#did tumblr send me a mental health care bot because of this

[venture4treasure]

“It’s like Drowning”

Words: 1516

Premise: Suicidal!Reader makes an attempt at taking their own life. Venture is there and does their best to make things better. 

Warnings: Suicide Attempt, Mental breakdown, Drowning, Self-deprecation, Hospital

Venture sat in a chair pulled up beside your hospital bed. They rested their head on the bed rails and tucked their hand underneath their head. They stared at your sleeping form. According to the doctors, you were stable and you just needed to wake up. And you had woken up a couple of times, the nurses said – you’d woken up and gone right back to sleep is what your vitals had indicated. 

Each time you stirred, Venture would sit up, hopeful that you’d finally want to wake up. It took an incredible amount of self-control for them to not shake you or crack a joke to get you to open your eyes. But they figured you’d been through so much already, that you should just wake up on your own time. So, they waited. 

They took brief breaks from all but guarding your bed to take care of themselves – because you hated when they were ever sacrificing their health for you. They also routinely brought more and more of your plushies, pillows, and blankets to you. They placed them around you on your bed so when you woke up, it’d be a little less like a hospital and maybe a little more like home. Especially, if you woke up when they weren’t around, they needed you to know you were on their mind and they were thinking about you. And that you aren’t alone. 

Right now, there was nothing left to do. The moon hung high in the sky and lit up the room. The lights of your room had long been turned off for the night. They reached to rest their hand atop yours, and thank god your hands are warm. Because despite what machines can tell them, the warmth of your body and breath will always be more reassuring. They cringe as memories of that night resurface in their mind. 

They had felt something was off – something was really off. In their heart, they knew they had to check on you, they had to see you. When they’d rushed home, they found your scrawled notes and apologies in a handwriting messier than usual and they knew. They called 911 in a heartbeat, shared everything they could about your possible whereabouts and then immediately threw on a jacket to find you. 

You had taken a jump off a nearby railroad bridge, you’d left your phone and coat there. Venture had found your items and took to immediately scaling down the side of the valley to get to the river shore. It wasn’t the safest maneuver, but traversing rocky terrain is part of their job and they were willing to risk it for you. They also updated the authorities on the situation. 

They found you first, and you were so cold. The frigid wind and water didn’t help at all. Without missing a beat, they wrapped you in their coat and began chest compressions. When you finally coughed up water, albeit reactively instead of consciously, and took some shallow breaths. They almost cried. 

You were rushed away in an ambulance, nurses and doctors told them they had done everything right, and if they hadn’t acted, you probably wouldn’t have survived. It made them shudder, the idea that if they had just swept aside their gut instinct the whole situation would have been very different.

Venture was startled back to the present when they felt your hand close around theirs. 

You made a series of wordless noises, your face scrunching up in discomfort. Venture gently squeezes your hand back, silently encouraging you to try and wake up. 

You eventually blink awake after struggling with the gross feeling of consciousness. You’re met with the blank ceiling of the hospital room, you recognize those lights and groan. You notice the familiar plushies at the edge of your vision and turn to take a better look at them. Venture catches your gaze and they smile brightly. 

“Hi,” they excitedly greet, trying to keep the volume of their voice down. 

You try to respond, but it comes out as unintelligible mumbling and eventually coughing. Venture immediately helps you sit up and holds a bottle of water for you to drink. 

“I’m sorry…” you eventually decide to say, hands nervously holding the water bottle in your lap. You can’t bring yourself to meet their eyes.

“No apologies, I’m just glad you’re here,” they smile softly. 

“I just-”

Venture hushes you, stepping across the room to retrieve and microwave a takeout container for you. When they return to your side with the warm food and utensils, you stare at them in disbelief and guilt. 

“It’s your favourite,” they add. 

You held the warm container, letting the heat seep into your hands. 

“I don’t deserve this”.

