#essentially— and don’t read ahead if you’re going to watch it / don’t want spoilers (although it did come out in 1970 so i suppose spoiler

[afieldinengland]

can’t stop thinking about the form of sacrifice specifically practiced in robin redbreast. the cyclical nature of it is utterly horrifying

[sage-nebula]

I have Volo Brainrot™ at present, and I really want to talk about what makes him such an interesting character to me, but I can’t talk about any of that without talking about the colonialization apologia / propaganda present all throughout Legends Arceus, so you know what, let’s just go ahead and do that now instead of waiting for me to get to it in my review. It would be easier to just link this post in the review anyway, particularly for those who don’t want to read a review that’s something like sixty pages long.

All of that said though, before we get into this: I AM NOT SAYING that this is a bad game or that you can’t enjoy it. I myself have enjoyed it a lot (my review score is going to be 7.5/10), and I really, really, really hope that we get future games in this style. I also enjoy many of the characters in the game, too. But that said, the story is Yikes on many different levels, and I think that’s worth talking about. You can enjoy things while being critical of them—or at least, I can. I love Pokémon with all my heart, and that includes calling out its flaws when it has them, which is what I’m doing now. So please note that I’m not saying you can’t love this game, because I myself do love it! But I am going to talk about the serious issues with the story, and if that’s discussion you don’t want to partake in, then turn away now.

Huge spoiler warning for ALL of Pokémon Legends: Arceus, including and ESPECIALLY the postgame. You’ve been warned.

Okay, so first, let’s talk a little bit about the history of Japan, and their colonization of the northern part of the island (and the surrounding smaller islands) and their oppression of the Ainu people. I’m not even going to remotely begin to pretend to be an expert on this topic. I am not Japanese, nor am I Ainu, and I strongly encourage everyone to seek out sources from people who are of Japanese and especially Ainu descent on this topic if you want to know more. I’m just going to give a very brief overview of the things I’ve learned from my own research, but again, I’m not an expert and I’m not pretending to be, so don’t quote me on this. (Although if you’re quoting a tumblr post in your academic papers . . . oh honey, no.)

So.

The two main groups of people in this little history lesson are the Yamato Japanese and the Ainu. “Yamato Japanese” refers to the people that most people think of today when they hear “Japanese”; these are the East Asian people who were indigenous to the main part of the island of Japan, particularly in the middle and the southern regions. Ainu, meanwhile, refers to an ethnically diverse group of people who were indigenous to the northern part of the island (known today as Hokkaido), as well as several of the smaller islands in the periphery of the main island. The Ainu people were established there before the Yamato Japanese decided to move north to further the Empire of Japan, and in fact there are many historical records which show the Empire of Japan interacting with the Ainu people to establish things like trades, treaties, etc. The Ainu had their own culture, their own language, their own religion. That was their land, they were their own sovereign nation.

And then . . . they weren’t.

Again, I’m going to give only a very brief overview, especially since I’m not an expert in the subject. But essentially, the Japanese Empire decided that it wanted to conquer what would later become known as Hokkaido, as well as the surrounding peripheral islands. If you’ve watched the meme-spawning video “History of Japan”, you will remember this as the part where the narrator goes, “. . . and they conquered the north finally, got that squared away.” Well, as can be expected, there was more to it than that. 

In the late 1700s - early 1800s, the Empire of Japan took its first steps toward conquering Hokkaido and forcibly assimilating / oppressing the Ainu people by conquering the southern part of Hokkaido. The Ainu still controlled the northernmost part of their territory and they and other indigenous groups (because I believe there were others too) still controlled the periphery islands—but the Japanese shogunate took full control over the southern part of the territory. And while this would be bad enough on its own, the Empire did not stop there. Because they viewed the Ainu as “beneath” them, as “barbarous”, they engaged in practices such as abducting Ainu women and raping / forcibly marrying them to Japanese men (to “better assimilate” them), and arresting Ainu men to force them to work in indentured servitude for years, sometimes a decade or more. These were only a few of the practices enacted to weaken the Ainu people, stamp out their culture, and drop their population.

And it gets worse.

In the mid- to late-1800s, the Empire of Japan fully annexed Hokkaido and the surrounding smaller islands. In 1899 specifically, the Japanese government passed laws which labeled the Ainu people as “former aborigines” and granted them Japanese citizenship status . . . which might sound good on paper until you realize that it stripped them of their rights as indigenous people (something that was not fixed until 2019). In many cases, Ainu people had their land forcibly taken from them and given to Yamato Japanese settlers, and it was made illegal for them to practice their religious and cultural customs, speak their language, and hunt and gather, so that they would instead assimilate into Japanese culture, language, and customs. And even though the Ainu had their status as indigenous people restored in 2019, not only is it far too late and the damage has been done (the Ainu language is nearly extinct), but a year later in 2020 the former prime minister said that Japan is the only country to have “. . . lasted for as long as 2,000 years with one language, one ethnic group, one dynasty.” So even after the Ainu had their status as an indigenous group restored . . . it was still being ignored by the government, even a year later. Which isn’t surprising, but it is depressing considering how much the Ainu population has dwindled due to the colonization and imperialism, how many of their practices have been lost, how their language is only spoken by a handful of native speakers now, etc.

So, what does all of this have to do with Pokémon?

As anyone who has played the games or is a fan of Pokémon knows, the region of Sinnoh is the PokéWorld version of Hokkaido. And as such, Hisui—which is the version of Sinnoh that we get to explore in Legends Arceus—is a version of ancient Hokkaido . . . or, as it was known before it was annexed, Ezo. In other words, not only did Game Freak base Sinnoh on Hokkaido, but when they decided to make a game about its ancient past, they included the fact that Hokkaido wasn’t always named Hokkaido by making it so that Sinnoh wasn’t always named Sinnoh. So if you��re wondering why the region was called Hisui instead of Sinnoh in Legends . . . that’s why.

Anyway, knowing that Sinnoh = PokéHokkaido obviously raised a lot of questions with regards to how Legends—a game which takes place back in the feudal era—would handle the question of indigenous people. Obviously, Japan has a very brutal history of imperialism and colonization with regards to Hokkaido and the Ainu people (and other places as well such as Korea, but this is specifically about Hokkaido / the Ainu). But at the same time, Pokémon is a game series for children which, while it has included heavy topics such as genocide and child abuse in the past, still tends to make its stories easily digestible and not too heavy for the children involved. Also, this is a Japanese game made by a Japanese company, and even now in the year of our Pokélord 2022 the treatment of the Ainu by the Japanese government and, I’d wager, many Japanese media companies isn’t exceptional. (Although there are many Japanese people with Ainu ancestry due to the aforementioned abductions and rapes, as well as Ainu people encouraging the interracial marriages in hopes that their offspring wouldn’t be as discriminated against if they were part Japanese . . . it’s a whole thing that, again, I’m not an expert on and am not really qualified to discuss.) So, would they just avoid it altogether by having everyone in the game be indigenous to the region?

Unfortunately . . . no.

To get this out of the way before anything else: The issue is not that we have an isekai protagonist from the future / our world / wherever. (I think they’re meant to be from the future of the PokéWorld, but I think it’s left open enough so that you can have them be from wherever you want.) It’s standard PokéFair for the protagonist to be exceptionally special, and if they are from future!Sinnoh, one could headcanon that they’re descended from the actual indigenous peoples of Hisui (so the Diamond Clan, Pearl Clan, or Ginkgo Group), so it’s not quite the pro-colonization propaganda it might otherwise be. While of course it would have been preferable to have our protagonist just straight up be from one of the clans (or maybe from like, a third clan formed by people who left those two clans because they were tired of the fighting and wanted a Third Option or something similar), the isekai aspect of the story isn’t the part I take issue with. Instead, the face of the colonization apologia in Legends Arceus is this face right here:

Words cannot describe how much I hate this insecure, ignorant little man.

This man is Kamado, the commander of Galaxy Team and de facto leader of Jubilife Village, a village that is full of no one but colonizers from outside the Hisui region. Kamado, and those who came with him, decided to come to Hisui to start a new life “free of war and strife,” and Kamado in particular aims to do that no matter what the cost is—including if that cost is, as he says later in the story, exterminating pokémon that he feels pose a threat. The game tries to handwave this by giving him a sad backstory about how pokémon razed his home village back in whatever region he came from (I would assume Kanto personally), but not only are we not told whether those pokémon were ever provoked or not, but it still doesn’t excuse Kamado’s shitty behavior toward the pokémon in the Hisui region who are minding their own business, or, most importantly, the indigenous peoples of Hisui whom he looks down upon, which the narrative never once takes him to task for doing so.

Let’s look at the Diamond and Pearl Clans for a moment, shall we?

The Diamond and Pearl Clans are, I believe, meant to be the PokéWorld version of the Ainu. While they lack the characteristic physical features of the Ainu people from back then (e.g. the women don’t have mouth tattoos, the men don’t have beards), their cultural practices revolving around their close relationships with pokémon and the Noble Pokémon that they worship and serve speaks very much to the religious practices that the Ainu practiced before the Empire of Japan made it illegal for them to do so. Specifically, the Ainu were largely animists; they believed that everything had a spirit or soul, but in particular several of the gods they worshiped took animal forms, and as a result those animals held high reverence among the Ainu people. So for example, Kim-un-kamuy was known as the “god of mountains” and was often seen as a bear; Rep-un-kamuy was the “god of the sea”, and was sometimes depicted as an orca. 

How does this relate back to Pokémon?

Well, as stated, not only do the Diamond and Pearl clans live among pokémon, but if you look at the Noble Pokémon which hold the highest importance in their clan, you’ll see that many of them hearken back to animals that held high importance in the Ainu religious traditions. Ursaluna is the most obvious, being a giant bear. But Basculegion is a giant salmon, and salmon were a staple in the Ainu diet (not to mention that they had a god of the sea / fishing / marine life as well). Deer were another animal which were very important to Ainu survival, and Wyrdeer is another Noble Pokémon. Obviously some like Electrode and Kleavor don’t have direct analogues, but there are still enough that do that make it so that this had to be intentional. Particularly considering how the Diamond and Pearl Clans are very close to pokémon whereas the colonizers are not, and the difference in the Ainu people’s animist beliefs versus the Yamato Japanese’s Shinto or Buddhist beliefs, and the fact that the Clans were, you know, already there whereas the Galaxy Team came from other regions . . . yes, I think it’s safe to say that the Diamond and Pearl clans are stand-ins for the Ainu people. (The Ginkgo Guild might be as well, though it’s harder to say because we don’t exactly know where they came from to my knowledge, or if Volo was even actually one of them for real. But more on that later on.)

Now, to be fair, most of the colonizers in Jubilife don’t seem to have any issues with the Diamond and Pearl Clans. And yes, they are colonizers and not immigrants because if they were immigrants, they would have made an attempt to live with the Diamond and Pearl Clans. It’s not as if they would have been turned away; Ingo fell out of the sky and the Pearl Clan not only took him in, but made him a Warden. Instead, the Galaxy Team has chosen to create a village of their own, with their own culture and inventions, and Kamado is pushing his own values and beliefs onto the Clans. They have created a colony, they are colonizing, they are colonizers. There’s no getting around it.

But as I said, most of them don’t seem to have an issue with the Clans. Arezu is able to become the hairdresser’s apprentice with no problem. Rei / Akari is willing to help Mai when she requests assistance at the start of the game. For the most part, the colonizers don’t seem to look down on the Clans . . . but Kamado absolutely does, and the worst part is that the game rewards him for his ignorant behavior.

First, let’s take a look at their history pre-game.

The Diamond and Pearl Clans have been at odds with each other for a long time, because they each believe that the other Clan is worshiping a false “almighty Sinnoh,” the god they believe created their world and rules over all of time (Diamond) or space (Pearl). Obviously, they’re both a little bit wrong in that they’re actually worshiping Dialga and Palkia respectively and just don’t know it, but whatever, that’s not the point. The point is, these are deeply held and highly valued religious beliefs for these Clans, beliefs that guide their people, beliefs that inform how they interact with pokémon and the world around them. And how does Kamado respond to these beliefs?

He refers to it with sarcastic scare-quotes.

Now, to be entirely fair to him, he does refer to almighty Sinnoh without the sarcastic scare-quotes in the previous line. But even so, referring to almighty Sinnoh with scare-quotes even once shows a disparaging attitude toward the beliefs of the Clans (especially since the context of this line is Kamado questioning Warden Melli’s assertion that the frenzy state was a gift from almighty Sinnoh to strengthen the nobles of the Clans). While it makes sense that Kamado wouldn’t have the same religious beliefs as the Clans given that he comes from a different region altogether, there’s a difference between not holding the same religious beliefs as another group, and disparaging their beliefs. Kamado isn’t showing respect here, and the fact that no one in the Clans was present for this conversation doesn’t matter. It’s clear that he doesn’t think very highly of their beliefs or practices, and while that makes sense considering how close they are with pokémon and how much Kamado himself dislikes / fears pokémon, it still doesn’t make it okay. And, more importantly, given the context of the way the Yamato Japanese colonizers treated the Ainu people and their beliefs (and forbade them from practicing those beliefs after they fully conquered the territory), it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

But that said, it does get worse than this.

At multiple points in the game, Adaman and Irida (the leaders of the Diamond and Pearl Clans respectively) meet in Kamado’s office to discuss the ongoing situation surrounding the frenzied Noble pokémon. And during one of these meetings, we get the following:

I’m going to be honest: When I got to this part in my playthrough, I had to actually turn my Switch off for a bit and set it down because I was so appalled.

Read the dialogue again, and take note of who is saying each line. Kamado blatantly states that he and the other Jubilife colonizers came to Hisui to create a home for themselves (again, to colonize the land, not to actually join the peoples who already lived there and respect their way of life). Adaman then says that Kamado “[put in work] to get [the Diamond and Pearl Clans] to treat one another as equals and keep [them] from fighting.” 

I don’t know about the rest of you, but to me this reeks of “the civilized colonizer had to stop the barbarians from killing each other over petty squabbles.” And considering how the Yamato Japanese viewed the Ainu as uncivilized, as lesser, as beneath them? To say this isn’t a good look is an understatement. Particularly considering the fact that both Clans were just a little bit wrong about who they were worshiping (since neither was worshiping Arceus, the actual Creator of All), and the fact that Adaman and Irida both at different points in the endgame acknowledge this, this all amounts to, “the poor ignorant savages just didn’t know any better and needed the civilized wise colonizers to come in and set them straight.” It’s nasty. And considering how the Ainu people are still suffering to this day because of the imperialism and colonization (which the Japanese government tried to sweep under the rug by calling it a “redistributing of resources and unused land” or something like that), it makes it even more vile. (In other words, a story that is pro-colonization and pro-imperialism would be bad enough, but considering the historical context? Yikes.)

But still, it still gets worse! Because later on in the story, Kamado—due to his fear of the protagonist’s bond with their pokémon and therefore their overall collective strength—decides to banish the protagonist from the village. The protagonist then goes to the Diamond and Pearl Clans for help, both of whom say they cannot openly assist the protagonist because it would piss off Kamado. And I have to say, I found that to be appalling. Kamado is a colonizer. Kamado has no right to do anything in this land. He certainly shouldn’t have the right to raise an army to go hunt down a pokémon atop Mount Coronet, regardless of whether that pokémon is on the other side of a rift or not. Yet both Adaman and Irida—and, as a result, their wardens and the rest of the clan—kowtow to what he wants. Oh sure, they try to argue with him on your behalf when you’re being exiled, but ultimately they’re afraid of angering him, of going against his word. Kamado’s word is law. And considering he’s a colonizer and they’re the indigenous people, the fact that they’re shown to so easily bend to his will . . . while on the one hand it explains how Hisui changes to Sinnoh (and in the postgame, Kamado is the one who suggests this name change, which makes sense given that he’s the driving force of imperialism in this land and it was the Japanese government who changed the name from Ezo to Hokkaido, but still, gross), it’s still infuriating. Neither Adaman nor Irida, nor anyone else native to Hisui, should have to listen to Kamado’s colonizing ass. But they do, because this game’s story is full to the brim of colonization propaganda and imperialist apologia. There’s no way to get around it, that’s what the bulk of the story is unfortunately about. (And it really didn’t have to be this way, colonizers didn’t have to play a part even if the protagonist was isekai’d in from another time period / world, as I already explained. That they chose to do this is just . . . yikes.)

With all of that said . . . let’s talk about Volo, shall we?

For most of the game, Volo is a friendly merchant from the Ginkgo Guild who is very interested in the myths and legends of Hisui, much like his eventual descendant (reincarnation??) Cynthia will be. In the postgame, we learn that he is also completely off his shits and wants to, for reasons that are never explained to us beyond “I was sad once”, completely destroy and remake the world using Arceus’ power, similar to Cyrus. Now, while the bad writing surrounding his motivation is frustrating (because again, we never really learn what his true motivation is for wanting to remake the world; at least with Cyrus we knew it was because he thought humans sucked for having emotions, but with Volo we never get anything beyond “I was sad once and was like ‘why am I in a world that’s mean to me’" and that’s just not a concrete motivation), I feel like we can extrapolate what could have been his motivation if this game was better written and not so dedicated to being colonization apologia.

During one of his postgame rants, Volo says this:

Volo is one of Hisui’s indigenous people, despite not belonging to either the Diamond or the Pearl Clans.

Now, I mentioned earlier that I think that the Ginkgo Guild are also indigenous to Hisui, although I don’t think this is ever explicitly stated. There is a location in the Cobalt Coastlands that bears the Ginkgo name, and Volo says that he has the blood of the “ancient Sinnoh people,” indicating that he (or at least his heritage) is indigenous to this land, even if the other indigenous peoples don’t refer to themselves as the Sinnoh people (although they do refer to their god as “almighty Sinnoh” for the majority of the game, so). While it’s unclear if Volo is actually a member of the Ginkgo Guild, or if he’s just pretending because being a merchant is an easy way to gather information, he still plays the part well enough that he fools pretty much everyone into believing that he’s one of them, with Cogita even questioning him when he talks about the Guild as if he’s not one of their members (which is why it’s unclear whether he’s one of them or not). Regardless of whether the Ginkgo Guild is indigenous, though, I think it’s pretty clear that Volo himself still is; he says he has the blood of the ancient Sinnoh people in his veins, he has those strong ties to this land and (he feels) to his god, to Arceus. Volo being indigenous is undeniable.

So with that in mind . . . aside from “I was sad once and thought that sucked so I WANT TO DESTROY THE ENTIRE WORLD,” I think that a more believable motivation for Volo would be, “I want to remake the world so the colonizers never came here,” or something similar.

Think about it: It’s mentioned time and time and time again throughout the game that the Galaxy Team’s influence on Hisui is changing the culture of the continent at a rapid pace. Whenever you visit her outside of mandated story visits, Cogita mentions that with the arrival of Galaxy Team, the human voices in the region are growing louder. Both the Diamond and Pearl Clans are kowtowing to Kamado. They’re starting to move toward assimilating into Jubilife Culture, what with Arezu moving into the village, their open approval of pokéballs, etc. And while Volo does use pokéballs as well (and gives you the hint to smack pokémon in the back with them for better captures), we also know that he does still have a good relationship with his own pokémon given that he’s able to evolve his Togepi all the way, which requires high friendship. More importantly though, Volo is interested in history and culture that was lost; maybe it isn’t just wanting to change the fact that colonizers ever came to take Hisui, but also wanting to bring back the cultural traditions that have already been lost to time, to make it so that the ancient Sinnoh people aren’t so ancient anymore. Maybe Volo’s motivations aren’t that he was sad once, but that he mourns for a culture, for a people who have been lost, and wants to bring that culture to life again, to reshape the world so that it was never lost in the first place. And while it’s not my place to say because I am not a member of any indigenous culture that has been stampeded over by imperialism, I feel that if an indigenous person saw a chance to rewrite history so that their culture wasn’t railroaded over by imperialism . . . they would be tempted to take that chance. And I think that it would be wrong to call them a villain for doing so.

Ultimately, I feel that this bit here is the final nail in the coffin for the imperialism apologia in this game’s story. Because Kamado, the very face of colonizing imperialism, is “redeemed” and seen as a “good guy” after he bows to the player for beating him in battle, claiming that he now sees the error of his ways and will listen to them (when really all he’s doing is admitting that he really cannot beat the player in battle, saying “might makes right,” and ultimately just being an ignorant, colonizing coward). But Volo, someone who in his final rant is stated to be one of the indigenous people of the land, is not redeemed, and instead leaves declaring that one day he will conquer Arceus and use it to reshape the world. The colonizer who should have been the villain is seen as a Good Guy After All, while the indigenous person who wanted to remake the world for vague reasons (because perhaps they didn’t want to even question the colonization happening?) is seen as the definite villain who teamed up with PokéSatan in an attempt to conquer PokéGod.

And I just have to say, I think that’s a really bad look.

[penfullofwordsaheadfullofstories]

So We Refuse To Take it Tragically

A/N: I’ve just accepted my fate is to be obsessed with this man, so here’s yet another Obi-Wan fic. There will be a second part to this, and I’m thinking a mini series of in-between moments. I won’t give spoilers, but this is NOT my normal type of fic, but he’s an exception to every rule in my book, apparently. Thank you to @caffeine-in-an-iv​ for being my beta on this, I don’t know where this would be without you!

Thank you also to @beskars​ for her post here that birthed this. Always blessing us with fuel for the thirst. 

And to the one I know IRL that found my tumblr, one I will refer to as Top Voice, this is your final warning to gtfo before feasting your eyes on unprecedented filth and sap. 

Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi x Force sensitive! Fem Reader (no Y/N)

Warnings: SMUT!!!  Cumeating, hair pulling, Comfort Sex, ANGST!! (It has a happy ending later, I promise, but it starts after ROTS, so it’s par for the course) If you’re gonna write not-particularly-pertinent-to-plot-porn, might as well make it unnecessarily detailed, right? As usual, too many feelings for porn,  More warnings will be in the tags to prevent spoilers 

Title from one of my favorite quotes: 

“Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.”

-D.H. Lawrence

Tatooine is no place for a baby.

 There are no soft surfaces, nor comforts, nor surplus of anything. It’s desolate and deprived and oppressive, but you watch as Obi-Wan shields the child from its harsh, sand-pelting winds with his whole body, despite the fact the child fits in the space between his wrist and elbow. It’s overzealous, but you don’t say anything of it.

 The past two days have ripped away nearly everything he held dear, insisting on devastating every tender place. Nothing sacred has been left untouched.

 He broke the code long before he met you, and you know part of why his love for you came so easily, why he had no qualms with breaking his vows, was because he’d long since loved the man that became his family in every way that matters.

 Love and Light so tightly knit together the fabric of his being one could not be separated from the other. 

 And you could take on the entire Force with your two fists for how it had rewarded him for it with Hate and Darkness coming from someone so close it shattered something foundational in Obi-Wan. 

 Yet even now, there isn’t Darkness surrounding his signature. There’s brokenness and his ever-present equilibrium has been replaced by jagged shards. But despite it all, those rugged pieces still reflect light erratically in their shine.

 It’s a loss and betrayal that spans many different planes: on one level, there’s nowhere you look in the galaxy beyond just the two of you that isn’t marked by the Empire’s rise in power, marking the end of the Republic he fought for and the fall of the Jedi, his community, comrades, and only home he’d ever known. And on another level, you’ve seen the weight of war and worse in Obi-Wan’s eyes, but nothing, nothing like this.

 The pain is panoramic, but it’s also profoundly personal.

 Even still, his attention isn’t on himself, but on the fussy bundle in his arms.

 You wonder: is it the galaxy that doesn’t allow this man time to heal? Or is it his own choice to throw himself into the need of others so he has a tangible reason to avoid his own torments?

 When he places the baby into the arms of the young couple, you know the times ahead will give the answer to that.

 Because there aren't the cries of the past few nights to wake either of you, there’s silence. 

 You long to fill it, to try to bridge this insurmountable void with something, anything you could say. But you know it’s bigger than you. So, so much bigger than you.

 Monumental obstacles and tremendous loss find themselves standing in the threshold of an abandoned hut smaller than your flat was on Coruscant. 

 “Well… it’s not much to look at, certainly. But the moisture vaporator seems to be in repairable condition, and we’re just far enough from town to avoid any curious neighbors. What do you think?” He turns to you, and his eyes, dark circles under and all, turn sharp in their assessment of your response. 

 “I told you. I’m going wherever you are so long as you’ll let me.” Your voice is gentle but adamant as you remind him. 

