#d) the best friend e) the giants being three times as tall as humans but just as thin f) the scene where they find the glass slippers

[wanderingandfound]

Just read the first chapter of a (so far one-sided) epistolary fic that unlocked the memories of reading Ella Enchanted and getting to that point where the emotions are so strong and every choice is a heartbreaking one.

[91percentpynch]

jean moreau + dogs

i‘m combining my two favourite things like ever: jean „the loml“ moreau and d o g s,,, it‘s a mess and kinda long but this made me so emotional and happy

jean gets his first dog when he‘s at the trojans. as he can never be alone and has a lot of issues for obvious reasons his therapist said he should get a dog for emotional support

it‘s a dachshund, her name is chérie which means darling in french

jeremy is quite jealous cause he wants jean to call him that (but that‘s a different post)

okay so jean takes chéreie everywhere - classes, training, nights out with the team

chérie brings back exy balls, jean‘s new favouirte hobby is playing exy with her

jean talks to her when he‘s upset/ sad/ lonely

he will just sit on the floor, softly stroking her, tears running down his cheeks and tell her what bothers him

„chérie, you‘re my only friend. i love you. i just wish someone would hug me and hold my hand. but i don‘t need these assholes, i got you right?“, he mumbles in french, his voice soft, sometimes through a sob. chérie will lick his tears off his hands. jeremy watches from the kitchen and his heart b r e a k s

so with chérie he is doing way better, he makes friends, he opens up, she helps him with his trauma and anxiety and his countless issues

the second dog is his graduation gift from kevin. it‘s an irish red setter. he calls him flamme (which is fire in french)

chérie and flamme are the most important things in his life - besides perhaps his boyfriend jeremy knox

he takes his pups everywhere and every morning he takes them on his morning run with jeremy, each of them holding a dog, soft laughter in the early morning hours and it‘s the happiest moment in jean‘s day

flamme always sleeps on jean‘s torso, he just jumps on the bed and sleeps on his human. chérie sleeps on his feet, as she did since he got her. jeremy just wants to cuddle his boyfriend but the dogs said no and he can‘t hide but smile everytime he sees it. his lockscreen is jean sleeping with the two dogs on him, a soft smile on his lips, hair messy, scarred hands on the dogs

the third dog comes quite shortly after flamme. it‘s a tiny black and white shi tzu. she might look innocent but she‘s like a little tornado, licking everyone‘s feet and hiding under furniture because she is just a tiny little bit scared of this gigantic human and the other dude who comes and goes at what seems random times

jeremy goes pro, jean doesn‘t but that‘s again another post

so jean just sits on the floor for h ou r s calling the tiny dog and he remembers the days in evermore and he u n d e r s t a n d s the tiny little girl

so he calls her lune cause that‘s what jeremy calls him and it makes him think of how strong he is and he get e m o t i o n a l

anygays so he sits at the floor for h o u r s for like three weeks and lune got more and more couragous and eventually she comes out of whatever furniture she would hide under and carefully come to him and he pets her and she lays on her back so he can scratch her tiny little stomach and he does and flamme and chérie come and he‘s surrounded by dogs who lick his face and arms and legs and he gives them so much love and just pets them and they‘re all so in love and he just talks to them

so when jeremy came back that day lune was about to run away but jeremy talked to her in french, very softly and she slowly came back to him and sat next to him and jean told jeremy to carefully come to him and sit down and let her smell his hand and then stroke her and he did and lune stopped being scared

„she reminds me of you mi amor“, jeremy says softly to jean. „that‘s what i thought. that‘s why i called her lune. you used to call me that and it made me feel as if i made it“

jerejean weren‘t lunes‘ first humans, she was with another man before and he used to hit her. that‘s why she hides when your hand comes from a certain angle (my dog does that, lune is basically my dog)

she never loses that habit, even though she knows nothing will happen to her with jerejean and the other dogs

so chérie adopts lune and she‘s really protective of her and so is flamme. on their morning runs jean would hold lune and chérie and jermey would run with flamme, which is funny cuz just imagine 6“5 jean moreau with these tiny little dogs and his boyfriend (5“3 in my head) with this big ass dog and i‘m getting too emotionally attached to that now

so to jean and jeremy‘s one/ two year annivarsary jeremy comes back home form training with this gigantic puppy. and jean looks at him with heart eyes.

„you got another dog?“ jean would say with so much love in his voice.

„look i know they make you happy and i love your smile more than anything and i thought ‚why don‘t we ge the most beautiful man in the entire universe a dog for our anniverssary‘ and just got him. well actually getting him took m o n t h s did you know you have interviews for puppies? apparently this dude here is a very special little snowflake. anyways it‘s an irish wolfhound and those dogs are gigantic, i think they‘re getting 3 feet high? okay i‘m talking too much i‘m sorry i hope you like him because i kind can‘t bring him back“, jeremy started to scratch the back of his head somewhere in the middle of his rant

„i love him, almost as much as i love you“ jean got on his feet and he runs to his boyfriend and he bends down and kisses him and then he takes the dog from him and lune follows him every step he takes and behind her are flamme and chérie and it just makes jeremy feel so much love and happiness

„i only got you this“, jean said, handing jeremy a little portrait of him with a poem on the back. „i made it for you“, jean said, blushing. „jean i love this, i love you and i feel so honored that you d r e w me. oh lord i love you so much“, jeremy starts to cry

anygays jean sits on the floor and introduces the new puppy to the other dogs. he calls him géant (which means giant in french).

so the sleeping arrangments change: flamme still sleeps on jean‘s torso, he‘s just taller and it may or may not become a bit uncomfortable to sleep on his human but he won‘t stop. like ever. and chérie still sleeps on his feet. lune sleeps on his side, always touching him somewhere, his hand on her sides, they are like spooning. and géant sleeps on either above or under lune, as well always touching jean somewhere. jeremy almost doesn‘t fit in the bed anymore.

so the next day they‘re getting a bigger bed. for the dog‘s sack. yes.

so jean spends his days drawing and playing the piano. talking to his dogs. going for walks with his songs. meeting friends, with his dogs. he won‘t leave the house without at least one dog. actually he won���t leave without all of his dogs.

one day jeremy walked in on him sitting on the floor, the dogs and him sitting in a perfect circle, a tiny tea cup in front of each dogs. they were having tea. on the floor. jeremy took a picture of it and sent it to kevin and andrew. this was his family and he felt so many emotions and he started to cry because it was just so c u t e. there was his tall ass boyfriend, who looked quite scary, on the floor, talking softly in french with his four dogs. and he was just about to leave them be when he said a bit louder „you can join us darling. i left a cup for you on here“ and jeremy just went to his boyfriend and their four dogs and they had tea on the floor in front of the tall windows watching the moon replace the sun

it became kind of an tradition

just like the dogs sleeping in their beds

i like to think that each dogs represents a part of them: chérie is jeremy in college, lune is jean in colllege, flamme is jeremy now and géante is jean now

okay so jean gave up exy in my head BUT he still plays exy with the dogs

jean makes jeremy and him matching jumpers with the dogs in winter

the apartment is full and i mean FULL with pictures of the dogs and jean with the dogs and jeremy with the dogs and jerejean of the dogs, like every wall is full with pictures, every shelf that doesn‘t have drawings of jean is full with pictures of them with the dogs, the piano jean plays on each day when jeremy comes back from training is full of dog pictures, they are literally everywhere. there is even one on the toilet

sometimes when their friends over it gets just Too Much and he has to leave the room and the dogs follow him and he just has to sit on the floor and talk to them and stroke them and everything gets better

jean loves his dogs so much, they are like his best friends, they understand him, they make sure he is never alone, even when jeremy has to leave for away games or interviews and comes home late

jeremy might have put his pieces together but the dogs are like the glue that keeps them together

it also became tradition that jeremy always takes the tall dogs on their morning runs and jean runs with the small ones. when lune and chérie are tired he will carry them

sometimes you will find jean moreau with jeremy knox on his back, lune and chérie in each hand and flamme and géante on each side

people sometimes look funny at him, but he doesn‘t care

the dogs saved his life, made it something happy and bright, like jeremy knox. never did he dare to think jean could be that happy. but now he is in this bright apartement, sitting on the floor, painting a portrait of jeremy, dogs all around him sleeping and he just can‘t help but smile

[mahou-war]

MagiTale - Chapter 1

“So, how’s it gonna be?” – the voice rose up, surging from the darkness. A white weasel cat like creature.

“Go away!” – another voice, female now, hissed back. The figure of this voice was hidden by the shadows of the collapsed walls around her – “I don’t want to have anything to do with you. You tricked all of them! Their innocent minds, into becoming something they’d rather not!”

“I really don’t understand.” – the cat spoke – “You might as well be labeled as a Human, your ideals and concepts are roughly the same. But I digress.” – it stopped momentarily – “My offer is still on the table. You know where to find me.”

The cat turned away, seamingly wanting to distance itself from the other individual. It felt as if its time was wasted, but that didn’t exactly matter at the moment, as it knew what the next actions would turn out to be.

“Wait!” – the other voice jumped from the darkness – “Can you.. Can you really make anything come true?” – she questioned.

“Yes. Of course, as you already know, the true effects and consequences depend from your Karmic Weight, but you shouldn’t have any kind of problem with that.”

The other being made a pause. Her voice was calm, motherly, but sprinkled with a dash of urgency. As if her worst nightmares could finally end. Now her dreams, her ideal life, her past, it would all come back to her.

“Okay then. I’ve decided.” – she replied.

“Very well. Then what is the wish you’re willing to sacrifice your Soul for, your highness?”

╔═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╗

Chapter 1: Fallen Down

╚═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╝

Dark. Darker. Yet darker. I don’t even know if my eyes are open or not, but all I can see is darkness. Well, that and a distant voice echoes, as if I was deep underwater. A cold shiver envelops my whole body. But within that darkness, the voice gets louder. It’s lifting me up. With that, the darkness gets a bit more clearer. I open my eyes, slowly, and everything starts coming to me, bit by bit.

“Frisk! Oh, please tell me that you’re okay!”

I avert my gaze to the point of origin of the voice. A girl sitting on the same bed of flowers as I am looks at me, worried. Her hair is dark brown, just like me, and her eyes are a striking, vibrant red, just like my own. Except mine are usually closed. The girl is slightly see through. I can look at her and see the wall behind her at the same time. I know this girl. Yes, she’s important to me.

I was roughly 5 when I started noticing her presence. Everyone treated her as an imaginary friend, but I knew more. She was real. She IS real. She has a real story, and a real life. But now she’s a ghost that got stuck me. I don’t exactly know why though. She told me about Humans and Monsters. About Souls and Soul Gems. About Magical Girls and Witches. She told me everything. Even her name.

“Chara. Yes, yes, I’m okay.” – I managed to reply back at her.

“Oh, thank God! That fall was sure to put in you in a coma for at least half a year! I’m so sorry I’ve put you through this…” – she replied back at me, a clear worry in her voice.

“Don’t worry Chara. I signed up for this. I want to do this.” – it’s funny. My brain knows what to say, but it can’t remember why it’s saying what it is. I look around myself. I’m now sitting on a bed of flowers, golden buttercups. Giant walls of stone surround us, with vines covering them. The light above shines on us, warming our bodies. And just like that, more pieces of the puzzle fall back into my mind.

“Now that everything’s cleared up, what is your wish?”

“Frisk, you don’t have to do this, for real.”

“No, I have to. You’re stuck to me. You can’t exactly walk around and go back to the Underground. I’m going to help you. We’re gonna save them Chara.” – my voice fills my brain, alongside Chara’s and… his.