“Yes you do,” Venture corrects, “eat something, it’ll make you feel better. And then we can talk about whatever you want, okay?” Despite it being phrased as a question, you can tell there’s no changing their mind.

The food tastes amazing, you didn’t realize how starved you were until you started eating. While you ate, Venture pulled out their phone to show you pictures and share some stories. 

“My old coworker got a cat and sent me this picture of her, she’s so silly,” Venture laughs, showing you the picture of an orange cat, sprawled out on her back with her paws in the air.

You giggle a bit at the cat and Venture visibly brightens hearing your laugh. It encouraged them to look for even more cat-related pictures on their phone. 

They show you a video of a beautiful cat walking down a sidewalk while being cast in the golden light of a sunset. 

“I saved this one cause it reminded me of you!” 

“Flatterer,” you huff lightheartedly. 

“It’s true!” Venture insists. They began to point out all the similarities between you and this cat for the rest of the time you ate. 

By the time you were done eating, your face burned with embarrassment and hurt from smiling. Venture has never failed to surprise you with all the things they adore about you – you don’t even think about half the things they mentioned. 

You finished about half the meal, before calling it. You set the takeout on your bedside table and picked up a plushie, placing it in your lap and playing with it absentmindedly as your smile faded. Venture could tell the change in the air and set aside their phone to give you their attention. 

“I just felt so empty. Like there was no direction in my life at all. All my friends are chasing their dreams, and I don’t even have one. And you,” you glance up at Venture, “you are living your dream, your passion for archeology is so infectious”.  

You take a shaky breath, “and what do I have? I work a meaningless nine-to-five, it doesn’t even pay that well. All I do is force myself to get through the empty days to get to the moments where I can spend them with friends or you”. 

“I’m so tired,” you cry, tears dripping onto your hospital gown, “it doesn’t feel worth it some days- like, when I get to be happy, I’m so happy and it feels worth it. But every day in between is so miserable and…” your words dissolve into sobs. 

Venture leans over to hold you the best they can over the bed railing, they trace shapes on your back to comfort you as you cry into them. Their heart breaks hearing you cry, and their mind races with possible solutions to your problem. Realistically, they know they can’t help you to the extent you need – they’re not a medical professional. But they think they can make you feel better at least. 

When your crying slows down, you pull away, wiping your eyes with your arm. You apologize again. 

Venture reaches for your hand, holding it with care. 

“What if you came to my expeditions with me?” They silenced the alarm in their brain telling them their job is not safe – clearly, you weren’t safe here either. 

“It’s not the most comfortable place to be living, and we hardly have any luxury compared to city life, but you’d be able to see me every day!” they start to ramble, “and I don’t mean that as in I need to see you because I don’t trust you… I just think maybe you’d find it more bearable”.

You stare at them in awe, that did sound nice. 

“I would like to, but,” you think out loud, airing out your anxieties. 

“I wouldn’t have a job”.

“I can pay for everything, if you’re comfortable with that”. 

“You work with a team”.

“My crew would be happy to have you! Promise!” 

“What if I don’t like it- I mean, I think I would, but…”

“Then we will try something else, nothing is permanent”. 

You soon run out of qualms to have with their plan, “my therapist won't like this idea.” 

“I’m sure she can be convinced,” Venture grins. 

You sniffle a laugh, “Okay, okay. You win. You make a compelling argument”. 

Author’s Note: You’re technically supposed to remove all wet clothing from a person to prevent hypothermia, but I did not know how to write that in, so I guess Venture just did not know better. 

The pain of realizing a few scenes and wanting to write about them, but also having to write everything in between. Also, this was meant to be a couple hundred works max, I just can’t help it.

[starberry-cupcake]

To add to the pile of questionable tumblr behavior as of late, and as a psa at large:

I searched a mental health related tag last week and I got immediately a message from a bot called Koko. It intended to put me through to "people who are interested in mental health topics". In this tumblr message format, they didn't immediately facilitate hotlines, specific mental health care services or professional help, just "people".

