#even though I am terribly depressed and anxious

[acemdzsfan]

I aspire to bring joy to people and bring a sense of whimsy.

[ghosts-of-love]

not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.

[oneshotnewbie]

what about an Alt oneshot where the reader really struggles with Elliot leaving? Because Elliot was like a father to her so when she finds out hes gone she breaks down crying in Liv's arms. Liv has to have her in therapy because she struggles with feelings of abandonment and being unwanted like she becomes depressed?

ᕚ---ᕘ

The sound of dripping water echoed in the bathroom. Darkness surrounded you and only a single, lonely candle stood on the edge of the bathtub. Its flame flickered in the gentle breeze that rushed through the tilted window, throwing dark, scurrying shadows on the bare white tires.

You had not been this low to the ground in ages but it was only a matter of time before your family broke. Things have not been going well for weeks between Olivia and her partner, who was like a father figure to you.

Quarrels with unrequited feelings and hurtful situation mixed with the incident at the precinct, where he shot a young woman, was the last straw. Elliot was gone. Swallowed up by the earth without saying goodbye. He had simply quit his job and disappeared.

With an idefinable gaze, you looked into the puny candle flame. You drew your knees up and laid your head on them. Sitting there, your arms wrapped tightly around your body. Lonely, lost and abandoned.

Everyone who ever loved you was gone. Only your mother was still here. But she, too, had her own life. Olivia had her new team, her important job and everything started to seem worthless around you. Just a girl who was only almost grown.

You swallowed hard and put your hand on your chest. Firmly, you pressed against your chest and ran your cold fingers over your sternum. Gasping for air, your nails clawed at thin skin, feeling the pain that wrapped itself around your heart and slowly covered it with black spots.

A single tear fell onto your bare knee and slowly ran down your lower leg, disappearing into the sea of water that encased you. Slowly, you lowered yourself into the bathwater until your body and head were completely submerged in the cool wet. The world around you obliberating and dwindling in waves, you lingered further on your thoughts.

This heart. Bruised and a witness to terribly painful losses. If only you could close this heart off, protect it from further pain, then you would finally be free. You would finally be the girl without ballast, finally be able to be able to love again without fear of abandonment.

You felt awful, started hating yourself even though it was the people you should hate for giving you love and stealing it again. For all the broken pieced they left your heart in.

"Y/n!" the matching face suddenly appeared to the muffled voice entering your ears, the expression bearing a worried and anxious grimace. Olivia quickly pushed her hands through the wall of water, grabbing your shoulders before pulling you up with a mighty jerk. "What the hell are you doing?"

You gasped, took a few deep breaths, and refilled your lungs with the oxygen it needed. The darknes had seduced you and made you forget that your body was already screaming for air while you were lost in your mind. "I-I am sorry"

Feeling the cold gradually sifting through your bones, crushing you and eating you from the inside out, you were thankful that your mother immediately grabbed a towel and wrapped it around your shoulders, gently stroking your upper arms.

There was no sound. Even the drops of water that fell from your damp hair seemed afraid to move. The silence between both of you was so stifling, that Olivia held her breath for several secounds before taking a cautious step towards you, sitting on the floor next to the bathtub before leaning against the wall.

"Y/n?" she breathed, listened strenously into the darkness and looking into your pale face, whose color once had a beautiful beige hue. The sight of her daughter was far more painful than she had ever thought possible and she had to restrain herself from letting tears flow.

A thousand small but sharp needles pierced her heart. The woman knew it had something to do with Elliot´s departure, shortly after telling you that you would probably never come back, you had completely changed character and turned distant. Yes, almost depressed. "I want you to see a therapist," she whispered in a trembling voice and reached out a hand that stroked a stray strand of hair from your face.

Your eyes instantly watered as you began to sniffle. "Was I not worth anything to him? Not even a goodbye?" you whimpered softly, ignoring the sentence that just left your mothers mouth. A single tear trickled down your cheeks, mixing with the pearls of bath water that dripped down your chin in unison.

"Why did he leave us?" you sobbed and she leaned forward, dropping her head onto yours. Your voice cracked, fading until your body shook with silent tears in her embrace. "I thought we were family. H-he was like a father to me!"

Olivia´s hand found yours and intertwined with your fingers gently, as if you would break if she made a wrong move. She understood the pain you endured, knew exactly what such an exit without warning could do to a soul. Especially one as young as yours.

That Elliot chose to escape his emotional problems by disappearing was typical for him. Still, she missed her partner. The warmth that surrounded his body. The perfume that gradually faded and was forgotten. The woman missed the stubborn guy with aggression problems. The man who was a friend to her, if not a lot more.

He was the first guy to show her that there could be a relationship between friendship and family. Strong and unique like she had never felt before in her life. They had solved the most diverse and dangerous cases and defeated the worst people.

Elliot was one of the most important people her daughter´s life, along with her and Amanda but now he was gone. Now she had to sweep up the shards he had left behind and glue them together.

She was willing to stand by you and follow in his footsteps to represent both sides of being a parent. It would be difficult, especially at first, but she knew you could both do it together.

Tears rolled freely down her cheeks as she broke out of her painful thoughts while standing up and slowly pulling your petrified and blunted body out of the bathtub. While she dried you off and dressed you, gently combin your wet hair and blow-drying it, you were completely absent to reality, staring blankly at the cold tiles decorating the sink. 

Shivering and surrounded by inner coldness, you felt like freezing to death. It was too painful to fight it back. Cold was the pain you felt since he was gone, and you did not know if it would ever fade away.

[adaptacy]

Survivor!Leland Dad Headcanons

i am so so so so head over heels for this gorgeous ball of fluff i cannot even explain. literally spent the past like 4 hours rambling about him i cant get over him hes so MMM

Cw: mild angst, i'll make the angsty paragraphs purple so you can avoid them if you just want fluff :)

!!WARNING!!: you will get baby fever.

Leland is a country boy at heart, and he definitely chooses to settle down with you on a small ranch complete with a few acres of property, just in case you ever want to have livestock or expand, but also because he wants room to build playsets and make sure his kids are getting out and have space to play outside.

He'd buy the wood to make a playset, and he'd get all of his dad's tools together and stand out back, staring at the pile of scrap, trying to figure out what to do with it. He wasn't all that familiar with it, but he wanted something handmade- he wanted to be able to build a play set so he could tell his kids about it. You'd go out back and chat with him about it, and every time he explained his vision to you, it was something different.

After about a month, you ended up just purchasing one of those store-made play sets and gave him some of the supplies as well as the instructions. However, he used the wood parts he'd gotten for the bulk of it. The playset ended up looking a little strange- most of it was natural wood, but then the roof and stairs were plastic, and the slide, and the railings, but it had a bit of charm to it. And Leland loved bragging about how he built it himself. You still remember the large grin he wore when he presented it to you, and then leaned down, speaking to your stomach and telling your baby how about all the fun they were going to have on it.

He spent the next two-weeks baby proofing it. Padding everywhere, he managed to static-proof the slide, he added extra stability to the fences, and it ended up looking even more... unique. You teased him about it, telling him that kids were going to find a way to get hurt no matter how much he baby proofed it, but he was stubborn that some was better than none. You let him get away with it, until...

He started baby proofing the house. Some, you understood. Outlet covers. Cabinet locks. Baby gates by the stairs- that was all fine. But then he started putting rubber softeners against every sharp surface, he moved around all of the silverware so that it was out of reach- out of your reach, too, and hardly organized. You put an end to this really quickly, and although he was clearly anxious about your kids finding a way to hurt themselves, you'd tell him that- yeah, they were kids. That's what they were great at. He was just making your lives harder without really doing anything. So, he took it back a notch, though you did notice him sprinkle in random rubber rounders on sharp corners. You didn't call him out on it, and he eventually was satisfied, and stopped, leaving it to rest.

He dresses his babies in overalls and cow-print onesies, the fabric always has some sort of pattern on it, whether its small horses or sunflowers- whatever it was, it had a pattern on it. He wasn't very good at picking out outfits for them, as they very often clashed and he didn't understand that you can't just mix patterns, but with a bit of guidance from you (and you supervising him when you shop for clothes), he slowly got better at picking out outfits for them, and also started getting a bit better at picking out his own outfits as a bonus.

While it wasn't a terrible case, you did suffer from a bit of postpartum depression, especially with your first, and Leland felt awful about it, like genuinely gut-wrenchingly bad, so he did everything possible to make things easier on you. He always offered to be the one on wake-up duty, refusing to let you get up out of bed when the baby started crying. If you wanted, he'd go and get them and hand them off to you, letting you hold them for a little while and let them fall back asleep before he returned them to the nursery.

One night, you'd waken up to the baby crying, but Leland reassured you that he'd take care of them, so you went back to sleep. When you woke up about an hour later, Leland still wasn't there, and you grew a little worried. You got up out of bed and checked the nursery, and both of them were gone. You immediately went into a panic, and you headed down the stairs, only to find Leland on the living room carpet with your baby, leaning against the couch as he dangled a foil toy above them. He yawned; he looked absolutely exhausted, and he was dozing off as he bobbed the toy up and down.

