#cuz im not going to go to that country by myself at least not for a long time

[faggotwalkwithme]

ughh

[artdcnaldson]

hi boo, as promised, my dodge mason thoughts :))) i was cooking up a storm lol (its very long, apologies)

dodge mason… the cowboy that you are. i need this man more than anything. something about that man just makes me wanna be a sweet innocent christian country girl lol. this is much more cheesy and cutesy than my previous submissions, he just makes my knees weak fr (but also i need him desperately)

im attaching this (hopefully it works) cuz its exactly how i picture him here

alright, picture me this, youve just moved with your dad to this nowhere town in texas. you know no one here, theres nothing to do, youve already graduated high school before the move. its just summer, in a strange place, full of strange people.

maybe youre kind of a farmers daughter type? youve moved onto a ranch, your dad is really into rodeos and he gets you your very own horse. but hell if you know how to ride a horse that big. youd only ever ridden ponies when you were little. its sweet of your dad though, at least now you have a friend to pass the time with.

on one particularly hot day your dad decides that you should go into town a grab a cool drink and enjoy some shade. you settle on the cute looking diner, very fitting for a town like this. if you happen to notice the cute boy behind the counter you dont say anything about it. just steal a couple glances at him, maybe blush a little pink when ordering your shirley temple with an extra cherry. (tihi)

if he notices how pretty your flowy little sundress hugs your waist or sits on top of your thighs while sitting in the booth, he doesnt say anything either. he simply makes a mental note to find out your name, he's sure youre new, he wouldve remembered you if youd gone to the school senior year.

some time later he meets your dad at one of his rodeos (competitions? idk, i am not a country girl yall). spots him in the crowd, sees his opportunity to find out your name. they get to chatting, your dads all too happy to talk about you, his pride and joy. he happens to mention that youre wanting to learn to ride your new horse. dodge happens to offer his assistance. how can he resist an opportunity like that? theres truly nothing he would love more than teach you how to ride... a horse, of course :)))

when your dad had told you hed found a cowboy to teach you how to ride, you had expected another one of your dads friends. already made peace with the fact that it would be slightly awkward but ultimately worth it. but then he shows up, the boy from the diner. a cowboy, huh? definitely not what you were expecting. but hes wearing the boots and the hat, he certainly looks the part. hopefully he can play it too. (also i need him to call me darling and tip his hat, i need to have it)

you try your best to get to know him while he's teaching you, but he's not big on answering questions, instead redirecting them back to you. he does laugh, a beautiful, intoxicating sound, when you make a joke about his name being very fitting. dodging all your questions. (legit giggling to myself rn) he tries to tell you about the town, but he doesnt know much more than you, except this weird game he's heard people are playing over the summer...

he asks a surprising amount of questions about your life, you had pegged him as the quiet, stoic type when you first saw him at the diner. but this charming cowboy whos teaching you how to bond with your horse - because apparently its important for her to trust you before you start riding her - is a totally different story. when you invite him in for some fresh lemonade, hes chatting away with your dad about rodeos and all the places nearby he needs to visit. it wasnt at all what you had expected from him.

he starts spending a lot of time around the farm, teaching you to ride your horse, your dad inviting him to come for dinner, or really any excuse he can find to drop by. hes totally enamoured with you, he even feels a little guilty about it. youre so innocent and pure-hearted, he really has no business flirting with you the way he is. hes sure you cant even tell most of the time, that same sweet smile on your lips every time he speaks. totally unaware of the way his gaze lingers, eyes wandering, glued to your ass when youre wearing those damned blue jeans.

it takes you a long time to learn how to ride your horse, but eventually you get good at it. the day you finally succeed at riding around the farm without his help, you both dread that it might be the last time he comes by. but the next time he shows up on a horse of his own. tells you that he wants to show you more of the area, he takes you around, you talk for hours. simply just enjoying each others company.

the time after that you're already waiting for him outside, that morning you had gotten up earlier than usual, just to spend extra time picking your outfit, styling your hair, blushing your cheeks. this continues for a while. your dad starts to notice, youre acting like a little schoolgirl around him. dodge can tell, hes basking in it, he loves it. his compliments become more frequent and more intentional.

eventually your dad insists on bringing you to one of the rodeos, youre hesitant, youd rather not end up trapped in a long conversation with one of his old friends. but when you realize that dodge will be there, competing, you immediately agree to go. youve never seen him in his element like that. you make sure to wear his favorite dress of yours and style your hair just the way he compliments it the most.

its not like youre together, but you want him to know that youre there for him. to see him. and oh he knows. the second he sees you, he knows. ugh he can barely contain himself. youre standing right there, dressed up just for him, watching him in awe as he hang on tight to the rowdy horse.

need him to come out all sweaty and running high on adrenaline. picking you up and spinning you around, his pretty little thing, all dressed up for him, special for him. i need him to be so caught up in the moment that he put his hat on your head, kissing your cheek. luckily your dad had left with some buddies, because everyone at the rodeo knows what it means to wear a cowboys hat, everyone but you. you dont realize that hes staking his claim on you, making it clear to anyone who looks at you that you're his. not that you would have minded that part if youd known.

i need someone to make comment/joke about the cowboy hat rule, and dodge teaching you to ride, to which you enthusiastically, but oh so very cluelessly, mention that yes, hes been trying teaching you for a while now. but that youre only just starting to it right, something about it all being in the hips. i need you to look up at him confused when he just drags you away, mumbling something about that guy being an ass and promising to explain later...

what the fuck do yall know about my man dodge mason. my man my man my man. i havent stopped thinking about him since that fancam... i need to be the innocent farmers daughter who gets corrupted by the handsome mysterious cowboy, such a clique, but i need it anyway!!!!!

-🐞

NEEDHIMNEEDHIMNEEDHIM

This is soooo so sweet too like :(( he’s literally the only thing that makes Carp bearable :((

Just thinking about like having your first kiss with him like maybe a cute little picnic you set up in a little clearing hidden away from prying eyes 🥺

It’s all innocent and sweet— you made little sandwiches, and cut up fruits, and made him a pie. Little glass bottles of lemonade. It’s all so sweet, like you’d copied it off of an old movie.

And you’re talking his ear off and he’s so fine with that— he’s more of a listener anyway. Besides, you look so pretty with your hair in braids, a little sundress, glowing from the sheen of sweat on your skin.