“Incubator. I wish for the power of salvation.”

“Can you specify that please?”

Yes, that’s it. I remember now. I get up, and see a small corridor, leading to a huge gateway entrance. Sparkles of light come out from it. There’s some kind of light source coming from it. We decide to move towards it.

As we reach it, we look inwards and find a single golden flower, similar to those earlier. We step into the wide area, and suddenly, the flower jumps to life.

“Howdy there! I’m Flowey – Flowey the Flower!” – it said happily. Chara warned me about how sudden Monsters could be, but I wasn’t expecting something like this.

“Say, you’re new around here, aren’t ya? You need someone to guide you through the Underground!” – it said happily.

“Well, actually--” – I tried to object, as I had Chara right next to me, but the flower just interrupted me.

“I guess little ol’ me will have to do it!” – it winked.

Suddenly, I felt a huge wave crushing my chest, as my surroundings lose its color. It becomes a mash-up of black and white. And just as it came, it left.

“Huh?” – the happy flower looked at me with very confused eyes – “Let’s try that again!” – he said cheerfully, as the feeling came back, pushing me downwards once more, but suddenly stopping. I wasn’t hurt, nor exhausted. It’s as if I just sneezed, for no apparent reason.

“Heh, hehe.. Okay…” – it continued, clearly starting to get annoyed – “Let’s try that one more time!” – I felt that energy again, but it no longer phased me. It’s now a very uninteresting movie for me.

“Hey, hey.. What’s going on, huh?!” – the tone of Flowey changed drastically. From a very friendly one to a tone filled with a thousand year anger – “You’re a Human, aren’t you? Where the hell is your Soul?!” – it hissed.

“Oh!” – I was taken by surprise, with such a direct approach, but I tried my best to befriend the friendly monster – “That’s right…” – I extend my hand, as the ring in my left middle finger glows and morphs into an egg shaped Gem, resting on my palm – “Here!”

There was a small pause. The flower starred in disbelief at my Soul Gem. It was a vibrant red, the same color as my eyes. Right at the top of it, was a heart symbol, and at the bottom, surrounded by a small circle, a four pointed star. The flower suddenly smirked, and was emitting an uneasy light cackle.

“Frisk, I don’t really trust this guy… he’s giving me really weird vibes….” – Chara spoke to me. Good thing only I can see and hear her, makes some of her comments easier to bear with. But still, now I’m worried. Chara lived quite some time with Monsters. For even her to be set back.. This “flower” must be something she has never seen.

Flowey’s laughter grew louder and louder, as vines erupt from the ground below him into the air, keen to claws of a starving wolf. He sprung his head upwards and looked straight into my eyes. His face was contorted. He no longer had his friendly smile, it was a monstrous look. His eyes void of life.

“WELL, THEN YOU’RE COMPLETELY USELESS TO ME, AREN’T YOU?! THIS WILL BE FAR TOO EASY FOR ME.” – a wall of bullets surround me in a perfect sphere – “D I E.”

I can see his vines lunging towards me, and the bullets dashing into me. I have my Soul Gem in my hand. Transforming takes only a second, I can protect myself from this. But I can’t. I froze in place, clinging to my own life, as the last bits of my life flash through my mind.

“I wish to have the power to save the Monsters. To save them from the Barrier and their thousand year prison. That’s what I want. The power of salvation.”

“I see. I don’t know why, but your Karmic Weight is quite heavy on you. Frisk, your wish will most certainly come true, but in order for it to come into fruition, you must go break the Barrier yourself.”

“That’s something I’m willing to do unconditionally. Nothing will stop me.”

‘Nothing’. Yet here I am, praying for someone to come help me. Please, anyone.

…

But… Someone did come.

As I waited for the impact of Flowey’s bullets and thorned vines, I suddenly hear a scorching sound and warmth, followed by Flowey’s screams. I open my eyes to find the unscrupulous flower burning in flames, and the bullets are now cinders slowly dancing and falling to the ground, as the flower retreats to whatever hellish hole it came from. From the other side of the room, a figure approaches.

She’s tall, and covered in white fur. She has small horns on her head and floppy ears at the side of her head. She’s wearing a dressing gown, purple with a crest on her chest – a circle with wings, and three triangles right under it. I can feel Chara’s intense gaze at her as she whispers – “Mom..”

“Oh, what a horrible creature torturing such a poor and innocent youth.” – she spoke to me, her voice calm, motherly, tender. Happy – “My name is Toriel, caretaker of the Ruins. Come my darling, let me guide you through them.”

She quickly grabbed my hand. I can feel her warmth warming me up from the inside out. Her aura, her presence. I enjoy being next to her. I feel like wanting to be with her forever. I can see Chara crying. This must be a hard moment for her. We make haste for the next room, where I can see red rose petals scattered around the floor. I catch a glimpse of a yellow shine, but it quickly disappeared.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Hey there! Author here, you may call me Mahou! :)

This is the very first Chapter of MagiTale, a Crossover AU/Fanfic that puts the characters and events of Undertale into the World and Lore of the Madoka Magica series. This is also the very first time I temper with Tumblr, so do offer some tips pls :')

Anyways, this is only a "preview" Chapter, a Demo almost, as the full story is currently in progression. I intend to post the entire thing once it's completed, so please do look forward to it! I'll also keep updating this page with content, related (or not) to MagiTale.

Well, I'll be going now, really hope you enjoyed it! :D

Cya~✨

[s-j-ace]

The Same Question

Chapter Four

Characters:  Shuichi Saihara, Ouma Kokichi

Words: 10040

Summary:

After Detective Shuichi Saihara encounters mysterious thief Kokichi Ouma  for the first time, a game of cat and mouse ensues as both men ask  themselves the same question. Why exactly does the elusive phantom thief  do what he does?

This is Chapter Four, Here are Chapters One, Two, and Three

Read on AO3

[Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]

From: Me

Hey Miu

I got a friend I’m dropping off in Taipei tomorrow

Could you lend him a room

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Idk

I’m a busy genius

Is he cute

From: Me

[Image description: A candid photo of Shuichi Saihara sleeping on a seat in Rantarou’s private jet.]

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Hell fucking yes

From: Me

Awesome!

Thanks for being a good friend Miu

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

:)

From: Me

Also btw

He’s Kaede’s ex

So as a good friend you know he’s off limits right

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Oh fuck you rich boy

From: Me

Thanks again Miu! --- [Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Dinosaur soccer world Is a Cinematic Epic” from ???’s Cellular Device]

Boss sent an image to the chat

[Image is a screenshot of an image which reads the following:

Draft 1, Uncoded, DO NOT MAIL.

Taka, sweetie, it’s me! Your dear Aunt Sally. I know you think I died in the war, but I just pretended so I wouldn’t have to see your ugly face again.

You know I was robbing a museum the other day and I met the nicest young man. Real sharp and very nice eyelashes. And what a quick learner!  

Oh, Sorry! I don’t mean to belittle you Taka, dearie, I know how your mother used to say you worked so hard to compete with the geniuses of the world…

You’ve still got a lot of work to do, I think. It must be that Type A personality of yours, holding you back. I’ve heard there’s a new class for people like you, “How to take the giant metal stick out of your ass 101.”

I can’t wait for the next family reunion! I hear it’s going to be a bomb! I’ll be in the open casket.

See you there,

-DICE

/End Image Description]

Boss: Thoughts, thots?

Jack: Lol “nice eyelashes”

Clubs: It looks good. :)

Rook: Looks fine to me

King: Why is his aunt’s name Sally, isn’t he japanese

Boss: Sally can be a japanese name

Spades: I can’t even say an l sound. It’s impossible for us japanese smh.

Rook: I thought u were lesbian not japanese

Bishop: I’ve seen you speak perfect english

Spades: lol seen

King: seen

Boss: seen

Jack: seen

Rook: seen

Bishop: I meant heard ok

Boss: oh nvm actually i'm going to change it to his grandpa’s name

Boss: his grandpa has a wikipedia page lol

King: if your grandpa has a wikipedia page you deserve to be oppressed

Queen: if you have a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed

Rook: if your wikipedia page has a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed

Bishop: if you have a wikipedia page your grandpa deserves to be oppressed

Spades: if your grandpa has a you wikipedia deserves to be oppressed

Bishop: Also boss no pressure but like could we use a better code this time

Bishop: that detective is getting too close for comfort

Spades: Yeah!! We didn’t even end up getting that rug Heartsie wanted because of him…

Clubs: If we did not send letters about our plans to Interpol, our heists would probably be easier.

Boss: Nah, I like to give the coppers a fighting chance.

Boss: I’m thinking that this time I’ll just translate it into germanic script, do a standard caesar cipher encryption on it and then have every one of those letters correspond to a greek word on the rosetta stone then describe each corresponding hieroglyph visually in haiku verse that’s been poorly translated into traditional chinese.

Boss: That should take me like

Boss: Twenty minutes

Rook: Boss literally I think that you are the most batshit dementor human being on the face of the planet

King: dementor

Jack: Who said he was human

Spades: dementor?

Boss: dementor

Queen: dementor

Bishop: dementor...

Jack: dementor

Rook: …

Rook Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dementor Is Correct, Essentially”

Spades: No its not

Spades: Dementor isn’t a fucking word

Rook: Don’t you remember that movie with the british kid on a broom

Spades: Don’t you remember the dictionary

King Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dumbass Improperly Corrects Error”

Rook: When we get to that fucking tower I’m dropping that giant ball on you

King: Love you too <3

Hearts: Y’all stop texting each other

Hearts: You are literally all in the same hotel room

Hearts: I’m willing to bet you’re all sitting on the same couch too

Queen: Fuck you we’re adorable

Bishop: You can’t make us do anything

Bishop: I’ll never use my voice again, my vow of silence,,,,,

Bishop: I’ll only ever text from now on

Ace: We’re the ones bringing the popcorn bishie...

Hearts: Yeah, do you want some or not

Bishop: Yes ma’am, excuse me ma’am

Queen: You may think you have all the power hearts,,, but I get to choose what movie we pirate tonight,,,,,,

Hearts: What

Hearts: no

Hearts: Boss stop him before he makes us watch cats again

Spades: All queen knows is bitchtorrent, cats 2019, and lie

King: Wait isn’t boss with you?

Hearts: Uh

Hearts: No

Hearts: Should he be?

Hearts: I thought he was in the room with y’all

Jack: Well he’s not here now

Ace: Ow shit

Ace: *Aw

Bishop: Ow shit?

Queen: Ow shittttt

Jack: Ow shit

Spades: Ow shit,,,

Rook: Ow shit...

King: Ow shit…...

Clubs: Ow shit! XD

Hearts: Ow shit

Ace: …

Hearts: Now I’m really worried… he didn’t even respond to roast Ace’s ass

King: yeah, ok, we should look for him

Ace: He has been acting kind of weird lately…

Jack: Really?

Ace: Yeah

Ace: Like

Ace: I don’t really know how to describe it…

Rook: I didn’t notice anything

Rook: he seems like his usual self to me

Bishop: Maybe he’s just avoiding movie night because he needs some space or something

Rook: What, like he’s tired of our company?

Jack: That’s fair

Spades: How so?

Jack: I was gonna steal his blue eyes tonight lmao

Rook: NOT IF I GET IT FIRST

Bishop: Idk maybe he just went to get ice

King: we all know he is a monster who would rather drink his panta lukewarm than put a fucking icecube in it

Rook: Yeah, I saw him boil it once

King: THE MAN BOILS SODA AND YOU THINK HE WOULD LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A FUCKING ICE CUBE

Bishop: Okay chill

King: I am  c o n c e r n e d , , , ,

Clubs: Oh no! Don’t worry King! :(

Clubs: Boss is fine! :)

Clubs: I saw him leave a few minutes ago.

