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jadedbirch · 4 months

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The Three Musketeers (2023) - Part 1: d'Artagnan

Directed: Martin Bourboulon

Starring: Vincent Cassel, Eva Green, François Civil

First of all, you do not know the struggle we had to go through to even get our eyeballs on this movie! Only die hard Dumas idiots like me would have even bothered 🤦🏻‍♀️. Finally, we had to buy it from AppleTV. Anywho, below is my live blog of the latest French nonsense! I make a point of tutoring myself watching as many 3 Musketeers adaptations as possible, regardless of the psychological damage, and I kind of have high hopes for this one despite the fact that I can already tell they cast more for 20 Years After than for The 3 Musketeers. But I'm willing to pretend there are no good, young actors in France (because there's no other way to explain these casting choices) for the sake of my own sanity. The rest of my babbling and movie spoilers will be below the cut!

I see we start the movie in 1627, which already makes me laugh 🤣. The book famously starts in 1625 and then they time skip a year and a half into the future because I guess Dumas remembered that the war starts in 1627. Alex was the king of inexplicable time skips and I see the movie has chosen to stick to history rather than literary canon 👌🏻.

Everything is cold, dark, and wet. I have no idea what's going on, or who this blond woman is, or why d'Artagnan is coming back from the dead. But I'm always in favor of immortal abominations 😈.

It does entertain me that Eric Ruf, who played Aramis in an earlier French adaptation, plays Richelieu in this one. Nice touch.

LOL d'Artagnan gate crashing the musketeer headquarters all "I'm not Soviet, the French do not stand in line!" Anyways, he's authentically obnoxious, which I like, although clearly also 20 years too old.

I feel like this is an AU that takes place before they invented soap and also dyes, which is hilarious because if they're going for historical accuracy, this is just what the plebs think looks "authentic". Why are these men all so dirty and old? At least they make fun of Athos being a thousand years old in the movie, but why is Jussac also so ancient? And still serving in the guards? Life expectancy back then was like 25, but surely no one would be serving in the army past the age of 50, which was like Ancient for the 1600s, even among nobility.

I must laugh at the fact that Athos straight up introduces himself to d'Artagnan as Athos de Sillegue, le comte de La Fère. So, I see we are just going to go there 🤭🤭🤭. This changes his story arc completely though, stay tuned for my whinging. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Absolutely incredible, legendary , A++, 11000/10: bisexual Porthos waking up in bed with a lady and a dude after a night of debauchery! Chef's fucking kiss! I forgive the fact that there are no young people in France.

Aramis, so far is very Murder Kitten. I do wish he'd wash his face more and do something about his guyliner (I feel like he should have just committed to MORE MAKEUP frankly because the guyliner alone is odd), but c'est la vie, I guess.

Plus one point for Athos getting wrongly arrested, minus twenty points for making Athos a Protestant WTF? And in what world would a nobleman of Athos' lineage get sentenced to death for stabbing an unknown woman? This is all so silly! (I do have to give Milady points for just like fucking with him so fantastically. Plus one revenge point to Milady.)

Aramis torturing a guy to save Athos is honestly 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 11/10 Murder Kitten, automatic plus one point.

This is all incredibly Dramatique, as much as it strains credulity. I love it when modern directors decide that they can write better "action" than Dumas himself. I'm just sitting here screaming "Why would you have that conversation where anyone can hear you!" Minus one point.

I must say Constance and d'Artagnan have a much more believable romance here than in the book. Plus 5 non-creeper points.

(Please I can't stop looking at how old all these Musketeers are 😅😅😅)

Okay so they've also given Athos a BROTHER. Who is part of a Protestant conspiracy. This is all so fucking crazy, I don't even know what to say. Am I watching the musketeers or La Reine Margot? 🤔

Incidentally, the King also gets a brother! Everyone gets a brother! J/K at least the King really did have a historical brother. Athos just gets fucked with in this movie a lot. Automatic minus one point for unnecessary siblings.

WHY must you all insist on having these super SECRET conversations in the middle of a public square where literally anyone can hear you? Minus one dumbass point.

And now d'Artagnan must go to England.... Alone? Because it's more heroic this way? Ambushed by ghost squirrels in the woods? Oh no, that's just Athos, lurking in the woods, as one does. "All misery comes from love." Thanks, Old Man Lush.