I didn't respond to it. It's a bot. I didn't block it because I was interested to see where it would lead, but I didn't talk back. In the following days, it kept sending me messages, trying to get me to use their service.

Among the messages, they told me how it works, not that I had asked:

So, it sounds like a recipe for disaster in the making to me. My personal mental health information being passed through random tumblr users and getting a reply from someone who, not only isn't a professional or part of any sort of mental health care group I could get informed about, but they also will provide unsupervised answers to topics of great importance to someone who was looking into related tags.

But, tumblr user thewindandthewolves seems to endorse it, so let's check them out and see what they have to say.

Well. I'm posting the responses in chronological order, but I guess the raving review from a tumblr user was actually a kid who didn't give them consent to use their words as endorsement. Great look.

Today, I got a new message. Again, unprompted.

Second review person has apparently deleted their blog, so no background information on that one. If that's you, let us know.

I decided to look at their blog and read people's comments on their posts. The tumblr userbase came through with the receipts and linked this very detailed article about not only the bot and its founder but the sketchy study it uses as a foundation:

Here's an important quote from this article regarding the study in which Koko is founded as a clear notion of what consent means to them:

Morris [Koko's founder] declined to say whether he thought the subjects had meaningfully consented to the study. He told Motherboard that his goal was to establish a new best practice, where he would be able to transparently show his results to social media platforms. However, when asked if he felt that the experiment was transparent to the participants involved, he said he’d needed more time to think about it. 

It's not a tough one to respond to, Morris.

I suggest you to please read the whole article but the way in which these people perform verbal gymnastics to try to justify the lack of consent from people involved is alarming.

About Tumblr's involvement, the article didn't get comments from them on it:

Stony Brook's IRB [Institutional Review Board] and multiple people tasked with overseeing the IRB did not respond to multiple emails from Motherboard about the study or the process. Facebook, Discord, and Tumblr responded to Motherboard’s initial emails but did not provide comment. Telegram did not respond to Motherboard’s request for comment. 

The article also read the fine print of the Terms of Service, the only thing they provide as any type of consent to users, and the previous situation of using tumblr user posts without them knowing is illuminated further:

The current dynamic between Koko and its users more closely parallels the relationship between most tech companies and their users than that between a mental health provider and patient. Its Terms of Service, for instance, state that, “You grant Koko a fully paid, royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, non-exclusive, transferable and fully sublicensable right (including any moral rights) and license to use, license, distribute, reproduce, modify, adapt, prepare derivative works of, publicly perform, publicly display, and otherwise fully exploit Your Content.” 

As an editor, that sounds more like a US release agreement form for intellectual property, which should not be used as any form of mediation for personal data. It also alarms me to no end that the "Content" in question, in the example we have was, according to OP, a post they had made on their own blog about Kokobot and not a response or quote provided to Kokobot itself which, in tow, signifies that the data collected could come from anywhere and not only what you actively provide them. But what do I know.

I did more digging by myself and found even more articles denouncing the behavior of this bot and company, this being another interesting one:

This one included the following thing about the peer-counseling aspect of it and the use of AI to craft the supposed "people" responses:

During the AI experiment—which applied to about 30,000 messages, according to Morris—volunteers providing assistance to others had the option to use a response automatically generated by OpenAI's GPT-3 large language model instead of writing one themselves (GPT-3 is the technology behind the recently popular ChatGPT chatbot).

Apparently, Koko has been around for a while, with articles discussing it as far as, at least, 2017. Still, I had never before received unprompted, unwanted, invasive messages from it on tumblr until now.

If you post or search tags related to mental health, it's very likely that you'll get this bot in your messages or you already have. There are many layers of breach of ethics in this situation, in my opinion, each one worse than the last one.

Before using it or sharing any information at all (with any bot ever), I'd advice you to look into it beforehand. I know we are the "trust no bots" website and the fake ladybots have taught us well on how to spot them and protect ourselves, but this one in particular seems very dangerous to me.