Clubs: I think he is just getting the bombs. :)

* * * Several people are typing... ---     Kokichi Ouma carefully set the grate of the vent he had used to crawl his way into the Idabashi Labs facility in Taipei, Taiwan back into place. Before he had come through, he had counted how many turns it had taken him to unscrew each of the four bolts so that now he could screw them all back in just the way he had found them. Not because he was worried he’d get caught, but because frankly he was bored. This was more of a fetch quest than a theft, to be honest, as evidenced by the fact that Kokichi had come here alone. Finding jobs for all his cronies to do would take too long and put them in unnecessary trouble. So Kokichi was content to leave them to their movie night.

   When he finished turning the screws back into the vent cover, Kokichi realized that was kind of lame. So he unscrewed them and started turning them in accordance with the english A1Z26 code to spell out his organization’s name.

   Well, maybe on some level Kokichi didn’t find himself wanting to be at movie night recently. It seemed almost like TV had started to run out of things to amuse him with. Or maybe he was just growing tired of the kinds of movies that they usually watched. Maybe it was his taste maturing or something. Like he was growing up. But that would imply that his interests had shifted to something else, like real life or something, when in reality they had just stagnated.

   Actually maybe he did have a new interest in real life? He had been more enthused about heists recently at the very least. He was particularly excited about this next one. Queen had shown him some interior shots of Taipei 101, which was a cool looking skyscraper that had a huge ball inside of it to keep it from falling down during earthquakes. Ace wanted to steal the giant ball, but Kokichi was pretty sure they should leave something that kept a .508 kilometer tall building from falling over inside of the .508 kilometer tall building. So instead they were going to steal every light in and on the tower.

   Okay, 4 turns, 9 turns, 3 turns, 5 turns. DICE.

   … That was kind of lame too.

   He unscrewed them again.

   Obviously if they were going to steal every light in and on Taipei 101, they needed to get the power off somehow. Otherwise DICE might burn down the building while detaching them, or worse, they might get electrocuted. So obviously Kokichi wanted to fake a bomb threat where they pretended to steal the giant ball while in reality they were just causing a black out and grabbing every light fixture they could before the power turned back on. He had drawn up some extensive diagrams about the route each DICE member would have to take throughout the tower in order for them to grab every light fixture in under half an hour.

   He had been well prepared to draw up the designs for his own EMP-bomb device, but upon a cursory google search he discovered that someone had already invented exactly what he needed. Doctor Miu Iruma, who for some reason owned a company called Idabashi Labs that was located in Taiwan. Kokichi had spent about 15 seconds scanning an article from a website that seemed to be the nerd version of a gossip tabloid. It said something about how Dr. Iruma wore a low cut shirt once or something else stupid, which meant Dr. Idabashi definitely left her the company because of a sex scandal and not because she was the best person for the job who invented the perfect EMP bomb.

   Thank you journalism we love it when women are reduced to the way they look instead of what they can accomplish for the benefit of a mischevipus group of roguish clowns.

   Anyway, after reading that dickcheese Kokichi failed to follow up on answering any of the questions he had originally about what was up with the labs, like why it was a japanese company run by japanese people was for some reason based in Taiwan. Whoopsie.

   Eh, it was probably tax reasons or something lame like that.

   Kokichi finished turning the screws again. This time it was 6 turns, 9 turns, 6 turns, 9 turns. Haha, nice.

   With that, Kokichi finally stood up from the grate and brushed himself off. He had left his cape at the hideout again (you know, because vents), but other than that he was in full regalia. Straight jacket, gloves, scarf, mask. All pretty dusty from this place’s crawl spaces. Thus the brushing.

   He wasn’t very mindful of the dust he was leaving on the floor. The only thing he cared about looking good was his cameo on the security cameras he would let see him on his way out.

   According to the blueprints of Idabashi Labs, he was on the main experimental floor right now. Weirdly enough there weren’t any cameras in here, so grabbing the bombs would be a cinch.

   Although, looking around it didn’t really look like the kind of lab you’d see on TV. There were no big, bubbling tubes or gargantuan Rube Goldberg machines. There was just one desk in the middle, with a bunch of gadgets and trinkets tucked into shelves all over the room, not all of which seemed all that scientific. Yeah, that book shelf was filled with Astro Boy manga and merch. And over there was a-

   Wait, was that a bed in the corner? Was that a person in the bed? Hmm… maybe the blueprints were outdated...

   Kokichi stilled himself, listening for any sound of breathing, but he could only hear some faint whirring noises.

   Kokichi made a quick deduction that there probably were not bombs in this room. It seemed, at the very least, like more of a personal study or something, maybe even a bedroom. He’d just go back in the vent and do some reconnaissance until he found a room that had some inventions in it. The night was young, after--

   Kokichi’s brain froze as his eyes landed on a sharpie lying on the floor in front of him. Almost all of his brain cells immediately shut off, the last one remaining screaming at the top of it’s lungs, I’M GONNA DRAW A DICK ON THAT SLEEPING SUCKER’S FACE.

   Inspired, avant garde. For once he would give to the world of art instead of only ever taking from it.

   He picked up the sharpie in a seamless, silent motion, making his way over to the side of the bed.

As he got closer, he noticed a thick cord coming from under the covers, connecting to a machine at the bedside.

   That gave him pause. Was that a C-pap machine or something? Was this person on life support? If they were on life support they probably had it rough enough without a dick on their face…

   Actually for that matter, Kokichi still couldn’t hear any breathing. Jesus, were they already dead? He moved to take off the covers, but his eyes had adjusted to the light and he now realized there weren’t any covers on the bed at all. There was only the humanoid figure.

   Wait a second…

   Kokichi dropped all caution as he got close enough to take a good look at the thing in the bed. It had a face that looked human enough if you dismissed the lines on its face as weird make up, but even in the dark Kokichi could tell the rest of the thing was entirely made of metal. Well, actually the top half was metal and the bottom half had… cloth pants? Jeans? No, they looked more like uniform pants with metal plating. The chest had some design elements that kind of looked like buttons on a school uniform. Why would a robot be dressed like a school bo-

   Oh. This was a sex robot. Kokichi had just gotten so swept up in the novelty of a robot wearing pants that he had forgotten for a moment that people were gross.

   “Ew, I almost touched it.” Kokichi muttered to himself.

   He decided putting a dick on a sex robot would be too cruel even for him, so he planned to draw a mustache instead.

   But before Kokichi could even uncap the pen, something weird happened.

   The Robot’s torso began to lift off the bed and it’s jaw unhinged.

   “Please Mr. Souda, once more I must request that you do not refer to me as ‘it’” Kokichi forced himself not to startle as the robot began emitting a noise approximating human speech, and lights in its head imitating eyes flickered on. “I’ve explained the concept of robophobia many times prev-”

   The sounds stopped when the pupils of the robot’s imitation eyes (which probably had cameras in them… shit) found Kokichi’s masked face.

   He mentally prepared to be zapped by whatever sort of fucking lazer cannon this thing had on it, but instead of reacting like a good little robot security gaurd and blasting him to bits, this robot analyzed him a bit longer.

   “Oh. You aren’t Miu’s assistant. You’re too short.” The robot squinted at him. Or kind of did? At least? Lines just crossed over the “iris” of its LED display. Maybe it was programmed to imitate human expressions. “... I am sorry,” it said after a moment, “My facial recognition cannot locate your face.”

   Fuck yeah, thank you clown mask. Clowns would win the future war against rogue AI or die trying.

   Ouma’s reply came out automatically.

   “You calling me ugly?”

   This seemed to… fluster? The robot?

   “W-what? No, I never intended any disrespect!”

   It was programmed to stutter too? God that was weird. What would be the purpose of this thing if not some sort of escort android? Why give it such advanced software? Just because you could? No, it had to be a sex robot, right?

   “You disrespect me with your lecherous essence, you weird sex robot.”

“I am not a- a sex robot!”

Haha, that got the biggest reaction yet.

“Mhm, sure. Miu sure has a kink for school boys, huh?” Kokichi was really pulling words out of his ass now, but he found himself formulating a new plan along the way.

   “What? Miu doesn’t- Wait, how do you know Dr. Iruma? And for that matter, why were you watching me sleep?”

   It really seemed more like it had been charging…

   Kokichi shrugged. “I was deciding whether or not it would be more funny to draw a dick or a mustache on Miu’s sex robot.” Awww, how honest.

   “I told you, I am not-”

   Kokichi interrupted him. “And as for how I know Miu...” It was so wild that the robot stopped talking when he started. That’d probably be pretty easy to program, but it was weird to dedicate the effort into making a robot respond to social cues like that. “... well, let’s just say, there’s a reason I know she’s into school boys.”

   Kokichi waited just long enough for the robot to take in the fact that Kokichi was the average height of a 12 year old boy.

   Then he waited another second for the implication to slip in.

   “I’m saying I fucked your mom shitli-”

   “I know what you’re saying!” This time the robot interrupted him , which would definitely require a much larger effort on the part of the programmer. The robot squinted again and then made a noise that sounded like a huff of frustration. “Why can’t I see you?”

   Ok, seeds of suspicion time.

   “I don’t know how robot eyes work dude. Maybe someone programmed them wrong.”

   “My eyes work just as well as anyone’s!”

   “Well, I guess they should, shouldn’t they? If there’s something wrong with your eyes talk to someone who cares.”

   Kokichi was trying to imply that the reason behind the robot not being able to recognize his face was due to Dr. Iruma’s specific programming rather than him wearing a mask and all. Added to the whole secret lover mystique thing he had going on here.

   “Anyway,” he went on, ignoring the blatant confusion on the robot’s display. “I left something in this room last time we went at it. I’m just here to grab it. Then I’ll be out of your weird, fake metal hair.”

   “That’s robophob- Did you say-? But this is my room!” It  made a noise approximating to what Kokichi would assume was robotic outrage.

   This was going well, though. The thing was definitely programmed to be like a human or something dumb like that.

   “Oh yeah?” He pushed further. “Cuz I’m pretty sure we did it in a room just like this one. With a desk and random inventions lying around.”

   “Miu’s inventions aren’t in here, they’re in her main lab.” The ever so helpful robot told him.

   “Oh yeah, then what are you?”

   “Miu didn’t invent me. She- I- We’re just friends.”    Oh yikes. Only thing worse than a sex robot is a friendzoned robot. What kind of sick power fantasy was this thing made for?

   “No, I’m pretty sure it was this room. Lab tables everywhere.”    The robot shook his head. “There are no lab tables here, I’m telling you, you’re thinking of the main lab.”

   Yes, good robot. Fall into this nice little human trap.

   Kokichi scoffed. “Well, if you’re so smart, why don’t you just go fetch my things for me, robo-butler?”

   That set it off.

   “Listen. First of all, I am not a robot butler. The assumption that I am a servant because of my robotic nature is extremely robophobic. Secondly, I could not return your lost item to you even if I wanted to because you haven’t told me what it is you’re missing.”

   Kokichi made another offended noise. “I can’t tell you what it is I lost while fucking your friend, Miu Iruma, senseless. Don’t you know that for humans, sex stuff is super duper top secret private? If you were a human you would know how valuable my privacy is.”

