#every fucking day i sit here and listen to my mom complain and complain and complain and everyday my mental health deteriorates

[rainbowbuck]

nice day

[jasonntodd]

.

[letstripdotcom]

shut up my moms calling- chris sturniolo x fem!reader

a/n i love naming my fics after songs bc then i listen to them on replay while i write.

summary- coming home from college means seeing the kid you’ve hated most your whole life. chris sturniolo. you’ve hated everything about his existence since the beginning of 6th grade when you transferred to somerville. the summer after your freshman year of college is when everything starts to change.

warnings- long(ish) smut ofc, mention of toxic relationship, choking, pet names (princess, baby, pretty girl) overstimulation {i think that’s all!}

-

6th grade

i just moved from oklahoma to a small town outside of boston called somerville. it was my first day of 6th grade and i was everything but excited to go. i had a good amount of friends in oklahoma, and absolutely none in massachusetts. if it were up to me i would have stayed, but i had no choice because my mom got offered better work down here.

i walked into the crowded classroom with my schedule in hand. “is this mrs sawyers class?” i ask quietly. “yes it is, and you must be y/n?” she looks up at me through her glasses. “y-yes” i utter nervously. “nice to meet you, have a seat wherever” I walk to a more empty side of the classroom and take a seat.

“newww girlll” i voice calls out in a mocking tone when i sit down. when i look up i lock eyes with a boy with short brown hair. hes sat with his 2 triplet brothers and another one of their friends. “yeah?” i say quietly. he starts immediately attacking me with questions

“where are you from? why are you here? what school did you go to last? did you have friends” i’m overwhelmed as questions pour out of his mouth. “chris you’re freaking her out” his brother says. “i’m nick.” he smiles at me. “that’s chris, obviously, and that’s matt”

“hey nice to meet you” the third one says. “oh and that’s nate.” nick says. i nod my head looking at the 4 boys. “i’m y/n” i say. “y/n?” chris says under his breath almost inaudible. “excuse me?” i say turning my head to look at him. “what nothing.” he tries to play it off

“who decided on the name y/n, your mom or your dad?” chris asks with a disgusted but confused look on his face. “it was my mom’s best friend’s name before she passed.” i explained. “tough” he muttered. the whole rest of the class period was filled with his snarky remarks and questions.

over time, as i got closer to matt and nick, the snarky remarks from chris turned into full on arguments. anything i would say would lead to chris having something else to say. i could tell him my head hurts and he would say something along the lines of “maybe if you wouldn’t think so hard about what to say and just shut the fuck up for once that wound be a problem.” i would just roll my eyes and go back to talking to nick

-

this behavior lasted all the way through senior year of high school. i stayed close with nick and matt, which means i was stuck with chris. we got in several heated arguments over the years and they all led to me leaving the triplets house at 2 in the morning because i couldn’t physically be around chris.

our last big fight was the weekend before i left for college. nick wanted to host a small party of about 15 friends for me since i wouldn’t be seeing him again til the summer. we were setting up the decorations and chris was being extra annoying.

“chris can you actually help out and stop acting like a fucking toddler.” i snapped at him while he stood under me watching me hang up a banner. “maybe if you weren’t nagging at me every 30 seconds.” he complained. “i wouldn’t be nagging if you wouldn’t stand in my way instead of actually contributing to anything in this world” i yelled, stepping off the ladder as i finished hanging the banner.

“you act like i wanna do this party. i don’t give a fuck about you.” he spat “i might not even show up tonight because you’ve been a bitch all day long!” my heart dropped and i felt a lump form in my throat. bitch? me and chris never got along but he never called me a bitch

he knew how much i hated it because of a past relationship i had. during junior year, i was in a super toxic relationship with a kid from our school. i was so naive i had thought he had actually liked me but it turns out i was wrong. we would constantly argue and he would gaslight me into forgiving him.

i stared at chris blankly as tears formed in my eyes. “y/n i-“ “fuck you chris.” i cut him off “and yeah i think it’s best you don’t show up tonight.” i ran upstairs to the bathroom and wiped away my tears. i checked in the mirror and adjusted myself before going back down.

-

present day

i hung up the phone with nick and got in my car. i was on my way home from college for the summer, and i finally got to see my best friend. he’s so excited that he rented out a cabin by the lake for a whole week to celebrate. i haven’t seen any of the triplets since i left, i haven’t seen chris since before the party. chris. my stomach dropped and my heart started pounding when the realization hit that i would be seeing chris.

i didn’t want to see him at all. nick said he changed a lot, and maybe he did, but you can never be too sure. and he did change a lot physically. chris was much more attractive then he was in highschool, not that he’s ever been unattractive, other than his personality.

about a few hours later i called nick to tell him i was close to the cabin. i pulled in and nick darted outside. “omgggg it’s been forever” i squealed as i got out of my car. “you have to see the place!” he grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the back of the house. “there’s a hot tub, a massive pool and all of this space.” he gawked at the house. we went inside as he gave me a tour of the house. “this is your room!” he announced pointing inside.

i looked around and it was absolutely beautiful. “thank you so much nick this is amazing” i hugged him. “don’t thank me too much” he said “i had to put you in the room across the hall from chris, i hope you don’t mind because i’ll work something out”

“no that’s totally fine, i’ll just pretend he isn’t even here” i smiled. he smiled back “okay i’ll be downstairs getting everything ready bc we’re gonna have movie night tonight just like high school.” he said as he left my room.

after i got settled in, i took a shower. i picked out my pajamas which was just a big t shirt and shorts and i headed down stairs happily. “there she is!” matt exclaimed, giving me a hug. “matt i missed you so much!” i said hugging him back

after i pulled away, i made eye contact with chris, who was glaring at me and matt. i shot him a calm smile and looked away. wow chris got really hot. you thought to yourself. no, chris is awful. but i couldn’t help but notice his fluffy hair and his defined jawline.

i noticed his sun kissed face, which made his freckles stand out. god i could only imagine what he looked like with my leg- no. remember what chris said to you. i snapped myself out of my thoughts and sat by nick on the the couch. he handed me a blanket and i cuddled up next to him and focused my eyes on the screen

my focus only lasted for about 30 seconds before my mind was back on chris. why hasn’t he spoke to me? because he hates me. duh. i wonder what he’s thinking right now. why am i so worried about chris? “you okay?” nick asks from beside me. “yeah i’m fine” i say in a convincing reassuring tone.

after the movie ends, i say goodnight and i head up to my room. i get situated in my bed, and i try to fall asleep but i can’t. my mind is flooded with thoughts of chris, and the next thing i know my hand is down my pants. what has happened to me?

this is chris sturniolo, the kid who’s bullied me for 7 years. i never imagined i would be getting off to the thought of him at 2 in the morning. i need to go to bed, but i physically can’t.

i get up out of bed and dig through my bags. i grab my pink swim suit and put it on. a get a towel from my bathroom and quietly head down stairs. i go out the back door and get in the hot tub. i zone out and try to find peace of mind.

i sit there with my eyes closed until i hear someone else getting in the water. i open my eyes, only to see chris. great. this is exactly what i need right now. “look y/n” his voice breaks me out of my thoughts. “i’m really sorry for the way i’ve treated you, you didn’t deserve any of it. but, we’re older now so i wanna put the past in the past”

“i forgive you” i say flatly. “really?” he seems genuinely shocked. “can i kiss you?” i asked immediately regretting what i said. “what?” is all he says before i grab my towel and run inside.

i lay on my bed for a split second before i hear a knock. i know it’s chris, but i still go to the door and answer it. i look up at him with a guilty look on my face. before i speak he’s slamming his face into mine.

he kisses me very passionately like he’s been waiting is whole life. he pushes me into my room and shuts the door behind us. he turns me and pushes me against is as he kisses me harder. one of his hands come up and squeeze my neck slightly

i moan into his mouth causing him to squeeze harder. i moan again growing super wet between my legs. one of my hands come up to tug on his hair, while the other one makes its way up his shirt.

with one hand still around my neck, he guides me over to my bed and lays me down flat as he climbs on top of me. “can i?” he asks, toying with the strap of my top. “pls chris” i whine. he unties my top and yanks it off, his mouth immediately meeting my nipple, his available hand massaging my other breast.

i throw my head back and moan as he does whatever he wants. next thing i know, his hand is coming off my throat, and down my body. he stops abt my bottoms before looking at me for confirmation. i nod desperately. his cold hands slip into my bottoms as his fingers meet my clit.

i’m a moaning mess at this point, begging for whatever contact i can get. “god you’re fucking soaked.” he says, his voice raspy and quiet. “fuck chris please touch me.” i beg “whatever you want princess” he says before putting his ring and middle finger inside of me. he quickly pumps in and out for a few seconds before i cut him of. “chris wait” i say

“are you okay did i do something wrong?” he questions. “no but i have an idea.” i tell him. i then instruct him to lay on his back and put his head on the pillow. i watch as he does what i say. once he’s situated i ask him “can i sit on your face?”

i laughed a little inside about how innocent it sounded. “of course princess” he says. i make my way closer to him as i put my legs on either side of his head. i slightly lower myself down, enough to make contact.

my legs shake as i try to hold myself up while he eats me. he lifts me up a little and says “don’t be shy baby, suffocate me.” he grips my waist harder as he pulls me down all the way onto his face. my back arches at the contact.

chris eats me like i was his last meal, i grip the headboard, and struggle to stay quiet while his nose rubs my clit. “chris i’m g-gonna cum” i whine. one of his hands come off my waist and grabs my ass, massaging it. my legs squeeze his head. and i moan uncontrollably as i release all over his face.

after i come down from my high, i get off and straddle his waist. i lean down and kiss him, tasting myself. i grind on his hard on while we kiss, making him grunt. i reach my hand down and palm his boxers as his body twitches.

i go for the band of his swim shorts and slowly pull them down, exposing his hard dick. i look him in the eyes, to get his consent “y/n please” is all i need to hear before i slowly stroke him. he moans and tosses his head back

after a few more strokes, i sit up and line myself up with him. i slowly lower myself onto him, wincing at his size as i feel him in me. once i’m fully sat, i sit still for a minute to adjust. once i’m ready i start bouncing up and down. he puts one hand on my waist to guide me, as the other one makes it way to mu sensitive clit.

“ughh chris don’t stop” i whine as i ride him. my words make him rub my clit even faster than before. my eyes are now practically stuck in the back of my head as i moan out for him. when i’m about to finish, i clench around him, making his mouth fall open. i come all over him, as he helps me through my high

“good job princess.” he grunts i keep riding him until i feel him twitch. “you feel so good pretty girl. i’m almost there.” i clench again, becoming slightly overstimulated. just then he releases, inside of me. after he comes down i slide off and plop on my bed.

“you okay princess?” he asks with concern “overstimulated” is all i can bring myself to mutter. chris picks me up and lays me in a more comfortable spot on the bed. he then heads to my bathroom and comes back with a towel. he helps clean me off before he finds the shorts and shirt i had on earlier.

he helps me put them on, then he puts his shorts on and goes to his room. i feel sad in that moment. how could he to all of that just to leave? just then he enters my room with pajama pants on. “don’t worry i’m not going anywhere.” he whispers as he crawls into bed with me.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••

a/n: kinda love this what do u think?

[harlowhockeystick]

wordless apology being accepted

pretty pls need this with sidney, can be coach!sidney or not, whatever you wanna do 💞

february prompts | coach!sidney x fem!reader

remember how y'all said you wanted the angst....yeah...

"hey, ryan's doing great in practice. he is the best kid a coach could ask for, really," sidney gave his players parents praise in the stands. it was thirty minutes until puck drop. occasionally before games sidney would go up in the bleachers and talk to parents while he could. he wanted to keep the relationship with his player's parent's strong, knowing that he was for their kids just as much as they were.

he sat next to y/n right before going back down to the bench on the ice. his hand subtly rested on her thigh as he listened to you talk about all you did that day, the parent meetings after class. he wished that he had time to actually talk to her, had time to sit with y/n and hear her go into more detail. but mid season he has to find a little bit of time to sit with her where he can.

