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#dont even care if he hates me. we can hate fuck
nandermoenthusiast · 1 year
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guys i have been in a state for days. i am giddy i am gasping for air i am broken inside i am blushing i am sweating i am twirling my hair i am suffering i dont know how to deal with the very real possibility that nandor has loved guillermo for years and has been restraining himself, feigning aloofness, keeping his distance, because all these years he understood that maybe guillermo would never be ready for vampirism - and maybe hes been so depressed in the latest years because hes finally found someone he wants to spend eternity with, and he strongly suspects he will spend eternity missing them instead
#i truly truly truly dont know how to deal#this season recontextualised the whole show for me#if i shipped nandermo before now i am absolutely batshit crazy about them and its all i think about#wwdits#wwdits spoilers#what we do in the shadows#nandermo#this is just speculation but i just - i feel it in my bones#like fuck imagine having been alone for 800 years. fuck. imagine losing lover after lover and being kind of a disaster at romance actually#imagine finding someone you so easily connect with and theyre so amazing you love them so much they can even hold their own against you#and fuck they like you back. and then you understand that they are too fundamentally kind to be a monster.#and its like a fucking stake through the heart its like youre made of glass and youre shattering#i hate this and i swear to god. they need to end up together. not just to end up together#they need to spend the rest of their lives together and ideally eternity tbh#i dont care gizmo you get over the killing hangup and have nandor turn you and spend eternity in#bliss and shenanigans. like man. man. man. i love how this season turned out i really do#but i hope its more of a ‘he had not thought it through and wasn’t ready and also we need to have nandor do it fr’#anyway nandor becoming human is also ok but i really hope that they find a way to navigate guillermos inability to kill#like. nandor killing for him or him robbing blood banks or him only hunting predators etc#or him feeding without killing people#just bc i still really like the concept of them having so much time together and their time together not be limited#i feel like after all those years pining for one another. they deserve that
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netherdevil · 2 months
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unnormal vivilly dweller thoughts in my head
#“I'm right next to you” are we about to kiss. are you trying to kiss me right neow#i hate the chase sequence part (corny and unoriginal) but everything else is so perfect#hEeEeLP MEeEeEE#i fuckign love vivilly anyway but i think the vivilly dweller is what Really did it fr me#SERIOUSLY THOUGJ WHAT THE FUCK#i would make a palpers dweller but i dont think my computer can with how shit it is rn#like i definitely will at some point (unless someone beats me to it) but i just can't rn 😭#i csnt wait for august viv face reveal guys!!!! YAY!!!! idc what he looks like he will always be so splinkoid#plus whatever characteristics he has i can kinda just add on to my design to him behind his mask#i color his skin as dark grey just for his mc skin but seeing his snapchat n stuff makes me wanna show him off as rhe eyeblinding man he is#or not! who knows . i have a tendency to do whatever#okay speakijg of his face reveal#i have something i want to explain to the wall#a part of me is hoping he isnt generic conventionally attractive guy 38495839488#the rest of me is neutral because idrc#the reason why is most likely because i would feel a deeper connection to him if we shared similar facial features#it's a good reason i think? but still weird to have because i shouldnt really care what he looks like at all#idk what to expect really but i guess i should be open minded abt it#I JUST. a lot of how i perceive him is through his mc character#that played a big part in how i grew to like him so much#but he ISN'T emo hoodie minecraft shyguy!!!#however i can still enjoy the 'persona' he has online. chill sarcastic insane funny blocky shyguy who does a little (A LOT OF) trolling#anyway back to what i was saying#hope bro isn't majestic as fuck irl#IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE DREAM I'M GOING TO CRY#DREAM IS MAJESTIC AS FUCK I CANT EVEN WITH THAT MAN#i will be supportive anyway ofc because 1) i dont care even though i just proved that i do 2) i can separate persona from irl person 3)...U#IM SO NORMAL#also we're not goijg toctalkcabou t the dream thing. if youre my irl yoy didnt aee this (PLEASE DONT UNFRIEND ME OELASE#DONT LEAVE JUST FORGER Iなはoops didnt mean to type thatSAID THAT OKAY
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thedevotionaltour · 4 days
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i havent even read enough gl to justify the feelings and emotions i have about kyle i just have the lovers heart and also something wrong with me. and my projection. in my mind he's just like me. and he would have loved college vending machine frozen cheeseburger and heating it up in the microwave at 1 in the morning because he was bored and didn't want to work on a drawing assignment on 20" x 30" paper that was due tomorrow in his freshman year. he would have loved going to the club to push off finals work that's creating the worst stress known to man in his brain. and he would love to annoy the fuck out of his roommate when high and avoiding homework on a saturday.