"Lee?" "Huh-? I'm awake, I'm awake, where is she?" He jolted awake, looking around until he spotted your daughter reaching up for the toy above her head, and he let out a breath of relief. "Sorry, she just would not go back to sleep. I came down to start the coffee, and set her down here, and.... Guess I just dozed off." You laughed, walking over to him and sitting next to him, leaning your head against his shoulder. "Do you wanna go get some sleep? I don't mind starting some coffee and watching her." "Are you sure?" "Positive. Go get some sleep, babe, you're all good," you reassured. He kissed your cheek, and then kissed his daughter's forehead before heading back upstairs.

Especially for your first kid, he got really anxious when they'd cry. He'd try all sorts of things- tried burping them, tried feeding them, tried playing with them, anything he could think of. And it took a lot of persuasion for him to realize that, no, your kid was not dying, they were a baby, and babies cry. He got a lot more accustomed to this idea by the second, and then the third, and was pretty much a pro by the fourth kid.

Oh yeah, four kids. Three girls and one boy. He is SUCH a girl dad and I will not be accepting criticism on this.

Every single time you gave birth, you'd hold the baby for about fifteen minutes before passing it off to Leland, who refused to give it back for at least an hour. He'd tell you to just get some rest, you deserved it, and he just wanted to take the trouble off your hands. "Our baby is not trouble," you'd remind, but he'd shush you, and as time went on, your kids started chiming in, telling you "Just get some sleep, mom!", and you'd pretend to go to sleep, and Leland would sit on the floor with them, letting them see their new sibling.

He wouldn't let them be held by any of your kids, he didn't want to risk the worst, but he'd talk it through with the kids, explaining the story that Mom worked really really hard for their new sibling, so they needed to be gentle with them, and be patient. The older ones understood it, but the younger ones had a little trouble grasping the fact that babies could be loud, and annoying, and frustrating, but he'd explain to them that babies can't do anything else because they don't know much. Exactly the way that you'd first reassured him about his anxieties with the baby crying.

Another thing that never changed were his occasional anxiety attacks, usually after a bad nightmare back to the event, or when he couldn't sleep despite his meds, and he paced in the bathroom, running his fingers through his hair over, and over, and over again. Thinking about the what if's. Thinking about all of it. And he'd get on the edge of tears, the edge of really breaking down, before he'd go into the nursery and sit next to the crib. He'd set his hand inside, and the moment that his baby's tiny fingers wrapped around one of his, he'd let out a tense exhale, managing a smile. Even when they were grown, he'd stand in the frame of their door in the middle of the night, reassuring himself that he'd done fine. That he'd made a life for himself. Made a family for himself. That they'd be proud of him. And while it never got easier, he got better at understanding it, at calming himself down, at reassuring himself.

As his kids get older, they start asking about his scars. You overhear it from where you're cleaning in the kitchen, and you step closer, listening in. At first, you worry that he'll shut down- you know how sensitive subject it is for him, and there's silence.

"Daddy?" Your daughter asked, and you could hear a sniffle. He let out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, see, you aren't s'posed to know about 'em. Stuff you don't wanna know about your daddy, kiddo," he'd respond, and you could practically see the pout on her face. It was his fault he spoiled them so much. "C'mon, daddy, tell me! Please? I promise I won't tell anyone else," she hummed. "Nobody? Not even your brother?" "Nobody," she assured, and he sighed. "Well, before you were born... I went on a lot of adventures. Me and my friends. See, we had to fight these real bad guys. During the battle, they got a good couple of hits on me, and that's what the scars are from." "Did you win?" There was another pause. "Yeah, sugar, I won." "Where are your friends now?" Another pause. "They're out there protectin' others. They don't have kids like me and your mom. I had to retire from kickin' butt," he teased. "You're still my hero, daddy." You smiled, and you could hear his voice break as he replied with, "I love you, baby. Don't ever forget that, alright? No matter what happens." "I know, I love you too, dad."

It wasn't long before your kids started to touch his scars in passing, when they were playing with him, or when he was sitting on the couch next to him. They'd lean against his shoulder and touch the ones on his forceps, ones that you knew were far too small to be sensitive. But then they'd touch the ones on his back, and you'd hear him let out a quiet grunt, trying to shift- not shift away, but shift so that his back faced them, and they'd ease up their pressure. He'd remind them to be gentle, and they'd oblige, gently tracing the scars on his back.

He understood that they were curious; they were young, and touch was how they explored. He would've been curious too, at their age. So he was patient with them, and understanding. Even when they'd accidentally poke at a sensitive spot, and his jaw would tighten, but he never got angry at them. Sometimes, he'd give you a look, and you'd understand immediately, and distract the kids with something else so he could have his personal space.

It wasn't long before a lot of his scars were named. The ones on his back were Billy and Jessie, and the one on his chest was Hugh. The others had names too, but they changed pretty often. Those three remained the same, though. Sometimes the kids would line them with colorful markers, drawing wings around them or drawing faces on the scar tissue, and he got used to them messing with the scars, and it started to affect him less.

From the minute they grasp the concept of walking, those kids are dancing. Or, at the very least, bouncing as Leland danced around them, singing to whatever was on the radio at that moment. He loved having dance parties with his kids, and you'd join in, and he'd twirl you, your kids acting as a hype squad as the two of you danced. He liked letting his kids pick out something from his vinyl collection and putting it on, dancing along to his favorites and teaching them how to dosey-doe and square dance.

The first time his daughter fell off of her bike, he cried way more than she did. She was already back on the bike, asking for Leland to help her, and he was practically bawling, talking about how he was so proud of her for being so strong. You'd laugh, and step in, helping her out while he collected himself.

The moment that his daughters have enough hair to clip a bow on, he's doing it for them. He does it for every outing, all the way until they graduate. Every prom, he set up one of the bedrooms as a sort of salon, and he did all of their hair for them, even the ones who weren't going to prom that year. And every year, he was teary-eyed as he did it, rambling about how much they've grown up.

With his son, most people expected him to go hog wild with the sports dad thing, but he was entirely the opposite. he didn't want his son to get hurt, so he never even encouraged the idea of sports.

"Lee, you were in football in high school. Don't you want that opportunity for him?" "I knew a guy who was paralyzed from football." "You knew a guy, or you heard it on the radio?" "..................I'm not takin' any risks."

He swears your hormones are contagious. If he walks in on you crying, he starts crying, and he never cried before you had kids. And then both of you would be crying, and neither of you would know why, so you'd start laughing, and then you'd go back to crying again. He didn't understand it in the slightest, but he was fine as long as you and his kids were.

Speaking of hormones, you had to sit him down when your oldest daughter got about 12, and you gave him a very in depth discussion about how periods work, what he should expect, and what he can do to help.

The next time he came back from the store, he had a box of every single brand of pad and tampon. And he assured you that it was important because you never know what might work. Well, what worked was the first box that they tried, and now Leland was left with a lot of boxes and a lot of period products. So, what did he do?

He broke down the boxes and took out all of the period products. And he made a fort with the boxes, using the pads as adhesive and using the tampons as decoration. You and your two daughters stumbled across him working in the living room, laying on his back as he used a pad to tape two boxes together.

"Dad...? What are you doing?" Your eldest asked, the three of you exchanging a glance. "Are you okay, daddy?" The younger one added, and he sat up, turning towards the three of you with the happiest, most proud-dad grin on his face. "It's a period palace!" He laughed, showing off his work.

The kids didn't play in it much, but he and Jacs had their fun with it, and before long it was thrown out, probably for the best.

When referring to him in conversation with your kids, you'd refer to him as Dad, or Daddy, and he'd refer to you as Mom. However, when he was being more affectionate, he'd refer to you as Mama instead.

[cosmicmatter]

Types of Triggers

Following you will find an explanation of different types of triggers.

Time-related triggers. 

You may have heard of “anniversary reactions,” in which a person has a predictable and involuntary reaction on or around the anniversary of a traumatizing event. This experience is most well known in people who have intense grief reactions each year around the anniversary of the loss of a loved one. But anniversary reactions may be evoked for a wide variety of other events. At first, you may not recognize an anniversary reaction, but you or your therapist may begin to notice that you, for instance, become depressed, or very anxious, or feel suicidal around the same time each year, time after time. 

Time-related triggers may also involve a time of day or a particular period of time, such as weekends or holidays (see also chapter 16). For example,  some traumatized people may become increasingly fearful and anxious as it becomes dark each evening, related to overwhelming experiences that may have occurred around that time.

Place-related triggers. 

Many people find it hard to return to places where they were abused or had other highly distressing experiences. This avoidance can generalize to other places that remind them of the original situation, prompting them to evade more places and experiences to prevent triggering. For example, if a person had been robbed or assaulted on a bus, he or she might be inclined to avoid all busses. And eventually, this person may come to avoid any public transportation, including trains, trams, and planes. 

Many traumatized people regularly report that they are upset or overwhelmed by crowded spaces, such as shopping malls, long checkout lines, or crowded waiting rooms. Their aversion often has nothing to do with a traumatic memory, but rather they feel overstimulated and trapped, which may be similar to inner experiences they felt during traumatic events in the past. Even though some parts may be triggered by certain places, other parts may not be; they may even enjoy, for example, riding in the train or flying, or being at the mall. These contradictory experiences may set up internal conflicts, because some parts may dismiss or even be unaware that a trigger is problematic for other parts.

Relational triggers. 