This revisionist tale of Milady's past is all very convenient but I FUCKING HATE IT every single time they try to do this in modern adaptations. Let Milady Be Evil 2023! But I see that you will not. Listen, it's not "feminist" to turn the villain into the victim. I'm so tired. 🤦🏻‍♀️ These misguided attempts at feminism really do not do her any favors, she has a lot more agency as simply the Really Bad Girl who just wanted money and power. Minus 5 points for not letting Milady have any fun and minus another 10 points for giving her an abusive ex-husband!

As for Athos, IMO it's always much more compelling to let him be the guy who tried to kill his beloved wife for betraying him, than to make him the spineless man who turns her over to the authorities for Handwavium. Yes, it's pretty fucked up. But it's much more humanizing and makes him a darker, more interesting character. And I will always maintain that.

(This movie is so fucking dark, all the scenes take place at night or in some cthonic tunnels or prisons ffs have mercy on my eyes!)

Oh dear, here we go again. Milady taking a Dramatique - and completely unnecessary - dive off a cliff. Only this time, we know she doesn't die because.... She can swim? And definitely will not have all her bones broken by that 1000 ft fall. Minus 20 points for lazy writing.

(My God, everyone is so dirty, you would think they never did their laundry in France 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Ironically, the only well lit scene takes place in what looks like the Notre Dame which is just very silly as that place is a sepulcher.

(Once again, we are advancing the plot by having super secret conversations conducted in the middle of the palace with an open door where anyone can see and hear you plotting 🤦🏻‍♀️ Minus one petty point.)

Okay, so poor Constance has been kidnapped, and our young hero (who is already a Lieutenant because he and his pals conveniently saved the King's life in a plot twist that was very necessary in other to return Athos to favor in this version) lies unconscious in the streets. They probably didn't even try to kill him this time because they know he's immortal. And speaking of people who just won't die, in a mid-credits scene, it is confirmed that Milady is indeed, very much Not Dead Yet. Surprise! The scene is now set for war in The Three Musketeers: Part 2: Milady.

In summary:

I tallied up my totally random points and ended up with a score of -51, which is Not Good, my friends.

Okay, so I've seen much worse? It's better than Atrocity in 3D, for example, which was just barely watchable as a film and as an adaptation. But they changed so much about the plot and some of the main characters, that it doesn't really feel true to the spirit of the book at this point, which is my main criteria for measuring whether an adaptation is successful. And the main reasons for that are because it's much darker and grittier and less fun than the novel. Which - Quelle domage!

I know that as an unrepentant Athos fangirl, I tend to be biased, so I was trying to be on guard (heheh get it?) for my own biases while watching this. But it's really difficult when Ya Boy is such an integral part of the novel as well as this particular adaptation. And so I must regrettably come back to what a shame it is that they've cast a 60 year old Athos (Vincent Cassel is 57 and he's a fabulous actor whom I've loved in many of his worlks), and I feel like they had to rewrite his character to be more age appropriate and less of the drunken asshole he is in Dumas' first d'Artagnan book. But that's the asshole I fell in love with, and will stan forever. Without him going around beating his servant, indulging his gambling addiction, and being a sarcastic pain in everyone's ass, it's just a completely different story.

Pros:

Hot Eva Green!

bisexual Porthos!

d'Artagnan is given a much less creepy love story with Constance (and I assume he will also not be nonconning Milady in this adaptation)

The King and Queen are much more humanized and sympathetic here.

Cons:

Visually really drab, everything is brown, everyone is dirty.

Very little humor unlike in the novel and some other adaptations.

EVERYONE IS WAY TOO OLD, which changes the feeling of the story significantly, and IMO for the worse, because these people are just not allowed to have fun, and subsequently, neither is the audience.

I will still absolutely be here for Part 2 because I am a masochist!

Grade: B- as a piece of art, but a C as an adaptation of the Dumas classic.

#the three musketeers #2023 the three musketeers #alexandre dumas #the three musketeers: d'artagnan

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a-random-fandom-friend · 1 year

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review des trois mousquetaires (2023)?

Cons :

Athos is too old

Porthos doesnt have enough screentime (almost none at all, in fact)

Sometimes a bit too much shaky cam ?

In some parts they dont care about the canon at all. For example, Constance is just single, and there's nothing close to a relantionship between d'artagnan and Milady. I'm personally fine with it (mostly thanks to bbc musketeers) but i know some people will be put off by that.

