#essentially I’m trying to see if everyone hates washing the same dish I hate washing

[raoulgoldenlake]

This one is for the No Dishwasher crowd only.

Brought to you by looking at my sink which is full of one of these types of dishes and absolutely dreading the task ahead of me

[circethegoblin]

STAYING ALIVE MASTERPOST, FROM A BROKE TEEN WITH ADHD

here you go. some down to earth tips on how to not die metally nor physically.

tired of those "drink three liters of water everyday uwu" and "wake up at 5 am" and "buy a bath bomb and a fec mask and some other things you don't have the money for" shit? i'm here for ya.

1. NOT DYING

eat at least three meals a day, one of which m u s t be warm and above 300 kcal (it can be istant ramen with an egg added if you have to)

you technically should shower everyday, but we know how it is. A change of clothes is sometimes enough.

DRY SHAMPOO AND BABY WIPES!!!

keep bottles with water everywhere. On your desk, near that spot on the floor you always end up sitting on, near your bed, basically whenever you know you spend a lot of time. No need to get up and go to the kitchen will help. Obviously change the water in the bottles as often as you can.

Get some form of physical activity. It doesn't have to be much, you can for example replace scrolling on tiktok by walking around your room and scrolling on tiktok! Brilliant, isn't it? Obviously, running or doing those 10 minutes workouts from youtube is better, but you are still getting like an hour of walking.

Buy blankets. Steal blankets. Summon blankets from other dimensions. Just make sure you have a lot of warm, soft blankets in your house. You will thank me when you won't have the anergy to wash your sheets (just take them off and throw some blankets on your bed), or when the power goes out.

If you have pets, ALWAYS keep spare food that'll last for a week for them.

things to always have in the kitchen: milk, eggs, flour, rice, pasta, yeast, cheese, oil, a leafy vegetable, onions, tomatoes, apples, patatoes, some flavourful sauce, sugar, salt, spices and an emergency chocolate bar. You can make a lot of food with those. Just make sure you won't eat the chocolate too fast.

Have a lot of spare batteries. A lot.

Get urself a flashlight, a lighter, and a pocket knife.

Remember the apples? eat one a day. if you don't like apples or you can't eat them for any other reason, you can take a kiwi, banana, orange, basically something that will give you vitamins and non processed sugar.

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

drugs from that one guy around the corner = very bad time

2. NOT DYING INSIDE

Open the damn window.

Don't watch so many commentary videos. You are probably not even checking the sources, so you can easily make unjust judgement, and like. did you even hear of half of those people before?

make a discord server just for yourself. get into the habit of writing little things that happened to you there. rant about the fanfics you read. or the movies. vent there if you don't have anyone you can vent to. write your ideas there, write e v e r y t h i n g. make a section for passwords, for quick ideas, for your to do lists. you won't lose it as you do with sticky notes or notebooks. there is no risk anyone will see it. oh, and when you'll have a strong impulse to tell emily that you hate her? write that message in your private server and list all ur arguments. look at tat the next day and decide if you really mean that.

life sucks. come to peace with it.

cuddle ur pets if you have them

1 hour a day without a lot of sensory input. if you have to, reduce to half an hour.

if you find yourself scrolling endlessly through social media, make sure it's pintrest (just don't compare urself to the people here; if you have issues with that, tumblr may be better)

delete. twitter. from. your. phone.

influencers are lying to you; maybe not even intentionally. remember when you were watching that cute-aesthetic-productive morning routine, and you were wondering why your life isn't that pretty? why your room is a mess? why you cannot for the life of god be aesthetic 24/7? its the filter. don't worry about it, their lifes arent that nice either.

realize there's actually nothing stopping you from screaming as loud as you can right now. like there is no physical barrier. think about it. realize there's no actual physical barierr to many other things.

your body is your body. you can decide how it looks like; just remember it's in your greatest interest to keep it healthy.

3. BEING A LITTLE BETTER THAN JUST ALIVE

If you wear make up, take it off before you go to sleep.

moisturize your body; everything is better when your skin doesn't feel dry

have a one brand of cosmetics that you love and buy things mainly from it. they often have sets of products that complete each other. i like ziaja. it's a polish brand, it's surprisingly cheap and has nice quality

cleanser, moisturizer, face mist

of you can, change your sheets once every two weeks

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

do a deep house clean once a month (don't beat yourself up when you don't tho)

keep your workspace organized (it doesn't have to look organized to other people, remember)

sunscreen

cook your own food

keep a calendar

no money for scented candles? got ya. make a simmer pot: throw some apple peel, a couple of cinnamon sticks and whatever spices that smell good you have into a pot, add some water and simmer. boom. your house smells good, and you haven't spend 20 dollars.

If you really like candles, buy scented wax melts. it's cheaper.

Buy urself scented mists. they're pretty cheap and will make you feel A LOT better.

keep your clothes clean. if you aren't sure if that shirt thats on your chair is dirty or not, throw it in the washing mashine anyway. better be sure.

if you can, make your bed right when you get up

wear clothes that make you feel good. put some effort into your outfits. really.

4. OTHER PEOPLE

be nice to essential workers.

if you have money, give tips.

remember, you do not owe anyone love; it is not something you can force. even if they saved your life. even when they helped you in your darkest time. if you don't love them, you don't.

you don't have to be in a romantic relationship to be happy.

if you want to, date! date everyone! date girls, date boys, date nonbinary people! date people completly different than you, date people from different countries, date them!!! just make sure they're kind and won't kill you. even if you don't end up in a relationship, you can learn a lot.

don't be afraid to piss off people that deserve it

smile to strangers :)

5. NOT FAILING SCHOOL

heard of dark academia? check it out

romanticize the heck out of studying

do not let your studying be just reading the same partagraph over and over again. it won't work. believe me.

seterra for geography, quizlet for everything else

try to make yourself intrestet in whatever you are studying (watch veritasium, listen to podcasts about weird history facts)

notes are for you and you only; don't worry about them looking pretty. doodle on margins, make weird metaphors, squeeze in as much info as you can.

when you're studying, listen to music without words/in a language you don't understand.

chew gum while you study

get the forest app, get attached to the trees, focus.

don't feel guilty for taking breaks

grades aren't everything, but they are important.

eat something in school

don't just use the cheapest pens. invest a couple dollars in something that will make writing enjoyable and smooth

those study with me videos? they're great

if you like to argue with the teachers, take care of your grades becouse. they may not like you afterwards.

be nice to your classmates and help them with homework. if you don't do your homework they'll help you

executive dysfunction won't let you study? been there. sometimes it's better to wake up ealier tommorow and do that homework then.

don't feel guilty for failing a test

go to the goddamn class

don't pull all nighters oh my god don't especially on weekdays

6. OTHER LIFEHACKS

don't get involved in the crime, and if you do always have a believable explanation why you were doing it

have different alarm sounds for every day of the week

set a daily limit of money that you spend

great hobbies that don't require a lot of money; urban exploration, writing, hiking and learning other languages

thrift stores

don't eat grapefruits while on meds

nail polish removers dissolve most strong glues.

if you have a cut on your skin, desinfect it. do it. please just do it.

always have pads with you. even if you don't get periods, at least one of your friends probably does

sign up in your local library. its free

[thorne93]

The Stars Made Us (Part 8)

Prompt: In this world, you’re one of the “lucky” ones who got a soulmate, but what if the universe gives you more than you bargained for?

(Prompt challenge – You live in a world where your soulmate can write on their skin and you will get the writing on your own and vice versa. Where they can wash away the ink on their own skin, however, the writing is forever scarred onto your skin until you meet face to face)

Word Count: 2606

Warnings: angst and language throughout

Notes: This was supposed to be for @sorryimacrapwriter​​​​  and their challenge like a year ago, I think? I still loved the prompt though and have been working on this story for quite some time. This aesthetic was made by @dontshootmespence​​​​, thank you so much! Beta’d by @like-a-bag-of-potatoes​​​​, couldn’t have done it without you, as well as @carryonmyswansong​​​​ and @arrow-guy​​​​ and @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo​​​​

Also, I’ve never really liked the whole soulmate AU thing idea, but this felt so right and it was amazing to write. I hope y’all love it too!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a week now since you arrived at the Xavier residence. 

You were successful in getting him to back off the alcohol until 5 pm. You had gotten him to eat a real meal at least once a day, which meant emerging from his room for some social interaction. Unintentionally, you two had spent quite a bit of time together. You were walking near the pond, reading when he appeared beside you. He began to ask you what you thought of the book and you two got into a long discussion over books you loved and hated. The next time was while you were cleaning the kitchen after breakfast and he was watching you. You didn’t know it at first until he spoke and you jumped slightly. 

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there,” you noted, wringing out the sponge in the sink before going back to work. 

“No, I should apologize, I was the one staring. I just… I’m not used to anyone being in here, well not like this. Growing up I had a chef and a full kitchen staff. My mother never stepped foot in a kitchen in her life.”

“Ah, so I’m a strange sight then, hmm?” you asked as you worked away. 

“Just a little bit. But I like it… It’s refreshing.” 

“Really? Typically men want a woman just like their mother.”

“My mother was an exceptional woman, she had very few faults, but I think it’s essential for everyone to know how to cook, and cook well.” 

“Oh,” you noted, huffing out some air as you finished scrubbing and wiping the counter. “So, do I? Cook well, that is. You’ve had my food now for a few days. What do you think?”

“Well some of the flavors and dishes are new to my taste, but I have yet to eat anything I outright don’t like.” 

“Progress then,” you said with a grin. 

“Yes, it would seem so.” 

The next time was when you were working on something your colleague had sent in. It was on a patient of yours and they had questions about it. You asked if you could use his study privately to talk to her and do some work. He granted you the room but he lingered in the doorway. He must’ve thought you couldn’t tell because your back was turned, but you knew he was there. After your brief two hour work session, you emerged and he approached you. 

“You sound as if you really care for your patients,” he commented. 

“I do. They’re my patients. They look to me to feel better, to ease their symptoms, to make their life easier. Why wouldn’t I care for them? You cared for your students, yes?” 

“Absolutely.” 

“Then I imagine it’s the same thirst to make sure they’re properly cared for.” 

“I suppose it is, yes. Sorry for eavesdropping I just--” 

You put your hand on his arm and smiled. “It’s fine, Charles. I understand.” 

He smiled and nodded. 

Of course you understood. He missed a year of you, you missed a year of him. You two were desperate to know every little thing about each other. Whether or not he was at fault for losing that year, he still wanted to know you, know about you, know how you ticked, and what made you tick. 

He still misused his serum, but thankfully, Hank had finally gotten the first batch ready to try on him. 

“Are you sure it’s ready?” 

“I’m pretty sure this is it. It might need some minor tweaking, but this should do it.” He handed you a fresh needle and serum. 

You nodded, huffing out. 

“You ready?” Hank asked. He knew this would be the biggest feat yet. Getting Charles to eat wasn’t hard, everyone had to eat. Getting him up at a reasonable hour, no problem. Even limiting his alcohol was relatively easy. 

But asking him to accept the voices which he desperately seemed to want to forget -- this would be your biggest mission. 

“I guess as I’ll ever be.” 

You took the needle and serum and found him in his study. 

“Hey, Charles, time for your meds,” you announced, trying to hide your nervousness. 

“Ah, thank you, it was starting to wear off,” he noted with a grin. He took the serum and needle from you and began to load the needle. 

Part of you honestly wanted him to take the serum and see how he reacted, but every ethical part of you was saying that was wrong. 

“Uh, before you take it, you need to know it’s a new kind.” 

He was just finishing loading the needle and pulling his sleeve up when he stopped to look at you. “I’m sorry, new? What do you mean?” 

“It’s…” you began wringing your hands, “it’s supposed to make you walk, and use your powers.” 

He immediately put the bottle and syringe down on his desk and faced you, his expression one of confusion and anger. 

“And why is this new?” 

“Because I asked Hank to make it.” 

“Why in the bloody hell would you do that?” he demanded, whipping around and pacing behind his desk. “The other serum was fine, it was perfect. It got rid of the pain--”

“And made you forget what living is like,” you countered. 

“How would you know what my life was like?” he argued, clearly angry. 

“Because like it or not, I know you. We talked for ten years, and you can bullshit me all you want that you showed me what I wanted to be seen. All I know is you went from being educated, compassionate, funny, sweet, eloquent, to an asshole who sits around all day doing nothing. I know that the man I loved was amazing and I envied him for all his hard work and dedication. You inspired me. When med school got too hard, I turned to you. Sometimes you sent me words of encouragement, other times I told myself ‘If he can do it, so can I’. I know it hurts. I know you lost friends and practically your sister. I know you’ve had a lot of shitty luck in your life, you told me so. I’m not denying that you should be angry, or hurt, or feel grief. I’m saying it shouldn’t stop you from living your life, from feeling the pain.” 

“What the fuck would you know about pain? Do you have any idea what it’s like living with this power?” 

“No. So why don’t you tell me?” you demanded, getting closer to him, less than arms length apart. 

“It’s excruciating. It’s like a thousand screaming, helpless voices in your head. Would you want that? Would anybody want that?” 

“No, but you dealt with it before, so why does it bother you now?” 

“Because it’s hard, alright?” 

“No, Charles, you handled these powers for nearly twenty years, so why now? What is so hard about controlling them now?” 

“Because I can’t handle them,” he stressed, his hands gesturing desperately towards you. “Don’t you get it? I can’t. I don’t have the ability to quiet them any more. It’s just so loud, there’s so much pain--”

You closed the gap between you two as you put your hands on the side of his face. 

“You did it once, you calmed it once, you can do it again. I’ll help you. You won’t be alone this time. Hank and I will both help you. I know it’ll be hard. I know it’s scary. I know the easy road is to just shut them out and not face the pain, to wall yourself inside this fortress and shut everything else out. But I’m giving you the option to stop the physical pain and accept who you really are. Your powers are a part of you. You shouldn’t shut them out. If you shut them out, you’ll be living a lie. You won’t be allowing yourself to be who you were born to be.” 

“I...I don’t know if I can.”

“You can, I know you can. You’ve got two Ph.Ds. You committed yourself to a phantom for ten years. You are not a quitter. I’ll be with you every step of the way…” You pursed your lips in thought. There had to be a compromise here. He didn’t want to return to normal, but you needed him to at least try. So you proposed something. “And, if you take this dose, and you just can’t withstand what happens… we’ll go back to the other serum. Is that a deal?” 

He eyed you up and down as you let go of him, peering at him with hope and pleading in your eyes. 

“One time, and then we go back to the other one if it doesn’t work?” 

“Absolutely. I’m not here to put you in agony, Charles.” 

He nodded. “Alright, darling, I’ll try… Once.” He lifted the syringe, found the vein, and then peered at you while he injected the serum. Neither of you said a word as the medicine took effect. 

After thirty seconds, his face went from a calm serene mask to an expression of anguish. 

“It’s...so...painful,” he rasped out as his hands slowly slid to his head. 

“It’s alright. It’s okay. Just focus on me, focus on my voice,” you encouraged. He began to stumble back, gripping his head as he sat in his leather swivel chair. His eyes on yours as it looked as if he were about to cry. 

“I--I--I can’t,” he cried out. “I need the other one.” 

“Charles, please? Please,” you begged, kneeling before him, your hands on his knees. “It’s alright. You did this for years. Focus on one thing. Focus on me, my face, my voice.”

His breathing started to even out as he stared at you. 

“That’s it,” you encouraged with a grin. “My voice, just think about it. Focus on the sound.” 

“You really did miss me,” he suddenly said, his brows furrowing as he stared at you. He was talking as if he was only speaking to himself. He continued to stare at you as his hands loosened their grip around his head. “You thought I was dead. You cried yourself to sleep every week… You thought you did something wrong.”  

You frowned, realizing what he was doing. This hadn’t really occurred to you, stupidly. Of course when he got his telepathic powers back, he’d be able to read your mind, why wouldn’t he? It was a bit unsettling, but he needed this. Swallowing your pride and discomfort you let him read your mind, as if you really had any other choice. 

Eventually, his face smoothed out. 

“There you go. There you are.” 

He stared at you, his breathing finally back to normal. 

“Are you okay? Is it as overwhelming as you thought it would be?” 

He shook his head and swallowed. “No, no… I think I can… I think I can stand it.”

“You sure?” you urged. “Because if you can’t, we’ll go back to the other one if--”

“I’m fine. You’re right. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.” 

You smiled at him. “I’m glad. We’ll help you. It’ll get easier with every day.” 

“I’m sorry I, uh--”

Shaking your head you waved him off as you stood up. “No, it’s fine. Your powers, they do that. I knew that. I just… I forgot. It took me aback, for a second, that’s all. Well, I’ll let you get to the rest of your day. Remember, no alcohol until 6 pm.” 

“I don’t want any. If I’m going to kick the bad habits, I need to do it right. I can’t lean on the alcohol for a crutch while my powers are going.” 

“That’s good,” you agreed, nodding. “I’m proud of you. I’m not sure if that means anything or not.” You gave a soft smile and left him for the day. 

You worked on cleaning, worked a little bit on patient files sent to you in your bedroom, and by nightfall, you were telling Charles and Hank goodnight. 

-----------------------------

By nightfall three nights later, you were in Charles’s room, telling him goodnight as you helped him tidy up. He was done dusting his books and said he was ready to hit the hay. He climbed into bed as you waited for him to get rested. 

“How are you feeling?” you asked, referring to his third day on the new serum. 

“I’m coping… getting through it,” he assured. “It’s like muscles you haven’t flexed in a long time.”

A slow nod came to you. “I’m glad you’re working them out,” you said with a slight laugh. 

