#did this in like five minutes so excuse any mistakes <33

[dozing-marshmallow]

Okey, hear me out.

Chris Mclean with a wife that is just THICC. Like she Has a bit of a chubby tummy with big thights, chest, behind etc.

She Has them amazing curves AND also is really sweet and caring towards everyone. You just look at her and you think "How the hell did Chris git with her?" And when you meet her you'r even more confused. Idk I just Imagine Chris be the kind of dude to find any excuse to ley his head on you cuz you just so comfortable and soft <33 and when you fell backpains cuz of you'r breasts he hires the best massagers[or just does it himself ;)]

If you'r uncomfortable its ok. But just let me know then so I don't wait like an idiot.

I hope you'll have a lovely day!

(sorry for aby gramer or spelling errors, English is not my first lenguage)

👀 pixar mom reader confirmed?? I’ll be for real, this was a lot of fun to write, and don’t worry about grammar mistakes! Thank you for the request and may you all enjoy and have a lovely day too~

CHRIS MCLEAN X “THICC”! WIFE! READER HEADCANONS

No one could deny how attractive you were.

Your own husband couldn’t resist you for more than half a day.

“Chriiis, what are you doing?” a question that often left your mouth imbued a different answer each time from Chris.

“You’re comfy, (Y/N).” his usually loud voice blocked by his face sinking as far as he could into your covered cleavage.

"Aren’t you honest!" you gently nudge his head,"But we have an episode to get to in two minutes, so if you just wanna...” you step back, forcing Chris into solitary.

He huffs, before getting an amazing idea- he puts his hand over his eyes,“Oh no! I can’t see where I’m going! Is this...” he zombie walks towards you and readjusts his head back on the natural pillow of your chest before you could properly make a run for it,“I made it to bed! Alright, I’m gonna stay right here until I regain my sight!”

“Chris!” you squall, finding displeasure that he wasn't taking you seriously and wasn't getting off so easily this time, with the hand he used to blind himself now tightened around you,“Come onn, there’ll be plenty of time to do this after we shoot the episode!”

“Just five more minutes, please (Y/N)!”

Not on days like that, albeit you do dress up in a bunny fit for him.

“You know I’m very fertile, Chris.” you press yourself up against him enticingly on his lap,“As fertile as a bunny rabbit can be.”

“I can tell.” his voice sounded composed, but his face was crazy red,“Can never get enough of your legs though. You know that you could choke someone with just one thigh, right?”

My, that sounds dangerous!,“Oh dear... I’m not that heavy, am I?”

“Never! It’s like I always say... Everything about you is awesome. Everything. From the top of your head to the core of your skeleton.”

“Well, that’s relieving...” You feel his hand exploring about on your round back,“How do you like these fishnets? Wore them just for you.”

His hands then squeeze through the space between under your thighs and the top of his lap, masking his extreme prurience with his dismissive,“Duh. Who else would you wear them for?”

With the contestants, you’re very friendly to them.

Like once beginning with brushing Lindsay’s hair,“Lindsay, you have such beautiful hair."

The “dumb princess” giggles,“I knoww! It’s the prettiest bare here!”

From the wide distance in which Chris stood from, he snaps a photo of you tending to Lindsay with his camera,“Aww!”

Seeing that strengthened Cody’s confidence to approach the hot host,“Hey Chris... I need to ask you advice on something.”

“Sure thing dude, what’s up?” Chris grinned, not taking his eyes off his camera.

“It’s..." the geek takes a breath,"How do you get girls?”

“You say exactly what’s on your mind.”

“Well, I do...” his voice quiet,“But every time I speak, Gwen looks at me like I’m a donkey carcass!”

"Sucks to be you, can’t relate one bit.”

Cody was about to whine his way into defending himself had he not fully noticed Chris’ lack of presence in the conversation. He was...taking pictures?

“Uh...why are you taking photos of (Y/N) when you get to see her everyday? If anyone should be taking pictures, it should be me!” He really didn’t think with that one.

“I know dude, but she’s into photography and she reaaaaaally likes having her pictures taken. It’s a favour for her and I.” he suddenly turns to Cody, washing a scowl on his face,“Save your photo taking skills for someone else, okay? Not on my someone who’s like old enough to be your mom. That’s just gross.”

Meanwhile with the girls:

“(Y/NNN), you should really reconsider your marriage.” Beth advises with a glum glaze reflecting off her glasses.

Confusion bubbles your mind,“What do you mean?” you ask, placing Lindsay’s brush down as you began dividing her hair into smaller sections.

“What does Beth mean?“ Sadie repeated like you were crazy,“(Y/N), you’re like a super goddess compared to Chris! He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Yeah, what Sadie said! I was thinking that too!” After Katie spends a minute gushing with Sadie about their unbreakable friendship, she turns back to you with concern,“But for real, you’re WOAH and there, Chris is...” she doesn’t feel the need to finish it, which takes you by surprise.

“Aww, what? He’s way more WOAH than I am!”

“That’s not true...” Bridgette curiously comments,“What do you see in that guy?”

“He makes me laugh.”

Pause.

Courtney’s the first to boom,“Seriously? There’s about ten thousand other men that can do that and not be as horrible as Chris is!”

“Ohh, but Chris isn’t horrible!” you exclaim, dropping Lindsay’s hair to clasp your hands for the moment,“He’s a wonderful guy! The most wonderful man I’ve met in my entire life!” 

“(Y/N)... You’re too nice.” Gwen breathes out exasperated, gothic view floats to your symmetrically defined waist,“Have you tried modelling before?”

“I have, yes, but I was rejected for not fitting the standards.”

“Impossible!” Lindsay flips her head around on impulsive shock. Thanks to her extensive hair length, it barely made a difference to the styling process.

“Possible. They said I wasn’t what they were looking for and told me to surgically change myself before reaching out to them again. As if!” you do the next batch of golden dyed hair,“While the experience wasn’t ideal, it reminded me of something that even as a grown woman I need to be careful of. At the time, I was actually willing to lose a part of me that I was perfectly fine with for the sake of a runaway platform. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? To do all that for one place? Let this resonate that you as young girls should never feel that you need to ruin what you were naturally given to feel loved or pretty. If something or someone doesn’t accept you for who you are naturally, the relationship was not meant to be and you mustn’t dwell on them. Don’t do things to yourself that aren’t for yourself.”

You had done the final twist in the band of Lindsay’s hair.

...

All they could think by the end of it was

How the hell did Chris get with her.

Back to some private examples with lover man.

“I’m so exhausted!” you fall down in your armchair, groaning to Chris,“I could do with a new bra...”

He smirked,“That one you’re wearing too small?”

“Or I’m too big.” your hands shoot up through your shirt to unclip it, freedom freezing off the tension around your shoulders,“It’s hard to breathe sometimes, you know? These balls of feminine fat hang on my chest doing nothing all day, but weigh me down and kill my back! Sometimes I envy women with smaller boobs, they can move as much as they please and don’t need to spend hours on hours searching for clothes!”

“Yeah uh, I don’t think comparing yourself in this case is gonna help you feel better.” a cheeky glint fires across his pupils, his voice rasping gingerly,“How about a nice massage instead? All it costs is your love!” 

A tease of your own climbs up on your lips,“And by love, you mean a week’s worth of getting to sleep on me?”

“Huh? Oh no, of course not!” Liar. Look at how happy he was to do something for someone else. It was exactly what he wanted.

“Okay, okay.” you laugh and trudge to the bed, preparing to undress yourself.

Like Chris was gonna allow any masseuse, no matter how good they were, to see your body the way he could.

Especially if he could get a personal reward out of it.

You intentionally moaned when his fingers dug deep into your rhomboids.

“Better?” his tone still mischievous and salient.

You nod, sitting up and sighing in relief,“Much better... You’ve improved your technique, haven’t you?”

He scratches the back of his head, smiling sincerely,“You noticed? Well, of course, only the best for you.”

“Aw, aren’t you the best husband anyone can ask for?” you push yourself off the bed and wrap your arms around his neck, kissing his flustered cheek,“Thank you. Now who’s ready for a good night sleep?”

[cosmicladyy]

I need more wesley wizard headcanons please 😫

random wesley headcanons <3

hanging out at cat café on your days off !!

to all my homies with a cat allergy, better take some allergy medicine <<333

Depending on how busy they are, sometimes you’re either hanging out with the cats or in the back helping out 

Howell would pull you into their fish related arguments

“You’re his partner, reason with him, for me.” *cue sparkly background*

“Do what with who?”

you were too busy making a kitten dance to even realize what was going on

through the café is how you met Bee

when she wasn’t napping, she made for pleasant conversations about which cat was best or which dish was best

“Man, that guy’s food was reaaally good.”

“You mean ‘looked good’, right?”

“..yea.”

whenever his brother was distracted, Wesley would sneak out plates of food for you

you scold him to not do that and wrestle money into his hand

the sentiment is forever cherished in your heart, but there’s no way you’re eating without paying

he takes your money but pays from his own wallet and slips your money back to you when you’re not paying attention

date nights !!

he plans them out ahead of time

once he took you out on his boat to watch the sunset and had little snacks that he bought from the convenience store

another time ya’ll just lounged around at your shared place watching random documentaries 

puppycat feeling threatened by you at first

not in a “He’s mine, back off’ kind of way

more like a “he’s too cool to be tied down, why are you here”

he thought you’d ‘water down’ his coolness

whenever you’re with wesley and puppycat was nearby, he’d just- stare you down, not blinking for a second like he was trying to read your mind

his tune quickly changed when you caught him effortlessly as he fell from a tree (he was lowkey stalking and slipped)

“Uh, Wes? Bee’s pet got in the house again.”

“TEACH ME HOW TO BE COOL.”

MATCHING PJ’S IDCCC

one pair has little cartoon fish running up and down the set

some mornings, if you’re up before him, he’ll trudge over to wherever you might be and just flop down onto you and soak in your warmth

you both fell the first time he did this

if he’s up before you, he likes to pull you into his chest and just hold you for a few minutes

then he tries to not wake you and goes to makes breakfast

dude makes a mean omelet

[bellakitse]

Greener on the Other Side

“I’m sorry,” he gasps, not believing what she’s just said. “Say that again, please.”

“I said he’s married,” she repeats herself softly, giving him a pitying look. “And he has a kid."

+

Alex hasn't heard anything about TK Strand in over four years. That's about to change.

Alex Fletcher walks into Gramercy Tavern twenty minutes later than he agreed to meet his friends. He already dreads what is sure to be a lecture on his constant tardiness from the group, but more so, what he knows will be pointed looks when they see he’s come alone instead of with his boyfriend.

Spotting them to the left of the restaurant, he starts to make his way over to them. “Sorry, sorry,” he starts to say with a charming smile as all five of them look up at his voice, hoping to curb the scolding before it starts. “The 6 train was an absolute mess. It got the 33rd street and then refused to go forward.”

Liz and Becca share a look at his excuse, and Alex has to keep from rolling his eyes at them. He gets it. Being late is one of his less desirable character traits, and they find it annoying, but after over a decade of friendship, he thinks they should get over it by now.

“Yeah, the trains have been acting up all week,” Malcolm offers while his wife Patricia gives him a small smile, the two of them ever the peacemakers of the group. “Sit down, man.”

Alex offers his friends a more sincere smile, shaking hands with him and his other buddy Chris before giving all three women kisses on the cheek.

“Where is Dean?” Patricia asks politely, and Alex winces at her mistake. It’s been a while since he and Dean ended things, but it’s also been a while since Patricia has joined her husband at one of their dinners.

“We broke up a few months ago,” he tells her, his face feeling tight from his fake smile. “I’m dating someone new now. His name is Wallace.”

“Oh,” Patricia says softly, going a little red in the face at her blunder. “My apologies, Alex.”

He waves her off, wanting to move on from the embarrassing moment quickly. “No worries, Patty,” he says to her. “And Wallace wanted to come, but he had to work,” he explains, trailing off lamely, not believing the lie himself, but it’s not like he can tell his friends that Wallace simply didn’t want to come because he thought it would be boring.

His friends all give him understanding, if not quite believing looks, and Alex wonders just how pathetic his expression is that they don’t push for more.

The mood around the table is awkward and quiet, making his skin feel tight. Thankfully their waiter comes over to take their drink order, easing the moment, giving him something else to focus on.

He starts to loosen up once there is a vodka soda in his hand. He listens to Liz as she talks about her latest architecture project, laughs at the funny story Chris tells them about his 1st-grade class painting the class bunny with washable markers. He’s enjoying their company, forgetting for a moment that his boyfriend should be there with him getting to know his friends when Becca’s eyes light up as Chris wraps up another story about his students.

“You guys will never believe who I saw yesterday walking out of FAO Schwarz,” she starts, her brown eyes lighting up with the chance to share some juicy gossip.

Alex leans in, already intrigued by the look on her face.

“Who?” Liz asks with a grin, curious herself.

“TK Strand,” Becca answers, saying the name with emphasis, and Alex gets why even as he feels shock go through him. It’s been over four years since he has seen or heard from TK. Not since the night he stopped him from proposing, confessing he was in love with someone else.

Mitchell, he thinks bitterly as he takes a large gulp of his drink. In the end, he’d turned out to be Alex’s own personal karma for hurting TK.

Walking in on him and another guy from their gym eight months into their official relationship had been a kick in the teeth and a hard lesson to learn.

He shakes his head to clear it from the lousy memory just in time to hear Becca’s following comment, shocking him more than her first. “I’m sorry,” he gasps, not believing what she’s just said. “Say that again, please.”

Becca looks at him, hesitating as she bites down on her lip, looking remorseful for a moment, probably remembering that out of all of them, he’d be the one with the most invested interest.

“I said he’s married,” she repeats herself softly, giving him a pitying look. “And he has a kid. They were coming out of the toy store when I bumped into them, and he introduced them to me. His husband’s name is Carlos, and their little boy is Luca. Really cute kid – was talking a mile a minute about all the toys in the place, and given all the bags they had, they must have bought him half the store.”

“Wow,” Chris breathes out, his surprise evident. “I can’t believe he’s married and with a kid. How old do you think?”

“Four,” Becca answers instantly. “I asked Luca, and he held up his fingers.”

Alex shakes his head again. It’s been four years since he and TK were together, and he has a four-year-old son. “That doesn’t make any sense,” he says mostly to himself.

“I get the feeling he’s adopted,” Becca answers. “Or maybe Carlos’ son,” she continues with a shrug. “But he called TK dad.”

“What was the husband like?” Liz questions, and Alex is grateful because he can’t bring himself to ask.

“He was polite and friendly,” Becca pauses, shooting him another look before continuing. “Ridiculously hot, and hopelessly in love with TK. I spent maybe ten minutes with them, and you guys should have seen the way he looked at him. It was like TK hung the moon.”

The table is quiet for a moment. For his benefit, he’s sure, as he tries to process everything he’s learned, when Liz speaks up again.

“Good for TK. He deserves that and more,” she says with a smile on her face that takes a hard edge when he shoots her a glare. “What?” she questions, her whole expression challenging him. “You didn’t take care of him when you guys were together, and he’s a great guy. I always liked him even though we lost touch after you broke up. I’m glad he’s found happiness.”

Alex bites down on the urge to lash out at his friend, not only is it a losing battle with Liz, but deep down in the parts of him where he has buried his guilt and shame at his past actions, he knows he can’t argue with the truth she just laid on him.

 ֎֎֎

 The rest of the dinner is awkward to say the least. Even though they move on from TK, Alex can’t stop thinking about his ex and what he’s learned. He pulls Becca to the side as they’re leaving, grilling her for any more information she might have.

She finally tells him TK had mentioned they were staying with his mother and little brother – one of the few things he did know about TK and his family since Gwyneth and his father ran in the same legal circles. He’d learned about the woman’s surprise pregnancy almost three years ago.

Becca looks at him as he absorbs the information before letting out a heavy sigh, reminding him not to do anything stupid.

He’d given her an absent nod that even he didn’t believe. Which is probably why he’s outside of Gwyneth’s Park Avenue apartment in a hat and sunglasses like a stalker, hoping to catch a glimpse of his ex and his husband.

Whether luck is on his side or karma wants to teach him another lesson, he doesn’t have to wait long. He’s been outside of the swanky apartment building for maybe 15 minutes, trying to decide what exactly he thinks he’s doing, when the front door opens and out walks the person he wants to see.

He ducks behind a tree just in time to not be spotted, peeking behind it to look at the small family.

TK, at 26-years-old, had been a beautiful man; Alex remembers that well. But now, at 30, he’s even more stunning if that’s even possible. He walks out of the building with a tall, muscular man Alex instantly recognizes as the ‘ridiculously hot’ mystery husband. Each of them with a little boy in their arms.

“So what are we doing today?” he hears TK ask with a grin on his face as the little boys instantly start to chant, ‘Park, park, park!’

“I wanna see the penguins, Dada,” exclaims the little boy in the arms of TK’s husband. Carlos and Luca, he remembers.

TK smiles softly at his son before looking at the child in his own arms. “What about you, little brother? Do you want to go to the Central Park Zoo and see the penguins?” he asks, tickling his chin, getting a happy giggle along with a nod from the little boy.

TK’s grin grows before he looks over at his husband, getting a nod from the man too.

“It’s unanimous then,” TK proclaims in an animated voice that has the boys lighting up. “To the park! To the penguins!”

The pair of boys let out a ‘yeah!’ leaning over at each other to share a clumsy high-five that has the adults laughing.

“You just had to rile them up, troublemaker,” Carlos scolds TK, and he might be a stranger to Alex, but he can tell it’s said with amused fondness.  

“You love me,” TK teases his husband, going easily when the man reaches out to tug him in closer by his shirt, turning his face up as his husband leans in to kiss him, tilting to the side to keep the boys out of the way.

Alex swallows hard at the display. Even from where he’s hiding, he can see TK’s bright smile and dancing green eyes once he and his husband break the kiss.

“Always, my love,” Carlos tells TK as he kisses the side of his face adoringly.

“Dada, Papa,” Luca groans out. “Kissing later, park now,” he continues, much to the amusement of the two men.

“So demanding,” TK teases, leaning in to kiss the little boy’s cheek too, laughing at the face he makes. “Okay, let’s go.”

They start towards the park, and Alex hesitates for a moment. He’s seen and heard TK and his family with his own eyes and ears. It’s obvious his ex is happy and not at all thinking about him. He should turn around in the opposite direction and leave before his luck runs out and they spot him. It’s the reasonable thing to do, and yet he finds himself following them about half a block back, keeping his head down.

He can’t hear them from this distance, but he can watch them. He takes in the way the two men hold hands while each holding on to a child, listening and chatting with the two little ones. Everything about them screams family, and Alex can’t deny the dull ache it causes inside his chest.

Is this what he and TK could have had?

He follows them through the park until they come to a series of benches. He watches as TK hands over his little brother to his husband, the man easily carrying both kids. TK sits down, but no one else does. Instead, he waves at them as his husband walks away with the children, leaving TK alone.

Alex hesitates again. This is his chance to approach TK, and yet he’s frozen in place by indecision.

A moment later, his ex takes the choice out of his hand.

He startles as TK turns his head to look straight at him with a raised eyebrow. “Are you just going to stand there?” he calls out to him casually, the picture of calm as he places his arms on the backrest of the bench. It’s different from the TK he remembers, who was always constantly bouncing his legs with nervous energy.

“How did you – “ he starts, feeling awkward and off-balance.

“I didn’t,” TK answers with a shrug as Alex gets closer to him. “It was Carlos who realized. He’s a cop. Noticing weirdos is kind of his job.”

Alex cringes at the descriptor as he comes to a stop in front of him. “Hi, TK,” he says lamely, wincing again at the high pitch sound of his voice.

TK raises an eyebrow at him again. “Hello, Alex. Any particular reason you’re following us in that get-up?” he questions, pointing at his hat and sunglasses.

Alex feels his face grow hot at the question. He reaches up, taking them off. “Becca said she saw you,” he says uncomfortably, getting a casual nod back from his ex. “And I got curious,” he continues weakly. “I couldn’t help myself.”

“That sounds like poor impulse control,” TK mutters to himself. He moves to the side, leaving half the bench open for Alex to decide if he wants to take a seat or not.

Alex would be embarrassed by the speed with which he takes the offer, but the joy at being allowed to get closer overrides that. Neither says anything after he sits down, him because he’s nervous, TK it seems because he’s simply waiting him out.

“So,” he starts slowly. “You’re visiting?”

TK looks at him, seeming to study him before giving him a nod. “We try to see my mother and my little brother Robbie every few months. Sometimes they come to see us, but New York is always pretty in the spring, and Luca has never been.”

“That’s your son,” he blurts out, his face going hot again at the look TK shoots him.

“Becca shared everything, did she,” he questions with a dry smile, shaking his head to himself.

“The group had dinner,” he explains, not needing to add who exactly was there. There was a time when TK would have sat right next to him at one of those dinners, charming everyone with stories about fighting fires and daring rescues.

“Ah,” TK exhales softly. “It’s nice you all still do that. They’re good people. I liked them.”

“They liked you too,” Alex answers, giving TK a half-smile. “Liz was thrilled to hear that you’re married and have a kid. She’s happy you’re happy.”

TK smiles, this time more genuine. “That sounds like her,” he comments, looking nostalgic for the first time. “She was always kind to me,” he finishes, not adding anything else.

It goes quiet between them again, causing Alex’s nerves to fray at the edges. He’s not used to this TK. The one he remembers always filled the silence, even if it was just with nervous chatter.

“So, are you?” he can’t help but blurt out, swallowing nervously when TK gives him a curious look. “Are you happy?”

TK lets out a huff, and while he doesn’t smile or laugh, Alex can see a hint of amusement in his bottle-green eyes. “Is that why you’re here? You want to know if I’m happy?”

He feels the hairs at the back of his neck stand at the mocking he hears in TK’s voice. “Is that so crazy?” he questions defensively. “The last time we spoke wasn’t precisely the best encounter – “

“That’s because I was getting ready to propose to you and instead found out you were fucking around my back with a spin instructor,” TK interrupts him, surprising Alex with how calm he is. There is no anger or reproach in TK’s voice like Alex anticipated, just a simple fact. It hurts Alex more than he expected to witness how unaffected TK seems. “How is Mitchell by the way?”

