#even if it does make him incredibly dysphoric

[something-about-sunflowers]

On the topic of Izzy’s queerness and headcanons, and since they mentioned the trans Izzy headcanon specifically (I’m not touching any of their points, it just reminded me that not everyone thinks Izzy is trans and it got me thinking about differing opinions on the nature of his. . . trans. . . ness?):

I do love to see some nice top surgery scars in fanart/fic and of course I’m always down for a ‘he did his own top surgery’ joke (or a later ‘Roach does his top surgery’ situation) but I don’t actually see Izzy as someone who has had or planned on top surgery? This is all personal preference of course but I, personally, don’t think he’d think it was worth the risk of all the downtime he’d need to recover?

As buttoned up as his whole outfit is he, could definitely be hiding stays under all those layers (which are generally more comfortable/practical than modern binders if I’m not mistaken). Or he could just be going full tits out (again, under all the layers) since Con’s got such a nice rack barrel chest anyway.

I do go back and forth on how dysphoric it makes him though, and to be honest I think it maybe would actually fluctuate for him? Like sometimes its worse than other times and all?

But he’s definitely on Ye Olde Testosterone, though I do like to think he was just. Super Hairy before he started transitioning, as a treat.

He does fully encourage and support Jim going for their top surgery though, talks to Roach about it, helps out as much as he can during, bitches at them when they try to escape bedrest, helps them with PT after the fact. He and Olu develop a ‘caring too much about the menace that is Jim Jimenez’ bond in the process and become drinking buddies about it.

[cerise-on-top]

Ghost with a Transmasc!S/O

I've been wanting to write this since last week! I'm not exactly happy with how it turned out, but maybe someone else can enjoy it as well!

When you’d approach him, all nervous and fumbling around, he’d just stay quiet. Sure, he’ll tell you that, no matter what, you can tell him anything and he won’t judge you, but he won’t pressure you into telling him what’s wrong either, even if he is pretty curious. If you need an hour until you can tell him, then he’ll wait that hour, reassuring you that it’s alright. Once you tell him that you’re a man, he would only be half surprised. He’s seen how you eye other men. While he may have thought that could have been attraction at first, once you come out to him, all the pieces fall into place. You weren’t in love with them, you were admiring them. However, he won’t judge you in the slightest, but will talk to you about what’s okay for you and what isn’t. Are you alright with him bringing up the past? Are you alright with him referring to certain body parts? If not, then he’ll keep that in mind. He’s never really been dysphoric before, so he doesn’t really know what you’re going through, but he tries his darndest to be supportive of you.

In fact, you coming out to him as a trans man makes him think about his own masculinity. What does it mean to him? How would he define it? What makes him feel masculine? Those are things he never really questioned before since he’s never seen himself as anything but a man, he always took it for granted. Although he may not say it, or even realize it at first, I think he might grow more comfortable in his own masculinity as a result.

But that aside, the first thing he does would be taking you to a clothes store to buy you some new clothes. He doesn’t really have an eye for aesthetics, and menswear being usually rather dark in color doesn’t help that much either, but he’ll pick out some shirts and pants for you that would fit you and that you might like. He’d also pick out some boxer shorts for you, the same brand that he uses since those are of a higher quality and will last a bit longer. If you’re extremely nervous about it, then he’ll even go to the cashier and pay for you. You don’t even need to pay him back. As long as he can help you out somehow, he’ll pay any price. Will also buy you some men’s body wash and deodorant. Probably the same he uses since he’s familiar with it.

If you’re alright with it, then he’ll break anyone’s nose who dares to misgender you. Especially on the days where you’re feeling a bit more dysphoric. Naturally, he won’t out you to people when there’s danger involved or when you tell him not to, but he’s not above getting into a fight for you. Especially when some transphobe decides they need to be mean to you for no reason. He’s a scary man, he can intimidate most people with his resting face alone, which he uses to his advantage.

If you can get the approval for your surgeries and testosterone the regular way, then he’ll congratulate you and celebrate with you even. However, if you were denied such, then he has acquaintances who can get you the permits. Nikolai is a good lad, he can get you just about anything. Ghost will fight for your clinical reports.

Once you start going on T, he’ll actually be overjoyed with you. As silly as it may sound, he wants to record you saying something, anything at all, so he can compare your voice now to how it develops later on. He’s pretty good with faces, he probably has a few pictures of you on his phone, even if they aren’t plenty, so he’s confident he’ll be able to tell you how you’re slowly growing into a body that is yours. If you let him, he’ll even administer your shots or rub the gel onto your shoulders. It actually makes him incredibly happy when you do, it’s a sign of trust to him. He gets to watch you be giddy, he gets to spend time with you, he gets to make you feel good. If it was up to him, then he’d hug you every time afterwards.

If you don’t know already, then he’ll teach you how to fight. He’ll teach you how to beat someone bloody and how to get up with a broken nose. Although he may go easy on you at first, he won’t forever. He’s a top notch soldier, so there’s a good chance you won’t ever be able to beat him properly, but you’ll learn. You’ll be able to defend yourself and you’ll have a pretty nice outlet for your anger as well. If you’re okay with it, then he’ll involve Soap in your fighting sessions as well. It’s absolutely animalistic when he joins, so you really don’t need to worry about any sort of etiquette when he’s around. It’s just beating each other into submission and then patching each other up.

If you don’t already know, then he’ll teach you how to ride a motorcycle. For some reason, motorcycles are very masculine to him, so he thinks it would make you feel good as well. One day, you’ll be riding one together, with him being the one to hold onto you. He’s looking forward to that day.

On the days where the dysphoria hits harder than usual, he’ll remind you that you’re a man. You’re the most perfect man in his life, and he wouldn’t want to have it any other way. Holds you close and reminds you that you will become your most ideal self, it just takes time. Either way, he won’t leave you, he won’t think of you as less than a man just because you had to put in the work to get to where you are right now. You’re his most ideal man, and he would go through all the torture he’s gone through once more just to be with you. He’ll support you through your highs and your lows. You’re a man. A darn good one at that, because not anyone can go through what you’re going through and still be standing. He admires you greatly for your strength and will remind you of that fact as well.

[haileyywrites]

Summary: Dottore had always been impressed and interested in the making of puppets, with Scaramouche at his disposal he could finally dive into the topic and create a prototype of his own..

Pairings: Scaramouche/Balladeer x puppet!reader

Notes/Warnings: Reader is completely gender neutral and has no pronouns beyond "you"! POC friendly! Reader is said to have long indigo hair, but is not physically described beyond that!

When Dottore brought up the idea of creating a puppet as an experiment by following his design Scaramouche had said he didn't care what he did in his free time, but he truly did. Knowing first hand what it was like to be created as an experiment or to satisfy someone's curiousity, it was hard not to care even if he didn't want to. Especially when the Doctor had said that you would be created by "following his design".

It was dysphoric to live in a world full of humans that looked and talked exactly like you, but were so incredibly different from you. Humans who if they found out the truth would betray and fear you - not that he cared about anything like that anymore. But you likely would. You would have to go through that as well, if the Doctor didn't simply dispose of you after he was done tinkering...

Scaramouche had said he didn't care, but would occasionally he would go out of his way to deliver something to his corner at the palace to see his progress. Dottore knew immediately and would always have a smirk on his face when the Balladeer appeared to deliver something. He would love to poke fun at him, but he didn't. He would simply give some insight or details about his progress without acknowledging what they both knew to be true.

The Doctor was successful in creating you and giving you life, while you were made following his design you didn't exactly resemble him. There were some details and personality traits he could connect between you, well more like traits he had when he was still just Kabukimono - but at the same time you were very different from him too. Dottore had clearly had some creative freedom in what he made you look like, but the long indigo hair you had was clearly made to resemble his.

It was eerie looking at you as you reminded him so much of his past. You were always quietly observing everything around you with curious eyes, you tried so desperately to not be a burden to anyone. He hated your doe like eyes that would look his way occasionally, they were filled with so much innocence it was almost disgusting to him. Technically you were still in your infancy, just in a grown body.

