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writingthingsisdifficult · 3 years

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Good intentions

Bucky Barnes x reader

Had to divide the story into four parts, and I’m working as fast as I can to finish the rest.

Please don’t hesitate to tell me what you think :) Especially if you like it.

Everybody's alive.

When Natasha catches your reaction to seeing a soaking wet Bucky coming in from the rain, your life becomes unbearable. Nat considers herself a decent matchmaker, but what happens when both her subjects are resisting her attempts?

***

Part 1: Matchmaker

Word count: 4412

It had been raining for weeks. Racing streaks down the glass. Soft drumming against the umbrella. Big, fat drops of water splashing against the pavement, sending shivers through my body whenever they hit my skin. Two in rapid succession on my neck – don't know how, though, my coat collar was pulled up as high as it could go, and my umbrella was larger than average. Then one straight into my ear, which made me squeak in disgust. This had to be an omen.

I shook my umbrella before stepping through the door. No need to be a savage, though from the look of it, I was the only one who cared. A quick nod good morning to Nesta in the reception while making a mental note to call down the cleaning crew. The state of the floor was appalling. Mud and dirt and water – apparently not everyone remembered to wipe their feet before entering the building. And umbrellas all along the wall, dripping on the tiles, creating puddles so large a toddler would happily jump in them.

A long sigh escaped. Time for a stern talk with Nesta again. This was supposed to be a good first impression, not an impression of someone's mudroom. My stomach twisted, this was just the latest in a long string of minor complaints. If she didn't improve soon, I would have to make a note in her file and I hated being strict. Still, it was a part of my job, just like running errands before eight in the morning and longing for the coffee I left in my office. I didn't have to like it.

The elevator pinged. “Hey, Y/N.” Natasha walked out with a smile on her face. Her hair was red again, like flames cascading over her shoulders. Damn, that woman really could carry any hair colour. I nodded and smiled back. “Good morning, Agent Romanov. You're in early. What can I do for you? Love your hair, by the way."

"Thanks. I was wondering if you could help me with something."

I shook off my coat and adjusted the bag on my shoulder. "Of course. What do you need? Let me just –""

The door blew open, banging into the doorstopper before closing behind a sopping wet figure and an umbrella that definitely had seen better days. "Good morning, Y/N. Hey, Nat. Have you seen Clint?" Bucky shook himself, sending a glittering spray of water everywhere.

"No, but check the roof."

The air was knocked straight out of me. I couldn't stop the tiny squeak that tumbled over my lips. The way his hair stuck to his face did things to me, not to mention how the water glistened on his metal arm. I hadn't felt heat on my face like that since I was seventeen and spilled juice all over my shirt in front of my neighbour Todd.

Swallowing the rest of the rude noises hovering in my throat, I forced a smile and nodded to the elevator. "Saw him by the coffee machine on the third floor earlier, Sargent Barnes." My voice was breathier that usual, and I cursed the weather for calling me out like that, while simultaneously praying to any deities listening that nobody noticed.

"Thanks." He marched to the elevator with a pace that would divide a crowd of people without a word.

Natasha looked between Bucky and me, a devilish smile spreading on her face. Once he was out of earshot, she bumped me with her elbow. “So, Bucky, huh?”

The heat crept up my ears and settled in my temples. Surely I was no more than two seconds from combusting? “What? I don’t… no, I mean –" I drew a big breath and steeled my face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, what was it you needed my help with?”

Her eyes locked on mine. "Never mind that… You're a terrible liar."

A good point. I let out a small wheeze and scrunched my eyes shut. "Fine! Yes, Sargent Barnes is a tall drink of water. Is that what you want me to say? Well, yeah, okay. Maybe I do have a thing for him." The defeat was inevitable. Already my intestines were squirming. Nothing good could come from this.

Natasha looked like it was Christmas and her birthday all at once. "I knew it!"

I shrugged, ignoring the rising chill in my chest. How to best deescalate this before it got out of hand? "Well, you are a superspy after all. But please, PLEASE, don't say anything to him. I like my job. Besides, he's a fucking superhero. I'm just… me."

"Just you?" She shook her head lightly and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I mean, come on! Look at me!" Holding my arms out, I swayed from side to side. I never liked to draw attention to my body, but apparently she needed the extra visual.

Natasha arched her eyebrow. "I am looking."

She was good, but I couldn't to give up that easily. "Yes, and then you clearly see that I'm ordinary. People like him don't fall for people like me. He's too perfect for that."

"Perf… perfect?" She snorted. "Y/N, Bucky's a mess. He's basically a cucumber with anxiety. Damn, you really have it bad if –"

"I know he has issues. You all do. I'm the one booking everybody's therapy sessions, remember? I'm not talking about his trauma. I'm talking about the fact that he's sweet as a marshmallow and his smile could power a small European country if Stark only found a way to harness its brilliance –"

"And the fact that he's got those broad shoulders and could probably lift and throw a bus if he wanted…"

"And that," I nodded, rubbing the back of my neck to stop that annoying heat from spreading even more. That was a delicious picture, alright. "But I'm nothing special."

"Y/N, sweetie, what are you talking about? You know everything, who's supposed to be where, what we're doing, when we come and go – that's practically a superpower right there. Don't downplay yourself."

The laughter came out dry and humourless. She had to be kidding. Being organised and good at puzzles wasn't exactly rocket science. And besides, I didn't even have a good memory. Without my trusty calendar and phone I'd be running around like Hei-Hei.

"Appreciate your confidence in me, but I don't think so, Nat," I countered and repeated: "Please don't tell him."

She sighed. "I won't."

I tilted my head and put on my best mom-voice. "Promise me."

Her shoulders slumped forward, and she lifted her hand in the air. "I promise I will never tell James Buchanan Barnes about your crush." There was a small pause. "Partypooper!"

"Who's a partypooper?"

I yelped and spun around, looking into Tony's smiling face. "Oh my god, Tony, I mean, Mr Stark." Why did he have to be so stealthy? A big, flashy guy like him ought to be required to announce his arrival with trumpets and drums. Through my galloping heartbeats I noted the glasses were new though, and wondered what kind of new tech they really were. They suited him.

He smirked. “Not the first time a lady has said that to me. But you didn’t answer my question.”

Exhaling, I closed my eyes, just barely resisting the urge to pinch my nose – or maybe kick him in the shin as a diversion. This was going to hell with the express train. “No one. No one's a partypooper.”

“Really?” He turned to Natasha. “Nat?”

I shook my head vigorously, bringing forth all malice I had to my eyes, which I have been told is substantial.

"Y/N has a crush and –"

"Ooh, is it me?" He winked and wiggled his eyebrows.

That made me laugh. "What? Oh, god no." Then I immediately felt bad for my reaction.

"Okay, a little bit insulted, but whatever…"

"She won't let me tell Bucky that she's in love with him," Natasha continued as if she had never been interrupted.

Tony gasped, a look of absolute delight in his eyes.

It was as if the ground disappeared beneath me. A rush of adrenaline almost knocked me off my feet. "Natasha! You promised."

She shrugged and pointed at Tony. "I promised not to tell Bucky. Last I checked, that is not him."

This time I did pinch the bridge of my nose and exhaled deeply, then groaned silently. “Nat!” Even I could hear the desperation in my voice. “Sargent Barnes is a friend. Well, uh, a colleague. Of sorts. I do not -“

“So you didn’t just squeak and burst into flames when he came through that door, huh?” She pointed to the glass door with a grin on her face.

Yeah, this was definitely a torture-the-handler day. Though Natasha was right about my crush, of course, and I wasn't even sure it was just a crush anymore; it had lasted for far too long to be called a crush, I had to keep a professional relationship with all of them.

Truth be told I had had a crush on Bucky since the day we were introduced, but I remembered the exact moment I had fallen in love: it was a chilly spring evening about a year ago. The team had decided to go out to eat, Wanda had discovered a new restaurant downtown, and the food supposedly was to die for. I couldn’t remember what I ate, or if I even liked it, but I remembered the knitted cardigan Bucky wore, the one with the colourful pattern on it. It looked really soft, and I found myself longing to touch it. That wasn’t the moment, though. The exact moment that made me go “Oh shit!” was when I cracked some stupid dad joke, and Bucky unleashed his full laughter on me. Who knew that "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera," would be my doom? But the sound had stunned me, made me lose my voice for several minutes. If someone had opened my skull at that moment, the only thing they would have found was an empty space and a dial tone - my brain frantically trying to reconnect with my body. If I concentrated I could still hear the ringing in my ears.

I avoided him for a week afterwards - well, tried and failed; my work meant contact with the entire Avengers team at all times - but the mental distance hurt too much to keep up with it. Since then, I allowed the realisation to wash over me, causing me both joy and suffering. And I thought I hid it well. Not well enough, apparently, since Natasha sniffed it out. I resisted the urge to close my eyes and sigh again. However, I couldn’t stop my intestines from curling into a tight ball. She had brought Tony into this after all.

Tony’s eyes shone. It had been a long time since any drama unfurled in the compound. He was practically starved, and this… This was delicious.

Looking between them, I knew this wouldn't end well. "You know what? I'm gonna go set up the briefing. Room 705. Thirty minutes. Don't be late." Fishing the phone out of my pocket, I sent a group text to everyone with time and location. In afterthought the wording in the text might have been a tad too harsh, threatening bodily harm if they were late, but the start of the day warranted some sort of reaction leaking from my brain. I locked eyes with Natasha. "Not. A. Word!"

She nodded, but the grin never left her face.

Tony watched me frantically push the elevator button, and I caught him whispering, not knowing I could still hear him. Or maybe he didn't care. "So what's your plan?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you have a plan? You're the resident match-maker here, aren't you?"

Nastasha let out a small laugh. "Do you know why she refuses to do anything about it?"

Tony nodded. “Because she’s professional and a bit afraid for what the people at the top are going to say?”

“No. Well, probably that too, but she thinks Bucky is way out of her league. Something about him being a superhero.” She snorted.

“What?” Tony let out a barking laugh. “Why? Bucky’s like the most timid ex-assassin you can find. I mean, he’s basically a cup of soft serve covered in salt and liquorice."

“I know. We gotta get them together. So, uh, are you in?”

“Uh, yeah! What’s your plan?”