Alex clenches his fists, his nails digging into his palms as embarrassment courses through him. He wants to stand up and walk away from this. He’s not sure what he’d hoped to accomplish by seeking TK out, but it’s clear now whatever it was, he isn’t going to get it.

He looks at TK to find a mild curiosity on his face, like Alex’s answer doesn’t really matter to him one way or another.

“We broke up,” he answers anyway, taking a breath to try to soothe the ache before his next words. “I found him in our bed with someone else less than a year after you and I broke up.”

“Well shit,” TK says quietly, letting out a breath of his own. He doesn’t look gloating the way he has a right to look. Instead, he looks at Alex with what can only be called compassion. “Karma didn’t just pay you back. It sucker-punched you in the face, huh?”

Alex lets out a startled laugh at the description. TK joins him with a chuckle of his own, and Alex welcomes it even if it’s at his own expense. They laugh for a few seconds before they let it trail off.

“To answer your question,” TK starts to say. He looks at him, bobbing his head softly. “Yes, I’m happy. I’m the kind of happy where I wake up in the morning, look at my husband sleeping, usually with our kid between us, and I can’t believe just how lucky I am.”

“You love him,” Alex whispers, not really needing an answer when he can see it clearly on his face.

TK answers anyway. “He’s my soulmate,” he says with a smile that isn’t directed at him at all. It’s directed at the man who walked away with two kids in his arms minutes before. “I used to think that was you,” he continues, his voice sounding far away, lost in the past while Alex aches in the present. “I was so sure of it once, and then I met Carlos. I was still a mess about you, and I wasn’t looking to fall in love at all, but there he was, and I fell. I fell so fast, Alex. Years later, I’m still falling in love with him every single day.”

“That sounds – “ Alex starts, exhaling through the dull throbbing in his chest. “Scary, honestly.”

TK smiles, bright and beautiful, just like Alex remembers. “It is,” he says with a short laugh. “It’s terrifying, but it’s also amazing, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world.”

Alex nods quietly to himself.

“I’m sorry you haven’t found that yet,” TK continues softly because it seems that surprising Alex is the name of the game today. He gives TK a shocked look that has him giving Alex a compassionate look back. “I never wished you ill will. I was hurt and angry after everything went to hell between us, but in the end, I wanted you to find someone to love the way you couldn’t love me and for that person to love you back just the same.”

Alex swallows hard at TK’s words, feeling overwhelmed by them. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

TK looks away from him, and Alex follows his gaze to find that his husband and the kids are coming back with ice cream in their hands. “Thank you for saying that,” he says softly as he stands. He looks down at Alex, giving him a slight quirk of his mouth. “Goodbye, Alex. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

Alex watches TK walk away from him, knowing it will be the last time he’ll see him. “Goodbye, TK,” he whispers at his back, feeling the loss more now than he did four years ago.

 ֎֎֎

 “Dada, we got ice cream!” Luca exclaims happily as he slurps on his spiderman popsicle.

“I can see that. Can I have a taste of spidey?” he questions, leaning in when Luca sweetly offers him his treat. “Mmm, that’s yummy. Thank you, sweetheart.”

Luca smiles up at him, his face already a sticky red and blue mess. He looks at Robbie to see his face is yellow from his Spongebob popsicle. He smiles at them fondly as he turns his backpack to his front, searching for the wet wipes to clean their faces.

“We got you a cone with sprinkles,” Carlos says with a smile, though TK can see the worry in his eyes. “Is everything okay?”

TK looks at his husband, taking in his concern for him along with his ever-present love, and smiles as he remembers what he just told Alex moments ago. The love he and Carlos share is so strong – it can be frightening at times to feel so much and so intensely for another person, but like he told Alex, he wouldn’t change it for the world when it means Carlos loves him back just as strongly.

“Yeah, baby,” he answers, reaching out to touch Carlos’ cheek. “Everything is okay,” he smiles at his husband before looking down at his son and little brother. “Better than okay because we’re going to go see some penguins!”

Luca and Robbie cheer happily.

“Let’s go, Robbie,” Luca says to his uncle, throwing an arm over the other little boy’s shoulder.

TK and Carlos watch them walk a few steps ahead of them, chatting away the way only little kids can.

“You sure you’re alright?” Carlos asks as he hands him a melting ice cream. TK takes it, giving it a few licks to keep it from dripping.

“I swear, babe,” he assures him as he wraps an arm around Carlos’ waist. “We talked, and then we said goodbye.”

“What did he want?” Carlos asks curiously.

TK shrugs. He’ll be honest even after talking to Alex; he’s still not entirely sure what the other man wanted out of the conversation. “I’m not even sure he knows,” he answers after a moment. “He apologized for the past and asked me if I was happy. Maybe he was feeling guilty.”

“What did you tell him?” Carlos questions, a smile playing on his mouth when TK shoots him a look. “What?” he asks innocently, and TK can’t help but chuckle at his fishing.

“I told him,” he starts to say, making sure that he’s holding Carlos’ gaze, as usual falling in love all over again as he gets lost in Carlos’ soulful brown eyes. “That every morning, I wake up amazed I got so lucky to love and be loved by you.”

Carlos pulls him to his side, pressing his face into his neck. “I’m the lucky one, Ty,” he whispers against his skin.

TK smiles at Carlos’ words, his smile growing as Luca shouts for them to keep up; the penguins are waiting. “We both are, my love.”

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (3)

Synopsis: News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right?

Pairing: yandere!Taehyung x f!reader

genre: angst, horror, weirdly some fluff lol

Warnings: dark themes, yandere, stalking, manipulation, conditioning, mentions of abuse, suicidal ideations/attempts, self harm, murder, depictions of torture etc (basically its gorey and fucked up), angel trap, etc stabbing and guns. do not read if triggered!!!!

wordcount: 2.2k

taglist: @yes-sol-not-soul @yoongiofmine

a/n: pt 3 is here!! honestly i wasnt expecting this amount of support as i’ve never published my writing before so thank u sm ♡ i was inspired to write this one night and i had no idea where it’d go or anything but i’m happy with the way its turning out :D fun fact abt me, i’ve been obsessed w the franchise since i was little and i actually have 2 saw tattoos, one of billy and one above saying “cherish your life” since that’s pretty much the motto of saw :) and i have quite the collection of saw/billy items so why not turn my fav horror film into a fucked up love story! let me know if u would like to be added to the taglist and pls enjoy reading^^ feel free to send me asks abt the series or anything u want~ i love hearing from u guys!! :D ps— taehyung and the reader dont have much interaction in this part,, theyll definitely be more of them together in part 4 :) unedited so pls excuse any mistakes!! tysm <33 and remember these are fictional characters and do not represent bts personally in any way!!

series masterlist

part one part two

The headlines constantly named the Jigsaw Killer, Billy. The somewhat eerie little doll that had a face as white as a Calla Lily with spirals on it’s cheeks as red as the blood that was shed during the tests. Billy was always dressed in a little black suit with a red bowtie and he was (most of the time) situated on a squeaky battered tricycle. Attached was always a tape that read “play me” and when the subjects did, a chilling voice— one that could make even the world's worst predators shiver with terror— would echo around the room.

Everyone knew that a doll clearly wasn’t responsible, yet they gave it the name Billy in hopes to somewhat humanise the face that instilled panic— they did not want to live in fear.

It was the only face behind the killings.

But this time, there was a different subject stuck in the test and Billy had made sure there was no way for them to survive.

“How are you scared of heights? You’re practically a giant yourself!”

“Just because I’m tall doesn’t mean I can’t be scared of heights Y/Nie.”

You had no idea how long had passed since Taehyung had turned up at the garage, you were too busy chatting away squeezed into the kitchen while your Dad, Yoongi and Hobi worked on the cars in the shop. If anyone could hear you both, they would think you’d known eachother since childhood— the playful jokes and light touches exaggerated that.

You’d only known him for a few hours really, if you added the time spent with him on the first day and now. It hadn’t seemed like all those weeks ago that you first met, he had a familiar presence, as though you had known him for years compared to the hours.

“I just wouldn’t imagine you to be scared of anything Taehyung… you seem so confident and fearless.”

You saw the way Taehyung looked at you. His eyes flashed with understanding.

“I did have my fears back then, much like yours.”

“What do you mean?” you had a rough idea on what he meant but you needed him to voice it.

A deep inhale and the words flowed from his lips before he could stop it, “The fear of living. I had been through some stuff you know, growing up. My mum was working a lot and my dad was an alcoholic, he was so fucking possessive and wouldn’t let her go anywhere without kicking off. It was a fucking shitshow and so toxic. This one time though, I’d pretended that I’d gone to school and waited outside the front door. It didn’t take long before I heard shit getting smashed and my dad shouting.” Taehyung was telling the truth only, he left out the part where he was also as possessive, if not more, than his father. Well, let's say… obsessive. “I just ran in the house and saw my dad towering over my mum and I don’t remember what happened but, I do remember my mum crying and my dad disappeared.”

Now Taehyung was lying through his teeth. He remembered clearly, almost like it was yesterday. He smashed the nearest bottle, pulled his mother away from the monster that scared her and stabbed him. Not just once, not twice but thirty-seven times. Hence the thirty seven tattoo on the palm of his right hand (the one he’d actually killed his father with). There was only Taehyung who knew what it meant, he counted every single time the broken glass pierced his father’s body, he counted with a smile on his face and a chuckle in his throat.

You were at a loss for words. Your mouth gaped in shock, eyes wide and your brain scrambled for the right thing to say. You reached over and grabbed his hand, interlacing your fingers. His thumb running back and forth along your hand. “I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like.” There was no way you could relate, your mother and father were happy and in love. They had the ideal relationship, one you wished for yourself. You could empathise though.

“You don’t need to be sorry baby, it’s in the past and I’ve moved on from it. I was like you though, poisoned by the roots that keep you on the ground even though you wanted nothing more than to break free and be no longer.” A silence fell over you both before Taehyung uttered, “I wasn’t successful with my attempt so now I’m here to help you.”

Warmth spread throughout your body, a smile graced your features as you no longer felt alone.

You had a completely different idea to what those words actually meant.

It was nearing the evening when Taehyung’s car had been fixed. Yoongi popped his head in the kitchen to tell him but stopped himself so as to not interrupt the scene before him. You were laughing along to whatever Taehyung was babbling about with your hand resting on his bicep, with that look in your eyes that he hadn’t seen for years. Yoongi felt himself smile as he saw you hanging onto Taehyung's every word.

For the first time in forever, you looked alive.

Yoongi cleared his throat which drew yours and Taehyung’s attention, “Sorry to interrupt guys. We’ve finished with your car so whenever you’re ready we’ll be outside.” The infamous gummy smile overtook his features, you felt yourself beam in return.

“Thanks man! I’ll be like, five minutes.”

Yoongi nodded his head in reply and swiftly left the room.

You’d taken Tae’s hand into yours, playing with the array of rings that occupied his fingers. Solemn thoughts overtook, am I not gonna see him again? Was this, whatever this is, over before it had even begun? Your eyes stayed on his hand as you turned it over and traced your finger over the inked ‘thirty seven’ on his palm. “What does this mean?”

Taehyung didn’t think twice before he practically beamed out, “It’s my lucky number.”

The difference was, it wasn’t really his lucky number… although he did see it that way. It was the number that had stayed with him. It was something he was proud of, whenever he looked at the hand that killed his father, his chest filled with pride and a joyous feeling overtook his senses. It was his first murder. Something he relished in and thus, created the onslaught of Jigsaw killings. He targeted a certain type— those whose sins would lock them up forever if they were ever found out. Racists, murderers, rapists, drug dealers, con-men. Authoritative figures who abused their power. He even went as far as subjecting suicidal people.

You see, things aren’t sequential. Good doesn’t lead to good, nor bad to bad. People who steal, don’t get caught, they live the good life. Others lie, cheat and get elected.

Some people would call it karma but Taehyung, he called it justice.

He’d started this with one thing on his mind— those that don’t appreciate life do not deserve it.

Whenever a serial killer was on the loose, the press did what they always did. They gave them a nickname. While the public had named the doll Billy. The actual killer was named ‘Jigsaw’.

This stemmed from the jigsaw piece that was cut from the victims skin, no one knew why he was doing it or what it even stood for.

It did have a meaning although unknown to the public.

The jigsaw piece that was cut from the subjects was only ever meant to be a symbol that that subject was missing something. A vital piece of the human puzzle. The survival instinct.

After all, until a person is faced with death, it’s impossible to tell whether they have what it takes to survive.

Across town an underground abandoned warehouse, was where the next subject had found themselves.

They were suspended in the air, their feet merely dangling above the ground. The putrid smell of death lingered in every crevice, the sound of rats scurrying along the concrete floor filled their ears just as they began to stir awake.

A pain in their ribs was the overwhelming factor to them finally coming around. When they groggily opened their eyes, they were paralised with fear due to the scene in front of them.

A doll sat a few feet ahead, perched upon a tricycle. Adorned with a black suit and a red bowtie. A slow red light flashed in his eyes.

Billy.

Before the subject could even register how, when or why they found themselves trapped in a test, footsteps echoed behind them. The subject called out, “Help! Please, somebody help! I shouldn’t be here!”

A tsk reached their ears, as a disembodied voice replied, “Trust me, no one can hear you. Scream all you like. You’d just be wasting your breath, you may as well cherish it before it's gone.”

With hairs stood on end, the subject stilled. “What do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you.” The man's footsteps grew louder. “I’m here to serve justice, that’s all.”

The man rounded the subject, settling in their view with only his cloaked back visible while he tended to the little doll. He touched Billy delicately—like he was a little child that he loved dearly. He combed his gloved hand through the doll's black hair and eventually pulled his fingers from the tresses to pat his head gently.

“You fucking psycho! Let me go!”

He couldn’t help but laugh at that which only infuriated the subject more causing them to shake in anger, a movement they soon ceased when they realised something was penetrating their ribs.

“I’d be very careful if I was you, we wouldn’t want you hurting yourself now… would we?” The cloaked figure spun around. An angry glint to his eye.

“What the fuck, you’re fucking crazy. Let me out, this isn’t right!” The subject tried their hardest to swing their legs, to somehow kick the man who’d imprisoned them.

“I think you’ll find it is right. You’re unworthy of the body you possess.” He inched closer, “see, when someone purposely intends to harm others, they lose their right to life.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

The man arched a brow as he replied, “Don’t play dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He felt like it was a game of cat and mouse except, he was a tiger and his subject, was the tiniest prey to mankind. “But, let me remind you! Since you can’t get your thick fucking head to work. You’re a liar, a cheater and an abuser. That ring any bells?”

The subject's face dropped.

“Ah, I see by your expression you know exactly what I’m talking about! Glad to see we’re on the same page.” He shrugged his cloak off placing it to the side of the doll. “I want to play a game.”

“What game? This isn’t a fucking game! You’re sick in the head you fucking cunt!”

The atmosphere shifted, the man remained calm while the subject went ballistic.

“What is this? What fucking game?”

“You feel the machine that’s currently occupying your ribs? Well, in about ten minutes that’s going to rip you apart. I’m proud to say that trap is my baby. I’ve been working on it especially for you! How nice is that?” he reached out to tug at the subject’s legs, tormenting them like a cat would a mouse. “Anyway, as my beautiful angel trap will rip you apart, my darling little friend Billy over here,” the subject followed the direction the man's hand pointed, “is going to match your face with the ugliness of your soul.”

“Fuck, fuck this! How do I stop it? Tell me how I fucking stop it!”

A boxy grin overtook the man's face, laughter poured from his mouth as he leaned over and slapped the subject’s leg. “This is a special game.”

“Who are you? What do you mean by ‘special game’?”

He raised himself so he stood tall and grabbed a knife from his pocket, “I’m the man you call Jigsaw.” He traced the tip of the knife along the subject’s ankle, “and when I say a special game… I mean you can’t get out.” While the subject was screaming in realisation, Taehyung walked back for his cloak, hung it over his shoulder and stalked off back the way he came. He sent one last smile to the subject as he rounded them and within the blink of an eye, he gripped the knife and slashed the subject’s achilles.

A chilling scream pierced the eerie atmosphere, the subject couldn’t string words together. Abundances of anxiety, terror and pure panic took reign of their body. Taehyung grabbed the injured muscles and forced his gloved fingers in as he gripped and twisted them, “That’s for Y/N.”

Taehyung had pressed the timer before he cut the subject’s tendons. He grabbed the tape from his pocket and threw it on the ground and with a chuckle he shouted, “Game over!”

Before he reached the end of the hallway, he heard the gunshots pierce his subjects face followed by the sound of the angel trap, even this far away Taehyung heard every crack of the ribs and the noise of the body being tore apart.

Without looking back, Taehyung rounded the corner and slammed the door shut.

He’d chosen the Angel trap for the irony, the subject that was currently hanging from the ceiling was no angel. They were a fucked up, evil, waste of space. Taehyung had done the world a favour, he’d done you a favour.

That got him thinking, how much blood would you shed in order to stay alive?

[a/n: who do we think was in the trap???👀]

[itzasunflower]

“Don’t stop”

“(y/n), stop suffocating me for a damn minute!” He yelled, looking down at you with an angry expression you have never seen on his face.

“Excuse me...?” You stuttered, heart broken by such words.

Taeyong had been very busy lately. He had been working on his upcoming album for about two months, and could barely respond to your texts during this time. You occasionally sent him messages such as: “i’m proud, be healthy, I love you” or “dummy, eat well or no more blowjob”. He had responded to none of them. But, you knew that he was busy and tired, so you let it pass. Although you felt lonely and missed him the most, you would not talk to him about this. He had much more pressure to carry on his shoulders, and arguing about letting you on seen would have been a waste of time.

For your one year anniversary, you decided to visit him in the studio. You brought sandwiches, his favorite one, and other snacks for the members also. But, apparently, he was not as happy as you were to see him. At this point, you were so embarrassed that the situation happened in front of the engineer sound.

“I said, stop treating me like a freaking child. I can take care of myself alone, I don’t need you here right now.” he said lowly, and turned around to face his workmate. Actually, you had never been that hurt. It completely destroyed you. Your world collapsed. You looked down at your shaky hands, and breathed out heavily. You knew that he was stressed out, just by his eyes you could tell. Thus, you let this pass too. He was not in his normal state of mind.

“Well... I put this here, share it with the members and your workmate. I’ll be home if you need anything.” you said quietly, putting the food bag on a random chair. His co-worker thanked you, and you gave him a smile back. All the way back home, you bit your lip, resisting to the urge of crying. You had been dealing with this alone for too long. One more night alone, one more night thinking if you were good enough, one more night without his night kisses. You were full of anger, sadness and insecurities and fell asleep with these emotions. A few hours later, you woke up, turning your body left to right under you blanket to find the right position. But impossible for you to get back to sleep. You sat, and looked at the emptiness of your room. No snores besides you, no warmth embracing you, no one to talk to. “I am strong, I can get through this, it won’t last long. It’ll be over quicker than you think.” you thought for yourself, eyes closed, focusing deeply on your words. Suddenly, you heard the front door open. “Coming to yell at me again, huh?” You stood up, wearing his long sleeveless top. You opened your door’s bedroom, and was welcomed by the light blinding you.

“It’s late.” you whispered, your husky voice reaching out your boyfriend’s ears. He looked at you, as you were standing at your door-step, not daring to make a step further. You freaked out when you saw him walking towards you, but felt relieved when he took you in his embrace.

��I’m a mess, I’m sorry. Don’t stop suffocating me, you make me better.” he said, putting his chin above your head. He hugged you so tightly, you had difficulties breathing for a whole five secondes. “Forgive me. I’ve left you alone all this time, I’m horrible.” It felt so safe to be his, again. It felt so safe to cross your arms around his waist.

“I am still mad at you about earlier. It hurt me a lot. Don’t let this happen again. Am I clear?” You looked up at him, giving him your frown face. “I feel so lonely, don’t leave me alone.”

“I’m so sorry..” he really was. He kissed you slowly and tenderly, cupping your full cheeks in his hands.

You did not know when this would be over, but you trusted him. You knew he had understood not to make the same mistake again.

(I am so embarassed, the first time I’ve posted this, the letters were so BIG, I’m reposting because I’m an a$$) / it’s my first time posting on tumblr, if you have any request or anything, à problem in my writing let me know ! be safe guys, work hard and rest well <33

[holyfuckthisfishcandrive]

Professors and Shortbread

First, Previous (Chap. 18), Ao3

Word count: 2186

Warnings: smoking, swearing, bones (talked about)

Roman woke up to someone violently shaking him.

"Wake up," Remus hissed. "Wake up, wake up, wake up, asshole!"

"What is it?" Roman grumbled, trying to shake Remus' hand off. "Fuck, Remus, it's like three am! We have school tomorrow, you fucking dick."

"Roman, I just realized something! Stop hitting me, this is important!"

Roman groaned and finally sat up.

"What is so important that you have to wake me up at three am on a school night?"

"It's more like four am, but that's beside the point," Remus waved off. "I just realized that Professor Logic is really fucking stupid."

Roman blinked at him exasperatedly.

"Okay," he said after a moment. "Mind if I go back to sleep now?"

"No, this is important! When I called him Mr Logic he complained, saying that he didn't go to school for years to get called Mister. If that's true that would mean that he's actually a Professor!" Remus whisper yelled.

Roman glanced from one side to the other than back to Remus.

"Yeah?"

"There can't be that many Professors in this city right? Especially not that many young, male, tall ones!"

Finally, it dawned on Roman what Remus was saying.

"So... we can try to find out his civilian identity," he mumbled and a wide grin spread over Remus' face.

"Exactly!"

---

Usually, Roman stuck around after rehearsal for a little while, chatted with the other members of the drama club or helped out with something while Remus goofed around with his friends in the club but on this Wednesday he and Remus grabbed their bags as soon as the bell rung and were the first ones out of the door.

They all but ran out all the way back home, almost getting hit by a taxi and earning a few looks and glares on the way.

The elevator ride was way too long in Roman's opinion.

They dropped their bags in their rooms,  Remus got the list he had created of all Professors whose addresses he could find in the phone book or on the internet and Roman put on his 'good kid' mask to ask Ma for a little money, pretending that it was just for him. She gave him a fifty-dollar bill. The money was for the subway and a quick lunch on the go and Roman was pretty sure that it was way more than they would need but better safe than sorry. He wasn't sure how much fast food would cost.

