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#choi san angst
roomsofangel · 3 days
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GROWING PAINS . . . # CHAPTER NINE !
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synopsis you hated christmas. simple. this year was no different, the only thing changing was the scenery when you decide to let your older brother, yunho convince you to visit your grandmother who neither of you had met but hoped it would do some good. everything was still the same — writer’s block, the winter loneliness, the way yunho won’t stop singing jingle bell rock, yeah, everything was the same. at least, until a certain blonde haired boy made it his mission to melt your iced heart.
warnings none really!
wc 1.3k
if you’d like to be added to the taglist please either send an ask in my inbox or leave a comment to be added to the taglist! reblogs and comments are also very appreciated! ^_^
this chapter is in san’s pov !
a/n i decided to update this today and give you all a double update for growing pains since i know it has been a good while:( let me know what you guys think :D
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san thought he knew a lot of things back when he was still a rosy cheeked kid with deeper dimples than he had now — when he still had a lot of hope in the world and nothing snuffed out his spark just yet.
and maybe now that he’s an adult with more emotional scars than before, he can say he never wants anyone to feel the way he did. not since that night, he refuses to let anyone feel as if he has given up on them. sometimes he wonders if thats who he is or the fact he just wished no one ever gave up on him.
this small town, oh the ache it carried when he decided to come back three years ago to care for his mother. it was best to not live these days in his own rues, he had to learn to accept the past and embrace the future, no matter how much it ached.
and for the most part, san was fully convinced he was healed from that chapter of his life — that he no longer needed medication to make him feel alright.
“and this is yeosang.”
ah, that made his world shatter. kang yeosang in the flesh.
his eyes couldn’t help but match the other’s when they narrowed, eyeing and taking in the sight of how he was sat before the sound of your voice came up again, “you can sit by me if you want to.”
and san felt his heart ache a little, well— does it count as an ache? he hasn’t felt anything in his chest like this before, unless it was to do with hurt and sorrow. san nods, “of course yn.” he smiled, and tried to ignore the feeling of a glare on him as he took a seat with you, your smile warming him up.
it seemed that time was going by achingly slow, but san was thankful for the three that were there. mingi seemed to be decent, he reminded him of wooyoung. he should text wooyoung later, he forgot to do so.
as the movie progressed, it was some romcom that san could recall watching with his sister years ago, he couldn’t remember the name but he could recall certain scenes as he tried to snack on the popcorn given and focus on the texture, the taste. he could feel your hand brush against his and he felt his face warm, why was he warm?
“personally, if she says i’m a bird i’m gonna be a bird.” mingi broke the silence with his hands raised up in defense, making yunho snort and san couldn’t help but laugh a little himself and nod along. “so are you?” he teased a little and mingi grinned
“i like this guy.” mingi motioned over to san who nodded his head in acknowledgment and returned the grin, yunho agreeing with a “right!”
but san didn’t miss one thing,
the one thing but san is he was too observant for his own good
so yeosang must have forgotten that san noticed everything, even the similar little scowl that he remembered all too well.
“no! like this!” mingi shoved yunho aside to get onto the snowy ground, laying on his back and spread out to begin making a snow angel, making yunho groan and find a new spot to make his own
san chuckled, turning his attention to you who quickly looked away and back at your brother, making his lips only curl up more. he was convinced his face would hurt later on. “are they always like this?” he asked, wondering out loud and asking you while you nod and laugh. “sadly.” you said in response, san chuckled
“thank you for inviting me, yn.” san whispered softly as his eyes glanced up at the night sky, the stars twinkling and he noticed the moon was full. god, it was beautiful. he always loved the moon, he loved the different meanings and the different phases. how can something so magnetic and beautiful also be so far?
his eyes glanced towards you, your rosy nose scrunching as you felt the snowflakes fall onto the bridge of your nose and melt on your skin, your focus more on the same moon he was admiring.
how can something so magnetic and beautiful feel so far?
san walked back to his home, holding his house keys while you followed behind, your little hums making him smile at the snowy ground that he tried to focus on, counting each little detail. “hey san,” your voice met his ears, and he hummed in response
“i’m glad you came tonight.” you said, the two of you reaching his doorstep and he thought this was comical in a way, maybe even endearing. you were walking him to his door this time, oh how the roles reversed but he didn’t mind. he’d do anything to spend just even another second with you.
san smiled, “me too.”
“i’ll.. see you around?” your voice got a bit higher towards the end, your feet backpedaling to walk away soon to get on your way back home but your gaze was still on him, cheeks and nose rosy. “you know where to find me.” he whispered, not letting his eyes leave you for one moment. no, he needed to every little detail of you tonight committed to memory.
you looked.. so beautiful, under the moonlight with the snowflakes in your hair. “goodnight, san.” you looked at him, and he nodded.
“goodnight, yn.”
you reminded san of the moon,
he just hoped he could be your sun.
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taglist (open) @myonlyloveseungmin @itsvxlentine @rockstarsanie @brown88 @barbielibra @vixensss @satsuri3su @yessa-vie @yoichiislovie
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hwaslayer · 3 months
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crimson (cs) | one shot.
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—summary: life has always revolved around the club, the money, the clients— that is, until a first-time experience changes everything for san, for you; causing lines to be blurred, boundaries that are crossed. he didn’t think he’d get wrapped around your finger, falling deep into your spell. after all, he did become your number one client.
—pairing: choi san x stripper!reader
—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, nightclub au | smut, angst
—word count: 21.8k
—content/warnings: cussing/mature language, heavy on the night club/strip club setting, lap dances, oc doesn’t remove her clothing by choice but is a little more hands on with her clients at the club, alcohol consumption/intoxication, san’s got some baggage with his ex, mentions of a toxic past relationship, mentions of severed relationships with loved ones, protected/unprotected sex, praising, making out, one shower together hehe, missionary, doggy style wooof, cowgirl, sprinkle of spit play, clit play, breast play, mentions of marking, ass slapping, mentions of men getting touchy at the club, fighting (some pushing and a few punches), arguments, flashback scenes, not all ateez members are present - only mingi, san, wooyoung, hongjoong and jongho
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—on rotation: agora hills - doja cat | anywhere - 112 | all night long - thuy & lil kev | IT’s you - wooyoung, san & yeosang
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He became your number one client. 
Quick.
You remember the first time he stepped into the club with his friends, eyes roaming the floor until they landed on yours. You hadn’t expected the group to walk in when they did— the club being pretty dead lately, with the usual, familiar men walking in to let off some steam, to get their fix. You could tell it was the first time they’d ever walked into a strip club with the way they paused near the entrance, not really knowing where to go or how to get settled from there. One of his friends took the lead and walked towards the main stage, his hesitancy obvious with how stiff and awkward he was as he sat on one of the velvet chairs closest to the stage. You hadn’t really paid much mind to them at first, especially him. You had been busy on the other end of the stage, but his eyes had been glued on you the entire time.
That solely piqued your interest. 
He sunk into the chair comfortably, manspreading as his hands rested on his legs. He stared at you with his cat-like eyes, almost pleading for you to come closer and entertain him while his friends were busy tossing bills at your coworker on the right side of the stage. 
He didn’t budge.
You strutted over, initially planning to tease him a bit; play around, work with his ways to give him something to remember. Little did you know that taking the first leap, giving him that attention, was going to change everything between you and this stranger.
Everything.
▹ FLASHBACK
You step in front of the pole, sliding down until you get to a crouch– making sure your legs are spread enough for him to see the itty bitty fabric from your bodysuit barely covering your parts. You can see him subtly bite onto his bottom lip as he leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. You get a little closer, getting onto your knees to crawl towards him; ass posted up in the air while you keep your eyes glued onto him. You’re close enough to the point where he can slip a few dollars into the v-neck of your bodysuit.
And he does, adorning that pretty smirk of his; pearly whites peeking through those pink, plump lips.
“Atta boy!” You hear one of his friends yell. “San’s finally enjoying himself!”
“Dude’s got heart eyes. Look at him. Mesmerized as shit.” Another of his friends laughs before continuing to shower the right side of the stage with bills.
San was his name.
San.
“Gorgeous.” You hear him mutter as you continue to work the stage, eyes glued onto him with every move— every twirl, every dip, every roll, you make. His eyes are taking note of every detail, every tattoo that lines your arm, down to your hip and thigh. Because he wants to study you, all of you.
“It’s his birthday, give him something special!” You glide down the pole before stepping off the stage to greet the men sitting around. It was a normal routine for you, a way to initiate flirty conversations and take men back to a VIP booth for lap dances— lap dances that could easily earn you rent in one night. 
A few of your regulars are sitting around, waiting for some kind of touch, attention. Which, you easily give through running your hand down their chests, whispering sweet nothings as they tuck a few more dollars under your bodysuit. 
Throughout all of this, San is still focused on you.
So, you make your way back to him; his friends are still loudly proclaiming he’s the birthday boy that needs a little gift tonight. And lucky for him, you’re feeling rather generous— especially with the way San buckles around you, pleading, begging, for more of your attention since he walked through the door.
“Is it really your birthday?” You crouch in front of him, hands traveling up his thighs while you lick your lips and bite onto your bottom lip.
“Yeah, it is.” He swallows the lump in his throat when your hands brush against his belt.
“Please give him a private dance.” The same friend from earlier says. He has short black hair with a mole underneath his eye, black button-up exposing his honey skin underneath. He slips you a few hundred bills, a smirk plastered on his face when you meet his gaze. You gladly take the money and stuff it into your bodysuit, grabbing San’s hand as you lead him to the VIP area.
“You didn’t have to.”
“You come to a strip club on your birthday and try to deny a lap dance? That your friend paid for? Odd.” You tease as you push him against another velvet couch. The VIP booths are off to the side of the club, with red mood lights and cringy, dark red velvet curtains draping the front to provide privacy. The booths are small, intimate; just enough space for you to work the pole and be all up on San.
“I mean, I just—” He chokes on his words as he plops onto the couch. “You’re a busy woman, it seems.”
“I am.” You straddle his lap. “But, I can make time for birthday boys, too.”
“That’s nice to know.” His eyes carefully watch your every move. Your hands travel down his neck, down to his tie— tugging on it as you start to bodyroll against the music, against him, making sure San feels you. “Fuck.” He mutters under his breath. You watch as he reaches, but prevents himself from touching your thighs; afraid he’d be crossing a line even though, technically speaking, those lines have been blurred since he walked into the club.
“It’s okay, San.” You reassure him with a whisper, lips almost grazing his ear. His eyes meet yours just as you pull back and bounce on him a bit, hands caressing up and down his chest. You continue to work him slowly, taking your sweet time to make San feel appreciated, to make San feel like he’s had the best birthday in years.
“You know my name?” He says, hands comfortably coming up your body, giving your breasts a squeeze. His hand runs up your neck, to your jaw— gently forcing you to keep eye contact with him as you continue to dance on him. He’s entranced by you that he doesn’t really know what else to say, or how to react. But god, do you feel amazing on him. That body, too?
Heavenly.
“Your friends have been yelling it all night.” You stand and straddle him in the opposite direction, legs wrapped around his torso as you lean forward and bounce on his dick a little more. San can’t help but run his hands down your ass, giving it a good squeeze before you come back up and pry yourself off of him to head to the pole in front of him.
“Fair enough. What’s your name then, beautiful?” You look at him, ignoring the question at first. But, San feels a little different than your usual customers, feels a bit more personal even though you don’t know anything about him nor does he know anything about you. It’s the way that he looks at you, focused on your face, your every move. It’s the way that it’s a room full of dancers and he’s stuck on you. Most men are in the club to fill a void; seeking for quick satisfaction, something that’ll eventually blow over until the next visit. But, it’s nothing more than that. You are nothing more than a dancer, nothing more than a face on stage— someone who collects their bills and runs.
But to San, you feel different.
Before you look into him too deeply, you quickly snap out of it and begin to twirl around the pole, doing your usual pole routine when you’re in the VIP booth. You fall into a split, hand coming down from the pole, down to your body.
San follows.
“My name?” You repeat, and San nods.
“Is that not a normal question here?”
“No one ever gives out their real names here.” You chuckle.
“Then, what’s your stage name?” Time passes when you’re dancing. Usually, you give them 30 mins tops, 45 mins if they keep sending big bills your way. But, you never try to spend more than that with the same person. Not in this community. With the hundreds San’s friend handed you, you would’ve stopped at 15 minutes if this were anyone else.
You’re closing in 20– probably will be 30 when you blink— but you don’t really wanna stop giving San this attention. He’s attractive, fitting his button-up and slacks in all the right places. He has black short hair, a few strands draping over his forehead, a pretty Rolex sitting on his wrist. You think he could handle you if you gave him the chance, and the thought is enough to make your brain short-circuit.
“Crimson.” He smirks, running his finger across his bottom lip while he continues to watch you bounce your ass on the stage. He thinks you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on— the bodysuit doing your body wonders as it makes his mind wander to the unknown.
To what you would look like naked, to have you underneath him, to have you calling his name.
He’s been glued to you from the start and he’s not sure what kind of spell you have him under, but he wants more.
“Crimson.” He repeats, the stage name dripping off his tongue like water. “Are you here every night?”
“Maybe, maybe not.” You twirl with a smirk on your face.
“Come on, don’t do that.” He leans back, head resting against the couch as his hands rest on his thighs.
“Why would it matter?”
“I wouldn’t wanna come back if you weren’t here.” You giggle, stepping away from the pole and slotting yourself back in between his legs at a crouch.
“There’s plenty of other amazing dancers, you know? I don’t make the club.”
“You’re right, you don’t. But, it’s not them I’m asking about.” Your hands travel back up his legs, your face inches away from his dick. You swear you hear him hiss a bit the minute your face glides over, planting small, chaste kisses against his clothed stomach right above the belt. 
“I’m here 4 days a week.”
“What days?” You stand, bending to whisper in his ear. His hand comes up to graze your thigh and hip, shivers shooting down his spine when you respond with:
“I guess you’ll have to find out.” Because now, San takes it as a challenge and he’s determined to figure out which nights you’re here. Initially, he agreed to this whole thing thinking it’d be a one-and-done— a birthday done differently after all these past years only to become an after-thought as time goes on. But now, he wants more of you, all of you; wants to keep seeing you, feeling you, touching you, seeing you dance for him and him only.
He’s not sure what kind of spell you have him under, but he wants more.
You look at him once more, tipping his chin with your finger before dipping forward. You only give him enough so that the tips of your noses brush against each other, enough to tease but not please the birthday boy on his special night. 
“See you soon, Sannie. Happy birthday.” You whisper before turning on your heels and leaving him in the VIP booth to return to the stage. San has to gather himself for a minute, loosening the buttons on his shirt and his tie and adjusting his pants before heading back out to his friends.
“So?! How was it?” Wooyoung leans over on the chair right after he greets another dancer making her rounds across the floor.
“Good.” 
“He’s red in the face.” Mingi laughs. “It was more than good.”
“Say thank you for the best birthday ever, Wooyoung.” Wooyoung teases and San can’t help but shake his head. He’s still lost in thought, eyes subtly scanning the room to find you but you are busy taking new customers into the VIP booth. The room feels hot, and he wishes he could be in the VIP booth with you, alone. He truly wished it never ended. “Let’s head to the bar and get more drinks.” San shrugs and follows along, the 4 of them heading into the bar where the music is louder, and other dancers are flooding the area.
As the night goes on, you’ve finished tending to your regulars— already knowing what they want, what they need, but making your boundaries clear every time they try to step over the line and take advantage of your generosity tonight. By the end of your shift, it’s 3am and you’re exhausted. Your feet are hurting from the platform heels you’re sporting. It’s crazy how after all this time as a dancer, you still aren’t used to the heels you have to throw on, excited to dip your feet in a hot, lavender foot bath when you get home. You change back into your casual sweats and matching hoodie, throwing the hood over your head as you bid farewell to your coworkers and step out the back door into the cold, crisp night. When you cross the alley to get onto the main road, there are a few gentlemen standing around, some smoking their cigarettes while chatting with their friends.
Usually, no one causes you trouble. From time to time, your usuals are drunk and babbling nonsense about how they wish they could take you home, show you ‘a new world.’ But, no one ever gets handsy, no one ever forces themselves on you. For the most part, they know what this is, they know at the end of the night this is nothing but a temporary fantasy— one you fulfill for a specific time frame before the new day dawns and things go back to normal, to routine.
Tonight, it’s a bit different.
“Yo, isn’t that the dancer?” You hear a familiar voice as you cross through the alley, passing by a big group on your way. They seem to be tending to a friend who has gotten sloppily drunk, yacking their brains out off to the side of the club. 
“Aye cutie, going home already? Wanna give the birthday boy more love?” Another friend questions after he pulls the cigarette from in between his lips and exhales. “Bro, Mingi. Hurry up and get your sloppy ass together. It’s fucking cold.” He scolds their incredibly drunk friend afterwards.
“Hongjoong.” You hear San call for his friend. You do nothing but give them a simple look as you continue to walk on, trying not to feed them any attention. As attractive as San is, you are too tired to deal with this right now. After all, you are just a dancer. What more could you be to him? You temporarily feed into their fantasies, nothing more, nothing less.
“What, it’s a simple question. You never know, she might be down.” 
“Sorry.” San apologizes on his behalf, his eyes red and glazed from the alcohol.
“Not down?” Hongjoong asks again, his eyes now glued onto you.
“No, I’m not.” You respond, walking backwards to maintain eye contact. 
“Aw, why not?” Honey-skin with the black-button up chimes in. “He’s single. He could use it.”
“The fuck? Not helping.” San looks at his friend and taps him on the chest, making him bust out into a loud laugh.
“I don’t do that. Nothing beyond the club. Sorry to disappoint.” You smile at them before walking off onto the main street.
“Can he at least escort you home?!” They call out as you cross the street, making you roll your eyes as you continue the journey home all by yourself.
▹ END
Since then, there’s been a new addition to your regulars. One particularly more intriguing than the rest. You didn’t really believe Mia when she told you the familiar face came on your days off, asking the bartender if you were dancing tonight. He came, and he came, until he figured out the exact 4 days you worked. To say you were surprised would be an understatement because why on earth was San actually looking for you?
Why was he actually trying to figure out your schedule?
Did he really want to see you, or were you just his favorite dancer? Was he too shy to get close to the other dancers [at a strip club]?
It’s been a couple of weeks and San still comes. But, you’ve pushed the questions to the back of your mind; taking his visits with a grain of salt. You weren’t sure you’d pry anyway, afraid you’d be reading into this too much. After all, you are just a dancer.
What more could you be to him? You temporarily feed into their fantasies, nothing more, nothing less.
“Babe, your man is here.” Mia peeks into the dressing room, her head popping in from the doorway.
“He is not my man.” You give her a look, but she giggles and smirks before turning.
“Hurry that ass up, he seems anxious.” She calls out just before she heads back out to the main floor. You roll your eyes, dabbing more lip gloss on your lips before heading back out onto the floor. As promised, San sits in that same chair you met him during his first night at the club while Wooyoung [you’ve come to learn] lingers near the stage. Wooyoung is already entertaining another dancer, taking every opportunity to slip a few bills underneath her bikini top. 
To tease San a bit, you come up from behind up, trailing your hands down his chest while your lips ghost his ear. He turns slightly just for some sort of confirmation, though he’s already studied your body— down to the way you move, the way you tease.
“San.” You call his name. “Should I still be surprised that you’re here again?”
“You tell me.” He smirks, that pretty smile of his slowly becoming a weakness for you. “I’m just here to get my fix.” He winks, even though he really just wants to see you and be alone with you again.
“Get in line.” You tease. San immediately holds up a few bills, eyes darting from yours to your cleavage in that incredibly tiny silver bikini top you have on.
“Should I?” He subtly bites onto his bottom lip as he slips the money right into your top. You playfully roll your eyes and lead the way to a VIP booth, San undoing his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves just about halfway up his forearm. Truthfully, yes, it’s been a long day [week, even] and he’s needing a release; wanting to let out some steam. But, he’s also excited he could do that with you and only you. He watches your hips sway as you walk and wait for him to enter the booth, shutting the curtain close so that it’s just you and him underneath the red mood lighting. 
You step onto the stage; twirling around the pole before you bounce your ass on the stage. San watches intently, eyes glued to your bottom half when you spread your legs and show him how much those bottoms aren’t doing shit for you.
He is so, so curious. 
He takes note of every detail of your body, studying it over and over again like a book. And god, he wants to do everything and nothing all at once— stuck between wanting to get his hands all over you and doing nothing just to admire your pretty face, your figure. San felt like maybe this was just a phase, a new, exciting experience in his life that’ll soon fizzle out.
But when San looks at you, he can’t agree. He’s not sure what kind of spell you have him under, but he wants more.
He leans back onto the couch, his head resting against the edge as he manspreads. He licks his lips while watching your hands travel down your chest, your stomach. 
“Why are you so far?” He questions, motioning for you to come closer. Your bikini top and bottom are still driving him crazy, and he’s certain he’ll lose his shit once you sit on his lap.
“So eager tonight?”
“Just been a rough week.”
“I’m sure, as with everyone else here.”
“Am I just everyone else?” You let out a small chuckle, straddling his lap. His hands immediately come up to cup your ass, giving it a good squeeze before you start to work your hips on him. He’s gotten pretty comfortable by now, though San still shoots you a look as if it’s his way of asking for permission first. You appreciate the little things, and San most definitely isn’t just like everyone else. But, as with any defense mechanism, you resort to a guarded response:
“I mean, you’re here at ungodly hours tipping girls for a dance.” He lets out a small laugh, strong hands now at your hips. 
“Mm, I really only come for my favorite though. You might know her?” He jokes, his face only inches away from yours. 
“Do I?” You follow along with his teasing. The strap to your bikini top falls off your shoulder and San’s eyes follow; the small room feeling 10 degrees hotter, pants a little tighter. 
“Mhm.” He hums, his finger tracing a line up your leg. “She has tattoos just like this lining her thigh—“ He moves it up to your hip. “Up her hip.” His thumb comes up to your lip. “Pretty lips just like that. Long lashes. Prettiest smile I’ve seen.” His face moves towards your neck, lips grazing the surface below your ear. “Mole on the neck.” You subtly bite onto your bottom lip. San’s hand brushes up against your breast before he touches the small mole on your neck.
“Sounds like a lot of the girls around here.”
“Mm, but the one I’m thinking of goes by the stage name Crimson.” You continue to tease, bounce on him a little more, shake ass a little more. Your eyes linger on him a bit longer than you’d like, and you find yourself retracting. To him, the room is probably degrees hotter— for you, it’s starting to feel suffocating.
“She’s nothing but a ‘lil dancer, San.” You whisper in his ear, lips brushing against the surface before you hop off his lap. San is a little confused at the sudden change, but you feel like you’re reading too much into this, too much into San.
This isn’t supposed to be anything but business.
Why would San ever want you in that way? Most of this is to fulfill a want, a need, a fantasy. San is most likely saying this to get what he wants, to take charge and lead you on.
Though, at the end of the night, you are nothing but a face, a dancer. He wouldn’t think about you past the club. That is where this ends, regardless. 
You give San one last look before you brush past the curtain, returning to the stage closest to the bar. Wooyoung is getting dragged to a VIP booth, his other friends now standing and gathering around the stage to get up close and personal to the girls currently on there. You make a beeline to the stage near the bar, the area being a little more dead than the main stage room.
Right before you hop on stage, Mia is delivering drinks to a few men off to the side of the room. She shoots you a look, following after handing over the drinks.
“Why are you rushing? Did something happen?” You wait for the bartender to hand you some water.
“Nothing happened.” You sip a bit to shake off your thoughts, your feelings.
“You sure? I’ll beat someone’s ass if you need me to and call security to toss them out.”
“I promise.” You look at her and squeeze her arm. “I’m just gonna stick here for the rest of the night, though. Need a change of pace.” She nods.
“Alright, if you say so. I’m still onto you.” She says, leaving you to help the bartender with delivering the drinks.
For the rest of the night, you continue to dodge San and his friends until the end of your shift. You don’t usually leave through the front doors of the club, but tonight, you sneak out and rush across the street with your hood up. You can hear San and his friends as they leave, causing you to pick up the pace of your steps— hoping you’ll avoid being caught.
But, San sees you, anyway. His eyes can’t help but watch for a few seconds more before he’s returning his attention back to the boys. He felt the shift earlier, and he picked up on the way you continued to hop from stage to stage— seemingly avoiding their group. He’s not sure what happened, or why he feels like you’ve suddenly got your guard back up around him. It’s something about you, and San knows it shouldn’t be that serious. This became a fun little past-time for him and his boys. But every time he’s left the club recently, he leaves a little bit more attached to you.
Because yes, you know how to work your magic in there. It’s no fucking joke. He gets a taste of you on stage, in the booth, and it blows his mind. But other than that, it’s the way you return the same look, the same touch. There’s something else, more to you than the surface, and he’s curious to find out.
It shouldn’t be that serious, but for San, it is.
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“What’s wrong?” Jongho pushes a small coffee your way, cocking a brow when he sees how checked out you seem today.
“W-what?” You look at him, finally pulled out of your daze. “Oh, nothing.” You grab the cup and take a sip, giving him a tiny toothless smile of appreciation. “Thank you.”
“Sure.” He sets his coffee onto the side of the cart, helping you unbox a few albums that arrived today and needed to be restocked on the shelves. “So, really. What is it?” He asks, eyes still focused on restocking. Jongho has been one of your closest friends— probably the only closest, genuine friend that stuck by your side since you were younger. He still keeps in touch with the group you grew up with since middle school, but lots of those relationships have been severed after you started dancing at the club. Jongho was the only one who didn’t see you any differently, nor did he take the job as anything bad. He always knew you were passionate about dance and he understood you when times got tough; strapped on cash and needing a quick fix that would help you get by. It was a bit of a risky, somewhat dangerous step, but who was Jongho to control your life? You already didn’t have a great relationship with your parents, so the least Jongho can do is support you and be your pillar if no one else would be. He knew you could make your own decisions, and only you knew yourself best. He knew you’d take care of yourself, whatever that looked like.
Jongho was the manager at this small, quaint music shop in the city. Though, the city you lived in wasn’t entirely huge compared to others. It still had its old-school touch of wooden, soft decor with a rage of vintage to mainstream albums and art throughout the shop. The owner was a middle-aged man who used to play in a band back in the days, now retired and trying to stay in touch with his roots through the shop. Jongho had worked here for years before stepping into the full-time manager position and helped bring you on, especially during the time you needed it the most.
You really appreciate Jongho, and you’re glad you at least have him.
“Sometimes, I feel like I should’ve just finished school.”
“You did. High school?”
“College.” Jongho shrugs when you respond and give him a look.
“If it wasn’t what you wanted to do at the time, then why force yourself? Besides, it’s never too late. You can always go back to school.” He turns to you and places a hand on his hip. “Why are you thinking about this all of a sudden?”
“I don’t really know. What if they were right? What if I’m not good for anything besides being a stripper? What if I’m just that?”
“You and I both know that’s not true.” Jongho tosses the empty box aside, triggering you to get it together and start doing your job. “You’re smart, talented, and passionate about a lot of things. Especially dance. Just because you work at a club doesn’t make you less of a person, Y/N.” He says in that usual serious tone of his.
“Thanks.” You poke your bottom lip out as you arrange the albums and start tagging the price stickers onto them.
“Who is it?” You sigh, already knowing Jongho won’t leave it alone until you finally tell him the truth about why you’re suddenly questioning your life.
“It’s the same guy I told you about. The birthday boy.” Jongho does a tiny nod of acknowledgement.
“He’s still showing up with his friends?”
“Yeah, surprisingly. And he always looks for me. Asks for me. Doesn’t pay attention to any other dancer there.”
“Maybe he has a crush on you.”
“We know nothing about each other. He knows my stage name, he knows my club persona.” You sigh. “That’s why it made me question life. It’s dumb, I know.” You purse your lips together as you shove the albums into the shelf and move onto the next task.
“Well, there has to be a reason why he keeps coming back for you and only you. Maybe he wants to know you, outside of the club and that whole persona thing.” Jongho shrugs. “Never say never.”
“He’s a businessman of some sort. Suited up all the time. He must work for a really good company. Probably has a family that is well off.” You shake your head and make your way back to the front. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“I wouldn’t say that. Why don’t you ask—“ At this point, just as you settle at the register with Jongho, a few people enter the shop. You whip your head towards the entrance when you hear some laughter, only for your eyes to widen.
“Oh, shit. Jongho!” You whisper harshly. “What the hell is he doing here?!” He looks over your shoulder as San and Wooyoung walk in, Wooyoung instantly making a turn to head to the vinyl collection.
“Is that birthday boy?” You nod with a worried expression on your face. San is about to walk past the register when he furrows his brows at the small commotion happening behind the counter, turning his attention towards you and Jongho.
“Too late dude, he’s right there.” Jongho blocks you from leaving. “It’d be too obvious now, just take it like a fucking champ and say hi.” He says through gritted teeth. “I gotta walk around anyways.” He turns to San enthusiastically. “Hey, welcome in.”
“Hey.” San looks at the both of you, his brows still furrowed when his eyes land on your face.
“Hi. Let me know if you need help.” You try to scurry off, but San stops you.
“Woah, wait. You’re—“
“Don’t say it outloud here.” San’s lips form into the shape of an ‘o’ before nodding. He can’t help but glaze over your features and how naturally beautiful you are– the sun hitting your skin perfectly. You never packed on the makeup heavily on stage, but you did still have a face on every time you worked at the club. He subtly nibbles onto his bottom lip, hands dug deep into his jacket pockets.
“You work here, too?”
“Makes up for the days I’m not there.” He nods.
“Well, hi.” He gives you a small smile.
“Hi.” You tilt your head. “I’ve never seen you around this part of the city. Ever.” He snorts a bit.
“We’re never usually on the outskirts, but Wooyoung was adamant about getting vinyls for his new record player. You guys are the only shop that has a good collection.” You nod, San stepping aside when a customer unloads their basket onto the counter. He lingers around, watching how delicate you are handling the merchandise and how big your smile is when helping the customer. As expected, you’re very different from the club— you seem more relaxed, laid back. Sweet. Happy.
“So, are you just gonna stand there and wait for Wooyoung?” You chuckle after wrapping up the transaction and handing the customer their bag, bidding farewell as they head out of the store.
“I don’t really need anything so, yeah. I guess so. I’d rather talk to you, anyway.” You give him a look and take the sticker gun in your hand, walking away from the counter when a coworker comes back from break to relieve you.
“I’m working.” You head back to the floor, San following behind.
“I know.” He watches as you begin to sort through another shipment. “Are you gonna tell me your name now that we’re outside of the club?”
“Why do you wanna learn my name so badly? And why are you always at the club? Don’t you have like.. other things to do? A girlfriend or someone to entertain?” You shiver at the thought. God, you hope not. Especially with how he’s been lately. But, men are trash and you wouldn’t expect any less.
“Because I do? You’re not just someone from the club.” You look at him briefly before looking back down at the stack of albums. “And no, I don’t have someone to entertain. I wouldn’t be there often if I did.” Touché. “We just had fun on my birthday. It’s a good way to let out some steam after busy days.”
“Hm.” You hum.
“I like seeing you there.” He casually says, making you pause in your actions before continuing. 
“I don’t make the club, San.”
“You make it for me. Or else I wouldn’t be going.” You look at him again with a hand on your hip. He has a small smirk plastered on his face and you can’t help but notice how attractive he looks under the daylight— smooth honey skin, hoodie over his head, soft black hair teasing his forehead. Your eyes linger on him for a lot longer than you’d like, having to force yourself to snap out of it when you realize [again] that San wouldn’t want you in that way.
“What are you trying to do here?” You cock a brow up just before you start working on the CDs in front of you, marking them down and adding new price tags to the back.
“Get to know you.”
“Why me?”
“Why not you?” San continues to smirk, leaning against the shelves. 
“Y/N, take your break in a few minutes.” Jongho says coming down the aisle before giving San a small, pursed smile.
“Yeah, Y/N.” San chimes in and teases. “Pretty name for a pretty girl.”
“You ready? I found what I needed—“ Wooyoung comes from around the corner, pausing mid-sentence when he realizes San isn’t alone. “Oh, hey! I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Your eyes dart to Wooyoung and he smiles. “Wow, you’re really pretty in the daylight—“ San taps him on the chest. “What, I’m just saying! It’s hard to really see faces in the club lighting. Besides, I don’t get the privilege of having private—“
“Okay, that’s—yeah.” San cuts him off and scratches at his head. “Really sorry.”
“You ready?” You let out a sigh before asking Wooyoung. “I can ring you up at the other register before I head to break.”
“Yeah.” You lead them to the smaller checkout stand at the end of the aisle, scanning Wooyoung’s items and bagging up his things as he pays. Throughout the entire time, San is still watching you; subtly biting onto his bottom lip when he can’t help but think of the nights at the club, being intimately close with you— seeing you in a different light than this.
Which, he’s trying not to. He just can’t help it. You are beauty in its purest form, and he wishes he could know more about you.
And you don’t fail to notice. 
The look San has in his eyes is different from what you’re used to seeing at nighttime. It makes you nervous from the butterflies you feel, the curiosity running through your veins— even if the other thoughts in your mind say otherwise.
“Guess we’ll see you around?” Wooyoung smirks before walking out of the shop first.
“See you soon, Y/N.” Just before San walks out, you shut off the part of your brain that keeps spewing negativity and all these other ‘what if’s.’
“W-wait.” 
“Hm?” He hums, his hands in his pocket as he cocks a brow up. You begin to scribble your number down on a random receipt that was left behind, pushing it over to San shortly afterwards.
“Don’t ask for free dances or anything though, I’ll block you.” San chuckles before grabbing the receipt and tucking it into his pocket.
“Don’t want that, now do we?” He winks before stepping out of the shop.
“Cute.” You glare at Jongho and hit him on the arm. “Ouch, what!”
“Why would you say my name around him!”
“You act like he wasn’t gonna find out one way or another, the dude definitely has googly eyes over you.” He crosses his arms and smirks. “Besides, you slipped him your number.”
“Ugh.” You continue to glare at him. “I’m going on my break.”
“So you can text San, hm?” You mouth out a quick ‘fuck off’ before turning on your heel and heading to the break room. The entire scenario hadn't been processed in your mind until now, unsure if giving your number to San was a good idea or not.
You didn’t wanna get attached to him. Not him, of all people. Though, you know you will, and that’s why it feels like a bad decision.
A decision you think you might regret.
The thought blows over when you get home that night, exhausted from your work day and the commute. You hop in the shower and whip up a teriyaki chicken rice bowl with some veggies. You plop onto your couch and turn on the TV, picking up on where you left off on the last episode of the series you were watching. Barely 7 minutes in, a call comes through on your phone, your eyes widening at the name flashing across the screen. Just as you briefly debate on answering the call, your hands are already moving towards the phone; swiping right to pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Hey.” San says on the other line so nonchalantly, as if you two had been talking for years.
“Hi?” You let out a small, nervous chuckle. “What made you call?”
“I just wanted to talk to you and ask how the rest of your day at work went.”
“Oh.” You shrug as if he can see you. “It was alright. Nothing too bad.”
“Yeah? Nobody get on your nerve throughout the day?”
“I also work at a strip club. I think the music shop is very mild when it comes to that.” You joke, making San laugh a bit on the other line. “How was the rest of yours?”
“Good. Wooyoung and I just grabbed something to eat before he brought me home.”
“Where’s home for you?”
“Probably 20 minutes away from the city.” He responds just as you hear dishes clinking in the background. “Did you eat already?”
“I am right now.”
“Oh shit, sorry. Do you want me to call you later? Or, I guess, I can just text you?”
“It’s okay, San. I don’t mind.”
“Mmkay. Just checking.”
“I know you just saw Wooyoung, but you guys aren’t hanging out with the rest of your friends tonight?”
“Believe it or not, we like taking breaks from each other.” He laughs a bit. “No but, Mingi, the really tall one, has a date or whatever tonight.”
“Or whatever?” You laugh.
“He’s weird about these things. Says it’s a date when we all know he’s not really ready to date seriously.”
“Mm, one of those guys. You like that, too?”
“Definitely not. If I really like someone and we hit it off, I’ll pursue them to no end.”
“Mhm.” You find yourself teasing him more. “Cute. Have you guys known each other for long?”
“Me and Wooyoung grew up together. Our parents are close, too. We met Hongjoong and Mingi in college.”
“That’s sweet.”
“What about you, Y/N? What about your friends? Tell me more about yourself. I meant it when I said I wanna get to know you.” You feel the heat rise to your cheeks, even though every bone in your body is telling you to continue keeping your guard up.
“Ah, did you? Cause it definitely sounded like a line.” You snort.
“It’s not just a line. Seriously.”
“I honestly don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have an interesting story.” You poke at your food before taking a small bite.
“Don’t say that. I find you interesting no matter what.”
“You say that now.”
“I’ll say it later, too.” He reassures you.
“I– I don’t know. I’m not close to my family after the decisions I’ve made, and friends left my side especially after I started working at the club more. Jongho is really the only person who has stayed by my side since we were younger.”
“I’m sorry. Why aren’t they your friends anymore?”
“I guess they just think I’m dumb for not going to school and for settling at the club.”
“I mean, that’s not really fair? It’s not dumb if it wasn’t what you wanted.”
“Yeah, well. They didn’t think I’d take dance that seriously.”
“You’re really good at it.” You chuckle hearing his response. “Why wouldn’t you?”
“Wish I could tell you. My family is in the same boat. My older sister graduated from college and started her own lab after finishing her postdoctoral appointment. Imagine how much my family looks down on me. I struggled for awhile and Jongho helped me out a lot.”
“I’m glad you at least have him.”
“I am too.”
“What else do you like to do?”
“San, are you sure you don’t have anything else to do tonight?” He laughs. “What about your family?”
“Swear. My family is fine, they’re doing their own thing.”
“Do they live around here too?”
“Nope, maybe an hour or so away? I have an older sister too, but she’s overseas right now. She’s in the fashion industry.” He lets out a small sigh. “I genuinely wanted to call you and talk to you after seeing you today.”
“You’re such a mystery.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t know. You just are. I see you at the club a couple of times, then I see you at the shop. Now we’re on the phone. It’s just funny how things play out.”
“Nothing mysterious about it. Maybe it’s just meant to play out that way.”
“What’s meant to play out that way?”
“Us.” You pause. Mainly because you couldn’t believe this is how things were meant to play out with San. Why was he everywhere and nowhere at the same time? Why was he calling you and trying to get to know you? And what if it was meant to play out this way? It could either mean two things— one, San was meant to play some sort of good in your life.
Or two, San was meant to break your heart and teach you yet another lesson in this crazy universe.
You weren’t sure what to think of it all, if you were even ready to figure out what all of this meant.
But, at this moment in time, all the regrets and thoughts continue to brush over your head because you like hearing San’s voice and you like talking to him outside of the club. You are intrigued, and you can’t say you aren’t keen on finding out what this is.
So, you continue to talk to San. 30 minutes turns into an hour; slipping into bed with San still on the other line. It’s easy to talk to him and you like that he initiates most of the conversation. He doesn’t judge you and he doesn’t pressure you into talking about things you don’t feel comfortable diving into right now. He doesn’t put the focus on himself much and he listens. You find yourself giggling, tossing and turning under the sheets— thoughts exploring uncharted territories.
San almost feels like a bad decision; a decision you think you might regret.
For tonight, you’ll take it. You’ll take this for what it is, and you’ll take San for who he is. You’ll find out what his role is in your life and why this is playing out the way it is for the both of you.
Maybe he is good.
Maybe he is a heartbreaker.
Or maybe San is meant to be San, a passing moment in your life that eventually just ends.
Whatever it is, you’ll figure it out. Even if it's something you might regret later on.
“Can I tell you something Y/N?” He asks just as you feel the exhaustion hitting your body.
“Mhm?”
“You’re really beautiful. I like seeing you, especially on stage. You know how to drive people crazy.”
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San continues to text and call you, just to ask if you’re doing okay— to let you know he always looks forward to seeing you. Small smiley faces, goodmorning’s and goodnight’s, dropping by with food or just to say hi at the music shop; you can’t help but feel the butterflies in your tummy grow when it comes to San. 
You’re not sure if you despise it or not.
Jongho says you should just see where it goes and tries to reassure you by telling you what’s meant to be, will be, and that you shouldn’t read too much into things right now. 
Keep doing you as you have, and continue to move forward.
But, it’s a lot easier said than done. Especially when you don’t understand what San wants out of you. He’s respected your boundaries through text, not asking for free dances or nudes, only keeping it brief to check in on you sometimes. Yet, at the club, he’s handsy. He’s vocalized how much he wants you and how much he wishes he could know more about you outside of the club.
San is an enigma.
You count in your head as you slowly take steps forward on stage, trying your hardest not to get distracted.
One, two.
Twirl around the pole.
Three, four.
Fall into the splits.
Five, six.
Bounce.
You get back onto your fours, shaking ass for the men lined up near the stage constantly tossing bills your way and shoving it under the ties of your bikini bottoms. It isn’t long before the main stage is where the most activity is happening— the club incredibly busy tonight with tons of celebrations. You’ve just stepped out of a VIP booth, your client paying you more than you could ask for by simply requesting if you could just work the pole for him. You gladly oblige, making it one less man to give a lap dance to before your shift is over. 
Besides, you can’t help but think of San.
And the moment you start to think about him, is the exact moment you find him lingering in the club with his boys— eyes scanning the stage and room before they finally find you near the VIP booths. It’s been a minute since they’ve stopped by. San has mentioned that he and his friends have just been swamped at work and that he can’t wait to let some steam out soon. He’s in all black tonight; black fitted slacks, boots, a black-button up with his chest partially exposed. He’s got a silver chain around his neck, and god, does the sight immediately do things to you.
They order a round of drinks before San finds himself at one of the seats next to the stage. He’s entertaining the crowd a bit, joining in when your coworker steals the stage and grabs the attention from the men around you. You don’t mind because it gives you the opportunity to slip away and take a breather, maybe run for a quick water break before you sway your hips in San’s direction. 
And sure enough, he’s been waiting. Like he always is.
Just as you sweet talk your way through the crowd and grab a few extra tips for it, San gently wraps his hand around your wrist and pulls you onto his lap. He smirks at you, eyes glazed over from all the alcohol he’s already downed.
“Mm, I’ve been waiting.” He says. “Can I have you?” The question sends shivers down your spine, his touch against your hip electrifying. 
“Depends.” You tease as he slips a few bills into your bra. “Can you handle it tonight? You’re pretty drunk.”
“Can always handle you, babygirl.” He says in your ear. You instantly stand to your feet and grab his hand, leading him to one of the free VIP booths. As soon as you pull the curtains close and try to work your way over to the pole, San pulls you back onto his lap— hands caressing your sides as you fix your position and properly straddle him. “Need you here, not there.”
“Thought you liked watching me work the pole.”
“I do, but not as much as I like watching you on me.”
“You’re incredibly suave tonight, what’s gotten into you?” You giggle, feeling San’s hands grope your ass.
“Just missed you.”
“We’ve been talking quite a bit.”
“I know, but it’s not the same as seeing you.” 
“You just missed the club.”
“Nah. You.” He corrects you. Something about San is different tonight, but you can’t say you dislike it. He’s a little more straightforward, a little more bolder, a little more open about his want— his need— for you. Especially when he caresses your tits; palm gently gliding over before giving your nipples a good pinch. Especially when his lips ghost over your neck, jaw, finally finding its way to your ear. Especially when he whispers about how pretty you look and how he wishes he could kiss you.
“Who said you couldn’t?” He pauses for a moment to look at you, really look at you, before taking his hand to your cheek and bringing you down to his lips. The way your lips crash is intense, full of lust.
Want.
Need.
A craving to be fulfilled.
The kiss easily turns wet, sloppy; San’s hands digging half crescents into your hips as he guides you to work your hips against him. He lets out a shaky breath in between, lips now traveling down to your jaw, neck.
“Fuck.” You hear him groan against your skin, right before his tongue glides against the surface; nibbling and sucking gently to soothe the mark.
“San.” You call his name as he continues down to the base of your neck, collarbone— lips now pressed against your inner breast. Part of you feels so, so good in San’s arms. But the other half feels so incredibly conflicted about the whole situation solely because San is an enigma. You aren’t sure if it’s enough to sway you away. Reality hits when the crowd outside roars in cheers, pulling you away from the sweet daydream, the sweet fog that temporarily clouded your vision. Your hands rest on his shoulders as you gently pry him away and push him back. “San.” You repeat.
“Yeah?”
“We shouldn’t.” He licks his lips, eyes still glued onto yours. Surprisingly, he doesn’t fight back, no. Instead, he kisses you one last time— lips locked until one of you pulls away first. You hop off his lap and walk off towards the curtain, giving him one last look before leaving him alone. “See you out there, okay?” Is all you manage to say. San knows better than to do this here, of all places, but he can’t seem to help himself. He’s stuck on you, has this pull to you, and he wants it all. He doesn’t fight though, because he should be doing better. This probably looks all wrong and confusing to you and he doesn’t mean to do that. He’s just no good at this, no good at approaching you— you, so sexy and so independent.
It’s something about you, and he’s losing his mind.
“Shoot your fucking shot already.” Hongjoong comes around the corner from the bathroom, running into San as he exits the VIP booth.
“What?” He asks, still a bit discombobulated after the short but intense session in the booth.
“Your girl.”
“She’s not my girl.”
“Shut up.” He says, forehead furrowed. “We come to the club and all you do is look for her. Can’t tell me there isn’t anything more to it.”
“I don’t know.”
“Just do it. What do you have to lose? You’re not getting any younger.” Hongjoong snickers, but it quickly fades when San’s expression hasn’t changed. “You’re just trying to fuck, right?” San finally meets his eyes but he doesn’t say anything, and it kinda freaks Hongjoong out. “What the fuck, San?”
“What?”
“You actually like her? You can’t be serious. I thought it was just a one time thing–”
“What the fuck does it matter?” San lets out a small chuckle to play off the whole thing, but frankly, he’s trying his hardest to not let Hongjoong ruin his mood. “Look, I’m not trying to think about this here. Ready?” He nods towards the bar, finding Mingi and Wooyoung amongst the crowd.
For the rest of the night, you do what you do best— deflect and avoid. You’re not sure how long you can keep doing this around San, especially every time you have an encounter with him. You start questioning yourself so much that it gets to you, that the reality of the situation starts dawning on you even though you have no foundation to back things up. But, you’d like to think that you haven’t fallen too deep; you could still swim up to the surface if you needed to, and you’d like to keep it that way.
However, that feels like a far reach when your shift ends. You feel like you’ve escaped for the umpteenth time until you realize you really haven’t, and that maybe, San was always going to be an enigma you were meant to figure out.
“Y/N.” You hear a familiar voice call for you as you walk down the street. You’re still walking at a steady pace, but the steps behind you seem to be catching up fairly quickly. “Y/N—” You turn and place your hand over his mouth, making San furrow his brows at you.
“We’re still nearby. I’d like it if you didn’t go yelling my name around like that.” He chuckles as you let him go, continuing your walk home.
“Some people should know your name by now, right?”
“And the majority that don’t?” You look at him. “Let’s keep it that way.”
“Sorry, beautiful.” You playfully roll your eyes, trying to keep your guard up.
“What’re you doing, San?”
“Walking you home.”
“What about your friends?” You pause in your steps, creating enough distance between you and the club by now.
“They can handle their own.” He shrugs. “Let me walk you.”
“Then, what?”
“Then at least I know you’re safe and sound.” You let out a breath before continuing to walk with San. You aren’t gonna lie— having San’s company makes you feel ten times safer, and you feel comfortable having him alongside you. Usually, you rush your walk just to get home in one piece. Tonight, you can finally enjoy the crisp, night time air for a bit longer. 
Tonight, you can finally enjoy the stars for a bit longer.
Tonight, you can enjoy San for a bit longer.
“San?”
“Hm?”
“Don’t you get tired of going to the club?” He shakes his head and laughs.
“Not really. It’s kinda fun. Beats going to a regular club.”
“Can I ask?” He nods. “What do you do for work?”
“I just work for a tech company in their finance department.”
“Interesting.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t know tech guys liked strip clubs so much.”
“Change of scenery.” You chuckle, easing up a bit in San’s company. “Is this your usual walk home?”
“Mhm. It’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, but it’s also like.. 3am.” San looks down at you. “Why don’t you just take an Uber home or something?”
“Why, when it’s within walking distance?”
“Safety reasons. You don’t feel scared?”
“Not really. I’ve done this walk for years now.”
“Why don’t I just bring you home from now on?” You laugh.
“Even if you don’t go to the club?”
“Especially when I don’t go to the club.”
“That’s too much work. I can’t ask you to do that. Plus, you work a regular 9-5 I’m assuming.”
“But, I’m offering? I don’t really trickle in right at 9 for work, as long as I make my 8 or so hours for the day. Plus, I can work from home sometimes.” You don’t say anything, so he quickly follows up with: “I know the walk is close, but it makes me feel weird about letting you be out here this late after work.”
“Hm.” You look at him.
“Let me.” 
“Hey, just so we remember this— you offered and put that out on the table. Not me.” He laughs.
“Got it, your honor.”
“Are you not cold?”
“No. The cold is helping a lot right now.”
“How drunk were you today?”
“Pretty drunk.” He laughs. “It’s been a very long couple of weeks. I probably sound like a broken record but there’s no better way to put it. Lots of deadlines to meet with little time to prep.”
“Ah, the surprise deadlines. I’m sure it went fine, right?”
“Yeah, sure. After all the stress they put me through first.” San snorts.
“It’s done now. You made it.” You turn the corner and continue to walk down the path until you reach your building— a small, quaint building in the middle of the residential area. You lead San to your door at the far right corner of the building. “Welp, this is me.” You turn to look at him and he gives you a tiny, toothless smile.
“Cute.” You awkwardly fiddle with your fingers, feeling bad about turning San away. A part of you genuinely wants his company outside of the club and he seems to want the same, too.
“D-do you wanna come in, by any chance?”
“Only if you’re okay with it.”
“I am.” You turn to unlock the door. “Sorry if it’s super small and not aesthetically pleasing to look at.”
“Y/N, don’t apologize.” He steps in and steps out of his shoes, eyes wandering around your tiny studio. “It’s nice. I like the plants.” He eyes the plants near the shelf that blocks off your bed from the couch, TV and ‘living room’ area.
“Thanks. I try to take really good care of them.” He chuckles as he plops onto the couch.
“It’s a cozy space. It’s perfect for you, no?”
“I like it. I’ve been here for the past year and a half or so? Jongho’s aunt is the landlord and he did a lot to convince her to let me have this place for decent rent.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah. He was probably tired of me.” You grab two water bottles from your fridge. “I lived with him for a long time. We shared rooms.”
“He’s a really good friend.”
“He is.” You stand near him and hand him the water bottle. “Make yourself at home, I’m just gonna take a quick shower.”
“Can I join?” 
“Do you wanna be tossed out?” He laughs.
“Kidding.” He pulls out his phone and begins to scroll through his social media. “I’ll wait patiently.” You grab your shirt and shorts before running into the bathroom to take a quick body shower, excited to rinse off the night from your skin. It only takes you about 15 minutes to fully get ready for bed, San still waiting patiently on your couch. His eyes shift from his screen to you—
Slowly ogling your body,
Down to your legs.
“Feel better?”
“Mhm.” You plop next to him, watching as he lets his head rest on the back of the couch. “Tired?”
“Yeah.”
“You should go home and get rest.”
“Do you want me to go home?” He looks at you and you aren’t really sure how to answer the question. Yes, you do, so San can rest.
But no, you don’t, because you like having him here.
You can’t help but remember the events that transpired earlier at the club and what it would feel like to have his lips on you again—
“No, not really.”
“Good, cause I wanna keep you company for a little longer.”
“San?”
“Yeah, pretty girl?”
“When you kissed me earlier—” You lick your lips and swallow the lump in your throat. “Did you kiss me because you were drunk at the club, or because you genuinely wanted to?”
“I told you I really wanted to.” You sit and look at him, unsure of how you feel about his response. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“It’s not that.”
“Then?”
“I don’t know, San. I can’t read you.”
“You don’t have to.” He sits up, his face only inches away from yours. “It’s okay to tell me you don’t believe me, Y/N. I’d rather you be honest than not.”
“Then, no. I don’t.” He lets out a tiny, breathy laugh, a small smirk perked up on the corner of his lips.
“Fair enough.” He says lowly, eyes scanning your lips, your face and all its features. “Then, will you give me another chance to show you so you do believe me?” His thumb gently caresses your chin before grazing over your bottom lip. “Hm?” He hums. You nod, giving him leverage to dip down further, lips locked with yours for another soft, passionate kiss. It quickly deepens when San slips his tongue in; his fighting for dominance against yours. You find yourself hurrying to position yourself onto his lap, hands grabbing at his shirt. He gently nibbles on your jaw before making his way back down to your neck, no longer hesitating to suck on certain spots to leave his mark. His hands make their way up your shirt, palming at your tits while you fiddle with the buttons of his shirt. “Let’s get this off, baby.” The petname sends shivers down your spine, making you easily oblige to his request.
You shed off his shirt just as he tosses yours to the side, mouth instantly latching onto your perked bud. His tongue moves in a circular motion, pulling back with a pop before moving onto the next. You let out a moan when he flicks around your nipple, sucking gently before trailing his lips a bit further down.
“Hold onto me. Need you on the bed.” He huskily says as you wrap your arms and legs around him, San’s hands coming down to grip your ass. He takes you to your bed, wasting no time to get rid of the rest of the clothing sitting on your bodies. Everything feels so intimately rushed with San because there’s so much desire, so many thoughts and cravings to be fulfilled. He continues to kiss you, slipping two digits into you to test the waters— to see how wet you are, how tight you are. “Jesus.” He mumbles against your lips. 
You are dripping.
“Sannie.” The nickname accidently slips from your lips again, making him smile against you.
“So cute when you say my name like that.” He lets out a breath. “You’re so wet for me. Think you can take me now?” He’s pumping himself and the sight makes you drool. He’s perfectly built— toned abs and biceps, skin dipped in honey, a perfectly thick cock. You nod, eager to get a taste of San, eager to see what he’ll do to you.
“Need you.”
“Oh, you do?” He has that smug smirk on his face just as positions himself at your entrance. “Shit, I don’t have a condom—” 
“Here.” You quickly dig through your nightstand and grab a condom you got last week. Dude who tipped you off thought he was slick by throwing a condom in there, thinking he could get some.
At least it came in handy to your liking.
San quickly rips the packet open, throwing the condom on before lowering himself back down onto you. You let out a broken moan when he slips himself in, slowly burying himself to the hilt. His breath is hot against your neck, the both of you releasing shaky exhales while you get used to the feeling. He begins to rock his hips at a slow, steady pace; mumbling curses against your skin as he adjusts to your walls sucking him in.
“God, you feel so good— fuck, Y/N. You’re so hot.” He grunts, his thoughts running wild about seeing you at the club, getting his lap dances.
To this.
Everything about you drives San wild and he’s not even sure how he can explain the feeling. So sexy, so independent; attitude on na-na while worrying about yourself and yourself only.
San starts to fuck you faster, hips pounding against you and echoing in the studio. You’re both probably a bit too loud for your neighbors right now, but you truly could care less. San was driving himself into you at a delicious pace, hitting you in all the right spots.
“San.” You call his name, hands tugging at the hair sitting on the nape of his neck. “Like that— like that.” You whimper. “Feels so good.”
“Yeah, baby?” He sits up to pound against you at a different angle, hands at your thighs to spread you completely open. He loves seeing the way your slickness coats his cock, his head tilting back in immense pleasure. “Wanna cum for me, pretty girl? Wanna cum all over this dick? So good for me.” He praises, and praises, thumb coming down to work your clit. 
“Oh, god.” You moan, hands gripping at the sheets as you feel yourself tipping over the edge the more San fucks into you, the more he rubs at your clit, the more your hips match his movements. You have never been this turned on by someone— at least, not in a very long time. San is so, so attractive. He is suave, and he knows what he’s doing with you. “So close.” San continues to praise you, telling you how beautiful you look underneath him.
How pretty you are.
How badly he wants you.
How you always drive him crazy.
And if it wasn’t for the constant praising, if it wasn’t for the way his hips worked so well against yours, if it wasn’t for the way San was skillfully rubbing at your clit— you wouldn’t be close to unraveling so quickly.
“San, I’m—“ You barely make out before you come undone beneath him, mouth slacked open as a silent moan leaves your lips; body trembling in his grip. This gives him momentum to drive his hips into you faster, harder; uncoiling shortly afterwards.
“Shit, Y/N. Feels too good.” San groans, unloading into the condom. His hands tightly grip your thighs as he gives it one, two more thrusts before coming back down from his high.
Everything feels so beautiful, yet intimately rushed. So, so good yet equally so, so bad for you.
Before you can even say anything, San lowers himself to give you a kiss on the lips. He kisses you for awhile before slipping himself out and grabbing a napkin to wrap the condom in. He quietly takes another few napkins to help clean up, wiping you gently before moving onto himself and plopping onto your bed next to you.
“You okay?” He asks, eyes closed as he regulates his breathing.
“Mhm.”
“Good?”
“Maybe.” He chuckles at your response, pulling you into his arms while you pull the sheets over the both of you. “Definitely worn out, though.”
“Yeah, same.” He kisses the top of your head. “Mind if I crash here for a bit? I don’t mind leaving too, if it makes you uncomfortable. Just let me know.”
“No, you’re good. I don’t mind, San.”
“Was hoping you’d say that.” You chuckle, adjusting your position to comfortably lay on San and fall asleep on his chest.
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This is when you start to regret ever giving San the attention, your number, everything. 
Because now that you know him a little more, San has become your kryptonite.
After that night, you woke up to an empty bedside— almost no signs of San entirely in your studio. Though it made your heart clench a little bit, part of you knew you wouldn’t be waking up to him.
For work, for other reasons.
Other reasons being that maybe, he really just did want you the one time. And the thought lingered for a little longer when he took awhile to text you that day, your mind running through all the worst possible scenarios during the hours.
▹ FLASHBACK
You slept like a baby after what felt like years, warmth of the sheets still engulfing you as your eyes flutter open. The sun leaves a trail down your sheets, everything quiet; still. When you turn, you find that San is gone— the dip on that side of the bed long gone, his clothes gone, waterbottle gone.
It was like he was never here in the first place.
Your clothes are set neatly off on the edge of the bed instead of the floor. And god, it feels kinda lonely without San. It’s your first telltale sign of attachment, though you know you shouldn’t be at that point after one intimate night with him.
But, it’s hard.
You check your phone and there aren’t any new texts besides Jongho and his need to send you random Instagram reels or TikToks. You lay in bed for a bit longer, letting out a soft sigh when you catch yourself wondering about San in that way. You shut your eyes for a little more, hoping you’ll be able to shake off the ‘what if’s’ with a couple of more hours of sleep. 
Meanwhile, San tiredly walks into the office a bit past 10am, hopping straight into his first meeting of the day. It lasts an hour before he’s finally able to walk to the kitchen to grab his first [and much needed] cup of coffee.
“What the fuck happened to you last night, Mr. Suave?” Wooyoung comes beside him, waiting to get his cup of coffee refilled.
“I walked Y/N home.” San smirks.
“Yeah, obviously.” Wooyoung slightly glares at him. “You’re not slick, dumbass. You fucked, didn’t you?”
“What’s it to you?”
“Wow, I’m your bestfriend and you’re asking me that question?” Wooyoung lets out a little ‘pfft’ before playfully shoving San aside to finally get his refill. “I’ll take that as a yes. What’s the deal with you and Miss Crimson, anyway?”
“I like seeing her.” San shrugs. “I like her company.”
“You barely know her outside of the strip club.”
“I believe that’s the point of getting to know her.” San says in a very matter-of-a-fact tone.
“Dude, I didn’t think you’d actually go for her.” San raises his brow.
“Why is everyone saying that? What’s so wrong about it?”
“Nothing! I really just thought you were trying toot it and boot it.”
“Hm.” All San can do is hum while he stirs the stirrer around in his cup. 
“But what about Noelle? You guys have that weird, toxic ex relationship thingy going on.” Wooyoung almost visibly shudders at the thought of their complicated relationship. So much back and forth, lying, getting in each other’s beds just to fulfill a need even though they don’t mean it for shit.
Yeah, toxic.
“Yeah, no. I’m done with that.”
“Mm, but you’ve said that before. You mean it? Like you’re actually over her because you genuinely like Y/N? Or, you’re done with it until you cave again?”
“I’m done with it.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.” Wooyoung takes a sip of his coffee. “I saw her texting you again.”
“I’m trying to tell her it’s done with.”
“Don’t see the urgency though, Mr. I-like-Y/N-and-I-enjoy-her-company. Out here breaking hearts in true Choi San fashion.” 
“Don’t say shit like that.” 
“Okay.” Wooyoung laughs, leaving him in the kitchen. San sighs to himself, a little tired, stressed even, about the whole Noelle situation. Truthfully, Wooyoung is right. Him and Noelle have too much history, too much baggage. Too much of that toxic shit. San is partially to blame because he does crawl back to her, he does cave pretty easily. And it’s not even because San wants to get back with her, no. He knows they can’t work out. All they do is bring out the worst in each other. 
But, Noelle is the only thing he’s known for awhile. She fills his void pretty well because it’s familiar territory. 
He’s done with it, though. He swears. He’s confused and not entirely sure where he sees this going right now, but you are intriguing. He sees you and his curiosity skyrockets. He wants to know more about you, and after last night, he feels like he can’t get enough of you. He wants more, and he’ll continue to show you that.
▹ END
“Yo.” Jongho’s eyes are barely peeking over the screen on the FaceTime call.
“What’s up?”
“What’re you doing?”
“Just hanging out. Eating some lunch.” You continue to poke at the salad you made. “How’s work?”
“Good, I guess. I’m grabbing some food right now from the shop down the street. How’s loverboy been?”
“Would you stop calling him that?”
“Well, what else is he, Y/N?” Jongho laughs a bit. 
“Not my loverboy.”
“Says you even though he drops by to bring you food and calls you nonstop.”
“He doesn’t call me nonstop.”
“Sorry, once a day.” He gives you a look. “Have you seen him lately?”
“No. He went to the club once last week. Said he’s been busy again with work. I feel like it’s something else, though.”
“Mmm.” Jongho hums. “You’re overthinking.”
“I’m not.”
“I can hear you from here. What is it?”
“He’s just been kinda weird lately.” 
“Distant?”
“Yeah. Maybe it is just work.”
“He’s probably just got way too much on his plate.”
“I shouldn’t even be thinking about it like this too much.” You finish up your salad. “It’s fine. I’m sure he’s fine.”
“Mm, okay. Well. Are you doing your usual shift at the club later?”
“Yeah.”
“How’s it been? Wanna hang out tomorrow before your shift?” He slightly pushes the phone away after placing his order and paying at the cashier.
“It’s the same old.” You sigh. “I’m down for that though.”
“Okay. I’ll come get you.” 
“Jongho.”
“Yeah?”
“Seeing San makes me question myself. I don’t know if that’s good or not.”
“In what way?”
“I just feel ashamed. It makes me wanna look for a different job and leave the club.”
“Well, okay. Are you still happy at the club, or do you wanna do something else?”
“I’m happy but I feel like I could do better.”
“Because of San or because of you? Kinda important to differentiate. If you’re still happy but feel like you could do better for you, then great! But, if you wanna do better just to impress San and do it for him, then no.”
“I feel so stupid. I mean, he drops me off at home. We see each other from time to time–”
“Have sex with each other from time to time–”
“Jongho!”
“What?” He laughs.
“You’re in public!”
“So?! It’s natural human behavior. My god.” He laughs a bit more. “I’m not wrong though.”
“It’s so dumb. I don’t even know what this is. Probably not even something to be questioning my life like this.”
“Has San ever said anything to make you feel that way?”
“No. In fact, he’s supportive about everything and didn’t make me feel terrible about my past decisions.”
“Then you’re overthinking again.” He thanks the staff before grabbing his bag of food. “Y/N, what did I tell you? Just let things be. Don’t make any rash decisions or start assuming things if everything is fine.”
“But is everything fine?”
“It sounds like it to me. He seems like a nice guy. You might wanna have that conversation about what you two are later on if things really haven’t progressed yet, but otherwise, I truly think he’s a nice guy and he’s probably just busy.”
“Jongho–” Suddenly, a few knocks come to your door, throwing you off guard mid-call.
“Guess that’s my cue to go. Text me about tomorrow.”
“Alright.” You say right before ending the call. You set your bowl aside in the kitchen before looking through the peephole on the door. To your surprise [or not], San is standing there on his phone with a small bag in hand.
“Hey.” You say, as you let him in. He smiles, but San doesn’t respond right away with the same enthusiasm. Instead, he shifts his attention to the text that came through on his phone before tucking it away and smiling at you.
“Hey. Sorry.” He hands you a small bag. “I bring pastries.”
“Mm, more pastries.” You tease with a giggle. “Thanks. What brings you here?”
“Sorry, I meant to text you but I forgot. I just wanted to see you since I haven’t been able to for a bit.” He kisses you on the cheek before making his way to your couch.
“Work’s been crazy, hm?” He sighs and leans his head back.
“Uh, yeah. It has been. But, it’s finally the weekend and I can kick back for a bit.” His hand comes up to run your back while you dig through the pastries he bought. “Did you eat already?”
“Mm, yeah. I just made a small salad. I’m not too hungry. Was on the phone with Jongho for a bit.”
“I see. You should eat a little more before your shift.”
“I will.” You look at him. “Are you guys going to the club tonight?” He nods.
“Mingi said he needs it.” You chuckle.
“Do you need it, too?”
“Kinda, but I’m here with you already and I get you all to myself.”
“You do that at the club, too.” You tease.
“Can’t help it.” San quietly looks at you while his arm is loosely around your waist. You observe him for a bit, trying to see if you can read into him or find any obvious signs of what else has been stressing him lately. He’s the same, except more tired, not as talkative or playful like he usually is. Your gut tells you it’s something deeper than work and you’re not sure how you’ll figure him out.
“San.”
“Mhm?” 
“You sure it’s just been work stressing you out?” He leans forward to meet your gaze with a small smile.
“Yeah. I’m sorry I haven’t really been myself lately.”
“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.”
“I missed you, though. I really missed you.” His finger is tracing soft circles against your hip. He dips forward to place a gentle kiss right below your earlobe, his soft, pink lips sending tingles down your spine. You shouldn’t be buckling this fast around San, but god, does he have you wrapped around his finger. He places a kiss at the corner of your lips and you instantly feel like jelly.
You missed him, too.
And you want him. Badly.
Before you know it, San is sitting up against the wall, watching you bounce on his dick like the good girl you are. He’s watching through hooded eyes; glued to the way your tits bounce, the way his cock slides in and out of you, the way you moan for him like all of this was made for you and you only.
“Fuck.” San groans, hands on your hips to guide you and slam you down onto his length. “You know how to ride me so well.” He watches as you begin to roll your hips against him, taking more control while riding him; it's pure ecstasy. Your moans, your movements, everything about it is just.. addicting. 
You have such a captivating presence, and San can't help but lose himself in you.
“Baby, if you keep working me like that, you’ll make me cum.” He moans, head resting back against the wall. Your hand rests on his neck, giving it a gentle squeeze as you feel yourself bubbling with pleasure. Your clit is rubbing against him deliciously, and you can’t help but sit back and ride him at a different angle. 
“Sannie.” You moan loudly. “Ohhhhshit.” Your words melt together when you suddenly feel yourself unraveling quicker than expected. “I’m cumming— fuck, fuck, fuck—“ You repeat like a mantra, hips working sloppily against him as you come undone; the sounds bouncing off the walls nothing short of pornographic.
“That’s my good girl.” San loves watching the way your face contorts in pleasure, the way you moan loudly, the way he could hear how wet you are. Once you’ve come down from your high, San wastes no time getting you on your fours— face down, ass up. He gives your ass a good knead, spitting onto your pussy before lining himself back up at your entrance. He pushes himself in and works at a steady rhythm, giving your ass a good smack. You let out another moan, tears pricking your lids at how sensitive you’re feeling right now. He’s fucking into you so good, your ass is clapping against him. “You look so good like this, baby. You like it when I fuck you like this, hm?” He gives your ass another smack, cheek red from the impact. “Does it feel good?”
“So good, San.” He moans loudly as he continues to piston into you.
“Your pussy was made for me.” He groans. “Whose is it, Y/N?”
“Y-yours.” You choke, cheek digging deep into the mattress. 
“Louder, babygirl. I can’t hear you.”
“Yours!”
“There you go.” He grunts, ass feeling numb from San fucking into you. The way he’s driving into you and hitting your spot at this angle feels so good, you feel the pleasure bubbling in your pit again. You raise yourself up a bit to rub at your clit, pushing your orgasm forward as San’s movements begin to get sloppy. “Shit, Y/N.”
“San, cum for me.” You egg him on as he begins to pant. Hearing him praise you and call your name pushes you over the edge once more, hands gripping at the sheets while you shudder from the second orgasm taking over. San quickly pulls out and unloads onto your ass, back.
“God.” He huffs as he gives himself one last pump and pants heavily. “So good for me. You okay, pretty girl?” His hand comes up your back, leaving a random trail of kisses along the way.
“Yeah.” You let out a breath.
“Let me clean you up. Don’t move.” He quickly runs to your bathroom to grab some wipes. “Gonna be kinda cold. I’m sorry.” He apologizes in advance before taking a wipe to your back.
“That feels kinda nice.” San chuckles, allowing you to lay back on your bed first before slipping in next to you post-cleanup.
“You feel nice.” You laugh, laying your head on his chest while he grabs his phone.
“So, what time are you guys heading to the club tonight?”
“I don’t know. Probably between 9-10pm?” 
“You know there’s an event tonight, right?”
“I heard.” San laughs. “Some male dancers are guesting at the club?”
“Yeah. They’ll be on the second stage, though.” San nods, a few texts coming into his phone. You can’t help but glaze over the previews, back to back texts coming in from a ‘Noelle.’ The messages aren’t too lengthy, but she is texting him quite a few times and the previews alone are enough to make your stomach twist and turn.
It’s making you anxious, and for some reason, your gut tells you this Noelle is significant to San. 
He’s not trying to pay attention to it right now though, and it’s probably just because he’s in your company post-sex. He briefly looks at the messages at the top, thumb coming up to swipe them away. 
“Is it just you guys?” You ask, wondering if San would open up to you otherwise.
“Uh, yeah. Pretty sure. Unless Mingi invites other people.”
“Mmm, okay.”
“I’m excited to see you on stage again.” He looks down at you with a smirk. 
“Yeah right.”
“Swear. Everyone knows I’m only there for you. It’s kinda nice to show it off.”
“Show what off?”
“That you’re mine.” He winks, making your heart melt into a puddle. You hate that San gives you these signals, but there hasn’t been much to it besides seeing each other occasionally outside of the club and fucking each other’s brains out. 
“Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”
“Who said I didn’t mean it?!” You shake your head and turn to your side, now going through your own phone. San gives you a kiss on the shoulders, hand coming up to rub your arm while he continues to plant random kisses at the nape of your neck, below your ear, jaw.
“Sannie, what are you doing?” You giggle, ticklish from the feeling of his lips against your skin.
“Kinda want you again.”
“Are you serious?” You turn to look at him and he smirks.
“Can’t help it. You drive me crazy.” His hand comes down to your thigh, giving it a squeeze. “Wanna keep taking care of you.”
“Do you, now?” You tease, letting San continue to kiss you; hand coming down and ghosting your clit. You decide to let San have you once more before he’s struggling to part from your lips, even as he’s about to head out the door. 
You blush watching him leave, excited to show off and see him tonight.
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The night comes rather quickly because the club is incredibly packed with all sorts of people making their way in to see all of the dancers. You’re having to entertain on stage, deliver drinks and give a few private dances. It’s nothing beyond what you’re already used to doing, but the clientele is booming tonight and you’re constantly moving around all ends of the club.
It’s a little past 10pm when you catch wind of Mingi, Hongjoong, San and Wooyoung. And for a minute, your eyes light up. San immediately plops onto a chair, legs spread as he smirks. He gestures for you to come over with his finger and lightly taps his lap, making you giggle to yourself while you continue to perform a few tricks on the pole. 
“Gorgeous.” San eyes the high-cut bodysuit sitting on your body, showing off all your curves beautifully. 
“You made it.” You crouch down in front of him, hands trailing up his legs.
“Of course, why would I miss out some more?” He winks, stuffing a few bills in the slit of your bodysuit while you stand lean towards his ear. 
“Can I get you something to drink?”
“You?” You laugh.
“Cliché.”
“Kidding, baby.” He bites onto his bottom lip. “Can we get shots of whiskey?”
“All four of you?”
“Yes please, pretty lady.” Hongjoong smirks. “Bodysuit looks good on you.”
“Openly hitting on San’s woman is crazy.” Wooyoung laughs loudly.
“Just complimenting her.” 
“Yeah, keep it up.” San teases Hongjoong.
“Thank you. I’ll be back.” You smile at Hongjoong before stepping over to the bar to grab their shots. At this point, it feels like everything happens so quickly; the following moments, the rest of the night— all a blur. When you return to the four, they’ve added a few more to the group. And this time, it’s a group of 5 girls— one that is in a heated conversation with San off to the side. You slow your pace, watching as she clings around his waist, but he gently shoves her off and shakes his head. He heads back to his seat and she welcomes herself on his lap, ignoring everything that he had just done to her moments ago. San doesn’t seem entirely pleased being that he’s been trying to distance himself from her, but to no avail— you’ve already returned and he panics.
“Here.” You hand them their drinks, handing San’s last.
“Noelle, seriously. Can you please get off my lap?” Noelle. You can’t help but feel your heart fall to the pit of your stomach, though you’re trying your best to brush it off in the heat of the moment. 
“You’re such a killjoy.” She whines, sitting on the edge of the chair. 
“Thank you, love.” His look is unreadable when he reaches for his glass and so is yours. But, San knows you saw everything and he knows it all looks wrong. It, all of this, must seem so fucked up to you right now and he wishes he could just pull you aside to clear up the air.
“Thank you, Miss Crimson.” Mingi raises his shot glass to you.
“Is that the stripper San is into?” You overhear one of the girls ask, followed by a:
“He’s not serious, right? Her?” Noelle scoffs and you subtly roll your eyes, getting ready to head back to the bartender. You weren’t gonna let this girl get to you. Not today.
“Have a good night.” Is what you tell Wooyoung in passing, making him flash San a look shortly afterwards.
“Don’t think she’s too happy about Noelle being here.”
“I didn’t know they were actually coming either.” San glares at him, trying his best to shake off Noelle and continue to create some distance. He truthfully didn’t think Noelle and her friends were coming along. Mingi had briefly mentioned the event to them, sliding in a stupid joke about how much San loves coming solely because of you. She didn’t take it lightly, hence why she decided to come along even though their initial plan was to head to the regular club down the street. 
When San sees Noelle, he’s pretty irritated. The last time she was texting him, she was blowing up his phone about shit from the past and their relationship. Quite frankly, he no longer has energy to deal with her and he’s tired of the back and forth. He doesn’t wanna start any issues tonight since it seems too late to brush them off and he doesn’t wanna dampen the mood. He knows how clingy she gets and he knows how she can act when she feels him slowly slipping from her grip, especially if they’re together in person. The last thing San wanted to do was upset you, nor did he want you to think of him as an asshole who only wanted you for one thing. 
That was not his plan.
He knows you’re not happy and he knows he fucked up for even trying to brush this off, for hiding Noelle when he had no reason to.
“You aren’t actually into the stripper are you?” She questions San and he furrows his brows.
“It literally isn’t any of your business.”
“Wow, so you are? I came out tonight, hoping we could—”
“Oh god, enough of that shit. Not here.” Wooyoung sighs. “Let’s go enjoy ourselves, that’s the whole point of tonight, right?” Wooyoung tries to push his bestfriend to the main stage, leaving the girls to enjoy the men on the second stage. You’ve continued to deliver a few drinks around the other room before stepping back onto the main stage. In your peripherals, you can see San eyeing you; almost pleading for you to swing by his way.
Except, you don’t, and you start to entertain a few men on the other side of the stage. San feels his blood boil a little when he sees you giving your attention to another man, knowing full well you were doing this on purpose.
And you were. You weren’t exactly sorry about it.
Because you didn’t have time for this bullshit, and your job still needed to get done. At the end of the day, you are just a dancer. What more could you be to him? You temporarily feed into their fantasies, nothing more, nothing less.
The reality is hitting you more and more tonight.
It makes you feel stupid for having thought otherwise, for letting the possibility live longer than it should’ve.
You’re not sure if you have time to entertain someone who has all that baggage.
San comes around to see you in better view, watching as you crouch down with your legs cocked open; swiping two fingers across your tongue before running it over your [barely] clothed pussy. San clenches his jaw when the man in front of you leans forward with a huge smirk on his lips, holding a roll of bills in his hand.
“Uh oh.” Wooyoung instigates. “I told you so. In true Choi San fashion.”
“Stop that.” Wooyoung shrugs.
“Noelle’s here, hoping she could be the one to go home with you tonight. And that one—“ He points at you over his glass. “Thinks you’re toying with her emotions. Pick a fucking battle.”
“I already told you I was done with the whole Noelle thing. She doesn’t get it for whatever reason.” San slightly groans and clicks his teeth. “Why did Mingi invite them, anyway?”
“I don’t know? I can’t control that boy’s mouth. Besides, you know he’s been trying to get with Donna after those dates didn’t go well.” San sees you dip into a private booth with the guy, shutting the curtains closed without looking his way. He takes a sip of his drink, stepping closer to the stage to try and enjoy himself– ignoring the possibilities of what’s going on behind that curtain.
The club feels suffocating, and he wants out.
Especially when you seem to be taking your time in the booth.
“You wanna head out? Noelle and the girls wanna head down the street now. Said they’re bored of the guys already.” Mingi asks, pointing at the girls getting ready to head out to the next club down the street. 
“Already?” Hongjoong cocks a brow up. “We literally just got here.”
“Yeah, I guess they’re over it.”
“I mean, whatever. Just don’t ask me to leave the other club hella early.” Joong rolls his eyes. “Whose bright fucking idea was to invite them anyway?” He glares at Mingi.
“Sorry! I wanted to be nice and extend the invite. I didn’t think they’d be over it so quickly.”
“Right, you wanted to be nice and get into Donna’s pants.”
“Do you wanna stay back?” Wooyoung asks in San’s ear, but all San can do is shrug. “We don’t have to go with them.”
“Let’s just go, I’ll never hear the end of it if we stay back.” Wooyoung simply looks at him in return.
“Let’s go!” Mingi yells. San subtly looks back to try and see if you’re out of the booth, but Mingi is already shoving him towards the door– towards Noelle and her friends.
“Choi San, hurry up!” Noelle whines as she waits for him.
“Noelle, you don’t have to wait for me. You can go with your friends.”
“Why are you acting so mean tonight?” She tugs on his wrist, but he snatches it out of her grip. “It definitely can’t be about her, right?”
“Go have fun with your friends and I’ll worry about my own.” San doesn’t mean to sound like an asshole, but he’s truly tired of the back and forth between Noelle. He hates that she acts this way, and he hates that she’s here. He feels like the night has gone to waste because he won’t be able to fully enjoy himself.
On top of that, you’re livid with him.
Speaking of you— You’ve kept yourself close to the pole even though your client has asked you for a lap dance. Once, twice, maybe even thrice. He’s attractive, but your mind is glued to San and how terrible this night ended up playing out for you. Luckily, the client doesn’t seem to fight much against it; as long as he gets his fix of you somehow, he’ll take it. Tonight’s one of those nights where you’ll stay for the full 45 to get the extra money, to hide away from the rest of the crowd. 
One, two.
Twirl around the pole.
Three, four.
Invert and lean back.
Five, six.
Gently fall into the splits.
Seven, eight.
Bounce your ass on the stage. 
“You’re a fucking goddess.” He says, gently palming himself through his pants, forcing you to mask the disgust you feel watching him openly do that. Though, you’ve seen worse and you’ve trained yourself to have the thick skin needed in this industry. Right now, it hits differently. Because of San, because of Noelle.
Because of everything.
“You sure you can’t come down here and get on daddy’s lap? I think I’ve slipped you enough money to at least get a lapdance.”
“Sorry, not doing that tonight, love.” 
“Aw, why not? Not even for me?”
“Not for you. Or them.” You say, bending over to at least give him a peek of what he wants.
“You sure you’re not saving it all for someone else?”
“Nope.”
“Gonna have to come back on a better night then.” He bites his bottom lip. “You’re my favorite. I swear you drive me crazy.” The statement is enough to trigger San’s voice in your head, causing you to rush through the last bit of your pole dance before thanking the man for his time and tip.
When you step out of the booth, you no longer see San and his group and it instantly makes your heart clench. You didn’t know what to expect tonight, but you definitely didn’t expect San to leave so quickly with his friends—
With Noelle and her friends.
Now, you’re back to square one. You feel like a mere distraction, something that temporarily fills the void; nothing more, nothing less. You quickly head to the back to get some air and a moment to yourself, finding a few texts from San:
san: Y/N, i’m sorry. i didn’t know they were coming. mingi just invited them and didn’t really say anything about it.
san: i know you’re probably wondering about her and i can explain. it’s really not what it looks like. 
san: let me know when you’re off? i wanna take you home still. 
san: i wanna talk to you and see you. please.
You swallow the lump in your throat as you shut off the phone and ignore the texts. Even if you wanted to answer back, even if it fucking pains you to re-run through those texts, you keep your head up and throw on a brave face for the rest of your shift.
San is still your kryptonite, and you aren’t sure where to go from here.
You need to leave quickly enough to avoid running into San tonight. 
Guess you’d be taking your usual walk alone. 
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You managed to dodge San and his friends on your way home that one awful night, ignoring his calls even as you’ve gotten comfy and tucked in your bed. San continued to blow up your phone into the next day until he realized you weren’t gonna answer him anytime soon.
And it sucked.
But, you needed to hold your ground. You needed to go back to the Y/N who worried about her own, the Y/N who didn’t let anything faze her even if she was hurt by loved ones, by friends.
You needed to go back to the Y/N who kept it real with herself and was proud of how far she’s come despite the ups and downs.
You hadn’t seen San come to the club, and it was probably his way of giving you the space that you indirectly asked for. And indeed, you needed this.
You needed to go back to the old Y/N and reprioritize.
“Hey baby.” Mia says, hand on the small of your back as you dab a bit of lip gloss onto your lips.
“Hey.”
“How’re you doing?” She brushes your hair back and gives you a small, sympathetic smile.
“I’ve seen better days.” You let out a chuckle.
“You haven’t texted him back?” You shake your head.
“No. I don’t really know what to say. I just feel kinda dumb. Maybe we were just meant to be a thing in passing.”
“Don’t say that. I know he had some feelings for you, and I know the situation was unique. But, nobody would go through all that effort if it didn’t matter to them.”
“Mm, yeah, He just has some baggage he has to deal with and I don’t think I have time or energy for that.”
“For all you know, it could just be her.”
“But, why hasn’t he officially let her go then?” Mia pouts a bit.
“I think he’s over it. He didn’t seem all that interested in her at all.” She nods. “Talk to him, hun. Let him explain. It might just be a misunderstanding.”
“Yeah, maybe.” She gives you a reassuring smile.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
“I know, babe. Thanks.” You give her a toothless smile, letting out a small squeal when she slaps your ass.
“Now get out there and do your thing, the clients are waiting.” You chuckle and shake your head, taking one last look in the mirror before you head out to the main stage. You strut your way across the floor, doing your usual sweet talk with a few of the men lining the stage. You take the stage for a bit and do your usual routine, letting them slip their bills wherever they can under your gear, or shower the stage with a few more extra tips. Just as you were getting into the swing of things, you catch San walking in by himself. You almost lose track of your thoughts, distracted by how good he looks. He’s sporting simple slacks and a gray-striped button up with chelsea boots, rolex on his wrist. He looks around the club before his eyes land on yours, and you suddenly feel like you’ve lost the ability to move, to dance.
▹ FLASHBACK
“I’ve never seen you this sulky. It’s kinda annoying.” Wooyoung plops next to San on the couch, watching as he slouches and lazily texts back on his phone.
“Fuck off.”
“I’m assuming she’s not answering your texts or calls yet?”
“Nope.”
“Down bad.”
“Are you here to help or to get on my nerve?” San glares at his bestfriend.
“Why don’t you just go see her?”
“I don’t wanna cross boundaries and be in her space, especially if she’s already not answering my texts or calls.”
“Maybe this is what she needs, though. She’s probably still assuming shit about Noelle. Which, by the way, I hope you ended it. For real.”
“I did. That’s why she was hella upset during the last half of the club and I left.”
“I thought you left to go after Y/N. Where exactly did you go?” 
“I mean, partially. I was gonna go after her and bring her home, but I was too late. The other half of me was pissed off because Noelle kept crying and trying to gaslight me. I told her I didn’t wanna do this anymore. Was tired of it. I told her we just don’t work and it’s time for us to move on.”
“‘Bout time you realized.” Wooyoung rolls his eyes. “I know you have love for her and I know she meant a lot to you, but that girl is crazy. You continued to feed into it, too.”
“Yeah, well.” 
“Just go see Y/N, dude. You look terrible.” San flips him off. “I mean it. If you want shit to change, then keep taking initiative.”
“I just don’t wanna scare her off. I already fucked up enough with this whole Noelle thing.”
“Damn, what did Y/N do to you?” Wooyoung laughs. “I truly didn’t think you’d end up finding your boo thing at the strip club. I’d like another thank you if this all goes well.” He smirks. “Thank you Wooyoung for making us go to the club on my birthday.” He says in a sing-song tone.
“Yeah, yeah.” San sighs. “I’ll probably head to the club tonight and try to talk to her.”
“Want me to come? Moral support.” He shakes his head.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll be good.”
▹ END
You quickly head off the stage and head to the bar, switching gears to take a break from the stage. You scurry along, hoping you aren’t making it too obvious that you’re trying to deflect and avoid San yet again. 
But, he knows. 
“Y/N, hey. Wait.” San says as you brush past him, hand gently coming to your wrist. You wiggle out of his grip, giving him a look as you continue on to the next room. “Y/N.” He continues to call, hurriedly following after you. “Y/N, please.” He says as he comes to your side while you gather a few drinks onto your tray.
“San, what? I’m working.” You respond, still keeping your attention to the drinks.
“Why haven’t you been answering my texts or calls?”
“Because.”
“Because, what? I didn’t mean to leave early without saying anything to you that night. I wanted to come back and take you home.”
“Oh, but Noelle didn’t let you, right?” 
“Y/N, please don’t do that. That’s not even what happened—” San has his hand around your wrist again, his eyes pleading for you to hear him out. 
“Aye, come on, my guy.” An unfamiliar man from the crowd comes in between you and San, ripping his hand away from your wrist. “Care to share? Stop being so selfish and gatekeeping her—”
“The fuck are you?”
“I see you come into this club with your friends, acting all high and mighty. You heard what I said.” He steps closer towards San. “Stop being so fucking selfish with her, hm? She’s for the crowd, baby’s meant to be shared—” The man suddenly slaps your ass and it turns a switch on for San. San pushes him away, causing the other man to lose his footing before attempting to swing at him.
“Stop that!” You try to yell, hoping it’d somehow break them apart. San is quick to dodge the first swing, but he gets unlucky with the second. San is quick to regain his composure, throwing a punch to him and causing him to fall to the ground. He towers over him and continues to lay a few more punches while you yell at security for assistance. “Quit it! San, stop! Stop it!” You repeat, prying him off of the man on the floor. “San!” You grip his bicep and pull him back.
“Fucking idiot.” San spits, hand coming to his jaw to ease the soreness. 
“Get them out of here!” You tell security and San furrows his brows at you.
“Y/N—”
“Out. Now!” You repeat yourself, following after security as they get their hands on both San and the other guy, escorting them out of the club. One shoves the other man through the front entrance, while the other shoves San out of the side entrance. You’re already following behind, signaling for security that it’s okay for him to leave you alone with San. He gives you a curt nod as he walks around the corner— giving you enough distance that allows privacy, but also allows him to step in if necessary. “What the fuck are you doing?!”
“I wasn’t gonna let him talk about you like that, Y/N. Don’t ask me that fucking question.”
“It’s my job.” You remind him. “I meant what are you doing here?! Why did you come here, San?”
“I came here to talk to you!” His tone raises. “You aren’t answering my texts or calls, and all I wanna do is make this right. What do you expect me to do?”