Relationships themselves are often triggers. Relationships and any perceived threat to them evoke the most powerful feelings in everyone, for better or worse. When you have been mistreated by others, intense feelings of abandonment, rejection, humiliation, shame, panic, yearning, and rage are often easily triggered by the minor ups and downs that are a natural part of even the best of relationships. And when a serious relational disruption occurs, it can feel catastrophic. Some parts of you may always be on guard, looking out for any cues that perhaps you are being rejected or criticized, and thus they may overlook important cues to the contrary. Others may desperately seek out relationships, not attending to whether they are healthy (see chapters 28 and 29 for more about relationships). Many patients with complex dissociative disorders rightly felt criticized, lonely, and misunderstood as children. Anger or critical remarks by a partner or a friend in the present may quickly give rise to a partial reliving of old experiences, such as intense fear of being abandoned or misunderstood, or fear that you cannot speak your mind without terrible consequences.

Internal triggers.

People who have a dissociative disorder have typically learned to avoid much of their inner experience in order to avoid traumatic memories (see chapter 5). Any inner experience may be triggering, such as the sound of another part talking or yelling, certain emotions (anxiety, anger or shame, and so forth), sensations (such as pain, sweating), needs (such as wanting to be comforted), or thoughts (such as “I wish I was dead” or “I am not happy in this relationship”). Some parts may even provoke other parts as an internal reenactment of old experiences. For example, a highly critical part might scream that you are stupid when you are trying your best to cope with a difficult problem at work. This inner experience may be quite similar to some you may have had as a child. 

Sensory triggers. 

Body sensations are a particular type of internal trigger. These may resemble similar sensations that occurred around the time of a traumatizing event. Smells are particularly potent triggers. Other sensations include pain, the racing heart and breathlessness of anxiety, feeling too hot or cold, nausea, thirst, hunger, stomachache, the need to eliminate, or even certain body postures. Some women may be triggered by the sensations that accompany menstruation. The sense of being touched by another person may be especially triggering from some individuals.

Triggers for Positive Experiences

Triggers are usually thought of as negative, but some triggers evoke positive feelings and memories. For example, looking at pictures of a nice holiday that you enjoyed, the smell or taste of a specific food, or particular music may all evoke positive memories and feelings of contentment or warmth. Positive triggers are important because they can help you find some enjoyment and calmness in the present. In fact, your personal anchors are positive triggers that help you stay in the present.

Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

[c3ec3es-findings]

October 4th

Mt Uncle keeps asking why I'm not exploring the rest of the town. Why would I want to do that? Even if my sanity wasn't on the line, the people here are super freaky. Except for Wendy. She's cool.

- This one is different

- Stanford Pines

- I��ve seen pictures up on the shacks walls of this guy

- Now I’m getting lectured, wonderful, its middle school all over again

- I know I made a terrible mistake

- Im taking notes to figure out how to fix my mistake

- Riddles?

- Am I not supposed to be solving these?

- But what if they’re useful in getting me out of this deal?

- Hes barely looked at this book, so, how would he know?

- Low point!?

- I’m not at a low point in my life! I’m not desperate! It's not like I wanted to find this book! 

WHAT IS THIS GUYS DEAL!? I’M NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS! he CAN’T PROVE THAT!

- I would love nothing more than to close this book, I would, but I don’t have much of a choice. HE HAS MY BLOOD AND SOUL AND STUFF 

- That is a pretty cool Goth Moth though

Ok, I have to focus. I gotta finish this book

- “The Secrets of The Universe?” Please

- There’s this little thing called “unanswerable questions”

- A test?

- Like… a puzzle?

- Ok, I’m down

1. “Is this a young woman, an old woman, or an illustrator having a psychotic break?”

Obviously, if Bill wrote this quiz, he went with the most out of the box answer.

Answer: An illustrator having a psychotic break.

2. “This may look like an ordinary cube, but if you look closely, this cube is actually, really SUPER depressed. (Hey, he’s had a rough year! Cut him some slack!) What can you say to this cube to convince him to leave the house more often? CAREFUL: Too much pressure to hang out will make the cube even more anxious. But if you never invite him out, he’ll think you hate him!”

What kind of a question is this!? How am I supposed to answer this!? I don’t even know this cube! It's a cube! It has no personality! Why do I hear crying? CAN CUBES CRY!?

Answer: It would be good to see you every now and then! I miss you! You’re great!

3. “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck were up against a wood-chucking deadline and had procrastinated

UGH! FORGET IT! THIS TEST IS RIDICULOUS! I need a break. 

[writingwhimsey]

Married to The Enemy- Shingen Ch. 23

NSFW 18+ (though quite tame really)

Chapter 23

After getting the news from Saki and Yuki volunteering, Shingen immediately left his study to go find his wife. The wind had already picked up and he could hear the rain starting. The storm seemed to intensify with every step Shingen took…and so did his worry. He had no idea how he would find Ava.

It felt like an eternity before he finally reached her room.  “Ava…” He called before sliding the door open. He found her sitting at her desk, paper and brush in front of her and a lantern lighting the room. Though one could mistake her for being at ease, Shingen could see the tense set of her shoulders and stiffness of her posture.

“Shingen…” She asked, looking up at him with wide eyes. “I thought you had to work late?”

Shingen put on a soft smile as he came to sit beside her. “I just had reports to finish. Yuki is taking care of those for me.” He replied. “When I heard the storm approaching, I wanted to come check on my lovely wife.” He was lifting a hand to caress her cheek.

Ava smiled at him and leaned into the touch. “I’m fine.” She replied. “You didn’t have to worry about me.”

Shingen looked at her. He could see how anxious she was, but she wouldn’t admit it. She really was the kind of person who would never ask for help. “I see.” 

Ava looked at him. “Saki came to you, didn’t she?”

Shingen smiled. Ava could be rather astute about the littlest of things. “Yes, she did.” He said, knowing there was no point in hiding it.

“I knew it.” Ava replied, setting her brush down. “What exactly did she tell you?”

“That you get anxious and can’t sleep during serious storms.” Shingen answered. “She mentioned it was because you lost your mother during a storm about ten years ago.”

Ava nodded. “Yeah…”

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.” Shingen told her. 

“I want to…it’s just…would you mind holding me?” Ava asked, bashfully.

Shingen smiled warmly as he wrapped his arms around Ava and pulled her into his lap. “I am quite happy to hold you.” He answered, kissing her on the forehead.

Ava smiled and nestled into his embrace. She seemed to breathe in his scent…something Shingen found quite adorable and made his heart race. It seemed she found comfort in him in every way possible. “I had just finished my education and my mother had just gotten a new job. So we went on a holiday to Kyoto to celebrate. There was a sudden storm…we were running for shelter and then…I’m not even sure exactly what happened, but my mom was pushing me out of the way and then the next thing I knew, she was gone. No trace of her anywhere…I never even found…a body…no one did.”

“That must have been terrible, disorienting, frightening, and depressing all at once.” Shingen said, hugging Ava tighter.

“Yes.” Ava replied. “I still don’t know for sure what happened…and now I still get anxious about storms…and I just…prefer not to be alone.”

Shingen kissed Ava gently on the cheek. He could tell what she meant was, she was afraid of it happening again. “Well, I will happily spend every storm with you however you like.”

Ava smiled. “I appreciate that.” Just then there was a particularly loud clap of thunder and an increase in the wind. Ava let out an eep of surprise and jumped even as Shingen held her.

Shingen tightened his arms around her and gently rubbed a large hand up and down her back in a comforting manner. “I am right here with you.” Shingen told her, kissing her gently on the cheek.

Ava felt her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. “I’m so…”

Shingen silenced her with a peck to her lips. “There is nothing for you to apologize for, my angel.” He told her, cupping her face with his large hand. “And nothing for you to be ashamed of either. We all have our fears. Though I do want you to know I am here for you. I will stay by your side all night.”

Ava smiled as she leaned into Shingen’s touch. “Thank you.”

“You have nothing to thank me for. What kind of husband would leave his beautiful wife alone when she needs him?”

Ava smiled. She stretched up to press a kiss to Shingen’s lips. “I consider myself quite lucky to have you as my husband, Shingen.”

The look in Ava’s eyes as she spoke those words so sincerely…as she clearly found comfort in being near Shingen. He felt his own cheeks heating up as desire stirred inside him. “Ava…” He breathed her name, his thumb tracing over her lower lip. 

Ava let out a gasp. “Hmm…”

“How…would you like it if I distracted you?” He asked, a seductive smile on his lips. 

“How…do you propose to do so?” Ava asked, a coy smile coming to her own lips.

“Hmm…I was thinking that I will have you drowning in pleasure as I worship you, my goddess.” Shingen answered, leaning in to place kisses along the side of Ava’s neck.

“Mmmm…I think…th..AT…” Ava’s sentence broke on a moan as Shingen’s hand slid inside her kimono and teasing at the sweet spot between her thighs. 

“What was that, my angel?” Shingen asked, a teasing smile on his lips as his fingers continued to work their magic between her thighs.

“Ngh…yes…Shingen…yes…” She answered, her voice coming out in a moan as Shingen’s fingers long fingers slipped inside and began to pump and curl.

“I love the way my name sounds when you sing it in pleasure.” He murmured into her ear, continuing to work her until she had reached her peak, trembling in his lap.

Slowly Shingen pulled his hand from Ava’s heat before he scooped her trembling body in his arms. He stood, carrying her to her futon and laying her back. He hovered over her, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss as his hands went to work removing her clothes. 

