#detective hoffman fuck off challenge

[silentfcknhill]

I've seen you reblogging lots of horror movie gifs lately, so do the ask meme for your favorite horror movie/the one you're fixating on!

Oh man there are so many horror movies that flooded into my mind xD My favorites are obviously Silent Hill (it’s my username) and Midsommar (it’s my profile pic), but I was trying to think of a movie that had lots of characters or that people might know better. 

It’s hard because most horror movies don’t get the sort of widespread fanbase that most shows/movies do, it’s a very close-knit fanbase since it’s such an acquired taste and there aren’t a lot of characters to choose from each movie usually since horror utilizes a lot of filler-character tropes.

I think I’m going to go against expectations and pick Saw because 

1) I do like it very much 

2) I’m very familiar with all the movies and characters 

3) It’s a whole franchise of films so more people to choose from 

4) It’s fairly recognizable even outside of the horror movie fanbase

favorite male character: The one, the only, the old man with the world’s biggest god-complex himself...Jigsaw! xD And by extension Billy the Puppet, but he’s not technically a character since he’s not sentient I guess.

favorite female character: Amanda Young! She’s one of my kins. I first saw Saw when I was in middle school and I really related to her because she was one of the only characters I saw in media that struggled with self-harm like I did. Most shows and movies are too scared to show that I think for fear of being accused of glorifying it but I think it’s important for people with a lot of scars and cuts not being erased or pretended like we don’t exist. I understand the desire to not want to promote self-harm, but I don’t think people understand that it can actually hinder you a lot in life (people not wanting to hire you, date you, be your friend etc because of it all of which has happened to me personally) and for the longest time I felt mutilated and ugly and ashamed of this part of my appearance that I couldn’t get rid of, so it was nice to feel like I wasn’t alone for once. It also helped that over time I became even more like her when I developed a drug addiction so even though I’ve been sober and clean for awhile now it gives me more in common with her.

least favorite character: Since there’s so many deplorable side characters I’m gonna stick to main characters and say Detective Hoffman. -n- He straight up fucked up Jigsaw’s entire protocol and everything the games originally stood for and seeing him get away with it for multiple movies just pissed me off because that wasn’t what Jigsaw (flawed as he was) stood for.

prettiest character: Dr. Denlon was really beautiful...before the end of Saw 3. >.> Wish she could have been in all of the films.

funniest character: Ok so the first movie was really intense but it could be really hard not to laugh a lot because Adam Stanheight kept throwing out these sarcastic and out-of-the-blue insults and quips every five seconds and we stan a man who mocks everything even while threatened with imminent death xD

favorite season: Saw 2 was my favorite of the movies and the one I’ve seen the most. It shows Jigsaw in his full glory since he wasn’t shown interacting with people in Saw 1, was ill in Saw 3, and wasn’t around in the rest. I also really liked Saw 5.

favorite episode: Hm, since it’s not a show maybe we can go with ‘favorite scene’? And it’s always and unequivocally the ending of Saw 1. My mind will never be unfucked from how shook I was from that twist. Saw as a franchise is notorious for it’s very detailed and complicated plot twists, but none of the others could top the sheer omg-what-the-fuckery of that one imo.

favorite romantic ship: I like the complicated and troubled relationship between Jigsaw and his ex-wife Jill Tuck. It’s tragic but also kind of sweet in a way.

favorite family ship: Jigsaw as a father figure for Amanda...even if it didn’t end well because of her insurmountable self-destructive flaws.

favorite friend ship: Doctor Gordon and Adam from Saw 1 xD Yeah they were definitely more on the enemies side of frenemies than the friends side, but it was so funny watching them simultaneously panicking, snarking at eachother, yet having to work together to save themselves.

worst ship: Hm, I don’t really see a lot of ships for these films but I would probably say romantic/sexual Jigsaw x Amanda because I’m sure someone out there ships it or shipped it at one point and I only see it as paternal/mentor figure relationship.