“Let it go.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because, San. What is it to you, anyway?”
“Are you serious?” He sighs, running his hand through his hair. “If you would just give me one second to talk to you—“ He pauses and lets out a frustrated sigh. “Y/N. All I want to do is talk to you and explain. I don’t wanna leave things like this.” He lowers his voice and steps closer to you.
“Then talk.” You cross your arms and shift your weight from one foot to another.
“Y/N, me and Noelle are done with. We’ve been done with for awhile. She’s my ex and we’ve gone through some shit but it’s over with.” He lets out a breath, the air cold and crisp against your skin. “Mingi invited them that night, and I just didn’t wanna cause any issues between us and ruin the night. She threw herself on me and I had been asking her to stop. I didn’t ask her to do that, nor did I want to entertain it. I shouldn’t have left with them though, I knew how that would look, too. I’m sorry. I promise you it meant nothing. I even told Noelle she needed to move on that night. I came back to the club, but you had already left.”
“San.” You shake your head. “Why?”
“Why, what?”
“Why me?”
“Y/N, I really do like you.”
“But, that’s the problem. You don’t even see the issue with this.”
“What issue?!
“Us! That’s the fucking issue, San! We come from such different lives, does that not bother you? We’ll never be on the same page, we’ll never work.” San furrows his brows, trying his hardest to take the blow even though it hurts to.
“Why would you say it like that? I don’t care about how different our lives are. That doesn’t matter to me–”
“It does to me!”
“Why?! I don’t care what people think and so shouldn’t you! Wouldn’t we be enough?”
“It’s so easy for you to say because you don’t know what it’s like to be on my side of things.”
“Then, let me know!” San raises his voice before running his hand through his hair. “Y/N, I would never take advantage of you. Never in my mind did I ever think of you that way. Why won’t you let me be here for you?”
“Because San, you had me thinking I was stupid. I felt like you were here for one thing, and it made me question everything about myself, my life. I hated feeling that way. I even compared myself to Noelle at one point.”
“She’s nothing to me! I’m sorry for having hid that from you, but I didn’t think much of it at the time since the whole thing caught me off guard. She means nothing to me, and we’re done with. I’m sorry.” For some reason, you are torn. You want to believe San, and there is a small part of you that does. However, you still can’t get over the fact that he still kept her close for lord knows how long. What if he was balancing you both at the same time? How could you know he was for sure over her and that this wasn’t just a phase?
“What if this is just a phase to you, huh? What happens when you realize how much we don’t work? That we’re just too different? That maybe she or someone else is a better fit for you all along.” Your bottom lip trembles and even though you try to hide it, San catches on. “This is my life, and it won’t change for awhile.”
“Stop putting words in my mouth and choosing how I should feel. That’s not how this works. I caught feelings for you, Y/N. Genuinely. None of our differences mattered to me, and it won’t ever. I’m sorry you felt that way and that was never my intention.” San says calmly, but god, is he terrified right now. He is anxious. Nervous. Scared. And as much as you wanna cave, you remember you are outside of the club in the freezing cold.
Arguing with San.
“San, you know what? This is enough.”
“Y/N.” He pleads through his tone.
“Please just go home.” You point at the side door before nervously rubbing at your sides. “We should talk about this another time. Not here.”
“O-okay, so are you gonna answer my texts or calls then?”
“I’ll text you, okay?” You look at him with some remorse. Right now, you don’t think you’re ready to talk to him and you probably need to sort out your thoughts before the next time. Or else, you’ll continue to try blaming him, the situation. You’ll continue to deflect, you’ll continue to let San’s words brush over your head because you aren’t used to this genuine attention— these genuine feelings, genuine intentions.
San doesn’t say anything else, but his expression makes your heart break more. You let out a sigh before turning on your heel to get back into the club and finish your shift. As soon as the door shuts and acts as a barrier between you two, a few tears escape your lids. You quickly brush them away and shake off the feelings, storming out onto the main stage to finish your night strongly.
You need Jongho.
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“This fucking sucks.” You tuck your knees to your chest as Jongho sighs and pours you another shot of tequila.
“Why don’t you text him, Y/N? Just talk to him.”
“I’m kinda scared. And nervous.” You take the shot with him.
“Why? He’s literally waiting for you to text him. You’ve just been big sad over him too, don’t you think that’s a sign?”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“Oh, I don’t know, ‘hey, can we talk?’ maybe?” Jongho gives you a look before shaking his head. “I love you, but dude. Get it together. You should just talk to him and stop putting yourself through this. You obviously like the guy and he feels the same way. The whole thing with his ex was just a misunderstanding, too. What exactly are you trying to put off?”
“I think I’m just scared. You know how it was with my ex. He wasn’t nice and also made me feel ridiculously stupid and incompetent for my decisions. Even after the break up.”
“Yeah, but he’s your ex for a reason. San is not the same person.” Jongho pours you another shot. “I understand you’re scared. But, you can’t shield yourself off from everything forever. I truly think he’s a genuinely nice guy.”
“Plus, I worry about him too. How would his friends feel about us being serious? His family, his sister?” 
“I’m sure it’ll all be fine. San isn’t even worried about that, nor does he seem to care. It doesn’t matter where you come from. They should be able to see what kind of person you are and the heart you have.” 
“Mm, yeah. I just worry too much. I don’t want my life to bleed into his and ruin the shit he’s built for himself.”
“It won’t. Jeez, you aren’t a criminal Y/N. You’re great at everything you do and you’re incredibly talented. You have a lot of qualities that could take you far.” There’s another pause, enough for you and Jongho to take the last shot to the neck before you pull out your phone and click on San’s text thread.
“Fuck it.”
“Exactly.” He sips on some soda to wash down the tequila burn. “By the way, I’m never talking about you that way again.” Jongho visibly shudders, making you playfully hit him on the shoulder. 
you: hi, sorry for the random text. can we talk?
You toss your phone aside and dig your face into your hands, nervous about the text back. Granted, it’s only been close to a week and a half after the whole thing went down at the club. Time moves so fast that part of you felt terrible for making San wait in general. But, it should be a testimony to how he truly feels about you.
“What if he’s over it?” You groan into your hands.
“Then at least you know, right? You can close that chapter and move on.” Jongho takes a bite of his chicken. “Highly doubt it though.” At this point, the phone dings behind Jongho and he’s quick to grab it for you— flashing you San’s name on the screen.
“Fuck.” You whine.
san: hey. don’t apologize. of course we can. should i swing by your place soon?
“I’ll drop you off in a bit.”
“Are you sure you’re good? I can ask him to pick me up.”
“Actually, yeah. Ask him.” You chuckle as Jongho pours another shot for himself.
you: yeah, but i’m at jongho’s. do you think you can pick me up?
san: yeah i can, love. just send me the address.
“He always gets so sweet. I can’t do this.” You send San Jongho’s address.
“Yes you can!” Jongho responds. “Here, drink.” He pushes your water glass towards you. “So you don’t feel like shit later.”
san: on my way. 20 mins.
“Thanks for the food and drinks. For letting me be a crybaby. You know, the whole nine.” Jongho chuckles and nudges you on the arm.
“I got you, dude. You’re my bestfriend. I won’t let you go through these things alone.” 
“I guess I’ll keep you updated?”
“Take your time. And just be honest with him, alright? Be straight up about how you feel with everything.”
“I will.” 
When San arrives a bit after 20 minutes, you grab your things and bid your bestfriend farewell. You feel nervous, palms sweating the more you fiddle with your fingers and head down the steps to San’s car. Once you catch wind of him, you pause in your steps just to give yourself a tiny breather before committing and approaching his passenger door. He’s in a black shirt and sweats, glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose. 
“Hey.” You say as you climb in, San giving you a small smile.
“Hey. You good to go?” You buckle your seatbelt and nod, allowing San to drive off to your studio. “Did you work at the shop today?”
“Mhm, I worked an earlier shift to get off at the same time as Jongho.”
“You guys just hung out?”
“Yep. Drank, ate some food. Talked about some things.”
“Some things?”
“You.” You give him a look and he nods.
“Fair enough.”
“What have you been up to?”
“Work. I’ve been working from home lately since there isn’t much requiring me to come into the office.”
“Been busy?”
“Yup, but I’ve seen worse days.” 
“I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize.” He lets out a small chuckle as he continues to drive on. The rest of the drive to your place is quiet, but nothing feels weird or awkward. It’s surprisingly a comfortable silence and it’s probably due to the fact that you two have missed each other even though you’re both still trying to gather your thoughts.
When he pulls up into a spot on the street, San shuts off the car and immediately runs to your side to help you out. He follows behind as you lead the way, quietly unlocking your door and tossing the keys off to the side. San sits on your couch and lets out a sigh, watching as you plop next to him after grabbing some water.
“Want anything else to drink?”
“I’m okay.” He gives you a small smile. You turn to face him, a leg tucked under the other that’s swung over the edge of the couch.
“Thanks for picking me up.”
“Of course.”
“Can we talk about what’s been happening? I just really need you to be honest with me, that’s all I ask.”
“I’ll always be honest with you, Y/N. It was never my intention to make it seem otherwise.”
“Well, after everything, I did feel pretty stupid. You knew I was already doubting myself after I lost my family and friends because of my decisions. For a second, I felt like you tricked me and that I was stupid not to realize you only wanted me for one thing.” San shakes his head, but he continues to let you talk. “I started questioning myself more and I hated the feeling. I knew I couldn’t be enough for you, or that I was completely different from girls in your past. And it felt terrible. I couldn’t help but jump to conclusions that night because who am I compared to her? I’m living such a different life and I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you realized that.” You shrug. “Anyway, I felt shitty because I genuinely had feelings for you even though I was scared. I still am, especially because I don’t know if this is just a phase or what.” You feel the tears pricking your bottom lids again but you do your best to prevent San from catching on. You look down at your hands, fiddling with your sweater sleeves. You feel San shift closer to you, his hand coming up to your cheek.
“Can you look at me please?” Your eyes shift back up to him, and you feel the butterflies in your stomach the moment you two lock eyes. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” He says softly, his thumb caressing your cheek. “I really didn’t mean to. That whole thing Noelle—” He sighs. “I’m not gonna lie, it’s been a ride with her. But meeting you and getting to know you made me realize how much I didn’t wanna be stuck in that anymore. It made me realize how much I craved normalcy with someone, something that doesn’t have to be so sad and toxic all the damn time.” He lets out a breath. “I know it sounds dumb that it took me all of this to realize, but I mean it. You make me feel things I haven’t felt in such a long time. It feels good.” He does a subtle nod. “I feel happy and good around you.”
“San, you just scare me.” A few tears stream down your cheeks and San is the first to catch them; gently wiping it away while he keeps his eyes locked onto yours. “Our lives are so different, I can’t help but worry about how this is gonna make things turn out in the future. Your family, your friends—”
“My friends are fine, they know how I feel about you. And my family knows they can’t dictate everything about my life. You—” He pauses. “Y/N, you aren’t any different just because of what you do. What matters is the kind of person you are, how you genuinely make me feel. None of that matters.”
“You know it isn’t gonna be that easy.”
“So be it. I know you’re scared, but I’m with you on this.” He runs his other thumb across your lip. “We can figure this out, okay? We can take this slow and figure it out together. I’ll stop heading to the club with the guys and be there for you in many other ways. Just know that I’m gonna support you no matter what, I’m not like everyone else. Fuck all of them.” He gives you a small, reassuring smile. “I’m sorry.” He repeats. You can’t help but lean into his hand and let out a shaky breath, kissing the palm of his hand before returning your gaze on him. His smile grows, making him plant an eager kiss on your forehead, to the tip of your nose.
Lips.
“Are we okay?” He whispers against your lips and you nod. “Can I have you then?” He whispers against your lips in between another kiss. “Make it up to you?” Another kiss. “Show you how I really feel?” You nod, giving San leverage to scoop you into his arms and carry you to your bed. He gently lays you down and is quick to shed off your clothes, admiring every inch of you. San tosses his glasses onto your nightstand before placing random trails of kisses along your body, kissing every scar, every curve, every tattoo; everything about you still continues to drive him crazy. Today, San takes his time. Though he’s eager to show you how you make him feel, he decides he’s gonna take his time with you. 
Even when he laps at your pussy, your clit, making you cum within minutes of being positioned in between your thighs.
Even when he rocks his hips into you— it’s a slow and steady pace, enough to make you feel every inch of him.
Even when he sits back onto his knees, letting you ride him.
His hands run up your sides while your hands are tangled in his hair, rolling your hips against him steadily, slowly, letting him feel every inch of you. He moans against your neck before placing wet kisses on the surface, hands now gripping tighter as he feels himself nearing his high. Everything is so intimate, so raw, so close— San can’t keep his lips off of you and hearing your moans bounce off of the walls adds to the pleasure. Your clit is rubbing deliciously against him, causing you to bite onto his bottom lip before tilting your head back in pleasure.
“Gonna cum, baby.” He groans in between open-mouthed kisses. “Be my good girl and cum with me.” You furrow your brows in pleasure, hands gripping his jaw as you continue to deeply kiss him, your climax heightening at your gut.
“Sannie.” You whine, unable to form any thoughts.
“You know how to fuck me so well. You’re perfect.” He hisses, the pleasure almost feeling too intense with how much he’s having to hold back. You start to rock your hips at a messier pace when you feel yourself climbing, moan loudly and gripping the ends of San’s hair when you finally come undone. He almost whines when he feels you twitch against him, hissing at how good you feel wrapped around him. San quickly lays you back and pounds into you, releasing his seed and painting your walls white. 
The both of you stay stationary for a second, panting and regulating your breathing once you’ve come back down from cloud nine. San brushes the hair away from your face and adoringly looks into your eyes, placing a kiss on your lips before slowly sliding himself out of you.
“Let’s get cleaned up.” He jogs over to your bathroom and turns on the shower, waiting for the water to reach a perfect temperature before grabbing you. 
While in the shower, San makes sure to lather your body with soap, giving your back and shoulders a good massage before rinsing off. You follow suit, giggling when you plop a few bubbles on his nose and cheeks. The best thing about the shower is that San doesn’t pressure you for more, no. He showers you with kisses, surely showing you just exactly what you mean to him through the action alone.
After the shower, you climb into bed with San, letting him take you into his arms while you turn on some music to softly fill the background. He gently strokes your hair, and hums along, keeping you close in his warm embrace.
“San.”
“Yeah?”
“You know what I want to do in the future?”
“What’s that?”
“I wanna own my own dance studio and teach. Help people grow their confidence and embrace their sexiness.” San chuckles. “You know? People get shy about these things or hide because they feel like they can’t dance or be sexy.”
“You’d be an amazing teacher for that.” You giggle.
“Hopefully one day.”
“We’ll make it happen. No matter how long it takes, hm?” He hums. “I got you.” You look up at San and stare at the galaxies he holds in those beautiful, brown orbs. What you did to deserve someone like San, you’ll never know— but you’ll take it as a gift from the universe; a gift that shows how proud the universe is of you for never giving up and for staying true to yourself.
For once, everything feels right. Everything seems to be where it should be. Everything in your life, as it is now, is what’s meant to be. And out of all the changes the universe has brought you, you’re at least thankful for this; for that moment San walked into the club, for the moment you took the first leap.
“You got me?” You tease and he nods.
“I got you.”
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▹ taglist: @itsvxlentine @vantediary @certifiedmoa @asjkdk @bintificreads @frobin4ever @persphonesorchid
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bro-atz · 1 month
Text
prelude in e minor
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in which: your brain tells you to focus on your education, but your heart tells you to focus on professor choi.
pair: professor!san/afab!reader
word count: 4.7k
content: angst, smut, teacher x student relationship (college level, so it's completely legal mind you), san is a cellist, themes of infidelity, soft and sensual, completely consensual!
rated: R | nsfw — minors do not interact
author's note: ...yes, i know, i write a lot of san angst/smut let's move on... also, i don't recommend listening to the song that inspired the title if you don't wanna cry but if you do, listen to the cello ver
network: @cromernet
taglist: @k-hotchoisan @eyeryis @sinnarols @aaasia111 @sunshineangel-reads @hwallazia @dazzlingstarrs @dutchessskarma @yourlocaljonghoe apply for the permanent taglist here! professor!series: yunho pt. 1, yunho pt. 2, san pt. 1, san pt. 2, yeosang, seonghwa
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He seemed too young to be a professor. It could’ve been because he aged beautifully or something along those lines, but he looked too young to be a professor. That was the only logical explanation you could come with as you gazed fondly at the professor you had come to appreciate greatly.
“Good morning, Y/N,” he greeted.
“Good morning, S— I mean Professor Choi,” you caught yourself before you could address him in the professional manner that he hated.
“Still waking up there?” he asked with a chuckle.
“Yeah…”
“That’s alright. I am too.”
He gave you a small smile that made you want to rip your heart out and hand it to him on a silver platter. You had to slap your cheeks to get it together, making the man laugh at your actions— he thought you were trying to wake up, but in reality, you were trying to slap the improper thoughts in your mind.
The thing was Professor Choi San was more than a music teacher— he was an artist. He created beautiful melodies that entranced you. At first, you thought it was the melodies you were falling in love with, but as you paid close attention to him— you had to because how else were you going to learn?— you started to note the little things like the way his well manicured fingers nimbly glided along the strings, the way his hands danced as he drew the bow across, and the way he was so focused on the gorgeous piece of wood between his legs.
Those little things piled on. During your one-on-one lessons with him, you couldn’t help but admire the way a couple strands of his hair would fall over his forehead. You wanted so badly to trace your finger over the constellation of moles on his cheek and neck, and God, you’d do anything to feel his fingers press into you as they explored the exposed parts of your body.
You slapped your face again, startling the man who was busy tuning his cello.
“D-do you need coffee or something, Y/N?” he asked with a look of shock on his face.
“Ah! No, I’m fine. I’m good now,” you declined.
“Alright. Let’s begin.”
The second you laid your eyes on your sheet music, all the dirty thoughts you had swarming your brain about Professor Choi vanished, and you were focused. Your heart may have wanted the professor, but your brain always made you fixate on your degree. Work first, love second.
“Okay, that was a solid run,” he said with a proud beam on his face. “There’s some sections we could clean up… Can you start at the fermata and end at cut time?”
You nodded and did as he asked, your fingers working effortlessly during the first couple of measures, then you struggled slightly when you got to the run. It was only the run that got you, honestly, because the section after was solid, but after fucking up the run, you messed up the rest of it.
“That gliss is not fun,” your professor noted after you muddled through the rest of that section. “Start slowly. Get the fingerings down for it first.”
That was the issue. You weren’t used to the key signature of the piece, and you had marked up the notes that were in the run, but that simply wasn’t enough. You worked through the notes slowly, but you still kept messing up here and there. Sighing deeply after messing up the run for the nth times, you lowered your bow and cracked your neck, hoping that making yourself less stiff would help.
“Here,” Professor Choi finally spoke up after watching you struggle for what felt like an eternity. He set his cello in its stand and walked over to you, your breath hitching at the sight of him approaching you. “Let’s go over the notes together.” 
Your mind was scrambling and your heart was racing when you felt San’s arms wrap around you, one hand over yours on your bow and the other one matching the placement of your fingers. You thought you were going to lose your damn mind especially when you got a good whiff of his cologne, but when you focused on the pages in front of you, your mind returned to work mode.
He ran through the notes painfully slowly with you, his warm touch turning hot and starting to burn a hole through your skin, but you were so hyper-fixated on the run that you didn’t realize how your body was reacting to him. Finally, Professor Choi let go of you, but he stood right behind you as you went through the run all on your own, this time acing it.
“Oh my God,” you turned around and looked at him happily, your eyes sparkling. “I thought it was going to take longer for me to get that!”
“You’re a fast learner, Y/N. Be more confident in yourself,” the professor responded, his body still right behind you.
You gave him a quick nod and turned back in your seat so you could play the run over and over again, your fingers dancing on the strings as you mastered something new today.
Professor Choi returned to his seat, his cello immediately going between his legs before he could even sit properly. He sat and watched as you went through the entire section perfectly. He was in trance until you called his name and asked for the next section.
Those moments when the professor physically helped you learn the sections you were messing up were the moments you lived for. Sometimes, you considered intentionally failing a section just so you could have him near you because you knew that you could never be with him. He was your professor, and that’s all he was ever going to be. And the other thing was that he had that gold band wrapped around his ring finger. It was never going to happen. You just had to settle for these small, stolen moments.
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Usually, you were good. Hell, you were fucking amazing and talented; after all, if you weren’t, you never would’ve been accepted into your esteemed college of music. However, you were all sorts of off during this solo lesson.
Why? Because of that man. He always wore a three piece suit that always reminded you of dark academia fashion— he apparently had no idea what that was— but today, he took the jacket and the vest off. The sleeves to his button up were rolled up, exposing his thick, sturdy forearms, and his biceps bulged as he held his cello in place. God dammit, how on earth was his suit jacket able to hide Professor Choi’s insane build?
And so, you were distracted as fuck, and you kept messing up— well, it was a combination of him and the sheet music you were sight reading when you were supposed to have practiced it before the lesson.
“Again,” your professor said, his low voice interrupting the pathetic, quivering notes of your cello.
Professor Choi was a patient man, but you had messed up so many times that you could see the frustration on his face, his eyebrows getting more furrowed by the second.
You took a deep breath and started again, your eyes fixated on the notes on the sheet. You were doing a solid job until you looked up at Professor Choi during one of the rests and saw him standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Your rest went on for too long, and you fumbled trying to get back into the song, only for the notes to come out wrong and really wrong.
“Stop,” he said, startling you so much that you nearly dropped your bow. He took his glasses off— fuck, he looked so good even with his glasses off— and rubbed his temples before sighing and putting them back on.
His eyes met yours, and the second you made eye contact, you noticed the tiny little mole above his eye, your gaze softening as you admired it. “Hey,” he snapped you out of your trance. “Look at me.”
You did as he asked, and your heart skipped several beats. You had never seen this look on his face before, this look of concern with his lips nearly pouting, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes sharp. You could barely breathe normally as he approached you and knelt by your chair.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, his voice a lot softer from the strict tone it was at earlier, making your heart pound faster than the vivace tempo on your sheet music.
Yes. I need you to wear your goddamn jacket before I lose my fucking mind.
“No, Mr. Choi, I’m fine” you replied, your voice nearly cracking and exposing your lie because you were not fine. However, you didn’t have to lie as you continued, “I just didn’t prepare for the piece today. I’m sight-reading it right now.”
“It’s not the piece, Y/N. You’re excellent at sight-reading.” Professor Choi clearly didn’t buy it, a knowing glint shining in his narrowed eyes. “You seem to be distracted. What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing. I’m fine. I’m just tired, is all.”
“These early morning lessons must be getting to you,” he mumbled, finally letting you off the hook. “We’ll switch your timings to the evening, is that okay?”
“Yes, thank you.”
Truth be told, you liked the early morning lessons because it allowed you to have the rest of the day to yourself. But, you also didn’t mind the evening lessons, because that meant your lesson could go over time if needed.
“You know,” Professor Choi spoke softly, nearly making you jump as you didn’t realize he was still by your chair. He placed his hand on your knee and said, “You can always come to me if something is troubling you.”
“I know…”
“Good. Okay, let’s just stop here for today. Next week, we’ll meet in the evenings, okay?”
“Okay,” you felt like you could finally breathe the second he got up and walked to his chair across from yours, the knot in your stomach untangling.
“And be sure to have that sheet music perfected.”
Fuck.
“Okay.”
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Next week had yet to come, and you were all sorts of antsy in the days leading up. It was just your normal lesson with the same professor, but at least with a morning lesson you were so drained from the night before that it made it easier to focus on lessons instead of fawning over Professor Choi.
You were wandering around campus as you waited for your friends to get out of class— your class ended well before theirs, so you always had time to kill. You decided to head to the campus coffee shop and look over the sheet music for your lesson when you spotted him.
Immediately, your heart tightened. You knew about the gold band, you remember staring at the gold band and thinking how nice it would be if you had a matching one, but you completely forgot that there was a person who had the actual matching ring, and she was standing right next to him.
The woman was beautiful with long, dark, flowing hair that cascaded down her shoulders and back, her looks completely complimenting her husband’s. And then, hugging his waist as he supported her, you saw his daughter, a beautiful blend of both him and his wife.
You knew he had a family. You knew it, but that didn’t stop your heart from weeping. Rather than continuing to wait for your friend, you rushed back to your dorm, and you shut yourself in before leaning against the door and sinking to the ground.
You had no reason to cry. You shouldn’t have fallen for the professor in the first place, and this was the price you had to pay. You should’ve listened to logic, listened to your brain over your heart, and none of this would’ve been happening.
You couldn’t focus on anything at all— it was to the point where you literally just sobbed over your sheet music, your tears staining the pages of the perfectly preserved original sheet. So, you spent the rest of that week throwing yourself a pity party. The image of him, his wife, and his child burned into your eyes and brain, and every time you thought about it, it made you cry all over again.
Why did you have to go fall in love with a married man?
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Thankfully, your eyes were not red when you met with Professor Choi for your evening lesson, but your heart still hurt, and your brain was all fuzzy. Worst of all, you didn’t perfect the sheet music as he had asked. Perfect.
You played a grand total of six notes before Professor Choi stopped you.
“Stop lying to me. Clearly, something’s up with you,” he sounded irritated, but his tone was soft, as if he was frustrated not by you, but because of lack of understanding. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
God, you hated when people asked you that. No matter what the circumstance was, the words “Are you okay?” always made you cry. Your eyelashes fluttered as you looked down at your lap in attempt to keep the tears inside without making it clear to him that you were about to start crying just as you had been for the past several days.
But he noticed anyway. He quickly placed his cello on his stand before crossing the room and sitting right next to you. He gently took your cello and bow out of your hands, allowing you to just bury your face in the palms of your hands.
“Hey, talk to me,” he said softly. His hands pulled yours away from your face. He held one of your hands while quickly wiping the tears from the corner of your eye with the other, his eyes filled with worry. “You can trust me.”
“I’m just having trouble coming to terms with some things in my life,” you told him, intentionally being vague to protect your feelings. “I haven’t been able to focus all weekend because of it.”
“Do you want to talk about—”
“No,” you refused before he could even finish his sentence.
“I think talking it through would be help—”
You cut him off again by saying somewhat harshly, “I can’t and won’t talk about it with you.”
You shakily exhaled heavily, tears still filling your vision. You got up and tried to get your things and leave, but Professor Choi wasn’t done with you yet. He got up as well and grabbed your arm, turning you around to face him. He had a firm grip on you, but he made sure not to hurt you— he just didn’t want you to run away.
“What do you mean?” he asked you, his voice full of hurt. “Why can’t you talk to me about it?”
You kept quiet and avoided eye contact. You just wanted to get out of there and get away from him before you completely broke down. Yet, you couldn’t because he had both your arms pinned on either side of you, his firm hold on you making it impossible to get away from him.
“It’s because of me, right?”
You pressed your lips together and gave up. You gave up trying to get away, trying to not cry, and trying to deny your feelings. You responded with a tiny nod. Professor Choi let go of you immediately, a sudden realization dawning on him.
“God, uh, Y/N… I’m so sorry— I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that. You must be so uncomfortable… No wonder you’re acting like this. I— I thought I was careful in hiding my feelings, but you must’ve realized it… Shit, Y/N, seriously, I’m so sorry.”
His feelings? What? Your eyes dried up immediately and flew wide open, and your brain went from crying to just pure confusion. There were about a million questions you wanted to ask him, but there was only one you could squeak out.
“What?”
“You’re uncomfortable because I have feelings for you, right?”
He… He what? He has feelings for you? He has feelings for you?
“I didn’t… I didn’t know…”
“Then… Why…?”
“Because I’m in love with you, Pro— No, San,” you said his name for the first time out loud.
San exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair. He, too, had a million questions on his mind, but before he could utter any of them, you continued.
“But… I shouldn’t be. It’s wrong, and you’re already—”
“Don’t,” San covered your mouth with his hand. “Don’t say it’s wrong. Don’t say what we both feel is wrong.”
And with that, San moved his hand to your cheek, and he guided you to his embrace. He wrapped an arm around your waist and cupped your face as he gave you a tender kiss charged with all of the feelings he had for you right there in the practice room. You clutched the collar of his shirt as you pushed yourself further into his kiss, his embrace reciprocating by pulling you closer to him.
Everything was a blur after that. The two of you packed up your instruments and left campus quickly, only to end up at a hotel, your shoes flying off the second you entered the room. San was impatient the second you got into the room, but he didn’t rush a single thing. His kisses may have been intense, but in the same breath, they were gentle and kind. He hugged you while still kissing you and brought you to the hotel bed so that he could pin you down, his lips unable to get enough of yours.
He kept sighing your name, his husky voice making you yearn for him more, making you lust for him more. You slipped his tie off and tossed it somewhere quickly so you could start to work on his buttons. San groaned as he felt your fingers graze and move down his exposed chest, your hand going further as you continued unbuttoning. When there were no more buttons left for you, your hand cupped his clothed cock, the huge bulge aching to spring forward. You heard a hitch in San’s breath as you stroked him from the outside, and when you worked on his belt, he dropped his head to the nook of your neck and let out a little laugh along with a pleasureful sigh.
“San,” you murmured as he nuzzled his nose into your neck, his lips leaving faint kisses in the process. “God, San… I want you so bad…”
“Is that so?” he responded in the same register.
He raised his head to meet your gaze, the two of you breathing heavily in unison. You gazed at his face and brought your hand to his face as you looked at the moles on his face, the moles you couldn’t help but love, the moles that you wanted to connect. You started with the one near his eye and lightly trailed your nail along his face to trace across the ones on his face then the ones on his neck. Your eyes had been following the path of your finger, so when you stopped and rested your hand on his neck, you looked to see him softly smiling, his eyes exuding affection. He kissed you again, but it was a slow kiss, a long kiss, a kiss that made shivers run from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
“I don’t think I can wait any longer,” you whispered to him when the kiss ended.
Wordlessly, San sat up, revealing just a sliver of his bare torso. He shed his dress shirt and let it fall to the ground. You stared at him in awe— he had such broad shoulders and a tiny waist, not to mention the thickness of his muscles, his entire being making you want him more and more.
The ethereal view of the stunning man didn’t last long. He moved back towards you and pulled your shirt off, then bra, then pants, then panties. His head remained down by your crotch after he stripped you bare, his finger nearing and teasing your clit while his other hand pushed your thigh upwards, your calf nearly resting on his shoulder.
“You’re even beautiful down here,” you barely heard him say, flushing your entire body with warmth and slight embarrassment.
The second you felt San’s tongue against your clit, your entire body reacted. You gripped the sheets with your fingers and toes, and your back arched, the man’s singular action enough to drive you crazy. He then sucked on your clit as he slid two fingers into your cunt, his fingers spreading inside you the deeper they went. You moaned and sighed loudly the more he catered to you down there, the pleasure starting to build up in your stomach.
As soon as he prepped you enough, San moved away from you, disappointment and slight fear seeping into your brain. He got off the bed and pulled a condom out of his wallet before removing the rest of his clothes. You saw his cock spring up, the thickness and length of it scaring you slightly. You bit your knuckle as you watched him roll it on, his hand stroking his dick slowly as he climbed back onto the bed.
San got back on the bed and knelt between your legs. He continued stroking while placing his other hand flat on your stomach. You watched as he licked his lower lip while rubbing the tip along your folds, and he bit his lower lip when he started pushing into you. He exhaled long and lowly as he fully entered you while you opted for a quiet moan. You could feel his every single movement the deeper his cock drove into you, his girth alone starting a fire in your belly.
His thrust following, however, was not as kind. He had moved his hand from your stomach to your waist, and he was gripping your waist in a way that made you have feelings of desire, a feeling you hadn't felt from another man in a while. He didn’t rut into you with his full force, which made you scared for when he did because the feeling his waist hitting yours already made your thighs sting. Plus, every time he pulled out, you felt like you could feel your walls being ripped out, making your eyes watery. You grabbed the pillow behind your head and tore holes in the pillowcase while you squeezed your teary eyes shut as San started speeding up, short, labored breaths leaving both you and the man.
You felt his hand over yours, making you open your eyes to a tear-blurred sight of San above you. His neatly styled hair was now slightly wet with sweat and shadowing his eyes, and you could see him gritting his teeth as he looked at you with narrowed, lusty eyes. His hands moved to lace his fingers with yours. A tiny bubble of his perspiration rolled down his nose and dropped to your cheek, the heat from the sweat making the blush on your cheeks deepen.
“You…” San sighed as he continued rolling his body into yours. “You’re so beautiful… Exactly how I imagined you would look— Hnngh— under me…”
“San— Ah!” You wanted to respond to him, but he finally used the entirety of his strength to ram his cock deep inside you, the action completely taking you by surprise. You flung your head back and cried his name loudly as he relentlessly thrust into you.
White filled your vision when you felt him hit your cervix, and you could only continue to see white as he leaned further into you, making your back leave the bed and his cock rut into you at a different angle. You came hard, your walls clenching, your fingers squeezing his, your tears escaping your eyes, your arousal squirting out of you.
You thought he would cum, that the experience would be over, but San wasn’t about to let this moment end so fast— he only had the one condom, and he wanted to fuck you longer, harder. He grabbed your waist and lifted you so that he was sitting on the bed and you were sitting on his lap, his cock still inside you and somehow filling you up more than it had when he had you splayed on the bed.
His hands guided you. They went under your ass, and he did most of the heavy lifting for you were still recovering from your first orgasm of the night. You held onto his shoulders and looked down at his face as he looked up at you, the two of you sharing your thoughts wordlessly. You brought your lips to his and let his tongue violate yours. Your hips moved slightly, your body rolling into his as he continued to assist you riding him.
You pushed San’s shoulders back, making him lay on the bed and you on his chest. His hips were still moving, still going, still ramming into yours, and his large hands were holding, groping, squeezing your ass. You, meanwhile, started leaving kisses on his beautiful, olive toned skin. Your hands wandered over his chest, your fingers running over his nipples and making his breath hitch. He groaned deeply and spread your asscheeks as he moved your waist forcefully, his hips continuing to ram his cock into you from below.
“S-San,” you whimpered as you started to see stars cloud your vision. “I’m a-almost—”
San brought one of his hands up to hold the back of your head and bring your face to his so he could kiss you as the two of you came. You moaned and cried softly into his mouth as you felt a deep sigh rumble in his chest. Your pussy and his cock both twitched and throbbed, and when he pulled out, you felt as though you were empty, that you needed him to be inside you to make you whole again.
You wanted to tell him to fuck you again, but before you could, he got off the bed. He helped you to your feet and said quietly, “Go take a shower first.”
There was something ominous about the way he said that, but you listened to him regardless. He showered shortly after you finished yours, and while you were sitting on the bed trying to situate yourself, he emerged fully clothed, a dark look painting his face.
“Y/N,” he said, his tone curt but sorrowful. “We can never do this again.”
“W-What?”
“I made a mistake… I’m sorry. You can stay here tonight since the room is paid for, but make sure you check out in the morning.”
San tried to turn to leave, but you grabbed his arm before he could even take one step towards the door.
“What do you mean? You’re the one who told me not to say this was wrong, so why are you all of a sudden changing your mind?!” you didn’t want to yell at him, but you felt so wronged that you couldn’t help it.
He removed his hand from your arm and looked at you, the affection in his eyes now fully replaced by disappointment and regret.
“I know… I did say that. But, Y/N, I shouldn’t have… It was my mistake, and I don’t want to make it again.”
San turned to leave again, but you hugged him from behind, making him stop in his tracks. You buried your face into his broad back and started crying, your tears staining the fabric of his dress shirt. “I love you, San! I love you, so please don’t do this to me,” you sniffled. 
He remained motionless in your embrace, slightly defeated. But, he managed to wriggle out of your arms as he said. “I love you, too; but I also love my family, and I shouldn’t have done this to them. I’m sorry, Y/N. We never should’ve done this.”
The words rang in your ears long after San had left the room. You buried your face in your hands and bawled your eyes out as regret filled your body.
He was right. You never should’ve done it. At least your heart wouldn’t have completely shattered if you didn’t.
554 notes · View notes
cheollipop · 3 months
Text
⚜ 𝙤𝙗𝙨𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣
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navi | taglist
pairing: choi san x fem!reader
w.c.: 6.5k
genre: mafia au, smut, mutual pining, some fluff, tiny bit of angst, some dark themes, slightly ambiguous ending
In a city where the mere whisper of his name sent shivers of terror through its core, Choi San's barbarous reputation proved powerless to dissuade you from delving deeper, the glint in the feline eyes cast upon you exposing a sliver tenderness hidden beneath the façade of bloodlust.
⚜ warnings: mentioned death/murder (no one significant), insensitivity from all major characters to said murder, san is lowkey psychotic, and an asshole, reader is a badass bitch, gun play (kinda?), service/soft dom!san, bratty!reader, unprotected sex (👎), kinda public sex, exhibitionism, mutual masturbation, creampie, begging, praise, some cockwarming, san gets whiny, he is whipped your honour, not your typical mafia boss ehehe, nicknames (baby, darling; sannie), I believe that's it. ^^
⚜ A/N: this is entirely self-indulgent. who doesn't want a psychotic mafia boss obsessing over their very being? happy reading! ^_^
nsfw under the cut—minors dni 🔞
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Another day dragging on for far too long, tedious — incompetent employees getting paid to induce headaches rather than doing their jobs, new clients unaware of who they’d gotten themselves involved with, augmenting the torturous panging against San’s skull. His eyebrow twitched, a bead of sweat hanging onto the thick hairs, another trailing down the ink decorating his slick chest. He’d thought a late-night rendezvous would silence the ringing in his head, but the cheap perfume, the bright lipstick, the obnoxious, high-pitched tone of her voice only amplified it. And yet, the woman now laid beneath him, his fingers digging into one of her tits while pornographic moans rolled off her tongue. With her head thrown back, she missed the grimace painting San’s features, but his hips were undeterred, continuing their ruthless rhythm while her ringing voice pierced through his eardrums. He just needed release, even if it were aided by a woman he had not a lick of interest in.
The door cracked open, a bleached head of hair peeking into the hotel room before his tall frame followed to stand in the doorway. San didn’t stop, simply shutting his eyes to drown out his surroundings and the pain shooting through his head.
“We’ve got trouble, boss,” the gravelly tone dragged San’s attention away from the distractions he attempted to draw up in his mind, eyes cracking open with an irked exhale.
“Important enough for you to interrupt me?” he spat, his thrusts now pointed in aggravation.
The man’s gulp masked under the continuous moans, he averted his gaze off the woman’s spread legs to explain, “a fight broke out in our Seoul location.”
San’s rhythm faltered, an unnoticeable hitch, but enough to stir up images of a familiar face, sly grin and confident walk followed by the sweet scent of vanilla and cheap tobacco. A subtle wink as you replaced the drinks his men had ordered for him with ones that would spare him the added flush, ears and chest tinted a dusty pink while he fought off the heaviness weighing down his eyelids. Sultry voice and swaying hips, the memory of fleeting touches and fluttering eyelashes sent urgent waves of heat scorching through San’s body, unwanted, vivid images of your haunting form flashing in his mind before he could stop them. But he pushed them away, prominent vein trailing down his forehead as he fought off the unrelieved headache, slapping a palm over smudged, red-tinted lips to muffle the agitating sound.
“Is that all, Mingi-ya?” he moved his gaze to the man at his side without twisting his head, watching as he straightened up at the sudden eye-contact.
“We’ve got casualties, Sir,” Mingi added, drawing a frustrated sigh out of San.
Pistoning his hips once, twice more, he pulled out, swiping his saliva-coated palm over the woman’s trembling thigh before finding his footing over the carpeted floor. He tossed the condom into some random corner, tucking himself back into his pants before snatching the luxury coat dangling from Mingi’s hand, the taller man’s eyes flitting to the side to avoid ogling at all the exposed skin. Just as they were about to take their leave, manicured fingers grasped San’s sleeve, arms drawn closer to her body to cram her breasts together in an act of seduction, bedroom eyes peering up at the tattooed man.
“Are you just going to leave me here like this?”
San didn’t hide his grimace, “it’s late, go home,” he retrieved his coat, tugging his arm away rougher than intended to make his way to the room’s exit. He paused at the doorway, turning his head slightly to address the dejected woman abandoned on the lush, silk bedsheets, “and call your husband back, he must be worried sick.”
He didn’t wait for a response, walking into the hallway to meet with two more guards, Mingi following closely behind. “Jongho, you’re coming with me,” he addressed the broader of the two, then turned to the other, “and you,” he angled his chin towards the door left ajar, “get rid of her.”
--
Walking past the swung-open door resting against the frame with broken hinges, glass shards cracking underneath heavyset boots, San took in the scattered bodies splayed out over the wooden floor. He grimaced, thousands of dollars’ worth of imported liquor pooling under shattered bottles, blending into a concoction reeking of alcohol poisoning. Bullets lodged into the polished bar reflected the orange hue in which the room basked in, stools broken and thrown into the walls and windows, splintered pieces of wood lying amongst the lifeless figures scattered over the floorboards.
“What a mess,” Mingi muttered, taking in the scene with repugnance unhidden in his expression.
“Looks exactly like something the both of you would do,” San’s retort was instant, “wasn’t it just last week, Jongho?”
His tone was void of any judgement, simply recalling his men’s afternoon endeavors, and yet, Jongho’s ears flashed red as he stuttered through a flustered response, reaffirming San’s memory of the incident. His eyes shot a glare up at the taller man as soon as San looked away, “just keep your mouth shut, Mingi-ya,” he elbowed his side, unappreciative of Mingi’s attempts at earning him another lecture about the improper use of his gun.
While the two bickered wordlessly, pinching and shoving the other’s side, San walked further into the bar, looking around for another sign of life while gnawing at his bottom lip, evidence of his night-long rendezvous trickling down his temples in salty beads of sweat.
“Where’s our staff?” his voice cut through the silence, as well as the guards’ banter, the two straightening up to address his inquiry.
“Changbin called it in, ‘said most were okay but a few got caught in the crossfire,” Mingi spoke, tone steady and hooded eyes focused on San, “they’ve all left already, I believe.”
“You believe?” Narrowing his eyes at the two men, he snarled before huffing in umbrage. “I don’t pay you to fucking believe.” It wasn’t Mingi’s doing, he knew, but he’d rather berate the two men before him than admit to the anxiety crawling up his chest, blocking his airway with a lump large enough to restrict his breathing. “Did he say anything about—” he attempted to maintain the resonance in which he spoke in, clearing his throat before proceeding, “what about—”
“—Looking for me?”
A sharp turn to his side was all it took to ease the tension stiffening his shoulders, a deep breath escaping his lungs when his eyes settled on you: hand on your hip while leaning you weight onto one leg, the corners of your glossy lips upturned into a smile that sent his heart racing.
“Y/n,” he sighed, rotating his body to face yours, arms limp at his sides while his features softened at the mere sight of you before him. Choi San with his guard down was a luxury not many could revel in.
“What’s with your face? Don’t tell me you were worried about me?” you teased, swaying your hips as you took a few steps towards his broad form, only a few inches separating your bodies where you were stood now.
Close enough to run a hand over the hair covering the side of your head, San’s lips curled into a playful smirk, “oh baby, I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
You hummed pleasantly at the gentle fingers gliding over your scalp, teeth digging into your bottom lip before releasing to purr back a response, “very much so.”
The aroma of cheap cigarettes followed you, laced with hints of vanilla and caramel, the specs of ash dusting the sunken collar of your top exposing the smoke break you’d taken while chaos unfolded during your late shift.
The bullets lodged into wood glimmered in his peripheral, and his amusement dwindled as he pushed through the intoxicating haze your proximity cast upon his senses. Eyebrows furrowed, his gaze traveled over your body while firm hands ran over your sides and waist, peering over your shoulder and twisting you in front of him while he questioned, “fuck, are you hurt?”
To his surprise, you exhaled a breathy laugh, mischief glinting in your irises, “hurt?” The coyness in your tone didn’t go unnoticed, but the arm reaching behind you did, and before he could react, you had San at your mercy with the nose of your pistol dug into the skin underneath his chin. Leaning further into his space, your lips stretched further at the raised hand stopping the two men at the door from reaching for their own weapons. You tilted your head while addressing him, faux innocence painting your features, “who do you think finally killed that bastard while the men you hired were too busy shitting their pants?”
His eyes followed yours to his right, the bastard in question sprawled out near the entrance with a bullet rooted between his eyebrows. Even with the pistol firmly boring into his skin, the corners of San’s lips quirked upwards, redirecting his focus to take you in with dazed, unreadable eyes. “Oh, darling,” rough, broken knuckles grazed your jaw, his lips widening as you unconsciously leaned into the touch, “just when I thought I couldn’t want you more.”
Eyebrows shooting up — the first hint of surprise flashing over your features — a blend of amusement and curiosity seeped into your expression, “oh?”
He walked you backwards, guiding you with the pistol pressing an indent into his flesh and a hand spreading warmth over your lower back, stopping his pointed steps once the wooden edge of the bar replaced the heated touch. He towered over you, leaning you back slightly over the glossy surface with lidded eyes studying your unchanging expression, the tip of his pointer tracing a languid line down the side of your face. Despite the gruesome scene surrounding you, and the firmness in which you held onto the pistol’s handle, your features were relaxed, easy smile gracing your lips and head tilted slightly in a discrete attempt to chase the gentle gesture. Choi San was not gentle, but one thing he did was make exceptions, unconcealable tenderness breaking through a rigid exterior to bleed into his calloused touch, to glimmer within narrowed eyes, and shape the honeyed words rolling off his otherwise sharp tongue.
Choi San didn’t make exceptions, scratch that. He made an exception.
To say he had been intrigued by you would be an understatement, years passing with him making time to drop by when he rarely ever needed to, making excuses to conceal his interest in a particular bartender who knew about his low-tolerance — classified information only a select few knew of —sneaking non-alcoholic beverages his way when he got pressured into drinking after a successful deal had been made in her presence. And despite the confidence oozing off you, shoulders straight and chin lifted as you batted your eyelashes flirtatiously at various customers, San noted the tremors shaking your fingers, the wary eyes darting in each direction while the men you worked with grazed against you while passing by, and those slurring their words drunkenly calling out to you from their booths. He noticed the tension in your shoulders even as the years went by, and regulars became familiar, their orders sliding across the bar seconds after they’d found an empty seat, before a greeting could slip out their smiling lips, pleased to be served by you once again. You knew the respect this façade had brought upon you, and yet your eyes remained sharp, solid walls built up behind the sultry smiles you handed these desperate men on a gold platter. And in the restless fight to break them down, San found himself too deep into a pit he could no longer pick himself up from. A pit brimming with burning want, a yearning so fervid, it ate at him from the inside out the more he pushed it away, cheap whores and endless mistresses futile in their attempts to simmer it down.
But now, the woman he so desperately wanted to break down between rough palms was trapped between his firm chest and the bar, still holding him at gunpoint while her free arm wrapped around his shoulder. It felt like hours, the steady ticking of the vintage clock hung on the bullet-riddled wall fading the deeper San peered into your eyes, looking up at him through curled eyelashes as the longer hand continued its clicking. Playfulness glimmered in your irises the longer San dragged his silence, as though he had no intention of building on his prior statement.
“What’s this about the great Choi San wanting me?”
Your tone indicated a challenge, a ‘how will he avert the situation to his advantage this time?’ while you kept your eyes on him, fingers tangling into the short hair at his nape to watch his eyelids droop even further at the pleasant stimulation. And perhaps what he needed was a pistol threatening to blow through his brain, realizing — after a chase lasting too many years — that he was tired of the endless back and forth, tired of the eager hands brushing over your body while he sipped on some fizzy beverage you’d handed him, watching as you basked under others’ attention, his own bullheadedness and pride pushing him further away from you when all he wanted to do was break every audacious finger that dared touch your skin in his presence.
Leaning closer, until his hot breath mingled with yours in the negligible gap he’d left between your faces, his hand curved over your jaw, thumb caressing the skin of your cheek, “baby, I’d give you the whole world if you’d just ask.”
The sudden confession surprised you, eyebrows flying up and jaw slackening under his touch, but you swiftly picked yourself up, a pleased smile stretching your lips as you bumped noses with him, “Mm, I’ll hold you up to that, Mr. Choi.”
Unlike the gradually deepening kisses shared in romance novels, teeth clanged and tongues pushed against one another, San’s hand travelling down your side to grab at your thigh until your feet lifted off the wooden floorboards. He set you down on the bar, fingers digging into the washed-out denim gathered at your hips while his teeth nipped at your bottom lip. Placing the pistol somewhere to your side, your hands wandered down San’s sculpted body and over the expanse of honey skin peeking through his open coat, fingertips grazing his nipples to elicit a sudden groan from the man’s lips, parting against your own. You made a mental note of his response, the corner of your mouth lifting as you repeated the action, the hungry clash of lips dwindling into interval pecks as you toyed with San’s chest, flushed and heated under your touch.
“About time you started thinking with your cock,” wrapping your legs around his frame, you dragged his pelvis closer to feel him against your core, hard and heavy within the confines of his pants.
He rolled his hips, eyes dazed as he took you in through the negligible gap separating you, breathing the same air as the friction and lust glazed over his lidded eyes. “Who said this was my cock speaking?”
Fingers pausing over his chest, you took in the implication behind his words, his heartbeat frenzied and erratic against your palm as though it was communicating in its own language, desperate to be heard amongst the chaos that was your nonexistent relationship with Choi San — a game of cat and mouse, with the roles reversing each time you’d crossed paths. Playful banter and meaningless flirting remaining at surface level with no endpoint in sight, both players stuck in a turmoil of pridefulness and cowardice, none willing to relent.
If you’d known a cheap, rusted pistol would push San onto his knees before you, you would’ve blown a bullet through someone’s head three years ago. It wasn’t the game you wanted to win for the sake of your treasured ego, but the thrashing muscle beneath your palm, one many would assume didn’t beat, cold-heartedness and dispassionate eyes only a few could see through. And perhaps that’s what drew him to you, your willingness to look past the blood on his hands and the barbarism in which he carried out his business, your eyes sparkling in interest rather than fear as you sneaked an unknown drink into his hand, treating him like a customer you wanted to woo into becoming a regular, and not as Choi San.
The silence stretched, until San’s mutter broke through the stillness, “do you fear me?”
You blinked up at him, pondering over his question for barely a second before whispering back, “no.”
Huffing out a small laugh, he cradled your jaw in one of his palms while his thumb caressed the skin of your cheek, “that’s reckless.” Perhaps his response should have scared you, or at least sent an icy chill down your spine, but your heart only ached for the man before you as you took in his feeble, half-hearted attempt at pushing you away. Ironic, considering he’d unconsciously leaned into you while he spoke, chest brushing against yours with every breath he inhaled. “You know I can’t be trusted.”
“Not when you look at me the way you do.”
A dangerous glint sparked in the dark of his irises, burning as he silently went over your words in his mind, the few seconds’ wait stirring up butterflies in your gut as you resisted cowering under his fierce gaze. And before you could question his speechlessness, or attempt a teasing remark to lessen the rigid tension beginning to choke you, San’s face was lurching forwards to capture your lips in another kiss. Hungrier, greedier, as though he’d been starved of you — and he’d argue he was — and was finally offered a taste, teeth clashing with his nose pressed against the side of yours as he sucked out the last of the oxygen in your lungs.
Emotion flooded into San’s chest, and he allowed it to seep through into his actions, hands restless and wandering over your frame while his tongue busied itself with exploring your mouth after you’d given him access. Short, breathy moans left your lips when his fingers tucked into the denim waistband of your jeans, eliciting a desperate groan from his as he struggled to undo the button separating him from your heat. The dizzying haze San’s soft lips on yours cast upon your mind broke, his eyes closed as he chased your retreating touch when the sudden awareness of your surroundings jerked you away from him. Despite your sudden rigidness, he didn’t allow you to move too far, tucking his face into the crook of your neck to inhale the sweet scent of your perfume masking the sharpness of the three cigarettes you’d smoked earlier.
His mouth found your pulse, tongue peeking out to drag kitten licks over the delicate skin in between the gentle pecks pressed onto the column of your throat. His breath warmed the stripes of saliva he’d left behind, “what’s wrong?”
San’s mouth stretched against your skin when your button finally popped open between his fingers, his thumb and index dragging the zipper down until black lace peeked through the opening. You flinched slightly, eyes wandering to the side while a bashful flush rode up your chest.
“San we—” you cleared your throat, “what about…?”
The thumb toying with the dainty lace paused when you’d placed your hand over his, directing his gaze over his shoulder with a faint nod of your head, eyes fixed onto your denim-clad lap. The two guards stood awkwardly by the entrance — Jongho appeared to be unfazed, yet the red tinting the tips of his ears betrayed his nonchalant attitude, intermittent coughs to relieve the dryness of his throat not going unnoticed under San’s watchful gaze. Mingi, on the other hand, fidgeted uncomfortably in hopes of relieving the suffocating tightness in his ironed dress pants, shifting his weight from one leg onto the other in a futile attempt to be discrete, the heavy arousal pressing against his zipper too tricky to conceal.
Moving his attention back to you, San lifted your gaze back to his softened eyes with a finger under your chin, “don’t worry, my darling, they wouldn’t dare look at what’s mine,” the words rolled off his tongue laced with dizzying sweetness. Stealing a glance over his shoulder, you noted the averted gazes of the two men, as well as the obvious arousal bulging in the blonde’s pants. San’s finger guided your focus back onto him, “uh-uh, eyes on me.”
With a gentle grip around your wrist, he guided your hand down the toned muscle of his abdomen and over the luxury, leather belt, his hand cupping the back of yours to press it into the twitching lust tenting his pants. Your eyelashes fluttered at the rush of arousal drenching your panties, wrapping your fingers around the clothed girth to elicit a shaky exhale from the parted, plush lips mere centimeters away from yours, leaning forward to close the gap between them. No longer minding the two spectators, your low moan vibrated over San’s mouth, tongue running over his front teeth while you palmed over his hardness, his chest shuddering against yours at the friction. With an arm around your waist, San lifted your hips just enough to tug the bothersome denim off you, leaving you to kick it off while he revelled in the gentle friction you provided him.
He rolled his hips into your touch, one hand still covering yours at his crotch while the other hurriedly pulled your shirt up to your chest, followed by your bra to watch your tits spill out under the band. “Fuck, you’re such a good girl for me, aren’t you?”
You hummed, watching as he’d begun leaning down towards your exposed chest before your hand shot up from his pants to grab his jaw, watching as he confusedly looked up at you, cheeks smushed between your fingers and eyes glazed over with want.
“Mm, I bet you’d like that,” tilting your head to the side, a playful smile curving your lips as you watched him process the mocking tone he’d previously used on you — your refusal to comply bewildered him, but most of all, it sent shocks of burning arousal straight to his core.
The arm around your waist dragged you closer to the edge of the bar, his other hand raking through the hair at the side of your head, desperation leaking into his tone as he sucked in a sharp breath, “god, you’re fucking perfect.”
His pouted lips found yours in a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss, bodies colliding as his urgency and yearning revealed themselves in hungry nips and bites. You carded your fingers through the dark strands, wrapping your legs around his hips once he’d slotted himself between your thighs, heavy bulge pressed and rutting against your overwhelming heat.
Your own impatience clawed at your cracking composure, a man you’d watched from afar, unobtainable to all but those he’d handpicked himself, only to toss away the morning after. And for as long as you’d remembered, you’d hoped he’d never pick you, afraid of the lingering feelings he’d leave behind as his broad frame walked out the room, his scent permeating the sheets still covering your sweaty figure, fingers entangled into the cotton in a hasty attempt at preserving the memory of  a man you’d wanted for years, but who only wanted you for a night.
Drawing back to take him in, the dystopian scenario your mind had drew up faded into dust as said man chased your lips, feline eyes shut, eyebrows drawn in as he registered the unreturning loss of your touch. While Choi San’s warmth may very well still be torn away from you, the morning sun shining over the world while leaving you alone in the chilling shade, you wondered if the memory of the burning body heat radiating off his soft skin would accompany you during those frosty, weary days. Barely weighing your options, you pressed yourself to the man before you, dragging him impossibly closer with the legs around his waist.
If the dawn of a new day were to illuminate the shards of your shattered heart, at least the moon would have borne witness to your undoing within Choi San’s fervid embrace.
“How about you be good and fuck me already?”
Digging his teeth into his bottom lip, San allowed you to guide his hands past the lacey waistband until your sweet arousal coated his fingertips, running them through your folds to feel you throbbing against him. His response was delayed, breathy as he struggled to focus with his hand in your panties, “be patient.”
Unlike any other statement that had left his plush lips, San’s tone was lacking, the noted detail stretching the corners of your mouth. “I can feel you shaking, Sir.”
The accusation earned you a firm glare, his gaze shifting from the indents of his knuckles against the lace to the cockiness painting your features. Was it nerves, or the anticipation? You wondered if Choi San ever felt any of those emotion, let alone allowed them to translate into his body language. And yet the unsubtle trembling continued, even as the deep baritone sounded in the negligible space separating you.
“Call me by my name.”
It seemed as though your choice of nickname was more alerting to him than the implication associated with his jitters. You wondered if this was his way of showing vulnerability, and the thought of another noticing his quivering irked you, “don’t wanna.”
To your surprise, San’s eyes softened, taking your jaw into his free hand and running his thumb beneath your bottom lip, “please, baby.” He circled his middle finger around your fluttering hole before breaching it, sinking all the way inside while his eyes studied your features. Letting out a breath at the stretch, your lips parted further when San’s thumb ran along the cracking skin, tongue peeking out to run over his nailbed. The sternness in his voice vanished and subtle whines mixed into his tone, “please, ‘wanna hear you saying my name.”
He slid another finger alongside the first, curving and running them over your walls until he grazed the spongy surface he’d been seeking, noting the flutter of your eyelashes, thighs tensing around his waist before spreading to allow him further access.
“C’mon,” he urged, fingertips digging into your g-spot as he shallowly thrusted them into your cunt, studying your face for encouragement as your eyebrows drew in and soft exhales quickened in pace. His thumb pressed into your bottom lip, and he leaned forward to leave an upwards trail of wet kisses over the slope of your jaw, mumbling against the flushed skin, “say my name, baby, let me hear it.”
You were putty in San’s arms, pleasure building in your gut as he fucked his fingers into your pussy, his hand trapped behind the lace and grinding his palm into your clit, the single syllable rolling off your tongue before you could help it, an airy repetition of his name, “San, San, San—” so sweet, melodic, bucking his hips into nothing at the sound, tucking his head into the crook of your neck and groaning into your skin, deep and gravelly, before sinking his teeth into the flesh.
A high-pitched whimper followed the echoes of his name, your walls clamping up around him as a sudden orgasm rushed through you, thighs shaking and back arching, head thrown backwards as he guided you back down with slow glides against your walls and tender kisses over the bitemark he’d left as a keepsake. Just as the tension in your muscles dwindled, San’s hand retreated out of your panties, hurriedly tugging the fabric down your legs and ignoring the audible tearing at the frantic action. He interrupted the complaint at the tip of your tongue with a look, berserk and brimming with searing lust,
“I need to fuck you right now,” his breathing was heavy, rapid, fingers digging into the flesh of your hip while his free hand rid him of his belt, tossing the leather to the side before undoing his pants and leaving them to fall to his ankles. “Can I, baby? I’ll make you feel so good.”
“Yeah,” you breathed out in a whine, wrapping your fingers around his biceps after he’d shrugged off his coat, revealing the wide expanse of soft, tan skin and bulging muscle, “want that, want you.”
San’s boxers gathered around his mid-thighs before his impatience became too much to handle, wrapping his arms around you to drag your hips closer before the burning heat of your core met his leaking cock. You breathed the same air, panting into the gap separating you as San ran his length through the slick coating your folds, once, twice, before his eagerness could no longer be held down. A visible shudder shook his toned figure as he breached your clenching hole, his cock stretching you open while you held onto his shoulders for stability, head angled downwards to watch your cunt swallow his cock whole.
“Fuck—darling, you gotta relax for me,” he bumped his forehead with yours, pressing tender kisses to your lips while you adjusted to his girth, unclenching your muscles and allowing the fullness to take over your senses. “Good girl,” he squeezed the back of your neck soothingly, planting a few pecks onto your cheekbone and temple.
He moved in shallow thrusts, craving the friction but refusing to part from the magnetic warmth of your cunt, slick squelching every time he pushed in and soft grunts leaving his lips as he cast his gaze onto your contorting face. He could tell you were still trying to hold your ground, but the pleasure soaring through your body at the languid grazes of his cockhead over your clenching walls dismantled the front you’d built up. And Choi San proved relentless in his pursuit, wanting nothing but to have you falling apart in his arms.
He snapped his hips without warning, a choked moan echoing in the back of your throat, “You’re mine, aren’t you?” he was so close, so deep, building up to a rhythm that rendered you momentarily speechless. “My own pretty girl to ruin.”
You made no effort in concealing your voice, intermittent ah’s making San’s insides flutter as he pounded into you, arms holding you firmly against his body as he seeked the tight squeeze of your cunt.
“You fucking wish,” lidded eyes not moving off him, you rolled your hips in sync with his, meeting his thrusts with just as much urgency, the heavy presence of his cock continuously fucking into you satisfying a years-long hunger you’d endured in silence.
“You can pretend all you want, but I can see the fucking mess you’re making of yourself,” the hand on your nape moved to the back of your head, pushing it down to vaunt his slick-coated cock peeking out of your pussy before stuffing it back inside, toned pelvis and snail trail glistening with your arousal as he grinded against your clit every time he sheathed himself within you. Leaning forward once again, San’s lips pressed against your cheekbone, moving over the skin as he rephrased his previous question into a sure statement, “you’re mine.”
And this time, you didn’t protest, didn’t tease, but simply nodded your head and breathed out a defeated, “yeah, ‘m all yours.”
San’s cock twitched, his hand dropping to your thigh to dig his fingers into the flesh, the other still wrapped possessively around you while he pistoned his hips into your sopping cunt, sweat beading over his temples while your foreheads remained flush, hot air circulating between your mouths as you pressed them against each other in breathless kisses, swallowing each other’s moans as ecstasy soared through your bodies.
“San—nngh fuck—" the more your back arched you away from him, the closer San drew you in, as though he couldn’t function without every patch of your skin glued to his own; until your nipples pressed together and his scent was all-consuming.
San prided himself in his stamina, but with your walls wrapped around him, his cock pulsed violently and all he could think about was fucking you full. “Gonna give you all I have,” he grunted, rhythm faltering and growing sloppy as the build of his orgasm blinded him, “you’ll take it all, won’t you?”
It seemed as though all you could do was nod, the sound of your synced breaths and skin-on-skin reverberating in the air surrounding your intertwined frame. All you could think about was San, so full of San, his scent, his warmth, his secure hold. San, San, San. The man noticed the sudden trance consuming you, moving his head back to hold your face in his palm, waiting until your eyes focused back on him to speak again,
“There you are,” it was barely a whisper, but you released a deep breath you’d unintentionally been holding, muscles relaxing despite the hurried pace of his hips pounding into you, “’m gonna fill you up, yeah?” Though you were on the brink of delirium, wanting nothing more but San’s thick cum deep within you, you remained quiet, watching as desperation seeped into his expression. “Please, baby—fuck—please let me, let me make a mess of you.”
You ran your fingers through his damp locks, scratching at his scalp to watch the feline eyes droop further. “Begging looks good on you,” you giggled, noting his slowed pace as he staved off his orgasm, a creamy ring of white forming around his cock.
An exasperated whine escaped his throat, his hips betraying him as they chased a pleasure he’d been delaying, “you’ll look so pretty full of my cum, you’ll take it so well.”
The furrow of his eyebrows, pretty pink tinting his skin and fingers trembling where he replaced them at your nape, you couldn’t find it in you to refuse him anymore, the familiar tingle of your impending orgasm breaching your brittle mask of nonchalance.
“Give it to me, Sannie, I’ll take it all.”
That was all San needed, the nickname blurring his vision as he stuffed his length into your cunt, pelvis pressed against your clit as he painted your walls with sticky ribbons of pearly white, his cock throbbing while he fed his load into your womb. You watched his eyes flutter shut and mouth form a perfect ‘o’ as he used your warm hole to milk himself of every last drop, graced with the opportunity to watch him unravel for only a few moments before he dragged you into his body, tucking your head into his neck while he grinded his twitching cock into your cum-soaked pussy. It was so much, so warm as he flooded your insides with his seed, a thin stream dribbling out of your stretched entrance while he shot a few more pathetic spurts.
You tangled your fingers into the short locks at his nape, reveling in the untamed, successive moans San let out into your ear, the mix of his deep baritone and high-pitched whimpers leading your pussy to clench around him. And despite the building overstimulation, he started up a steady rhythm once again, pulling out before slamming back inside. You felt the thick cum flooding out of you, only to be fucked back into your needy cunt. An orgasm you’d thought had dwindled away built right back up as San’s cockhead pounded relentlessly into your g-spot, thighs clamping around his hips as they guided you towards the edge.
You clung to his shoulders, hesitantly pushing your head back when he’d gripped the hair at your nape, shaky breath blowing against your skin as he watched you melt in his arms, eyes squeezed shut, “gonna come for me?”
“mhmm,” your cunt pulsed sporadically as he pumped it full of his sensitive cock, and he leaned down to pepper kisses over your eyelids.
“Don’t close your eyes, baby. Look at me,” he muttered over the delicate skin, his smile dripping with sweetness once you’d done as he asked, faltering slightly when your walls finally clamped up around him, “that’s it—fuck—that’s a good girl.”
Vivid flashes of colour painted your vision, muscles spasming in San’s hold as you finally tumbled over the edge. He coaxed you through it with languid glides over your trembling walls, honeyed voice mumbling praise into your ear while ecstasy rocketed through your body, going completely silent through the first wave before a broken moan ripped through your chest. Your cunt squelched with the added slick, a mixture of your release and San’s simultaneously being fucked into and out of the used hole, and San wanted nothing but to spread you open and swallow your combined taste until you squirmed and thrashed under him, pulling at his hair and squeezing his head between your thighs. But exhaustion was apparent in your eyes, body going limp in his arms as you finally came down, spasming and whimpering while weakly pushing at his bicep.
San didn’t pull out, but simply slid his whole length back inside you and stilled, waiting until your features relaxed before leaning in for a kiss — slow, deep, breaking apart to plant a succession of feathery pecks over your pouted lips.
As he tucked you closer once again, nuzzling your nose into his pulse point, you wondered if this was how Choi San treated all his women, lulling them into a false sense of security before ripping their heart out of their chest, leaving them with the bitter memory of what could have been and the retreating shadow of his broad frame. But one peek over his shoulder, you took in the wordless conversation shared between the two guards, bewilderment and questioning glinting in their widened eyes, frantic hands flailing at their sides in an attempt to dissect the situation. The peculiar scene eased your concerns, and the steady heartbeat of the man you’d longed to hold you for so long laced the air around you with a comforting aroma.
Twisting his head, San studied your dazed expression for a few moments before you’d met his eyes, earning you an easy smile and dimpled cheeks that sent your heartrate on a frenzy, and with your chests flush, San’s lips only smiled further at the realization. The man had warned you about the recklessness of trusting him, and while you knew it to be as such, you were content to live in this warm aura of comfort he’d provided you so long as you could bare witness to this side of vulnerability unknown to many. And even if this moment were to be fleeting, leaving you to grieve the short-live tenderness instead of revel within it, San’s overwhelming warmth and the fervency of his embrace would eternally linger, casting a comforting glow on any desolate, bitter days to come.
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ennysbookstore · 3 months
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The Art of Climbing the Corporate Ladder Part I (San x Reader)
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Summary: Left alone in the aftermath of your devastating break-up, you dive head-first into the cutthroat world of corporate success. On your ascend to the top, you take on the challenge of training Choi San, a new hire who is not only irresistibly charming and attractive but also surprisingly endearing. But who exactly is he?
Word Count: 14.48k LMAO
Genre/Warnings: slowburn, strangers to friends to lovers lol, touch-starved!reader x attentive!san, good amounts of angst, suggestive kissing (?), reader is an abomination of my worst fears and insecurities haha, fluff, San being an absolute cutie, cursing, adult language, mentions of alcohol, mentions of death, somewhat inaccurate representation of the corporate world, byeol erasure for plot convenience lol, wooyoung and yunho cameos, do I even need to mention the verb tenses anymore?
Author's Note: Fucking around and finding out how to format things on Tumblr BUT here she is!! A whole 2 days early in honor of hitting 100 followers 🥹 I'm really proud of this fic and also flabbergasted as to how quickly I was able to come up with it. I'm really getting back into my rhythm with my writing, so I would love you guys forever if you reblog and comment <3 Please let me know what you think!! It gives me an insane serotonin boost (and motivation to keep writing) to read your comments and tags!! Much love to you all <3
🎧 playlist 🎧: dean: die 4 you 🐈‍⬛ tabber: being 🐈‍⬛ yerin baek: interlude 🐈‍⬛ bibi: hongdae r&b 🐈‍⬛ OoOo: fuxxin' love 🐈‍⬛ so!yoon!: love (a secret visitor) 🐈‍⬛ sogumm & keumbee: salt rain
This is a work of fiction, and it is not meant to be a realistic representation of any real person mentioned in any way, shape, or form.
Should there come a time for you to be thankful for living in a capitalist world, you would forever be in debt to the fact that there was always work to be done. It was an undeniable truth. No matter the time, no matter the circumstances, there was always work to be done, and after your complicated break-up with your ex of three years, you reveled in that truth. 
Spending a month rotting away in the confines of your apartment left you feeling ridiculously undesirable and stupid, so you did what any responsible adult would do. Fall into the capitalist scheme of climbing the corporate ladder. 
Your sudden rigor at work didn’t go unnoticed, and over a year’s time, you swiftly began moving out of the miserable rut you had been stuck in for the past three years. There were no lies within work. The numbers were the numbers, and the reports were the reports, and work was the undeniable truth you had come to admire. 
So every morning, you started getting up early, got in your exercise, made a bitter black coffee, and walked to work in the sleek black pumps you drunkenly purchased the night of your epiphany. 
You had followed the routine without fail for the past year and half and weren’t planning on stopping, which is why when your alarm rang at 5:30 am this morning, you got up without a moment of doubt and went about your day.
You had exercised, showered, and dressed before the sun even had a chance to rise on the mid-January morning. In your quiet apartment, your coffee machine whirred to life. As your cup of drip coffee began filling, you rolled your neck and glanced down at your phone to view your meticulously planned day. 
Waiting for the cup to cool, you checked your emails. After doing so, you blew on the deep brown drink and shot the liquid quickly down your throat. The bitter taste lingered as you filled up a travel mug with fresh black coffee. 
When you arrive at work, well before the rest of the floor, you turn on your computer and begin making your way down the lists of tasks. As the time passes, the floor fills with people, and the sunlight seeps through the window of the high-rise. 
Drowning out the chatter, you continue typing away at emails and reports. Some hours later, when your black coffee is done, you finally get up. You send polite nods and small smiles towards your co-workers on your way to the breakroom. Washing your cup, you circle your stiff neck to relieve your back. When you’re filling your mug up at the cooled dispenser, the door to your floor is opened and followed by a loud laugh. 
From your spot behind the dispenser, you watch Ms. Daisy, the senior human resources head, engaged in a deep conversation with a man much taller and wider than her petite frame. She points out certain departments on the floor and then continues to introduce each team member. 
Her small stature and heavy Southern accent turned her into your confidant when you were beginning to make your way out of the fourth floor cubicle you had been trapped in for the past three years. You wouldn’t be on the 22th floor of the same building today if it hadn’t been her grandmotherly nurturing and endless advice.
You slow at screwing your mug shut when you catch a glimpse of the man with her. Hovering a good foot over Ms. Daisy, he wore a crisp white button down tucked into black dress pants. His broad shoulders and small waist are accentuated by the simple outfit. His long-ish deep black hair is pushed back, and a soft dimple decorates his cheeks as he shakes the hands of the graphic design team. Plain black framed glasses sat on his nose bridge. His eyes close into small crescents as Ms. Daisy shares a joke.
You watch the two of them finish making their rounds to the rest of the teams. They stand in the middle of the floor as Ms. Daisy’s head whips in different directions until her eyes finally land on you making your way back to your desk. Calmly, you manage to hit print on a file you had left open on your screen to give you a quick escape, should you need one. 
“Oh honey, there you are!” She walks with quick, bouncy steps, the man at her side following. “This is the new hire I was telling you about,” she points her thumb to the man. He shoots his dimpled smile your way, and you send him a quick nod. “With Michael on paternity leave, we had to find a quick mentor replacement for you,” she turns back to him, clasping her hands together. “Luckily for us, this one is always up for a challenge! But I wouldn’t fret, you’re in incredibly capable hands.” 
You had taken the opportunity the moment it made itself known. Training a new hire to the best of your abilities was in your best interest, and there wasn’t a better time than now to take on the challenge. With the final quarter evaluations of the year having been wrapped up on a high note, the company was looking to take some risks with their marketing approach. Your current project manager was on the cusp of retirement and failing to meet the expectations of the significantly younger board of directors. 
The upcoming experimental quarter project was looking like your shot to what you had been working for in the past year, and if training a new hire was a stepping stone to get you there, you were more than willing to stack the load onto your already hefty plate.
The new hire holds out his large hand for you to shake, “San. Choi San.” You greet him back kindly but don’t make an attempt to shake his hand, instead choosing to view it apprehensively. 
Before the moment has the chance to become uncomfortable, Ms. Daisy wraps her hands around San’s outstretched one and says, “This young lady is our ‘jack of all trades’. She’s got great analytical skills, attention to detail, and oh, don’t even get me started on her presentations!” You look to the side at Ms. Daisy’s compliments. “I’d recommend you make the best of these next few weeks Mr. Choi, you’re getting a chance to learn from and work with the best we’ve got.”
“I plan to Ms. Daisy,” his dimple dents further into his cheek. 
With some more pleasantries exchanged between the three of you, Ms. Daisy leaves you and the new hire to yourselves. 
“Let’s get you introduced to the rest of the team,” you point him in the direction of your colleagues. You take him to the data analyst and SEO strategist who work isolated in the corners of the floor. Then, you take him to the content marketer and visual designer who’ve opted to join their desks together. San eagerly greets the rest of the team you were assisting in managing with a friendly smile. Finally, you take him to his desk, which is set up right across from yours.
San doesn’t sit down and looks around the floor. “What about the boss man?” he laughs confusedly. “The team’s manager? Lush…pin?”
You look across to the clock hung above the water dispenser that reads 10:24 am and turn to San with a sigh. “He’s probably not going to be here until well after noon.”
Not wanting to sit yet either, you decide to grab the report from the copier room. San walks beside you and asks, “Has he already started on the quarter project? I was told we don’t get briefed until tomorrow.”
“We don’t, but he usually doesn’t get here until then anyways,” you tell him. You catch your antagonizing tone as you enter the copier room and clear your throat. San completing a mentor review was on the cards, and you were aiming for a positive outcome. The probability of that would be low if you continued to offhandedly complain about your incompetent project manager on his first day. “So, what department are you looking to be working in?” you attempt to engage. 
“I don’t really know,” he shrugs. “Whoever will take me in, I guess.” 
Standing in front of the copier, distaste grows in you at his nonchalant tone. From the other training mentorships you’d observed, the trainees were motivated and driven. They had a clear goal in mind and were willing to work hard at it. You’d assumed your trainee would be the same and weren’t expecting or looking to train someone who wasn’t serious. You clear your throat again and ask, “You were hired for a reason. There’s got to be a department you’re gravitating towards.” 
San pushes the frames of his glasses higher up on his nose and leans against the wall where the old machine is working to print pages. You watch the way his shirt stretches against the flexing skin of upper arms. The copier clicks to a pause before starting up again. “I think working in design would be cool?” he settles on the statement unsurely. 
You hum at his response and say, “We can look over your submitted portfolio, and I can give you some pointers when we get the time.” Your offer sends his gaze to the floor, and he nods with a tight-lipped smile. 
As the copier spits out more pages of the report, you eye San. There was no doubt he was attractive and filled into his frame, but with a closer view, you noticed his shirt hadn’t been ironed or tucked in properly into his dress pants. 
Feeling your eyes on him, San straightens his back and puffs out his chest with bravado. You wanted to roll your eyes but remain professional. The copier coughs out the final stapled copies of last year's report, and as you tap the sheets to line up, you look San up and down one more time. He lets you lead the way out with a sweet smile returning to his face, and as you’re doing so, over your shoulder, you tell him, “Your shirt tag is sticking out.”
***** 
Working in marketing research wasn’t a demanding job, and a year ago, you were comfortable in your tiny cubicle on the fourth floor of your company building. Decorated with memorabilia from your time at university and pictures of your loved ones, it wasn’t a bad place. You were even close to the window which gave you a view of the never-tiring city and its thousands of occupants walking to their destinations. Everyone on the floor kept to themselves for the most part and didn’t mingle much. 
But it had become just that. Too comfortable. After your break-up, the memorabilia and photographs seemed as if they were accumulating thick layers of dust around their edges. From the window, you began recognizing regulars who would walk across the street to the tiny coffee shop during the lunch rush. Looking over to the other occupied cubicles only reminded you of your own stagnancy. 
You wanted to get out, and now being higher up in the building, you finally felt as if you could breathe beyond the stuffy cubicle floor. When you looked down at the moving traffic down below now, the faces were too small to be even differentiated. This time, you kept your desk void of personal items and instead left reminders of due dates or lists of tasks that had to be accomplished. It was like being above the gray rain clouds of your past self. The sun shone brighter, and there were places to go beyond. That much had become clear to you. 
So, when San drudges in the next morning and fills his water bottle at the water dispenser sadly, it felt as if a gray cloud from below had floated up into the 22nd floor. 
He had brought in and placed a cardboard box of his personal belongings on his desk while you were in the restroom, and you caught a glimpse of the items inside on your way back. You make out some pictures, a standup calendar, miniature plush toys, and several plastic figurines from a show you weren’t familiar with, one of which sat on the top of the pile with a broken hand.
He sits down in front of you just as you’re getting settled into your own chair. He sends you a smile, but it doesn’t fold the eyes behind his glasses into crescents like yesterday. “Good morning,” he says.
“Good morning, how are you doing?” you try to send him a genuine smile. Yesterday had gone mostly without a hitch. Aside from his indifferent answer in the copier room, he had diligently taken notes in a little notepad while you explained some of the know-hows of the 22nd floor. With a little pout, he had scribbled down details about the rest of the employees, the features available on the floor, and what to expect during the project briefing that was to take place later today. 
He had carefully followed you around, making sure he was never in your way as you went about your day. He didn’t ask nearly as many questions as you had seen other new hires ask, but nonetheless, he had observed quietly and attentively.
“I’ve been better,” he says, eyes flickering to the broken figurine. “But I’m excited for the briefing today,” he adds.
You nod with a smile. There’s the missing enthusiasm from yesterday. You keep the thought to yourself and instead say, “Great, it’ll really give you a good understanding of the start of all of our processes up here.” You look over to the clock above the water dispenser. “Why don’t you take some time to get settled in, and we’ll head to the auditorium together later.”
San nods, and his dimple fleetingly makes an appearance. You watch him take the broken figurine and solemnly put a tissue over it. You return to complete an email before moving on to other tasks, and out of your periphery, you catch San reaching into his box for the rest of the items. 
Occasionally, you look up to see San arranging his desk in a multitude of different ways. He stops when he gets a visit from an IT rep. The reflection of his computer on his glasses as he focuses on setting up his work email and profile prompts to sneak in more glances. As the IT rep explains a new software update on the company’s website, San’s eyes momentarily land on yours. In an attempt to seem undeterred, you send him a smile, and he responds with a dashing smile of his own, his dimple returning with a vengeance. 
You don’t look at San again until it’s time for the briefing. The absence of Lushpin, who still had not arrived, prompted you to flag your team members down and let them know to begin making their way to the auditorium. San grabs an empty purple folder, puts his notepad and pen inside, and stands to leave with you.
On your way to the auditorium, the rest of the floor seemed eager to get to know San more, so you kept a little distance and walked forward. San doesn’t stray far behind you, and you’re able to hear the blatant flirting and sports talk from the other employees too well for your liking. 
Inside the filling auditorium, you tell San to go ahead and find a place to sit down. Towards the front, you spot Ms. Daisy assisting the presenters with their microphones. At your greeting, she sends them on their way and turns to you.
“Oh honey, how’s the mentorship going?” Ms. Daisy asks, hands on her hips. 
You watch San finding a seat next to your team’s content marketer, Wooyoung, and sigh. “He’s definitely different,” is what you settle with. “But nothing I can’t handle,” you confidently added.
Ms. Daisy gives you a knowing smile, and you stand with for some more time discussing the topics for the briefing. “Oh, do you think you can get me a copy of his portfolio? I told him I’d look it over—,” you begin to ask, but when the lights dim, you bid her good-bye and walk back towards the seats.
From his spot, San waves you down, and you walk to him. He takes his purple folder off of the seat next to him and pats the area for you to take. With a small thanks, you squeeze into the seat while San stands slightly to let you. He moves his legs to the side until you’ve comfortably sat down. Once you have, his legs spread back into their original position, and his thighs just barely touch yours. You flinch at the contact and immediately jerk your legs away from his. 
San doesn’t react, and throughout the rest of the briefing, you keep your legs straight ahead to avoid the legs on either side of you. Soon after, San retrieves his purple folder and notepad. As he starts writing, the small pout returns to his lips. You watch him for a minute and notice his dress pants are just a tad bit short on him. They ride up to reveal his cat-patterned socks. To shake off the searing feeling on your thigh, you focus on every word from the presenter’s speech and hang on to them.
New quarter. Fresh start. Time to take risks. Partnering with TechTots Studios to market their new app. 
At the mention of TechTots Studios, you break out of your dazed focus. You had applied and even been accepted to work for them fresh out of university, but eventually chose your current company to be closer to your ex. Potential ideas start flowing through your head right away, and you sit up to pay more attention. 
The briefing ends, leaving an optimistic air in the auditorium. With Lushpin still nowhere in sight, you begin to regroup the team members and lead them back towards the elevators. 
“That was overwhelming,” you start, as the team piles into the elevator. 
“You’re telling me. I thought he’d never shut up,” Wooyoung rubs his eyes. The data analyst jokingly shoves him, and you smile at the laughter that fills the elevator. 
As it dies down, you check your wristwatch and say, “We’ve got some time. Let’s regroup after lunch in conference room B and think about how to move forward. Is that alright with everyone?” 
The team nods in agreement and disperses to their tables on your floor. 
After lunch, you take San to the conference room, but not before he grabs his purple folder and notepad. Watching him, You set your laptop down and opt to grab a notepad and black pen of your own to take to the conference room. 
Now, some hours after the briefing, the team becomes refreshed and are able to bounce ideas off one another with ease. San watches you carefully listen to each members’ ideas, jotting down key words. You listen even closer to their concerns, and San watches you put exclamations next to your notes. You make sure everyone’s points are heard, asking clarifying questions when there’s confusion. 
You silently watch San, too. When you stop taking notes, his pen picks up the minute details you might need later. There’s a slight crinkle in his tie that you desperately want to iron out, but you appreciate the effort he puts in for the moment. 
“Okay, I’ll email everyone the summarized notes of today’s meeting before we leave for the day. Let’s each try to brainstorm potential campaigning approaches and designs for tomorrow. We’ll take it easy for the week,” you finish, and at the phrase, the team agrees in appreciation.
Back at your desk, you busy yourself by organizing your written notes into an email. With your head down, you don’t notice San slipping the ripped sheet of his own notes across his desk onto yours. You do, however, look up when the sheet manages to knock down a figurine, which dominos to knock down three more figurines. 
“Sorry,” he sheepishly picks the figurines back up.
“That’s a lot of figurines,” you tell him, your fingers not leaving your keyboard. You hope there was no malice in your voice, it was genuinely just a lot of figurines for a work desk. 
“Yeah, this is the fun part of having a job,” he laughs out, adjusting one of his figurines to face him. He quickly looks at your empty desk, and the laughter fizzles away. He clears his throat and says, “Do you mind if I watch what you're doing?”
You tilt your head and look at the email you’d started. “You want to watch me write an email?”
“I’m terrible at that kind of stuff,” he says, rolling his chair next to you. “I took notes, sure, but I can barely read them, let alone make enough sense of them to put it in an email.” When he takes a seat too close to you, you swallow deeply. At least, he’s being more active. 
At your quiet unease, San casually rolls his chair a few inches away from you. He takes his own notes and sets them down next to yours. You can smell the faint chocolate scent of his cologne, and looking down, you’re met with his cat-patterned socks again. You relax with the added distance he gives you and get back to the email.
He watches you work at the keyboard, while your eyes switch between the screen of your computer, your notes, and his notes. Eventually, you finish, and San rolls back to his desk with a researching task you’d assigned him. When you look up from time to time, you see his brows furrowed and lips pouted in concentration as he works.
The two of you work, and then work some more. 
As the floor starts emptying at the end of the workday, you open a blank powerpoint presentation on your computer and unfold your laptop to display the summarized email notes. With all of the information readily available, you began to put together potential plans for the partnership with the team’s ideas and threw in your personal additions, too.
It felt as if the opportunity had been served to you on a silver platter. You knew what your team members were capable of, and you knew what you were capable of. You gave up control once, and you would be damned if you let it slip out of your hands again. You wanted to get a head-start on it as soon as you could.
You’re pulled out of your focus, when a standing San clears his throat to get your attention. You look up at him pushing up his glasses after looking at the clock above the water dispenser. “I’m going to head out,” he points to the elevator. “Are you… planning on staying long?”
You look down at the incomplete powerpoint and the long list of ideas. “I’ve got some things to get through, but you can go ahead,” you resume typing. 
“Oh, okay,” he lingers for some moments, before turning his attention to Wooyoung, who calls him over from the elevators. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
You rip your eyes away from the powerpoint once more and give him a soft smile. “See you tomorrow,” you confirm. He sends you a dimpled smile before running to catch up with Wooyoung. Once the doors of the elevators shut, you start typing once again.
It’s well into the late evening when you’re saving the completed powerpoint one more time for added assurance. You lean back into your chair and check the time. Rolling your neck in slow circles, you let your eyes shut for some seconds and breathe deeply. When you open them, in your direct line of sight, is San’s broken figurine resting under the thin tissue.
Sighing, you stand to grab it. Now in your hands, you were able to see the vivid painted details on its face, and turning it helped you feel the distinct textures on its clothing. Another sigh left your lips as you bent over your desk drawers to find the tiny tube of superglue you’d purchased some time ago.
*****
The next day, San finally gets to meet Lushpin. 
He’s in shock when he walks in to find his figurine, which had broken yesterday on his way to the office, looking as good as new. As he’s inspecting the seamless glue job, Wooyoung takes his arm and drags him to the conference room.
San spots your items in the conference room, but you’re nowhere in sight. Wooyoung pulls him out of his thoughts and begins to explain which company email chains and group chats were worth staying in for entertainment and ones he was better off muting. His words come to a surprised halt when he spots an email you had sent to the team earlier this morning.
He opens the email, quickly reads through the short memo you’d written, and clicks on the attachment. At the extensive powerpoint, Wooyoung lets out a whispered, “Fuck.”
The door to the conference room is slammed open by a round, old man. He’s deep in a conversation with the SEO strategist who sets down a tray of coffees. You swiftly file in behind them and sit in front of your laptop. San deduces the old man is Lushpin, the project manager for the team. He was dressed in an expensive suit and shoes were shined, but he still looked unkempt to San. When he comes closer to the table, San briefly picks up the scent of alcohol coming from him.
With a wince, he looks over to you instead. You’re dressed neatly and professionally, but when you bend down to grab the cable to connect your laptop to the projector, San spots kinesiology tape running along your neck to the top of your shoulder under your blouse. You sweetly thank the SEO strategist as you grab the coffee from his hands.
Lushpin walks to the front of the room and heavily sits at the head of the table. He clicks through the powerpoint on your laptop much too quickly to be able to absorb any of the information on the slides, but nonetheless clicks back to the beginning of the presentation and clears his throat. 
“Right. Good morning everybody. Hope you’re all doing well on this snowy day,” he points to the thickening snowflakes that stick to the glass with a gruff laugh. “Let’s not waste any time now. We’ve got our work cut out for us with our partnership with TenTots Studios.”
“TechTots, sir,” you neutrally correct him.
“Hm?” he looks at you, confused.
“It’s TechTots Studios, sir,” you repeat for him.
