#confsessionsofayoungaduleemogoth justanotherdiary depression life breakup storytime lichenplanus lp lifetimediseases fuckedup

[aestheticallysamilouise-blog]

April 30th, 2017

Hello everyone,

    My name is Sami Louise and I'm just your pretty average typical young adult emo/goth/scene/punk/alternative/what the hell ever you would like to call me, person. I've decided to make a visible online blog for everyone to read so I could get my thoughts and ideas out in the world. Maybe it will help me to not want to kill myself so much. No, I'm not joking. I'm an ex-cutter and for the first time in a long time I am being forced to actually deal with my shit myself while trying not to slice myself up.

    I guess for my first entry I should basically summarize how my life is going right now.

    My life took a massive shit on me back in November of last year. November 23rd to be exact. I remember because it was my mother's birthday and the night before Thanksgiving. My boyfriend of four years (with a minor 7 month break due to me and my fear of commitment) was supposed to be coming over. I cleaned my room. I woke from a nap and it was 6pm..no messages from him. I felt this terrible dread in my stomach, like something was wrong but I just didn't know what. I texted him.

“Hey when are you coming over?” I texted him.

“I've been thinking a lot lately.”

Oh no. I thought.

“Good or bad thoughts...?”

“Bad.”

“About...us?”

“Yeah.”

    I at this point call him because my heart was imploding in my chest. I couldn't think straight. I told him I couldn't understand what he was saying because he was crying so hard. I told him I was coming over (which was a half hour drive for me.) to pick up all of my things and talk about this in person. I mean, he owed me just that. If he was going to finally end this after a good long four years, it was going to be in person. I remember as I was putting my shoes on I kept screaming curses. “DICK!” & “ASSHOLE!” You know, your basic insults.

     On the drive to his house I just kept thinking about how I was going to move to Colorado as soon as I save up enough money for it. I was finally ready to give into my mother's many requests and hints and join her and my brother, father, and niece out there to begin a new life. Have a fresh start. Get away from California for good. There is nothing left for me here but good, bad memories.

    It was your standard break up. He was wearing the blue plaid button up shirt I had gotten him for our Anniversary not even ten days earlier. He looked so good. It was a “It's not you it's me” type break up. He even used the ever so classic, “I love you but I'm not in love with you.” speech. I admit though, I  did punch his legs and arms a couple times. I was so mad. I cried, he cried, he held me. I sacked up, finished packing up my things & I put them in my car. We kiss goodbye and I drove off.

     Now, that same night I didn't want to be home alone because I knew for sure that if I was alone I was really going to kill myself. I hit up an old-time friend, David. I went over to his house and we talked until 1am the next morning. He made me laugh and made me feel good. David and I used to date a long time ago back in 2011. He was my one that got away and still to this day is the hottest person I've ever slept with. He ended up being a good friend of mine after I quit hating him after we broke up. I like having David in my corner fighting for me. He always has my back and is honest with me. After that night we began to hang out like every weekend there for like a month and he made me feel so invincible. His school year started up after that and we barely see each other now but I make sure that we remain talking because he will always be in my thoughts and my heart that's for sure.

    Two weeks after my ex and I broke up and we said we were going to be friends still, a mutual friend of ours gave me heads up saying that my ex had began dating someone else, I shortly found out after this that the mystery girl ended up being his band's old manager. I met her a couple times in the end. This girl apparently is so terrible that no one wants to be around her. All my mutual friends that used go to his house a lot don't really do anymore. She has MS and is apparently dying, even though I know people who have had MS and lived for a long, long time. She makes my ex do absolutely everything for her, she is a 4 in the dating scale when I am at least a 6. Well I promised my friend I wouldn't say anything. And I didn't. Until my ex started calling me out on his twitter passive aggressively. Turns out one of our mutual friends on two of my social media outlets was telling him stories about how I was fucking some guy named Luke. I know one Luke, he commented something sweet on my facebook on one of my post-breakup posts. I hadn't seen this guy for at least a year at this time. They also mentioned a snap I took of me laying on David's bed, fully clothed, make up and hair on point, talking to David. Apparently that means I was sleeping with him. After a long fight my ex and I decided to not talk anymore.  