 He walks up from the living room to the threshold of the kitchen where you are, wrapping his arms loosely around your waist. “Be that as it may, I’m asking your input on where we’re going, or living, as your happiness means a great deal to me.” 

 There’s still no smile, but it’s the brightest his energy has felt since the last time you saw him before he came to your door in Coruscant days ago, whispering a rushed, heartfelt farewell, which you quickly countered with an emphatic, unshakable, “I’m coming with you.”

 You look up at him, gliding your hand across his cheek into the hair at the nape of his neck. There’s Darkness at the door of his soul that he’s fighting off every moment, and he has the audacity to speak of your happiness. 

 You don’t dare bring up his. It’s irony, at best. 

 So you smile, timid, knowing the gesture in itself might be blasphemous to the tone, but genuine all the same. “We can make a life here. I know we can.”  

 He scans your eyes, looking to find the authenticity in your statement. “Are you certain?” 

 He’s not asking about the hut anymore. Or, at least, not just the hut. 

 “Obi-Wan, I never had any delusion that any life I had with you would be easy. I thought I’d only ever be getting you in secret, sparse moments. Although I’d never, ever wish for it to be under the circumstances that it is, having you like this is better than I ever hoped.”

 There’s silence as he processes your words, then a wry twist of his features. “How I wish that your expectations needn’t be so low.”

 “No, no, that’s not what I meant.” You incline your head, trying to find the words to convey what you mean. 

 “Nothing any person or any planet anywhere has to offer me holds a candle to what I’ve found in you, nor will it ever. I’d never trade unshakable wholeness for the transience of materialistic happiness.”

 You know this has to resound with him. Is it not within the core set of values he was taught to forsake comfort in any avenue for something far greater? 

 His eyes flick between yours, gauging, and you can feel him reaching out to feel at your signature to solidify the truth. 

 If you knew him any less, you might be insulted at his questioning of your trustworthiness. But it’s not you he doesn’t trust. It’s something good willingly giving itself to him that causes his wariness. 

 The Force can have your middle finger along with your fists. 

 Then he’s relaxing into you, letting out an exhale that seems heavy with more than just air, and burying his nose in your hair for his next inhale. 

 ****

 By the end of the day, you’ve gathered enough supplies for basic necessities and to start on the repairs of the hut. You both snarf down a ration bar before shortly thereafter clearing the blown-in sand off what must have been the bed of the home. It’s a half circle indenture in the wall, and it has a dip obviously made for a mattress or cushion of some sort, but as all that’s available are the blankets bought in town today, you set to fluffing them to some semblance of comfort. 

 Fatigue pulls you into it far sooner than the suns setting. Last night was your first night without Luke, spent in a room you rented in town. Today was spent traveling to and from the hut, discussing details on what needs to be done, and you? You are absolutely exhausted. You can only imagine what he must feel like. 

 Obi-Wan secures the lock on the door before sitting on the side of the bed, looking off into nothing for a long, long moment. 

 You push up to your side, placing a hand on his back. “Obi…”

 His shoulder nudges toward your hand, but he cuts you off. “It’s going to get quite cold when the suns set, and since the stove isn’t properly ventilating yet, we’re going to have to work with body heat.”

 “I’ll try to mask my reluctance,” you retort.

 He turns his face to you then, and just a smidge of humor sweeps across his eyes before he sheds his cloak, followed by everything else until only his pants remain. You’ve long since stripped down to your own sleeping comfort level, so before he can fold his cloak along with the rest of his discarded clothing, you take it and cover yourself with it. 

 He shakes his head a little at you once he’s done, settling down next to you, throwing the covers over both of you. 

 “Tell me what you need.” You’re face to face with him, but his expression is unreadable. 

 “I… I don’t know.” He considers you as if you held the answer to the question you just asked him.

 “What about want, then? What do you want, Obi-Wan?” You wish he didn’t have his shields perpetually raised these days. It’d be so much easier to just read his energy. 

 His hand reaches up so he can stroke your cheek with his thumb. “You’re tired, darling. Rest.” 

 Ah, there it is. If the answer to the question of desire is him counter offering his own response with the fact you’re tired… 

  “So are you. But you still want.” You press your body fully against his, dropping your voice down to a whisper. “And so do I.” 

 You won’t push anymore than that, letting him take or leave the invitation. For you, it’s not even a question. It’s been four months since you last saw him. Since you’d last felt his touch.

 You’d spent the last few nights in each other’s arms, but between Luke's shrill cries and the deafening devastation of the events of the days prior, it’d been just that: sleep. Or, what tousled, disturbed counterfeit the circumstance offered you both.  

 For him, though, there’s an abysmal weariness that digs far beyond lack of sleep, and you don’t dare infringe upon him in any way.

 But there’s still a longing present, and even without his Force signature to guide you into his feelings, he can’t hide his eyes. 

 You watch the moment he makes a decision solidify across his countenance right before he presses his lips against yours. You sigh into it, letting the draw of his skin on yours pull you into orbit.

 Because that’s exactly what happens. It’s a kiss for a kiss’ sake, for flavor and fervency and the fullness of each other, but it quickly gains its own momentum when his tongue parts your lips truly. 

 It’s an acute absence. Not having his energy surrounding you with his shields so far up. But it also gives sharp attention to the press of skin against skin, makes it an anchor and an outlet for all that is still too tender to even acknowledge.

 You find grip in his hair, purposefully running your hands the opposite of the way he combs it as he takes your face in both hands and pulls you into him all the more. 

 When you both need to breathe, he only moves so far away that his lips still brush against yours on every exhale. “I..” he starts, then stops. 

 The hand still in his hair rakes through it gently, scratching your fingertips against his scalp as you wait for him to complete his thought.

 “Let me taste you,” he says at last. You know it's a question from the way he stills, waiting for permission, but it’s phrased as nothing like it. 

 You raise an eyebrow. “Is that a rhetorical quest…”

 “Oh, hush.” He’s already nudging you over onto your back, situating his body over yours, claiming your lips again. You allow yourself to sink into it, cherishing his weight over you, his hand roaming your ribcage, before pulling back to speak. 

 “I’m sorry, are you now getting on to me for my sass? Because… oh!”

 He finds a nipple through the thin fabric of your shirt, pinching softly with a small tug. 

 “By all means, continue. I was most intrigued.” His smirk is back, but it fixes you with a tinge of worry when it again proves to be a smile only skin deep.

 You place two fingers just shy of his forehead, but he catches your wrist in an almost painful clasp. The alarm casted by his expression quickly is washed away by a carefully constructed impassiveness, and your heart sinks. 

 He has to see it, because he bows his head in apology. “Not tonight.”

 And before you have any room to respond, he’s shifting himself down as he lifts your shirt up, placing a single taunting, wet kiss on each nipple before moving even further down, nipping at the skin right below your belly button. 

 He’s distracting you from what he’s not allowing you access to, and you know it, and you let him anyway. That’s what this is, isn’t it? Distraction from the barrage of the mind. If that’s what he needs, that’s what you’ll give.

 As he toys with the hem of your underthings, and you lift your hips to assist their removal, you realize it’s exactly what you need too.

 Except he apparently isn’t planning to remove your underwear at all. With a casual flick of his hand, your legs are parted and held like that with a no-nonsense sprout of Force energy. Then he’s simply pulling the cloth to the side and brings his mouth torturously closer, but stops just before contact. 

 You push up to your elbows to tell him you can’t take much of those teasing breaths he’s taking, blowing hot air against sensitive nerve endings. But when you hear his breath stutter as he just looks, unhurried in admiration, you decide against it, even as you flush at the undivided attention. Sprawling his palms out over your inner thighs, he dips down to press his mouth between his fingers, sucking not-so-gently into the soft skin, sending the flesh into tremors before he’s even really done anything to you.

 He says your name as he opens you up with his fingers, parting your folds so everything is bared to his view. You start to squirm, the exposure starting to feel a little too heady, and you’re starting to appeal with the beginning of his name when he leans forward, straight away connecting his lips to your clit. You try to thrust up into it as some shameful noise leaves you, but there’s only so much movement you have with your legs still pinned. 

 He loves to tease, so you don’t expect him to retract the energy that constricted your legs at the first resistance. Instead, he slides his hands under your ass, pulling you on to his tongue and lets you push your hips into him unchecked.

 He hums at your enthusiasm, the reverberation sending your hands into his hair again, which gifts you with even more noises from him. 

 It doesn’t take long at all, and you’re coming undone on his tongue, biting into your forearm to dampen your cry. 

 He doesn’t stop until you push at his shoulder, signaling your tender surrender. He obeys, looking up at you from between your thighs, absolutely besotted, eyes shining a shade brighter than before. 

 Then. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps his eyes on yours before dipping his head and tilting his jaw, running his beard right where you’re still open and vulnerable, abrasion grating in a way you know you’ll be feeling all day tomorrow. 

 He licks his lips as he moves back up to kiss you again, letting you taste yourself on him. 

 He goes easily when you gesture for him to lie on his back so you can straddle him, carefully avoiding any contact where he’s throbbing for you. His hands fall right to your waist, stroking gently as he waits for you to initiate. 

 You focus your study on the section of his hair that’s fallen in his face, twirling a finger in it, happy to have anywhere to look but his eyes. 

 He’d normally at least be in your mind by now, and even though you understand it, well, the drought of it is as appropriate for the planet as anything. 

 You remember too late to raise your own shields against any accidentally too-loud thoughts, as Obi-Wan cups his hand on your chin, forcing your gaze to his, saying your name quietly in calling.

 “You have to know, it isn’t anything to do with…”

 You interrupt him. “No. No. I won’t have you addressing my insecurities of all things in light of…”

 “Please listen, love. I need you to know, it hasn’t anything to do with the love I have for you. That hasn’t changed and never will. I think I need… “ He pauses, solemn in thought. “Time,” he finishes finally.

 You knew this already in the pit of your stomach, but hearing him say it, hearing him affirm that it isn’t you insufficiency… you hate that you needed it as much as you did. 

 And if he needs time? That’s what you’ll give. But he also has a want, evidenced by the brush of him against you when you scoot yourself down his torso. 

 You take the hem of his pants with you when you continue down, ridding him of them and his shorts. But when you wrap your hand around him and begin to lower your mouth, he grips your chin again, shaking his head. 

 “I can’t… please, just.”  It’s always an anomaly when he’s at a loss for words, usually ever-so articulate.  

 A gasp chokes out of you when you feel the phantom of his mind. Not in full, no. With barriers, and it’s projected out, not at all the same sensation to being within it. 

 It’s desperation. For how long it’s been, for how drained he feels, how he’s not sure how long this will last, and how much he yearns to be inside you.

There’s not even a second of debate in your mind as you take your position on his lap again, lifting your hips, intention apparent. He takes his cock in hand, holding steady so you can start to seat yourself onto the thick push of him. 

 The hitch in his breath is your only warning before he seizes the undersides of your thighs, halting you from taking him any further.

 His eyes are tightly shut, and you know from watching him before that his facial expression is an attempt at borderline meditation, except it’s several long seconds before he achieves anything resembling calm. 

 It’s as good a time as any to push his hands off you and squirm around to take him a little deeper. You plan on rubbing your victory in, but your smirk is wiped away with a whine at the elation. Instead of stopping you again, he almost imperceptibly thrusts up, and it’s your turn to falter, slamming your hands into his chest, nails digging in, working against your weight trying to pull you down onto him. 

 It goes on like that, until you’re both bordering on hysteria before you’ve even fully taken him. You can’t figure out if it’s a worse torment to keep delaying or continuing. 

 Obi-Wan seems to have come to his own conclusion to that, as he finally opens his eyes, locking them with yours as he places his palms flat on the tops of your thighs and pushes down until your skin is flush with his.

 You pull a hand up, biting on your fist, trying to stifle the exclamation in your throat.

 He pulls it away, voice ragged as he speaks. “I want to hear you, little one. We needn’t hide anymore.”

 It’s a dimensional statement. For one, no one is around for miles, a stark contrast to your quarters on Coruscant where you at least attempted to be considerate of your too-near neighbors when it came to noise. For another, it’s the irony of being in hiding from the Empire, but being allowed to be open in your relationship with each other finally.

 And the deepest irony is that you both have your barriers up so firmly right now all you can concentrate on is bared skin.

 Oh, but what a beautiful spanse of bared skin he is. Freckled and almost luminously pale, bending and curving with the strength of the form underneath.

 He sits up slowly, generating a breathless plea from both of you at the new angle. A search of your eyes asks you a question, and you’re nodding, kissing him with the full brunt of your craving. 

 You slide up and then down again just as he drives up, and you’ve found your rhythm, just like that. 

 His hands push you onto him every time you pull up, and his tongue laves your breasts, sucking and biting along your collarbone, as you rake your nails down his chest, over the backs of his shoulders, his scalp, anything you can touch. 

 It’s enough to send him into a chorus of groans, shoving himself hard up into you.

 He doesn’t even speak it aloud, just projects the apologetic warning that he’s on the edge.

 When his thumb finds your clit, everything in you goes tense despite the relief. You clench around him, hard, and he instantly moves his hands to your shoulder blades pulling you flush against him as he lets out an unrestrained sound against your breasts. 

 You push his thumb away from where it’s stilled against you, replacing it with your own. His fingers twitch in their bruising grip, and you can feel him throbbing inside you.

 You stay like that for a moment, just letting him ride out his bliss, whispering sweet affirmations into his hair.

 When he looks up at you again, his eyes are glassed over. You wonder if it’s ecstasy that is the cause, or something from the bedrock boiling to the surface. 

 He doesn’t give you a chance to elaborate, flipping you over on to your back. The moment he withdraws, you can feel the mess dripping down your inner thighs. 

 It takes everything in you to not come at the sight alone as Obi-Wan dips further down your body, parting you and lapping his tongue right where you’re weeping evidence of desire. 

 You know you have to be making a mess of his face and beard, but he certainly doesn’t seem to mind, indulging on his own spill infused with yours. 

 When he adds two fingers in you and curls them strategically, searing heat shoots through your lower stomach as you arch against his mouth, his name a high whisper with absolutely no suppression, echoing across the empty stone walls of the home. 

 He leaves a final tender kiss against you before lying down next to you, pulling you into his arms, and you pull him into yours right back when your limbs remember how to function.

 His head drops against yours, and his eyes flutter shut, taking a deep inhale, like he’s trying to fill his lungs with more than just oxygen. 

 Nothing is fine, and the world is crumbling. But right now, as the suns finally leave the house in dark, as you clasp each other in tight embrace, as sleep pulls you under, you can pretend it’s fine. If only for a moment.

 *******

  There’s a flash of feeling that startles you awake and into the disorientation that comes from waking in a new place. The sensation worsens when you feel the reverberations of the equivalent of a slammed door in the Force. 

 You sit up quickly and look over to Obi-Wan, who sits on the side of the bed, head in his hands, fingers brutal in their grip.

 You move toward him, and he turns around at the sound. “Go back to sleep, darling. it’s nothing.”

 When you fix him with a gaze that essentially translates “bantha fodder,” he just lies back down, pulling your back into his chest, and you doubt the fact you can’t see his face like this is a mistake. 

 The rhythm of his breathing betrays the fact he is nowhere near sleep, but you find yourself fading off soon again anyway.

 ****

 When you wake in the morning, you’re alone in the bed, which is no surprise. He’s not one to lounge, and if the height of the suns peaking through the window has anything to say, he’s already been up for a while.

 His cloak is still tangled in the blankets, though, and you wrap yourself in it, padding outside after doing something about your morning breath. 

 The hut is situated on a cliff, overlooking a barren valley. The suns glare with their unrelenting eyes of heat even so early in the day, and you stare back as best you can without squinting, daring them to do their worst. They know nothing of the misery that’s already visited this home. They have no hope of competing. 

 You find Obi-Wan cross-legged near the edge of the cliff. Cross-legged and levitating. 

 Of course, you know he can do things like this. It’s just such a different thing to see him doing it . You’ve never had a proper morning with him like this, seeing his routine. He was always up before the sun, you with him, gathering moments and soaking them in before he had to leave again.

 He looks almost peaceful now, not at rest, but peaceful. 

 How?

 How does he still have so much trust in the Force? 

 A more lighthearted thought emerges through the grim train, as you notice he’s opted to not put his tunic back on yet. 

 It doesn’t matter out here, you suppose, there isn’t any other living being for miles around. For that matter, you wonder why he even left the pants. 

 His voice damn near startles you, not even opening his eyes to address you. 

 “Although that may be the case, there are some locations more bearable to get sunburn than others.”

 You blush at being caught, and gently ensure your thoughts aren’t accidentally projected again, but he doesn’t give you much time to dwell on it.

 “Join me?”

 As he opens his eyes and descends the couple inches down back onto the ground, you feel your heart do the same. He’s taught you little things, here and there, and you’ve enjoyed it, learning to tap into that constant humming you never had the tools to channel before.

 But now? 

 What interest do you have with The Force that failed the man who served it without fail? You could burn it down for the atrocities it’s committed even in negligence against the man you love.

 But there’s been enough burning.

 Obi-Wan won’t speak of what transpired on Mustafar, but you’ve caught glimpses. Last night wasn’t the first night you’ve had him back, and it wasn’t the first you’d woken to a severe troubling in his aura. 

 You’re still not sure if Luke is a fussy baby or simply a very responsive one, as it seemed Obi-Wan was already awake before Luke started crying. 

 It was only mere seconds before his shields came slamming down, firmly in place, every time. 

You can’t tell if he’s trying to shelter you from his feelings or blockade them away from himself.

 Maybe both.

 But those seconds? They’re long enough. For just a flash of a charred, severed body. Of hateful, pleading, golden eyes. 

 There’s been enough burning. 

 “I can’t ever be a Jedi, Obi.” 

 “That’s not what I’m asking of you.” 

 He knows your criticisms as well as your compliments over the Jedi. You’ve both discussed it at great length many times, always over a firm understanding and respect, but you’ve never really had long enough to have a conclusion. But you’re not going to push now, not with the fall of it all still so close behind him. 

 “I should think our relationship itself is testimony that I don’t inherently agree or adhere to all Jedi teachings.”

 You drop your eyes, trying to ignore the sweat starting to trickle down your skin from the relentless heat. “I thought maybe you were with me in spite of your better judgement.”

 His brow furrows. “At first, that’s what I may have thought too, but it made itself clear that although what transpired between us was forbidden by the Code…” he trails off for a moment, almost hesitant. “...the way Light was and is exemplified any time I have you in my arms presented a solidified case that not always is the Jedi way synonymous with the will of the Force.”

 He says it wholeheartedly, but you can tell it pains him. It’s easy to never speak ill of the dead, either of individuals or groups. To glorify and wipe away any transgressions to ensure their memory sparkles as you grieve it. 

 The harder thing is to grieve everything, both the good you lost and the bad you experienced from the same source.

 And there’s another level there. Something that has him patting the spot beside him and giving a heartbreakingly forced smile.

 Even through it all, wariness of aspects of his own religion included, he seeks unity with the Force without reservation or resentment.

 You don’t fight him anymore. 

 The war is over, but the battle has just begun, and so help you Maker, you’re going to fight for him to have the chance to heal. 

 So you sit, mimicking his position. 

 When he smiles again, it’s much smaller but not at all fake. 

 “First, clear your mind.”

 *****

 The days are afflicted with an underlying gloom, full of work that busies the hands but leaves the mind to wander, which wasn’t at all a luxurious thing. 

 But the nights are filled with unclaimed time, time in an abundance you never had with each other before. 

 Sometimes it’s shot with silence from the weight of the day, reveling in the presence of another as you work together on the supper dishes.

 Or sometimes there’s almost an excitement, despite the labor ahead, of the plans for the place that’s now your home. 

 “Wouldn’t we have to have some sort of larger equipment to hoist that over the cliff edge?” You wonder aloud to Obi-Wan, speaking of the replacement unit for finally getting some very basic temperature control for the hut. “The way around back is too rough and would scratch it up, and I, for one, wouldn’t want to try pushing it up manu…”

 You stop at his smirk he’s trying to hide with tilting his tea cup higher over his lips. 

 “...Or there’s a Jedi solution to this problem that requires neither, and you’re just letting me ramble on anyway.” You punctuate the end of your statement by tossing a pillow his direction, which just stops. Midair. 

 There’s so much legend surrounding Jedi, you haven’t really been sure what’s factual and what’s fairytale. 

 You certainly knew of some of his abilities, but he didn’t tend to elaborate on details of his missions before, and you never argued, knowing it was a liability for you to have that kind of information if anyone ever found out what you meant to Obi-Wan.

 He chuckles, not even trying to look a little guilty. 

 Once you remember to shut your mouth, you get back to planning. “And that same principle just applies to objects of any size?”

 He nods. “Same principle, just more concentration required.” 

 You tuck your feet under you on your chair as you think on that for a second. You’ll have to ask him to teach you that one next. Mediation alone could get rather dull.

 “So, for instance, if a great amount of concentration is being spent Force-lifting an object up the cliff, it would leave a Jedi vulnerable to, say… projectiles thrown?” You throw another pillow at him, which just as easily halts next to the other, gravity defiant. 

 He could have lowered the first one by now. You raise a brow at the knowledge he’s putting on a show for you. 

 “You’ll have to do better than that, I’m afraid.” 

 More often than not, the time of the evenings are spent loving and lounging in sheets, savoring the difference of unhurried lovemaking, with no heart-wrenching farewell on the horizon.

 But every time you gently ask to reach his mind, he pushes the request and your hand away.

 *******

 Obi-Wan’s visits to see Luke are met with a level of hostility. The man, Owen, seems wary of him, doing everything he can to cut the visit short as you and the woman, Beru, if you remember correctly, look silently to each other for some relief in the tension.

 They already likely know his actual name, but you’re careful to only address Obi as “Ben” here, along with everywhere else that isn’t your hut. It’s precautionary, but if it’s for the sake of protecting Luke and Obi-Wan himself, you’ll do it without any further questions.

 But Luke seems to be doing well, and that is ultimately what matters most. It’s hard to believe how quickly he’s grown in the mere weeks that you’ve been here.

 The boy might be by far Obi-Wan’s greatest purpose being on this planet, but it’s not his only. 

 Master Yoda had given him Jedi texts, yes, but also another task for his time here. 

You’re thankful to talk about either, as it seems to be one of the few things he’ll open up to you about as it pertains to himself. 

 But when he goes to meditate alone, calling for his mentor, his father in every right of the term, he comes back more empty than he left. 

 When you look at him with a too-knowing look, too infiltrating for his comfort, he easily slides into a quip.

 “My old master, it seems, won’t appear unless on his own terms. I’m not sure what else I expected, honestly.”

 ******

 You also learn that the man does not cook. Not that you consider yourself an expert, but at the very minimum, you know how to use spices, which on Tatooine come as hot as their weather.

 “Is it a Jedi thing to have tasteless food, or is that just you?” You tease as he dices some sort of root at your direction while you sift through the cabinet. 

 His eyes are full of mischief when he’s quiet for a moment before speaking up. “I would argue there’s concrete evidence that I’m quite happy to indulge in the pleasures of taste.”

 You can’t help your blush as his very pointed look. 

 Dinner is long forgotten after that, but the night is delectable all the same.

 *****

 Something has shifted in your own Force signature. Something you can’t put your finger on. 

 It doesn’t seem harmful or threatening in essence, but it makes you wary in a way that makes your skin itch with more than the dryness. 

 You try not to think much of it. After all, there’s plenty to do between tending to the vaporator, hunting, fending off the Sand People, and your learning to wield the Force.

 After rumors of Tusken raiders being nearby, you ask Obi-Wan to teach you combat.  This would be starting long before he normally would teach someone, he explained, but he does it anyway. It’s not exactly using the Force at first, having to start with how to even move your body in the event of attack, slowly enhancing those skills with the Force as you become more confident in them. 

 You look forward to it more than any other task. It gives you a strength you haven’t had before, and it’s a whole different level of connection to the Force when you trust it physically, not just in your mind. 

 It’s also another level of trust with Obi-Wan, knowing he’d never hurt you even as he enters the role of a potential threat, guiding you through how to handle it.

 So you don’t know why today your stomach won’t agree to the way you want your body to move. You push through it anyway, despite Obi-Wan’s concerned questioning. 

 You lose your lunch into the rocks, and you really wish he wouldn’t pick you up to take you back into the hut, because the shift of what’s up and what’s down doesn’t help at all. 