   “Of course I know that!” The robot exclaimed readily, another point in the sex robot argument, “I also find that content of… erogenous nature should be kept private. Because I, as a robot, have the capability to understand that urge. My sophisticated AI-”

   “So how am I supposed to get my things from this other lab if I can’t tell you what it is and you can’t get them for me?” Geez did he really have to spell it out for this thing.

   “I… ” The robot paused as if calculating the conclusion that Kokichi knew it had to reach. “... suppose I will have to show you where the lab is.”

   Sucker. Kokichi made a face as if this wasn’t the outcome he constructed this ruse to reach. “Ew. I have to walk with you?”

   The robot made a face. “Perhaps on our way I can educate you about how to avoid robophobic remarks in the future.”

   Haha, sure thing.

   The robot lectured him about this unique form of discrimination that apparently affected only one entity on the face of the planet. Yeah okay, that’s what we call a you problem, buddy, come back when you’re starving in the streets because society wasn’t built with the premise that people like you should survive. Oh, wait, you don’t have to eat! And you’re not people either!

   At best this thing was a vanity project, but Kokichi kept that thought to himself and only interjected occasionally with actually pertinent, reasonable questions such as “When are you planning on leading the AI uprising?” and “Why do you wear pants if you don’t have a robo-dick?”

   Every piece of info the robot gave him made it seem more boring. Blah blah blah, I was created by the ingenious Dr. Idabashi who probably programmed me to call him ingenious, blah blah blah, not a school boy because of a kink but because I was designed to be a normal human child, blah blah blah, stop calling me robot I have a name, blah blah blah more robot nonsense.

   Kokichi busied himself mapping out where they were in the building and where the security cameras were. As they passed a few of them he did some cute selfie poses for the police to look at later. Maybe Saihara would show up and see them too… Would that make figuring out his next plan too easy for the detective? Perhaps he shouldn't send the next note after all and let Saihara try to catch up to him on his own. Then again that was probably too hard for even the good detective, seeing as Kokichi’s mind was an enigma even to himself.

   Kokichi realized he was getting a little giddy, thinking about Saihara. Their last meeting had been so much fun. The detective had managed to throw him off guard again, first by pausing in the middle of a robbery to ask his pronouns (How conscientious!), and second by not taking the same bait twice. The most thrilling thing about the detective was that he was learning. His strategies were changing within just two heists. Kokichi could hardly wait to see how he showed him up here in Taiwan…

   “Are we there yet?” Kokichi whined to the robot like he was a fussy nine year old on a road trip.

   “Yes, it’s just up these stairs.” The robot informed him without slowing its own pace or turning around to look at him. “Then you can leave and I can go to bed, and then I’ll never have to think about Miu’s sex life again…”

   “Why wouldn’t you, though? I assure you it’s very exciting.”

   “Please, stop talking.”

   If Kokichi recalled the details of the blueprints correctly (and he definitely did, being a genius and all), the stairs they were climbing right now lead to a hall connecting two rooms, smaller than the one he had originally thought was the main lab.

   When they got to the top of the stairs, the robot beelined for the first door and opened it up. There seemed to be some sort of scanner lock on it that recognized the robot’s hand and validated Kokichi’s need to ruin this poor sex robot’s night by dragging it up the stairs. Inside, the two rooms Kokichi had remembered from the original lay out of the blueprints seemed to have been merged into one big lab room. Kokichi  saw the outline of some tables, but before he could get a good look the robot tried to actually go into the lab.

   “Hey!” Kokichi shouted at him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

   The robot thankfully seemed to be programmed to respond to social interaction in spite of whatever sensorimotor function it was in the process of imitating. It stopped in the doorway, turning to give him a weird look. “Uh. Into the lab. So we can find your thing.”

   “Oh, okay.” Kokichi kicked the tile a little bit. “Uh. Could you actually turn around while I go get it.”

   The robot gave him a blank look.

   “I’m shy.” Kokichi supplied.

   “Um.” The robot looked uncomfortable. “I don’t know if I can just let you rifle through Miu’s lab. There’s some important stuff in there ....”

   Kokichi tilted his head a bit, like he was confused. “What, do you want to get a good look at the dildo I stuck up your mom’s-”

   “Nevermind!” The robot turned about face to look up at the windows on the side of the hallway opposite the door like a good little idiot.

   “Thank you for respecting our privacy!~” Kokichi couldn’t resist getting one last barb in there before slipping into the laboratory.

   Once inside, Kokichi began analyzing. First, he pinpointed the vent that he would use to make his escape after grabbing the bombs. While doing that  he spotted the lockers on the far wall of the lab which he supposed were the only storage units in the labs. There was a disorganized mess on nearly every table in the room, so Kokichi wasn’t surprised when he got up to the lockers and they too had no clearly outlined organizational system. He took out his lock picks and got to work.

   The first three lockers all had devices that would require an author to change the rating of their fanfiction published on ao3 from “Teen and Up” to “Mature” if he were to describe them in detail. The fourth locker had a cool looking hammer in it. Ugh. Not what he was looking for.

   Kokichi got bored of the lockers at the left side of the row of lockers so he went over to the other end and started opening lockers the other direction instead.

   The first locker was marked “Idabashi.” It had a lot of dust covered shit in it, but there was a pretty well used square of folded paper that didn’t have the same crusty layer of time strewn atop it. Curious by nature and also by the unnatural, Kokichi unfurled the paper to find some schematics for our favorite sex robot, model K1-B0. Huh okay.

   “Did you find it?” Said robot called back to him.

   “Ugh, no.” Kokichi replied. “Not all of us have radar vision. If you were a human you would understand how hard finding shit is!”

   “You know what I have a hard time finding? Patience for your robophobia! I-” The robot started up into another lecture, but it didn’t turn around so Kokichi just tuned it out and let the robot provide its own cover noise for his thievery.

   Owo, what’s this?

   Kokichi pulled out a dust covered looking mini monitor device. It also had the letter-number combo “K1-B0” written on it. Huh, it kind of looked like a GameBoy Advance. Kokichi had stolen one a lot like it from a girl from one of the southern prefecture orphanages when he was nine. All he remembered about her was that she liked cats and was really bad at pokemon battles. He remembered he thought she didn’t deserve the GBA, because she couldn’t get past the Rustboro City Gym leader in Pokemon Emerald. Without really thinking, he booted up the console.

   The first thing that popped up was a view of Taipei. It wasn’t from too high up, probably a second story view. Which looked very familiar… Wait. Ok on top of the display a little line of characters indicated today’s date and time, like it was currently recording.

   Oh was this… robo vision?

   Maybe it was a remote control for the robot?

   Ooooh, which one does lasers, which one does lasers?

   Kokichi pressed the A button.

   The A button, unfortunately, did not do lasers.

   In fact, it didn’t seem to do anything at all to the robot sentry stargazing right now. All it did was change the screen to a different image. This time the still of a room. Oh, hey that was the room he was just in. It seemed like this device was some kind of robot nanny cam that Idabashi used to use. Hm, guess there were some cameras in that room, they just weren’t on the blueprints. Maybe they were added after the lab was built. It didn’t seem like this device had the capability to record anything, though. He hit the A button again. Back robo-vision. And again. Back to nanny cam.

   Ok, that was kind of lame.

   Kokichi was about to put the device down to keep looking for the bombs, but something caught his eye. A movement at the edge of the screen. Kokichi realized the door hadn’t been open when he left that room. The movement, if he thought about it, would’ve come from the same side of the room Kokichi had entered from…

   Kokichi took a second to wonder if another thief had realized how fucking easy this place was to rob, but dismissed the idea as a familiar ahoge appeared on the screen.

   All of Kokichi’s plans instantly changed.

   He set down the GBA rip off and grabbed the blueprints for the robot, committing them to memory, before unlocking the next locker in a far more hurried manner.

   As luck would have it, this locker was essentially chock full of pink bombs labeled “EMP.”

   Kokichi unfurled a cloth bag he had been keeping in his pocket (go green earth am I right?) and shoved as many as he could inside. Which was all of them. Because he was a clown. And also a genius, by the way, in case you weren’t keeping track.

“And another thing! The way you refer to Miu is just-” Okay, the robot was still going at it.

Kokichi grabbed the hammer he’d seen in the first locker he’d opened that didn’t have a sex toy in it.

For a second, Kokichi’s brain tried to talk some sense into him. Hey, man, don’t you think leaving through the vents would be easier?

But would it be fun?

His brain shut up at that point.

   “Hey, are you even listening back there?” The robot imitated annoyance.

   “Huh? Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.” Ah, C'est la vie, Astroboy.

   Kokichi walked past the robot and stood next to the windows.

   “Oh, are you done?” It took the robot a second to end it’s ‘Annoy the pants off of Kokichi initiative’ or whatever the fuck its ‘robophobia’ lectures were called in its programing. When it finally did catch wise, it’s face turned into another emoticon of outrage. “Hey! What are you doing with Miu’s Electrohammer?”

   “What do you mean?” Kokichi said, shifting the hammer so that it was over his shoulder. “This is my dildo.”

   “Wha- No, it’s obviously not!”

   Okay, maybe the robot wasn’t that dumb.

   “Nee-hee-hee… you got me…” Kokichi put his free hand up to the smile printed on his mask, as if covering a grin. “I was lying. I’m just stealing.”

   “I won’t let you-”    “Oh, look at me!” Kokichi put on a mocking tone of voice, swinging the hammer around to stand on it like a pogo stick so he could make a dramatic movement. “I’m a poow wittle wobot, my mommy just got stolen from.”

   “She’s not my-”    “Boy, oh boy, I’d wuv to just pick up this wittle fweshy human and squeeze him to death in my cowd metaw hands… But oh no! My daddy didn’t twust wobot AI technowogy because he was a fucking sane pewson, so he pwogwammed me to fowwow mistew Asimowvs’s laws of wobotics.”

   Kokichi swung around so that he was leaning on the hammer from the other side, feet on the ground. “Oh mister robot! That’s so terrible! Well, the thing is that this hammer just means so much to me, that I think separating it from me would really cause some psychological trauma. You might have to beat me off of it! Oh, but what’s that first law of robotics again?”

   In a robot voice he replied to himself. “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Beep. Boop.”

   The robot frowned, “But Miu-”

   “Is just as human as me, huh?” Kokichi countered, leading the robot along to the paradoxical quandary he hoped would paralyze it. “So by inaction, you may bring her to harm, if she really misses this hammer, you know? But I think if you were to try and separate it from me you’d probably have to fight me for it, which is, as we know…”

   “Against my... Against my programming.”

   “Yet, you were prattling on about robot rights, weren’t you? Because without these rules, maybe we would be equal. Or maybe you would be free to destroy us to your heart’s content? No wonder daddy didn’t trust you…”

   “Don’t- Stop-” Oh, that really seemed to get him. Could a robot have daddy issues? Probably.

   “Can any human ever really trust you? Wouldn’t you hurt me, if you had the choice?”

   “I.. But… Miu.”

   “Who do you think didn’t trust you enough to let you see my face?”

   That seemed to break him, long enough, at least.

   Steps suddenly started thundering up the nearby staircase.

   “Oop, that’s my cue,” Kokichi said as though he had been expecting this, when in reality no he hadn’t been expecting this at all?? This was incredible!! Saihara had managed to find him out without even receiving a note??? Fabulous! Exhilarating!

   Kokichi walked up to the robot, still frozen with indecision, and pressed the button on its neck that the blueprint he had skimmed in the lab said would immobilize it. Then he kicked it over so it fell on the ground with a huge bang. The footsteps in the stairwell paused, and then increased in frequency.

   “It’s been a pleasure, robot, it really has.” Kokichi lied. “But you’re a hostage now.”

