#diluc pick your baby brother and..... idk. go kill someone??? SOMETHING?

[ccaptain]

@bitbrumal ━ HEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY!

   good idea, drinking himself into a stupor when he's already in a particular state of mind! he thinks that the idea is fucking BRILLIANT.

   just DELIGHTFUL.

      ( he bangs the tavern's door back like a gunshot. the hinges barely resist that assault. )

   if there's anywhere safe, it's in the tavern. if there's anywhere safe in the world for him so he doesn't get swallowed, it's when diluc makes him a drink. ( he relishes in that. diluc has to make him something, no matter how hard he wants to refuse fueling the addiction.                                    ...                                        that's quite pathetic, isn't it. )

   silly matters of the heart shouldn’t upset him so: he did an extremely good job in trying to get over it. 

   the problem is that the whole ordeal would have been trivial. it should have been, but it did not. and it ended terribly. for both of them. but kaeya willingly lacks the empathy necessary, and for what he considers good reasons, too.

   ( he’d rather die than be lusted over and then abandoned after their fill has been had. the stab of pain is akin to an incandescent knife plunging into his sidea gaping wound that he didn’t wanted━ the sheer AUDACITY of having HARMED him makes his blood boil. )

   ( and the sheer terror he now feels upon someone else gazing over him in interest. when curious eyes meets his, kaeya finds himself tuning it out. he bends, a little hollow, cowering tree in the wind. )

   he hates the motional vulnerability that comes with rejection. 

   why does he feel that he should be grateful for this pain? when jean and diluc both rushed to flank him, fiercely protective, it felt a bit like the old times. now he gets visited often and cared for better. he shouldn’t complain, not with the way that alone made him pull himself together much faster.

   ( it’s good to be loved. to sit in an otherwise empty bed with warm soup, with diluc’s voice talking to him in soft tones. it’s nice to hear the gentleness behind it. the ancient feud has been put aside. he should be happy. )

   still, he feels loss: there was a spring in his steps that was there just the day before, something unsteady in the way he poses now, with a wound that never heals and keeps spilling blood, keeps getting infected.

   he drowned in the new way the universe told him that he was unwanted, tainted. if even love made him feel such, then there must be truth to it.

   but, after all is over and done, kaeya finds that he wants that spring in his step back. and when he can’t have it━ when he can’t physically yank who he used to be away from the ruins that itto left, the ANGER almost sets him ablaze.

   it’s the kind of anger that comes after injustice, that devours him: that makes him want to hurt back after he has been left covered in gaping wounds, the viciousness of the attack leaving him staggering. and only when there’s nothing left he remembers that he has claws, too. when he has been left stupefied and remembers to react, everything that could be ripped apart is long gone.

   but, realistically...

   realistically, all he can do is boil inside, the steady lavaflow consuming him. all he can do is sit here and drink, hoping that what slips down his throat is scalding enough to scorch his insides and call it a day.

   and the sob that threatens to escape from his throat? he BITES down onto it, ruthless, forcing it back between a clack of teeth. in his pathetic state, being in control of those sounds is the only thing that brings him comfort.

   no, he’ll never let another crippled sound out of him over this matter. there’ll be only anger, and the whitening of his knuckles trying to wrestle the poor, innocent empty glass to crack.