"carter's getting better every day. i talked to the coach from arizona state today, he called wanting to know about him." sidney said, taking some of the popcorn she held in her hand. whipping her head to make eye contact she felt a few butterflies fluttering about in her stomach, college coaches already?

"but he's a freshman? are they even allowed to reach out when they're freshmen?" those were the questions that y/n was able to put words to, but in her head she had a thousand and one roaming about.

"all i told him was that he's everything a good program needs, he'll only get better with time, but to give me a call in a couple more years. coaches can go look and scout players as young as they want, but typically they don't get offered until they're a junior," sidney explained, "but if they're good...which carter is, then yeah. they can call, i got calls when i was in the eighth grade."

y/n felt intimidated, she isn't ready for conversations with college coaches and she knows carter isn't either. y/n just wants carter to enjoy the innocence of it all before dollar signs get thrown in his face.

"ten minute mark, i better get down there. want me to meet you guys at the restaurant?" she nodded her head and gave him a kiss on the cheek for good luck. by now parents had put two and two together of y/n and sindey's relationship. she had been approached and so has sidney, but for the most part it's been supportive. a few rumors here and there, but how can they complain when their son has the best coach in the country?

sidney starts to walk down the steps and takes a second to get somewhat of an outside perspective on warmups. hands in his pants pocket watching the opposing team but his thoughts were interrupted when a man approached him.

"i have a, uh, question," the man seemed nervous. he was stuttering over his words, not in a drunk way but he was extremely anxious over something. "can you maybe tell me," he took a breath before moving on, "which one my son is?"

sidney was taken back- no, he was floored. is this a joke? is this man serious?

"are you joking with me man?" sidney asked, taking a half step back to face the mans body with his. but from the way sidney looked in his eyes, they were nearly glossed over with fear and intimidation. the man shook his head as he looked on the ice again.

"i've been out of his life, i haven't been a good man and i'll be the first to admit that but, please i gotta start somewhere. saw his picture in the paper and i recognized him from the letters and stuff my mom sends me- his name's carter."

sidney pulled his lip between his teeth. he felt his leg start to shake and his stomach coil from anger, his hands grew sweaty as he balled them up in fists. he looked this man, this small weak man in the eye, he leaned into his level, "your son is number eighty in black. now get the fuck out of my arena before i have you kicked out, you fuckin-"

before sidney could say what he wanted to he felt y/n's hands on his chest pushing him back, "go to the bench, i'll handle him."

sidney looked down at her then back at the man behind y/n. he was still raging with anger on the inside, but did as told and walked down to the bench. when he got down there he watched as she talked to him a little bit before walking him out of the arena.

"what the hell are you doing here, john?" y/n finally asked as they stood out in the cold. she had kept in vague contact with john, trying since they divorced when carter was five to get him to come by at least once. for a birthday, christmas, or even an easter. but he never did.

occasionally he would send a gift card or a card with some cash, but y/n wasn't fully convinced it was him. she had her suspicions that his mother did it. she was involved in her grandson's life; she repeatedly apologized for her son's actions and for his absence. she was just as disappointed as anyone else was.

"'cause i feel horrible, y/n." was all he could say. it was all he had been thinking the past year. "i...i started going to therapy, and i've been trying to get the courage over a year and i just...i wanna be involved. i wanna be there, i wanna get to know my son."

"well you should've thought about that before you walked out on me and your son with your secretary, john. you should have thought about that before you chose a woman who was barely twenty years old over your wife and your child, you had the chance but you lost it."

y/n had so much more to say. she had thought for a long time what she would say if she got the chance. she often rehearsed in her head all that she would say, all that she would yell and scream at john for. she thought about all of it.

"y/n just give me a chance!" john shouted, taking a step closer to y/n not caring about the people who were walking past.

"no. it's not my chance to give. if carter wants to meet up with you then i'll get with your mom, but i could care less. to me you're a fucking loser, john." she felt tears begin to fall down her cheeks as she looked the man she loathed in the eyes for the first time since she last saw him after the divorce was finalized ten years ago.

"leave, just leave. this isn't how carter would want to see you for the first time in ten years anyway," john ducked his head and walked toward the parking lot. y/n turned and went back into the arena to where she was sitting.

a few parents asked her if she was okay, those who knew her and carter's story giving her a hug and a pat on the back. she was appreciative of those around her who supported her and her son.

y/n could barely focus on the game that had already started when she sat back down, her perspective and head space too foggy to even comprehend the game unfolding before her. all she could do was think about the worst days of her life replaying over and over in her head. she was replaying the minute she found out about john's affair, when she packed up her and carter's things and went to her parents house for the time being. she was replaying the divorce meetings, the arguments, the tears.

she was replaying having to explain to her five year old son where his dad went and why he wasn't going to be at home anymore. y/n hadn't gone into full detail with sidney about all of this yet. their relationship was just a few months old and she wanted to protect carter as much as she could. y/n knows and trusts that sidney was and is a good man, but she wants carter to tell what he wants to, not tell for him.

but now she will probably have to.

-

she went ahead and sat in sidney's office, she walked down there a few minutes before the last period ended. she knew that carter had a couple of points on the board, but y/n couldn't remember how he got them. her mind was full of remembering the worst years of her life with her ex husband.

she sat in a chair next to his desk, silently staring at the mess of practice plans, rosters, and scheduling papers strung along his desk. he walked in and shut the door behind him with a thud, plopping his game folder down on his desk. he didn't sit down, he stood with his hands in his pockets looking down at her as she remained sitting.

"you okay?" he asked. she could tell that he was tense, she couldn't figure out why though. they had won the game, the boys played well, and he didn't have anything to worry about. why was he so tense?

y/n nodded her head in response.

"i'll uh, make sure that he doesn't come to another game again." sidney sat down in his chair, resting his chin on his hand. there was an awkward tension in the room. sidney didn't know much about her past marriage, she didn't reveal too much to him. but now he had more questions than ever, he wanted to ask but it was clear she wanted nothing but to keep everything bottled at the moment.

"he seemed like a dick, don't know why anyone would want to marry him." sidney muttered, moving a few things around his desk. but y/n heard him loud and clear.

"what did you just say?" she asked, speaking for the first time since he walked into his office. oh no. he registered what he said, he didn't think before he spoke. he just let his thoughts flow freely off his tongue, shoulda held that one in.

"i- i didn't mean it, y/n i-"

"no, you think i don't regret being married to a man like that? one who was a complete horror of a man? who cheated, who left his wife and child? do you think i'm not embarrassed?" y/n felt tears brim her eyes and she stood up in front of him.

"y/n you know that's not what i meant," he stood up with her and walked around the desk. he put his hands on her shoulders but she slapped them away walking toward the door. she quickly opened it and headed toward the stairs. he thought about running after her but he didn't want to cause a scene. walking back into his office and closing the door he took a spare hockey stick that sat in the corner of the small space and smashed it as hard as he could against the wall, solving his anger in just that moment.

he fucked up.

-

sidney saw a text from carter which had him gathering his keys and putting shoes on his feet.

hey mom hasn't stopped crying since we got home, you know something i don't?

sidney picked up a to-go order on the way to her house, he knew that she wouldn't have eaten anything since leaving the arena. when sidney walked into her house he saw carter sitting at the dinner table eating a bowl of soup watching youtube videos on his laptop. "everything okay?" sidney asked, dumb question.

"i don't know, when i got in the car she was crying. i asked what was wrong and she just shook her head, i thought you guys broke up or something. did you?" carter asked, pausing the video.

"no, we didn't. it's not my place to tell you what happened, but i'll go talk to her." sidney patted carter on the back and walked toward the back master bedroom. he softly knocked on the door, he tried turning the doorknob but she had it locked. "y/n?" he softly asked, knocking again.

he heard sniffles and light footsteps across the wooden door. she unlocked the door and opened it. his heart softened at the sight, her eyes were puffy and her lips were chapped, she wore soft clothes.

walking back to her bed she got in it, pulling the covers over her legs. sidney sat at the foot of her bed and handed the greasy paper sack to her, his form of an apology in that moment. she took the bag and looked inside, a little grin coming on her lips as she saw the bag was full of fries.

she ate the fries in silence, her brain is dull and her head is hurting from crying for two hours straight. sidney sat on the bed with his hand on her leg, just hoping she feels comforted by his presence. he thinks she is, since she didn't take the bag of fries and kick him out.

she sat up, setting the now empty bag on her bedside table, leaned forward to take his hand in hers. sidney scooted closer to her on the bed when she folded her legs. then she gave him a kiss on the cheek, accepting his apology that came in the form of fries.

"i'm sorry for what i said y/n," he whispered again, pressing his forehead against hers. "it slipped out, i shouldn't have said it, i didn't even mean it i-"

"shh, you're forgiven sidney." y/n placed both hands on either side of his face, keeping her forehead against his. she sniffled and sidney parted for a moment, pressing his lips against her soft skin, taking both of her hands in his.

"you don't have to tell me anything about your marriage right now, but i promise, you say the word and i will make sure that he never steps foot anywhere near you or carter again." he tucked some hair behind her ears and kissed the top of her hands.

y/n shook her head, "you don't have to do that." she scooted back toward the pillows that leaned against the headboard, sidney moved on the bed to sit next to her. he put his arm around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head while she laced her fingers with his.

she told him everything that happened in her marriage; she told him about the way john would speak to her in such degrading ways, how john never really made efforts to go to carters special events, how he would make excuses and say things he's in preschool how special could it be? she explained how she found out about john's affair and the messy divorce. right after the divorce john left the state and she never heard from him until five years later. y/n explained how john's mom still keeps in contact with herself and carter, and that she sends john letters and cards with pictures of carter.

sidney felt himself boiling with anger inside, how could someone be that bad of a person? why would anyone want to do such a thing?

"this was the first time in...years that i had seen him in person and it just brought back, everything." tears began to flow through once more and sidney wrapped both arms around her and pulled her in as close as she could. "i don't know what i'd do without you."

[tgmsunmontue]

More than movie magic... 9/24

Hangster AU. Explicit (eventually). Jake is a Hollywood actor and Bradley is a stunt coordinator. Jake's about to make a few self-discoveries. So is Bradley.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

                The reading had gone well, costuming have them all sorted with their respective racks of clothes and they’ve covered the schedule for filming. His first day is officially over, however if he doesn’t eat dinner with his parents there will be hell to pay, so he’s here instead of with the rest of the cast and crew. He’s glad his nieces and nephews are small, otherwise this would be a whole family affair and he knows that’s on the cards on Sunday for lunch.

                “Jake, sit down and eat.”

                “Sorry mom, I’m just…”

                “Distracted. I’m aware. It’s not like you. What is it?”

                “Uh,” he quickly shoves a piece of carrot in his mouth and hopes he can use the fact he’s chewing as an excuse to not answer.

                “Oh, hesitation. Hesitation and misdirection. You don’t want to tell me. Is it a girl? Or a boy?”

                “Man. It’s a man mom,” Jake mutters, because he’s in his early thirties, he’s not interested in boys or girls. Men and women are far better terms. His mom should know this, she’s the freaking English teacher. Not that he wants to be having this conversation with his mom regardless, but she’s like a shark scenting blood in the water, plus she’s one of his closest friends, and also doesn’t hold back when she thinks he’s being an idiot, which he needs sometimes. Maybe this is one of those times? He reaches for his glass of water.

                “A man. Well, that doesn’t narrow it down, there’s quite a lot of them wondering around now. Hmm. Is it Bradley?”

                Jake inhales his drink, coughs, wonders how the hell she’s just randomly guessed and he looks at her through watering eyes, still clearing his throat. Okay. This is definitely one of those times if she already knows. That’s mortifying, but at least he knows it’s just his mom and she knows him better than anyone.

