#coming from someone who was on birth control and had to take daily pills. it was ass

[thatsmzbitchtoyou]

My Alpha

This is kind of a long one shot (5619 words!), but I thought I'd try my hand at the ABO!/Omegaverse. Hope you like it!

Being an omega wasn’t always a bad thing.  At least that’s what she told herself repeatedly as she religiously took hormone blocking birth control pills and wore scent blockers on the daily.  Y/N hadn’t had a heat in years and wasn’t planning on letting up any time soon.  She had started working as a personal assistant for the Avengers under Tony Stark years before, going through the Sokovia Accords debacle, surviving the Blip, losing Natasha, Tony, Steve, T'Challa, and all the other strange and traumatic things that happened during her tenure.  She had denied her biology to get this job, not wanting it to affect her performance or be a target while being surrounded by literal super Alphas in this field.  And as hard as the job was, she loved it.

One of the greatest highlights was gaining Bucky Barnes as a friend.  While other Alphas she had come across were domineering, he was compassionate and kind.  He very rarely lost his composure like others did during high pressure situations in missions, and never fought over who was in charge.  He was incredibly careful to make sure everyone around him felt comfortable in his presence.  After finally shaking the Winter Soldier programming he didn’t want to ever lose control of himself again, and with the super soldier serum messing with his hormones to the extent that he was nearly feral during ruts, he would isolate himself away to keep her and others safe.  

Y/N felt like she could talk to him about anything, and he felt the same.  She was his sanctuary after rough missions, one of the few people that could break him out of a deep depressive state or the nightmares that still plagued him.  He knew she was an Omega but could barely smell her because of her blockers, which he both loved and hated.  Loved because it made it so they could be friends without the weird biological dynamics getting in the way, and hated because he was super curious about what her scent was.  They had fallen for each other long ago, but were both too afraid to do anything about it.

As they both relaxed during a rare weekend off they got on the topic of Omega versus Alpha traits.  “I get it, Alphas can be rough, but don’t you want to mate someday?  Find someone special to settle down with?  Maybe have a family?”

She sighed.  “Of course I do, Buck.”

“Then what are you afraid of?” he asked gently.

“Not having a clear choice,” she answered simply, giving him a sharp look.  “I don’t want my biology to decide my fate.  So many Omegas get stuck being mated with bad Alphas because their heats were uncontrollable and the Alpha wouldn’t take no for an answer.  I know that I’m predestined to be a nurturer.  Hell, that’s what my job is now, taking care of all of you guys!  But I should get to choose who I end up with based on love, not by body’s reactions.” Bucky nodded in understanding, looking down at his intertwined hands.  “Do you want to settle down someday?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.  “I just don’t know how it would work out.  This job…my past.  It all points towards disaster at any given time.”

She slid over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders awkwardly as she sat next to him.  “You deserve a happy ever after, Bucky.”

“You do, too, you know,” he reminded her, resting his head on top of hers.

“Mmh, maybe someday,” she said wistfully as she undid her embrace and leaned back against the couch.

“So, anyways,” he cleared his throat.  “Is it true that Omegas have a better sense of smell than Alphas or Betas?  Like you can pick up on others’ scents and identify them really well?”

She laughed.  “Yes, it’s true.”

“Really?  Okay, what does…” he scanned the room as other Avengers milled in and out.  “Peter.  What does Spidey smell like?” He tested her, watching her expectantly.

She took a look at Peter across the room, her nose slightly flaring as she took in a whiff from his direction.  “He always smells like fresh bagels to me.  You know the smell of just-baked bread?  Kinda like that.  Mixed with a little bit of hazelnut.”

Bucky looked at her in awe.  “Yeah I kinda get that off of him.  Alphas can smell and track scents but not to that level.”

“Hm, that’s interesting,” she said as her eyebrows furrowed.  

“Now how about Sam?” he asked excitedly, hoping it would be something not so pleasant he could tease him about.

“Ha, Sam is Cajun seasoning with a sweet lemony undertone.  Like really well done seafood,” she answered quickly with a smile on her face, knowing Bucky would be disappointed in that answer.

Bucky frowned as he thought about who to ask of next.  “Okay, how about…Steve?” He knew it was a long shot.  Steve had been gone for a few years now, so she probably wouldn’t remember.  But she gave him a soft smile.

“Steve was smoky, like fireworks.  A summer night that ends with warm apple crisp and melting vanilla ice cream on top,” she said as she stared out the window, a dazed look in her eyes as she remembered him.

“Wow…” Bucky whispered.  “I always got the fireworks, and something like a picnic.  But now that you say it, yeah, apple with vanilla.”

“Yep, he was truly all American,” she winked at him.

He laughed as he turned towards her on the couch.  “How about, um…me?”

She gazed at him, her expression softening as her nose flared again and she huffed out the breath she’d taken.  “Smoky, like Steve, but different.”

“Like gunpowder?” he asked suddenly, his eyes searching hers.  He had been told that before and was hoping they were wrong.

“No, not gunpowder.  More like…” she sniffed again but frowned.  “Do you mind if I…?” she gestured her finger from herself to him.

“Yeah, go ahead,” he said, opening himself up for her to scoot closer to him.  She leaned in towards his neck, the best place to scent someone, and breathed in a slow sniff of him.  She closed her eyes.

“Campfire.  A campfire on the beach.  And the smell of the ocean after it rains,” she said resolutely, opening her eyes to look at him.  Their faces were close as he stared at her.  “But no, not gunpowder,” she reassured him.

“That’s good,” he breathed, his eyes shifting from her eyes down to her lips and back.

Her eyes suddenly widened, her brow furrowing and she pulled herself away quickly.  “I, um…I need to go…excuse me,” she said hurriedly before she jumped off the couch and power-walked down the hall towards her room.

“Wait, Y/N, are you okay?” Bucky stood from the couch as he watched her leave.

“Yeah!  I’ll talk to you later!” she yelled back without looking, her voice sounded strained.

“What the hell?” he asked himself quietly, looking around him like something had jumped out and spooked her.

Once she was out of sight she ran to her room and had Friday bolt the door.  She doubled over in pain and clutched her stomach.  “No way,” she moaned as she reached for her phone and called for help.

“Hey you, how are ya?” Bruce asked when he answered the call.

“Bruce,” her voice was pained as she held in another moan.  “I need help, something’s wrong.”

“What?  What’s going on?” he sounded worried, the rustling of papers and beeping from a screen by him going off.

“It feels…like a heat?  But that’s not possible, right?  We made sure of it,” she grunted as another cramp shot through her abdomen, and just as suddenly as it all started, it suddenly stopped, leaving her gasping.  “Wait, now it stopped?  What the hell is happening?”

“Come down to the lab, right now.  We’ll get you tested.”

She didn’t need to be told twice as she hung up and crept out of her room towards the elevator.  She was able to get in and down to the lab a few floors away without being caught by Bucky or anybody else.  She ran into the lab in a panic.  Bruce was already setting up the medical bay in the back with everything needed to do a check-up, some vials next to the other instruments.

“Hey, let’s take some blood and see what’s going on,” he called out to her when he heard the doors slide open.  She jogged to the bed and hopped up on it, taking off her cardigan so he could access the veins in her arm better.  After a quick routine check up he took a few vials of her blood then stepped out towards all the equipment he had for medical and scientific tests.  

He worked silently as she sat there deep in thought.  It can’t be, she tried to reassure herself.  I’ve been so careful.  Not missed a single pill ever.  This can’t be happening.  After about an hour Bruce came back with a screen in his hand, his eyebrows hung low over his eyes and a frown on his face.

“Y/N, it’s…it’s not working anymore,” he said softly, his eyes sad and confused as he looked at her.

“What do you mean?” she asked hesitantly, her eyes widening.

“The hormone blockers, the pills…your body isn’t responding to them anymore.  Your hormones are syncing back to normal Omega levels.  Your heats are going to come back.”

“No, no no no no no…NO Bruce!  I can’t.  Please, there’s gotta be another pill to try, a shot, an implant, something?  Anything, please?” she began to cry.  

“I’m sorry Y/N.  We already got you the best blockers that are available out there.  If your body is weaning off of them it means your biology is taking over, probably because you’re getting older and it’s fighting back to have a chance at mating.  I’m so sorry,” he showed her the hormone levels on a chart on the screen, pointing out the differences and then setting it down.  “There’s nothing I can do.  Nothing you can do but prepare yourself for it to start again.  And your first one is probably going to be brutal after avoiding them for so long.  You’ll need help–”

“NO!  No, I can’t do this.  I can’t ask some random Alpha for help.  This isn’t fair!” she cried harder, hiding her face in her hands.  Bruce patted her on the back, trying to help ease her pain by giving off a calming scent.  He was also an Omega and knew how much this meant to her.  

“It will be alright, Y/N.  You have friends here who will help you without making it awkward between you and them, or won’t immediately try mating with you during your heat.  They’re good Alphas.  They won’t hurt you or take advantage of you,” he promised.

She tried to calm the loud beating of her heart that was wringing in her ears, a panic attack trying to settle deep in her bones that she was fighting back.  “How long do I have until it comes?” she sighed as she sniffled.

“I don’t know, I’m sorry.  With it being so long since you last had one it could be next week or it could be in a couple of months,” he answered gravely.

“Ugh, great,” she laughed as she wiped her tears away.  “No choice, whatsoever.  My body ultimately got to decide for me after all.  Wonderful,” she spat as she jumped down off the bed.  “Thank you, Bruce, for testing.  I just…I need to go sleep this off, I don’t know,” she said, giving him a quick hug and then leaving the lab.  

She took the elevator back up to her floor, her eyes stinging from the hot tears still slowly falling down.  Her heat was coming back, and with a vengeance.  She would need help.  Who would she ask?  Any of the unmated superhero Alphas would probably say yes, though she knew she only wanted one.  But how could she ask this of him?  And if he did help, how could she go on with their friendship as if nothing had happened between them afterwards?

The elevator opened and she trudged into the common room.  The floor was already dark as twilight set in and everyone had split off to their rooms.  She slipped into the kitchen since she missed dinner while down in the lab to grab something to eat, although she wasn’t particularly hungry.  As she made herself a sandwich she turned to grab a knife then saw a figure in the corner at the dining table.

“Jesus!  Fuck, Bucky you scared me,” she gasped, holding a hand over her heart.

“Sorry, honey,” he grunted as he sat watching her.  “Why are you crying?”

She stiffened as she looked at him, trying to act nonchalant as she grabbed the knife and turned back to her sandwich.  “I’m not, I’m just tired,” she waved him off, quickly cutting the sandwich and putting the ingredients and dishes away to escape.

“Don’t lie to me Y/N.  What’s wrong?” he stood, walking towards her.  She reached for the refrigerator door to get a drink, which he quickly shut and stared her down.  She wouldn’t look him in the eye.

“Come on Buck, I just need a drink,” she complained as she tried to open the door again, reaching for the handle.  Bucky grabbed her wrist firmly and leaned in towards her.

“What’s wrong Y/N?  You ran away earlier and now you smell…off,” he said, searching her eyes as his nose flared at the scent she was radiating.  His frown deepened and his eyes looked worried.  “Why are you afraid?  Was it me?  Did I do something wrong?”

“No!  Oh no, Bucky, it’s not you,” she said, her eyes widening.  “It’s me, it’s just…” her eyes welled up with tears again, spilling onto her cheeks as she sucked in a sharp breath.  “It’s me,” she sobbed, leaning forward til her forehead rested against his chest.

“Oh honey,” Bucky sighed.  He put his hands under her armpits and lifted her onto the counter so she was eye level with him.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and hid her face in his shoulder, crying harder as he enveloped her, his hands rubbing up and down her back as he whispered reassuring words to her.  They sat holding each other for a while, Bucky letting her cry it out and Y/N relishing the comfort.  As her cries died down and her grip loosened around his neck he pulled back.

“Tell me what’s wrong, please?  You’re breaking an old man’s heart,” he pleaded, hating to see her hurting so much.

Y/N chuckled at him calling himself an old man as she wiped her nose with her sleeve.  Bucky held her face in his hands and wiped her tears away with his thumbs.  She let herself enjoy his touch before she sniffled and finally looked up at him.

“When I was talking to you earlier, I felt this weird pain,” she explained quietly.  Bucky nodded, listening intently as he held her face still.  “That’s why I ran out.  I went to Bruce’s lab to test me because it felt like…like a heat,” she sniffled again, looking down at her lap.  Bucky nodded again, his hands releasing her face and reaching for her hands to hold.  “I haven’t had one in years.”  This surprised him.  He knew there were new ways of birth control for Omegas now, giving them a lot more options than to just mate and reproduce and take care of their Alphas and pups like the old days, which he thought was great.  He just didn’t realize it could be for so long.  “And now, apparently, the hormone blockers aren’t working anymore,” she gripped his fingers tightly.  “My body is rejecting them, weaning off of them and reverting back to normal hormone levels.  My heat is coming,” she sucked in another sharp breath.  “I don’t know when, but he said it’s going to be brutal since I’ve been avoiding them for so long.  He said I’ll need help and…and I don’t know what to do.”  Her voice shook as she looked up at him again.  “I’m scared,” she whispered.

Bucky could feel her panic and gave off what he hoped was a calming scent.  It seemed to help as her eyes fluttered shut and her shoulders visibly relaxed.  The Alpha in him hummed in satisfaction as he swept his thumbs over her knuckles.  “You don’t need to be scared, Y/N.  It’s going to be okay,” he tried to placate her.  “Listen, I know earlier you said you wanted a choice, and now your body’s not giving you one.”  She nodded, a few more tears slipping out the sides of her eyes.  “I…I can help you,” he said, gulping back the lump in his throat.  Her eyes snapped up to him, a look of shock on her face.  “I know that I’m offering something kinda crazy.  But I promise you I won’t hurt you, I won’t make you court me if you don’t want to, and I won’t forcibly mate with you.”  He looked her deep in her eyes to try to get her to understand.  “But I’d be honored to help you.”

Y/N couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing.  She had wanted to ask him and now he was offering himself for her to get through this first heat.  She licked her lips and contemplated it.  “I just don’t want it to ruin our friendship,” she sniffed again, her eyes searching his face for hesitation.

“It won’t,” he said earnestly.  

“...Okay,” she agreed.  

Bucky smiled as he squeezed her fingers.  “Okay.”

“Thank you, Bucky.  You’re a good Alpha,” she thanked him, lifting his hands up and kissing his knuckles.

His eyes fluttered shut and he cleared his throat.  “You should probably not call me that, at least not right now.”

Her eyes widened.  “Oh!  God, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean–”

“It’s okay, honey, it’s fine,” he chuckled.  “Whenever it hits you, just call me, and I’ll be there.”

She gave him a warm smile in appreciation.  They were playing with fire, and they both knew it deep down, but were denying it heavily.

***

Y/N could feel her hormones changing her body and mind.  Bruce had advised against wearing scent blockers as well to help her body fully adjust and hopefully not cause as much pain during her upcoming heat, and that was the first thing she noticed.  The Alphas around her, who would normally just give her a friendly greeting or a smile, now watched her hungrily through narrow eyes, giving tight smiles as their noses flared as she passed by.  It made her self-conscious enough to ask Bucky one day, “Do I smell bad?”

Bucky looked away from the book he was reading as she plopped next to him on the couch in the common room again, lifting her feet up to rest on his lap.  She was touching him a lot more lately.  “What do you mean?”

