#every taylor swift song is about them idc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

duchezss · 5 months

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Lockwood & Co characters as Taylor Swift albums, an unnecessarily long post.

Foreword: Let me just preface by saying I have been working on this for a long time. I think it's super fun to personify characters as ts albums cause they're all so different. While I know basically all of her songs are love songs, I always find a way to make them platonic as well, just an fyi. The format I'm using is I have two songs that are "honorable mentions", which are songs that I think fit, but not enough to crack the top list, also they don't have any specific lyric on why I chose them. "Honorable honorable mention" is the song that was just outside of the top 5, and they include a short lyric on why I picked them. The top 5 are in reverse order of how important I think they are, and how much they represent their characters. They have a long lyric on why I chose them. Of course this is all opinion based so no one get mad in my notes cause idc. Lots of spoilers from the books duh, so without further ado let's get into it.

Lockwood: Lover

I actually first started ponder this topic when I saw on tiktok that everyone was saying Lockwood was Reputation, and I just really disagree. Frankly I think Lockwood would believe he's Reputation, but truthfully he's Lover.

Lover represents so many things that are him. He believes himself to be too jaded and cold, but on the inside he cares so much. He wants to learn to love again, but he's scared of hurting people he cares about and he's afraid of getting hurt himself.

Honorable mentions: Lover and Soon You'll Get Better.

Lover represents how Lockwood always wants to love Lucy and he always wants to be so close to the rest of the crew as well. Regardless of his emotions and how he pushes them away, he wants nothing more than to be with them the rest of his life. He wants some to be there at every event, glory is nothing if he doesn't get to share it. Soon You'll Get Better feels like Lockwood trying to cope with not only his parents death, but also Jessicas. Before the crew came along he was all alone, and even when they are there he still stays in his own bubble. He wants to go back to the normal he had with his family, but he needs to realize that his new family is right before him, he just has to let them in.

Honorable honorable mention: Death by a Thousand Cuts - "I ask the traffic lights if i'll be alright"

This entire song is so Lockwood coded. It feels like when Lucy left and he doesn't know what to do without her gone, and it also feels like he's getting flashbacks to losing Jessica. I chose this specific lyric because it's more subtle and matches his emotions more. The actual lyric is a reference to being down in life and just taking everything as a sign. This really represents to me the period between THB and TCS where he was being so reckless, because he thought all of it was a sign since everyone he really loved had left him. And if that wasn't bad enough he was pushing away the few people he still had. Most of Lockwoods inner emotions seem to only get worse the more he keeps them in, in that way I think his demons are like his cuts. They're slowly picking away at him, even though there are people in front of him that could help.

Number 5: Afterglow - "Tells me this love is worth the fight, I lived like an island, punished you with silence"

This song and this lyric feels like Lockwood's struggle to learn how to deal with himself and his habits. He knows he shouldn't push all of them away, and yet he closes himself off to protect himself. He wants to fight for it all though, and he knows that doing so is worth it. He wants to let them all in, especially Lucy, and he does so slowly and on his own terms. He wants them to be patient and wait for him, and they will, because of course they will. I also feel like this lyric highlights how bad at communicating his emotions he is, but that he's aware of it and doing his best to try harder. I also love the second lyric because that's what Lockwood does. Yes he's just being private but it's obvious his silence can hurt them, especially Lucy. But by the end it's clear he's trying to be more open, even if it's painful, because he doesn't want to push them away.

Number 4: Cornelia Street - "Hope I never lose you, hope it never ends. I'd never walk Cornelia street again"

For all of them I think there's one song that really represents how their emotions might feel in retrospect, and for Lockwood it's this song. Cornelia Street is his Portland Row. When he was younger his family all lived there, and it was home, but when everyone died it was nothing but a shell of a time long gone. Now it's his home because the people that live there and visit make it so. This song and this lyric feel as if it's Lockwood bargaining. Because although he knows there will come a day where they aren't all how they are now, he wants to remember Portland Row as it is now. And that when everyone eventually leaves for one reason or another, it will once again not be a home, and he can never return. Though I think all of this is just his inner thoughts, because frankly I don't think any of them are ever leaving permanently. Portland Row isn't just his home, it's all of theirs.

Number 3: Cruel Summer - "Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes, what doesn't kill me makes me want you more"

I think both parts of these lyrics fit Lockwood so well, just in very different ways. The first part feels like a test of authority and the figures the world wants them to believe. Lockwood doesn't trust the big agencies, and any plans they make feel corrupt and cooperate, which are ideals polar opposite of Lockwoods. It also feels like it embodies the idea that Lockwood also has, in that you can't rely on supposed higher beings, but only on yourself, your allies, and your actions. The second half just feels like Lockwoods desperate love of Lucy. During TCS he was throwing himself at everything, and he put himself through it all just cause he wanted Lucy back. I just think this lyric really conveys how much he needs and wants her, even though he pretends otherwise. Lockwood just loves her so much and I'm obsessed with that. He feels like he shouldn't though, he's afraid of hurting her and himself, which is why he constantly pushes her away and denies his feelings.

Number 2: Daylight - "I once believed love would be black and white, but it's golden"

Don't get me started on Lockwood and daylight. To me daylight represents Lockwood learning to let himself love again, and to feel anything again. When he was young of course he was surrounded by it, but after being alone for so long, it's clear he tried to push any ounce of feelings away. Then along comes his crew, and as much as he tries to maintain his cool demeanor, it's impossible to deny how much he cares and how much he feels for them. Of course a big part of that is acceptance, and I think this lyric so perfectly illustrates this revelation he has. Love isn't black and white and pain and grief, but it's golden and it's sunlight in a bottle and it's all these feelings he never thought he'd feel again. To me this song represents the lighter side of Lockwood we never really talk about, it's in how he shows his love for the others. He sees the world as nothing more than a battle to be won, but it's clear he tries to shield them all from it. Daylight is about him learning to accept the world as it is, but it's also about how l&co lights it up for him.

Number 1: The Archer - "They see right through me, can you see right through me?”

Everyone's number one song is meant to represent their most inner thoughts and fears, and Lockwood is one of the most the archer characters to ever the archer, like it actually makes me sick. Yes I had to choose a lyric, but honestly the entire bridge and song in general is so him. The archer is everything Lockwood is doomed to be. He feels like he will never be enough, that none of his actions mean anything, and that he will be fighting for the rest of his life. But through it all his biggest concern is that his carefully placed facade is all for nothing, and that everyone he loves can see right through him. That they can see his doubts, and his flaws, and that they won't love him when they find out. Worst of all he's afraid he's too broken to hold on. So he holds his chin up and keeps fighting because that's all he knows, but deep down he is nothing more than the target of the archer. Lockwoods heroes, his parents, his old teacher, his sister, they died all alone. It's a fate he all but accepts in TEG. His sees death and combat like an old friend instead of an enemy. What he doesn't realize till much later is that his friends love him for him, flaws and all, and that these expectations he set up for himself hurt him more than anyone else. They all see right through him, but that's not a bad thing, it's actually a good thing. It's a keyhole to his soul, and how much he really loves all of them. I also love the lyric "help me hold onto you" because I think it really highlights how even though Lockwood pushes them away so much, he wants them to hold him tight and not let go. He needs them as much as they need him.

George: Midnights

Lemme just say that every single album I picked for the crew is probably gonna be a hot take, but I have so many reasons for all of them so hear me out. I stand by the fact that George is midnights and here's why.

Of course all of them are up late all of the time, it's their job, but for George it's just a little different. Midnight isn't so much of an annoyance as it is an old friend. His research is always his passion, and I think Midnights really represents that. Life can be filled with regret and apathy, but it can also be joyful and unexpected. That's what Midnights is about, and I think at his core George is the same.

Honorable mentions: Hits Different and The Great War

Hits Different represents George's struggle with change. Change is something most people do struggle with, but for George it's a little different. He tries to overanalyze every move, and in doing so he almost makes himself sadder, and trying to rationalize it doesn't make it any easier. The Great War is obviously a symbol of the fight l&co has against Fittes, but for George it's a little more. He barely reaches for help from the crew, and this represents his hesitation to ask for help or to let people in. It also highlights how even though he's afraid of letting them in, he's almost more afraid of losing them.

Honorable honorable mention: Lavender Haze - "I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say"

This lyric highlights how George is constantly in his own world, and that it's almost better that way. He lets strangers' words slide off his shoulders, and if he actually started to care what people thought of him it would be very difficult. Of course the crew's words get to him, but that's a given. I think this is especially shown through how much he dives into his research, and how most find him a little odd. Despite his unorthodox methods he usually gets his information, and the people that really matter to him don't mind. George is so bright, and under all of his layers or protection he's quite outspoken. Him staying steadfast on his own path is a key part of his character, and l&co's unwavering support of him is what eggs him on.

Number 5: Would've, Could've, Should've - "Now that I'm grown I'm scared of ghosts, memories feel like weapons"

This is George's retrospective song. George's whole life is the problem, more so than everyone else. It's not just his job, but finding the history of the problem is one of his greatest passions. But there will come a day when his talents fade, and even if his passion stays it will eventually become more fearful than exhilarating. Sometimes it can be harder to know what you're missing out on than never having it at all. In this way his memories and a time long past could haunt him, because as much as he tries he can never go back. It's also interesting because at the end of TEG the problem could be over, but no one really knows. He might spend his whole adulthood afraid of something no longer there. His memories contain all the fun times he had with l&co, but it could also serve a reminder of everything he's lost.

Number 4: Anti-Hero - "I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser, midnights become my afternoons”

I think this entire song fits George so well, because it really pulls focus on how George believes he isn't a hero like the rest of the group. He keeps making the same mistakes and instead of being wise beyond his years like how Lockwood is per say, he's just normal. His brains are his strong suit, but I think he underestimates all of his other abilities because he believes himself to be incapable. As I said before all of them work at night, but the implication that midnights are his afternoons really works for George. I think it also does a good job of showcasing how locked in his work he can get, time always seems to pass him by. I also think the entire song really highlights how much like an outsider he feels sometimes, even within the group. He's afraid of how he acts when he's alone for too long, and I think this was really showcased in TCS when he was so inwardly angry about Lucy leaving. He sees himself as an Anti-Hero that is destined to be alone, even if that's the opposite of the truth.

Number 3: You're On Your Own Kid - "So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it”

While all of them have a retrospective song, I also feel like I gave all of them a more hopeful song. For Lockwood it was Daylight, and for George it's this. While YOYOK isn't a hopeful song, it's actually quite the opposite, I really wanted to focus on this specific lyric. I love this for George because to me it represents his growth in letting himself be emotional. He's so used to being an outsider and an oddball in any group he's in, and so naturally he's very closed off, and he doesn't want to let anyone in. He was very close with Lucy in THB, but then she left and he closed back off, but by the end of the series it's easy to see how he has changed. This lyric represents his ability to finally let himself live in the moment, to love without fear of losing, to enjoy the little things, and to be his authentic self. Maybe he's on his own, and all of this happiness is just temporary. Or maybe this group is his family for life, and all he has to do is lean on their shoulders. I think this song highlights how he is only as alone as he makes himself, because with l&co he'll never truly be alone.

Number 2: Dear Reader - "Where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care”

Dear Reader embodies George's doubt within l&co. I think it really manifests how his own doubts can really get to his head, and this is especially highlighted in the whispering skull (more so the show but I loved that arc they gave him). To him it can feel like he's an outsider in his own home, in his family, with his friends. When Lockwood and Lucy really get comfy in their feelings, it ends up with him pushed to the side. This entire song is so him, he's trying so hard to keep it together, to not make the wrong decisions, but he's human so of course he messes up. In a way it also feels like he's telling himself not to do certain things just because he's afraid of how that could hurt him. In his mind he's nothing more than the brains, and at times he believes himself to be expendable. He had Lockwood when he had no one, but now Lockwood has Lucy, so where does that leave him? But the truth is there's enough room for all of them. His friends might've found friends who care, but that doesn't mean they don't still care about him. He's so afraid of losing so he locks himself in, he never even plays the game, but as said in the last song he does learn to let himself be vulnerable. It's just a matter of getting over that hurdle himself.

Number 1: Mastermind - "No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since”

This song as a whole might not really represent George, because him meeting the crew was nothing but luck, but the bridge. Oh my god that sells it all. Not to mention the title, it's so him. He is the mastermind of the group, Lockwood might be the glue that holds them all together, but George is the building blocks that let them get so far. In the books George isn't given most of a backstory, but the show fills that in. He didn't fit in with his family, and it's clear he's had a hard time with friendships. I think he uses his smarts as a shield, as a plan even. No one wanted to be friends with him when he was younger, but that didn't bother him. His ambitions were far greater, he wanted it all. Also this goes back to the thought that I think George sees himself as an anti-hero. His scheming, his plans, they are all just him, but not something malicious. Yet as he grew up he realized he did want people around, and not just anyone, but l&co. I also love the lyric "I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian cause I care", like that's SO George. He realized he does care, even if it's in own unique way, and thus maybe he'd even allow himself to let his guard down. He wants them to love him and for it to be without struggle, but struggle is only normal. And they do love him, flaws and all, so perhaps the real way he's a mastermind is finally realizing that everything he needs is right in front of him.

Lucy: Speak Now

Yes yes another hot take I know. I also know this might be my oddest choice, but let me cook. Speak now is a lot more upbeat then one might expect for Lucy, but being upbeat doesn't mean always happy. While this album might not be what you expect on the surface, it really represents Lucy deep down.

Speak Now is TS's first album to depart from her more optimistic tone, and that seriousness masked as being normal is so Lucy. Lucy always pretends like everything is fine, like every little thing doesn't get to her, but it does. This entire album has such a melancholy tone, it deals so much with regret and longing. All very Lucy things, so let's get into it.

Honorable mentions: Superman and Never Grow Up

Superman embodies Lucy's fears with her friends always being in danger, particularly Lockwood. She's terrified of something happening to them, and she doesn't want to lose them like she lost Nori. Of course she wants them to go out and save the world, but it's scary not having control of their fates. This is really highlighted in THB because she leaves over worry of Lockwood and his recklessness. Never Grow Up fits Lucy in a bit a different way. Rather than the song focusing on her childhood, I really think this is how she feels with l&co. This is a melancholy song for her, because obviously l&co won't stay together forever, and it's scary knowing their time is on a timer. She's afraid of growing up and getting older because her identity is tied to her talents and to her friends.

Honorable honorable mention: Ours - "People throw rocks at things that shine"

I think this lyric really fits the situations l&co constantly find themselves in. They're dangerous and most of the time they're in places they shouldn't be, and yet they all still come out victorious. Not to mention Lucy's talents being as exceptional as they are, it's only normal that others will try to tear them down. The reason this is interesting is cause they're not even at the top, every victory is a battle, and sometimes being the underdog means you shine even brighter. Kipps' crew in the beginning, and then Fittes and Marissa as a whole are constantly trying to make sure they stay in their place. They throw their rocks at them but l&co, particularly Lockwood, never really listens, and because of all of their defiance they get results others couldn't even imagine. I would say this is Lucy's hopeful song, even if it's more like perseverance.

Number 5: Back to December - "I go back to December all the time, it turns out freedom aint nothing but missin you”

This entire song is Lucy during the period between THB and TCS, her freelance era if you will. She's alone and she's lonely and she constantly reminisces on her time with l&co. She misses them so much, but she stays away because she thinks she's protecting Lockwood. Her supposed freedom really just has a cloud over it though, she longs for what she left but she's convinced herself that she can't go back. I love the way this song talks about the distance between the two of them, and how it acknowledges that Lucy knows she's in the wrong, but that she acted the way she did because she thought it was for the best. I also think this song really represents the "what ifs". Like perhaps in a world where Lucy never went back to l&co. All of them would be worse for wear, because they need each other, especially Lockwood. I just think it acknowledges everyone's hesitation towards each other in the beginning of TCS.

Number 4: Electric Touch - "Got a history of stories ending sadly, still hoping the fire won’t burn me”

Lucy is forever plagued by how her employment with Jacob's, especially in the show when it was clear she was close with the other trainees. So when she comes to l&co she obviously wants things to be different. But George is distant and Lockwood is reckless and it terrifies her. She thinks her story can only end in tragedy, and that maybe this bad luck follows her. It's part of the reason she leaves in THB, so doesn't want that same fate to fall upon them. I know the fire in this song has a different context, but to me I think it represents her hope. She doesn't want the hope she has to hurt her in the end, she wants to stay positive, but she's conflicted on if she's asking for too much. She loves all of them so deeply, and she wants nothing more than for them to be ok, even if that means she's not a part of the story anymore. Though her plans of leaving to protect Lockwood kinda have the opposite effect, and that drives her up the wall.

Number 3: Enchanted - "This is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the storyline ends”

Enchanted is soooo how Lucy feels about Lockwood, but I also think it represents way more than that. It represents Lucy's doubts about not just Lockwood, but about the whole crew, and even herself. It's about how Lucy has always felt like she had to put up a front with others, and then suddenly she met Lockwood. But it wasn't just him, eventually George and her opened up to each other. Then she puts her hatred aside for Holly, and she even gets close to Kipps. The entire crew became her family, and she realized she could actually be herself around them, no front. She doesn't want their time together to be on a timer, she doesn't want the story to end anytime soon, because it's so clear they all mean the world to her. Also I think this song does a good job of telling how captivated Lucy was with Lockwood when they first met. She was enchanted to meet up, and her pounder if he loves her like she loves him is a sub plot of quite literally the entire series. I also think this song can represent how she thought getting along with the crew would be smooth sailing at first, when in actuality it was very bumpy. But that's ok.

