On Characters: Vampire Pizza Deliveryman
Eternal life in darkness is just not all it’s cracked up to be. You need to hide by day, you need to feed by night - and for both of those, it helps if you have a job. Oh, sure, if your last name is Addams, or you’re related to Barnabas Collins, you might have both the familial wealth and the luck to hang onto it through the centuries so you don’t need to be gainfully employed.
But for most of us regular Joes who get bit, that’s not going to be in the tarot cards. Even if you don’t need groceries, you need transportation, clothes every decade or so, a roof over your head... sure, that last may be a crypt, but you’d better have the money to pay the property taxes on it. Or see it seized by Uncle Sam, and have your permission to be there revoked by judicial fiat, probably just as you’re trying to escape a fatal sunburn. Ouch.
So. You need a job. Odds are you need a nightshift job, where you don’t have to worry about seeing the sun. Night security guard. Morgue janitor. Pizza deliveryman.
I can hear the objections to that last already. “But what about the garlic?”
Ha. Ha ha hah, mine is an evil laugh....
Ahem. Despite the claims of Italian food fanatics everywhere, it’s not the spice of garlic that makes vampires reel back. In folklore, it’s the garlic flower.
Those are what Van Helsing correctly uses to keep Dracula from Lucy Westenra’s throat. Only to be thwarted by people who couldn’t stand the “stinking rose”. A phrase that makes me wonder if people claiming the antibacterial qualities of garlic were what made it folklore-effective against vampires were completely, utterly wrong.
Two reasons. First, see the fact that it’s the flowers that are supposed to be effective, not eating the cloves.
Second - roses and related species like hawthorns traditionally are effective against vampires. Hawthorn is one of the best woods for stakes, and if you put a blooming wild rose on a vampire’s coffin, it’s trapped inside indefinitely.
Which puts the massive floral displays at funerals in an entirely different light. It could be an expression of unbearable grief. Or... it could be “now stay dead, darn it!”
So maybe garlic flowers ward vampires off because roses do?
Also, garlic flowers require some work to get. And getting the plant to set viable seed was thought to be impossible, up until someone pulled it off in Israel about a decade back. Turns out it likes a very specific daylength that comes from the Mediterranean latitude where the species was originally domesticated. In most of Europe it’s too far north for good seed, and flowers are... well, you get them nowadays because people have better varieties. In the Victorian era they took a little more work!
And “hard to get” is a common trait of things used in folk magic against malevolent influences, evil spirits, and bad luck. Four-leaf clovers, say. Stones with natural holes worn through them. Or hairs plucked from a live moon-bear’s chest. Eep.
Long story short. Unless the pizza place does specialty orders that provide garlic flowers to nosh on along with the pizza, your vampire should be safe. Ish. As safe as any pizza delivery guy gets, anyway.
And probably a lot safer than most. After all, how many vampires are lucky enough to have food invite them in...?
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Mt Perkins (12,566 ft), Mt Wynne (13,179 ft) & Mt Pinchot (13,494 ft) from Armstrong Canyon
After climbing Mt Sill and finishing the California 14ers, Mt Pinchot became the highest priority peak for me to day hike in the Sierra Nevada. Mt Pinchot is a P2k that stands in a region of the range which I had not yet visited. The closest I had been were Split Mountain to the north and Mt Mary Austin to the south. Rafee and I planned to try it from Armstrong Canyon during the 2021 Sierra Challenge as an alternate peak. We also hoped to tag some combination of Colosseum Mountain, Mt Perkins, Mt Wynne and Mt Fitch, but I got a two flat tires the day before. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to complete the rough drive to the trailhead on a donut, we agreed to try the following year. It was not all bad news for me because I ended up climbing Colosseum Mountain from Sawmill Trailhead that day instead, a feat that I didn’t know I was capable of. I got my taste of the area, but I still wanted the other peaks in the group, especially the highest one. One of the first things I did when I got home was upgrade the tires on my Jeep, but Rafee and I would have to wait until the following June to finally try the loop. We planned for June instead of August for two main reasons; day light and water. We chose the weekend right before the summer solstice, giving us a total daylength of 14 hours and 44 minutes. That didn’t include twilight hours, so in total we would have over 15 and a half hours of natural light. With regards to water, I learned from Chris Kerth that the tarns along the way were completely dry when he did his own outing in August of 2021. We had another low snow year, so I expected similar conditions in 2022. Satellite imagery showed that the lakes had plenty of water in the days leading up to the hike, eliminating any water sourcing concerns. The only downside of going early in the season was I’d most likely not be in my best shape. I usually hit peak fitness in August after I’ve had several big hikes under my belt. I made sure to do some “butt kickers” in the weeks leading up to the hike.
