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cordonian-literature · 4 years

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The Aftermath - Ch. 19

While the Nation Mourns

SUMMARY: Hana is reunited with Riley, and Liam must attend a funeral

Word Count: ~4.4k

Warnings: mention of character death, mention of depression

*All characters belong to Pixelberry, except those that are unique to my story (I’ve also used some characters and fictional instances from Donna Tartt’s “The Goldfinch”)*

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I’m sorry, the tags are being weird and I don’t know if they’re working or not... but I hope I got everyone down! If I missed someone, or anyone wants to be added/removed, let me know <3

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- Hana -

For a very long time, Hana felt that her existence was a very irritable thing for both herself and those around her.

The love that she attempted to give to the ones around her was unrequited. No matter how much time she tried to spend around her husband — in a desperate attempt for him to redevelop affections for her — the more it seemed as if he wanted to be rid of her.

Even though he sent her many gifts whenever he would go abroad, the dresses, shoes, jewelry, and designer outfits didn’t matter to her. She did not have, nor want the materialistic quality that everyone suspected of a lonely housewife — no, she wanted to devle herself into meaningful connections with people she cared for. Her heart was always empty and alone because there was no one around her who loved her.

During her time in Lythikos after the tea ceremony, Olivia was kinder to Hana than she was during her first Social Season, and it was a breath of fresh air to be reminded that she was not just a burden; once again Hana felt like someone whose company was valued.

She remembered the feeling from her friendship with Lady Kiara and Lady Penelope. And from her relationship with Lady Riley.

Those friendships had all dissolved, and Hana was left with the fact that life was a dreadful and lonely place and she needed to find a way out.

Ever since her parents had forced her to marry Neville, joy had become a hot commodity in Hana’s life.

For five long, vile years, during which Hana and Neville were told that her estradiol levels would make it difficult for her to conceive, and Neville beginning to slowly ignore her — she lived life believing that she was one of those people who had done nothing to deserve happiness.

Though now, as the Beaumont estate came into view, the excitement was almost overwhelming. After all this time, she would see Riley again.

A servant opened the door, and a few moments later, Hana and Olivia were greeted by Lord Maxwell, Duchess Savannah, Drake, Duke Bertrand, and King Liam. Hana had to stop herself from embracing each of them.

After quick introductions, Bertrand urged Hana and Olivia to the dining room, where everyone had just finished dinner. Plates were set for them, and they were left alone to eat.

Hana heard music coming from the direction of the ballroom while she pushed her food around her plate, and she noticed Olivia occasionally looking up and glancing towards the door.

Before Hana’s wedding to Neville, she had learned more about Olivia’s affections for Liam, and she knew how Olivia never acted on them. Hana notices a look of longing and despair flash behind the Duchess’ eyes when she looked up from her meal.

When Hana had forced herself to clear everything from her plate, she announced to her companion that she was going to go to the ballroom to see what everyone was doing. Hana notices a look of hopelessness flash on the Duchess’ face, but instead of stating that she would come with, Olivia tells her that she will retire for the night.

The sound of classical music gets louder as Hana approaches the ballroom. She comes through the doorway to see two short figures dancing; they were moving too quickly for Hana to see their faces. On the tables closest to the dance floor are Liam and Drake sitting near one another, Bartie on a table by himself, and Maxwell whispering something to a dark-haired woman, who giggled at every word.

Hana looks back at the two dancers, who she notices are doing the Cordonian Waltz. They continue to turn and spin quickly, and Hana still can’t see who they are. But when they finish their dance and turn to the small audience, Hana notices the shape of their faces, their foreheads, their smiles, the way their eyes crinkle, and the silky dark hair — all engraved deep into her memory. Riley’s children, she realizes.

“Hello,” Hana announces herself to the room in a soft voice. Thankfully they hear her over the music, and Liam stands.

“Forgive me, Countess.” Liam motions towards the little ones. “I wasn’t able to introduce you to the children before. They’ve been learning traditional dances throughout the day.” The children slowly walk towards Liam. “Gabriel, Eleanor, do you know who this is?”