He interrupts you mid sentence with a kiss, nearly knocking his teeth into yours. Your eyes stay wide for a moment, but you melt into him like butter. Its so chaste and sweet, but you end up on his lap and his tongue is in your mouth and his hands are palming your ass 🥰

#needthat

[atom-writings]

this may be a weird request and feel free to ignore this if you're not comfortable doing it for whatever reason but I saw the request with a British S/O and I thought how about main 8 with a Jewish S/O? Being Jewish myself I just wanna see some S/O representation cuz there's almost 0 in the hetalia fandom and it'd make my week ❤️ ty in advance 😭 (this was longer than I meant it to be ahh sorryyy)

(Hetalia Main 8 x Reader) Jewish S/O!

(Gender Neutral) Scenario ~ A/N omg this is not a weird request at all!!! Im very happy to do this one!!!! Recently i have been seriously considering converting but idk wher to start fjkhjf sorry for taking so long!! PLS LET ME KNOW IF I SAID ANYTHING INACCURATE DEAR LORD

Trigger Warning: Religious stuff obviously, other than that just Fluff!

Alfred supports and loves you completely! His country was supposed to be a land of religious freedom, and he will defend that right to his death, goddamnit!

He has some basic knowledge of the Jewish faith, but most of the information he’s been told is horribly Christianized. A lot of is inaccurate, but rarely downright offensive. So when you correct him, he’ll end up asking a million follow-up questions. Maybe just bring him next time along you go to synagogue…

Now, anyone whose friends with him, is gonna know just as much as he does. If any religious thing gets brought up, he’s immediately trying to educate the rest of them on Judaism. It’s cute but… he’s also maybe a bit too enthusiastic. It’s like trivia night but the trivia is just things you’ve told him about your faith.

As happy as he is to spend time relaxing during Shabbat, he may get a little antsy… and a little annoying. It’s probably all that capitalist wiring messing up his brain, he’ll get used to it eventually.

Arthur has never delved deep into any religion since… well… not since the BCs. So your religion plays no part in his feelings towards you, he’d love you the same no matter what.

Even if he develops some affection for your faith, it’s unlikely he’ll be open to converting. Nothing personal, he supports you completely, it’s just… he’s just found that being religious leads to much more conflict than he prefers. 

But… if you want a wedding soon, he’s all in from the start. His country is known for their weddings, remember? And now the two of you will have to somehow throw the biggest Jewish wedding in the whole of Europe. Under your guidance, of course. Really, it’s just that Arthur wants to prove something about the two of you. But at least your family will have fun. Maybe.

Most of the holidays you celebrate, he won’t join in on unless you beg. He tells you it’s because he’s a protestant (he’s not,) but really he just feels like he’s intruding on your culture. But the days spent deliberately relaxing, doing nothing but eating traditional food? He can get behind those pretty easily.

Francis sees your Jewishness as nothing more than another fascinating piece in the painting that you are. If something is important to you, it’ll become important to him too!

Depending on your devotion level, he’ll try to support you as much as possible. But if your life revolves around your faith, he may get a little concerned. I mean,  being devoted is great! But your health and safety should come first as well. At least, that’s what he believes.

He himself, subscribes to no religion. Throughout the centuries, he’s passed from one to another, even being Jewish for a decade or two! But… that was also in the 200s… and he didn’t really commit. But if you want him to commit this time, he is absolutely ready to.

Oh, and the holidays? He would love to join you in observing them. Even the one which involve worship, he’ll happily do it as well, if you would want him to. He’ll even make a bunch of food to bring! Having such a strong community is something that’s really important to him, so he’d love to share that with you.

Whatever you believe in, it makes no difference to Yao. As long as you don’t think he’s going to hell, he’s cool with it… oh, you don’t believe there is a hell? Even better then!

He has seen many different belief systems rise and fall, so he’s never been that religious himself. The only thing he’s ever truly believed in were the things taught to him at birth, and even then he questions. But whatever makes sense to you, he’ll go along with it as well.

If you’re uber-devoted, it’s one of the main things he admires about you. It shows your courage and the strength of your ethics. Both traits he shares with you! Just… about different things. But if you’re not super into your faith, that’s totally fine too. That just means he doesn’t have to do as much.

As much as he loves taking things slow and enjoying the little things in life, he’s  quite the workaholic at heart. After a few Shabbat weekends, he’s itching to just spend time working on his home projects. All of which are…  pretty intense.

This is absolutely wonderful! Ivan would love a Jewish S/O, as he really respects the religion and culture surrounding it. 

Surprisingly, for an Orthodox Christian, he’s very familiar with the faith. Especially its history with his own religion. He rationalizes the differences between you as simply different ways to worship the same thing. Whether or not that’s accurate is up for debate, but either way, he supports you fully.

He’d love to observe Shabbat with you! Setting aside time, specifically just to enjoy the peaceful, domestic beauties of life… he completely understands why this would be a holy practice. He’s a little upset his own people haven’t caught onto that yet… why doesn’t everyone do that?

He’s… very enthusiastic about the concept of marrying you. Regardless of whether his church approves or your synagogue, he believes you two can mix traditions and have the most wonderful wedding. After all, nothing about the two of you is conventional in the first place!

While Feliciano may be devout himself to another religion, he has nothing but love in his heart for yours. Your differences only bring you two closer!

Always the romantic, he’s already planning your wedding in his head. And he wants it to completely align with your faith’s traditions! He’s had plenty of his own weddings before now, so he’d love to make it special for you and your family. He’s been saving just for a grand wedding like that!

Considering how strongly Catholic he is, he knows quite a lot about Jewish history. Religion has always been one of his little fascinations… so he’s very enthusiastic about learning about your faith. He’ll be a little awkward at first, not knowing which questions are ok to ask, but eventually, he’ll figure it out.

If you ask him to, he’ll observe some holidays with you, but most of the time he goes out of his way not to. Just in the same way that he tries not to involve you in his own practices. He doesn’t want you to feel like he’s overwriting your faith, and he’s careful not to intrude. He’s a bit overly sensitive in that way, but it means well.

While Ludwig himself does not care for religion, he respects your devotion greatly! Your beliefs harm no one, so he’ll happily support you in any way you ask of him.