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 15

[ can't wait for Strahm to get pegged <3 we have so much more pining to get through first though ]

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It took some doing, but the water box was done by the start of the next month. It was… rough figuring out how he was supposed to get Strahm into the box without needing to weld it back together on his head.

Eventually he just settled for a metal bottom that he would clip back together when it was on him. They were locked, so he couldn’t just undo them and escape. No, if he wanted to live, he would have to get hurt.

Once it was finished, he got the trap set up in one of the rooms of the packing plant, one that wasn’t currently in use. It took some doing to get it hanging and attach the pipes that would fill it with water, but he managed it with a little bit of help from Lawrence.

Next was the trap for one Ivan Landness- and, as excited as he was for it, it was going to be difficult. He couldn’t build it all together, and it had to be made with the bed it was going to be attached to in mind.

Luckily, Garrett loved a challenge.

The only problem was that he was now legally Mark’s specialist, meaning he had to be brought in for every Jigsaw case.

So that’s why he was, very unwillingly, standing over a crispy corpse.

This was one of Amanda’s traps, he remembered seeing her pack up the chains surrounding the body to bring to the room they were standing in. He’d been told that they had to burn the door open, meaning the player had no chance to escape whatsoever.

“Who do you think put this one together?” Strahm asked when he realized Garrett was there, gaining a soft, thoughtful hum from him.

“Looks like Amanda Young,” he replied, lightly kicking one of the scorched chains. “I heard the door was welded shut. He couldn’t have escaped it even if he won. He was always doomed to death.”

Was he lowkey calling Amanda out on her bullshit when she wasn’t around? Yes. He was still pissed about Kerry’s trap.

“How many of her traps have you seen?” Strahm seemed at least a little bit concerned that he could guess who it was almost immediately, but Garrett just shrugged.

He brought a hand up to his face to lightly scratch at his scar before responding. “Not many. This is a new development, to be honest. But any trap put together by Kramer is escapable, if not difficult.”

“There’s also the third unknown apprentice,” Strahm offered, and Garrett genuinely found it funny that he was talking about this mysterious third apprentice to one of the longest standing ones.

Garrett just hummed again, taking another look at the body, before looking up at the ceiling and finding more chains hanging from the ceiling.

He should probably make his sketch so he could get out of there. He found a comfy spot on the floor that gave him a good view of all the chains and got to work in his Official Work sketchbook, vaguely noting that people were staying out of his way whenever he looked up.

Man, being an actual specialist was pretty fucking cool.

“Okay, I’ve gotta head out, but give me a call if you need any clarification,” he said as he finished the sketch, ripping it out of the book and handing it over to Strahm. “Try not to find another- whoa, did this scar?” He had meant to run out of there, but he got distracted by Strahm’s hand when he reached up to grab the sketch,

Garrett immediately grabbed Strahm’s hand to check out the bite scar on it, grinning at the idea that one simple bite from one very feral man was enough to scar him.

Strahm fucking froze at the contact, and Garrett could feel his arm tense up where he was holding it. Of course, this just made him want to fuck with him.

So he put Strahm’s hand in his mouth, perfectly lined up his teeth with the scar, and gently bit down.

It wasn’t enough pressure to pierce the skin, but Garrett could feel Strahm shaking at the feeling. Garrett grinned, pulling back only to bite down on the agent’s exposed forearm, leaving him with another bleeding bite mark as he made his way out of the room, licking his lips clean of the blood.

At this point, the only way Strahm would escape his teeth is by arresting him.

Unfortunately he couldn’t go straight home. Part of being an official specialist meant that after he looked over every trap, he had to go down to the precinct to file his own report about it. Apparently that was the easiest way to ensure that no information was missed in the file.

Luckily, it was only the trap that he had to report on, nothing about the victim or anything that would lead them to Jigsaw. Just the trap. Thank god, because he straight up didn’t pay attention to crime scenes.

He did, however, have his own mini office now! It was small, but that was okay, because it had windows so he could watch everyone passing by. It was a simple and easy way to get to know people without actually talking to them.

Also having an office was fucking banger and anybody who didn’t like him before was now stuck with him.