The room finally sealed itself around me and I heard nothing else than the back of my head banging against the mirror wall and F.R.I.D.A.Y. cheerfully announcing what floor I was going to.

Half an hour later I had to step out for a bit to fetch a new cable to the projector, and when I got back, almost everyone were seated. My chest hollowed when I spotted Tony and Natasha sitting together, looking very conspiring indeed.

The urge to either run from the room or break them up rose in my throat, but instead I pulled up a chair next to Sam and focused on my breathing. He was one of the most calming people on the team, and I shamelessly used him as a shield.

Other than the small scare in the beginning, the morning briefing went without hitch. Agent Hill presented the upcoming missions, and I marked my calendar accordingly. Apparently SHIELD had detected a new terrorist group forming in northern Europe, and needed eyes.

Natasha was a given, she could go undetected for longer periods of time, and could take care of herself if necessary. Of course, Clint would come with her. They were an amazing team together, and he would probably go anyway, even if he was assigned to another task. It was better just to let him.

Steve and Sam would step in if it came to that, but would have to keep under the radar until they were needed. Bucky would travel to Europe with the others, but I knew he would set off alone the minute they touched ground in Stockholm. He worked best alone, or so he claimed, and anyway it would be an advantage to spread out. Still, I made a note on my pad to make sure he had everything he needed, and then some. Who knew where his road might lead him.

Bruce and Tony would work together to develop a better algorithm for the surveillance. So far, the terrorist group had evaded SHIELD's best efforts to pin them down. I was actually surprised to learn they didn't even know their name, which made me suspect something big was coming.

The rest of the team was assigned to other, smaller missions, scattered across the States. That way they could easily be reassigned if the situation escalated in Europe.

During the meeting, I kept an extra eye on Natasha and Tony. They sat next to each other, and though I thought I saw them passing notes a couple of times, I didn't want to bring any attention to it. The rest of the group looked oblivious. A sigh of relief escaped me, and Natasha looked up. She nodded imperceptibly towards Bucky, who sat with a bored look on his face and a discarded towel by his feet.

I narrowed my eyes and shook my head, trying my best to stop my ears from buzzing. Suddenly aware of every molecule in the air and trying desperately to ignore the intense weight, I focused all my attention back on Agent Hill’s presentation. Still, Bucky’s presence lingered in the back of my head, and together with the imminent threat from Natasha and Tony, I felt like I was sitting on explosives.

When Maria finally closed her laptop and turned to Director Fury, everybody got up, chatting as if the meeting had been a regular parent-teacher meeting and not a brief on a possible terrorist organisation on the rise.

“Can you believe that people will do things like this?” an agent asked as we all filed out of the room.

“Well, faith is a strong persuader,” I replied with a shrug. “Some are willing to go far for what they believe in.”

“Yeah, but they’re wrong,” the agent continued.

“They’d probably say the same about us,” Sam said, and I nodded.

“There are always two sides to the coin. If not more.”

“But -“

“And then it’s up to us to figure out what to do. We have to look at the big picture. Not everyone is capable of that.” Sam tilted his head with a look of disappointment in his eyes.

The agent huffed and hurried off with a look on his face that either said that he was constipated, or that being schooled by a member of the Avengers was too much for a Wednesday morning.

“Not sure he saw the big picture, Sam.” I shook my head and smiled.

“Don’t think he could. Better hope he doesn’t get promoted soon.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. He’ll be on desk duty for years still. And I guess you have a little desk duty yourself right now?”

“Well, actually… I was hoping you could do me a favour.”

Uh-oh. That sounded ominous. “Of course. What can I do, what do you need?” My voice rose to mimic the retail job I had before I got lucky enough to join SHIELD's training and ultimately land my dream job.

Sam grimaced. "I gotta go to Louisiana. Just a short trip, couple of days maybe."

"Shit, don't think Director Fury would be too happy about that right now, not to mention the rest of upstairs. You're supposed to be on silent duty until you leave for Sweden."

"Yeah, I know that, it's just… Cass and AJ has been asking me to come visit. And Sarah's getting sick of their nagging. Also, I sorta promised on the phone yesterday. Didn't know there would be a world crisis today."

Smiling softly, I hid the urge to smack my face into the wall. This was going to take a lot of explaining and string-pulling. He was supposed to go no-contact for the duration of the mission, but I hated disappointing the boys. And Sarah was a good woman. She didn't deserve being let down, even though it technically wasn't Sam's fault this time.

"Sam, you're such a softie," I said after some consideration. "Go. I'll figure something out. Just be back before the weekend, okay? And –"

"Yeah yeah, and I'll come in at once if the situation escalates before we're scheduled to head out."

I gave him a crooked smile to disguise the trouble he had just handed me. "Sure. But I was gonna say bring back some of that pecan pie. I've been dreaming about that since last summer."

Sam let out a loud laugh and kissed the top of my head, melting my nervous soul to a gooey puddle. "You're the best. Thanks."

"Fly safe."

"I always do."

"Really now?"

"Oh so that's how it is, huh?"

"That's how it is. Say 'hi' to Sarah for me."

With a short wave, he took off down the corridor, leaving me quietly screaming and already doing the mental gymnastics to find a solution.

***

Departure time was in two days. Everyone was on edge, trying their best to prepare for any eventualities, both inconceivable and expected. After a short meeting with the departure crew to share the last pieces of intel, I felt empty and tired. Missions always affected me more than they should. These people were my friends; if anything were to happen to them, my world would collapse.

Apparently I wasn't the only one feeling a bit drained. No one was in a hurry to leave, and the conversation was hushed and weary.

"You know what we need?" Tony said loudly, slicing through the silence and winking to Natasha. He thought I wouldn't notice, but I did, and the suspicion grew in my chest. What now?

"Pizza!" they said in unison. "We should gather everyone, before we all go."

Tony nudged my arm. "My treat. What do you say?"

Narrowing my eyes, I tilted my head. "…sure."

"Oh, don't be like that. We all need good pizza. Especially today, what with all this rain. Hey, F.R.I.D.A.Y., you know that pizza bakery up the street, the one with the chicken one. Order pizza for everyone. Remember the one with pear, brie, and white sauce. Have it delivered to the lounge."

That did it for me. If he ordered my favourite, I'd be damn sure to eat my part. "When?"

"Uh…" He looked at his watch. "Noon. I'll send out a ping. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks. I do have a ton of things to do to make sure you guys don't die on this trip." I tried to keep it light, but now that the thought had settled in my mind, I had to fight off the tears. It was a miracle I managed to keep the tremble from my voice.

An hour later I tripped over the doorstep to the lounge, surprised to see it was empty except for Tony and Natasha and a huge stack of pizzas. "Where is everybody?" The door clicked behind me, sealing the silence in.

Natasha shrugged. "Late?"

At that moment the door opened again and Bucky sauntered in with a mischievous smile on his face. "Gimme the pizza and nobody gets hurt."

"Jeez, Buck. Remember your manners. There are ladies present." Tony grinned, but opened the top box and helped himself to a slice.

Bucky snickered and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, Y/N," he said with an over-the-top flourish. "I hope you can forgive my insolence." He gestured towards the pizzas. "Ladies first."

My heart did a somersault, but I managed to keep it cool on the outside. "Insolence forgiven," I replied, swallowing a hiccough that lodged itself in my throat, before taking a plate and sifting through the boxes until I found the right one. Loading my plate, I sat down, sinking into the soft cushions. Only thing missing now was some candles and a drink, and I'd be set for the day.

Natasha gave Tony a pointed look. Two minutes later he picked up his phone and half jogged out the door. That was odd. Tony never jogged.

I looked between Natasha and the door, the pizza forgotten halfway between the plate and my mouth. She looked anywhere but at me, but was saved from a confrontation by her phone ringing. "Gotta take this," she muttered. "Can't prepare enough for the trip." She smiled apologetically and left the room. That was a lie, of course. She had full control; all intel was already read and destroyed. And if something new had come up, I would have been notified too.

Suddenly the plate felt heavy in my hand. Maybe it was naïve, but I had expected Natasha and Tony to respect my wishes; after all I had made it absolutely clear that they should leave it, hadn't I? Their amusement and entertainment wasn't worth being an inconvenience to Bucky.

"What's going on?" Bucky asked when the door clicked behind Natasha.

"I… I don't know," I lied haltingly.

Bucky shrugged. "Oh well. Might as well catch up on some paperwork before the flight too. See you later." With one slice between his teeth and another in his hand, he left the room with a friendly wave.

"Sure. See you." I spoke to his back; the glass door had already closed behind him. The lump in my throat grew. Even though Tony had ordered my favourite pizza, I no longer had any appetite. My mouth was dry, and it was a struggle to swallow. In a fit of frustration, I kicked the table, smacking my toe in the process. The pizza slice slid from the plate and landed on my thigh. "Fuck!"

"Ooh, pizza!"

I spun in my seat. Steve had just arrived, and that made me feel a little bit better at least. He was always a laugh.

"Where is everybody?" He looked around and spotted my moping figure, holding an equally sad slice of pizza. "You okay?"

"I guess," I replied, trying to smile and failing miserably. "Everybody else left. The mission, yeah?"

"Right. I thought everything was planned and okayed."

I couldn't bring myself to fill him in on the situation. If he didn't already know, it was nice to have someone neutral by my side. "Yeah, I don't know."

Their scheme was becoming clear; making Bucky spend time with me alone. But it was a failure. Even he thought it was awkward, and he obviously didn't want to be alone with me. Not that I blamed him. If I was him, I'd do the same.

I glanced at my watch. 12.30. Just then Sam, Bruce, Wanda, and Vision spilled into the room, heading towards the pizza like a herd of hungry goats. Slowly my appetite returned too, and half an hour later the blow to my heart was a painful memory pushed to the back of my mind by excellent pizza and wonderful friends.

Later that day I ran into Tony on the way to the garage. He tried to slip past me, but had to stop when I blocked the door, arms crossed over my chest and puffing myself up as much as I could. "Seriously, Tony! What did you expect to happen, huh? That I'd just throw myself in his arms because we were alone? Because newsflash: I've got both self-control and decency. Do you really think I've never been alone with him before?"

At least he had the decency to look thoroughly chastised, and he mumbled something inaudible I thought maybe sounded like an apology.

No way he was getting away with a tiny one. "What was that? I couldn't quite hear you."