                “Oh it is! Oh good, I like him!”

                “Mom!”

                “What? You complained about him enough, I thought I’d form my own opinion. He’s nice and polite, has a good sense of humor, and can ride a horse. Much better than your last two…”

                Jake pulls a face, because of course she hadn’t said anything at the time when he’d been with either Gabriel or Alicia, but afterwards she’d just told him someone better would come along. The fact that’s she already given Bradley her seal of approval doesn’t make him feel any better.

                “I don’t even know if he’s single.”

                “Oh, he is.”

                “What?” Jake exclaims, because his tired brain is catching up and not only does his mom know Bradley, but it’s like she’s had multiple conversations with him.

                “We talk. And I asked him dear. I’ve been feeding him up. He needs to eat more.”

                “Oh my god, you’ve met him. You’ve talked to him,” Jake says, voice quiet with terrified realization. This is… not good.

                “Every day since he arrived except one. But it’s okay, I sent your father with some cheese biscuits.”

                “Fuck, dad’s met him?”

                “Jake… he’s on your family ranch. He’s also met Freddie and Andy, and well… he’s been here for two weeks.”

                “You haven’t had him here have you?” Jake asks, looking around at the embarrassing number of childhood shots of him and his siblings.

                “Well, not for lack of trying. He keeps on turning my invitations down, saying he needs to work. Maybe you could invite him.”

                “Mom…”

                “Yes dear?”

                “Can you just, uh, leave it for a couple of days at least?”

                She looks at him then, slight frown on her face telling him that she’s considering listening to him and he’s grateful for small miracles.

                “Oh Jake…”

                “I know… I know okay? I just… he’s smart and clever and so good at everything he does.”

                “You’re smart, clever and good at everything you do too honey.”

                “You’re my mom, you’re meant to say that.”

                “Well, I also thought your days being dumb over a boy, sorry, man, were behind you, so maybe not that clever.”

                “Thanks mom,” Jake mutters, stabbing at the vegetables on his plate.

                “Jake, have you considered that he’s intimidated by you?”

                “Uh… I think the last thing Bradley is, is intimidated by me. He’s very used to telling me no.”

                Actually that might be part of it, he’s so used to hearing Bradley tell him no he’s just assumed he’d hear it again if he did actually ask him out. He remembers Bradley meeting him, not being at all phased by Jake’s fame. And he knows most people are over it when they work in Hollywood, however there’s usually a little bit of something. All Bradley had seemed at the time was annoyed. He knows Bradley considered Pete Mitchell family, deals with Jake on a professional level because he’s nothing if not a consummate professional. Although he does seem to watch Jake, maybe as much as Jake watches him. Okay. Maybe he’s not got zero chances.

                “Have you asked him out?”

                “No.”

                “Then I suggest you do. Not everyone else is going to make the first move for you honey. I’ll give you until Saturday.”

                “Why? What’s happening Saturday?”

                “Then I ask him out for you, like you’re four and I’m organizing a little playdate between you and a friend.”

                “Mom! You wouldn’t…”

                “Do you feel totally confident in that?”

                He looks at her and he really doesn’t. She might be his biggest fan and supporter, but she’s also the first to bring him sharply back to earth if she thinks his head is getting too big. Or if he’s being stupid and going to miss out on something.

                “Honey, you have a choice. Either face potential embarrassment of asking him and him maybe saying no. Or there will be the definitive and absolute embarrassment of me asking him, which I can assure you will be so much more humiliating for you on every level I can think of…”

                Jake is getting traumatic flashbacks to his teen years; the time his mom danced in the grocery aisles to her favorite song, or when she screamed his name across the quad at school, telling him he forgot his lunch and then gave him a sparkly pink plastic lunchbox covered in Hello Kitty stickers while she was wearing a bathrobe (impressive and annoying considering she was a teacher and fully dressed under the bathrobe). God, he really cannot trust her not to go through with it.

PART TEN

[butterflyinthewell]

Behind a cut so people don’t have to see me rant about my disabled, emotionally abusive dad.

So my dad fell twice in the last five days due to not listening to me and mom. He has Parkinson’s and if you dig through my posts you’ll see me talk about it, so I won’t go into it.

I don’t hate disabled people, just him. I don’t hate him for having Parkinson’s, I hate him for the abuse he inflicted on me and still inflicts on me with his disability as a crutch to get away with it. And I call out ableism when the problems we have with him are caused by the medical care system, because sometimes it’s not his fault.

But THIS situation IS his fault.

SO ANYWAY…

Last Friday, he fell because he wouldn’t stop rocking sideways every time he got up. He gets up with help and uses a walker, but he throws his weight around when he knows me and mom are two tiny women compared to a hulking huge man.

And he fell.

We had to call my aunt and uncle over to get his ass off the damn floor and onto his toilet commode so he could take a shit. Then they got him into bed. He claimed he was fine, and then on Tuesday he started griping that his lower back and buttcheek hurt on the left side. But he could walk and didn’t complain much after the initial gripe.

Today, he was all scrunched up in bed in a way that guarantees his back will hurt and made his pain worse, like I told him it would (and he wouldn’t listen to me).

Mom took him out into the living room and he fell on the way, AGAIN, because he kept rocking his weight around.

Now get this, he doesn’t throw his weight like that when therapists would come over. Dad will be an angel for them, but a nightmare for me and mom. He cooperates for professionals, but not family. He does everything in his power to make life as hard as possible for me and mom. I’m not kidding when I say that.

He goes to the doctor on Monday to find out what the fuck he did to himself, but it’s going to be a nightmare.

My birthday is coming up and of COURSE he does this right before it, and ruins any excitement I had.

Before you attack me for that, keep in mind that he pulls shit like this all the time. He knows everyone will be sympathetic to him while looking at mom and me like we’re evil for being exhausted, angry and burnt out.

The fact that we can’t afford to put him anywhere or get help into this house means we have no lives outside of caregiving. Every waking moment until we sleep is him and all his emotionally abusive bullshit, every day with no breaks, forever. He has ruined holidays, birthdays and plans because his only joy in life is making everyone around him as miserable as he is.

I’ve managed to eke out a few moments of joy here and there, but for the most part my life is a slog that never ends.

I laugh at the people who acted like COVID lockdowns were depriving them of life. I won’t deny that it was a traumatic experience, and this is not aimed at people who got sick anyway and now have long covid. This ain’t you, don’t worry.

But the people who acted so inconvenienced that their social lives got interrupted? Fuck off.

I’ve lived something like the COVID lockdowns for over a decade. No life outside of my house, no life outside of being a caregiver for someone who is sucking away all my compassion and love.

I can’t leave because I’m disabled too and all the legal shit is inaccessible to me.

I’m trapped, mom is trapped, and we are eventually going to die from the stress while he sits there yelling at us for not jumping to his every whim.

My only escape is writing fanfics and staring dead-eyed at my ipad screen, interrupted constantly by him demanding things.

I have accumulated so much trauma from him, and COVID, and mom having medical crises that were resolved, and my needs not being met, that I’ll be surprised to see 45. I will be shocked if I wake up alive on my 45th birthday.

I turn 43 this July 29, 2023, so yeah.

If I don’t die, my mom is going to, and if she goes we’re all dead.

I just hope I go first. Either heart attack or stroke will probably do it, but I don’t want to outlive her and be alone with him.

No child should be trapped as a caregiver for a disabled abusive parent, but it happens and nobody talks about it.

[oceanbug]

when worlds collide

smau non!idol ningning x reader

11.5. yoo jimin.

•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•

Senior Valedictorian; Volleyball Captain, who led Spring Hill’s team to their first tournament victory in over 30 years; And the most wanted girl at Spring Hill High.

She was a legacy; no one else could compare to her. Yet she was still so humble.

She still went home every day and helped her mom cook dinner. She still volunteered at her local pet adoption center. She still stayed behind every day and tutored anyone who needed the help.

Yoo Jimin was golden.

 ___________________________________

Jimin’s P.O.V

Three Years Prior, Spring Hill High School

“Jimin, come sit here! Right here! Hey! Over here! J.I.M.I.N Y.O.O” 

Normally, having someone scream out your full government name would be concerning, but not for you since it was a daily occurrence. It was none other than your loud, eccentric friend, Ah Yujin.

“Shut up! Everyone’s staring at you, dumbass.” And there goes your equally loud friend, Y/n L/n.

Everyone was staring at your friends, but that never bothered you; you were used to it. You did, however, dislike the comments that came with it.

“How could someone like her be friends with them?”

“Doesn’t she have the highest GPA of our senior class? And isn’t Yujin failing every course, including study hall?”

“She’s so pretty; she’d be even prettier if she lost that rat pack of hers.”

You couldn’t seem to understand why their opinions mattered. Why couldn’t you be friends with people you like? Why is it such an inconvenience to everyone else? They didn’t know your idiot friends like you did, so how could they have such awful words to say? Still, you walked past everyone and showed a bright smile in front of your best friends. So, if they ever heard everyone’s opinions, you could at least show them that you don’t care about everyone's negative views. It's not like your friends could listen to anything over Yujin’s screaming, but just as a precaution, you smile extra brightly every day.

“I’m less than two feet away from you, Yu.”

“Just making sure you remember where to sit!” Yujin was practically bouncing off the walls; you couldn’t understand where she got all this energy from.

“We sit at the same table every day, Yu.”

“Hey, Jimin.” The same chipper yet quieter voice came from the other half of the table.

“Heya Y/n.” Y/N was always pretty quiet; you just chalked it up to nervousness. Yujin always knew how to draw a crowd with her antics, so it wouldn’t surprise you if Y/N felt overwhelmed by the attention.

“What’s got you bouncing around today, Yu? You’re usually hyper, but it looks like you took it up a notch.”

“She’s acting like she just had four megadoses of cocaine.” You laughed since your friends always had a way with words. You wished you could speak freely, but that would go against your character.

Your character.

“How could you not be excited? Graduation is less than FOUR days away.”

“You’re just excited to party.”

“Well duh? High School was a fucking drag. Of course, I’m excited to celebrate leaving this place.”

“Maybe if you joined a club, or, I don’t know, applied yourself, it wouldn’t be such a drag.”

“You sound like my mother; sorry, we can’t all be perfect like Yoo Jimin.”

That stung. You hated that phrase. You hated being the one everyone compared themselves to. Was it so bad that you worked hard? Can’t they get off their asses every once in a while and help out? No, instead, they’re too busy blaming you for setting an impossible standard. They blamed you for being Yoo Jimin. Fuck being Yoo Jimin.

You couldn’t say any of this, though; it would be out of character for you. All you could do was smile and laugh. You’re Spring Hill’s golden child; why complain about being told you’re perfect?

 _______________________________________

And so,

All your hard work ended up being worth it. You guess? Here you were at the same graduation party as everyone else. Going to the same college as your close friends. The same college as your friend Yujin, who graduated with a 2.3 GPA, while you graduated with a perfect 4.0. The same college as your friend Y/N, who never did an extracurricular activity in their life while you did in 7.

... Why did you work so hard?

Well, that doesn’t matter now. At least you get to have fun and celebrate with all your friends.

Speaking of which, why was your friend Yujin talking to, Wonyoung?

The Jang Wonyoung? What could she possibly have in common with Yujin?

Why didn't Yujin tell you they were friends? You always got caught up with all the work you did, but you always made time for your friends. Did Yujin not feel close enough to tell you? Since you were too busy being Yoo Jimin? Had the image you worked so hard to maintain caused your friendship to drift apart?

Before you had the chance to speak to Yujin, you felt a sudden voice come slithering into your ear. It was Ning Yi Zhuo.

“Yeonjun’s here with that bitch he left me for; it’ll totally make him jealous if we kiss, don’t you think? He’s a total asshole for cheating on me; he deserves this.”