Upon arriving at his little office (he had his own keycard to get into this part of the building now- a keycard! He was growing too powerful) he immediately tossed his bag onto the ground and started up his computer, as well as grabbing the blank form he had to fill out every time he looked at a trap.

Apparently, they liked to have a physical record as well as a digital one. This was very unfortunate for Garrett, because he hated doing the same thing twice, and he hated waiting for photos of the trap too.

To distract himself from how much he hated paperwork, he got to work on the paperwork. He started with the physical copy first, just because it would be easier to type it word for word and not worry about losing what he’d already written.

He was just about to start on the digital copy when there was a knock on his door. “You better have my photos,” Garrett said when he noticed who it was, and Strahm took that as his invitation to come in.

His arms were completely covered now, probably to hide the fresh mark Garrett left him with. That made him smirk a little, before sticking his hand out and making the grabby hand motion at him so he’d hand over the photos.

Once they were in his grasp, he immediately took out a sharpie and began to label the parts of the trap. He was allowed to do this solely because they made extra copies separate to the ones he used.

“How’s your arm doing?” Garrett asked, keeping his focus on his work but also incredibly aware that Strahm was just standing there. At the promise of conversation, Strahm finally sat down.

“Did you have to do that? Like, really?” Strahm replied, and Garrett could vaguely see him reach up to loosen his tie, even undoing a few of the buttons on his shirt.

“Yes, I did,” Garrett responded without a moment’s hesitation, flipping to the next photo he needed to label. “I’m not sorry for scarring you, by the way. I’d only known you for, like, an hour and it freaked me out.”

Strahm just hummed, a sort of non-verbal way of saying he understood. Garrett flipped to the next, and last, photo and finished up his labelling, moving back to the computer to finish the digital version of the report.

There was an awkward silence- well, awkward on Strahm’s end. He clearly had something he wanted to ask, but was seemingly afraid of doing. Garrett, on the other hand, was just vibing.

And finally, he asked his burning question. “Do you think Hoffman is Jigsaw?”

Holy SHIT.

Garrett almost choked and the suddenness, suddenly very grateful that Strahm couldn’t see him behind his monitor. Did he… really just ask… if he thought his boyfriend was Jigsaw…?

He wasn’t sure whether to tell him straight up that they were both Jigsaw, or fuck him on the spot for being a fucking idiot.

After a moment of deliberation, he decided he was going to give him another gay panic attack. “Why would I think that? I live with him, I think I would have noticed if he was running off to play Jigsaw.”

Strahm tensed up a little at that, apparently not having processed that Garrett and Mark weren’t just… hanging out when he showed up to check on him after he left the hospital.

“I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense, but there’s just- I don’t know how to describe it, it’s just how he acts with Jigsaw cases and how he’s one of the only members of the task force left-”

He was rambling now, giving Garrett ample time to get up from his desk, walk around it, and plant himself behind Strahm’s chair. When he placed his hands on the back of it, his knuckles brushing against the agent’s back, that was when he shut up, freezing suddenly.

Garrett took his chance, leaning down until he was right next to Strahm’s ear. “You shouldn’t worry yourself with that sort of thing, Special Agent,” he whispered, noticing a minute shiver from Strahm at the feeling of warm breath against his neck. “We know who Jigsaw is. And I would tell you if I suspected Detective Hoffman.”

His hands had moved to Strahm’s shoulders, one toying with the collar of his shirt and the other messing with the top most button.

Strahm was so easy to rile up. Garrett could tell he was trying not to make a sound.

“But… you’ll keep me updated on this theory of yours, yes?” he asked, and Strahm stiffly nodded. Garrett smiled, leaning close enough that his lips brushed against Strahm’s neck. “Good boy.”

He pressed a kiss to Strahm’s neck, trailing his tongue over the spot before biting down gently- still hard enough to leave a mark, but not enough to bleed-, and then pulling away and sitting back down at his desk. “Could you take this up to Mark for me?” he asked, holding the file out to Strahm, who was flushed down to his neck.

The agent stood up quickly, grabbed the file, and left without another word.