“I will spend all night adoring you and worshiping every part of you.” He said as his hands lovingly mapped out her body, all the parts he had already memorized, knowing exactly where to touch her to bring her to heights of pleasure. 

The storm raged outside, but so did the passion Shingen held for his wife.

Yukimura and Saki…

Yukimura let out a groan as he lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck. “Ugh, I still can’t believe I’m doing this…and I don’t understand how Lord Shingen does this.”

“Oh, don’t be such a big baby.” Saki teased as she sat a cup of tea beside him. 

“I just can’t believe I agreed to this.”  Yukimura said as he took the tea. “I mean I am helping Lord Shingen pick a woman over work…”

“Not just any woman, his wife and my lady.” Saki replied, smacking him on the shoulder as she sat down beside him. “And you know, maybe you could learn a thing or two from your lord.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yukimura asked.

“I mean I personally think Lord Shingen has his priorities straight.”  Saki replied. “Definitely knows how to make a woman feel appreciated and special for certain.”

“What? With his flirting and cheap lines?” Yukimura scoffed. “If I didn’t know any better I’f think you were in love with your lady’s husband.”

“Never.” Saki replied. “For one thing, Ava is my best friend and I would never…and besides I think I kinda might like someone else.”

Yukimura wasn’t sure why, but hearing Saki say she liked someone…it left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Yeah…who?” He found himself asking, though he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know.

Saki instantly stiffened beside him. “You seriously don’t know?” 

“What? Should I?” Yukimura asked. “Is it someone I know?”

“Ugh, you’re such an idiot.” Saki replied. “And you have no tact either. You can’t just ask a woman these kinds of questions.”

“Well, you’re the one who brought it up.”

“No, you did. Accusing me of coveting my best friend’s husband.” Saki replied, glaring at him. “And why do you even care who?”

“I don’t know.” Yukimura replied. “Just…whoever it is…he’s a lucky guy. Hope he knows it.” As he spoke, his cheeks turned pink ever so slightly and he was looking away from Saki.

Saki’s breath caught in her throat at his words and she couldn’t help but to think he looked cute like that. “He’s…a complete idiot, but he’s funny and he can be sweet.” Saki said, a soft smile coming to her face. “He has no tact, but he;s loyal and honorable and brave���and he’s pretty cute.”

“Sounds…like a great guy.” Yukimura said, unable to keep the frown from his face. But it was his own fault she liked someone else. If he could just bring himself to say his feelings…

“Yeah, he is.” Saki replied. “There’s times I think he might like me too, but then there’s other times I don’t think he sees me like that at all.”

“Well, you should just tell him. If he has any sense, he’ll like you too.”

“The thing is…I just did and he didn’t even know it.” Saki replied. She was then leaning in and kissing Yukimura on the cheek.

Yukimura’s entire face lit up and he turned to look at her. “Huh?”

“I like you, you dummy.” Saki said, her cheeks turning red now.

Yukimura blinked, unable to form words.

Saki’s face fell slightly and a funny feeling dropped into the pit of her stomach. Maybe she had misread everything. “I…shouldn’t have said anything. Forget it.” She was moving to stand up, but Yukimura’s hand reached out for her, wrapping around her wrist and pulling her back.

“Stay…I…” Yukimura stammered, still looking for the words. He’d never been good with them. He decided action was better. He moved without thinking and was capturing Saki’s lips with his.

Saki was stunned for a moment, but quickly responded, wrapping her arms around him and pulling herself closer. Her lips moved with his as their kiss deepened. Her heart was racing. Neither of them could have been happier.

@limonzu @zulablaise @kisara-16 @tele86 @selenacosmic

[the12thnightproject]

Chapter 21: Exuent, Pursued by a Bear? - Okatsu’s reunion with her brother and Sasuke is postponed as they all prepare their attacks on Iekane’s army. Mitsunari heads out on a dangerous mission.

Mitsunari x OC; Nobunaga x Mai

Previous Chapter

Logline - In order to protect a political alliance, Katusko and Mitsunari must pretend an engagement. But this “all business” arrangement is threatened by a coup against Nobunaga… and by feelings.

From the Military Notes of Ishida Mitsunari…

Personal comments: I am no longer able to continue researching military theory, as events have conspired to throw us all into the middle of a military operation. Assets: One scout/archer; one Princess/archer; one ninja of self-described ‘moderately awesome’ abilities; one healer; and one small boy. Assets promised, not yet acquired: twenty vassals; a dozen servants; an unknown number of women archers.

Missing asset: Lord Mitsuhide.

Opposition: Upwards of three hundred men – some of whom may be paid mercenaries.

Mission: Prevent above three hundred men from overrunning Genba castle and killing Lord Nobunaga.

Keep Okatsu alive.

Kissing Okatsu should not be on this list, as it is no longer a priority.

Kiss Okatsu.

Was I still asleep and dreaming? Was I dreaming that both Sasuke and Toshiie were here?  No, because right before my brother yanked me into a hug too tight to be a dream, I saw Sasuke and Mitsunari standing behind him.

Toshiie’s hands were strong on my back, and he babbled nearly incoherently. "Katsuko. Oh God, I'm sorry. They told me you were dead. I swear, I never would have stopped looking if I'd known. I never would have gone back. I’m sorry. I should have protected you."

Dead? Me? I mean, even when I was locked in the crate, I hadn’t reached the point of ‘mostly-dead.’

His words didn't make sense, but did it matter right now? His hair was shorter, he looked a little thinner, there were new lines in his face, he wore a different pair of glasses ... but it was Toshiie "Sh. It’s ok. You found me... or did Sasuke find you?" Where had he been all these years? How had Sasuke found him?

I double checked to make sure that Mitsunari was out of earshot. Ok, he and Sasuke had politely withdrawn to give Toshiie and I privacy for our reunion. Further beyond them, Hikosane and Shohime were busy -- were they making ground spikes? In any case they were all far enough away to not overhear Toshie and my conversation.

"Actually, I found Sasuke in modern Kyoto. Katsuko, I was only in this era for a few months. The same wormhole that brought us here, sent me back to modern Japan almost seven years ago." He put his head in his hands. “I thought you were dead. The bandits said you were eaten by a bear."

"A bear? What?" I clapped my hand over my mouth to prevent laughing in his face. But seriously. I had encountered one or two bears in my time here and they never showed any interest in eating me. If Toshiie had spent more time here, he would know the bears were shy of people, "Never mind. Go on, I always thought you were on a ship of some kind. Guess that was as wrong as the bear."

“That’s right. I was on a ship. We'd been at sea about six weeks," he made a face (Toshiie always had had terrible motion sickness), "when we sailed into a storm. And I could tell it was the same kind of storm that brought us here. That fog bank moved right off the port side, and while they were all dealing with the storm, I dove right into it."

"Wow. That was…" Stupid. He could have drowned. "Brave."

"The next thing I knew, I was back at Togakushi, alone, in the middle of winter. I was messed up for a while.” He paused and looked down at the ground. In my family, the three of us had never used words like “depressed” or “anxious.” Even though psychology courses were required for his studies, Toshiie had nearly always avoided talking about mental health with me (well, until the day that we’d ended up sucked into the wormhole). So for him to even use ‘messed up?’ Things had been bad for him. “Anyway, eventually, I pulled myself together and went back to school." He lifted up a medical bag that looked far too anachronistic to my eyes.

"Look at you. Are you a doctor now?" It was hard to take in. While I'd had a life here, Toshiie had - eventually - picked up where he left off. It felt jarring, like we were two pieces of a puzzle that looked like they would fit but didn't.

"Not yet. Close. I have another year of residency." He glanced at Sasuke. "A couple weeks ago, I saw an announcement for a lecture about time travel. Since I've never had anyone to talk to about it, I went, and that’s where I met Sasuke. After he was done talking, I followed him out of the lecture hall, and said, you're not going to believe this, but what you described happened to me. We went out for a drink, and I told him everything.”

Sasuke and Mitsunari had made their way over in time to hear the last bit of Toshiie’s story. "And I told him, I do believe you... and I know your sister. She's not dead. I had already been making plans to return to-" He sideeyed Mitsunari. "To this part of the county."

"To this era. You may say that. I am aware Okatsu is a time traveler." Mitsunari spoke as casually as if he were offering tea.

He knows?

I must have looked stunned, for Mitsunari patted my arm before continuing. "I was already aware that Mai is from the future as she mentioned it on the day she arrived, and after observing her actions for a few days, I concluded she had not been lying. As you once noted you are from the same place as Mai, the logical conclusion was that you are also from the future. Since you did not mention it to me, I presumed you did not wish to discuss it." The words were mild, but his tone sounded hurt.

"I never mention it to anyone. Even Aki, who I've worked for for many years, doesn't know." Then because I wanted to give Mitsunari something of myself, a truth he could hold onto, I added, "My name actually is Katsuko. Mitsuhide changed it when he made me a princess." I put the word ‘princess’ in air quotes, although probably he wouldn’t understand the gesture.

That dazzling smile came out. "Katsuko." It sounded like he was tasting the name on his tongue. “Katsuko,” he repeated, and coming from his mouth it sounded like a song. "It is a pretty name. It suits you." Then he sighed. “I am terrible at remembering names though. I apologize in advance if I forget and call you Okatsu.”