Not even embarrassed in the slightest, he laughs deeply. “Right, might as well let you handle this then,” he jokes, swiveling the chair aside to make room for you. 
An utterly bewildered expression settles on San’s face for some time. When he sneakily looks over the rest of the team, they weren’t affected in the least. In fact, they became more attentive when you took to the powerpoint and began going through the proposals and potential breakdown of the tasks. 
Ms. Daisy wasn’t kidding when she praised your presentation skills. With your powerpoint, you had managed to take the summarized points of yesterday’s meeting and break down the potential processes each idea would require with visual aids. You’d made a list of pros and cons for the ideas, giving every single one serious consideration. You talked about the ideas without bias and included additions you thought that might enhance said idea. You’d created timelines and deadlines, so the workload would remain consistent and manageable. 
Your confidence in each of the members’ recommendations relaxed them, too. In less than a day, you had made each of their suggestions digestible and feasible in the time frame the team was given. Every single one of their ideas became a serious possibility, and that, San realized, meant it would be much easier to take the best aspects of each idea to create something even more collectively impressive.
San watched you present slack-mouthed.
Even when you wrap up and the rest of the team starts packing their materials, San’s stuck in his amazement for you. It isn’t until Lushpin’s roughly grabs at his shoulder that he breaks out of his daze. You watch the interaction and decide to leave San with your project manager. You shoot San a quick smile and exit the conference room.
“So, my boy, how are you liking it here?” Lushpin asks, his hold too tight on San’s body. 
From inside the elevator, you watch San move past the shock of Lushpin’s touch and respond to him with a tight smile. Whatever he says sends Lushpin into a fit of laughter, and momentarily, a silent fear strikes through your body at the visual. When the elevator doors close, it leaves just as quickly as it comes.
*****
San never thanks you for fixing his figurine, but it doesn’t bother you all that much.
You grow to learn that despite his intimidating frame and large presence, he was quite boyish. Sure, he’d flex the muscles under his ill-fitting clothes when he caught a pair of eyes on him, but you’d begin to find even that endearing. He would laugh at unfunny jokes to ease the tension and send sweet, dimpled smiles everyone’s way during the sluggish mornings.
And while San never thanks you, he begins leaving little doodles with comically bad puns on your desk when you get up to use the restroom or are called away to another member’s desk. Over the weeks, you began to grow a collection of different colored and shaped sticky notes in your top drawer and looked through them when you were alone in the empty office far too late into the night. 
Unbeknownst to you, he had hoped some of them would stay and end up decorating your barren desk. So when he watches you read his latest purple star sticky note with a grape pun, smile at it, and place it in your top drawer yet again, he knows he has to step up his game. 
You, on the other hand, are grateful for the fact that San has started asking more questions, but you’re perplexed as to why more than half of them are about your personal preferences. 
Wow, they keep this floor so cold! If you took a vacation, would you go somewhere hot or cold? 
Man, this coffee is bitter. Do you have a sweet tooth?
Today, he asks, “You can borrow my pen! What’s your favorite color?” He sits up in the conference room B’s chairs to read off this week's tasks from your laptop. 
For the past few weeks, conference room B had become a hub for your team to congregate in and visually plan the team’s thoughts on the wall-wide idea board. You’d write out a list of weekly tasks and hang them on the corner of the board for repeated reminders, should anyone need them. 
You also grabbed a box of sticky notes and an array of white-board markers from the inventory and left them in the middle of the table for the team to use as they please. Today, you and San were working through checking the dry-erase markers for duds and unwrapping the sticky notes. 
You take the pen from San and ponder. “Black is always the best for work.”
“Sure, but what about you?”
“I don’t think it’s professional to ask personal questions at work, Mr. Choi,” you jokingly deflect.
He laughs with you, like the kind person he is, and doesn’t push the question further. 
“My mother called me Mr. Choi when I used to play pretend as my father when I was younger,” he shares instead while unwrapping his package of cloud-shaped sticky notes. “I never thought I’d actually end up in an office like him,” he looks up at the heavily decorated idea board. “Sometimes, this work thing is just… you know?” he fails to express himself.
“I think it’s nice.” At his confusion, you clarify, “It’s always there to fall back on.”
“I think it’s suffocating,” he folds the plastic trash flat. “It feels like an ant mill.”
“An ant mill?”
“Yeah, like a death spiral?” When you shake your head, he tells you, “Did you know army ants are blind? They follow each other's pheromones to guide them on trails. Sometimes, though, the trail can break, and somehow, the remaining ants will loop the trail looking for the pheromones of the other ants. The leader of the trail will lead the rest in circles until they eventually die of exhaustion, starvation, or dehydration.” 
At his explanation, you stop writing out the agenda and look at him. 
“That’s what work feels like to me,” he continues. “There are things outside of work. Places we’re meant to see. Foods we’re meant to try. People we’ve yet to meet and fall in love with. Spending decades of my life circling around in an office just… seems like a waste.”
You’d wanted that, too. You wanted it all with your ex. You were supposed to go see places and try new foods. You were supposed to stay in love. You were supposed to be enough for one another. 
At your silence, San begins stuttering, “I’m sorry, that wasn’t appropriate at all.”
You break out of your own spiraling thoughts and respond, “It’s okay. It’s interesting to know what you think.” You hesitate before adding, “But I think the fact that work will remain, even if the places or food or people won’t, is reassuring.”
“Hmm.” A silence takes over the room, and in the distance, you can hear the copier beeping for toner. “I think it’s interesting to know what you think, too, by the way,” San says, breaking into your thoughts, once again. 
You work in the silence again. You grab as many markers as you can in your hands and begin testing out each one. The quiet isn’t overbearing, but you find yourself wanting to break it. You want to tell San more things he might find interesting, things that make his eyes go wide and smile shine brighter. 
“I actually applied and got accepted to work at TechTots back when I finished university,” you find yourself admitting some time after, and his eyes shoot up.
“No way?” he looks at you exasperated. “You know, I’ve found myself thinking that you’d fit in with their company too many times to count, so much better than this place,” he gestures to the rest of the conference room. You bashfully wave away his compliment and throw away another dried up marker. “How’d you end up here?”
Watching your smile falter a little, he backtracks, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—it’s none of my business.”
You shake your head and respond, “It’s alright.” At his skeptical face, you double-down with a happier smile, “Really, it’s okay. The…  circumstances at the time didn’t call for it.” It wasn’t a lie. The circumstances just happened to be your ex and his more important job. “Just the distance and stuff.”
“The distance ended up being a blessing in disguise for me.”
“Oh yeah, how so?”
“Helped me fulfill my childhood dream of getting a cat,” he says excitedly. “My old roommates were deathly allergic, but I don’t have to worry about that now, living alone and all.”
“You’ve got a cat?” you look at him with wide eyes.
“Yeah! She’s the sweetest little thing,” San pauses, suddenly shy. “Do you… like cats?”
“I’ve always wanted one,” you find yourself admitting.
“How come you don’t have one?”
“My, uh… partner doesn’t— didn’t like them, but now,” you open a new pack of assorted markers, “I’m just too busy with work to be responsible for someone other than myself.”
San hums again, and the two of you continue to work through the markers and sticky notes. Until he speaks up again. 
“You think you’d be up to cat-sit for me next month?”
*****
You had sworn off relationships for the time being. You weren’t looking to be jumping back into one if you weren’t completely self-assured and better than the old you that stayed with your ex, because boys are the absolute worst. 
That was another undeniable truth you’d learned over time. They lie to your face, and cheat on you with your friends. They make you feel lonely and stupid. They make you miss out on opportunities that you would’ve otherwise excelled at. Worst of all, they depress you enough to make you call out of work to make yourself feel even more terrible about yourself alone at home. 
This truth is confirmed to you once more when your data analyst calls the following Monday in tears. The same Monday on which the preliminary meeting with TechTots Studios was to take place. You were no stranger to break-ups, so you offer the comfort you can over the phone and assure your data analyst that she can take her time. 
But the moment you hang up, your mind starts racing a mile a minute. You hurriedly open the outline on your laptop and hang over your laptop to begin prepping yourself on the contents the data analyst was supposed to cover. When San walks in, you’ve outwardly collected yourself, but the anxieties haven’t stopped coursing through your veins. 
Stretching your shoulders, you catch him up on the situation and watch his widening eyes flicking between you and your open screen with the updated outline. He nods in understanding, and at that, you begin to pack the needed materials and leave for TechTots.
“Doesn’t the project manager usually attend these meetings?” San quietly questions. He looks over to Lushpin’s yet-again empty office. Before he’s able to turn back around, you spot a thin white string of thread draped across the left shoulder pad of his dark blue blazer.
Ignoring it, you grab the design and numbers folders. “Usually, yes,” you flick through the laminated sheets of paper in each folder, making sure everything is in proper order. After double-checking, you zip the leather portfolio shut and turn to San. “But we’ll be handling it ourselves today.”
There’s no sun in the sky to greet you, but thick rain clouds crowd the skies, heavy with unfallen rain. Your called taxi arrives to pick you just on time, and the two of you pile in the back. 
On the taxi ride across the city to TechTots Studios, you nervously flip through the material once more, memorizing it into the core of your brain. San watches your hunched back reviewing the notes and catches sight of the kinesiology tape again as you readjust your coat. 
He wants to say something, to let you know that you should take care of yourself and your body, but before he’s able to form the words to tell you, the taxi slows to a stop in front of a high-rise. He bottles up his thoughts and decides that now isn’t the time to tell you something you probably already know.
After paying the fee, San exits the taxi and you follow, catching the misplaced white thread that draws attention to his otherwise dark blazer again. 
You’d been here once before, when you had scored a job interview with a rep just before your graduation. You take a deep breath once you’ve stepped into the building out of the gloomy day occurring outside. The interior of TechTots Studios makes you feel a lot lighter, their playful and shimmering colors decorating the walls and desks on the floor. 
You’re taken some floors up to a reserved meeting room and left there to wait while the attendees make their way to you. Once the receptionist closes the door to the meeting room, you and San take a seat. 
The ache along your shoulder is milder, and feeling much calmer now, you plop down into a chair. Next to you, San sits much more slowly, taking in the room. You finally notice his regular glasses are not adorning his face. Instead, he’s blinking rapidly to adjust the contacts in his eyes. While the colorful walls should have made him revisit his child-like imagination, he’s only become much more stressed. 
You, on the other hand, were good at keeping your emotions in check. You had learned the hard way, and while being thrust into the harsh realities of the world helped you get a hold of yourself, you didn’t want that for San. You could feel the nerves radiating off of him and filling the bright meeting room. His head turns to face you, and to your surprise, with a pained expression, he sends you a wink.
“Oh my g— I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to wink at you,” he rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. “These contacts have been a pain today. I just wanted to look a little more… seasoned, I guess.” With a heavy sigh, he rubs his reddening eye some more. 
“You’ve got to stop rubbing it like that,” you take your own fingers and demonstrate on your own eyes. “You can slowly move it around using the skin under your eye, like this.”
San looks into your eyes and mimics your movement. His fingers work much more gently with the skin under his eyes to correct the way his contact sits on his eye. With the unease of the contact gone, you see his form relaxing. 
“Thank you,” he says. He looks intently into your eyes, as if he’s got more to say, but you use the momentum of the moment to clear your throat. 
“You should chime in when and if you think you need to. You’re the only one that knows the outline better than I do.” Your statement makes him pause and send you a surprised look. You’re not sure if it makes him more nervous than he already was, but you’re happy that he’s at least distracted from his own thoughts.
“Are you sure?” He wears a floored look, almost doubting you for trusting him as much as you do.
“Absolutely, you aren’t going to get a more ‘hands-on’ experience than this, Mr. Choi,” you joke, trying to calm his nerves. “But, yes, you definitely should. All of this,” you pat the stuffed portfolio, “includes pieces of your input and your thoughts. You have as much of a right to it as the rest of the team. And for future reference,” you add, “I think your glasses add more to you.”
He timidly smiles. As he turns around, you catch sight of the string of thread again and absentmindedly reach to take it off his blazer, having had enough of seeing it. When your fingers touch the material, you realize what you’re doing. San looks equally as shocked as you quickly pinch the thread in between your fingers and stutter out, “Thread, there’s a—was a thread.”
Just then, there’s a knock at the meeting door as it slowly opens. “Hello! Sorry for running a little late! I’m Danny, and this is Yunho,” a thin man walks in with a much taller man following. “We’re the co-managers for this collaboration project. Welcome to TechTots Studios!”
San stands to pat his palms over his thighs and then reaches out to shake the men’s hands. You stand as well and send them a polite nod.
After the formalities, you begin presenting your proposed marketing campaigns. You take the men through your plans and user experience designs. San silently watches and aids your presentation with careful nods and dimpled smiles. As you continue on, a frown blooms on Danny’s face. Yunho, on the other hand, keeps a steady expression and listens with care. As you wrap up your plans with the app design, Danny leans back in his chair with a disappointed look.
Finally, after what seems like the most suffocating few seconds, he speaks. “This is not enough,” he sighs. You freeze up at his words, but he continues, “You’re not doing enough to represent our company the way we were hoping.”
Your shoulders tense painfully, and an incredulous expression flits across your face. The area where the kinesiology tape runs, you feel a sharp jab. Under the desk, you watch San’s hands reach for your thigh, but he stops himself. 
“Yellow is a core color of our design, and I don’t think it should be this insignificant on the app’s interface,” Yunho adds, much more diplomatically than his co-worker. 
“That’s completely understandable and didn’t escape our consideration,” San’s voice startles you. He reaches into portfolio to grab the alternative design. “Incorporating a strong yellow like this can become very distracting for the children. It borders on being just a little too bright and overstimulating.” He places the designs side-by-side and continues, “I think being able to see it like this will help you understand our process. The version we’re supporting makes your app much more gentle and marketable, especially to parents.”
His help allows you to recompose yourself and continue on as planned. You both ping-pong the remaining aspects of the rest of the proposal, and as you’re finishing, Danny’s smile has returned to his face. Yunho looks extremely satisfied as well, and the meeting ends on a high note. You tell them you’ll be sure to take their concerns into serious consideration with the rest of the team and discuss the project further at the next meeting. 
San shakes their hands again, and you give them both polite nods once again as they walk you out of the room. Once they walk away, San breathes out a massive sigh, “Oh my god, that was insane. I’m— oh my god, I’m actually sweating—” he laughs out.
As your exhaustion finally catches up to you, you aren’t able to conjure up the enthusiasm to match his mood, so you settle with sending him a tight-lipped smile instead. “I’m going to use the restroom before we leave, can you call us a taxi?”
San calms at your quiet request and clears his throat. “Yeah, of course. I’ll wait by the entrance,” his elated smile, now gentler. 
You speed into the thankfully empty restroom and finally take a deep breath. This is not enough. You turn the faucet to the coldest temperature you can and let it run over your hands. You are not enough. You take little handfuls of water and pat your throat with your chilled hands. 
Outside, San calls for a taxi and waits by the carousel glass door entrance. He watches one of the co-managers from the meeting, Yunho, walk up and wait in the general area by the restrooms, refilling his water cup again and again. San watches you exit and hears Yunho call out your name. 
You turn around and come face-to-face with Yunho. “Hey, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about Danny. He’s a little blunt with his words, but we just wanted to make sure we’re both on the same page before we continue forward,” he starts.
Trying to shake off your slumpy mood, you respond, “That’s alright, I’d want everything to be perfect with a collaboration like this, too.”
Yunho sends you a toothy grin, “Still, he’s a lot to handle. But we’re really impressed with what you’ve got so far, and we’re eager to continue working with your team.”
Unable to hear your conversation, San follows the shape of your lips. He notices the slightly wet ring of water on the neckline of your clothes and the suddenly deeper circles under your eyes. He sends you a soft smile as you finish your discussion with Yunho and start making your way towards him. 
When you exit the building after farewells, you’re left completely fatigued. Your tense shoulders beg to be relaxed while your furrowed brows cry to be smoothed down.
On the taxi ride back to your office, you and San sit in silence while the radio in the front plays sad jazz music. A light drizzle has finally broken out of the clouds’ confines, and you busy yourself by watching the raindrops race down the wetting window.
“Good work in there,” you manage to tell San as the taxi pulls up in front of your building. Your sweet smile didn’t accompany your words, but San knew you meant it genuinely nonetheless. 
Back inside, you send out a summarized email including the feedback from TechTots and continue on with your other tasks. You keep quiet and don’t meet San’s eyes once. 
Finally, when you get up to stretch your legs for a break hours later, San decides to take one himself. He drags himself to the break room and starts on making fresh coffee. The machine clicks and whirs as a steady stream starts filling the pot underneath.
San takes out a mug and pours himself a generous cup. He turns when the door to the break room opens. 
“God, I couldn’t wish for this project to be over any faster.” Wooyoung enters with a groan. He beelines to the coffee machine and grabs a mug from the cabinet above.
“We’ve barely just begun,” San laughs. He folds his arms over his chest and turns to watch Wooyoung pour the smallest amount of coffee into a bright blue mug. “But how come? I thought everything was going well?”
“Yeah, only because of her,” he nods to where you stand in the copier room. “Lushpin gave up a long time ago,” he takes a quick swig of the little coffee in his mug. “This team’s only being held together by her. She knows how everyone works, when they work best, what tasks they’ll enjoy, which ones they’ll dread,” he counts off on his fingers. “She’s been setting up the meetings and arranging Lushpin’s schedules before he even understands what’s going on. I just want the cross-emailing to stop. Lushpin will send us the agenda for the week before and claim it’s for this week. We end up stupidly confused until she sends us the right one.”
San sighs, watching you for some time as you stand motionlessly at the blinking copier. You’d been in a daze since the two of you returned to the office. All of your work was being completed to your standards San noticed, but it was as if you were on autopilot. “Why hasn’t she been promoted already? She’s obviously qualified, and it only makes sense if she’s doing the work already.”
“Simple, my man,” Wooyoung fills up his mug again, this time, nearly to the brim. “Workplace seniority,” he decorates the phrase with sarcastic jazz hands. 
A sour expression takes over San’s face. Wooyoung rips open several packets of sugar and dumps them into the mug. After a stir, he bends down to sip from the too full mug. At the taste, he disappointedly dumps several more packets of sugar into the mug. 
He takes another sip, much more satisfied this time around. “I’ve gotten most of the floor in on the conspiracy that there’s at least some degree of nepotism involved, too.” San pauses at the statement. “Besides, Lushpin’s got nothing to lose,” Wooyoung continues. “He’ll still get his severance, doesn’t matter if the project falls through or not.”
San watches you collect the paperwork and drop it off at the graphic design team’s desks. He follows your figure walking out of the floor towards the elevator. Bidding Wooyoung a quick goodbye, San starts his way out of the breakroom to catch up to you. Before he does, he stops at his desk and grabs a small box from his drawer, shoving it into his pant pocket.
At the end of the hall of the 22nd floor, there was a spare room that was meant to be turned into a meeting room. Instead, over the years, as paperwork turned more and more digital, the room had become a stockpile for the previous decades’ printed history. No one had bothered to go through and organize it, and with the abundance of meeting rooms on this floor already, it, along with the paperwork, sat collecting dust. 
You had stumbled upon the room in search of some quiet during an overwhelming Christmas party last. There was a small space behind standing steel shelves and hundreds of boxes of physical paperwork. It was incredibly compact and secluded, just what you needed sometimes to escape the fluorescents of the floor. It took some expertise to maneuver through the obstacle of cardboard and steel, something you’d perfected with time, but once you made it in, you felt as if you could finally breathe again.
On your first few visits, you’d dragged a heavy box into the small space and used it as your makeshift chair. The full-length window displayed the raindrops that had turned into sparse snowflakes falling over the city below. You take a seat on your box chair with a heavy sigh and take your head into your hands. 
The tears in your eyes were stinging. You didn’t know if it would hurt more to keep them trapped in your eyes or to let them run down your face. “Why are you doing this? I thought what we had was enough, I thought I was enough.”
“I’m enough,” you tell yourself. Tears begin filling your eyes, and you feel the anger in your body rising. 
“But you aren’t,” he says, standing at the door with his packed bags. “You are not enough. You haven’t been enough for me for a while.”
“I am enough,” you repeat a little louder. You were not going to cry at work. That was not who you wanted to be. You watch the snowflakes melt against the glass and roll down and stop yourself from doing the same.
Behind the steel and cardboard, you hear shuffling feet and an ouch. Peaking your head around your solitary area, you find San squeezing through the barriers of boxes and steel. He spots your face from between the mess and bumps into more metal beelining to you. As he does, you sniffle away your breaking voice and wipe your gathering tears.
San finally trips into your space, now able to gauge the proximity of your bodies. Your little hideout was not meant to sustain more than one person, and San trying to fit into this space would’ve elicited a giggle had you not just been on the verge of tears seconds ago.
“Hi,” he stands awkwardly leaning against the wall. 
“Hi.” you sniffle.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Is there anything I can get you?”
“No.”
At your short responses, San shifts his feet. You look out the window for some time before he asks, “Is it about the meeting?”
“Yes.. no… I don’t know.” 
“I thought it went well?” San questions, confused. 
You sniffle again, mind a little clearer. “It did. It went incredibly well,” you say sitting up a little straighter. “And you, you did really well, too. I’m really proud of you.” You pause again. “I think… I think I’m just tired,” you say and leave San standing motionless. 
In his several weeks here, he’d heard his fair share of complaints from the rest of the team members. Words of hurting backs, aching wrists, not enough sleep, and being severely hungover were a constant, especially on Monday mornings. But you never said anything. You quietly sympathized with your co-workers’ sentiments and went about working diligently. 
San had never heard anything remotely similar leave your mouth, so when you sadly tell him you’re tired, he can’t help but feel whole-heartedly helpless. His lips form a pout, and he thinks tears are filling his eyes when you roll your shoulders yet again. 
He had provided comfort before, and he’e been told he was good at it. But somehow, when it came time to comfort you, he fell flat. He wanted to tell you how amazed he was with you. He wanted to tell you how much he admired you, how much he wanted to be like you, but all he could do at the moment was return your compliment. “You did well, too, and I’m also proud of you.” 
“Thank you.”
San can see the outline of the tape that runs along your shoulders, and he pulls out his back-up plan from his pockets. He brings his hand forward to reveal a small wrapped box. “I was going to save this for later, but it looks like you might be able to use it now.”
He sets the box in your lap, and you look up to him, “San, you didn’t have to—”
“You work so hard. Too hard,” he looks down at the box. “This isn’t anything special, just a token of appreciation,” he scratches the back of his head. “Something for your desk, maybe?”
You open the blank cardboard box on your lap. Inside, you’re met with the sight of yet another box, this one made of plastic, but made to resemble cardboard, labeled with “ORANGES” along the outside and clipart pictures of oranges underneath. There’s a small cream-colored sensor on the top of the box.
“Oh, just a sec—” San digs into the pockets of his pants again and pulls out a spare coin. “Put this on the little sensor,” he says, dropping the coin into your palm. 
You follow his instructions, and at the action, the box opens to reveal a black cat inside. Its paw stretches out from inside the box to grab the coin. Once it does so, it sneaks back inside the box and after it, the box shuts close. 
“It’s just a little piggy bank, but I thought, you know, since you said you liked cats— well, you said you wanted one— I thought it might be a good gift,” he stumbles out, watching your face for any change in expression and breathing out in relief when a sweet smile returns to your face. 
“Thank you,” your thumb rounds the corner of the box. “This was sweet of you, really.”
San’s dimples return to his face, and he relaxes. Crossing his legs, he sits down in the small space next to you. In the quiet, the two of you watch the thickening snow fall outside of the 22nd floor window together for some time.
*****
Casual lounging clothes have been a rarity on your body for the past year and half. After coming home from work, you’ve started slipping into a fresh pair of exercise clothes before bed to be ready for the gym first thing in the morning.
So when you’re dressed in a plain, loose crew neck and matching sweatpants on this Friday night, you observe yourself in the mirror for some time. In the comfort of your own apartment, you weren’t required to dress as a professional, but even then, you feel strange in your clothes.
At the steady knocks on your door, you give yourself one more look-over and rush to open it.
San stands outside dressed similarly to you. He had changed out of his slightly too-small suit from earlier in the day and was instead adorned in a gray hoodie with matching gray sweatpants. His clothes actually fit him. A little too well. His glasses rest low on the bridge of his nose, where they have been more often lately. In his hands, he holds a purple plastic carrier and a brown paper bag. 
“Hi,” his dimples greet you.
“Hi,” you smile back, moving aside to let him in. 
San steps into your apartment and views the interior while removing his shoes. “You’ve got a really nice place,”  he says kindly, following you to your couch. San notices it’s almost as bare as your desk. There’s a few pictures of your family, but even they’re scarce. The lack of things makes your apartment feel chilly to San, and an unintentional shiver passes through his body.
You both sit down on the couch, and San places the brown bag in his lap and the carrier on the ground. 
“I’ve bought her food and medicine in here,” he hands you the brown bag. “But this,” he brings the plastic carrier up to his face, “is Neko.” He shoots the cat inside a dimpled smile when she meows for him. “Do you mind if I let her out?”
You shake your head, and he unlatches the door. Neko peaks her head out and gives San’s fingers a lick. She steadily jumps out of her carrier and begins to explore your apartment. 
You follow her curious movements, before you turn back to San. Unable to hold in the smile tugging at your lips, you laugh out, “Your cat’s name is cat?” 
San relaxes at your smile. “Yeah? Hey!” he says at your increasing laughter. He sits up straighter on your couch and points at the black cat saying, “You look at her and tell me that she’s not the perfect cat for the name Neko!”
Still giggling, you put your hands up in defense, “No, I understand where you’re coming from, it’s actually… fair.”
After San gifted you the cat bank some weeks ago, you’ve grown a lot closer. Having familiarized your routines and work ethic, you and San have begun to work like a well-oiled machine. Your tasks are completed quicker yet they aren’t suffering any drop in quality, and San does his best to match the standard of his craft to yours.
San’s personal questions to you haven’t lessened either, they’ve instead gotten much more specific. He would weave in questions that aligned with the tasks you were completing and collect little tidbits of information about you, and you’d happily begun to answer them as honestly as you could.
He knew when you liked to come into work, what coffee you liked to drink throughout the day, the color you would paint your house in the future, what summer fruit you crave in the cold winters, what type of powerpoint format you preferred, how close in age the two of you actually were, how you color-coordinate tasks and assignments, and just earlier today, he found out what you liked to order from the sandwich shop around the corner from the office on days you didn’t bring your own lunch.
But outside of work, your conversations were slower and more careful. Without work to fall back on into, you didn’t know how to talk to San. Thankfully, he was happy to take the lead.
San’s phone loudly notifies him of a message, but he ignores it, telling you, “She’s really easy to take care of. She mostly keeps to herself, and as long as she’s got a window, she’ll be ecstatic.” From his hoodie pocket, he pulls out a crumpled sheet of his notebook paper. “I’ve written down the times she usually gets hungry and when and how she has to take her medicine here, but you can always just call me if something happens. Or even if you just want to,” he slips in. 
He gives you the sheet, and you look over his scribbled handwriting. The extent of your conversations always happened on work premises, during work hours. Beyond the team chat, emails, and amount of time San was spending with you, there was no need to exchange your cell numbers. You look at his neatly written personal number on the top corner of the page, and you feel blood rushing to your face.
San’s phone alerts him of another incoming message, and after a quick glance, he shoves it back into his pockets.
“Can I get you anything? Coffee or water?”
“I’m alright, thank you,” he shoots you another smile. He leans back onto your couch and takes a look at the items splayed across your center table. He sees the roll of kinesiology tape you keep a spare of in your desk drawers. There’s also a book with color-coded sticky notes. “Color Theory for Children’s Media?” He picks up the book from the table and starts flipping through it. 
“Oh, yeah,” you sheepishly look down into your lap. “I thought I should familiarize myself with some basic things, just to know how the people at TechTots think,” you watch San’s finger’s trace over your notes. “It's an interesting read.” 
Embarrassment creeps into the moment, and you feel awkward suddenly. You didn’t want San to think all you ever thought about was work. You knew your apartment was a nice place, like he said, but it was void of you. It said nothing of your hobbies, of the life you’d spent in the city, of the life you’d lived in university. Your home may as well have been an furnished apartment, ready for someone to move into.
San pulls you out of your thoughts by asking, “Have you always wanted to work with kids?”
You pause at the question. After some seconds, you say, “I’m not sure. I’d like to be a part of creating media for them.”
“How come?”
You mimic San’s movement and lean back against your couch with a thoughtful sigh. “I think I would like making something they’ll remember. Kids are like sponges when they’re so young, and I… I learned a lot of lessons the hard way, and the world isn’t as kind to you when you’re older,” you pull your legs up and fold them underneath you.
After another pause, you quietly add, “I want to shape their world with kindness and empathy and understanding.” Neko reappears from behind the couch with a meow and jumps onto your legs. She circles the space for a few laps and finally plops down, her head resting on your thighs. You gently stroke the area between her ears.
San looks at the sight and smiles. “She likes you, and…” he shifts on the couch and faces you, “I think you would be really good at that.” 
You look to find him staring at you with a genuine smile. You smile back. Relaxing into the couch, you decide it would only be fair if you learned about San the way he did about you. You ponder what to ask him for some time as you pet Neko, and when you settle with the easiest of questions, his phone pings again. 
This time the messages come in consistently, and the pings are loud and unforgiving. At the noise, Neko jumps off you. He pulls out his phone from his pocket and finally reads the messages only to let out a sigh. “I should probably get going now,” he waves his phone in his hands. “My family aren’t the most patient people,” he says with a nervous laugh, and you send him an understanding nod. 
As he’s walking out of your apartment, you start feeling a little dejected. You catch yourself hoping he would stay a little while longer. Neko was happily occupied with your pile of to-be-recycled boxes, and San had looked so comfortable on your couch in his real clothing. But you knew he wasn’t here to stay. He was here to drop his cat off, nothing more. So when he sends you a final dimpled good-bye with a promise to pick Neko up Sunday morning, you swallow your sadness and send him a happy smile of your own.
At his departure, you look over the crumpled piece of notebook paper for instructions. Your fingers trace over his carefully written personal phone number. 
After feeding Neko dinner and her medicine, you decide to head to sleep early that night. Once you’re finally laying flat in your bed, you hear her.
The black cat meows at your bedside. You sit up and see her looking up at you eagerly. She meows again. You swing your feet over the bed and pick her up. She nuzzles into your arms, content. You place her next to you and lay down with a sigh. She walks in small, slow laps before settling with her back facing you, just inches from your face. 
When your heating system slows to a stop, you can hear the gentle beating of Neko’s heart. You let out a startled gasp and realize that even well before your break-up, you hadn’t heard another heartbeat this vividly in your bed for so long. At the sound of the thump, thump, thump, your eyes fill with salty tears. As they reach their limit, they run heavily down the side of your face. A quiet sob escapes your lips, and Neko turns around to face you. She gently licks up your tears and meows again. You pull her into your chest and hold her as your eyes eventually dry and sleep comes, gently overtaking your body. 
*****
Surprised to Neko unhappy to leave your side Sunday morning, San schedules another cat-sitting with you for when he knows he’ll be out of town again after the end of the first quarter. 
The following weeks go by much quicker than you’d imagined. At the secondary and third meeting with TechTots Studios, you and San are able to efficiently explain your processes with Danny and Yunho, who are left impressed and content each time. Before you know it, the end of the first quarter is approaching and the day of proposal presentation has arrived.
You spend the morning rotating your shoulders back and forth. The tape you’d applied this morning felt too badly placed now. It had hurt to get your arm up for the past couple of days and apply it tightly and securely the way you usually are able to. With the day of the final proposal presentation creeping up on the team, you had been sifting through buildings of work, and it hadn’t bothered you much. But today, on the day of the presentation, it felt too loose and too immaturely placed under your blouse. 
You roll your shoulders again in the hopes it’ll make the tape stick better, but you’re left feeling worse. You excuse yourself from your team, but when you walk into the restroom, you find it stuffed full of people getting ready for their own presentations. You back out pretty quickly and decide to head up to your spot. 
After squeezing into your space, you unbutton your shirt and try to reach the tape with your sore arms and neck. After struggling for some time, you frustratedly sit down on your box chair. You take a deep breath, exhale, and repeat for some minutes. You’d been gone from the rest of the team for a while, so you stand from the chair and figure you’ll suffer through the discomfort for the rest of the day. There’s worse things you’d handled, and with that list in mind, this was nothing.
As you’re putting your arm through your shirt, you hear, “Hey—oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” San quickly turns on his heel to leave.
“Wait,” you hesitate. You slip the shirt back up your shoulders and button the bottom half of the buttons. San stops in his steps but doesn’t turn around. “Can you help me?”
“Yeah, of course, but, uh, can I turn around?”
Yes San, you can turn around,” you laugh lightly. You stay facing out of the window and feel him moving closer towards you. He stops about an arm’s length away from you. You shake the collar of your shirt off lightly and let it drop slightly below your shoulder blades, and you hear San breathe in lowly.
You sigh, “I have this tape that I use for my shoulders, and it’s been driving me insane since this morning. It just isn’t placed right, and I can’t reach it. It feels too loose and not in the right spots. I can usually get it the way I like it, but I haven’t been able to turn or bend right these past couple of weeks just from being so stiff, and I…” you swallow nervously at your rant, “I can’t do it by myself.”
You can feel San step closer when his breath tickles your neck. You feel goosebumps erupt all over your body, and if San can see them, you’re glad he doesn’t bring them up. “It’s okay, I can help,” he quietly says.
“Thank you.” You reach up to grab the ends of tape and start lifting it up. “I just need you to pull it taut over this area and press it down.” 
San follows your directions carefully and makes sure to never let his skin touch yours. Nonetheless, you feel the warmth of his hands through the soft fabric of the tape. “Like this?”
You extend your shoulder and sigh when you feel it sitting properly beside your shoulder blade. “Yes, thank you so much,” you roll your shoulders back and forth some more. 
“You’re welcome,” San says softly. His fingers take the hanging material of your shirt and pull it over your exposed back.
Putting aside the relief you’ve just found, you quickly close the remaining buttons and clear your throat. 
San clears his throat, too, and you feel his warmth decreasing as he backs away. “I’ll see you downstairs.”
“Yeah,” you say, not turning around to face him. 
The rest of the morning is wrapped up in making final touches in preparation for the presentation that was to take place after lunch. You and San complete your work as you normally do, but every now and then, you can feel his lingering eyes on yours, looking at you just a little longer than necessary.
Just before lunch ends, you make your way into the empty auditorium to set up the presentation and double-check the formatting. Slowly, the rest of the team begins piling in, and soon enough, the seats begin filling up.
You head to the backstage area and start tidying your appearance and getting mic-ed. San comes into the area, taking big gulps of air and revising a thick stack of flashcards with his head down.  
You peak behind the curtain to find more bodies occupying the seats of the intimate auditorium. At San’s repeated deep breaths, you close the curtain and turn to tell him to get a hold of himself. The words die on the tip of your tongue when you see flicking through the flashcards with an anxious tenacity. 
Sighing, you walk up to him and take the cards from his tight grip. “You’ll be okay. We’ve rehearsed this hundreds of times,” you reach to fix his collar, avoiding his skin. “You’ll be okay,” you repeat slower and more sure, straightening his black tie. His eyes follow the movement of your own, and his breathing calms and quiets.
“I’m—” 
“Let’s fucking rock this shit,” Wooyoung walks into the backstage area with a deadly green neon energy drink in hand. The data analyst follows in after him, with an equally deadly hot pink drink. They both clink the cans together and chug them down before they start getting each other mic-ed up. 
As the final members of the team roll in, you gather everyone to go over any last minute changes. You quickly go over each section and what each member will be handling, and when everyone’s aligned and on the same page, you walk up to the closed curtain and hear San follow and stand beside you. 
Moments before the curtains open, you bravely intertwine your fingers with his and give him a secure squeeze. He hesitates to tighten his hand around yours, but you don’t mind. Ignoring the overwhelming sensation that travels up your arms from where your hands connect, you whisper out to him once more, “You’ll be okay.”
And he was okay. So were you. As was the rest of the team when you were showered with applause at the end of your presentation. 
*****
In the accomplishment of your successful and thorough presentation, TechTots Studios signs with your company and jumpstarts the second quarter of the year with the riskier and challenging plans your board of directors had been searching for. The good reception sends rumors of a potential promotion, and the employees of the floor sent knowing and happy looks your way, as if you’d already been promoted. 
Between the transition from the first to second quarter, Lushpin announces his retirement party that essentially confirmed the promotion rumors and was to take place in the office over the upcoming weekend. 
In the quiet of your own apartment, you purchase a pair of dark red pumps. Still professional but a change to match the change in you. 
As the weekend arrives, you make your way to the party much too early. You find yourself in conference room B with your new shoes, still in their box. 
Placing the daunting box on the table, you look up at the ridiculously filled idea board. The work completed by your team over the span of the past few months was finally going to come to fruition. Hands on your hips, you take a look at the messy notes, magazine cuttings, and post-its hung up by an array of tape and pushpins. Satisfied, you take a seat on a chair and remove your black pumps. 
You unwrap the dark red shoes and let your feet slip into the new material. Back still sore, you struggle to bend down and buckle them in. You sit up with a sigh and make a mental note of booking a deep tissue massage before the work for the second quarter starts coming in. 
“Hey,” San stands at the door of the conference room. He was dressed impressively in a dark gray blazer with a matching vest underneath. A white dress shirt was crisply tucked into black dress pants, and he had shined black derby shoes. “You’re here early.”
“Could say the same about you,” you say, sitting straighter. He sends you a soft smile and steps into the room. He looks at the empty box on the table and then down at your feet. 
Unbuttoning his vest with one hand, San kneels in front of you and pats his thighs. At your hesitation, he sighs out in distressed frustration, “You’re in pain. Come on, let me help.”
You raise your leg and place it gently on his thighs. The dark red heel pops against the jet black of his pants. He scoots up a little bit, and the rich chocolate of his cologne beckons you to bend forward in response, putting more of your weight on his thigh. He takes the straps to buckle them shut on your flimsy shoes. Wrapping one hand around the underside of the shoe, he avoids your skin and keeps the fingers of his other hand focused on getting the thin plastic tucked into its place. 
You stare at him for a long time. His fingers are clumsy, but his furrowed brows and concentrated pout distract you from them. You noticed he looked especially handsome today. The success of the collaboration had washed a thin veil of assured confidence over San, and it looked incredible on him. His black hair was cleanly combed, but a few strands fell over his forehead as he worked at your shoes. His outfit complimented his figure well. And he was being so watchful. 
He had been watchful. Watchful enough to sense your discomfort and give you space before you’d have to request it. Watchful of how you work and your routine within the floor’s environment. Watchful enough to make sure no part of his skin is touching any part of yours. 
Carefully, your hands reach to fist his neat collar. At your actions, San’s eyes grow large with surprise, and you look back into them. You travel down the slope of his nose to the curve of his lips. When you find them stuck in his signature pout, you move back up to his now hopeful eyes. Fuck it. Throwing caution to the wind, you lean in and softly place your lips on his.
Almost immediately, you feel San’s lips moving eagerly against yours. When you let out a gasped breath at his quick pace, San quickly grounds himself. His own movements slow, and he lets you take charge moving against him and exploring at your own rate. Even after the initial shock, the kiss feels intoxicating. Your hands grip his collar tighter, but you don’t feel his hands on you and you’re thankful for the fact. His soft lips are already rousing, and you’re sure you’d melt into a puddle if his hands were anywhere on your body. 
Something else you find yourself grateful for in that moment is Wooyoung’s exuberant personality. It’s always helped you in times of awkwardness. It’s bright. It’s bubbly. It’s something you can hear coming from miles away. 
At his bewitching laughter coming from down the hall, you force yourself to pull away from San. You catch an upsettingly dopey and smitten expression on his face as you look down timidly into your lap. With your hung low, you also find the image of San’s tightly closed fists at his sides. His knuckles have turned white, and the veins in his arms are popping at the blood pumping strongly within.
You put your other heel into his lap and wiggle it lightly. When he finally registers Wooyoung’s cackle, San works the strap of your second shoe much quicker than the first. When the door finally slams open, San’s standing and dusting off his thighs.
“Hey, you guys,” with half his body out the door, Wooyoung gestures out, “A little birdie told me they’ve only got a limited amount of the good alcohol, so I’d get a move on if you’re planning on surviving the rest of night. Come on, man,” he reaches out to grab a very dazed San’s arm. 
Your tongue suddenly feels heavy in your mouth, but you manage to stumble out, “I, I uh, have to just organize this,” you point at the ambiguous mess of sticky notes and laminated graphs decorating the idea board. Wooyoung pays your discomposure no mind and tells you to hurry, pulling San out of the conference room in a rush. Through the glass, you catch San’s unfair and startled expression, one that looked like it had yet a lot of things to say, making you laugh lightly.
When he disappears down the hall, out of view, your fingers travel up to touch your tingling lips, searching for San’s lips that were just there. Your entire body feels like it’s on fire, and you stand up to shake it off.
The floor was decorated to the nines. With the tables moved out, sparkling streamers were suspended from the windows, and the balloons trail along the corners. A congratulatory banner hung on the wall next to even more balloons. For added measure, a disco ball brought in by another employee. The floor shimmered golden and silver from the decorations. 
Throughout the rest of the night, your cheeks grow sore with how often and widely you’re smiling. You catch San’s eyes often as he stands, deep in conversation with Wooyoung across the floor. He looks into your eyes and smiles wider. 
Some time later, as you’re pouring yourself a glass of punch, San makes his way to you. “Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” you respond with a cheery smile.
“Oh, just the people I was looking for!” Ms. Daisy shrieks in her heavy accent, walking to you with quick steps. “Have you tried the punch? How’s it tasting? I should try to stay away from the alcohol, but you know me.” She temporarily stops her thoughts for a moment, eyeing the two of you up and down. “Oh, you both look like such darlings tonight!” she adds, before starting up again. 
Hiding your hands behinds San’s, you shyly reach out to intertwine your fingers with his as Ms. Daisy continues on. This time, he immediately tightens his hold, and you momentarily look down at your hands with a yet another smile. The touch feels electric, yet somehow, you’re not overwhelmed by it. His warm hand calms your quickening heartbeat, and you pray he doesn’t let go for the rest of the night.
For some more time, you stick by each other’s sides, conversing and enjoying the night. More and more people start filling the floor, and when San leaves to refill your glass of punch, you notice the chairman and board of directors among them. 
“I think they’re lumping in the promotion announcement right now,” Ms. Daisy tells you excitedly, finding you again when she spots the group herself. 
You keep your eyes on the group and watch them hug and congratulate Lushpin. As if they’d known each other for years, they fall into an easy conversation at a table, and from across the room, you watch them silently. When the chairman rises out of his seat with his glass in hand, your heartbeat quickens. 
“I’d like to make an announcement!” the chairman starts. When the commotion has come to a stop and only the music can be heard, he points his glass towards Lushpin, “This man has been with our company for decades and my friend for decades more. He’s helped to get us where we are today, and for you, Lenny Lushpin, the boys and I will be eternally thankful.”
From beside you, you hear Wooyoung groan quietly, “Bet you’re wishing you’d gotten your hands on some that good alcohol now, huh?”
With a smile, you shake your head. You’d listen to this over and over again just to get to the end one more time. When the compliments start running out, the chairman clears his throat, “I think we all know there’s a promotion in place?” Some light laughter trickles through the crowd. 
“We’ve been watching their progress closely. We’ve known this person to be a hard-worker, and we want them to know that this effort of theirs has not gone unnoticed by us,” he gestures to the other standing executives. “They’ve shown their capabilities and contributions to their team especially during the preliminary aspects of this project. They’ve been a guiding light and have given us a great advantage early into the year of 2024.”
You look for San on the crowded floor. He hadn’t come back to your side since he’d left to refill your punch. You wanted to look at him while your name was called. In that moment, it didn’t matter that you weren’t completely self-assured or only just slightly better than the old you. It didn’t matter that your scars hadn’t healed completely, and you weren’t perfect. You finally find him tucked behind Lushpin and look directly at him, standing on your toes, to get his attention.
San avoids your eyes. The chairman raises a toast, “To our new project manager and my beloved nephew, Choi San!”
Author's Note II: It's me again lol. What did you guys think? For those of you who made it this far, I want to ask if you prefer longer parts like this or if would you prefer shorter parts? Please let me know what you think! Much love <3
taglist: @rockstarsanie , @itza-meee
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Sunrise
soldier!san x soldier!reader
military dilf/milf agents working in the special forces au
word count: ~29k
genres and warnings: mostly angst, sometimes fluffy, smut (mdni), violence warnings, past trauma, blood and weapons, basically its war but san makes it better <3
synopsis: you and san are majors in the special forces, having trained together after your sector was occupied. you both work as partners in your team now, surviving through hell together and having each other's back. you think the idea of romance while being in the military is stupid for a number of reasons, but san thinks otherwise and decides to prove his point, making you question your beliefs.
manager-nim: @eightmakesonebraincell (we talked about ateez as military dilfs and this happened LOL)
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“I’ve had enough of grown men acting like children,” you muttered to yourself, trying to find the scissors in the box of instruments, shuffling them loudly and not realising you were holding your breath until the patient in front of you helped by picking the scissors right out as if they had been right there the entire time time. 
“What was that?”
You glared at the grown man you had referred to now having heard your complaint, a faint smirk crawling on his lips as if taunting you- and perhaps, he was. You were acting like a child too. You were feeling like a child ready to burst at him.
You said nothing, only cut the gauze and secured it around the wound you had just stitched. His eyes continued to bore holes into you and you continued to ignore it as you took the ointment and a cotton swab, applying it gently on his grazed cheekbone. 
“You’re clenching your jaw a bit too hard right now, Major Seo. You don’t want to end up being unable to sleep because your jaw hurts… again.”
Referring to the time you hurt your jaw- the only time you lost your footing even in your own memory. It made it on your Top Embarrassing Moments list, and he was a part of every item on that list. And the fact that your squad wouldn’t let you live it down made it worse. After all, you had lost your footing and bumped into a shelf because Major Choi caught your eye when he was taking off his jacket.
Major Choi San. Your squad member but probably your worst enemy too. 
“At least I didn’t cut my arm trying to run after a cat, Major Choi.”
“The cat might have stepped on a landmine-”
“The cats are not that dumb,” you put a bandage on his cheekbone and intentionally pressed it harder than you had to, making sure this jab hurt with the one you had made verbally- referring to the time he almost stepped on a landmine after drinking. He had been grounded for weeks after and you had enjoyed every bit of peace that followed. “We literally have a mission in two days, Major.”
“Ah, don’t tell me you care,” Major Choi scoffed out loud and you couldn’t help but glance around you, noticing very well how the other nurses were eyeing the two of you while they treated their patients. You understood them but at the same time, you didn’t. You understood that most of them found him intimidating and for all the right reasons. You didn’t (though that was questionable too) because you two had trained together since the very beginning. 
So, why did Major Choi refuse to be treated by anyone else other than you? Was it simply to get on your nerves? In that case, he should know he was already doing a good enough job. Or was it because you two were the only ones who were still here, still alive, after spending almost a decade on the field together? Or maybe it was because of that one time you both shared a traumatic experience-
You didn’t care enough, you told yourself. 
“Of course I care,” you began, wrapping up the sprawled instruments on the trolley. “I will have to do twice the amount of work without you. And my risk of dying increases by a solid 14 percent. Of course I’d rather have you on the team.”
Major Choi rolled his eyes, getting up and wearing his jacket again, watching you close the medical kits and roll the trolley to a corner, shaking his head in amusement when you flipped a finger at him and went ahead to report him. He followed right behind you, wondering how to bait you into not reporting to their leader at all.
“Major Seo,” he called but you ignored him, knowing that ‘pleading’ tone very well. “Major Seo… Pretty.”
You rolled your eyes so hard you felt a sharp pain go through your skull. He was always making something up with your last name ‘Seo’, adding adjectives so he could call you something like ‘so angry’ or ‘so bossy’. You hated it and it had been a mistake to react to it in the beginning because he never let it go again.
“Say something like that again and you’ll have me presenting an exaggerated report. You won’t be seeing sunlight for a while, Major.”
“So feisty,” he shook his head and you stopped, turning to glare at him and he realised then, shaking his head furiously. “I didn’t mean it like that. Promise.”
You sighed, tuning out his rambling and knocking at the squad leader’s door. When you heard the familiar clearing of his throat as an answer, you stepped inside and the two of you saluted in synchronisation until the man nodded.
“Sergeant Kim, reporting to you from Squad 8,” you called and the sergeant scoffed.
“Major Choi got in trouble again?”
“Yes, Sergeant,” Major Choi decided to speak for himself. “I was… saving a cat from a landmine.”
“How many times have I told you to leave the cats alone, Major?”
“17 times as of now, Sergeant!” Major Choi saluted and you stifled a smile. The Sergeant asked you to report the damage and you did- it wasn’t too bad but if you had to go on the mission tomorrow instead of the day after like planned, he wouldn’t be able to join.
“If we have to go to the field tomorrow,” Sergeant Kim concluded, “You’ll stay back.”
“But, Sergeant-”
“And we better have clean rooms and a fresh meal when we get back,” Sergeant Kim glared at him. “If we go the day after… then you can join.”
You felt the Major shift from one foot to another and were reminded of the boy he used to be- when he was still Choi San and not Major Choi- suddenly feeling nostalgic. Some habits never changed. The Major cleared his throat and saluted in answer and you followed, leaving to go back to your rooms. 
You both walked in silence as you approached the dorms and just as you were about to part ways, you heard Major Choi clear his throat and you spared a glance.
“I won’t be staying back, even if we have to go tomorrow,” his gaze was steel. “You, of all people, should know that.”
“I don’t want to risk bringing an injured squad member who could be a liability to the rest of us. You know that.”
The Major stifled a groan but before he could insist, you continued. “Do you remember the last time we took an injured member with us?”
His eyes flashed. “This is only a cut to my arm. It’s not something that will affect our mission.”
“Your aim could be affected. Whatever, there’s no point arguing with you,” you groaned, tired and ready to hit the bed and knock yourself out. “You’ll stay behind if we’re going tomorrow, end of the discussion.”
“We’ll see,” he said and you knew he meant that there was no way he wouldn’t join. You hoped Sergeant Kim, at least, wouldn’t give in to him tomorrow. You really could not lose another squad member just because they insisted on joining despite being injured, no matter how small the injury might be. 
So you did the only thing you could do- pray you wouldn’t have to go to the field tomorrow. But you knew that as a Major in the Special Forces, you always had to expect the worst. You did not have the luxury of hoping for a miracle. All you could do was pray and ignore the gnawing feeling in your gut which was answer enough.
And it was not like your prayers were answered because as you woke up at the crack of dawn, you noticed that it wasn’t as noisy as it used to be. Already knowing what was ahead, you wore your black and grey uniform and got ready, taking a few deep breaths in the room before straightening and stepping outside.
It was awfully empty too- none of the others from your squad or other squads exiting their rooms with puffy eyes or tired figures. When you heard the sound of a door opening, you turned to see your own squad member, Major Yu, looking as confused as you.
“Where are the others?” She asked.
“Exactly what I’m wondering,” you frowned. “Did they perhaps dispatch Squad 6 last night?”
“Not when I was awake,” she wiped the sleep from her eyes. “Let’s go. We might have to prepare for the mission today, it seems.”
With a sinking heart, you both decided to go to the Sergeant’s office first and just as you had thought, the mission had taken an unexpected turn last night. The secret operation the other squads had been on for the past few days had been discovered and Squad 6 had been dispatched to help them, but they needed to change shifts now. 
“It’s getting uglier- the enemy won’t let them go so easily,” Sergeant Kim said. “We’re carrying out our operation in 3 hours from now, so prepare for it. Make no mistakes- but first… eat breakfast. I don’t want any of you looking pale because you didn’t eat.”
Major Yu smiled at that and the two of you saluted, about to exit when you turned. “Major Choi San insists on joining the operation.”
“He’s ready to go,” the Sergeant shook his head and you gaped at him. “He got up quite early today. As if he knew.”
Indeed, you spotted him in the cafeteria gulping down his breakfast as if he was short on time when he looked as prepared as one could be, dressed in his gear and loaded with weapons. You rolled your eyes, taking your tray of food to sit at the table next to him.
“All this effort. Did you change your bandages?”
The Major stopped in the middle of stuffing his face with rice. “Uh… I thought I had to change it later?”
“You’re going to the field, you fool,” you couldn’t believe it. “What are you gonna do, ask me to change your bandage when we’re getting fired at from every direction?”
“Oh, but you’d do that for me, won’t you?” He teased and you pretended to throw up, Major Yu laughing at the two of you as she joined you. “Don’t worry. We can get the bandage changed now. I’ll undress for you-”
“And, there he is,” Major Yu sighed. “I really wonder what you’ve got against this poor girl, Major Choi. You should go to the medical ward- we have to prepare too.”
“Then the bandages can wait-”
“Ugh, okay, I’ll change them for you, we don’t want them infected,” you muttered, already feeling done for the day. He always had to be so stubborn. You simply did not have the time to entertain him. You had things to do- but first, you would change his bandages so he could get off your back and let you prepare in peace.
You had to admit- you were slightly amused to see him struggle unloading himself and taking off all the complicated belts and ropes before finally being able to take off his shirt so you could inspect his upper arm. You shook your head. “That’s what you get for being over-efficient. You could have waited until I woke up, but no. You had to be present before any of your squad members.”
“I knew you were not going to let me go, so I did what I had to.”
Even though working in the Special Forces had turned your heart to rock, it still fluttered whenever the man in front of you looked at you funny or said something like this. However, your face didn’t reveal any of it and you prayed he wasn’t observant enough to notice. 
“Well, I can’t stop you now,” you sighed in relief to see he was healing up well. “Be careful not to rip your stitches. I’ll be carrying a kit so if you feel like something is wrong, you need to tell me before it gets worse, okay?”
“Yes, boss.”
“And stop being so casual with me,” you glared at him before taping a new bandage to his arm and securing it well this time. 
“I literally called you ‘boss’,” Major Choi chuckled to himself. You poked your tongue in your cheek as you glared at him- or tried to, but his eyes curving when he laughed always put a smile on your own face. He noticed that and said, “You’re allowed to smile.”
“Whatever,” you chuckled. “Be careful out there, okay? We’re marching to Sector 1. It cannot get any more dangerous than that.”
“I know,” his tone grew grim and you knew you were both recalling the life-threatening situation you faced the last time you were there- about two years ago. “You’ll have my back, won’t you?”
“And you’ll have mine,” you said and he nodded. “Let’s all come back alive, okay?”
It was always like this between you two- especially after that incident a couple years ago. You two may tease each other to death and be out for each other like enemies but you trusted each other the most out of anyone else. Time and time again, you both proved what being a team meant. The Major got up and opened his mouth as if to say something but shook his head instead, and you resisted the urge to ask him to finish his thought, instead saying you’ll join him in the office after getting ready and went to prepare for the operation in your room.
It was a mechanical process now- gearing up in your uniform which was so black you would become one with the shadows, docking up on layers and ropes and packing your bag with all the necessities- a medical kit, some food rations, water, your radio and all the necessary equipment. Lastly, you hid weapons everywhere on yourself where you could, the only visible ones the guns around your belt and a sniper hanging by your shoulder.
You went to the office and found Major Kang and Major Choi Jongho already present, chatting with Major Yu. Your squad- and naturally, the rest started referring to Major Choi Jongho as ‘Major CJ’ which started as a joke first until it wasn’t anymore. You settled down near them and said hello, joining in the conversation- Major Yu detailing the events of the morning to them.
“So I genuinely thought someone had died, or worse, because it hasn’t been this silent around here since the time Major Han said she found Sergeant Kim attractive out loud,” Major Yu said and Major Kang burst into his trademark giggle that made everyone around him laugh. “So I found her looking as confused as me and she had that funny look on her face- you know the one she makes when she either has no idea what’s going on or when Major Choi says something weird-”
You rolled your eyes. Major Yu had to be the most laid back person in your squad and sometimes you wished she wasn’t so observant. “Whatever Major Choi does doesn’t affect me.”
“He literally makes you almost cry, but okay, we can pretend we don’t see that,” Major CJ said and the others grinned at you giving them the side-eye. 
“Where’s he now, anyway?” You wondered. “He was up and ready so early that I’m wondering if he went to bed like that-”
“And of course you wonder how I go to bed,” Major Choi said, entering the room and having heard the last part, making you wonder how he always managed to appear at the worst possible timing. “I had to do what I had to.”
“Still, I think it’s too much,” Major Kang shook his head. “We don’t take injured people to the field. You know the rules.”
“But this mission requires my presence- everyone’s presence. We’re all going in, whether you guys like it or not.”
“Alright,” you shrugged. “If you become a liability, we’ll leave you on the field and return. At least my nurse duties will decrease by half.”
“And I’d have the room to myself!” Major Kang cheered and Major CJ grinned. Major Choi, however, was sulking deeper with every passing minute and Major Yu poked his elbow right where you had stitched it, making him scowl and you wondered if she did it on purpose. 
“Ay, you know we wouldn’t do that to you,” she assured him. “But you have to admit, the thought of having one less person to write reports about is very tempting to me-”
“Please,” Major Choi groaned out loud and you silently laughed, knowing they were all trying to raise his spirits before the mission because he was the type to get very serious before going to the field.
A few moments later, Sergeant Kim and Major Han arrived in the office and all of you got up and saluted your leader before he settled down with you, now forming a little circle so he could look all of you in the eyes as he instructed you and shared the details. 
“I’m happy to see all of you present and healthy,” Sergeant Kim glared at Major Choi who pretended to be interested in the very boring ceiling all of a sudden. “We’re leaving in exactly 30 minutes from now and we will be on standby at the border of Sector 1 before we go in to extract Squad 7. Squad 5 will take care of Squad 6 so if you come across anyone from Squad 6, you will take them with you but alert 5 before you take another step, is that understood?”
“Yes, Sir!” Everyone said in unison.
“Just like always, we’re splitting into teams- I’m leading with Delta and Sierra as Team 1,” Sergeant Kim referred to Major Kang and Major Yu who straightened and nodded. “Fox and Victor as Team 3, Charlie and Echo as Team 2.”
You being Echo and Charlie being Major Choi- you met eyes for a moment before nodding. Sergeant Kim continued, “If the two of you require assistance, you will call either Fox or Victor,” he referred to Major Han and Major CJ. “And if they cannot join you, then Delta or Sierra will. You’re at the heart of the operation, though, so be careful, okay?”
“Okay,” Major Choi’s grip on his rifle tightened- something that went unobserved by most but then again, you were familiar with every movement of his body. 
“And lastly,” Sergeant Kim sighed- you all knew how much he hated delivering the final instruction which was- “If any of you is indisposed, you all know the rules. Our first priority is making sure the mission succeeds- and this time, it’s to extract Squad 7 who hold important data with them. Help will come later, till then… you’ll be on your own. May the fates be with you.”
A collective sigh went through the room- it wasn’t because of the fear of being indisposed, but the fear someone else would be and you would have to leave them behind. That was the hardest part. Sergeant Kim got up. “You are allowed to request backup, remember that. I will be back in 30- check each other’s gears.”
The half an hour passed by in a flurry of light jokes, assuring taps, fixing some part of the gear and then waiting until Sergeant Kim arrived in gear and the seven of you proceeded to move to the basement where three cars waited for you with additional soldiers. You and Major Choi got inside your car and travelled in silence for the rest of the way, watching the expanse of barren fields until you reached the border of Sector 1. You leaned a bit to see the silhouette of buildings that were at the heart of Sector 1- a city that had once bloomed with life, now dead and infiltrated with terrorists. 
The city that had once been your home- and Major Choi’s, who was also staring into the distance with glazed eyes.
You proceeded to turn on the radio setup and connect it with the rest of the teams while Major Choi lazily cleaned his guns, sighing deeply in between. Once you were done testing your radios, you relaxed back and he finally spoke.
“Do you think we would have come across each other if Eden hadn’t attacked our home?”
You blinked at the sudden and personal question- another unusual thing from Major Choi today- you didn’t like being personal during a mission and he knew it. But the way you both had been stealing glances at what was once your home, you supposed curiosity got the better of him.
“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Maybe? At some point of our life? Sector 1 isn’t too big.”
“I sometimes wonder if we were fated to meet each other,” he mused. “From being homeless to finding a place in the army- we have been together for a while, haven’t we?”
You pursed your lips- it still stung whenever you recalled the dark times. “Do you sometimes wonder what it would have been like if we didn’t make it in the army?”
“All the time,” he admitted, sounding grim. “But we… We kept each other in check. We still do.”  You smiled at that and he joined, whispering, “We’ve kept each other alive.”
“Or maybe you have been stupid enough to not let me die- not without you,” you pointed out. “I still wonder what went through your head that one time you disobeyed all orders, risked your title and stayed back for me when I was indisposed.”
“But you did the same for me so many times,” he cocked his head. “You’ve risked your life for me more times than I can count.”
“We do that for everyone in our team,” you reminded him, though you knew he saw right through you. “We disobey orders all the time. I’m surprised they haven’t shuffled us around yet. Also, can you stop being sentimental right before a life-threatening mission?” You couldn’t help it and you both laughed. “There’s a time for everything, Major Choi San.”
He raised a brow at the way you called his name and you looked away- you could never meet his gaze long enough. Luckily, the radio sounded with your leader’s voice instructing you all to get out and walk on foot to the base in Sector 1 with your designated members and routes. You bumped fists with Major Choi before securing each other’s helmets, getting off the car and following the familiar barren road to the outskirts of the town, careful to avoid eyes but glad it was very hazy today.
The two of you walked in sync until you reached the abandoned hospital which was your station. You took the lead, he provided cover and you entered the building, inspecting it thoroughly as you made way to the 4th floor and took out the binoculars to monitor any sort of activity and help Sergeant Kim’s team get to the heart of the city. A few hours passed like that, mostly in silence, occasional comments or instructions passed through the radio, and you almost, almost relaxed until a loud blast shook you to the core, making you both instinctively duck down and cover each other, trying not to lose your footing as the ground beneath your feet rumbled.
A whistle rang in your ear and you took a few deep breaths- it wasn’t the first time you experienced a blast up close but it always made your heart sink in the worst possible way. You felt Major Choi squeezing your shoulder- you were alright. He was alright. You motioned okay at him and he peeked up from the window to inspect the damage and you followed after a moment. The six-story building that had been two streets away from you was now turning into rubble. 
“That is Squad 6’s station,” you said. “Squad 7 might have been in there. We should move.”
Major Choi nodded and spoke on his radio. “Alpha- you heard that?”
“Loud and clear,” Sergeant Kim’s voice sounded grim. “Do not move right now. You’re the closest- you might meet trouble on the way. Wait for my instruction.”
“Copy that,” he replied and you both decided to move up another floor and see if you could spot the enemy somewhere. You did- a couple of men in cloaks leaving from the West Exit and you alerted Team 3 who went to inspect as per your instructions.
“We have about 20 minutes until it gets dark, and then you can inspect the damage to Squad 6’s station while on your way to the enemy’s base,” Sergeant Kim ordered. “We have retrieved two of Squad 7’s members. Team 3?”
“We have retrieved three of Squad 6’s members,” Major CJ reported. “That leaves one member from each team- Squad 6 here says they were last seen near the enemy base.”
“Team 2 will take care of it then,” the Sergeant concluded. “Meet me at the North Exit, Victor and Fox. We’ll take care of the enemy there.”
“Copy that,” the rest of you reported and you prayed silently that everyone would make it back alive. Meanwhile, Major Choi offered you a sandwich from his bag and you ate it while you kept watch, thankful that your station still hadn’t been exposed to the enemy.
As soon as the sun set, you put on your night vision goggles and started following Major Choi out, hands gripping the rifle. You both trod like cats- silent and alert. You reached the rubble of what was once Squad 6’s base in a few minutes and searched for any signs of life but found none. 
“They must be around the enemy base somewhere then,” you said. “Let’s follow their last location.”
Your partner agreed and you both walked in silence yet again, hiding behind walls and rubble until you could spot the enemy base in your vision, noticing a few men walking around it, probably on guard duty. 
“What if they’re held hostage?” You asked.
“Our mission is to extract them wherever they are,” Major Choi reminded. “We can request backup.”
“Let’s inspect the area first and then create a distraction before we move inside,” you suggested and he agreed.
All your senses felt heightened as you parted ways- mostly because you felt a bit defenceless that he wasn’t providing cover like he usually did. All you could think about was remaining alert and not missing anything, and you counted seconds until you spotted the Major again and joined him, containing in your sigh of relief because the mission wasn’t over yet.
“Request backup?” You asked.
“I’ll ask them to meet us right here after we’re done extracting the agents,” he said and you nodded, watching him speak into his radio while you tightened your gloves, buzzing with eagerness to get this mission done and over with. The two of you went through interconnected buildings and doorways until you stood outside a door in the basement of one of the buildings that connected inside the enemy base- some path they probably hadn’t learned about, if you were lucky, since they had quite recently changed bases. You were about to break the door when the Major grabbed your wrist-
Quite gently, you noticed.
“If things go south, you know what to do, right?”
You scoffed. “Who are we kidding, Major? We were never ones to obey orders- at least not from each other.”
Major Choi groaned loudly, almost in amusement. “If things go south, you will call for an immediate backup request, not wait for me and make your way out, is that clear?”
You did not like being talked to in that tone so you snatched your wrist and poked his chest with your gloved finger. “The last time I told you this… don’t even get me started.”
You both stared at each other, none of you giving in, his eyes locked on yours- the only thing you could see with the masks and the helmets. Your finger was still poking into his chest and he finally sighed, taking your hand in his and drawing it away. You swallowed the lump in your throat and shook your head. “If things look bleak, let’s not make them worse, okay?”
“Okay,” his voice was laced with amusement and you glared at him.
“I won’t be surprised if we have to change partners soon.”
“I won’t let them,” Major Choi promised. “You’re the only one I trust.”
“What did I tell you about not being sentimental during missions?” You broke the door, grimacing at the loud sounds that rang through the basement. “Let’s move, Charlie.”
“Got you, Echo,” he patted your back and you both stepped into the darkness, wearing your goggles again.
Every sound from that point on caught your attention. You could hear the Major’s breathing so you trained your ears to ignore it and focus on the other sounds. You walked along the path that only got narrower with each step and waited a few moments at the door which was the entrance inside the enemy base, letting the Major do his thing and check for any signs of life with his equipment.
“Empty room,” he whispered. “Go.”
You nodded and began unlocking the door with a set of pins, humming when it clicked in place and you opened the door- or tried to, since it was blocked. Major Choi helped you push it until the gap was big enough for you two to pass through and you carefully stepped inside.
“You remember the layout?” You asked and he nodded. “This must be the only storage room in the basement. Where do you reckon they would keep their hostages?”
“In the basement… in the cells. If not, they’ve defected.”
“Unless-”
“Unless that’s their strategy,” he completed and you nodded, glad your partner was one to follow his instinct and heart instead of the book, which if you were honest simply did not have a few principles right. “Let’s inspect the cells first.”
“You ready?”
Major Choi mirrored your motions- adjusting his guns and fixing the daggers in his sleeves. “Let’s get the party started.”
After that, it was a flash of blood and screams as you both exited the storage room, exterminating any enemy in sight until you reached the cells and found one of your agents inside, a bloody mess himself. You broke his chains and asked his name and when he said his codename ‘Bravo’, you were glad he was in his senses.
“Where’s Agent Oscar?” You asked and he shook his head.
“They might have taken him for questioning- I heard the guards talk.”
You clenched your jaw- this was going to get messier then, especially with the Major already firing at the incoming stream of enemy guards. “You can walk?”
“Yes,” he said and you accompanied him to the storage room, the Major providing cover. You instructed Agent Bravo to follow the path to the exit where backup would arrive in a few minutes, handed him a loaded gun and secured the door after him. You joined the Major who had just finished with a fresh wave of guards.
“They’re onto us. Let’s make it quick. I’ll shell them.”
You nodded and you took the lead this time, taking the stairs and firing at anyone who was unfortunate enough to get in your way and you made your way up another flight after inspecting the rooms on the ground level. Thankfully, you and Major Choi only had minor scratches and grazes right now- nothing that kept you from moving forward.
You took a sharp turn but got pulled back as a bullet passed, missing you by a fraction. You spared a glance at Major Choi who gave you a warning look and you heard what he meant loud and clear- ‘be careful’. Before you could continue, he took the lead and you provided cover, letting him guide you both to the end of the hallway where he turned-
And found himself faced with 5 guns pointed at his head. You were outnumbered.
You paused as well, a couple of guards aiming their own gun at you from the other end. You clicked your tongue twice and your partner understood, raising his hands in surrender and you followed suit- but what the enemy did not know was that you had learned a few magic tricks when you were little. You never thought you’d use them in the military, but here you were, a grenade rolling down the hallway out of nowhere and you clicked your fingers.
Three.
The guards shouted and you rolled another grenade with a tap of your feet, the others wondering where the hell it appeared from when your own hands had been raised as long as the Major’s. 
Two.
Major Choi watched one of the guards point his guns at Agent Oscar who said a silent prayer as he looked up at the ceiling. 
One.
You smirked to yourself, clicking your tongue again. The guards in front of you took cover while the ones in the room shouted at each other, trying to come up with an escape plan now that the grenade was right at their feet but failing.
Zero.
You and Major Choi switched positions in a flash and while he covered you with his body, you shot at the 5 men in a series while the grenade behind you burst. Unfortunately, one of them managed to shoot at you and the bullet landed in your calf though your reaction only lasted a few seconds. You felt the Major’s body shake against yours as rubble fell on the two of you. You ignored the pain burning though your entire body and glanced up, sighing in relief when you saw that Oscar was fine.
“We’re exiting from the window,” Major Choi got up and started planting the hook to the wall and dropped the rope down the building, groaning when he spotted movement outside the building too. He aimed at them with his rifle and got rid of them while you took care of any approaching guards, finding a few moments of peace.
“We’re sliding down first- he can’t walk properly,” Major Choi had noticed Oscar’s mutilated leg. “You’ll follow after I give the signal, okay?”
“Okay,” you breathed heavily.
“You good?” He scanned you, noticing the blood dripping down. You nodded but he made quick work of pulling a piece of cloth from his bag and tying it around your leg, securing the bullet inside, the pain dimming since it wouldn’t jab with every movement you made now. Oscar stood watch in the meanwhile, inquiring about the rest of his squad and you told him they were extracted, which made his eyes fill with life again.
“Let’s move,” Major Choi called Oscar and you went back to covering for them while they escaped through the window. You sighed in relief when your radio sounded to alert you that they had made it to the ground safely but the relief didn’t last long as a bunch of guards came in your vision and you hid.
“Come down, now,” Major Choi called and you took a deep breath, knowing you would have to jump a good distance since you didn’t have enough time to simply slide down the rope all the way down. As if Major Choi had read your thoughts, he was there to cushion your jump and the three of you disappeared inside the alleyway, trying to navigate back to the spot where backup would be waiting. 
However, luck was not on your side tonight. One moment you were jogging to the building in front of you and the next, the three of you were thrown into the air, the bright fire blinding you momentarily despite your protective goggles. For a few seconds, all you did was stare at the sky, wondering if you had died or if the sky was simply so cloudy that not a single star could be seen. It wasn’t until you heard a familiar groan that you came back to your senses and crawled towards your partner.
“San- Are you okay?” You managed to ask- he seemed to have hit his head somewhere, blood trickling down his forehead.
“I’m good,” he exhaled. “Oscar?”
Oscar didn’t respond and you panicked, crawling desperately towards the limp figure and found his pulse growing fainter. You began dragging him with Major Choi to the nearest cover- a big chunk of cement and you stopped, out of breath. You took off your mask and checked your radio but it had broken. You muttered a series of curses, throwing your helmet away in anger while you planned your escape.
“Take Oscar with you to the basement- backup will be waiting,” you hoisted yourself up so you could lean against the rock. “I’ll join you.”
Major Choi narrowed his eyes, taking off his own mask. “You can’t walk, can you?”
“I don’t think I can right now, but I’ll be fine- I’ll be following close, I just need to catch my breath,” you coughed, mouth very dry. “Go, now. I can hide.”
“I’ll come back for you-”
“Don’t you dare,” you seethed. “It’s already been a bad day. Just take Oscar to the backup and wait for me there- do not send anyone else.”
“I won’t leave you in this state,” Major Choi announced- a plain and simple statement.
“Just go,” you begged. “Our mission won’t be complete until we deliver Oscar back. I’ll be fine- no one will come and check in here for a while. I’ll hide elsewhere.”
Major Choi looked conflicted, glancing back and forth between you and Oscar until you nudged his thigh with your boot. He crawled towards you, throwing off his helmet and your hand instinctively went to inspect his injury, sighing internally when you found it wasn’t as bad as you thought. 
What surprised you was him locking his forehead with yours as he said, “I promise I’ll be back.”
Before you could respond in any way, he had drawn back and was dragging Oscar, navigating through the rubble and meeting your eyes, pointing towards north. You understood and made a note to yourself to kill him if you made it out of here alive tonight. For now, you were going to hide in the rubble and watch them until they were out of sight. As soon as they were out of your vision, you relaxed and sat back down-
And heard the most horrible sound of gunshots in the direction Major Choi had gone- so horrible that your entire being shook. You immediately stood up and took out your binoculars to try and see if you could spot them but it was no use. 
You sat back down, looking up at the dark sky- where had it all gone wrong? It was like they were prepared, like they knew you were coming. Was there a rat in your base? Or was it obvious that the Special Forces never left their agents in the enemy’s hands? Were they expecting you because they knew you so well now?
You were glad it was so dark that the tears in your eyes didn’t blur your vision- there wasn’t anything to see anyway so you blindly started crawling towards north, staying as low as possible- you weren’t sure you could walk without limping now anyway. You went from hiding behind one chunk of rubble to another, checking your watch and knowing you didn’t have much time until someone would come to check if you made it out alive. 
After crawling endlessly, you checked your watch- it took you about forty minutes to simply reach the end of the destruction the blast had caused. You hid under a rock yet again, out of breath and with trembling hands you took out your bottle from the bag and drank a few sips, storing the rest for later in case you needed it. You could see your surroundings now thanks to the faint glow of streetlights in the distance and wondered if you should inspect your wound- Major Choi had done a good job of binding it. You decided to let it be and rest for a few minutes before moving forwards.
Forwards. For how long? You were already feeling groggy. Your eyes were twitching and you weren’t sure if you could remain awake if you weren’t moving.
So you decided to move. You prayed Major Choi would come back for you and disobey every order because only then you could know he was alive. For once, you wanted him to come back, because if he died-
You heard footsteps and you aimed your gun at the source, seeing the silhouette of someone walk, almost limp in your direction- the walk looked strangely familiar-
You lowered your gun when the outlines of his body became visible- it was Major Choi. He was alive-
“I searched for you everywhere,” Major Choi whispered harshly as he crouched down and a whimper escaped your mouth as he crushed you in a hug. “I thought I lost you, y/n.”
You shivered due to a number of reasons- he hadn’t called you by your name in a very, very long time. The last time he did was to wake you up when you both had been hostages together and even that had been years ago. The last time he hugged you was a memory you had almost forgotten too-
Not forgotten. Pushed in the deepest part of your memory so it wouldn’t come to you at unexpected times.
You were amazed by how awake you felt now that his arms were around you, his hand in your hair keeping your face tucked in the crook of his neck. You sighed deeply, your uneven breaths synchronising. You tugged at his shirt and perhaps, it was a wrong move. Perhaps he was suddenly aware of the position you were in because he pulled back-
You didn’t want him to pull back.
“I-” you cleared your throat. “I heard the gunshots- are you okay? Where’s Oscar?” You heard him suck in his breath when your hand touched his arm as you were drawing back and you touched the spot again, finding it wet and sticky-
Blood.
“What happened?”
“They must have spotted us- they fired. The first one hit Oscar in the head. I’m sorry-”
“But you’re okay?” You asked. “Only this?”
“Yeah, but we lost Oscar-” his voice shook and you put your hands on his.
“It’s okay,” you assured him. “Oscar might not have made it anyway- his pulse was very faint after the blast. You’re okay- god, I thought they got you, San, I really thought they did-”
You felt his body language shift after you called his name and you wondered just how much you both missed normal physical contact, normal human interactions since only the sound of your names on each other’s lips was making you react- perhaps even more than the casual displays of affection. You shook your head, willing yourself to focus. “What do we do?”
“Our retreat spot is compromised,” Major Choi said, “I think we should head to safety first before we come up with a plan or try to revive your radio. Mine got lost.”
“Okay,” you breathed. “Where to?”
“North, I think,” he sighed. “We mentioned north quite a few times today to the squad. They should get the hint and find us there.”
“They should,” you agreed and he got up. You followed but stumbled on your feet and he caught your arm right on time. 
“Can you walk?”
“Let me try,” you said, looking around before taking a step and biting your lips so harshly it almost drew blood- the pain in your leg was burning you at this point. “I think I’ll be fine… after a few steps.”
“You don’t look fine… Major.”
You glared at him, taking another step and this time unable to control the hiss of pain. He tsk-ed. “Get on my back- it’ll save us time.”
“I’m sorry but you’re not in the best shape either,” you pointed out. “And there’s no way I’m getting on your back-”
“Major, now is not the time for the little game we play of who makes it out in better shape,” he took a step forward and you instinctively took one back, making him groan. “Get on my back- don’t make me carry you like a princess.”
“Fine,” you gave up, “You better run then. There’s no way they wouldn’t spot us.”
With that, you hopped on his back and he hooked his arms under your legs. Silently, he carried you all the way towards the north, never stopping to catch his breath though you could see he was struggling- after all, he was tired too. When you could see the North Exit gate, you motioned for him to go to find someplace to hide- there would surely be enemy prowling here after Team 1’s successful mission. So the Major finally slowed down and turned in an alley and you helped yourself down.
“I don’t think we should risk going inside one of these,” he said, glancing at the abandoned structures of what had to be houses or shops once. “We should wait until sunrise before we try something. Let’s hide somewhere- come on.”
He took your hand and you both trod silently, sticking to the walls until you found a spot where it looked like whoever cared had collected rubble there to keep the rest of the city clean. A shed roof lay on the floor, twisted, and you pointed towards it. San helped you walk towards it and you finally collapsed on the ground under it, stifling a groan. Now that you allowed yourself to relax, the weariness was catching up and making your head spin.
Major Choi didn’t miss it- he immediately dug into his bag and handed you his bottle and two of the sandwiches he still had left. You asked him to conserve the water, glad you had your own bottle and took the sandwich, though the overwhelmingness of everything was making you nauseous.
“Can I inspect your wound?” Major Choi asked. You shook your head. 
“I don’t think I can be quiet if you try to extract the bullet- I think… I think I’ve lost a lot of blood,” you gulped, patting your trousers and finding them wet. “I shouldn’t sleep tonight.”
“I’ll make sure you don’t,” he took a deep breath and you could see the worry on his face even in the very faint light. “Someone should find us in the morning.”
“You’re okay, aren’t you? Anything odd you’re feeling?”
“Just the dull pain now,” he admitted. 
“You shouldn’t have come back, Major,” you chuckled, finishing the sandwich and urging him to eat his. He shook his head, offering it to you and you grabbed it only to stuff it in his mouth, making him chuckle. “You should have stayed behind. I would have been fine- someone would have come in the morning.”
“You know me,” He finished the sandwich in two bites, drinking a sip of water. “I don’t like making it back alone.”
You clicked your tongue in disappointment. “It’s a wonder they haven’t fired you yet. It really is.”
“I could say the same for you,” he raised a brow, shifting so he could sit beside you, back resting against the shed roof. “You’re not any different from me.”
You didn’t answer, recalling the old times. For a few moments, you were both silent and then the Major tapped your thigh and you hummed to tell him you were still awake.
“Don’t fall asleep- keep talking,” he ordered and you sighed. 
“You’re better at talking. I’m better at listening.”
“Just keep talking, for heaven’s sake,” he shifted to be closer to you so your shoulders were touching now. “Don’t say anything out loud- only whisper so you don’t get thirsty.”
“Okay,” you coughed a little, clenching your eyes shut when you felt a fresh wave of pain consume you. You felt the Major’s bare hands snake in yours and you smiled faintly.
“You shouldn’t have joined the mission today. Things could have been very different.”
“We’ll talk about that when we get back,” he dismissed. “Tell me what you want to do when you get back.”
“Sleep,” you laughed a little and he grinned. “What’s the time?”
“Almost midnight.”
“Damn it,” you sighed deeply. “I don’t think I’ll make it-”
“No,” he squeezed your hand. “I’m with you. I’m not letting anything happen to you. I won’t lose you- not like this.”
“Whatever,” you shrugged though you had to admit you were pleased to hear it. “Wait- isn’t that what I said when we were held hostages in Eden?”
“You remember?” He asked. You two hadn’t talked about the events of those three very, very long nights you had spent as hostages in Eden’s territory. “I thought you deleted that memory or something- you never addressed it again.”
“It’s not a good memory,” you said.
“True… but some of my favourite memories are from those days,” he began. “I made it out alive solely because you refused to let me die.”
“Is that why you’re doing the same right now?” You asked.
“Maybe,” he said and you looked at your interlocked hands. “Maybe I like us as a team and don’t want to lose you. Maybe I like you even as a friend- after all, we’ve been together for so long, haven’t we?”
“Back when we were still a boy and a girl,” you recalled. “What happened to us… San?”
There it was. The unintentional squeeze of his hand. You glanced at him and he met your eyes.
“Do you like it when I call you by your name?”
“Don’t you, y/n?”
Something like butterflies in your stomach as his deep voice sounded made you suck in a breath. “Well then… should I call you San? At least for tonight? Just like the old times?”
“Just like the old times,” he smiled, looking ahead. “How did we get here?”
“We refused to let each other go because we were rivals back then, of sorts… I’d say we still are- but we’re better as a team than rivals, aren’t we?” You said and San agreed. “It would just be even better if you stopped being an ass to me in routine.”
“It’s because I love to see you all riled up,” he said, body shaking with laughter. “It’s so easy to rile you up.”
You yawned big and wide and San waited until you were done. “You with me?”
“I am,” you told him. “Tell me then- do you do it on purpose? Only let me treat your wounds? I’m not your personal nurse, you know.”
“You know my reason,” San muttered. “Otherwise you would have downright refused. You know, don’t you?”
“Because you don’t like to show your scars to anyone… And because I’ve seen every scar on your body since the beginning, haven’t I?”
“You’re the only one who looks without judgement,” he admitted. “You know I wasn’t always the best.”
“Look at you now!” you said dramatically. “The best of the best.”
“We are, as a team,” San pointed out. “You remember how bad we are when partnered with other members.”
“Ah, right,” you giggled and San looked at you in horror. “We don’t really coordinate with others, do we?”
“What is that sound you just produced,” San scoffed. “I wonder what other sounds you make, Major.”
“You want to find out?”
San looked away- how come you both had switched roles now? “Looks like the blood loss is really getting to your head now.”
“It is,” you admitted, sinking down a bit and resting your head on your partner’s shoulder, feeling him freeze for just a moment before he relaxed. “I don’t think I should talk anymore.”
“I’ll keep you awake with pain if I have to,” he promised and you grimaced- you had done the same to him once too. No doubt he would return the favour. “If I see you getting groggy, I’m going to press on the wound, you hear me?”
You almost cried- the pain was already too much, but you knew he was right. “Why are you being like this?”
“I would do this for anyone- I cannot let you die on my watch,” he announced. “Which reminds me- give me your radio.”
“Oh, right. Are you sure I’m not the only one suffering from blood loss?” You said which he ignored, crossing his legs as he started inspecting the radio remains. You lit your watch to provide him with better light and watched him twist wires and cut them with his teeth, attempting to revive it-
For a very small moment, the sound of static came through and you both almost rejoiced until it died down. You asked San to do whatever he just did again and he did but it wasn’t any use now. The radio was dead. 
You both slumped back to your original positions and this time you were the one who found San’s hand and squeezed it in assurance. “It’s okay. You’ll be fine.”
“We’ll be fine,” he sighed. “Stop considering yourself dead already. If you survived that moment when we were surrounded by seven guards earlier, you can survive the night too. Good work there, by the way.”
You grinned. “How did you know what I was planning? I was half worried you’d misunderstand the signal and get us all killed.”
“Oh please, when have I ever made that mistake?”
“Are we forgetting that one time when I was waving at you from a distance and you thought I was saying hi-” you paused when San chuckled.
“You were saying ‘get the hell away’, I know,” he shook his head. “I was just curious why.”
“You keep telling yourself that. The fact is, you made a mistake which got us both grounded for two weeks.”
“Yet here we are,” he scoffed. “Still a team. The best of the best.”
“Are we?” You thought out loud. “When we’re always at death’s door?”
“Well, let’s see,” San took a deep breath. “9 out of 10 missions are successful- that’s a pretty high rating for someone in Special Forces, don’t you think? And even if we’re compromised, we’ve never lost data. Even now, I retrieved the chip from Oscar,” he patted his pocket and you looked proud. “We just have to make it back alive now, so hang in there, alright?”
You were silent for a few moments, focusing on San absently caressing your hand and glancing at you a few times to make sure you were awake. You checked the time- there were still about 3 hours until sunrise.
San grunted in pain and you opened your eyes, realising you had almost dozed off. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he said but you noticed his eyes twitching. 
“How bad did you hit your head back then, Major Choi San?”
He rolled his eyes but you could tell it had to be something related to his head injury because his other injuries were minor. “I’m fine.”
“Can I see it? Properly?”
“I said I’m fine.”
And that’s how you knew he wasn’t. You shifted, ignoring the pain exploding through your leg as you put your injured leg over the Major’s to get half on top of him and access the other side of his head- the one you had noticed he kept away from your vision. San grabbed your wrists in an attempt to stop you but you glared at him, tski-ing in warning and he gave up, letting you inspect it.
It looked like a normal gash and it had stopped bleeding, so maybe it was a concussion. You sighed. “Are you feeling nauseous? Dizzy?”
“A little,” he admitted.
You pouted, going back to sitting next to him. “Looks like I’ll be the one keeping you awake for the night.”
He laughed to himself and you joined. “You’re making it sound like it's an awful task.”
“It is,” you rubbed your face. “Let’s not fall asleep, Choi San. Your turn to tell me what you would like to do when you go back.”
“Sleep,” he laughed and you poked his thigh. “Okay, I’d like to get a few days off. Should I get you some days off too?”
“What will we even do in our free time?” 
“We could go somewhere,” he looked at you. “Remember Sector 6?”
You didn’t expect him to bring up Sector 6. It was the one time you both almost crossed boundaries with each other- your squad had gotten a few days off and all of you decided to spend those days like ‘normal people’ in the ‘normal’ sector- the one known for its lively atmosphere. The town that never sleeps, it was called. Somehow, you and San strayed away from the rest of the team and had a night you would try to forget for the next few years, the one you were still trying to forget-
It wasn’t even anything much. You two had drank and danced in a club. You two had joked about getting hooked up except you two couldn’t stay away from each other even when you tried. Whenever you looked at someone, San would make some comment about what type of a person they were. You were ashamed to admit you did the same to him too- so you two only danced with each other- 
Only looked at each other. 
Something had changed after that. You couldn’t shake off the ghost of his hands on your waist, on your shoulders, a comfortable weight. You called each other by your names and it almost felt like you two were only civilians, friends who were flirting with each other. At one point, he had hugged you and told you that you were the best thing that happened to him, though you were pretty sure he forgot all about that the next day, since he claimed he remembered nothing- he wasn’t good with his drinks, so you believed him.
Until he brought it up again, now.
“Sector 6?” You scoffed. “Why would you want to go there again?”
“Do I really need a reason to relive that again?”
So cryptic. You tried to make sense of his words but you couldn’t.
“Well, if we live through tonight, might think about it then,” you said, trying not to recall the things you had said to San that night. Things you wished he really had forgotten. 
“Do you think we’ll live to see the sunrise?”
You glanced at San. He looked weary- perhaps, he really did need a break. You rarely ever saw him look weary. You did not like him with such low spirits. You only squeezed his hand and let the silence fall- you were both too tired to continue talking anyway, so you both resorted to tapping out morse code. It was nostalgic to talk that way, though all you were tapping was curses and ‘awake?’, it made you reminisce about your time together as agents. You supposed you would let the memories flash by- after all, you might really not live to see the sunrise. 