 And you wish he wouldn’t dote over you the rest of the day, as if you didn’t feel useless enough already, as if the illness didn’t leave as quickly as it came. 

 You make a mental note to ensure you don’t let yourself become dehydrated again to that point.

 *****

 The trips into town are kept to a minimum, trying to keep curiosity away from the new couple. Also, there wasn’t much to do except barter and spend credits, something you both tried not to do a great deal of. 

 Obi-Wan was sent off with enough Republic credits to get you started here, but it was hit or miss if the vendors took them that day, and he also didn’t want to spend too much at once.

 Nothing was more suspicious than surplus here.

 The woman you brought the limited produce available from seemed… different this trip. 

 Obi-Wan was a couple of stalls down from you, negotiating with a man who had obviously jacked up the price on the items needed. Poor man didn’t know what he was in for. 

 You turned your attention back on to the woman in front of you, and tried to decipher what was different this time and why it felt so familiar. 

 As you pointed to a basket of hubba gourds, inquiring of the price, she gave you one that you knew for a fact was higher than last time. 

 You counter offered the same price as last time you were here, and she firmly stated her price again. Ready to stand your ground, you go to state your price again, she puts her hand to her belly, bringing her skirt in around, revealing a small bump. 

 “Can’t afford your low-ball offers with this one on the way, understand?” 

 The sky suddenly falls around you in thunderous clamor as the physical realm around you moves on, unaffected and unreachable. Almost mechanically, you place the credits she asked for on the table, not even capable of addressing the obvious manipulation.

 Understanding drenches you in its brutal weight as you realize the source why she felt so different this time. 

 Your hands shake in their clasp on the basket as you pull yourself into a side alley, heaving your breakfast up. 

 Because you recognize the same difference in her is the exact same one that has changed your Force signature.

 It’s because there’s a flickering light of another being’s Force signature within you. 

  Tagged as requested: @maybege​

[boxedblondes]

killing eve fic recs

since we’re all yearning HARD after the s3 finale, i thought i’d share some of my personal favorite ke fics (in alphabetical order by author) to maybe, possibly, help fill the void until season 4!

we tried the world; good god, it wasn’t for us by agentpolastri (@topeve)

rating: G

warnings: major character death

summary: They jumped together. When do they not?

↳ i never ever ever read fics with a major character death warning, but mei is just such a fantastic writer i had to give it a try. this fic is SO exquisitely beautiful and heartbreaking. i’ve read it several times and it never fails to punch me square in the chest. i don’t have enough words to express how much i love this piece.

i don’t have a choice (but i’d still choose you) by agentpolastri (@topeve)

rating: T

warnings: major character death

summary: It’s the ending they didn’t want, but knew was coming anyways.

↳ well....... she did it to me again. idk what else to say about this except the line “she feels like a sunset.” makes me craaaaaazy

(if you need something a little happier after these fics, i could be your excuse for a lover is also wonderful)

this is what you wanted by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Villanelle goes to Alaska. Set after the season two finale.

↳ essentially v goes to alaska and absolutely hates it. a creative, funny, and lighthearted take on what could have happened post-s2.

you know i'm such a fool for you by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr​)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Eve waits. Villanelle hallucinates. Set after 2x02.

↳ this was one of the first KE fics i ever read, so it holds a special little place in my heart. short, sweet, and very, very gentle.

Tell Me by dollsome (@dollsome-does-tumblr)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: Eve and Villanelle catch up on what they've missed. Set right after 3.08.

↳ essentially, the girls FINALLY have a conversation about everything they haven’t talked about. a soft, cathartic little fic to fill the post-finale hole in all of our hearts.

touch and go by etymology

rating: not rated

warnings: none

summary: “Why are you in my hotel room at 3 a.m.,” says Eve. “I could not sleep,” says Villanelle, shrugging. Eve narrows her eyes. “Are you kidding me.”(Or, the one where Eve keeps hiding Villanelle from the authorities.)

↳ also one of the first KE fics i ever read. this one is short, soft, and gets their dynamic just perfect.

there are no rules when you show up here by glitteration

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff, dubious consent (kind of), ambiguously violent ending

summary: this is why we can't have nice things, darling. (eve goes ahead and hops out of the frying pan only to launch herself straight into the fire. post-s1 fic, told entirely through phone calls. working title in my gdocs was "the one with all the problematic phone sex")

↳ there is a lot of phone sex in this which, although problematic, is also very hot. the characterization in this fic is so on-point, and the dialogue is both funny and believable – which is often a delicate balance.

your body hurts me as the world hurts god by GucciAspirin

rating: M

warnings: sex stuff

summary: "I think of you when I look at the sky. I think about how we share it with so many other people - when it was clearly meant for just the two of us." // Villanelle wants closure

↳ another entry into the collection of lovely, sexy villaneve fics. this one also deals with the aftermath of the s1 finale.

tie me to your longing, I'll tie you down to mine by nextgreatadventure (@next-great-adventure)

rating: M

warnings: sex stuff

summary: These are all things Villanelle remembers. She doesn’t know if any of it meant love, but surely it meant something. It was not nothing.

↳ my comment on ao3 for this fic is: “I’m officially quitting my fic writing career because this is THE best villaneve fic out there, goodbye. :’)” and i think that’s all i need to say.

this dark world is precious to me by nextgreatadventure (@next-great-adventure)

rating: M 

warnings: sex stuff

summary: Eve dreams of so many things after Rome.

↳ this is the kind of fic that leaves you wanting more once you’ve finished reading it. it is sexy and complex and extremely well-written. i’ve reread it so many times in the past year and it’s just as good every time. 

If at last we be true by pengukat

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff

summary: My contribution to the "Eve doesn't stab Villanelle, they bone instead" repertory of works.

↳ i am.... suddenly realizing how many of the fics on this list are explicit. anyway, this one is perhaps the best sexytime villaneve fic of them all.

two wills (one mirror holding us dearer now) by poiesis (@weirddyke)

rating: E

warnings: sex stuff

summary: "I don’t want to be around you. / I don’t want to drink you in. / I want to walk into the heart of you / And never walk back out." Nico Alvarado, 'Tim Riggins Speaks of Waterfalls' – post-series, eve waits for the inevitable

↳ idk what to say about this. sometime after the s1 finale, v breaks into eve’s house (again) and they finally give into their mutual sexual attraction. it’s both hot and incredibly well-written – aka the best kind of fic.

of villages, and other places that villanelle would like to burn to the ground by silent_h (@yesokayiknow)

rating: T

warnings: canon-typical violence/death, animal death summary: canon divergence au, of course (but maybe not in the place that you were expecting)

↳ after the s1 finale, eve and v go on the run and “accidentally” take irina along for the ride. this fic is written in second person pov, and the stream-of-consciousness style is just gorgeous.

feedback loop by silent_h (@yesokayiknow​)

rating: T

warnings: none

summary: (season 2 episode 2 spoilers) the person you have called is not available. please try again.

↳ a lovely, dreamy look into eve’s mental state after 2x02. second person pov again!!!!

One Hundred Minutes of Normality by variousflumps

rating: M

warnings: none

summary: In which Eve and Oksana watch a movie. Finding Nemo, to be precise. "For the next" – Eve checks the back of the DVD case – "one hundred minutes you and I are going to pretend that the following things are true. One, neither of us is a psychopath. Two, we both strongly disapprove of murder. Three, I never stabbed you, four, you're not even thinking about stabbing me back, and five, we're dating and have a perfectly normal, healthy relationship. I need one hundred minutes of normality or my entire head is going to explode. Do you want popcorn?"

↳ THEY FINALLY WATCH A MOVIE!! (but they mostly ignore it in favor of having the world’s most chaotic get-to-know-you conversation.) funny, sexy, and incredibly full of life.

and of course! what’s a reclist without some self-promo. my own KE fics can be found right here. comments and feedback are ofc always appreciated ♥️

[ritsunaru]

palettes and princesses

hi! here’s my entry for day 5 of @doubletroubleweek. it’s a bit unique, since it’s not a one shot, but a part 2 to my fic “feeling blue” on archive of our own. before you read this, please check out the first chapter on there! my username is estrellaaa. check the reblogs for a link! no trigger warnings for this fic but major spoilers for everything after season 2! if you haven’t watched season 4 i don’t know why you’d be reading double trouble fanfiction, but you never know ;) i hope you enjoy! 🦚

Double Trouble took their assignments very seriously. Well, as seriously as they could manage. The only thing that really mattered in the end was that the money ended up in their palm by the end of the job, and their gig as Prince Peekablue certainly paid the bills. In addition to imitating the handsome heir to the throne of Pavonia, they had crafted several all identities based on random Etherians to populate the stage. The poor stage manager never seemed to notice that only one of the performers was in the same room as him at any given time, and they received an individual paycheck as each person. Considering how little a non-Peekablue performer was paid, it wasn’t a lot, but they made enough.

Unfortunately, they had been caught by the princesses and effectively held captive until the war was over. Scorpia of course had to sting them (despite all they had been through with the Horde and their mutual abandonment of Catra), and for some reason they, of all Etherians, had to react abnormally to it. They wanted to reconcile with her, but it was really their fault that she had been chipped in the first place. However, it wasn’t all that bad back in the reimagined outpost, and they were protected from the threat of being chipped (although the princesses argued that it was because they would be too dangerous in the hands of Prime)—but they were a wanderer, and rejoiced when the war had ended if not only because they would be freed.

With the royalty on Bright Moon, however, things were never so simple. In order to repay the time and people lost due to their mimicry at the Enchanted Grotto, Queen Sparkles had ordered them to track down the real Peekablue and bring him back to her castle. There was no time frame, but they would be required to check in nightly with the “Best Friends Squad,” consisting of the aforementioned Sparkles, Blondie, and Bow. Kitten had been invited, considering her and Blondie had finally become a thing, but she declined for obvious reasons. Thankfully, they had some basis for the Prince’s whereabouts. Locals reported seeing a hooded figure within Pavonia’s borders (it was technically a territory of Plumeria at the time, but Double Trouble didn’t care to get into the intricacies of land division). Sparkles seemed convinced that it was who they were looking for, and even if they disagreed, they were at her mercy.

The first week of their stay in Pavonia consisted almost entirely of observation, perfecting disguises of several locals to blend in while they got into the more active portion of the quest. Double Trouble managed to catch a glimpse of a cloaked citizen running into some secluded doorway but ultimately decided to wait a few days before breaking into someone’s living space unattended. They likely only had the one shot at identifying Peekablue; otherwise, they could be arrested for breaking and entering. Technically, Sparkles’ very mission encouraged crime, but she wouldn’t like having to bail them out.

A few more days of observation and Double Trouble had concluded that no normal Pavonian citizen wore a cloak around during their daily tasks. This left them with only one suspect, and they had to make their move when the door was still unlocked. Peekablue didn’t usually go out, except for when he purchased food from time to time, leaving few opportunities to strike. The shifter remained vigilant, however, functioning on small amounts of sleep and finally spotting the prince as he returned from a late night haul.

He looked almost panicked, checking the surrounding area to see if anyone was watching before unlocking the door. Clearly, he was still paranoid. Did he even know that the war was over? The chances were slim, but that wasn’t important right now. They shifted back into their true form, nearly breaking their ankle upon landing. Cobblestone paths really did not work with three-inch heels, but fashion is fashion. The door was ever so slightly ajar, and Double Trouble opened it as quietly as they could muster, which elicited an atrocious creak.

The figure turned as soon as the door made a sound, eyes widening as he backed against the nearest wall. Definitely Peekablue.

“Please don’t kill me, I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t hurt me!” the prince shouted, squinting and rummaging around on his bed for something. His voice grew softer, more desperate. “Please.”

The shapeshifter looked around, taking in the sight before them. The missing Prince Peekablue, long blue locks tied into a messy ponytail and wearing an oversized tunic. Upon closer inspection, he was trying to grab a pair of glasses. His living space wasn’t terribly messy, but there was barely anything there, just the essentials. He certainly had deteriorated since their last meeting.

Before doing anything, Double Trouble picked up the glasses and clunkily positioned them on the seer’s face. Once he recognized who they were, he certainly would stop resisting. Perhaps he would even greet them with a smile. They were still waiting on that next Princess Prom, which had been graciously awarded to Frosta as retribution for what had happened with the Horde at her first ball. Scorpia had been promised the one after that, but that was long in the future, and they didn’t like planning ahead.

Much to the shifter’s shock, the prince only struggled further, shoving them away and blushing a deep violet. “Get your hands off of me!” That certainly wasn’t the reaction they were hoping for, but they could work with it. That was one of the many things they prided themself on—masking their true emotions in favor of a very convincing facade—so they plastered a smirk on their face and set to molding this interaction, an artist in their own right.

“Darling, really, you live like this? I would’ve expected better from the prince of Pavonia—but then again, you aren’t really the prince of anything anymore, are you?” Double Trouble made themself comfortable on the edge of his bed, watching as he finally caught up with the situation. It was a little amusing, seeing him so disoriented, but it wasn’t like he would normally be any more sociable. The old man glasses suited him, though.

“Wait, you?” Peekablue finally made out the intruder, and it was definitely not who he was expecting. Why would Double Trouble want to see him again? All he did was waste their time at Princess Prom years ago. Not to mention the rampant identity theft he had witnessed on their part. “How did you even find me here? Show me your neck.”

The reptile burst into a theatrical laugh, throwing their head back. “Oh, haven’t you heard? Big Brother took a tumble. Whole empire’s gone. I heard She-Ra used all that new magic to plant some trees around the ships. Oh, and Blondie finally got together with Kitten. Did you see them at Princess Prom? I have no idea how they couldn’t realize earlier.”

Peekablue stood still for what felt like hours. The war was over, Horde Prime had been defeated, and he was still here? As for “Blondie” and “Kitten,” those names had no significance to him. He figured that was a question for a later date. There were more pressing matters to attend to. “Why are you here? To kidnap me for ransom?”

That same laugh chimed through the room, and the prince felt his heart melt. “Oh, not exactly. I’m on assignment from Bright Moon. Repayment for my war crimes. Sparkles wanted me to find where you were hiding and bring you back to Bright Moon. I’m getting paid, so I suppose you could call this kidnapping for ransom. No need to worry, darling, I treat my captives well. But if we’re going to be bringing you to an audience before the Queen, we have got to deal with all of this.” Double Trouble gestured vaguely at the man before them.

“You’re supposed to be kidnapping me.” The gravity of the situation finally sunk in, and Peekablue’s heart rate spiked almost instantly. “Just get it over with. Please.”

Double Trouble raised an eyebrow. “Me-ow. I didn’t think you would’ve developed a death wish in solitary.” The prince scrunched his face defiantly, but the shifter didn’t budge. “Let me make this clear. If you want to have an audience with Sparkles, you have to let me make you look presentable. To be considered a prince, you have to look like one, and I have to say, solitary chic really isn’t working for you.”

“What are you going to do if I say no?”

“Darling, no isn’t an option. Now, where do you keep all of your things? We have a lot of work to do.”

Peekablue didn’t like the idea of Double Trouble wielding a pair of scissors near his neck and face, but they were insistent. What did he have left to lose? They were the only one who had bothered to check in on him, and they hadn’t threatened him at all. “How do I know I can trust you?” 

“You can’t, darling. That’s the fun part.” The shifter worked gently, far more gently than the prince would’ve imagined. They seemed to know what they were doing. Perhaps that was something they had learned from their shapeshifting—the delicate intricacies of the body, the exact way the vocal cords of a person develop their voice, the way that the composition of muscle contributed to strengths and weaknesses in combat. Any other person and he would’ve been squirming in his seat, but Double Trouble had an almost soothing presence. He didn’t think they would try to hurt him.

Peekablue felt a significant amount of weight drop off of the back of his head and flinched the slightest bit. He had asked Double Trouble to go for the haircut he had at Princess Prom, but the actual experience was something different, and it was far more significant than they would probably ever know. He was finally going to see other people. He was going to be a prince again. He could see Perfuma and ask Scorpia what had happened before the Fright Zone had fallen. If the Horde was gone, would that mean that she was restored the control of her kingdom? By turning back to Princess Prom, could he repair the damage he had done?

“Hey, uh—thank you. For this. You really didn’t have to.” The seer turned back to look Double Trouble in the eyes. “I know I’m the prince everyone’s given up on, but...I want to make things right with everyone. Hiding was wrong.”

The shapeshifter flinched, pupils widening and refusing to meet his gaze. For as much as they shopped around when it came to finding a partner, the idea of genuine intimacy was one they were wildly out of touch with. It was commitment, and when they chose their profession, it was the first thing they had let go of. “Yeah, well, you enjoy that. I’ll probably head back to the Waste once I deliver you to Sparkles anyway. There’s nothing left for me in Bright Moon.”

Something shifted on Peekablue’s face, but Double Trouble couldn’t pinpoint it. He shook his head, turning back and standing up. “I can do my own makeup.”

The shapeshifter watched as he worked, erasing the dark circles under his eyes and practically becoming someone else entirely. “Believe me, darling, I know.” They hadn’t really bothered learning how to do makeup, considering their abilities, but he was likely just as good at replicating a face as they were. He had gone from an exhausted disaster who hadn’t seen people in years to someone who could pass for royalty, all with just a few creams and powders. Blue finished with that same shade of lavender lipstick and a pair of contact lenses and stood, shoulders rising as he inhaled sharply.

Wordlessly, he walked to the closet, pulling out the infamous outfit and making his way to a separate room. This was it. Put on a leotard and a jacket and it would be like nothing had happened.

He wished it was that easy. He had a lot to fix. He would probably never be the same person he was before all of this. Peekablue eyed the binder staring back at him from the other side of the room, weighing his options. On the one hand, Double Trouble had said that he needed to look like a prince for his audience with Princess Glimmer (he assumed that was the identity of “Sparkles”). On the other hand, he hadn’t worn his binder in years, and he didn’t really feel uncomfortable without it. What were the rules for this kind of thing? Turning away from the binder, he dressed in the outfit, finishing with his shoes and holding the jacket in his hand as if it would disappear the moment he let go. What was he waiting for?

Prince Peekablue pulled his arms through the sleeves, smoothing out any wrinkles. That was who he was again. A prince. He stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him, turning to Double Trouble.

A blush rose up and covered Double Trouble’s face, and they didn’t even attempt to hide it. For the first time in years, the shapeshifter was rendered speechless. It was like nothing had changed, and they were just going to continue their conversation. The Horde wouldn’t have shown up, and they could have maybe shared a dance.

Neither of them spoke on the walk through the shadows of Plumeria and back to Bright Moon. By some miracle, Blue’s jacket wasn’t torn to shreds by briars, and after a trek through the foliage, they stood on a ledge looking out on Bright Moon Palace. The prince instinctively grabbed for Double Trouble’s hand, and despite their initial reaction, they didn’t let go. The two walked across the bridge, grip tight and steps succinct, arriving at the doors after what had felt like an eternity. Double Trouble confirmed their identities and led him through a labyrinth of hallways, stopping only before what Peekablue knew was the throne room.

Double Trouble pulled him close, whispering, “You still remember how to address royalty?” The prince had to stop himself from laughing. He doubted that they would even consider using formalities, regardless of the stature of the person they were speaking with.

Prince Peekablue rounded the corner, dipping into a low bow and holding for three seconds before raising his head to gaze upon the throne.

“Your Highness–” he rasped, managing to maintain his composure despite the difficulty breathing he was experiencing. “Queen... Glimmer. My condolences.”

“Thank you, Prince Peekablue. Thank you, Double Trouble. You’re dismissed now.” Without any sort of formalities, the shapeshifter complied, sauntering off and leaving him alone to face the younger woman. “Prince Peekablue. How do you intend to answer for your inaction during the war against the Horde?”

“By putting all I… all I have into my kingdom. I’d like to… strengthen our trade agreements with Salineas and Bright Moon, and I’d like to assist Plumeria in whatever way Princess Perfuma requires. I’d also like to offer my services to other kingdoms, to protect against any unprecedented threats. That is, with your consent, your majesty.” The prince took another deep breath. Glimmer was younger than him, but she also had more power and was far more intimidating. “I think I could be of help to the Princess Alliance… if you’d let me join. Hiding was cowardly, but I choose to do everything I can to help Etheria from this moment on.”

Glimmer’s stern gaze broke, and a smile took the place of her frown. She stood from her seat, stepping down the miniature platforms and approaching him. She stuck out a hand, and he accepted it, shaking gently. “Thanks, Peekablue. We really need you.”

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

‘always and forever, lara jean’: a bungled mess of my thoughts while watching the movie

Alright, cards on the table: I never finished reading the book. I got bored a couple of pages in, so I just read up the summary on Wikipedia and called it a day.

Not gonna lie, I expected better from the movies. I loved the first movie; it was cute, it was fun, it hit all the right places. The second movie was… eh. Jordan Fisher is cute, so that’s a plus.

And then we got the third movie; the final in the To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before trilogy.

And it was somehow even worse.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Despite its shortcomings in the plot and character development-related departments (the fact that Lara Jean wrote addresses for letters she never meant to send is something that will bother me on my deathbed), the movies have their merits. They’re cutesy and charming and enjoyable, overall; movie-LJ is sweet and unashamedly a girly-girl, which is a refreshing change from the #NotLikeOtherGirls, pick-me girls and bruh girls we had in loads of other YA movies growing up. Peter’s pretty cute, too; he’s not a possessive freak like so many other love interests (The Kissing Booth, After, Anna and the French Kiss), and his and Lara Jean’s dynamic is cute, too. Not to mention- we finally have an Asian lead whose Asian-ness isn’t the whole focus of the story!

Again, maybe I’m being extra with all this. The series is, at its core, solely for entertainment purposes. Not every piece of media has to have an underlying message and you shouldn’t need to read between every goddamn line to find something worthy of enjoying. They’re certainly helpful for whiling away a couple of hours; perfect for bingeing with a pint of ice cream in hand, and all of this is in good fun.

Also, it goes without saying, but: spoilers ahead.

The film beings with Lara Jean scribbling a postcard to Peter while she’s in Korea with her family. The inclusion of that little snapshot of Asian culture made me so happy- seriously, fuck everyone who says diversity in media doesn’t matter. I’m not even Korean, and I was overjoyed at seeing a couple of scenes just from the same continent I’m on. The K-pop music in the background was a fun touch, too (although all Korean music isn’t K-pop, but that’s a rant for another day).

(Also: Blackpink has so many more suitable songs than Pretty Savage that go with the theme of the movies. Kill This Love in the second movie while Lara Jean is getting ready to go to her boyfriend’s match is bad enough- they’re supposed to be in love in that scene, goddammit.)

One thing that bothered me throughout the movies is how obviously non-Korean Lara Jean and Margot look. It’s like whoever chose the cast went for any random Asian- Lana’s Vietnamese and Janel Parrish is half-Chinese, and it’s so obvious. You seriously couldn’t find two Korean-Americans who even vaguely resembled each other so they could pass for sisters? The actresses do a stunning job and I don’t want to shit on them, but I just wish they didn’t go with the ‘all Asians look the same, what’s the difference?’ mindset.

Also, a nitpicky thing I’ve noticed in movies with characters who read a lot: no one holds their books up while they’re reading. Your arms start to cramp, which is why you keep your book in your lap while you’re reading, or you rest on your belly and hold the book in front of you. My spine and shoulders didn’t suffer years of torture as a chronic reader for you to include characters who hold their books up while reading.

A major gripe I have with Always and Forever, Lara Jean is how the characters are almost jarringly out of character- not from the books, but from the two previous movies, too. Lara Jean didn’t have much of a character to begin with, so I can’t say much about her (she dissed Oasis at one point; it’s okay for me to be mean to her), but the rest of them are either caricatures of themselves or just totally different people.

Movie Peter >>> Book Peter. He’s almost too perfect (except for the fact that he unironically loves The Fast and the Furious, which… ew), almost too much of the ideal boyfriend. Not that my perpetually single arse would know. How do boyfriends even work? I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with one; how often should you feed it? Do you need to take it on walks?

(In the notes I’ve written towards the end of the film, I’ve complained about Peter being immature and making Lara Jean feel bad about following her dream to go to NYU. He confuses me.)

Not to mention how distractingly adorable Noah Centineo is from some angles and under certain lighting conditions (other times, he reminds me of the human version of Shrek and that bothered me). King of weird Tweets and Instagram captions though he may be, he’s got a really nice smile, and his gravelly voice is both parts sexy and disturbing.

But I digress.

