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#clearly everyone who was part of those streams gave some amount of shits and tried
elytrafemme · 1 year
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also btw. just wanted to point out how Boundless Sands and the Las Nevadas Finale (no matter HOW u feel about them) both made attempts and imo did a GOOD JOB at handling the conversation about recovery. neither c!Wilbur nor c!Quackity were perfect and clearly in the beginning or in the midst of a messy road to healing but w the letters and w Friend being in limbo + c!Wilbur going home we see like. the characters were WORKING on healing and being better as people. and that to me was not only a testament to how much cc!Wilbur and cc!Quackity loved their damn characters, but was also something that really reassured me. you know as someone who has had their own mental health issues too (clearly) and has been in the throes of the recovery process for a while. shits messy and shits unclear and you relapse but you TRY and cc!Wilbur and cc!Quackity did a good job being both gentle & real about the trying part.
versus the fucking “DSMP vol 1 finale”, aka a stream that was clearly coordinated (bold word choice of mine, implying anything here was really planned) by Dream and only included some of the biggest streamers (For all the DSMP season 3 / prison break stream had faults, at least more than 5 fucking people were on the server doing things !!!), had HORRIBLE messaging about the process of healing. Ppl have gone back and forth about how bad the whole Tommy Dream “reconcilation” thing was, and I didn’t watch the stream so I only know bits and therefore can only be taken w a grain of salt here. BUT i think that the fact that (1) Tommy was even entertaining the thought of making amends, or if you think that he was making amends at the time, with Dream NOT APOLOGIZING and no follow up to show that forgiving abusers doesnt absolve their guilt and also u dont have to forgive abusers and also Tommy wasnt at fault  . and also (2) that the finale involved THE ENTIRE SERVER BLOWING UP which not only signifies that these characters NEVER got a chance to heal but also ensured everyone excluding like c!Q and c!Wil NEVER COULD. Is fucking horrific and disgusting to me. 
and not to even talk about Dream as a person bc I have so many fucking thoughts about how all that makes the messaging surrounding power dynamics in the finale So much worse (and is the reason I have yet to watch the stream bc I will just trigger myself thinking about that). 
So fucking disgusting to see how the dsmp finale happened, with NO regards to the majority of other streamers, just Dream and whoever could mindlessly tag on that happened to have pretty big viewer counts (shocker), and completely throwing out the characters and the story that have been built for YEARS. Versus how streamers like Quackity and Wilbur handled things, INCLUSIVELY and COMPASSIONATELY and fucking EXCELLENTLY, in my opinion.
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todomochi-uwu · 3 years
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Of Unspoken Troubles & Sudden Worries (2/3)
Pairing: Ushijima Wakatoshi x reader
Warnings: Angst
Author’s Notes: Finally! The amount of time this took is stupid, but I hope you enjoy it :) Also I´m trying to cope with Jongdae leaving, so please stream “Hello” to understand my pain. 
“Hey Crybaby.”
Previous Part: First Next: Second&Half Third
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The same eyes who found were now expecting an answer out of you, they were comforting, soothing but also serious and demanding; words simply didn´t come out of your mouth and you avoided looking at him, choosing to focus on the scratches on your hands and knees.
“Know I won’t tell anyone what just happened, I just want to be able to help you.” He said.
Your voice was trapped in your throat; how ridiculous would you sound if you told him your boyfriend was a piece of shit?
“Did anyone hurt? Is someone harassing you?” He tried again.
This time you shook your head.
“Okay, then did you fight with your team?” You stayed silent this team. “I see, maybe we could try talking to your captain? You are from Shiratorizawa, so your captain is Ushijima, right? Let me just…” When he turned around in an attempt to grab his phone you quickly held onto his jacket sleeve, preventing him from going any further.
To this, he gave you a confused look, “Okay now you need to tell me what´s going on.” He was firm, his tone had changed drastically and his tone was lower. 
Sigh, “I made something stupid, and now I can’t face them.”
“And what exactly is something “stupid”?” He air-quoted.
You knew you just had to tell him at this point.
Kuroo had his head in between his hands, trying to understand what you were trying to say. “Manager not girlfriend, what the fuck does that even mean?” He mumbled. 
“So you managed to catch Ushiwaka’s attention, and even though HE was the one to ask you out, he’s being a fucking asshole.” You simply nodded, “Okay, it’s good to know he’s bad at something, to be honest.”
“Wakatoshi is not the monster everyone makes him look, he’s just weird.” 
Kuroo giggled, “Well let me tell you he does have the kind of face that says ‘I’m going to punch if you so much look my way’ You know?” To this you giggled, “Would you like at that? Crybaby can actually smile.”
“Stop it, I’m not in the mood.”
“I know, just trying to cheer you up.” He sighed, before looking at you straight in the eyes, “Do you want my advice or were you just looking for someone to bent?”
“Apparently my rational thinking is not good, because I just keep going to back to him.”
“Because you are not being rational, you are just thinking about how much you love him and how much you wish for him to change, even though he´s not going to.” He was direct, no tenderness, making you flinch “Thinking rational would be to tell you to dump him, he’s not worth it. You are here trying to make it work while he´s just establishing rules as if it was a business contract.” Small tears threaten to come out of your eyes, another knot forming at the bottom of your stomach, “But… I completely understand what you are going through, so you are not letting him go that easily. So I’m going to do something that worked for me in the past, okay?”
You nodded.
“Have you tried talking to him?” Yes. “Did things change in some way?” No. “Okay. Has it been getting worse?” Yes. “Do you sometimes question his love?” Yes. “Are you genuinely happy?” No. “Is this what you thought it would be?” No. 
Kuroo sighed, before taking your face in between his hands “Is he’s not loving you the way he should; if he’s not cherishing you; if he’s not trying his best for you; if he´s not fulfilling the compromise he made to you. Then it’s not there. There´s no other way to put it.”
A loud sob escaped your lips, things you already knew were now coming out of someone else’s mouth, making it seem real, making it hurt even worse. 
“However, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say his intention is not that, he’s not trying to hurt you, he’s just… an idiot.” He looked away, “But everything and everyone has their limit, including you, no matter how much you love him.”
There was nothing much you could say, he was right, you love Ushijima, but it was becoming too much. 
“So tonight we are going to go sleep because my god am I tired from trying to block his fucking spikes, I know you say he´s not a monster, but he sure does spike-like one.” You giggled, “Tomorrow you will fulfil your duties as a manager, but nothing else. You will take notes, refill water bottles and give out towels, what you normally do as a manager. No cheering him, no lovey-dovey looks, no midnight escapades, no girlfriend stuff. If he wants you to act like a manager you will, but he will also experiment what losing someone who loves you feels like.”
“Why are you doing this?” You questioned, you knew he didn´t have any malice intentions, but still, you were the crazy person who appeared crying in front of the gym at one a.m. 
“Because I know exactly what it feels like to give out love and receive absolutely nothing, and I’m not letting you continue this destructive cycle; it’s what I wish someone had done for me.”
You didn´t ask any further questions, believing every word he said. You turned around to leave, needing to catch some sleep.
“Hey, Crybaby. You forgot something.”
It was now morning, your eyes felt heavy and were swollen, fingers bleeding from all the biting and your body kept trembling from the anxiety, but you had to reaffirm yourself, put yourself first.
And so, you made your way into the kitchen, getting ready to prepare breakfast along with the others managers, who could only give you a sympathy smile and a pat in the back, clearly having heard you cry.
Before you even noticed, the teams were already making their way into the cafeteria, the noise filling the entire building. You started serving plates, placing them in the table for the boys to come and collect them.
“Hey, manager-chan.” A familiar voice said. Tendou. 
“Hey, Sato. Did you get a good sleep? You need to be prepared to be able to block some of those quick attacks from Karasuno” You smiled, taking him by surprise.
“Yeah… Um, I didn´t know you got along with Nekoma?” His eyes were looking straight into the piece of clothing in which you were currently drowning in. 
“Oh yeah, their captain was nice and gave it to me, he said I looked cold.” Shit, you completely forgot about that. Well, fake it ‘till you make it.
“Okay…” He said while returning to his table, Ushijima was already sitting there looking over the notes from yesterday’s practice. “Hey, Wakatoshi-kun?”
“Yes, Tendou?”
“Have we ever had any other training camp with Nekoma?”
“Not that I remember.”
“Huh.” Tendou was confused but decided to keep his thoughts to himself. There was no need to worry just for a silly thing, right?
It wasn´t until he turned around to have another look at you did he notice your eyes were positioned on another table, another team, Nekoma. Then Tendou noticed their captain looking directly at you, intensely and without even blinking, before he gave you his signature smirk and a quick wink, then sitting down next to his libero. 
Tendou´s eyes once again returned to you, and this time it shook him, the peachy pink in your cheeks and the shy look in your eyes incriminating you. 
Tendou didn´t like it one bit, not when you and Ushijima had something, but after last night´s events, he didn’t know what to think, were you two still together, or was that the final straw?
He saw it during breakfast, he saw during their practice match, he saw it during breaks, Kuroo and you, looking at each other, laughing, talking, a relationship he had never seen before. 
When in the fuck had you met Kuroo Tetsurou? And what in the fuck had happened for you to look at him that way?
“Wakatoshi-kun” He whispered, careful of not raising anyone´s attention. 
He hummed in response.
“Are you and Y/N still together?”
“Tendou, I already told you…”
“No, Ushijima. This time I´m serious, are you and her still together?
Ushijima´s eyebrows were furrowed, there was no point in denying it any more, he guessed. “Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Because for one, she´s wearing Nekoma’s jacket, two she hasn´t even bother looking your way, which I don´t blame her after what you did last night, and third the looks Kuroo has been giving her aren´t exactly friendly.”
“What do you mean?”
Goddammit are you fucking blunt, Ushijima, “I mean, she disappears for the entire night, no one in the team knows where she is, and all of a sudden she is friends with Kuroo?”
“I don´t get your point.”
  “What I mean…” He raised his voice, clearly exasperated, he tries again calming himself. “What I mean is, this morning she was wearing his jacket, she has spent all of her breaks with him and she hasn´t even come to greet you.” He hoped this would wake up something in Ushijima, but he simply stared at him, clearly not connecting the dots.
Well, fuck.
This time, Tendou pointed your way, Ushijima was confused, what was so bad? And then, everything made sense. 
Kuroo had taken your phone away, keeping it at a height impossible for you to reach, you were jumping trying to get it back, it wasn´t long before his arm was around your waist hugging you while laughing, you pouting. 
And to this Ushijima couldn´t help but wonder.
What was this strange feeling? And why did he all of a sudden had the urge to punch Kuroo Tetsurou?
Tags: @samanthaa-leanne @missalienqueen @anime-weeb-bnha @minnieminnie00-got7 @ama-suhen @iiwah @saeranoppa @4ambagelbites @sunaswife @puma-d-a @lionhearteddame @ix-elastix @dudejuststop @pruemania @salty4tsukki @wonderblogger @animexholic @kenmascateyes @aralynxo @decaffeinatedcheesecakemiracle @tsibba01 @softkookyy @nnessworls @xxitsaeonxx @hallothankmas @sinex @shinhiromi @killuaking @icedberrytea @foreverdebbie​ @nati-08​ @amoursa​ @lilolpotato​big @bigtitmisfit​ @itzgabz22​ @holographicwriter​ @aonenthusiast​ @flmshneverbreaks​ 
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veliseraptor · 3 years
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there is my black widow movie
wow been a while since marvel movie write up, let’s see if I even remember how to do this. just got back from the theater with @ameliarating and @portraitoftheoddity and honestly you guys, non-spoilery first emotional reaction: I loved it. I had a fantastic time watching it. this is the first Marvel movie in a long time that I’ve watched and gone “oh wow I could watch that again.” I might actually watch it again. the only barrier is ticket prices.
anyway! yeah. so. positive feelings. proudly: there’s my black widow movie
to get more specific (with multiple spoilers below):
this is all going to be very stream of consciousness so I apologize in advance
to paraphrase an internet meme: WOMEN
seriously though this was a movie that was about women, centered women, the most prominent relationships were between women and I loved it, okay, I loved it so much.
the opening sequence with tomboy!Natasha who was clearly already semi-feral and had probably killed a man before.
child!Natasha screaming at everyone that she was going to kill all of them if they touched Yelena.
“you were even younger.” well fuck!!!
in general lots of angsty backstory juice in here. like, it doesn’t get lingered on because that’s not the point but there’s some...Yelena’s description of the forced hysterectomies, for example, is kind of a joke but it’s also extremely visceral and puts the emphasis on the violation of bodily autonomy, which, if you’re going to take that from comics that’s what you should be getting from it.
in general: dear Black Widow movie team I see you guys pulling from the Richard K. Morgan run, I see you, right down to the ‘violence inhibiting pheromones/breaking your nose to circumvent them’ thing.
me, in the theater when Natasha started provoking Dreykov into hitting her: HEY HEY I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING
I would like to watch those opening credits again more closely because damn was there a lot going on and I’m pretty sure it gave implied confirmation (combined with the amount of punishment Nat took in this movie and got up again) that Natasha is more than baseline human to one degree or another, and I’m just pleased with that because it’s been my headcanon for ages.
YELENA BELOVA MY BELOVED oh my god Florence Pugh was a delight and so funny and just! her relationship with Natasha! the fact that that relationship was so central, was the driving force of the movie, and their dynamic was...
look, I have a lot of feelings about the way that Natasha acts younger around Yelena in the way that you get younger around your family, the way she’s less serious, she smiles more, it’s just...it’s good. it’s getting more of the Natasha we’ve seen glimpses of that isn’t just the badass spy/assassin.
anyway it’s just aslkdjsldkfj many many feelings about Yelena and Yelena as the one left behind
Natasha denying that they were real sisters? ouch. big woof! I want more of Yelena’s head in general because there’s a lot going on there, so hope some fic digs into that. or maybe I’m going to have to? I have so many things to write already without picking up a fic with a very small audience sldkjfslkdjfhhhh
the fight choreography was a delight to watch. and also delightfully brutal. especially loved the Yelena v. Natasha fight but there were lots of good ones.
Taskmaster reveal was a good choice and I’m so glad that Natasha got her out. flashbacks of Ava Starr a little bit but like
Natasha as a savior of women and girls in particular and how that’s been a thread in recent comic runs for her? yes, thank you, into that
shallow but: this movie had some prime Natasha hair. excellent, the one she has at the end of the movie pre-hair dye is maybe my favorite ever
teared up when Natasha and Yelena hugged. congratulations Marvel, punched me right in the sister feelings
straight up cried during the post credits scene alkjsdf I’ve spent the years since Endgame in a vague state of denial about Natasha being dead so that was a rough wake up call
there was a tiny tiny part of me that was like what if they bring her back though and...yeah, they weren’t gonna do that but. I was still thinking it for a minute there.
but damn what a hook for (probably???) the Hawkeye series and does this mean that there’s going to be more Yelena, cause if so then good, and also yes thank you for the grief/mourning aftermath of Natasha’s death being a thing maybe because I was not vibing with how that was (not) happening
anyway. loved it, the accents were puzzling and I’m sure the spoken Russian was appalling but like. it gave me a lot. I am so pleased
(also just. reminding me how much I fucking love Natasha sldkjsdlkfjsdlfkj my girl!!!!)
other shit will probably come up but I’ll call it for now and leave this vague screaming emotional post here. could I write a coherent review? probably if I tried but that sounds like a lot of work
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nobodylivesson · 3 years
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Bad Boy(Pt.2)
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Fandom : Marvel
Pairing : Peter Parker x Top! Male Reader
Requested? No
-Previous/Next-
 »»————>❃<————««
The incident after that spread through the whole school like a wildfire and everyone were either dumbfounded or fascinated by this but one thing they all decided was that won’t fuck with [Y/N] or his friends.
Flash also started to avoid [Y/N] like a plague.
It was so interesting and shocking to see the all arrogant Flash Thompson to meekly reply back to [Y/N].And everyone else can definitely see how much [Y/N] enjoyed seeing this while face which didn’t seem to hide his smirk.
“You purposely greet him in the corridor every morning right?” MJ asked [Y/N] during lunch causing the male to smirk
“Well it’s so fun watching him squirm under the pressure.My father did got a call from someone trying to apologize but I told him to ignore it~ I’m sure this might have caused Flash to have a very very good talk with his parents~” [Y/N] said with a chuckle
“You are a total sadist” MJ said with an unbelievable look in her eyes but [Y/N] just chuckles before saying “It’s not being called sadist but bringing arrogant filled assholes who think they are the kings to their right place”
“That a very specific line,you have done this kind of stuff before?” Peter says with a chuckle and [Y/N] smiles a little.He really likes seeing Peter smile it just has an effect on him every since he saw it the first time
“Well it seems I’m a really good magnet for assholes but I don’t mind being a sadist just for you if you want Pete” [Y/N] says before bringing out his accent to the last part and ah,how much he enjoys seeing Peter going all red over this face,neck and ears
“WHA-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!Don’t joke about stuff like that!!Le-let’s go Ned!!” Peter says as his face burns like fire and Ned also quickly gets up before hurriedly saying “By-bye MJ!!You to [Y/N]!!”
Both of the said people waved back while [Y/N] had a teasing grin which Peter surely saw as he seemingly picked up his pace and quickly went out the room while Ned ran after him telling him to slow down
[Y/N] chuckles as he watches this when he sees MJ looking at him with narrowed eyes so says with a confused look “What?”
“Stop teasing Peter we know what you tow are but you don’t need to tease him like that ” MJ says with a sigh to which [Y/N] with a closed eyes smile while crossing his legs and keeping his left hand on his mouth “I don’t know what you mean by knowing “what we two are” but you don’t how much I just love seeing his ears turn all red and he has this cute habit of shuttering and playing with his hands when he is very embarrassed”
[Y/N] opened his eyes and his eyes lingered towards the place where Peter once sat and he just couldn’t help but chuckle more
“Sigh,you don’t need to hide it from us and you don’t understand,Peter is to innocent unlike you” MJ said 
“What the fuck are you talking about MJ?Say it clearly cause I really don’t know what you meant by ‘tow of us’” [Y/N] says with a frown as he started to get annoyed now
MJ opens her mouth but after observing [Y/N]’s face shut it with widen eyes
“No actually forget about whatever I said” MJ says while closing his book and getting ready to go from there as she tried not to make eye contact with him
[Y/N] keeps his eyes on her before saying with a shrug “Okay then whatever the fuck that was,I’m outta here.Not in the mood to attend anymore classes today” his annoyance lacing in his voice and he then just took his stuff before going away from there without saying goodbye for MJ
MJ looks at his walking figure of [Y/N] and thinks “Oh god,don’t tell me-No way.I just hope this doesn’t bring any trouble to us” before sighing
»»————>❃<————««
[Y/N] was annoyed for sure
“What the hell is wrong with MJ?? First she asking me about something between me & Pete and then she refuses to say what it is.I know it’s kinda low to tease Peter but he isn’t even gay so what’s the harm and can’t she tell me her reason of being annoyed by it.I just find finding messing with Peter very interesting......” [Y/N] angrily mumbled before he trailed of as he watched the lights of the different buildings in New York turn on
After getting annoyed,[Y/N] decided to ditch school and after searching the city for a while(also with help of the information Peter gave him),he found out a building whose rooftop he could go into without any problems.The building also gave a very decent view of the city
So what better way to blow of some stream than than sorting your thoughts out in front of this beautiful view
So [Y/N] sits at the roof while looking at New York while he started to slowly sort his thoughts one by one
Along with Peter and MJ,[Y/N] mind has been filled with father along with..........his mother and the secret between them
“No need to wreck my brain with school problems,the old man is again eating my head about giving some thoughts to becoming his successor.But I have already told him enough times that I’m not interested in it and that he can find someone more suitable,damn it!Then those bastards had put me in their club performance again without telling me.Maybe I should really have a talk with them.And then eomma’s date is also coming..........Sigh,guess I have to l look after appa and give Mr.Sung a break” [Y/N] thinks with a frown
Mr.Sung was [Y/N] dad’s personal secretary but in the boy’s eyes he looked more like a personal babysitter
[Y/N] was so invested in his thoughts that he didn’t heard the sound of someone slinging to his spot and was really startled when a voice suddenly said “Wasn’t expecting someone here”
[Y/N] looked behind to see a very curious sight of a guy in a red and blue latex suit which also had a black spider logo in his chest.He was also wearing a red mask with white eyes
“Who is this guy?Wait is he-” [Y/N] who was confused at first suddenly realized before saying “Are you The Spider-man?” with a curious voice
“The one and only neighborhood hero at you service.You must be new here,I haven’t saw you before around the city” Spider-man says while taking a seat beside [Y/N] after making sure he was okay with it
[Y/N] chuckles before looking at the hero while leaning back as a smirk adored his face and said “I don’t think you need to know everyone who goes out and in of the town.It seems to much of a work to be added after the amount of work you do”
Spider-man chuckles like he was embarrassed as he says “But as a hero I should remember people of the city I’m trying to protect.And you seemed very familiar with the city to be able find this place.So I thought how I never saw you around as someone like you......really leave a impression”
[Y/N] blinks a little before ends up laughing and puts his index finger under the mask face of the hero making him look towards [Y/N] as he brings his face close to the hero’s
“I didn’t knew that Spider-man thought I was so impressive.I’m happy that the neighborhood hero is saying these kind of things so openly.I like people like those” [Y/N] says while licking his lips making the hero immediately pull back
[Y/N] for some reason felt that the hero would be blushing like crazy and he wanted to just rip of that mask but decided to not do something so stupid
“Y-you shouldn’t tease people like that!A-and I asked to forget but who told you about me?” Spider-man says as he tries to move the conversation to something else
[Y/N] laughs but complies “Well as you had said earlier,I’m not from here and had just moved here along with my dad.And so someone who I’m close with showed me around the city.So then he told me about this new hero who had emerged.It was also because of him that I was able to catch sight of this place.I’m very grateful of him when he showed me around the city and also being a great friend”
“He seems like a good friend” the spider hero quietly says and leans closer to the Asian boy as if expecting some kind of answer which [Y/N] noticed but decided to slid it off
“Good friend......huh?” [Y/N] mumbles as he looks towards the city before with a smile says “I guess so or maybe a little bit more”
Spider-man immediately goes back and in a shuttering voice says “I-I s-see.Al-also shouldn’t you be telling all this stuff so easily?We just meet today”
“My friend told great stuff about  you and I believe him,so there’s no need for me to be wary of you” [Y/N] casually says as he goes through his contacts to message Mr.Sung to pick him up later
“I-I see” the hero replies and a silence falls between these two
“I wanted to ask this earlier but don’t you have other important things to do than talk with a teenager?” [Y/N] finally asks with a questioning look making the hero look at him
“Well I had a break and was just looking over the city when I saw you.You looked very concerned and so just wanted to make sure you were alright” Spider-man says making [Y/N] chuckle
“Well some shit has been going on so I was just thinking on how to sort them out” [Y/N] says to which the hero quietly says “Well if you want you can talk with me about it”
“No it’s fine.It’s not that important to involve someone like you to this” [Y/N] says while closing his eyes making the hero quietly look at the boy
“Well then how about your friend?If you trust your friend,I’m sure he would be happy to talk and listen to you.That’s what friends are for” the hero says making [Y/N] look at him with an unreadable look
But before the hero could say anything [Y/N] started to laugh loudly making Spider-man surprised
“Thanks so much.I guess I need something like that.I will see if I want to tell him about it.I guess you are a hero in all sense” [Y/N] says with a grin to which Spider-man replies “Glad could help you”
But Spider-man couldn’t stay anymore as he hear loud noise from a distance making both [Y/N] and the hero look towards that direction
“Looks like duty calls” Spider-man says to which [Y/N] says “I guess I should also get going”
“Well if you ever need a shoulder to cry,a ear to listen and a mouth to talk to.I’m always there” Spider-man says making [Y/N] laugh which confused the hero
“You remind me of that friend for some reason.The way you act,your voice and also you........never mind I might be wrong as well” [Y/N] says with a shrug when he sees the hero becoming a little stiff before relaxing
“Hahaha,don’t joke like that.Well see ya” Spider-man says before saluting towards [Y/N]
The hero then jump from the roof with a flip and then slings toward the direction those noises came from as [Y/N] looked at the retreating figure of the hero
“Well,that was unbelievable.Just meet Spider-man and even though it was odd,he really reminded me of Peter.Well,eh how would be possible?Am I going out of shape these days for slacking at my practice?Guess have to start following my routine again.And talk with my friends,huh?” [Y/N] thinks before looking at the sky which was dark now
»»————>❃<————««
Peter leaned against the wall of the building as he could hear loud booming noise from inside.He just couldn’t believe he agreed to come to this kind of place all for [Y/N]
“Hey Pete!So I have a performance at this club with a bunch of people I know.Don’t worry I would make sure ya don’t drink anything unnecessary and you are safe.The only problem is that Ned and MJ won’t be able to come due to some other stuff,so you up for it?” was all [Y/N] had to say to Peter before the boy with a blush on hi face agreed
Now here he was waiting for that handsome-he meant good looking friend of his!!
Peter just couldn’t help but have a blush creep onto his face for the unknown time just from thinking about [Y/N]
He was really to deep into this thing and he just remembers the conversation he had with Ned and MJ during [Y/N]’s absence
“Dude I think you are being very obvious there” Ned says making Peter ssh him
“Quiet it down Ned!I’m sure if [Y/N] were to see my face he would make more fun of it!An-and I don’t know why I’m like this around him!!” Peter whisper shouts as they make their way towards their next class
But then he sees Ned making an are-you-serious face before saying “I couldn’t believe mate!!You don’t know why?!Me and MJ thought you knew the reason” making Peter stop in his tracks
“Y-you and MJ know my reason of being like this?!!” Peter says with widen eyes before putting his hands on Ned’s shoulder and started shake him
“Come on Ned tell me the reason why” Peter says while still shaking Ned who says “A-ah st-stop sha-shaking m-me first!” before finally breaking free from his grip
 “Mate,that was really unnecessary but I don’t know if I should tell this...” Ned didn’t continue when he sees MJ coming towards them making him jump before saying “Great!!MJ is here and [Y/N] is not with her!!Let’s hear this from her yourself!MJ comes here!!”
MJ notices how frantically Ned was calling her so she goes towards them before saying “What are you two idiots-” but couldn’t complete when Ned says “Peter doesn’t realizes what he feels towards [Y/N]”
A long pause came between them but before MJ sighs and says “To the library right now” as she starts walking while Ned drags Peter towards it,their class long forgotten
“I can’t believe both of you’re so dense” MJ immediately starts after they had gotten a area good for private talk
“Why are you scolding me??I just don’t know okay!” Peter hissed to which MJ sighs
“Have you told [Y/N] about you being bisexual?” MJ asks first making Peter widen his eyes before mumbling “No,I didn’t get the right moment to....”