I can't talk about whether or not this has helped anybody, I'm not coming anywhere near it, but the sole concept of this sounds like a bad idea. The advice provided doesn't seem to come from selected professionals the platform is endorsing legally but by random people (and/or AI) who are not only not trained for it, they aren't being compensated for work made for a program, which is probably making good money out of all the social media platforms it's working with. It also allows them to not be responsible for the advice given, to some extent.

Even if people with mental health concerns can discuss things between them in very productive and helpful ways, there isn't genuinely transparent communication if it's anonymously mediated by a company and there isn't a proper professional care that can accompany them from someone who is trained to facilitate it. You can talk to a friend without having to provide data to a company that could identify you since, according to the first article:

There is, further, no easy way to wall the collection of such data off from actual subjects, as anonymized datasets can often still be traced back to specific individuals. (A 2019 study found that 99.98 percent of Americans could be correctly re-identified in any dataset using 15 demographic attributes.) This is why privacy experts have been vocal about the exploitation of data privacy and the unreliability of an anonymous dataset. 

I'm not here to tell anyone what to do or not to do but I'm here to share this because I know that I would appreciate the information if someone else had come across it instead. Make decisions with all the information you can get.

Throwing a wild idea for the hellsite but maybe staff and ceo should be a little less occupied in persecuting trans folk and more into reading the fine print of the unethical companies they're signing with, who are exploiting their userbase's mental health, especially that of literal children whose quotes are being used to endorse their business without any legal consent, aside from a terribly worded TOS. But what do I know.

[connor-murphy-trash]

Connor Murphy X Reader

AN: I have been having a rough past few days so I wanted some Connor fluff. This is roughly based on how my girlfriend and I met, online and in person. So for me, this is double the fluff. It brought up a lot of memories. So this is dedicated to her. I hope you enjoy! (Its also almost 3:30 am so I’m sorry if anything is worded weirdly or anything haha)

TW: Brief mentions of mental illness/suicidal thoughts and being high (It does not go into any details of any of these)

Word Count: 1,548 (I got a bit carried away oops)

Type: Fluff

You and Connor met online

Tumblr to be exact

When he started following you

You checked out his blog to make sure he wasn’t some creep or porn bot

You found that you both posted similar stuff

And you had a lot of the same interests and hobbies

So you followed back

A few days later

Connor was a bit depressed and wanted to talk to someone

So he didn’t feel so alone

But he didn’t really have any real life friends he could just randomly hit up

And the ones he could have were all busy

So he decided to DM you

He didn’t expect to get a response

Why would you want to talk to a random person on the internet?

Little did he know you were also depressed and lonely that day

So you guys started talking a bit more over the next few days

You learned a lot about each other

One of those things was that you lived only 3 hours away from each other

You expected him to say he was from across the country or something

So you thought it was cool that if you wanted you could meet up so easily

But at this point, you didn’t know each other anywhere near well enough to even be thinking about that

Over the course of the next few weeks, you two grew extremely close

Honestly, you were developing a slight crush on Connor

Okay, maybe more than just a slight crush

So much so that

Your heart would go “akajidnsjkyuso” everytime you heard your Tumblr DMs go off

And you would rush to your phone

All you wanted to do was talk to him

Connor understood you and your troubles more than anyone

You could send him a huge rant at 2 am

And he would be right there to help you through whatever issue you were dealing with

Whether it was mental health issues

Or family drama

Or anything at school

He would listen and try to help

He cared when no one else did

And you did the exact same thing for him

You made him feel so special

Like he was wanted

Like he was needed

You never belittled him for his bad thoughts or actions

Whenever he thought he might do something stupid

You would talk him down

You were each other's main support systems

One day you posted something on your blog being like

“Wow I love being so unloveable”

Or something like that

You were depressed and lonely

And just ranting

But Connor was a bit high when he saw that

So he decided to send you an anonymous ask

“I have the biggest crush on you. You probably won't ever feel the same about me, but you are loved.”

