“…I haven’t been feeling like myself recently…
…I don’t feel real anymore…”
🌊🌊🌊🌊
I loved making this! such a nice way to practice colors I don’t normally use! ^^
Oh and I’m back btw LOL
PLEASE DO NOT REPOST
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nikolai, who suffers from derealization.
(requested)
my knowledge on derealization is limited, and I have tried my best to research to make it as accurate as possible. apologies just in case anything is unrealistic / inaccurate.
Life is slipping away once again.
For him, it feels distant. He’s alone.
He stares at you, he knows he is, but he can’t feel an ounce of reality like he used to. He moves his arms slightly, unable to feel if he is still in control of them. He sees them move, he can’t feel.
Colours disappear, his vision goes foggy, and it feels as if his ears have been plugged. He just stares at the distance, feeling his mind slowly going numb. Time seems to stop for him, he feels as if he is outside of his body. You still haven’t realized.
He feels his sanity that he claims to have slip away, he wants to chase after it. He can’t.
Even though his mind feels numb, he feels his eyes stinging. Why is he crying? You still haven’t realized.
He is unable to reach out to you, he can’t bring himself to move, why would it matter? Is he even real? Are you even real?
The feeling of guilt, the yearning for freedom is gone. He is convinced none of them were real, he is sure he doesn’t exist.
He sees you stand up and walk off to somewhere. He still doesn’t move.
“Are you going to sit there forever?” He finally walks towards you.
For an entire day, he seems to be detached, you realize. Out of fear of saying something wrong, you haven’t say anything about it yet. It pains to see him this way.
He fools around more than he used to during missions, not the type that makes the enemy scared and you two laugh, the type that puts his life in danger. Somehow, he never acted in a way which would cause the mission to be a failure, but the way he played with his own life made you scared. He may be insane, but this is unusual for him.
He lays down with his arm draped over his eyes. His mind is empty, his body feels as if he is floating.
“Nikolai?”
He thinks he heard your voice, are you real? Is the hand caressing his face real?
“Talk to me. Please.”
He looks at you, his heterochromic eyes once full of colour now looks lifeless.
He rests his head against your shoulder, you hold him close. Stray tears he doesn’t even realize are there slip away and soak your shirt.
You don’t pressure him, you know he will talk when he wants to.
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