But both Ned and MJ heard it loud and clear so making both just sigh more
“Oh Pete,we both thought you two already became a thing and that’s why so much flirting.We didn’t knew you two were still in the pinning stage” Ned says making Peter choke at air
“WHAT?!!” Peter shouts while standing up only to be sushed by the librarian making him sit down with an embarrassed face
“I meant,what the hell are you thinking about?!Just cause I’m Bisexual doesn’t mean I would have a crush on him!I mean yeah I find him attractive and yeah he is kinda cool when he fights of bullies like a hero.But that’s not gay just friendship.I don’t think his accented voice making me hot is strange cause like who doesn’t get tat way after hearing his voice?Btw I once saw how his veins in the hands were bulging up during gym and that was sexy.But I think his laugh is really cute and contrasting compared to his other stuff-” Peter who started to ramble about [Y/N] immediately stopped and looked at his friends to see MJ with a ‘I told ya’ look while Ned just blushed with wide eyes as if he was talking about him
“That’s actually very gay kid” the librarian who came near them to stack a self was listening to all this,says nonchalantly before walking back towards his desk
Peter’s face just burns the deepest red color possible before he buries his face in his hands as a muffled “I know that was very much gay and shows how much I have a crush on him so I hope the earth swallows me up”
But his friends heard it and MJ says “Before that don’t forget to confess your passionate love to him” making Peter groan more
“But mate isn’t it better than?You seem to have more chance with [Y/N] compared to Liz since [Y/N] flirts with you every time he can” Ned says trying to be helpful
“Ned he just does it just cause of his nature and-and someone like him won’t like a nerd like me!!” Peter says while waving his hands around in the air out of frustration
MJ scoffs at this before saying “He may be a playboy but not towards you Peter.Why do you think we thought you two were a couple.He treats you different than others,it’s quiet evident.Just that [Y/N] himself hasn’t realized it.So don’t be a coward and go with this cause we two don’t want to see this stupid unrealized pining between you two anymore”
Peter blushes and peaks between his fingers before asking “Where is [Y/N]?Wasn’t he with you?”
MJ seemed surprised and thinks a little before saying “It seemed something came up which annoyed [Y/N] so he said he would ditch the rest of the classes” deciding it was good to hide her conversation with [Y/N]
“Oh...I see” Peter getting a little worried and thought he would check on [Y/N] later
“Well leaving that aside,don’t be a fool and just go for it Peter” MJ says with an encouraging smile to which Ned nodded before smiling as well
Peter smiled as his thoughts of yesterday’s conversation but he seemed to have not noticed the boy coming towards him
“Hey Pete” a deep Asian ascent suddenly says in front of him making Peter jump back a little out of shock only to see it was [Y/N] who was chuckling at is reaction
And damn,[Y/N] just looked to hot.He was wearing a low v-cut half sleeve red shirt which gave a sneak peek of his toned chest,finger less black gloves,a black trouser and black combat boots.His neck had three necklaces with them being a cross,a razor and a wire looking one,as he could spot ‘Hell’ tattooed between his collar bones.At last he wore black round retro glasses as a cigarette was between his lips
He looked to hot to be legal to Peter and he could prove it as girls along with boys who were walking pass them definitely looked back once at [Y/N] with blush or if they were bold with lust filled eyes
Not minding them at all,[Y/N] flicked his cigarette towards the side before saying “That jump was really cute and did you wait long?” with a smile
Peter feels his cheeks already getting a little hot before saying “I-I was surprised okay?!And no I didn’t wait long but where are you coming from,dressed like that?” stressing a little bit to much at ‘that’
[Y/N] smirks before asking “Like what you see?” making Peter blush more and looks towards the side causing [Y/N] to laugh
“Ehh went out with some friends of mine on my bike before quickly came here cause didn’t wanted to make you wait long.So ready to go inside?” [Y/N] says while pointing at his cool looking bike(Peter thought was just perfect for [Y/N]) before a playful smile
“I have never been this kind of place [Y/N] so I’m kinda nervous and if Aunt May were to find out about this,I would be dead” Peter mumbles nervously to which [Y/N] chuckles
“Don’t worry Pete.You are going inside under my name,so nobody’s gonna do anything and I would make sure of it along with Aunt May not finding out about it.So just trust me” [Y/N] says with serious eyes now his ascent coming out in the ‘So just trust me’ making Peter suck in some air as his blush seemed to intensify
“Okay,I trust you” Peter finally says and the answer seems to satisfy [Y/N] who smiles before saying “Great,let’s go~”
»»————>❃<————««
True to [Y/N]’s words,nobody came near Peter,he wasn't asked if he wanted alcohol or tried to talk with him in general and Peter was give a place where the stage was totally clear
Peter nervously watched as [Y/N] performance was gonna start any minute and he didn’t knew what to expect
“I heard Foxy was going to perform today” Peter hears and see two girls whispering to which the other girl replied “Yes~Oh how I wished he would sent the night with me but too bad he is gay.I also heard today he came here with another boy!”
“They couldn’t be talking about-” Peter couldn’t finish his thoughts when the lights of the room dimmed before all focused on a the stage as a man came to the stage
“I know you all already heard it but without any further wait let’s welcome today’s special appearance of Foxy with his collab performance with our favorite group Leviathan!!And today they are gonna perform their original ‘Take me to cruch’” the man said and the whole crowd cheered loudly
The curtains of the stage raised and Peter widened his eyes to see [Y/N] sitting behind a drum set which a fox logo drawn in it as some other people with instruments stand on both his sides
My lover's got humor He's the giggle at a funeral Knows everybody's disapproval
“Ehh,Foxy was [Y/N]’s stage name?B-but leaving that aside [Y/N] can sing so nicely along with being able to play the drums?!How much more perfect can he be??” Peter thought as he heard [Y/N]’s accented english through this speaker with a blush on his face.He tuned out all the other’s voices so he can give all his attention towards [Y/N]
I should've worshiped him sooner If the heavens ever did speak He's the last true mouthpiece Every Sunday's getting more bleak A fresh poison each week "We were born sick" You heard them say it My church offers no absolutes He tells me "Worship in the bedroom" The only Heaven I'll be sent to Is when I'm alone with you I was born sick, but I love it Command me to be well
[Y/N] finally started to play the drum and people just swayed like it was a concert with this phone flashlight on
  Aaa, Amen, Amen, Amen
[Y/N] looked towards the crowd and immediately his eyes made contact with Peter who just felt his body on fire under his gaze
Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life
[Y/N] kept his gaze on Peter and Peter felt as though the song was being dedicated to him.He thought that was a very stupid imagination,making Peter break his contact with [Y/N] as he looked towards the ground
Yet when he again looked up and saw [Y/N] still looking towards him,he felt a tiny bit of himself believing that maybe it could be dedicated to him.”I mean it isn’t a crime to imagine stuff like that” Peter thought as he again made contact with [Y/N]’s deep black eyes
If I'm a pagan of the good times My lover's the sunlight To keep the god on my side He demands a sacrifice Drain the whole sea Get something shiny Something meaty for the main course That's a fine looking high horse What you got in the stable? We've a lot of starving faithful That looks tasty That looks plenty This is hungry work
Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife Offer me my deathless death Good God, let me give you my life Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife Offer me my deathless death Good God, let me give you my life
No masters or kings when the ritual begins There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene Only then I am human Only then I am clean
Oh, oh Amen, Amen, Amen
The moment [Y/N] hit the line,people went crazy and started to sing along for what seemed as the last part of the song
Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life
The entire roared up in people’s shouting and screams which Peter thought was the right thing to do for the performance was crazy and awesome
He was happy he could record that whole thing
But then as he saw how [Y/N] bumped fist with the other people on stage with a smirk,he remembered what MJ told his causing a blush to form at this face
“O-okay Peter!!Y-you are going t-to do this!!You are g-going to co-confess to [Y/N]!” Peter thought inside him before he decided to look for [Y/N]
But sadly [Y/N] seemed to have gone down the stage so picking up his courage,Peter went inside the crowd to look for him
Peter looked aimlessly among the crowd and luckily nobody bothered to stop him
It was tough to go around these sea of kind of drunk bodies without gaining much attention but it was fine with some work all thanks to Peter’s senses
Peter made to near the stage and felt a smile came to his face when he started to see [Y/N] standing near the stage
But as Peter was about to reach [Y/N] felt his breathing stop at the sight in front of him
[Y/N] was leaning against the wall as another shorter boy was leaning on his chest while [Y/N]’s hands were wrapped around the shorter boy’s waist
Peter felt his heart never run as fast as he was feeling now and he definitely stopped breathing when he saw [Y/N] kissing  the shorter boy
Peter just stood there as he saw his crush smooch some unknown guy in the club and he freaking didn’t knew what to do
He just wanted to get out of the club but to his misery [Y/N] moves his eyes and low & behold,he made eye contact with Peter
“Peter?” [Y/N] says immediately stopping his kissing session and that prompt was all it took for Peter to start running from that place
“Peter!!” [Y/N]’s voice perfectly reached his ears in the loud club and he hates the fact that he could perfectly hear his voice among others
He didn’t stopped to apologize for bumping with people and made a beeline for the exit before rushing out of the club
Tears started to slowly come out of his eyes and he just bit his lower lips to make sure a sob doesn’t comes out of his mouth as he made his way towards hi apartment
“Of course,‘He has a crush on you’ that’s so stupid and dumb..” Peter thought bitterly as his walked towards his apartment
»»————>❃<————««
Eomma - mother and Appa - Father for those who didn’t knew
Hello everyone!! Finally done with the next chapter,wohoo!! It took time and I think this is longer than the last one?I totally didn’t used this chapter to put ‘Take me to church’,totally not!Nah uh!Lol,well jokes aside if you guys haven’t heard Hozier just check him out cause he is an awesome artist.Anyway the next chapter would definitely take time so please stick with me till then and hope you enjoyed this one
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adarlingwrites · 3 years
Text
Dormouse
Summary:
After playing a game with two of The Beach's most dangerous members, the dormouse gets her tail caught by a tiger's paw.
He’ll make a wildcat out of her.
Author’s note: I kind of regret the song choice due to its association with a certain movie but... it fits the chapter's themes. -shrug-
Edit: Changed the song I associated with this chapter because I think it suits Aguni and Yamaneko's pseudo-paternal relationship, which was highlighted more than the murder mystery on the Beach
go ahead and cry, little boy | you know that your daddy did too, you know what your mama went through | you gotta let it out soon, just let it out
X
As if a spotlight had been shone on her, Yamaneko’s body tenses at everyone’s scrutiny.
“Why does this concern me?” she starts, looking at the faces around her, all of them with varying degrees of wariness, save for her fellow militants. Her eyes flick to her father’s, and resentment blooms in her chest, spreading through her veins like bitter poison.
“She’s your stepmother,” Ann responds, examining the victim’s corpse with the purpose of scrutinizing every detail. Then, her eyes flick to Mr. Yamane, looking at him with an unreadable expression. “Though, she looks more like an older sister.”
“We weren’t close. I haven’t spoken a word to her before we arrived on the Beach.”
Ann tilts the victim’s head with a gloved hand, exposing the wound to view. “I’ve yet to examine the wound, but it’s clear that whoever killed her used a sharp object. You’re one of the few militants who exclusively carry a bladed weapon, along with Last Boss.”
Folding her arms Yamaneko was about to go off on the taller woman, but she mentions something else. ”He’s under suspicion, too,” she mentions as she motioned to Mr. Yamane. “Her body was dumped from their shared room.”
“Me? That’s preposterous! Are you suggesting that I have something to do with my own wife’s death? I’m not even allowed to hold a weapon! It’s those militants you should be looking at.”
“You know what?” Yamaneko interrupts, bringing all the attention back to her when her head whips towards his direction, and her voice drips with venom at every syllable she utters. “If you can beat your first wife and your daughters for years, and lie through your teeth every time the authorities get involved, I believe you have the capacity to be violent with anyone and lie to our faces.”
“You dare accuse me when you’re the one who carries a weapon and holds a criminal record,” Mr. Yamane spits back, pointing at his estranged daughter with a wrinkled finger, spittle flying from his mouth. “I’ve raised you myself. You’re an uncontrollable child. Disobedient. Delinquent! You dirtied the family’s name when your name showed up on the tabloids twice. It’s no wonder even your sister gave up on you.”
It took every fiber of Yamaneko’s self control to stop her from lunging at her father’s provocation. Instead, she hissed through gritted teeth. “Don’t bring Mai into this. You are the reason why I had to resort to stealing! You kicked me out. I couldn’t even find an apartment without a guarantor because I was a minor. Do you think I would resort to that if I wasn’t so desperate without a family’s support? That criminal record means nothing here anyway!”
“My, my, this is a conversation you shouldn’t be having in front of strangers. Are scandals really commonplace in your family?” Niragi interrupts, and aims his rifle at Mr. Yamane’s chest. “Why don’t we just kill the old man?”
“See?! Even the company you keep reflects who you really are,” Mr. Yamane blurts, face red from rage. “No amount of discipline I tried to instill in Minami worked to keep her in check. She's a criminal. It’s why I disowned her.”
Aguni remains stoic throughout the entire ordeal, but the last thing the Yamacorp CEO said stirred something hateful inside him. He towered over Mr. Yamane in a show of intimidation. “I thought I heard you call my underling ‘daughter’ in that confrontation I broke up. So which is it?”
And just like that, Mr. Yamane’s domineering facade crumbles, stammering to answer the militants’ chief.
Hatter holds out an open palm, motioning everyone to quiet down. “These accusations won’t get us anywhere. Regardless of who killed Mrs. Yamane, peace on the Beach has been disturbed,” he mutters, expression grim, and jovial demeanor absent.
“The number of violent cases has been rising, but we have handled them quietly. This one is a public spectacle that might send ripples of fear through the entire Beach. Aguni, tell your men to go harder on their patrols and to keep themselves restrained.”
“You’re not even going to interrogate her?” Mr. Yamane exclaims, pointing at his daughter.
This time, Aguni is openly sneering at him. “Why are you so eager to accuse my underling of a murder, old man?”
The former CEO shrinks before Aguni, and any bravado he had dissipated. Yamaneko couldn’t suppress a satisfied smirk.
“Ah, Mr. Yamane, you were some corporate bigwig before coming to this country, am I right?” Hatter asks him. “As number one,” he nearly growls, voice dropping an octave. “I call the shots here. Your daughter brought back high-value cards from the games. Any member of the Beach like that is a fine asset. Unless she’s proven to be a traitor, murderer or not, no action will be taken against her without the executive board’s say.”
“Then you’re complicit in my wife’s murder. I won’t forget this,” Mr. Yamane spits, turning around to barge out the door.
Niragi scoffs at his dramatic exit. “I really want to put a bullet between his eyes. What a bastard, shitting on the military sect like that.”
“As much as I hate that asshole’s guts, you killing him right after his wife just died would just draw more suspicion to me, and the other militants,” Yamaneko replies, folding her arms and eyebrows creased.
From the corner of her eyes, Mira glances at her with a newfound curiosity.
“I think I should also mention that he begged me for help to get out of this place. The executive board should watch out. He’s known for stabbing business associates in the back to climb the ranks. My father is highly manipulative, and doesn’t stop until he gets the result that he wants,” Yamaneko adds.
“Hmm. He sounds like a potential Heart specialist too. Perhaps it runs in the family?” Mira croons thoughtfully, looking at her with the eyes of a child examining a shiny new bug she had found in the garden. “Ah, but you’re willing to impart information about your own father for the sake of the Beach and the executive board?” she asks.
Yamaneko cringes at the comparison between her and her father. “My loyalty is to the Beach, and to my chief. My chief is part of the executive board, isn’t he?”
Mira regards the CEO’s estranged daughter for a moment, and grins.
“That’s enough. Hopefully this incident is just an isolated case. Ann, if any similar cases show up, you know what to do,” Hatter said, almost with an air of boredom. And with that, Hatter leaves, adjourning the meeting.
“I do think an interrogation is in order, though. If you would allow me to borrow her for a moment, Aguni?” Ann asks, tilting her head towards Yamaneko.
Aguni’s stony expression turns sour, but he nods. The younger militant steps right ahead. “If it helps me prove that I have nothing to do with this, sure.”
The chief backs off, and he turns to the rest of the militants present. “I want to have a word with the two of you. Now.”
As the chief goes off on Niragi and Last Boss, Yamaneko follows Ann to a storage closet for cleaning supplies, and clears her throat.
“Well? We’re clearly not here to play seven minutes in heaven, so if you have a question, shoot.”
Ann rolls her eyes, expression otherwise stoic. “Right. How do you usually execute traitors?”
Yamaneko gulps, looking at her hands. “I usually aim for the carotid, or any other large artery I can target.”
“And why do you choose that method? Are there any advantages to it?” Ann asks, taking out a notepad and starting to jot down on it.
“It puts them out of their misery fast. Plus, the blood spurts in one steady stream without much spraying. It makes cleanup easier.”
Ann nods, and flips a page on the notepad. “What were you doing at around ten thirty in the morning?”
“Grabbing lunch at the lobby,” Yamaneko responds, folding her arms.
“Who were you with? Who did you speak to?”
“Last Boss. Though, I saw my father in the lobby too.”
Nodding and writing, Ann continues. “And what were you doing around two hours before the incident?”
Yamaneko hesitated for a moment, and Ann watched her like a hawk, noting the shift in her body language. Clearing her throat, the militant stammers. “I… I was having sex.”
“With whom?” Ann asks with a completely straight face, pausing from writing on the notepad.
“Is this even necessary to ask? God… I was doing it with Last Boss, obviously. I’m pretty sure some of the people in the rooms nearby heard us too,” Yamaneko says through her teeth, shifting her weight on one foot. “Can I go now?” she asks, face red.
Ann nods, and tucks away her notepad and pen. “You’re free to go.”
The militant leaves. She meets up with the others, who were receiving a tongue-lashing from the chief, and she joins their misery. Afterwards, Aguni motions at his underlings, and they follow. As they walked through the halls of the hotel, Yamaneko felt strength in their numbers.
Then, Aguni halts. “Yamane.” Her head perks up. “How many visa days do you have left?”
She pauses for a moment to think. “More than a week.”
“You’re on patrol duty with me for a few nights.”
“Right. Understood, chief.”
“Meet me tonight at the gate. You’re all free to leave.”
Niragi went ahead and trudged off, mood sour from Aguni’s reminders on the use of violence on the Beach. After checking if no one else is around, Last Boss puts an arm around Yamaneko’s waist, eyes searching hers.
“I’m okay,” she reassures him, before pressing a quick peck on his lips.
“You haven’t been on a patrol yet, haven’t you?” Takatora asked her.
“Mhmm.”
“Stay alert,” he says, voice hinting at some softness.
“Of course.”
Takatora would be lying if he said that he’s nervous about his lover’s first patrol, but as he watches Yamaneko meet up with their leader from a window, he felt some relief knowing that she’s made it far enough to rise to number sixteen and gain some semblance of trust from their chief.
Feeling a little cold from the absence of her jacket, Yamaneko walks towards Aguni, doing the best she can to look focused. She wouldn’t want to disappoint him on her first patrol.
“Yamane, eyes peeled,” Aguni said as he drew his pistol and motioned the younger militant to follow.
“Yes, chief.”
Halfway through their patrol, Yamaneko speaks up. “By the way chief, could you refer to me with my nickname instead?”
This gains her a stern, questioning look. “I don’t want to be associated with my father’s family name anymore.”
The look on Aguni’s face softens ever so slightly, and he grunts in acknowledgment.
“You don’t have to call me chief all the time,” Aguni says to her after some time as he scanned the perimeter for any suspicious activity. His underling looks up to him, a curious look on her face. She hasn’t heard the chief say much outside of games.
“But I find it respectful,” Yamaneko replies, hands hovering near her thighs, where her knives are holstered. Aguni blinks a few times before moving again.
“With proper training, you’d fit in with the SDF. There are more female recruits now, I heard.”
“Nah. I’m too much of a non-conformist for that.”
“And what makes you say that?”
Yamaneko motions to her face with one hand. “Good luck trying to scrub all this makeup off my face, chief.”
The snort he gives her sounds almost amused, but Aguni’s expression remains stern. “That attitude of yours, did it get you in trouble with your father?”
Yamaneko is taken aback from the personal question, but nonetheless, she responds to her leader. “Well, yes. I tried to suppress it and be a good daughter, I promise. Regardless, it’s just an excuse to beat me. Everything I did got me in trouble with him,” Yamaneko says almost too casually, as if her experiences weren’t the damaging, traumatic ones that lingered for years.
Old, painful memories started to stir within Aguni’s psyche upon hearing Yamaneko open up about her own upbringing. In the young woman before him, he saw shards of his past self, the angry young man who wanted to get back at his own father, but was robbed of the opportunity due to his death. His knuckles turn white from the rage simmering in his heart.
They continued walking, looking over the fences for any possible intruders. Every now and then, Aguni would tell the young militant what to watch out for, and what to do in certain scenarios. The patrol ended peacefully, much to Yamaneko’s relief. She leaned against a fence when they got back to the gate. Aguni folds his arms and observes her.
“Is there anything else you need, chief?” Yamaneko asks, a hint of nervousness in her voice.
“Yamaneko, day or night?”
“Uh, night.”
“From now on, you’re training with me every five in the afternoon, sharp.”
Eyebrows rising up her forehead, Yamaneko has a dumbfounded look on her face. “Training? For what?”
“Do you want to gain an edge over your bastard father, or not?”
One look in the chief’s eyes, and she knew he had similar experiences in the past; of feeling small and powerless against someone who should have been one’s shelter from the world. “Yes.”
“Then don’t be late.”
Aguni leaves, while a dumbfounded Yamaneko stays in her spot, still processing the events of the day. Cold fingers trail on her good shoulder and she turns to see her lover’s face. A smile blooms on her painted lips.
“Takatora. You didn’t attend a game?”
“I was patrolling on the upper floors. I can’t leave you here on the Beach alone either.”
“Ah,” she replies, holding his hand as they walk back to their room. “I guess we deserve a little break from all the madness of the games.”
After some time, as they lay on their shared bed, Yamaneko asks her lover a question. “Are you worried about my father being here?”
He nods, and squeezes her small hand.
“Don’t worry too much. Besides, the chief said he’ll be training me every five in the afternoon. I’ll kick the bastard’s ass if he tries anything.”
Takatora tilts his head. “The chief?” he asks almost disbelievingly.
“Yeah. It’s kind of strange.”
“You didn’t do anything to earn his ire, didn’t you?”
Yamaneko raises an eyebrow. “No.”
“Good luck. He’s... strict.”
“I know, I know.”
The first day she trained with Aguni, she expected it to be difficult, but not this severe. The wildcat pants as she ran her second lap around the Beach, sweat dripping from her skin and stinging the healing burns on her left arm. Onlookers were staring, and some militants were chuckling among themselves. Niragi sees her, and yells after her.
“Yamaneko, what the hell are you doing?”
“Chief wanted me to run laps!” she shouts, voice hoarse.
“What did you do?”
“Huh?” Yamaneko asks, irritation growing. “No time to talk, gotta run!”
Hanako, the militant who once accompanied her in the dressing room, watches as Yamaneko jogs past her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh. When the chief asks us to do something like that, it’s usually because we pissed him off,” she mutters.
“She must’ve pissed him off bad, then,” Saiko butts in, passing the other girl a cigarette.
As fast as her legs can take her, Yamaneko sprints at the last few meters when Aguni comes into view. As she runs past him, she collapses and lies on the ground. Her feet ache, and it doesn’t help that her sandals aren’t made for running.
“What the hell are you doing? You need to cool down. Walk!” he barks, and Yamaneko suppresses a pathetic sigh as she forces herself up. She paces around in circles, occasionally stretching her arms and legs. Satisfied, Aguni lets her sit, and he tosses her a bottle of water. She gulps it down.
“I’m gonna hit the showers now, chief,” she pants, and Aguni tilts his head.
“You think you’re done for the day?” he asks.
Yamaneko couldn’t answer, looking at him in disbelief.
“Not yet, you’re not. You still have some grapples and knife techniques to study. Stand up!”
She swore she wanted to cry, but Yamaneko kept her mouth in a tight line, swallowed hard, and got on her feet.
“This is nothing compared to the shit I endured in the past,” she thinks to herself, and carries on.
Two. Three. Five. Ten times, she ended up on her ass, disarmed and beaten by the chief every single time. As she was starting to reconsider what she thought earlier, the chief holds a meaty hand out, and she grabs it. Aguni helps her to her feet, and pats her back, almost making her lurch forward.
Yamaneko freezes at the friendly touch. All the touches she got from authority figures, her father especially, was nothing like this.
“Focus on your footwork.”
Then, he leaves without saying anything else. Tired, bruised, but fulfilled, Yamaneko shouts a spirited “Yes, chief!” as he walks away.
Taking a deep breath, the younger militant finishes what’s left of her water, and heads back to her shared room. Takatora is waiting inside, fresh from a patrol, and upon seeing her sweaty and disheveled form, he lets go of whatever he was reading to check on her.
Yamaneko holds two thumbs up and beams at him, voice failing her.
“Did the chief go too hard on you?”
“No. Well, yes. But, it’s fine. I learned a lot,” she says as she sits next to him. “You know, he’s more of a parental figure to me than my own father.”
Takatora snorts at the idea of Aguni being a father, but the more he thought about it, the more he agreed with her. He’ll never say it out loud, though.
On the tenth day of Yamaneko’s training, in the middle of sparring with the chief, one of Hatter’s men approached them.
“Aguni. Please come with us. Take her with you too,” he says in an urgent manner, brows furrowed in concern.
“You better have a good reason for this interruption,” he growls, picking up a towel and slinging it over his shoulder.
“There’s been another killing. Please take care of it discreetly. Hatter doesn’t like it when things like this goes public.”
A lump forms in Yamaneko’s throat as she follows Aguni to the hotel room holding the victim. When they arrived, Ann was there, assessing the situation, and the victim sprawled on the floor, a diagonal cut on his neck. A few men were setting up a stretcher nearby, and they halted when they saw the leader of the militants enter the room.
“It’s similar to the previous case,” Ann starts, taking off her shades. “The wounds are consistent with the type I found on Mrs. Yamane. A laceration to the neck with a sharp object,” she continues, holding a clean handkerchief and tilting the victim’s head. “And this time, the glass fragments stuck on his skin are more obvious. Whoever committed these murders used a shard of glass as an improvised weapon.”
The taller woman turns to Yamaneko. “I’ve corroborated your statement with the other residents on your floor. They indeed heard you that morning, so you couldn’t have been with your stepmother. Your method of exsanguinating traitors before disposal doesn’t align with the ones used in these murders, either. The odds of you being the killer are low, from this information.”
“Any clue on the killer's identity?” Aguni asks, watching the corpse. The victim died with his eyes wide open, the look of terror etched on his face.
“We have a lead,” says Ann, full of cold confidence. “For now, bring her to the makeshift lab discreetly. I need to do a full autopsy.”
Boots thudding against the floor, Aguni walks towards the corpse, and hooks his arms under his armpits. Instinctively, Yamaneko grabs his feet. As they lay him down on the stretcher, the victim’s mangled arm, riddled with stab wounds due to his attempt of protecting himself from his assailant, slips and dangles off the edge. Looking around, Yamaneko grabs the end of a curtain, and puts it back in place. The victim’s Beach tag, number 28, reflects the moonlight streaming from the window, and Yamaneko’s eyes trail to the glittering mess of broken glass on the floor, which contrasts with the dark blood splatters on the wood.
“Hey, Ann,” she calls her attention. “I think I found the murder weapon.”
The taller woman hands her the handkerchief, and she picks up a large shard of glass, its pointed end jagged and stained with blood. Ann holds it out in the light, making out some fingerprints.
“Good,” she said, then she prompts them to follow.
“That face is going to haunt me,” one of Hatter’s men comments, and Yamaneko gulps.
“Me too,” she adds.
Hatter’s devotee looks at the militant, a question hanging from his open mouth, but he chooses to keep it shut. Sensing his hesitation, Yamaneko rolls her eyes and quietly gets to work.
Glancing at the dead’s face, whose eyes were frozen in an expression of distress, Yamaneko grimaces and closes his eyes with her fingers. She pulls the curtains off the rods, and covers his bloody body. The crimson quickly soaks through the fabric.
That night, the wildcat sat in the bath longer than usual.