No. Why would you agree to that? Sure, you heard the rumors about Yeonjun cheating. You agreed that he deserved some sort of payback. But not with you. Why would someone like you kiss Ningning? The school’s known rich bitch? That wasn’t very in character for you. That wasn’t very Yoo Jimin.

…… Fuck Yoo Jimin. You just wanted to live life normally; you wanted to drink and curse. Fail an exam. Stay out past midnight and trespass around town. You hated the high pedestal everyone put you on. You didn’t want to be ‘The Yoo Jimin.’ You just wanted to be Jimin.

So, you kissed Ningning.

•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•

masterlist ~ next

(Synopsis) Y/N had never been the type to take life for granted. You grew up with the mindset that if you wanted something, you had to work for it; So getting paired up with the university’s “Rich Bitch” Ning Yi Zhuo for your midterm was the last thing you wanted. Are you willing to step into the world of fame for an A+?

taglist (open): @azraism ; @kimsgayness ; @sewiouslyz ; @winieter ; @llluvbluy ; @i06kkura ; @everydayiloveyves ; @edamboon

[tolietpaperdreams]

HYSTERIA CHAPTER 3

You’ll be happy to know that I'm a liar 🫶🏻

Got a little carried away, and Hysteria is now going to be four parts! How exciting, hope everyone likes angst cause this chapter is FULL of it.

Thank you for reading as always love ya 💕

New couples always seemed to have the habit of not being able to keep their hands off of each other. Bret and Shawn were no exception to that. Bret specifically, found a libido that he thought he’d lost.

He was enamored with Shawn’s body, every reaction and noise the blonde made to his touches drove him wild. If he wasn’t thinking about work, he was thinking about the next position he could put Shawn in.

At first, no one else seemed to notice or care that Bret and Shawn would sneak off to the supply closet or how neither of them wanted to go out and party after a show, instead rushing back to the hotel room to celebrate by themselves.

Everything was fine until Scott came into the locker room one day pissed about how he couldn't sleep the night before.

“I swear to god man, all I could hear was ‘Ohhh don't stop Bret!! Your dick is so big!! Keep fucking me oohhhh my gooood!!’” Scott mocked Shawn’s voice as high-pitched and girlie, but he got the point across.

Bret wasn't as comfortable talking about his sex life in front of the others as Shawn was. He didn't seem to care at all if he was getting made fun of by his friends, but maybe that was just how comfortable they all were with each other. Just sitting there listening to Scott describe in detail everything he heard made Bret’s face feel hot.

He hadn't even told Owen, Jim, or Davey what had been going on yet. It was obvious that Owen had his suspicions, his little brother knew him better than most and could tell there was a reason that Bret didn't seem as miserable. Jim and Davey on the other hand were sort of bitter that Bret hadn't been hanging around as much, only showing up when they were working or traveling. It had only been a few weeks, but he still felt bad about the distance.

“I’ve walked into the showers and Bret’s tongue has been all the way down Shawn’s asshole, and you're complaining about some moaning?” Kevin retorted, shivering at the memory.

Bret felt the color drain from his face. That was not something he had planned on reliving anytime soon. It was an accident. Sort of.

After a particularly fun house show one night, Bret was feeling a little adventurous. He'd never tried it before and Shawn wasn't going to say no to something that felt good. Kevin just walked into the showers at a horrible time.

The act itself was fantastic, it was just Kevin’s screams of horror that made Bret’s skin crawl at the memory. He still took Shawn back to the hotel that night and finished the job.

“Okay okay,” Shawn said chuckling and waving his hands in surrender, “That's enough about my asshole.”

Bret let out a sigh of relief.

“But it’s such a hot topic around here lately,” Hunter added conveniently as he walked into the locker room.

“You’d know wouldn't you?” Kid nodded in Hunter’s direction.

Bret really hoped that was a joke because the last thing he needed was to suddenly start acting jealous around Shawn’s friends. He liked Hunter and thought he was a good guy with a level head on his shoulders, but Bret didn't share very well.

Shawn must have sensed the quick shift in Bret’s demeanor so he reached over and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, “They’re stupid.”

Squeezing back, Bret returned the smile. He trusted Shawn and his friends weren't bad, maybe a little immature for his taste, but they had each other’s backs.

“No, but I would know what your mom’s looks like,” Hunter jabbed back, earning a punch on his shoulder from Kid.

Hunter laughed and rubbed his shoulder before continuing, “Anyways, the boss wants to see you two,” he pointed in Bret and Shawn’s direction.

Kevin broke the long silence that followed, “That can't be good.”

***

The time had come. Bret knew it was coming eventually, but he’d spent so much time shoving it into the back of his brain with everything else going on that it hadn't been a major factor up until now.

Bret would drop the belt to Shawn.

It wasn't because he had done anything wrong; he'd been the champion for months. It was Shawn’s turn to be at the top, it was as simple as that. Bret had put other performers over plenty of times, he wasn't a sore loser, but for some reason, hearing it out loud from the boss made his gut drop.

They walked out of Vince’s office in silence. Shawn didn't seem to have a reaction; maybe he was too scared to show Bret how he was feeling about it.

“I think I should um…” Bret stopped, he didn't know what the next move was, “I think I need to talk to Owen.”

“Good idea,” Shawn kept his tone neutral, but his face was dejected.

Bret didn't have the guts to meet his eyes, “I’ll see you tonight.”

There was an uncomfortable silence that lasted far too long. Bret should say something, he should congratulate Shawn on this, but his own feelings about dropping the belt swelled up. He leaned in and gave Shawn a quick kiss before walking away, leaving the blonde standing in the hall.

It was a horrible thing to do, leaving Shawn standing there, but he wasn't sure what else to do. He owed him an apology, but first, he had to see Owen and fill his brother in on the situation. There was no one else he could talk to.

When Bret found Owen back at the hotel, he didn’t hesitate to spill everything he had been holding back. He told Owen about Shawn, their newly budding romance, dropping the belt, his mixed feelings about it, and feeling terrible about being distant. It was like he word-vomited trying to get his point across, not letting Owen get a word in.

“I don't know if I can do this,” Bret was sitting on the couch in Owen’s room as he raved about his predicament.

He could hardly believe he was coming to his youngest brother for a problem like this, but Owen had a family. In a way, his brother was more emotionally mature than him.

“So you’re fucking Shawn?” Owen asked, ignoring every other part of Bret’s tirade.

Exhaling through his nose, Bret gave his brother a look, “Yes, Owen.”

“Davey owes me twenty bucks.”

“You guys bet on this?” Bret scoffed.

“Jim did too, but he was on my side,” Owen said nonchalantly.

“Owen!”

“Sorry,” His brother shrugged, “Are you using protection?”

“Jesus Christ dude, I can't knock him up,” He regretted his decision to talk already.

“I know but- y’know,” Owen raised a brow.

Bret was quick to defend, “I don't like what you're implying.”

“I’m not implying anything!” Owen held his hands up in surrender, “I don't know how guys do ‘stuff.’”

Bret could feel his head begin to throb, “Owen, I didn't come here to tell you about my sex life.”

“I mean you kinda did.”

He was starting to think that he deserved this torment from his little brother.

“Whatever, that's not what I meant,” Bret exhaled again, wanting to start the conversation over, “The belt. What should I do?”

The answer was right there. Drop the belt. Shawn deserved it, he worked his ass off to prove himself in the company so what was the problem? Was he just selfish? He’d run off from Shawn in the hallway like he was diseased; he couldn’t imagine what the blonde was even thinking right now.

“Drop the belt,” Owen said without hesitation.

“It’s not that simple,” Bret shook his head, eyes locked on the floor.

“You said it wasn’t that simple about having feelings for Shawn too but it literally was. So now is the first test of the relationship, are you willing to give up the title for him?”

“That’s the problem,” Bret sighed and moved his gaze to his little brother, “I don’t know if I am.”

Owen didn’t say anything for a moment; like he was considering his words very carefully.

“Then maybe you’re not ready to be with him.”

It was a gut punch. It hurt more than it should have, which is how Bret knew it might be the truth. He didn’t want to break up with Shawn, they were still in the process of getting to know each other in the romantic sense. It was still the beginning, and for the first time in his life, Bret didn’t feel so alone.

He had thought he was ready for a relationship the moment they kissed, but was it all in his head? They moved so fast that Bret had mentally left the belt in the dust. It was the thing that he had worked tirelessly for, for decades. And in the end, the excitement of the new relationship would fade, wouldn’t it? Shawn would probably get bored and move on, but just the thought of that made Bret sick to his stomach.

Shawn was undoubtedly one of the greatest things to happen to him, but was it too good to be true?

***

That night at the hotel, Bret was still distant and stand-offish. Shawn offered him a spot to go to dinner with the guys but he declined, he told the blonde to go enjoy himself and that he deserved it. It was the closest thing he’d given Shawn to a ‘congratulations.’

He thought about going to make amends with Jim and Davey, but Owen told him he would pass word to them after their talk.

So that left Bret to sit and stare at the ceiling. He could go work out, but his head wasn’t in it. He missed Shawn and wanted to hold him and apologize for being weird about this, but he saw the look on Shawn’s face when he told him he didn’t feel like eating out.

He noticed the way that Shawn clenched his jaw and the sadness in his eyes. God, he was such a jerk. A selfish jerk. Shawn was the type, despite his good looks and cocky attitude, that needed some reassurance now and then. Bret had a lot to think about, but he shouldn’t tear Shawn down in the process.

An idea popped into his head after a while. He would go down the street to a little corner store and get Shawn some flowers. Or a card. Anything to show the blonde that he was happy for him and sorry for acting funny.

Half an hour later, he did exactly that. Bret had no idea what he was doing as he stood around and stared at all the different options. Roses were too corny, but Lilies didn’t scream ‘Shawn’ to him. He was the opposite of a kid in a candy store, whatever that would be.

“Can I help you?” A tiny old woman asked from behind the counter.

That social awkwardness that always caused Bret’s throat to close up when he talked to new people reared its ugly head, “Uh, I don’t- I’m not sure- “ He took a second and cleared his throat, “Yes, I need some help.”

“Well, what’s the occasion?” She moved from behind the counter over to Bret.

The old lady was over a foot shorter than him but for some reason, he was the one that lacked confidence. He was very out of his element.

“I need to apologize to my- to someone,” Bret gave the lady an unsure look.

“Not very good with words, are you, sweetheart?” The lady gave him a gentle pat on the arm.

He shook his head in response, biting the inside of his cheek.

“Well that's quite alright, you’re in the right place,” She grabbed a small bouquet of some flowers he didn’t recognize.

“Orchids, dear,” She looked them over for impurities, “They symbolize strength and unity, a very resilient flower.”

That’s exactly what he needed.

“How much?”

***

Back at the hotel, Bret paced back and forth as he waited for Shawn to come back. The old lady at the shop gave him a deal on the flowers and told him that everything would be alright. It was like she read his body language to a tee.

He wasn’t one for trusting strangers much, but she seemed nice enough. Hopefully, Orchids would do the trick.

Yelling down the hallway snapped Bret out of his thoughts. He could recognize that voice in a heartbeat; Shawn was always loud with his friends and he didn’t much care whenever someone filed a noise complaint in a hotel or somewhere else.

Holding the flowers behind his back, Bret waited for the door to unlock and to greet Shawn with a much better attitude. But the door never unlocked, instead, he was met with loud banging on the door and a much different voice.

“Bret! Get out here!”

Hunter’s voice. Of course, it was Hunter, it was always him. Bret quickly shoved the flowers into a nightstand drawer and moved to answer the door.

As soon as he opened it, he was met with a very pissed-off Hunter, but no Shawn.

He raised a brow, immediately confused, “Did you lose him or something? I thought I just heard his voice.”

“No, he went to my room,” Hunter said with no amusement.

