I turn 25 tomorrow. I wonder how many more birthdays until life feels survivable again. Will I even make it until that time? Or will Covid kill me first? Will /I/ kill me first if this pain and harm doesn't stop? If I do live, will I be too old to have a family by the time they're safe to exist?
My third pandemic birthday. I've lost all of my early 20s. They're not lost from wearing a mask, avoiding crowds or being safe. They're lost from being forced to grow up too damn fast. From being forced to choose between my health and my social life. From being excluded and ostracised from society and the communities where I thought I'd finally found a home. From having my basic humans rights- my rights to participate in society, to life, to safety, to healthcare- systematically stripped from me piece by piece whilst being told its not happening at all.
I'm slowly making peace with getting older. As much as I grieve the years I've lost, I'm equally grateful I've survived another one. It's a privilege to get older and I'm more grateful of that than ever. But the pain I'm enduring every single day from the hidden pandemic and gaslighting from everyone I ever trusted makes it hard to appreciate.
16 notes
·
View notes
Why do I care so much for people who wouldn’t even cared if I died? I’m over here grieving and they’re living their best life acting like I don’t even exist.
6 notes
·
View notes
Sending thoughts for those alone for Thanksgiving. Whether it's without a loved one or a partner to introduce to your relatives, Or having no way to celebrate, I'm thinking about you as I am in that category. I love being in a fandom, but I hate the harsh reality of being lonely and having nobody special to celebrate with. My sister and I were asked a couple of times why where still single, and I couldn't help but feel the reminder that I'll probably go the rest of my life without that special person.
I hate being lonely, and I hate that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
We all deserve love, yet I want everyone else to find it before me.
I love seeing girls find that special man who takes away their insecurities, yet I always envy them for having something I've always wanted.
Okay. I'm done ranting.
Happy Thanksgiving.
11 notes
·
View notes
To whoever is reading this: I'm sorry if I ever tried to reach out or communicate with you and ended up being totally cringe or unable to connect with you, even tho I wish I were able to. I'm having a hard time making friends or connecting with people. I know that people are busy and have their own life to navigate through and don't always have the time or energy to respond.
I wish I were able to reach out to people when I see something that reminds me of them or their OCs or that I think they might like, but I fear that they'll ignore me or are too busy and forget about me.
I just needed to get this off my chest because I'm feeling down at the moment. Feel free to ignore.
12 notes
·
View notes
They will find someone better than you. They will replace you.
7 notes
·
View notes
It gets harder every day to carry on.
I don’t know how I’ve survived this long,
I also don’t understand why I have.
I spend each day daydreaming of death,
Wishing there was a way to end this pain.
3 notes
·
View notes
i want to just up and leave. go somewhere else where no one knows me and i can just exist. no responsibility, no fucked up relationships. just me. i like to imagine that sometimes, the peaceful nothingness
13 notes
·
View notes