“Do I smell bad?  Omegas can’t really smell themselves very well, and since I took off the scent blockers I’ve been…watched,” she looked around the room warily.  Bucky’s eyes swept across the other Alphas in the room, noting how they were all giving off territorial scents as they tracked her.  He sat up straight, facing each one until they caught his eye and gave off a warning rumble deep in his chest, his eyes flashing dangerously.  They each quickly retreated, shamefully turning back towards their previous tasks.  The air around Y/N seemed to lift and she felt like she could breathe again.  “Thank you, Bucky.”

He sat back on the couch, grabbing his book with one hand and mindlessly rubbing her feet with the other.  “No need to thank me, honey.  And no, you don’t smell bad.  You smell like chai.”

“Chai?” Y/N scoffed.

“Yeah, chai with…” he reached a hand out and grabbed her wrist, bringing it up to his nose and inhaling deeply.  Her eyes widened comically at his brashness in scenting her so publicly.  “Pumpkin.  Chai and pumpkin.  Like Autumn,” he concluded, setting her wrist down and then rubbing her feet again.  He said it so casually that she just stared at him dumbfounded.  

It got worse as the weeks went on.  Her emotions were haywire, one minute she was calm and cool and the next she was agitated and easily crying at anything.  She was nesting anxiously, rearranging her room and her desk in her office, constantly carrying around a large fuzzy cardigan or blanket with her.  Her joints were sore, especially in her hips.  She found herself eating all the time.  Bruce had her come down to the lab each week to check her levels, each time warning her it could happen any day now.  

A month and a half later on a Friday night the team got together for a movie night.  They decided on watching the first Avatar, a movie Bucky hadn’t yet seen.  As it played Y/N kept fidgeting next to him, adjusting her sitting position, wringing her hands in her lap, taking deep breaths periodically.  A scene began of two of the characters connecting in a tree garden and Sam yelled out, “Alien tree sex!”  Everyone laughed but Y/N bolted out of the room.  Bucky watched her run down to her room and shut her door.

He quietly got up and followed her.  He could tell just by her scent changing these last few weeks and how it was getting stronger, the chai smell getting spicier, that her heat was fast approaching.  She had been very touchy with him, following him around and staying close whenever they were in the same room.  He had no claim to her, but it was evident to everyone to stay away from her, otherwise they’d get a growl from him.  He was growing more excited by the day, trying to remind himself that he was just helping out a friend, not staking any claim or bond.  

When he reached her door he pressed his ear against it, listening for her.  He heard her heart rate picking up and her breathing became labored.  He could also smell her, more potent, spicy, the scent of unmated Omega making his hormones sing and call out for her.  A deep rumble emitted from his chest as he felt his cock hardening.  He knocked on her door.

“Y/N,” he called out, just loud enough for her to hear.  A soft moan came from the other side.  His eyelids shut tight at the sound.  It was time.  “I’m coming in,” he warned before opening the door.  He stepped inside and was hit with the scent full force, making his eyes and mouth water simultaneously.  Y/N was laying in the nest she built on her bed in the fetal position, one hand on her stomach and the other in between her legs, not yet touching herself but keeping pressure against her core.  “Honey…” he groaned as he locked the door behind himself and walked towards the bed.

“Alpha,” she breathed, her brow furrowed and eyes shut tight.  A cramp wracked through her whole body and she yelped in pain.  “It’s starting.  It hurts…hurts so bad,” she cried as she could feel a small gush of slick pour from her pussy as her body recognized the Alpha in the room.

“It’s gonna be okay, honey, I’m here,” he cooed at her, reaching his hand out and running his fingers along her leg from her ankle to her thigh.  “Let’s get you out of these, huh?” he said while lifting the hem of her shorts up slightly.  She nodded and blindly started pulling at her clothes.  Bucky helped her strip out of her layers then undressed himself, giving her naked body an appreciative glance.  He lay behind her on the bed, cocooning her in his arms and leaning his head into the crook of her neck and scenting her.  He could feel himself getting drunk off of her heat.  She was sending him into an early rut as his hips rocked against her ass slowly.  Y/N keened at that, her back arching and pushing her ass into his crotch further.  He moaned at the sensation, his arms tightening around her.  “Shh, Omega.  I got you,” he said as his voice dropped further, the Alpha coming through more prominently now.

“Bucky…” she sighed, her hands gripping his arms around her.  “Please…Alpha please,” she begged, her legs shaking as another cramp hit her.

Bucky moaned at the sound of his name said that way coming from her lips.  He started to lick and suck and kiss at the scent gland on her throat, making her gasp loudly.  His scent mixed with hers, and they quickly got lost in each other.  His hands found her breasts and massaged them firmly, his fingers tweaking her nipples and making her hips buck back into him again.  He twisted her body around to face him.  She quickly molded herself back to him, hiking her leg up and over his hip, her hands scratching down his chest.  He tried to remind himself one last time that this was just a friend helping a friend.  Then she kissed him.

The kiss broke the dam of hesitancy he was holding to desperately.  He quickly responded, his mouth opening and their tongues tangling as they tasted each other.  Bucky climbed on top of her, his knees forcing hers apart.  His fingers probed her lower lips, finding her clit and giving it all his attention.  Y/N’s hips writhed as he riled her up.  She watched his fingers dip into her, making her breath stutter.  She was already dripping for him so he plunged two fingers into her, thrusting them in and out while his thumb rubbed and flicked her clit.  

“Fuck Alpha,” she groaned.  “Just like that, shit!”

Bucky smiled as she cursed, her legs shaking against his.  She reached down and took his cock in her hand, giving him lazy pumps as he got her closer to her release.  He huffed a sharp breath.  “Damn, honey, oooh that’s good,” he said lowly.  “Give it to me, love, come on, you can do it.  Be such a good Omega for me,” he encouraged her as he curled his fingers as deep as he could reach.  

The tension in her core finally snapped, her first orgasm ripping through her at lightning speed, squirting slick all over his hand and his hips.  She let out a guttural moan, the sound reverberating through the air, making the Alpha inside of him scream to claim her.  He had to physically restrain himself as he pulled his fingers out of her.  She smiled as she watched him with hooded eyes.  He put his wet fingers in his mouth and licked them clean of her slick, his eyes rolling back at the taste.

“Alpha please, I need you.  Bucky, I want your big cock inside me…please!” Y/N begged again.  Normally it would embarrass her to be acting like this, she would have never dreamed of speaking to Bucky this way.  But they were beyond the point of no return.

“Condom first, Omega,” he reminded her in his authoritative voice.  “As much as I’d love to fill you up, I don’t think that’s what you want just yet.”

Y/N pouted, but the first orgasm had helped clear her brain a little bit, and pointed to the nightstand next to the bed.  Bucky quickly reached over and pulled open the top drawer, finding the box and pulling a few of them out.  He unwrapped one and slipped it on himself before settling back between her legs, backing up a little bit.  “Present, please, Omega.”

Y/N twisted herself onto her stomach, lifting her hips high and pressing the side of her face into the bed.  Bucky almost whimpered at the sight of her sweet pussy, seeing the way he had made her drip with slick, the skin softly puckering in anticipation.  “Prettiest pussy I’ve ever seen Y/N, goddamn,” he whispered huskily.  She preened at his praise, her ass raising a little higher.  He gave her ass a quick slap, making her yelp and shiver.  “You ready?” he asked, making sure she was still wanting this.

“Yes, please Alpha, Bucky…please!”

“You’re so sexy when you beg,” he slapped her ass again, then grabbed her hips and aimed himself at her entrance.  He slowly pushed in the tip of his cock, the fat head catching just past her lower lips, making them both groan.  He kept pushing until he was fully seated inside her, letting her adjust to his size.  Y/N was keening again, a high pitched tone ringing through the air.  After a moment she wriggled her hips, silently asking him to thrust.  A deep growl emanated from Bucky’s throat and he pulled back until it was just the tip inside, then snapped his hips back into her hard. 

Y/N was making the sweetest noises he’d ever heard as he pummeled his cock into her.  She whimpered and moaned, making him hook an arm around her hips and lay his stomach across her back, quick huffs of his breath warming her shoulder.  He could feel her walls fluttering around him, making the rhythm of his hips stutter.  “Fuck, honey, you gonna cum?”  She nodded as her moans got louder.  He flipped her back over onto her back so he could watch her release, leaving barely any room between them as he hovered over her.  Her hands wound around the back of his neck, scratching his scalp with her nails.  “Goddammit, do that again,” he heard himself whimpering this time.  She scratched from the top of his head down to his neck and pulled him in for another kiss.

He reached between their bodies and started flicking her clit as he chased his own high.  “Bucky, oh my God,” she squealed against his lips as her back arched and her legs clung to his hips.  “Yes, yes, yes, shit…mark me.”

Bucky didn’t stop thrusting but tensed at her words.  “No, Y/N, you don’t want that.”

“Yes, I do, with you, Bucky,” she gasped.

“Omega,” he warned her, his eyes flashing.  “We can talk about that when I’m not balls deep inside you.”

Y/N tensed at his Alpha command, her legs loosening around him.  “I want you to be my Alpha, my mate.”

“God fucking dammit,” Bucky stopped thrusting and leaned on his elbows above her.  “Y/N, listen to me, you don’t want that.  You said you wanted a clear choice, remember?”  Y/N was silent and wide eyed as she watched him, slightly nodding her head.  “This isn’t a clear choice.  Your first heat in how many years?  It’s your hormones talking, honey.  And believe me, I’d love to mark you, claim you, bond and mate with you.  Stuff you full of me,” he thrust again, making her eyes roll back, “and breed you with my pups.  But we can talk about all that later.  Right now, I’m here to help you through this, because you’re my best friend, and…I’m ridiculously in love with you.”  He finally said it.  “I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine.  But when it’s both of us with clear heads and a clear choice.  Okay?”

Y/N’s eyes were watery as she listened to him.  “You’re in love with me?”

Bucky huffed a laugh, “Is that all you got out of that?”

She shook her head, “No, but it’s the most important thing.  I’m in love with you.”

He smiled wide and leaned down to give a quick kiss to her nose.  “Can I continue now?”

She nodded again, and he gave her another thrust to get her going again.  Her slick started to make squelching noises as he picked up the pace again, his knot starting to catch at her entrance, his hand reaching to her clit again and trailing kisses down her throat to her scent gland, licking and sucking at it again.

“One day, if you’ll have me, I’ll bite this pretty neck,” he moaned in her ear as her fingers dug into his back.  “Make you mine.”

“Yours, all yours, Bucky…Alpha,” Y/N groaned, leaning her head up and scenting him back.  Her soft lips and her tongue against his gland had his eyes rolling in his head again and his fingers gripping her hips harshly.  “That’s right.  Mine.  Mine…mine,” he thrusted harder and faster, angling her hips up to hit deeper.

Y/N screamed his name as she finally came, her hands digging into the flesh between his neck and shoulder, scratching his scent gland and making him see stars as he came with a yell, his knot fully inflating and latching him to her as she nearly squeezed the dear life out of him.  He fell on top of her, and she held him as he calmed down, both of them panting and sweaty.  

A heady scent filled the air, a smell that screamed satisfied mates.  Bucky pulled himself to his side, holding her close so it wouldn’t hurt her to move with him, and covered them with the blankets from her nest.  Y/N was delirious after this first round of her heat, her head lolling with exhaustion.  “Rest, Omega.  We’ve still got a few days, and forever after that.”

She smiled sleepily, “Hmmm, my Alpha.”

[jessybarnes]

It Takes Two

Title: It Takes Two

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 2,153

Tags: Smut, angst, fluff, pregnancy, pregnancy kink, plans of moving out, crying, taking pregnancy tests, kissing, fingering (female receiving), oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex, talking about birth control pills, nipple play, explicit language, and I think that’s it.

Written For: @kinktober2022, @buckybarnesbingo, @anyfandomangstbingo, and @badthingshappenbingo

Square(s) Filled: Pregnancy for Kinktober // Can’t Stop The Tears for AFG Angst Bingo // “What have I done?” for Bad Things Happen Bingo // Moving for Bucky Barnes Bingo

Beta(s): None

"What have I done?..." 

You look down at the little pink plus sign darkening on the plastic test, panic coursing through your body. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not now! You’ve been careful. You’re on birth control pills, and you use condoms. Well, most of the time anyway. You think back to the night after he came back from the last long mission and sigh. Yes, you had taken your daily pill, but Bucky hadn't used a condom. 

You swallow thickly before tearing open another package with your teeth. Maybe it’s a false positive? Grabbing the small cup off of the sink, you add four drops to the test and sit down on the closed toilet seat. You bury your head in her hands, rubbing along your temples lightly. A few minutes later you peek at the second test and let another sigh escape your lips. 

"Okay, best two out of three."

About fifteen minutes later you have three pink plus signs staring menacingly back up at you. Realization sets in and tears threaten to fall as your hands shake. 

"Fuck!"

Anger rises in you and with a swipe of your hand, you send the tests flying against the opposite wall. They scatter along the tile floor, your tears flowing freely now and you slide down the wall bringing your knees to your chest. Sobs rack your body as another realization comes to mind and you know what you have to do. 

Bringing a child into James' life would most certainly take time away from his life of keeping the world safe. He’s been a hero for years, and you aren’t about to take that away from him. Sure you love him and want to be with him for the rest of your life, but now isn't the time for him to be a father. 

You stand up and wipe your face, taking a few deep, shaky breaths. No matter how much you love him you know you can't stay. Telling him is off the table because you know he’d want to be by your side for every waking moment of your pregnancy. You know he deserves to know, but he also deserves to be a hero. It’s your love for his happiness that helps you make your final decision. 

Picking the lesser of the two evils, you start gathering your things off the back of the sink. You share a tiny apartment nothing too elaborate, but it’s still in a decent neighborhood. It shelters you and well, it’s your home. Well, it was. 

Your lower lip quiveres as you quickly throw what little clothes and possessions you have into your black suitcase. Once everything is packed you zip it up and stand so you can look around the half-empty room. It looks so bare and lifeless, like a bachelor pad. You don't want to leave, but what choice did you have? Bucky deserves a woman who will be more careful about things like this. Your chest aches at the thought of him being in someone else's arms. The way he touches, kisses, makes love, and all the other little things he does feels reserved only for you. 

You allow yourself to take one last look at the place you've called home for the past four years before walking towards the front door. Your legs feel numb and heavy as you grab your purse digging for your keys. Shaky hands pull them out and you fumble with the keyring trying your best to remove your key to the apartment. You’re just about to lay it on the table when the lock clicks on the door. 

No... no please not now. He can't be home this early...

You can't face him. Can't bear the heartbreak you know you’ll see on his face, but there’s no where for you to go. There’s only one door in and out. Bracing yourelf for the inevitable, you lean your suitcase against the couch and wrap your arms around yourself.  

James doesn't notice you at first. He hangs his keys on the hook by the door and drapes his leather jacket over one of the chairs in the dining area. He toes out of his boots and you admire the happiness in his bright blue eyes for what may be the last time. You drink him in, mentally taking a picture to keep in your memory forever.

"Hey, doll, I'm home! What sounds good for di-"

Bucky stops at the threshold of the living room, his eyes darting between you and the packed suitcase. Anger, confusion, and panic all flash over his face at once as he looks at you for an explanation. 

"Y/N? What's going on? Where are you going?"

He watches you take a shaky breath and sigh. You never look at him and that upsets him the most. That you can't even look him in the eyes. He runs the past few weeks in his mind quickly trying to figure out if he’s done something wrong, but he can't come up with anything. 

"James... I-I..."

He watches a lone tear slide down your cheek.

"I can't stay..."