In the end Dottore didn't much care for you or even need you. Creating you was a simple act of curiosity - to truly understand this delicate act of creating artificial life. Once his curiosity had been sated, he simply moved onto other things and never thought much of you or your presence beside him or away from him.

It was actually the Tsaritsa that gave you freedom and a name. While she wouldn't involve herself in matters conserning the Harbingers free time or personal life, she made an exception for you. To her you were alive and thus deserved to live like it, with your own room and own name - free to do whatever you wished. But truthfully you didn't know how or what to do with such freedom. Unlike Scaramouche you didn't have a purpose before or after creation, so you didn't have anything to strive for.

You weren't like humans, you couldn't have a normal life where you eventually grow old. You could potentially live till the end of time and it left you hollow. Longing for something you couldn't quite grasp, something like a purpose.

You stood barefoot in the pure white snow, your head tilted upwards towards the grey winter sky. The cold didn't bother you, you couldn't even truly feel it. The snow flakes raining down the sky fell against your face, but didn't melt when landing on your face. After all... you weren't a human. You didn't produce warmth that would cause them to melt away, you couldn't stay out too long to prevent you from being buried in snow. Perhaps it had been a joke, but you still followed the suggestion.

Scaramouche watched from the sidelines as you stood still enjoying the pure snowfall. He didn't know why he didn't just leave to do what he was supposed to, perhaps he was curious. His feelings and relationship with you were complicated to say the least. He wasn't your creator like Ei was his, but he felt some sort of connection to you. He didn't necessarily want to feel connected with you, but he did.

He hated that a small part of him was curious about you, of what you were like. If he could possibly relate to you or if he would form a connection with you if he were to approach you. Even if you were technically his kin, he knew it didn't mean anything as in the end even Ei had betrayed and forsaken him - who was to say you wouldn't do so as well?

You both knew he was there watching you, he often was. You never acknowledged him as he seemed to not want to interact with you. You did know of your connection, you would silently and carefully go through the Doctor's projects and had come across the plans that he used to create you. You longed to connect with him knowing he was possibly the only being you could ever relate to, but he refused to come close to you.

Unbeknownst to you he was actually quite protective of you. He had once heard some fatui members talking about you in a rather provocative way and it didn't sit right with him, he couldn't ignore it no matter how hard he tried. He didn't kill the morons, but he did make sure they'd never utter another word about you or to you. He didn't need to warn anyone else as the word spread around quite quick.

He would face stupid comments from the people he was supposed to acknowledge as colleagues, but he didn't respond to them. The next day he found you standing behind his door with a gentle smile and a nod. He had never seen you smile before, or been this close to you - his chest filled with unexpected warmth from the small interaction... You said nothing before leaving him standing puzzled in his doorway. You didn't need to say anything for him to understand what you meant. That was the beauty of your connection, you could understand each other so easily without the traditional need to say anything.

He later wandered out to the courtyard out of instinct and found you there once again gazing at the sky. This time though, he couldn't help but approach you. He didn't even know why or what he was going to say or do, but he still kept going. His steps caused the snow to crunch beneath his feet, alerting you to him. You curiously turned around to watch as he approached...

A/N: Not proofread lol

[diminuel]

Thoughts on your thing with Crocodile not experiencing anxiety or rather comments? I don't know!

Anyway. In being trans you experience, typically, gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. Some trans ppl don't experience heavy dysphoria or experience it only about certain things. Like for a while I got weirdly dysphoric about my nail shape, but I was fine wearing skirts and makeup and not binding. But. Euphoria! It's a thing you experience in being trans. I guess what I mean.

For me, I always had an off feeling, but not much dysphoria. When I was recognized by he/him and male, though, I felt this incredible "high," I guess. As you said, Crocodile doesn't much experience dysphoria, but, I infer, he does feel euphoria. Thus, if what you were asking when you asked for thoughts was, is this how this works/is this somewhat accurate. The answer is that it is an accurate rep for sone trans people! I dont tend to see this way of being trans a lot in media. Anyway, i know you asked for thoughts, and I just really like how you've gone about showing Crocodile so far! And, it's rep i dont see of myself often. :D And sorry if this was a bit long.😭 I'm just excited to see my kinda of tranness being represented cause in media it's largely absolute dysphoria and self-hatred. Anyway, thank you, and even if/when you stop drawing this series or branch out, keep up the awesome work! I love your art a lot. You've got me seriously considering starting supernatural -3-

Thank you for your input! ♥♥

As you said, I think there are many different stories you can tell about trans characters and maybe the way I'm doing Crocodile isn't great for everyone, but if it resonates with some people that makes me happy~

I also just really like doing explorations of concepts of being a woman/ mother in particular worlds, how those ideas can or must be rejected, when there's space to embrace them, etc etc. I think an exploration of Crocodile where the change to male wasn't motivated entirely because of gender identity, but other things, such as the discomfort and danger of being a woman out on the sea as compared to the danger of being a man out on the sea etc etc, is also interesting. Though I don't know if that would still be a trans!Crocodile exploration and not rather just a female!Crocodile one?

P.S Yes, watch Supernatural, I can only recommend it! It's of course an entirely different genre, but it's really interesting. It was the first TV show I really watched and got into fandom for that wasn't anime >w<

And after One Piece with its over 1000 chapters and episodes, you are well equipped to get through 15 seasons of Supernatural ;D

[everythingwasnormalhere]

i don't really wanna do much today so...

what about an analysis of I've Got You, Brother because i wanna rant about it >:3

(i've been thinking about all this a lot since I wrote it lol)

huge spoilers under the cut so please i beg you don't read it till you've finished the fic ;w;

probably the first scene of this fic i thought while knowing i wanted it to appear in it, was the scene after lucas' funeral. a while before that i already had the headcanon of kevin giving kenny that red scarf of his, but that scene, unlike this one, wasn't fully developed when i daydreamed it.

my kenny, slv kenny, has a lot of trauma as a kid, trauma that shapes his personality later on. yet, he's learned he needs to suck it up, not tell anyone - mainly because his uncle taught him so. lucas was gay indeed, stuart got that one right at least, but after he did what he did to kevin, he decided it was too dangerous. kevin would snitch, surely, he was old enough to know it was wrong, he had proven this. kenny was not.

"never tell anyone about this", he had promised, and so kenny never really specified it - loyalty, fear, who knew. but he couldn't help to take kevin's word that lucas was gone, and maybe that's why he slipped. kevin never asked any more questions, kenny never gave him any more answers.

(Brother by Kodaline - the song this fic took its title from - just started playing, and that is incredibly fitting XD)

"“You look like shit” Kenny pointed out. “You should see the other guy” Kevin smiled, sitting next to Kenny."

a fun fact about this scene, is that i thought of it before anything else in this fanfic, yet with a different theme. i was feeling pretty dysphoric, my parents were being transphobic assholes, nothing new, and i said "why not project this onto kenny?". in the original scenario, kenny would come out to his father, or maybe he'd be outed by some reason, and stuart would be no good about it, so kevin would jump in and defend his brother. then, everything would turn out as it does in the fic.

but slv kenny's agab is left ambiguous, and it will stay that way, which makes the original idea lose all its sense. yet, as i wanted to write it and add it to the story, i figured out another thing the fight could've stemmed from, and rolled with it. it being kenny's birthday was just something that came to me as i wrote, but it makes a sensing way for him to receive his parka so all good XD

next scene is probably the closest these two ever went to talking about their feelings. "He wanted me to go with his friends, he didn't want to hang out with me." was a typical occurence by the time they were twelve/thirteen, which is when that happens. kenny had gone to that type of hang outs a few times already, and always felt as if he wasn't welcome there, his presence and his exit equally unnoticed. butters had always the best intention, but are good intentions ever enough? the spot at the rooftop became kenny's favorite place since that night.

kevin isn't too talkative, or at least not slv kevin, but he knows his brother all too well, as shown in the next scene.

i needed it to be from kenny's pov, even if just to show the shock at "Kevin had never hit him sober." - because kevin had hit him drunk, not even just that, but typically kevin was at least a bit tipsy. him being violent yet sober showed the importance of the situation - and also showed how easily kenny would accept kevin becoming stuart 2.0.

it was short before butters ran away from home, and kenny was going through possibly the worst moments of his life till then. it was also the time in which he would kill himself every other day, trying to find a way that stuck. the broship had broken, kenny's home life was as shitty as always, what was the point? "But- Kenny, I can't let you waste your life like that. I'm probably gonna become a poor drunk guy like mom and dad, but you're smart dude. You have a future. Don't throw it away". those words likely saved kenny's life. kevin knows him, but he's too quiet to show it. yet, when he sees his brother in that state? he can't help but try and pull him out of it.