Frankly, he’d probably be the most likely person on this list to convert. It reminds him of the faith his rulers have tried to instil in him, but in a more peaceful and traditional way that appeals to him. It wouldn’t take much of a push to get him all in-

Even if he doesn’t convert, he’s still nothing but happy to come along with anything you bring him to. He’ll be a little awkward, feeling out of place, at the start. But as long as you’re inviting him, he might as well get as much experience as he can!

Regardless of his current convictions, he’s unlikely to join you in observing any of the less vital holidays and practices. He’s still young for a nation and he’s quite the workaholic, so he’s always running from one place to the next. But if you get him to settle down and connect with himself more spiritually, it’d probably do him some good.

Kiku trusts you completely, so whatever religion you believe in, he’ll be right there beside you. Not in converting, per se, but he’ll gladly join you in any open celebrations or gatherings!

He shows his support for your beliefs in a… very Kiku way. He won’t bring it up often, but he’ll do a ton of research on his own time. You never have to remind him when an important holiday is coming up! He knows. And don’t worry, he’s got everything you need already. But will he come to synagogue with you? Well… maybe.

Frankly, I can’t imagine him being a marriage person. If that’s what you want, he’s totally up for it, but don’t expect him to do much planning himself. The one gripe he might have is just that he wants a small wedding… so hopefully, you do too.

[moongurl95]

Writer Interview Game

Thank you for the tag @theladyofshalott1989! 💕 Yours was such an interesting read (can agree with your only child syndrome - im one as well ✌️) and it's something to think about since it's my first time receiving a tag game this long 😅

When did you start writing?

I remember making a lil homemade "Book of Jokes" (simply made out of elementary paper and just binding them with glue), my mom still has it somewhere she said she keeps as a memento.

But ive found i had a way to express myself in essay writing and with the other blogs i had before (blogspot days), before i really practiced creative writing back in 2019 by joining some writing groups online. They gave prompts and we spin a short story for it, which i greatly enjoyed doing. Joined Nanorimo in 2020 and even self published a couple of ebooks from that (not really confident to market it tho...)

But Fanfiction writing? ive honestly joined many a fandom but only Hogwarts Legacy was the one who called out to me to write something about my MC!

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I curiously read smut cuz for the life of me i cannot write a sexy, intimate scene in detail - my brain just blanks when i want to write it, so always back to the drawing writing board for me 🫣

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

No one in particular really, tho i transitioned from reading the kids' books (Magic Treehouse, Geronimo Stilton and Bailey School Kids) to straight up P.C. Cast and her Goddess Summoning series. The only good 'ol YAs that touched my soul were Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver Trilogy, Emma Raveling's Ondine Quartet, Courtney Alameda's Shutter, Jess Rothenberg's The Catastrophic History of You and Me, and last but not the least (which also shaped my love for morally grey characters, Julian goddammit i cried teenage tears for him 😢) L.J. Smith's The Forbidden Game and these are most of the writers i remember growing up reading (i never even read the HP books... whoops!)

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

i don't really have a fixed one, i used to go to those co-working spaces when i started with fanfiction writing but i can type out a quick short story in notepad on any pc as long as the mood strikes. i've also adapted to typing on my cp too (OneDrive is my friend in syncing it on both my mobile and laptop) 😁

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Peace and quiet. i usually have the best ideas late into the night when everyone is asleep, and im up like a gremlin, awake and typing away on my pc (those subliminal writer sounds work on me too) and there comes a time that i just need to write the words out when they've been brewing in my head for a fortnight too long...

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

3 love interests and the 1 mc who does not have the leisure for romance (i did it once, i unwittingly just realized im doing it now with my fanfic... oh well.)

What is your reason for writing?

Granted i haven't written any original works since starting my fanfiction (all my brain juice goes into that WIP, i guess), it does give me a sense of purpose and a nice lil side hobby project i still quite enjoy coming back to every now and then ✍️🤓

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

i don't get alot so i love all of them! The ones that comment on how sweet the interactions were between the characters keeps me motivated tho, it's challenging enough for me to be naturally affectionate irl so i really think my dialogue over before capturing it in words.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

i guess just somehow who'll not leave them hanging on an unfinished work 😅 at this point in time i still love adding chapters to it, but it does take time for me (between working and adjusting in a new country). i greatly thank them for their patience and support of my work! 💌

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Slow-burns. 'Cuz maybe it takes me awhile to really understand a certain level of affection that's why im more interested in seeing how it develops. Also i do get comments on how i really visually describe a scene real well, so i hope that's true and im not really dragging it out? 🤔

How do you feel about your own writing?

i personally feel like i lack a back and forth dialogue in how i write, as i tend to be introspective, though overall i love the art of writing itself! There are days i read a random work of mine just to get motivated, read the comments on that and get encouraged more. 🥰

Hope these lovelies dont mind me tagging them 💌 @glutengoblin @animasola86 @evaslytherpuff @little-emerald-snake

[neuroticboyfriend]

i really appreciate your positivity post about those of us who can't wear masks outside in the heat. i don't know if i have anything diagnosable but i'm definitely disabled nonetheless in such a way that i can't stand outside very long without getting extremely tired/dizzy/sick/miserable/etc. and i feel like i'm very prone to heat stroke due to how physically weak i am by default, especially since my climate is so fucking hot & humid and probably one of the worst such places in the whole country (i'd imagine at least?). it certainly doesn't help that the masks we have that aren't the classic N95s are all... black and absorb the sunlight lol. i know a lot of karens complain that they can't breathe when they have to go shopping for 20 minutes that way and it's pathetic to us but i legitimately feel trapped, panicked, and overheated when i can't breathe freely. it's overwhelming for sure!

yw!! I've been being kinder to myself about it and I still have some anxiety over it, but I wanted to share cuz like. we're the last people who should be beating ourselves up. we cant control that our bodies dont do well in heat, and we shouldnt be risking immediate serious illness or death. and we shouldnt feel ashamed because some comparatively abled people whined and are still whining about masks.

so yeah. i hope you're able to stay cool and safe this summer ♡ and its comforting to know im not alone

[black-celebrationnn]

i hate men so much

and i feel bad for being one, bc of men who just validate the statement with their behavior.

