#especially after all the growth she goes through

[mephistopheleswasrobbed]

Right so, I currently feel a very strong urge to cut open my stomach like Chef Hong, but let's put that aside for now and focus on all the new evidence that Peaceful Property is very much gay, actually:

(somehow in light of the end of this episode all of this feels so shallow but well, I got this far, I'm not giving up now)

1

Peach is wearing THE shirt. The infamous "more than friends less than lovers" shirt.

And as is usually the case when this shirt appears, it perfectly describes the current state of Peach and Home's relationship.

2

I'm not really attentive enough to analyse colours in these shows, but even I noticed that Home's shirt is pretty blue at the beginning of this episode

Looks like both of them are (not so) subtly expressing their feelings through their clothes this week

3

We didn't really get confirmation either way about Peach's relationship with Best. Though judging by this little interaction between them, if there was something between them, it was probably initiated by Best. He's full-body reaching more than half-way across the frame, trying to get Peach to fistbump him while Peach only half-heartedly raises his fist towards Best's a little. (I admit I might be somewhat biased against him because of Pangpang, but I almost get the vibe that he kinda tried to get close to Peach to siphon off some of Chef Hong's attention. So he was using him from the beginning, first for his cooking skills then for his exorcism skills. But tbf it might have also just been innocent excitement.)

Anyway look at Chef Hong frowning at their interaction. She knows this is not the right man for her son favourite student.

4

Home, deepely and sincerely, wants to help Peach.

As soon as he finds out about Peach's trauma his first priority becomes helping him, not selling the property and not exorcising the ghost.

He even goes all alone to meet the ghost of Chef Hong and asks her to help Peach.

This is kind of a parallel to the second episode where Home went to confront Rak alone (with Suradech and Kan) after Peach refused to help him anymore. Except this time he actually goes alone and instead of asking the ghost to leave so he can make some more money, he sincerely asks her to help Peach. Character growth. But also. Doing it for the guy he likes. And this is why he gets the mother in law approval and not Best.

But helping someone is not always easy, so:

This is the face of a man who's desperate to help the person he loves even if that person doesn't think he can be helped. And he's willing to play the bad guy to get him that help.

It so clearly hurts him to talk to Peach that way but he doesn't know what else to do.

And Peach is also hurt because he thought that he and Home had gotten close enough that Home would care about his wellbeing more than making money. And he's right, too because Home IS actually doing this FOR his wellbeing and NOT for money. Peach just doesn't know that, yet.

(Quick aside about Peach: Shouting at someone while clutching their shirt. That's 'I love you so please understand me' level of fighting)

Classic tragic romance shit (in preparation for later things to come?). Especially with their next conversation happening through a glass pane. (Star Trek anyone? and many more that I can't think of right now)

And Home gives him hope. Hope that maybe his mentor didn't kill herself, hat maybe he's not responsible for her death. And with that he gives him the strength to face his fear. Good (not yet) boyfriend.

5

It's love, your honor!

He litterally takes over the job of taking care of Peach from Peach's mother figure

and then holds him while he breaks down. And not only does he hold him, he PULLS HIM IN so Peach can cry into his shoulder.

And Peach lets himself fall apart in Home's embrace, to let out all of the grief and guilt he had been carrying mixed with the relief of realising it wasn't his fault she died, and she never blamed him for any of it.

(I know I've said it before but man, Tay and New are really blowing this out of the water. They're just so good. Everything about this show is just sooooooo good.)

6

Is that jealousy I smell, Peach?

Don't worry. Home has already admitted that he's flirting with Kan as a bit not with any real intention. The real is reserved for you.

7

He fully plans to give it to Peach, doesn't he? Simp.

8

Between all the real talk, raw emotions and vulnerability, they're right back to bickering and teasing each other.

9

Now there's a classic BL trope. (And also again a callback to Chef Hong taking care of Peach, making it even more meaningful.)

10

Its LOVE, your honor!!!

But seriously:

Peach has fully fallen in love with Home at this point. And how could he not, after Home fully proved his kindness and selflessness and care for Peach this week. Peach had already started to really trust and be comfortable around Home last episode, but with this he's fully brought down Peach's walls. (too bad it's going to end up hurting them both soon)

And Home knows it, too. Speaking it out while also giving the plausible deniability of a joke. And note how Peach denies on behalf of Kan but not of himself.

They're inching their way towards each other, neither of them willing to say it without beating around the bush but both of them fully aware of what's happening between them. (too bad there's a big storm coming for them that's going to wreck this puppy love bliss)

11

And this, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and beyond,

is the face of realisation that you did irreconcilable harm to the man you love and you didn't even know it. That the man you love just said a most sincere and heartfelt "Thank you" to his killer. To you. That all your newfound happieness is about to come crashing down around you and it's all your fault.

Seeing them be happy and flirty in the credit scene hurt. Because how long will they still have this? And either way, any blissful moment from now on is going to feel hollow for Home. And Kan knows, too. Will Pangpang find out before Peach? Will Home get to tell Peach himself or will Peach have to find out from someone else?

Major angst is incoming and honestly? That's pretty gay. Silver lining and all that, I guess.

Anyway I don't want to leave us off at a complete downer so have a quick

Lesbian Corner

The focus was very much on Peach this episode and Kan was mostly off doing her own thing so there's not much but there is this:

Pangpang felt quite betrayed when Kan didn't take her side against Home. She's clearly aware that they should hook team up seeing as the boys are busy with each other.

Don't worry girl, you'll get there eventually.

[irl-pinkgirl]

saw some heinous takes today and have something to say:

if you think princess bubblegum is a 'psychopathic dictator'- but every other morally grey adventure time character was redeemed by the end of the show and is now perfect- you are, in fact, bad at character arc analysis and/or just hate that a feminine character can be or was anything other than 'uwu best girl'

[brekker-by-brekkerr]

There's no way you can convince me the writing for Eloise in part 2 of season 3 was good.

We're expected to believe that Eloise Bridgerton, who gets so upset about injustices to women, who cares deeply for her friends, would hear about Cressida's issues and be like "hmm yeah sucks to suck."

And people can't say it's because Eloise is only concerned with herself because we've seen her get so upset about the plight of other people, we've seen her going and engaging with conversations outside her circle, we've seen her empathizing with Theo and his circumstances, we've seen her trying to hunt down LW to help Pen back before she knew the truth.

JUST THIS SEASON we saw Eloise go to Cressida's house to check on her because she noticed that she was acting off. So you can't even tell me Eloise doesn't care about her. I feel like the writers are trying to gaslight the viewers in part 2 to thinking Eloise didn't ever care that much about Cressida when WE LITERALLY SAW THAT SHE DID. Cressida even says Eloise was a great friend to her.

Yeah, I understand that Eloise has a lot going on right now, and so to some extent, I could see her not being as present for Cressida as she needs. That happens. But the level to which they made Eloise act like she doesn't care is so insane and is clearly just to prop Pen up.

Eloise heard Cressida tell her about her circumstances so she should understand why she's doing what she's doing.

It just felt like such an insane 180 for Eloise to turn around and suddenly be like "Cressida is a viper" and "our friendship was falling apart anyway" and "I should never have trusted her," when the last thing we saw before part 2 was them BEING GOOD FRIENDS!! And when Cressida hadn't done anything bad, she just claimed to be LW RIGHT AFTER she had explained to Eloise how messed up her circumstances were and that she needed help getting out of them.

I get that the show was going to put Eloise and Pen back together because they have such a clear bias towards her character, but did they have to decimate Creloise in the process? Is Eloise not allowed to have multiple friendships?

Like, Pen can do all these terrible things and cry and be like "sorry about that" and it's fine El and her can be besties everyone will love her and forgive her. But Cressida was sometimes mean (and the show goes to lengths to show us how she became that way, even explicitly spelling it out with her mother's comments about how she raised her to believe in "every woman for herself" AND shows Cressida acknowledging her mistakes and showing true change and growth) and lies about being LW and she's dragged through the dirt, she's "the absolute worst," every single character says awful things about her while we see snippets of her in this dark awful house with her life falling apart and this is supposed to be something we root for?? Literally why. Why even make Cressida sympathetic if this is what you're going to do with her.

It feels so out of pocket for Eloise to be saying Cressida is soo horrible and etc. etc. when we SAW their friendship before. We saw Cressida taking in what Eloise was saying and making changes, we saw Cressida challenging Eloise's beliefs and making Eloise self-reflect. Eloise got a peek into how awful Cressida's home life was and into the kind of good person Cressida could be and that's just suddenly thrown out the window with such little support to back it up.

Even if Creloise just HAD to stop being friends, weren't there better ways of going about it? Couldn't they at least have waited till after the fake LW paper came out bashing the Bridgertons for Eloise to break off the friendship? Yes, that was Cressida's mom writing that, but Eloise wouldn't know that and that would more logically line up with Eloise's random coldness towards her.

Still, why exactly do they have to stop being friends? Why can't Eloise have different kinds of friendships, especially one like hers with Cressida that challenged her, one where they mutually helped each other become better people? I love that Eloise is going to go off on this adventure to Scotland and meet other people but could she not also have retained her friendship with Cressida??

I would have loved to see the Eloise I know and love in part 2 teaming up with Cressida to help her, scheming together, doing everything in her power to help her bestie because that's who she is. That's what we should have seen. Maybe it would take her a second to get there, since she was already wrapped up in the drama with her brother and Pen, but she wouldn't just completely brush off her friend. She would do something.

And I could go on about how messed up it was for the writers to make it pretty clear how bad things have become for Cressida and then make her face the most consequences ever, while Pen gets to ride off into the sunset all happily ever after despite doing things 1000x worse than anything Cressida ever did. I'm actually disgusted.

[sophietv]

Everything you need to know : Failed Coming Out 2019

This is an answer to an anon I've received.

I typed it all and Tumblr said there was an error when I went and tried to published it. So I had to type it all again but lost the anon....

Here's the question: could you tell me more about her wanting to come out in 2019? sorry for asking again I'm new on the fandom!

Hi!

It will be my pleasure! This is such an important part of the Gaylor Lore to know and understand, especially when you are new in the fandom.

This theory has been confirmed, but we'll get to it in a minute.

Also, I'm so sorry because learning about what went down during Lover Era is a transformative experiece in the Gaylor fandom, in a very heartbreaking way.

So back in 2019 Taylor wanted to come out with the Lover Era.

June 30th during the New York City Pride wich was also the Stonewall's 50th anniversary, was supposed to be the day it happened.

This date might be familiar to you, because it's the date we learned at the same time as Taylor about her masters being sold to Scooter Braun.

So let's start at the begining of all of this. I won't go through ALL the details because my post will never end. But I'll cover the most important ones.

Right at the begining of the year, insiders were already talking about the fact that Taylor was planing to come out that year in podcasts and blind items.

Then in March 6th (Karlie and Taylor's anniversary)

Taylor does a post hinting at this new era. The very first lyrics we get (We got hints at ME back in February):

Daylight the song is about Karlie. But this line specifically means coming out.

Stepping into the daylight, and letting everyone see the real you.

(Also worth noting the lesbian filter)

Taylor started being really loud in the posts she made from now on. Flagging rainbow, lesbian and bi colors every chances she got.

And flagging Butterflies. Wich is very important thematically in Lover and coming out.

Side note on the Butterfly meaning:

Remembre how in reputation, snake was a really important theme?

And how in Lover it switched to butterflies?

More specifically it switched to Snakes transforming into butterflies?

There's a species of butterflies, that when they are in the chrysalid phase of their transformation into a butterfly, can look like a snake if they feel unsafe or attacked in order to protect themselves.

Then, after the average 13 days waiting period, they transforms into a beautiful butterfly.

Basically what Taylor was doing, protecting herself during reputation with that "personna" like she described.

And now, she was ready to finally transforms and have a new beginning.

Here's a description of what butterflies means:

A powerful beacon of growth and new beginnings, the butterfly signifies the power of transformation and the incredible feats we can achieve when we trust ourselves. We all have the ability to listen to our innate wisdom, guide ourselves through difficult times, and emerge better and stronger than before.

The ME! of it all:

Ok back into the Lover Era timeline!

So all those rainbow posts were leading up to the first single: ME!

Even Taylor Nation was pretty loud about this (number of rainbows = number of days leading to ME! release):

3 days before ME! release, Taylor performs at the Time 100 Gala and it's the first and only time she switched so very clearly pronouns in the song, multiple times:

She sings repeatedly : I want HER midnights

And she even seems to be getting more and more confortable as the song goes on and singing it louder and louder.

She also looks at the crowd while singing it.

Then she releases ME!

That was really the first part of her coming out.

And honnestly, she shouldn't have had to do more than this.

ME! was released on April 26th.

April 26th in 2019 was Lesbian Visibility Day.

And she captionned the release with: ME! Out Now!

A song about how she is unique as a Lover...

That is without mentioning the amount of rainbows everywhere in that MV as well as other references.

Worth noting that in 2019 Lil NasX came out in a MV with the rainbow tower and was annoyed that people didn't get it?

Taylor also probably deadass thought that she made it obvious:

May & June 2019 leading up to the big coming out:

Taylor continues to be as loud as she can.

She makes a very generous donation to GLAAD:

She sings ME! every chances she gets, while flagging the Lesbian Flag.

Taylor Nation also keeps on being really loud:

And releases a song and music video about homophobia and includes herself front and centered in the LGBTQ+ community (represented by the Trailer park, note how Ryan Reynolds, the only straight person in the MV is outside of this park, not in it like Taylor).

With a bi flag wig...

So yeah, she was trying really hard to make people see her.

Christian Siriano and the dress...

Back in April, we learned that Christian Siriano (a fashion designer) was working on a project for Taylor:

In June, he started teasing us about a mistery rainbow dress for an unnknown person:

It was heavily rumored that it would be the dress used by Taylor to come out at the end of Pride Month.

He kind of confirmed it with this post:

Then. June 30th.

The New York City Pride.

Taylor planned to come out at the event.

Employees on site, starts to be warned about this (you can find some comments online).

Taylor learns at the same time as us that her masters were sold to Scooter Braun.

She never makes it to Pride.

And Billy Porter ends up wearing the dress:

But. You can see that the dress was not meant to be worn by him. It doesn't fit well and the "nude" parts shows that it was meant to be worn by a white person.

In 2022, Christian confirmed it by dueting a TikTok talking specifically about this.

He deleted it right after but you can still find it on TikTok: (X)

Last minutes changes to Lover:

We now know that Taylor scrapped two songs from Lover: All Of The Girls You Loved Before and Need.

All Of The Girls is really loud and very clearly talks about a girl. Wich Taylor couldn't afford if she didn't want to/couldn't come out.

London Boy was actually written and added really last minute to the album.

Really interesting, because this is her loudest song about her loving boyfriend. Wich is a brilliant thing to do if you want to limit the public speculation after all the flagging that you did...

We know it was last minute, because Taylor sampled it on Cold War from Cautious Clay. (X)

He was called in the middle of the night and had to approve the sample right away.

Interesting fact: Cold War was featured in Book Smart, a movie Taylor promoted that year.

The song plays during a lesbian sex scene...

The intro to London Boy is actually Idris Elba in a interview where he was talking about a charity where he sold a date with him.

You know, people paid to date him...

The shift in the Lover Era:

After this, you can start to see a shift. Where it was colorful sequin and rainbows everywhere with colorful choreography.

She now dresses in black, is incredibly sad and sings mostly accousting song.

Like her BBC 1 performance or Lover In Paris:

Miss Americana:

Miss Americana was supposed to be her coming out documentary.

It has been confirmed by the director of the project that a lot of footage has been scrapped.

Also, the documentary was supposed to be called : Is It Cool That I Said All That?

This is why the documentary sometimes feels like something is missing and some parts are rushed.

They tried to switch her coming out approach by making it her political activism era.

Taylor confirms it in Anti-Hero MV:

She's pierced through the heart by The Archer.

Her queerness starts showing (she's bleeding lavender glitters).

She tries to cover it up by taking the table cloth.

Her wanting to cover it spoils the dinner for everyone and they leave her.

And while she sings : "Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism, Like some kind of congressman?"

She covers her queerness with a sticker : Vote For Me, For Everything

Confirming that the political activism during Lover Era and mostly Miss Americana was in fact really to cover the fact that she was already one foot out of the closet when they had to backtrack.

With this. Take a look at the closing scene of Miss Americana. When The Archer is playing in the background.

It's a montage of Taylor talking to someone and Taylor on the release night of Lover.

Look at what Taylor says...

Queerbaiting Backlash:

This might be the worse part in my opinion.

Since she was flagging so hard to come out.

Sadly, most people didn't get that that was exactly what she was trying to do.

And medias massively accused her of queerbaiting.

And using the queer community.

I'm still so mad and heartbroken about this....

reusing an old Twitter post...

Even queer fans...:

Frankly, speculating about her sexuality would have been way less damaging than this...