"This was the first time Kevin had seen his brother in weeks" says a lot about the mccormicks, actually. kenny, spending his days out with his friends or stuck in his room. kevin, not coming home until he has to. they had lost each other, grown up enough to stop needing the other as much. yet, kevin's always up to helping kenny out.

their conversation on the couch, just proves how much they really love each other. kenny doesn't really cuddle with anyone besides butters and his siblings, and kevin isn't much of the type to be physically affectionate with pretty much anyone. yet they enjoy being in each other's company, and they trust each other enough for it. "“Fucked him yet?” Kevin half joked." also shows how much kevin really knows his brother - even after they're not that in touch, he's noticed how close butters and kenny really are. he's also proving to kenny how he will not judge, allowing him to open up if he ever wants to, without fearing a reaction like the one their parents would likely have.

("“I love you”, is what Kevin would've said were he more vocal about his feelings. But he wasn't, so he took a sip of his beer and turned up the volume.". fun fact, they never said they love each other, and now you're forced to live with this information :3)

"“Showed up when I died, haven't left ever since” Kenny nonchalantly said, and Kevin shrugged it off". I don't have much to say about this scene, but fuck me if kenny isn't like this. he's sincere with kevin, yet aware he won't be believed, so he doesn't really press it. kevin, meanwhile, is used to his brother saying stuff like that. if kenny had ever told kevin about his curse? i like to believe kevin wouldn't have hesitated to believe everything about it.

aaand we're at the final arc of igyb!!

(after i took a tiny doomscrolling break bc fingers hurt smh)

i think i should first talk about why i did what i did. and that is, killing kevin off.

you see, in most stories and universes where kevin dies, he does it heroically. saving his siblings from their parents' wrath, getting in the way of a gunshot, taking part in a fight - he dies a hero. that's not how real life works. people just... die. without a warning. without a reason. one day they're there, the next they're gone forever.

kenny thought he understood death, mostly after having died so often, but he didn't. kevin's death, it made him realize people just leave forever, not giving any warning, not saying goodbye. human life is such a fragile thing, and he won't waste his stuck in the shithole of a town south park is. he's terrified of losing his friends the way he lost kevin, he's terrified of permanently dying with nobody to remember him.

he was lucky laura offered to take karen in, because otherwise, he probably would have stayed. but he knows, she'd be kept safe, and most importantly, away from their parents.

and, kenny?

he is going to live.

[icy-cold-bitch-latte]

How the Sides would comfort a trans reader who's feeling dysphoric

A/N: this is gender neutral so it can be read by any of my fellow trans peeps who's dysphoria has got them feeling down ✌✌

Warnings: talk of dysphoria, Remus in general lol

Patton

Patton gives you all the hugs, kisses and cuddles ever in order to cheer you up

He's very proud that you decided to tell him how you feel rather than bottling it up because he knows from personal experience that repressing your emotions does nothing but makes things worse

He's not the best at cooking but if you have a favorite go to comfort food that makes you feel better then for you he'll definitely try

He ends up wrapping you up in a ton of blankets and pillows and just lays with you on the couch for awhile

Roman

At first, Roman vows to vanquish the beast that's upsetting you...until he realizes it's not a physical threat you're facing, but a mental one

He tries to take your mind off it by telling you stories of his daring adventures, or by putting on your favorite Disney movie, whichever you prefer

He'll call you an enormous plethora of gender affirming pet names until you're basically begging him to stop, and even then he still refuses until you cave and admit what he always believed, that you're perfect in every way

Logan

Logan uses logistics to combat your insecurities by reassuring you that nobody has the power to tell you what gender you are or aren't, regardless of how you present

He makes to sure look up plenty of coping mechanisms and suggestions for how to deal with dysphoria ahead of time so he has ample knowledge and understanding for how to make you feel better

Not the best at comforting you if you happen to get emotional but he might give you a hug or something if it's clear you need one

Virgil

As a conscious being made up of anxiety, Virgil notices your panic and distress as soon as he sets foot in the same room as you (that's probably what urged him to seek you out in the first place tbh)

When you panic, he panics, but he tries to keep it together so you won't notice and get even more upset

He has several tried and true methods that always work to calm people down, so once that happens and you can explain to him what's up he understands almost immediately

If you want to talk about it, great, if not he's content to just listen to music with you and hang out until you feel better

Janus

You being upset, especially over a topic that's so serious, is not something Janus takes lightly

It may appear as though he doesn't care all that much at first due to his stoic expressions, but that's just because he's trying to think of the right thing to say

He may be the literal physical embodiment of deceit, but if you're upset he'll try his best to be honest with you about how much he cares

Brings out all six of his arms so you can have the most amount of cuddles and physical affection all at once

Remus

Remus's comforting skills leave a lot to be desired, so unless you can deal with him making the most random outrageous sex jokes in an effort to cheer you up it's probably best that you just spend some time alone for a bit

He's incredibly clingy however so it won't be long before he comes begging to you for attention, on literal hands and knees might I add

If you do let him stay with you when you're upset you should make it clear to him you're not in any sort of mood to deal with his shenanigans

He'll actually listen for once and the two of you end up pranking the other sides together until you eventually get bored and decide to watch some horror movies instead

~

Sanders Sides masterlist | 🏷 taglist: @iloveentrapta @feralwenis

[evebsreviews]

Wandering Son - 2002

Where do i start?

Takako Shimura’s 'Wandering Son' is beautiful manga that tackles growing up as a trans kid. The story follows Shuichi Nitori as he goes through life and experiences various feeling of gender dysphoria. As someone who is somewhat transgender, this manga hit incredibly close to home, and if you are trans yourself i cannot recommend this manga more. I'll nudge you to check the manga out before reading this review, as it will have some spoilers. You can read it free on mangadex.

Now, without further adieu, let’s get into what makes this manga so good.

First, I want to compliment Takako Shimura’s artstyle. Scenes often have no background, and if they do, it’s very simplistic. This places more focus on the characters, which of course are the main driving force of manga such as this. I also love the watercolor covers for each volume; their design expands on the cozy vibe of the manga.

Speaking of the vibe, 'Wandering Son' beautifully depicts how it feels to be a young trans person. Although it may be a bit rose-tinted, it’s still outstanding for being written by a cis woman. Shuichi is often depicted pondering his gender identity at night and we see him become slowly more dysphoric as he matures.

Of course Shuichi is not the only lead. Yoshino Takatsuki takes the role of a deuteragonist early on, and is unfortunately slightly phased out of the spotlight later on. She is the transmasc to Shuichi’s transfem, but unlike Shuichi, she doesn't remain trans for the entire story. This kind of feels like a copout, because she outwardly presents masculine for years and even wishes she had a penis at one point, but I'm not going to pretend like that never happens to people. Gender identity can shift over time and it’s important to have a depction of that.

Now, despite the praise I've given this manga, it definitely has flaws.

In chapter 12, Takatsuki gets sexually assaulted by an adult, which is very out of place and sudden in a manga like this. This never gets adressed again and the character who assaulted her never has any consequences.

Shuichi’s partner, Anna, ends up very underutilized in the grand scheme of things, which is sad, as i think her character is one of the most interesting ones in the manga. Despite that, her indifference to Shuichi’s transness is what leads to one of the most impactful panels (at least to me) in the last chapter.

This panel hits you like a brick by the end. The last chapter focuses on Shuichi detailing his experience throughout the manga through his eyes. We are shown the good and bad, everything that has happened to him so far. And right at the end, we see him finally come out as transgender to Anna. Her reaction is of pure acceptance, all she asks him is “Does that mean I'll be a lesbian?” showing that no matter what, she still loves him.