A spike of jealousy ran down his spine, but she shoved it down.

“Why?” Bret knew this was leading nowhere good.

“Because,” Hunter continued, “Shawn spent the entire dinner ‘boohooing’ about how you started to give him the cold shoulder after you met with Vince today.”

Bret tried, but was interrupted, “I can explain-“

“You don’t need to. The moment it came time for you to put someone else above yourself, you flaked,” Hunter was not open to hearing Bret out.

It was personal now; because it wasn’t that Hunter was irritated about Bret being too dumb to see the signals that Shawn was sending, but now it was about how Bret hard hurt Shawn. It clearly didn’t sit well with the younger man.

“Just let me talk to him,” Bret did his best to keep his cool, this could all be explained. He would tell Shawn that he was sorry and that he was stupid to even second-guess anything.

Hunter huffed, ”You guys are adults, you can talk to him all you want, but I doubt he’ll listen.”

“Why are you even here?” Bret scoffed, the ability to stay calm was suddenly fleeting.

Shawn had run off to another man’s bedroom, and Bret was the one getting a lecture. It was almost comical.

”Because I was trying to give you a heads up, dickhead. Shawn’s not exactly-“

Before Hunter could finish, there was a loud crash from down the hall. A glass bottle shattered outside the door of Hunter’s room.

“Hitman!” Shawn yelled, emerging into the hallway. He was angry and intoxicated.

Bret’s gut dropped, there was no dealing with Shawn when he was like this. It wasn’t the Shawn he’d gotten to know behind closed doors; the one that loved to watch the TV on low volume because he secretly craved the quiet or the one that woke Bret up with sweet kisses all over his face just because he wanted to. No, this was the Heartbreak Kid. The showboat and antagonist.

He couldn't think of anything to do; he hadn't dealt with Shawn when he was like this. This was the first time it was his problem, at least. Bret gave Hunter a pleading look, but he knew that ultimately, Shawn was his to handle now.

“Shawn, you should keep it down,” Bret suggested.

It wasn’t a command; he just didn’t want to deal with a noise complaint while also managing to get Shawn to calm down.

”Oh, so now you can tell me what to do?” Shawn slurred as he made his way over to them, “I don’t think so, champ. Or should I say soon-to-be ‘former’ champ?”

The jab hit its mark. Bret knew he couldn’t take anything that Shawn said at the moment seriously, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt.

”Just come inside so we can go to bed,” he urged, putting a hand on Shawn’s shoulder.

”Don’t touch me,” The blonde mumbled and half-assedly jerked away, “You hate me.”

”I don’t hate you, Shawn. We can talk about this in the morning,” Bret moved more into the hallway so he could steer Shawn in the right direction.

He jerked away again from Bret’s touch, this time weakly swatting his arm, “He hates me,” he said again towards Hunter.

”Shawn you need to go to bed,” Was all Hunter added.

”Fine,” Shawn grumpily pointed at Bret, “But I’m not going with you.”

Bret shook his head. That was not acceptable. Shawn was drunk and needed to be taken care of, and it was Bret’s job to do so. Maybe there were some ground rules they needed to set because Bret was not comfortable with Shawn sleeping in another man’s room. Even if it was just to sleep.

“Honey-” Bret tried, but Shawn butt in.

“Don’t ‘honey’ me, you jerk,” Shawn drunkenly shoved a finger into Bret’s chest, “I just said you don't get to tell me what to do.”

“It’ll shut him up if you just let him come with me,” Hunter added.

It wasn't that Bret didn’t trust Hunter, but this situation was just not ideal. He was failing at being a good partner; he couldn't even get Shawn to sleep in the same room with him.

“No, I'm sleeping out here,” Shawn crossed his arms, like an angry child.

“You're not sleeping in the hallway!” Both Bret and Hunter said at the same time.

Bret didn’t see another option at this point, he needed to set his feelings aside. At last, he relented.

”Okay fine, take him to yours,” He sighed and gave Hunter a look, both of them knowing that just taking Shawn to Hunter’s room till he passed out was probably the easiest option, “Just get some water into him if you can.”

“Not my first time,” Hunter shrugged as he turned a pouty Shawn away and led him to his room.

Once they were gone, Bret went back inside and sat on the bed. He pulled the Orchids out from the drawer and stroked a purple petal with his thumb. Everything had gone so much worse than he thought.

***

Bret left the hotel door unlocked in case Shawn decided to come wandering back into their room in the night, but he hadn’t shown.

The Orchids were now moved into a makeshift vase made out of the paper coffee cups that the hotel had lying around.

Hopefully, after the catastrophe that was last night, Shawn would hear him out. Bret knew he was wrong in his initial reaction to dropping the belt, but he was doing his best to fix it. Owen’s words rang through his head. Maybe you’re not ready to be with him. That couldn’t be right. Owen didn’t know what he was talking about.

That morning, Bret saw that Shawn’s stuff was still in the room, so there was hope. He got up and got dressed for the gym. They had to hit the road at noon, but there was still plenty of time. He would hit the hotel gym and hope that Shawn was in the room when he came back. He left the orchids out as a peace offering.

The sight of Shawn sitting on the bed when came back from his workout startled him. Evidently, the blonde was a little worse for wear. His long hair was unkempt and he looked exhausted, but that's what alcohol did.

“Hey,” Bret offered gently, entering the room and tossing his gym bag on the nearby couch.

Shawn looked up from where his chin was resting on his hands, “Hey.”

“You feeling okay?” He wanted to approach the blonde but was hesitant.

“Yeah I'm- I'm fine,” Shawn answered softly, remorse in his voice.

They sat in silence for a moment before Bret finally made a move. He walked over to Shawn and grabbed his hand, urging him to stand. Neither said anything as Bret pulled Shawn into a hug. The blonde melted in his arms, burying his face into Bret’s neck.

This was the Shawn he knew. The one that was secretly needy and wanted comfort. They did have to talk about everything but for the moment, Bret was content to stand there and hold Shawn till he was ready to talk. It was a hiccup. Relationships had hiccups, didn't they?

Bret pressed a kiss into Shawn’s hair and gave a reassuring squeeze around his waist. They stayed like that for a while longer before Shawn broke the silence.

“Was that our first fight?” His voice was slightly muffled from where he dug his face into the crook of Bret’s neck.

He let out a small laugh in response, “No way.”

“Our first one as a…” Shawn stood up straight and pointed a finger back and forth between them, “Whatever we’re calling this.”

“Well,” Bret still held onto Shawn’s hand as they both sat down on the edge of the bed, “What do you want to call it?”

He wasn't expecting the bombshell that Shawn hit him with.

“I know what I want to call this, but I don't think you do,” Shawn said, remorsefully.

Bret didn't fully understand what Shawn was getting at. There was a lot they had to discuss, but he thought they were eventually going to get the hang of this.

“What do you mean?” Bret asked, thumb stroking over Shawn’s knuckles, much like he did with the flower petal the night prior.

“I know what I want, Bret,” Shawn said directly.

“Well, I’m willing to give you whatever you want,” Bret added.

Shawn shook his head and sighed, “You’re not listening.”

“What?”

“You’re not hearing what I'm saying,” Shawn squeezed Bret’s hand for emphasis, “What do you want?”

“What I want doesn't matter-”

“Are we just going to sit here and pretend that yesterday didn't happen? That the moment we found out about the title change you didn’t become a different person?” Shawn explained as he took his hand away from Bret’s.

“You wouldn't even talk to me, let alone tell me how you were feeling,” Shawn continued, “You want the easy answer, the quickest fix, and that's not going to work.”

The remnants of Shawn’s touch almost stung. Bret wanted it back, wanted all the fighting to stop. Maybe he did only want the easy way out.

“I got overwhelmed and I'm sorry,” Bret reached for the blonde’s hand again but was met with him pulling away, “It was just a lot to take in at the time, I'm fine now. I wouldn't want to drop the belt to anyone else.”

Maybe you're not ready to be with him. Those stupid words haunted Bret’s thoughts again. Putting doubts into every little thing he said.

“It’s not about the belt, Bret,” He could see the frustration rise on Shawn’s face, “It’s about the fact that I feel like I don't even know you.”

Bret stood, suddenly irritated, “You spent the last three months trying to piss me off every chance you got, but I have to take a little time to think about a giant career change, and all the sudden ‘you don't know me?’”

“You don't think I deserve it,” Shawn stood and got in his face, “You just want to give me what I want so I’ll shut up.”

“Don’t tell me what I think,” Bret’s tone darkened, “And don’t act like you're totally innocent in this.”

“What are you talking about?” Shawn huffed.

“I’m starting to wonder if I need to be concerned about Hunter,” Bret accused as he met Shawn’s glare.

The shock on Shawn’s face was apparent, “Excuse me?”

“You slept in his room last night, why don't you tell me all about your sleepover with your ‘best friend?’ Bret knew he was reaching, but he was looking for any sort of ground to stand on.

Shawn’s tone softened, hurt by Bret’s accusation, “Don’t talk about Hunter that way.”

“Oh, so I do need to be concerned?” Bret was losing his senses; he was never good at losing an argument.

“You don’t know shit about the things Hunter and I have been through together,” The blonde shook his head, “To even think…”

Bret quickly realized he had gone too far, “Shawn, you're right, I shouldn't have-”

“Call me when you're ‘ready to be with me,’” Shawn said dismissively and turned to grab his things.

“Who did- how-” Bret wanted to claw his own skin off.

“You think I wasn't gonna talk to your brother after you disappeared all day?” Shawn tossed his bag over his shoulder and walked past Bret.

“Shawn wait- that's not-” Bret turned to plead with the other man.

Shawn stopped by the table where the Orchids sat in their poor excuse for a vase.

He gently touched a petal and sighed, “I’m sorry about last night, but I can't handle the thought of being with someone who's unsure about being with me.”

***

Bret drove the five hours to the next show alone. It gave him a lot of time to think, but of course, the only person on his mind was Shawn. How in that last moment before Shawn left the room, he saw the blonde reach for the Orchids but left them sitting there in the end. The sudden spike of hope shot down.

There was no anger at Shawn; only sadness. Bret had let him down. And he didn't know how or when, but he’d have to fix it. For real this time.

It was late afternoon when he arrived at the arena for the next house show. He thought about looking for Shawn or the guys but he knew that if he showed his face around Hunter, Scott, Kevin, or even Kid it was no use. They were Shawn’s friends first.

Which left Bret to find Owen, Davey, and Jim backstage. Sudden anger boiled in his gut once he laid eyes on his little brother. He felt betrayed.

“Fucking asshole,” He dropped his bag and charged after Owen, pushing him into the wall, “Do you have any fucking idea what you've done?”

“What’s your problem?” Owen pushed back, but Bret had a grip on his t-shirt.

Jim and Davey moved in to separate the two, but Bret held tight.

“You had to tell him everything, didn't you?” Bret was seething.

“I was being honest, dickhead. Get off of me!” Owen gripped onto Bret’s wrists, trying to push him back.

Bret wouldn't hit his brother. He knew he wouldn't, but that didn't mean he wouldn't teach Owen a lesson.

The force of Jim, Davey, and Owen together finally forced Bret to let go and he was pushed back, hard.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jim looked between the brothers, shocked at what he was seeing.

“You just wanted me to lie to him?” Owen questioned, ignoring what Jim was saying.

“You piece of shit, you told him I wasn't ready,” Bret’s voice cracked, anger and sadness all mixing together to create something much worse.

Davey and Jim were obviously confused but didn't interject.

“All I did was tell him what I got out of the conversation,” Owen snapped back, “Sorry for trying to save feelings.”

“You didn't save any feelings, Owen!” Bret didn't realize there were tears in his eyes until it was too late, “He left.”

“Who left, what’s going on?” Davey interjected.

“This is on you, Bret. I did what anyone else would have done,” Owen spat unapologetically.