And just a few minutes after they had come home they were already on their way out again.

Most Professors lived downtown or at least near downtown so they first took a train downtown and went to a small Chinese place for lunch (which was a lot cheaper than Roman had expected).

Remus pulled out a map and they began marking down the addresses to see which route would be the best. Roman doubted they could check out all of them in one day but they would do their best  either way.

33 Professors was a lot for one city but Remus guessed it made sense since apparently here in downtown housing was cheap and the university was very close.

The first name on their list was Professor Jacobs.

They sauntered through the streets, using their map as a guide.

The house they ended up in front of was a trashy apartment building with at least five notes at the doorbell signs saying that the bells didn't work.

Roman pressed the Professors bell and turned to Remus.

"I'll do the talking, okay? Cause if we do find Logic I don't want you blurting out the actual we're here."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. Sorry, I'm honest."

He didn't really mean it, well aware of how many times he had gotten on trouble for blurting out the truth without thinking.

The door buzzed and the pushed it open.

"Who's there?" an old-sounding voice called and as he looked up through the stairs Remus spotted a man that looked like one of those fivehundred-year-old turtles trying to look down.

"We have the pizza you ordered," Roman called back.

"I didn't order any pizza!"

"Are you sure- Oh, my mistake, sir! I misread the name! I'm terribly sorry, have a nice day!" Roman did his typical Prince Charming smile even though the man couldn't see - It was simply part of the performance - and pushed Remus back out of the door. As soon as it fell shut the smile fell again.

"If that was Logic I'm eating Ma's hats," Remus said.

Roman snorted and Remus' grin widened at the real smile on his brother's face. They were too rare.

"Okay, who's next on the list?" Roman said and Remus crossed Professor Jacobs off.

The next door they rang at was opened by a young woman named Professor Jain who looked like the living embodiment of the muddle-headed professor cliche. Roman asked which apartment someone they had seen on the bell sign an L. Williams lived in, claiming they had found their purse and awkwardly thanked her when she didn't know. Remus glanced at the door across from Prof Jain's that clearly said Williams and tried not to laugh out loud.

They visited Professor Davis and Professor Brown, Professor Price and Morgan and Professor Underweather.

Too old, too fat, too much boob, too brown, too short.

It was around seven pm now and they had had seven flukes which somehow was both too much (because why couldn't they just fucking find that asshole? Remus lit a cigarette in frustration) and too little (because how could they only have stopped by seven people so far? It was already getting too late, goddammit).

"Let's do one more and then go home," Roman yawned.

"So whose last for today?" Remus asked glancing at the list Roman was currently holding.

"Some Professor Youngblood. About as weird a name as Underweather. Good news: it's just a block away."

They walked down the street and Remus watched the smoke from his cig curl and fade into the evening sky. A few times he tried to make rings but he still couldn't figure out how to. Maybe that was just a cartoon thing though he could have sworn to have seen it in live-action movies too. Were there YouTube tutorials on this kind of stuff?

"Here it is," Roman said and Remus blinked back to reality.

They stood in front of a simple townhouse. The most notable thing was the flower bouquet visible in one of the windows that looked like something Patton would make.

"Let's give it a shot," Remus said dropped his cig and extinguished it with his shoe.

They walked up the three steps to the front door and Roman rung the doorbell. It was only one with two names. Youngblood and Youngblood-Smith.

Probably a marriage, Remus thought with distaste and prepared himself for some old dick to open up.

The door swung open and to Remus' surprise, it was a teenager probably even younger than them who leaned against the doorframe and glared at them. His eyeliner was sharper and neater than Remus would be able to make it in a thousand years and his lips were painted in a nice shade of dark purple. Maybe Remus should ask him what brand it was. It looked awesome.

"What do you want?" the boy asked with a scowl.

Remus waited for Roman to answer with some kind of excuse or something.

Roman remained silent.

The boy's glare became darker with every passing moment.

At this rate, he probably wouldn't tell Remus what lipstick he was using.

Annoyed Remus glanced over at Roman to see what the fuck was keeping him from saying anything.

The look on Roman's face almost made him gag.

Roman stared at the boy in front of them like he was the most incredible thing in the world. Like he had put the stars in the sky or was made from pure moonlight or some stupid shit like that. He stared at him as he stared into the air when he had some stupid crush or played some lovestruck idiot. He stared like he was going to start waxing poetry at any second now.

Remus doubted he had even heard the boy speak at all.

So he would have to take the situation into his own hands.

"You don't happen to be Professor Youngblood, do you?" Remus asked.

The boy raised an eyebrow.

"Do I look like I'm a fucking Professor? I'm his son, dumbass."

"Is he home?"

"No, not at the moment. What do you want from him?"

The he/him pronouns were a good sign so far and Remus couldn't imagine this guy's dad to be a Doderer. The British accent, on the other hand, wasn't a good sign but Logic could probably cover his accent or something if he really wanted to.

Roman also seemed to finally be back on earth and not on cloud nine.

"We're students of his and we have a question about this homework he gave us," he lied before Remus could say anything.

"You are?" the boy raised his other eyebrow.

"Yes, we are. Do you happen to know if he'll be back soon?"

"Not sure," the boy shrugged. "If it's that important you can come in and wait though. I could also offer you some black tea."

"Really? Yeah, er that would be awe- I mean, that would be nice!" Roman agreed.

"What are your names?" the boy asked as he led them inside. He walked past a door that probably went down to a basement and a staircase up into a small living room.

"I'm Roman," Roman said with a small bow - Jesus fucking Christ was he going fucking insane over this guy?

"And I'm Remus. I'm the good-looking twin, obviously."

The Professor's son chuckled, hiding his mouth behind his hand. "Obviously."

"And what's your name?" Roman sounded like he was asking for a precious gift rather than a fucking name.

"It's Virgil. Do you take milk and sugar in your tea?"

"Milk in tea?" Roman asked confused.

"Yeah, sure!" Remus agreed. Maybe the milk would flake as it did in juice.

Virgil came back with two cups and poured them, giving Roman a little bit of milk anyway, saying that it would be way too strong otherwise and he couldn't allow Roman to drink it pure but somehow Roman didn't complain when Virgil stood over him to pour it in. God, he was being fucking gross and sappy.

Virgil picked up his own cup again and offered them some weird cookies he called shortbread even though they didn't taste like bread at all.

Remus dumped two in his tea - which sadly hadn't flaked - and mushed them around with his spoon.

For a few minutes, it was quiet until Remus got bored with the steady clicking of the clock hanging on the wall behind him.

"So, do you like bones?" he blurted out the first question that came to mind.

Roman looked at him with barely concealed horror but Virgil's dark expression lightened up slightly to both of the twins' surprise.

"I do. It's fun to find them and clean them. I have a few in a cupboard in my room I've found in subways and other places over the years."

"Really?" Remus lit up excitedly. "I collect them too! My favourite is a   near-complete snake skeleton with a rat skull stuck inside!"

"Wow! That sounds so cool!" Virgil didn't quite smile but he wasn't scowling anymore either. "I once found a dog jaw in a quite good conditiion. And I have this really nice possum skull."

"Ooh! Can I see them?" Remus asked bouncing slightly in his seat.

"Sure. Wait here, I'll go get them," Virgil stood up and left the room. Remus could hear him walk upstairs.

"He seems nice," he commented.

"He's beautiful," Roman sighed dreamily.

"Yuck."

"You get to rant about sexy people to me, I get to talk about crushes, that's the deal," Roman reminded him.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine, sure. But don't be too gross about it."

They heard Virgil come back downstairs.

He showed Remus the bones and gave him some tips when Remus asked how he had gotten them so clean.

"Oh, jeez it's almost eight. We should probably get going," Roman said after a while. "Maybe we'll get to talk to the Professor some other time."

Virgil seemed to study his face for a few moments.

"Yeah, maybe," he finally said and accompanied them to the door.

"Can I have your number?" Remus asked  holding out his phone. "Then I can send you some pics of my bones and stuff!"

"Sure," Virgil took it and typed something in. "Maybe we'll get the chance to talk again sometime."

The door closed behind them and Roman swirled around to face Remus.

"You got his number?!"

"Yeah, duh."

"That's not fair! Why did he give you his number and not me!"

"Well, I didn't drool over him," Remus shrugged.

Roman pouted the entire way to the train station.

Next

Taglist:

@patton-cake

[iamartemisday]

The Highest Bidder- a Pepperony fic

A/N: This is my unfortunately late gift for @xxdustnight88 as part of the @womenofmcu‘s Valentine’s Day exchange.

Hope you enjoy!

Pepper had been working as Tony Stark’s personal assistant for nine months, one week, and six days. Here’s what she’d learned:

He drank dark roast coffee with two sugars and one milk.

His favorite band was AC/DC, and she was ninety-nine percent positive he secretly owned the rights to all their music.

He would wear the same pair of jeans multiple days in a row even though he had two closets full of designer clothes.

He preferred blondes with large breasts and long legs, though he’d happily take a brunette to his bed. Very few redheads, though. Not that she cared.

He had no concept of circadian rhythms and didn’t realize he was the only one.

That was how she found herself awake at two in the morning on February 14th, her ill-chosen pop song ringtone cutting holes in her skull with a rusty knife. Tony’s face appeared on her Call ID, grinning like a fool. He was drunk when she took it. Kind of mean, but sometimes, she needed a laugh.

She hit accept. Reminding herself that she made more in a month than most people made in a year, she refrained from cursing him out and settled for a non-committal, “Good morning, Mr. Stark.”

“Club Forty on Eighth Avenue at six.”

“Excuse me?”

“Be at Club Forty on Eighth Avenue at six o’clock tonight. I’ll get Hogan to pick you up. Wear the most expensive outfit you have, and if you don’t have anything that’ll make you look suitably rich, buy whatever you need on my tab. Hogan will give you cash.”

“Wait, Mr. Stark, I don’t understand.” She made the fatal mistake of looking at her glowing blue clock radio. Now her eyes were about to explode. She rubbed them fiercely, struggling to keep them open. “You want me to go to a club?”

“Club Forty. Eighth Avenue. There’s going to be a charity bachelor auction and I need you to buy me.”

“...why?”

“Because if you don’t, Angelica Spooner will.”

“Who’s Angelica Spooner?”

“Some heiress I met at a party a few months ago. I was going to invite her back to my place, but it turns out, she’s kind of completely nuts and obsessed with me. So I must avoid her at all costs.”

“She can’t be that bad.”

“She showed up at my office the next day in a wedding dress.”

Okay, that was pretty bad.

“You know, there should be other women at the auction.” Pepper didn’t actually remember seeing that on Tony’s schedule. Knowing him, he agreed after his seventh daiquiri and failed to remember until yesterday. “There’s no guarantee she’ll win.”

“I’m not taking any chances.” Pepper heard clanking in the background. Sounded like he was elbow deep in a radiator again. “I’m sorry if you had plans-”

She didn’t, and they both knew it. She’d been between relationships since long before Stark Industries was on her radar.

“-but if you do this for me, I will give you anything you want. Extra pay, double vacation days, you name it. Just please, please-”

“Okay, relax. You don’t have to beg.” Not that she didn’t kind of enjoy it. “I’ll buy you at the auction and keep you far away from your bride-to-be.”

She could hear him shudder. “Thank you. I’ll get Hogan to pick you up at five. Unless you need to run some errands first? Get your hair done or something?”

“No, that’s fine.” Pepper ran her fingers through her hair and hit multiple knots. She pushed through and managed to only wince in pain. “I can get myself ready. See you tonight, Mr. Stark.”

“You are a dream, Ms. Potts.”

He hung up and Pepper stared at the phone, watching the time change from 2:32 to 2:33. Now there was a sign-off she’d never heard before. Once, in her first week of work, he told her her eyes sparkled when she laughed and left him mesmerized. She’d taken the compliment as it wasn’t about her ass or her breasts, but assumed it was just him being his usual self. Charming all the girls like a regular Casanova. Knowing she’d never in a million years say yes because that violated so many workplace regulations and just, in general, would be in poor taste.

Never did she think he actually meant it.

Because obviously, his type was elegant, classically beautiful Gwyneth Paltrow type women. Not mousy failed model Pepper Potts.

But the way he called her a dream, in the exact same tone of voice he used to wax poetic about her eyes, almost like he did find her as beautiful as those other girls. Almost like he had a whole different reason to ask her this favor.

Almost like…

Pepper rolled over and fell back asleep. By morning, she should be fully rested and returned to sanity.

**

Her nicest outfit was a midnight blue evening gown she bought herself as a Christmas gift. It was made of a material she didn’t know the name of but felt like wearing a waterfall. The neckline was on the lower end, but still presentable. The skirt molded to her body like a glove, flaring just a bit at the ankles. Pepper had yet to wear it, but the shopkeeper had insisted, in broken but passable English, that she was a dish in it and men would adore her.

Her doorman, a stone-faced man who could catch flies out of midair, swallowed his tongue as scrambled to open the door for her, and Hogan forgot how to speak for a few seconds as he tried his best not to stare at her.

The shopkeeper was right. Good.

She’d showered earlier in the day and given herself a simple updo. Her make-up was neatly applied and her nails cleaned and manicured. It was a quarter after five and there was nothing to do but get to the club with a half hour to spare.

Of course, traffic being what it was, she just barely made it before the clock struck six. Happy opened the door for her and handed her a platinum credit card.

“From Mr. Stark,” he said. “There’s fifty thousand on there. Should be more than enough to win the auction. Don’t worry, it’s in his name.”

“Thanks, Happy,” she said as the bouncer removed the velvet rope to allow her entry.

She checked her coat and entered the party. It was a swanky event devoid of the usual drunks grinding against each other to pounding dubstep beats. Instead, a pianist played a jazzy tune while men and women in their black-tie best sipped wine and talked about how great being rich was. Pepper recognized a few of them as Tony’s business partners. They greeted her warmly and she responded in kind. Nobody was looking to make conversation, so she found an empty seat near the stage without much trouble.

A man was at the podium organizing his notes. He was short and nearly bald with wire-rim glasses. When he coughed into the microphone, the feedback made Pepper’s ears ring.

“Attention everyone. The auction will begin in five minutes. Please retrieve a paddle from the front desk if you haven’t already.”

Pepper’s paddle was flat in her lap, made from polished cedar wood and lined with gold. Unnecessarily ornate to the highest degree, but all she could’ve expected from the one percent of the one percent.

More people were filing into the dining room now. So many new voices, it was impossible to pick out more than one or two at a time. She distinctly heard a husband and wife arguing over the former’s fixation on their twenty-something babysitter and a waiter rushing through the crowd with a drink in hand.

“Your margarita, Miss Spooner.”

Pepper turned all the way around in her seat. The waiter, grinning foolishly, handed the drink to a woman in a black sequin cocktail dress. She was blonde, leggy, and had boobs bigger than her head. Definitely Angelica.

Despite her objectively pretty face and clear skin, Pepper couldn’t say what made her especially attractive. She stared at the woman as long as she could without being noticed, and there wasn’t a single distinguishing feature to be found. Maybe it was just the distance.

A bell was rung, signaling the start of the night’s main event. The balding man had fixed the microphone and now spoke without causing physical or emotional damage.

“Thank you, everyone, for coming. We’d like to first take the opportunity to wish you all a happy Valentine’s Day. We hope tonight will be a night to remember.”

Some polite applause and then the balding man continued.

“We will begin with our charity bachelor auction. First up, we have Mr. Thomas Holloway, CFO, and co-founder of Datson-Holloway Incorporated. May I start the bidding at five thousand dollars?”

Pepper watched silently as each consecutive bachelor took the stage. She had no idea what Tony’s place in line was or where he was sitting. Most of the men came out from behind a curtain, so it was possible he was back there having as many drinks as he needed to stand before the crowd like a piece of meat and hopefully not go home with someone who probably had his name carved into her arm. Not once did she raise her paddle, earning a few inquisitive looks from the women around her.

“I’m waiting for someone,” she whispered when the stares wouldn’t stop.

Mr. Blake Matthews of Hammertech sold for a cool forty thousand. Then the room hitched a collective breath as the man of the hour appeared.

“Last, but certainly not least,” said the balding man, “Mr. Tony Stark needs no introduction. Let’s start the bidding off at-”

Every paddle was in the air. So was Angelica Spooner.

“Twenty thousand!”

A few paddles went down, but most were furiously waved. Tony’s eyes locked on Pepper, his smile turning horribly fake as a silently pleaded with her. This brought her back to the reason she was here and she rose to her feet.

“I bid twenty-five thousand,” she said.

Angelica Spooner looked like she wanted leap across the room and tear Pepper apart like a rabid cheetah.

“Thirty thousand,” she cried instead.

“Thirty thousand!” The balding man clapped his hands together. “Very good. Do I hear thirty-five thousand? Thirty-five thousand, anyone?”

“Thirty-five thousand,” a random woman in the audience yelled.

“Forty thousand,” said Angelica.

“Forty-five thousand!”

This was actually getting pretty exciting. Even Tony seemed to be enjoying himself. He flashed Pepper a thumbs up, emboldening her to put an end to this once and for all. The credit card burned through her dress into her skin. Fifty thousand dollars. Even the biggest spenders wouldn’t dare go that far all for one measly dinner date. Indeed, more than three-quarters of the paddles were down and what remained were only half as high as they had been.

Pepper didn’t dare look at Angelica, no matter how weirdly tempted she was to give the woman a smirk.

“Fif-”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars!”

A wave of gasps as Angelica pranced on stage and clung to Tony’s arm, so assured of her victory now that her insane bid was on the table. She whispered something in Tony’s ear. He turned snow white and couldn’t bother to fake smile anymore. Now, he just looked sick.

“Well, we have a real battle royale here tonight,” the balding man cheered. “All right, seventy-five thousand. Do I hear eighty thousand?”

Crickets. Pepper couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. It didn’t matter in the slightest because Tony was her boss and a flirt and about as far from serious boyfriend-husband material one could get outside of convicted felons. Him going on a date with this woman meant nothing to her aside from the legal ramifications if she was as bad as Tony claimed. Otherwise, it was nothing she had any involvement in. Nothing she cared about.

He was just her boss.

But Angelica’s hands on his arm and her lips in his ear…

“No? All right.” The balding man prepared his gavel. “That’s seventy-five thousand dollars going once… going twice… s-”

“ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND!”

It didn’t sound like Pepper’s voice. If she hadn’t felt the vibrations in her throat, she wouldn’t have known it was her at all. Angelica’s eyes bugged out. Tony looked like he’d just seen Jesus. The balding man sputtered and nearly dropped his gavel.

“Wha- you- you can’t-” Pepper kind of liked how presumptuous Angelica had been in going on stage. In the proper lighting, it was now perfectly clear how unpretty she really was.

“That’s it,” a male voice snapped from the audience. Then a middle-aged man stood up. “Angelica, get down here. It’s over.”

“But daddy,” she whined, “you said-”

“I said no more than seventy thousand. No more. Now move. We’re going home.”

It took a few more seconds of pouting and clutching Tony’s arm with her tentacles, but finally, she uncurled herself and stomped off stage, muttering obscenities to herself.

The crowd was silent as father and daughter left the room. He could still be heard yelling at her for embarrassing him even as the balding man cleared his throat and brought the event back to order.

“All right. That was… well, I think it’s safe to say we have a winner! Sold to Virginia Potts for one hundred thousand dollars. Thank you so much, Ms. Potts.”

Pepper waved awkwardly as those daring enough to applaud whistled and whooped for her. She stepped towards the stage where Tony was shaking hands with the balding man. They left after Pepper handed over the card and signed a few papers promising to clean out her bank account to pay for a dinner with her boss. The whole process made her head spin and her stomach churn, even after Tony took the organizers aside and most likely arranged to cover the payment himself.

“Hell of a show there, Potts,” he said while they waited for Hogan to bring the car around.

“Tony, I’m so sorry,” she said, clutching her dress and leaving behind unsightly wrinkles. “I know I was only supposed to bid fifty thousand. I didn’t mean to let it get so out of hand.”

“What are you talking about? You did exactly what I told you to.”

“But you gave me fifty thousand and I ended up bidding twice that.”

“So? I have twelve more cards just like it. Even if I didn’t, I’d give every cent I have and most of my major organs not to go home with Alex Forrest over there.”

“That reminds me,” Pepper looked around but thankfully didn’t see Angelica anywhere. “What was she saying to you?”

Tony shivered as beads of sweat dripped down his face. “Let’s just say I’m really glad I don’t believe in love spells. And that I didn’t drink the wine.”

“Okay then,” Pepper took him by the arm without thinking. “Let’s get a move on.”

“Yes indeed,” Tony took a breath to calm himself down. “How does Monica’s sound to you. Or maybe the Dancing Goose?”

“What’s the Dancing Goose?”

“This little hole in the wall I found one night while bar hopping in college,” Tony said. “It’s a lot ritzier than it sounds and they make amazing crepes. I think it’s a great date location.”

“Are you saying we should actually go on a date?”

Tony shrugged. “I mean, you did spend one hundred thousand dollars on me. Just because I’m paying it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get my money’s worth.”

Pepper tried not to laugh. She really did. “You know there are a few big reasons why you and I can’t date. Reasons which I have listed to you several times already.”

“Yeah, I was thinking we could skip that part and just go for the crepes.” Tony tried to look endearing and innocent with his puppy dog eyes. If Pepper was a giggling fangirl, it would’ve worked like a charm. When she didn’t break, he sighed. “Okay, tell you what, we go for a friendly dinner and talk about work and other boring stuff. So instead of being a couple, we’re just two co-workers chatting over a candlelit dinner on Valentine’s Day. Sound good?”

Part of Pepper wanted to say no, and not at all for the right reasons. “I suppose an impromptu work meeting in a public place followed by returning to our seperate homes at a reasonable hour would be all right.”

Tony slumped a little. “You sound like my junior prom date’s dad.”

“Or I could just go home.”

“No, no, friendly work not-date is fine. I can live with that.”

Happy arrived with the car and honked the horn. He didn’t say a word as they got in the backseat, which Pepper made a note to give him a good tip for. She sat several inches from Tony, nodding along as he sung the Dancing Goose’s praises, interspersed with directions on how to get there for Happy. As they pulled out, Pepper caught sight of Angelica out the rearview mirror. As she stormed down the steps with her father, her heel snapped on the bottom step, sending her plummetting forward. She landed face first in a puddle from the morning’s rainfall, ruining her hair and dress.