For the sake of our charade, he likely should continue to call me Okatsu anyway, but it was nice to know that I was no longer lying to him about one thing.

Toshiie gave him a ‘back-off dude,’ big brother type look, then picked up the story. "Sasuke has a friend who is very ill, so he asked if I would also come along to-”

"- Where I work," Sasuke jumped in very quickly. Yeah, it wouldn’t be a good idea to advertise to an Oda that you worked for-.

"I'm also aware you work for Uesugi Kenshin. Do not censor yourself on my account." Mitsunari calmly sat with his hands resting on his knees as if he was doing nothing more than discussing the best brand of tea, instead of chatting with an enemy.

"Er. Alright then." Sasuke pushed glasses further up nose. "In any case, as Toshiie and I came through a wormhole at Honno-ji, it was simple enough to detour to Genba, but Mitsunari has briefed me on your current situation, and clearly it's not that simple."

"You'll help us though." It wasn't question. I knew he would do that for Mai. And I suppose given that he also was aware of Japan's future, it was vital that unification happened.

Sasuke nodded. "Mitsunari has been discussing strategy with me." He began pulling all manner of ninja tools out of his pack. "I understand we'd be practicing guerilla tactics to carry out attacks on the enemy until reinforcements arrive."

Finally, Mitsunari looked confused. "Gorillas... we need monkeys?"

"Um... it's just another word for Ewok." I didn’t know why it was called guerilla. I’d probably skipped school that day.

"Ewoks!" Sasuke looked at me. "If I had known you were also a time traveler earlier. I imagine we would have had some fascinating conversations."

Now it was Mitsunari's turn for that 'back off' look, and he directed it at Sasuke. However, he continued in a pleasant tone of voice. "Now is not the time for that. Okatsu, Katsuko.” He sighed. "As I said. I am not very good at remembering names.”

"Might as well leave it at Okatsu so as not to confuse anyone." We really didn’t have time to keep explaining a name change to Hikosan, Shohime and the Kanamori vassals.

Susumu had rounded up thirty-five vassals and servants, an additional six women archers, and all the spare weapons and ammunition he could find. Once everyone had gathered in our camp, Mitsunari outlined his plans. "I intend to split us in three groups." Susumu, you and I will take the largest force and to capture as many of their supplies as possible." He used a stick to draw out the military formations in the dirt. "We’ll isolate and outflank the supply chain here."

"Okatsu, you are to lead the archers, with Shohime and Hikosane to the top of the northermost signal tower. There you are to defend our rear guard and the-” he nodded at Toshiie, "medical facility for the injured."

“Hang on! I’m not part of this fight. I came back for my sister and nothing else. Sasuke promised he could get us home.” Toshiie tugged on my arm. “I couldn’t help you before, but I’m here now.”

This… was not the brother I remembered. What had happened to him? And while on an intellectual level, I knew that Toshiie hadn’t undergone the seven years of survival training I’d been through, but even without that, did he really think I’d abandon my friends now? “If you really want to help, then listen to Mitsunari.”

Toshiie turned to Mitsunari… and said, “Look, I didn’t go through all this just to watch my sister get killed. She’s impulsive. She’s unreliable. She’s-”

“Standing right next to you.” I elbowed him in the ribs. “I can speak for myself, and I’m not going anywhere until this is over.” One way or another.

With a calming hand, Sasuke patted Toshiie on the back. “I will get you and your sister home, but we can’t leave until Nobunaga is safe, or there may not be a home to return to.” Given all these witnesses, Sasuke couldn’t bring up quantum theory and temporal paradox, but the unspoken message was clear.

Although he clearly didn’t like it, Toshiie grudgingly accepted Sasuke’s statement. “Fine. As long as I’m stuck here, I will provide medical care to my best ability. Under these conditions.” That last part was muttered under his breath.

Calmly, as if Toshiie hadn’t been possessed by the spirit of Debbie Downer, Mitsunari continued his instructions.  "Sasuke believes he can find a way into Genba castle and potentially sneak Nobunaga, Hideyoshi, Mai… and Mozumi out. But if he cannot, he will at least be able to return with valuable information about guards and troop movement.”

His expression serious (although his expression always was serious), Sasuke saluted him and nodded.

"Based on how much Susumu’s forces can obtain or destroy, and what Sasuke learns," Mitsunari continued, "We will refine and move on to phase two of the plan."

All that was great and all... but I was a bit... peeved... that I was going to be stuck on top of a tower. Not that I would say anything to Mitsunari in front of anyone else (unlike my brother I understood the military chain of command… and unlike my brother I also had manners). Instead, I waited until everyone dispersed and Mitsunari finished relaying instructions to Sasuke, before approaching. "Lord Mitsunari." I bowed.

"Okatsu there's no need for formality.” Then he looked at me for a moment before frowning. "You... are upset?"

"Are you trying to protect me by putting me in beacon tower?" I thought I had proved my worth by now.

"I see. No. That isn't it. I want archers on top of that tower, and you are the best archer I know." Then, even though no one was looking, he took my hands in his. Instantly at his touch, I felt calmer. Mitsunari always could soothe the noise in my head. "I was treating you as a warrior and placing you where you are needed."

"Oh. Alright then. Thank-you." I paused, then withdrew my hands from his, feeling the cold as I did so.

The beacon towers were part of a network of towers that Takeda Shingen had built all through the territory when it was his. Since the primary function was to send smoke signals from tower to tower, the structures were crude, mostly open to the elements, wider on the ground floor, and tapering upward to the beacon level. The one we planned to use had been abandoned for months, although to be certain, we had one of Susumu's men with us (the Redshirt), to check things out.

On the ground level, Toshiie set up the ‘medical tent,’ in one corner, grumbling all the while about medieval medicine.

"I realize you’re being sarcastic, but this literally is medieval Japan," I reminded him, as Shohime, our girl-power archery corps, and I prepared to climb onto the higher level to set up the defenses. "You don't hear me grumbling about the lack of binoculars, do you?"

Toshiro reached into his pack and handed me a set of binoculars.

"Wow. Really?" Not taking a gift anachronism in the mouth, but… "Does Sasuke know you brought those?"

Tosh shrugged. "We weren't planning to be here that long. Just get you, help his friend, and hop the next wormhole out of here." He kicked at the dirt and leaves that littered the ground since the tower’s sides were partially open to the elements.

"Too bad you couldn't sneak a handheld vacuum huh?" I broke off a branch of a nearby tree, then flipped it leaf side down. "Here, Macguver this into a broom."

Tosh rolled his eyes (and to think I missed his sarcasm?) but grabbed the branch and got to work.

I joined the others on top of the tower, they were milling around and it took me a moment to realize that they were waiting for me to tell them what to do. Mitsunari had effectively made me commander of this team. I looked them over.

Though a couple women were around my age, there was one who had to be at least a grandmother, if not a great grandmother. Shohime went right over to the woman and hugged her. The woman whispered something in her ear, and Shohime laughed before turning to me. “Lady Okatsu, this is Ushi. She used to work in Genba castle and she taught me everything I know about archery.”

Well, that was good information that I hoped I’d know what to do with. I'd never been in charge before. It looked like I would need to rely on Shohime, whose transformation from airhead to semi-capable warrior had left my head spinning.

Alright. Speech time. Hopefully I would not suddenly develop stage fright. "If our luck holds, and of course we can't count on luck, we can remain undetected until Susumu and Mitsunari launch their raid. But as I said we can't count on luck. We'll start with four people, one keeping watch over each direction.” The top of the tower was only about four square meters, narrowing from the larger room below, so even though we all faced different directions, we would be able help to each other.

“Four up here watching. Two asleep. Two guarding and helping medical. We'll rotate in shifts every quarter watch." Given Shohime’s recommendation, I put Ushi in charge of the other shift, then sent them back to the main floor, telling them to determine for themselves who would sleep first. And… feeling like I ought to add some kind of inspiring words to fire them up, I said,  “And… um, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”

After the other shift retreated to the base of the tower, all was quiet. I sneakily used the binoculars to see if I could get a sense of what was happening at the castle, but these glasses had been meant for bird watching, and I couldn't see close enough for details.

"Shohime, how long have you been pretending to be..." I bit back the word 'stupid,' as I didn't want to insult her.

She understood what I meant. "Since I was eight. I saw Lady Yone about to smother Hikosane with a cushion! He was just a baby! I interrupted her and asked her to help with a dance I had been learning. It was easier protect Hikosane if she thought I was an idiot."

"I take it Lady Yone was pregnant with one of your sisters at the time?" Though Japan didn’t really follow the western tradition of primogeniture, Genba Castle's domain was on the small and poor side, especially before the silver mines had been discovered. Yone would not have wanted an unborn son to divide his inheritance with Hikosane.

"Yes." Shohine's shoulders slumped. "She steps up the efforts every time she is pregnant. Although this-" she gestured vaguely around the forest. "Was not something. I expected."

"I imagine Iekane helped her come up with this.... or maybe they found each other." I didn't want to discount the intelligence of another woman, especially, after misjudging Shohime. "Are your feelings for Mitsunari part of whatever it was you were doing to protect Hikosane?"

If she was sincere in her feelings, then maybe after this was over, after I went home, she and Mitsunari would get together after all. She'd shown herself to be resourceful and smart, although clearly she needed more education to be able to take advantage of that raw intelligence.