today i casually went out to buy bread. some bald dude i saw in my neighbourhood quite a lot recently, was whistling at me to catch my attention and i turned around and asked "what? is it me you're calling? what's going on?" and he responded with "WDYM WHAT'S GOING ON, LOOK AT YOU, HOW YOU LOOK!!" i just said "wow??? ok? well "how"???" he responded with "FUCK YOU! GTFO OF HERE" and he was non-verbally threatening me all the time, he wanted to beat me tf up i guess.

i'm scared for my health and life.

the outfit i was wearing for context: my DM shirt, my leather jacket with some band patches, regular light blue jeans and my black shoes + a bandana and some jewellery (2 chains and a rosary)

what made him so fucking angry about my outfit that he's put so much effort in all that?

like,,,wtf. i just walked away, but i regret i didn't go into a convo with this disgusting mf and didn't tell him what i fucking think and that i look good as fuck, and he should look at himself first (and his uglyass rugs that he calls clothes) and then maybe judge. not even mentioning that threatening someone for the clothes they're wearing is pretty fucking insane.

there was a police car near the place we were standing and if i wasn't unsober atm, istg i would go STRAIGHT to the police car and report that shit. especially that it's not the first time i saw him bothering ppl. but police in my country is blind for such cases so i think im gonna have to ask my friends to make sure he won't bother me or anyone else anymore. he has no idea what ppl i know in this fucking city. so at least that's something.

it's enough of "not all men"

yes we FUCKING know, but it's still men that ppl are scared of, it's still men that are more likely to beat you up, kill you, rape you, or rob you

so pls just shut the fuck up. if you're a male and you're a good person, you know damn well you're not included in the phrase "i hate men" and you don't feel the need to say "bUt NoT ALL mEN [...]"

the same day, but in the morning, an older woman on a bus stop called me as well. BUT she asked me to help her walk to the next bench, and told me a story of how she got robbed and brutally beaten up by 5 MEN. she just got outta the hospital.

how ironic hm? and later we had a nice talk, she told me that my outfit is really nice and she especially likes my shoes and how old fashioned they look, she wished me a nice day and so i did to her :)

PLS STOP FUCKING EXCUSING THOSE PPL, BC IM GENIUENLY SCARED FOR MY LIFE WHEN I LEAVE MY HOUSE. I'M SCARED TO WEAR ANYTHING, IM SCARED TO LOOK ANY WAY, IM JUST SCARED TO GO OUT. BC THEY CAN ALWAYS EASILY HURT ME FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY MAKE UP, AND WHENEVER THEY PLEASE, CUZ I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO DEFEND MYSELF WITHOUT A GUN.

[trashmuis]

Current state of things, I guess... tw personal stuff but wanting to share

So... I've been home for about 3 weeks

and my fuckin mental health is sufferinngggggg bro like im straight up not having a good time right now ✌

It's extremely difficult to be away from my -still crazy to say this but- husband, and the home we had together. Getting a residence contract in his country is still taking a lot of time and we're not even at the home stretch yet because it might be another 3 months after the last bit gets submitted. Like fr this has been stressful and that plays so much into how both of us are feeling.

I don't really want or like to use this platform as a diary anymore, but I feel like... alone sometimes with these feelings I guess. Especially with a 6 hour time difference, I'm by myself a lot. So i'm venting. I don't want to bother anyone separately for it, I mean, besides like a therapist probably. But idk if i can afford a therapist really anyway. I totally need one though. On the to-do list going forward, even if the search previously has been uhhhh pretty unhelpful 👎

But, um, my confidence is super low rn and being away suuuper doesnt help bc he cant be there for me physically to provide that comfort i need when im being like, absolutely down, and i am so damn hard on myself when left by myself. I need to use coping methods and i'm lacking motivation to even do that.

Genuinely, that's what i really really want to work on now. So that's also why I'm writing this, to the void (which isnt a void, but, no one follows me so whatever.) I feel so fuuuucking boring sometimes. What are my hobbies rn? What is my sense of style? Am I stifling myself??? Yeah. I am. My confidence is at the bottom of a barrel and I am frustrated about that, but my anxiety is way way up, and my depression is making everything feel like a goddamn chore.

I'm so sick of it. I really want to pick myself up and like, work on being a better me. Cuz this year isnt starting as well as I thought it was, bc going home like deflated me so much and it blows, dude. I have some regrets from last year too, and that doesnt help, but i cant do shit until i go back overseas anyway. I just feel like i have nothing going for me at the moment and like im wasting my life 😕

Idk im a fuckin dork but i have fun with stupid stuff and it makes me happy, and i just feel like i NEED something to make me happy rn, bc usually that's my husband and i just... dont have him the way id like rn since we're so many miles apart for at least the next 90 days, if not longer. I'd REALLY REALLY REALLY like to not need to do this one more time. But tbh btw, i need to be a better me for all days, so i can manage on my own anyway. i dont want to be codependent or NEED him when i feel awful either.

TLDR; Mental health issues are brutal. Def feeling that rn. But I'll be working on it.

[anaalnathrakhs]

auuuurgh

i feel so fucking bad. i want to do things so badly but there's always the looming threat of my parents waking up eventually. they'll be awake and doing stuff when i wake up if i go to sleep. scheduling driving lessons feels so fucking complicated cuz they have to be like a month in advance at least. and i have no idea how i'll be in a month. and things might happen. and it feels scary to plan for the future. i miss sports so bad but everything feels so complicated. the bouldering gym costs money. i went and it was... okay but i started feeling like a goldfish going in circles after like one go. the bike pump is cooked bc we havent used it in many years (cuz we live up a FUCKING HILL i fucking hate you) and both my bike and my dad's are deflated as fuck. the municipal bike rental in my city costs money and it's not covered by the bus subscription. i don't have the roller skills for going down this MOTHERFUCKING HILL with them, nor navigate the MANY hills in my town. i got to swim a couple times recently and it just felt so small. i miss being a kid and actually having fun. enjoying the things i did. i can't do two miserable pullups without my brain screaming at me that my life is worthless and everything is boring and feed me a bottle of vodka and two months of restrictive behavior lest you'll never feel happiness again. school is difficult but rewarding and im doing my best. living with my parents is making me wish i could fucking poison their coffee in the morning. guess which has mandatory breaks and which im obligated to handle as soon as i come home, and on days off, and on holidays, and every fucking time they want to talk to me and do things with me. holy shit. i get it. you were sooooooo vewy sad uwu when i was more solitary, and now you're sooooooo glad i've finally learned to shut the fuck up (most of the time) and participate in your activities! awesome for you! then why do you fucking complain when the very real consequences of catering my life to please you poses you an inconvenience? holy shit i'm doing my best, i'm trying to be what you wanted because i KNOW i was a difficult child all my life and i don't want you to struggle any more than necessary now that i can do what you expect of me. are you not happy. sorry i can't be fucking perfect. sorry i'm so horrible and bitter-hearted that i can't enjoy normal things like family meals and spending time with you.