Number 2: Long Live - "For a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world”

This song really represents the crew as a whole, but I think it more specifically describes Lucy's viewpoint of it all. Lucy wants to remember these moments, the good and the bad, because for once they win. Another lyric that fits is "the end of decade, but the start of an age". They ended a massive piece of history, but likely started a new era from the small glimpses of the future we got in TEG. Lucy wants to remember when they broke all the rules and fought for what was right. In that sense I think this is her retrospective song, because yes it represents how she feels now, but I think it better represents how she might feel years from now. I chose this specific lyric because this is soooo the crew. They're a band of sometimes thieves and nobodys who ruled the world if only for a moment. I also love the ripped up jeans line cause I think it really represents how scuffed they kinda are. They're just kids, they're amateurs in the eyes of adults, yet they're the ones who actually did something. I also love the lyric "I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you". I think this embodies that even though they were fighting against ghosts every day, they had the time of their lives cause they had each other. So in that way it's also her hopeful song.

Number 1: Castles Crumbling - "Here I sit alone behind walls of regret, falling down like promises that I never kept”

Castles Crumbling is so Lucy it kinda hurts. I think it really represents her dreams as well as her doubts. She wants l&co to be an "empire", but again not because of the glory, but because she wants to succeed with them side by side. This song really embodies how she thinks she is holding them back, and not just that, she thinks she's putting them all at more risk because of her talents. She's scared of being the problem and letting them down, and more so of ruining everything they've been working so hard to achieve. The particular lyric I chose represents her fears of never following through. She was supposed to come to London with Norrie and work at a big agency, but she let Norrie down in her eyes. She fears she is doing the same to l&co. So she puts herself behind a wall, afraid of hurting those she cares about. Her regrets haunt her every day, even if she wants to move past them and learn to forgive herself. She thinks she can't keep her promises, and because of that her entire world feels like it's crumbling. She doesn't want to ruin everyone else's world as well. I think this song particularly matches THB. Lucy has a perfectly crafted well and area she keeps to herself, but when Lockwood gets too close she gets scared. She's afraid of his reckless nature, and even more afraid of what he would do for her. Lucy can't have another person die for her, and she will destroy the castles herself if she has too.

Holly: Red

Originally I had Holly as 1989, and it wasn't till I had fully planned this and was writing everything out that I changed my mind. The songs I picked weren't fitting how I wanted them too, and when I was going through Red I realized how much more this matched her. Also I find this a little funny since the color I picked for her is also red.

Red is more of a departure from country compared to TS's first three albums. It has a more mature and reflective tone overall, and it really embodies Holly's contemplation. I even think it represents her constant confusion in the state of the world, and even her relationships with l&co at times. Red is her questions materialized.

Honorable mentions: Everything Has Changed and Stay Stay Stay

Everything Has Changed feels like when Holly finally gets to know the crew a little better. I doubt it was as instantaneous as the song implies, but it's the idea that Holly wakes up one day and decides that she wants to be more than coworkers with them. She wants to get to know them better, and she wants to be less closed off as well. I think it's when Holly learns to find another home in not just Portland Row, but the people in it. Stay Stay Stay has a similar vibe, but it's more like the crew's response. It's the revelation that they care as much as she does because they have taken the time to get to know her. I think it's also her realizing that no one else has loved her like this before, and it's hard for her to process. I think this is particularly relevant in TEG since by then they're all close, and her and Lucy are finally on good terms.

Honorable honorable mention: Holy Ground - "For the first time, I had something to lose”

I know this lyric says for the first time, but in Holly's lense it's more like the re-realization that she has something to lose. Some people don't like that Holly's back story is so similar to Lucy's but I love it cause it's such an interesting character study. Anyways, Holly lost her whole team to a ghost when she was Rotwell and I think it's pretty clear that she has been running from that her whole life, as it's evident she keeps l&co at a polite distance in the beginning. Likely to protect herself from getting hurt again through attachment. I love this lyric cause it's kinda her lightbulb moment, which personally I think likely happened towards the end of TCS. She saw that she actually has something to lose again, and that thought is terrifying. Yet it's not like she runs away from it, she actually leans into it. It's clear she won't let her fear of loss stop her from loving so freely again.

Number 5: The Very First Night - "Back then we didn’t know we were built to fall apart, we broke the status quo”

So much of this song feels like it's how Holly would feel years down the line. I think it's her retrospective song, but it's a little less depressing. Almost like all of their pains and fights were just part of growing up. They were built to fall apart but they were also made to come back to each other. They're all such a vital piece of the puzzle, and yes they can sometimes drive each other crazy, but it's so clear how much they love each other. I also love the second part of the lyric, because l&co broke like every status quo they could. They were a small independent agency with no supervisors and they were always in places they shouldn't be. They were constantly getting into trouble, but then again that's why they got results. I also just like how it feels like Holly coming to accept their odd style of doing everything, like yes they're a mess but man they're her mess and she loves them anyways.

Number 4: Come Back...Be Here - "The feeling you can know so much without knowing anything at all”

My god this specific lyric is so Holly. I think it so perfectly represents her fear as well as the crews fear about the problem. They know so much about it, yet nothing at all, and after Marissa reveals herself they realize they know even less than they thought. They have all spent their entire lives fighting ghosts and while they might've forged bravely through the dark, they had only scratched the surface of the entire conspiracy. It's a daunting reality, to realize you have been fighting your whole life for nothing. To realize you've lost so many people just because of the selfish ambitions of others. I also think this could just apply to her life outside the problem. She's one of the older ones of the group, but it's easy to see how she hides her insecurities behind a smile. It must be hard seeing everyone else so sure of themselves and their mission, and yet feeling like you don't fit in anywhere. It's easy to feel for her, especially when Lucy is so mean to her in the beginning. She's just trying to find her place too.

Number 3: Treacherous - "This path is reckless, this slope is treacherous, and I like it”

Treacherous feels like it captures Holly's somewhat rare but still reoccurring passionate and spontaneous side. I feel like this song embodies Holly learning to go with the flow with l&co. When she first joined she was uptight and hesitant no doubt, which is understandable considering she came from a fancy agency like Rotwell. She questions a lot of their methods and their cases, and just everything really. She was hesitant to rush in and to trust, which is again understandable. Yet over the course of the books she slowly learns to embrace all of these things. She learns to trust Lockwood like the rest of them, she learns to be more open hearted even if it might bring pain. She learns to love again at her own pace and in her own way, because subtly is everything in these books. She never has some dramatic moment, but it's the small ones that really show how much she has changed. She doesn't hesitate to do things for the rest of them when they're in trouble, she learns not to think twice about leaping when it matters. Because even if she falls, she knows they'll hold her hand and help her up.

Number 2: Begin Again - "Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end, but in a cafe I watched it begin again”

This whole concept is Holly embodied, it kinda makes my heart hurt. This is like the second part of Holy Ground in her story, because it's her learning to embrace that she has something to lose. Instead of that being a bad thing, it becomes a good thing, because she realizes that she can begin again, and that her life wasn't over when her team at Rotwell died. Also I just love the cafe line because all I think about is how they all went to a cafe at the end of TEG and they were laughing and having a great time together because they won, I think that moment truthfully solidified her feelings. Because she had opened her heart and let people in, she found out that love can begin again, just like she once had too. I also just love the idea of her accepting that everything happens for a reason. Of course that's not saying she wanted what happened, but it's more so her learning to roll with the punches, and embrace whatever life gives her. It also just feels so gentle and careful, and I'm not saying Holly is always like that, cause boy that girl can be a spitfire, but her experiences feel so different from the crew. She doesn't know if love is golden or carefree or anything, but I think she's starting to understand what it means for her.

Number 1: Nothing New - "They shoot you down and then they sigh and say, “she looks like she’s been through it”

I think this song represents the life she has lived so well. The agency, and the problem, and all of her losses were shots. She was down and yet the world wondered how she could be so caught up. I think it really highlighted a problem represented within all the agencies. They see their agents like machines instead of people, which is why l&co was so night and day for her. But even being with them didn't erase all of her doubts. She felt like she knew everything when she was at Rotwell and yet at l&co it's like she knows nothing. Not literally of course, but of how the world works and about how she feels and deals with all of it. She's afraid of time passing her by, because frankly she's still trying to figure out who she is without the problem, which is a hard task for all of them. She wonders how long it'll be till she's replaced with the next best person, because even if that's not how l&co works, that's certainly how the other agencies work. I think that's why she likes to do her own stuff, she wants to be a secretary, not a soldier for a cause she doesn't understand. She wonders if her novelty will wear off, and if she'll still be valuable if she's not new. What she doesn't fully understand till later is that l&co doesn't value her for that, but for her as a person and for the skills she brings to the table.

Kipps: Folklore

Kipps was hard to pinpoint for me at first. I had bounced around a lot of ideas, but it was only after finishing the books and listening to Folklore that it all pieced together. Folklore is really sad, probably TS's saddest and my god if that isn't Kipps.

Folklore is based on characters and fiction rather than real life like TS previous albums, but it still has hard hitting themes. It explores escapism, nostalgia, and just a lot of emotions. All of the things Kipps pretends not to acknowledge, even if they plague his life on the daily. This album is just so him, and honestly it was hard to narrow down the song list, because he fit so many of them.

Honorable mentions: August and Exile

August in its totality doesn't really fit Kipps, but the bridge, ah it always comes down to the bridge. It's like Kipps reminiscing about the time in his life when he was so sure of himself. Everything around him was enough, because he was so confident in tomorrow. But then the future became nothing more than something to dread. Exile is Kipps' understanding of the cycle that he is a part of. I think this revelation really occurs in book three when Ned dies. Kipps realizes that he's just a cog in the machine, and that his death would be as insignificant as Ned's. Because the only people that remember Ned are his friends and family, sacrifice has become a normality instead of a tragedy. Kipps realizes the normal ending agents get will never change unless he does something about it.

Honorable honorable mention: My Tears Ricochet - "I can go anywhere I want, just not home”

This lyric is straight to the point and to the heart. We never really learn any of Kipp's backstory, we only know about his life within his talents and Fittes. Which in this case really fits. These lyrics scream book four Kipps, but honestly it also represents him as a whole. After he finally leaves Fittes it's like he has no home anymore, but what really made him feel at home was his talents, and those are long gone. He can't go home cause his talents are faded, he can't go home because he finally sees Fittes for what it is, and he can't go home to Portland Row because he's afraid to feel that way. We don't know about his childhood, but since he's "grown" he can't go home there either. In a way he's stuck in limbo, trying to find the best way out but trusting none of the options. It's a perfect tragedy that would end if he stopped thinking about it so much.

Number 5: Mirrorball - "I’m still a believer and I don’t know why, I’ve never been a natural all I do is try try try”

Kipps has every reason to believe in Fittes. He was a child prodigy, a top advisor, the picture of natural success there. Yet of course the more he learns, the more he starts to question his beliefs. Through it all though it's clear he wants to believe Fittes and agencies aren't all that bad, he wants for his doubts to be soothed. Eventually though it's evident that almost everything he ever knew was a lie. This revelation starts in book three, but it goes all the way to the end really. Though book four does hone in on this a lot because we see Kipps try to grapple with the institution he once worshiped, and it's here we see him question why he ever believed in them. The second line of the lyrics feels like Kipps' life outside of the problem. Within it he's a natural, he was the best of the best, but it's kinda clear that everywhere else he's strugglingly. Socially he's not that great, and it becomes abundantly apparent to him that there's no point in trying so hard if all he'll ever do is fail.

Number 4: Epiphany - "Just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you’ve seen”

This song feels like Kipps's attempt at bargaining with the problem, specifically it's inception. This whole song fits so well because it describes the world around like a war, and what are agents if not soldiers. He wants all the horrors and tragedies he's witnessed to have a logical explanation, he wants it all to make sense, for it to not be as bad as sounds, but it's worse. Marissa and Tom's greed led to the deaths of millions of people and thousands of agents. This song also represents Kipps fatigue in always having to fight. We think he's just a coward and a cynic, mainly in the first two books, but it becomes clear later on that he only acts like that because inside he's so tired and conflicted. He's tired of fighting a never ending war, he's tired of getting new teammates because they keep dying, he's tired of always dealing with loss, of never being able to get away from it. Truthfully there's no explanation that could make it ok. Frankly Kipps doesn't really have a true retrospective song, because all of his are kinda already that way. This is the closest one to narrowing it down.

Number 3: Cardigan - "Cause I knew everything when I was young, I knew I’d curse you for the longest time”

So many little lyrics in the song fit Kipps so well. I love the juxtaposition of the lyrics. About society saying you know nothing when you're young, versus feeling like that's the only time you did know something. That's exactly how Kipps feels. Everything now is so uncertain, but back then? He ruled the world. Yet even though children are the key to fighting the problem, they are constantly discredited by adults. Adults who only want to stay in power, and who don't really care who fights ghosts, only that they fall into line. The second part of the lyric fits in a different way. It feels like Kipps finally acknowledging why he hated l&co so much. He hated them so much because they were everything he longed to be. They were successful, in the peak of their talent, and most of all they had their whole lives ahead of them. He was on the decline, and they all had each other, while he felt utterly alone. How could he not hate them? It was so clear they were going to change the world while he got left behind, but luckily for everyone he had a different fate in store.

Number 2: Invisible String - "Isn’t it just so pretty to think, all along there was some invisible string, tying you to me”

As always I have a passion for making romantic songs platonic and this is a prime example. This song represents Kipps coming to terms with the fact that he ended up exactly where he needed to be. This is his hopeful song, and it also feels like him coming to realization that it all worked out. First off let me just say I love how this song uses colors to describe things, because that's exactly what the show did with the trio and their costumes. In a way it feels like Kipps trying to deny that he was meant to be with them, but all along their paths kept crossing, almost like he was destined to end up with them. His invisible string wasn't tied to a specific person, but the group as a whole. I love how the second chorus talks about time in a love/hate kinda way. Kipps is grateful for time because he has learned so much about himself and the world, and yet he hates it because it never stops, no matter how much he despises or cherishes a moment. I also love how the bridge describes past mistakes like barbed wire, threatening to hold him back, but that this invisible string is a spot of gold lighting his way. Kipps had every chance to regress but chose not to with the love and support from the crew, they made him see how everything he needed was right in front of him.

Number 1: This Is Me Trying - "I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”

My god this entire song is so Kipps I might be sick. This whole song represents Kipps coming to terms with not only his talents fading, but how that has affected his relationships and the way he acts. The first verse talks about having a hard time adjusting, of acknowledging change, fears and regrets. It represents Kipps coming to terms with falling off, but it's more so his regret of letting fear take over his life. He eventually fights that, and even if he never knows how to make the first step, he eventually finds his way back to the people he loves. Verse two is just a mess because god it's so him. He feels like he wasted his potential, and that because he rose so high, he had the furthest to fall. It's also like him acknowledging how vindictive and mean he can be, and it also represents his fear to really open up to anyone. Which makes sense considering how much he pushed aside l&co in the beginning, he was trying to pretend like he didn't need them when that's the opposite of the truth. The ending is Kipps' confession that living and moving on can be so difficult. How is he supposed to get over the only thing he was ever good at? So he tries and tries to be better, even if he feels like it's all in vain. The reality is that his efforts were enough, because even when he was completely useless to the crew they loved him anyway.

Final thoughts:

Honestly never in a million years did I think I would write so much lmao, I didn't realize I had that much to say. Well thank you if you've read this far, makes me feel not so alone in my unhealthy obsession over these characters. I love them so much, and having a way to express that always feel nice.

I also never expected that I would write the most about Lucy, like yes she's the main character but still. The real shocker though was how much I wrote about Holly, sure it's only third longest now, but I had to shorten it like crazy y'all don't even know. Anyways, can't wait for the next inevitable l&co essay lmao.

#lockwood and co #l&co #lockwood netflix #lockwood & co #anthony lockwood #lucy carlyle #george karim #holly munro #quill kipps #taylor swift #3 weeks of writing later #and over 8k words later #I'm insane...but I'm free #they are my pookies forever and always

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youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms · 1 year

Text

Don't Let Me Go

Words: 10,245

Warnings: language, talk of alcohol/alcohol consumption, regret, Leon being a dick but for a kinda good reason, people may be mad at reader cause of what she does but whatever idc this is my fucking story, maybe ooc characters and probably bad writing

Resident Evil Masterlist Main Masterlist Join My Taglist

This also was originally written for my OC Tiffany (Whose info on her/original story will eventually be available on this account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters )

Leon and Hunnigan are PROBABLY OOC (as I suck at not being able to keep them from being OOC)

Actually find it fucking insane how long this thing is all together

This is it in multi-part form: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Reader and Leon are partners with their job (have been since 2004/2005) and is insinuated to be around the same height as Leon

Y/N/N/N means the nickname of your nickname (or just another nickname)

Not Proof-read and I think it can be seen every once and a while (I know you can see where my brain couldn't function how to write the scene so I just guessed and hoped for the best)

Can be read as its own story or as a sequel to You’re About To Lose The Best Damn Thing You’ve Ever Had

Losely has themes from the songs Never Say Never by The Fray, No Surprises by Radiohead, Afterglow by Taylor Swift, and Look After You by The Fray

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

January 21st of 2009

Y/N sat in front of the computer with Hunnigan as they went over the assignment before she was supposed to leave in 2 hours. Usually, she would be sitting with Leon on Hunnigan’s other side, but this wasn’t a usual case. They were working with a mix of BSAA Agents and STRATCOM agents. 3 of each, minus Y/N who was the leader of it. So in all, it was a team of 7. Overkill in her eyes. But that wasn’t her job. Her job was to get the assignment done and come back alive.