Songs about this event:

Taylor wrote a lot about this failed coming out.

The Archer, was her song about her anxiety about coming out. And begging her fans to stay.

I'm not gonna do a full lyrics analysis because this post is already a novel.

But read those lyrics with that in mind and you'll see how loud it is, and heartbreaking.

"I've got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you"

Also. Worth noting that after Lover was released and she was not able to come out, she switched one lyric in that song.

Instead of "Combat, I'm ready for combat" singular (coming out was the combat she was ready to face)

She now sings every time "Combats, I'm ready for Combats", because coming out has turned into multiple battles that she has to face now...

Hoax:

Noticed how she says that all of her heroes die all alone in The Archer?

Her fear that if she comes out, all her fans would leave.

In Hoax she says: "You know the hero died so what's the point of keeping score movie for?"

Because with her Master Heist and everything, she was not able to be one of those heroes herself... The hero that she wanted to be died in that moment because she was unable to come out.

Edit: I messed up the lyrics. But it's even more telling. Because the movie she's talking about is Miss Americana, once she was unable to come out.

Evermore:

This song is litteraly her looking back at what happened and how she managed to process everything and ultimatly heal even though it felt at the start like she would never be able to.

"I've been down since July" - June 30th = failed coming out

"Motion capture, put me in a bad light" - Queerbaiting allegations. And Miss Americana being rebranded.

"Writting letters, adressed to the fire" - Her hundred thrown out speeches that she almost said.

"I rewind the tape, but all it does is pause, on the very moment all was lost" - June 30th...

"Sending signals, to be double crossed" - Her flagging strongly on her way to come out, only to be accused of queerbaiting.

Right Where You Left Me:

The restaurant is a metaphor for the closet.

"Sitting in a corner I haunt, cross legged in the dim light"

Doesn't really feel like a restaurant, but her hiding in the closet.

"I swear, you could hear a hairpin drop. Right when I felt the moment stopped"

Droping hairpins is giving hints that you are gay.

She was doing this very loudly right before she was kept from coming out.

"Dust collected on my pinned up hair"

Her hair are still pinned up because she was not able to come out. And dust collected over time that she spent forced in the closet.

Anti-Hero:

AH is really The Archer 2.0, and talks about the same fear of coming out and being abandonned.

The fact that she decided to depict herself as the Anti-Hero is both really interesting and heartbreaking.

Because to her, the hero was the version of herself that was able to come out...

Listen to Change in the perspective of being able to come out and change the face of the industry:

"Tonight we'll stand, get off our knees

Fight for what we've worked for all these years

And the battle was long, it's the fight of our lives

But we'll stand up champions tonight"

They were the Champions.

Side note: she sang this song at the ACMA in 2010, two weeks before Chely Wright's coming out.

When we know that she has knowed and worked with Chely since about 2007.

Then Taylor wrote Long Live one month after Chely Wright's coming out.

Listen to the song with the same perspective as Change now.

"You held your head like a hero, on a history book page"

Chely Wright came out in May 2010. Taylor wrote Long Live in June 2010.

Look at the parallels of both songs.

And now, look at her choice to name that song Anti-Hero after everything that hapenned....

She also wrote Long Story Short and The Great War about that event, but this is for another post and it's about how this event affected her relationship with Karlie.

How she thought she was betrayed but ultimately found out it was not the case.

And how they both made it through.

Ok, I'm exhausted lol.

Sorry for writting a novel.

But this is such an important part of Taylor's history and I really wanted to do it justice (hope I was able to).

If you are still reading...Thank you for your question!

[lunahearts]

Okay I'm doing it. I'm chapter 96 posting.

This is not meant to be a big analysis post this is mostly just me sharing all the little moments that Marcille & Laios show their care for each other because they are SO beloved to me. Join me on the journey if you wish.

(but also the above statement may be a lie. I do have a point here, it turns out, and the point gets at some of my Big Feelings of what Dungeon Meshi has to say about the nature of friendship & living in the world)

So, first of all, the conversation about Laios being king at the start of the chapter. Just in general Laios insisting on presenting himself in his own way here is so good. Character development!!

Before the events of the story he hadn't shared his inner world with anyone but Falin. Now he's like Actually I'm gonna dress up in the discarded remains of my monstersona and that's just how it is.

And even though there are a LOT of parts of the story and bits of character growth that go into this, I think it specifically highlights some interactions from a few chapters ago.

After all, his initial reaction to having been in that monster form & coming out of it was trying to hide from everyone.

And I think everyone helping him put things in perspective here contributes to how he is able to present himself as king. They assure him that he is accepted, despite having just been seen by EVERYONE at his Peak "Weird Monster Guy" mode.

Highlighting what Marcille says here especially:

Going out to "face them with a smile" is EXACTLY what he does. Not right away. He's still pretty stressed in the following scene in this chapter. But he is able to face the crowds with a smile, eventually...

As king. Dressed in the memory of his most vulnerable moments, the most honest expression of his desire.

BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE AHEAD OF MYSELF. Before the King Laios speech, there's a little moment with Marcille I want to highlight, because...

Did y'all know that by the end of the manga, Marcille isn't like... grossed out by eating monsters any more? Or at least, she's definitely changed her reaction to it. It's Namari who makes the "yeah it smells good despite what it is" comment, not Marcille.

We even get shots later of Tansu, Shuro, and Kabru being kinda grossed out by - but still going ahead and eating - the different Falin foods. Chilchuck also throws out a line about it being surprised that it's good.

But there's no disparaging comment from Marcille, despite the Everything of the situation. I just think that's also a nice little detail. She may not be as far in the monster eating game as Laios, but she's more willing to roll with the weirdness.

So after this little moment, this is when Laios comes out in his new regal outfit. And first of all...

This is such a good contrast to the moment when the group goes to save Marcille in chapter 84. The monsters had stopped attacking, and everyone's reactions to Laios and the others framed him as unsettling. Creepy. Maybe even traitors.

They even use some of the same labels (lord of the monsters/lord of the dungeon, dark lord/demon king)., but the context is that they are disgusted. The parallels in this manga....

Have a tendency to destroy me. What a difference in reception.

Anyway, after this moment, Laios stops to talk to the group... and I'd like to point out again: MARCILLE ISN'T FLIPPANT HERE EITHER!!

Chilchuck is still Chilchuck, of course, and I want to be clear I love that, too. Chilchuck is who he is to his core. His little jabs are very affectionate in this chapter.

But Marcille... Marcille only points to the Winged Lion symbol as being weird, not the monster bits. And like, considering what she's just been through with the lion, being skeptical of that part is... fair.

(don't get me wrong, her "that's fine and all" isn't exactly excitement. BUT the point I'm trying to make is less about her completely changing her feelings & preferences. It's more about how she expresses them, and how she treats Laios and HIS feelings & preferences)

And she continues to be so encouraging!! Wah!! Like, despite, all four of these people definitely caring about Laios, it's Marcille specifically who tells him to relax and just be honest. And you know what? I think that's what Falin would have said, too.

Please also note how cute everyone's little faces are in the crowd:

(see, Chilchuck loves him too!! Look at that fond face, and the cheer. and Senshi! and Namari! They really are such a family)

Laios' short speech actually has a little bit I'd like to highlight as well, since I think it is a nice little reflection of his choice to keep the lion insignia on his new outfit:

"Eat to your heart's content," he says. Not just "enjoy," or "let's eat."

Dunmeshi does such a wonderful job of framing so much about the Winged Lion with nuance, and this is a good example of that. Desire is not bad! Craving and consuming is beautiful. As Laios says when explaining the lion insignia...

It's not just something to get rid of.

So then... on to the feast!

And not only does Marcille not express any grossed out feelings, as I mentioned before... she even helps to gross out Chilchuck!!

Her weird girl powers are only just in their infancy. She will only grow more powerful in time...

As the feast goes on of course we get the group's realization about her hair, and I'd like to point out:

I really feel like they have such similar reactions to finding out about how the other has been affected by the Winged Lion

Just... the quiet concern. Not making a huge fuss, but... worried. Understanding. A little heartbroken for each other.

SPEAKING OF HEARTBROKEN REACTIONS THOUGH. WHAT COMES NEXT REALLY GETS ME.

After Chilchuck braids Marcille's hair for her, the topic of her needing to leave everyone comes up and...

God, these expressions. Every Time I see these panels I think about about what Laios saw in her nightmare. Her fears. The weight of inevitable loneliness, and the way it has marked her. As much as Marcille tries to keep things light when talking about it, he knows what this means to her. And it HURTS.

So he doesn't accept it. But do you notice how he frames this. Do you see. Not "do you want me to fix this." Not "hey I have an idea."

"Would you be willing to stay."

He doesn't know whether she will accept. Whether she will hate the idea, actually, of staying here with him. He's putting himself out there fully prepared for rejection & dismissal, as he has faced many times before.

But his pitch, his proposal to her, it's not JUST an excuse to ask her to stay, either. He's put thought into this. Into what Marcille could mean and do here. Not just to and for him, but for the people of this area. The place he has taken responsibility for.

He's also thinking about Falin. And about all the other little girls, the people of all sorts, just like her. He's thinking about the people who have been killed (burned at the stake???), hurt, shunned. About the people who have been abandoned. The people who are still alone.

He's not just offering Marcille an out from her isolation, he's offering her a new purpose. A new way to continue her work, to do the things she cares about. He SEES her! he understands her.

BUT ALSO HE'S SO NERVOUS OUGH. FIDDLING WITH THE PLATE. UNSURE IF SHE WILL CARE. UNSURE IF HE HAS IT RIGHT.

HE'S NOT GOOD WITH PEOPLE HE'S NOT GOOD AT THIS.

BUT THEY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER. AND SHE WANTS THIS LIFE HE'S OFFERING HER.

Still... it's not that simple for her, even if for a moment she is swept up in how much she wants this.

Again here, Marcille is working so hard to be chill about the whole 'going west with the elves' thing. She looks absolutely devastated in the first panel, but puts on a smile in the second.

Maybe she doesn't want to bring down the mood. Maybe she doesn't want to burden everyone with what seems like the only option she has. Maybe she had already accepted the cost that might come with bringing Falin back. Maybe after everything with the Winged Lion, she doesn't want to risk letting herself fight for her desires too hard.

But hey. Desires aren't always bad. They aren't something to just get rid of.

A small bit of visual storytelling here... I love that Marcille is confined by the panel, but Laios is stepping outside of it. He's literally pulling her outside of the box she feels trapped in.

Also, I love that his first acts as king are:

1) welcome everyone to a big feast

2) stand by his friend and help her find happiness

It's great stuff and it's so Laios.

In addition to that, I love how this whole act actually plays out. I love that, while getting the elves to let Marcille go, he gets to be extremely cool and protective...

but also like. Not THAT cool and protective.

No really, I mean it! I think it's important! It's important that cool 'suave king guy Laios' is a front he puts up when he needs to deal with these strangers, and one that he completely drops once it's just him and Marcille.

He's not trying to impress her, or convince her he's cool and suave. Why would he? He trusts that she's okay with the messy, often unimpressive, sometimes kinda gross reality of who he is.

And isn't that what Dungeon Meshi is all about? Messy, unimpressive, gross reality. And how beautiful, how wonderful, how very precious it is

Especially when you get to share it with your friends.

[merakiui]

애인 in anthill.

floyd leech x (female) reader cw: violence, blood, death, murder, unrequited love, angst note - if yellow is the color of insanity, then blue is the color of tragedy.

Laid out on the ice, blood swirling through the cracks, Floyd looks up at you and grins something wild. His eyes are blown wide with adrenaline. A vermillion snail trickles from his nostril, landing plip-plop in tiny drops. Standing just a few feet in front of him, clutching a thick-paged dictionary, you eye him with frigid disdain.

Like the strange boy he’s always been, Floyd says, “You’re fun.”

“You’re not going to hit back?”

“Nah. I don’t hit girls.”

“What if I wasn’t a girl? What if I was something else?” you press, fingers curled tightly around the book’s spine. “There’s a word for creatures like you. Masochist—someone who takes pleasure in receiving pain.”

“That right?” He tilts his head at you and lifts himself up on his arms. Gingerly, he wipes at his nose and sniffles back the clotted blood. “You throw a mean punch.”

“And you’ll never throw at all.”

“So what? I ain’t gonna hit a girl just cuz she’s itchin’ for a fight. I was always told it’s not right to hit girls.”

“Even if they hit you?”

“Especially if they hit you. Someone used to say that if a girl hits me it’s prolly cuz I deserved it.”

“You did,” you agree, sifting through your words carefully. “You’re a miscreant.”

He blinks at you, unfazed. 

“A malefactor.”

“Hmm? That come from your book of big words?”

“It did, in fact. I have another one for you: delinquent.”

He throws his head back and laughs. Blood spurts from his nose in a liquid arc. “You got a word for the end of the world?”

“What? An apocalypse? Worldly annihilation? Catastrophe? Disaster? Cataclysm?” Before he can reply, you scoff. “That will never happen.”

“We’ll be dead by then, won’t we?”

“What does it matter? You never answered my previous question.”

He rises to his feet. You’re taller than him. He’s insisted before that once he hits his growth spurt it’ll be over for you. Even with the height difference, you doubt that would stop Floyd. He’s always pestering you, be it for answers to daily assignments or for snacks. Weirdly, despite the fact that he is a quotidian nuisance whose devil-may-care attitude goes against everything that encapsulates your character, you humor him every time.

“What?”

“If I wasn’t a girl, would you hit me?”

“You’re talkin’ like you wanna get hit.”

“You shouldn’t let the fact that I’m a girl stop you. If someone hits you, isn’t it fair that you hit them in return? An eye for an eye—that is one of the foundations of Hammurabi’s Code. It was a very human concept, you see. So then, disregarding the concept of gender, would you hit me if I was anything besides a girl?”

“Anything but a girl… Like what?”

“Like an insect.”

“You wanna be a bug? Ain’t that too easy? All I gotta do is crush ya and—”

“Then it would be revenge repaid.”

“Sure.” He smiles lazily. “If that’s what you wanna go with.”

“You’ll never get anywhere with that mindset. What if—”

Cracks spiderweb through the ice, splitting it apart in chunks. As it thaws and melts, revealing the floor beneath, Floyd trots towards the door. You follow after him, gracefully stepping out of the ice rink with your dictionary held close.

“Even if you were a bug, I’d put ya in a little locket and let ya stay safe forever. That way, even if someone wants to punch ya, they’d have to get through metal first.”

You stare at him and his broad smile. “That makes no sense… I would suffocate.”

“Nuh-uh!”

“Yes! Do you realize how—hey! Get back here! I’m not done speaking!” You storm after him, fuming from your ears. 

Both of you forget that there are no insects here, just as there is no surface world to be salvaged.

There are monsters in the deep sea.

The types that latch on with lithe limbs, curling and coiling. The types that kiss you farewell before bodily destruction. The types that offer sugary daydreams before the nightmarish end. Some of them are bright and brilliant, sparkling like stars in the black void. Some of them are not, choosing to camouflage and dwell in silent stealth instead.

But all of them must feed. That is an irrefutable fact. Very raw and grotesque.

Standing at the grand window, you watch your classmate sink into the clutches of a beast. She drowns with a whimsical smile, her eyes rolled back in ecstasy and her body peppered in sucker pinches.

Floyd whistles behind you. “You trying to get transferred?”

You eye his reflection with a frown. “I’m trying to test a hypothesis.”

“Lemme hear it.” He leans against the window and folds his arms over his chest. He’s taller now, so much so that he’s more limbs than torso, and all of his teeth have grown in. They’re sharp like knives. Sometimes you wonder why he refuses to use them.

“If you are predatory in nature, you will fight. If you are not, you will submit to the role of prey. In other words, if you are raised on feeble ideals, you will always find yourself cradled in the arms of Death before you can start your life.”

Floyd casts a cursory glance at the waterlogged corpse. “That why you killed her?”

You gaze at the defensive scratches on your arms with clinical indifference. “The experiment failed. I’ll try a different approach next time.”

He hums. “Sounds tough.”

“Science is not easy.”

“If you’re gonna get moved to Worker Level—”

“Azul tells me they’re overpopulated. The Throne is open.”

Floyd worries his lip between his teeth. “They’re doin’ a purge down there—another Queen of the Colony. You aimin’ for that?”

“I’m not just aiming. I will secure that position for myself.”

“And then what? You become Queen and leave the rest of us up here? Don’t you wanna stick around?”

“Why should I? I’m at the top of our class. I only stay because it’s easy and I don’t have to work.”

“We’ll miss ya. Jade and me. Azul, too. He won’t have anyone to compete with.”

“Like there’s much competition to be had.”

“He thinks you’re evenly matched.”

“Of course he would. We have nine brains.”

Silence wedges itself between the both of you, creating a cavernous gap. Floyd rests his head against the glass and sighs. You watch your classmate as she’s dragged further into the dark until, eventually, she disappears from your sight.