Pepper was not someone who took pleasure in other people’s suffering, she really wasn’t, but she couldn’t help the warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach as Angelica struggled to stand with tears running down her face. Nor could she stop herself from ‘accidentally’ laying her hand on Tony’s forearm and squeezing.

[otdderamin]

Transcript: Fjord's inner fears – TM for CR C2 Ep61

This is the longest Talks Machina transcript I’ve put together (it’s 14 pages), and it’s only half the good stuff: Beau’s answers were also excellent. This is the absolute best of what Talks can be: Travis spilled absolutely everything about the subtext of Fjord and what’s been going on in his mind as he panics. All the things we’ve been speculating about are laid bare. This is the subtext to everything going on in Ep61 and Ep62.

Scenes run:

1. How stressed was Fjord losing his powers?  0:26:34 to 0:13:07

2. Fjord is scared of losing both his friends and connection to Vandran 0:16:56 to 0:20:10

3. Maybe we’ve misjudged Uk’otoa 0:23:29 to 0:24:41

4. Fjord didn’t want to see Wursh, it was an excuse for a crisis walkabout 0:24:41 to 0:26:59

5. Fjords powers are defining who he is 0:33:40 to 0:34:23

6. Everyone needs to pull their weight or they’re out 0:35:16 to 0:38:52

7. Fjord’s fallen in love with this version of himself 0:42:31 to 0:44:42

8. Uk’otoa is a connection to Vandran and now 0:46:55 to 0:48:34

9. Fjord doesn’t care about Avantika 0:52:09 to 0:52:55

10. Home is a big-ass maybe 0:54:30 to 0:58:10

1. How stressed was Fjord losing his powers?

0:10:06 Brian: “Travis, Vega_The_Fool wants to know, ‘On a scale of one to being dumped in a room alone with a blue dragon, how stressful was it for Fjord to wake up and find he’s been depowered? On the same scale, how stressful was it for Travis Willingham to realize Fjord had been depowered?'”

0:10:25 Travis, passionately: “Yeah, look, they’re one in the same, bitches! Okay? It was a ten! A fucking ten! A ten! It was terrible. It was awful. In the moment I was looking at Matt like, ‘What are you…?’ I just- I thought maybe I was just getting, like, I don’t know, nerfed or something, but to conjure nothing… I’m a guy with a sword. I’m a guy with a sword…”

Marisha: “I’m convinced there’s a 20-minute time period after that happened to you that you didn’t hear a word said at the table.”

Brian: “Yeah, you might have to watch that back.”

Travis, shaking his head: “Nope. Nope.”

Marisha: “I could tell just…” she mimics stressfully changing positions.

Brian: “That blankness, yeah.”

Travis: “Uh-huh. I’m pretty sure I was movie breathing, too.”

Marisha: “Yeah.”

Travis: “Like,” he breathes loudly and heavily. “During the endgame Laura tapped me and she was like, ‘Stop fucking breaking so loud.'”

Brian: “Yeah yeah yeah.”

Travis: “Something I do. Big ass no.”

Brian: “I almost broke Ashley’s hand. I was holding her hand and five minutes into the movie I was squeezing it so hard she, like, peeled her fingers off and was like, ‘Can you chill for a sec?’ And I realized it was because she had a Milk Dud stuck in there that I really wanted. Were you going to say, Travis?”

0:11:29 Travis: “I was gonna say, blue dragon was like, ‘Oh god, I might die. thank god people are coming.’ But the… Not having any powers and Travis having a character that has no powers, yeah, not good! It’s no good.”

Brian: “I have been in haunted house situations with you before, I’ve been in scary situations with you before, and I know when you sound terrified. And I was sitting there on my laptop watching the show, and when you ran out in the street and were like, ‘Oh fuck, oh fuck,’ I was like, ‘Oh no, oh no, oh no!’ It’s cool. It’s cool. I like it. I like it when you’re going off a little bit.”

0:12:03 Travis: “It’s okay. I’m sure because, because, thanks to CritRoleStats, it’s only been 35 days since, you know, since the last eye was placed that I have another 35 days before my next warning.”

Brian: “No, you don’t know that’s the case.”

Travis: “Yes. That is exactly what they said.”

Dani: “Really it’s been like 5 days since your last warning.”

Marisha: “It’s like a 90-day default period.”

Travis: “There’s a verbal warning, and then there’s a shot across the bow, okay? That was a shot. That was a physical…”

Dani: “So do you think they’re just going to escalate, or do you think he’s going to go back to verbal warnings?”

Travis: “Look, I’m sure there’s like, there’s gonna be a flier that comes in the mailbox that’ll be like, ‘You have 90 days to reply to this. Your interest is…'”

Brian: “Yes. It’s going to be so gentle.”

Travis: “You’ll be sent to collections if you don’t reply.”

Brian: “It’s going to have a big thing on the front that says,” Uk’otoa voice, “‘Reply.'”

Travis, laughing: “Open it up and it’s just one word.”

Dani, quietly under Travis: “Uk’otoa I feel is actually the IRS.”

Brian: “Say it one more time, Dani.”

Dani: “Uk’otoa is exactly the IRS. Never trust a phone call. They only send letters.”

Travis: “That’s why they sealed him away.”

Brian: “More like the IRIS.”

Marisha, after a pause: “Oh, iris, I get it. With it. Hip.”

Dani: “Oh no.”

Brian: “Okay, because it’s an eye and an eye has a-“

0:13:07

2. Fjord is scared of losing both his friends and connection to Vandran

0:16:56 Brian: “Travis, CalicoJill, ‘Fjord’s fear of losing his powers is palpable, where does that fear lie? Is he worried he couldn’t travel with his friends if he couldn’t hold his own or that he’d lose his last tangible connection to Vandran?'”

Travis: “God, these fans and their fucking good questions.”

Marisha: “I know, man.”

0:17:21Travis: “Yes. Both. I mean, yeah, he is temporarily satiated by the fact that Vandran seemed to be okay in Caduceus’ vision, or that he is well and trying to atone for past mistakes. I’d still really like to see the guy that, you know, treated him decent for the first time in his fucking life. Just say, ‘Hey, what the hell happened? Glad you’re okay. I’m okay if you were wondering?”

Dani, mournfully: “Oh-hoho.”

0:17:52 Travis: “Well yeah, you know. And then two, yeah, y’all- we’re some fucking dragon killing, like, badass 9th level motherfuckers. I’m not if I don’t have my shit! Right? If I just have a sword, I’m a half-orc with a strength of 11. I’m like a +1 with a sharp thing. It sucks! Yeah, nuh-uh.”

Brian: “Do you regret picking your class?”

0:18:21 Travis, animated: “I regret all of it! It’s all regerts all day every day! I just want out! Trade with me! Do it right now, shake on it. Let’s [exercise this demon]. Do it!”

Brian: “I just want out! Trade with me!”

Marisha: “No! I’d rather be a basic bitch than deal with some sort of demon.”

Travis, pleading: “Please. Look, look I could do it, watch!” He double punches the air. “Pap pap!

Dani: “Trade that!?”

Marisha: “No!

Travis, double punching the air again: “See: pap pap! Flurry of blows!”

Marisha: “Yeah, isn’t that great.

Dani: “Did you say, ‘Pap pap?'”

Travis, undercutting the air twice: “Stunning strike! Ba bap!”

Marisha: “You see that has nothing beholden to my fists.”

Travis, quietly stress and defeated: “Shit.”

Brian: “Nah dude.”

0:18:49 Marisha: “I felt really bad because as soon as the cameras went off, and I could see Travis’s like freaking out and I’m like the worst friend ’cause my first response was, ‘This is why I’ve never fucked with warlocks.”

Dani: “Yeah.”

Travis, laughing: “That happened!”

Brian: “Wow. Wow.”

Marisha: “And I was like,” she looks at him. “And he was just like,” she braces herself with both hands on the coffee table and slowly looks back at him in disbelief.

Travis, slapping his leg laughing: “That was what you said! I looked over at Taliesin for some guidance, like, bro, like, I mean, we kicked Orthax out of your body and then killed it. I got no Orthax, I got nothing to kill, I got no nothing.”

Brian: “I have no fire.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Yeah. Hey Korben my man.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Yeah, yeah no it’s panic around here.”

Brian: “I love that that was your reaction. Like, yeah.”

Travis: “Yes, yeah.”

Marisha: “Your choice, eh.” She throws up her hands.

0:19:32 Travis: “He cannot hang. He cannot hang. He would die real quick. If middle of the day, not like after a rest, I don’t know if the wisdom check the night before had anything to do with it. If it’s just like we’re getting ready to ambush some people and all of a sudden, like, my sword just falls out of the air at my feet right as we’re getting ready to go? I’m’a sit my ass right where we are and wish everyone good fortune.”

Dani: “Good fjortune?”

Travis: “Good fjortune? Oh, good- oh fjork you, Dani.”

Dani cackles.

Brian: “Oh boy. Oh boy.”

Travis: “Need my powers, man.”

0:20:10

3. Maybe we’ve misjudged Uk’otoa

0:23:29 Travis: “Listen, maybe we’re being too judgmental of poor, misunderstood Uk’otoa, right?”

Brian: “Okay, that line of thinking is bound to get you in a world of shit.”

Travis: “Maybe we just go, and we drop that third sphere, we let the little, the little snake guy out of his cage he just…” He makes a slithering motion.

Brian: “No. You’ve seen Prometheus.”

Travis: “No. Nobody saw that.”

Dani: “I was about to say, I was like, ‘Did you?'”

Brian: “Steve, you saw Prometheus?”

Steve: “Yeah, yeah.”

Brian: “You yeah, yeah?”

Marisha: “If you, like, suck another eyeball inside of you, and we kill him, though, do you get to keep his powers?”

0:24:01 Travis, stress laughing: “I don’t know! I didn’t read the contract! There wasn’t one!”

Dani: “I have a question.”

Travis: “Yeah?”

Dani: “Was there a contract? Or did you just wake up and you suddenly fucking had powers.”

Brian: “I think there was some nasty shit in this.”

0:24:13 Travis: “It was the latter as far as I know.”

Brian: “You woke up?”

Dani: “So you just don’t- so you also- so it’s like what y’all were talking about with those memory loss- memory-“

0:24:22 Travis: “Yeah, I was drowning. and it hurt like a motherfucker, and the next thing I knew I was awake on a shore and there’s a sword just washing up in the waves.”

Brian: “Should have had gills, man. Should have had gills like that Sea Quest character. You would be fine. This one’s for Travis.”

Marisha and Travis, laughing: “Sea Quest?”

Brian: “Here comes Lockey to remind us.”

4. Fjord didn’t want to see Wursh, it was an excuse for a crisis walkabout

0:24:41 Brian: Micawindow, Fjord seemed anxious to leave the herbalist’s and talk to Wursh. If he hadn’t learned his powers returned when he created a minor illusion, would the conversation with Wursh have gone differently?”

0:24:59 Travis: “Uh yeah. I only went to talk to Wursh ’cause fucking Yasha wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Brian: “It’s true. Yeah.”

Travis: “I was trying to fucking-

Marisha: “Wait, what, really?”

0:25:09 Travis: “Yeah! I don’t give a fuck about Wursh! I was trying to amscray!”

Brian: “You forgot about Wursh. Forgot about Wursh.”

0:25:14 Travis: “No, I was gonna ask- Yasha was like, ‘I’m gonna follow Fjord.’ And I’m like, ‘Fuck!’ ‘I’m going to talk to Wursh right now. That is my only intention.'”

Marisha, laughing: “You were trying to have a crisis walkabout and…”

0:25:28 Travis: “Yeah! That’s why I was getting so impatient! Shit is going down, alright!? The clock is ticking! I don’t need to share it with you guys! I can resolve it, but I need to do it on my own time, my own terms!”

Dani: “Ooo. That is not a healthy way of thinking, Fjord.”

Travis: “Did you, are you saying that to Fjord, right? Travis is a very responsible person and a good friend.”

Marisha: “I was about to…”

Brian: “What?”

Marisha: “Nothing”

[They gently browbeat Marisha into talking.]

Marisha: “Just didn’t know if we were talking to Travis of Fjord.”

Brian: “I know, he’s got more accents than Liam’s character has names.”

0:26:26 Travis: “Well, and listen, half of it was I was asking about what was in the town because as we walk through, we’ve just kind of been moving to one place and the other, not really taking inventory of what’s around. I don’t know if there were temples or other things that maybe I could pop in and go like, ‘Hey, do you guys know anything about a giant snake dude called Uk’otoa?'”

Marisha: “Can I get a B12 shot?”

Travis, laughing: “Yeah, seriously!”

Marisha: “Just real quick.”

Brian: “Is this the tent where they’re doing the B12?”

Travis: “Do you ever reckon that wellness shot? Can we get some…”

Marisha: “Universal healthcare, right?”

Travis: “Yep.”

0:26:59

5. Fjords powers are defining who he is

0:33:40 Travis: “I mean, okay, I can say that Fjord’s not an open- like, just a straight-up open book. He’s… yeah. All these powers, when he has them, are defining who he is, right. It was really not anything close to that before. So yeah, he keeps it super close to the chest. Plus, people look to him in a… looked to him in a leadership role for a while. That’s new to him, too. So, he thinks that, probably from his experiences with Vandran, that, like, stoic, quiet, calm leaders that don’t show, you know, that don’t blush in the face of adversity are how it’s supposed to be. Not knowing that you can do it however the fuck you want to. there’s no right way to lead.”

0:34:23

6. Everyone needs to pull their weight or they’re out

0:35:16 Brian: “Travis, Dikemon asks, I’m going to skip some of this, ‘How much of his abilities does Fjord tie into his identity? Is he scares that the Nein might think less of him if he becomes powerless?'”

[Full question: Travis: We’ve seen Fjord grow more confident as his powers grew. 61 episodes in and those powers are threatened to be taken away. ‘How much of his abilities does Fjord tie into his identity? Is he scares that the Nein might think less of him if he becomes powerless?]

0:35:26 Travis: “The guy shouts ‘Eldritch Blast’ when he doesn’t have to. Yeah, it’s, uh, yes. I see the bottom half of the question. Yeah, they’ll think less of him. Who wouldn’t, right? Everybody needs to be able to- No, Dani, they would! You’ve gotta pull your own weight in this group. If you are the weak link, they’re gonna hold auditions for The Mighty Eight.”

Brian: “The Might Eight?”

Travis: “Yeah. That’s what’s happening.”

Marisha, looking confused and concerned: “No, we wouldn’t, though. You know that.”

Travis: “No. Nope.”

Marisha: “You know that, but Fjord doesn’t know that.”

Brian: “I don’t know. No, Fjord doesn’t know that.”

Travis: “Don’t know. Caleb is… I mean, listen, I think Caleb evaluates all the group members, and because they can each contribute something to keeping each other safe, then it’s a zero-sum game that everybody can, you know, they can take care of each other. If one person is going, ‘I’ve got a sword over here if any of you need it,’ like a fucking ball boy,” he slightly shakes his head.

Marisha: “Well, look, you could have been our Caddy Shack for a few episodes, and we would have gone and got your powers back. We just quest for powers.”

0:36:37 Travis: “How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you think you do that?”

Marisha: “We…”

Travis: “Where is Uk’otoa to you?”

Marisha: “We toss you in some salt water.”

Travis: “Uh-huh.” His body language says, “I don’t know.”

Marisha: “Let you get a little…”

Travis: “Briny?”

Marisha: “Uh-huh.”

Travis: “Uh-huh.”

Marisha: “See what happens, go from there.”

Travis: “How long do we wait while I’m in the ocean before you realize it’s not doing shit?”

Marisha: “Mm, you know…”

Travis: “A fortnight?”

Marisha: “Not beyond the threshold of a Revivify.”

Laughter.

Travis: “Oh god!”

Brian: “Oh wow.”

Travis: “You’re trying to reset the hard drive? Like, you’re just going to- okay. Okay cool.”

Brian: “You’re thinking just like… You’re thinking reformat disk. Reformat disk.”

Dani: “Turn him off and tuning him back on!”

Travis: “Yeah, you’re turning the computer off and holding the power button down factory settings.”

Marisha: “Fuck you guys. He’s blue screened.”

Brian: “Disk utility. Yikes.”

Dani: “Aw, think how much Beau loves Fjord that she would be willing to factory reset him.”

Travis: “Wow.”

Dani: “Aw, I think it’s sweet.”

Travis: “Wow, that is some…”

Dani: “We’re just going to throw you in the water, buddy.”

Brian: “I can’t wait.”

Marisha: “Look, this was a 60-second plan. This has had no R&D. Okay? I’m not saying we go with our first draft. We think about it. I was just tossing it out.”

Brian: “Campaign 2: now with more Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind.”

0:37:51 Travis: “Yeah. this is what I was doing in the game in the moments where my head was exploding. Like, none of us in the group have any idea how to approach or solve that problem. Nobody.”

Brian: “Yeah. Nobody.”

Marisha: “I mean, we’re going to have to figure it out though.”

Dani: “Only if he tells y’all! Fjord.”

Travis: “I’ll take care of it. It’ll be fine. I’ll take care of it.”

Marisha: “You know when your- you know when your check engine light goes on?”

Brian: “Ew. I don’t think that one bit.”

Dani: “That’s weird.”

Marisha: “Start counting down the days. My check engine light has been on for nine days, you guy.”

Travis: “Yeah, I’ll get it, it’s fine. And then you take it into the shop they’re like, ‘How long’s this been on?”

Marisha: “Uh… a few days.”

Travis: “November?”

Marisha: “Pop the hood, I don’t smell burning, we’re good. We’re good.”

Travis: “Right.”

Dani: “The freakiest days are the ones where the check engine light turns off. And then you’re like, ‘Eh, that’s weird. That’s worse.'”

Marisha: “Yeah. Those are the days I say someone’s looking out for you.”

Brian: “It gave up. The check engine light gives up, that car’s going to explode.”

Travis: “Yep.”

Brian: “Speaking from experience.”

0:38:52

7. Fjord’s fallen in love with this version of himself

0:42:31 Brian: “The only person that could save us now is Skidrule316. ‘Travis, what is Fjord’s apprehension about telling his friends about his dreams and the consequences of ignoring his patron?'”

0:42:46 Travis: “I mean… I think Fjord has fallen in love a little bit with the idea of who this new version of himself is. And being vulnerable and telling people what your biggest fear is and admitting all the ways that you suck, in addition to all the new reasons that you reallysuck, it’s like one step too far. Plus, I mean, he gave it a day, right? He didn’t just up and fucking run out in the middle of the night, although I was on the razor’s edge of just tearing off into the darkness. I don’t know. I didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen. So, conjuring that bird was a real good sign. But he’s motivated to fix it. What was the back half of that question, the back part?”

Brian: “It was about, ‘Fjord’s apprehension about telling his friends about his dreams and the consequences of ignoring his patron.’

Travis: “Oh, the patron, yeah. I mean, that I have no- I don’t have any idea about. I was looking for a temple. I don’t know if anyone would have any idea of what Uk’otoa is, or if they know how to break whatever agreement this thing is, if it is an agreement. I don’t even remember it happening, so I don’t know if he is…”

Brian: “What happens if the agreement is broken though, dude?”

Travis: “I don’t know. I mean…”

Brian: “We don’t know that that’s good.”

Travis: “No, we don’t.”

Brian: “But we don’t know that you’re good, but now I’m thinking you might turn good because this one’s evil.”

Travis: “No, yeah. I mean, from the day that happened until now, everything has been different and awesome because I can shoot shit out of my hands, and jump between planes, and change the way I look, and all of that. If you told me I’m just going back to being who I was before…”

Marisha: “Normal?”

Travis: “Yeah. That’s not awesome. It’s not great.”

Marisha: “Yeah. Yeah, that would suck.”

Travis: “Yeah. He still has work to do, too.”

Brian: “Normal sucks. Right, Max?”

Max: “Yep.”

Laughter

0:44:42

8. Uk’otoa is a connection to Vandran and now

0:46:55 Brian: “Let’s see, Travis, let’s see if you- let’s see what you can answer of this question from GracelessKnight. ‘Fjord’s accent dropped during his nervous breakdown outside. Is there a significant attachment of his accent with his pact with Uk’otoa? Is it heightened knowing that Vandran was also a chosen? If so, how’s he coping with those connection momentarily lost?'”

Travis: “I don’t know anything about an accent drop.”

Dani: “I fucking knew that’s what you were gonna fucking say! Goddamn it!”

Brian: “I told you. I told you he was gonna say it. I told you, but we decided to leave this question in anyway.”

0:47:30 Travis: “Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely heightened with Vandran also being a chosen. I mean, we think. We think, right? I mean, from everything that Avantika said about Vandran, it sounded like he brought her into it. I don’t know if he was a chosen or if he was brought into it the same way he brought her in; I don’t know. But yeah, that’s a huge connection to his past life and now. I mean how the hell is he even supposed to address finding him if he doesn’t have the abilities or the thing that is the link to the last moment that he saw him in? I mean, we’re on the other side of the fucking map. We’re not even on the map, anymore.”

Dani: “That’s true.”

Travis: “We are upper north east adjacent. We are out of bounds. For the moment.”

Brian: “Yeah, out of bounds. Return to gameplay please.”

Travis: “Yeah, he is far from home, yeah.”

Brian: “Return to the combat zone, please.”

Marisha: “Yeah. Sixty seconds.”

Dani: “Aw, just like Spider-Man. He’s far from home.”

Travis: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Brian: “Oh, Dani, oh…”

Travis: “Spoilers.”

Dani: “That’s the name of the movie!”

Travis: “I’m not sure.”

Brian: “Yeah, but some of us…”

0:48:34

9. Fjord doesn’t care about Avantika

0:52:09 Brian: “Yettinim wants to know, ‘How does Fjord feel about Beau wearing one of Avantika’s coats?'”

Travis, singing: ♪ Get it girl. Get it get it girl. Get it girl. Get it get it girl. ♪

Marisha, dancing: “I’m fly.”

Travis: “I mean, sorry. He doesn’t care. Nah.”

Brian: “Doesn’t care.”

Travis, shrugging: “Nah.”

Dani: “Hit it and quit it, man.”

Brain: ‘Yeah, it wasn’t the coat.”