#IN MY MIND HE'S JUST LIKE ME and i understand why he dropped out of art school also.#i need to get back to my readings but im too into thinking about the couple dozen issues i have read#and then going i wonder what he was like in college. and the answer is definitely fucking annoying.#if i knew him i know we would be not arguing in art history class. i would be saying his takes are stupid outside of class during break.#and he would go i dont know how somoene can defend british utilitarian furniture so vehemently and try to liken it to bauhaus design#our arguments would also stem from having very different art history and therefore philosophy education. his background would be from a pro#who would focus on european canon as per usual while my prof was coming from the perspective of someone with a phd in asian art history#and a curriculum based mostly around exploring and investigating non euro art work and how movements like modernism and#post modernism functioned in other continents.#this is such a main blog post but idont care. EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW HOW I PROJECT AND INTERACT WITH HIM IN MY MIND#he would also hate how i argue for art even i dont care about by approaching it at the philosophical angle.#'how do you like this it's barely even art. or it is art. but it's a boring cop out for suckers. honestly.'#'the thing is i dont like it. i just think you need to expand your world views and stop being close minded. youre limiting yourself.'#you might go eiffel what are you basing this on? the answer is vaguely remembered panels in my mind plus generally taste opinions of his i#can gleam from what art references they give him within issues.#it would also be funny bc like. he has a background in design... he's just stubborn and snobby i think when it then comes to the realm of#fine arts. i think his opinions and how they operate in regards to design + illustration + non gallery art are probably quite different#but i cant lie. from the singular 'i dont wanna be some loser who shows up with a blank canvas to a gallery' panel i remember someone talki#about in a post i have used it to create a variety of thoughts i think he could have had.#and the answer is the opinions of someone definitely a little annoying in art school. with a pretty standard traditional training#and background that stems from euo+american art history and sensibilities that inform how he interacts with art. which is very normal#but i think it's funny to view him as someone i would probably roll my eyes at for some comments he would be making.#and it gets funnier with how he acts generally as a person.#kyle you cant be this snobby when you are drawing pin ups of your work crush in your home studio...#good lord this got so long i have a problem. hi. sorry to my new follower your kyle posting made me go ha ha kyle. i like that guy.#static.soundz#back issues box#< it might as well go there bc i blabbed way too hard and too much. sorry. overtaken by an entity in my mind
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lycanthian · 6 months
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there is nothing more inhumanly frustrating to me than when someone tries to correct you on something and by all accounts theyre right except that in doing so they have wrongly assumed what you are trying to do
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piplupod · 7 months
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one of the cashiers at the grocery store i go to is so fucking fixated on shoplifters and it drives me crazy any time i check out through him (i try to avoid him but his checkout is often the most open/empty - hm! i wonder why! - and im often on a tight schedule w the bus). he brings up shoplifters every opportunity he gets and he seems so convinced that theyre a huge problem.
BUT WHAT REALLY GETS ME ,,, is that today the customer in front of me was needing a price check on one of the items bc it should've come out to be cheaper, so he was kind of apologetic abt it and saying "ah well, yknow, six dollars is six dollars, especially with how expensive groceries are right now" and i was nodding and agreeing (trying to show that i dont mind the wait and also solidarity my guy good for u for speaking up and getting the price fixed on that) AND THE CASHIER AGREES. FULLY ACKNOWLEDGES AND BEMOANS THE FACT THAT GROCERIES ARE CRAZY RN. AND THEN GOES ON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SHOPLIFTERS. HUH ??????
so you agree that groceries are unreasonably expensive... and that sometimes ppl can't afford them... and yet ....................