The two hours following had to be the longest of your life. Your fingers were tired from tapping to each other, but at least that meant you were alive. You would occasionally drink a sip of water or shake each other. Sometimes you would recall a funny memory and share a brief laugh. But by the end of it, you were both so groggy that you had to press into San’s now ripped stitches to make him wake up, earning a groan that was too loud for your liking. You also made him press on your wound and you cried this time. The pain was nowhere near dull.
You didn’t notice the sky getting lighter until the rays of sun hit your face and you looked at San who was almost dozing off. You shook him.
“Hey. We lived to see the sunrise.”
San opened his eyes, blinking a few times and you watched the sun cast shadows on the sharp angles of his face. His brown eyes looked warm as he smiled.
“We really did live to see the sunrise…”
You smiled, squeezing his hand. All you two had to do now was wait for a signal- there was this new kernel of hope in your heart that you would make it out alive now- even if backup never comes, you two would make it out alive somehow-
“I wish to see the rest of my sunrises with you too.”
You stopped in the middle of shuffling through your bag, not having the strength to meet his eyes- you recognised this tone of his voice so well you knew how he would be looking at you anyway. However, you couldn’t help the smile creeping up on your face and you took out your medical kit, finally having enough light and the newfound energy to do something about San’s wounds at least. 
“That’s… not something you should be saying to me. You do not wish to see the rest of your sunrises with your partner in Special Forces, Major.”
“And if I do?”
You finally looked at him, narrowing your eyes. “I think I should have done something about your wounds earlier. You’re in a worse state than I am, and I am the one who got hit by a goddamn bullet.”
San chuckled, unbuttoning his shirt and letting you take care of his stitches- he knew you were doing it not because it was necessary but because you would have something to focus on. Perhaps you were dizzy for a different reason now, in which case…
“You think I don’t mean it?”
“Major Choi San,” you warned-
“Look at me, y/n,” he called and you sighed deeply, finishing cleaning his wound and then meeting his eyes, your heart sinking at the way he was gazing at you. “You know I don’t lie. You know that. Everything that I say… I mean it. I really, really do wish we’ll be together for a long time.”
“You like working as a team that much?” You tried joking but he shook his head, his hand finding yours and snaking up to caress your wrist. You gulped, finally looking at him and the two of you just stared at each other for a few moments.
“Whatever’s going on in your head… don’t say it. Not now.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t think I’ll be able to make logical decisions right now,” you muttered, taking your hand away from him with immense willpower. 
If you expected San’s spirits to lower, he was smirking too hard for that right now. “So that means there is something, isn’t it? How long are we going to pretend we don’t like each other like that?”
“San-”
You heard the familiar sound of a high pitched frequency and turned towards the source, San getting up immediately and taking a look around, spotting a black flag raised in the air- backup.
“Finally,” you groaned in relief. “Help me up.”
“Finish your thoughts first,” San hovered over you and you rolled your eyes, knowing there was no way out of this.
“God, you’re insufferable,” you laughed, raising your hand and he helped you up, purposely pulling you to him so you bumped into his chest and you smacked it. “I think you’re the most annoying person in my life, but I like you anyway.”
“Perhaps you’re right- must be the blood loss speaking,” he couldn’t believe his ears. Normally, you would have pointed your gun at him and threatened to blow his brains out if he ever said something like that. “Let’s talk about it when we get back. For now… thank you for being alive, y/n.”
“Thank you for coming back for me too, San,” you felt way too emotional all of a sudden. “I really thought something happened to you when I heard the gunshots- I just… thank you.”
The Major brought a hand to your face and caressed it as if it was something he did every other day. He planted a lingering kiss to your forehead and you bit the inside of your cheek to contain the sigh that threatened to leave your mouth. He simply smiled when he met your eyes as he drew back and motioned for you to follow him.
—---------------------
Your team leader allowed you to rest first before he came to check on you both in the evening, looking scarier than ever, especially having caught you both with ‘stupid snacks’ like he used to refer to them, giggling like kids with the rest of your team.
“Major Choi and Major Seo,” he called and your grins fell. Major Yu attempted to hide the lollies but was interrupted by Major Kang, who had tried doing the same which just made them roll dramatically on the floor until they hit the Sergeant’s boot. His frown got deeper especially when Major CJ chuckled out loud and Major Han slapped his arm to shut him up.
“The two of you-” he began, taking a deep breath. “How the hell did you make it back alive this time? I think I'd better like you dead now.”
Major Kang snorted. San cleared his throat. “Major Seo kept me alive!”
“Major Choi kept me alive!” You responded and he groaned.
“I don’t care who kept whom alive- you need to present a full report to me right now. There’s something I need to check. The rest of you- out.”
The team left with a series of grunts and more than one ‘boomer’ thrown at the Sergeant which earned them a threatening (but playful) raise of fist in the air. You began narrating the events, San filling in the gaps occasionally. The Sergeant nodded along until you told him about being cornered by the guards when you found Oscar.
“Did you perhaps recognise any of those guards?”
“They were all wearing masks,” San looked at you and you nodded. “I noticed one of them had a tattoo on his wrist.”
“What kind of a tattoo? Do you think you can recognise it if I show you some pictures?” Sergeant Kim asked and Major Choi said he would try. You continued to narrate the rest of the story and San mentioned the chip he had handed in earlier when they arrived. 
“It’s a shame we lost Oscar, but good job staying alive and completing the mission- both of you,” Sergeant Kim acknowledged and you both relaxed in relief. “There is a reason I send you both in the heart of the operation most of the time- it’s because I trust you both. It’s not that I do not trust the others, but the three of us have worked together for the longest- and we were once a team, after all- back when I was still Major Kim,” he smiled and your heart warmed- the Sergeant wasn’t much older than you both and the three of you had been a trio back in your early days- though you both always called him your captain anyway. It’s like he was meant to lead. 
“I trust you both to complete the mission no matter what, and I trust you both to make it out alive each time- even if it takes days,” he continued. “For a while, I’ve been suspecting there’s a rat around us. I don’t know which squad or who, but the past few days have been a sign enough that we’ve been betrayed- especially since they captured so many of our agents. I want you both to stay alert and wary of everyone- even the ones in your squad,” he sounded disappointed. “I know you trust your squad but you both almost died today, and I cannot help but be worried.”
You watched the Sergeant sigh deeply. “Is there anyone you suspect?”
“Not at the moment, at least not from our squad,” he admitted. “Or maybe it’s because I’m making a mistake of trusting them. Perhaps I’m making a mistake in letting you both know too. Maybe the rat is one of you.”
“Yeah, it could totally be me,” you began, scoffing. “I asked to be shot so I could pretend to die and do what?”
“Or it could be me,” Major Choi chuckled. “I went back to finish Major Seo but ended up using my last shreds of humanity to save her instead. Should have killed her when I had the chance-”
“I’m only saying!” Sergeant Kim laughed this time but you weren’t having it. 
“You know what- maybe he’s the rat,” you looked at the Sergeant and San agreed. “He usually makes it out unscathed. Wonder what that means.”
“You both know there’s a reason why I rank higher than you both,” he scoffed. “With the amount of times you get hurt, I should lower your ranks-”
“Sergeant, we’re just joking. I trust you both. I really do. And I trust my squad too, but I’ll keep my guard up anyway.”
He nodded. “Take some rest, you both. Once you’re back, I have another task for the two of you- until then, I’ll take care of it.”
“What’s it about?” San asked but the Sergeant waved his hand and left. You pursed your lips.
“I knew it wasn’t simply bad luck- there must be someone who reports our activity to Eden.”
“And we can’t even narrow it down since there were four Squads involved in this mission,” San shook his head. “Do you think Sergeant Kim will be sending us on a false mission again?”
“I hope not,” you sighed, glancing at your bandaged leg, thankful the bullet hadn’t done much damage. “I need… a break.”
San laughed at that. “When are you scheduled to get some days off?”
“In two months, I think,” you tried to recall the exact date. 
“That’s too far away. If we can’t have a break right now… we could at least get some drinks together?”
“You can’t even hold your liquor, Major,” you muttered and he glared at you. You shrugged, “I’m not taking care of you if you get drunk again. Last time was enough.”
“What did I do last time?”
“See? You don’t even remember,” you muttered, looking away. Last time, and the time before, and every time San got drunk… he was a mess- especially with you, and you weren’t sure if he realised it yet. “We could just go to town to get dinner. No drinks.”
“Come on, we haven’t let loose in a while-”
“Did someone say drinks?” Major CJ entered and you muttered ‘oh no’.
Because the next night, you heard a knock on your room around 10pm and you opened the door to see Major Han grinning widely.
“How’s your leg healing up?”
“Pretty well, actually,” you told her. “What’s got you so giddy?”
“We’re having drinks in Major CJ’s room,” she winked. “Even Sergeant Kim is there.”
“Oh, you better go then,” you winked back. “I think I’ll stay.”
“Oh no, you won’t,” she grabbed your hand and pulled you, making you squeal. “Sergeant Kim ordered me to bring you there.”
“No way he did,” you muttered. “Let me change?”
“Oh, you look fine,” she said, scanning your black tank top and shorts. “Absolutely ravishing.”
“Let me get a jacket, at least,” you laughed and she finally let go of you with a grin. You grabbed your uniform jacket and followed Major Han to the men’s dorm which was opposite yours, going in the direction of where all the noise was coming from-
It was a mess. Not just your squad- even some from Squad 6 were present. As soon as the Sergeant spotted you, he smirked. 
“Oh no. I’m going back-”
“No, you’re not,” Sergeant Kim got up and you attempted to leave but he grabbed your wrist and everyone else laughed.
“I’m here because I’m keeping an eye out for odd behaviour,” he whispered and you scoffed.
“You’re already almost drunk. I don’t think you can ‘keep an eye out’ for much longer…” you faltered when he glared at you- “... Sergeant.”
“I need you here too- you’re good at detecting odd behaviour,” he dragged you back towards the table and you sat between him and Major Kang. “Just like old times.”
“Just like old times,” you raised the drink he poured you, clicking with the rest on the table, Major San across from you, a flush already creeping up on his neck. “Just how long have you all been drinking?”
“It was going to be just us, but Sergeant Kim decided to join,” Major Kang began. “And then he called Major Yu- they’re boomer drinking buddies so they cannot even drink without each other.”
“I’m not a boomer…” Major Yu drawled. “I am the life of the party.”
You and Major Kang ignored her and you got into a discussion about who was the best drinker in the room- it was definitely Major CJ who Major Kang said had been drinking for an hour now but still looked fresh. You two began ranking the people in the room, occasionally passing a comment, purposely ignoring San’s watchful eyes on you.
“I think the worst has to be San,” you tsk-ed. “Look at him.”
Major Kang raised a brow at the way you addressed him- he had never heard you two call each other by your first names. In fact, all of you always referred to the other formally. 
“I think you must be pretty down on the ranking too if you’re calling him ‘San’,” Major Kang commented and you stared at him in confusion until it sank in. However, you could redeem yourself.
“I don’t think a Major looks like that,” you pointed at the very flushed, almost drowsy and very giggly Choi San and Major Kang almost choked on his drink as he laughed. San seemed to have noticed that and wasn’t having any of it now- he got up and went around the table to push Sergeant Kim away from you so he could sit with you.
“I bet he didn’t ask you to keep an eye out for something odd,” you scoffed. “You can’t even look after yourself right now.”
“I am a fully conscious individual right now,” he began and you shared a grin with Major Kang who was watching you two. “I may look red but I’m crystal clear inside.”
“Yeah? How many fingers do you see?” Major Kang raised three fingers.
“I’m not blind. Two.”
You hadn’t laughed this hard in such a long time that you had to put your head down, feeling dizzy for a moment. Major Kang was laughing just as hard, clapping along and you looked up to see San smiling at you.
“I know it’s three. I just wanted to make you laugh.”
“Ohh,” Major Kang looked between you two. “You can’t tell me something hasn’t changed between you two now, Major Seo.”
“He’s drunk,” you shook your head. “Everything that comes out of his mouth from this point on is nonsense.”
Thus started an argument between the three of you and halfway through it, you shut your eyes and tuned out the men on either side of you now in a heated discussion about something else entirely. You opened your eyes, wanting to rest your folded arms on the table but San was taking all the space. San, and his stupid muscular arms looking spectacular in his stupid white tank top-
Yes. You were definitely tipsy now. 
You definitely were, because for quite a while you simply watched the man crowding your personal space talk. You smiled at his little habits of blinking too many times when he felt dizzy or cracking his neck to shrug off the sleep. You itched to inquire about his healing progress- for all the times you complained about being his personal nurse, you sure were worried now. You licked your suddenly dry lips when he spared you a glance.
“You okay?”
“Move, you’re taking too much space,” you muttered, pushing his arm away with your elbow and he grinned. The Sergeant got San’s attention and you and Major Kang watched the others for the rest of the night-
Until most of the agents left and San was such a drunken mess that you couldn’t take it anymore.
“Will someone please take him to his room? Or just drop him here, I don’t even care,” you mumbled. “Just get him off of me, please.”
Major CJ was cackling. “I’m not touching him. He starts demanding cuddles.”
“Neither am I,” Major Kang was half asleep but not because he was drunk. 
“You both literally share a room, Major,” you glared at him.
“Jongho, do you mind if I crash over tonight?” Major Kang asked.
“Not at all,” he glanced at the Sergeant. “We can throw him on the couch, you can take his bed.”
“Wow,” you tsk-ed at all of them. “Traitors, all of you. Major Han?”
“I can’t even carry myself right now,” she said, almost tripping on her feet. “Why did Major Yu leave me all alone?”
“Probably to avoid this mess,” you muttered. “Major Choi San, wake the hell up, right now.”
“I wasn’t asleep,” he mumbled.
“Then get the hell away from me?” You glared at him in disbelief- he was using your arm on the table as a pillow and it was starting to hurt. “Go to your room and sleep.”
“Help me up then,” he said, not even opening his eyes. You looked up and gathered the last of your willpower to push his head away and pull his arm.
“Take his keys,” Major Kang tossed them in the air and you caught them, flipping a finger at him. He only laughed in dismissal. You asked San to at least cooperate with you a little and that your leg would hurt if you had to carry him, which was when he finally opened his eyes and straightened.
“You shouldn’t suggest drinks ever again,” you told him, hooking your arm in his and helping him walk straight. “Look at you. Such a mess.”
“You don’t look so bad either,” he grinned and you shook your head. He pointed at the room at the end of the hall and you looked around while you walked. 
“Is this your first time coming here?”
“No, but I haven’t ever visited your room since we got posted here,” you told him, unlocking his room and pushing the door open- it was pretty much the same as the other rooms but with beds on either corner of the room since he shared it with Major Kang. 
“There you go,” you tried unhooking your arm but he tucked it in. “I should go now, I’m tired. Let me go.”
“I don’t want to…” he pouted and you dug your nails in his arm until he winced and let your arm go. You laughed in victory, taking a step away.
“You’re supposed to heal me, not hurt me!” He rubbed at the marks your nails left but then stopped, admiring them. “You know what? I think I’ll keep them as a badge of honour anyway.”
“Wow, okay. Want me to give you some more? This time bloody marks, perhaps?”
The way San looked at you in that moment, his eyes slowly filling with mischief and lips curling into a smirk, you finally realised what you had said. This time, you were the one flushing and you turned to leave, muttering a bye but he caught your wrist.
“Maybe I’d like that.”
“You’re very, very drunk right now,” you laughed. “You won’t remember this tomorrow anyway.”
“You think the memories don’t come back to me?” He asked, his tone changing and you stopped struggling. “You think I forgot this exact moment? In Sector 6, when…” he pulled you towards him, making you face him. “When we danced all night long… just like this,” he interlocked his fingers with yours, his other hand finding its way inside your jacket to rest on your hip. “Do you remember?”
You were afraid to ask just how much he remembered. You weren’t sure you could manage to form a question right now anyway, especially with the way he was looking at you. You could feel your walls coming down-
All it took was him bringing your interlocked hands closer to kiss your hand and you felt the years worth of effort melting in an instant. 
He had done the same thing that night, in Sector 6. And you had almost kissed him and told him how much he meant to you. But you had been drunk, and you had managed to keep yourself in control, though you couldn’t stop yourself from saying things you regretted saying ever since.
You were drunk tonight too- though you were pretty sure this was the most awake you had been for a while. San still had his lips on your hand, his eyes glazed as he looked at you.
“We shouldn’t- I was drunk-”
“Then tell me you didn’t mean anything you said back then,” he scoffed. “Tell me you don’t think about us every night before you sleep. And tell me you’re not holding yourself back right now, because Major… I know you. I can see that you’re holding back.”
Indeed, he was familiar with every movement, every shift of your body like they were his own. He could read your eyes and your silence like you could read his. So when you didn’t respond, he dared to take another step and let his hand on your hip snake back so he could pull you closer, closer until you were flush against each other and you-
You couldn’t bear to look at him anymore, not without doing anything you might regret, so you did the next best thing and rested your head on his chest, making him freeze for the slightest moment before he relaxed and let go of your hand only to embrace you in a hug- a hug that made you melt into it and you wondered just how much you had craved this all along.
“Did I tell you how glad I am that you’re alive?” He mumbled, taking a deep breath when your arms finally went around his waist. You nodded, nuzzling the crook of his neck with your nose as a yes. He squeezed you in the hug before drawing back and kissing your forehead just like he had a couple nights ago. You inhaled deeply, wanting to stay in that moment forever. Perhaps he saw that- after all, this was probably the most vulnerable you had looked in front of him. Perhaps he wanted to test the waters- he kissed your cheek next, his hands resting on your shoulders.
“Do you still think I’m not in my senses?”
His words rang in your ears and for a few seconds, you just stared back at him, trying to get your brain to work and scream at you that this wasn’t something you should be doing, especially with someone you worked with. Not like this. Not now. But the silence in your brain was louder. You found yourself inching towards him, eyes fixed on his parted lips that looked like your salvation right now.
“I don’t want you to do something you will regret later-”
You ignored his warning and pulled him towards you, meeting his lips in a kiss. You drew back, finding him more surprised than you had thought- as if he hadn’t practically led you here with his own hands. You kissed his lips again, tasting the sweet tinge of alcohol- a reminder that perhaps, this wasn’t right. But you didn’t care. You’ve had enough of this. So you kissed him yet again, but he remained unmoving. You drew back and frowned in confusion.
“Why won’t you kiss me back, Sannie?”
It was like you calling him by that name undid something in him- he let out a guttural sound before cupping your face and kissing you back like it was the last time he would get to do so- and perhaps, he feared that it was. With your somewhat clouded minds, maybe this was just in the heat of the moment- for you- because he was so sure about himself. He had wanted you for so, so long and now that he finally had you-
You tried to meet the pace of his desperate kisses but it was overwhelming you, so you let him kiss you as he liked for a moment before breaking apart for air. You cupped his face, your heart breaking at the way he looked so unguarded.
“San- I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere- I’m right here.”
 “You’re here… with me.”
“I’m here,” you nodded with a smile, pecking his lips. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
San understood and then kissed you so gently that the butterflies you got earlier in your stomach felt weak- this was how it should feel, like something in you was becoming undone and you could melt right there, in his arms, and be there forever. You wrapped your arms around his neck to meet his lips better and he held you close to him as if his arms were the only reason you were standing- you realised it was true because your knees were putty. He made you wrap your legs around him and pinned you to the wall, making you sit on his thigh while he kissed you.
The way he kissed… you were absolutely losing it. The sound of his mouth on yours and the little grunts he produced were driving you crazy. The way his hands stayed on your waist, his thumbs hooking on your tank top made you shiver against him and he smiled into the kiss. And his tongue- oh goodness. He was incredible and you were wondering why you hadn’t done this earlier.
This time when you broke apart, he started trailing kisses down your neck and you shut your eyes in pleasure, rocking against his body, and when his lips stayed on one part of your skin unmoving but his hands gripped your hips, you realised he liked what you were doing. He liked you moving against his thigh. He looked up, a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Just how long have you wanted me, Major Seo?”
You raised a brow, annoyed, and smacked his arm, making him chuckle and capture your lips in a kiss again, guiding you towards his bed where he sat you, getting on top of you and you were both grinning and about to kiss again when-
When you both heard the sound of click on the door and couldn’t do anything but watch Major Kang enter, humming to himself, and then looking up- 
And freezing.
For a few moments, it was so silent that you could hear your own heartbeat in your ears.
“Uh… carry on, please, don’t stop on my account,” he finally said, looking mortified. “I’ll just see myself out-”
“Wait-” you called but he only waved and disappeared, making you look at San-
And then you both burst into laughter, unable to tone it down, laughing as loudly as you could until you had tears in your eyes. San wiped his eyes, shaking his head at you.
“You really won’t be laughing like this tomorrow, y/n. I hope you will be, but I know you.”
Your smile slowly fell. You found San’s hand and looked at your interlocked hands for a long time. San didn’t ask what you were thinking- he knew anyways. So when you said you were going back to your room now, he let you- but not before he kissed you again and you responded enthusiastically- you really had no control over yourself tonight, it almost turned into another makeout session but San drew back.
“You should go. But when tomorrow comes… don’t tell me you regret any of this, okay?”
“I won’t. I promise.”
He visibly relaxed. “Goodnight, y/n. I’ll come with you- I have to fetch Major Kang anyway. He might be traumatised.”
You chuckled, saying goodbye and going to your room and finding yourself unable to sleep because you couldn’t help replaying what just happened in your head- smiling like an idiot in love.
Maybe you were.
—--------------------------
“Can you stop looking at me like that?”
“Like what?” Major Kang raised his hands in surrender. “I’m not looking at you.”
You paused in the middle of cleaning your bullet wound to glare at the man in front of you who was also in the middle of changing his own bandages in the medical ward. He stifled a smile but failed, opting to turn his back to you instead.
“Just say it. Say it and get it over with.”
Major Kang sighed deeply. “Look, I’m not interested in what you and Major Choi do when you’re both alone- ” You threw the roll of surgical tape at him which he caught with a glare but he continued, “-I really did not have to see that sight when I came into my room, Major Seo. That’s all I’m saying.”
Years of training did not teach you how to keep the flush from your face. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Yeah, I’ve heard it before. ‘It just happened’- ”
“Shut up,” you groaned. “It really did just happen.”
“Don’t tell me it was your first time,” he scoffed and when he didn’t get a response, he gasped out loud, actually looking concerned for once. “It was your first time?”
“Yes,” you muttered, looking around and glad no one was in the vicinity. “If you’re thinking me and Major Choi are a thing, you’re wrong.”
“So you only made out yesterday because you were drunk?”
Was what you were asking yourself ever since the morning too. It was definitely not because you were drunk- moreover, you promised San that you would not regret this. 
And you did not. You were just confused about a number of things, especially how this would go on now. And you were glad the day was almost over and you still hadn’t come across San because you weren’t sure you could face him right now- you needed to get your thoughts straightened. 
“You’re confused,” Major Kang scanned your face with curiosity. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this confused, and I’ve known you for a very long time now. Something happened when you two were out there until we came to retrieve you, right?”
You sighed deeply, finishing bandaging your leg again and seating yourself on the corner of the bed. “I always thought that Major Choi joked around with me, but you know how he gets around me when he’s drunk, right?” Major Kang nodded and you continued. “I thought he only did that to rile me up or something-”
“He didn’t, but okay, carry on.”
You passed him a side-eye. “We’ve had a few moments in the past two years. Moments when I wondered if Major Choi was going to cross the boundaries of professionalism and do something that might change our dynamic-”
“Can you sound any more cryptic?” Major Kang sighed. “Just say that you like him.”
“I do!” You groaned out loud, burying your face in the bed. 
“Major Choi likes you too- you’ve just been too blind to see it.”
“I know.”
“Then I don’t see the problem?”
“I just…” you got up. “We’re special agents, Major Kang. Do you think it’s a wise decision to make? To be with a member of your team, of all the people in the world? We walk into death’s trap every other day and it’s honestly a miracle that we’re still alive, isn’t it? We’re on borrowed time. I just… I cannot make this more complicated than it already is.”
“Hmm… it makes sense,” Major Kang finished bandaging his own arm and sat next to you. “But that’s the agent in you speaking about all this professionalism and stuff. It’s not like the other agents here don’t have a family. Major Yu is a mother. You think she didn’t think about this before marrying a civilian?”
You bit your lips- it was true. Major Yu was someone you had immense respect for- she was balancing her work and personal life extremely well. As a mother, as someone with a family, she probably risked more than any one of you when going into missions. Major CJ was the only provider in his family too. 
“I think there’s something else you’re scared of… and perhaps, you haven’t figured out what exactly that is yet,” Major Kang smiled knowingly. “I think you just need to go with the flow. If you really think you’re on borrowed time, shouldn’t you be living each moment to the fullest instead of holding yourself back?”
That line stuck with you. 
It stuck with you for the rest of the day, making you wonder just what would be so bad about being with Choi San and what was really stopping you and making you so afraid of the future.
You didn’t try to find Major Choi that day but you knew you couldn’t avoid him forever. You did come across him the next day but it was with everyone else and it was very casual- as if nothing had happened between you two. You were arguing just like usual, met up with Sergeant Kim to get the files and data for your next mission and the three of you planned a strategy for hours until you parted ways for the night. You wondered if he had actually been so drunk that he forgot the events of that night when a knock sounded on your door and you checked the time, wondering if it was one of the girls who needed something-
And blinked twice when you opened the door and found Major Choi in front of you.
“Is something wrong?” You asked, looking around, wondering if something had happened-
“Shouldn’t we talk?”
Oh. Your eyes went wide and you pulled him inside, shutting the door. “You shouldn’t come here so casually.”
“Why? Major CJ comes and goes as he pleases- I’ve never seen anyone feel strange about that.”
“Jongho is everyone’s baby here,” you told him. “He’s like our little brother. We don’t mind him,” you grinned. “However, you coming here is another story-”
“Oh? On a first name basis with Jongho yet the first time you called my name in years is because we thought we wouldn’t live to see the next day?”
You scanned his figure- he was still in his uniform and it looked like he hadn’t gone back to his room at all. He had removed the bandage from his cheekbone so there was a dull graze instead. His hair was no longer combed back but messily falling on his forehead as if he had been running his hands through them.
“If you wanted to be called by your name that bad, you could have just asked,” you said casually, steering towards the small kitchen in your room and offering him a drink. He raised a brow.
“Should we drink again?”
You sighed deeply, resting your figure against the counter and ditching the drinks. “You came to talk.”
“How’s your leg?”
“Oh, it’s fine,” you looked down at your bandaged calf. “How’s your arm?”
“What do I mean to you?”
The room fell silent. The silence was too suffocating. You did not realise how long you simply stared at San until he took a step towards you and you took a step back, watching hurt flash in his eyes.
“Wait, let me just…” you tried saying something to undo that moment, swallowing the anxious wave that spread through you. You took a deep breath and looked at the man-
The man who meant the world to you. The only person who had been in your life for so long and was such a big part of it. How could you ever tell him that with words? 
“Just tell me one thing, y/n,” he insisted, his voice low and so cautious. “Tell me if you regret where we are right now.”
“I don’t,” your response was immediate. “I don’t regret any moment of it.”
“Then what are you so afraid of?”
You looked away and this time you didn’t stop San as he inched closer towards you until he could hold your hands in his. “Tell me what’s holding you back.”
Your heart fluttered at the sight of your linked hands. You weren’t sure you could say anything that would not hurt him at that moment but there were some things you needed to address. “Should we really do this, Major? We’re special agents. We’re a team. You can’t tell me this is a good decision.”
“Do you think I care about that?” He asked. “We’re a team and we will continue to be a team. Nothing will change.”
“That’s a lie, though,” you smiled sadly as you looked at him. “Everything will change. Everything has changed.”
“Not for me,” he brought one hand to tuck your hair behind your ear, studying your eyes and trying to decipher the puzzling look in them. “I have loved you for so long that it’s become a part of me now.”
You shut your eyes, letting that sink in and when he took another step towards you, you didn’t stop him as he kissed your forehead. “I know you feel at least a fraction of what I feel for you. So tell me all your fears, y/n. I’m here.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” You laughed a bit. “I’ve always talked about professionalism, haven’t I? I’ve always talked about how unprofessional it is to have an intimate relationship with someone in this field when you don’t even know if you will live to see the next day. How can I do this and not be afraid, Major?”
“I mean…” he pouted. “You’re right but we’re still alive-”
“Major Choi San-”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” he laughed and you were kind of grateful that he was keeping it light because you weren’t sure what sort of a mess you would become otherwise. “I know what you mean. I feel that as much as you do. But y/n…” he caressed your cheek. “Every mission where we cheat death, I grow more and more afraid of losing you. And then I think about what I will regret if I lose you- not telling you how I feel about you. How much you mean to me.”
“That’s why I’m afraid, San,” you admitted. “I know one day it’s going to happen. I know why I’m here, I know how dangerous it is, and I have seen what happens when you lose someone in this manner. You know that.”
You were referring to your mother. He knew the stories about your family quite well- you told him when you first became friends. “This war is ugly. We’re here to end this and we will die in the process. It is our fate. We’re only going to make it more complicated for us if we do this.”
Major Choi did not like the way you thought about these things- time and time again, you both had been on opposite ends in this argument. He had tried so hard to break your walls and make you see life from an optimistic lens. He wished you could take a peek in his mind.
“I would rather die happy than to live regretting what I could have done for the rest of my life,” San said, making you lock eyes with him. “I would rather have known the taste of your lips, the feel of your skin on my skin than to imagine what it could have been,” he leaned down to whisper in your ears-
“And I would rather have known the sounds you make when I touch you, because god, I cannot get those sounds out of my head.”
Warmth pooled in your stomach at his words and perhaps he was good at triggering you to do things you wouldn’t normally do because you saw the opportunity and took it- you saw his bare neck and snaked your hand up to push the collar of his jacket to the side so you could plant a sweet kiss at the spot you had your eyes on- the spot that had made him squirm that night. This time, he was the one making those sounds and perhaps he was right-
You’d rather die having known all those things. Having known what he felt like, in every way possible.
San’s grip on your waist tightened a bit as you trailed kisses up his neck to his jaw and then caressed the scar on his cheekbone with your thumb. You were dazed in that moment and you did not want to think about anything else except the fact that he was so close to you right now, so close that you could feel the warmth of his body and it felt so welcoming. You buried your face in the crook of his neck, realising it might be your favourite spot. San let you have your moment until he hummed to make sure you were alright.
“What are you thinking, love?”
You sighed. How could you ever get used to him calling you ‘love’? How could you ever get used to being in his arms and feeling so safe? How could you go to the field with him covering you? You would want to shield him from everything. But then…
You have always felt that way. Perhaps he was right. It wouldn’t be so different.
You didn’t respond. You drew back and scanned his face once before locking your gaze on his lips. He got the signal and he immediately planted his lips on yours and you kissed him, feeling every nerve in your body ignite with pleasure. One of his hands went to rest on the back of your neck, his thumb caressing your skin and guiding you as he kissed you better, deeper until you had to draw away and catch your breath.
You melted at the way he couldn’t open his eyes for a few moments. For the shortest moment, you could understand why you were afraid of all the wrong reasons, though that did nothing to soothe your anxiety. It was only San kissing you again that made you forget about all your fears and let yourself get lost in that moment. He picked you up effortlessly and took you to the couch, placing you down ever so gently as he got on top of you. 
“I need you to use your words,” San moved your hair away from your face gently, searching your eyes. “Tell me we’re good.”
“We’re good,” you nodded. “San, please-”
San realised what you meant when he noticed the position you both were in- he was hovering on top of you but his knee was dangerously close to your core. His breath got caught and he looked at you again but before you could take the matters into your own hands, he held your wrists.
“Tell me what you want.”
You groaned, looking away but San wasn’t having any of it. He leaned closer, turning your face to him gently by placing his fingers under your chin and made you lock eyes with him. You watched his lips curl into a smile and he said, “Look at you, Major. You’re all flushed.”
“Shut up,” you laughed, attempting to hide your face but he was grinning, not allowing you to do so. You huffed in defeat, locking eyes with him yet again, trailing one hand up his arm and then down his chest to unbutton his jacket slowly. San watched you while you did that and then his jacket fell open, leaving him with a black tank top underneath. You were about to snake both your hands under when he gripped your wrists again.
“You still haven’t answered me.”
“I want you,” you breathed, propelling yourself forward so you could meet his lips and you pecked them. “I want you, Major. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, however short it may be, even though the rational part of my brain still thinks it’s a bad idea,” you said, letting San fall back on the couch so you were now on top of him with your legs on either side of him. “I don’t know how long I’ve wanted you for, how long I’ve loved you because I know I do, I just… never allowed myself to think about this, so,” you bit your lips, looking at him and finding his gaze overwhelming. His grip on your wrists loosened and you took that chance to place your hands on his collarbones, caressing them. “You mean so much to me. I will always be afraid of losing you. And I don’t know how we’ll figure this out- how I will figure this out since you seem to have the hang of it already, but…” you both laughed at that and you locked eyes with him. “I want you.”
San kissed you, lingering there. “Say that again.”
“I want you,” you breathed, meeting his lips again and opening your mouth as soon as his tongue swiped your lips, your arms going around his neck to hold him closer as you kissed. It wasn’t rushed yet there was a sense of urgency now that you both had bared your hearts to each other. And San wasn’t shy while making out with you at all. His hands were everywhere and soon, he shifted so he was back to being on top of you, which was when he started to trail his lips down your neck.
“Can I take this off?” He asked, fisting your shirt and you nodded, taking off his jacket first. He smirked, taking off your shirt for you and leaving you in a black athletic bra. He shook his head in amusement but went back to trailing kisses down your neck. You shut your eyes and lowered your defences- that was what he was aiming to do. His kisses were gradually releasing all the tension from your shoulders and you wondered how he knew that. His hands travelled up your waist and you opened your eyes, nodding and he wasted no time taking off your bra as well and when you pouted, he laughed, taking off his tank top.
“Now we’re even,” he grinned, looking shamelessly at you and you resisted the urge to fold in on yourself.
“No, we’re not,” you muttered. “And stop looking at me like I’m your last meal.”
San laughed heartily, kissing your lips and you smiled into the kiss. “You’re beautiful. So beautiful. Seo beautiful.”
“Shut up,” you groaned. “That joke is the worst thing I’ve heard.”
“It cracks you up everytime,” he muttered against your mouth, kissing you again and diving down, his hand cupping one of your breasts and playing with it while he kissed and licked and nibbled everywhere he could. You couldn’t breathe and you put a hand over your mouth as if you needed to stifle your sounds but he noticed that and held your hand away.
“Don’t be shy, Major. I need to hear you make all those pretty sounds.”
“God, you’re insufferable-” you began but he went to attack your sweet spot right at that moment, earning a little moan and then he smiled in victory, making you slap his arm. You decided that he had teased you enough and with your legs, you pushed him away to get back on top of him, your chests flush against each other and your arms around his neck, holding his face closer to yours as you kissed him deeply, rolling your hips on his lap and earning a loud groan from him. You grinned in the kiss but this time, it was you who groaned when he grabbed your waist and made you do that again.
“Don’t stop,” he pleaded, kissing you again and you nodded, matching his movements and finding him hard against your core. You weren’t trying to hold back your noises anymore and neither was he, and you were glad at least one of you had a room all to themself so you could do this without any worries. You gave up on kissing at some point and snaked your hands down his chest to the plane of his stomach, tracing his abs, and then down and down-
“Shall we take this to bed?” San suggested, stifling a groan when your hands played with the waistband of his pants. “You’re not shy anymore.”
You shrugged and he got up, making you wrap yourself around him, giggling as he made his way to your bed, dropping you gently. He caressed your injured leg. “We don’t want you to be uncomfortable, do we?”
You hummed, letting him take your trousers off and he got back on top of you, admiring your body and wondering where to start. You poked his stomach with your toes and he laughed, nuzzling your neck with his nose and you took a moment to memorise how that felt, because…
You felt so, so safe. There were no alarms ringing in your head. There were no sounds alerting you except the sound of his breath or his kisses which relaxed you. There was no sense of rush, for all your talk about ‘being short on time’. You wrapped your arms around him and he was quick to detect the sudden shift in your mood but didn’t say anything. He knew you were figuring it out along the way now, and he was elated that you even gave him a chance to prove that it wasn’t as bad as you thought. He settled next to you, bringing you in his arms and you placed a leg on top of him. His hands went to cup your thigh and your breath hitched at the sensation of his hand so near where you wanted him so, so bad. You fiddled closer and he kissed your head, letting his hands caress your inner thigh.
“Are we good?”
“So good,” you almost moaned, kissing his lips again. You wanted- no, needed him at this point. And you were glad he understood you so well, so when his fingers slid inside your panties, you shuddered against him. He caressed your folds, finding you soaked and kissing you eagerly as he slid his fingers up your wet folds, rubbing your clit once and you moaned into the kiss, pushing your hips against his hand to meet his movements better. He continued like that, just teasing you and kissing all your moans away before he finally slid one finger inside you-
“Fuck,” he groaned in your ear. “You feel so good.”
You didn’t respond, shutting your eyes and letting him continue like that for a while until he slid another finger inside you and you groaned loudly.
“Gosh, you’re perfect,” he met your lips in an open mouthed kiss. “Look at you. All needy for me.”
“You look like you’ve done this before,” you bit your lips, stifling a moan. “You’re pretty good at what you’re doing.”
“Am I?” He grinned, pressing his thumb to your clit and making you squirm. “I think it’s just because I know you so well. I know exactly how to get you riled up, Major.”
You rolled your eyes but when he started to stop teasing and start pleasing, you brought him closer, your kisses messy and needier now as he drove you to the edge and he drew back to watch you fall apart on his fingers, shuddering deeply and out of breath. He peppered kisses on your face as you recovered from your high and you finally opened your eyes.
“Shall I return the favour?”
San raised a brow before it hit him and he groaned. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stop if you decide to touch me tonight, Major.”
“I never asked you to stop-”
“Shh,” he scolded, putting a finger on your lips and you took that chance to kiss it, making him laugh in disbelief. “I don’t want to rush anything with you,” he kissed you deeply. “I will have you soon, I promise that. I should let your leg heal first. I know it still hurts.”
You pouted deeply and he settled next to you, holding you in his arms. “Just let me hold you like this tonight, okay?”
“If that’s what you want,” you said, content to be right there. There was no better feeling than this. “I will have my revenge soon, though.”
“Oh? Is that how it is now?” 
“Yes,” you grinned, “I will settle the score soon.”
San shook his head in amusement and you teased each other for a while, occasionally riling the other up until you both fell asleep in each other’s arms.
—----------------------------
You were starting to understand why people always choose love no matter what their circumstances were. You were starting to understand how they found love even in the darkest of times, because…
Choi San was making sure that you would never feel alone or sad again.
A lot had changed since that night. While working, you two were pretty much the same. He would still rile you up with his bad jokes (were they bad if they did make you crack up later?) and you would still threaten to off him each time. It was very casual like before, yet…
He still refused to get his bandages changed by anyone else and invited himself to your room each morning and night so you could play his nurse. In the mornings since you were short on time and had to get to work, you two would joke around or share a light kiss which was routine now- you still marvelled at how it had become something you could call ‘routine’. But at night…
You asked Major Kang later if he was lonely because his roommate was spending most of his nights in your room. He only laughed in response and said he couldn’t care less because Major Choi annoyed him enough in the day so he could make up for it. You tsk-ed at that, having missed the chance to use that card on San so he could stop coming to your room all the time- surely the others must have noticed now as well. But could you really put all the blame on him when you were just as eager to see him at nights as he was?
Perhaps, you were more to blame. He would come in your room with the excuse of you checking on his wounds, and each time you would end up tracing the scars on his body, kissing some of them and that would turn into a makeout session and more, until you were skin on skin. He would return the favour then- trace your scars but each time with a story-
“I wish I had reacted earlier so you wouldn’t have gotten this.”
“I wish I had been there instead of you.”
You knew that the Major had the softest heart since the beginning, but it still amazed you when he looked at you with such hurt in his eyes, as if it physically pained him to see your body littered with scars. You told him it was okay, that these scars were unavoidable and you didn’t think much of them, but he only responded that he found them beautiful- especially the ones you took for him.
“Oh? Can you count all the ones I took for you?” You had asked.
“I can. I bet you can count all the ones I took for you too,” he responded with a smirk. 
He was right. You could. You had his body memorised since the very beginning- you could trace each of his scars with your eyes shut. You told him that and he was pretty pleased to hear that, attacking you with newfound affection and adoration that sometimes you found overwhelming but loved anyway. Overwhelming only because you had pushed him away all these years and-
And because it reminded you of your parents. 
Your parents had been so much in love. Your mother would wait for the weekends when it was time for your father to visit from the army. She would become a different person in his presence and you had loved that about her. You often resented your mother for breaking apart after your father’s sudden death, but now you were starting to understand what she must have felt because you were sure you would be the same. However… 
She did not possess the power to protect her partner. You did.
You were thinking about that when San nuzzled your cheek and broke you out of your trance. “You’re zoning out, love.”
You realised that you were- you had been staring at the documents in your hands for far too long now. You cleared your throat and started arranging them again so you could get back to the page you had been reading before you got lost in your head. San watched you do so and asked, “Is something bothering you?”
“No, I was just thinking about a few things,” you said, remembering where your train of thoughts started when you found the page. “Look- that’s Agent Golf, right? From Squad 6?”
“Major Lee, yes,”  San scanned the page. “From that damned mission two years ago.”
You recalled that very well- the agents here still referred to that incident because everyone thought it had been a mistake to take an injured agent to the field. Sure, you needed manpower at that time and every soldier counted, but… 
You all could still have avoided Major Lee’s death.
“I don’t remember him much, I’m sure you’ve interacted with him more,” you began and San nodded in agreement, “Was he close to his squad members? Like we are?”
“He was one of the older members,” San recalled. “So I’m sure his juniors depended on him a lot.”
“Did they ever find his body? I remember the funeral but I remember they didn’t find a body.”
“I’ll have to ask Sergeant Kim. What are you thinking?”
“I’m just wondering…” you began, your gut feeling making you confused. “I’m wondering if he is still alive.”
“If he was…” San shifted towards you. “I’m sure someone would have gone to retrieve him or he would have found his way back. It’s been two years.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” you shook your head and put the page back inside the folder. “It’s sad. We don’t even know if he had a family.”
“I’m sure his squad members will be taking care of that,” San placed his hand on your shoulder, rubbing it assuringly. “What’s really bothering you, love?”
You passed him a side-eye as you smiled. He knew you too well. “Nothing. I just don’t like the idea of performing a background check on people we are supposed to trust. I don’t like the idea that there is a rat among us.”
San could understand. “I’m more surprised than mad. I don’t know why anyone would choose to do that- when Eden has destroyed our home and families.”
“Right? I’m trying to look into why anyone would do that in the first place. That way we would be able to narrow down our suspects.”
“And is that why you were looking into Major Lee? Do you think he might be alive?”
“I was probably overthinking,” you sighed, cracking your neck. “I’ll look into the rest later. Do you want some tea? Coffee?”
“Coffee, please,” San said and you nodded, kissing his temple and getting up to go to the kitchen. Today had been a long day and you were getting tired of suspecting everyone around you- at least not your squad. They could never do that. 
You were just mixing up different blends of coffee when you felt arms wrap around your waist and you jumped, making San laugh. “I didn’t even hear you!”
“I wasn’t trying to be silent. You’re too lost in your head tonight,” San kissed the top of your head. “Long day?”
“Since I can’t go to the field for a while, Major Yu is making me do all her paperwork while she goes in my place,” you sighed. “I like being in the field better. I can’t sit at the desk all day.”
“I miss you too,” San muttered and you laughed, trying to grab the sugar pot but San just held you closer, resting his head against yours. “I miss being on the field with you. I had to partner up with Major Yu- she couldn’t stop cracking jokes through the radio- I almost got caught because of her twice.”
“I think that’s how she copes,” you giggled. “And you better be careful. I’m done nursing your wounds.”
“Are you?” San backed away only to stare at you. “Because I distinctly recall you kissing all my wounds a couple nights ago-”
You smacked his chest, asking him to back away if he wanted his coffee, but when he swung you around whilst tickling you, you were positive your laugh must have rang throughout the dorms and you put a hand over your mouth when he placed you on the counter.
“Major Choi San, the entire dorm must have heard my laugh-”
San shut you up with a kiss, catching you by surprise. However, you were quick to melt into it, the butterflies in your stomach wild. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he deepened the kiss and when he broke apart, he watched you as you caught your breath, your lashes fluttering while you gazed at his lips- he was driving you insane. 
“You know how much I love it when you laugh, don’t you?”
You sighed internally- the Major was pretty direct with his words and feelings. No beating around the bush- not from him. Sometimes, you appreciated that because he was so clear and straightforward with you, no room left for confusion.
But at times when he said things like these…
San smiled, watching your cheeks get flushed. “You know… I never thought it was that simple to make you blush. With just words. You never blush when we make out or have sex, but…”
“What can I say? I’m not hard to please,” you laughed a bit, burying your face in his neck, still shy from his sudden comment. “Maybe you should have tried that instead of teasing me all this time.”
San hummed in agreement, running his hands down your arms and then snaking them inside your shirt to hold you at your waist. You kissed his neck in response, fisting his shirt and looking up at him. “This needs to go.”
“Oh?” San scoffed. “Not tired anymore, are you?”
“Oh, I still am,” you helped him take off his T-shirt, running your hands across the smooth planes of his chest. “I’m just waiting for you to do something about it.” 
“And? What would you like me to do about it?” San brought his hand up to your face to caress it as he looked at you lovingly, tracing the curves and edges of your face and sliding a thumb across your lips, a faint hint of smirk on his own lips as he slid his thumb inside your mouth. You pretended to bite him, making him grin but then you sucked on it until he looked pleased. He traced it across your lower lip again before kissing you softly.
“Words, love. I need your words.”
“You can do whatever you want to me-”
“That’s pretty vague,” San cocked his head. “I could leave you right here and go back to sleep.”
“Well then,” you huffed. “Why don’t you bend me over and fuck me? Is that what you want to hear?”
“Ah, that’s better,” San started taking off your clothes until you were in your panties only. You watched him take in the sight- he always did that. His eyes would travel everywhere along your body as he ran his rough palms across them, and then he would start kissing your neck, peppering kisses anywhere he liked until you were squirmy and needy for him. It was as if he aimed to please you and you alone- he wouldn’t let you have your way until he was done with you.
You clenched your thighs as he stopped sucking on the crook of your neck and he noticed, raising a brow. “Already needy for me?”
“Do something about it,” you said through gritted teeth and he let his hands run down your sides until he hooked his thumbs in the waistband of your panties. You spread your legs for him, your core throbbing painfully now- and perhaps, he could see it on how you furrowed your brows. San rubbed at your clothed clit and you moaned loudly-
And that was his undoing. He dragged you closer and slid his fingers under your panties, sliding them along your wet folds and sliding his tongue in your mouth simultaneously, making you grip his shoulders as he kissed you. You lifted yourself up so he could take off your panties and he did, bending down to slide them off your legs and gripping your thighs afterwards, spreading them to see the mess he had made-
“In just a few minutes… you really want me that bad?” He commented and you groaned.
“Fuck you.”
“Oh, you will,” he promised, trailing kisses up your thighs and keeping them apart before his lips reached dangerously close to your core. He looked up at you once, settling on his knees before licking up a stripe and you cursed loudly, one hand supporting you up while the other automatically went to grip San’s hair-
Oh, how he loved that. He licked up again before his tongue dived inside you and his thumb started rubbing slow, slow and steady circles on your clit. It was too much and at the same time, it was not enough- you wanted him impossibly closer to you. He was driven by your moans and he was so good at what he was doing. You tried clenching your thighs but he wouldn’t let you. You moaned shamelessly when his nose rubbed against your clit as he shifted his position and at this point, he was practically making out with your clit. 
“San, please,” you begged. “I’m so close.”
He only hummed, inserting a finger inside you- he had done this enough times now to know exactly what drove you to the edge. The combination of his finger inside you, his nose rubbing against your clit and his tongue lapping your juices while he hummed against you drove you to your high and you tugged at his hair as you broke apart, clenching your thighs against his face but he did not stop- he continued with his ministrations until you were spent and you recovered from your orgasm. When he finally looked up at you, he grinned and you chuckled to yourself, running your hands through his hair. He got up and wiped his mouth with his hand.
“You’re delicious.”
“Shut up,” you smacked his chest but he shook his head, capturing your lips in an open mouthed kiss and diving his tongue inside so you could taste yourself on him and the way he kissed you, gripping your neck and hips and scooting you closer so you spread your legs and met his hard bulge made warmth pool in your stomach again for what was in store next.
“I’m nowhere near done, as you can already tell,” he muttered, tucking your hair back before taking out a condom from his pocket and shrugging down his trousers and boxers, his hard length swollen and ready to take you. You licked your lips at the sight and he noticed that, shaking his head in amusement as he pumped himself a few times before wrapping the condom around his length.
“Fuck me, San.”
“What?” 
“Fuck me, Major Choi San,” you said, not a shred of exhaustion in you as you wrapped your legs around his waist and brought him closer, his length wedged between the two of you. “I want you to fuck me right here, hard.”
San growled in your ear, biting your earlobe in response and positioning his cock to meet your wet folds, rubbing it against them a few times before sliding it inside you and you helped position yourself better, letting out a deep breath once he was fully wedged inside you-
And then he pumped himself in you- hard. 
Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and he started pumping his length in and out of you, kissing you anywhere his mouth could meet in between, your hands running across his back, chest, waist, and gripping at his hips. 
“Harder, San. Harder,” you begged. “I don’t want you to be soft this time.”
“Babe, do you want me to break you?” San asked, slowing down.
“Yes,” you breathed, kissing his lips. “Break me.”
San groaned, placing his hand on your neck and pushing you back until you were flat on the counter and you decided you liked this position better already, until-
Until he placed your legs on his shoulders and started pumping into you and your moans got uncontrollably loud, his length hitting you so deep in places you hadn’t discovered earlier.
“You like this, huh?” San groaned. “Want me to use you like a ragdoll?”
You only moaned in response, already close even though he seemed nowhere near done and you wondered if you really should have asked for this- though the pleasure now was nothing like what you had before. He took your hand and placed it on your stomach, pressing it so you could feel him pumping in and out of you, while his other hand remained on your neck, occasionally squeezing it lightly making your walls clench around him uncontrollably. 
“So tight for me,” San grunted, “Always so tight for me.”
“I’m so close-”
As soon as you said that, San squeezed the sides of your neck and pumped deeply into you, making you break apart with a loud moan, the orgasm heightened thanks to his hand on your neck. He continued for a few moments until he, too, groaned loudly and reached his orgasm, shaking as his body rested on top of you. 
You both stayed like that for a few moments with you caressing his head. When he recovered, he started peppering soft kisses all over your face, making you giggle. He drew back to lock eyes with you, and before he could say anything-
“I love you so much.”
His eyes went a little wide at the sudden confession. He smiled, pecking your lips. “I love you too. I’m glad you finally caved in, y/n. I’m glad you’re mine.”
“Hmm, you might need to be a little more convincing…”
San raised a brow, laughing loudly at your suggestion. He snatched a few tissues from the table and started cleaning your thighs.
“Next time you say that you’re tired,” he began. “I’ll understand that you just mean you want to be fucked-”
“San!” You laughed, getting up from the counter and down on the floor, your legs wobbly and you instinctively held on to him.
“You were saying?”
You glared at the man, smacking his chest as you muttered you were going to the shower. He shook his head, deciding to follow you there too.
—----------------------------
“Route 2 is clear, Team 1 please proceed forward,” you said into the radio, switching your position to the other window, making sure Team 1’s exit point was also clear. You heard a ‘copy that’ confirmation and zoomed in on the exit. 
“All clear on the West Exit. Team 2, please report your status?”
“We’re ready,” Major Choi’s voice sounded.
“Copy that. Proceed to the West Exit from Route 4. Team 3, I need confirmation for data retrieval?”
“Data retrieved,” Major Han responded. 
You moved to the other end of the room, signalling Major Yeom to keep watch on the West Exit while you checked Team 3’s route. After confirming a clear path, you called in the radio, “Team 3 towards North Exit- avoid Route 3. I spot movement.”
“Copy that,” Major Han confirmed and you watched for any signs of movement. All seemed clear and you allowed your shoulders to relax a bit, taking a deep breath. You switched positions with Major Yeom again, asking if everything seemed okay and he reported that it did.
“Team 1 has exited,” Sergeant Kim called. 
“Copy that,” you finally spotted Team 2 not far behind, Major Choi and Major Yu walking stealthily towards the gate, the enemy guard having disappeared to switch rotations. You watched them exit and exhaled another breath of relief.
“I’m spotting movement on the North Exit,” Major Yeom called and you waited until Team 2 was safely outside and signalled their exit before joining Major Yeom across the room. You zoomed in with your binoculars and indeed, three guards seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. You frowned, “Where did they come from?”
“I spotted them around that building,” Major Yeom pointed, turning on his radio and you nodded. He called, “Team 3, please halt. Proceed to find shelter- movement spotted near the North Exit at your 10 o’clock.”
“Copy that,” Major CJ answered. Major Yeom alerted the Squad 6 members waiting for Team 3 at the North Exit and you dared to ask him something.
“How has your squad been holding up after Agent Oscar?”
Major Yeom slowly brought the binoculars down, glancing at you for a moment. “Uh… we’re holding up okay, for the most part. It’s not the first time this happened after all.”
You felt a sharp sting at his words but you knew what he meant. He was probably talking about the past members such as Major Lee and the others. “I know. Somehow… you get used to being okay. You just have to be.”
“Yeah…” Major Yeom switched his binoculars. “You… you saved Agent Bravo, right?”
“Agent Oscar too,” you pointed out, sparing him a glance. “Before the enemy fired and we lost Oscar. He wasn’t in the best state anyway- I think he lost his leg.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you think they do to you when they capture you, Major?” You asked, not waiting for his response as you guided Team 3 to switch buildings. “Agent Oscar was unfortunate enough to be questioned by the enemy. They were getting answers out of him when we arrived- Major Choi and I.”
“I… I did not know that,” Major Yeom sighed. 
“Team 3?” You called into the radio. “I think you have a tail.”
“Shall we split?” Major CJ asked.
“No, it’s better to stick together,” you answered, asking Major Yeom to guide Team 3 to the North Exit or steer them towards the West Exit while you went to the other corner of the room and took out the radio meant for you and the Sergeant only.
“Sergeant?”
“I’m here,” Sergeant Kim sounded grim already. “Team 3 has a tail?”
“You’re thinking what I’m thinking?” You asked, making sure to keep your voice low.
“I’m going to inspect everyone who’s back. I don’t care anymore,” Sergeant Kim began but you bit your lips in thought.
“Wait- not yet,” you told him. “It would make it too obvious. Let’s wait until we get back and we’ll see what we have to do.”
Sergeant Kim did not respond for a few seconds but then he gave you an okay and you went back to join Major Yeom. The Team was being guided to the North Exit now and you resorted to watching Major Yeom plan out a new route. You occasionally quipped in and it took another half an hour for Team 3 to make a safe exit at north and you finally sat down and drank water.
“Good job, Major,” you said and he passed a smile, nodding. “I’m wondering why they were being tailed. Nobody spotted them during the mission.”
“Maybe they watched and decided to confront them later,” Major Yeom shrugged and you agreed, though you highly doubted that. You both packed your gear and started to exit out of the building, going inside the basement and walking in silence along the path that connected to a building right outside the West Exit. Bumping fists with the Major after making it through, you walked to your car where Sergeant Kim awaited, looking-
“Very grumpy. You’re making it too obvious.”
“I can’t help it,” he said. “There is a rat in our base who knew we were going to be here today. Who knew exactly what our plan was.”
“Let’s talk about it when we get back,” you whispered, patting his arm and going to Major Choi who was waving at you, looking rather cheerful.
“What’s got you in a good mood today?”
“Ask her,” San pointed at Major Yu who was in a heated discussion with Major Kang. You stood next to San, listening to their discussion and smacking San’s thigh when he tried holding your hand. 
“-so I asked my husband if he could really get me some tickets to the festival. And he’s such a sweetheart- it was tough but he managed to get exactly 7 tickets for the 7 of us!” Major Yu grinned. “So we’re scheduling our vacation next month and all going to Sector 6. I don’t care if you have to go see your families or friends- you all are coming with me to Sector 6 first before you go home.”
Major Kang got up and saluted her dramatically, making everyone laugh. You looked at San who already had a shit-eating grin on his face. You leaned closer, “I know what’s going on in your head right now. Cleanse your brain.”
“Not a chance,” he blew a kiss and you swatted it, making a face, Major Kang noticing and pretending to throw up. Sergeant Kim ordered everyone to get inside the car and you began your way back to the base. During the ride, you kept replaying the events of this mission in your head, wondering how the enemy knew exactly where Team 3 was. There had to be someone who told the enemy about the mission and you felt nauseous at the thought that it could be someone you knew.
You met up with Major CJ and Major Han when you got back to the base and found them just as confused as you. Sergeant Kim was wise enough to not let the confusion spread any further, calling them in his office for individual reports. Meanwhile, San and you casually moved to a corner and he asked you what was up.
“Our mission almost got compromised today, San,” you admitted and he frowned. “Team 3 got a tail right when they were about to exit- we had to reroute them. Someone knew Team 3’s exact location, our routes, our exit points. We’ve been compromised, San. And I’m wondering how long this has been going- if we really could have saved more people had we found out earlier.”
San pursed his lips in thought. “Does Sergeant Kim know?” 
“Yeah, he caught on just as I did,” you nodded. “We need to do something about this before they retaliate, the enemy. Because if they’ve been gathering information so far… I think they’ll strike soon, and it’s making me so worried-”
“Shh, it’s okay,” San came forward and wrapped you in a hug, not caring if anyone saw. You didn’t care either, simply relaxing in his arms. “We’ll figure it out together, okay? I think today’s mission might have narrowed our suspect list- this mission was supposed to be known only to a selected few.”
“I hope so,” you drew back. 
“Let’s go eat dinner before Sergeant Kim calls for us,” San suggested and you agreed, not really talking much and San let you sort your thoughts out while you ate. It was the Sergeant himself who found you both in the dining hall and the three of you decided to go to your room.
Sergeant Kim looked around a bit before settling on the couch beside San who had already made himself home on the other end. Sergeant Kim narrowed his eyes at him, “You look too comfortable here.”
“Ah, it must be your first time here, huh?” San scoffed. “Welcome to Mr. and Mrs. Choi’s residence-”
“What did you gather from Team 3’s report?” You interrupted, having brought the documents Sergeant Kim had handed you a few days earlier and joining the two, dragging a chair to sit across them. 
“Nothing much,” the Sergeant replied and you noticed San sulking at the way the two of you had ignored him completely. You shrugged at him as if to say ‘did you expect anything else?’. “They are pretty sure no one spotted them during the mission. Did you see anything suspicious while you kept watch?”
“Nothing until Team 3’s exit,” you told him. “The guards started moving towards where they were all of a sudden as if they knew. Major Yeom guided the team out for the most part.”
“Okay, so here’s the thing,” Sergeant Kim started spreading the pages on the table while he continued. “I don’t think there’s a pattern yet, but I think it’s safe to say that if there’s a rat and they’ve been watching our movements, they’re done simply watching. They’re retaliating. And we know that because in the past 4 months, our success rate has significantly dropped- and I’m not talking about the book definition of success.”
“You’re talking about the agents we’ve lost,” San said.
“That’s right,” the Sergeant nodded. “What do you think?”
You took a deep breath. “With both these missions, we were compromised on one of the routes known only within the base, right? With Squad 7 guiding us back at the base, and the rest of us in the field. Can we narrow it down somehow?”
“I have a feeling today didn’t go like they expected,” Sergeant Kim admitted. “If they tailed Team 3, they must have tried to accomplish something, right? What did they get accomplished though? Nothing. I think today is the first time they failed. In which case…”
“In which case they might retaliate,” you completed and he nodded, grim. “What changed today?”
“We can omit Squad 5 from the list of suspects, I think,” he answered. “That leaves us with our squad and Squad 6. I don’t think we should suspect Squad 7- if there’s a rat in there, they would find out themselves. It’s not like they were guiding us today either.”
“I really don’t think it’s someone from our squad,” San quipped in and you agreed.
“Squad 6, huh?” Sergeant Kim looked at the pages spread across the table- information of the current and former members of the squad. He picked Major Yeom’s page to get a closer look. “Did he know you were joining him today? At the station?”
“It was a last minute thing for me too, no one did,” you told him. “Do you think Major Yeom could be the rat?”
“Even if he is… who is he reporting to? Is it someone in the base or someone outside?” Sergeant Kim sighed. “And can we really suspect Major Yeom? What about the others? One of them made a pretty stupid mistake in our previous mission, if I recall.”
“Plus, Major Yeom is the one who eventually guided Team 3 safely outside,” you glanced at San. “You’re friends with a few from Squad 6, right? Anyone exhibiting strange behaviour after our previous mission?”
“Not really, no,” San shook his head, leaning forward. “I don’t think us sitting and drawing conclusions like this will yield any results. We need to conduct a proper investigation into this before something worse happens. We should alert the Lieutenant.”
“I would have alerted him already had I secured some solid evidence. There’s no pattern yet and we’re trusting our guts. As much as I trust my gut and you both, I can’t simply go with that to the Lieutenant,” Sergeant Kim sighed loudly before slumping back and you made a face. 
“We have to follow protocol, huh?” San sighed too.
“The protocol sucks,” you groaned. “I’ll conduct my own investigation. Major Yeom did not know what state Agent Oscar had been in when we retrieved him- before we lost him. Why was he not aware? Do the rest know?”
“My job was to convey information to Sergeant Park,” Sergeant Kim raised a brow as he thought. “I don’t think he did that on purpose though.
“Ah. I forgot Sergeant Park is literally your best friend-”
“No, that’s not it,” Sergeant Kim laughed. “He must have told them that Oscar was held hostage and questioned before you retrieved him. Maybe he didn’t go into the details.”
“Maybe Major Yeom lied,” San pouted. “I trust Sergeant Park for some reason.”
“You trust everyone,” you retorted and San sulked further, sinking down into the couch. “Come on, Sergeant, we need to make a decision.”
“Let’s start with Squad 6- I’ll talk with Sergeant Park,” he decided. “He must be suspicious too with how things have been recently. But you two… try not to make it too obvious, okay?”
You and San burst into a chorus of ‘as if’ and ‘you’re the most obvious one’ and Sergeant Kim decided to see himself out. You started gathering the documents, glancing once more at Major Yeom’s file. San gave your shoulder a comforting squeeze and you decided to trust your captain, relaxing into San’s touch.
—-------------------------
The sound of the alarm ringing loudly enough to wake the dead up had to be the most horrible sound you had ever heard in your life.
It had only played once before and it was a memory you wished you would forget- even now, for a few moments, you remained in your bed blinking and wondering if you were dreaming. It wasn’t until you heard the radio announcement that you got up abruptly and moved to grab your bulletproof vest and jacket, grabbing every weapon you had in your room, because-
The base was under attack.
It had only been a mere two days since your last mission, since Sergeant Kim and Park started investigating their squad members in secret. You wondered if it was somehow linked to their investigation- it had to be. As soon as you were prepared, you went outside, greeted by the rush of soldiers donning their jackets or loading their weapons. Amidst all the chaos, you spotted San and rushed towards him, holding his hand and squeezing it.
“Oh, you’re here,” he gave you a brief hug. “You’re thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Yeah, we need to find Sergeant Kim or Sergeant Park,” you said and he nodded, looking around once and dragging you into a corner. 
“Listen- I just asked and it’s not looking good. The enemy chose a direct attack this time and the Left Wing is compromised already. How’s your leg?”
“It’s good, San, don’t worry,” you assured him, and it was the truth. “There was a reason I joined the previous mission. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I can’t help it,” he smiled, kissing your forehead. “Let’s go then. We have no time to waste.”
You nodded and the two of you started asking around for Sergeant Kim, knowing he wouldn’t be in his office but out fighting. Major Han spotted you both and dragged you to the weapons room-
“I’ve been charged with making sure you gear up like proper soldiers, and for exactly this reason,” she shook her head at the lack of helmet and equipment. “Sergeant Kim has put me in charge of leading our squad in his absence, so turn on your radios and follow me. The rest are waiting with him.”
You and San stifled your scoffs and wore the helmets, Major Han slapping you both on the neck and checking your gear, inquiring about your leg. She sighed, “We’ve already reported three casualties on the Left Wing. We will be in charge of driving them out, understood? Follow me.”
Your blood boiled at the number and you gripped your sniper as you made way to the Right Wing- the exit that your squad frequently used. As you reached closer, the sound of gunshots and soldiers shouting got louder. You spotted your members and Squad 6 ready and waiting, the Sergeants in a corner talking in hushed voices. As soon as Sergeant Kim spotted you both, he signalled and you both joined him.
“We’re waiting for orders from the Lieutenant before we go to help at the Left Wing- but I’m going to task you both for another mission. Sergeant Park?”
Sergeant Park nodded. “Major Yeom is missing. We have high suspicions to believe that he is the one who has been updating the enemy. He must have left earlier to either join them or hide. I need you both to find him and bring him back alive, is that understood?”
“Yes, Sergeant!” you both nodded. 
“I’m not entrusting my squad because of obvious reasons and sympathy factor, but Sergeant Kim here says you both are perfect for the job. Prove it.”
“And please stay safe, both of you,” Sergeant Kim huffed. “Don’t give me another heart attack. My lifespan has already decreased a good amount thanks to the two of you.”
San stifled a grin and you asked, “Do you have any suspects for who exactly Major Yeom might be providing information too? Or did you ever find out information on the man with the tattoo?” You recalled the man you had encountered while saving Agent Oscar.
“We believe it might be a group within the enemy, one specified to be spies,” Sergeant Kim said. “We haven’t seen it before, so we can’t say much. It’s only speculation.”
“Understood. We’ll take our leave then,” you said and the Sergeants nodded, making sure you had enough weapons before instructing you to find Squad 4 in the control room and start from there. You stayed on your toes the entire time, scanning everyone who crossed your path, looking for signs of anything suspicious because if Major Yeom had defected…
There could very well be others. 
You reached the control room and the Sergeant let you in, already having heard from Sergeant Kim and Park. He guided you both to the CCTVs and you got a good look at what was going on- the soldiers were still fighting against the enemy at the Left Wing and the enemy was trying to push its way inside or circle around to the Right Wing. It looked ugly. San went to monitor what was happening inside and for a while you both stood observing the base until San spotted a few of the enemy soldiers squeezing their way inside. The Sergeant immediately alerted Squad 5 to take care of it and you both decided to check the unmonitored rooms for Major Yeom. 
“Shall we check the basement first? Or keep it for the end?” You asked.
“The basement can be accessed from outside too, right?” San asked, pausing to think. “Shall we look at the dorms first? Divide and conquer?”
“Sure,” you nodded, getting anxious. You were short on time- you needed to join your squad back at the Right Wing too. “Check the dorms first, meet outside. And then the offices, the weapon rooms, and let’s go to the basement together after?”
“Sure. you take the offices, I’ll take the weapon rooms,” San said and you both agreed, splitting immediately after connecting your radios.
About an hour passed by as you checked each level, meeting by the staircase with a confirmation of ‘all clear’. You found nothing and San informed Sergeant Kim about going to check the basement. Sergeant Kim told him to make it quick and meet him at the Right Wing. 
As the two of you descended into the eerie silence of the basement, a part of you wondered if this search was just a waste of time- why would Major Yeom be in the basement? He could have exited amidst this chaos at any time- or done whatever he needed to. The basement only contained storage rooms with the archives and some exit routes- but exit routes were more easily accessible on the ground level, so why would the enemy be there?
“You take the right side, I’ll take the left,” San said when you reached down. You nodded and patted his arm before parting ways, aiming your gun as you started checking the rooms- empty, empty, yet another empty room-
And then the sound of footsteps that did not belong to San.
You hid behind a shelf, trying to calculate the distance- it seemed like the person was going further away from you. You dared to take a peak and frowned at the sight of someone in the same uniform as yours, walking at high alert with their gun aimed and ready-
It was Squad 6’s badge. It had to be Major Yeom.
You started following him silently, not even daring to breathe any louder than necessary, and when the Major went inside one of the rooms, you quickened your pace and took a look inside that room-
He was alone and it looked like he was looking for something. He was searching through the files- for what?
You took a deep breath and entered the room with your gun pointed at the Major. “Hands up, drop your weapons, now.”
The Major froze, glancing at you once, not daring to turn. “Major Seo. I can explain-”
“Drop your weapons, now,” you seethed, stepping closer as he dropped his gun to the ground, the metal meeting the floor with a clang. You buried the muzzle of your gun in his back before ordering him to exit the room. The Major knew better than to disobey you and took slow and steady footsteps as per your instructions until you had him pinned to the wall so you could signal San.
“Charlie, I’ve got the mole,” you said into the radio, waiting for a response but when 10 seconds passed and you got none, you grabbed the Major’s collar and started steering him to the direction San had gone into earlier.
“Charlie? I need a response,” you called, panic starting to bubble in your heart. “Charlie, this is Echo, can you hear me?”
You wondered if his silence was because he found something or was in a situation where he needed to be silent- you simply prayed it was only that. However, having scoured the basement and finding no signs of San, you slammed the Major against the wall and dug your gun in his back. “Who was with you here?”
“No one-”
“Choose your answer carefully, I will not hesitate to shoot you down,” you warned and the Major scoffed. 
“I bet Sergeant Park wants me back alive.”
“He never said anything about you being unharmed, though,” you started dragging your gun down his thigh and Major Yeom groaned.
“Fine, there is someone. You should check the exit.”
“Take the lead,” you gave him space to walk, still holding him by his collar as he led you to the room at the other end of the basement- a storage room with one of its bookshelves now pushed away from the wall, behind which a door was slightly ajar.
“What were you trying to find in the archives?” You asked, nudging him to go ahead inside the passage. 
“I don’t know-”
“Like hell you don’t,” you entered the path, the smell of damp mud hitting you right away and you turned on the light on your helmet.
“I was only instructed to retrieve a specific document, which wasn’t even present there,” Major Yeom clicked his tongue in disappointment. “Look, I’ve got nothing against you- I know you’re following orders. But you really shouldn’t go to the end of this path.”
You didn’t stop walking. “I need to find Major Choi.”
“If he’s got Major Choi, you can forget about him-”
That was your last straw- you slammed the Major into the wall and dug your arm into his neck, your hand almost shaking as you pointed the gun at his temple. “Who?”
Major Yeom tried retaliating but you were quicker and you kicked his ankle harshly, effectively making him drop to his knees as you pointed your gun at his head. “I’ve had enough- your colleagues are dying out there fighting the enemy, Major Yeom. Just what have you gotten yourself into?”
“Are you sure they’re the enemy? Eden? We haven’t been saints either,” he scoffed, spitting on the ground. “You talk about principles and morals but where were your morals when you abandoned your colleagues when some mission went wrong, huh?”
Your heart sank. “If this is about Oscar, I did not abandon him-”
“Not him,” he shook his head. “The others. You and Major Choi… you go back for each other, disobeying every protocol and you get an applause. Why did no one go back for Major Lee?”
You frowned. “I’m pretty sure Sergeant Park eventually went back for him. As for Major Choi and I… you don’t know anything.”
“Sergeant Park never went back for him- or if he did, he didn’t try hard enough. Do you have any idea what they did to Major Lee?”
“Major Lee is dead,” you almost cried. “Forget about the past- why are you doing this now, huh? Who’s ordering you?”
“He’s not dead-”
“Stand back and drop your weapons, now.”
You froze- how did you not hear someone coming when even your hushed voices were echoing? Was the person already present and listening to your conversation? With the feeling of dread clouding your mind, you took a step back from Major Yeom and glanced up-
To see a masked man holding San at gunpoint.
And fortunately enough, Major Yeom took your stepping back as a sign to stand up and you did the first thing you thought sensible- mirror that masked man and hold Major Yeom at gunpoint. Major Yeom groaned as the muzzle of your gun buried painfully in his temple but you ignored it and glared at the man, trying not to meet eyes with San.
“So you’re the one who’s been ordering Major Yeom around, huh?” You asked. “Let go of Major Choi and I’ll let go of your man.”
The man’s deep laugh echoed through the passage. “Not that simple. You will obey every order I give you or else your Major Choi won’t live to see the sunrise.”
Something shattered in you at that moment as you recalled San’s words- “I wish to see the rest of my sunrises with you”. You finally dared to look at San, now rid of his helmet with a few bruises across his face. He shook his head subtly as if to say ‘do what you’re being told’ but you remained frozen in your spot.
“Take off your helmet. Let me see who you are,” the man ordered. You kept ahold of Major Yeom and removed your helmet, your jaw clenched painfully. You aimed the gun back at the Major and the man shook his head. 
“Drop your weapon and step away from him, Major Seo.”
Once again, you were surprised- just who was he? He must have seen the confusion on your face and he finally removed his mask-
It was Major Lee.
“Why?” was all you could ask. Major Lee only shook his head.
“You will not understand how it is like to be abandoned by your own people. And for what? For nothing,” he tsk-ed. “Do you remember that mission, Major? Do you remember how we marched into the enemy territory because we were going to retrieve stolen data? There was no stolen data,-”
“Major Lee, please listen to me,” you pleaded. “We’re soldiers. We obey orders. It is not our duty to question it- we’re only given orders. We don’t even know what we retrieve, you may be right, but… if you have a problem with it, you should take it to the Headquarters or I don’t know… the General, the higher-ups, anyone but us. So please let go of Major Choi, at least. Your fight is not with us.”
“You will let go of Major Yeom and step back,” his voice was cold and you shut your eyes in defeat. “And then I will decide what to do with Major Choi.”
“Major Lee-”
“Now!” He hit San with the grip of his gun on his forehead, instantly making you drop your gun with an ‘okay, okay!’ and you took a few steps back until Major Lee grunted in approval. “Kneel and face backwards.”
“Please let go of Major Choi-”
“Don’t make me do something you will regret,” he warned. “I will let go of him, but not right now. Kneel and face backwards- and you will count 100 seconds before you take one step. If I hear you, he dies, understood?”
You nodded through tears, looking at San once who only passed you a reassuring smile. You did as you were told and counted 1, hearing the footsteps fade and by the time you counted to 100, you had stopped sobbing and instead, anger- hot, boiling hot anger clouded all sense of rationality. You stood up and grabbed your gun and began running towards where they had taken Major Choi, praying he was okay all the while. But you reached the end of the passage which exited near the Right Wing and found no signs of Major Yeom and Major Lee. 
No signs of Choi San.
You took a deep breath, surveying the area- you could hear the sounds of a fight to your left so you reckoned Major Lee must have avoided that and gone in the opposite direction. You started marching to your right, taking out the radio that connected you to Sergeant Kim.
“Alpha, this is Echo, please respond. Alpha?”
You continued treading along the building for a few seconds which was when your radio sounded. “Alpha responding.”
“The mole and the rat have escaped with Charlie. I am going to retrieve Charlie. Awaiting no further orders.”
“Echo, halt where you are. I will join you-”
“I do not have the time, Sergeant,” you seethed into the radio, ditching all formalities. “They took him, okay? Major Lee took him and he feels betrayed by all of us. I don’t know what he will do to him, I need to save him.”
There was a few seconds of silence and you spotted movement towards the gate- two or three figures. It had to be them. You started running towards them, hearing the sound of a jeep in the distance and you ran faster, trying to make it in time but you would never make it- you took off the sniper from your shoulder and started shooting towards the men getting in the car but it was no use- you were too far away. The jeep took off, leaving you all alone in the middle of the abandoned post and you fell to your knees, trying to control your unsteady breathing and shake off the ringing in your ears realising later that Sergeant Kim was repeatedly calling your name into the radio.
“They got away,” you breathed, unable to control your sobs this time. “They’ve taken him.”
“Where are you?”
“The abandoned post,” you looked around. “I need to go-”
“Stay where you are,” he ordered. “I’m coming to get you. The fight is almost over anyway.”
You buried your head in your arms as you knelt on the ground, your mind already hyperfunctioning as it planned all possible routes they could have taken, all possible spots they could be going to. All you knew was you would have to go to Eden all alone and retrieve him at all costs. But you couldn’t help the fear and the dread, because something like this had never happened- not to him, at least. You had been taken by force once and San had disobeyed all orders and marched into the enemy territory to retrieve you-
And you would do the same for him. 
You did not realise how long you spent kneeling and planning through the utter pain of processing just what happened and the fear for San’s life when you heard a number of footsteps and you finally looked up to see not only Sergeant Kim but Major CJ and Major Yu.
“Oh, dear,” Major Yu shook her head at your state and knelt down, enveloping you in a hug. “It’s going to be okay. We will go back for him, okay?”
You nodded, breaking away and looking at Sergeant Kim who looked like he could pass out right there. “It’s Major Lee- I spotted his tattoo too, on the wrist. He’s the one who’s been sabotaging our missions, and I don’t know what he’s planning to do now. He said something about how our missions are baseless or something, I don’t know,” you sighed. “He has a problem with how things are being run. And now he’s taking it out on us.”
“I have a problem with how things are run here too,” Sergeant Kim sounded pissed. “But that does not mean I betray my people and side with the enemy for some petty revenge- even if something happens. We will go back for Major Choi, okay? But first you need to come back and plan-”
“I have no time to waste,” you shook your head fiercely. “You can join me later or not at all, for all I care, but I am leaving right now. I just need more weapons and I’m good-”
“Major Seo-”
“I cannot let anything happen to him!” You almost shouted, looking at Major Yu or Major CJ for help- surely they understood. “I finally, finally learned to live with myself and learned to function like a normal human being, I…” you breathed. “You know me, Sergeant. You know that I cannot live without him- I- “ you laughed at the irony of the situation. “I swore to never be like my mother but here I am.”
Major CJ turned as if to process what was happening and realisation dawned on Major Yu’s face. Sergeant Kim knelt down next to you. “You’re the strongest person I know here, Major. But please, think with your head for once. Come back with me, gear up properly, plan this and then leave-”
“You can do all of that and join me later,” you gave the final verdict. “I am leaving right now- keep me updated on the radio. And give me all of your bullets and weapons, dammit.”
Major CJ sighed. “Let me come with you. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Sergeant Kim groaned. “You think I don’t want to save him? I have to follow protocol- I cannot allow two of you to disappear-”
“It doesn’t matter anymore- someone needs to keep her grounded, and I can do that,” Major CJ offered you a hand and you smiled, taking it. “You can both give us your weapons and go back to the base, prepare and follow us right after. It shouldn’t be a problem anymore.”
Sergeant Kim considered for a few seconds before finally giving in, taking out his guns and daggers and Major Yu did the same. You both docked yourselves up and made sure everything was working.
“This is the last time I’m allowing this,” Sergeant Kim warned and you rolled your eyes. “Bring that brat back. And both of you… don’t get hurt. That is an order- come back alive.”
“Yes, Sergeant!” You both saluted and he told you both to hurry on, calling in the radio to order a car for you two. You looked ahead at the horizon, the sky already starting to lighten.
You prayed you would watch the sunrise once again and got in the car.
—---------------------------
Major CJ was proving to be quite the strategist. He was keeping the mood light, probably because you appeared tense enough to make up for him too, and you had to stop and appreciate him at one point, which he just shyly dismissed.
“I really don’t think a defected soldier will have much influence around there, so if they allowed Major Lee in the enemy base in Sector 1… that’s the only place he might go if he’s still working with them. Even if he’s not, Sector 1 is a pretty good place to start-”
“Stop calling him ‘Major’,” you growled. “Call him the motherfu-”
“-until we get some visual or locate Major Choi by some miracle,” Major CJ finished saying. “And stop being angry- it’s only going to cloud your decisions.”
“Oh no, not me,” you scoffed. “Anger fuels me and keeps me alive.”
“Whatever helps you,” Major CJ passed you a weird look.
You were both in Sector 1 now, going through the connected passages just like you had on your previous mission here. You could spot the enemy base now and you prayed Major CJ’s instinct was correct- San had to be there. 
“Do you think we should negotiate with Major Lee or just… go berserk?” Major CJ asked and when the radio responded before you, you realised he had asked the Sergeant too.
“Let Major Seo do whatever she wishes,” the Sergeant sighed loudly. “I’ll leave my post once she’s back. She should be the Sergeant since she can make all her decisions herself now-”
“Oh, please, I would not have waited for you back there if that was the case,” you muttered. “Don’t fuel me any further right now, Captain.”
“Whatever. Try to negotiate first and see if you can get him to come back.”
“Permission to shoot otherwise? If things don’t look bright?”
“In case he tries to harm any of you, permission to shoot is granted,” Sergeant Park’s voice sounded. “For Major Yeom too. He is a defected soldier- his case must be handled differently from Major Lee because we thought him dead.”
“Copy that,” Major CJ responded. “Stepping within a 2 mile radius into the enemy base… now.”
You took the lead, Major CJ providing cover and you couldn’t help but be reminded of San. Gritting your teeth and steeling your nerves, you loaded your guns and went into stealth mode-
And all hell went loose.
Major CJ was strong in every sense- he naturally took the lead as you eliminated guard after guard, forcing your way inside through a back door. And unsurprisingly, Major CJ was depending on his fists more in close combat and you would finish it off with bullets. You wondered if you two were syncing better because you were both fueled with the same purpose- to retrieve Major Choi.
“To the basement,” you motioned towards the stairs. “They keep the hostages there unless they’re being questioned.”
“They should have changed locations by now,” Major CJ flexed his arms, having suffocated one of the soldiers. “If Major Lee is in there… he’s pretty fucking stupid.”
You grinned, covering for him as you both went downstairs, this time shelling the guards first before gunning them down. You told Major CJ to hold his own while you checked the rooms, finding one empty room after another-
Nothing. He wasn’t in the basement.
With pure adrenaline fuelling you now, you lead Major CJ upstairs to the same level you had found Agent Oscar on, shooting in succession at anyone who dared to cross your path, not caring if you hit a vital spot anymore- they had done enough damage tonight too. You hurried along the corridor towards the rooms at the end and spotted San tied to a chair, his head hanging down. You almost stepped inside the room but paused-
There had to be someone else in the room.
You glanced at Major CJ and nodded before pushing the door open with your foot and as soon as you spotted movement against the wall, you pointed your gun in that direction and shot at the lower region, successfully hitting Major Yeom in the thigh who shot reflexively at you in return but he was slower- you kicked his gun away and held him at gunpoint once again.
“That was quick,” he seethed through the pain.
“You took my partner, of course I was quick,” you hit his head with the grip of your gun, making him groan louder. “Where’s that bastard?”
“He knew you would come here,” Major Yeom spat. “He’s got plans for you-”
“Oh no, he hasn’t,” you grinned. “Major Lee got some abandonment issues, huh? He must have thought no one would come back for Major Choi. But did he ever think our squads would retaliate against his actions? Your colleagues will be joining soon, Major.”
Major Yeom paled. “They wouldn’t have allowed you to-”
“That’s the thing- Major Lee made it pretty clear what he was expecting, and all we had to do was the opposite. Sergeant Park is not pleased at two of his members defecting. You do know how he gets when he’s angry, right? He’s on his way here right now, so I’ll let him take care of you.”
Major CJ joined and told you that the rest of the members were already here. You allowed yourself to relax while he took care of Major Yeom and you walked to San, untying the ropes on his wrists and kissing his knuckles.
“Major Choi. Can you hear me?”
He did not respond. You figured he must have been drugged to unconsciousness. You held his face, tucking his hair back and examining the bruises there and then the rest of his body- at least he was unharmed. You bent down and with the help of Major CJ, you propped his body on your back, deciding to carry him out while Major CJ provided cover. A sense of relief started to wash over you as you made your way out, your members and Squad 6’s members passing smiles because as Sergeant Kim said when he joined you on this mission, some protocols really needed to change. It was high time and considering how Major Lee felt about his situation and Major Yeom joined him, they must have felt abandoned- perhaps for the right reasons. You had often felt that too, though you were lucky enough to have San as your partner who always had your back and broke protocols and disobeyed orders again and again for you. And the thought scared you- that if not for him, you might have turned into Major Lee too.
You exited the base and hopped into the car waiting for you, Major CJ helping you lay him down across the seat and you checked San’s pulse and monitored his breathing- he was okay. 
Major CJ said he was going to help the rest and left you and San alone in the car. The adrenaline started to wear off and with trembling hands, you examined the rest of his body for any signs of injuries, finding none and relaxing once again, resting your head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat while you waited for him to wake up. You shut your eyes, not sure if the sound in your ears was the sound of San’s heart or your own. 
You didn’t realise how tired you were until you felt a hand caress your head, tucking your hair behind your ears. You found yourself unable to open your eyes, a stream of fresh tears falling down on San’s jacket. His warm fingers wiped the tears away, caressing your cheek softly. 
“Won’t you look at me?”
You only buried your face in his chest, silently crying. San let you be for a few moments before he couldn’t take it anymore and nudged you to face him, seating himself up. You finally opened your eyes and let out a relieved laugh. San smiled in response, wiping your face with his sleeve. 
“You have no idea how much it hurts me to see you cry.”
“I’m crying because of you,” you said, sniffing. “Do you have any idea how scared I was?”
“I’m sorry,” he kissed your forehead, lingering. “I’m so sorry-”
“No, it’s not your fault,” you told him, cupping his face. “I’m just so glad that you’re okay, so glad,” you said, pecking his lips. “I was so scared-”
San captured your mouth in a kiss as a form of an apology and you took it, letting his hand guide you as he deepened the kiss. You fisted his shirt in one hand, the other finding his and intertwining with it. San broke away, your breaths lingering and you reached in to hug him, burying your face in the crook of his neck- your favourite spot. San caressed your back, holding you as close as he could. 
“You came back for me, huh?” San shook his head at the insanity of it. “Do you realise just what you did? Did you march here alone?”
“I almost did, but CJ joined and then the rest did- even Squad 6,” you told him, breaking away so you could look at him. “Captain wouldn’t let me go alone.”
“He’s always like this,” San laughed. “But you- you shouldn’t have been so reckless-”
“Says who? At least I had the others join later. You marched into enemy base alone to get me back 3 years ago-”
“That was different-”
“Yes, but that was more reckless,” you slapped his arm. “And anyways, I would have done this for you. You know I would have come for you. It’s a miracle I found you this quick.”
San caressed your face. “Even if we were not… like this?”
“We’ve always been in love, though,” you said and San caught your confession in it. “And I have realised now… love is supposed to be a strength, not a weakness.”
San glanced outside, the sky glowing a beautiful pastel now and spotted the Sergeants collecting their members and arresting Major Lee and Major Yeom. When you counted the rest of your members, all safe and sound, you relaxed into San’s arms. The enemy was stupid to attack your base- of course you would have retaliated. San kissed your forehead. “We lived to see the sunrise yet again.”
“I wish to see the rest of my sunrises with you too,” you said and San smiled. You sealed that promise with a kiss.
To a better future. 
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yoongiseesawmp3 · 2 months
Text
ceilings - san
summary: pe teacher!san x single mom!reader. your kid is finally ready to go to school, and you're spiraling. thankfully, you find friendship with your kid's teacher and she becomes determined to become your best friend. simultaneously, she tries to set you up with the cute pe teacher, but you know him from somewhere deep within your past. can the truth come out without jeopardizing your future?
word count: 12.4k
warnings: afab reader so gendered terms, mentions of accidental pregnancy
masterlist / part two
"violet, come on, we're gonna be late!" you shout to your daughter. it's her first day of kindergarten, her first day of real school, and you're so close to tears. you want to cry because your baby is growing up, because you won't get to cart your little mini me around with you everywhere now, because you're so stressed about getting her to school on time. it's been a rough morning, and your daughter taking her sweet time is not helping.
"i'm almost ready!" she shouts back from the bathroom, and you suppress a groan. what does a five year old have to primp for?
"one more minute and i'm dragging you to the car!" you threaten lightheartedly, knowing she'll only take it to mean she has a minute before you go and help her.
"i'm done," she says proudly as she appears in the doorway to the kitchen. hands on her hips she asks, "how do i look?"
"ridiculous," you laugh. "is that my shirt?"
"and my belt!" she defends herself. "i thought it was cute."
"it is cute, baby, but maybe you should wear something more comfortable for the first day?" you offer. you shuffle over to the laundry basket you left on the stairs and dig around for an outfit, handing your stubborn daughter some jeans and a sweater. "just wear something comfy today, and later this week you can dress silly."
"i wasn't dressed silly, i was dressed like you," violet mumbles, and you roll your eyes. your daughter definitely got your sass, and your stubbornness, but the resemblance kind of stops there. she's a spitting image of her father, a constant reminder of the mistake you made when you were younger. but it wasn't really a mistake, was it? if it brought you the one thing that's made you happier than anything before, it wasn't a mistake at all. violet was the best thing that ever happened to you, and again, the waterworks threaten to fall as you think about dropping her off for her first day of school. a day, you realize, you're late for.