The only reason the two organizations were forced to work together was because they both had interest in this case and decided that they needed to use both intels for it to work. Over in the Rockies in Northern Canada, parts where there were little inhabitants, people had gone missing before showing up with remnants of a strand of the T-Virus in them. BSAA had found the base back 2 weeks ago while STRATCOM had been keeping a close eye on Dr. Taylor Lewis. Someone who used to have ties with Umbrella in their Europe branch.

So when it was proposed that the two organizations team up, everyone was skeptical. Truly, the only people in the BSAA that got along with them at STRATCOM was Chris. Of course, she was sure that Jill did, but she died back 2 and a halfish years ago. But eventually they all agreed and started working on the team. 3 of the BSAA best people (minus Chris because he was already on an assignment) and 3 of STRATCOMs best (minus Leon because...well she didn’t know why he wasn’t), plus Y/N as the leader. BSAA wasn’t happy that they weren’t leading it and she knew they only tolerated it since it was the President's order for her to be the lead. She wasn’t sure how to feel about the new guy. He wasn’t Graham, the one she had grown accustomed to the past 4ish years. Hell, she never could remember his name, she just knew that Benford was the Vice and he was one of Leon’s friends.

Leon.

She hadn’t seen him much since the start of the year. Since the...break up. And she hadn’t even been avoiding him this time. It just was as if he was never in the office the past 20 days. Not that she had been keeping count! Because she definitely hadn’t been! She just did the math in her head at the moment.

“So, we have some time to spare, want to tell me why Leon sent in a new partner request? You finally ran him away?”

Y/N sighed and flicked a random small balled up piece of paper off the desk. “I don’t even know what happened. Everything was good one second then the next it just...” She trailed off, unsure as to what to say.

“Wasn’t?”

She nodded at Hunnigan’s word. “Yeah. I don’t know what happened.”

“Did someone find out?”

“Find what out?” She looked at the FOS Agent, who gave her a ‘don’t-lie-to-me’ look and Y/N sighed again. “I genuinely don’t know. We were training one day, and I had knocked him down, so he had pulled me with him, which led to us making out. But we were the only ones in the training room and even if someone did walk in, we were hidden by some equipment. The only thing that would have been heard would be our kissing. But that could be any two agents! So I don’t know why it would have knocked him so out of sorts!”

“Cameras?”

“That one corner that isn’t covered by them is where we were. We always trained in the corner.”

“That could be it then. Someone put two and two together and threatened to expose it.”

The slightly younger girl groaned and laid her head on the desk in front of her. “Why couldn’t he have told me? It’s not like I would have freaked! Him doing what he did caused more damage anyways.” She sat back up and ran a hand through her hair, “Where the hell has he been anyways? Haven't seen him since he broke it off and requested a new partner.”

“His own mission. One that I actually can’t tell you about, unfortunately since it’s a gray area on you two being partners.”

“Is he at least okay? Concerning that he’s been gone so long.”

“He called me yesterday saying everything was fine, but he still wasn’t sure when he would return. But it could be a concern as he mentioned he wasn’t sure when he’d be able to call again. He’d try to ping a location, but if we get nothing, wait a week before extraction.”

“Back to the partner comment you made, I just don’t get why he broke up with me and requested a new partner. All he had to do was one and I would have been just fine.” Y/N laid her head in her hand, “I honestly just wish there was a way that we could’ve stayed together and be partners. That would be my ideal situation.”

“Hm, I think, the keyword really is think, there might be a loophole.”

Y/N perked up at that, “Whaddya mean?”

“I think there’s some rule that says you can if you meet certain requirements. I can always look for you, it’ll give me something else to do than make sure my two favorite humans don’t die on different missions.”

Y/N smiled, “If you wanna, I’m fine either way. Leon will do what Leon wants to do and I won’t stop him.”

“Whatever you say.” Hunnigan glanced at the clock on her computer before continuing, “Better let you get ready. Don’t want to keep the BSAA guys waiting.”

Y/N laughed as she stood, “What can they do? Mission won’t start without me there.”

Hunnigan gave her a smile, “I’ll look that up for you and update you on what I find. Don’t die before I get you an answer.”

Y/N smiled, “No promises darling.”

--------

February 18th of 2009

Y/N wrapped the jacket closer around her and made sure the mask was tucked in so she wouldn’t freeze her face. Her shotgun was drawn as she looked out the scope, still no heat signatures could be found. They had been there for 4 weeks now and still nothing.

But, what had happened in those four weeks since the mission had started, 3 of the men had died. One of her own and two from BSAA. She felt bad about the last BSAA kid because even though he was one of the best they had available, he was a rookie. She believed he had only been there for a year, a year and a half tops. So he was the only one out there for the BSAA and had little experience. He was just an excellent fucking shot and took directions well (literally what his file said). And she had found it to be true. Even in the snow, he could find the target and shoot them down.

He was the only reason they hadn’t all died that night.

Since they had gotten there, more and more sunlight was available, but it still didn’t last half a day. And while temperatures were warming up, they still were freezing their asses off. Plus, it didn’t help that Hunnigan had just warned them a snow storm was possibly on its way in.

2 weeks in, she was happy that they were almost done with their trek through the mountain. She was really starting to hate those snow-mobiles. And then around 3 days later, when they came into contact with their agent that had been giving the intel, the remaining 5 members of the team began the stake out to find where the Doctor was and how the people were being infected. But now here they were, around 10 days later and still nothing. No sight of Lewis or of any habitants of the small village that if she was to be honest, she had no clue existed before this.

That was, until she moved her scope to face more towards the West. She adjusted the sight and zoomed in where she thought that she saw movement. And when she was able to focus her sight, she saw that there was a group of bodies standing in one of the buildings. She switched over to night vision and saw that they were just barely too far off for her to make out who it was. She carefully snuck closer, jumping to the top of the abandoned building by her.

She looked again and was able to see that it was Lewis with 2 other people. She didn’t recognize either of them, but one of them looked eerily familiar. But she was sure whoever the two were, they had been gathering the people to be injected with the virus.

She grabbed her walkie from her side pocket and pressed the button to call for her team. “Dream Team, come in this is Condor 2. Over.” Dream Team was something that one of the BSAA Agents had suggested for them to call themselves rather than the boring Snow Squad that they had originally been assigned. And while she was technically Flake 1, she was used to always being referred to as Condor 2, so she asked for when it was just to them or to Hunnigan, say Condor 2. Otherwise she was sure that she and Hunnigan would get thrown off.

“This is Flake 2. I have the rest of the team with me. What do you need? Over.”

“Lewis and two men are in a building three down from my location. A house down from the original spot. I see them talking, but no one else is there. Over.”

“What do you want us to do? Over.”

“Start the plan into motion. I’ll follow and see where Lewis and her men head. Do nothing until I say so, unless you get under attack. Understand? Over.”

“Is that a direct order, Flake 1? Over.”

She sighed, Stacey hated this. She knew he did. Hated that someone who had been there for less time than him was the leader. He was the only one who refused to call her Condor 2 and kept Flake 1 and made sure everyone went by their actual callsign and not the one that they wanted. “Yes, Flake 2. It is. Now do you all understand? Over.” She heard a range of everyone, including Stacey, say they understood. “Good. I’m contacting HQ. This is Condor 2 over and out.”

She reclipped the talkie and grabbed the other one that was specific for Hunnigan. She looked back in the scope and saw that Lewis and the 2 men were exiting the building. She quickly pulled the gun away to follow behind them. When Hunnigan answered, she heard the lady’s voice in her ear piece.

“This is Hunnigan, Condor 1 is here with me.”

Y/N internally groaned. Why was Leon there? Was he even allowed to be? So many questions ran through her head, but she didn’t ask them. She just nodded and ran towards the direction she saw them heading. “Fine. Lewis has been found. I’m following behind on foot. The rest of what remains of the team are getting ready for my word to follow. And--fuck.”

She ended the call before Hunnigan could say anything and made sure Hunnigan couldn’t immediately call back after she had turned a corner to see a fairly large group of military looking people. She turned back and jumped into the house that had an opened window. She snuck over to another before she looked out the window to try and count how many were there. But she was stopped before she finished when someone looked in. She quickly slipped down, trying desperately not to be seen.

And she was sure she got away with it. That was, until her walkie went off and the BSAA kid could be heard practically yelling through it. And when she heard the words he was saying, the blood that was barely not cold already, went frozen in her body.

The kid was freaking and she could hear the guns in the background. Apparently Lewis and the men knew they were there. They knew she was watching. It had been a trap to get her away. She wondered how it was possible, until it registered to her that it was the electronics. And then she realized who the other guy was. She had dealt with him a few months ago with Leon. The two had been separated and had to pray that they would make it back to the other without any guidance from anyone as to where to go because the man could track any electronic waves.

But unfortunately for her, the man outside the window heard it too and had slammed it in. She gave them no chance and immediately grabbed her gun and shot them. Thankfully she was able to get a headshot, even with him moving and her shaking, gloved hand. But it only gave her enough time to disconnect her electronics and toss everything but the small remote that gave her the ability to ping a quick location. She ran up the stairs, trying to find an alternate way out, but realized she was blocked in. her chest tightened as she realized how badly this could end for her.

She grabbed her submachine gun and aimed it at the stairs, getting ready for anyone who was going to come up. She let out a shaky breath as she heard the door being broken down and the sound of someone running up the stairs. She never had been so thankful that she never fucking used these fuckers so she was loaded on bullets for it as it felt for each guy she killed, double the amount came back.

And unfortunately, she was so focused on the stairs, she hadn’t noticed the sound of someone taking apart the roof and jumping down. Her mind had barely registered the sharp pain in her neck before she was surprised when they grabbed her from the back and her mind just blanked. Forgot how to fight back, forgetting almost every piece of training she had. She didn’t know what to do and wasn’t used to this. Whenever her fight or fright kicked in, it was always fight. She never got scared. But for some reason, she did this time.

As they pulled her to the ground, her body felt incapable of fighting back. As if someone had left her out in the freezing cold with not enough clothes. She wasn’t able to move or even scream when she felt the knife stab into the top of her sternum and start to drag down. The man on top of her only stopped when the sound of a whistle was heard through the air. It was as if the second that went off, every man and woman there were called to go somewhere else. The knife was pulled from her as she walked away and she slowly regained the feeling in her body.

But as she regained that feeling, she felt how deep the knife had gone. She felt the blood falling. She slowly moved to grab the bandages from her side pocket. They weren’t much but she knew it was all that she had. She grabbed it and tried to remove her clothing, not caring that her entire body was freezing from the temperature outside. She didn’t care that her bandaging was horribly done and that it wouldn’t do much.

All that she did was grab her clothes and quickly layer them back on. All she did was wobbly get up and leave the scene. Trying to get further and find out where all those people had gone. And she prayed that it wasn’t fucking bingo.

----

Leon’s POV

Leon, who had only been there because he was going over a report with Hunnigan, head snapped over towards Hunnigan the moment that Y/N ended the call. Worry spread through his body as they were unable to contact her back. He felt his knee unconsciously bouncing up and down as the computer kept beeping. He knew that he technically had no reason to be worried. Now, thanks to his own doing, all she was to him was another Agent. Not his partner. Not his girlfriend. Not even his friend. (Of course he didn’t know that the last part was all on his own)

“Why is it doing that? Why can’t you get back to her?”

“She blocked me from calling. Which means one of two things; she needed no distractions or she had to go semi-dark. I’m trying the other 4 members of her team and if they don’t respond, it means that they had to go dark too.”

Leon bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that the team originally consisted of 7 plus Y/N/N. The original 3 BSAA and 3 STRATCOM had been reduced to 1 BSAA and 2 of their own.

If he was going to be honest, Leon didn’t care about the team, he just cared about Y/N and if she was okay. He hadn’t meant to do what he did then just disappear. He meant to break up and let her be for a few days, a week tops, then talk to her. But then he got called in and had to leave immediately. He knew from Claire and Hunnigan both that she didn’t understand why it happened or what caused it. Which he knew was his own doing. He should have told her. He shouldn’t have just said that they weren’t gonna work out. Especially since on their previous mission together they had a run in with Ada.

But that wasn’t why he did it. No. It was because Stacey had been that person who they thought walked in. And as they had exited the training room, had messaged Leon to remind him that fraternizing with your partner was against the rules. He knew he should have just told Y/N why he was doing it, why he pulled away and why he treated her like shit for so long. But he couldn’t. He was scared that if he had, she would have argued with him and said it was fine. That they would figure it out together. It’s how she was and he knew it was.

Of course, he still felt horrible for what happened on New Years, he shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up just to crush them the following days. He shouldn’t have treated her the way that Ada would treat him. Shouldn’t have done something that would make her feel like he was using her in the moment because he needed something just to hurt her later.

----

December 31st of 2008/January 1st of 2009

Leon had gotten to her apartment earlier that day to help Y/N put up the decorations. But the entire time all that he had said to her was when he asked her to hand him something or made a comment about getting a drink or going to the bathroom. And then once Chris had arrived, surprisingly being the first, he had gone to talk to him. He had seen her leave from the corner of his eye, knowing she was changing out of the pajamas she had been in all day.

He had no idea what she was going to come out in, but as she came back from her bedroom, a glass of champagne having already been downed, he knew it would be hard to keep himself under control. He noticed that she was wearing that top she had not-so-secretly bought a few weeks ago. Or at least he assumed it was. He had never seen the one she was wearing and he knew she hadn’t worn that one top yet. It was paired with her stupid jeans that fit her perfectly and those stupid heels that he loved on her because for some reason it always turned him on when she was practically a head taller than him. He saw her necklace was the one he bought her for their first anniversary in 2007. The rings were the ones she always wore and he noted that she wore the bracelet that she had owned since highschool on her right wrist, opposite of the watch he got her back in 2006 after her previous one got destroyed on a mission. Thankfully it was her birthday too so he didn’t have to deal with her arguing too much so he could argue that it was a gift for her birthday and she couldn’t turn it away.

He remembered how she kept saying he didn’t have to and that it must’ve cost a fortune. He had just shrugged it off and said he knew she needed one and he thought she liked that one. And even now, over 2 years later, he still hasn't disclosed the price of it. Something he’d never do because he knew she’d give it back and feel horrible about it. Knowing the only reason she had accepted the necklace was because it was their anniversary and she had gotten him something he knew was expensive as hell.

But even then, he didn’t talk to her. He didn’t go near her. Even as the rest of the group got there. He occupied himself with drinking and talking with people. Even as he saw the look of desperation on her face as she talked to Jess and Claire. Even as he watched her walk back to her room with a face full of complete defeat written all over her face.

No. he stayed talking with Chris and her brother Joe while he knew she was likely standing in the bathroom that connected to her bedroom. While he knew that she was probably doing anything to distract herself from how he had been ignoring her. He knew she could hear him talking and laughing with them. He knew that it seemed like he was happier with everyone except for her. But he wasn’t. He hated this. Hated this hell he had created by not doing it already. This hell he had created for both of them where he knew she was feeling like a deflated balloon that he didn’t want anymore. When that was the complete opposite of what was true. God did he want her. God did he not want to have to hurt her this way. All he wanted to do was hold her and tell her it would be okay.

Let her convince him that Stacey wouldn’t out their relationship and they would figure it out.

He got pulled out from the conversation when he heard a faint sound of something crashing in the back. He wasn’t sure if others had heard and chose to ignore it, or if it was just him who did since he was the closest to the hall. He stood and excused himself saying that he was gonna go check on her since they hadn’t seen her in a bit.

When he got to the back of the apartment, he looked in and saw that it had just been the cup that held their toothbrushes and pastes. He watched as she leaned down and grabbed the fallen contents. He realized that she didn’t even notice him there until she jumped as he laid a soft knock on the door.

He laughed softly, like he always did when she did this. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare ya.” As she placed the cup back where it went, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. The jolt from her didn’t go unnoticed and his face went from one of playfulness to concern. “Hey, you okay?”

She nodded silently, and he saw that she was trying to keep her breathing steady. “Yeah. Sorry. I think I’m just getting tired. My body isn’t used to not having to be on edge 24/7.”

He knew she was lying. He could tell it in her voice. But he still cracked a small smile in an attempt to calm her down. “Can’t disagree with you there. But you seem genuinely freaked, like after a mission.” The smile switched to one of concern, “Are you sure that you’re okay?”

She nodded and turned to him, giving him a smile of her own. “Yeah. I am Lee. Promise.” Lee, the nickname she gave him after their first mission together when she got a concussion. He remembered that his name kept blanking on her (as did most people) so she just referred to him as Lee as it was all she could remember and it had stuck. He noticed as she looked down at her watch before looking back at him, “Hey, it’s 11:59, we should get back in there.”

He was about to go to move some hair from her face, but stopped before he even reached his hand. He knew it would leave her even more confused when he broke it off. He knew it would make it harder for him if he continued to act like a boyfriend. So he kept on telling himself that he was being a friend. Friends treat friends this way. He could still be this way with her even when he calls quits to save her reputation. “Are you sure? It seemed like you had left for a reason.”

He knew from the look on her face that he was the reason and it hurt. At first it was because he hated that he was treating her like this, leading her on. But then it was because he couldn’t feel that way. He had to pull away from her so it would hurt less when he broke it. But he felt his resolve falling and knew it was close to breaking.

“Yeah. I’m perfectly fine. I just needed to get away for a moment. You know how I am.”