"How could anyone not love Mitsunari?" Shohime had a fond smile on her face. "He's smart and sweet and beautiful."

True, he was all of that and more. He would be very easy to love…

…if I weren’t catching the next wormhole out of town.

I must have looked upset or something, because Shohime leaned over and touched my arm. "But don’t worry Okatsu. No matter how I feel about him, it's obvious that the two of you are perfect for one another. Please don't worry that I will try to come between you."

At the moment, I was more worried about Mitsunari getting back from his mission with Susumu. They’d been gone a while… too long? I hadn’t been paying enough attention to the position of the sun to estimate how much time had passed. Something rustled in the trees below, and I took a moment to track and find it through the binoculars. It was just a rabbit. A regular rabbit, I presumed, and not a monster out of the imagination of Monty Python. “What about the poisoned tea? Lord Mitsuhide said you could have killed us all."

"I was afraid that Lady Yone was having me watched… that page that always follows me came to the castle in her entourage.” Oh. Huh. I had wondered why she hadn’t brought that seemingly loyal page with her when she ‘ran away.’ “So, I had to at least pick the flowers. But if the stable – er, Lord Aketchi had not already stopped me, I would have switched it out before I gave it to you - or to us, since I believe I was the intended victim. She wants Iekane to herself."

"Ugh. She can have him." I was years away from the naïve girl who had once found Iekane’s smile attractive.

"With a ribbon.'' Shohime and I smiled in a moment of simpatico. "Lord Aketchi said what I ended up giving you truly was a love potion. I suppose it was simply something like water?"

I shrugged. "With Mitsuhide, anything is possible. He might have truly handed you a temporary love potion because it amused him to do so."

"Interesting. Lord Aketchi sounds like a fascinating man. I imagine I could learn a great deal from him." There was a look on her face that made me suspect she might be willing to see him as a romantic prospect, but all jokes aside, I thought the age difference between the two was too great. Besides, I did not want anyone to get in the way of the great enemies-to-lovers romance that was Mitsuhide and Hideyoshi.

Any further conversation in this vein was interrupted by the sound of footsteps on the ladder, as Toshiie and Hikosane climbed onto the observation platform.

"It's as clean as it is going to get,'' Toshiie dusted his hands on his hakima. "Though in an ideal world we won't have any wounded anyway."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, there was a muffled sound of gunshots, carried through the clear afternoon air.

Oh God. Mitsunari. That’s where he was. What if he’d been shot?

The gunshots were followed by a-

BOOM.

-that rattled the tower in its intensity.

My breath caught in my lungs as a plume of smoke rose over the trees above a dark orange glow.

BOOM.

@lorei-writes @bestbryn @katriniac @lyds323 @briars7

[artisticmenace]

Hii!! I keep forgetting but I always wanted to ask! On your intro page(?) it mentioned a project of yours called ‘those days’?

I’m REEEEAAALLY interested on learning more about it!!! Lore drop?

IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR CENTURIES

so basically Those Days is a comic that i am currently making. its about two guys, Scott and Rodney who are both 58 and live in the midwest(because i do). Scotts sister Deb has just passed away so his great nephew, Danny comes down. The story is them telling him(and this chick named Candy, which im still figuring out how to introduce) about their life and how they met. I have over fifty issues written, but none released because after a while, it was kind of a chore, and i wasn't sure if anyone was interested! so THANK YOU SOOOOO MMUCH for asking about it!

Scott is based off of those "bad" kids that are actually really nice and are sort of vigilantes. Rodney is an easy bullying victim and even though he could totally do something about it, he doesnt.

this is very much a story about people and what they are and how your initial judgment is not always the correct assumption. its also very much how the key word in the last part of that is ALWAYS. its about life.

ill leave some character intros under the cut i case you want those too bc i could blab all day about them. scott and rodney may or may not be my sons. my boys. there will be art too. probably silly art. mostly the main group of characters. not their families though because i have barely drawn them(character design is tricky)

if you want to see all my silly drawings, they'll be tagged #those days comic or with the characters full name. but yeah THANK YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT THAT!!! I HAVE MOTIVATION NOW!!!! ok character rant under the more heeeheee

This is Scott

Scott has quite possibly the worst rbf ever and he looks like a scary mean guy. he steals his moms makeup because he can and he wears black eyeshadow 24/7. in reality, hes very nice and also has depression. hes a male MANIPULATED and has 6 semi terrible ex gfs. he is sort of homophobic at the beginning which is important to his lore. but even being a sad son of a bitch he can still beat the hell out of someone with a baseball bat. which leads to my next point. hes an adrenaline junkie. another design thing im slowly figuring out is simplifying his tattoos. theyre all on his torso and theyre all flowers. he loves flowers.

ROOOODNEYYYYY!!!!!

a lot of the time im trying to figure out how to draw him better tbh. Rodney has a prey animal stare. and he behaves much the same. hes pretty chubby but hes also fairly strong. he is very much a victim of child abuse but instead of becoming a bully, he just kinda gives up. he doesnt really have motivations outside of survival and hes not sure why. in fact, the primary reason he stuck around scott after meeting him was because scott believed him immediately after he said he didnt do something and made him feel safe. under the surface of being a prey animal, hes also incredibly angry. angry about a lot.

LUCY CAMPBELL EVERYBODY!!!

i dont draw her a lot...

Lucy is scotts lesbian ex gf and best friend ever. she kind of pushes them together because she knows too much. shes incredibly easy to talk to and people would confess to basically anything to her. design wise she also has a terrible rbf and DONT BE FOOLED!!! SCOTT STOLE HER LOOK WITH THE EYESHADOW!!! she also has lots of tattoos and actually gave scott all of his.

JORDAN AND DIANE (theyre kind of a set)

again. barely draw them and diane has had a few revisions.

diane and jordan are very much gay and in love. diane's family is like. the only immigrant family for miles. shes very nice but fairly cynical. shes very used to the notion that she has to find her way in the world and that if she doesnt fight, she wont survive. jordan is anxious as hell and dianes sister HATES her because she knows that jordan is a lesbian and is in love with diane. jordan also doesnt know why or how shes alive.

edward! ive only drawn him once.

eddie is lucys adopted brother. hes brilliant and silly. also gay as hell. idk if youve realized but almost none of these people are straight. edward isnt a very developed character because he is very much a supporting static character.

clyde and parker

clyde and parker are the two main members of scotts gang. its not really a gang but it might as well be. they dont really become important until the whole 1992 thing. youll find out. clyde was scotts best friend for a long time before he started hanging out with rodney. they have some very complicated history. diversity win! clyde finds out that he, too, is bisexual and gets with eddie! i dont know if ill wver bring that up in comic.

so thats basically the main cast of characters youll see in the comic. THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!! SORRY I YAPPED SO MUCH HAHA.

the comic will be release on a separate blog called @thosedayscomic there isnt really much on there except a mini comic that takes place around 1996, scott and rodneys thirties. its just scott getting home from work and going to sleep haha.

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey Kait, can I have some comfort from Saeran about avoiding a family gathering? I was anxious about it all week, whether I should go or not. Lord knows I didn't want to go because it would be a miserable experience that will leave me drained and depressed, but I felt very guilty and selfish about it, since some of my relatives literally flew by plane for this one gathering. I kinda felt obligated to go out of respect. In the end, I decided not to go for my own comfort, but now I am left regretting it and feeling like a terrible person over it :(

GE Saeran knows what it feels like to be drained before you even start your day.

Sometimes, you have to know your limitations and there's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't have to force yourself to do something you don't want to do to save face. Sure, sometimes there are major moments in your life where you have to do something you don't want to do because you know it's the right thing to do, but in a situation where you know you're going to make yourself sick if you do it, you have to think about your health first. 

He would be the first to tell you that there's absolutely nothing selfish about choosing yourself first. You don't owe anything to your family and you don't have to be around them if you don't want to. In fact, if you go out of your way to make sure that those people get what they want and it ends up trampling you in the process, it's disrespectful to you. 

You shouldn't have to force yourself to hang out with your family if your family doesn't go out of their way to make sure you give them the same respect you've been forcing yourself to give them. This is a two-way street, remember that. If you know in your heart that none of your family would go out of their way for you, even though you've done everything you can to make sure you do that for them? It's time to start thinking about priorities and self-respect. 

Remember how you told him he didn't have to meet his brother if he didn't want to? He respected the fact that you told him he could do what he wanted to do and it made it easier for him to decide what felt right. If somebody forced him to meet his brother when he wasn't ready, it wouldn't have ended well.

Sure, it wasn't perfect, but he had more time to think about what he wanted to do and that self-reflection helped not only him understand what he wanted out of life, but also understand what kind of place he wants his brother to have in it. As you can imagine, he would tell you the same thing you told him.

"My love, please, don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do just because you feel like there's no other choice. If you don't want to see your family and you know it's going to leave you in a bad place, don't make yourself do that. Even if they tell you something awful, it only proves why you didn’t want to go. If your family really cared about your health and safety, they would’ve reflected on their actions and what those actions do to you. I hope... that you don't beat yourself up for choosing what makes you comfortable."

If you need a distraction, he's more than willing to share plenty of those with you. It may be a hard day, but you can count on him to whisk you away for a nice day trip so you don't have to think about anything.