"c'mon sugar, we gotta go!" you shout, grabbing her hello kitty backpack. "i've got your stuff, meet me in the car!"
-
you work close enough to violet's school that you can be one of those annoying carpool parents swarming the school grounds every day. while violet may hate it, you're so excited for all the memories that will come from these trips to and from school each day. like today, you'll always remember how violet started crying a few minutes down the road, claiming she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want to eat school lunch.
"it's not that bad, vi." you tell her as you peek at her through the rearview. "i remember loving some days of school lunch so much i would always go, even if i was sick."
"but you only liked some days," she sniffed. "what if i don't like any of the days?"
"then i'll pack you a lunch," you assure her. "just try it this week, every day, because some days will be better than others. then if you don't like any of it i'll start making your lunch. how does that sound?"
"okay," she nods, her sad little sniffles clearing up. "thank you mommy."
"we're almost there," you say quietly, more to yourself than to your daughter. "are you excited, sugar?"
"kinda," she admits. "i'm excited to see miss jen!"
"she's gonna be a great teacher," you agree. "you're gonna learn so much, and you're gonna have so much fun with her and all the friends you're gonna make. right?"
violet nods again, and you're satisfied for now. you're sure your baby is alright to go off to school for the first time, at least for the time being. surely there will be another thing to freak about later in the day, but for now you need to worry about navigating this carpool line. a man in workout clothes with a haggard looking traffic vest is directing traffic, and while you pass him, you feel your heart skip a beat.
it can't be him, right? there's no way he works here. it can't be. you keep driving, following the cones until you pull up to the sidewalk and a very kind looking teacher approaches your car with a soft smile.
"good morning!" he chirps. "i'm mr. kang, the librarian," he says as he stoops to peer through your window. his gaze goes to the backseat, asking violet, "are you ready for the best day ever?"
she nods shyly, and you watch as she undoes her car seat and slides out of the car with her too big book bag engulfing her frame as she walks away. you shout her name and she turns, a nervous look on her face.
"have a great day, my love!" you blow her a kiss for good measure, and you carry the way she smiles proudly with you for the rest of the day. the man in the traffic vest is all but forgotten, but he watches from afar in confusion. was he seeing things, or were you really here dropping off a kid? a kid, in fact, who looked exactly like he did at that age. weird, he thinks, but he shakes it off and continues directing traffic, wondering how he could find a way to introduce himself over the next few days.
-
when you were younger, your parents always supported you academically, but they were never involved with the school itself. pta meetings were not their thing, and it was a struggle getting them to take off work for a parent/teacher conference. you had decided early on that you would be one of those involved parents, one that knew your kid's teacher well and participated in room mom activities. you were texting violet's teacher last night, actually, asking if there was anything you could bring to help celebrate the first week, and she was eager to have the help.
she'd asked you to bring lollipops, so on thursday afternoon you're searching for a parking spot before school lets out. you were going to drop the goodies off at violet's classroom and help jen with the goody bags during dismissal, quick and easy. except, an intimidating figure walking toward your car may not make this process as easy as you'd have hoped.
san saw your car pull up and immediately stepped out into the parking lot. as the unofficial carpool guardian, one of his daily jobs is stopping parents who try to cheat the system by taking up faculty spots so they can be first in line. san didn't know it was you or he would've approached with a different demeanor, but today was rough. he had at least two criers per class and one kid who ran so hard after lunch he puked outside san's office. he wasn't in the mood to deal with a privileged parent, so he lets out a deep sigh as he approaches your now open window.
"ma'am you can't park here-" he starts, but as soon as his eyes meet yours he chokes on his words. "y/n?"
"hi san," you smile shyly, heartbeat racing. "so i can't park here? there weren't any guest spots out front, and i need to take something to vi's class-"
"vi?" san questions, and you let out a deep sigh of your own.
"violet," you tell him. "my..my daughter."
"i thought that was you the other day," san admits, and you nod in confirmation. "well, um, if you're just coming to drop something off, you're all good, you can leave your car-"
"oh really? i can move, it's no problem-"
"no, no, don't worry about it-"
"are you sure?" you ask, finally stopping the awkward back and forth. "you won't tattle?"
"pinky promise," san laughs, holding your door for your as you get out. "but i'd sneak out before carpool starts up if i were you, it'll be hard to pull out once the lot fills up."
"got it," you nod graciously, slipping your hand into the backseat to grab the bag of candy. san is still standing there, so you clear your throat and try to leave. "well, thanks for letting me-"
"no worries-"
"it was good seeing you-"
"yeah, yeah..." san trails off. once you're a few feet away he calls your name. you turn to see what he needs, and he thinks about it before shrugging. "never mind," he says. "it was nice to see you."
"bye san," you manage to get out before you turn the corner, hands sweaty and heart doing funny flips in your chest.
you hadn't told violet about your visit, so when jen lets you into the room you hear an excited squeal followed by a pair of small arms wrapped around your legs. violet looks up at you proudly, a spot of something on her cheek. you forget sometimes, just how much she looks like san, but your exchange outside has him fresh on the brain. she has his smile. you shake the thoughts from your head and try to take a step, but violet won't budge.
"hey sugar," you laugh, ruffling her hair with your free hand. "go back to your seat, school's not over yet."
"but-"
"violet, do you want to show your mom where to put the bags she brought?" jen offers, and you send her a thankful look. violet tugs on your hand, bringing you over to the "treasure box" which is really just a filing cabinet jen must have filled with candy and toys. violet shows you each drawer, and you make her look away as you place the candy in it's appropriate drawer so it won't ruin the surprise for now. satisfied with her work, violet goes back to her seat as the bell rings for dismissal. you organize some of the other things you brought on jen's desk as she goes over reminders for the class, and then the first few rounds of students start leaving.
"thanks for bringing all this," jen says as she joins you.
"do you need help putting them together?" you ask, and she thinks for a moment.
"no, i don't want to keep you," she starts.
"well, i think i'm stuck for a while anyway," you inform her. "i had to park in a faculty spot, and carpool-"
"oh yeah, you're definitely stuck," jen laughs. "let me get everything set up, and then you can start while i help the rest of the kids leave, if you don't mind?"
"not at all!" you assure her, looking out to find violet watching you both like a hawk. "do you think we'll need another set of hands though?" jen follows your gaze and laughs before waving violet over. the three of you get everything set up, and you ask violet about her day as jen organizes the next group of kids for bus call.
"it was good!" violet says happily. "i liked lunch today."
"what did they have?"
"chicken sammiches," she says, and you laugh.
"sandwiches, baby," you tell her. "sammiches is a me and you word, but some people may not know what that means."
"i like chicken sandwiches and chicken sammiches," she nods. "and then we had pe and a boy in my class threw up. he had pizza."
"gross," you crinkle your nose. "you liked pe though?"
"yeah, it was fun!" violet goes off on a tangent about all the games, and jen rejoins you to help finish the bags. the three of you fall into comfortable conversation with violet as the life of the party. you like jen, you find yourself thinking. you hope it's not weird to be friends with your kid's teacher, because you could really use one here. you're lost in that thought, so you don't notice when someone appears in the doorway.
"mr. choi!" violet chirps, abandoning her task and rushing to meet him. never met a stranger, your child, because she's tugging his hand and bringing him over to you. "this is mommy."
"that's not her name though, is it violet?" jen asks, ever the teacher.
"y/n," san nods, and you don't miss the way jen looks from you to san to violet and back again. "did you get tricked into staying late?"
"no, i offered," you reply. "but i didn't have a choice, i didn't listen to your advice and couldn't leave before carpool started."
"you're all good now," he says, holding up his reflective vest all crumpled in his big hand. "just sent the last kid home."
"good to know," you nod. "vi, where's your stuff? we'll leave soon."
"no!" she whines. "i don't wanna leave!"
"don't you want a snack though?" you tempt her, and that sends the mini menace into motion.
"to what do i owe the pleasure of you stinking up my classroom, choi?" jen asks.
"i wanted to talk to you about the kid that threw up today," he says, and you must look at him confused because he asks you if anything's wrong.
"are you the pe teacher here?"
"yep," he answers. "i didn't know this was your violet," he says, nodding his head toward your kid. "she's a sweetheart. ball of energy too."
"you're telling me," you smile softly. violet walks over then, informing you that she's ready to go. you ask jen if there's anything else you can do, but she insists on you taking violet home.
"you've helped enough, believe me," jen tells you. "i'll see you tomorrow violet!"
"bye miss jen!" violet says with a smile. "bye mr. choi! i hope no one pukes on you tomorrow!"
jen waits for you and your kid to be far enough down the hall before she asks calmly. "so. how do you know y/n?"
"we, uh, we go way back," san says. "went to school together, college, all that."
"oh, so you like, really know her," jen says, a plan brewing in her head. she saw the way san looked at you. she also knows you're single. "you didn't know her kid went here?"
"didn't know she had a kid at all," san shakes his head, and he seems to get lost in a thought before he remembers what he came here for. "anyway, this kid today, you gotta tell him not to eat so much before pe..."
-
you and san didn't grow up together, exactly, but you have known him since high school. you floated around similar groups of friends, so you hung out regularly without ever getting too close. it wasn't until college that you actually became friends. you both went to a local school, at least as local as you can get for your small town. living in a city all by yourself was intimidating, but you weren't worried about not making friends. you knew they would come.
the day of your orientation, san saw you sitting by yourself in the auditorium and immediately recognized you. he brushed off his sweaty hands before walking over and softly calling your name. when you registered who he was, you smiled and invited him to sit next to you. both happy to see a familiar face, you spent the rest of orientation attached at the hip. in fact, you spent the rest of your time at school like that. san was your best friend, nothing more. he didn't always feel that way, but he did a good job of hiding his feelings. he was able to hide how he felt about you all the way up to the final semester of your senior year.
you were thriving, one of those seniors itching to finish school and get out into the real world. you knew you were just months away from a successful career, and you wouldn't let anything get in your way. you liked that you didn't know what was coming next or where you would end up after graduation. the prospect of moving to a new city, hell, maybe a new country, was exciting. this restlessness is what made san speak up. he was ready to graduate too, sure, but he was ready to get out of the city. san always wanted to be a teacher, and he already had offers all across the state, but the only job he cared about was in his hometown. it's where he wanted to be, and he knew that if he didn't tell you how he felt now, he may never get the chance. he wanted you to know so he could at least have a chance with you, even for a little while.
so he confessed, one night early in the semester. he was walking you home, his dorm only a few doors down from yours. at the door to your dorm he pulled you into a hug, which was normal for him. san was always a touchy friend, but what he said as he pulled away still bounces around in your head.
"y/n, i think i'm in love with you," he said earnestly. you looked in his eyes, trying to find the beginnings of a smile, some hint of a secret, that this was a joke. but he was serious. when you didn't say anything he shrugged, stepped away, and added, "i just wanted you to know."
you still don't know if it was shock or fear that kept you from saying anything that night, from calling his name and pulling him back in. but you didn't say anything then, you didn't say anything for months. san pretended like it never happened, and you just went along.
it didn't come up again until the going away party at the end of the year. school was over, finals done, and graduation was days away. everyone wanted to celebrate the past four years and freak out over what was next, all sharing where they were going and how scared they were. san was moving back home to be a teacher and wasn't scared at all. you were leaving for a bigger and better city the day after graduation and you were terrified.
later, san pulled you to the side and asked if you were ok. you knew he was referring to the job stuff, but you had other things on your mind. you were a little tipsy, so you decide that's why you leaned in and kissed him. it was quick, soft, barely a kiss, but you did it. you kissed him and pulled back faster than san could think, his eyes still closed when you parted and said, "i just wanted to know what it would feel like."
you were able to avoid him for the rest of the party, enjoying your last few hours with some of your best friends. you had an early morning, so you stopped drinking before everyone else and found yourself as a designated walker at the end of the night. you and san were elected to walk a few friends back to their dorms, dropping them off as you passed each building on your own walk home. inevitably, you were left alone with san at your door like that night months ago. san looked like he wanted to say something, and you didn't want him to leave, so instead of separating at the door you invited him in.
you'll never forget that night, and neither will san. but with your paths parting in a few days, you thought it would be something you could move on from eventually. a few weeks later, in your new city, at the perfect job, you found out you were pregnant. it hurt, the decision to not tell san, but the thought of stopping your life before it even started hurt more. you figured you would never see san again, or that you could at least keep the kid a secret if you ever hung out with your college friends again. you never thought that you'd somehow end up moving your daughter to the neighborhood where san grew up, or that the great school you fought to enroll her in could possibly be where san currently worked. but that's life, isn't it? or fate. or maybe just dumb luck. whatever it was, the universe was trying to get you to tell the truth and you're not sure you're ready to do that. to yourself, to violet, or to san.
-
san can't stop thinking about you. he tries so hard to catch a glimpse of you during carpool, but he's too busy focusing on a million other things and never manages to find you. he tries to think about how he could use violet to talk to you, like sending a note home with her, but that's inappropriate. he needs to see you again, though. that's when he gets an idea.
you and jen have become genuine friends, which has made things confusing for violet only because she treats jen like her teacher in casual settings. you met up for dinner the other night and violet raised her hand to ask jen a question, so hopefully she'll get used to it. san knows you two are close, and he knows if he asks jen about you she'll tell him whatever he wants to know.
at lunch one day he finds jen in the teacher's lounge and motions to the empty seat at her table. she lets him sit, but warns, "wooyoung saved the other seats for himself, so leave now if you want to."
wooyoung, one of the third grade teachers, was actually one of san's best friends. he's a hand full, yes, but fiercely loyal and caring. san doesn't necessarily want him to hear the conversation he wanted to have with jen, but oh well. as soon as san has that thought, wooyoung is bursting through the door with a stack of plastic containers from the lunchroom in his arms.
"m'lady," he nods to jen as he passes her a container. he looks to san and asks, "you want one bro?"
"what's in it?" san asks skeptically, and wooyoung shows off a stack of chicken sandwiches. "seriously?"
"hey, they're really good," jen pipes up. "the kids are lucky they get to eat these."
"how did you get so many?" san asks wooyoung as he takes a sandwich anyway.
"flirted with the lunch ladies."
"course you did," jen rolls her eyes, taking a bite of the sandwich. she chuckles to herself, and then shares, "you know, there's a kid in my class who calls these sammiches? no matter how many times you correct her, she won't say anything else. she told me this morning she didn't want to come to school, but she did because it was sammich day."
that's violet. san knows it is. he heard a snippet of your conversation in jen's classroom weeks ago, but he also knows he's heard violet say something similar when she comes to the gym. she loves those sandwiches, and san must admit, now that he's tried one he gets the hype. this is his shot though, he thinks to himself. he clears his throat and asks, "that's y/n's girl right?"
"who's y/n?" wooyoung asks, and jen responds, "san's girlfriend."
"no she's not," san says quickly. "she's kidding."
"you like her though?" wooyoung smirks, and san shakes his head.
"i-it's not like that," san explains. "i knew her a long time ago, and haven't seen her for a few years. that's all."
"so what about her?" jen asks.
"what do you mean?"
"well you brought her up," jen laughs. "you want me to tell her you asked about her? that feels very elementary of you, san."
"no, no, i was just, uh," san racks his brain for a response, "um, she's your room mom right? i may need to talk to her, for um, uh, field day."
"sure," jen nods. "i can give you her number, if you don't have it?"
"yeah, yeah," san nods too, "sure, if you think that'll be ok. i mean, i just needed to ask something, really quick, but, um, sure, yeah."
"if you really need to talk to her, she's coming in tomorrow i think," jen says, checking her phone. "yeah, tomorrow is violet's birthday, so y/n is bringing cupcakes at lunch. you can just stop by my class table and ask her whatever you need to ask her."
"oh, cool, great," san nods. wooyoung and jen share a quiet laugh, noticing that san seems like a bobblehead nodding so nervously. "yeah, tomorrow. lunch tomorrow. i'll be here."
-
you're running late. it's your kid's frickin birthday and you're late. you wanted to be supermom, make cupcakes from scratch, but work has been crazy on top of all the prep for violet's party, and you're just one woman. you can't do all of this by yourself, and it's times like these that you wish...no. that's not where you're going to let your mind wander today. today is all about violet, so as you rush out of the grocery store, you handle the store bought cupcakes with intense care. you can't be late and show up with smushed cupcakes.
thankfully this town is small enough that everything is within spitting distance, so you arrive at violet's school with just a few minutes left in her lunch. you hurry through the check in, rushing off to where you hope the lunchroom is. it would be just your luck to get lost right now, but you let out a breath of relief when you turn the corner and see the cafeteria ahead. you have to pause at the door to look for her class, and you hold back a sob when you see one very broad shouldered man sitting next to your beautiful daughter. you manage to walk up without violet seeing you, but at the sound of your footsteps, san turns. he smiles at you softly and he looks so much like violet it hurts. your eyes drift to your daughter, who's noticed you now and bounces in her seat.
"hey birthday girl," you say meekly, clearing your throat before you speak again. "how's your day been?"
"good!" violet smiles, showing you a half eaten vanilla cupcake with purple icing. "mr. choi brought me birthday cake!"
"aw, that's sweet," you say, looking to san. he's staring at you intensely as you ask, "did you tell him thank you?"
"i did!" violet confirms, but she turns to san and repeats, "thank you, it was yummy."
"do you have room for another?" you ask her, holding up the cupcakes you brought. violet already looks ready to bounce off the walls, so you'll have to apologize to jen later, but you ask if she wants to help pass out cupcakes to her friends. you hold the containers as she carefully hands out the treats, and you're pleased to know there were plenty of cupcakes for everyone. actually, there's some left over, so you start packing them up to take home but violet stops you.
"mommy, we need to give mr. choi one," she tells you, and you look to san sheepishly. "and there's one for you too, mommy!"
"i guess we're having cupcakes," you chuckle with san, offering him one of the last two cupcakes. "vi, can i take your spot?" she nods eagerly, letting you sit on the hilariously tiny lunch chair. you struggle balancing on it and look up to see san watching, trying not to laugh. violet is oblivious though, icing smeared all over her face as she talks to her friend across the table. "hey, no laughing. it's been a long day."
"sorry," san says, the remnants of a smile still on his face. "you doing alright?"
"i'm fine," you sigh slightly. you look at san again, really look at him, and you feel your heart constrict. "thank you for bringing her a cupcake."
"oh, sure," san says. "i didn't want to overstep, but jen told me yesterday, and i figured violet could at least take it home, but when i got here and didn't see, uh...you weren't here-"
"you can say it, i was late to my own kid's birthday," you laugh, rubbing your hand over your face. san finds himself staring at your fingers and something pops into his head.
"and again i ask, you doing alright?" he laughs with you. "being a parent must be hard."
"it has its bad days," you admit. "but for every bad day there's hundreds of good ones, so it makes the whole single parenting thing a little easier."
there it is. single. san looks down to your hands again, and has to hide his satisfied smirk. there's no ring.
"so, what-" san starts to ask, but the bell dings and the cafeteria erupts in even more sound. students talking, teachers yelling, chairs scraping as everyone is set in motion. jen walks over then, smiling when she sees you and san sat so close together. she waves hello before calling for her class, and you give violet a big squeezey hug and a kiss on the forehead before she takes her food and runs off. san watches you watching violet, and now it's his turn for his heart to twist. he's missed you. a lot.
"i guess i better go," you say as you gather all of the cupcake trash. san covers his hands over yours, stilling your movements and your heart, and says, "let me, i'll clean up."
"th-thank you san," you say shyly, and he waves you off. he can feel your eyes on him as he walks to the trash cans, and he can't help it, when he turns around he pulls a face that used to always make you laugh. his success rate is still high, because a beautiful giggle appears from deep within your chest, and then san is standing back in front of you. you know him, and you know there's something he wants to say, so you ask, "are you doing alright?"
"i'm fine," he nods, and you playfully push his shoulder. he smiles as he goes on, "actually, i was thinking about it, and i'll need your new number. for field day purposes, of course."
"oh," you breathe. "oh, right. room mom stuff. um, well unless you deleted my contact info, my number is the same."
"oh."
"yeah."
"right, then i guess i'm good," san says, looking around for any last bits of trash. "always good seeing you, y/n. tell violet happy birthday again from me."
"will do," you squeak out, calling out your thanks to him one last time as he walks away. you're left in the now silent lunchroom, heart and mind racing.
-
"i'm just saying, you and san would make a cute couple," jen repeats for what feels like the millionth time today. she's come over to your house early to help set up violet's birthday party, and you're thankful for the help but wishing the set up was less obvious. "you already know each other, so it's not like you'd have to go through that awkward dating phase-"
"did we put balloons on the mailbox already?" you cut through her words, grabbing a couple pink and purple balloons from the pile on the table. "i'll do that now, so people know which house it is. if vi wakes up, tell her i'll make birthday pancakes as soon as i'm done."
"will do," jen salutes you, taking the remaining balloons into the living room. "i'll tack these to the ceiling or something."
"please don't!" you call out before you shut the door, and you take a deep breath when you're outside alone. you don't know how to make jen stop talking about san, and it's draining. you've tried changing the subject and she always finds a way to bring san back into it. she means well, you know that. but what she doesn't know is that everything she says about san just rubs salt in the wound you inflicted on yourself, and it's getting harder to ignore. you're either going to snap and tell her to shut up, or you're going to snap and admit to what you've been hiding. either option isn't ideal, so fingers crossed violet wakes up soon and you can use her as a buffer.
tying the balloons to your mailbox ended up being more of an ordeal than you thought, so it takes you a while to trudge back into the house. you're tired already and the party hasn't started yet. you're making another cup of coffee when you realize the house is quiet, no sounds of jen and no sounds of vi. you let the coffee pot run as you walk around in search of the girls, and you hear a faint noise coming from the backyard. a peek through the window shows jen and violet running streamers from the back porch to vi's playset, and your heart warms. while they're outside, you get to work on the birthday pancakes in peace. you're almost done with them when you get a call, groaning to yourself thinking it's a parent calling about the party. you don't check the name before you answer, letting out a perfectly nice, "hello?"
"y/n, hi," san says on the other line. "is this a bad time?"
"um, n-no," you stammer, "it's um, no, i can talk. just for a minute."
"if you're busy i can call back-"
"no, san, go ahead," you insist. "just be warned i'm making pancakes, so i am a little distracted."
"oh yeah, you used to suck at those," san teases, and for a moment you're thrown back to college. you remember san staying over at your dorm, claiming he was too drunk to walk the fifteen steps down the hall. you let him crash on your floor, and he woke up to an awful hangover and the sound of you cursing over your batch of blackened pancakes. trying to be nice, san tried one anyway. you'll never forget the way you both belly laughed after he lied and said they were good with a look of fear in his eyes. later he admitted he'd never had something so bad, and you swore to never make pancakes again. san obviously remembers, because he asks, "what made you stop the pancake ban?"
"they're for vi's birthday."
"her birthday was on tuesday i thought?"
"yeah, but we're having her party today," you explain, and then you clap your hand to your forehead. you shouldn't have said anything.
"oh then i won't keep you," san says quickly. there's something strange in his voice, but you're so far removed from him that you can't pick up on it. "i hate to call about school stuff on the weekend, but this is the only time i had..."
while san explains the reason for his call (room mom duties + he missed you, but he leaves that part out), jen and violet come in from the backyard. streamers are done, and violet is wearing a torn one around her neck like a scarf. you wave her over for a hug and a kiss, and jen mouths, "who are you talking to?" so you show your phone screen. she gasps when she sees it's san, and it's like you're watching a lightbulb spring from her head. she's got an idea.
"invite him to the party!" jen hisses, and you push her away.
"is that the birthday girl?" san asks, and there's a softness in his voice that makes you melt. "do you need to go?"
"no, just one of the birthday elves being annoying," you grumble, trying to elbow away from jen but she grabs your phone anyway and says a cheery hello to her coworker.
"hey san! happy saturday," she starts off. "listen, are you doing anything around, say, one o'clock?"
"uh, not that i can think of-"
"great! then i'll have y/n text you her address, you should come to violet's party. there's plenty of food, and we'd love to see you!" jen says with an evil smile plastered on her face.
"um, can you hand me back to y/n?" san asks, and jen relinquishes your phone then disappears.
"san, you do not have to come if you don't want to, jen is-"
"jen's what!?" jen shouts from somewhere within your house.
"i want to come," san says, and you're so surprised you almost drop the pancake you're trying to flip. "if that's ok."
"i..." you trail off, and then you look at violet. sweet, lovely violet. you would do anything for that girl, but you know she deserves more. she deserves both parents, and the little part of you that's been wondering if san's reappearance was a sign is the part that wins you over. you say, "yeah, come to the party. i want you here."
"then i'm there," san says, and you can hear his smile. "should i bring a present?"
"no, god, don't worry about that. girl's spoiled already, she doesn't need another toy," you tell him, and san laughs.
"alright. then text me the address, and i'll see you soon i guess."
"yeah, see you soon," you mumble as you hang up and look around for jen. she's rightfully hiding somewhere, but violet's voice distracts you as she asks who you were talking to. "well sugar, i have an extra birthday surprise for you," you say as you plate her pancakes. "mr. choi might be coming to your party, is that ok?"
"mr. choi?!" violet shrieks as she stands in her chair. you remind her not to do that and she listens, but she looks at you and asks, "for seriously? he's my favorite teacher."
"hey," jen whines as she rejoins you, throwing away the remnants of wrapping paper in her hands. "and to think i got you the biggest coolest birthday present ever."
"really?" you and violet ask in unison, and jen nods enthusiastically at your daughter. when she joins you at the sink she whispers, "i didn't go overboard."
"yes you did," you whisper back.
"what did san want?" jen asks with that evil smile again, and you try to elbow her side but she darts away too quickly.
"i had told him about the game the kinder moms wanted our grade to do for field day, and he forgot what supplies it needed," you explain. "so he was calling about that, and the call was almost over when someone interrupted."
"y/n, listen," jen says sternly, and you both look over to violet to make sure she's distracted. jen keeps her voice down as she continues, "he likes you. don't ask me how i know, but i know. and the way you get so nervous around him, i know it sounds childish, but i think you have a crush on him-"
"jen," you say seriously. "please stop. you don't know what you're doing."
"no, y/n, you don't know what you're doing!" jen says, and you step back. "no, i don't mean it like that. i just mean, you said you were having a hard time doing this on your own. it may not be my place, but i think san could help. he'd be good for you and violet."
"you remember how san and i were friends years ago?" you ask, and jen nods, about to add to her case, but you cut her off. "we were close. really close."
"did you kiss?" jen asks excitedly and you roll your eyes.
"will you focus?" you smile anyway, and add, "we spent most of our time together, but then life stuff changed. we went in completely different directions, and it was just easier to say goodbye and go our separate ways. that was five years ago. well, six, now i guess," you correct yourself, your eyes betraying you as they flick back over to violet.
"oh my god," jen gasps. "no."
"yes."
"no way."
"yes."
"you're a liar."
"mommy's not a liar," violet chimes in, and you let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cry. "miss jen, that wasn't very nice."
"i'm sorry violet, you're right," jen says calmly. she looks closely at violet and then to you. "but sometimes what's right is hard to do."
"i know that," you sigh. "believe me. but we can talk about this later."
"you bet your ass we are!"
"miss jen!"
"sorry, sorry!"
-
you and jen do a good job of ignoring the truth bomb you set off just before guests started arriving, but knowing san will be here soon keeps you on edge all day. violet is having the time of her life, which takes a little bit of pressure off of you at least. you just have to play host to your family and friends all while keeping one eye on the door for san.
he arrives just past one. you heard the doorbell from the backyard, but as you're walking through the house you see your aunt opening the door for him. it opens to a stunning version of the man you've tried so hard to hide from, and just looking at him makes you blush. he's dressed casually, but nicer than the work out clothes you see him in at the school. jeans and a sweater, and glasses. san never wore glasses in school, and you're wondering why this news is making your stomach flip. when san finds you, his face lights up. he makes his way around a group of kids and pulls you into a polite hug, mumbling his greeting into your hair. you wish time would stop for a moment, let you stay in his hold a second longer. but he's pulling away and shyly presenting a gift bag, his sheepish eyes saying "sorry but not sorry."
"i told you not to bring anything," you scoff, taking the gift over to the present table anyway.
"it's something small, but i think she'll like it," san says, and you thank him. it's awkward for a second as you both search for something to say, but in the quiet san reaches to push his glasses further up his nose and you smile.
"so you getting old, choi?" you tease him, pointing to the glasses. "how long have you needed those for?"
"just a couple years," san shrugs. "i don't mind them, but it's easier to wear contacts at work. i actually like the way they look."
"they're cute," you agree, and you feel your heart thudding in your chest as san processes the compliment. he looks around your house then, and he distractedly puts an arm around you in another hug as he says, "your house is great, by the way. you've really made a life for yourself, y/n." he looks at you while he says the next part, "i hope you're proud of yourself."
"i am," you nod, suddenly very aware of how many people are here and possibly looking at you two. you feign a cough and san gets the hint. he pulls away and you immediately feel cold, but you catch a glimpse of jen eyeing you in the corner of the room. you shake off whatever was distracting you because of the man at your side, and you're about to excuse yourself to find violet when the woman in question appears below you.
"mr. choi!!!" she shouts as she jumps in place. "you're here!"
"i am!" he replies, holding hands and jumping with violet. "are you having fun?"
"yeah! cmere, i wanna show you my swings!" she says excitedly, and then san is being dragged outside. you follow at a safe distance, wanting to see how they interact without making it too obvious you're watching san and not your kid. some of the school kids present recognize a big kid in san and soon he's got a whole herd following him around. you laugh seeing him be so silly, so freely himself with these kids, and you wonder if this is what he's like as a teacher. then you find your mind wandering to what san would be like as a dad. you know he'd be great, so what are you doing?
you know you have to tell him. you see the way violet is smiling and laughing, and you can't keep this kind of joy from her anymore. you don't know when, and you don't know how, but you will tell san that he's the father of your daughter.
-
violet's birthday party was perfect. she had an amazing time, her friends had an amazing time, and you had an amazing time. with san. he fit back into your life perfectly, and as you were saying your goodbyes at the end of the night, you had the intense desire to kiss him. you didn't, but that's only because jen came over with a sleepy violet that she thrust into your arms. you and san were cooing over the tired party girl and jen inconspicuously snapped a picture of the three of you. you and san, looking down at violet with so much love in your eyes, and violet smiling her biggest smile. jen texted it to you later and you were grateful to have this moment captured forever.
you were staring at that photo now, waiting for violet to finish getting ready for school. you weren't really paying attention to the time, caught up in admiring san. you felt a sense of calm and safety when you thought of him, looked at him, and you're kicking yourself for keeping that same feeling from violet's life. you were so distracted by your thoughts that you didn't hear violet walk up, so you almost jumped out of your skin when she says, "whatcha doooin?" directly into your ear.
"oh baby you scared me," you gasp. she giggles and points to your phone.
"you were staring at mr. choi!"
"i was not," you roll your eyes, but she nods and goes, "yeah huh."
"i'm not getting into a yeah huh nuh uh fight with you right now," you say as you ruffle her hair. "you ready for school?" it's then that you give her a once over and screw your face up in confusion. "where's that shirt from? i don't remember buying you that."
"it was my gift from mr. choi, 'member?" violet says proudly as she shows it off.
"yeah, yeah, i guess i do," you reply. "you wanted to wear it to school?"
"so i can tell him thank you," she says simply, and you place a soft kiss on her forehead. your sweet girl.
"i'm sure he'll be happy to see it. c'mon, let's go."
-
san had an awful morning. none of the classes would listen to him, half of his equipment for this unit was broken or missing, and apparently he was getting evaluated this afternoon. nothing was wrong, it was just protocol, but why did he find out about it two hours before it was supposed to happen? he was stressed, unprepared, and wearing a t shirt that apparently has a hole in the armpit. one of the unruly classes so kindly pointed that out for him. so yeah, it's been a bad day. that's why he sat down at lunch with a huff, interrupting whatever jen and wooyoung had been talking about prior to his dramatic entrance.
"what's wrong with you?" wooyoung asks bluntly, and san scoffs.
"one of those days where i'm considering child abandonment."
"san!" jen gasps.
"i'm joking, chill out," he sighs. "i just. can today be over? i'd like it to be over. or can i get a redo? that might be better, considering i have an eval today i know i'm not gonna pass."
"if you go into it like that then duh you're gonna do bad," jen says. "but it hasn't even happened yet, so why be so negative?"
"whatever," san huffs again, poking at his food like it's the root of his bad day. "how has your day been."
"great, my kids are angels and i love my job," wooyoung jokes, so san kicks him under the table.
"your class was the first one to put me in a bad mood this morning."
"yeah, because i told them i accidentally killed our class pet."
"wooyoung!" jen gasps again.
"accidentally!"
"how'd you manage that?" san asks with the beginnings of a smile on his face. not that he was laughing over the death of a very tiny pet, no. but he did enjoy seeing wooyoung making mistakes. makes the world go round, he thinks.
"i forgot to take it home for the weekend and i came in this morning to bob the beta fish belly up," wooyoung explains. he raises his carton of strawberry milk in a toast, which san and jen play along with. "he didn't live long, i didn't like him, and the kids barely knew he was there. bob, may you rest in peace."
"this isn't making me feel better," san whines as they clink their drinks together.
"oh!" jen says happily, "i have something!" she shuffles around looking for her phone, and excitedly pulls something up for san to see. she shoves the screen so close to his face he can barely see anything, so he takes her phone and blinks to let his eyes adjust. he smiles immediately when he realizes it's the picture of him, you, and violet. he's so mesmerized by your beauty, all these years later, that it takes him a minute to shift his focus to the equally beautiful violet squeezed between you. she's perfect, san thinks. if he had a kid, he'd want her to be just like violet: kind, funny, full of energy and life.
"who is that?" wooyoung asks, pushing his face close to san's to catch a glimpse. "ooo, is that your milf?"
it's jen's turn to kick him underneath the table, but san must admit, that was a little funny. he doesn't answer right away, though. something about the picture has caught his attention.
"no," jen says sternly since san has gone mute. "that's my friend y/n and her kid violet, we've talked about them before. san came to her birthday party this weekend."
"the milf?!"
"no!" jen repeats. "violet. i helped y/n with the party, and since she and san go way back, i kinda invited san without her knowing."
"nice," wooyoung nods. "good. get him into the house, and then into her heart. maybe the pants too-"
"dude," san finally cuts in. "what's wrong with you?"
"you two are boring me," he sighs. "sue me if i wanted to have a little fun with our conversation."
"you took this?" san asks jen, ignoring wooyoung now. she says yes, so he asks, "can i send it to myself? do you think y/n would mind?"
"no, i think that's fine," jen replies with a smile. "go ahead."
"thanks," san mumbles, typing his number in quickly to send the photo. he doesn't want to seem weird, sitting here staring at it, but there's still something he can't quite put his finger on. something familiar about it. not quite deja vu, but like he's seen this before. he hands jen's phone back to her, and she continues some inane argument with wooyoung as san checks his phone. huh, he thinks, taking one last look at the photo as he saves it to his library. violet sure has a nice smile.
-
san's day does not get better. the evaluation was mediocre at best, but the assistant principal doing the visit pulled him aside and promised better equipment in the new year. at least one good thing came out of this awful day.
well, two good things. san keeps opening his phone just to stare at that picture of himself with you and violet. his desire to patch things up with you only continues to grow, and he's been thinking about you so much that he swears he hears your voice calling his name at the end of the day. then a squeakier, tinier voice joins in, and san realizes, oh shit, you and violet are in his office.
"hey, sorry," he shakes his head to clear his thoughts. "god, sorry. how long were you standing there?"
"not long," you assure him. "i hope we're not bothering you?"
"not at all," he says as he stands. violet runs up to him then, turning from side to side with her hands clasped in front of her. san laughs, looking from her to you as he asks, "what's going on?"
"vi had a surprise for you, and she forgot she didn't have pe today so she got into the car crying because you didn't get to see it," you explain. "we turned around as soon as i got the story, and now we're here. do you recognize her shirt at all?"
"oh my god!" san smiles, violet joining in. san bends down to pick her up and swings her around to the sound of giggles. "you're wearing my present! do you like it?"
"i do!" she chirps, hiccuping a little as the giggles continue. san slows and carefully places her back down as she says, "thank you for coming to my party."
"thank you for inviting me," san replies, and you realize he's talking to you. you consider telling him now, you can feel his gaze pulling the words right out of you, but you chicken out.
"thank jen," you remind him. "she's the one who ambushed me."
"ambush?" san laughs nervously. "i hope me coming over wasn't an ambush."
"i shouldn't have said that," you shake your head. "i just." you take a deep breath. "it's been hard, you know, seeing you again. getting used to you being back in my life."
"happy to be here," san says coolly, and you pick up on the undertones. you knew he must have been upset with you, only wanting him when you couldn't have him. he'd given you so many chances to be his, but you grasped the last one. san was mad at himself first, and he's not mad at you per se, but the memory of that still hurts. he could have been in your life, violet's life, this whole time. it was you who kept the door bolted shut. now it's like there's little cracks filtering in bits of sunlight, and you're basking in them. you're just afraid that the warmth you feel from san now will burn you someday, that your past will be too hard to get over, and you can't tell him about violet until you know how he really feels.
"listen, we should go, but i want to hang out with you soon," you tell him, and san looks at you confused. "we need to catch up, don't you think?"
"sure," san agrees. "let me know where to be and when, i'll make it work."
-
that friday night, you have a babysitter (jen) and plans to meet san for dinner. jen is already here, you can hear her and violet whispering about something in the living room as you finish getting ready. this is not a date, but you're so nervous it might as well be. you could end up telling san tonight, if things go right. and if they go wrong...that's what's making you so nervous. the anxious side of you is already thinking of schools you can move violet to if the night goes bad, and the optimist is thinking about san finally being a dad to violet.
it's like he knew you were thinking about him, because his caller id lights up your phone (yes, his contact photo is that picture).
"you're cancelling," you say as soon as you pick up.
"what? no, freak," san chuckles. "i'm outside, but i'm sorry, i can't remember if your house has the red door or the blue one."
"you're what?" you ask, walking from your room to the front door. jen and violet watch on in curiosity, and you let out a sound of disbelief when you open the door to see san, standing by his car, looking from your house to the one next door.
"oh. found it," he teases, hanging up as he comes to the door. "you're not ready yet?"
"no, because i thought we were meeting there, i had more time," you say as you check your phone and notice you actually did not have time. "ok, i thought i had more time, but still. you didn't say you were picking me up."
"surprise?" san says sheepishly, peeking inside to wave to the girls.
"hi mr. choi!" they respond in unison, and san chuckles again.
"um, well, i wasn't expecting- i still have to-" you stammer out, basically turning in circles before staring back up at san. "give me two minutes."
"two? it'll be more like ten," san calls after you. you sort of sprint back to your room, checking that you look put together. your eyes look nervous, though. you hope san can't pick up on that. you grab your favorite necklace, one that violet picked out for you recently, and hold onto the heart pendant as you take a deep breath. you can do this. it's just san, your old pal! your friend! the father of your daughter who has no idea his life could have been completely different or that it's going to change with the information you're about to give him! great! let's go eat some tacos!
you and san both give violet hugs goodbye (she insisted) and jen says goodbye with a wiggle of her eyebrows. she thinks this is a date, and she spent an appropriate amount of time hyping you up tonight. she's known san more recently, so she gave you good insight on the whole telling him situation. she assured you that, while he may be frustrated by you not telling him sooner, under it all he'll be happy. he's wanted a family of his own since he started working at the school, so she's sure he'll be nothing but thrilled once the initial shock wears off. boy do you hope she's right.
-
san is being such a gentleman. first picking you up, then rushing out of the car to open your door for you, pulling your chair out at the restaurant...it's making this feel like a date. it's also making you scared that you're going to chicken out, but you can't.
"so," san says with a :] smile. "what did you want to talk about?" you take a moment to mess with the chips and salsa in front of you before you respond. you're taking so long that san takes a deep breath and starts, "i hope you know i'm not mad at you."
"what?" you ask in a small voice, chip halfway to your mouth.
"i'm not mad at you," san goes on. "i never was. i hope you know that."
"but i was a dick," you tell him, and he lowers his head with a laugh. you want him to listen to you though, so you grab his hand laid out on the table and squeeze. "no, seriously, that was such an asshole move on my part. only letting down my walls and letting you in the night before we both moved away? i've never forgiven myself for that."
"but you should," san shrugs. "i understand. i'm glad it happened. if i had to choose, i'd rather it happen the exact same way than not happen at all."
"right," and now it's your turn to look down. you let go of san's hand and go back to messing with the food in front of you. "i'm still sorry for how i acted."
"it's ok, i promise," san assures you. you aren't looking at him so he clears his throat and says, "actually, while we're talking about...back then. i have something to tell you too." oh no, you think. you nod to encourage him to continue, not sure you can speak right now. "um, well, here goes. i know it's been years, and we've barely talked since school, but..i don't know, y/n. i still think you're the one for me, and i was just wondering, maybe, since we're both in the same town again, and we see each other so often..."
"what, san?" you whisper, afraid of what he's going to say.
"will you go out with me?" he asks. "finally?"
"san," you sigh, and he shakes his head.
"no, don't say no yet. you can think about it. i know you have a lot more to consider than i do, so i don't mind waiting. but i wanted to put it out there. in case, uh, in case you were interested."
"put it out there? why are you talking about this like a couch you're trying to get rid of?" you tease him to ease the tension. "you just asked me out and now you sound like you're not sure."
"i'm sure," san says firmly. "very sure. but i don't want you to feel pressured."
"you've never made me feel anything but loved, san," you let slip, and you want to etch the look on his face into your memory forever. he looks so pleased, so purely happy at your words. they're hanging in the air as the waiter comes by to take your order, and that provides enough of a distraction that you both go back to a semblance of normalcy when he leaves. you fall into an easy conversation, catching up over your lost years. san tells you all about work, his family, his friends. it makes you happy that you chose this town, this school, to raise your kid in.
you fill san in too, but only the highlights. you don't want to ruin your dinner with the news, so you tell him about your career since he knows the least about that. he can't stop telling you how proud he is, and reiterates how amazing you are for raising a kid on top of it. you've got a steady blush on your cheeks as you keep chatting, and you notice then that the meal is over. your plates have been cleared for a while, and san paid without you knowing. how'd he do that?
"i was going to pay for my food," you protest.
"nope, my treat," san says. "let someone else take care of you for once."
"well thanks," you squeak out. "i've got you next time though."
"if there's a next time, i'm still paying," san replies so you roll your eyes and drop it for now. "um, before we go though, i was wondering...can i ask about violet? i feel like you barely mentioned her."
"oh, sorry," you laugh it off. "i don't get a chance to talk about myself a lot, so i'm not saying i forgot to mention vi, i just..."
"i get it," san nods in understanding. "you wanted to brag about yourself for a minute, that's ok. i'm glad you did."
"good," you smile shyly. "but, yeah, violet. what about her?"
"i wanna hear as much as you're willing to tell me," san says, and looking into your eyes, you know he means the father. "was there some great love of your life you don't want to tell me about?"
"san, it's not like that," you tell him, then think to yourself that in a way it is true. you think san is the love of your life, but you can't say that yet. "right, well, i have something to tell you, actually," you say in a voice stronger than you expected. you thought you'd be nervous, but it's like some mom power kicks in and you're able to stare directly into san's strong, gorgeous eyes as you speak. "can i?" you motion to his hands, and he holds them out so you can place your smaller ones in his. still looking into the eyes you've grown to love, you take a deep breath and say, "i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner. but san, you're violet's dad. she's your daughter."
"what?" he asks in a shaky voice.
"when we.." you try to explain, and have to start over, "that night. five years ago-"
"six," san corrects.
"six, you're right. that night was when she...yeah. i found out about violet a month later, after i had moved. i tried calling you. i did, i swear, and i know that sounds so childish but it's the truth. i tried calling you, tried figuring out how to tell you...but i heard how happy you were, how easy it was for you to settle into your life back at home. i didn't want to throw something unexpected at you and change all of that."
you rambled, and you're not sure how easy that was to follow. or how believable it was either, but you've said it. you're watching san take it in, and he's unnervingly calm. you can't read his face at all, but you realize you've been squeezing his hands and he's squeezing yours right back. you relax your grip then, but he doesn't. he stays quiet.
"san, say something."
"th-thank you," he stutters, finally slipping his hands out of yours. "thanks for protecting me from that, i guess."
"san, i-"
"no, y/n, it's fine," he shakes his head and stands. "come on, let's go. it's getting late."
-
the car ride is silent. san says nothing, but you can feel the emotions radiating from him. or maybe those are your own? fear, resentment, sadness...you always thought telling san the truth would make everything better. make you feel at peace at last. but currently you feel more ill at ease than you ever have. you want to crawl out of your skin, you want to scream at yourself, at san, just to get some kind of reaction out of him.
when he pulls into your driveway, he puts the car in park but doesn't unlock the door. you can tell he wants to say something, so you wait. you think you see jen peeking through the blinds, but you're not sure. a quick glance at the clock tells you violet's been in bed for a while, but knowing jen she probably let her stay up a little longer. you hope she's still awake when you go in, you could really use a hug from her right now.
"y/n," san calls your name softly. you turn your body completely so he can see you fully, and you see he's gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. "does she know?"
"huh?"
"violet," san says her name so carefully, so purposefully. like it's taken on a new meaning. "does violet now i'm her dad?"
"n-no," you stutter, and san slumps his head down. "but i told her about you. about her dad."
"she looks just like me," he says, and that's when you notice the sadness in his voice. he sounds broken, and it feels like your heart rips itself to shreds.
"san, i am so sor-"
"don't. just don't." you watch him carefully, and you think you see tears. "i can't..."
"can't what?" you want to reach out and touch him, to brush the tears away, but you hesitate.
"i can't believe you kept this from me," he says in a whisper so small you barely heard it.
"i was young and stupid and scared, san," you defend yourself. "i didn't know what i was doing, i should have tried harder to get in touch but-"
"i didn't get to be there y/n," he spits out, and you stop talking as he turns to you. "i missed her birth, her first steps, her first words. i wasn't in her life! she's my kid and you kept her from me for some of the most important years of her life."
"i know, and i'm..i'm sorry."
"sorry doesn't cut it." he's full on crying now. "i thought...i thought you cared about me. about what we meant to each other. how could you do this?"
"i was wrong to keep you away," you admit. "it ate me alive every day, but the longer i waited the harder it was to call you. and this is totally self inflicted but raising a kid on my own was hard! after i made that choice i barely had time to think about anything else!" you're shouting now, not out of anger, but frustration. "it was selfish, and i'm sorry. but i told you. you've always been part of violet's life. i tell her about her dad all the time. she asks about you, and i've never lied to her. i only kept your name, who you are to me, a secret."
"yeah that makes me feel so much better," san rolls his eyes, and you scoff before reaching over him to unlock the doors. as soon as you do, you're out of the car and rushing to your front door, san running behind you calling your name.
you get into the house and see jen moving around in the kitchen, but no signs of violet. san has stopped behind you, standing awkwardly at the threshold, so you grab his shirt and pull him along with you into violet's room. at the sound of the door opening she bolts up in bed. she looks confused, seeing two figures in her doorway, but when she recognizes you she makes little grabby hands for you to join her. again, san stays at the door, watching the two of you with a new perspective.
"cmere sugar," you whisper softly, sitting on violet's bed. you maneuver her so she's sitting on your lap.
"why is mr. choi here?" she asks, and you hear san take in a breath.
"his name is san, violet. and he's very important to me," you explain. violet is facing san as you ask, "can you tell us all you know about your daddy?" she nods, and then begins.
"mommy says he's very nice, the nicest man in the world!" violet starts out. "she says he's smart and strong and funny and handsome. she says i have his smile!" and with this she smiles, teeth and all, and san sees himself in her. it brings tears to his eyes, but she keeps going. "mommy says he's caring, and i had to ask what that meant. she says being caring means you're a good friend and you're nice to everybody. that reminds me of you, mr. san!"
"anything else baby?" you ask violet, stroking her hair. "what else do we say about daddy?"
"we love him very much," violet answers proudly. "and even if he's not with us, like in the same house or something, he's always right here!" and with that she puts her hand over her heart. she looks up at you then, asking, "did i miss anything mommy?"
"nope, you got it all sugar," and you kiss the top of her head, afraid to meet san's eyes. "thank you, violet. are you ready to go back to bed now?"
"yeah, but i want a bedtime story," she pouts, and you wonder if san notices how similar they look then too. "babysitter jen does too many funny voices, and one of them scared me."
"ok, i'll read you a story," you whisper, slowly and carefully dumping her back into bed as you stand. "but i need to talk to san really quick, is that ok?"
"uh huh," violet nods with a yawn, cuddling back up to her favorite stuffie. as san looks around her room, he notices a pillow he used to have, tucked in the corner of violet's bed. he used to call it shiber, it was something silly, but he loved that thing in college. it went missing the week before school ended, and san always wondered where it went. well, now he knows.
you carefully pull violet's door shut as the two of you back out into the hallway. the rest of the house is quiet, so you wonder briefly if jen has gone home. you look to san, ready to defend yourself further, get him to understand where you're coming from, but then you see the tears on his cheeks. now you do reach up and wipe them away, his hands covering yours and squeezing tightly.
"i am so sorry for keeping you away," you say one last time. "it was wrong. it will take time, but i will do everything i can to make that up to you."
"you can do it right now," san breathes out, the first easy breath he's taken since this conversation started. "let me be in her life. in yours. i missed so much, i can't miss anymore of it."
"we're here if you want us," you tell him, and san squeezes your hands again before pulling them from his face. he drapes your arms over his shoulders, his drifting to your waist.
"i do," he nods eagerly. "i want you." and with that, he kisses you. it's not a soft kiss, no. there's more force behind it than that. there's six years (maybe more) of repressed feelings in that kiss. it's the kind of kiss that makes you want to pop your foot up, the kind that sends butterflies soaring up from your stomach through your chest. you're so lost in the feeling that you don't hear violet's door open, and then...
"oh! mommy! mr. san is biting you!" violet shrieks, so you and san finally detach. you keep your foreheads together as you look down at violet staring disapprovingly at you.
"he's not biting me, we were kissing," you explain to her, but she doesn't like that answer.
"hey, i got in trouble for kissing a boy on the playground," she whines, and san looks at you in shock. you nod to confirm as you tell her, "that's because you shouldn't kiss at school. and you're too young. you can kiss when you're-"
"thirty," san finishes for you, making you both laugh as violet whines more.
"i was just gonna say when she's older," you whisper to him, and he shrugs.
"had to assert my parenting style somehow."
"why are you and mr. san whispering?" violet asks with a jump and her arms in the air. you're about to pick her up when san bends down and scoops her instead, so you can talk to her eye level.
"we're talking about you," you say as you boop her nose. "and stop calling him mr. san."
"what do i call him then?" she pouts, and you share your first silent parent language stare with san.
"actually baby, we have something we need to tell you..."
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frenchkisstheabyss · 3 months
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🖤 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖆𝖓 🖤
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🖤 Pairing: ex boyfriend!choi san x chubby!fem!reader (mingi's spoken about but doesn't appear)
🖤 Genre: angst/fluff/smut
🖤 Summary: You make a living stepping on men's necks, literally and metaphorically speaking. Men spend every dime they have for the chance to be your lapdog. You are their weakness. Your dirty little secret? You have a weakness of your own, one you've tried your hardest to leave in the past, but you've managed to make him jealous and, oh, I think he's knocking on your door right now.
🖤 Word Count: 2.3k-ish
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🖤 Warnings: reader works as a dom so she does qualify as a ✨sex worker✨ & it's treated as a positive cause slay queen, jealous /possessive San, unprotected sex, fingering, nibbling, scratching, reader for sure has a lil praise kink, this man does not pull out, San's giving dom vibes & reader's quite subby for him, pet names (baby, my girl, good girl) & that's all darlings
🖤 A/N: My chubby girl smut agenda continues with this fic as it will with all others and the best part is, no one can stop me. Mwahahahaha. No, but really, I hope you lovelies enjoy reading it.
Also a big thanks to @anyamaris for test reading everything my brain throws out all of the time. Love of my life, truly.
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Your night routine is sacred. Never more so than on nights like tonight when you take extra steps to make it particularly romantic for yourself. You treat yourself like a lover, running a nice warm bubble bath and preparing your favorite fruits to snack on while you soak in it. You don’t rush to cover your body afterward, instead taking the time to find pleasure in every stretch mark and every curve as you massage rich tropical oils into your skin. 
The rain is your companion, singing to you in the form of raindrops patting at your window. Candles burn on your windowsill, tiny lanterns reflecting shadows in the darkness of this place you call home. Crawling into your bed, you slip beneath your freshly washed sheets and scroll through your phone to find the right song. It doesn’t take long to find it. You hit “play” and close your eyes, ready to be swept away by the sweet notes emanating from your phone. 
This is serenity. This is heaven. This is—
“What the actual fuck?” you shout, shaken by an unexpected knock at your door. The knocking is impatient, the agitation of the person on the other end undeniable. You jump from your bed, the sheet still clinging to your figure, and cautiously approach the door. You specifically didn’t schedule any sessions for tonight and your clients know better than to pop up unannounced. 
“Whoever you are, go away! I have a gun!” You do. You have to. In your line of business being able to protect yourself is a necessity. It’d be silly not to have one and if ever there were an example why, this has to be it. The knocking stops. A brief moment of silence passes and then—
“You have a gun?” San asks, more confused than he is threatened. You don’t notice until now that you’ve been holding your breath this entire time but at the sound of his voice, you can miraculously breathe again. “San? What are you doing here?” you frown, cracking the door enough to get a good look at your ex.
The look is, in fact, good. Better than good, it’s wonderful. For all of this mysterious frustration he seems to be carrying, he still manages to be the most handsome thing you can imagine finding in your hallway near midnight. 
San pushes past you, marching into your cozy studio apartment as if it were his own. “We need to talk. Now.” You roll your eyes, holding back laughter as you close the door behind him. “Someone’s sassy tonight” you tease, watching as he removes his wet boots and coat. He places them exactly where they’re meant to go.
You smile to yourself, finding it sweet that he still remembers how things go after nearly a year apart. “Don’t patronize me.” “I’m not patronizing you,” you say, approaching him with a hand outstretched to stroke his cheek, “Sannie—” 
San takes a step back, the darkness in his eyes intensified by your attempt at affection. “And don’t call me that!” “Lower your voice! This is my home. You can respect me in it or get out.” Seeing you upset cools him down a bit. Enough to question the emotions that led him to drive over here to begin with.
He shouldn’t be here. He has no right to confront you. To care what you do or who you do it with. But it’s been eating him up inside for days, plaguing his every waking thought. Some part of him is still tethered to you and that’s why, against his better judgment, he’s here.
“Are you…” he stutters, the anger bubbling up once more at the thought of what he’s about to ask, “How long has Mingi been coming to you?” “Ah,” you gasp, fully realizing the awkwardness of the situation. Dodging eye contact, you head for the kitchen, busying yourself with the tea kettle. “You want some tea? We should have tea.”
Raking his fingers through delicate strands of pitch black hair, he approaches the kitchen and lets himself, for the most fleeting of moments, enjoy seeing you like this again. He’s missed you making him tea late at night. This would be everything he ever wanted under any other circumstance than this. “I don’t want tea. I want you to answer my question. How long?”
“A few weeks” you sigh, abandoning the kettle on the counter, “We ran into each other at the club one night and we started talking then, I mean, I don’t know, it just sorta happened.” In an instant, he’s on you, fingers squeezing your wrists as he presses you against the counter. “Things like this don’t sorta happen!” “Oh, come on, San. I have bills to pay. If I don’t take on clients, who’s gonna pay them? You?” “Haven’t I before?” Something about being reminded of before makes you as breathless as he is. “That was a long time ago.” 
A long time ago but why does it feel like yesterday when he last had your body pressed against every wall in this apartment? So many hours were spent using your fingertips to traverse every exquisite muscle on his body. There are new ones now, you see them flex when he readjusts his grip on you. How good they must feel to touch. God bless the gym.
Shaking yourself free of your lust fueled daze, you break your wrists loose from him. “If that’s all you can go.” Why are you doing this? Why are you so stubborn? You don’t want him to go. Your body—your heart—begs him to stay even if it’s just to argue for the rest of the night. 
“Fine, I’ll leave, but not until you tell me one more thing. Does he touch you? Like I did?” he asks, his expression cold as he tries to contain his jealousy. “Touch me like you did?” you giggle, reaching to stroke his cheek again. This time he doesn’t step away. He lets you touch him, your soft hand warming the cool raindrops on his cheek. A fire ignites in his eyes, not unlike the flames dancing atop the candle wicks. It’s distant, buried somewhere deep, but you see it and it makes you smile.
“I never let anyone touch me like you did” you whisper, “Mingi just wants someone to boss him around. I happen to be good at that. There’s nothing sexual. I could…” San tugs the sheet tightly around your body, gathering the two loose ends at your hip where his knuckles just barely graze the plush of your thigh. You let out a sound that’s almost a moan but not quite. He smirks, bringing his other hand to your side to massage the softness of your love handles. You're so cute when you’re flustered.
“I, uh, I…” you stutter, watching as his lips grow nearer to yours, “I could stop seeing him if you want.” “You’d do that for me?” San asks, teasing your lower lip with his. “I would do anything for you. You know that.” This is what he does to you and this is why you broke things off with him. San’s love brings you to your knees. You fold for him in a millisecond. You’re supposed to have every man in the palm of your hand yet you find yourself, delicate and fragile, nestled in his. 
“Will you do something else for me?” “Like what?” “Kiss me.” And you do. No hesitation. No time for second guesses. Anything for him. A rush hits you, threatening to knock you off of your feet. San only holds you closer, his tongue tangling with yours, indulging in the taste of you. A craving much overdue to be satisfied. 
“Do I still have to leave?” he pants, his voice a low rasp as he kisses his way down your chin. He buries his face in your neck, his kisses growing more passionate with each passing second. You smell good enough to eat and he almost does, nibbling at your neck sharply enough to send chills down your spine. You shake your head, wrapping a leg around his waist to grind against him. The simple act of kissing you has him hard enough that not even the few layers of fabric between you can suppress his need. 
“Fuck, baby” he groans, his eyes nearly rolling back from the rhythm of your hips. You run your fingers through his hair, pulling him back up for another kiss. “Don’t leave me, Sannie. Please.” You’re prepared to beg more, as much as he wants you to, but your words turn incoherent at the sensation of his thumb stroking your clit. His other fingers dance dangerously close to your entrance, happily collecting the juices dripping from your core.
You look down to find that the sheet barely clings to your body, except for a small corner stuck between you and the counter. Everything has fallen away leaving you completely exposed. San’s favorite way to have you. “You’re so wet for me. My girl” he coos, easing two fingers deep into you, “Still my girl? Hmm?” You’re trembling, gripping his shirt as you ride his fingers in time with the flicking of his wrist.
Only he could do this. Make you feel this unbelievably good with just his fingers. "Always your girl. Always—ah” you moan into his mouth before he’s kissing his way down your neck again. The way your back is arched makes your breasts sit so deliciously that he has to taste them. San needs to feel the weight of them in his hands as he captures your perked nipples between his lips, circling them with his tongue. 
His mouth is so full of you that every moan that leaves him vibrates through your chest making sure that you never once underestimate the intensity of his longing. Your thighs are soaked, your pussy dripping—pulsing—clenching around his fingers. Your little squeaks and moans are too pretty. Too addictive. San picks up speed, his only mission to make a complete mess of you or to make you make a complete mess of yourself. Either or both. Definitely both. 
“Sannie. You’re gonna make me—fuck, I’m gonna cum!” you cry, feeling the pressure build within you. “Mmm,” he hums, releasing your nipple but not without taking one last lick of your overstimulated bud. You didn’t need to tell him. You never do. He knows when you're close, down to the second, which is why his timing is perfect when he pulls his fingers away leaving you hanging on the edge of oblivion.
You whine at the unexpected loss, your clit twitching and your walls greedy for something to hold onto. San moves out of reach, taking his time to shed his clothing. “Not on my fingers, baby,” he says, flashing that devilishly handsome smile of his, “On me.” He disappears around the corner and you trail behind him like a bright eyed puppy who wants more than anything to be the object of its owner's affection.
San sits on the edge of the bed, admiring the way your body jiggles as you skip over to him. He takes you by the hand, lowering you onto his lap, and the skin to skin contact sends a shot of adrenaline coursing through both of you. “I could just look at you all night. So beautiful” he muses, palms slapping your ass. His fingers dig in, keeping your hips raised enough that the tip of his cock almost presses at your slit.
You drape your arms over his shoulders, kissing him on the bridge of his nose, “You can look at me all you want.” One of San’s hands disappears beneath you, stroking his length as he lowers you down onto him. He stops at the tip, letting your arousal run down his shaft. “All I want because you belong to me?” You bite down on your bottom lip, eager to take him. “Yes,” you mewl and he feeds you another inch. A reward for being his good girl.
“No more Mingi?”
“No more. I swear.” 
Another inch and your heart skips a beat. This is evil. “No more anyone else” he demands, taunting you with one more inch before taking it back, “I’ll take care of you, my sweet girl. Only me.” “Only you” you promise, unintentionally batting your eyelashes in the most innocent way. San grabs your hips, slamming you down onto him, “Good now cum for me.”
Being stretched by him, full of every thick rigid inch of his cock, is intoxicating enough. But the feeling of handing over control, of letting him have you completely, has you buzzing. San bounces you in his lap, kissing you everywhere his lips can access, whispering every praise he’s saved up for you over time.
Precious. Perfect. Never letting go. Love you. My everything. My world. Mine. Mine. Mine.
“Sannie—” you draw a breath in. A flash of heat hits you and you’re lost to pleasure. Your body explodes and implodes. Heavy and weightless all at once. You gush down his length, every inch of him drenched with your juices. San doesn’t stop, not even when your nails dig deep into the skin of his shoulder. He only goes faster and harder, wanting to break you, his precious girl, and put you back together then do it again. 
But his body’s as sensitive as yours and he can’t hold back, spilling into you to the point of overflow. There’s so much warmth and fullness. It’s comforting, soothing you as you gradually float back down. Lying back on the bed, San cradles you in his arms, not wanting to be anywhere else than right here with you.
You rest your head on his chest, feeling his love for you in every breath he takes. How you ever pushed him away you can’t understand but you know, as he softly kisses your forehead, that you never will again.
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oddinary4bts · 9 months
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Love is a Laserquest | choi san
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☆summary: years after your break-up, Choi San comes to you for help. In an attempt to save his life, you escape to your uncle's cabin in the woods far from civilization. Will nostalgia and longing make you fall again, or is Choi San just spinning more lies to you?
☆pairing: gangster!Choi San x female!reader
☆rating: 18+ (minors DNI)
☆genre: gangster au, exes au, angst, smut, a smidge of the one bed trope
☆warnings: guns/gun violence (mentioned), knifes/stabbing (mentioned), a bounty over San's head, death of a minor character (named Jungkook my bad), blood, injuries, stitches, probably some wrong medical terminology bc optometrists don't stitch up people lmao, a panic attack, cursing, pet names, explicit content: oral sex (female receiving) -> face riding, let me know if I forgot any!
☆word count: 16.5k
☆a/n: Here's my submission for Outlaw: The Project hosted by @ssaboala. It is coincidentally my first time posting about another group than bts, so I hope this won't disappoint! I really enjoyed writing it (even though it's really sad oop). Also my first time making a moodboard so hopefully it works haha
☆a/n pt2: thank you to @moonleeai for being my ever-so faithful beta reader, love you lots <3
☆☆☆☆☆
And do you still think love is a Laserquest? Or do you take it all more seriously? I’ve tried to ask you this in some daydreams that I’ve had But you’re always busy being make-believe
Love is a Laserquest – Arctic Monkeys
☆☆☆☆☆
The diner is silent, unoccupied. It always is on late weekday evenings, when most patrons have gone to bed, the city falling under a carpet of hushed silence only night can bring forth. It makes the diner feel like it’s straight out of a 70s movie, and it makes for the perfect study sessions too.
Night isn’t always soundless in your part of town. Hence why you’ve been trying to escape, pursuing an education that has been leaving you penniless, but with a bright future ahead. If you make it out of med school at a certain point, that is.
Tonight, you fear the peace that night usually entails has been ruined for you – there were gunshots earlier, close enough for you to see the police cars racing past as the law officers made it to probably yet another gang fight.
There’s been a gang war on your side of town. The diner has always been safe, a refuge for both sides of the war, where they aren’t allowed to fight. To carry in weapons and hatred. No, the moment they cross the threshold of the diner, the gangsters become one family, sharing struggles that only poverty can cause.
You wipe a table clean before walking back towards the counter. Your open laptop waits for you, and you quickly read the study guide you’ve made for yourself, the cardiovascular system and its pathologies forming a maze in your mind that you’ve yet to decode. Luckily enough, you still have a week before the bloc ends and you have to take the exam.
Plenty of time to cram everything about the heart in your thick little skull, you’d say.
Your lips move in time with what you’re reading, attention solely focused on the bright screen when a thump is heard right outside the door. It startles you, and you turn around to see the empty street out of the glass door.
It takes you about ten seconds to notice the dark form sitting on the ground. They’re leaning against the door, head lolling to the side. You assume it must be someone that’s ended unhoused, something that happens far too often where you live.
You’ve always been kind. When you were younger, you were told your kindness would be your demise. Yet you’ve never been able to be anything but kind, even though sometimes it might put you at risk. So you can’t resist but walk to the front door, trying to push it open.
It’s useless – the weight of the person is keeping it tightly shut, though they do straighten a little, as if coming to their senses. They turn, and the moment their profile comes into view you’re brought back eight years in the past. To a time when the world was still a beautiful place, void of violence and cruelty. To a smile so sweet it made flowers blossom on your heart, and to eyes so sharp you knew they had read your soul.
Choi San is sitting outside the door, and the caked blood on his cheek tells you enough – he’s injured. He pushes away from the door before slowly getting up. He clutches his side as he does it, yet when he turns back towards you and faces your horrified eyes, he still offers you a smirk.
You push the door open, thinking about the years between then and now. You had dated him for a few months that had felt like forever, until you had realized in what kind of business he was getting involved with. You had tried to convince him to flee before it was too late, and he kept promising that he would.
Only he never did, hiding lies with beautiful words that made your teenage self swoon, until your parents had realized and forced you to break up. It had been a nasty break-up, filled with hatred and words you didn’t mean yet had needed to say for him to leave.
You remember breaking his heart like it was yesterday.
“Choi San,” you greet him, and when he lets go of his side, you notice blood on his hand.
Something runs cold inside of you, even though he still sports a smirk on his lips.
He says your name, bowing his head. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
Months, in fact. Because he does come to the diner sometimes. He usually ignores you, and so do you, so it feels strange to have him speak to you. To hear his voice as his words are addressed to you.
“What…” you trail off, glancing down at the ripped fabric of his black tank top.
He’s got a mean cut on his ribs, and it’s only then that you truly realize that he’s badly injured. Because there’s more – one of his biceps has been sliced open too, though blood is barely oozing out of it in small rivulets. The blood on his cheek is from where you assume he’s been punched with rings, and there’s already an underlying bruise under his eye.
“Got beaten up,” he states the obvious, and you immediately open the door wider to let him in.
He limps in, heading towards the nearest booth, where he plops down and lets out a pained grunt. You make sure no one is outside before shutting the door and locking it, flipping the hanging sign on it so it says closed in case a patron decides to show up.
You take a few steps towards San, hands shaking slightly at your side. Because that’s a grown man, bleeding out on the leather seat of the booth, and his eyes are shut though he looks in pain. You don’t know what you’re supposed to do. You haven’t yet started your residency, haven’t really gone from theory to practice… Yet you’re studying to be a doctor, are you not?
“Why are you here?” you ask, though you’re pretty sure you know the answer.
“Didn’t know where else to go,” he says, wincing as one of his eyes opens. He tilts his head to look towards you. “Word around the block says…” he pauses, takes a deep breath before continuing, “that you’re studying to be a doctor”.
So you are right. He’s here because he needs your help, and you’re not quite sure how you feel about it.
“Why…” You look for words, and it takes you a moment to realize that it doesn’t matter.
For all the history between you and him, Choi San doesn’t deserve to bleed out to death on a cheap leather seat in a forgotten diner on the dangerous side of town.
He has the decency to chuckle at the start of your question, which only makes him wince in pain once again.
“Don’t move,” you tell him, and it’s a little stupid because clearly, he’s in no state to move.
He doesn’t question it, and you run to the kitchen to thoroughly wash your hands and grab the first aid kit. At night, no cooks stay around, and you usually only reheat food if needed, which doesn’t really happen. You haven’t had any client coming in at night in weeks… until San, that is. So no one is there to see what is going on, which you reckon is a relief. Because you have no idea what’s going on.
You return to the booth where San is waiting, patiently. He’s clearly wiped his hand on his face because there’s fresh blood on his forehead, and you almost balk at the sight of it.
“What have you done?” you mutter, more to yourself than to him.
It seems he’s still in sync with you because he still hears. “Got involved with the wrong crowd.”
You put the first aid kit down on the table, ignoring his eyes when they flutter open, and he rests his gaze on you.
“I don’t know if I can help you,” you say as you unzip the kit and throw it open. You spare his side a quick glance. “This looks like you’re going to need stitches.”
He makes an effort of looking down at himself, though it mostly fails as he doesn’t raise his head from the seat. “Right.”
You grab everything you think you might need – alcohol swabs to clean his skin, fresh linen to bandage his side and arm, and stuff for his cheek too. He carefully observes you, with that piercing gaze of his that used to make you go crazy inside when you were young and impressionable.
You vaguely motion at him, and he cocks an eyebrow. “What?”
“Are you able to sit up?” you ask. “I can’t reach you if you’re lying back like this.”
His pink tongue darts to wet his lips, and he nods curtly. “Let me…” he trails off, resting a bloody hand on the table while he grabs at the back of the booth to push himself up. It has new blood appearing on his side, and you quickly move towards him, putting some linen against it.
As if it’s going to do anything. He clearly needs stitches, and you’ve got nothing with you to stitch him up.
“Fuck,” he curses lowly as he’s finally sitting. You just keep the linen on his side, eyes a little wide.
Your gazes connect inevitably, and time slows. You think about how he used to smile, how his eyes used to hold a softness you haven’t had the chance to see again since he’s walked out of your life.
Or rather, since you kicked him out of your life.
“I don’t think I can help,” you whisper, and his eyes flicker to your lips.
“I can’t go to the hospital,” he admits, shame turning his features into a mask of regret. “They… If they find me, I’m dead.”
Dread fills every ounce of your being. “San, what have you been doing?”
He looks away from your insistent gaze, scoffing slightly. “You don’t want to know.”
He isn’t wrong; you genuinely don’t want to know. Because he means nothing good, even with all the memories you share with him.
“Is it going to put me in danger?” you ask, as he still obstinately avoids your gaze.
He seems to freeze in front of you, as if you’ve pressed pause to your favourite show. To avoid the awkwardness, you busy yourself with grabbing one of his hands so he can hold the linen in place before you start washing the cut on his arm. It’s not deep, but you’re pretty sure it’ll still leave a mean scar, especially considering he can’t go to the hospital.
The thought has a drop of cold sweat roll along your spine. People want him dead. People want Choi San, the man you know as a young, scared teenager just trying to find a way to make his life better, dead. You remember the innocence in his smile – has he smiled at all in the years apart?
“I should go,” he says flatly. He moves to stand, but you hold him down, two hands firmly placed on his shoulders. It makes him wince, and you quickly release your grip.
“Don’t,” you tell him. “Let me at least patch you up.”
His eyes shut again as his head hangs low. “I am so sorry.”
You don’t even know who he is apologizing to, or why he is. All you know is that it causes your heart to clench in your chest, stealing the breath from your lungs.
When you were younger, you believed San was your star-crossed lover. You believed your high school sweethearts romance would grow until you’d be old and grey and at the end of a very long road. You had dreamed of a future with him, the way only teenagers can dream – with no sense of reality. Because your reality had never been to end up by his side.
His choices had been proof enough of it.
You still remember the day you first kissed. Under an August meteor shower, with just the night sky as your witness. It had been hesitant, slow and soft, just like everything with San. And you had believed the lie, trusted it with every beat of your little heart, until your parents had found out the truth about him.
Until they had broken your heart, even before you had broken his.
If the stars had known then, what was going to happen to you and Choi San, would they still have shone through the night?
He lets out a pained sound as you gently dab at the cut on his bicep. You clean the skin around the wound in and of itself, and he watches you carefully, piercing gaze not missing how your face clouds with memories.
“How have you been doing?” he asks so softly you think his words are a gentle summer breeze on your features.
You can almost still smell the summer night air of that field where you had stargazed, where you’d always meet so long ago.
“I’ve been okay,” you answer, truthfully. Because even though you haven’t seen him, you have lived your life apart from him. Have evolved without him by your side. “Better than you, visibly.”
He didn’t expect the joke. It makes him snort, and then a soft smile grows on his lips, softening the edges of his hard features. “You haven’t changed.”
You have, and yet you haven’t. Like him, you think there’s a part of you that is still sixteen, and will forever be. A part of you that remained stuck in the moment when you watched him walk away in the rain, as if even the sky had to cry for his broken heart.
“Wish I could say the same about you,” you murmur, nostalgia a melancholic song in your words.
He chooses to remain silent, because the proof of how much he’s changed is sitting right in front of you, wounded and bleeding and hurt. The hurt is behind his eyes, in the shadows of the past that have also been obscuring your vision.
“Yeah,” he lets out, barely audible.
And then silence reigns between you, because as much as you once loved him, eight years have made you strangers. You don’t know anything about his life except the dirty, obvious darkness that surrounds him, and he doesn’t know anything except that you are studying to be a doctor…
Which leads you to wonder how does he know in the first place?
You ask him, as you’re wrapping the linen around his bicep to make a makeshift bandage. You’re proud of the result, though your fingers can’t resist but linger on the taut skin over his muscle, surprised at how soft it still is.
“I’ve heard you mention it,” he admits, as you take a step away to look at the material on the table, as if it’ll suddenly make stitches appear for you to put them in his skin. “One of the times I was here.”
“You never said hi,” you reproach him, unable to hide the ghost of a bite in your tone.
“Neither did you,” he points out, and he isn’t wrong.
All you can do is purse your lips as you finally decide to clean his skin. But for that, you have to rid him of his tank top, to make sure there’s no fabric in the wound. You look at him, cheeks somehow burning even though all you’re doing is taking care of a patient.
Though he’s not a patient, and you’re not in a hospital. You’re just a server at a dusty, old diner and he’s just your teenage lover, wounded by his dangerous actions.
“Should I grab scissors to remove your shirt?” you ask, though you’re speaking to yourself more than to him.
He still finds it in him to tease. “You want me out of my shirt?” he enquires, smirk gracing his lips again. “Say no more.”
He tries moving, but you hold up a hand to stop him. “Don’t,” you warn. “You’ll make it bleed more.”
He purses his lips, because nodding. “Right.” He glances at the first aid kit, before his eyes trail to your face again. “You got scissors in that?”
There are. You grab them, before turning towards him. It feels strange: you’ve never undressed him before. You had always wanted to wait, back then, before you slept together. You believed you were too young, and San had always respected it.
“Let me know if I hurt you,” you tell him as you take a step closer to him.
He slightly leans back, furrowing his eyebrows. “What do you plan to do with those that might hurt?”
You roll your eyes, playfully, before taking the two other steps leading to right in front of his legs. You notice that they are slightly parted, allowing you to come closer, and you take a steadying breath before reaching between you, pulling at the fabric of his tank top.
“Stay still and you shouldn’t get hurt,” you whisper, ignoring the heaviness of his piercing gaze on you.
It burns right through you, and you have to tame the beats of your heart at the feeling of the warm skin of his shoulder against the back of your fingers as you bring your other hand forward, until you’ve started cutting his shirt.
It’s stuck to his side where blood has dried, and he winces but remains still and silent as you keep going, pulling on it a little harder to be able to cut. The moment stretches into infinity, because you can’t help but take your time. It reminds you of how you’d used to run your fingers on his back, under his shirt, when you napped in the field in the summertime. In an idyllic world where gangs and violence and war were mere inventions of the media, and not a reality that surrounded you.
You’d loved the field. The wildflowers, the open air, the way it was just you and him and a few lazy bumblebees as clouds lazily crossed the sky above. You were so young then, so innocent. Hands unstained from blood, from his blood.
Because as you cut, the hand touching his shirt stains with blood. You pale at the sight of it, but you keep going, pushing through until you’re done, gently pulling the fabric from his body until he’s sitting there, shirtless, with a long wound on his ribs.
You can’t help but notice his toned chest and the defined abs on his stomach. Though blood mars his skin, turning it into a piece of violence, Choi San is still beautiful. Beautiful in a dark, dangerous way that has you glance outside, making sure no one is looking.
But the streets are empty, void of life at this time of the night. At least, they mostly always are.
“You will need stitches,” you state again as if you both don’t know already.
“I can’t…”
An idea forms in your brain. It’s a stupid idea, and you don’t even know why it crosses your mind.
Your uncle has a hunting cabin far in the woods. He’s a nurse himself, and he’s always kept everything over there in case someone got injured and he had to stitch them up. You haven’t gone in forever, but you still remember the tall trees, the deep forest scent that reminds you of autumn and leaves and grey days spent reading by the fireplace.
You never went hunting, but you did accompany your father when he went, needing an escape from the city once in a while. An escape from a life that was slowly becoming too real.
Your uncle is currently halfway across the country, so you know you’d be alone at the cabin. You glance at your laptop over your shoulder – you have three days off in front of you before your next class on Monday. Indeed, the Friday class is pre-recorded and to watch online in your free time, and you figure you can always watch it some other time.
So you turn towards Choi San, almost surprised that he’s real and he’s still sitting in front of you, honey skin cut open on his ribs.
“I might know a place where you can go,” you admit, with a small voice, surprising both you and him. Because you doubt he expects you to want to help, after tonight.
“What?” he asks.
“My uncle’s cabin,” you remind him, because you’ve told him about it all those years ago. “He should have all that I need to stitch you up.”
San looks down at himself. “You’ve just cut my shirt open.”
It sounds a little dumbfounded, and you can’t help the nervous laugh that falls from your mouth. Because even though it doesn’t look too deep, the wound still is terrifying in and of itself.
“I’ll bandage it,” you whisper. “Before we go.”
He seems like he ponders for a time. You watch the debate across his features, his eyes falling to a spot on your chin. He looks sad, troubled and defeated. “I can’t… I can’t do this to you.”
You ignore his words, carefully washing his side. You avoid the cut and try to be as gentle as you can, but his muscles still flex as he clenches his fists from the pain.
He’s strong. That much hasn’t changed. Because he doesn’t make any sound as you finish washing him and then patch him up with those same careful hands. And when you move to his face, cleaning the blood, his eyes flutter shut, and he sighs softly.
He looks so much like he looked then that your heart aches, and you find yourself blinking away tears for this man who’s had it so rough he believed joining a gang would save him.
“I should have come to you before,” he murmurs. “You’re much gentler than Hongjoong.”
You don’t know the guy he mentioned, and you don’t feel like asking. Don’t feel like acknowledging his words, so you just finish with his cheek before stepping away from the peaceful aura that was treacherously pulling you in.
Like all those years ago, you reckon.
“Let me make a call,” you say, turning away from him as you move to the counter. You feel the weight of his eyes between your shoulder blades as you get your phone from next to your laptop. You call your boss, and as someone that’s never called in sick before, you feel anxiety flush through you.
Because you’re not sick. And how could you tell him that you need to take care of your ex-boyfriend of eight years ago?
Seokhyun picks up on the first ring, voice groggy with sleep when he mutters, “Hello?”
“Boss,” you greet him. You scrape your throat and spare a look towards San who’s watching you curiously. “An emergency came up, and I have to leave the diner.” You swallow the lump in your throat that’s formed from lying, and then you add, “There haven’t been any customers all night, so I was wondering… would you be comfortable with me closing for the rest of the night?”
Your boss says your name, a little reproachfully. But then he sighs, because he knows just as well as you what a good employee you’ve always been. “Are you going to be able to come in tomorrow night?” he asks.
You pull at dry skin on your bottom lip, assessing San’s state. You could always come back to the city for work…
“You know what, I know you’ve got that big exam coming up,” your boss says, sighing into the phone. “Why don’t you take the next week off so you can take care of your emergency and focus on your studies?”
If Seokhyun wasn’t a fifty-three year old married and father of three children man, you think you’d ask him to marry you right now.
“That would be really helpful,” you tell him, gratitude dripping from your voice. “Are you sure that won’t be a problem for the diner?”
“The diner won’t lose profit if it closes for three nights in the week,” he points out. “I’ll see if I can get you replaced for the evening shift on Sunday.”
You thank him again as he grumbles that it’s nothing. He wishes you good luck, and when the line goes silent, you finally meet San’s gaze again.
“All sorted out,” you tell him, offering him a nod. “Let me just close the diner, and then we can go.”
He nods, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. He observes you as you do so, quickly closing the diner like you’ve done about a hundred times before, though this time you’re far more excited to go. You grab a plastic bag to put away the bloody swabs, and though he groans in pain, San gets up to help you clean the blood that stained the cheap leather of the booth.
Soon enough, you’re ready to go, and you walk outside with the plastic bag in one hand and your backpack on your shoulders as San chuckles, looking down at himself.
“Do you have a shirt for me?” he asks as he follows you out.
You lock the door behind you before glancing at him. He’s quite the sight, naked from the waist up and bandaged like he is, and you can’t help the small chuckle you let out as you glance towards your car, that’s luckily parked right in front.
Though it’s a deadbeat car, you trust it enough to know it’ll make the trip to your uncle’s cabin, even in the middle of the night.
“My ex left some sweaters on the back seat,” you admit as you unlock your car doors and open the trunk to put your backpack and the plastic bag in there. There’s no chance in hell you’ll leave a plastic bag full of bloody swabs near your work.
You see San nod from the periphery of your vision, and then he’s opening the door to the backseat. “Your ex, huh?” he mutters as he grabs a sweater you used to love wearing and that you haven’t convinced yourself to give back to Hyunmin.
He carefully puts it on, and you’re pretty sure just the motion is going to make blood seep through the bandage. Somehow, you don’t care that it might stain Hyunmin’s sweater.
Hyunmin was a cheater, and even though you never really loved him, it took you months before you found the strength to break up with him. Needless to say, he doesn’t deserve his clothes back.
“Yeah,” you flatly say as you move towards the driver’s seat. You sit, and San follows you, naturally, as if you’ve done it a thousand times before.
As you turn the keys in the engine, San asks, “Have you dated a lot?”
You bristle at the question, shooting him an embarrassed look. “Have you?”
“No,” he replies, features fully serious.
You purse your lips, focusing on the road as you start driving. You need to put gas in the car if you want to get to your uncle’s cabin, so you make your way towards the closest one. It takes you a moment before you register how San has stiffened next to you.
“Can we…” he trails off, and he sinks in the seat, trying to hide. “I can’t be seen here.”
You immediately press on the accelerator, and your car speeds down the street as you pass in front of the gas station. You glance at San only when you’re stopped at a red light. He’s pulled the hood of the sweater over his features, and he’s doing his best to hide.
“Where can we stop?” you ask.
“Next town over,” he answers. “I just can’t be seen in Bangtan territory.”
Right. You have no knowledge of how the gangs have divided your city, but you’re not surprised Bangtan has this part of town. It’s the industrial area, and you assume there’s a lot of money to be made around here.
“Sounds good,” you gently say, and then you’re driving again, the light turning green, allowing you to speed away into the night.
You drive silently all the way to the next town, watching your city disappear to be replaced by trees until buildings reappear. San is looking outside the window, and you can’t help but wonder how he’s been doing, truly. How he managed to get injured like he is right now, and mostly, if his dreams of running away still occupy his thoughts.
He had begged you, the evening you had broken up with him. Told you he’d make enough money to be able to move with you across the country and build yourself a nice little life over there. You had wanted to believe him for so long, until your parents had opened your eyes on just how he was trying to make money.
“Do you need anything?” you ask as you finally reach the gas station, pulling into the driveway. You park next to a pump, turning to face him only to find him already watching you.
“I don’t have money to pay for food,” he admits. He shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I lost my wallet in the… altercation.”
You gently put a hand on his forearm. “Hey, my treat. We have to eat.”
He inhales deeply, letting out the breath slowly, before he nods. “Alright. I owe you.”
You reckon he’ll owe you for a lot more than just food at a gas station, but you choose not to say it. Not when you feel like someone’s watching over your shoulder, watching you drive away in the night with the person they are looking for.
You know it’s paranoia. No one followed you out of the city and into this town. It just feels too strange to have him here, with you. In your car, on the way to your uncle’s cabin, as if eight years have gone out the window. As if you can still be young and innocent.
It’s stupid, because you can’t. Time has changed him; time has changed you. And in just a few years you’ll be a doctor, and you’ll finally get out of this hellhole of a city, of its dangerous streets.
Of its equally dangerous man, that you know could probably pull you back in with one of his many well-crafted lies, one of the dreams he weaved expertly, whispering it into your ear.
You take a deep breath before getting out of the car. You go into the station, grab snacks for the next few days and then head to the counter. The guy behind nods as you approach, and you pay for the food and for gas before wishing him a good night and returning outside. San is still squatting in the car, clearly trying to hide, and you put the food on the backseat before putting gas in.
You watch his profile as you put gas in the car. Back when you were dating, his features weren’t as sharp, as glass-cutting as they now are. He used to sport a rounder face, but today you wonder if you’d get a papercut on his jaw. You wouldn’t even be surprised.
When you’re done with gas, you sit back next to him, and you quickly bring the engine back to life before pulling out in the street. As soon as you exit the city, darkness falls on the two of you, tall trees standing on the two sides of the road again. San doesn’t speak much, and it doesn’t take you long to realize he’s dozing off next to you.
“Hey, everything okay?” you ask, suddenly worried that he might have lost too much blood. Which, you reckon, you should have thought about earlier.
He sighs, glancing towards you. “Just tired.”
“Don’t…” you trail off. “Don’t fall asleep.”
He chuckles. “You’re afraid I’m going to die on you?”
“Choi San,” you warn. “Don’t you dare say stuff like that.”
He smiles, but you reckon he’s a little pale. Or at least you think he is, in the silver light of the moon up above. “I think I’m fine. Just…” He offers you a weak smile, though you’ve returned your attention on the winding road. “Just exhausted. I haven’t slept in three days.”
Worry clutches your heart, and you nibble at some dry skin on your bottom lip. “What’s been going on?”
He slightly shrugs. “I can’t tell you. I don’t want to put you in danger…”
“Am I not already in danger by just helping you?”
The silence is telling enough. And it remains for a while until San finally speaks.
“I was in a gunfight a week ago. Accidentally shot the youngest member of the other gang. He didn’t make it, and the gang has put a bounty on my head. Ateez took my gun and told me to run; I laughed in their face and said I wasn’t a coward. Then I got attacked by two guys with knives earlier, and I made it to the diner because I had nowhere else to go.”
Now the silence is deafening, heavy, and you think you’ve altogether stopped breathing. You’re struck with an image of San in the summer sun, smiling wide as he put a flower behind your ear, claiming you were the most beautiful girl he had ever met. The contrast with who he is now – a product of night, shrouded in darkness with no hint of that smile on his lips – is stark. And you wonder when’s the last time he has seen the sun, when’s the last time his life wasn’t violence like this.
When you say nothing, he scoffs, resting his head against the window as if it’d allow him to escape. Because clearly he wants to escape – he’s just told you that he’s killed someone after all.
And you don’t know what to say. Don’t know how to react to someone confessing murder. All you can do is stare at the street ahead, hoping you won’t end up in a gunfight with San. Because where would that lead you, other than in the dramatics of death?
You don’t speak for the rest of the ride. You don’t think he sleeps either, and dawn is clinging to the far horizon when you get to your uncle’s cabin, in a secluded forest that seems straight out of a fairytale. Instead of bringing you awe like it usually does, the sight of it makes you think of all the murder mysteries you had been obsessed with when you were younger, before you realized how horrible the real world truly is.
Neither of you move, as you turn off the engine of the car, and you fall into even more of a tensed silence, though this time you can hear the chirping of the early birds. It’s peaceful, so peaceful you can barely even grasp how tangible the presence of San is next to you. The presence of his actions too, looming between the two of you like a sword of Damocles.