I’ll never forgive the directors for what they did to Kitty and Chris- two of my favorite characters, from both the books and the movies. Kitty’s annoying to the point of being borderline unlikeable- gone is the occasionally snarky comic relief we all came to love; in her place is an annoying brat whose every line comes out forced. Also, making soap is fun; fuck you, Kitty.

Chris is essentially Dixie D’Amelio’s character from that TikToker Grey’s Anatomy ripoff; the main character in One Direction fanfiction from 2012 who doesn’t want to go to the concert but her best friend gets a ticket for her so she can’t bail but Harry Styles sees her in the crowd and falls in love at first sight and 50k of mutual pining and misunderstandings late, they get together. She’s cynical and snarky and hates capitalism and consumerism and prom (because of course she does), but secretly, she’s into it (because of course she is). My guess is that she’s there to appease all the arseholes (including myself) who accused the characters of being too one-dimensional, but it seems too out of place in a movie that doesn’t have much plot to begin with.

I really, really hate how Lucas was done dirty- throughout every single movie. Of course, it’s Lara Jean’s story so not every side character has to be fully fleshed out- but you’d think three. entire. movies. would be enough to give Lucas a bigger role than the GBF and the token black guy for the diversity brownie points. Every single time Lucas shows up, it’s to push Lara Jean and Peter’s story forward. I would’ve liked to see a romance for him pushed forward instead one for Chris- especially because he says, at one point in a previous movie, that it’s hard to find other gay boys, so it would’ve been sweet to see him find love- and Chris’s character arc could’ve been focused on reconciling with Genevieve. Instead, we see the OG Reggie from Riverdale be the one to show Chris the bright side of monogamy, and Lucas gets a date to prom as an afterthought (another darkskin black dude, so no one thinks the film is racist).

Genevieve’s character in this movie gives me whiplash. Look, I’m all for girls supporting girls- healthy female relationships are something way too many YA movies lack- but she goes from bitch queen extraordinaire to friendly the moment the next scene calls for it. Her character isn’t consistent. A redemption arc should be executed cleanly and believably; you can’t have a character be a total prick one moment and then suddenly be, “Hey, if you get into NYU, let me know,” the next.

And Genevieve’s still an arsehole to Chris; at one point, in NYC, while they’re at the NYU campus grounds (I knew that Lara Jean was going to go to NYU the moment she saw all the banners; I fucking called it), Genevieve tells Chris, “University is for people who actually have a future,” and I recoiled. I’m not the nicest of people and yet that was going too far. Chris doesn’t hesitate to shoot back a, “You peaked in high school,”, but still. Y i k e s. You can’t convince me someone’s turned over a new leaf when they say something like that.

Lara Jean’s dad (forgot his name; gonna call him Dr. Covey) is as unremarkable as ever, and his new wife (forgot her name, too… Trisha? Trina? Eh, something like that) is… unsettling. I mean, I get that they’re all loved up and twitterpatted, but there’s something about all the smiling they’ve got going on that chills me to the bone.

Also, Trisha/Trina kinda looks like TikTok’s ThatVeganTeacher and it bothers me.

Another huge problem with this movie even being made is that the series never had enough plot to continue onto a trilogy. Lara Jean’s letters are what the plots of the first and second movies revolve around; the third only mentions them in passing. The final love letter from Peter was a cute callback, but there’s a massive continuity issue with the first two movies and this last one- both character and plot-wise.

Maybe I’m not articulating this clearly enough, so I’ll use an example: take Harry Potter, for example. Harry’s main goal throughout the series is defeating Voldemort. And it takes all seven books for him to get there, to finally achieve this.

Lara Jean’s goal in the first movie changes midway; from keeping up the façade with Peter so she can avoid the crap with the rest of the letters getting out, to making her fake relationship real. It forms a bridge with the second movie; the letter that went out to John Ambrose, and her dithering between Peter and perfection (I’m not sorry). But what does the third movie have to do with any of this?

There were way too many music montages. You couldn’t go five minutes without a random pop song playing in the background, and it was annoying as hell. Don’t Look Back in Anger was w a s t e d on this stupid film. The artsy scenery shots were even worse- no, I don’t give a fuck about the New York skyline or a bird’s eye view of whatever vehicle Lara Jean is in. A few shots of Seoul would’ve sufficed; the rest was overkill. This movie is way too damn long already (almost 2 entire hours!!!); cut out a couple of those. No one cares.

I thought they’d pull the whole Aladdin trope with character-A-keeps-trying-to-tell-character-B-the-truth-about-a-lie-B-believes-in-about-A-but-B-keeps-interrupting, but Lara Jean (typing her name out is annoying, why couldn’t she have a single name, like both of her sisters?) comes clean earlier than I expected. Peter’s reaction about LJ not getting into Stanford is… uncharacteristically mature? No “Why did you lie to me?”, no accusations, not an ounce of betrayal. Which I did not expect from a guy who’s a little bitch for the greater part of book one (I really don’t like Book Peter, in case you couldn’t tell). I know fuck-all about book three’s Peter, so I can’t tell if he really did adopt this mature, well-adjusted persona, or the movie did it to make Peter seem like less of a dick (like they did it with the sextape-that-wasn’t-a-sextape in the first installment).

On a sidenote, how do these main characters in YA books get into really good colleges with zero to no visible effort? These arseholes fuck around for the entirety of the story and have way too much going on to actually do schoolwork, but they waltz into Ivy Leagues at the end. And apparently, I’m not the only one bothered by this.

There’s something to be said about how the movies don’t really sexualize minors (characters who are minors, to be fair. None of the MCs look anything like teenagers), though. It’s almost weird to see them not getting drunk and partying and having sex all the time. Maybe that’s why Lara Jean trying to get her hand on Peter’s dick felt so stilted and awkward (I cringed so hard when she kept trying to touch him and he kept pushing her hand away, holy shit).

And the kissing. It’s to be expected from a romance film, but there was so. Much. Kissing.

The amount of product placements (… actually, I could count only two: Apple and a pair of Beats headphones Lara Jean puts on at one point, but the movie shoved so many iPhones in my face that I’m obligated to exaggerate) would’ve made anti-capitalist Chris mad.

I’m guessing this all takes place in a parallel universe, sans the coronavirus. Still, being in quarantine this past year and being socially awkward for every other one, it was agonizing seeing everyone so close together in NYC. When Peter kissed the ball (lol) (I have the sense of humor of a straight boy in middle school, don’t judge me) when him and Lara Jean go bowling, I had a visceral reaction. And what are the odds of Peter meeting his estranged dad at the very same bowling alley?

Speaking of Peter’s daddy issues (I’ve written “Hardin but diluted” in my notes; I watched this movie at, like, 1 AM; I’m not entirely sure what was going through my head at that point)- I hated how they guilt-tripped Peter into giving his father another chance. In the wise words of Hannah Montana, everybody makes mistakes- but leaving your wife and two kids for another woman is pretty far from a little oopsie on Mr. Kavinsky’s part. I don’t blame Peter for hating him, and I’m not in a place to judge whether Mr. Kavinsky (does he get a first name?) should be forgiven or not, but I feel like they let him off too easy and made Peter seem like a misunderstood teenager with anger issues for not accepting Mr. Kavinsky’s (crappy) apology at once.

And it adds nothing to the story at all; Mr. Kavinsky peaces out after having one (01) coffee with his firstborn, and he’s never seen again. If you’re going to introduce a subplot, make it tie into the main storyline- the very least you could do is make it an important enough part of the story to have more than 10 minutes of the run time. It makes no sense as to why they’d bring up Peter’s dad in this last film, when he’s already gone through two perfectly fine. I guess it was a ‘tying everything up’ part… even though no one cared.

Lara Jean’s handwriting is surprisingly ugly for someone who’s written that many love letters. And her styling took a definite nosedive; her outfits in the first movie were so effing cute, but now they’re just… meh.

There are so many conversations and lines that the writers must’ve thought sounded good enough for someone to type out the quote in curly font and slap it on a screenshot from the movie to post on Instagram, but when it comes to the actual delivery, they just sounded… weird.

Peter says one time near the beginning of the film, “You know what I’m looking forward to the most in college? Never having to say goodnight,” because he expects him and Lara Jean to get into the same college.

But I guess the word they should’ve used was ‘good-bye’, because this just makes him sound stupid.

At one point, Lara Jean asks Kitty how much Kitty’s gonna miss her when she goes off to college, and Kitty says, “A four.” Later on, she confesses, “I’m gonna miss you a twelve, Lara Jean,” and all I could think was, “But we’re endgame, Archie!”

(In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t let people know I’ve watched Riverdale; it lessons my credibility.)

Still, there remains some good to be found: all the baked goods looked very delicious and made me crave chocolate chip cookies. Peter wearing the socks Lara Jean gifted him at the beginning of the movie was a cute gesture, and Lara Jean giving Peter her teal hatbox? The one she kept her love letters in? Was so? Cute? Help?

And hey, it’s a cliché that’s been done to death, but I’m always a sucker for that part in movies where the girl walks down the stairs in a pretty dress with her hand on the banister and the boy turns around and his mouth falls open and all he can say is, “Wow,”- and this film did not disappoint! Not to mention how cute both Lara Jean’s and Chris’s prom dresses were.

Dr. Covey and Trisha/Trina’s wedding was cute, too- I struggled to decide whether Kitty wearing a necklace that says ‘feminist’ and a tux is a bit too on-the-nose, but I’ve decided that it’s nothing to get my knickers all in a twist about (for clarification: it’s not the necklace or the crossdressing that made me debate this; I just wish they didn’t make a big deal out of it- I wish they didn’t have Kitty and Lara Jean get into an argument about her not wearing a dress, if that makes sense?).

And the final letter- the one from Peter to Lara Jean- I ate that shit up; it was so, so, so cute.

In conclusion (why is it so easy for me to crank out 3k about my thoughts on a Netflix movie and yet when it comes to English Lit. at school, I’d stare at a blank sheet of foolscap for ages?), did I enjoy the movie? Not really. There were parts of it that I liked, but it was overall too boring and I kept wishing I’d watched the new SKZ Code episode instead every few minutes.

But that doesn’t mean that it was bad. I kinda feel a little sad, actually, now that Lara Jean and Peter’s story has come to a close; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, the first movie, is one of my favorites, and bitch though I might about them, the kinda grew on me… like an innocent plant, at first, but then like a fungus. Not a parasitic fungus, just not mutualistic, either… kind of like a commensal.

Maybe I should stop with the biology similes.

[softcoregamer]

DRAGON QUEST XI S: ECHOES OF AN ELUSIVE AGE - DEFINITIVE EDITION

I've never played a Dragon Quest game before, so all I had to go on with this game was the pretty looking graphics and charming character art by the Dragonball guy, which- combined with having a hankering for a JRPG, a genre I haven't played since probably the Digital Devil Saga games (minus an abandoned most-of-the-way-done playthrough of SMT3 and a partial of one of the Megadimension Neptunias) was enough to sell me on it. I'm having a tough time determining if it was worth it.

(spoilers)

The story starts off very weak. Your glowing hand marks you as the chosen one, you have to collect glowing orbs to defeat the dark lord. It's like the story of a generic videogame you'd see in the background of a movie. They do throw in a little novelty to keep you on your toes- you present yourself to the king and he throws you in the dungeon, you go back to your hometown and travel back in time for some reason- but I really never warmed to the setting. It's just a collection of cliches and cute gimmicks, like the town of people who speak in haikus, the town of people who speak in rhyming couplets (you're stuck with these people for the bulk of the exposition at the start of act 2, which is a nightmare) and the town of- ugh- Italians. There's no sense of these places being places. It's just a nice pleasant fairytale kingdom of the kind that's normally mentioned in Snow White or whatever as the place the handsome prince comes from, except here you spend dozens of hours trudging through it looking for glowing tree roots and orbs. The big problem in Gallopolis is that the sultan's son isn't brave enough for god's sake. Acts 2 and 3 pick things up, and there's some neat reveals- I like that the lil red star you've been seeing in the sky right from the start was the stain of the original hero's failure to slay the villain, literally hanging over the entire setting all this time. Also the annoying act 1 scene where you get handed the name of the villain and an orb quest in an exposition dump is retroactively improved by the fact that the exposition isn't quite correct. Act 3 reintroducing time travel and actually being thoughtful about it was welcome as well, but sadly that has the effect of making you redo story points you already did since, logically, you're back in time to where you haven't done them yet. Sometimes this comes across as getting a do-over to get a more positive outcome for something that previously ended more tragically, in keeping with the way time travel is explained in-universe as essentially reloading an earlier save (and, as revealed in the end, continuing in a separate save slot). The 8th party member's act 3 quest is a standout here. In reading discussion of the game I've seen people insist on referring to this character as 8, presumably to preserve the plot twist of his existence, so I guess I'll do it too. But more often than not, act 3 quests consist of just doing the same stuff as act 2 again, in a somewhat more curt manner. This sticks in the craw after so much of act 2 already consisted of just doing the same stuff as act 1 again. The party members aren't much better, for the most part. The first three people you meet all say "ah, you're the Luminary, I was sent to help you" and there isn't much to them beyond that for a long time. Sylvando has a lot of personality, which is probably partly why he's become the game's big meme character, but it gets grating and he is insanely trite. The Dark Lord takes over the world and purges the unclean, and Sylvando's overriding concern is that he wants people to laugh and smile more. It's like he takes advantage of the fact that I need him for his boat to get my goat by acting like a fucking teletubby. Things pick way up when you meet Rab, and the 8th party member is genuinely really good. Even the early-game party members end up having their moments (Erik's backstory was pretty fun) but the game really doesn't put its best foot forward with these characters. Not that it needs to; for the first few I was just glad to be getting some help in combat. The combat is excellent in this game, when it gets going. I played with the "draconian quest" tougher enemies mode on, and I turned it off right at the act 2 end boss. The difficulty curve flowed really well this way, with act 3 enemies not feeling noticeably less tough than "draconian" act 2 enemies. The abilities and spells you get are carefully balanced so that it's very difficult to put together a perfect 4-person party, you're always missing something. This means the fact that you can change your line-up midfight isn't just a nice quality of life feature, it's a potentially vital mechanic. They tread a fine line where sometimes needing to swap people out during the battle doesn't mean the characters themselves feel useless; everyone is capable of some extremely tough stuff. And on the other end of the scale, enemy damage is heavy enough that buffing your attack and using big-damage abilities vs healing or defending can be a properly difficult choice; a heavy hit or a big heal at the right time can turn the tide of an entire battle, as can your big hitter suddenly getting put to sleep or your healer getting knocked out. Again, this is all with the caveat that I had "draconian quest" on for the first 2/3 of the game, from what I've heard combat without it is insanely easy. My big gripe with the combat is that there's very little in the way of tooltips. What's this enemy's magic resistance? Does my Sap have a better chance of landing if I up my Magical Might, or does that just increase spell damage? Does Oomphle affect Quadraslash? If I increase my agility will it go up by enough that I can take my turn ahead of these enemies? Does agility even do that? Does using abilities and spells mean I go later in the turn order vs generic attacks and defending? You just have to guess at all this; the wiki has some info on enemy stats but I don't know where they're getting it from other than datamining. There's an entire bestiary with almost no useful information which is functionally just a model viewer for all 700+ enemies. The only way to know anything is to experiment, which I guess at least adds some purpose to combat when you've filled out the bestiary for an area but still have to grid encounters- which will be required at some point, because fighting is the only way you get xp and money. There is also too much RNG. Critical hits being rare and certain attacks having a chance to cause Confusion or whatever is fine (although I'd prefer for attacks which are labelled as having a chance to inflict status effects to actually inflict the status effect way more often than they do) but why the fuck does the resurrection spell have a 50% success rate? Under what possible circumstances would I be using that spell other than needing my dead teammate back right now? Same for all the abilities on the skill tree that say "doesn't connect very often, but when it does it can cause a critical hit" OK that "CAN" is telling me that this ability which doesn't often connect won't even necessarily crit if it does. Why would I choose this ability? To handicap myself? How is this going to help me defeat the Timewyrm? All that said, when the combat is good it's really good, and whenever I lose a fight I'm thinking "I can win that next time if I do XYZ". The 2D battles are much less fun because the pace is much slower and there are no cute animations to liven it up, but it's always satisfying when the "flash" of an enemy taking damage becomes the "flash" of them disappearing, and you know you have slayed yet another blob. Non-combat gameplay is a mixed bag. The early-game fun of running around looking for new enemies to fight and fill out the bestiary wears off hard once act 2 begins and everything is either a reskin or a glowing-eyes "vicious" version of something you've already fought, and many maps are fairly sparse with just the odd treasure chest and locked door to liven up your path to the next area. That said, there are also several areas and dungeons which make a minigame out of traversing them; the Eerie Eyrie and the Battleground were standouts for me. Especially the remixed version of Eerie Eyrie you go to later on, where you get a flying mount to ride around. Crafting is surprisingly involved, with a whole minigame around it and hundreds of recipes to find all over the place. In most cases you can just use money in lieu of ingredients, which means minimal farming is required to get a lot out of the system, and the recipes with ingredients that can't be bought feel special instead of bullshit. In terms of items and recipes there really is a deluge of content- there are recipe books all over the place, with new ones available even in the last couple of maps that open up in the entire game, and there's an undeniable cookie-clicker rush you get from getting better at crafting and taking something you could barely get to +1 all the way to +3. I play games like this as a magpie, accumulating items with nice pictures and effects that make me do a 😲 face, and DQ11 certainly delivers. This even extends to character advancement, with Hidden Goodies incentivizing picking skills you might not want otherwise, and entire new skill trees opening up as quest rewards.

Overall, DQ11 is a good combat system with loot and progression systems that are well-executed enough to feel rewarding after 100 hours, all wrapped up in a style and tone that is not up my alley at all. A good litmus test for how much you'd like the game is probably: watch this scene and if you think it's the most epic thing you've ever seen then Dragon Quest 11 is for you.

[ninaahelvar]

Chivalry Fell On Its Sword (14/23)

Summary: All Arya wanted so to feel normal and go outside of the damn castle. Now, through a series of unfortunate, she’s stuck with a bodyguard that she accidentally flirted with: Gendry Waters.

AO3

A/N: HAPPY 2020! I’m so excited for angst to be over....but today is not that chapter. i can’t handle it anymore, why are you guys still reading this, it’s torture. ok. anyway. have fun! (little edited, sorry, will edit if mistakes are missed)ALMOST FORGOT! CFOIS HAS A PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY! Feel free to leave a comment with a song you feel fits, and songs should be added each week to go with the fic. there's hints to future chapters in some of those songs as well!

In the days after, Gendry felt less motivated to win back something he shouldn’t have considered his in the first place. One, she was a princess, who the hell was he to think he had a chance with her, and two, she was a person - what right did he have to claim her as his own, as part of himself? He needed to think - to stop losing sense because he was an idiot that lost everything in one night.

Yet, every time he saw Arya, he had hope. He believed there was a chance for his heart to mend what had been broken so easily in the past. He had snapped them in half, but the pieces were still scattered around them. 

With a torn heart, he got to work every day, wondering if he’d leave in hope or heartache. Most days, it was the combination of the two, fighting against one another to win over his heart. And more importantly, his liver, drinking alcohol like it were air, because what else did he have to look forward to at the end of the day. He never went to work drunk, it would be too risky, and although it hurt to be around her without the same emotions as they once had, it was better to be sober than drunk off his ass. 

In the meantime, Gendry was being the best bodyguard he could - he made sure that Arya was secure in all locations, and made sure she wasn’t putting herself at risk. She’d get annoyed once in a while, but let it slide fairly quickly.

It was strange though, just like her promise, Sansa and Gendry spoke when they could. It was being discussed that Gendry and Sandor would swap roles for a short while, with trial days to occur in order to see if it was a better image in the public eye. Both Arya and Sansa stayed indoors for these days. Gendry wasn’t entirely sure if it were planned, but he was thankful, because all the time he got to spend with Sansa, the more they got on and talked.

She was a very kind, warm and welcoming sort of person, willing to hear multiple sides instead of just the one. And yes, she was still as bitter as her sister on the whole break up thing, but he didn’t blame her. It was cruel what he did and how he did it. 

Gendry also found out two very simple things - the first was that Gendry had indeed won the bet with Arya, because Sansa’s boyfriend wasn’t who she thought, and the second was that Sansa wanted Arya and Gendry back together. 

Her father, it turned out, was a chatter box and talked to Sansa about them, about what they talked about that night. Sansa was criminally underestimated by her family, in Gendry’s opinion, because the amount of information that flowed through her was something to be rivaled by foreign countries with intelligence agencies. It wouldn’t surprise him if Sansa knew more about the secret workings of the Northern forces than she let on. As she sipped her tea, the twinkle in her eye told Gendry all he needed to know; Sansa was a woman to fear. 

“So, I know a fair amount about my sister, so I can tell you, all attempts to get her back are going to be difficult to accomplish.” Sansa picked at a plate of food that had been essentially demolished from their time sitting in her room. Gendry had seen Arya eat before - which was sickening to say the least, but when Sansa did it, it was down right frightening how fucking skinny she was. It was as though she inhaled an entire meal, probably passing through her just the same. Gendry felt like he needed to go to the gym just watching the meal disappear into her stomach. 

“I really don’t understand why you’re helping me,” he said, picking up his coffee and taking a sip. Sansa shrugged loosely before reclining back into her chair and playing with the ends of her hair. 

“Because when she talked about you, she was in love. The kind of love I see in my older brothers. I want the same thing for her, and we’ve all had it tough, so it’s only fair that you work it out,” she said, a soft sigh in her words as though it warmed her to speak of it. Then, she pouted. “Plus, I need Sandor back on my detail,” she said, and Gendry smirked. 

“Ominous, but I rarely question anything to do with him anymore because he scares the shit out of me,” Gendry admitted, to which Sansa beamed back a smile. 

“He also scares the shit out of everyone else. So, it works in my favour that he is the softest around me,” she confined with a grin that told him enough - a soft gian for only her was a special thing to keep around a princess that wanted secrets to be hidden. 

“Well aren’t you lucky,” Gendry chuckled. 

“Luckier than you,” Sansa scoffed, leaning forward, “you really fucked up. I don’t know how you’re going to get through this.”

Gendry put his coffee down before throwing himself back into his chair, sliding down as he felt a surge of self pity. “I know. But I can’t very well just ask her to get back together with me. Pathetic, especially considering that it won’t build trust back,” he explained, running his hands over his face. “I don’t know if I should even try.” He thought he whispered it, kept it so secret that no one would hear. But of course, Sansa, queen of secrets, threw a pillow at his words. 

“You can’t just give up,” she snapped, the pillow hitting him again. 

“Sansa, it’s better than dragging this out and hurting us more in the long run.” 

“You’re going to let her go because you’re scared she’ll reject you!” Sansa had some truth in her words. 

A lot of things about his relationship with Arya scared him. How did she love him in spite of everything she knew? How could someone royal love him? What if someone were to discover who he was, use it to bring him to a position he never asked for. Gendry wasn’t special. Maybe being a bastard made him feel like he wasn’t, but it still made him wonder at every turn if he were good enough to keep around. 

For what he knew of himself, he knew why he was feeling all of this all so suddenly; he broke them up - a fond respect that had been built was shattered, and however perfect it was in their little bubble, it wasn’t enough to keep the world from coming in. Losing security in such a split second, a security that was built entirely by heart, was a hard thing to recover. 

“I’m not going to break her heart all over again because I want her back! I could never do that to her again.” 

“Gendry, you have to try before you break it all forever,” Sansa tried, but Gendry’s heart had already wavered, how was he meant to stop it from beating the way it did. More than anything, he wanted to stay with Arya - but what was truly fair? To badger her into loving him again, or to drag out a break up that should have ended it weeks before hand. 

“What else can I do? Tell me! I’d die for that girl a thousand times over to see if it’d work, but that isn’t how this is going to happen,” he groaned. 

“I don’t know. You really screwed up,” Sansa said, chewing on her lip. 

“Yeah. I know that too,” Gendry grumbled, leaning forward, head in hands. For a moment, he thought he was alone, until a hand snaked up his shoulder, patting him lightly. 

“She will always love you, even if you think you will always be unlovable. I believe you’ll find your way back to safety soon.”

“Safety?” he questioned. 

“Where do you feel safest?” 

Gendry pictured it, the hand on his cheek as Arya smiled up at him. Home. Her arms. 

“There.” She confirmed with a smile and a nod, and Gendry’s heart broke again. 