"our relationship isn't only problem-management" FOR YOU MAYBE IT ISNT. my entire fucking LIFE has been problem-management. why did you have a kid if you weren't prepared for it to struggle? why didn't you take half a look at dad's childhood, or my uncle's childhood, and understand that there was going to be some problem-management to do. i would've liked a little less being dragged to amusement park trips and out of the country vacations, and a little more help for my mental health. maybe it wasn't all problem-management to YOU because you halfassed a quick bandaid on it and then left me to manage it however i could. i know it's a very complicated situation with no breakage-free outcome, and i don't know if i would've done it better had i been in your shoes, but 1st of all THAT'S WHY I NEVER WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN AND IF I EVER THINK ABOUT IT YOU CAN KNOCK ME OUT AND TAKE THE GONADS AWAY, and 2nd of all i wish you would stop insisting i have no reason to not trust your help or ask you for help nowadays. not only you have repeatedly not helped or made it worse in the past, but you have kept doing that recently. which i understand, i am older and you do not owe me massive changes for something i can take actions on myself, but then obviously i'm not going to keep asking you for help with the same problem and asking for the same solutions. stop telling me i need to resolve it I KNOW IM WORKING ON IT. and yeah sorry i don't want to shift the whole blame of communication troubles on you, because god knows i suck at that, but you have to understand that "but you didn't say anything at the time :(" is not an argument. i was barely 13. i didn't voice an anxiety i had about something i hadn't tried yet. then i spent four days calling you on the phone begging you to help me out, the entire weekend from the second you came back for me friday evening to sunday before going to sleep begging you to not make me go back, and you still said "lol no you're not gonna give up this easily". and you tell me that, again, as if i was supposed to have said something earlier (when it was preemptive anxiety that could've ended up being unfounded) and then you'd have been all cool and dandy with it and not made me go?????? just admit i have reasonable reasons to not trust you to offer executive help on my problems it's alright i'm 18 you don't have any obligations anymore.

it's so fucked up i'm so fucked up. i havent been normal a single second of my life. i was kinda going beyond the need to be explicitely invited to everything, cuz i thought that it was kinda irrational of me and that most people would just tell me if i started going to far. but then i act weird anyway and my friends dont say anything at the time and then rib me about it later on, and i just have no fucking idea what i should and shouldn't do anymore. i dont want to put any pressure on my friends because we're all fucked up and full of irrational and raw maladapted behaviors, we're all mentally ill and not even fully young adults, and i want to do my best to extend the olive branch anytime i can, which they also often do for me, but then i don't know what to do, am i validating something that does more harm than good? how do i bring it up without hurting them and making everything worse? i don't know what people expect of me, i don't know what people want out of me, i don't know what i want out of people, i don't know what's good.

i've read that essay about hippie subcultures and drug culture, "mind openness" and ego death and how it could be reached without drugs and how straights who do LSD still won't get it. and i'm gonna be honest, i've never done hallucinogenics, i've never even experienced hallucinations, i don't want to make a faulty comparison, but a lot of it really resonated with what i felt when i was in permanent calories deficit. i felt depressed and anxious sometimes but also so often the world felt beautiful. peaceful. i could fucking sleep. i could enjoy the moment. fucking meditate even. i feel like i'm going mad. i want to go back so badly. god i remember when i started binging/eating a maintenance amount of cals again. it was so bad it felt so fucking painful to feel like nothing was enough AGAIN.

im tired i think im gonna manage going to sleep. every day i hope it's the day i can fall back into restrictive patterns again.

[strawberryezpls]

why will i always feel like this?

I literally hate everything and I understand why i wanted to kill myself so bad whenever i did (back in may lol) ummmmmmmmm this time around of the year is lwokey a little bit triggering because i was just depressed as fuck! and why is my mom making me give my father money for my own good(like a charity) when i don't see or even heard of them doing that to my grandparents like ever? and it doesn't look like it ever did them any good. I graudte from community college this year and i can finally go live in he dorms WHICH IS A ECCESITy cuz if im not living in the dorms im still not living at home. It actally crazy how i have zero support from my family at all. Like they all tell me to study hard and get good grades and blah blah but it's like once I try "oh why aren't you helping around the house" and its not a good feeling. Omg and I think i have autism like for real, or something cuz i have all the traits and i would just be a high level of mask. or am i just overlooked and im not realling masking i'm just brushed off as that's just me. imagine it really is just me. I also don't feel like living for anythign rightnow. I did see nicki minaj yesterday which was ENLIGHTENING she was like 2 hours late but idc and i somehow didn't get caught hehehehhe. um i have to get my wisdom tooth out in like 3 weeks and my finals are almost over. Omg that bullshit about me waiting for the right guy bitch I went right back to the guy i left for the clairty of my mind. and then we've been together ever since. But here's the thing he said hes observing now bc of the way we handle arguments. Like shouldn't you know what you want and how you want it. idk sometimes i feel like im being used and i don't understand how why he even wants me around i feel like i don't do anything for him at least emotionsally or mentally or like what i'm supposed to be. Which like i was fine with being in a sort of situationship with him since january but i think since we wenton our first one on one date a little after valentines that we would be together together but i guess not. And i don't really want to be with a amn now that's like im observing bc of the way we agrue which is like whatever. also wtf is knock knock ginger? sorry i'm listening to a podcast. omgi think being in ramadan which i s gonna sound sad and probably wrong for a moment but bare with me. like everytime Ramadan comes around i just don't feel good bc i feel like i was taught islam wrong like i just don't believe everything or anything someone from my country is saying abt it spefically my dad. like it just gets me so angy bc i could've been those girls who love their religion and I wanna do that but I want there to be people who als understand me and shit. I really love how im college educated but you would think 9 year odl wrote this pls. speaking of idk how imma do it living with a random person like i don't evn like living with someone else, like i love my bed yall. i also need a car with a door handle and the bumper not falling apart. I also wanna be boy free for a while bc it's just something abt it yk. I also don't trust anything anyone is saying and everything everyone says no matter who it is is annoying as fuck and they need to stop talking and im talking abt people who i don't even know too. Like why is everyone annoying all of a sudden b4 i didn't feel like that. wait it priobanyl bc i have to fucking be sober for the next month. saye but at least i get to turn up on my birthday I think. idk i'm scaed to smoke too early ater my surgery. which speaking of i NEED to do something fun and i need tolook good on my birthday like fr. Like i would want to do something even by myself just because i deserve it but my parents be pocket watching me like its not my money. anyways i really wanna get my lashes and nails done really bad. I think I'll just buy a wig and wear it that day and then i could get my own outfit yk. I literally cannot wait broooooo I don't know where imma be eating and whos ocming and whos not yk but yeaaaaaaa. I got too many people who would overlap and i don't want to