“Me too.” 

“Well, goodnight, sweet dreams,” you bid before walking to his door. You opened the door, just about to step out when suddenly he said something to stop you. 

“I missed you too, you know?” he remarked, his heart and tone full of sadness.  

You turned back to him, your hand still on the handle to the door. 

He continued, not giving you a chance to talk. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to talk to me. I’d been so successful so far, I had so much to offer you. Then suddenly, I was a man with nothing. No legs, no powers, no school, no ambition, no future. I had nothing to give you. I was so afraid that if I did tell you the truth, you’d reject me. I knew in my heart you wouldn’t, you’re not like that. It didn’t stop me from thinking the worst though. And I knew if I told you about everything else, I’d have to tell you about my mutation and I really wanted to wait until we met in person.” 

“I… don’t blame you. I can understand. I just missed you, that’s all.” You walked toward the bed, sitting down on the empty side. 

He let out a sorrowful laugh. “I missed you more than words can say. Who knows, maybe if I had talked to you I wouldn’t have fallen into this depression. In fact, I’m sure if I hadn’t ignored your texts, I would’ve been fine, relatively speaking.”

“I wish I could’ve been there for you.” 

“I know you do,” he said with love in his voice as he reached his hand out, and you took it happily. “You don’t have to be here, by any means. You’re not obligated to be here. I was just a coward when it comes down to it--”

“Charles,” you started, shaking your head, objecting. 

“No, it’s true. You’ve been nothing but open and honest with me and I didn’t return the favor. I just...abandoned you. You had no one, no one who understood what you were going through. You were all alone. I, at least, had Hank.” 

“It’s okay,” you assured.

“No, it’s not. You deserved better. You do deserve better, and I’m so sorry for that. I can’t make up for what I took away from you, for what I took away from us.” 

You cast your eyes down, unsure what to say. 

“But we can salvage what we have, right? We can still try to make up for lost time, right?” 

“Right,” you agreed with a smile, tears brimming your eyes. 

“Good. I’d like to at least try.”

“Me too.” 

“Thank you for being here, I truly appreciate it. I know you’re here for me, not for some destiny fulfillment. I know you care for me. I know that.”

“Good, don’t ever forget it,” you chided with a grin as you squeezed his hand. 

“Never again,” he promised before pulling your hand up to kiss the back of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

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TSMU

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[justsomeguycore]

that article really hit the nail on the head for me. something i have been so terrified of in regards to “transition” myself - basically the inverse of what that person is talking about. i don’t want to LOSE the female solidarity. i don’t think i’m a woman but i don’t want to be disinvited from girls nights. i don’t want women walking in front of me on the sidewalk to become afraid when they see me walking behind them. god i would love to just instantly have a cis male body but that’s not possible and it’s way too much work to try to attempt it. what am i gonna do, start working out? and like.

something i always think about in regards to my own potential transition is. how alone i feel. i don’t want to talk to the ladies at work about becoming a man. i haven’t even told them my name that i use with all my friends. i don’t want to explain it to my grandfathers. i don’t even want to explain it to my well meaning mom, who i have told i am nonbinary but that i was still figuring stuff out and who responded essentially “well let me know when you have it figured out because i’m confused.” i have been training her on they/them pronouns for the last eight years and it hasn’t stuck. not with me, of course, but i’ve made sure to bring up every single nonbinary acquaintance i’ve ever had - me and my family have talked about these people so much you’d think they were my good friends, but no, they were just they/thems who happened to be in my proximity that i could use as a way to get the they/them foot in the door well in advance of asking my cis family to use they/them for me.

and its just traumatizing. i’m on the same page as that person who wrote the article. every day i have to do a cost benefit analysis of whether it would be more traumatizing to be trans or closeted today. and part of this is that i have an undertreated anxiety disorder, but that’s part of it too. what is the cost, emotionally and financially, of going to therapy or changing my meds or adding new ones, and is it really lower than just living like this?

i have wanted to be a boy since puberty which is effectively when i realized that i would never be one. i had such a gender neutral childhood that i really didn’t mind being a girl, since girls were allowed to do anything boys could do. but it became increasingly obvious that that’s not true and nobody really believes it. of course girls CAN do anything boys can do, but they MUST do it differently. there are different tactics that women must employ to do what men can do.

and that’s another thing i’m forced to balance - sometimes i’ll get worked up about something, like washing my hair too often, and i’ll snicker to myself “hey, would a man ever think he was washing his hair too often? no! he would be like i’m greasy and get in the shower.” and it literally doesn’t matter if that statement is true, because it helps me. of course there are men out there concerned about deteriorating their natural body oils with too much unnatural shampoo. but it helps me to break out of what i see as the sort of useless entrapment of feminine beauty culture. maybe it’s better for me not to wash my hair every day. but is scalp health in the long run worth how disgusting i feel, how much i hate myself, when my hair is flat and stringy and greasy? and then this extends to common courtesy. would a man take his roommates’ dishes in with his own and add them to the dishwasher? would a man change the toilet paper roll? would a man offer to throw in your laundry with his? it’s all these little things that i’m like. i’m so tired of anticipating everyone’s needs all the time. and i connect it to gender because i was always taught that anticipating others’ needs is a thing women do, but there’s nothing inherent about that, it’s all taught and learned. it’s like that post from a while back that was like “women shouldn’t have to stop saying i’m sorry, men should say i’m sorry more.” that’s how i feel, constantly caught in “i shouldn’t have to do this because i’m actually not a woman, and also by the way women shouldn’t have to do this either.”

i think so much that the only solution is to isolate. if i don’t have to be a member of society, if i only spend time with people who know me and love me and never speak to another goddamn soul who might unduly judge me, then i could live freely as myself. i’m still stuck in the feeling that asking people to use different pronouns than the ones i’ve used for 26 years is burdening them, making their lives more complicated when i don’t have to. it feels selfish to be trans, you know? it feels like asking others to change how they perceive me in any other context feels absurd, ridiculous. like how everyone teases a “tommy” when he asks that they start calling him tom. people change and grow all the time in ways that aren’t related to gender or sexuality, and are ridiculed for wanting others to acknowledge how they’ve changed.

idk this doesn’t have a thesis or anything. i just think that life would be a lot easier if we just trusted that other people have way more going on below the surface than we can ever be aware of. being lgbt or a feminist doesn’t absolve you of assuming others’ genders and sexualities when you actually don’t know anything about them. i think most of us have more in common than we’re taught to believe. i’m tired of dissecting actions and clothing and pronouns and names and bodies in regards to gender. i just want to live in a world where people stop fucking calling me miss without me having to take testosterone and get ripped and grow a beard etc.

[firepiplup]

How do i say no to people

You know that analogy about people with adhd having spoons for energy management or whatever? My spoons are on backorder from like 2 months ago and more got on that list now

The problem is that all of the things I'm being asked to do are Very Important Things

I have to feed my diabetic cat. This in itself is not a problem, however she's needs to eat at a specific time (12 hour spacing) and my current sleeping situation along with work do not allow this to happen consistently. Currently trying for 7:30, we'll see how it goes

My apartment has bedbugs, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm sleeping on my living room floor until my scumlord landlord actually gets the guy to come back to spray because he did spray but I'm still seeing adults and i "need to give the spray time to work" it's been fucking 2 weeks i don't know how is supposed to work but i feel like after 2 weeks whatever spray you did isn't going to get any stronger i just want to sleep in my own bed it's been like this since fucking March

With that part explained, I'm sleeping at my mom's house on the other side of town. This in itself isn't much of a problem, however as "payment" i have to take care of her dog in the morning, to practice because she's going on a week long vacation in October and none of her dogs can just be taken care of like normal dogs. He needs to wear a diaper to leave the room while i pick up his shit and soiled weewee pad and mop the floor, give him some time to be out of his room, and then feed him his special food mix. The other dog has allergies and probably will get into something he shouldn't, then not use the bathroom outside even though he literally has a doggy door that has constant access to the backyard. Neither dog get along with each other, which is why they are separated. Thank fuck the cat is just normal, this is why i prefer them

Now with THAT explained, it's difficult to take care of my own cat on time in the morning. But as the legendary Billy Mays says: But wait, there's more!

I just got rehired at my job working in a local understaffed pizzeria. My friend, ego also works there, is on vacation (good for her, she deserves it, absolutely no negativity towards her) so i have acquired her hours. So i now work 6 days a week, kinda sorta clopen but i guess it's more of opelose. Or a combination of both? Idk. The point here is, I'm then dealing with essentially running half a restaurant alone 6 days a week, with it not being 7 purely because the owner himself ALSO has the same work schedule as far as I'm aware, and wanted to give himself a day off, and since we are so understaffed it would be impossible unless we literally closed. My tasks include answering the phone, washing dishes, making sandwiches, making dinners, folding pizza boxes, and cleaning the tables/equipment on that side of the restaurant. So essentially everything except making pizzas, cleaning the pizza area, mopping in general, and driving. We generally close at 9, 10 on Friday and Saturday. Guess who was explicitly rehired to close those days? Guess how that's going to work with me having to be home around 7:30 to take care of my own cat? I have no idea either. It's only for about 3 weeks, but my mom, whom i have not asked for any additional help with anything, won't feed the cat while i have work, even though there isn't a guarantee that i can leave on time to THEN RETURN to close, because again I'm the only one on that side of the building. I understand the fear of the bedbugs, so that's probably it, but it still fucking sucks because the kitchen is on the other side of the apartment from the bedroom and there is literally no reason to go there to feed her. But i get it

Did we get to where i can do my own ADLs? Of course not. My neighbor is in the hospital, and her husband is blind. This is a new development that was only discovered an hour before starting this post (about 3:30 am for me). She's ok, it's for mental health reasons, and that's her own business about that. Her husband being blind is not a new development however. And he needs help taking care of the pets, specifically the birds. Which is fine, they just also need to eat on their own schedule. 8am, around lunchtime, and 8pm. Guess who's still at work? One of the birds is special needs because her beak got injured and needs to be essentially spoon fed. Which the blind husband can't do at all. Fairly simple task, but just adding to my obligations that are Very Important because they involve making sure things don't starve to death while my neighbor is in Crisis

Ok let's see, that's 4 Very Important Tasks/Obligations, and only one was originally my own voluntary one. Still not at taking care of myself yet, but i have my shelter, i have my job ("part time" minimum wage, hurray. Part time because even with me being there 6 fucking days a week open to close it still isn't technically enough hours for the state to recognize it as full time), and I'm taking care of *counting* about 8 pets for the next week. Will unemployment give me my money that I've been claiming since March? No? Will they let me claim with my new working hours that makes that while process even harder? Technically but it'll take over an hour for it to process and it doesn't even do that in the end? Well fuck, guess i have to wait to get paid on the books in cash and beg for a hand written paystub and have my hours worked written down. Glad i earned $100 this week, i hope now that my hours have increased i get some more

Next on the list, appointments. Because I'm a dumbass who can't remember shit if it isn't consistently recurring, i overbooked myself for next week. My much needed therapy appointment with my therapist that I've only met once and is the replacement for my much better therapist that i actually had a relationship with is supposed to have a session with me on Tuesday. Will i remember to do it this time? Possibly since i actually remembered it's on Tuesday. Will she send me the reminder text with the zoom link? Probably not. Wednesday, my one day off, thank fuck for that, is the main problem with the scheduling. My med appointment is for 11:30. Cool, can do. Driving lesson at 12. Oh, that's a little close, but i can manage that probably. I only average 1 lesson per year and a half, so it's fine, it's "healthy" to be nervous about operating a death machine powered by explosions. Have to go to social services to pick up, or attempt to, a new food stamps card. They probably close at 5, and add a Non Driver, i need to rely on someone to take me. The sooner the better, but it can't be during the lesson. Don't forget to take care of the creatures before and during all of this.

Ok. Great. There's an hour before work. Time to shower, because it's so fucking hot I'll be sweating like crazy by the time i get around the corner to the pizzeria, with me literally getting out and dressed and then walking out the door. Glad i finally did still to take care of myself. Eating? I might have something i can heat up quickly while the cat eats and so i can take my own meds. Dishes? Those are going to have to wait, i hope the heat wave doesn't get too bad, but it's been like this for a while, still slowly chipping away at them. Sleep? Severe insomnia. I partially blame the bed, my mattress is so comfortable, i hope the bedbugs like it because i can't fucking use it right now. I'd be sleeping so fucking soundly if i were in my own bed, and yet here i am. Maybe i should take the Trazodone now. I just hope I'll wake up on time. Oh look I'm exhausted, can't afford to buy comparatively better prepared coffee from Dunkin, so i guess my shitty at home coffee is going to have to do. Black because i don't have any creamer or milk or lactose free milk in my house. Just the way i hate it. Gonna have to deal with that i guess, maybe I'll learn to like it

The coffee pot lives in my fridge now. I'm worried to put it with the other dishes because if it sits there, not being washed like everything else, then i won't even have the option of coffee. It's just water and ground up beans, I'm sure it's fine

Maybe i can find some kind of coping skill/hobby to help me through my limited me time. Let's see.... I like to crochet, and that helps me get through the dishes by letting me alternate between them and a row/round on one of my many started projects. What? It's in a giant garbage bag with a bedbug treatment stick because of the damn ass bedbugs? Can't open it for at least another week and even then there isn't a place to put the yarn safely? Well fuck. I found that really helpful with keeping me grounded. Umm, well looking online, i should *checks notes* buy new yarn in the meantime and keep it somewhere safe. Uh, well, i can't afford more yarn now and i have nowhere to put it. Videogames it is maybe? Oh fuck now I've hyper focused too long on pokemon, rhythm heaven, and whatever daily games i do, i think i have 5 of those of varying lengths of time spent on them

Did i remember to brush my teeth? No. Do i remember that i should and then when i get out of the shower so i forget to actually execute? Yes. Have i gone insane? Probably

How many spoons is a person supposed to have per day? It takes more for me just to get through the day in general. Why does everyone need me to do their Very Important Tasks? Why is there never anyone else? Can my neighbor just not buy more birds when she gets home from Crisis?

I just want to have good mental health, why is this so hard

[shimzus-a]

ok i’m ... only going to talk about my unpopular opinions in regard to kiyoko’s character & her portrayal. i disagree about more things than that, but i’m not trying to overstep my bounds into other people’s portrayals or the way that furudate decided to write hq.

i don’t ship kiyoyachi. i honestly can’t see them as anything more than platonic friends / best friends. kiyoko hasn’t really given any indication of her being interested in dating in the manga, nor has yachi, & their differences in personality & age make me prefer to see them as just friends. more than anything, i think yachi is someone that kiyoko is grateful to have as a friend. furudate has said that kiyoko struggles with her words / communication a lot, which means that kiyoko’s ability to talk to yachi as another girl on an all-boys team, as a senior passing the torch to the future team, & as a simple friend is something she greatly cherishes. he’s also said that he added yachi as a character who “doesn’t overlap with kiyoko-san at all,” further stressing their differences. i think they blend a lot better as friends than they do as partners, & i prefer them to just be platonic. 

kiyoko isn’t rude to her own team, or rude period. she’s usually painted out to be cold & reserved, but it’s clear that she cares for her team. some people might be confused because of the distinction between concise speech & rudeness, but i think that kiyoko’s tendency to give short, simple responses sometimes leads to her being perceived as snippy or curt. but she’s been shown joking with her team ( in an off-brand sort of dark / unclear humor that sugawara also shows, sometimes ), high-fiving / patting them with distinct physical contact ( that a rude person might not ), & smiling around them. the only clear instance of her doing something that could be perceived as “rude” is that oikawa’s current concern lists her as having ignored him. but in contrast, she’s been confronted by terushima & whispered about / talked about by multiple other strangers or opposing players, but she never treats them poorly. she politely tries to excuse herself from terushima, or feigns ignorance / looks away from anyone she hears talking about her. most of the time, it’s tanaka & nishinoya who prevent her from coming in direct contact with boys who think she’s cute, so she’s never clearly “shut anyone down” in a rude way. 

in that same boat, she doesn’t HATE people who flirt with her. hate is such a strong word & i don’t like to use it to refer to her feelings, but sometimes i’ve seen kiyoko be portrayed as the type of person who coldly, meanly shuts people down when they flirt with her. there’s an extra illustration in which she’s wearing a sarashi ( chest wrap ), & oikawa, kuroo, & bokuto exclaim that they want to help promote the volume so they can see her in it. but she doesn’t shut them down for it -- she crosses her arms, blushes, & makes a sort of pout-like expression ( like she’s not pleased with it, but she can’t stop them ). i don’t know where the notion of her being this aggressive, icy “man-killer” came from, but i think her responses to flirtation are pretty normal. most often, tanaka & nishinoya will stop the advances, but if they don’t, she’ll be polite to excuse herself or she’ll pout & feel embarrassed / exasperated by it. she might also rebuke advances with short, dry answers, but this is usually directed towards people she knows well ( tanaka & nishinoya ), & not strangers who could perceive it as rude if they didn’t know her well.