It's part 1 of 2 movies; even tho they managed to do one complete movie (whith high stakes and a satisfying resolution), they have to set up part 2 so it does end on a kind of cliffhanger

I wish there was more swordsfights :c

Pros :

The swordfights that were here were EXCELLENT. The big one at the beggining ("We're 3 against 20 !"/"No, we're 4 !") is basically ONLY one shot, of several minutes people jumping and swordfighting ??? It was AWESOME

As I say, the movie is complete even without part 2 (and the maybe 10 last minutes), which i think is quite impressive

D'Artagnan is a puppy <3 proud and ready to fight the world, little gascon boy

The romance in this movie is genuinly very good. The men are so in love. Poetry and ache.

The dialogue (especially in the first half) is sooo satisfying. It's quick and witty and sarcastic, i love it.

They made one change with Porthos; well, more like made something canon that i thought was only implied in the book about his character. No spoil, but i reaaally liked it. I hope he gets more screentime

There is one scene with Aramis that is just... 👌 chef kiss. Duris will never be Santiago Cabrera, but the scene where he needs to get infos from a guy ? 👀

They got hats they got swords they got cape they got wordplay, I was satisfied

Btw costumes ? Very cool

And the locations too

(Also the king is autistic, he's me, i love how he talks, it's very fun)

Conclusion : a fine adaptation, not the funniest nor the most faithful but I enjoyed it a lot. However it's only the 1rst part of a 2 parts film so I will wait for part 2 (out in december) to know if the film overall achieves its goals !

#hope it answers your questions !#also there were some set up for part 2 (porthos' backstory for example) which also read well if this was a single movie #les trois mousquetaires 2023 #i am a simple pal i see a good cape & sword movie - i like it #les trois mousquetaires

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stromuprisahat · 1 year

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there's no wrong answer about this I'm just curious: if you had to choose between all the characters of the grishaverse show Vs books, which would you go with? And yes, I mean with all their flaws and writing narrative (for instance show Ivan > book Ivan etc)

Alina Starkova- book

She's a nutcase, herd of psychiatrists could make a living out of treating her. Codependency, self-gaslighting, confidence issues... it would be interesting, if we could blame it on her life-long wasting sickness. What makes her better for me is her honesty. She doesn't want to be part of this story.

The Darkling- both

I can't pick one, I love them too much. I like to think book!Darkling is less cold than we're lead to believe, because we mostly see him through the eyes of his enemies and when we get his POV, he immediately adopts the biggest bunch of losers around. He's more of a wet cat, show!Darkling hopeful idiot. They are both much better than I would ever be in their situation.

Zoya Nazyalensky- book-TGT

I never liked her, but she was tolerable as a mean bitch.

Malyen Oretsev- show

They retconned the hell out of him to make him less of a dick, what's left looks like a nice boy, supportive brother with a name and preternatural skills from the book.

Baghra Morozova- neither

She's a horrible hag and one of the true villains of Grishaverse. I hate her immensely.

Genya Safin- book1 or show

The wasted potential! One of those characters that should've been MC... minus her post-S&B lobotomy.

David Kostyk- book

... because Luke will always be d'Artagnan to me.

Nadia Zhabin- neither

She's only there to prop up the current MCs and gain some diversity points.

Marie- neither

One-dimensional punching bag.

Ivan- both

Book!Ivan is realistic joy, Simon Sears' scowl and delivery of that one speech in the carriage would make him proud.

Fedyor- show, for now

TBH I don't remember him much from the books. He was only briefly in the first one, and I didn't get to him again in the next. I love his loyalty and dynamics with Ivan in the show.

The Apparat- neither

Another true villain. This time in creepy, manipulative, cultish way. He should have burned.

Kaz Brekker- book

The whole "human trafficking's okay, where there's enough money involved" plot...

Inej Ghafa- book

They made her into another religious fanatic. Plus Inej "I'm gonna become captain of the ship to disassemble slavery" Ghafa doesn't care about other girls being sold?!

Jesper Fahey- probably book

I've read the books two years ago, and Jesper's the one I cared about least, so...

Nina Zenik- book

They made hormonal teenager into adult deserter. When you age her up, her whole romance with Matthias is like a Jewish resistance member abandoning her work to save Gestapo officer's life, because he surely changed.

Matthias Helvar- neither or both

Look, I'm all for the story of a murderous bigot changing into a better person, but a.) Book made it too quick for me to believe it. b.) Show sort of forgot what he was doing in the first place and made Helnik only into two soldiers from enemy countries.