[haven-gum-rockrose]

Completely oversharing vent over here

.

Wow it's so wild to me when kids know things. Not cuz I think kids are stupid, those bitches are fucking genius and learning incarnate. But I grew up so so sheltered and didn't know anything until i was like 13-15 and started asking people in PE about puberty and sex ed and shit because i was a teenager who didnt even know proper terms for anything and had to ask a friend if vagina was a fucking curse word. never had any of these talks with my parents and like- adulting shit? i never heard about any of that until econ classes in senior year. or government classes also senior year(aside from like a bunch of trump jokes we made in middle school) both of which i had to play catchup in. theyre all like "act your age" and meanwhile im over here convinced that they may have actually permanently stunted me from ever fully maturing into a functioning adult. i still feel like- fucking fourteen or thirteen or twelve or something and act even younger and its bullshit. i knew that the middle finger was so so bad but didnt learn what a fucking slur was til Highschool when the teacher was like "nobody try to be funny, its pronounced Niger River." and i had to go do my own research as to why that was so bad. never had any talk about safety in any situation ever except when i told them i had online friends and they were like "you know theyre all old perverts right?" and that was the end of it. as if i hadnt already looked up internet safety myself, because how else does a person learn anything? The only safety lessons I got were "don't answer phone calls or open the door or have your face anywhere ever because if you do your crazy borderline personality disorder and paranoid schizophrenic older sister that we left in the psych ward on the other side of the country is going to find us and she's going to hurt you and your sister and your brothers" like she was a fucking boogeyman. That's you fucking daughter. Or your husband's daughter at least. AND IT'S LITERALLY THEM WHO REFUSED TO GIVE HER THE RIGHT MEDS AND MADE HER WORSE. And I don't even know her but now she has a daughter?? And suddenly they're like you should call her! As if she wasn't the scary story you told me all growing up? You mean the girl you said locked me in the bathroom and hit me with Dad's jeans or some shit when I was a baby? Like yeah it's not her fault, it's yours, but I don't want to fucking talk to her, I don't know her. Agh anyways. That got off topic. The point is. How the fuck do eleven year olds know about healthcare I learned about that shit at 16-17 I'm so dumb so very dumb.

[kurenkutted]

Welcome back to whoever may be reading so hi myself most likely. Do you ever just feel like you’re not supposed to be somewhere or anywhere or just alive in general. Some serious imposter syndrome exept I actually don’t belong anywhere at all I was about to die so many fucking times why didn’t any one of them fucking take me out. By my own hands or being a fucked up kid. I wasn’t even supposed to be fucking born. I shoulda fucking died too not just my brother. I go anywhere and i dont fucking belong I get looks like I should just fucking die and I wish I just fucking would. At least something cuz fuck not even my girlfriend wants to deal with me anymore. I can never make decisions im sorry about being so unsure about myself after getting out down about everything so fucking much. And yeah I’m not over the fact that you were fucking sexting your online “friend” but fuck that fucking hurts wtf and cheating on me? Whenever you were mad at me about just being unsure if you even wanted to be with me. I didn’t stop it because I was in fucking denial about and didn’t fucking think you’d ever do that. When I fucking trusted you. I don’t know why I trust anyone anymore. No one’s good no one gives a shit anymore. Why should I. Why can’t I be fucking selfish I’m sorry I know I’m also fucking brain dead and stupid I don’t want to listen to my own fucking thoughts anymore. All they do is yell at me and tell me how shitty I am of a person a worker a boyfriend and sibling and child in fucking general. Oh I guess I can just veiw life positivity yeah well I tried that and whenever it happens the world is like no fuck you you’re not supposed to be happy you dumb shit. I’m supposed to be fucking dead. I’ve been wanting to be dead since I knew what being dead was. I don’t want to try anymore. This country is so fucked too, I can try and help but I’m so fucking useless whenever I get so depressed and it can happen for months and then I get anxious after that about being depression and not doing anything and worrying about everything then remembering that I don’t deserve a peaceful life why would I?? I might be nice just to cover up the fact how shitty of a person I am. I never do anything good I can’t even think good. My brain doesn’t even fucking work man. Why can’t I just stop it? I swear it’ll be so much easier. It’ll be so much nicer for everyone involved for not having me alive. I can sleep forever and not worry about hearing my brain say shit or having me mess up something else again. I dunno I always say I’m done but I never go through with it. Im a fucking pussy too. I want to go through with it but the medical bills and all that would be really fucked. I dunno I’ll just hit my head a good amount of times till It shuts up or I pass out. Goodnight

[langlang-written]

Penzu entry #3 01-28-23

I hate being lonely. But i also dont want to become dependent of others. It sucks how you cant meet both at the middle, or that its hard. I keep on telling myself that its fine to feel these feelings of loneliness but what hurts me the most is that despite time passing, loneliness hits me with consistency. Ever since i was a kid, loneliness was always evident. It became a childhood best friend. I was never allowed to go outside, or to play games with kids my age. I was forced to play alone, in the solitude of my home, what my parents have built for me. 