Yeah, Garrett could use this attraction. Besides, it made working with him so much more fun.

[djinmer4]

Olympia (Noir AU)

Takes place in the future.  Sometime after they moved in together.

“So what’s the new book going to be about?”  Kurt wrapped his arms around his girlfriend and buried his face in her hair.  At home, with Kitty focused on her typewriter, the surgeon had taken off his perpetual mask.  “Another murder mystery?

“Nah, the next one’s going to be about searching for a lost temple.  ‘Florida Smith and the Ruby-Eyed God’ is the working title.  But this isn’t part of that series.”

“Oh?  Your editor’s not going to be happy about that.  Shouldn’t you be working on the Florida Smith series?”

“As long as I continue to turn in my manuscripts on time, Abe Berenstein has no claim on what I do for fun.  Besides, I’m actually ahead on the next one, I just stopped because I needed a break to get over some writer’s block.  I’m hoping that trying something new will breath new life into the novel.”

“Fair enough.  I’ve never been much of a creative writer so I’ll take your word on it.  So what’s this new novel about?”

“A bit of mystery mixed with horror.  I’ve got the idea of a type of golem, one shaped like a beautiful woman who acts as a mechanical nightingale for her owner.  Except she sings so beautifully, that it compels people to murder her owner to possess her.  With each death, she grows more and more beautiful.”

Wagner hummed as he molded himself against the back of her chair.  “Sounds creepy.  You should name the golem Olimpia.”

“Olimpia?  Why that name?”

“Your story reminds me of Hoffman and his Sandman.  Olimpia, the mechanical daughter of Spalanzani who seduces the student with her beauty.”

Kitty thought about it, then wrote down a name ‘Olympia’.  “Like that?  I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this story before.”

Kurt reached over and corrected her spelling.  “Like that.  I’ll see if I can find a copy for you.  We can read it together.”  The young woman coughed politely.  “Or I can read and translate it for you.”

“That would probably work out better.”

“I think I’m stuck.”  Kitty sighed and erased the last passage she’d written.

“What’s wrong?”  Kurt asked, his voice slightly muffled by the shower.

“The deaths.  So, the first guy kills the original owner.  But how?  And then he dies . . . by what?  Does guy number two just drop dead?  What would produce that condition?  And how does guy number three know about what happened to the two guys before him?”

Kurt came out of the bathroom and brushed a kiss over her temple.  "I’ll see if I think of anything that will help tonight.  As for connections, why not dreams?”  Kitty looked up, just in time for Kurt to cover his face with his surgical mask again.  “Each madman dreams of the life of the one before him.  So the murderer dreams of the old man and the parties he threw to show off his creation.  Then the young man dreams about the life of the murderer, waiting and waiting for the golem to sing.”

Kurt woke when his lover moved on their bed.  When he heard the click of the lamp, he opened his eyes to see Kitty sitting up, holding her palimpsest and busy scribbling.  The older man moved away from the light and caught her attention.  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb.”

“Is something wrong?”

“Not at all.  I just had the most inspiring dream and needed to write it down before I forgot it in the morning.  I’ll go out to the living room and you can go back to sleep.”

Kurt shifted to shade his eyes and face with his hand and scooted closer, to hide his face in her hip.  “It’s fine.  Just let me see what you wrote tomorrow.”

“Well . . . “

“You don’t like it.”

“I expected something more like a knife stabbing!  Or assault and battery with a fire poker!  The murderer just bashed the old guy’s head on the fireplace mantle?  What a letdown.”

“That’s the point.  The murderer didn’t mean to kill the old man.  He panicked because the first owner was about to start shouting.  In the heat of the struggle . . .”

“I suppose not everyone can be cold-blooded killers.”  Kurt sighed.  “Look, if you’re that bound and determined to keep this scene, you have to make some changes.  First, bodies don’t cool that rapidly.  1.5 degrees for every hour.  Second, there would be much more blood from a head wound.  Next . . . “

“Sometimes I feel you forget about me when you’re writing.”