Bucky furrows his brows and walks toward you. Tucking two fingers under your chin, he raises your head so your looking at him instead of the carpet. His eyes search yours for something, anything to help him understand what’s going on. 

"What do you mean you can't stay? Y/N what's wrong? You can't just leave without talking to me! After everything we've been through..."

You bite your lip and ball your fists trying not to cry. You hate seeing Bucky like this. Especially since this is all your fault. You know he won't let you leave without hearing your reason, and you can't see a way out of it now. Closing your eyes, you swallow the lump in your throat and take a deep breath. 

"It's... it's all my fault, Bucky. I've ruined everything..."

This time when he looks at you all you see is confusion. He smooths his thumbs under your eyes to wipe the loose tears away and shakes his head desperately. 

"Baby, talk to me. What happened? What do you mean you've ruined everything?"

Now you’re starting to get annoyed. It isn't his fault, you know that, but it’s hard to find the words. Anger gets the best of you again as you look up at him. 

"I can't do this anymore! I can't stay knowing that I've ruined every chance you have of keeping the world safe, James! I don't want Steve, Natasha, Fury, or any of the others to see me as the reason for keeping you from missions because I'm pregnant!"

A look of shock spreads over Bucky’s face as he takes a step back. His eyes slowly travel down your small frame and settle on your still flat belly. He hasn't said anything, and it makes your heart break that much more. Hot tears are flowing freely down your cheeks now, making your vision blurry, and you blindly reach for your suitcase again. 

"...That's why I can't stay. I-I can't be the reason for you giving up what you love doing most."

The shock wears off his face when he sees your hand wrap around the handle and he puts his hands firmly on your damp cheeks. 

"Y/N you're what I love most!"

He pulls you flush against him and his eyes begin to shine with unshed tears.

"You and this baby, our baby, will know nothing but love do you hear me? Yes, keeping the people in this world safe is something that I love to do, but don't you think for one second that I won't give it all up for you! Don't ever, EVER, let the thought cross your mind that you carrying our child would be the reason for me retiring from missions."

He places a chaste kiss on your forehead.

"Believe me when I say that I can do both. I can be a dad and an Avenger. Hell, if I can survive a fall from a train and all the brainwashing and torture that Hydra did, then bringing a child into this world shouldn't be a threat at all. Not to mention it takes two to tango, doll."

You drop your suitcase and fling your arms around his neck kissing him hard. Bucky lets out a grunt regaining his balance before returning your kiss with fervor. He runs his hands down your sides making you shiver. You can't get enough of his touch, and right now you need it more than ever. 

"Bucky... please..."

His eyes darken as he lifts you up, your thighs wrapping around his waist. You can feel his clothed cock pressing against your pussy, and it only makes you want him that much more. God, you’re so in love with this man. He saw you at your absolute worst tonight, and he never once showed you anything but love.  

James gently lays you down on the comforter and slowly starts kissing you again. Most of the time you’re both in a hurry to devour each other, but this is a different circumstance. Right now all James wants is to worship every inch of your body. He peppers sweet, open-mouthed kisses along your jawline. You moan softly when he sucks above your pulse point, and arch up so your chest touches his. 

"You’re so beautiful Y/N, and now that I know you’re carrying our baby,” his metal hand moves to rest on top of your stomach, “I can’t wait to see you with a little bump. Gonna look so sexy carrying my baby, sweetheart. It’s gonna be difficult to control myself around you. M'gonna be so hard all the time baby…fuck..."

You tangle your fingers in his brown hair, relishing in the way his mouth feels on your skin. His hands snake under the hem of your shirt and onto your tummy. He kisses just above your belly button and looks up at your through his eyelashes. “You’re gonna make an amazing mother, pretty girl.”

Bucky wraps one arm around your back and sits you up so he can easily rid you of your shirt and bra. His tongue swirls around one of your nipples drawing a moan from your throat. He groans, his cock twitching in his jeans. “These perfect tits gettin’ all full with food for our baby, god, doll you’re gonna be so fucking gorgeous.” 

"Oh, James!... Baby, please... need you!"

He smirks and lays you back down on the soft bedspread, “patience, baby. I’m just gettin’ started. 

He sits up on his knees and hooks his fingers in the hem of your sweatpants removing them and your panties in one swift motion. He marvels at you bare beneath him and it’s the prettiest sight he’s ever seen. Even more so now that your carrying his child. Bucky continues to kiss you lovingly until he’s positioned between your legs. He presses kisses into your inner thighs and pushes one of his metal fingers into your tight, wet heat. 

"Mmmm, I love how needy you get for me, Y/N. Always so responsive for me, sweetheart."

Bucky begins to devour you, his skilled tongue slipping inside your fluttering hole as he rubs your clit slowly with his thumb. Your desperate cries fill the room and it’s music to his ears. He brings you closer and closer to the edge, but he knows it isn’t enough. You always need that last little push to let go. 

"J-James, please!! I-I wanna cum... fuck, baby please!"

He comes up to kiss your lips, his cool, metal fingers sliding inside your pussy with ease. The contrast of temperatures make your eyes roll back and your legs shake. He pumps them faster, curling them to rub that spot that drives you absolutely crazy. 

"C'mon, be a good girl and cum all over my fingers, princess"

He brings his mouth down to yours, kissing you with unbridled passion. You’re panting against his lips, whimpering into his mouth as your nails rake down his back. Bucky bites your lip and suddenly you’re writhing in his arms and he growls against your lips. He fucking loves seeing you come undone like this.

"That's my good girl. God, you’re so fucking gorgeous, Y/N."

James stands up and quickly strips out of his clothes before climbing back onto the bed. He cups your cheek and kisses you tenderly. 

"Bucky, please…make love to me…"

He chuckles and looks deeply into your eyes. “Don’t worry, doll. I’m no where near done with you. Gonna make you cum over and over for me until your begging for me to stop.” He bites his lip and grinds his hard cock against your pussy. 

“You better get used to this, pretty girl, because these next nine months I’m not gonna be able to keep my hands to myself.”

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids,

This is another "menstruation education" post: let's talk about missed periods.

You probably know that a missed period can be a sign of pregnancy (and is in many cases the very first pregnancy sign someone notices). But what if you miss a period and can't possibly be pregnant? And when does a period even count as late/missing?

First things first: Periods usually come once a month (every 21 - 35 days). For some people it's like clockwork ("My cycle is exactly 28 days") but for many people it varies a bit from month to month (“My cycle is around 28 days"). So, if your period sometimes comes 2 or 3 days later than you expected it, that's fully normal!

If 7 days passed since the day you expected it and there is still no sign of it, your period is considered late. Sometimes a late period is literally just late (meaning you’ll still have it, it just comes later than expected), sometimes you skip it completely and don’t have a period at all that month.

If pregnancy is a possible explanation, 7 days after the day you expected your period is also the earliest you can take a pregnancy test. If you take a test earlier, you risk a false negative (meaning the test shows you’re not pregnant, even though you are). As a general rule, pregnancy is always a possible explanation for a missed period if you had sex with a person who has a penis - even if you used birth control (condoms, the pill etc.). There are people who get pregnant despite using birth control, even if the chance is lower. (Side note: If you only had oral sex, don’t worry about pregnancy. You can’t get pregnant from that, even if you swallowed sperm.)

If it's impossible that you are pregnant (because your partner has a vagina or because you haven't had sex), you don't need to secretly worry that you somehow got pregnant from sitting on a public toilet - no judgement here, I've had those thoughts before, too. There are better explanations:

- Did you have your very first period less than two years ago? During the first two years of having a period, it's pretty normal to be late or even miss a few months. Your body is still learning! Your cycles will get more regular and reliable over time.

- Have you been very stressed? Intense stress interrupts the production of the hormone that regulates ovulation and the menstrual cycle. Missing a period during a very stressful time is common. It is, however, a big sign that you need to reduce your stress level and protect your mental health. And it’s okay to reach out to others to ask for help with that!

- Have you been on a diet? Not eating enough (especially in combination with heavy exercise) is another common reason for missed periods. It’s basically your body saying “No, I am too weak right now”. The solution is to stop dieting and take a break from exercising… and if that’s something that sounds scary or impossible to do, this might be a sign of an eating disorder. Please reach out to an eating disorder helpline or to your doctor/therapist.

- Are you sick? Acute illness, like having the flu, can lead to under-eating (for example because your throat hurts too much to eat) and dehydration (for example from throwing up) which can delay your period. If this is the case, your period should return to normal once you’re fully recovered.

- Did your daily schedule change (for example, you started to work night shifts)? Changes in your daily routine can throw off your internal “body clock”, including your cycle.

- Did you recently start a new medication? Missed periods might be a side effect. This is especially common with antidepressants, antipsychotics and thyroid medications. If you think this might be the case, please do not lower the dosage without your doctors approval! Talk to your doctor, they will advise you on what to do.

In most cases, a missed period is no reason for concern. Almost every period-haver will experience a missed period at some point. You usually do not need to see a doctor for a missed period unless:

you suspect an eating disorder as the cause of your missed period

you feel unwell or sick (for example you experience nausea, fever or pain)

you had no period for three months or longer (In this case, the doctor will need to rule out more serious causes like diabetes, PCOS or thyroid disease)

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[kikis-writing-world]

Passing the Test

Summary: Marcus finds a used pregnancy test in the bathroom trash... but it isn’t yours.

Pairing: Marcus Moreno x F!Reader, heavily familiar relationship between teenage Missy and Reader.

Word Count: 2.6k plus ~500 bonus scene

Rating/Warnings: Non-explicit talk of sex (parent/child safe sex discussion,) Pregnancy scares, discussions of having children, mentions of birth control, pills and doctors. Fainting. It’s tame in the sense of content rating, but I know these can be triggering topics to some. Take care of yourselves <3

It was a simple, normal Sunday morning… right up until it wasn’t.

Breakfast was wrapping up. Missy was picking at her plate, slowly finishing up her waffles as her teenage brain woke-up. Marcus had finished quickly, starving after his early morning run. You’d already eaten and were already started on washing up. Marcus dropped his plate off with you at the sink, pressing a kiss to your cheek as he thanked you for breakfast before taking off towards the bathroom to shower.

You didn’t hear the shower turn on as you expected, instead hearing Marcus making his way back down the hall to the kitchen.

“Uh… sweetheart? W-what’s this?” Your brow furrowed as you looked over your shoulder to see what your husband was talking about. His voice was small, almost panicked, and you didn’t know what would cause him to have that reaction. He was the one in the house who killed any bugs that showed up and you’d never had a rodent problem. You were wondering what he could have found in the bathroom until you saw the plastic stick he was holding.

Your breath caught in your throat, immediately recognizing the pregnancy test. As a woman, you’d taken them before. Accidents happen, sometimes stress or illness delays nature’s flow, you’d been there. However, you hadn’t been there recently.

You glanced at Missy, seeing it written all over the girl’s face. She was frozen, mortified. She looked like she’d forgotten how to breathe. To be fair, you felt like you’d forgotten how to breathe too. You looked back at Marcus, but his eyes had never left you. The loving, doting father hadn’t even considered the other option in front of him and honestly you didn’t know if you could break the news to him.

“Oh, uh.” You stuttered as you tried to wrap your brain around all the new information thrown your way.

Missy was sexually active. She was 17, it wasn’t surprising, but she hadn’t brought it up. You weren’t sure you had expected her to but you had tried to make it clear as she grew that you would be there for her if she needed a woman to talk to instead of her father. Not only was she having sex, but she’d had a scare. Was she late? Did the condom break - please lord, you prayed, let her be using condoms. Was she… You were too young to be a grandmother. A step-grandmother. Was that even a thing?

As you processed everything, Marcus crossed the kitchen to you while Missy had slunk down in her chair about as low as she could go.

“Did you think... “ He trailed off, his voice soft. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

You opened and closed your mouth, looking for the right way to answer this. You hadn’t said anything because you’d had no idea someone in the house had taken a test!

“I wasn’t sure.” You mumbled, mouth going dry as you didn’t correct his assumption. One step at a time.

First, find out what the result of that test is.

Second, have a long, long, long talk with Missy about many, many things. Safe sex and hiding things we don’t want to be found among them.

Third… make brain work again? You had no idea where to go from there, but you supposed step three would become clear from the results of steps one and two.

Then, there was the issue literally staring you in the face. Marcus. The two of you had talked about children earlier on in the relationship as things grew serious. He told you that he wasn’t ready for more and you accepted that. You loved Missy and loved having a piece of her to share as you three became a family unit. The topic never came up again, so you just assumed Marcus didn’t want another child. You’d stayed on the pill and that was that. You always thought that if he changed his mind, he’d bring it up. It wasn’t something hidden. He saw your pack of pills on the nightstand that you took daily, and you’d even mentioned aloud a few times when you needed to get them refilled. There was plenty of opportunity for him to bring it up if he thought maybe you should go off them.

“You still could have talked to me. I would have sat with you or something.” Marcus told you, setting the test down on the counter to take both of your hands in his. 

You stared at the little piece of plastic, mentally thanking whoever was listening that Missy had splurged for the digital type. The word “negative’ sprawled on the screen, and you didn’t have to try to subtly decipher whether you were hoping for one line or two. You felt like you could breathe again.

“It wasn’t a big deal.” You shook your head. “Just late, wanted to make sure.”

You saw Missy gaping at you out of the corner of your eye, clearly surprised you were taking the fall for her.

“How did you feel? About the result?” He asked gently, this thumb stroking the back of your hand. 

“Maybe we should talk about this later,” you suggested, letting your eyes shoot in the direction of the teenager at the table, hoping Marcus would get that you’d rather talk in private. You’d also rather have a bit of time to wrap your head around everything that was just dropped on you.

Marcus’ eyes moved with yours, seeing Missy slumped in her seat making herself as small as possible. “Okay. We’ll talk later.” He promised, kissing your forehead.

You nodded in agreement and he squeezed your hands before letting them drop. As he left to take that shower, the tension in the room was palpable.

Missy started to speak but you shushed her, raising a finger in her direction while still watching down the hallway. “Wait til he starts the shower. Then we’ll talk.” You instructed quietly, glancing her way. 

Part of you felt bad for the girl, she looked absolutely mortified - and you’d seen her look plenty embarrassed before by her father’s helicopter parenting and bad jokes. On the other hand however, if she was old enough to need that test, she’d have to take this talk like an adult.

Neither of you moved until the shower started. As soon as you heard the water in the pipes, you marched to the table and sat next to her.

“I’m sorry-”

“What’s going on, Missy?” You interrupted the girl’s plea. “Don’t you dare lie to me after I covered for you with your dad. Why did you take that test?”

She stared down at the tabletop, blinking rapidly as she fought the tears welling in her eyes. “I’m late.” She admitted.

“How late?”

“Just a few days.”

“And how long have you been having sex for?”

She looked up at you, face turning red.

“No, no, no.” You chided. “You want to act grown, we’re gonna talk like you’re grown. How long?”

“Couple of months.” She mumbled, shrugging as she avoided looking you in the eye.

“Are you being safe? Condoms, birth control?”

“Condoms.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”

“I’m not stupid, you know.” She huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Oh, I beg to differ.” You huffed. “If you were smart you would have hidden that test so your dad didn’t find it.”

“I’m sorry!” She cried, tightening her grip on herself. “I was just so relieved it came out negative, I didn’t think...”

You took a deep breath, rubbing the bridge of your nose. You knew you needed to be smart about how you talked to Missy. If you were too harsh, she wouldn’t come to you in the future. If you were too lenient, she’d think a pregnancy scare at her age was no big deal and she might continue to be careless.