You move first. Putting a hand on the knob, hoping to escape the heaviness into the dawn. San speaks before you can though, and your heart stops in your chest.
“I never meant for him to get hurt,” he murmurs, and you think he’s speaking to himself more than to you. “Everything went too fast, my gun was in my hand and I just… in situations like these, you don’t have time to think.” He leans his head against the headrest, eyes closing. “All I can picture since it’s happened is him falling and blood. Like a fucking blossoming rose, all around him.” He rests his closed fist on his forehead, rubbing it hard. “I haven’t been able to sleep; I’ve been sick every time I’ve tried to eat…”
“San,” you interrupt as you break and break for him. Because this is the San you know. This is the young boy that just wanted to escape and live in a better world. You can almost taste his remorse, taste his regret and shame. It’s poisonous, treacherous, a slippery slope that can’t lead anywhere good. “Let’s get you in. I want to get that cut on your ribs checked.”
He falls silent, and for a moment you feel guilty. Because what if he had more to say? You don’t even think you would have been able to listen. You need the escape, and you know he’ll permit it. Because the man next to you is a broken man, a fracture of what he could have been.
You step out of the car, blinking away tears – from the anxiety, from the exhaustion, and perhaps even from the pain you feel for him. He follows you, wincing as he swings his legs out of the car. He stumbles a little as he stands, but soon enough, he grows steady on his feet, and his attention moves to you. You climb the stairs of the cabin, lifting the rug to find the small trap that leads to the spare key. The padlock is rusted, but it stands strong as you put in the code, and a click is heard when you pull on it.
A few seconds later, you’ve unlocked the front door, pushing it open to reveal the cabin as you remember it. Not a single item is out of place, though dust covers everything, a clear indication that no one has been here in years. You let San in, before going back to the car to get the food you bought, bringing it in and putting it in the fridge. Three full gas canisters hide under the counter, and you sigh in relief – you’ll be able to get the generator on for some electricity.
You motion to the kitchen table. “Have a seat,” you tell San, who somehow looks like a lost puppy. “I’ll get the first aid kit.”
He nods, remaining silent, eyes downcast. You only move when he’s seated, heading to the bathroom area of the cabin, where you startle a spider that almost makes you scream out loud. You keep it in, heart beating out of your chest as you get the kit before moving back into the main area.
San is leaning against the chair, eyes closed. He senses you approaching, and one of his eyes cracks open to watch you carefully, a little like he did earlier, at the diner. It looks so similar to how he used to look at you, when you joined him at the field, that you stop in your tracks, heart squeezing once again.
You don’t like the way Choi San is making you feel, that’s for sure.
“Take off the sweater,” you tell him, putting the kit down on the table. You put some clean linen next to it, to put what you need over it, before washing your hands with the disinfectant you find in the kit. You put latex gloves on after, and then you fish wire and a surgical needle from the first aid kit that you carefully put down on the linen once you’ve torn the packages open.
As you were doing all of that, San took off the shirt, struggling a little as it meant he had to lift his right arm, which pulled at the skin of his ribs, where the cut clearly has started bleeding again. Though, if you’re honest to yourself, you’re pretty sure he’s been bleeding this whole time, even though it probably was just some fine rivulets.
Indeed, the cut isn’t all that deep, you remind yourself. Mostly because you don’t want to even think about the consequences of the blood loss. As long as he stays awake, you figure he’s fine – he would have lost consciousness a while ago if he was losing a lot of blood.
You remove the bandage you had carefully put in place earlier, wincing at the sight of the blood that’s seeped through it. San keeps his eyes close, lets you clean his skin again in peace, and you feel sick to your stomach as you realize you don’t have any anesthetics for the pain that stitching him up will cause. Indeed, the pocket in which your uncle usually leaves the lidocaine is empty, and you remember that he’s had to use it for your dad when he accidentally cut himself with a machete last summer.
“Huh,” you let out. You chuckle nervously. “It’s going to hurt like a bitch.”
His eyes narrow, and he clenches his jaw. “Don’t worry about it.”
You worry at your bottom lip, holding his gaze as you gauge if he’s serious. When his gaze doesn’t falter, you offer him a curt nod, before getting the wire and needle ready under his watchful eyes.
You hand him some linen. “To bite on,” you explain as he just cocks an eyebrow quizzically. That makes his gaze widen a little as if he’s just now realizing how serious you were about it hurting, but he takes it nonetheless.
You think about the theory of how to stitch someone up. It was in your previous block – you watched hours of videos of it in an attempt to desensitize yourself to it. You don’t think it compares to the real thing, but at least you’re somehow confident of what you’re doing when you start.
San startles, groaning in pain, and you offer him a glare. “Don’t move, or it’ll be worse.”
A drop of sweat rolls down his temple, but he still nods. Even as you keep on stitching him, he remains as still as he physically can, though you don’t think he even notices how he’s trembling. Or maybe that’s you – you don’t even know.
Somehow, you make it through the whole thing. You think San might have passed out at some point, but he’s wide awake when you finish the knot to keep the stitches in place, looking up to meet his face.
He’s panting and tears of pain wet his waterline. He blinks them away as he takes the linen out of his mouth, dropping it on the table.
“Fuck,” he curses.
“Let me…” you trail off, mind set on getting something to at least help him cool off, because he’s clearly been heating up.
You grab a washcloth and a small bucket, and head outside to walk down to the lake. You fill the bucket halfway, and take a few seconds to observe the calm surrounding you, hoping that it can ease the nerves rolling inside your heart like dark clouds do on the horizon whenever a storm is coming. You feel it in your bones – you have a murderer in your uncle’s cabin.
You have to keep that in mind. To not let Choi San in like you did when you were a young impressionable teenager.
You sigh, closing your eyes to breathe in the fresh morning air. The sun is peaking over the horizon now, and you bask in its hesitant rays for all of twenty seconds before you convince yourself to go back in. You’ve got a patient to take care of, after all.
San hasn’t moved an inch while you were outside. The only indication that he hasn’t died on you is the groan he lets out as you put the wet washcloth on his forehead. You tap his cheek gently, as if to say, ‘suck it up, I’m just trying to take care of you’.
Which is exactly what you’re doing, isn’t it?
You watch him carefully for a few seconds before tapping his shoulder this time around.
“There’s a bed,” you remind him. “You’d be better passing out in a bed.”
He groans again, cracking an eye open. “I’ve just been repeatedly poked with a needle,” he drawls. “Give me a second.”
It makes you laugh. Because of the nerves, maybe. You’re not quite sure. All you know is that you’re laughing, and San opens his second eye to look at you as if you’re crazy. And you laugh for longer than you should – you’re exhausted after all, especially considering you haven’t slept since yesterday morning. So far, adrenaline has been keeping you going, but you can tell you’re about to crash.
“Sorry,” you apologize once you calm down. “This has just been…”
“A lot,” San finishes for you. “I know.”
You nod once before glancing at the doorway to the bedroom. It has no door, as your uncle and your dad usually come here alone and they don’t mind sharing a bed. It makes you realize that you’ll have to share it with San, which you reckon you should have thought about before. Because there’s no way in hell you’ll share a bed with him, especially after he’s told you why he’s being hunted.
There’s always the option of going into town later today so you can get a sleeping bag and floor mat to sleep on. But you’re far too tired right now to even consider driving, so you motion to the bed once again.
“Stick to your side; I’ll stick to mine.”
He smirks though he’s extremely pale. A lot paler than he was before, and you swallow a sudden lump in your throat. Because what if he dies? What are you supposed to do with him if he dies?
“You’ll have to help me to get to the bed ‘cause I don’t think I can move,” he says once his smirk dies. He curses under his breath. “I’m so pathetic.”
You put your hand on his shoulder again, reassuringly, eyes holding his. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re hurt. Everyone is pathetic when they’re hurt.”
He gulps before nodding once. It takes everything in you not to offer him more comfort because you feel like the slope would tilt forwards far too much if you did. Instead, you help him to get up, wincing as he puts most of his weight on you, clutching his side with one hand. You’re infinitely aware of how his skin is sticky with sweat, but you ignore it as you slowly walk to the bedroom.
You can only hope the stitches will hold because you don’t think he’d be able to withstand another round of them.
You finally reach the bedroom and help San sit on the side of the bed. He sighs, eyes shut tightly, and he doesn’t move for a time. When he does, it’s to stiffly lie down on his side.
“You might want to sleep on your back,” you inform him. “I don’t want you rolling around and messing up the stitches.”
He glares at you, though he looks like he’s already half out of it. You hold his gaze until he gives in, turning on his back with a deep sigh. You arrange pillows around him to make sure he’s not moving, and by the time you’re done, his breathing has already evened out.
For a moment, you just watch him sleep. You see him in the field where young love blossomed like a trillion wildflowers. You can almost breathe his pollen again, can almost feel the softness of his skin under your fingertips.
But he’s not what he used to be. Back then, you felt like you had discovered something new. Love, infatuation, affection, and desire, all in the form of the man sleeping next to you. You’d used to kiss, dance and sing to a song only your souls knew, and now you don’t think you recognize him anymore.
As much as he is him, he’s also but just the ghost of what he was. He’s trouble, danger in the shape of innocence, and you recall his words from earlier. You recall the despair, the regret and sorrow that haunted him after he told you. You can’t let him get to your head.
You reckon sleep might help. Though you’re afraid he’s going to waste away in his sleep, so you set up an alarm every hour, before climbing on the other side of the bed. You don’t pull on the covers, mostly because the cabin is warm, and you can imagine it’s just going to get hotter as the sun goes up and the summer heat slowly sizzles into the countryside.
It’s a good thing you put an alarm on. Because when it rings an hour later, you don’t even remember falling asleep. You’re pretty sure the second your head touched the mattress, you were out to the land of dreams. You groan, mostly because you’ve got a slight headache, but you power through it to make sure San is still breathing.
When you see his chest moving up and down steadily, you let yourself fall back asleep.
This goes on for the whole morning, and you only force yourself to stay up when your phone shows that it’s passed noon. As you had suspected earlier, the cabin has gotten extremely warm, so you force yourself out of bed to open all the windows, and then you use the washcloth from earlier to gently wash San’s face of the sweat.
He doesn’t even flinch in his sleep, but he’s still breathing and for now, that’s all that matters.
You head back to the main room, grabbing a pack of chips from where you had left the food earlier, and then you move outside to sit by the lake. Mostly because you need to put distance between you and San, but also just because the childhood memories of this place have you in their hold, and they’ve decided to make you miss the times when you’d swim around with your cousins before both of them had moved out of town.
One day, it’s going to be you too. You already know where you’d go – on the other side of the country, as far away from here as possible. You just want to forget all about the place you grew up in, and you know that, in a few years, you will have forgotten.
Though you’re pretty sure a certain piercing gaze will haunt you forever, especially after the events of today.
When another hour passes, you head back inside, putting the empty bag of chips in the trash before you check up on San. He’s still asleep, but this time he doesn’t look as pale as he did earlier. You assume it’s going to take him a while before he wakes, so you head to the nearest town to grab more food. Mostly to busy yourself, but also just because you know San will need a place to hide for a lot longer than just the weekend. Might as well make sure you have enough for him to survive a couple of days. In town, you also stop to eat at a small café on a small terrasse in the shade of a few trees, and then you grab the food you think you might need at the grocery store.
It’s the middle of the afternoon when you get back, realizing that you forgot to buy a floor mat. As you spy San, who hasn’t moved an inch since he’s fallen asleep, you figure that sleeping next to him tonight should be fine.
As long as his presence in your vicinity doesn’t drag you down memory lane again.
You bought some meat in town, so you head to the little shack outside where the generator is hiding. There’s a gas canister right next to it – also full – and you busy yourself for the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to get it started. When it finally rumbles to life, you head back inside to put the meat in the fridge, which has finally come to life.
When you hear a groan, you quickly jog to San’s side, fully expecting to find him awake. Surprisingly, he’s still asleep, and you stay next to him for a full minute, thinking he might groan again, though he remains entirely silent.
If it wasn’t for his chest moving up and down steadily, you’d believe him to be dead. But now that a few hours have passed, you’re pretty positive he’ll make it, though he’s probably going to sleep through the day and possibly through the next one too.
Which leaves you in the most peaceful atmosphere you’ve been in for a while, with the opportunity to study as you listen to the rush of wind in the leaves of the tall trees surrounding the cabin. You sit outside, this time near the fireplace, and you study until your stomach grumbles, indicating that it is time for you to cook.
You cook the meat you’ve bought on the grill outside, feeling thankful that your dad once showed you how to use it. You go back in to grab a bottle of water before you eat, and you’re bent in the fridge when you hear San moan again, and this time it sounds like he’s saying something.
You gently close the fridge, making your way to the bedroom. San hasn’t moved, but his features are creased in a frown, and sweat is rolling down his temples. You wet the washcloth, gently wipe his face, and you’re about to leave when he moans again.
It takes you far too long to realize he’s apologizing. What for, you can’t really tell. Though you remember his troubled eyes this morning, you remember his story, and your heart breaks in your chest.
He’s haunted. You think the ghost of the dead guy will probably haunt him for the rest of his life. And suddenly you’re struck thinking maybe, maybe if you hadn’t broken his heart all those years ago, you could have saved him from the gang.
Maybe you could have opened his eyes.
You still remember the break-up like it was yesterday. You remember the rain, him leaving without once looking back, but mostly you remember the words you had uttered. Ghosts of their own, that feel more real now that he’s come back into your life.
*****
                “You’re going to get hurt!” you yelled. “You’ll get hurt, San. What are you thinking?”
He scoffed, shaking his head, and little droplets of water shot all around him. “I’ll be careful. We need the money if we ever want to make it out of this shit town.”
You blinked away tears, folding your arms on your chest as you tried to keep your heart from breaking. Though you reckoned it had broken when your parents had told you what they knew about San. When your father had mentioned Ateez, and you’d truly realized what it meant that he was part of a gang. San, your sweet, soft, and bubbly San, in a gang that had murdered someone just a few weeks ago.
“But that’s not a way to make money!” you screamed, hoping he’d understand. Hoping he’d hear the truth in your words, hoping he’d change his mind before it was too late. “Why don’t you get a part-time job, like me? Then we can go to college and get jobs in a nice city on the other side of the country!”
“It won’t work,” he drawled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I want to be out soon, not in a few years. I barely even have a roof over my head, Y/n…”
“Come live with me,” you choked out around the lump in your throat.
You both knew fully well that your parents would never let him come near you again.
“I can’t.”
You cried, hiding your face in your hands. You cried thinking of the field where you usually met, thinking about its beauty now fading into ugliness. You thought about the wildflowers, withered and dead as autumn had come. You thought about how you were convinced you knew what love was.
“What’s the point?” you asked then. “What’s the point of putting your life in danger? Life isn’t some sort of a game, Choi San. Worse, what if you have to hurt someone? Do you think you’ll be able to pull the trigger?”
He clenched his jaw, hard. “Do me a favour and stop asking questions.”
You closed your eyes, feeling sick to your stomach. Because it couldn’t be. Not San. Not your smiley San, who’d always weave dandelions crowns with you, as you’d pretend you were a queen and a king of that field you had found. An empty field, an abandoned farmland that was just yours and his to explore. That had been home to your first kiss, and all of those that had followed.
Now you wondered why he had always wanted to meet there in the first place. Was he trying to hide?
"If you love me, you’ll get out while you still can,” you said as your tears suddenly ended.
There was a weird sense of clarity in you, suddenly. You remembered the day you had fallen in love, the moment you had first kissed. You remembered the stars in the sky above, the meteors falling for the two of you. You remembered the music on the radio you had brought. Some Arctic Monkeys song about heartbreak, about moving on and failing to do so. As a joke, when it had ended, you had asked San, “Do you think love is a laserquest?”
His answer had been cryptic, mysterious, things that had made you believe he was the one. “Maybe. Maybe it is, and I’ve shot you in the back while you weren’t looking. Maybe I’m that annoying player that won’t leave you alone.”
“I’ll never find you annoying,” you had replied.
But today, watching the rain rolling down his face like tears, you realized that maybe, maybe you should have seen the warning behind his words. Because this betrayal, it came like he had shot you in the back – you didn’t think you’d be able to recover from it.
The past dwindled away as San spoke again, reminding you of the question you had just asked him. “It’s not a question of love, Y/n. I do love you. But it’s a question of survival.”
You laughed, coldly, and then you said, “You know what? You’re full of shit.”
“Alright then. Do me a favour and tell me to go away.”
“Go away.”
A long silence had lingered between you, voided of that summer warmth that had you falling in love. Like a piece was missing from the contract of you loving him, and him loving you. And you realized, maybe you had never really loved each other anyway.
He nodded once when you didn’t say anything else, before turning away. And you watched him walk away. You watched him thinking he was going to turn around and tell you this was just some twisted joke, the prank of the century. Only, he never turned around, and he disappeared behind the bend in the road, never to be seen again, cracking your heart open and splitting it in half.
*****
                The sun sets, like an ending to a dream. You’ve always liked the end – you think if you could choose, you’d want to witness the end of the world. The nostalgia, the beauty of endings… it’s something you understand now that you didn’t understand when you were younger. Because you and San ending, it had led to you focusing on high school. It had allowed you to get in the good college in town, with a scholarship that covered most of your expenses before you made it to med school.
There’s beauty in knowing losing San has allowed you to live out your dreams.
There’s less beauty in knowing that San has been sleeping for almost thirty-four hours now. Last time you checked, he was still breathing, but you’re starting to be afraid that he just won’t wake up. It’s irrational, you know – after the blood loss it makes sense that he’d sleep for a long time.
But it leaves you with far too much time on your hands to think and revisit the past. You’ve been doing it all day – thinking about the fight with your parents that had led to your break-up with San, thinking about that damn rainy evening he had walked away without once looking back. Thinking of the field, of sunshine and star falls and the sweetness of a first kiss. Thinking that, then, you thought you knew what it was like to be in love.
You haven’t dated anyone serious since San. Hyunmin was a distraction for a while, but you never were into it. Not like you were into San. There’s a guy in your class though, that you’ve been chatting with for a couple of weeks. He’s sweet, innocent, and the perspective of a future seems less scary with him around. He’s mentioned he wants to move across the country once too, and since then you’ve started talking more, the similarity of your wishes drawing you closer.
All day today you’ve been feeling like you’re slowly drifting away though. Slowly getting entrapped in a web you’re not sure you’ll be able to walk away from.
You decide to swim, seeking the fresh clarity only cold water can bring to you. You don’t have a swimsuit with you, but since San is half-dead in bed you figure it doesn’t matter. So you strip naked, feet making squelching sounds in the mud by the lake side as you step in the water.
The sharp cold has you holding your breath, but you don’t slow down. You’ve never slowed down in life – when you make a decision, you bring it to completion. And you’ve decided to swim, so swim you will.
The warm summer evening breeze catches in your hair as you take another step forward, the water now lapping at your thighs. You dread the moment it’ll hit your core, knowing that that’s the worst part, but you breathe in deeply, moving forward. Because there’s no moving backwards now.
When the water hits, your eyes flutter shut, and you hold in the wince that threatens to escape the mask of calm your features hold. Soon enough, you get deep enough to swim, and the movements bring welcomed warmth to your limbs as you flop on your back, tits out of the water.
Your uncle’s cabin is the only cabin in a fifteen miles radius. You know you won’t be interrupted, and so you let the water cool you down. Calm you down, hold you in its fresh embrace. It undoes knots in your back that have formed from worrying about San, but also from worrying about college.
From worrying that you will never be enough. You think it’s a normal anxiety to have, something most people must feel as they go through the trials of college, not knowing what to expect on the other side. A nice career, perhaps, though the perspective of failure is there too, looming over the horizon.
You sigh, and your eyes flutter open as your legs move mindlessly under you, making sure to keep you afloat. You look up at the azury ceiling over your head, so far away as it slowly turns gold. Out of touch, out of grasp. You watch the fluffy white clouds that are lazily crossing the sky, turning fiery in the sunset, as if they have all the time in the universe. And you wish you were them, up above. With nothing to worry about.
Without a Choi San on the brink of death lying about twenty meters away from you. You sigh, and you turn in the water, with the purpose of swimming again. Though your gaze catches movement by the cabin, and your head snaps towards it to see none other than the supposedly Choi San, standing on the deck with a hand clutching his side.
You shriek, looking down at yourself. Most of you is hidden, but you don’t know how long he’s been there. Don’t know if he’s seen you naked as you looked up at the sky.
He doesn’t move, only watches you where you’re swimming.
“Can you please look away?” you say from the water, and he has the nerves to lean against the railing, eyes still boring into where you’re swimming. You think his gaze might be so hot the water will boil, and it startles you into action.
You start walking out of the water, pointing towards the door. “You shouldn’t be up, Choi San.”
“I feel fine,” he says as you take another step forward, and the water barely hides your tits anymore.
That makes him turn around, as he offers you a little bit of privacy. You’re quick to get out of the water and wrap yourself in the towel you brought outside, and then you collect your clothes to head back to the cabin. San dutifully keeps his gaze away until you’re climbing the three steps leading to the deck, and it’s then that his eyes trail to you again.
“Thank you for the water,” he says, offering you a tentative smile.
You left water by his bedside earlier today hoping it will coax him to wake up. You’re strangely surprised that it worked.
“You should go sit inside,” you scold him, only half-heartedly. Because seeing him up and about reassures you, somehow.
He cocks an eyebrow, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “The weather is beautiful, I’d rather sit outside.”
You roll your eyes, but you do let him walk down the stairs to sit by the fireplace while you go inside to take a quick shower and get dressed. You decide to make some food for him, though you know he shouldn’t eat too much right now, after not having eaten for a while. He has to start slowly, and you don’t even know if he’s hungry anyway.
You settle for preparing a cup of chicken noodle soup for him, so at least it isn’t too heavy on his stomach. You bring it to him outside, as he’s just calmly observing the lake.
“Thank you,” he says, voice small as he grabs the cup and the spoon.
You sit next to him, trying not to watch him eat too much. His hair is sticking to his forehead in some places, and you have the distinct thought that he’ll probably need to shower. At least there’s plenty of rain water in the bucket for the water pump.
“What have you been doing while I was out?” he asks.
You spare him a quick glance before losing your gaze in the rocks of the fireplace. “I’ve studied. Checked up on you. Not much honestly.”
He chuckles. “I’d argue that caring for someone is a lot.”
You glance at him, cheeks burning at the sight of his teasing smile. “Not really.”
He chuckles again, but doesn’t say anything more before eating another spoonful of soup. He’s almost done with the cup when he actually does speak, asking, “How long was I out?”
“A day and a half,” you answer. “I’m actually surprised you haven’t slept longer.”
You can hear the smirk in his voice when he says, “I’m made of tough stuff.”
You snicker, but you don’t say anything, just focusing on where you’re kicking at the dirt. When he’s done with the cup, he puts it down on the ground next to him, before sitting back in the chair. He stretches out his legs in front of him, sighing deeply.
“I still feel out of it,” he admits, and you meet his gaze.
“You can sleep more,” you tell him. “I’d just like to check on the…”
You don’t even have to finish your sentence. He immediately turns so his side is to you, and you have to admit you’ve done a perfectly good job with the stitches.
“So?” he asks.
“All good.” You pat his shoulder. “You can sit comfortably again.”
He’s smiling when he does so, and his gaze wanders to the lake once again. “I’m sorry I…” he trails off, and he chuckles softly. “I’m sorry I interrupted your little swim earlier.”
You have the decency to flush furiously red, and you shrug your shoulders. “No worries, I wasn’t expecting you to be up so soon.”
You fall in a comfortable silence, surprisingly so. Rare stars dot the darkening sky up above, and all that can be heard for a moment is the flap of a bird’s wing as it moves from branches to branches in the trees by the water. The breeze picks up as you watch the little bird, and the leaves dance, loudly so. You’d think it’d be deafening in the silence between you and him, but it’s strangely reassuring.
As if, after all, you found your way back to the field. Only this time it’s completely different, as if decades have passed between you. At least, that’s how it feels like.
You notice San has dozed off in the chair next to you when you were about to speak to him again. To ask him how he’s truly been, in the years between then and now. Hoping to avoid mentioning what led to him coming to you, yesterday, a whole eternity ago.
You watch him, heart aching in your chest. Aching to reach out and brush his hair away from his forehead, aching to heal the cut on his cheek with a gentle swipe of your fingers. If only medicine was so simple…
It seems the peace of the early evening wasn’t going to stay around, because you notice dark clouds rolling in the distance, streaks of lightning cutting through them. Slowly inching closer, menacingly so, and you gently wake San up with your hand on his wrist.
He startles awake, hand shooting to his waist, finding nothing there. It startles you, and you both stare at each other for a moment until you realize what he was looking for.
His gun.
“San…” you let out and he runs his hand through his hair, eyes falling shut as he breathes in and out raggedly.
“Sorry.”
“San, I’m so sorry.”
He doesn’t open his eyes, refuses to let you see the vulnerability you glimpsed behind his piercing gaze. Refuses to acknowledge that he’s terrified, deadly so.
“Let’s go in,” you tell him, softly. Because you’re afraid you’ll spook him, when he’s clearly been living in fear long enough. “There’s a storm coming.”
He nods, carefully getting up without sparing you a glance. He heads inside, hand clutching his side again, while you pick up the chicken noodle soup cup before following him.
You’ve refilled the generator before swimming, so you know it’s been charging the batteries for a while now. You don’t fear ending up in the dark with San, and there’s also always the option of using the lamps and candles your uncle always leave here in case of an emergency.
The storm doesn’t roll in until a little later. You’ve forced San to put a shirt on – mostly so your eyes would stop betraying you, dropping to his toned body whenever he talked to you. You’re currently sitting on the couch, and as the rain starts, hammering against the window behind you, you pull your legs to your chest, wrapping your arms comfortably around them.
“How hard do the storms hit here?” he asks, eyes trailed to the world outside.
You follow his gaze, right as wind picks up to make the water hit the window even harder, creating a cacophony that forces you to speak louder for him to hear. “Pretty hard.”
He nods, and he glances once at you. “Fun.”
You smile, because you’ve always liked storms. Have always found them electrifying, energizing.
“Do you remember when we used to go to the field when it rained?” San asks, taking you by surprise.
Making your heart clench so hard in your chest you have to take a wobbly breath in. If he notices he doesn’t say.
“We were always in that field,” you remind him. “No matter the weather.”
It’s his turn to smile fondly. “It got so pretty with all the wildflowers. But you were afraid of the bees.”
“Bees are scary!” You laugh, and he echoes it with a soft chuckle. “You’re the one that almost pissed yourself when we saw the rat.”
That makes him laugh, and he winces in pain clutching his side. “Gosh, is it supposed to keep on hurting like this?”
It douses your enthusiasm and your smile falls. “Well, it was a solid cut.”
His eyes get lost in the void as he takes on a wistful expression. “I’m surprised I didn’t die.”
You gulp, watching his profile carefully. “It wasn’t deep enough for that…” you trail off, even though you spent most of yesterday and today being convinced he’d die. “At least they didn’t… stab you.”
“They would have if… Wooyoung didn’t shoot.”
You remain silent, not knowing what to reply to that. San interprets that as discomfort, and he quickly adds, “He didn’t shoot them. Just… in the air. It attracted the police.”
You remember the cars zooming past the diner a lifetime ago, and you nod your head. “I heard.”
He seems surprised, and his gaze finally finds yours again. “You did?”
“Yeah.” You chuckle, a little awkwardly. “I hear a lot of shootings, in the diner.”
His eyes widen, mouth falling open cutely. “You do?”
You don’t know what he expected. The diner is right between Ateez and Bangtan territory, and as much as it is a safe space, it is also near enough to dangerous grounds, and you’ve heard plenty of shooting in your time working there.
“Always,” you admit. “It can get scary sometimes… but you also get used to it.”
He looks sad. Infinitely so, like a lost puppy. That’s when the first thunder hits, so sharp and sudden you startle. Not quite as much as San, who ducks, wincing in pain as he clutches his side.
“Shit,” he curses. “Sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” you ask, in time with another thunderclap, though this time it’s more of a rumble.
You watch his chest as he breathes in and out quickly. “Just… fuck.”
Now, concern grows in you, and you gently put a hand on his shoulder. “San…”
He meets your gaze, and there’s so much white in his it makes you think of a terrified prey. And then it clicks: he thought it was a gunshot.
“Hey,” you quickly say, moving closer to him. You’re on the side of the stitches, so you still keep a safe distance between the two of you, but you grab his hand nonetheless. “You’re okay.”
“Fuck,” is all he’s able to say.
“I promise, no one’s going to find you here.”
He remains silent this time around, eyes still boring into yours. You take that as a cue to continue, because you don’t want him to panic. You want his thoughts here, with you, and not miles away in a city he should have escaped from years ago. You wish he had, knowing the atrocities that he would have avoided.
Would he have escaped with you, had you stayed just a little longer?
“I killed someone,” he says, and you balk at the silver lining his gaze. “I fucking killed him.”
You don’t know how to help. All you can think to do is cup his cheek, right as he starts breathing even faster. “Breathe with me, San.”
He doesn’t say anything, but his eyes fall to your mouth. You make a good show of inhaling slowly, before exhaling even slower. It takes him a moment but he eventually follows your lead.
It breaks when there’s another sharp thunderclap, and he flinches, eyes shutting instinctively.
“Hey hey hey,” you say again, even more gentle, softer than before. You move even closer, and when a tear slips out of his closed eyes, you pull him into a hug, careful not to brush his side.
His head falls on your shoulder, and one of his arms wrap around your waist. A thunderclap later, he starts sobbing, fist balling the fabric of your shirt in his tight hold, and you let him do it. You let him hold onto you, hoping it’ll keep him here with you. Hoping it’ll keep him afloat during the storm that’s raging both outside and in his mind.
“It’s going to be okay,” you breathe, and you feel like you’re lying to him.
Because how can he ever be safe from the ghosts inside of his skull? The ghosts wandering the halls of him, tainting his soul with their presence?
“He’s never going to smile again,” San chokes out. “Everyone loved him. Even in Ateez… Jungkook was the best of us. The only one who had a shot at getting out of it.”
You don’t know how good he could have been, if he was a member of Bangtan. In your mind, you’d always seen Bangtan as the bad guys, mostly because they weren’t with San. Even when you had been struggling to evade that life, you’d still rooted for him.
It’s strange how you just realize that now, as you’re holding him while he breaks.
“You didn’t mean to kill him,” you remind San, still speaking with the calmest voice you can muster up. “You didn’t want to, San. You’re not a murderer.”
“I’m still a killer,” he says. He sounds angry, and you reckon he might be angry at himself. Might be consumed with his actions, dragged to hell before his time as his mind gets stuck replaying the events.
“Maybe,” you answer. “But,” you quickly add when he stiffens in your arms. “But you can spend the rest of your life making up for it. Repenting.”
He doesn’t respond right away, as he breaks some more, sobs rocking through him. You’ve never seen him like this, not even when you were younger and in love. It makes your gaze wet, yet you hold on strong for him. You keep your head held high, and you allow him to break in the safe haven that your arms represent.
Because to him, you’ve never been tainted. You’ve always been the ideal he was trying to pursue, albeit the wrong way.
“I don’t know how to repent,” he admits when he calms down. He turns his head, and his nose brushes along the skin of your neck, slightly tickling you. You ignore the feeling, especially as he adds, “Ateez… it’s all I’ve ever known.”
You run a hand on his back, soothingly. “It isn’t.”
Because there was you, too. There was the summer field and the twinkling stars and Artic Monkeys on the radio. There was the two of you, petal-soft kisses exchanged in the dead of night and in the brightness of day. There were rainy days, and then there was rain. There was him walking away, and you hate yourself then.
You wish you had stopped him that day, had kept him from going on to become what he’s become now. A person he clearly hates, someone that has a bounty on his head. Someone that doesn’t even believe they’re allowed redemption and you reckon you don’t even know if he is.
You only know that seeing him break is bending your will, the way the wind outside is bending the trees. All you can hope is that, like the tall trees, you won’t break.
*****
                The storm calmed down sometime around midnight. San ended up falling asleep on the couch, as you’d reassuringly ran your hand through his hair, trying to keep him with you. Though you think he’s been slipping through your fingers, into his demons.
You’ll find a way to bring him back. You have to. Turns out it comes faster than you think, as the electricity runs out and you busy yourself with lighting some candles throughout the main room. When you’re done, you put a blanket over him, and you almost let out a startled scream as his eyes shot open.
“Hello,” you say, resting a hand on your heart to tame the wild beats.
You’re about to move away, but he grabs your hand, forcing you to sit next to him. You don’t really resist, though you think you probably should. You’re weak – weaker still when he murmurs your name.
“San,” you whisper in return, and you’re aware your voice carries too much longing. Longing for a past when life’s atrocities hadn’t changed either of you yet.
“I’m so sorry,” he apologizes, and a tear rolls on his cheek.
You dry it, fingers lingering there. “It’s okay.”
“Angel…”
The nickname brings you back to laser quests and favours and warmth creeping up your stomach for the first time in your life.
“I’m no angel,” you breathe.
“You saved me.”
You hold his gaze. There’s something hiding behind his pupils. The need, to forget. You don’t think you have the ability to run his mind through amnesia, but still you brush his cheek again.
“You deserved saving.”
His eyes glaze once more, though this time no tears fall. “It’s hard to believe it.”
“Do you still believe love is a laser quest?” you ask him, out of the blue.
As if you’re a line straight of that Arctic Monkeys song you listened to the first time you kissed.
“Maybe,” he says, a parallel to that first time you had asked the question. “Maybe it is.”
You can’t resist. You lean down, and you press the gentlest kiss on his lips. His are dry, but the way he sighs with you against him is soft, for your heart and for your mind, and you kiss him again. He lets you lead, follows the dance of your lips, lets you run your hand through his sweaty hair.
Even if you shouldn’t. Even if you know everything you’re doing right now is a mistake, you still find yourself deepening the kiss, opening your lips to slip your tongue out, teasing his mouth. One of his hands finds your thigh, and he squeezes ever so slightly as his tongue finds yours, and you let out a breathy sound.
When you pull away, eyes fluttering open, you find San’s gaze. You think about the boy he was then, the girl you were then. You think about who you were, together. And when he says, “Please make me forget”, you lean again, capturing his mouth in a languid kiss.
For a reason unknown, the summer sky and falling stars pale in comparison to this kiss. Maybe because it holds longing, nostalgia. Hope that life would have turned out differently. For a moment, you picture what it would have been like, without Ateez. With you and him in the field, in your family house, in a car driving by the beach, windows down as the sun sets and you sing along to the radio, wind blowing in your hair.
You see a whole life there, with you and him marrying in the field, under the sun that had been the host of your first love. You imagine growing up by his side, attending college with him in the big city. You imagine how he would have become the owner of his own construction company, like his dad before him. You picture kids laughing, running around the house he would have built for you. You see Christmas light, late nights antics by the firelight.
You see it all, and you know you’ll never have any of it. But if you can have tonight, then you’ll grab it before it slips through your fingers. Before he walks away in the rain again, only to be a memory you cherish in the deepest corners of your heart.
“How?” you ask him when you pull away.
Mostly, you’re asking how to make him forget. But you’re also asking how it is that the feelings are still there, even stronger now, as if they’ve grown up with you, yet haven’t changed like you have. Like they are a constant of an ever-changing universe.
“Kiss me again,” he asks, begs, and you give in. You kiss him wildly, always making sure not to touch his side and the stitches.
You know sex would be a stupid idea, especially with the fresh stitches. But also because he’s barely had time to recover. But he doesn’t really give you a choice, pulling you on top of him until you’re straddling him.
You sit back on him for a second, eyes trailing to the spot where you know the stitches are. “This isn’t a good idea,” you whisper through the ragged breaths caused by the ministrations of his mouth on yours and of yours on his.
“I’m fine,” he says, and you know you shouldn’t believe him. But when he pulls you down again, large hand holding the nape of your neck firmly so you don’t escape, you want to believe him.
Want to believe the beauty of his lies, like you had when you were younger.
From where you’re perched, you can feel the start of his erection pressing against you, and you moan softly in the kiss, rolling your hips. His mouth falls open, and you capture his tongue, sucking on it once before you pull away, leaving hot kisses on his jaw.
“Sit on my face,” he says, and he sounds out of his mind. Crazed, a little like you too feel at the moment.
“What?”
“Can’t get hurt if you sit on my face, angel,” he explains, and then hisses when you suck a hickey on his neck.
You let him pull your shirt off, unclasping your bra yourself as you sit back on his lap. He cups your breasts, rolling your erect nipples between his thumbs and indexes. You moan again, grinding your hips into his, and he hisses once more.
“You want to taste me?” you ask, head throwing back as he pinches your nipples hard.
“I’d fuck you, but you’re the doctor. Can’t risk fucking up my stitches, huh?” he replies, voice low and husky.
Your core heats up, pussy clenching around nothing. This is a side of him you’ve never seen, though you spy desperation beneath it. Like he thinks he doesn’t have forever, when it comes to you.
He’s right. Because tomorrow, you’ll have to go back into town, into the hellscape you call home. What will be left of the two of you then?
So when he tugs at your pants, you give in and get up, taking off your pants and panties in one swift motion. You step out of them, blood heating up by the way he’s looking at you through half-lidded eyes, gaze burning on you.
You have half a thought that you could probably ride him instead of his face, but when you see his pink tongue darting out to wet his lips, making them glisten in the candlelight, you need to know what it’ll feel like against you.
So you straddle his face as he guides you down, large hands pushing on your thighs until your pussy is a hairsbreadth away from his lips. He blows on it, and your eyes shut with sensitivity. You clutch the cushion of the couch, hoping it’ll help steady you, but the moment his tongue flicks at your clit, you realize nothing will be able to steady you. Yet you still hold onto it, especially as he dives his tongue between your folds, lapping up your juice. He moans in contentment, before moving to your clit again. And his tongue is wicked down there, like it knows exactly what you like.
You grab a handful of his hair, grinding into his face. You’re pretty sure he’s chuckling down there, and then he unleashes himself. Sucking hard, alternating circling motions to teasing you with his teeth. You’d expect the latter to hurt, but the way he does it just makes you see stars, and your pussy clenches around nothing again.
San is deadly good with his mouth. Both with crafting lies and pulling moans out of you, and your thighs tighten against his face as he sucks particularly hard, before dipping his tongue inside of you. His nose brushes your clit, and then he forces you to properly sit on him.
The way his tongue moves inside of you, lapping up your juices while opening you up, has you on the brink of an orgasm in no time. Especially as he makes you grind again, holding you tight into place. When one of his hands moves from around your thigh to reach your clit, you cry out, head throwing back.
He’s quick to rub at your sensitive clit, and you grab one of your breasts, massaging it mindlessly before you pinch your nipple, hard, right in time with a skilled swipe of his tongue. Your orgasm meets you there, shaking through you as it explodes in a blinding flash of light. You moan, loudly, something that resembles his name, and he keeps you going, guides you through your high until you cringe with oversensitivity.
Only then does he let you climb off from his face. You stand on wobbly legs, before deciding to sit next to him, and you catch sight of the smirk on his lips. It makes you blush, right as you realize what you’ve just done.
When you realize what kind of sinful activity he’s dragged you in, this time around.
“Gosh,” is all you manage to say.
He chuckles, clearly proud with himself. “That felt good?”
You worry at your bottom lip, eyes going down to the tent in his pants. You want to pleasure him too, to take him in your mouth and make him feel good, but he stops you with a hand wrapped around your wrist.
“Don’t.”
You still and you meet his gaze with slightly-widened eyes. “Why not?”
His features turn somber, haunted, and the heat of the moment passes so quickly you think it might have been a figment of your imagination.
Were you really riding his face just a moment ago?
“Please just lay next to me,” he says, barely even a whisper.
You don’t know a lot of men that would choose cuddling over getting a blowjob, but if that is what he wants, then you’ll give it to him. You lay next to him, glad that the injured side is closer to the couch. That way, you can cuddle up to him, resting your head on his shoulder while he wraps an arm around you.
“Angel,” he murmurs after a time. “You’re a fucking angel. I think you’re my salvation.”
You highly doubt you hold this kind of power, but you don’t want to tell him. Have never been good at weaving beautiful lies for him to believe.
“We should stay here,” he continues. “Forever.”
And you wish you could. Wish reality didn’t exist, didn’t call for you to go back to your regular life like you’ve never been here with him. But you know tomorrow exists, and you’ll have to leave.
“We should have stayed in the field,” you choose to answer. “Under the shooting stars.”
“I wished for a lifetime with you, then,” he admits. “I wished I’d never have to let you go.”
You’d wished for a similar thing, but life is far too cruel to allow a world of first loves.
“Why did you…” you trail off. The question has haunted your sleepless nights for a long time after the break-up. Even years later, you’d still think about it sometimes, wondering if nostalgia would choke you up. “Why did you decide to join the gang?”
He tenses next to you. But you start tracing a mindless circle on his chest, through the shirt, and it distracts him enough for him to reply. “I thought I didn’t have a choice.”
“Did you?”
His voice holds the weight of the world when he says, “I did. And I made the wrong one.”
You want to cry, but you’re older now. You’re not the teenager who thought she was going to die from losing him anymore. You know what living without Choi San is like, and as much as it hurts, you know that it’s doable.
“You made the one you believed was right,” you say carefully. “But I do wish you had made a different one.”
He holds you a little tighter, as if that will make it so tomorrow never comes. “Me too.”
There’s an eternity of flickering candlelight on the ceiling, of the circles you trace on his chest and of your breathings forming a melody. Outside, the wind has died down, and the world is silent except from an occasional cricket braving the world after the storm.
“Where will you go, once you graduate?” he asks, taking you by surprise.
Because he knows. It’s one of the few things that hasn’t changed.
“As far away from here as I can.”
“I hope you find peace, wherever you go,” he whispers. “I hope you forget all about how we grew up in a hellhole.”
Do you feel bad for saying it? Maybe. But you can’t help saying it anyway. “I will, San.”
And like that rainy day years ago, you think you can see him walk away.
*****
Seven years later
The winter sun is strangely bright, up above. You’d think it will warm you up, but the cold is relentless, violent, and it sneaks into your coat as you walk out of the hospital. You’ve just finished a thirty-hour shift, and you can’t wait to be home.
To take a shower and forget that you’ve lost a patient today.
But you’ve saved another. A young man, with a stab wound in his ribs that should have killed him. But you saved him, stabilized his condition to the point you don’t have to worry about him anymore. Which is the only reason why you’re allowing yourself to leave now.
You’re never able to leave until you know your patients are okay. It’s been that way since your first patient, in a cabin in the woods you’ve done your best to forget.
You’d let San stay, after that weekend. He had given you the number of one of his friends, so you could get some clothes for him, and you’d gone back the next weekend. Bringing him the clothes, making love to him under the moonlight as if that would change the ending.
The following week, you had gone back to find the cabin empty. He’d left a note behind.
I hope I can find you again, wherever you go.
You kept the note. It’s in your bedside table, back at home, in the nice apartment you’ve been able to rent for yourself with all the money you’ve been making now. Enough to pay back student loans from med school, enough to reassure you that never again will you struggle.
You’ve never seen San again after. He hasn’t found you, and you haven’t searched for him. Have only looked up his name a couple of times, in the months following his disappearing, scared you’d find out that he was found dead in a ditch. But his name never came up, and you wondered if he had managed to escape, if he had managed to find a place where Bangtan couldn’t reach him.
You found peace, on your side of the country. Life is kinder here, though it still holds the same atrocities. You wonder if it’s the novelty of the city, or maybe if you’ve just grown old enough to be able to withstand the bad that the world throws your way. It’s hard to tell – you haven’t kept contact with anyone from back home, except Jae-on.
Jae-on, who’s moved with you when you’ve decided to come here, like he said he would. Jae-on, who asked you to marry him in late October, and you said yes. The ring sits heavy on your finger, and you mindlessly play with it.
In another world, you would already be married to Choi San. Sometimes, you catch glimpses of that world – a piercing gaze in the morning, a smile and a kiss to your temple. Talks about angels, children screaming in happiness. In another world, you’d be pregnant again, waiting patiently to add another piece of you and him to this world.
It’s fun to think about, sometimes, but you’ve been good at forgetting. Like you told him you would – most times, you’ve forgotten all about Choi San.
But today, you had a patient that reminded you of him. So you allow yourself to feel, you allow yourself to think about that note tucked in the bottom drawer of your bedside table, hidden under the thick socks you never use.
You allow yourself to think about the cabin in the woods, about the field where you would have gotten married had you been in that picturesque world you like to imagine. You think about laser quests and first kiss and rainy days and meteors. You think about summer, about wildflowers and him.
You’re so lost in thought you miss your stop home, and you begrudgingly get out at the next one. You’re tired, and your hands are shaking as you pull your phone out of your tote bag, wanting to text Jae-on that you’re going to be home late because you missed your stop. You walk to the other side of the tracks, sighing when you see a five-minutes wait for the next subway.
At least the sun is high in the sky, even though it is dreadfully cold. You shiver, putting your phone back in your tote bag so you can hide your hands in your sleeves again, hoping it’ll preserve them from the cold.
In your exhaustion, you forgot your gloves back at the hospital, you realize. It’s strange that you only realize now, and you reckon you really need to sleep, because your brain isn’t even working right anymore.
You sigh, glancing at the display showing the time. Still four minutes to wait. You think at this rhythm you might freeze in your spot before the next subway comes. You try to hide your face in the lapel of your coat, but a movement on the other platform attracts your gaze.
A man is helping an older woman climb down the stairs. She’s speaking loudly, which might be what attracted your gaze in the first place. You follow them as they walk down the stairs, and then when the man turns towards you, you meet his piercing gaze.
He smiles, and you realize that maybe, all those years ago, he was not spinning lies to you after all.
☆☆☆☆☆
Gosh yeahhh rereading it had me ralize that it is a lot sadder than I remembered it to be. At least we got an open ending ... :') What did we think? Should I write about other groups more often? Let me know what you think! All rights reserved to @/oddinary4bts, 2023. Do not copy, repost or translate
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hee0soo · 3 months
Text
Underneath the Moon
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Pairing — ChoiSanx afab!reader
Summary — While on a run in the woods you stumble over something that would change your life forever...
Genre — A/B/O AU, WolfAU
Warnings — blood, injuries, mentions of forced mating
Word Count — 12.4k
Note — Do i like this? Well lets just say that i never though i'd write anything involving a/b/o but inspiration sparked i guess
Disclaimer: this fic is written and copyrighted by ©hee0soo on tumblr. do not rewrite or repost on any other plattforms without my permission.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED!
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You weren't supposed to be out in the woods. You never were. At least when it came down to what your pack mates thought!
As a beta, you weren't of much worth to your pack. You weren't strong like the alphas or nurturing like the omegas, you couldn't bare pups, at least not as easily as the omegas and you couldn't help anyone with their ruts or heats. Not even the color of your wolfs fur was particularly impressive nor were you particularly big as a wolf! To them, you were useless, unless it was to do chores!
The only place you truly felt like you could breath without having to feel the judgmental looks of your pack mates, were the woods. A place where you could simply be yourself as you ran wherever you liked. A place where only the alphas dared to venture during their hunts or when they went on patrols.
You weren't even sure why it was so frowned upon if someone left the village. You guessed it was just the way things had always been. And nobody saw a reason why that should change. To say your pack wasn't the most evolved would be correct.
That’s why you didn't expect to run into anyone when you decided to go for a run after your chores were done for the day. The sun was already starting to set behind the tree line, making the sky glow in a beautiful orange as the air started to cool down for the night as the cold tucked on your dirty white fur.
And if you were being honest, you didn't run into anyone either! No! You literally stumbled over your own 4 paws and right over a massive black mountain of fur as you trotted alongside the small stream at the outskirts of your territory! He was almost double your size even while curled up protectively and you jumped away quickly !
The biting stench of blood filling up your sensitive nose , overriding his natural scent of peppermint, soap and ash, which admittedly would have been something you enjoyed under normal circumstances, and a small growl escaped your snout. The sound wasn’t very terrifying , something your siblings had always made fun of you for and you weren't even sure the strange wolf registered the sound either way.
He didn't move an inch, only the sound of his harsh breathing and the rustling of the leaves in the wind could be heard. The ground beneath him dyed dark, drenched by the blood he was losing.
Careful as to not startle the wolf, you approached his body slowly, hesitant in case you would have to escape quickly. You didn't.
Along the wolfs side ran a deep cut and his right hind leg looked weirdly twisted. You sniffed at him. Scent immediately telling you that this was an alpha, making you recoil at the realization!
Honestly you could have seen that one without having to smell it on him. The sheer size and surprisingly still dominating aura even while injured, making you want to cower before him.
It was like he could feel the presence of your wolf the closer you came because his eyes fluttered open and a growl followed by a soft whine escaped the alpha without having the ability to stop himself before his head fell to the side, submitting himself to whatever you were going do do to him. He knew that in his current condition, he was an easy target for other wolfs and if the beta in front of him wanted, she could easily end him right then and there without him being able to defend himself!
That wasn't what you wanted in the slightest! It couldn't even be further from what you were feeling at the moment. Instead of hostility all the alpha could smell was worry! If for him or your safety, he wasn't able to tell at the moment!
You worried that he wouldn't be able to survive the night if he stayed out like this!
The cold wind pulling at the black wolfs coat which, in normal cases, should not be a problem but with the wound and blood loss, you feared that the enhanced healing every alpha was gifted with wouldn't be able do kick in fast enough before the cold took his life!
You huffed, deciding on what you were supposed to do. Should you risk running back home and get someone or should you simply stay with him and hope that the warmth of your body was enough to keep him warm enough until the next morning?
The possibility of you being to late with someone was high. Very high and as a matter of fact not something you were willing do risk ...
The alpha, surprised by the sudden warmth of your body, keened lowly. He was in pain and so far the cold had not helped him heal in the slightest, so the warmth you offered was greatly appreciated and he could instantly feel himself heal a little faster.
The subtle smell of green apples and honey filled his nose and he would lie if he said he didn't enjoy it. It smelled like home and soothed by it his eye fell shut once more...
In contrast to the alpha, you weren't able to fall asleep at all. To many thoughts were running through your mind as you watched the strange wolf sleep. You had so many questions and for none of them did you have an answer...
Where did he come from? Why was he injured? Why was he alone?
Those were all things keeping you up until the next morning! The pained whimper she let out every now and then not helping with that!
It had only been a few hours but you could already see that the wound on the alphas side was slowly starting to close but you stayed where you were pressed against him. At least until your stomach started growling.
Since you had forgone dinner in favor of keeping the wolf as alive as possible, your stomach was not particularly happy about that and with a glance at the alpha, you were sure that breakfast was a good idea for you and him!
The only problem? The last time you tried to hunt was when you were still a pup, playing with your siblings but you guessed that you didn't have a choice but do try anyways!
It took some time but in the end you managed to catch a rabbit and when you came back you found that the alpha was already awake cleaning himself from the dried blood.
He looked better, still not strong enough to get up but at least he could lift his head now.
The alpha blinked a few times at the rabbit you dropped in front of him, wanting him to eat first. Seeing that the alpha was more then a little hesitant to take a bite from the food offered, you whined and pushed the rabbit closer to the alpha, happy when he accepted it slowly.
The whine tugged at the alphas heart strings and he watched carefully how you laid down in front of him, head placed in between your paws as you unconsciously licked your snout in hunger. The black wolf easily nudged the dead animal towards you wanting to make it clear that he wanted to share with you.
Eager for some food, you bit down on the meat and a satisfied rumble could be heard from the bigger wolf.
After you made sure the stranger was okay, you quickly made your way back home. Your disappearance surely had been noticed already and you couldn't afford to stay away any longer then you had at this point and you were proven right as soon as you shifted back and entered your parents house.
"Where were you?!" your mother demanded, hands propped up on her hips and face contorted to one of pure anger.
laughing hesitantly, you tried to brush past her and walk into the kitchen.
"Hello mother, I was out visiting Soyeon-ah. We had a girls night,"
"A girls night huh? And why were you shifted just now?"
Id was evident that the older woman didn't believe you but you ignored her doubt and instead started to clean up the mess some of your younger siblings had left behind after breakfast.
Shrugging you picked up the dishes and put them in the sink. "I was just out for a little run. Nothing bad."
"Nothing bad? Y/n you know that you are not supposed to go into the woods! Why can't you just listen for once and do what you should be doing and that's stay here and help in the house?!"
You should have expected this. It was the same thing you always heard ever since you presented and at this point you didn't even react to it anymore. It didn't mean that the words didn't sting.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
The omega woman shook her head in disappointment, not understanding in the slightest why you couldn't just do what was expected of you, before she left the room.
Your mind went back to the injured wolf. You hoped that he was okay! Hoped that the patrols wouldn't stay that far from their usual route and find him. The chance of them being as friendly as you were was none existent!
Time went by extra slow that day. It seemed that whatever you did that day, it took ages! Be it laundry, cleaning or running after the pups and making sure they didn't hurt themselves, time just didn't pass and when it finally got dark and every chore on your list was finished, you finally found yourself alone for the day.
You knew what you wanted to do, the plan forming inside your head ever since you had gotten home that morning! And so you quickly and as silent as you could as to not alert anyone, you gathered some things to put them inside a bag. In the end you had enough food and medical supplies to last for months probably!
Sneaking out again however turned out to be harder then you had expected. Apparently some pups had decided to stay up late and so your parents were still up and about in the living room. Your only chance would be the window...
Jumping out of the window was not on your list of things you liked to do but this wasn't the first time and knowing yourself, it wouldn't be the last time either!
Careful as to not slip and hurt yourself, you jumped without a second thought and landed with a thudd, the strap of the bag slung over your shoulder.
Dropping the bag to the ground, you shifted back into your wolf form, knowing that you’d be faster on 4 legs then just 2.
Taking the bag into your mouth, you quickly made your way between the trees and ran towards where you had found the alpha just the night before.
The stream was quiet as always and only the noise of water splashing against a few small rocks laying in the streams, paired with the chirping of crickets which enjoyed the darkness of the night could be heard.
What confused you however was that the wolf seemed to have vanished. Sniffing the air, you didn’t smell anything out of the ordinary. None of your packmates had been anywhere close and traces of wild animals that could have further attacked the injured wolf also couldn’t be found.
That was something at least! But where could he have gone?
It still smelled strongly like him so he couldn’t have been gone very long…
You looked around, trotting over the clearing in search for a trace of him, bag still dangling in between your teeth until the crack of snapping twigs made you stop in your tracks behind you!
You still couldn’t smell anything out of the ordinary but still, fear grasped your heart in it’s cold clutches and your tail was tugged between your legs. The urge to turn around and run nearly overwhelmed you until…
“It’s okay! Stay…”
You swiveled around only to take a few steps back as you came to face with a young man clutching his midsection and staying off of his right leg.
It was evident that it was the same alpha that had still been turned when you had left this morning judgibg by the injury, blood smeared across his smooth skin and pain laced voice.
He took a step forward, using a tree to hold himself upright just as you took another step back.
The bag dropped from your mouth and you bared your teeth to appear as intimidating as you could acompanied by a low growl.
“You came back… Don’t worry, I won’t do anything rash…”
His bloodstained coat hanging loosely from his shoulders, revealing a toned chest that you didn't want to admit, you looked at for a second longer then it was appropriate.
The alpha stayed where he was, your stance showing that you didn't trust him in the slightest.
"What's in the bag dear?"
His voice is soft, something you weren't used to hear from an alpha! Especially not from one with such an intimidating and broad build!
You threw the bag towards him, not daring to come any closer and the other quickly accepted that you wouldn't come closer just yet, not trusting him.
"Is that for me?"
You barked softly in agreement. Guilt settled in your gut when the pained grunts he let out while reaching for the bag reached your ears. He went through the contents of it and when he realized what it was, his face lit up a little.
Carefully watching his every move, you laid down where you were. His eyes flickered back to you and he stilled, bandage held in one small hand while the other cleaned up some of the red stains still covering the area around the wound with hesitant moves.
Your eyes were caught on the many rings adorning his short but somehow still very veiny fingers.
"I'm Choi San from the Kim Pack... think you can trust me now? At least a little?"
Your ears twitched in acknowledgement.
You had heard from the Kim Pack from your father a couple of times. What you had heard was never directed at you, but that didn't mean that you didn't listen.
Led by an omega, the Kim pack was one of the newer packs. One of the ones which others frowned upon simply for not being like them! The fact that it wasn't an alpha that was in charge, was just one of many things older packs like yours hated! They were also one of the few packs that used the mountains and a big part of the dark forest as a territory! If you were already warned not to go into the woods then your parents surely would have a heart attack if you ever were to go there!
An it meant that the wolf in front of you was hundreds of miles away from his home...
Confused your head tilted to the side.
What was he doing here?
A small smile grazed San's lips and he continued fumbling with the bandages.
"You know, It would be much easier to talk with you if you'd actually be able to answer."
You thought about it for a moment. Of course you knew that he was right, however you were sure that you would be far quicker to get away in your wolf form then as a . On the other hand, you were very curious and not being able to talk made the situation much harder. Also, in his current state, you were sure that you were still faster then him if you stayed where you were!
So you turned.
Surprise was written all over San's face. He hadn't thought that you would actually consider turning considering that you had made yourself so much more vulnerable to him, a stranger!
"Hey." you said a little awkward and gave him a small wave from where you were seated.
"Hi. Thank you for all of this..." San nodded towards the bag before trailing of in the end.
"... y/n!"
"Y/n, a pretty name! Anyways thank you again. You didn't need to do that for me! None of it really!"
He was being sincere that much you could tell just by watching his face.
"Oh so you would have rather bled out last night?" you asked sarcastically. A laugh came from the male, followed by a pained wheeze caused by the sudden contraction of his body.
"No of course not! But I would have understood if you had just left me behind. I'm not your problem after all." He pressed out, the wave of pain only slowly subsiding.
"I'm not heartless in case you haven't noticed! You needed help and l couldn't have lived with myself if I had just left you to bleed out in the cold..." you huffed, outraged by his implication.
"I know. But you are probably one of very few . Not everyone would have held a strange alpha warm, hunt for them AND bring medical supplies! I owe you for that."
He was right! Not one person you knew would have helped him out in his situation and the few who might have helped, probably would have sold him out to the patrols right after! Others would most likely see what you did as treason!
"You don't owe me anything. Just get better and don't get yourself caught! I don't think my pack will be as merciful as I am." You answered calmly.
San shrugged of his coat to wrap his torso with the gauze. Your eyes widened at the sudden move and you quickly looked away, heat rushing to your cheeks and you suddenly felt a lot warmer!
You couldn't deny that he looked good!
The alpha had caught the movement in his peripheral vision but he didn't say anything.
"How did you even end up like that?" Gesturing towards his torso while focusing your eyes on the ground.
San replied with a shrug.
"I was on the way back to my pack after being send to the Choi pack for a trade offer... let's just say not all of them were happy that their pack alpha let me go just like that ..."
You knew what he was talking about. The Choi's weren't known for their hospitality! More then once had their been visits from and to their packs as your neighbors and ally’s and none of the m had been pleasant! The alphas thought they were the best and everyone else, beta and omega alike, were just dirty beneath their feet! You scowled at the memory’s of their last visit where one of the freshly presented alphas had tried to force themselves on you simply because he thought you had a pretty face. A no, meant nothing to them!
"I see you know what I'm talking about,” he noted gently at the sight of y wrapping your arms around yourself to hideaway.
You grumbled.
When the gauze fell out of Sans hands for what felt like the fifth time and the man cursed under his breath you got up and walked closer, finally daring to move closer only to take the offending material out of his hands.
"Can I?"
The males eye widened in surprise, gratefully handing the rolled up gauze over.
You desperately tried to keep your eyes focused on the wound but it was hard not to let them wander.
His tattoo appeared even more impressive up close and his scent, now not overridden by the smell of blood was pleasantly tickling your nose!
In the matter of seconds you were finished. The wound looked way better already and you guessed that if he rested one or two more days, he would be completely healed!
"How is your leg doing? Still broken?"
San shook his head, stretching out his leg to prove his point. He was right! There weren't any signs of there ever being a break in the first place!
"Good. I'd stay one more night if I were you just to give that gash a little more time to close and then you should be good to go. Maybe don't run at full speed right away."
"You're good at this! How did you learn all of that?"
You scoffed.
"As a beta the only thing your good for in my pack is doing what your told. And one of the things you learn is wrap up injuries for idiot alphas."
When you received a weird look all you could do was give him a tight lipped smile.
"That's stupid! Betas are capable of so much more then that! They're literally what keeps us safe!"
This time it was you who looked at him weirdly.
"It's true! My best friend and our youngest are both betas and trust me, they're some of the best trained members of the pack. Most loyal ones too."
"Sounds like an amazing pack." you whispered to yourself.
San looked at you empathetically. The way you spoke it was clear that you weren't happy with your life there.
It was silent from then on and you packed everything back into the bag.
Sitting back on your heels you looked back up at his face again.
"You can keep the bag and everything inside! I guess you need it more then me since you still got a long way ahead of you! Please take care of yourself San, you're a good one and I'd hate for my affords to keep you alive to go to waste!" The wink you gave him made him understand that you were just teasing him.
"Understood dear," he saluted and watched you stand up and take a step back. "Take care of yourself too!"
Shifting back into the dirty white wolf, you barked at him one last time, body playfully lowered before sprinting away into the darkness of the woods.
It was still dark when you reached your house and everything was silent when you opened the front door to slip inside undetected. The clock hanging in the main room, showing that it was only 2:30 am, giving you enough time to get at least a good 4 to 5 hours of sleep before you had to get up again do help prepare for the full moon in 3 days time!
In your pack, the full moon was greatly celebrated! It was tradition to celebrate the moon and invite the pack that was the closest and longest ally which, to your horror, was the Choi Pack!
Now knowing what some members of that pack had done to San simply because he left on his own 4 paws instead of rotting somewhere in the woods, had your resentment turn into full blown hate and you hoped that the festive was quickly over and done with . Your own pack was hard enough to tolerate but WITH the Choi Pack? Almost impossible!
But what could you do? In the end all there was sucking it up like a good pliant beta!
You wanted to hurl at the thought of it.
Sleep came quickly after that and suddenly there was the image of a giant black colored alpha running through your dreams, acting like a love drunk puppy as he playfully jumped up and down, left and right, waiting for something or someone, you, to follow...
The next 2 days were spend cooking, baking , cleaning and decorating to make sure the clearing where the celebration was held and the village was prepared for your guests! You didn't have the time or energy to turn and check if San was still at the outskirts of the woods and since none of the patrols had reported any weird activities, you could breath a little easier.
The prospect of the sweet alpha leaving did however sadden you more then you were willing to admit! And with the looming presence of the packs guests you dared to go back to that place one last time for the time being...
other then the occasional squirrel and bird, there was nobody to be found. The smell of peppermint, soap and ash had gone stale, proving that the alpha had indeed left a white ago.
You huffed in disappointment and just when you wanted to leave again, something silver reflecting caught your eyes. It was a ring, hung up on a simple leather band and bound to one of the lower branches underneath the tree you had found San a few days ago!
Curious you came closer to inspect the jewelry left behind. It seemed that it was deliberately left behind instead of lost and forgotten and the way it was tied up told you that this was meant to be found. Found by you!
You turned, if only to untie the ring and to inspect it closer.
It was San's without a doubt and instantly your mind went back to his ring clad fingers. The fact that he had left it there for you, probably as a thank you for everything, made your heart flutter and butterflies started dancing in your stomach.
Unnoticed by you, it had softly started to rain and drops of water were landing on your lonely form as the realization set in that you weren't going to see him again which caused a lone tear to mix with the rain. You hadn't noticed just hon much you had looked forward to the nightly run ins with him.
A deep suffering sigh escaped your lips and you eyed the ring in your hands one last time before you put the leather band over your head and around your neck before you shifted again.
This time you didn't look back, not wanting to be reminded that your life would now go back to the normal trot you so desperately wanted to escape from...
You were drenched by the time you arrived home and only the thick pelt you had prevented the cold of the night to start shacking from it.
The village was empty as expected but the tell tale signs of your guests having arrived were already there. How you hadn't noticed them on your way out you didn't know, probably because of the rain!
Windows were still lit up in some houses and even your family seemed to still be awake, even if it was late, making it impossible to sneak inside undetected. You accepted your fate quickly and turned back only to open the front door dripping wet all over the floor.
Seated in the main room were your parents, the oldest pups of your family and a few faces you had only ever seen in passing whenever the Moon celebration was held ! One of them being the young alpha who couldn't seem to leave you be with some of his pack mates!
"y/n darling, there you are! Why were you outside in this rain? Come in get yourself dried of and then come join us please!"
Even if it was framed like a question, you knew that your father didn't leave you much room to actually choose if you wanted to join them. You just nodded and tried to avoid the wolfish stare the alpha was looking at you with while simultaneously not look at your mother to not see her disappointment for sauntering inside the woods again.
You took your time getting changed, hoping to delay the inevitable!
The evening was horrible to say the least! Bongho, the alpha, had still not understood that you didn't want anything to do with him and so you found yourself hiding with Soyeon as much as you could! With the difference that Soyeon was actually excited by the others packs visit. It wasn't a surprise seeing as the other girl was one of the most soothed after unmated omega in your pack it wasn't a surprise that the alphas of the other pack thought the same!
If it came down to her, you both wouldn't hideout in the kitchen but actually interact with them!
"I don't get why you're so against Bongho-ssi showing interest in you! He is tall, handsome, an incredible hunter and warrior and have you seen those arms? You have to at least admit that he is hot right?"
Nervously you fiddled with the ring around your neck, a motion that had begun to be something you did when you needed a distraction, which had been constant at this point !
You rolled your eyes at Soyeons enthusiasm for the alpha.
"Only that he’s not my type in the slightest and I am this close to losing it if he talks to me like I'm stupid one more time!"
The omega groaned at your words, not understanding your stubbornness in the slightest.
"You're overreacting y/n! Just get to know him a little and you'll see that he's not as bad as you think !"
"Soyeon-ah... he almost assaulted me last time he was here because he couldn't accept a no! If you're so fascinated by him the have at him! Believe me, you'd do me a favor."
With a huff you reached for one of the cupcakes on the platter closest to you.
"He didn't try to assault you. He simply wanted to get to know you so you should be flattered. And with his father being second in command, I'd would guarantee you a high position if you were to be his mate!"
The thought of having to mate with Bongho left you staring at the sweet treat in your hand and suddenly nausea over came you.
"Yeah, I'd rather get ripped apart by a bear! And in case you've forgotten, I'm a beta! I can't have pups so why would he want to mate me? The only reason he's so interested is because he isn't used to rejection..."
Soyeon got up from her place on the kitchen counter, shaking her head while doing so.
"Because you’re gorgeous and any wolf would be glad to have you."
With that she walked out, leaving you behind to pout.
You cussed under your breath but stayed were you were. You hoped that you could stay hidden for sometime before you had to join the singing and dancing wolfs outside. Id worked for about an hour where you busied yourself with snacking on some fruit bowls when suddenly the door got thrown open and the one wolf you tried to avoid came strutting in . His cocky aura made your inner wolf growl and snap her teeth anguish and his strong scent of gasoline paired with the stench of alcohol and cigarettes filled the room.
To you the smell was more then just unpleasant and you caught yourself yearning for peppermint, soap and ash!
"There you are dear! If I'd didn't know better I'd think you were hiding from me."
Fascinating how the same pet name could cause an entirely different reaction!
"I WAS hiding from you asshole!" you whispered to yourself and wrinkled your nose in distaste.
"Yeah, funny right?"
Bongho carried himself over to you I reaching out to touch your face while you looked up from your chair, not seeing a reason to show him respect by standing up.
You leaned away from his fingers trying to trail along your cheeks down to your jaw while batting his hand away.
The alpha towered over you, dis pleased by your reaction.
"You know, if you were my mate you wouldn't be such a brat. he sneered, leaning down to lean into your personal space.
The close proximity of him and his scent that aggravated your nose even more now that he was so close quickly made you get up and away.
"But I'm not so me being a brat as you said it isn't a problem to me."
He gritted his teeth a little and you could see his face turning red from anger. The continues rejections slowly getting to him.
"You know you want me dear and - "
"Don't call me that and no I don't."
The alphas eyebrows raised up to his hairline.
"And why shouldn't I? Dear?"
His attitude was disgusting and you balled your fist do not punch him square in the jaw.
"Because I'm a . not yours and b. not your dear, so fuck off Bongho -ssi!" you gritted out full well knowing it was going to cause a reaction from him. A muscle in his jaw twitched in anger and he took a step towards you causing you to take 3 back.
You could smell the bitter Scent of fury from him, one that you most likely wore too!
"See you around Bongho- ssi!"
You escaped out of the door and the house, leaving the alpha fuming.
You didn't care.
In the clearing everyone was busy socializing, something you weren't quite in the mood for so you shifted and joined a bunch of betas and omega s cuddling and smothering the tired pups. One of your little siblings, Beomgyu, a mischievous pup with the same colored fur as you, came closer to nip at your tail playfully.
You growled gently, making him understand that he shouldn't over do it.
The pup growled back, body lowered to the ground and instead jumped between your front paws and curl himself together. Amused by your brothers antics you licked over his head, endlessly fond of him making him whine and flop on his back to present his belly to you and fall asleep like that.
You could feel eyes starring at you from across the clearing. Knowing who it was you ignored it and watched the wolfs present dancing around the bonfire. One of them was Soyeon who was giggling at something one of the other packs alphas whisper in her ear and even from the distance you thought you could smell her sweet sent sweetening even more due to arousal.
A yawn escaped your muzzle. Wherever it was due to boredom or being tired you didn't know.
The thought of a certain black alpha came back to your mind and you had to wonder.
Was he save? Was he back home?
The Full Moon celebration came an left and with him did the Choi Pack.
Bongho tried to catch you a couple more times but you successfully managed to avoid him every single time so for now, until the next full moon you were safe again. One thing did however change and that was Soyeon!
The omega had gotten mated and left along with Bongho and his pack. It was the only reason you mourned their departure as you were now left alone...
Things didn't change after that and you went on with your life like usual for about a week when suddenly one day two unfamiliar wolfs appeared with one of the patrols to speak with the pack alpha. At dinner that day your father, as one of the higher ups, started to rant.
"They're the second in command and youngest warrior from the Kim Pack, trying to establish a peace treaty!" He scoffed and your hand found the ring on your necklace at the mention of the other pack.
It seemed foolish but even weeks later, you found yourself thinking about the alpha you had found in the woods, even missing him at times!
Your mother nodded along to your fathers words, agreeing to everything he said.
Angrily, like someone had personally offended him, he let his fist hit the wooden dinner table, causing you to flinch.
"Can you believe that? HA, as if we would ever find an ally in such a weak pack! That head omega of theirs should know his place and give his position up to the second in command! Bud even then they shouldn't exist! An alpha following an omegas orders, what a joke! And that beta boy of theirs..."
You drowned out what he was saying. You already knew what he thought of betas, there was no need to for you to hear the same things over and over again.
"They’re staying until the morning in the old mill and then they're leaving again. None of them would be of use to us either way. "
To say you were curious would be an understatement if your nightly run coincidently led you towards the old mill, then it would be just that. A coincidence ...
Should you be careful? Of course! But you were sure that if San was truly a member of their pack and your father spoke of them like they were nothing, then you didn't have to fear for your life!
And so you found yourself hidden by the shadows of the trees, watching the lit up windows and complementing if you should actually get closer do the mill or not.
You were itching to get closer but how were you supposed to explain yourself?
So you kept sitting there, wind tugging at your fur as it got colder until you heard a low growl land suddenly you found yourself pinned to the ground, claws digging into the dirty underneath you and teeth were loosely clamped around your throat, ready to bide down!
You whined pathetically as you trashed around to free yourself! The growl the rusted brown wolf let out on top of you left you to freeze in your place. You took au whiff of his scent, telling you that this was one of the betas San had spoken of back then!
The door to the mill got ripped open, illuminating the darkness of the night and –
“ Jongho! Get off, now!"
The bigger beta froze to at the alphas calm yet commanding voice. He growled once more, a warning not to do anything stupid, and let up, trotting past the alpha inside.
The tall man rolled his eyes, smiling at the betas behavior before turning back to you.
You hastily jumped up, ready to run should the alpha decide to do something.
"I apologize for my beta. He's just nervous so far away from home. Want to come inside? So we can talk properly?"
With wide eyes, you slowly followed the other beta inside, door closing behind you. Tail still tucked between your hind legs.
The beta, Jongho, had already turned and was eyeing you carefully while you turned back. His eyes immediately fell on the jewelry around your neck and his face changed from guarded to surprised and curious.
"You're y/n! The beta who helped San hyung!"
The alpha too, seemed surprised but caught himself again.
"That was you? San has been talking about it ever since he came back."
"Uhm, yeah that's me. I was just- I wanted - " You stammered, feeling your face grow hotter by the second and not knowing what to say.
“You wanted to know how he's doing?" The alpha helped, voice velvety smooth. The effect he had was undeniable and you instantly felt calmer then just a moment before.
You nodded, "Yeah uhm, that ..."
"I'm Seonghwa by the way. And San is doing fine. He was a little sulky that he wasn't the one allowed to come when he found out where we were going..." Seonghwa teased and Jongho let out a giggle.
"Just a little? Hyung was pouting constantly since he found out! Even Wooyoungie-hyung was getting fed up by it!" the beta barked receiving a scolding look from his alpha friend.
You too found the thought of a huffy San a little amusing and you smiled to yourself.
"Well that was all I came for to be honest. I was a bit worried because he was still healing when I left him so I wasn't sure - "
"Don't worry y/n, Sannie was fine. A little tired but fine."
You nodded, a weigh you didn't know you carried around fell from your shoulders and suddenly you felt a lot lighter. It must have shown on your face because Jongho gave you a gummy smile. Like that the beta looked more like a bear cub then a wolf.
The whole encounter felt incredibly awkward and none of you knew what to say anymore. Again you nodded. "That's good! Good to hear!"
You were more talking to yourself then to them at this point but neither Seonghwa nor Jongho seemed to mind. It felt like both of them knew something you couldn't quite pinpoint and it made you anxious to say the least!
Seonghwa offered you a seat on the worn out couch where Jongho was playing with his hands which you gladly took.
"I see you're still wearing his ring," the tall wolf questioned and sat down on the mismatched armchair that looked like it was close to falling apart if it was moved to much.
You looked down where said ring was dangling on the leather band in front of your chest.
"Yes, I thought he left it there. Does he want it back?" You began to take of the band, but you stopped when the beta next to you put his hands on yours to halt your movement.
"No. Hyung put it there so you could find it, so keep it. Otherwise I think he's going to come here and give it back to you if we were to come back with it!" he explained and you let go of it again.
You were relieved to hear that the jewelry was yours to keep. If you had to give it back, you didn't know how you'd feel! The thought of not having it with you anymore left you feeling more uneasy then it should!
Suddenly all 3 of you looked back at the door where a loud scratching was coming from. Panic almost overwhelmed you as fear crept up on you. 12 was the middle of the night and there was no reason for you or anyone else for that matter to be outside! Never mind visiting a rival pack without anyone knowing about it!
Your heart dropped to your stomach and quickly you jumped up, ready to escape through the backdoor.
The alpha got out of his seat, signaling you to back away, giving you the chance to escape if needed. Jongho too, got up and placed himself in between your shacking form and what or who might be behind the door!
Seonghwa put his finger on his lips, shushing the whimper leaving you effectively before he went to open the door, only opening it a gap wide and placing his body so nobody could look past him.
What he did then almost made your heart stop. He opened the door and-
with a whimper the white fur ball that was Beomgyu rolled in...
"Gyu-ah?! Are you insane? Do you know how late it is? What are you even doing out ." you almost screeched when you recognized your little brother.
The pup huffed and his floppy ears perked up at the scolding he received. The tension left the room entirely when everyone realized that it just a pup that had apparently followed you.
Beomgyu let out what was supposed to be a threatening growl, however it just caused the alpha in the room to coo, Jongho letting out a snort and you to roll your eyes and hurry forward to grab the pup by his scuff and pick him up into your arms.
"Don't look at me like that you rascal. You should be at home, in bed!" you chided, receiving a high pitched bark from your brother.
"I think you should get this little one home now y/n. We'll have to sleep now either way so we can be on our way bright and early tomorrow!" Seonghwa pitched in highly amused by how not sorry the pup in your arms looked.
"Of course! Come you brat, we're going home!" you stammered out and looked back up at the alpha. "Seonghwa -ssi , it was nice to meet you and Jongho -ssi and please say hi to-"
Knowing what you were going to say the alpha nodded.
"We will, don’t worry."
You turned back to the bear looking beta, sending him a grateful smile which here turned and left with Beomgyu.
The run back home was a fast one. Shifted and with a pup dangling from your muzzle, you made sure not to make any detours and go straight home!
"What were you doing in the woods Gyu-ah?" you asked, still a little angry at the pup while you tucked him into bed. Beomgyu pursed his lips.
"I saw you sneaking out again a wanted to come with you!" the brown haired boy stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Flicking his forehead gently you sat down on at his side.
"What you did tonight was dangerous and I never, NEVER! Want you outside alone ever again! Do you understand me Beomgyu?"
Not happy at having been scolded but still agreeing Beomgyu nodded.
"I promise..."
"Good and now sleep puppy!"
A yawn erupted from the boy and you pressed a loving kiss to his forehead before getting up to leave his room.
"Oh and Gyu-ah? This is gonna stay between you and me, understood?"
Beomgyu held up his thumb and you closed the door, leaving your brother to go to sleep.
Bongho sitting on your dining table almost a week before the next full moon was not on your list of things you wished for.
Him, your mother, father and a wide eyed Beomgyu were sitting there like it was a normal Tuesday! Except Beomgyu who looked ready to cry and endlessly guilty...
A bad feeling settled in your stomach and as a way to calm yourself you fiddled around with San's ring. Bongho's spiteful smirk made you want to punch him square in the jaw!
"What is he doing here?" you asked carefully while looking at your mother. She was looking at Bongho like he had hung the freaking moon but once her head turned towards you, her face fell, eyes narrowing and lips thinning out.
"Show some respect y/n! Bongho-ah is a guest after all!" your father tsked seriously.
"Yes dear, show some respect!" Bongho stated, wanting you to know exactly who was in charge of the situation and sadly, that was not you!
A shudder ran down your spine at the pet name.
"My apologies Bongho -ssi." you stated, voice flat and thoroughly unimpressed.
"It is fine. But maybe we should drop the formalities now," the alpha drawled, smug grin stretched out over his face. "After all, we're going to be mated soon... "
WHAT?!
Your jaw almost entirely on the floor, you scrambled to find words but none came to your mind. You looked at your parents hoping that they could help you out but upon seeing their grim expression, you realized that they wouldn't.
"What? No! Absolutely not! Mother? Father?"
"Actually darling, Bongho-ah is correct. He has asked for an arranged mating, offering you a high position within the Choi pack. It is time that you start acting like a proper part of your pack and with the information we recently acquired," your father glanced at Beomgyu who whispered a weak "I'm sorry..." with tears streaming down his red cheeks.
"As I was saying! With those information’s we got, your mother and I have agreed to his proposal. The ceremony will happen in two days time!"
Beomgyu whimpered and you could not blame him! Had you not been so shocked you would have done the same.
"No! You can't just decide that for me!"
"Yes we can do that as it has been custom in this pack for generations! You will mate with this alpha in two days and then leave with him after! It won't be as bad as you think and Soyeon will be there too, so you are not alone..." your mothers voice rang inside your ears and you fell like your world has been flipped upside-down.
Well, in a sense it has and there was nothing you'd like to do more then smack that cocky grin out of Bongho who seemed to get off on who much you were suffering in that moment.
"I am a beta! How is that supposed to work? His alpha won't be satisfied with my status during his ruts and I can't give him any pups!" you tried desperately to reason but all it did was make the alpha huff out a nasty cackle. Beomgyu squirmed in his seat and your mother send him to his room.
"That won't be a problem dear, we'll figure that out once we get to that."
Your stomach turned at the prospect of having to let him touch you in any way, shape or form.
"Mother please don't do this to me! I beg of you! I won't go out anymore, I won't get in trouble but please don't make me do this..."
That night you couldn't sleep! Numb, you sat on your bed, staring at the wall and tightly holding onto your necklace.
What were you supposed to do now? There was no way you would let yourself get sold just like that simply so you wouldn't be anymore trouble to your family! But your parents had made it clear that you didn't have a choice in the matter.
A lone tear slipped from your eyes and you quickly whipped the offending liquid away.
A hesitant knock ripped you from your stupor.
"Yeah?" you sniffled weakly and Beomgyu slipped inside, only to throw himself into your arms sobbing.
“I'm so sorry y/n, I swear I didn't want to tell them! It just slipped out when I was helping mother and I- " the boy sobbed out as he hid his face in the crook of your neck, tightly holding onto your shirt.
You let him cry, not telling him that it was okay because I for once things weren't okay!
"It's not your fault Gyu-ah." you whispered, voice breaking at the end. "You couldn't have known that this would happen."
Beomgyu cried for a long time and at some point you let yourself cry too. The emotions you had suppressed up until now finally breaching the surface! Why was this happening to you? Your life was about to get so much worse and you didn't even want to know what Bongho meant with figuring things out.
"I don't like Bongho-ssi . He's rude!"
That caused a teary laugh to bubble out from you and you gently ruffled Beomgyu's hair.
"I don't like him either." you agreed with him.
The pup pulled back a little to look at your face.
"Do you really have to go with him?"
You nodded once and looked down at your hands. Silence overtook the room.
"Can't your friends help you? The nice alpha and beta from the mill?" he asked unsure if he had said something wrong. You looked back at him, an eyebrow raised not knowing where he was going with this.
Beomgyu was clever, way to clever for his age and sometimes you fell like he was even smarter then he let on.
"What do you mean by that?"
The boy shrugged.
"I don't know... but maybe tomorrow I might wander of to play hide and seek with Yeonjunnie-hyung? Just enough so nobody would notice if someone slipped away from the pack..."
"And where, pray tell oh wise one, would that someone go?"
Beomgyus face fell and he looked like he had just stated the most obvious thing.
"Hide with her friends of course!"
"You mean run away?"
"Maybe..."
He snuggled back into your side, his breathing slowly evening out as he fell asleep.
What he said didn't leave your mind. Was running away really a good idea? And where would you even go if the Kim-pack didn't want to help you? You'd have to go back and still mate with Bongho or live as a lone wolf! Those were your options and neither sounded particularly appealing to you!
But what if they could help you? You'd have to leave your home pack either and both the Kim-pack and living as a lone wolf sounded better then spending the rest of your life with a cocky alpha who thought he was the greatest being to walk upon this earth.
You looked down at the slumbering boy in your arms, knowing that this might be the last time you would spend time with your favorite little brother...
Beomgyu in the end did vanish for about half the day! He didn't leave the village, he didn't even leave the house to be exact! He simply hid in the attic of your home. It was still enough to cause a mass panic, sending everyone out to search for the lost pup. Even Bongho, not without rolling his eyes, helped searching!
And that you used! You had to hurry, scared that someone would know what you were about to do and stop you so you shifted and started running once you slipped out of the village.
You only stopped once you were at the border of the territory, looking back for a moment before you started running again...
You knew that the way was long but you hadn't expected how far the mountains really were once you were trying to reach them! Tired, hungry and disoriented you started smelling the air every once in a while to see if you could recognize any familiar scents... You couldn't and after what felt like the hundredth time you let out what could only be described as an earthshattering howl.
Not knowing how long you were running at this point, it was safe to say that you were lost! Lost in a territory of an unfamiliar pack who could rip you to shreds if they found an unfamiliar beta on their ground. Of course you knew that there were wolfs present, you could after all smell them very well! But there were way to many unfamiliar scents mingling together to pinpoint exactly where you were.
The only thing you knew was that the woods were getting darker and you could see the top of the mountains peeking through the close standing trees, so you had to be close already.
Thirsty and exhausted, you laid down under an old tree to catch your breath, huffing in frustration.
Did your family notice already that you were gone? Most likely!
Your eyes started dropping more and more the longer you laid there until you finally couldn't fight sleep anymore...
You were so deep asleep that you didn't notice the small group of wolfs slowly moving in on you. The patrol had heard the howl of a trespasser not far from where they were checking out a possible prey for the pack and quickly found the trace of ascend not belonging to any of their pack mates!
Loud growling could be heard in the forest and the three wolfs looked between each other, communicating through their eyes only until they could see the white fur of a seemingly unconscious wolf...
The growling stopped at once, once the black alpha recognized the soft scent of green apples and honey and he started to whine lowly, jumping over to where you were gently breathing on the soft moss as he nudged your body ever so gently to see if he could get a reaction.
Nothing.
A soft bark escaped him which sounded almost worried.
His white and grey companions were greatly confused at the sudden change of behavior until the white alpha came closer. He to recognized the fur and scent from just a few weeks before when he and the youngest beta had stayed with your pack and relaxed a little. Only the grey beta did not know what to do with himself causing him to turn back into his human form.
"Okay one of you has to tell me who that is right now!" he screeched and shifted the side, hand propped upon his hip. The sound caused a flick of your ear
The white alpha turned to followed by his black pack mate.
"Well, dear Wooyoungie, it seems y/n has decided to visit us." Seonghwa said white he watched San gently run his fingers over your head scratching lightly behind your ear.
San looked back towards his best friend.
"But why? It's not like she has any reason to just randomly come here..."
Seonghwa looked at San.
"I'm guessing whatever it was, it is not because she wanted to see the mountains."
"Except this one maybe..."
The younger alpha threw a nasty glare towards his best friend who cackled at his reaction.
"She looks exhausted and weaker then last time. We should get her back home so she can rest properly. I'm sure she'll tell us when she's awake again. San would you -?" The oldest said looking at the other alpha.
"Yeah, of course!"
San got up after one last brush through your fur and turned again, towering over your much smaller form.
Wooyoung snickered at the size difference, receiving a slap upside the head from Seonghwa .
"Hyuung!?" he whined but got promptly ignored by the alpha who just smirked to himself.
San in the meanwhile had managed to prop your body up on his back, carefully moving as to not drop and hurt you on accident.
Both the older alpha and beta shifted and started their journey back home where the others were waiting for the patrols return.
It took the group a while but in the end they were greeted by Yeosang, an omega who was able to put even their tallest and strongest alpha on his ass, and Jongho who's eye were almost popping and of his head when he recognized who San was carrying on his back.
“What is y/n doing here?" he asked loudly, not even waiting for the three wolfs to turn back and answer.
San ignored them and instead trotted straight to his cabin where he put you down in front of the fireplace.
Outside Yeosang harshly elbowed Jongho to make him look at him.
"Y/n?" he whispered a giant question mark on his face. Jongho shrugged not knowing what to say.
Seonghwa turned and vanished inside the cabin he shared with his own mate to explain what happened to his head omega.
San, back to being human, saw to it that the fire burned hot, heating up the living room. He sat down at your side, checking you for any possible injuries. When he couldn't find any, he let out a relieved sigh.
The alpha carefully watched how your body moved as you slowly breathed in and out and a sense of Deja vu overcame him, only that this time it was him who was taking care of you.
"I don't know what you went through that made come all the way here, but I promise that you're safe with me..." he whispered into the silence of the room and his hand carefully brushed over your fur.
A deep breath followed by a high pitched whine left you and to San it seemed as if you relaxed the slightest bit more at his gentle ministrations.
"She seems to know that too."
San's head whipped around to look at the omega now standing in his living room.
"Hongjoong-hyung! Did Hwa-hyung already tell you what happened?"
"He did don't worry! I just wanted to see how our newcomer was doing!"
Hongjoong waddled over to sit on the couch, caressing his protruding stomach with so much love San was almost jealous.
"Still asleep but not hurt. I already checked." the younger explained quietly.
"That's good. And how are you?"
Again San turned to look at the omega, this time looking utterly bewildered.
"What do you mean hyung?"
Hongjoong gazed down at the forlorn looking alpha.
" Sannie... I have watched you sulk and pout ever since you got back here and ever since then all you were talking about was this beta girl, smelling like apples and honey, caring for an alpha she didn't know simply out of the kindness of her heart... Don't think I haven't heard of your quarrel with my mate just so you could see her again." He chuckled and San frowned at having been read so easily.
"You care for her San and she seems to like you enough to search for safety with you from whatever she is running from."
There was nothing else to say. San didn't want to make himself believe in things that could very well just be wish full thinking. What his head omega had said was true. The first thing he had done once he had arrived back home was tell his best friend of the pretty wolf who had made sure that he didn't succumb to his wounds only to hunt for him and make sure that he had what he needed to get better.