Brown eyes looked up, surprised.  “I’m sorry!  Were we supposed to do something today?  Did I miss one of your days off?”

“Not at all.  Although you should probably eat this before it gets cold.”  The prematurely grey man passed her a plate of take-out.  “But when you’re in the zone, I could juggle a half-dozen knives and you wouldn’t even notice.  Makes me wonder what it would take to get your attention.”

Kitty eagerly dug in.  “It’s not like I don’t try to write every day.  But sometimes you’ve got to strike while the inspiration is hot.”

“I’ve never had a writer for a lover before.  It’s an interesting situation.  You’re almost always around when I come home and yet sometimes it feels you’re a hundred miles away when we’re in the same room together.  The challenges are quite unique.”

“But do you mind?”

“If I hated it, I would have left a long time ago.”  Kurt carefully turned away to take another bite.  “By the way, I’m working a double shift tomorrow.  So I won’t get back until very late.  Try to eat something without being prompted.  And be careful if anyone comes by in the evening.  There have been a lot of robberies in the neighborhood.”

“Detective Logan?”

“Kurt, you’d better sit down.”  The shorter man grabbed the surgeon’s arm and pulled him away from where the gurney was being wheeled into the operating room.

“Sit down?  But I’m on call, I should-”

“Sit down!”  The detective applied enough pressure that the other man was forced to take one of the emergency ward chairs.  “The nurse has already called Dr. Conners to work on this patient.”

Kurt stilled.  “Logan?  Who just got wheeled in?”  His voice was almost unnaturally calm but the Canadian detective wasn’t fooled.

“Kurt, I’m sorry to tell you, but your girlfriend got shot by the local robber.  He apparently broke in through the window and surprised her at her desk.  She managed to scare him away and call for help.”

The German crumpled in his chair.  “Do you know how bad she is?”

“I ain’t a doctor, bub.  But I was one of the first arrivals.”  Logan stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels.  “There was a lot of blood.  It don’t look good.”

Kurt nodded.  A seconds pause, and then he sprung up again, pacing back and forth rapidly.  “Ich, ich, I have to leave.  I can’t stay here and do nothing.”

One of the nurses overheard.  “But Dr. Wagner-”

“-is trading shifts with me.”  The three people in the waiting room looked up.

With his mask on, the expression on the junior surgeon’s face couldn’t be seen (not that anyone there would have recognized it) but his eyes clearly conveyed his relief.  “Thank you, Dr. Richards.”

The other man punched his shoulder.  “You’ll be taking my double later this month.  Hopefully, by then, your Kitty should be ready to go home.  Dr. Conners is really an excellent surgeon so you have nothing to worry about.”

“What a ridiculous statement.  Like knowing that would stop me from worrying.”

“She’ll be fine, Wagner.  Just go and work off that tension somewhere else.  You’re making everyone here even more anxious.”

He nodded.  “Maybe a walk will settle my nerves.  Logan, stay here.  If anything occurs, I want you to tell me when I get back.”  The older man nodded and Kurt ran out of the emergency ward.

“Hey, is that the Demon?”

Indeed, walking into the Black Cat speakeasy, was the Demon, blue mask and all.  He headed straight to the bar and held out a folded bill to Felicia Hardy.  She took the cash, then rung up a ‘No Sale’ in her register.  “So what will it be tonight?”

“A line on the burglar casing Eastern Manhattan.  I’ve got a rush job to do and I’d like some pointers on his technique.”  Rather than bother to inform him of the robber’s location, the blonde simply pointed to one of the tables in the shadowy corners of the speakeasy.  A nod from the Demon and a few quick words to the man’s tablemates and the two criminals had left the building, to walk in the deserted alleys of New York.  “Busy night, nicht war?”

“Huh?  Oh, yeah.”  The goon reached up where the sticking plaster was on his face.  “Tonight’s job didn’t go so good.  The doc was out but turns out his moll was still there.  She got me good with her nails but put a bullet in her belly, so there’s that.  But she managed to call the fuzz down on me before I could finish her off.  I hope my face doesn’t scar.  If she makes it and tells the police, that’ll be the end of it for me.  The Brotherhood don’t like freelancers on their territory.  If they catch me, it’ll be curtains.”