“Missy,” you started. “I really wish you would have come to me about this.”

“I didn’t want you to get mad. Or tell dad.” She admitted, still staring down at the table.

“You’re lucky he’s a definition himbo.” You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

She shot you a look, brows furrowed. “Nobody says that anymore.” She grumbled, making you sigh. Teenagers.

“That’s not the point.” You shook your head. “Missy, I wouldn’t have gotten mad. I probably would have asked questions, but I would have been there for you, helped you through it. I’ve been there, I know how scary it is.”

Missy nodded as you saw a tear roll down her cheek. You reached over and took her hand in your own.

“Did you only take one test?” You asked, which she answered with a nod.

“Okay. I’ll go out later today to get another, just so we can be sure. Then Monday I think we should make an appointment about getting on you some form of birth control.” You planned.

“There’s more than one kind?” Missy mumbled.

“Oh hon, yeah there’s a few.” You smiled gently, trying not to make fun of the girl for her lack of knowledge. “I can see if my doctor has an opening if you want, she’s really great.”

Missy nodded. You reached over with your free hand to rub her arm comfortingly. “Until we get that sorted, can you try to… hold off for a bit?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” She rolled her eyes, wiping away her tears. “This whole thing kinda scared me off of... it.”

“I wish that would last,” you chuckled, “but it won’t. Teenage hormones suck.”

The silence that settled between you two wasn’t wrought with the same tension as before. The tension this time was of nerves, you scared for your step-daughter and Missy shaken up by her whole ordeal.

“Do you have any questions, anything you’re confused about?” You prompted, trying to open the floor to her.

“Are you gonna tell Dad?” She asked quietly. So quietly you almost didn’t hear her.

You took a deep breath, closing your eyes as you tried to think about it. One on hand, you didn’t want to be keeping anything from Marcus, especially when it came to his daughter. On the other hand, you knew you were lucky your mother had been around to deal with this part of your life. You would have been mortified having to go to your father for sex stuff.

“I won’t tell him,” you decided. The relief in the teen’s eyes was palpable, and she looked like she was going to cry again. “But you have to promise me that you’ll talk to an adult about things like this. You can always come to me, but if you’re not comfortable with that-”

“No, now that I know you’re not gonna tell dad-” Missy started, but you cut her off firmly but gently.

“Let me finish. I’m glad you’re comfortable talking to me now, but if you ever aren’t, please talk to your Abuela or the doctor, or a counsellor at school, okay? I know you’re 17 and you think you know everything. I was the same way, everyone is at your age, but an adult can help you with this stuff, okay?”

Missy agreed as the two of you heard the shower shut off. You fought the urge to sigh as you remembered the other side of this coin: the conversation you had to have with Marcus now.

“Why don’t you go clean up?” You offered, wiping away the rest of Missy’s tears with your thumb. “I’m already lying to your father for you, I don’t need to explain to him why you were crying too.”

Missy laughed a little at that, a small pitiful laugh but a laugh all the same. She stood, wrapping her arms around you. You were surprised, but you returned the hug.

“Thank you.” She whispered before running off to her room. The door closed behind her and it didn’t take long for loud music to start playing.

You slumped down, resting your head in your hands as you took several deep breaths. You gave yourself a pep talk in your head, convincing yourself you’re doing the right thing by keeping this from Marcus, and encouraging yourself that you handled the situation well. You went over the plan again in your head, pretty sure you had your bases covered to take care of Missy in light of the scare. Once you’d gotten her in with the doctor, you’d have a more in depth talk with her about safe sex and being responsible with her body.

You heard Marcus’ footsteps, soft against the carpet of the hallway carpet, before he paused at the entrance to the kitchen.

“Hey, is everything okay?” He asked, coming up to rest his hands on your shoulders.

“Yeah, I think I just feel a headache coming on.” You told him, which wasn’t untrue. You could definitely feel the beginnings of a stress headache prickling at the edges of your consciousness.

Marcus’ large hands started massaging your shoulders, making you groan softly in delight.

“Is it because…” He trailed off, but he didn’t need to continue for you to know he meant the test. He’d probably been thinking about it the whole time he was in the shower, and it was probably best to get this conversation out of the way rather than to let it fester. You nodded, letting him know it was - which wasn’t a lie.

His hands stopped massaging your shoulders, running up and down your arms a few times before he sat next to you in the chair Missy had just vacated.

“I’m sorry you went through that alone,” he started, taking your hand in his and kissing your knuckles. It made you smile at his sweetness.

“It was my choice. I’m sorry I kept it from you.” You knew at this point the two of you were having two different conversations, you were apologizing for keeping Missy’s secret from him but you did truly believe it to be the right decision. At least for now. Maybe someday when she’s older and out of the house, you’d tell him and laugh.

“We’ve never really talked about it. Not since the beginning.” Marcus got a faraway look in his eyes and you knew he was remembering the date you two had been on when the conversation was had.

“Yeah, but that’s okay.” You squeezed his hand, bringing him back to the now. “I like what we have.”

Marcus frowned, his deep brown eyes filled with worry not unlike Missy’s had been minutes before. “Are you sure? I saw the test and… I just suddenly felt like I was holding you back. If that’s something you want, we should discuss it.”

“And if it was something I felt strongly about, I would have brought it up.” You promised him. You knew right from the start of your relationship he was worried about holding you back. You were younger than him with the world at your feet. He was a widowed single father with a young daughter and a career in fighting supervillains and aliens. He didn’t just have baggage, he had a storage locker of issues.

“Alright.” Marcus sighed, but you could still see the trepidation in his eyes. You smiled at him, pulling him into a kiss.

“Don’t worry babe, I don’t think I could handle another teenager.” You teased. Today was probably one of the most difficult moments you’d had as a step-mother aside from the initial growing pains of your relationship with Missy, but you’d all survived it.

Marcus laughed and you were happy to see a joyful sparkle replace the worry in his eyes. “Yeah, tell me about it.” He glanced towards Missy’s room where her loud music was still blaring. He shook his head before standing, picking up Missy’s abandoned plate. You expected him to take it to the sink but he stopped behind you, leaning down to whisper in your ear.

“Although, they’re really stinkin’ adorable when they’re babies.” He confessed, shocking you into silence. He kissed the side of your head and moved to the sink to wash Missy’s plate.

Or it could have gone something like this...

You were sitting at the edge of your bed, stretching as you woke up for the day. Marcus had opened the curtains a crack before he left for his run and you could see it was going to be a beautiful day out. You stood slowly, unrolling your spine as you got your balance.

You heard the front door open and close. You must have slept in later than you’d meant to since you usually had breakfast ready by the time Marcus got back from his run. Or he’d left earlier than usual. Either way, that just meant he could shower while you were cooking. You blinked your bleary eyes as you crossed to your dresser for some lounge clothes to wear. You were in one of Marcus’ old t-shirts and your underwear and figured you’d at least put some pants on before leaving the room.

You could hear him through the hall as he made his way to the bathroom, his footsteps falling a little heavier on the carpet after exerting himself, still panting lightly. You yawned away the sleep, struggling to keep your balance as you pulled a pair of plaid shorts up your legs. You’d just gotten them over your hips when the door opened.

You looked up, seeing Marcus still sweaty and flushed from his run. He was staring at something in his hand looking completely confused. You furrowed your brows, trying to focus on the small object as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes.

“Uh… sweetheart? W-what’s this?” He asked, holding it up for you to see. It took you a moment to register what the thin stick of plastic was.

“That’s not mine.” You defended. You were on the pill and hadn’t had any recent scares. If you had, you would have shared that with Marcus. But if it wasn’t yours...

Your eyes widened as your sleep-addled brain caught up to the real world. It felt like your heart stopped. Marcus seemed to have made the connection just before you did as he stared down at the test in terror.

“Marcus sweetie, it’s probably not what we think,” you tried to calm him as he turned bright red.

“No. N-no, no, no.” He stuttered, unable to take his eyes off it as his breathing started coming quicker and quicker.

“Marcus, you need to breathe. Relax.” You begged as you watched the emotions crossing his face at a dizzying pace. Fear, anger, confusion, hurt, anger again-

“Missy?” He squeaked pathetically, looking up at you in panic.

“She’s not a kid anymore, Marcus.” You offered pathetically. You knew Marcus would always see Missy as his little girl despite the fact that she was in her late teens. You’d had no idea she was sexually active but if she’d taken a pregnancy test that pretty much spoke for itself.

“But she-” He whimpered, shaking his head as he stared at the test. 

You bit your lip, searching for the words to help him accept this. You hadn’t even seen the test result yet, so you had no idea how big the problem was about to be.

You watched as his eyes unfocussed, nearly crossing before they rolled back. If you were awake, you would have anticipated what happened next. Since you weren’t, you watched helplessly as Marcus face planted in front of you, passed out from the shock of his teenage daughter taking a pregnancy test.

So much for a relaxing Sunday.

A/N: I ended the “first ending” there so that each reader could decide if the conversation that followed would be “wait, we want kids? Let’s go!” or “Haha, babies can be cute as long as they’re not mine!” So feel free to let your imagination wander.

Tagging @wickedfrsgrl​ @din-damn-djarin​ @dinthisisthe-wayson​ @vonschweetz​ @insideafictionaluniverse​ @driedgreentomatoes​ @computeringturtle​

[xenodile]

Would you be willing to share the details of your discussion with Fangus? I enjoy reading about people’s thoughts how Monster musume could have been more than just another endless series of pointless harem antics and actually explored the characters and their relationships, as well some of the interesting bits of world building that have been teased throughout the manga. Plus you two generally have very good takes on things so my curiosity is killing me a bit right now.

Gonna put it under a read more because it’s a lot and there’s some very NSFW stuff involved.

Long and short of it is that we agreed that the ideal ending for Monster Musume would be the harem route, where all the girls stay happily “married” to Kimihito rather than for just one of them to be The Wife while the others are left unrequited.  In order for this to work though, the girls would all need to have a degree of affection for one another in addition to Kimihito.

It starts with Cerea and Miia.  Miia is the most openly competitive about being Kimihito’s partner and also the most outspoken about her feelings, so once the competition is taken out of the equation, Miia would chill out a lot, and be a lot more friendly with the others, and be the first to voice her affections for someone.

Miia is first drawn to Kimihito by his kindness and his readiness to stand up for her, and these are both traits that he shares with Cerea.  Miia wants a knight in shining armor to sweep her off her feet, and Cerea wants to be a knight in shining armor for someone.  Likewise, once the competition aspect is taken out, Cerea would likewise be a lot more relaxed and chill with the other girls since she’s not trying to “protect her lord’s chastity” as it were.  In the natural course of things, Miia and Cerea would spend more time together and get to know each other better, and Miia would recognize that she’s attracted to a lot of Cerea’s traits because they’re traits she shares with Kimihito.

Then we agreed that Cerea should have a huge horsecock, again, because she is similar to Kimihito as a more masculine and protective member of the household, and also because it’s hot.  Kimihito is just one man after all and he needs someone to help him manage the libidos of the girls, so Cerea being able to fill that role (and the other girls) works perfectly.

Kimihito is ready and willing to bottom for Cerea too, because there’s no way the man got so good with his hands by being straight, though it takes a while to fully ease into being able to take Cerea’s shaft comfortably.

The mutual love triangle of Kimihito, Miia, and Cerea then naturally expands to fit the entire household.

Mero is already heavily implied to have a thing for Miia in canon, so she’d be totally happy with a more open house dynamic with Kimihito and Miia.  Though Fangus and I agreed that Mero is a voyeur and would enjoy watching the others have sex more than getting it herself, especially if Miia and/or Kimihito are involved.

We agreed that based on how harpies work in the setting, Papi is probably very loose legged and sleeps around with people all over town, but the Kurusu house is still home.  She loves Kimihito and the other girls most, but she’s not picky when the mood strikes her, so the household has gotten used to Papi flying home stinking of sex, or seeing her fooling around with a complete stranger in an alley somewhere around town during outings.  Kimihito has had to mix birth control pills into her on a daily basis to ensure she doesn’t lay fertilized eggs every other week.

Rachnera takes a long time to warm up t the dynamic because she’s a control freak, and would clam up and withdraw when the other girls became more openly affectionate with her.  Ironically, she would greatly benefit from being put in bondage and dommed because it’d allow her to relax and let someone else take the reins instead of constantly fretting about accidently hurting somebody.  Kimihito would probably ask Miia to crawl onto Rachnera’s abdomen and curl up there, leaning against her back and staying there for a few hours just so Rachnera gets acclimated to someone really wanting to be in contact with her without needing to be bound for their own safety.  They’d bicker endlessly the whole time.

Suu is affectionate but her limited intelligence limits how much romance there is.  We agreed that Suu’s affection is of a more primal or animalistic nature than the others.  Suu fucks but cuddling is out of her wheelhouse.

Lala takes the longest to really get into the mood for it, because she’s actively trying to stay distant and not intrude on the others’ lives.  This comes to a head when Kimihito gets the others to team up against her and just bombard her with affection until Lala can’t go anywhere in the house without someone hugging her, kissing her, or squeezing her hand.  Sort of a “Why wait for me to die when you could have all of us right now” sorta deal.  From there the only hiccup is Miia’s incredible squeamishness in regards to detached dullahan head and how that can potentially spoil the mood when they’re involved.

M.O.N. stays independent of the household because their affections are focused more squarely on Kimihito than the other girls or each other, so they’ll give the house a ring to call on him for dates or booty calls now and then, and sometimes a few of the girls will join in him in keeping the M.O.N. girls company.

And that’s that.  They’re all openly affectionate and romantic with one another, they all have their dear Kimihito and no one is left wanting or neglected.  Instead of this inane struggle to see who gets to have their feelings reciprocated, we can focus on the horny hijinks that actually matter between happily married people.

We solved the harem problem!

[bexterbex]

Masking the Heart | Ch. 3

A new galactic war was forming, and your star system needed to create an alliance. Your father, the king, made a deal with the First Order in a promise of protection for guaranteed trade. You are arranged to marry the Commander Kylo Ren, apprentice of the Supreme Leader. A man who is hidden behind his mask. Will your husband show you his heart? Or will it be forever hidden behind a mask?

No tag lists | Masterlist

*Note: The author of this work does not condone arranged marriage practices, domestic abuse, or non-con sexual encounters, this work is for fictional uses only.*

Chapter 3

You woke up with a kink in your neck from falling asleep in the window seat. It was a comfortable place to read and sit but not one to sleep. And you could feel the effects your body had after the last two days, you were sore and aching in a way you never knew was possible. You struggled to get up and walk back to your room to grab your datapad. There was a new message in the inbox from your husband.

Princess Ren,

Today a droid will deliver a pill to you. Take it. I was aware that you were not on any sort of birth control when we married, and this will rectify any possible problems from our last two rendezvous. That same droid will also implant a device into your arm to prevent any accidental pregnancies from happening.

I am aware that you will need to produce an heir for your star system at some point, but for now I require you to remain childless. We will have a further discussion in the future on how we are to go about this.

You are also expected not to leave the chambers without my permission. This will give you plenty of time to learn about the First Order. I will inform you when I am to be back, at my earliest convenience.

                                                                                             Commander Kylo Ren

              Apprentice to Supreme Leader Snoke and Master of the Knights of Ren

So he was going to keep you infertile until he needed you to be pregnant. Now you didn’t have a possible excuse to escape his needs. You were going to be forever trapped in a cycle with him, but at least you had a week to be away from him.