He knew it was a lie. He knew she lied about something he wouldn’t call her out about. He studied her face and saw that she was doing everything to show she wasn’t lying. He knew she knew he was doing this. But he said nothing. He didn’t put her on the spot. Call her out. He just let her do it. Especially as everyone in her living room began to count down.

However, neither of them moved as their friends began down from 10. This was the closest he had been to her since Christmas. It was taking everything in him not to kiss her. Everything in him to not grab her face and pull it to his. But that entire work he was putting in was thrown out of the window the moment she brought her hand up and brushed some hair out of his face. And as she leaned in to him when their friends reached one, his thoughts to push her away were thrown out the window. As she placed a kiss on his lips. He heard nothing as he felt her softer lips on his own chapped ones.

As she pulled her lips away from his, any control that had been left there disappeared as his hands on her cheeks and he slammed his back onto hers. The moment she let out a tiny gasp, he slipped his tongue into her mouth. He felt her arms wrap around his neck as he began moving them to the sink. Only stopping when the back of her legs met her sink.

He pulled away for a moment, just to bring his lips down to her neck. And between kisses he asked a question that plagued him since he saw her come out in it. “Is this...a new...top?” He heard her humming in response, eliciting a small chuckle from him. “Is that a yes baby?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was soft and breathy, just above a whisper and he held back a groan when she did.

“I like it. You should wear it more.” He carefully moved her arms up so he could pull it off. His lips lingered on her collarbone, close to the center by her sternum, as he breathed in her perfume. It was a warmer one, a mix of vanilla and spice. He recognized it as the one he bought her back when she dragged him into Victoria Secrets when they were having a sale. He remembered her arguing with her that she wanted to buy it so they agreed that he’d buy her that and she could buy him whatever cologne he wanted. Which just happened to be the one he was wearing tonight.

His lips continued down her body as he got other noises from her. He only stopped when he heard a gasp, immediately pulling his lips away from her. His eyes looked over to see Y/N's sister-in-law standing there with a hand over her mouth.

“Shit, I’m so fucking sorry. I should’ve known what you two were doing when you didn’t respond. Fuck, I’m sorry. Um, Joe and I are heading out. I don’t wanna overwork my sister too much by watching the kids after she had a long week. But we had fun. I’ll see you later.”

He stood as he watched Jessica leave the room and felt Y/N/N's head fall on his shoulder. He listened as she ranted about how embarrassed she was by what just happened. How she had been hidden for nearly 30 minutes and then someone came to find her, just to see her making out with her boyfriend. So fucking embarrassing.

He laughed lightly and joked, “At least we were just making out and not actually having sex.”

She groaned and buried her head in his chest, “I did not just say that out loud, did I?”

He missed the top of her head, “It’s okay.” He pulled away before leaning down to grab her shirt from where he had thrown it on the floor and handed it to her. After she slipped it on, he kissed her lips again. “You know I love you, right?”

She smiled and looked into his blue eyes, “Yeah, ‘course I do.”

“Good.”

This was going to hurt when he finally did it.

Leon knew that she wasn’t asleep as she laid by him. But he stayed quiet. He knew tonight would haunt him. He was supposed to be pushing her away. Not drawing her back in and making her feel better while he was just going to hurt her in the end.

----

January 3rd of 2009

He knew she was hurt. He knew she was trying not to cry. Leon knew how mad and confused she was. He knew. He knew her too well. He knew that she understood none of it. Even after he explained. He knew that she saw him as the one for her because he knew she was the one for him. But he could stop. He had to end them so neither...no so she didn’t get her reputation ruined. He refused to let anyone think that the only reason she gets chosen for assignments is because they’re together. He refused to let anyone think of her as anything but the fucking amazing and talented agent she was.

He had promised her back years ago that he would never hurt her. That he would never be the one to break her heart. That he would be there by her side no matter what. But then here he was, breaking her heart and about to leave her.

In the end, all that he could say was, “I’m sorry.” And “You don’t deserve this.” He reached to grab her hand in an attempt to comfort her, but she jerked it away. Which he understood. He deserved it. She didn’t deserve this. She deserved better than him. “You deserve better than this. Than me. Than our fucked up situation.”

“But Leon, I like it. I love you. I don’t care about the secrets and the lies. I just want you. Leon, please.”

“I can’t.” He stressed, he still hadn’t said what Hunnigan had told him when he asked what would happen. That was why he was doing this. He had to protect her.

“Can’t what?” Her voice was stretched, he knew she was trying not to cry.

For a brief second, he thought that he shouldn’t do it, but as he saw her face, saw as she was breaking, he decided to do it. “Can’t ask you to possibly give up your job because someone found out! Watch as you have to get reassigned because Hunnigan already confirmed that it would be you. Watch as your life completely changes just so you can be with me!” He ran a hand through his hair, “That’s why we’re done, Y/N/N. Why we have to be. Both in this relationship and in our partnership for work. I already sent in the request for a new partner.” He hadn’t said that last part to her yet. But it was true. He did it yesterday. After she had left the office for the day.

“Leon.”

He ignored her as he walked to her door, he was planning on just leaving, saying nothing else. But as his hand reached for the knob, he stopped, “I’m really sorry Y/N/N. Truly, deeply, sorry.”

He walked out after that. But he didn’t go far. He stayed there in the long hall. He brought a hand up to his mouth to stiffen the sobs that were threatening to fall. He felt his chest tighten as he heard her scream and a crash. He knew she was angry and upset. He knew she was blaming herself. And it took everything in him to not open the door and agree with her that they’d figure this out. That they’d find a loophole. That they’d be alright.

----

February 18th of 2009

He shook his head, trying to forget that last time he saw her. Instead, he became hyper focused on Hunnigan trying to contact anyone on her team. The difference between her and them was with them, it called, but no one answered. He felt himself picking at the calluses on his hands, a bad habit that she always noticed. A habit that whenever she saw, she would take his hands into hers and hold them. He ran a hand through his hair as the nerves built up again when it went off that she disconnected herself from being able to be contacted.

He hadn’t even noticed Hunnigan talking to someone through her mic set until she said: “Do you want me to assume her and her team are dead, sir?” He snapped his head to her. What did she mean by that? Why would they assume that Y/N was dead? She just went dark. Since when has it been the procedure to assume death when gone dark. “Of course sir, I’ll keep watch and will let Agent Kennedy know.” Leon narrowed his eyes at Hunnigan as she turned to him. “They want me to keep an eye out for if she pings a location in the next 48 hours. If not, then you’re being deployed to finish the mission and if you come in contact with her, call for an evac for her. But shoot to kill if she’s been bitten.”

Leon looked away from Hunnigan. He wasn’t sure if he could do that. Shoot to kill Y/N. Personal feelings aside, they had been partners since she joined back in 2004. Since right after he got back from Spain. Hell, she would’ve been with him if she hadn't had to get her appendix taken out and miss training causing her start date to be pushed back to where it was around 48 hours before he got back from Spain with Ashley. He had known her for 4, going on 5 years now. How could he shoot her, even if it was for the greater good? He felt his chest tighten and--

“Leon? Do you understand?”

He looked back at Hunnigan and nodded silently before getting up to leave the room. He couldn’t be there anymore. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He practically ran through the halls, not caring who looked at him. Only able to catch his breath when the cold February air hit his skin. He heaved, his hands on his knees and he leaned forward. He couldn’t do it. He knew he wouldn't be able to do it. He knew that he would get in trouble. But he would rather get in trouble for not doing his job than have to shoot her.

He just prayed that she pinged to prove she was alive. And that if he ever got sent in, he would find her. Alive or dead but not bitten. Not turned. He’d rather find her already dead than have to do it himself. He would never be able to live if he broke her heart and then killed her.

Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he would be able to live with himself if he broke her heart and then found her dead.

--------

February 28th of 2009

36 hours after she went dark they received the first ping. 11 days had passed since and they had gotten 8 more pings. Leon was at his desk, waiting for Hunnigan to tell him they got the next ping. But as the sun went further and further down, they still had got nothing. He kept telling himself that she was okay. That maybe she just forgot or wasn’t somewhere where she could.

He kept telling himself that it was okay and she was alive. That he had no reason to worry. That she would make it back to them alive.

--------

March 2nd of 2009

Leon looked out the window of the helicopter he was on. 4 days had passed since her last ping. Since they last heard of her being alive. They had sent him in the early hours of the morning to go finish the job and find her. They told him to not have hope she’d be found alive. The cold was horrid and she was supposed to be back by now. It was doubtful she’d have enough heat stored to survive.

But he ignored them. He ignored their warnings and pushed them away as he climbed down and off the heli and walked the remaining mile to the village her team were meant to be staying at.

It took him almost no time to find the abandoned snow-mobiles they had ridden to get there. Took him almost no time to walk into the small place they were staying to find the rest of her team all dead. But still, there was no sign of her. No sign that she had even been there recently. He told Hunnigan and she responded that she’d send someone once they found Y/N. As he exited the house, he grabbed the keys to be able to use one of the vehicles.

He drove through the town until he reached the point where she had gone dark at. It was by a larger building that stood out compared to the rest. But that wasn’t where she had left at. She had left off in a small home by it. He walked in and looked around, finding her tracker and communication devices in a box that had been covered in snow. A few of the windows had been shot through, he assumed it was from her. He walked up the stairs and saw that there was no way out from there. If she had been in there, she had left the same way she went in.

He walked out of the house and was about to get back on the snowmobile, to head to her last pinged location, but he realized that it was inside the large building and he would have to walk it. The sun was going down as the time passed 6 PM as he jumped the fence and ran around trying to find her, shooting those infected that got in his way. Which he was surprised wasn’t that many. He had expected more to be there, but it was like someone had already gone through and killed most of them.

He ignored the fatigue that grew as he ran closer and the sky got darker. Or at least he assumed it did, there were practically no windows in this place so all he had was his watch to tell the time. He ignored the gnawing feeling he had that he was going to find her dead. That he came all the way to bring her home alive that he’d have to do it dead. That he kept telling himself that she’d be alright and he could apologize. He could tell her what Hunnigan told him when he got back. So he could apologize and let her scream and yell and choose what to do.

So he could know if there ever would be a possibility that they could have made it. That they could have done more if he hadn’t let the possibility of what could've happened take control of his life.

As he grew closer and closer to where she had last pinged, he felt his heart drop further and further into his stomach as he saw more and more blood covering the floor. He kept telling himself that it wasn’t hers. It was someone else's. And he wasn’t entirely wrong as he grew closer. A body laid on the ground, he could tell the blood wasn’t even an entire week old so it had to be from around her last ping. He placed his boot at the dead and grimaced as he recognized him as the guy from last summer.

That told him why she went dark.

He kneeled by the body, looking for what caused the bleeding, finding a few bullet holes. They weren’t accurate and he could tell that whoever shot them had a shaky hand. Making him doubt it was Y/N. One thing he knew he could always count on was her steady aim. Rarely would she hit a target in the wrong spot on accident. It was always on purpose. But, he knew the bullet holes. It was with a Lightning Hawk. It was like how he always had his Matilda, she always had a Lightning Hawk on her.

He stood up and continued on, looking down at the small device to see how much further and realized that it was to his left. He turned and saw a door drawn shut. He put the device away and grabbed his gun out from its holster and carefully opened the door. He swiftly turned to walk further in, something that at first seemed futile as he didn’t see her. But as he walked further in and looked around, he saw remnants of her having previously been there.

He kneeled by her clicker that had been pinging her location when she told it to was on the floor with some of the layers she had been wearing when the mission started. But what scared him was that there was a bandage covered in blood that looked like it had been sitting there for a few days. If it was her blood like he thought, that would explain why it looked like someone had shot the guy shakily and unsure. And so that nausea grew as the gnawing feeling that she was dead came back to him.

He shook his head of those thoughts and got up, looking around the room more. As his eyes scanned, he saw that there was a trail of blood that led to one of the walls. When he got closer, he saw the faint marks of what he assumed had been someone moving the cement. He put the flashlight between his teeth and holstered his gun as he began to touch around, trying to find a weak point in the wall. When he did, he pushed in until it started moving. Once it was opened enough for him to slip through, he grabbed the flashlight from his mouth and upholstered the gun.

He pointed the gun forward and slipped through the crack, he walked with cautious footing. He still found it rather suspicious that he hadn’t had to deal with much since he had gotten there. His senses were on high alert, feeling like there was a possibility of him getting attacked at any point. He walked down the dimly lit room, turning the flash on and off so for the case of someone watching him, there was a possibility of him throwing them off.

But any want to not get caught and have the element of surprise immediately left his body when he heard gunshots down the end of the hall. He ran as fast as he could and slammed the door open, gun ready to shoot. But when he got there, he saw that Dr. Lewis was already bleeding out on the floor, but still reaching for her own gun. As he approached the woman, he looked around and saw Y/N laying on her stomach, gun on her non-dominant side, in a corner. And as much as he wanted to check on her first, he ran over to the doctor and kicked her gun as far away from her as possible.

He kept his gun up and stood over Lewis, the barrel of the gun pointed at her head, daring her to do something. But all she did was laugh before coughing up blood. “You...you really think this...this will be...be the e-end? You...you killing me? Think it...it will bring that little b-bitch ba-ack.”

He knew he was supposed to bring her in alive. So they could question her. But Leon just couldn’t. He knew she had been experimenting on children more than she ever had with adults. The information Y/N had found and sent in before she went dark proved it. And something, some part of him, felt like no one who did that to kids could live. Maybe it was his belief that he still was doing this for Sherry. He knew she was an adult now and that she doesn’t need his protection anymore, but it didn’t stop him from making it his main reason.

With his gun still smoking, and Lewis’s eyes going blank with death, he pulled it down. “Still stops you.” He looked up when he heard the sound of an alarm going off and his vision was encased in red. He should have known that killing the head would do this, but he didn’t give a shit. All he cared about was saving her. He ignored the blaring alarm and robotic voice saying that the building will self-destruct in 10 minutes.

He turned to run back to where Y/N was lying. As he got closer to her, he could see she was slipping in and out of consciousness. When he reached her, he placed a gentle finger where her pulse would be, he knew he should have kept his eyes trained on Lewis, in case she turned herself into something, but he didn’t. His eyes were trained on Y/N. She was covered in sweat and blood, hair clinging onto her. Her breathing was labored and she barely was able to keep her eyes open. He turned her to her back and immediately saw what the reason for the bleeding was.

A large gash that went down her sternum. There was dried blood all around it and he saw that shittily done bandage that had moved. It was surely infected and was probably the reason for her sweat. He grabbed his device to call Hunnigan and requested a medical evac. He found Y/N and she was alive. They were in the building, but he was going to try and get her outside. Hunnigan informed him that she already sent one the moment he said the rest of the team was dead and they were 5 minutes out.

The moment the call ended, he gently moved one of Y/N 's arms around his neck before putting his arms under her body. Placing one securely under her knees and the other behind her back and under her other arm. He heard her groan in pain as he started to carry her out. Trying to figure out how to get to the roof.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Y/N/N.”

“Leon?” Her voice was hoarse, barely there.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me. I got you. Medic is 5 minutes out, okay? I’m gonna get you out. You’re gonna be okay.”

“Leon, please, just let me go.”

He shook his head, “No. I’m not doing that. I’m not letting you go. Not anytime soon.”

“But it hurts.”

He looked down at her and saw her eyes were closing again, “I know. I know it does. But I need you to keep your eyes open for me, alright? I know it’s gonna be hard, but I need you to do that.”

“But it feels better that way.”

He kicked a door open that led to stairs, “I know it does Y/N/N/N, I know. But I really need you to keep them open. Just until the evac gets here. Once they get us, you’ll be alright. You can close your eyes. Just keep them open till then.” Y/N/N/N. A nickname he came up with once when they were both drunk and abnormally clingy to one another. A nickname that he only used around her when he was close to breaking.

But she nodded, “Okay, I’ll try.”

He smiled down at her, “Good, try.”

He knew if she wasn’t injured and delirious, she would be yelling and screaming at him. So a part of him was happy she was, but most of him was scared that they medic wouldn’t get here in time and they would be fucked. That the team wouldn’t get there and he would lose her. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t lose her. Not yet. Not now. Not when he had so much apologizing to do.

So when he made it out of the maze of a building, he let out a breath of relief when he saw the helicopter landing. Never in his life did he think he’d be so grateful that living Agents were top priority. That they’d rather lose the dead bodies and explain to the families that there was no body than possibly lose someone that could still be of use to them. Of course, he knew there was also the likelihood that they had sent two helicopters.

As he got to the Helicopter, he passed her body to one of the Agents in it before jumping in himself. And as they flew off, he helped close the door that he had jumped in from. For a moment, he stared at the window to see the sun coming up in the distance as the building exploded. But only after a second, he turned back to see the two medics already hooking Y/N up and getting her the help she needed.

He slumped down into one of the small chairs, leaning his head against the cool metal and silently watched as they flew to a hospital in Vancouver that was used to STRATCOM and the BSAA.

--------

March 9th of 2009

Y/N's POV

Beeping. That was all she could hear. Her entire body was sore, feeling like she had been dropped from the top of a building. After a few moments of trying, she finally was able to open her eyes. But she instantly regretted it as the bright fluorescents welcomed her. She groaned as they tried to adjust to the brightness. She looked around and suddenly realized that she was in a hospital. That was the reason for the beeping as she realized how hooked up she was.

Her throat felt dry and like something had been pulled from there. She moved her head to the side and let out a shocked gasp when she saw who was by her. She thought she had been dreaming. That the fever she knew she had from the infection that she knew had happened from the terrible keep of her cut had made her imagine he was there. That he had been the one to save her.