“Aha.”

“Hey, is that why you wear that mask all the time?  So the witnesses can’t pass your description to the fuzz?”

“That’s one of the reasons.  There are a couple of others.”  With one smooth turn, the assassin drew his gun and fired.  The thug, coincidentally, had stooped down to tie his shoe, causing the older man to miss.  He backed away, terror filling his eyes.

“What the fuck!?!  What’s this all about?”

“I usually don’t care about what you other lowlifes care to do with your time.  But it’s quite a different story when my girlfriend ends up on the wrong side of the bullet.  Blame your bad choice in targets this evening.”

“Wait, wait, that was your apartment I broke into?  Fuck, you bastard, let me go or I’ll tell every reporter in the city your real identity!”  The robber ripped a slat of an abandoned pallet and swung it at the Demon’s head.  The man dodged, but the ragged edge caught on the strings holding his mask up and ripped it away.  The thug looked at his face and screamed.  “You monster!”

The man didn’t bother picking the mask up again.  “No one sees my face and lives anyway, but I guess you’re just dead two times over now.”  He smiled, the rotted skin of his face pulling into a death rictus.

“So now the main character’s wife gets shot at the end?”

Kitty nodded absently as he helped her up the stairs.  “Yeah.  I thought I might as well put my experience to good use.”

“I suppose.  You don’t mind if I refuse to buy this one when it comes out?”

“Nah, I understand that it brings up bad memories for you.  But this time I can promise that the near-death experience will sound completely authentic!  And the wife lives!”

“Still . . . “  He opened the door to his (their) apartment.  “I made a few changes while you were recovering.”

She noticed the bars on the window.  “Uhh, is that safe?  What if there’s a fire?”

“Quick release on the floor.”  He demonstrated.  

“Oh, bee’s knees then, I guess.  But Kurt, you didn’t have to do that.”

“Kitty, I almost lost you that day.  I couldn’t bear it if something like that happened again.”   He grasped her hands in his.  “Those hours, waiting for you to come out of surgery made me realize something.  I don’t want to be parted from you again.  Katzchen,” he used his special nickname for her.  “Will you marry me?”

The ring was beautiful, an emerald cut diamond on a platinum band.  But Kitty didn’t even look at it, staring instead into her boyfriend’s blue eyes.  She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek through his mask.  “Yes!”

[blooming-blooming]

Saw I - VII: A Comprehensive View

This is something I don’t normally do, but have been meaning to do for a while when I consume a large series of media in a short period time. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to start.

As of recently, I’ve realized that I am a fan of horror. Like, a really, really big fan of horror. I’ve always flirted with my fascination of it (The Green Ribbon had more of an impact on me in the walls of my elementary school library than it probably should have on an 8 year old, in hindsight), but I never really knew where to go about getting into the genre until I started dating my girlfriend, who has horror as a special interest.

Growing up in the 2000’s with an older sister that was going through her middle school goth phase when the first film in the franchise came out, it was hard not to know about Saw. Such an iconic franchise I knew very little about past the gore (and, let’s be real -- I’m a huge fan of gore); so me, my girlfriend, and a friend of ours decided to spend my last weekend of Summer marathonning all 7 movies. Both of them had seen the first two films and we’d all read plot summaries, but besides that, it was a blind watch through. Here’s my brief stance on each one.

Altogether, I was surprised at just how much I enjoyed this experience. I was expecting to mostly suffer, and maybe find some small nuggets of enjoyment along the way to keep me going, but after every movie (except III), I found myself wanting to watch the next one right away. These movies are by no means good movies, for the most part, but they’ve become a guilty pleasure for me. Among all the egregious, torture porn-y gore and a plot that beyond transcends making even remote sense, I found myself having a lot of fun. And, at the end of the day, that’s the purpose of a cash cow franchise like this was: to entertain you. In that regard, the Saw franchise succeeded.