“At least stick around for another month or so. Courtship’s comin’ up.”

You raise a brow, suddenly suspicious. “Since when were you interested in Courtship?”

“I’m not.” He smiles blithely, but you see the pink in his reflection when he turns away. “Just thought it’d be cool to go. Eat good food. Let loose and dance.”

“I don’t understand the point of Courtship.”

“Neither do I.” Floyd’s hand twitches towards yours. He pulls away, his arm hanging limp at his side. “We could find out together.”

“Just us?”

“Just you and me.”

“Why?”

“Why not?” He swallows thickly. “I… I think it’d be fun,” he adds in a whisper.

“If I agree to go, will you hit me?”

His brows pinch together on his forehead. “You’re still set on that? It’s been years.”

“Will you do it?”

“Course I won’t. I’m not gonna hit ya for no reason.”

“Then I’ll give you a reason.” You roll your sleeve up, revealing the identification code on your wrist. Floyd has one just like yours, only his string of symbols is different and it’s branded on his neck. “Will you do it then?”

He looks like he’s considering it, mulling the possibility over in his mind, but then he laughs in your face. “You sure you’re not the masochist here?”

A harsh slap resonates through the empty hall. Backdropped by bioluminescence in the deep sea, Floyd smiles through the sting.

“Wait for me,” he tells you, rubbing at raw skin. “I’ll get down there to see you.”

“That’s foolish. You have potential up here.”

“Doesn’t mean anything if you’re not gonna be here to hit me.”

“So now you play the masochist card?”

“Only for you.”

“I should’ve tossed you out the hatch. Let them eat something promising for once.”

You strut away in a huff.

Floyd pushes off from the window. “You know I’d survive!”

“A most confounding variable, considering your proclivity to waltz right into the arms of danger.”

“It’s funner that way.”

“‘Funner’ is not a real word.”

“It’s gotta be if I’m using it.”

It doesn’t matter, though. You are a threat just like everyone else here. Perhaps what’s most dangerous is the thing festering in his heart. Unlike the octopus, Floyd only has one heart. That’s not enough to house the parasite slowly chewing through his chest.

Still, he follows danger because she’s never looked more enticing.

The collar is hooked around his throat and Floyd is sentenced to Worker Level.

He has three days before he’s cast into the bowels of the Colony. You have one. If you were afforded another day, you’d have made it to Courtship.

Instead, you sit in your dorm and eat fruit.

“Courtship’s gonna be lame anyways,” he declares around an apple slice.

“One night is not enough to foster real love. It’s all physical attraction. Biological imperative.”

Floyd turns his hands over, admiring spotless skin. There was blood on them last week, coating his fingers and drying under his nails, from when he stuffed them into the chest of a classmate and tore his heart free. He had three. Floyd is certain he could have spared just one. But a heart is useless if it is not pumping inside a person, and so he was left with nothing but a lump of organ.

“One night is enough for us.” You turn to look at him, silently bewildered, to which he elaborates: “For you… You’ll die either way, right? You and Azul. That’s why there’s no happy ending for you.”

“It’s why we avoid Courtship. Our internal systems are wired for death after copulation. We become so tunnel-visioned. So…enthralled in the survival of our young that we neglect ourselves. There is no love for us after that.”

“There is—could be.” Floyd bites down hard. The apple slice snaps in half. You lean in to snatch the half from his lips before it can fall. He blinks at you, mystified. “You don’t gotta die…”

“I won’t. I’m going to become Queen.”

“Yeah. Right. Course you will…” Mismatched eyes cloud over.

You chew with confidence. “And as Queen I can choose what to do with my life. I won’t have to worry about the rules up here or down there.”

Floyd nibbles at a strawberry next. He decides he doesn’t want to dive deeper into this subject. “Fruit makes a good last meal, yeah?”

“Mhm.”

He opens his mouth and then shuts it, conflicted. 

“When I’m Queen, I’m going to demand fruit every day. Luxuries like these are uncommon here in Aquarium.”

You suck the juice from another apple slice. Floyd watches it bob between your lips like a buoy on choppy waters. And then, feeling like his world might end in the next second, he covers the distance.

“Sagwa,” he murmurs, closing his mouth around the untouched end of the apple.

You meet his eyes, startled, and allow him to take the slice. When he pulls back, you search his face for answers.

“Read it in a book. A human word with a double meaning.”

“And that would be?”

“You don’t know?”

“If you’re going to be obtuse, I have no interest in learning.”

He giggles and reaches to wipe the juice from your cheek. “It means apple.”

“And the other meaning?”

“That’s a secret.”

“You do realize I’ll eventually figure it out, right?”

“I know.” He leans in again, his arm right by your side. You’re pressed against the wall, cornered like a captured criminal. “Hopefully you’ll let the suspense linger for a bit. Would be a shame if ya got it right before I could tell ya.”

“I can wait.”

“Really? How long?”

“How long are you going to withhold it from me?”

“Dunno. Wanna find out?”

You pluck the final apple slice from the plate. Pressing it to Floyd’s lips, you offer him a lopsided smirk. “Not particularly.”

He bites down. It’s bittersweet.

Floyd opens the assignment envelope, half-expecting another scrap with a small fry. There isn’t any challenge here; he hates it. He’d rather gnaw his arm off than continue participating in what he finds is the easiest culling of his life. Plenty of Workers have been vying for his cell since his transfer, and Floyd’s been keen to defend his place. It’s devilishly good exercise, invigorating and refreshing all at once.

Still, he loathes the lack of stimulation. A challenge isn’t really a challenge until it’s got him turning life and death over in his head. Until he’s faced with a dilemma so devastating it destroys him, body and mind.

Sometimes he misses Aquarium. He misses his brother and Azul. He misses waking up hours before class and pulling Jade from his sleeping nook, in which the latter was purely dead weight. He misses the fights he’d get into—mostly the ones with classmates. He misses scrapping with Azul, bickering back and forth like fry.

He misses you. All the time, in fact. He never doubts your capabilities, of course. If you wanted to kill him, you could. There’s comfort in that—in knowing the things you could do. You could kill him, but you don’t. He likes to think it’s because you care.

Love is a complex thing in the Colony at the bottom of the sea. Like the monsters that lurk in the open ocean, it comes in many sizes and forms. Love is brutal and bloody, cutting down an opponent with enough mercy to grant a quick death. Love is agony and sorrow, bringing forth tarry tears and persistent aches. Love is gentle and soft, a mother’s cradle at birth and stifled laughter late into the night. Love is everything and nothing—insanity and tragedy.

Floyd thinks love is none of those things. For him, it’s sharing fruit in the silence of the dormitory. It’s insisting he’ll never hit you because of a reason he doesn’t want to confess—a reason hiding behind his unusual philosophy. It’s allowing himself to be slapped because, most often, he’s earned it, and what else is to come from his ceaseless provoking if not friendly violence?

But if love is achieved through forgiveness, then he can’t possibly forgive this.

He recognizes the photo. The name. That unsmiling face forever set in grim neutrality. 

It’s you.

Suddenly, he understands.

The outcome of this fight will determine the next Queen.

Somehow, you and Floyd have made quick work of the overpopulation problem in Worker Level. In the year you’ve been here, living in separate spaces, never to cross paths, your fates are intertwined once more.

Only this time he isn’t meeting you at the ice rink, nor will he be there to linger in the doorway of an empty classroom.

Floyd’s heart drops down to his stomach. He traces a claw over your portrait.

“Well,” he mutters, his voice a guttural echo in this little cell, “better a final reunion than no reunion at all.”

He combs a webbed hand through his unruly bedhead. 

If you are predatory in nature, you will fight. If you are not, you will submit to the role of prey. That’s what you hypothesized long ago. Come tomorrow, he’ll prove that it’s nothing but conjecture.

Floyd rests his head against the wall. He watches the bioluminescent jellyfish float aimlessly in crystal lamps. It casts a sickly yellow-green glow over the interior of his cell. 

He thinks he’ll prove something. What that is, he’s not sure. Maybe all he’ll have to show for it are the remnants of what he truly is: a cowardly creature who couldn’t quell the parasite nestled in his heart.

Your spots are showing. Blue rings bleed through layers of flesh, carved on like you’re a fresh canvas. They flash warnings in hypnotic patterns, broadcasting destructive tragedy.

Floyd, a fool mesmerized, could watch you forever.

The bars of his cage are lifted alongside yours. He smiles and waits for you to close the gap. You do, albeit just enough to save space. Tension blankets the air. Neither of you takes the initiative to attack first.

“I couldn’t compete with you up there, but down here we’re about the same.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” You inspect your claws and hum. “You made short work of your assignments.”

“Wasn’t really ‘work’ if ya ask me…” Even though he’s vocally casual, his body language is pulled taut with stress. He is more evasive than he is offensive. It’s in his nature to lie in wait, to strike only when the time is right. Patience isn’t his language, but he’s spoken it for the entirety of his life, toeing the line of too much and too little. No matter what, it’s never enough. “You still set on being Queen?”

“Most ardently.”

He laughs. Even without the dictionary, you’re still the same fry from his youth: erudite to a stuffy level. Sometimes he thinks you’re less fish and more textbook when you speak so humanly.

“You can have it. I don’t wanna be Queen.”

A shadow passes over your face. “I won’t settle for victory by default. That’s not fair.”

“Well, I’m givin’ it to ya. Fair and square.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Yes, I can.” He sticks his tongue out at you, defiant. “But if you’re not gonna take it, I might as well hold onto it. Bein’ Queen ain’t half bad if it’s something you want.”

“You—”

“Well?” Floyd spreads his arms, palms up, and beckons you closer. “If you want it, take it. That’s what they taught us in Aquarium. You gonna let me keep another thing from you?”

Gritting your teeth, you yank a boning knife from the sheath at your hip. You’re a weapon yourself, yet you choose to cut him down with a blade. In Floyd’s mind, the implication has never been more romantic.

If you are predatory in nature, you will fight.

So then what should one do if they’re cowardly?

Floyd braces his feet against the floor. It’s rugged stone, a pit hollowed in the panopticon that is this undersea prison. In the tower just above, with a view on all sides, the desolate throne of the next Queen waits.

Everyone is watching, even those up in Aquarium. He’s certain Jade and Azul are fixated on whatever screen is broadcasting it, glued to the edge of their seats as they await the inevitable. Perhaps they’ve already guessed the victor of this match. How astute of them. It’s never been Floyd’s goal to please others for the sake of it. He swims at his own pace, unbound by social conventions and expectations. 

Floyd is the definition of abnormal. Not because he’s inherently peculiar but, rather, because he is unabashed in being himself.

“I hope you know my sympathy ends here,” you warn, but he’s only half-listening. Your rings are distracting.

“I know.”

He always has. For a creature with three hearts, you could never hope to use any of them to love him.

“No hard feelings,” he adds with a whistle.

Now let’s make you Queen.

Your grip on the knife tightens. You don’t hesitate, a facet Floyd is most fond of. Even when you were small, you were quick to react—quick to retaliate, lashing out with all of your limbs. He carries the memory of your hands with overwhelming pride—the way they felt on his shoulder and face, a fast brush of flesh. He’s burned your expressions into his retinas—every single one, even those that were brimming with silent resentment.

Perhaps that’s what’s so perplexing about love. It’s impossible to see at first, a phantom so silent and sneaky, but when you finally confront it at the last moment it gains vivid clarity and bursts like a supernova.

He can’t say whether every interaction was the product of love. Maybe you simply tolerated him because of who he is. Maybe there never was any love at all. Maybe it was just in your nature to remain at arm’s length, a creature condemned to solitude by biology.

Would you hit me if I was anything besides a girl?

Of course not. Because doing so would only hurt him and bring about his emotional ruin.

Even now, when life and death is put on display for all, he remains unyielding in this.

When you lunge towards him, he’s ready. In your fierce eyes, just past horizontal pupils, determination blazes. You’re going to kill him. He’s made peace with that.

Floyd leaps back just as you swipe at him. The blade cuts through empty space. He’s not fighting seriously when he twirls away from your next attack, his tongue between his teeth. Your footsteps echo in the arena, tapping out a one-sided song of pursuit.

“Quit playing!” you snarl, driving your blade down. It narrowly misses his shoulder.

Floyd zips around you with eerie agility, precise and slippery just like a moray. “Aww. Why? You mad I’m not putting in any real effort?”

“Yes! Stop avoiding it and fight! You’re not prey, so why are you so intent on running?”

“Can’t I have a little fun first?”

“Absolutely not! Be serious!”

He waits for the opening. Three seconds slip by. Just a little longer and then… 

There it is!

He catches your wrist just as you swing with a curled fist. He would’ve been content to let it connect with his jaw, but that could cost him. One error and you’ll tear him apart, meticulous like a scientist, hungry like a monster.

Floyd would know of no greater bliss.

Unbothered by the threat, he tugs you towards him. You stumble, caught wholly off guard, and fall into him. In one fluid motion, Floyd sweeps you into a waltz. The knife falls to the floor in a noisy clatter. Your attempt to swoop down and procure it is useless, for he just pulls you along. 

You look at him next, confusion smoldering in your questioning gaze.

He smiles. “Wasn’t gonna have the chance at Courtship. Might as well do it now, right?”

“You…wanted to dance with me? That’s all?” 

“I wanted to watch some other small fry scoop you up,” he jokes, but the humor doesn’t reach his eyes. “Course I wanted to dance with you.”

“Why?”

“So even someone smart like you doesn’t have all the answers.”

You scowl. “Stop avoiding the matter at hand.”

“Who said anything about that? Ain’t I givin’ the Colony what it wants? A show.”

You try to protest, but it sticks in your throat when he forces you into a twirl. You pull back just enough to break free from his hold, and then you’re lunging for the knife. It’s within your reach—your fingers brush the handle—and then Floyd’s hand closes around your wrist, and you’re yanked back into the dance. He glides to a silent melody, his feet clicking out a rhythm you’re unfamiliar with. In an effort to gain an iota of control, you pull him in the direction of the fallen blade. Though your movements are stilted and awkward, you keep up with his tempo to the best of your ability. Floyd allows you to edge closer and closer to the knife and, just when you think you might finally secure it, he kicks it away with the tip of his shoe.

“You have every opportunity to hit me and win.”

“I do.”

“So why aren’t you doing it?” you seethe, gripping his hands tightly. “Why won’t you fight me?”

“Cuz I’m not predator or prey. I don’t fit in your little hypothesis.”

“But you do. The moray eel is—”

Floyd spins you once and then, while you’re still reeling from the sudden change, drops you into a smooth dip. You cling to his shoulders, your chest heaving—whether from frustration or shock, he’s not sure.

“I don’t wanna hit you.”

“The law of life and death dictates that—”

“Yeah, yeah. That you gotta survive no matter what. No matter the cost.”

“So why… Why are you so… Why won’t you…” You shake your head. The words are jumbled on your tongue. “You’re an enigma. I truly can’t understand you.”

“What’s there to understand?” He lifts you up, keeping you at a proper distance. “If ya pull me out from under your microscope, you might see the things you’re missin’.”

“I’m not missing anything,” you argue with an indignant scoff.

“Sure you aren’t.”

Your retribution mirrors your own disposition: brutal and punctual. You hook your arms around his neck and pull. He lets his body crumble and you, swift like a hatchet, stick your leg out to catch his ankle. He falls but not before he brings you down with him.

It’s quiet like the grave, save for your haggard breaths. Floyd props himself up on his palms and peers at you. 

You’re looking right back, tracing the markings under his eyes like they’re something to fear. “You—” you suck in a shaky breath; sweat dribbles down your cheek— “are the most infuriating creature I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.”

He chuckles. “You like me.”

“What a lofty, baseless allegation.”

“Don’t need proof when it’s the truth.”

You sneer at him and crawl towards the knife. Floyd grabs your ankle and drags you back. It earns him a kick in the ribs, but it’s worth it. You wrestle him on the floor, grabbing at his ear fins and tugging. Still, for all of the pain you put him through, he doesn’t budge.

Finally, you break.

“You’re the worst! I don’t understand… Everything… I’ve done everything and you still won’t fight back. What must I do?”

Floyd chokes on his laughter.

You’re crying.

For the first time since he’s known you, real, raw tears run from your eyes in thick, black globs. Your rings flash, albeit much dimmer than before.

“An utter nuisance… I’ve never understood you.”

He opens his mouth, revealing rows of razored teeth, and he almost says it: I love you.

Instead, he lifts his finger to your eye. You blink at him, paralyzed. You look scared and small, uncertain.

His shoulders slump, but he manages a strained smile. “No shame in bein’ a masochist.”

He waits for the bite of a deadly backhand. You pat his cheek weakly and sniffle.

“I was so rude to you… Nothing but a mean-hearted bully.”

“That’s fine.”

“I gave you some ghastly bruises.”

“You did.”