'Wandering Son' has become one of my all-time favourite manga since i’ve read it and it’s a huge shame that Takako Shimura’s work is severely underrated. Regardless of it’s flaws, i think it’s one of the best manga depictions of transgender themes i’ve read. If you still haven’t read it (despite my suggestion in the opening) i genuinely think you should at least give it a try.

And with that, my first review comes to a close. Hope you liked reading it! The next one will be up at some point, i’m planning on doing one of evangelion but if you have suggestions, submit them! I'll at least try to look over any suggestions.

[cenobittten]

Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime - Theory

Yes, I said it. Ollie is one of the most tragic characters in Poppy Playtime, even above Poppy. And that’s because he isn’t the Prototype, he’s a traumatised toy with a desire for revenge. 

Let’s backtrack for a second.

I believe that Ollie is an unseen ally, as opposed to the double-crossing villain many believe him to be. Given that Poppy hates the Prototype, it would make no sense for her to work with Ollie or speak so highly of him if he was working with the Prototype. Her dialogue lends itself to the idea that she knows him personally. After all, she credits Ollie with finding the player character so unless he’s betraying Poppy, it makes more sense for him to be friendly.

But if he’s friendly, who is he? 

Judging by the voice we hear, the first conclusion we might leap to is that he is a child. After all, his voice sounds young and high pitched. However, this idea does not hold up to scrutiny. The last orphan would have entered sometime before the Hour of Joy 1995. At least 10 years have passed since that point meaning that any orphan old enough to survive the fall would have grown up to at least puberty by the time of the games.  

So how is Ollie alive? Well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he has to be a toy. We know already that toys like Poppy can survive with no food or other sustenance, which means this tracks. (After all, Poppy was locked in a closet until the player character got there)

Some other evidence: It’s also possible that Ollie is the voice over character on the trailer for Project Playtime Forsaken phase. In this, the voice suggests they are just a ‘Wayward toy’.

However, why does Ollie sound like a child still? Well, the answer here relies on biology. Given the difference in size between a child and a typical non-BBI toy, it’s safe to say that not all organs are transferred during the toy creation process. Therefore, it’s possible that Ollie’s new body lacks the hormonal and pituitary systems required to trigger puberty and his voice lowering. 

So what makes him the most tragic character? Well, to figure that out, we have to consider the life he must have lived. After finding himself orphaned, Ollie was sent to live an isolated life in the Playcare facility. Living underground, he was deprived of sunlight and contact with the outside world and, via the Red Smoke, was subjected to horrific nightmares every night. Then one day he was selected for the experiments, likely experiencing incredibly painful and dysphoric symptoms as he adapted to his new body. He began life as a toy, aging and gaining experience but his vocabulary stilted by his lack of exposure to the outside world. Yet, that wasn’t the end of his troubles. Just when you thought things couldn’t get anymore nightmarish, the Hour of Joy came. The toys rebelled, vanquishing the humans who controlled them. Yet the joy was short lived. The factory descended into chaos, with many toys turning on each other as food became more scarce. Over time, many of the toys let their feral instincts take over, becoming beast-like predators with little semblance of humanity left.

But not Ollie.

Ollie managed to resist the urge to let his hunger take reign, instead searching the factory to find other souls who, like him, wanted to get revenge on the prototype and those who made him what he was. He joined the resistance, teaming up with Poppy and Kissy to seek out one of - if not the only - living employees left to enact their plans. And then, I suspect he worked within the security office watching the cameras, helping the protagonist to make his way through the factory. 

So, if Ollie is a toy, he’s a freaking badass one. 

[fandomblr]

T4T Kiliel Headcanons

Trans! Kili Headcanons

Kili knew he was trans during his early teens and came out to his family, all which were extremely supportive. He realized he was trans since AFAB dwarves often get read as male due to their facial hair, and found that he was so happy when people thought he was a boy, and then he realized he IS a boy!

Dís was extremely proud of him when he came out and made him his first binder. When he told her she shouted to the rooftops, “THANK DURIN, I HAVE TWO SONS NOW!!!”

Fili was OVERJOYED since he had always wanted a brother. He becomes extremely protective of him, and he and Thorin will fight anyone that is transphobic to him and misgenders or deadnames him.

Having a queer family member (Thorin) was extremely helpful since Thorin had an idea of what Kili was going through as a queer person himself (although he obviously can only understand so much as a gay cis man), so his uncle takes it upon himself to be the one to educate everyone on trans issues and on how it’s so important that everyone uses Kili’s correct name and pronouns.

Contrary to popular belief, he is not on testosterone and doesn’t want to go on it. AFAB dwarves already have higher levels of testosterone than non-dwarf AFAB people, so he can easily grow his facial hair and his voice is kind of androgynous, which he is okay with.

He’s non-dysphoric, so he doesn’t feel the need to medically transition at all, but everyone in his family and in Thorin and Co sees him as the man he is regardless.

He binds on certain occasions, and when he does he binds safely and never binds for more than 8 hours a day, and makes sure to not bind while he is in battle or doing any sort of strenuous physical activity that could hurt him while binding.

Again, Kili is non-dysphoric so he doesn’t want top surgery. He gets euphoria from how his chest looks like when he binds but he is okay with his unbound chest too. Besides, top surgery involves recovery time which he doesn’t have as he’s constantly fighting orcs and is on the move ever since the dwarves lost their home in Erebor.

He LOVES to pack. He doesn’t have bottom dysphoria but he gets euphoria from packing, which he does a lot. His prosthetic packers are made by other dwarves so they are incredibly realistic and let’s just say they do their job pretty well. He also likes his packers to be really creative and come in a bunch of funky colors and designs, and he prides himself in that since that’s something that cis men won’t ever get to experience

Al of his community and the dwarves around him are supportive of his gender, the only transphobia he could ever face would be from non-dwarves, but that rarely happens since Thorin and Fili have a reputation of stabbing people that are transphobic to Kili.

He’s very openly trans. He doesn’t want to go stealth and he proudly wears the colors of the trans flag whenever he can. Dís always makes sure to knit him trans pride stuff. He loves being trans and would never want to be cis.

His gender presentation is pretty masc, but he likes dressing in an androgynous way sometimes. Every once in a while he’ll also want to try the pretty boy aesthetic and paint his nails and wear makeup more feminine clothing such as dresses and skirts, but in his day to day he is mostly masculine.

There are definitely more trans and non-binary dwarves, but he doesn’t know them very well, since the ones that he knows of live in the Iron Hills with Dáin, so he’s only ever heard of them.

He passes pretty well when he binds, but like I said he doesn’t bind all the time since he’s constantly fighting orcs and doing strenuous physical activity. So he only passes when he binds, and that’s okay with him. He knows he doesn’t need to pass to be valid, and he always corrects people when they misgender him. He wishes he would get read as male more often even when he doesn’t bind though, but being misgendered doesn’t give him social dysphoria (although it is certainly annoying).

Kili is a straight trans man, he’s only into women, but there were not a lot of dwarf women around him besides Dís (his mom) when he was growing up so he never really got the chance to date until he met Tauriel.

Trans! Tauriel Headcanons

Unlike Kili, Tauriel didn’t realize she was trans until she was well into adulthood. Similarly to Kili, she realized she was trans when mortal men gendered her as female, and realized that being read as female felt so much better than being read as male. But even after she realized she was trans, she spent a long time trying to repress her transness.

All of that changed when she met Legolas and became his friend. Legolas is agender (they use any pronouns but don’t mind when people call use he/him for her), and he taught her that there was nothing wrong with who she is.

Tauriel had a rough childhood. Her parents were killed by orcs so she was on her own until she met Legolas, and Thranduil basically took her in as his adoptive daughter. That’s why Legolas says that he would forgive her if she came back after helping the dwarves.

Although Thranduil did not approve of her as a partner for Legolas, that does not mean he does not respect her. Having a trans kid himself, Thranduil knows how important it is to be a trans ally. He’s also very very gay for Bard, so like Thorin he has experience with the queer community and educates his subjects on trans and non-binary issues. He does not tolerate any transphobia towards her, and he banishes any elf that purposefully misgenders or deadnames her.