Saw (2004)

The first in the franchise, and the most iconic. We’ve all heard of the reverse bear trap and the part where Gordon cuts his foot off.

I didn’t know what to expect when I dove into this movie, and I was very pleasantly surprised. The atmospheric building is top notch, and the twist at the end has much more impact than I expected it to. I enjoyed the tension and distrust between Adam and Gordon; I felt it was just as realistic of an approach for them to never trust each other as it would have been had they slowly learned to trust each other.

What’s really important in this one, though, which every sequel lacks, is Kramer’s portrayal. He’s not painted as philosophical or in the light, he’s painted as downright sadistic and cruel. The fact that he isn’t a murderer in the absolute broadest sense of the term is only ever mentioned by Gordan, and not constantly used as a justification for him. His cancer is only ever brought up to give him a connection to Gordon and Zepp; not something to make the viewers empathize.

This especially makes the final scene, the one where he stands up, have so much more impact: “The key was in the bathtub,” and Adam’s subsequent reaction is the ultimate punch in the stomach to the viewer because it’s so evil. The entire time Adam thought he had a chance, that there was a spot of hope for him, only to have it viciously jerked away as he realizes he was damned from the beginning. Because this is a franchise with a narrative built entirely on retconning, this impact is diminished severely in later installments, but as a standalone film, it’s top notch.

Also, apparently the ship name for Gordon and Adam is “Chainshipping”. I have no idea how that, of all ship names, wasn’t taken by the YuGiOh fandom at least a decade ago, but I’m mildly impressed that a ship that obscure has a name at all.

Overall score: 8/10

Saw II (2005)

The second installment in the franchise. It’s worth noting that the original screenplay wasn’t intended to be a Saw film, but rather an original story that got adapted to work into the Saw universe.

The story follows eight people who have all been locked in a house. The doors will open and they’ll be free in three hours, but there’s just one problem: there’s a neurotoxin in their systems that will kill them in two. They need to work together to find out what their connection to one another is while overcoming challenges to gain antidotes to the neurotoxin before they die. Meanwhile, a police team lead by detective Eric Matthews has located and is interrogating Kramer on the location of Matthews’ son, Daniel, one of the eight people in the house.

Right off the bat, the drop of quality from the first movie is extremely apparent. Very few members of the cast are properly developed, and many die before they even get to their trap. Most notably, one of the characters, Obi, is an arsonist who is very heavily implied to be an accomplice of Kramer’s. This aspect is explored for all of about two minutes before he gets burned alive in an incinerator. It’s hard to get invested because there are too many characters who have nothing going for them.

Despite that, there are good things about the film. The needle pit scene is well done in just how tense and unfair it is. Likewise, the twist at the end that the house game happened before the police found Kramer is really creative and interesting. Sadly, these positives don’t make the movie worth watching overall, though.

Overall score: 4/10

Saw III (2006)

I honestly don’t know what to say. This was the worst movie I have ever watched in my entire life. Sadism and cruelty in a story should have a narrative purpose and should ultimately be shown to be bad, but it’s not here. You are honest to god supposed to think John Kramer, the serial killer who took one of his victims, a mentally ill recovering drug addict, and brainwashed her to carry out his torture with him, is in the moral right when said victim finally lashes out. You’re supposed to think it’s cool when Amanda, who has been deliberately manipulated and abused by this man, gets told she couldn’t meet up to his standards. You’re supposed to think she deserved her death for being “irrational” when she calls Kramer out on his bullshit, hypocritical, half-assed “philosophy”. Fuck that. Fuck that so hard with a stake wrapped in barbed wire.

Also, the dad was an unsympathetic piece of shit and all of the traps weren’t violent in a way that was thematically appropriate (minus the crucifix one, but that one was disturbing for a million other reasons, anywways, so who the fuck cares if it was good conceptually), they were just gross. I have never wanted to unwatch a movie as badly as I wanted to unwatch this one immediately after finishing it in my entire life.

HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.