She felt her hand move to reach out to him, but she dropped it when she heard the sound of the door opening. A lady, probably around her grams’s age, walked in. She had a soft smile on her face when she looked at Y/N and walked closer to her. Y/N watched as the lady began fiddling with one of the bags that she assumed was liquids to keep her from getting dehydrated.

“You’re very lucky that boy got to you when he did.” The lady turned to her, “He’s a keeper, that one. He hasn’t left this hospital except for the one time me and another nurse forced him to get a hotel and sleep properly.”

“He’s just my partner--no, wait, he...I don’t know.” It hurt to speak, it felt like she hadn’t used her voice in years.

The lady raised a brow, “I doubt whatever he did will last long. You’ve been here a week and he’s had chances to go back to DC, but he’s stayed here.”

“Where is here? And what day is it?”

“You’re in Vancouver, it’s March 9th. Do you know the year?”

“2009?”

“Good, who’s your President?”

She genuinely had no idea. Graham had ended his Presidency a few months ago and she still had to learn the new guy's name. Only did she know the Vice-President. “I haven’t learned his name yet, but the Vice-President is Adam Benford, he used to be the CIA Director.”

“Hm, I guess that works.” The nurse chuckled, “You sure know a lot about him.”

She looked at Leon, “Yeah...the two of them are friends.”

“I should have expected that. Well sweetheart, we have you on a morphine drip to--”

“I-I can’t have morphine in large doses. It affects me worse than dilaudid.”

The lady took a look at her file and sighed, “Well I be damned, the nurse who did this completely ignored that it says no morphine.” She looked at Y/N, “I’m going let the head nurse know and we’ll get you switched onto, dilaudid you said? It works with no issue

“Yeah, every time it’s worked in the past it's been with no issues.”

“Alright.” She wrote something down, “I’ll be back in a few.”

Y/N nodded as that lady walked out of the room. Her eyes went back to Leon, who was still asleep in the chair, but she noticed how one of his hands was sitting on top of the bed, like he had been holding hers while she was out. She gently took it in hers and brushed her thumb over the top. She wondered if Hunnigan ever found a loophole for them to work. If she ever found a way that she could use to show Leon they could have worked.

She watched as he stirred, his eyes slowly opening and blinking to adjust to the bright lights. He groaned before looking at her and she watched as he straightened up and took her hand in his own. She watched as his usual emotionless face turned to one full of emotions.

She gave him a soft smile, “Hey Lee.”

He moved the chair to be closer before he ran a hand over her, moving hair from her face. “Hey beauti--Y/N/N.”

She moved her hand to go back to rubbing the top of his, “You can call me beautiful. You got me out of there after all.”

“You scared me, y’know? I thought I had lost you there and I wouldn’t be able to tell you how sorry I--”

“Don’t, please. Just...just don’t. I don’t want to think about that. You’re here, that's what matters. That shows that you really care, even if you can be annoying about showing it.”

He gave a small smile, “Yeah, but I really am sorry for not...talking to you. It was fucking Stacey who walked in and he threatened to expose us. I just didn’t want your life to get fucked over.”

“Why would mine?”

He sighed, “Hunnigan said that unfortunately, STRATCOM would rather lose you than me. So if they had found out, they would have displaced you. Put you in another department or place you with one of the other offices. But we wouldn’t be able to see each other anymore.”

“And you were scared I would argue and say it was nothing.”

“Yep.”

She looked over to the other side, “I hate when you’re right.”

She heard him chuckle, “It’s a rare feat, but one that can happen.” She looked back at him and smiled, but the smile fell as she began to think. “What’s wrong?”

“Why did you call for a new partner?”

He let out a big sigh, “Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing your broken face everyday. Be right by you, pretending to be a supportive friend while you move on.”

She scoffed, “Yeah, me moving on would’ve taken a lot. Trust me. I even asked Hunnigan to find loopholes in the rules for us to be together.” She sighed, “I guess she never found one cause she never told me.”

He laughed awkwardly and she raised an eyebrow, “Well...that’s not necessarily true.”

“What?”

“She found the loophole after you went dark.”

“And she told you?”

“So I might have come in drunk one day, felt bad because I did that because I drove drunk, and asked her to drive me back to my apartment. It was like I could hear you in my head getting mad, not because I showed up drunk, but because I drove drunk. So while she was taking me to my place, I might have spilt that I fucking hated what I did to you and wished that there was some fucking way for us to work and she might have told me the way it could. The small loophole that you asked her to go looking for.”

“What is it?”

“A lifetime commitment that we both said we weren’t ready for.”

“Kids?”

He snorted, “No. Not that.” He moved and dug in his pocket before handing her a small dark blue velvet box. She felt her heart in her throat. “Yeah...that’s the commitment.”

She opened the box to see the ring. It was simple, not over the top. Two diamonds with a sapphire in the middle on a silver band. She let out a shaky breath before looking at him, “When did you get this?”

“Um...a while ago actually. Last summer, I believe.”

She laughed slightly, “That was why you asked me what my ring size was.”

He laughed as well, “Yeah, I expected you to catch on.”

“But...that was before we talked about marriage.” She looked at him, “That was why you asked me, wasn’t it?”

He shrugged, “I realized that I would rather have a possible answer than make you uncomfortable.”

She smiled and for some reason, she leaned over to him and kissed his lips softly. “Why don’t you ask me now.”

“What?”

Her voice was soft, “Just ask that four word question.” She brushed some hair out of his face, “My answer won’t be dependent on it being the only way for us to be together and work together.”

He smiled, “Y/F/N, will you marry me?”

She smiled, “Yes.” She kissed him again, “Y’know, I would have said yes if you had asked me at Christmas.”

“Really?”

She nodded, “Mhm, that was around the time that I realized that even though marriage is a big commitment and we both have our issues with commitment, I was sure I would be able to fully stay with you. Was it partly because you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with that can handle me when my brain can’t function so I just shut down? Possibly. But it also had to do with the fact I can’t see myself with anyone else but you and every time I imagine a future, you’re always there.”

Now it was his turn to brush hair from her face, “So we could have avoided these past few months if I had just looked at the handbook for a loophole?”

She nodded, “Yep. But that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

He laughed, “Good.”

She closed the box and handed it back to him, “Hold onto it for me until we head back to DC.”

He took it and placed it back in his pocket, “I love you, you know that right?”

“I questioned it for a while, but yes, now I do.”

He laughed, “Good.”

They were silent for a few minutes until she looked him dead in the eye, “Can you promise me one thing, Leon?”

“What is it?”

“Never let me go, please? Promise me if you ever start to get insecure with anything in our relationship that you will tell me and we work on it.”

He smiled and kissed the top of her hand, “I promise.”

She smiled, “Good.”

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whatstruthgottodowithit · 11 months

Text

I'd Lie

Fandom: American Actor, RPF

Pairing: 50s! Austin Butler x Reader

Characters: 50s!Austin Butler, Reader, You, Original Female Character

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 3271

Summary: And if you asked me if I love him, I'd lie.

Tags/Warnings: Young Love, Romance, Angst, Fluff, Leaving home, Song Fic, 50s AU, Mechanic Austin, Friendsto Lovers, Reader has a name, Grief, Grieving, I'd Lie // Taylor Swift

Notes: This was going to be about Graham Dunne but the lyrics are literally about austin idc what you say

SONG LINK // HALLOWEEN MASTERLIST

The wind was cold as you stepped out of the diner, enough that it forced you to pull your coat a little tighter around you, sinking your hands into the pockets so that your chilled fingers might find some warm relief. Austin smiled at you as you did though you wondered how he himself wasn’t shivering given that he was only wearing his overalls. He seemed unbothered though as he led you to the only car parked in the lot, opening your door and making sure you were inside before he jogged to the driver’s side.

As he slid onto the bench seat you watched him. He was completely unaware of you, more focused on getting the car started and setting off on the short journey to your house. This had become a regular thing for you two. You’d known Austin for a while given that he worked at the same garage as your brother and the two of them came into the diner you worked at next door almost every day. Yet when your brother had moved across town you’d felt bad about having him travel in the opposite direction to drop you at home and so Austin had volunteered citing it was no issue given that he passed that way anyway. And before you knew it he was taking you home almost every day and because of it you were in love.

You didn’t know when the transition had occurred, from platonic feelings to romantic ones, but now they consumed your every waking moment. Seeing him was the first thing you thought about when you woke up. Your stomach would flutter whenever he’d come into the diner to make sure you were still on for a ride home, always ending up taking a seat to talk for five minutes, or twenty, before he’d realise he’d overstayed and headed back to work, offering you a knee-weakening smile as he went. And every night, when he’d drop you home you’d watch him, awestruck at the way his blue eyes sparkled or the way he pushed his tousled locks off his face. He did it now, finally looking at you and offering you a smile as he said, ‘sorry, it’s a little frosty out tonight and these heaters don’t cope well with it.’ ‘It’s not a worry,’ you said. ‘You sure?’ he said going to fiddle with the knobs on the dashboard again, ‘give me a minute and I’ll get ‘em workin’.’ ‘Aus it’s fine,’ you giggled, placing your hand on the back of his to stop him from fussing. He paused, checking in on you one last time before he nodded and pulled back, finally relaxing for the journey.

‘So,’ he said, his eyes now fixed on the road, ‘how was your day?’ ‘Good,’ you replied. ‘Wow Lainey,’ he chuckled, ‘I don’t know how I’m gonna take in all that info.’ ‘Oh hush,’ you giggled, ‘what else can I say?! The diner is the diner. It’s the same every day though I guess I did make a decent amount of tips today.’ ‘Larry been in again huh?’ he teased making you roll your eyes. Though you spent most of your time waiting for Austin to come in the rest of your shift was spent avoiding Larry, Austin’s baby-faced fellow mechanic who you’d made the mistake of being overly nice to on your first shift and now found sticking to you like glue any time he got the chance to come in. ‘Don’t tease,’ you said shoving him which made him smirk. ‘Hey now,’ he said raising his hands off the steering wheel in submission. ‘I mean it! I feel bad when he comes in he’s always so nice,’ you said. He was nice, completely and utterly pleasant, it was just unfortunate you couldn’t return his affections. ‘Hey take what you can I say,’ he chuckled, ‘I mean I would well if anyone bothered to tip us.’ ‘Well maybe if you were better at your work they would,’ you said a smile on your face which grew as shock fell on his pretty features before he pushed his lips together, impressed by your ribbing. ‘You’re funny,’ he said with a smirk that made your stomach flutter before he sat back cockily, moving so that he was facing you more as if driving had now become an imposition, something he was able to do with one hand the other thrown up on the bench, so close to your shoulder his fingertips could almost brush against your clothed skin.

‘Well if you must know I kinda did get a tip today,’ he said. ‘Really?’ you asked, unable to be embarrassed at how quickly he could have you on the hook. You turned yourself to face him, your leg tucking under the other as you sat up eagerly. ‘Yeah, well if a phone number counts,’ he smirked. At first you thought it was a joke but as the words ran through your mind once more you realised it wasn’t and if it was it was one you didn’t find at all funny. Your heart squoze in your chest but your face didn’t change, a smile, less genuine than the one you had sported the entire ride, christening your face as you said, ‘oh, really? Who from?’ ‘Oh uh her name was Charlotte, I uh, I’ve never seen her around here I figured she’d broken down when she came in but there wasn’t anything wrong with it,’ he said and you had to force yourself not to roll your eyes. Of course there wasn’t anything wrong with it, she’d probably seen him around and prayed he’d find something wrong when she brought her car in. ‘Must’ve been something else that attracted her,’ you said, offering him a tight smile. ‘Or maybe she thought she could get a discount,’ he joked. You didn’t know if he felt the shift in the air and was trying to get the momentum of your conversation back into its jokey nature or he simply was oblivious to the way your heart was no longer in it but you felt bad about it either way and offered him a slightly less hostile smile. Silence descended for a moment as you shifted back to face the window, a question bubbling on the tip of your tongue.

‘So, are you gonna call her?’ you asked, refusing to look at him as you fiddled with the material of your skirt picking at the remnants of a mustard stain that you had thought you’d managed to get every inch of. ‘Nah,’ he said, the casualness in his voice enough to make your head snap up. He was looking out the windshield, unaware your eyes were now on him and roving every inch of his face to see if he was being truthful or not. ‘Why? Isn’t she pretty enough?’ you said. ‘No it’s not that,’ he said, though you didn’t know if that was a fact to be happy or sad about, ‘it’s just what’s the point?’ ‘The point?’ you asked, your brow furrowing as he looked at you and shrugged. ‘Of all that stuff,’ he said. ‘You don’t want to fall in love?’ you asked, your heart hammering in your chest as you awaited his answer. ‘It’s just not gonna happen is it,’ he said and suddenly your heart was no longer hammering because you were sure it had stopped. All your ideas about the possibility of the two of you going any further crashing down around you as you looked at him. His words had been firm yet as you looked at him he shifted awkwardly. ‘You don’t believe in love?’ was all you could ask, disappointment lacing through your voice though it turned to pity as his jaw tightened and he replied, ‘I don’t believe in much of anything anymore.’

If your heart had been aching before it was worse now as you thought about his reasoning. You understood why, your brother had told you about how Austin had lost his mother a little over a year ago, but for him to feel so hopeless felt wrong. Because for him not to have faith, to not dream of a loving and bright future, well that felt as though two lights had been robbed from the world, not just one. You didn’t know how long it had been since he’d spoken, or if you’d been staring at him incredulously the entire time but he was getting uncomfortable under your scrutiny as he said, ‘what?’ ‘I just…’ you said, the words you wanted to say rushing to the surface first though you made yourself force them back and instead said, ‘I just don’t understand how you don’t believe in love.’ ‘Because no one falls in love not really,’ he said, ‘not in this town anyway.’ ‘That’s not true,’ you said. Your conversations were often like this, whilst he normally saw everything as black and white you leant more towards shades of grey which meant that you’d often end up debating topics the entirety of your journeys, sometimes even parking up outside your house for ages until you’d both concede just a little. But this wasn’t something you wanted to debate because you didn’t know how to explain how you could believe in something you’d only ever felt because of him. ‘No?’ he scoffed, ‘you think folks are thinking about love when they get together? No they’re out for a good time and then they’re stuck ‘cause they get knocked up. That or they get sick of bein’ alone so they convince themselves they’re in love.’

You fell silent. You could feel your brain screaming at you to challenge him. To ask him how that could be the case when you loved him. You weren’t out for a good time and if it was just about staving off loneliness why hadn’t you jumped at the chance at being with Larry? He was a decent guy, one who would probably make a good husband, so why weren’t you interested in him? If love didn’t exist why did your heart flutter just looking at him, as infuriatingly stubborn as he was? Again your silence made him uncomfortable but rather than backing down he turned, putting both hands on the wheel as his jaw tightened once more. He was angry.

‘You don’t believe me,’ he said quietly. ‘I just think that’s a sad way to think Aus,’ you said honestly. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe him, it was that you didn’t want to. ‘Okay,’ he challenged looking back at you, ‘how should I think?’ ‘What?’ you asked. ‘Tell me what it’s like, this love thing, I mean if you believe in it,’ he said. ‘What?’ you repeated unable to compute what he wanted you to do. He sounded as if he was goading you, the friendly banter you had shared not ten minutes ago recurring, but there was a sadness to his eyes that didn’t escape your notice. As if he genuinely didn’t understand how love worked anymore. ‘I mean you must have had a glimpse of it right? If you can believe it exists,’ he said. ‘Love isn’t something you can prove Aus,’ you stammered, ‘it’s a feeling. Like faith or God.’ ‘Now that’s a whole other debate Lainy,’ he said, offering you a smile for what felt like the first time in forever. It was a gesture that made you relax, whatever heated words passed between you now softening though the emotions he had stirred up were still bubbling under the surface and if you were going to explain yourself, even in the hopes of getting him to change his mind you needed to be careful. Unfortunately patience didn’t seem to be one of his virtues tonight considering you were on the fringes of your neighbourhood approaching your house with each passing second.

‘C’mon,’ he pushed gently. ‘Well,’ you started the words still sticking on their way out, ‘it’s not something you can really explain.’ ‘See,’ he said a self-satisfied smirk on his face. ‘That doesn’t mean it’s not real!’ you protested, of course it was real how else could you explain how you felt about him? Why else would you be sitting in his truck now? Relishing in the short amount of time he spared for you on every one of these drives. How could it explain how you knew everything about him from his favourite colour to the fact those shining blue eyes staring at you resembled his father’s. How else could you explain how that cocky self-assured smile didn’t make you want to call him a jerk and run a mile but instead make you long to wipe it from his face with a breath-stealing kiss. But you didn’t do that. As he revelled in your silence you sat up in your chair, turning to him again as you prepared to speak.

‘Okay you want to know about love?’ you challenged making him shrug, an act that excited you and irritated you at the same time, ‘love is being happy without any explanation. It’s seeing that person and your whole day getting better even if you only saw them for a goddamn second. It’s being willing to go to hell and back if it meant keeping them safe or making them happy. It’s being able to disagree and have them drive you insane and yet still like them. It’s not something you can explain, not really, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there. And a life without it? Well that’s pretty damn bleak in my opinion.’