Marisha: “It’s mine now, bitch!”

Travis: “Keep your enemies close.”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Marisha: “It looks good, too.”

Brian: “It wasn’t the coat he had a wonderful evening with.”

Travis: “That’s right, yeah.”

Dani: “I mean it might have been. What?”

Marisha: “It’s fur lined now, fits real nice, shows off my figure.”

0:52:45 Travis: “Yeah, both Fjord and Travis don’t put a lot of stock in new clothes.”

Brian: “Yeah, we can tell there.”

Dani: “He’s probably like, ‘Oh, is that Avantika’s coat?'”

Travis: “I bought this in 2004, so…”

Brian: “You did?

Travis: “Yeah.”

Brian: “Yeah yeah yeah.”

0:52:55

10. Home is a big-ass maybe

0:54:30 Brian: “Lalalyssh wants to know, ‘Fjord grew up an orphan and Beau was ostracized from her family. How do these characters feel now that they have been offered a home to share with their found family?’ So, you guys have this home now. You know, it’s not a house, as you said earlier. You corrected me.”

Travis: “A dwelling? A homestead?”

Brian: “You have a dwelling.”

0:54:49 Travis: “I don’t know. I- He- I feel… I feel good about it. As long as things stay the way they are he’s pretty comfortable with this new life and family. But shit changes sometimes.” He stares at Marisha helplessly.

Marisha, growing more concerned: “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah?”

Travis: “Not in a bad way, I mean, I’m just speaking in a reference to my warlock abilities.”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Brian: “How does Beau feel- Wait, you seem so suspicious all the sudden.”

Marisha: “Uhh…” She nudges her head at Travis.

0:55:24 Brian: “A lot’s going on up there, isn’t it?”

[…]

0:57:08 Travis: “Yeah. I mean, genuinely Fjord is all about moving in solidifying things, embracing this new life. There is a big-ass maybe just floating out there though, now. Like, all of a sudden one morning nothing was like it was the night before, so I don’t know what that means.”

Marisha: “Well, and it feels like you also had your found family before with Vandran.”

0:57:31 Travis: “Yeah, and that shit ripped away.”

Marisha: “And that shit got ripped away.”

0:57:34 Travis: “Yeah, totally. This is the third version of himself.”

Marisha: “So, right. I can understand that through line of, well, you have this by blood, and theoretically they’re not supposed to be able to be like ‘nah’ to you. Theoretically.”

Dani: “Theoretically.”

Brian: “Theoretically. Yeah.”

Marisha: “I don’t know.”

Travis, wincing: “Yeah. Yeah. Oh god.”

Dani: “There’s just so much good character work.”

Travis: “I’m sure Mercer will take it away. It’ll be fine.”

Brian: “There’s a lot of deep character work going on. I like it. I want more.”

Travis: “I’ll be fine.”

Dani: “It’s all so tasty. Omnomnom.”

0:58:10

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[futureparent]

Prompts

Some of these are original, some are from things I’ve seen in life. Feel free to use and repost!

These are in no particular order just how I came up with them and wrote them down.

Some of these contain swears

There are 167 of these just be warned. Sorry not sorry. Ignore the weird spacing, my computer is being weird.

1)     “I don’t exactly hate you but if you were on fire and I had a cup of water, I would drink it”

2)     (in response to getting injured) “You wound me. Literally. You just actually wounded me”

3)     “Oops?”

4)     “Shock me - say something intelligent”

5)     “I think you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck”

6)     “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings, but I thought you already knew you were stupid”

7)     “What is this? Let’s get away with murder club”

8)     “Fight me!”

9)     “Isn’t your arm broken?” “Possibly”

10)  “Want to see what kind of trouble we can get into?”

11)  “It’s a Tuesday, I know how to restrain myself”

12)  “Are you clinically insane or just incredibly annoying?”

13)  “I feel like I got hit by a car”

14)  “So, why did I have to punch that guy?”

15)  “I hope you know my name is actually ...”

16)  “So, what if I broke my arm, I’m still doing it”

17)  “Ignore him, he’s just lonely”

18)  “I’m not cute and adorable, I’m terrifying and ferocious”

19)  “I warned you, I’m an asshole”

20)  “I am a five-foot one-inch ball of pure rage!”

21)  “Do the thing!”

22)  “Imma do the thing!” “Don’t do the thing” “I’m gonna do the thing”

23)  “Did you forget your line?”

24)  *sighs dramatically* “Line!”

25)  “Are you sure you want to do this?” “No, not really, But I never am and I’m not gonna start now.”

26)  “I have a plan” “A successful plan that won’t end in embarrassment and/or detention?” “I have no plan”

27)  “Hi, uh sorry, this is awkward but, that’s my seat?”

28)  “You are a crazy ball of contradictions, aren’t you?”

29)  “It's a beautiful day to give me money”

30)  “Don’t touch anything” 

31)  “Hang on, let me out in some pants”

32)  “Sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments”

33)  “Okay old man”

34)  “I’d rather face death”

35)  “Did I stutter?”

36)  “Get on with it already”

37)  “It’s not funny”

38)  “Hey. Hey, you’re okay. I’m okay. We are all okay”

39)  “That is a terrible, horrible, incredibly foolish idea. Let’s do it and see what happens”

40)  “I hate you” “Why? I’m lovely”

41)  “Weren’t you trying to kill me three minutes ago?”

42)  “Bite me”

43)  “Shh... Let me wear your shirt in peace”

44)  “Who are you? And is that my shirt?”

45)  “What? Sorry, I do my best to block out the stupid around me’”

46)  “What would you do if I kissed you right now?”

47)  “What would you do if I punched you right now?”

48)  “We aren’t dating but I’m going to randomly kiss you”

49)  “Are you- are you flirting with me?”

50)  “Is that what you call flirting?”

51)  “I never imagined myself in a dress”

52)  “That’s not a good sign”

53)  “I’m channeling my inner white girl”

54)  “What are you so afraid of?”

55)  “Do you trust me?” “No” “Smart”

56)  “Why are your hands (color)?” “That is a very good question”

57)  “This is hard”

58)  “Respect existence or expect resistance” 

59)  “you’re a psychopath” “I prefer creative”

60)  “Well, you can’t plan a murder out loud”

61)  “Why are you so quiet?”

62)  “Why are you so loud?’

63)  “Wha- what, what is this?”

64)  “Are you sure you two aren’t married?”

65)  “Why can’t they see they’re meant to be?”

66)  “We are dating now. You have no choice in the matter”

67)  “So... wanna make out?”

68)  “Your lips taste like coffee”

69)  “It’s an experiment!”

70)  “For science!”

71)  “Oh! That was why you were laughing. I thought there was a donkey hidden somewhere”

72)  “You might be an idiot, but you’re my idiot”

73)  “Let’s cuddle”

74)  “You lied to my face”

75)  “Just shut up already”

76)  “Right now, I don’t know if I want to kiss you, or shove you off a cliff”

77)  “Growing up is overrated”

78)  “On a scale of one to ten how likely are you to date me?”

79)  “You are necessary. I need you”

80)  “Do you really need all that candy?”

81)  “Do you really need to ask?”

82)  “Are you sure I can’t punch them in the face? Not even just a little?”

83)  “Have you ever loved someone so much it actually hurt?”

84)  “I trusted you” “Well then you can’t really blame me, can you? It was your mistake”

85)  “Their crying what do I do” “Comfort them” “How do I do that?”

86)  “So, I kind of think that there is a 327% chance that I’m in love with you”

87)  “No?”

88)  “Hi? Hi?!? All you can say is Hi?!?”

89)  “I am not wearing enough clothes for this”

90)  “Fuck it”

91)  “Could you possibly be any stupider?”

92)  “Is there any chance you could, I don’t know, not?”

93)  “How about no?”

94)  “Finally!”

95)  “Why won’t they/you just kiss already?”

96)  I’m going to make them realize their feelings for each other if it’s the last thing I do”

97)  “Is this one of those times you want me to lie to protect your delicate emotions?”

98)  “Remove you hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it”

99)  “Your hair is so soft”

100)  “Come here, you can sit in my lap until I’m done working”

101) “Look, I know we don’t know each other that well, but I’m worried about you. No one deserves to be alone”

102) “you’re so cute when you’re half asleep like this”

103)         “I’ve had a rough day and all I want right now is someone to cuddle with me”

104)         “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

105)         “It’s too early for this?”

106)         “But then I’d have to put pants on”

107)         “You are bleeding all over my carpet”

108)         “You broke it didn’t you?”

109)         “I miss(ed) you”

110)         “I’ve missed this”

111)         “Is that/this really necessary?”

112)         Are you my parent or my s/o?”

113)         “Don’t make me come over there”

114)         “No seriously, I do not want to get up”

115)         “I think I might be pregnant”

116)         “Guess what, there’s a baby in me!” *Jazz hands*

117)         “I want to marry you”

118)         “Let’s do something crazy”

119)         “Really is that the best you could do?”

120)         “Is that really the best you could come up with?”

121)         “What even are we?”

122)         “I give up”

123)         “Leave me alone”

124)         ” I’m not in the mood right now”

125)         “If you want to talk, talk”

126)         “I may not look it, but I am listening”

127)         “Just because I act like I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t care”

128)         “Why are you always so grouchy?” “Allergies” What are you allergic to?” “Positivity”

129)         “I’m getting real tired of having to pretend to care”

130)         “With this smile, I can get away with everything”

131)         “Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture”

132)         “Judge if you want, we’re all going to die. I just intend to deserve it”

133)         “Excuse me, I have to go a scene”

134)         “Y’know, that’s not what an apology sounds like”

135)         “Don’t mind me, I’ll just be having an existential crisis in the corner”

136)         “This is my life now. I have climbed this hill and now I shall die upon it” “Shut up, we’ve only been hiking for twenty minutes”

137)         “You are an insult away from starting a war”

138)         “Literally everything about this is illegal”

139)         “I had a thought” “Oh no”

140)         “Oh boy”

141)         “Your imperfections are perfect to me”

142)         “You are necessary. I need you”

143)         “You seem so nice, but you are so evil. How?” “People are willing to do things for you if you’re polite’

144)         “Oh my gosh that would look so cute on you”

145)         “Oh, my profanity is offensive? So is your sensitive fucking nature, so we’re even”

146)         “You are currently crushing my spleen” “You don’t even know where your spleen is”

147)         “Why are you hiding behind me? What did you do?”

148)         “You scared me!” “Well I am naturally terrifying”

149)         “You scared me, I thought I lost you”

150)         “Don’t you ever don’t that again”

151)         “Put some pants on, we’re going on”

152)         “I’d take a bullet for you, you know that” “You’re immortal, and I’m going to kill you if you keep saying that”

153)         “That has got to be the worst pick-up line in existence” “Don’t worry. That’s just plan A” “What’s plan B?” “To take you hostage”

154)         “Keep your morals away from me”

155)         “Lie!” “I – what?” “Lie, what you just said, it isn’t true”

156)         “You are the worst human being on the face of the planet” “Thanks. Anyway...”

157)         “Are you ... crying?”

158)         “Stop glaring it was just a suggestion”

159)         “Have I ever thanked you for being my friend?” “Uh, no, but tha- ““Good”

160)         “Are you even listening to me?”

161)         “I have never been so in love before”

162)         “My god I love you/them”

163)         “Fuck!” “What’s wrong?”

164)         “I’m pretty sure I’m in love. Dammit!”

165)         “I’m sick, therefore I don’t have to deal with you bullshit today”

166)         “Go bother someone else today”

167)         “I’m just going to walk away now”

[homeofthelonelywriter]

Drabbles!!

(A/N) So, I finally collected my favourite drabbles. Most of those below are from another blog, but I just can’t find him/her. So if those are your drabbles or you know the user those drabbles are from, please let me know, so I can give them the credit they deserve! How this works: Choose one or more prompts and a character and send me your request. You can do it as an anon, but if you do it non-anon like, I can tag you. And if you’d like any more details to be added (who says the line, for example) just add it to the request. You can find a list of characters I write for down below. The things you send me, will be turned into a oneshot.

1. “Close your eyes.“ – „I swear, if you’re doing something strange, I’ll kill you!”

2. “Are you…flirting with me?” – “About damned time you notice!”

3. “Please stop smiling at me. I keep messing everything up when you look at me like that!”

4. “You look so comfy and cuddle-able!”

5. “I can’t believe, how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re eating breakfast in my shirt.”

6. “No…it’s just like…I can’t believe you’re actually wearing my clothes.”

7. “You can hurt yourself with that.” – uses weapon skilfully – “You were saying?”

8. “You know, to be a smartass, you have to be smart. Otherwise you’re just an ass.”

9. “IS THAT PAINT?” – “Nope, just my blood.”

10. “That looks infected.” – “It’s fine.” – “You’re dying!” – “Well…that’s fine too.”

11. “I can save you.” – “No, you can’t.”

12. “Do you think at all before you speak?”

13. “You know, unlike some other people, I don’t sleep with everyone I make eye contact with.”

14. “Promise me you’ll take better care of yourself.”

15. “I’ve made so many mistakes, but you’re not one of them.”

16. “You, didn’t do the dishes, I’m not doing you!”

17. “Hot, gorgeous, beautiful…whatever you want to call me.”

18. “Who are we ignoring?”

19. “I love sarcasm! It’s like punching people in the face with words.”

20. “You’re one insult away from starting a war.”

21. “I love you from the bottom from my heart, but I don’t trust you cooking. So stay out of my kitchen.”

22. “I have nothing to apologise for.”

23. “Don’t judge because I’m quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.”

24. “Why aren’t you worshipping me, mortal?” – “Not interested, thanks though.”

25. “I’m going to kill you!” – “Daring/Dude, I’m already dead.”

26. “It’s hard to have a heart, when you stopped so many others.”

27. “I’d like to apologies to everyone, for what’s about to happen.”

28. “Death is the only god, who will come if you call.”

29. “God damnit!” – “You can’t say that!” – “Okay. Satan bless it!”

30. “I hate you.” – “Why? I’m lovely!”

31. “Why were you trying to kill me?” – “I was hired to.”

32. “You’re…” – “Beautiful, gorgeous, immensely talented-“ – “…dangerous.”

33. “I know the voices aren’t real, but man, they come up with some great ideas!”

34. “All that blood looks good on you. It really brings out your eyes.”

35. “You see, my idea of ‘help from above’, is a sniper.”

36. “You’re a psychopath.” – “I prefer creative.”

37. “Excuse me? Which level of hell is this?”

38. “Fuck an apology! I’m not sorry for anything!”

39. “Who are you? Death?” – “Sometimes. Not today though.”

40. “I’d rather be spilling blood.”

41. “Spoiler alert: everybody dies.”

42. “No! I’m not feeling violent. I’m feeling creative with weapons.”

43. “Don’t you feel lonely living in your own little world?” – “Don’t you feel powerless living in other people’s world?”

44. “I may have, accidently adopted five cats.”

45. “The problem is: if I kiss you, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.”

46. “I can lose everything! But not you, oh god, not you!”

47. “Kill me if you must, but I will not bow to a king, who wears a crown studded with jewels of every life he’s taken.”

48. “I am the monster you created.”

49. “Why should I apologies for being the monster I’ve become? No one ever apologised for making me this way!”

50. “The chains may be broken, but are you truly free?”

51. “The devil’s got nothing on me, my friend.”

52. “Clever as the devil and twice as pretty.”

53. “Can I stay in the reality of your universe? Mine sucks.”

54. “So, what’s your plan?” – “My plan was to follow your plan!”

55. “I do what I want and you’ll do what you’re told!”

56. “This is my life now. I climbed that hill and I’ll die upon it.” – “Shut up! We’ve only been hiking for like five minutes!”

57. “I’m getting the distinct feeling that I’m not welcome here.”

58. “Don’t bleed on my floor!”

59. “…I think I broke him/her.”

60. “You’ve got to believe me!” – “Sorry, but I tend to not believe compelling liars.”

61. “I’d take a bullet for you, you know that.” – “You’re immortal. And I’m going to kill you if you keep saying that.”

62. “I know it’s three in the morning, but I can’t find my cat.”

63. “If you walk out that door…don’t you ever come back.”

64. “Will you just let me think for a minute and let me think?!”

65. “Ignore me. I didn’t see anything.”

66. “I’m in love…shit.”

67. “You look…” – “Beautiful, I know. Can we please move on now?”

68. “I’ve never stood a chance, did I?” – “That’s the sad part. You once did.”

69. “I thought you forgot about me.” – “Never.”

70. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

71. “We have like five people trying to kill us. What are we gonna do?” – “Well, it’s more like nine.” – “Oh well, I’m sorry I wasn’t specific enough!”

72. “Oh, look at all the pretties!” – “Can you please stop talking about assault rifles, the same way you talk about shoes?”

73. “I am way to sober for this shit.”

74. “Stop that.” – “Stop what?” – “That thing you’re doing with your face when you’re happy. It’s making me nauseous.”

75. “Take my hand.” – “Why?” – “I’m trying to ask you to marry me! So, take my damned hand!”

76. “Well, do as I say, not as I do.”

77. “Come here.” – “Why?” – “Just come here!” – “No, you’re gonna hit me!”

78. “I’m fine.” – “You don’t look fine.” – “Then stop looking.”

79. “You need to stop doing that!” – “Doing what?” – “Things that make me want to kiss you.”

80. “I’m not a doctor, but I think he’s dead.”

81. “I’d love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.”

82. “Want to come over? Nobody’s home.” – “On my way.” – “I’m here, where are you?” – “Told you nobody’s home.”

Characters:

Divergent:

Eric

Four

Hunger Games:

Peeta

Gale

Finnick

The walking dead:

Daryl

Negan

Rick

Glenn

NCIS:

Gibbs

Criminal MInds:

Hotchner

Spencer

Lord of the rings:

Aragorn

Legolas

Frodo

Sam

Merry

Pippin

The Hobbit:

Thranduil

White Collar:

Neal

Percy Jackson:

Percy

Luke

Riverdale:

Jughead

FP Jones

Harry Potter:

Harry

Ron

Draco

Fred & George

Tom Riddle

Snape

Neville

Marvel:

Loki

Thor

Captain America

Iron Man

Actors:

Tom Hiddleston

Benedict Cumberbatch

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Sebastian Stan

Jai Courtney

Tom Felton

Jeremy Renner

Bill Skarsgard

YouTube:

Dan Howell

Markiplier

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 24/04/2021 (AJ Tracey, Young Thug/Gunna/Drake)

On this week on the UK Singles Chart, we get a well-deserved break after last week’s chaos but we still have seven or so new arrivals – half of last week’s amount. Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)” is unfazed by any of it as it spends a fourth week at #1, and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

So last week was busy but a lot of what debuted and returned didn’t actually sustain so we have a plentiful amount of drop-outs and returning entries this week as well. For notable drop-outs – as in songs that had peaked in the top 40 or spent at least five weeks in the chart (specifically the UK Top 75, which I cover) – we have “Anyone” by Justin Bieber, Drake’s “What’s Next” after only six weeks, “What Other People Say” by Sam Fischer and Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded version of “Love Story” and “Headshot” by Lil Tjay featuring Fivio Foreign and Polo G as well as the late DMX’s “X Gon’ Give it to Ya” off of the return last week.

We do have an oddly large amount of returning entries as a result of this because I guess there’s not enough new stuff to fill in the cracks, as “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles is back at #75, “Heat” by Paul Woodford and Amber Mark at #69, “Anxious” by AJ Tracey at #68 off of the album boost, “Another Love” by Tom Odell at #67 and “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #62.

Then we have songs actually on the chart that are moving about – first off, let’s start with our notable losses, falling about five spots or more on the chart. We don’t have an excess of these, but we do have “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK getting ACR’d at #23, “Latest Trends” by AI x JI and remixed by Aitch at #33, “Mercury” by Dave and Kamal. off of the debut to #47 (good!), “Black Hole” by Griff at #48, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’ Bone Man at #49, “Mr. Perfectly Fine” by Taylor Swift at #50 off of the debut, as well as “Anywhere Away from Here” by Rag’n’Bone Man and P!nk also off of the debut at #51. Oh, and again, falling after last week’s debut, we have “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack at #52. Other fallers that actually lasted at least one more week on the chart include “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #57, “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #63 and that’s about it. Also, somehow “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” by Drake featuring Rick Ross is sticking to the charts at #71 despite all of the more pop cuts off of that EP – and by that I mean the songs that aren’t six long minutes of pure rapping – dropping out. How that is I have no idea but it does bring us to our gains.

Our gains are always more interesting and we do have a fair few of them this week, like “Starstruck” by Years & Years at #56 off of the debut, “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)” by Fred again.. and the Blessed Madonna somehow surging up to #55 off of the debut, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #54, “Summer 91 (Looking Back)” by Noizu at #53, “Last Time” by Becky Hill at #46, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew at #45, “Medicine” by James Arthur at #44, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #41, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd rebounding at #40, “Runaway” by AURORA making the top 40 at #34 (six years late), “Levitating” by Dua Lipa bizarrely rebounding at #32, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #31 and that’s pretty much it other than big gains for Olivia Rodrigo’s “deja vu” up big to #12 and “Let’s Go Home Together” by Ella Henderson and Tom Grennan breaking into the top 10 at #10. A lot of these new entries are concentrated towards the bottom of the chart, so let’s start with something that’s actually pretty great.

NEW ARRIVALS

#74 – “How Does it Feel” – London Grammar

Produced by London Grammar and Steve Mac

London Grammar are an indie pop band from Nottingham that just scored their second #1 album with Californian Soil, one I found genuinely promising but absolutely meandering. For all of the great, swelling and powerful tracks there were – many already on the pre-album EPs and singles – there were pointless, time-consuming ballads that feel if anything underwritten and dull. My personal favourite track, “Baby it’s You”, was the lead single and it actually charted, though this cut is the highest-peaking track from the record and also, thankfully, one of my favourites. Hannah Reid has a smoky, unique voice and it always swells over these atmospheric, reverb-drenched instrumentals, full of subtle bass and those infectious guitar links before it drops into the borderline vocaloid drop in that distorted synth-pop chorus that... okay, is pretty anti-climactic and there for no reason other than to give an excuse for the band to incorporate that 80s production into the rest of the song. Regardless, it’s still a damn good production and that chorus is unreasonably catchy, even if she’s hitting falsetto notes I’d never be able to sing along to. It’s not a song that ends too early so it can stream well either; this is a pop song constructed like one of old, and is just as intricate, especially with those twinkling keys in the final chorus. This isn’t the best on the album by far but it’s understandably the one that’s the most accessible and upbeat so it makes sense it’s here. I don’t expect it to stick around but I wouldn’t mind if it did.