“And you just…took it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“If it was me—”

“You’d get ’em back, yeah? I don’t work like that. Not with you.”

“So you truly are a shameless masochist.”

Floyd flashes his teeth at you in a gleeful grin. “Only for you.”

“Hah… Right. Of course.” Your lips quirk with wry amusement. “I was never going to succeed, was I?”

“Failed right from the start.” When you don’t reply, he tries again. “You…would’ve hated Courtship.”

“It was lame, wasn’t it?”

“The lamest.”

“Yeah, I had a feeling it would be.”

Silence stretches between you. Gingerly, you reach for his face. Your thumbs trace a path from his jaw to his nose.

It’s over. He’s had his fun.

“Thanks for stickin’ with me all this time. If I’d known we’d be here, I woulda done somethin’ for ya. Gotten a gift or…found ya some fruit. Made ya something artsy—I dunno. Anything to say congrats.”

“You’re strange.”

“I get that a lot.”

“It’s not a bad thing.”

“Yeah?” At your nod, he chuckles. “Good. That means you’ll have a harder time forgetting me.”

“As if I would ever forget you. But if I did, would you come back to hit me?”

“You’re askin’ like you’re not already aware of the answer.”

“Futile as it may be, it was worth a try.”

Floyd takes hold of the knife. It glints in the light, a harsh reminder of what’s to come. Dutifully, he presses it into your hands and remains propped above you. His hands are at either side of your face; you’re pinned beneath his shadow.

“You said one night isn’t enough for real love. Do you think that’ll ever change? Maybe one day you’ll finally—”

Harbor the same parasite as me.

Disregarding the knife, you grip fistfuls of Floyd’s shirt and wrench him towards you. He spies liquid cobalt leaking from your lips just as they connect with his mouth. It’s a messy first kiss, a tangle of numb tongues. You pursue him hungrily, sweet and sour like fruit that’s on the precipice of ripe and not-yet-ripe. In the haze of it all, Floyd forgets to savor it.

He loses the feeling in his throat by the time he remembers to do that.

Your lips separate. A thin, translucent string of saliva comes apart with you.

“That word you kept from me—its meaning—I finally figured it out.”

“Yeah?” he asks, growing hazier by the minute. “What’s it mean?”

Like a beached whale suffocating on land, his systems are shutting down. Amidst the fog, he watches your rings undulate like waves lapping at an eroded shoreline. The sea will always take in the same fashion it gives: suddenly and magically, a rush of salt to sanitize sin. He’s happy, but perhaps that’s just the tsunami of endorphins flooding his brain.

“Sagwa, a human word for apple, also means apology.”

Floyd smiles in his daze. That’s his Queen, always so clever.

“You probably learned it that same night.”

“I won’t confirm or deny that.”

“How long am I gonna have to wait to know?”

“How long are you willing to wait?”

He blinks down at the blade in his stomach. You twist until you find bone.

If it hurts, he doesn’t feel it.

The edges of his world are darkening at a rapid pace. He can only see you and your beautiful, ugly expression. It’s all he’s ever wanted: to behold you at your most primal.

“Forever if I have to.”

“Really? You’d do that for me?” You look surprised. Is it really that startling?

Floyd smiles, and this time the corners of his mouth meet his eyes. It’s a peace he’s never known before. Bittersweet like apples and apologies.

“Only for you.”

And then, like he did at the start of his first pulsation, when his feet touched ground for the first time, he falls.

You’re there to catch him. It’s the first and last time you’ve ever done so.

[loupy-mongoose]

Note: For the sake of differentiation, Nico's text will be bold, while Randy's will not.

If there's any trouble telling anyone else apart, let me know, and I'll see what I can do to make it clearer.

Also it is. VERY long. So to the Read More zone it goes!

Enjoy. :)