You ordered yourself breakfast as you scrolled through your ‘learning’ material. All of it seemed to be some sort of propaganda that the First Order fed to its citizens and ‘troopers. You had been eating and reading for a bit before you heard an alert at the door. You answered it, and in came a small flying black droid. The one that would give you the pill and the device.

It prompted you to sit in one of the chairs as it dispensed the pill and a small glass of water for you to take it with. Then came the insertion of the device. It prompted you to hold out your non-dominant arm which you compiled as you watched it inject you with a local anesthetic. You watched as it effortlessly sliced a small line into your arm and inserted the device. And then it applied you with a layer of bacta and a bandage. Once it was finished it gave out a happy trill sound before it left you completely alone once more.

You sat in the chair for a while, thinking about your future, or rather the lack of it thereof. You were to be his wife, but not just that, you were to warm his bed whenever he saw fit; you were to obey his commands and stay isolated in your chambers, only coming out whenever he approved of it. In many ways you felt like a concubine, the only real difference was the ring on your finger and the last name you had taken.

You had no future without him, but with him you had no future of your own. You were bound to him, now for eternity and there was nothing you could do about it. Especially because it might come as a cost to your people. Your freedom for theirs. ‘Your duty was to the crown and its people.’ He was now the future crown, someone you would have to obey always.

The next few days came and went with a blur. You had tried to make a regular schedule of getting up, having breakfast, daily hygiene, learning, and some light exercise. You were grateful that the main living space was large; it meant that you could walk in a large circle around the room. There really was little for you to do, you had tried to order just ingredients through the datapad but the authorization was denied. You needed to ask your husband directly to approve it and according to the message center he was offline all week.

So here you were a day before he was supposed to return bored out of your mind. In your pacing you had accidentally hit the entry button to your husband’s room with your arm. It made a loud error sound. Curiosity killed the cat, so you actually placed your hand against the sensor and it repeated the sound. So now you knew that you were not allowed access to his room, but he was allowed access to yours.

Fitting.

Today you tried to entertain yourself with some videos on the holonet but nothing seemed to be working. Nothing at all. You had been basically isolated for the past week with your only contact being that of the droids that delivered your food. You were lonely, and by all accounts you missed your husband, because even if he didn’t treat you like another human being he was at least one himself. But that seemed to be all that you could say about him.

You heard your datapad ping with a message alert. It was Kylo.

Princess Ren,

I will be back earlier than expected, 1 H from now.

                                                                                             Commander Kylo Ren

              Apprentice to Supreme Leader Snoke and Master of the Knights of Ren

That hour did not give you much time to prepare. But why did you really need to prepare? He hadn’t given you any orders to be properly dressed for him. Or really do anything for that matter. But you decided to do it anyway, you weren’t ready to try to test the boundaries yet, so you got ready. By the time you were done and had exited your room you had a few seconds before he came barging in.

You were two steps out your door, as he crowded into your space pushing you back into the bedroom. You could see his robes were dirty and singed, he smelled as if he had gotten off straight from the battlefield. You were pretty sure that there was probably blood on his robes too as he shoved you down onto the bed. Like the kitchen before he left, he did not strip you; he did not face you; he was going to take you from behind.

Although this time he wasn’t going to bind your wrists, it seemed like he didn’t even have enough patience for that. Your skirt was hiked up, underwear once again ripped off as he quickly sheathed a full gloved finger inside of you. Your cunt clenched around it for a few seconds before it was replaced by his hardened cock. Like the previous two times he had taken pleasure in you, he was unrelenting. You were practically being smothered in your own sheets as you struggled to breathe.

While there were tears in your eyes from the pain, you could hear his vocal pleasure through the mask. The distorted sounds made him more animal than human, which wasn’t far off from how he was acting. You were there for him; you were his prey. It seemed pretty evident that he did not care for you, he only cared about what you could offer him.  

You wondered how your life would be different, if you were married to another man. Would he take you just as harshly? Would he speak to you? Or would you be in roughly the same boat? As far as you could tell right now your husband wasn’t a kind man, nor was he gentle in any way. You also wondered just how many men were built like him in the galaxy. He was certainly very strong as he seemed to demolish your cervix. Even with your uttered lack of experience you knew he was large for a man, especially as each thrust bruised you to your core. He was large enough to cause a lot of pain, stretching you completely.

You felt his already crushing grip tighten. His grunts got longer and deeper as you felt his pace stutter. And then you felt him spill into you, the hot rushing cum filling you. You were now thankful for his insistent use of birth control, this was not how you wanted to bring a child into the world. Especially when its father would be a practical stranger to you, let alone help you raise it.

And like before he slipped out of you without any word, without any signal to tell you he was really through. And he left you there on your tear-stained mattress, the skirt of your dress still around your waist as the door shut behind him. As you attempted to get up, you could feel the remnants leak out of you. You practically crawled into the refresher. Starting your usual scalding hot bath to clean yourself, to attempt to get rid of his remnants. To scrub your skin absolutely bare.

You had a relatively shorter bath this time around; you had already been through this twice before. You left the refresher in only a towel, but this time as you were getting dressed your husband re-entered your room. His robes were changed and you could smell the fresh scent of soap on him as he crowded into your personal space. He had bathed just like you had done. Still in the towel you clenched it around you, although it really wouldn’t do you much good as he has already seen you naked, and could request you as such any time.

He leaned down to your level, his masked face inches away from yours. You could see your breath fog up the black steel. It was like staring down the most dangerous predator in the galaxy. He brought his hand up to yank the towel away, leaving you exposed to him. His hand trailed down your body, the leather causing goosebumps along your skin. He trailed down to your pelvis, his hand dipping between your thighs. You could feel his fingers tentatively tease your folds, before he plunged his middle finger into you before he forcefully used his thumb against your crotch, pushing your canal forward. Squeezing your delicate parts forward, like the organs were just movable. The grasp made you yell out in pain, and then he pushed two other fingers into you. It was like the grab of death. The pressure on the inside of your walls was basically unbearable.

As he continued to cause immense pressure and pain he started to thrust his fingers in and out of you. This went on for a while as he watched your face closely, while you writhed in pain. Eventually he pulled his fingers out and while you prepared for his dick to be shoved in, that wasn’t what happened. Instead, he brought his now slick leather-clad fingers up to your mouth. Pushing them against your lips. “Open,” was what he commanded. You compiled as he shoved them into your mouth, almost gagging you. “Now clean them.”

Your eyes widened in shock at the vulgar request, but you couldn’t help but obey him. Tasting yourself wasn’t an overly pleasant experience, from both the actual outcome of the tasting and the taste itself. But once you had sucked them clean his fingers slid out of your mouth with a pop. You then watch as he unzipped the front of his pants, his erection springing free. In an instant you were shoved down hard to your knees. As you gasped at the sudden shock of being pushed down, he took this as an opportunity to shove his cock into your mouth gagging you.

“Take it,” he commanded.

If there weren't already tears running down your face from his initial hold on your pussy, they definitely were now as he rammed himself down your throat. “Suck and take it,” his voice was harsh and menacing coming through his mask. You did as best as you could, but you were sobbing the whole time as he continued to thrust down the back of your throat. He was hardly allowing you to breathe, still seeking his own pleasure. You were just some toy for him to play with, an object for him to use. You could feel your own saliva dripping out of your mouth and running down your chin as he continued his harsh fucking of your face.

As he unloaded into your mouth, you started to gag even more, “Swallow Princess.” Your title came out like an insult on his lips, but you did your best to obey him, choking down his hot cum. Once he was finished he pulled out and ordered, “Clean it.”

You looked up at him, rather unsure as to what to do since when he ordered you to clean his fingers he just shoved them into your mouth until you sucked them clean. This time however you lick him clean like his cock was an ice cream cone, only this cone was hot, salty and thick. Once he was satisfied with your cleaning job, he shoved his cock back into his pants before he leaned down to you. His face still above yours, but he didn’t say anything. He just seemed to stare at you while you were beneath him. He held his position of power over you, both figuratively and literally. And then he left, leaving you alone once more.

And here you were crying while butt naked on the floor. Your husband was just using you, not caring for your feelings or wants. No. You were his and his to own. You must please him, he is the future of the crown. ‘Your duty was to the crown and its people.’

[purplesurveys]

1156

survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Robyn.

How old are you? 22.

Where are you from? Philippines.

What color are your eyes and hair? Eyes are dark brown, hair is black.

When were you born? April 21.

Now for the fun stuff!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Closed. Some people can fall asleep with their closet doors open (and this is a thing in the first place??)? I could imagine that would irritate me to death, and I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until I got up and closed it.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Just a twin size. It’s all I need for now.

What do you drink with dinner? Cold water, always. We also usually have other drinks served at the dinner table - Coke, buko juice, and iced tea - but I never drink anything else.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Barbecue sauce.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? You know who it was, I don’t feel like continuing to mention them on surveys as often as I used to any more.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Two for the Road, The Proposal, and Toy Story.

What is your usual bedtime? From Monday to Friday I’m usually passed out anytime between 10 PM–12 AM. It’s a different story on weekends; revenge bedtime procrastination is my thing now, so I go to bed anywhere from 2–5 AM.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I always had different outfits on per year, but they were always the generic ones that we could buy costumes of at the mall – pirate, Tinkerbell, mermaid, etc. I didn’t start getting resourceful and/or witty with my Halloween choices until I was about 14 or 15 when I first went as AJ Lee.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? February last year when I had my grad photo taken.

Take a vitamin daily? I am guilty of skipping my vitamins lol.

What do you wear to bed? I answer this all the tiiiiiime but I like wearing super-thin clothes so it’d feel airy while I sleep. I don’t exactly live in the chilliest country in the world.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Can’t relate.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? I would love to have kids, yeah.

Where did your last kiss take place? Outside of that person’s car, just right before they got inside.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a fever coming in and was starting to feel nauseous.

Last thing you ate? Adobo.

Do you get your nails done? Nope.

When did your last relationship end? September.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my bedroom.

How many stories does your home have? Three if you count the rooftop.

Do you own headphones? No. The one I have in my room is my dad’s; he just lets me borrow it.

Have you ever...

Gotten a Brazillian wax? No, never tried having that yet. Being waxed looks like it hurts, so I’ve stayed away from it to this day lol.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? Only a handful of times as I try not to get to that point, but yes, it’s happened before.

Been called a bitch? Sure.

Slut? No.

Pierced anything? I have a couple of piercings, but nothing I pierced myself.

Had a tattoo? Not yet.

Smoked a cigarette? Yes, but I actively try to make it a point not to form it into a habit.

Smoked weed? Nope.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? Sure, this has happened back when I still felt this way about the person. 

Worked out at a gym? No, never at a gym. I’d feel too self-conscious to get a gym membership altogether haha. In the brief time I worked out, I only did it at home. 

Snuck out of the house? No. With my parents, it’s much safer to ask permission than attempt to be sneaky since they always say yes anyway.

What’s the nearest furry object? That would be Kimi.

Is the room you are in messy? I would say it’s messy in my mom’s eyes but relatively neater than the average bedroom I would see at my friends’s and relatives’ houses. My mom just has ridiculous sky-high expectations when it comes to neatness and I’ve stopped bothering to meet them years ago.

What is the single largest item in your house? Either the living room couch or my parents’ bed, not sure which would ultimately take up more space.

When did you first become interested in sex? I mean I remember starting to explore porn when I was maybe 13 or 14, so those ages would be safe guesses.

How much money did you spend today? Zero and I plan on making it remain at zero. Payday is taking so long though :((((

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think I had to hold around ₱7,000 in bills at one point in high school when my mom asked me to pay for something tuition-related.

What kind of cell phone do you have? iPhone 8. It sounds more and more ancient with each year that passes lmaooo.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Never, and I hope I never have to? I’m scared of the things that could come out of my mouth.

Which Disney parks have you been to? None of them.

What does your bed comforter look like? Blue.

When did you last cry? Yesterday, from watching an emotional clip.

When is the last time you took medicine? Start of June.

What was the medicine for? It was to treat my UTI. I was already feeling so much better by the time I had to take that last pill, but I was instructed to take it for a certain period of time so I was just following the schedule.

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’ve actually never tried looking into the specifics of it. I know health insurance is part of my job, but I don’t even fully understand insurance yet HAHA and the thought of it makes me anxious so I haven’t read too much into the kind of insurance I have and the inclusions I can avail from it.

What is your birth control method of choice? I don’t have a preferred one. I’ve only been with a girl, so I haven’t had the chance to explore methods I could gravitate towards.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? Several thousands of pesos, usually.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Like, I was challenged to finish it off on one thing? I’d get an iPhone 12.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? They never caught me drinking when I was not yet allowed to drink. Now that they know I do drink, there’s no ‘catching’ that happens; they don’t mind me downing a bottle of soju from time to time.

Have you ever crawled through a window? I may have as a kid.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yup.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes. I’m definitely a photo hoarder regardless of the person, so she’s not an isolated case; I also still have photos of people who aren’t in my life anymore, like Athenna and Sofie. I just don’t look at photos of me and Gab anymore, but they are definitely still around. Deleting them would be like deleting the last six years of my life and that sounds a little unfair.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Someone spread a rumor that I was bi and dating Andi back in 6th grade but I wouldn’t call that nasty.

How many rooms does your house have? It originally had three, but we had the balcony renovated into another bedroom, for my brother; so now we technically have four.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? As long as I felt safe in the environment and with the person/people, sure.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? There are different kinds of happiness you can get from either; I don’t believe this is something that should be compared.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? That I write well.

How tall are you?: 5′1″.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? Not sure, maybe one of my parents or one of my best friends.

What is the last thing you said aloud? “Already?” Cooper was nipping at my hoodie and he was able to destroy a part of the underside in like three minutes.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? At least one type of frozen goods, like tocino or hotdogs.

How many pets do you own? Two.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I’ll be 23.

Last time you went out of town? January.

First thing you wash in the shower? My hair, then I work my way down.

What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? I use a Dove shampoo and a Pantene conditioner.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? No.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? I don’t think so. We don’t have that here so there’s no reason for me to own anything from there.

How often do you hold hands with someone? Never. That’s a sensation I miss, for sure. But I’m fine – this is just my period talking HAHAHA

What was the most recent thing you bought? I got a Zinger from KFC because I was craving for fast food at 1 AM yesterday.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? Considering how stupid I can get when it comes to love, probably yes in certain situations.

Do you have Verizon? No.

Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? To a very, very tiny extent, especially compared to my siblings. I’m nowhere close to being a brat, though. 

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I’m on prepaid, so I load up my phone every week with a certain amount instead of paying for a consolidated bill every month.

How many piercings do you have? Two.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? I turn it on only once I’ve gotten in.

Have you ever had stitches? Nope and I’m terrified of the thought. I hope I’ll never have to need any.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Eugh, outdated question. Next.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? No. I don’t use a mouse and my keyboard is already built into my laptop.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? I don’t regularly use either anymore.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? I’m pretty certain this is a hand-me-down from my mom.

What are your pet’s names? Kimi and Cooper.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Some days.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Haha no, but my back and shoulders do.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? Sure.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Continued from this morning. Figure out a way to tell my parents without getting hit.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? Today? Not really.

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two of Chrome, one of Spotify.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Ew, no. Does that guy still do stuff???

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? It’s nice to daydream about but likely not gonna happen.

Have you been to a baby shower? No.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? 4-5 if we really want to make the most out of the available space, but at present it only has 2.

Are you taller than your mom? Nah. Everyone thought I would be, but then I just stopped growing. I am now the shortest member in the family hahaha.