[ speculation ] kiyoko isn’t rich. karasuno has been painted out to be a rural public high school with medium- to low-acceptance standards. kageyama couldn’t pass the written exams to enter shiratorizawa ( a private school ), & i believe aoba josai has also been confirmed to be a private school. furthermore, the facilities at karasuno point to it being a bit of a hodge-podge school -- the volleyball team doesn’t have a coach & they aren’t given a replacement, & the girls volleyball club has to share a gym with the basketball team. so, although this is just my speculation & not confirmed in any way, kiyoko is probably local & comes from a middle-class family, which would be common in suburban / rural miyagi. her out-of-school clothing in some official art suggests that she lives comfortably & can keep up with some fashion trends ( her teddy-esque type jacket in winter, small backpack at the shrine visit, two confirmed pairs of swimsuits, etc. ), but she’s clearly not loaded with money or from a high-class family. 

she’s not a highly intelligent character. she’s in class 3-2, one of the lower level classes ( not a college prep class ). some of her observations in haikyuu-bu ( though it’s technically a comedic spin-off ) suggest that she’s not highly intelligent in the way some other characters are. furudate also comments on her in the haikyuu guidebook, “i created her with the image of a ‘capable secretary’ in mind who does her work in a matter-of-fact manner. but that doesn’t mean she’s cool, in fact i draw her as being not very good with words.” i interpret this choice of wording of “cool” as also inclusive of “intelligent / clever.” i don’t think she’s unintelligent. i wrote a headcanon based on gardner’s multiple intelligences theory to explain that she’s more skilled in certain intelligences, & i plan on writing another headcanon about her intelligence later, but at least in terms of traditional book smarts, she’s not considered intelligent.

she’s not useless. this is an opinion i unfortunately see / hear a lot, & i think it’s rooted in the fact that kiyoko is a minor character, often seen as a block to certain ships, & because karasuno has two managers instead of one. i want to stress that because haikyuu is a sports manga, the majority of the on-page action is in volleyball matches, not the behind-the-scenes work of the managers. kiyoko is a minor character & accordingly doesn’t get much development or time on the page. but what we learn from hints in the manga is that she has essentially taught herself the rules of volleyball with minimal assistance from a senior manager ( since she was recruited in her first year & there was no manager there at the time ), that she is responsible for cooking, washing jerseys, & doing dishes ( from the ‘what if shimizu-san wasn’t the manager’ extra chapter ). sawamura also at one point remarks that she’s “got a lot of work on her hands” before the team plays at the interhigh tournament, which means that even the team captain recognizes her responsibilities & worth on the team. 

9/10 dentists characters have called her pretty. at one point i actually tried to make a list of all the characters who have in some way commented on her appearance or acted strangely around her because she was pretty. off the top of my head, i can list : hinata, yachi, tanaka, nishinoya, sawamura, sugawara, azumane, yahaba, kindaichi, oikawa, yamamoto, lev ( ? ), kuroo, bokuto, terushima, & bobata. unfortunately, furudate’s earlier art doesn’t do her beauty much justice in my opinion ( which is why i think this tends to be downplayed sometimes ), but she clearly has some testimonials to her appearance. 

she’s probably not close with any of the team outside of practice. during their new years shrine visit, the third years remark that it’s the first time they’ve ever all been to a shrine together. kiyoko also states at some point during that visit that she needs to get a gift for someone from class, which clarifies that she probably has friends outside of volleyball class ( in the same way that sawamura knows yui or ikejiri, or hinata knows friends from middle school ). furthermore, when she comes to visit hinata in the first year’s hallway, she gets a lot of comments from other students in shock, asking “who’s that pretty girl talking to hinata” / “hinata knows the hot third year ?” then when she calls hinata outside the school to come to the gym for his updated measurements, a student remarks “whoa, hinata knows that pretty third year !” this tells me that she probably doesn’t visit the first year’s hallway very often ( despite being friends with yachi ), & likely not the second year’s either. 

she’s not insecure about her beauty. her legs, yes, but not her face. i’ve seen some interpretations in fics of kiyoko somehow being embarrassed by her attractiveness, but clearly it doesn’t seem to bother her in the manga, even when she’s flirted with by other characters. she also doesn’t seem to look shy / hide when she wears her swimsuit in official art or puts her hair up in a different hairstyle. 

she has a sense of humor & she knows how to smile. i touched on this in like one sentence before, but she does have a sense of humor. it’s just not what you would expect from her -- it’s a bit dark ( such as when she grins when she scares yachi with the vocabulary term “kill block” ) & convoluted ( such as when she clearly goes against her actions by calling out “oikawa-san !!!” in the anime after ignoring him ). obviously, her humor doesn’t register with everyone, & is probably used at unusual / not obvious times, which means that it isn’t always read as humor. but she’s not some kind of humorless, cold robot girl. she just tends to dial back her reactions & behaviors in a more subdued way than other characters.

[kingofthewilderwest]

How do u feel about Mabel

I have an unending sense of adoration for what Mabel contributes to Gravity Falls. Technically, Mabel isn’t a favorite of mine – I don’t think of her or relate to her as much as others like Stan, Ford, Dipper, or Fiddleford. However, my appreciation for her is endless.

Gravity Falls couldn’t exist without Mabel. The story’s heart would be crippled. Mabel’s energy and charm provides a unique personality to the show through her unique personality. The show wouldn’t have the same vibe without her ridiculousness! Plus, GF is a story of familial love. And Mabel, as half of the younger Pines twins duo, is essential to giving us the feels of what it means to be in a loving but emotionally complicated family. They couldn’t have picked a better personality to interact with Dipper and Stan for the narrative’s central trio. The combination of Mabel’s vivacity, Stan’s gruffness, and Dipper’s paranoia… is what sells us on this cast. (With Bill, Soos, Wendy, Ford, Pacifica, Gideon, etc. making great additions.)

That’s already enough to celebrate Mabel, but I can’t say this enough: Mabel is the fulfillment of my greatest wish for women characters:

Let women be weird.

The Limited Scope of Female Personalities in Media

All genders get roped into stereotypical personalities in media, but I feel like women especially get reduced. I struggle relating to and loving fictional women… because they feel like the same restrictive subset of personalities I’ve seen reiterated again and again and again and again and again. 

There’s the rude, prissy, popular rich girl. 

There’s that easygoing cool tomboy. 

There’s the hot, edgy, serious, sexy, COOL, highly skilled badass action woman who is the most hardcore of the main cast, hides a sense of internal empathy and compassion, but warms up from her coldness when she meets the main character lead… and then probably goes and kisses him once he, despite being a rookie, magically manages to best her years of hard training.

*ka-sigh*

Even when a fictional woman doesn’t hit something that cringeworthily stereotypical, she still feels… bland. Fictional characters can be enjoyable exaggerations of personality traits – we have the opportunity to create as weird, ridiculous, or diverse of individuals as we possibly can. And yet usually women aren’t written to be as wild or diverse in their personalities as men. The ladies will probably look standardly pretty, act standardly reasonable, act standardly feminine, and make standard choices. Women characters in a cast often feel the least distinct to me. I’m probably not going to find quirks in my ladies or something that sets them apart from the crowd. Let’s be real: media depicts women according to societal expectation. Women in media are reduced to a washed-out, generic fantasy that doesn’t relate anything to how women feel, nor does it try hard to relate to what women feel.

The writing doesn’t understand women. And I can feel it.

When a bland, stale action woman goes on screen in her hot sexy tight pants, is her presentation supposed to be female empowerment (she’s fighting [gasp!])? Or is it another quick, uninspired shortcut without thinking through what her humanity is? “She fights, she’s a ‘good’ female role model, that’s good enough.” Still caters to the male gaze, still caters to male fantasy for what an attractive woman is like, still doesn’t think through her psychology, still presents media’s “desire” for what women “should” be like.

We drastically need to improve how women are written.

You know what my women friends are like? Women are loud and unashamed belchers. Women crack terrible puns about the French Revolution while everyone boos. Women dress up their stuffed animal cats in goggles and a lab coat. Women geek out over how cute worms are. Women want to kill the opposing team in sports competitions. Women eat food off the floor. Women spend sleepovers watching chick flicks and musicals. Women shriek screamo songs at the top of their lungs, getting maybe a third of the lyrics right, racing through the night in their car twenty miles over the speed limit. Women spend thirty five minutes trying to get the perfect selfie because their hair finally fucking cooperated. Women repeatedly text their friends photos of them flipping the bird making derp faces. Women play beer pong until they’re drunk. Women do unnecessarily complicated mathematics calculations to prove their point in fandom. Women stay up all night screaming murder at first person shooter video games. Women play shitty pop song covers on their tubas. Women spend an hour and a half dyeing their hair pink in the sink (and dye the entire bathroom pink in the process). Women debate the finer points of Immanuel Kant with one another. Women demand their friends dish the details when they hear someone has a new significant other. Women binge watch anime eating frozen dinners heated from the microwave while sobbing out their mascara. Women get crushes on Simba or Kovu from The Lion King. Women work out at gyms because they want to get RIPPED. Women. Are. Diverse. And. Delightfully. QUIRKY.

I know I ranted a long time about it, but the point is to show the difference between what women are (personable and peculiar)… versus the stale bread, watered-down crap we get in the movies.

So this. This is why I will never quit raving about Mabel.

Mabel finally lets us see an ACTUAL GIRL as ACTUAL GIRLS act: she’s delightfully, realistically, over-exaggeratedly, charmingly, unforgettably WEIRD.

Instead of trying to write a “girl” first and getting tied up in the tropes and gender biases, Gravity Falls writes a character who happens to be a girl with some girl traits.

What Makes Mabel Different

Instead of writing some standard bland stereotyping “oh this feels vaguely feminine and attractive” excuse-for-a-cardboard-cutout-of-a-woman… Mabel is given real love, real personality, real demonstration of what women are. After all these years of me suffering in theatres thinking, “Oh look, it’s the same uninspired sexy badass action woman stereotype,” I can finally find a character who’s not what media pretends women should be like. I see a character who the writers actually thought about her personality for!

Gravity Falls allows a woman character to do things I almost never see of women characters.

For starters: Mabel’s gross. She finds leftover tacos in the backseat of the car and decides it’s a perfect snack. She sticks her head into a dusty barrel and laughs when caterpillars crawl over her face. She makes fart sounds and laughs at those fart sounds. She lets a statue pick her nose. She shoves food into her mouth voraciously. She’s animated with wild, ridiculous, non-flattering facial expressions. Gravity Falls allows Mabel to be gross.

This is already amazing to me. Cartoons are a little better than live action movies, where the latter can’t let a woman look imperfect when she’s crying or fighting villains. But cartoons often have limitations for how women are shown, too. It’s refreshing to see a girl who is gross.

And I don’t know about you, but I’d be hard-pressed to name even three other contemporary Western women characters who’re allowed to be girly AND gross. Mabel Pines. Princess Fiona. The list ends there for me? Sometimes I’ll see girls in media dressed with “unruly” appearances – their hair is SLIGHTLY frazzled and they wear glasses (gasp) – but that’s not real grossness, and it’s especially not grossness combined with girliness.

Gravity Falls isn’t afraid to make Mabel both gross and “girly”, and that’s special.

Next, Mabel’s girliness feels authentic. By “girliness” I mean Mabel taking actions according to Western societal gender norms for ciswomen. I don’t mean that’s how girls have to innately be. I hate the idea that people “should” behave according to gender roles and encourage us all to express our individuality. Anyway. Yes, most women in media have girliness to them… but nothing prepared me to seeing a twelve year old girl act like the twelve year old girls I knew.

Mabel loves bright colors, rainbows, unicorns, cute boys, formal dances, boy bands, and looking cute. These are girly traits and girly interests. But the way they show Mabel, Candy, and Grenda bonding over boy talk at a sleepover? That ridiculous, unrestrained screaming, combined with the mischievous grins, is exactly the sort of stuff I grew up with. It’s not just “oh we wrote a girl who likes pink and makeup who gets catty about crushes” – it’s “oh, we wrote a girl who enjoys her girly side like a twelve year old would!”

Gravity Falls allows Mabel to live according to some elements of the gender norm. The show doesn’t tote the idea that people live without gender influence, that people live in a vacuum of culture. It shows people in society often live by some pattern of gender roles. But, the show doesn’t make Mabel be that norm or preach she should be that norm. Honestly, I don’t see many shows try to strike this balance: willing to give characters gender role interests, while still respecting that everyone is unique and doesn’t need to live by those roles. Either the shows completely drop gender roles (which can be refreshing and help us overcome our biases) or they stick too close to assumptions that your gender = your brain, which is backwards thinking.

GF doesn’t lazily pin a character with girly traits because “that’s what women are.” It doesn’t stop at some assumptive “She wears pretty boots.” It understands Mabel’s psychology, lets her express that girliness unrestrained, provides her screen time to live this (!!! screen time to girl time in an all-gender-demographic-show!!!), and allows her to intersect that girliness with her grossness and her weirdness.

Next, Mabel is allowed to be confident and bold. Society isn’t good with women being bold and outspoken yet. Women often get criticized for being bossy, bitchy, obnoxious, etc. when they speak their minds and act with the confidence that men are “allowed” to have in their daily lives. And yet Mabel can be an outspoken and unrestrained character.

It works well for her age, too! 

Last, Mabel is weird. Mabel has quirks. I’ve said this three hundred times and I’ll say it three hundred more, but Mabel being weird is a delight. It’s not often that women are allowed to be the ridiculous comedic side in children’s / family animation. (Yay Ruffnut for also fulfilling this role.) 

Mabel is unrestricted, allowed to be a wild dork on screen. She’ll eat tubes of toothpaste because they’re sparkly, make “Mabel juice” with plastic dinosaurs in the pitchers, dress pigs in costume, knit scratch-and-sniff sweaters, slap stickers on her uncle’s nose, scream for a minute straight before coughing up glitter, dream up the centaurtaur, and more. 

But it’s not just that. It’s her mindset. Mabel’s excitement for things – down to an eight legged cow having “more limbs for hugging” – is a perspective I essentially never see in stories. She’s got a way of looking at the world like no one else I know. It’s a wild, bizarre perspective… but that’s what makes her so good and human. 

Mabel has a “What the heck?” vibe from her, whether it’s her interests, her thought processes, or her choices.

And frankly, that’s so much more relatable, personable, and beautiful to me… than almost any other woman I see on screen in media. When I see Mabel, I can remember what I was like as a kid.

Although I’m non-binary, I didn’t grow up knowing about non-cis gender. I grew up more or less thinking of myself as a little girl. Many of my childhood experiences were with little girls. So, when I look at old photographs of myself, I see someone with unrestrained energy, joy, and weirdness - just like Mabel.

That is what kids are like, guys! That is what kids are like!

Not this weird restricted stereotype on television I see! But THIS.

So yeah. 

Even just from the topic “What does Mabel bring to women’s representation in media,” Mabel is a shooting star. She’s a success. I love it. It’s freeing, exciting, and refreshing to me, being able to see a woman character given this loving treatment. I’m passionate about women being represented well in media, and not in the sense of falsely-portrayed empowerment. Mabel is the glorious three-dimensional, unique, bizarre, memorable type of girl I want!

She’s worth celebrating for all her personality traits, too: her creativity, her energy, her lightheartedness, her love for her family. But that’s content for another essay.

In short: bless Mabel Pines. Bless, bless, bless Mabel Pines.

This is a damn great character.

[lunerbean]

Witch Tips 21

1. Schedule your spells

I've mentioned before that it's very helpful to keep a pocket day planner in your grimoire or with it. You don't have to have one, but if you choose to then it's a great place to implement this tip. Some spells take multiple days to do, you want to make sure you'll be able to do it each day. Some spells have to be done in certain moon phases, so be sure to schedule those around in the correct times. Not to mention days, hours, zodiac signs, etc can also have an impact on when you need to perform a spell. Scheduling it helps keep you organized and helps you to remember to do the ones with specific time requirements.

2. Trance gifs can help with meditation

Sometimes it's really hard to get into a trance when you need to for a spell or when you're meditating. Find a nice, calming and serene trance GIF to help you get in the zone. Make sure it matches the mood you're going for.

Bonus: You can find ones with colors that correspond with the spell you're doing.

3. Sigils don't have to only effect you

You can create and activate sigils for a multitude of reasons. I mostly see witches use them for their own needs, which of course is 1000% fine, but it's not the only choice. Put a good luck sigil on the sidewalk so everyone walking over it charges it and benefits from it. Put protection sigils in the dirt around forests to help keep them safe. Draw sigils on or under desks at school to help other people succeed in their exams. You can use your magick to make the world a little bit better.

4. Center yourself after grounding

While not entirely necessary, many witches find it greatly beneficial to center themselves after ground. Centering can realign your emotional waves and connect your body back into itself. This can be as simple as doing some grounding yoga and then meditating afterwards, that's my preferred method.

5. Make protection amulets out of your protective weapons

I don't mean to jump from a peaceful, mindful practice right into stabbing bitches, but sometimes that's just the way it goes. Unfortunately, some of the people in this world can have terrible intentions. If you're in a place where you feel like you need to carry a knife, pepper spray, knitting needles, etc to protect yourself, take it a step further by charming those objects. Put charms on them to repel ill intentions. Put wards on them to repel negative energy. Protect yourself. I care about your safety and well being.

6. Get some gloves for handling cursed objects

Whether you're cursing the objects yourself or trying to break the curse that's already placed on them, you're going to want some gloves. These can be special gloves you use just for handling cursed objects, or the gloves you use to wash dishes. Either way, be sure to cleanse them with sage smoke or crystals afterwards. You don't want the negative energy being absorbed into your body. And while sometimes you have to touch things to find out if they're cursed, it's still a good idea to put the gloves on afterwards if you continue to work with the object.

7. Be sure the crystal jewelry you wear is water safe

I don't know if this comes from the fact that I live in a rainy state or because I always forget to take my jewelry off before I shower, but water safe crystals in your jewelry is a must. You wash your hands all the time, you don't want to accidentally damage your crystal rings. You could get caught in the rain, or sweat a bunch, or jump in a snowbank, or get splashed by a wave, or forget to take them off before a shower or bath. Make sure the crystals you wear on your body are going to be safe with your lifestyle.