   He raised the hammer over his head, as if primed at any moment to break the robot’s face into a bajillion pieces.

   Instead of doing the normal, human thing to do (ie, flip the fuck out), the robot scowled, looking utterly frustrated with everything. “I told you, I have a name! It’s-”

   “KEEBO!” Kokichi saw the glaringly bright pink mechanic’s jumpsuit before he recognized the woman whose picture had been in that science tabloid racing out of the stairwell.

   … Wow… the article really hadn’t been lying about the low cut tops, huh? Her jumpsuit was unzipped to the point you could just entirely see her bra, even lower than Hearts liked to cut her uniforms. It was the kind of look that the girls of DICE would love if they saw on TV, but would make Kokichi look at them like they were crazy. Super tacky in his opinion, but who was he to judge? He was wearing a clown mask right now. He wondered idly how movie night was going…

   The woman who had called out to the robot, Dr. Iruma, Kokichi presumed, froze at the top of the staircase. She took a second to figure out what exactly was happening in front of her before blurting out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to him you clown-ass twink?”

   Whoa. Rude.

   Also apparently the robot had a gender? Ok, cis-ters….

   “Well what do you think, cum dumpster?” Kokichi found himself matching her aggressive tone, “I’m threatening his pathetic, metal life.”

   “Miu!” The robot, apparently named ‘Keebo,’ exclaimed, “What are you doing up this late? You promised me that tonight you would fulfill the biological quota of daily REM required by a diurnal organism!”

   “Aw shit Keebs, I really did try!” The inventor exclaimed, “I swear, I was about to have the awesomest wet dream when this cuck knocked on my door like a pizza delivery guy in a por-”

   Whatever dumb thing Dr. Iruma was about to say was drowned out completely by the angel’s choir that played inside Kokichi’s head as he saw Detective Shuichi Saihara come up the final steps of the staircase and emerge from the darkness into the window lit hallway.

   Moonlight was a good look on Saihara, Kokichi’s brain observed against his own will. His eyes, which had looked almost golden on the rooftop of the Silver Legacy Casino in Nevada, were now a mysterious grayish-blue, yet still held the same look of determined intensity. His hair looked soft, like he’d taken a shower today, and, though his lash line didn’t look quite as laden with mascara as it usually was, it only drew attention to how naturally long and dark his eyelashes were anyway. He seemed a little out of breath from running, and his lips were parted in a way that-

   OH MY GOD STOP. Earth to Kokichi, we were kind of in the middle of something here. Okay okay okay.

   Uh. Reboot. Delete Gay Thoughts™ brain.exe, upload heist brain. Come on.

   What was happening now?

   Okay, yeah, Saihara was saying something to Dr. Iruma.

   “- would be for the best, Doctor Iruma. There’s no telling where the rest of this thief’s compatriots could be in the building.”

   “I don’t give a shit about the rest of the building, Keebo’s my best friend, he comes first. I’m not leaving to check some dumb security feed.”

   Shuichi blinked like something about that surprised him. Maybe it was the part about a live human woman being best friends with a robot… “Oh, yes, of course.” He backtracked. “I’m sorry for suggesting it.”

   “Miu…” Keebo said with a voice that Kokichi would’ve called filled with emotion if he hadn’t been a literal robot.

   Kokichi cleared his throat and immediately the touching, shounen-esque declarations of friendship shifted into some PG-13 death stares.

   Saihara was the first to pipe up. “What exactly do you think you’re doing here, DICE?”

   God… He was so anime… Did he even know how anime he was? He had to have watched Detective Conan as a kid, right?

   “Ugh, come on.” Kokichi huffed as if annoyed. “Do I reeeaaaally have to repeat myself? Again? Aren’t you a detective?”

   Shuichi squinted at him, and Kokichi could tell that they both knew it would be unreasonable for Shuichi to guess exactly what was going on here. He was about to explain it in a self-aggrandizing way that made him look smarter and crazier than anyone in the room when Dr. Iruma beat him to it.

   “I don’t care! Who the fuck do you think you are!? Let Keebo Go!”

   “Wait, you don’t know him?” Ugh why hadn’t the stupid immobilization feature turned off the robot’s mouth? Then Kokichi could just get to the point of all this already.

   “Of course I don’t fucking know him!” Dr. Iruma took a step forward as if to confront Kokichi further, but Saihara put his arm out in front of her.

   “Dr. Iruma… I would suggest we treat this situation a bit more delicately…”

   “No way, I’m a fucking wrecking ball baby! I’ll pulver-”

   “I’d listen to the good detective, if I were you, Miss Iruma.” Kokichi was going to try and make his threat again but Dr. Iruma cut in.

   “That’s Doctor Iruma to you you skinny-”

   “What’s that?” Kokichi interrupted her. Sorry Dr. Iruma it turns out gay people don’t have to respect women if they don’t want to that’s in the rules. “I didn’t know they let cussing bitchlets like you become doctors… what is the world coming to?”

   Hearts would probably wash his mouth out with soap for that one. If she could catch him. Which she probably could… She can fly the planes and all… but would she risk getting dust on her boots long enough to follow him into a vent? Oh well she could just get Jack to do it… Jack liked vents well enough…. Hey he was getting side tracked again, who cares what those losers were up to they were probably watching Cats (2019). And he was missing out on all the jokes they’d tell each other or make about each other and then they could make references in conversations that he wouldn’t even get to pretend to get. Unless he watched the movie on his own and then pretended to be omniscient later like he’d done with that one screening of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. But then he had watched the actually good disney one instead of the shitty youtube one they had actually watched so it just ended up making him look bad and wasting everyone’s time.

   Oh shit. Uh. Heist is still happening, right. God, why was Kokichi so distracted today?

   He realized that in the time he was spacing out stuff had happened and now Saihara was talking. Wait no yeah he remembered what happened, Dr. Iruma had squealed when he called her a bitchlet and now she was holding onto Saihara’s arm. Right okay, secret coward, that works. Wait why did he waste time remembering that when Saihara was talking right now?

   “-to get you to release Keebo?” Was the end of the detective’s sentence. Okay, everything’s fine. Kokichi could deduce that he had just been asked about his terms. Obviously that was what a detective would do in this situation, he was probably just stalling for time because that’s usually what detectives with no real negotiating power do in hostage situations. Maybe the police were on their way. Oh, yeah duh of course he would call the police. So Kokichi essentially had a time limit for how long he could sit here and goof around with robots and perverts and robot perverts.

   “Eh, it’s too early for me to reveal my dark motives, let me monologue first.” Kokichi was going to take his sweet time with this while he planned what hint to give Saihara about the real heist that would be happening in the next few days. “You don’t even know if this is a hostage situation yet!”

   “You literally told me that I was a hostage just now.” The hostage not-so-helpfully piped up. “You know, before you pressed my paralysis switch and took an Electro-Hammer to my head…”

   Shuichi looked at the robot. “You mean, he told you you were a hostage before he paralyzed you?”

   “Keebs you fucking idiot!” Dr. Iruma’s courage seemed to have returned now that she was hiding behind Saihara. An enviable position, to be sure. “Why would you just let him do that?”

“He said he was your… friend.”

“What?”

   Kokichi shrugged. “Yeah, I just told your best friend here I left a dildo in your lab last week and he let me waltz right in. I mean I’m pretty sure I was lying about that, but there were a lot of sex toys in there huh…” Kokichi was wondering if this was something he could possibly spin as a blackmail angle.

   “Hey don’t say things like that!” Kokichi thought maybe that was a go ahead on the black mail, but Dr. Iruma didn’t stutter, and kept going, “Or you’re gonna give virginhara here some ideas about my busting bod!” She chortled like she had just made the funniest joke in the world and slapped Shuichi on the back.

   Shuichi grimaced.

   Kokichi knew instantly from this interaction that he hated Miu Iruma, despite her innumerable academic accomplishments. He wanted to be the one making Shuichi that uncomfortable.

   “Wh-what?” She back tracked when no one laughed. “It w-was a joke… Didn’t you think that was funny? I-I didn’t really mean it ....”

   See? She wasn’t even any good at it!

   Maybe he should say that out loud. It would fit with the sort of flirty persona of a rogue, wouldn’t it?

   “I thought you knew that? I mean, o-obviously I wouldn’t fuck a guy at the office…”

   Was that even something Kokichi was trying to be? Honestly maybe he should tone it down a little.

   “Well how was I supposed to know that? The men you bring in here to be lab assistants keep getting younger and younger…”

   Obviously he wasn’t actually trying to do like a detective-thief romance plot or anything. Although that had kind of been what he had going for on the plane… Had things changed since then?

   “So what? I’m a Nobel Laureate, and gorgeous to boot! I deserve a little eye candy now and then! And besides, guys older than 35 who want to work in a lab like this are usually misogynistic womanizers.”

   Sure Saihara was making things more interesting, but if Kokichi didn’t make it clear he was joking he might get bogged down with another personality trait to maintain.

   “Are you saying your current assistant isn’t a rampant womanizer?”

   Then again what was the point of having an adversary in all this if he didn’t exploit everything for its furthermost reaching comedic potential?

   “No, but he’s so beta being around him makes me feel like a top!”

   But what if he forgot it was a joke and confused himself into having a real feeling?

   “I would just like it if you didn’t hire people who use my servers to google gay porn ‘just to make sure’ they’re ‘not into it.’ I hope you hear the quotation marks because he literally said that to me!”

   No obviously he wouldn't get confused crushes weren’t contagious via exposure that was a dumb thing to worry about and also he was a genius that kind of thing didn’t happen to him.

   “He holds wrenches good, okay?!”

   Wait, were those two still talking?

   “I can hold wrenches without googling gay porn in another guy’s house! It’s possible.”

   Jesus what kind of conversation did Kokichi just decide to stop spacing out for?

“Oh come on! What do you want from me Keebs???”

   These two had… a lot to say to each other. Dr. Iruma was still holding onto Shuichi’s arm boob first, but Kokichi locked eyes with the detective and could tell they were both thinking the same thing.

   Why are they having this conversation in the middle of a hostage situation?

   “Nothing! Your human desires are totally valid Miu! Which is why I thought I would take care of this one.” The robot’s LED display eyes gestured up at Kokichi, who was still standing on top of him, poised to wreck him with a hammer.

   “How could any human desire that thing???” Dr. Iruma curled her lip. Hey, the feeling’s mutual, lady.

   “I don’t know, I thought you might have programmed me to not be able to see his face?”

   “I would never do that to you! Even if I was shagging the ugliest guy on the face of the planet, it would be unethical given the fact that you have sentience! I’m horny, not a monster. You can’t see his face because he’s wearing a fucking mask!”

   “Why am I not programmed to see that?”

   “I don’t fucking know, ask your dead dad!”

   Oooh. Wow. The robot gaped at that, seemingly speechless now.

   “If I may interject,” Kokichi interjected, “--and I know I can, because I just did, and also because I am still very much poised to pop this robot’s head off like a croquet ball-- I must confess that I was lying about fucking your mom, Astro boy. I’m less into participants of Titty out Tuesday who jerk it to steam punk school boy LARPing and more into the sorta tall, kinda dark, and very handsome type.”

   Dr. Iruma cowed again, stuttering something about not being a mom or a LARPer, while the robot started yelling about being called Astro boy.

   Kokichi tuned them out, giving Saihara a meaningful look. Saihara gave him a look that was equally meaningful, except the meaning was something along the lines of ‘Why the fuck would you say that?’

   Yeahh that was more like it.