It was too late, Bret was too overwhelmed. The frustrated tears fell down his face and he couldn't stop them. He was embarrassed and desperate to blame someone even though he knew Owen was right. The tears weren't there if he didn't acknowledge them, but Davey and Jim were already giving him sympathetic looks.

The belt, Shawn, how he’d been treating his friends and brother lately, it was all too much. He was made to handle the pressure; he was built to take hit after hit, but this time it all came crashing down.

Bret broke down and cried.

In such a short amount of time, he’d gained everything he’d ever wanted and still managed to mess it all up. His career was important to him but the belt would come and go, that’s how the beast operated.

In his few hours of doubt, Bret had managed to make Shawn feel like their relationship was one-sided. That all Bret cared about was some stupid belt, and not supporting or caring for his partner. God, he was such an idiot.

“What have I done?” Bret shoved the palms of his hands into his eyes, desperate to stop the tears. He couldn't be seen like this, his friends couldn’t see him lose control. He didn’t cry, he’d never cry.

“Hey man, it’s alright,” Jim put a hand on his shoulder, “Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay.”

Bret continued to viciously wipe at the tears but they just kept coming. He couldn’t stop them. Even Owen didn’t seem angry anymore as he came over to comfort him.

Bret shook his head, “You guys shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Oh shut up,” Davey rolled his eyes, but there was a tenderness in his voice, “Yes we do.”

Where would he even begin to explain what was going on? Owen knew, but he didn’t know the events of last night or this morning. How both he and Shawn had said regrettable things, but Bret was the one who had done the most damage.

Owen made Bret look at him; he knew his eyes were red and puffy but his brother kept his gaze.

“Bret, Shawn never said anything about wanting to leave you,” Owen said as gently as he could, “He just wants you to be sure.”

“This is about Shawn?” Jim asked, still frustrated at being left out of the loop.

“I’ll explain in a minute,” Bret forced out, still doing everything could to try to push his emotions down, to no avail.

“Shawn told me everything, Bret. He doesn’t care about the belt, he’s hurt because he wants the real deal with you and he thinks you don't,” Owen explained.

Why wouldn’t Shawn just tell him that himself? He stewed on it for a moment, but then remembered how good he was at expressing his feelings and knew he had no standing. Wouldn't Hunter have said something? But then again, maybe he was just trying to protect his friend.

“I’m sorry for everything,” Bret’s voice sounded weak and he hated it, but the thought of Shawn wanting nothing to do with him was so much worse.

Owen pulled him into a hug, “You don't have to be perfect to deserve love, Bret.”

Such a simple statement, but he didn't know if he could believe it.

[josecariohca]

excessive personal ranting below dont mind me

i genuinely from the bottom of my fucking heart hate my aunt. she is so fucking nasty for no reason and i have never done anything to her but she LOVES to complain about me for *checks notes* not spending time in the living room to listen to her endless whining. i spend all fucking day studying and researching and working my ass off doing the things my entire family has pushed me to do so that i can go to grad school, and then when i dont have the energy to sit out in the living room with my aunt listening to the news, she gets on the phone with my grandparents (whom im really close to) and makes fun of me calling me names and saying i never leave my room

like no fucking shit i never leave my room, bitch, why would i? you spent all day yesterday SCREAMING at your dog for whining and having anxiety (and gee i wonder why that is), you have gotten into verbal and physical arguments with my mother over fucking floor mats, you have a shit attitude, you make all of your bad days everyone else's problem, and you wonder why i dont leave my room when you come home???

she never asks me what i spend all day doing, she doesnt know what schools im considering, she undermined every relationship i have developed with the curators in my area bc they arent the fucking smithsonian, and then she turns around and belittles me for being exhausted and not throwing myself at her feet for scraps of her attention.

like no matter what i do i cant fucking win, so i may as well lose in my room where i dont have to sit next to her and literally feel her disdain. and like ive never fucking done anything to this woman???? she has beef with my mom and she takes it out on me but ive never fucking done anything to her.

idk. whatever. im just in a bad mood, i guess. ill probably delete this as some point but i just needed someplace to vent bc i just cant fucking stand her.

i just want to get out of here as soon as possible

[pics-and-fanfics]

Family Reunion (Part 2)

Pairing: Loki x F!Reader

Warnings: fluff, mild swears, teasing (nice and not nice), people being fucking rude, mild suicidal thoughts, trauma, toxic parent.

Summary: You finally take Loki to see your family several states away, and he learns why you only visit them once every 2 or 3 years. (Mom totally not based off mine, no way…)

Part of my 25 Days of Fluff! writing. Warning! This is very long, and might require more parts!

You go up to your Dad, hugging him for a brief second before letting go, then kiss his cheek. He smiles, patting your head absently before going back to the stove. “Dad, I’d like to introduce you to my boyfriend.” you say, and he turns around, narrowing his eyes at you. “Dad, this is Loki. We’ve been dating for a while, please don’t get mad.”

Loki heard the twinge of fear in your voice, and he leaned down, kissing the top of your head, making you smile a little. “Sir, it is a pleasure to meet you, Y/n is always talking about her parents.”

“They aren’t that bad.” Thor says, sitting next to you and Loki on the floor. “That’s because you don’t know them like I do. Mom’s an idiot, always doing stupid shit, and Dad always listened to her, never believing me. I was the one in the wrong, I was the one lying and causing problems, when in all actuality, it was my mom. She’s a pathological liar, and a narcissist. Just- Just take anything she says with a grain of salt.” you say, sitting in Loki’s lap.

“Besides, we- Oh hey booger butt.” you say, quickly changing the subject. Loki looks up from where he was braiding your hair to see you crawling out of his lap, towards another girl. “How’s my favorite butt-head?”

“Y/n! I’ve missed you so much, everybody around here is so boring, they don’t want to do anything fun! Come play with me, I’m so bored!” Loki hears you laugh, seeing you actually smile for the first time since you walked in the door. He watches as you dig your fingers gently into the girl’s ribs, making her giggle and dance away from you.

“Booger-brat, this is my boyfriend.” you say, trying to pull Loki up, but he smirks, going limp, pulling you down with him, making you laugh again. “Come- on- you stink head.” you growl, standing up and pulling his arm. “But the floor’s comfortable, Y/n. I don’t want to move!” he whines, and you roll your eyes, giving up.

“Well anyways, this annoying man is my boyfriend. Loki, this is Morgan, my niece. And Morgan, this is Thor, my co-worker. Thor, my niece.” you say, pointing at Thor.

You sit down on the couch, laying your head on Loki’s shoulder. You looked at the cards in your hand, smiling, as you laid down a +4, making Morgan groan as she picked up her cards.

The next day, you wake up from your sleep, Morgan jumping on your bed. “Let me sleep, dude. I had to drive for almost 2 days.” you say, pulling the covers up higher. “Nana says she wants you to get up or she’s going to come in here with a spray bottle.” Morgan says, pulling the covers back. “Oh, fun. Tell her I’ll take my chances for five more minutes of sleep.” You snuggle into Loki, making him hum.

Not even two minutes later, you get sprayed in the face with a spray bottle. “Get your lazy ass up, Y/n. We’ve been waiting on you for three hours.” You sit up, rubbing the water off your face. “Well then just open presents without me, Mother. I’ve been driving for nearly two days, I want to sleep.” More water, and you feel Loki sit up beside you. You glare at your Mom, who stalks out of the room.

“Fucking bitch, I hate her so much.” you mutter, crawling out of the twin bed. You pull on a pair of fuzzy socks from your suitcase. “What was that about?” Loki asks, and you hear the rage in his voice. “Oh, that was my loving mother’s way of waking me up. I told you she’s a bitch.” you say, pulling on clean clothes. “I’m starting to better understand why you hate her so much. At least you could leave.” Loki says, running his fingers through your hair.

“I’m sorry I’m complaining, it’s just- she made my life a living hell. You’ve seen how she treated me.” you say, remembering the nights Loki had soothed you from your nightmares, dulling the pain from the memories. “I’m just glad you’re not crying everynight, wishing for death.” Loki says, and you let a tear run down your face.

“I don’t know how I deserve you, Lokes.” you say, pulling your hair up into a pony tail. You hear pounding at your door, and you internally scream. “I’m coming, I’m coming! Jeez loise, give me a goddamn minute.” You pull your camera out of your suitcase, putting the batteries in and quickly going through the set up again.

Loki smiled, watching you laugh at your neice’s reactions to the presents you had gotten her. He watched as you snapped pictures of everything, including the ugly expressions on Patrica’s face when she opened the presents you had picked out for her. “Why would you get me something so ugly? You know what I wanted.” your mom says, and Loki bites his tongue when you pat his knee.

“That is very rude to say, Lady Patrica. At least your daughter got you something that made her think of you. You should be grateful that she is even here, taking time off of work to be here, and you are treating her like shit.” Thor says, and Loki looks at him, slightly shocked. Even you looked shocked, your camera slipping out of your hands. Loki closes your hands around it, and you grip both the camera and his hand tightly.

“Exscuse me? Who do you think you are, coming in my house and talking to me like that?” Patrica says, getting up from where she was sitting, putting the mug down. Then Loki saw what was on the cup.

“World’s worst Mother award goes to you!” Loki couldn’t help but snicker, making Patrica whip around her head to look at him. “Honestly, you call yourself her mother, yet you don’t act like one. She would have been better off staying in New York and opening presents with me and her boyfriend.” Thor says, standing up, showing the obviuos height difference.

“Tho- Thor, I think it’d be best for you to go outside. Mom, I’m so sorry, he has no filter on his words, he should not have said that, and he’ll leave right now if he knows what’s best.” You hissed the last part, and Loki could hear the way your voice wavered. Loki heard you take a deep breath as your mother turned to you, and he stood up, ready to defend you.

“You know what, actually, no. Because Thor’s right. You’ve treated me like shit all my life, and I’m not going to put up with it anymore.” you say, pushing all the presents from your mother away. “I’m done. I’m fed up, I’m pissed off, I’m beyond traumatized. You-” Loki turns to look at you, seeing you throwing the now opened present that had just been in your lap to the floor.

The contents were showing. A knife, and a note. “You are a disgusting human being. You don’t deserve happiness, you narcissistic bitch. It’s all ‘me me me!’ You never think about anyone else. You’ve nearly gotten me killed on multiple occasions! I’m DONE! I AM TAKING MY SHIT, AND LEAVING! SAYANARA, ADIOS, FUCK YOU!” Loki chased after you when you stormed off to the room you had slept in, grabbing your things.

Five minutes later, you were driving down the road, Thor and Loki silent, in awe of your outburst. You slowed down, pulling off the road into an empty lot. You stared out the window, tears running down your face.

‘I figured since all you talked about was wanting to die, I thought why not help you?’

“Darling?” Loki says, snapping you out of your daze. “What she did was wrong, and I’m very sorry. If you’d like, we don’t have to go back.” You feel Loki kiss your hand, and you sniff, leaning over after turning the car off. “Lady Y/n, I agree with my brother. What your mother did was evil, and I’m surprised that she raised an amazing woman, kind, caring, and so different from her.” Thor says from the backseat, and you smile.

“I’m just glad it’s over.” you say quietly, closing your eyes. “I’m very proud of you for standing up to her, Y/n.” You smile at Loki’s words, feeling a little better.

🎄

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this, as I wrote this instead of doing my project. I did finish it tho. Fingers crossed for a decent grade! 🤞 Let me know if you want to be tagged in any future posts, seeing as I'd rather type 50+ sentences for shitty fics instead of <4 per page for a test grade.

@vbecker10 @huntress-artemiss

[captivemuses]

Okay time to finally talk about my thoughts on the chapter and stuff and how I’m gonna be writing all my TR muses from here on out. All under the cut just for anyone who still wants or needs to avoid spoilers. 