#HE MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY CMONNNN THINK ABOUT IT DUDE....#i knew him in highschool (small town things lol) and im pretty sure he was one of those kids who thought cops were really cool. so. yknow.#not surprised. just annoyed fdjkl#i would say smth like ''oh does ur paycheque get docked if shoplifters come thru or smth?'' but i dont want to piss him off#i would like to remain civil with the cashiers here bc its the only grocery store i can get to most of the time fdsjkl#but like. i would love to find out why he hates shoplifters so much#when i worked at DQ in highschool and ppl stole dilly bars or FULL CAKES... i did not give a single shit#even though the managers and boss would get kind of angry at us (but they knew we couldnt do anything abt it really lmao)#and then we had to put locks on the customer-facing freezers which was a hassle for us#AND STILL. I NEVER FELT ANGRY AT THE SHOPLIFTERS. BECAUSE WHATEVER DUDE LIFE IS EXPENSIVE GO GET THAT ICE CREAM!!!#also i was not paid enough to care LMFAO and i know for a fact that this cashier isn't paid enough either bc my brother used to work there#I DUNNO DUDE. HONESTLY I HAVE MAD RESPECT FOR SHOPLIFTERS#i've potentially done it a few times and its fucking terrifying esp w the amount of cameras installed now fdsjkl#i dont do it now even though i need to more than ever bc i was making myself sick every time i possibly did it#i'd get home and sit in the bathroom for an hour trying to make sure i wasnt about to throw up from the stress fdsjkl#also it was stupid to do honestly (but . needed. so yknow.) bc again. i dont have any other options for accessible grocery stores really#ANYWAYS. fuck that cashier i hope he realizes what a little narc he's being and gains some class consciousness or smth idk#all for one and one for all etc etc etc we're all in this together my guy#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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jrueships · 1 year
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the kitty stretch continues with stef !!
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more kitties under the cut cus i liked them lol
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i think this one is dead
#kind of crazy how ive been thinking abt wanting to see just a little glimpse of the stef tummy#like hes almost 30! show us the little tum tum!#i watch sports for the downstairs fridge just used as a freezer ok!!#im not here for the cadavers or the chalamettes or whatever#show me the tummies!!!!!#stef and allen snuggling on the couch with allen just wearing some tshirt with an old icecream stain he couldnt wash out#stef is wearing some big fluffy extravagent robe of course#he dresses up to have a fashion show at home he doesnt care ! he will be adored eitherway!!!#diggs splayed across allens lap .. tossing pink starbursts from his bag into joshs mouth (trying to anyways#or taking selfies while lying on allens lap using his wide white tshirted self as some makeshift backdrop for his selfies#he gets an insta comment abt ' that weird splotch on his 'bathroom wall'#'.....moldew.' *blocks him#hes sending that picture to allen rn theyre having phones*x actually#this entire offseason has just been diggs and allens hates*x f*replay#weve BEEN saying this ok!!#this is diggs/allens f*replay world and we're just LIVING in it sadly !#we pass them having s*x against a wall of any kind (shower brick wallpaper mirror whatever! they dont care!!)#and we dont even blink it's like the billboards in Fahrenheit 51 like we see that same stretch everyday#we dont care we just speed past it and try to hit a human if we can who gives a fuck#not us!#not us man!!#.... i need them to kiss and make up. desperately.#diggs
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echoesofadream · 1 year
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i need him oh my god everyone i need him
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mydr3aminvi0let · 4 months
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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waywardsalt · 1 year
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hopefully the last bitter post i make abt totk, but i had this realization abt it
(starting with the disclaimer that this is very much based on what I personally value in video games, on my feelings towards totk, this is subjective unless I start getting into objective things)
this was going to be a longer post but i am exhausted and i don't know how to really word this, but; totk feels like a world built almost exclusively on doylist explanations. it does not feel like a natural place, it does not feel like a time that takes place a few years after botw, it does not feel like a story that happens because events happened in this world; it feels like a video game location created for player entertainment, the whip-lash inducing shift from sheikah tech focus to zonai exists literally because the devs wanted to give the players shiny new toys while the old sheikah stuff doesn't take up any space, the story is clearly an afterthought compared to gameplay and an excuse to give the player more little things to play with, the worldbuilding has little thought put into it past new ways for the player to have fun and do new things, any and all references to past games (even to fucking botw) are very shallow callbacks that either make no sense in context or are just stupid little winks to those who aren't new to the game, while much of the extremely awkward inconsistencies with botw are there because they wanted to cater to new people.
this story doesn't build on botw's story, it rolls back and stampedes over some ideas from that game, it's a squeal for the sake of giving people these characters and this world again with some tweaks and fliers, the musical references to divine beasts and champions mean absolutely nothing in context and are only there as hollow references in lieu of using any new and relevant leitmotifs, characters that are flat on the surface and downright confusing and nonsensical and marinated in old stale tropes if you look any deeper, the villain being ganondorf specifically does not matter in context because nothing unique to ganondorf the character is ever explicitly important and he was just put in because he's the popular zelda villain, the references are hollow and carry no meaning in the greater scheme of things, the story itself ends by returning to the way everything was when the game started because oh we can't have our precious well-known ip important characters be permanently disabled or forever altered in a meaningful way.
it's so painfully... all there because it's a fictional work created for an audience seeking fun. it's so obviously like that because it was created with the goal of fixing things from a previous title and adding new things without any regard for narrative cohesion or good worldbuilding.
as someone who enjoys games with stories best when really taking into consideration and delving into the depths of that story, totk just unravels in front of my eyes when i try to do that, and it just feels insulting at how obviously ultrahand exists literally so the player can pull off dumbass g-mod dogshit while any story explanation for why that power exists at all is either flimsy as hell or straight-up not there.