Wading over to his lover’s side, Takatora helps Yamaneko settle into his chest as he wraps both arms around her. In silence, she mulls about her day, brows furrowed.
“You’re bothered by something,” Takatora speaks up.
“I had to carry a corpse with the chief earlier. And my father is still living on the Beach. Ugh. Takatora, I just want to get away from all this. I mean, I’m not going to leave and turn traitor. I crave some change of scenery, maybe explore some places outside the Beach.”
Playing with Yamaneko’s hair, Takatora presses his mouth behind her head. “Supply runners leave for food and gasoline at eight in the morning. I help put away the gas when they return in the afternoon.”
Yamaneko looks up to give him a mischievous grin. “Do you think we can scare them into driving for us?”
He nods, and she laughs with a childish giddiness.
“Great! There’s this place I’ve been wanting to visit again.”
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amazingmsme · 4 years
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A Bard’s Broken Heart
AN: This is yet another 10k+ post mountain fic about Jaskier. I have a bit of a problem, but I promise it’s good! Jaskier’s sad and fed up so he sings! The songs in this fic are Fair by the Amazing Devil, I've No More Fucks to Give by Thomas Benjamin Wild, Farewell Wanderlust by the Amazing Devil, and No Worries by Robert Hallow.
Jaskier's ears were ringing, his mouth slightly agape as he stared in horror at the man he once thought was his best friend, who he had loved, but who clearly didn't love him.
"If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands."  The words were the harshest that have ever been thrown his way. His voice was a deep and angry growl that sent a chill up his spine, and not the good kind. It took him a moment to gather himself enough to speak, and he couldn't be more grateful that Geralt had turned his back to him. If he had to look at him he knew he would burst into tears.
"Right. Uh... Right then... I'll- I'll go get the rest of the story from the others..." He knew he wouldn't. "See you around Geralt." Except he hoped he wouldn't. He could go the rest of his life without seeing this bastard and it would be fine by him. Except he'll miss him... fuck everything hurts so damn much.
He turns and slowly makes his way down the mountain. Why is it that whenever your sad, you're slow? He wanted nothing more than to be as far away from the mountain as possible, and yet his feet drug in the dirt. He finally made it to the lower level of the camps where everyone left their horses, and that's when he saw her.
A sob caught in his throat as he realized he would never get to see her again after this...
He trudged over to Roach, her ears perked towards him as she tossed her head. Hot tears streamed down his face and a trail of snot dripped from his nose. He reached up with his handkerchief to blow. She gave a concerned whinny, gently bumping his shoulder with her head to comfort him. He only cried louder. He wrapped his arms around her neck and cried the hardest he had since he began his walk. Gods, he could barley breathe.
"Goodbye girl. I'm gonna miss you so much." He pulled back, and Roach nickered in distress, pressing into him more. Jaskier stroked her muzzle as he spoke around sobs. "I have to leave, and I'm afraid I won't be coming back." She snorted, as if questioning him.
"I know, I don't want to either. But you know how Geralt is, and he made it clear he never liked me." Call him crazy, but he swears she shook her head. He sighed, "It's true I'm afraid. I'd tell you what he said, but it hurts too much to repeat. So I guess this is goodbye," he sniffled, pulling out an apple he had been saving, just for her. He gave her one last, tight hug and a few pets before turning and going.
Roach pulled on her tether, trying to follow him. The farther he walked, the more distressed she became.
Why was Jaskier leaving them? Why was he so sad? What did Geralt do? Surely this isn't the last time she'll see him, she had really grown to love him, almost as much as she loved Geralt.
Jaskier's crying increased tenfold as he heard Roach's neighs of distress. She pawed at the ground, throwing her head back as she brayed. Jaskier didn't dare look back. He didn't need his heart broken a second time today... Truly he would die.
It was well past nightfall when he made it to the closest town near the base of the mountain. He knew if he camped on the mountain it would only increase his chances of seeing Geralt or Yennefer, and that was the farthest thing from what he needed.
It was barely past midnight when he stumbled into the inn's tavern, weary and weak. He sat at the bar and ordered the first of many drinks. He needed to forget. He needed to be numb. Someone noticed his lute case and came up demanding a song. He looked at them with bloodshot eyes and answered in a broken voice, "I'm not working right now, sorry. I've had a rough day." But they were insistent and even more drunk than he was.
They grabbed him by the collar, lifting him off of his stool. The barmaid eyed them wearily, unsure of what to do.
"I said, play us a fucking song."
"Are you perhaps deaf? I'm not playing anything, I simply wish to have a few drinks and a bite to eat before I retire for the night," he clarified, shoving the man off.
"I ain't deaf! Now if you know what's good for you, you'll play a fucking song or else!"
Jaskier was done. There was nothing left to fight for, he just felt empty. Nothing mattered anymore. "Oh so maybe you're just stupid then. My mistake." He stood to go to his room only to be shoved back down in his seat. Before he could do anything, his head was slammed into the bar. He burst to life, ready to unleash all of his hurt onto this man who picked the wrong fight.
This is what Jaskier needed. A good adrenaline rush! He craved to feel bone crack under his fists, to have blood on his hands, both from this poor sucker and his own cracked knuckles. Only some bastard came and stole that away, delivering a swift punch to the side of the head, knocking him out. The barmaid had ran and gotten the owner, and the assailant was thrown outside. Jaskier huffed. Seemed he can't even have the pleasure of getting the shit beat out of him. It would sure feel a hell of a lot better than what he was currently feeling. And it would've been a nice distraction.
The man sat down next to him, and Jaskier refused to look up. He just took a few large gulps from his tankard before speaking.
"I would've handled it you know."
"I don't doubt it, but you look like you've had a rough day."
Jaskier snorted into his glass. "You have no idea," he muttered. He glanced to the side, taking him in. He was tall, maybe even taller than Geralt. Shit, no, don't think about him. You can't let this stranger see you cry. He allowed himself to turn his head more, studying him. He had dark hair, just past his ears and ended near the nape of his neck. His face was handsome, even if he had a huge scar running down his right side and caused his lip to curl, almost in a sneer. And how could he possibly miss those striking gold eyes.
Jaskier winced, finishing off his drink and gesturing for another.
"No offense but the last thing I need is to be saved, especially by some witcher,"  he was decently drunk, his words slurring but he managed to get just the right amount of discontent in his voice. The witcher held up his hands in mock surrender.
"Never said you did." He was just about to leave, but a strange part of Jaskier wanted him to stay. Maybe so he could tell him everything he wishes he could tell Geralt now.
"Y-you know, you aren't so great-" he started. The man tilted his head in curiosity, settling back into his chair to listen. "With your stupid potions and swords. I mean yeah you guys are strong but there's plenty of strong folk out there. And FUCK all that "witchers don't feel" bullshit, I know it's a damn lie!" He pointed an accusatory finger at him. The witcher only smirked and put his hand back on the table.
"I mean who the hell do you think you're fooling? Yourselves. I mean you guys are so emotionally constipated you can't even bring yourself to call someone a friend after they've been traveling with you for two fucking decades! And not once in that time did I hear a thank you Jaskier, you're not as useless as I once thought Jaskier. No, it's always you're such a fucking nuisance, and you ruined my whole life." He deflated after his little rant, hunching over his drink in shame. The witcher held out his hand.
"Eskel," he greeted formally. Jaskier took it in a loose handshake, not having the energy to put effort in it.
"Jaskier," he mumbled.
"So, emotionally constipated, huh? Pretty grumpy from the sounds of it too," he pondered aloud. Jaskier looked at him, puzzled. "And let you travel with him for 20 years. Take in the consideration that fine gentleman demanding you sing for him... you were with Geralt," he concluded.
"You're good."
"So, what the hell did my dumbass brother do now?"
"What didn't he do would be a better question. I can't believe I stayed with him after all this time. I should've never started singing his praises," he lamented.
Eskel shrugged, "You sure did help the rest of us out. Thanks for that." Jaskier stared at him with wide, hopeful eyes. Tears barely held back.
"Y-you're welcome."
"Look, Geralt's an idiot, especially with his feelings. But what I know is his bark can be a hell of a lot worse than his bite. He probably didn't mean whatever it was he said," he tried to comfort him. Jaskier shook his head.
"You weren't there. In all the time we've been together I've never seen him so angry. And it was all directed at me. You wanna know what that bastard whoreson said to me?" Eskel nodded. He was very curious.
"First he snapped and blamed me for all his life troubles, simply because I was there. Then he said, he said..." he trailed off, a lump in his throat preventing his speech.
"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if you want."
"No, no I need to. Need to get this off my chest, share the burden, you know?" He took a shakeup breath to brace himself. "If life could give me one blessing... i-it would b-be to take you o-off my hands," he barely managed to say. He couldn't hold it back any longer and the tears began to flow once more. He turned away from Eskel.
He was shocked to say the least.
"Wow... Geralt you really fucked up," he said in disbelief.
"I never want to see him again," Jaskier spat out.
"I don't blame you."
"But... is it wrong that I also do? Want to see him?" he asked. Eskel shook his head.
"Not at all. Like you said, you traveled together for 20 years. Hard not to get attached to someone during all that time."
"Not hard for Geralt apparently," he snarled. Eskel placed a firm hand on his shoulder.
"Fuck him."
For the first time that day, Jaskier gave a small, albeit sad smile. "Yeah, fuck him." They clinked their mugs together, chugging the rest of their drinks. Eskel ordered two more.
"You've had a shit day, let me pay for it," he insisted.
"Thank you," Jaskier said. "Not just for the round, but for everything. For listening."
Eskel shrugged, "What can I say? You're fun to listen to, even if you're sad as hell right now. Bet you're a hell of a guy when you're not all torn up like this."
Jaskier was floored. Maybe because it was the most genuine compliment he's ever received, or maybe because it was a witcher who said it. Or maybe because Geralt had never said anything half as nice to him.
He put a hand over his heart, "Wow, that's- that's the nicest thing a witcher's ever said to me." He was only half joking. Many drinks later, and they were both sufficiently drunk. Jaskier leaned against him, resting his head on his shoulder. It had been... years, decades even, since someone touched Eskel like this. No traces of fear, hatred or disgust on his scent. He wasn't paid to hold him like this. He just simply treated him as though he were normal. It made his head spin, and not just from the amble amount of ale he had.
"I can't believe I lo-hic-loved him," he slurred, interrupted by a hiccup. Eskel's eyes widened at the confession. "I'm just a ssstupid, hopeless romantic who fell in love with someone who- who can't even admit, at the very least! That they like me!"
He patted his back in a mimic of comfort. "Hey, uh- I'm sure you're not those things. Romantic yes. But stupid and hopeless? I don't think so." Jaskier reached a hand up to pat his cheek, his scarred cheek, in thanks.
"Oh you poor stupid witcher. If I am anything it is stupid and hopeless." Eskel rolled his eyes.
"You said loved, as in past tense."
Jaskier sighed, sitting up on his own. Eskel almost felt sad. "Yes well, it's hard to love someone after they say something like that. But I already miss him. Yearn to see and touch him again. But I can't let that happen."
"Why not?" Eskel tilted his head in curiosity.
"Because I'm weak," he said, his voice so small. So utterly broken. "I'm weak for him. I already know that if I even catch a glimpse of him I'll come crawling back, begging for forgiveness." His voice was wet and heavy now.
"You're not the one who should be begging for forgiveness."
"You see, my brain knows that, but my heart tells me to try and get him back. I feel, torn. Why do I still want him even after he shoved me away in the worst way possible?" His eyes glistened with unshed tears as he looked to Eskel for an answer.
"Uuuh, look kid, if you're looking for a real answer, I don't have one. I may understand feelings better than Geralt, but they're still a mystery to me," he admitted.
"Yes, I suppose so.
Eskel was staring into his mug when he spoke. "Winter will be here before you know it. Normally we all head to the keep and wait out the bad months. I'll probably see Geralt, want me to, I don't know, pass on a message? Teach him a lesson?" he asked. It wouldn't be the first time he beat him up, and he always had fun doing so. And Lambert always liked to watch.
Jaskier snorted. "I don't know. Make him feel guilty though, if you can. Tell him he blew it."
Eskel nodded solemnly. "I can do that. Anywhere specific you're planning on going?" he questioned. Jaskier eyed him suspiciously.
"Depends. Do you plan to tell Geralt where I ran off to?" he asks. Eskel shrugged.
"Depends on how sorry I think he is," he answered truthfully. Jaskier didn't really like that answer but at least it was honest. "I won't tell him if he hasn't learned his lesson. You have my word."
Jaskier hums. "I don't really know where I'll go from here. Wherever I feel like going, I suppose. I might go back to Oxenfurt and teach for the winter." Eskel nodded.
"Right, well. I'll be on the lookout for you. Stay safe." He clapped him on the back as he rose from his seat, heading out of the tavern doors and into the night. Jaskier went up to the room he rented and cried himself to sleep.
~~~~
Geralt realized his mistake, and shame washed over him. His anger at Jaskier had been misplaced, and he didn't deserve his harsh words. But it was so easy to blame him instead of taking the fault as his own. As he walked down the mountain alone, he began to feel worse and worse about what he said to Jaskier. He always had good intentions, even if things didn't always work out. He was pure at heart and tried his best. Geralt should've tried harder. He needed to find him and apologize. And hopefully it wasn't too late for Jaskier to take him back.
When he made it down to Roach, she seemed less than pleased with him. As she saw him approach in the distance, she snorted angrily and tossed her head, looking away from him. It didn't take long to figure out why. The closer he got to her, the more he could smell Jaskier. His scent was all over her, mingling with salty tears and bitter sorrow. Geralt frowned to himself, knowing he was the reason Jaskier had left in tears.
Roach didn't meet his eyes, even when he tried talking to her. He stroked her mane apologetically, but still received the cold shoulder. He sighed.
"I promise, I'll make things right with him." She whinnied as if to say, "You better."
At least that had been his plans. But the bard was surprisingly hard to track. The trail had gone cold by the time he had made it to the small town at the base of the mountain. This would have to wait. He was running low on coin and needed to find jobs.
~~~~
Jaskier had no idea where he was going. He drifted with the wind, a truly lost spirit unsure where he would turn up next. He supposed he could continue on the path, drifting from town to town like he normally did. However, that increased his chances of running into Geralt... He could head to the coast alone, but that would just remind him more of his rejection. It was too early to head back to Oxenfurt, summer only just around the corner. Hm, the road it was, he supposed.
He sat on the forest floor, idly strumming his lute. He needed new music. Something to help sort out the mess inside his brain.
"Damnit Jaskier! Why is it whenever I find myself in a pile of shit these days, it's you, shoveling it?"
"Well, that's not fair-"
Fair. Nothing in this word was fair. He inhaled deeply, breathing with the grass and sighing with the trees. He began plucking a few chords, testing the waters of a new song.
"It's what my heart just yearns to say, In ways that can't be said. It's what my rotting bones will sing When the rest of me is dead."
His fingers gained more confidence, strumming more clearly as he continued.
"It's what's engraved upon my heart, In letters deeply worn. Today I somehow understand the reason I was born."
Images of Geralt flash before his eyes. A dazzling bright smile, so rarely seen. A voice that could be so gentle when he tried to be. Soft golden eyes, warmer than sunshine and sweeter than honey. His hair was surprisingly soft for everything that happened to it. Maybe monster guts are a sort of conditioner.
But he also remembers his lips curling in hatred. Evil words spat his direction, ending 20 years worth of friendship. Well, friendship on Jaskier's part.
He thought of Yennefer, and everything she took from them both. Things had been relatively fine until that fucking djinn. But... maybe Geralt did care after all, at least a tiny bit. He had seemed so desperate to find someone to save him... But of course he could never compete with Yennefer. She was powerful as all hell with the beauty and grace to match. She knew the control that kind of thing had over others, and used it to her advantage. He couldn't really blame her. He probably would've fallen at her heels had she not been so utterly terrifying. They were perfect for each other, he thought sadly. She was a heartless witch in search of something she may never have and he was a clueless witcher who cared very little about anything else and denied the fact he had any sort of emotions. They are timeless beings, similar to himself. Oh if only Geralt knew... maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to choose her.
"Cos outwardly he says I try so hard to make you laugh at me. And she, she does, She laughs as though she not heard the joke ten thousand times before. And he adores her, He watches her get dressed as though she's hurtling through time. Oh darling please be mine."
That was a good verse. Most people will assume it's about some lost love, a fair maiden who was swept off her feet by another man. Well, that was half true. A few more verses, then he reached the chorus. He let some of his magic seep into his words, having filled his heart and overflowing from his mouth. He didn't know what good it would do, but it felt right on his tongue.
Elven magic was a bit different than the kind that mages typically used. It drew its power from the earth, and in return the magic would breathe life back in the world. He remembers his grandmother's lectures that he had brushed off at the time. You have to pull from your core, whatever that meant. He hadn't tried in years, and when he had, he could never tell a difference.
"It's not fair, It's not fair how much I love you. It's not fair, Cos you make me laugh when I'm actually Really fucking cross at you for something. And he'll say- Oh how, oh how unreasonable. How unreasonably in love I am, with everything you do. I'll spend my days so close to you cos if I'm Standing here, maybe everyone will think I'm alright."
The words felt hot in his mouth, tasting like a sweet smoke. He didn't notice how the life around him teemed, seemingly growing towards him. He had always had an affinity towards nature, as most elves do. In this moment, the whole forest grieved with him. As he continued to sing, a doe and fawn wandered into the clearing. A small fox raised its head from where it was bedded down. He debuted his newest song at the next tavern he stopped at.
It was late, and the patrons that were left were tired and very inebriated. He had played some upbeat crowd pleasers and now, all their excess energy was spent. They were bound to be much more accepting of a slow song by now. He pulled up his stool and sat down, adjusting his lute as he did so.
"Alright, one last song. It's a new one I've been working on, so I hope you enjoy it." His eyes locked on a table full of young, good looking women. "This is for anyone out there with a broken heart." And just like he knew they would, they swooned.
The song was very well received; as he traveled the continent, so did his song. Followed by another and another.
His latest was an upbeat jaunty little tune, that left courtrooms and taverns alike in stitches. It was one everyone, no matter who you were, could relate to. He even thought it was more popular than Fishmonger's Daughter, which was saying something.
He stood in the ballroom of some palace in Vizima. It was the Duke's birthday, so of course they had requested only the best bard in the continent to come and play. And with flattery like that, how could he refuse? All around him beautiful people talked and ate, flitting about the room. He was pulled from group to group, engaging in both thrilling and dull conversation. He grabbed his lute from where he had set it aside, strumming the strings a bit to gain the room's attention. With everyone staring at him, he smiled, wide and dazzling.
His fingers set to work, playing the bouncy tune as he bobbed up and down. The crowd erupted in cheers upon the recognition of the song.
"I've tried, tried, tried, and I've tried even more. I've cried, cried, cried, and I can't recall what for. I've pressed, I've pushed, I've yelled, I've begged, In hopes of some success. But the inevitable fact is that it never will impress!"
He jumped into the chorus, spinning around the room as everyone danced and clapped along.
"I've no more fucks to give My fucks have runeth dry I've tried to go fuck shopping but there's no fucks left to buy! I've no more fucks to give Though more fucks I've tried to get I'm over my fuck budget, and I'm now in fucking debt!"
Laughter and cheers rang through the air. Men and women hooked arms and twirled around in circles before changing partners. Skirts twirled across the floor and feet stomped in time to the beat.
When Jaskier had written the song, he didn't expect it to grow so popular. He had been so fed up with life. So unequivocally done with his very existence. Of course he was still upset with Geralt. He never knew if he would ever really get over that. And Yennefer's utter bitchiness any time they were in the same vicinity fueled his fire. His talk with Eskel stood out in his mind, and the thought of possibly seeing Geralt both thrilled and terrified him. Oh how he hoped the bastard was sorry. Lately all of his love endeavors ended in either failure or nothing more than a one night stand. And overall he just felt like anything he tried backfired. He was tired, hopeless, and fed up. All of this swirled in his mind until it was just too much. He scribbled down the very first thing his angry hornets nest of a brain could spit out, and this was the result. It was cathartic, and he had sure got a kick out of it. He played it in a seedy tavern as a joke, but they absolutely loved it. Begged him to play it again and again until his fingers bled. Now wherever he went, it was a sure thing that he would have to play that song.
Not that he was complaining though. It was a hell of a lot better than when he was forced to sing Toss A Coin.
He finished with a flourish, holding out the last note and strumming the lute strings a bit faster, a gesture of finality. Everyone roared with applause and cheers, coin and even a few flowers tossed his way. Hm, they looked strangely similar to the bouquets acting as table center pieces... Regardless, he reveled in the praise all the same. Even went as far as to catch a flower in mid air- with his teeth. The cheers grew louder at that, and he shot a wink towards the crowd.
He was stolen away from his glory by a countess who dragged him to a quieter corner of the room.
"Your musical skills are most impressive," she complimented, taking a sip from her goblet. "Though I'm sure you're used to hearing that by now," she teased gently. Jaskier chuckled.
"Oddly enough, I don't hear it too often. But I suppose I don't need to, I'm quite aware of my talents," he said, testing the waters. She raised a brow, seemingly intrigued.
"Oh? And what are your other talents?"
"I am a professor at Oxenfurt. Many of my students graduate with honors. And of course you're aware of my musical skills," he said, plucking at his lute, making her giggle. "But I must say most of my other talents are only shared in closed quarters." He licked his lips, awaiting her response. She flushed beautifully, adverting her eyes as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
"Well, I must say. As forward as that was I am most intrigued." She opened her fan, wafting air over her face. She couldn't seem to help the smile on her face as she pulled on his arm, leading him down a corridor and into an empty bedroom. After an hour and a half of pure bliss they returned to the party, satisfied and smitten, if just the slightest bit disheveled. This time, he was pulled away by a viscount.
"I'm glad you could make it Julian!" Jaskier didn't bother correcting him. After all, it was what the man had first known him as, and he supposed he was too old to learn anything different.
"I am too. This is quite the party," he said, taking a drink.
"So, where's your witcher?"
Jaskier nearly choked, sputtering his drink and coughing slightly. The man patted his back to help.
"Come again?" he asked, hoping he was just hearing things.
"The witcher you always sing about. He usually accompanies you to these things, does he not?" Great, just when he was doing better, just when he was starting to forget and began enjoying himself, he was reminded of what would never be again. His heart clenched in his chest and his stomach turned in knots. A lump caught in his throat. He struggled to speak around it, to act like everything was fine.
"He's on the path on his own at the moment. But when I see him again I will be sure to give him your regards," he said with a fake charming smile. Oh he'll send his regards. He'll send them right up Geralt's ass where they belong. He excused himself, going off to find a bathroom. He tried to stop himself, but hot tears flowed from his eyes, and he did what he could to keep his makeup from running. In the end he had to do a quick touch up, but when he returned to sing once more, he looked fresh as a daisy.
~~~~
Months go by, with no possible leads on where Jaskier, or his child surprise, could be. Just songs sung in taverns that he's heard the bard sing too many times before. But oh what he wouldn't give to hear that voice right now.
The bard at the inn he was currently at wasn't terrible, but they just weren't him. He had a voice unlike any other, and though he had never admitted it aloud, he really did like it. Why he never told Jaskier was beyond him. Maybe he thought by distancing himself, he wouldn't get too attached. Maybe at first, he really did hate his singing. Or maybe he was just afraid to acknowledge his own feelings. Witchers didn't really do compliments. After all, most of the affection he showed his brothers was through insults. It's one of the only ways he knows how to show he cares. But Jaskier didn't know that. He probably just thinks he hates everything about him. All because the one time Geralt should've kept his mouth shut, he erupted like a volcano. Hot, angry, and destructive.
The song they sang was one he hadn't heard before, but it sounded undeniably Jaskier. Everything from the chord progression, the range, the tune, the excessive swearing, to the hilariously relatable lyrics, just screamed Jaskier. He didn't need to ask who wrote it. He knew.
Winter was drawing near. It was time to make the yearly trip to the keep. Geralt had hoped that by this time he would've found Jaskier and made up. Wished for him to stay the winter with him and meet his brothers. Oh well. There was always next year he supposed.
The journey was just as harsh and bitter as he remembered it always being. But when he arrived at Kaer Morhen, he had three happy faces waiting for him. After the exchange of bear hugs and hair ruffles, Vesemir left them to chat amongst themselves. He couldn't help but notice that Eskel had been giving him the stink eye ever since he had gotten there. They were currently in a large den area, seated close to a fireplace.
"Okay I'll bite, why the fuck are you glaring at me like I just kicked Lil Bleater?" he asked, none too kindly. Lambert shifted in his seat, settling in for the show. He looked to Eskel, eagerly waiting for his response.
"Hm. I assumed you'd know," Eskel said in an even tone. Lambert's head snapped over to Geralt, ready to hear what he had to say.
"What the hell did I do to you?" he asked. Lambert nodded.
"Yes, please tell. I'm dying to know."
Eskel met Geralt's eyes with harsh judgement. "It's nothing that you did to me." Oh this was positively juicy. And Lambert was eating it up.
"The hell's that supposed to mean?" Geralt snapped. Eskel just shook his head.
"Nothing. Just means you blew it."
"Blew what?" he asked. He was tired of beating around the bush. Eskel just shrugged, infuriatingly.
"If you can't figure it out, you're an even bigger idiot than I pegged you for." Okay that was it.
Geralt slammed his fist down on the table. "Damnit I'm sick of your cryptic ass bullshit! What the hell are you talking about?" Eskel's face finally showed a hint of emotion. His scar curled lip quirked up in a smirk that could only mean trouble. And a playful malice danced behind his eyes.
"A little lark told me," he began, noticing how stiff Geralt became. "All about your little mountain breakup." All of a sudden Geralt surged forth, gripping Eskel by the collar and shoved him against the nearest wall. Lambert stood to get a better view of the action.
"You saw Jaskier and didn't tell me?" he growled. Eskel shrugged with a cocky smile.
"I'm telling you now, aren't I? And it's not like he was eager to see you. And from the sounds of it I'm shocked you'd want to see him either. Geralt's eyes widened in shock, his grip loosening ever so slightly. "If life could give me one blessing-"
He smacked a hand over his mouth, slamming his head against the stone just a little harder than necessary. Eskel didn't fight back, only raised his eyebrows. Behind them, Lambert let out a low whistle.
"So you finally fucked up the one good thing in your life? Can't say I'm surprised," he mused. Geralt whipped his head around to look over his shoulder.
"You want to be next?" Lambert held his hands up in mock surrender.
Eskel reached up and slid Geralt's hand from his mouth so he could speak. "He was pretty torn up when I found him." Geralt looked to the ground in shame. "Pissed as all hell, sad fucker too. You really did a number on him." Geralt's eyes were full of regret.
"I should've never said those things to him." He let Eskel go, arms hanging limp at his sides. The heavily scarred witcher crossed his arms.
"Yeah no shit. You really need to do better."
"I know. He was my best friend," he admitted. Eskel's expression softened.
"Why didn't you ever tell him that? He made it sound like you only ever insulted him."
Geralt sighed. "I wasn't as nice as I should've been. Any time I tried I just. Froze and said some stupid shit."
Lambert clapped him on the back. "Oh Geralt, you always do that." A ghost of a smile flashed on his face as he brushed off his hand.
"What was it that made you throw two decades worth of friendship down the drain?" Eskel questioned. Geralt sighed even deeper.
"The dragon hunt was long and tiring. Too many people wanting to kill the dragon, protecting it was harder than I thought. Yen and I fought. I told her about the last wish I made with the djinn and... she didn't take it well. Needless to say we're through. And then- Jaskier was right there and he was talking like he always does, and I. I lashed out. I just felt like hurting someone the way I was just hurt."