#73 – “Sunshine (The Light)” – Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous

Produced by Cool N Dre and Amorphous

So, Fat Joe might be back? I’d be hard-pressed to find out way until I look at this... comeback single of sorts and realise that the chorus is just straight-up taken from a Rihanna song, that being the verse of “Kiss it Better” from 2016 layered over this almost disco-sounding sample of Luther Vandross and that’s pretty much the song as far as the beat is concerned. In that way, I guess it’s kind of fun and harmless but Rihanna’s vocals are mixed pretty horrifically on this instrumental without any attempt to cover it up with some backing vocals, which would have been a really good touch. DJ Khaled is only here because he finishes Fat Joe’s punchline and he contributes literally nothing else. In fact, Fat Joe is a waste of time here as well, especially in that really odd bridge and second verse. Admittedly, I guess his first verse has one clever line but it’s all clearly so unfocused even when the sample gives you a lot to work with in terms of content. By the time the Luther Vandross vocal sample is oddly dribbling over the beat, I’m out of this.

#72 – “Ski” – Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna

Produced by BabyWave, Outtatown and Wheezy

Slime Language 2 was a project I thought was actually fairly enjoyable given its runtime and content. I mean, it’s 23 tracks running at about an hour and a half of just mindless flexing, sex and gunplay from Young Thug and YSL affiliates but it has an energy and camaraderie that I rarely find is all that noticeable during these label or collective albums, and whilst not any particular rapper shines on more than one track, we still hear a lot of voices on the record that are far from unpleasant and can hold their own against Thug, one of them of course being Gunna. I’m surprised the songs with Travis Scott or Lil Uzi Vert didn’t debut but this Thug-Gunna cut did, but I guess that video pushed it over the top and I’m glad because this is by far one of my favourites on the album on pure, stupid and mindless energy. That camaraderie that I mentioned is in full force here as Thug and Gunna trade bars over this basic watery beat with some catchy strings and, of course, awkward bass mixing. The first intelligible words are “Spider sex” and then Thug just goes into yelling “Yeah!” because, sure, that’s a chorus. Thugger delivers his typical flow-switching charisma with a lot of loud, fun energy and whilst not anything of lyrical standard is said here, I love how he and Gunna trade each other’s names on their versions of the post-chorus. It’s a clever, little touch that makes songs like this feel just that bit more fun, if the manic ad-libs didn’t already show that. Gunna’s verse might be the best of the two here as he actually comes with some unexpected energy over that beeping synth loop that sounds great finally coming from Gunna, and, yeah, what can I say? It’s a mindless trap banger that will be out as soon as it was in – both for the charts and your ears – but it’s so much fun and with Thug’s poppier projects, that’s all that matters.

#66 – “You” – Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae

Produced by Regard

The Kosovan DJ that brought us that great remix of Jay Sean’s “Ride It” as well as original song “Secrets” with RAYE is back and bringing... Troye Sivan and Tate McRae with him. Okay, I mean, sure, maybe Regard can pump up the production to get either of these singers to sound enthused. The content is pretty basic, with the “coming back to an ex” story we’ve heard before and not much interplay between Tate and Troye – not that there can feasibly be but that’s beside the point. This isn’t all that important to a song like this, though, but it can be done so it always feels anti-climactic when these EDM songs don’t have good lyrical content anchoring its groove and catchy hooks. That said, this song is actually pretty good, trading much of the more fast-paced house grooves and minimal deep house drops for a pretty slick, almost synth-funk production with some hard-hitting 909 bass and Troye’s laid-back mumbling falsetto actually sounding pretty great over electro percussion and this blend of really cool, retro synths that aren’t afraid to sound jerky and out-of-tune in that post-chorus. They almost remind me of Plastic Beach if this isn’t that ludicrous of a comparison. Tate McRae barely exists here but that’s fine – sadly she has the only verse and her voice just doesn’t mesh that well with Troye’s outside of some of the chorus harmonising, and on its own just sounds kind of unwarrantedly raspy on pretty clean, smooth production. Regard’s addition of those distorted backing vocals and the lenient vocal manipulating in that bridge make sure you know this is intricately produced to every detail and I just love that ramping of intensity even if the final chorus doesn’t really act as that impactful climax so the song ends on kind of a low note where I can tell Regard didn’t know where to go from there. Otherwise, this is a pretty great synth-pop track and I really hope it sticks around. I knew Regard had an ear for more unique EDM production since he came onto the charts for the first time with “Ride It” so I hope to hear what’s next from him as well. For now, oh, God, please make this a hit.

#61 – “Kukoc” – AJ Tracey featuring NAV

Produced by Yung Swisher and Pxcoyo

This is our first of two songs that debuted this week from AJ Tracey’s album Flu Game, which I decided not to listen to on the basis that it was nearly an hour’s runtime with a NAV feature. It’s just my luck then that for whatever reason, the British public decided the NAV song was the second most important track to listen to when the album dropped. Well, I guess this beat isn’t bad, especially with that synth flashing over the acoustic guitar inflections and the Pop Smoke-esque rattling drill percussion creating an oddly-mixed and cluttered beat but one that I guess still hits pretty hard. NAV sounds more enthused than ever over a drill beat – maybe he should stick to that – but I still feel like this is just a pointless song. The content is primarily just flexing and AJ Tracey’s energy is there but not in a particularly likeable, charming way or in an intimidating, menacing way so he just ends up out-shined by NAV’s cheaply Auto-Tuned and simple, basic flow in his verse where he emphasises how he’s a grown man at 30 years old – yet still not showing any sign of maturity, seemingly. This is listenable for sure but at best it’s a mildly amusing drill track and at worst it’s sensory overload. The build-up is only in the intro here and it’s just full force for the next two minutes making it kind of aggravating to even listen to and keep up with. Oh, and “Kukoc” is some Croatian basketball player mentioned once in the chorus. That’s about as interesting as this content gets.

#36 – “Solid” – Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna featuring Drake

Produced by Foreign Teck, Elvas, Wheezy and OZ

It’s an unwritten rule that if you release an album, the song with Drake on it will always debut on the charts, and often particularly high. Okay, I guess it didn’t work for Drakeo the Ruler – sadly – but it did work for Slime Language 2. “Solid” which absolutely did not need the four producers it has is pretty much just the trio being as uninteresting as possible as they slide over a synth-based trap beat with, say it with me, odd bass mixing. I guess Drake’s hook is mildly catchy and the steel pans in the verses are kind of fun even if they’re there for pretty much no reason. Gunna probably delivers the best verse, if not the purest as he brags about having solid friendships, and boasts wealth over the beat which gets a lot more eerie and downbeat with Gunna over it for whatever reason, even when he’s spitting ridiculous sex bars. The best part of this as with most of the YSL label projects is the interplay between Young Thug and Gunna, as over an increasingly badly mixed beat and some slick organ licks, Thugger ends off the track with an effortless verse and... well, it sure is a trap-rap song by Young Thug, Gunna and Drake. That’s for sure. It’s not bad at all and this beat could be a lot better if there were more steel pans and better mixing, it’s just that none of these guys deliver as well as they can and like most things he’s on nowadays, Drake is the worst part of it.

#29 – “Little More Love” – AJ Tracey

Produced by Venna, Mark Raggio, RyFy and Yoz Beats

I’m surprised there’s little fanfare about this song and the album in general, especially given how big songs like “West Ten” and “Bringing it Back”. Sadly, I think this might be a case of waiting too long to get the record out or just AJ’s star fading away and towards – unfortunately – Digga D. This cut got the music video treatment and hence debuted the highest of any entries this week but it was set for a top 10 debut from the album and video boost, but just seems to have stalled. I actually think that’s pretty unfortunate as this is a great song, with that tropical guitar lick that sounds cheap when drenched in the reverb and especially when the beat comes in and it’s mixed too loudly, but that doesn’t really obscure the trap knock and groove, particularly in that chorus with AJ’s expected dead-beat delivery. That delivery really works for this song, though, as it’s about the paranoia that comes with unexpected fame and success for someone from a background of poverty. I wish the beat gave AJ more room to breathe but he still flips the typical UK flows on his verses so they’re a lot more catchy and smooth, particularly over those soulful vocal loops that come in at the same time. That second verse is pretty excellent too, as whilst it’s short, it runs through some pretty excellent flows and some interesting lines, like about how he sees himself as Che Guerava, represents his Trinidadian identity and how he’s “got God” so he and his crew don’t need to wear a bullet-proof vest, which is actually kind of profound for Tracey. The horns at the end of this beat deserve some credit for making this song great too, and with all the sounds packed into this song, I think I understand why this one has four producers, even if this cluttered mix could use halving that total.

Conclusion

This is a pretty solid week all things considered, with a lot of good to great songs, so much so that it’s difficult to give out titles. I guess Best of the Week is going to “Ski” by Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna but I’m convinced to give a three-way tie for Honourable Mention. I think I’ll just stick with giving it to Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae for “You” but it was close. Worst of the Week ends up going to “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, Amorphous and DJ Khaled almost by default, with a Dishonourable Mention to AJ Tracey’s “Kukoc” featuring NAV, even if I still kind of like the song. Here’s our top 10 for this week:

Hopefully next week will keep this quality going, but in terms of new arrivals I can’t really make any concrete predictions other than a boost for “Save Your Tears” and hopefully an impact from Jorja Smith and Little Simz. I guess time will tell however, so thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week!

[thetiredbiwrites]

Prompt List

1. Apparently, I’m going to have a baby

2. What’s in your hand/mouth?

3. What are you eating?!

4. I lost the baby

5. Where’s the ___? [insert pet]

6. I…I think I may be pregnant

7. Why is it staring at me?

8. Who’s a good boy/girl?

9. “Who’s my favourite little boy/girl?” “I thought I was”

10. *Makes noise* mm hmm, I agree

11. I can’t do it. I have been chosen *points to sleeping pet/baby on lap*

12. I’m pregnant

13. Stop kicking mommy please

14. Is that a baby?

15. You have a pet what?!

 16. Is that my shirt?

17. You like me? You actually like me? Have you met me?

18. Could you repeat that? One more time

19. Just how much trouble are we in?

20. Where do you think you’re going?

21. Don’t walk away from me!

22. I’m not great at the advice, can I offer you a sarcastic comment?

23. How is my wife more badass than me?

24. Don’t you trust me?

25. Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

26. Why are you crying?

27. Oh, my God, what are you? Five?

28. Yes, I’m crying. What about it?!

29. Did I stutter?!

30. Are you drunk?

31. Why can’t you ever let me all the way in?

32. What did you do?

33. What now?

34. Are you hurt?

35. Are you insane?!

36. What are friends for?

37. What could go wrong?

38. You’re taking their side?

39. Are you jealous?

40. Why are you pushing me away?

41. You-you like me?

42. Why didn’t you tell me?

43. Do you trust me?

44. Did you just throw popcorn at me?

45. Am I dreaming?

46. How did I get so lucky?

47. Are you done checking me out?

48. What did I do?

49. It’s like you’re involving me in crime and I let you. Why do I let you?

50. Did I do something wrong?

51. Don’t you know how to answer a phone?!

52. Why does everyone have to die on me?

53. Movie night

54. Why are people so judgemental?

55. Am I not good enough for you anymore?

56. You’re really brave, you know that, right?

57. Everyone has somebody and I’m over here still alone. What is wrong with me?

 58. Don’t tell me what to do and don’t tell me what to say

59. You’re the reason I’m in this mess so you owe me

60. I’m moderately functional

61. I thought it was funny

62. I di… that wasn’t me

63. Sorry, I didn’t hear any of that. I was too busy watching your lips.

64. Shut up and listen

65. It’s called sarcasm, dumbass

66. I am not nearly drunk enough for this

67. Would you stop biting/licking your lip, it’s so distracting and hot!

68. This is a whole new level of stupid, even for you!

69. I can’t believe you shot me!

70. Listen up, you little shits

71. If there’s no food, I’m leaving

72. I really don’t give a shit

73. I look cute in a tiara

74. Way to go(!)

75. I’m probably fine, but I also might be dead

76. You underestimate how much I like challenges

77. I have no idea how I’m still alive

78. I’m a little drunk

79. Don’t even look at me

80. If you die, I will bring you back and kill you again

81. If I die, I will haunt your ass

82. You kick their ass

83. I may be small, but I can kick your ass

84. Sorry, I wasn’t listening

85. I was distracted by your face

86. Five more minutes

87. Stop smirking

88. Stop laughing

89. If I was doing something stupid, you’d be involved

90. I want to hug you and slap you

91. I have to see some penguins like right now

92. You’re giving me a headache

93. I gotta get new friends

94. I’ll make the popcorn

95. Idiot. They’re all gonna die

96. Your plans suck

97. “Don’t worry” “Do you even know me?! It’s all I do!”

98. You’re overreacting. That’s my job

99. Please put a shirt on, it’s distracting

100. I told you so

101. You’re making a mistake

102. Oh, my God, stop with the overprotectiveness, it’s suffocating me!

103. Crap. We could be trapped in here a while

104. That’s a crap apology. That wasn’t even an apology. It was just excuses

 105. I’m scared

106. I’m terrified

107. I’m broken

108. It’s my fault

109. I’m human, I make mistakes

110. I just never feel useful

111. Please make it stop

112. I just want to crawl under the covers and cry

113. I feel awful

114. I feel like I can’t breathe

115. All I wanna do is help. I just wanna help because, I don’t want people to suffer

116. I wanted to feel useful

 117. I wish I was an only child

118. They’re [like] my brother/sister

119. You never give up on family

120. You guys are like my family

 121. Don’t leave

122. I’m not going to stop

123. I hate you

124. I should hate you

125. Go away

126. Please don’t say it

127. I can’t do this anymore

128. We need to talk

129. Actions speak louder than words

130. Promise me

131. I’m here

132. Don’t cry, please

133. I’ll always be here for you

134. I cannot lose you

135. I don’t deserve you

136. Stop. Please, stop

137. I woke up and you were gone

138. I was so scared I lost you

139. I’ve been such a jerk

140. I hate that I love you

141. I’m terrified every time you walk out the door

142. I thought you were dead!

143. I don’t want to lose you

144. People leave, people die

145. I lost it

 146. All that matters is that you’re alive

147. You’re going to have to forgive yourself sometime

148. I’m not gonna leave you. It’s just never going to happen

149. You’re not alone anymore and you never will be again

150. “I don’t want you to hate me” “I could never hate you”

151. It’s over. You’re ok. They can’t hurt you anymore

152. I thought you were asleep

153. Trust is fragile

154. I never said I hate you. I’m just pissed at you. I can still love you while being mad at you

155. He’s/She’s/They’re missing, not dead

156. I have to find them

157. They took him/her

158. We can do this. Together

159. You’re lucky you’re cute

160. You don’t need to be “the hero”. You’re my hero

161. Come with me

162. Your face makes me so happy

163. I’m coming to get you

164. You’re safe now

165. Let me help

166. We make a good team

167. It’s just a scratch

168. God, you’re hot

169. I miss you

170. You’re sick

171. I hate the hospital

172. I’m not scared of you

173. Let me take care of you

174. If you get sick, I’m giving you no sympathy

175. I’m gonna puke

176. They kicked me

177. I need a hug

178. So oblivious

179. I just wanted to see you smile

180. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you

181. Please say something, you’re scaring me

182. I’m not going anywhere

183. I just wanted to see you

184. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere

185. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you

186. You don’t have to pretend with me

187. I got you

 188. I wanted to see you smile

189. That’s my girl/guy

190. I love you

191. Because I love you, you moron!

192. Shut up and kiss me

193. Oh, you love me

194. You’re stuck with me

195. I want to marry you

196. Will you shut up a moment and let me kiss you

197. We’ve been married 5 years and you still make my heart race

198. I love you more than I even realised was possible

199. *panic attack*

200. *nightmares*

Most comfortable writing Teen Wolf but I want to try other shows/ films. I will write pretty much anything BUT smut. No smut/NSFW. I haven’t a problem with it, I just can’t write it. I may imply it, but I can’t do the detailed stuff. There are amazing writers out there who can. (Reader Insert: Romantic relationships, family/sibling relationships, friends relationships…)

Teen Wolf

-    Stiles Stilinski

-    Scott McCall

-    Derek Hale

-    Isaac Lahey

-    Liam Dunbar

-    Allison Argent

-    Lydia Martin

-    Kira Yukimura

-    Malia Tate

-    Jackson Whittemore

-    Peter Hale

-    Cora Hale

-    Erica Reyes

-    Jordan Parrish

Star Wars

-    Poe Dameron

Supernatural

-    Sam Winchester

-    Dean Winchester

[lilsherlockian1975]

Sherlolly. 33. For the theme n short fic ask

celebrity/fan au - Fun! Thanks, Gee!! This turned out a wee bit longer than I intended. Hope you like. ~Lil~ (I’ve got lots more to fill. I’m working on them and appreciate them all!)

John Watson was pissed. There were about a thousand places he’d rather be at the moment. (Like on a date with the lovely Miss Morstan, which he had to cancel when Sherlock had stormed into the clinic, demanding his presence just as he was getting ready to leave!) Riding in the back of a cab on the way to some book signing with his broody best friend was nowhere on that list. 

“Are you going to explain this?” he asked. 

When Sherlock had said ‘book signing’ John had waited impatiently for the upshot. Where was the murder? Where was the puzzle?

“No,” the detective answered.

The doctor clenched his fist and cracked his neck. He’s your friend. You will not strangle him in the backseat of a cab. John took in the other man’s appearance for a moment. That’s when he noticed the difference. Sherlock The Body’s Just a Transport Holmes always wore the most expensive clothes and took far too much care with his hair to really believe in that ‘beauty is just a construct’ nonsense. But today… today the man was polished within an inch of his life! Also, he was undoubtedly nervous. John couldn’t remember ever seeing the man so unsettled.

“Sherlock? Are you..?” 

The detective’s head whipped toward him. “What?” he asked with thinly veiled aggression.

There is something going on here. Though Sherlock often pointed out that his friend didn’t see ‘certain things’ - not observing, he called it - John had learned a lot about the man sitting next to him in their two years of friendship. That’s when it hit him; he had to force himself not to smirk.

“Does this have something to do with that book? The pathology book?” John asked, almost certain that he had it figured out. 

Baker Street was never quite ‘clean’ (even though John bitched at his friend like an old fishwife) but it was somewhat better than when he had first moved in and the man-child did make some effort to put away his toys. In the last month, however, John had often noticed a book sitting next to Sherlock’s chair. Then he noticed it in the kitchen late one night and on the settee the next afternoon. He even found it in the bathroom one day. At one point he had wondered if the detective didn’t own several copies of the damn thing. 

“This isn’t a case at all. You just want to meet the author of that book.”

The detective smirked, though it lacked his usual confidence. “It seems I’m finally rubbing off on you, John. Keep paying attention and soon you’ll know the difference between a suspect and a witness.”

“At least I know who the prime minister is,” he mumbled under his breath.

Twenty-five minutes later they were walking into a small bookstore in Soho. 

“Not much of a turnout,” John commented. There were no lines and the store wasn’t much bigger than the sandwich shop below their flat. 

“How many people do you suppose are interested in forensic pathology?” He said the word ‘people’ like it was tantamount to a single cell organism. And one that he didn’t particularly like.

“Still…” John started as they made their way to the back of the shop. That’s when he saw her. A tiny smiling woman sitting next to a mountain of books talking to a spotty faced teenaged girl in large, ill-fitting glasses.

“… if you’re really interested, leave me your email and I’ll send you some information,” the woman said. 

The girl gasped. “You’d do that?”

“Of course! I wish I had someone to point me in the right direction when I was younger. I’d love to help in any way I can,” the woman returned, smiling brightly.

“I… I…” the teen stammered. “I don’t know what to say. I mean… you’re my favourite pathologist of all time!” 

Favourite pathologist? Do people have favourite pathologists? For a moment John thought the girl was going to cry, but she managed to write down her email and shake hands with the author before hurrying off to join a group of girls standing to the side. They all squealed as they left. Weird. 

He was so distracted by the spectacle that he almost missed Sherlock’s approach. 

“Hello, Dr. Hooper,” the detective said as he handed her his worn copy of the book. 

I didn’t even notice that! Him and his damn pockets! John did notice, however, that his friend’s voice was even deeper than usual. 

“Hi!” the woman said as she took the book, smiling and blushing up at his friend. 

John had seen this before… many, many times. That man’s looks were such a waste! The woman I could have pulled with those damn curls! He could make a witness, of the right sexual persuasion, sing like a canary with the slightest hint of fake flirtation.

“It seems I got in right under the wire,” Sherlock said.

“Yes. You might just be my last victim,” she replied with a giggle. 

When he smiled John realised that something was off. That wasn’t Sherlock’s false ‘get what he needs from a woman smile’. The man looked genuinely happy. What the hell?

“You’re much better at forensic analysis than comedy, Miss Hooper,” he said with none of the bite of his usual commentary.

Her face started to fall, but Sherlock quickly followed up with, “That wasn’t an insult. This book is brilliant, doctor. But you know that, don’t you? How many weeks has it been a bestseller?”

“A few.” She bit her lip and tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “Um, whom do I make this out to?”

Ah, John thought, who will Sherlock be today? Nigel Britwistle? Ridgewell  Luckinbill, perhaps? Felix Pickles was one of his personal favourits.

“Sherlock Holmes,” he said, causing John to do a double take. 

“That’s an unusual name,” Dr. Hooper said as she began to write. “Old English?” 

“It is,” Sherlock answered, practically beaming.

When she finished, she handed him the book and stood up. “Well, I’m finished for today,” she said as she started to box up the books from the table. 

“Did you have a good turnout?” Sherlock asked and then he did the strangest thing of all… he started to help her! 

“I did, actually. About five hundred, since lunch. Yesterday’s turnout was better.”

“Yes, I had wanted to make it to your signing at Waterstone’s. Unfortunately, I had a case,” Sherlock said as he added another book to the box.