Overall score: -∞/10

Saw IV (2007)

Lord knows why I decided to continue watching these movies after the misanthropic, nihilistic, faux-philosophical sack of trash that was III, but I’m surprisingly glad I did. I feel like I could just say, “A pedophile dies one of the single most brutal deaths known to man, and a man who abuses his wife and daughter has a terrible death, too,” but that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of what makes this movie amazing.

This is the first film where Kramer is dead (or so we’re lead to believe), however, Amanda is dead, too. So the franchise needs a new accomplice retconned in to take over after this film when Kramer and Amanda are dead For Real. Enter detective Hoffman, who had a grand total of one line of dialogue in III, to take that spot.

The plot and pacing of this film is stupid. And when I say stupid, I mean stupid. Everything is so ridiculously convoluted with multiple plot lines and involvement in the FBI that I honest to god could not describe to someone what happens. And, somewhere along the way, the film goes full circle. It becomes so ridiculous, so hard to follow, that it becomes brilliant. It’s so convoluted that you can’t help but laugh at the absolute absurdity of it all. This movie is a shitshow, but it’s an entertaining shitshow.

Overall score: 3/10

Saw V (2008)

The first film where Kramer and Amanda are Dead For Real, following the fallout from the incidents of Saws III + IV. FBI Agent Peter Strahm is onto Hoffman’s identity, and is deadset on bringing him to justice. Meanwhile, five people are trapped in a sewer and need to learn what connects all of them, and also go through some traps to attract viewers to theaters because nobody would see this otherwise.

This film is ultimately disappointing because it could have been good. All five contestants in the sewer game are really interesting, and it takes the concept of II and fixes up the ideas from it. Sadly, this cast and their story gets even less development than those in Saw II. I’m not joking when I say that they’re only there for the sake of a murder game to attract viewers; 90% of the film is focused on a boring game of cat and mouse between Strahm and Hoffman. It’s really a shame, since I absolutely love the twist at the end that they were supposed to work together for all of the traps and none of them had any idea until it was too late. It’s a concept I might make something of my own with, since I’d really love to see it done well and properly developed.

Overall score: 2/10

Saw VI (2009)

This movie is, quite frankly, surreal. I’m not sure if all of the previous sequels simply wore down my standards for what is or isn’t a high quality movie, but this film was legitimately fantastic.

A very common criticism for this movie is that it is far too political for a franchise that is known for just being senseless gore -- and it’s true, especially because of how hypocritical it is that a franchise based entirely around killing/punishing people for arbitrary reasons is making social commentary on the insurance industry deciding who deserves to live based on arbitrary reasons. Despite that, though, there’s something about it in this film that works so well.

The storytelling in this movie is the closest any of the sequels get to matching the quality of the first film. Following protagonist William Easton, the CEO of an insurance company that is notorious for rejecting potential clients coverage when needed or prematurely terminating contracts, he is lead through several traps where he is forced to put value on the lives of his employees. Meanwhile, Hoffman is dealing with the consequences of trying and failing to frame the now-deceased Strahm for his crimes.

I really don’t know what to say about this film other than it’s bizarrely well done. The Merry Go Round trap is my favorite trap in the franchise (after my Number 1 Hall of Fame favorite, The Bed Trap from IV, anyways); the direction of the arguing employees begging for life and Easton ultimately leaving his second choice up to chance just so he can get it over with is handled chillingly well. A lot of people find the twist diminishing to Easton’s storyline, but I disagree. The fact that the game was never Easton’s and was always the wife and son of one of the people his company was responsible for the death for reminds me a lot of the first film in a good way. It has the same cruelty to it that is satisfying because it works within the narrative; just because Easton realized the errors of his ways in an extreme situation does not mean the people he has hurt in his practices have to forgive him. This is pointed out as such in both Tara and Brent’s dialogue as they make the choice in the end to kill him. It’s just as appropriate of a response as if they let him live.

This is also the first (and only) movie where I even find myself interested in the extended “plot” throughout all seven movies; Hoffman has completely screwed himself over, and it’s surprisingly suspenseful to watch him try and crawl himself out of his hole.

Overall score: 7/10

Saw VII (2010)

Overall score: Torture porn/10