8. Bring your grimoire to the library and have a wonderful adventure

Libraries are so much fun!! No one cares if you just sit there for hours and hours and no one is going to bug you about writing notes. They exist for a reason. Who cares if it's not university that you're studying for, no ones even going to look twice. Grab as many witchcraft books as you want and write down anything you need in your grimoire. Your BOS is essentially made for this. It's so nice and peaceful, enjoy.

9. Tips for drying your own herbs

It's wonderful if you're able to grow your own herbs! Make sure when you're drying them for spell work, you're giving them the best treatment.

Dark areas work best

It must be a dry location or else you risk molding or spoiling the herbs

Hang them upside down with all leaves facing the same direction

Placing them in a breathable or holey paper bag can help catch anything that may fall off due to breakage and help you keep the area clean

Different herbs take different amounts of time to dry. Check on them often to see if they're ready.

10. Before casting a spell or making a potion ask yourself, "Why?"

I've talked a lot before about the importance of clarifying intentions and having a clear head when doing magick. But this time, I'd like to talk about something else that loosely relates to the same topic. I recently saw a potion recipe that was supposed to get rid of scars and my first thought was, "But scars are so cool..." And then I read a little further and saw that it was also supposed to help fade moles and freckles and that really got me thinking. I have two little moles on my neck that look like a vampire bite. I used to hate them because I was taught that moles are ugly, but overtime I learned to actually really like them and genuinely think that they're cute. Looking at that potion recipe, I began to feel empathy for the people who may see that and write it down and begin the process of ridding their skin of these little "imperfections." And if you take anything from this tip, I want it to be this: Before doing anything that will effect your body, ask yourself why you're doing it. Even things you do outside of magical practices. Ask yourself why. And if the answer isn't overwhelmingly positive, then maybe reconsider what sort of spell or potion you really need to do. Do you need to vanish your scars, or do you need to feel better about your body? Maybe there are other things that will be more effective in aiding you. Just something to consider. I care about your wellbeing and I don't want anyone to be mean to you, especially not yourself.

Thanks so much for reading my latest #10tips. As always, please send an ask my way whenever you want to say hi or ask me some questions. I'm here to help! Have a magickal day.

[its8simplejulesblog]

Shock Horror!

I like psychology and sociology and neuroscience. It’s almost like I don’t shut up about it ;) And, when I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about the love languages I ended up researching it a lot and now I make everyone I know take that stupid quiz. You’d almost think I was a marriage/ relationship counselor or something hahahahahhaha shock horror part 2: I’m not. 

Okay so lemme break this down. The five love languages are: 

1.) words of affirmation 

2.) quality time 

3.) receiving gifts 

4.) physical touch 

5.) acts of service

There are a billion and one quizzes out there to determine your ranking, but essentially it determines which of these is prioritized in your life and relationships. for example, I will psychoanalyze myself for you :) 

BUT, before I do that. If they aren’t already self explanatory, let me tell you which each of these mean.

Words of affirmation is a verbal confirmation that someone means something to you. “You look pretty today,” “I appreciate you in my life,” “I love being around you” stuff like that 

Quality time means spending time together. You could be eating mac and cheese for fuck’s sake. You might be sleeping on a couch or singing broadway songs in the car or going to a baseball game etc. etc. This mainly means you value memories over tangible things 

Receiving gifts is the opposite of the previous. You feel appreciated when someone gives you something you can keep forever 

Physical touch...obvious 

Acts of service means that someone does something for you like making a bed or washing the dishes or cooking pancakes in the morning etc. 

OK so now here’s mine (ranked from most important to least important 

1.) Quality time 

2.) Words of Affirmation  

3.) Acts of Service 

4.) Physical Touch 

5.) Receiving Gifts 

Discussion (from bottom to top): I put gifts at the bottom because I truly could not care less if someone bought me something. I always tell this story, but I had a big party for my 18th birthday and I asked everyone to write letters instead of giving me gifts because I feel like the personalization of a note in someone’s own words means a MILLION times more than..idk a bath and body works perfume (love those though) 

Physical touch was 4th because I do love hugs, they mean a lot to me. However, I have been in situations where it just got to be too much. I would find myself flinching away from people or being slightly uncomfortable or batting them away (not in a harassment kind of way) I just think, especially in terms of relationships, you need a balance between proximity. I need to breathe sometimes. 

Acts of Service is something I can confidently say means a lot to me. I find that these are some of my favorite ways to do random acts of kindness for other people. When my mom has a long day I’ll empty the dishwasher for her or something small like that. In the same way, it means the world to be when people offer to take care of me (that sounds bad, but you know what I mean). Again, I have been in situations where I felt like a mom. Giving giving giving. Cleaning up after everyone and offering to drive to see people and offering to take care of this and that. So, when the actions are reciprocated I often don’t know what to do with myself. I really beam at that kind of compassion and it’s something that I associate with people in my head. 

Words of Affirmation should be pretty obvious if you know me at all. I’m frequently sending letters or messages about how much I appreciate people in my life. I think everyone, including myself, needs those constant reminders that we mean something to someone. I’m sure most of you know what it feels like to be worthless and hated and disgusting and alone. It’s crazy because we will often think of ourselves that way, but project our love onto everyone else. For that reason, as I work every day to love myself more and more I know that in the meantime I’m surrounded by people that verbally remind me that I’m worth the same kind of affection. 

Quality time will always be my #1. I’m tired of texting. There is nothing nothing nothing like being with someone you care about. I don’t even mean romantically. All I ever want to do is feel like I’ve made a connection with someone and that’s so hard to do over text. That’s why quarantine can be especially rough for people that value quality time so much. I’m the type where we could truthfully be sitting together staring at a white wall and I’d be having the time of my life just because you were there with me haha :) The type of friendships where you don’t have to be doing anything worthy of instagram, there’s nothing to “show off” you’re just existing together: that’s really freaking beautiful what can I say. And to be technical, you can’t do any of the other things mentioned above if you aren’t physically with someone. Vibes are a real thing people (lmao). Honestly, sometimes mine are ridiculously off, but there’s something about spending time with a person that really makes me feel like I know them, even if we haven’t known each other that long. That is why I’m a critic of time preference when it comes to friendships. I absolutely have known some people longer than others that I’m less connected to than those I’ve known forever. That’s literally why it’s called quality time not,,,length of time?? (I’m trying) 

After reading this, let me know which of these matter to you. It’s important to know within friends or partners or whatever, that way you don’t accidentally offend people. It’s a cute little way of being compassionate. 

[whistlewhileiblogit]

Is Sadie Adler...too capable?

(Okay just wanna say if I have any details wrong please correct me as I am doing this all by memory! Also long post warning)

So, I have seen a lot of complaints regarding Sadie Adler's characterisation. Mainly, a lot of people have made the argument that she is a bad character (some claiming her to be one of the worst written in RDR2), because she is "too badass" "invincible", and essentially...without saying it...a mary-sue of some sort.

A lot of people have complained that Sadie is essentially indestructible as a character, and it is unrealistic that a woman who had never been a gunslinger, could magically become one in such a relatively short time.

Now, in some ways, I can see a point. But allow me to explain my thoughts, and the ways I took Sadie's personality and character through my initial playthrough of the game.

Now it's no secret that I adore Sadie. So you could argue I'm biased, but hear me out.

We meet Sadie early on in the game, where she's lost EVERYTHING. Her home, her possessions...her Jakey. The man she was in love with. Her husband and best friend.

Now we don't know much about Jake, though it is implied he is probably the only man who treated her as an equal (before Arthur, at least). Why do I say this? Because of the way we see Sadie behave when she is with the gang, initially.

She spends the first few chapters simply staying around camp. Most of the time she is either sitting solemnly alone in mourning, or working (and most likely arguing with Pearson). She is pretty much constantly in a bad mood, and makes it known to everyone in camp. But could you blame her? Again, her entire life had been destroyed.

So when Arthur has his first mission with her, he automatically assumes her not wanting to work with Pearson means she's lazy. She quickly shuts him down and explains how she and Jake used to share the work. She was as used to hunting as she was washing dishes. So already we know she should at least be able to use a gun decently. Whoa look at that! Rockstar sowing some seeds!

When they're at Rhodes, we see Sadie do the first thing she has had a choice in doing: she buys herself new clothes. This may sound stuoid, but remember, the dress she had previously wearing wasn't hers. It was most likely leant to her by Mary-Beth or another woman in the camp. Sadie then makes it clear to the shopkeeper she doesn't need help putting her supplies in the back of the wagon.

I've seen people be offended by her behaviour in this scene alone. "she was being a bitch to the shopkeeper for no reason! He's just doing his job!" and- as someone who works in retail- believe me, I get that argument...sorta. I understand it to an extent, but we have to remember; Sadie is living in a time where women were second class citizens. It makes perfect sense that she'd be passive-aggressive automatically. She constantly has to prove herself when everyone assumes she is simply a helpless woman.

Now in this very same mission we learn just how trigger-itchy Sadie is. And she follows down this path practically the entire game. She has bloodlust, specifically for any and all O' Driscolls. And for good reason (I also wanna mention the implication that she mauly have been sexually assaulted by one or more of them but won't get into that).

We see Sadie pour everything she has- literal blood, sweat and tears, into trying to avenge Jake. And a lot of people- ahem- a lot of men have had a big problem with her behaviour. But the thing is, if she had been a male, losing his temper and going on killing sprees over the death of his wife, his character would be praised. There are countless lists of male protaganists in games who have the tragic backstory involving a murdered wife and/or child. How many male protaganists are there that act exactly the same way as Sadie, for the same damn reasons, and aren't criticised for it?

Now I hate making this a sexism debate, I really do. But honestly, most of the criticisms I see of Sadie's characterization are just that; sexist.

Personally, I have to admit I am a sucker for the trope of the hardened character with a heart of gold (Joel from TLoU, Bruce Wayne, Arthur freakin' Morgan, Sadie Adler, etc), despite the connotations it has. I know it is an overused trope to use a protags fambam as the driving force of the plot, but in all honesty? It's done because it is something everyone can relate to. If you had a loved one or child murdered, you're telling me it wouldn't fundamentally break you as a person, even a little? You wouldn't want revenge?

When you think of it this way, of course Sadie's actions make sense! Watching Colm O'Driscoll himself die wasn't enough for her. Hell, even when Arthur and Sadie hunt down the remaining O'Driscolls, even after brutally killing the last big feller- Sadie sits down and has her moment of reflection. And it is clear, that even though it's finally all over- it still isn't for her. It's clear that she believed so strongly (or wanted to believe) that if all the O'Driscolls were gone, she could finally be at peace. And in this moment, she realises just how wrong she was.

Sadie recognises she is too far gone by this point, and even years later when she meets John in the prologue, she reiterates as much. I personally believe she might have been abke to heal even slightly had Arthur not died. I really think that in a way was the straw that broke the camels back. She talks to John about how she spends most of her time alone because she finds it hard just being around other people. She doesn't know how to act anymore. She is self-aware enough to realise she is a "broken" person.

Sadie is an amazingly written, tragic character. I suppose one could argue she was too good of a shot, though I don't see why she couldn't have been considering she knew how to hunt. Not to mention rage and heartbreak does things to a person. I am sure there are probably plenty of fair arguments against her- though the ones I have seen simply have been plain and rooted in sexism.

I just really want people to think about if Sadie had been a male. I can almost guarantee there wouldn't be nearly as much backlash as Sadie has received.

Also, I have read many complaints about her voice and y'all are entitled to your opinion but I think her raspy voice is sexy as fuck sue me.

[athena-athena]

A Sky Full of Stars (Yondu X Reader)

A/N:  I’ve had this written for a couple of weeks, but I was a little nervous about sharing it.  This is my first foray into smut, and I’d like to give a huge thank you to @rooker-character-fics for reading it and giving me the confidence to actually post it.  💙

Tagged list:  @misfitgirlwrites @animeaniseed (Let me know if you’d like to be added to my tagged list!)

Warnings:  It’s pretty fluffy, but there is some smut.  

You’d lived next door to Peter Quill’s grandparents since you were a little girl, you and your parents having moved in a couple of years after Peter disappeared.

After you’d moved out of your parents’ house, you’d moved into one a few houses down, but were still close with his grandparents, visiting them often.  

On one of Peter’s visits, he brought Yondu along with him.  His grandparents were, understandably, still upset about Yondu taking Peter as a little boy, but after Peter explained why he did it, they accepted it and were willing to let Yondu visit.  Perhaps in an effort to make dinner a little less awkward, they invited you over to eat with them.  You were nervous, but mostly excited, since you’d never met anyone who wasn’t from Earth.  

Your first impression was, of course, that Yondu was blue, and you were fascinated.  Your second impression was that he was very attractive, which made you nervous.  You weren’t good in social situations at the best of times, but you were a nervous wreck around Yondu.  You tried your best to cover up the fact that he was doing things to you as you sat at the table listening to everyone else talk.  

“You’re awful quiet tonight, Y/N.  Cat got your tongue?” asked Peter’s grandfather, Gregg.

“Oh, no, I’m just enjoying the meal.”  You smiled, trying – and failing – to keep your cheeks from turning red.  

Thankfully, everyone’s attention was soon caught by Janis, Peter’s grandmother, as she asked if anyone would like dessert.  

You looked around the table, and caught Yondu looking at you, which caused your cheeks to burn even more.  You quickly looked down at your plate, cursing your awkwardness.  You took a sip of water, and, chancing a look back at Yondu, found him still staring at you, but this time he was wearing a slight grin.  

You turned to look at Janis, who was walking back into the dining room carrying a chocolate cake.  As Gregg cut the cake and passed around the slices, you did your best to avoid looking in Yondu’s direction.  You could still feel your face burning, and were unsure why he was looking at you in the first place.  Did you have food on your face?  Oh, crap, that’s it, you thought.  You tried to surreptitiously wipe your mouth with your napkin, and were tempted to ask Peter, who was sitting to your right, if there was, indeed, food on your face, but you didn’t get the chance.  

“How long are y’all going to stick around, Pete?”

“I don’t know.  What do you think, Yondu?”  

Yondu shrugged, and, with a glance at you, replied, “I ain’t in no hurry ta go back.”

“We’ll probably stay a week or so,” added Peter.  

“Good! It’ll be nice to you have you around for a while.  Your grandmother and I miss you when you’re gone.”

With the conversation continuing around you, you tried to eat your chocolate cake without bringing any attention to yourself. Unfortunately, everyone seemed determined to bring you into the conversation.  

“So, Y/N, when is that meteor shower you were talking about?” Janis asked you.

“Oh, it’s tonight, actually.”  

“I was thinking it was next week, for some reason.”

“You going to stay out all night and watch?” asked Gregg.  “You need to be careful staying out there on your own.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” you replied, smiling at his concern.  

“Well, you just holler if you need us, me and Pete will be right out.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, but I’m sure I’ll be perfectly safe.”  

After dinner, you helped Janis clean up.  As you were washing dishes, you heard someone walk in behind you.  Thinking it was Janis, you turned and said, “Dinner was delicious tonight – oh!  I thought you were Mrs. Quill.”  

You felt your face flame, but Yondu didn’t seem to notice your discomfort.  He stood next to you at the sink as he placed a few more dirty dishes on the counter.  

“Nah. Dinner was good, though.”  

“Yeah. It was.”  

“Ya want me ta help ya?”

“Oh, it’s no problem.  I’ve got it.”

“Ya sure?  I can dry ‘em.”

“Oh, okay.  Yeah, that would be good.”

There was silence as he picked up a towel to dry the dishes, and you handed him the one you’d just washed.  Curse your awkwardness!  You had no idea how to start a conversation with him, and standing in silence next to him was killing you.

“So, um, is this your first time on Earth?  I mean, um, besides the time you, um...”

“Kidnapped Peter?”

“Uh, yeah.”  Probably not the best topic, but it was too late now.

“I been here a few times.”

“Oh, okay.”

Mentally berating yourself for your lack of social skills, you handed him a glass to dry.

“Ya ain’t gotta be scared a me, ya know.”

“Oh, I’m not scared of you!  I’m just… not good at talking to people I don’t know.”

“Huh. Well, maybe we should get ta know each other better, then.”

You almost dropped the plate you were washing as you turned to look at him.  You were saved from having to respond by Janis walking into the kitchen.  

“Oh, y’all didn’t need to wash those!  I was going to get them.”

“It’s no problem, Janis.”

“We don’t mind at all, do we, Y/N?”

Hearing him say your name almost had you melting through the floor, but you managed a response.  “Not at all.”

“Well, that’s awful sweet of y’all.  Come on into the living room when you’re done.”

“We will,” you replied, as she walked back out.  

There was silence again as you continued washing the plate you were holding.  

“Think that plate’s probably clean enough by now.”

“Oh. Yeah, probably.”  Blushing, you handed it to him, and picked up another glass to wash.  You briefly closed your eyes, trying to give yourself a quick mental pep talk.  He probably already thought you were an idiot, and you hated that you couldn’t just have a normal conversation with a stranger, for once in your life.  

“So, ya live close by?”

“Yeah, just a couple of houses down.”

He nodded, and took the glass from you.  

“Thanks for helping me dry these.”

“Yer welcome.  I ain’t usually big on doin’ dishes, but I like tha company.”

You laughed nervously.  “I haven’t exactly been a great conversationalist.”

He laughed, too, and replied, “Nah, it’s fine.  I like bein’ ‘round ya.  Terrans don’t usually like me bein’ around.  Me an’ my crew make ‘em nervous, they think we’re gonna abduct ‘em or somethin’.”

“Well, you don’t really have a great track record with that, so they might have reason to be nervous about it.”