I spent the previous night at Ray’s Den in Independence and met Rafee the next morning at the Sawmill Pass Trailhead. We consolidated into my Jeep then drove up the dirt road to Scotty Spring and then up the huge switchback towards Armstrong Canyon. There once was a giant boulder blocking the road, but some good Samaritans moved it a couple years back. It was a bumpy ride but I think any high clearance vehicle can make it. We startled a night hawk that was sleeping on the road. With light beginning to appear over the horizon, we parked at a nice overlook at about 8,000 ft. The road continues further into Armstrong Canyon, but we planned to start climbing the ridge from here.
There are several mining roads heading off in different directions. We started off following the one that switchbacks up the ridge.
Sawmill Point and the moon hung over the southern horizon.
The morning alpenglow shone over the peaks to the north.
It wasn’t long before the sun rose over the Inyo Mountains to the east.
We followed the road until it started to get too overgrown. While steep, we found it easier to climb directly up the ridgeline. It was loose at first, but the ground eventually became more solid as we climbed above the mining prospects.
The route wasn’t exactly enjoyable at the beginning, but Rafee provided good enough conversation to distract me. You wouldn’t believe all the gossip there is in the peak bagging community. After about 2,000 ft of climbing, the route finally became enjoyable.
Across Armstrong Canyon was our descent route. I couldn’t decide if the chute was impressive or revolting.
The rock underfoot was mostly solid, an obvious contrast to what we would experience on our descent, so from early on I knew we made the correct route choice for the ascent. The gossip got juicier the higher we climbed, and the time just flew by.
Before I knew it we were standing atop Peak 11738, which I’ve also seen referred to as Perkins East.
Peakbagger shows this peak having 288 feet of prominence, but my GPS calculations suggest that it has more than 300 feet of prominence, which would qualify it as an official peak by California standards. Even though my own measurements are likely wrong, I feel the peak is a worthy destination regardless of prominence. To the southeast were Mt Inyo, Keynot Peak and New York Butte.
To the south were Mt Baxter, Acrodectes Peak and Colosseum Mountain.
To the southwest was our ridgeline leading to our next peak, Mt Perkins.
We were forecasted to have a cold and windy day, and for the first time I felt chilled. I put on my cotton sweater and we started off on our ridgeline traverse after only a short rest. A good chunk of the scrambling was on metamorphic rock. I explained to Rafee how this was a rooftop pendant, created when the ancient magma chamber that would go on to form the granitic Sierra rock melted the surrounding country rock. The result was a mixture of colors and rock quality. The scrambling was a little tougher than I expected, until I realized that we were following a Grant Miller track. Dope! Once we got through the metamorphic section, the ridgeline became granitic once again and the climbing became easier. To the northwest was Mt Perkins, our next objective.
Colosseum Mountain looked very close. I could tell Rafee really wanted to tag this peak, but we would need every second of day light to complete our agenda as it was. I am happy I had already bagged this peak, or else I might have been tempted to entertain the peak myself.
Sierra primrose covered the alpine ridge.
Progress was noticeably slow. I kept checking my GPS and very little distance was being covered. It felt like we were stuck in the mud. Rafee and I talked about our favorite television show "Impractical Jokers." I thought I was the only person who found those guys funny. Humor tailored to peak baggers I guess. Finally we reached the crest where we had an amazing view of Crater Mountain.
Twin Lakes and Woods Creek flowed down towards Kings Canyon below.
We turned right and headed north along the crest. Armstrong Canyon looked quite desolate down below.
The next section of the hike took us up and around a series of intermediate high points. I recommend for others to simply stay low here and side hill along the west side of the ridge. Rafee and I found ourselves on some class 4 terrain. It was actually kind of fun, but our progress was simply too slow.
We had both expected to be on Mt Perkins by now. Rafee told me he would be okay if we skipped Mt Wynne and Mt Pinchot. Our chances were looking bleak.
