#else i'll be making content myself and im too tired for this shit

[zoros-debt]

I just want to see these two share the same frame together more often.

[boyswanna-be-her]

Unrelated to anything else other than the desire to be the best me possible, I've been getting sober all on my own and it sucks! So bad! No wonder people don't normally do this shit alone!

I've been making room in my life all year to change my relationship with alcohol. It's a big part of why I've been spending very little time alone, staying super active and busy, busting my ass to never be bored.

And uh. I'm scared to be alone with myself in Colorado! I'm my own best drinking buddy, I'll be alone and lonely and far away from any cities, and the house I'm going to is basically an open bar.

I don't want feedback on this at all. I don't even want to discuss it. But I've really been working hard as fuck on my sobriety, and trying to vaguely express myself about it here because I don't have anywhere else to put it. And my brain is having a hard time reaching a new contentment/happiness set point without alcohol. I know it'll be worth it, but I haven't done life without self-medicating in more than a decade (barring the two months of sobriety i completed after having a total meltdown about jonathan's suicide). And it's fucking hard. I don't remember how to be bored, I don't remember how to get my brain to shut the fuck up at night. I'm scared that it's gonna be too hard and I'll fail, or that I'll get there but then being sober will be boring and not worth it and I'll drink again as a crutch and everyone will feel sad about that. I'm scared that there will never be enough activities and causes and friends to fill up the huge pit that alcohol has occupied in my life and self and personality since my 20s. I'm worried that when my parents finally notice that I stop after nursing one glass of wine all night, our relationship is going to deteriorate like it did the last time I tried to get sober.

But a bigger part of me just feels super lonely and tired of working so hard all in the dark, 24 hours a fucking day, so here I am weeping out of nowhere while I'm doing laundry and being super vulnerable for a bunch of people who I barely talk to and often don't even read my shit in good faith. Idk. Im in a rotten mood even though I'm doing so much good stuff. I wish everything I wanted didn't have to be so fucking difficult.

I need a hug so fucking bad it's unreal but there is not a single person I trust in my real life to know that I even am struggling in the first place.

[depressedlion]

Honestly I'm just over everything.

I'm over trying to get better to feel like I'm making no progress.

I'm tired of being alone. Unable to connect to people because all I am is trauma and video games.

I'm over trying to make connections to get no where. Just to feel unwanted.

Im not important to anyone. And no one really sees me.

I'm tired of dragging myself around when I just wanna give up because I'm exhausted. Really. I'm just tired of living.

I can smoke weed. Keep distracted with xbox. Or anime or coloring.

But nothing makes me really feel happy. The best I get is content with being so distracted in the moment.

I cut to feel something physically. Instead of warmth of another person. The best I can do is the warmth of blood. The warmth of my skin after cutting. The sting to remind me I'm real.

Nut nothing fulfills me.

Sure I can continue to try. I can get a 2nd therapist specializing in dbt.

But really I don't think its going to help. I control my reactions most times.

I don't know that anything will make me wanna live anymore.

I don't know that love. Or intimacy could even help.

I'd probably just drag someone else down.

And I can't be another problem to someone.

Honestly no one's ever even interested and I have nothing to just strike up conversations. Plus that makes me extremely anxious.

I'm just exhausted. And I don't think anythings helping and even if it did. It might be too late.

I think no matter what I try. I'll never find love or have someone that sees my fuckinh shit storm and actually wants to stay.

All I can say is. I'm sorry for being like this. I wish I was better. I wish I was stronger.

I wish I deserved love...

[imagineyneyjr]

I havent been on here in such a long, long time. I havent even said anything about Koeman getting fired!!! That's how long it's been... insane. I've been so busy with my internship, literally having the time of my life. It's hard work, and long days with traveling to Amsterdam 3 days a week, but SO SO worth it. I wouldn't change it for anything else in this world to be honest.

Now, about Koeman, rightfully so. Maybe in the beginning I was hesitant, because let's face it, our team isn't the strongest right now and they haven't been playing great either. And the easiest thing is always to blame the coach first when things to wrong.

But, since XAVI (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) has returned and has set all those rules in place... jesus it reminded me why Barça is Barça. No wonder those players have been slacking the entire time. I am honestly baffled that those rules weren't there before. They literally get paid MILLIONS and barely have to do shit. Now, Xavi has come to save our team and I don't necessarily care about the results right now. They need to get used to the new system and might be tired AF during the matches because of training. It takes some adapting, and of course we have to get the tiki taka back. But man, it's surreal having Xavi back. It feels like home again. Insane, insane, insane and SO emotional as well.