Are you a cuddler? Only with significant others. I would feel uncomfortable if a non-SO cuddled me as I am not a touchy person to begin with, except when it comes to hugs.

Sleep on your back or stomach? Stomach. I could never sleep on my back; I feel too exposed.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? I always close the bathroom doors. Kimi has the tendency to pee on the bathroom floor so I make sure he doesn’t follow me in there.

Do you dress for style or comfort? More for style. I do take comfort into account, but looking nice and feeling confident in my outfit honestly takes precedence for me.

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? 15,000 cases today.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Yeah. It would even be a bit of a relief, honestly, because it means less pressure for me to have sex to please my partner.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Yes, both happy and sad tears.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It depends on the person, I guess. Some can handle breakups well, and I’m not one of them.

How long has it been since you had sex? It would be 7 months this April.

Who was the last person to call you babe? My ex probably.

Last reason you went to the ER? I’ve never been to.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yeah. They were having trouble conceiving at first, but my mom eventually found out she was pregnant with me on her 27th birthday.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? ^ 27.

Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yes, many times.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? A couple of weeks ago. I’ve been meaning to shave again but I’ve just been sooooooo lazy.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t use any products on my skin.

Do you use a blowdryer? Nope.

How many purses do you own?: 3 – I now have more than one! Haha. A month ago I had to buy bayongs from this small business for these PR kits we needed to send out and they included a couple of purses as freebies. Since we’re all working from home, I got to keep them since I was the one who placed the order heheh.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? I really just stop by stalls of small businesses I see at the mall and see what trendy pieces I can get from them.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? I like halter and tank tops, paired with denim jeans.

What about shoes? Sneakers. You’ll rarely see me wearing anything else.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now?

For that one week a month, do you hate being a woman? I’ll feel icky about it every now and then, especially if my flow happens to be heavy; but for the most part I don’t have any complaints. I think bleeding out every month is actually kind of fucking hardcore.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? Be relieved. I’ve never had irregularity issues with my period, so every time it comes it usually serves as a reassurance that there continues to be no problem.

Favorite underwear brand? Don’t have any.

Last thing you bought at the mall? Three new pods for my vape.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend?

What color are your pillows? They’re the same style as my current bedsheet, so they’re also blue.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? I think it would be nice if we would at least have lunch somewhere to catch up, then ask her what led her to that point.

Don’t you just love DVR? We didn’t use it often.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? 93%.

Last gift you recieved? I got lunch from Bea after our virtual event with the media for one of our clients. Later that day, Kata also had banana bread delivered to my place :)

Lesson you recently learned? What to do when my candle starts tunneling, which I had looked up literally no more than 5 minutes ago because it started happening to my scented candle :(

[flirting-with-psychology]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

[summersnowy]

A GIRL IN ME - Intro

My mum and dad got divorced when I was at a very young age around 7-8y.o. My mum re married and I was left with my dad who was I'm the military force. He was always deployed in the operation and not at home most of the time. Taking care of me was my aunt who was in her mid 30s.

I remember during my school days I was a wimpy boy who was quiet and timid.

Slender and fair and doesn't have many friends around me most of the time I was hanging around with the girls and most of the boys jeered and make fun of me because of that.. maybe they are jealous of me having good friendship with the girls...

And truly I'm well mannered doesnt talk loudly and using vulgarity or rough words so I was deem to be a sissy confront of the boys

The schooling days was a tough one for me having loneliness at home and not having someone I can trust to talk to...although i have mainly the girls friend but i know I'm not really a part of their conversation they cant share the girls things that they are gg thru...hence I cant never be a trusted friend. That's how I think...I begin wanting to be like them...have long hair that can be tied up wearing skirts, neat and tidy appearances..In fact when I'm around 6-7 y.o i start to think why I'm different from a girl and that's when I discover the difference between a girl and boy.

Questioning myself why am I not a girl why I was born a boy? I started to get curious and wanted to try wear a dress. But I was too young and who I can look forward to is my aunt..she is in her mid 30s and an attractive woman as I can see she have alot of Male friends some I often see them around with her. I would sneak into her closet and see all her clothes and lingerie. Observe her appearance and makeup, the clothes she worn...h&M, forever21, Zara all the clothes she had are so pretty and I wish I can wear them and look as pretty and attractive...So at a tender age of 8-9 I begin to explore women clothes and makeup but I only started to wear my aunt clothes when I'm around 12-13 y.o.. I dont know how I know most of the girly things but I just understand how to make up and wear bra and panties and have my Male part tucked... maybe it's thru the observation and my group of girls friend... my aunt is slim and slender so the clothes she have are mostly XS or S which i can sometime fit some are a little oversized for me but still I think I look pretty in it...😍

This lasted for a few months and which time I became bolder from just the lingerie to dress, blouse , skirt, stocking, makeup etc and my aunt ain't dumb she know someone is touching her things but kept quiet. But for me I'm clumsy and dumb I might have mess up the thing she placed in order...she know I did it every afternoon when I'm back from school and at late night during weekends when she goes out partying or holiday trips..

During this time of dressing up, I felt more and more wanting to become a girl. It a strange feeling, inside of me there seem to be girl trying to come out but the outside of me is trying to moderate the out burst knowing this is a perverted thoughts there are little knowledge of what this is all about....the only thing that I know is its abnormal...I try to read and research about it it's the age of the internet at that time but still there are limited information back then. But I learned from chatting platform talk to sister with similar issue and who are just like me I'm definitely not alone...all this topic on cross dressing, transgender m2f, ladyboy, hormone replacement therapy, Srs (sex reassignment surgery), sexuality etc

Now that I knew I'm not the odd one out I felt better. I know it's a mental disorder but I also knew that I'm an Asian and this is not acceptable in the society I'm in..all this thoughts I have need to be kept secret..its a struggle like fighting against my own self...the only time I can let out the women in me is the private time i have to dress up as a girl looking in to the mirror seeing the beautiful face in the mirror...i know it's a not right to wear my aunt's clothes but I'm still a student financially i can afford. I begin saving up but it too little to get what I wanted...

I mentioned that my aunt knew but kept mum about it. I also try my best not to dirty any of her clothes, panties but I cant help the pre cum that leaks when I see it I will clean and dry it I guess sometime I'm too muddled head...so there was this day which I thought my aunt was at work and will usually return in the late evening...after shower and drying up I step into her room and took out a set of black panties and bra..slip into the bra hooking the back of the strap skillfully as though I wear it daily and tucked my little boy peck into the panties which fits almost like it was mine.. I look into the full length mirror adjust my bra abit and pull my panties tighter so it will hold my manhood in position.. I hate my boy hair style...I took out the wig which I bought after month of saving from my drawer which I hidden it in layer of clothes like a pirate hiding his treasure chest..putting on the mid length wig and look into the mirror again...smiling at myself I look almost like any of the girls in my school. Everytime that happen I will ask myself why am I not born a real girl why is it so unfair why I need to hid and do this like a thief...telling myself I want to be a girl badly God if you hear this please turn me into a princess..of course that was how naive I was back then..I have so short time to enjoy this i need to hurry...opening up the compact powder foundation I begin applying on my face lightly and colouring my lip with a glossy mellow red lipstick...that's all I can afford but enough to brighten up my face a little to look pretty..next I slide open the closet where my aunt latest collection of clothes and took out a floral red skater dress. Slipping up the dress and zipping up the back of the dress before turning to the full length mirror..that imagine of me is what I wanted not to remember but to be let this without capturing it into by memory..At this moment I hear the footstep and clinging sound of keys..before I can react the room door open and my aunt saw me in full dress..my heart almost stopped.....Not surprise by what she saw but a little shock that someone is in her room my aunt look at me and stare for a while..my throat was choke with words feeling a gush of blood rising to my head. Shawn? Is that you?

All I did was nod and look down to the floor. Are you the one who touch my clothes and makeup? I was a little surprise to hear that but remain silent..hey Shawn you better own up else I'm going to ask you father here to see his son turn daughter. You know your father shawn you know what he will do. Aunt please dont please dont tell my dad I am sorry to touch your stuff please dont tell my dad i will do anything but please dont tell my dad about this. Then you have to tell my the truth why are you doing this. My heads was running around searching for an answer.

Should I tell my aunt my true feeling or should I just tell her a lies and promise not to do this ever again....

"Shawn look at me, Do you have anything to say about this? " she said in a calm tone. I suspect and knew you have been touch my things for several months. I didn't sound out because I thought you are only curious and will stop in a while but it obviously didn't. And I realised my birth control pills are missing a whole lot every month and that's the point I thought I need to talk to you. Are you trying to turn into a girl? Do u know what will happen if u take these pill over time? I remain silent and tears wells up in my eyes. Her tone change alittle as I didn't speak up. She Pick up her phone by her tote bag, I am going to call your dad now. Aunt! Please dont and kneel down . I'm really sorry . Dont tell me sorry I want to hear why are you doing all this. Aunt I want to be a girl and I hate being a boy..I dont look like a boy anyway but I feel happy when I'm dress up as a girl. I took the pills because I know it is female hormones and I wanted it so badly. Hearing this my aunt move towards me and held me up and lead me to the side of her bed and sat me down. Ok Shawn but birth control pill are not the right medication for this. Also your dad will probably kill you when he see you like this. But Aunt I couldn't help it I just wanted to feel happy. I am always bullied and isolated in school. My peer call me a fag, ah gua, gay all this nasty words I didn't took it to heart but it still hurt me when I'm feeling lonely and what makes me happy every day is to know that I have a private time be look like what I think I should be like..

At this point my tears was pouring and my makeup smudged my aunt place her arms around my shoulder and give me a hug. Shawn if you wanted to live like this then you have to do it the right way and all the way. You need to think about the things that will happen in the future if you take this path and dont regret it. You know it's better being a guy. Being the stronger sex you have a lots of benefit and privileges. Being female you will be the weaker sex over Male. Shawn I think you are old and mature enough to think for yourself. Aunt will be supportive in whatever decision u make but taking this path your dad will be someone you will be having tough time with. I nodded and remove the female clothes and makeup change into my boy clothes and return to my room. I lied on my bed and have a long thought.......

Scene 1

During that time, I had a online friend whom i known for a while from the picture posted on his social media he looks mature and was probably in his 40s. I have been chatting with him for quite a while exchanging picture of myself dress and he return some picture of him. I was feeling down that day my mind is floating as all this thoughts flooded my mind and I just want to stop thinking about it...after listening to my issues, he ask me to come out to have a chat. I dont really like to meet people who knows that I'm a CD but he was really a nice man from the conversation we had and he told me that he really wish to see me as a girl. I finally agree as he make me feel like I am a girl patience, loving and nice..

To be continued................

[hairproductstoregrowhairs]

Regrow Hair Home Remedies

A great deal of people generally have a very random idea of exactly what exactly are baldness causes and treatments. Whenever you contemplate it, the vast majority of people lose their hair not because they have been experiencing a medical condition, however as they aren't eating a balanced eating plan or getting enough rest and exercise. This may be the first issue that you should know when it comes to losing your hairloss. There aren't any underlying causes, it's normally hereditary or caused by a hormonal imbalance in the body.

As for hair loss causes, there are several major ones out there you might choose to think about altering your lifestyle in order to avoid. First, you have to expel anything that has an inordinate quantity of compounds in it, whether they're found in shampoos, conditioners, hair sprays, or any other related products. When this is executed, you are setting yourself up for more problems. You wish to also make an effort to prevent drinking excessive caffeine in tea and coffee, in addition to any other form of caffeine based drinks. You should also limit your intake of meat and fat, which are both potent dietary sources of vitamin A.

Yet another one of the best hair loss causes is a deficiency of important vitamins and minerals. You need magnesium and calcium, in addition to B vitamins to maintain your hair growing. You can obtain the vitamins by eating sea vegetables or leafy green vegetables, or choosing supplements.  Other important minerals contain potassium, that may be seen in carrots and certain fruits, and calcium, that may be obtained through various dairy products and dietary plan. These are simply a couple instances of proper nutrition can help fight baldness thinning.

Some people have discovered that certain drugs, such as contraceptive pills and anti depressants, subscribe to hair loss. If you're on any type of medication that might affect your hormones, like the birth control pills or pill, you should visit a health care provider immediately. There could be a severe problem that has to be handled. Hormone-altering drugs may result in thinning hair and even baldness, so you should just make use of them under clinical supervision. If your hair is thinning fast, you should speak to your physician right away.

How To Regrow Hair Natural

Many prescription drugs can also cause loss of hairloss. An instance is Finasteride, which is useful for treating enlarged prostates, such as prostate cancer.  It can cause a temporary shedding of the hair on its own, however when taken in conjunction with other medications, it may lead to complete balding. Certain types of chemotherapy drugs may also lead to the thinning of hair, as well as hormone treatments for menopause. That means you ought to talk with your physician if you're about any of these sorts of medications, as well as every other medicines that you are taking, especially if you are on birth control pills or even with other forms of hormonal therapy.

The daily diet of the typical person is just another one of the main hair loss causes. The majority of people now live a rapid, hectic way of life, and cannot present their own bodies sufficient time to heal and recuperate from regular stresses. Consequently, your human body's immune system becomes weak and its own ability to produce healthy hair gets worse. This process begins as early as puberty and continues all through life. By the time someone turns half, their own hair is frequently thinning and falling out, as well as becoming thinner over time.

Poor nutrition is another variable. People in poor environments often eat very little nutritious food and may lack necessary vitamins and minerals needed for their own bodies to work properly. Even people who eat a balanced diet mightn't obtain the right level of certain vitamins and minerals throughout their foods. This can then develop in their own systems, inducing the body to work improperly. 1 easy solution to help prevent this from happening would be to make sure that you obtain plenty of water daily, in addition to foods rich in protein and iron, such as chicken and steak.

The causes of hair loss may vary, but a majority of them can be tracked to at least one or two different sources: genetics or a poor diet. If your genetic composition makes it more likely you'll lose your hair, then you should absolutely take the required measures to reverse it. There are various products out there to help you out, so spend the time to learn about them, and find the one that works right for you. It's well worth it to really feel confident that you're doing everything you can to preserve your own hair even in older age.

Hair loss causes a feeling of embarrassment and low self esteem for guys, especially those who are in their prime. It is a difficult predicament for all to accept that something such as hair fall could happen and it is frequently a source of humiliation and frustration. There are many products available on the marketplace all that provide a solution for this frequent problem. The question then, what type do you select? What product or treatments are effective for the type of hair loss? Fortunately we'll discuss a few of the very common causes and solutions that are out there today.

Can Lost Hair Come Back

First let's start with everything you can do about hair loss. One thing that has been proven time again is the hair thinning, at least some degree may be reversed should not stopped altogether. Some treatments have a better impact on reversing the process compared to others. Let us go over a few of these.

You might choose to try supplements. Some of the very popular ones to look into are saw palmetto and nettle root.  They're vitamins which have been found to control DHT, and it is a male hormone that will donate to balding.  This works by blocking a particular enzyme which DHT uses to crack down the hair follicle.

Yet another aspect to think about is a big change in life. This one is pretty obvious.  Cut out as many processed foods that you're consuming. They have been full of sodium and other compounds that contribute to loss. Also be sure you have a great deal of exercise also.

Now onto the mysterious hair thinning causes. One is genetics. You have likely heard you might be fate bound to reduce your own hair but does genetics play a role in this? Well, it can. Research has demonstrated that it can.

If you're a male who has had a male pattern hair loss for more than forty years, there's really a good probability that your hair-thinning began as a result of one's genetics. Men who lose their own hair in life usually realize that their hair will return punctually. But, for women, hair will continue to keep falling out till they reach their late twenties.