Waterstone’s? That store was huge! John was more than a bit shocked. It seemed that this Dr. Hooper was the J.K. Rowling of forensic pathology!

“A… case?” she asked. “What sort of case?”

“I’m a detective,” his friend responded far less arrogantly than usual.

“You’re a..?”

“I should clarify, I don’t work for the Yard. I’m a consulting detective. The only one in the world, actually.”

There’s the arrogance.

“Really?”

“Yes. I invented the job,” he explained as he finished up with the books. “I’d love to tell you more if you’re not busy.”

“Ahh…” She looked at John (possibly for the first time) and then back to Sherlock, seemingly a bit apprehensive.

“Coffee, I thought, if you like,” Sherlock said in a rush. “There’s a decent shop just around the corner.”

She hesitated for a moment longer before saying, “Just let me speak to the manager to let him know that I’m all finished.” She started to walk away but paused and gave them both a pointed look. “And where we’re going, of course.”

Once she was out of hearing distance, John turned to his friend. “All right. I’m flummoxed. What the hell’s going on?”

Sherlock was watching her as she spoke to the store manager. “I believe that I have a date, John. Do keep up.”

“A date? You don’t date! What do you need her for? A case?” he asked, then thought for a moment. “Oh! You found a mistake in her book and want to reopen one of her old cases.”

“That book is flawless, John. As is her work. It’s not a case.”

“Are you trying to recruit her to work at St. Barts?” Nearly everyone at the hospital basically hated the man! “I doubt she’ll give up a lucrative book deal to be your personal whipping boy, no matter how many time you use that voice on her. She seems too smart for that.”

Turning to him with a glare, Sherlock said, “Of course she’s smart, John! She’s brilliant! And I don’t need another whipping boy, I’ve got you for that. No, I need her for something else entirely.” His tone softened at the end and his face… well, that was a look John had quite literally never seen before.

“And what is that, exactly?”

Sherlock smiled brightly then turned his attention back to the woman across the store. “Pay close attention, my friend, because I believe you’ve just met the future Dr. Holmes.” 

After several seconds of stunned silence, John finally found his voice. “Are you screwing with me?”

“Or perhaps I’ll take her name, who knows?”

“You’re joking!”

“There’s nothing wrong with taking the woman’s name. Don’t be so provincial.”

“I’m not talking about that, you tit!” John hissed. “Are you winding me up, because…”

“No, John,” Sherlock interrupted. “Not about this. Not about her.” He picked up his signed copy of the book and looked at the inscription with a grin before turning back to his friend. “Come with us and have one cup of coffee, then make some excuse and bugger off. Got it?”

He nodded mutely still too stunned to respond. Sherlock didn’t do relationships and had never mentioned marriage in the entire time John had know him, at least not reverently. Not only that but he had just met this woman. Even having read her book, how could he possibly be contemplating spending the rest of his life with her? It went against everything he thought he knew about the man. Then there was the woman herself. What if she was married? Or gay? What if she had a deep and burning hatred for tall, curly-haired, cocky bastards who thought they knew everything?

Just then Dr. Hooper walked back up. “Okay, Thomas knows I’m going with you so if my body turns up in the Thames, he’ll know who to blame.” She looked at John and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

Sherlock beat him to the introduction. “This is my best friend, Dr. John Watson.”

John paused before offering the woman his hand. Sherlock had never introduced John as his best friend before. Associate, blogger, assistant and even friend on the very rare occasion, but never ‘best friend’. Finally extending his hand he said, “Nice to meet you, doctor. Sherlock is a big fan of yours.” He was proud of managing that much in his shocked state.

She blushed as released him to pick up her coat and bag. “Nice to meet you too.”

Once she was ready, the three of them proceeded out of the store and onto the pavement. John hung back, letting the pair walk in front of him so that he could observe them. A tiny part of him wanted to see the detective crash and burn, knowing for a fact that Sherlock knew nothing about women, at least nothing about how to date them.

“So, did you have questions about the book?” she asked.

“Not so much, no.” 

She didn’t respond, just looked up at the detective curiously. 

“I’d actually like to know more about you, if I’m honest.”

“There’s not much to tell, Mr. Holmes.”

“I beg to differ. And please, call me Sherlock.”

“Oh, well, then you should call me Molly, I suppose,” she replied with an awkward laugh. “What would you like to know?”

John wondered as well. Sherlock usually knew whatever he deemed important about a person at first glance.

“Everything, I should think. But let’s start with how you got that scar on your left index finger. It’s not a scalpel cut, far too ragged.” He stopped walking and took her hand in his to study closer. “Too old as well. You were eleven? Perhaps twelve.”

“Yes,” the woman answered breathlessly.

Sherlock gently ran two fingers across the old scar then looked up. “A soup can,” he said with a knowing smirk on his lips.

Dr. Hooper had never taken her eyes off of his face the entire time. “How did..?”

“It’s my job to know, Molly. And I’ll tell you all about it.” He started walking but didn’t release her hand.

“You will?” she asked, seemingly unconcerned that she was now holding hands with the man that she’d just met.

“Indeed. But I believe that we have plenty of time for that.”

“What does that mean, exactly?”

“Come now, you’re the famous writer, Molly. Can’t you see that this is just the first page of the book?”

John never knew why Sherlock had brought him that day and he certainly didn’t know why he’d been allowed to witness such an overtly romantic display, but he was grateful nevertheless. 

Besides, it made his best man’s speech a breeze to write.

Thanks again, Gee! Love you!

[bananashemmo]

When We Collide (Part 33)

Authors Note: To celebrate my 20th birthday which is today (July 31st) I’m sharing another update of When We Collide. This isn’t just a normal update but a special once since this is written in Luke’s point of view! I hope you will enjoy this chapter as it was a bit different from my normal style and thank you so much for the birthday wishes! I’m happy to wake up every single day to your messages, your positivity and your kindness! Happy birthday to me! 

Pairing: Assistant!Y/N/CEO!Luke

Rating: NC-17

Masterlist: Here

Summary: He is the definition of high class smart ass, swimming in Dom Pierre Pérignon champagne and has never seen the shadow of poverty. She is underprivileged, lives in a messy dorm room on sale and struggles working as an assistant after being thrown out of college. But how will they collide when Luke makes Y/N pregnant after a drunkenly one night stand

When We Collide on Wattpad

“Great Luke, great. Just seriously great. What a way to pick the straw.”

I shook my head in disbelief and sincerely tried my best to not stumble upon my long legs. It was like they had turned into jelly and I had no idea where they were carrying me.

The biggest failure of the new year so far.

Ask me all you want, I can’t give you a proper answer. What happened? How did this happen? Did I have control of my words? None of it, and if you ask me god how I just wished I could rewind everything back.

It was like my legs knew where they were dragging me but I had no idea how to cope with it. I knew just exactly well where I was heading and it was a luck that I had a plan because it was too cold to just stay outside. It would only take five minutes for me to take the drive and within seconds I would be in the heat again.

My already rosy cheeks were met by the cold wind as I headed outside. Had it always been this cold? Everything seemed so warm inside but it was like it was not appreciated enough. I could have sworn I had a scarf in the car but I was left with disappointment.

Speaking of disappointment? Who was the biggest one tonight? Definitely me.

Call it all the ugly words you wanted, I would take them all in. Not because I was ignoring it but because I felt every single insult sink in. Letting it spread from my mind and down to my stomach to form that knot that always seemed to arrive once I had done something that wasn’t right.

Wasn’t that what life was about? Trying to figure out what to do and what was right and wrong. I was always trying to find the limit but this time I had crossed the line.

Sure saying that banging Holly was the worst one to date but there was only one mission for it. I was trying to trying to realize what was going on in my head because the days up to the event, it was all cloudy and not properly thought through.

I was aware that it was a stupid choice to do it, the alcohol was definitely affecting but it was never an apologize to anything. People saying that the alcohol was the blame will always be the worst in my book, not only because it’s the lamest excuse ever but it’s only a coverup for something you’re not proud of.

I knew of my actions, I knew just exactly well what was going on. But at that point it wasn’t about Holly, it was about realizing what in the world was going on with myself.

The last couple of weeks, actually months I had been feeling weird. Sure, everything had changed since the announcement of the pregnancy but now we were close to the third trimester and it wouldn’t make any sense if I still had that weird pit in my stomach.

I was trying to block out the feelings, the things that were going on in my head because I wasn’t used to them. I wasn’t used to the sudden commitment, I wasn’t used to suddenly caring because that was how easy my life had went so far.

How hard was it to try finding someone as a CEO? Pretty easy if you ask me but not someone who would truly love you.

With all the perks and what else good to offer it wasn’t hard finding someone to love you. But the question always was, would this be true love or would it just be someone to use you for the benefit? You can always say that you love someone without meaning it and to be that thing suddenly had much more importance than to others.

I was always trying to come across someone that would take my mind off anything else. Trying to find someone that wouldn’t just be there for everything that I could offer, but to meet someone who actually preferred to see the actual side of me.

But that also meant suddenly showing a side I had never shown before. The sensitive one, the one that’s suddenly vulnerable and not obvious to the crowd. I had never showed this side of myself because committing to someone meant showing all the different sides, even the horrible and nasty ones.

It was a part of my life to push people away. It was the reason why everyone left and I’m sure as hell aware that Y/N thought of that too. Even if she wished it so sincerely she would never survive one moment in my mind.

Because I couldn’t think of nothing else but her.

It was weird at first but as time started to grow the more she was a part of it. I couldn’t recall or think how it had happened but it was like no matter what I did she would always be there. She was there when I would sleep, when I would hover over my desk in confusion or obviously sitting at work and looking at her sit more than ten meters away from me.

It was like no matter what I did I couldn’t brush her off.

It was hard to call it something because I never know what the feeling of love will be. I didn’t want to believe it in, specifically because I had never actually explained the reason for it.

No matter what I did she would never fully understand the concept of why I was acting like I did.

Being young and in love was not something huge. It was something that was so common and I was also in that state of mine. Falling in love with someone is so dangerous because they have you wrapped around your finger. They have your heart and they can do anything they want with it.

I had only been in love once and it was completely ruined for me.

You know that feeling where you believe you can take on the world. That nothing can stop you and you just know that the person you’re with love you with all her heart and that is it going to be the two of you forever.

That was the feeling I had. That was the feeling I was carrying day for day to realize that it all in the end came to the money.

I was left in disbelief. I was left to realize that the first girl I had ever loved was a cheater, someone only using me for the benefit and simply just letting me carry her around without knowing the truth behind it.

To me, it showed that girls were snakes, just as worse as the boys could be.

It made me distant myself from everything and everyone. Sure I could be pooling in a wave of girls but none of them would ever proper speak to me. Not because I wasn’t interested but because I knew with my profession you wouldn’t see the truth in people.

It’s so easy to lie nowadays and that’s what I’m carrying with. Even if I know it will destroy me in the end.

I was so nervous to knock on the door but I knew that I had too. It was late at night but I knew that the person hiding behind the door would be awake. It was a part of his job to always stay awake when I needed him.

I almost felt small when I had finally done it. It was like my fingers were bruising by the otherwise small touch against the wooden door frame but it was only because I was shaking so much. I wasn’t sure if this was the right idea, I could easily run and hide but not this time. I knew I had fucked up and the only person I knew who to talk to was-,

“Luke?”

The confusion was written on Ashton’s face, his curls were sticking to every direction possible and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Of course he wasn’t expecting visitors to arrive and he seemed pretty tired but once he noticed it was me his eyes widened.

“What is wrong? Is it Y/N?” He asked fully awake and scratched the small bit of sleep that had spread in the corner of his eye.

“I’ve fucked up. Big time.”

It was like I didn’t need to say more. Ashton was quick to open his door and invite me in to the apartment that was not really familiar to me.

I had heard Y/N describe it a few times, how she had managed to make a small cut in the wooden floor but never actually admitted it to Ashton. She was pretty embarrassed by her small clumsy failure but had never dared to tell him. She was only admitting it to me because the guilt was almost biting her up.

“Yeah, Y/N owes me a new floor.” Ashton suddenly said, noticing how I was staring like it was what I was searching for and I was trying not to smile.

“I’ll pay for that.”

“Just like everything else you do for her.”

I knew he wasn’t trying to sound bitter but neither did I want to comment on it. I could imagine how much she must have been backtalking me, explaining how much she hated when I spoiled her because it wasn’t something she stood for. She loved her independence, she loved doing stuff that she earned her own way.

“Is that why you’re here? You ran out of money?” Ashton asked and walked into the kitchen while I slowly leaned against the couch not really knowing what to do with myself.

“Ashton listen I’m not here to have a battle I’m here to talk about Y/N. I know she’s probably said some horrible things about me and she has the right to it but now I’m asking you for forgiveness to actually make up for my mistakes.”

Ashton stopped in track from standing in front of his kitchen counter and looked down at his hands for a second. I wasn’t sure if he was going to continue the insults or change his mind but he sighed heavily.

“I know. It always takes two to a fight and despite I know that you’re one hell of an ass I also know you have a heart. It just takes some time to bring it out from you. Tea?”

I nodded my head in agreement and fell down to his couch. I wasn’t sure what kind of brand it was, most probably IKEA but I was find with it. It had a very comfortable and it had a blanket that I could recall to be egyptian. More maybe just IKEA again. I wasn’t sure.

“I’ve actually got something fancy for your ass. I think it’s from Elizabeth Arden or something green tea.”

“Elizabeth?” I asked just to hear if what I heard was correct and he nodded his head in agreement.

“Would you like some sugar, milk, anything?” He asked while opening a drawer and I nodded my head in agreement.

“Sugar would be fine.” I replied and considered I should stand up and held him but he seemed to not need it.

While he finished boiling the water over the stove and prepare the tea I took a look around his room. It wasn’t large and there was clothes scattered everywhere I assumed it was after his week with his siblings. They could be kind of rough at times and to try clean your clothes would be a hard task when something happened all the time.

“You play drums?” The words seemed to fall past from my lips without realizing and I looked at him with a quivered eyebrow.

“Oh yeah… It’s just an old hobby of mine.” He shrugged and lifted the two mugs from the counter, “I play when I have the time, when I feel inspired and when I know my neighbors are being to annoying. It’s kind of a way to have a sweet escape.”

“I know how it feels.” I nodded my head in agreement and this time it was his turn to quiver an eyebrow.

“I play the piano and guitar. Occasionally sing. Only in the shower mostly. It’s kind of a hobby of mine as well when I don’t yell at people for not doing what I say or buy helicopters.” The last thing was said with a wink in the eye but it wasn’t my intention to be rude or anything which Ashton caught easily.

“Funny Hemmings.” He commented and took a seat on the opposite couch of mine.

I silently laughed but it was replaced with a frown when I came back to reality. Ashton noticed my face expression change and so did his, he was very quick to ask again.

“Please remind me again why you’re here.”

“It’s about Y/N..”

It was an obvious statement and I quietly fiddled with the mug between my fingers. It was a very hot surface but with all the mixed emotions I had it was the last thought I shared. I was almost numb to me.

“I said some stupid things earlier on. Or more likely I’ve said some stupid things but it’s all because I’m scared of everything it was like everything hit me at once after the lamaze class. And no I don’t regret it because I needed this wake up call and I’ve been walking around for weeks preparing for everything but it wasn’t until the end of that class that it hit me hard.”

“That you like Y/N?”

It was silence that fell upon the room by Ashton’s words, but he was straight forward with his attitude. I almost clutched onto the mug with hot liquid and looked at him with wide eyes but I didn’t say anything.

“No becoming a father.” I tried to remain calm in my voice but it was hard because of the coughs.

“Luke there’s no need of denial. I know that you love her and it’s scarring you that she might not like you back.”

I swore if I could be the most confusion person in life this would be it. It was like I was driven onto a road I had no idea where was leading and even though I had just taken a sip of my tea my throat felt more dry than ever. It was almost burning.

“That’s not the point.” I shook my head and needed to change the subject. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about right now.

“The point is that I disappointed her more than I ever have today. I wasn’t supposed to say the things, I didn’t mean all of them but I was so scared they ran past my mouth before I got the chance to control it. I know that I can’t take words back but you’ve seen her in her most vulnerable state and I’m begging you to help me out with this. I know we don’t always get along and I’m not here to say that I will pay you more I’m here because I’m more desperate than ever and you’re the one who can save me.”

I could tell that Ashton did not expect what I was saying. He didn’t even need the full story to understand what was going on. This was the edge of messing everything up and somehow he was the one to change it all, only if he wanted to.

“I’m not pressuring you to anything but this is something so important I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried doing anything I can to prove everything to her, I’ve even started doing the cleaning in the house to make it proud but even though I know it has worked to make us grow closer it’s not something she will she as me asking for her forgiveness.”

“But what do you need help with?” Ashton asked carefully and scratched his light stubble that reminded me I hadn’t shaved mine for days.

“I don’t know! Proving to her…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence because it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have right now. It was something that was in the back of my mind but i didn’t want to think about it, it was just pushed away.

Ashton looked down at me carefully but he was having something on his mind. Either he thought that I was being a mess and completely stupid right now or he thought that I was just really not taking the hint. I was, after all, lacking in a bit situation awareness when it came to her.

“You don’t need to prove anything to her, you don’t need to tell her everything you know about her neither do you need to buy everything that she needs. The only thing you have to do is show that you’re there for her. That you’re there for the baby, that you’re there for when she needs you because she is in one of her most vulnerable states and she can’t do it alone. She cannot do this without you, Luke.”

Living a life where things were so easy to buy I was always taught that less was never more.

But hearing Ashton say these words changed my mind completely. I knew always doing the simple things was what pulled me forward with Y/N and somehow I was always there when she needed it but I wasn’t there to actually let her feel I was there.

“You know Ashton I always believed that you hated me after figuring out that I was the father of Y/N’s baby.” I managed to say after some thinking and he nodded his head in agreement.

“I did.” He honestly said and we both looked down at our feet.

It was the first time it was actually spoken out loud between us. He had known for months that I was the father while I had walked around not being aware that someone besides Y/N knew it. When she told me that she had announced it to him it wasn’t even because I could become sad or angry. I understood her situation and trusted that he would keep her by the word.

Of course that didn’t change my feelings for Ashton, on the contrary. I knew he was hired to protect her of all costs after getting the diamonds because I never knew what would happen to and in the case she needed protection.

I was aware that their friendship had grown to the point of most probably falling for each other but I actually surprised to see that it didn’t go any further after they lived together. And also that she hadn’t changed her thought about him when she moved back to my place.

“I thought you were horrible I thought that she deserved nothing else but to get away from you. You treated her terribly, you didn’t understand the concept of taking care of someone else and the only one on your mind was yourself. You were too self-centered and along with Holly you didn’t cause anything else but trouble. I didn’t think she deserved any of that you treated her.”

I listened carefully word by word and couldn’t avoid the pit in my stomach. God how much she have felt so horrible I almost couldn’t bare it in my heart.

“But you know what? I’ve always listened to what Y/N says I’ve always taken her side and always taken her word over my own. So I learned that even a jerk can have a heart. It just takes some time to pull it out from him. And it takes the right person to prove that there’s love inside of someone. And that’s the thing with everyone, we all have flaws. You’ve been raised differently, you’ve been raised into the man that doesn’t need to show love. You do the opposite when you’re scared because you’re scared of ruining how you’re feeling only based on my bad experiences. But let me tell you something Luke. Don’t be the reason that’s she’s crying. Be the only reason why she’s smiling.”

By those particular words I looked up at blinked twice. The twist in my stomach was gone and the urge to stand up was like a craving. I was tripping on my feet.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to say thank you or not but the hug I gave Ashton seemed to be enough. He was a bit disturbed at first but when I felt him politely hit me twice in the shoulder I moved away with a small smile.

“I can’t change the world, I can’t change my old actions but I can change her mind?”

“Just do the right.” Ashton said as the last thing and followed me towards the door.

I didn’t even get the chance to finish my tea but it was long forgotten. I wasn’t sure for how long I was out but it had almost felt like five minutes. The ride back to the penthouse apartment seemed to take forever even in my fast car.

It wasn’t even with fear I took the long ride up the elevator. In fact I was so impatient I almost considered taking the stairs. But that also meant I would be completely out of breath when I showed up and I couldn’t let that happen.

Not that I had anything planned to say. I had no idea what I was about to do but the only thing that was on my mind was to get back to her as fast as I possibly could.

My heart skipped a beat once I was into the apartment it was like silence hit me at once. I had been running on the adrenaline and the noises around me it all became quiet when I walked inside and saw her.

She was sitting right where I had left her with tears streaming down her eyes it was like she had never stopped. She was clutching onto a white blanket on the couch but she almost dropped it to the ground when she weakly turned around by the sound of the door opening.

None of us said anything for a full minute as I took her all in. It was almost as if she didn’t believe I was standing there like she was just imaging it in her mind.

“L-,Luke?” She could barely let the question out and I swore under my breath I could feel my heart getting shattered.

She didn’t get the chance to say anything before I filled in the steps between us. She was still sitting on the couch stunned, her eyes were red and puffy but I still thought she was more beautiful than ever.

I could tell that she wanted to ask what was going on the confusion was written on her face. But I didn’t say anything. There wasn’t a proper word for this, there wasn’t a proper apology because things couldn’t be cured by words.

When we collide things break. But it’s time to pick up the broken pieces.

“I’m here.” I whispered as I sat down on the couch and wrapped my arms around her.

She was shivering but I in doubt if it was if she was cold. She was quick to press her cheek against my chest I had expected a bit of resistance but this was where she needed to be. It was what she had been needing since the long minutes I had left her.

“I’m right here.”

[fabermemorialrink]

variations on a theme

For NurseyDex Week Day 1 (mutual pining/getting together), posted a day late because I wrote this at the last minute like a fool. Thanks for reading!

“You look good,” Dex says, and it’s not the champagne speaking, because his glass is still fizzing full and his face isn’t as pink as the table centerpiece yet. Which means it must be a feint.

“My tie was stolen,” is the first defense Nursey can scrounge up. At least it’s true; Chowder’s cousin’s daughter is wearing it like a pageant sash over her fluffy yellow dress.

“You can’t call it a crime if you gave it away, Nurse.”

“I was coerced! She sent her goons after me.” He points to the girl’s two older siblings, each probably about six or seven years old. One of them waves shyly when he notices Nursey looking his way.