“Of course!” Gabriel says, the sound of his smile behind every word. He bows respectfully. “It’s very nice to meet you, Countess Hana of Comery Isle.”

“Nice to meet you!” Eleanor greets.

“A pleasure to meet you both as well!” Hana takes a quick moment to regard the children; there was no doubt Gabriel was Liam’s son, for the politeness and the warm welcome came naturally to the boy, which was something that Hana did not expect from such a small child. Eleanor was every bit playful like her mother.

Hana glances at Liam, she’s stunned at the adoration and pride on his face.

“Did... you have a nice trip?” Gabriel asks, tentatively. “I heard it was a long ride.”

“My trip was very pleasant, thank you,” Hana responds. The large smiles on their faces were contagious, but both of the children’s expressions melt into respectful concern, and Hana thinks it’s adorable.

“Are you tired?” Eleanor asks. “You can go to sleep if you want!”

Liam and Hana laugh at the girl’s suggestion. Before any of them can speak, Maxwell calls to the children: “Baby blossoms, come look at this!”

Gabriel and Eleanor each take a step in Maxwell’s direction, but turn back and give Hana one final nod. She laughs at what she expects is newly-learned etiquette, and turns back to Liam.

“Where is Riley?” Hana asks, eager to get to the point of why she came to Ramsford in the first place.

Liam nods towards the ballroom doors. “She has a room in the east wing. A doctor came to check in on her a while ago, and now she is resting.” Noticing Hana’s face fall, Liam continues, “Hopefully you will be able to speak to her in the morning.”

“Do you think there is a chance that she will remember me?” Hana wonders. I do not wish to be no one to her.

Liam’s breath hitches, “Hana... forgive me, we forgot to tell you. Riley got her memory back.”

Her hand flies to her mouth, and her whole body shakes. “What?” Do I still occupy a place her in heart, just as she does in mine?

“I meant to tell Duchess Olivia when I called her, but my mind was occupied.”

“I understand. At least Riley’s memory is one less thing for us to worry about.” Hana turns to look at Liam, whose brows are furrowed. “Have you been able to speak to her?”

Liam slowly shakes his head. “No, not really. I found her in tears last night. Along with her memories of us, she also remembered her husband’s death. I did not wish to stress her further by putting more on her plate.”

After carefully thinking about what she was going to say, Hana speaks up again. “Have you heard what happened to the Queen Mother?”

Liam’s expression doesn’t change, and Hana suspects that he did not hear her.

Finally he speaks up. “Yes, they called me when they were bringing her to the hospital. They did not know she was already dead.”

“And what about the stolen art? And the missing pieces from her collection?”

“An investigation is ongoing. I’ve also increased security at the palace. I refuse to cancel or delay the Social Season due to Regina’s death. She was no one of consequence to me, and her decisions have ultimately done no good for Cordonia. A week given to mourn her should be enough, and it will not interrupt the festivities.”

Hana almost flinches at the cruel words, but understands where Liam is speaking from. After hearing about what Regina did to Riley, Hana began putting the blame of her terrible life on Regina, too. If Riley hadn’t left, there was no doubt in her heart that all of their lives would have been better.

“Will you and your husband be joining us this year?” Liam asks her. The edge of his mouth twitches. He knows that I won’t avoid it now that Riley is back.

“Yes, though the Earl will be arriving a little late,” she tells him.

He nods, and then looks away from Hana and towards the children. The adoration that she noticed before is back.

“The funeral for the Queen Mother is tomorrow,” Liam says suddenly. Hana notices his face fall, and wonders why.

“That quick?”

“I was the one who requested it to be done as soon as possible.” After a pause, his voice is rough when he says, “The faster we are rid of her, the better.”

Hana glances between Gabriel and Liam. “Will the boy be going with you to the funeral?”

“I wish to bring him with, and I am sure that Cordonians expect him to make a public appearance soon, but I do not think that it would be appropriate.”

“Then you will leave them here?”

“Yes... but I do not wish to.”

