#coincindence or depression?

[chicagoxpunk]

I was just about to burst into tears for no reason so I ran to the bathroom.

Just started my period

[maveirn]

Just found out that there is this thing called gynecomastia where there is a non-cancerous growth in male breast tissue. It is usually associated with benign puberty changes. It usually occurs between 10-12 and disappears within two or so years. I hit puberty a bit later than my peers, I believe it started when I was around 13 or 14 and the noticeable, significant changes didn’t start until I was 15. Things like hair growth on the body and a sex drive. Now... I’m dealing with some serious anger right now. Like, the kind of latent simmering anger that just creates an energy in you. I’m not exploding or boiling because lets face it, its the internet. It doesn’t tell me shit. But, I’m starting to realize that I never learned to talk about my medical worries. My mother was always in the doctor’s office with me and she would drive the conversation between the things happening to me at home with the doctor. Now, when my chest began to swell up my mother and the doctor already had a conversation where they discussed my late-onset puberty (not sure if its a real thing or not, just using medical language to give you an idea of what was going on). So when my chest began to grow it was coincided from weight gain that, looking back, was a very obvious indicator of regular major depression (symptoms of depression that last for 2 or more weeks)...

*NOTE: Despite the fact that I struggled with anxiety and depression for nearly 3-4 years of my life I DO NOT want to call my depression during that time chronic because I believe that to label it as so would require “in-the-moment” study and analysis from a healthcare professional and me looking back on it is not enough.

So yeah, with my chest growth coincinding with the weight gain and the understood nature of my late-puberty-ness the doctor determined it completely natural. He theorized that it is either totally normal for a boy going through puberty to have his chest grow (a la gynecomastia) or my weight gain just increased the size of my chest. Despite this, I noticed that many men when they get fat and have their breast size increase their breasts tend to sag. Mine did not do that, mine stayed perky and I coded that as feminine. Now when I, a boy, codes his body as “feminine” he starts to question his identity. I knew there were issues wherein a boy “goes through puberty wrong” and prodcues estrogen rather than testosterone or any other issue with my endorphin that would result in not enough testosterone and more than usual estrogen. I kept these things very quiet and never discussed them because my helicopter of a mother was always in the examination room with me. 

So why am I blogging about this? Why am I angry? Why am I so, fucking, all over the place with this? Its so unreadable! Well... the Wikipedia page for Gynecomastia states that gynecomastia can last for somebody’s entire life! So now, as I sit here 22 with the exact same fucking breasts I’ve had since High School, I realize that my doctor did not do his due diligence to explain to me what was going on with me medically. He, and my mother, decided to focus on my rising weight. When he gave directions for whatever changes I needed to make, he made them to my mother more than he did so to me. “He needs to …” rather than “You need to …” So now, after 4 years of not seeing a doctor, I am realizing that I don’t know what conversation I need to have. I don’t know if I want or need plastic surgery to remove this stuff. I don’t know what I need. I don’t fucking know. And that pisses me off.

I COULD HAVE AVOIDED SO MUCH SHIT! SO MUCH DEPRESSION! SO MUCH ANGER! AND QUESTIONING! AND PSYCHOLOGICAL TROUBLE! AND INTIMACY ISSUES! AND FUCKING EVERY GODDAMN FUCKING THING WRONG WITH ME! IF HE JUST SENT MY - FUCKING MOTHER - OUT OF THE ROOM TO DISCUSS MY ISSUES! TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND IT! GOD - FUCKING - DAMMIT!

Instead of it being natural it could be caused by an issue with my fucking hormones and it could NOT BE NATURAL! IT COULD BE A MEDICAL PROBLEM! THAT I’VE BEEN AVOIDING FOR YEARS! I might have body dysmorphia because of this shit. I might have an eating disorder because of this shit. I might be fat because of this shit. I might have had issues with gay people because of this shit. So many of my problems I can trace back to me getting fat and getting breasts. Holy fuck...

[naturalwellnessjourney]

🎓Great discussion about Glyphosate!! (made by the same folks as DDT and agent orange) 📈When you compare the increase in cancer with the increase in glyphosate use, it shows a very similar climb on the graph.... ❌Coincindence? Not according to scientists and the judicial system..... ‼️Let the lawsuits roll..... ⚠️Billions already awarded to cancer victims and yet this product is still being sold!! ⛓The highest used pesticide in the USA!!! 🧬WANNA DIVE EVEN DEEPER? Look up BT corn... 🧪So, you can't patent food, right?! 📣Monsanto (aka Bayer) found a way around that!! 💰They patent the GMO seeds, AND provide the spray that was made for these mutant seeds... 💡Why does the FDA allow this?!?! 💲Well, look who has their hand in the cookie jar.... it's all about the DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL Y'ALL... 👩‍🌾I'm glad this ORGANIC revolution has begun! Keep doing conventional things...... you'll keep getting conventional problems 🤷‍♀️ 💯Linked to: chronic inflammatory conditions which can cause and DNA damage 💥For example, ulcerative colitis and Crohn disease have increased risks of colon cancer. 💣According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI), some of the many (too many to list here) side effects of glyphosate found are: 🗣Disruption of gut bacteria leads to: ➡️Kidney failure ➡️Inflammation ⚠️Autoimmune thyroid disease 🧠Neurodegenerative disease 💔Heart disease 🧬DNA damage/cancer 🩸Anemia 🦴Osteoporosis, ☠Teratogenesis ☠Gallbladder disease, pancreatitis Liver disease, macrocytic anemia, kidney failure ❣Venous thrombosis ����depression, nausea, diarrhea.... #healthyliving #detoxglyphosate #glyphosate #healing #organicfood #health #cancer #glutensensitivity #celiacdisease #ibs #ibd #dementia #thyroid https://www.instagram.com/p/CDlrF-Wsvz0/?igshid=otu3ilu2q8f2

[blue-disorder]

this year i've really opened, uderstood the responsibility i take, found my place in my small society. Found good people around me and started to surround myself with them. I fell in love and despite the fact that we're both unbelievably awkward and i cry a lot from time to time cause i'm an awkward piece of shit, that's the best thing that happened to me within the last few months. I saw so many amazing gigs, became confident enough to talk to my favourite bands. Started taking photography seriously. I haven't figured out what should my future be about but i'm sure that if i keep do what i'm doing everything's going to be alright. I don't remember when was the last time i would be able to call myself 'happy'. Since i've been conscious i've never considered any of the passing years 'good'. Many of them was filled with depression and angst. I don't believe in god, but i'd like to, i'd like to have someone to thank for everything. I don't believe in coincindence either and i don't know if i should live all the glory on my beloved friends&myself. I've got a lot of time to work it out. It's easier to get things done without apathy.

I'm glad to be alive