The ridge transitioned from granite to metamorphic rock once again. It was pretty loose and miserable, but we only had a few hundred feet remaining.
Finally we made it to the top of Mt Perkins, marking the half way point of my journey to complete the SPS list. I felt great until that last mile, and now I found myself pretty wiped. Rafee again suggested that he would be satisfied with bagging just one SPS peak on the day, but I wasn’t. I had originally planned to continue to Mt Wynne by continuing along the ridge for another mile or so to or near Mt Fitch, but the previous mile of ridge hiking was so brutal that I wanted easier terrain even if it would cost me a few extra hundred feet of elevation. Rafee suggested that we drop directly down to the basin to our west, claiming there was a nice sand chute that led to the bottom. I thought this was a bad idea at first, but the more I thought about it the more it made sense. I made Rafee make the final call, that way if it was a bad route I could blame him. I felt very vulnerable descended further into remote wilderness when I was already tired, but I chose to take the plunge. My mind was so busy that I completely forgot to take photos from the top of Mt Perkins. I stopped my descent about 50 feet below the summit to take some near summit photos. To the northwest were Mt Wynne and Mt Pinchot.
To the west was Crater Mountain.
To the southwest were Mt Baxter, Acrodectes Peak and Mt Ceric Wright.
I didn’t quite get the sand chute I was promised, but we were able to drop down quickly enough.
Even though it was rather tedious at times, I’m glad we dropped down where we did. The rest of the west side of Mt Perkins looked incredibly cliffy, and I’m not sure if there would have been another way down unless one were to follow the ridge north all the way to Mt Fitch.
To the southwest was Mt Clarence King from it’s most impressive angle.
As we neared the bottom of Woods Creek Drainage, Rafee and I had a divergence in philosophy. I wanted to drop down to easier terrain while Rafee wanted to maintain elevation on looser and rockier terrain. We split up here and wouldn’t see each other until reconvening at the highest tarn in the drainage.
I think my route was the better option. It lost somewhere between one to two hundred additional feet of elevation, however I was able to maintain a strong pace over solid ground. I was even blessed with some nice grassy sections which were covered with Sierra Columbine.
Rafee and I arrived at the final tarn at about the same time. Since Rafee is faster than me, I chalked this up as a win. This would be the only water source we would come across the entire day, so we would make the most out of it. We ate lunch here as well.
We roughly had about 2,000 feet of climbing remaining to get the next two peaks. If I were to bail, this would be the time, since the rest of the route was somewhat committing.
I instead took on the challenge and began my climb up Mt Wynne’s east ridge.
Strong gusts of wind became more frequent. Somehow this wind wasn’t so cold, so we were able to push through it. The first thousand feet of climbing was at a strong pace, and I felt encouraged that we would be able to pull this off. I really liked this east ridge route.
Then our pace slowed as we got higher up. The solid terrain that we experienced down below began to deteriorate. We were faced with more and more brittle metamorphic rock.
One benefit of the change of terrain was that the route became more fun. Both Rafee and I took different routes, and both of us scrambled up sections we believed were class 4. Neither of us were looking for the easiest route up the thing, instead just climbing what lay ahead. I started feeling the altitude as we crossed the 13,000 ft threshold. I had to drag myself up to the summit.
We finally made it to the summit of our second SPS peak of the day, Mt Wynne. Down below was Pinchot Pass. Rafee spotted someone hiking along the JMT. I was too tired to look.
To the west were Crater Mountain, Pyramid Peak, Goat Crest, O'Burley Peak and Mt Ickes.
To the southwest were Mt Clarence King, Mt Brewer and Mt Ericcson.
To the south were Colosseum Mountain, Mt Baxter, Mt Cedric Wright and Mt Baxter.
To the southeast was Mt Perkins. It looked awfully small from here.
To the east were Wunupu Peak, Waucoba Mountain and Mt Fitch.
To the north was Mt Pinchot. Our route supposedly climbed directly along the top of the ridge, and from the summit of Mt Wynne that looked incredibly difficult.
To the northwest was Lake Marjorie.
Peregrine falcons darted across the sky. I felt dizzy and drained. I barely had enough energy to sign the register.