After a pause, she says, “I can help the children in their lessons tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you, Countess, but...” He trails off, and Hana wonders what he is thinking about. “Perhaps I will bring them with, but that does not mean they have to attend the funeral service.” There’s a mischievous grin on Liam’s face, and Hana laughs to herself. Liam trying to spend time with Riley’s children was heartwarming.

Hana finally announces that she will retire, and everyone bids her a “Good Night.”

While a servant leads her up to her room, Hana has to force herself to follow and not run off to try and find Riley’s room.

When she changes and gets into bed, she has to calm the excitement in her heart. She would speak to Riley again soon. The morning was not too far away.

...

As her eyes flutter open, Hana is proud that she was able to wake up on her own. When she turns around and sees that it’s half past nine, she shoots up out of bed, ashamed.

They all must have eaten breakfast already. Now they will be burdened with my tardiness and my nonexistent appetite.

She rushes to put on her clothes, forcing herself through the processes of washing her face, brushing her teeth, and combing her hair. Taking a glance in the mirror, she notices that she looks worn out. Her shoulders slump. Hana thinks to herself that she must try harder to better her appearance, but her heart begins to scream, What if Riley is at the breakfast table? Don’t take so long!

She averts her eyes from the mirror and rushes out of the room. Looking at the familiar decor, she realized that she was also in the east wing.

Hana turns her head, trying to find an open door, or at least a servant that could guide her to where Riley was.

And then, when she turns her head to quickly glance into a room, thinking that it was empty, Hana stops suddenly. There’s a figure in the room, and it’s painfully familiar.

The moment was surreal. Hana turned to look at Riley, whose face has gone pink and chin has wrinkled. Neither of them move a muscle, and Hana is almost afraid to approach her. My eyes must be tricking me. Perhaps I’m still tired.

But Riley takes in a shaky breath, her whole body quivering. “Hana?” she says, her voice breaking.

And then when Hana picks up her feet and runs towards Riley, she doesn’t even realize how much effort the action took her.

Riley’s arms are around her neck, and Hana squeezes her waist. They tuck their heads into each other’s necks, grabbing at each other’s shoulders as if to make sure that the moment was truly real.

Neither of them move. It wasn’t that they couldn’t — they just didn’t want to. Hana realizes that this is perhaps the longest embrace she has ever had, and she tightens her arms around Riley.

“Ow,” Riley whispers, and Hana jumps out of their embrace.

“Sorry!” She looks Riley up and down. Riley was standing balanced on one foot, for the other foot had a cast on it. “Here, sit down.” Hana helps Riley hop to the side of the bed, their hands intertwined.

When both of them take a seat, their hands are still locked together.

“Hana, I’m the one who’s supposed to be sorry.”

Hana shakes her head quickly. “Please, don’t feel the need to apologize on my account.”

“But Hana—” Riley’s words cut out as she begins crying. Tears fall down Hana’s eyes, too.

“Riley, I was the one who refused to show up to the U.N. party that night. I left you alone, I should have—”

“Hana. All you did was take some time for yourself, which was what you needed. I’m the one who made a stupid decision and left for ten years.”

“You left because that was what you thought was best for your son. That was the best thing for you to do, we were the ones who should have tried harder to find you—”

“I was the one who shouldn’t have hid myself like that. I made a stupid mistake, and instead of trying to come back and fix it, I let it turn into an even bigger mess. And I’ve ruined so many lives in the process.”

“No, you haven’t,” Hana claims.

“But I have. Look at Liam. Honestly I can’t understand why he never got married to another woman, why he didn’t just forget about me, and why he isn’t angry at me?”

“Isn’t that a good thing? That he’s not angry?”

Riley bites her lower lip, deep in thought. “I think if he was angry then it would be easier. We can’t even talk to each other now. Neither of us know how to start the conversation. He asked me if I would have dinner with him tonight, and for some reason I’m so nervous about it.”

“Well... is there something specific that you want to tell him? Above anything else?”