Overall I’m not mad at the ending. From a reader standpoint the only thing I wasn’t particularly satisfied with was the ‘it’s a miracle’ explanation for how Takemichi and Mikey were both able to time leap at the same time and all that. Yes it’s a shonen and it’s some power of friendship blah blah blah, but idk it just felt like a smidge of a cop out answer instead of something a bit more in depth like it was the final passing along of the time leaping ability or whatever but I’m not about to lose sleep over that detail. I may come up with alternative headcanons for Mikey in the future if I think of something, but for now I don’t think it’s gonna come up much in my rp’s anyway.

Almost all of the character futures/career endgames I thought made a lot of sense but a couple of them like Hanma’s and Senju’s/Sanzu’s I thought was random as shit but only one of them really directly affects me and I’ll address that further down on the post.

That being said, Drakemma is endgame and I see zero reason to contend that and you will not catch me being sad about them getting married and becoming parents. Further thoughts on how that’ll pertain two my Draken and Mikey muses will be down further in the post.

Frankly I’m just happy to see that a majority of these kids get to grow up in a much better environment, mentally or otherwise. Sure there’s some unfortunate exceptions like Kazutora with his neglectful mom or Mitsuya having to raise his sisters while their mom works all the time and Draken still growing up in the brothel, but things like Kazutora never having to go to juvie, or Haru never getting scarred, Hakkai and Yuzuha going through the abuse from Taiju, or just all the unnecessary deaths that wasted perfectly good lives and traumatized kids that didn’t need to be traumatized, all didn’t happen and they all get to live their lives as they should be allowed to. And I’m sorry if that’s too ‘fruity’ or ‘Care Bear’ like for some people but the alternative being that everyone is either dead or Mikey ended up a giant martyr or something is not a better ending imo because someone still loses. Yes we had the trade off of some struggles that certain characters endured and learning lessons from but I don’t think kids having a shitload of trauma is entirely a better trade off because you can grow as a person without having to be abused or watch a friend die to do it.

And on a related note, I’m sorry but anyone who complains so much about the ending and says it’s too fluffy and it’s all garbage for a finale you need to sit down and calm down because it’s like I tell the three year olds I work with every day, stomping your feet and having a tantrum isn’t going to get you what you want. And if you’re going to complain that badly when we could’ve had no ending to the manga at all then just walk away from it and keep the complaints to yourself, sure you’re entitled to your opinion but that doesn’t mean other people asked for a shitload of negativity about it either. 

But okay moving on to thoughts pertaining to my five specific muses Baji, Draken, Hanma, Mikey, and Yuzuha. 

Baji: I love the fact that he’s trying to become a vet. He’s going to fucking struggle with all the schoolwork and the difficulty I know he’ll have with it but he’s got Chifuyu and Kazutora to help him and I fully plan on incorperating this into my portrayal. I will probably flip flop between my original Baji survives AU and the final timeline where he never died at all just depending on the specific thread or ask I’m currently answering. As much as I want to stay canon compliant as much as I can, I spent the last year of my life rp’ing AU’s where Baji survived and building them up with various friends and I don’t want to toss all that out if I don’t need to.

Draken: Listen I’ve been sad about that boys death since the 130′s for chapters, I’m just emotional over the fact that he got to survive and marry Emma like he wanted to. I will be keeping my various Doramai ships of course I have no intention of dropping those just because Drakemma was endgame for him and I will discuss things with my ship partners about how we want to move forward and if we want to make any changes to the current state of our ship. But overall for relevant anonymous asks and stuff I will be defaulting to his canon relationship with Emma.

Hanma: This is the one that’s the biggest question mark for me for exactly what I’m going to do. The only thing I’m sure of is Shane and I will 99% likely be continuing on with our Hankisa exactly as we have been the past four or five months with no changes, we may do canon compliant things but from what we discussed earlier there’s not going to be any changes to our verse and our ship. I do not plan on incorperating the canon career ending for Hanma into my blog canon, I’m sorry but photographer is just not something I would’ve ever chosen for him. I do not know exactly what career I’m going to choose for him as an alternative, that will just be something to discuss with the people I RP Hanma with and see what their portrayal plans are and I’ll make further announcements once I’ve gotten more permanent ideas.

Mikey: Considering a year ago I was fully convinced Mikey was going to be permanently dead by the end of the series I’m happy that that didn’t end up being the case. In terms of my Sanmai ship with Shane that’s primarily been Bonten verse, her and I have no current plans to change that ship either. It’s possible in the future we’ll do canon compliant stuff who knows, but the current state of our ship is what’s going to be our focal point and I don’t anticipate that changing. I will be canon compliant across the board with Mikey being a motorbike racer and Draken being his mechanic, I absolutely love that idea for him and I can’t wait to dive more into this for headcanons and whatnot in the future. Whether or not he’ll be in a Doramai verse or one where Draken is with Emma will entirely depend on who I’m doing a thread with, but anonymous asks will default to the canon finale where Draken ended up with Emma. 

Yuzuha: Her portrayal is the one that will see little to no changes in terms of how her future turned out, she will stay Hakkai’s modeling manager in every verse unless it is a specific AU verse with someone. I need to discuss with Olivia and Jyu how we want to proceed with Yuzuha Hakkai and Taiju, how canon compliant we want to be or if we want to stick with how we’ve been writing things post BD arc with the siblings the past few months. Same goes for talking with Ari if we want to make any changes to our Mitsuyuzu ship or keep things are they are. If there’s any drastic changes I’ll make an announcement when said decision is made, but as of right now there’s zero changes to how I write Yuzuha happening. 

I think that’s everything for now, prepare for me to not shut the fuck up in a month and a half when season 2 drops and I’ll be gushing about Yuzuha on the daily because the Black Dragons arc finally gets animated. Back to your regularly scheduled dashboard scrolling!

[webslingingslasher]

https://www.tumblr.com/webslingingslasher/748789798174621696/httpswwwtumblrcomwebslingingslasher748788553?source=share

Okay so I won't get into major detail because it didn't involve me much, more just indirectly, but it all basically started after I got done babysitting. I was talking to the mother, playing my role as the good little sister of her boyfriend, and this bright, GENIUS of a woman, truly, decided to bitch about him, my BROTHER, to me. Like wtf. Luckily for her I was wanting to go home and didn't want to cause issues as I'm babysitting again tomorrow, so I just kept quiet.

Until I got home.

I snitched. Because you bet your bottom dollar that if I don't get involved, I'm getting someone else on their ass.

Also apparently, not only did she complain to me, but she complained to my MOM too. Now normally, if we got a complaint about my brothers in their relationship, we'd take it pretty seriously, but we have been involved in this relationship since the beginning because the drama gets brought over here 24/7, there's not a thing we don't know. So we know, that everything she complains about, is just her playing victim and wants to bitch. We know the game by now.

So anyways, this is one half of the issue. This really just caused the blood to start to boil over here. (Especially, with my dad— genuinely the one person in this family you don't want to piss off)

The other half is that they just moved up here in March, so they're working things out but there's the money problem. Long story short on this, they're struggling a little and it's hit a major insecurity in my brother. To the point he's crying over the phone, so my sister drives my mom over there to help.

Now, this is where I get involved, just a tad, but once again— not majorly, just kind of a word of the mouth type deal.

A little bit after my mom and sister arrived at their house, I received a text from my sister about how the mother was blaming everything on my brother, every single fucking THING that is wrong in their life, she put on him. Kicking him while he's down, really. To the point about how he 'mistreats her' and etc. But, in these text messages I was informed how 'Shes talking crap and my brother is just sitting there upset'. Like, she was really just throwing it all at him, and I'll be honest... He does EVERYTHING for her. You name it, he does it.

Now, I'm not there, so there's not much I can do. Even if I was, my mom's there and I wouldn't be allowed to chew her out anyways. So, I did the next best thing, I got my dad involved. Because I wasn't about to let this woman do that shit, and she doesn't listen to my mom, no matter how scary she can be. So, I told my dad what was happening, he grabbed his hat and keys, and told me we were going.

Basically when we got there, my dad talked to my brother and then got on the mother, I don't really know what they talked about because my priorities were on the kids and making sure they were fine and taken care of, but omfg. I walk out of that house and she has the nerve to be pouty. I wanted to deck her. She got chewed out by my mom, and I don't even want to know what my dad said to her, but I could feel the anger rolling off him. She was so child-like at that moment that I had to walk away.

It was revealed to her that I snitched about her complaining, but it was also revealed she was talking trash about him to their neighbor, WHO WORKS FOR MY MOM, which she knows. Like I said, genius.

I'm not exaggerating when I say my brother does everything for her. He gives her his money, he takes care of the kids

(mind you,the two oldest aren't his. He could have been a piece of shit but he takes care of those two like they're his own. Unlike her, but that's a story for a different day)

he takes care of her, and the house even though she really does nothing and has him do it all when he gets home from working all day. All she does is complain about him, whining. Like the other day, he honestly just needed to get away so he took the van (after getting off work and mowing the lawn because she decided not to) and came over and she whined about him leaving her carless even though she had no plans to go anywhere.

Anyways, this kind of turned into a rant but basically, I got her in trouble with my dad, so tomorrow is gonna be a blast woops.

(honestly, typing it out makes it seem very low-key but it had me fuming bc who does that shit, and to sit there on the steps like a kid who got caught?? Ugh. My brother isn't perfect for sure, definitely not, but he didn't deserve that, especially since he was already kicking himself about the situation.)

im not religious but i am praying for your brother to get away from this wench

[blueempty]

Due to several sleeping errors, I forgor

My day was alright outside of my stomach waking me up after 3 hours of comfy sleep, and then me falling asleep for a little too long on the couch at work, which is why I don't think i'm gonna have a new kanji for today. I'll probably just practice some other vocabulary and keep hammering in the first half of my katakana

Like I'm always saying, I dont want to vent here but like, its part of my day ya know. And I'm not upset as I write this its just thoughts in my brain. Btw did you know that overexplaining yourself is an autistic trait? Anyway, I've been thinking about my brain and its problems because my partner has a new work friend who is also autistic, but her and I followed different paths. She seems to be on the Naruto Uzumaki grind of saying exactly what she means and is thinking at all times. The barrier between her and other people made her more forward and blunt, which is probably good. I however went the conflict avoidance route, where I got tired of trying to be understood so I've just spoken less and less over the years. I used to be very social but lately I'm going whole days saying almost nothing to anyone

Its largely because of the specific people I'm around every day, cuz my mom doesnt care about whatever the fuck I'm doing in Onimusha or Splatoon. I've learned what stuff people outside my fixations would be equipped to find interesting. My mom listens, but I dont want to waste her time or bug her while shes working with stuff that isn't relevant to her. And my brother is the most equipped to have conversations with but he's also on a different autism wavelength that seems to be becoming incompatible with mine. Like earlier today I said I was getting really tired of him and our friend being so fuckin negative about everything all the time and then like 2 minutes later he said I was a bitch for paying attention to what skills I have on in Monster Hunter. Something just ain't lining up in our conversations

BUT, thats all to say, my response to that comment wasnt to push the point further, instead I just stopped talking. Because I've learned that he in particular seems to have lost the ability to argue or discuss in good faith when it comes to specific topics. And because of that I sit there and filter everything I think about saying. I have a thought about something in the Splatoon DLC and before i say something I think "my brother doesnt like Splatoon anymore so at best he'll ignore me and at worst I'll get into an argument about whether or not skills are stupid"

So you the reader at this moment may be thinking "this sounds like a problem with you and the 3 people you talk to every day" and you'd be right. But this learned silence has got my ass unsure how to speak in general, so idk how to make new friends or how to interact with old ones. Its quite the pickle oh yes

Again this is literal hashtag thought posting, I'm not trying to complain but this is just stuff thats been on my mind since like January. And now this new friend that my partner has made me think damn I couldve just pivoted into an assertive style autist but I assumed a defensive posture. The human mind truly is fucked and full of terrors