#i hate totk with a burning passion. i'm so sick and tired of thinking about it but i needed to get this off my chest#im tired. i dont want to let this shit marinate in my mind. here.#listen motherfucker. if youre going to give me a power in a video game at least try to explain why it exists and why i can use it#'link can use ultrahand bc he has a zonai hand' WHY. why does it need to be a zonai hand. the yiga can seemingly use it without that.#why are the powers (sans recall) tied to links zonai arm and zonai stuff when theyre never awknowledged as something the zonai could do#fuck this game and its story and worldbuilding holy shit#bitching abt totk#salty talks#thats all the tags this gets im fucking tired. as someone with a (developing) interested in the technical parts of stories and the whys and#hows of it all. the fact that so many parts of totk seem to exist for the reason of just giving the player shiny toys to dick around with#pisses me off. why even fucking bother with a story like this if you clearly only cared about this stupid gameplay#i didnt even like the gameplay too much i got sick of ultrahand and all of that so like. whats left? oh yeah the story. n the story sucks#its just. i cant get this game out of my mind ive never been this angry at a game before. maybe its bc its just getting fucking lavished by#praise all of the fucking time and its going to win goty bc apparently we can ignore the story in order to give a game 10/10 for gameplay#fuck. this game is not for me. but it also has some genuine story and worldbuilding problems and im just sick of it getting perfect scores#thinking about this game is just making me feel worse. i want this to be the last totk post i make.#i hope i made my point here. im tired
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strwbrymlkshake · 2 years
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ohh I do want to pass away why am I so stupid
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#mine#🎸#why am i such a terrible person 😇 genuinely what the fuck#me when i want to cry and tear my skin off over a minor mistake ufhdshdjfjg can i stop being fucking stupid for once#crying over a mistake right NOW actually everything is so difficult i dont know what im supposed to do in these situations!!!!!!!#i get in trouble for not knowing what to do in social situations then i have to apologize and i didnt know THAT either.#bashing my head against the wall violence maiming killing death torture bloodletting slicing tearing defenestrating murdering annihilating#me anmd my epic autism powers. shouldnt i know better why csnt you understand!!! who is at fault here! i dont even know#ashshsjdksjfklsfke im wanna cry so hard everything sucks right now im too busy for this shit. for Emotions#why are you punishing me do you hate me?! did you never even like me at all are you trying to make me mad!!! why#im so tired and frustrated i want everything to go perfectly but its not nothing can be perfect in this terrible world he is going to hate#me now. hell why do i have urges like this it always ruins everything im being so selfish arent i aren't i arent i !!!!!!!! why cant we#be FUCKING compatible and perfect snd everything what is the problem am i the problem?!?? why cant you understsnd what im trying to tellyou#maybe it really would just be better if i died nothing good has happened or is going to happen to me since he probably hates me and#my life sucks!!!!! my face hurts from crying i cant cry properly it hurts it feels so hot why cant it end already!!!!!!! why cant#we be perfect like we are supposed to why cant you UNDERSTAND it seems easy to understand to ME whwueh i am mortified my throat hurts#my head hurts i hate this world why couldnt i resist why did i have to be vulnerable id be better off if. well i dont know#i do want to crush bones and flesh beneath my hands to be honest i dont KNOW i thought it was going well i thought it was good#the thread i am hanging on by is quite thin actually why do i care so much why do i care so little im going to explode right meow!!!#my mood is so ruined i dont know if im even used to this whole thing i cannot get in particular moods im so. rgrhrhggr none of this post#is going to make sense i just need to say words while crying then itll be fine probably#this is just another one of god's little tests i think that everyone will hate me no matter what in the end so i have to enjoy it while#it lasts. no matter how hard i try everything always ends up the same way. all this started because of my mistakes and itll end with them
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monsterbisexual · 1 year
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wish i was smashing my coworker(s) w comically large cartoony mallets rn
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timeisacephalopod · 1 year
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On one hand my one sister is Big Stupid and pregnant again, which I wouldn't care as much about if this wasn't the fourth kid with the fourth shitty fucking father who will do nothing but cause even MORE pain and suffering to my sister's life, and on the other hand my other sister keeps sending me apartment ads which is very sweet because she ALSO just had a baby (in August and also her situation is stable, I'm very proud she managed to pull off what she did considering where she's come from. Her boys, especially Older Nephew were SO excited for the baby and I love listening to Older Nephew talk about his sister, it's so heartening to see him so happy and excited. Something tells me my other sisters 3 girls won't be nearly as impressed, especially not Oldest Niece and it's gotten to a point where I feel somewhat compelled to try and mentor this poor kid but I don't know SHIT about kids and don't want to let this poor kid down like everyone else has, she deserves better than that).