Eskel rolled his eyes. "You're a fucking moron. Just because you don't know how the hell to handle your emotions doesn't mean you get to take it out on other people. Especially those who had nothing to do with it."
Geralt wholeheartedly agreed. "I know. I just want him back."
"You better hope you know how to make this right."
"I tried looking for him, but his trail went cold. I need to apologize. I need him to know that I never meant those things, and that he's my friend," he said, sounding defeated. He took a few steps back, collapsing in a chair.
Eskel eyed him, a funny look on his face.
"What?"
"You sure he's only just a friend?"
"Of course he is! What else would he be?" he asked, brows furrowed. Eskel smirked, pacing the room in an aloof sort of way.
"I don't mean to go around telling secrets that aren't mind, but knowing you you'll never figure it out on your own." Geralt growled as Lambert snickered. Eskel cut them both off. "But it seemed like a lot more than just friendship, at least on your bard's end."
Geralt perked up, leaning forward in his chair. "Wait really?"
Lambert nudged him. "Careful, you almost sound excited. Don't tell me my big brother has a crush," he teased, locking him in a headlock. Geralt easily threw him over his shoulder, making him flip over his lap before landing on the hard ground.
"Shut the hell up, this is serious."
"Oooo you do have a crush!" his teasing increased tenfold. He wrapped an arm around his ankle, shaking his leg slightly. Geralt moved so the sole of his boot pressed against his cheek, effectively keeping him pinned.
"Ah! Hey let me up!" Geralt rolled his eyes and lifted his foot, setting him free. He turned his attention to Eskel.
"What makes you think that?"
"Aside from... everything about him?"
"Eskel get to the fucking point!"
"He was broken hearted, easy as that... And he, uh, told me himself," he said, looking away. For some reason he felt a sting of guilt. He wasn't betraying Jaskier, not really, but it felt like something the bard should tell him himself. But on the other hand, Jaskier said to make the clueless bastard feel bad, and he knew if this were a fight, that would be the final blow.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and buried his face behind his hands and let out a low, suffering groan. "He probably never wants to see me again."
"With a face like that, who could blame him?" Lambert joked from his spot on the floor. Eskel kicked him semi gently and shook his head at the youngest wolf. He then turned his attention to Geralt.
"Well don't get me wrong, he was very upset. But it had just happened, so he might've cooled off by now. And even then he was conflicted about whether or not he wanted to see you. I say give it a shot," he encouraged. Geralt rolled his eyes.
"But how will I find him again? I mean, where do I even start?"
"Well he's a bard ain't he?" Lambert said, finally sitting up. "Just follow his songs."
Eskel's face scrunched up in confusion. "The hell does that mean?"
"No, no Lambert has a point. If he's been performing then chances are other bards will be singing his songs in places he's recently been. Then I can follow the trail from there," he said.
"See? I have good ideas!" Lambert stuck his tongue out at Eskel, who rolled his eyes. He reached out and grabbed his tongue, pulling on it. Lambert's eyes bugged out and he made a strangled noise before biting his hand. Eskel recoiled and snarled at him in warning.
Geralt paid them no mind, instead thinking of how he would win back his bard.
~~~~
When the months turned cold, Jaskier tucked his tail and holed up in Oxenfurt. After a life on the road, teaching just wasn't as thrilling as it used to be. He still loved these kids, saw their blooming potential. But he also saw too much of himself reflected in those faces, with their wide hopeful eyes and innocent naïvety. They idolized him. He achieved what so many could only dream of, had seen amazingly horrific beasts and lead a life of wonder and adventure. But that was over. At least he could relive those glory days vicariously through his songs...
Winter came and went. His students were all talented and lovely people, and he earned the title of the fun, hot professor. And while he might would have hooked up with a student or two when he was younger, the thought no longer appealed to him. His heart and mind were elsewhere.
As the snow began to melt, he set off. He had bought a nice and sturdy steed for his journey ahead, being tired of traveling on foot and finally acquiring enough coin for one. Bruno was a beautiful smokey gray with a white mane and tale. He didn't seem to mind his singing or his rants, and offered the occasional neigh in response. Jaskier suddenly understood why Geralt talked to Roach as if she were human.
During his time at Oxenfurt, he was productive and debuted a few new songs. Now as spring fast approached, he was ready to share them with the rest of the world. He was currently in some small village not too far from the academy, a mere pit stop on a long journey.
After performing a particularly successful set, he sat at the bar to wet his whistle in preparation for the rest of the night. He only glanced at the body that sat down next to him, going back to his drink.
"Nice songs, they all yours?"
Jaskier swallowed and nodded. "Yes, I normally only play my songs. They're quite popular and people expect it. But if I get a request by someone else I won't turn it down. Why, you want me to sing something?" he answered, turning to look at him. He was quite handsome if he said so himself.
"No I can never remember the songs or how they go." Jaskier hummed into his glass in lieu of a real answer. "So uh, what was that last one called again?"
"Her Sweet Kiss," Jaskier said, lip curling in saddened amusement.
"Oh yeah, I remember. What's it about?" he tried.
"Just a... an old relationship that didn't quite turn out."
"Sorry to hear that mate. If you don't mind me asking, what happened." Jaskier snorted and shook his head, staring at his reflection in the liquid.
"Let's just say they didn't choose me." The man shifted in his seat.
"I'm Lambert by the way."
"Jaskier, pleased to meet you," though his voice didn't sound all too enthused. Lambert licked his lips.
"My brother's looking for you." Jaskier's head snapped over to look at him. Really look at him. He had a scar over his eye, short brown hair, two scary looking swords strapped to his back, and a wolf medallion hanging on his chest. Another witcher. He didn't know whether to be grateful or disappointed that it wasn't Geralt.
He decided to play dumb. After all, maybe he didn't know. "Eskel?" he asked in feigned confusion.
Lambert rolled his eyes. "No dumb ass. The other one." Jaskier tilted his head.
"I'm sorry, but how do you expect me to know who your brother is when I've only just met you?" he asked. Lambert snorted and folded his arms.
"Well you know Eskel. Geralt was right, you really are a smug lil smart ass."
"That's funny, a second ago I was a dumb ass."
"Hey I'm not afraid to hit you," he threatened.
"Nor am I," Jaskier countered. Lambert wore a shocked half grin, eyebrows raised.
"Huh. Okay then."
"So what, did Geralt send you? Am I too close within his vicinity that I'm fucking up his destiny yet again?" he asked bitterly. Lambert looked him up and down, judging his next words before he spoke.
"No, I found you all on my own thank you very much. Though I bet he'll be pissed that I also found you before he did," he mused. This seemed to peak the bard's interest as he turned to face him. Lambert leaned in to say more. "He's looking for you ya know."
"So you said. Why though?" he asked. Lambert shrugged.
"Wants to apologize I guess. Make things right," he said. Jaskier just looked... lost. Then his face morphed into one of amusement as he doubled over, letting out a stream of shrill, slightly manic laughs.
He wiped away a few tears as he spoke. "The day that man apologizes is the day he dies. He's much too prideful and stupid to do such a thing."
Lambert rolled his eyes. "I know he is, but he also really seems to care about you."
Jaskier snorted. "Funny. Normally when someone cares about you they don't blame you for all their life's problems and tell you to get fucked," he spat out.
"Look, I get he may be a stubborn horse's ass, but he really is sorry."
"Thanks but I'll believe it when I hear it from him. If you'll excuse me I need to get back to work." He pushed off from the bar, walking back to his stool and lute. Lambert leaned back in his seat, allowing himself to listen to the music. As he drank himself into a stupor, tales of heartbreak and anguish washed over him. But there was also a deep seeded sense of longing, a yearning so strong it almost hurt Lambert to listen to. But it was there that he saw a glimmer of hope for his brother to win him back.
~~~~
Things never went as planned. For some reason, destiny liked to fuck with Geralt as much as it possibly could. It seemed as though he was finding everyone except the man he was trying so desperately to find. The first to come to him was his child surprise, who he had also been searching for and had been given the most importance in his mind. Good, one thing crossed off the list. He knew they were bound together, so they would find their way to each other eventually, but with the fall of Cintra he much preferred sooner rather than later.
She was kind, but also had a fierce bite to her personality that reminded Geralt of her grandmother. He could feel the untapped potential of her magic sizzling beneath her skin and sparked under his touch. She was curious and talkative in a way that emphasized the hole that Jaskier had left behind.
And then, much to his chagrin, they met up with Yennefer during the middle of a contract. It would be hard to miss the way she stared at Ciri, with a want so strong and a hint of jealousy that Geralt had been gifted what she could only dream of having. Even with his knowledge of magic, he would need someone with stronger abilities to help train the princess. And as much as he had regretted it, he was now thankful that he had tied his and Yennefer's fates. She seemed to be more forgiving now, but made it obvious that whatever romance might have been blooming was now long dead. He was okay with that. He was just glad to have her back in his life. They were good friends, and as a witcher, that was hard to find.
It was dangerous to travel with Ciri, what with the state of the continent. Nilfgaard was on the prowl for the lion cub of Cintra, and would stop at nothing to try and hunt her down. They were still a long ways from the witcher's keep. Only then would she be truly safe to begin her training properly. They had cut her hair to just below her chin to change her appearance enough so she wasn't instantly recognizable. Geralt gave her a thick black cloak to further hide her face. Her old blue cloak was just as much of a dead giveaway as her hair. But no one paid much mind to a veiled child at the side of a famed witcher.
They knew better than to call her by her name, at least in public. Instead they would call her Ella or Ellie, Yennefer claiming that it suited her. Ciri didn't seem to mind. They had been traveling nonstop for a week and were completely exhausted and starving for a real meal. A bath wouldn't hurt either. They came to the inn in search of some much needed rest for the journey ahead. Warm light spilled from the windows and into the darkness outside, a welcome sight. Music and excited chatter met their ears as they approached, greeting them as Geralt held the door open for them.
Avoiding as much attention as they could, they slipped into a booth in the far corner. Ciri sat on the inner seat near the wall, Geralt's large frame mostly shielding her from view. Yennefer sat across from them.
Geralt was tired and worn, otherwise he would've instantly recognized the voice drifting through the air.
"I'm the hardest goodbye that you'll ever have to say-" the last note drug on and scooped continuously into the next word, earning a couple of impressed cheers.
"You don't know it yet, but I'm the Cupid of things That you just don't get, that you struggled to say." The music continued in the background as a waitress took their orders. Once she moved out of their way, Ciri gasped.
"Oh my gods, that's Jaskier!" she said in excitement. Yennefer calmly turned her head to the side while Geralt whipped around, eyes frantically searching for the bard. There he was, swaying to the music as his fingers plucked and thrummed the strings. "I have to say hi!"
"But like rubbing wine stains into rugs, it's my curse. To try and make it right, but by trying make it worse."
Geralt was about to speak, but Yennefer beat him to it. "Ah ah ah, I don't think that's a good idea," she warned.
Ciri shook her head adamantly. "No, he's a good friend! He played at all of my birthdays and our banquets! Believe me, we can trust him." When they both stared at her dumbfounded, she continued. "I get it if you're a bit star struck, I mean he's the best musician on the whole continent."
Yenn snorted. "Who told you that? Him?" Ciri jumped to his defense, but Geralt was too preoccupied to know what she said. His eyes were glued to Jaskier.
Jaskier's voice was raw with emotion as he sang. Deep and guttural around certain words, sensual and alluring with others.
"I'm the heartbreak that aches far too much to be shunned. All those letters unsent and that garden ungrown. I'm the captain of courage that you've eternally lacked. I'm the Jesus of wishing to Christ he'll come back."
Jaskier looked up at just the right moment, at just the right spot to lock eyes with Geralt. He froze for barely a second. Geralt could hear him swallow thickly before he continued, as though unfazed. His eyes never breaking their gaze.
"Because farewell wanderlust, you've been oh, so kind." His voice was so soft, so tender as he sang the words. Then ramped up in intensity as he continued, finally tearing his eyes away.
"After he finishes this song I'm going to go talk to him," Ciri said with a finality that can't be challenged. Geralt only just now caught up with the conversation.
"No. I will." Yennefer was doing a poor job of hiding her amusement. He shot her a glare. Ciri looked at him with an incredulous look.
"I'm practically like family to him, I get to go first," she left no room to argue. Geralt stared at her in slight shock. "You can wait your turn."
"Hm." He would do as she said, but that didn't mean he was happy about it. But at least it gave him time to gather his thoughts and try to form a proper apology. He looked up to see Jaskier's eyes burn holes through him, an angry bitterness woven into his words.
"I'm the tales that the guests will applaud and believe. I'm the child that you just didn't have time to conceive. I promise you I'm not broken! I promise you there's more! More to come, more to reach for, more to hurl at the door."
Ciri leaned forward in her seat to see better. "This must be a new song. It's kinda sad, I wonder who it's about." Yennefer shot Geralt a knowing, accusatory look. He finished, holding the last note of the song for as long as the chord faded out. Everyone burst into applause, tossing coin his way. He made a beeline for the bar, taking the route farthest from them and maintaining that distance. When Geralt didn't move to let her out, too entranced, Ciri crawled underneath the table and made her way to her old friend.
Jaskier leaned against the bar, his head in one hand, a tankard of ale in another. "Melitele's tits I'm too sober for this," he muttered to himself.
"Jaskier!" Before he could turn around he was bombarded by a small figure and enveloped in a hug.
"Wha- hi hello," he said in confusion, tentatively wrapping his arms around her.
"Jaskier, it's me!" she said, and tilted her hood back to reveal her face to him. His eyes widened and mouth dropped in shock. He smiled down at her, scooping her up in his arms and spun her around.
"Gods I was so worried about you! When I heard about what happened I couldn't stop thinking about you! I'm so glad you're okay," he said, smothering her with love and affection that she soaked up like a sponge.
"Come on, I want you to meet someone," she said, tugging on his arm. He pulled it back reluctantly.
"Ah, I'm afraid I'm not quite ready yet," he said, tossing a nervous glance Geralt's way.
"It's okay, he's nice," Ciri assured him. He chuckled.
"Maybe to you."
"What?"
"Well I really should get back to work. I'll talk more after I'm done, I promise," he called as he made his way back to his instrument. Ciri stood there, dumbfounded as she made her way back to the table.
"That was weird," she said sitting down at the table. Geralt tensed.
"Why? What did he say?" he asked, slightly too eager to be considered normal, especially for him. Ciri looked at him quizzically, picking up on the strangeness of it all.
"Um, well at first he was thrilled to see me, then I mention introducing him to you both and he suddenly starts walking away saying he has to work," she said, trailing off.
"Don't take it personal, like you said, he's very popular. People want to hear him sing," Geralt tried to comfort her in the knowledge. She sighs, placing her elbow on the table and resting her chin in her palm.
"I know but he seemed. I don't know, weird? Off? Definitely not like himself," she noted. Yennefer smirked, and looked Geralt up and down. He tilted his head, furrowing his brows and fixing her with a warning look. He was barely holding back a growl. If she said anything...
"You sure it has nothing to do with how you dumped him on the dragon hunt?" she said slyly, smirking with a dangerously arched brow.
"Yennefer!" he snarled her name. He wanted to move past that, he had apologized to her, now he needed to do the same for Jaskier. And now Ciri was glaring at him with real heat behind her eyes.
"Geralt, what's she talking about?" Despite the fire that burned behind her eyes, her voice sounded ice cold. Okay she was definitely spending too much time with Yennefer.
"Nothing of your concern," he said firmly, glaring daggers at Yennefer for telling. The child had no reason to know.
"It is if you hurt Jaskier!"
"I didn't-" he started only to be interrupted again.
"Not physically," Yennefer said slyly, taking a drink. Geralt sighed in defeat.
"Yes I did, okay? But I regret it, and I need to make it right," he said matter of factly. Ciri's expression softened. She reached out and held his hand.
"It's okay, I'm sure he'll forgive you. But just so you know, he's a sucker for grand gestures," she said with a wink. The tavern had erupted with chatter and song requests. Jaskier seems to have finally settled on one. His fingers worked fast upon his instrument.
"Don't think You're mighty cos I said so. It's fine you've got no time to make it home."
Jaskier's voice was deep and smooth, just like Geralt remembered. He caught Jaskier staring his way before the man turned his gaze away as quickly as he noticed.
"And every question's a creeping doubt. I wanna stop the pain, but I don't wanna freak you out. Oh horror the house is shaking, Take it easy. 1, 2, 3, No worries no, no not from me."
Geralt was entranced. As he listened to him, dozens of memories flashed before his eyes. Visions filled with happiness, laughter, fear, singing, anger, screaming... Some of the best memories Geralt has, especially in recent years, are shared with Jaskier. He longed for those times. He wanted nothing more than to wake to blue eyes and a blinding smile. Jaskier moved to the chorus, still beautiful and slower than some of his other songs, but still peppy and upbeat. Most of the tavern's patrons seem to be affiliated with the tune enough to confidently sing along.
"One life to trade away, No use in keeping much I say. Your heart's not mine to weigh. And I'll have words with fate. This earth is burned but I'll sing rain."
Geralt liked this song. As he sat there listening he wondered how he composed it. How many different words bounced around inside his mind before settling on the right ones? How many scratches and scribbles marked in his notebook? He used to have the privilege of knowing, but had never truly appreciated what he had until it was gone. He would never make such a mistake again.
He sang a few more songs, running on requests and ale. But the hour grew later and more patrons retired to their rooms. Jaskier could only put it off for so long, but as long as one other table was there, he would play. The people that did fill the chairs were getting tired, not as eager to hear loud and upbeat music. When a young man requested he play his song Fair, he faltered.
"Uh, perhaps you'd prefer a different song," he tried, casting a nervous glance in Geralt's direction. The song was not only about him, but Yennefer as well, and he wasn't too keen on playing it with both of them here, let alone one.
"Please? It's my birthday and that's my favorite song," he said, batting his lashes prettily. Jaskier sighed, "Well then, how could I say no to that? C'mere," he gestured with a single finger. His eyes darted towards Geralt's table. He was staring at him intently. Good, he wanted him to see this. Jaskier pulled the man closer by his collar and planted a kiss upon his cheek. In that moment they locked eyes. Geralt's burned with regret and jealousy. Jaskier's were smug and a little scared, with the smallest hint of rage.
"Um Geralt? Your mug's leaking," Ciri pointed out. Geralt immediately let go of his grip, realizing too late he had been clenching his fist a little too tightly around his tankard. He wiped up the spill and called the waitress for another.
The boy was flustered and blushing, touching his cheek with delighted awe as he watched Jaskier play his song.
"She promises to fight them all when it all becomes too much. And he, he curses at the world for Leaving him behind and he's falling out of touch. And she is stronger than he's ever been he knows. And she brushes her hand through His hair, he's got so much fucking hair."
Jaskier is glaring at him, Geralt knows it. He dips his head down, unable to meet the gaze. However, he still feels the heat of his stare burn holes through his back. Ciri watched curiously.
"And he holds her close just to keep the world at bay. And when they're sure no-one can hear them. She'll turn to him to say, she'll turn to him and say-"
Yennefer listened with her head tilted, taking Jaskier in fully. He had been broken, barely hanging on and searching for a new purpose. He had been lost, found, and lost again. The strange fuzzy feeling of magic that had fizzled so faintly within him buzzed with a bit more certainty, even if he wasn't aware of it himself. After all, she hadn't known what lie beneath her skin until Tissaia forced her to unlock her potential.
"It's not fair, It's not fair how much I love you. It's not fair, Cos you make me laugh when I'm actually Really fucking cross at you for something. And he'll say, Oh how oh how unreasonable. How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do. I'll spend my days so close to you cos if I'm Standing here maybe everyone will think I'm alright."
It's funny, she thought. He used to be scared of her, or maybe intimidated was a better word. Threatened. They had been competing for the same thing after all. Well for what it's worth, he can have it.
"I've seen enough he says I know exactly what I want. And it's this life that we've created, Inundated with the fated thought of you. And if you asked me to, if you asked me I would lose it all Like petals in a storm, cos darling I was born."
How dare they come to him like this? What are they now, some happy little family? Geralt gave her the child she always wanted, surely she'd never leave him now. He can only imagine the disgustingly amazing sex they probably have when Ciri wonders off. Did they find him so they could rub it in his face, or was it a complete accident? Was this the princess's idea? Did they seek him out for help? So many questions whirled through his head as he finished the song. He figured it was time to get some answers. He bid what was left of his audience goodnight before making his way to the table.
Yennefer wore a judging, knowing look as she watched him come closer. Geralt still looked to be in a state of shock, and, was that jealousy on his face? Jaskier liked to have thought he could read witchers, especially his witcher, extremely well. He had only kissed the boy to distract himself, to show Geralt he was just fine without him. That he could move on. But both Eskel and Lambert had seemed insistent that Geralt was regretful of his actions, so perhaps he did care. He smirked at the thought. He would make this as difficult as he could then. If he really did want him, he'd have to earn him back. Walking towards them with a renewed swagger he hadn't felt in months, he threw his arms open.
"Darling, I'm so sorry about earlier. Let me give you a proper greeting," he said as Ciri barreled into his arms. She tucked her head against his chest, grinning from ear to ear as she squeezed the breath from his lungs. Ah, so she'd been training.
She let him go, suddenly feeling the tension in the air. She faltered for a moment before speaking. "Um, Jaskier this is Yenn. And I uh, I think you know Geralt?" she said with such timidness it was more of a question than a statement. Jaskier put on his fakest smile, the one Geralt knew was fake.
"Why yes love, we do. Geralt, care to explain?" he asked and cocked his head. Geralt huffed out a breath of annoyance, with a possible hint of amusement. Jaskier's heart ached.
"Why don't you sit down first?" he asked and motioned them over with his hand. Before he knew what was happening, Ciri rushed past him and slammed herself in the seat next to Yennefer, thus forcing him to sit next to Geralt. He crossed his arms and popped out his hip.
"I will only sit next to the child," he said sternly. He didn't know what they were calling her now, but he knew better than to use her real name. Geralt rolled his eyes.
"Jaskier don't be ridiculous, sit down," he said. His eye looked almost pleading, his pupils swelled up like a begging cat. It was utterly adorable. He nearly wanted to do what he said. It seemed so tempting... But no. He wouldn't let him win.
He placed his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow, turning his nose up the slightest bit. He even went as far as to look him up and down with a smirk, "Make me."
Before he could think better of it, Geralt reached out and grabbed a hold of his wrist, yanking him down to the seat. Jaskier was caught off guard and stumbled, falling right into Geralt's lap. They both stared, flustered as their eyes met. Ciri snickered from behind her hand, and even Yennefer gave a small chuckle. They both gathered themselves and Jaskier scrambled out of his lap and in the seat next to him. Jaskier still looked a bit dazed. Geralt leaned closer to him. He didn't pull away.
"Made you," he said, and when Jaskier turned to look at him, he looked so damn smug and cocky. That bastard.
Jaskier brushed himself off and cleared his throat. "Okay then. Uh where was I? Oh um-you were just about to tell her how we know each other," he said, clearly flustered. He was looking anywhere but to his right.
"He's my bard. And my best friend." Jaskier's head jerked upon hearing those words.
"Sure as hell didn't show it much," he argued. Geralt sighed heavily.
"I know, and I should've never treated you that way. I'm sorry for the mountain, and the djinn, and only ever letting you ride Roach if you were hurt, and every time I was cruel or harsh with you. I'm more sorry than I've ever been." His words dripped with truth, forged after hours of regret and meditation. These words were carefully formatted and hand picked just for him. If Jaskier had been standing, his knees would've buckled. He let out a strangled squeak. Geralt continued.
"It was wrong then, and it's wrong now, so I, uh, understand if you're still mad." This time it was Jaskier's turn to hum in lieu of words. "But I want you to know you're my best friend and it won't happen again. I promise," he swore. There was so much emotion swirling in those golden irises. Jaskier believed everything he said.
He took a breath to steady himself before he spoke. "Okay. I accept your apology," he said. He didn't dare say more for fear of revealing his hand. Geralt didn't hint at stronger feelings for him than just friendship, so neither would he. He was content with this, had always been content with this. He could still have his witcher and the life on the road that he missed dearly. He just had to bury the burning love in his chest. But he was used to that. What he wasn't used to was Yennefer's unwavering presence. He wasn't looking forward to it. The way she loved to jab and mock him, flaunting her relationship with Geralt in his face. She was always devilishly smart and cunning, much like a raven. They didn't get along well, or perhaps they did. It was almost like a game between them, to see who can ruffle the most feathers.
But the smirk she wore wasn't smug or triumphant like she won something. It was something softer, more akin to fondness, a sort of teasing glimmer in her eyes. She knew something he didn't. That wasn't new. Geralt was avoiding his direct gaze. He was tired of the stretching silence and spoke.
"I'm assuming it's an accident that you happened upon me. Or was it intentional?" he ventured to ask. Geralt blinked.
"Yes and no? I mean, I was looking for you, but I didn't expect to find you here. We're on our way to the Keep," he explained. Jaskier leaned back in the booth, an amused, surprised expression on his face. His arms were folded over his chest and his lips quirked up in a smirk.
"Huh, he wasn't lying." Geralt narrowed his eyes.
"Who?"
"Lambert. He said you were looking for me. Didn't believe him at the time, but I guess he proved me wrong," he said, chuckling. Geralt's jaw dropped as he stared at him. Ciri giggled and Yennefer watched on in amusement.
"Lam- fucking Lambert found you before I did? How long ago was this?" he asked. Now Jaskier was the one squinting at him.
"Only a few months, maybe three at the most." His smirk grew.
"Damnit, how many witchers have you met since I saw you?" Geralt wasn't the best at expressing his emotions, they all knew that, but he was even worse at hiding them when they fought to rise up. Geralt was jealous and Jaskier was drinking it up.
"Ah, so I suppose Eskel had his little chat with you." His eyes sparkled with mischief as he turned to look at Geralt. He could feel the heat radiating from his body, his nostrils flared out. He looked utterly delicious. Jaskier slipped on a charming smile. "Good. You know, I think he was my favorite. Charming, nice, and extremely handsome-"
"Jaskier, can I talk with you?" he cut him off, voice a deep growl. A pleasant chill ran up his spine. Oh he liked jealous Geralt.
"You already are darling," he said, voice sugary sweet. He's gotten underneath his skin already. That didn't take long. Geralt rolled his eyes.
"I meant somewhere private." He stared at him, hoping he wouldn't have to explain himself. Jaskier made an O with his mouth and slid from his seat, allowing Geralt to follow him. The larger man lead him outside and around the corner of the tavern, close to the stables.
"Oh is Roach here? I've missed her terribly, you wouldn't believe-" Before he knew what was going on, he was slammed against the wall with Geralt's body pressed against his. He promptly shut up, a blush creeping up his cheeks.
"W-well I certainly can't say I haven't imagined this," he breathed out in an airy chuckle.
"Come with us," Geralt said.
Jaskier was shocked to say the least. "What?"
"Come with us. To Kaer Morhen. Ciri likes you, and right now we need to keep her safe. A-and you're a professor, and you're smart- she's gonna need a teacher." Jaskier deflated.
"Is that all?" he asked, trying to mask the disappointment in his voice.
"No." Jaskier jerked his head to look at him. Geralt moved his arm from where it was leaning against the wall to caress Jaskier's cheek. He shivered. "I want you to come with us. I missed you Jaskier. And I know I'm not- I'm not good with this. Emotions, and talking about what I want. But I'm trying and-" he looked at him, pupils wide and eyes pleading. "I want you."