He wouldn’t love anyone the way he loved Arya. 

As another week went by, Gendry’s place in the palace still hanging in the air, Arya was called in by her mother. She had staggered out of her room, hair still sticking up in odd places as she yawned. Gendry gave her the coffee he got her every morning, walking beside her slowly, guiding her around her home. The walk Arya took was uncomfortable, as though she had only just learnt how to walk that morning.

“Are you hung over right now?” he asked, staring straight ahead. When Arya groaned, she leaned on him, head kept propped up on his shoulder, legs lazily dragging her along with him. 

“Sansa wanted to watch the new season RuPaul, and...well,” she sighed, looking up at him. 

“I’m almost glad I didn’t get saddled with the night shift,” Gendry chuckled. To that, Arya jabbed him in the ribs. 

“Stop lying, you would have loved every second,” she scoffed. 

“You’re going to be two episodes ahead of me, don’t need spoilers.” To that, Arya laughed. She hadn’t laughed a lot since they’d broken up. He liked making her laugh, in his own way. It made him feel wanted by her. That there was still a chance. 

He wished, though, that his stomach wouldn’t turn when he felt that. Guilt, it seemed, still plagued him like a disease, breaking down the confident parts of him, the ones that didn’t care about rank or the future, just happiness in one moment to the next. 

Getting rid of the last remaining parts of her coffee, Arya gave Gendry back the mug and they walked into the Queen’s office. It was a very lavish office, with books lining the walls, a parallel war between the Queen’s interests on one side, and the other was duty. They were overflowing, each side balanced with the other. It fit the Queen, Gendry assumed. Unlike most of the Stark family, the Queen was quite secretive, she kept herself the picture perfect royal; stern, regal, and superior to all except the gods - old and new. 

“Arya,” the Queen started, the door opening behind them as the King walked in. Both parents kissed at Arya’s crown before they eventually took their seats. Gendry stayed near the door, watching Arya shift awkwardly in front of her parents, both sitting opposite her behind the desk. They kept their power, outnumbering her. The Queen suddenly looked up to him, and Gendry stiffened. “I’m sorry Gendry that you have to be here for this, but I do need to speak with Arya on an important matter,” she explained. Gendry’s frowned, watching the Queen. The words made him curious. 

“It is alright, Your Majesty, I’m used to following her around,” he explained.

The Queen cleared her throat, looking away from him, as though she of all people were uncomfortable. “Ah, see, it’s more about the topic of conversation.” 

“What’s this about?” Arya asked. 

“We’re setting you up on blind dates,” The King blurted, and Gendry suspected if Arya was drinking, she would have spat it across the room. 

“Ex-excuse me?” she stuttered, her hands gripping into the edge of the chair. Gendry felt his heart clench. There was a reason this was awkward. At least Gendry knew the Queen had a heart - or at least she expressed human emotions that range into uncomfortable, awkward situations. 

“To ease the transition period of you two...near each other again, we’re pursuing some dates that you can go on to steer the conversation away from you all together, Gendry,” she said, looking up to Gendry. His hands behind his back, clutched tight to one another, holding himself 

“That…” he stopped himself as he shifted his weight between the balls of his feet, “that uh, sounds reasonable, your Majesty,” he gave a nod.

“Mum, this isn’t exactly fair to either me or Gendry,” Arya scoffed. 

Gendry cleared his throat, drawing the attention of the room to him. “You Highness, your Majesty, please disregard my feelings on this matter. Whatever will be best for the royal family, I am on board with.” To that, Arya looked like she wanted to punch him - or gut him. 

“See, Arya.” The Queen smiled, though it faded when she looked at him - a wave of guilt washing over her. Gendry swallowed. “We’ll arrange the dates, as well as some public outings to give you a chance to get to know some of these Lords and Ladies,” she explained. 

Arya jolted forward. “Wow, wait, I’m being set up with Ladies? Mum, you know how I feel about noblewomen, they’re always so -” 

“One is Elia Sand,” the King interrupted, and raised his brow. 

“Okay, yeah that’s fine,” Arya muttered, settling back in her chair, folding her arms, “and the other one?” 

“Myrcella,” The Queen said next, and Arya groaned. 

“Baratheon?! Are you kidding me?!” she exclaimed. Gendry stood to the side, awkwardly trying to go unnoticed. He wanted to be like a fly on the wall, as he was always trained to do. But in that moment, he felt like he was sticking out like a ugliest statue that ever graced the halls of such a place. 

The Queen leaned forward, her hands coming together as she spoke. “She’s shown great interest in -” 

“Nope! She hates my guts, ever since I threw mud in her face when we were five,” Arya argued, reclining back into her chair, pulling away as far as she could from her mother and her demands. But, the scowl that Catelyn Stark wore better than anyone, said otherwise. 

“It’s not up for discussion. You don’t have to actually date her, just one outing and we’ll call it from there,” she said, and with one wave, that was the end. Arya trudged off, and Gendry had to follow. 

Outside the door, Arya groaned, hands in her hair like she wanted to the pull at her scalp. She continued to groan as she stumbled to the kitchen. There, she made herself a coffee and sat at one of the kitchen counters. Gendry sat opposite her, like he used to. It wasn’t until he was seated that he realised he probably shouldn’t have. But Arya didn’t seem to notice, or at least she didn’t care. 

After Arya had downed her newest cup of coffee, making herself a second and her third of the morning, Gendry got the courage he needed and spoke. 

“You complained about Myrcella, but from what I remember at Robb’s wedding, she was definitely staring at you,”  he mentioned. Before Arya could raise the mug to her lips, she stopped and glared at him.

“Shut up,” she said, drinking her newest cup, and tearing herself away, as though a thought came to her and she couldn’t wait to yell about her frustrations. “I have nothing in common with her. Only thing we’d actually find fun together is probably sex,” she explained, going back and drinking as much as her coffee as she could with an irritated look on her face.

“Please don’t say that anyone else,” Gendry said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Okay, but don’t think about it in your spare time,” Arya teased. 

“Trust me, I won’t,” he laughed. 

“Well, trust isn’t a word I’d associate with you anymore,” she smirked to herself before her expression fell, “sorry. Cheap shot.” 

“It’s fine,” he lied. It hurt to hear her say it. He knew she would have done so before the break up, but it was like a rusted knife went into his gut, tearing at his insides as she drew it out. It wasn’t fair to feel guilty, but in the end, heartache was always a blade that wounded more than just the intended person.

It took a week for the two royal women to meet. Gendry was there around their reintroduction to each other. Myrcella gave a sweet smile and giggled at Arya’s jokes, and that was all he saw. From their meeting in the palace, Gendry and Sandor swapped their roles. 

To pass the time, Sansa kept Gendry off the internet - she made him go around the whole palace twice to try and find her phone, which happened to be in her pocket the whole time. Then, she made him feel extremely uncomfortable by making him sit next to her on her bed. She was lounging around and he sat straight legged on her bed as she talked. 

After about half an hour of this, waiting for her to tell him to move - as she requested him to stay put - she suddenly kicked at his thigh. He frowned as she sat up, looking at him at the foot of the bed. 

“I will bet you twenty quid that Arya is being forced to go shopping right now,” she smirked, teasing her sister that wasn’t even there. 

“You’re saying that like you don’t wish you were her right now,” Gendry scoffed. Sansa narrowed her eyes at him, clicking her tongue against her teeth. 

“I feel as though it’s some kind of jab about me being hyper feminine compared to my sister, but you’re right,” she said, as though she wasn’t anticipating being read like she just was. 

There was a silence that hovered around them, even as Sansa smiled and went back to her phone - Gendry knew there was more that he didn’t know, that he very well could have. Sansa wasn’t much different than Arya; always willing to be a friend if given the chance. “What would you get?” he asked. 

Sansa looked up at him, frowning at him. “Shopping?” 

“Sure,” he shrugged. 

“Are you just making small talk or do you actually want to know?” she asked, a cautious look on her brow. 

“You seem fairly interesting, I want to get to know you, Sansa,” he said, honesty in his words. 

Sansa’s eyes went wide. “Fairy interesting?” Gendry shrugged again. 

“Look, I’m in love with your sister, she kind of sets a bar,” he smiled and Sansa laughed. 

“Fair,” she shrugged back, “have you seen those ridiculous denim high heels?” she asked, not even able to keep a straight face. Gendru stared in shock before the words slipped out of his mouth.  

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he howled out a laugh, holding tight to his stomach as every laugh ripped into his side, unable to hold it in. Sansa laughed hard too, kicking at his thigh again as she tried to explain. It took them a few minutes to regain their breaths to finally get the explanation. 

“I want to wear them just once to scare the shit out of Arya. it’s why I buy half the shit I wear. Just to see that girl’s reaction to horrible fashion,” she explained, falling back into her bed, giggling as she thought on it longer. Gendry scoffed out a laugh before nudging Sansa’s leg. 

“You two love torturing each other,” he said, to that, she nodded. 

“It’s what sisters do.” Sansa chuckled. 

From what Gendry and Sansa found out later, that Gendry did in fact owe Sansa twenty quid, as shopping was all over the news, and it was definitely clear that Myrcella had a thing for Arya. Even if it was brief or some kind of want of flirtation, from all the photos that were out, it seemed that Myrcella seemed keen on Arya in her own way. 

Gendry didn’t ask how far it went. He didn’t want to know. 

Another outing was planned, a date over dinner that went as fine as the first - from the gossip that Arya gave after the fact, she and Myrcella talked about their families before they were stuck back into silence. They shared a long embrace at the end of the night which got picked up by every tabloid on the planet, and that was that. Myrcella still texted Arya, asking how she was doing but they had both agreed they were better off shit talking Joffrey than they were at ever being a couple. 

After that, it was on to the next. Again, another night in with Sansa with Sandor taking his place. And as always, he was left to know the next day what happened the day or night before. He had seen the small talks of it online, the Forge their place to meet, some sort of dancing that had people gasping. 

Elia Sand was a lady of the court, not of royal blood, but was known as a noble rebel. She and Arya had many similar qualities, both a little reckless but did so for their own freedom. It was worth commending. 

The next day, with Arya in a hungover state once more, Gendry walked behind her to the kitchen. When her phone buzzed, Gendry had no intention to look over her shoulder, though it was quite easy to do so. What he found was Arya looking at a text that Elia sent, of the two women in the bathroom at the Forge, pressed in a stall and their tongues down the other’s throat.

“I see things with Elia Sand went well,” Gendry scoffed over her shoulder. Arya jumped, scrolling through her phone as quickly as she could. Across her cheeks a pinkish hue brightened her face, and panic was clear as day in her body. 

“Yeah, I didn’t expect that to get seen,” she laughed, shoving her phone in her pocket. Gendry stopped. He had embarrassed her? Fuck. He never wanted to do that. “I’m sorry about that,” she tried. Gendry shook his head, hands bound tight behind his back. 

“Don’t be. It’s not my place,” he said, clearing his throat, the lump of guilt mixing with shame didn’t make any of this less uncomfortable. From her spot, she straightened out her shoulders before walking back towards him, a sway in her hips that was her old way of flirting with him. Gendry’s mouth went dry at just the action. She shouldn’t have been allowed to do that. 

“So, what are you going to do to match up to this?” she teased. With a hammering of his heart in his chest, he felt like he wanted to collapse. It felt unfair, as though he were finally taken down to the lowest he could - that she would break him down to the man he was supposed to be a year or so ago; to have him uncomfortable from the advances of a royal princess and ignore them. It could have been malice with her words, to tease and pull back at the last second, but as he looked at her, eyes eager for the reply she wanted - an example of how he’d win her over again, he sighed and felt his self pity wash away for a moment. 

“I don’t think many would be able to match up to a kiss like that,” he scoffed. 

Arya stepped to his side, to walk beside him again, slow and wanting to waste the time that way. “But?” They wandered the halls, no longer needing the coffee that would keep Arya awake. 

“Maybe, after these public dates are over with, you and I can go out boxing? Like we used to?” he asked, chewing on the inside of his lip. He knew Arya wasn’t mean or cruel, but all his heart screamed was that he was going to be let down like he had done to her. 

“I’d like that,” she replied, and for a second, he felt every hair on his body stand on end to see that smile, “we can go tomorrow, you know? It’s not like anyone would see it as out of the ordinary, it’s what we used to do,” she suggested, looking up at him with cautious optimism. 

“If you’re happy with that, then I’m ok with it,” he nodded. To that, Arya smiled, racing ahead a few feet before stopping near a potted plant to throw up in. Gendry stood beside her, holding back her hair and patting her back as she hunched over the pot. 

When she left, and out of earshot, Gendry called housekeeping personnel, and told them someone threw up in a potplant. He never gave a name and saved Arya some embarrassment. He did, however, tell Sansa about it, purely so he could talk to her about it in the coming days. 

Arya spoke about her night in the briefest terms. The two women didn’t want anything other than to have a little fun. They danced, they drank, they made out in a bathroom stall. That was it. Gendry tried to hold back a smile as she told him, but she noticed and smiled back. 

The next day came, both going out bright and early to the gym where barely anyone came. Arya was excited to work out with Gendry again, he knew that because she told him after every machine or the reps they needed to get. Finally getting back to the hand to hand stuff, Arya threw Gendry to the ground enough that it made his back ache. It took him a few tries to do it, but he managed to get Arya on her back, pinning her there before she eventually tapped out. 

Genrdy still had little word on who first trained Arya, but whoever did so made Arya one hell of a fighter to begin with. She was focused, knowing how to get out of basically every hold that he could think of, and was a master manipulator of her body, moving in such a fashion that blew his mind every time she squeezed herself out of a situation. 

Being thrown to the ground at around eight in the morning, Gendry wanted to call it a day, but before he could, he heard Arya squeak above him. Getting up onto his elbows quickly, he watched Arya bound towards a boy around Arya’s age. He was chubby around the edges, but in no way overweight, just a little cushion to him. Arya didn’t care about how sweaty she was when she jumped into his waiting arms. 

“Mycah!” she yelled, giggling as his face went into the crook of her neck and holding onto her for dear life. Gendry’s chest clenched tight, no longer feeling a beating heart. “Oh my gods! What’s it been?” she asked as he set her back on her feet. 

“Like ten years,” he replied, holding her face in is hands, “it’s so good to see you,” he laughed. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, smoothing her hair out on the edges, flicking it back into the sweat that lined her face. 

“Didn’t your mum tell you?” he asked. 

Arya stepped back from him. “You’re my date?!”

“Sure am!” he beamed. Gendry knew what it was now. Mycah Butcher. He wasn’t noble, but he was a childhood friend, his father once working in the kitchen before he eventually had to move. The two were fond companions, causing trouble when they shouldn’t, and overall, confiding in each other when no one else could see their reasoning. 

Gendry wasn’t expecting him that day. He didn’t plan for this gym session to be their only interaction - to make it only about the gym instead of their normal routine of working out and talking it out. It was easy for them to exhaust themselves so when truths flew into the air, they were guaranteed not to run off easily. Gendry stood, rolling his shoulders as he walked over to his gear. 

“Seven hells! You’ve made my day!” Arya beamed back at him. Packing things up, Gendry hitched up his bag onto his shoulder, taking out a cap and putting it on. He was more used to hiding his face in public than he ever had been in the past. It was odd how easy it had become to blend in when he wanted to. 

“Your highness,” Gendry said, making Arya turn back to him. “I think we can meet up later. You have Beric with you,” Gendry said pointing out the window to Beric standing by the car. 

“Oh, thank you,” she said, waving Gendry off, “I can’t believe it’s you!” she said again to Mycah.

Out the door, Gendry looked to Beric, stepping over to him as he looked back into the gym, Arya seemingly overexcited by the person in front of her. Gendry liked being that person for her. It was a lost cause now, her attention constantly distracted - giving her the opportunity to know that she could move on, and easily. Gendry knew he couldn’t. 

“You good to look after her?” he asked. 

“Where are you going?” Beric grumbled. 

“To drink away the self pity I have over seeing that,” he said, pointing back inside, ready to go to the one place he felt the safest. 

“Hey, Waters, come here,” Beric called out. Walking back to him, Beric held onto Gendry’s shoulder, holding him in place. “I gave you a hard time the other week, and I’m sorry, it’s just -” 

Gendry interrupted. “Bodyguard 101. Don’t get attached.” 

“Is it hard with her doing this?” Beric asked, and Gendry gave out a sigh. Looking back at Beric, a man that didn’t really care about Gendry’s troubles, he found it easy to speak what he needed. 

“More than I’m letting on.” He admitted it without hesitating, and the look that Beric gave was that of pity. He let Gendry go with a tough slap to the shoulder. “Thanks,” Gendry replied, moving off and finding the same old pub he used to work at when he was a boy. Sweeping up after dark, cleaning tables in the morning when the night crowd didn’t disperse until dawn. 

The Stag’s Head. 

Opening the doors, closed to the public, Gendry walked up the bar, seeing the place almost spotless. It felt wrong, that there wasn’t something to do in order to get it ready for a lunch rush - which used to be the staple of their establishment. Now, it felt barren and unwanted. 

“Mum?” he called, putting his bag on the counter. He wondered if he could sneak a beer before his mum noticed. She would with the speed she rushed out the back doors to him. 

“Gendry! Sweetie,” she smiled, pulling him into her arms and pushing him onto a stool. From the determination in her, she was ready to make him food that he would say is his breakfast. 

“Hey,” he asked as she roamed around the bar area, “how’s everything?” 

“Business is picking up again since the princess has been dating,” she admitted, and Gendry sighed, pushing his hat off his head and putting it on the bar. “I’m sorry you see that,” his mother said, moving back to his space at the opposite side of the bar. 

“More than I’d like,” he sighed, resting his chin on the bar top. It smelled foul up close, but it had the same smell as it had for the last twenty years. 

“I didn’t -” his mother started before she lifted Gendry’s head from the bartop, “honey, I never wanted you to end things with her. I love Arya,” she beamed before she seemed to recognise her mistake, “Princess Arya,” she corrected. At least she corrected herself - Gendry failed to do that since he’d met her. 

“Mum,” he replied, closing his eyes and hoping he could make it through this conversation without feeling as depressed as he had all morning. “I know you didn’t ask me to, but I needed to do that. It was best,” he said, looking back at her. Tilting her head, Tailya sighed, hands firm on the bar as she scowled back at him. 

“Best for who?” she asked. Before he could give her an answer, one that he hadn’t thought of, he got a text. Reaching into his pocket, he saw the palace asking him back. 

“I just got a call, I have to go,” he sighed, leaning over the bar and kissing his mother’s cheek. Gathering up his things, he left the pub, ignoring the fact that he could have caught a lift with the rest of the team. Instead, he opted to walk back to the palace. It took him half the morning, but he got back, showering in the security quarters, and dressing in his suit. 

He had to wander around the palace before Arya made it back in the afternoon, still as happy as when he left her. Still, she went off to her room, her mother going inside to talk with her about the date, to which they took a fair while. As Gendry waited, his new friend bounded towards him, mockingly punching him in the stomach as she perked up. 

“How you doing? Did it go well?” 

“Which part? The gym part or where Mycah came to date Arya?” he asked back in a whisper. To that, Sansa’s face dropped. 

“Mycah Butcher? You’re kidding?” she exclaimed. 

“Nope. Seems like that’s who she was with all day,” he replied, and Sansa sighed.

“I’m sorry. Next time,” she said, patting his shoulder before skipping down the hall. 

After a few more minutes, the Queen came out of Arya’s room, smiling to herself. When she saw Gendry, she jumped, clearing her throat and handing him a pile of notes. 

“I expect this is greatly awkward for you,” she said, avoiding his eyes. 

“I don’t see how my feelings need to mean anything to your family anymore, your majesty,” Gendry said, focusing back across the hall, avoiding the gaze that the queen held on him. What shocked him however, was the hand that she placed on his elbow, making his attention fall back on the queen. 

“My boy, please don’t think you are lesser than we are because you are not royal or noble born. You have every right to rule over your own happiness,” she said, and Gendry felt himself stare in disbelief. The queen had never been the type to talk to him like that - like he were family, or someone worth caring for, “please read over these notes. I am sorry in advance,” she remarked, nodding before heading down the hall. 

Gendry looked over the notes as he knocked on Arya’s door. She called for him to come in, and as he opened the door, he stopped midday, stuck on a line that was written in. 

“I see you scheduled another outing with Mycah in two nights time,” Gendry said, putting his notes behind his back, walking in to see Arya’s room scattered with clothes, as though she were trying to find the right outfit for whatever she was planning on doing. 

“It’s just drinks. We decided we wanted to catch up,” Arya shrugged, going into her bathroom, but her smile made everything feel like what he did to get back to Arya was a hopeless endeavour. Did he really have to try anymore, or would it be a wasted effort to give himself to her all over again? Would she even want to after all these dates? 

He hated that he would now compare himself to others. He never used to. Arya would yell at him for doing it, he predicted. 

After Arya showered, she dressed in some lounging clothes and mainly stayed in her room. Sansa came for a visit at one stage, laughing at her for her vomit incident the other day. Arya threw a pillow at Gendry who laughed at the sisters. Sansa even said there was a stain on the carpet where the potplant couldn’t catch everything - Gendry knew it was a lie because he had checked. Arya didn’t, and buried her face into her bed. 

After Sansa left, turning her face away as though she were ignoring him - but he saw her smug grin - it was Arya and Gendry once more, their presence around each other left them in tension and silence. The silence seemed to fuel the tension, but neither broke it, in fear of starting a fire that neither of them could

“I think I should head out. Promise not to jump out the window?” Gendry laughed, his finger tugging down on the knot in his tie, turning to leave as Arya seemed to settle into her room. From behind him, he could hear her jostling around on her sheets. 

“Can I ask you something?” Arya said, and Gendry finished tugging off his tie. He let the loose fabric rest on his shoulders and stuck his hands in his pockets, turning back to her. Arya had stood at the end of her bed, and Gendry walked back to her. 

“Always,” he said, meaning it too. 

Arya rested her chin on her chest for a moment, fingers binding in to the edge of her jumper sleeve. Then, she looked up to him, eyes scared to know an answer that hadn’t even been questioned. “Have you stopped fighting for me because I’m not...opening up? That I’m making it too hard?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Am I hard to love? Is that why you’re pulling away and not giving us a ch-” 

“Arya, I told you,” he started, before the words got caught up in his chest. Could he even bring himself to lie. “Your happiness means more to me than anything else. I’m never going to get in the way of that again.” 

“What if -” 

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Gendry stepped into her space, his hand on her cheek. He thought she’d recoil, that she’d pull away, instead, she relaxed into his touch, her eyes closing for a brief moment as though to savour this time. When she opened her eyes, Gendry felt himself lean down, words only they could hear, “you deserve...you deserve someone that isn’t going to break your heart.” 

Arya gripped into his collar, his forehead resting against hers. “I don’t want anyone else,” she confessed, and that was when Gendry pulled away. It was slow, and scorching to do so. 

“I don’t want to let you go, but -” 

“Don’t finish that sentence,” she repeated. “Just..leave it as it is. Please don’t give up hope.” 

“I promise,” he said, not knowing if he would keep his words true, or if he had confessed a lie. All he knew was that when she held him, all he wanted to do was kiss her and ask her for forgiveness in every way he could, submit to her every whim just to see if she’d love him again. He would go down on his knees and beg, but would it ever mean anything to her? Gendry was unsure of anything these days, it would be foolish to even try. 

After that, Arya went out for drinks with Mycah, more photos and more articles revolving around Arya’s love life were in the papers. People speculator as to the real reason for the cycling dates, most were wrong, some were right, others were downright weird reasons. 

Then, one night came, an unexpected date came to town and wanted something for he and Arya that would give them a chance out of the spotlight. It was the first real effort that Arya had at a date thus far. Everything was very casual with the others - this was a lord trying to impress a princess. 

Arya wore a simple jumpsuit, a silk material bound in at her waist with a bright red belt. She looked stunning, but Gendry didn’t say anything. He just smiled and they drove to the restaurant that was arranged. They were told to wait outside. Gendry didn’t know much of the procedures for these sort of things - he was only on duty that night because Sandor had gone off with Sansa doing something that no one knew about. It drove Gendry mad, knowing he had to be apart of this in some way. 

“It’s the last one. It’ll be over before we know it,” Arya sighed, shifting back and forth between her heels. Gendry cleared his throat, shoulders deflating at the words. He always forgot this wasn’t going to go away, that they would be able to build themselves overtime - they would constantly be torn apart. Then, a hand smacked against his stomach, making him looking down at Arya who scowled at him, “you promised, remember?” 