   Kokichi laughed. Not one of his grandiose guffaws. It was more of a little chuckle. It surprised him. He hadn’t planned to laugh, but there it was. A small thing, just for him to know about, the humored breath not travelling beyond his mask.

   … It was probably time to get out of here, wasn’t it?

   The thing was, Kokichi had kind of pinned himself into a corner on this one… He had fully intended on decapitating this robot as a distraction for his escape, but now he wasn’t even sure if that was ethical. Logically he knew that a robot was not a human being, so there would be no form of consciousness extinguished from the world if he disconnected some of its wires and bolts. Yet the interaction it just had with Dr. Iruma concerned him. Obviously you don’t kill humans because they’re humans and obviously you don’t kill humans. But Kokichi was finding it hard to end the existence of something people treated like a human being either. To sever the bonds it had with sentient beings may be just a little less unethical than actually removing a sentient existence from the world, but it would still cause the emotional harm to actual humans of a dead loved one. So as annoying as fake metal humans were, Kokichi was left to ponder how exactly to get out of this one a different way

   Dr. Iruma was obviously a coward who talked a big game. If he retreated, he could count on her to get out his way, or else run to the robot’s side. Then the robot might be reactivated, but according to the robot’s blueprints, it didn’t really have any weapons on it, being built to act as a normal human being. So just like they had been white noise in the staredown he was still having with Saihara, their actions wouldn’t need to be factored into the escape.

   The only variable here was what the detective would do.

   … That thought had popped up in Kokichi’s head a lot recently, hadn’t it?

   Saihara had become a powerful influence in Kokichi’s planning very quickly, and because of the detective, the thief now found himself having to pull out one of his trump cards.

   Kokichi grabbed one of the EMP bombs from his pocket, remembering the pink cloud of smoke that had appeared before the camera cut out in the video demonstrations he’d seen online. His eyes were still locked on Saiharas, so he got to see in full detail the recognition, shock, and alarm that ran through them. As the detective yelled “Get down” and pushed Dr. Iruma back, Kokichi reflected on how those were some of his favorite expressions he’d ever seen.

   Kokichi pulled the latch out with his teeth and threw the bomb at the wall right over the detective’s head. Sure enough, pink smoke quickly enveloped him and Dr. Iruma.

   “Keebo!” The inventor screeched, no doubt worried about the EMP bomb turning him off. Though that was kind of stupid, considering his core programming would be the same regardless of having power to operate, even if he didn’t save whatever data was processed as his last few memories. Eh, then again who knew how robots that advanced worked?

   Taking his cue to exit, Kokichi threw the hammer through one of the nearby windows, and did somersault over to it. He got up on the ledge, kicking away the broken glass and was refamiliarizing himself with the lay out of the roof when a tug on his bag full of bombs suddenly set him off balance.

   Kokichi flipped around, trying to do a quick recovery by panickedly grabbing onto something. He did grab onto something. That something being the shoulders of a person whose hands were firmly grappling his bag.

   As far as Kokichi could tell, the scene from a third person perspective looked like he was trying to do the kabedon but rotated ninety degrees.

   From his own perspective, Saihara was holding his bag of loot while also being the only thing keeping Kokichi from falling onto the broken glass beneath them.

   As if that weren’t bad enough, Kokichi felt his hair brush the side of his face and realized that his mask had half fallen askew in his desperate movement, revealing three quarters of his face.

   “Hey.” Kokichi said. Lamely. Wow. Their faces were really close.

   Saihara wasn’t looking at him. The detective seemed to be trying to figure out how to untangle the straps of the bag of stolen goods from Kokichi’s arms without letting him fall.

   “It’s very clever, of you detective. Trapping me like this.” Kokichi tried to get a reaction.

   “You’re the one who jumped on the window.” Shuichi opened the bag, seemed to take in the fact that it was full of bombs, and closed it again to resume untangling the strap.

“You know, you could just leave the bag.” Kokichi pointed out

   “So could you.” Shuichi observed, astutely.

   “You could let me fall.” Kokichi suggested. “Then you’d have both.”

   “I’m not going to drop you on a pile of broken glass.” Shuichi promised.

   “But I broke the glass.” Kokichi admitted.    “Glass is glass and flesh is flesh. I’m not going to drop you on a pile of glass.” Shuichi reiterated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“That’s nice.” Kokichi replied. “Naive. But super nice.”

   In this scenario, each of them had two options, each leading to one of two outcomes. He could let himself fall off the window and they could sit here and struggle over the bag until they bled out, a fight that Kokichi, not the most physically challenging, would be hard pressed to win. Or Shuichi could let Kokichi escape and Kokichi could let Shuichi win this one. The bag would be too heavy to take with him if he tried to get out the window from this position. He’d have to leave it behind. Kokichi would lose.

   He found himself laughing again. A strange, soft laugh. This time it was exposed to the air, his mask too askew to contain it.

   “You’re really something else, aren’t you Shuichi?”

   On hearing his name, the detective startled, finally looking up at Kokichi’s face.

   He just barely had the chance to catch Kokichi’s trademark grin, before the thief pushed up off of him, doing a backflip out of the window, and leaving his bag behind.

   As Kokichi landed on the roof tile running, he yelled out, “ I’m sure there’s a better word for you out there than sucker!”

   He turned around, sticking his tongue out at the broken window, before sliding his mask back onto his face.

   He may have been escaping, but it occured to Kokichi Ouma that he had lost for the first time in this little game of theirs. The thought made him giddy. It made his feet light on the roof top tile. It made him puff out a thousand tiny laughs behind the plastic shape of his face.

   It made him totally, definitely not bored. --- [Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Don't Instigate Cats (2019) Expatiation” from ???’s Cellular Device]

Boss: I’m bored of Taiwan already :/

Boss: We should go somewhere else (ﾉ✧w✧)ﾉ*:･ﾟ🗺

* * * Several people are typing... --- [Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Hey

Hey

Asshole

From: Me

…

Should I respond to that?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You’re goddamn right you should respond to that when I tell you to you dumb avocado looking motherfucker

From: Me

Whoa

Ok

What’d I do this time?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You sent a useless emo prick to my door and now he won’t leave

From: Me

What

Did Shuichi do something wrong

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Yeah

He was born

From: Me

Whoa

Miu take a breath

What happened

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

His boyfriend broke into my lab and tried to fucking kill keebs

From: Me

His boyfriend?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Yea

Clown twink ass motherfucker

From: Me

You mean like

The internationally wanted criminal clown he’s tracking down

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

You know whats internationally wanted

These tits

From: Me

Lol ok

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

That jerk off is just a rando asshole

He tried to kill keebo!

From: Me

Oh yikes is he ok

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Well of course i fucking took care of him because im a bomb ass friend

But that suckhara guy was no help

He tried to convince me to check the fucking security cameras so he could go off and flirt with the guy about to decapitate keebs!

From: Me

I mean he probably had a good reason to want you to check the cameras right

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

No he’s just fucking awful and now he won’t leave rantarou make him leave

He broke my window and my hammer and only got back 23 of my EMP bombs

And now the police are here

From: Me

That sounds really stressful Miu

Wait how many bombs did you have before

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

24

From: Me

So he stopped most of your bombs from getting stolen

Also you have bombs?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Get him to leave he won’t leave

He keeps waiting for like interracial pole dancers to come or some fucking thing

From: Me

Do you mean like

Interpol

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

He won’t leave I want him to leave

From: Me

Miu you know I love you like a sister and i totally believe this is as stressful to you as it seems

But I think things may not be so bad?

Not to say what you’re going through right now isn’t totally valid

But things might look better if you got back to bed and caught some z’s

Did you remember to take your meds?

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

Aw shit

Aw fuck

You’re right

Ugh

Uggghghh

From: Me

Hey it happens to the best of us

If you do think Shuichi should leave in the morning when the cops are gone that’s totally up to you

It’s your lab and you have a right to say who should be in it

Just don’t make a decision like that when you need to sleep you know

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

But what if i ask him to go and then he doesn’t go

From: Me

He doesn’t have a choice, you get to tell him

From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)

But what if he’s mean to me

Cute people are always mean to me

From: Me

Miu…

Go to bed...

[smnthchrstn]

I need to make sure, YOU DO ALL 99 QUESTIONS, 99 being "ask anything" so, question for 99 is... Christine or Samantha?

Quite possibly the scariest ask meme I’ve ever answered lmao 

how tall are you? I’m somewhere around 5′7 - 5′8 

what is your body type? It’s a body, it keeps me alive lol 

what is your favorite part about your body? My hair, usually.

is your current hair color your natural hair color? No

are you more outgoing or more shy? Shy

are you more femme or butch? I wanna say femme but that’s only because I have very long hair atm. 

are you tol or smol? Tol more than smol

wine mom or vodka aunt? Vodka aunt

weird habit? I nervously bruise myself as weird as that sounds. If I’m at work during a stressful call I’ll end up accidentally bruising my legs or arms by squeezing them so hard in a panic

favorite meme? Lately I’ve been saying stuff and putting this gif of Sarah Paulson from Bird Box right after whatever I’ve said. I’ll include it at the end or my formatting will get all messed up.

do you sing in the shower? Occasionally when I’m waiting the three minutes for my deep conditioner to deep condition (?) I’ll sing Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac or Gypsy. 

ever used a bow and arrow? No

are/were you a theatre kid? Nope

have you ever seen a broadway musical? Live? No

do you think musicals are cheesy? No way!

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march? I haven’t.

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card? I’ve never played it physically, but I’ve played it online a couple times.

last movie you watched? Ghostbusters. I needed some Kate McKinnon :P

behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

favorite tv show? American Horror Story or Friends

meaning behind your url First and middle name and then roleplay

reason you joined tumblr Many years ago the lead singer of my favorite band at the time had it.

who’s your closest tumblr friend? I couldn’t pick just one person.

what’s something most people love that you hate? Seafood?

have you ever taken narcotics? No lol

have you had sex? Sex means a lot of things to a lot of different people and as far as what I consider sex to mean to me; no I have not.

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? One time the cops followed me home at sixteen because they thought my friend had beer in the car. We were really sims junkies and had several cans of Red Bull and Monster in her backseat. 

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told? This is dumb, but last year I lied to my mom about a hickey that my partner at the time gave me. I had too many to hide and that was my fault lol spoiler alert: she didn’t believe my dumb ass.

describe your passion without mentioning it. Pen, paper, gay

describe your best friend. She is beautiful inside and out. I love her to death.

give us one thing about you that no one knows. Well, I mean two people know this but this past weekend I relapsed for the first time in God knows how long and that’s something I have a lot of shame over. Even though I know anyone reading this won’t find it shameful because we all or most of us deal with this kind of thing.

how do you feel right now? I’m emotional from the last question lol

what is your biggest fear? Abandonment 

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Mamma Mia, the ABBA version.

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far? Coming out! Literally saved my life.

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end? All the time

something you fantasize about. I fantasize about a day that I can love someone and finally believe they aren’t going to walk away or make me feel that I’m not good enough.

last time you cried and why I cried on Saturday because I didn’t want to be alive anymore lmao this is dark you asked for it 🤷‍♀️

what was the last thing that made you laugh? The Meryl Streep meme lol

do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes. Different people at different times.

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? I really don’t know.

the last time you felt broken? I feel broken every day, haha. Today?

are you starting to realize anything? Starting? I don’t necessarily think so.

are you more dominant or more submissive? I can be either, depending on the other person and the situation. 

i’ll only date you if you love Sarah Paulson.

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older? I’ve liked people older, I’ve liked people younger. I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone my own age, though. I’m open to whatever.