To say you were shooketh™,

Was an understatement

You responded by asking them to come off anon so you could talk and get to know them

That kinda scared Connor

He didn’t think it through fully

He didn’t want to make things weird

But he did want you to know

He decided this was a convo sober Connor should be having instead

So he put off telling you

“Just until I’m sober tomorrow”

But the next day first thing in the morning

You texted Connor

Freaking out

Your parents just surprised you with tickets to see your favorite band in concert

Of course, your first thought was to text Connor

He loved the band too and he would be so happy for you

So you told him

And he was like

“Holy shit when is the show?”

So you told him

And he just said

“Fuck you, stop messing with me”

And you were just like

“???” Why would I fuck with you about this?”

“You found out that that was the show I was going too and you are trying to fuck with me and say you are going to be there.”

To say the least,

You fucking S C R E A M E D

Because omg

You were both going to the same concert

Not only were you going to be in the same room as your favorite band

But also your online friend/crush

You were ten times more excited now

Also ten times more nervous

What if you met up and he decided he didn’t like you and didn’t want to be friends anymore?

He was having the same thoughts run through his head

Thank god high Connor didn’t tell you it was him who has the crush on you

You would meet up and think he was weird and creepy

Anyways

You both pushed away your anxieties and made plans to meet up

You were going to be with your best friend and he was going alone

You planned on meeting up in line to get in

You both were going to be there early to try and get a good spot in the front

But you didn’t see him at all while waiting

You texted him and said he was at a dead stop in traffic

He was freaking out

He didn’t want to miss the one chance he had to see you

Eventually, they opened the doors and let everyone in

You got fairly close to the front

But not right next to the stage

It wasn’t until the very start of the opening band that he made it inside

He was towards the back of the room

After the opening band was done

Connor texted you to ask where you were

So you held up your flashlight hoping he would see it

It was a struggle but he finally made it up to where you were

Without thinking you instantly hugged him

He was a bit surprised

But he hugged back just as tight

Maybe even tighter

It was so surreal to get to see someone who you knew so much about

But had ever met before

You ended up introducing your friend to him

And everything was smooth sailing

The concert was epic

You may or may not have cried a few times

But its okay because Connor did too

Shh don’t tell anyone

Everything was so real

Connor,

The band,

Everything

After the show was done you guys went outside

You ended up talking a bit

You asked your friend to take a picture of you and Connor

Which they did

You looked a bit rough

Considering you were sweating and it totally looked like you had been crying a bit and your hair was messed up, etc

But you didn’t care

You were with Connor,

The person who has helped you through so much,

The person who you trusted with your life,

The person you were in love with

Connor said he needed to tell you something

And that it was kinda important

You were a bit scared but went with it anyways

He told you that he was the anon

And that he really really liked you

More than friends

You nearly d i e d

You just kinda froze

He instantly started rambly and saying it was fine if you didn’t like him back

But he just needed you to know because it was killing him on the inside

You quickly reassured him that you did like him back

He was so relieved

Then in his nervous awkwardness, he asked if he could kiss you

You, of course, said yes

One of his hands ended up on your hip

The other was in your hair

Yours were cupping his face

The whole thing was so perfect

You would say that sparks flew

You both pulled away with small smiles on your faces

“Fuck”

Connor randomly said in a slightly upset tone

You thought you did something wrong so you instantly started apologizing

“No, wait! You didn’t do anything wrong Y/N. I’m just an idiot.”

And you were like “Why?? That kiss was perfect??”

“I did this in the wrong order. I should have asked if you wanted to go out with me before I kissed you. God, I’m so weird. You probably think I’m just a creep who just wanted to make out with you.”

“Are you?”

“No! God, no!”

“Then I don’t have an issue with you asking me out now.”