“I know,” he replied, feigning a smile. He was probably as good to lying to Arya as she were to him. They were each other’s lie detector, finding the truth hidden behind layers of lies and pain. Part of him knew, that even with his promise, reality wouldn’t match up. He could promise her everything she’d ever wished for, but at the end of it all, he’d still be ushered away. Gendry was going to be pulled from her life without a second word. 

Gendry wanted to cling on, but after seeing how Arya was when he broke it off, he wondered if it wasn’t for the best - to never be in the woman’s life again, never be able to hurt her. It was hard for him to think of himself highly, even after understanding the royal family were like any other - something stood in the way of his happiness. 

In the back of his mind, he thought of someone who he had never met. Someone that had impacted his life without stepping foot in it. 

Maybe he was why. 

Arya sighed, her finger gracing over his hand. He unconsciously flinched, looking around for prying eyes. It was funny how things worked now; when he dated Arya, he didn’t care who saw, not that they were broken up, all he cared about was her appearance with him. “I do want to start over, but it’s hard to -” 

“Your highness, the car is pulling up,” Gendry said, putting his hands behind his back and stepping away from her. It felt like the right thing to do - the step away from her when matters like this were at hand. 

As the car rolled up, a young man walked out, pinned in a casual suit jacket and jeans combo, blond hair slightly astray, and he waved off the escorting security that tried to stop him running to Arya and Gendry. “I’m sorry I’m late!” he called just before he reached the two. Gendry looked to Arya - she showed no real interest in him, but she still smiled, like she had to out of obligation. 

Then he got closer, and Arya sucked in a breath. He reached out to her as he stopped in front of her. 

“Ned Dayne,” he introduced, his hand delicate to touch hers. When their hands came together, soft and tender, holding tight for a moment, a breath taken in between them both, before they finally let each other go, and they could breathe in sync. It made Gendry feel like he was invading on something he shouldn’t have been apart of in the first place.

“It’s great to meet you,” she smiled, her lip going between her teeth briefly and a soft chuckle slipped from her lips as she looked down at her heels. Gendry felt his mouth go dry and his hands clung to one another behind his back. He felt like he wanted to drag himself out of their the second the pair latched eyes. It wasn’t right for him to think like that though, he had no right to do that anymore. 

“Come in,” he asked her. Gendry followed after her as she went inside behind Ned. From the little Gendry had been debriefed about the Lord was this; he was kind, though he didn’t outwardly show any sort of distain for anyone, in recent past, he kept to himself as he studied english at university where he thrived. Everything else seemed like a mystery - he stayed inside, he kept to himself mostly, but was reclusive. Gendry suspected he was like Arya; the person in the family that seemed the most mysterious, but just wanted more for themselves out of their family name. 

In the restaurant, the staff waited patiently, bowing as Arya walked in before moving onto their next task. Arya held herself tighter, as though she felt claustrophobic of the open space. In her defense, it made Gendry’s skin crawl - too much open space meant more opportunity to get into contact with her. He had doubts those were her fears.

“Where is everyone?” she asked.

“I rented out the restaurant. I wanted to get to know you, and not have people listening in,” he said, a genuine and sweet looking smile appeared on his lips. 

“I’d like that,” Arya sighed, letting her arms loose. Gendry cleared his throat, drawing attention to him from the two. 

“Your Highness,” Gendry gave a nod to Arya before turning to Ned, “My Lord.” His goodbye without saying it. Why would he need to. It wasn’t his right. He found himself thinking that a lot. 

A right. A privilege. Something that was given to him but not freely taken. He had no right to be around Arya, but was given the opportunity. His only crime was loving her when no one gave him the right to. 

Arya stepped into him. “Where are you -” 

“I’ll be just outside. So you can have some more privacy, your highness,” Gendry said, and for a moment, he thought he saw doubt in her. As though she saw herself and what mistakes she may make - that in the presence of the man beside her, she’d find a happiness that once lay in Gendry. 

“Thank you,” she said, a sadness to her words that he wished would fade. In time, at least. 

“Yes, thank you,” Ned said, extending his hand. Gendry looked down and without thinking, took it. It was a kindness that he showed overall, Gendry didn’t want to give him a bad impression - especially if it meant something more for Arya. “I didn’t catch your name,” he asked, shaking Gendry’s hand. Nervous, Gendry cleared his throat, straightening out his shoulders.

“Gendry.” 

“Ah yes, I remember now. Gendry Waters,” he recalled as if he had known it from a distant memory. From the corner of his eye, he caught Arya looking at Gendry, as they both knew where he knew the name. “A pleasure,” he said, innocent as ever. 

“You too, my lord,” Gendry said, clearing his throat and leaving the pair. As Gendry got to the door, he stopped and look back. To see what was happening in his absence. Ned put his hand on the small of Arya’s back as he took them to the table of his choice and smiled to her like he had been falling in love with her from such a distance, and within his sight - there she was. 

Gendry understood, being in Arya’s gravity made everything seem brighter, as though she hung the stars and they left a shine over her entire being. It was as though the heavens had touched down on her and graced the earth with the simplest thing as her smile. 

As the pair sat opposite each other, they looked perfect together, like they were paired from some greater being. The old gods and the new formed them to be one and they fit - like they were waiting to fall back into place. And there they were, and Gendry was just the man on the sidelines, watching for his heart to break more than it had before. 

Arya giggled, like she did with him only a few months prior. She tucked hair behind her ear, lip caught between teeth as she listened to him talk. Although the words were lost to him, Gendry could make out that it was something worth keeping her attention in the first place. 

Gendry lit the cigarette, setting it between his teeth, and dragging the smoke in with the air of the night. He hoped it killed him, that the smoke would fill his lungs and choke him because it would be less painful than the broken heart that captivated him at present. 

As the smoke left him, mixing in with the cold night air that only the North could hold, Gendry felt like he were ready to be sick. It was as though bile was rising in his throat, but he didn’t get to physically retch it from his body. Instead, he was left to rest his hand to his head, wrist shaking as the sickness turned into a choked sob. 

He hadn’t felt like he had truly lost Arya until that night, where she smiled and laughed, acted like herself again with someone that could replace him. Replace Gendry so easily, it were like he never existed in the first place. 

“Fuck,” he said, and finally, the tears came out, his hand slipping down from his forehead to rest over his eyes. Hunched against the wall of the building, he hid away his shame - and the pain of the final blow of a lost love. 

She was gone, and there was nothing more Gendry could do but cry, out of sight and out of mind of everyone that once cared who he was. 

Once more, he was insignificant. Just like everyone wanted him to be. 

[fightmeyeats]

Let’s Make it That Deep: Thinking about the Surveillance State, Racial Politics, and Humanity in Terminator: Dark Fate

This week I watched Terminator: Dark Fate, which carries forward from the second Terminator film, Terminator: Judgement Day (1991), wisely ignoring everything that happened in movies 3-5. Dark Fate is set in the year 2020 and follows Dani Ramos, humanity’s new hope to survive the future robot apocalypse, as she, Grace (an augmented human from the future), Sarah Connor, and Carl (a T-800 model terminator) fight against a Rev-9 sent back in time to kill Dani. Overall, to quote my sibling, the movie “isn’t a literary masterpiece,” but it is fairly enjoyable--especially if you’re thirsting over the main leads. However, because I have a feral academic-garbage brain I also wanted to spend some time unpacking what I saw as the film’s three major discourses: surveillance/technological inevitability, race politics, and human exceptionalism. These are fraught discourses, often represented in contradictory and confusing ways over the course of the film, but I think it is generative to sit with them and to try to work out what messages are intentionally and/or unintentionally being conveyed through the movie, as well as what the potentials and limitations of these messages might be. 

Spoilers ahead.

i. Surveillance & Technological Inevitability

Before getting into the content of the film, one thing which may be useful to consider is how the movie previews shown in the theater before the start of the movie contextualize reception and engagement with the actual story Terminator: Dark Fate tells. There were quite a few trailers before the movie--enough so that one patron a few seats down in my row loudly commented “is the movie going to start now or what??” as yet another trailer started playing, the majority of which were either for war or horror movies. The two in particular I am interested in discussing are The King’s Man (2020) and Midway (2019), and the way that they both glorify and justify the imperialist/security state. The King’s Man trailer, for example, positions the titular agency as being an “independent intelligence agency” which essentially is able to actively “protect” people while governments fall short. In between clips from the film, title cards read "witness the rise...of the civilized," a shockingly open and yet seemingly unconscious connection between the King’s Man narrative and British colonialism/imperialism. Immediately following this trailer is one for Midway, a WWII moving centering on the aircraft carrier USS Midway immediately after the events of Pearl Harbor, which a character in the trailer calls “the greatest intelligence failure in the history of the US”. The reason why these trailers are important to keep in mind is because they implicitly respond to some of the anxieties articulated in Terminator; if Terminator films speak to fears of technology and surveillance, these trailers argue that really technology, surveillance, and military power are all important aspects of “civilized” nations, necessary for security and safety. 

This actually ties in immediately to the opening of Terminator: Dark Fate, and the death of John Connor which can be interpreted, in one sense, as a failure of surveillance. This actually specifically made me think of Inderpal Grewal’s article “Security Moms,” and the rise of the neoliberal female citizen subject as an agent of security through motherhood in the post 9/11 U.S. The “security mom, essentially, is a “conceptualization of women as mothers seeking to protect their innocent children - a figure that is not so new in the history of modern nationalisms, or even American nationalisms and racism” (Grewal 27). Much like the King’s Man trailer suggestion that private intelligence is better suited to save lives than governmentalized intelligence, “neoliberalism suggests that the state is unable to provide security and thus it disavows its ability to protect all citizens”--only in here, it is the figure of the mother rather than a private agency which becomes the new and better fitted agent of surveillance, always watching for enemies in order to protect their children (Grewal 28). In a voice over, Sarah Connor tells us that she “saved three billion people but [she] couldn’t save [her] son”; a T-800 (Arnold Schwarzenegger) model Terminator which had been sent back before Skynet was destroyed and continued carrying out orders “from a future that never happened” walks right past Sarah and shoots John. While Sarah leaps in to action after she recognizes the threat, she is unable to stop the T-800 from killing her son in seconds. This might actually be a key difference between Sarah Connor and Grewal’s “security mom”: while security moms are a largely a post-9/11 construction of neoliberal/nationalist motherhood, Sarah Connor was a successful security mom in 1991, constantly vigilant and constantly surveilling her surroundings for concealed enemies who could kill her son. In the post-9/11 era, Sarah Connor’s belief that the apocalypse has been averted causes her to believe that she and her son are safe, resulting in inadequate surveillance/vigilance and her son’s death. Much like the framing of Pearl Harbor in the Midway trailer and 9/11 in real life, disasters happen because of failures to appropriately surveil. 

Technological state surveillance itself is reflected in strange ways in the film, which seems to be at once critiquing and accepting constant surveillance. Sarah Connor keeps her cell phone in a chip bag to avoid being tracked and tells Grace and Dani that they will not last without her help because they are not aware of the constant surveillance occurring at every traffic light, every store, every gas station, etc--information the Rev-9 terminator chasing Dani will certainly have access to. Terminator: Dark Fate expresses fears of technological abuse/control and surveillance, but constantly frames these fears as the failure of the government to control these technologies--the threat isn’t what the government will do or is doing with these technologies, but rather that these technologies are uncontrollable or might be used by enemy agents. While one could argue that the fear being expressed here is actually a critique of the existence of surveillance technologies--that technologies exist for a reason and will do what they are programmed to do--this framing overwhelmingly still imagines a kind of governmental neutrality, where the threat is the located exclusively in the technology itself, not in those creating and using it. Here I also want to emphasize that while in Judgement Day there’s a deeper critique of the military industrial complex and the role of private corporations, in Dark Fate it appears to be the government alone engaged in constant surveillance and the technologies which result in the robot apocalypse, with the role of capitalism largely obscured from the connection between the new evil AI, Legion. In this same vein, while it seems that Legion is built as a weapon by the government, but we do not even explicitly know which government--again, the threat isn’t government construction of Legion (although Sarah does comment “they never learn”) but rather the technology itself. 

In the original movies, Skynet was a defensive surveillance software--but this is no longer science fiction; as Edward Snowden revealed/confirmed in 2013, constant mass surveillance is a real thing, and there are real ways people can avoid it (using VPNs, encryption, covering webcams, anti-facial recognition makeup (called CV dazzle), wearing disguises, etc). Despite this, and despite Sarah Connor’s awareness of constant surveillance, the characters don’t do much to avoid surveillance and just as Sarah originally predicted, the Rev-9 easily tracks them through governmental surveillance apparatuses. In the same way, surveillance and the technological abuse/carelessness which bring about the robot apocalypse are largely imagined inevitable. While there is a constant argument for agency and the idea that people can and must make choices in the present moment that determine the future, nothing is done to disrupt surveillance in the present moment, and the future seems to be unstoppable. While we can certainly think about the switch from Skynet to Legion, and the way this articulates a different set of social concerns and anxieties in 2019 than in the late 80s/early 90s, stopping Skynet delays but does not prevent what seems to be, from a material standpoint, the same future. In this same vein, when Grace dies so that Dani can use her power source to destroy the Rev-9, Grace tells Dani “we both knew I wasn’t coming back”; this frames her death as predetermined and fixed. Similarly, at the end of the film Sarah tells Dani she will help her to “prepare”, implicitly suggesting that the future cannot be prevented--further legitimizing the reading of the Skynet to Legion switch as an inability to meaningfully change the future. This brings us to the line used both in Judgement Day and Dark Fate: “there is no fate but what we make for ourselves”. While this line seems to suggest that we have agency and can make choices that change the future, the inability to actually enact change might instead lead to a counter reading of the line: is it that we make fate, or that the fate we get is the one we “deserve”? 

ii. Race (& Gender) Politics

There’s actually quite a bit to think about in terms of the racial politics of Terminator: Dark Fate. One the one hand, we can certainly think about the underlying savior discourse and the transition of this role from a white man to a Mexican woman. There is some fairly heavy handed Christian symbolism involved in John Connor as the white male hero—John’s initials parallel him to Jesus Christ, and Sarah comments “let her play Mother Mary for a while” when she thinks Dani has become the new target because a son Dani will someday give birth to will be the new savior of humanity. Sarah also comments that Dani isn’t the threat, it’s her womb. I want to go two directions on this comment: first, while it of course turns out that Dani is the hero herself, the idea of Latinx wombs as a threat is intricately tied to U.S. immigration policies and histories of eugenics, with the imagined threat being to the preservation of the (white) nation, so to here articulate the idea of Latinx reproduction as a kind of weapon to protect humanity is to offer something very different from a discourse of salvation through white reproduction/motherhood. Second, this line offers a kind of meta commentary on the way the previous movies claimed John as the savior (despite Sarah’s own heroism) to convince viewers that Dark Fate is more politically aware than previous Terminator movies, since Dani is the one destined to save the world (which  of course ties back into my previous discussion of the unresolved tension between fate and agency), not her son and not a white man.

Moving beyond the switch in hero, one of the main things I want us to consider in thinking about the racial politics of Dark Fate is the question of collateral damage: while it’s nothing unusual to see large amounts of collateral damage in the background of an action movie, here this damage seems to be located exclusively in the Global South (specifically Mexico). Most (but not all) of the destruction is disassociated from individual people--for example, in one scene the Rev-9 drives a bulldozer down the wrong side of a freeway, crushing or crashing into numerous cars which obviously have people inside, even though we do not see most of them. Scenes of damage or interactions between populations and the Rev-9 in the U.S. do not result in death the same way that they do in Mexico/along the border. When the Rev-9 is knocked off of a plane after take off and crashes into a backyard in Texas, for example, he picks himself up and apologizes to the white people barbecuing in the yard for destroying their shed before continuing on his way. Similarly, when he flies over a military base which is actively attacking him, he ignores them and continues his pursuit of Dani without fighting back. While in both of these cases, one might argue that this is connected to the Rev-9’s obsession with fulfilling his mission without needing to kill anyone who is not actually preventing him from reaching Dani, a) this is a work of fiction so someone decided that the Rev-9 could fulfill his mission with minimal collateral damage in some spaces but not others, and b) in the final fight at the dam, the workers simply disappear when the fighting begins, removing them from any risk of becoming collateral damage. 

Although there are action scenes throughout the movie, the last scene to involve mass violence against background characters is in the detention center. Before I get into the discussion of collateral damage/background character death at the detention center, I want to start by discussing border crossing and the representation of the detention center more broadly. There are some ways in which Dark Fate does attempt to address the violence involved in detention centers and U.S. immigration policy, but overwhelmingly it falls short. One of the ways we see this is in the actual crossing of the border and the way that it’s not particularly difficult or dangerous for Dani, Grace, and Sarah to cross. Certain popularized images of border crossing are deployed in ways which might suggest this is an authentic look at what it means to cross borders without documents (Dani, Grace, and Sarah ride on the top of a train with other migrants, which I suspect draws from the documentary Which Way Home, and Dani’s uncle, a Coyote, helps them cross the desert and enter the U.S. through a tunnel under the border wall), however the way these images are used as a shorthand undermines the danger undertaken/violence experienced by real undocumented migrants as the result of U.S. border policy. Riding the freight trains, called El tren de la muerte or La Bestia (the Death Train or The Beast) in real life, is highly dangerous and many people are killed or suffer serious and long term injuries as a result, and although we are told that Dani’s uncle is a good Coyote who gets people across safely (and he is of course helping his own niece), crossing the desert is extremely dangerous and many people die. Representing this crossing in maybe 10 minutes of screen time makes it seem easy and safe, obscuring the very real dangers faced by migrants in real life. Similarly, in the detention center border patrol agents are represented as apathetic but not particularly violent/dangerous, and the depictions of the cages migrants are kept in do not come close to reflecting the overcrowding experienced by the people who are being imprisoned in detention centers in real life. Furthermore, the imprisoned migrants do not have speaking roles and become non-agentive; the real suffering of undocumented migrants becomes nothing more than a setting, offering no significant or useful critique of U.S. border policies/politics. This brings us back to that question of collateral damage in the detention center. After Grace breaks out of the medical room she was being held in, she unlocks all of the cages and detained migrants begin to flee; although I have seen this described in some places online as her “freeing” them, escaping migrants become a distraction which aids in Dani, Sarah, and Grace’s actual escape from the detention center and the Rev-9 which has caught up with them. While most of the violence is enacted on border patrol agents rather than migrants (which is good), the Rev-9 does kill/harm some of the migrants who block his path as they attempt to escape, and the only border patrol agent we can identify as a speaking character to be killed is the Black woman who was pointedly apathetic to Dani’s pleas for help during the intake process. Most, if not all, of the other border patrol agents with speaking lines at the detention center are white, and seem to be framed as almost more sympathetic; the medical personnel fixing Grace’s wounds, for example, notices the metal interlaid in her body and are horrified by “what’s been done to her,” viewing her as a victim to be sympathized with. While one of the guards insists “we call them detainees” when Grace escapes from her handcuffs and demands to know where the prisoners are being kept, which offers an attempted commentary on the linguistic obscuration of violence and white apathy, we again must come back to the fact that the white medical guard is left unharmed while the Black guard is very pointedly killed. 

We might push back on this overall interpretation by thinking about the ways that in real life people of color can become complicit in systems of white supremacy which will ultimately harm them while continuing to overwhelmingly protect white citizens, as well as the way that the Global South so frequently is a site of collateral damage, and experiences the displaced violence of the Global North. However, what I want us to think about is that this kind of intervention is useless when it is left latent, and overall only feeds into the constant racialized violence which plays out in movies and television programming. Furthermore, I want us to think about James Cameron’s comment about Judgement Day when he said that the T-1000 looked like an LAPD officer because “the Terminator films are...about us losing touch with our own humanity and becoming machines, which allows us to kill and brutalize each other. Cops think of all non-cops as less than they are”. While some have argued that Dark Fate picks up this legacy by making border patrol the villains, and the Rev-9 does clearly represent a military/border patrol kind of threat, the Rev-9 is also always a person of color. The base appearance, played by Gabriel Luna, is a man of color, and every single person it transforms itself to look like (which we are told kills the person being copied) is also a person of color. Because of this, there is a way in which the critique of border patrol is divorced from white supremacy and people of color become part of what is imagined as the threat. 

iii. Thinking About Humanity 

Finally, this ties into the discussion of humanity and the idea of human exceptionalism and purity articulated throughout Dark Fate. As with much of what I have previously talked about, this is a frequently contradictory kind of discourse which simultaneously broadens and constrains the idea of what “humanity” is/means. One example of this is the way in which augments and terminators that grow a conscious queer the boundary between “human” and “machine.” When Sarah demands they shoot Carl in the face to see what he “really is,” Dani insists “I don’t really care what he is”; through this there seems to be, on some level, an articulation that there’s more to being “human” than literally being a human being. Furthermore, these characters are queer in multiple dimensions--Grace is a very butch, very queer feeling character, and while I don’t want to say that the reformed murderous robot said Ace Rights, Carl’s character does push back against the heteronormative coital imperative by through his relationship to Elisa and his adopted son Mateo, which offers a model of meaningful romantic partnership and family commitment which does not involve biological reproduction or sexual intimacy. However, despite these queer potentials, we are constantly pushed back towards a privileging of “human” through frequent assertions that Grace is human (not a machine, just augmented), that augmentation is unstable (Grace’s frequent metabolic crashes and dependence on a cocktail of medication to keep herself going), and Carl only has the approximation of a conscious and cannot love the way humans do. Furthermore, Carl and Grace both die, suggesting that this queering of the human/machine boundary is untenable. 

So what does “humanity” mean in Dark Fate? Ultimately, it seems to mean protecting the vulnerable and being willing to sacrifice yourself to do it. During the final confrontation between Dani, Sarah, Grace, and Carl, the Rev-9 says “I know she’s a stranger, why not let me have her”; Sarah responds: “Because we’re not machines you metal motherfucker”. While I obviously think the film offers a confused message on agency and that we need to be critical of the racial politics of the film, this ties into what I think (or what I would like to think) the movie hoped to say about border patrol and detention centers: we need to do better by refugees and undocumented migrants. It doesn’t matter whether we know someone, whether we imagine they are deserving or undeserving, what it might or might not cost us to do the right thing; we can choose, in this moment, whether or not we step up and fight against the detention of undocumented migrants, whether we resist ICE, whether we advocate for refugees. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. 

[truthoradair101]

WIP Tag for Project Blue Done 5/26/2019

Okay I’m going to go ahead and apologize for this being so long, but I went into detail for a lot of things... not really any spoilers that I can think of but if you’re really sensitive to those kind of things, I advise you to stay clear.

WIP TAG DONE 5/26/19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExyndnUSJMY I used the format Lainey did from Gingerreadslainey, I highly recommend you check this out.

Ok first off before we get started, Camp NaNoWriMo starts in five days so let me quickly give an update on that. I have a cabin and have been talking with my cabinmates and planned out writing sprints with friends and hopefully some other writeins would be nice. If you’d like to do a few with me or talk about your projects or have questions, my inbox is always open and you can always message me or send me an ask! I promise, I won’t bite! I’m still planning on doing six projects and the 50K words will all be split. Project Blue (this one) is the furthest along, and all this week my goal has been to do 300 words each of my current five projects a day (which is going well except for today so I sort of need to fix that at some point). More aesthetics and other things on this project and my others will happen soon.

So since I have everything already worked out for NaNo and am basically ready to start (although I still haven’t reoutlined in greater detail anything and need to finish some planning for the project I’m starting… I’m working on it… but still) I do have a little quick thing on what it’s about.

(from my Camp NaNo page)

“The Assassin Chronicles (Project Blue)- A YA world filled with disaster at every turn for 14 year old Timothy. Growing up in a poor town with a single mother was always hard for him, but he survived. What was harder was growing up with Alicia, his closest friend since before he can remember, their fates looming over them. They’ve known for years that when they turned fourteen their worth would be reduced to nothing, but now the time for them to be rated by the governors for their Assassin Camps is looming over them, the day hanging over their heads. They never wanted the fate to be seen as heartless and cold by the townsfolk, to be the ones doing the dirty work, but to the government they’re seen as easily spared.”

So that’s the gist of it, thanks for reading, hope you enjoy!

Working Title?