Dubrov and Mikhael- couldn't care less

They're just a canon fodder to make Malyen sad. And horny dicks to Alina in the book.

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babischlong-six · 3 months

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Shipper Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me darling @the-marron !! I haven't even really thought about some of these questions so this was super fun <3

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

Looking back, probably any of my favorite ships from Rurouni Kenshin (for obvious reasons). I distinctly remember being very obsessed with Aoshi/Misao and Saitou/Sanosuke

Other than that, my many favorite ships from teen-ager-times still have a place in my heart, and if I'm struggling for something to read, I'll still peek in on their ao3 pages :)

2. Which ship would you consider your first one?

Something from InuYasha probably. Sango/Miroku? Sango/Kagome? Sesshomaru/Rin? Or maybe something from Pirates of the Caribbean like Norrington/Elizabeth or Jack/Will. The thing about "shipping" is that I would absolutely love fictional relationships, but never really "fandomized" about them until I was a teenager, so I can't really say what my first real ship was, just because there were always movies and books I was reading and thinking "Wow! I wish I could see more of these two!" (Athos and D'Artagnan for instance, or Legolas and Gimli) but I was so young that romance didn't really exist for me, it was more about the dynamics

3. Your first fanfic was about which couple?

The first fanfic I ever wrote? No idea. I would be writing all sorts of horribly grammatically incorrect little scenarios in my first (very ancient) computer's notes program - and I can't even remember which of them I published on ff.net. But it was probably something InuYasha - probably just the canon pairings.

The first fanfic I ever read was SasuNaru: it was published on DeviantArt of all places, written like a filler beach episode and I remember thinking it sounded really nice to be eating watermelon on the beach together.

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw fanart of?

Not even the foggiest idea.

5. Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

Maybe? I advocate for the "ship and let ship" lifestyle and I've had people getting annoyed with me for that, complaining that what I was shipping was not canon or disrespectful to the author (once in the discord FOR lovers of that ship, mind you!)

6. Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

My rule is never say never. There are some pairings I've never seen well done, but if I do see something good, I'll be converted.

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

Fitzier 🫣

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs?

See, as a multi-shipper, it's hard for me to have an OTP at all. Like ever. If I like a character, I'm interested in their dynamic with lots of different characters. And even with crack pairs, if I see a beautiful fanart or a well-written fic, or even someone explaining the pair in a way that clicks for me, I'm down.

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

Not really. Canon is canon, fandom is fandom. There are a few that I've thought it would be nice if they got together onscreen/on the page but never got angry if they didn't.

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

Among many, I would say probably XueXiao. I was absolutely shocked that they got shipped at all - but then I re-read the novel and was like: "Oh. No, yeah, I get it now." Like, I'm not obsessed or anything, but I am compelled by it.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, would've been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

Everything I have ever shipped in the history of ever, you mean? I love a good age-gap, or an enemies-to-lovers, or some power dynamic play, or even some angsty incest stories, or vicious hatefucking, or dub-con, or---

...You get the idea.

12. What is your favorite crack ship?

Unfortunately, I can't answer the question due to at least half of my ships being crackships. They are from completely different media? Check. They are from the same media but have never once interacted? Check. They have excellent chemistry and a fantastic dynamic but are very unpopular in fandom for whatever reason? Check.

13. What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

It comes in waves. Sometimes I'm in a sci-fi alien romance mood so I'll head over the Star Trek and B5 route (and read the same G'Kar/Londo fics or Kirk/Spock fics over and over again and cry myself to sleep.) Sometimes my friend writes something for a pairing I've completely forgotten about and I suddenly have to re-read everything they've ever written. Sometimes, I get into a piece of media and have to trawl ao3 for EVERYTHING (within certain parameters) of a certain pair that caught my eye.

14. What do most of your ships usually have in common?

Chemistry. Some kind of ability to constantly bounce off of one another - a constant give and take of meaning and expression.

Unless they can talk with/at each other for hours until they run out of breath and pass out, I'm not as interested. There needs to be banter, no matter if light-hearted or with deeper undertones. They just need to be able to talk to each other, even if most of the conversation is clever obfuscation of what they really mean.