"It was Nat's idea," he said, trying a smirk that didn't work at all.

"I very much doubt that," I replied, dragging a hand over my eyes. "Do I have to call Pepper? I didn't think so," I added when he shook his head. "Do better! Now excuse me. I have a lot of work to do to ensure you actually don't die on this mission." With a final, exaggerated frown, I turned and marched out of the room, ignoring the samba in my chest.

Part 2: Eel infested waters

#bucky barnes x reader #marvel fanfic #good intentions #bucky barnes #marvel #mcu

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peridotbelle · 2 years

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Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness… Thoughts

Arranged loosely by topic.

Full spoilers below the cut

The Illuminati

REED.

RICHARDS.

FINALLY!!!!  FANTASTIC FOUR!!! Kermit flail Had I been alone I would’ve shrieked out loud. As it was, I settled for an internal AHHHHHH!!! (And everybody’s fan-cast dreams came true! Loved it.)

Blackbolt’s presence meaning that the Inhumans show is still acknowledged as a thing… Ehhh… Do we have to?

Captain Carter. That’s our girl! (Giving her the ‘I can do this all day’ line… chef’s kiss) Love that she got to wield the shield in live action. (Before, you know, being BRUTALLY MURDERED along with the rest of them…)

Nice to see Maria as Captain Marvel. She had more personality than Carol anyway, though unfortunately we don’t get any of that here.

Professor X! Gotta love it. Nice touch with the animated series theme music. Except his presence makes all the council’s arrogant dilly-dallying and ignoring Stephen because ‘we don’t know if we can trust you!’ supremely pointless. He could have literally just read his mind while Stephen was unconscious in the containment cell and given the okay and they would have been on their way before Wanda ever got around to possessing herself. And speaking of…

Wanda…

Poor Wanda. They did her dirty in this one. When they said she was going to be the villain here, I was thinking that she was going to be more like a fake/secondary villain, and that Stephen would save her from the Darkhold’s influence and they would team up to defeat the actual evil pulling the strings… Not this. She did not deserve that fate. I know it’s the Evil Book of Evil talking, that she’s being influenced and possessed by dark forces, but… I thought the whole point of WandaVision was her collective trauma finally catching up to her, making her act out of grief and pain, and yes act wrongly, but in the end she’s still a good person, she’s an Avenger, and she does the right thing. It seems like this movie just ignores all of the catharsis in that last episode, sacrifices all her growth just because she (admittedly) makes a really good, scary villain.( And interesting that the movie introduces the double standard of ‘you break the rules and get to be a hero, I do it and I’m a villain’ and then proceeds to double down on that by making her just that. Felt weird.)

Also, the total absence of Vision (save a couple of mentions) was odd. Is she a single mom in all of these other abundant realities? (And is 616 really the only one where she doesn’t have kids? That seems odd too, an all too ‘kick the dog’ twist of probability.) Maybe it was simpler just to focus on the kids, but I feel like he should have been there in some capacity (though he likely would have been able to reach her/talk her down when no one else could and then the movie would have been way shorter, so that may be another reason why).

(And the big question: if she has the kids in apparently every other reality (presumably through magic), why can't she just magic them up again here, independent of any larger town-enslaving Hex? Why does she need to steal them from another universe?)

Others have pointed out that the ‘no body, no death’ rule is in play here, so some of my initial feelings of the MCU callously villainizing and then disposing of Wanda (again, an AVENGER) may not actually be based in truth. And I hope so, because doing that made no sense at all. Especially when white Vision is still out there somewhere. Why have him be around and then kill off Wanda? Nope.

But good on ya, girl, for destroying all the Darkholds everywhere. That was nice work, very thorough, much appreciated.

(The poor 838 Wanda though. She’s gonna need 10,000 years of therapy, and what kind of other consequences is she going to face?)

The Book of MacGuffin Vishanti

I get the quest for this book was just a macguffin, but boy was that a let down. If the Darkhold is the Evil Book of Evil and the Book of Vishanti is supposed to be the opposite, the embodiment of good, then it should be more powerful than the Darkhold (my preference), or, if you’re coming at it from a perspective of good and evil in pure balance as cosmic forces, then it should at least be AS powerful, and the Darkhold shouldn’t be able to destroy it. Maybe Wanda’s power was giving the Darkhold a boost, but still… For the story to still proceed the same way, they could have just had the Book of shanti not work for them because if it gives you what you need, then that’s already set up for it to do nothing b/c they already have what they need to solve the problem: America is right there.

Overall tone/content

I don’t care for horror movies. Like, at all. This did not change that opinion. In all fairness, they were upfront in all the marketing/interviews that this was supposed to be the MCU’s first horror movie and it definitely is. You can tell that they would have made it R rated if box-office/branding would have allowed. While it’s still a Marvel movie w/ action and jokes and moments of fun, it’s super super dark. Way too many demons and spirits and too much dark magic (esp. when used by the good guys as a valid solution to problems) for my taste. (Again, in fairness, they did set up that Stephen’s actions in using the Darkhold will have consequences, but so far all of the Dr. Strange movies have promised “the bill coming due” and then never really delivering.) And like, y’all, I need a new fun, bright and shiny Fantastic Four movie stat just to scrub my brain after seeing all of the Illuminati get killed like that. That was rough. (Blackbolt was particularly horrific.)

The use of the dead Strange as a puppet was well-crafted from a set-up and pay-off story perspective, though, b/c I’d forgotten about him so that was a nicely logical twist.

Place in the MCU

It felt oddly, surprisingly, disconnected from the other films. Was expecting the events of this movie to be the direct fallout from the events of No Way Home, that this would be the culmination of all of Stephen’s actions and failures and arrogance from his first movie on. They touch on that (“you had to be the one holding the knife”/“the biggest threat to the multiverse is Dr. Strange”), but it’s a mild (and unfinished) character arc and not the driver of the plot; instead everything here is set into motion externally by Wanda’s actions completely unrelated to anything in Spider-man. Maybe they’re saving that for the sequel, as Clea seems to promise yet another round of ‘time to face the consequences of your actions’; we’ll see if they actually do it this time. And surprisingly nothing to tie into all the concepts and events from Loki (they still need to clarify if timelines/variants and alternate universes/doubles are the same thing or two separate ideas).

Funny how we got two back-to-back films where Stephen gets to mentor a troubled teen, haha (not that he did that much mentoring towards Peter, but still).

Christine

Glad she got more to do and more of an active role in this one; nice callback with her knowing how to use the cauldron thing that he was clueless about in the first movie. I liked the way they handled his relationship with Christine (all of them). They were able to put that relationship/storyline to bed pretty well. Nicely used symbolism with the watch. And him replacing the broken face at last was so so satisfying.

Other stuff

Wong remains the best. Loved the bow at the end. Man deserves all the respect. And so does that lady that stabbed the Darkhold and sacrificed herself. Can we give her a statue? She really deserves it.

#i have a lot of thoughts #doctor strange #multiverse of madness #multiverse of madness spoilers #doctor strange 2 spoilers #mom spoilers #doctor strange spoilers #stephen strange #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #MCU #marvel #marvel 616 #Vision #the darkhold

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

Text

it’s a fucking metaphor!

Titans 3.08

i’ve finally gathered the mental and emotional resources to do this thing, so let’s go! as always, i’m typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. on watching this opening scene, i was thinking back to how gar was in s1, or even the early bits of s2. the way he idolised the others, particularly dick, and his readiness to go along with whatever they said, and the way he practically bled the need for acceptance. and here he is now, openly defying dick, fully open to and aware of the flaws of the people he loves and admires, knowing he is accepted no matter what and extending that generosity elsewhere. it’s a remarkable bit of character growth that’s... sort of blossomed in the background and so rewarding to see and acknowledge.

1.25. i guess what i really love about this conflict over how to respond to jason--as clumsily as it is sometimes written--is how their histories and individual traumas inform each character’s reaction. dick is torn between his guilt over what’s become of jason and his drive to do what batman had essentially given up on doing: he is motivated to track down red hood at all costs but there’s a sense that he’s not completely sold on the idea that the only way to stop him is to kill him. (he might go the comics route and try to put him in arkham? god, imagine if the season ended with jason in arkham.) kory’s never had much of a connection with jason in the first place, and jason has done one of the worst things he could do in her book: track and kill a member of her newfound family and is threatening to kill more.

and gar... sure. look. the idea of jason and red hood as separate entities appeals to him; that red hood emerged when jason was drugged to the gills by scarecrow and lost his usual inhibitions. gar’s struggled with what he becomes when he’s pushed to his limits, too--he did rip open that experimenting scientist with his teeth way back in 1.07, after all, and he was brainwashed by cadmus in s2 into becoming a literal monster. he needs to think, to know, there’s a dichotomy, a line that can only be crossed under extreme duress or by outside influence.

and he says--and we say--that he was accepted back into the titans in spite of what he’d done, but was he really? gar’s always struggled with his footing in this group; relegated to the caretaker, the tech guy, the gatekeeper, and sometimes punching bag even though everybody’s paying lip service to how much of a family they all are. perhaps gar reaching out to jason and offering acceptance is aspirational on his part: perhaps this is the effort he hoped the titans put/or will put into getting gar back, even when it would seem like he’s too far gone.

1.5. anyway my point is that i don’t think it’s worth discussing this in terms of right/wrong decisions because all of their reactions make a lot of sense given their backgrounds/personalities. gar is doing a fine job here of tracking down jason’s friends and trying to find him that way, but we the audience know that jason is ultimately going to end up an anti-hero/eventually-hero character, so with that knowledge in mind we know that gar’s reaction is the right one. it’s knowledge that the other characters don’t have, so to judge them on it is... uh, unfair.

1.8. also, molly is awesome, yay!

2. dick and barbara flirting over the phone is so cute! i love to see this side of dick: lighter, peppier, willing (even if somewhat reluctantly) to put his mission aside to go out on a date with his girlfriend. and i love how easy this makes his dynamic with kory too: it’s all very domestic and utterly delightful.

(also, re: the water leak in barbara’s office--you’re saying GCPD could afford fancy-schmancy table-wide touch screen computers and evil-lair lighting but needs its frickin’ commissioner to catch leaking water from above her desk with mugs and fishbowls????)