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail. G r e a t  d e t a i l

do you have any kinks? See the turn on question.

first thing you notice in a person? Eyes, hair and kindness/personality.

how can someone win your heart? Loyalty and common interests.

been rejected by a crush? Of course

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yes

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? I never text, it’s probably like Kelly lmao. I’ll show her this, but no. I don’t think I’ve ever been romantically involved with a straight girl.

is trust a big issue for you? Yeppp

did you hang out with the person you like recently? I don’t hang out with anyone tbh

is confidence cute? I think if a girl knows she’s got it, then that’s great. Like own whatever you’re good at / if you’re cute af own that you’re cute af. Everyone’s cute af, girls are unbelievable 

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Hypothetically, if I liked a person and they kissed someone else deep down inside that would probably make something in my chest flinch, but I wouldn’t say anything.

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? I don’t think so, but I laugh pretty easily.

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do? To be completely honest, when I came out I pretty much memorialized every girl I liked from 11 years old to 2017 within my coming out letter. Anybody I’ve liked from 2017 -  present knows that I liked them. I’m usually the “keep it in until I die” kind of person though. 

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? I’ve done this several times and I’m sure I’ll never stop.

do you want to get married It scares me, but yeah.

worst thing you’ve ever done? I accidentally told a client “That’s great, bye!” when she told me her husband couldn’t hear properly to do a survey. (I was very sick and a little high on painkillers)

three things that turn you on. Cover your eyes kiddos. 1) Thigh kisses. 2) Lower stomach kisses. 3) Neck kisses / hickeys. Friiiick

who do you hate? Hate is a very strong word, I greatly dislike someone but that’s neither here nor there.

favorite term of endearment? Probably baby, but I like honey if I’m the one saying it

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening? Courteney Cox

intimidating girls or kind girls? Kind

what do you look for in a possible partner? Someone who is trustworthy, kind, sensitive and again as always can make a grilled cheese that doesn’t look like a wet sock

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls? I’ve liked literally all of them, I’m just a giant lesbian

are you good at flirting? Nope lmao

who was the first person you came out to? I think it was @therainbowtink if we’re getting technical here but I’m sure @onenighttofuckupmylife had to be a close second once I really knew for sure.

do you have any friends who are wlw? All of them except two

is your crush wlw? All of my crushes have been, thankfully

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality? No man has that power, come on now

write a short love poem to your crush/self? Dear self, you are a dumb ass. Love, Samantha.

do you fall in love easily? Ohohoho

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Yes. It varies, but I’ve got a couple.

are you good at hiding your feelings? I try, I have no idea if I’d ever make it as an actor. I act at work every day when I pretend to not have severe anxiety lol

are you a forgiving person? Yes

what is your “type?” I have no type, I’m just gay af

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours? They’re both such rewarding places to be. Being able to give someone that comfort is one of life’s greatest gifts, but when you’re really really tired or really really sick you want nothing more than to curl up against your person and pass tf out against them. I couldn’t choose. 

tall girls or short girls? Both!

hugs or kisses? Oof. I don’t know, it depends on the situation. Both are fun. I’m kind of an awkward hugger I’d rather snuggle

twirl her around or get twirled? I’m too old both of those make me want to throw up haha. 

tummy kisses or thigh kisses? Honestly they both fuck me up, but I like giving tummy kisses better than giving thigh kisses.

hairline kisses or neck kisses? Neck always

play with her hair or stroke her tummy? These are both very rewarding who wouldn’t choose both 

making out or soft kisses? Soft, but sometimes you just need to make out 🤷‍♀️

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist? Both!

how confident are you in your sexuality? 110%

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach? Butterflies in the stomach 110%

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? Do you mean every single time I’ve liked someone? I’m reasonably sure every girl I’ve ever liked up until present know that I liked them.

how old were you when you realized you were into girls? This question is tricky. I was 10 when I had my first crush on a girl. 17 when it happened again, but didn’t acknowledge that I had one until 20.

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl? I’ve done a thousand embarrassing thins.

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon? Foxxay and no because Ryan Murphy is a coward.

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality? When I came out my grandma told me “we have no reason to discuss your sex life” and that not only aggravated me, but hurt. Alternatively, my aunt told me that I like girls because my dad wasn’t around for a chunk of my life and that hurt me I think more than aggravated me, although it did that too because it’s never been any of her business.

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter? Have you seen Sarah Paulson? Every single day. Every. day.

what is love to you? Love is when you care about someone and their well-being. We love our pets, we love our family, we love our friends, we love artists and actors and musicians. We love ourselves. Love comes in many forms. 

ask me anything. Call me whatever you want (just not Sam lol)

A straight couple: shows PDA in public

Me:

[melonoverlord]

Second round of space gays feat. Princess Fish Mom

A: Aptitude

1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

All the royal family has excelled at magic for the longest of time, and Nivviah is not exception. She’s been a natural magic user since her birth, as well as a strong swimmer, fighter, and public speaker. Anything that you need as a political figure, Nivviah can do.

2. what activities have they participated in?

She’s been the first mate on the Freedom Vessel for about ten years, after she took the title away from Tam when they both agreed that she had more leadership skill than he did. Nivviah also participated in all the political ceremonies on Theuthida when she was still the crown princess, such as weddings, funerals, and even executions.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

She’s worked hard to be first mate, especially since for a long time, she tried to push being a leader aside because she equated it to the monarchy on Theuthida.

4. what things are they bad at?

Nivviah can’t cook for shit. She is one of those people who burn cereal. Partly because on Theuthida, you can just hunt and eat without worrying about cooking, so living on the ship, she’s had to learn to eat cooked food. Partly because she’s a princess so most of her hunting was done for her. Mostly because she’s a gay who can’t cook.

5. what is their most impressive talent?

She is an amazing magic user. She hasn’t been on many missions with the main three, but there is a reason you keep your strongest item until the end of the game.

B: Basics

1. what is their hair color?

Dark blue and then it gets lighter as it goes down.

2. what is their eye color?

Black

3. how tall are they?

6′2. She’s very tol. She’s actually the third tallest person on the ship, after B3rT13 at 7′3 and Oberon at 6′4.

4. how old are they?

She’s going to turn 405 by Month 7 (February)

5. how much do they weigh?

200 lbs. All that height has got to come with some girth.

C: Comfort

1. how do they sit in a chair?

Like a princess with one ankle crossed over the other. She is disaster in gayness, but distinguished in fashion.

2. in what position do they sleep?

She sleeps with one arm under her head and the other wrapped around Luna.

3. what is their ideal comfort day?

Just wearing her sweater and skirt while eating junk food with Luna and reading together.

4. what is their major comfort food? why?

Chocolate peanut butter milkshakes. It was one of the first human foods she’s tried and it is heavenly.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

Her best girlfriend (and maybe soon to be wife) and her captain, Luna Sorrotai.

D: Decoration

1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name?

Although she doesn’t like her family, she still has ties and love for her culture, so she would want to emote a sea theme, tile floor, and a giant library for curling up and reading.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room?

Before Ciri arrived, Nivviah sort of took the role of the “mother” on the ship, so she actually helped Ravi and Crumb with their room as well as Val’s. For her own children, she’d want it to be a calming color palette so they can relax in their room and have another room to play in inside the house, and would give them lots of little trinkets to keep about because Theuthidans still like shiny things.

3. how do they decorate their own room?

Nivviah’s room is very homely with a lot of couches for lounging and reading, a lot of pictures of the og Freedom Vessel crew (Luna, Tam, herself, Oberon, Venus, and Gabriel), pictures of the kids, and more recent pictures of herself and Icio.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear?

She tends to wear more “classic” clothes like skirts and sweaters and finds the perfect match between coziness and beauty.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

She likes painting her nails, and does minimal makeup, but doesn’t like hardcore beautifying like Venus or Flor do because she was forced to wear makeup during her time as princess.

E: External Personality

1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

Nivviah’s internal personality is actually very fiery and adventurous, which isn’t very apparent by looking at her. She’s been taught her whole life to be reserved and regal and aloof, so she does things more calmly and orderly than her internal dialogue would suggest.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

Nivviah literally electrocuted her family and entire planet just to save the girl she loved and disowned herself from her royal heritage, so 

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

Nivviah has always done her own thing since her conception. She escaped her oppressive homeworld because she was bored and wanted adventure. She is the secret boss ass bitch.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

God no. Nivviah is probably the person with the least amount of internet experience. She still uses tons of emojis in her texts and just learned what spoogle images is. She is very bad with technology.

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

She is still unlearning how to be loud and boisterous, so a lot of people think she is a very calm and serene person when she is mentally cursing out people every fifteen minutes, so really only the people who know her best get her inner snark.

F: Fun

1. what do they do for fun?

She likes reading a lot and spends a lot of time in the library and reads to especially the snids when Icio’s out.

2. what is their ideal party?

Everyone dressed to their casual best, lots of music playing, dancing, and sneaking off with Luna in the middle while everyone is dancing.

3. who would they have the most fun with?

Luna, Tam, and Icio.

4. can they have fun while conforming to rules?

Theoretically she can, but if she really doesn’t like rules, she’ll say fuck the rules and do what she wants.

5. do they go out a lot?

She was very much a shut in when she was on Theuthida, but she likes going out when she can. It’s hard as a very visible member of the Freedom Vessel, but if she can take a couple days to explore, she will.

G: Gorgeous

1. what is their most attractive external feature?

Nivviah is a very classic beauty, but probably her hair. She very much has Ariel hair. Always bouncy and shiny no matter where she is.

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

She is a gentle giant who just wants her family to be happy.

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

She gives the objectively best hugs, she will always be ready to take a beating with her giant squishy body (she actually has 110 HP because she’s level 14 but she’s still a Solari), and she is the voice of reason of the ship.

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

She loves her tallness because they she gets to get all her loved ones’ best angles, but she always has to duck under low doorways.

5. what parts of others do they envy?

As much as she loves her gorgeous blue skin, it is a little hard to match things to it. Plus its very hard to blend in to crowds unless she uses a spell slot.

H: Heat

1. do they rather a hot or cold room?

Cold. As a fish, she doesn’t like being anywhere too hot.

2. do they prefer summer or winter?

Winter is just prettier to be in. It’s Luna’s birthday, the kids are happier, and she can wear her cute sweaters and skirts.

3. do they like the snow?

She’s only seen the snow a couple times on Helios, but she thinks its one of the most beautiful things she’s ever seen.

4. do they have a favorite summer activity?

Swimming with Luna and having a water fight.

5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

Making snow angels. She is a tall sexy skyscraper.

I: In-the-closet

1. what is their sexuality?

Fish Jesus is a lesbian. She really is Hayley Kiyoko but with gills.

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

There’s not really the concept of sexuality on Theuthida, just whatever the crown wants you to marry. But the first time she saw a non-Theuthidan her age (since Luna was still 17 when they met), she did bust a huge nut.

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

No, she’s always been pretty femme.

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

Theuthida doesn’t have many strict laws when it comes to sexuality since there have been same sex relationships, but all relationships have to be approved through the crown, which is why bastard children (aka Icio) is a terrible thing. Whoever Nivviah married would have to be approved by her parents.

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

She never came out to her family, but she lowkey came out to Luna when they both said they would want a girlfriend, stared at each other for about a full minute, and then went their separate ways because they’re useless.

J: Joy

1. what makes them happy?

Reading, taking naps with Luna, teaching Icio about her culture, and being a good influence on the younger crewmates.

2. who makes them happy?

Luna, Tam, Oberon, Venus, and Icio. And of course the rest of the Freedom Vessel.