“Strong-armed by some first graders? Incredible.”

“Hey, I’m a pacifist, man. There’s nothing I could’ve done.”

Dex laughs into his glass before knocking back the whole thing in one gulp like they can still drink the way they did in college. “And here I was, thinking you were some kind of big, tough sports star - Farmer’s sister told me you play that game...what’s it called? Hocking? Hackney?”

“Hackysack,” Nursey says with a modest shrug. “You want a demonstration? We could clear a little spot on the dance floor, use Farmer’s bouquet-”

“Jesus, don’t, you’ll take someone out at the knees.” Dex is laughing again, and Nursey feels that familiar old flutter all over that also has nothing to do with champagne. A few years out from Samwell he had come to terms with the fact that it would never quite fade. Distance and time notwithstanding, because Nursey knows by now that he when he burns, he burns down to the wick.

The reception is nothing like a Haus party, but there’s something reminiscent of those hazy nights where time loses meaning and the present is a blur of heat and music. Maybe it’s just that after all these years, no matter how many people are in the room, Nursey’s eyes still search for every flash of amber and orange, every glimpse of freckled skin and that hesitant smile. Whatever it is, it’s brought back that same old ache.

Here they are again, dressed to the nines and a decade too old to be making alcohol driven mistakes, and Nursey wants nothing more than to lean in and confess one of the thousand iterations of that truth, the one he’s held close to his heart for too damn long. The same one he almost gave away after their last game in junior year (variation 29), and graduation day (variation 4), and that itinerant night in the city when Dex’s plane wasn't leaving until 5 a.m. the next morning (variation 41).

Variation 26 tickles at the back of Nursey’s throat - you remember that time we got locked outside the Haus on Christmas Eve and we realized we’d have to hibernate in the library stacks for the winter, and you promised you wouldn't eat my kidneys to survive - but he swallows it down, because all these truths end the same way, and he knows he can't say those words tonight. A hundred and more chances over the last ten years, and they've never been spoken yet. Tonight's no different.

He defaults to what he knows: the safe ground between chirping and sentimentality. “Alright, then come dance with me, Poindexter,” he demands, already mapping how the conversation will play out.

As he expects, Dex declines. “I don’t know this song,” he claims, leaning back in his chair, and for once it's not a lie.

“Just because it's in Portuguese doesn't mean you can't feel the rhythm,” Nursey counters, and Dex flicks a burst of silver confetti at him, smiling when it clings to his jacket even after he tries to brush it off.

“I thought I didn't have any rhythm, Nursey. Or so you've told me about fifty times.”

“It's never too late to learn?”

“I’m not taking lessons from you, Mr. Six-weeks-in-a-cast Eight-weeks-on-crutches.”

“What if I asked?” Farmer, now dressed in her teal wedding cheongsam instead of her white gown, leans down between the two of them, grinning when they hurry to straighten in their seats. “How about it? A dance with the bride?” She holds out a hand to Dex, who doesn't even put up a token protest before accepting.

“I know better than to turn you down.”

“Try not to step on her too much,” Nursey says as she leads him out to the floor, and Dex calls back, “Don't worry, I'll save it all for you.”

Nursey isn't left watching them long before the groom drops down into Dex’s vacated seat. “She stole your man, huh?” Chowder asks, throwing his arm around the back of Nursey’s chair. He looks flushed and happy, and Nursey loves it.

“More like I stole hers,” Nursey says, leaning over to plant a wet kiss on Chowder’s cheek. C snickers, enveloping him in a one-armed hug before reaching out to steal the last smidgen of icing from Lardo’s abandoned plate.

“So, have you taken advantage of your connecting rooms yet?” he asks brightly, and Nursey sighs, because they've been having this same ongoing battle forever.

“You know I didn't.”

Chowder isn't deterred. “I should’ve put you two in the same room. Just like old times!”

“Chris, you know that would've literally killed me.”

“Yeah, which is why I didn't. But seriously,” Chowder says, “and I know you're sick of hearing this, but just this once, as a wedding present to me, can't you take a chance and ask?” He’s as patient as he is every time he tries, but like each instance before, Nursey shakes his head.

“Not tonight. It’s not the right time.”

“It never is. Why not tonight? What’s your excuse this time?” Chowder doesn’t sound unkind, but he isn’t letting Nursey off easy again.

Nursey turns, and without exception his attention is drawn through the crowd to Dex, who spins Farmer slowly across the floor. He’s softer now in some ways than he was in college, a settled confidence in the way he carries himself that he didn’t find until a few years after they first met. When he and Farms turn again, he meets Nursey’s eyes, and it brings the slightest of smiles to his face. Variation 33 comes to mind (I was a magnet for mosquito bites, you were a magnet for fireflies, and I learned to love summer too), and Nursey knows for sure why he can’t tonight.

“It’s not what I’m looking for,” he tells Chowder, trying to keep the yearning in his voice subdued. “What, we hook-up at the hotel, then fly back home and don’t see each other for another five months, and I just have to hope that magically I’ll have gotten over him by then? It’s not an itch to scratch, C, you know that. It’s either all in or nothing at all.”

He could handle never knowing, just burning eternal on his own regrets and missed chances. But he could never pretend his feelings are less than they really are.

Chowder nods thoughtfully, considering his words. “Okay, that makes sense. But you’re both in town tomorrow too, right? If not tonight, then tomorrow morning. Skip brunch - I’ll cover for you - and go do something together. Finally go on that date you never did ask for.”

Nursey snorts, dragging a finger through the condensation on his glass, watching droplets melt away the frost. “And after? Even if he says yes-”

“He will. And after, you’ll figure it out. You guys really don’t live that far from each other,” Chowder scolds. “If you’re really all in, you’ll find a way.”

It sounds nice in theory, but Chowder’s forgetting one important point.

“Sure, I’m all in, but Dex-”

“Derek.” Chowder puts a stern hand on his shoulder, staring hard into his eyes. “You're going to tell me honestly, because I'm your best friend and I love you - do you really think you're the only one who’s been pining stupidly away for the last ten years? Can you really look me in the eye and say that you’ve never once, not for a moment, noticed that Dex looks at you the same way you look at him?”

Nursey hesitates a split second too long, because he can't, not if he's being absolutely honest. And that's what always gets him, that's why he hasn't let go. Because the possibility was always greater than zero, and so he held on hope that one day it would be the right time, the perfect moment. That singular point when everything they wanted and everything they were could finally align with each other.

Chowder notices, because he always does, and he sits back to give Nursey some space to think. They sit quietly, watching the festivities around them, and Chowder muses aloud to Nursey, “You know, all those reasons you think you shouldn't be together...they don't stand a chance against the reasons why you should. You don’t think Cait and I ever had doubts? Or problems, or stupid fights?” His brown eyes soften unexpectedly, and he bumps his fist against Nursey’s arm. “But we knew we were it for each other, and we made it work. I’m pretty sure you two stubborn jerkasses can work it out too. If for no reason other than to spite me.”

And of course Nursey knows that relationships take work, that love can't sustain itself without effort, and that thought isn't as terrifying as he figured it might be. He's good at hard work. And Dex makes him feel like it would be worth it. Worth the culmination of years and years of quiet pining.

There’s a reason he always finds himself rewriting the same lines to this poem, these feelings that exist in infinite variation.

“How do you always make your way sound so reasonable?” Nursey asks, feigning a frown, and Chowder pulls him to his feet, knowing that he’s won.

“Because at least one of us has to be the sensible one, and after freshman year it was obviously me. Now, I'm gonna go dance with my wife, then check on my team, and you are going to finally do what you've been putting off for too long.”

“Alright. Fuck, I'm doing this.” Chowder beams, and Nursey pulls him into a tight hug. “Congratulations again, bro. You and Cait really deserve each other, and I'm so happy for you two.”

“Thanks, Nursey. You ready?”

They come upon Dex and Farmer talking to some of her former SWV teammates, and Chowder whisks her away after thanking everyone there. Nursey feels awkward breaking up the conversation but Dex follows him off to the side without thinking twice, and they end up milling near the doorway, away from the crowds.

“I didn't step on any toes, but I did have some small children point and laugh at me, so I'm not sure if I can consider this a win,” Dex says ruefully, and Nursey feels the tension inside him dissolve when he laughs. This is just Dex, he reminds himself. This doesn't have to be difficult. Things haven’t been difficult since they turned 21 and almost threw up their fishbowl specials on each other outside the last existing Burger King in southern Mass.

“I told you, bro, kids are vicious. Mean little fuckers.”

Dex watches him sidelong for a second before the corner of his mouth twitches up. “You can’t fool me. Kids love you.”

“They love tormenting me, yes.” Nursey swoons dramatically against the wall, and Dex taps his ankle with his foot.

“Liar. I know you’re a cool uncle; I recognize my own kind.”

“You’ve never been cool a single day in your life, William.”

“Don’t even start with me, Derek.”

Dex bumps their shoulders and Nursey is flashing back to senior year: on the ice and under the arena lights, back to the boards and Dex and C wrapped around him as noise envelopes them. Then (with you, I’m invincible), just as now (you pretend you don’t give my name away like a gift), he wants to lay it bare, spill his secrets out in whatever form comes first to him.

Now. Now is the time. He just has to do what Chowder suggested.

He takes a breath. Swallows it down. Pushes out the extraneous words that sprout like white clover under his tongue, because he needs to keep this simple.

Before he can get the first words out, Dex speaks up. “Hey. Are you busy tomorrow?” He’s looking at the dance floor instead of at Nursey.

“Um, I was putting some serious thought into brunch,” Nursey answers mindlessly, scrambling to recoup the plan. “But I could be free. I mean, I can become available, if you, like, had plans or whatevs.”

Dex stops watching Rans and Holster gathering Chow cousins for a conga line, and settles his gaze on Nursey, his whiskey gold eyes studying him for a moment longer before he speaks again.

“Yeah? You want in on my plans or whatevs?” he mocks gently, nose crinkling under his grin, and Nursey remembers again what it was all this time that kept his fire lighted.

“Sure, somebody should make sure you actually let loose and have some fun in the sun.”

“Well, you’re in luck. I’m actually kind of in the market for a date right now, so if you’re up for it, the job is yours.”

Nursey starts agreeing before he parses the whole sentence. “Okay, I can- wait. What? A date?”

Dex is doing his best to appear unimpressed, but Nursey can tell he’s fighting not to look amused. “That’s what I said. I don’t know if you know, but I’m pretty single right now? And I figured, you know, I’m single, you’re single-”

“Uh,” Nursey says, because all the conversational straws are slipping from his fingers right now and he can’t snap them up quickly enough to figure out what the fuck is happening. Meanwhile, Dex has begun ticking off reasons on his fingers.

“-we’re both free, I’ve been hung up on you since the end of sophomore year - Christ, and wasn’t that a lifetime ago - you’re still as fuckin’ stunning as ever, not that that’s the only reason I’ve been carrying a torch the size of a forest fire-”

“Wait, hold on a sec-”

“-so, yeah, I mean I was practically wearing a neon ‘please notice me’ sign all through undergrad, but it’s my own fault for never coming out and just saying it, right? That might not have worked anyway, you know I was never good at words like you-”

“William J. Poindexter, shut the fuck up for a second and let me think,” Nursey says, slapping his hand over Dex’s mouth. Dex rolls his eyes, but remains uncharacteristically still, waiting for Nursey to get on his level.

Once Nursey finishes picking out the keywords from Dex’s rambling explanation, which was practically all of them, he removes his hand and promptly tries to occupy his fingers so it isn’t so obvious how much they’re fidgeting.

“In the market for a date, eh?” is what he’s apparently stuck on, which, seeing as it’s literally the first sentence of many, means he hasn’t quite absorbed the exact ramifications of everything else Dex just told him.

Dex shrugs, his own hands twitching nervously at his sides. “I mean, where ‘date’ is a synonym for ‘committed long term relationship with my hopeless forever crush,’ then sure, it’s accurate.”

Even more keywords! Very revealing ones! Damn, Nursey probably owes Chowder both his life savings and his firstborn.

“Oh, shit, you had- have a crush. On me. Forever.” Nursey knows he sounds like a starstruck idiot, but he can work with this. Dex looks both pained and endeared to whatever dumb face he’s making. “Yo, does anyone else know?”

“That’s the first thing you ask me?”

“Humor me? I’m still working through the rest of it.” He gives Dex his most winsome smile, the one that he knows can melt hearts. The best it earns for him here is a fondly put-upon sigh.

“Yeah, there might be a few people who know. Probably exactly who you think they are. One of them told me that I needed to get my shit together and stop wasting the best years of my life wishing instead of doing.”

They turn away from each other long enough to see Chowder and Farmer swaying back and forth together, radiant and rapturous.

“Funny. I got a very similar speech a few minutes ago,” Nursey admits, and Dex laughs under his breath. “Thank god at least some of us have some sense.”

“We really lucked out, meeting C.”

“Nah, I think it’s more like a sign that the universe wanted us to be happy.”

Dex watches the happy couple with a wistful sort of joy before looking back at Nursey just as softly. “So what do you say? Can I take you out tomorrow?”

Nursey’s been waiting on these words for so long that he’s surprised his heart isn’t doing cartwheels as he answers. Instead, he just feels like he’s finally finished re-reading a beloved book. “Well, you know me, I always want in on your plans, but I guess it depends. Can I take you home the next day?”

And every day after that goes unspoken, but Nursey knows Dex understands.

“Yeah, I think I can make that work,” Dex replies, aglow with happiness, and Nursey has already started composing variation 167, but it can wait for another night. Dex is taking his hand, and pulling him back across the room as the first notes of a new song fill the air.

“I think I owe you a dance,” Dex says, and Nursey smiles.

[junker-town]

The Top Whatever: Oklahoma’s No. 1 because Baker Mayfield will light you up with a fullback, if need be

A weekly ranking of only the teams that must be ranked, and not a single team more. (If you’re looking for the top 25 polls, they’re over here.)

1. Oklahoma

The entire point of the Top Whatever is to only talk about the teams you want to talk about, based on what they did this week. So it’s time to talk about Oklahoma and how you do not ever want to piss off Baker Mayfield in a revenge or underdog game scenario, ever, because he will beat you 31-16 at home, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

On the road, without a game-breaking receiver or running back to lean on, and playing against a defense stocked with nothing but four- and five-star talent, Mayfield singlehandedly beat the Ohio State Buckeyes. That’s a dramatic conclusion for a game played as a team sport, but it’s the only place to end up after watching.

There are numbers, if you want them. His run game didn’t average three yards a carry; his offensive line did their best, but still allowed pressure in the pocket from Sam Hubbard and the rest of the Buckeyes’ front seven; his leading receiver was Dimitri Flowers, an H-back/fullback hybrid who, 30 years ago, would have been cracking heads with a linebacker on I-formation run plays. The Sooners won, and their leading receiver was a fullback.

That happened in part because Lincoln Riley, the first year head coach and former offensive coordinator, coached circles around whatever the Ohio State defense was trying to do. When the fullback hits you for receiver yardage, tight ends keep popping up uncovered down field, and motions and fakes free receivers gliding down the seams, you’re being outschemed. Ohio State has a serious problem in its secondary, true — Indiana putting up big yardage proved that — but it takes real creativity to allow 386 passing yards to a team without dominant receiving threats. The Sooners coaching staff deserves some credit there.

It also happened because Mayfield was not only insanely accurate, but insanely confident. He kept plays alive with his feet, often by staying within the pocket, playing hopscotch with rushers until someone broke free. Mayfield did little on the ground in terms of numbers, finishing with minus five yards himself, but that wasn’t the point. His ability to escape pressure showed up in receiving yards down the field,.

On the drive to put OU up 17-13 in the third, Mayfield rolled out, evaded a defensive end, and laced a pass to receiver Mykel Jones over and through coverage he a.) created by rolling right, drawing the defense just a few precious feet forward and b.) beat with a perfect pass he ripped off on the run.

He was flawless, and it should have been so much worse. It really should have been so much worse, Ohio State. The Sooners fumbled twice in the first half, killing early scoring opportunities. The Sooners outgained Ohio State by 140 yards.

The Buckeyes’ offense reverted to 2016 form, with an inability to generate anything like a vertical passing game. A quick review of the tape reveals no one was open, but that’s not really an excuse, is it? After all, Oklahoma tore y’all up with a fullback. To be fair: he looked just as surprised as you were, which is just one of the things that made this game so much fun to watch.

Oklahoma’s No. 1 this week; possibly better teams who bore me aren’t.

2. Alabama

Beat Fresno State 41-10, still basically scrimmaging for the next two weeks until they play Vanderbilt, then Ole Miss. Maybe Alabama is scrimmaging for the next month, actually, now that I wrote it all down like that.

3. Lamar Jackson

A 47-35 win over UNC might be Lamar Jackson’s most impressive game yet: controlled in the pocket, measured with his scrambles, distributing the ball well, and yet still capable of breathtaking athleticism. The real terror is that Jackson had over 500 yards of offense by himself, accounted for six TDs, but still seems like he’s rising up the ladder of his potential.

The only quibble might be noting that UNC’s defense is so bad, it lost to Cal at home, and at this point seems more like an accomplice than something designed to stop anyone. Still: Any ranking should list Lamar Jackson. Louisville is along for the ride, and he’s steering.

4. Clemson

A 14-6 win over Auburn straight from bowels of bad, dark, 1980s SEC games. Let’s not talk about it any more than is absolutely necessary. Clemson QB Kelly Bryant played reasonably well against a vicious Auburn defense, the Clemson run game needs serious work, and Clemson’s talented and coming along. That’s about what everyone should expect of a retooling national champion, and everyone should remain really reasonable about this, as long as they’re facing offenses as bad as Auburn’s.

Auburn’s offense has caught some kind of wasting disease. It had 117 total yards, 23 of them on a single play. Every single play from this game on official Auburn game footage should be erased. Jarrett Stidham should assume a new identity. Everyone should start their lives over. You never watched this game, and neither did I.

5. USC

Get up here, Trojans. It’s possible to imagine USC outgunning Stanford in a shootout, but the shocking thing about a 42-24 win over the Cardinal in the Coliseum? USC ran all over, had two rushers go for over 100 yards each, and effectively ended the game by mashing out Stanford in the fourth quarter. The Trojan defense did so well, Stanford ended up passing 28 times and running just 26 times, which is antithetical to pretty much everything modern Stanford football considers holy.

Sam Darnold threw for four TDs and bounced back from a mediocre game against Western Michigan; Ronald Jones II runs like he hates you, and that is why you should love him.

6. Michigan

Not sweating an often frustrating, 36-14 win over Cincinnati because a.) Cincy’s defense is going to frustrate a lot of people this year, b.) Michigan’s offense was going to be a work in progress this season, and c.) Cincy did cut the lead to 17-14 in the third quarter, but the Wolverines took control and pulled away nicely.

They’re not perfect; it’s just that playing Florida’s offense can make you look that way. Michigan is learning on the job, and that means mistakes, and if you’re going to make them, you want to make them against Cincinnati, and not, yanno, an increasingly dangerous Purdue in two weeks. Yes, I typed “increasingly dangerous Purdue.” That’s a thing now, and we’ll all have to get used to it.

7. Penn State

It’s so hard to decide what to take away from beating a team like Pitt 33-14. Penn State let Pitt dominate time of possession, but also allowed only 14 points. They got turnovers off Pitt, but judging from Max Browne’s armpunts on Saturday, that isn’t too hard? They won easily and didn’t get Saquon Barkley hurt, and that counts for a rousing success in a potentially tricky non-conference game in Week 2.

Also, they blew up a Pitt screen for a safety. That’s just our way of saying Pitt ran a screen in their own end zone and that no one should ever stop laughing about it.

8. Virginia Tech

A learning experience for young QB Josh Jackson in a 27-0 win over the Blue Hens of Delaware. The learning is that scoring more than 30 points against even Delaware is really, really hard if you can’t run the ball. Eighty-one team rushing yards against an FCS team is NOT confidence-inspiring — but it’s definitely learning.

9. Oklahoma State

Nothing to note from a situationally strange — who goes to South Alabama? — but otherwise breezy, 44-7 blowout of the USA Jaguars. The Pokes haven’t played a bit of bad football through two games against inferior competition, and they also really haven’t played anyone. Oklahoma State plays Pitt in Week 3 and TCU in Week 4, so ... yeah, you’ll have to wait on how they look against TCU for a real look at their potential.

Note: Pitt held the ball for almost 40 minutes against Penn State, picked up 24 first downs, and only scored 14 points. Pitt is running the Terrence Malick offense right now: it might not have a lot of points, but it will take forever to get to them.

10. Wisconsin

Twenty-nine first downs and a procedural, 31-14 crushing of FAU. How do you get 29 first downs and only score 31 points? SHOW US THE SEX.

ESPN

DON’T RUSH TO THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE, YOU MIGHT BREAK A SWEAT

AHHHHHHH, that’s the sex. Wisconsin also turned the ball over twice, killing two scoring opportunities, but for the most part, the Badgers just lined up and power cleaned FAU’s defense for three hours. Wisconsin doesn’t believe in doing cardio, and results to this point more than back up that belief.

11. Georgia?

The question mark is for “what is beating Notre Dame worth?” in a sloppy 20-19 game that was less gunfight, and more two people with guns taking turns shooting themselves in the feet in front of an audience. Still a win, and the impressive parts were holding Notre Dame to under 300 yards and eking out enough on offense with backup quarterback Jake Fromm starting on the road.

12. LSU

45-10 over UT-Chattanooga. In the absence of any useful information from this game, here is an Etch-A-Sketch portrait of Ed Orgeron.

okay, as requested by @PFTCommenter: ed orgeron pouring a redbull zero into mike the tiger's dish http://pic.twitter.com/RZXi6zTFMa

— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) September 10, 2017

13. Washington

Beat FCS Montana, 63-7.

Still shook from watching the Huskies get dominated along the line by Rutgers, which just gave Eastern Michigan its first-ever win against a Power 5 team. EMU QB Brogan Roback has a transitive respectable showing against the Huskies now, and I’m not comfortable with that at all.

ANYONE ELSE?

No, and being undefeated isn’t enough to get mentioned, because 2-0 is undefeated right now. Washington State is undefeated. If you watched whatever that triple OT game against Boise State at 2:30 a.m. ET on Sunday was, then you understand exactly what I mean by this.