2.2225. this is probably a teeny tiny thing and i’m not sure i want to bring it up at all BUT. the fact that dick feels compelled to lie to barbara about not liking fancy gala food and eating something more substantial before the date? not a terribly great sign, though i wouldn’t call it a red flag per se.

“this from a man who forced his students to eat cauliflower crust pizza...”

3. so.... conner and kom are a Thing. huh.

in theory i really like the idea of them bonding over an innate alien-ness and longing for a place they could really belong. both of them are alien twice-over: conner a mix of kryptonian and human, practically generated in a test tube, and kom being somebody that was born different and rejected by her own people, now stuck on a planet dominated by an entirely different species. i even like them exploring this bond physically. i guess it’s the sense of... uneasiness around what we do and don’t know about kom that makes this scene land slightly left of centre to me. i think titans, especially through s2, has cultivated in its audience a sense of distrust even until the final episode, just in case somebody vital to the season is suddenly revealed to have had ulterior motives (i’m even low-key suspicious of leslie). i really want to see this kom-conner dynamic play out but the anticipation of watching the other shoe drop is sucking out the enjoyment.

4. for fuck’s sake dick, gar’s not your gatekeeper.

TIIIIIIIIMMMMM \O/

4.5. i love this nod to tim’s origins in the comics, the way he just comes in and lays out all his evidence and makes it clear to dick that he needs tim’s help as robin. the fact that he was there at the flying graysons’ last performance, he was obsessed with their acrobatic moves, and was observant enough to connect those moves with that of robin and later nightwing... all of this came together to put him where he is right now.

(i also love how he can’t contain his giddy excitement when talking about the day dick grayson’s parents died... to dick grayson. even if dick weren’t nightwing, that would be a deeply uncomfortable thing! yet tim can’t help himself, and i love him for it.)

4.8. it’s a testament to how much dick’s caught off-guard that he can’t come up with a better response to tim’s allegations other than “uh... he stole my moves! as you know, no two gymnasts in the world are allowed to do the same moves. now, let me escort you out while pretending poorly that i’m not at all shaken by this...”

4.9. i’ve talked about this before, but i find the logic around secret identities in this universe utterly fascinating. the titans don’t make much effort in keeping their identities secret: everybody seems to know that kory is starfire for instance, or that gar is beast boy. dick grayson is seen hanging out with kory a lot, especially at crime scenes. it won’t take a lot of sleuthing to find out that the titans are currently camped out at wayne manor, and to put two and two together.

my theory was that superheroes and villains have become such an integral part of daily society that it’s almost not worth it to seek out their secret identities, or that it’s just not a big deal anymore. like politicians or diplomats, not everybody bothers to look into who exactly their local politician is, but the people who know just... know. it’s a sort of unspoken social contract.

tim’s broken this contract by confronting dick about his identity, and dick’s not ready to deal with it. not entirely.

look at him! *pinches his cheeks*

5. ngl, it was quite satisfying to see jason knock the scarecrow out like that.

5.5. i guess... the question of jason’s culpability is always going to be a thorny one and would make for a great courtroom drama spinoff. there are a number of factors to consider: jason’s personality, the rough circumstances under which he grew up, his undoubtedly stressful transition to being robin, bruce wayne being... well, bruce wayne, never feeling accepted by the titans and having most of them turn on him, being roundly defeated and almost killed by deathstroke, alfred’s death, a fuckload of ptsd, his violent death, crane’s manipulations, coming back to life, crane plying him with a drug. but there is no easy line to draw between any of these factors to his actions. i think it would be a disservice to jason’s character to attribute his actions entirely to these things and rather irresponsible to do so. i think jason has to reckon with the fact that when he took crane’s drug, he wasn’t reckless and chaotic like the thugs he gave it to; the planning that went into hank’s death was meticulous and the way hank died--dawn essentially tricked into pulling the trigger that blew her lover into bits--is so drawn out and cruel.

5.75. it’s occurring to me that crane might have given jason a placebo. maybe jason’s dependence is psychological, and he’s externalised his fears in such a way that he believes crane’s drugs literally wipe them out, however temporarily.

in any case, the boy needs (more) therapy.

6. “he walked like robin...” fuck, tim

“gait recognition sweep” god, this show. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. hey, once we’re done doing this gait recognition thingy, can we get a goddamn plumber in the house??? or move the commissioner’s desk so that sewage water isn’t dripping on her head or the million dollar touchscreen desk???????

6.5. oh no dick!!!!!! i am delighted that you got hurt but i feel ashamed about it! that looked like it really hurt!

he’s really not having a good time of it, is he. from being shot by a sniper to slamming at full speed into an suv, he’s got to be really fucking battered by now. and that’s just the physical side of it.

“can you believe that just over a week ago i was sitting in san francisco eating cauliflower crust pizza and feeling good about myself for the first time in five years...”

7. kory’s having visions again! now that she’s figured what they are, do you think the show’s just dropped justin? it’s curious that HPG hasn’t been brought up in a while after featuring relatively heavily in the beginning. hmmm.

8. dick’s in hospital but... he looks remarkably whole for someone who took a spill like that. you’d think he’d at least have a bruise to show for it. on the other hand, i love that the first thing he says is ‘i need to call home’. reminds me of season 1 dick and his clumsy attempts to explain away his found family as an ‘alliance of necessity’ or some bullshit. what a long way he’s come!

*gasp* dick’s hallucinating again!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m doing the dick’s hallucinating dance! can you believe that we’re carrying over these huge honking issues unearthed in season 2 onto season 3? can you believe?!!! all that time and effort i spent talking about dick’s mental health from last season has not gone in vain!!

... ahem. anyway. more on this later.

“hold on barbara, i think kory gave me the number to this therapist that she kept calling Hot Psychiatrist Guy...”

9. just an interlude to say that i’m barely halfway through the episode and i’ve already written 2k+ words... ugh. i’m going to try and be more concise.

10. man i fuckin love it when titans goes all out with its weird mindscapes and i’m extra glad that kory’s the focus this time. is that baby kom or maybe a secret sibling that neither of them knew about? was that lady luand’r? and is this place where kory was circling where the secret sibling is? it’s all very intriguing.

(if justin turned out to be that sibling... we’ve a real luke/leia situation on our hands.)

11. aw, i knew that nice security guard was going to die, but it still hurt to see him go :(

12. this show is so bizarre. like i get the mindscape as a narrative device, but jason using sex workers to try and vocalise his guilt about killing hank was just weird. like. i have to use tamil, sorry: idhulaan yaaru pa room pottu yosikara??? some things just can’t be translated into a second language.

i guess one way to interpret jason’s reckoning with what he did to the titans as a sign of him coming off crane’s drug, but i think it’s more to do with the disillusionment of realising that he was a mere pawn in a more sinister plan, and not, as he thought, a player in control of his destiny, rising to the purpose of liberating gotham of its fears in a way batman never could. along the way, he’s done some truly irreversible damage. it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

13. another hallucination! it’s really intriguing that it’s a young dick(?), younger than we’ve ever seen him, wearing an early-era robin costume from way before he even became robin. (this is also interesting in that it gives credence to the idea that ‘robin’ is an identity that dick created entirely on his own, and as a possible homage to his family.)

“old road, old house... it’s all gone.” i wonder what it all means.

13.5. it’s entirely likely dick’s hallucinating because of a brain injury from the accident, though just hallucinations without any other focal neurological deficit is unusual. he might’ve been microdosed with fear toxin at some point, though i wonder when... did jason do so after dick’s accident? did he get dosed at the factory from last episode?

it’s also possible it’s a continuing manifestation of dick’s issues from last season--which, if you remember, he never told anyone about and therefore never properly addressed. maybe he was hallucinating bruce wayne in a psychotic episode accompanying an acute stress reaction and maybe that’s what’s happening now. nobody’s denying that he’s under an extraordinary amount of stress right now. another way to look at it is that this is how he externalises conflict that he can’t bear to suppress anymore; if in s2 halluci!bruce manifested his insecurities and self-loathing, then these hallucinations... something to do with his fears, no doubt.

yet ANOTHER way to look at it might be: rachel is reaching out to him through their, well, psychic bond. after all, they were able to use that bond unconsciously last season to get the titans back together; maybe rachel has learned to gain a degree of control over it in themyscira and is sending across warnings? it’s all very intriguing.

anyway:

“i hear you skipped over the discowing suit in your evolution to nightwing... how could you??”

14. can you imagine, gar did all the work of reaching out to jason via molly and jason wants to meet dick? smh.

14.5. “i’m just a regular guy doing regular things” he says, standing at the opening of a secret old tunnel, like a secret person doing secret things, confronting someone who can now officially be called his stalker. neither of you guys are ‘regular’

14.8. ‘my dad was a cop and he taught me how to investigate’ - hmmm. i guess they’re trying to Explain Tim but i don’t think that’s really necessary. so he’s smart and he’s obsessed with batman and robin--that should be enough, imo.

15. that scene with scarecrow and his mother was... wow. i’m just laughing here helplessly, because what the hell? for a while i thought it was an extended dream sequence and i’m still not entirely sure that it isn’t...

anyway. i still love that titans is happy to throw out its plot in favour of extended character-exploration sessions.

15.5. it seems to me that this scene with crane and his mother (i have no idea if there’s anything in the comics similar to this) serves to move forward this season’s theme of harmful legacies and how parents can damage their children in the name of their mission. in a way it’s been the underlying message of the entire show but we’re really seeing it being reinforced this season. the titans, serving as a foil to scarecrow, are using the damage to rebuild themselves and actually work through their issues together, instead of spiralling further and further into the morass of their issues.

other than that... god, that scene was painful to watch. i can’t say i like this version of scarecrow or how this actor plays him at all.

16. i wonder what’s jason’s play here. i think he’s smart enough to realise that the titans aren’t going to just forgive him and let him be a titan again after what he did, and that dick agreeing to it is just a bid to pin both him and crane down. maybe it’s a ploy to trap them, get back on scarecrow’s good books so that he can have the drug again. who knows.