So the current working title for the overall series I have planned is the Assassin Chronicles, and yes, I do think that this could really be a series, it just has so much potential and so many things are set up for a sequel already that it’d be hard to be a standalone, besides, it ends on a cliffhanger because I’m awful. As for what this title in particular is, I genuinely have no idea… there are so many things I could call it, but nothing has sounded right so far...

Idea from book come from?

So interesting story…the idea came to me March of 2018 during math class of all things… which was odd… but anyways it worked so who am I to complain? But the idea came to me with Timothy of all things. I had the idea of a young assassin who was forced into this position and the world just developed itself… this dystopian where everything is affected by where you stand… and for most people it ends in certain death. From there throughout the next few months I got inspired for Alicia and knew I needed a third person who ended up being my favorite character in the world…. His name is Eric. They’ve all changed so much since then… at first they were all based heavily off of people I knew… now not at all. Just thinking about it is sooo weird. Like you have no idea, it’s surreal. Eric is the most differed. Anyways, I picked it back up in December and finished planning back in February, taking a break from writing to sort out my life for a while and started the first draft in the first week of May. Plotwise it’s all due to the characters, they’ve always been my first priority, I love all of them so dearly, and honestly I’ve freestyled a lot of subplot that I never expected until I was deep into writing all of it out, especially with Alicia in particular.

What genre does your book fall under?

I say “dystopian esk” which basically means that the world has those supprevise elements dystopian novels do, but it’s not quite dystopian, the entire world is different from ours… in a way. It’s a different world that’s all I’ll say. It’s considered a YA fantasy world in my mind, that’s the easiest way to say it, there’s just not really magic… but that’s not all too uncommon at this point so I say it works.

What actors would you choose to play your characters if there was a movie?

So if you don’t know…. Hi, I’m Grace, I’m obsessed with aesthetics. So obviously, I have faceclaims and pinterest boards because that’s just how I am. Eric is obviously in most of them, because even though he’s not the protagonist, he’s just the most important to me, like a lot of my friends like to say that I’m obsessed with him, because my mind is always focused on my writing, I talk about it a lot, specifically this project, because it’s the most developed, for one, but also because it’s my oldest project, my friends have been with me every step of the way. So while they hardly ever get spoiled, a few of them help me develop things all the time, especially with characters, so they know a lot about Eric… but there’s a lot of layers to him, nobody truly knows everything, there are even secrets he’s still hiding from me, so many, even though there’s already so much I have learned so quickly from just writing him. There’s a reason behind every action he takes, every word he says, and the way he is. He befriends Alicia and Timothy soon after they arrive at the camp, and is essential, so of course he was the first character I ever made aesthetics for. The person who is basically my exact vision for him is named Alex Storm, who is a model. He is a bit older than Eric (not even sure by how much) but a lot of pictures with him when he had short hair and no facial hair do look basically like Eric to a tee, which is amazing. Eventually, I could see Eric growing his hair out a bit once he’s a tad older, so there’s also that. (He’ll be pictured down below).

Alicia took me a long time to find, not as long as Timothy, who was just impossible to find a person who looked like the vision I had, but she was still hard. And she does differ a bit, her skin is a bronzish shade, which is due to her heritage being somewhat distantly middle eastern like, but it’s fairly distant. Her hair is still like a copper auburn color, eyes hazel, but she just… there had to be a certain build to her. Lean and quick, someone who I could see being teaseful, witty, sarcastic, with a fire that never dies from her eyes. Alicia is a true fighter, she’s stubborn and reckless, her huge personality is just hard to find a fit for, especially to match how I envisioned her. In the end, after probably a few weeks or so of looking, I found a person named Karol Queiroz, who was just perfect. There are some pictures of her when she had shorter hair, which is definitely Alicia, she ended up growing it out past her shoulders, but most of the pictures I use for Alicia at the moment have her hair barely brushing her shoulders. There will be a point where I really think Alicia will grow out her hair, it makes her really look older and at one point she will yearn to not be judged for her young age, she is a warrior and she strives to make it look that way. (She will also be pictured down below).

Timothy… is just so complex. He’s suchhhh a Hufflepuff. Everything he does is, very much like Eric, for a reason, but a completely different reason. Eric always is plotting ahead, he’s trying to save himself most of the time from everything that he doesn’t exactly want to ever face, he wants to live, and he’s willing to make sacrifices to do so. Timothy, on the other hand, would rather give himself up than see those close to him, especially Alicia, but in time Eric as well. She’s always in the back of his mind, he’s learned to watch out for her to put it simply. Also like I have specific descriptions of eyes, it just comes naturally to me because that’s how I perceive people, because my eyes always tell such a story, also like eyes show personality and mood, and I don’t know… I feel like eyes are kind of what I always judge people by, a single look can tell an entire story, and it’s often how I’ve seen through lies and been able to see things are wrong, so descriptions of eyes especially to me are always important. I will admit, I am one of those people who falls in love with someone because of eyes, it’s how I remember faces, all because of eyes, I don’t know how to describe it, it just is how it’s sort of always been for me. And let’s just say the person Timothy was originally based off of…. Yes they’re extremely different over a year later, but the eyes are the same. That was the main reason, very distinct eyes. So it was hard to find, and to be honest I’m looking while writing this, but I had a vision, and I’m not sure how accurate it is. Basically the eyes are kind, yet strong, which is Timothy’s character, when it comes to emotion, he’s the one support Alicia has and I think she’d find comfort in his eyes, like I do with so many people. They are a slate grey blue (oh but wait it gets more specific and I feel awful making it so specific) with hints of lighter blue and darker green, with flecks of a much lighter green, almost yellow, and it looks like lightning crackling through the night sky. That’s always how I’ve described them, and as specific as that is, I see that as how Timothy is. Eventually, I stumbled across Luke Powell, who I had seen many times before, but specific pictures screamed Timothy to me, specifically him with bangs.That just… the thicker hair, the eyes aren’t exactly what I saw, but you know… it just works! (He will be pictured down below as well).

Yes, I know Timothy and Eric look rather similar, it’s not for a particular reason, it just sort of fits them.

To put it simply, personality matters when I look at people to represent my characters as much as looks, if not more, so you get a long explanation, sorry.

Self published or traditional?

You know, I’m young, I’m a teen writer with a big dream, getting this published or really anything at my age is hard! But of course I want it, I’ve always been an overachiever. I could see it being self published, but really… I don’t know if I want that in a way, but things may change over the next few years.

How long did it take you to write the first draft?

I’m going on month three and half way… my goal is to finish by the end of August.

What other books would you compare this story to?

Honestly I get sort of Young Elite vibes, that was what I was reading while I came up with the idea, spring 2018, and I was obsessed, just the atmosphere. It’s like young elites mixed with… something without magic and set in like a hilly world with patches of forest, it’s sort of reminds me of the woods outside of district 12 in the hunger games movie, almost like that…

Who or what inspired you to write this story?

Honestly I came up with this two months after I won this huge writing competition in my district, I got a really good score and knew I needed to use that momentum to carry over and create something GREAT. Over that past year all the momentum has done is increase, I just sort of got the idea talking to my friend, also I was a dark child… I loved assassins. I truly did. I think it was because Teren was great later on in the Young Elites and… I don’t know just that sort of vibe of him I guess. I never really thought about it that way, but still. I love dark fantasy and the young elites is why… it’s where it started. This is a dark fantasy world without magic, which is what I have been wanting to see. It was really just coming up with the idea of Timothy and basing the world around what could motive and stop him.

What else about the book might pique the reader’s interest?

I know this is like the longest thing in the world, I’ll go into more detail later I promise (I can hear your groans in the distance…I said this was going to happen! I’m doing a ton of stuff all throughout July, this was addressed… besides, I like to think people actually care but I could be wrong...) specifically with the characters because they really are EVERYTHING. But anyways, it’s not touched on so far, but it’s implied (*cough cough* Eric *cough* Timothy *cough*) that there’s LGBTQ+ representation, like nobody is straight let’s be honest (at least in the main cast, so far it’s leaning towards all three of the main trio are multisexual, like meeee so that’s fun..) I like to think that it’s the trainees way of revolting against the traditional governors running the camps, like they would do that, they would start a gay cult, let’s be honest, they’re a bunch of angsty teens being trained to be assassins against their will, it’s a disaster waiting to happen because… plot! No, but seriously, in their world I like to think just like in ours, times are indeed changing.

There is hinted romance (there’s just a lot of hinted things let’s be honest), but it’s not the main plot at all! So… there you go. Establish ships if you want, don’t if you don’t, all is good with me.

Like oppressive governments? Here! Like characters who have various skill sets and have diverse personalities? HERE! I mean they’re all sort of sarcastic… but they’re teenagers I can confirm that it’s normal. I feel like I’m missing things but this is already too long so… I’m gonna end it here… my tags for my other projects will be up soon!

Alex Storm as Eric.

Karol Queiroz as Alicia.

Luke Powell As Timothy

All posts and information for all of my writing projects and Camp NaNoWriMo July 2019 can be found under the tag #GraceWritesYA2019

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

Thoughts on Johnny and Meryl from The Metal Gear Solid Franchise

Alright, so I've been watching Stream Four Star's retrospective streams of the Metal Gear franchise. This was actually my first introduction into the Metal Gear world. I never played the games when I was younger, I really had no idea what it was about. Now that I've been introduced to the world, the stuff in DBZA about Princess Snake makes a whole lot more sense, is super funny, and I finally understand what TeamFourStar was doing there. I actually really like the world of Metal Gear, I think it's super fascinating and I'm honestly glad that my introduction to this franchise took place well into my adult years instead of my teenage years because I feel like the intricacies of this world would've just flown right over teen!bluephoenixrises's head. I definitely feel like I can appreciate this franchise more as an adult as opposed to a teenager. The world is super interesting. It feels very real but at the same time does a perfect job of being completely unrealistic at the same time, it's really just this perfect blend of real world type of stuff mixed in with anime nonsense and I love it. Plus, there is so much super cool, super fun meta going on in this series.

But I'm not here to ramble about the Metal Gear franchise in its entirety, just one aspect of it. I just wanted to let everyone know this is a franchise I'm really enjoying and you should check it out if you're so inclined. Also, I wanted to state that I am new to the Metal Gear franchise so any of you hardcore fans reading this will hopefully cut me a little bit of slack if I don't 100% know what I'm talking about. Spoilers ahead, just so you know.

I'm actually here to talk about the relationship between Johnny Sasaki/Akiba and Meryl Silverburgh. Now, before I even got to MGS4, I had been spoiled about the Johnny/Meryl relationship and when I was spoiled, I was like, "okay, that's really cheesy and cliche, I'm not sure if I'm going to like that when I actually see it." And when I got to it, was it cheesy and cliche? Yes. Did I hate it? Surprisingly, no. I kind of liked it. I don't think their relationship was executed perfectly but I certainly do like them as a couple. Was it a little rushed? Yes. But was it unearned? I don't think so.

First of all, Meryl is a great character. I really enjoy her. I liked in MGS1, we meet her as this tough as nails soldier on the outside but on the inside, is really "green" and is just trying to understand who she really is and the kind of person she wants to be. She has these dreams of heroism and the like and she definitely projects her desire to be a hero onto Snake. By the end of the game, she still doesn't really know who or what she wants to be, but she realizes it's her choice to make which parallels pretty well with Snake going through his identity issues as well about not being a soldier simply because he has to, actively making the choice himself. And when we meet Meryl again in MGS4, she's this total badass, commander of her own unit, you can tell she is perfectly comfortable with who she is. But she still holds this fantasy of heroism, that fantasy still drives her. It's not necessarily about her being a hero but her applying heroism to those around her. She and Snake spend a little bit of the game at odds because of her projecting her heroism ideals onto him because she still sees him as the war hero she always thought of him as during their time in MGS1. She's at odds with her father because up until recently, she'd believed the man that was her father was actually her uncle. Basically, she's the child of an affair which makes it hard to reconcile seeing her father as the hero she used to see him as. She sees her father as a cheater and not worthy of the title of "hero". I bring up her hero projection issues because it plays a big part in her relationship with Johnny.

Johnny, throughout the franchise, has always been this background character. He doesn't actually get any sort of real characterization until MGS4. But man, when the franchise finally gave him some characterization, I really liked him. I just like that he's so different from a lot of the other characters. He's not the tough as nails, brooding hero. He's kind of a goof, he suffers from irritable bowel syndrome which affects him at really bad times. But he is a hero in his own way. For most of MGS4, we notice that whenever the system is being taken over, the nano machines in every soldier's brain causes them to go haywire. But Johnny always remains unaffected because he refused the nano machine injections. He's afraid of needles so he ducked out on the injections but it was also his goal to be on Meryl's team so he knew he would be at a disadvantage without the nano machines. Having the nano machines essentially means that the entire team can work as one but since Johnny secretly never took the nano machines, he was always out of sync with the rest of the team and the rest of the team saw him as more of an annoyance than anything else. But when Johnny confesses to Meryl about the nano machines, she realizes she had Johnny pegged all wrong. She saw initially saw Johnny as a bit of a goof, someone she couldn't really and truly respect but when he comes clean, she realizes exactly how brave and strong-willed Johnny truly is. She sees him as a hero. She had always been seeking out this idea of a hero and constantly applying those terms to Snake and her father and then constantly being let down when they couldn't live up to those expectations. But through Johnny, she sees the wide array heroes can come in and realizes the difference between the hero she wants and the hero she needs. The hero she wants is a fantasy, something that's seeped in dreams, it's not tangible but here she sees Johnny as not necessarily the hero she always envisioned finding and becoming but still possesses all the qualities a hero should have but just in a different way -- the hero she needs.

There's also another aspect in that Johnny reveals he's been in love with her since he first saw her in MGS1. And he joined her team in MGS4 because he wanted to be near her and be able to protect her. She sees this as dependability, someone who truly sees her and actively sought her out and puts her on top of his priority list. This plays into the issue she has with her father. She has a bit of an axe to grind because of her father's cheating and the fact that she's the child of an affair. It makes her feel that she can't trust anyone. But then, here's Johnny who tells her straight up and that he's here completely for her. She sees the potential in Johnny that he won't let her down, that he won't disappoint her.

Now granted, the whole Johnny being in love with Meryl since MGS1 is kind of where I have problems with the relationship because we're not actually shown much of anything from Johnny's perspective. Like I said, he was a background character until MGS4, so there's not really a whole lot of foundation for his feelings for Meryl. She beats him up and steals his clothes, that's basically their relationship MGS1. And then he mentions in passing how attractive she was in MGS2. Not a whole lot to go off of so you have to do a bit of head canoning when thinking about his side of the attraction. I mean, it could be as simple as Johnny being attracted to powerful women. I also like to think that when Meryl was shot by Sniper Wolf and then subsequently captured and tortured by Liquid Snake that Johnny was around, he did witness the things that happened to her and greatly admired her strength and will power to overcome it and that's where his feelings really stem from. But that's just a small part of the relationship dynamic I kind of had an issue with. On Meryl's sides of things, their relationship makes sense and is earned but not so much on Johnny's side textually. But, hey, imagination and head canons are what makes stories fun so I don't fault the franchise too much for it and I still really like the relationship.

So we get the totally cheesy scene where in the middle of a battle, Johnny confesses everything to Meryl and asks her to marry him in which she refuses only because she believes in doing things herself so she asks him to marry her instead and he accepts. Then they spend the battle watching each other's backs and talking about their future. Like I said, totally cheesy but still, it touched me and it's really cute and I love it. I also love that without the nano machines in play, Johnny and Meryl are actually in perfect sync with each other, constantly helping each other in that battle, watching the other's back so you really get this visual sense that although at first they might not seem compatible, they actually kind of are. The other teammates had to have nano machines in order for that compatibility in battle to work, but you take the nano machines out of the equation and you see how natural it is for these two and I love it. So I really enjoyed that.

Basically, I never had a difficult time believing in this relationship. A little bit of head canoning on Johnny's side, but really everything else is there. I love the relationship these two have, the mutual respect they found in each other, and I would be totally down for a spin-off game featuring these two. Probably never going to happen but hey, dreams are allowed.

[yupuffin]

Why I love Nezumi

I’ve now had a week or two to digest the tail end of Juuni Taisen, and I have another week or two ahead until I watch it again (actually for the third time) when Funimation releases the dub, and of course Juuni Taisen is all that has been on my mind since then. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head so it might help to write them down into a slightly more coherent mess.

Spoilers ahead! I recommend you finish the whole anime before proceeding!

(also just a quick warning this is a lOT LONGER THAN I INITIALLY INTENDED ;7;)

The vast majority of the time, when I watch an anime or read a manga, I will have one favorite character out of everyone, who I quickly latch onto visibly more than the rest. It’s not always easy to tell who will become my favorite when I start a new series. Especially not with the storytelling in Juuni Taisen, in which we barely get exposed to a character until they get one episode of “me” time and then promptly die. A few episodes in, I thought Dog was cool, Ox was cool, and Rat was okay (if only because I still have some mad respect for rats after watching/reading No. 6 a few times).

I semi-jokingly pondered to myself a few times that the only character I’d really get attached to was the one who got the most screen time and thereby won the Zodiac War -- in other words, the only one who didn’t die. Obviously, that’s what happened, although for additional reasons I hadn’t initially anticipated.

A few days after I finished the anime, I said to myself, “I was prepared for 99 things, but that ending was not one of them.”

By the time I started episode 11 for the first time, I hadn’t gotten full-on attached to Nezumi yet, beyond thinking he was kind of a neat character (mostly due to him surviving this long). But then, that STORYTELLING.

At the end of high school, I wrote an essay on another anime (Free! for anyone who’s curious) about the “hesitation effect,” a device used in writing to indicate a surreal, dreamlike and uncertain state. Put shortly, writers employ the hesitation effect via ambiguity and situations that are only just strange or unrealistic enough to make the reader stop and consider for a moment that maybe what’s happening isn’t 100% reality after all (hence the name).

Duodecuple launches into “Will you stay for an interview?” mode. Nezumi refuses, quietly gets up and heads for the elevator. In the middle of the descent, the elevator malfunctions, and Nezumi plunges to his death.

But then... it REWINDS! We’re back at Duodecuple going “Will you stay for an interview?,” followed by Nezumi refusing, quietly getting up and heading for an elevator - exactly as before. This time, foreseeing the elevator accident, Nezumi takes the stairs, only to be shoved from behind, (apparently) plunging to his death (again).

But then... it REWINDS! Again!

After enough iterations, I’m getting really sick of Duodecuple asking for an interview in the exact same tone, and it’s starting to give me a seriously creepy feeling. Moreover, watching Nezumi die several times in different, gruesome ways is far from pleasant. I’m laughing, but not because it’s funny - it’s that confused laugh that you get when a situation is really tense and strange and you want to dispel the pungent aura of anxiety from the air. I have no idea what’s going on, but what is certain is that this anime is making me feel exactly what it wanted me to feel.

Finally we get to Nezumi explaining how his special ability, “The Hundred Paths of Nezumi-san” (or “Hundred Click,” its Japanese name), allows him to read one hundred different outcomes of a situation and make his choice accordingly.

A few different lightbulbs go off in my brain at once. First is the satisfying “click” of the link bto the repeated death sequences. But perhaps more appealing is the second lightbulb moment. I’m brought back to one a quote from my favorite manga, Wild Adapter, written and illustrated by a genius named Kazuya Minekura. It goes something like: “There’s no point in regret -- no point in wanting to turn back time -- because there’s no guarantee that any choice is the right one.”

The genius of art is that two very different pieces can express the exact same notion. In this case, the two situations are opposite: as for Nezumi, he can find out exactly which choice is the right one, idealizing any situation to avoid regrets (supposedly!!). In the case of Wild Adapter, the character who thinks this quote went down a less-than-ideal path in life and ends up in a bit of trouble, but decides to think positively anyway precisely because he does not have Nezumi’s foresight ability to tell him “if I had made this choice differently a little while back, this is where my life would be right now.”

As Nezumi mentions later, there are some situations you could do-over one hundred times and still not have them work out. Things like that are just out of your control. Even if you think you slipped up somewhere, there’s no telling for sure that doing something different would have helped you come out the other side any better off. Regret can only do so much, so in a lot of cases it’s better to live without it.

That was just episode 11. That had me thinking hard for a long time. Fortunately, I was late enough for the hype train only had to wait a couple days for the final episode.

Knowing Nezumi was charged with coming up with one ideal wish out of one hundred possibilities, I started wracking my brain for real game-changing wishes that might make sense. Maybe he’d wish the Juuni Taisen would never occur again? Perhaps he’d wish away his special ability so he didn’t have to use a ton of effort just to overthink everything?

Most of the final episode was an anticipatory buildup. It was nice -- even a bit emotionally disarming -- to see all of the previous characters again, getting reminded why they existed and what they brought to the series. By the moment Nezumi was considering a hundred different wishes simultaneously, I was a nervous wreck. You’re totally overthinking this! I inwardly shouted at the screen. Just pick something! (My mindset is, if there’s so many good potential wishes, there isn’t really a “wrong” choice!)

Nezumi faced Duodecuple. “I’ve decided.”

I was leaning forward in my seat, staring almost accusingly at Nezumi as though doing so would make time move faster.

“Just let me forget.”

Feeling my tension evaporate, leaving behind an aching hollow feeling, I sat back down, essentially crouching in my seat. “Okay.”

As the episode drew to a close, I was feeling two very opposite feelings. One half of me was delighted, relieved, and felt like doing a happy dance because Nezumi was finally free of his trauma. The other half was grieving and wanted to turn off my computer and just have a good cry. Of course, the two of them conflicting and at a stalemate, I just sat there and stared at the wall for a while.

I was sad because such a simple wish felt very anticlimactic. If Nezumi forgot that the entire Juuni Taisen ever happened, then what was the point to the entire anime? Surely there were countless things he could learn from experiencing it, let alone one hundred separate times? Why wish for something dumb like “forget it happened?” Moreover, Nezumi was a level-headed, apathetic character throughout most of the series -- suddenly, in the final minute of the final episode, we have him crying right in front of our faces: a reveal of the unimaginable stress he hadn’t even hinted at until just now. I don’t know about you, but unexpected displays of emotion from serious characters tend to tug at my heartstrings quite a bit.

Which leads to the reason I was happy. Put most simply, it was refreshing and cathartic to see Nezumi finally content at the very end of the series, still alive, but having forgotten everything he and the reader had invested in the prior twelve episodes.

The thing is, “forget it happened” is far from a dumb wish. Sure, “I want a penguin” is probably a better wish from my standpoint, but when I think back to how anxious I was watching mere second-long clips of Nezumi dying while attempting to escape Duodecuple’s interview, I can’t imagine what Nezumi experienced dying -- probably violently -- ninety-nine other times in the failed Juuni Taisen “routes” and remembering every single one. I didn’t pay much attention when he first said it, but thinking back, his indication that those ninety-nine other deaths are still burned into his memory, even though they never happened, is crucial.

Another quote from Wild Adapter: “Sometimes it’s better not to remember.”

At a convention earlier this year, I gave a lecture-style panel on memory and trauma in the manga Deadman Wonderland. Long story short, my conclusion was the following: remembering traumatic experiences can be downright excruciating. In many cases, there are indeed things you can learn from them, but the question is whether this benefit outweighs the drawback of having to carry those memories with you as long as they last.

From Nezumi’s point of view, I would much rather forget dying 139 (99 plus the other 40) times than remember whatever satisfying tidbits on life I got from the experience.

As much as I would rather Nezumi have an emotional support penguin, forgetting trauma really is the best choice for him. Freed of the burden of overthinking one hundred outcomes of choices that can risk his life or death, he can go back to being a (relatively) normal high school student whose only expectations are to survive society, rather than a brutal war to the death among twelve fighters -- and then just use his ability whenever he thinks is necessary, like asking out a cute girl.

That being said, after all that, I’m sure if one of Nezumi’s top 100 wishes really is to have a girlfriend, or even a best friend, I’m sure there are plenty of members of this fandom -- including me -- who would be willing to oblige.

[some-flyleaves]

tonight on spontaneous media thoughts with a-flyleaf, some rambles on Paranoia Agent because yours truly just went and binged another old anime maybe two people and a paperclip have ever heard of!

so a few weeks ago I somehow got into the mini habit of watching videos on the side while drawing, splitting my desktop between art on one half and youtube on the other. somehow the videos of choice ended up being anime reviews, because I... I don’t know, really. :V I’ve watched like 5 anime now, this one included, and wasn’t particularly planning on adding any more to that little lineup. (keep meaning to check out cowboy beepboop but EH.) the lack of investment helps with the “wait did I just miss something” multitasking mood I guess...?

anyway it was a short-lived habit if only because I ran out of stuff that needed drawing aka Image Comic Process but I digress. Paranoia Agent first came to my attention indirectly through... something completely different! \o/

in entirely unrelated circumstances, stumbled upon this article a few days ago and the “realistic portrayal” example caught my attention. a brief comment dig later and the name was identified, and it... features a weird cartoon dog? the wikipedia premise intrigued me but it ended up on my hypothetical neverending list of stuff to check out.