Granted my whole life I've preferred Apartment Sister to Making Poor Life Choices sister but also recently Making Dumb Choices has made some serious improvements to her life, very impressive ones too, so it's just disappointing to watch her backslide especially into the same bullshit she's been doing since she was 18 and is now 32. But at least I'm not the only one apartment hunting 😂😂 her efforts are super appreciated given that she just moved herself as well, plus having a fresh baby (very cute baby too). Now with any luck my OTHER sibling will get her shit together hopefully before we're on child number six with father number six with all the same fucking personality flaws and mental health problems not one of these men take even remotely seriously because that's exhausting to me let alone my damn sister.
#winters ramblings#its very sweet that my oldest sister keeps sending apartment ads sometimes im reminded that they care in strange ways#but i like to keep that in the noggin for bad mental health days so if i feel like everyone hates me i can remind myself thats not true#now if only my OTHER older sister would stop making the worlds SHITTIEST choices and grow up thatd be great#i cant imagine doing the same shit at 32 as i did at 18 and bringing a CHILD into my stuoid fantasy thats utterly detached#from ANY known reality. she wants what my oldest sister has i guarantee it but oldest sister GOT that way#because she did the WORK to get there. went to therapy figured out how to make better dating choices for her and her kids#and now shes engaged to an AMAZING dude who loves the hell out of her and her kids. my other sister isnt gunna find that#with her present situation and it pisses me the hell off that we need a FOURTH kid to suffer through her fucking bullshit#before she MIGHT learn getting pregnant with bullshit dudes kids isnt gunna turn them into prince charming#prince charming doesnt exist and CHILDREN won't make him appear either. hard work and looking for men that DONT SUCK#is the way to go. getting therapy is the way to go. or at least SOMETHING self improvement that isnt a self improvement cult#because at this point i would not out it past her to decide to improve her life but do so in the most toxic way possible because it seems#she does not have the emotional skills and tools to do better. which is EXHAUSTING to watch. i love her i do#but oh my GOD how MANY times do you have to make the SAME mistake over THIRTEEN YEARS before you learn?!?!!!?!#and to drag FOUR children into your nonsense fantasy where It Works Out This Time. it WON'T WORK OUT#this man shes back together with for four seconds is a fucking tool who cant even pay his rent and keeo the shit in the apartment#he list that MY SISTER HELPED HIM GET. this man isnt even willing to take care of HIMSELF because he 'doesnt care' W H Y have a kid#with shit like that. itll do nothing but cause that kid pain let alone the three existing kids and i don't know why i seemed to have put#more thought into hakf this shit than she has. im nit kidding when i say ive out INFINITELY more thought into getting a DOG#or another cat than she put into having ANY of her going to be four kids and im baffled that people do that#because CHILDREN arent a joke theyre WHOLE PEOPLE who deserve better than what shes going to give them#like my oldest niece got shipped to her grandparents for being too much to handke like 7 months ago and youre adding a FOURTH??#unbelievably irresponsible and also an amazing way to tell my niece shes replacable and when the going gets tough SHE gets going#no 13 year old should EVER have to deal with this shit. which is why i feel kinda compelled to step in#but i dont have OR want kids i just see this poor girl struggling and appayfeel for her more than anyone else does#like thats not 100% true i KNOW my sister loves her kids but on the flipside shes totally fine to fuck this kid up#in all KINDS of ways i know shes not intending to but fuck. YOU chose this kid how DARE you ship her out when she gets too much#AND THEN CHOOSE TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE LIKE THAT WONT BE DETRIMENTAL TO LITERALLY EVERYONE
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bleuberrygliscor · 2 years
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If I see g*nshin imp*ct shit outside of my like, two mutuals I allow through my filters so I can keep up with Ateru, I am reporting it as spam.