17. i absolutely felt dick when he said “we’ll bring him in and then re-assess the situation.” what the fuck else is he going to say? the priority is to get him.

so kory and dick are both hallucinating while potentially trying to rehabilitate their murderous siblings. CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER ALREADY

18. TIM NOOOO! you beautiful, reckless fool!

18.25. just to quickly address it here because i know it’s been brought up before: i think it’s perfectly justified to not have conner take tim to the hospital via superspeed because a) i don’t think we’ve seen conner do that with anybody so far and b) it’s probably not a good idea to submit tim’s body to that kind of stress without knowing what it would do to him. the paramedics with actual equipment and experience would be there in a few minutes, so on a risk assessment, i would say dick and conner absolutely made the right call.

18.5. i guess we won’t know what jason really intended to when the titans came to the pump to see him, but this is definitely going to set a big wedge in his relationship with crane. then again, crane got what he wanted--using starfire’s powers to blast through to the underground pipes--so jason can argue that this is exactly what he was working towards, too.

anyway, mortal peril, hallucinations, murderous family members, creepy visions and robins sprouting left and right. time to get rachel and donna on the scene, i think.

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #garfield logan #dick grayson #koriand'r #jason todd #tim drake #jonathan crane #conner kent #komand'r #aaaaah this is 3k+#*collapses in a heap*

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c-is-for-circinate · 3 years

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I'd love to hear more of your thoughts about why P5R didn't quite land for you. I had the same reaction to it, but I've never quite been able to properly articulate why the last section fell so flat.

God okay so I've tried several times to answer this, and it seems like the answer is 'I still have way too many feelings, personally, to say this in anything less than thirty pages and fifteen hours of work', because Persona 5 the original is a game I loved a lot and care about a great deal. And most of the reasons I disliked Royal feel, in my head, like a list of ways it broke some of the things I liked best about P5--which means explaining them feels like I need to explain everything I loved about the original game, which is a book in itself, complete with referents to P3, P4, Jungian psychology, the Joseph Campbell mytharc, and fuck all even knows what. And that is too much.

But today I realized that I could instead describe it from an angle of, Persona 5 Strikers succeeds really well at doing the thing I think Royal was trying to do but failed at. And that I think I can talk about in a reasonable amount of wordspace, hopefully, behind this cut because I have at least one friend who hasn't played Royal yet.

Note for reblogs/comments: I HAVE NOT FINISHED STRIKERS YET. I got through the jail that pretended to be the final jail and have not yet gone into the obviously inevitable 'ohshit wait, you mean there's something more than simple human machinations behind all of this?' dungeon. (I got stuck on a really frustrating side quest, put the game down, and then dived into Hades to avoid throwing the Switch across the room for a while--and anyone around this blog lately knows how THAT'S been going.) Please no spoilers past Okinawa!

So, one of the many, many things I really appreciated about Persona 5 was its straightforward and unashamed attitude towards abusers and their acts of violence. Because, while yes P5 is a story about the use of power and control to make others suffer, it fundamentally isn't about those abusers themselves. It's about their victims, those that survive their crimes. And this shows up repeatedly over the course of the game.

We do not give a shit why Kamoshida wanted to beat and rape his students. We really don't. Kamoshida does not deserve our attention one moment longer than it takes to make him stop. Because, ultimately, that's the goal of P5, start to end. We don't know for sure if what we're doing is fair, if it's justice, if it's questionable. What we know is that people are being hurt, badly, actively, right now this second. What we know is that victims are suffering. What we know is that we, personally, us-the-protag and us the Phantom Thieves at large, are in danger. And in those circumstances, we don't care about the abuser's side any more. We don't. We don't have the space or time or capacity to care, because that is not the point.

The point is to help the weak. To save the people who need saving, right here and now. To give others the courage to stand up on their own behalf. We're not even out to change society, not really--that's a byproduct. We are reactions. We are triage. We are important.

There's something so empowering and validating about that as a theme, y'know? In a media landscape so full of "sympathetic villains", the idea that, you know, maybe sometimes you don't have to break yourself to show compassion that might possibly heal the bad guy--that sometimes you can just make the bad guy stop hurting people--feels both refreshing and satisfying. I really appreciate it as a message! I liked it a lot!

And yes, there's nuance to that theme, and the game is not without compassion. We save Futaba, because 'make the bad guy stop hurting people', in that case, means 'make this person stop hurting herself'. We give Sae a path forwards, help her fix her own heart. Yet it's worth pointing out that in both of those cases, while we were very glad to do those things, to save those people, we also went into both of those palaces for extremely practical reasons to begin with. We needed Futaba's help. We needed Sae's help. The fact that we chose to talk Sae into a change of heart rather than simply stealing her treasure, while ultimately a very good thing for her, was absolutely a practical choice predicated on the need for her palace to still exist to save our life. And yes, we wanted to save her, for Makoto's sake--yes, we wanted desperately to save Futaba. But Sae and Futaba let themselves be helped, too, and that doesn't change the overarching themes of the story itself.

Akechi (and to some extent Okumura) would not let himself be helped. Akechi's another interesting nuance to this theme, because of all our villains, we do learn the most about what drove him to the cruelties and crimes he's committed. He's at that intersection of victim and villain, and we want to help him, as a victim--but we also know that stopping him as a villain is more important. We'd like to save him from himself if we could, because we save people from their sources of trauma, it's what we do. We regret being unable to do so. But in the end, what matters to the story is not that Akechi refused to be saved--it's that Shido and Yaldabaoth need to be stopped, for the sakes of everyone else they're hurting now and may continue to hurt in the future.

The thing is, there's space and maybe even a need for a corollary discussion of those places where victim and villain intersect. It's an interesting, pertinent, and related topic. Strikers made an entire video game about it, a really good video game. It's centered in the idea that, yes, these people need to be stopped, and we will make stopping them our priority--but they're not going after us, and that gives us some space to sympathize. Even for Konoe, who specifically targets the Phantom Thieves--compare him to Shido, who actively destroyed the lives of both Joker and Futaba, who ordered Haru's father's death, who's the entire reason the team is still dealing with the trauma of Akechi's everything. Of course the game can be sympathetic to Konoe where it can't with Shido. There's enough distance to do that.

But right--Strikers is a separate game. It's a separate conversation. It's, "last time, we talked about that, so now let's take it one step further." And that's good writing. (It's something Persona has done before, too, also really well! Persona 3 is about terrible, occasionally-suicidal depression and grief. P4 is about how you can still be hurting and need some help and therapy even if things seem ok. Related ideas, but separate conversations that need to be separate in order to be respectful and do justice to either one. P5, as a follow-up to P4, is a conversation about how, ok, changing yourself is great and all, but sometimes the problem is other people so how do you deal with that? Again, still related! Still pertinent! Still alluded to in P4, with Adachi's whole thing--but it wasn't the time or place to base a quarter of the game around it.)

So one of Royal's biggest issues, to me, is that it tries to tack on this whole new angle for discussion onto a game that was originally about something else.

Adding Maruki's palace--adding it at the end, which by narrative laws suggests that it's the true point that everything else should be building up to--suddenly adds in about a hundred new dimensions at once. It wants us to engage with "what in this abuser/manipulator's life led him to act this way?" for basically the first time all game (we'll get to Akechi later). It wants us to engage with, "if the manipulator has a really good reason or good intentions, does that mean we should forgive them?" It requires us to reflect on, "what is the difference between control and cruelty?" It asks, "okay, but if people could be controlled into being happy, would that be okay?" (Which, based on the game so far, is actually a wild out-there hypothetical! Literally not a single thing we've seen in the game suggests that could ever happen. Even the people who think being controlled is safer and easier are miserable under it. Control that's able to lead to actual happiness is completely out of left field in the context of everything we've encountered all game so far.)

That's too much! We don't have time to unpack all that! We only have an eighth of the game left! Not to mention we are also being asked to bring back questions we put to bed much earlier in the game about the morality of our own actions, in a wholely unsatisfying way. Maruki attempts to justify his mass brainwashing because "it's the same as what you're doing", and we know it isn't, but the game didn't need Maruki calling it out in order for us to get that. We already faced that question when we started changing hearts, and again several times throughout the game, and again when we found our targets in Yaldabaoth's cells. The fact that we change hearts does not mean we think "changing hearts is fine and kind and should be done to everyone, actually." Changing hearts has been firmly established in this game as an act of violence, acceptable only because it prevents further systemic violence against innocents that we must prevent. The moral question has never once been about whether it's ok to change the hearts of the innocent, only about how far it's ethical to go against individuals who are actively hurting other people. Saying "you punched that guy to keep him from shooting a child, so punching people is good and I will save the world by punching everyone!" is confusing! and weird! and not actually at all helpful to the question of, how much violence is it acceptable to use to protect others! So presenting the question that way just falls really flat.

(And right, I love Strikers, because Strikers has time to unpack all that. Strikers can give us a main bad guy who wants to control the whole world for everybody's own good, because Strikers has earned that thematic climax. It has given us sympathetic bad guys who started out wanting to control the world to protect themselves and ended up going too far. It's given us Mariko Hyodo, who wanted to control the world to protect other people and went too far. It's given us a long-running thread about police, the desire to serve, and the abuse of power that can lead to. And since we are actively trying to care for the people whose hearts we're changing in Strikers, we can open the door to questions about using changes-of-heart and that level of control to make other people happy. We can even get a satisfying conclusion out of that discussion, because we have space to characterize the difference--Konoe thinks that changing peoples' hearts means confining them, but the Phantom Thieves think it means setting them free. We have seen enough sympathetic villains that we as an audience have had the space to figure out how we feel about that, and to understand the game's perspective of "stop them AND save them, if we can possibly do both." And that message STILL rests firmly on Persona 5's message of "it is Good to do what you have to do to stop an abuser so long as you don't catch innocent people in your crossfire.")

It's worth noting that the general problem of 'asking way too many new questions and then not answering them' also applies to how Royal treats its characters, too. P5 did have unanswered questions left at the end! The biggest one, and we all knew this, was Akechi, and what actually happened to him, and how we should feel about him, and how he felt about us. That was ripe for exploring in our bonus semester, and to Royal's credit they did in fact try to bring it up, but by god did they fuck up doing it.