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ARC START | CHRONO

~~~~~~

The Mews-in-human-form and Nico stepped carefully around the debris of the mansion floor. Lav, who had their bag on her human form, had transformed so they could grab a flashlight out of it. Now she had returned to Mewtwo form and floated around excitedly, taking in the sight of the neglected remains of Nico's birthplace.

Randy held the light in his left hand, while his right tightly gripped his cane. Akoya walked close to his side, her hands in her jacket pockets.

Daddy, stop shining at the floor! I wanna see what's around!

Not until your mom transforms and I don't have to worry about her stepping on something.

I'll be fine, Love! I can handle a few pebbles here and th--YEAHK!

She suddenly hopped away from Randy, inspecting her foot. Randy gave her a snide look.

Fine. She rolled her eyes before shifting. A split-second flash later, she was a Mew. She hovered over and draped herself on Randy's shoulder.

Content that his wife would no longer step on things, he looked at Lav. Here, Hon. You can hold this if you want. Seeing that he had her attention, he tossed the light her way. She telekinetically caught it and brought it to her hands.

Thanks Daddy! She smiled as she went around the room with the light. Nico followed after her, and Randy trudged behind.

Nico... Lav spoke after looking at charred walls, flooring, and rubble around them. Is this the place you destroyed? The one from that memory that woke me up?

It is, yes...

Akoya chimed in from her perch. It's a wonder nobody's bothered to fix it up after all this time.

Well, the volcano eruption kinda got in the way of that. I guess nobody saw any point afterword...

Randy glanced upward, wracked by a sudden chill. It feels like the ceiling could come down at any moment...

Akoya nuzzled her husband's cheek. We'll teleport out if anything happens, Love.

Still feeling shaken, Randy raised his hand to her and brushed his fingers through her fur.

He hoped against hope that the Mewtwos--especially Nico--couldn't sense just how right Akoya had been.

He needed her support.

And not the way his cane could provide.

This place filled him with dread. It was too... familiar... Every once in a while he caught a whiff of smoke and burned things. He could just make out the cracks in the ceilings and walls. He heard the occasional faint creaking of the dilapidated building.

He was almost glad it was too dark to see clearly.

The pain in his legs hadn't let up since they came here. He did his best to hide it from the 'twos, but he know it was futile to hide it from the little blue cat on his shoulder

She clearly knew.

And he endlessly appreciated it.

They walked along, chatting and looking through the debris. There were a lot of books in there, but most were burned beyond recognition or reading, or just boring scientific observations and notes. Wild Pokemon skittered about, too frightened by the strange intruders to engage with them.

Lav picked up yet another book and skimmed through it.

Oh!

Randy looked at her as she approached him. He could feel her buzzing with excitement.

She handed the book to him. It's Mr. Fuji's!

A spark of curiosity coursed through him as he took the book. Nico came over, his eyes shining in the gloom. He read over Randy's shoulder.

Wow... He flipped slowly through its pages. It... it goes through your growth, Nico...

Nico tilted his head, eyes filled with an almost child-like shimmer. Cool!

He flinched back as Randy handed the book up to him. Here. It's about you, so you should have it.

After looking at it for a moment, Nico shook his head and gently pushed it away. No. It's Fuji's. You should take it back to him when you return.

After a moment, Randy gave a smile and a slight nod before stuffing it into a pants pocket.

They continued their impromptu tour of the mansion.

Eventually...

They came to the back portion.

The floors and walls had sustained significant amounts of damage. Walls crumpled to the floor, creating larger rooms than once were. The floors had large holes, leading down into the basement below. Light streamed in from gaps in the ceiling.

Akoya floated off Randy's shoulder. How 'bout that! A shortcut to the basement~

As they all started heading into the nearest hole, Randy transformed without a second thought... until he noticed Nico looking at him in somber shock.

Randy know what he was thinking, and gave him a sad look.

So... that's... what my dad looked like, huh?

Randy's eyes grew somehow more weary than they were. ...Pretty much, yeah... He never looked this exhausted though...

The basement was worse off than the floor above, dimly lit by the sunlight. It was clear walls once stood, but now the area was just one large room, with a few pillars-that-were-once-walls being the only support for the tattered building above.

Along the back wall of the basement...

Was a set of cylindrical tanks.

The group hovered over to them, not wanting to step on the sharp debris on the floor.

Shattered glass and old dust carpeted the area. A small keypad protruded from the front of the center tank, and two more of the tubes stood behind on either side, and forward of those were two large computer casings.

The area was stained with old burn marks, while plant life had grown in. It was almost serene, lit by the rays of persistent sunlight.

Randy floated over to the skeletal tanks.

...Mo has been here...

Randy...

The long Mew turned to Nico.

Can... Can I ask you something...?

Did... Did Mo ever talk about me?

Randy took a moment to think.

...I think he wanted to...

Akoya looked at him questioningly.

Right b-before... He shut his eyes, trembling, trying to break free of his dread.

Oop.

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ARC START | CHRONO

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hi I want to hear more about könig's dysfunctional family please!

I don't know where this backstory came from but it would explain a lot of things!

CW: Angst, self-hate, moral ambiguity, patricide

König’s dad left before he was even born. The way his mom still describes this man as some amazing hero, the greatest love of her life, she makes it sound like it’s König’s fault that he left. Ergo -> it’s König’s fault that his mom is so unhappy.

That’s why König has this deeply ingrained feeling that he should never have been born and so he tries to make himself as small as possible in the household. This becomes increasingly difficult after the growth spurt, but hey, at least he can make himself less of a burden in other ways…

He never tells his mom about the bullying stuff, about the disturbing websites he found when he was 13. Nor does he share his revenge fantasies that are starting to get out of hand, so much so that his school curator tells him he could go to the army if shooting as a hobby interests him so much. No one ever talks about the elephant in the room, how even a simple, old man at school can see inside König’s soul better than his own mother.

His mom had difficulty taking care of herself, which means König learned to juggle with all kinds of adult things when he was little. Running to the store, doing the laundry, heating up food or preparing it from scratch when mom forgot became this kid’s normal, as did listening to her gushing about this incredible new man she found online. König listened at least 15 times how this time, it’s different: this time, she really could sense how there’s this deep connection unlike ever before. This time, this mysterious savior will make things better for all of them and help them financially – even the sex is great!

König vaguely knows he shouldn’t be learning all these details about his mom’s sex life, especially when he’s already forced to hear just how great the sex is, but after a week of Would you like to come in's, his mother is pacing around and sitting next to the phone and sighing deeply. Eventually, she's crying her heart out on the sofa. Again.

She bawls how all men just want one thing, how König is all she has, he’s such a good kid, such a charming boy who would never abandon a good woman, yada yada, and König tries to comfort her as best as he can. At the age of 17, he’s relieved to get out of his childhood home, the house of many pains. But when he gets headhunted to KorTac, after many many years, and gets his first paycheck... 80 % of it goes straight to his mom.

---

If we’re talking about yandere universe König, well, his curse was that his father was very much there and abusive to both him and his mother.

To König, the day he killed his dad was the day he grew up, and even though it took several years for his mom to talk to him again, even though he regrets maybe one or two of the ~20 stabs he put his old man through… König knows his mom is secretly grateful. He’s her hero; he saved her from that monster.

He will save a lot of people before this sick thing called life is through...

[animatedjen]

What's some stuff you're really hoping to see in Jedi 3 (either narratively or gameplay wise)?

Oh I'm so glad you asked this 🙌 Because I have THOUGHTS.

Gonna put everything under the cut so this doesn't clog up the feed with a wall of text (whoops.) Some of these ideas I hope to create concept art for, after I replace/fix my very cranky thirteen-year-old tablet. Anyway let’s start with gameplay!

Gameplay!

Maintaining Cal's abilities: Survivor handled this beautifully by keeping many of the skills learned in Fallen Order, instead of undoing Cal's growth from the first game. I think it'll be trickier to keep this momentum into Jedi 3 (the skill tree has gotten so large!) but story reasons could push Cal towards new types of abilities instead of bloating the current options.

More synergy between the lightsaber stances: I like all the stances in Survivor and it'd be A) disappointing to lose any of them, but B) overwhelming to add MORE combat styles. Being able to flow between the stances more fluidly would be fun though, with specific combos unlocked depending on which two are active together. Now if Merrin lets Cal borrow her knife-staff and he puts his lightsaber on the end... MAGICK SABER PIKE GO.

New or adapted movement mechanics: Maybe the ascension cable is replaced with a force ability (Force Ascend or Force Leap for an extra vertical boost?) or is "upgraded" to connect between two anchors, letting Cal create his own temporary ziplines.

Replayable missions: This could be explained in-game with a Force Tear or Cal's own interactive echoes. But I'd love the option to experience story missions and boss fights again post-game.

Customization!

This is a bonus section because Merrin should get new outfits. Haven't decided how to make it part of gameplay yet, stay tuned.

Cal's cosmetics in Survivor are mostly cool, some just funny, but overall a huge improvement from Fallen Order (yes, even though we miss all the poncho designs). For Jedi 3 I'd love to see more story-centric cosmetics that tie into the communities and people Cal has met along his journey. A Legacy outfit (incorporating pieces from his three Jedi masters), an Anchorite-inspired outfit (with arm tattoos), a bounty hunter outfit (the prize after defeating the Brood), etc. Maybe a Bogling outfit? No not made from Boglings; it looks like a Bogling. Hang on lemme fix my tablet—

Narrative + Gameplay!

Explore Tanalorr: Right now this sparkly, strong-in-the-Force, temple-carved planet is a huge mystery box for Jedi 3. There's a few directions it could go - more High Republic history, another civilization (the Nihil? someone new?) lurking in the shadows, or Force-related secrets hiding below the surface. Each Jedi game has followed Cal's exploration of an ancient culture, and I think Tanalorr can be a focal point in that journey.

Defeat Sorc Tormo and the Haxion Brood: I mentioned this in an ask earlier this week, but I so want a resolution to this fight against the Brood. Especially since roaming bounty hunters would threaten the Hidden Path. Maybe Cal breaks back into Ordo Eris, or hunts down Sorc Tormo on another planet. Maybe there's a Force-only stealth section?? Maybe a big multi-wave boss fight? Maybe Caij is there??? (no she doesn't get an invite to Tanalorr)

Dark Side Force Slow: The fact that Cal's Force Slow ability kept its red-stained aura, even in the Survivor post-game, is great. I love lasting consequences and ludonarrative harmony, yes yes yes. Really hope this isn't fully resolved by the start of Jedi 3 (potential timeskip makes it tricky but whatever) and the ability receives some sort of healing through Cal finding his way out of the darkness.

Narrative!

Timeskip?: I vote no, but I think Jedi 3 will vote yes, likely to age up Kata and allow Tanalorr to be more developed. But that also means Cal and the Mantis Crew goes through character development without us (boo) or remains emotionally stunted until we get there (also boo?). I'm more comfortable with the five year gap between FO and Survivor than I used to be though, despite "missing out" on big character moments, so maybe it'll be okay. Maybe. 👀

The Hidden Path builds a home on Tanalorr: This works until it doesn't, whether from outside pressure or the threat of a spy within. I don't think Bode's fears should necessarily be validated, but I do think the risk will keep Cal on edge and hurt his ability to trust (both others and himself.) It'll drive decisions that strain his relationships and be a source of conflict for part of the game.

The Mantis gets semi-retired and then reinstated: I just love the mental picture of the Mantis parked somewhere cozy and decorated with cloth and lights and a hideout for Kata. It's become too small and high profile to use for gathering the Path, but when the plot gets going, they're gonna need her back in action.

Three main antagonists: The Empire, an unrelated third-party with their own goals (Nihil or someone else), and Cal's own demons. The first two drive the external conflict, the third drives Cal's inner conflict and the story's themes. More on that at the end.

A memorial garden: It's designed by Pili and filled with native Tanalorrian plants and trees, from which the Anchorites hang cords and windchimes and bits of colored glass. Cere's saber was buried beneath the largest tree. Cal plays her hallikset here when he's too troubled to meditate. If we want to be mean, this place gets damaged during a battle in Act 3. If we want to be less mean, this is the place that doesn't get damaged during a battle.

Kata has some sort of student-teacher relationship with Cal: I'm torn on her being Force sensitive: this is a story about Jedi and "guide her through the darkness" is pretty telling given Cal's own darkness at the end of Survivor. But Cal helping Kata (and Kata helping Cal) can happen regardless of her Force sensitivity - it would just look different. This is a soft answer because I'm still exploring ideas around it BUT admittedly the angst levels would be higher if she is sensitive.

A battle against the shadow self: Look this one is cliche. I don't care. I want a huge cavern in the depths of Tanalorr where Cal gets to fight a dark version of himself that switches between all his former enemies. If we're making a video game here let's physically beat up our darkness. Let's have it not work. Let's bring Cal to rock bottom to remind him that he is more than his darkness and he doesn't have to do this alone. Let's go back to that same fight later and then we finally win.

There's more to explore story-wise and I will eventually, but I'm overall not concerned about Jedi 3's narrative. Respawn has been very intentional with their writing of Cal Kestis and the Jedi series so far (despite some last minute changes to Survivor) and I love this character and this story because of all the great work they've created. I really hope they finish this journey the way they want to. That being said—

How should Jedi 3 end? Should Cal die?

No: I'll argue Cal dying at the end of the trilogy completely undermines the entire lesson of Survivor.

Cal wouldn't stop fighting the Empire: The Cal we meet at the beginning of Survivor definitely wouldn't. That Cal also watched countless friends die to that same fight and saw two different Jedi fall to their passions-turned-obsessions that led them to the dark side. He may wrestle with remnant obligation or a bitter apathy, but he's definitely not as single-minded as he was before.

Cal would sacrifice himself to save the Path: Yeah, he probably would. Cere did exactly that during the Siege of Jedha when all else failed. But maybe the Path could be protected without Cal needing to be a Weapon - a lesson Cere also wanted him to learn.

Another way: I think the Koboh abyss (that separates Tanalorr from the rest of the galaxy) could be destroyed. I don't know if Cal would choose to destroy it, but I think the Empire would: if they can't reach Tanalorr it's the next best thing.

Now Cal has to make a choice: Leave (continuing the fight alone) or Stay (shepherding the Path for an unknown future.) It doesn't mean they never find a way back to the known galaxy, but it'll take time. Enough time for a New Hope to appear.

Whatever your opinion of the Sequel Trilogy, the line: "That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love." is not only a complete thesis of Star Wars, but fits really well with Cal's journey. He's become very good at fighting. He wants to save everyone in Fallen Order, and he can't. He still wants to save everyone in Survivor, and they refuse him. His Fight has made a difference (again, Cere says as much) but it's clear this can't be Cal's final answer.

Choosing to protect the Path, choosing to trust the Force, choosing a home. That's what he's been fighting for. I love Cal Kestis because he isn't the chosen one and he isn't going to save the galaxy. But for his family and his community, he saved their galaxy. It's cheesy but I don't care, and you know Greez and BD would agree with me.

-

Okay this got so, so much longer than I expected. Bonus points if you made it all the way down here haha. I've had a weird assortment of concepts and ideas over the past year but never wrote them down in one place - until now. I've said it before but part of my hyperfixation with the Jedi series is because it isn't finished yet and Survivor ends on such a gut-wrenching cliffhanger. Whatever happens to this series, I'm slowly finding some sort of catharsis through all the edits and photomode shots and half-baked concepts. Thanks for tagging along ✌️

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if Bella acknowledged that she wanted to become a vampire more that she wanted to be in a relationship with Edward.

That's... Sort of What Happened

That's almost canon.

Bella was really wishing/hoping that if she turned into a vampire all her relationship problems with Edward would be miraculously solved because he would want her for real.

This is why she wants Alice to turn her when there's nothing Edward can do to stop it. She's ready to go right there in the fucking airplane, forget Edward trying to kill himself in Volterra, chop chop Alice. It's why she's mildly hopeful that the Volturi will say "fuck you" to Edward and turn her despite his protesting and she could go "oh no, those terrible people turned me into a vampire and there was nothing I could dooooooooo" the apprehension there is that the Volturi terrify her and she doesn't want to be a member of their creepy society. It's also why she holds the vote where she goes to the family and says "turn me bitches, you in or out?" and ultimately gets the word from Carlisle that he will do it no matter what Edward thinks.

Now, a relationship with Edward is vitally important to Bella, as of New Moon she thinks she will die without it, but the way she has it in her head is that the real problem she has with Edward is that she's still human. That's it, she's the problem, it doesn't matter that Edward keeps insisting that he loves her human, he also left her because she was human, so if she becomes a vampire she will be hot, and perfect, and Edward will love her for real AND ALL OF HER RELATIONSHIP/LIFE PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED.

It's not that it's more important, really, but to Bella it is the relationship, especially after New Moon.

Acknowledge it Though

I just don't see it.

I know this is a what-if but what you're asking for requires mounds of growth as a person that Bella just wasn't in a good position to go through.

She pins everything on her relationship with Edward and Edward is just... a part of what she wants/what being a vampire even means to her.

The thing is that Bella doesn't really want to be a vampire, she wants to be a Cullen. To her, the two are synonymous, because there's something deeply wrong with those evil vampires who eat people. They are alien, bad, and people whose life choices Bella simply doesn't understand.

What she wants is the Cullen package which includes her relationship with Edward, is a vital part of it even as it gives her a) a perfect romantic relationship and b) an easy and understandable place in the family in relation to the others.

To acknowledge that she wants to be a Cullen more than she wants to be a vampire, or even that what she thinks being a Cullen is is not actually what they are and is a fantasy made up, is to admit she sits in a house of lies.

It means there's no magical solution to being Bella Swan. There's no button she can press that will instantly turn her into the kind of person she wants to be and that what she thought she wanted was ultimately superficial.

That's a heady realization for anyone, a depressed seventeen-year-old--woof.

[hugsandchaos]

I’m gonna make this before I forget.

Imagine a Sonic Boom AU where Shadow and Sonic were friends before the series even started, but no one knew. Sonic never brought him up. He really wanted to, but Shadow asked him to keep him a secret. In the final episode of the first season, Shadow actually helps Sonic much to everyone’s surprise. Sonic is overjoyed to see him again and goes straight for a hug after the fight. Shadow lets him have this hug and even returns it. Anyone else who tries to touch Shadow is likely to get pushed away.

No one really understands how they’re friends, or how they became friends in the first place, but that’s how it is. Except they’re crushing on each other and Amy’s the first one to notice it.

Now as much as her going through some character growth and letting Sonic be happy at the cost of her own feelings and eventually getting over him would make a great side plot and opportunity for angst, I find it funny to think of Amy not having feelings for the sole purpose of her being the one to slam the table and shout “Just confess already!!” at both of them. Bonus points if others thinks Amy was crushing on Sonic and asks if she’s okay only for her to be confused.

And we all know comedy’s a key part of Sonic Boom, so I’m keeping it. Speaking of comedy…

Tails: Really? Sonic? I know he’s my big brother and I should be nice and all, but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. One of the dullest, actually.

Shadow: I wish I knew. I fear that his foolishness might be part of it.

Another bonus bit; Shadow’s tail actually looks more like the Black Arms. Sort of. It’s much longer than a regular hedgehog’s, moves around as easily as Eclipse’s did, but it has fur and quills at the end that look like the Shadow the Hedgehog symbol. He mostly keeps it hidden, but when it’s just him or just him and Sonic, he’ll have it out. He especially keeps it in when Sticks is around. He doesn’t want to answer questions she’ll definitely ask if she finds out.

Sonic is honestly a little disheartened by this, and his slight distrust in Sticks because of her conspiracy theories being surprisingly on point with Shadow, but he understands that Shadow has trust issues and tries to help. He’ll never argue when he has it out, though. He finds it sweet when Shadow’s hands are full so he holds Sonic’s hand with his tail instead.

Actually, you know what would be hilarious? If Shadow and Sonic were already dating before the series, but Shadow had to leave for some reason. When he comes back, he does it with an accidental dramatic entrance during a fight with Eggman. The fight pauses to look at the newcomer who just walked through a disaster unscathed. Sonic goes all soft and says “I love my emo boyfriend”.

Eggman: Uh, are you sure we shouldn’t be running? He seems pretty angry.

Sonic: No, no, don’t worry. That’s how he normally looks—

Shadow, very angrily: Bluebell!!

Tails: “Bluebell”?

Sonic, already halfway across the horizon: HAUL ASS, EVERYONE, HE’S PISSED!!!

…Bye 👋

[allyallyorange]

Yunho The Human

AT AU is back with another little story written by @nnnnnnnothingtoseehere

How Yunho ends up in Universe A

Master Post for AT AU

“You should spend more time with Jongho,” his mom says. “Take him somewhere on your day off, like you used to.”

Yunho almost snorted at that, but manages to hold it back. It was too early in the day for another fight with his parents, especially after the previous night.