Better yet, you can leave your phones on silent so you can enjoy the moment together and not worry about people trying to bother you when all you want to do is live your life. If people wanted to be a part of your life, they would make a point of trying to be there all the time, not just during reunions. 

[mandispoetryblog]

Misunderstood

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so misunderstood. I feel as if I'm that weird witch of the wood. No one cares to understand some do. Understand this would you? I do mean well to others I may have no friends. No one. But I am really a good person at heart. I just wish others understood me better even my mental health issues. I have autism 1 a mild one not so easy to see. Though mostly I have anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have been misdiagnosed with other illnesses but they aren't really what I have such as Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder which those two don't seem like the case. I'm dealing with. I feel depressed and anxious most of the time. Right now. I'm going through something very deep. My trauma. I had a breakdown yesterday. Why I'm listening to piano today. And laying down. I feel mentally ill. It's hard what I'm going through. I miss having friends but I never really had good ones. I had one good one but I made a terrible mistake and now I have none again.

[ghostiewriter]

Hi ghostie this is kinda out of nowhere but I’ve been wanting to ask you a question. So idk if I’m totally tripping or if I saw that you don’t really like Elain in acotar and I just wanna know the reasoning behind it.

I feel like I see so much hate on her character (I absolutely think she and nesta were shitty for the way they treated feyre throughout their whole childhood I’m not excusing that) and I might be completely wrong but I feel like so many people hate her because she’s not like nesta and feyre where they’re literal warriors and are strong hearted and brave. And before anyone attacks me I love all three sisters (nesta a little less because man she could be a fucking bitch to everyone for the stupidest shit a lot which had to do with depression and low self worth but sometimes it was just uncalled for but I’m hoping she’ll be better in the future books).

I’m a middle child and have a younger and older sister and it’s kinda crazy because I can see our personalities match the archeron sisters although the book personalities are more exaggerated my older sister is not that bad trust me, but I definitely see their bravery and strong hearts and stubbornness and can see them as warriors even if none of us can fight for shit lol. I genuinely feel like I relate more to elain with her kindness and compassions being the leading traits she has (I don’t do plants I love painting though anything artsy is my thing). I’m not a very brave person and I tend to be the one who mediates in any arguments and it makes me wildly anxious to be around when I’m with people who are fighting or arguing. I’ve also always had low self esteem and it’s hard for me to set boundaries with others because I’ve always been a people pleaser and tried to do anything to avoid upsetting others (I’m working on it and I’d say I’m better than a few years ago).

My sisters have “jokingly” called me weak mentally, physically, and emotionally because I’ve had depressive/anxious episodes where they sometimes find me crying in my moms arms because I wasn’t really good at managing my emotions (I feel incredibly deeply sometimes it’s horrible but when I’m happy I’m ecstatic, also I grew up in a household where negative emotions were avoided being talked about so none of us were able to learn to regulate them when they got out of hand). I guess I just see a lot of similarities between myself and elain where it feels like they sometimes treat me like I’ll break at the slightest inconvenience while also low key despise me for being this way? I feel like I’ve come a long way since a year ago and I feel like im beginning to master myself and my emotions and am slowly but surely becoming more sure of myself and set boundaries. I wish I could be brave like them and I believe I’ll get there someday but I also don’t think that remaining kind and empathetic and compassionate despite witnessing so many terrible things makes me less of a person than them. They tend to just assume rather than to put themselves in another persons shoes (I’d catch myself doing the same sometimes but I’ve realized it’s usually to make me feel better about putting others down).

Im realizing now that this just turned into a venting session and I’m truly sorry for that I know you’ve been busy with Jiara week (very excited btw :)) and I know I shouldn’t let the way people feel about a character hurt me it’s dumb lol it just made me feel like shit for being so similar to a character a bunch of people hate. I hope you don’t think less of me for this but I would really like to know what you think of elain.

this was...this was a lot of a thursday morning ngl!

i hope you don't take my answer personally since elain is a fictional character and all of this is based towards her, but i just don't find her a very interesting character. i understand she isn't a warrior-type female character and she isn't the first one sarah j maas has written. elide and yrene are examples of characters who are more love than war and i adored them endlessly. they were well written and had so much personality beyond the fact they were kind.

elain just feels really superficial to me and maybe that will change with her book, but i honestly can't say i care all that much about her. in the first book, yes nesta was a bitch but at least she was something. elain had nothing going. then potential came after she had been turned and yet still she somehow managed to remain the most boring character in this series when she arguably has some of the coolest powers. i feel like its overlooked how much she hurt feyre as well just because she is kind. as well as the fact that she just overlooks how much nesta protected her, not because she was made of glass but because she loved her.

the lucien stuff also kinda puts a bad taste in my mouth. i think stringing him along and not giving him a chance whilst also not making a decision is just a bit shitty. yes, she was traumatised and went through a lot but she also had no reason to be so hostile towards him when she was so kind to everyone else? like at least nesta was self-destructive with all her relationships, not just one.

anyways, i hope that answered your question!

[hurricane105]

Zelda's diary

First entry: After meeting with the Champions, I left to research the ancient technology, but nothing of note came of my research. The return of Ganon looms - a dark force taunting us from afar. I must learn all I can about the relics so we can stop him. If the fortune-teller's prophecy is to be believed, there isn't much time left... Ah, but turning over these thoughts in my head puts me ill at ease. I suppose I should turn in for the night. P.S. Tomorrow my father is assigning HIM as my appointed knight...

Second entry: I set out for Goron City today to make some adjustments to Divine Beast Vah Rudania. I still recall feeling his eyes on me as I walked ahead. The feeling stayed with me so long, I grew anxious and weary. It is the same feeling I've felt before in his company... And still, not a word passes his lips. I never know what he's thinking! It makes my imagination run wild, guessing at what he is thinking but will not say. What does the boy chosen by the sword that seals the darkness think of me? Will I ever truly know? Then, I suppose it's simple. A daughter of Hyrule's royal family yet unable to use sealing magic... He must despise me.

Third entry: I said something awful to him today... My research was going nowhere. I was feeling depressed, and I had told him repeatedly not to accompany me. But he did anyway, as he always does, and so I yelled at him without restraint. He seemed confused by my anger. I feel terribly guilty...and that guilt only makes me more agitated than I was before.

Fourth entry: I am unsure how to put today's events into words. Words so often evade me lately, and now more than ever. He saved me. Without a thought for his own life, he protected me from the ruthless blades of the Yiga Clan. Though I've been cold to him all this time... taking my selfish and childish anger out on him at every turn... Still, he was there for me. I won't ever forget that. Tomorrow, I shall apologize for all that has transpired between us. And then... I will trying talking to him. To Link. It's worth a shot.

Fifth entry: Bit by bit, I've gotten Link to open up to me. It turns out he's quite a glutton. He can't resist a delicious meal! When I finally got around to asking why he's so quiet all the time, I could tell it was difficult for him to say. But he did. With so much at stake, and so many eyes upon him, he feels it necessary to stay strong and to silently bear any burden. A feeling I know all too well... For him, it has caused him to stop outwardly expressing his thoughts and feelings. I always believed him to be simply a gifted person who had never faced a day of hardship. How wrong I was... Everyone has struggles that go unseen by the world... I was so absorbed with my own problems, I failed to see his. I wish to talk with him more and to see what lies beneath those calm waters, to hear him speak freely and openly... And perhaps I, too, will be able to bare my soul to him and share the demons that have plagued me all these years.

Sixth entry: Father scolded me again today. He told me I am to have nothing more to do with researching ancient technology. He insisted that I focus instead on training that will help me awaken my sealing magic. I was so frustrated and ashamed I could not even speak. I've been training since I was a child, and yet... Mother passed the year before my training was to begin. In losing her, I lost not just a mother, but a teacher. Mother used to smile and tell me, "Zelda, my love, all will be well in the end. You can do anything." But she was wrong. No matter how I try or how much time passes...the sealing power that is my birthright evades me. Tomorrow I journey with Link to the Spring of Power to train. But this, too, will end in failure. Such is my curse.

Seventh entry: I had a dream last night... In a place consumed by darkness, a lone woman gazed at me, haloed by blinding light. I sensed she was...not of this world. I don't know if she was a fairy or a goddess, but she was beautiful. Her lips spoke urgently, but her voice did not reach me. Would I have heard her if my power was awoken? Or was my dream simply a manifestation of my fears? I am sure I will know the answer soon, whether I wish to or not...

Eighth entry: I turned 17 today. That means this is the day I will finally be allowed to train at the Spring of Wisdom. When Link arrives, we will set out for Mount Lanayru. The other Champions will accompany us there. I have not seen my father since he last scolded me. Things are too strained now... I will meet with him when I return. ... Actually...I've had a horrible feeling ever since that weird dream. No one would believe a failure of a princess, but... Right now, for no particular reason, I am filled with a strange and terrible certainty that something awful is about to happen.

[rubykgrant]

I'm no longer feeling waves of panic from my depression, but the guilt, shame, and regret are still there. Now it just feels like a heavy, dead-weight inside my chest. I also feel so terrible for making people worry about me. I don't want to cause anybody to feel anxious, and I definitely don't want to just cry for attention. It doesn't feel fair, to be comforted when I don't deserve it. It also isn't fair for people to "forgive" me, or encourage me to try and forgive myself. I've been a person who was hurtful, selfish, and a liar. It doesn't matter how sad I am now, or how many words I use to describe that sadness. Even a well-worded apology doesn't equal forgiveness. There are so many people I can't actually apologize to. Even if I could, how much distress would it cause, to just randomly say- "About seven or eight years ago, I was disrespectful, and now I'm finally sorry". People deserved to be respected ALL the time.