He laughed again, louder this time.  “Yeah, yer right.”

You smiled, and felt yourself relaxing a little.  

You finished washing the last few dishes, and for the first time in your life, wished there were more of them to wash.  As he dried the last fork, he said, “Never thought I’d enjoy washin’ dishes so much.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

He grinned at you, as Peter walked in.  “What’s taking so long in here?”

“Nothing, we’re finished now.”  

“It’s about time.”

You followed him to the living room, Yondu trailing behind the two of you.  When you walked into the room, Janis motioned you over, as Peter took the second empty recliner, his grandfather having already claimed the other.  “Come on, Y/N! Wheel of Fortune is about to start!”

You smiled, thinking fondly of all the times you’d watched Wheel of Fortune with them.  You sat next to her on the couch, then realized that the only other open seat was the one next to you on the couch.  You looked to see Yondu sit next to you, then turned your attention to the TV.  You’d never fully appreciated just how small their couch was until you found Yondu sitting so close to you.  

You took a deep breath and tried to focus on what Janis was saying to you.

“ - we didn’t think they were ever going to solve one of those puzzles last night.  Gregg had it figured out right away, but they just had to keep on guessing letters.  I keep telling him he should go on there.  He’d win, for sure.”

“I don’t know, Janis, you know I wouldn’t want to be on TV.”

“Well, you should still try it.”

You smiled to yourself, their conversation reminding you of so many evenings spent here as a child.  Of course, none of those evenings had you sitting side by side with a Centaurian.  

“So ya jus’ hafta guess letters ‘til ya figure out what it’s s’posed ta say?”

“Yeah. You might as well not even bother, though, Yondu,” Peter joked.

“I can read, boy.”

As they bantered back and forth, you couldn’t help smiling.  You’d never really thought about the relationship between Peter and the man who, essentially, kidnapped him, but you realized it was definitely more of a father / son relationship than you would have imagined.  

After Wheel of Fortune ended, Gregg suggested watching a movie he’d wanted to see.

“I picked up the DVD yesterday, and thought I’d save it for tonight.”

As he put the DVD into the player, Yondu spoke up.  “Ain’t never watched a movie before.  Peter was always talkin’ ‘bout ‘em, though.  I might as well’ve seen some of ‘em, as many times as I had ta listen ta his yammerin’.”

“Hey, I didn’t yammer. Anyway, Footloose is a classic.  I can’t help it that you couldn’t appreciate good art.”

You snickered, and Yondu gave you a grin.  You held his gaze for a moment, before Peter interrupted.

“Y/N, tell Yondu that Footloose is a classic.”

“If you say so.”

Yondu laughed.  “She ain’t gonna lie fer ya, boy.”

“Listen, I think we should watch Footloose tonight to prove -”

“Shhh, Peter, the movie is starting,” whispered Janis.

Biting your lip to keep from laughing, you glanced at Yondu, who winked at you.  Peter sighed, then got up to turn the light off, before returning to his recliner, sitting down with a huff.

You found it hard to concentrate on the movie.  Your attention was more focused on Yondu’s leg pressed against yours, and his hand that was resting so close to your own.  You wanted, so badly, to reach out and hold it, but knew that was a bad idea, for numerous reasons.  

When the movie ended, Janis turned the lights back on, and everyone blinked in the sudden brightness.  

“Well, I enjoyed that!  What did y’all think?”

Everyone agreed that it was a good movie, but you hoped she didn’t ask you about anything specific, because you had absolutely no idea what the movie was about.

Looking at the clock, you realized how late it was, and suddenly remembered the meteor shower.  

“I’d probably better head home now.  It’s getting late.”

“And you’ve got your meteor shower tonight!  You don’t want to miss that,” said Janis, as you stood to give her a hug.  

“Pete, you go on and walk Y/N home,” added Gregg.

“Oh, it’s fine.  It’ll only take a couple of minutes to get home. I’ll be okay.”

Yondu stood up then, and replied, “I’ll walk ya home, if ya want. I’s gonna take a walk around anyway.”

Gregg looked like he was about to say something about that, but you answered before he could.

“Okay, if you’re sure you were going for a walk anyway.”

He grinned at you, and replied, “Yep.  Gotta stretch my legs.”

“Okay.” You smiled, then suddenly realized that everyone else in the room was watching the two of you.

Feeling your face burning again, you turned back to Janis.  “Thank you for a wonderful evening.  Dinner was delicious.”  

You gave her another hug, and she replied, “Thank you, Y/N.”

You hugged Gregg, who whispered so that no one else could hear, “You sure you’re okay with him walking you home?”

You smiled at his concern, but replied, “Yes, it’ll be fine.”

He still didn’t look convinced, but only said, “All right, then, if you’re sure.  Enjoy your meteor shower.”

“I will.”

You heard Yondu talking to Janis, but couldn’t hear what he was saying because suddenly Peter was standing in front of you.  

“I can’t believe you wouldn’t back me up about Footloose.”

You laughed, and replied, “You have got to watch some more movies, Peter.”

Yondu joined the two of you, and said, “Ya ready ta go, Y/N?”

“Yeah, I am.  Bye, Peter.”

“Bye, Y/N.  See ya later, Yondu.”

Yondu nodded at Peter, then opened the door for you, closing it behind himself as you waited for him at the bottom of the porch steps.  

He fell into step beside you as you headed in the direction of your house.

“How did you like the movie?”

“It was perty good.  Had trouble payin’ attention to it, though.”

“Oh?”

“Couldn’t really tell ya what it was s’posed ta be about.”

“Why not?”

“I’s too distracted.”

“Distracted by what?”

“Sittin’ so close to ya had me thinkin’ ‘bout things other’n tha movie.”

You turned to look at him, and the look he gave you in return almost made your legs go out.  Thankfully, you’d reached your house.  

“Thanks for walking me home.  You really didn’t have to do that.”

“Was my pleasure.”

He looked up at the sky as you fidgeted with your keys.

“Ya mind if I join ya while ya watch tha meteor shower?  Ain’t never seen one from down here.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mind.”  

He looked at you, and asked, “Ya sure?”

“Yeah, I’d love the company, actually.”

He grinned, and you smiled shyly, as you turned to unlock the door.  You picked up the blanket you’d already set aside, then led him to the backyard.  

You spread the blanket on the ground, then the two of you sat down. Sitting with him in the dark, under the stars, was much more intimate than sitting next to him at the Quills’, and you were suddenly unsure of what to say.  You could feel butterflies start to flutter around your stomach as he scooted closer to you.

Finally, Yondu broke the silence.  

“This is nice.”

“Yeah, it is.”  

“Kinda strange, seein’ tha stars from down here.”

You turned to look at his profile as he watched the sky.  

“What’s it like?  In space?”

He turned to meet your gaze. “Hard ta describe.”  He shrugged, and you were afraid you were being brushed off.  Embarrassed, you looked down at your hands before lifting your head to look back at the stars, but he continued, “I ain’t too good at describin’ things.”

You looked back at him as he continued to talk.

“It’s bigger’n ya’d think.  Y’all are perty much stuck here on Terra, but up there, ya can go almost anywhere ya want.  Might take a little time ta reach tha far off planets, but it ain’t too bad.”

“That sounds incredible.  What’s it like being so close to the stars?”

“Never really thought about it ‘til now.  Always jus’ took it fer granted, I guess.  But it’s beautiful.”

“I bet it is.”

You suddenly realize that you’d been staring at each other for a few seconds without talking.  He grinned at you, and you smiled shyly, tucking your hair behind your ear, as you turned back to the stars. Yondu stared at you for a few more seconds before he also returned his gaze to the sky.  

“Ya should see it some day.”

“Oh, I’d love to!”

“Maybe I can take ya,” he said, without taking his eyes from the sky.

You were taken off guard, and turned again to look at his profile.  “I’d like that.”  You could see him smile at your words as he continued watching the sky, and you couldn’t help smiling to yourself.

A few more moments of silence passed, then, “Ya gotta boyfriend?”

“No. No, I’m not seeing anyone.”  The butterflies in your stomach took up a faster flight at his words.  “Why?”

“Jus’ makin’ sure.  Figured if ya had one, he wouldn’t wanna find ya out here lookin’ at tha stars with another man.”

You weren’t sure why he brought it up, but you didn’t want to push it, in case he really was just trying not to overstep his bounds.

You bit the inside of your lip, and turned to look skyward again.  You knew he would never be interested in you.  You were just a boring girl from Earth, and he was a space pirate who traveled the galaxy. You sighed softly, and tried to ignore how sad that made you feel.

Silence fell again, until you shivered slightly in the chill.

“Ya cold?”

“A little.  I’m okay, though.”

He’d already started taking off his duster when you said “a little,” and by the time you’d finished your sentence, he was placing it around your shoulders.

“Ain’t got sleeves, so it might not even help that much.”

You could still feel his body heat from the duster, and between that and his warm body sitting so close to you, you were afraid you were going to get too warm.

“No, it’s perfect.  Thank you.”

Scooting closer to you, he held out his arm.

“If yer still cold, I don’t mind if ya wanna sit a lil’ closer ta me.”

You hesitated for only a second, before sliding closer and letting him wrap his arm around you.

The meteor shower started to pick up in earnest the longer the two of you watched.  

“Might be easier ta watch if we’re lyin’ back.  Won’t be so hard on our necks.”

“You’re probably right.  I’ll go inside and get some pillows.  Be right back.”

“I’ll be right here waitin’ on ya.”

You managed to calmly walk inside the house, then practically skipped down the hall to retrieve pillows from your bed.  Feeling absolutely giddy, you tried to get yourself under control.  Grabbing another blanket to cover the two of you, you decided to quickly make some hot chocolate.  You carried the pillows and blanket out, and told him, “I’ve just gotta get one more thing.”

You returned with two mugs of hot chocolate to find that he’d already arranged the pillows, very closely together.  You handed him a mug, then sat next to him.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“It’s hot chocolate.  Thought it might help keep us warm.”

He took a sip, then sighed.  “That’s good.”

“I’m glad you like it,” you replied, smiling at him.

You settled in beside him as you sipped your hot chocolate.  When you both finished, you set the mugs aside.  You felt strange being the one to bring up the lying-down thing again, so you didn’t say anything.  You didn’t know how to phrase it without it just sounding weird, and you were starting to overthink the whole thing when you realized Yondu had reclined back against his pillow.  

“Ya gonna join me?”

You turned to see his arm draped behind your pillow, and the butterflies started doing a manic dance in your stomach.  Lying beside him, you covered both of you with the second blanket as he pulled you closer.

“This okay?”  He sounded suddenly unsure of himself, and you smiled encouragingly at him.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”  

“Good.”

You both looked up at the sky, where the meteor shower had started to pick up even more.

“Watching the stars has always been one of my favorite things.”

“That right?”

“Yeah. What about you?  What’s one of your favorite things?”

“Well, now I hafta say hot chocolate’s one a my favorite things.” You heard the grin in his voice, and smiled.

“I’ll have to give you the recipe so you can make it when you’re gone.”

“Or you can jus’ go with me an’ tell me how ta do it yerself.”

Thinking he was joking, you laughed, but he only said, “I’m bein’ serious.”

“What?” you asked, leaning up to look at his face.  It was hard to make out his expression, but he did look serious.

“Ya said ya wanted ta see tha stars up close one day.  I’ll take ya with me when I go.  If ya wanna go, that is.”

Completely taken by surprise, you could only stare at him.  You weren’t sure if you should go – there were a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t - but then you finally realized there was nothing you’d rather do more.  

“Yeah, I do.”

“Ya mean it?”

“Yeah,” you laughed again.  “I’d love that.”

He smiled at you, and you snuggled closer to him, getting comfortable in the crook of his arm.

The two of you watched the shower for a while longer, talking about anything and everything.  You were surprised that it was so easy to talk to him now.  You were usually so anxious around other people unless you’d known them for a while, but something about Yondu made you want to let down your defenses and just relax.  He seemed completely relaxed with you, too.

You didn’t know how it happened, but you realized that your hand was resting on his chest.  He moved his free hand to cover yours, and you could hardly believe that you were lying beside him, holding hands, as you watched the stars.

You could also hardly believe the next few words that came out of your mouth.

“Are you staying with the Quills?”

“Nah, I’m stayin’ on tha ship.  Didn’t wanna intrude.”

“Where’s your ship?”

“Couple miles back that way.”  He nodded his head in the general direction.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?”

You could feel your face start to flame as he turned his head to look at you.

“Ya want me ta stay with ya?”

“I mean, only if you want to, so you don’t have to walk all the way back to your ship, you know.  It’s late, and it’s so far, not to mention it’s cold...”  

You were rambling out of nervousness, and he grinned lazily at you before he replied. “Yeah, stayin’ here with ya sounds nice.”  His gaze turned serious for a moment as he searched your face.  “But only if yer sure.”

Breathless, and unable to believe your nerve, you replied, “I’m sure.” This wasn’t like you at all, but you were sure.

His grin returned, and you were quite sure you’d never been so happy.

“Maybe we can have more a that hot chocolate.”

Laughing, you replied, “We can definitely have more.”

Suddenly, the sky overhead was full of shooting stars as the shower peaked.

You gasped, and whispered, “It’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah, it is.  But it ain’t tha only thing out here that’s beautiful.”

You turned your head to look at him, and found him staring intently at you, a small smile playing on his lips.

You felt the butterflies in your stomach take flight again, as though they were now trying to escape.

He leaned up onto his elbow, and lowered his face to yours, hovering above your lips as though waiting for permission.  You nodded almost imperceptibly, then met his lips halfway as the stars continued to blaze overhead.

As the kiss deepened, he caressed your face gently, and the butterflies in your stomach were replaced by fireworks.  His hand moved lower, finding its way underneath your sweater, and you just knew you were going to melt through the ground at any moment.

Suddenly the moment was broken by a voice coming from around the side of the house.  “Y/N, you out here?”  Peter came into view, then suddenly stopped walking.  “What the heck?  What’s going on?”

You were mortified, but Yondu nonchalantly gave you a last lingering kiss next to your lips before he looked up at Peter, and replied, “What’s it look like, boy?  Ain’t nobody ever told ya it ain’t polite ta walk up on somebody?”

“I didn’t know I was going to walk into… this!  How did this even happen?”

“Well, son, when a man an’ a woman…”

“Shut up, Yondu.  How did the two of you… I mean, why?” He looked helplessly at you as you sat up, Yondu’s arm still slung over your shoulder.  “Y/N…”

You shrugged, face aflame, but you couldn’t keep the smile off your face.

“Okay, I’m just going to leave now.  I don’t want to talk about this ever again.”

“Bye, son!”

“Bye, Peter.”

He just shook his head and walked back toward his grandparents’ house.

“Think he got more’n he bargained fer when he walked ‘round tha corner a tha house.”

You laughed, until he ran his hand down your thigh.

“It’s gettin’ kinda chilly out here.  Ya wanna go on inside an’ pick up where we left off?”

You bit your lip and nodded, and he growled softly, which sent a thrill through you.  Standing, he pulled you up with him, then lifted you into his arms.  Surprised, you laughed again, and he grinned at you as he started carrying you to the house.

“What about the stuff?  The pillows and blankets?”

“Ya got more blankets an’ pillows on your bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Then we don’t need ‘em right now.  We’ll get ‘em in tha mornin’.”

After some maneuvering, he finally managed to get you both in the house without dropping you, and you directed him to the bedroom.  Giving you a wicked grin, he dropped you on the bed, then started pulling off his boots.

You kicked off your shoes, grinning at him, then reached up and grabbed the lapels of his vest, pulling him down on top of you.  He rested his weight on his forearms, kissing you as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He stopped kissing you long enough to say, “I like seein’ ya wearin’ my duster, but I’m gonna like seein’ ya even more without it… or tha rest a yer clothes.”

You blushed at the look he gave you, as he removed the duster and dropped it to the floor.

You tried to take his vest off, but fumbled with the numerous buckles. He chuckled as he watched you struggle.

Giving up, you asked, “Why do you have so many buckles? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it looks incredibly sexy, but is it really necessary?”

“They got their uses,” he grinned, easily taking it off.

You ran your hands lightly over the scars on his chest, and he lowered himself again to continue kissing you.  You allowed your hands to roam over his back, feeling yet more scars.  You’d have to ask him about them later, but now was definitely not the time.  You doubted you could even form coherent sentences anyway, now that he was trailing kisses down your neck.

He pulled your sweater over your head, and then continued kissing you on every inch of available bare skin.

You were both soon divested of your pants, and you shivered with anticipation as one of his hands trailed languidly up and down your side, his lips still caressing your skin, his other hand toying with the strap of your bra.  He soon had it off, and he tossed it to the floor to join the rest of your clothes.  You started to tug on his underwear, and he lifted himself to allow you to remove them.  He did the same to you, and you reveled in the feeling of being so close to him, skin against skin, with no inhibitions.

He continued his leisurely exploration of your body, and you arched your back as he kissed a particularly sensitive area.

Breathing heavier, you ran your hands along his back, kissing the top of his head, near his fin.  He moaned against your skin, and you felt as though you were coming undone.  His lips made their way back to yours, and you returned his kiss feverishly.

His hand moved below your waist and you moaned against his lips, causing his hand to move even more insistently.

“Ya sure ya want this?” he whispered, his lips never leaving yours.

“Yes. Please, Yondu.”

He growled again, sending a shiver down your spine, as he gently entered you, allowing you time to adjust to the feel of him.

After a moment, he began to move inside you slowly, and you were lost in the pure ecstasy of being with him.