It had started the same way it always did, with his dad making some off handed comment about what Yunho should be doing with his life but clearly wasn’t.

He hadn’t even tried to hold back the biting response then, and things quickly devolved.

It had made him want to scream because they acted like he should just get over himself and move on with his life, like that was something easy or possible to do.

Yunho didn’t know how to explain to them the way his chest ached all the time, or how hard it was to get out of bed every morning. He knows they would say he should be moving on, especially after so many years.

After all, Jongho was fine. Jongho, who lost his parents. Yunho should be fine; he only lost his best friend, after all. Jongho is more than fine; he seems to be the next Albert Einstein at the age of twelve. He’s bright and smart and good at studying; in other words, everything Yunho isn’t.

It hurts more than Yunho will admit to be surpassed in every single category by a twelve year-old.

“You guys used to be so close,” his mom continues. She is washing dishes at the sink, with her back to Yunho. “He’s been through a lot, you know. It would be a shame if the two of you grew apart now.”

Yunho resists the urge to inform her that he’s been through a lot too, and maybe doesn’t want to spend time with the tiny little prodigy who is better than him in every way, including dealing with grief.

When he doesn’t respond, his mother eventually turns around to look at him.

“Did you hear me, Yunho?”

“Yeah,” Yunho mumbles, dragging his spoon through his cereal. “I heard.”

It’s already going soggy, and Yunho almost feels sorry for the limp bits of cereal floating around. He feels like that most of the time these days.

“You really should take him somewhere,” his mom says in that vaguely hopeful tone that Yunho has come to dread. “Get hot chocolate with him or something. Something fun, to get you both out of the house.”

“Fine,” Yunho is answering before he even realizes what he’s saying. “I’ll ask him.”

The smile his mom gives him just makes him feel worse. She looks so hopeful, like this will actually be the thing that gets Yunho’s life back on track.

He doesn’t bother to correct her. He’ll disappoint her soon enough.

-

Of all places, Jongho wants to go to the library.

Yunho just gapes at his cousin, finally asking what on earth he wants to do at the library.

Jongho rattles off some answer that goes straight over Yunho’s head. The kid is probably researching advanced particle physics for fun, or something similarly nerdy and genius.

“Fine,” Yunho sighs. “Let’s go.”

You could have cut the tension in the car with a knife. Yunho finally turns the radio up, desperate to listen to something other than the constant parade of guilt and self-criticism that makes up his thoughts.

Jongho didn’t say anything, just fidgeting with his gloves in the passenger seat.

He practically bolts out of the car the second Yunho puts it in park, disappearing through the library doors before he can even get fully out of his seat.

Figures. Yunho wouldn’t want to hang out with himself either.

He trails after Jongho, making a vain attempt to stomp some of the melting snow off his shoes before stepping into the library.

Yunho hasn’t been here in ages, and he takes a deep breath on instinct. The smell of books is comforting, and he takes a moment to just soak it in.

Everything is smaller than he remembers, but he’s definitely had several growth spurts since he was last here. The kid sized reading tables look ridiculously small, and Yunho can’t believe he ever fit in the seats.

He would come here with Mingi, mostly during the summer when they were bored. They would sit for hours and read every comic book the library had, until the words spun off the page or they fell asleep.

Yunho shakes his head violently, trying to dislodge the memories. This is why he doesn’t leave the house; they would roam all over town. He can’t go anywhere without being reminded of him.

It takes him way too long to find Jongho. The kid is sitting at one of the tables in the reference section, almost invisible behind a stack of at least five hefty books. Yunho quickly gives up on reading the title of the one in Jongho’s hands when he doesn’t even know what the first word means.

He flops down across the table from Jongho, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He is just opening one of his mobile games when a pointed ‘ahem’ gets his attention.

Jongho is glaring at him from across the table, face scrunched comically.

“What?” Yunho asks, earning a furious hiss from his cousin.

“We’re in the library,” Jongho whispers pointedly. “Talk quietly.”

“My bad,” Yunho mutters, glancing back down at his phone.

“This is a library,” Jongho repeats in a biting whisper. “Find a book to read.”

Yunho blinks at him for a long moment, weighing out the amount of energy it would take to actually fight him on this.

You’re supposed to be bonding with him, his mom's voice whispers in his head. Fighting would definitely not do that.

“Fine,” he grits out. “I’ll get a book.”

He stands up, pushing his chair away from the table with exaggerated care. Jongho watches him seriously, only looking back down at his book when Yunho actually begins to look at the nearby shelves.

Nothing in this section is remotely interesting, and Yunho wanders aimlessly in search of something decent. He almost doesn’t stop when he passes an end display of fairy tales, but something about the bright covers has his feet slowing almost on his own.

He knows he’s too old for fairy tales at this point. He knows better than most that happy endings are pure fiction; the real world is much worse.

The book at the top of the display looks different from the rest, and he picks it up on whim. Flipping it open, he expects bright pictures and ornate pages, all accompanying a predictably bland story about princes and princesses and happily ever afters.

It quickly becomes apparent that the book in his hands is anything but that. It doesn’t even look like it’s a fairy tale, really. It seems more like a guide to being a hero, and Yunho finds himself reading more and more while just standing there.

He knows it’s dumb, and that he should find some actually helpful book probably called something like “How To Fix Your Life For Dummies.” But deep down, he knows he just wants to think about something other than his shitty life. Some weird book that takes itself way too seriously may be a cheap bit of escapism, but Jongho clearly won’t let him burn a couple of hours on his phone.

Tucking the book under his arm, Yunho returns to where he left Jongho. The kid hasn’t moved, but has switched books. There’s no way he read it that fast, but Yunho honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

Doing his best to ignore his cousin, Yunho sits back down and opens up the book again. It’s not a difficult book to read, and he is soon comfortably lost in a vaguely nonsensical chapter about how to kiss a princess.

The book is simple, but it’s just enough to keep him from thinking about anything else. It’s honestly nice to sit here and escape for a while, and before long he’s more than halfway through. He has to skip some sections that seem to be written in entirely different languages, as well as a few that are just covered in symbols and diagrams that don’t make any sense.

Yunho is just about to turn the page when he realizes the pages of the book look like they’re sparking, somehow. He pauses, watching as what look like little white sparks jump off the page, bouncing harmlessly off his clothes and the table.

He is just beginning to open his mouth to ask Jongho if he’s losing his mind when the sparks begin to pour off the book, increasing in brightness.

Yunho had been leaning the book against the edge of the table, and he quickly pushes it fully on the table. That doesn’t stop the sparks, and as he watches they begin to flow upwards until there’s a whole bunch of them floating a few inches over the book.

This is it, Yunho thinks distantly. It’s the mental break you were waiting for. He’s finally going crazy; it took years but he’s made it.

The sparks have solidified into a mass of light, hovering over the book. The light stretches as Yunho stares, widening and flattening until it’s as large as a decently sized tv. Some part of his brain wonders if anyone else is seeing this or if it’s just him.

The light has been white up until now, but the center of the mass begins to darken. The effect reminds Yunho of pouring water on ice, how it will make some parts of the ice transparent and more glass-like.

He leans forward, trying to get a better look. The darkness has now spread to cover most of the mass, leaving only a rim of light around the edges. It reminds Yunho of every portal he’s ever seen in superhero movies and comic books.

He almost falls out of his chair when he realizes there’s a person looking back at him from the other side. Their features aren’t clear, still obscured by the surface of the portal.

Yunho watches in horrified fascination as a hand reaches through the portal, the surface dragging for a moment before breaking around their fingers. The hand grabs the edge of the portal like it’s solid and Yunho stares because normal people don’t have blue skin.

He looks up just in time to see the person’s other hand pulling the surface aside enough for their head to poke through, dragging it out of the way.

The person looks to be a guy, around Yunho’s age. He looks pretty normal, with dark hair and sharp eyes that survey the library quickly.

You would almost think he’s human if it wasn’t for the bright blue skin and pointy ears clearly on display because of his haircut.

Yunho is tempted to look around to check if anyone else is seeing this alien portal with a real life alien reaching out of it, but he doesn't. He’s sure that if he as much as blinks this will all disappear.

“Have you seen a guy with white hair?” the alien asks, looking at Yunho. “He’s just a bit taller than me, and pretty skinny?”

Yunho gapes at him for a long moment, trying to remember how to speak.

“U-um, no,” he finally stammers.

The alien’s face tugs into a frown at that, and he lets out a slight sigh.

“Fair enough,” he admits, beginning to pull away from the portal. The second he does, it begins to close, the dark part fading first.

“Hey wait,” Yunho calls out, reaching for the portal without thinking about it.

He jolts the second he touches it, feeling like he was just shocked. He is opening his mouth to say ouch or yell or ask what on earth is going on but he quickly finds he can’t. The feeling of vertigo rushes up to catch him, and Yunho feels like he’s being yanked forward through the portal.

He lands hard on his ass, voice coming back in the middle of a yell. He quickly stops yelling, way too surprised for that.

The blue guy from before is standing in front of him, looking just as surprised and confused as Yunho feels. They seem to be in some kind of room, but everything from the walls to the floor are perfectly black. It’s unsettling, making him feel like he’s standing in an open void somehow.

“Where the hell are we?” Yunho asks. “What is going on? Who are you?”

The guy just stares at him, eyes wide as they dart around Yunho’s face quickly.

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

The sound of a third voice startles both of them, and Yunho scrambles to his feet as the blue guy whips around.

He almost falls again because there is what could only be described as a column of light in front of him. He squints at it, belatedly realizing that it’s not column-shaped at all. It has a head and arms, and clearly a voice.

Yunho could have sworn he didn’t have that much to drink last night. This has to be a dream, a hallucination, something. He’s been watching too many dumb superhero movies lately and his subconscious is finally deciding to take revenge.

“U-um, sort of?” the blue guy stammers. “I mean, I found him but that’s not what I was looking for.”

He sounds just as confused as Yunho knows he looks, but he’s thankful the weird light person isn’t talking to him. The blue guy is weird, but he at least has a face.

“That’s great,” the light person says easily. “I hope you succeed in your journey.”

They raise a hand, and Yunho feels that same sense of vertigo rising up to meet him. This time it feels like he’s falling backwards, the whole sensation churning his stomach violently.

At least he lands on his feet this time.

The room around him thankfully looks relatively normal after the freaky void place, worn wood under his feet and making up the walls.

He looks around slowly, trying to figure out what exactly happened.

He seems to be in a treehouse of some kind, various branches crisscrossing through the walls and floor. The whole place is fairly small, but it may just look that way because it’s absolutely full of stuff.

Yunho gapes at the eclectic assortment of weapons, tech, and unidentifiable objects scattered across the floor and various surfaces of the room. None of this makes any sense, and he only ends up with more questions when his gaze lands on the two other people in the room with him.

One of them is the alien guy from before, looking just as blue. He is staring at a normal looking guy, who is in turn staring at Yunho.

They stare at each other for a long moment before everyone starts talking at the same time.

“Is this him?” the normal guy asks, clearly talking to the blue alien dude.

“No, I have no idea who this is,” the blue guy responds.

It’s a little tricky to actually make out what he’s saying because Yunho is also talking.

“What the hell is going on?” he demands. “Who are you guys? What is this place?”

They all continue to talk over each other for several minutes before the normal looking guy holds up both hands.

“Stop,” he says loudly. “We can’t all talk at once.”

Yunho shuts his mouth reluctantly, knowing that he does make a good point.

The guy turns to face him more fully, giving Yunho a chance to get a better look at him. He certainly looks normal, with dark hair. He does have blond undersides, peaking through the upper half of his hair

He also has a plant growing out of the top of his head. It’s a perfectly normal plant, with leaves and everything. Yunho gapes at it, not quite able to believe his eyes.

“You ended up in our headquarters, so you’re going to answer our questions,” the guy continues briskly. “Sit down.”

“Um, where?” Yunho asks, glancing around the crammed treehouse.

The blue alien dude moves forward to shove a few weapons and piles of metal parts off a surface, eventually revealing a couch under all the stuff. He gestures to it, and Yunho obediently sinks down.

“Right,” the normal guy says, putting his hands on his hips. “Have you ever seen this guy?”

He bends down to pick up a rolled up piece of paper, unrolling it so Yunho can see.

The paper has a drawing of someone on it, but Yunho can’t make out anything actually identifiable. The drawing looks like it was done by a two year old, and not an artistically inclined two year old.

“...no,” Yunho says slowly. “No I haven't.”

“Are you sure?” the guy asks again. “He has white hair? Seems pretty powerful?”

“Nope,” Yunho repeats, shaking his head.

“Think he’s lying?” the guy asks, turning to look at the blue alien.

He just shrugs, looking as confused as Yunho feels.

“You know I can hear you,” Yunho points out, not particularly liking being talked about like he’s not in the room.

“Hush,” the guy tells him. “We’re the ones interrogating you.”

Yunho doesn’t point out that this is the most informal interrogation he’s ever seen. He’s sitting on their couch, for crying out loud. There’s nothing to keep him here, and Yunho really doubts either of them could actually restrain him if necessary. The blue guy is pretty muscular, but Yunho has at least four inches on him.

The other two continue to talk, at least having the decency to lower their voices so Yunho can’t hear them as easily.

“Ok fine,” the normal guy finally says. “If you’re sure.”

The blue alien nods, turning back to face Yunho.

“Hi,” he says with a smile that makes his eyes disappear. “We didn’t exactly start off on the right foot. My name is San.”

Yunho blinks at him, definitely not expecting a formal introduction.

“Hey,” he says after a moment. “I’m Yunho.”

“Nice to meet you, Yunho,” San tells him.

He pauses for a moment, clearly waiting for the other guy to say something. When he doesn’t, San elbows him in the side.

“Oh right,” he says quickly. “I’m Wooyoung.”

Yunho nods, murmuring some kind of acknowledgement.

“Where are we?” he asks, gesturing vaguely around the room.

Wooyoung and San look at each other for a long moment, clearly having some kind of nonverbal discussion.

“Probably better to just show him,” San says.

Wooyoung nods, making the plant on his head sway slightly.

“C’mon then,” he says, beckoning Yunho.

Yunho gets up off the couch, following a little ways behind as San and Wooyoung cross the cluttered floor, heading for what appears to be a trapdoor set in the floor.

Wooyoung tugs it open, revealing a ladder leading down to the ground.

Yunho doesn’t see how showing him the outside of their treehouse will answer his question at all, but he doesn’t point that out. He eyes the ladder nervously, but it seems to hold Wooyoung’s weight easily as he practically slides down the rungs.

He follows a bit slower, thankful that San waits until he’s almost at the bottom before stepping down too.

Wooyoung is waiting at the base of the ladder, and he meets Yunho’s eyes.

Instead of saying anything, he just gestures to the landscape around them.

Yunho is opening his mouth to ask a question, but finds that he can’t think of any. The tree the treehouse is in seems to be the only thing for miles, standing tall on the top of a slight hill. The land is gently rolling, fields of grass extending for what feels like forever.

A distant mountain range completes the feeling of stepping into a painting, smudges of snow decorating the peaks. Yunho gapes at the scene, awed to some extent by the natural beauty, but much more dumbfounded by the lack of anything modern.

There’s nothing; no telephone poles, no roads, no cars. There aren’t even any buildings that look remotely normal. Yunho is definitely excluding what might be a village off in the distance; he is very sure none of it will look like it’s supposed to.

This isn’t home, he thinks distantly. It can’t be; he’s very sure there isn’t anywhere on the planet this remote and untouched.

That’s not even considering Wooyoung, who has a plant growing out of his head, and San, who is blue.

“Where is this?” he asks slowly, turning to look at Wooyoung.

He grins proudly, puffing out his chest a bit.

“You’re in our world,” he says with a grin. “Pretty cool, isn’t it?”

[heliza24]

Let’s talk about parallels between Wilhelm and Sara in Season 3 of Young Royals

Because there are so many! This is a continuation of sorts of this meta that I wrote about them being A and B plot protagonists in season 1 and 2. I don’t know that I would describe them exactly that way in season 3, but I do think their plots, character arcs, and themes are meant to mirror each other very closely this season.

One of my favorite things about the parallels between Wilhelm and Sara this season is that comparing them really makes you hold Sara’s friendship with Felice on the same level as Wilhelm’s romantic relationship with Simon (and Sara’s with August) which I think is so important. Both Wilhelm and Sara go through breakups over the course of the season (I think Felice’s reaction especially frames her friendship breakup with Sara similarly to a romantic breakup, which I love). And both of their arcs are about mending those relationships.

Sara and Wilhelm both need to experience the world outside of Hillerska before they can mend those relationships. Sara is able to glimpse some independence, even just through getting her license. The whole world is open to her now, as Felice says in ep 6. I don’t know that she would have been able to make her decision not to go back to August without experiencing that freedom. And Wilhelm also needs to experience the full force of what life in the monarchy would be like before he is able to decide to leave it. Because of this they also act as our window into the two different worlds outside of Hillerska, the palace and Bjarstad. They create the larger context in which we understand Hillerska this season.

I love that both of their journeys of personal growth are symbolized through cars. Wilhelm is always getting trapped with his mom or a member of the court in a fancy car; it’s where almost all of the monarchy’s most onerous instructions on how to live are delivered to him. So it’s huge when he leaves his parents in the chauffeured car at the end of episode 6 and goes to find Simon, Felice and Sara in Sara’s beat up used car. Meanwhile, Sara has traded in horses for the car. This is stated pretty explicitly when her dad asks her if she would like to work with horses and she declines, saying that she has come to realize that horses are simply traded by rich people as status symbols, and her dad suggests she get her drivers license since it will help with any job she wants. In seasons 1 and 2 Rousseau is pretty heavily associated with August, along with the pressures put on August and the other elite kids at Hillerska to conform to expectations (@bluedalahorse has written the Bible on that here), so the fact that Sara swaps out the horse for a car that can take her anywhere feels like a step away from both August and the prescriptive norms of Hillerska.

Sara and Wilhelm both reject what they saw as their destined future. This is obviously really clear for Wilhelm; he assumed he would be prince and then king after Erik died, and his greatest moment of character growth is when he decides he doesn’t have to fulfill that assigned role if it will keep him from being happy and living authentically. I love the scene where Sara talks with her dad about her fears that she will fail in the same ways that he did because she also has autism and adhd. This is a less clear-cut assigned destiny, but that fear of becoming a self fulfilling prophecy is equally overwhelming, especially because Sara has already let down someone she cares about in a way that’s not dissimilar to how her father breaks promises. The fact that she’s able to come to terms with her dad’s influence in her life, but realize she really is in charge of her own future, is really powerful. (I also think it’s such smart writing about the way disability and internalized ableism can really affect your self image).

In order to break free of those predetermined destinies, both Sara and Wilhelm need to see a father/mentor figure as more than black and white. Wilhelm needs to acknowledge that Erik wasn’t perfect, and did help contribute to some of the abusive traditions of Hillerska. Sara needs to recognize that even though her dad isn’t a perfect parent, she still loves him for the care he is able to show to her and wants to have him in her life. I love that both Wilhelm and Sara learn to hold multiple conflicting emotions about their loved ones. They can be disappointed by some of Micke and Erik’s actions, but they can still value their relationships with those family members and recognize them as complex, complete people.

They also both go on a similar journey with how they see August. Wilhelm comes to recognize that August is both a perpetrator and victim of the class system and Hillerska’s systemized abuse. Sara similarly realizes that August is an adult who needs to be responsible for his own emotions. She’s no longer interested in saving him from his complex feelings of guilt, and recognizes his potential to find self healing. Both of those new assessments of August grant him more maturity and complexity than earlier in the show. (They also reflect the way that August grows, in fits and starts, over the course of season 3. If there was a season 4 of the show, I think we would really see August respond to Sara and Wilhelm’s new attitudes towards him in a way that would fuel future character growth).

Viewing Erik, Micke, and August more complexly also allows Sara and Wilhelm to forgive themselves for the ways they are similar to those people. They are able to acknowledge the shame they feel around their actions, but also forgive themselves in the same way that they forgive others.

Both Sara and Wilhelm have specifically let down Simon in pretty big ways (Sara by secretly dating August, Wilhelm by perpetuating the royal family restrictions onto Simon). But they are able to recognize those mistakes and reconcile with Simon.