"Fuck Geralt, you don't know how long I've wanted to hear that." Geralt surged forth, planting a surprisingly sweet kiss against Jaskier's lips. Jaskier pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. He didn't want to be able to breathe, he was hungry for this and wouldn't waste another second. Their teeth clanged and clashed as their tongues danced together as one. When Jaskier was satisfyingly breathless, they pulled apart, still held in each other's embrace.
"I want you too." These words sparked another passionate make out. Then Jaskier pulled away, remembering, "Wait, but I thought- you and Yenn-"
"Just friends." Jaskier couldn't help the smile that broke out on his face. He grew himself at Geralt, who easily caught him. He wrapped his legs around his waist, carding his fingers through his hair. He surged forth and caught his lips in another kiss. Geralt spoke around his lips.
"I don't have to worry about you and Eskel, do I?" Jaskier chuckled.
"I like it when you're possessive," he said, thrusting his hips forward. Geralt growled as he dove in for another heated kiss. And just like that, Jaskier's torn heart began to mend.
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sierraraeck · 3 years
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How to Lose Friends
BAU x OC Aundreya
Masterlist | Series Masterlist
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Summary: When Aundreya’s presence is requested at the BAU, she doesn’t know what to think, and is dreading the reactions of her previous teammates. Especially that of Doctor Spencer Reid. Story sixteen.
Category: Some angst.
Warnings: Cussing. Normal CM talk. Mentions of prison.
Word Count: 5.0k
A/N: I hit 100k words of fanfic I’ve written for this series in this part.
The buzz of the bell signaling a door opening jolted me awake.
What the fuck? Why is my door being opened?
The light streaming in from the hallway, invading my dark little space, was blinding. The only solace was the dark figure shielding most of the light from my eyes.
“What?” I rasped.
“Aundreya Chambers, lovely to see you again,” the voice was coated with sarcasm. While still somewhat unfamiliar to me, I knew who’s face belonged to that type of bitchy sarcasm.
“Majesty Strauss, welcome to my humble home. Would you like a tour before we begin?” I still barely had my eyes open, denying the fact that my minimal sleep was being desturbed. She moved further into the cell in order to stand right in front of me.
“Get up. Your presence has been requested at the BAU.”
“What? Why do they want me?” I finally opened my eyes enough to stare up at her stone cold bitchface. That was the last thing I was expecting this morning. “Is it so they each take their turn reminding me how much they hate me?”
“Stop whining and get up. They need your help,” she all but rolled her eyes, the sound of her heels clicking back over to my cell door.
“With what?” I insisted.
“I’ll brief you on the drive.” Strauss completely exited my box while I laid my head back against the thin as paper pillow, letting out an irritated sigh. “Are you coming?”
“Do I have a choice?” She gave the tightest lipped, most forced smile I’d seen a human give as one of the officers came to clasp the handcuffs around my wrists.
# # # # # # # # # # # # #
The first half of the drive was dull. Strauss wasn’t much for small talk, especially with someone like me, and she refused to let me in on what was happening until we were only a few minutes out from headquarters.
It was Maeve. She’d had a stalker for a while, and now there was reason to believe she’s in immediate danger. That’s all she told me.
We finally arrived at Quantico, and I almost wanted to laugh. It’d been… what? Fifteen months since the last time I’d been there? The feeling of walking back in felt oddly familiar, like the first time I entered the building as a convicted criminal who was meeting the team. Despite the three years I’d spent with them, I was standing there as if nothing had changed. Actually, that’s not true. Things had changed. They’d gotten worse. Now, instead of wondering how they’d react to a somewhat normal looking girl who’d had a rough past, I knew exactly how they’d react to a psycho looking, handcuffed, last-time-I-saw-you-I-confessed-to-murder, criminal. And I didn’t want any part of it.
But if that’s how they were gonna see me, I might as well have worn it with pride. I had a reputation to uphold.
I was pushed through the glass doors into the bullpen, and everyone’s eyes snapped to me. I must’ve been quite the sight: disheveled, frizzy braids, cuts and bruises on every visible part of my body (and most non visible parts, too), my orange jumpsuit peeking through the stained, weak excuse they called sweats, not to mention the chains connecting my handcuffs to the links around my ankles. Upon entering, they removed my cuffs, but kept a watchful eye on me as I approached the door to the briefing room. The people behind there were the ones I really cared about. Or, at least, cared even a shard about in comparison to the utter indifference I felt toward everyone else.
I closed my eyes, and took a long, deep breath before forcing the door open. I had barely entered the room, barely made eye contact with Hotch standing opposite me, before both my shoulder blades were shoved against the wall behind me, long fingers wrapping around my throat.
“What is she doing here?” the hiss in Reid’s voice sounded exactly how I’d imagined it in my head, preparing myself for this encounter. He looked almost as bad as me. His curls were going in a million directions, and I could only imagine the amount of times he’d run his hands through them. His eyes were blood-shot and slightly puffy, and the dark bags underneath seemed more defined. The only thing that contrasted all of that, and let me know his head was still in it, was the darkness in them. There was nothing lighthearted or soft about them anymore, at least, not for the moment and not for me. Not to mention the rage I could see boiling at the surface. It was like looking in a funhouse mirror.
Morgan and Hotch made a move to pull him off of me, but I waved them away. I knew this was coming, and the sooner we got it over with, the sooner we could go back to our new normal. “I was invited.”
“By who?” I could hear the betrayal coating his voice before he even knew who it was.
“You didn’t tell him?” It was Rossi that spoke up.
“I was about to,” Hotch stated, “She showed up a bit earlier than I anticipated.”
Reid just stood there, orbs of fire replacing his eyes. “Let go of me,” I forced out through clenched teeth. He did as I asked, taking a staggering step back and just bore holes into me. I replied with a smirk. “So what do you need me for?”
“As Strauss should have already told you, Maeve is missing and there is reason to believe she’s in danger,” Hotch recited.
“Great. So what do you need me for?” I repeated. They were great profiles, I couldn’t see anything I’d add to the group.
“As you know, there have been people in the past that threatened her safety, and they have been people you’ve had a connection with.”
I arched an eyebrow. “So you think that the person responsible for Maeve’s disappearance is some street rat I’d know?”
“If you want to put it that way, sure,” Hotch confirmed.
“Okay, then you guys have seriously lost brain cells since I left,” I let out a bitter laugh, “There’s no way some rando on the street would care about some lame doctor.” I saw Reid’s posture tighten up, and I didn’t really fancy the idea of being slammed into the wall again, so I shot him a quick, “No offense.”
“What makes you so sure?” Morgan asked.
“Look, all I’m saying, is that I don’t see how she’d hold any value to anyone on the streets. Unless she’s all the sudden a drug lord, running a gang, or saw too much, they wouldn’t care about her. And let’s say for fun she is one of those things, and someone on the streets did take her, she’s already dead,” I pointed out. Reid flinched. “People on the streets don’t play with their food.”
“Don’t talk about her like that,” Reid hissed.
I shrugged. “I’m just saying. But either way, case closed or start over. Neither of which require me.”
“They might, actually,” Hotch said.
“What now?” I grumbled.
“We might still want to utilize your other skills.”
“And what are those, exactly? You can all profile just fine without me,” I scoffed. “Clearly, you’ve been doing just fine these past 15 months. Speaking of, where is my replacement?”
Looking around the room, I didn’t see Doctor Lewis.
“She’s gone for this one, so we could use another person,” Hotch acknowledged.
“Cool. So find another person.”
“Aundreya, we could use your ability to track down people. We can profile all we want, and have Garcia send us all the information she can dig up, but we need someone who can actually locate them. Someone who knows how to find people without a record or paper trail, who don’t want to be found. And based on the other working profile we have, that’s exactly the type of person we’d be tracking down.”
I let out an annoyed sigh and rolled my eyes. There was no way I was getting out of this, so I forced out, “Fine. Let’s find Reid���s girlfriend.”
The whole room of people, myself included, starting moving with a purpose toward something to do. Everyone except for Doctor Reid. He was just standing there, hands shoved in his pockets, staring at me.
I tried so hard to ignore him, and I was about to say something when Morgan beat me to it, placing a hand on his shoulder and murmuring, “Kid, what’s going on?”
His answer was not directed at Morgan. “Nothing else? That’s it, that’s all you have to say?”
I looked up at him and even I could feel the boredom in my eyes. “What else is there to say?”
After a few deafening moments, he sternly whispered, “Was any of it real?”
I could tell by his face the deeper questions behind it. Did you ever actually care about me? Were you just manipulating and using me the whole time? Was the possibility of ‘us’ just an illusion?
“I could ask you the same question,” I snapped. It suddenly felt like he and I were the only ones in the room, like we were moving across a silver screen while the rest of the team watched from their theatre seats.
“I still wanna know why.”
“Why what? There’s a lot I’ve done, you’re gonna have to be more specific,” I deadpanned.
“All of it. Prison, letting me take the fall, Darrell-”
I stopped him right there. “Inmates kill each other all the time. It was a means of survival. I had to, I couldn’t let you die, and I couldn’t let you be the killer either, now could I? You’re not the damaged one-”
It was his turn to cut me off, and I was surprised by his words, “You're not damaged.”
“What makes you so sure?” I was quick to refute, “Only one of us should have to carry that burden around. And like you said, what’s another name to add to my list?”
“Is that what you were carrying around with you all the time?” Prentiss’s question seemed so genuine, I just answered.
“Yes, that and…” then I realized what she’d just admitted to.
“And what?” she probed.
“Wait, were you guys watching me?” I accused. The silence that followed, along with ‘oh shit’ glances were all I needed. “You were, weren't you! That whole time you just watched? And did nothing to help me!”
“What were we supposed to do?” Morgan joined in.
“Something, anything!” I looked back over to Reid, his hands in his pockets and his eyes still burning up. “Do you even want me on this case?” I was looking for any and every excuse to get out of this room, and away from these people.
“You are a big help,” Hotch intervened.
“I didn’t ask you,” I shot Hotch a glance out of the corner of my eye, then directed my attention back at Reid, enunciating each word carefully, “Do you want me on this case?”
“Why would you ask that?” he dodged.
“Because last time I checked, I was supposed to be staying out of Maeve’s life,” I raised my eyebrows at him.
“You are, but these are extenuating circumstances,” he returned my look.
“So you do want my help,” I clarified.
“I want your skills.”
I let out a disgusted chuckle, venom dripping from my words. “Oh I get it. You only want me around when it's convenient for you. Otherwise you just wanna give up on me and let me rot in there.”
Reid broke eye contact with me. “All the evidence pointed to you.”
His words sent a shiver up my spine, as the neurons in my brain started firing at rapid speed. I’d heard those words before; rather, I’d seen those words before, and I couldn’t resist reciting what followed. “But the one thing you can’t stop thinking about is what Hotch said the night we got caught?”
His eyes immediately snapped back to mine, looking astonished. “What?”
I set my jaw, and continued, “That you were manipulating me the whole time and I’d fallen into the trap of a professional criminal, even as a profiler. I don’t want to believe that, but maybe it’s true.”
Derek jumped in, “What are you talking about?”
I ignored him. “Maybe you’re the one who’s been using me this whole time. I don’t have the answers, and I don’t think I ever will. Don’t keep tabs on me. I know you have the means to, in whatever capacity, but I don’t want you tracking my life.”
“Stop, Aundreya, please,” he pleaded. If you didn’t want those words getting out, didn’t want your team to realize how vile you could be, you should have thought about that before sending me that letter.
I wasn’t gonna stop. Instead, I started pulling the paper out of my pocket. “I no longer want you to be a part of it. And stay out of Maeve’s, in case you think that’s some twisted loophole you can use. This is no longer your family.” By the end, I felt just a little moisture coming to the surface, but I choked my tears back down.
“What is she talking about?” Morgan insisted.
Reid’s mouth was slightly open, struggling to find the right words to explain this. I wasn’t going to give him the chance. I tossed his letter, folded up to fit in my pocket, on the table. It slid across and stopped right in the middle. “His letter. The piece of paper you saw me walking around with, this is it. My list on one side, his letter on the other.”
“Aundreya-” Reid attempted.
“You didn’t even sign your name,” I shook my head, “You couldn’t even sign your fucking name. It’s pathetic. And just so you know, the evidence pointed toward me because I helped it to.”
“So you did or didn’t want to go to prison?” he asked me.
“Of course I didn’t want to go, Reid,” I answered like it was the dumbest question I’d ever heard.
“Then why'd you take the fall for me?”
“Because you didn’t do it.”
“But neither did you, right?”
It sounded like more of a mockery than a question, but I answered, “Right.”
“Then why did you do it?”
“Jesus Spence! I did it because I-” Oh shit.
All eyes were on me as he slowly asked, “You what?”
“Nothing. Forget it.” With that, I stormed out of the room using the back door, and made my way up to the rooftop.
The cool breeze hit me in an instant, and I relished in the fresh air. It’s crazy how easily I took that for granted the three years I was out. I leaned up against the railing as I soaked in this feeling. I wouldn’t get to keep it for long.
I heard the door creak open, and knew who it was before she could even say anything.
“You know, I understand why he’s mad. He thinks I let him sit in prison for something I did, you all do,” I quickly tacked on.
“That’s not true,” Emily’s voice could be so soft sometimes.
“It’s okay, I get why you all believe it. I would have too if I were you. I mean, my whole life has consisted of lying, manipulating, and cheating.” I looked over at her once she’d joined me at the railing. Her face was kind, as if she was inviting me to continue. “I hate everything about it.”
“Is that why your name is on the bottom of that list?”
I hadn’t even thought about them seeing that. Fuck me. “Did you know that Aundreya isn’t even my real name?” I offered instead.
“Alionth?” she guessed.
I gave a single laugh. “No. I was born Clara Spade. I was her all the way up until the Slaughterer saw me. When we went into WITSEC, my name was changed to Cassy Sae. I lived as her until our house burnt down, and I begged Gideon to help me disappear. Cassy Sae died that day with her mom and sister, and I changed my name again to Aundreya Chambers. It was Aundreya who hit the streets and joined a gang. It was Aundreya who was The Figure and moved up the ranks until she ran the joint. When the gang collapsed and I started the ring, I don’t know, I guess I just wanted a new name. A new name had marked the beginning of a new chapter in my life up until that point, why not keep the tradition, you know?” Emily nodded along to my words. “I chose Alionth because I’d already been using that as my stage name at clubs, and a lot of the people I recruited I met at clubs. I actually ran my whole operation out of one, so the name just naturally fell into place. Then I made just about the biggest mistake of my life, which landed me in prison. In prison, most people were street rats, so those who did know me, knew me as Aundreya, so I went back to being her.”
“And who are you now?” she asked me.
I sighed. “I… I have no idea. I’ve been Aundreya for the majority of my life, but I just don’t know if she’s good enough anymore.”
“It’s not about the name. I know you think it does, but the name has nothing to do with who you are.”
“I don’t know, it sure feels like that.”
“It’s not true. Falling into that trap is unwise, it’ll hurt you more than it already has,” her eyes were wide, and I could tell she was trying to read me.
“So you think I’m stupid?” I asked.
“No, the exact opposite actually. I think you are so smart and are looking so many steps ahead, that you can no longer see what’s right in front of you.”
“And what’s that?”
“That you’re afraid.” I scoffed at her, but she was completely serious.
“I am not,” I insisted.
“You are. You’ve been hurt so many times, betrayed even, and now you won’t allow anyone in.” She sounded like she was speaking from experience. The silence hung between us before she said what I’d been waiting on the whole time. “Just tell him.”
“What?” I tried to play it off.
“You know what I’m talking about,” Emily said, in that stern but caring tone she’d mastered. We both knew I knew what she was talking about, and I’d been too hopeful she’d ignore my near-confession only minutes earlier.
“I can’t,” I said, my voice dropping.
“Why not? I think he deserves to know that you lov-”
“Don’t say that,” I cut her off like my life depended on it, “Emily, I’m telling you, I can’t. I can’t do that to him,” my eyes were wide with pleading, and I’m sure I looked like a wild animal in headlights.
“Give me a good reason why.”
You say that as if I haven’t already compiled a list in my head of all the reasons we wouldn’t work over the past three years.
But I opted only for the biggest reason, the one at the very top of my list. “Because I’m terrified that it will kill us both.”
“Huh?”
“Look at us. We’re a disaster! I mean, hell knows, we’ve both already almost died for the other. I don’t want to take the chance that next time we won’t be so lucky,” I explained. And if we aren’t, at least one of us should be able to get out and that person is not me. I could tell there was something else lingering on Emily’s face, but I filled the airspace before she could. “No, I need him to hate me. It’ll be easier this way, because when this goes south, and it will go south, it makes it that much easier for him to just forget about me and move on, move on with Maeve, his great girlfriend who can actually be there for him in a way I haven’t been able to, in a way I don’t even think I’m capable of.”
“I would call going to prison for him ‘being there’ for him, even to an extreme, and I think you should let him make his own choice about how he feels about you,” she gave me a pointed look, “knowing all the facts.”
I shook my head. She just wasn’t getting this. “It’s better this way, trust me, I’ve seen it before, been there before, too many times. It’s better if he already hates me going into this. It would be unfair of me to lay that on him, knowing what I’m going to have to do.”
“And what is that?” I stared at her, open-mouthed, and once she realized I wasn’t going to answer her, she asked, “This is about more than just Maeve, isn’t it?”
Yes. There are people who are hunting me down, and I’m scared shitless that you, and Spencer, and the rest of the team will get caught in the crossfire, and yet again, it will be my fault that practically the only people on this planet I care about, who’ve actually cared about me at some point, will be dead. I wanted so badly to tell her, to get everything off my chest, but I just couldn’t. The less she, and the team, knew, the better.
“Is this about those other two names on the list?”
“You saw that, huh?”
“Yeah. Is that what this is also about? The whole ‘end of the world, protecting Reid’ vibe you have going on?”
I didn’t know how to answer, so again, I just stood there silently.
“It sounds to me like you’re giving up, expecting to die,” Emily filled in the silence.
“I am definitely expecting to die, and I’m expecting it to be nasty, and hateful, and to completely ruin me, yes. But like hell I’m giving up.” I wanted to make that perfectly clear.
“Good. So while I don’t know what else is going on, and you clearly aren’t open to telling me, I do know that Maeve needs our help. Yours specifically. And I can’t imagine how much this sucks for you, but-”
“I know,” I said, nodding, “We have a case.”
# # # # # # # # # # # # #
While Emily and I were out, the rest of the team had gone back to trying to put pieces together. The moment I walked in the door was the same moment Reid left. JJ walked out after him, but not before giving Emily a knowing look. It’s like they were tag teaming us or something. I tried to blow it off.
“Get anything?” I huffed.
“Maybe…” Derek trailed off.
“What does that mean?”
“We have a list of people we want you to look over,” Rossi said, handing over his tablet.
“Damn, already?” I questioned.
“Have you already forgotten how quickly I work?” Penelope looked over at me with an amused face.
“Well, time hasn’t exactly been my friend as of late so I might be a little rusty, but no, my liege, you just never cease to amaze me.” And with that, I felt some of the tension release from the room. Not much, but I’d take it. I think everyone would take it.
We worked well into the night, looking over people and sending pairs of agents out to question the promising ones, and as I expected, every single one was a dead end.
Until one of them wasn’t.
The boys had just got back from interviewing Robert Putnam’s, Maeve’s fiance, parents.
“He look good for this?” I asked as soon as Hotch stormed into the room, Rossi and Morgan right on his heels. Reid hung back, like we were repelling ends of a magnet.
“I want you on him.” Hotch had barely gotten the command out before I reached for the door handle.
“I don’t.” The words were hot and dry and coming from none other than Doctor Reid.
I stopped to face him. “Why not?”
“I don’t trust you. Who’s to say you won’t just run off? Then we’d let a high-profile criminal walk free and let Maeve…” he cut himself off, and I saw him swallow, probably choking down the tears with it.
“Reid,” Hotch barely drew his attention away from me.
“It’s okay,” I assured Hotch, “I get that you don’t trust me. None of you do. But I need you to make up your mind. Either you want me helping or you don’t.” When I got no more than a few blinks, I continued, “Look, you don’t have to trust me, okay? All you have to trust is my skills. Like you said, I’m a professional at things like this, so I can handle tracking one simple weasel. Not to mention, that if I didn’t want to be here, or I wanted to’ve escaped, I would have done it already. And if you’re worrying about my capacity to actually treat this case with some care, don’t. I already blindly tried to get myself shot for her before I even knew who she was, remember? So if you don’t wanna trust me, great. Don’t. I’m fine with that. But trust my abilities and what I know, what you know, I can do.”
I stared at him so long, that I wondered if small roots started pushing their way into the ground below me.
“Okay. Go,” was all I got, but it was all I needed.
I gave him a single nod, and headed for the door.
I got just a few feet out when Hotch’s voice caught me, “Chambers.”
I spun around to face him. Once he pulled the door shut, I asked, “What’s up?”
“He’ll come around.”
I snorted, “You’re funny, Aaron,” I spoke through laughs, “Got any other good jokes before I head out?”
“I’m serious.” I don’t know what it was in his tone, but it snapped me completely out of it.
“He won’t. I fucked up, real bad, and I broke a promise to him,” I lowered my voice so I was whisper-yelling the next part, “Hell! I killed a man in front of him!”
“We all have,” he nonchalantly stated. The disconnect I was feeling had to have been obvious, and he proceeded, “We shoot people in front of him all the time. We do it to save other people, we’ve even done it to save him a few times. How is it any different?”
My eyes went wide, and I couldn’t believe it was Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner who was saying these things to me right now. “No you don’t understand. I promised people, I promised myself, that that wasn’t who I was anymore. But that's exactly who I am. I said that I wouldn’t do things like that again, and then I did, breaking my promise and proving that I’m exactly the same as I was all those years ago. Someone you, and he, can’t trust.”
“We both know that’s not true.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he just kept going without me, “The way he reacted to you getting arrested that night is something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. He looked disgusted with me, after I aided you in your plan to get him out. He said to me, ‘You can’t do this, Hotch, you can’t let this happen!’ He was so hostile that he cussed at me and tried to hit me,” I audibly gasped at this information. I could never see Reid acting like that, but I would know just how much prison changes a person. “Morgan had to restrain him before all the work you’d just done to get him out of prison went to waste on something as stupid as him acting out.”
I didn’t know what to say, “Hotch, I…”
“I knew what you were doing, so while Morgan tried to get him to calm down, I told him that you were giving him an out. We knew that there was a very high likelihood that he was going to die in there, but we knew that you wouldn’t.” He offered a small chuckle then, which totally threw me for a loop.
“What is it, what’s funny?”
“Spencer said that we couldn’t know that, and it was Morgan who said, and I believe he used these exact words, ‘She’s strong. Plus, they’ll want her in solitary, worried that she’ll do much more damage to others than they’ll do to her.’”
Even I had to crack a smile at that. “He’s not wrong.”
“He definitely was not. I think he was still recovering from that nasty black eye you gave him.”
I offered a not-so-regretful grimace.
“One more thing,” I looked up at him as he spoke, his tone returning to that of seriousness. “It doesn’t have to be right now, or within the next couple of months even, but he deserves to know the truth.”
I don’t even know why I tried, but it was my natural reaction to deflect. “What are you talking about?”
“It doesn’t take a profiler to know that memorizing and reciting the only piece of contact you’ve had with him verbatim shows how much you care about him and what he thinks of you. And based on the sole fact that you don’t really seem to care at all what anyone thinks of you, that speaks volumes.”
I stood there blinking at him for a moment or two before having my wits come back to me. I started to shake my head, but he continued to speak.
“Do you really want to prove that you’re not like that anymore, that you’ve changed?”
He always seemed to know the right questions. I nodded my head, “Yes.”
The great Aaron Hotchner looked me straight in the eyes, “Then go catch this killer.”
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pinnithin-writes · 3 years
Text
Good Jokes
Chapter 1
The new posters on the board in the break room had Tommy in stitches.
Who put this up here? They were huge sheets of paper, large enough to cover the rest of the flyers that were tacked on first. The printer’s settings were fucked, apparently, and it had rolled out three crisp eleven by seventeens of incomprehensible inky bullshit.
Tommy stood in front of the bulletin laughing for thirty straight seconds when he first walked in for his break. The fact that someone had printed out this garbage and still put in the effort to post them here was cracking him up. His coworkers, humorless as ever, were giving him strange looks for the fit of giggles he was in, so he popped the tab on a can of Sprite from the vending machine to try and calm down.
Distantly, he heard an unfamiliar, animated voice echo further down the hall. Right, the new guy was here today. The guy who was going to put on the fancy orange suit and risk his life for science. Tommy was supposed to be working on that project, too, making observations from behind a sheet of safety glass.
He wandered down the hall toward the voice, figuring he might as well be polite and introduce himself. Not a lot of folks around here liked to talk much, and he could hear the discouraged faltering in the man’s words as he tried and failed to make conversation. Maybe it would be nice to have a talker around. Keep things interesting.
When he rounded the corner, Tommy had to pause and regain his bearings. So the new guy was cute. He had dark curly hair, a beard that was neat-but-not-too-neat, and a charming smile that showed off his dimples. His face was framed by a tasteful pair of glasses and he walked like he had places to go, people to see. Friendly, but studious. Tommy wanted to derail him from his quest immediately.
“Hello,” he cast a greeting down the hall.
The new guy paused mid-stride, somewhat startled. “Hello.” What was his name again? Freeman? He was an MIT boy, if Tommy recalled correctly, a physicist who had published a thesis that was so long Tommy had stopped paying attention halfway through the title. A man of many words. A man of too many words, perhaps.
Oh, shit, he was walking over here.
“I’m new,” Tommy blurted, even though he wasn’t. Good job, idiot.
“You’re new here? Me, too, I think,” the new guy replied, brow wrinkled studiously as he approached.
I think? Maybe they were both idiots. Tommy gave the man a quick up-and-down look. He was a big guy, but well built. Athletic. Hard to believe he transferred from the education sector.
“What’s your name?” Tommy asked.
“Gordon Freeman.”
Right, that was it. Tommy remembered looking at his file now. “My name’s Tommy,” he told him, his grip tight on his Sprite can.
Gordon Freeman raised his eyebrows, like he was surprised someone had bothered to talk to him. “Tommy?” he repeated.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, Tommy,” he went on. “Are you - what department are you in? Where are you supposed to be right now? You headed to the break room?”
Wow, this guy asked a lot of questions. He looked adorably lost. Tommy could point him in the right direction, but his mention of the break room reminded him of the nonsense on the wall in there, and he fought down a snort of laughter. Maybe the new guy would appreciate the signs.
“Yeah,” he affirmed. “I like to read the billboards there.”
‘Billboards’ wasn’t right. It was a bulletin board; Tommy caught it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. But it made Gordon laugh in a puzzled sort of way, and it was such a lovely sound that Tommy left it.
“The - the billboards? In the break room?” he asked in bewilderment. “Are they - putting ads up in there?”
Tommy was fighting back another snicker. “Yeah,” he said, turning away to hide the grin on his face. “Follow me.”
He led the new guy down the hall and to the break room, passing the greasy microwave and the gaggle of disinterested coworkers. Man, those posters were even funnier the second time. Tommy wanted to find the person who had tacked them up and shake their hand.
“Oh, is this what you were talking about?” Gordon asked, realization dawning as he saw the bulletin. He cast Tommy a prompting look. “The billboards ?” He asked, politely giving him a chance to correct himself.
That was considerate of him, Tommy thought, but he stuck to his guns - he was already too far in the bit. “Yeah, tell me what it says,” he threw back.
He was going to pop a blood vessel trying not to laugh, and Gordon could clearly tell by now. Letting out a breathy chuckle, he glanced up at the bulletin and played along.