As his thrusts became faster, you whispered his name against his lips, and felt his movements become more erratic in turn.  You felt your release build until suddenly you were lost in it, and as you arched your back and cried out, you felt him pulsing within you.

As you both came down from your highs, he rested his head on your chest as you tried to catch your breath.  You kissed his head again, and he raised up to look at you.  You smiled at him, and he kissed your lips softly.

Rolling to his back, he pulled you to him, as the two of you silently enjoyed the afterglow.  

After a few minutes, you broke the silence. “Yondu?”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“I’m definitely going with you when you leave.”

He chuckled softly, and replied, “Good, ‘cause I wasn’t gonna leave without ya.”

[tricksters-captain]

FP Jones/Andrew’s Family/Riverdale imagines - Oh Dear Part 30

A/N: My last update was the 19th of May. That was 4/5 months ago. I am so sorry I’ve been gone that long. I haven’t started season 3 of Riverdale yet so don’t ask me about it. I’m writing for season 2 and then I’ll decide what happens to my character from there. 

There wasn’t much I could do with a musical chapter so here is what is going on outside the world of Carrie the musical. 

MASTERLIST LINK (HERE)

Overall Summary: You’re Archie’s older sister and you have a thing for a certain Serpent.

This chapter: Based on season 2 episode 18 - You have to deal with your father knowing you’re a serpent. Meanwhile, things feel off with Fp as Alice visits him more. 

Pairing: Reader x FP Jones, Sister!Reader x Archie Andrews, Daughter!Reader x Fred Andrews

Word count: 2,160

Warnings: None really. Some strong language.

Previously: Fred, on the other side of town, was upset that neither you nor Archie showed but it still had to continue. Mary was there and that’s what mattered. 

“My name is Fred Andrews. And I stand before you today, a humble resident of this town - to announce my candidacy for Mayor.” 

There was a loud cheer from the audience but it was ruined by a certain mystery member. 

“Tell us, Mr. Andrews, what does it feel to have you only daughter a member of the Serpents?!” 

“What?” Fred furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.” Fred told the crowd. 

Surely, it couldn’t be true. 

But when Fred got home, he walked past your car to see a black item of clothing hanging out from under your seat. 

You had forgotten to tuck it under the seat properly so it was on show to anyone who walked past. 

Fred unlocked your car, took out the item and it was your Serpent jacket. 

He sighed, closing his eyes as he felt a mixture of anger and disappoint stir inside him. 

“Care to explain?” He asked as he entered your room without even a single knock.  

Your eyes met the jacket and you felt your heart drop. 

You were sat in your room when you received a text from Archie. 

Archie: Dad knows

You felt a mixture of nausea, confusion and anger as you tried to figure out what that meant. You automatically assumed the worst; that he knew about you and Fp.

You texted Archie for an explanation and he told you that one of his bulldog friend’s had texted him asking about you being a Serpent as some guy called it out when your dad was announcing his candidacy for mayor.  

You immediately dialled Hiram’s number. 

“You ratted me out?!” You growled before Hiram could even finish saying hello. “After I did what you asked?!” 

“Your father is no longer on my side, why would I want to protect his public image?” Hiram simply responded. 

“How––?!” You went to respond but Hiram had hung up the phone. 

“Asshole!” You threw your phone against your bed and placed your hands on your head. 

That’s when your dad entered your room without a single knock. 

“Care to explain?” Your dad held your Serpent jacket in his hand and you felt your heart drop. Well, if he didn’t believe it before, he certainly did now. 

“I––” You tried to speak but Fred didn’t let you. 

“The Serpents?! The Serpents?!” Fred grew red with anger. “How could you have joined a gang, (Y/n)?!” He threw your jacket down on your bed and you just tried to stand your ground. 

“You don’t understand...” It was difficult trying to find the words and your father’s anger certainly wasn’t helping. 

“No, (y/n), I don’t understand!” Fred scoffed. “I also don’t understand how Fp could let you do this!”

“Leave Fp out of this...” You tried to say but Fred wasn’t having any of it. 

“Leave him out of this? (Y/n), Fp is the leader of the Serpents! I can’t believe he would let my daughter join the Serpents––” 

“––It was my choice! The Serpents, they support me and protect me. I joined because I wanted to. You know I’ve been trying to hide the fact that I’m not this perfect daughter who goes to college and gets perfect grades and works all the time. The Serpent’s let me be who I want to be. They don't push me to do things I don’t want to do.” 

“You have no idea what you want! You’re still in High School!” Fred objected. 

You stared at the man in disbelief and bit down on your lower lip to bite back any further retaliation. 

“It’s late. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Fred said after the door opening downstairs signalling Archie’s return cut the silence. 

“Yeah right.” You stormed past your father, snatching the jacket out of his hand and leaving the house. 

You drove your car straight to the trailer park and straight to Fp. 

Your fist ratted against his door and he opened it with a confused look on his face. 

You looked up at the man with tears threatening to spill from your eyes and shrugged. 

He sighed, pulling you close to his chest as you broke down in his arms. 

He didn’t need an explanation right then. He let you crash in his bed and him on the couch as Jughead was in. You wore one of his shirts which had some comfort but it wasn’t as nice as the real hug, nevertheless, it helped you sleep. 

“About the election, do you really think Fred has a shot?” Hermione asked as she and Hiram sat at the breakfast table. 

“In our favor, he's essentially running on a platform of family values with none of his family by his side. I mean, Mary's gone, thank God. His only daughter has turned Serpent. And well, Archie and Fred, they've never been so distant, have they? We just need to keep it that way.” Hiram had an evil glint in his eye. The images of (Y/n) and Fp ran through his head for a moment. In the end, he always had those. 

In the morning, you returned home. You knew that no one would be in as Archie would be at school busied by the musical and Fred should have been at work. 

You bundled up a bag of all the things you felt you needed, clothes, wash things, a picture or two and then left your house with no intent of returning. You hated leaving like that but you knew you couldn’t stay under the same roof as Fred because as long as you were there he could still control you. 

Fred should have been at work whilst you were busy packing up your life however, he was at Pop’s. 

“Fp, we need to talk.” Fred proclaimed as he strutted into the diner. 

“I’m working, Fred. Can we do this later?” Fp asked as he threw a dish towel over his shoulder to pick up some plates. 

“No, Fp. Now.” Fred demanded, causing a slight scene which had Pop frowning at the two men. 

“Fine. Outside. Two minutes.” Fp grumbled as his eyes darted towards his boss who was watching him. 

Fp placed his dishes into the kitchen and left via the backdoor which Fred was waiting, pacing, impatiently. 

“Fred, what’s going on?” Fp asked, holding his arms out as if he had no idea. 

“You let my daughter join the Serpents!” Fred didn’t hold back. “How could you do that?” 

“Do what? (Y/n) joined on her own accord.” Fp argued, defending him and the Serpents. 

“Aren’t you some kind of leader now? You should have said no. You should have come to me and told me.” Fred exclaimed, furious that Fp clearly didn’t see a problem like he did. 

“She’s 19, Fred. She’s an adult, she can do what she wants!” Fp scoffed. 

“She’s in high school! She’s still my child and I still get some say in what she does with her life! She’s meant to be going to college, not joining a gang!” Fred snapped. Fp had pushed it too far by saying you were an adult. It was just like the conversation you had last night. 

“Well, Fred, maybe you should talk to her and see what she wants for once! Maybe then you’d know she doesn’t even want to go to college!” Fp barked back which riled Fred up even further. Fred grabbed Fp by his uniform and slammed him against the wall behind him. 

“This is my daughter! My daughter!” Fred growled. 

“Let’s settle it down, fellas.” Pop suddenly emerged by the door just in time to calm the two. “Don't wanna do something you’ll both regret.”

“This is you. You did this.” Fred was referring to the fight and the hate he now felt for the man for letting this happen. Fp ran his hands over his face and had to stop himself from punching the wall. 

“Back to work.” Pops encouraged him inside. 

You didn’t see Fp again until much later in the day. Jughead was in his room. He had tried talking to you about your dad but you weren’t having any of it from him. He’d only persuade you to go back because of Archie or something similar.

It was late when Fp got in and he didn’t seem quite right. He avoided eye contact with you when you greeted him from the arm chair and he went straight to the kitchen and opened up a root beer. 

“What’s wrong?” You questioned as you leant on the counter that separated you both. 

Fp sighed, waiting a minute before answering. 

“Your dad came to see me at work today.” Fp took a swing of his drink. “We haven’t argued like that since High School.” He admitted, walking out of the kitchen to sit down. 

“Well, what did you say?” You asked, sitting back down opposite him. 

“Nothing. I said it was your choice to join the Serpents and that you were old enough to choose your own path and––” 

“––And that clearly didn’t go down well?” You assumed. Fp remained silent. “I’m so sorry about all of this.” You whispered, bringing your knees to your chest. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Fp rose to his feet and placed his hand behind your head, bending down to kiss the top of your head. You closed your eyes as you felt his lips against your hair. 

You could sense that wasn’t all that was bothering him as he made his way to his room to change from his uniform but you left it alone for the night. 

You tried to push that feeling to the back of your head as you busied yourself with extra work from Pop’s and helping out with the musical. You said you could help with costume and make up however you never really stayed for long once Kevin had critiqued your chosen make up and costume for each character. 

As the next few days went by, opening night rolled around pretty quickly. 

You smiled and shook your head as everyone pranced and sang around, warming up for the show. You hadn’t really been involved in a school commitment since you quit cheerleading and you had to admit you missed the atmosphere of a group of people coming together like this. 

You hadn't really spoken to Fp to see whether he was coming to the show or not but you assumed he might since you and Jughead were somewhat involved. 

You left the cast to continue getting ready once you had done your part and you found yourself a seat in the audience. 

You kept your eyes on the door to see who was coming to watch and most importantly to try and avoid your father. You were still furious at him for blaming Fp. 

You made a statement of wearing your serpent jacket that evening as everyone in town was buzzing about the news. That was made very evident whenever you worked in Pop’s due to the stares and murmurs around you at all times. 

You peered down at your programme for a moment and almost rolled your eyes at the shameless promotion on the back for Hermione for mayor. Currently you weren’t sure who would be better as mayor; the devil’s wife or your father. 

You glanced back toward the doors just in time to see Fp enter and you almost jumped in your seat to call him over but suddenly remembered your place. You couldn’t act like that with so many people around. With Hermione and Hiram. 

You wanted to catch his eyes but his attention was elsewhere. You followed his gaze to Alice and Hal. And then he left. 

You felt your heart drop. 

You clenched your jaw and lowered your eyes to the programme once again. 

‘I see now’ You thought, feeling your heart ache slightly. 

“Hey, everything okay?” Kevin asked you as he, Jughead and Cheryl sat beside you. 

“Yeah.” You lied through your teeth as you flashed a smile. 

Then the curtains rose. 

You couldn’t help but feel the green monster of jealously bubble inside your stomach as Alice entered the stage and started performing. It almost made you feel nauseous. 

But what did you expect? You were just a girl. You were just (Y/n) Andrews.

Suddenly, the set changed and before your eyes was Midge nailed to the wall. 

‘I am back from the dead, all those who escaped me before will die... - B.H’ 

You felt your skin go cold and your lungs stop for a second. 

All those who escaped...

It took a shrieking scream to snap you from the shock and then all you could think about was getting Archie and getting the hell out of there. 

PART 31

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[baadbaadblacksheep]

Bihhhh Gabe - kitchen. Genji - bathroom Jack - attic Jesse - bedroom. You don’t have to do them alllll

Bih you know I’m gonna. 

These are my personal HCs for LtR, read below the cut:

Gabe - Kitchen:

What is the character’s favourite food?

Gabe’s eaten a wide variety of foods, but nothing will ever beat his abuela’s cooking. Her carne asada is just the best. It just is. And don’t get him started about her tamales.

Are they good at cooking? How good/bad?

Gabe is the best cook in the household. He’s no 5 star chef, but he knows what spices are and how to use them, unlike Jack, who uses none, and Genji, whose version of cooking is to dump everything he can find in a pan and then forget he was attempting to cook until the fire alarm reminds him.

Do they leave the dishes out?

Seeing dishes left on the counter, on the stove, or even in the sink makes Gabe flinch like his abuela’s smacked his knuckles with a wooden spoon when he was younger for such offenses. He physically can not stand to leave dishes out.

What kind of food is in their refridgerator?

Wiith high-calorie intaking veterans and a bottomless pit named Jesse in the house, they have to keep stocked. There is always a ridiculous amount of eggs and bacon in the fridge, peppers and onions galore, apple juice for Genji and sports drinks for the guys, beer Jesse thought he could hide, meats and vegetables Gabe plans on using that week for a meal or three, sandwich fixings that only Jesse and Jack really seem to use. That’s just the fridge. The pantry is ridiculous.

Do they cook, eat out or get take-away/delivered food more?

As much as Gabe likes to cook, he doesn’t cook incredibly often. Maybe twice a week if work isn’t too heavy on him. Gabe tends to order or pick up food on his way home for everyone. Gabe is more inclined to cook if someone asks him to make something specific that week. Gabe will especially help cook when they visit his abuela, and is an unstoppable force in the kitchen for holidays.

———————-

Genji - Bathroom:

How does the character prepare in the morning?

Genji is early to rise most of the time, not able to sleep once the warm body next to him is gone (he indulges more in sleeping in once Jesse is one of those warm bodies). Which is good, considering he’ll take his time getting ready for the day. Full face wash, careful makeup application, hair perfectly gelled or moussed. He’ll take forever getting dressed, wanting Jack’s (or whoever he can trap) opinion on what panties he should wear, which day collar to show off, which of his ridiculous collection of plugs to wear. He’ll catch up on beauty and fashion people he follows on social media the whole time he’s getting ready.

Do they sing in the shower?

By himself, no. Genji showering by himself will usually just be him staring at the wall for 35 minutes. Genji does not like to shower alone. When he gets to shower with Jesse, they’ll listen to music and sing along as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. Attempted dance moves have resulted in some chain-reaction slipping and falling and therefore are not repeated.

What kind of hair product/make-up do they use?

Genji’s hair stylist, Amelie, gives him his hair products. They’re all French and he has no idea what’s in them, but she would kill him if he used anything else. Makeup, Genji has it all, as far as brands go. Especially anything that’s getting rave reviews online or is a new trend. Jack makes him clean out his makeup boxes and drawers every few months due to it accumulating at a ridiculous rate.

How clean is this character?

Genji is ridiculous. He hates sweat on him for too long. Outdoor activities are usually avoided, as there’s dirt out there. Genji will indulge in a spa day usually twice a month to scrub him down and wax everything, as well as get an immaculate mani/pedi experience. The boy’s nails are always pristine and clean. And I was just talking to Trash about enemas for a reason… He’s clean inside and out.

Does the character have thousands of shampoo/shower gel bottles by the shower, or do they use only the bare essentials?

Genji has a stupid plethora of body washes, perfumes, soaps, oils, and bath bombs. He loves to smell good. But Amelie would crash through a window and destroy him the second he bought any hair product she didn’t recommend. At least that’s what he think she’d do, anyway. Better not to risk it.

——————–

Jack - Attic:

What is the character afraid of?

Jack is a war veteran, plagued by nightmares consisting of memories twisted into things of horror. He’s seen and done things he’d rather not repeat, ever, not in action or word. Despite being in the BDSM community, Jack is afraid he will hurt someone, truly hurt them. He doesn’t trust himself to deliver pain for pleasure when it gets to a certain point. And he will not choke someone.

How do they deal with bad memories?

Usually their memories crop up in the form of nightmares, though explosions and gunfire will occasionally bring forward some flashbacks. Gabe grounds him, and he does the same for Gabe, bringing each other back to the present. When Genji came into his life, Genji would be there for the nightmares and the flashbacks, and learned quickly how to ease him back down. Jack has some bad memories regarding his family and hometown, but he’ll just harden his expression and press past it if they ever come up.

What is this character’s role in a horror movie?

Jack would call the police on a spooky house. He doesn’t play that shit lol. In the midst of actual danger, though, Jack would be the one to gather everyone together and come up with the plan to get out of the situation alive.

How do they hide their secrets?

Jack is pretty open at this point in his life. If someone doesn’t know something about him, it’s probably just because they haven’t asked about it. As a younger man, Jack struggled with learning himself so much he developed many secrets, mostly about how he really felt about things versus how people expected him to feel. He used bullheaded pride and anger to cover himself when he was feeling like he would be exposed, but in the end he merely came clean and freed himself from secrets.

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins does the character relate to most?

Pride. Jack may be open about himself but he likes to maintain an image, which, when challenged, makes that old prideful attitude rear its head again. Gabe has known him for so long that he’ll pick at Jack’s prideful side and humble him at times.

——————

Jesse - Bedroom:

How does this character sleep? (Position, sleeping habits, bedtime routines)

Jesse just falls asleep when he feels like it. Not much prep to it. He’ll get jostled by Gabe to wake up and go brush his teeth when he falls asleep without doing it first. Jesse usually lays on his back or stomach, ending up in weird positions and places in bed half the time, but if someone wants to spoon or have him snuggle up to them, he’ll lay on his side… though he usually ends up squirming away. He runs hot at night and gets sweaty up against another body.

What are their pyjamas like?

Flannel pajama pants and an old, soft, too-large-on-him shirt of Gabe’s in cooler months, just silly boxers that Genji (and sometimes Gabe) get him when it’s warmer.

What do they dream about usually?

Santa Fe, his Mama, and Gabe.

How neat/tidy is this character?