Akechi's probable death in the boiler room was absolutely the biggest dangling mystery of the game. It was an off-screen apparent death of a key antagonist, so all of the narrative rules we know suggested that he might still be alive and would probably come back if the story went on for long enough. So when Royal brings him back on Christmas Eve, hey, great! Question answered. Except that the situation is immediately too good to be true, and immediately leads to another mystery, which leads to a flat suspicion that something must be wrong. We spend several hours of gameplay getting sly hints that, oooh, maybe he's not really alive after all, before it's finally confirmed by Maruki: yup, he really died, if we end the illusion we'll kill him too. Okay, at least we know now. Akechi is alive right now and he's going to be dead if we do this, and that doesn't make a ton of sense because every other undead person disappeared when the person who wished for them realized they were fake but at this point we'll take it. So we take down Maruki, and okay, Akechi really is dead! Probably! We're fairly sure! Aside from our lingering doubts!

And then we catch a glimpse of maybe-probably-could be him through the train window, and I just want to throw something, because come on.

Look, it is just a fact of storytelling: the more times you make an audience ask 'wait, is this character dead or aren't they?', the less they will care, until three or four reversals later you will be hard pressed to find anybody who gives a shit. Royal does this like four different times, and every iteration comes with even less certainty than the last. By the end, we somehow know even less than we did when we started! Did Akechi survive the boiler room to begin with and Maruki just didn't know? Or was Maruki lying to try and manipulate us further? Or was he actually dead and then his strength of will when Maruki's reality dissolved was enough to let him survive after all? Is that even actually him out the train window?

Where is he going! What is he doing! How did any of this happen! What is going on! We all had these questions about Akechi at the end of the original P5, and the kicker is that Royal pretends like it's going to answer them only to go LOL JK NO. It's frustrating and it's dissatisfying and it annoys me.

The one Akechi question that Royal doesn't even bother to ask, though, let alone leave ambiguous, is how does the protagonist feel about him? The entire emotional weight of the third semester rests on the protagonist caring about Akechi, Sumire, and Maruki. Maruki's the person we're supposed to sympathize with even as we try to stop him. Sumire's the person we're trying to save from herself. And Akechi is our bait--is, we are told, the one thing our protagonist wished for enough to actualize it in this world himself. Akechi's the final lure to accept Maruki's deal. Akechi's survival is meant to be tempting.

For firm Akechi fans, this probably worked out fine--the game wanted to insist that the protagonist cared for Akechi the same way the player did. For those of us who're a little more ambivalent, though (or for the many and valid people who hated him), this is a super sour note. Look, one of the Persona series' strengths is the way it lets players choose to put their time and emotional investment into an array of different characters, so the main story still has weight even if there's a couple you don't care about that much. It has always done this. The one exception, from P3 all the way through P4 to here and now, is Nanako Dojima, and by god she earned that distinction. I have never met a person who played Persona 4 who didn't love Nanako. Nanako is a neglected six-year-old child who is brave and strong enough to take care of herself and all of the housework but who still tries not to cry when her dad abandons her again and lights up like the sun when we spare her even the tiniest bit of time and attention. It is impossible not to care for Nanako. Goro Akechi is not Nanako.

And yet third semester Royal doesn't make sense if your protagonist doesn't feel linked to Akechi. The one question, out of all the brand new questions Royal throws out there, that it decides to answer all by itself--and it's how you as a player and your protagonist ought to feel about an extremely complex and controversial character. What the fuck, Royal. What the fuck.

In conclusion, I'll leave you with this. I played the original Persona 5 in March and April of 2017, as an American, a few months after the 2016 election and into the term of our then president. It felt painfully timely. A quick calendar google early on indicated that the game's 20XX was almost certainly 2016, and the closer our plot got to the in-game November leadup to an election destined to be dominated by a foul and charming man full of corruption and buoyed up by his own cult of personality, the more I wanted to laugh/cry. It felt timely. It felt important. It felt right.

I went through Royal (in LP form on youtube, not having a platform to play it on) in summer of 2020, with a hook full of face masks by my front door and protests about racial tension and local policing that occasionally turned into not-quite-riots close enough to hear at night if I opened the windows of my apartment. The parts of the game that I remembered felt as prescient and meaningful as ever, if not even more so. The new parts felt baffling. Every single evil in the game felt utterly, painfully real, from the opening moments of police brutality to the idea of a country led by a guy who probably would use his secret illegitimate teenage son as a magical assassin if the opportunity presented itself and he thought he could get away with it. Yaldabaoth as the cumulative despair of an entire population who just wanted somebody to take over and make things be okay--yes, yes, god, in summer of 2020? With streets full of people refusing to wear masks and streets full of people desperate for change? Of course. Of course that holy grail of safety should be enticing. Of course it should be terrifying.

And then Maruki. Maruki, who was just so far outside the scope of anything I could relate to the rest of the game or my own life. Because every single other villain in the rest of Persona is real. From the petty pandering principal to the human-trafficking mob boss. The corrupt politicians and the manmade god of cultural desire for stability. And this game was trying to tell me that the very biggest threat of all of them, the thing that was worse than the collective force of all society agreeing to let this happen because succumbing was easier than fighting back--that the very biggest threat of all was that the world could be taken over by some random nobody's misguided attempts to help?

No. Fuck no. I don't buy it. Because god, yes, I have seen the pain and damage done on a tiny and personal and very real level by the tight-fisted control of someone trying to help, it never looked like this. Not some ascended god of a bad therapist. All the threats to the world, and that's the one I'm supposed to take seriously? This one man is more of a threat than the fundamental human willingness to be controlled?

Sorry, but no. Not for me. Not in this game. Not in this real-life cyberpunk dystopian apocalypse.

#c plays persona #driveby meta attack #p5 royal spoilers #p5 strikers spoilers #holy crap I did it #I actually wrote a semicoherent essay of a length I'm willing to put on Tumblr #about my problems with this game #I have been trying on and off for MONTHS #I wanted to like Royal SO BADLY #it makes me SO UPSET #anyway #now back to your regularly scheduled Hades blogging #asked and answered #Anonymous

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goddessofthundathighs · 4 years

Text

X. REVELATION

Word Count: 2.9K

*taps mic* Is this thing on? Aight, I know I said that I’d update CS every 3-5 business months, but life happened for both me & @hearteyes-for-killmonger. Let me just tell y’all how many times I wanted to completely scrap this book, simply because for a second, I fell out of love with it. I also thought that you guys were no longer interested. For our loyal readers, thank you for sticking with us! This chapter is fairly short, but MAJOR progression is made!

It’s also late, so this is un-beta’d. Any errors will be corrected in the morning.

************

Skylar’s face turned up in a wide grin as O’Shea came downstairs with her latest flower arrangement. If Oya wasn’t good at anything else, she was a professional at wooing her. The bright yellow of the freshly picked sunflowers was a beautiful contrast to the deep red hue of the roses. She’d forgotten that she’d mentioned that they were her favorites.

“With love, from Bae,” O’Shea read teasingly, only making the smile on Skylar’s face stretch wider. “And again I ask, why aren’t the two of you officially a thing? The mutual attraction is obvious and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this wide. Like you’re really flashing all 32 right now,” she asked, placing the vase on the corner of Sky’s desk.

“Because it’s not that easy, Shea. I have walls that need to be broken down and we both have issues that we need to work through. This is why SPT is so important. I have to understand exactly who I’m dealing with before we take things to the next level.”

O’Shea nodded. She hadn’t really thought about their situation like that. She’d just assumed that Sky was still working through ridding herself of Monica and was afraid of being heartbroken again.

“I’ve been meaning to ask about that. So is she Erik’s client now?”

“Yes. He’ll be her official therapist and draw up our plan of action as far as treatment.”

“Why does she feel like she needs treatment? She doesn’t seem to struggle sexually.”

“Looks can be deceiving, Shea. Behavior is also an indication that there may be underlying issues. Most of the clients that Erik and I treat are fully functioning. Look at you, for example.” Shea pulls a face. It was entirely too early in the workday for Skylar to be coming for her edges. She hadn’t even finished her acai breakfast bowl. “Aye, we not talking about me,” she fussed, placing her hands on her hips.

“But you fit the example. Personally, I think her excessive need to be sexual is a cover for something deeper, I just have to get her to tell me what it is.”

Sky couldn’t deny the soft spot she had for Oya. Even if things didn’t work out on the personal side of their relationship, she still cared for her and wanted to ensure she received the best treatment. Regardless of past situations, everybody deserved to be loved and accepted for who they truly are.

A pregnant silence engulfed Erik’s office as Oya and Skylar waited for him to speak. For the last 45 minutes he had been busy typing away at his computer, only pausing briefly to think before starting again. Once finished, he leans back in the Italian leather chair, stroking his beard as he gives the therapy plan a final onceover.

“Alright, before we begin, we first need to get to the root of the problem. Oya, why do you feel you need SPT and what do you hope to gain from it, other than my business partner as a mate?”

Ouch.

Oya recoiled slightly at his brashness. She hadn’t expected to be put on front street so quickly, nor was she prepared to discuss her history so soon. She suddenly felt bare, like she had been stripped of all of her clothing in front of a crowded high school auditorium and her anxiety was spiking. Skylar took notice of how withdrawn she’d become and placed a comforting hand on her thigh.

“It’s okay, Oya. You don’t have to explain in detail just yet, we just need a general idea of what we’re dealing with so that we approach it in the best way,” Skylar explained, the gentleness of her voice causing Oya to return her soft smile.

While she knew that there wasn’t a logical reason to be afraid of Erik or his opinion, her brain had been conditioned to be critical of men ever since that fateful night in her uncle’s basement. Still, having Skylar there was comforting. Her presence made it easier to generate a Spark Notes version of her past.

“I was abused and shunned as a child and as a result, became overtly sexual. While I know that sex can’t fill the void that was left from that experience, it’s the only way to silence the voices in my head. I started looking into SPT because I saw that abuse survivors can benefit from it.”

Erik’s face softened from its usual hard line. While he’d assumed this girl had been through the ringer, his mind couldn’t begin to fathom just how deep her trauma ran.

“Here’s what we’ll do,” he started. “Since it’s obvious that you’re a lot more comfortable speaking to Sky about this, how about the two of you do dinner. If not tonight, then later this week. During dinner, Oya, I need you to be as transparent as possible. I need you to go into full detail of what happened and then Skylar will report back to me. The two of us will formulate a comprehensive 8-week therapy plan, which will be implemented starting next week. Are you okay with doing this?”

Oya nodded, finally allowing herself to completely relax.