He was quiet for a moment as were you, hoping your words hadn’t been too obvious that he’d realise the meaning behind your sentiments. Finally he said, ‘wow.’ ‘What?’ you breathed, panic grappling at your insides. ‘Nuthin’,’ he said, ‘you just sound sure of yourself like, well like you know how it feels.’ ‘Yeah well,’ you replied hoping that was non-committal enough he wouldn’t ask any more questions. Your luck wasn’t that fortunate though. ‘So who’s the guy?’ he asked making your eyes meet. ‘What?’ you asked. ‘Well there must be someone you feel that way about right?’ he asked. He’s stopped the car now somewhere in your ranting and he turned it off and turned to face you, his blue eyes sparkling in he streetlight. This was your chance, you could tell him now and hope that he’d love you back, but you worried because as of five minutes ago he didn’t even believe in love. So instead you lied. ‘Well there’s not.’ ‘Not at all?’ he asked sceptically, ‘how do you know then…if there’s no guy I mean.’ ‘I just do,’ you said, feeling your cheeks burning as he watched you, ‘I should go my mama will be wondering what’s taking so long.’ ‘Okay,’ he said and though you were sure there was a hint of disappointment in his voice you didn’t pause to hear it, fumbling with the car door until you were out, mumbling goodnight and barely hearing his reply before the door slammed shut between you and you were hurtling up the garden path.

When you got inside your mother was up, sitting in her favourite chair as she listened to the radio, her knitting needles clacking alongside it. She peered around as you entered, shirking your coat and shoes off as quickly as possible, hoping she wouldn’t want you to stop and chat. Again you had no luck.

‘Is he not coming inside?’ she asked and because she was looking your way you had to fight not to roll your eyes. You had told her a hundred times before that there had been a change in your lift schedule and yet she had somehow not yet committed it to memory. ‘Mama it was Austin,’ you sighed. ‘I thought Pete dropped you off?’ she said, her brow furrowing. ‘No,’ you said gritting your teeth so that you didn’t snap at her, ‘Aus brings me home now remember? It’s out of Pete’s way so it’s easier for him to.’ ‘As long as that’s all it is,’ she said catching you off guard. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ you asked. ‘Well it’s just the two of you being alone together,’ she said. ‘Mama he’s just being a friend,’ you said unsure as to why you were getting annoyed at her, probably because the thing she was insinuating was what you longed to happen and yet it never would. ‘And that’s all there is to it?’ she asked making your jaw clench. ‘Yeah, now if you’ll excuse me I better get to bed. I’ve got an early shift tomorrow,’ you said and before she could reply you rushed up the stairs trying to ignore the ache in your gut.

You didn’t sleep well that night, Austin’s hopeless face echoing in your mind until the early hours, so when you awoke the next morning you found dark circles under your eyes. It didn’t mean anything though because you’d cover them with makeup, it was just that unlike every other day your beautifying was more about practicality than praying it’d help Austin see how pretty you were.

Fortunately your mother was nowhere to be seen when you got downstairs which suited you as you weren’t in the mood to speak to anyone. Though as you got outside you noticed there was someone waiting, familiar blue eyes finding yours in an instant. Austin.

‘What are you doing here?’ you asked confused as you met him on the sidewalk. ‘I thought I’d give you a ride to work,’ he said leaning up off the door of the truck and opening it so that you could climb inside but you didn’t move, instead you stood stock still on the sidewalk eyeing him curiously. ‘Shouldn’t you be at work?’ you asked, confused by the whole thing. Whilst he normally gave you a ride home he worked longer hours than you so your getting to the diner was on your own head. ‘I have break,’ he shrugged as if that explained everything. When you failed to move still he hesitated, glancing down at his shoes as he said, ‘and I er, I thought about what you said…about the whole ‘love thing.’’ ‘And?’ you asked those nerves from last night creeping back in. ‘And maybe I do know what it’s like,’ he said looking up at you, ‘I just hadn't realised.’ ‘Oh,’ you said, the way he watched you making your fears ebb, replaced by hope. So much so you tested the waters and said, ‘and what made you realise that?’ ‘How angry I got when I thought there might be another guy,’ he admitted sheepishly. ‘Oh,’ was all you could say, happiness crashing through you yet leaving you unable to vocalise it. ‘You lied right?’ he asked, coming towards you so that you were less than a foot apart, your hands coming up instinctively to touch him, his fingers tracing over your skin. ‘Yeah,’ you breathed. ‘There is a guy huh?’ he asked, your eyes meeting as you looked up at him. ‘Yeah, he just took a lil time to catch up,’ you smiled. ‘And you’re okay with that?’ he asked unsure. Of course you knew why and maybe you should’ve been worried to take a chance on a boy who hadn’t even realised he had feelings for you until they were slapping him in the face but you couldn’t bring yourself to worry. Austin loved you and that was all you needed. And now you weren’t going to risk losing it by brushing it off with a lie. ‘I’d have waited for him forever.’

AUSTIN TAGS

@caitlin1996 @purejasmine

#my writing #austin butler #austin butler x reader #austin butler fic #50s austin #id lie #songfic #Halloween challenge #Halloween writing challenge

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youareinlove · 4 months

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Challenge: create your perfect taylor swift album, you have to pick songs from every album but you can choose some more than others but all of them have to be there and it can’t be random tracks it has to be the respective tracks 1 from each, tracks 2 from each etc. your album can have 10 to 13 songs and also choose the name (whatever album name you like better) and the cover (whatever cover you like better)

ok so i’m going to go for a more light pop/indie-ish sound because that’s going to translate the best across all albums (sound was a huge focus when it came to my choices), and i’m going to make the album 11 songs long so i have to choose one from each. these aren’t necessarily my favorites but i was thinking about which songs would work well together

track 1: the 1, ultimate album opener and perfect start to anything, very open-ended sonically and lyrically track 2: red, it’s one of my favorites and such a good transition from the 1! also shaping up to be an album about relationships/remembering but still open-ended enough that it could go in a lot of different directions track 3: gold rush, SO PEAK and sounds incredible with the rest of the album so far. ALSO fits the theme, both sonically and lyrically track 4: snow on the beach, storytelling-wise it’s a perfect escalation from gold rush and then obviously the sound works really well track 5: the archer was the only choice. i thought long and hard about the track 5 and i couldn’t use folklore, red, evermore, and midnights’s because i’d already used tracks from each, and the archer was the only one that still fit thematically (and sonically). but honestly, i think it works perfectly, because the anxieties that were all over gold rush and snow on the beach are expanded upon, ending with “you could stay”! it’s perfect track 6: but daddy i love him, mostly chose this one for sonic reasons but it kinda works thematically too and i think i can make it fit with my later choices track 7: breathe, we haven’t been real sad in a while and this one is a great pick. also a great escalation from bdilh track 8: never grow up, so much of the album so far has been about the pains of adulthood/growing up and this just works thematically i think track 9: wildest dreams, and i was specifically reserving this slot for it. sonically it checks out, it works well for after the track run of bdilh -> breathe -> never grow up because it’s about a relationship that is doomed from the start and ties in the memory thing from the beginning track 10: MARY’S SONG BECAUSE I STAY UNSERIOUS track 11: dancing with our hands tied, perfect song, perfect closer because it ties in the doomed from the start + jumping into a love headfirst + believing in something + growing up. wraps up the album really well and i think has its thesis statement in it (i’d hold you as the water rushes in if i could dance with you again). does not match sonically but this was the only way so idc it’s the last track we’ll live

the album name is going to be red, it’s not my favorite album name but it fits this album the best, and the cover is going to be the fearless tv cover cause you guys can hate her but she is VERSATILE (also not my favorite but alas). it does bother me that it isn’t the color red despite that being the album name but you win some you lose some

#this was so fun ily #anon asks #asks

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ninjamomo · 1 year

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kavetham hcs

as the title says; im having a brainrot of those two sillies so bear with me (i haven't written anything for ages now)

they listen to taylor swift (yes she exists in every world) together. kaveh sings “the way i loved you” to alhaitham; even though alhaitham says he doesn’t like it he actually loves when kaveh sings to him. ofc kaveh knows it

if someone ever asks alhaitham what he listens most throughout the day, he’d say some classical music. but the real answer is actually “enchanted” by taylor swift. its because this song reminds of kaveh. he is so whipped istg

whenever they’re both home, they cook together !! well i mean, its mostly haitham doing the cooking and kaveh just being pretty & him doing food-tasting.

after alhaitham became the grand sage, he tends to forget eating because of his workload. so kaveh brings him lunch to his office at the akademiya.

at first, alhaitham’s secretary would always ask him before they let kaveh in. but after some time, they just stopped asking & let kaveh come in without even lifting their head. kaveh was getting annoyed anyways lol

alhaitham is the only person who can interrupt kaveh while he is working & get his ass to home when he overworks himself. even though he has tons of workload; when the time gets late, haitham knows when to stop for the day. so he always finds kaveh completely drown in his work only to make him stop & have him take a break.

we all know that their bickering is famous all around sumeru. but after they got together, even though their bickering didn’t stop, the affectionate gestures has started.

still to this day, people of sumeru couldn’t find out if they are together or not. one day, a brave & a young soul tried to ask kaveh about their relationship status. kaveh being the cheeky mf, he answered his question with a question: “what do you think, huh?” he winked.

their friendgroup of course knows that they’re together but whenever they’re approached with the questions “are they together? , are they friends? do they still live together?” etc etc; they never respond to those questions.

one time tighnari would say “yes they are together” and the other time cyno would say “wdym, they are not together ofc”. kaveh and cyno are having way too much fun by confusing the poor souls.

yes they force tighnari and alhaitham to play along with their antics. yes i do not make the rules.

they go on picnic dates on weekends !!! sometimes they ask their friends to come, sometimes they just ask nahida & wanderer to accompany them. even though wanderer complains when he gets asked, he always agrees. he doesn’t have the heart to say no to nahida. (he loves spending time with kaveh & aihaitham idc. those four are a family together)

when kaveh brings his work to home, alhaitham accompanies him by reading his book while kaveh works. yes their love language is quality time.

kaveh gets jealous way too easily than haitham and he does not hold himself back to when it comes to showing his emotions. alhaitham may be the silent type but we all know that he is a one possesive fucker when it comes to kaveh.

he knows kaveh gets all the eyes on him whenever he enters the room. he also knows that kaveh loves the attention. but what he also knows is that kaveh loves his attention the most.

he knows how possesive alhaitham is, so some days (especially when he gets jealous of him) he tries alhaitham to his limits. we can all guess what happens when they get home after those days ;)

alhaitham braids kaveh’s hair !! they get into a routine & every morning haitham braids his hair. kaveh knows perfectly well how to style his hair but he loves when haitham is the one doing it.

alhaitham has softer hands when you compare them to kaveh’s. (yes kaveh takes perfect care of his hands but because of his job he can’t help but have more rough hands when he compares to haitham)

so kaveh loves playing with alhaitham’s hands. one can safely say that doing this calms his always-working mind. since kaveh loves it, alhaitham doesn’t mind being extra when it comes to his hands. he always keeps them soft for kaveh.

yes this also means that haitham is very capable with his hands.

whenever they argue, kaveh goes to cyno & tighnari for help. and alhaitham goes to nilou when he needs breath after their arguments. nilou always helps him calm his mind. sometimes she listens, sometimes she gives advices; she is always there for him. (yes i hc haitham & nilou as best friends)

nahida learns what true love actually means from them. i know this sounds cheesy as hell but this is the truth. they crash, they kiss, they fight, they make up, they make out. they’re each other’s biggest critics. they’re each other’s biggest fans & number one supporters. they’re each other’s home, comfort.

they’re just so silly together and so whipped for one another and they think they are being slick when it comes to pda. well, they are not. everyone loves hates them.

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #genshin fluff #genshin alhaitham #genshin kaveh #kavetham #alkaveh #kaveh x alhaitham #kaveh hcs #alhaitham hcs #kavetham hcs #genshin fanfic #kaveh #alhaitham #alhaitham x kaveh

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shinycollarboneapologist · 1 year

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omg illicit affairs anon here and happy to report how I feel on every taylor song!!! my fav album is evermore so I would die for any song on there and will defend it to my death.

matty is literally who taylor wrote all this songs for wdym?? Harry Styles? never heard of him... style is clearly for Mr. Matthew Timothy Healy and I won't here shit otherwise! I love to live in my delusion and pretend peace is ab me and matty bc he's so famous... no I am not mentally well thanks for asking!!!!

mirrorball? I think it's safe to say I'm a mirrorball stan considering I have a tattoo for it on my ribs... FOLKLORE IS POETRY I LOVE IT (I also rated the whole of folklore and mirrorball is no.3)

my tears ricochet? I CAN GO ANYWHERE I WANT, ANYWHERE I WANT JUST NOT HOME!!! proud owner of an og folklore cardigan here I love my tears ricochet!!!! it's number 6 on my overall folklore rating which sounds low but folklore just has too many bangers you know??

tis the damn season? seeing this on the eras tour set list did send me into cardiac arrest, thank you!!! this is one of those sad bangers that gets me HYPE to feel depressed but slightly jam at the same time. I was prepped to have 0 evermore songs but to have THIS?? I cried watching the live stream at 3am (International swiftie grind)

false god? unlike any other taylor song but it BANGS!!! I want her to play it and john from the 1975 to play all the sax bits ty!! lover is my 3rd favourite album and I haven't been able to listen to it since... the news :(((

I also am a debut stan I am happy to say, people give it wayyyy to much hate!! picture to burn?? should've said no?? I'm only me when I'm with you?? our song?? it's a no skip album and I'll take that to my grave.

overall miss taylor swift deserves every award and I want her and the '75 to stand there and preform their entire discography to me and you in our cottage ty, as payment we will name some cats after them!!

love you bestie <33333

EVERMORE AND SPEAK NOW ARE MY TOP TWO (WITH 1989 and FOLKORE TIED FOR A THIRD). evermore has the worlds best song (champagne problems) and the deluxe tracks???? right where you left me? its time to go? like okay ms. swift...

PLEJDGLDF as a h*rry stan and a 75 stan, my delusional brain goes back and forth through periods of daydreaming about 1989 being the harry album and the matthew Timothy healy love letter. ALSO i am right with you with the whole daydreaming thing. maybe mine is champagne problems being about me and matty and me not being ready for a relationship with him bc i love angst and drama. (i am the drama. also the rumor that went around when it first came out that champagne problems was about justin and selena? that broke me..)

MIRRORBALLLLLLLLLLL SENDS MEEEEEEE FOR A LOOP. its the song i lay in bed to and just stare at the ceiling, literally on my disassociation playlist. (i wish i was joking). and omg.. the tattoo.. its literally on my list of ones i want to get. (besties and twinsies)

me adding u to my rob list bc i longed for a folklore cardigan. ALSO. I GET TTTT IT SO MUCH. folklore is a banging album.

the way i literally threw my phone when she started playing it. i was in SHOCK. its literally top tier from the album. i was so ready for her to disrespect evermore completely, so i was very much satisfied that it was on the setlist.

FALSE GOD IS SO SEXY TO ME. the sax ... the soulfulness. i sway when it comes on bc its just so good?!?!? also ur so right for wanting john to play the sax on it. i think i would keel over and die. (Also just wanted to update you that i listened to lover on the way home from work ln and it .... it wounded me but i was BRAVE)

debut is soooooooooo chef's kiss. i am not a country fan at ALL. but i will get down and dirty to her old music idc. our song <3 im an our song STAN. i loved the music video.

me and you inviting only miss swift and the 1975 (plus their touring band) to our little cottage with our cats. it sounds like heaven to me. (matty is only allowed in when he's performing though, we have to humble him somehow)

love you SO MUCH. i hope ur having a wonderful day <3

#illicit affairs anon.#we still need to rename u #m rambles

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autocann1bal · 2 years

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part five of my playlist analysis series!!

part 1 <;- part 2 <- part 3 <- part 4 <-

im having so much fun i hope you guys are also liking this bc this would be a massive waste of time if not

afraid - the neighborhood yes this is technically my locklyle playlist but this is SUCH a george song and you all KNOW IT. he feels so left out all the time because lockwood and lucy are. lockwood and lucy. hes afraid that hes just going to fade into the background aND THIS IS WHY I SUGGEST LOCKLYLE + GEORGE QPR IM SPREADING MY AGENDA.

white teeth teens - lorde lucy after shes been in the city for awhile, interacted with all the fittes and rotwell kids, all that sort of thing. she just feels so out of place.

the gold - pheobe bridgers version - pheobe bridgers owie :,( lucy missing norrie vibes. wonderland - taylor swift its so them. its just so them. this is also where my green eyes lockwood hc came from. i just think that they <33. better than me - the brobecks lucy insecurity moment. part 2 i believe?? your favorite dress - lil peep, lil tracy this is so dumb but i love the idea that lucy and lockwood heard this song on the radio once in a cab and jokingly where like 'omg us' and its a running joke now. fourth of july - sufjan stevens OW OW OW OW OW :(((((((((((( much pain so much ow so much cry lucy is missing norrie and feeling like she replaced norrie with lockwood. moment - vierre cloud lockwood trying to hide his emotions and deny his love for lucy, despite the whole world knowing. talking to the moon - bruno mars this song takes me tf out every single time. its so lockwood staring at the moon outside his window, talking to it like its lucy because he misses her after she left. we'll never have sex - leith ross spreading my ace locklyle agenda. they are just so. soft and fluffy and trhrhfdhgdkjfghfg and in no ways am i saying this needs to be everyone elses hc idc what yall hc i just like projecting myself onto characyers KJHDFGHKDFG. video games - lana del rey this one is like diet mountain dew in the way that like. it reallt doesnt actually fit their vibe it just sounds right yk. bored - billie eilish oh my god just imagine lockwood starts to isolate from everyone but especially lucy because hes to afraid of getting to close to her and lucy feels like shes been played because he was so affectionate before and then after she comes back, hes all flirty with holly and just RHFHFHHFG angst. so nice so smart - kimya dawson i just think its a silly song that they might sing in the morning while making breakfast or smth no deeper meaning for this one :). drunk walk home - mitski owie. lucy being extra reckless on jobs after she leaves. just not being safe in general. the screaming is so her. i deserve this - rebzyyx stoppit be quiet i know its rebzyyx ik its kinda dumb but i dont care this is exactly how lockwood felt after lucy left. not necessarily the sound of the song but the lyrics. new flesh - current joys cozy bike ride vibes, all three of them go for a nice bikeride on a nice day in spring :). the lourve - lorde the beloveds exploring a museum (not necessarily the actual lourve but they are on a museum trip be quiet). homemade dynamite - lorde this one doesnt have a specific thing i just thnik its vaguely got a them vibe. if you ask me to explain i wont because i cant. class of 2013 - mitski lucy telling lockwood about her mommy issues :(. money - the drums lockwood vibes i cant explain it specifically but its lockwood vibes. the perfect girl - mareux lockwood simp time but sad edition part 2. softcore - the neighborhood lockwood staying up late laying in bed after lucy left. he cant get his mind off her for long enough to sleep. lovers rock - tv girl THIS IS SO SELF EXPLANATORY BUT I DONT CARE ITS SO CUTE THEYRE JUST LISTENING TO MUSIC IN LUCYS ROOM CUDDLING ON THE BED AND ONE OF THEM IS MESSING WITH THE OTHER ONES HAIR AND THIS SONG STARTS AND THEY JUST GET UP AND START DANCING TOGETHER AND THEY KISS AND ITS DO DOMESTIC AND CUTE SOBBBBBB cigarettes out the window - tv girl thoughts being thought late at night, both end up at the others door at some point or another, but neither dares go in. rises the moon - liana flores hc that lucy is just. an amazing fucking singer and sometimes lockwood has her sing him to sleep <33. wildest dreams - taylor swift i couldnt not its just so silly it so doesnt actually fit with their story but its so funny i love associating them with taylor swift. another part down!! i hope someone is actually reading these so im not doing this for nothing dhfgjfdg part 6 next!!