“Yeah, I can’t read it either, dude,” Gordon said, dark eyes passing over the nonsense in front of him. “Maybe he can?” He tossed the question to one of the scientists loitering nearby, who muttered something rude under his breath. Gordon turned an unflappable smile back to Tommy, ignoring his coworker. “Yeah, maybe.”
Oh, Tommy liked this one. He wanted to keep him for himself. Nobody around here appreciated his jokes, much less ran with them.
“I don’t know what it - can you read?” Gordon went on.
It took Tommy a half second to parse if he was serious or not, and realized the question was a continuation of the joke. He mimed a studious pose, taking a thoughtful sip from his Sprite as he pretended to decipher the clouds of ink.
“I’m trying, but it’s very - I -” He was breaking - he couldn’t help it - snorting out a laugh.  “The person who printed all these papers really fucked up.”
Gordon was grinning fully now, shading his eyes from a nonexistent sun as he glanced back at the notice board. “I think they used like, one DPI? Y’know - you know how a printer works? Like, dots per inch? I don’t think they got any - like - the right amount of dots - I can’t read any of this.” He gave another prompting glance to Tommy, clearly enjoying their little vignette. “What do you make of that?”
This man spoke like a machine gun, and it delighted Tommy. The words just came firing out of him with barely any comprehensive thread between them, a steady stream of consciousness straight from his brain to his mouth. It was wonderful. He shook his head in disbelief that someone so fun had just fallen into his lap.
“I don’t know,” was all he could reply.
Still chuckling, but still in a hurry, Gordon did his best to excuse himself politely. He had a test chamber to get to. “Are you staying here?” he asked.
Tommy wanted to follow him, but he had no real reason to outside of his attraction to the guy, so he nodded. “I’m on,” he faltered, glancing down at the Sprite in his hand, “lunch break.”
Gordon’s laughter staccatoed his farewell. “Okay, we’ll see - I’ll s- I’ll catch you later, Tommy.”
Tommy was grinning like a fool as he watched him leave the break room. Charming guy. Hilarious. Sharp as a tack, if a little scattered. His laugh sounded like bells ringing and he loved it.
“I drink soda for lunch,” he called down the hall after him, one last attempt to pull that laugh from him before he saw him again.
Gordon must not have heard him, because he didn’t reply. That was fine. They’d cross paths again. Tommy would be watching him very closely as they ran the test today.
---
The test chamber in the Anomalous Materials department wasn’t Tommy’s favorite place in the world. He thought the spectrometer was grandiose in a spooky sort of way, its rotating claw hanging menacingly from the ceiling. He was glad Gordon Freeman was the one going in the barrel instead of him.
Everyone who worked down here had a grim purpose about them, and it weirded Tommy out. There were many times during his research that he tried to lighten the mood, but most of his jokes sailed over his coworkers’ heads. Or they were rudely ignoring him. At this point, either option was plausible.
He stood behind the reinforced safety glass alongside the other members of the research team. All of them were older than he was, the majority born in the facility, which Tommy concluded was the only quality they really had in common. He was well qualified for the job with his range of experience and his Ph.D. in nuclear engineering, but whispers of nepotism still sometimes circulated.
Tommy ignored them for the most part. Everyone who worked for Black Mesa was stuck living in an underground bunker regardless of pay grade, so it wasn’t like he was any better off than his peers in that regard. He didn’t make anyone call him Dr. Coolatta, either, because that just sounded fucking stupid. Dr. Thomas Coolatta? Please. Tommy was fine.
He was zoning out, lost in his thoughts, when he noticed a blip in on the ground floor of the test chamber. The blip took the form of a short man in a blue uniform, and suddenly Tommy was very uneasy. He knew that guy.
Seconds later, the doors to the chamber whirred open, and Gordon Freeman strolled in. Tommy watched him gesticulate angrily at the security guard who had spontaneously manifested inside the spectrometer. He put two and two together and figured Benrey had been following Gordon for some time, riling the other man up as he was so wont to do to people. This could be bad. He reached over on the control panel and hit the broadcast button on the mic, ignoring the murmurs of indignation from his colleagues.
“Hello?”
Both of the men in the barrel whipped their heads up to the control room. Tommy raised a hand in a grim wave.
Benrey cupped his hands around his mouth and hollered back at him, voice grating in his ears, shivering down his spine. “Tommy!”
He had to handle this carefully. The entity in the chamber with Gordon was an anomaly that Tommy should have considered, but he hadn’t predicted Benrey would have latched himself onto the new guy so quickly. He darted a glance to his coworkers, who were all staring at Tommy expectantly, and then down to the scene below. There were things Tommy knew that the others weren’t allowed to know.
His hand was still on the intercom. “Gordon,” he began carefully.
“Tommy,” Benrey cut him off, a threat in his voice. The two of them stared one another down through the pane of glass, unspoken words passing between them. Finally, he sighed heavily. “Hi,” he muttered.
“Tommy, do you know this man?” the scientist beside him asked.
He was an older gentleman, the product of an experiment that probably had a name at one point, but had gone by ‘Bubby’ for as long as Tommy could remember. Tommy would have thought the nickname was a joke if Bubby had a single humorous bone in his body, which he didn’t. Well, unless he counted his humerus. Which he also didn’t.
Tommy killed the mic and fixed Bubby with a careful look. “He’s not a man,” he said without elaboration. He didn’t have to. Bubby could connect the dots well enough on his own.
On Tommy’s left, another colleague jockeyed beside him to hit the intercom button. He was a cheerful fellow, empty-eyed and cotton-headed. Tommy recalled that his name was Coomer. He also recalled that brawl in the dining facility a while back where he had knocked a fully grown man out with one punch.
“You know, he didn’t bring his passport,” Dr. Coomer informed the team brightly over the loudspeaker, even though they were all standing in the same room with him.
Tommy rolled his eyes. “I heard you don’t have your passport,” he said dryly down to Gordon.
But the new guy was occupied with the entity standing next to him, gesturing in agitation as he spoke with him, pointing to the chamber door. Probably was trying to get Benrey out of there. Worried about his safety. It would be a reasonable request made by any decent human, one that should have been backed up by the rest of the staff.
Several pairs of eyes were watching Tommy, knowing his security clearance, waiting for his decision. Benrey would be fine; he couldn’t be killed by any normal means. Tommy’s concern was for Gordon, bright orange and oblivious in his HEV suit below. If something went wrong, he would be paying for it.
He looked at Bubby again. “Standard procedure,” he told him.
If Benrey was up to no good, which he almost always was, Tommy could stop him. He could blink down there in an instant and kick him into another dimension for a while. Not fun, not easy, but he could do it. He moved closer to the glass, deciding to watch and wait.
The two figures dicked around in the test chamber for an insufferable amount of time, a fact that Tommy would find incredibly funny if it weren’t Benrey in there with Gordon. His colleagues were backing up Tommy’s decision, assuring Dr. Freeman that this was all normal and part of the process, while Gordon grew increasingly agitated. Poor guy. He had no idea what was going on.
Tommy decided to throw him a bone, leaning into the mic again. “Gordon?” he prompted. “Do you see the next step?”
The grinding of machinery in the room drowned out most of his response, but Tommy caught what he needed to. Push the shit into the thing. So easy an MIT grad could do it.
“Yes,” he affirmed.
“Very carefully,” Bubby said seriously over Tommy’s shoulder, miffed that he had been nudged away from the mic.
“Very carefully,” Tommy agreed. “Slower than molasses drips off a spoon,” he added, simply because he couldn’t help himself, ignoring the puzzled looks the other scientists passed in his direction.
He couldn’t really hear Gordon’s laughter, but he saw the man’s shoulders shake with mirth and his even teeth flashing that pretty smile. Tommy grinned. Worth it.
That was the only bright spot Tommy got to have before everything went to shit. Benrey was hassling Gordon mercilessly, Bubby was grinding insults into the mic, and Dr. Freeman was losing his mind. Tommy was standing there, taut like a mousetrap. Laser focused on Benrey. He was not paying attention to Gordon, or the glass shattering in front of him, or the error alarm blaring over the loudspeakers.
He did, however, catch the flashbang of light from the spectrometer. The ghost-white form of Bubby vaulting over the console and through the broken window. He tore his eyes away from his target for a second, and then there was electricity raising his hair and voltage shivering through the building and an acid-green shockwave flashing over all of them.
Shit. Fuck. Shit. Benrey was nowhere to be seen. Tommy gripped the edge of the window, ignoring the slice of broken glass into his palms. Bubby looked… utterly dead, in a crumpled heap below him. Shock was forcing a waterfall of panicked words out of Gordon as he watched everything crash down around his head.
The machine groaned and surged outward. Tommy had seconds to choose: find where the fuck the entity went and snap him out of existence, or shield the new guy before he turned into a smoking crater on the ground.
Tommy made a decision. The world ripped apart.
---> Chapter 2
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emptymasks · 4 years
Note
Can you do something like is the first Third Sunday and Yancy is like "nah they forgot about me" and then reader really goes to see him and what's his reaction, sorry I just need more him 😪
first visitation // yancy x reader
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So How About That Date? ( A Heist With Markiplier x Reader Collection [SFW])
Pairing: Yancy / Gender-Neutral Reader
Words: 1808
Rating: General Audiences
Read on Ao3
Tags: gender neutral reader |  Hurt/Comfort | Emotional Hurt/Comfort | Comfort | Fluff and Hurt/Comfort | Hugs | Everyone Needs A Hug | Fluff | POV Second Person | Alternating POV
Notes: got my first request done! got another 14 more to get through, it’s a little overwhelming but it gives me more material and inspiration for hitting that 50k for nanowrimoand you can keep those requests coming in, i’m also taking ones for yancy x illinois because that’s a thing i ship now
November 17th.
The datestood out on the fairly plain calendar that hung on your bedroom wall, you’dcircled the square containing the date vigorously in blue highlighter that wasprobably seeping through the shiny paper, but that didn’t matter. In fact you’dcircled every third Sunday starting from the thirtieth of October onward,perhaps with the occasional hearts and stars doodled there as well.
Threeweeks, three whole weeks since Yancy had single-handedly gotten you out ofHappy Trails Penitentiary and if someone had asked you if you’d ever be happyto go back there you would have laughed. That someone would have probably beenMark. But he was off god knows where now. When the guards had gone through thewall to recover his injured or possibly dead body, he was nowhere to be found.You decided not to dwell on your old partner, and focused on your new friend…who maybe you wanted to be more than just a friend.
You wouldhave never thought you’d be so happy and excited to step back in that prison,but the thought of seeing Yancy again crushed any dread you felt about theplace. That last exchange you’d had through that steel gate… He’d been sogleeful as he’d led you out and then had looked to dejected when you’d asked ifhe was coming with you, clearly not thinking he was worth anything out in therest of the world. But then he’d told you about visitation, he’d mentionedparole. You’d heard from the other inmates that whenever parole came aroundYancy would get himself in some trouble or mess around to avoid being grantedparole. He’d even said to you (or sang to you) he was praying he wouldn’t getparole. It broke your heart to think he wanted to be stuck in there forever. Itbroke your heart more that you couldn’t be with him. He was right, you didn’tfit in there, but you’d been missing him terribly over these last few weeks.They’d passed so slowly but now the third Sunday was finally here!
You’dalready gotten everything ready and laid out the night before, you didn’t wantto spend the morning fussing over what to wear or what to bring and end upbeing late. It felt like time whip-panned around as you got dressed, grabbedyour bag and made your way to the bus stop, and in no time at all you werefidgeting and intertwining your hands in a waiting room scattered with otherpeople visiting their friends and family and loved ones. You kept your head lowunder your hat but no one seemed to recognise you the slightest… you’d questionit if it wasn’t far from the strangest thing that’s happened to you.
As you wereall ushered through into the visitation room the realisation of what wasactually happening and oh god what if he didn’t want to see you? I mean, it wasa pretty stupid though, you two had become friends and you hoped started tocare about each other. And he told you to come, hadn’t he? You sat down andthat little bit of anxiety bubbled through you but you just focused on keepingyour gaze fixed on the door.
—–
It wasvisitation day, huh… Not that Yancy had been keeping track or nothing, no ofcourse not… But he’d never really even had an inkling of when visitation daywas before you came along had he? And here he was probably getting his hopesall up over nothing. God, why’d he have to be so stupid to tell you whenvisitation was? You were out now, in the big outside world. You could be doingall sorts of things, hell you could have moved away and hopped on the first busaway from here. It’s not like you had any reason to stay… And even if you werearound, it’s not like you had any reason to remember him, you’d probablyforgotten all about him by now.
Shit, he’deven thought about trying harder for parole. He wondered if you’d even heardhim mumbling that he’d maybe try for parole, he’d said it so quietly with hishead bowed, as if afraid to admit to himself that he was fond of you,incredibly fond of you, fond enough that he was considering giving up thisprison life, this family he’d found, just to be out there with you. Not thatthe outside world was any more appealing… but the thought of getting to spendall his time with you, especially in a place where it was just the two of yous…
He wassnapped out of his thoughts be a clanging against the bars of his cell.
“Yancy, getup,” There was a guard at his door. Why was there a guard at his door?
“Hey,what’s this about? I ain’t done nothing, I’ve been behaving myself-���
“You’ve gota visitor.”
Yancy feltlike time stopped for a second. A visitor? It couldn’t be you… but whoelse was there? Perhaps this was just done mix-up and someone had dome to visittheir dear cousin Jancy and the guard has misheard… that was plausible right?Jancy was totally a name right? It felt more plausible than you actually comingback here.
He followedthe guard anyway, he didn’t really have a choice, and tried not to hold hisbreath and hope.
—–
You watchedas a steady stream of prisoners came through the door, some of which yourecognised and they looked at you with a surprised or confused look, apart fromSparkles McGee who gave you a wink and a grin and you wondered if he knewsomething you didn’t. Yancy hadn’t been talking about you had he? I mean…perhaps you hoped he had been. You were hoping he’d missed you as much as you’dmissed him. Hell, if he’d only missed you half the amount that you’d missed himthat would still be a hell of a lot.
Finally yousaw him, shuffling at the back of the line, eyes staring at the ground. Heseemed a mix between confused and like he just wanted to dart back to his cell.The guard poked him in the arm and then pointed at you. His eyes met yours andthey widened and he blinked as if checking he really was seeing you.
“Get onover there then,” The guard prodded Yancy again, starting to push him towardsyou to get Yancy’s legs moving.
He slowlywalked over to you in a daze and stopped at the bench opposite you across thesmall table. He didn’t sit down, he just kept staring at you.
“Yous…really came?” His voice sounded so small.
“Of courseI did, you said visitation was every third Sunday, remember?”
“Well yeah,but I didn’t… think yous would…” He trailed off, mumbling into his chest andyour heart broke.
“Yancy, whywouldn’t I come?” You tried to peer up and get a better look at his face. “Whywould you think I wouldn’t come?”
“I don’tknows… There’s just a lotta stuff out there, don’t know why yous would wannacome back in here, especially if you got caught after we bust you outta here… Iwouldn’t want yous getting in any trouble over me…and yous must have plenty ofbetter things to be doing out there and I’m not…”
Oh youcouldn’t bear this. He looked so forlorn and you hated that he thought youcould ever forget about him. You stood up and in a few steps you were pullinghim into you, wrapping your arms around his neck.
“I couldnever forget about you, Yancy. The best thing I can think of to do with mytime, the thing I want to do the most, is spend time with you. I missed you somuch.” You hoped that didn’t come off too strong but you just needed him toknow that you cared.
“Missed youtoo, doll.” He murmured into your neck and finally seemed to relax.
You couldhave stayed there forever like that, but you remembered you were not the onlytwo people in the room and you reluctantly pulled away.
“Oh,Yancy,” There was some wetness around his eyes and you brushed it away. “Comeon, sit down.”
You went towalk back around the table, but he held onto the sleeve of your jacket. Itseemed like he wanted to curl himself into you, the poor boy was probablytouch-starved. You twisted your hand in his grip so you could link yourfingers, before going to sit opposite him, pulling on his hand to get him tofinally sit down and earning a laugh out of him.
Youlistened to him as he relayed all of the latest antics that had been happening,Bambam stabbed the newest guard, someone heard the Warden finally say ‘fuck’(although no one knows who it was too as they all had their ears pressedagainst the door), and a pigeon got stuck in the mess hall for three days andthey named him Ritchie.
It was hardto hear that visitation was over and you had to part ways again. Determined notto let him leave without another hug you brought him back into your arms.
“Just threemore weeks, then you’ve got to deal with me again,” You smiled. “And hey, Ithink I’m allowed to bring you gifts, right? Anything you want? That you won’tget in trouble for having, of course.”
“Yousreally don’t gotta do anything like that for me.” He smiled and shook his head.
“But I wanttoo! I can smuggle you in sweets and books and uh…” You thought about how muchhe didn’t seem to want to let go of you. “How about I bring something for youto cuddle when I’m not around? If, uh, if that’s not weird…”
“S’notweird… Yous would really want to do something like that… for me?”
“Of course.I care about you, Yancy-”
“Yancy!Tell your sweetheart you’ve got to go, come on back to your cell.” The guardfrom the back of the room called out.
Both of youflushed at the word ‘sweetheart’ and the implication that you were his.
“Yousshould probably-”
“I shouldprobably get back-”
Both of youchuckled as you talked over each other. You were aware of your face feelingwarm and god you hoped you weren’t blushing too much.
“I’ll seeyou in three weeks, Yancy. I’ll miss you.”
“Yeah, I’llmiss you too.”
As you leftyou were already making a mental list of what you could bring him as gifts.That boy was about to get some sort of stuffed animal whether he wanted one ornot.
 @thehalfdemonwitchfromamestris @rats-this-username-is-taken 
let me know if you also want to be tagged in my heist x reader fics and/or yancy x reader fics
also if you could spare the time, to help me out and reblog my promo post for all the heist with markiplier pins, stickers and charms i’ve been making
https://emptymasks.tumblr.com/post/188796132169/shop-website-main-blog-art-blog-youtube
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firelord-frowny · 4 years
Text
wrote out some catharsis instead of going to sleep. 
Under the cut is a bit of fiction following characters I’ve had with me for years. You may notice that tenses are inconsistent - this is intentional. You may also notice repetition in places that seem strange. Think of it as a journal entry. Think of it as stream-of-consciousness. If you’re curious enough to read, a helpful bit of background: 1) Madison has been AWOL for about three years and has just recently turned up again. 2) Nixon is Madison’s best friend and also his It’s-Complicated On-Again-Off-Again lover. 3) Steven is a mutual friend of theirs.
I’ve always been a little bit scared of Steven. 
I mean, I love him. Of course. Deeply. I always have. But I’ve also always been scared of him. Not the kind of fear that makes you want to run away, but the kind that makes you want to hide.  And it’s that plain-sight kind of hiding. Maybe if I just don’t say anything, he won’t notice me. Maybe if I stay very still, I can avoid revealing to this extraordinary human being what an absolute dingus I really am. It’s not “scared” like I think he’ll hurt me. I know he’d never hurt me. It’s “scared” like I don’t know what to do with myself around him. Like I can’t read him, but I know he’s reading me,  and I know he’s seeing through all the bullshit I can usually fool other people with. All my life I’ve been so used to always feeling like the smartest person in the room. But that was never true whenever Steven was around. 
Out of everyone, I’ve spent the least amount of time alone with him. And when I have spoken one-on-one with Steven, it’s always been because he wanted to sit me down and lecture me about something Serious. Like when he told me in the back of Julius’s car that my father was going to beat me someday (he was right about that). Or the time on the metro train when he told me I’d regret not being kinder to my mother after she died (he was right about that, too). 
So when I heard Steven’s voice this morning, that same fear started growing inside me like ice crystals. Like little freezing daggers stabbing into my cells and making me feel cold. 
His voice this time wasn’t distorted by speakers. He was here. And I could hear Nix saying to him, “He doesn’t need to know.” 
Steven said, “I’m telling him.” 
Nix said, “It’s not his business. It’s not even relevant. I mean, not anymore.” 
I rolled out of bed. Paused to make sure my junk wasn’t hanging out of the robe Nixon gave me, and it wasn’t. Then I went to go open the door into the hall. 
Nixon was in the kitchen wearing scrubs. Those must be his work clothes. I remember when “work clothes” for Nixon was black slacks, a buttondown, and a Red Lobster nametag. He was putting dishes away - real, porcelain ones. Not plastic or paper like the ones we used to have. 
Steven was sitting at the bar table on a stool. His hair is gone. He always said he’d never cut it. I wonder what made him cut it. His dreads, I mean, his locs, were probably like three and a half feet long last time I saw him. 
They both turned to look at me. I thought I should say ‘good to see you, Steven,’ or ‘woah, what are you doing here, Steven,’ or ‘where’d your hair go, Steven,’ But what I said was, “...You’re gonna tell me what?” 
And instead of answering, Steven stood up and said, “Put some clothes on. I’m gonna take you out for some food.” 
I shook my head. “I, uh, I don’t wanna eat, I’ll-”
“Puke. Withdrawal. I know. Put some clothes on.” 
I looked at Nix. Nix shrugged and looked away. 
I told Steven, “I don’t have anything clean to wear.” 
Then Nix said, without looking at me, “In the closet at the back. Your stuff is there.” I watched Steven’s face as Nix said this, and I’m damn sure I saw him shake his head and roll his eyes. 
“You kept my stuff?” 
Another shrug from Nixon. “You were gonna need it if you ever came back.” 
Steven said again, “Get dressed.” 
***
My clothes didn’t quite fit anymore. I’m thinner now than I’ve probably ever been in my life. I mean, I was never fat, and I was never bulky, but I was always strong. The only part of the genetic lottery that played out in my favor was my natural inclination to be slightly more fit than not-fit. But even just a few months of treating yourself like garbage can whittle you down to nothing. So I grabbed the skinniest skinny jeans I owned. And I never wore belts, so I had to nab one of Nixon’s, and well, it was big on me, obviously, but I just tried to get it as tight as I could, which looked fucking ridiculous, really, but it was alright because then I threw on a hoodie that almost went down to my knees anyway. 
I didn’t say anything to Steven on the way down to his car. (The last time I was home, Franky and Julius were still the only ones among us who had cars). I’ve always worried that Steven thinks I hate him, given that I never really initiate conversation with him. But I don’t hate him. I’m just scared, like I said. 
The plates on the car were from out-of-state. I finally asked, just as we got in and he pulled out of the space, “Arizona?” 
He explained, “It’s an airport rental.” 
“Airport?”  
“I was in Houston.” 
“Houston… Texas? For what, like, a trip?” 
He shook his head. “I live there.” 
He drove along and I just looked at him like he was a fucking stranger. Then he said, “You missed a lot.” 
I asked him, “Why… why’d you move to Texas? I thought you hated Texas.” Truthfully, the only instance I can remember where Steven ever mentioned Texas at all was in high school when we were talking about that one Spongebob episode.  
He said, “That’s where most of the astronaut training stuff is at.” 
I felt my eyebrows raise. “You’re gonna be an astronaut?” 
He nodded. “I mean, if I don’t fail the exams.” 
Nix is a therapist at a rehab clinic and Steven is becoming an astronaut and I’m a washed-up junkie with nothing to his name besides a dropped felony charge, three misdemeanors, and an outstanding jaywalking ticket. I wasn’t even jaywalking. The light was broken and the cop had a quota to meet. I wasn’t even jaywalking. I’m not paying that fucking ticket. 
I finally said, “That’s like… your literal dream come true. That’s… amazing. Congratulations.” 
But he was terse and decidedly Not Gentle when he said, “I ain’t even there yet. Don’t congratulate me.” 
Steven scares me. I don’t know why he does what he does or says what he says. I can’t read him. I think he’s pissed at me but I also think if I told him I think he’s pissed at me, he’d tell me to get over myself.
I asked after a while, “...If you’re living in Texas now, what are you doing here?” 
“I’m here to see you.” 
My palms began to sweat. That feeling in my chest, that vibrating, that resonance that made me want to poison myself rang around inside me. 
“Why?” 
He pulled into the parking lot of a Waffle House. Steven loves waffles. I hate them. Pancakes, too. Syrup makes me sick. Steven got out of the car and I asked again, a little louder, maybe starting to panic, “Why?” 
He just said, “Come on.” 
I wanted a corner booth. I mean, if I was gonna be dragged to a restaurant against my will I wanted to at least be able to have a wall at my back and to one side of me. Safe. Small. Secure. But Steven asked for a table almost dead centered in the restaurant. I think he did this on purpose. I looked up at him, trying to give him that Look that I used to give my friends when something was too much for me, and then one of them, usually Nixon but also sometimes Franky or Steven, would give me some kind of excuse to leave without making anything awkward. And I know, I know Steven knows that look, and he looked down at me and I know he saw it, but he just… ignored me. 
I’m really scared of him. 
He sat, and so then I sat, but only because I had already stood there for long enough that someone glanced at me, clearly wondering why the hell I hadn’t sat down yet. A waitress came and took our orders. Steven ordered waffles and hash browns. I just shook my head and said “I’m not hungry.” But Steven interrupted and said, “Bring him some strawberries.” 
I do like strawberries.
He finally said, “You’ve figured out by now why I take you out in public to talk to you, right?” 
I just frowned. Confused. Annoyed. And honestly, the fucking fluorescent lights were giving me a headache. 
Steven said, “You’re a lot nicer in public. You don’t blow up. You don’t have meltdowns. Nah, you save those for when you’re just with us. And I know, I know, I’m sure your lil meltdowns are real or whatever, but it’s damn convenient that you can always manage to keep it together when strangers are watching.” 
I can never tell if Steven is trying to upset me. I think if I told him I thought he was trying to upset me, he’d tell me to get over myself. 
I told him, “I don’t know what you’re trying to say.” 
And he said, “Then quit trying to figure me out and just shut up and listen.” 
I think he’s trying to upset me. But I did shut up and listen. He said, “I don’t know what all you thought would happen when you just up and left like you did. And I know, you’re gonna say it ‘wasn’t about us,’ but like, no fuckin’ duh, bro. Because if it had been about us, you wouldn’t have picked your shit up and disappeared like that. But you did. And Franky, Franky started cutting himself again, like a damn teenager… Eli couldn’t hardly think straight. Me, I felt sick to my stomach worrying about you, and I mean sick, Midge. I mean I’m sitting at home tryna study thermodynamics and I cannot get the bile to quit rising in my throat, not knowing if you’re dead or alive out there.” 
For a long time I told myself that this was exactly what I stayed high to avoid thinking about. But I don’t know how I got myself to believe that lie, considering it wouldn’t have been a fucking issue if I had just stayed home. 
I clenched my jaw. Under the table I dug my nails into my elbows. I asked, with the monotonous inflection of a statement, “Why are you telling me any of this.” 
“You mean you don’t want to know?” Steven laughed. Steven laughed. 
“Honestly, man, I really just wanna get out of here.”  
“Yeah, I know you do. And, you know, if Nix had his way, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. Because I’m gonna tell you what he doesn’t want you to know. And it’s gonna fuck you up, and I’m glad about that.” 
I covered my face with my hands. I bit my tongue. Out of my throat I managed to squeeze out the words, “Steven, what do you want?” 
Then he said, like it was a bomb he’d been holding over my head, “Six months after you left, Nixon drank himself into a coma.” 
My hands dropped from my face and my eyes got hot and my chest got tight and I felt myself say, “What?” But I didn’t hear it.