Also, Thranduil was DEFINITELY wrong about Legolas and Tauriel ever being a thing. They’re pretty much siblings in every sense of the word, and have never been romantically interested in each other. Plus, since Tauriel is kind of Thranduil’s adopted daughter, that would be incest so no thanks. That’s precisely why Thranduil was so against them as a couple.

At first she identified as non-binary, but as she kept talking with Legolas about gender she realized that she’s a binary trans woman.

Legolas was obviously the one that helped her with her transition since she knew what it was like to question their gender and explore gender presentation. They helped her get feminine clothes, tested out pronouns and names for her, got her breast forms, and talked to her about trans and non-binary issues.

AMAB elves are already pretty androgynous due to their long hair, so that was certainly an advantage to Tauriel’s transition. Sometimes people (especially mortals from Lake Town) had a hard time figuring out her gender before she transitioned, and now that she presents more femininely these mortals are even more confused about her gender, as she looks very androgynous. She doesn’t mind and sometimes finds it amusing when she confuses them, although she does wish she would get read as female more often.

While Kili is non-dysphoric, Tauriel is EXTREMELY dysphoric. Looking back at it, her dysphoria was always there even before she knew she was trans. She just thought that everyone felt like she did. But her dysphoria continued to get worse over the years, and once she realized she’s a woman it actually increased.

That’s why Tauriel had FFS, or facial feminization surgery, (since elves are skilled healers after all, so they would know all about gender affirming surgeries). She has also been on estrogen for about a 100 years. Her dysphoria is a lot better now because of it, but she still has some body and social dysphoria.

At the start of her transition she felt like she needed to be hyperfeminine and overcompensate for her transness. She felt like she was never “female enough” and since she came out later in life, a lot of elves around her would accidentally misgender her and that really hurt her since she has social dysphoria. That made her feel like she had “failed” at being a woman.

Legolas had to explain to her that she hadn’t “failed” at anything, and that other people’s perception of her does not define her. Still, he would ALWAYS correct people when they misgendered her, and anyone that is transphobic to her faces their wrath (and arrows!)

They also told her that she didn’t have to be hyperfeminine to be valid. After Legolas explained this, she became more comfortable not being hyperfeminine 24/7. That’s why her gender presentation today is very fluid. She can be very feminine in some days, dress more androgynously in others, and sometimes she can even present more masculinely.

Legolas has helped her voice train for hundreds of years, so she’s a master at it. That’s why her normal voice today is pretty high pitched and similar to a cis woman’s. However, she can still speak in a deep voice if she wants, and on certain occasions she will use it to surprise people, especially when she needs to startle and distract orcs and giant spiders.

She refuses to tuck even though she has bottom dysphoria. Legolas taught her how to tuck once but it was extremely uncomfortable for her so she never did it again. Besides, she’s not okay with the possible risks tucking can have.

She doesn’t know if she wants bottom surgery or not. It would help her dysphoria, but she’s afraid of how the recovery may go and what the results will look like. And again, surgeries include recovery time and she’s captain of the guard and there are a lot more orcs and spiders to fight than earlier when she had FFS. Although Thranduil and Legolas would 100% support her if she chose to have the surgery and would cover for her in her job, she still feels an obligation to Mirkwood and would not want to take that much time off. So she’s thinking about it. Which is fine, considering she’s an immortal and has all the time in the world.

Pretty much everyone in Mirkwood knows she’s trans since she came out later in life, so it’s nearly impossible for her to be stealth there. However, she does like to go stealth whenever she’s around people that only know her after her transition, and she goes stealth whenever she’s in Lake Town since she transitioned before the mortals there were even born.

Elves have a very accepting attitude towards trans, non-binary, and gender diverse people since most of them are already androgynous. That’s why Mirkwood has a vibrant queer, trans, and non-binary community, so she knows several other trans and non-binary people besides her and Legolas. She feels at home in her community.

Tauriel practically faces no transphobia in Mirkwood at all, considering how Thranduil would banish anyone that disrespected her and Legolas would most likely shoot arrows through them.

However, she has faced a lot of transphobia when she is around Lake Town. The mortals are not as enlightened as elves when it comes to gender stuff, and so many mortal men will purposefully misgender her or not trust her when she says she’s female. She used to get this a lot when she was at the beginning of her transition. She still gets transphobia every once in a while, but not as much now that she has transitioned.

Tauriel never had time for dating since she’s been very busy as captain of the guard. She doesn’t label her sexuality though, as she doesn’t really think about the gender of the people she would date if she wasn’t with Kili. That’s why she jokingly refers to herself as “Kilisexual.”

T4T Kiliel Couple Headcanons

They obviously immediately bonded over being trans, and seeing Tauriel as a visibly out trans woman meant the WORLD to Kili considering that she was the first trans person he’d ever met.

Tauriel actually made Kili have a sexuality crisis for a second, since she is very androgynous and he wasn’t 100% sure if she was indeed a woman. Of course, that other androgynous elf in Rivendell that he said “isn’t that bad” didn’t help this crisis either. But once he confirmed that Tauriel is female, the sexuality crisis was averted and he was sure once again that he is straight.

Tauriel used to hate being trans for a long time. She would envy a lot of her cis female elf friends and wish she could be cis too. She would often tell Legolas that she would give anything to be cis, so she could feel like a “real girl.” Legolas explained to her that that is internalized transphobia, but she couldn’t help how she felt. However, all of that changed when she met Kili.

Seeing Kili be so happy as an out and proud trans man made her realize that being trans isn’t just pain and suffering. She already knew that there are trans people that are happy being trans and loved that about themselves thanks to Legolas, but she couldn’t imagine ever being that way.

Kili helped her be proud as a trans woman, something that she had never felt before. He helped her realize that she is beautiful BECAUSE of her transness and not in spite of it. She had felt ashamed about being trans for so long, but that shame went away after she hung out with Kili during his imprisonment. He taught her that she IS a real girl, and that no one but her can tell her what her gender is.

He also helped her unlock gender euphoria. Tauriel’s trans experience had mostly revolved around her dysphoria, while Kili’s had revolved around his euphoria. One way he did that was by dancing and spinning her around so her skirts would soar in the air. This gives her so much euphoria, and it’s something Tauriel will never forget.

Tauriel teaches Kili how to voice train with the help of transmasc elves in her community so he can make his voice a little deeper since he’s not on testosterone. They voice train together!

Together they discover trans joy and trans love. For instance, she will compliment his packers and he will endlessly woo her about how she is so beautiful that she walks in starlight.

They go to pride together! They go to the pride parades in Erebor and Mirkwood, and when Bard starts the first Lake Town pride they go there too. They also go to the pride Bilbo and Thorin organize every year in the shire.

Thanks to Kili, Tauriel now wears her trans colors proudly. She only does that in Mirkwood, since like I already said she wants to go stealth when she’s outside of it. Kili respects that decision 100%. And Dís always knits her stuff with the trans flag as well.

They do their makeup and paint their nails together too! Tauriel will do his makeup and nails when he has his pretty boy days, and Kili loves to help her with hers when she presents femininely.

Although Kili doesn’t relate to Tauriel’s dysphoria since he doesn’t have it, he is always there for her when dysphoria gets her down. He reminds her of how beautiful she is and affirms her gender constantly. Tauriel also affirms his gender all the time.

Also, Kili never dies, PERIOD. No dying is allowed here. Thorin and Fili also don’t die either, and Bard takes limpë and becomes immortal because I ship Barduil and I make the rules.

Ultimately, they both have very different trans experiences. Kili is non-dysphoric, came out earlier in his life, didn’t know a lot of trans people, hasn’t faced a lot of transphobia, doesn’t want to go stealth, and is not transitioning medically, while Tauriel is dysphoric, came out later in life, has been in community with other trans people, has faced a lot of transphobia, goes stealth when she can, and has medically transitioned. However, they both respect each other’s trans journeys and acknowledge that even though they have different experiences, they are both still trans enough and 100% trans. Because transness isn’t a monolith, and there is no one way to be trans.

[risetherivermoon]

a tad late for it, but have a bunch of different marauders trans hcs for our visibility day coming from a trans marauders fan!