15. What you absolutely hate in a ship?

Anything boring tbh. Oh, they're high-schoolers who are childhood friends and now they're holding hands and blushing? I don't care. Oh, they're planning a seaside wedding and nothing bad has ever happened, ever, and they love one another peacefully? YAWN. Oh, they're sitting down and having a talk about their feelings that sounds like it's come out of a the most recent therapy how-to booklet? Kill me immediately.

Give me adventure! Conflict! Chaos! Even just petty issues! PLEASE! I need these people to be doing something!

This has been very fun!

I'm tagging @elemental-queen-writes @polkadotcravat @bobafvcks @themurdochmemesteries AND anyone who wants to do this!

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musicallisto · 1 year

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the reason I love the three musketeers so much is that it's one of the most timeless stories I've ever read. every single adaptation I've ever watched works without feeling antiquated at all because the source material was So ahead of its time. Alexandre Dumas' Trois Mousquetaires codified all the great sagas that succeeded it (the young hero, naive and full of ambition, promised to a formidable destiny, leaves his native countryside to reach the swarming city where pitfalls, betrayals, and various adventures await him, accompanied by his faithful friends) that his narrative structure can be found absolutely everywhere - in fantasy, in science fiction... Nothing or almost nothing is dated in the work; the initial scene where d'Artagnan challenges each of the Musketeers to a duel one by one was funny in 1844 and is funny in 2023, the passionate and danger-tested romance between d'Artagnan and Constance was touching in 1844 and is touching in 2023, the jousts, both verbal and with swords, of the Musketeers were exciting in 1844 and are exciting in 2023. Reading the book blew my mind because I flew through it—it was SO entertaining!! SO funny!! It's quite literally the best story we have in French culture and I hope we never ever stop adapting it and reinventing it. un pour tous, tous pour un bitch !!

#en d'autres termes oui je viens d'aller voir le film d'artagnan et bien qu'il ne soit absolument pas parfait #(je HAIS ce qu'ils ont fait à mon mousquetaire fav athos 🔪 à un point tel que je voulais qu'il crève vrmt pour voir ce que le film serait #capable de produire en se débarrassant DU chef des mousquetaires)#mais françois civil je suis dispo lundi soir et j'aimerais avoir un rdv galant s'il te plaît si tu es dispo lundi soir et #aimerais avoir un rdv galant peux-tu me répondre pour qu'on puisse avoir un rdv galant lundi soir quand je suis dispo.#.fr #the three musketeers

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widevibratobitch · 4 months

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Tag Game: 9 People You'd Like to Get to Know Better

tagged by @stoportotouch. thank!!!!! haven't done one of these in a while. let's see 👀

last song:

act ii finale of Le nozze di Figaro, my beloved

currently watching:

1670 on Netflix, a mockumentary about the 17th century Polish nobility and im LOVING IT (also. does watching the same few Terror and Outlander scenes over and over again giggling and kicking my feet count...?). am still considering watching BBC Rome tho!

three ships:

Philip and Rodrigo (Don Carlos), Athos and Aramis (The d'Artagnan Romances), and uhh. gonna cheat here but Fitzjames and Crozier/Dundy/Sir John/Hickey... look i really just want to see unspeakable things done to this guy's cervix by as many doomed fucked up guys as possible.

favourite colour:

pink! and green.

currently consuming:

the consequences of my own actions. also i made some pretty solid scrambled eggs this morning.

first ship:

Don Giovanni/Leporello. ig i had ships before as a kid but this is the first one i was fully conscious of and the first one i really went INSANE over. i think it truly paved the way for my love and need for deeply toxic ships i developed in my teenagehood <33

relationship status:

uhmmmm *monkeylookingaway.jpg*

last film:

can't really remember but i think that's gonna be Chłopaki nie płaczą (Boys Don't Cry). a timeless Polish classic ngl

currently working on:

fighting off the dread caused by. yknow. The Horrors (ive been a procrastinating idiot and now... not the quencies man... omg everything but the repercussy...)

tagging: @hhorror-vacuii @verdiesque @girlscarpia @pizza-hats-of-the-world-1882 @smile-at-the-stars @mothqueton @smileofacaffeinatedsaint @tuungaq @diobrandosroom @hickeyknife (thats 10! oops!)

#tag game #i missed doing these actually! dunno if yall noticed but i kinda do like to talk about myself on the internet uwu #ANYWAY #also i feel like as a terror community dont speak about the insane possibilities of fitzjames/hickey nearly enough!!!!!!!

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