And WHAT A FEELING to have him get Dani Alves back. I cried, I couldn't believe it. What a dream. And so incredibly smart in my opinion, he is such a good person to even just have around. He is still on top of his game, even at his age. And he'll lift up the dressing room for sure. It's just great. I'm getting 2015 vibes and it makes me so emotional. Just imagine what it would've been like if Messi was still with us, pfff. (And suarez and neymar, yes im still not over MSN breaking up, and yes i know it's been 4 years LMAO)

And Leo's 7th Ballon D'Or - rightfully so. What a king. AND PEDRI!!! What a young king, am i right??? I love him so much.

Neymar's injury - insane!! I was actually watching when it happened, I was so scared for him. It looked horrifying and it seemed he was suffering like crazyy, instantly tears in his eyes screaming it out!! Thankfully, not as bad as I would've thought.

And of course, Neymar's new series on YouTube, i'm still obsessed with the ones from, 2011/2012 I think and 2013. Honestly, such classics and so nostalgic for me. It's what helped me love him even more haha. I've yet to watch the new content, though I can already see it features his father WAY WAY too much. I'm more interested in Neymar rather than his father, but oh well. I'll take what I can get.

And Neymar shaved his beard after 3846 years. What a sight to see, instantly looks 10 years younger and so fresh. I love him with a stubble, but that's where I draw the line lmao.

Glad I got that all out.

Might even start writing again, really feel like it, but knowing myself I'd probably write 400 words then read that part over and over again until I dont have time anymore to write. I hate it here. Anyways, no promises or guarantees but I hope I can cook up something (i'm aiming for before christmas but who knows)!!

Okay no, last thing. LEWIS IM SCREAMING. SO SO CLOSE. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Rose Coloured Glasses - Part 8

A/N- Im sorry if this is bad! 😂

*Contains Defending Jacob spoilers*

When i finally got home later that day i ordered a pizza and decided to take a quick shower while i waited, knowing they usually take a good 45 minutes this time of night. Walking out of the bathroom 10 minutes later wrapped in a fluffy purple towel i passed the window in the hallway and spotted Andy sitting outside in his car. I walked to the bedroom and picked up my phone from the bedside cabinet and hit his number.

As it rang i walked over to the window and watched him staring at the phone in his hand for a few moments before answering.

"Hey" he finally answered.

"Hey, everything okay?"

"Yeah of course! Why wouldnt it be?"

"Well the fact your sitting outside my house....."

"Shit, sorry! I wasn't being weird i swear! Its just.....i should just go" he sighed shaking his head.

"You wanna come in for a minute?"

"I dont wanna interupt...."

"Your not its fine, let me just come down real quick and open the door....wait for me in the kitchen" i told him making my way downstairs.

"....okay" he finally agreed, I ended the call and quickly unlocked the door pulling it open just a crack before running back upstairs to get dressed.  I tossed my phone on the bed and grabbed my sleep shorts and an oversized t-shirt. After towel drying my hair real quick i tied it up out the way and made my way down to see Andy.

When i walked into the kitchen Andy looked up and smiled at me, he was sat at my small kitchen table, his coat and suit jacket discarded on the empty chair beside him.

"Im sorry to just show up like this Y/N" he said shaking his head.

"Its fine don't worry about it"

"I don't even know how i ended up here....."

"Another shitty day?"

"Yeah" he scoffed "the kids aint talking, none of them knew anything. Most of them where more interested in the fact that i was Jacob Barbers dad"

"So no leads?"

"No. But Duffy found out there's a guy who lives near the park, Leonard Patz. Done for Indecent AB on a minor"

"Why didnt you know about him before?"

"Duff said he only moved to Newton in the last year. Never registered. One of the ADA's in the child abuse unit flagged him"

"What exactly did Patz do to this kid?"

"Grabbed the kids package at the public library, got out on a personal"

"He groped a kid and got out on a personal?" I asked wide eyed at the idea of this man walking free around town.

"Apparently there was some question about the kids testimony. Duffy also said we gotta keep in mind the Rifkin kid had no signs of sexual assault"

"But its something for you to look into, right? If your getting nowhere with the kids at school it makes sense that Patz is the next point of call"

"I just, i have to be careful how i play this one.... i told Duffy i needed to sleep on it. My heads all over the place"

"You want a coffee? Or i have beer?"