I didn't physically harm anybody, and this isn't about some form mistreatment that was motivated by bigotry, but I can't just keep telling myself "Well, at least I'm not THAT bad". It just feels like more lying to myself, or making an excuse. I may not have been "abusive", but I abused a sense of trust, in other people and myself. I lied to myself because I hated my life, and pretended I was special, but that just took away from any chance I had of actually being happy. Even though I finally looked at myself and saw my own bad behavior for what it was, and decided to stop, it was after years of being a bad person. No, not a bad person every day, not a bad person constantly, but still too much. I could also finally recognize other problems in my life, and saw how I had several years where I was hurting so much, it was like I emotionally stagnated. That still doesn't give me a pass to hurt other people. I know how bad it can be, to feel wronged in some way, to have things taken from you or have your feelings disregarded, and how that hurt can stay with you for years. How dare I do that to anybody else? Even with my own hindsight, I can't understand why I didn't care enough about other people. It feels so different from how I knew I once thought, and how I think now, but I can't make the excuse of "I was like a different person" and "I'm a better person now" either.

It is impossible for me to un-do or fix everything that has happened. It doesn't feel like I deserve to just move on and be happy. If I truly feel sorry, if I want to take responsibility for my actions, I should be punished somehow. Interacting with people, doing anything that makes them happy, feels like I'm "bribing" people into liking me, or tricking them into thinking I've become a decent person. It feels false, like lying for attention. If it were different, if people didn't know me now, if they had been hurt by me before, they would rightfully hate me. I shouldn't take up space or sympathy like that. So many other people deserve attention more than me. I've been selfish and yet also self-destructive before, and I want to stop thinking that way, but it all just keeps coming back to the guilt and shame. A liar shouldn't be trusted. How can I justify taking "more", when I was so selfish? I ruined my own life, and trying to make anything new from it seems unreasonable. How dare I be happy or feel "proud" of myself?

No matter how many times I was hurt, that's no excuse for bad behavior. Even though it started when I was a stupid kid, it went on as I grew up, from teenager to adult. Bad mistakes and bad habits turn into bad decisions and just bad behavior. I should have known how to treat people better. I don't want to just isolate and remove myself from everything, but I don't know how to reconcile who I've been with who I want to be. It even still feels selfish to focus on my own feelings at all. I wish I had been a decent enough person, somebody who wasn't even capable of being so hurtful and uncaring. I wish I could do more to put out goodness for others and actually help. I wish I could tell all the people who have shown me kindness and compassion how much I appreciate it, and I wish I was the kind of person who deserves it. I wish I really could find the motivation to move forward and be a better person, but it just doesn't feel deserved. There is still so much regret, so much shame and guilt. Crying about how sorry I am doesn't erase who I used to be. Any positive attention I get, it still feels like I'm tricking people. Being nice and trying to do good things doesn't erase any bad choices, and I don't want that anyway. I don't want to ignore any of this. I ignored part of my life that hurt when I was younger, and then I ignored how I was hurting other people as I grew up, and it just made things worse. I wish I could make things better, but it feels like that isn't possible

[blnk338]

I read Ghost's backstory just now. I knew it was f-ed up but damn... He should really have a lot more problems than just being emotionally unavailable. I'm kind of surprised he's opening up to Reaper or anyone at all (it's great he is though). What's your view on his mentality in general, based on his past trauma? What are his habits caused by it? And is his original backstory even a part of your fanfic? Sorry if you already answered this previously.

anon i am so glad you brought this up bc i could talk about this for eons <33333 mwah mwah -- yes, simon's backstory is canon is RWYS!

i am so sorry i wrote this much on this LMAO

cw for heavy trauma, sa mentions, abuse mentions, eating disorders, discussion of mental illness

I think more people need to put more effort into their fics or stories when writing trauma because I often see characters be one of two things:

They're tiny, sweet, pitiful babies who don't know anything and they're so little and small and they're not even adults or people anymore

They end up being their abuser.

Both are terrible options and unfortunately, as I said, they're shown way too often and really do not illustrate a lot of trauma reactions (of course there are examples of them, but I have not seen them as commonly). I take the writing of traumatized characters from my own experiences and from my own research (and literal human empathy, which appears to be void in half of the Ghost fics I read).

I think the idea of making Ghost quieter, closed off, a wall of a man is an accurate reaction to the shit that he has been through. He has a mountain of baggage and I think it's nearly impossible to write him without considering that. There's a clear idea that he limits who he trusts, and allows even fewer people to look under the layers that he's built up; but it makes complete sense that he has a conscious amount that he "lets people see" (even those he holds dear), until he breaks down.

A few of the responses that I think he has are avoidance and isolation, and the development of depression and anxiety disorders.

Simon blocks out a lot of the memories that he has and largely tries to avoid any conversations or thoughts on the subject of his sexual assault. Obviously, as an SAS soldier, it's hard to avoid certain topics, but I feel like he separates Ghost and Simon as two different people. It's common to find that people will put up different "faces" when it comes to responses to certain traumatic experiences, and I think it makes sense that Ghost would be willing to handle anything; he could be beaten, screamed at, watch and do terrifying things, handle himself well in the battlefield, but Simon can't.

Simon is scared. Simon is nervous, anxious, he overthinks things. He bites his nails and paces around his house, he has three locks on his door, he triple-checks the windows before he leaves for the day-- Simon isn't the stone-cold person that Ghost is, Simon is trying to relearn how to be a person who doesn't hide knives under every chair in his home. (Please also keep in mind that Simon's psychiatrist was also killed, I believe, in the midst of the murder of his family, so he would also limit the mental help he gets because of a fear that it might happen again)

Isolation makes complete sense because, as I mentioned before, he might see him and Ghost as different people. Simon doesn't go out of his way to ask for help, there's an incapability to do so. With that comes helplessness because he might not see the change he wants to see in himself. He's gotten back up from getting shot, he's taken hours of beating and torture, why can't he just get past this? All of these different sides of him build into depression and mass depressive episodes, paranoia and anxiety disorders, insomnia, etc.

Eating disorders may come with that; forgetting to eat or not going out enough to get groceries often. Restless, sleepless nights. Panic attacks that rise out of nowhere, he manages to push them down into staring off into space and clenching his fist, masking it on the job or in public. Hearing people's words but not listening, spending hours in his room on base, letting his anger out in the gym, sobbing into his pillow into the wee hours of the morning.

On top of that, he also refuses to let his anger out in any way that would hurt people like his father hurt them. Simon is careful about touching people, but is especially considerate of his anger. All he does is think, think, think, about how not to turn out like his dad. That's another thing I see people headcanon, that he would be physically abusive, and I don't see that at all. Ghost and Simon don't touch people because the last thing they want to do is end up like his father.

Tl;dr: Simon is very, very fucked up from his past and is still working through it.

[sludgefriend]

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t really like the person that I’ve been lately. I’m more bitter. More closed off. More judgmental. Less trusting. More selfish. I think, anyways. Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself, but it feels that way. Who could really blame me though, after the year that I’ve had? I wonder, is this really who I am now, or is it just who I’ve had to be to survive? If things got better, right now, would I flip completely back to who I used to be? Even so, is that how I want to operate? Generous and kind and thoughtful when things are good, bitter and closed off when things are bad? And how much control over it do I have, really? If I don’t have anything to give, there’s nothing to give, right? I don’t know. A lot to think about.

This year’s been fucked. Housing instability, financial instability, terrible relationship. I’ve constantly felt like I’m living on the head of a pin, and that any moment, it could all come tumbling down. And it has. I’ve crashed through floor after floor after floor. I’ve moved so many times that I’ve lost count at this point. Rather, I just don’t like to count, I think. I had to leave so many people behind that I care about dearly. I’ve been struggling to find a job in my field. It’s all just felt so desperate and hopeless.

And that relationship. God awful. It was short but it truly fucked me up in some profound ways. I’ve never felt so anxious and hurt to just be around another person and we were around each other constantly. She really fucked my trust, too. I guess I should’ve seen it coming. I guess I should’ve known. Should’ve known better than to start it in the first place. I’m glad I at least had the strength to leave. To put my foot down on the things that I felt were important. That’s something.

I’ve grown and changed in good ways, too, though. I’ve finally figured out how to properly beat depression back with a stick. Some days, anyways. I’m more active, less reactive. I found out that I probably really do want kids someday. Well, I think it’d be cool anyways. I’ve embraced more of my artistic side. I’ve tapped into my drive, and have found ways to be more consistent. I just have to figure out how to tie all of the best of myself from before all of this into all of the best of it now, and then deal with all of the stuff within myself that I don’t care much for. It’ll be a process, but it’s one that I’m more than capable of.

There’s something to look forwards to, too. My sister wants to get out of this place, probably even more badly than I do. Doing it as a team makes it more likely that we’ll be able to achieve it, I think. It’d be fun. A brand new adventure, back out into the world, and this time I wouldn’t have to hack it all on my own. There’s so much to the world out there that I could show her, too, that I think she might be missing out on. I hope it works.