He himself had already given up! He had felt himself becoming weaker, the life draining out of him and the cold of the night making his bones feel agonizingly heavy. And then you had appeared!
At first he had thought the moon goddess had come down from her place in the sky take him from this world. God had he felt silly once his head was clear enough to think straight again! And then you had draped yourself around, keeping him warm and alive.
Like a ghost you had appeared and like a ghost you had vanished again, leaving his alpha howling inside, begging him to go after you and take you away from the life you so obviously dreaded...
The night came and went and not once has the alpha left your side. He had laid down on the couch when the moon had started to rise, keeping himself awake in case you were to wake up but you hadn't stirred once. The only sign of you being alive was the steady rhythm of your torso rising with every breath you took, the twitching of an ear every now and then and the subtle whine as if you were in pain.
His eyes were fluttering, heavy with sleep while his head was resting on a worn out pillow, body covered by a blanket to keep him warm when suddenly, in the early morning hours , you startled awake so heavily that San thought you might topple right into the fireplace if you weren't careful.
He stayed where he was not wanting to scare you away.
"Hey..."
With wide eyes you stared at him not moving an inch at first.
"It's okay y/n, it's just me dear. It's San!"
Sniffing the air you keened at the familiar scent of peppermint, soap and ash, stretching to nuzzle the hand San was holding out for you to smell. Your beta was yipping happily at the prospect of having the alpha close again.
"That's good, just like that! Can you turn back for me my dear? So we can talk?" he cooed and where there was a white wolf there was now you, seemingly dazed but ever so beautiful in his eyes. Your e/c eyes were a bit blurry and you blinked once, twice to focus them on the person in front of you smiling brightly at you.
"San I- How did I-“ you stammered out shivering as the fire had long since gone out and your fur wasn't keeping you warm anymore.
Quickly San wrapped the blanket he had used around your shoulders, kneeling down in front of you.
He dared to trail his fingers gently down the side of your face causing you to lean into the soft touch.
"Seonghwa-hyung, Wooyoungie and I heard you howl while on patrol and found you close to our border. You didn't wake up once since we found you. Had me worried for a moment my dear."
Eyes flickering down to where he spotted the familiar engraving he had once worn around his own finger now dangling in front of your chest, in front of your heart!
So Jongho had told the truth...
"That wasn't my intention. I'm sorry about that." You murmured, the last part almost completely silent as you peered down at your hands holding on tightly onto the blanket.
"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. Just know that whatever the reason for your visit is, your safe here for as long as you need to."
The alpha tried catch your eyes but you refused to look at him so he took it upon himself to reach for one of your hands, linking your finger with each other. It seemed almost funny how well they fit together as if they were two puzzle pieces finally reunited!
"What if it's not just for a visit?" you whispered, looking him dead in the eyes and what San saw scared him almost as much as when he feared for his life not to long ago. Behind those magnifying e/c eyes laid so many emotions San couldn't name half of them even if he tried. Sorrow, bitterness, disgust and shame were almost screaming at him, hiding something he didn't dare name!
"Then you are welcome to join our pack!"
The sudden appearance of Seonghwa startled you just as much as it did san and you grabbed onto the alpha still kneeling in front of you for comfort.
"Seonghwa-ssi! I- "
The tall alpha stepped closer, joining you and San in front of the fireplace. His eyes fell on your linked fingers and a knowing smile grazed his lips.
“It is good to see you awake but I must say y/n, I prefer a less dramatic entrances a lot more." he teased cheerfully. It pulled a weak chuckle out of you and Seonghwa saw it as a win.
"Hyuung..." San groaned exasperated at the lighthearted jab.
"I'll do my best to make it less dramatic next time."
"We'll see about that but maybe we should eat something before it comes to that. Joongie wants you two at our house for dinner, I was merely coming to see if you were up for that!"
The question received an answer not by you, but made by your growling stomach. Heat rose to your face, ears and neck at the noise and you hid your face in San's chest, leaning your forehead gentle against his torso in embarrassment.
"I'm guessing that answers my question! San when you two are ready, come over. And don't keep Joongie waiting, he's not exactly the most patient at the moment..."
With that Seonghwa gets up and leaves you both behind. You pulled back a little realizing in what position you had found yourself in when you found your face merely an inch away from his face. You could feel Sans breath fanning across your skin, leaving behind a pleasant warmth where it had met you and an almost purring beta inside of you.
"Hi"
"Hey." you breathed out.
"Do you want to wash up first? I think I have some clothing from my sister still lying around somewhere..."
You agreed easily and let San help you get up from the floor to show you his bedroom. For the first time you actually looked around the cabin, taking everything in. San's home was by far smaller then your own had been, seeing as there were far less people living there, but it was comfy and much homier then your own.
The lonely plush doll on his bed, waiting to be cuddeled, made it all the more endearing. Made San much more endearing if even possible!
Going through his closed to see if he could find what he was looking for, you could hear the little happy noises he let out and it almost looked like he was doing a little wiggle with his head.
How was this soft, kind man the same scary wolf you had seen in the woods?
To say dinner was nerve wrecking was an understatement!
Listening to what you had to say made all three men want to kill someone. Hongjoong because the omega had already accepted you as extended part of his pack the moment San had started raving on and on about amazing he thought you were, his current more emotional and hormonal state certainly not helping! Seonghwa because he had liked you when he realized that you had essentially gotten yourself into danger simply for wanting to know how his pack member was doing and San...
Well San was ready to rip into any potential mate you could possibly have, the circumstances of your planned forced mating just adding to the fire burning inside of you!
Tears were steadily falling but not once did your voice waver in your explanation and San and the heads of his pack marveled at the strength you showed them. It was like you had long accepted your fate and were now looking to make the best out of it. And it did not stop the young alpha from reaching out to take your hand into his underneath the table, neither did it stop you from holding onto it tightly!
It was decided that you would stay with San for the time being. That way you had someone you knew with you and Hongjoong could be sure that you didn't have anything planned that could potentially compromise his pack! He was pregnant, not a fool!
And just because he accepted you so willingly didn't mean that you had 100% of his trust right away. There was also the possibility of Bongho and the Choi-pack wanting to claim what was promised by your parents, but nothing ever came. The fear of it however still caused quite a few sleepless nights for you and for the alpha slowly but surely falling for you. More then once had San hurried from his sleeping place on the couch into bedroom where you had woken up drenched in sweat to offer comfort. It always ended with you cuddled up to the alpha I forging a bond between you like nothing either of them had ever felt.
Often times the others teased you and San, especially Wooyoung and Mingi which always ended with their mates Yeosang and Yunho scolding them like they were some unruly pups!
Your daily life didn't change that much. You still did the same chores around the house but it was different. Less forced and with much more freedom to do and learn what you wanted! Not that San liked knowing that you were going on runs into the forest while being alone and it became somewhat of a bonding experience when you were both running and playing together, rolling around with so much energy the pregnant head omega was often jealous of only to end the night with satisfied huffs and sighs while gently grooming the other.
It was freeing, to be able to breath without any one judging you for what you were!
Yeosang had taken to teach you about plants and what they could be used for. Jongho, remembering how easily he had taken you down back when they first met, had insisted on you learning the basics of defending yourself, as a wolf and human. You had quickly insisted on just being surprised. That had not been the case as you were quickly proven wrong by him on Yunho, Mingis alpha mate!
San had been livid when he witnessed how Yunho had you pinned to your back, squirming under him to free yourself. It had taken quite some groveling from Yunho for San to forgive him...
"Sannie... stop worrying and look at me!"
You only received a glare from the alpha which you returned with an unimpressed stare, eyebrow raised and arms crossed in front of your chest.
“He could have hurt you!" the alpha growled, walking up and down your shared living room.
“But he didn't. He was demonstrating something!"
"Well it fucking didn't look like it!" San huffed.
He took a deep breath to calm himself before turning to face you.
"He didn't, hurt me San! He was just showing something to make sure I knew what I should do if I ever were to be in a situation like that..."
Slow but without hesitation you took a step forward, letting your arms drop.
The aggravated alpha was still fuming on the inside. He didn't like the thought of you ever in a situation where he wasn't there to prevent it and seeing Yunho on top of you sparked something inside him he didn't quite know how to handle.
"But you won't ever be in a situation like that!"
"You can't know that!"
"Yes I can y/n! Because I won't let it come to that! There will never be a situation anymore where I will not be ready to defend you from anyone who might pose a threat to the pack, a threat to you! And if I have to lay down my life to ensure that, I WILL do so, so yes I can know that!"
During his monologue, San took more and more steps towards you until he was standing nose to nose with you, air charged with something electric!
"Again, you can't, know that!" you pressed out not backing down.
"Y/n!"
"San!"
Your heart skipped for a few beats and there was a moment where all you did was stare at each other in silence. San released as slow breath, his hands finding their way to cup your face, thumb tracing over the skin of your cheeks in slow motions.
"It was just training..." you whispered, breath knocked out of your lungs as you stared into his deep brown eyes. Your hands holding on tightly to the front of his shirt.
"But you- "
"Just. Training. Sannie..."
"My dear I-"
The harsh press of your lips to his effectively shut him up. With wide eyes he stood there, frozen and not knowing how to handle the situation! Your lips felt soft on his l and the moment was over as quickly as it had come.
San stammered unintelligently around.
"I Love you, you idiot. And you won't get rid of me as easily as you might think!" you mumbled never breaking his gaze.
"Good." he hummed and kissed you again.
One of many more to come...
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pyramid-of-starrs · 4 months
Note
More clingy/possessive/obsessive san x Black reader those make me go feral ! LOL
PTA Parent: Celebrating 300 Followers!
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Daddy San x Mommy Fem reader
Summary: You and San are married with a beautiful Daughter, sometimes you both can get busy in your day-to-day life and with a clingy husband like San it can absolutely get annoying.
Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, Parent AU
Warnings: Acts of possessiveness, some toxic behavior from San, pushy man, mentions of killing (no one dies), adultery??
Smut warnings: Spanking, crying, vaginal sex, oral (F receiving), unprotected sex, mentions of impregnation, let me know if I missed anything!
A/N: I'm kinda unsure about how I feel about this story so please let me know what you think in the comments! Also there might be hella typos lol
Minors dni
"Breakfast is ready." You said as you finished setting up the table still in your robe and pjs, the sounds of two sets of foot steps heading your way could be heard, one belonging to your 6 year old daughter Anya and the other belonging to your husband San. They both enter the kitchen after San finished getting Anya dressed and doing her hair in two curly puffs. The little girl runs over to her seat at the end of the table where she waits for her daddy to pull out her chair and push it back in, then San walks over to give you a kiss on the cheek before heading to the other end of the table and they both thank you for the meal.
"Mommy look at my hair! Daddy did it by himself this time and it barely hurt." Anya said as she moved her head back and forth to show off her new hairstyle.
"Wooow so pretty, daddy did a good job! Even better than me." You exaggerated to make your child and husband feel better.
"No! He'll never be as good as Mommy! He is too rough with his hands!" She protested while you giggled.
"Heeey, Daddy is really good with his hands, if I wasn't you probably wouldn't be here." San said while continuing to eat, you kicked him under the table for his joke, once everyone finished eating you cleared the table while San got ready to take your daughter to school then he was heading to work. While on the way out you hugged Anya and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"Have a good day Honey, Mommy loves you."
"I love you more Mommy!" Anya said back while hugging you.
"No, I love you more." You playfully said back.
"Well I love mommy the absolute mostest in the world!" she excitedly said, San pouted a bit.
"What about Daddy Anya? Don't you love Daddy too?"
"Not as much as mommy! I love Mommy more than anyone."
"Not more than me! I love her way more!" San said as he pulled you up from your child to kiss you, Anya's little fist started to hit her father's leg.
"Get off my mommy!" She yelled.
"She was my mommy first!" He argued back.
"San!" You hit him on the shoulder, this was a pretty normal occurrence, San has always been clingy even before you two started dating, he moved fast throughout the relationship and immediately expressed his interest in marrying you and making a family, little did you know you two would just end up making a mini San that is just as obsessed with you.
"Since I'm off early tonight and Anya is going home with her friend from class maybe we could go out to dinner." He said as he held your waist.
"Baby I would love to but you know I go to PTA on Friday nights." You replied as San's signature pouty lip returned.
"You can't miss this one? I've been working like crazy and I miss you so much, we haven't had a "play date" since Monday." San replied, your face heated up a bit since play dates were the code you used for sex, though he was right, you would be lying if you said you didn't also miss being with your husband intimately. Your sex drive was fairly normal and technically so was San's but it wasn't about the need to cum for him, it was about the need to feel you in a way that no one else can, feeling you wrapped around him while he listened to your beautiful moans and whimpers with your nails making artwork on his back made him crazy, getting to see your beautiful bare brown skin was pure bliss for him. Though it was a beautiful and raw moment for San it was something a bit different for you, Sans obsession with you and your body tends to make him a little crazy in the bedroom, it's almost like cuteness aggression, except instead of wanting to squeeze you San wants to fuck you until you can't walk, think or see straight. The day that you two got married he fucked you all night and made you two almost miss your flight to your honeymoon.
"I-I know but I can't miss this meeting, the person I'm partnered with needs me for the school bake sale prep." he gazed into your eyes hoping that you would change your mind but as much as he wanted you all to himself he just had to be okay with that not being realistic.
"Fine, I guess it can't be helped then, Anya why don't you run upstairs and grab the mini shiber plush I gave you so you can have someone to sleep with tonight at your friend's house." San said looking down at his daughter.
"Good idea Daddy!" the little girl cutely ran up the stairs to get her toy, though it seemed like an innocent suggestion it was just San's way of getting you alone for two seconds because as soon as your daughter was out of the room San kissed you hard with vigor and emotion, inserting his tongue in your mouth to swirl it around yours. All you could do is submit and whimper while you felt your core heat up, he managed to pin you against the door as he gripped your ass and placed his other hand against the door next to your head, when he pulled back from the kiss a string of spit followed his lips that connected yours
He leaned down to whisper into your ear. "I'm off tomorrow and Anya will be at her friend's still so expect to not get anything done and clear your schedule okay? " He stared directly into your eyes and soul with nothing but pure lust, San can't go too long without fucking you, it makes him unwell, you nodded your head to agree. "Use your words."
"Y-yes San." you said softly.
"Good girl." He said pecking your lips one more time before Anya re-entered the room with her plushie in hand. "Alright let's go Anny! Tell mommy bye."
"Bye Mommy!" They both said in sync as they left, you were still in disarray. Why did it just feel like you signed your soul to the devil?
...
Later that night you were sitting at your PTA meeting as San blew up your phone with messages of him telling you he missed you and all the unspeakable things he wanted to do to you. You sat at the table just watching the messages roll in, your breathing becoming shorter as you anticipated the things your husband had in store for you.
"Y/N? Did you hear me?" A voice snapped you out of your thoughts.
"Huh? Oh no sorry could you repeat that?" you said back to the person, the person being one of the other parents on the PTA, Kyle, he was the father of one of the girls in Anya's class that she was close with. He was recently divorced and splitting custody with his ex-wife, his daughter lived with his ex which is where Anya was having a sleepover at, you and San only ever interacted with the mom so meeting Kyle now was a bit random. He knew that the kids were close and that's why he asked to partner up with you for the bake sale project, at least that's what you assumed.
"Everything alright Y/N? You kinda left Earth for a second." He asked.
"Yeah, my husband is just freaking out about what he should have for dinner." Technically that wasn't a lie but San's dilemma was more so about the fact that he couldn't have you for dinner but Kyle didn't need to know that.
"Yeah sounds about right for us guys haha, anyways I asked if it was okay if I came over tomorrow night so we could get the baking for Sunday done? Then I can take everything in my car and drop it off since we don't have to be there." He suggested.
"That actually sounds like a good plan, my husband wanted to hang out tomorrow but I can cancel on him." you said while smiling at him.
"Cancelling for little ol me, oh I'm charmed." You both laughed, Kyle was a sweet guy but the rumor around school was that he was a cheater which is why his ex left him but he was so nice could that really be true?
...
"What!" San yelled while drying dishes in his little apron and dish gloves like he was a housewife.
"I'm sorry baby I know that you wanted me to yourself tomorrow but I really have to get the sweets done for the bake sale on Sunday." You said as you stood next to him in your nightgown, you had come home, ate dinner, and immediately got in the shower so you could get ready for tomorrow.
"This isn't fair Y/N! I have needs too, I haven't been inside you in almost a damn week, how do you expect me to live like this!" He dramatically pouted.
"Stop being dramatic San." You said folding your arms.
"I just... miss you, I work all day and by the time I come home we are both too tired to do anything besides cuddling which I love but... I miss connecting with you on that level, I know you have a lot going on but I can't help but feel this way..." He said as he took off his gloves and turned the sink off. You felt for San, you missed him too, especially in an intimate way and you had to give it to him he has really matured from when you first started dating because old San wouldn't have cared and would fuck you until you were too tired to do the bake sale.
"Aww baby I miss you too." You said as you cupped both sides of his sharp jaw, his hand held yours as his thumb rubbed the back of your hand and you both looked into each other's eyes. "I just have to do this one thing tomorrow then I'm all yours okay?" you pecked his still pouted lip.
"Okay, I love you." He said giving you a smirk to make sure you didn't worry about him.
"I love you more, let's go to bed, I have to get up early to go shopping."
You both went to bed too tired to do much of anything but San snuggled his face into your chest as you both drifted off to sleep. By the morning time you had left for the store to buy everything you needed for the bake sale. When you finally made it back home in the late afternoon, you texted Kyle your address and San was already gone, probably to spend the evening with his friends since he wanted to give you your space. Kyle arrived about an hour later, which was enough time for you to prep everything needed and start on the first batch of sweets. You walked to the front door to let him in.
"Hey, come in, glad you made it safe!" you smiled while stepping to the side to let him in.
"Hey, can't believe our kids have been friends this long and this is the first time I've been here, lovely home you got here Y/N." He said as he walked deeper into the house following you to the kitchen.
"Oh the credit isn't just mine my husband planned the renovations and I just decorated and furnished it."
"Well, the woman is who makes the home." He said winking at you.
That was kinda weird but whatever" you thought to yourself.
"Well I finished the first back and they are cooled down you wanna start boxing everything?"
“Sure thing” You and Kyle got to work baking and boxing, you didn’t even notice the time flying by until you looked up to see it was dark outside. You looked at your Apple Watch to see it was 8:36 pm you wondered for a moment where San was but then the cookie timer went off.
A cup slams down on the bar, shaking the remaining ice in it. “Another Jack and Coke please.” San asked the bartender.
“2 drinks in one night buddy? Something going on?” Wooyoung asked as he drank his beer.
“I miss my fucking wife Woo.” A red San replied as he received his next drink.
“Did she go somewhere? What happened to your weekend you had planned to-“
“Planned to fuck her brains out and romance her while my sweet princess was away? Unfortunately that won't be happening because of this dumb school bake sale she's doing for the PTA. Now I only get one day with her." San said as he dramatically dropped his head on the bar.
"Oh yeah I think my husband mentioned that to me, at least you've got tomorrow." Wooyoung said as he rubbed San's back to cheer him up, then San's phone rang, the name "Mrs. Choi" with lots of hearts and a photo of you and Anya flashed on his screen, he immediately answered.
"Hi my love, I miss you, need me to come home and eat-"
"Don't even finish that sentence San, I'm calling because I was letting you know that I'm probably going to have to go to the bake sale tomorrow." You said, San's face dropping.
"I thought you were only baking for the bake sale, isn't the volunteering covered for tomorrow?" San asked.
"Yeah that was originally the plan but Kyle thinks that I should come to help out just in case someone has questions about the sweets or-"
"Who is Kyle?" San questioned.
"Oh, He's Sana's ex-husband, you know Anya is their daughter's best friend, you probably never met since you both work so heavily." You replied.
"You're baking cookies with another man in my house Y/N?"
"Um- first of all this is our house." You replied somewhat taken aback by San's tone.
"I don't give a damn about that right now Y/N, my wife, baking with another man in my kitchen, in my house and now he's taking another one of My days with you?" You could hear San somewhat spiraling.
"Why do you keep saying my like-"
"Like what Y/N?? I keep saying my because it's true. The house is mine, the kitchen is mine, the stove you're using is mine, YOU ARE MINE!" He yelled at the end as he slammed his fist on the bar startling everyone in the vicinity.
"I'm not your fucking property San! I thought you grew out of this possessive thing!" You yelled back.
"I'll never grow out of thinking you belong to me and only me Y/N stop fucking playing with me." the sternness in his voice was sharp.
"Boy, who the fuck do you- you know what, whatever San, I'm glad Kyle asked me to come tomorrow, I'd rather spend tomorrow with him and everyone else than with you right now! And when you come home sleep on the damn couch." Before he could respond you ended the call, leaving San's eye to twitch, the argument combined with the lack of quality time was enough to send San into a coma but you saying you'd rather spend time with another man than him made him see red, he only came back down to earth when Wooyoung's hand landed on his shoulder.
"Calm down buddy, come back to earth." San took a few deep breaths and ran his finger through his hair while he groaned.
"I'm going crazy Woo." San said taking another drink from his cup.
"I don't want to contribute to it buuut, I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't tell you." Wooyoung said, San looked over at him confused.
"Tell me what?"
"Well, that guy, Kyle? On the PTA? He was married to Sana who's my husband's best friend so naturally he knows the details of their divorce and my husband told me everything..."
"Okay?"
"Okay so... Kyle was a cheater, like big time, but he is specifically known as a PTA home wrecker, he's slept with most of the moms on the PTA." Wooyoung and San's eyes met.
"What the hell are you saying Wooyoung?" San said with all seriousness immediately sobering up.
"I'm saying you need to get home before a serial wife fucker makes a move on your wife." Wooyoung finished his beer. "Go, I'll pay." San didn't waste any more time and left the bar.
....
You hung up from San knowing that the conversation went south but honestly, who does he think he is talking to you like that?
"Everything alright? Didn't mean to overhear the ending of that..." Kyle said walking back into the house from loading the baked goods into his car.
"Sorry about that... Yes, everything is fine just-"
"Marital problems? Trust me, I get it. I am flattered you said you would rather spend time with me..." He cleared his throat, coming off a bit shy. "and everyone else of course."
You chuckled at his shy response. "Yeah my husband's just being a brat is all, it's just been a while since me and him have spent time together so he's going crazy." You may have been oversharing but eh, so what.
"You know Y/N if you want someone to talk about it with I have some wine in the car I picked up on the way over." You shrugged your shoulders why not indulge him.
"Don't worry, I have a bottle in the fridge that's already open I'll get us some glasses." You walked over to the kitchen to grab glasses and then to pour you two a glass. Kyle followed you into the kitchen and smiled watching you pour the glasses then took the one you offered to him.
"To the bake sale." he said as you two clinked your glasses together then drank. "How long have you and your husband been married Y/N?" he asked.
"7 years, we got married then had Anya immediately after, my husband is very persistent about spending a lot of time with me, and around the time Anya was born he started his job so he rarely gets to spend a lot of time with us so I know it takes a toll on him." You said sipping more from your glass.
"I see, so he's a bit clingy then?"
A bit is putting it nicely, San is so clingy he got upset that he couldn't go to your bachelorette party and threw a tantrum. "Yeah you could say that, how long were you married ?" You asked.
"12 years, we were happy until we weren't anymore, then we only took care of our daughter together until we decided to call it quits after a fuck up on my end." He said as he swirled the wine in his glass.
"A fuck up?" you asked.
"Yeah, a fuck up, but I've learned from my mistakes, the next woman I'll cherish her, giving her my time and love from head to toe." He said as he sat the glass on the counter.
"You could have done that with your wife." You thought to yourself. "Well, I hope you find her soon." You half-heartedly smiled, he absolutely cheated and when you were done being mad at San you couldn't wait to tell him, you told him all your little PTA tea as if he cared, he just liked hearing you ramble.
"You know Y/N, I think I did find her." He said looking at you. "I need a woman that's attentive, who cares, who doesn't put her career over me, who isn't going to complain when I'm late for dinner, whole love me and my fault." He said as he stepped a bit closer to you.
"You did? A-and who might that be? She sounds like a catch!" You asked as you noticed him getting closer.
"You Y/N, I need a woman like you." He continued to step to you as you backed up.
"Oh- no, no you don't-"
"Yes, I do, a woman as gorgeous and understanding and caring as you are. You even said yourself that you would rather spend time with me." He backed you into a wall.
"Dude what? I was just talking shit, I'm married and happily at that." you looked at him with disgust.
"Marriage shouldn't stop you from finding your soulmate Y/N. Let me give you what he can't, let me give you what you need." he said as he grabbed your shoulders.
"And what does she need?" Kyle started to lean in then stopped when he heard the voice in the distance, he looked back and you looked over Kyle's shoulder to see your husband standing calmly however you could tell he was pissed. "Kyle right? I'm San, Y/Ns husband, now tell me what do you think my wife needs? Because I am in charge of handling all her needs and wants." Sans slit eyes stared directly into Kyle's eyes.
"I, uh" Kyle said stumbling over his words.
"Why don't you take your hands off my wife and get the fuck out of my house." The air was intense, Kyle released you from his grip and then cleared his throat again.
"I-I guess I need to head out then Y/N." You both awkwardly looked at each other then he walked toward the front door after hesitantly passing San.
"By the way Kyle, my wife won't be there tomorrow, she'll be preoccupied." San added before Kyle left the house, San followed him to the door. "And stay the fuck away from my wife." he said slamming the door and then locking it. San slowly walked over to you, for some reason you felt nervous, scared even, he didn't say a word but picked you up by the legs and threw you over his shoulders.
"S-San what are you doing? Put me down!" You squirmed in his arms as he walked up the stairs. He was not phased by your attempts to get out of his grasp but you still fought him. You had to stay mad at him for being kind of a jerk over the phone but damn it was hot how he just kicked Kyle out of the house. San reached your shared bedroom and dropped you on the bed, he stood there looking over your body.
"Strip." was all he said, you wanted to protest more but his tone was so demanding and assertive you had to listen, you sat up on your knees and removed your long bodycon maxi dress that had splotches of flour and chocolate from the baking, you were left on the bed wearing a lace black bra and panty set, his sharp eyes scanned over your body, it made you shy so you covered yourself with your arms.
"Don't be shy now baby, you sure weren't shy when you were telling me you weren't mine on the phone." San said.
"I didn't say I wasn't!" You argued.
San got closer then reached down to grab your chin and point your face up to him.
"Did I say to speak my love?" his voice was very dry and stern, he was serious, over the years San had agreed to get his clingy and possessive ways under control and keep his antics down to a minimum, however everyone has a breaking point. Addiction for some people was hard, going without something caused withdrawals and San was going through withdrawals after not touching you for almost a week. Tuesday he was good, no complaints or anything but he definitely needed you tomorrow. Wednesday he spent his break at work locking his office door to fuck his hand while he was on the phone with you while you talked about your day, but that wasn't enough. Thursday he thought about the many ways he was going to have you while he worked out at the gym, he was excited to get off early tomorrow so he could spend the day fucking you. Friday when you left for PTA he laid in bed aimlessly staring at the ceiling, the smell of you started to engulf him he closed his eyes and bit his lips thinking of how bad he needed to feel you, to hold you, to hear your cries of pleasure, he wanted you more than anything, then his eyes opened and he realized he was holding on of your pillows while thrusting into it. Saturday after another disappointment and him waking up to his face no longer comfortably nuzzled into your bosom he was just upset, to hell with the PTA at this point, usually he at least had a filter for his obsession with you, your adorable daughter Anya but with her being away for the weekend he couldn't do much, he even tried to call to get Anya from her friends and she said "No daddy I'm having fun." San wanted to snap and say he didn't care and go get her anyway but he vowed to not let his ways affect his precious baby girl.
Instead he spent the day with his best friend trying his best not to be anxious or angry but Wooyoung could always read him like a book. He could see the anger seething from San, the frustration and when he told San about Kyle he got nervous, San wouldn't kill him right? Wooyoung sent a prayer and moved on. When San arrived at the house he wondered if he should go in guns blazing and utilize all his pent-up frustration to teach a low life like Kyle a lesson but he didn't want you to see him like that. When he walked in to see Kyle's hands on what was his and to hear him saying he wanted to give you "What you need" oh San was not happy, not at all.
Now here you were sitting over San's lap while he spanked you, one smack after the other hitting harder than the last.
"Who do you belong to Y/N?" San said landing another strike on your ass, tears streamed down your face while you wore a dazed look on your face.
"You San, please." Your voice was hoarse from the yelping every time he would hit you again.
"Please what my love?" He asked halting his next strike.
"No more San, I can't... I can't take it."
"Yes my darling, I'm sorry if I went to far." San said as he helped you up then laid you on the bed, he wiped the tear sitting at the corner of your eye. "I just need people to know that you belong to me and only me, obviously the ring on your finger isn't enough." San started to kiss from your neck down the length of your body, he had already covered you in love bites and hickeys, you remember telling him "Black people can't get hickeys" and damn did he prove you wrong over the years. His lips reached your thighs, he wasted no time removing your panties then kissing around your slick-covered pussy.
"I need you and everyone else to understand that you are mine and only mine, only I can fill your needs." San said as lips peppered teasing kisses on your core.
"Of course I know that Saaah~" Your sentence was interrupted by his sudden attachment to your clit, he started to suck passionately like he wanted to hear you struggle.
"Do you though darling?"
"Yesss, fuck, yes!" You moaned out while your hands ran through his hair.
"I don't think you do, why were you willing to spend so much time with someone else then?" He held your slit in his mouth while flicking it with his tongue, you tried to squirm away but he held your thighs tightly.
"I told you nghh~ it was for the PTA-"
"I don't give a fuck about that damn PTA Y/N!" he slid his two fingers into your already pulsing hole, he started slow for a second then immediately started to finger fuck you faster, more pleading whimpers fell from your lips as you tried to close your legs.
"Fuck I'm going to cum San !" you yelled out, his pace never slowed down while he licked stripes up your clit while alternating between licking and sucking it.
"Cum for me my love, cover me in all of you." Almost like it was on command you came on San's face, your slick oozed down his chin while he continued to eat you out through your orgasm, however even when your body stopped spasming he didn't stop. You yelled out while trying to push his head away but he wouldn't move, the over-stimulation started to sting with the pleasure.
"San please." You cried out.
"All mine, I needed this so bad baby." He finally removed his face from your core to plant a sloppy kiss on your lips, you could taste yourself on his lips and tongue as he swirled his tongue into your mouth. The sloppy exchange caused your cum to smear onto your face as well when he pulled back, he licked the remaining cum off your face. "You taste so good my love, my wife, I'm so glad you're all mine." you could hear the desperation in his voice.
"I'm... I'm sorry San." You said looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry for what I said and I'm sorry for not prioritizing our time together."  the cutest little smile showed on his face before he pecked your lips once again.
"I just... I know you have a life Y/N but I can't help but feel like I need you." you pulled him down to kiss him, the kiss lingered a bit.
"I need you too Sannie, please take me, I feel so dirty knowing that man touched me."
"Yes my love, I'll make sure a low life like him never gets the chance to touch you again, I'll love you in my love so they know you only belong to me." San removed his clothes then climbed back on top of you and took off your bra. He bit his lips as he hovered over your naked form, he needed to take you now, he couldn't wait anymore. He pulled you down a bit more then turned you on your side, he put each of his legs on the side of your thigh that was on the bed while he held your other leg up with his thigh, the position looked a lot like scissoring? It confused you a bit as you never tried this position but before you could question him San slid his thick cock into your pleading walls making you moan softly for him. He sank deeper and deeper into you until you realized this was deeper than he normally could reach in missionary, you immediately felt the need to yell a string of curse words as you felt him in your gut.
When he heard your cry and watched your eyes roll he smirked watching you struggle, he slowly moved his hips back out then at a teasing rate pushed back into you, he repeated this motion a few times, watching you fidget and not knowing how to take him like you two hadn't fucked a million times. He pressed his hand on your lower stomach causing even more pleasure. "Do you feel me right here baby? Deep in your stomach?" you couldn't even properly respond as you whimpered at the feeling, it wasn't uncomfortable or painful, you just felt so stuffed full.
"San- Sannie, you're so deep." You huffed out as he sped up his pace a bit, his hips moving in a steady driving motion, you already started to feel dizzy from the pleasure, drunk off of your husband's dick going in and out of your sensitive cunt.
"I'm the only person who can be this deep inside of you, right baby?" He asked.
"Yeeess-" you answered but then you noticed San gradually picking up his pace more.
"Only me, only I can fuck you like this, only I can fuck you this deep." You realized he was going on a tangent, losing himself in the moment while his hips never stopped, he let your leg fall on his shoulders while he grabbed both sides of you and fucked you deeper and faster. "Mine, mine, all mine, only for me, this pussy can only be fucked by me, he doesn't have what you need, only I can give you what you need." San started to drive into you faster, your mouth was wide open but no sound was being pushed out while your eyes were fully in the back of your head, the ecstasy of how San was fucking was amazing enough but you had to admit there was a guilty pleasure behind his words of him claiming you like his territory.
As San continued to fuck you like his own personal fuck toy you started to feel your orgasm rushing forward, your walls contracting around his length causing him to drop his head back as the beads of sweat fell from his forehead and he groaned. "Sannie I'm about to cum again please, hold me." San looked at you as you twisted your body a bit to stretch your arms out to embrace him. He quickly pulled out to reposition you in missionary then put himself back inside of you. He leaned down to welcome your embrace while his hips bucked into you quickly.
You cupped San's face and looked him in his blown out eyes. "I love you so much San, I'm yours forever, and only yours." you said between trying to stay sane as he fucked you.
"Forever baby, only mine, I love you." connected your lips as you both tried to kiss wholesomely but with the pace of him fucking you and your moans going directly into his mouth it just turned sloppy. The kiss with San driving into you made you wrap your legs around him while he started to cum deep inside you, the rush of his hot cum sending you into a frenzy as your orgasm followed shortly after. San removed his lips from yours and held his still-leaking cock inside you, he looked at your fucked out face and pecked your lips a few times.
"I'm sorry if I lost myself for a bit Y/N" San said as he slowly dropped his body to lie on top of you. You smiled at him then peppered his sweaty face with kisses.
"It's okay Sannie, I love it when you tell me I'm yours." You smiled at each other again and decided it was time to get cleaned up and go to bed after a long night.
...
The next morning was peaceful, Anya had returned from her friend's house and sat in her daddy's lap as he forced her to watch anime with him, Anya grew to love it after a few sessions.
"Daddy this episode is so good! We should ask Mommy to join us." She looked back and said.
"Mommy is too far behind to watch with us." San replied
"Hey, I'm trying my best!" You yelled from the kitchen as you were making lunch.
"But you're right Anya we need a third person to watch with, how about Mommy and Daddy give you a sibling?" San smiled while your face heated up and Anya cheered, loving the idea of being a big sister.
"San!"
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roomsofangel · 3 months
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. . SO IT GOES !
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if you asked choi san, his soulmate was absolutely crazy — who the hell eats sardines at three in the morning? not only that, but why was his pizza missing?
if you asked y/n l/n, she was just really hungry.
pairing dancer!san x barista!fem!reader
genre/tags social media au, written, humor/crack, fluff, angst, suggestive, slow burn (kinda, depending on how you see it), college / soulmate au
warnings timestamps/sm numbers + hair colors dont mean anything, but my raging perfectionism tries to make it coherent and matchy. a lot of swearing because im incapable of writing anything that doesn’t involve my sailor mouth. mentions of unhealthy eating/overall serious topics. questionable humor. cyber bullying. sexism/slutshaming. mental illness/anxiety. a lot of dishonesty on san’s end since he isn’t ready for a soulmate. mentions of alcohol/drugs. y/n had a tough childhood that will be mentioned in brief passing but all chapters will have a more thorough warnings if needed — please let me know if i missed something!
notes the taglist is open! & y/n does have a specific faceclaim for pictures, but i try to use a variety!
featuring ateez, a few ocs for y/n’s friends, kang taehyun & choi yeonjun (txt), lee felix (stray kids), shin ryujin (itzy)
status ongoing
elf practice | dysFUNctional family | priv accounts
(quality possibly will suck until chapter twelve! apologies! i moved over this fic from @solenthill to this account and didnt realize how bad the quality was</3)
. . # chapters !
chapter zero | chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four | chapter five | chapter six | chapter seven | chapter eight | chapter nine | chapter ten | chapter eleven | chapter twelve | chapter thirteen | chapter fourteen | chapter fifteen | chapter sixteen | chapter seventeen | chapter eighteen | chapter nineteen | chapter twenty | to be continued
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gummygowon · 1 year
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wanna be yours | choi san
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word count: 8k (longest one yet lads)
genre: non-idol au, experienced!san x best friend/virgin!reader, fluff, smidges of angst, and smut
warnings: pwp, protected sex, slight hair-pulling?, cunnilingus f receiving, the concept of virginity, drinking and i think that's it? but please lmk if i missed anything!
a/n: this is my first like smut-smut so please so beware lol but other than that i'm really proud of how this turned out! also this is dedicated and a belated xmas present to @agustdiv1ne bc she has helped me sm with this oneshot omfg (ty again bae <;3)
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the friday night after finals could only mean one thing. getting absolutely shitfaced at mingi's before going back home from university. because how else are you supposed to de-stress in college?
although you weren't at that level of drunk yet at the small house party your friend hosted, you still agreed to play truth or dare like immature high schoolers.
following a giggling hyejoo to the living room, you hear seonghwa asking something about being too old to be playing such a childish game followed by wooyoung pointing out that he still came over to play so who cares. sitting in between hyejoo and san, you naturally gravitate towards your best friend linking your arm with his for warmth.
"hi sannie." you beam brightly at him, you cheeks flushed red from the alcohol.
"hi y/n." he smiles down at you again, his dimple poking out. san didn't drink that much tonight since he was a lightweight and didn't want to feel whatever terrifying concoction mingi and jongho made up in the kitchen in preparation for the people who didn't want to answer their truth or do their dares.
after settling down in a rough circle, wooyoung starts the game by asking yeosang if he ever got caught masturbating which lead him to go take a shot of the mystery juice. the shot caused him to gag horribly after he downed it leading to jongho and mingi high-fiving each other in accomplishment.
next, yeosang got karina to admit some dirty secret of her hooking with her ta in calc causing giselle to shout out about her doubts of karina's grade being so high in calc for someone who doesn't go to class. as the game went on, hyejoo and yunho ended up topless and honjoong and san fell victim to the mystery juice and was even tipsier than when the game started. you on the other hand were dared to go lick either wooyoung's toe or shoe and you opted for the shoe of course because you did not where his feet have been and you had to confess to ever surviving a no nut november (last year you almost folded but still got through). this turn however, things got a little more interesting.
wooyoung had dared you to go make out with san in a closet and although no one knew about your little secret crush on san besides hyejoo, wooyoung had a knack for knowing who everyone was into. it was scary honestly, he predicted a lot of relationships and figured out who was who's sneaky link.
"so, what's it gonna be y/n? shot or closet?" wooyoung presses with a smirk on his face. he knew. oh, that fucker.
your eyes drift to san to make sure he was comfortable with the idea which lead to him shrugging his shoulders, "i'm down if you're okay with it."
with a tug, you pull san up from his seat and look wooyoung dead in the eye, "closet."
"alright then," he claps his hands as he gets up to usher you to the storage closet in the living room, "come out whenever you're ready, we're gonna keep playing while we wait, alright lovebirds?"
you roll your eyes and shoo wooyoung away from the door, "fuck off."
with the shut of the door, you realize how close you were to san. whatever nerves you had from the wave of courage you had five minutes ago disappeared more and more as san looked down at you.
"we don't have to do it, if you don’t want to." he reassures as he reaches for your arms in order to comfort you.
"i w-wanna do it." you stutter making your heart beat out of your chest even more. "i'm just-i've never done it before."
san looks at you perplexed, he knew about all the terrible dates and weird exes you had so he assumed that you at least made out with them. "i thought-"
"i didn't, i haven't even lost my virginity yet and now i'm really scared because i'm kissing my best friend who probably thinks they're a prude and what if i'm really bad and i mess things up and you hate it for it and-"
to shut you up, san presses his lips against yours as you melt into the kiss and allow him to take over. with a smooth swipe of his tongue, you part your lips slightly just enough for him to slip in earning a sweet moan from you. his hand sneaks his way to the back of your head to pull you even closer to him and further deepen the kiss.
when you pull back, your lipstick was all over his face and your lips were puffy and swollen. your eyes were locked on san as he put his forehead on yours, his eyes closed as he chest heaved up and down to catch his breath.
"you're not so bad." he comments, still not looking up at you. "fast learner if anything."
"san!" you whine, slapping san on the shoulder causing him to open his eyes.
he backs up, trying to get away from you as much as he can in the cramped closet, "hey, i'm giving you a compliment."
"that's a shitty compliment." you fire back with a pout on your lips as your eyes focus on the floor.
swiftly, san reaches your chin with his thumb forcing you to look up at him. without even hesitating, san leans in kissing the pout off of your lips. with a sudden spark of rebellion, you pull at the belt loops on his pants and pull him close to you catching san by surprise.
this time san is the first one to pull away to catch his breath. "see, you're a fast learner." he breathlessly teases.
"i'm leaving." you half-joke as you reach for the door knob.
san immediately reaches for your arm, pulling you back into him, "nope, you're helping me clean this up." he states as he points to the lipstick smeared all over his face before feeling the wall around him for the lights.
"aren't you old enough to do this yourself?" you whine as you lick your thumb and try to rub off the pink lip gloss off his plump lips.
"yeah, but i want you to do it." san answers as he places his hands on your waist. absentmindedly, he begins to rub small circles onto your hips as you quietly undo the damage you did to his lips.
san probably didn't notice the effect he had on you but holy fucking shit your face felt ten times warmer than it was when you were kissing him. it could be the alcohol settling in possibly but who knows. maybe san just had that effect on you.
"you know san, you're really fucking hot." you confess without thinking as you wipe the lip gloss off your fingers. "i would date you, if i could."
it took a minute for san to process what the fuck you just said. there was a high chance he misheard you but if he did hear you correctly well, he's gonna keep you in here for another minute or so.
before san could even respond or even act out, you realize what you just said and immediately start freaking out.
"i did not mean that. i-" you stutter, waving your hands in the air.
a harsh knock came to the door followed by wooyoung poking his head out, "are the lovebirds done? joong and hyejoo wanna play a different game."
oh how you could kiss wooyoung for his amazing timing. "we're done." you quickly say as you smooth out your outfit before joining wooyoung in the living room leaving a confused san.
"y/n! how was it?" hyejoo slurs as she throws herself on you.
if whatever happened in the closet was the only thing san could remember from tonight, you were fucking doomed. for now though, that was an issue for tomorrow. tonight, you were going to indulge in a few more drinks in order to forget what happened moments ago.
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the next morning after mingi's was a rough one. your hangover was probably the worst one of the semester and boy was that telling. your memory from last night was a little foggy, some parts you recall very clearly some not. but the one thing you do fucking remember was wooyoung's sneaky ass setting you up with san during truth or dare. kissing san, you remembered very clearly maybe a little too clearly but whatever happened in between and after that was a blur. you briefly remembered wooyoung opening the door but that was about it.
rolling out of bed, you check your phone to see that san had called. annoyed, you call back hoping whatever it was a good enough reason for you to call in the morning.
"yah, choi san what do you want? it's so early?" you complain, rubbing your eyes awake.
"y/n, it's literally two pm." san deadpans.
"so?" you sass back, "it's still too early for me."
you hear san sigh on the other end, "ok anyways, did you finish the plan for the comp sci workshop? seonghwa is asking for it, he said you were supposed to send it earlier this morning."
a part of you freezes in shock while the other part of you scans your room for your laptop that was covered in papers and notes from studying. "you're fucking joking right."
"nope."
"oh my fucking god, i totally forgot about it while i was studying for exams shit. oh my fucking god. fuck." you curse as you hurriedly get out of bed.
"don't worry, i covered for your ass and told seonghwa that you were working on it which is why you weren't answering your phone. i'm also on the way to help you finish the plan because hwa has some suggestions for it too"
"oh bless your heart, choi san." you praise as you begin your morning routine.
it was around six o'clock by the time you submitted the doc and slideshow to seonghwa and holy fuck were you tired. there was no way you could have pulled this off without the help of san. truly thankful for your best friend, you offered to buy dinner on you and he had the opportunity to chose.
"on you, for real?" he asks in surprise as you begin to clean up the dinner table that was used as a makeshift desk for the past couple of hours. "i thought you were broke."
it took every fiber in you to not throw the hefty textbook in your hand at him. "do you want food or not."
"yes, please!" he immediately back tracks. "fried chicken is fine."
aggressively, you hand him your phone before heading back to your room to put everything away. "order what you want but don't pay i wanna get stuff for myself too."
"thank youuu." san sings as he begins to scroll through doordash.
while in your room, you took the chance to try and process your feelings. it was a no brainer you loved san. he was always there for you ever since you guys met each other in high school. san's been there for your worst and best days of your life and it was always a given that you were there for days like those for him.
however, your use of "love" began to slowly change this year. you've been single for awhile after your last breakup which was a lot of emotional damage to handle but san was always there to comfort you. him on the other hand looked for causal hookups, nothing serious. san was young, he confessed to not wanting to start any relationships because he just wanted to mess around for awhile until he graduated from college.
which left you wondering why you felt jealous whenever san couldn't hang out on friday nights or left the club early. it was probably obvious to everyone as to why you were jealous but you could never admit it.
it was way too cliche to have fallen for your best friend and it certainly didn't help that he didn't take anything seriously when it came to dating. but choi san made it hard for you to not fall for him.
san was the perfect gentlemen. he's always attentive and remembers the little things about you. he always knew when you were feeling sad or mad and always knew how to handle your moods. he knew your coffee order along with your fears. san knew your likes and dislikes and knew when to stop teasing you if you ever got upset or uncomfortable. not to mention he was fucking fine as hell. sure, it is a little weird to be calling your best friend hot but it's literally choi san. everyone's campus crush unfortunately. there was just no way you couldn't have fallen for him.
"y/n, how much are you gonna eat?" san shouts from down the hall pulling you out of your thoughts.
"uhhhh... how much are you gonna eat?" you ask, taking a moment to compose yourself before walking back into the living room.
at least you were his best friend. best friend. a title that left you feeling grateful yet wanting more. maybe one day, you would tell him how you truly feel about him but for now you're content with being his best friend.
"oh my god, there's mozzarella sticks too!" san chirps from the couch.
"get me one!" you shout as you jump onto the couch. "just mozzarella with sugar and i could go for a couple of wings."
"ok..." san trails as he inputs your order, "do you want something to drink?"
"no, it's fine. i have some soda and soju in the fridge."
"fuck yeah!"
once completing the order, san repeats what he has in the cart before pressing the "order now" button and hands back your phone.
"thanks sannie." you reach for the phone before continuing, "and for coming here to help me finish. i don't know what i would've done without you."
"no problem, anything for you." san answers with a smile on his face.
afterward, silence fell in the room. there were very rare occasions where silences were awkward but this one felt different. it felt tense? maybe you were reading into it too much but the atmosphere felt odd.
"you know," san begins breaking the silence, "you said some interesting things last night."
an abrupt cough broke your voice before you could reply, "i'm sorry what?"
san repeats what he said before continuing, "y'know, i wouldn't mind helping you out."
"helping me out with what?" your heart was practically beating of your chest when you questioned san. exactly what the fuck did drunk you say in that damn closet.
"yesterday, you mentioned that you were a virgin before we kissed and that you were a little embarrassed about it."
"so, you're asking me if i would want you to help me lose my virginity?" you ask, not quite sure if you're hearing the words come out of san's mouth right.
"yeah, i mean it's better than losing it to a complete stranger right? but if talking about this is making you uncomfortable i will shut up about this and pretend this never happened. you just gotta tell me." the man across from you reassures, his face unreadable.
"i can't tell if you're joking about this."
"why would i joke about something that you have an issue with?" san responds back, his tone serious.
you take a minute to let his words soak in because you're still sure you're not hearing him correctly. choi san, your best friend wants to take your virginity? and why are you lowkey comfortable with the idea? are best friends supposed to be doing this? doesn't this break some type of boundary or cross some line of being friends?
"if you don't want to, there's no rush y/n. i'm only offering this because i think you would be comfortable with someone you know and trust. plus, i'm already tested and i'm clean so you don't need to worry about catching anything."
san made great points on his case and you really wanted to lose your v-card and to him? even better. your only concern was how would this affect your friendship afterward. what if your feelings for him get too strong?
"you promise this won't affect our friendship?"
"i swear on it." san raises his pinky out, "i promise this won't affect anything between us. it'll just be like me doing another favor for you."
taking his pinky with yours, you seal the promise by using your thumb to connect with his, "deal."
"deal." san agrees as he smiles, his dimple poking out. "can i ask you a few questions though?"
"shoot away."
"you've cummed before right?"
"uh yeah." you answer, feeling slightly uncomfortable with talking about such a taboo topic with your best friend. you've heard bits and pieces of san's sex life but he's never heard about yours and now is the perfect time to start laying out everything.
"so you've masturbated before?" you nod in response leading to san asking a few more follow up questions, "with your fingers or with a toy?"
"both, hyejoo got me a vibrator for my birthday."
"oh? we love to see it." san comments with a surprised look on his face, "what are you into and what are some hard no's?"
"hmmm, i'm definitely into praise. maybe hair-pulling? oh, and i like it when people are possessive? y'know when someone let's their partner know that they their's or something. hard no's though would be degradation but do i like dirty talk."
out of all the things you've confessed tonight, saying no to degradation got an eyebrow raise from san.
"what?" you snap, "call me a whore and you're fucking dead."
"noted." san raises his arms up in surrender.
"your turn now, what are you into and not?" a part of you was a little excited to hear about what he had to say.
"well, i like to hear and give praise and sometimes edging. i also like it when someone pulls my hair and when they're loud. it lets me know that i'm doing something right. i also wouldn't mind getting topped. but i'm not into super bdsm or anything extreme right now."
"interesting, i'll keep that in mind."
"last question, i swear." san starts, "have you ever been eaten out before?"
"no. i didn't really get into much with any of my partners."
"well," he pauses for dramatic effect, "you wanna know how it feels like?"
"like, right now?" there goes your heart again, racing a hundred miles per hour.
"i mean we have some time before the food gets here so..."
the mere thought of san going down on you and being the first person to do had you rubbing your thighs together. "fuck it."
the both of you move to the couch where you let san climb on top. "is it okay, if i kiss you again?"
you nod, afraid to use your voice. this was really happening.
"yes, please." you whisper, still not trusting your voice.
"i need words baby." san demands as one of his hands lifts your chin up.
"don't be shy baby, it's just me." he comforts as the hand on your chin rises to your cheek. "i'll take care of you, just relax."
looping your hands around his neck, you nod beginning to allow yourself to relax. san uses the hand on your cheek to meet him in the middle as he pulls you into a sweet kiss. it was less sloppier than the last time you kissed him yet san was already pulling sounds out of your mouth and he hadn't even touched you yet.
san pulls away moving his lips to your neck as he softly licks different spots on your neck, switching between kitten licks and nibbling. soft pants were escaping your mouth which made san want to hear more from you. with the next lick of your neck, san followed up with a harder bite on your neck but quickly soothed the pain with the swipe of his tongue eliciting a sweet moan from you.
you could feel san's smile of victory on your neck as he leaves one last kiss on your neck before pulling away. "ready?" he asks, waiting for a verbal confirmation which you comply with quickly. "just relax and let me do the work. don't hesitate to stop me if you ever feel comfortable."
this time you nod your head shyly in response as san eyes you down for any signs of discomfort. "i trust you."
san smiles in response as one of his hands begin to travel downwards, his lips going back to your neck. his hands start off with a small rub on your hips then snake further down to the waistband of your pants. you were beyond grateful you were wearing some of your newer underwear but that was in the back of your mind when san cupped your clothed core.
"oh fuck." you groan, his fingers taking you by surprise as they run and up down your slit.
"already such a mess and i've barely touched you." he coos at you making you whimper.
"stop teasing please," you plead, grabbing onto his arm.
san removes his hand from your pants causing you to pout but before you could even whine, san pulls down your sweats after moving to the edge of the couch.
"fuck," san groans, the sight of you dripping for him was making him lose his mind.
san takes small kitten licks, taking his sweet time with you as he watches for your reactions. these small licks weren't doing it for you though as one of your hands snaked to the back of his head trying to use it as leverage to speed things up.
"patience, baby." he says as he presses your hips down, making you whimper.
"please, just go faster," you beg, looking at him hopelessly.
as on cue, san takes two fingers to spread your lips apart before quickening his pace. the difference in speed had you gasping as you tugged on his hair.
"ooh my god, so close." you pant, the grip on his hair tightening.
san groans into your sopping pussy sending vibrations into your core and bringing you closer to the edge. to add on to the burning feeling in your stomach, he brings a hand up to your clit to speed up ur orgasm.
"fuck, fuck, fuck!" you cry out feeling the knot in your stomach burst.
your orgasm washes over you, leaving you breathless as san continues to lick up your cum. the overstimulation building up was beginning to burn as you tug on san's hair to stop.
san immediately pulls away with your essence dripping down his chin but that doesn't stop him as he dives into a heated kiss with you, letting you taste yourself on your tongue.
when he pulls back a sickening smile spreads across his face, "thoughts?"
to be honest, you were completely breathless with how fucking amazing san just ate you out and with how san was staring down at you right now with a stupid smirk on his face. "that...was great."
the smile on his face is gone as san frowns, "just great? i put my all into that."
you roll your eyes, grabbing the nearest pillow, you smack san on the chest. "i can't really think right now asshole."
"is it because i ate you out really good?" san genuinely asks, a smile returning his face.
"no you dumbass, the project really got my ass." you throw your hands into the air, chest still heaving.
"oh."
"oh my god." you groan. "just give me my clothes."
"wait, let me clean you up first." san objects before jogging down your hall towards your bathroom.
upon returning, san found you half asleep as your eyes were shut. still, he got on his knees and carefully took the wet rag to clean you up and his face.
your eyes fluttered open to see san below you again dabbing the inside of your legs carefully with a towel. instinctively, your hand flies to his hair as you stroke through his locks. "thank you." you hum, "you really did a good job."
san physically tensed up at your touch or maybe it was your words, either way he pulled away with a light blush on his face as he handed you a fresh pair of underwear and sweats. "of course, next time should be even funner."
"funner isn't a word." you quip, trying to ignore the excitement pooling in your stomach for the next time you guys hook up.
"shut up and move." san shushes as he climbs onto the couch with you, pulling you into his side.
the warmth coming from his body was too delicious as you felt your eyes droop even further. "san, i'm gonna fall asleep."
"just nap and i'll wake you up when the food is here."
although you had your doubts about san waking you up as soon as the food came because you feared that he would take all the chicken legs and then wake you up, you awoke to everything untouched (thankfully).
the food tasted like heaven as you guys chowed down however san would argue that you tasted better than whatever chicken piece he was eating.
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ever since that night when san came over, something in you changed. you ached for san to touch you like that again and although you usually see san almost every day, you haven't seen him in a couple of days. you knew that he was busy finishing stuff up for clubs and packing for his trip home but something in you felt like something changed between the two of you.
maybe it was just you being extremely horny over your best friend that you didn't know how you would ever act normally near him after he ate you out. it also didn't help that you guys didn't set an official day for when you'll finally lose your virginity.
every now and then you would get the urge to just tell san to come over and fuck you but whatever sanity you had left in you refused to cave in so weakly like that.
speaking of the devil himself, san's name appeared on your phone.
morning wood: u wanna come over tonight?
morning wood: i just finished packing
hobbit: do u want me to bring something over for dinner?
morning wood: nah i can order pizza when u come over
morning wood: pepperoni good?
hobbit: yeah, i'll be over in thirty i just need to finish my laundry
morning wood: okayyy
morning wood liked a message from you
fuck. is this gonna be the night? like the night? shit. shit. should u shave? wear something sexy under some sweats just in case?
usually, san is super straightforward when it comes to shit like this so there should be no reason for you to be so freaked out. maybe you could be the one to initiate things? he did say he liked to be topped. wait, what if san genuinely wanted to hang out with you? and now you're only looking forward to seeing him because you wanna get dicked down.
your thoughts kept on racing as you sat in front of two outfits on your bed. casual loungewear with the possibility of wearing the ridiculously over-the-top lingerie underneath or something slightly with more effort which consisted of jeans and a cute cardigan.
still panicking over what to wear to your best friend's house you call hyejoo on the edge of having a meltdown.
"hell-"
"hyejoo! i need your help with what to wear san's. you rush completely cutting off your friend.
"well fuck, nice to see you too." hyejoo jokes commenting on your panicked state, "what's the occasion? wait is this the night you finally lose it?"
she knew almost every detail of what was going on between you and san. hyejoo lived for your updates and lately, she's been missing her nightly video chats of you screaming every little thing that had happened between you and san after the night at mingi's.
"that's the thing, i don't know what the occasion is. he just texted me to come over cause he's been hella busy lately tryna pack and shit."
"ahh that explains why you haven't called me in like four days."
"yes it does, but please help me. i don't know if i should like sort of dress up fancier? or like be sneaky and wear something bold underneath."
"well, you usually just wear sweats or whatever right?" you hum in agreement, "well then just wear sweats then wear the lingerie i got you."
"but what if i wear and be uncomfortable the whole time and we don’t even have sex."
"ok well, then just wear a matching set. preferably something that's not from high school, y/n."
"hey. i threw those away leave me alone." you argue back.
"whatever, anyways just wear a matching set in his favorite color just in case you guys do have sex."
"you are so fucking smart." you praise, as you rifle through your sock and underwear once more. "thank you so much, i'll call you if anything happens."
"ah i'm so excited!" hyejoo exclaims on the other end of the phone, "stay safe and use protection!"
"yes, mom. bye" you roll your eyes at the sudden change in hyejoo's voice.
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it was final. you decided on wearing a black matching set since you couldn't find your purple bra in your drawer. black will be fine right? it's still a sexy color? well, either way you thought you looked good as hell in black so you got a confidence boost from that.
soon you arrived at san's, with your heart beating out of your chest. a very rare feeling to have at your best friend's house but hey, what's one more boundary to cross?
tentatively, you knock on his door fiddling with one of the strings on your hoodie.
"hi."
"come in." san greets you wearing a loose pair of sweats and a tank top showing off his buff arms.
well shit, if you weren't wet at the possibility of having sex tonight, you were already wet from just looking at his physique. the way the tight tank top accentuated his tiny waist and broad shoulders had your mind running laps.
"you good?" san asks as he looks over at your spaced-out figure.
"yeah, i'm good. it's just," you rub a hand over face to stall as you think of an excuse, "i'm fine."
san just gives out a light chuckle at your response, "well, the pizza is on the counter if you want some but do you wanna watch anything?"
"ooo yes!" you slightly loosen up as you try to forget how you got caught checking out your best friend, "chainsaw man?"
"yeah sure, i've been wanting to catch up on that."
"perfect!" you clasp your hands together in excitement.
"blanket?"
"yes, please."
you continue to fiddle with the strings of your hoodie dealing with both your horniess and anxiety. when san returned to the couch with one of his (yours actually) favorite blanket, you instinctively scooted closer to san for double warmth.
however, you failed to remember that your lewd thoughts were still in the back of your mind and as san was slowly typing in "chainsaw man" into the search bar, you kept fidgeting trying to find the best way where you relieved some sort of pressure and felt comfortable.
"are you sure you're okay?" san looks down at you. his words felt like he was pushing you to admit to something you didn't want to say out loud.
"i-uh,um." you couldn't even think straight with san staring down at you like that. "i think i'm ready."
san just stares at you in confusion, "i love the confidence but for what?"
you hopelessly look at him, praying he understands what you mean. "you know..." the blush on your face gets stronger every minute you say something dumb.
san understood what you meant. actually, he had a feeling that you wanted to the minute you started checking him out. still though, he played dumb wanted to hear you say it out loud.
"i don't know, actually."
"san!" you whine at him.
still, your pleas had no effect on you as he stared at you with a blank face.
"i'mreadytohavesexwithyou." you blurt out really fast not even daring to open your eyes. you hear san laugh and the feeling of wanting to crawl up in a hole and die grew exponentially. immediately you hide underneath the blanket hoping san would disappear if you wished hard enough.
"y/n," san pulls the covers down to enough to reveal your eyes. "it's okay." you refused to remove the blanket completely but still pulled it down just enough that your whole face was exposed. "if you want to have sex now you just have to tell me. i'm perfectly fine with waiting too, it's all up to you."
"can you please just fuck me." you pout. "now, please."
a soft smile appears on san's face as he scoops you up into his arms. "you're so cute."
"wait, where am i going?" you ask as you tilt your head to see where san's taking you.
"i am not taking your virginity on a craig's list couch."
"fair enough."
gently, san lays you on his bed before crawling towards you. once your head is on one of his pillows, san's hands trail to the hem of your shirt. "can i kiss you?"
the way those words left his mouth felt so soft and pure. you were so glad you ditched the idea of losing your v-card to a random tinder date. you trusted san enough to take good care of you and he did.
"yes, please." you answer, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him in.
the kiss started off slow, as san took his time with you. his lips molded perfectly with yours. your arms tug on his neck to bring him even closer as san spreads your legs with his knee. the top of his knee came into contact with your aching core causing you to moan in the kiss.
san pulls away with swollen lips, his hands trail to the hem of your shirt tugging it on softly, "can i?"
acknowledging him, san gets to work as he gets rid of your shirt leaving you in your bra. flustered, your hands reach for san's shirt as you tug on it.
"to be even," you explain.
"of course." san smiles following your command and smoothly takes his tank top off throwing it to somewhere in the room.
it wasn't new seeing san shirtless but you swear he changed his workout routine or something because he looks (and feels) ten times more ripped than the last time you saw him shirtless.
a gasp leaves your mouth and your hands fly to his chest as they rake down to his stomach.
"what?" he asks as he leans closer into you, putting both of his hands beside your head, caging you in.
"did you get a new workout routine?" you attempt to ask calmly.
"yeah actually, yeosang and i started going to a trainer a couple months ago."
"i can tell," you compliment, hands once again running up and down his abs.
in one swift motion, san captures both of your arms and holds them in place with one hand above your head.
"hey-"
"enough talking." san cuts you off with a sudden kiss, his free hand trailing your curves. desperately, you tried to lift your arms so you could wrap them around san but his grip was too strong. your body fidgeted trying to get him to loosen the grip but with how close san knee was to your core, it began to rub deliciously against your sweats. soon, you fell into a somewhat steady rhythm trying to create some friction for yourself.
when san pulls away, your motions come to a halt like you were caught red-handed. "baby couldn't wait, huh?"
embarrassed, you turn your head with a blush evident on your cheeks.
"hey, i'm just teasing you." san comforts as he grabs your chin with his fingers, forcing you to look up at him. he felt his heart crumble (and his pants strain) when you looked up at him with a pout. "i'll make it up to you, yeah?"
"you better, you jackass." you joke as you slap his arm.
san gets back to work with your lips as his hands trail all over your body. his roamed every curve and dip of your body. the callouses on his hands left goosebumps everywhere. eventually, san stopped at the top of the waistband. "may i?"
pathetically, you whimper out a quick "yes" as san gets to work with getting rid of your sweats and panties. one of his fingers runs up and down your slit to collect your slick.
"gonna prep you first, okay?"
nodding in confirmation, san slips his finger in as you gasp. your walls clench around his finger as he pumps in and out. your breath quickens even more before san adds in another one drawing a moan from you.
once san deems you prepped enough for his dick, he pulls his fingers out causing you to whine. "i'll be back, just gotta find a condom baby." he soothes as he opens his bed stand drawer his clean fishing around for one.
finally, san finds that gold foil package, ripping it with his teeth and you swear you could've come at that sight alone. you help san get rid of his pants and boxers.
sitting up in anticipation, you watch as san pumps his cock in front of you. the realization of you getting dicked down finally settling causing nerves to bounce around in you again. his dick wasn't some scary monster cock that you've seen in porn videos but it was still fairly long and the more you thought about it the more you questioned how the fuck it was supposed to fit inside of you.
san pulls you out of your thoughts when he lets out a groan. your eyes snap back down to his dick as you watch his tip start to leak beads of precum from his angry, red tip. san slows down his hand as his other hand begins to reach for the condom.
"wait."
san snaps his head to you with the condom still dangling from his teeth, his eyes full of concern.
"can i do that?" you ask the sudden burst of confidence spurring your adrenaline.
immediately, san nods his head as he sticks out his chin for you to grab the condom from his mouth. you sucked in a breath as you slipped the condom onto san as he praised you for your job well done but you cut him as you give him an experimental pump of his cock.
"fuck." san says through gritted teeth.
with his reaction, you pump him a few more times watching as his face contorted in pleasure. you didn't want to be the only one being satisfied tonight.
"baby," san grunts as he grabs your wrist, scaring you slightly as you thought you did something wrong, "we don't want me cumming just yet."
"right..." you trail off awkwardly as you retract your hand away.
san lightly laughs at your awkwardness finding it adorable, "it's alright, just let me make you feel good now."
he plants a quick kiss on your lips as he softly presses you onto your back. "tell me if anything hurts alright love?"
you give him another quick nod as you watch san shift on his knees. with a hand, he rubs the head of his cock up and down your slit just to tease you earning him a moan from you.
once san lines up with your entrance, he slowly fills you up and before any pain or discomfort could even manifest in your mind, san smashes his lips into yours. with the way, san's tongue was dancing with yours the pain in your lower abdomen was almost nonexistent.
by the time he pulls away, san's cock was fully buried into your cunt. your walls rubbed deliciously against san, "fuckkk, you feel so fucking good." san groaned. "tell me when you're ready for me to move, love."
this new pet name combined with san going down to kiss your neck has your head spinning. "oh fuck, san."
the sensation of san's lips leaving wet kisses on your neck was incredible. to add even more to your pleasure, you felt him begin to nibble lightly on your neck causing you to moan even louder. you could even feel san's smirk of accomplishment on your neck before he continued his new pattern of nibbling on different spots on your neck and soothing the pain with a few swipes of his tongue.
it took you a moment to even tell san that you were ready for him to move since you were so overwhelmed with his little side quest that you couldn't even manage to get a word out.
with your confirmation, san pulls his mouth away from you to focus on your cunt. at first, he does a few experimental thrusts just to test the waters before settling into a comfortable rhythm.
"you're taking me so well, baby" san praises when he flashes his eyes up at you. the dazed look in your eyes caused a surge of confidence to course through his body.
san's ego grew when he realized that he was the first one to ever make you feel this fucked out. he showed his newfound confidence by fucking you even harder. the grip on your hips tightening as san tries to get the most leverage he can to chase his high.
"fuck, san." you cry out, the knot in your stomach growing. "m' so close baby."
san tensed at the nickname for a quick second. he had been calling you "baby" ever since he started helping you out but holy shit he did not expect you calling him that to have such an effect on him. "say it again." san demands his eyes flashing to yours.
"baby, fuck." you groan as san's pace increases even more sending you to close the edge. "shit, i'm so close"
his thrusts got sloppier as your moans became louder. the knot in your stomach began to unravel with each push. san swallowed your moans as he leaned down to kiss you. it was a messy kiss but yet it oddly felt intimate. there was just something in his urgency to kiss you that felt so comforting.
the mix of his lips combined with the last few thrusts of hips, the both of you finally came. pulling away from your lips, san presses his forehead to yours to catch his breath with his cock still buried deep inside you.
for a moment, you guys stay like that. in such an intimate position, you closed your eyes and believed that he was yours and not just your best friend. you wished you could stay in this moment forever and keep believing this isn't a one-time thing.
you were pulled out of your daydreaming as san finally pulled out causing you to whine, already missing the feeling of him. through tired eyes, you watch san tie up the condom to discard after he throws on a pair of boxers.
"where are you going?" you ask still out of breath. apart of you worried that he was going to get up and leave already. you didn't want your little daydream to end just yet.
"i'll be right back." san answers slipping out of the door and disappearing somewhere into your house.
soon, san returned with a glass of water and a wet rag. carefully, san gets to work as he cleans you up after handing you the glass to drink. when he's done, you give the half-empty glass back to him and encourage him to drink it. he gladly does before getting up once more to put away the cup.
immediately, you tug at his arm and pull him down into bed with you. "don't go."
san smiles at you softly before returning back into the covers. your arms link around his torso in an instant bringing him closer to you. "don't ever leave me."
"i won't, i promise. you mean too much to me"
"i do?" you mumble, fatigue finally catching up to you as your eyelids began to droop.
"mmh." san mumbles as he presses a soft kiss onto your forehead. "go to bed, we can talk tomorrow."
too tired to even respond, you close your eyes and wrap your arms tighter around him.
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the sun peeked through the blinds promptly disrupting your sleep along with the noises on the street. when you opened your eyes to an empty bed your heart sank. you knew san didn't owe you anything after last night but still you wished you woke up in his arms and not alone.
with a heavy heart, you got up from his bed and got dressed again, picking up the scattered clothes from the floor. memories from the night before flooded your mind and it hurt remembering that it was only temporary.
when you left the room, you didn't expect to see san cooking breakfast.
"you're awake already?" san asks as he looks over his shoulder.
you nod your head, "your blinds don't do shit."
"my apologies sleeping beauty." san jokes back turning his attention back to the stove. "breakfast will be ready in ten."
by the looks of it, san appeared normal like last night's events had no effect on him whatsoever. truthfully, they were the opposite. san was internally freaking out. from the many hook up and one night stands san has been on, not one of them has he longed for the girl afterward. he didn't know how to react to his feelings but the one thing he did know was that he wanted you.
san was just scared to ask you to be his. there was a multitude of reasons of why but one of them was that he was scared of the commitment. in general, he just couldn't get himself to open up to just one person and be vulnerable but with you, he wanted to try.
he felt safe in your presence and although it took him so long to realize it, he's always felt comfortable around you. "breakfast's ready!" sans call out to you.
the two of you eat in awkward silence. part of you was convinced that you were making it awkward because someone couldn't keep their feelings out of it and san thought he was making things weird because he had no clue how to handle his emotions.
eventually, you couldn't stand the sound of the utensils clanking on the plates and bowls, and either could san. "san,"
"yes?" he looks up at you, thankful for breaking the tension.
this is the moment. just do it. "i don't think we can be friends anymore."
"wait what?"
"i know, i made you promise that whatever we did wouldn't affect our friendship but i-i love you."
san stares at you in confusion, "i love you, too but i don't see why we can't be friends anymore? was the sex that bad? you can be honest."
"god no, it was great. but the issue is that you don't love me the way i love you." you confess daring to look san in the eyes. "i knew this was terrible idea from the start but i just- i wanted to have you for one night even if it was temporary."
san soaks in your words, not saying anything for a moment which leads to worry even more.
"i'm sorry," you start, looking down at your hands as you try to contain yourself.
"you don't need to apologize." san says grabbing your hand from across the table. "i wanna be yours too."
"wait, what? i thought you didn't like relationships though?"
"i don't but recently i've realized i wanna be more than friends. don't think it's because of the sex, if anything that just gave me another reason to love you." san jokes, easing the tension in the room.
"san, be serious." you scold at him while a smile slips through your facade.
"no seriously though, i mean it when i say i wanna be yours."
"you wanna be mine?"
"yes i do. i know i'm not good at communicating feelings and stuff like that but i'm willing to try with you."
the biggest smile graces your face as look down at the table while san comes over to your side. maybe you didn't have to worry at all about this because in the end he wanted you all along.
"we can take it slow, as long you're mine." you look lovingly into his eyes and you felt your heart beat out of your chest. for good reason, this time though.
"sounds great to me."
a laugh escapes as you lean your head onto's san shoulder. his arm immediately wraps around you bringing you in as san places a quick kiss on your head. "so what did you think about breakfast?"
"being honest," you look up at san with a playful smile on your face, "they were kinda runny."
"that's it, we're done." san jokes, throwing his arms into the air for dramatic effect.
laughing at his antics, you just realize how much you love san and although it may be too early to say it yet, let's just say you're grateful you had a choi san in your life.
he finally was yours.
1K notes · View notes
bro-atz · 6 months
Text
absence makes the heart break
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in which: san broke your heart when he suddenly left you, and just when you've finally moved on, he reappears in your life in a way you couldn't even fathom in your wildest dreams
pair: san/afab!reader (ft. wooyoung/afab!reader)
word count: 8k
content: a lot of angst, fluff, a lot of smut, break up sex, one last time sex, romantic sex, taboo sex, sofa/couch sex x2???, raw sex x3??? (remember to wrap up irl pls), heart break, opportunistic infidelity, love triangle???, completely consensual!
author's note: tbh i'm definitely evil for writing this, but i'm in my villain era so let's break some hearts hehe... i og just wanted this to be a "the one that got away" trope, and then my fingers just took me on a wildly different journey, so here we are... don't kill me pls and thx ily xoxo thank you choy @chokchokk for the idea hehe
tag list: @k-hotchoisan apply for the permanent taglist here!
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You and San had been dating for two years— the two of you met right after graduating from college and clicked almost immediately. After one year of dating, he moved into your place, and after two years, things changed suddenly.
You got home from work one day to see all of San’s suitcases by the door. You looked around and saw that pretty much all of his personal belongings were no longer in their spots. You stared at the place in shock— what the fuck was going on? There weren’t any problems in your relationship that you could think of, and San didn’t show any signs that he was unhappy in the relationship. The two of you even talked about having a kid for crying out loud.
“San?” you called out into the apartment. “What’s going on?”
There was no response. You walked around the apartment and looked for him, only to find him in the bedroom. He turned to look at you, and you immediately saw his red, teary eyes. He had been crying.
“Y/N, you’re home early,” he said softly.
“San, what the hell is going on? Why are all of your things by the door?” you asked, your own voice starting to waver.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore… I think we should break up.”
“W-what? San, I don’t understand—”
“I wrote it all in the letter…” San stated as he pointed to the letter on the bed. “I didn’t think you’d come home so soon. I was hoping to slip out while you were at work.”
“Why?!”
“I have to go home for a while. I don’t know how long, and there’s a lot of things I have to work through, so I don’t feel right being in a relationship where I can’t give you the attention you deserve. I’m sorry, Y/N…”
“Sannie, I can help you! That’s what relationships are all about—”
“No, you can’t. You have a life here, Y/N. I can’t just expect you to drop everything just to be with me… Even if we try long distance, I know that you can be there for me, but I won’t be able to be there for you. You deserve to be with someone who can reciprocate, and that person is just not me right now.”
San walked past you and out of the bedroom, but you caught his arm before he could go any further. Hot tears rolled down your cheeks as his back faced you.
“San,” you cried. “Don’t do this… Please… I love you so much. Don’t break up with me.”
You hugged San from behind. At first, he was motionless, but he eventually turned in your arms and hugged you back. He hugged you tightly and dropped his head, his lips by your ear. You heard his voice crack slightly as he whispered, “I love you, too, Y/N. I love you so, so, so much…”
“We don’t have to break up,” you mumbled into his chest. You leaned back and looked into his eyes as you said, “Let me be there for you. We’ll go through it together, and I promise I’ll be there for you even if you can’t be there for me. We can make it work! I’ll just come visit you in your hometown every other weekend.”
“But that’s not fair to you, Y/N… You’d be putting in so much effort, and I wouldn’t be able to do that at all. Then, you’d grow to resent me for not putting more effort into our relationship. I’d rather break up with you now because I can’t stand the idea of you breaking up with me because you hate me.”
“I won’t hate you, San. I love you. I will always love you… We don’t know how the future will turn out! I’d rather stay together and be hopeful.”
“Y/N, I have to go, and I don’t know how long I’ll have to be gone for…” He pulled himself out of your embrace. He cupped your cheeks and wiped the tears staining your cheeks. “This is how it has to be.”
You place your hands over his and hold onto him. When he moved his hands away from your face, you immediately held onto his shoulders and pulled him, your lips meeting his. Your hand rested on the back of his neck and on his shoulder as you kissed him passionately, tears still rolling down your cheeks. His arms wrapped around your waist and pulled you into him. The two of you kissed and held onto each other desperately as you re-entered the bedroom.
San sat on the bed while you straddled him. You ran your fingers through his hair and clutched his roots as you felt his tongue dive further into your mouth. His fingers slipped under your blouse and held onto your waist, his cold fingers sending goosebumps down your spine. When his nails brushed past the small of your back to move to your bra and unhook it, you moved closer to him, a muffled moan leaving your lungs. San released your lips, a thin string of saliva connecting your tongues. The string broke when San moved his head down, his nose brushing against your jaw as he targeted the skin on your neck. You leaned your head backwards as breathy moans escaped your body.
You gripped the collar of San’s sweater and pulled upwards, indicating to San that you wanted him to start stripping. He moved away from you slightly to do so, messing up his hair and revealing a white tank top, which he promptly removed to reveal his defined chest and broad shoulders. Even with his messy hair covering his eyes, you could still see the sorrow in them. His lips were slightly parted as he looked up at you, practically begging you to kiss him; and when you brought your lips to his, he kissed you passionately and desperately, which you loved but at the same time did not want him to do so because it meant that he really was going to leave.
San helped you out of your blouse and pulled your bra off almost immediately so his hands could cup your breasts. He planted his lips on one of your breasts and sucked hard, making you hold onto his shoulders, your nails digging into his skin as his teeth nibbled on your nipple. You gasped loudly when his fingers tugged on your other nipple.
While San got busy with your breasts, turning you on to the max, you unconsciously gyrated your hips on his lap. Your panties were getting incredibly wet, and San was getting harder by the second, making you grind on him even more. San moaned lightly when you pushed your waist against his, his hands moving from your breasts to your ass. He sucked your other breast while slipping his fingers past the waistband of your pants then sliding your pants downwards.
Wordlessly, the two of you removed your pants when you stood up for a brief moment. The second the two of you were completely naked, you straddled him once more, his dick pressing against your clit and stomach. Neither of you said a single word as you held his dick delicately in your hands, adjusting the both of you before sitting down, his cock filling you up. San’s hands held onto your ass as you began to move, his hands assisting you. You moved slowly at first, allowing you to lock lips with the man you loved.
Whimpers, moans, and groans echoed in the room the more you bounced on San’s dick. At some point, he leaned backwards, his back pressing against the bed. Your chest pressed against his as you continued to fuck him, his hips bucking upwards to thrust his penis further and harder into you. You gasped and bit back cries as you felt him rub against your g-spot repeatedly, bringing you to orgasm. Shortly after, you heard San grunt loudly as he slammed your waist against his, his cock trembling inside you as he came. He remained inside you as the two of you rested and caught your breath.
That moment lasted only seconds before San turned you over so that your back was pressed against the bed. He moved your legs upwards so that your calves rested on his shoulders, his dick still deep inside you. He moved slowly and gently at first, and he was still sitting upright. You held your arms out for him, and he lowered himself, your hands immediately moving to hold the back of his neck so you could get yet another taste of his sweet lips. He moved to his elbows while you wrapped your legs around his waist, allowing him to move faster and harder.
San kept up a slower tempo at first, but he slammed his waist into yours repeatedly, your ass stinging a little because of the impact. The pain immediately subsided the more you kissed him, though, until you felt a tear slip out of your eye. San lips left yours as he moved upwards slightly, the two of you gazing at each other. San’s eyes were also misty from what you saw. More tears slipped out of your eyes the longer you stared at San’s face. He wiped the tears from your eyes, but that didn’t stop you from crying, which made him start crying, too. You felt one of his tears land on your cheek, but before any more could fall, he moved back and sped up his thrusts exponentially, quickly bringing you to orgasm, but you were only able to squirt properly after San came again and pulled out, both your arousal fluid and San’s cum leaking out of your pussy.
With a light exhale, San laid down on the bed next to you. He laid his arm out so you could use his arm as a pillow, his other hand cupping your face and wiping tears from your cheek.
“Angel,” San whispered, making you cry all over again because that was the first time all day he had called you by his nickname for you. “Angel, please don’t cry.”
“How can I not cry when you’re going to leave me?” you whispered while crying. “You’re the love of my life, Sannie. I don’t want to break up. Let’s stay together… You do what you need to do, but still be my love, please…”
“Y/N…”
“Please, San. Please.”
San let out a sad exhale. He sat up and said, “Let’s get cleaned up first, okay?”
You nodded slowly and sat up with his assistance. The two of you went to the bathroom and took a shower together, but while usually you two would indulge in shower sex, you couldn’t bring yourself to even look him in the eye. He scrubbed you and himself down as you stood somewhat motionless. Neither of you said a word.
After toweling off and tossing the soiled sheets into the hamper, you and San got into bed. You held onto him tightly in fear that he was going to leave if you didn’t. He pet your hair and left soft kisses all over your face, but you didn’t respond to that because you knew that was him trying to say goodbye. You moved your head down and pressed it against his chest, not allowing him to kiss your face at that point. He settled for pressing his lips lightly against the top of your head before burying his nose in your hair.
“Angel, how about this,” he said quietly. “I won’t leave until the morning, okay?”
You didn’t want him to leave at all. You remained quiet as you thought about his proposition.
“I’ll stay here tonight and sleep with you, then I’ll leave in the morning.”
If he was going to leave in the morning, maybe you could wake up before him and keep him from leaving by hiding his things or just latching onto him and not letting go.
“Okay,” you accepted. “I love you so much, my San.”
San kissed the top of your head once more before resting his chin on your head and hugging you closer. “I love you, too, my angel… My Y/N.”
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You woke up to an extremely cold bed. You immediately sat up and looked around. San was not in the bedroom. You leapt out of bed and ran to the front door to see that all of his suitcases were no longer there.
“San?” you called out into the empty apartment. “San?!”
No response. You ran through the apartment searching for him, but there wasn’t a single trace of him anywhere. You fell to your knees and bawled. San really did leave.
Little did you know, San was standing in front of the apartment still. If you had just opened the front door, you would have been able to catch him, but you didn’t know that. San pressed his head against the door as he heard you wailing his name, tears falling rapidly from his eyes, and he continued to cry the whole way back to his hometown.
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The following days, weeks, months, you texted San everyday— good morning texts, good night texts, happy holiday, happy birthday, and many, many, many “I love you”s and “I miss you”s; and no matter how much you texted him, you never got a single reply from him. You tried for a year. You even tried to find his hometown so you could get him back by going in person, but you didn’t know where or how to find his hometown. His friends were no help, too. He ghosted them as well. He ghosted everyone.
You wanted to wait for San. You knew that he would come back to you at some point and that you would be able to live your happily ever after with him. But, you didn’t know how long he was going to take. You didn’t know if he ever would show up again.
The thought of growing old and dying alone scared you. You didn’t want to be alone. You wanted someone to love you and be there for you— and that’s when you finally understood what San was saying. You were so lonely without him, and if the two of you were still dating, he still wouldn’t be able to be there for you when you needed him to. So, after one year of waiting for him, you gave up. You couldn’t wait for him any longer; you couldn’t be alone any longer.
You distracted yourself to the best of your ability. You spent more time at work, working well into the night despite the fact that you really didn’t need to. You hung out with your friends often, but you couldn’t keep that up for long because your friends were in their own relationships, and their romantic relationships were more important (and you didn’t blame them because you were the same when you were dating San).
One weekend morning, you went on a walk. Your mind was blank— you spent the entire night before just crying about San and looking at old pictures of the two of you, his favorite movie playing in the background. So, in the morning, you were a zombie. You woke up to see that it was still dark out, but the sun was starting to come up. Your body moved before your mind could process, and you were outside waiting for the sunrise.
You were walking along the sidewalk on a bridge, and you stopped right in the middle of the bridge to look at the horizon. There were a few runners and cyclists and elders out to enjoy the air before the day truly started, and they continued to pass you as you waited for the sun.
A man out on a jog ran past you, only to stop dead in his tracks. He looked over his shoulder and saw you. The sky was bathed in shades of orange and pink, and you looked so beautiful among it. The wind was in your hair, your lips were slightly parted, and you were just staring out at the scenery in front of you while the man stared at the scenery before him.
When you ran your fingers through your hair to brush it back, he saw your eyes. Your eyes were red and puffy, and they were still filled with sadness. You were leaning a little too far over the railing, which also scared the shit out of him. He walked towards you and leaned onto the railing himself, startling you slightly, which made you take a step away from the railing.
“Hi,” he said with a beautiful smile.
“Hi…”
He turned his head and looked at the rising sun. He continued to look into the distance as he spoke.
“The sunrise is gorgeous, isn’t it?”
“Yeah… It is…”
“Did you know sunrises and sunsets are brighter after a rainstorm?”
He looked at you, and you shook your head in response— you didn’t know that. He turned his head back to the sky and looked at the universe with a smile. You stared at his side profile. He was handsome, and he looked so beautiful and radiant in the colors of the sunrise. It was as if the sun rose just for him.
“Rainstorms clear up the sky, so the colors are more vibrant because of the clear sky. Sometimes, it needs to rain so the colors can pop and be more lovely,” he explained. Then, he broke into a wide grin and looked at you again, his eyes turning into crescents. “Nature works in beautiful ways. It’s amazing.”
You were speechless. You stood and stared at the man and took in all of his beauty. Nature did work in beautiful ways because it created the sparkling, lovely person in front of you. His smile got softer as he turned to face you. He held his hand out and introduced himself.
“I’m Jung Wooyoung.”
You took his hand.
“Y/N.”
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You fell for Wooyoung. You fell hard. Every single moment with him was bright and happy, and you completely forgot about your heartbreak as you spent more and more time with him. You would go on cute dates like in the park or at the movie theatre— and the two of you would go movie hopping until you got kicked out— or to get ice cream or to an amusement park, but he would also take you to ultra fancy restaurants and rooftop bars and speakeasies. He was such a man of duality, having the cutest and most fun personality while also being a successful president of a company, but you loved it. You loved him.
One year flew by. In that one year, Wooyoung asked you to move in with him, and you did. Living with him was chaotic, but you expected that at the least because Wooyoung was chaotic and unpredictable, but always in a good way. You didn’t know how he was going to surprise you or make you laugh next.
On the second year anniversary of the first time the two of you met, you woke up to Wooyoung shaking you at five in the morning.
“Wooyoung, honey, I love you, but it is too early in the morning for this shit,” you grumbled as you turned in bed and pulled the blanket over your head.
“Please, pumpkin? Sweetie? Cutie? Baby? Lovely?” Wooyoung showered you with all the cute nicknames he had for you as he knelt by the side of the bed and kissed your face all over.
“Ugh, fine,” you complained, but you had the biggest smile on your face. “One of these days, your cute act is not going to work on me.”
“Well, today is not that day. So get up! Get dressed! Let’s go!”
“Get dressed?! At five in the morning?!” you were in complete disbelief.
“Believe me, you’ll be glad you did.”
Blinking the sleep out of your eyes, you looked at what Wooyoung was wearing. He was wearing the button-up you loved most on him along with the tie and tie clip you got him for his birthday. So, you wore clothes to match his… At five in the fucking morning.
He held your hand as the two of you walked through the city, the streetlights illuminating your path. It was still very dark outside. The two of you walked all the way to a bridge— the bridge where you first met. Your heart raced. And once you saw his friend standing in the middle of the bridge with a camera, you immediately got a sense of what Wooyoung was going to do.
Right at the middle of the bridge as the sun started to rise, Wooyoung got down on one knee. He held your hand. He told you how much he loved you and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life showering you with that love because you were everything to him. You cried. He took out the wedding ring, and you said yes. He kissed you, the sky red, orange, and pink. The pictures of the two of you before the sunrise turned out beautiful and vibrant. Nature really did work in beautiful ways.
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You sat on the couch in the living room reading through one of the bridal magazines your friend lent to you. After Wooyoung proposed, he said he wanted to get married sooner rather than later, so you decided to get married on the day you first kissed, which was four months after the first time you met.
“Hi, baby,” Wooyoung greeted you with a kiss when he got home from work.
“Welcome home, honey,” you said in response, Wooyoung’s lips immediately pulling into a wide grin.
“God, I love when you say that. It makes me feel like we’re already married,” he giggled.
Wooyoung set his bag down in the kitchen before immediately joining you on the couch. He hugged your waist and nuzzled his nose into the nook of your neck before his eyes shifted to see the magazine.
“You’d look beautiful in that dress, and that dress, and that one, and that,” Wooyoung said as he flipped through the pages. “Honestly, Y/N, you’re already so beautiful normally. The dress would just be a complete knockout for me. Don’t wear one.”
“What, you want me to marry you naked?” you teased him.