(not technically all connected but they can be if you want lol)

--- (Gender fluid Sirius)

Sirius started hanging out with the girls more at one point which ended up sparking their interest in makeup and nail polish, she'd always been interested in fashion stuff but Marlene was the one who taught him how to get that certain punk look with her eye makeup,

--- (Trans ftm James)

When James came out as trans to the other marauders, they all realized why he was so excited to find out that his animagus and patronus is a stag and not a doe

--- (Trans ftm Regulus)

Regulus loses a bet with Barty and Evan and has to wear one of Dorcas' dresses to a house party, and they all find out he's incredibly good at walking in heels, because he had to wear fancy dresses and stuff when he was younger

--- (Trans masc Remus, Trans fem Lily)

Lily and Remus both are trans (in different directions) and the two of them trade old clothes because of it

--- (Trans ftm Peter)

Peter helps Sirius use curlers for the first time because he used to curl his long hair all the time before transitioning

--- (Trans ftm Evan)

Evan taught Barty how to use eyeliner and lipstick because he asked for a party, Barty ends up asking him to do his makeup repeatedly afterwards even though he knows how because he likes how delicate Evan does it

--- (Trans mtf Pandora)

Pandora and Evan were identical twins, but since Pandora transitioned they tell people they're fraternal

--- (Trans mtf Sirius)

Mary, Lily, Marlene, Pandora, and Dorcas all have girl spa nights, they start inviting Sirius after she comes out too!

--- (Trans ftm Regulus)

Sirius helps Regulus cut his hair after he comes out to him, he also gets a tattoo of the Leo constellation with the Regulus star dotted on his arm later too,

--- (Trans mtf Mary)

Mary rarely ever wore heels because her height made her feel dysphoric, but Lily buys her a cute pair of red heels that she absolutely adores, and she slowly gets over the insecurity

--- (Trans ftm Remus)

After Remus comes out to Sirius, they kiss and Sirius says that it's their first kiss. Remus asks what he means, and Sirius says that he finally kissed the real him, so the ones before didn't count

--- (Trans masc Regulus)

Sirius designs a cool snake tattoo to go over Regulus' top surgery scars,

--- (Trans masc James & Regulus)

James and Regulus accidentally come out at the same time as trans, later, they find it hilarious

--- (Trans mtf Dorcas)

Dorcas was overly happy the year when she came back to Hogwarts after coming out when she was allowed to be let into the Girls dorms, it felt like she was finally being accepted as the real her

--- (Trans ftm James)

James was terrified to come out to his parents as trans, but when he did all three of them cried and hugged eachother while smiling. Later, James uses this as one of his happy memories when casting his patronus

--- (Gender Fluid Sirius)

When Sirius came out to Effie and Monty, they hugged them and told him that they would never think anything different of her, that Sirius was still as much as their child as James was, Sirius cried happily that night

--- (Trans ftm Remus)

Sirius learns how to knit so he can make sweaters for Remus that are more baggy since a lot of the ones he has are getting too small, and Remus prefers baggy clothes because of dysphoria, Sirius gives them to Remus on his birthday and Remus almost cries

---

Thats all i have for now, tell me if yall want more lol

[princesscolumbia]

I just experienced my worst dysphoric episode since the pandemic, possibly ever.

I grew up in Colorado with my sister. Both my parents experienced auto accidents and we wound up in the care of a woman who we would nowadays call a TERF. She'd manipulated damn near everyone and made my life absolute CPTSD-inducing hell and I got out at 17, but she burned it into me that being a 'tranny' was the worst thing I could ever be and I was going to be raping children before I knew it if I didn't get it under control. This bitch scarred me so bad I didn't even investigate if she might be wrong for a decade.

I wound up moving in with my dad when I was 17 and this meant going to California to live. Thanks to the greater access to support and information in San Diego (by coincidence, I wound up moving in just down the road from the San Diego LGBT Center), I learned that damn near everything I had been told by my stepmother was wrong. It still took a very long time before I started my transition, though, and by that point I'd moved to Arizona (Phoenix, specifically), and started transitioning right after a painful and traumatic divorce.

I had met another transwoman online and she moved out to join me to get me through the most intensely painful and traumatic period of my life since getting out of my stepmother's place. After we'd settled into our own apartment, my girlfriend started noticing behaviors where I'd take on too much responsibility, was unable to tell her 'no' even when I needed to, I'd go out of my way to keep her happy even at the expense of my own health and well-being, and I'd work myself into exhaustion repeatedly. She had to bodily pick me up when I'd pushed myself in workouts to the point I couldn't get up off the floor. She put her foot down and started getting me help, as well as making sure I didn't self-sabotage and enjoying hobbies that break me out of my routine. (She got me a subscription to a model kit to build, which isn't something that happens every day and forces me to step away from the computer and my chores and work for a bit at least once a month)

I'm nowhere near perfect by this point, but when I returned to Colorado to spend time with family for the first time in a couple decades, I saw all my own self-destructive habits in my sister, who has a wonderful husband who does his best but I can see it's a struggle for both of them.

My whole family is doing their best to accept my transition, but they struggle not to say "he" or "him," and they almost always correct themselves, but it's just a little paper-cut that's been building for days now.

Today we went to my niece's school play (Madagascar adapted to a musical for children, it was adorable) and I was suddenly feeling incredibly self-aware. I felt like every eye was on me and I realized I needed to use the bathroom but now I didn't dare because I wasn't wearing makeup and except for family (who've been having issues with it) I haven't been correctly gendered once since I got here there was a cop circulating among the crowd of kids and their parents and I just knew I was going to be arrested just for existing in public while trans and I was the tallest person there and everyone could see me...

I was able to lose myself in the performance, keep my eyes on the kids and just enjoy it as much as possible, but the dysphoria was grinding away in my awareness, right on the edges, and as soon as the house lights in the theater came up, I headed for the door...where the cast of the play and half their parents were gathered to greet the patrons. I had to walk through a gauntlet of people who would be looking at my face at least once.

I walked and walked and walked in a straight line until I was out of the building and hit a wall and just stopped. My daughter was dutifully following, and I was trying my best to get it under control when my mom came up and asked if she could help and I just...broke. I cried on her shoulder for the first time since my divorce (before I started transitioning) and she had no idea what was wrong.

I was crying all the way back to my sister's place.

After we got back to the house and got some lunch in us, mom and I sat down and I explained about dysphoria in general and that moment in particular. My sister hasn't gotten home yet, but apparently she and mom were talking and (I should have known, I do the exact same thing) she had the thought that I was mad at her.

So I get to have another conversation (hopefully private) when she's finally back.

[golden--doodler]

if you ever wanted to share genderfluid gene headcanons i would like to hear them 👀👀

Oh my gosh thank you 😭

I would absolutely love to share some Genderfluid headcanons about my baby boy!

--I like to think that when he's older and figured out his identity, his pronouns might be He/She/They :3 (idk, I just get that kind of vibe from him).

--This is basically canon already, but he adores dresses, way more than suits. He only ever tolerates wearing men's formal wear. Really, the only time he actually enjoyed wearing one was when he was playing Hans Gruber in Work Hard Or Die Trying, Girl. He definitely believes that dresses make women look more powerful than suits make men look more powerful. And he thinks they have so much more variety. He threw a fit once when Bob and Linda tried to make him wear a suit to a fancy event, and he didn't feel like tolerating masculinity/gender norms that night. So, they compromised, and he wore a fancy black shirt with a bowtie on top and a long black skirt. People stared, and most likely made fun in secret, but he was very happy.

--I stole this from your Genderfluid Gene fic, but whenever he's feeling dysphoric, Tina and Louise like to tell him he's a secret agent and has to go undercover and pretend to be a boy. It sounds silly, but it really helps him.

--This is honestly kind of ridiculous and silly, but I like to think that one of the earliest memories he had of questioning his gender was when he watched Dora the Explorer when he was really young and he just remembers wanting to be Dora so bad and solving them mysteries 😭 He begged Bob and Linda to let him be Dora that Halloween.

--The way he first figured out the label Genderfluid applied to him was he ended up reading one of Tina's erotic friend fictions that she left on her desk unsupervised one afternoon. She made one of the characters Genderfluid, and the gears just started turning in his brain, and he came to the sudden realization that he felt Genderfluid himself.