Its not that I blame my parents for where I am today, but a pang of anger hits me everytime I see people socializing. Why wasnt I brought up that way, a shining ball of sociable sunshine? Why, as an adult, have a hard time talking with people? It's not that Im the most anti social being on the planet, im just hard to be around with. Hard to talk to, hard to live with. Hard to love.

A lot of the times i wonder why im like this. Why i was diagnosed and why i suffer from this. Come to think of it, im privileged than most people in the country. I have a not so less fortunate family, parents who love me so so much that theyd do everything for me, without hesitation, and a boyfriend who actually cares for me. One who actually loves me despite everything. One who wont back out when things get super rough. Maybe its true what they say, that childhood is the most crucial part of a human's life. With it, they develop their personality (or personalities, when things get traumatic at a young age).

I know my parents tried their hardest to raise me well, but there are just some things not within their reach. Like what happened when I was four. How I was sexually assaulted by another kid. I still dont know how I feel about what happened as I know that it mustve been passed on from generation. Now that I think of it, Its not usual for a preteen to be acting that kind of way around a toddler, unless its been taught. Its crazy, and incredibly scary. What if i raise a child who has the same circumstance as me? I would have to be super careful with who theyre talking with, who theyre around with and who they have connections with.

I pray to god (despite my agnostic tendencies) that that wont happen to my kid. To the one who i will birth, i love u to pieces. I will treasure u forever. This is why i understand how i wouldnt want to kill myself cuz my parents still exist. I know that is not what they want for me, same thing as i dont want that for my child. Or at least, soon-to-be.

----- 

With that aside, im happy today cuz i was able to play valorant. How sweet of the world to not give me a rank down (lmao). And despite me trashtalking other people (which is not something to be grateful for) and yet losing afterwards, i am still happy. Or at least, happy at that moment. 

Thank you, universe, for giving me this day to be alive.

And for that i say,

Bye world.

[acidmatze]

Ugh i hate current society When i was unemployed i felt terrible about playing games at 1pm cuz i felt like i havent "earned it" and thought that once i started working that wont happen anymore But now i work full time and got today and tomorrow off and i STILL feel bad about playing games at 1pm even though i "earned it". Brain wtf do you want me to do? Never take a day off??? I constantly feel like i need to Do Something Productive and as soon as i sit down for a minute i feel Terrible about it and i hear my mom in my brain telling me im wasting my time and should do something that matters, like cleaning or some shit. Im done cleaning! Theres no more to clean! I only have so much energy for the day! Others at work have no issues taking a few days off and come back after and be like "Lol i did absolutely nothing and just played video games all day and night and then slept for an entire day." While Im sitting here shitting myself like "Unless i go on an epic adventure to save the world or deep clean the entire apartment or fix the environment or at least travel to some random country and build a school by hand i OBVIOUSLY wasted my entire time and should just never take a vacation ever and instead work until i die. Even though i expect myself to work even though i am on vacation. When am i supposed to rest? Never, apparently. No rest, only pain and misery. Ugh i just wanna play games in peace....

[garfieldsladybird]

i got so happy to see a chunk of writing form you :)

with you and your partner, i’d definitely just talk to him - (coming from my very experienced mind from never dating anyone) but i find that talking things out with people usually solves things, and if they have a shitty reaction for no reason, it says a lot :)

yes we have mcdonald’s, but i don’t normally get anything from there since my mum never really liked it, but i usually got kfc with my dad.

i have a two week break and then i have my mocks!! i have 13 exams which is a lot less than i thought (for my actual gcses in march i’ll have around 22) and the average time is around 2.5 hours (SO LOTS OF REVISION)

i’m trying to take care of myself a bit since i feel pretty crap, and yep - i guess that’s it!

i came from a school trip (three days in france / belgium for history) with my year (15-16) and the year below (14-15) and found out that a lot of them believe that me and my friend have at least kissed? it’s kinda creepy since i asked a few people and they were like ‘yup’

it’s weird. she’s my friend. yk? it’s giving FETISH. (esp since apparently people talk about it a lot)

i’m going to try and get some sleep, sending love (and hoping your headaches get better / have fun with your friends) xx

i love seeing it from you so much too!!!

im really bad with talking but i will tryin my best with that! talking is like the only solution really. but yeah i hope that turns out well! :))

i love kfc! it’s great :DD way better then mcd’s tbh!

thats so many exams. omg- tho its not as much as 22 but it’s still a lot wow :o so with the two week break, does that mean you dont have school?

that’s really good! i hope you do start feeling better!! and not like crap. :)))) <3333

omg that’s so cool- you went to france!? and belgium?! no way. that’s so cool that your school does that :DDD idk if you actually went to the place or not but that’s cool if you did!! have you ever traveled? i haven’t out of the country and i’ve only been two states in the usa (technically three bc of the one I’m currently in and have been for my whole life) but yeah!! i wish to travel a lot!! :DD

ooooo i forgot to tell anyone!! i went to see a play at the theater in my town and the play was pride and prejudice!! it was with my theater class and the play was so good!! i loved it!! i wanted to ask a question at the end cuz they were doing a q&a and i was going to ask but then the were out of time :( but it was amazing and i learned a lot from it!! :DDD

okay now that is weird. that’s weird weird. especially if you guys are just best friends. and why would they think/talk about that? wtf. that is mad weird. it for sure is fetish.

i hope you sleep well!! goodnight and sweet dreams! <33 sending love right back!! and i took some tylenol so hopefully my headache does goes away, i can already feel it going away. xxx <333

[rawbins-undertale-blog]

hey there again!!!

might i slide in this fine ask box with another HC request?

if yes, then could you please write some HCs where uf and ht sanses and papyruses (seperate of course) s/o gets put in a hospital for a lil bit? you can decide what happened to s/o. maybe a bad heatstroke cuz its summer or something (totally not because its a bad heatwave where im living rn haha nope). idk, i just crave angst or hurt/comfort again from my fave skeletons.

if you're not up for this, its totally fine!!

thank you, have a chill day/night B)

- 🌌 anon whos sunburns arent stinging that much anymore B)

*Evil cackling* OH-HO-HO, yOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MONSTER YOU HAVE UNLEASHED…… I am an evil being who feeds off of angst and pain, and you’ve given me ample opportunity to make some of that sweet sweet angst >:-)))))))))

I tried to keep it ambiguous as to what you’re in for, mostly because I want you to be able to imagine heatstroke and me to be able to think “hahahah stab stab”! ^^

Also!!! The healthcare system in some other countries is fucking insane (like??? You guys have to pay to not die??????) so I’ll be going off of what I know about the healthcare system in Sweden where it’s free. (At least I’m 99% sure it’s free, except for like. Small things. For example, my antidepressants. I had to buy those myself when I was still on them.)