"I'll take a beer please" he gave me a tired smile.

I grabbed a couple beers and we went to sit in the living room, he sat on the sofa and let his head fall back with a contented sigh as he closed his eyes.

"Thank you for this Y/N, i always feel like i can relax with you. Everyones always expecting things from me you know? But you.... you just let me be myself"

"And your not yourself at home?"

"Not at all, not for a long time anyway" he replied lifting his head to take a mouthful of his beer "Laurie and I were talking about divorce before all this happened"

"Oh...." i was genuinely surprised to hear that and didn't know how to react to this new information!

"Im okay about it though, is that bad?"

"No, people get divorced all the time Andy"

"I know. Its kinda scary though, i've been with Laurie since college.... i think we got too comfortable.... we lost that spark"

"And theres no getting it back?"

"Im pretty sure that boat has sailed" he chuckled to himself "i will aways love her don't get me wrong im just...."

"Not IN love with her?"

"Yeah" he nodded looking a little sad that his marriage hadn't worked out "You ever been in love?" Andy asked cocking his head to the side and watching me closely.

"Me?.... um, yeah once" i nodded as i picked at the label on my beer bottle "college boyfriend, he was everything to me.... kinda sad looking back at it"

"What happened?"

"I caught him in bed with my best friend"

"Shit"

"Yeah, i cut all contact with the both of them after that. You wanna know the kicker? ...their still together with their second kid on the way"

"Im sorry to hear that"

"It happens" i shrugged "i haven't been in a relationship since. Guess i have some trust issues"

"And you and Frank?...."

"Me and Frank, right" i shook my head getting up from the sofa "i need another beer before talking about Frank, you want another?"

"Sure".

I sat on the opposite end of the sofa facing Andy when i returned with fresh beers.

"So whats the deal with Frank?" He asked but averted his eyes while he mentioned the other man in my life.

"We spent some time together" i shrugged feeling like an idiot for thinking i could do the whole casual/non exclusive thing.

"And your not anymore?"

"At the moment i don't think so"

"What happened if you don't mind me asking?"

"I was supposed to be meeting his friends yesterday but i told him i had to reschedule. With everything going on i wasn't feeling it you know? This morning when i was getting coffee i saw him with some blonde....we want different things i guess. I mean you warned me what Frank was like right?.... i thought i could do the casual thing.... turns out i'm not a fan so much"

"The guys an idiot.....Im sorry" Andy said keeping his eyes down on his beer bottle casually raising his eyebrows.

"No your not" i laughed shaking my head at him, it was written all over his face that he was pleased to hear this news.

"Your right i'm not" he finally looked up at me "your too good for him".

"Andy..."

"Im serious. You're something else....." he took a deep breath putting his now empty beer bottle on the table then turned to face me "i have to tell you something.... its been eating away at me for a while now"

"What is it?" I asked him putting my beer down and giving him my full attention.

"I remember what happened in Vermont.... the things i said... the kiss"

I was not expecting that!

"Oh...."

"Im sorry, i just didn't want things to get weird between us. I didn't want to loose you"

"Andy.... i..."

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about that kiss in the elevator Y/N. I cant stop thinking about how much i still wanna kiss you every damn time i see you!"

"We can't...."

"We can! Its okay to want this" he reached across and took my hand rubbing circles on the back of my hand "tell me you don't want it too and i'll leave right now and we can forget this happened".

I sat there staring at him shaking my head "i cant tell you that...".

Before i knew it Andy was pulling me into his lap and kissing me breathless. His hands slipping under my t-shirt caressing my back. My heart was racing as we finally parted for air, i placed my hands on either side of his face, my thumbs stroking his cheeks that were flushed as we tried to catch our breath.

The moment was interrupted by knocking at the door.

"Leave it" he mumbled leaning forward and kissing me again. I pushed him back and laughed before climbing off his lap "thats my takeout! Im not just gonna leave it, i'll be back in two seconds".

I grabbed my purse from the table and headed to the front, i opened the door with a smile.... a smile that fell when i saw Frank standing there instead of the delivery man!

"Frank....."

"Hey sweetheart".

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit

Rose Coloured Glasses taglist: @readermia @princess-evans-addict @jennmurawski13 @matsumama @ex-bloodjunkie @kaithezaftig @rainbowkisses31