--His ultimate dream is to be cast in a female role for a musical. One of his dream roles is Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors. Another one is, of course, Anna of Cleves in Six.

--Whenever he feels Nonbinary, he likes to joke around and say that restrooms are a scam. But no matter what, he absolutely does not enjoy the men's restroom. He always says it's a warzone in there. He's probably never used a urinal in his life, and doesn't plan to. He enjoys stall privacy.

--He's definitely going to want to wear a wedding dress if/when he gets married, and he will look incredible that day. He also always begs to be a bridesmaid/maid of honor whenever he gets invited to someone else's wedding.

--One of the only traditionally masculine things he enjoys is maybe baseball if you could even call that traditionally masculine. He hates playing catch with the ball itself (we all know how playing catch with Bob went) but he really enjoys playing the actual game. He can get quite competitive, especially if he's playing with Tina and Louise.

--Another small, silly thing, but he switches things with Louise all of the time. A canon example is when they switched the bowler hat and flapper feather with each other (very adorable moment). Whenever anyone hands Gene a traditional "boy" thing and Louise a traditional "girl" thing, like colored balloons or anything else of the sort, they always swap, because screw gender norms. It always makes them feel very affirmed. After a while, certain people they know began catching on and giving them gifts they'd prefer more, but most of the time people still get it wrong.

--Building on the above headcanon, one time, an ice cream shop worker accidentally gave him bright pink, cotton candy ice cream, and he deemed it the best dessert moment he's ever had. He even convinced the worker to top it with pink M&Ms.

--Another thing I stole from your Genderfluid Gene fic, but he definitely goes to Tammy for fashion advice after she's warmed up to him somewhat. She even agreed to braid a strand of his hair once, and in return, he helped her paint her nails (he picked up the skill by helping Tina do hers on occasion).

--His favorite show when he was really young was Sofia the First, because of that one episode where they challenged gender roles and gender norms.

[twilight-blaze]

having a lot of weird gender feelings today and needed to get them out. not sure if I'll hit post on this one. messy and disorganized personal thoughts follow

today is a masc-leaning day for me, which has happened before but it's somewhat uncommon

or I thought it was uncommon, anyway. more than once I've realized my gender is more fluid than I'd previously been aware of, and it's entirely possible this is just another case of that, and my hesitation to explore my agab might be making it harder to notice? which is something I'm still trying to unpack; I spent ten years as a trans woman (and some days still consider myself to be one) and having my transness called into question for not being feminine enough and especially for being masculine in any way unfortunately comes with the territory, and that sort of thing sticks with you

and like. the way I've personally conceptualized my gender fluidity for the past year or two is as two separate components: what my gender is at any given point, and how strong that sense of gender is. most of the time nowadays it's usually not very strong (and that can make it hard to know where I am on the gender side of things), but there have been times where I know damn well I want fuck all to do with gender that day, or days where I feel just as strongly about being a woman. there have also been days where I don't have a strong sense of gender but it definitely leans masculine

and as it turns out, there's also days like today, where it's not only a masc-leaning day, but I have a strong sense of gender about it

and that is definitely uncommon for me

I tend to favor a feminine presentation most of the time, even when I'm strongly not feeling any sort of gender, but there have been occasions where that makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric. either I'll wake up and realize I'm not feeling that look that day, or it'll sneak up on me in the middle of the day, or, rather, slowly come on over the course of an hour or two until I finally realize that the sense of discomfort I'm feeling is dysphoria from the skirt I'm wearing or something. (I am not good at recognizing my emotions)

today's definitely the former, where I knew right away, there's just more of it. it wasn't hard to tell at all; in some ways it's a really familiar feeling—I'm well acquainted with dysphoria after all—but I will say it is incredibly strange to be feeling dysphoric about my chest after spending nearly three years on HRT to make me less dysphoric about it. it's happened a few times before, but never intensely like this

masc nicknames usually bother me too, even when my gender isn't particularly feminine, and even on previous masc-leaning days they're more neutral than anything, so my usual request has just been that people don't use them for me at all

today they feel downright euphoric

so I think it's not just a masc-leaning day but a full-on guy day for me. and that's. not something I really know what to think about? because I don't think I've had one of these—or at least I didn't notice it if I did—for literally almost thirteen years. oh, and I would've still thought I was cis at the time. anyway.

but the tricky thing, and this is the part I'm not sure what I do about, is my pronouns and also my name? because like. if I change them again, won't I just want to change them back when my gender feels different again? that said, even what I use right now, both of which were specifically chosen because of a lack of clear gendered associations, doesn't quite feel right.

I've changed my pronouns a lot since I first came out as trans, but I haven't once used he/him since then. out of curiosity I tried that today, while talking about myself in third person, and. it felt fine. felt right, even. it didn't have the same euphoria as, say, the first time I switched pronouns, but it does feel better than xe/xem right now. (which is also weird, because using xe/xem for the first time just clicked in a way pronouns never really had for me before.) and like, I could change my pronouns with the day, or the moment if my gender decides to do something else partway through the day (it wouldn't be the first time), but. that is effort. and it's not like xe/xem feels wrong but actually on second thought, yeah, it kind of does feel wrong. fuck.

and I'm having the same problem with even the gender neutral nickname I've been using, it's just not. I don't fucking know. still mine, not right, doesn't fit the gender

so I've previously changed my name twice (two and a half times, in a way), and both my chosen names were specifically girl names on account of strongly seeing myself as a trans woman at the time, though the second time I had the sense to pick something with a gender-neutral nickname. and then started going solely by that nickname? which was a pretty big clue about some aspects of my gender I still hadn't thought about at the time. but. just like the pronouns, gender neutral doesn't feel right. not today, not with this gender

something does, though, somehow despite the fact that I haven't been okay with that name since before my fucking egg cracked. but I don't think I want to go by that name to other people, even if it does feel right. even if nothing else does. because I know that some point in the future when my gender's different again, I'd hate the idea that more people knew my birth name

there's no good option here, because what else do I do? not go by anything at all today? go by a name that feels off to me when I hear or see it?

apart from the words issues, though, this is really just a whole lot of new flavors of a bunch of thoughts and emotions I know I've had before. am I overthinking things here? almost certainly yes, but that's kind of the point, since this is pretty much just me needing to put a familiar-yet-unfamiliar experience into words so I can get my thoughts straightened out

I think it's helped

anyway, that's where my brain's been at today

[theevilmaninyourcomputer]

I got ma'amed at the mcdonalds drive through a few days ago (like, thanks but I ordered an ice coffee, not a dysphoric breakdown).

There is a false narrative, sorrounding the nature of trans bodies. That I'm a boy in a girl's body. That my body isn't my own. This, at least for me, has always been untrue. My body feels wrong, yes. But it has always been, and always will be mine. This is something I must make peace with.

I try not to resent my body. This has become more and more difficult, I have watched puberty transform my once familiar body into something alien. And still, doubt lingers in the back of my mind. I hate my voice, but I know that once I begin testosterone, I will lose the ability to sing. I'm stuck in this weird twilight zone of uncertainty. Do I dislike my thighs because I'm trans, and because they make it impossible to pass as a guy? Or have I simply been conditioned to take up as little space as possible? Do I dislike my face because it's feminine? Or because I was bullied in middle school?

It is simultaneously ridiculous and alarming that I have been out of the closet for nearly four years, and I still can't decide if I'm actually happier living as a man. Gender is such a performance (for me, at least). I wonder, how much of gender is an act for cis people? I had a girl tell me once that she was content to be a girl, and had no doubts whatsoever. And I don't necessarily think of myself as a man. I've tried to express this before. I can't stand labels. I think they're for other people. They give us the tools to talk about difficult concepts, but they force us into neat boxes, caging us in and allowing us no room for further abstraction. I have chosen the label 'genderfluid,' not because I believe myself to be genderfluid in the traditional sense of the word, but because I believe it is the closest I will get to defining my own constantly shifting gender identity.