“We’re gonna get you right, Ms. Ramirez. Over the next 8 weeks you’ll watch yourself become a new woman, I guarantee it,” Erik smiles, offering her his hand to shake.

She accepts the invitation, returning his smile in the most infectious way before turning to Skylar.

“I know SPT doesn’t always require sex, but we can still implement some BDSM therapy, right?”

Sky laughs in response. Leave it to Oya to bring sexual humor into an otherwise serious situation.

“Baby steps, Ms. Ramirez.”

Oya's salmon arrived on the table and she licked her chops, having been out all day without eating. Why Sky had inquired about her level of hunger, Oya stated that her radiant smile was enough to fill her, however, the angry cry of her stomach told a different tale.

The pair opted for a Friday evening dinner, an excuse for Skylar to have a drink or two and not worry about having to work the following day. She sips her Hendricks and tonic slowly, savoring the crisp taste of the cucumbers she requested be added to the concoction.

Oya slammed face first into her plate effectively scaring the shit out of Sky who was currently rethinking a few things in regard to diet based on Oya's uncouth and grizzly attack on her fish.

"Well. She eats fish like I eat pussy," Sky sighed, brushing it off. Still, she found herself keeping her eyes down to her own plate.

"I wasn't that hungry," Oya belched, wiping her mouth with her stained paper napkin. "I'll take another one still."

After her second fish, Sky was appalled at the way Oya had violated those salmon. She decided that she would also train Oya to eat like a human being and they would practice on a sushi date, since they require smaller bites.

“Alright fish murderer,” Sky finally chirps. “You’ve avoided the inevitable long enough, it’s time to talk.” Oya lifts her head slowly, much like a dog who has just been scolded for peeing on fresh carpet.

“Do we really have to talk about this? Like is it honestly necessary?”

“Yes, Oya. With all due respect, we can’t treat you if we don’t know what we’re treating. You gotta give us something.”

“I gave you something earlier,” she snaps defensively.

“Yes, but that’s not enough. There are several forms of abuse, Oya. Just saying you were abused doesn’t really tell us anything. We can’t use verbal abuse treatment methods to treat a victim of physical abuse. You understand that, right?” Sky asks incredulously.

Oya pinches the bridge of her nose in annoyance. She was beginning to regret even bringing up the whole thing. While she thought she was ready to expose this part of her life, fear and her anxiety were getting the best of her. She was beginning to close up again.

Just tell her, her psyche coaxes.

“I was raped by my mother’s brother when I was ten. It happened nearly everyday for 6 months. It took everything in me to say something to my mother about it, but when I finally did, she accused me of lying.”

A lone tear slid down Oya’s cheek at the memory.

“From that point on, I haven’t been able to trust or fully commit to a man. Which is why I couldn’t talk to Dr. Stevens earlier. I know he means well, but --”

“It’s a work in progress, I understand,” Skylar interjects.

“To this day, she refuses to acknowledge what that man did to me, even though he’s currently serving a 20-year prison sentence for pedophilia. From that point on, sex was my escape. I know it sounds oxymoronic, but it helped fill the void and silence the pain. Even if the gratification was short lived.

Skylar takes her hand, offering a napkin to wipe the fresh tears that slid down her face.

“I think we should start slow. I’ll get with Erik, but I feel like our first few sessions should be meditation and sensate focus. I want you to be comfortable with touching and being touched in a nonsexual manner before we move onto more advanced methods. Are you ok with that?”

“I think so,” Oya admits. “I’ve been using sex to run from my demons for majority of my life. I don’t want to hide anymore.”

“And when this is all over, you won’t have to,” Skylar smiles.

“I still wanna be your sex slave at some point, though,” Oya jokes.

“Check please!” Sky laughs.

After several back and forth debates as to where the session should be held, the doctors finally decided that Oya’s house would be best.

“It’s somewhere that she feels comfortable, and therefore, it should be easier for her to open up,” Erik said once the final decision was made. Sky nods her agreement, texting Oya to alert her of the plan.

Sky: Instead of coming to my office, we’ll be doing the session at your house. Is that ok?

Oya: Ooh, I get the good doctor all to myself. Say less. Here’s my address

Skylar chuckles at her eagerness, adding the address to her Maps app for later access.

“She seems excited,” she tells Erik, pocketing her phone.

“For now,” he says, sliding a manila folder towards her. “She’s flighty, so her nervousness can come back at any moment. Make sure you keep her relaxed the entire time.”

“Why you talking to me like she’s my first patient?”

“Just making sure your head is in the right place. You’re typically behind the scenes. Patients like Oya can be tricky.”

“I got this, dad,” Sky groans, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she stands to leave.

“You better stop. You ain’t called a nigga Daddy in a minute, Nola.”

“Goodbye, Stevens! I’ll let you know how things go.”

“Text me. I promised the baby brat we’d go to the carnival later. She’s been dying for a funnel cake and a new stuffie.”

“Aww, how sweet,” Sky beams, armed with new ammunition to tease Shea with once they were back in the office. After reading through the therapy plan for herself, she rests the folder and her bag in the passenger seat and heads home. She would need the rest of the night to prepare for the next day’s session.

The California sun beamed brightly as Skylar made her way to Oya’s apartment. It was a beautiful three bedroom, three bath unit in Playa Vista, not far from the beach. Skylar was immediately drawn to the brightness of the space, the white walls with soft marble and gold accents adding to the feminine charm.

“I was thinking we could do this in my meditation room,” Oya said once Sky was done with her exploration.

“Ooh meditation room,” Skylar squealed, following her into what would become her favorite room in the entire unit. Behind the curtain of strung selenite crystals lay a spiritual oasis. Two black Buddah statues sat on both sides of the entrance while pink, orange, and yellow pillows decorated the floor. They looked to be from Bali or some other spiritual region. On the east and western walls were sun and moon appliques, subtle nods to the orishas Yemoja and Oshun, while chakra posters and decorations line the southern wall. On an inverted bookshelf near the front facing wall lay her crystals, sage, and a small altar Sky could tell had been used recently.

“Okay, I already loved the rest of the house, but this room is a whole vibe,” Skylar compliments, pulling out her notebook and video camera. “It’s standard practice that these sessions are recorded, but if you’re uncomfortable being on film, I have a tape recorder.”

“No, the camera is fine,” Oya assured, taking a seat on the pink pillow. She sat Indian style with her palms resting on her knees. Skylar placed her camera between two rose quartz cathedrals, taking a few test shots to ensure the angle was perfect. Once done, she mimicked Oya’s stance on the yellow pillow across from her.

“It is the third day of March and the time is 3:33 pm,” Skylar says, beginning the recording.

“I see you, Universe,” Oya muses to herself, allowing herself to be consumed by the feeling of divine protection.

“We’re going to start with simple breathing exercises to get you relaxed and comfortable, okay?” Oya nods in response. “First I need you to sit up straight, but keep your shoulders and neck relaxed.”

Oya complies, rolling her neck to the sides to release some apparent tension.

“Now, close your eyes and visualize your happy place. It could be the beach or your bed, just wherever makes you feel the happiest,” Sky instructs, doing the same. “Now, breathe in deep through your nose, hold it for about five seconds, then release through your mouth.”

The two repeat these steps about five times before Oya is finally allowed to open her eyes. Skylar makes note of the sated look in her eyes.

“How do you feel?” she asks softly.

“Surprisingly, I feel really good. I do breathing exercises often, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed before.” “Good, that’s what we want. Now, we’ll move into sensate touching. I’ll need you to remove your jewelry and as much clothing as you’re comfortable with.”

Oya’s face turns up into a sly smirk.

“Are you getting fresh with me, Dr. Greene,” she teases, slowly removing the white Nike crop top.

Sky chuckles before answering.

“Quite the opposite, Ms. Ramirez. In sensate touching, participants are typically nude and free from jewelry. The method we’ll be practicing this afternoon is non-genital sensate touching, which means that I will touch every single part of your body except your breasts and your vagina. While sensate touching may cause arousal, it is important that you remain professional and focus only on your own sensations while being touched, understood?”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Oya responds, saluting for emphasis. This makes Skylar giggle.

“I can already tell you’re not going to make this easy for me, Ms. Ramirez.” “I promise to be a good girl, Dr. Greene. You have my word.”

“Alright. This first session will be strictly me touching you with my hands. If this goes well, then we can introduce other elements, such as feathers, scarves, and even oils. If at any point you feel uncomfortable or sleepy, let me know and we can continue another time.”

“I’m not allowed to fall asleep?” Oya questions.

“No. It’s important that you remain awake and conscious through the entire experience,” Sky responds, positioning herself behind Oya. Slowly and deliberately, Skylar rubs her hands up Oya’s arms, starting with just her palms. She moves up to her shoulders and neck, alternating between firm and subtle pressure to the pressure points there.

“Mmm,” Oya moans softly. “You should consider massage therapy,” she coos, allowing her head to fall slightly.

“You think so?” Sky asks with a grin. “Yes ma’am. Your touch is very relaxing, Dr. Greene,” Oya shudders as Skylar’s fingertips dance up and down her back.

“Well I’m glad you think so, Ms. Ramirez.”

The session continues for exactly 33 minutes before Oya’s eyes start to droop. “Okay, I think we need to stop, otherwise, I’m gonna be asleep in your arms,” Oya says, her voice audibly more soft and relaxed than when they first began.

Skylar shuts the camera off and makes a few more notes in her notebook before putting her things away. Without thinking, she sits down beside Oya, pulling her so that she was cradled against her supple bosom.

“I don’t think I’d object to that much,” she beams.

Oya bites her lip softly before staring up into Sky’s big green eyes. She could see herself getting lost in them for days.

“You think you’re capable of fixing me? I’m damaged goods, Dr. Greene.” Her voice came out just above a whisper, her tone laced with vulnerability. Skylar smoothed her hair, tucking a stray curl behind her ear before delivering her heartfelt response.

“A smushed Reese’s cup is still a Reese’s cup, Ms. Ramirez. And I happen to really like Reese’s cups.”

Oya’s smile spread across her whole face, a soft twinkle dancing in her eyes.

“I’ll be your Reese’s cup.”