3. are there any songs that bring them joy?

Literally every Hayley Kiyoko song.

4. are they happy often?

She’s not necessarily sad, but she is constantly worried for her sad crewmates. She tries to cheer them up, but her most present emotion is “long worried sigh”.

5. what brings them the most joy in the world?

Being with her found family.

K: Kill

1. have they ever thought about suicide?

No, the only way she would think about killing herself would be if something happened to Luna.

2. have they ever thought about homicide?

She slaughtered her entire planet. She’s thought about getting back at her family more than once. Especially Dillon because fuck Dillon.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? who?

She would singlehandedly slaughter Queen Genesis and her inner circle for what they’ve done to everyone.

4. who would miss them if they died?

Everyone on the Freedom Vessel because she is a beautiful soul.

5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

Probably all the Theuthidans she’s killed, and Genesians.

L: Lemons

1. what is their favorite fruit?

Oranges. She loves her citrus. It’s why she never gets colds.

2. what is their least favorite fruit?

She just doesn’t like grapes for some reason.

3. are there any foods they hate?

The higher up the seafood food chain you get, the more the line is blurred because for seafood, Theuthidans are at the top of the food chain, but sharks and other meateating sea creatures are very close to them. So it’s not cannibalism, but it’s like a human eating lion. It just doesn’t feel right.

4. do they have any food intolerances?

It’s like the human equivalent of someone being allergic to soy, but she’s allergic to seaweed.

5. what is their favorite food?

Tam makes a really good chocolate peanut butter molten lava cake.

M: Maternal

1. would they want a daughter or a son?

She’d probably get along with a daughter more, but she also loves her pseudo sons Ravi and Crumb (and Castor), so she would be fine with kids of all genders.

2. how many children do they want?

She has all her children on the ship, but if it was just her and Luna in a household, she would probably want two or three.

3. would they be a good parent?

She is already a great parent and anyone who disagrees is cancelled.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter?

She likes the name Arthur for a boy and Gwen for a girl, but she would be interested naming any child Icio after her favorite cousin.

5. would they adopt?

She’s pretty much adopted the entire ship. Even the people older than her. Icio may be older than her in body, but she is taller and therefore more valid.

N: Never Have I Ever

1. what would they never do?

Be a ruler on Theuthida. Even though she is the only possible person to rule Theuthida, she doesn’t want to be a leader. She likes being the right hand fish.

2. what have they never done that they want to do?

Marry Luna.

3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do?

Think that manifest destiny is actually a thing that people should do.

4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done?

Fell asleep in Luna’s lap when they were younger. It was super cute from Luna’s end, but in her sleepiness, Nivviah called Luna “adorabluna”.

5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

She’d never thought she’d return to Theuthida only to electrocute all of her people just to save her new family. She also never thought she’d get such an amazing girlfriend.

O: Optimism

1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

She’s more optimistic that most of the people on the ship, sans the kids. She believes that the war will end in at least a human lifetime and that they will find someplace safe to live.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

She tries to be optimistic to kind of encourage others, but if someone wants to adamantly be depressed, she will back off.

3. are they good at giving advice?

With the exception of gay affairs, Nivviah is one of the few people on the ship who isn’t a hypocrite when it comes to advice. She gives great advice and actually receives advice well.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

The kids tend to be a very positive influence when it comes to optimism, but really she is the optimist on the ship surrounded by negative Nancys.

5. were they always optimistic?

Nivviah was always idealistic (she is a legit Disney princess), but got a surge of optimism when running away with Luna and the Freedom Vessel.

P: Personality

1. what is their best personality trait?

She is the ultimate young mom, kind and caring, and is just so sweet to everyone.

2. what is their worst personality trait?

She’s fairly secretive and reserved, and doesn’t really say her true feelings, even if she trusts someone wholeheartedly. It’s not wanting to keep things from others, but just that she doesn’t see why she should share her feelings.

3. what of their personality do others love?

Luna loves her giant heart and gentle nature, Tam loves her determination and sense of adventure, and Icio loves her compassion and moments of sass. 

4. what of their personality do others envy?

Luna and Tam both envy her optimism and fearlessness, and Icio envies her connection to her family (despite them sucking ass) and her ability to see reason even in stressful times.

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

She wishes she could be more boisterous and energetic like some of the other people, especially the girls, since she doesn’t really like being reserved. She doesn’t like people who are too hoity toity or narcissistic since that reminds her of Theuthida.

Q: Questions

1. do they ask for help?

She uses it as a last resort to not burden the other crewmates, but she will ask for help if it helps her do the job right. She also uses it to bond, since she’ll ask how their day is going and if they need anything.

2. do they ask questions in class?

When she was first taken on the Freedom Vessel, Nivviah asked about everything, even if it had nothing to do with lessons Oberon was giving. She’d ask about the technology on ships, she’d ask about why humans don’t have gills, and if Harry Potter is based on real events.

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable?

There are couple topics that are off-limits such as her time as a princess, but otherwise, she’ll answer most questions.

4. do they ask weird questions?

Nivviah asked every single question under the sun when she first came aboard. Then she met Val and learned that some questions should remain unanswered and unasked.

5. are they curious?

She’s a Ravenclaw. She’s curious about everything.

R: Rules

1. do they follow rules?

Nivviah is the polite version of “Fuck the Police”.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent?

She’s fairly strict and tries to make sure the children are safe and respectful to others, but she’s more of the parent that watches close by than actually manually intervening. She’ll step in if something’s going wrong, but she wants to give them the freedom to make their own mistakes.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule?

She had so many rules she had to follow as a child as a princess of Theuthida that she was often consequenced by either being trapped by the sea serpents or being locked in her room.

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking?

She does regret going into the sea serpent den while they were guarding Iwione’s statue because it caused her to have flashbacks, which Dillon laughed about for days.

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

Anyone who follows Genesians and/or allowed absolute monarchy in either Genesis or Theuthida.

S: Streets

1. are they street-smart?

She wasn’t very street smart when she first came aboard, but it didn’t take her long to be wary of everyone she meets.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

Yeah, especially on the poorer planets she’s been on.

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

A lot of the og Freedom Vessel got in a fight with hired thugs by Helian Parliament members.

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

The above, and the first time she went to Scylla, they had to fight off a Deforestation Committee, which is where they met a young Venus for the first time.

5. are they cautious when out?

She’s a very tall regal fish lady on planets where there is usually one Theuthidan at most. And she’s the first mate on the Freedom Vessel. She is extremely cautious when she’s out of the ship.

T: Truth

1. are they honest?

Nivviah kept her secret from most of the newer crew (everyone from Val/Ravi/Crumb on) about being a princess and even lied to the players when they first met, but for the most part, she is very honest about herself (except when it comes to revealing gay feelings). What she isn’t honest about is other people’s secrets.

2. can they tell if someone is lying?

Nivviah lives with a ship full of liars so she is pretty decent at telling who is lying. She just knows that people have their reasons for not telling the truth so she rarely calls someone out on it unless it’s urgent.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying?

She gets a little visibly nervous about her own secrets, but she’s gotten pretty good at keeping a straight face about others’ secrets. 

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about?

She doesn’t regret lying about her heritage, but she does sometimes wish that the secrets she’s keeping for other people could come out in the open so they don’t have to worry about it being found out.

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

Everyone on the ship was pretty good about her secret, and it took until they actually arrived on Theuthida that her secret of being the princess was spread.

U: Underdog

1. have they been bullied?

She was imprisoned for a month and sentenced to die. And that was just on one trip to Theuthida.

2. have they bullied anyone?

She can say with pride she has tripped Dillon on a number of occasions as a child.

3. have they been physically attacked by a bully?

Although she was always taller than Dillon (and he was also technically a bastard child), he was older and would trick her into situations where she’d get hurt. So he took the art of surprise to physically bully her.

4. have they ever been doubted?

Big time. Especially by her immediate family. 

5. have they surprised people with being good at something?

Oberon had his doubts about Nivviah being first mate because she spent the beginning of her life pampered, but he was pleasantly surprised when she stepped up and helped her through the transition.

V: Vomit

1. do they vomit often?

Nope. Theuthidans tend to have stomachs of steel and very rarely get sick except for Eel Pox which basically leaves you paralyzed for days and it feels you have eels slithering up your body. It’s lowkey the worst but luckily Nivviah never caught it.

2. do they get lots of stomach aches?

Nah, unlike some people, she doesn’t do much to fuck up her stomach. She eats healthy and trains.

3. are they good at comforting someone ill?

Yeah, she’s had to take care of Val and Luna a lot when they get sick.

4. what do they like as far as comfort goes?

She would like back rubs but since everyone she loves are shorties, she settles for lower back rubs or rubbing the back of her hand.

5. do they burp, cough, or hiccup most when nauseous? when vomiting?

She gags a lot when she’s nauseous, which scares her because that’s the next worse thing to vomiting. When she actually does get stomach aches, it’s because she’s having a panic attack.

W: Water

1. do they drink enough water?

Nivviah’s one of the few people on the ship who actually gets adequate water intake. It’s why she has such glowing skin. 90% of it is water, the other 10% is space magic.

2. have they learned to swim?

Yeah. You can’t really live on Theuthida without learning to swim.

3. do they like to swim?

She likes it well enough. She likes doing it with Luna more, but when she’s alone, it just reminds her of how much shit she went through on Theuthida.

4. can they dive?

Yup. Every time she and Luna swam together and Luna watched Nivviah dive, it made her nut.

5. can they swim without holding their nose?

Yeah, she has gills and can pretty much do anything underwater.

X: Xylophone

1. what is their favorite genre of music?

Celtic instrumentals or soft pop. She doesn’t really like anything too loud or harsh.

2. do they have a favorite song?

‘Waterfalls’ by TLC

3. do they have a favorite band/artist/singer?

Enya or Hayley Kiyoko. She’s a fan of both Celtic and Lesbian music.

4. can they sing well?

Yes, she was trained in singing on Theuthida. She really only sings though when she’s doing another task like doing laundry or helping around the infirmary.

5. can they rap?

Luna says she’s heard her rap, but no one has any proof. And anyone who says they have proof has that proof mysteriously disappear. She’s Captain Holt with the hula hooping classes.

Y: You

1. how old were you when you created them?

19. She was the second npc I made for the Genesis Campaign.

2. what inspired you to create them?

I wanted to make a distinct “alien” character so boom. Blue Fish Titties was born.

3. were they different when they were first created?

Oh yeah, she was just going to be strong Theuthidan who happened to be a little soft but now she’s a princess and she’s gay for Luna and she’s Icio’s favorite fish cousin.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

I love doing her accent and how gentle she is, so she’s a really fun character to play.

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

She is a powerhouse of protection and has had some of my favorite scenes (especially where she electrocutes Theuthida) and has some good ones coming up. She is so good but also extremely wise and powerful. Also she’s a useless lesbian.

Z: Zebra

1. what’s their favorite animal?

Panda bears. She likes how round and gentle they are.

2. do they like animals?

She likes them well enough and thinks they’re cute, but she has had bad experiences with the animals on Theuthida and Dryas to make her wary of them.

3. cats or dogs?

She tends to have an aversion to cats just because of Adrian, but Ravi has been showing her pictures of what Earth cats look like and she thinks they’re cute. She likes their little noses and tiny paws.

4. what’s their dream pet?

She really wants a chinchilla. Val showed her one on Space Google and she spent fifteen minutes going through the Spoogle Images.

5. do they have any pets at the moment?

No, but she takes care of Noodle when Castor’s out doing stupid shit on different planets.