I'm often asked about my pronouns (which are, to me, another fucking label). I don't mind she/her pronouns, if they're used in the right way. I'm not a girl, I'm not "femme." If you honestly think of me as a man (or a genderless being) and use she/her pronouns, then it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is getting ma'amed at the mcdonald's drive through, or being lumped in with the girls swim team despite being openly trans. When I medically transition (weirdly enough) I think I'll incorporate she/her back into my pronouns.

I can't stand they/them pronouns, I've never been able to. Which is strange, but to me they don't imply a gender gradient as they are designed to. Rather, they are another box. Similar to the phenomenon of 'nonbinary' entering the mainstream western lexicon as a "3rd gender" when it is actually an umbrella term, much like the obsolete (but mcuh more wonderful) "genderqueer."

He/him pronouns are comfortable. They aren't perfect, but they're fine. They work. I tell my trans friends to use he/him with the express understanding that I am not a man. To cis people, there is no nuance to my identity. I use he/him, I am a man. To many even *this* is a radical (and threatening) concept.

Even if my actual gender identity is...confusing, I know what I want as far as medical transition goes. I personally don't mind answering the "so, have you gotten the surgery?" question. Many genderqueer folks do mind, and that's perfectly reasonable. Cis people range from overly polite to incredibly invasive. In my experience, many 'invasive' cis people don't have bad intentions; they're just curious. Having to educate every other person you come into contact with is exhausting. Still, I try to cut people slack. Sometimes they say shit that isn't meant to be offensive, they simply do not have the language necessary to describe trans identity. Once, someone called me a woman after learning that I was a trans guy. After asking what they meant, I realized that they were talking about my biological sex. They were attempting to use inclusive language, and just...failing miserably. Because they did not have the tools to say what they wanted to. Which is, I suppose, where lables can be useful. She didn't know the terms AMAB or AFAB, why would she? She has never had any cause to dwell on her own gender, and that kind of terminology is really only used in queer circles.

There's no point to this rant. That's it. Uh, labels bad? Except when sometimes good? Idfk.

[clairefoyanttt]

Burnout is becoming a more commonly discussed issue thanks to the pandemic, the shift from remote to in person, etc.

Ten years I would've rolled my eyes at people who were "too lazy to work for their money."

A lot has changed in ten years.

I work for a wonderful company with 5 weeks of PTO, 10 paid holidays, and a hybrid schedule that only requires us in office 2-3 days a week. I have a boss who could give TED talks on leadership and makes even the most difficult conversations positive. Sound ideal? It is. And I'm burnt out anyway.

So, I've decided to blog it since I feel like we hear about it but rarely get to follow the recovery from start to finish.

Therefore, we'll consider this:

The Prologue

I got my first tax paying job at 14 in a local retail shop. As of today, I'm 31 and an Executive Assistant with a multinational corporation. I've done everything from nursing aide to soldier but being an EA fits me best. I love everything about it.

Through no fault of anyone's, however, in the 17 years I've been working, I've never worked the same job, in the same company/department, with the same boss for more than 12 months. That wouldn't be terrible, except my job is based on my department AND my boss, and at the end of every year since I started at my current job in 2019, I've either gotten a new boss or a new department every single December.

Anyone who has been working long enough will tell you this: the first three months, you'll feel like you're drowning, at six months you'll feel fairly confident in what your role is, and at a year you feel competent at your job. Now imagine hitting competency and having to throw it all away and learn an entirely new job every year.

However I've done it every year so I was kind of used to it. So what made this time different?

First, I had a kid. He's a full blown toddler now which means, if he's sent home, he asks for things, gets into things, is nearly impossible to contain, and also requires a LOT of energy to chase after even on days when he is in daycare. Result? My spoons are lower for work than they had been pre-motherhood.

Second, the boss I'd shared my longest EA partnership with gave notice without warning me. I knew he'd been interviewing internally but was blindsided to know he'd interviewed and accepted a position outside the company. It hurt. He was hands down the best boss I've ever had, so incredibly supportive of the new working mom struggle, so for him to leave with no warning was my breaking point.

Third, medical medical. I have been dealing with a new ADHD diagnosis, physical therapy, genetic testing, and a neverending string of colds and bugs from my child. My child has had ear infections, pink eye, the flu, a sleep regression, and more all in the last 8 weeks. My husband is physically disabled due to degenerative disk disease and abruptly got worse when his vertebrae started pinching a major nerve meaning his ability to help with the kid or around the house is limited, and is zero on bad back days.

Sooooo after thinking my ADHD was medication resistant, thinking I had pre menstrual dysphoric disorder, depression, GAD, etc. I took a self test for burnout. And another. And five more after that. Every single one had me at the deepest level of burnout.

What does that feel like?

For me, I felt my body inching towards an anxiety attack whenever I thought about work. I knew I had tasks to do but could not mentally get the energy to do it until someone needed it. I have tons of coping mechanisms for executive dysfunction thanks to having ADHD, the timer method is a favorite, but even that wasn't working. Even if I got started, it's like my mind would do whatever it could to distract me from working on the task I needed to do.

At night, I would struggle to sleep because I'd be berating myself for how little I accomplished during the day.

I started gratitude journaling, meditating, eating better, moving more, socializing more, all the things I know help with depression. And I saw improvements at home during my off hours but as soon as I logged into work, I was right back to the frozen dread.

It got to the point where I was trying to find other jobs but knew that it might ruin my career if I couldn't perform and this problem (which I didn't realize was burnout at the time) carried into my next job. I started budgeting and trying to see if I could be a stay at home mom, work part-time, anything.

Once I realized it was burnout, I had a flash of memory. A manager I'd known had had a bit of a breakdown at one point and gone on short-term disability to recover. I wondered if I would be eligible for a similar leave because I know I don't want to leave this company but clearly need to take a break to recover since I'm too far down the rabbit hole to fix it while working.

I spoke to my therapist about it, she was excited to see me dig deep to find the real issue, agreed it was burnout, and said she would help with whatever I needed to get the disability leave approved.

So, off we go into this recovery process which is equal parts relief and shame. Excitement and embarrassment.

I hope it works.

[praebitorem-glaciei]

nsfw asks - finn edition

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

I always use the aftercare section to talk about what kind of positions my ocs like. anyways. a switch!! when he tops, he's very gentle and caring with aftercare.. will make his partner a snack, get them a drink, clean them up. and when he bottoms he's j really clingy, he wants kisses in a warm bath with a bath bomb..

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Finn is pretty insecure about his body, he's incredibly dysphoric. But he thinks he has really nice hips! though they're a bit more feminine than he'd like, he knows they're nice. On his partner? hands... simp.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically... I’m a disgusting person)

He's pretty average with wetness? So I'll go with the fact he tastes a lil bit sweet with that hint of musk...

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Breeding kink. He really really didn't think he'd be into that and then Fennel suggested it and now he's REALLY into it.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Virgin before his current bf.. No experience whatsoever. But he's soo determined.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

The Lotus! He likes how close it is..

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

tends to giggle a bit, he's kind of ticklish so.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

messy and light brown. doesn't shave that much..

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect...) 

LOVER BOY... pet names, kissing, forehead touching..

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Didn't really masturbate before Fennel and then proceeds to masturbate and send him videos every night before they move in together lmao gn.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

big big big exhibitionist.. really likes bondage, especially tying up his partner with fancy knots.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Anywhere. Not like.. on a stage or anything. but he's open to most places..

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

KISS HIS NECK.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

unsanitary kinks, cnc, he wouldn't take drugs..

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Likes to give! He's so eager to learn that he quickly gets the hang of it!

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

When he bottoms he likes when it starts slow and sensual and gets rougher the more needy his partner gets for him. When he's on top he's a bit of a tease.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Not his favourite, but not infrequent.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Super game to experiment. He hasn't done anything before this so... Why not?

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last...)

Sorcerer stamina real... Can go for a few rounds!

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Probably? Probably for both..

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

BIG tease without even meaning to be sometimes.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

LOUD, bottom or top, he's a very vocal lover.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

he's really.. really into (consensual) frottage.. j rubbing is.. ugh. idk somethin sinful about it he loooves.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

cute,, small.. tiny boy.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Tends to match his partner's.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

not immediately! he loves himself some pillow talk first<3