#lockwood and co #locklyle #lucy carlyle #anthony lockwood #george karim

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togrowoldinv · 2 years

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Midnights Thoughts!!!

Okay y’all I’m dropping my first thoughts on midnights below. Let’s chat about the album!

Overall, I love it, I love it, I love it! Very lyric styles of folklore and evermore meets the sounds of Lover and Rep!

Lavender Haze:

-Okay this is the pop music standard

-the lyric “one night or a wife” so true

-we are back in bridge city

Maroon:

-sick New York reference

-bopping chorus

-“so scarlet it was maroon” very Wanda

-“carnations you thought were roses, that’s us” JESUS CHRIST

-scarlet lips seems a lil fruity

-easily a fave

Anti-Hero:

-this is for the archer girlies

-“I’m the problem, it’s me” ☹️

-“I wake up screaming from dreaming”

-it is definitely exhausting being the anti-hero

-it’s giving Natasha

Snow On The Beach:

-the beginning of this song is like when you aren’t sure if you really saw someone or you just wanted to see someone so your brain told you that you did

-“stars by the pocketful” is actually so cute

-lyrically brilliant

-where’s Lana though?

-the key change is good

You’re On Your Own, Kid:

-immediately chills

-this makes me nostalgic for high school

-reminds me of my friends and how I love them so much and how we have each other even as time changes

-“just to find my dreams aren’t rare” SHUT UP TAYLOR

-“pages turned with bridges burned” end of rep vibes

-very big sister energy

Midnight Rain:

-the beginning is wild

-lyrically I enjoy it

-very true of thinking of someone after a long time

-could make a good fic

Question…?:

-“a color I’ve searched for since” very illicit affairs like

-she says “her” a lot

-upbeat but sad

-“did you wish you put up more of a fight?”

-bridge city

Vigilante Shit:

-great vibes

-definitely the revenge she spoke of

-the girl from mad woman

-girl power anthem

-“don’t get sad, get even” tattoo this on my forehead

Bejeweled:

-“didn’t notice you walking over my peace of mind in the shoes I gave you” it’s giving my tears ricochet and the jewels she gave them

-obsessed with the way she says ✨shimmer✨

-this song scratches the itch in my brain

-one of my faves

Labyrinth:

-I cried a lot

-the breathing instructions, thank you Dr. Swift

-“I’ll be getting over you my whole life” PLEASE SEND HELP

-crying, shaking, throwing up

-Natasha Romanoff’s song

Karma:

-vibes

-lol spider boy reference

-“karma is my boyfriend” so true

-the voice layering is cute

Sweet Nothing:

-Joe!!!!!

-this is what love sounds like idc

-please someone love me like this

Mastermind:

-absolute banger

-get what you want bestie

-“I’m the wind in our free flowing sails”

-this song feels like the end of a movie when everyone comes home after a long day

Omg plus new tracks!

The Great War:

-okay the drums rock

-I like it and processing it is a lot with this chaotic surprise lol

-“I vow I will always be yours” cute!!!

Bigger Than The Whole Sky:

-“every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness” SAD but good fic material

-“I’ve got a lot to live without. I’m never gonna meet what could’ve been would’ve been” 😭

-I am a shell of a woman

Paris:

-funky fresh

-“draw a map on your bedroom ceiling” adorable!

-I love love

High Infidelity:

-great rhythm

-“the slowest way is never loving them enough” ouchie

-feels regretful yet unapologetic

Glitch:

-sounds like a rain stick lol

-interesting vibes

Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve:

-intro has similar sound to Mary Jane’s Last Dance

-“the gods honest truth is that the pain was heaven”

-Taylor don’t be shy and release the rock and roll version please

-“I regret you all the time”

-“god rest my soul, I miss who I used to be” GOOD GRIEF

Dear Reader:

-younger me needed this

-her whole heart is in it

-advice for Nothing New stans

#this are my loose first takes #I will have many more ideas as I learn lyrics #midnights #taylor swift #my inbox is wide open for taylor thoughts and theories today

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servin-up-surveys · 2 years

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survey #085

When did you last feel fear? Uhhhhh not sure, surprisingly. Are you a fan of Taylor Swift? What’s your favorite song from her? No. There are like less than five mega old songs that I enjoy though, the top definitely being "Love Story," idc that song is great. What was the last pain you’ve had on your body? My legs primarily from my knees down are in awful pain whenever I'm simply standing up, so them. What’s your favorite way to eat rice? Hm, probably fried. What’s something that has really impacted your life? The first person I was in love with, absolutely madly so to where I lost a great deal of self-autonomy, abruptly exiting my life.

What did you last have as a snack? Fudge; Mom is making some for Christmas but she picked a couple that me and her could eat out of. Are you currently listening to music? Yeah, I discovered that a YouTube artist did the song "Gangsta's Paradise" in the style of Ozzy Osbourne and it's honestly fucking incredible lmao. It's Anthony Vincent, to give credit. What is the last song you listened to in a car? Ummmm I feel like it was something by Motionless In White. Are there any important things happening this week? Well, this isn't really "important," but it's somewhat of a big deal to me because I'm rarely on my own; Mom and Nicole are going to Tennessee to visit my brother and his family (I very much wanted to go, but there are reasons I couldn't that I don't want to talk about), so I'm gonna be on my own for close to a week. Girt wants to come over a lot though so I'm not alone, so I appreciate that. Do you know anyone who is terrified of dogs? I don't think so. What’s your favorite horror movie? The Blair Witch Project, The Crazies, and then Silent Hill, though I think that's just a bias, the movie incarnation isn't fantastic. What’s your favorite and least favorite fast food restaurant? Favorite, probably Sonic. Least favorite, fucking Arby's, just looking at their stuff makes me want to puke. When did you last sign your signature? Uh a couple days ago at a doctor's appointment bc I got a new insurance card or something. What cover do you think is better than the original song? I think the two strongest, your-argument-is-invalid examples are Disturbed's "The Sound of Silence" cover as well as Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt." Like it feels like they fucking wrote those songs, they were MADE for 'em. What’s something that excites you about the future? Inspired by the answer of the person I copied this survey from, watching my sister's kids grow up. They're my only nieces and nephew I've been heavily involved with (NOT by my will, my half siblings just live in different states), and I just love seeing the three of them grow as individuals. I always have this fear they'll grow to dislike me/maybe drop me from their lives because of how much of the black sheep of the family I am, but I try to not think of this possibility. Are you afraid of walking alone at night? Oh I absolutely would be. Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? My bed with my boyfriend. Are you a very affectionate person? YES. I love hugs and I will tell you I love you every opportunity I get. I will petname tf outta you too if it's something that doesn't make the person uncomfortable. I am just such, SUCH a massive believer in vibrantly expressing how much you care for people. Are you mentally strong? There are some LOVELY people who make me question it, but when it boils down to it, yes I fucking am. I'm here and alive and learning by MY determination alone. Are you physically strong? It's honestly absurd how physically weak I am, like it is humiliating how much I literally cannot do because I don't have the muscle. Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. I wish I had an income and was happy with my form of work. What do you usually eat for breakfast? Usually cereal. Did you have a good year? You know, it was far from the best, but ultimately, I think it was okay. I've had a lot of self-discovery and there's been a lot of effort put into bettering myself and trying to learn to love myself. Did your appearance change in any way this year? Besides hair color, no, not really. What album came out this year and has been on heavy rotation since then? "Zeit" by Rammstein jesus FUCKING christ Favorite new TV show? Girt and I finished the only current season of Extraordinary Attorney Woo a few days back and we are now both desperately awaiting the next one, which won't be coming for a few years apparently. :( It was approved, though. It was a FANTASTIC show. Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears? ha ha ha ha ha nervous laughter there's this band Do you carry matches or a lighter? No, no reason to. Do you keep socks with a hole in them if they are your favorites? ABSOLUTELY NOT, I hate socks already, but holes in socks are fucking insufferable to me. Have you ever frightened someone on purpose? Not as a tease, but seriously. No, that sounds very mean. Something you were surprised to learn about your parent’s childhood? Oh I have no idea. Have you ever destroyed another person’s belongings out of anger? No, that's incredibly shitty. Which painkiller do you use? Usually just Ibuprofen. Something you taught yourself how to do? Use Sony Vegas acceptably well for video editing. I am SUPER far from a pro, but I can do quite a bit. Are you guilty of texting while driving? I would literally rather never touch a phone again. Never. Have you ever caused a lot of noise in a library? No, even as a child I thought it was disrespectful. Have you ever called in at a radio station & dedicated a song to someone? No. Are you a bossy person? Absolutely not, I'd feel so gross. What social media platforms do you use? Facebook, Insta, and Tumblr are I think it. What is one of your favourite sitcoms? That '70s Show. What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Girt, a lot. For friends, "hun(ny)," "dear," "darling," and "love" are commonly used by me. What pet names do you like to be called? Most I can think of are fine. One that does come to mind that I know some people like but makes me want to hurl is "princess," like just don't. What was the best concert you've ever seen? Only seen Alice Cooper live, but it was excellent. Do you have any hobbies? Well yeah. I like browsing online, playing games, writing, reading, drawing, taking photos, editing photos and other stuff, watching YouTube, chatting with my loved ones, and I would very much enjoy being outside and going on walks if my legs weren't total garbage. When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? I legit don't think I've stayed in a hotel since my sister and I still did dance and we went to a competition by the beach. Does your hair have natural highlights in it? Yes, even when it's not dyed. What was the last decision you had trouble making? Something I talked about in therapy a few days back that I don't want to discuss. What is one type of fruit that you'd like to try that you've never tried before? Dragonfruit immediately comes to mind. It looks so interesting. Have you been told by a doctor that you are a rare medical case? Uhhhh I don't believe so. Who was the last person who came to visit you? Girt, yesterday. What is your favorite version of the Bible to read (if applicable)?

Do you have family that you wish you could see more? Absofuckinglutely. Only my very immediate family lives anywhere near me. What was the last emoji you used? Probably the crying one, I probably overuse it lmao Do you feel the need to be popular? In general, no. I would like to be a popular photographer, but that feels different than "normal" popular to me, idk. What is a good present for you birthdays? Meerkat-oriented ANYTHING is failproof and my loved ones know that, haha. You could also donate to my tattoo fund or just pay for a small one to make my fuckin week lol. What is a rule or boundary you have for yourself, that you have followed? I made a promise to a friend and myself that I would never check up on Sara's socials again and I've kept it since I made it. I have SUCH a hard fucking time letting people go, even those who don't deserve a second of me, and it was problematic that I felt the need to just check on her, but it only ever hurt me. So I stopped. Have you ever played Battleship? Yeah, that's actually a "board" game (quotations cuz that's a weird way to describe it) I really don't mind, it's pretty fun. Girt and I used to play it a lot at the old house. Do you wear skulls on your clothes? Yeah, very regularly. Do you like to record yourself? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Do you like the color hot pink? Hell yeah I do. Do you like watching wrestling? Absolutely not, I'm sorry, but it's dumb and cringey as FUCK to me. Like holy shit the acting is so goddamn bad and more dramatic than I was at age 12. I know because my niece and nephew actually like to watch it so have seen my fair share. Aubree actually wants to be a professional wrestler when she grows up and while I will support her dreams to the very fucking end I am very much hoping she changes her mind, lol. Would you rather a giftcard to Starbucks or Olive Garden? OG, I fucking love that place. What kind of people do you respect? "Ones who don’t ‘demand respect’, when they really mean obedience." <<<< THIS. I also have very deep respect for people who basically calmly lead a moral crusade, vigorously advocating for positive change while remaining peaceful and amiable and just willing to prove their point without violence. I respect vegans and vegetarians a lot, like I think that takes A LOT of discipline and a very deep appreciation for all life, and I also respect popular people who don't grow a big head, instead remaining grounded and modest. There's plenty more, but I don't feel like making a massive list. What shampoo do you have in your tub? It's some strawberry-scented Suave bottle. It smells amazing. What color is your shower curtain? Or is it glass/plastic? The shower in the hall bathroom has a white curtain, while Mom's bathroom shower has a door. Do you like to draw with pen or pencil? Pencil. Pens stress me out 'cuz you can't erase. Do you like to draw on lined paper or does it bother you? I'll do it if I have no other option; it's definitely not my preference. Are you stuck in the past? I feel like I'm a prisoner to it, at least to the old me. I'm so unwilling to forgive myself for many things, and it's very much negatively affecting my life and opinion of myself. I've changed and grown so much, but... in my head, I'm stuck on this "you're fucking trash" belief. Tell me about the worst sunburn you've ever had? I got it while at the beach with Colleenn, her husband, and their son; we were sitting under an umbrella and oddly enough, I think I actually got the worse burn on my shoulder that was facing AWAY from the sun. It was so severe it actually qualified as sun poisoning. It was fucking excruciating. My other shoulder got it pretty rough, too. Do you feel embarrassed a lot? I am pretty much constantly feeling embarrassed over one thing or another. What is the most important thing in life, quick answer? For me, I think my pursuit of happiness/peace with myself. I just want to confidently feel that so bad. Is black lipstick your favorite? It sure is. Do you like combat boots? bro they fuckin HOT, I'm a boots whore Would you ever get back with one of your exes? Nope, sure wouldn't. Man, 2015-16 Brittany wouldn't have believed that for a second, well guess what hunny Do you sometimes feel dissatisfied with your love life? No, I am so happy with Girt. Are you friends with your neighbors? Not "friends," no. The man who lives to our right is lovely and has helped Mom with getting some heavy things into the house, and they usually wave at each other if Ma passes him in the car, but I wouldn't call them "friends." Mom knows our other next-door neighbor too and thinks they're fine. Are you super generous? I think so. I sure try to be. Above anything else though, I think I'm most generous with my time. If you need to talk to someone, you fuckin got me. Do you feed the strays in your neighborhood? No; we don't really have strays anyway. Do you think old houses are creepy? I mean they can be, but I think they're cool and fascinating more than anything else! Have you won any trophies/ribbons? Which are you most proud of, if any? Lots for academic excellence, as well as for dance and sports. I'm most proud of my plaque that I can literally see from here that was for me graduating HS in the top percentile of the entire graduating class. It hurts to see sometimes though, like I wonder what the fuck happened to my level of intelligence after high school... Do you type home row or with two fingers? Home row. Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf/wife/husband? No, and I never would. It's just so, so very disrespectful of your partner's trust. Don't hurt people you supposedly love like that, man. What kind of outdoor activities do you like? Taking pictures of nature, exploring, swimming, sitting in the shade if it's cool enough and just chillin. In a movie would you be the villain, hero, or main person? You mean like, what role I would pick to play? Villain almost for sure, I genuinely think I could play a convincing villain. If you could get anything in your trick or treat bag, what would it be? Reese's anything, haha. Even as a kid, that was my favorite to get. Do you like to drive a car? No; I haven't driven in like, maybe two or even three years. I have a debilitating fear of being behind the wheel. I could never, and I mean NEVER, live with my fucking self if I ever caused a wreck and killed somebody. It is just the way smarter option for me to not drive, at least for right now. I feel super bad about not driving and therefore not being able to go anywhere on my own (public transport isn't really a big thing around here), but it's the better, safer option. What is your desktop background? A really cute and vibrant picture of a meerkat.

