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#eugh I'm so excited
becca-e-barnes · 1 year
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heyy!! can you do a dbf bucky caught masturbating? only if u wanna obv~!
No honestly bc the thought of a man masturbating is way too hot, it makes me so weak đŸ„”
I've probably talked about this before but it's delightful to imagine him staying over in the guest room of your house for a while and when he thinks the house is empty, he's taking some time for ✹self care✹, not knowing that you're still home.
I always imagine he's so vocal too so when he thinks he can be as loud as he wants, he doesn't hold back.
He's surprised at how badly he needs this, taking his time at first with just a few leisurely strokes. He's rock hard in no time, his hand wrapped around his own length, doing everything he can not to think about you.
Fuck, it would be so wrong to think about you. He knows it would. It's wrong to think about kissing up your bare legs or sucking bruises over your collarbones. It's wrong to imagine how you'd look on your knees for him, begging him to finish on your face.
No matter what he does, that's all his brain wants to come back to. He can almost hear how sweet your little moans would be when he rubs your clit.
You'd be such a good girl for him. He knows that and he loves it.
There's no harm in letting himself give in a little. As he gets hornier, precum drips from his tip and he's only focused on imagining how gorgeous you'd look beneath him, lost in pleasure the way he is.
He hadn't even considered that you might still be home. As far as he knew, you were planning to go out with your parents so he was safe to groan your name the way he wanted to.
Heat pools between your legs at the sight of him on the bed in front of you. The guest room door hadn't been pulled shut completely and when curiosity got the better of you, you were beyond surprised to see Bucky laid out on the bed, stroking his own cock and whining your name.
"Such a good fucking girl for me." His voice was loud enough that you could hear every word.
His hand moved faster, soft breathy moans tumbling from his lips and hanging in the air.
Your panties were soaked. Rational thought had all but left you. Pure need buzzed in the pit of your stomach and there was no doubt in your mind that you'd summon this image of Bucky every single time you felt like touching yourself for at least the next 3 months.
The decision seemed to come naturally to you and before you'd really thought about it, you'd pressed the door open and stepped inside, settling on the end of the bed.
Bucky sounded startled. Understandably. His cheeks were flushed, desperately trying to cover himself and make apologies at the same time.
"Bucky, please." You almost sounded timid while you prized the blanket from his grasp. "Can I taste you?"
He swore he had to be dreaming. This couldn't be real. You weren't actually asking that right after he'd spent so long imagining it. Is this how manifesting works?
"Are you sure?" He asked, not missing the way his dick throbbed when you nodded enthusiastically.
Bucky pulled the blanket back, grasping his dick again, stroking slowly. He swore he'd never forget the sight of your tongue pressed to the tip of his cock, looking up at him before you swirled your tongue around the head, gathering as much precum as you could.
"Oh fuck, that's it. Such a good girl for me, holy shit." He's lost in the feeling and he couldn't tear his eyes away from you, even if he wanted to.
Your lips wrap around his tip, sucking gently while he continues to stroke himself and he swears he's going to lose it. You hum your approval at a fresh bead of precum gathering over his tip but it's not there very long before you've licked that up too.
He forces himself not to imagine how pretty you'd look with your tongue or your face painted with his cum because if he does, this is over. He's determined to make that a reality but not just yet.
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spoozly · 9 months
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The h
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bluejayblueskies · 2 months
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i finally started listening to the magnus protocol, and i have come to three conclusions:
this is not a podcast i can listen to on the go, because with all the muffling filters in place, i kept missing words even with the volume up all the way on my phone
i'm still weak for "annoyances-to-friends-to-lovers" pairings (looking directly at alice and gwen)
from one person working with decades-old proprietary government tech to another,,, colin ily and i understand you and you have my condolences
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honorary-fool · 3 months
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I ordered a ball-jointed doll recently & there's a good chance she's coming in the mail today and I gotta physically hold myself back from making mini cosplays for her
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lovinglin · 5 months
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SORRY UH, thoughts are thoughting /lh
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gins-potter · 2 years
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i can’t believe the acotar series ended with acowar.  what a great trilogy.  so good.  perfect.  definitely didn’t need anything else added to it.
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gregoftom · 6 months
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thank christ it's finally autumn Perish summer!!!!!!!
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theunawakening · 8 months
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I sat down and wrote a little drabble I'll be posting tomorrow yeehaw!