One of the most controversial hair loss causes would be stress. There is just a huge connection between hair loss and stress. If you go through major life changes such as a marriage or childbirth, you're more likely to suffer with stress. If you do not pay attention to the truth that it usually takes its toll on your own hair too. In order to resist such a stress, you need to learn to relax and calm down yourself.

If you are searching for remedies, you'll find that a number require you to check no farther in the kitchen. For instance one popular remedy is named peppermint and lime head massage. It's a technique that'll allow you to relax your scalp and give you some relief from the strain on your life. Lots of people believe that by massaging the scalp you are stimulating blood circulation. This may help to keep your hair growing and healthy.

Still another one of the frequent baldness causes is the hormone DHT. This hormone is formed by testosterone. When testosterone is lower it's going to cause hair follicles to shut and this can result in hair thinning. Minoxidil is a medication that may prevent DHT from carrying its toll on your scalp and will allow your hair follicles to start again.

Regrowing Hair Naturally

A third hair loss cause can result from the manner that you shampoo your hair. Each shampoo will contain ingredients that will either strip out your hair or let it acquire greasy. Both are not good for the hair and will result in more hair falling out. You need to come across shampoo that has natural ingredients inside that'll give your hair nutrition rather than stripping it out.

The past of the hair loss causes, has just a bit more to do with your diet than anything else. A diet that's full of protein can help your hair to grow and will also cause hair to become stronger. This means that if it does fallout it will be thinner than usual. This means that you will need to be certain you have a balanced diet that's full of nourishment so as to avoid this problem from occurring.

Click Now For Further Info:

http://healinghandsofenergy.com/regrow-hair-products/

[lovemesomesurveys]

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? I don’t like anyone in that way.

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? No. The last one they celebrated with me was six years ago.

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? “Will”

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? Not in a good way.

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? Lithium by Nirvana. Especially a cover of it done by ThePeteBox.

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? No.

How do you behave when you’re drunk? I was chatty and annoying I feel like.

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? Dark chocolate, blech.

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? I’ve felt disappointed in myself these past few years.

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? My doggo.

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. No.

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? That would be completely random and out of the blue. I haven’t seen or talked to him in almost 6 years. I would certainly be surprised and confused and caught off guard. I wouldn’t go out and talk to him, though. I wouldn’t want him to see me right now. I honestly don’t know if I’d text him at least or not.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I don’t remember. My mind is a jumbled mess.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Nope.

Are you okay right now? I’m tired.

What time did you get up today? Sigh, like 930 after hardly sleeping at all.

When was the last time you saw your mom? Last night before she went to bed. She had the opening shift at work today so I haven’t seen her yet today.

What is the last thing you drank today? Water.

Do you dislike/hate anyone? No.

Where is your best friend right now? She’s at work.

When will your next kiss be? I have no idea.

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? 7AM is usually when I go to bed. :X

Does anyone completely understand you? I was just asked this in the previous survey I did, but no.

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? A friend. That was like 4 years ago.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? My doggo.

What will you be doing in 3 hours? *shrug*

How often do you straighten your hair? I haven’t straightened my hair in years.

What are you currently looking forward to? To when my mom gets off work because I’m gonna ask if she can get me a Starbucks on her way home. I’m also hungry and wanting a breakfast sandwich, so I’ll probably have one later. She’s not off for 5 more hours. D:

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? I don’t have anything out of the ordinary going on.

Who did you last hang out with? My mom.

Did anyone see your last kiss? Probably.

Could things possibly get any better? Uh, I sure wish they would.

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? Nope.

Do you ever sleep in jeans? I haven’t in years, but I have before in the past. I don’t know how I did that. I’ve been living in leggings for the past few years and I can’t imagine doing that now.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? I only got like 2-3 hours of sleep.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? Yesterday I got like 10 hours, which is insane. My brother came in and woke me up because it was after 6PM. I never get that much sleep anymore, so I have no idea what that was about. But now today I only slept like 2-3 hours. I tried going back to sleep, but couldn’t and now here I am. Sigh.

Are you in love lately? That’s a weird way of saying it, but no. It’s been a few years since I’ve had those kind of feelings.

How often do you see your ex? I haven’t seen him in almost 6 years.

Who was the last person to text you? My pharmacy.

Did you like anyone last summer? No.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? All the time.

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My brother and I stay up late all the time, though we’re in our own rooms.

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? Not at this time.

Are you currently in a relationship? No.

Do you use a full length mirror daily? No.

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? I don’t have feelings like that for anyone.

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Yes. I have to fix myself first, though.

What are you planning on doing after this? I’m waiting for my church’s livestream service to start in like 30 minutes.

Is there a girl you would do anything for? I’d do a lot for my mom.

Who IMed you on facebook last? I had been messaging a family friend a couple weeks ago about something.

How old are you? 31.

Do you love dogs? Yesssss. I don’t know how anyone couldn’t.

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? The first one came out when I was 12 and the last one came out when I was 22.

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? No, just the Disney ones.

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Sure.

Have you ever watched an episode of "The Honeymooners"? Nope.

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No, just flat tops.

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t own any rain boots.

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Neither, but if I had to I’d choose the apple cause I don’t like oranges.

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? I can’t do either one.

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yeah, for choir and band concerts. Never by myself. 

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? No.

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size.

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Not even close.

Do you sleep in PJs? I always wear leggings and graphic tees and sleep in that as well.

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Depends on my mood, but I haven’t been listening to music lately.

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? There are some movies I love experiencing in theaters for the first time. 

Do you prefer brown or white rice? Neither.

Do you like spaghetti? Yes.

What about lasagna? Not so much. It’s the type of noodle I have an issue with. I’m weird and particular about my food and when it comes to pasta, I like thin noodles.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Yesss.

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? No, it’s in November.

Do you like chocolate bars? Sure. 

what about ice cream? Sure. I haven’t had either one in awhile, though. 

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? No, thankfully.

Do you get tired easily? I’m just always tired.

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? Hahahah, no.

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? Yeah, I’ve done a lot of volunteer work. What about court-ordered community service? No.

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) No. I’ve always been too scared.

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? No. 

Are your ears pierced? How many times? Just my earlobes.

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? Yes.

Or were you born blonde? Nope.

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? Ugh, once I turned 30 they started popping up.

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nope.

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No.

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes.

Did you have your tonsils taken out? Nope.

Did you have your appendix taken out? No.

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them.

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I don’t know if I could, like health wise.

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? skjflsfjklds nooooooo.

Do you like Harry Potter? I enjoyed the movies.

What about Twilight? I was really into Twilight back when the books and movies were coming out, but I outgrew it and find it kinda cringe now lol. How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I never got into that.

Are you going to see 'The Hobbit' when it comes out? ---

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian' on it? No.

Do you have any collector's glasses or cups or mugs? I do.

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Black.

What size shoe do you wear? 6 in women’s (US). Each of my Adidas are actually a 3 or 4 in kid’s sizes, though.

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Average, I guess.

Do you bite your nails when you're stressed? I pick and clip my nails constantly.

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No.

Are you on the birth control pill? Nope.

Or are you trying to get pregnant? Absolutely not. I’m just not sexually active, so.

You'd rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Black.

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Shockingly, yes.

Can you swim well in water way above your head? I can’t swim.

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No.

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No.

What about a tornado? Nope. 

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m closer to my mom.

Were you your parents' first born? I’m their first together, but not my mom’s. She had my older brother before meeting my dad.

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No.

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No.

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was 9 and his name was Philip. 

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Vaguely. 

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? No.

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Nope. I haven’t drank in 8 years and have no desire to.

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called "Mr. Dressup"? Nope.

What about the kids show "Fred Penner's Place"? Nope.

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? No.

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I was born healthy.

What are those 'said' health issues? –

Do you collect DVDs? No. I don’t have that many.

Do you download music? Nope. I’ve just used Spotify the past several years now.

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, I have’t done that in yearssss.

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No.

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? EW, noooooo.

Didn't you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah.

Have you ever played dodgeball? Ugh, yes. I hated dodgeball. I don’t find having a ball thrown at me to be fun at all. I was always scared of getting hit in the face.

What about Red Rover? Yes.

Have you ever played "What time is it mr. wolf?"? It doesn’t sound familiar.

Do you hate your weight? Yes.

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? I do.

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter, hands down. I don’t get the hype of Nutella.

Have you ever stepped on a snail? Gahhhh, I’ve run over one before.

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? I like both.

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? I only wear ankle socks.

Last movie you've seen in theaters? The Invisible Man. That was almost. a year ago now. I miss going to the theater.

What is your oldest sibling's middle name? I’m not sharing that.

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? I have been to Disneyland several times, I love it. I’d love to go to Disney World someday.

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? No.

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I definitely wouldn’t go alone.

Do you like breadsticks? I do.

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? I never wear shorts, I’m a leggings gal.

What state were you born in? California. 

Have you ever had a nose bleed? Nooo, thankfully. I would freak out.

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Still live there.

Do you have a weak stomach? Yes.

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes.

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? No.

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? No. Definitely not cut out for that.

Do you *really* like donuts? Yesss.

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? Not to me.

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Uh, NO, absolutely not. The only people I text and text me are my parents, brother, and my Nana....

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Food, coffee, clothes.

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I don’t like anyone in that way.

What do you usually order on a pizza? *finishing this hours later from when I started* White sauce, feta and ricotta cheese, garlic, spinach, crumbled meatballs, and pesto. Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? I’m single.

Who's the first person with the letter "m" in your contacts? My mom.

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Puppy. 

How old will you be on your next birthday? 32.

What color are your underwear? Blue.

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Yes.

[eldritchsurveys]

1083.

Do you have a vlog? If not, have you ever considered starting a vlog? >> I don’t have a vlog and I’ve only considered it as a humorous thought exercise, not seriously. My own mannerisms and facial tics embarrass me when I’m aware of them or can see them on video, so I’d rather not put myself through that.

Did you go to AM or PM kindergarten? >> I don’t remember. Edit: I think at one point I was going to pre-K in the morning and kindergarten in the afternoon, because they realised I was precocious or whatever, but they didn’t want to just fully skip me to kindergarten (idfk, man, teachers are weird). So I went to both at the same time, and graduated from both at the end of the year.

What are your favorite youtube channels to watch? >> Wisecrack, Overly Sarcastic Productions, The Take, Philosophy Tube, ContraPoints, Ethys Asher, MTQCapture (just for FFXIV dungeon guides, but hers are the best), Final Fantasy Union, Implicitly Pretentious, NakeyJakey, Ask a Mortician... those are all the ones I can remember off the top of my head. I’m always looking for new channels, but it’s hard to find consistently interesting and well-made content that isn’t about things I just don’t particularly care about.

Which relative(s) do you look the most like? >> ---

Have you ever watched a live birth video? >> No.

Have you ever given birth? >> Heavens, no.

Do you remember when the Internet was a new thing? >> I vaguely remember when Internet for the casual at-home user became a thing. The Internet as a whole is a bit older than me, and I was very young when things like IRC came out.

Do you remember Y2K? >> Yes!

How old were you when the year changed to 2000? >> I was 12.

What was your favorite childhood vacation? >> ---

Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender? >> I did think I was binary trans for a few years. Now I’m completely off the gender axis and floating in todash space somewhere. As intended.

What’s your birth order: oldest, middle, or youngest? >> I am the youngest of my father’s offspring.

Do you fit the stereotype for whatever birth order you are? >> I think if there’s any stereotype I’d be liable to fit, it’d be only-child stereotypes, since that’s how I was raised (my father’s other children were decades older than me and I barely knew them).

Have you ever worn overalls? >> Yeah.

If you’re a girl, how old were you when you started your period? >> I’m not a girl, but I was 11 or so.

Do you get cramps? >> I did. Awful ones, too, the kind that would incapacitate me (sometimes in public...). Which is the primary reason why I started taking the Pill -- I didn’t dare to hope that it would get rid of periods altogether, but I was very relieved and happy when it did.

Is your mom mentally stable? >> ---

Is your dad a complete jerk to you? >> ---

Where do you want to go on vacation next? >> I would love to go on a vacation to anywhere, but that’s not feasible right now.

What is one place you want to visit before you die? >> *shrug*

Has anyone ever committed suicide in your town, that you know of? >> I mean, I’m sure someone has, but I don’t know anything about it.

What’s your favorite type of crackers? >> Oh, god, I forgot what they’re called. But they’re long and thin and rectangular and they come in flavours like garlic and rosemary. Also, matzo. Love matzo, particularly the egg and onion kind.

What’s your favorite spice? >> I really couldn’t say.

Are you sensitive? >> Way more so than I’d thought I was. Turns out a complex system of protections and defense mechanisms was shielding a very soft core. (Thank god. As much as they can and do backfire and cause their own problems, can you imagine how much worse off I would have been without those mechanisms?)

Are you intuitive? >> I don’t know, really. How does one measure that?

Are you spiritual? >> Maybe. I don’t really know what people mean when they use that word, so I’m hesitant to say one way or the other.

Do you wish your life were easier? >> My life isn’t particularly difficult at this juncture. I just have... a very small window of tolerance and take things a lot harder as a result. I don’t wish my life was easier, I wish my brain was less on fire.

What color hair did your first crush have? >> ---

What was the name of your first crush? >> ---

Did you ever play on Mamamedia.com? >> No.

Do you remember your first email address? >> Yeah, it was ozonebaby30@yahoo.com.

Did you name your lego characters? >> I didn’t have LEGO. I had Tinker Toys and an Erector set, neither of which came with little people iirc.

What was/is your high school’s mascot? >> ---

What is/was your favorite class in high school? >> ---

Is college an adventure? >> ---

Do you take medication for anxiety or depression? If so, does it work? Does it help you? Or does it make you feel worse? >> I do not.

If applicable, what form of birth control do you use? >> The Pill. Not for the birth-control function, though... not having sex covers that pretty well.

Who is your favorite cousin? >> ---

Do you look your age? >> According to other people, who apparently care about that sort of thing, no.

What’s your favorite flavor of frosting? >> ---

Do you like toe socks? >> No.

Muffins or cupcakes? >> Cupcakes, but rarely. I just don’t like muffins period.

Have you ever had a bag stolen? >> Probably.

How old were you when you got your first phone? >> Seventeen.

Are you ready for summer?!?! >> I will be in a couple of months, you can guarantee that.

Is winter your favorite season? >> No.

How many people do you know who’ve said winter is their favorite season? >> Quite a few, actually. I feel like I’ve encountered far more winter people than summer people. I see people complaining about warm weather constantly. I will never understand (even as a person who runs hot, I will still never understand). Even with the side effect of getting SAD in the winter, I love being solar powered.

Are you unique in any way? >> I mean, probably.

Do you have any hidden talents? >> No.

Has anyone said you and your mom look like sisters? >> ---

Who was your best friend in high school? >> ---

What book or movie gave you nightmares as a child? >> None.

What song makes you cry? >> Plenty, but I can’t think of one right now.

Does anyone know who your first crush was besides you? >> ---

How many teachers have you had crushes on? >> I was thinking about this last night. Calling the obsession I had with that one teacher a “crush” is erroneous because... the reason why I felt the way I felt about him is because he was nice to me. Literally, that was it. I was freshly traumatised (and being in and out of the hospital was just re-traumatising me), had an attachment disorder and was emotionally neglected, and was used to being treated poorly. When I told That One Teacher that I cut myself, he gave me a hug. Like... groundbreaking! No one else had responded that way! Of course I was attached to him, he actually treated me like someone who deserved kindness and care. It’s really hard not to feel crushingly sad for teenage!me (and, as an extension, current!me, who is still bearing the effects of the past) when I think about that.

