#endosex/dyadic people: please be very considerate on how you engage with this post. okay to reblog but please do not center yourself

[intersex-support]

hi, um...

firstly, i'm really sorry if this post will makes any intersex person uncomfortable. you can just don't publish it, if you see this question is unacceptable.

and also, tw: dysphoria

i don't know if i am intersex, but let's pretend i am not, just because i don't feel i have a right to call myself this way. especially before any tests.

i called myself non-binary or androgynous, in the childhood, for some reason, i used a word he*****dite.

i have physical and social dysphoria from a both sides, too masc or too fem = day ruined. voice, body, hair, face... all of it. i know intersex ≠ androgyny, i know intersex it is a many variations. i don't think intersex people can't look masculine or feminine (or any other way they want to).

and... let's say... i had really hard times with dysphoria. and now i have it, too. i... i think it sounds ridiculous, but i feel my experience... i think i need to call myself intersex.

well. i said it.

honestly, i'm not sexualizing intersex people or think they look in one certain way. i just feel like i had to be intersex, born as one. i... i really can't explain what it means. i just know it.

i don't think being intersex if fun or *special*. i just want to live normal life with myself. i, honestly, i never will say i have experience as intersex people have. i know, i do not.

it's just really hurt to think i was born F/M, not I. i had to be intersex. maybe it sounds crazy or disrespectful. to me, born as F or M almost similar painful.

i know i will never be able to be myself. it's all was wrong from the very beginning. i don't use any labels such as "intersex" or "transintersex" or whatever. i don't think i have i right to be in intersex spaces as a member, not ally.

my questions are...

do you think my identity have a right to be or it's disrespectful for intersex people? do you believe it exists? will i hurt actually intersex people if i start to call myself intersex?

i'm really sorry. it was almost 10 years of my physical dysphoria and 20 years of social. i thought about this so many times, and i don't know how to stop feel this way.

anon, I will be honest that this question does make me uncomfortable, but I'm going to answer it anyway, because we get a lot of questions like this and yours is one of the less offensively phrased, so I want to take the time to answer this now.

If you are not intersex, you cannot identify as intersex. intersex people are not being mean or cruel when we say this, this is just a fact. And because we are so used to our bodies being fetishized, and people only paying attention to intersex experiences when it is convenient for them, we often are justifiably upset when we are continually asked questions by endosex/dyadic people who want to lay claim to intersex experiences without being intersex. so many people do not understand the extent of intersex oppression, the multifacted ways that stigma can shape our lives, and the amount of violence that many of us face whether it's medical violence, sexual violence, or otherwise. and so many of our experiences are shaped by our other identities--our transness, our race, our disabilities--so many ways that our lives as intersex people can become entangled with the oppression we face. that's not to say that being intersex is inherently a negative or traumatizing experience, but rather to express that the intersex community is so fragmented and isolated that oftentimes, we spend years without ever meeting any other intersex people and internalize our own experiences as our fault rather than understanding the underlying oppressive forces at work. I have so much intersex pride and love being intersex, but that is something that took years for me to be able to say.

being intersex is so much more than just our physical bodies, our diagnoses, or our experiences with dysphoria. i know you said that you understand that being intersex does not equal androgyny, but I'm not sure you actually have accepted what that means when you talk about it at the same time as you talk about your dysphoria around being perceived as masc or fem. I really think you have a lot of misconceptions about what it is like to live as intersex and your questions reflect those misunderstandings. I think statements like "just really hurt to think i was born F/M, not I" are statements that are really hard for intersex people, especially intersex people who experienced IGM at birth, to look at because it reflects such a distance from the ramifications of actually getting marked as "I" at birth.

I believe that your dysphoria is valid and that your distress is real-I'm not intending to invalidate that, and I think that you deserve support and compassion for those experiences. but i do not think intersex community is the space to seek that support, and i do not think calling yourself intersex is something that is an appropriate way to cope with that distress. I do think that it hurts intersex community when endosex people label themselves as intersex because it actively makes it harder for us to build community when we are already so isolated.

I do not have any intention of shaming you for having the dysphoria and experiences you do, but I think you do need to do some more self reflection about the way you engage with intersex community, and develop some clearer boundaries about how you act as an ally without centering yourself. If you want to seek support for these experiences, you need to figure out a way to do it that isn't harmful to the intersex people you interact with, or seek support elsewhere. I do genuinely hope that this dysphoria and distress becomes easier to deal with for you.

also, i think it really isn't appropriate to share that you used to identify as a hermaphrodite as a child. I understand you were a kid and didn't know better, but like, I really hope you understand that hermaphrodite is a slur that is very, very painful for many intersex people to see and we really don't have a lot of interest in hearing any justifications for endosex people using the slur in any context.

overall I can't really stop you from doing anything, I am not the authority on intersex community, and I am only one intersex person and am happy for other intersex people to add on/disagree in the comments. But I am not interested in giving you permission to identify as intersex when you know that you are not intersex.