Wilhelm and Sara both leave the monarchy (Wilhelm literally, Sara by refusing a relationship with August), but they also leave a kind of prescriptive romance behind. Wilhelm says no to having to monitor Simon, to having to roll out his relationship in a certain way to please the court, and to having their future together mapped out and their decision around children made for them. Sara says no to a smaller set of requirements, but the traditional ways that August sees romance are so influenced by the monarchy (which is in turn so influenced patriarchy) that they are similar in some ways. Sara says no to having to do August’s emotional labor, to managing him so that he will fit the image of a good heir. She says no to waiting for him to visit on weekends while he does military service. She says no to this grand plan that he has. (This was @bluedalahorse’s point originally that she shared with me, and honestly I think it's so smart). Wilhelm chooses a romantic relationship that he and Simon are free to create together without rules; Sara chooses a friendship based on honesty and support. Both are valid options that give the characters a sense of peace and freedom. And they would not have been able to make those choices without all of the growth they went through over the course of the season.

I think Sara and Wilhelm's arcs compliment each other so well, and it was one of my favorite things about season 3. I loved watching both of them get to grow so much and end up in such a happy place.

[maespri]

assigning one word to every persona 5 character

hiii local girl (me) got bored and decided to make this character analysis post of sorts for fun!! so here's one word i think each persona 5 character embodies, as well as my explanation... <3

ryuji: acceptance

ryuji is the first character we formally meet and befriend in persona 5. to others, he's rowdy, unpredictable, and not very pleasant to be around. we're warned multiple times about him and about what he's done. we also get to witness for ourselves how easy it is for him to form a grudge and hold to it for dear life, whether it be toward a corrupt adult, other students, morgana, some of the other phantom thieves, etc.

one of my favorite things about ryuji's character arc and growth is actually how subtle it is, especially for a game that (bless it's heart, i love it, but-) has very little subtlety at times. it kind of just occurs in the background and you slowly watch him change.

he goes from openly despising, attacking, and badmouthing kamoshida to simply saying "it's all in the past" when asked about it in one of his future confidant events. he goes from desperately wanting to be viewed as a hero to accepting that some things have to happen in secrecy. he even becomes kinder to morgana and the other phantom thieves when previously, he wouldn't hesitate to verbally jump them. my point is, he comes to accept a lot of things and leave them all behind in the pursuit of just being happy with what he's got now.

the antithesis of this is also true, where ryuji doesn't accept any of the corruption that happens around him, another aspect that is a huge part of his character. he's usually one of the firsts to suggest infiltrating a palace or heading into mementos.

overall, ryuji's character arc really just involves a whole lot of moving on and letting the past be the past in order to facilitate his own change and his own path toward having peace. and i love it!!!

ann: connection

i felt as though a lot of ann's character was centered around the idea of connection. when we first meet her, she has only one friend, and she puts herself into a terrible situation with kamoshida just to make sure that friend doesn't lose her spot on the volleyball team. she's established as somebody who clearly values her connections very deeply.

but there's also a flipside to this, in that. y'know. ann only has one friend at the start of the game. in one of her confidant events, she also talks about how she had no friends for a while when she first came to japan due to her appearance, ethnicity, and nationality, and how she often faced adversity due to this.

when she does befriend joker and ryuji, it is a rocky beginning- but she comes to value her friends so much. when she meets yusuke, she gives him a chance. when she meets makoto, she's the first to reassure makoto that she doesn't hate her for stalking them, and that she actually wants to be friends. when she meets futaba, haru, you name it- she is always trying to be kind to them. to immediately become their friend and connect with them.

during akechi's battle in shido's palace, she's the one who suggests he join them in taking down shido. she's the one who wants him to be a part of them, even after everything.

she also has a passion for connecting with the world around her, most notably, i would say, through modeling.

it's clear ann values connection a lot. she goes to great lengths for the people she loves, she encourages befriending people, and she enjoys involving herself in the things that go on around her. i think it's really great to get to watch as her trust in everyone, and her relationships with them, grow stronger.

yusuke: passion

yusuke's arc is very much centered around passion, from the moment you meet him to the end of his confidant events. he's on an endless search for the perfect muse, to make the perfect painting, to become the perfect artist.

so much so that when he finds out that the person he looked up to the most lied to him, and when he finds out that the person who came before him (his mother), who had the exact same passion as him, was killed by the person he looked up to the most- his world crumbles.

he loses that passion some, or at least struggles to figure out how he's going to ever paint something worthy again now that he knows the one thing he loves to do was built off of something so heinous.

but you see over time how he finds that passion again, through his friends, through trial and error, through just going at it over and over again. to the final realization that maybe that passion has dissipated some, but it's still within him. he can never paint the way he used to, but that isn't the bad thing he thought it was- it's good.

his passion is also just a central part of his character. he can come across as melodramatic or "a bit much," as he even says himself at one point during a confidant event in mementos-

but the people he's surrounded himself with don't think so, and love him anyway. so... safe to say his passion and his love for the beauty in the world is what carries him throughout all of persona 5.

makoto: practical

definitions of "practical":

(of an idea, plan, or method) likely to succeed or be effective in real circumstances; feasible

suitable for a particular purpose

sensible and realistic in their approach to a situation or problem

makoto is my favorite character in persona 5 right next to yusuke, and i think the word "practical" describes her in many great ways.

the first reason being that both the word itself as well as its antithesis apply to makoto very well. she is rather deceptively practical in some ways, in the sense that she comes across as well put-together, intelligent, and sensible when you first meet her-

until you find out she's actually the same as any other reckless teenager out there, running to kaneshiro and getting herself and all the other phantom thieves into a blackmailing scandal.

she also does this because a big part of makoto's character during this arc is the idea of being useful to somebody- being, as the second definition says up there, "suitable for a particular purpose." she just wants to help somebody. she feels like a deadweight to sae, she's doing everything she can to be a top student in school and it still isn't enough, and she's getting nowhere in the one task her principal assigned to her.

being useful to someone is very important to her.

then she actually joins the phantom thieves and the meaning of this word flips a little bit, because makoto is practical, in the sense of being sensible and intelligent. she's the "brains" of the phantom thieves-

but she no longer has to be "worth something" or "useful." i think ann is the one who explains this concept to her, of how they just want makoto to be their friend. not to be some sort of tool.

so makoto instead turns her attention to just being helpful where she can rather than ruining her life over it. she asks for help when she needs it, such as when she's trying to help one of her friends with his weird boyfriend and asks joker to help her out. and she does try to help her friend with her weird boyfriend, another example of trying to contribute. and she's a part of the phantom thieves, an organization that literally devotes itself to ridding the world of corruption and evil figures.

for her, i think what is really important is how 'practical' goes from her constantly trying to be presentable, constantly bending over backwards to help other people, and constantly hating herself for being 'useful'... to allowing herself to be honest with her friends, and be silly and confused and ask for help, and do what she can to help other people without killing herself over it.

so, yeah. i think she has a really lovely arc in this sense as well.

futaba: freedom

this one i feel like is a given... futaba's arc, in many ways, is centered around the idea of freedom.

freedom from blaming herself for her mom, freedom from her bedroom, freedom from being afraid of being around or talking to people. leaving behind all the things in her past that brought her so much pain, and moving forward in her life.

i'm surprised i don't have much more to say, but honestly, i feel like it's kind of the obvious word for futaba. her entire arc is surrounded with the idea of escaping her self-blame and the tomb she trapped herself in. and she gets that through hanging out with the phantom thieves, and through doing her promise list with ren, and through just. freeing herself from all of her blame.

i also think the word embodies her carefree nature and openness to trying things, even when they scare her. she isn't bound by social norms or what she thinks she's supposed to act like. i also think these traits really help the people around her let loose as well. she also strays from the norm in the sense of her being her own little NPC in battle. you don't know what she's going to do for you. she's free as a bird!

anyway. i love her!

haru: action

haru was difficult for me to pick a word for because there were so many i could've gone with, but i settled on 'action' for a few reasons.

the first being that, for quite a while in her life, it would appear as though haru doesn't take action. doesn't try to change the things she dislikes, just meekly goes along with whatever life throws her way. she's trapped in her engagement and just does whatever her father wants her to do.

but there's definitely something bubbling up in her, a desire to lash back out and actually change her situation.

which is why when she does enter the metaverse for the first time, meets this talking cat, and is told to just go along with whatever morgana says... it's no wonder she instantly jumps on board. this is her finally doing something for herself, not for anyone else. this is her straying from the norm.

when everything with the phantom thieves and the metaverse is explained to haru, she's quick to grow, and transform, and work with them to take down her father.

finally, haru gets to actually do something about her situation, and she isn't hesitating at all. she's jumping headfirst to acting on what she's always wanted to do. taking action.

this is just a side note, but i also think haru empathizes with akechi on a more personal level. she knows what it's like to abhor what somebody in your family has done, and to want to end it- they're two sides of the same coin, they just went about their situations in completely different ways.

it floored me when i saw how forgiving she was toward him even after knowing he killed her father. but none of that kindness is coming from a place of forgiving him, or absolving his guilt, or from complacency- it's from understanding his desperation. he wants to be free just as badly as she wanted to. on some level, haru understands this.

anyway. i know i say this about all of them, but man... i truly love haru. <3

akechi: worth

akechi's character is arguably one of the most fun to study in this game. he's difficult to get a grasp on at first outside of what he shows the player, a facade of pleasantries and friendliness. but at his core, akechi's character and ideals revolve a lot around the concept of worth.

it starts with himself. obviously, he views himself as worthless, says as much, and has spent his entire life trying to shake off that self-imposed title. he's worked so hard to become somebody people want to be around, somebody they support, somebody they revere.

so much so that when he abandons ship (no pun intended) and shows the phantom thieves who he really is, he's disgusted by the fact that they aren't disgusted. he's someone who wholeheartedly believes that being worth something to someone is the only important thing, is the only way to be appreciated, is the only thing worth fighting for.

its why he despises the weak and wants to take down those who have made him feel worthless (namely shido). and he'll do those things, he'll kill tens of people with little regard, because it's worth it. it is worth it if it means he'll be able to kill the root of his worthlessness.

he talks all about how he wasn't wanted as a child, he's just some bastard child, everything he's done has been a lie in an attempt to make people love him. he says he thinks the phantom thieves are terrible, "licking each other's wounds," that they'e idiots for showing him mercy, and yet, he accepts it.

he accepts it, because for once, he's worth something to people who don't want anything from him in return. he's worth something to people who have witnessed the absolute worst parts of him. he's worth something to people who are worth nothing to world because of him. the person he killed outstretches his hand toward him and tells him he wants him to be a part of this. to be a part of his life.

unlike makoto, worth to akechi is internal. he doesn't just want to be useful, he wants to be liked. he wants to be appreciated. he wants someone to see him for who he is and love him anyway, but he buries those desires under a hundred layers of "i don't need this, i just need to get revenge, i just need to make my father pay."

his obsession with being perfect is also the reason he holds so much anger toward joker. joker didn't have to try at all to be liked, to make friends, to have an entire group of people at his side, willing to do anything he asked. i think the line drawn between akechi and joker is born from a simple fundamental misunderstanding of how relationships work. akechi thinks they're built on mutual gain, on being admired, on having power over them. joker knows they're built on simply loving someone despite all the things you don't like about them.

anyway, overall, worthiness obviously means a lot to akechi. man he's a tough nut to crack... but i hope i did him some justice...

that's it!

thank you for reading <3

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

The Arcana HCs: How you hurt the M6

~ I want to be clear again that when hurt people hurt other people, it's not a sign of closeness, it's proof of a need for growth. Healthy relationships will take those signs seriously instead of brushing them off - brainrot ~

This is the sequel to

How the M6 hurt you

TW for angst, yelling, accidental food shaming, saying things you don't mean, and watching your loved one be deeply hurt by what you said or did

Julian

You don't know when last you were this emotionally exhausted. It feels like all week has been nothing but listening to other people unload their burdens while you barely have a moment to yourself

It also hasn't helped that Julian's picked up one of the viruses going around and has been bedridden for the last three days

At least, he should be staying in bed. But he keeps getting up because he doesn't like giving you extra things to worry about, only to make things worse by overexerting himself and defeating his own cause

At this point you've had it up to the nose with other people's problems. Do you like helping? Yes! Do you like helping as much when people don't even stop to ask how you've been or if you have time? No! And especially not when you're starting to catch Julian's sniffles too

Against all the odds, you've managed to finish everything early and you're just getting ready to go to bed and get some much-needed rest and alone time when Julian appears in the doorway

Just the sight of him not in bed where he should be adds to your frustration, but you take a breath and meet his sorrowful gaze

"Why are you up, Julian? Are you alright?"

And he, not noticing the bags under your eyes or the vein popping in your forehead, begins his lament

How sorry he is for burdening you like this, how terrible it is of him to expose you to sickness like this, how you don't deserve to live like this, all while he remains the only thing literally standing between you and the sweet, sweet rest of your shared bed

You nod sympathetically and begin to step around him, hoping he'll follow you back to bed to sleep, but then he's placing both hands on your shoulders to hold your attention as he tells you why you shouldn't have to waste said attention on him. It's the last thing you need to snap

"Dammit, Julian, I'm already worn down because of you! If you wanted me to be happy you'd leave me alone already!"

You're regretting your words as they're leaving your mouth, but you don't realize the broader implications of what you've said until you see the look of horror and hurt on his face

"I-I'm so sorry, Julian, I didn't mean it like that, I meant -"

"I understand what you meant." He's shrinking away from you, fever-chapped lips trembling as he goes to the door to put on his coat. "I'll leave you alone so you can be happy."

You're left standing in an empty house, struggling to keep your mind awake enough to figure out what to do next. It takes longer than you would like for you to snap out of it and rush out the door after him, wondering where he would go in the early night

He's not at the Docks. He's not at the Rowdy Raven. At this point you're too panicked to keep thinking so you run over to Mazelinka's, hoping for direction and advice. She doesn't look very impressed to see you when she opens the door

"Before I let you in. Tell me what you did to that boy to make him knock at my door instead of sneaking in through my window."

And with tears on your face and panicked, shaky breaths, you tell her what you said and how it happened and how you don't need to know where he is right now, just make sure he's alright, please

When you finally stop talking she turns away from the door and address the trapdoor in the floor that's ever so slightly cracked open. "Well? Are you coming out now or are you sleeping down there?"

Julian slowly emerges, puffy-eyed and shaky, and meets you at the door with a quiet "Let's go home." You nod and get ready to follow him down the sidewalk when a wooden spoon appears across your chest. You look over into Mazelinka's steely gaze, reminded all at once that her grip is that of a pirate more than a cook

"You hurt him like this again," she murmurs, "and the Devil gets a kinder fate."

Julian is quick to forgive, but it takes much longer to silence the angry words you sent ringing into his head

Asra

Living without any memories from before three years ago is hard

It's like joining a class with only six weeks left in the school year. Everyone around you has history - either with each other, or from somewhere else that they get to share over a dinner table and find ways to bond over it. But you've got nothing

It doesn't help that everyone around you knows more about your past than you do. They remember how you ran your shop before the plague, they remember the catchphrases and jokes you'd use to chat with customers, they remember more of you than you do

And nobody wants to tell you

You know that you have friends. There's Selasi, the baker, Nadia and Julian and Portia, Asra's parents Aisha and Salim, and even Muriel seems to be warming up to you begrudgingly

But the silence in your neighborhood is loud when you walk through it, even if it's become fond after your efforts to stop the Devil. You're tired of the quiet - you want to hear someone talk to you with answers and stories already!

You've been stewing on these thoughts for several hours now, starting from a particularly silent customer and continuing through shop closing and clean up. Asra walks in the back door in time to see you grumble and give the counter a particularly harsh wipe

"Did the counter do something to offend you, my love?"

You huff and shake your head, trying to distract yourself with something less irritating. You watch them set their bag down in the corner, full of mysterious parcels. "How was your day?"

"Better now that I'm with you." He's peering at you fondly from under his eyelids, and you ignore the flare of frustration at the typically vague response that doesn't answer your question

"I see you did some shopping, where did you go?" Give me something, you think, give me anything that's present and real to think about

They falter slightly, the way they do whenever they're about to reference a place or person or thing you used to know, and then smoothly sidle up to you. "Oh, you know. Here and there."

You flinch away when he reaches for you, your frustration crashing across your brain as a wave of anger. "Here and there? Just like all of the other places you've been? All the places I don't know about because nobody will tell me?"

You see the hurt pooling in their face, and knowing that half of it is their empathy for your own pain somehow makes it worse. Especially when their only response is silence. Damn the silence

"Why does nobody tell me anything? Why don't you tell me anything? You brought me back all on your own, why don't you try addressing the problem for once? Or are you just going to leave me alone, without anything to help me, again?"

You're stunned by the words coming out of your mouth. You knew that what you were saying wasn't true, you knew that every word would wound him, and somehow you couldn't stop until that accusatory again merited its own silence

You can see them bracing against their need to turn and walk out, and you're hoping for their sake they do, but instead they're dragging their feet one step closer, eyes on the floor

"I'm not going to leave you alone again," he mumbles, voice cracking, "Not unless you want me to." And five seconds later he's putting his arms around you, ignoring his own hurt to take care of you - again, even though you can feel him shaking from your anger

"I'm sorry," you tell them, "I'm sorry, I was wrong. That's not true. I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm so sorry -"

"It's okay," he's telling you, even though he's not. "It's okay for you to be angry at me. You didn't ask for any of this, and I failed you."

No! you're screaming in your mind, it's not ok! because you can feel the pain twisting under their ribs at your stinging accusations and you know they're doing everything they can to hide that from you

Asra's love for you is steadfast, but he doesn't trust lightly and it'll be several weeks before he's able to tell you how badly you hurt him

Nadia

You know that you're not stupid. And you know that, technically, nobody else really thinks you're stupid. You know for certain that Nadia would tell you all about your attractive intelligence given the chance and the hours on end that she would require

You know all of this, and yet

Sometimes Nadia's desire to provide for your every need translates into keeping track of every project you're working on and every problem requiring a magician that you're in charge of fixing

And her way of helping is offering her thoughts and opinions and advice. Which, granted, is always helpful when you ask for it. But most of the tips you've been getting recently are unsolicited

Half the time her advice is to do the thing that you were already planning on doing, which after a while is enough reason to not want to do it anymore

But you keep biting your tongue and nodding along, because you love her and the last thing you want to do is talk to her like you think she doesn't have anything helpful to offer

It's mid morning and the work day is in full swing. Nadia's touring around the palace and grounds today, overseeing basic building maintenance, and you're hunched over the intricate blueprints for the Flooded District, figuring out where magical aid is needed

You're just circling a ramshackle bridge which would make the ideal spot to control water flow from when two silky arms wrap around your torso from behind and you're surrounded by her floral perfume. "And how is my darling magician this morning?"

You're getting ready to respond when you feel her shift and focus on the papers in front of you. Don't do it, you think in annoyance as she leans away in order to get a better look, Don't say that -

"That bridge would be a good location to direct water flow from. You should consider utilizing it in your plans, MC."

You rein in your annoyance and nod. "That's why I have it circled."

"Oh!" She laughingly traces your pencil marks. "So you do." She turns to you, smug approval radiating from her cocked brow. "I hadn't noticed. My magician is even sharper than normal today."