Did you make your Barbie dolls get crushes on each other? >> I don’t really remember what I did with Barbie dolls.

Did your Barbie dolls go on dates? >> ^

How old were you when you had your first kiss? >> ---

Do you like church? >> Eh. Depends on the church, I guess. I’ll always have affection for Black Church(tm).

Do you have scars from self-harm? >> Yep.

Do you have cellulite? >> A little, I think.

How old were you when you started getting zits? >> I had them through my teenage years.

Did your hair change at all when you went through puberty? >> I don’t think so.

Are you taller, shorter, or the same height as your mom? >> I’ve been taller than that woman since I was 12.

Would you ever consider adopting a child? >> If I was ever going to raise a child, this would be the only way it’d happen.

Who was your first roommate? >> ---

Have you ever had a teacher who was rude? >> Yup.

Is your mom paranoid? >> ---

Do you trim your own hair? >> I buzz my own head, yeah.

Did your mom read you bedtime stories as a child? >> I was not read bedtime stories as a child. I made up my own in my head instead.

What are all the things you remember being for Halloween? >> ---

What was the name of the first pet that you loved? >> Roxie.

Did you have your own room as a child? >> I did.

What color was your nursery? >> ---

Did your parents know your gender before you were born? >> I don’t know.

What is your name (first and middle)? >> Mordred Shadow.

What would you have been named if you had been born the opposite gender? >> My name isn’t related to what my parent named me, and I have no idea what he would have named me if I was born the opposite sex.

Do you like your name? >> I like the one I gave myself, yes.

What would you name your children? >> ---

Do you exercise regularly? >> I’m again trying to do the take-a-daily-walk thing. Again. I fail every time, but I keep trying. Can Calah says there’s something good about that, better than failing and giving up on ever doing it again. I don’t know, but I’ll trust him on it.

Do you have a healthy BMI? >> I don’t know.

What is your favorite season? >> Spring.

Do you look like your mom? >> ---

What is the origin of your last name? >> I have no idea. I assumed that in this world, Stephen King made it up, but maybe he didn’t. The “canonical” origin of my last name is Gilead-That-Was.

What is the meaning of your first name? >> It’s unclear.

What month were you born in? >> May.

Do you share a birthday with anyone in your family? >> ---

Do you have a sweet tooth? >> Nope.

What photo editing software do you use? >> I either use Paint to just resize or crop an image, or Pixlr if I need extra editing tools.

Where do you buy most of your clothes? >> There is no place where I buy the majority of my clothes. They come from all over.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[bethsteaclub]

My First GB

Some of you have asked me to write about my first time having sex but that was really boring and by the books. He was my first bf in high school and the first guy to ask me out. We were in the same edgy anime, punk rock friend group at school. We didn’t really click but I was a huge nerd in high school and was very flattered to get asked out at all. I had a fairly big glow up the last few year. High school me was a dork and I looked and acted the part. He was my first partner and it was nothing to write home about.

So instead I’m going to tell you about my first gang bang. Which actually wasn’t too long after my first time It was about 3 months later. First I should say this experience was when I was a minor and it was with adults. At the time and now looking back it was mutual and I don’t hold too many bad feelings about the experience. That being said it was adults taking advantage of me when I lacked the experience and knowledge I do now. This might upset some of you but now I am over it and have met and hooked up with some of these men as recently as a year ago. So I am over the issues it all brings.

Ok, so I was about 15/16 years old and staying over night at my friends house for her birthday. There was 5 of us including my friend staying over for the party. I drew the short straw and had to sleep on the ground which was very uncomfortable for me. Around 1am after they had gone to bed I decided I was going to go downstairs and get some water. My friend also told me if I can’t fall asleep on the ground I can sleep on the couch downstairs.

When I get down there my friends dad had some of his friends over and they had ben drinking. I ran into him in the kitchen and he asked me how the party was and if I couldn’t sleep. Your basic small talk. I know some of you are probably wondering what I was wearing. Well it was nothing special at all. Basic underwear and pyjama bottoms and a loose t-shirt. Plus bed head. I wasn’t looking like any kind of snack I assure you of that.

Following our small talk he asks me if I can carry out some beers for him since he had to carry a bunch. I helped him out and go to the back patio where his friends are. There was 5 all together including my friends dad. They had been drinking and chatting for hours by that point and they were clearly tipsy but still very much ok. I know this is a normal night for them in the summer. Sitting out there chatting and drinking is how they like to spend their time.

I go out and I can tell most of them are thinking “Why is she here?”. My friends dad tells them I was helping carry some beers out and one of them asks me to sit with them. The others overall seem reluctant but he and my friends dad insisted so I did. Nothing was too weird after I joined them. They just chatted with each other about this and that till my friends dad offered me beer. It was the middle of summer and it was really hot outside even at night. I considered water but I wanted to drink with them. I had stolen alcohol from my parents and others before but never had an adult offer it to me till this point. I wasn’t sure but decided to have some. They started to ask me questions about school and life.

I can now looking back and see where they started to condition and lead me into what happened. My friends dad got closer and more touchy and he was saying how I’m more “mature” than the other girls. Through their questions I let out that I had a bf not long before then and that he was my first time. They teased me in a fun playful way about it and made me feel comfortable about telling them all that.  He also at the same time worked in how hot it is outside eventually leading to how I must be hot. He asked me if was wearing anything under my pyjamas. When I told him I was wearing underwear, he told me how I would feel more comfortable if I took off my pyjamas bottoms and that my t-shirt is long enough to cover me up. Which the rest of them also agreed with. I told him how it would be weird to take it off in front of them and how I don’t think my t-shirt is actually long enough.

Through the alcohol and them not making me feel weird about it I went around the side of the house and took it off. Looking back they made sure I didn’t go inside to do it and made sure I was still outside so I wouldn’t get cold feet and back out. When I took my bottoms off I noticed how my t-shirt really wasn’t long enough. It barely went past my butt, but it was too late. I was already standing there outside holding my pyjamas bottoms in my hand. I walk around the corner as confident as I could tugging my t-shirt down as much as I could. They cheered when they saw me and I lifted my pyjamas bottoms in my hand over my head and shook it in celebration with them. When I went to sit down I was embarrassed by how short my t-shirt was but they didn’t seem to notice or say anything about how short it was. They focused mostly on complementing me. They told me how nice my skin is and how pretty I am and how mature I am. How other girls my age wouldn’t hangout with them like that. All while my friends dad keeps giving me more beer and gets more handsy with me. Having been a nerd that no guys had an interest in had me over the moon. I was extremely flattered.

Before I knew it I was making out with my friends dad. When I say making out I mean MAKING OUT! None of that teen crap. Full on adult French kissing with his tongue down my throat and his hands all over me. He pulled me right into him and started to try and lift me up onto his lap facing him. I become more aware of myself when he tries to do that and I remember how short my tshirt is and how there’s a bunch of them watching this. He tells me not to worry about them and pulls me onto his lap anyways. Now I’m sitting on his lap facing him with my pantie butt out in the open for them all to see. All while we kiss and he grabs at my body. I feel someone other than him touch my butt and I break out of my trance. He tells me how I should kiss the others too. How it’s rude for him to hog me.

Before I know it I’m getting pushed off his lap and I’m standing with 2 of the others who suddenly take my t-shirt off. I wasn’t wearing a bra so my boobs where out in the air now. When I realized I went to cover them with my hands but one of them were already on me kissing me. While I was busy with that one of them pulled my underwear down. I could then feel them all grabbing at me and they turned my head this way and that to kiss me. I was dizzy and had spit all over my face when it all suddenly stopped and my friends dad told me how they want to continue but it’s up to me if they do. How if I want to be a good sport I would let them continue and not tell anyone. I was drunk, dizzy and extremely horny from what they had already done to me. I had no idea what was coming so I said yes. Then began the next 4 hours which now looking back really set the tone for the rest of my life.

My friends dad pushed me onto the table, turned me around, picked me up and placed me on the table. He then took off the panties which have been at my feet this whole time. He then revealed his penis. Which for my today wouldn’t be much of a big deal. But to me back then it was a whole other thing entirely. It was nothing like the virgin teen dick I had 3 months prior. This was an experienced adult dick. A dick that fathered 3 children. I was not ready but I was in for the crash course. He slammed it into me with no remorse whatsoever. I can’t imagine the face I made but I’m sure I made many like it over the year. I groaned so intently and let out all my breath as he entered me. I had groaned loud enough that one of the others suddenly placed their hand over my mouth. But the experience was too intense for me to hold back or worry about that. I kept moaning and groaning. He came hard only my stomach. Before he could even finish one of the others dragged me off the table and pushed me to my knees so I could give him a blow job.

I could still feel my friends dads dick inside my pussy but I was already giving a sloppy blowjob. The 5 of them had their way with me, either with my pussy or my mouth or both at the same time. That is until one of them wanted to take my anal virginity and but wanted to do it right. He took me to the bathroom to give me my first enema. Which is something I do almost daily now. I can’t speak for what he did exactly because I was very much not in my head at that point but I do remember it working well enough and him fucking my ass in the tub with my top half slouched out of the tub. I also remember not being a fan of anal when he did do that. My little butt was not ready for an adult dick in there and for sure not someone so aggressive. Once he had carefully taken my anal virginity he took me back to the other who were annoyed with him for hogging me. On the other hand they were very happy with what he had done to my ass. They then continued to double penetrate me and fuck me silly till a little after 6am. They then all left and my friends dad cleaned me up in the shower got me dressed and gave me one of his wife’s birth control pills. I fell asleep on the couch to get woken up by my friends dad about an hour later. No one had gotten up like he expected yet and he was horny again.

He pounded me into the couch. I was not in the best condition when my friends woke up. I was loopy to say the least due to no sleep, still being very drunk and well…all the fucking. My friends dad dropped me back home with the others thinking I wasn’t feeling well. He made sure to tell me its our secret. I left in and didn’t wake up till about 4pm that day. It all felt like a dream when I did finally wake up but I could still feel them on and in my body. I didn’t like it and felt gross but also at the same time it made me really wet. Following that time I was with my friends dad 2 more times and 2 of the others a few times as well. I was never with all 5 of them at the same time again. Thats the best way I can put what happened to me that night. It was a lot of firsts for me and I still think about it all the time.

[purplesurveys]

953

How old are you? 22.

Do you live in North America? No, kinda far from there.

Do you love dogs? I love all dogs, but there are breeds I personally don’t like.

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? Not at all, I was right smack in the middle of it. I wasn’t born when the first book got released and only 13 when Part 2 of HP7 came out.

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? I don’t think my parents did. But this reminds me of a cute story my dad shared recently; he had used his first salary to buy a VCR and the first VHS he bought alongside it was Terminator 2 and then he watched it with my grandma :’) Stories like that make me wish they were better at keeping stuff from their early adulthood. I find it all very interesting.

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? I’ve only seen him in The Shining and have watched only bits of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but it’s enough for me to like him.

Have you ever watched an episode of "The Honeymooners"? No.

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? Yes, a red pair. I bought it mostly because my favorite girl wrestler (when she still wrestled) wore Chucks as her wrestling boots which was super badass at the time (honestly still is). When she retired, I stopped using the pair because I was personally never into the high-top look hahaha, and I think my mom gave it away a few years later.

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I don’t have any rain boots. It rarely floods where I live anyway.

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Probably the apple. I can’t stand the smell of oranges so I doubt my mind could be changed with how it tastes.

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? I’d go with cartwheels as it’s a little easier to move around underwater, and with enough practice I’m sure I could get a backflip down.

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes.

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? No. But I also don’t think we had goths lmao. I wasn’t afraid of anyone except probably for the bitchy seniors who always seemed to hate the idea of younger students existing.

What size is your mattress? (single,twin,double,queen,king) Twin, which I think is synonymous with single lol.

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? I eat from all of them everyday except for fruits, but I’m not sure if they’re a group of their own. The charts are always changing and I don’t know what four you’re referring too :/

Would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home? I liked going to the theater, especially for certain movies that I was really excited about and wanted to see. There’s certain ones you definitely have to experience in theaters. Then there’s some where I’m like, “Eh, it looks like it might be kinda good, but I can wait until it’s out of theaters to see it.” < All this.

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White.

Do you like spaghetti? Sure! There are other pastas I like more, though.

What about lasagna? It’s okay. It’s a hit or miss for me. Some lasagna dishes I’ve had have tasted a bit cheap, but when it’s made well it can be really delicious.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Yeah, but I find it more of an escape than a celebration because I tend to get the most depressed around Christmas season. Being with family and getting to eat lots of food and using my new gifts can be distracting enough. 

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? We don’t celebrate that.

Do you like chocolate bars? If it has peanut butter in it, yes.

What about ice cream? Only certain flavors.

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Nothing other than ants and jellyfish.

Do you have GOD-GIVEN (not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have black hair but I think I inherited it from my parents...

Or were you born blonde? See above.

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I remember my mom finding one on me when I was like 11, but it never happened again.

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Nopes.

Have you ever been screened for STDs? No.

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? They aren’t. I don’t know when it’ll happen to me lol, that area of my mouth has never had any trouble or been in pain.

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No.

Did you have your appendix taken out? No. Other than a tooth, no body parts have been taken out of me.

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) See above.

Would you (to save someone)? If the person needing one means so so so so so so so much to me. And that narrows down the list very much, so I wouldn’t give a kidney to just anyone.

If you were dying of starvation, would you eat another human? Probably, but only if I was in an extreme situation. Like if a plane I was in crashed in a remote island lol.

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? I don’t think so.

Do you like Harry Potter? No.

What about Twilight? Read all books and watched all movies more times than I can count.

How do you feel about Lord of the rings? Bored me to death. I remember the disappointment I felt when I started The Hobbit and realized I wouldn’t be able to make it past the first page.

Are you going to see 'The Hobbit' when it comes out? I did not.

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian' on it? No, I’ve never heard of that.

Do you have any collector's glasses or cups or mugs? My mom has Starbucks mugs which I know some people collect.

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel.

What size shoe do you wear? My feet can fit anywhere from size 6–7.5.

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? It’s average and small.

Do you bite your nails when you're stressed? Yep. Sometimes I also use my nails themselves to fidget with the other nails.

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? I don’t. When it comes to food, I’m so glad I don’t have any allergies.

Are you on the birth control pill? Nope.

Or are you trying to get pregnant? Certainly not at this point in my life.

You'd rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Neither. I like my sneakers white.

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yeah.

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? No. We only have plum soju that just tastes like kid’s medicine.

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called "Mr. Dressup"? Never have.

What about the kids show "Fred Penner's Place"? No.

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? I mean it wasn’t my favorite since I didn’t have access to the show and only saw snippets here and there, but I don’t have anything against it at all. I just liked other kid’s shows more.

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some (or a lot) of health issues? Other than my dehydration issues as a newborn, I was a pretty healthy baby.

What are those 'said' health issues? My parents didn’t know I was lactose intolerant so my body wasn’t actually digesting the milk I was fed for a few weeks, and it eventually became a problem when I got dehydrated and my stomach started deflating like crazy. 

Do you collect DVDs? I wouldn’t say I collected them as a kid. I just liked having DVDs of my favorite movies, but I didn’t make it a goal to have hundreds of them.

Do you download music? I did, but I haven’t for a while now.

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? I don’t do that anymore. Everything is online.