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nomairuins · 29 days
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and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
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andragoras-in-vanity · 2 months
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remember being a teen and watching shit like soul eater and kimono jihen and thinking god damn i wish I had a perpetually exhausted but badass mentor to help me get through things?
well now im 27 and im the perpetually exhausted mentor with bedhead and a slight alcohol problem to my 15 year old cousin and im gonna tear my hair out about not being able to just let her stay for a bit because i know it doesnt matter fuck all what i say to her dad, shes still gonna be treated like shit just because shes a moody teen with undiagnosed add and an autustic brother who constantly talks over everyone. i suddenly need a cigarette.
#like he was going on about shes doing bad in school because she sleeps late and all she needs to do#is got to bed early!!! reset her internal clock!!#BRO IM LITERALLY RIGHT HERE AT 27 STILL ONLY FALLING ASLEEP AT 5AM AND WAKING AT NOON BEVAUSE THATS NOT A THING YOU CAN CONTROL#ESPECIALLY WITH ADD/ADHD.#IM LITERALLY DIAGNOSED I CAN TELL YOU YOURE WRONG AND I CAN EVEN SOURCE THE ARTICLES THAT EXPLAIN WHY#FUCKING ARE YOU KIDDING ME#im still mad cause i sat with with poor kid while she tried to keep from bawling her eyes out because she made a snarky comment#about her brother talking about his coin collecting (and to be clean its not jus tthat he cant understand social cues he just literally#never stops making noise. we all know he cant control it but we also all know its because his parents denied he was autistic until he was 21#despite the fact he stopped maturing at 11. we love him.to death but oh my god i cant handle it for two visits a year#Of course his sibling feel like they live in an insane asylum)#like yeah it was a rude comment but fuck can you blame her?????? when shes silenced because he talks over everyone then gets awkward#because she has no idea what to say when she DOES get the chance to speak of course shes going to resent him#ALSO NOT TO MENTIONT HE FACT SHES CHINESE AND WERE ARE ALL VERY VERY WHITE#SHES GOT OTHER SHIT SHE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY FOR#DO NOT MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED FOR HER BY BRINGING ACTUAL SYMPTOMS AND HER SCHOOLING INTO THIS#My god i hate academics like the world does not end because you failed a math class. i dropped out at 16 and all the useful skills i have#i gained after the world opened up when i left and i wasnt being told no thats not on a standardized test you cant do that#im much fucking happier and frankly intelligent than the rest of my family thats wasted time on universities#and like being happy is what matter#why would you wsnt her to be “sucessful” if she isnt also happy#like if school fucking sucks for her then why send her to a rich white private school and fucking SUMMER SCHOOL#imo thats just abuse#like the graded education system is inherently abusive anyway but its worse when its pushed on her like that#i need to move so we have room out east for her to come stay and maybe do some classes free of them#but i dont work and cant drive so i cant help her#hell i can barely take care of myself#but im just so fucking mad on her behalf and she doesnt deserve to feel this way#its happened twice in the three days shes been here#just they all need therapy but they need to fucking listen to her ans i know she wont even feel okay speaking up
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n3onwraith · 3 months
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I'll kms if we move actually.
#i hate change and we havent even been in this house for a year. that will be our 13th house#i cant be that far from my mom theyre tlaking about states away and month and month you just got week and week we just moved into this house#ill lose my fucking mind if one mlre thing changes. the schedule is already always off and closer to week and a half to half because my dad#gets us extra and it makes me think my mom doesnt want us but i know she does but still. ill die.#i will actually not survive that big of a change i dont care. i know he means well and its to leave something when they die but#there wont be anything to leave if the stress kills me first.#and for all the oreaching about living life instead of stressing out for 70 years this is only gonna make stress that isnt there#or is at least weaker right now#and theyre talking about living in a national forest and running a campsite and trail hike and all this and that but#were fine right now! its stressful yeah but were alive and not super stressed and thsres no anxiety and can er stay in one house for longer#thab a fucking year! this is alreayd house 14 or 9/10 if we only count my dads houses! ill die! stop! settle down for once!!#and they dont even ask if its okay with everyone! and when they do they frame it as if theyre assholes if we say we dont want to move!#but i dont want to move! i may not have any friends#but my whole life is here! i want to graduate from my highschool and live close to both my parents without them being across the country!#stop!!!#anyways#im so sorry i just#i cant?
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