“And, well, he lived alone at that point, ‘cause you were gone… Franky offered to have him come move in with him… Julius offered… I offered… hell, all of us offered… but he wouldn’t do it. Said he was gonna stay where he was so he’d be there when you got back. But you ain’t come back. And he was alone. So he did what he does, and he drank like a fuckin fish, drank until he almost died, and then he laid there for… well, he doesn’t know how long, of course, but the doc thought it must have been a whole day or two… and, you know, thank God it was the first of the month, so the landlord came knocking when the rent didn’t get paid, and well, that’s the reason your so-called ‘best friend’ ain’t dead right now.” 
I was shaking. All of me, I think, but mostly my hands, and my mouth. And I could feel how wide my eyes were, and how they stung and burned, and the wetness welling up and brimming. And I tried to stay still, so still that maybe he wouldn’t see me. Maybe Steven is a fucking velociraptor and if I just don’t move, I’ll survive this.
“So, the landlord calls 911… the hospital calls Julius… Julius calls us. I tried to call you. You ain’t answer, obviously.” He rolled his eyes. “We spend the next few nights like a damn vigil in a hospital waiting room… they’re telling us he could have brain damage… they’re telling us to expect ‘deficits’ if he wakes up… ‘if.’ If. Because that wasn’t a guarantee.”
My cheeks began to itch - tears sliding down. Tears that I didn’t move to wipe away, because remember, I had to stay still. 
“So Jules finally called their mom… and gotdammit, Red, you know I ain’t a fuckin crybaby, but when you hear your best friend, your best friend since y’all was in playin’ in sandboxes, on the phone with his mamma telling her that her other son might die…” Steven’s voice cracked. I can’t remember ever hearing Steven’s voice crack. “That shit’ll fuck a nigga up.” 
I felt myself ask him to stop. 
He didn’t. 
“So then Mrs. Johannsen shows up, and you know she always hated all of us. And now we almost couldn’t even blame her… this shit all happened because of you, and you’re one of us, so of course she kicks us out… of course she makes a scene, screaming, carrying on. And then we didn’t even get to see him unless Julius snuck us in. A week and a half of us camping out in the parking lot, waiting for the text from Jules that it was safe to come back up… but damn, we’re grown ass men. We got jobs. We got bills. We got shit to study for. Marco’s going to culinary school worrying about whether Nix is gonna die. Eli’s tattooing tramp stamps worrying about whether Nix is gonna die. Die over something so fucking stupid. Die because he thought life without you was just that bad.” 
I’m not that important. I can’t be. I don’t even weigh enough to be that important. 
“But, you know, by some miracle… by some gotdamn gift from on high, he wakes up.” Steven took a breath. Closed his eyes. Exhaled. “He wakes up, and he talks. He talks!” His voice shook. Today is a day where Steven’s voice has both cracked and shook. “And that was a big deal because the neurologist said he didn’t know if Nix would be able to talk. But he could, and he did. And the nurses asked us if we know anything about his ‘medicine.’ Nixon’s ‘medicine.’ They said he kept trying to ask about his ‘medicine.’” 
I finally had to move. Finally had to drag the cuffs of my sleeves over my face and wipe my eyes. 
Steven leaned forward a little. He looked right at me and I think that was the first time I ever noticed that Steven never really did that. He never really looked at me. He glanced at me sometimes, but he didn’t look. But this, this was looking. And I hated it. 
He said through his teeth, “But he wasn’t asking about ‘medicine,’ Madison.” That was the first time I could remember him calling me by my real name. I hated that, too. “What do you think he was asking about?” 
I had been doing such a damn good job at the silence and the stillness. But not now. Grief and guilt grabbed me like a puppet and shook me. Shook my shoulders. Pressed the breath out of my lungs in a sob - one that I’m sure anyone in the damn Waffle House was able to hear. And my hands went back to my face and my body curled over and there wasn’t anything I could do, there wasn’t any muscle I still had enough control over to stop myself from coming apart. 
I’m a monster, I’m a monster, a gremlin, a troll, a gargoyle, I’m every hideous thing I’ve ever been called. And I always thought it was because people hated how I looked, and I mean, that made sense, because I hate how I look, too. But maybe they were talking about my insides. Maybe all this time people have been able to see right through me and see all the ugly. 
And now all that hideousness was weeping in a Waffle House. Just imagine - though I guess I don’t really need to imagine - all the fuckups somebody has to make in their life to wind up weeping in a Waffle House at 12:30 in the afternoon. 
And Steven, well, Steven didn’t give a damn. He said what he was gonna tell me was gonna fuck me up, and that he’d be glad about it. And he was glad. I hid myself as best as I could… my face down against the table, my arms wrapped around my head… but I could still feel him looking. And I felt him lean closer, and he said, “But the funny thing is, Red… look at what he’s done without you. Look at his life. Beautiful, right?” 
I’ve only been back in Nixon’s life for maybe thirteen hours, but yeah, it does seem beautiful. 
Steven said, “He got better. He focused. And for the first time since the two of you even met, he’s been making decisions without having to think about you. And now he’s got a career. Living in a safe neighborhood. He’s got himself a girlfriend.” A girlfriend? “Her name’s Yoanna. She’s a holistic aromatherapist or some shit like that. She’s annoying as fuck, but he likes her, so I like her, too.” 
I snapped, finally… not a Big Snap, not by my standards anyway, but a little one. I sat up a little and my teeth gritted together and my hands gripped the edge of the table and I demanded - well, begged, really - “Are you gonna shut the fuck up now?” 
He gritted his teeth, too, and damn, I always say I know Steven would never hurt me, but in this moment that didn’t feel true anymore. He said, “No, I ain’t gonna shut the fuck up. Because since you’ve been gone, I watched my friend regrow a life from scratch. He shucked off all your baggage and became a whole person. And now you’re back.”
“And what, you want me to run off again? Want me to go die in a ditch? Is that what’s gonna make this all better?” 
Then he told me, in no uncertain terms, “If all you’re gonna do while you’re here is wreck Nixon all over again, then I’ll run you off my damn self.” 
This is a Steven who would hurt me If he felt like he had to. I’m sure of that now. And it feels like he feels like he has to. Or, it feels like he feels like he thinks he’ll have to very soon. 
Now when I looked at him, I think the fear in me was obvious. 
He said, “I know it must sound like I hate you. And let me be clear - I’m pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad at anyone in my life. Or this disappointed.” Then he added, his tone finally softening, “But I don’t hate you, man. I love you. You’re my brother. You’re my family. That ain’t gonna change. But I’m pretty sure it was you who told me before that being family ain’t always enough.” 
I choked. I rasped. I wavered. “But you said I was wrong.” 
“You weren’t.” He answered too quickly and that just fucking broke me inside. “I get it now.”
I made myself ask, “What can I do? To fix it?” 
He shrugged. “You can get yourself together. You can become somebody who makes other people’s lives better instead of worse. It’s really not rocket science.” That’s supposed to be funny because Steven is a literal aerospace engineer. “Man, Nixon loves you… he loves you. And he thinks I don’t know! He thinks we didn’t know! And damn, you might just be the most heavily flawed person I’ve ever met in my life, but forreal, it ain’t hard to see what he sees in you. You’re so fucking brilliant, Midge. And you know this. People tell you all the time!” He sounded angry. He sounded frustrated. “You could be anything! There really ain’t anything you suck at. But you just… waste yourself. And it makes me sick, and sad for you.” I’m feeling sick and sad for myself right about now, too. Then he said, “You know, growing up I had to fight for chances… I had to beg and prove myself worthy of opportunities… but you? People took your hand, opened up your palm, and placed opportunity ever so gently in your grip and you just fuckin lobbed it away every time. And I never told you how disgusting I think that is.” He huffed. Shook his head. “So that’s one thing you can do, right there. You can stop pissing away every chance you’re ever given.” 
The waitress arrived with my strawberries. 
I don’t think I like strawberries anymore. 
Neither of us spoke during the ride back to Nixon’s apartment. But before he drove off, he got out and hugged me. I don’t understand Steven. I can’t read him, and he scares me. I asked him if he was coming back up. He said, “Nah. I gotta get back to Houston.” And then he left. 
I don’t like being the kind of person for whom someone feels motivated to fly across the country just to destroy. 
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#5 - How Does That Feel?
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader
Word count: 3,515
Warnings: angst, fluff
Summary: Imagine Bucky finally letting you touch his arm.
~~~~
"How many times do I have tell you to stay away from it?" Bucky took big steps as he strode through the hallway with you in tow, struggling to keep up. "It's not safe!"
"Why isn't it safe? It's not like it has a mind of its own. It's just like your other arm, only bionic," you argued.
When you arrived at the door of Bucky's room, he stopped and turned to face you with an agitated expression. "Look, I don't have to explain myself to you, (Y/N). If I ask you not to do something, then please just don't do it, okay?" He slammed the door shut in your face.
"I know why you're running away! You're just afraid!" you yelled at the door.
~~The next morning~~
You were sitting at the breakfast table with a bowl of cereal in front of you, but you weren't exactly hungry. You felt guilty for yelling at Bucky yesterday and you wanted to apologize. That was the main reason you were there, you were hoping to run into him so you could talk.
As it turned out, you wouldn't have to wait for long, because there he was, walking over to the buffet table. You made your way over to him, consciously choosing to stand on his right side. You cleared your throat, "Bucky?" you peeped nervously.
He looked at you over his shoulder. "(Y/N)."
"Can I talk to you for a second?"
He sighed irritably and stared ahead of him, but when he turned to look at you again, he couldn't say no to those remorseful, pleading eyes. "Sure," he murmured and you followed him into the empty open kitchen, where you'd have at least some privacy.
You spoke with a soft voice so the team wouldn't hear what you were talking about. "Look, Bucky, I'm really sorry about yesterday." His steel blue eyes pierced your (Y/E/C) ones while he listened to what you had to say, you tried your best not to let that distract you. "I regret what I yelled at you after you shut the door, that was a mean thing to say."
He scoffed, "Yeah, but you were right."
"I know it may not always seem like it, but I'm just trying to help you. You know that, right?"
"I know, and I appreciate what you're trying to do, I really do. But I think this is just something I have to deal with my way, you know?" You simply nodded, feeling lousy because apparently you were unable to help a friend in need. Bucky sensed your disappointment and quickly tried to mend that feeling. "Look, if I need help figuring any other kind of stuff out, you'll be the first person I turn to, alright?"
A small smile returned to your face, "Alright," you confirmed. "Thank you, Buck," you quipped as you hugged his right bicep.
"Thank you," he said with a timid smile.
~~~~
Another day, another discussion. The fact that you and Bucky were both so headstrong didn't help. This time the fight was caused by something completely trivial. You were both in the kitchen, you standing on Bucky's left side. He asked you to hand him a mug, so you did. But instead of just taking it with his metal hand, the one closest to you, he forced his right arm to reach for it, eventually leading to the mug ending up shattered on the floor.
"Jesus Christ, Bucky, look at this mess!"
"What? I asked you to hand it to me, not drop it on the floor."
"Oh, so it's my fault? You're the one who went out of his way to grab the stupid thing with your right hand, instead of just taking it with your closest one like any other person would!"
"You know why I couldn't do that!"
"Yeah, and at this point it's getting bloody ridiculous! Let me tell you something, you stubborn ass: that mechanical arm you're so afraid of, it's a part of you, whether you like it or not! So consider this: if you can't accept that thing as a part of your body, if you can't stop fearing it, then why should anyone else?" Bucky just stared at you wordlessly now, clearly hurt. "Think about it," you spat bitterly and stormed off.
You were so done. Done with the frustration, done with the countless fights, done with the whole thing in general. You just kept going round in circles, it wasn't healthy anymore, for you or him. If he really wanted to 'deal with it his way', then fine, you weren't going to try and help him with it anymore.
~~Three days later~~
It's been three days now since your fight with Bucky, and you hadn't seen him since, which was pretty unusual. The Compound was a pretty big place, but you were bound to run into everyone at least once a day. Steve came to you in the rec room, where you were watching a late-night movie.
"Hey Steve, everything okay?"
"Hi, (Y/N). Not really actually, I was wondering if you've seen Bucky anywhere today."
You shook your head indifferently and asked: "Why ask me that?"
"Well, you guys usually hang out a lot, and I see the way he looks at you," that remark turned a confused frown on your face, "so I figured you'd be the best person to ask."
"What do you mean, 'the way he looks at me'?"
"Look, I know Buck's not the most open individual, but I can tell he really likes you." When he saw your surprise, he added: "What, you haven't noticed?"
"No, and we're not exactly on speaking terms right now," that came out more coldly than intended, "so, sorry pal, I can't help you."
"Why? What happened?"
You sighed, sadness threatening to overtake you, again, "I'd rather not talk about it right now."
"I understand... Well, if and when you do feel like it, you know where to find me. Good night, (Y/N)."
"Thanks Stevie. Good night." He gave you a sweet smile and left you alone in the room.
A tear rolled down your cheek, ever since the fight you've had this empty feeling inside your chest, like a gaping hole that just kept getting bigger with each passing day. The fight had been replaying in your head over and over and over again, and each time it made you feel more miserable. More tears came streaming down your cheeks, until you were almost sobbing. You weren't even watching the movie anymore, you were just completely lost in your thoughts and feelings, until the sound of the fridge door opening behind you caught your attention. You turned around on the sofa to see who it was and were startled to find Bucky standing by the fridge, staring at you like a thief who had just been caught red-handed. He looked just as miserable as you, with dark rings under his eyes and a generally neglected appearance. As soon as you spotted each other, you turned back around and Bucky ran out of the room. Now you just broke into tears all the way.
~~A week later~~
You were sitting in your usual secluded spot at the breakfast table, fumbling with your food through lack of appetite. Bucky was seated as far away from you as possible, but at least he left his his room again every now and then. He looked like shit and so did you. Neither of you really ate, slept or got out of your room. It was a miracle that the two of you were actually in the same room for once. Natasha decided to join you and strike up a conversation, small talk mostly. She was just babbling away until she noticed something about you and asked: "Hey, did you lose a few pounds?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Lots of exercise? Crazy diet? Because it looks like you lost quite a bit in a short period of time."
"You got that right."
"So, what's the secret?" she prodded excitedly.
"If you really want to know... Things haven't been going so great lately, so I don't really eat much of anything these days. That's the secret." You looked in Bucky's direction to find his gaze already focused on you. Just the sight of him looking into your eyes made you tear up. He stood up from his chair briskly and stomped off. "I-I'm sorry Nat," your voice broke, "I need to go." You ran to your room and locked yourself inside.
~~That night~~
The buzzing sound of your phone brought you back from a shallow sleep, who the hell would call you at this hour? You picked up your phone and saw Bucky's name on the screen.
Bucky? No, he must have been calling the wrong number accidentally. You let it go to voicemail, but moments later your phone started buzzing again. The same name appeared on your screen, so you eventually answered the call after hesitating for a ridiculous amount of time.
At first you didn't talk, you just listened for anything coming from the other end of the line. All you could make out was the sound of irregular, shaky breaths. "Bucky?"
"(Y/N), please," he sobbed with a trembling voice. "C-can you come over? I... I need you." You had to take a moment to process this before answering. "(Y/N)?" "I'll be there in a minute," you said eventually, then ended the call. 'What the hell' was all you could think, your mind was racing, you were about to speak to Bucky for the first time in almost two weeks. You felt yourself getting nauseous purely from stress. You took a deep breath, got out of bed to put on some clothes and started towards Bucky's room.
There you were, he was right behind this door. You were extremely hesitant, your stomach twisted and turned in every possible angle, but eventually you had mustered enough courage to knock on the door and let yourself in. "Bucky?" You asked weakly as you treaded into his room. It was dimly lit, with the only light coming from the bedside lamp. His room was a mess; his bed was unmade, clothes were scattered across the floor and there were stacks of plates, cutlery and glasses on various flat surfaces. Your eye fell on your friend's silhouette standing in front of the window, staring out into the dark. He slowly turned around to face you when you called out his name a second time, the faint light reflecting off his tear-stained cheeks. In a reflex, you darted towards him to give him a hug, but he backed away as soon as he caught wind of that intention. Him doing that hurt you more than he could imagine.
"Bucky, please, not this again. Not now..." Now that you were closer to him you could see the redness in his tired eyes.
"I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm so sorry," he almost whimpered, his voice sounded so weak and fragile. He covered his face with his right hand as his body went limp against the bedroom wall and slumped to the floor. "I can't stop thinking about what you said. You were right; everyone here either hates or fears me, the ones who don't are slipping away and it's my fault. I can't lose the few people I have, (Y/N), not again. You and Steve are all I have left in this world." He looked up at you with tears in his eyes. "Please, don't give up on me. I, I can't lose you too..." You sighed deeply and walked over to him. You installed yourself in front of him with your legs crossed, a move which he copied.
You placed a hand on his knee: "Bucky, I'm not going anywhere." He kept his gaze averted. "Hey, I need you to look into my eyes Buck, can you do that for me?" you asked softly. Bucky nodded and did as you requested. "Do you trust me?"
"Of course I do," he muttered with a raspy voice, "that's not the problem."
"Then what is?" you queried.
"Me. I don't trust myself." He still held his reddened eyes locked on yours.
"Bucky," you cautiously reached out your hand and placed it on his left knee, making him pull his metal arm a little closer to his body, "you're not going to hurt me." 
"I can't know for sure."
"Maybe not, but I can. And I do know for sure. Here," you said as you scooted closer to him so your knees touched, and gently let your fingertips graze over the knuckles of his flesh hand. When he didn't flinch, you slowly let your fingers snake their way under his palm, you held his hand like that while you rubbed reassuring circles on its back with the pad of your thumb. "There, not so bad up till now, right?" Bucky shook his head in a child-like manner. You entwined your fingers with his, locking your hands in place.
"Now, will you let me try something else?"
"You mean touch my metal hand," he guessed anxiously.
Your answer was plain and simple: "Yes."
Bucky swallowed thickly, anxiety trying really hard to take over, but he was tired of this problem. Tired of running from it and tired of the pressure it put on his relationship with you. He wanted to get rid of this damn mental block, so he nodded.
Even though he gave you the OK to proceed, his entire body now started tensing up at the thought of what was about to come next. "Relax," you spoke in a soothing, almost hypnotic voice, "nothing bad is going to happen." You let your right hand slowly approach Bucky's left one while keeping an eye on his worried face. His eyes followed your hand's movements meticulously. As your fingertips slowly inched closer, his frown carved deeper into his brow and his breathing became more agitated. When you were only a couple of millimetres removed from finally touching the cool metallic surface of Bucky's mechanical arm, he lost his nerve and pulled his hand away from yours, but only a few inches. 
"Stop," he gasped, so you froze your arm's movements.
"It's okay, sweetheart, you're doing great, we're almost there."
"I'm gonna hurt you. I-If not now, then sometime soon."
"Hey, that's not true, you know why? Because it's not in control of you, you're in control of it. and I trust you completely. Alright?" He nodded sheepishly. "Do you want me to try again?"
Bucky blew out some air. "Yeah," he hummed and relaxed his left arm, draping it over his knee.
"Okay, can you hold your hand open and on its back for me?" He did as you said; he let his lower arm rest on his thigh and loosely opened his fingers to expose his shining, metallic palm. "Remember: I trust you, okay?" you reminded him and squeezed the hand you were already holding. "I just need you to do the same."
Without further hesitation you reached out to him again, lining up your fingertips, your pads hovered over his, slowly zeroing in. When you were as close as you had gotten with the previous try, you paused to look up at him. His eyes found yours and he swallowed thickly again, you gave him a reassuring nod which, to your surprise, he returned. So you turned your gaze down again, both ready as you'll ever be for the big moment.
Your fingertips touched his with a gentle, feathery caress, the impact of the moment itself and the cold sensation of his metal digits made the hairs on your arm shortly stand up. You looked up at Bucky with an excited smile, who let out a relieved sigh in return. You let your finger pads trail to his palm, then upwards over the inside of his lower arm followed by his bicep. After reaching his shoulder and tracing around the shape of the characteristic red star there, your fingers grazed down again over the grooved metal plating. You gently lifted his hand and carefully brought it up to cup your cheek. You locked it in place by holding yours over it while looking deeply into his focused, bright blue eyes. Then, you plucked his hand from your cheek again, placed a butterfly kiss on its palm and held it out facing yours. You proceeded by sliding your fingers up over the inside of his hand until your palms and digits were lined up and resting against each other. Bucky relished the sight of his hand held up perfectly against yours, and watched as you slowly let your fingers slip between his and closed them against the back of his hand.
After imprinting this image into his memory, his relieved eyes found yours with a grateful gaze. "How does that feel?" you asked.
"Better than I ever could have dreamed," he admitted honestly.
You smiled affectionately as you let go of his flesh hand so you could cup his cheek. Would it be too soon to kiss him? You were about to find out; you slowly leaned your face closer to his. Once he realized what you were doing, his lips were automatically being pulled towards yours, like some kind of magnetic force had control over them. You closed your eyes simultaneously right before your lips collided into an electric, stars-and-fireworks kind of kiss. His smooth lips molded right into yours as you tilted your head more to the right to deepen the kiss. Bucky wrapped his free arm around your waist and you let your hand travel from his jaw to his neck. You pulled your lips slightly away from his and tilted your head to the left to switch sides, grazing your nose over Bucky's as you did. He parted his lips and let his tongue slide over your upper lip, requesting entrance. You mimicked his movements and let your tongue slip past your lips so it could tangle with his.
This whole time, however, you were sitting very uncomfortably. So you reluctantly pulled away from Bucky's soft, hot lips, got up and tugged your still connected arm backwards, pulling Bucky to his feet as well. You stepped backwards toward the bed, motioning him to sit down on its edge before straddling his lap and reconnecting his lips with yours. Seeing as he was still a bit afraid and hesitant to let his metal hand do much of anything, you guided it to the small of your back. You then placed both your hands on the sides of his face, pouring all your love and affection into your heated kiss. In a sudden fit of passion, Bucky wrapped his metal arm firmly around your waist and brought his other up into your hair to cradle the back of your head as he leaned backwards and pulled you down with him. He let both his hands travel all over your body while you kept yourself propped up with one hand and held the back of his neck with the other.
Both of you had been waiting for this to happen for such a long, torturous time.
~~The next morning~~
Bucky's metal fingers were dancing over the warm, soft skin of your upper arm while he listened to the sweet little nothings you whispered to him. His vivid blue eyes watched as the softly spoken, adoring words fell from your rosy lips, words that seemed to make his entire expression lighten up. 
Everyone who walked into the cafeteria saw you and Bucky sitting snugly together at the breakfast table the way you did, and they all gave you the same baffled look. But neither of you seemed to notice, you were just too preoccupied with each other to care about anything that was happening outside of your little, romantic bubble. 
You were just caught up in another kissing session when the sound of someone clearing their throat broke up your embrace. It was Steve.
"I see you two are friends again," he chuckled with a kind smile, making both of you laugh.
"Hey Steve," you murmured with a mischievous grin on your lips.
The Captain pointed his index finger at Bucky's metal hand covering yours: "And that's new too. I'm really glad you worked things out."
"Yeah, me too," Bucky agreed warmly while glancing at you with grateful eyes.
"Alright, I'll leave you guys to it. You take good care of her, alright Buck?"
He put his arm around your shoulders and spoke a firm "Yes, Sir."
After Steve left, your attention immediately turned back to each other. Bucky's lips were curled up into a content smile while his sapphire eyes scanned every inch of your face with a dreamy gaze.
"What?" You asked him sweetly.
"Nothing," was his reply as he started playing with your hand. "I'm just really happy."
You smiled. "Me too," you said and you kissed him firmly on the lips.
You could definitely get used to this.
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For the Worst of the Worst
Disclaimer: This is my very first fanfic and let’s face it, my writing skills have been rusty because I haven’t really written anything that worthwhile in years. I am absolutely serious about the time that has lapsed, it’s been like three years? so please be nice. If you have any suggestions or something to criticise, please be nice about it. Thank you.
Oh, let’s just say that this is around Season 7 where Garcia and Hotch are tag team as the media liaison--but someone else takes the role as the media liaison.
--------------------
               Harper Massey, I’ve been working as the team’s media liaison for roughly three years now and among the whole team, I’ve been the closest to the resident Dr. Reid. Everyone couldn’t deny how we both hit it off when I first walked into the door and presented the team’s latest case. It was a series of murders in a quiet town up north. I spouted statistic after statistic, even inputted a case similar to what we were facing now. Spencer couldn’t believe it, someone just beat him to his usual quirk and the whole team just went quiet. To say the least we couldn’t stop talking on the jet and while working on the case.
               We were two peas in a pod, no one could deny that.
               “Hey there Miss thang” Morgan greeted me as I walked into the doors of the BAU, “how’s the coffee today?” He asked as I walked over to him and handed him a paper bag. We were in a silent agreement that I was to buy him breakfast and he would lay off on teasing me about Spencer.
               We were teased a lot because of how perfect we would be if we started dating and got married. Ugh.
               We suddenly turned around the sight and sound of Spencer running into the office, out of breath and completely out of sorts. “What’s the rush? I don’t have to present a case for another 10 minutes” I smiled at him and he just shot me a glare
               He stood up straight and brushed his shirt to remove the wrinkles he got from running. “I thought I was late, my alarm went off late and I was—damnit” He replied, still very much out of breath.  Morgan and I had to desperately contain the laughter that was very much threatening to burst out of our mouths. Apparently boy genius forgot that he moved the time in his house to be later so he wouldn’t be late anymore, who could’ve guessed he’d have a lapse like that.
               “So much for Eidetic memory” I teased him, he was about to give a sarcastic retort before Garcia walked in and told us that the briefing was about to start “This is not over Harper, remember that” Spencer threatened me as we walked together to the briefing room
               “I think it can wait, I have a case to present” I smiled sweetly at him and walked faster so I could get to the room first and get the briefing started
.
.
.
               There were days that the team got to go home knowing that at least for a time, there was some sort of semblance of peace. Today was not the day, the case went horribly wrong and much as Hotch and Rossi tried to convince the team that it was normal that we’d screw up, it didn’t help. To say the least the whole team was glum on the way back to HQ.
               If there was anything that was uplifting, it was Garcia in her colorful outfit ready to pick up the team’s spirits. She was stood at the door with alcohol in hand and dvds, the whole team couldn’t be any glad that she was there to greet them.
               “We tried our best, we did” She said in a tone that was pained but optimistic, Morgan wrapped an arm around her as we all walked to the briefing room to blow some steam before going home. “You especially Harper, don’t blame yourself” she smiled at me which got me taken back and frozen for a quick second
               For someone who wasn’t a profiler, she was really good at reading people. Or maybe I just showed too much emotion and it gave away how I felt at any given time. The latter was the most probable, actually both options were probably. After all, we’d been friends for a good amount of time.
               “Yeah Harper, you did your best, we could have never predicted that it would’ve turned out like that. The profile was correct but we were too late and he devolved from the profile” Spencer reasoned with me as he awkwardly fiddled with the strap of his bag. He was a dork but he tries his best to make me feel better when I felt like shit. We were kind of like Garcia and Morgan if Morgan was less buff and more nerdy and Garcia was less techy and more awkward.
               The unsub had been in a psychotic break and when the team got to him, he was beyond reason. I figured that the press conference I made prior to the team catching up to him triggered him to spiral out of control so fast. I  just knew that it was my fault that they did more damage than help and I just felt so helpless that I couldn’t have even been in the line of fire or even tried to make things a little bit better. I was just thankful that none of our team got seriously hurt.
               “Spence, I gave that press conference, it was my words that triggered him to spiral out of control. I can’t live that down, the lives taken that day—I can’t fathom it” I said, my throat getting tighter as my eyes threatened to spill tears “Spence, I killed all those people, because of me they died. I can’t live that down” He pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back, I still refused to let myself cry. I couldn’t let myself go out of control like this, after losing so much control already.