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dilfian · 1 year
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4 hour work<3 just that easy<3 kiss my ass l*wes<3 lol
#xoxo#actually i'm missing a whole table i consolidated too. oops. blanked when i took pics.#but yeah i didnt see o until almost 2 1/2 hrs after i clocked in lol i was like??? o?? where have you been.#apparently md (who was prev dl i believe. or de? idk. former mst manager who is now an asm) had her helping with things.#he was trying to get the middle aisle display set up and she didnt know what to do. so i told her she could tell him i was there and could#help out. she told him and came back and said he was excited LOL i went oh good. glad someone still appreciates my work.#anyways i emptied 2 carts of shade perennials and redid all the shade perennial tables.#then i pulled camellias and star jasmine from the front and made 2 rose tables. they needed to be spaced out and we have enough.#thennnn went inside and work with md and also the new mst manager and we settled on how many palette stacks and what to put there etc etc#and then o and i filled it up with the palms and i refilled the 3 tier. cause i walked in yesterday going ???#said word for word in the gc 'what in the seven hells is that' sbdndnf they just filled it all wonky with whatever plants ya know. eugh.#and then o and i moved the palette shelf to the back after i had reorganized that too. yeah. it was a good shift.#all in 4 hrs. i just got home. going to eat food.#also o went to the store manager and told him they should keep me at the store lmao. so he's been told by a lot of ppl now.#also md apparently said i should apply for green team.#i really dont see how it would work esp at this store. or just the tasks in general. its at the very bottom of my job list.#but i feel bad leaving everybody. . .😔 anyways
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timeskip · 2 years
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On one hand we get Madoka SSR. On the other hand it’s obviously based on H*rry P*tter and I can’t believe we have to live with that. I’m so disappointed in A3 and I can’t believe they did this to one of my favorite characters and MY FAVORITE MINOR CHARACTER GROUP. YOU’RE TELLING ME I GET CONTENT BUT AT THE COST OF HARRY FUCKING POTTER AU????? I’M GOING TO KILL YOU LIBER ENTERTAINMENT TAKE IT BACK
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sar3nka · 2 years
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I can't wait until my contacts arrive. I'm gonna be so fucking cool. Predator stare or whatever.
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berrymeter · 25 days
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maybe the answer was to snack while reminiscing on how ridiculously bad anger management advice is online all along
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kathaynesart · 10 months
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Eugh boy. April what have you started?
BEGINNING || PREVIOUS || NEXT MASTER POST
Sorry for all the exposition. This chapter has a lot of setup. In fact, I plan to split it here since it's been rather long. It will be a new Arc on the master post, though it pretty much starts up where this one leaves off. At least it looks like we'll be having some fun in the next one.
Also, people have been asking what my plans are with Replica, so I thought I would give an idea of what to expect. To be completely transparent I plan to split Replica into 2 Books. Book 1 (which we're about 2/3 through) will focus on setting up the colony, understanding all the characters, what happened in the past, and the drama that ensues from it. Book 2, is going to be where all this setup is going to come into play. Lots more action leading up to the beginning of the movie. I'm super excited for book 2, it's going to involve a particular mission mentioned briefly in the movie and the chain events it causes that will ultimately lead to both their greatest success against the Krang as well as the colony's ultimate downfall. So all this setup is kind of necessary since this is a little more... plot heavy. I am sorry it is in my nature, even though I know we all just want to see sweet/sad scenes of them all hugging it out (we'll get there eventually)! At least we'll get thatsooner in the Cass Apocalypse crossover I'm now working on. Look forward to it and bring your tear ducts!
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badcountryofficial · 2 years
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today was fine but i wanna cry i think just cos of tired
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ckret2 · 4 months
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Chapter 26 of human Bill doing his best to arm-twist his captors into doing anything he wants, featuring: the gang going to the mall, where Bill tries on some of the most ridiculous outfits known to mankind, to Mabel's delight and Stan & Dipper's despair.
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(please click on the second image, you can't imagine how long it took to make those two patterns. (Okay you probably can, it was a couple hours.))
####
Bill said, "Well, you can tell Stanford that if he's got a problem with my drinking, I'd like to see him try to get a good night's sleep in an alien body without some kind of sedative! I've got a fresh new liver, three little cans of cider a day won't kill me before one of us finds a way to get me out of this body!"
Exasperated, Mabel said, "Why do I have to tell him? Just talk to each other."
"You think I don't want to? He's the one who's put two doors, an elevator, and a trick vending machine between him and me."
Mabel supposed that was true. "Okay, fine. More importantly: what do you think of going shopping?"
Bill shrugged. "Sure. I'll take any opportunity to go outside. It'll be a good test run for other trips."
Mabel frowned, clearly disappointed by the reaction. "That's it? I thought you'd be more excited. You can finally get more clothing!"
"How much clothing do I need?" He gestured down at himself, wearing his hoodie and a borrowed skirt. "I'm not naked, what more do you want from me?"
"To like your clothing!"
"Oh, right. I keep forgetting you have a whole thing about people other than you being happy."
Mabel socked his arm. "Do you just not care about clothes? I didn't expect you to be like Dipper about it."