#survey #surveys #random questions #random surveys

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youreobsessedwithtoomanyfandoms · 1 year

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Don't Let Me Go (Part 3)

Words: 1660

Resident Evil Masterlist Main Masterlist Join My Taglist

This also was originally written for my OC Tiffany (Whose info on her/original story will eventually be available on this account @imnotobsessedwfictionalchracters )

Leon and Hunnigan are PROBABLY OOC (as I suck at not being able to keep them from being OOC)

Actually find it fucking insane how long this thing is all together

This is it in multi-part form: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

This is it in one part form

Reader and Leon are partners with their job (have been since 2004/2005) and is insinuated to be around the same height as Leon

Not Proof-read and I think it can be seen every once and a while (I know you can see where my brain couldn't function how to write the scene so I just guessed and hoped for the best)

Can be read as its own story or as a sequel to You’re About To Lose The Best Damn Thing You’ve Ever Had

Losely has themes from the songs Never Say Never by The Fray, No Surprises by Radiohead, Afterglow by Taylor Swift, and Look After You by The Fray

Anywho, enjoy

Love Z <3

March 9th of 2009

Y/N's POV

“He’s just my partner--no, wait, he...I don’t know.” It hurt to speak, it felt like she hadn’t used her voice in years.

The lady raised a brow, “I doubt whatever he did will last long. You’ve been here a week and he’s had chances to go back to DC, but he’s stayed here.”

“Where is here? And what day is it?”

“You’re in Vancouver, it’s March 9th. Do you know the year?”

“2009?”

“Good, who’s your President?”

“Hm, I guess that works.” The nurse chuckled, “You sure know a lot about him.”

She looked at Leon, “Yeah...the two of them are friends.”

“I should have expected that. Well sweetheart, we have you on a morphine drip to--”

“I-I can’t have morphine in large doses. It affects me worse than dilaudid.”

“Yeah, every time it’s worked in the past it's been with no issues.”

“Alright.” She wrote something down, “I’ll be back in a few.”

She gave him a soft smile, “Hey Lee.”

He moved the chair to be closer before he ran a hand over her, moving hair from her face. “Hey beauti--Y/N/N.”

She moved her hand to go back to rubbing the top of his, “You can call me beautiful. You got me out of there after all.”

“You scared me, y’know? I thought I had lost you there and I wouldn’t be able to tell you how sorry I--”

“Don’t, please. Just...just don’t. I don’t want to think about that. You’re here, that's what matters. That shows that you really care, even if you can be annoying about showing it.”

“Why would mine?”

“And you were scared I would argue and say it was nothing.”

“Yep.”

She looked over to the other side, “I hate when you’re right.”

She heard him chuckle, “It’s a rare feat, but one that can happen.” She looked back at him and smiled, but the smile fell as she began to think. “What’s wrong?”

“Why did you call for a new partner?”

He let out a big sigh, “Because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing your broken face everyday. Be right by you, pretending to be a supportive friend while you move on.”

He laughed awkwardly and she raised an eyebrow, “Well...that’s not necessarily true.”

“What?”

“She found the loophole after you went dark.”

“And she told you?”

“What is it?”

“A lifetime commitment that we both said we weren’t ready for.”

“Kids?”

He snorted, “No. Not that.” He moved and dug in his pocket before handing her a small dark blue velvet box. She felt her heart in her throat. “Yeah...that’s the commitment.”

“Um...a while ago actually. Last summer, I believe.”

She laughed slightly, “That was why you asked me what my ring size was.”

He laughed as well, “Yeah, I expected you to catch on.”

“But...that was before we talked about marriage.” She looked at him, “That was why you asked me, wasn’t it?”

He shrugged, “I realized that I would rather have a possible answer than make you uncomfortable.”

She smiled and for some reason, she leaned over to him and kissed his lips softly. “Why don’t you ask me now.”

“What?”

He smiled, “Y/F/N, will you marry me?”

She smiled, “Yes.” She kissed him again, “Y’know, I would have said yes if you had asked me at Christmas.”

“Really?”

Now it was his turn to brush hair from her face, “So we could have avoided these past few months if I had just looked at the handbook for a loophole?”

She nodded, “Yep. But that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

He laughed, “Good.”

She closed the box and handed it back to him, “Hold onto it for me until we head back to DC.”

He took it and placed it back in his pocket, “I love you, you know that right?”

“I questioned it for a while, but yes, now I do.”

He laughed, “Good.”

They were silent for a few minutes until she looked him dead in the eye, “Can you promise me one thing, Leon?”

“What is it?”

“Never let me go, please? Promise me if you ever start to get insecure with anything in our relationship that you will tell me and we work on it.”

He smiled and kissed the top of her hand, “I promise.”

She smiled, “Good.”

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whiskeyswifty · 3 years

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my thing about ATW10 is really that the original is the ideal taylor as songwriter for me. taylor playing with structure and writing confessionally and then sitting down with an editor to carve the diamond out of the rough. so the entire concept of the long version is interesting to me in that i like seeing where she starts and where she ends up, but it's not and cannot be better than the original. it's weighed down by too much exposition, and meandering thoughts, and there are some lines weaker than others, and those weak lines weaken the whole thing. ATW is trimmed down so that every line packs a punch and the pacing is just right. it's a perfect song. so much of my gripes the past few years have been over her eschewing an editor of any kind, one that cuts down and reworks lyrics or cuts down songs from albums to make a more cohesive unit. she's a great writer, nobody can deny that, but every great writer needs some form of an editor. take jack for example. while i don't always love jack's songs the most, and his instrumentation can get repetitive, from what we've seen in bts videos and heard from her, she collaborates with him quite openly and they bounce lyrics off of each other and it shows! cruel summer, getaway car, etc. those songs are tight, crisp little pop songs that have that polish, and it's that way with anyone she lets sharpen her songs a bit. this isn't about her not being good enough on her own either. no chef cooks every meal in a restaurant and no director sits all alone on set with just a camera and a light. there is no shame in having an editor; it's crucial to any written medium. the writer is too close to their material and thinks everything on the page important and great. the editor can take a step back and trim the fat or kill her darlings, whatever you want to call it, and polish something great into something amazing.

#i do like it and listen to it casually #but by the end of it i'm so exhausted and bored #it was cut down for a rEASON #and idc which lyrics are new and original cuz all of them are dead weight #every single non swiftie i talk to who has texted me or my gf or friends about this has said the og ATW was perfect #and that's the beauty of the editor!#they take a song that is just for a niche group and polish it into something that's so excellent it's not just a good taylor swift song #its a good SONG #that nobody can deny #do i think every song needs an editor?? no #but i think she makes better work when she's collaborating with people openly #just having people around her who she lets change a word here or suggest something there #creative people produce their best work when they have an open and collaborative environment that pushes them!!!#like folklore was a completely open collaboration free of pressure #and look at that it's fucking incredible

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loquaciousferret · 4 years

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“We’re not really strangers.”

Summary: George gets emotional because its sadboy hours, and starts to feel insecure about his and Dream’s friendship and his own secret feelings for Dream. Dream comforts him in a very soppy and fluffy phone call.

Dream’s dialogue turns full Taylor Swift at one point but idc I have no shame.

Pairing: Dream x Georgenotfound (Dreamnotfound / DNF)

Content Warnings: None applicable, SFW

Word Count: 2109

A/N: This is my first piece of writing so I’m pretty nervous! If you like it please interact or message me to let me know. I’d love to take requests also! Thanks so much for reading :) -LF

The cool liquid ran down George’s throat as he sunk the rest of the can of Red Bull. Despite the length of time he had spent living on Florida time, his internal clock had never fully shifted. Coffee and energy drinks were essential at this time of night.

He was busy editing a video, but was in a voice-chat with the others to pass the time. They were messing around in-game, chasing each other and fighting and bouncing around video ideas. They were laughing and joking and George had tuned them out, trying to focus on his editing. This was the most time consuming and boring stage, the rough cut from 3 hours worth of footage from his and Dream’s latest challenge. First he had to remove all the times they died within minutes of starting, then all the boring portions of mining and resource gathering... then, all the pieces of conversation they didn’t want to publish. Usually, when they all played together as a group, they managed to keep the chat appropriate and casual enough that very few sections had to be cut, however, whenever George and Dream played privately, there were many more instances of them taking it too far.

“George?”

“George!” Sapnap and Dream both called his name and he realised he must have zoned out.

“What?” George responded.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?” Dream asked.

“Wh- Um-“ He had missed something important. “Tell it to me again, sorry, I got lost.”

Dream sighs and Sapnap laughs triumphantly, “See, I told you he wasn’t listening.”

“Yeah, you were right.” Dream agrees, and launches back into an explanation of a video idea he had.

Dream and Sapnap continue to play around for a while and George’s progress with his editing was slow. He wasn’t feeling very talkative tonight, only chipping in when the boys addressed him directly. He noticed he didn’t feel like himself but couldn’t snap out of it.

The three fell into silence. It wasn’t unusual. When you played together and call for as long as they did, as often as they did, sometimes no words were needed.

The quiet aided George’s concentration and he managed to progress faster with his video. He finished the rough cut and still had 50 minutes of footage to fine-tune, but the hardest part was over and he felt he had been productive. It was then that Sapnap’s voice cut through the silence, announcing “Guys, I’m starving. I have to go. Someone text me and remind me what time we’re starting tomorrow because if you don’t then I’ll definitely forget. And I will definitely still be asleep.”

“You’re so lazy.” Dream teases, “You sleep like a teenager.”

“Oh well sorry, Mr. Dream! You are just so mature and better than all of us.”

“I’m very mature.” Dream’s laugh was practically a giggle.

“You eat chocolate cereal for every meal and you don’t even drink water you live off soda. You’re literally like a child fending for himself.” Sapnap retorted.

“You’re so rude.” Dream laughs again.

“Whatever. OK, I’m actually leaving now. Bye.”

“Bye Sappynappy.” Dream says in a sing-song voice.

“Bye, mate, see you.” George chimes in, but Sapnap had already disconnected.

“And then there were two...” Dream said menacingly.

George laughed in response.

“You’re so stupid.” He grumbled.

“No I’m not.” Dream argued. “I’m smarter than you.”

“What? That’s mean. I wasn’t talking about intelligence. It-“

“Oh alright,” Dream laughed softly. “Don’t cry about it.”

“I’m not crying.”

“Sounds like it.”

“Shut up. I’ll just leave if you’re gonna tease me because I have work to do and-“

“You don’t like to be teased, George?” Dream said lowly.

“You’re gross.” George screws his face up. “That’s not even funny. You’re just weird.”

Dream sighs.

“Do you wanna play with me?” He says after a moment. “I can help you with your video later, or tomorrow, whenever. If you just want to play for now.”

“Yes!” George replies eagerly, “I mean,” He clears his throat. “I mean, whatever. If you want.”

“Ok.” Dream laughs.

They lose track of time. By the time the neon glow of his alarm clock catches George’s attention, the display reads 3:14am.

“I’m exhausted. It’s 3am here, Dream.”

“But you’re on Florida time.” Dream responds, his voice thick with meaning George can’t detect.

“Well, I know, but not tonight, sorry. I’m just really tired. I’m just...” George trails off with a sigh. He had been distracted whilst playing with Dream, but the feeling from earlier was back.

“But I don’t want you to leave.”

There it was. Dream’s words cut through the cloudiness in George’s head. But then, George realised, that Dream didn’t mean it like that. He was just bored and wanted someone to talk to. That’s not what George wanted it to be like.

“Sorry, Dream, but I-“

“No,” He interrupts. “Please. Please stay. Just a little while longer.”

George sighs. He glances at the clock again. 3:17. His response doesn’t surprise himself, though, when he blurts out, “Yes.”

“Good.” Dream’s voice is almost a whisper.

George stretches and sighs. “Not for long though. Seriously.”

“I know, I know.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Nothing. Talk. I’m bored of the game.”

“Fine, then I’ll turn off my computer. It’s keeping me awake.”

“But I want you awake.”

“Then, you’ll have to entertain me.”

Dream chuckles. “Fine. Turn off your computer. Just call me on your phone instead.”

George disconnects immediately. He puts his head in his hands and sighs. His stomach turns. It’s nerves. He feels stupid. There should be nothing nerve-racking about talking to your own best friend. They do it almost every night. He shuts down his computer and stands up, tucks his chair under the desk. He crosses the short hallway to his bedroom and enters it, tosses his phone onto his grey bedsheets. Pulls his shirt off from over his head and drops it to the floor. He crosses to his bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror. He grips the sink. His knuckles turn white.

“Shit.” He whispers to himself, and looks away. His mind races. Dream’s voice rings in his ears. He’s never felt like this about anyone. It’s only been a matter of weeks since he came to terms with it, but it still shocked him every time he remembered. He was in love with his best friend.

His stomach somersaults again as he says the words in his head. Maybe love is dramatic. But he can’t think of anything else to describe it. He thinks about Dream like, all the time. Every waking or sleeping thought revolves around him. It’s obsessive. George could never admit these feelings to anyone. It hurt to even admit them to himself.

He turns the tap on roughly, pushing it to the cold side. He cups his hands and splashes his face, simultaneously trying to clear his mind and wake himself up.

He hears his phone vibrate from through the bedroom door. He knows it’s Dream. He doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Switching the tap off again, George leaves the room. He kicks off his sweatpants and takes a clean shirt from his wardrobe to sleep in.

His phone vibrates again and he nearly smiles. It feels good. To be desired. Even if it’s not quite in the way he wishes.

He flops into bed and picks up the phone.

4 Messages from: Dream 🦎💚🐢🥦🌵

Dream 🦎💚🐢🥦🌵 3:25am: ok call me now 3:25am: georgieeeeeee 3:27am: george call me im bored 3:28am: bored!! waiting!! calllll meee!!

George breathed a laugh and replied

3:30am: Needy.

Those three dots appeared, giving away Dream’s movements. Typing... But then they disappeared, and the screen flashed.

Incoming Facetime Audio... from: Dream 🦎💚🐢🥦🌵

George let it ring a few times before answering.

“I literally know you had your phone in your hand and you didn’t answer right away because you’re playing hard to get.” Dream spoke quickly, laughing.

“You’re psychotic.” George replied, rolling his eyes. Inside, he was embarrassed that Dream found him so predictable.

And then they talked. The conversation flowed. How exactly, they never run out of things to talk about, when they call every day, most days, was an utter mystery.

And then they talked more. And the conversation moved away from the frivolous. Dream’s voice purred down the line to George and coaxed him into getting serious.

“Sometimes, Dream, I just feel like-“ George let out a frustrated sigh. “I feel like- Ugh. It’s like I don’t even know you. Yes, we talk, all the time, but- I can’t explain it. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, George.” Dream responded in a low voice. “I’m listening.”

“Well, you know, it’s the little things. I don’t really know what you like to eat or drink. I don’t even know what you like to do, when we aren’t working or playing together for fun. When we aren’t texting or we aren’t in a call there’s just so much distance. You could be anywhere, doing anything, and I would never know.”

“What?” Dream had to hold back a chuckle at the other’s words. “What are you talking about. Are you jealous of what I’m doing when I’m not with you.”

“No I’m not-“ George groaned again. “I’m not jealous. Well- maybe I am, but I...” He trailed off and the pair fell into a few moments of science, the only sounds audible were Dream’s calm breaths, and George’s frustrated, shallow ones.

George breaks the silence again, desperately trying to explain himself. “I just mean, Dream, there’s all this distance. And no matter how often we text and call and whatever, we just exist in our own separate worlds. The window we have into each other’s lives is so small. We don’t really know each other.”

George hears Dream’s breathing catch, and feels a pang of hurt. Maybe his choice of words had been harsh, but he could never find himself able to express himself properly to Dream. He felt self-conscious, and most importantly, was scared of saying too much.

And so, this time, the silence isn’t comfortable. Dream should have had a quick remark, a joke of some kind. Anything. His lack of response is awkward. Eventually, he responds.

“But George, you’re my best friend. So why should the distance matter. There are couples who are long distance and everything. We can be best friends without being close to each other. The distance doesn’t matter.” Dream says.

“But-“ George can’t explain himself. His thoughts race. “But, Dream. That’s not what I mean. I know there’s miles but that’s not the distance I mean. I mean that the only place we’re together... it’s not real. We only exist in this fake place online. If we passed, on the street, Dream, we’d be strangers. We’re strangers.” George’s voice cracks. His sentence trails off into a whisper. He repeats himself. “We’re strangers, Dream.”

He doesn’t respond.

“Dream?” George says softly.

Nothing.

“I didn’t mean t-“

“George.” Dream interrupts calmly. “Am I not the last person you talk to before you go to sleep? The first, in the morning?”

“Yes.” George admits.

“Don’t I know that you like to sleep on the left side of the bed? Don’t I know you’re tired, from the way your voice changes? Don’t you know exactly how to calm me down when we’re working and I get angry when nothing is going right? I know all about your past, even the bad parts you never wanted to share. And you know the same about me. We know each others ambitions, motivations. We push each other to work hard for what we want, and we’re there for each other. Don’t I tell you about my dreams? Don’t we always share music, and listen at the same time, and it feels like we’re together.”

George can almost feel tears prickling his eyes. It was late, the neon glow of his alarm clock showing it was now after 4am.

“George? Isn’t all that true?” Dream’s voice was soft, deep and crackling through the voicechat connection.

“Yes.” George gasped, and a tear escaped.

“Then,” Dream’s speaks slowly, “Then how could we ever be strangers, Georgie?”

He is quiet for only a moment before concluding, voice barely a whisper, “We’re not really strangers.”

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