Jesse doesn’t try to be messy, but he ends up thinking he’ll come back to something or someplace, only to get distracted and leave his mess behind for someone else to find. He’ll help clean up the kitchen after Gabe cooks, and he keeps his personal bedroom tidy. He won’t fret over organization, however, and his clothes are never folded right. He’s a strange kind of in-between with his tidiness.

How affectionate is this character?

Jesse will sling an arm around someone as he stands with them, but generally doesn’t outright show affection unless he really needs it. He will cuddle the shit out of his boyfriends in private, though.

[goosegoblin]

Could you tell me the effect your ADHD meds have on you? Just asking because in high school/college I was having trouble focusing and was losing sleep over it and it was hurting my health, and ADHD runs in my family so I thought I may have it, so I went to my doctor and she assessed me and prescribed me Vyvanse. But part of me doubted whether I actually did since I’m not hyper or too disorganized. The meds have done wonders for me but I’m curious if I react to it the way people with ADHD do

Of course!

So disclaimer: everyone is different, everyone will react in different ways, and you not reacting the same way as I am doesn’t mean you’re broken or making things up. FWIW, my presentation is primarily inattentive with very little hyperactivity. My ADHD and depression also muddle together a lot.

Off my stimulant: getting out of bed is essentially impossible. The day feels so overwhelming. There are so many things to do but nothing is really enjoyable. My mind won’t sit still, but it won’t do anything productive or interesting either. I can’t focus on reading anything. I skip forward through a forty second YouTube video because that’s too long. I forget important things and knock stuff over. I spend four hours putting off the washing up and hating myself for it. I have to be doing several things at once to stay focused. If I try and do a task, there’s a strong chance that a few minutes in I’ll find myself clicking on Facebook or Tumblr without even realising I’m doing it. 

On stimulant: If I take my stimulant 1-1.5 hours before I need to get up, I can get up with no problem at all. Sometimes food stops seeming edible, especially if I’ve gone a little while without eating, and I have to ease myself back into things with a small snack or juice before I can eat properly. I’m still quite easily distracted, but I’m aware that I’ve been distracted and get back on topic. I might still put off the washing up for four hours, but it’s more because ‘oh! I want to do this thing now!’ and less staring at the dishes waiting to Die. It feels like some of the fuzz and noise and distortion has been stripped away from my thoughts. I can pull myself out of executive dysfunction spirals with a lot more ease.

I’m not buzzing or manic. I can’t focus on an essay for ten hours. I once took my stimulant right before I went to sleep by accident (oops) and whilst I woke up a couple times in the night, I didn’t have much trouble getting back to sleep and not getting up until the morning. I go from far below ‘normal’ functioning to just below it. On the other hand, NTs can go from normal to above-normal when taking stimulants.

Not being hyper is pretty common, and AFAB people in particular have often learned to try and compensate for certain symptoms. However, I am intrigued by you saying your doctor assessed you and prescribed Vyvanse. I would strongly recommend seeing a psychiatrist if at all possible, as they’ll know a lot more about mental health and stimulant medication.

Best of luck!

[allthislove]

I’m not proud of myself.

Today, I finally blew up at my roommate- soon to be former roommate. For me, it had been a long time coming. Living with her hasn’t exactly been a walk in the park. Though she stays gone much of the time, usually not coming home before 9 or 10 PM and leaving before 8 AM, when she is home, she treats the apartment like it’s her domain. You ever met someone who wants everything done their way, or it’s a problem? She’s this way.

She’s belittling, undermining, and controlling... and per our conversation today, and the last time we had a big discussion like this a month ago, manipulative. (She loves to turn my complaints around on me, or twist the conversation into me somehow being in the wrong.)

Here’s the thing. She isn’t a bad person. In fact, I think if we hadn’t ever lived together, we could’ve been friends. She and I enjoy some of the same things, and she has a jovial attitude, when she’s... not in her “do as I say” mode. 

The major problem is that she just sees herself as the boss of the apartment. I believe she sees it as her apartment, and I’m just the person she let live with her. It’s my fault, though. For one, when we secured the apartment last summer, I hadn’t yet moved up to Brooklyn and had no intention of doing so until my semester started at NYU. So, she actually found the place (which is nice, but is in an area I hate), and she moved into it before me (though we signed the lease at the same time, and I paid rent and all deposits even before I got there.) I was assured that these things wouldn’t be a problem, but they were. The first few months I lived there, I felt like a guest. Not like.... she was treating me with hospitality and with courtesy. Like, I was a person invading space that belonged to her. Space that I paid equal rent and utilities for, mind you.

Then, as time went on, she became more and more of a control freak. It was blaming me for not taking out trash or washing dishes, it was manipulative lies about “not feeling like I(she) should have to clean up after someone.” It was “I just feel like if you use my dishes and don’t wash them right after, it’s disrespectful.” When I moved in, she and her mother insisted that she had all the dishes and appliances we needed, and I didn’t have to buy anything. When I expressed discomfort with that idea, they assured me it would be fine. I knew it would become a problem, and it did. 

My biggest mistake, thought, was getting hooked up with her in the first place. Her family is friends with my aunt’s family. They knew we were both headed to New York around the same time, her for work, me for grad school, and everyone was suggesting to me that we should move in together. Something inside of me said that wasn’t a great idea, but I did it, anyway. It was convenient and I figured it couldn’t be a bother, because I was mostly focusing on school. Now, I’ve told the girl off, and my only worry is for my aunt’s relationship with her friend.

My final straw came today. I’m back home with my family, and my roommate, like she does, sent me a Venmo charge for the electric bill. Which is fine. What isn’t fine is that she kept sending me reminder notifications. Which she’s done in the past, which I’ve asked her not to do. Then, I texted her and asked her not to send me reminders. She responded “Please me then”. I don’t know what she meant by that, and I sort of think it was a typo meant to say “pay me then.” But either way, it was rude and ugly and my LAST STRAW. Mind you, I pay all of my bills on time. I pay other bills than the measly one(s) we share together. This bitch has been trying to mentally paint me as a deadbeat who doesn’t pay bills for M O N T H S, which is fucking annoying, because I PAY ALL OF MY BILLS ON TIME. I pay 1 credit card, 1 cell phone, 1 medical payment, 2 insurance bills, Hulu, Netflix, HBO Now... EVERY MONTH. Not including the rent, electricity, and internet we pay together. (Oh, I also sponsor a child every month.)

Now, this fucking electric bill. I have actually never seen the actual bill. I never see how much the fucking bill costs. I have never seen when it’s due. I just take her word for it when she sends me a Venmo charge. And I pay it. Usually not that exact second, because I DON’T HOP TO for anyone and it’s Venmo, and the bill is PAID to the company, which is what matters most- essentially, I’m just paying HER back for it. Which is actually not a mode I like, and I didn’t tell her to set it up this way, and I’d much rather send money directly to the electric company than pay her back, but whatever. Mind you, I asked her months ago to tell me WHEN the bill was due and how much it was so I could determine my half and pay it to her on my own. I don’t need anyone to remind me to pay bills. I’m actually adult af, I’ve been paying bills on my own for Y E A R S. She has never shown me a bill nor told me when it’s due. She also claims she Venmos me on the same day every month, which is patently false. 

So, yeah, usually by today (the 28th-ish of each month) I’d pay rent and electricity and internet at the same time (meaning I’d pay rent to the landlord, and pay this roommate over Venmo). 

So, anyway, she texted me “please me then.” Which was a fucking weird ass text. So, I text back “Wtf. How about you sent me an actual copy of the bill. This shit is annoying af.”

Then she called me. She called me, thinking she was gonna “Queen Mother” and manipulate me into submission. But little does she know, the week I left to come home (the day after my birthday, May 18), I vowed that she had ONE MORE TIME to try me. And she caught me on the right day. When she started out her mouth with her bullshit, I LET HER HAVE IT. I READ HER FOR FILTH. And she kept trying her manipulative “no, you’re the problem” bullshit, but every time she came out her mouth with some shit, I read her even more. She even tried some “I don’t see what’s the problem with reminding you about a bill that’s PAST DUE”, to which I said “HOLD UP, sis, I PAY MY BILLS ON TIME. And you never told me when this bill was due, EVEN WHEN I ASKED YOU TO, so don’t even start that bullshit.”

And, like... I’m happy that I stood up for myself, and let her know that I’m not her doormat, I’m not her underling, and I don’t need her nor answer to her, but I’m sad that it had to come to this. Because I know she’s going to cry to her mom, and it’s going to get back to her grandma, and then to MY AUNT, and it’s going to be a whole thing.

And I know she’s going to lie and say “my roommate never wanted to pay bills and stuck me with everything.” Because, she said similar things about previous roommates when we first moved in together. She said she’d had problems with roommates in the past. Which is a red flag. Which I ignored, because ... I don’t always trust my intuition. But I guarantee her problems with roommates in the past is because she’s a bossy, manipulative person who wants everything her way and thinks people are supposed to fall in line after her. Which... is not me. Could never be me. 

And, like, it SUCKS because my aunt is really good friends with her family. Like, besties with her grandma. And also, I’m NERVOUS about my social interactions with people, and never wanted to have a roommate because I think I end up making everyone hate me (which isn’t really true, but you know... the few bad times always stand out.) And, like, I have one more year at NYU, and I have to have one more year of having roommates, probably, and I’m really scared to have another situation like this. 

And New York City is so expensive that living by yourself is hard or impossible. Like, unless I find some kind of really well paying job that is willing to allow me time to finish my classes, getting a place by myself isn’t really an option, or is a very unlikely option. 

ALSO, I think living with her was so stressful it was making me physically sick, and making my body have really adverse stress reactions, so there’s that. (Seriously, like... I was having a lot of stress-related health issues that ARE GONE AND I’VE ONLY BEEN HOME A WEEK.)

So... anyway, if any of y’all read this and care... please wish me luck in finding comfortable, nice housing in a nice area so that my home life can be comfortable and my only stress can be finishing my thesis so I can graduate next spring. And please send me “great roommate” vibes! I’ve heard of so many people finding roommates that become like family, and I need that in my life.... 

[teshknowledgenotes]

RAY DALIO - PRINCIPLES NOTES - PAGE 1-40

INTRODUCTION

I'm passing along these principles because I am now at the stage in my life which I want to help others be successful rather than to be more successful myself. Because these principles have helped me and others so much, I want to share them with you. It's up to you to decide how valuable they really are and what, if anything you want to do with them.

Principles are fundamental truths that serve as the foundations for behavior that gets you what you want of life. They can be applied again and again in similar situations to help you achieve your goals

Every day, each of us is faced with a blizzard of situations we must respond to. Without principles we would be forced to react to all the things life throws at us individually, as if we were experiencing each of them for the first time. If instead we classify these situations into types and have good principles for dealing with them, we will make better decisions more quickly and have better lives as a result. Having a good set of principles is like having a good collection of recipes for success. All successful people operate by principles that help them be successful, though what they choose to be successful at varies enormously, so their principles vary.

HAVING YOUR OWN PRINCIPLES

We come by our principles in different ways. Sometimes we gain the through our own experiences and reflections. Sometimes we accept them from others, like our parents, or we adopt holistic packages of principles, such as those of religions and legal frameworks.

Because we each have our own goals and our own natures, each of us must choose our own principles to match them. While it isn't neccessarily a bad thing to use others' principles, adopting principles without giving them much thought can expose you to the risk of acting in ways inconsistent with your goals and your nature. At the same time you, like me, probably don't know everything you need to know and would be wise to embrace that fact. If you cant think for yourself while being open-minded in a clearheaded way to find out what is best for you to do, and if you can summon up the courage to do it, you will make the most of your life. If you can't do that , you should reflect on the why that is, because that's most likely your greatest impediment to getting more of what you want out of life.

Thig brings me to my first principles:

Think for your self to decide 1) What you want, 2) What is true, and 3) What you should do to achieve #1 in light of #2 and do that with humility and open-mindedness so that you consider the best thinking avaiable to you. Being clear on your principles is important because they will affect all aspects of your life.

Five steps  1) Audacious Goals

     2) Failure

     3) Learning Principles

     4) Improving

     5) More Audacious Goals

MY PRINCIPLES AND HOW I LEARNED THEM

I believe the key to success lies in knowing how to both strive for a lot and fail well. By failing well, I mean being able to experience painful failures that provide big learnings without failing badly enough to get knocked out of the game.

This way of learning and improving has been best for me because of what I'm like and because of what I do. I've always had a bad memory and didn't like following other people's instructions, but I love figuring out how things work for myself. I hated school because of my bad memory but when I was twelve I fell in love with trading the markets. To make money in the markets, one needs to be an independent thinker who bets against the consensus and is right. That's because the consensus view is baked into the price. One is inevitably going to be painfully wrong a lot, so knowing how to do that well is critical to one's success. To be a successful entrepreneur, the same is true: One also has to be an independent thinker who correctly bets against the consensus, which means being painfully wrong a fair amount. Since I was both an investor and en entrepreneur, I developed a healthy fear of being wrong and figured out an approact to decision making that would maximize my odds of being right.

MAKE BELIEVABILITY-WEIGHTED DECISIONS

My painful mistakes shifted me from having a perspective of “I know I'm right” to having one of “How do I know I'm right?” They gave me the humility I needed to balance my audacity. Knowing that I could be painfully wrong and curiosity about why other smart people saw things differently prompted me to look at things through the eyes of others as well as my own. That allowed me to see many diminsions than if I saw things just through my own eyes. Learning how to weigh people's inputs to that I chose the best ones in other words, that I believability weighted my decision making – increase my chances of being right and was thrilling. At the same time I learned to:

OPERATE BY PRINCIPLES

That are so clearly laid out that their logic an easily be assessed and you and others can see if you walk to talk. Experience taught my how invaluable it is to reflect on and write down my decision-making criteria whenever I made a decision, so I got in the habit of doing that. With time, my collection of principles became like a collection of recipes for decision making. By sharing them with the people at my company, Bridgewater Associates, and inviting them to help me test my principes in action, I continually refined and evolved them. In fact, I was able to refine them to the point that I could see how important it is to systemize your decision making

Time is like a river that carries us foward into encounters with reality that require us to make decisions. We can't stop our movement down this river and we can't avoid those encounters. We can only approach them in the best possible way

When we are children, other people, typically our parents guide us through our encounters with reality. As we get older, we begind to make our own choices. We choose what we are going after (our goals), and that influences our paths. If you want to be a doctor, you go to medical school, if you want to have a family, you find a mate and so on. As we move toward these goals we encounter problems, make mistakes, and run up against our own personal weaknesses. We learn about ourselves and about reality and make new decisions. Over the course of our lives we make millions and millions of decisions that are essentially bets, somee large and some small. It pays to think about how we make them because they are what ultimately determine the quality of our lives.

We are all born with different thinking abilities but we aren't born with decision-making skills. We learn them from our encounters with reality. While the path I went down is unique being born to particular parents, pursuing a particular career, having particular colleagues I believe that the principles I learned along the way will work equally well for most people on most paths. As you read my story, try to look through it and me to the underlying cause and effect relationships at the choices I made and their consequences, what I learned from them and how I changed the ways I make decisions as a result. Ask yourself what you want, seek out examples of other people who got what they wanted, and try to discern the cause and effect patterns behind their achievements so you can apply them to help you achieve your own goals.

MY CALL TO ADVENTURE

I didn't like school, not just because it required a lot of memorization but because I wasn't interested in most of the things my teachers thought were important. I never understood what doing well in school would get me other than my mother's approval

When I didn't want to do something, I would fight it, but when I was excited about something, nothing could hold me back. For example while I resisted doing chores at home, I eagerly did them outside the house to earn money. Starting at age eight, I had a newspaper route, shoveled snow off people's driveways, caddied, bussed tables and washed dishes at a local restaurant, and stocked shelves at a nearby department store. I don't remember my parents encouraging me to do these jobs so I can't say how I came by them. But I do know that having these jobs and having some money to handle independently in those early years taught me many valuable lessons I wouldn't have learned in school or at play.

In my early years the psychology of the 1960s U.S. As aspirational and inspirational to achieve great and noble goals. It was like nothing I have seen since. One of my earliest memories was of John F. Kennedy an intelligent, charismatic, man who painted vivid pictures of chaning the world for the better – exploring outer space, achieving equal rights and eliminating poverty. He and his ideas had a major effect on my thinking

Everyone was talking about the stock market because it was doing great and people were making money. This included the people playing at a local golf course called Links where I started caddying when I was twelve. So I took my caddying money and started playing the stock market.

While I liked playing the markets, I also loved playing around with my friends, whether in the neighborhood when I was a kid, using fake Ids to get into bars when we were teeens, or nowadays going to music festivals and on scuba diving trips together. I've always been an independent thinker inclined to take risks in search of rewards not just in the markets, but in most everything. I also feared boredom and mediocrity much more than I feared failure. For me great is better than terrible and terrible is better than mediocre, because terrible at least gives life flavor. The high school yearbook quote my friends chosefor was from from Thoreau. “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step the hte music which he hears, however measure or far away.”

In 1966 my senior year of highschool, the stock market was still booming and I was making money and having a blast, cutting school with my best friend Phil to go surfing, and doing what fun-loving high school boys usually do. Of course I didn't know it then, but that year was to be the stock market's top. After that, almost everything I thought I knew about the markets was proven wrong.