By that point, he was blushing so much

He is such an anxious bean when it comes to you

He just wants everything to be perfect for you

So after he collected his thoughts

He asked you out

He said he didn’t know how well it was going to work because of the distance

But he was willing to try if you wanted too

You said you would love to go out with him

You guys ended up talking for a little while longer but eventually, it was time to part your ways

Neither of you wanted to say goodbye

Tonight was so perfect

You didn’t want it to ever end

Once you got into the car with your friend

They send you the pictures of you and Connor together

And one more

Of you kissing

That night you sent it to Connor saying

“Do you like my new lockscreen? ;)”

Now every time you are on your phone,

You are reminded of the most perfect night of your life

[lala-sara]

My blog was terminated yesterday. They restored it today with this: I've restored your account but it looks like you had reblogged at least a spam post with a deceptive redirection in the click-through link or a deceptive link in the caption. This post has been deleted but please be really careful when reblogging in the future. Deceptive links usually send you outside of Tumblr to adult paying sites or fake dating apps but they can take many forms so we can't give you a comprehensive list of them unfortunately. If they don't redirect you outside of Tumblr some of these links can also open ads or pop-up windows on your screen. As a general rule, be careful of any link inside a post caption, especially if it wasn't added by the original poster. And in case of doubt, err on the side of caution and don't reblog the post for the safety of your blog & your account.If you're using the Queue to publish on your blog, review the posts for this type of links & remove them from your Queue or your account might be automatically terminated when those posts are published. My answer: Do you understand that this is unacceptable treating? Noone can be so vigilant so ANYONE can be terminated any time for things they DID NOT DO bc "reblogged something that has a hidden link to adult blog that I didn't notice" is not a crime and you're treating it like it. Should I link to any link to check if it leads to adult blog? That's what adult bots want! And links are hidden, they are not in theme for the post so nobody can know what is going on. Stop terminating blogs for reblogs, start terminating original bots who do it. Also - no, banning people for adult content didn't help with that, did it? It's still happening. Because we were not the one who does it! Start doing your job and delete those bots and stop oppressing real people. It's not my job to watch for any bad link - it's yours to delete bots who does it. At least make an alarm system so people can be aware that they reblogged something bad instead of terminating blogs without warning which is very stressful!!!!!!!! It literally can lead to suicide.

I really was on the verge yesterday and I don’t speak lightly about it. I have depression with suicide ideation and always have the thought of ending in the back of my mind, I’m used to it, but there are times I have more that that, when I’m starting planning. It started before tumblr decided to end me but it made a big impact. I don’t care about this personal blog, but I have two art side blogs. Now I’m literally ‘doing it for them’. So beware people - ANYONE can be terminated ANY time. So for the sake of your mental health know this and know that this can be something you are not aware of as I wasn’t and they (maybe) will bring it back. If your blog will be terminated remember: you are not bad, you did nothing wrong, you were not hunted (for those of you who has paranoia), it’s just the staff is so LAZY they better do this to an innocent people than hunt actual perpetrators. I was so right to equate them with Russian government - they have the same tactics. I already live in fear in Russia, I don’t need this shit from fucking tumblr. I thought it’s the safe space, guess I was wrong, there is no safe space anywhere, we’re all fucked.

[captainskipjack]

I’m Going to Miss You

A warning to you all... this post is going to get very long and rambly... but I feel like I need to say it, given what’s going to happen mere hours from now. So for my own emotional health I’m going through with this. Read it if you like, I’d certainly appreciate your company if you do... but I understand anyone who wants to skip over it. It likely won’t make much sense to most people why it’s such a big deal to me. I’m not exactly the most mentally or emotionally stable person in the world after all. These thoughts likely won’t resonate with most. But if you like, feel free to join me on my little ramble as I break down over something that’s truly, utterly trivial. I’ll certainly appreciate your company.

Also, preemptively? To those out there who will scoff at this and jeer at how much of a deal I’m making out of all of this? I’m very much aware of how pathetic and emotionally unhealthy I am. If it were easy as just ‘getting over myself,’ I’d have done it long ago. I’m already seeking therapy, but it’s a long process.