But all that shit aside Dungeon Meshi is amazing, the whole crew is great. I am concerned that I'm getting incorrect localizations on their names cuz i'm reading it on manga dex. So I've just been calling the hobbit Chalk. I'm on chapter 15 now I think. Kensuke is my MVP right now I love that little guy

And finally the moment youve been waiting for yes its true I only have 4 weapons left to go in Side Order. I was spoiled on the name of Eights pallette weapon and it didnt tell me anything but it made me want to get it as soon as possible to see what the fuck it is

My partner also brought me a big sammich at work and it was good. I lob her

Peace and Long Life

[the-one-blog-to-rule-them-all]

i'm just sitting here thinking of all the travel shit i have planned for the year while listening to "old school eminem" on spotify. i gotta listen to more d12 honestly. I love planning stuff but I swear I'm getting a little tired of doing SO MUCH all the time. I say that but then when i go a few weeks without doing something kinda fun I get all miserable.

i want to try to get up to indiana early this year but i have so much other stuff i don't really want to spend money on a rental car for four days, but that's kinda silly because i just need to go see my dad (who, by the way, believes he's talking to an asian woman ((sorry, i don't know where from because I know no details)) who's going to come to america just for him. my feelings on this are so complicated because my relationship with him is so complicated. I'm sad that he's so lonely he's trying to talk to random women who might not be real online, i'm sad that his life ended three years ago when he crashed that motorcycle, but i'm angry that he fucking didn't do anything for himself once it happened. He literally just let himself rot on the couch snorting opiates instead of doing any physical therapy at all which would have helped him so immensely. maybe if he did that my sister wouldn't have to be his slave bitch every weekend, god forbid he would do anything to help anyone else if it takes a modicum of effort from him. But i love him and it hurts me that he's in so much emotional and physical pain) because I haven't seen him in so long and I only visit maybe once a year. And I can stay with my sister so my only expense is the plane ticket and the car, but I only fly southwest because I have flight anxiety (i'm working on it) and i can't bring myself to fly the "budget" airlines like spirit and frontier because i'm terrified of them being smaller and less maintained (literally not true, FAA rules and blablabla)

So maybe that for April? late march? i also don't want to go there when my fucking mother goes which she's really been trying to get me to go with her but i don't... like her. And when we spend too much time together we stop getting along. and she's being so annoying with wedding stuff for me. She's just excite which i'm okay with but she's being really fucking naggy about stuff and kinda bitchy about my ceremony timeline I have planned and stuff. Like I want to start the ceremony at 4:30 or 4:45 because the sun sets at like 5:30 on my wedding date. So if its a 10 minute ceremony then that gives us 45 minutes of light to take family photos. But she doesn't listen and she keeps fucking going on and on and on about how it's going to be daylight when the reception starts. Okay???? I truly don't give a fuck it's not that deep to me. I just want to have a nice fun wedding and get good photos. And also her ideas are so dated and ugly no offense to old ladies, she keeps coming up with decor ideas and i have to gently tell her "i don't love that" because talking with her is always like playing chess so I have to balance not hurting her feelings.

SO there's that.

Then July I have a wedding in Maryland where I'm a groomswoman so I have to buy a dress for it (no biggie, it's for my friend parny and I LOVE him I am soooo not complaining). Leifs brother and my SIL might be meeting us up there so we can all take a little getaway together so that kinda knocks out my "visit leifs brother and emily" obligation for the first half of the year even though i love visiting them and i miss them and their normalcy compared to the rest of leifs family. I'm soooooooo over his mom right now it's not even funny. She's literally my mom but full waif. She's the victim of her bad relationship with her son (leifs brother) because he just "takes everything the wrong way" like girl. If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your fucking shoe please. Anyways, July I have that.

I have to plan a bachelorette party (well, Julie does, but obviously I have a say in it) at some point, as well as do a sister trip. Another thing that I'm not complaining about. I love my sisters more than anything else in this world and I feel so fucking grateful that I've been able to spend so much time with them the last 5 years or so (but especially since the diagnoses almost two years ago, which jessica is still getting clean scans after her chemo!) So maybe I'll try to plan those two things together. Maybe we'll go to the ozarks or niagara falls. Or we'll go to nashville for that fucking green day concert because I'm so desperate to see them play the entirety of dookie and american idiot.

September we have another wedding in Rhode Island. We were originally gonna spend a full week up there looking around the area in case we want to move up to the North East but now we have a wedding to pay for ourselves so we're just gonna do a four day weekend. I'm pretty excited about that wedding too so not complaining, I'm just slightly sweaty bc my sister in law and brother in law keep talking about planning their wedding for this year in september or october and i need them to come up with a date so i know if it overlaps. ugh.

then november is our wedding!!!! yay!!!!! LEGALIZE!

that doesn't count the concert trips i want to take. I'll either drive up to atlanta to see green day or do nashville, and FOB is coming to orlando next month and i don't need to see them again but goddamnit i want to so I'm checking ticket prices every now and then

anyways I'm feeling a little stressed out. I feel like I've got so much going on but it's kinda how i thrive. so it's not a bad thing lol

also we're creeping closer to april which is when I'm supposed to get my yearly raise and I'm getting anxious as we approach it. I've done a great job in my position this year and produced a lot of good work, but I got a 7% cost of living raise in december and I'm worried they'll say that's my raise. Which isn't baaaaad but I was looking forward to getting a merit raise in april. also hoping we get a bonus again this year in april because we keep breaking records and my manager always tells us to give ourselves a big pat on the back and i'm like ayo, give me a check pls.

I feel very lucky that we're able to spend the amount of money we're spending on our wedding ON our wedding, since it's just one fucking day and it feels wasteful. Like we already own a house. It's okay. We have cars. We have no other thing we NEED to spend money or save money for right now but god damn it feels wasteful. I wish I could spend the money on this stuff and not feel guilty. And it helps that his parents and my dad are contributing and basically paying for the venue. but lawd. It's so wasteful.

[vvildflowerrr]

vent post ab chronic depression

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people don't talk about how hard it is to actually reach out to people.

like I get told all the time to just reach out to people, but I find it so difficult when I never know what's going on in my friends' lives and know many of them are going through their own shit anyway. how can I justify bringing up what I'm going through to them?

I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, it's hard to move day in and day out. I can't remember the last time I had a genuinely good day.

I remember all the reasons I got sober, but every time I end up sitting alone or even with other people just remembering what things used to be like and the people I love that I never get to see now and I just think relapsing would make things better, even if just temporarily. But I know it won't help.

I made chili today, in a slow cooker, and it's so good, I'm proud of that. But while I was waiting I sat in my room, which finally has furniture in it, and scrolled through every streaming service I pay for looking for something to make me laugh or feel better. But romcoms are sad to me, I can't laugh at regular comedies, nothing new interests me, but watching my comfort shows makes me feel sad too because it's the same stuff all over again.

I'm not even 25 yet, but I'm worried I don't have enough time in my life to do everything I want to do. The career I want feels unattainable, I'm still hung up on the same person I have been and don't have a clue where to start with dating or if that would even be a good idea for me, I don't have the experience to find a better paying job that doesn't kill my soul and even if I did, I lost my car awhile ago, so how would I get there?

Everything is expensive, I hate the way I'm functioning, I hate the way the world around me is functioning, and I don't think there's anything I can do to make it better.

I have friends but I miss my other friends. I hate that everyone is so busy that we've become so distant. The last time I hung out with someone it was me being depressed and stale, I felt terrible, like I harshed the vibes by just inviting them over to be around me.

I'm just complaining now. But genuinely, with all this, I genuinely can't say I know where to go from here. I mean, I can't even romanticize the past too much, I was miserable then too. I've almost always been miserable, and I'm so tired of it. I don't know if I'll ever be happy, I don't know if that's even a possibility for me.

My mom once told me she didn't think she was made to be happy and maybe I internalized that a bit too much, but I feel that way right now too.

I'm open to it changing, in fact, I want it to. But I'm exhausted, my brain feels like it's dying every day, I can't make anything click, I can't make art, I'm not even listening to music anymore, and when I do it's all just kind of there. The only reason I haven't kxlled myself is because I pay a portion of the rent and bills and it would be so hard on my roommates. And because I wouldn't be able to see my cats again, and I'm so close to that!! I've already made my peace with the fact that I'll be a passing memory to my loved ones, hell, I feel like one now anyway.

I don't want to perform like I'm fine but I also don't want to make anyone worry about me or change how they interact with me. And I know I have reasons but I don't feel like I should be this sad. Fuck, sometimes I'm not even sad, most days I'm just numb, and if I'm not numb I'm just weeping at the dumbest shit.

I don't know where to go from here, I just don't. I'm gonna fall back into my cycle after throwing this into the void. I may even delete it at some point (then again, probably not because I'll want to show it to my therapist and look back on it later, hopefully at a time when things are better rather than worse).

I just hope something turns around soon.

[unfashionablysensitive]

Middle-aged coward.

I used to create. I would write bad poetry. I tried to paint.  I was a decent photographer. I was the master of manipulating selfies before selfies were at thing. I wanted to care for anything and anyone. I had cats and lovers and bad relationships. I owned fear and hid behind mental illness. And, I always ended up on the couch, numbing myself with tears over TV shows and nostalgic movies. I danced and sang with my Ipod. I cooked and complained about my fat, eating with pleasure. When I travelled, I planned the trip around reviews of restaurants. It was the only time I wore make-up. I kissed a lot of people because I did not know how to connect on any other intimate level.

When did this all end? Did it end when I left Rocky Mount? I don’t remember creating anything, oth,er than a tiny apartment with two cats. My first real solo adventure. And even then, I tried to attach myself to more people. Still, no creation. I went to the therapy. I worked on myself. I thought I was healthy. I lost weight. I drove in Raleigh traffic. I did all the things I thought would make me whole and happy.

I am dead inside. And it’s a drying out of perimenopause that’s highlighted the grief of dying….my Mom, Tiffany, Fipi….me, I am dying. We are all dying as each day passes, bringing us closer to the end. There is a rage inside but instead of passionate fire, it’s a slow smoking whisper. There is no energy. I am too tired to yell and scream or feel anything other than apathy. I am watching the days pass with no semblance of joy.

Today marks one year since Mom died. I don’t think I have faced the grief. I focus on missing Fipi and then I hate myself for never saying I miss my Mom. When I feel pain, it’s empathy for my Dad.

I just want to take a nap. Instead when Jason woke me up, I lashed out at him for not meeting unspoken expectations. I felt hurt because he chose his need to get out of the house instead of sitting in another room while I numb myself elsewhere. I don’t lean on him. I isolate. And rationally I know he has every right to take care of his needs and get out of this tomb of a house. It’s probably projection. Or some sort of anxiety produced attachment process. I listen to myself say shit and while the words fall out, I am thinking how wrong and fucked up the reaction is…yet the words keep coming.

Still, no creation. Watercolors haven’t been used. Embroidery not finished.  Decoupage, not even started. The only hobby I have is depression. I’m fucking good at agoraphobia. I cry over animals and happy people. Seeing others’ misery or joy produced the same emotion. I am a shadow artist. And a coward.

I am the biggest of cowards. I am close to 50 and have never worked hard for anything. I sit in my misery at work and in my isolation, and wear it like a martyr badge. I hated that martyr bullshit passed down from female to female, in my family.  I didn’t escape. I turned into her. But not really because she had faith, love, community, family. I have nothing. My best friend, who was a cat, died. I haven’t felt pleasure from touch since he stopped laying on the couch with me.

I used to blame my sadness on being broken. I’m not broken, I am lazy. I think everything is supposed to be handed to me just for existing how I am. I am not hard to love but I sure as fuck have a hard time accepting it into my life. I reject it. I don’t fucking trust words, emotions, actions, sincerity. You are not sticking around, even if you’re standing in front of me. You’re not here. For me.