I mention the review thing because, while procrastinating on everything earlier today, I found this video and it immediately caught my attention. and hey, looks like the whole dub is up on youtube, only 13 episodes so might as well!

...not that I’d. necessarily recommend the youtube dub upload. it lacks subtitles for the writing which is actually pretty damn essential.

go watch that review if you haven’t already, because it sums up the show better than I ever could and talks about what hooked me: a basis in psychology and experimental art.

AND NOW FOR MY ACTUAL THOUGHTS ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (to be formatted in bullet points later probably, again tfw mobile) edit 11/21: done, plus some additional thoughts after reading a few reviews/analyses around the web

it practically starts with a bang via baseball bat, and imo the first four episodes are the strongest of the series. in addition to the clever toying with art style as the video describes, we’re introduced to an ensemble cast of not necessarily likable but no less complex characters, and I always appreciate it when media doesn’t seem to be hitting you over the head (harhar) with LIKE THIS PERSON DAMMIT.

while I don’t have dissociative identity disorder and thus can’t speak to accuracy in its portrayal or weirdness in the subplot’s resolution, episode four three* also had one of the first examples I’ve seen of a character with “multiple personalities” that didn’t lean on the tired but one of them... is a MURDERER schtick.

*I initially got the numbering messed up here; the episode with the character who has DID is third, not fourth.

the entire series explores the idea of fiction and reality - no, this is neither the time nor place for the Shipping Debacle(TM), moreso in how fiction is a form of escapism both destructive yet necessary in just about everyone’s lives. the experimental elements play with this well, forcing the viewer to think about why the art is changing the way it does.

until around the end of episode 4*, it’s relatively clear when we’re getting a glimpse into a character’s psyche vs seeing what’s actually going on. and then the next installment hits, and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if a lot of people bail at this point. it’s not bad necessarily, but the line between fantasy and reality isn’t just blurred - save for a few quick cuts, said line is utterly trampled. symbolism runs rampant and it can be tricky to figure out exactly what’s Actually going on, if anything at all - more on this later.

*e: this time I actually do mean the fourth episode.

on the topic of symbolism, there’s definitely something symbolic going on with the crows/ravens (death?) and to some extent color (namely gold/yellow, green, and red) but I haven’t quite put my finger on it.

you know that thing the video says about Lil Slugger being a manifestation of mass hysteria and destructive escapism? (if you don’t, what are you waiting for >:V it’s about 10 minutes long if you skip the spoilery part.) turns out, he really truly is, and it’s not just metaphors.

spoilers ahead; I’d recommend going in blind but use your best judgment, I know I might not have been so intrigued if not for reading the entire wikipedia plot synopsis in advance. why do I keep getting into media by knowing the Big Reveals first.

on one hand, I really like Lil Slugger being both symbolic and a literal supernatural threat. what I’m much less sold on, however, is how the less explained aspects are incorporated, namely towards the end. (big spoiler warning again, last chance!)

so what exactly DID happen to Harumi with the weird clownish smile makeup? what’s all this prophetic babbling from an old dude who really likes chalk (and whose ramblings admittedly might’ve made more sense if I could actually read his stuff), and how does he know it? what’s the deal with the otaku dude and his magical talking figurines? who knows! who cares, I guess. it’s all in the name of thematic significance - or to put it ironically, ~it’s media~

I can respect that as an artistic direction but it can feel a bit stranger than necessary, and I wasn’t a huge fan of the ending. so, what, suddenly chief’s 2d dream world is an actual real place he goes to? the “darkness closing in” is an actual black blob? holy shit, I really must emphasize the otaku dude’s weird voodoo sculptures and bascially everything else about him. th... the ex-“good cop” is now a wannabe superhero?? you do have to read between the lines to an extent to really Get the characters at times, which I actually like, but imo this was pushing it.

actually even before the climactic sequence I was... less than thrilled with the wife’s monologue. for the most part the show is good about not talking down to the viewer, obligatory exposition sprinkles aside, but just in case you weren’t sure what the themes were yet, here they are ft. odd visual echoing that doesn’t seem particularly relevant to the speaker’s state of mind!

there’s a bit more thematic narm towards the finale, especially from local sidekick-turned-video game hero, but at that point I was too busy wondering what the hell was going on to be too bothered.

e: several analyses and a rewatch later, the end of Harumi’s episode seems less nonsensical. it still doesn’t quite explain when she found the time to throw on all that makeup, but as with many other aspects of the series I was left baffled by at first (up to and including weird old math man), it makes much more sense thematically. Paranoia Agent is not a show meant to be taken at face value and trying to understand it all literally is an exercise in futility - not for everyone, but if you are willing to reconsider how you’re parsing it, it’s worthwhile. ...I’m still confused by otaku dude’s figurines, though >:V

/endspoilers (for now)

DESPITE the spoiler-loaded nitpicking above, overall I found it a solid watch - and the irony of bingeing it to procrastinate on school isn’t lost on me, especially after an all-too-relatable vignette featuring a student in the throes of quadratic equations.

while it definitely includes some darker themes, up to and including an episode about three internet friends meeting up to carry out a sort of suicide pact (which again probably would’ve been clearer if the version I watched had subtitles for text), the tone never feels particularly hopeless. it deals with the self-detrimental effects of overindulging in escapism, sure, but isn’t exactly MEDIA IS BAD TECHNOLOGY IS SCARY THE NEW GENERATION SUCKS. (one character has a similar attitude but it’s based more in nostalgia than hatred of the modern.)

reality sucks but you gotta face it and own up to your fuckups, pal, sorry! but rest and respite are important, too, lest you end up like the animation monkey whose very animation becomes rougher as the sleep deprivation really kicks in.

yes, monkey. not literally but definitely in design (no sameface \o/) and arguably behavior. there were a few comedic moments throughout the show, albeit often dark and/or satirically based so YMMV on how much they actually lighten the mood. for what it’s worth, the episode with the aforementioned suicide pact was probably the overall funniest.

overall I would recommend it as a good thought-provoking series, although if you’re having trouble at the fifth episode I won’t blame you for not sticking it to the end. personally, I kept watching because A) I wanted to see just how the murderous baseball kid mystery turned out & B) the art and symbolism shenanigans up to that point, definitely including the intro, had already given me a few Ideas(TM) and I wanted to see what else was in store. worth it? sure, but don’t expect too many explanations on the supernatural parts.

okay one more spoilery detour - and it’s a VERY BIG spoiler that I am actually going to encourage you not to read if you plan on watching. seriously. (e: format isn’t a mistake, I think it works better connected in paragraphs.)

sooo after skimming the plot synopsis and watching that entire review video, I already knew the thing about Maromi being based on a dead dog and Lil Slugger being the mystery assailant. what I did not expect was even that being a lie, in a way that I won’t specify because I’ve said too much already. and while I question the use of what I’m guessing was pms of all things, I actually really liked that twist.

HOWEVER. given that it all comes back to Tsukiko, she was fucking robbed in the character arc department. I get that she’s quiet and secretive so we don’t get any real details on her past until last second, which imo was a really forced reveal (seriously what is WITH those anime girls and their magic prophetic video game), and again I do like how she pretty much has a victim complex and that basically causes everything.

what I don’t like is that we needed cop superhero dude to lay it all out for her in terms of Big Realization Moments. everything only really gets “resolved” because she finally comes to terms with & takes responsibility for her mistake, but what leads her to this action? guys yell at her for fucking up and everyone gets consumed by inexplicable black ooze? EHHHHHHH I don’t buy it.

the chief’s mini-arc with his wife, which unfortunately was more told than shown (sensibly, so we could get Slugger’s reactions to the story, but it doesn’t mean I’m happy with it), was predictable but IMO believable. I definitely don’t think every story has to have clearly-defined protagonist/antagonist characters, especially with the “antagonist” here being a man vs society type of setup, but the end sequence seemed confused on who the real “hero” was supposed to be.

Ikari got the Big Moments of realizing he couldn’t live a lie forever, of smashing his dream world. Tsukiko... gets to go back in time and hug her dog, I guess? where was her moment, however subtle, of realizing she actually doesn’t NEED this little pink dog to save and protect her from reality. if that was supposed to be conveyed when her younger self started making stuff up it... lost me, unfortunately. as far as I registered it went straight for the dog and apology.

e: and you know, after all the aforementioned reading, I’m still inclined to agree with my initial thoughts - HOWEVER. this is a show that lives, breathes, thrives on thematic significance. character development and miniature arcs happen, absolutely, but they’re not the focal point. I can appreciate the ending’s direction much more if I kick conventional thoughts on character progression to the curb.

oh, and the intro? with everyone laughing with chaotic and/or destructive backgrounds while the random mysterious old people get a fancy restaurant and the goddamn moon? guessing the latter is because ~universal themes~ or something but the formal setting after a series of Heck is a moment of fridge logic - the woman’s homeless. she’s probably no stranger to more ravaged settings.

e: oh yeah, and something else I noticed about the intro - everyone is laughing, yes, but Tsukiko’s doesn’t seem... real. everyone else (minus Lil Slugger I guess but his eyes aren’t shown) has the characteristic squint of a genuine smile, but she’s wide-eyed as ever. maybe foreshadowing how she’s the one behind all this...? hrmm.

alrighty no more spoilers For Real This Time, just some miscellaneous notes that didn’t really fit elsewhere

one side character has the same voice as my favorite character from Urasawa’s Monster so that was neat. turns out detective #2 also shares actors with Monster’s protagonist, which took me longer to catch onto but was VERY amusing once noticed.

there’s no overt fanservice, minus like one or two questionable angles that aren’t even in the spotlight. a couple episodes have some Unfortunate Closeups but they’re entirely in service of the story; you’re definitely not supposed to be comfortable with it.

WHERE ARE THE OFF CROSSOVERS.

e: actually, for various spoilery reasons, I would not be the least bit surprised if this influenced OFF to some extent. but that’s another ramble for another time.

[mistralrunner]

Running Reads Oathbringer: Part II.II

Spoilers for pages 371-409 ahead!

“As white as a sun at night” Idioms referencing Shadesmar?

Evi is channeling Eliza right now 

Look at where you are...would that be enough?

He will never be satisfied

I like Evi although I'm still suspicious that there's something more about her given Vasher's comments about Renarin's parent

"Like a blackness from the old stories. You live only by taking lives from others."

It's interesting what is being set up here, the darkness in humans being the likely greater enemy in a world where people want to believe the humans against evil narrative

At least Dalinar recognizes she deserves better and tries

How much of people overlooking Evi as not that smart was just because of her beliefs in the One

Ugh Gavilar bad husband Navani deserves better

Huh Evi brings up the Nightwatcher first...as a way to connect to the One? I guess that is a form of transforming oneself.

Ahhh Dalinar you did spare the kid aaaa

Also boo Gavilar boo for wanting a kid dead

And hmm Aona and Skai violated a pact? What pact?

Yes Lunamor pov with his full name to start

I'm glad we didn't leave the Shattered Plains entirely. Like Rock I've grown oddly fond of them.

Are there women training

Yes five scout ladies yes

I'm glad there's more than one too that really does help

Teft what are you doing you're supposed to be the reliable one

I like Rock’s respect to all spren

Ooh we finally see what he sees-a little into Shadesmar?

Ah Kaladin helping Hobber feels

I love the outside perceptions of Kaladin from Bridge Four

I love Kaladin and I love Bridge Four

It's really sad that even with magic powers Kaladin still might not be able to protect Bridge Four

Oh that makes sense as a way Rock moved from fourth to third brother why didn't I think of that

Aww Kaladin being there if Rock wants to talk about lost brothers

Heh Elhokar still wants a life changing road trip with Kaladin

Yes the Bridge Four Bridge was recovered

Where is Rlain? Is he training here

Aww he'd always been a cook

Not surprised the newcomers haven't managed to use Stormlight. They need more team bonding and Connection to have a chance.

Aww Renarin

Even Rock can't see Renarin's spren?

Renarin is Bridge Four. Bridge Four is greater than even the Windrunners.

Yes thank you for letting Renarin talk about his feelings

Yay Rlain's here but aww he's left out

I do feel strange about the Parshmen storyline essentially being dropped for the moment due to pov switch cause it is important

I love these interactions. I love Bridge Four

Ooo spren approach and watch

Please tell me they are good ones

Yay Syl!

Phew good ones I'm getting too nervous lately

Hehe they don't want to admit they were wrong to Syl

Spren drawing Stormlight huh

We kind of knew it could happen since Pattern was infused but this does make things more interesting

Especially after what Kaladin did with the Windspren

Okay the fact that Lopen can do the full Bridge Four salute makes me feel a little less weird about him regrowing his arm but still weird

Aww Lunamor's family

We need to introduce Bridge Four to snow forts

Something is wrong at the peaks? Concerning but not surprising given they're almost certainly Perpendicularities

Aww Rock was broken. They all were, it shouldn’t be surprising really, but still..

Oh Rock is technically first son now

Didn't think about that

The idea of Bridge runs being over makes me sad

They should fly with the bridge

Arrogant aren't you Shard? Given how Aona, Skai, Ati, Leras, and Tanavast ended up, I feel like Hoid made the right choice.

Are gemstones used in the visions used in real life?

Did we see this vision before? Why are these people fighting?

Pfft Dalinar frustrated the fragment of god into cursing

Dalinar: It's just a flesh wound! I've had worse!

So some humans did fight alongside the Voidbringers in the past

The Radiant’s a Stoneward?

Yep I was right.

So that's what Tension sort of does. That is pretty cool.

Yes Navani and Jasnah time thank you for mother daughter scholarship trip although a reunion scene between the two would have been nice

Regrowth devices? I wonder if that's what healed Szeth

Ladies on a scholarship trip I'm loving this

Navani acting like it's Middlefest cause ancient fabrials, Jasnah analyzing technology and timelines excellent

Aww Jasnah smiling

Yeah the recorded visions actually have done a lot of good. Like inspiring ladies to become lady knights. And scholarship too.

Ah Jasnah giving Dalinar advice on heresy XP

Thank you for Jasnah being a well written atheist who respects others’ right to believe 

"I don't need company to be confident."

I love Jasnah so much "/You/ decide how you are defined. Don't surrender that to them."

"No, none would think Jasnah emotionless if they'd witness that tearful reunion between mother and daughter." I’m glad for the confirmation that it was tearful and heartfelt, but if only we could have actually witnessed it Sanderson.

Rock that's burned, rock that's crushed, rock with holes, rock that's rippled, match the rock effect with the magic that caused it!

I do wonder where this battle took place

I do hope our final encounter isn't as sad as the Aharietiam although I also wouldn't expect it to be the polished and glorious heroics of songs at least not entirely

Oh hey the preface scene with the Honorblades. Or rather after it.

What are the Tranquiline Halls. And Damnation for that matter

You know you were in bad situation if even the Stormfather has somewhat accepted you breaking oaths. Poor Heralds.

Ooh yes please Stormfather please give exposition

Huh beings Invested enough that they could refuse to pass on so Cognitive Shadows or something else?

Parshmen have spren? Are spren? What?

Are all the spren of Odium born of Parshmen? Who is more in control in the Fused? Why can they command Surges as well?

Expositionnnn

Odium is sealed by Honor and Cultivation. Even still with Honor broken?

Oh that's what the Oathpact was. Sealing the spren of the dead into Damnation, wherever that was.

Oh that is messed up. An oath sealed by people who can break it, and Desolations begin when one person gives into the eternal torture and then they're hailed as Heralds and heroes when they're the ones who let the apocalypse come.

Taln took the torture of ten for far longer than they ever bore it before probably

Far far longer apparently yikes

I didn't realize the span between Desolations got that short. I always saw them as hundreds of years apart but a shorter and shorter span really explains why society fell apart that much.

What determines a Desolation's end though? All the Fused spren going back to Damnation? How do you keep track?

Poor Heralds

Huh I wonder how much being bonded plays into the Stormfather's increased understanding and forgiveness of the Heralds

I'm kind of curious about the layout of Damnation if the Heralds could hide and fight there

I have more feels about Taln than before. "The one who was not a king, scholar, or general" but who never gave in...and paid dearly for it. Four and a half millennia....

People are messy, broken heroes and traitors both

Heh took you long enough Dalinar to realize that guy was Taln and oh you lost track of him oh dear

Oh

That's bad

Really bad

Oathpact gone and Fused just regenerate in Everstorm

Oh that's bad

Not just the regenerating enemy

But the fact that it means that killing Fused will lead to un-Fused Parshmen getting possessed and losing themselves, thus restoring Fused

So some people might be prompted to decide to genocide the race they once enslaved to prevent Desolations...

Not good not good

What did happen to Taln’s Honorblade

Sorry Dalinar, you're not going to find Taln so easily

Unfortunately Stormfather by rule of narrative they're going to find out why the Radiants abandoned their oaths. I wonder if it has to do with what happens to a Radiant's soul after they die.

Let's hope there's enough character growth and healing that these broken people can withstand the truth when it eventually comes

I would be interested in locating the Heralds

I wonder if any Shardbearers we've seen are actually Heralds

It'd be hilarious if that assassin Jasnah considered using to kill Aesudan was one

Hmm so what was Cultivation doing to stop Odium cause this narrative has mostly centered on Honor related things

Still

I KNOW THINGS

I LOVE MYTHOLOGY INFODUMPS

[hyroole]

(There are definite 100% spoilers in this) I wanted to write a review of sorts of BOTW. I might forget some things, but here are my pros and cons of the game:

PROS: -the graphics, of course. The game is beautiful. I love that at certain angles there’s rainbow light spots from the sun, I also like how nothing was just ‘placed’, every tree and every object looks good. The style is very realistic, yet very Zelda. I really can’t praise the graphics enough. -exploration. The map is HUGE. Every time I have to go somewhere, I forget how long it really takes to run from one spot to another. You also always find something new or interesting along the way. Exploring is one of every Zelda fan’s favorite things to do, I think, and this game really gives you the ability to explore every single area. -side quests. There’s so many fun ones that are interesting and unique to Zelda and quests that also have great/funny/interesting dialogue to read. I personally loved getting Link's house and helping build Tarrey Town, I’m always a sucker for building things like towns from the ground up (why I love Animal Crossing and games like Harvest Moon/Rune Factory). There are also a lot of other interesting side quests that help give the game much needed life. -the music. I especially love the opening theme. It sounds so unique to Zelda games, but also EXACTLY like something that belongs in a Zelda game. (I do also miss the more charming music, like when you’re in a house, you all know the song). The music when a dragon is near is also a favorite. The Blood Moon song and when a guardian is attacking you are also great, anxiety-inducing songs. The only problem is, I wish there was more music. I like when it’s quiet while roaming a field or forest, but sometimes I wish music was playing. -towns. Hateno Village is huge and very nice to look at. There are 8 (I think?) towns to explore, which to me, is great. I was so surprised and excited when I stumbled upon Lurelin Village right when I thought I had seen the last village in the game. -the puzzles. Finding the Korok seeds is fun and an added bonus in the game. I think the shrines are really fun, and really annoying at times. I love how detailed and sometimes difficult each one is. (Although, I get sick of the same color scheme and design in each one. It really makes me miss the themed temples in past games, will continue in cons). -the characters. I think this time around we really get some good characters with interesting and fleshed out stories. Zelda and her dad, for example, are very interesting, and if you haven’t already, I would highly recommend finding and reading each of their diaries after finding all of the memories. Zelda herself, this time around, is definitely a fan favorite. She's very likable and interesting, it's a shame about that voice though (lmao, will continue). I’m also pretty happy that there are some non-white appearing side characters (besides the Gerudo of course). The only problem with the characters, which I’ll write about in the cons, is there’s not many we “get to know” and the ones we roughly get to know, we get no emotional attachment to. -collecting. Being able to cook is really fun and makes the game feel more modern, as I think it was meant to. I believe this game is the most “present” of the games, and it is also a land that is in ruins, so it would make sense that there’s a lack of random ruppes and hearts hidden in the grass, which leads us to have to cook for survival. Also collecting every type of weapon and shield and armor is fun. I also like having to collect the pictures for the Hyrule compendium, it’s not as good as the pictograph sculptures in Wind Waker, but it’s still cool, especially since you can pay to have a nicer picture in your compendium. -the physics engine. I use that term “loosely” because I barely know what it means (I’m not someone who knows a lot of terms like that lmao). But based on my understanding, it’s amazing. You can truly do so much in the game. You can test out how high the vertical limit is in the game by placing balloons on a rock and floating into the sky. You can travel by log if you want. It’s way too much fun trying to find what you CAN’T do. -the connections to past games. Discovering that Lon Lon ranch was destroyed years ago was completely heartbreaking. Recognizing the Temple of Time and realizing it’s in ruins was as well. When the master sword lights up in the final memory and makes that familiar sound, it was really just exciting. It made the world of Zelda feel more real and alive. I wish there was more lore to go along with it (will continue in cons).

CONS: -the story is lacking. It begins so interestingly and so full of potential, but then it falls short. There aren’t enough “temples”, there isn’t enough lore, and the memories don’t really coincide with actually experiencing things for yourself. It’s hard to get to “know” and like the characters when you’re only “secondhand” meeting them and experiencing their personality and story. I love the open world aspect, but it just doesn’t feel like Zelda without more of a story. -weapons. The variety of weapons is very cool and I like discovering new ones and collecting them all, but them being able to break so easily is annoying. I think the concept of them wearing down and you having to collect more is interesting, but they should be more durable. It feels like just as soon as you begin to get a feel for a certain (rare, probably) weapon, it breaks. I will say, however, I’m glad the Master Sword can’t actually break, that would be a disaster. (I wish I could say the same for the Hylian Shield). I also think the lack of “key weapons” makes this game feel a little more desolate and less like Zelda. I’m not saying they’re necessary, but I do miss items like the hookshot or the iron boots and so on. They’re really iconic Zelda aspects. -I have to say it, the sexualization of Zelda. This isn’t a HUGE issue, but it’s something that is bothering me, and hopefully some others. Zelda is 16, and then 17. In what way was it necessary for them to “define”/“emphasize” Zelda’s butt so much to the point where I can’t watch a video without everyone in the comments saying “that ass”? It’s blatant and really gross and unnecessary, especially because they clearly have her bending over, etc. -200 points for that, Nintendo. We all see it. -the voice acting. There were some characters’ voices I liked, and some I HATED. In my opinion, Zelda’s voice is all wrong. It’s way too grating and posh, I never pictured her sounding like that, it really ruined every single memory for me. The other voices were simply OK. They could have been better. -the final boss. So…. was it just me or was the greatly feared, the disastrous, the evil, Calamity Ganon incredibly easy to beat? I didn’t die a single time, I wasn’t even close, and I’m a Zelda player who dies CONSTANTLY and over stupid things. But the final boss was easier than one of the temple bosses? -the “temples”. I was really disappointed when I found out there were only four and they were essentially all the same with the same boss. What happened to all the variety and the themed temples with a matching themed boss? It gets really boring after four temples when they all look exactly the same and have essentially the same boss. It was a little hard to get the motivation to beat ANOTHER temple that looked and felt the same. Couldn’t they have made each Divine Beast a different color scheme or used the elements of each one just a little more? This con is forgivable because of how big and varying in environments the world is and how much you can explore, however. -the lore. This goes along with the story con, as well as the connections to past games in pros. BOTW is missing some essential Zelda parts, one of which is lore. This game is really an epic, or I guess it would be if it had more lore. There’s not much connecting us to Ganon, other than the fact that we have to help Zelda and the champions defeat him/it. He doesn’t even have a human form, a voice, or any dialogue. I would have AT LEAST liked to learn why or how he exists the way he does in the first place. There is also little information about those past game connections I praised earlier. They’re just THERE, which makes me feel sad, but I am happy to at least feel something, which is hard in this game with the lack of an emotional connection to pretty much anything.

There’s probably more, but I can’t think of them right now. Remember, these are just my opinions. If you want to make your own lists, go ahead (even tag me tbh), thanks for reading! (If you did).