Anyway.

This post probably won’t mean much, and most of the people that it’s directed toward won’t ever see it. Many of the people I’d like to send it to are the creators/mods of long-dead blogs or people I’ve never spoken to before, but whose work I’ve followed. But I feel the need to say it nonetheless.

I joined tumblr sometime in early 2012, I think. I was a part of the then-exploding My Little Pony/Brony scene, joining in the wake of the pony ask-blog craze. At that time, everybody and their dog was making a new My Little Pony ask blog, and as deep into the fandom as I was at the time, I couldn’t help but follow.

For a time, I even tried to run an ask blog myself, alongside a friend of mine, @atomic-chinchilla. We ran the blog “ask female shining armor,” which was all about Shining Armor from MLP getting magically transformed/stuck as a girl. It... didn’t exactly go well. We had a short run of popularity before the original “Twilicorn” controversy rocked the fandom and we found ourselves on the ‘wrong side’ of it. Or, to be more precise, I found myself on the wrong side of it. My friend didn’t care as much, but I was legitimately angry at the turn the show had taken, and I made the mistake of expressing it on the blog, without consulting my friend.

There was backlash. And unfortunately, since my friend was the highly-visible artist and I was only the writer behind the scene, @atomic-chinchilla ended up taking most of the heat. I felt really guilty and tried to mitigate the damage, but it was already done. A lot of other fans had declared the both of us persona non grata. @atomic-chinchilla had already been losing steam on the blog anyway and we quietly decided to just stop.

In retrospect, it was probably a good thing we stopped anyway. This was tumblr, and we were making a silly blog about gender of all things. We just wanted to make a bunch of silly jokes and shenanigans, but on a site like tumblr with its massive transgender/nonbinary/et cetera scene? We were playing with fire, and it could have backfired on us much much worse than it did.

If anybody is morbidly curious, you can still actually see our dumpster fire... at least for the next few hours or so... over here at http://female-shining-armor-blog.tumblr.com/

Or you can see most of the posts at @atomic-chinchilla‘s DeviantArt page or on Derpibooru.

Anyway. Neither of us quite “left the fandom” over this or anything. Indeed, My friend still watches the show, though not as devotedly as he once did, and I’m actually still active (for a given definition of the word) in the fanfiction community over on fimfiction.net

I continued to follow the pony ask blogs for... well... to this day actually. There aren’t nearly as many as there used to be. A couple still update, but it’s few and far between these days. Ask blogs in general seem to have mostly gone out of style.

But back then, even after my own flubs, I was still so strongly into it. They were a big part of my daily routine. I’d log onto tumblr and catch up with whatever these dozens upon dozens of characters were ‘up to.’

In time, I’d even spread out a little. I’d look for ask blogs from other fandoms. Adventure Time, Transformers, Godzilla, and others. The pony ask blogs never quite got overtaken, simply due to the sheer number of them, but each and every one was important. They were meaningful to me.

It was truly a big part of my life for a while. I’ve never been the happiest person in the world, and anything that would help perk me up even a little and get me through the day was important to me.

And to a degree, they still are.

Sure, 98% of them haven’t updated in eons. Some of them I haven’t even thought about in perhaps even years. But they were a part of my life. They were a part of me. And they’re a part of my personal history.

And it saddens me deeply that they might be lost.

Even if they aren’t totally deleted, the fact that the tumblr flagging algorithm is completely out of control and will seemingly flag things at random for no discernible reason suggests that they might be butchered. That they might lose posts. Perhaps many posts, perhaps only one or two. Even those small losses, though, to me, are tragic.

Because what this is, to me anyway, is a loss of history and culture. A loss of history that some may not think matters, and a loss of low-brow, niche, internet subculture, perhaps... but history and culture nonetheless.