               He kept rubbing my back, “Listen to me, don’t say anything before I finish. It’s part of the job, you did your job like how Hotch instructed you to do it. We knew something like that was going to happen but we did not expect it to be in that scale” He cooed, “We try to lessen the risk as much as possible but there will be days that it can’t be helped. Don’t blame yourself, never blame yourself. We all made our decisions and it resulted to this.” He said as he audibly gulped.  The whole team felt guilty over what happened, the deaths hanged over everyone’s heads like a dark cloud. Spencer felt guilty because he should’ve figured everything out faster, if only he had a minute more. It was enough.
               And now I felt even more guilty because I was on the verge of breaking down. I didn’t even consider how everyone felt. With that, I cried.
               “Massey, it’s okay” Morgan said as he neared us. They were all in the briefing room, ready to watch the movie when they noticed that Spencer and I weren’t there.
               “It’s not okay Morgan, I’ve been here for three years and I know people die but we always save someone. Not today Morgan, not today” I turned my face to him, tears streaming down my face. He pursed his lips, he knew I was beyond reasoning right now. Garcia was behind him, her lips were quivering, she wanted to say something but thought against it and now she’s on the verge of tears. “I love my job but what happened today will always be in the back of my head, haunting me” I said in a whisper, burying my face into Spencer’s chest.
               “You should get her home Spence, today is a really rough day—for all of us” Prentiss advised, I felt him nod his head but right as he was to take a step, I stopped him by pulling on his shirt
               “Harper,” JJ started but I just drowned her out by my crying
               This job is a really shitty job sometimes. I love the people I’ve come to call my family, I love the support we give to each other. I love every single aspect of this job. What I don’t love right now is myself.
               “Harper, we can stay here in the BAU if you want, we can have a sleepover?” JJ suggested, I nodded my head. The others agreed quickly, if there’s anything we needed was rest but I doubt none of us wanted to drive home alone.
               But I quickly retracted my answer. They all had someone to go home to, they all needed the support they could get from their homes. Sure, we were a family but nothing beats the comfort of home and their actual family. “I just need some time here, is that okay?” I asked, trying to keep myself balanced, holding onto Reid for some support
               “Use my office to get some privacy” Morgan offered and we both nodded. They all decided that Reid was enough to keep me calm so they slowly made their way back to the briefing room.
               Reid, Spencer Reid. He was the first friend I made when I came into the team, he was everything I was and more. No wonder we became close friends really fast.
               “You want to sit down?” He asked, snapping me out of my thoughts, I nodded and he guided me to a chair. He sat in front of me and held my hands tight, he always did that when he tries to comfort me. Physical touch was to keep some sort of connection, I can’t remember clearly. “You want to talk or—we can not talk” he said awkwardly noticing my silence and the still very present tears on my face
               I smiled at him, it was pained, I know but I smiled at him.
               “How can you not feel as bad as I feel right now?”
               “Well, a lot of people process things differently and really in a team, there’s always someone who feels more than others. It’s an evolution thing. Empathy, you know—“ he gulped, “at least I know you won’t be a psychopath with that much empathy in you” He awkwardly laughed to try to lessen the tension in the air
               “Can we just stay here for a while, I need to collect my thoughts and I just broke down out there” I took a deep breath “I tried to keep a calm and collected exterior, how do you guys do it?”
               “The Academy can teach you as much as it can, books and journals can supplement your learning to such degree but being on the field and experiencing everything firsthand is a whole different level. Plus, we’ve been here longer, we’ve seen worse and experienced more horrible things. We just take in precaution the next time around so that something like this never happens ever again” He smiled at me
               “That calmed me down a little bit. Thank you” I squeezed his hands. He nodded in reply
               Today will probably one of the worst days I will ever have but I think I’ll be okay. I’ll probably break down a couple more times before I can begin to get past this. If this scrawny guy in front of me can face the worst of the worst, who’s to tell I can’t.
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btsinwonderland · 7 years
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Love Me Better - Ch. 41
A Monsta X Story...
Previous Chapter - Next Chapter
Full Chapter List
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 The drive back was longer due to the amount of stops that needed to be made for Jihun. He was a good boy that sat back and stared at the clouds for the most part. Though all children were children at the end, no matter what the situation.
Vy sat in the back seat with Miranda and entertained Jihun as much as she could. His innocent face looked up at her with half moon lids. All she could do was smile and stroke his head. She took to giving him all her attention to move away from her worrisome thoughts.
He laughed like bells when she played peek a boo with him and Vy wondered about the beauty of the world. His small face was so kind and caring, all she felt in her heart was a sense of joy and purity. The shit hole that had been her life for a long time longed for such a peaceful emotion.
“You’re really lucky Miranda, he’s a wonderful boy,” Vy said.
Miranda squeezed Vy’s hand and smiled. “I know.”
After a few more hours they arrived at the location. The car shook from the rubble it had to drive over. Shownu went down a hill to park the car away from plain site. The car swerved dangerously at one point and they all jerked about.
“Mind the ride everyone!” Shownu said with a laugh.
Vy grew concerned at his enthusiastic method of dangerous driving though Miranda laughed along with him. They stopped in front of a wall. Brick was chipped off the edges and it stood tall and broken.
“So this is what it looks like now,” Shownu said. He sighed heavily and turned off the engine.
Vy had not been back since they searched for Wonho. She felt rubble crunch against her shoes when she stepped out. They walked around the wall into the place that was once their home. A broken black telephone lay in pieces a couple steps away from her. She realized they were standing in what used to be the kitchen.
“Are you sure it was a good idea to come here?” She said.
“I know it's lame to say this is where they’ll least expect us, but it's true,” Wonho said. “They wouldn’t come back here, there’s nothing left.”
“Just be careful, we don’t know how stable everything is,” Miranda said. She took out Jihun and carried him in his portable car-seat with ease.
They walked around the site and looked around. There were so many things she had not noticed before. Vy realized that when she was searching for Wonho she had missed looking at so many details. There were clothes, knives, pieces of furniture that had fallen in with the collapse. She even picked up one of her rings that shone atop of a pile of cement. After dusting it off, she put it on her her ring finger.
Around the east side of the destruction, near the middle, there was one room that remained intact. Surprisingly it was holding together. There were no beams above it that might cause it to crash and it still had its ceiling. Only one wall was missing but it provided enough coverage that they decided to settle down there. It was one of their old meeting rooms, the glass sliding doors had shattered but the chairs and tables remained intact.
“Lucky for once!” Wonho said with a smile.
Vy smiled at his attitude. “You know what’s the funniest part of all this Wonho? You were mopey and broody as shit when I first met you, and now everything is fucked but you’re all smiles.”
Shownu laughed. “It’s not the situation Vy, it's the person-“
“Shut up Shownu,” Wonho said abruptly. When they all looked up to stare at him he mumbled something about calling Kihyun and walked away.
“What did I say?” Vy said.
Miranda and Shownu shared a look and smiled at her together. It was eerily in sync and gave Vy chills. She was about to ask again when arms wrapped around her from behind. She was taken by surprise and was ready to hand out a punch.
“I missed you!” It was Lana.
Vy turned around and hugged her tightly. “How have you been?” She looked past her and saw the rest of them flood into the room.
Kihyun had dark circles under his eyes and it looked as though they had stayed up for days. Vy only just noticed that Lana had tears streaming down her face.
“What happened?” Vy said.
“Hyungwon was shot,” Kihyun said.
Right before Vy was about to panic, Changkyun and Wonho walked in carrying Hyungwon. He looked like death was over his shoulder but Vy breathed a sigh of relief to see him breathing. Though his head rolled dangerously around.
“What happened?” Miranda said.
They placed him on the table gently and Kihyun took off Hyungwon’s jacket and shirt. “He was shot, we were trying to get away and they were on our trail for hours. Just when we thought we lost them, they fucking found us.” Kihyun concentrated on putting pressure on Hyungwon’s torso.
“We have a med kit in the trunk!” Miranda said as she ran out of the room.
Vy leaned close to Hyungwon’s face and moved his hair from his eyes. Kihyun told her to keep him awake. His eyes drooped more as each second passed. His cheekbones looked sunken and his entire face was gaunt.
“Hey, listen to me, wake up Hyungwon, don’t you wanna see your girl?” Vy said. She tried to keep the tears back.
He looked up miraculously for a few seconds and made direct eye contact with her. A lop sided grin appeared on his face as he whispered. “Jagiya…” He reached up to touch her face and she held his hand there. They shared a tender moment until his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started shaking.
“Oh my god, oh my god, Hyungwon!” Vy felt his hand squeeze hers painfully.
“He’s going into shock! Someone hold him down!” Kihyun said.
Wonho held his shoulders down. Vy could barely breathe as she stared at his haggard expression clearly draining of its vitality.
“He needs blood! Fuck, fuck!” Kihyun looked like he was in pain, “the bullet must have hit an artery!”
“I have needles! There’s needles in this kit and tubes, my blood is O negative!” Miranda ran inside. She knelt down beside Hyungwon and opened the kit.
She sat calm and quiet as everyone around her flooded with nervous energy. Miranda took out the needles and tubes and calmly instructed Kihyun to help her. They positioned Hyungwon’s arm and sanitized the crook of his elbow. She tied an elastic around her arm tightly as Kihyun stuck the needles on each end of the flexible tube. She then grabbed one end, sanitized it, and stuck it in the vein of her arm.
Vy watched in amazement as Miranda worked with the needle in her arm. Blood began to flow through the tube and as it began dripping through the other side, she stuck the needle into Hyungwon’s arm. She instructed Wonho to elevate the tube in a way that it would flow faster. Then she checked Hyungwon’s eyes one at a time.
A few crucial seconds later, when Miranda checked his pulse, she sat back and wiped the sweat off her brow. “He’s stable, we need to dress the wound now.”
A collective sigh occurred in the room and Vy could not help but feel tears run down her face. “Holy shit Miranda."
Miranda shook her head and smiled, “I used to be a nurse, it was my duty.”
Changkyun looked at the scene with wide eyes. “You’re amazing,” he said. Then he paused a moment as his eyes snapped to her face. “Wait, who are you?” He paused again and looked around the room as if he were in an alien world. “Why is there a baby here?”
Vy and Wonho made eye contact and could not help but burst into laughter. Their emotions were spilled all over the floor and they sounded hysterical. It must have been a sum of the sleep deprivation and trying incidents.
“Why don’t you dress his wound while we explain?” Miranda said to Kihyun. “Baby you tell them,” she said to Shownu with a sigh.
Changkyun, Kihyun, and Lana glanced between Shownu and Miranda with a confused look on their faces.
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“So you’re telling me that Kim is doing all this and is going to attack again? And Soo and Minhyuk are all a part of this fucked up conspiracy?” Kihyun said.
“Pretty much, she was always a snake for power, wherever the rats go, she goes,” Wonho said.
“And we still haven’t heard from Jooheon?”
“No,” Vy said. She tried calling him while they were catching up but still there was no answer.
“Fuck this shit, this is next level…” Changkyun said.
Kihyun pulled out a laptop from his bag and set it on the ground. “We need some kind of lead on this, did you guys make copies of the files?”
Vy looked in her pockets desperately but groaned when she found nothing. She could not remember. It was then that Lana pulled out a USB drive from her pocket. “He told me to keep it safe,” she said with a wink.
“Ah you beauty! I could kiss you!” Kihyun said. There was an awkward pause after he realized what he said aloud and everyone looked away.
Lana blushed in the corner fiercely after giving him the USB and Vy was sure she might faint.
“So the housing project was already used, that leaves the hospital and the school,” Kihyun said. “Both of those are potential targets, how do we know which one?"
“We’ll need to split up,” Shownu said.
They all looked around gravely. There was a childish second where they all seemed to feel the same thing. Nobody wanted to leave the low state of rest they were in. Despite the fact they were in a demolished building and that Hyungwon was laying there unconscious in the corner. There was a moment where they all felt the comfort of being together again.
“He’s right,” Wonho said.
“Someone needs to stay with Hyungwon, he can’t be moved,” Miranda said. After a thought she said, “I’ll stay with him.”
Shownu looked at her with a pained expression. “We don’t know how long this place will be safe, scouters might come back, I can’t leave Jihun and you here like this.”
“You don’t have to,” Kihyun said. “We can hit both quickly enough. Between Vy, Wonho, Changkyun, and I, we can go to the hospital first and sweep it. If there’s nothing there we know it’s the school."
“What about me?” Lana said. “I can help.”
Kihyun turned to her and embraced her fiercely. Vy’s jaw dropped. She heard Wonho smirk and whisper “atta boy.”
“I can’t afford to put you in danger, please just stay here and help them. I’ll be back for you,” Kihyun said as he held her face in his hands.
Lana stood there stock still and silent. She nodded and hugged him back. Vy’s eyes snapped to Wonho who was already staring at her. She felt heat rush to her cheeks as she looked away. Her stomach did a flip and she crossed her arms.
Changkyun brought his rifle from the car and told them they had some more in the trunk.
 Vy pulled out her gun and counted the rounds left. “We better make them count."
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justanotherlifeff · 4 years
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Levi Ackerman × reader
Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn
Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.
Levi POV
The other members of the squad gathered to see me spar with the new girl. I've only taken her into my squad because Shadis bragged about how good she was on the combat stimulated graduation test. "If trained by you, she'll be a very efficient titan slayer. However, she seems to work best alone, and when you give her some respect. She strangled a cadet to unconsciousness once for catcalling her. That's the only time she got in trouble with the rules." Shadis explained. I, however, wasn't going to give 'respect' to some privileged cadet who's much younger than I am. He mentioned she's as good as I am but I doubt it because she looks like she can barely lift a rock. Her big mouth back at the courtroom didn't improve my views on her either. A weak brat with a big mouth is as shitty as horse shit in a stable. She did have something different about her though. Her eyes, they held the same expression as mine. "Am I judging her wrong?" I wondered internally before putting the thought aside because what possibly can happen to a privileged brat who lived all her life up here? Dead parents? That happened to pretty much everyone in the undergrounds. As we reached the middle of the courtyard, I saw her take a defensive stance. "Hmm, that is a pretty good strategy" I thought. This means she wants to access my attacking style before attacking me. But it isn't too easy to predict me. With that, I threw a kick at her.
Your POV
He figured out my plan about the defensive strategy. I could see it in his eyes. His face was expressionless but his eyes gave it away. I understood because I never bring what I feel onto my face either. He came close to land a punch on me but I knew it could be a kick as well since he already figured out my plan. I was right and he did through a kick. I caught his leg and tried to twist it so that he would fall down but surprisingly, he just used his other leg to kick at my face. I held it at the last moment but that made him wrap his leg on my neck and throwing me to the ground. He wasn't using any particular fighting technique. He went from offensive to defensive and the other way around in a matter of moments. He made up his moves along the way.
Now that I knew his tactics, I took advantage of my aerobics skills and grabbed his neck from behind with my legs as he was over me holding my hands securely and putting a leg on my back so that I couldn't move while I was on the ground with my nose on the floor. As I choked him, he released my hand to remove my feet from his neck. I took the advantage of it and used my hand to remove his leg from my back and slid away from underneath him. However he caught my leg and as I fell down, he pinned my hands with his legs and my legs with his hands. There was only one thing to do now but that made me feel uncomfortable beyond measures. He wouldn't expect this attack in any way because most people in the army were strong but not flexible enough to do this. I had to thank my childhood in the underground for this as the amount of stretching I went through all my childhood made me flexible enough to ace all the aerobic lessons my aerobics instructor threw at me back when I trained with Uncle Erwin.
"You privileged brats don't know the importance of survival. All you can do is bark like a street dog, trying to make your whims justified. No wonder you can't win. If you have never seen death right infront of your eyes, you can't take a fight seriously. This is what brats like you should get for trying to act like grownups and interfering when your superiors are talking" he said with his monotone voice. A flash of memory went through my head. The picture of a darkened room, the blood splattered on the floor, the many hands approaching me. I knew I had to do something.
Levi POV
I had her now. She did put up a good fight but she definitely didn't last too long. Just when I was thinking this, I saw her boots sliding off and her legs shooting out and then she sat on my face. Leaving out the part about how embarrassing it was, that clearly was something I didn't see coming. She pinned my arms and legs with immense speed using her hands and legs because she couldn't hold it alone with her hands. "I surrender" I grunted because my face was being squished. She got up and saluted me. Everyone was staring dumbstruck. I personally was caught aback with that move. She was looking down on the ground trying to hide her face because she probably was blushing. I had to admit she was good. Being able to bend so much without breaking her back was an immense feat. She was second in command material. I finally understood what Shadis was implying. She doesn't deal with criticism well. Her fighting techniques were impressive enough to gain my respect though, even if she was a subordinate. I decided that I would respect her as an equal since that probably would lead her to trust me and help me to train her to make use of her skills in the most efficient way possible. Maybe I judged her wrong because someone with a privileged life wouldn't be able to react like that to a simple sentence... Her name seemed familiar too...
"I suppose Shadis wasn't lying. You are really talented. I couldn't have predicted that move but please do try not to sit on people's faces because it's awkward." I said keeping my normal monotone voice. "Sorry sir. This won't happen again" She answered, embarrassment clear in her eyes. "You have the quality to be second in command. However, I'll see how good you are on our next expedition and then think about it. You're dismissed. Get me a cup of tea at my office in one hour, Petra" I stated before going back in the castle to take a shower. The fight made me filthy.
Your POV
As embarassing as it was, I won against the strongest soldier of humanity. I was only able to win because he wasn't too tall and I surprised him by sitting on his face. He probably didn't expect a girl to do something like that. Not to mention that my flexibility gave me certain advantages in combat. I wouldn't have won against him otherwise because he's very much stronger than I am. Everyone was staring at me and once Levi left, Petra, Eren and three other men came towards me awestruck. "YOU ACTUALLY DEFEATED LEVI HEICHOU!" Petra screamed. "I thought he was gonna kill you" said Eren with a bright expression. "Well, you did pretty good for a rookie though. I'm Oluo Bozado. Call me Oluo" said one of the three men. "I see you will take my post as second in command in no time" Eld Jinn sighed. I knew him from the newspapers. With that, Eren went back to his chores already since it was clear that he was scared of Levi heichou to death. "She clearly deserves to be second in command given that you never won against heichou" said the other man. "Well, Gunther, atleast I didn't piss my pants like Petra and Oluo here when I first saw titans" said Eld. "It wasn't anything notable. I have much to learn." I answered to them. "Oh come on! Don't be so sour! Lighten up a bit!" Petra laughed, invading my personal space by hugging me out of nowhere. Did she really not get the message that I don't like people around me? "Well, I'll take a shower" I muttered before leaving. I made my contribution to the conversation and went to the bathroom.
After washing my body, I took a blade in my hand as usual and started making clean strokes on my back. Tears streamed from my eyes as my back was bleeding from the not-too-deep wounds but I didn't make any noise. This was the only way I knew to cope with my demons. This reminded of my childhood. Being hurt was what I was born for and I didn’t know how to live without it. The things Levi heichou told me triggered every emotions all at once. I wanted to kill him for denying the fact that I faced all those things that no one should face. I wanted to get rid of the whole squad for being so damn noisy and getting in my personal space. I needed the pain to calm down. "It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts..." my mind kept muttering like it did every day back in the underground. "I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive..." my mind consoled me with every stroke of the blade. This helped me keep my sanity back in the underground. As long as I was alive and I felt the pain, I would be alright.
"Ugh these disgusting food will give me constipation like Levi Heichou. No wonder he looks like someone slapped him all the time" I heard Petra's voice and before I could do anything, the door of the bathroom opened and Petra saw me. She looked petrified to see me naked, crying and bloody and she lunged at me, trying to take the blade from me but I kicked her in the stomach and pushed her out of the bathroom and locked the door. "Damn it, I shouldn't have forgotten to lock" I thought. Petra called at me a while after I asked her to mind her own business and then she left the room. By then I bandaged my back as usual and was cleaning the blood off the washroom when I heard a loud banging of the door and Corporal Levi's voice saying "Open the damn door brat!". I hid the blade and got dressed quickly and opened the door. " Petra told me that you were cutting yourself. Is that true?" he asked firmly. "Yes but it's not her damn business to poke her nose into everything I do" I replied with a cold glare at Petra which made her flinch. "What's your name Cadet?" Levi heichou asked with pure anger in his eyes. "(Y/N) (L/N) Sir." I replied with a calm voice. "And where are you from?" he asked with the same expression. "From Shiganshina District Sir." I replied. Some sort of realization spreaded across his eyes.
He turned to Petra and surprisingly, he only asked her to give me some antiseptic cream before he left. Petra did what he asked but kept giving me a sympathetic look. "Petra, stop with that pitying look that you're giving me. I don't need it" I told her while we were making lunch together. "I'm sorry." she replied but didn't stop with the sympathetic looks. I decided to let it slide. I didn't talk much at lunch except for when Eld asked me about my graduation results. They were mostly busy talking to themselves about how I beat Levi heichou until Levi heichou himself arrived shutting all of their mouths. After lunch, Oluo and Gunther were doing the dishes and I took a new book from my bag and went near the pond behind the castle to read it. The stairs of the bank was clean. Levi heichou probably made Eren clean it. "I see you're into reading too" I heard Levi heichou's voice. I stood up and saluted. He nodded and sat on the stairs too. "You can sit cadet" he said in his monotone voice. I sat at my place glad that he kept a good distance from me.
"Are you the girl who killed that Garrison soldier? " heichou asked without looking at me. "Yes sir." I replied calmly. I should've expected this to come up. "I read that book. It's a good one" he said, again with his usual monotone voice but that sentence made me blush. Levi heichou reads romance books with machoism in it? "You probably would like the book more as it is from a girl's point of view. After all, you do seem to cut yourself" he said. "It's not like that, heichou. I suppose cutting myself reminds me that I'm alive and I can make everything right. I feel like this book portrays it well because as long as you feel pain, you can still hope to feel happiness someday. When you stop feeling pain, you're either dead or too numb to feel anything. I honestly would like to keep feeling because when someone is numbed, all that's left for them is to die." I answered.
"I've heard something similar to that. About having no regrets. I suppose you can only have regrets when you're numb as you wouldn't have anything to live for. So, I guess that makes sense." he replied. "Heichou, please don't mind me asking, but, why are you alive?" my mouth blurted out. "Well, honestly, I don't know. Probably because humanity needs me and I probably am making a difference? I don't know really." he answered vaguely. "So, is it pride that's keeping you alive?" I asked him. "No. It's not. You could say, I'm alive because if I can make a contribution to eradicate the titans, I will feel worthy of having a normal life." he answered. It was strange that he talked to me so freely. Is it because I gained his respect by that fight? "So, you want to make things right for yourself and the feeling of worth is what makes you remember that you are alive and well enough to do that." I stated. "Yes. That's it." he replied. With that he started reading another book. After a while I was ensured that he won't make anymore conversation and so I got immersed into my own book.
A week later
Levi heichou decided to train me personally after my first day at his squad. He told me that I had potential but I wasn't doing things right and just agility won't get me anywhere. Thus, I needed to build my strength. Yesterday, Levi heichou found me cleaning the stables as he ordered me to do so after I spilled a cup of tea on him and apparantly my cleaning was close to flawless which is why, I was excused from every other cleaning duties and was assigned with cleaning his office daily. "I take back everything I said about you getting out of work, (Y/N). You just got handed a death sentence." Eren told me last night at dinner time. "Just don't argue with him when he shouts at you. Answer with 'yes heichou' only." Petra chimed in. "You'll get kicked out of the squad now for sure" Oluo snorted while the others merely gave me pityful looks. "I don't know... It didn't seem too bad when he criticized the way I cleaned the stable... Heichou even helped out to clean the spots I missed." I answered, confused with their statements. "Huh? Levi Heichou shouted at me to clean the stable again during my first time... And he made me do it three times..." Eren answered, quite surprised. "You must be really good at it then..." Petra muttered, sounding quite jealous for some reason. "I suppose I am..." I muttered, eating a spoonful of stew, remembering all the practice I had of cleaning.
I knocked on the door to Levi heichou's office to hear his monotoned voice shout out, "state your name and business.". " It's Cadet (L/N). I'm here for cleaning duties." I told him before he answered me with a "come in". I entered his office with a bucket full of water in one hand, a mop, a broom, a brush and a soap in another, and a dish cloth on my shoulder. Heichou was right, I need to work on building my strength because I felt like my hand was getting torn off by the weight of the huge filled bucket. The buckets in this place were too big to be honest. "You look like you're about to die. Aren't you practicing the exercises that I taught you the other day?" Heichou asked me with an irritated voice as he approached me and snatched the bucket from my hand and placed it infront of a window. I didn't get any time to practice those exercises because...well, I was slacking off due to all the new books in my room. "Sorry, Heichou. I will pay more attention to training from now on." I answered, with a speck of guilt in my voice since I didn't join the military to slack off. Heichou didn't reply to that and went back to his desk to continue his paperworks.
I started with cleaning the window, using the brush and soap to clean the windowsill. It didn't take too long as the place was pretty clean. Then I moved on to the furnitures, using water from the bucket to get the dirt off. I cleaned all the furnitures in silence except the desk, as I thought that disturbing Levi heichou wasn't a good idea. Then I used the brush to start scrubbing the floor. Just like I used to do back in the underground. "People usually start with the mop but I prefer what you're doing." I heard heichou comment. "Thank you." I replied and continued scrubbing. "Where did you learn to clean?" he asked me after a few moments. The question made me pause everything that I was doing momentarily but I collected myself almost immediately and answered, "Back in the underground." "I see. Seems like people from the underground are better at cleaning than the ones up here. Talk about irony." Heichou scoffed. "I believe that they don't have that need to clean because they take the cleanliness for granted." I replied, not taking my concentration off from scrubbing. "You're right." Heichou answered.
After a few more moments, I heard him say, "Back when I was a kid, I had the fortune to spend a whole day in a room with a corpse in it. It started to smell at the end and I decided that I would not tolerate filth ever again because it reminds me of rotting corpses.". Did he just share a childhood experience with me? Why would he do that? Is it because we both have similar backgrounds? These thoughts filled my head for a moment before I remembered that I never talked about my childhood with anyone. I never did it because I didn't expect anyone to understand. I assumed that they would think I'm a freak. Is that how Levi heichou felt too? If that's the case, maybe letting some burden off my chest by talking to him won't hurt. Ofcourse, I wouldn't tell him everything about myself but a random experience won't hurt.
"How much do you know about me?" I asked him. He seemed to be surprised by the question. "You were rescued from a brothel in the underground and you killed a guy from the garrison. Why do you ask?" he asked me. "Well, when I was a kid, I was locked into this room by the pimp. It had this small window on top of the wall that I couldn't reach. Almost no light came out of that window and I used to sit on that speck of light as I was scared of the darkness. So, the pimp came in that room with a lamp every day to clean up the mess and I used to take as much time as possible to clean cause I wanted the light to stay there for as long as possible. I guess, that's what gave me my habbit to clean. Oh, and about that question, I asked it to determine how much I can tell you." I answered, not looking up from the floor. "You used to live at a brothel? I didn't know... I'm sorry about that. I grew up in a brothel too." Heichou told me, his eyes showing that he understood me.
However, he didn't understand. No one here could. "I'm sorry too. Because you had to go through that. Being around a corpse doesn't feel good." I answered quietly. Thus, with that, a friendly relationship with heichou began, as we would talk every day when I came to clean his room, each time finding out that we understood eachother more than anyone else ever could.
To be continued
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