We had one more peak to climb, and in a twisted way heading to Mt Pinchot next was probably the easiest way to get back down to the car. The ridge was reportedly class 3, and even as we got closer, it seemed improbable. With careful route finding, however, we were able to pick our way through the sequence of metamorphic rock. This was maybe the most fun class 3 ridge that I have ever done in the Sierra. The highlight was an unlikely sidewalk that snaked up the ridge.
After the sidewalk the rock quality got better, which made the scramble more enjoyable. The only downside was the fact that I was extremely tired.
After the scrambling, we had one last talus heap to climb.
Clouds were starting to form to the west. Rafee was afraid it was going to thunderstorm. I could sense the nervousness in his voice, and his desire to run up to the summit without me. I assured him that there would be no thunder, nor even the lightest bit of rain, and at worst, the clouds would bring a little bit of wind. Thankfully I would end up being correct. Rafee took a more steep direct route and I kind of circled up the west side. I really had to dig deep, but I finally made the rounded summit.
To the south was Mt Wynne.
To the southwest were Crater Mountain, Pyramid Peak, O'Burley Peak and Mt Ickes.
To the northwest were Mt Ruskin and White Mountain.
To the north were the Palisade Crest, Split Mountain, Cardinal Mountain and Striped Mountain.
To the east were Wunupu Peak and Waucoba Mountain. It was a little concerning to see the strandlines of the tarn below. It was only June and the water levels were noticeably lower than normal.
I needed several minutes to gather myself atop the summit. I needed as much rest as possible, but we also needed to get moving. It was now after 4:30pm!
So we started off down the east ridge of Mt Pinchot. For a while we found a use trail and followed this as long as we could. The ridge became broken and serrated, so we dropped down to the south side of the ridge, and we sidehilled here along very loose terrain. All I wanted to do was just zone out and walk downhill, but this section required our focus.
We finally dropped onto a barren plateau. Finally, some easy walking ahead.
We stumbled across the tundra. Looking back was Mt Pinchot.
Standing a little further south was Mt Wynne.
Our return route had us walk just 100 vertical feet underneath the summit of Mt Fitch. At the time of this writing, I am disappointed that I did not got to my fifth summit of the day, however I was feeling incredibly tired and almost worried that I wouldn't make it down.
We contoured around Mt Fitch and I stopped for dinner. I shared some of my extra tri tip with Rafee which he greatly appreciated.
With some more carbs and protein in my belly, I gave myself the needed reserves to continue onwards.
We both hoped for a sand slope to run down, but we got more rocky terrain.
We were racing the sunlight. We actually caught up to it once, but in doing so we got off route.
We had to turn right and climb up a ridge to find the top of our descent chute.
From the top of the chute, we had 2,000 vertical feet to drop until reaching the bottom of Armstrong Canyon.
Holy cow, what a chute. It was extremely loose at first, and each step took a big chunk of the mountain down with us. We discussed spacing ourselves out, but the safest and most efficient option seemed to be to stay closely together. The loose rock danger here is extremely high, and if there is any reason for me to go back up to this High Sierra wasteland, I hope to do so via a different route. After a thousand feet or so of somewhat scary controlled falling, the rock became more stable.
This was still pretty miserable because the chute was still tedious and maintaining my balance took a lot of energy. The wind was howling when we finally reached the bottom of Armstrong Canyon. We emptied our shoes and walked towards the middle of the canyon to look for the creek. We never found running water, as it seems that the creek runs underground here.
We still had over a thousand feet to drop until reaching the car. There was no trail, but the off trail hiking was easy. We avoided any serious bushwhacking, and as dusk began to fall, we reached the end of the mining road that penetrates the canyon. From the road we had a mile of easy walking; the first real trail the whole day. We made it back to the car without having to take out our headlamps. At the end of the day we hiked 13.5 miles with over 8,000 vertical feet of elevation gain. Don't let the short mileage fool you; this was one of my toughest days in the mountains. The terrain was extremely rugged, yet beautiful. It took us 15.5 hours, and I suffered greatly. I'm glad I got to see Armstrong Canyon, and I'm even more glad that I likely will never have to go back. Mt Wynne was my favorite peak, yet Mt Pinchot was the most prestigious summit, notching another P2k in my belt. Along with some of my most strenuous outings, this one deserves the title of Tough Bastard™. Thank you Rafee for sticking with me throughout the day.
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