“Honestly, the first thing was going to be that Gabriel was his son. Now that that’s out of the way... I don’t know. And, yeah I’m a little upset that he’s pushing the kids into the spotlight... but now I understand it. I just hope they don’t get overwhelmed. And if they do, it’ll all be my fault.”

“Riley, stop that.” Hana puts her hand on Riley’s shoulder. “You can’t blame yourself for everything that happened.”

“But I’m the one who set these terrible events in motion.”

“Those actions weren’t permanent. And look at you know.” She gestures at the room around them. “You’re back in Cordonia, and hopefully everything will go back to normal soon.”

Riley forces out a laugh and smiles. “As normal as we can make it. There are two new people in the group, and things are so weird between me and Liam... but enough about my problems.” Riley shifts herself so that she’s fulling facing Hana. “Tell me about how you’ve been holding up!”

Hana’s face falls, and she barely manages a smile before saying, “I married Neville.”

Riley’s jaw flies open. “No!” she exclaims. “You told your father you weren’t interested in him!”

“And then when he and my mother discussed it, they told me that didn’t matter.”

“So they forced you?!” Riley screams.

Hana swallows a lump in her throat. She can’t bring herself to speak, but she manages a nod.

“You... you can’t get out of it or anything?”

Hana shakes her head, and after stopping a few tears from escaping, manages, “No. Not without reason.”

“Being a pompous self-centered prick is reason enough. No one should have to deal with someone like that.” Suddenly, Riley’s eyes go wide. “Oh, my God. He isn’t here with you, right?”

“No,” Hana tells her. “He will join for the Social Season, but a few days late.”

“Good!” Riley states, a large smile plastered over her face. “He’ll be here soon enough, and when he arrives, we’ll find our reason.”

After a moment’s hesitation, Hana gives a wide grin. “Alright.”

“Well, well, well,” someone says from the doorway. They turn to see Duchess Olivia. “Finally Hana’s come to her senses. You should have tried to leave that man years ago.”

“Olivia!” Riley cries. She stands and tries to hop over to Olivia, but Olivia rushes over to help Riley balance herself. Riley wraps Olivia in a hug, and she slowly returns it. When they part, Hana is shocked to see a smile on her face.

“Yes, yes, it’s nice to see you, too, welcome back.” She steps back and looks both Riley and Hana up and down. Finally she turns back to Riley and says, “Your children.”

“What about them?”

“How much self defense do they know?”

“I’ve taught Ella how to use pepper spray,” Riley answers.

“And the boy?” Olivia continues to ask.

Riley shrugs. “He plays soccer. He can give a mean kick to the shins.”

Olivia massages the bridge of her nose. “So no real self defense training?”

Riley shakes her head. “No.”

“If you don’t mind, I will guide them through the basics later today.”

“Sure. But make sure they don’t play around with sharp objects. They can be little devils some times.”

Olivia turns to leave, but continues, “Oh, please, they’re not babies.”

“What does that mean?” Hana asks, concerned.

“I’ll give them slightly blunted knives.”

Before anyone can say anything else, Olivia is already around the corner and out of sight.

“How blunted is ‘slightly blunted’ on Olivia’s scale?” Riley asks.

“We can ask her about it later, and perhaps replace them with wooden knives.” Hana turns to Riley and asks, “Have you had breakfast yet?”

“No, I’ve been eating a bit late these last two days.”

“I’ll call the servant staff to bring something up to us!” Hana suggests.

Riley gives a little a laugh. “Bring us a feast worthy of returned ladies of the court!”

- Gabriel -

Cordonia’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. True, I haven’t seen much of it yet, so I really wasn’t in a position to judge, but at least I could say that the landscape was really pretty.

I was in a really long limo with Liam and Eleanor. He told us that he had to go to the capital for an event today, and wanted us to come with. Mom allowed it, so some time after breakfast a large limo with flags on the back bumper rolled into the front of the building.

Apparently some servants brought Liam some clothes he could wear, and when he changed into them, he looked serious, even though there was still that welcoming smile on his face. His suit had lots of medals with symbols that I had never seen before. Ella and I put on some formal clothing that Grandma had packed for us.

The seats inside of the car were in a “U” shape, so Liam sits in the back of the car, while I sit on the seats to his left, and Ella sits in front of me.

He told us that the drive was a little long, so we spent the first half hour looking out the window at the scenery, which looked like it came right out of a painting.

“Have you two taken a road trip before?” Liam asks us.

“When we went to Disneyland in Florida we did,” Eleanor answers.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yup!” she replies. “We played games!”

“Which games? We can play them now if you wish.”

“Okay!” Ella exclaims. “Let’s do I Spy. I spy with my little eye something black!”

“Ella, the entire inside of the car is black,” I remind her.

“No!” she whines, pointing at the door handle. “That’s gray! Anyway, Gabe gets a point! Your turn!”

I look around the inside of the car, trying to find a unique color that Ella wouldn’t be able to guess easily. “I spy something yellow,” I say.

“The sun!” she guesses.

“No.”

“My dress?”

“Nope.”

She takes a moment to look around wildly before going, “Liam’s hair!”

“Wrong,” I say. Liam starts to laugh, and I join in.

“Liam, do you see anything yellow?” Ella asks him.

He joins her in looking around the inside of the limo, but doesn’t say anything.

“We give up!” Ella declares.

I point to Ella’s shoes, and when she realizes how simple the game actually was, we all begin to laugh.

For the next few hours, we quickly pass by small and quaint towns. Liam tries to entertain us by explaining the traditions of those regions.

Eventually, we near a large crowd of people, and they wave at the car as we pass by.

“Both of you stay here. I’ll be back momentarily.” Someone opens the door for Liam, and he shuffles out.

We watch him join the crowd of people, and I recognize some of them.

“Is that... Duke Landon?” I wonder aloud.

Ella comes next to me to look out my window. “And that’s... Duchess... the Duchess of Portavira!” she cries.

“Uh huh.” I turn to her. “And what’s her name?”

“Em... Emily?” she hesitates.

“Close. Duchess Emmeline.”

“Agh,” Ella exclaims, sitting back down. After a few moments, she cries, “Snacks!”

I turn around to look at her and find that she’s found small packages near the front of the car, behind the wall that separates us from the driver.

“Are you sure you don’t have to pay for those?” I ask her.

She stands up straight, putting a pack of trail mix back where she found it from. Reaching into her pocket, she tells me, “I have three dollars.”

I walk towards her to inspect the money. “Those are American dollars. You can’t use that here.”

“Why not?”

“Because they use different money in Europe. Where did you get the three dollars from anyway?”

“I always keep three dollars with me.”

I pause to stare down at her. “Why?”

“Because.” She reaches back into the pile of snacks. “Sometimes I get hungry, and Daddy told me that if I want snacks, I have to have money.” Ella looks closely at what she picked up. “Apple slices with caramel dip?” she whispers.

“I think you should ask Liam before you take anything. This is his car.”

She puts everything back into the pile and we both take a seat. When we look out of the window again, we see that Liam is talking to the crowd, and some people have started crying. He stands next to a large painting of an old woman.

“Who’s that?” Ella asks.

“I don’t know...” I tell her. “Maybe Liam will tell us when he comes back.”

Ella turns to look at me, then stares at my face for a few moments. “Are you going to keep calling him Liam?” she questions.

I shrug and answer, “I guess so. What else should I call him? His proper title is ‘Your Majesty,’ since he’s the King.”

“I still don’t believe that.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Then why were they cheering when the car came by?”

She shrugs and turns away. “Maybe they wanted to make him feel good about himself. But, shouldn’t you call him ‘dad’?”

“Why would I do that?”

“...Because he’s your dad. Mama said you should start, so you have to.”

I slump back into my seat. “But I don’t really want to. I’ve called him ‘Liam’ so for so long, and I’ve called Dad ‘dad’ for so long, and it’s going to be weird to change it.” I look up at my sister. “Are you going to start calling him ‘Dad’?”

“He’s not my dad.”

“It’s not like you have anyone else to call ‘dad’.” I start coughing, and she stares at me before turning away.

After thinking for a while, she answers, “True. What do you think about ‘Mister Dad-Man’?”

“I hate it.”

“‘Mister Gabe’s Father’?”

“I hate that more.”

She squints her eyes at me in anger. “You’re not helping me.”

“Oh. Was I supposed to?”

She crosses her arms and moves back towards the front of the car. Grabbing a bag of trail mix, she throws it at me.

“No!” I scream. “That is not—” I dodge away from another thing she throws “—that is not the proper behavior of a young lady!” Since she keeps throwing things at me, I scream, “LIAM’S GONNA BE MAD AT YOU. Oh, look, there he is!”

“Where?” She runs to the window near me, and we both notice Liam being led back to the car by some guards. Lots of people with cameras follow behind them.

We rush to put all the snacks back into the little box. We’re both near the front of the car when Liam takes a seat. He looks so serious that he could be a completely different person. I smile at him, and when he catches my eye, smiles back. “I apologize for taking so long. What are you both doing?”

“We were hungry,” Ella tells him.

“Would you like to get something to eat before we return?” he asks us.

Ella and I look at each other, beaming. “Yes, please!” we say in union.

“Wonderful.” The car starts to move, so we take a seat. “What would you like to get?”

“Donuts!” Ella cries.

I wanted real food, but wasn’t going to complain about donuts.

Once we come near the store, Ella tells Liam she wants to go inside and get the donuts herself. Liam says that he’ll go with her, but Bastien opens the door and says that might not be a good idea. Liam hands Ella some money, then watches her through the window of the car.

Bastien carries the box of donuts and follows Ella towards the car. Once she’s seated, Liam takes the box.

For the rest of the ride, we eat our donuts while Liam tells us funny stories from his trips to different countries. We spent the time by laughing, and we don’t even realize it when the driver opens the door to tell us we’ve arrived to Ramsford.

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scottbeyer80-blog · 5 years

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transition-of-lanabean · 6 years

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Well hi there! Just a little bit of a broken record, but it’s been a while huh? I decided that as I didn’t really have anything to post, I haven’t lately. So, instead of the usual daily/weekly update, this is what’s been going on in my life the last month+ since posting. As it’s been a while, here’s a long update.

Photos 1 and 2 are recent ones, with the top being my recent movie trip with my sister. One of many, but it was a beautiful day, and we went to see Ant Man and The Wasp on Thursday. Friday was Oceans 8 as well, so back to back movie days.

Photo 2 is a picture with a necklace I recently picked up (I picked up another one that has a kitty, but I don’t have a picture of that yet). I also have a couple of bracelets as well, no pictures of those as well. Bottom line though, starting to pick up some jewelry here and there. Nothing expensive, as in like, nothing over $5 from the local second hand store. They’re pretty and I’m happy with them.

The next photo is from lunch a few days ago. Why? Why not? Tasty pizza from Pagliacci's Pizza. There are a few not too far away from me, but this location was one near my doctor, in Seattle near Queen Anne. It’s not the best of pizza, but I like it, and it’s not too terribly expensive.

Speaking of my doctor visit, it was my annual exam. It will be 2 years HRT July 25th, so about 2 1/2 weeks away. My labs are looking pretty good, though my testosterone level is still a bit high. It jumped up for no reason a few months ago from around 35 to over 100. We couldn’t find a reason, I haven’t changed anything. We stuck with my estradiol dose I’ve been on, 6 mg, and have kept an eye on it, and now it’s below 80, but still high for where we want it, which brings me to my next subject.

We (my doctor and I) elected when I started HRT that I didn’t want to start progesterone right away, due to potential side effects. It was a mutual decision, but it’s always been on the table. So, we decided to start that just this last Friday - 100mg/day. It’s a testosterone blocker that also has other potential effects, like additional breast growth... and also PMS symptoms, the need for salty/sour things more than I already do, increased urinating, things like that.’

We’re starting with the lower end of the dose and rechecking bloodwork in a couple months - it has a chance of being a bit hard on the kidneys, which is one of the reasons I held off for a while, but with the testosterone levels a bit high, we thought it was time. As I have my GRS consult next October (2019), it would be discontinued sometime not long after the actual surgery, whenever that time will actual be, so hopefully it won’t be more than a couple years or less on it.

Other than that, things have been going pretty... fairly(?) well with my friends (the 3 I hang out with every now and then). Surprisingly, the one I was most scared... concerned(?) to come out to seems to be finally coming around a bit. We’re not hanging out one on one, and may never since he says that he has made a personal decision not to be alone with a female short of a dating situation. What he is doing though is starting to direct more things at me in our group hangouts, questions, even a single text sent to just me every now and then. Nothing major it seems, but as he didn’t send a personal text to only me for around 10 months, I’ll take it.

The only thing they’re all struggling with is the he/him comments made *constantly* in our hangouts, but at least they’re calling me Lana. I let it slide for a bit, as in like 8 months, but I have started to and will continue to call them out on it. They haven’t let my dead name out of their mouths in a couple months, so there is progress, and I am proud of them. They just need to work on those pronouns for sure.

Last but not least, life. *knocks on wood* - it’s been okay, nothing major to update. My mom will be coming into town for a few weeks later this month, so hopefully I’ll see her more than the 2-3 hours I’ve seen her over the last 2 years(!). Whether it’s taking a walk, talking, walking around the mall, whatever, I need some mom time. I have seriously seen her for at most 3-4 hours total since coming out to her in July 2016. I am very much looking forward to hanging out with her.

That’s about my life update, not much else to report at this point. The only FYI really is that I’m a bit more active on my instagram at this point with a photo here and there - including ones I’m posting today) - so feel free to check me out there if you would like, and you’ll get a bit more, or frequent, snipet of my life here and there.

https://www.instagram.com/lanabean_/ if you are interested!

Anyway, I’m sorry for the lack of posting here, I just wish I had more to update that justify posting here daily to weekly like I used to, but I really don’t, my life really is that boring!

Love you all and I hope you are having a fabulous summer so far!

- Lana

#transgender #transwoman #girlslikeus #transisbeautiful #life #HRT #doctors #transition #friends #family #instagram #games night #love

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trans-gothic · 7 years

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Day 75: Self, Body, Literature (The Worst Queer)

I came up with the title for this post while I was reading earlier and can no longer remember everything exactly that I wanted to write about.

Okay, so I have been reading Nevada by Imogen Binnie. My trans friend (tm) has been bugging me about reading this book ever since we came out to each other following election night last November. I read a little over half of it tonight and while there are parts that I relate to in it, I think I kind of hate it? I cannot fucking stand the main character, Maria. I hate her the way that I hate the guys from On The Road. She’s so vain, so self-mythologizing, so horrible to everyone around her. I know there’s that chapter from Steph’s perspective that pretty much lays out that this is how we’re supposed to see her but still!

I talked to her a little bit about this, but, like, ugh. Here’s the thing. I want a book about queer people that’s not about infidelity and drugs and relationship drama. I want a book where people are queer but it’s not the defining aspect of their character. I hate how there’s always this smug sense of superiority, that all the cishets are slimy garbagepeople. And she was like, “Well, in my experience, uhh...”

And like, y’know what, that’s not my experience. Granted, I am still like, in the baby bat phases of transitioning. However, with the exception of my shitty psychiatrist, I’ve not yet had anyone be terrible to me about it. Even, y’know, trans stuff aside, I’ve never got shit for being bi though granted I am only semi-open about that.

My life has never been anything like stories about queer people always are. Quite frankly, I’m kind of glad about that. Constantly raging against everybody around you just sounds so exhausting. Plus the drugs and parties and shit are just not my scene. Nevada takes a bit of time to try to poke holes in these stereotypes but then also just kind of embraces them? Idk.

This kind of brought me to that place of “am I trans enough to actually be trans?” which Nevada tells me is inevitable and constant in the life of a transwoman. Like, okay, yeah, I get that the point is “you don’t have to fit some certain mold to be trans” but the alternative it presents is still so similar. Like, I dunno. I don’t care about any of this shit that’s supposed to be so important. I don’t actually give a fuck if gender is a social construct or whatever. Like, just shut up and let me transition in peace. Just let me get my goddamn tits already.

I have never been a part of any sort of queer community. Quite frankly, I hope never to be. I don’t want to associate with people just because we’re attracted to the same gender, or just because we both identify with genders other than what we were born as. Yes, I am queer and yes it is an important part of who I am. However, I cannot fucking imagine having so little else that that’s what I would chose to make the cornerstone of my identity.

Maybe all of this will change as I am forced into being more public about my gender and sexuality. I don’t know. I know that I have led a relatively privileged life.

I just want to go back to the goth community I was involved with when I was 16. Well, “community.” It was mostly just me and these two other girls. I was hopelessly, tragically in love with them. Because when you are Fi and you are sixteen everything you do is hopeless and tragic.

I still feel this way, even though I don’t listen to goth music anywhere near as much as I did even a year or two ago. Mostly these days I just listen to podcasts. Sometimes alt-pop (The 1975, Lana Del Rey, Halsey, Melanie Martinez, etc.). I’m trying to get back into goth and black metal and shit. I’m listening to some right now. Fuck, as much as I’ve listened to Against Me!’s album Transgender Dysphoria Blues over the last few months, it’s still, like, this is music I relate to for sure, but it just scratches the surface of who I am. Sopor Aeternus and the early Christian Death and shit all hit closer to home. Shit, give me the good old churchburners like Mayhem. That wild, howling desperation? That is me.

And I feel kind of bad about all of that bullshit I just said. That’s the thing. I always kind of feel w/r/t being queer, and especially w/r/t being trans, like I’m not queer enough, not trans enough. I don’t relate to queer or trans communities. Yes, I have been through similar things. But, like, I feel like that while being bi and being trans are definitely parts of me, they are not who I am. And I feel so guilty about that. I really do feel like I am The Worst Queer for not giving a shit about being part of a community.

So then there’s, like, this feeling that like, sure I’ve always thought of myself as female, sure I’m attracted to both men and women, but maybe I don’t deserve to be bi or trans or whatever. Like maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to take estradiol and spiro because that’s only for people who are part of the capital-letters Trans Community.

I don’t really dress all that goth anymore. I got rid of my early-mid 00′s goth/metal black baggy cargo pants and mostly wear jeans. I no longer wear black leather Chuck Taylors. I don’t wear a ton of jewelry all the time anymore. My ex girlfriend accidentally wrecked my knee-high goth boots (the ones with the lift and the buckles and all that good shit). When she moved out and I found out that they’d been crushed underneath her shit in my closet and the zippers were wrecked, I thought about ordering new ones. Then I realized that I don’t have anywhere that I can wear them anymore. That is so sad.

Fuck me, I have completely lost track of what I was trying to say in all of this. Point is: I want to have tits (and oh god have the growing titlings ached today). I want to not have a cock. I want to wear black dresses and black lipstick. I want to wear boots as high up as they will fucking go. I want to bang my head to Mayhem and Emperor and Nile and Vader. I want to awkwardly goth-sway to The Sisters of Mercy. I don’t want to Be Trans. I want to Have Transitioned. Or better yet Have Been Born Female. I will say this about Nevada, I very much empathize with Maria’s jealousy at ciswomen.

Or maybe I just hate THINKING about being trans and being queer. Maybe I just want to return to a time and place in my life where that wasn’t the most pressing issue in my life. Where I wasn’t living under a ticking timer labelled “WHEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW YOU’RE TRANS.”

I’m sitting here drinking rum and feeling shitty about how I feel about how I am. At the very least, I am listening to Mayhem’s Live In Leipzig (my second favorite live album of all time, after Skinny Puppy’s Ain’t It Dead Yet). And now I just switched over to listening to Ain’t It Dead Yet.

I have no social life right now, so none of this shit matters anyway.

#diary

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