It’d be tragic if a museum filled with priceless art burned down, right? If the Louvre burned down tomorrow, people would weep at what a tragedy it was, the loss of all that art and culture and history. But at least there would probably be photos and records of everything that was inside.

In this case? All this history... history that’s at the very least important to me on my personal journey through this life... is going to be lost without a trace. Never to be spoken of or heard of again. And someday my memories will fade and my body will turn to dust, and then they won’t live on at all.

I have a hard time dealing with loss. Loss of history, loss of memory, loss of culture, loss of life, loss of anything really. I have a really really hard time letting go of much of anything, even if I know it’s the healthy thing to do. Even if I know it’s only natural; that all things must come to an end.

Because just consider all that work. Consider all that work that goes into creating a piece of art. Consider all the work that goes into forging a place in history. Consider all the work that goes into just living. And in the end, no matter what it is, all that work will eventually crumble to dust. Forgotten, and never spoken of again.

...You can imagine how poorly I handle things like deaths in the family or considering my own mortality. If the loss of a bunch of old, dead ask blogs

Don’t even get me started on topics like the apocalypse or entropy or the eventual heat death of the universe. Thinking about topics like that give me the literal shakes.

The worst part is that I’m only talking about a fraction of what there is on tumblr that’s going to vanish. I’m only talking about this from my own perspective - the perspective of a singular fan of a very small number of fandoms. I can only wonder how other people of other fandoms are feeling. And then, of course, there’s the obvious, most-impacted people; the content creators themselves. Especially the NSFW content creators.

And of course, all of this... ALL of this rambling up to this point... is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m going to miss those people that still update. I’m not exactly a social butterfly. I’m not the type to make friends easily with strangers. But those who are still updating, or even those who only occasionally pop in... I’m going to miss all of them.

And I’m going to miss my followers. It’s funny... I’ve never quite been the one to interact with people who follow me. I don’t know why anyone WOULD follow me, if I’m being honest. 99% of what I do on this blog is just reblog goofy shit from other people. But to those of you who’ve followed me... thank you. I’m going to miss you too.

I don’t know who you 173 people are. You might all be bots, for all I know. But thank you nonetheless. Sorry I never really reached out and interacted with you in any meaningful capacity. And I’m sorry I never really made anything of my blog beyond just a dumping site for goofy shit.

Even if I never really knew any of you, I’m still going to miss you.

I’m going to miss this site and its sheer ease of use. Even if it could become a hellhole of toxicity and hatred at the drop of a hat, the format of the site ‘clicked’ so much better with me than any other social media site on the planet.

I’m going to miss it all.

I’m trying to keep a saying I heard once close to my heart right now. A quote from Abraham Lincoln... that perhaps ironically, I first heard through one of the most painfully obnoxious and frustrating games I’ve ever seen in my life; Getting Over It with Bennet Foddy

“In this sad world of ours sorrow comes to all and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it will make you less miserable now.“

Perhaps I’m cheapening the quote, associating it with the loss of a sub-par social media site. With the loss of a bunch of old, dead ask blogs and the loss of followers that I never interacted with. But I do, truly feel a sense of pain and sorrow at this loss. And I’m trying to take this quote to heart and muddle through.

Perhaps, if any of you out there are as fucked in the head as I am, of if anybody out there is going through hard times for other reasons right now... it’ll mean something to you too.

I don’t know what I’ll do with this blog. As I just said, I dislike loss. I don’t make a habit of deleting anything. Nothing on this blog will be deleted, at least by my hand. I’m going to participate in the December 17th mass-log off.

...whether or not I’ll ever log back on... I’m not really sure at the moment

Anyway, I suppose I’ve rambled on long enough. To everybody out there that I watch... to everybody out there I’ve EVER watched... to all those ask blogs that helped me through hard times and brought me joy... to all the people that follow me for whatever reason... I’m going to miss you.

I hope we can all find joy somewhere else. Hopefully not too far off in the future.

Maybe I’ll see you there.

[insatiablestitches]

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt