#don’t even talk to me about the ptsd episode on sunday i’ll fucking cry

[beskad]

.

i cannot take this i’m so tired and so chronically sick and in so much pain all the time.

i asked the group chat if friend 1 or 2 were able to take my 5 hr shift tonight bc i’m trying to save my one call-out a month that i allow myself for next saturday - which i only have to do because friend 2 is having a bday thing that was supposed to be fri. april 12, and i don’t work my 2nd job on fridays so it was fine. but friend 1 GOT THE DATE WRONG and now we have to change the friend 2 bday celebration date from friday april 12 to to saturday april 13 to accommodate friend 1. which means now i have use my mental health call out day to instead call out for an 8hr saturday shift because she requested off the wrong day and doesn’t want to call off for her 5 hr friday night shift.

i digress

i mentioned, once they both said sorry they’re also already scheduled tonight so they can’t take my shift (which is fine), that I hope the store isn’t scheduling me 18 hrs again on this schedule being posted today bc i’m much too sick to be doing 60 hr weeks these days and that’s why my max hours in the system are set to 10

and friend 2 had the audacity to all-caps yell in the chat “SAY SOMETHING TO SOMEONE” (which, bc i know her, i know the tone and that tone is annoyance/exasperation). and like, I HAVE said things to management, i’ve had a half dozen chats with HR about my scheduling and they both know that??

i’ve taken shifts for both friend 1 and friend 2 in the last 2 weeks because they weren’t feeling well. friend 2 is on corrective action for her numerous call outs because she’s too stressed to come to work so she just doesn’t. so like. don’t fucking yell at me?????? i work more than both of them and i’m STILL the one making the accommodations here (taking shifts, allowing myself to be the one forced to call out of work due to friend 1’s wrong day off request etc)

i’m already tired and overworked and very sick (a flare up of a chronic and incurable illness is absolutely sapping my strength and tanking my immune system so now i’m getting a cold)

and now my feelings are hurt and i’m agitated and liable to pick a fight with the next person to say something that comes across wrong

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Ten

You can locate the first nine chapters HERE.

“So are you going to tell me now about you and Jeremy?” Frankie asked. I’d been right. She had slept in my room. We stayed up late talking, getting about two hours of sleep before Frankie’s crazy-ass internal clock woke her up which meant she woke me up. Thankfully, she went and made coffee and delivered me a cup before sneaking up to her room to shower. She knew just how cranky I was in the morning without my magic bean juice. She was now laying on my bed with wet hair, black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt and a plaid shirt. Her makeup wasn’t done yet she still looked way better than I would even after I was done getting ready.

“Why do you think I’ll tell you this morning but wouldn’t tell you last night?”

“Because you’re usually much more talkative when you’ve had time to internally freak out about a situation for a few hours, which I’m sure you’ve been doing.”

“No, I haven’t.” I had.

“Liar.” I was.

“We are just friends. Last night was nothing.” It wasn’t nothing, it was everything? Okay, maybe that was too much. It was a really great first date, calling it nothing diminished how I felt about it. But honestly, I didn’t want to have my sister analyzing it this morning.

“Last night wasn’t nothing. If last night was nothing you would’ve freely given me details to the night without hesitation. Your hesitation shows me it’s something. Was last night your first date?” She’d now come into the bathroom where I was putting my makeup on while my hair was wrapped in a towel on top of my head and hadn’t gotten dressed yet.

“Why does it matter?”

“Because you haven’t been on a first date since you started dating Patrick. I haven’t been on one since I was 18. The idea of a first date makes me want to break out into hives but I’d be really excited for you.”

“Yes, it was our first date,” I begrudgingly told her. “He technically asked me out on a date like two weeks ago and I found every excuse humanly possible to delay it. Last night I ran out of excuses.”

“Why would you want an excuse to not go out with him? He seems really great, in addition to the obvious that he is super hot.”

“First dates also make me want to break out into hives The last first date I went on I was in my 20s still and it was Patrick who I’d known for ages through mutual friends so it wasn’t really that intimidating. Outside of that shit, I don’t need to add more complication to my life. I need to focus on the kids. I don’t need to worry about having a life. I just need to provide for the kids, do my work, and that’s it. I don’t need the rest.”

“You might not NEED the rest, but you fucking deserve it. Charlotte,” she sighed. She never called me Charlotte. As a little kid she couldn’t say it because the double T gave her trouble, thus all of the nicknames. Plus my Dad loved that his girls had typically male nicknames and were named after his two favorite uncles. “Charlotte, honestly. Do you really believe that you are just supposed to be their mother and nothing else?”

“I mean, no. But the judgement I get when I attempt to have a life is just something I can’t deal with.”

“Who the fuck is judging you? Honestly. It’s not me or Ryan. Dad and Mandi both would support you in opening your heart again and finding love. Tony won’t pass judgement on anything, he’s 22 -old with no future plans living in his sister’s guest house. And clearly our mother has no room to judge anything. She packed up the house and moved to a different fucking continent when you were 13. Who else has an opinion that matters?”

“People.” I didn’t want to get into it. Frankie was a beast when she was in an argument and knew she was right.

“Is it Jane or Robert?” I shook my head. “Are you afraid of what Patrick will think?”

“Of course not. I understood why he left. The life I have is not the life he wanted, I mean it’s honestly not the life either of us wanted it’s the one that was handed to me.”

“And you did the most honorable thing I’ve ever seen and took it without any complaint and all you did was love those kids. Who on Earth are you worried about? Charlotte, who is it?” I refused to look towards her and into her eyes. “Is it Alex? It’s Alex right?”

“No, of course not.” I paused for a moment before shrugging. “Yes, it’s Alex,” I replied sheepishly.

“Alex is just a bitch. I mean I love her but she’s an incredible bitch a lot of the time.” She tried to keep her voice low in case Savannah woke up. She didn’t want to risk trash-talking her mother because honestly we both grew up with a lot of adults trash-talking our mother and it made life difficult. “Alex is still jealous that Sam and Michael trusted you with the kids. Which baffles me, has she somehow missed how upside down your life has been for the last year? Every plan you had in life changed because of one night. But it’s Alex. She fully expected when that will was read at Dad’s the morning after that it was going to say the guardianship of the kids went to her or at least someone in Sam’s family. She didn’t expect it to be you.”

“No one did, except me and Dad. I knew I’d answered yes when they asked and had to sign a form agreeing to it. Dad was their attorney so he drew up the will. Which they updated fairly regularly. It seems super weird for someone my age and I made fun of Michael for doing it when he was 30 because it’s a thing I really only imagine old people doing but because Michael lost both of his parents young he wanted everything in place. He lived in flux between aunts and uncles and grandparents for so long he wanted to know that there was somewhere stable for the kids to go.”

“I knew they were coming to you. Sam asked me if it was wrong to ask you. She respected that you didn’t want to have kids but she also didn’t want anyone else to raise hers if something happened to her. She knew of everyone in her life you would be the person who would raise them in the way she would. You would let them grow and learn and become who they were meant to be, not what someone thought they should be.” I hadn’t known this. Sam never told me she consulted my sister and Frankie never told me that she knew I’d said yes. She let me go on and on about how the societal pressures of motherhood on women in their 20s and 30s were ridiculous and listen to my feminist rants and my Gloria Steinem quotes about how I was never having a child, not ever for any reason possible would I become a mother. “I told her that there wasn’t anything in the world you loved more than family and those kids were family. Well that Ellery was family, they weren’t even pregnant with Axel yet.”

“They are my family. They are my universe. I always thought all of you were crazy about the ‘it’s different when they are yours’ bullshit. I get it now. You know how much I hate admitting that you are right. But you were so right. They aren’t even mine and it’s different.”

“They are yours. Ellie calls you Mom. Axel’s first word was Mama and he said it to you. You didn’t just get handed Sam and Michael’s kids, you essentially got handed their lives just without a partner to do it all. You opted to sell the LA house for obvious reasons, but you could’ve kept this place and stayed in the city. You’re still dealing with everything that weekend thrust upon you. Getting kids and PTSD in a weekend is no fucking cake walk.” I had been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder shortly after they died. Seeing their house when it was still a crime scene with evidence markers, crime scene tape, and just about every horrific thing your mind can come up with if you’ve ever watch an episode of Law and Order. Then being the one to identifying their bodies because Sam’s parents weren’t in LA yet and I wasn’t sure Jane and Robert could handle doing that. I definitely didn’t handle it well, but I wanted to save them that pain. Taking part in planning the double funeral of my two best friends was so hard I wanted the San Andreas fault to open up and swallow me whole. Then becoming a Mom, that wasn’t something I’d ever even imagined being possible. It was a lot in the span of about four days and had left me a mess. A year’s worth of weekly therapy and I was doing a lot better though I still wasn’t great and obviously still dealt with residual trauma, like my nightmares. “I don’t blame you for moving here.”

“Seriously? You’ve been mad at me for 11 months for moving.”

“I know and I still am, but for purely selfish reasons. I miss having one night a week where I got to leave my kids with my husband and have dinner with my sister. I miss that on Saturdays in the summer we’d all somehow end up at Dad’s to swim without planning it and we wouldn’t go home until I had to put the kids in bed on Sunday night. I miss that if I wanted to see you that it was a short drive and you didn’t just exist on the screen of my phone. I miss having you at soccer games and dance recitals. I miss our coffee dates in the middle of a work day. I miss our brunches with way too many mimosas. I just miss you, a lot.”

“I miss you too.”

“I do also know that you bringing the kids here was probably the best decision for you and those babies. It gave you a chance to remove yourself and the kids from the immediate aftermath of the nightmare we all lived through. You didn’t have to run into friends at Whole Foods who look at you with sad eyes and try to pretend like it didn’t happen. Trust me. I’ve gotten those looks when I run into your friends. They ask how you are doing, some ask how the kids are, they all pretend that you didn’t become a mother because some crazed maniac murdered your best friends. It fucking sucks and every time I get in the car and cry about it I am just so thankful it wasn’t you in the store and that it was me.”

“The few times I’ve been back in LA that’s happened. I miss Los Angeles like crazy sometimes but honestly not running into people who know me has been nice. That happened once here. It was over winter, I ran into someone from college at the grocery store, they were here on a family vacation. It was awkward but it was only once. Los Angeles feels like a small fucking town now because I literally can’t go anywhere when I’m home without running into someone.”

“If you still lived there I think it would be easier but you’re starting to get happy here. Is Jeremy part of that?”

“I mean I haven’t known him that long. But having another adult human to talk to is really nice. I mean I see Jane and Robert, which is nice. But it’s still kind of awkward. I don’t think there will ever be a time that I talk to them when it isn’t 100% about the kids or how they are doing without Sam. Robert isn’t sure he wants to go to LA for the trial. Jane is going, she’s staying at my condo. Until there’s an answer to that and closure I don’t think they will every move through the stages of grief. While I still miss them every day I had to get to the point where I didn’t lay in bed crying every night because Sam and Michael were gone. I had to take care of the kids.”

“How often do you see them?”

“Once a month when I drop the kids off at their house. Which I really need to start catching a plane to LA for those weekends every month. Last month when they were gone wrecked me. Savannah spent the weekend with the dude she’d been seeing. Being in this house when it was completely silent was too much.”

“Maybe that will be different now that you have someone in your life that isn’t Savannah or the kids.” My sister shrugged. I knew she was happy to see that I’d put myself out there to even attempt to build relationships here. Even if it was just a new friend.

“Maybe, I don’t know. He’s going back to LA next weekend for a while. His ex-wife lives there and they share custody differently when school isn’t in session. So it’s not like I really need to be concerned about it. He’s going to leave and I’ll be here.”

“Well you’ve been talking about coming home for the trial. Maybe you do that. It gets you to LA for longer than a few days. Bring the kids back home for a while. Relax. Get some sun. Give me my sister back for a while.”

“I mean it will be hard to relax considering I’ll be there for a murder trial. Sort of puts a damper on a vacation.”

“But if you come back for a couple weeks or a month it will only hopefully be like a week of it. Plus we can do Ellery’s birthday in LA.”

“I’ll think about it.” She sighed. “Just finish getting ready. I know you brought your makeup over here so you could have an excuse to spend time with me this morning. So just do your makeup and let me do mine. And don’t sigh at me about this.”

“I just miss you and would love to have you home for part of the summer.”

“Like I said. I’ll think about it.” We finished getting ready both eventually drying our hair and attempting to curl it. Watching her in the mirror next to me made me laugh inside. She was who taught me how to do my makeup and do my hair. Our motions were almost identical. The only difference was her hair was much shorter than mine and I always settled for a more subtle makeup look than she did.

“Good morning, girls,” Mandi said as she walked into my room.

“We’re in the bathroom,” I yelled back.

“You both look beautiful this morning.” She sat in the chair. She was fully dressed. Her hair perfectly curled and makeup perfectly done. “Charlie, you might want to put some more clothes on.” I was in a pair of booty shorts and a t-shirt that I only slept in.

“I’m gonna put clothes on but since you two have been secretive about what we are doing today I hadn’t picked out clothes yet. I know I’ll need to be dressed a little nicer for our dinner tonight.”

“No, you won’t. We will just be eating here,” Mandi said. “Your Dad wants to do homemade pizza night like we always used to do when you guys were kids.”

“That sounds perfect. So we’ll need to go to a grocery store at some point today. Start setting this place for everything this weekend.” I could tell Frankie was already building a grocery list in her head.

“Do you know how many people will be at dinner tomorrow night?” Mandi asked.

“Umm. Our family which is 11, Jeremy and Ava make 13, Alex’s family makes 18, Jane and Robert are 20, plus their family which makes 23. I’m prepared for 25 in case Sam’s cousin brings her boyfriend. When I talked to her last weekend she wasn’t sure. I also wanted to make sure that if Savannah wanted to bring her boyfriend that she could.”

“And Saturday?” I looked to Frankie for an answer; she’d been the one keeping track of that.

“We estimated like 35ish but it could get up to 50 depending on if assholes that didn’t RSVP showed up,” Frankie answered.

“50 people in my house? Who the fuck did you and Alex invite?”

“The list we agreed on. Alex had a few extras she thought might want to be here. I thought she cleared that with you.”

“Of course she didn’t,” I replied. “What was the total list you sent out? I got at least 15 or 20 emails or texts from people who couldn’t come.”

“I think the total was like 80.” Frankie shrugged.

“I hate this. I don’t want that many people in my house. I don’t have the space for that many people in my house. I don’t like being around that many people unless I absolutely have to for work or the kids.”

“You’ll be fine,” Mandi said. “Your Dad and I will be here to take care of you.”

“Beyond the whole ‘I don’t like people’ aspect of this, my house is not big enough for that many people. My kids will be completely overwhelmed by that many people. And the last thing they need is people crying to them about how their Mom and Dad died.”

“It’ll be okay. Most of it is outside,” Frankie said. She could sense I wasn’t just anxious but I was angry. I was trying not to blow up because I knew it wasn’t completely her fault but she and Alex had invited all of these people to my house when I really just wanted a small gathering of the closest friends and family. I didn’t need a large party of people.

“Alright girls, let’s calm down. How about we leave the house for a little while?” Mandi suggested. “We can go get mani/pedis and maybe grab lunch somewhere. Just the three of us, hell the four of us. Let’s grab Savannah.”

“Are we sure we can leave all five kids with Dad, Ryan, and Tony?” I asked.

“They’ll be fine,” Frankie said. “The three of them on the five of the kids will be fine. The girls will probably all end up playing with Barbies or something and it’s not like Ryan hasn’t changed his fair share of diapers in the last decade.”

It didn’t take long before we were finished getting ready. I threw on a pair of jeans that had probably too many holes in them We kidnapped Savannah, left instructions on feeding lunch to the kids with my Dad and brothers and we were out the door. We all climbed into my Jeep and took off towards town. I’d opted to leave the GLS at home in case the men decided to take the children anywhere. They’d at least mostly fit in it. We grabbed coffee from my favorite coffee shop before heading into the salon and being seated for pedicures. It was actually really nice to have time today with just Mandi, Frankie, and Savannah. I rarely ever got girl time that didn’t involve the 5-year-old girl in my life. I felt my phone vibrate in my lap and picked it up to see a text message from Jeremy.

Good morning, Gorgeous.

Oh. Gorgeous huh? One date and we go from you calling me Charlie to pet names.

I mean, you are gorgeous so it’s more like an accurate description than a pet name.

How did you sleep?

As good as one can when sharing their bed with their older sister. I told you she’d sleep in there. Kept me up WAY past my bedtime to try and get details on what last night was and who you are in my life.

Better you than me. I came home to two very whiny dogs.

Bring them today as long as they promise not to maul my cats.

Harrison could kick the shit out of either of my dogs.

True story. He’s a chonky fucker.

Chonky?

Yes. Chonky. If I call him fat or chunky I’m shaming him. He’s chonky. It’s a term of endearment in the cat mom community.

You are one of the strangest people I know.

So what time do you want me to come over today?

Well, right now I’m getting a pedicure with Mandi, Frankie, and Savannah. We are going to also get manicures and then lunch. So I can text you when we are done. I mean you’re welcome to go over there now if you want to hang out with my Dad and brothers. I’m sure they would be at least half as annoying as the women are right now.

Why are they annoying?

This is the line of questioning I’ve received today:

So was last night a date? How long have you and Jeremy known each other? How did you meet? Did he kiss you at the end of the night and if so was he a good kisser?

I’d continue but my sister is starting to ask questions that I’m essentially answering with the middle finger.

Okay. Now I need to know those.

My sister is nosy. She wants to know if you’re a good kisser, which I didn’t disclose that I’d kissed you so she’s making assumptions. They are correct, but no less they are assumptions.

She’s funny and she will definitely make a great lawyer if she decides to practice and not stay at her non-profit.

For the sake of the world, I hope that this is just so she has another set of letters after her name and not so she can practice law. She’s terrifying.

So did you answer any of the questions?

Ugh you are just as bad as they are. I did finally confirm that last night was a date. Frankie started bugging me about it last night when we went to bed and all morning.

No answer on if I’m a good kisser or not.?

The answer was a middle finger.

You’re cute when you’re angry. You’re tiny and filled with rage.

You are barely taller than me! So just shut it.

Okay. I’ve been caught. Frankie says hi but if I don’t stop texting you she’s stealing my phone.

Text or call me when you’re on your way home. I’ll come over to meet you there.

Okay.

For real. If you’re bored just go over to my place. My Dad and Ryan are harmless. Hell my Dad will probably end up making you talk music for hours on end. The kids are all at home with them.

Not worried about me around your Dad without you?

Nah. I like you. I’m just refusing to give information to the women because it drives them crazy. My whole plan was for everyone to get to know you today.

I’m glad you like me. I like you too.

And you are a good kisser. So live with that knowledge while I refuse to share it.

You’re a good kisser too. I sort of regretted not staying last night by the time I got home.

You should learn to trust me. I’m always right.

You also have such a fucking ego. Enjoy your pampering, and I’ll see you in a few hours.

“You’re so smiley,” Savannah said. “I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.”

“So, since she won’t spill everything, what can you tell me?” Frankie was determined to learn what she could about Jeremy’s role in my life.

“Umm, Jeremy’s daughter Ava and Ellery are best friends. He’s a great dad, super-nice, and has been a lot of fun to have around. Charlie is smiling more but I don’t think it’s just Jeremy. I think she’s starting to settle into life. It’s been a year. The first year of anything is hard right? College, post-college, marriage, kids, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. She’s survived a year in the worst hell anyone could imagine. She’s got the Mom thing down, well as much as one can. She deserves to get her personal life back to where it should be. Dating is a normal thing and she perhaps lucked out on her first try.” I smiled and knew I was blushing.

“Okay, okay! I told you! It was a date and he’s a great guy. He asked me out weeks ago and I was terrified that I wasn’t supposed to be dating so I tried to avoid it. I ran out of excuses last night and he planned a really fantastic first date. We’ve become good friends. He makes living here feel a whole lot less lonely. But it was ONE DATE I have no idea whether I got lucky on my first try. I mean if I were him I would run for the fucking hills. His date ended by meeting the woman’s ENTIRE FAMILY. Okay, not entire but basically my entire family. He should run far, far away.” By now we were sitting and getting our nails done while our toenails dried.

“But you were giggling at your phone which usually means you are texting with a guy you find cute,” Frankie said. “You’ve been like that since you’d hide on a laptop on AOL Instant Messenger while trying to come up with your moody lyrics to use as away messages. So you clearly hope you got lucky on your first try. And from what I saw of him last night, he seems amazing.”

“He is,” Savannah said. “She didn’t even hesitate to tell him about Sam and Michael or how she became a mother.”

“Seriously?” Mandi asked.

“It felt like he wouldn’t judge me and maybe he’d have some insight on the single parenting stuff I’m doing. He asked if I planned on having any other kids, I said I hadn’t planned on having them and life was too hard with two little ones on my own. He asked if their dad was in the picture and I just told him what happened.”

“Everything?”

“I mean I waited to tell him about the PTSD and the nightmares until we’d known each other longer than a couple of hours, but yeah, he knows everything. He hasn’t been scared off by any of it. He’s watched me cry. He’s gotten a phone call or two in the middle of the night when I woke up with a nightmare and couldn’t fall back asleep. He offered to stay with me this weekend because he was worried about the nightmares. They’ve been happening more frequently.”

“And you’ve told your therapist?” Mandi asked.

“I have. She wants me to take some sleeping medication for it but I’m too scared I won’t wake up. At some point I’ll feel like I can take it but right now everything just seems like too much.”

“Well, I think he sounds like a fantastic person. And everything you’ve told me about him makes it seem like he’s almost too good to be true.” I’d disclosed a little about him to my step-mom over the last couple of weeks. My sister, however, knew nothing. I didn’t want her to start to question me about him when there was nothing to question me about.

“How long have you known?” My sister turned to our stepmom with the look in her eyes that told us she wasn’t going to take any hiding from the questions.

“She text me about him the first day of summer break. It was the day Tony drove out here.”

“I was texting you that day, and you mentioned nothing.”

“You’re right. I didn’t. It was the first day he and I really spent together and you were trying to lecture me about letting our brother run away from home to live with me.”

“Well, you were.” She had to be right. Always. Even when she knew she wasn’t right, she would find a way to refuse to admit to Tony and me that we were right.

“Tony is doing great living with me. He’s not sleeping the summer away. Most mornings he’s in the house before I even come down for breakfast. He’s been working with me on the score I’m writing and has been a huge help with that. I was stuck for so long. He stole the copy of the film from me one night, watched it twice before bed and then came into my studio the next morning, sat down at my piano and fixed a song I’d been essentially screaming into the abyss about for weeks. I submitted the first draft of the score yesterday. I was running behind and got it sent in a week early. I may never let Tony leave my house.”

“He’s really been loving that he can just create with you every day. He sounds happy every time he calls home. As a Mom, that’s the only thing you can want. Which by the way, Frankie, when your sister calls home, she sounds happy too. So lay off it for a while. She has enough to worry about; we don’t need to add to it.”

“I’m just so confused by why everyone else knew but me. Well, Ryan too. Even Dad knew.”

“Frankie, you refer to my ex as Dickhead. Patrick didn’t do anything wrong, and you call him Dickhead. To his face even.”

“Well, he is,” she defended.

“But he isn’t. If the situation was reversed I would’ve left him. We had agreed that babies were completely out of the picture and marriage was a maybe. I broke our agreement and while he understood completely why I broke it, I also understood why he left. He never wanted kids of his own or anyone else’s so his girlfriend/roommate suddenly having a 4-year-old and an infant were dealbreakers. I will never be angry at him for what he did. It’s time for you to stop being angry about it.” I rarely spoke like this to Frankie, especially when there were people around us. “He didn’t do anything wrong. He did what was best for himself and in the end what was best for me and the kids. He wouldn’t have been happy which would have ended up making me miserable and I wouldn’t have been here for Ellie to meet Ava and you wouldn’t be grilling me about the first date I went on. So in fact, you should send him a fucking thank you note.” Mandi and Savannah both started to laugh as Frankie sat there with her mouth open. She was at a loss for words, a true rarity.

We finished with our nails and went to one of my favorite lunch spots. Lunch was much more normal conversation. We talked about the weekend ahead, family, and completely avoided the topic of my love life. It was a welcome break for a little over an hour. Once we were in the car, I quickly sent a text to Jeremy telling him we were on our way home. I pulled up the driveway to see his truck already there. I laughed a little on the inside knowing he probably had gotten bored and come over earlier because I hadn’t gotten a response from him. We climbed out and went into the house which seemed oddly silent for having four adults and five children in it.

“Where are they?” Savannah asked.

“I’m assuming the basement but the silence has me scared,” I replied. My house was only silent in the middle of the night when I was the only person awake. I put my purse down and headed downstairs. As soon as I made it to the bottom landing someone grabbed me lifting me up off the ground as I screamed. “What the fuck?”

“Hi,” Jeremy replied as I stopped moving and realized I’d been thrown over his shoulder and was now staring directly at his ass.

“Hi. That’s all you have to say. You just scared the shit out of me, and all you have to say is hi.” He flipped me back, so I was on my feet in front of him. I heard the three women I’d just had lunch with laughing along with the sound of my brother-in-law’s incredibly distinct laugh.

“Umm, how was lunch?” I balled my hand into a fist and punched him in the arm before he grabbed my arm and pulled me into a hug. “You look beautiful and smell really good,” he whispered into my ear.

“Lunch was fine. Now why on Earth is my house this quiet? This house is never quite.”

“Well, the big kids are all in the theater watching a movie. Axel is upstairs taking a nap.” He waived the baby monitor in front of me so I could see that he was listening to hear if he woke up. “And the grown-up kids are all in your studio. So it’s quiet because we’ve got things handled.” He smiled the cutest smile at me, and honestly, all I wanted to do was kiss him but realizing that a portion of my family was standing with us, I held back.

“Did you put Axel in bed?”

“I did. I got here as the kids were getting finished with lunch. He looked exhausted and needed cleaned up before I put him down. He and I are becoming besties.”

“You’re too sweet. Thank you.” It was in that moment that I realized we were holding hands. I almost yanked mine away but realized that I didn’t care.

“What movie did the kids turn on?” Savannah asked.

“Trolls,” Ryan replied. “Carter got outvoted by all of the girls. Poor guy wanted to watch one of the Cars movies.”

“Ellery is OBSESSED with Trolls. I can’t even tell you how many times a week we have a dance party to that Justin Timberlake song. She’s been stuck on it for what seems like her entire life,” I replied.

“Carter will be fine. You know all three of the girls are obsessed with it, he’s seen it enough times. Plus he knows he can come in here and read his comics. We bought him a bunch of new ones and a new graphic novel right before we left town so he’d keep himself occupied when he needed a break from everyone,” my sister interjected while she rolled her eyes a little. Carter was a lot like me. We could both handle crowds until we couldn’t handle them anymore and we needed quiet alone time. It often drove Frankie crazy how much alike he and I were. When we had family functions a lot of the time the two of us would disappear and they’d find us snuggled up in a chair together with a blanket and books. We were the nerds of the family.

“Your Dad told me when you got home, you were supposed to come to the studio,” Jeremy said.

“If Dad is playing with your instruments, I’m out.” Frankie was laughing. “I’m going to go watch Trolls with the kids.”

“I’ve got to go get some laundry and homework done before my family gets in town tomorrow,” Savannah said. “I’ll keep an eye on Axel too.” She held her hand open for Jeremy to pass the baby monitor to her. My sister and step-mom headed to the theater, where all of the kids were watching the movie. Jeremy pulled me into a tight hug once we both realized Ryan was out of the room.

“Sorry about earlier. I just thought it would be funny.”

“It was funny but also scared the crap out of me.” He leaned forward to kiss me. “So when did you get here?”

“When you were still getting your pedicure and told me to come over here if I was bored. I text Tony and he said that they were feeding the kids and breaking into the instruments when you were out of the house. I thought a good way to get to know your Dad and brother-in-law without you was to come over and bond over music.”

“It is always the best way,” I replied before kissing him again. “You also put my baby to sleep.”

“I did. He’s too fucking cute to resist. Fell asleep in my arms after I got him cleaned up and in pajamas.”

“Were you singing to him? That’s my trick. He hates the rocking chair which is honestly the worst thing to have happen with a kid who is a chunk like him. But if he can feel a warm body and you sing to him he’s out after a few little dances around his bedroom.”

“I did sing to him.”

“What did you pick?” I wanted to imagine in my head what it sounded like when he sang to my little dude. I could picture it and what I saw him my head was perfect. Mainly because Jeremy showed up today in jeans, a white t-shirt andgrey zip-up hoodie.

“I noticed you had song lyrics on his wall.” I bit my lip to stop myself from crying. In our final visit here together, Sam and I decorated Axel’s nursery. She was seven months pregnant, incredibly bitchy and knew any moment she’d be unable to travel. She kept fearing he’d come early because Ellery had come a few weeks early and had a short stay in the NICU. Sam was terrified that would happen again. Axel however came a week late and was the fattest happiest little baby.

She’d been unable to decide what to do with his nursery in Tahoe. In LA everything was pristine and a neutral color palette to match the modern farm house decor. Tahoe was harder because the house oozed personality. Deciding on the name Axel of course made Michael want to do every bad Guns N’ Roses themed idea he could come up with. He wasn’t allowed on the trip, in fact it was just a girls trip. He kept Ellery at home with him and we spent a full weekend in Tahoe just the two of us, Alex had been unable to come because of work. We laid on the floor of the room the first day throwing ideas out until one finally hit. We used the best of our art skills to paint a mural on the wall that looked reminiscent of the area the house was in. Lots of trees and a lake below them. In her perfect calligraphy Sam traced lyrics into the mural and filled them in. It looked like a greeting card or a notebook you’d end up paying $20 for at some fancy boutique or Anthropologie and then fear writing in because nothing was worthy of the notebook.

“Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you. And everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow,” Jeremy softly sang into my ear as he held me in another hug.

“It was cheesy. It was an idea we saw on Pinterest. Coldplay was this weird love we shared. We saw them in concert so many times. We ridiculously took trips to under the false pretenses to visit my Mom so we could see them in London. Michael wasn’t really a fan but he allowed us to have that moment, though he told us we should’ve put the lyrics to ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ instead. He was outvoted 2-1.” Jeremy laughed. “If you’re ever in his room when it’s completely dark outside, wait a minute in the room after turning the lights off. We painted glow in the dark stars all over the sky of the mural and the ceiling.”

“That’s awesome. Though I would’ve totally been on board with a Guns N’ Roses mural.”

“Of course you would.” I kissed him again and just hugged him to me as I breathed my way through the memory I was in the middle of reliving.

“We should go back with your Dad and brothers. They will get suspicious.”

“They definitely will. Especially considering Frankie has had ample interrogation time today, and Tony has gotten none. He was so pissed last night that she wouldn’t let him come in my room with us as everyone headed to bed. He wanted to know how our date went.” Jeremy laughed before grabbing my hand and walking with me towards my studio.

“He did ask me how it went when it was just the two of us for a minute. I told him that it went great, and I was glad you finally weakened to my ways.” I laughed at him. “He said he was glad you might have a life finally.”

“Okay, this idea of you and my brother becoming friends is maybe not okay.” He laughed at me as he opened the door, pulling me into the studio. “So, what of my instruments have you destroyed?”

“None of them,” Dad said. “But when you moved you took some of my favorites and I missed them.” I loved seeing my Dad comfortably sitting with a guitar in his lap while Tony sat at the drums and Ryan at the piano.

“They’ve missed you too. I mean, you could come visit your kid once in a while.” I winked at him.

“Oh my middle child, my smartass and the one who ended up with my humor how I’ve missed you.” I sat down on the couch next to my Dad as Jeremy sat down in the comfy chair in the room. I rested my head on my Dad’s shoulder. I took a deep breath, breathing in his cologne. The same cologne he’d worn my entire life. It was Polo and came in a green bottle with a gold logo on it. It was the smell of comfort and safety.

“I would’ve much rather stayed home with all of you. They made me get all girly.” I held my hand up, showing my brand new, very fake nails. My rebellious act in being forced to do this was that they are pitch black. I always had incredibly short nails; it was truly an occupational hazard. They claimed that I needed to appear a little more ‘refined’ this weekend. I agreed if for no reason other than occasionally having long nails was fun and maybe they’d make me appear sexy or something. Honestly, I had no idea why I agreed to it, but I did.

“Can you still play with those claws?” Jeremy asked.

“Yes, they frequently force me into this situation. I learned quickly.” I reached for my Black Strat plugging it into the amp next to me. Without even a moment of hesitation I went into the opening guitar riff of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” causing Jeremy to laugh loudly as Tony started in on drums and Ryan stood up to do his best Axel Rose impression. It was obvious he’d immediately fit in with his wife’s misfit siblings the first time she brought him home. She’d been worried we’d embarrass her. My Dad sat back laughing and watching all of us. I knew this made him happy. This was what home felt like for us, I knew by the end of the night we’d get enough alcohol in my sister that she’d even join in. Normally Mandi would pick us over a movie but she hadn’t gotten time with Ellery in ages so I was sure she was just trying to soak up time with her granddaughter before the rest of the weekend came and she had to share her.

“Is there anything you can’t play?” Jeremy asked. Over the last few weeks, he’d discovered that I could typically play a song by ear. He’d played a few of the songs he was working on for me and I’d picked them up quickly. I had yet to figure out if it made him mad that I could play them without him teaching me or giving me sheet music or if he thought it was hot that this woman he was interested in could join in on one of his songs without lifting a finger.

“Yes, there’s a lot. In fact the solo in this song is one I’ve never been able to figure it out and it pisses me off. I’ve spent SO long trying. I hate it. Tony can play it. Ryan can play it.”

“I can play it,” Dad interrupted. “t pisses her off when I can play something better than her.”

“You can’t, but let yourself believe that, Pops.”

“You are still unfairly talented,” Jeremy said.

“Oh, it’s fair. I had no social life because of this.”

“She lies.” Of course, it would be my little brother that revealed my secret. “She had a social life, but it was all with other music nerds. She tried to be in a band, but it was all guys, and Dad put a stop to that quickly.”

“She was young and one of them had tattoos. I am a Dad.” Everyone in the room laughed. Dad was extremely protective of his girls. I had tried to join a band in high school with some of my guy friends and one of the guys in the band was 20 or 21 at the time. He did have a right to be concerned.

“I have tattoos,” Jeremy said. I started to laugh.

“So does she,” Dad replied. “Eventually, I lost all control of her.”

“Eventually, every kid grows up, Dad. Just wait someday I’ll call you screaming because Ellery has a tattoo.”

“Don’t put that image in my head.” He shook his head, causing all of us to laugh. “Did you ladies go to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner?”

“No, I did however order groceries to be delivered later today. It’s way more convenient. I have also had a nervous breakdown in the grocery store so I try to avoid it during daylight hours.” I laughed at myself as I saw Jeremy’s eyes get big. “You would’ve had one too. It was like rush hour grocery shopping on a Sunday. Elle had the flu and we were getting stuff for her so I could get her home, get her medication and put her in bed. She puked on me, herself, her brother and our groceries from where she was standing in the cart’s main area at her insistence. Then…her brother projectile vomited on me and a grocery shelf. Worst motherhood moment of my life.”

“You called Frankie bawling because you almost threw up in the car on the way home.” Ryan started to laugh. It was funny now, but it wasn’t when it happened.

“All three of us were covered in vomit. It was so horrible. Frankie had literally left the day before because she’d been here for WAY too long and with Ellie starting to get a fever we didn’t want her catching something and taking it home to the kids.”

“She was of course too late,” Ryan said looking at Jeremy who was the only person in the room that didn’t know the story. My family clearly all shared everything with each other and the rest of the universe with ease. “She was about half-hour from LA when she had to pull over and throw up. She barely made it into the bathroom in the house. By the end of the next day all five of us were sick.”

“It was horrible. I made Savannah wear a mask and threatened a hazmat suit. She was the only one who didn’t get sick. Even I was throwing up by the end of the day. It was Ellery’s payback for making her go to a some open play thing to make friends that Frankie found online in some Mom group. She did not want to go and she came home sick. She did not have to go back to it.” It was a little over an hour that we were having our own little jam session before the alert went off on my phone that the grocery delivery was at the gate. I went up to let them in and get the groceries. As I made it to the living room I realized Jeremy was on my heels.

“Need some help?” He knew I wouldn’t need it but also seemed to know a moment alone would be nice. I nodded as I walked to the door I’d directed the delivery driver and he helped unload the groceries into the butler’s pantry that was by the dining room table. Jeremy and I then quickly moved the groceries to the kitchen and started to put them away. He’d been here enough that he almost knew where everything in my kitchen went without needing guidance. “You okay?” He’d let me get most of the groceries away while being quiet. He seemed to know that occasionally I needed to say nothing and to let me do that.

“I’m okay. Just a lot of memories rushing back today. It was a year ago today that I had my last really good day with Sam. We sat in the studio, we didn’t have work to do because she was technically on maternity leave with Axel because he was only a few weeks old. But she wanted out of the house so she took Ellery to a friend’s house for a play date and left Michael and Axel at home by themselves. We laid in the studio, listening to our favorite songs, playing music together and just having a really great best friend day. We recorded some of it for shits and giggles. I haven’t listened to it in a year. I have it but I’m afraid to. We weren’t singing anything we wrote, we were singing our favorite songs and being goofballs.” I took a deep breath. “And tomorrow. Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary and it will be a year since I saw my best friend alive. A year since I hugged her. A year since I told her I loved her and her reply with her usual ‘of course you love me, I’m fucking amazing’ and then she’d pause and say ‘I love you too, Chuck.’ A year since I saw her beautiful smile light up her face when she looked at her kids or her husband. A year since I told Michael to remember how lucky he was to marry her and get me as his bonus wife. Tomorrow is their 8th anniversary. Sam’s lucky number was 8.”

“I’m staying here tonight,” Jeremy said as he pulled me into a hug as the tears started to fill my eyes and I felt the lump in my throat that had lived there for the last 364 days.

“You have to get Ava in the morning.”

“I can get up early and leave. But I know that you need someone around tonight, and rather than letting that someone be your sister, I’d like it to be me. If you’re okay with that.” I nodded as I took a deep breath and felt a tear slide down my face. “Do you have room for Ava and I both tomorrow?”

“Of course. The girls would love to have Ava as part of their sleepover all weekend. I was going to suggest it whether you decided to stay here or not. The stuff will go late both nights, and I want you here with me. Ava will fit in perfectly with the three girls. We’ll have three boys here too. It will be a houseful. You and Ava will be the perfect addition.” He pressed his lips into my forehead.

“I think tonight you should show me all of your tattoos. I was trying to be a gentleman our first day hanging out, and while I saw some of the tattoos because you were in a bathing suit, it was high waisted, so I have a feeling I missed a few.” I laughed. It was the perfect thing to break my mood and make me smile.

“If you’re lucky, I’ll let you see them. Though I know, there is one you haven’t seen that is easy to spot.”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow at me. I pulled my arms back from around his chest as he kept his around me. I took my Apple Watch off, there on my wrist, in beautiful dainty handwriting, all lowercase letters, were the words ‘time makes you bolder.’ “Interesting.”

“It’s my Mom’s handwriting.”

“Like Stephanie? Your biological Mom?” I nodded. “When did you get that?”

“It the winter after I turned 28. I was struggling. I was working for a composer occasionally and getting a handful of really small jobs, nothing anyone would even really even know was me or ever see. So I disappeared for a few months to London to see if I could find work there. My Mom was still living there and Sam was there, she thought she was still in love with some guy she met when we went to stay with my Mom for spring break our senior year of college that she moved to London for. She was working in a coffee shop and playing open mic nights when she could. My Mom’s name is Stephanie. Most people call her that, it’s what she goes by professionally, Stephanie Rossi. But at some point in her life my Mom decided she wanted to be Stevie Nicks, she lucked out that her parents named her Stephanie. When they were still young and in love my Dad started calling her Stevie and it stuck. Honestly, Frankie and I both call her Stevie. I can’t remember the last time I called her mom.”

“So the tattoo?”

“Well, I’d been struggling with not doing what I really wanted to with music. I was considering that I’d gone the wrong direction and should maybe produce or focus on songwriting for pop and rock music instead of composing. Thought about putting a band together. I was lost, thus ending up roaming around England and Europe with my Mom. She understood how it felt to feel as lost as I was, fuck she left her entire family because she needed to chase her dream. I got my first big offer which got me to go home. I wasn’t going home to work for anyone else anymore. I was going to do the unthinkable and if necessary live off my trust fund until I was where I wanted to be, I was going to give it a year. Mom was so excited to see me make this GIANT bold decision. Sam realized it was the decision she needed to make and literally packed her bags in a split second to catch a plane with me. But the night before we left my Mom and I went to a tattoo shop and I got this. It’s from “Landslide.” Time makes you bolder, even children get older and I’m getting older too. My wrist clearly didn’t have space for all of it so Mom decided it should just be time makes you bolder.”

“And it’s made you bolder.”

“WAY bolder. Before my Dad told me to take time to go see my Mom I was positive I’d done everything wrong and should’ve gone to law school. I told Dad I was considering that I might need to work at his firm if I ever wanted to have a real-life and real job. He didn’t want to see that and knew Stevie would take care of any crazy ideas I had about being a real grown-up. I was their dreamer.”

“Do they get along now?” Jeremy asked.

“Yeah, fairly well. Things with Stevie were always hard for all of us. But she always says the one thing in her life that wasn’t a mistake was giving my Dad his girls. Even if it wasn’t the life she imagined for herself, it was the perfect life for him. She and Mandi is a different situation. She sort of threw us on Mandi without asking. Vinnie got a say in it and didn’t really give his wife an option. I mean, it’s better now but still not great. Small doses, and they are good.”

“She still isn’t coming this weekend?”

“No,” I said as I put my watch back on. “She’s off somewhere on a shoot and loving it. She called me yesterday morning to see if I had changed my mind and she offered to catch a flight. While it would be nice to have her here, it would just make everything worse. My Mom and Sam’s parents don’t get along well, which makes the whole fiasco of the funeral a worse thing than it could’ve been.”

“Why don’t they get along?”

“Well Sam moved to London at 24 and because moving directly in with a guy she fell in love with in the span of a week was a bad idea she crashed at my Mom’s place. Well her parents thought that she did. She really lived with the guy. But she told them she was moving in with my Mom. They thought my flighty mother had convinced their daughter to runaway after a guy that she introduced her to. It was a mess.” I laughed. “Stevie didn’t tell her to run away for love. I mean Stevie loves love and is always waiting for her next romance. But she wouldn’t encourage it with anyone else. Hell she tried to convince me that moving in with Patrick after 3 years was too fast. But because of that she and I both felt it would be best for her not to be here. She’ll be back in LA this summer and either come stay with me and the kids for a while or I’ll go home, stay with Dad and spend time with her.”

“That’s good.” He hugged me tighter again. “I wish I could hit fast forward on this weekend for you. Ryan said you had a meltdown on Frankie this morning because of the number of people that she and Alex invited.”

“Yeah, they invited 80 people. It’s possible that Saturday there will be 50 people in my fucking house. I am so NOT prepared for that.”

“That is a lot of people. But we will get you through it. Sunday will be a day at the pool with only the closest family. Monday when they are all gone I’ll just spoil you and let you sleep. Either I can help Savannah with all of the kids or we can bribe her and Tony to watch them so you can recharge and I can take care of you.”

“Are you real?”

“Yes?” He seemed confused by my question.

“I will absolutely need to recharge.”

“I know. Too much action is gonna stress you out.”

“Right. Well, I spent years with Patrick, who would always be mad that after a vacation or holiday or birthday party or work event or really anything, I’d need like two days of silence and sleep before I could be a functioning human again. He hated it. I finally started letting him stay at our place and would check into a hotel for a couple of days and sleep.”

“That’s odd, especially considering it was your condo.”

“Right? Okay so maybe he was a Dickhead sometimes. But you for real seem like you’re fictional if you’re going to let me have a day of silence after this.”

“I just want to make sure that you feel your best. Especially since I leave next weekend.”

“Don’t talk about that. I don’t want to think about it. We are so new if we are even a we, I don’t know. You leaving already sucks.” I pouted. He pouted back at me.

“You know if you hadn’t blown me off for two weeks we wouldn’t be so new, we’d just be mostly new.”

“You’re right but also shut up. I had my reasons.”

“I know, and I fully support them. You needed to get to the point where you felt okay attempting to be more than just their Mom. I get it.” I rested my head on his chest. “Do you want to go back downstairs?” I shook my head no.

“It’s quiet right now. I like that it’s quiet. Once they are all around again it won’t be quiet and I won’t be able to stand here like this with you. I’ll have to go back to basically pretending there’s an invisible forcefield around you that if I touch you I’ll get electrocuted.”

“Except you don’t. They all know we’ve been on a date. They will all know I’m sleeping here tonight and no offense, I’m not sleeping out at Tony’s.” I laughed. “I mean I can sleep on the couch in your room if you don’t want me in bed with you but I’m sleeping in your room. Maybe I’ll get to be the lucky one to stay up all night with you.”

“Maybe you will.” I stayed quiet for a minute as he swayed back and forth with me still in his arms. It was like I did sometimes when the kids cried. I’d try to soothe them with movement. It was working. I was fairly certain if I could figure out how to balance and not fall over I could fall asleep in his arms like this. “I’m sorry I hesitated.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“No, I need to. There’s a lot in my life that I’ve been afraid of the last year. I shouldn’t have been afraid of this.” I looked up at him and smiled before pressing my lips into his.

*****AUTHOR'S NOTE*****

First, I apologize for the delay with this chapter. It took much longer to get up than I expected. You may or may not have seen this so I will share a little bit about it again. It was just over two weeks ago that my grandfather passed away. Losing someone is never easy but it made some of this writing feel too real so I had to take a step back last week as we held his funeral and I worked my way through the beginning stages of grief.

Last weekend I started to feel more myself. I got back to work in a normal and productive manner. I work for myself so it was incredibly beneficial to be able to take the time necessary to process, grieve, and do the things I needed to do for myself. My grandfather was a very important person in my life and a huge part of who I am. I am obnoxiously proud of the fact that I am an Italian-American, my grandfather was the youngest son of two Italian immigrants who came to America for the hope of a better life. His father died when he was 18 months old. His mother could not read or write. His house was bilingual, mainly because their Mom struggled with English and her 7 children helped her to learn it based on what they were learning at school. There will likely never be a day in my life that I don't miss him, he was the strongest person I knew. He was 96 years old. He watched his parents, every one of his siblings, their spouses, some nieces and nephews, almost all of his cousins and a good portion of his friends die. But the hardest for him was losing my grandma. She was the center of his universe. I honestly think if he could've had it his way he would've held her hand while she died to help her through the end and then died right there with her. But instead, he lived on, for seven years without her. He missed her every day until he didn't have to miss her anymore. The unique thing for me is one of my friends was one of his nurses. She was able to tell me about her experience with him and the stories he was telling all of the staff about his bride and how he couldn't wait to see her again.

Needless to say, the sadness is still present and the tears still come like a waterfall on occasion, but working Charlie through her grief was honestly a helpful thing. Being able to sink my teeth into a chapter was not only healthy for me, it was freeing. I could take the feelings I have, adjust them for the purpose of how Charlie would feel and go with it. Writing is also my creative outlet. As someone who deals with depression and anxiety in a major, life-altering way my writing helps me to stay sane. So it's been an immense help. And I finally hit a good flow. I already have over 3,000 words of Chapter 11 on the way.

Okay, now about the chapter. I know it's long which most people love and it's maybe got stuff that doesn't seem important to people but I felt like the details about Charlie and who she is were important, especially as this awful anniversary approaches her. The happy memories are sometimes the hardest to face and she's facing them all head-on while still trying to be a good daughter, sister, mother, friend, and who knows maybe at some point be a good girlfriend. Having her family around her makes her feel whole. It's the thing about Italian-American families. We will argue and drive each other crazy but when it comes down to it family comes first and we'd protect them to the end. I know it sounds stereotypical but honestly, growing up in a city with a tight-knit Italian-American community has shown me how true it is. Italians also really know how to hold a grudge but that's for another day, haha. My Dad calls it Italian Alzheimers, they forget everything but the grudge. The closeness of the family and community of Italian-Americans is one of the reasons I'm drawn to writing characters that are part of that community. Also because it's what I know. The traditions, the family, even the arguing, it's my life and while I am not Charlie and don't have a ton in common with her, it's easy to write the interaction of her family. It's also why Everlee from In the Heat of Los Angeles was easy for me to write. There was a bit of a reflection of my family in theirs.

I am enjoying writing the shift in the relationship between Charlie and Jeremy. They are fun to write. They are an interesting couple for me to write. They have so much in common while still being very different from each other. Jeremy is quickly becoming a huge support system for Charlie, which is what she needs. It doesn't hurt that he's easy on the eyes and a good kisser.

As for the news recently about Jeremy. I am an outside observer, a fan. I don't know what is true what isn't true. I believe that cancel culture is toxic, even the law states innocent until proven guilty. I am going to continue this story because the Jeremy I've created is a character I love. If at some time the circumstances regarding the news from this week change, I'll re-evaluate. But for now, we will continue on this Adventure. I hope you are all willing to stick with me.

I'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter, good and bad. It's been a tough few weeks for me so my writing could be completely off of it's normal. Your support, even if it's silent, means a lot but I would really love to hear from you. What intrigues you about this? Why you started reading it and maybe why you're still reading it? If you've read any of my other writing I'd love to hear how you feel about this as it is obviously very different from my past writing.

I am filled with endless gratitude for you all. Thank you for letting me take the time this needed. Hopefully 11 continues on as easily as it has started.

xx. Annie

[koganphrancis]

Camless Episode 4

(gif credit: winifred-burkle)

It’s a landmark episode and not a lot happens, as always.  If they didn’t have the fact it was the 100th episode to talk about, they’d pretty much have nothing at all.  Another episode without bringing up Terror (yay!), another episode without sex or a titty shot (shock!), another episode where we learn nothing about wtf is going on with Ian (yawn).  I HAD thought the show had managed to wrap up 3 storylines, but then I saw spoilers online last night that would indicate at least 2 of them will go on :(  Spoilers and not much else under the cut.

Ian got the “here’s what you missed” again this week, which I’m taking as another sign Cam is nearing the swan song ;)  But, ugh,the opening wasn’t funny-or understandable-at all.  Cam’s standing in front of a busload of extras they must’ve bussed in from a local Chicago school of modeling to portray Gay Jesus supporters, he’s wearing his “God Loves Fags” T shirt and says, “What the fuck were you doing last week that was more important than watching Shameless?  Protesting homophobia and bigotry?  Damn right you were.”  WTF?  If people weren’t watching Shameless last week they were exercising good taste, not “protesting” somewhere at 9 PM on a Sunday-or does he mean not watching this shit show is a protest against homophobia and bigotry?  That actually does make sense.  I apologize ;P

Liam  Whatever the point was of aging him and doing a time jump after Monica died went out the window last night when Liam is approached by some public school teachers about his placement for the next school year.  Liam is afraid he’s going to be kept back, but they assure him it’s the opposite, they want to move him up.  He asks if he’ll be put in 3rd grade, but they say they want to try him in 6th.  But if Liam thought skipping a grade would put him in 3rd, that means currently he’s in 1st and the oldest that would make him right now is 7.  The fuck?  The only reason I’m talking about any of this is because that’s how lame the show is now.

Carl  Lip FINALLY says something to him about the dogs smelling up the whole house.  And then shockingly Ian and Carl have a conversation about the dogs too-and West Point.  But of course this is the year of the Gallagher house seeming weird and creepy, so the conversation takes place with a very catatonic-like Ian sitting on the basement steps in weird shadows whilst Carl feeds the dogs.  The brotherly convo goes like this: Ian: Sure they wouldn’t have been better off if you just gassed them like you were supposed to? Carl: I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I: How are you going to order men (note to JW-women can serve in the armed forces now too, even in combat) to kill the enemy if you can’t put down a couple of old dogs?  That’s what officers do-order men (!!!) to kill.  What did you think they were gonna teach you at West Point?  Marching cadences? C: Is that what Gay Jesus would do? I: What, kill old dogs?  Hell no, Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you’re not looking to get into heaven.  You want to lead lean mean murdering machines.  (DID ANYONE EVER THINK THAT WAS IAN’S GOAL IN GOING TO WEST POINT?  LEADING KILLING MACHINES TO THEIR DEATHS?  I HATE YOU, JOHN WELLS!)  If you can’t kill a couple of old dogs might be the time to start considering teaching kindergarten?  Nursing school?  

On that note, he gets up and walks away.  Let me interject another rant here-since WHEN is Ian this insensitive sexist jerk who would think of jobs/careers in terms of things real men do vs. traditionally (in the dark ages) “feminine” jobs?  John Wells is a fucking dinosaur that needs to be educated-fucking teaching and nursing jobs are as difficult as soldiering, plus these days they’re expecting teachers to start protecting classrooms with weapons.  He’s such a dumb fuck!

And also-I bet this is the only time Ian will speak to Carl about West Point and we’ll never know how he truly felt about watching Carl grasp at the dream he once had.  Way to blow the opportunity.

There’s a whole stupid side story about Carl and the kid who originally was getting the West Point letter of recommendation.  In another add it to the list of “read the room, school kids arranging to shoot each other isn’t funny, you fucking out of touch white males” plots, Carl needs to get his “killing mojo” back so he goes to visit a local veteran.  I can’t even begin to guess if Wells was trying to make some commentary about PTSD or if he was just using the poor guy for laughs (this is Shameless, as they love to remind us, so I’m guessing Wells was just going for yuks).  The show makes its at least THIRD joke using tattoos as a punchline, and-just like with Mickey and Ian-it fails to be funny.  Get new material, you untalented hack!  Sorry I keep yelling at John Wells-what a waste if he’s not actually reading this ;) 

In Carl’s showdown with the other kid, Wells turns that kid into a poetry-spouting “pansy” at the last second.  The kid can’t bring himself to shoot Carl, so he shoots himself in the thigh saying his warmonger dad can’t make him enlist in the Marines now even if he’s not going to West Point.  I’m sitting at home wondering if the idiot nicked his femoral artery and is about to bleed out.  Carl says the self inflicted wound is just a flesh wound and they’ll be able to tell, so the kid starts blabbering poetry and Carl shoots him in the other thigh to shut him up.  The kid thanks him and Carl walks away.   Now I’m convinced that second shot had to hit the femoral artery and no one’s calling 911 and I bet the kid dies and Carl’s path to West Point is now strewn with his body and Kassidi’s.  

Debbie  I can’t...I’ll try, I’ll try to be brief, because it’s all meaningless.  After spending one night together, Alex says they should live together (because that’s what ALL wacky lesbians do, they move right in), and Debs says yes.  They get to have a cute domestic breakfast scene that by rights should’ve gone to Mickey and Ian, but I digress.  Debbie goes out and buys “lesbian” outfits, which to me just seemed like they were making fun of HER-of course she’s going to hit the mall, she’s just a teenager!  She doesn’t have to be the spokeswomen of lesbians everywhere.  This show has a knack of mocking the wrong things at the wrong times.  It’s their shitty writing, not teen spending habits, that’s ridiculous here.

The next time we see them, they’re in bed again, and Alex is filling Debbie in on her past serious relationships, and then Wells gives Debbie a speech about all the dudes she slept with and it’s so much more cringe-worthy thinking about the fact he wrote it.  Plus it’s another “relationship retcon” speech since Debbie doesn’t mention that every other time she’s had sex it was a form of rape.  Matty (who Wells has Debbie say had a “big dick”) wasn’t conscious (and, btw, John, a 12 year old virgin-which is the oldest Debbie could’ve been at the time with all your screwing around with her still being 16 last year-wouldn’t be all that enthusiastic about “big dicks” for her very 1st time), Derrick (who she lied to about birth control-if he had slipped off a condom right before entering her that would be rape and this case is also-Wells says he had a great body and really knew what he was doing), and the guy she crossed state lines with who was obviously over 21 if he could rent a hotel room in Missouri, PLUS she was drugged and unable to give consent-that dude’s a two for!  Debbie doesn’t mention him, since she can’t remember him, I guess.  She brings up Neil, but says being with him was just financial (she doesn’t bother to say he just watched while she did things to herself.  But hey, if they had had sex, that would’ve been another case of statutory!)  Anyway, then Wells has Debbie spout off about what having sex with another “girl” is like and Alex gets more and more dejected.  She’s just now seeing that Debbie’s not gay?  We’re supposed to feel sorry for her?  When in the previous episode which SEEMS to have taken place the day before (or a couple of weeks, tops, if you’re going by Liam’s time line) Alex said right out loud that she knew Debbie was straight?  WHY IS THIS SHOW SO DUMB?  We haven’t gotten to know Alex well enough to have sympathy for her regardless, but they made the point of letting us know she KNEW going in Debbie is straight.  And of course in John Wells’ world, there’s no such thing as bisexuals, so...

Deb and Alex “break up” (who cares?) and I thought that would be the end of Alex and Debbie’s gay storyline, but no-sounds like they’re going to be the new Ian and Terror-next week “Debbie tries to repair things with Alex” according to Spoiler TV.  NOOOOO!  I wanted that to be one of my three wrapped up storylines!  

Debbie comes back into the Gallagher kitchen, dragging her baby carriage and pillow with her and crying her heart out.  None of the siblings appear very concerned-this is the new Shameless, a bunch of strangers occasionally bumping into each other.  The biggest “shocker” of the scene is the family is eating Popeye’s instead of KFC.  Another jolt that we don’t even know these people anymore, LOL.

Lip  I can’t...I just don’t understand the motivation to try to make Xan part of his life when he doesn’t seem to be bonding with her in the least.  He asks her if she’d want to stay with him if her mom never comes back-but doesn’t tell the kid why HE wants her to stay or ask Xan why she would want to stay when she says okay.  The story is hollow and no one seems to try to be filling it with any substance.  

There’s a couple of scenes at the motorcycle shop and it’s so obvious Lip and Brad have no idea what they’re doing-they always just grab wrenches and poke at bike parts with them.  Last night Lip kept using the ratchet wrench-I think JAW must like the noise it makes.  

Lip sells the bike he restored to get money to buy parental rights from Xan’s mom, and it’s just creepy?  Why would the mom know to trust him?  I’m still not even convinced WE should trust him-sharing a room with her is creepy af.  Anyway, Xan comes running up when Lip’s trying to get the mom to make the deal (and why is Xan out unsupervised in the middle of the night on a dark South Side street?  Even if she did “just” sneak out to look for her mom, this is a clear example that Lip isn’t father of the year, that he’s not meeting the bare minimum requirements as a guardian), and the mom drops to hug Xan because it’s the 100th episode and these two characters we barely know should get the big emotional scene?  Anyway, Lip drops the check and runs, overwhelmed by an actual show of emotion, no doubt.  THIS was the 2nd storyline I was hoping would be over, but then TMZ reported that the actress who plays Xan has been signed for Season 10.  Which, BTW, still hasn’t been officially announced and that just seems weird that they haven’t.  What is Showtime waiting for?  

Fiona  Ugh, she was worse than ever this week.  Can’t believe these are her waning days-it truly seems like Wells is out to punish her.  Fi is on the toilet as Bored brushes his teeth.  Fiona goes right from flushing to brushing her teeth WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS.  It was so gross-I hope next episode she and Bored have pink eye and mouth thrush.  (Fi also touches her lip after putting on lipstick-still without the benefit of soap.)  They still have no fucking chemistry, and they start talking about the election which of course they don’t see eye to eye on.  Then Fi goes to Patsy’s for the first time in forever and Wells gets to recycle the Fi vs Ian fight over gentrification from last season by having Fi on the opposite side of Frank’s candidate, although they don’t bother to give us any face-to-face interaction.  Which is just fine, since the election storyline was boring and weak anyway.  

Fi is a total...I don’t even know the word-what do you call a boss who doesn’t allow their workers their freedom as voters?  She tells the waitresses to take off their buttons supporting their candidate and that there can be “no electioneering” at the workplace, but puts up a poster for her guy and offers free pie to anyone who puts on one of his buttons.  Would she ever really be that clueless and such a bully?  Does anyone care anymore?  

Later, Fiona goes to the Alibi and has a conversation with Vee where she basically says, “This is what Ford is telling me to think this week...”  Fiona says she wants to vote for the guy against rent control, the businessman  And Vee points out that “the businessman” in Washington isn’t working out too great.  Ooh, Shameless, rushing in with the timely political commentary!  (There will be more too, ugh.)

When Fi shows up at her (or a?) polling place, there’s a rumble going on and Wells has her throw one punch to show us she’s still “South Side”, I guess.  It was gratuitous.  It did not remind us of the show’s glory days, it was a thrown in pointless moment that was so outrageously just tacked on. 

In Fiona’s final scene this week, Bored walks into the apartment building with his massive wooden toolbox reminding us he’s a massive tool, and Fiona tells him how she changed her vote, they kiss, and women’s rights are set back another 100 years.  Oh, and Bored still squints A LOT delivering his lines.  Emmy seems to open hers even wider, probably unconsciously trying to get the other actor to at least try to keep his open once in a while...

Veronica and Kevin  There was some more truly awful “rape jokes” this week. Rape is never going to be funny, and with the week this country suffered through last week-plus the fact that it’s still ongoing-I really wish they had just deleted all the Alibi scenes.  Kev makes up a scoreboard or bingo sheet (it isn’t clear) of all the “types” of rapey behavior that can now be shorthanded into a celebrity’s name.  I won’t even justify the “joke” with some examples.  And then KEVIN becomes a sought-after consultant to make other South Side bars less rapey because he’s the white man running the Alibi and Vee is...not.  

Frank is in the episode more than I’m going to talk about, but suffice it to say I do truly believe his election storyline is over (one out of three is not good enough, Shameless!  Wrap up the boring shit that’s going nowhere and do something with the other shit that’s also going nowhere!)   Mo wins the election, and Wells has a reporter say it’s because voters were afraid to say they were bigots in polls.  Which again, this show is too narrow to try to address larger issues-if that’s Wells’ theory why Trump won, it doesn’t explain how “bigoted voters” elected Obama twice.  Try making the world a better place, Wells.  Yes, there is racism and idiot bigotry here, but there was just something smug about how he justified his fictional political outcome.  There was a scene where Frank’s asking some of the Gallaghers if they’re voting-Carl says he’s too young, Lip says he’s not registered, and Ian says, “What’s the point?”  And that pissed me off too, because we’re having Gay Jesus shoved down our throats, but then Wells seems to be saying Ian won’t bother to vote and would rather blow shit up.  Again, the kid that ORIGINALLY had the dream to serve his country by going to West Point.  And fucking Lip-what, he’s too “smart” to think voting matters?  

(Also in that scene, Ian was eating peanut butter toast, but still no sign of his pill bottles.  Cam actually took a bite of the toast, if that type of dedication to his craft matters to anyone.)

The post credits “joke” was a pedo joke about Mo.  Fuck you, John Wells.  

The only thing Frank was good for this week was to lead us back to Mickey’s house.  As so often with this show, I have to forget context (good thing I’ve had plenty of practice, I guess?) and I will fully admit that when I saw Mickey’s little castle of a house I teared up a little.  It was like seeing an old friend.  

But then of course they had to ruin it by Frank knocking on the door, we hear Terry yelling and hitting a dog named Adolf (they put a yelp in and everything) and Terry opens the door wielding a baseball bat that brought Negan and Jeffery Dean Morgan to mind-I hope that was a shout out to him.  The bat had nails in embedded in it instead of barbed wire, but close enough.  Best not to imagine how much cooler the show might have been with JDM instead of Sean, sigh.  

A much funnier joke than anything they did give us about Mo White would’ve been to have Frank ask Terry, “Still have a connection with Russians?  I have an election to rig.”

Finally we get to Ian but just because he had more screen time this week doesn’t mean we’re any closer to knowing anything.  And I was going to bust Cameron for acting very sleepy and out of it in all of his scenes, but then I realized that’s pretty much how all the Gallagher kids actors have been acting, except for Fiona (and I’d say she’s trying too hard sometimes.  There’s also been lots of scenes so far where it seems like she’s phoning it in-but of course they’re giving her shit to do).  

Anyway, things this episode start in the Gallagher kitchen, Ian groans when he sees the coffee’s all gone, and says he’s not sleeping-he got too used to all the noise in jail, it’s too quiet here.  Well, bitch, the house was always lively when the Milkovich siblings were there too, work on getting them back...

Lip asks him if he met his public defender yet and Ian says Geneva and the Gay Jesus donors got him a lawyer, “rich, queer, too much time on his hands since same sex marriage got fixed.”  Um, why is Ian sounding so put out with the guy without even meeting him?  What’s this superiority complex?  

Later Ian walks into GJ church HQ and he’s limping, but I don’t think it’s a continuity error, I think they probably just had him film scenes out of order that day and I think he went a little too hard, LOL.  Anyway, the GJ kids applaud and Geneva hugs him-she’s into it, he’s not.  At the HQ they’re making silk screen shirts with Ian’s face and Gay Jesus signs.  Geneva is once again spouting out statistics, saying how wildly popular the movement is, 77,000 followers in the past five days-One Direction at their height was gaining popularity around the globe like that, not this Gay Jesus shit.  Ian doesn’t seem to be listening too closely to what she’s spewing, and when two body-builder women walk by he asks Geneva who they are.  She says they’re part of the lesbian legion from an MMA gym and adds, “Your gays turned out to be too sweet to handle security.”  Whatever-they keep trying to act like there’s all this dynamic action happening off screen-NO ONE CARES since all we ever see is Ian moping around, looking like Cameron has a headache.

Next time we see Ian he’s walking around outside in his red kicks (really wish we knew the significance of those-are they supposed to be like Jesus’ sandals?  What happened in the cut scene where he left them in the aisle last season?  I only want to know because the show seems to think they mean SOMETHING)-anyway, where’s Ian going?  Why?  We’re never told-great storytelling this ain’t, kids.  A van slows up next to him and a guy leans out and says, “You’re Ian, right?  Gay Jesus?”  How did the guys in the van know where Ian would be walking?  Do they just circle the Gay Jesus church hoping he’ll come out?  Again, we’ll never know.  The guy continues, “I’ve been watching your videos with my friends.  The burning vans, the sermons-it’s inspiring.”  Ian says thanks.  The guy says, “You really think that’s what Jesus was teaching?”  Ian says, “Inclusion, love, acceptance for all?  Yeah, absolutely.”  Then the van guy says, “You don’t think God sees homosexual bestiality as a sinful perversion of His divine creations?”  Ian’s confused, says, “What?”, sees the sliding panel door of the van open, and takes off running, jumping over fences and at some point in his getaway, pulling some muscle in his tight jeans.  

Next time we see Ian he’s sitting alone in the Gallagher kitchen nursing a beer and his thigh.  (No Bible this time-no sign of his pills either.)  Lip comes in and asks him if he’s okay and Ian says he maybe pulled a hamstring running from homophobes.  Lip says, “I guess there’s nothing new about that, right?” and you wonder just when he stopped caring so completely about his brother.  

Ian doesn’t bother to answer, sips his beer instead.  After a minute he quietly asks Lip, “Think you could do hard time?” Lip: In prison?  Uh...rather not.  I: Gay Jesus kids don’t want me to cop a plea.  Want me to take it to trial.  Get as much publicity for the cause as I can. L: What’s your lawyer say? I: Could be looking at 10-15 if I don’t take a deal.  (Me at home, screaming at the TV: WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?  WHY CAN’T THEY EVER TELL US ANYTHING?  WHAT ARE THEY SAYING YOU DID THAT’S ON PAR WITH MICKEY’S BULLSHIT ATTEMPTED 2ND DEGREE MURDER SENTENCE????)

Lip, rather than saying ANYTHING to the brother he’s closest to about maybe not giving up his entire young adulthood to a cause, not saying something like, “You’d be older than the real Jesus got to live till by the time you get out”, not saying if he thinks Ian’s an idiot if he’s even questioning doing hard time in a bad place, no, rather than that, he takes his coffee out of the microwave and comes around the counter to the same side as Ian and says, “You ah, hearing from Shim again?” I: Sometimes.  (Me at home: WHAT?  WHEN?  What does that look like when it happens?) L: Well, what does Shim think? I: Unclear.  (Oh, Ian, are you kidding me?  All this time you thought you were talking to god but you’ve just been playing with a Magic 8 Ball?) L: Xan’s mom showed up today.  (Guess we’re done talking about Ian then!)  She’s a junkie.  Hookin’... I: What are you going to do? L: I don’t know. I: Maybe you should try asking Shim. L: Maybe.  

End scene.  So again, we get tantalizingly close to a discussion about what might be going on inside Ian’s head-is he getting it?  That the Gay Jesus movement is just using him at this point?  Or does he really think going to prison as the highly recognizable face of said movement is going to work out somehow-other than him not dying a painful and brutal death?  And why can’t Lip give enough of a shit to at least ask him not to go?  Fuuuuuuck.  

Next Ian’s back at GJ HQ.  Geneva comes in and says she didn’t see him come in.  He says he came in the back-all the hugging and applause when he comes in the front is kinda weird.  Since Geneva is the only one who ever hugs him, I hope she’s getting the hint.  He’s looking over the “Free Gay Jesus” posters.

Ian: What is this? Geneva: Couple of the arty kids are working out a few ideas for if you do end up in prison. I: Couple assholes in a van chased me last night.  Apparently they’re not very big fans of my interpretation of Bible verse. G: Fuckers.  I’ll get you a couple of lesbian legion body guards.  They’d love nothing more than to a chance to stomp homophobes.  (Because, yeah, THAT was Jesus’ message.) Ian holds up a Che Jesus shirt with an unintentionally hilarious graphic of him wearing a beret-Showtime probably thinks fans want to buy them (I wrote these notes before Steve Howey tweeted he wants one last night.  It got less than a thousand likes, and I bet that number would be less than half if Cam hadn’t replied).  

I: Think any of this is gonna end up making a difference? G: Ian, you’ve given thousands of gay and lesbian teenagers a voice.  (Insert Mickey gif of “Not really tho” here.)  You’ve inspired us to stand up and fight for ourselves.  

So much wrong with so much of that.  First of all, is Geneva LGBT?  She was a runaway who ran away from having to give blowjobs, right, not because her parents kicked her out for being LGBT?  And she’s been crushing on Ian since Day 1, so, probably not “L”, and Wells clearly doesn’t believe in “B”, so who is Geneva to say “us”?  And next, IF Ian/Gay Jesus has given kids “a voice”, what is he saying for them-are the teens really into his whole “Jesus was a junkie”, “my god is non-binary” shouting that they haven’s shown since last year?  Don’t teens get bored and move on to the next thing when their idols aren’t doing anything new?  Lastly, she says they are standing up and fighting for themselves-where, when, how?  

I: Know what I was thinking when I was running away from those bastards?  (Me at home: NO!  We never know what you’re thinking!  That’s the whole damn problem with your storylines!)  It’s been 2000 years since Jesus died on the cross and I’m still running for my life down an alley because I fall in love with men instead of women.  (No, Ian, you’ve only ever loved one (1) man-fucking admit that for once and then get on with your life.  That line should’ve been “have sex with”, no one deserves to be chased down for that either, and it wouldn’t have made me exasperated with Ian over the whole “love” thing, which is a separate issue this show fucking needs to handle before it’s all said and done with Ian.)  

Then one of the GJ kids comes in to report there’s a bunch of Nazi’s keeping people from getting to one of the polls and we don’t see Ian again this episode. But again, I hope that they’re finally having him wake up to the fact that NO ONE cares about him.  The family has washed its hands of him, the Gay Jesus followers WANT him to go to prison (and probably die) and be a martyr for the cause.  Time to ask yourself who is the only person who ever looked at you and actually saw you there, Ian.  The only person to look you in the eye and say, “I love you.”