The irritation flares up even stronger than before. Maybe if you stopped butting in you'd realize I'm always this competent, you think, but you bite it back at the last minute

She's turning back to keep studying your materials, her angle effectively blocking you from being able to see what she's looking at, and you're trying not to say anything, you really are, but then she's straightening up and asking "Have you thought of -"

"Yes," you interrupt her, frustration bleeding into your tone, "yes, I have." The reprimanding look she gives you only makes it worse. "Or at least, I'd have the chance to think of it if I wasn't being constantly hijacked."

Nadia frowns and raises her chin. "You've implemented every piece of advice I've given you. I fail to see how that counts as hijacking."

"It's not advice if I'm already planning on doing it!" You're blurting out all the things you haven't said now, louder and angrier than you would ever intend to. "You haven't even asked if I wanted your help, you just keep assuming you know better! I don't want your help!"

Her face drops all expression and her eyes grow cold. "I see," she says quietly, and then "I'll take my leave, then."

It's not until she doesn't join you for lunch that you begin to realize how badly you messed up. After all the hurt she harbored from her older siblings treating her like she couldn't do anything, your own words were the confirmation of her worst doubts

You don't want to force her to listen to you, but you know the longer you leave things the more she'll internalize what you've said. You spend your afternoon writing your detailed apology instead of working on your plans, and give it to Chandra that evening

Nadia joins you on the terrace after dinner, her presence alone bearing the promise of her forgiveness. The hurt you've caused, however, is going to take much longer to heal

Muriel

You've been unusually hungry recently. Days in the woods are already cooler and damper than they are in the crowded Vesuvian streets, and now with winter coming on your body has been begging you for the calories it needs to stay warm

There are multiple things you've failed to account for as the one who usually does the grocery shopping. First, your own increase in appetite, second, Muriel's increase in appetite, and third, the cold front that had appeared out of nowhere five days ago

Muriel himself has expressed surprise at how much he's been eating recently, but you can see it as the outcome of him learning not to deprive himself of good things in order to not take up space

You've spent all morning busy in the woods while Muriel does his rounds, and your stomach started rumbling an hour ago. It doesn't help that your clothes are too thin for the weather - that's another item on tomorrow's shopping list

The trees are rushing by as you hustle back. You've been saving a stewed meat pie in the back of the cupboard for a hangry day, and with the way you're getting annoyed at every root that trips you up today is the day to toast it up and eat it

Inanna's alone in the hut when you walk in, so you begin chattering to her mindlessly as you head to the cupboards to pull out your lunch. Your mutters get more and more frustrated as you open cupboard after cupboard, letting the doors bang shut

"I swear Inanna, I'm so hungry right now it's starting to hurt. Where in all the realms did I leave that damned -"

And you look over at the table to see an empty plate, speckled with familiar pastry crumbs. You laugh humorlessly, speaking completely unfiltered to the wolf on the bed

"Of course, Muriel ate it!" You're not mad at him, you're glad if anything that he felt free to eat what you bought, but you're ticked at having to wait another hour to forage and cook something.

"Why even bother buying something for later if it won't even be there? I get that he's a big guy, but does he really need to eat so much? I'm going to starve if this keeps up!"

You're almost shouting at this point, finding a strange joy in your exaggerated performance, until a whine from Inanna's direction causes you to pause. It's that second of silence that lets you hear the shuffle of a large pair of feet not knowing where to walk to next

You spin around, horrified, in time to see Muriel's shoulders hunching down and turning away from the open door. You're scrabbling to catch up to him in the clearing and manage to grab his sleeve

"Muriel, I'm so sorry, I -" How do you begin to explain this? Even worse is the way he refuses to look at you, head tilted down and away in an expression of shame, guilt, and regret. You take a breath and start with what you want him to know most

"I don't think you're too big. And I don't think you eat too much, and I'm not mad, I promise, I love you much more than pie."

His mouth twitches and he turns his face to look at you, which you take as permission to continue your confused explanation: "I was - I was just ... joking?"

His face falls into a scowl before you can blink, and he yanks his sleeve from your hand. "Don't lie to me," he grits out.

"I'm not lying! I wasn't even that hungry, I was just frustrated, and -" you're cut off by your stomach making a loud growl. Muriel's face twists in something akin to pain and he stalks off, head and shoulders hunched down as tight as the day you met him

You know you don't have a chance of catching up to him on an empty stomach, so you watch hopefully as Inanna melts into the trees after him and turn to the nearby woods to forage

The afternoon passes slowly. You have nothing to do but wait for him to return - if he returns at all, and the hut is cold and dark without him

You're able to greet him with a better apology and the biggest, heartiest hot meal you could make in one afternoon, but it's a long time before you see him eat without hesitation again

Portia

You love Portia's optimism. It's easily the steadiest, most uplifting thing in your life and she can turn any daunting or overwhelming situation into the start of a grand and exciting adventure

It doesn't matter what you're facing down, she's right next to you, rolling up her sleeves with a can-do attitude and plowing ahead

Some things, though, have a degree of complexity that require more than a can-do attitude and a determination to move forward no matter the obstacle. Some things are complicated, tedious, painstaking, and drawn out so long you forget why you're doing it

The puzzle you're working away at is one of those things. Since you've started traveling the world with Portia, you've encountered all kinds of magic that you'd never heard of before, and it's given you a hope that she's pushed you to pursue

You're trying to get your memories back

And it's exhausting. It's been month after month of researching and documenting, staying up late into the night brainstorming with new leads until your creativity feels strained enough to be as sore as a pulled muscle, all for tiny pieces of the solution

Portia's been your star, staying awake with you and doing her best to follow along on a subject she's never been taught, always giving you a pep talk to push just a bit farther

But that push is starting to feel like pressure. After months of keeping at it, all you want is either a breakthrough or a break

Portia walks in on your little meltdown, in time to see you lean back in your chair, sigh, and then groan as you begin to pack away your notes and samples and books

"Uh-uh!" She's tugging on your elbow cheerfully, nudging you to sit back down. "Come on, MC, I know you can do this! We just need -"

"To push a little harder?" You finish her sentence for her, letting out a tired laugh and rubbing at the ache behind your eyes. "I don't think so. Not today, at least."

"What?" she asks teasingly, "are you just giving up? Don't tell me I need to give you a good kick in the ass like my brother."

You feel your eyebrows scrunch together, plagued by both your discouragement with your project and the feeling of failing to be the exciting, brilliant magician Portia has so much faith in

"I can't do this anymore, Portia. The answer's been at the edge of my brain for weeks, and I still can't find it. I need a break."

"No, you don't!" There's so much hope and excitement in her voice it makes you feel sick. She grabs your shoulders and leans in so close you can see the spark dancing in her eyes. "You just told me it's right there, so reach for it! Maybe you have everything already, maybe you just need to make yourself remember!"

"No!" The overwhelming hopelessness and shame claw their way out of your throat as aggression. "No, it won't work. Do you even know what that does to me? Do you have missing memories?"

She falters, smile fading. "No, but ... no, I don't."

"Then how could you understand?" You see her frown as you start to gesture wildly at the months of research. "You don't even understand most of this, much less what I'm dealing with! I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations, but I can't just fix this!"

She's scowling now, chin wobbly, but her stubbornness wins out. "I don't expect you to be perfect, MC, but I'm not letting you give up. I know us. When you're with me, I can do anything, and I know you feel the same way about me too."

"Not about this." You slump in your seat, staring listlessly at your mess. "I know what I'm dealing with, I know what I'm doing, and I know I'm not enough." You see her getting ready to start studying your notes and try to make sense of them for the hundredth time, and lay a hand on her wrist. "And you aren't enough either."

She freezes, yanks her hand away, and storms out the door with a broken sob. It's not until you see her reaction that you realize the extent of what you've said to her and seek her out to apologize

She's quick to forgive you when you admit you were wrong, but it's a long time before she joins you at your research again

Lucio

It's been exciting to watch him grow and change. You know that every time he shows a little more patience or acknowledges a mistake, it's a hard-earned victory. Changing yourself requires effort, and you've watched him put in the blood, sweat and tears

It's especially beautiful to see the way he connects to other people now - before, his desire for friendship led him to bribe masses of people to his side. Now, all he has to do is find a common interest and everyone at the tavern table is drawn to his enthusiasm

On a night like this, though, it's harder to hold onto your admiration of him. The two of you encountered a group of young mercenaries on the road, and what started as advice from someone older and wiser became a swap of war stories

He's yelling excitedly about the adrenaline rush of sending his blade through an enemy's ribs, instructing the younger mercenaries on how to aim for the heart, and you feel your own sink

His smile looks crueler in the flickering candlelight, his laugh harsh and grating as one of his new friends shares their own gruesome torture suggestions, and you soon give into the compulsion to stand and make your excuses to retire early

It's hard to look at his face when his eyes show concern for your quietness, and you miss the way his gaze follows you out the door

You lie in bed, tuning out the raucous laughter from the tavern, and try to sleep. You're spiraling into the past, all of the evidence of his cruelty and selfishness overshadowing the man you've shared your life with for the last several years

Long before the Lazaret became a funeral pyre, he was just like the brutes fawning over him now, delighting in battle and bargaining away the living hearts of others for his own gain

You flinch when you hear him bang open the door to the room you've rented for the night, matching the motions of the Count of Vesuvia to the sounds of him removing his armored gauntlet and preparing for bed

"Did you hear those kids?" His voice breaks the stillness when he notices your open eyes. "Little idiots, just 'cause they got some blood on their knives, they think they're the best of the trade. Don't worry baby, I showed them."

He bends to kiss your cheek as he climbs into bed next to you, and you turn to face his shadow in the dark. "Show them what? How to kill more effectively?"

"Yes?" His voice comes floating back confused. "I did? Gotta aim for the heart if you want a clean kill."

"A clean kill?" You can hear the disgust bleeding into your voice, but you can't stop. "What else did you tell them about?"

"Oh, you know, just the deals I made, and the plague, and the masquerade." He sighs wistfully. "I thought they should know what they were really aiming for."

You snap and sit up in bed, taking the covers with you. "I can't believe you! You - why? Why would you lead even more people to their deaths? Do you even care at all about what happened to Vesuvia? To me?" You ignore the sounds of him shuffling frantically around, crossing your arms over your chest. "You really haven't changed at all, have you?"

Click

The sudden flare of the lamp by your bed shows Lucio's expression, one arm reached out to give him light to see you properly, his face a frozen mask of fear at your icy disapproval

"MC - I didn't - I thought if I told them about my oopsies they would know better." You see him swallow and fight back the tears at the corners of his eyes, brows furrowed in concern. His voice is small and hurt. "You really think I haven't changed at all?"

You can see his doubt, his hope in your faith in him being hurled back in his face, and you rush to apologize

He forgives you once he sees your regret and hears you admitting your mistake, but he doesn't bring his past up again so easily

[lizzieraindrops]

Destiny is a story about shapes and grief.

I think I may have figured out Destiny. I don't think the primary conflict between the Light and the Darkness is the philosophical issue we thought it was.

I got thinking about it after all this talking, with many others but especially @jazzhandsmcleg, about the way all of The Witch Queen DLC and its 4 seasons have had overarching narratives surrounding trauma and cycles of violence and grief, and the way the Darkness and the Light are characterized by their different approaches to it.

In TWQ, Savathûn is given a true second chance for her species in the Light. But as Ikora points out, she struggles to break free of the learned patterns of the Darkness, continuing the pattern of deception and violence.

Same with Season of the Risen - it’s the Warlords and Dark Ages all over again, but this time it’s the Hive. It forces once again to ask: what does it mean to be given a second chance if this is what you do with it? Temper this with Saladin’s story about the girl from the Dark Ages who he protected, but who became a cruel mortal Warlord in her own right. Crow objects to the mental torture of the Hive Lightbearers and he tries to break from the cycle of interspecies violence, but unintentionally ends up continuing it by killing the Psion and heightening tensions between humans and the Uluran.

Season of the Haunted!!! Literally, the entire thing is about confronting your traumas and greatest fears and the worst parts about yourself and beginning to heal them, making something better from them. Completely changing the game by turning Nightmares that torment into Memories that guide you. Crow with the memory of Uldren, Zavala with that of Safiyah, Caiatl that of Ghaul - and most importantly, resolution focuses on how they, specifically have been held back from healing by their self-incriminating Nightmares. It challenges the cycle of continuing violence on a very personal level. Eris even has patrol dialogue describing the a Nightmare as a thing of pain craving only more pain: "Such is the cycle."

Season of Plunder brings up the very same questions on a much higher organizational level. It gives us Eido and Eramis taking very different jaded vs. new-hope approaches to the legacy of the Whirlwind, asking: can we change? Are we defined by generational trauma forever? Can we continue to grow and change for the better even though it can never be undone? Though Eido is clearly young and naïve, we're clearly given the opportunity and narrative nudge to sympathize with her desire and hope for growth and redemption, both for the Eliksni overall, and for Eramis in particular.

And we're not even done with Season of the Seraph, but it already goes incredibly hard asking the same questions, again from a more personal angle. How far, and through how many generations is trauma transmitted? From the Bray family to Rasputin, to Felwinter to Osiris to Ikora – how do we fix this? How do we fix this? How do you defeat an enemy who IS war itself? What can you do to end an endless cosmic cycle of violence?

Go back and back and back in Destiny's lore even back to D1, and the majority of conflicts seem driven by this cycle of grief and revenge and violence. The entire line of humanity's war with the Hive goes back through Oryx's grief for Crota and the First Crota Fireteam and Eriana-3's grief for her wife Wei Ning. Even the Hive siblings' pact with the Worm Gods, though manipulated by Rhulk, was driven by the pain and grief they endured for themselves and their people, and wanting to escape that cruel pattern. The entire predicament of the Eliksni and their conflict with humans is driven by the trauma and grief and loss of the Whirlwind. Even Caiatl's empire, a conquering force that would be highly regarded by the sword logic, now must reckon with the same kind of loss in the Fall of Torobatl.

How do you escape this cycle and stay free of it?

I think, this year, we are finally seeing the beginnings of an answer.

I can't highly enough recommend the TWQ Collector's Edition lorebook (page scans & transcript) and The Hidden Dossier (page scans & transcript) that immediately follows it. What I've been calling Ikora's theory of "memory and grace" that she develops through the course of these two lore books is a balanced philosophy of memory/Darkness and grace/Light (which honestly deserves an entire post of its own). I think it clearly points toward the final resolution the story of the conflict between the Darkness and the Light.

In light of this, something in the Calus part of the new Lightfall CE lorebook (images, transcript) really jumped out at me.

“The doomed and the damned left the record of their downfall in the OXA. Your star got its name from the oldest myths in that archive. And when your mother told your father that story…the star became your name. A prayer that all will go as it must…and the way it must go is struggle.” “Aiat.” Not a word in Ulurant or any other Cabal tongue. “But Caiatl means something else..” “Yes. ‘It may not always go as it needs to go.’ A good name for a soldier." "A strange name for a daughter," I say. "Your father chose it for your mother's sake. Out of love."

And because the parallel is so overwhelmingly striking, I am once again going to reference philosophy/worldbuilding from the Young Wizards universe, which has great resonance with Destiny lore and which Bungie has been long aware of and has even been referenced in Forsaken-era canon lore.

“all the fair things skewed, all the beauty twisted by the dark Lone Power watching on his steed. If only there were some way he could be otherwise if he wanted to! For here was his name, a long splendid flow of syllables in the Speech, wild and courageous in its own way—and it said that he had not always been so hostile; that he got tired sometimes of being wicked, but his pride and his fear of being ridiculed would never let him stop. Never, forever, said the symbol at the very end of his name, the closed circle that binds spells into an unbreakable cycle and indicates lives bound the same way.” [...] “Nita bent quickly over the Book and, with the pen, in lines of light, drew from that final circle an arrow pointing upward, the way out, the symbol that said change could happen—if, only if—and together they finished the Starsnuffer’s name in the Speech, said the new last syllable, made it real.” Excerpt From: Diane Duane. “So You Want to Be a Wizard, New Millennium Edition.”

CAIATL’S NAME IS LITERALLY THE UP-AND-OUT SYMBOL.

I know I'm probably only talking to the handful of Destiny players from the (very small) Young Wizards fandom, but what you need to know is that this moment is pivotal and sets up the series-long theme of hope for an eventual exit from the cycle. It's the incredibly small, overwhelmingly improbable possibility of a second chance, a new start for the Lone Power, the source of all strife and suffering, who itself is driven by loss and pain. A concept of extended grace that is inherently tied to the philosophy of the Light.

“Billions of years, it took. All the redemptions there have ever been went toward this; from the greatest to the least. And finally in the fullness of time you came along, and took my role, of your own will, and woke up a race powerful enough to change the whole Universe, and gave them the fire.” She glanced up at the mobiles and smiled. “How could he resist such a bait? He took the gamble: he always does. And losing, he won.” [...] “The Defender reached down and put a hand into the shadow. “And we are going where such matters are transcended… where all his old pains will shift. Not forgotten, but transformed. Life in this universe will never have such a friend. And as for His inventions… look closely at Death, and see what it can become.” The long, prone darkness began to burn, from inside, the way a mountain seems to do with sunset. “Brother,” the Defender said. “Come on. They’re waiting.” Excerpt From: Diane Duane. “High Wizardry New Millennium Edition.”

This is the devil’s second chance, its homecoming. Grace among the memory. How do we heal this? By fixing it. By making and TAKING that opportunity of grace.

Likewise, Destiny is shaping up into its own universe’s story of this Reconfiguration, the remaking of everything that exists through the act of a second chance, both offered and taken, with full awareness of the irreversibility of harm already caused.

Destiny isn’t the story of the light and the darkness fighting each other. That happens, but that’s not what it’s ABOUT.

It’s “And I know exactly what we are. We’re best frenemies with a history of intense mutual hurt and messy reconciliation, leaving a deep tenderness as well as an almost impenetrable knot of scars. What could be simpler?” (Chalco)

It's “For so long, I believed peace was beyond my reach. No more. I have found it in guiding others down the same path that saved me. But… I might allow myself to want more than peace. What, I am not certain. Is joy the word? Might I find that again?” (Eris)

It's “Second chances… hm. Turns out I've been using mine wrong. I thought being a Guardian was my destiny. That wielding the Light for good was the most I had to offer. But it's clear now. This is what the Traveler chose me for. I was reforged in the Light for a purpose. To remake something dead and gone… into something beautiful. To learn how to forge something new from what we were. Everything Uldren did to the Reef, the Scorn… Fikrul. I have a responsibility — no — a calling to make them whole. And… I can't replace Cayde. But I can cover his old patrols — maybe organize the Hunters a bit, if they'll let me. Clean up some of my mess. I don't know if I can fix everything Uldren left broken… but I can try.” (Crow)

We aren’t defeating the Darkness. That’s never what it’s been about. It’s about breaking the cycle of trauma and grief with memory and grace. We're transcending the Final Shape, but we're not here to destroy it or become it. We’re harmonizing the Darkness and the Light into a sustainable balance to create something new from the wounded remains.

We're here to heal the broken relationship between the Winnower and the Gardener.

That's all that it is, in the end. They had a falling out, and now they hurt, and they hurt each other, and everything else, forever. Breaking free from that cycle begins and ends with them.

Is that fair? No, it's not.

But Destiny is – unhingedly, brilliantly, paradoxically – a FPS game about how to stop killing each other, growing ever more into a framework of restorative and reparative justice.

The story says, we are all culpable, we have all done awful shit and have endless potential to do more awful shit – AND, most critically, we all have the potential to do better (grace). AND, the act of making the conscious choice to do so and letting that happen is the only way for things to get better (memory).

The Collapse happened and it was horrible, the Red War happened and it was horrible, the Great Disaster happened and it was horrible, Twilight Gap happened and it was horrible...AND?? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RESPOND? The Whirlwind happened and it was horrible! The Fall of Torobatl happened and it was horrible! Your species' Choice was stolen and you became the most prolifically violent killers in the universe and it was and is horrible! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Are you going to make it more horrible? Or are you going to make it BETTER????

Are you going to fight for the Final Shape, or for the gentle kingdom ringed in spears?