I gradually learned that prices reflect people's expectations, so they go up when actual results are better than expected and they go down when they are worse than expected

By midsummer, the dollar problem began to reach a breaking point. There were reports that Europeans wouldn't accept dollars from American tourists. The global monetary system was in the process of breaking down, but that wasn't clear to me quite yet. Then on Sunday, August 15th, 1971, President Nixon went on television to announce that the U.S. Would renege on its promise to allow dollars to be turned in for gold, which led the dollar to plummet. Since government officials had promised not to devalue the dollar, I listened with amazement as he spoke. Instead of addressing the fundamental problems behind the pressure on the dollar, he continued to blame speculators, crafting his words to make it sound like hwas moving to support the dollar while his actions were doing just the opposite. “floating it” as Nixon was doing, and then letting it sink like a stone, looked a lot like a lie to me. Over the decades since, I've repeatedly seen policymakers deliever such assurances immediately before currency devaluations, so I learned not to believe government policymakers when they assure you that they won't let a currency devaluation happen.

As I listened to Nixon speak, I wondered what those developments meant. Money as we'd known it a claim check to get gold no longer existed. That couldn't be good.

Monday morning I walked onto the floor of the exchange expecting pandemonium. There was pandemonium all right, but not the sort I expected: Instead of falling, the stock market jumped about 4% a significant daily gain.

To try to understand what was happening, I spent the rest of that summer studying past currency devaluations. I learned that everything that was going on – the currency breaking its link to gold and devaluing, the stock market soaring in response – had happened before, and that logical cause-effect relationships made those developments inevitable. My failure to anticipate this, I realized was due to my being surprised by something that hadn't happened in my lifetime, though it had happened many times before. The message that reality was conveying to me was “You better make sense of what happened to other people in other times and other places because if you don't you won't know if these things can happen to you and if they do you won't know how to deal with them.”

I owned pork bellies stocks, I had lost a lot of money. It taught me the importance of risk controls, because I never wanted to experience that pain again. It enhanced my fear of being wrong and taught me to make sure that no single bet, or even multiple bets, could cause me to lose more than an acceptable amount. In trading you have to be defensive and aggressive at the same time. If you are not aggressive, you are not going to make money, and if you are not defensive, you are not going to keep money. I believe that anyone who has made money in trading has had to experience horrendous pain at some point. Trading is like working with electricity, you can get an electric shock. With that pork belly trade and other trades, I felt the electric shock and the fear that comes with it.

I got fired from my job at Shearson, but the brokers, their clients and even the ones who fire me liked me and wanted to keep getting my advice. Even better, they were willing to pay me for it, so in 1975 I started Bridgewater Associates.

I set up a little business with Bob Scott, a friend from HBS. Along with a few pals in other countries, we made halfhearted attempts to sell commodities from the U.S. To other countries. We called it Bridgewater because we were “bridging the waters” and it had a good ring to it. By 1975 there wasn't much left of this commodities company, but as it did already exist on paper, I used it.

I worked out of my two-bedroom apartment. When a pal from HBS who I shared the apartment with moved out, I made his bedroom an office. I worked with another friend I played rugby with, and we hired a great young woman who worked as our assistant. That was Bridgewater.

Pursuing a mission with friends to help clients beat the markets was much more fun than having a real job. As long as my basic living expenses were covered, I knew I'd be happy.

MODELING MARKETS AS MACHINES

I was really getting my head into the livestock, meat, grain, and oilseed markets. I loved them because they were concrete and less subject than stocks to distorted perceptions of value. While stocks could stay too high or too low because “greater fools” kept buying or selling them, livestock ended up on the meat counter where it would be priced based on what consumers were willing to pay. I could visualize the processes that led to those sales and see the relationships underlying them. Since livestock eat grain (mostly corn) and soymeal, and since corn and soybeans compete for acreage, those markets are closesly related. I learned just about everything imaginable about them-- what the planted acreage and typical yields were in each of the major growing areas; how to convert rainfall levels in different weeks of the growing season into yield estimates; how to project harvest sizes, carrying costs, and livestock inventories by weight group, location and rates of weight gain; and how to project dressing yields, retailer margins, consumer preferences by cut of mean, and the amounts to be slaughtered in each season.

This wasn't academic learning: People with practice in the business showed me how to agricultural processes worked, and I organized what they told me into models I used to map the interactions of those parts through time.

For example, by knowing how many cattle, chickens and hogs were being fed, how much grain they ate, and how fast they gained weight, I could project both when and how much meat would come to market and when and how much corn and soymeal would be consumed. Likewise, by seeing how much acreage was planted with corn and soybeans in all the growing areas, doing regressions that showed how rainfall affected the yields in each of these areas and applying weather forecasts and rainfall data, I could project the timing and quantity of corn and soybean production. To me it all looked like a beautiful machine with logical cause-effect relationships. By understanding these relationships, I could come up with decision rules (or principles) I could model.

These early models were a far cry from the ones we use now; they were back-of-the-envelope sketches, analyzed and converted into computer programs with the technology I could afford at the time. At the very beginning, I did regressions on my handheld Hewlett-Packard HP-67 calculator, plotted charts by hand with colored pencils, and recorded every trade in composition notebooks. When the personal computer came along, I could input the numbers and watch them be converted into pictures of what would happen on spreadsheets. Knowing how cattle, hogs, and chickens progressed through their stages of production, how they competed fro meat-eater dollars, what meateaters would spend and why, and how the profit margins of meatpackers and retailers would influence their behaviours (for example with cuts of meat they would push in advertisements), I would see how the machine produced cattle, hog and chicken prices that I could bet on.

As basic as those early models were, I loved building and refining them – and they were good enough to make me money. The approach to price determination I was using was different from the one I had learned in my economics classes where supply and demand were both measured in terms of quantities sold. I found it much more practical to measure demand as the amount spent (instead of as the quantity bought) and to look at who the buyers and sellers were and why they bought and sold.

This different apporach was on of the key reasons I caught economic and market moves others missed. From that point on whever I looke at any market – commodities, stocks, bonds, currencies, whatever – I could see and understand imbalances that others whodefined supply and demand in the traditional way (as units that equaled each other) missed.

Visualizing complex systems as machines, figuring out the cause-effect relationships within them, writing down the principles for dealing with them, and feeding them into a computer so the computer could “make decidsions” for me all became standard practices.

Don't get me wrong. My approach was far from perfect. I vividly remember one “can't lose” bet that personally cost me about $100,00. That was most of my net worth at the time. More painful still, it hurt clients too. The most painful lesson that was repeatedly hammered out there that can hurt you badly, even in the seemingly safest bets, so it's always best to assume you're missing something. This lesson changed my approach to decision making in ways that will reverberate throughout this book – and to which I attribute much of my success. But I would make many other mistakes before I fully changed my behaviour.

BUILDING THE BUSINESS

While making money was good, having meaningful work and meaningful relationships was far better. To me, meaningful work is being on a mission I become engrossed in, and meaningful relationships are those I have people I care deeply about and who care deeply about me.

Think about it: It's senseless to have making money as your goal as money has no intrinsic value – its value comes from what it can buy, and it can't buy everything. It's smarter to start with what you really want, which are your real goals, and then work back to what you need to attain them. Money will be one of the things you need, but it's not the only one and certainly not the most important one once you get past having the amount you need to get what you really want.

When thinking about the things you really want, it pays to think of their relative values so you weight them properly. In my case, I wanted meaningful work and meaningful relationships equally, and I valued money less – as long as I had enough to take care of my basic needs. In thinking about the relative importance of great relationships and money, it was clear that relationships were more important because there is no amount of money I would take in exchange for a meaningful relationship, because there is nothing I could buy with that money that would be more valuable. So, for me, meaningful work and meaningful relationships were and still are my primary goals and everything I did was for them. Making moeny was an incidental consequence of that.

In the late 1970s, I began sending my observations about the markets to clients via telex. The genesis of these Daily Observations (”Grains and Oilseeds”, ”Livestock and Meats”, ”Economy and Financial Markets”) was pretty simple: While our primary business was in managing risk exposures, our clients also called to pick my brain about the markets. Taking those calls became time-consuming, so I decided it would be more efficient to write down my thoughts every day so others could understand my logic and help improve it. It was a good discipline since it forced me to research and reflect every day. It also became a key channel of communication for our busienss. Today aalmost forty years and ten thousand publications later, our Daily Obsrevations are read, reflected on, and argued about my clients and policymakers around the world. I'm still writing them, along with others at Bridgewater, and expet to continue to write them until people don't care to read them or I die.

One of my consulting clients during this period was McDonald's, which was a huge beef buyer, and Lane Processing, then the largest chicken producer in the country. I made them both a lot of money – especially Lane Processing, which did even better from its speculations in the grain and soy markets than it did from raising and selling chickens.

Around this time, McDonald's had conceived of a new product, the Chicken McNugget, but they were reluctant to bring it to market because of their concern that chicken prices might rise and squeeze their profit margins. Chicken producers like Lane wouldn't agree to sell to them at a fixed price because they were worried that their costs would go up and they would be squeezed.

As I thought about the problem, it occurred to me that in economic terms a chicken can be seen as a simple machine consisting of a chick plus its feed. The most volatile cost that the chicken producer needed to worry about was feed prices. I showed Lane how to use a mix of corn and soymeal futures to lock in costs so they could quote a fixed price to McDonald's. Having freatly reduced its price risk, McDonald's introduced the McNugget in 1983. I felt great about helping make that happen.

I identified similar types of price relationships in the cattle and meat markets. For example, I showed cattle feeders how they could lock in strong profit margins by hedging good price relationships between their cost items (feeder cattle, corn and soymeal) and what they were going to sell (fed cattle) six months later. I developed a way of selling different cuts of fresh meat for future delivery at fixed prices far below crozen meat prices but that still produced big profit margins. Combining my clients' deep understanding of the way the “machines” of their own businesses operated with my knowledge of the way markets functioned worked to our mutual advantage, while making the markets more efficient overall. My ability to visualize these complex machines gave us a compeititve edge against those who were shooting from the hip, and eventually changed the way these industries operated. And, as always it was a kick to be working with people I liked.

I had made a lot of money on silver's rise to $10, I was kicking myself for missing the ride to $50. But at least by being out, I didn't lose money. There are anxious times in every investor's career when your expectations of what should be happening aren't aligned with what is happening and you don't know if you're looking at great opportunities or catastrophic mistakes. Because I ad a strong tendency to be right but early, I was inclined to think that was the case. It was, but to have missed the $40 move up was inexcusable to me. The plunge finally did happen in March 1980, silvercrashed back down before $11. It ruined Bunker Hunt (then the richest man in the world), and he nearly brought down the whole U.S. Economy as he fell. The Fed had to intervene to control the ripple effects. All of this pounded an indelible lesson into my head: Timing is everything. I was relieved that I was out of that market, but watching the richest man in the world – who was also someone I empathized with – go broke was jarring. Yet it was nothing compared to what was to come.

In 1979-1982 as I saw it, the Fed was stuck between a rock and a hard place. They either had to a) Print money to relieve debt problems and keep the economy going (which had already pushed inflation to 10 percent in 1981 and was causing people to dump bonds and buy inflation-hedged assets), or b) break the back of inflation by becoming bone-cushingly tight (which would break the back of debtors because debt was at the highest levels since the Great Depression). The worsening problem showed up in both progressively higher levels of inflation and progressively worse levels of economic activity. Both appeared to be coming to a head. Debts continued to rise much faster than the incomes borrowers needed to repay them, and American banks were lending huge amounts – much more than they had in capital – to emergineg countries. In March 1981, I wrote a Daily Observation entitled “The Next Depression in Perspective” and concluded it by saying, “The enormity of our debt implies that the depression will be as bad or worse than that witnessed in the thirties.”

I believed that the choice was between accelerating inflation and deflationary depresssion, I was holding both gold (which performs well in accelerating inflation) and bonds (which perform well in deflationary depressions). Up until that point, gold and bonds had moved in opposite directions, depending on wheter inflation expectations rose or fell. Holding those positions seemed much safe that holding alternatives like ccash, which would lose value in an inflation environment, or stocks, which would crash in a depression.

Mexico defaulted on it's debt and my prediction was starting to come true, a lot of people were intersted in what I had said and I was asked to be on popular stock market shows.

My prediction was dead wrong. After a delay, the economy responded to the Fed's efforts, rebounding in a noninflationary way. In other words, inflation fell while growth accelerated. The stock market began a big bull run, and over the next eighteen years the U.S. Economy enjoyed the greatest noninflationary growth period in its history.

How was that possible? Eventually, I figured it out. As money poured out of these borrower countries and into the U.S., it changed everything. It drove the dollar up, which produced deflationary pressures in the U.S., which allowed the Fed to ease interest rates without raising inflation. This fueled a boom. The banks were protected both because the Federal Reserve loaned them cash and the creditors' committees and international financial restructuring organizations such as the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the Bank for Interanational Settlements arranged things so that the debtor nations could pay their debt service from new loans. That way everyone could pretend everything was fine and write down those loans over many years.

My experience over this period was like a series of blows to the head with a baseball bat. Being so wrong – and especially so publicly wrong – was incredibly humbling and cost me just about everything I had build at Bridgewater. I saw that I had been an arrogant jerk who was totally confident in a totally incorrect view.

So there I was after eight years in business, with nothing to show for it. Though I'd been right much more than I'd been wrong, I was all the way back to square one.

At one point I'd lost so much money I couldn't afford to pay the people who worked with me. One by one, I had to let them go. We went down to two employees – Colman and me. Then Colman had to go. With tears from all, his family packed up and returned to Oklahoma. Bridgewater was now down to just one employee: me.

Losing people I cared so much about and very nearly losing my dream of working for myself was devestating. To make ends meet, I even had to borrow $4000 from my dad until we could sell our second car. I had come to a ford in the road: Should I put on a tie and take a job on Wall Street? That was not the life I wanted. On the other hand, I had a wife and two young children to support. I realized I was facing one of life's big turning points and my choices would have big implications for me and for my family's future.

FINDING A WAY PAST MY INTRACTABLE INVESTMENT PROBLEM

Making money in the markets is tough. The brilliant trader and investor Bernard Baruch put it well when he said, “If you are ready to give up everything else and study the whole history and background of the market and all principal companies whose stocks are on the board as carefully as a medical student studies anatomy – if you can do all that in addition you have the cool nerves of a gambler, the sixth sense of a clairvoyant and the courage of a lion, you have a ghost of a chance.”

In retrospect, the mistakes that led to my crash seemed embarrassingly obvious. First, I had been wildly overconfident and had let my emotions get the better of me. I learned (again) that no matter how much I knew and how hard I worked, I could never be certain enough to proclaim things like what I'd said on Wall Street Week: “There'll be no soft landing. I can say that with absolute certainty, because I know how markets work.” I am still shocked and embarrassed by how arrogant I was.

Second, I again saw the value of studying history. What had happened, after all, was “another one of those.” I should have realized that debts denominated in one's own currency can be successfully restructured with the government's help, and that when central banks simultaneously provide stiumulus (as they did in March 1932, at the low point of the Great Depression, and as they did again in 1982), inflation and deflation can be balanced against each other. As in 1971, I had failed to recognized the lessons of history. Realizing that led me to try to make sense of all movements in all major economies and markets going back a hundred years and to come up with carefully tested decision-making principles that are timeless and universal.

Third, I was reminded of how difficult it is to time markets. My long-term estimates of equilibrium levels were not reliable enough to bet on; too many things could happen between the time I placed my bets and the time (if ever) that my estimates were reached.

Staring at these failings, I realized that if I was going to move forward without a high likelhood of getting whacked again, I would have to look at myself objectively and change – starting by learning a bettwe way of handling the natuaral agressiveness I've always shown in going what I wanted.

Imagine that in order to have a great life you have to cross a dangerous jungle. You can stay safe where you are and have ordinary life, or you can risk crossing the jungle to have a terrific life. How would you apporach that choice? Take a moment to think about it because it is the sort of choice that, in one form or another, we all have to make.

I just want to be right I don't care if the right answer comes from me. So I learned to be radically open-minded to allow others to point out what I might be missing. I saw that the only way I could succeed would be to:

1) Seek out the smartest people who disagreed with me so I could try to understand their reasoning.

2) Know when not to have an opinion.

3) Develop, test, and systemize timeless and universal principles.

4) Balance risks in way that keep the big upside while reducing the downside.

Over the years that followed, I found that most of the extraordinarily successful people I've met had similar big painful failures that taught them the lessons that ultimately helped them succeed. I saw that to do exceptionally well you have to push your limits and that, if you push you limits, you will crash and it will hurt a lot. You will think that you have failed but that won't be true unless you give up. Believe it or not, your pain will fade and you will have many other opportunities ahead of you, though you might not see them at the time. The most important thing you can do is to gather the lessons these failures provide and gain humility and radical open-mindedness in order to increase your chances of success. Then you press on.

The computer was much better than my brain in “thinking” about many things at once, and it could do it more precisely, more rapidly, and less emotionally. And, because it had such a great memory, it could do a better job of compounding my knowledge and the knowledge of the people I worked with as Bridgewater grew. Rather than argue about our conclusions, my partners and I would argue about our different decision-making criteria. Then we resolved our disagreements by testing the criteria objectively.

While the computer was much better than our brains in many ways, it didn't have the imagination, understanding, and logic that we did. That's why our brains working with the computer made such a great partnership.

Truweth be known, forecasts aren't worth very much, and most people who make them don't make money in the markets. This is because nothing is certain and when one overlays the probabilities of all of the various things that affect the future in order to make a forecast, one gets a wide array of possibilities with varying probabilities, not one highly probable outcome. We believe that market movements reflect economic movements. Economic movements are reflected in economic statistics. By studying the relationships between economic statistics and market movements, we've developed precise rules for identifying important shifts in the economic/market environment and in turn our positions. In other words, rather than forecasting changes in the economic environment and shifting positions in anticipation of them, we pick up these changes as they're occuring and move our money around to keep in those markets which perform best in that environment.