Eugh. "It's not that I don't like fashion in general," Bill said, eager to distance himself from the household wet blanket. "I have very strong opinions on other people's fashion! It's just..."
It was just that he didn't relish the idea of standing in front of a mirror, partially nude, staring at the bone-caged skin prison he was locked inside.
He still put towels over the bathroom mirror when he showered.
"Well," he said, "isn't the whole point of fashion self-expression? And my self can't be expressed in this body." He tugged on the collar of his hoodie, "This is as close as it's gonna get."
"Does clothing have to express your self? Can't it just look really cool?" Mabel asked.
Bill considered that. "I do like looking really cool."
Maybe he didn't have to see it as dressing himself. Treat it like inflicting his design whims upon a helpless human puppet. He'd done that before, he liked doing that. He was lucky, at least, that as far as puppets went, this was an incredibly good-looking one. Aside from the neck.
"Do I have to wear that, though?" Bill skeptically eyed the knit garment held in Mabel's hands.
"Yep! Grunkle Ford's orders! It's to make sure you don't talk to people."
"Can I put it on over my hoodie?"
"As heartwarming as it is that you love it so much: no, you've gotta take it off."
"How come?"
"It's safer this way! Your hoodie might freak people out."
"Freak them out how?"
####
Soos trudged into the kitchen at 3 a.m., yawning, and turned on the lights.
The Bill Cipher, triangular and angular, gold-bricked and one-eyed, hovered in the air.
Soos screamed. "He's back! Everyone watch out! You stay away from my family, you—" Soos picked up the nearest weapon and chucked it at Bill.
The spatula bounced harmlessly off his chest and clattered to the floor. Bill took his hood off. "Wow. Thanks for getting my hopes up, Questiony."
"Oh, whoops. Sorry 'bout that. At a quick glance, that hoodie makes you look a lot like... you." Soos looked Bill up and down again. "Hey. How come you're standing on the kitchen table in the middle of the night?"
"Eh." Bill shrugged. "It passes the time."
####
"Sometimes I curse your species's overactive pattern-detection instincts." Bill snatched Mabel's offering out of her hand and trudged to the bathroom to change.
He emerged a moment later wearing the tank top Mabel had knit for him, and tugged out the hem to examine it. She'd cross-stitched on the chest: "STAY BACK! I BITE SALES PEOPLE!"
"I'd be pretty insulted," Bill said, "if this wasn't the funniest thing I've ever worn."
####
Stan pulled the old Diablo near the porch to minimize the amount of time Bill would spend in open air between confinement in the shack and in a vehicle; then waited leaning against the car, glowering at the ground like the world's surliest chauffeur (he'd even put on his suit), for Dipper and Mabel to escort the prisoner outside.
The second Bill stepped off of the porch, he looked up in amazement. "What is that?"
Dipper and Mabel looked at Bill's face, then in the direction he was looking. He was staring straight into the sun without squinting. Mabel said, "The... sun?"
"No, not the sun! I mean the—" Bill gestured toward the sun. "Whatever it's doing."
Mabel looked skyward again. She didn't see anything else Bill could be referring to. "Shining?"
"I know what sunshine is!"
"Then what are you asking about!"
Bill studied the sky a moment longer. Finally, he said, "Guess I don't know what sunshine feels like! It's been a long time since I've been naked in the sun."
Stan's head snapped up to stare at Bill. Bill was still completely clothed.
After another few seconds, arms outstretched, staring in blank-faced wide-eyed wonder at the sky, Bill concluded, "I think I'm photosynthesizing again."
This time Dipper looked over. And, Bill was still completely human—a species notoriously well-known for not photosynthesizing. "'Again'?"
Bill didn't respond. Instead, with a shrill cackle that startled the nearby birds out of the trees, he took off at a full sprint.
"Hey!" Dipper tore after him. Stan tensed up, but then grunted, leaned back against his car, and waited for Bill to trip.
Bill's run was the awkward bouncing gait of a moon astronaut on fast forward: someone who at some point had definitely learned how to run, but clearly wasn't used to doing it in this body on this world. He switched to an odd sideways crab-walk gallop—which was, surprisingly, faster—and then attempted, and failed, a cartwheel. Dipper dove for Bill, Stan laughed at them both, and Mabel shouted encouragement at Bill from the porch; Bill hopped back up just before Dipper could catch him.
He attempted a second cartwheel but was caught in the middle by an invisible force jerking his wrist. He yelped and tumbled to the ground. "I think I twisted my arm!" He sounded way too giddy about this.
Mabel looked down at her own wrist and the chain bracelet. She wasn't being actively pulled toward Bill; but nevertheless she couldn't pull her wrist any further away from him. "It worked."
"Of course it did!" Breathing heavily, Bill got to his feet and leaned backward on his heels, using the tension of the bracelet around his wrist to keep from falling. "What, did you ever doubt me?"
"Yes," Stan said. "Always," Dipper said. "Every time you open your mouth," Mabel said.
"You're all haters."
Mabel took a flying leap off of the porch. Bill toppled on his back again.
Once they were all loaded in the car—Dipper in the front glaring in the rear view mirror, Mabel and Bill in the back with Bill making faces at the mirror—Stan said, "Okay. I'm not getting you anything nice, because you're not worth it."
"Aww. And after I made you almost five grand?"
Dipper's jaw dropped. "He what?! When did—"
Raising his voice, Stan went on, "So we're going to Shop Thrifty. Any complaints?"
Bill said, "You don't wanna go there."
Stan turned to give him a dark look.
"You don't," Bill said. "They were robbed this weekend. Security's gonna be high."
"No they weren't, you can't know that. You're making that up. I'm calling your bluff."
Dipper cleared his throat. "Actually... yeah, they were robbed. I've been investigating the possibility that it might've been..." At the sight of Bill's keen gaze in the rear view mirror, Dipper trailed off into mumbles.
Bill waited a second longer to ensure Dipper was properly cowed; then said, "See? You can trust me! But if you want to go to the thrift shop..."
"Ha." Stan drummed his fingers on the steering wheel; then reluctantly said, "I guess we could go to the mall—"
Mabel pumped her fists in the air. "THE MALL!"
"Yes! Finally!" Bill dragged his hands down his face in relief. "Civilization! Other people!"
"Hey!" Stan turned around to point threateningly at Bill. Bill held up his hands to block the accusatory finger. "This still isn't a social trip. Talk to anyone and we're going back to the car."
"I know, I know. I just wanna look at people. That's all!" Bill said. "You know that feeling when you come out of a couple weeks in the hole? When you're grateful just to see anybody?"
Stan's frown deepened; but he didn't say anything. He just turned around, ignored Dipper's curious look, and started driving.
Mabel and Bill high-fived.
####
As the car pulled into a parking spot, Mabel handed Bill a pair of mirrored sunglasses with one lens popped out. Bill rolled his (yellow, slitted) eye, but he switched his eyepatch over to the lensless side of the sunglasses and put them on. "Nobody'll notice my eyes. They only look inhuman at certain angles."
"We're being extra cautious," Mabel said.
"If you're gonna make me wear shades any time I'm in public, can I at least pick a pair I like while I'm here?"
Mabel said, "Sure!" at the same time Stan said, "Not a chance." Dipper looked between the two of them, and said, "I'm with Stan."
"I wasn't taking a vote." Bill leaned forward to shove Dipper's hat over his eyes, and followed Mabel out of the car before Dipper could retaliate.
Bill's grin got a little wider and his gait a little bouncier the closer they got to the mall, until he was practically skipping through the automatic doors. "Look at this place! I can't remember the last time I visited a bazaar this booming in person! Two stories, even! Wow!"
Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance. Gravity Malls was, by far, the smallest mall either of them had ever visited. You could see from one end of it to the other in a straight shot, and the anchor store was just a more popular chain's discount outlet location. Dipper muttered, "He's trying too hard to talk up the place."
Mabel giggled. "Maybe he's easily impressed."
Bill evidently didn't care. He was too busy taking in the sight of all the stores and all the people who didn't hate his guts (or, at least, didn't know they did). He chipperly said, "Hey there!" as he wove around a haggard teenage kiosk salesman.
"Hello?" Snapping into sales mode, the kiosk kid said, "Are you interested in genuine gold-plated signet rings? We have rings with dragons, eagles, Chinese characters, American flags, football teams..."
Bill did a u-turn without slowing down. "Boy, am I! You got any secret societies?"
Stan wrapped an arm around Bill's shoulders—"No, you're not interested."—and dragged him away. He lowered his voice. "What happened to no talking to anyone?"
Bill laughed. "Sorry, I got excited!"
"Uh-huh. Get 'excited' one more time, and I'll assume you're 'forgetting' the rules on purpose and we're going home."
Bill stopped laughing. "Okay, fine." He trudged alongside Stan, sulking.
####
Stan tried to direct them toward the discount outlet store; Bill looked wistfully at Edgy On Purpose; Mabel overruled them both by grabbing Bill's hand and bodily dragging him to the coolest store in the mall: 18th Century, the place where the almost-and-barely college kids shopped, and Mabel's newest fashion avatars now that she'd had a year to explore "teenage" fashion and had gotten over it. "You can tell it's for college kids, because they also sell bedsheets and inflatable furniture," she explained as they entered, just before abandoning Bill with Stan as she ran off to start collecting clothing on Bill's behalf. Bill and Stan side-eyed each other, and Bill drifted off toward the small home goods section.
"Ooh, Dipper look." Mabel pointed at a sales rack. "Out-of-season prom dresses! Those are the fanciest dresses!" She dove in eagerly, checking the size tags.
Dipper hovered behind her, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, trying to stand far enough away that it didn't look like he was an active participant in this shopping trip but not so far away that people might start wondering why a thirteen-year-old boy was in the dress section by himself. "Are you shopping for B—for Goldie, or for yourself?"
"For Goldie, obviously! He likes having a triangular silhouette, he needs dresses!"
"Does he want dresses?"
Mabel made a vague I dunno sound. "I haven't asked him yet."
"Maybe you should?"
"It's fine, I'm going to! He can tell me when he catches up!" Mabel pulled out a sequin-studded dress that looked like it had been constructed out of fluorescent pink peacock feathers. She paused. "Okay, it's not exactly his style, but do you think he might try it on anyway?"
Dipper groaned. "Mabel, he's a guy, he's not gonna try on a dress. He wears top hats and bow ties, remember?"
"I know, but... just for fun...?"
Dipper shook his head. Mabel sighed.
Bill rounded a rack of clothing, using a curtain rod he'd claimed out of the home goods section like it was a cane. "Hey, star girl. I know we're here on a focused mission, buuut do you think we could spare a minute to try something just for fun..." He trailed off as he and Mabel simultaneously realized they were both holding a pink peacock dress. Bill's face lit up. "Where have you been all my life?"
"Shut up! How are you this cool!"
"Where's the dressing room."
They took off for the back of the store, Bill tripping over a whole clothing rack as he went.
Dipper watched them uncomfortably, decided he didn't want to follow, and picked his way to the front of the store, where Stan was leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed tightly and a sour look on his face. Dipper asked, "Does it worry you how well Mabel and Goldie..."
"Ohhh yeah."
####
Bill swung open the dressing room door. "Well? Whaddaya think?" He fanned out the feathers as best he could with his hands. 
"It's so beautiful," Mabel said.
"It's hideous," Stan said.
"It's kinda baggy around the shoulders and chest," Dipper said.
Bill shrugged. "I've got the shoulder span of a snake and the hips of a sumo wrestler, what do you expect?"
"It's okay, I can tailor anything we get," said Mabel, who had never tailored anything in her life but was sure she had a book on it in Piedmont.
"Tailor nothing," Stan said, "we're not getting this! What, are you crazy?"
Bill said, "Obviously."
Stan gestured at him. "What in the world would you wear this for?"
"Who cares? It looks cool and this body is merely a meat armature to drape coolness upon." Bill stepped back into the dressing room to eye the dress in the mirror. "Color's a little uniform, though. I'd need some accessories to break it up."
"I think you're right," Mabel said, stroking her chin. "You know what color goes best with hot pink?"
Simultaneously, she and Bill said, "Lime green," then cracked up and pointed at each other excitedly. 
Stan and Dipper exchanged a tired look.
####
"How about this one?" Bill looked at Stan and Dipper, who were standing guard while Mabel searched for more clothes. "It's obviously the best shirt in the store, but is it me?" Bill was wearing a loose Hawaiian shirt covered in bright multicolored triangles with animal skin patterns—leopard, zebra, tiger, checkers—and a pair of black jeans that fit his hips but consequently drowned his ankles. "Trick question. It's me all over!" He laughed. His laughter petered out. "It's... it's more me than I am. Wow."
Dipper and Stan didn't laugh. "I'm a Hawaiian shirt kind of man," Stan said, "but if the choice was between that thing and going naked, I'd go naked."
"Keep your nudist fantasies to yourself, Stanley." Bill studied his reflection again. "The shirt's great, but they make the pants look dull. I need something that coordinates with it. But what..."
Mabel returned while Bill was musing on his shirt. She wordlessly held out the pair of cheetah/tiger print rainbow leggings she'd been retrieving. It matched the shirt perfectly, in the sense that they both had so many colors on them that inevitably some of those colors were accidentally the same.
Bill accepted the leggings with an expression close to awe. "You're a fashion genius," he said. "Are you sure you don't want your own planet?"
"Not from you," Mabel said.
And for a moment, Bill actually almost looked hurt.
####
Bill held up several shirts thoughtfully. The first was an eye-searing abomination; the second was a retina-burning nightmare; and the third was about the same, but it was covered in smiley faces, and somehow that made it worse.
"I feel like they'd all have the right psychological effect on my enemies," Bill said, "but all three is a little redundant, isn't it?"
Not looking, Stan asked, "Is the effect you're trying to have boring your enemies to death? Because it's working."
Bill scowled. He chucked all three at Stan's face. "Fine! Stick them in the 'maybe' pile, I'll narrow them down later." By this point, the "maybe" pile in Stan's arms was almost too big for him to carry.
"My willingness to indulge Mabel is losing to my annoyance at indulging you," Stan said. "I thought this was going to be a quick trip."
"Yeah, well, I'm kinda getting into it."
"Well, would you get out of it and dress like a normal person?"
"Okay, fine. I'll try on something subtle—"
"Goldie!" Mabel ran up waving a ruby red jacket over her head. "Look what I found in the clearance bin! Glittery vinyl!"
Bill's eyes widened.
Reverently, Mabel said, "It looks like a 50's diner booth."
"Is the picture on the back a—?"
"Yeah, it's a puking kangaroo."
Bill snatched the jacket from her hands. "I'll try something subtle after this."
Stan groaned. "I'm gonna stretch my legs." He dropped the "maybe" pile on the floor. "Dipper, make sure the demon doesn't try to end the world while I'm gone."
Dipper resigned himself to the fact that this shopping trip was never going to end, and curled up on the floor to wait to die.
####
"Now, this is a keeper," Bill said, examining the summer dress in the mirror. With Stan gone, Bill had a moment of leisure to properly inspect the way the fabric moved and draped. He was using the opportunity to grab the skirt and twirl it like a three-year-old who'd never worn a dress before. "It really speaks to me."
Mabel asked, "Is it because it's covered in—?"
"It's because it's covered in yellow triangles. I know what I like!" He spun around to see how the skirt flared out, tripped and fell over—"I meant to do that!"—and heaved himself back upright with his curtain rod cane. "I'm fine, shoo." He waved off Mabel's attempt to help, and brushed off the dress. "Too bad it looks weird with pants. I'd prefer my legs covered, but dresses are the only thing most human stores carry that flatter my shape, so what're you gonna do."
"What about more leggings?" Mabel asked.
"Do they have any black ones that don't look like cheap spandex?"
"I think I saw some that look like jeans!"
"It'll do. Good thinking, star girl."
"Any time, triangle... guy." Mabel paused. "Hey... just out of curiosity—since I don't think we ever really covered this, since you're an alien and all—aaare you a guy or a girl?"
"I'm a triangle! C'mon, you already know that."
Mabel opened her mouth to protest that Bill hadn't answered her question; hesitated as she realized that maybe, in fact, he had; and instead asked, "Is a triangle more like a guy or a girl?"
Bill paused as he gave the question a moment of contemplation; and then he said, "No, not really."
Dipper, who'd been using the "maybe" clothing pile as a pillow and pretending to ignore everything Bill did, finally gave in to the urge to glance over curiously.
Mabel concluded a triangle must be either in the exact middle of the scale, or else outside of it completely. "Oh! Okay."
Bill elbowed Mabel and said, "Keep this bit between you and me," blithely ignoring the fact that Dipper was totally within earshot and now seething about being ignored in return. "But if anyone else on this planet asks, I'll usually imply I'm a 'man,'" he put the word in finger quotes, as though he wasn't wholly convinced that "men" really existed, "but—that's strictly for business."
"Business?"
"You know, work stuff," Bill said dismissively. "It makes things easier. See, for the last few millennia, most humans have taken a male's suggestions a bit more seriously than a female's, even when the entity they're talking to is an all-knowing extra-dimensional divine alien angelic muse. Crazy, right?" He said this like he was imparting some great secret he'd figured out by himself.
"Ugh, yeah," Mabel groaned. "Sexism."
"Sexism," Bill sighed, as if he had any dog in this fight at all and wasn't just pretending he could commiserate with his only local friend. "So I figure I can get things done faster as a Bill than a Jill. But honestly? Your local gender system doesn't make any more difference to me than it would to you if somebody asked how many sides you have."
Mabel considered the matter of her hypothetical sides. "I feel like I'd have seven sides."
"Oho! I stand corrected." Bill laughed. "I would've pegged you as a pentagon. I'll remember that."
Mabel had no idea what information she'd just conveyed to Bill, but she felt like he was impressed she had an answer at all.
####
"How about this one?"
"I love it. It's so mysterious," Mabel said.
Stan said, "I thought you were gonna try on something subtle?" 
"What's more subtle than camo! That's the whole point of it!"
Dipper said, "You're not wearing camo."
Bill looked down at his galaxy print tank top, galaxy print button up, galaxy print skirt, galaxy print leggings, and galaxy print sneakers. "I guess what counts as camouflage depends on the context."
"Wh—" Dipper blinked at Bill in disbelief. "In what context could this possibly qualify as camouflage?"
"Is that a trick question?"
Drily, Stan asked, "You got travel plans taking you to outer space anytime soon, pal?"
Bill's shoulders slumped.
"Now put on something you might actually wear," Stan said.
####
Bill opened the dressing room door with four sets of basic black leggings and pants, a couple shorts, and several plain tops in various shades of gold and yellow. "Okay, done."
"Not gonna model each of these for us?" Stan asked.
"Do you want me to?"
"No."
"Fine! You kids don't need to weigh in on these—they're not as fun as the other outfits you were busy unappreciating." Bill shoved the whole pile against Stan's chest, burying the "maybe" outfits he'd insisted he would narrow down. "Okay, let's go."
Stan scowled. "How many outfits did we agree to get you?"
"You didn't." Bill headed to the front of the store.
Mabel started to follow him, paused, glanced back at Stan, and said, "Maybe you can just... toss some of it back on the racks?"
"Maybe you can toss most of it," Dipper said. "How much does he really need, like two shirts and two pants?"
Mabel laughed. "Shut up, that's what you wear!"
Stan rolled his eyes, but headed to the front of the store with an armload of clothing.
The cashier smiled as Bill approached, read his "I BITE SALES PEOPLE" shirt, and quickly turned her attention to Stan. "Hi! Did you find everything you needed?"
"Yeah, and then some," he grumbled, shooting a look at Bill and Mabel. He dumped the pile of clothing on the counter with a heavy groan proportionate to the emotional weight of carrying Bill Cipher's shopping, and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Where'd I put my wallet?"
As the cashier scanned the clothes, took off the security tags, and stuffed them into bags, Stan alternated between snatching up the bags to sling them over his arms—looking grumpier with each one—and searching for his wallet. "I'm sure I put... ah-ha!" He withdrew it triumphantly. "There! I know I've got a twenty in here somewhere."
The cashier immediately stopped scanning to give Stan a perplexed look. Hopefully, she asked, "Will you be paying for the rest by card?"
"What do you mean, 'the rest'? How much could this stuff—?" Stan grabbed the price tag on one of the shirts, squinted at it, and grabbed his chest. "Holy moly! For one shirt? This is robbery!"
Mabel winced. "I guess it's a little bit pricier than the thrift shop, but it's not that bad—is it?"
"Not that bad?! For prices like this, it'd be cheaper to get a boat ticket to Taiwan and rob the sweatshop where they sew this stuff! Forget it!" He started sliding bags off his arms and tossing them back on the counter. "Keep them! We're not shopping here!"
"But Grunkle Stan!" Mabel grabbed his coat. "We just found a bunch of stuff that's perfect for Goldie! Please?"
"Do you think I care? He'd be wearing potato sacks if I had my way! We'll go to the outlet store, those are the prices he deserves."
Dipper groaned. "Do we have to do this whole thing all over again?" He and Mabel both looked pleadingly at Bill, waiting for him to protest the return of his carefully-curated wardrobe of tacky golden horrors.
Bill shrugged. "If he didn't bring enough money to the mall, there's nothing we can do about it now."
"Hey! This isn't on me! If it wasn't for you, we'd be at the Shop Thrifty right now!"
Bill scoffed. "Come on, Stanley. It's the 2010's. Even at a thrift store, how far do you think a Jackson's gonna carry you?"
"I think it'd get me a sock I could cram in your mouth, how do you like that?" Stan tossed the last bag on the counter, told the dismayed cashier, "And he looked ugly in everything he picked out, anyway," and stomped toward the door.
"I'm so sorry," Mabel said to the cashier, and hurried after Stan with Dipper. "But Grunkle Stan, we found so many nice things here! We could at least get a couple shirts or leggings..."
"Hey," Bill said. "It's okay, kid."
Mabel shut her mouth, but she didn't look happy about it.
The party trailed behind Stan past a couple of stores, before Bill sped up to walk alongside him and asked, "Well? What's our haul?"
Stan grunted. "What?"
A slow, sly grin spread across Bill's face. "Come on. You can fool the humans, but you can't fool me. What's our haul?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
Bill raised a brow.
Stan only lasted a couple of seconds before he cracked a mischievous smile as well. "Oh, did you mean this haul?" He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out a pair of leggings. And then another pair. And then, from his other pocket, a Hawaiian shirt. And—
Mabel gasped. "Grunkle Stan," she hissed. "You didn't!"
"Aw, man." Dipper smacked his forehead. "So all that was an act?"
—and three pairs of socks out of his jacket sleeve, and a dress from his inner coat pocket, and— "Yeeep. I've still got it."
Mabel and Dipper exchanged an exasperated look.
"And you were gonna hit the thrift store." Bill lifted his sunglasses so Stan could see him roll his eye.
"Hey, they've usually got less security than the mall. It's a safer score."
"Cheaper, too."
"You shut up! I'd like to see you do as well."
A bright smile snapped across Bill's face. "Would you! Then get a load of this—" He showed off the front and back of one empty hand, then the other; curled one into a fist; pushed his fingers into the fist and plucked out a corner of fabric; and then, like a magician revealing a long line of scarves tied at the corners, pulled out one garment after another, shirts and skirts and pants. Mabel buried her face in her hands. Dipper looked around like he expected mall security to run up and immediately arrest them all. Bill said, "What'd we lift, almost half the stuff I picked? Neither of us managed to get the kangaroo jacket, did we."
"How did you..." Stan trailed off, jaw dropped.
Bill smugly stuffed the clothing back under his tank top. "All that, and... these." Bill lifted one foot and wiggled it, showing off the yellow foam clogs he'd changed into.
"You just walked out with those on?"
"Sure! You'd be amazed what you can do in plain sight—as long as you don't call attention to it."
"Where the heck are your sandals?"
"Not my problem." Bill gestured vaguely back toward 18th Century with his curtain rod cane. "From the lost-and-found they came, to the lost-and-found they shall return."
Stan, having had his attention called to the curtain rod cane, snatched it out of Bill's hand with a muttered "No weapons," and tossed it in a nearby trash can. Bill watched it go with an expression of miffed resignation. Stan said, "Okay, but how'd you get the security tags off all of those?"
And Bill's grin was back. "Maybe I'll show you—if you show me how you got all that clothing out of those bags into your pockets."
"I thought you were watching."
"My eye is better than my physical coordination. Give me a couple pointers and I'll give you a couple."
Stan looked doubtful. "I just saw you hide half a suitcase under a tank top. I don't think you need any more help with..."
"I'll sweeten the deal," Bill said. "I'm not really a clogs guy. You set me up to walk out with a pair of proper dress shoes, and I'll help you grab a couple rings from that booth at the door?"
Stan scowled. Bill grinned wider. "Come ooon. I know you were eyeing those rings too."
"If we get caught and you throw me under the bus, I'm dragging you down with me."
"I wouldn't dream of it! I don't think either of us can afford to show up on the police's radar, do you?"
"All right, fine. You've got yourself a deal, Cipher."
Mabel silently slid her cell phone over to Dipper so he could text Soos and Ford about this unsettling development.
####
(Thanks for reading!! As always, if you made it this far I deeply appreciate any thoughts & comments you want to share! Stay tuned next week for the unsettling development to get Even Worse.)
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Text
Ulysses by @girlbookwrm
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Ok so my next chaparral_crown bind is pending bookboard for a cutout design, so that's on the back burner till bookboard arrives! Did this in the interim, since I've leapt onto the 00q train pretty hard! They're my new favourite ship and I love the fic dynamics!
Statistics:
89,065 words || 294 pages
Chapter titling: Brigmore Thin
Body text: Liberation Serif
Accents: Petrona
My initial plans for this bind was to do a ship-shaped cutout from chiyogami paper - to which my cricut blade said f-no and proceeded to shred my very precious paper. So back to the drawing board and to the tried and tested method of HTV I went.
Boy, did I have trouble with colour for this bind - I am ridiculously bad at colour, my friends, I am one of those people who can maybe match 2 colours but ask me to pick a contrasting one to match and I'll go fjrbdidsmfbejsnbxks how does one do such sorcery. Again, Manda my sounding board who is excellent at colour matching contrasting colours had to listen to 3 different separate colour rants/panic attacks, not that I actually listened to them because I am an absolute wuss when it comes to colour.
Ugh I had so much fun with the typesetting. I actually found this font - Brigmore Thin, which the background decor for the font was London Bridge and I went yup, that's the font I want. As per the fic, I included parts of the Ulysses poem by Tennyson, which corresponded to chapter titles.
The main cover title page is less striking then I had wanted - curse my lack of colour printing and inability to colour the middle of the target sight red.
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Also did my best to include a black and white spread of that image of the meet infront of The Fighting Temeraire. Absolutely iconic. My printer wasn't very up to it, but it tried.
Anyway, so- endbands!!! I had a good time making them, this is my first attempt that isn't a trial book, and I have fallen in love with capricious capricious silk. It just looks so good, even though it's slippery as hell.
I took two tries at this textblock because I overtrimmed the first one. Still thinking of what to do with it- it's actually fine, and readable, the page numbers still exist but it's just got such a thin margin I went eugh no and had to make a second copy.
Despite my general anxiety regarding this bind, it didn't turn out too badly.
I'm starting to prep for binderary so I'm overwhelmingly excited about that. My goal is officially 3-4 in February but I've planned for 6-7. Unsure if it will happen but I'm hopeful as I do have some leave then.
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