Wooyoung’s face went red— he was definitely imagining it. “No, because I don’t want anyone else looking at you naked. Only me.”
You giggled and kissed his cheek lightly, but that wasn’t enough for your fiancé. He kissed your lips. A passionate kiss. One that made your fingers and toes tingle. His fingers got tangled in your hair as he gripped your roots tightly, his kisses getting more intense with every passing second. He took the magazine out of your hands and tossed it behind him somewhere, your hands free to hold onto his shirt so you could work on the buttons. His shirt fell to the ground, then yours, and your pants and underwear flew off your bodies in record time.
Wooyoung had you pinned to the black leather couch. His lips trailed along your exposed skin, leaving light pink marks in their wake. You sighed pleasurably when Wooyoung kissed your neck, his hands kneading your breasts simultaneously. You felt his knee press between your legs and rub subtly, stimulating your clit. Tiny gasps and moans escaped you the more he played with your body.
While you enjoyed his foreplay, you wanted more from him. Your arms wrapped around his body and pulled him closer, silently telling him to fuck you. There was a slight smirk on Wooyoung’s face as he positioned himself and slowly entered you, making you gasp loudly.
“Shit, you’re so tight, baby…” Wooyoung sharply inhaled as he pushed himself all the way in.
Wooyoung moved slowly at first, the friction between his cock and your cunt making electricity zap through your nerves. He kept moving at that steady pace of his, but his waist hit yours powerfully every time, and you loved it.
“Mmm, f-feels good,” you barely managed to say before biting your lower lip and narrowing your eyes slightly.
“Fuck, baby… You can’t make that kind of sexy face and expect me to stay calm,” Wooyoung grunted.
“T-then go wild, honey. Fuck me… H-harder!”
His hands held onto your waist firmly as his tempo sped up. You clung onto his veiny arms as you head went back, the pleasure insurmountable. You watched his jaw clench the harder he slapped his hips into yours, your entire body lurching every time he thrust into you. You felt yourself nearly your orgasm as he sped up and slowed down almost randomly, your body unable to keep up with the change in pace.
“I’m gonna cum!” you cried.
Wooyoung immediately pulled out and rushed his middle two fingers into you, his fingers curling and running against your G-spot rapidly, bringing you to orgasm intensely and loudly as you screamed his name.
Mere seconds after the high of your orgasm faded, Wooyoung carefully entered you again, and after about two thrusts, he fucked you fast. His hold on your thighs got firmer, and you could hear his breathing get rougher and faster.
“Baby,” Wooyoung said breathlessly. “Can I cum inside?”
“Fill me up, honey,” you pulled him down by his shoulders. You bit his earlobe gently before whispering, “Give me every last drop of you.”
That did it for him. With one final slam, Wooyoung moaned loudly as he released his entire load inside you, his cock twitching as his seed kept filling you. When he pulled out, his cum leaked out of you, and Wooyoung loved to see it.
Seconds later, Wooyoung cleaned you and the couch up before wrapping a throw blankets around the two of you. You sat in his lap and held onto his shoulder while combing your fingers through the hair on the back of his head. Meanwhile, he traced patterns along your waist and stomach as he told you, “This, this, this… All this. All for me. No one else gets to see it. Only me.”
He leaned into you and trailed his fingertips from the top of your forehead, down your nose, and to your lips.
“And these are exclusively mine. Forever.”
“I’m all yours forever, honey,” you agreed.
Wooyoung cupped your face and kissed you tenderly. You could feel him smile against your lips, making you smile in the process. He moved away slightly and gazed lovingly at you while whispering, “God, I love you so much, Y/N.”
“I love you too, Wooyoung.”
With a final kiss, Wooyoung got off the couch and pulled on his boxers, roaming the apartment in just his boxers. You watched his butt from the couch and bit your lower lip while imagining taking a bite of his ass.
“Hey, eyes up here,” Wooyoung snapped his fingers and gestured to his eyes.
“Sorry,” you said while not really meaning it. “You have a fine ass, babe.”
“I know that,” he replied while smacking his ass.
You laughed and turned away, your eyes landing on the bridal magazine on the ground. You picked it up and opened it back up to the page you left off on. Wooyoung messed around in the kitchen and began to cook dinner while wearing only boxers.
“Honey, if you’re going to cook like that, you might as well just wear an apron and ditch the boxers,” you teased.
“Buy me a “kiss the chef” apron, and maybe I’ll do it.”
You snickered and returned to your magazine as Wooyoung continued to cook.
“By the way, my friends told me that my best man is going to “kidnap me” for the bachelor party. Just wanted to let you know in case he leaves a ransom note for you.”
“Sounds fun,” you laughed. “Oh, wait… Who is your best man, anyway? You never told me.”
“My best friend from college. San.”
You immediately clutched the magazine hard, the pages getting crumpled in your tight grip, and your heart dropped. You must’ve heard him wrong, or maybe someone else shares the same name because, surely, it’s not… San… Like your former lover San…
“I, um… I’ve never met him?”
“Well, we lost contact right after we graduated, then he went to his hometown because he had to take care of some stuff at home, so he’s been there for a while now… Three years, maybe? But, yeah, we made a pact in college to be each other’s’ best man, so he’s my best man for our wedding.”
You nearly tore the magazine in half. The San Wooyoung was talking about was, in fact, the man who was once the love of your life.
“That’s nice… That he kept his promise…” you said slowly, unsure of what to say because your mind was reeling, and not going to lie, you were getting kind of dizzy. “Well, have fun. I mean, when he kidnaps you… For the party— Um, what day is that, again?”
“Next Thursday.”
“Got it…” you nodded; at least you knew when to not be at home.
Wooyoung hummed cheerily in the kitchen as he continued to obliviously make dinner while you sat on the couch, your heart racing, and your mind spinning just remembering the man you loved deeply, the man that got up and left, the man that broke your heart.
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You did a good job of avoiding Wooyoung and his groomsmen until the day of the wedding. Wooyoung didn’t expect a thing because your friends would whisk you away in the name of some wedding mishap, but they couldn’t do that for you at the actual wedding itself. You just had to figure out a way to avoid making eye contact with him and avoid being left alone with him.
You stood on the bridal raiser and smoothed out your dress before turning and checking the back of your dress to the best of your ability. You were all alone in the dressing room by that point because your bridesmaids and mother ran out— they were putting the finishing touches on all the small little details (which you didn’t really care about but they cared a whole lot so you gave them your blessing to go do what they needed to do).
Hanging on the mirror in front of you was your veil. You totally forgot about your veil. You picked it up and attempted to put it in your hair by yourself without messing up your hair. You nearly ruined your hair entirely when the door to the room opened and closed suddenly.
“Hey, Woo, I’ve got the rings and—”
You turned to see your fiancé’s best man. The two of you froze. You locked eyes and stared at each other, your heart sinking.
“No way…” you whispered to yourself.
Your fingers went numb, and you dropped the veil. You continued to stare at him as San smiled at you. His smile was still gorgeous, and he still had those beautiful dimples that you loved so fucking much. Your heart clenched as you observed him act as if everything was okay.
“Hi, Y/N. It’s been a while.”
You remained silent.
“You look nice… Very beautiful.”
“Um, thank you…”
San walked towards you slowly. You desperately wanted to move away, but you were frozen in place. He stood right before you and picked up the fallen veil before offering you his hand to help you off the bridal raiser— he seemed to realize that you were stuck up there. You hesitantly placed your hand in his and carefully stepped down from the raiser, only to forget that you were wearing heels. Your heel immediately tipped to the side as you got down, making you fall right into his arms.
San caught you securely and wrapped his arms around you while you tried to get your footing again, the veil falling to the ground once again. Despite the fact that you regained your balance and tried to move away from him, the man still hugged you tightly.
“San,” you choked out, his name foreign on your tongue. “San, let go…”
“Can we please just… let’s stay here a little longer…”
You let out a tiny, sad sigh. You felt awkward with his arms just around you and you standing still, so you (made a huge mistake and) hugged him back lightly at first. You didn’t realize how familiar his hugs would feel after three years of not seeing him and you found yourself sinking into his embrace. You missed his broad shoulders, the way he would press his head gently against yours, the way his fingers would press gently into the small of your back, and the way he smelled. God, he always smelled so wonderful, and that smell brought you back to three years ago when he made you the happiest person alive, bringing tears to your eyes. You did your best to suppress the tears, though, because your goddamn bridal makeup— you couldn’t ruin that.
Your shoulders trembled as you choked back your sobs, and San noticed that. He loosened his arms around you and leaned away slightly to see your face and notice the tears in the corners of your eyes. He cradled your face as he frowned slightly, his trembling thumbs dabbing the tears— he also knew not to mess up your makeup.
“Y/N, don’t cry,” he whispered.
“San…” your voice wavered.
He pressed his lips together, his own eyes starting to water. “Angel, don’t cry,” he said hoarsely.
You thought that him calling you by that nickname would make you upset, but it made your heart flutter. You blinked several times hoping to clear the tears without them rolling down your face as you looked up at San’s face. However, his affectionate gaze brought tears back to your eyes.
“You’re so beautiful, Y/N… You haven’t changed a bit…”
Your lower lip quivered, and you were about to start crying, but San didn’t want to let that happen. He dried your tears and kissed you immediately. It was a light kiss at first, but you missed him so much, and he with you. You held onto his arms tightly as you kissed him back, unable to get enough of him. And when he moved his hands from your face to around you, you moved your hands to his shoulders and just wanted him to whisk you away right then and there.
The entire world faded. In that moment it was just you and your lost lover. Just him holding you brought you back to your younger self when you and San were in love and happy. You fit so snuggly in his warm embrace as if you were two puzzle pieces meant to be pressed together— you felt so right with him.
Slowly, the kisses got more intense, more frantic. He let go of you to pull his suit jacket off, but he made sure to leave his lips with you. When his hands returned to your waist, you untied his bowtie and began unbuttoning his shirt. By the time San reached for the zipper on your dress, you were nearly done with the buttons, and just as your dress strap fell off your shoulder, someone knocked on the door, completely startling the two of you.
“Baby?” Wooyoung asked, happiness exuding from his voice. “Your mom wants to know if you need help with the veil!”
“N-no! I got it!”
“Okay, see you soon! I love you!”
You were completely pulled out of your daydream with San and came crashing down into the real world, your heart shattering into a million pieces. You pushed San away lightly and put the dress strap back on without making eye contact with him. You turned away from him and walked towards the mirror where your veil laid on the ground. You had to get ready for your wedding.
“San, we can’t be doing this,” you told him without turning around. “It’s too late. I’m getting married, and I’m getting married to your best friend for crying out loud! And I—”
“I know, Y/N, but… I need you to know that I never stopped loving you.”
“San, you lost your chance. I’m in love with Wooyoung, now.”
“Yeah… I made a mistake,” San said— you heard the hurt in his voice. “Leaving you was the biggest mistake I ever made.”
You turned to look at him, your eyes burning as they filled to the brim with tears. “Then why did you do it, San?”
With a heavy exhale, San ran his fingers through his hair and took a seat on one of the couches in the room. He rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together as he stared at the ground.
“For the past three years, all I did was take care of my family. My friends would text me, but I never had the time or energy to respond. I was completely alone… And I knew that if I was still with you, we definitely wouldn’t have lasted because of how inaccessible I was.”
As he talked, you approached him and sat next to him. You, too, looked down at the ground as he continued.
“I never stopped thinking about you. I always wanted to text you back when you texted me saying you missed me, but I was scared… I didn’t want to give either of us false hope. And then, you stopped texting me, so I knew you moved on, and I didn’t want to ruin whatever happiness you had.”
You gingerly placed your hand on his, gripping his hand as you listened to and understood his justification.
“When Wooyoung sent the engagement photos, I was shocked,” he let out a little laugh. “I realized I never told him about you when we were together, and I never got to talk to him about his relationship with you because I distanced myself from everything. I actually told him that I couldn’t be his best man, so he actually hunted me down and wore me down, using our college days against me.”
San moved his hands away from yours and covered his face to let out a shuddering sigh.
“I love you so much, Y/N… I can’t believe I let you go,” he said, nearly sobbing.
Your heart clenched. You wrapped your arms around him and hugged him, hoping that he would stop crying because seeing him cry was too much for you to handle. San hugged you back and sniffled while whispering into your ear, “I’m sorry, Y/N… I wish I never had to leave you… I love you.”
You moved away from him and cupped his face— it was your turn to dry his tears. You smiled sadly at him as you said, “I never stopped loving you, too, San. I’m sorry things turned out this way… I just hope that someday you’ll find someone who can do for you what Wooyoung did for me.”
Innocently, you leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, but San turned his head right at that moment, and your lips briefly reconnected with his. You gazed into his eyes and held your breath— no matter what you said, and no matter how much you loved Wooyoung, you still had deep feelings for San. So, when he kissed your lips lightly again, and then again, and again, you let him. Your Superego begged you to stop, but the Id and your libido had more control over you. When San dropped his head and trailed kisses down your neck, you gasped, your head tilting back in response.
“W-wait, San,” you whispered and moved away slightly. “We can’t do this.”
“Just give me one last time, angel.”
“But—” San cut you off by kissing you, and you immediately caved.
You clung to him and continued to let him kiss your lips until they were raw. Both straps of your dress completely slipped off your shoulder and exposed your bare breasts. San, his lips leaving yours, stood up and helped you out of your wedding dress before delicately draping it over a chair and then doing the same with his dress shirt. He then locked the door and turned most of the lights off before rejoining you and pinning you down on the sofa, the two of you kicking off your shoes before you continued.
You wrapped your arms around him and ran your fingers through his hair on the back of his head. His tongue slipped into your mouth and danced along with your tongue, he pressed his chest against yours, and he held onto your waist and thigh, bringing your thigh up to wrap around his waist. Your pants started getting louder in between the kisses, and you were breathing heavily when San released your lips to remove his pants and underwear.
It had been so long that you forgot San’s size. You couldn’t help but look at him in fear as his stiff, red, throbbing dick rested on your stomach. Meanwhile, he looked at you anxiously.
“I don’t have a condom…” he whispered.
“That’s okay… Cum inside, though. It’ll make it easier to clean up.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Sannie. I’m on the pill.”
You said his nickname without giving it a second thought, and hearing yourself say it made your heart hurt all over again, but before you could cry about it, San left you with a mind-blowing kiss. He gently rubbed the tip of his cock up and down your folds slowly, making you wetter so that when he entered you, it wouldn’t be so painful. Yet, he still took you by surprise when he thrust into you, and you did your best to not moan or gasp loudly.
“Does it hurt?” he asked you quietly.
“No,” you breathed out.
“Will you be okay if I start moving?”
You nodded. Hands holding your waist, San moved slowly at first, and every time his hips would slap against yours, you’d let out a little whimper, your heart longing for San despite the fact that he was right there. The closer his upper body got to you, the faster his thrusts got. You bit your finger to keep from crying out loud as the pleasure rapidly increased. San, however, did not want you to bite your finger. He didn’t want you to get hurt. So, he kissed you continuously even with the two of you shifting on the couch with every thrust.
San caressed your hair. You wrapped your arms and legs around his body. You held onto him tightly as his cock rubbed against your G-spot continuously. His kisses were less of a continuous string the closer the two of you got to your climax. His breathing in between each kiss was getting shallower. He was biting back his own groans, the two of you just letting out smaller, sharper breaths as he thrusted into you hard. His waist slammed into yours hard as the two of you came at the same time. San bit his lower lip to suppress his pleasureful groan while you opted to bite the inside of your cheek.
The two of you panted heavily as the high of your orgasms wore off. You both remained stationary as you brought your eyes to meet his. You knew the regret and the guilt would set in later, but in that moment, you just wanted to be with San for as long as humanly possible. You desperately wanted to be able to cuddle with him and whisper sweet nothings to each other as you drifted into a comfortable sleep. But, that could only happen in the past. That could’ve only happen years ago before San left you.
San pulled out slowly and immediately grabbed the tissue box so he could clean you up. You sat up and caressed San’s cheek, willing him to look at you once again. You kissed him softly for a brief, beautiful moment, until you had to return to reality.
“I love you, San.”
“I love you, Y/N.”
He kissed the top of your head gently. Then, you had to tear yourself away from him. You both got dressed quickly. You took one more fleeting glance at him before you turned away from him, the two of you silently acknowledging the situation. You sat in front of the vanity and looked down at your lap as San carefully made his way out of the room. The door closed gently behind you, and a tear slipped out of your eye.
Wooyoung knocked on the door again to check in on you, and you asked him to send your maid of honor and mother. When they saw the disheveled state you were in, they bombarded you with questions, and you lied for every answer like saying you cried reading over your vow to Wooyoung, or that your hair was messed up because the veil refused to work with you. You felt incredibly guilty doing so, but it was truly the best option considering that you were to get married to the man that you love now in the next couple of hours. Luckily, the makeup artist and hair stylist were able to fix you up quickly and get you ready to walk down the aisle.
You were able to go through the rest of the wedding normally, the only thing— the only person— on your mind being Wooyoung. He was completely head over heels when he saw you walk down the aisle in your wedding gown. He vowed to keep you happy and laughing and to make sure you always felt loved, and you cried. Maybe it was because of the vow, maybe because of the guilt, or maybe a mix of the two; but regardless, Wooyoung dried the tears from your face with the beautiful smile that you fell for, the first smile of his you ever saw, on his face.
When Wooyoung was allowed to kiss the bride, and the two of you shared your first kiss as a married couple, you didn’t have to look at San to know that he was smiling and clapping for the two of you with complete sadness in his eyes. You didn’t need to look at him to know that he was hurting because, truth be told, you were hurting a little as well.
You forgot about the speeches at the reception until your father stood up and started talking, and sorrow paralyzed your body. After your father, your maid of honor spoke, and then the best man. You could barely keep your eyes on San as he stood up to speak.
“Wooyoung and I made a pact that we would be each other’s’ best men back when we were in college, but the thing is, I never thought I’d have to hold up my end of the deal.”
Everyone at the wedding party laughed, and you had to force one, especially when San turned to face the bride and groom with a beautiful smile on his face, his dimples as clear as day.
“But, seeing him here today with Y/N and… Seeing how in love the two of them are… I know that this relationship was meant to be, and I know that you’ll always keep her happy and smiling, Wooyoung.”
Your heart twisted into a knot. You covered your mouth as tears threatened to spill out of your eyes. Wooyoung, noticing your tears, held your free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as he smiled softly at you.
“I know I don’t have to say this, but Wooyoung, cherish Y/N. She is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Give her all of the love in the world because she deserves that and so much more, and Y/N…” San cleared his throat, the smile barely holding up. He made complete eye contact with you as he said, “Wooyoung is the luckiest guy in the world to find someone who loves him so much… I’m happy that you two found each other… And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.”
He turned away from you and held his champagne flute in the air.
“Cheers!”
San took his seat, and he couldn’t help but look at you from the corner of his eye. Wooyoung had his arm over your shoulder and he was whispering happily to you, the tears on your face disappearing as Wooyoung made you smile and laugh. Wooyoung kissed your cheek and hugged you closer, and San had to look away, his heart breaking, his heart broken.
424 notes · View notes
hwaslayer · 3 months
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crimson (cs) | one shot teaser.
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—summary: life has always revolved around the club, the money, the clients— that is, until a first-time experience changes everything for san, for you; causing lines to be blurred, boundaries that are crossed. he didn’t think he’d get wrapped around your finger, falling deep into your spell. after all, he did become your number one client.
—pairing: choi san x stripper!reader
—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers to lovers, nightclub au | smut, angst
—general warnings: protected/unprotected sex, cussing/mature language, nightclub/stripper club scene, lap dances, pole dancing, alcohol consumption, intoxication, more detailed warnings will be listed on release.
—release: DEC 30 @ 7:30 pm PT; find full fic here
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—on rotation: agora hills - doja cat | anywhere - 112 | all night long - thuy & lil kev | IT's you - wooyoung, san & yeosang
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“You know my name?” He says, hands comfortably coming up your body, giving your breasts a squeeze. His hand runs up your neck, to your jaw— gently forcing you to keep eye contact with him as you continue to dance on him. He’s entranced by you that he doesn’t really know what else to say, or how to react. But god, do you feel amazing on him. That body, too? Heavenly.
“Your friends have been yelling it all night.” You stand and straddle him in the opposite direction, legs wrapped around his torso as you lean forward and bounce on his dick a little more. San can’t help but run his hands down your ass, giving it a good squeeze before you come back up and pry yourself off of him to head to the pole in front of him.
“Fair enough. What’s your name then, beautiful?” You look at him, ignoring the question at first. But, San feels a little different than your usual customers, feels a bit more personal even though you don’t know anything about him nor does he know anything about you. It’s the way that he looks at you, focused on your face, your every move. It’s the way that it’s a room full of dancers and he’s stuck on you. Most men are in the club to fill a void; seeking for quick satisfaction, something that’ll eventually blow over until the next visit. But, it’s nothing more than that. You are nothing more than a dancer, nothing more than a face on stage— someone who collects their bills and runs.
But to San, you feel different.
Before you look into him too deeply, you quickly snap out of it and begin to twirl around the pole, doing your usual routine when you’re in the VIP booth. You fall into a split, hand coming down from the pole, down to your body.
San follows.
“My name?” You repeat, and San nods.
“Is that not a normal question here?”
“No one ever gives out their real names here.” You chuckle.
“Then, what’s your stage name?” Time passes when you’re dancing. Usually, you give them 30 mins tops, 45 mins if they keep sending big bills your way. But, you never try to spend more than that with the same person. Not in this community. With the hundreds San’s friend handed you, you would’ve stopped at 15 minutes if this were anyone else.
You’re closing in 20– probably will be 30 when you blink— but you don’t really wanna stop giving San this attention. He’s attractive, fitting his button-up and slacks in all the right places. He has black short hair, a few strands draping over his forehead, a pretty Rolex sitting on his wrist. You think he could handle you if you gave him the chance, and the thought is enough to make your brain short-circuit.
“Crimson.” He smirks, running his finger across his bottom lip while he continues to watch you bounce your ass on the stage. He thinks you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on— the bodysuit doing your body wonders as it makes his mind wander to the unknown.
To what you would look like naked, to have you underneath him, to have you calling his name.
He’s been glued to you from the start and he’s not sure what kind of spell you have him under, but he wants more.
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ennysbookstore · 2 months
Text
The Art of Climbing the Corporate Ladder Part II (San x Reader)
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Summary: With the newfound information about who San really is, your relationship comes to a screeching halt. Situations at the office grow more and more awkward, and each interaction is laced with uncomfortable bitterness. It breaks San's heart, and he knows he has to win you back. But can he?
Word Count: 14.48k (again somehow??)
Genre/Warnings: smut (mdni!!!) slowest of slowburns, strangers to friends to lovers, touch-starved!reader x attentive!san, but more importantly: heavy dose of angst, some fluff, soft sex, protected sex (we put condoms on in this household), multiple orgasms, aftercare, San is so caring and gentle (one chance choi san please), reader experiences an anxiety attack, mentions of alcohol, mentions of death, reader overwork herself, poor attempts at comedy lol, sprinkles of Wooyoung being a menace, Yunho being cute, and last but not least barista!yeosang
Author's Note: Please ignore my inability to write a comprehensive summary lmao. I had several assignments due today and decided it was the best time to edit this entire part AGAIN in one go. So here she is!!! (I did get my assignments done dw lol) The support I've gotten for part one is so overwhelmingly amazing 😭 Thank you once again to everyone who's supported this fic by liking, commenting, and reblogging <3 Please let me know what you think of part two! I'm really proud of the amount of work I've put into taccl, and would love to hear your thoughts!!!
🎧 playlist 🎧: dean: die 4 you 🐈‍⬛ tabber: being 🐈‍⬛ yerin baek: interlude 🐈‍⬛ bibi: hongdae r&b 🐈‍⬛ OoOo: fuxxin' love 🐈‍⬛ so!yoon!: love (a secret visitor) 🐈‍⬛ sogumm & keumbee: salt rain
This is a work of fiction, and it is not meant to be a realistic representation of any real person mentioned in any way, shape, or form.
Lushpin’s excited expression at the news replays in your mind. So does the chairman’s giddy one, Wooyoung’s shocked one, and Ms. Daisy’s disappointed one. But the one that wouldn’t leave was San’s ashamed one. As if he knew. As if he had known all this time.
Whatever the chairman may have said after in between the confused applause that came from the crowd, you were struggling to recall now days later, because you had done what you do best. Evade.
You evaded when your ex left, your thoughts and feelings reserved inside the thinnest glass bottle kept safe in the most fragile glass cupboard that was your heart. It was stupid of you to think that San would be any different. 
When a faint ringing had begun in your ears, you had blinked away the surprise quickly and escaped the suffocating floor with your head kept low. Outside, the early spring weather was chilly, but as the cold air filled your lungs, you were able to keep your tears at bay until you reached your somehow colder apartment. 
Then, the dam broke. 
In the empty silence of your apartment, tears flowed down your face without a sound. More fell and some more after that. Then, when the torrent of anger surged, you start sobbing, loudly and unforgivingly. Despite the ache in your shoulders, you stooped down to remove the dark red shoes and toss them as far away from you as you could, ridding yourself of the fresh memories they carried.
The remainder of your night is spent collapsed and crumpled in your bed as a ceaseless supply of tears stain your pillows. You cry for the three years you spent with your ex. You cry for the past year you worked yourself to the bone. You cry for the dedication you put into your company. You cry for the fact that San was merely a boy, just an undeniable truth you’d come to ignore over the past few weeks. You cry and cry and cry. The cascading convergence of sorrow and pain lulls you to a cathartic sleep.
The next day, it doesn’t surprise you when you wake up with a high fever, throbbing headache, and sore throat. You swiftly call out of work and spend the day in bed. You do the same for the day after and the day after that. Days blurred into each other as you continued your self-imposed exile, wandering aimlessly through your gutted apartment in search of something, anything, to get rid of. When you’re able to come up with nothing, you slump down onto your cold couch. 
In the middle of the week, you decide to take the rest of the week for yourself. But it wasn’t for yourself, it was for your rampant thoughts. Without the distraction of tasks to complete and deadlines to meet, you realize you weren’t a person you’d come to like. You had become a stranger to yourself, and in the pursuit of working for a company that you were replaceable to, you had dropped everything else. Everything that made you human. New recipes were left unexplored, the thrill of discovering new places was gone, and you weren’t even sure if you could remember the last time you’d indulged in a hobby. 
This epiphany brings tears to your red-rimmed eyes once again on Sunday night. It wasn’t merely about losing the person you’d thought about marrying or working endlessly, it was about losing touch with the essence of who you were. In your sickened state, the clarity hit you forcefully— this couldn’t continue. You couldn’t neglect and abandon yourself like this. 
You remember San’s solemnly whispered words. There are things outside of work.
*****
You’re here too early. Way too early, even for you. Standing in front of your building after a week makes you suddenly feel queasy, just as you did on the night of Lushpin’s retirement party. The swirling winds and slight downpour of the dawn don’t help your worsening mood. Taking a deep breath, you turn around. 
The golden light from the cafe across the street pulls you in. Filtered. You’re surprised it’s open, and even more surprised when there’s a good amount of people inside. 
Your wet shoes roughly scrape against the thick cloth mats at the entrance. The cool air of the downpour greets the warmth of the building as the door opens and closes. The aroma of sugary coffee coats your throat as you inhale deeply and observe the café. 
Behind the register, a several meters long chalkboard is colored with a wide variety of teas, coffees and sandwiches, some accompanied with sketches. The clinking of utensils and constant hissing and release of espresso machines suggests a busy day for the young barista behind the counter. Yellow lantern lights string in diagonal rows across the high ceilings of the café. Green foliage loops around the lights and hangs limply above tables. The rows of brown cushioned chairs and booths occupy the early morning risers of the city.
In awe at the interior, you stand still on the mat, eyeing the menu from your place. With your throat still scratchy from the week before, you swallow painfully before going over the options. The fizzing wheeze of espresso machines and pouring of the steaming milk settle softly into your ears, and you breathe out a peaceful sigh. Why haven’t you come here before?
“Hey!” a familiar voice calls out. Next to you, along the windows, you spot Yunho sitting on a wooden bench with a steaming ceramic mug and an open journal. He scoots over to make some room for you. Finally moving off the mat, you step towards him.
“Hi,” you sit next to him on the bench, leaving several inches between the two of you.
“It’s nice to see you again,” Yunho says, following your reserved movements. 
“You, too,” you say, setting your bag down on the raised countertop. Outside, the cars splash rainwater onto the sidewalks and splatter against the windows of the café. “Isn’t this place a bit of a drive for you?”
“Yeah,” Yunho shrugs, “but I figure I might as well start finding a spot if I’m going to be spending more time in this part of town.” He sips from his mug, “And this place might just take the cake. Literally,” he moves his journal aside to reveal a small dish with a half-eaten slice of crumbling coffee cake. He takes another sip before taking a large bite and adds, “Besides, you can’t beat the convenience,” he nods over to your office building across the street. 
“Yeah,” you sigh. You swallow the discomfort in your throat and turn back to look at the menu. “Any recommendations?”
Yunho turns next to you and quickly eyes the chalked menu. As you clear your throat, a painful cough escapes with it. “You doing okay?”
“Just recovering from a cold, I’m fine,” you let him know. 
Yunho doesn’t push and rubs his chin, jokingly, “So you’ll be sticking with tea then?”
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” you chuckle with a smile.
Soon after, you’re sitting with hot peppermint ginseng tea next to Yunho watching the awakening city. The rain lets up a little, but the number of people heading to work only increases. Through the window, you watch suited men and women sip at their to-go drinks and schedule the rest of their day over the phone. 
Your thoughts loom like the clouds overhead, and before you’re able to send yourself down the depressing path you’d somehow escaped from just a few days ago, Yunho speaks up. 
“I was hoping to run into you last week here,” he closes his journal and places the plate with the cake on top of it. 
“Yeah… I took some time off,” you blow on your tea. It wasn’t entirely untrue and Yunho doesn’t question it, so you taste the hot tea. The honeyed liquid slides smoothly down your throat and provides some much needed relief.
“Must’ve been one hell of a cold.”
You scoff lightly, “You have no idea.” You eye his delicious-looking coffee cake, suddenly hungry, but clear your throat again. “How much time will you be spending with us?”
“Hmm, I’m not sure, but you’ll definitely be seeing my face a couple times a week. It’s not tentative for the time being, but I’ll be handling the collaborative aspects of the project while Stevey handles the work back at TechTots.”
“Stevey? What happened to Danny?” 
Yunho is much easier to talk to without the overshadowing presence of Danny, and you find yourself admitting that to him along with your anxiousness with his old co-manager.
“Danny? Danny the dick? Yeah, no wonder you were stressed,” Yunho laughs, gulping down the rest of his drink. “I think you’ll be happy to know that Danny's been fired. It’d been a long time coming, anyways. For someone who didn’t like kids, it sure was a strange place to work.”
You breathe out a light laugh. “Is that a requirement for working at TechTots? You have to like kids?”
Yunho reciprocates your laughter and says, “Well, I guess not totally if Danny got a job there, but I’d say it should at least be on the list of reasons you want to apply there.”
A speeding car splashes water loudly against the window of the café, and the boom of the barista’s voice calling out an order rings throughout the space.
“I actually did,” you confess after some moments. Out of your periphery, you catch Yunho's lips curling into a surprised smile. You had given this piece of information out to more people than you had ever expected to, but you take his surprise lightly and continue. “It was a while ago, but I had gotten in and everything.”
Yunho shifts to face you, finishing off the last bits of his coffee cake. “So how’d you end up here? I mean, I get why you did, we didn’t have half the man-power we do now a couple of years ago, but still,” he questions. 
“Just the circumstances,” you don’t bother clarifying, sipping on the minty tea.
“Are they different now?”
You look at him confused.
“The circumstances, are they different now?”
“Of course,” you laugh out. “I mean, I had just graduated university then and didn’t know what I was doing, so yes, the circumstances are definitely different now,” you tell him with a smile.
“So, what’s stopping you from applying again?” he nonchalantly asks. 
Your smile falters, and another car splashes the rainwater against the window. The remnants of the headache from the week before make themselves known. 
“I’m just saying, I hung on to some of the alternative designs you dropped off, and I think you’d fit in with us well,” Yunho shrugs. 
You just hum in response and sip your tea, ignoring the throbbing in your head. There are things outside of work.
*****
Upon your entrance on the 22nd floor, you weren’t sure what to expect, shrouded in a veil of uncertainty. Yunho had ridden the elevator up with you, but gotten off earlier on the 18th floor. Alone, you tried to push down the nagging queasiness that had returned. 
You were still early, but there were a scattered number of employees already at their desks, the floor humming with activity. Taking a deep breath and trying to summon the courage buried deep within, you pushed open the door. A couple of greetings and welcome backs were shot your way, and you responded with your usual polite nods. Your spotless desk looked as if you’d never left. It was clear of everything except for the disrupting cat bank toy that sat tucked under your computer. 
You sit down heavily. Just last week, you had been preparing to say good-bye to this desk. Your eyes flicker over to what used to be Lushpin’s office. Now, through the lowered blinds, you could make out a neatly aligned row of figurines. 
You look back at your desk. The cat bank toy seemed to mock you, and in a bitterly spontaneous decision, you decide to shove it in your top drawer before anyone else can look at it ever again, mentally reminding yourself to return it sooner rather than later.
With a swallow, you power on your computer and start making your way through updates and emails, and the work comes easily, almost as if you’d never left. Time passes as it does, and you fall back into the comfort of your repetitive tasks.
The minute the clock above the water dispenser displayed 9:00 am, the door to the floor swung open and in came San.
It was as if he’d gone through a metamorphosis in the week’s span of your absence. He looked bigger, stronger, sharper. The glasses on his face accentuated his cutting features. He had suddenly grown into the role and was no longer boyish. The dark gray suit he was wearing was well-made and tailored, no part too long, no part too short, and no lone threads, and it draped on his body like a second-skin. He had achieved the seasoned look he had been trying to imitate some weeks back and was effortlessly embracing his new role.
On the way to his new office, he caught your eyes and widened his own in surprise. Before a smile could even grace his lips, you turn back to the computer and click through your open tabs in an attempt to look busy.
You can hear the murmured gossip behind you as San closes the door to his office, and when you look up, you see your co-workers’ pitied and sorrowful smiles. You train your eyes to the computer screen and try your hardest to focus on responding to late emails.
You feel a pair of hands slap down on your desk.“Oh my god, are you a sight for sore eyes,” Wooyoung dramatically whines, the data analyst snickering behind him. 
You send them both a soft smile, and after sending each other a knowing look, they drag your chair over to their desks. 
“Let’s get you caught up,” Wooyoung says, plopping down into his chair across from you. The data analyst opens a journal full of notes, scratches and bulleted points. “We’ve got a lot of material to cover.”
And it was a lot of material, indeed. From the messy journal page, you learn of the uncomfortable tensions that had settled into the office after the promotion announcement. Ms. Daisy’s loud and resonating voice could be heard throughout all the floors of the building when she had begun to rip into the unaffected board of directors days after the party. The lack of balance between the employees. The sensitive environment.
“‘It’s just business’ that’s all they said. Can you believe them?” the data analyst scoffs with a roll of her eyes. 
“Yeah, and turns out it was Lushpin’s idea. That motherfucker. If I had known he’d been planning this, I would’ve up and left before this project ever started,” Wooyoung whispers to you angrily. 
The throbbing in your head was more prominent, and you were trying to absorb the information that Wooyoung was throwing at you the best you could. 
“… So?” 
“So what, Wooyoung?” you sigh, leaning back in your chair.
“Will you leave?” he searches for the answer on your overwhelmed and exhausted face. “Because if you leave, we’re both coming with you, no matter where you go.”
With another sigh, you look at the two of their eager faces. “I… I don’t know. Not yet, anyways.”
Wooyoung’s words leave you fatigued and the growing pain in your head and throat feels unbearable, and soon enough, when lunch hour rolls around, your condition only worsens. You stay at your desk, gripping the corners of your table as the rest of the employees file out. 
Your feverish state was only emphasizing the sorry looks and comments thrown your way by the exiting co-workers . Your head continues to throb, and the ache in your throat sharpens. You thought you surely must have run out of tears after the crying you did last week, but your body shocks you as your eyes wet once again. 
You had to get out of here. 
With an abrupt push of your chair, you stand. Your choppy movements were paid no mind to the few employees still on the floor as you tucked in your chair and walked out the floor with heavy breaths and head hung low. 
You rushed out the room and made your way briskly to the spare room. As you’re squeezing yourself into your spot, you try to regulate your quick breathing. It felt as if you were breathing through a swirly plastic straw.
Unbeknownst to you, San had watched through the partially open blinds of his office. And followed. 
He stumbles into the spare room behind you, squeezing through the piles of cardboard and steel. When you slump down onto the box chair, San stops a few steps back. He watches you take in big gulps of air.
He softens his steps as he moves closer. “Are you okay?”
Your head whips in his direction. San stands only a foot or two away from you and fiddles with his fingers. You didn’t want to see him now, and you most definitely did not want to talk to him. Despite your better judgment, you quickly shoot up and start to leave.
With San still standing in the way, you struggle to move past him in the tight, narrow space. 
Laughter at the opening door of the room makes you stop. A man stands in the doorway, deep in conversation with someone else outside your line-of-view.
In the cramped space, San’s chest bumps into your head. You panic and gasp at the contact. “I’m sorry,” San whispers and attempts to move back, but stops when he realizes there’s no space to move back into. He tries to shuffle his feet to the side to give you more room. He was still being so watchful, but at his constant movement, your breathing quickens, and you place a hand on your heart to calm yourself. 
“Please stop moving,” you quietly plead.
At your suffocated and troubled voice, San stops and looks down at you. Your hand clutches down over your heart, making your elbow jut out between your body and San’s. Your elbow becomes the only part of you that’s touching him, but you can still feel his soft breath against your cheek. The warm and chocolatey smell from his cologne is dizzying.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats.
“I, I think I’m having—” you take quick, short breaths and clasps your blouse tighter. You try to regulate your breathing the best you can but your chest is hammering and your shaking hands are doing nothing to stop it.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in this space with San. I don’t want to work here anymore. Why is this happening? I want this to stop. I am not enough. I haven’t been enough. Did I truly think I would ever be enough? I’m a joke. I deserve this. 
San couldn’t see the racing thoughts inside of your head, but your panicked expression, tight grip on your blouse, and your uneven breaths worried him. He quickly looked over to the door, but whoever was standing there wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon. Being caught here with you while you’re like this wasn’t going to help either of you. He takes one quick look at your hyperventilating form, and with much hesitation, he tells you, “I’m going to hug you, okay?”
His words don’t register, and you start to feel tears filling in your eyes. You are not enough, you haven’t been enough for me for a while. Your lip trembles as a tear makes its way down your heated cheek. Crying at work? You’re pathetic.
At your tears, San quickly wraps one arm around your shoulders and with the other, he strokes your hair, trying to ground you. “Here, breathe with me, breathe in” he says, his calm voice weaving through your hair. With his other hand wrapped around your shoulder, he taps his pinkie on your upper arm five times breathing in and says, “Now out,” with a deep exhale. 
When San’s arms envelop you in a tight hug, the compression helps you take your first big breath, and your lungs fill with the cool air of the office. His consistent tapping fingers and low guiding words slow you down and reorient yourself. You stay in his arms for a long time, and he lets you, tapping his finger continuously. San doesn’t let his tight hold go, but you can feel his form relaxing when you start breathing out into his neck. 
You regain control of your senses slowly. As the tears subside, you’re able to see the expanse of San’s back in his dark suit. You see the steel shelves and the towers of cardboard boxes behind him. You smell the chocolate of San’s cologne again and breathe it in deeper. You taste the remnants of the minty tea from earlier, and you realize how dry your throat is. You hear the hearty laughs of whoever was standing in the doorway. 
But you feel everything. Your drying eyes, your cold fingertips, your hot ears, San’s wettened collar, San’s warm arms, San’s tapping fingers, San’s stroking hand in your hair, San’s breath on your neck, San’s strong thighs, San’s heartbeat against yours, San. 
Just for a few minutes longer, your body begs.
You realize the position you’re in. When he notices your much calmer stature, he lets out a relieved sigh. He doesn’t let go and instead, nuzzles his head further into your neck. His gentle strokes at your head and taps on your arm don’t stop either. 
“Ms. Daisy told me you caught a pretty rough cold,” he exhales. You’re momentarily left confused. His tone is calming, but what he’s saying to you isn’t how you envisioned your first conversation after coming back. 
“I wish you would’ve told me you were sick. I could’ve brought you some soup or something,” he adds. You know, my mother’s soup recipe—”
You clear your throat for what seems like the thousandth time today, but you didn’t want your voice breaking, not now. “I’d prefer if we’d keep our conversations within the limits of our work.” The room’s entrance shuts, whoever was there, now finally gone, and a definitive silence takes over the tense space. 
“Oh…,” he stops himself. His tapping and stroking come to a harsh pause. No no no, please, your body cries out. You back away from his body and train your eyes towards the ground. “Yeah… yeah, no, I can… I understand,” he stutters out, letting go of you.
You keep your eyes trained on the ground as he steps as far as he can away from you in the cramped space. You send him a nod and start your way out of the spare room, leaving San alone.
*****
No one could deny that you had done an excellent job training San. He was running the team as you would’ve, and the fusion of his work ethic and your guiding principles, he’d been sculpted into one hell of a project manager. 
But even then, he surely must have known that you weren’t going to take a mere week off and return seamlessly as if nothing had happened.
If anything, you had become more quiet and more reserved than you were before and left the modest yet vibrant demeanor you’d once embodied in the depressing week before. The only people you had frequent conversations with were Yunho, on the days he was here, and Ms. Daisy, who was more than happy to give you the pleasure of her company.
The rest of the floor looked at you with pained sympathy, as if you’d suffered a profound loss. The narrative of pity was something you realized you thoroughly despised. Everyone gave you space as if you needed the time to grieve the loss of your promotion as if they were doing you a respectable favor. Everyone except Wooyoung. 
He was angry on your behalf, and he manifested it  through crossed arms, rolling eyes, a barrage of snarky and sarcastic comments directed towards San. Despite the hostility, his work was being done, so San took the looks and snide remarks with a grain of salt.
And this was now commonplace for the team. While it may not have been as collaborative, the team’s functionality persisted as everyone’s work was being done. If you were to compare the workload you were handling under Lushpin versus what you were handling under San, you should’ve been elated at the amount of free time you had on your hands. But of course, you were finding other tasks, tasks that weren’t as critical or weren’t to be done until weeks later, to busy yourself with. 
After the run-in with San in the spare room on your first day back, you decided you couldn’t consider the space yours anymore. You had told your boss, of all people, where you come to hide from your work and take breathers. So, with your secret spot compromised, you find yourself coming to the cafe more often, trying drinks you’d normally never even consider and eating desserts that would otherwise have you turning away in shock at the sugar content. 
You also find yourself confiding in your new-found friend in Yunho. 
With him, you felt comfortable doing something you never used to do: complain about your job. And so, during lunch breaks, he became the sounding board for your grievances about work. 
“Being at a job you actually like is a benefit,” Yunho offers a new perspective all while stuffing his face full of carrot cake one lunch break weeks later. “And besides, not many people have the luxury of saying they actually like what they do at work. If you’re lucky enough to find a place that aligns with your passions, it’s a game-changer,” he points out.
“Okay, so I don’t like working here,” you whisper to him, almost as if you’d be fired for admitting it. “I haven’t liked it for a while. But I don’t think I ever liked it, I just took the job because of… the convenience,” you respond. “As for my passions…” you let the thought trail off and shake your head in frustration. You watch life continuing outside the café in the moving cars and colorfully dressed people walking in the warming spring afternoon of the city.
It’s silent for some time, but the bustling of the people inside the café doesn’t let up. The crowd for the lunch rush is slowly dwindling down, but you’re hyper-aware of their presence. 
Yunho gulps down a large sip drink and sighs, “I think you need a change. And that’s okay, but you’ve got to invest your time in things you like to do. Do you have things you like to do outside of work?” You shrug in response, you hadn’t done much besides work in the past year and half, and even before that, you were content with your uneventful life. 
“I guess, yeah…” you grab a spoonful of the warm carrot cake. “What do you do?”
“I try out new coffee places, give them a score, and decide if I want to take my girlfriend there for dates, and…” he nervously sips, “I game, so there’s that, too.” His honesty brings a teasing smile to your face. “But I tag along with my girlfriend for her hobbies, too. We literally went to a leatherworking shop last week.” He pulls out his phone from which an attached leather keychain embossed with his girlfriend’s initials dangles. “All I’m saying is that there are an endless amount of things to do out there.”
At your diffident hum, he adds, “But even if you don’t, there’s always things you can start with.”
“Like what?”
He ponders for a moment. “Well, baking, art, and gardening are the big ones,” he lists off the options on his long fingers. He turns his hand to check the time on his wristwatch, “Oh shit, we should probably start heading back.” He gulps down his drink and waits for you to do the same before returning the trays back to the counter. 
Baking, art, gardening? Seemed like an easy enough place to begin. 
You and Yunho cross the street to go back to the office, the phrase repeats in your head. Baking, art, gardening.
On the elevator ride back up to your floor, Yunho says, “You know, I’m not really supposed to be telling you this, what with work confidentiality or whatever, but…” he amusingly looks around the empty elevator and beckons you closer, “there’s a spot open at TechTots for a project manager in the media division.” You back up in surprise, and this time you look around the elevator, double-checking the fact that it is actually empty. 
“I can put in a good word, but I’m sure if you want it, it’s yours.” You freeze at the proposition. “Everyone’s gushing over your work there already anyways.” Yunho jokes, which prompts you to roll your eyes despite the shock. “But seriously, there’s a place for you there.” The doors open to the 18th floor, and Yunho steps out. Before they close again, he turns to look at you and shrugs, “Just something to think about.”
*****
Left alone during a late night, you toiled away on a research report, the echoes of a particularly lengthy day lingering bitterly on the empty floor. Boring back-to-back meetings, an empty toner cartridge without inventoried replacements, and a malfunctioning elevator had contributed to the heavy weariness that hung over your shoulders tonight. 
You wrap up one of the sections and scroll through the nearly completed report, realizing only the conclusion and formatting remained. You lean back into your chair for a moment and stretch your arms in an attempt to alleviate the soreness in your muscles. 
As you’re rolling your neck in slow circles, you spot flickering movement from the corner of your eyes. You whip your head to the side and see San entering the floor with several paper bags in hand. 
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he takes cautious steps towards you when you send a small nod. He nervously stands next to you, watching carefully as you start to type a conclusion onto the seemingly unending report. You didn’t think you could feign being engrossed in the insufferable report any longer, so you finally avert your gaze to him. “Are you… planning on staying long?” he asks.
You’re suddenly pulled weeks back in time when he asked the same question on his second day here. He had the same look on his face now, consideration and worry for you in plain sight. 
“Yes,” you lie.
“I had a feeling,” shy dimples graces his cheeks. He places a paper bag on an empty space on your desk. “I got some dinner for you from the sandwich place down the street.” Saliva fills your mouth, and your stomach accompanies the sentiment, whining desperately for the sandwich.
You can feel the uncertainty coming from him before he waves the other bag and asks, “Do you mind if I eat with you?” 
“You’re free to do what you want,” you tell him. You inwardly cringe at your own tone, dismissive and bitter. You catch yourself hoping it doesn’t offend San. After all, he is your boss.
Instead the smile on his face widens, and he sits down on the desk across from you, where he’d been just a few weeks ago. He eagerly unfolds his bag and starts eating ravenously at his sandwich. He opens another bag filled with jalapeno kettle-cooked potato chips, and as the smell fills the air of the floor, you think you’re going to start drooling. 
No! You swallow the spicy smell and tell yourself to finish this god-forsaken conclusion. Words fly onto the screen as you send glances to the sandwich on your desk while typing away a storm. As you complete the last sentence with a period, you shut the laptop quickly and grab the bag, deciding you’ll format the report first thing tomorrow morning. 
The wrapped sandwich is still warm from being toasted. Under San’s watchful gaze, you flip open the top of the sandwich before taking the much awaited first bite to double-check the ingredients for potential unwanted surprises. Everything on the sandwich was in order. Correct ingredients, correct sauces, and only lightly toasted. Just the way you liked it.
At the heavenly first bite, you wished you had a bigger mouth to inhale the sandwich in one go, but as you see San’s proud smile from across your desk, you take a smaller, much more dignified, second bite. 
Having started earlier, he’s already finished most of his sandwich and tosses the last bite into his mouth. He leans back into the chair, hand on his full stomach with a satisfied sigh. You eye his movements but instead become distracted by San’s bag of unfinished chips and lick your lips instead. 
He follows your line of sight and holds a giggle back, dimples poking into his cheeks anyways. He exaggeratedly breathes out again and says, “You can have the rest of these, I’m stuffed,” he slides the bag of jalapeno kettle-cooked chips to your table. 
You look up at him and then the bag of chips, unsurely. San catches your look and lets his laughter out this time, “Really, I’m super full.” For added measure, he rubs his hands in circles around his tummy. 
When hunger calls again, you seize the bag of chips without hesitance and dive in. San watches you slowly eat away at the sandwich, and the ticking clock and occasionally bubbling water dispenser create a unique soundtrack for this impromptu dinner.
“You know, Wooyoung told me to go eat a bag of dicks today as he handed his reports in today.”
At the unexpected admission, you gasp out a laugh, and it makes San laugh when you try to disguise it in a cough.
At your genuine laughter, he feels confident enough to share more, “Last week, he told me that I was validating his ‘inherent mistrust of strangers’, and it was making him want to ram his head into the copier.”
You allow yourself to laugh this time. First, soft, but then, when San shares yet another one of Wooyoung’s insults, louder. 
“I think I’ve heard him talk about my having a secret family in the break room once, but my favorite one is him telling Yunho that my uncle put me here because I was the item at the ‘end of the season sale’ that the rest of my family couldn’t get rid of.”
The absurdity of the insults sends you into a fit of even louder laughter. “Yeah, he used to say that about Lushpin, too,” you giggle. Maintaining the mood, you decide to add what you had heard through a breathless laughter. “I heard him say you would be way out of your depth even in that pothole down in the parking lot.” 
San laughs deeply and freely at the confession, clutching his stomach, dimples gracing your yearning eyes. Both of your laughters decorate the empty 22nd floor on this late cloudless night for minutes on end.
“He really cares about you, you know?” San remarked, catching his breath. 
“Yeah,” you affirm, catching your own breath.
“In passing, I heard him say that this family wasn't this dysfunctional until I arrived,” San adds with a sad smile. He looks out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the bright moon shining into the 22nd floor. 
No amount of sharply tailored suits would challenge the fragility and vulnerability of the soft pout on his face, you realize as his features pull you in. In that fleeting moment of serenity, a flood of memories rushes over you, reminiscent of his eager smile, hands scribbling down messy notes, and his tight clutch on his beloved purple folder. 
A sense of longing lingers in the air, and you’re not quite sure how to place it. The unspoken language of inept politeness and cumbersome courteousness between you, hidden under the facade of professional sophistication, had become unbearable, and you’re left craving for the connection you’d created when San was just your trainee. 
You catch his fidgeting fingers and the night of Lushpin’s retirement comes in waves, and you remember how warm and secure his hand felt wrapped around your foot as he fastened your heels. 
“Why…” you don’t know how to complete the thought. Why did you lie? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why did you stand by and watch me drive myself into the ground? The incomplete sentence hangs heavy in the air.
San sighs, and his pout disappears, leaving a mixture of shame and regret over his face. “I think they just wanted to see if I was capable. If I have a successful project under my belt, it gives me a legitimate in at any of the other branches,” he looks down into his lap, embarrassed on his uncle’s behalf. 
As the implications of his statement settle in, you incredulously sigh, “At the expense of someone else’s career?”
“I told them no,” San softly pleaded. ‘I told them I didn’t want to do this, but my words don’t have much power against them.”
The strange music of the ticking clock and bubbling water dispenser fill the silence that’s settled between you and San once again. Searching for clarity, you ask, “What’s your plan here? I mean, what’re you going to do when we wrap up the collaboration?”
Looking up from his lap, San’s gaze meets yours. You’re taken aback at the return of his boyishness. You swallow and look away as vulnerability flickers in his eyes, he answers, “I don’t know, but I’m not staying here. That isn’t fair to anyone.”
In the stillness, the weight of the situation becomes palpable. You come to the realization that while navigating the bumpy terrain of your own emotions, you’d forgotten San’s ashamed expression the night of the promotion. The way he’d distanced himself. The way he couldn’t meet your eyes. The way his face twisted in sheer disgust during the announcement. 
It couldn’t have been easy for him. To spend time with the team, aware that in a few months, their thoughts of him would quickly turn sour. Knowing they’d be wary of trusting him once his secret would become known. 
“I want to start again, if that’s alright with you,” San says, pulling you out of your thoughts. “You and I both know I wouldn’t have been able to handle this had you not helped me. Help me get the team on one page again.” The feeble honesty in his voice tugs at your heart. “Please just help me get to the end of this quarter, and then the position is yours. I promise you.” 
In the quiet of the pause, you gather your thoughts. 
“Okay,” you run your hands over your thighs. “But, slowly,” you ask of him.
“Slowly,” he confirms for you.
*****
Things take a turn for the better after that night. Residual awkwardness and tensions still linger in the air, but work persists and progresses nonetheless, as it always does. 
You had spent the weeks after San’s untimely promotion actively trying to avoid being near him for as long as you could. So when the two of you become weirdly cordial overnight, the team experiences a strange whiplash the day after when you’re preparing for the morning meeting together. 
From the corner of your eyes, you see the data analyst and Wooyoung eye each before looking the two of you up and down. They settle into conference room B’s seats slowly, observing the strangely comfortable air in the room.
With the approaching app launch presentation, the intensified pace of work was too busy and hectic that it would be silly and impractical to not utilize the rest of the team to soften the increasingly burdensome days. Your return at an attempt to normalcy seemed to push the rest of the team to leave the sticky situation of the promotion in the past, and San was appreciative of the fact.
Unfortunately, Wooyoung’s attitude is slow to falter, but with a swift knock it off from you, delivered with a stern yet disappointed look, Wooyoung’s snarky comments towards San died down eventually, too.
One afternoon, several days into the strangely harmonious workweek, Yunho pays San a visit armed with the design presentation templates in his office.
“Looks like things are going well,” Yunho turns, looking out of the window to see the floor busy with interactions. 
“Yeah,” San says, finding you comparing two sheets of paper next to Wooyoung. You pick one over the other and tack it onto the bulletin board before turning back to your desk and catching San’s eyes. You send him a small smile and turn back around to answer a question being thrown at you. “She’s doing a lot of my work for me… I wouldn’t even trust myself if I were those guys, so I don’t blame them.” He sighs as he looks down at the design templates, “She feels like more of a manager than I am.”
“Treat her like one, then,” Yunho suggests. 
“What?” San asks.
“If she’s been doing the work of a manager, then treat her like one,” Yunho shrugs. “That’s how I got my position. I wouldn’t leave Danny alone, and boom! All of a sudden, I’m a co-manager.” He crosses one of his long legs over the other. “He definitely minded it a lot at first, but something tells me you wouldn’t care so much,” Yunho adds.
“I wouldn’t care at all, but that’s like asking for there to be a weird power imbalance. Things have just gotten back to being somewhat comfortable, and I’m wanting to keep it this way until the end of this quarter,” San retorts.
Yunho shrugs again, “Just something to think about.”
And San does. He spends the rest of the day thinking about it. 
On the other hand, as hectic as work is, Yunho’s offer keeps bouncing around in your head. You knew the position wouldn’t be open for long, and there was definitely an undoubtedly long list of applicants already. The thought visits you multiple times in a day, and you shake it away harder and harder each time.  
The day after, you find a poorly written pun on the corner of your desk. You rip the sticky note off the table and hold it up to your face. On the light purple color of the note, there is darker purple penmanship. “Hedgehogs— why can’t they just share the hedge?” 
You snicker at the note and then even more when you make out the scribbles on the bottom of the note to be two angry hedgehogs fighting over a hedge. From the corner of your eyes, you catch the blinds to San’s office shake shut. With a soft smile, you open your drawer and add the note to your pile.
Inside the office, San let out a sigh of relief. He felt devastated when he spotted a familiar tiny plastic box of oranges on his desk a couple of weeks ago, but he had made up his mind to restore your relationship and if it meant leaving multiple puns on your desk everyday, then so be it. 
Day after day, your collection of seemingly unending puns and jokes grows in your desk drawer. With each note, you come to be grateful for the fact that San’s putting in the work, both in befriending you and into the project. You’d heard nightmarish stories about the children or nephews and nieces coming into a workspace and throwing everything out of balance and doubling, or tripling in some cases, the workload. 
But San does the best he can to avoid becoming that burden. He’s focused when he needs to be and relaxed when the times call for it. Gauging the energy of the team seemed like an impossible task, but he was handling that well, too. In the past couple of days, he started arriving at the office earlier and would review materials with you before he went over them with the rest of the team. 
Had it been under any other circumstances, San would’ve made an incredible boss.
“He’s really pushing you for that promotion,” Ms. Daisy tells you one day over lunch. “He’s rejected a lot of potentials his family has been insisting on.”
“Hmm,” you hum, halfheartedly picking away at your lunch as Yunho’s offer crawls its way into your thoughts for the umpteenth time today.
*****
Over the past few weeks, you had been tackling the list Yunho had given you: baking, art, gardening. After some failed attempts at baking a couple weeks back, you figured it simply wasn’t meant to be and moved down the list to take on art and gardening instead. 
Tonight, you were taking another crack at a simple loaf of bread after taking some oddly emotional advice from the handsome and shy barista that worked behind the counter at Filtered in the early mornings. He’d told you this time it would be a success for sure, and soon enough, you’d be making his carrot cake, whose recipe he so graciously shared.
You weren’t sure what to expect when the kitchen timer would ring in about two minutes, but it most definitely wasn’t San, in a familiar gray hoodie, to be at your door with Neko in her purple carrier on this Friday evening.
Your taken-aback expression meets San’s equally taken-aback expression, and only when Neko meows is San prompted to explain.
“Last time, you… uh, you agreed to— Actually, you know what, I’m sorry, I should’ve confirmed before just showing up here with Neko,” San turns on his heels.
“No!” Your voice shocks you both, and clearing your throat, you say “I can take care of her this weekend, it’s fine.”
“Oh, thank god,” San sighs out. “I would’ve had to drive all the way across town to drop her off to my friend’s if you’d said no. Thank you,” San walks through your door.
As he removes his shoes, his breath catches in his throat looking around your apartment. There were stringing lights hanging around your windows, and your walls were decorated with pretty art. Two healthy potted plants sat on your windowsill, and on your couch was a spread of different childrens’ books and next to them, a sketchbook.
The timer in your kitchen eventually dings, and you leave San standing in the entrance of what seems like a brand-new apartment. 
Slapping the timer off, you open the oven and the smell of warm bread fills the air. He follows you to your kitchen counter, still eyeing the differences. “Your place looks… different,” he says.
“Yeah…” you look around your apartment and place the pan of bread on a cooling rack. “I got some inspiration from the café across the street.” Neko meows from inside her carrier, and you nod at it, “You can let her out.”
Distractedly, San opens the door to Neko’s carrier, and after giving his fingers a small lick, she saunters over to your familiar pile of to-be-recycled boxes and makes herself at home. 
San watches you observing the golden loaf of bread and turns once you’re reaching to grab plates. Your once barren fridge was littered with pamphlets of everything. Hung up by an array of colorful magnets, San could make out menus to new and old restaurants, free workshops offered by the city library, a list of books to be read, care instructions for jade plants and peace lillies, and a sheet titled “Yeosang’s Carrot Cake Recipe” in your handwriting. 
In awe, San just stands, absorbing.
In the silence, you find yourself back to when San dropped Neko off for the first time. Without having work to fall back on, your conversations were awkward to say the least. But this time, there are thousands of thoughts on the tip of your tongue you want to share with San. Things he’ll certainly find interesting and cool, but you aren’t sure if you’d made it back around to that point in your relationship. 
You settle with, “Want some bread?”
San’s pulled out of his daze as he responds, “Yeah, of course. It smells amazing.”
“I hope it tastes just as amazing. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going to have to accept my losses and move on from baking,” you say with a light laugh. San softly smiles back as you start slicing into the loaf. You plate the two slices and give the larger one to San. 
He bites into the warm pillowy bread. For being only a simple loaf of bread, the complex flavors surprise San. There’s a light sweetness and saltiness, but it’s not overpowering. When he goes in for another bigger bite, San thinks he can taste hints of spices as well.
“Well, it’s not perfect, but I guess it’s something,” you say, setting your plate down. In a notebook, you jot down memos about adjusting certain ingredients and are startled at San’s expression.
“You’re kidding, right? This is amazing. If I could, I’d live off of this” he stuffs the rest of the slice into his mouth. The scene is endearingly funny, so you turn back to the loaf and cut him another slice. “I hope this means you’re not going to be moving on from baking?” he asks, taking the even thicker slice.
“No, I guess I won’t be,” his compliment brings a rush of warmth to your face, and you turn to face away from him as you cut the rest of the loaf into slices. Taking nearly all of the slices, saving a few for yourself, you parcel them up into a sheet of parchment paper and place it into a brown bag. You slide the bag over to him, and he looks up, surprised. “Thanks for the sweet words, I really appreciate it.”
He looks into your genuine eyes, and suddenly, there’s so much he wants to tell you. He wants to thank you for being so kind to him at work, for trying to so hard to go back to normal, for fixing his figurine, for laughing at his piss-poor puns, for actually keeping them tucked away carefully in your desk drawer, for giving him the bigger slice, for letting him take so much of the loaf with him. 
He wants to tell you that he’s really happy for you, too. Happy that you’re feeling better, happy that you’ll take his place at work soon, happy that you’ve found a friend in Yunho, happy that you’re going out of your comfort zone, happy that you’re pursuing hobbies, happy that you’re not sad about not getting them right the first time, happy that you’re happy.
But “Yeah, of course,” is all he can say back, and he thinks it’s pathetic, until you smile back at him with your sweet smile.
San goes over the unchanged instructions for Neko’s care, and you listen to them carefully, just as you did the first time. He leaves you her brown bag filled with her medicine, food, and this time, some toys, and he takes your brown bag filled with bread with him. 
After San leaves, you clean your kitchen of the mess of flour, sugar, and butter. You call out to Neko, who comes happily, and with her treats in hand, you try to match her playful mood and sit down next to the boxes she had grown so fond of. Only a couple of minutes later, there are rapid knocks at your door. Stroking at Neko’s head, you stand to look through the peephole.
You slightly crack the door open to San, who’s panting with bated breath. The chilly weather has settled into his reddened cheeks and neck, and your brown bag was tightly clutched in his hand. You open your door wider and ask, “Hey, did you forget some—”
“Can I kiss you?”
Before you can completely get the word yes out, San’s lips are on yours. It feels just as electric as the first time, but this time, his cool hands find purchase on your neck. It’s an eager kiss, one that’s got a lot to say, but it lacks the words to get it across to you. But you didn’t care. The shocking touch feels so welcome on your skin, you grab hold of San’s hoodie strings and tug him back inside your apartment.
You fist the plush material of San’s hoodie at his chest and reciprocate the kiss just as eagerly, before a thought makes you stop, and his pout makes an appearance as you back up.“What about your family?”
His dark eyes roam yours and flick down to your slightly swollen lips. He looks back up to take in your features, still kind, still genuine, and still adorable. “Fuck them,” is all he says before you’re pulling him back by his hoodie slotting his lips between yours again. 
San can’t believe he’s here in your warm apartment that smells like bread, that’s decorated so much like you, with you. At the realization, he kisses you deeper, and his hands leave your neck to pull you closer by your waist. 
Your hands don’t leave the probably stretched material of his hoodie. Your brain is in too much of a scramble to make sense of this moment that when his hands do find your waist, you can’t do anything but tighten your grip on it. That is until the shrill ringing from his phone disorients you.
You start to pull away again, but San pulls you right back in before you can get very far, this time with desperate fervor. His hands crumple the cat-patterned apron you’d purchased some days ago which you still hadn’t removed. When his thumb grazes the exposed skin of your hip, you gasp, and San wastes no time in slipping his tongue past your lips.  
But the persistent ringing doesn’t stop, and you grow unreasonably frustrated at it. And so does San. He pulls back annoyed and picks up the call, one hand still wrapped around your waist. When you blink rapidly to adjust yourself, you realize the two of you had stumbled quite far into your apartment and were only a foot or two away from your couch.
“What? What could you possibly want?” he says into the phone. With a heavy sigh, he runs a hand through his hair, “Yeah… I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah… okay. I’m on my way,” he hangs up and slides the phone into his back pocket. “I’m so sorry,” he looks back at you. 
“It’s okay,” you say and loosen your hold on his hoodie. You cringe at the wrinkles you’d left with your grasp, but San doesn’t care in the slightest. 
“I really am sorry…” he says again, but this time, you know it’s not only for leaving right now. He lets go of your waist and looks down. “I should’ve just, I, I hope you know I didn’t mean to—”
“San, it’s okay,” you don’t let the distance grow.
“I’ve got to go, but I, I promise I’ll—”
You place a shy, chaste kiss on his lips and smile. His thoughts slow. “I’ll see you at work on Monday,” you say and think you see him melting.
“Okay,” he says with a pout. You look away from his temptingly cute expression and try to straighten out the messy wrinkles you’ve created on his hoodie and send him on his way, a brown bag full of bread and the touch of your skin in his hands. 
*****
Things become much more gentle between you and San. His enthusiasm to be near you at all times becomes quiet observance, a sweet kind of noticing that says more than his words ever could. In the everyday buzz of the office, he admires the grace you bring in doing even the most simplest routines.
As the work picks up, your interactions are confined within the area of the 22nd floor. The two of you decide to keep things professional and to not pursue anything until this quarter passes, but that didn’t deter San from decreasing the distance between the two of you.
He cherishes the time spent together during shared tasks. When you walk into the office and find a familiar row of figurines tumbling onto your desk, it prompts a pause before you rush over to delicately restore their order. San had decided the night before to bring his work outside of Lushpin’s old secluded office and set it up on the desk in front of you again, and at the rest of the team’s questioning faces the next morning, he told them it’d encourage “collaborative engagement”. 
When you’re at the round conference table, San discreetly saves the spot next to him for you under the guise of your better hand at technology, and in the rare moments when someone else takes the floor, he subtly searches for your pinky under the table. The next day, he intertwines them in a silent dance under the desk, and the day after, he confidently holds your hand between his palms. In some days time, your laced hands find solace on his lap as he traces the lines embedded in your palms. 
In the quiet moments of the nights you stay late, San doesn’t forget to bring you dinner, and during the hazy slump of the post-lunch afternoon, you speechlessly leave him a packaged slice of cake from the café across the street on his desk.
With your bettering moods, when the app launch presentation eventually rolls around, the team’s tempers are in significantly better places, too. Wooyoung and San are back on speaking terms, though Wooyoung doesn’t shy away from insulting him every now and then.
Yet again, you’ve found yourself in the backstage area in the auditorium. The filling auditorium elicits your increasing heartbeat to beat even faster. You shut the curtain and focus to get your breathing back in check.
“Hey,” San stands next to you. He’s dressed in a navy blue suit and looks even more put together than usual.
“Hi,” you respond and go flatten the material of your own clothes.
“Are you doing okay?” He peeks behind the curtain to see the filling auditorium. When you nod with lackluster confidence, San only stares. “You’ll do amazing. Everyone will. I know it,” he reassures you, looking down at your hands. 
Over the last couple of weeks, he’s wanted nothing more than to kiss you, but he’s kept himself in check, he thinks. Sure, his puns have gotten more romantic and he’s moved to work across from you, but hand-holding is tame and surely okay, considering you’ve started searching for his touch, too. He’s itching to grab your hand. It’s just there, inches from his. He debates the thought, until you speak up.
“I think I’m going to quit.”
You expect shock, widened eyes, and pleading to stay with the company, especially when you’ve sprung this news on him minutes before the app launch presentation, but you’re surprised when it never comes. Instead, San smiles as he looks back at the growing crowd in the auditorium. “Good, you deserve to be in a place that’ll appreciate the hard work that you do and compensate you for it. Properly,” he adds.
Under the backstage lights, the beauty of his features catch you off guard. You want to pull him in close to you and feel his heartbeat against yours. You want to feel his lips on yours again. You want to feel him. Right now. 
“Hey, will we be doing roll calls, or are we winging it this time around?” Wooyoung asks from the other end of the backstage area, plucking your attention away from San. You send Wooyoung a short answer and turn back to San. 
This time, San bravely intertwines his fingers into yours. You look down to your fingers nestling between his and think the sight is strange when not happening under the confines of the conference table, but you embrace it nonetheless. 
When San’s hands would find yours under the conference table, blood would rush to warm your face and you would always look around the table, praying nobody would become suspicious, especially Wooyoung. But this time, ignoring Wooyoung, who only stood some feet away from you, you feel your heartbeat slowing down and a surge of comfort flooding your body. 
You look back up to his soft features when he says, “You’ll be okay,” with a gentle squeeze. You squeeze back, knowing the both of you would be.
*****
And you were okay. So was San. And the rest of the team.
With the app launch having gone more successfully than you could’ve imagined, you’ve found yourself in the conference room once again on a weekend as the beginnings of a party are starting on the floor. 
You’re removing the tacks and tape holding up your team’s ideas for this project. Now that the app launch presentation had gone well, the project would be moving forward to the user experience design team on the 18th floor. It wouldn’t come back around to you for another quarter or so, until the app was completed and the time would come to market it to the public. It was a bittersweet thought, but you continued taking down the post-its and index cards from the wall.
“Oh my god, what are you doing here? The party’s on the floor, come on,” the data analyst pushes the door to the conference room open. She takes your arm and rushes you out onto the floor as she explains the decreasing state of the good alcohol. 
Once on the glittering floor, she leaves you by the stand-up bar and tells you she’ll be back soon, which given the amount of alcohol she’d already had, you seriously doubted it. But in your happy mood, all you do is laugh and nod. 
You request a cup of water from the bartender and look out onto the floor. With the successful presence of the disco ball at Lushpin’s retirement, it had made a return, this time bigger and brighter than the last time. Someone dims the lights, the music becomes louder, and you slink towards the end of the bar, closer to the door.
You continue backing up in small steps, until you bump into someone’s chest. From behind you, San says, “Hi.”
You turn around at his voice. He’s dressed in a silken black button up with the top two or three buttons left undone and plain black slacks. In the reflection of his glasses, you catch the shimmering disco ball. “Hi,” you finally say back.
San moves closer to you, arm brushing up against yours. With his back against the bar, he eyes the water in your hands. “Not drinking tonight?”
“Probably not a good idea,” you nod to Wooyoung on the dance floor. He had lifted the SEO specialist over his shoulders and was trying to show off his dance moves to the equally drunk data analyst. The SEO specialist’s head bumped into the disco ball once and then once more when Wooyoung tried to jump.
“Jeez,” San laughs out. He turns to order a glass of water from the bartender, and when he turns back around, you smell the warm chocolate from his cologne and calm.
As you continue watching Wooyoung’s antics, San takes in your relaxed form. He follows the outline of your body adorned in a simple form-fitting dress but stops when he reaches your feet which are sporting the familiarly beautiful dark red heels. He looks back up to your face. Your features are stretched in amused laughter at whatever Wooyoung was doing, and San thinks you look so beautiful.
“Oh my god, he’s going to hurt himself,” you say. Wooyoung had set down the SEO specialist who was rubbing his head, but now, he was trying to fight the disco ball, throwing uncoordinated punches at it. San flicks his eyes to the scene momentarily, but quickly turns back to a giggling you.
Unable to help himself, he leans in to place a soft kiss on your cheek. You freeze and turn to him, clearly surprised, but the smile doesn’t leave your face. San sets the water down and grabs your hands instead.
“Wanna get out of here?”
Once you’re able to blink away the surprise, you hold his hand back, nodding.
In the cool air of the spring night, your intertwined fingers lead San through the awakening city towards your apartment. The advertisements light up the skin and bright artificial hues color your skin gorgeously, and San wants to pull you close to him and kiss you right there, but he’d waited this long, he could wait a few more blocks.
But his resolve runs out when you get into your apartment building’s empty elevator. He checks the corners of the elevator for cameras and when he finds none, he pulls you in by the waist and finally kisses you again. Little did know that your thinning resolve had been crumbling away, too.
When the elevator dings much earlier than it’s supposed to, you push San away and look away from him. A family climbs aboard, too absorbed in themselves to pay the two of you any attention. When you turn back to San, you recognize the remnants of your lipstick smudged against the corner of his lips. The family’s backs are turned to you, so with a shy smile, your thumb meets his lips to wipe the red away from his face. 
When he meets your loving gaze, you see his dilated pupils. The elevator dings again when it’s arrived at your floor, so you take San’s hand, squeeze past the family, and run to open your door. 
Once you’ve closed the front door behind you, you stand in the dark of your apartment, breathless. The stringing lights circling your windows emit a soft glow, and San steps closer to you. As you’re backed into your front door, you think you can hear your heartbeat, or maybe it’s his heartbeat, you aren’t sure. 
San takes one more look at you, before he’s taking off his glasses to slam his lips into yours. He kisses you fervently, and you kiss him back, just as fervently. Your hands are at his neck, while his own press against the door on either side of your head. When you’re struggling to catch your breath, he pulls back to leave tiny kisses against your cheeks, forehead, and temples. 
Sending one more kiss to your temple, he kneels down. You can definitely hear your heartbeat against your rib cage when he takes one of your legs by the calf and puts it on his thighs. As he places small pecks along your shin, he unfastens the buckle to your shoe and very quickly, he moves to the other, repeating the same movements. 
When he’s done, he looks up from his place, and you look back. Your heart and breath are racing to catch up to what’s going on, but your brain remains as clear as ever. Just as you did some weeks ago, but this time with less care, you tightly fist at San's collar and pull him up into a rushed kiss.
You stumble backwards and bring San with you. He kisses your lips deeply, before annoyingly pulling away again. You chase after him but stop when you eye him switching his phone off. Your heart beats even faster, and an unknowing anxiety builds in your stomach. That guarantees no interruptions, but isn’t that what you wanted? 
He throws the phone onto your couch and doesn’t wait to watch it get swallowed by your cushions as he’s going back in towards your swollen lips. Sensing your sudden stiffness, his touch leaves your body once again. “You okay?”
You decide to take the initiative and lean in to leave fluttering kisses against his jaw. “Yeah, just got into my head for a second,” you move up to place small kisses behind his ear and hear him sigh softly.
“We don’t have to do anything,” he proposes.
“I want to,” you reassure him, fingernails scratching at the back of his scalp. He sighs again and relaxes in your touch. He twists his head briskly in search of your lips again. Eyes closed, you lead San through your living room on the way to your bedroom.
Without turning the lights on, you start undoing the buttons and knots holding the material of your dress together with San’s help. It slips off easily, and San throws the dress out the door, letting it land somewhere in your living room. 
Turning you around, he falls onto your bed and pats his thighs, looking up at you with eager eyes. From the moonlight that slices into your bedroom, you find the fragility in his sharp features again. Stilling, your palms cup his cheeks while your thumbs stroke the delicate skin under his eyes. 
San’s breath hitches at your gentle touch, and he leans into it, wrapping his arms around the back of your thighs pulling you closer. You don’t think you’ll ever get tired of him, and with the thought, you indulge yourself in another kiss. 
Your knees dig into the mattress on either side of San’s legs as you climb onto his inviting lap. Immediately, he places a tight grip on your plush thighs, making you gasp. Taking this as his cue, San’s tongue slips into your mouth just like before. His arms slither up the curve of your ass and stop at your mid-back. He tugs you closer and closer, until all of your chest is pressed up against him. 
San suddenly stands up, and at the unexpected action, you wrap your arms around his neck and hold on tightly. Hands under your hips, he drops the two of you onto your bed. The action leaves you stupidly breathless, and you try your hardest to catch your breath as San’s teeth begin to nip at your neck.
Your breathing is too fast, and San notices it all too well. “Hey,” San loosens his grip on your hips, “we can stop.” 
“I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going, but I’m just… a little out of practice,” you exhale in frustration, sitting up slightly and unable to look him in his eyes.
“That’s okay,” San says, tucking a strand of your hair and busying his hand with the shell of your warm ear. “If you want to keep going, we can as slowly as you need to.”
Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath and let San’s cologne surround you. “Okay,” you look into his eyes. 
San looks at you for some moments longer, taking in your eyes through your lashes. The hand that’s playing with the shell of your ear moves to hold the back of your head as San pulls you in for another kiss. This one lacked the rush of ones before it, and time slows down momentarily. The word love rests so easily in his mouth, he’s a little terrified of it, but welcomes it anyways. 
His fingertips graze the skin besides the kinesiology tape that runs along your back, and with much care, he gently lays you down onto your pillows again and goes back to leaving small kisses on your neck. 
Your hands pull at San’s satiny black dress shirt. As dashing as it makes him look, you find yourself wanting it off of him, laying in some obscure corner in your bedroom just like your abandoned dress that lay strewn somewhere in your living room. You meekly tug at his buttons, but when he can’t seem to pull away from your neck, you take the task on yourself.
The buttons fly off quickly, and once you’re able to catch San’s attention, he removes the shirt without hesitation. With the moon illuminating his body, your eyes follow the tan expanse of his heaving chest, his defined shoulders, and chiseled abdomen. At your gawking, San starts tugging at your maroon bra.
It comes off with one quick go, and San doesn’t hesitate to dive into the valley of your breasts. Head falling sinking into the pillow below, your eyes flutter shut at his touch. His cool hands tenderly knead at your overheated body while his lips trail lower and lower.
When he reaches the band of your underwear, he stops and looks up to meet your eyes for the third time that night. “Please,” you whisper, and he complies, kissing your hips as he follows the matching lacy maroon material down your legs. He grabs the underside of your thighs and leaves wet kisses there.
He licks a stripe against your already sensitive and wet pussy and sucks gently at your clit before looking up to see your eyes fluttering shut and head falling back. With a smirk, he dives back in, applying more and more pressure. His tongue circles patterns into you, and soon enough, your thighs are shaking. 
Then, he adds a finger. And curls it up. You feel your back arching off the bed at the pleasure, and you’re quickly spiraling towards your orgasm. Just when you think it couldn’t feel any better, he adds another. Between the curling and sucking and flicking and his hot breath around your thighs, you’re embarrassingly close to coming undone. 
Trying to ground yourself, your hands tangle themselves in the sheets below you. San leaves hot, open-mouthed kisses against you, and it feels too good. You can feel your orgasm creeping up on you, and normally, you’d be mortified for cumming so fast but now, you couldn’t care less. 
“I’m gonna—can I—please, please, please—” your own moan cuts you off. When you mumble out what sounded to San like asking permission, he thinks he could cum on the spot. With a new-found vigor, he licks and sucks harder, he curls deeper, pulling whiny whimper after whiny whimper out of you. A shake rattles through your legs again, and when you finally do orgasm, San’s rides you through it.
He thinks he can stay here, between your shaking legs, forever, and he would certainly never mind. Before letting you fall into overstimulation, he forces himself to back away, but he ends up asking what’s on his mind, anyways. “Can I give you one more? You deserve more,” San pleads, redness flooding across his neck up to his ears. 
You think you’re falling in love with him. His eyes are totally blown, his cheeks are reddened, and your arousal shines against his chin. He looks, for a lack of a better word, so beautiful, all you can do is nod dumbfoundedly.
He flashes a dimpled smile as his grip on your thighs tightens, lowering himself again. You try to keep your eyes on him, trying to catch more of his beauty, more of anything he has to offer. But when he moans into your folds, your head falls back in ecstacy. The vibrations and continuously flicking tongue has you stumbling towards your second orgasm even faster than the first. 
You try to reach for the sheets again, but San’s eyes follow your movement. He grabs your searching hands and locks them tightly with his own. Now that his hands weren’t holding your legs, your thighs try to shut, squeezing around San’s head. As they shake against his ears, he knows he could happily die here. 
With your second, much stronger orgasm, you feel like you’re floating. San helps you ride it out and pulls away with a pout. With your hands still intertwined, he lets you catch your breath and busies himself with placing kisses up your stomach, your breasts, your neck, and finally stopping when he reaches your blissed out face. 
He brings your laced hands above your head before leaning down to kiss you again. When you can taste yourself on his lips, you roll your hips up weakly in a silent plea for more, despite the tiredness that comes in waves.
“Are you okay?” he asks into your neck. When all you can do is nod, he moves up to look you in the eyes. “I let it slide before, but I need you to tell me. Can you tell me if you’re okay?”
You don’t think you’ve ever wanted someone more than you want San right now, but you’re unable to tell him with your heavy tongue. “I’m okay,” is all you say, surprised that your voice doesn’t break. Nonetheless, it’s airy and hints of whininess are seeping through it.
San smiles at your words, and he starts to remove his slacks while placing gentle kisses against your hips. The tent in his boxers is inviting, and you pull yourself up by your elbows. San gets you sitting up straight, and in your post-orgasm haze, you follow his movements, although thoroughly confused, as he rests against your headboard after taking his boxers off. He pulls you over his legs to straddle his thighs. “For your back,” is all he says before taking your lips between his yet again.
I’m definitely going to fall in love with him, you think. You roll your hips against his, and this time, San gasps and you slip your tongue into his mouth. You leave much too quickly for him and start to bite down his neck, his collarbones, and his chest. His hands grip your waist as your wetness leaves its mark against his cock. 
“Fuck, fuck, wait,” San hands stop your hips. “Condom?” 
Your lips don’t stop leaving marks along his neck as you answer, “Top drawer.”
Grabbing a condom, San rips open the packet and rolls the plastic over his painfully hard cock. The moment it’s on, you roll against him again. San leans back on the headboard and sighs. He looks at you, and you look back. There’s a thin sheen of sweat glistening on your chests. “Do you want to keep going?”
Something tells you that San would stop, even as hard as he is, if you had said no. He’d do it with a smile on his face, with a stupidly silly pun on the tip of his tongue to distract you. And that fact makes you gush. “Yes, please.” You roll against him one more time, harder. 
San nods at your response, and you see a relieved expression appear on his face for a split-second before it disappears. He lets you take the control and watches your folds drip over his pretty cock. As you’re sliding down, your nails dent the tan skin of San’s shoulders. Whimpers are whispered into his neck as you stretch to accommodate him. 
“Fuck…” San moans. “You feel so good,” he licks the area under your earlobe before biting into it. You gasp against him, and you realize you’ve taken him all the way with the distraction. You give yourself some moments to adjust, but it isn’t before long that you’re grinding down onto him. 
He feels so delicious inside, the curve of his dick hitting your gummy spot over and over and over again. San's soft grunts and groans and your own broken moans echo in your bedroom. San’s warm hands splay across your hips as he helps you move against his hips, and you want more of everything. More of his hands on you, more of his cock inside you, more of his kisses against your neck, more of him. 
Your body screams for a break, but you ignore its pleas and work your thighs faster. San’s fingertips graze upwards into the dip of your back, and he gently traces the lines along your shoulder blades. He was still being so watchful, and the thought alone makes you tighten around him.
But your body is catching up with your tired state, and you eventually start slowing down. You clench down onto San again, and this time, his touch at your back falters. With a quick change, his hands wrap around your hips again and stop your movements. 
With a whine, you come to a stop, and as you’re about to ask him what’s wrong, he thrusts up into you. Your words die in your throat, and a broken moan takes its place. You can’t imagine what your neighbors must be thinking. For years, they never hear a peep from your apartment. You were truly a model next-door neighbor, and now all of a sudden this? You file away the thought to bring them some baked goods as an apology when San lowly groans into your ear. 
Turning your head, you lick the shell of his ear and hear him groan again. The sound shoots electricity through your body, and you can feel your third orgasm of the night building. 
You feel a sharp sting in your back that you ignore. Until it comes again, this time sharper. 
With a pained gasp, you put your hands on San’s chest and push against him. He lets go of your hips and brings his hands down to rub your thighs, stopping his movements completely. He lets you catch your breath, and experimentally, you rock forward into him only for the pain to return.
You slump against him in defeat. The rubbing at your thighs stops. 
“Hey, you okay?” San takes your face between his hands. 
“My back…” you start, apologetic. Your orgasm was slowly disappearing, and you could feel San twitch inside you. 
“It’s okay, do you want to stop?”
“No, please, I don’t wanna stop— Can you just—” you try to roll against him again, but San stops you, lifting your hips up again. 
“Woah, whoa, you’re going to hurt yourself, wait,” he slides out of you gently, making you wince. He gets you off his thighs before adjusting the cushions on your bed. “Come here.” You shift closer to him, and with a hand along your back, he lays you down against the cushions. You back relaxes in relief, and you thankfully sigh.
“Feels better?” he asks, leaning over you. 
“Much better,” you respond, settling against the soft pillows.
San traces the outline of your lips with his thumb, and with his other hand, he runs his cock up and down your folds. The nips you’ve left around his neck and ears are beginning to darken, and you only hope to leave more soon. The ends of raven hair is dripping with droplets of sweat. All you can do is take him in, and when you see him doing the same, your heart beats faster. 
You hope his marks are just as clearly present on your neck as yours are on his. His thumb traces over your cupid’s bow, and you kiss the pad of his thumb. 
“Please,” you whine against his thumb. As he leans in to kiss you, he pushes himself back into you. You sigh against his lips. He grinds his hips into your slowly, restraining himself. 
You feel yourself molding to the ridges of his cock, and your eyes flutter close. Your third orgasm reappears as quickly as it disappeared. You buck your hips up to match his thrusts, and it results in louder, more desperate moans of his name from your mouth. 
You’re stumbling on the edge of your orgasm when San speaks into your ears. “I’m sorry,” he says, hips grinding against yours. “I’m so, so, so sorry,” he grinds deeper, stops, pulls back, and repeats. The pace of his has you hurdling into your third orgasm, and when you do cum with a tight clench, more words bubble up from his chest.
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I’ll make you feel so, so good. I don’t care how long it takes,” he whines with a cry into your neck. His thrusts are faltering, becoming more and more uneven, but it still feels amazing. Your fingernails graze his scalp, and you give his short, dark strands a soft tug. You’re teetering into overstimulation just as he cries out, cumming. 
His elbows rest against either side of your head, and the tiny droplets from his wettened hair fall onto your neck. You turn to kiss the forearm on either side of you and let San catch his breath and slide out of you only to fall next to you. He turns to you again, and as you're coming down from your highs, he busies himself with leaving another mark on the cusp of your collarbone. 
Some minutes later, he speaks up. “I really meant that, you know?” At your confusion, he clarifies, “I’ll make it up to you, no matter how long it takes.” When you don’t say anything back, he gives your temples a soft kiss before getting up to grab some wet washcloths from your bathroom. 
Sometime later, when one cool rag lays across your chest and as San uses the other to clean up the remnants of your orgasms, you finally find the words you want to tell him. 
“You deserve more, too.” His movements pause, and he looks down at you. You take the rag off your chest and sit up. “I’ve forgiven you a long time ago,” you tell him, wiping the sweat along his hairline. “You don’t need to make anything up to me, but…” you take his hands in yours, “If you’re giving me more and making me feel good, you deserve all of that and more back.”
Your thoughts sounded a lot more cohesive in your head, but San accepts them nonetheless. You knew a better foundation needed to be laid down when the two of you would seriously start pursuing each, but this was a good start, you think. 
He gives you another kiss, one that knocks the air out of your lungs, before laying you back down to finish cleaning you up. 
Once you’re both showered and tangled in your bed, San quietly traces patterns into the skin of your stomach. You nuzzle closer into him, and his breathing eventually slows down. You watch his chest expand and contract as his breath tickles your neck. You weren’t sure what the future was going to hold for you. You didn’t know where you would go. You didn’t know what San would do. How he would retaliate against his family. Where would he go? You weren’t even sure if Yunho’s offer was still on the table, but right now, you didn’t care very much at all. 
You pull the blanket over San’s bare shoulders and let your eyes close as his heart beats against yours.
Author's Note II: Sorry I've just got so much to say guys lol. But here she is in all her glory, taccl pt. 2. I've spent a lot of time on her and would love to hear what you guys think 🫶🫶 I've also got some ideas for my next fic, but I would love love LOVE to hear some of your suggestions! Much love to you all <3
taglist: @rockstarsanie , @itza-meee , @scarfac3 , @chngbnwf, @brown88 , @ddaeing , @imcoenffl , @santineez
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