UF + HT BROS WHEN S/O IS IN THE HOSPITAL

Red (Underfell Sans):

He’s panicking so so bad, he’s terrified. What if you die?

Curses out anybody who tries to keep him from you, including the poor nurse who’s just doing their job

Actually he just. curses in general. He’s just spewing cuss words to seem angry instead of scared because That’s Definitely Better

Most likely out of all four to physically lash out at… well, anybody (except you obviously) lol

Red hates hospitals too, to make matters worse. He doesn’t know why, but they make him feel uncomfortable.

If somebody did this to you purposely and he’s not allowed by your side, he’s going out to find the person and kick their ass during that time lol

If nobody did this to you, he’s pacing and cursing and jfc Red, you do realise there are other people here right enjdjdjdjsjsk

This fucker tries to pull a “pfff nah i was never worried” but like. Red. Darling. Light of my life. Stars in my sky. Center of my universe. Bitch of my heart. Everyone can see right through your “anger” and literally your shaking voice is so not convincing. Get a better poker face and voice.

With some prodding, admits that finehewasscaredyou’ddieandhethoughthisheartstoppedforasecondwhichisweird’causehedoes’tevenhaveaheartanywaysthat’sovernowsowhocares

(He’s not great at expressing himself but it’s still progress)

WILL be staying right by you as you recover. You’ve no choice. (You do actually, he respects you and will back off if you tell him to)

Edge (Underfell Papyrus):

Oh no. Oh no.

Edge is trying his very best not to show any emotions but he’s not good at it because like. It doesn’t take a genius to see that him screeching angrily at people and demanding for the doctors to fix this is actually him poorly masking his fear. Edge doesn’t have the best poker face lol

He’s so pissed if he can’t stay right next to you the whole time. You’re his S/O!! What kind of bullshit is this?!

If you do need to be left alone with doctors and such things, Edge will do one or two things depending on why you're in the hospital, how bad what you’re in for is and for how long he can’t see you.

If you’re here for something like heatstroke - AKA something not brought on by somebody else - he’ll call friends and such while pacing and somewhat frantically share your current condition.

However, if anybody did this to you; and you’re in bad shape… Well, even fucking Satan will cower at the brutality of Edge’s revenge.

When he’s allowed to be, he’s by your side and - depending on why you’re in and for what - he might nag you for being careless, reassure you it wasn’t your fault, reassure you in general, and/or just stay silent.

It’s barely noticeable, but just noticeable enough, that you can tell that he’s shaking.

All it takes is a “are you okay?” For him to break and confess how scared he was.

For a moment he was back Underground and it was horrible and he felt so powerless and he hates that. He’s so, so happy you’re okay and he- he swears he’ll be with you on your way to recovery. Please just never get hurt again.

Dusk (Horrortale Sans):

If you thought Red and Edge were scared, just know it’s nothing compared to the absolute terror he feels.

Dusk knows how fragile the human body can  be. He’s seen horrific things happen to humans and monsters alike and he’s always hyper-aware of just how easy it’d be to kill and/or hurt you.

Logically, he knows you won’t die, he knows human anatomy well enough to know this is something you’ll bounce back from, but his instincts are going haywire and all he can think of are the mangled corpses back Underground. It doesn’t matter whether your condition has anything to do with broken limbs or not, because those pictures are what his mind is forcing onto him.

He refuses to leave your side. If he’s forced away from you by nurses/doctors/staff, he’ll protest but if he really can’t be by you for your safety, he’ll be anxiously hovering as close by as he possibly can. Whenever he’s allowed to touch you, he’s practically glued onto you.

If he’s sure it’s just the two of you, and you’re unconscious, he’ll probably cry.

He… He hates being reminded of your mortality. He hates the idea that any day could be your last. He doesn’t know what he’d do if you were gone.

(He’d dust, probably.)

If somebody else got your purposely hurt, he’s going to hunt them down after a while (after you’ve recovered enough for him to be comfortable leaving you alone for a bit). He’s not going to kill them, but he might rough them up a bit -- but most likely, he’ll just intimidate them and/or threaten them. (It’d be a different story if you were murdered.)

Whenever you’re conscious, he’ll do pretty much anything you say, so long as it won’t get you anymore hurt or risk stunting your recovery.

When you’re released from the hospital, he’ll be by your side nearly 24/7 because he hates the idea of you getting hurt again just because he wasn’t there to protect you.

Aster (Horrortale Papyrus):

Tries to look calm and composed, but he does about as poor of a job as his brother. He does better in that he doesn’t act out or get in the way of the nurses, but he’s also crying and shaking and sobbing and can’t stop.

You getting injured triggers him pretty badly. If you’re not bleeding, it’ll probably be “only” a bad anxiety attack, but if there’s any blood involved it’s escalating into a full-blown panic attack.

He’s a nurse himself, but I doubt he’d be allowed to work with the other nurses when it comes to you because of how unsteady he is. He’s not sure whether he’s thankful for it or not, because he doesn’t trust himself to do a good job but he also wants to be there for you. He trusts his colleagues, but it’s still nerve-wracking.

Just like the others, he’s glued to your side when he’s allowed to be. Very metaphorically. He’s the best of them all at giving you space, partially because he’s just more respectful lol and partially because he’s a nurse so he knows not to smother you with physical affection until you’re in the clear.

If somebody caused you to go into this state, he will just like Dusk go and find them. He won’t do anything physical, but he does intimidate the person very effectively. He’s a terrifying giant and he knows how to use that to his advantage.

When you’re fine again, he’ll be acting anxious and protective for a while. He feels really guilty about it (because he should be comforting you - plus, he’s a nurse! He’s seen way worse things on his job) but you’ll have to give him comfort. This whole thing didn’t inspire much positive feelings in him and it stressed him out a lot, it may honestly take more of a toll on him than it does you.

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping