#even if I don't feel better from like. day 4 to day 5 her sympathy still stops

[liebelesbe]

also my moms sympathy vanishes so quickly when I'm sick lol. for the first few days it's like 'awww my poor baby is there anything I can do for you?' and then that immediately flips over to 'stop sleeping for so long. go for a walk. 😑'.

[daddysfangirls-marvel]

Goth Boss (7)

Warning: Angst, mentioned self-harm, mention of scars

summary: Tony stark x daughter goth reader. The avengers find out that Tony has a secret teenage daughter and make tony ask her to visit. But when they meet her the avengers find out why she was kept secret. ( could Bucky and Steve he terrified of how y/n looks since they are from a different time and seeing a goth girl for the first time scares them) (tony has a strained relationship with y/n as she grew up without him and he kept her secret)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7

As the day grew closer and closer, Lilly not only found herself cooking in large amounts in fits of stress, it was okay May helped her pack up and donate all the extras for those in need, but was constantly going through her medical kits and reviewing first aid techniques preparing for the worst. Preparing for another year to begin like the last, and the year before that, and before that. She was preparing to do it all over again and to ensure her daughter survived just as she did last time. She even got cleaning supplies in preparation for cleaning up the possible blood.

As Lilly prepared, she watched her daughter dove deeper into her art and volunteering. A dozen new sketches and drawings a day and a new canvas every other day. She didn't dare look at what her daughter's artistic heart created she was scared of what she would find. Her art often showed her heart and true feelings.

She'd stay on her toes and prepare for the worst.

-

Peter saw it, too. How she was avoiding him and all their friends and throwing herself into her art and volunteering, not a minute to spare. Although he was unaware of the full history of the day, he was aware of her distaste for the day and how it agitated her to the point of no mention of it. She grew displeased with those who did mention it, and they gained her ire.

Ned was currently on the receiving end of it. Her glare was enough for him to run tail tucked between his legs and avoid her like the plague. He loved her and her friendship, but... no.

MJ was much more careful keeping quiet and her distance when needed. Leaving (Y/n) to herself as she wished believing she'd come back when she wanted or was better.

-

"You need to slow down," so she began walking slower." That's not what I meant, and You know it. Your schedule is packed to the brim there isn't a second to spare. You're running from one thing to the next. You're running straight into the ground," Peter said, taking her hand to fully stop her. " I'm worried about you. I don't want you to get sick or hurt. I'm not asking you to stop I'm asking you to slow down and take a moment breath"

"I'm..." (y/n) sighed " I can't, I'm sorry I can't "Taking her hand back she continued on without him and without looking back. Not knowing what else to do Peter just went on patrol hoping later on tonight she would be more willing to talk. -

"You're back earlier than I thought you'd be," Peter said as he swung into her room, closing the window behind him.

"The director shared your sympathies and sent me home early." (Y/n) said as she continued to sketch at her desk.

"Will you talk to me, please? I want to help you, but I don't know how, and you aren't letting me," Peter said as he kneeled beside her.

Before (Y/n) could even turn to look at him her bedroom door flew open revealing her mother holding a large medical bag. She looked at Peter, who was kneeling next to her daughter, unmasked, still in her spider suit. She looked further around the room and found nothing.

Peter began to stand and stutter.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" she asked, and he shook his head. With one that knowledge and one more look around the room, she nodded and left, closing the door- but stopped. " I know you're Spider-Man, I've known for a while she didn't tell me I found out that time you slept over, you left your suit on the floor out in the open. I won't tell anyone. If you're staying the night, let May and I know."

And not the door is closed.

And Peter collapsed onto her bed grabbing his chest " I...oh god "

"You shouldn't be surprised. She's a smart woman"

"Can we talk, please?"

"We are talking"

"(Y/n), what's going on? Is it your birthday?" she flinched hard, scratching her nearly finished sketch. " It is. I want to help you, but you need to tell me how"

She sighed, balling up her drawing and throwing it away. Running her hands down her face " I don't know. I really don't know"

"I... My birthdays have never been good." she says as she starts to cry " I'm afraid something bad will happen like last year and the year before. I'm trying to distract myself so nothing bad will happen"

"Something bad happened last year?"

"Yes," she whispered as she tugged at her sleeves. In their entire relationship, Peter had not seen (Y/n) without her sleeves at least that is what she believed While he was aware that there were times she was in deep sadness, he wasn't aware of how deep and scaring the sadness was.

"I saw"

"What"

Peter sighed. " The night you slept over after you rejected Tony. I saw your wrist. That's what happened last year, right?"

There was a moment of silence as (Y/n) slowly turned to look at him. Then she burst into tears, sobbing as she realized he knew she was broken. She was in pieces far beyond what he had thought and what she had told him, and... he still loved her. He still stayed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she sobbed. Crossing the room, he stood her up and brought her to the bed to lie down. And laid with her, holding her for the rest of the night.

-

"I'll make sure they get up early enough to pick up his stuff on the way to school tomorrow" Realizing that Peter was going to spend the night Lilly had called his aunt to let her know and make sure she didn't worry.

"Thank you," May said

"I should be thanking you. You and Peter have been so good to us."

"I... I've just been worried about you guys that's all. Listen, I notice (Y/n) has been struggling and I don't mean to overstep or anything but do you think maybe she should talk to someone"

"Yes," Lilly sighs, " but we can't"

"Why?"

"You know who her father is. If she slips up and says her name, then those people go around talking Next thing you know, I got every news channel in America knocking on my door wanting to see Iron Man's daughter. I considered it before, but with who he is now... it is too big of a risk"

"You don't trust them"

"Sorry, but no, I don't, at least not with my baby. She's all I got"

"What if I helped you find someone? Someone trusts worth?" May could see not only (Y/n) spiraling but Lilly as well. They needed more help beyond what she could provide.

"If you can manage to find someone," she laughs bitterly.

"I do my best. For you and your daughter"

"May"

"Lilly?"

She sniffled " Thank you,"

-

When the day finally arrived, it went on as any other. It wasn't until the sunset that the atmosphere grew tense. Peter and May came over with Pizza for dinner. No one had the mindset to cook. They separated Peter and (Y/n) went to her room while May and Lilly stayed in the living room.

Peter and (Y/n) lay under her window quietly holding each other hands as they watched the city lights reflected on the window, New York didn't have stars.

"What's that?" May asked as Lilly joined her in the living room again, dropping a large black bag on the table. She sat down and sighed.

"Just in case"

She put her phone on the table, the numbers 9 and 1 already dialed, waiting for the last.

They continued to sit in silence.

In an Alley next to the apartment building, right under the living room window, was a parked SUV. His phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, Hey, where are you?" Pepper asked

"Out"

"Obviously, when are you coming home?"

He sighed, looking up at the window. " I don't know. I...I'll be back tomorrow I got to handle some stuff."

"Tomorrow?! Tony! What are you doing that has-"

"Listen, I got to go. Don't wait up" he hung up putting his phone on silent and tossing it in the passenger seat. He continued to watch the window.

Just in case.

-

The day introduced itself with bright light and blaring horns from the morning rush. The light was particularly rude, shining directly into Peter's eyes. Finding the blanket, he tossed it over his head. Opening his eyes, he found that he had tossed the blanket over (y/n)'s head as well.

(Y/n)

His fingers brushed her cheek thumb grazing her lips. He leans forward having their forehead touched and then their noses.

"(Y/n)" he whispered She began to mumble and move as she woke up but he held her in place pulling her closer to his body. " (Y/n)"

"hmm"

"You're 17"

"What?"

"You're 17"

She slowly opened her to see Peter lying in front of her she gave him a gentle kiss. Then her mind caught up with her and she realized what he said. She bolted upright.

"I'm 17"

Suddenly, her bedroom door was open, and her mother and May stepped in. There was a moment of silence.

"Happy late Birthday. Now get ready for school you have that English test today" Lilly said ignoring her blurry vision.

"Yes, ma'am." (y/n) said as she stood up. " Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"I love you"

"I love you too"

As Lilly closed the door May pulled her into her arms and allowed her to silently cry into her shoulder. Rubbing her back, telling her to let it all out, she needed this.

-

Tony watched as those going about their day walked by the open alley he was looking for one person though. He watched with baited breath as more and more people walked by but not the person he was looking for.

Until he did.

She was smiling and laughing, walking hand in hand with Peter. She was the happiest he had ever seen her he's never seen her happy before . Lilly also Came out with May also smiling. The group separated May and Lilly, crossing the street while Peter and (y/n) continued down the street, all the while still grinning and laughing.

He finally felt relief as he listened to her laughter go down the street.

Starting up the car, he pulled out of the alley and drove in the opposite direction of (y/n). Stopping at the next light he pulled up right next to Lilly and May. May didn't see him but Lilly did but she didn't say anything as they locked eyes she simply gave him a nod and kept walking.

(Y/n) was 17.

[pocketramblr]

Pocket you cannot leave me hanging like that, what happens after the DNA test comes out as a match?

1- The next night, the broker Izuku would prefer to not acknowledge comes back with a new piece of paper. "Well?" Shigaraki asks, and the broker waves his hands. "It's a boy." Dabi grabs the paper. "Match between Midoriya Izuku and... Person 2? Giran, what-" he stops, looks at Izuku, and tilts his head. "All Might's secret lovechild?"

2- Shigaraki buries his head in his hands at the worse mental image. Magne pats his back, Twice calls Dabi both an idiot and a genius, Toga questions how Giran got All Might's blood to test. Spinner and Compress turn to Izuku, and he shuts them down immediately. "No. I am not. Ugh, Todoroki thought that too "

Dabi gets so mad at that, he storms out without a word. Izuku thinks that's kinda weird, but Giran just takes the paper he dropped. "I didn't, Toga, that's mine. And it was a spit test, not blood."

Magne points out that spit is kinda just filtered blood, and Shigaraki yells at them all to shut up. Then, he asks Izuku about Todoroki- and his weaknesses.

3- Izuku has had to deal with Shigaraki wanting info on Bakugou out of him for the last day, and he's at his limit now. He snaps, Shigaraki snaps back, and it's only when Spinner tries to break in to point out that Todoroki was the other one who fought Stain. That's a good enough redirection for Izuku to ask if Shigaraki isn't super annoyed by the stain cosplay thing, considering their mall conversation. Giran sits down next between Magne and Compress, who fill him in on how Izuku's been the last day- refusing to let Toga spoon-feed him, but begrudgingly allowing Spinner, though they suspect that will be different now. Giran says Spinner is one of the better choices for Izuku to try and use for sympathy to get an out, since he does have Stain's approval, and Spinner is, as far as Giran knows, the only member who hasn't killed anyone yet. Smart. Compress says it runs in the family, but Magne says it's absolutely no thanks to Giran at all.

4- Giran lights up a smoke, with that gun lighter of his, and Izuku cuts off when he sees it, wary, until he just lights a cigarette and puts it away. He does ask though, "Giran, right, the broker? You give them the equipment too, you gave Mustard his gun?" Giran tells him he gave Dabi a gun, actually, and Mustard stole it. The others laugh. Izuku doesn't. He's mostly glad he heard any other name to use for the broker than Hisashi. But then Giran says that it sounds like Izuku's smart, and wonders if Tomura would have an easier time swaying Bakugou to his side using that. Either way, he'd be useful with some of Giran's training- and a short leash. Izuku's very unhappy with this idea, but Shigaraki's unhappy with him and says he might just do that, since it'll piss him off. Once Sensei makes sure he isn't OP, of course.

5- Izuku has a miserable next day, as usual. That night, Giran doesn't visit. Instead, the door knocks just before All Might crashes through the wall. Edgeshot knocks a lot of people out, then pauses looking at the piece of paper that fell from the bar. It's almost as disturbing as the teenage corpse floating inside of Kurogiri. But Izuku's hugging All Might, so everything is fine- aaaand they've all been wrapped away. Well. At least All Might can make AfO feel pain for it. Nine UA students commit vigilantism and get Izuku to a hospital. Inko is immediately brought over- though the hero Edgeshot does pull her aside while Izuku's in surgery, with a few questions.

+1- After Izuku gets his casts off and can go home, he gets a text from an unknown number.

"Hi kid. Like I said, even chances you'd get picked up. You can ask your friends how they knew, it was patches storming out in a hissy. Also like I said, you owe me a favor. Later, though. For now, just don't block this number?"

Izuku immediately blocks the number.

Cities away, Giran laughs and pulls out a second burner phone.

"fine, I get it, one helicopter parent is enough. Take your space."

Izuku glances to the door, behind which he knows his mother is getting ready for visitors from UA, that she isn't sure he's safe there, and holds his phone so tightly it breaks.

[tonya-the-chicken]

I've been thinking about Rei and Shouto as her savior and tbh this plot doesn't sit right with me. While very cute and romantic, it paints Rei in a bad light the moment you try to look at her actions from a more objective viewpoint

Here's the thing we know: 1) Fuyumi and Natsuo have been visiting her all these years; 2) Endeavor did not attempt to prevent or punish Shouto for visiting her; 3) During her stay in the hospital she was not allowed to have a phone but she could communicate through other means like letters; 4) at some point (maybe after housekeepers retirement) Fuyumi ended up being the one who took care of her younger siblings and 5) Endeavor neglected his family, not even coming for dinners

So, I got a question. If she was allowed to contact Shouto, why she never did? Sure, she believed that he hated her for the kettle accident but she is his mother and he was 5. Why on Earth he must've lived 10 years without receiving "Sorry for what happened. I love you and I want to see you. I am always waiting for your visit"? She could've written a letter and given it to Fuyumi who wouldn't have any problem delivering it to Shouto since their father never explicitly said they couldn't communicate and even if he did, he's not fucking home to enforce the rules. It's the simplest easiest thing and we can talk all day long about how she wasn't there "mentally" but her inability to get over her own made-up mental blocks (while in a hospital full of psychologists no less) and extend at least some love to her son that was left with an abusive father (and she knew he was abusive), honestly, makes me fume

But anyway this is not what I wanted to write about. The only thing stopping her is her own brain, ok. But then, the way the plot develops about it being a good, honorable thing that Shouto approached her first and not her failing as a mother and then also pushes Hawks to think "I left my parents behind", like, is any of this normal? Do you think we need to see children saving their parents? Do you think we need to act like they can save.... no, like it's their responsibility to save them? That's one of the most fucked beliefs an abused child can develop that will screw their lives. You can't save shit. You can't change them. If your parents wanted to love you, they would find a way, they have a whole ass life of experience

When you compare it with Enji's plotline it feels almost like a joke. Somehow he decided to become a better person on his own accord, despite all his children explicitly hating him while Rei always had the support of two of them and still waited until the third one came around before growing as a person. And her brutal favoritism is showcased by the narrative in a romantic way. Shouto saves her. He is their family's hero

Children are not supposed to save their parents. More importantly, when we talk about anything realistic, children can't save their parents. This is a manga about heroes but it touches on serious family issues and tries to show them in semi-realistic ways. It's straight-up harmful to push the idea that a child can fix their mentally ill distant parent that made no effort to be with them

Rei's behavior is so much more fucked up and traumatizing than the narrative is showing us. Maybe because Shouto never questions it and idolizes her. Sure, it's traumatic to be physically hurt by your mother but do you think her cutting off all contact with her son would help? You can free her from accountability by tripling down on painting Enji as the most horrid unredeemable person. But why? Can't we start talking about how mothers bear responsibility for their actions even if their marriage was fucked up? Can't we start talking about how their traumas don't absolve them from the blame?

This post is too much about Rei's mistakes (that are not discussed enough in this fandom!) but I wanted to talk more about narrative. It often ignores Rei's mistakes, even shows them as good or so so sympathy-inducing and easy to understand. Not only this, with Hawks seeing Shouto as a good example, it's clear Horikoshi puts an opinion out there that it's a great idea to try to save your parent. It is not

[jonfucius]

Great Star Trek Rewatch - Enterprise S3

Originally posted on Twitter 16 September 2019 - 10 January 2020

Enterprise Season 3 is up next in my Great Star Trek Rewatch. As in Seasons 1 and 2, mini-reviews will document my progress.

The Xindi: Good action, a suspenseful mystery. The 5-species Xindi are a great addition to the Trek pantheon. The first neuropressure scene is extremely awkward and objectifying, and I'm taking 2 points for that. Still, a somewhat strong start to Season 3. 8/10

Anomaly: Our heroes are forced to compromise their ethics, as the mysteries of the Delphic Expanse deepen. It’s still jarring to see Archer nearly suffocate a prisoner to get information. Good action at the end. 7/10

Extinction: I didn’t like this one when it was “Identity Crisis” on TNG, so I really don’t like “Extinction”. If I was a first-time viewer who stumbled onto this episode back in 2003, I’d probably never give Trek another chance. Just awful. 1/10

Rajiin: The women of ENT are once again the unfortunate victim of a tone-deaf, misogynistic, exploitative script. Star Trek hasn’t ever handled sexuality with the greatest aplomb, and this episode proves it. 3/10

Impulse: Day of the Dead Vulcans! A shockingly effective teaser and a truly scary coda elevates a basic zombie story. Jolene Blalock gives one of her best T’Pol performances in this episode. The trellium poisoning will have later ramifications. 8/10

Exile: Hoshi and the Beast, and an Archer & Reed subplot. Both plots move the season arc forward, but it’s an otherwise forgettable entry. 5/10

The Shipment: We learn more about the Xindi here, as a crucial piece of the plot is advanced with the titular kemocite shipment. 8/10

Twilight: One of ENT’s finest episodes. A spatial anomaly renders Archer much like Leonard Shelby. A reset button episode, sure, but a sweet and touching episode that evolves Archer and T’Pol’s friendship. 10/10

North Star: I don't care that this is a Space Western, I love this episode. The stakes are relatively low but it's a rollicking ride. It's fun to see our heroes doing exactly what Pike, Kirk, Picard, Sisko, or Janeway would do, but before the Federation exists. 9/10

Similitude: Y’all. One of the all-time great ethical debates Star Trek has ever posed. Another excellent season 3 installment. 10/10

Carpenter Street: An engaging time-travel yarn with some subtle commentary on early 21st century American life. Archer and T’Pol are an underrated pairing. The great Leland Orser is the icing on the cake. 8/10

Chosen Realm: It’s heavy-handed, and D’Jamat is a hateable villain with absolutely no redeeming qualities. I feel no sympathy for these people. I demand justice for the poor unnamed sciences crew person blown out into space by the suicide bomber. 6/10

Proving Ground: The Andorians offer assistance, but it’s just a ruse to get their hands on a WMD that would defeat the Vulcans. Archer’s solution is ingenious. Nice VFX here too. 7/10

Stratagem: The titular stratagem is exceedingly clever. The one that closes out the episode is even better. Degra is a sympathetic villain. 8/10

Harbinger: The plots with the mysterious alien and the MACO-Starfleet tensions are great. Had this ep focused on that, it would’ve been better. What’s not great is the T’Pol-Cole-Tucker Triangle, culminating in the infamous nude scene. It drags the score down by 5 points. 3/10

Doctor’s Orders: I liked this one better when it was “One” on Voyager. 4/10

Hatchery: The reverse-imprinting twist is intriguing, but it also feels very similar to “Extinction” (not a good thing). It’s an utterly forgettable entry. 5/10

Azati Prime: Wow. Tense from the jump, excellent plot advancement, and a truly harrowing, nail-biting conclusion. 10/10

Damage: A quieter "second act" to Azati Prime, Archer has to make some tough calls that are explicitly compared to the marauders from earlier in the season. He also manages to sow some doubt among the Xindi Council. 8/10

The Forgotten: Trip's struggle with writing a condolence letter to a fallen colleague masks his trauma over his sister's death. His scene with T'Pol in the wrecked corridor is incredibly moving, as is his condolence letter. The Degra plot is duly advanced, as well. 10/10

E²: I’ve watched this one four or five times while trying to review it for this rewatch, and it still does nothing for me. DS9’s “Children of Time” has the same basic plot, but is more memorable and poignant. This episode is basically marking time to the final episodes. 4/10

The Council: Pour one out for Degra and Cpl Hawkins. What starts as a slow, methodical dialog-heavy episode goes from 0-60 in the final minutes with the launch of the Xindi weapon and Hoshi’s abduction. 8/10

Countdown: The body count rises: the Xindi-Insectoid Councillor and Maj Hayes (in a tragic subversion of the last-second beam-out trope). The Sphere Builders play their hand as the weapon deploys. Meanwhile, our heroes discover the thermal exhaust port of the spheres. 9/10

Zero Hour: Y’all. ENT’s biggest spectacle to date. The Xindi weapon is destroyed (featuring a stone-cold Archer killing Dolim with a bomb), the Sphere Builders are defeated, and…NAZIS?! This episode ties up ENT’s strongest season to date while keeping us hooked for S4. 10/10

And with that, Season 3 of ENT comes to an end in my Great Star Trek Rewatch. Final score: 7.04/10. Highest score(s): “Twilight,” “Similitude,” “Azati Prime,” “The Forgotten,” “Zero Hour”. Lowest score(s): “Extinction”

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. I think RS missed the mark of hot immortal, cause most the time teenage girls fall for that trope when the immortal is young looking and hot, not described as a “dusty add dad”. I never thought Edward Cullen was all that attractive but he beats hades

2. Hermes and Persephone had so much chemistry right from the beginning of their friendship. It’s fucking sad HxP is the endgame

3. Lore Olympus is dragging so much that the whole trial arc is a clear example of it

4. I think one part of why HxP fails in LO is that because of all these added plots, its basically saying HxP wouldn't be a thing without external forces. They don't meet by their own choice, Hera forces them to work together, and even Persephone staying with him/possibly marrying him is via her running away from the law/Apollo. Take those factors away, would they still meet? Would they still get together? Because by what I can tell, LO seems to be telling us they wouldn't, and that's not good.

5. I feel like LO’s handling of Minthe is arguably one of the worst aspects of the whole comic, and we are not short of reasons to critique it.

Now, if Minthe was an one note, catty woman since the beginning, then that would be fine and provide the realistic but low stake drama RS seems way more comfortable depicting, and it would make it easier to root for Persephone and HxP.

The problem is LO..?? Doesn’t do that?? Instead it shows us Minthe actually wants to get better, she’s making steps to get better, it shows and tells us her inner turmoil and fears and struggles about how people hate her without giving her a change and even how Hades himself shows no sympathy or care towards her struggles or comfort levels, instead being upset she’s not the “perfect” person to fawn over him in public and love the spotlight that being his wife would be. She genuinely seems to be in love with him and figuring out her feelings while Hades takes all of an hour to forget she even exists, already lusting after his barely legal so to be intern who he handled her unconscious body only hours before and was suggesting they have sex in his kitchen as “flirting”. And as we all know, Minthe and Hades go “Fatesbook” official only a day later, meaning Persephone is the other woman and Hades is the cheating party (even if it’s just emotional, though LO even admits that’s worse) and yet Minthe is against framed as wrong for being upset her boyfriend is pretty basically cheating right in wrong of her on the regular for everyone to see. Even when they break up the very same day Hades is already making out with Persephone, and yet LO tries to frame this as a win for HxP, despite the actual unromantic context of him screaming at her and their cheating ways and RS trying to claim Hades wouldn’t do such a thing (can’t even keep her own lore in check)

More so we see Minthe is actually legally right for exposing Persephone’s crimes and Demeter’s treason, but because it’s against the “precious cinnamon roll” she’s in the wrong, and deserves to be crippled for it. Even Rachel admits she sees Minthe as having untreated BPD, basically telling us Minthe’s mental health is directly linked to her bad nature, and this she should be condemned for it. More so, we see before her demise how Hades basically ruined her life, himself being the one who “blurred the lines” between their professional relationship which he even admits was wrong, the one who controls her livelihood and even the roof over her head, and who never stood up for her against his cruel and elitist family despite him being her only true “decent” relationship, yet she’s still framed as wrong and deserving to suffer, and her demise is nothing but a joke, and now the antagonist we got before even Persephone was introduced is nothing but a plant in a dark room, alone and forgotten.

It’s honestly kind of impressive how much LO mishandled its logical antagonist, and only ended up making its main selling point and ship look worse in the process. Minthe is easily the most interesting part of LO all by accident, and yet its own creator and fans wanted nothing more than to see her suffer. She truly deserves better than a creator, story, and fanbase that wanted her dead from the moment she was introduced. 

6. i always find it weird theres such a large LO/reylo stan overlap bc its like .... yall know kylo murdered billions of ppl right? and killed his father? and basically the entire sequel trilogy was about how hes evil, right? also his "redemption" was literally dying lmao. like idk maybe its just me but i wouldnt want my "precious soft boi hades" to be compared to a genocidal asshole and have persephone be compared to the woman who was, according to the director, "mind-r//ped" by kylo 🤔

7. Ngl, the special edition cover for volume one looks,,, disturbing. Like it’s so disturbing and off putting like I can’t even look at it for more than a second.

8. LO cosplays unintentionally give away how bad the character designs are, because unlike other series where characters have distinct outfits or features or accessories, all LO has is just color, or else you have no idea who is who, and even then it becomes confusing when more characters are introduced and they share the same colors, so you end up not being able to tell who you're looking at. Also the all flat or the too shiny makeup doesn't look good either, its major homestuck vibes tbh)

-----FP Spoilers-----

9. Hades is so fウcking dumb. Admitting you gave Thanatos (who was a kid and couldn't decide about himself) special treatment doesn't mean giving it to Perse wasn't bad either. It means you went with nepotism shイt twice. And no one can tell me he couldn't refuse Nyx offer. He is a king he has the power not her! He basically just admitted to repeated nepotism and being awful king his ppl don't respect. That's ridiculous, how can people not see it?

10. I feel like RS is only writing the current special treatment debate trial subplot to address increasing fan awareness of the inappropriateness of HxP’s relationship. Had people not pointed it out, it never would’ve been addressed because the TMT trio (Thanatos, Minthe, Thetis) were portrayed as unreasonable for opposing Hades’s preferential treatment of Persephone in the first place..

[elenajohansenreads]

Books I Read in 2021

#84 - The Glittering Court, by Richelle Mead

Mount TBR: 70/100

Rating: 1/5 stars

What did I like about this? It was digestible. Having just come off a heavy, plodding, disappointing fantasy read, the easy YA tell-don't-show narrative style went down smooth like a slushie on a hot day.

And that's the best thing I can say about the whole book--it read fast and easy.

What didn't I like?

1. The fact that this touts itself as fantasy when it's not in the least bit fantastical. I don't require my fantasy to have magic or creatures or zombies or anything, but if you're going to call something "fantasy" it should at least be about fictional cultures that the author has invented. This is just England colonizing the Americas with the names changed. The only thing that could be said to be "fantasy" is that the population they're displacing in the process isn't an indigenous one, it was established by previous outcasts from their own country--though that wasn't clear to me until the first time we met them and they were white, blond, and used woad as decoration. So they're not supposed to be Native American analogues, they're supposed to be displaced Picts?

2. Either way, it's still racist and pro-colonization, because even if the Icori aren't meant to represent an indigenous people, they're still clearly Other, and constantly labeled as "savages" in order to justify taking their land, which all of our protagonists are participating in, in some form. Does it matter what color this fictional group of people is, if the narrative is parroting real history and real racism?

3. The second half of the plot feels, at best, tenuously related to the first half. The change in fortune for our protagonists that happens at the midpoint struck me as so flimsy and unbelievable that it was hard to take the rest of the book seriously, and that made it more obvious to me who the real villain was, despite whatever weak red herrings were planted along the way. Seriously--the first half of the story is The Bridgertons but the second turns into Little House on the Prairie. It's too big a genre shift to make the transition seem natural.

4. There were times when I was approaching a reasonable level of sympathy for our heroine, despite her many flaws, but every time the story had a chance to explore those flaws and perhaps let the character do some work on them...well, she just kept being headstrong and selfish and whiny, right up until the LHotP section where after a single pep talk from the hero, she's completely changed, resolved to her new station in life with a determination that seemed half-delusional and certainly out of character. She didn't work for it, so it didn't seem real.

5. I did not know, having picked up this book in isolation, that the rest of the "series" is actually the same time period from the perspective of one of the other girls, specifically the two best friends of the heroine. Now that I do know that, the giant blank spaces in this story where Mira and Tamsin constantly fall out of it without explanation--or with the pointedly obvious lampshade "it's not my business so I'm not going to ask"--make sense structurally. However, that doesn't mean I don't think it's a terrible flaw, because these holes are constant and irritating. For a while in the middle of the book, it felt like every time I turned two pages, the heroine was asking out loud, "Where's Mira?" And pretty quickly I knew that question wouldn't be answered in this book, so why keep asking?

6. I never found Cedric compelling enough a hero to justify the constant sacrifices that Adelaide made for him. I don't think he's a terrible character, and I enjoyed some of their banter and their occasional fights, but I'm also not about to add him to my book-boyfriend list, so it was hard to imagine myself, or anyone for that matter, doing as much for him as Adelaide did.

7. Religion. Woooo boy. I guess this part is the "fantasy" I was lamenting the lack of earlier, because if the accepted and heretic forms of this fictional religion are supposed to correspond to real-world counterparts, I didn't pick up on it with enough certainty to tell. But my problem is that it's suddenly a Very Big Deal that one character is a heretic, when religion had played such a small part in the story leading up to that revelation that I was mostly operating on the assumption that the main religion was socially performative, and that no one in the story was especially devout. Adelaide certainly doesn't seem to be. But since this heresy becomes central to the conflict later on, I wish it had been better established in the beginning, because (again) the second half of the book seems wildly different than the first, and this was another aspect that made it hard to take seriously.

8. Heteronormative AF. There's one token queer person who has a minor role, showing up just long enough for Adelaide to realize other women/cultures don't abide by her society's rigid norms and to feel briefly uncomfortable about it. But there's no follow-up, no depth, no opportunity for Adelaide to grow beyond what she's been taught. To some extent, I'm okay with that--not every story has room for fighting LGBT+ battles, and even more simply put, stories are allowed to be about other things. But parading just that one wlw character out for a moment, and making her a foreigner to reinforce her otherness, strikes me as a really poor choice if the story didn't actually want to fight that battle. Why bring it up at all? Especially as this is supposed to be fantasy, why couldn't the Glittering Court be an institution that provides marriage candidates to both men and women? If the candidate pool was both male and female, and so was the clientele, then many forms of queerness would be covered by it without having to dig into specifics about each character. (It doesn't directly address ace/aro people, but presumably they'd be less interested in a marriage mart anyway, on either side, and self-select out of it.) I mean, I know why, because that would mean that in the New World there would have to be women in positions of power who needed husbands (or wives, yes, but this wrinkle is about men.) And there's no shortage of men in the colonies, so that doesn't track logically the same way the actual setup does. But again, if this is supposed to be fantasy....

[jjmaybanksblog]

Lost Sweater- Kiara Carrera

Kiara x female reader

Summary: Alternative Universe where when one person loses something, their soulmate receives it. 

Word count: 2,028

Warnings: None

B/N: Brother/ boy name

Y/N: Your name

Y/A: Your age

Soulmate. A simple word that brings many thoughts to the brain. Someone who you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, happily. Someone who will treat you in ways you could only dream of. Many people believe in them, others don't. You grew up a non-believer never understanding why God would make something so amazing, such a difficult task for people. Your friends all around you had begun receiving their lost items, all of them meeting their soulmates, meanwhile you remained confused and alone.

You were a non-believer until one day your missing sweater wound up on your bed with a note attached to it.

"You must have misplaced this, I was confused when I was sleeping and the cotton fell on my face, fun fact I almost suffocated. Anyways, hi. This must belong to my soulmate, damn that's crazy. In my entire life I never believed in this shit, my parents telling me about how they met because my dad found and returned a necklace that meant a lot to my mom. I always thought it was bullshit until recently. Here's your sweater back, I 'lost it' throwing it out my window. I hope to hear from you soon.

Your soulmate"

You read the letter over and over as the thoughts finally sunk in. Maybe you wouldn't be alone after all. Gently biting your bottom lip, you suddenly felt a rush of adrenaline run through your body. You ran out of the room and into your brother's room.

He was sitting down at his desk when you barged in. He turned around towards you, only to be nearly tackled in a hug. "Who are you and what have you done with my sister. You barely hug me." B/N asked as he saw the letter in your hand. "Ohhh shit. You got your soulmate." He mumbled, putting the pieces together.

"I'm not gonna end up alone!" You smiled. Your brother knew of your fear. You had talked to him before, explaining your thought process about this all. You were afraid you would die alone, not knowing what it would be like to love and be loved. You knew it was irrational, but growing up you never pictured someone falling in love with you. You took it to heart so you just shut every romantic aspect out of your life.

Your brother congratulated you before you ran back into your room, writing on a lined piece of paper.

"Dear soulmate,

Wow. Just writing those two words felt foreign. Sorry about my sweater almost killing you, I'm just a clumsy person that loses things a lot, but I'm glad you're okay. I also was a non-believer. I always saw the people around me finding their soulmates and being happy, meanwhile I was in the corner watching all my friends find the one. For the longest time I was convinced that maybe I just wasn't meant to have one, but knowing you're out there makes me feel... safe. Attached to this note is a picture of me, I figured maybe if you're curious enough you would want to know what I look like. My name is Y/N I'm Y/A years old and I can't wait to find out who my soulmate is. Xx

Y/N

You took an image of yourself and stapled it to the back of the letter. Opening your window that led to her backyard, you grabbed a scrunchie and wrapped it around the note. You carelessly threw the note and picture out of the window and watched it effortlessly fly away in the night sky. You fell onto your bed, staring happily at your bedroom ceiling. 

Slowly drifting off to sleep, your eyes snapped open when you heard a soft popping sound echoed by your desk. Rubbing your eyes, you stood up and walked over. Another letter was displayed on the wood, you smiled softly as you sat down. Your eyes scanned the letter as you read it out loud.

Y/N,

Wow. Just wow. I can't even think of words to form right now. You're absolutely breathtaking. I'm not gonna lie I wasn't expecting a girl, but God, do I feel blessed knowing that you're my soulmate. Your letter and picture were actually soaking wet. But it smelled like salt water, so I'm guessing you live possibly on a coast. I live in the Outer Banks in North Carolina. When I got your letters it just smelled like home. I wanna go traveling, to you, out of the country, just explore new things. I totally understand how you felt about feeling like you're not gonna find a soulmate. I've watched more than half of my high school senior class find their soulmates during the year. Meanwhile I was acting like everything was completely fine and I wasn't distraught. I should be asleep right now, but I'm dying to talk to you. Get to know you. Later on if you'd like, I would love to call you. To hear your voice and your laugh. I think you should get some rest as well. I have no clue what time it is where you are but I want my love to be well rested. Goodnight Xx

Kiara Carrera

You flipped the paper around to see a beautiful mixed girl with carmel colored skin. Her hair was curly and beautiful, flowing from wind. Your eyes were drawn to her smile, you could tell she was laughing and you wished to be able to hear her laugh.

For days on end you and Kiara had been 'losing things' with letters attached to them. Tonight was the night where Kiara was going to call you. Both of you were on the edge of their seats, your hearts beating rapidly. Kiara's hands shook as she dialed your number, pausing between each number.

After what felt like forever, the phone began to ring. You audibly gasped at the sound of a bell ringing. You hesitantly picked up your cell phone that was placed on the bedside dresser. "H-hello?" You spoke into the phone. Kiara broke out in a grin, "Y/F/N, Y/L/N." Your name rolled off her tongue, goosebumps rising on your arms and back of your neck.

"Kiara Carrera" you spoke back, Kiara internally squeaking at the soft, velvety voice that spoke her name. "My god your voice.. okay I totally don't mean to sound weird but it's just so calming and relaxing. God okay wow hi, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be on the phone with my soulmate." Kiara spoke as she nervously chewed her bottom lip.

"Honestly, me too. Growing up I always... ugh I don't mean to sound like I was sympathy or attention, I always grew up insecure and pictured myself as someone who could never be loved. And everyday I always saw or heard about people finding their soulmates in different ways. It went on for years and everyday I lost hope, but now I'm here talking to you and I feel nauseous, but in a good nervous way. Does that make sense?" You asked, rapidly shaking your leg.

"No I totally get it, I feel really hot right now mostly because I don't know what to say to you. Like my whole life I've planned on things to say but now that I'm talking to you I have no clue what to say or how to say it." 

Kiara threw herself on her bed, her smile never leaving her face as she closed her eyes, listening to your soothing voice. "So, tell me about Kiara, what it's like to live in the Outer Banks?" 

4 months later

After months of planning, you had managed to save up enough money for a plane ticket to OBX. You were currently walking off the plane and into the terminal, your heart beating a mile a minute. You stood to the side as you were about to text Kiara, asking where she was. 

That was until you locked eyes with the girl you'd recognize from the pictures. Kiara's heart felt like it was about to leap out of her chest as your eyes met. You held your suitcase tightly as you made a run towards your girl. 

You released your items mid run as you opened your arms out. With one swift motion Kiara picked you up in her arms, holding you close to her. Your legs wrapped around her waist as you held each other tightly. "You're real." Kiara mumbled into your neck as she held back tears.

You pulled away from the hug, your legs still around her torso. Her fingers brushed their way through your hair, subconsciously leaning into her touch. Kiara pecked your cheek as she placed you down onto your feet. Your hands intertwined as you guys walked to her car, your thumb rubbing over her knuckles.

They spent the car ride debating on which Beyonce song was truly the best. Kiara blasted the music as loud as she could take as she sped down roads to her house. 

She drove past the beach, your eyes not leaving the beautiful view in front of you. Your head was turned to the window as colors of the sand and the ocean blurred by. "You want to go?" Kie asked you as she saw you admiring the waves.

You were left speechless, only able to nod your head. 

As soon as they got to Kiara's house, her family was waiting at the door to be introduced. You felt an overwhelming amount of support from her family, none of them giving you attitude or being rude. No one was being homophobic, they were so welcoming towards you which made this day even better.

"Let's go get changed. Bathrooms down the hall and to the left." You dragged your suitcase behind you as you entered the bathroom. You quickly changed into a teal bikini, both pieces of fabric covering you properly, throwing on an oversized shirt for comfort. Kiara grabbed 2 towels and waited for you at this point her face ache from smiling but she couldn't stop.

You walked back out, giving your girl a thumbs up. Joining Kie in the car, she set off to the beach which was only 5 minutes away. It was currently 7:42 p.m. and the sun was beginning to set. The sky was painted in a mixture of purples and pinks, splashes of orange thrown into it as well. You laid down the two towels and sat down on one of them, patting the space next to you.

Kie sat down, instinctively wrapping her arm around you. You rested your head on her shoulder, sitting there in a comfortable silence. You were still in awe at the sight, the waves rising and then quickly falling onto the sand. This was everything compared to the beaches in New Jersey. The birds that flew above, diving down at any food they could find. The sounds of the waves crashing relaxed you to another level. 

"I can't believe you get to see this everyday." You whispered. "You could get to see it everyday too. Well, one day. Well only if you want of course." Kiara nervously stumbled on her words, not knowing how to recover from that. "I'd love that." You simply said, looking at her. The sunlight reflected perfectly off her skin, giving her a sort of Golden look. 

"Kiara?" You questioned, your eyes falling to her lips. "Hmm?" "Can I kiss you?" Kiara was taken back at your question, but immediately answered by moving in toward her. She leaned forward, her lips brushing against yours. You made the final move and pushed slightly so you two were finally kissing. Both of you melted into each other's touch as you smiled into the kiss. You two shared a passionate kiss for a few seconds before pulling away, your noses gently touching. You pressed a kiss to her nose as she shyly bit her bottom lip. 

You rested your head back on her shoulder, staring back into the sunset. "I'm really glad I lost that sweater." You admitted.

"I am too."

[casikototmblr]

The Devil’s Wish - Part 4.

Summary: Reader sets the record straight with Venable, giving her an ultimatum. A scene happens in the dining area of the Outpost and reader helps to resolve it.

A/N: Yeet, this part contains smut. don’t say i didn’t warn you, lol ;).

Word count:  2,377.

You eyed the arrogant woman up and down as she paced into the boardroom, the thin heels of her shoes click-clacking on the pristine marble floor of the cynical room. You bobbed your head in the direction of the black and outlandish seat which was situated on the opposing end of the long-drawn table; encouraging her to sit down.

"Why am I here? I need this to be quick, I have an outpost to run!" She spoke firmly as she sat down slowly in the chair opposite, her bony and frail hands clasped tightly together as she impatiently sat.

"Managing the outpost isn't your concern anymore, Ms Venable. You should have apprehended that by now as I believe Michael has made it clear enough." You scoffed as she unclasped her paws and deposited them on the slabbed table.

"I was put in charge here, tasked with the fundamental duties of leading the outpost." She asserted sharply as she watched you intensely, her anger starting to display on her face and you had only just started. 

"I know that, but matters have changed. I understand what it's like, you've gone from running an outpost your way to now having someone else do it for you." You addressed as Venable sank into her tall seat, lifting her hands from the cold, metal table to the sides of her small frame.

"But what you have to understand is that Michael isn't here to undo what you've done. He's simply here just to do his job like you are." You continued as you rose out of your seat and moved swiftly over to the repulsive woman who followed your every move.

"I've been here longer than Michael, I know this place like the back of my hand!" Venable yelled as she became more outraged by the second at the thought of her position being jeopardised.

"Look, Ms Venable...I could bring your world crashing down with a single click of my fingers if I wanted to. I know people that would be more than happy to do so, myself included. I'm just asking you to back off, for your sake..." You scolded her as you towered over her delicate frame. "So, either take what I'm saying on board or face the consequences. It's up to you." You continued as you paced back to your elegant, black seat. 

"Can I just go now?" Venable groaned as she rose from her chair, her eyes fixed to you as the woman placed her hands behind her back.

"Of course...Just think of what we've spoken about today." You returned as you moved away from the woman before you exited the large room. You left Venable there as she clutched her hands together, the whites of her knuckles started to show.

As you made your way down the hallway and back to Michael's office, you were suddenly interrupted by a Gray. You looked the pale Gray up and down as she fumbled with the hem of her long sleeves, confusion displayed on your face as you set your hands on your hips. 

"Is everything okay?" You asked as you furrowed your brows in curiosity as to why they stopped you in the hallway.

"You might want to see this, Miss." The Gray responded as she ignored your previous question. The Gray started walking down the darkly-coloured hallway as you followed her quickly, wondering where she was taking you. 

As you came closer and closer to the end of the hallway, you heard raised voices. They seemed to be coming from the dining area. Both your's and the woman's paces became quicker as the shouts became louder.

"Ugh! If I have to eat another of these fucking god-damn blocks, I'll kill myself! I can't take this shit anymore.!" The shrill voice exclaimed. You quickly caught a glimpse of who the voice belonged to as you and the Gray swiftly turned the corner, now exposed to the screaming mess that was taking place in the open dining area. It was no other than Coco, of course.

"You know what, she's right! I can't take this shit anymore." The white-haired man exclaimed, knocking his chair to the floor with a force as he rose from his chair. You studied the situation as you made your way over, everyone else in the small dining area was sat down now apart from an eccentric Gallant. 

"You're more than welcome to leave, to rot outside like the rest of the world," Michael declared firmly, not noticing your presence as you stood a couple of meters away from him. 

"Gallant, just sit down...You're making a scene!" Evie exclaimed at Gallant, a serious look on her face as Gallant scoffed at her.

"Don't tell me what to do. You never gave a shit before, so don't start now." Gallant answered back as he grabbed a plate and tossed it at the bricked wall behind Evie - just barely missing her. The shards of china spewed everywhere on the concrete flooring. 

"Get out." Michael declared raising his voice now, the sound of his voice echoing off the walls of the outpost.

"Fine!" Gallant exclaimed with a laugh, throwing his hands up in defeat as he walked out of the dining area - only to be dragged back by two tall guards and knocked out cold. You watched on in shock as his unconscious body fell to the floor with a thud. 

"Move him somewhere else," Michael barked at the guards as they quickly obeyed his command, dragging Gallant along the floor in the opposite direction of the dining room past you. 

"Where's Gallant being taken?" You asked as you walked over to Michael, anger resonating on his face as he turned around to face you, stepping out of the dining area and closing the sliding door behind him. 

"To one of the chambers," Michael answered taking a deep exhale whilst he pinched the bridge of his nose, his head to the floor. "There's always something happening here..." He added softly with a sigh. You placed the tips of your fingers underneath his chin as you lifted his head, his soft eyes now looking at you instead. 

"People are still adjusting to the change. You have to be patient, Mikey. " You cooed softly as you grabbed his rough hand in your soft one.

Michael nodded along. 

"I have to go deal with Gallant." Michael continued as you squeezed his hand in yours. 

"I'll do it, you go back to the room and get some rest." You suggested as you ungripped his hand and placed yours on his soft cheek, rubbing the skin of his cheekbone with your thumb.

"What about lunch?" Michael asked as you moved your hand away, placing it beside your sides.

"We can do that another day, go get some rest." You continued as Michael approved before turning away and stepping down the candle-lit hallway to the right of him. 

It was a 5-minute walk down a labyrinth of tunnels and hallways before you finally arrived at the chamber Gallant was placed in. You nodded your head towards the door for the guards to open it as they strolled over and opened the flap. They took a quick peek inside and unlocked the door, giving you the go-ahead to enter. 

"Gallant?" You spoke softly as you glared at the man beginning to come conscious again.

"W-Wha- Where am I?" Gallant exclaimed confused as he jolted upright, examining the strange place. The walls were stone as well as the floor with very little lighting just bright enough to see Gallant's confused face.

"You're fine, We've just placed you down here for the time-being once you calm down." You explained as you placed your hands behind your back. "Now, what happened?" You asked.

"I-I don't know..I-I think I'm going insane. This place...This place is driving me over the edge." A rather confused Gallant exclaimed. You knelt to his level, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"You're fine, you'll be back upstairs with the others in a minute." You had more sympathy than Michael did in situations like this. Michael probably would have kept him down here for a couple of days for the way how he behaved like a wild animal, showing him the consequences of what would happen if he was to repeat himself. You decided not to and to show some compassion - compassion which was needed at a time like this.

You held a hand out for Gallant to take. He grasped your hand and leaned on you, getting himself up.

"Thank you." A now calmed Gallant mumbled to you.

"Open the door." Your voice bounced off the walls of the small room. The door quickly opened, allowing you and Gallant to walk out. You made your way back to the seating area where the rest of the residents were, you glanced as Gallant made his way to the sofa.

"Feel better, Gallant." You spoke to him softly as you flashed him a smile before turning around and walking away in the direction of your's and Michael's room. 

You unlocked the door to your shared room and glanced over to see Michael asleep on top of the silk bedsheets. You sighed softly and stepped into the room as quiet as possible, making your way over to your side of the double bed. You kicked your small boots off and set them down before drawing the silky covers back and climbing into bed next to Michael. 

"Where's Gallant now?" Michael asked sleepily as he draped an arm over your body, pulling you closer to his.

"Back with the others." You responded softly as you grabbed his hand and intertwined your fingers with his.

"Why? He could have hurt someone before, or even killed Evie." Michael stated, his voice slightly raised at the thought of Gallant getting away with what happened. 

"I decided to show some compassion. It's a hard time Michael, for all of us." You cooed softly to Michael as you tried your best to calm him down. 

"Compassion that he doesn't deserve. I'll  be having a word with him tomorrow." Michael declared as you turned around to face Michael.

"There's no need, I dealt with it effectively." You added as you glanced at Michael.

"Alright if you say," Michael replied with a sigh as you straddled his hips. His hands snaked their way to your hips as you connected your lips to his in a passionate kiss; your hands placing themselves on both of his cheeks as he turned over, you now on the bottom.

"You want this, huh?" Michael spoke as you palmed him whilst Michael started to undress you. 

You nodded as you bit your lip, doing the same to Michael..

"Then I'll fuck you so hard, you won't be wanting it for a bit." He started kissing your clit, flicking it with his tongue fast. 

You moaned at the pleasure you were receiving, you bucked your hips forward maximizing the pleasure.

"Fuck, Michael!" You moaned out, your hands already wrapped in his hair. Michael ran a finger up and down your wet slit, drenching himself in your juices before thrusting his finger deep inside you causing you to scream out in pleasure. He added another finger, amping up the speed of the thrusts.

"You liking that, baby?" Michael cooed as he looked up at your body, weak at his touch.

You grabbed hold of his fingers and thrust them deeper inside you, hitting your g-spot. You threw your head back and moaned. He added another finger, intensifying the pleasure again now going faster and hitting your g-spot repeatedly with the three fingers.

Your legs and body twitched at the pleasure, your hands gripped the sheets as your stomach tightened as you edged closer to your climax.

"Cum baby." Michael cooed, softly into your ear, the words pushed you over the edge.  

"Fuck! ou moaned as you reached your high, your walls clenching around his fingers. Your juices flowed out of you as your legs trembled. 

Michael slid his fingers out, you opened your mouth requesting his fingers. He placed his fingers in your mouth as you licked yourself off them. You opened your mouth, letting them go.

"Turn around and get on your hands and knees," Michael said firmly, you did as he said. You turned onto your front and got yourself up. Michael unbuckled his belt and took his pants and boxers, his cock already hard. He grabbed his hard cock and ran it up and down your wet slit, drenching the tip in your juices. He pushed himself in slowly, you moaned, throwing your head back as he buried his cock in you. He grabbed your hips to steady himself and started thrusting in and out, first at a slow pace, teasing you.

"Michael.." You moaned. This turned him on, even more, he picked up the pace now slamming in and out of you. You felt your legs start to tremble as the vibrations trickled down your legs, you placed your hands on the top of the headboard to hold yourself up.

"Fuck.." You moaned loudly. He started going faster and faster, causing your stomach to tighten up, your legs almost caving in as you edged closer to your second orgasm. Michael leaned forward and grabbed hold of your tits, still slamming in and out of you.

The pleasure was too much for you to handle. Your legs gave out, you grasped onto the headboard as you came, just managing to keep yourself in the same position.

"Michael!" You screamed out as you came, your walls clenching tightly around his cock causing him to cum too. Yours and Michael's juices mixing. Michael pulled out and grabbed your weak body, pulling you into him as he pulled back the covers and threw them over.

You nestled into his chest as he held you in his arms whilst the pair of you caught your breath as you fell asleep, wrapped in Michael's arms.

[bobasheebaby]

100 Roseanne Prompts

I usually try to stick to quotes that can work for everyone but some of these were too good to skip. Break at 15 like always. Request a show

1 “Hey, all our lives suck.” — Roseanne

2 “Here's why you can't trust your kids 'cause they're stupid. That's why we don't give 'em cars or booze.” — Roseanne

3 “Etsy is like a yard sale except online because nobody can afford a yard anymore.” — Darlene

4 “All of your relatives died from alcoholism. The ones that didn't drink were killed by the ones who did.” — Roseanne

5 “Did all of your children's deliveries go according to your birth plan?” “Um, they found their way out, if that's what you mean.” — Andrea & Roseanne

6 “You gotta pick your fights in life.” — Roseanne

7 “Okay, he doesn't have to wear pants, but he's gotta wear underwear.” — Dan

8 “It is not my fault that I just happen to be a charismatic person who's always right about everything.” — Roseanne

9 “Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?” — Darlene

10 [Person B is embarrassed after walking in on Person C nursing her baby] “Oh, now, NAME. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.” “NAME’s my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?” — Roseanne & Dan

11 “The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.” — Roseanne

12 [stoned and laying the bathtub] “Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?” — Jackie

13 “In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.” — Roseanne

14 “What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?” — Roseanne

15 “Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?” — Dan

16 “You are really, really gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!” — Dan

17 “Well, you think you can stop me from seeing NAME, huh?” “I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.” — Mark & Dan

18 “You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!” — Mark Healey

19 “My marriage is not based on me listening!” — Roseanne

20 “Why don't you just kiss my butt?” “Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!” — Becky & Darlene

21 “You are just evil!” — Jackie

22 “Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, NAME, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.” “Just figure that out?” — Jackie & Roseanne

23 “I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him/her?” “Well, it started out that way.” — Roseanne & Dan

24 “Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.” — Dan

25 “Hell, even I don't hate her that much.” — Dan

26 “Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.” “Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.” — Becky & Roseanne

27 “Please, NAME, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone ... Please.” — Darlene

28 “Don’t toy with me, NAME.” — Roseanne

29 “We, have had a fight, and we're not speaking to each other.” “Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.” — Roseanne & Jackie

30 “He/She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.” “Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?” “Nothing.” “That's what you did last weekend!” “Yeah, well I'm not finished.” — Darlene & Roseanne

31 “No, NAME always was the bad influence.” — Roseanne

32 “Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.” — Roseanne

33 “Yeah, but you know what they say, NAME. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.” — Roseanne

34 “You're acting like a crazed psychopath.” [snorts] “Well the voices in my head disagree.” — Dan & Roseanne

35 [on getting married] “I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.” “No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing you ever did, but we're talking about me now!” — Dan & Roseanne

36 [Person A and Person B bury the hatchet] “So, I guess we've finally approached the end of Bitch-Fest YEAR.” “Oh what a time we had!” — Roseanne & Darlene

37 “You can't tell NAME what to do. She's a big girl!” [snarls] “Compared to who?” — David & Roseanne

38 “What kind of list is he/she making? Not that it's any of my business.” “A hit list.” — Beverly & Dan

39 [feeling for pulse] “I think he’s/she's dead.” [steps back] “Check again.” “I know how to count to zero.” — Roseanne & Dan

40 “What was the second thing you noticed about me?” — Roseanne

41 “Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, NAME; there were plenty of guys/girls standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.” — Dan

42 “You are rotten rotten kids, and I can't even believe I'm related to you two!” — Jackie Harris

43 “You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.” — Roseanne

44 “I'm your husband/wife. That's my right.” — Dan

45 [finds present] “You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.” “Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.” [pulls something ugly from the box] “Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.” — Jackie & Roseanne

46 “Oh, this is going to be soooo great!” — Darlene

47 “What's the catch?” “No catch, can't we do something nice?” “I don't know, you never have.” — Roseanne & Becky

48 “Oh my God. You're kidding me!” — Roseanne

49 “Save your breath, NAME, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.” “Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.” — Fred & Roseanne

50 “I'm way more powerful than any law!” — Roseanne

51 “Well NAME, I guess you're just not the man/woman I thought you were ... and I wasn't too happy with that one!” — Roseanne

52 “We should've known, NAME, men stick together no matter how butt headed their argument is.” — Becky

53 [about Person b and person c’s sex life] “You're kidding? You guys have a night?” “Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.” You have a time too?” “Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.” “Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.” — Jackie & Roseanne

54 “Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he’s/she's out ... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.” — Jackie

55 “What's the matter with you, boy/girl? Can't keep your pants on?” — Dan

56 “Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!” “We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!” — Dan & Roseanne

57 “Have you met NAME?” — Roseanne

58 “Gee, I'd love to NAME, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.” — Darlene

59 “Remember one thing, NAME, I'm your worst nightmare!” — Jackie

60 “You always say how you want better things for us.” “Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.” — Becky & Roseanne

61 “You are a controlling bitch!” — Dan

62 “Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -“ “What? Say it.” “Nothin'.” “Well that makes two of us.“ — Dan & Roseanne

63 “Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.” “Yeah, an ass ... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from PLACE!” — Ronnie & Roseanne

64 “I can't believe that I wasted TIME hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a bitch!” [gasps] “I'm a bitch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all bitches.” — Roseanne & Ronnie

65 “Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember ... I can tell when you're lying.” “It was an accident ... could you tell?” — Roseanne & DJ

66 “I could go for something to eat.” “Yeah? Well, then go.” [motions toward the door] — Arnie & Roseanne

67 “You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral ... oh my God ...” “We know too much, we know too much.” — Dan & Fred

68 “NAME, where'd you get those jelly beans?” “From the bin at store.” “NAME, I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's stealing!” — Roseanne & DJ

69 “I never thought I would say this ... I'm too depressed to drink.” — Dan

70 “Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to NAME’s mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is majorly mad.” — Roseanne

71 “NAME, NAME, NAME. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.” — Roseanne

72 “This is for the pain.” “Owwww. Make it a double.” — Nurse & Jackie

73 “I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.” “Well actually, ever since he/she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.” — Gary & Jackie

74 “I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like NAME does for you.” “Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into NAME? You think he/she came out of a box like that!” — Jackie & Roseanne

75 “What do you think your punishment oughta be?” “What do you mean?” “NAME told me everything.” “That little rat.” “But I told him/her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story.” “Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh --“ “You're getting good.” — Roseanne & Becky

76 “I worked it out with NAME, he’s/she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out.” “Why would he/she do that?” “I have dirt on him/her. “ “What kind of dirt?” “Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home.” [person a leaves] — Darlene & Roseanne

77 [Person A is acting like a hunchback] “I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?” “Just put it anywhere Igor.” “Maybe later you and me.” “We'll see.” You're so kind.” [ kisses hand] — Dan & Roseanne

78 [about child’s behavior] “NAME you did stuff like that when you were NAME’s age right?” “No, the boy's odd.” — Roseanne & Dan

79 [offering to the family] “Hey, I got one more pancake.” “I want French toast!” “Well, you better move to Europe.” — Roseanne & DJ

80 [Person A, angry, grabs keys and leaves the house] “Oh God. This is really bad.” “Yeah, I know.” “Oh no. I mean, this is really bad. I'm parked behind him/her.” — Jackie & Dan

81 “Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put him/her through that again, are we?” — Dan

82 [comes in through the front door] “NAME, you all ready to go?” [whining] “I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.” — Jackie & Roseanne

83 “You HAVE to take this job ... you're the only one that applied!” — Marsha

84 [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind PERSON B] “Remember me, NAME?” [look of terror] “Not Mrs. Butterworth ... please not Mrs. Butterworth.” “Remember how your brother/sister NAME told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!” [PERSON B screams] — Roseanne & Jackie

85 “I hope I see you later, I mean, a lot later.” — Roseanne

86 [after the birth] “I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?” “No more than usual.” — Roseanne & Dan

87 [about kid dressed as a lawyer] “That's the scariest costume all night.” — Roseanne

88 [going through the candy bowl] “This is all sugar in here.” “Not true, there're chemicals too.” — David & Roseanne

89 “You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.” [gets fruit from the kitchen] “What the hell is that?” “Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.” “That's unsanitary.” — David, Roseanne & Dan

90 “Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?” “No, NAME wore pajamas.” — Jackie & Roseanne

91 [discussing Person C] “She's rude and selfish.” “I know, but, inside she's just a ... scared little girl.” Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging bitch on the outside.” — Dan & Roseanne

92 “I'll be back later to give you your present.” “Why can't I just open it now?” “I haven't bought it yet.” — Jackie & Roseanne

93 “And don't you ever feed my dog!” “If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!” — Roseanne

94 “I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.” — Beverly

95 “Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.” “I am ...” “Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.” “I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?” “Yes you do, NAME, because that's the most important word.” “I'm not taking any crap from anyone.” “That was good but are you serving tea, NAME? Get mad and say it.” [louder] “I'm not taking any crap from anyone!” “Good, now personalize it, make it your own.” [louder] “I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!” — Roseanne & Doris

96 “Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?” — Roseanne

97 “Why are you gettin' so mad at me?” “Because you are making me defend NAME.” — Becky & Roseanne

98 “I am not sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.” — David

99 “Get me a beer.” “Get it yourself, slob!” — Mark & Darlene

100 “I can't believe you're jealous over this.” “Why not? It's very typical of me.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Amelia

Jac: So, you got your room 🙌 What other wins did freshers bring you? 😄 Amelia: Yeah, thank god Amelia: it's been full on enough without adding travel sickness Jac: Never going to fly when class starts either Jac: it's just slightly more inventive than coming down with the 'flu' every Monday morning, but not enough Amelia: bit intense to start crashing on my new friends floors too, I don't want to be THAT gay Jac: 😂 Jac: I doubt they'd mind Jac: but having a base that isn't totally covered in crochet decor is a plus Amelia: now that freshers is over and they're going to 🤞 they never see those hook ups again maybe Amelia: still, not the first impression I'm trying to make Jac: Oh God, tell me about it Jac: I am not trying to have people I've got to avoid for the next 7 odd years Jac: not trying to make it like home like that Amelia: very relatable Amelia: even though I have no need to count that high Jac: Is your course 3? or 4? Amelia: depends if I want to go to Canada, Denmark, Italy, Poland, Sweden, USA or the UK for a year Jac: Oh wow Jac: 🦪 Amelia: that emoji is the gayest Amelia: so yeah probably Jac: Very O'Keefe of you Jac: can't give up the 🎨 quite yet? Amelia: 😂 Jac: I've met THE perfect girl for you, oh my GOD Amelia: because I'm going to travel to Edinburgh for 🦪 after dodging a 3 hour commute Jac: She's American, you could convince her Cork has a lot to offer beside 🦪 Jac: but actually, she is UNBEARABLE, and I'm trying very hard to be nice and give everyone a chance rn Jac: she does Art History, despite the fact she seems to know less about art than I do Jac: doesn't stop her 🔊 Amelia: 💔 you put your mean girl years behind you too soon, I'm SO proud though Amelia: and I'm sure Savannah appreciates it just as much Jac: 😏 I can feel the sincerity Jac: I know though, talk about completely crazy Amelia: if you want sincerity I can totally believe she'd follow you there as if nothing happened Amelia: are you okay? Jac: I think the prestige probably beat the off-chance I'd also be there but I appreciate the belief Jac: Yeah, actually, I am Jac: it went well, better than I could've or would've imagined before Amelia: alright, that's a relief Amelia: not that it's been playing on my mind or anything since the ✨ livened up my feed Jac: I would've got in touch sooner Jac: It did cross my mind, that you'd see Jac: I also didn't wanna encroach on your freshers' experience at all, that idea won out Jac: It must've been a shock for you and all Amelia: I get it, because likewise obviously Amelia: plus you seemed like you were coping, and it's not the same as before, you have people to go to now if you aren't so Amelia: I don't know, it seemed too dramatic to come at you all !!!!!! Amelia: which is why I didn't Jac: I wouldn't have bitten your head off Jac: but I see and appreciate that logic Jac: not to mention previous experience would say I actually would so Jac: She's changed a lot too, in those 2 years Amelia: good Jac: Yeah, turns out she had a pretty rough time of it too Jac: which, obviously, but I wasn't really in a space to think too much about that back then Amelia: was likely to be more 🥀 than 🌹 living with her dad, and everything that happened with her mum Amelia: I'm not surprised even if I couldn't be very sympathetic then Jac: I can't believe I was zoned out Jac: I didn't even know about her mum Amelia: you had loads of your own shit going on, it'd be more unbelievable if you were tuned into hers Amelia: I didn't know how bad it was, or didn't want to hear it, whichever Jac: Jess made it sound like the world and his wife knew Jac: I feel awful Jac: but her mum is doing better now, and they're trying to mend their relationship, so, that's positive Amelia: it always feels like that in my 🏠 but I would've told you if I'd realised Jac: It isn't your fault remotely Jac: like you said, sympathy about it wasn't at the forefront of your mind Jac: and you can't be blamed there Amelia: I'm genuinely glad things are getting better, the last thing she needs is to feel like shit for leaving her mum again if they aren't Jac: I know you are, you aren't a monster Jac: even if you and Savannah had your differences, and the obvious situation from there 'til now Amelia: that's enough sincerity though, the last thing I need is Savannah Moore trying to be my friend again Amelia: you can keep her Jac: 😂 Alright Jac: about that though Jac: things have changed, between us too Amelia: okay Amelia: what does that mean? Jac: Well, I told her, this time Jac: that I'm not straight Jac: and neither is she Amelia: she really has fucking changed Jac: She hasn't also come out, there's no label on it or anything Jac: but she likes me back Jac: you deserve to know, and would, regardless of where we were in our relationship Jac: I'm sorry if it's not what you want to hear though Amelia: thanks, I guess Amelia: for not waiting for the 💍 announcement Jac: Things haven't moved quite that fast Jac: although, yeah Jac: I know Amelia: It's still Savannah, I doubt she's had a TOTAL personality transplant Amelia: you probably wouldn't like her if she had Amelia: so I'll keep an eye out for that post and put my congrats on it Jac: No, she's still her Jac: and I doubt her plans include a 💍 that could be bought on a student budget Amelia: true Amelia: I'll send some 💐 she'd NEVER put in the 🗑 Amelia: just the 💌 I'll actually bother to write, you know, like a normal person Jac: There goes the mystery Amelia: because of course you wouldn't recognise my handwriting Jac: I've checked your homework over enough times Jac: I doubt anyone else is rushing to send us a bouquet so Jac: process of elimination Amelia: there you go then Jac: but I have told my brother and that Jac: on the off-chance you catch him and he's dying not to bring it up Amelia: bit rude of him not to try and gently break the news Jac: Assumedly either thinking I've imagined the whole thing all over, or it'll all fizzle out before there's any need to go there Amelia: or I'm thriving so hard there's no need to bring me down 1 week in Jac: Obviously that too Jac: but you know that wasn't my intention, yeah Amelia: it's obvious you're not thinking about me, don't worry Jac: Okay Jac: do you want me to leave you now? Amelia: Why would I want that? Jac: Plenty of valid reasons Jac: to process, to not, you just don't feel like talking to me at this precise moment Amelia: what's to process? the bit about her not queerbaiting you the entire time is new, the rest isn't Jac: That's not nothing Jac: it changes the whole thing Amelia: not for me Jac: Alright then Amelia: you were hung up on her every second, what's changed for you is that was a least a bit mutual Amelia: I don't need to process any of that, it doesn't involve me Jac: It's still new information, that's all Amelia: not really Amelia: I probably should have guessed anyway Jac: If I didn't, I don't see how you could've Jac: she didn't even then so Amelia: too late to become a 🔮💎💫 gay, I hear you Jac: 🕵 is definitely a better idea Amelia: maybe I'd just really love to be able to say 'it's just a phase, mum' about something Jac: You've had plenty Amelia: name one Jac: [that boy band I said they liked lol] Jac: for starters Amelia: that wasn't a phase that was me lying that I cared Jac: yeah, okay Jac: you knew all the lyrics 'cos you cover was so deep Jac: no need to lie, they had some tunes Amelia: I knew all the lyrics because there was about 5 lines repeated over and over Jac: uh-huh Jac: you had badges all over your school bag Amelia: because you've never fully committed to a lie, oh wait Jac: There's no need to be a bitch Amelia: 😂 Jac: No, I'm not super ready to laugh about that time in my life, as it goes Amelia: okay Jac: I'm going to leave you to it now Jac: Good luck with your first proper day, hope it all goes well Amelia: actually wait though Amelia: I didn't mean that Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: Alright Jac: I know you're upset, or pissed off Jac: but being a better person doesn't extend to being a punching bag for you to get that out Jac: you can feel it, obviously, but that's just unproductive for you, and not gonna happen from my end Amelia: I know Jac: and I know that's what I did to you Jac: so it probably seems fair, or justified at least, that you get to now Jac: but it wasn't right, and an eye for an eye, you know Amelia: no, it's not fair, I wasn't being, that's why I'm sorry Jac: You don't need to stoop to my lowest Amelia: I'm trying, okay Jac: Yeah Jac: and I accept your apology Amelia: thanks Jac: should I not have told you? Amelia: I think that'd be worse Jac: I thought the same Jac: unless you were going to block me on the sly, then you would have seen Amelia: maybe I should now, I don't know Jac: If you want to Jac: to take some time Jac: or more permanently Jac: it's up to you Jac: obviously my offer of being friends still stands but I understand Jac: as I said, this changes things Amelia: yeah, if we let it Jac: You can't help how this makes you feel Amelia: but why should I let her take everything again? Jac: Savannah isn't actively doing that Jac: but if you want to keep trying, so do I Amelia: we worked hard at getting here, me and you, that's not about her Jac: True Jac: You don't have to be friends with her now, that's not it Jac: just accept that she's my girlfriend, and a big part of my life Amelia: does she know? Jac: About what happened between us? Jac: No Jac: she doesn't know a huge amount about those two years, for me Jac: I plan to tell her everything Jac: but it's a lot to throw at her in a sitting, especially unasked, you know Amelia: it'd really fuck with her freshers, for sure Jac: Right Jac: all for having the hard but necessary conversations Jac: but there's a time and a place Jac: I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to make her feel bad for me, either Jac: like 'look what YOU did' because nah Amelia: too 🥀🥀🥀 Amelia: it can wait, neither of you are going anywhere Jac: That's my logic Amelia: she'll get why you waited Jac: I hope so Amelia: come on, it'll be harder for you to say than it'll be for her to hear, she's a LOT of things, but she won't want you to go through that before you're ready to Jac: You're right Jac: it just feels like secrets, and that feels like 10 steps back Jac: but it isn't that Amelia: I'm sure even she hasn't had time to tell you everything, she'd need to be chatting non stop Jac: True Jac: if you're ever done talking about yourself and your life, that's gotta be a sign you need to get out more, right Jac: there's always more to say Amelia: right Amelia: stop being so virgo-ish about it and give yourself a break Jac: 😂 okay Jac: I just need lectures to actually start Jac: so I can freak out on that instead Amelia: same Jac: are you more 😁 or 😱 Amelia: 😕 Amelia: over 😣 Jac: You'll be fine Jac: let me know how it goes though Jac: I'm interested Amelia: okay 🤓 Jac: Well there's a lot of overlap Jac: obviously, you can usually do them as a double discipline but I wanted to go pure Psych Jac: doesn't mean I'm not 🤔 Amelia: yeah Jac: 🤏🤓 fine Amelia: we're not strangers Jac: I remember Jac: so, what are your new mates like then? Amelia: great, obviously Jac: It's a good thing you aren't taking English Jac: that description leaves a lot to be desired Amelia: what do you want me to say? Jac: Isn't there anyone in particular? Amelia: there's a whole course full of people Jac: Yeah, I like one of my profs, he's really cool Jac: but I don't know anyone on my course that well yet either, they all seem nice enough though Amelia: of course you do Jac: it's so refreshing in comparison to the teachers at our school Jac: even if he acted like a base level human, it'd be a step up Jac: but he knows his stuff, and he's down to help me get ahead, what more could I want Amelia: literally nothing Jac: But I'm still not into dudes so I won't commit that cliche, don't worry Amelia: a real weight off my mind Jac: sure Amelia: 😏 Jac: I've already done loads of prep Jac: can basically chill in his class this whole term Amelia: you can but you won't Amelia: 🤓🏆⭐ Jac: we're not strangers Amelia: maybe we are 🤏 because reading's the only prep we were given but I've already done it Jac: Not really Jac: you just pretended you weren't 🤓 Amelia: no, I just actually wasn't 🤓 about school Jac: plenty of other things Jac: you can't hide the 🤓 Amelia: it's not 😳 I literally can Jac: not from me Amelia: that'd be 10 steps back Jac: try 10000 Amelia: no thank you, that sounds exhausting Jac: you've got a 🛏 Amelia: yeah, I don't know who's more thrilled, me or my dad Amelia: getting to pretend he's allergic to pets for another year at least Jac: result Jac: won't have to fake seduce him on your behalf either Jac: I'm most thrilled Amelia: Savannah is Amelia: undoubtedly Jac: Yeah, that ain't something I ever want to explain 😂 Amelia: she'd be less understanding about it Jac: None of us are understanding that Jac: sorry to your father Amelia: 😂 Jac: I think your mum would snap Jac: go full psycho Amelia: probably Amelia: they're very 😍🥰😘 right now Jac: that's nice Jac: bit gross but good Jac: she won't call you every 10 minutes Amelia: she can try but I won't answer Amelia: the friend I like best will be here soon Jac: Sounds promising Jac: I'll leave you to it for now, for real Jac: you better get ready Amelia: you're so Amelia: you Jac: what does that mean? Amelia: I don't need 👗👠💄 Jac: what's that, a humblebrag? Amelia: hardly Amelia: it's a compliment for you, you're cute for caring Jac: It's not cute, I just like to look nice Amelia: oh so you don't think I look nice? Amelia: rude Jac: everyone looks better for effort Jac: that's simple facts Amelia: anyway, I meant it's cute you care about my social life this much Jac: because I really need you being a loner to worry about Jac: no tah Jac: obviously I'm happy for you Amelia: you don't need to worry about me whatever happens Jac: It's not optional Amelia: okay Jac: I never stopped Amelia: you can stop now Jac: That's just what being friends is Amelia: I'm no expert Amelia: have to take your word for it, if anything Jac: I know you care about me too Amelia: but you're thriving so I don't have to worry Jac: I guess Jac: it's not just for the bad times though, is it Amelia: I hope not Jac: it's not Jac: come on Jac: pull yourself together and at least do 1 out of 3 👗👠💄 Amelia: fine, I'll put shoes on Jac: that's what I like to hear Amelia: 🙄 just because I'm ignoring my mum there's no need for you to take over from her Jac: I still can't do any handicrafts so unlikely Amelia: Savannah is unlikely to wear a homemade 🧣 so I think you're fine Jac: she loves anything thoughtful but I ain't gonna start there still Amelia: 💐 Jac: Naturally Jac: both our rooms look like a florist already Jac: makes up for the shabby walls and carpet you can't do much about Amelia: any time you'd like to fully lean into the 👵 I'll do you an embroidery hoop or something Amelia: very chic Jac: they do sell a lot of that sort of thing in the charity shops Jac: I'm sure your 🎨 will be better than whatever the actual 👵 decided to do 🖼 Amelia: SUCH a compliment, I have no idea how I'm not 😳 Jac: Charity shops are in Jac: I'm not going to call it thrifting, I'm not even half-American, wouldn't be able to take myself seriously Amelia: good, please don't Jac: vintage, upcycling, all acceptable Amelia: for my mother Amelia: I'll take how 'modern' my room here is Jac: I suppose that does make a change Jac: I love the buildings though, the architecture Amelia: 🎨 Amelia: yeah, would be inspiring if I had any time Jac: Is Cork by the coast? Jac: I know nothing about that area Jac: I'm like NEXT to the beach, it's incredible Amelia: it's one of the largest natural harbours in the world, if that doesn't make you want to come and visit me, well ?? Amelia: it has it's own lovely architecture Jac: You should work for the tourism board, honestly Jac: good speech, that Amelia: 🤷🏻 Amelia: I'm here for the 🤓 and you're already interested in that Jac: I'd go to Italy, if I were you Jac: but then, Denmark might have the most interesting criminal practices and laws, so that's a good choice too Amelia: you'll visit me there then, yeah? Jac: I forgot about Sweden, but those three are the real ones to consider Jac: and we can sort visiting when we're even a bit settled Amelia: okay Jac: we've only just left Amelia: thanks for that obvious reminder Jac: 😏 Jac: you know what I mean Jac: give me a chance to get my diary in order before you're saying I'm avoiding you or whatever Amelia: give you a chance to miss me, you mean Amelia: you've got one right now, because I have to go get ready Jac: Oh, if we had to wait for that, you'd never see me again 😉 Jac: have fun 👠👠 Amelia: 💔 Amelia: bye

[huadie]

anchor liveblog post.

the curse of prophecy: all of my high tier kins channel tmg.

" somebody’s gonna get hurt / i hope it’s not me / but i suspect it’s going to have to be.

---

episodes 1-3: the general doesn't deserve the sympathy he gets. i'm not excusing a woman who killed happy girls on their wedding days, but i do think he owed her that closure. sending his son just pits the burden onto someone who wasn't involved. he should look his failures and mistakes in the eyes. if you can't count on a god to do that, who can you expect it of? it's disgusting. / i feel so tired and sorry for the girl who died saving a man who hated her and hurt her friend. i don't think kind people should be on the hook for ignorance and spite so willingly. her life for his was an unfair trade. / He's Cute. and wildly unexpectedly gentle considering the whole "demon" thing. / b tells me i'll have kin ptsd about the face disorder, but right now it's just heartbreaking. nobody deserves to live with that kind of fear. nobody deserves to live with that kind of pain. / b also implies someone in heaven is doing it to them for fun and i just want to say right now that i'm going to pull his dick off thru his mouth. that's a tier of evil that should have your blood start boiling inside you in an attempt to disinfect it. that was a child. that was just a scared little boy. not a prop or a toy or a plot device. a child. / i like the baby generals. they are so nineteen but it's nice to see it. i know anime leans on comedy skits a lot, but they can carry it off. they're charming. / heaven looks a bit shit. all of that meditation and betterment and it just makes you a spineless politician with the power to airbend? christ on a bike.

---

episode 4-5: initial reactions. watching him swing between fuck-me eyes and genuine emotional distress at no signal i can see is a lot. he's a good painter. i think i get the gist of where he's coming from but it feels insane to me. the twitch duels were cute. he clearly cares a lot more than he enjoys devilry so it's insane to me that he's that strong. general jr destroys me. imagine being so pompous and negligent you'd give your child your name. has he ever been allowed to be his own person? meow meow etc. the face disease is horrific. he was just a kid. he was so scared and in pain. i like the temple. i like that it's raggedy and messy. maybe it should be over-repaired, so people in need can take from it? it's definitely not very reverant, but. gods should serve their people. quotes all of small gods here etc. they should want to serve their people. they should be happy to see their temples valued below human life. it would be nice to live in a ghibli film forever, and read books and cook warm food and paint.

episodes ???. thoughts said out loud. gods own their people. thousands, one, here and now you are alive. gods are owned by their people. it's a cage. it's the most beautiful cage possible. to feed starving people from your hands. the bread and the fishes cut out of you. to give and give and give, to be asked for things you have never had and give them next. each prayer should strip you to the bone. can you imagine? to be so trusted, so cared for, so beloved, so followed, to have so much given to you freely and happily. a live lived to save others is the only beautiful thing. the only beautiful thing! a god should be owned by each of their believers individually. selfishly and shallowly and demandingly. like a child needs you. the power to put a fish back in the water is a blessing so heavy thinking about being created for it should make you wail. to be - for people, for the birds and the trees and the fish too, but for the people. it should break your heart. you should never let it become monotone. sunlight into wine.

on love: i trust b. i trust b. to love him here like this and love him in this skin and then find him again in a book and on a screen and fall in love with him there too, to watch myself fall in love with him too. nobody has ever earned what he freely gives. i want to give it back. oxygen to dioxide, i want to find all the places he stands and pour it back into him. i want to show him how beautiful he is. to love someone like that is a miracle and i want to pull it apart. i want to make him familiar with me and bored of me, i want him to wake up each morning taking me for granted, i want him to be so safe and secure in his place in my heart that it stops being a gift. that it wears down and falls apart. the velveteen rabbit. i want to hold him in my hands like a bubble that hasn't popped and i want to use him like the doorway to a world where even if i had to hurt and be hurt and fall and learn to grow, i can come home at the end of it. my growth can mean something, my stronger back can bear more weight, my lessons can be shared. i want it to mean something. i want to have faith in myself again. in the resurrected kingdom of his arms i can find it - build it. i can come home. it can have turned to gold while i did not see it. it can have worth, i can have worth, i can bend and not break. i can have a claim on things without losing them, without it cursing them. just him. i'm not greedy, i'm not selfish, so please - just him.

episode 6: there's something that hurts about letting other people see what you'll tolerate. what you'll do. the places in your life where you have pathetic history and where you are attempting to be someone who only existed today grinding against one another. i know he knows. i know it isn't a stolen moment, a chance to decide how i exist to someone before they decide it for me. i sleep beneath that painting and whenever i wake up in the night i feel him pretend that he is asleep. i know. i know. but it could have - it could have been. it could have been a lie that i got to play with. a tiny self indulgence. aren't you tired of stars? aren't you tired of being the tree that cannot bend in a storm? of holding yourself down? everyone else does it so easily. everyone else lets go. everyone else knows how. if i can't learn then i want to pretend. i want to be unwanted, and - and meet people. by chance, just chance, and like them and have them like me. no promises i made before i learned i couldn't keep them. just... something smaller. i talked about multiverse theory. how it isn't in the coin flip, but the atoms of the coin. how in one dot you can know everything. every grain of sand in a desert. i cannot survive existing with people thinking of me. not well and not poorly. i want to disappear into it. maybe nobody else is obligated to finish the work. maybe their contributions are a blessing. but i can't... learn how to let it go. it's all i have left in me that i recognize, somedays, as it gathers dust and makes me sick to breathe around. what am i if i am not that? i want to know. i'm scared to know. i will never be allowed to find out.

on being loved: god. it is too much. i don't hate it. it doesn't disgust me. but i feel like a plate being washed in every inch of the sea before i am allowed to see dry land again. i feel like i won't survive it if i look at it because it is a mosque decorated in mirrors, because it is mathematically perfect, because it holds the tiny miracles of angles and existence and light on par with the miracles of human heart and existence, because to make at all is to change the world for the first time, because i do not want to see what it reflects. i do not want to see it. i would be better if it lied to itself, if it was delusional and selfish and obsessed with smoke tricks. if it saw silk and paint and stopped looking. i don't want to know what i look like with my hair down, with my face clean, with my feet dirty, with my hands raw - i don't want to see what it sees to know that it loves there too. i don't want to follow it. i don't know how to make it stop. how could i - how could anyone be held accountable for this? to this? to prayers and plans and a kindness that changes the world in every grain of sand it has and again the next second, how could anything be worth this? and if it could - it couldn't be me. not a collection of stupid wishes and failures and betrayals-by-failure. not me with my hair down. silk could be worth this.

on being loved now that it isn't the middle of the night, and my body isn't betraying us both, and i can remember that there are an infinite number of steps between 0 and 1: but really, it's just ink. just paper. if it's - if he. if it's everything. if it's everything. then it can be one thing. it can be this thing. it can be the blindness. it can be me with my own hands over my own eyes like a shutterbox pretending i don't know how to see myself and admit that the pea beneath my mattress only hurts me - that it's small, to him, that it isn't sharp, that it's a phantom limb i can't stop being tormented by and only ever that. can that be enough to start? can i let it? it's atoms again. grains of sand. if he can love this, he can love everything. if i can see this, the rest falls away. there are more universes where we are kissing than every atom from the start to the end of time. that's how it works. i'm going in circles. you don't mind, do you? i'm writing this for you. you're the only person reading this. i don't know why i'm being impersonal about you when i'm being possessive about me. it won't protect me. it won't make it less terrifying to think of, and it won't make it less painful for you to read. i know you're already mad at yourself for being too much. for making me think that it's too much. you're kind to me like that, even when things are my fault. but if we can sit here together, and i can know that you know i can't imagine being loved, and that that - that moment, that dot, me unable to count to the place where numbers end - is something you love too. if i can just see this one moment, and not doubt it or question it or be afraid of it. it can be enough. because you know how hard i'm working to get to even this first step. you know how hard i'm working. you know how scared i am. you know it isn't you. you'll wait for me, with me, and you won't hate me for it. you promised.

on being forgiven: i don't know how to do it for myself. i don't know how to blame people for what they do to me unless it's the most extreme circumstance. i forgive too much that shouldn't be and hold ignorance and spite against others long past when it's fair. i handwave any scar someone gave me while they were suffering and never let go of what they do to others. i don't know what makes it different when it's me. i guess i know how to forgive myself for being scared and lost and for making bad decisions under the influence of... whatever... but not lazy cruelty. not letting something bad happen because i felt like it. all i do now is watch. all i do is let things slide past me again and again and again and do nothing to help and it can't matter that my heart breaks about it when theirs don't if none of us get up, and i remind myself that small steps do more than a single leap that uses me up but it's so hard to believe that here and now in the world where i could die if i tried again and harder still to comprehend in a world where 800 years of lives were made and suffered through and lost and i did nothing that matters to help. maybe all of the horrible backstory parts you're so scared of me seeing will be ones where i could do something, where i could climb up and let everyone take a raw bite out of me and go without starving for just one day, and then this won't cut me up inside like i swallowed a hedgehog. some days i am the hedgehog. trapped inside me, unable to stop being something that cuts to have there, unable to get away. i don't know how you can forgive me. i don't even know if you know what i need forgiving for. if i apologize for saving your life - for coming back to you again and again and again and being so selfish and. i don't know. for being me, while you try to love me, instead of being the person i can't forgive myself for not being, who deserves to be loved by you like this. but you'll forgive me. how do you do it? how do you stand it? i'm jealous of you. of how easy your heart warms up. of how kind you are.

kosmi 1-6 rewatch: i dislike pei su less now that i can see him as a person with a horrific job and less as a vehicle for the lies i know pei ming told about every woman he ever used and threw away. "i burned the scroll and won the war on my own" yeah right. gotta get that out first before i start collecting my thoughts. um.

one: the ascention, the earthquakes, (all that fuss for a scrap god. you told me the order it went in, when i asked, and i still think it's funny in a way that validates what i've been saying for something only the most in-need ask for help with to rattle the bells from warlord's palaces. they aren't ignorable. more than - more than anything else, anything before, i can be proud of this. i can be proud of myself for this.) i hate the way people look at you like you're infected with something because they can't play pretend that their inaction isn't malice any more. the bets and jokes and sneers. what have you done, lately? what help have you given? what good are you? and then there's me: starting as ever in unfixable debt, anchoring desperately to simple kindnesses, too tired to do more than smile. it's not worth it. it's never worth it. (being loved and losing it is worse than never knowing. being able to love yourself and losing it is worse than that.) the way that heaven sits unfixable and unchanging and incompetent. i'm proud of them for making something of their futures. i am. i don't begrudge them anything. i trust their character and i trust them to try to do the right thing for the people. i'm glad they didn't fight hua cheng. the kids are sweet. they're little carbon copies of their generals. it's sweet. it's kind. i like how... okay, they're mean and short tempered and fight like cats in a bag, but it's just the way you are at that age. it's not personal. it's easier to stand. i know there's gender coding tm in the novel, but i hate man-in-a-dress gags that point out that the man looks bad in a dress. i thought it was fine.

one point five: ok. i'll talk about it. the butterflies on the dress, the gentle music, the way our colours matched, the way your hand felt in mine. the sound of rain. i didn't know people could be so gentle. i didn't know they knew how. i think it was better for my health, before, when i assumed the best i ever saw was the best people were capable of. worse for me, though, to believe that. i'd forgotten what it was like to see myself in someone else's eyes as welcome.

zero point five: flashback sequence goes here. of course i remember what it was like to be loved, and work towards a clear goal that helped people. of course i remember what it was like to have a home that loved me back. he looked so scared as he fell. he looked terrified. i don't... i'm not good. at hating people. when i know everyone is driven to where they arrive in some degree or other. but that - whatever the reason they think they had, it isn't enough. it couldn't ever be enough. i hate seeing the human face disease. i hate how scared they are. how obviously in pain they are. i know they can't have survived. but i wish they could. i would give anything if they could. i would give anything up for it. have i talked about responsibility enough that this isn't a surprise yet? nobody should be that scared. nobody should suffer who hasn't chosen it to protect others. nobody should have to choose it, either, but if heaven has already failed you -

two: i hate that bald man. i hate watching that poor freckled girl throw herself on him again and again to save him just because he's human, while he takes every turn to re-learn hate and jealousy and hurt others. when he talks to his friends he almost humanizes himself, and i hope the time he spends as a crab fixes the rest. i truly do. but god i hate to see it. i hate being unable to do anything, because she chose it, because she knows him more than me, because her heart is kind enough to reach out to him even as it betrays and abandons the people in-need who can only go to her for help. you have to triage need. a life lived with the intent to harm others cannot come before a life lived with the intent to help, or to simply survive. anyway. the concern i get shown whenever i talk about the butterfly ghost is so charming.

three: i hate pei ming. his story is shallow and self-praising, his jilted lover competent and proud before he cured her of that with a kiss. i don't believe she broke her legs. i don't believe he passed over the chance to shortcut his way into glory. am i supposed to believe women just act like that? they just break their own knees for attention? she destroyed herself for him and he can't even pretend to care. not even at the end. not even to lie, and let her move on. so, what? thirteen girls die terrified and alone on the happiest day of their lives (- and we know it was happy for them, we know they went smiling up the path, we know they were excited) because he didn't have the stamnia to apologise to one person he hurt? i hate him. i hate his name, i hate his family, i hate his legacy of butchers, i hate his cowardice in sending pei su to grind out his cover story and then hide his mistakes where he doesn't have to look. i hate him. / i feel. so bad for that boy. he was so scared. do you know how scared you have to be to take scissors to yourself? i do. i have, literally, in the last year, actually. and that was... one cut. to avoid the risk of infection. sleeping on a wound that screams at you? he was a child. he was just a child. i let him down. there's no excuse. he needed reassurance. he needed protecting. i let him down.

four: i like that shrine. i like making it, owning it, doing something meaningful. i think a shrine for scrap should be made of more materials than it needs. i think it should be a place to sleep, always, and a place to eat, and you should be able to strip the roof if you need to. i don't care about what is proper, or respectful. respect the god of scavenger birds by surviving at any cost. by using what is useful. by taking what is free. i can build it again. if i know - if i can believe one good thing about myself, it's that i can build it again. as many times as it takes. i won't wear out. i won't give up. i can build it again. and how lucky, this time, to have help. there are so many things i can't do, even now. i need to learn. i never even thought about it until i saw that door. too long alone in my own head. too many years spent without it feeling worth the effort when a band-aid would hold.

four point five: again, ok, fine. i'll talk about it. you're beautiful. your eyes are like starlight, your smile is the warmest thing i've ever seen, your hands should be buried in an instrument, your painting is beautiful, your laugh is endearing - what do you want from me, here? of course i was looking. it's different to look now with your hand in mine than it was, then, to look just to look. to count threads just to count. to run my fingers through your hair and across your palm just to touch something. of course i knew. who wouldn't know you? who couldn't tell? but then, what was i going to do? know it? say it? ask things? better to be stupid, and naive, and find out what knife is waiting for me when it happens. i'm tired of speeding through the sweet moments to get to the next blade. i'm tired of being pushed from place to place. i'm tired of being alone. wasn't it fun? didn't we have fun? didn't you like talking together and cooking together and waking up in the morning in an empty shrine with the promise of another day to fill it? do i have to scream and shout and be suspicious and accuse you of - what! of holding my hand? of helping me? of being the exact same as everyone in heaven still deigning to look at me and thinking of me only as a tool to an end in a plan that will hurt people who did nothing wrong but pray? what can the harvest hope for if not the care of the reaper man? if it's - it always hurts. it always hurts. if it's going to hurt. why shouldn't it be kind first? why shouldn't i play stupid and keep you close and be usable without a heart left in me to break? why shouldn't i enjoy it for what it is, if it's all a lie? better me than someone who would be hurt by it. you're smart, and easy to talk to, and you're helping. you can't unbuild that door. unsweep the entryway. you can't undo the physical evidence of when you were kind. that's enough. that's all i can ever ask of people.

four point now: yes i know you wouldn't, now, i know you now, i don't need to gamble. i know you'd build a thousand doors. i know there's no trick. i know that it's safe. i know that i could have accused you and screamed and bit you and nothing would have made a difference and you still would have been kind. i know. i promise i know. i just... have to say where it was before. i have to tell you how important that kindness was, and how much i was willing to be kind to my own self to keep it near me. you understand what i mean, right? the tiny unforgivable act of making a mistake that could only hurt me? i know, i know. cocky to assume it would just be me hurt. but - if i was right to hope for nothing, i would make sure of that. i would make sure of it. i would do what i needed to to make sure only i was hurt for my selfishness.

five: i hate that we built a shrine and the next day something like that waltzed in. now we have to clean again. (i said in the stream, how funny it was to run that only survivor scam, how quickly it falls apart if you've ever seen real suffering, if you know what a survival rate is.) the rest i don't remember. i like working as a team. i like how much the kids hate you. they can tell too. i don't know what they see. but they worry about me. why do they worry so much? do their generals have something invested in me? are they just trying to do what they can now, and my caring for them isn't a one-way road? do you look that sketchy?

six: talking about the plot? in a sandstorm? no. you should keep my hat on. you look so sweet and cute and shy in it. i love the way you crumple when you aren't at the wheel, when an interaction happens without your instigation. maybe i'm not the only one bad at taking kindness. maybe i should offer it to you more often. you smell nice. like hot clay and silk. it's subtle. is that a ghost king thing, or is it just you? i like it. i can't imagine what i smell like. i hope... lillies and cotton. something soft. i'll ask you one day. i'm not surprised you were the most solid thing in a storm. i won't be surprised if you keep being that. i should have let you catch me. i should have dragged you with me. are you immune to it? could you stop it? would you pretend to be as useless and helpless as i am? i want to keep putting you in situations in disguise just to see what you do. it's fun! it probably shouldn't be, and i'm sure i'm setting myself up for a public shriving the more it becomes obvious who you are and how much i depend on you, but. i don't care. if i suffer for it, so what? what difference will that make? what could one more condemnation possibly do?

six point five: i like seeing sqx. i still read that as squeeks. i like seeing squeeks. i like sharing this with teddy. i like knowing that the way we are together can translate to here. i like how kind he is to me, and how funny, and sweet. i want to see him be happy. i want to see him be happy even though i know enough to infer it won't last. i know you love me with the power of a thousand angry wasp queens but it's nice to just sit next to him and joke with him and pretend for a little bit that i got to do this all the time. that i spent all my years drinking honey and rosewater and laughing with him, that things were as kind and easy as they're allowed to be. it's cute when i say he has a moral code and he gets offended. it's cute when i say he's a bitch and he gets offended. i like the way it makes all three of us laugh. i like seeing a place in my heaven where you could be. i don't want you to give up what you built. you built it because you had to. but when i'm sitting with my head on his shoulder, it's a window to that place where heaven exists to help people, where none of us ever had to learn what misery really was.

what power obliges from you: action. movement, always. there is no down time, no sleep, no rest, no running. if you seek people out to rule them - and that is what ascention is, seeking to rule, to tie your survival to your treatment of them - then you cannot do it with force and with ignorance and with the desire to coast. like. i'm not stupid. i know men do. for centuries and centuries with no repercussions, until the king on the rope for his people is as far related to the man who razed their lands as i am, (but inheriting evil is a choice too). i know how easy it is to punish and hurt and demand. how easy it is to hold people for ransom. but that isn't... that isn't power. that isn't kinghood or godhood or divine right. it's worthless. it's the other end of a sword. it kills you both to use. there's no light left in the world, no wonder, no chance to be saved by others so long as you are the thing that keeps you both drowning. you should wake up in the middle of the night for them without being asked. you should bleed for them without being asked. you should be ready to die for them without them ever knowing. even at their worst. at their most entitled, afraid, undignified, ignorant - if they are those things, the blame falls on you. if you are voted in democratically or born to the monarchy and not hanged in the streets it is the same either way: the people have chosen, they are asking you for something, and if you live in their gold and silk and sing their songs instead of smashing your own head in with a rock then you have agreed to the terms. why would anyone be unwilling to do that? afraid to do that? if you can do even a little bit more than someone else they are owed half of the excess. you cannot live in the world alone. you must not live in the world alone. ask the people above you to bleed for you and the people below you for nothing. there is no hierarchy beyond "i can help you" and "please help me" and there is no meaning beyond it either. every day it is hard to remember this but you have to, both parts, without losing either. why wouldn't anyone want this? what else is there to strive for but to better help others, to be someone with an abundance to share, to be used like that for the survival of everyone. isn't that happiness? to be as connected to everyone around you as a river is? to give water and fruit and blessings and promises and safety and shelter? you can seek power without understanding that it is only deeper service, but you will never do anything worthwhile with it. the gold will rot with your corpse. we find immortality in one another, and the celebration of giving more.

???: i saw a video of someone opening their back gate onto a meadow of the same single flower. it was beautiful. that's what it feels like when i catch you looking at me. we could grow flowers, couldn't we? we could plan a garden? i don't want to see myself fall and fail twice at least, or fight a war, without something kind at the end. i want you to tell me there's a way to still be like this - repairing doors, eating small meals, sleeping in warm air - after all of that is done. i want to build something selfish and self-sufficient together. i know we already are. in the things we talk about the jokes we make at my own expense whenever further plot implies at me. and in how excited i was to find out that the word for butterfly was this one. but i want to make things with our hands again.

episode 7: well. i'm glad it was me.

episode 7 (a day later): i'm still glad it was me. i'm proud of the kids for how brave they are, proud of that general for saving lives every time - and god, it was so funny sitting there in a circle of contempt for him, touching a gravestone people had hand cut and hauled up the mountain and carefully ingraved with their thanks, thinking about how loved and how much gratitude he must have died surrounded by. thank you for making them treat it with respect. thank you. he did his best. i'm almost jealous of it. imagine how nice it would be to help people, and have them see that you helped them, and be happy about it, and think kindly of you. i'm glad that you understood how important his actions were. i feel less alone when you're beside me on matters like that. anyway - i'm glad it was me. you're so bad at letting people care for you. i can tell you've been alone with only yourself to depend on for a long time. but your heart is so soft, you know? you don't even know it. you deserve to be protected. to be with people who want to protect you. it doesn't matter if you could have caught it in time, or survived a bite if you didn't - you should be able to think of yourself as precious to others. to me. i don't want to see you hurt. i don't ever want to take your hard-won strengths for granted. on the last day of earth, i want to move between you and danger as quickly and without apology as i did then. you're so easy to care for. do you know? and i'll be okay. i know you blame yourself for it because you said, because you're never gentle with yourself the way you are with me. but if you hadn't been there, i'm sure i would have stepped between someone else and that bite. i'm sure i would have forgotten again to grab the stinger i was just warning everyone about. you know what would change? if you hadn't been there, if you'd been a bit faster with your own defense, "if" "if" "if" - ? i wouldn't know there was a cure. i wouldn't know where to look for it, or be able to depend on someone helping me find it. that's the difference you made by being there. that's the only influence you had on me that day. you keep giving me the chance to survive my own mistakes. thank you. i can't promise we won't end up here again. i can't promise i won't keep trying to protect you. all i can do is hope that you know i don't mean it as a slight on your capabilities (it isn't! i just care about you. even the strongest man alive should be loved by people who want to shield him from danger) and that you don't get tired of me being so reckless.

[marshmallowatheart]

To All The Boys I've Loved Before (Part 17)

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Dear Veronica

I had a lot of fun at the zoo, we should go again sometime. Maybe we'll get a chance to see the pandas?

- L

P.S I thoroughly enjoyed your leaning tower of chocolate cake.

Veronica chuckles at the note, remembering how thoroughly he had enjoyed it. She makes a mental note that chocolate goodies are kryptonite against Logan Echolls.

She wonders what other foods he likes. Does he like lasagne as much as she does? She remembers that he's allergic to shellfish, was there anything else he was allergic to? She tries pulling out memories that she'd long ago sealed away and she wonders if he still likes honey on his toast.

--vm--

"Look what the cat dragged in, Veronica Mars," Trina smirks, descending down the staircase like she's in a movie and this is the moment everyone's been dying to see.

Veronica gives her a small smile and a head bob. "Hey Trina, how's it going?"

"I thought you were in Australia," Logan says; he would have postponed this dinner if he'd know his sister was back in town. Trina's an unpredictable wild force of nature that would embarrass him without a second thought for her own amusement - he doesn't want to have to deal with that when he has all of these other added pressures in making this dinner go well.

"Yeah, well, I'm back baby bro," she grins, enjoying the fact that he's rattled with her presence. Trina's always had the most fun when people didn't want her to be there. "So I've clearly been out of the loop lately. Are you two together now?"

Logan's hand finds Veronica's and he starts to tug her away to the kitchen or any other room where his sister is not. "Yeah," he answers. "Hey, if you're back home who's playing Dead Hooker number 2 on CSI?"

Trina rolls her eyes and decidingly ignores her brother in favour for the blonde beside him. "Veronica, look at you. All grown up. Hey, we should go shopping sometime now that I'm back in town."

Veronica nods her head, offering the aspiring star a smile. "Sure, Trina."

--vm--

It feels like she's living in a flashback of her life when she settles down at the Echolls' dinning room table. The home decor hasn't changed much - minus all of the Aaron Echolls' blockbuster movie posters that were once plastered along the walls - Lynn Echolls is still the charming hostess she always was (though she does look lighter and more radiant than ever before).

Veronica's happy to see that it's still Mrs Navarro cooking that's filling up the table - she'd always made delicious food that tasted like heaven on a plate.

"Logan tells me you have two sisters," Lynn says, bright smile and pearly white teeth. "Your mother must love having three girls."

"Her mother's not with them anymore, mom," he says, wide-eyed and pointedly, before Veronica can even get a word in.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Veronica," she amends, bashful and eyes full of sympathy. "I remember now."

"It's okay," Veronica assures her, picking at her food with her fork. "Dad, he loves having three girls," she adds in, trying to de-spell the awkward tension. "But you know I think he secretly wanted one of us to be a boy, someone to play catch with and go fishing," she chuckles, hoping to ease up any of Lynn's concerns. "I don't mind the sports but fishing is way too gruesome."

Lynn chuckles along with her, sensing what the petite blonde is doing and welcomes it. She continues to cut her meat and mentions, "Maybe he can take Logan with him the next time he wants to go fishing."

Trina snorts, loudly and radically. "Logan's so spoiled, he might as well be a girl," she remarks. "Don't let his tough-boy looks fool you, Veronica Mars. Logan won't survive a day without a household staff and take-out."

Logan is already regretting accepting his mother's invitation for dinner.

Veronica humours Trina with an uneasy chuckle and at the same time defends her faux boyfriend. "He did help me bake some cookies once so maybe there's hope for him yet."

Logan gives her a smile and she reciprocates the gesture, feeling her heart swell at the way his eyes seemed to light up.

--vm--

After dinner, Logan pulls Veronica away to the pool house because Trina is wildly inappropriate and his mother gets a call from her agent and reaches for a drink so he knows she's getting bad news.

It fills him with disappointment whenever he sees her fall into old habits but his mother definitely takes bad news better than his father used to. And well at least his mother doesn't drink herself into oblivion anymore.

Logan busies himself behind the counter, getting out drinks and snacks for them and Veronica plops on the counter near him.

He lets out a breath, handing her a soda and says, "Hey, I'm really sorry about what my mom said to you."

Veronica shakes her head. "It's fine. It's nice to know that not everybody has 'drunk mother abandons family' in the back of their mind when they talk to me," she jokes, swaying slightly on his counter.

He nods his head, he gets it, there's always been some headline attached to his name and he basks in moments when he's just Logan - those moments seem so few and far but when he's with Veronica, he feels like he's just him.

"Do you miss her?"

"I miss the person she used to be," Veronica offers softly. "She wasn't always drunk," she says, reminding him and herself. "She used to come to my soccer games, we'd bake cookies and prepare dinner together. Stuff that mothers are supposed to do, you know?"

He nods his head, he has vague memories of her when he'd first moved here; Lianne Mars was nice to him and it was the first time he didn't mind the company of someone else’s mother.

"But those were in between the bad moments," she swallows. Her eyes falling from Logan to her can of soda. "Sometimes she'd miss picking me up from school because she was passed out drunk. Or she'd burn the waffles because she was too dazed out."

She lets out a breath, trying to control her emotions as she shares this part of her with Logan. It's always been hard to talk about it but right now it feels like a bit easier with Logan.

"The months before she left, it got really bad," she meets Logan's eyes and he's attentively listening to her, offering her looks of understanding and silently waiting for her to continue. "Dad got calls to pick her up in the middle of the afternoon or at night," she sighs loudly and shrugs; it's a distant memory but it feels raw and as present as ever. "He tried for years to hide that side from us and then it got to the point where he couldn't anymore."

She bites her lips, she can feel tears caused by long ago memories start to brim in her eyes so she shakes her head and shrugs. Swallowing down her soda, hydrating herself as much as she can. She doesn't want to cry over this woman that's left them anymore. "There's moments I forget who she's turned into and I miss the times when we were happy with her."

"And then I remember that she left us," she comes off the counter, can in hand, searching for the bin and Logan lets her distract herself from her rising emotions. She spots it easily enough and throws it in.

She lets out a breath, looking at Logan and her voice feels hoarse that she wonders if she's at her limit talking about this but she still has these feelings that for some reason wants to let itself out now, to him. "Normal people get divorced when they're unhappy in their marriage but she didn't just leave my dad, she left all of us."

"Even though I was so angry, even though I know how bad things could get with her there, I wanted her back," she admits, it's one of her more vulnerable thoughts that not many people are privy off. "I would have welcomed her back if she came back to us."

She doesn't know how Logan's wiggled himself into being a person that she's comfortable enough to share this with - maybe it's because he's the only person that she's not lying to or maybe because he's been a friend that's allowed her to be vulnerable or maybe because he understands what she's talking about even if their emotions are derived from different situations.

"But she didn't, Logan, she left us, moved to Arizona and has this white picket fence life with a new family," she tells him and he's shook - she can see him registering the new information and she remembers how distraught she was when she'd learnt this.

"A family that she's there for, a family that she's sober for while we're left to think why weren't we enough?" Her voice cracks, she hates to admit that the thought still does creep up at times when she's particularly nostalgic.

"I found out last year," she confesses, a bitter smile gracing her lips. "Perks of spending afternoons at the Sheriff's departments and fiddling around with systems I'm not exactly authorized to," she lets out a humourless chuckle.

"I never told my dad or my sisters." She wouldn't be surprised if her dad knew - if he wanted to know, he'd know. "Just Wallace," she says in a quiet voice and meets his eyes once again. "And now you."

She gives him a half-smile when she says that, a silent thank you for listening. And he returns it, a silent thank you for trusting me.

"My mom drinks," he confesses, walking towards her - she's on the couch, pillow in her lap and looks at him in surprise.

"She doesn't drink as much as she used to - and as far as I can tell there's no more pill popping. But when Aaron was alive, things weren't good at all," he settles beside her sideways, his one leg folded with his arm on the back rest of the couch and his head is resting on his palm.

"He was the worst husband. Even worse father. He liked to portray the perfect family life on screen but we were far from it."

He's not used to this sharing thing. He's not ready to talk about everything that his father has done - he's not sure if he'll ever be - but he thinks if he ever is, Veronica might be the person he'd be able to confide to about it.

"I miss those good moments in between all the bad too," he offers.

He remembers a time - it feels like from another life - but there'd been a time when Aaron had been a father, when he was a kid, years leading up to his tenth birthday.

And then suddenly his father turned into this angry vengeful monster that took his anger out on his son, using anything he could get his hands on - including his hands - to teach Logan a lesson.

She gives him a small half smile, tilts her head and she once again thinks that he has the most beautiful brown soulful eyes she's ever seen.

"Hey, you wanna play Mario Kart before I take you home?"

"Sure, if you're ready to lose," she grins and he laughs.

He relaxes next to her, the game is on and she's being her usual snarky self and he reciprocates in kind. Being with Veronica feels so natural and it feels so good like a relationship should feel. He hopes that she feels it too.

[automatismoateo]

(Final Update) My(m18) Parents yelled at me because I don't want a graduation party at my house during Covid, so they're gonna invite 40+ people from church instead. As a result of everything, my brothers have recently renounced their faith as well via /r/atheism

Submitted May 05, 2021 at 11:43PM by Throaramagazine (Via reddit https://ift.tt/3nOnBV0) (Final Update) My(m18) Parents yelled at me because I don't want a graduation party at my house during Covid, so they're gonna invite 40+ people from church instead. As a result of everything, my brothers have recently renounced their faith as well

It's been a couple of weeks, and I wanted to write about a few things that have happened since my last post. A lot of people gave some really great advice, and I've tried my best to start some of it in motion as well... not just for the party that is in a couple of weeks, but also for the future and getting closer to supporting myself

Before I start though, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who commented and offered advice and sympathy. As I mentioned previously, I doubted myself for years and believed they were right in many ways until recently and the responses to my last posts, the last post being the one that hurt most, the one where my dad said I needed "medical help" for not defending homeschooling to my friends throughout the years, the same friends who they would go out of their way to destroy relationships with, by insulting their parents to a degree where they wouldn’t let their kids hang out with me like I mentioned last time

From reading your responses and other stories on Reddit after finding the site, it’s done wonders in many ways and provided comfort and confidence too, providing insight into real world relationships/perspectives that I never received being homeschooled for 12 years, only knowing people from church and our homeschool group through our church for the most part, and while I understand that you should take everything with a grain of salt, I feel like I've actually learned a lot from other posts and replies, certain things to do and not do from the examples and stories of others

Before I start the update though, I want to say that I don’t feel like recapping everything I did last time, since it gets a little repetitive to be honest with you. However, I want to address some of the steps I’ve taken since last time, along with something I wasn’t comfortable to share originally, my most recent trauma that adds some perspective into this graduation situation, and something I’m still trying to fully overcome in my mind. I didn’t plan to share it at first, but given how therapeutic the first two posts were and their responses, I wanted to add them here and make them the focus of today, the issue that led into my graduation that opened my eyes to how wrong my parents were for years, and it ties into my current financial situation as well

_____________________________

I want to touch on the job I currently have, since a lot of people said that being financially independent is a major part in getting away from them. The job I have now, is actually my second job, and while I sometimes like it, I don't love it like my first job, and I want to explain why. From the months of last October through December, I had what I believe to be my first experience of depression, and I want to talk about it and my most recent struggle, the situation that led into this graduation party

My parents helped me find my first job when I turned 16, and it was a retail job that I loved very much. I was hired before the store opened, and one of my fears with being homeschooled and going into the workforce, was that I'd have a hard time fitting in with people from being isolated, but since this store was yet to open, there would be no friend groups that were already established, so I felt that I had an equal footing to create those groups at the same time as everyone else was potentially shy too, since my social awkwardness wouldn't stand out as much

We built the store from scratch when there was nothing on the shelves. We had a few weeks until the store opened, and it was really amazing to see how it all came together. Another positive thing, was that most of the kids who were hired were from the local high schools, and the store was mostly 80% high schoolers and people around my age, the high school experience that I never got to experience, something that made me excited to go to work each day, and my parents could see just how happy I was to be around other kids… something they wouldn’t like as time went on, but I’ll get back to that

However, I still had a tough time making friends, and when I was paired with other kids for various things, I was scared to talk to them and didn't know what to say, and when they would sometimes talk about school things/friends or world topics I didn't know, I just didn't know how to join the conversation, and that pretty much remained for my entire first year

After a year of being there, our department managers met with everyone for their yearly evaluation, and my evaluation was absolutely terrible (our first year evaluation came 4 months in, because of how late we opened). I remember having the wrong mentality when I worked my first year, although I don't blame myself for having it as of writing this. My mentality was to make friends and have the high school experience that I never had, but when I kept telling myself that I would talk to others and get out of my comfort zone, I could never do it when opportunities came, just like getting cold feet when trying to ask out a girl, only to keep pushing it to next time

In my first year evaluation, I was rated a 2/5 and "in need of major improvement" from my department manager, and the areas he highlighted was needing to finish my workload faster with more urgency and care, since I was always down and disappointed in myself and only focusing on friends and how I wasn't making any

Well, just like sports and after a tough loss growing up, that really ticked me off, and I used it as motivation to get better the next year, just like my tennis mentality of always trying to become the best in every group. I wanted to be the best one in my department, and before my next shift, I went shopping and changed my wardrobe and began carrying myself much differently at work, focusing less on making friends and just finishing my assignments and then going beyond them and helping others in their departments because I would finish my work early... something that later got me picked on by other kids/managers for "caring too much" about a "meaningless" job, and from their perspective (mostly the younger people), I now see where they're coming from as I’m slightly older now

The manager who did my evaluation noticed my wardrobe change, and he also began to notice my improved work effort and get behind me, giving me more responsibility (such as closing down registers and handling money) and giving me supervisor/price overriding numbers too, not to mention shouting me out to other managers who also began to notice

As months went by, other people began talking to me, and I also began to make a few acquaintances, although I don’t have any of them as of writing this. Fast forward a year, and my next evaluation comes. The same manager who did my first one told me that I was graded a 4/5 by all of the managers, and he was also impressed with how I had improved myself, something he said the other managers and himself didn't expect, and he also asked me if I wanted to become a supervisor in the coming year (in which I would be 18 by the time it was all said and done, since they were starting to look for a few around that time), and I was surprised and said I'd be interested

In the coming months, I was assigned with a task of sorting deliveries that came into the backroom for a few months, and after doing very well on that task, he began moving me to different departments to get a feel of different areas in the store as well, and this allowed me to be seen by a few more people including kids my age who were starting to take notice, and after completing the tour of departments, my manager said that they would give me the position in the coming weeks and that I basically had it, and I remember how excited I was

It was also around this time that a girl began talking to me from one of the other departments, something I never expected to happen at this job, and during my second year, we would begin to hang out outside and after work, and she wanted to hang out way before she knew about my promotion, since no one knew about it until it'd be official. She didn’t care that I was homeschooled, and she seemed to just like me for me, and she also vented to me about things about her parents, and she had quickly become my best friend at the job

However, it was around then that I began to enter a really bad state, and it started around the time that things began to look up. After hanging out with her and even playing video games for a few months, we were about to make it official that we were dating after 7 months, and we discussed it too.

However, after being confirmed for the supervisor position and after having it announced to the rest of the store, my manager told me that the other managers changed their minds last minute and decided to give the position to someone else instead, a girl from a different department who was dating one of the other managers, and while my manager disapproved of what they did, he gave me a few reasons that they used that still hurt me to this day to think about

He told me that it was “not based around my work performance”, since he said that “I knew almost every technical area of the store”. Instead, it was based around certain biases that the other managers had. The first being that, they only chose to see me for my first impression and not how I improved, according to him, and the second was that they thought I was really stupid and "too introverted and shy" and “just looked down on me and homeschooling”, and here's the example he gave me

When other managers would talk about their relationships and non-work-related things with other employees and me, I would remain quiet and not know how to enter the conversation and just seemed uncomfortable, but in addition to that, it was things I didn’t know too that just seemed really basic, and here’s what I mean. I remember one evening when I made a fool out of myself for not knowing something that they couldn’t believe I didn’t know, and it happened when an employee called an annoying customer a ‘karen’ after closing up for the night, and when I asked if they were talking about an employee whose actual name was Karen, they couldn’t believe I didn’t know and just laughed at me, and someone said how I was homeschooled and told them to "take it easy", but I remember feeling horrible and just stupid about it, since that just epitimizes how people look down at me as a homeschooler and how sheltered I was. My manager also said that he received "a lot of flack" for wanting to promote someone who they deemed "wasn't bright or intelligent" despite knowing all of the work technicalities of the job

After finding out that they had changed their mind about promoting me, I remember being sad after telling my parents that I was going to be promoted months ago, but they were never happy because of how I raved about having a high school experience there with people my age, and they really hated that and said “I was learning a lot of worldly things” and “things they tried to keep me away from” and that “I should leave my job” because I was hearing other opinions than theirs, the main reason they wanted to homeschool me from the beginning, to keep me from being around “worldly people” (her favorite phrase… basically anyone who’s not a Christian)

When I told them that they had promoted someone else after promising me the position, I remember asking my dad if they could legally do that after announcing it and making it official, and I also told them that it happened to me because I was homeschooled and how “they looked down on me”. But when I cried to them about it, they got angry at me for "blaming it on god" and "blaming it on homeschooling" and not "defending homeschooling to them" when they tried to put me down, along with “playing a victim like every black person who gets corrected” by blaming homeschooling as the reason why I am not socially adequate, which she compared to black people throwing around racial inequality “because it’s popular and easy, just like how girls lie about men hitting them to benefit”, and I hate that example whenever they use it. She would continue to say how "god does stuff to draw us back to him" and how "he gives and takes away" and nonsense like that and other stuff about "getting my life back in order with god", and it just made me feel worse, but not at my lowest yet. I wanted them to help me see if they could legally do that, but they refused to give me answers and kept throwing god at me

All of this happened right around when me and the girl were about to make our relationship official, including finally saying "I love you" after 7 months too, but after feeling like crap and having my parents play the abusive god card and being yelled at until I cried and thinking that this was god’s "punishment" and that I had done something wrong, I told her that “while I know I said I love you”, that I "had some stuff going on" that was affecting me emotionally (the job and embarrassment and my parents, not to mention rumors about me doing something terrible to lose the position at my job) and "wasn't ready to commit just yet"... words I now regret, but just remember being a mess, although it doesn't excuse what I said

She took it okay and said that that was fine and looked sad, but after that night, she stopped responding to me completely. Didn't matter over text or call, she even blocked me on social media in the coming weeks, and this on top of the embarrassment and hurt from the promotion and stuff from my parents, stuff that made me call out a bunch of days and stay bedridden and cry and do a bunch of stupid things to try and feel anything, and this lasted for a couple of weeks too

She wouldn't talk to me, and my parents were happy with how everything happened, since to them, it saw it as karma for me "walking away from god", and they'd take every chance they could get to rub it in my face. And after reading a bunch of relationship posts on Reddit now (something I didn't do back then), I know that I hurt my soon-to-be girlfriend by letting my hurt affect our relationship and ask for space, and if I could take back those words, I would in a heartbeat and regret them everyday. I was a coward to react that way, having no comfort from my family or anyone at the job when I was sad, but that still wasn’t an excuse to ask for space because of my emotional state. However, my parents used my emotional state to make me buy into their religious crap one more time, and this is probably the most hurtful thing of my life recently

I remember being so desperate, that I actually listened to them and did a Bible study for 3 months out of "repentance" thinking that she would return by some miracle (in my first ever breakup), something that they told me “would happen” when I had never felt in my entire life. I never thought anyone would ever be interested in me as a homeschooler and that I'd never be social enough to meet anyone or even get married. But after 3 months of crying and time going by, it was then that I began to finally realize that they were wrong and some of the realization that I have now. But they forced me to leave my job in "an act of faith to trust God to give me something better" after losing my promotion that would've gave me $19 an hour instead of $15 like I was making

​

Update

I'm in a grocery store now, making $15 again. I've been here since leaving my first job, and the pain of everything doesn't hurt as much, months later, although sometimes, it still really does. I hate myself for how I let myself buy into their "Bible study to make her come back" which was manipulative of my emotional state and first ever time around kids not in church, and I hope to move up in this new job at some point, but my parents have been angry at me for stopping the Bible study after the breakup stage, saying that "I gave up on God" and only "used him for what I wanted" and other stuff like that

My 2 young brothers also saw what happened and my bedridden stage, and as of a result, have both recently renounced their faith, something my parents are very angry with me about, and possibly carrying over that anger into their graduation demands. My brothers are 13 and 16 and have both decided that, and my youngest has said that he plans to go NC with my parents from 18 on and not go to college

In regards to the party, I talked with one of my cousins who said that they'd be willing to take me in during the party and potentially more time after that, for the simple basic reason of “mom trying to kill people by having an illegal party” not to mention the emotional abuse

As for my finances, I have inquired about opening my own checking account for my new job, since I used to share the same bank with my parents for the past 2 years. My uncle helped me with that, and he’s been really awesome. But what I just mentioned in regards to my first job, is what opened my eyes to the wrong in my parents, and while I understand that none of my abuse excuses how much of a coward I was when I pushed my girlfriend away out of stupid pity for myself, I am hoping/working to better myself as a person, and it starts with me learning how to say no to them, something I’ve gotten better doing a little since leaving my first job, realizing that god isn’t some genie in a bottle like she tried to make me believe he’d “make her return” like some vision she pulled out of her behind. I want to better myself for the next person I meet, and some of the small steps I’ve taken and putting my foot down with this party, will help build a backbone that I hope to have as a father one day and someone who will learn what not to do from my parents

$19 from my promotion would've been nice to have while trying to move out, but you can’t change the past, so I try not to look back, although sometimes the past still gets me. As others have recommended, I'm constantly looking into new jobs and potential trade schools, and I even practiced taking the train to the city on my own during the last week too, since my cousin lives out there and he'd be willing to help me out

With all of that said, here is my question. My brothers have reached out to me and look at me in place of my parents (in some ways), and they’ve begun opening up about how much they hate them for homeschooling them without their consent and forcing them to stay homeschooled… and when my youngest asked if he could go to public school, he was yelled at and similar stuff that happened to me in the past, and the 16 year old apologized for taking my parents’ side in recent years, and this is after they have both renounced their faith

My question is this… I’m still trying to move on, and I haven’t done anything yet to be seen as an example to them by any means, but I don’t know how to help them when I can’t even help myself, and my parents don’t want me to talk to them anymore and have had conversations scolding me for “putting garbage in their heads”, and if I talk to them, they will also get punished. How do I manage this situation and help them, if I should even help them at all right now for their safety, since they’ve lost a lot of privileges permanently for renouncing their faith, and I want to help them along with continuing to help myself. Any other advice is appreciated, and if you read all of that, I really appreciate it, and any advice on how to move on from my first job and this graduation mentally, would be appreciated too. My brothers are getting the worse of my parents for turning against them after seeing what happened to me, and one of my relatives has even considered calling CPS, but is unsure of if he’d be okay with taking the youngest one away from his parents if he’s accepting of it, and I just want to add that too

If I update in the future, it'll probably be after the party in over a month, but if you read all of that, I really appreciate it, and your advice has really helped me so much more than you'd ever know

TL;DR: I've tried my best to take a few more steps following the advice that others gave leading up to the party, but I really appreciate all of the comments and support, it's been really therapeutic. However, I want to add something I didn't add in my first two updates, my most recent trauma that I didn't tell anyone about, and something I'm still trying to overcome myself, the thing that made me realize how wrong they are for the first time. My brothers have also renounced their faith as a result of watching some of the things that I went through

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

⭐🥀TRIGGER WARNING!!

Introducing Last Night At 3AM. I Lost Control. Yet Another Breakdown, I Had about 30 breakdowns. No pity sympathy or attention. && NO I WAS NOT ON DRUGS! I'm over 1 year sober. Alvaro took over (one of my demons/alters) && Dancing Fire (another one) possessed me to the point I almost got a cop call. I don't wanna be a burden &: I wanna save fix care support be there for everyone and everything. I'm sick of being alive. But I can't do anything stupid cuz of me getting concerved to a state institution (which is way different than a mental hospital) cuz I've been in 215 mental hospitals & got diagnosed Critically/Clinically Insane plus over 10+ mental hospitals. All I have is my mom. The breakdowns the vivid flashbacks the mental illnesses getting 10x worse. No treatment will take me cuz I've been to all of them to many times. I can't process anything. My mind imprisons me. I dissociate 89 to 99% of the day. I've been thru every single sorts of treatments/medication I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018. I'm losing my mind. And everyday it's the same thing and people get tired of hearing it.I'm so done with dealing with this everyday. I don't need sympathy. I just don't know man. My mom&& lil brother doesn't want me home, I can't explain what's wrong or going on. I don't wanna be a burden. I'm sorry man. I wanted to self harm again but I didn't. Imagine all my mental illnesses multiplied by 10. Imagine EVERYDAY HAVING VIVID FLASHBACKS AND 22+ Mental Breakdowns a day. I.am sorry if I'm negative. I'm sorry. I just wanna save and fix the world. When people ask me "how are u" idk how much reply. I'm sick of my mind. I feel like darkness is controlling me. I pray A LOT. Alvaro literally possesses me and gets in my body. I have mostly every mental health diagnosis there is. And NO I'M NOT PROUD OF IT I'M NOT BRAGGING OR GLORIFYING It. I just wanna help everyone and everything. Along the my mental health, I have autism, narcolepsy anorexia Etc. My diagnosis list is so long and I don't wanna be known for that. I can't even leave my house. When ever I feel a lil bit better, here comes Alvaro. But again I don't wanna be a burden. It's my job to be there for everyone else NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I can't take this anymore. No pity sympathy or attention. I can't seek help cuz then they'll send me to a institution cuz I've been in to many mental hospitals. I'm doing the best I can. But I'm about to snap. I can't function. And I'm getting worse. I don't want attention I want to be OK. I've dealt with all this hell most of my life. It's hard to explain. On top of that. My physical state is getting worse. I'm finding more reasons to die than to live. I'm over 1 year sober. I'm a huge hypocrite when it comes out taking my own advice. I don't love myself. But i am over caring sensitive and I help obsessively. I repeat myself idk I'm just not OK. I'm losing contact with reality. I'm scared to keep going. But I got this.🥀⭐

🥀⭐Your Enough

Your Worth It.

Your Life Has Purpose

This To Shall Pass

Im here for all y'all in anyway I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying. I'm sorry

Stay Strong && Keep Breathing ⭐🥀

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic with over 1 year sober. This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Being homeless 13 times. In 215 mental hospitals. In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth. I've had trauma 24/7 from 2001-2018, over 10+ mental illnesses. Some were caused from a few bad trips on PCP that I never came back from. I was sleeping anywhere I could rest my head, I had to be alert at all times. Tbh I havent been to a meeting in awhile. My sponsor is like family to me. I'm redoing all my steps. I'm on step 2. I've lost a shit ton of people to drugs and I was literally getting cop calls everyday. Drugs messed with my life. And having this much clean time is amazing. Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls. Any clean time is good time. And I'm proud of all of you in recovery drug addiction is a special kinda hell. Drugs become your priority and your best friend. I got tortured on the daily by people coming in one by one torturing me from orders from Kimberly (my ex fiance who hung herself in front of me) it was one by one. I got so caught on in drugs that it was the only way I knew. I used to numb the pain. I'm so blessed I found God again. Now I have 22+ mental breakdowns a day every day. I found out it had a lot to do with my drug use.🔥🔥🥀🥀

🥀🖤Thank you for breathing even when u wanted to die. Drugs kill you. There's nothing about it to be proud of its serious. You Matter Yo Important Yo A Someone Yo Enough Yo Worth It Yo Have A Purpose, Yo Have A Story, A Message, A Voice, A Reason, Yo A Warrior, A Soldier, A Survivor, A Fighter. You Are U && NoOne Can Be You, But YOU. Your Life Matters YOU MATTER, Yo Life Has Value &% I'm Glad Your Alive. Thank U For Being Alive. People say that I help everyone and everything obsessively && I don't stop. It's very true. This is a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤🥀

🖤🔥🥀I failed Cedar House twice. This was a rehab in San Bernardino, California. I lied my way out. And I regret it. Funny thing is I already read the entire NA Basic Text && The AA Big Book. I have multiple sobriety apps on my phone and I have an app that that has NA && AA Speakers on it. I'm reading the How && Why and I'm so proud of myself && I couldn't have got this far without my sponsor, Jaclyn. She understands me better than any sponsor I've had in recovery. Here's a list of my mental disorders, some were caused Or made worse by drugs and alcohol🥀🔥🖤

🌙🔥🔥Schizo-Affective, Bipolar

ADHD, OLD, ODD,

PTSD, Insomnia

Depression, Anorexia

Anxiety, Autism

Borderline Personality Disorder

Severe Brain Damage

Attachment Disorder

Dissociative Identity Fund..

Multiple Personality Disorder

Narcolepsy, Critically/Clinically Insane🔥🔥🌙

🖤🥀Listen I don't need your pity, sympathy or attention these were all diagnosed by over 5 psychiatrists, and diagnosed "Insane" by over 10 doctors. DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE!!!! Anyways. I attempted suicide over 100 times. Self harmed in anyway possible. They say I'm the most high maintenance case in the system of California. And the next time I go to a mental hospital I'm getting sent to a state institution. I would do anything to get drugs. Jeremy && Izzie Baraz were my street partners. They both passed away. All I have left in blood family is my mom and brother. My mom. Says if I pick up drugs one more time I'm never aloud back in her house. My dad injected me with meth and heroin at age 9, he also tortured me daily. He passed away in 2011. I'm glad he's dead. But I take full responsibility for my drug and alcohol habits. And I hope I never go back. One Day At A Time.🥀🖤

🔥🥀This To Shall Pass, If Not Today There's Always Tomorrow

God, Grant Me The Serenity

To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

The Courage To Change The Things I Can. &&

The Wisdom To Know The Difference

Amen🥀🔥

🔥🔥Keep Coming Back It Works If You Work It🔥🔥

🔥🔥A Moment Of Silence, For The Addict Who Still

Suffers, In And Out Of These Rooms🔥🔥

🔥🔥Staying Clean, Im Never Going Back🔥🔥

🥀🖤I almost relapsed again on New Year's. I almost asked a stranger to buy me Vodka. But God told me to stop.

I'm Always Here 4 All Of You, No matter What.

I'd Do Anything To Keep Y'all Alive && Breathing. To Make U OK. to Save && Fix U && Take Your Pain Away. I Love Y'all. Keep Coming Back.🖤🥀

[blasian-kpop]

JFTD: Chapter 5- really one day?

A/N: I finished revising the 5 chapter so I might as well post two in one day. whos gonna complain ya know?

Chapters:1,2,3,4,5,profile

Word count:1,241

Genre: Fluff, Humor

_________________________________________

"Oh Yeah I almost forgot about that" Monique said while putting away a bottle of cooking oil. Once you get back up and see the other 8 men you mentally when though what you would show. Then it hit you. 

" Guys you know what? I'm just now realizing that I didn't show you 7 all of my house either"  pointing to the 7 guys that looked lazy and tired, they agreed with you.  You decided to spare some sympathy and suggested something " actually you guys can see the rest later ill just show you to some rooms yall can crash in" walking over to Mark who was near the kitchen exit, you gave him a friendly pat on the head and rub on the back while saying " you guys look tired" changsoo scoffed in a salty manner.

Once you walked out of the kitchen the rest of them following. You then strolled to a lonesome closet in the hallway, that contained some spare bedding items like pillows. Apparently,  you looked like you were struggling while trying to carrying all the pillows and blankets cause out of the blue everything was being snatched out of your arms. "Damn, guys it’s okay you didn't have to take it I was good holding them myself' you shook your head and walked up to the kitchen again turning out the lights.

"Oh no it's okay you've already done you much so much this is the least we can do" Jinyoung sincerely spoke using his free hand to ruffle your hair.

 You grabbed his hand and led it away from your hair then motioned the rest to follow you upstairs. First, you took them all the way to the end of the hall where the guest room was. “Alright. This is the guest room you guys can figure out who will sleep here yourself right" you asked looking at them.

“Yeah, I'll go in this one" Jinyoung walked into the room setting his pillows down and sitting on the edge of the bed looking at the rest of yall. You looked at the rest of the boys “2 more people can share this room with him whoooooo will it be?" you announced like you were at a carnival

"Um.. me I guess " jaebum uttered walking inside throwing his pillows at Jinyoung. Youngjae also volunteered to sleep in that room. “I’ll bring a blowout bed of one of yall to sleep on." you closed the door and turned to the rest. “Three down four to go “ you made your way back up the hall.

Guest Bedroom

Walking to the next room Sarang's room you gave the others some options "so here are the option. I already promised the blowout to the guest room so tow of you can sleep in here and the other two can sleep on the pullout couch" you opened the door and motioned them in with a friendly smile.

" why the couch?" bambam asked with his head cocked to the side.

" well it's either the floor in here or the couch downstairs cause I don't really think it’s a good idea to have a guy in Mi-Cha room'

"Why she won’t figure out" Jackson laughed looking at you but then getting a glimpse of Changsoo and put his head down

"Well actually she will figure out, her nose is better than a hound dog's so one scent of male in her room and I will be dead"

"Oh" well that the end of that conversation you guessed

~~Changsoo POV~~

Monique's house was very beautiful. I was trying to enjoy the tour but that Mark guy was looking at me funny the entire time and I was going to say something until I heard my sister's name and then the one I know as Jackson was smirking at Monique's. I wasn't sure what had happened but I know I didn't like so I gave him a look of unimpressed feelings. He saw me and that smirk ran right off his face.

"so who will be sleeping on the couch " Monique announced

"I will" mark spoke in a deep tone, well deeper than it already was and walked away. Jackson and bambam tool the bed and that left yugyeom with Mark on the couch. She when to the closet from before and brought the blowout bed for the guys in the guest room. after she was down with that she said her goodnights.

“now that that’s over with, let's finish the tour" Monique looked at me and I smiled back. Finally.

After she showed me the others rooms and the bathrooms upstairs we went downstairs for the rest. She took me down a hallway and showed me another bathroom, a laundry room, and even the pool, in the backyard and everything else she wanted to show me. I didn't want to go and leave her here with these other men, but I guess I had no choice. If she felt comfortable with these guys then I guess they were good guys. She walked me to the door and showed me out, but I still felt like I should’ve stayed, that what I told her.

“Hey Mo, I don't think it would be a good idea for you to just be staying in here with all these guys alone, you know"

She looked at me for about 30 seconds with a 'Really" look then a cute little snicker left her lips

“You really care don't you" she hummed looking up into my eyes the continued "don't worry if I didn't trust them they wouldn't be in my house" she reassured me placing her hand on my shoulder giving it a light patting.

“you just need to relax and trust, if anything happens I’ll call you or defend myself, okay? Plus they are only here for the night" she hummed and patted my back. I just laugh at her comfort and walked outside to my car since it was already so late.

"Okay, MoMo make sure to call me if you need help or anything" I reassured myself that she may call. We shared a warm hug and she walked back inside the house, I didn't even drive off until she was safely inside.

~~Monique's POV~~

I was off to bed when I heard Mark call my name I turned to see him sitting on the couch looking at me with droopy eyes. I walked up to him a little more so I could see him better in the deluded light.

"Yeah what's up, where’s  yugyeom?" I said standing behind the couch opposite of him.

“He’s in the bathroom but uh…. Our manager just called and he said that the police won't be done with the investigation until about a few more days " Mark ran his fingers through his hair and let out a long sigh "so if you don't mind... umm.... I mean you don't have to but.. If you can..." I saw the situation he was in and just answered what I thought he was going to ask.

“Mark it's okay if you guys stay a little longer I understand” I smile when I saw his distress face soften. "Thanks," he said settling into the pull out “no problem"

“Okay well we have to get to sleep because you have a schedule and I have to work tomorrow” I said to Mark and we traded goodbyes and goodnight and all that. When i got to my room I changed back into my night clothes and went to sleep.