      I left some of my things at his place since I was angerly packing I missed some things. We made a date for my to come and pick them up. I got all done up, banging actually, got my sexy ass in the car and began driving to his place. I was ready to have some closure and say goodbye. Leave him pining after what he lost but as I’m getting off the freeway he texts me saying that my stuff was in a box on his porch and I can just walk up and get them. I begged for him to come outside and say goodbye but he said apparently he wasn’t home. I got to his house and his car was there. I walked up to his porch. Grabbed my box, And went back into the car and drove home crying the whole way. We haven’t spoken since. 

    In January of this year I was diagnosed with a slightly rare skin disease called Lichen Planus.

“Lichen planus (LP) is a disease characterized by itchy reddish-purple polygon-shaped skin lesions on the lower back, wrists, and ankles.[1] It may also present with a burning sensation in the mouth, and a lattice-like network of white lines near sites of erosion (Wickham striae). The cause is unknown, but it is thought to be the result of an autoimmune process with an unknown initial trigger. There is no cure, but many different medications and procedures have been used in efforts to control the symptoms.”

    In August of  I began to get a rash all over my body after I returned from one of my ex's band's shows in Willits, Ca. I thought it was poison ivy because apparently it was all over that place. I had itchy bumps all over my body for about three months out the end of my relationship with my ex and when I was finally diagnosed after seeing four different doctors and five months all together, I texted him. I heard nothing back.

    I'm fine now, after being treated with UV rays my rash has dropped down to %80 which was the goal. It's starting to form in my mouth but that's nothing a good ointment won't take care of...results to come.

    Everything was pretty basic between then and now. I tried dating again but it ended up being pointless and just not worth my effort right now. I attempted to try and take a 23 year old virgin's Vcard  but after he tried to argue with me about how fast we were moving (making out and oral) twice, at the second time I was like fuck this, I do not have the time. So I ended that. I tried talking to a guy I met before meeting my ex and he figured that since we had sex 5 years ago then that just means we can start back up right from where we left off and got mad at me because I got mad at him for always asking for sex from me and telling him no. Nice guy. I started talking to a friend of one of the two mutual friends with the ex but even that guy ended up being a lying douche bag who only wanted sex from me too. Like, I am a person here. Not just a vagina for you to come and fuck when it's convenient for you. So I gave up on dating California boys. I'll think about picking up dating again when I move to Colorado. I hope my Colorado boy will have a beard. And a man bun. Man buns are my guilty pleasures.

    This weekend shows up and I am hanging out with a couple friends from Woodland. I was informed that my ex has married the band manager. Why? Not because of true love, no. They are married because her parents hate my ex so much that they cut her off from all the money they give her (they are rich af) and took her off of their health insurance and knowing my ex, he probably felt bad and let her talk him into getting married so she can be on his health insurance. Apparently she does heroin now too.

My ex has been ignoring my texts for almost five months now. He either reads and ignores them, deletes them right away, changed his number, or blocked mine because he never replies. I texted him today though.

“I know you're ignoring my text messages or have blocked my number from your phone or even laugh at what I send you sometimes but something about messaging this number gives me serenity at these hard times. Do I wish more than anything in this world that you would talk to me? Yes. There is so much that I want to tell you. So many good things. I think I like the silence, however. It helps me to realize how gone you are from me. That I will never have you back in my life. As much as I wish that was different. As an ex-girlfriend it makes me happy knowing the things I know but, as a friend, I am worried about you. It's so weird having such strong contradictory feelings for someone. On one hand I'm happy and on the other I worry about you on the daily. I hope that you are doing okay and when you are ready to have a true friend fighting for you in your corner, I hope you'll have the peace in your heart long enough to talk to me. I give very good advice and I'm a great listener. Anyways, I hope that you are okay.”

And no reply, of course.

    My old high school theater director passed away today. A man that taught me so much and had such an impact on my life is now gone. I hope he is finally at peace riding a huuuuuge dragon. He loves dragons.

R.I.P. Tom Fearon.

We will all miss you.