@vikkidc @thadelightfulone @sydneebleu @blktinkerbell @madamslayyy @chaneajoyyy @jozigrrl @thehomierobbstark @ @iamrheaspeaks @mareethequeen @forbeautyandlife @whatmoredoyouwantamericaa @blowmymbackout @wakanda-inspired @yaachtynoboat711 @nickidub718 @heyauntieeee @princessstevens @bakarilennox @xaviera108 @alexundefined @raysunshine78 @dameshaemonique @laketaj24 @youreadthatright @theogbadbitch @bugngiz @amirra88 @post-woke @im5ftbutmythroat66 @blackpinup22 @maya-leche @blessyd-bthyname @unholyxcumbucket @eclecticblkgirl @kissmyafropuff @rick-sosa @jennajai @allhailqueennel @killmongersbaby @eye-raq @thickemadame @soulfulbeauty19 -

#vanity writes #my shit #erik stevens #killmonger smut #daddy erik #killmonger fic #bde #erik killmonger #erik killmonger x black oc #carnal stimulation

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eighth--wonder · 4 years

Text

alright fuck it

here's a lil story i'm writing. i have no idea where it's heading but i want to share it.

first | next

Stranger

“Do you have a minute?” asks the stranger that has taken a seat next to me. I just wanted to read a book in the park and NOT talk to people. It’s the reason I’m out here, to not talk to people. Well, that, and the fact that my therapist keeps yelling at me to go outside.

“Y-yes?” I said back to him, shutting my book. There it goes, that darn stutter.

“I’ve had a heck of a day. I got laid off from the only thing keeping me from living in my parents' basement, my phone shattered after this stupid kid knocked into me on his bike, I lost this really important family heirloom after my house was robbed by my step-mom, and, I have no friends to vent to, which why I’m talking to you, a stranger. No offense.”

I smiled. “None t-taken. That sounds li-like a pretty crappy d-day to m-me.”

He looked confused. “You…”

“I-i-i-it’s my s-stutter.”

“Oh. I’m Cody by the way.” He said, delivering a warm smile along with a hand to shake.

I shook his hand. “I’m Wil-Wilson. N-nice to me-meet you.”

Here is usually where the people who thought I could be a potential friend go away, but Cody was different. He stayed, asking me what book I was reading, talked about how the economy was failing, new shows on Netflix. Ya know, the usual.

Eventually, he decided that I was good friend material, and we exchanged numbers.

I walked home after Cody left, considering my social interaction bar had been used up for the day talking to him. Cody, the only person who judged me by how I acted instead of my stutter. He was nice, his appearance wasn’t anything out of the usual indicating he wasn’t a serial killer, which was always a perk. He also didn’t show any signs of isolation which is why I was surprised when he told me he didn't have any friends, but everybody copes in their own way, I guess. His tone of voice suggested that he goes to therapy, he sounded very on edge, possibly paranoia, but he did say he had a bad day.

I shook my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts. My CSI training tended to kick in from time to time. I had gotten “let go” from my CSI position at NJPD because of head trauma, also known as, “We don’t want a kid with a broken dream and a stutter solving murders.”

I opened the door to my apartment and stepped inside. Just as I had expected, nothing had happened. My living room was a mess, decorative throw pillows all pilled and smushed. The coffee table had empty coffee mugs littered around its surface leaving white rings on the table. I guess I should clean them up.

After cleaning up the coffee mugs and the white heat rings, I grabbed a cup of water, sat down in front of the TV, and flipped to the news.

As usual, the news delivered nothing but depressing news about how the president’s attempt to do something-or-other was succeeding. Or failing. I never paid attention to the news.

I turned the TV off and decided to go do something productive with my time and then did nothing because who has time for productivity and stared at the ceiling.

Eventually, my body started telling me I needed to sleep and listening to it, I changed into my sleepwear and went to bed.

I woke up to birds chirping and the sun shining through my bedroom window, which would lead you to think I would have a wonderful day, meet someone new, maybe go shopping for supplies to make a delicious meal, but no. My plan for the day was to update my laptop, watch some TV, then maybe mow the lawn.

While I was staring at the black screen of my updating laptop, my phone vibrated signaling a text message had come through. Getting text messages was not a usual occurrence for me. I only ever got messages from my data plan telling me I ran out of data. I looked down at my phone and to my surprise, it was Cody asking if I wanted to hang out today. After proofreading my response and then proofreading it again, I sent it to him.

Waiting for his response, I sat on my bed chewing my nails.

What if he isn’t really your friend, he’s just pretending to be?

What if it’s all a joke and he hates you?

No, stop that.

Why would anybody want to be friends with you?

You can’t even speak right.

Stop.

Nobody even likes you.

That’s it.

I got up and got changed, avoiding looking in any mirrors. My outfit wasn’t anything extraordinary, a pair of jeans with an old band t-shirt and leather jacket matched with Converse. Without waiting for a meeting place from Cody, I headed out the door, slinging my beige satchel over my shoulder. In my satchel was my phone, my wallet, a pocket knife and a lighter.

I arrived at the park searching for Cody: vitiligo, blonde hair, freckles, blue eyes, glasses, a pretty good sense of style. Judging by what he wore yesterday which was a pair of work pants, a long-sleeved light pink dress shirt, and a navy blue tie, he would wear something casual like jeans and a sweatshirt. What he wore yesterday was obviously his work clothes but as he said, he had gotten laid off from his job so he wouldn’t be wearing work clothes.

I had actually done research on jobs for him based on the personality gathered from him. I know, I know. I’m weird because somehow I know his entire personality after just meeting him for the first time. Yeah well, I don’t care. The job turnouts were nice, things along the lines of psychiatrists, therapists. Ya know, socially demanding jobs. Something I could never do.

Eventually, I found Cody at a coffee shop talking to the lady at the counter about how she should go see a therapist to cope with the loss of her husband. What a gentleman.

He turned around to find a seat in the crowded coffee shop and noticed me standing in the middle of the shop, staring at him like a loser.

“Wilson, you found me!” He said, walking up to me as if he had known me longer than a quick chat on a bench.

“I did,” I said, nervous that other people would see. “Now le-let’s go,” I said, grabbing his arm and dragging him to the door.

“Don’t you want anything?” He said, struggling not to spill his coffee.

“No, I’ll p-pick up a Mo-Monster on the w-way to the ma-mall,” I said.

Realizing I was basically holding Cody’s hand, I let go and turned to face him.

“S-sorry,” I said, turning a slight shade of pink.

Cody situated himself. “About what?”

“Nevermi-mind,” I shook my head as if doing that would remove the awkwardness from the situation.

Cody kind of smiled. “Okay. So, we’re we headed?”

“I was th-thinking the mall, m-maybe hit up H-Hot Topic,” I said as I started to walk down the trail.

The trail at the park was an absolute must if you’re a tourist. In the fall, the trail became covered in amber-gold leaves. Animals of all sorts rustled the leaves, burrowing to make their homes. Grumpy park keepers raking leaves into piles only to have children jump in them and ruin them. God, I love it.

“Sure. Doesn’t the mall have a food court? We could stop there and get something to eat.”

I turned to look at him. “Th-that would be g-great.”

We walked in silence to the mall. I could never quite figure out Cody’s shopping preference. He looked like he shopped at Kohls or Sears. Some relatively nice places. Maybe Boscovs. I, on the other hand, shop at places like Hot Topic and Journeys.

We arrived at the mall and made a direct line to a Hot Topic. I could tell Cody had never entered a Hot Topic in his life, considering the fact he scrunched up when he saw the cashier.

I walked up beside him and nudged him. “This your fi-first time?”

He took a sip of his coffee. “In a Hot Topic, yes.”

I turned back to the t-shirts. “I can te-tell.”

We browsed the store, Cody striking some conversation with other shop goers. How is he so social? He even got the kids in Hot Topic to talk to him.

“Wilson, c’mere!” Cody yelled from the other side of the store. The entire store, which consisted of like, 3 people, turned to look at me.

I chuckled awkwardly. “Uh, h-h-hi.” I gave a tiny socially awkward wave which was responded with an understanding nod from some kid in a Panic! At the Disco shirt.

I scurried over to the other side of the store. “Wha-what do you wa-want!” I hissed at him.

Cody gestured over to the shirt he had in his right hand. “Don’t you like this band? I saw them on your lockscreen.”

He was holding a Twenty One Pilots shirt that had the words: “I belive in Josh Dun” etched around the alien-like symbol that represented Josh Dun. The shirt wasn’t really my style, but Cody looked so proud of himself for finding a shirt that I could possibly like, that I couldn’t turn it down. I grabbed the sirt from his hands and slung it over my shoulder. I looked for other t-shirts, failed, and ended up in the pin section. A sign underneath the bucket read, “Buy 2 get 1 free”. I was always a sucker for deals.

“Watcha doing?” A voice was accompanied by a brush on my shoulder. I suspected that it was Cody’s arm, because his hand brushed against mine. As if that same hand had taken a paintbrush, my face was painted a light red. Well, more of a light pink. For some reason, Cody’s touch made my chest feel all weird, my stomach flutter, and my face heat up. Of course I knew what this feeling was, I’m not stupid.

“Uh, I’m l-looking for pi-pins. They’re b-buy two get one fr-free.” I said.

Cody was immediately intrigued. He rummaged through the pins, discarding ones he didn’t like. I already held two pins in my hand, a Fall Out Boy one and a subtle LGBTQ+ Pride pin.

Now, Cody wasn’t the type of person I would have thought to have also picked out an LGBTQ+ Pride pin as well, but here we are, Cody with an extremely flamboyant Pride pin in the palm of his hand.

My face tuned a medium shade of red. Holy crap, Cody’s gay. I mean, it didn’t bother me, obviously, but you never would have guessed it.

Somehow, I completed the transaction between the cashier and I, and me and Cody made a beeline for the Five Guys. Five Guys was a restaurant I had come to many times when I was a kid. I ordered what I usually got, a Veggie Sandwich. Cody ordered a Cheeseburger with Small Fries. An order I can respect. We searched for a place to sit before choosing a seat underneath the trees they put in the mall. It never occured to me why they put trees in the mall until now.

Seeing Cody smile at me from underneath the trees, a stray ray of sunlight shone through his glasses and making its way to his blue eyes, his smile making me feel warm inside. God, what I would do to take a picture of him right now.

“H-hey, can I t-take a p-p-picture of y-you, Cody?” I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

“Sure. Where do you want me to look?” He said. I was honestly surprised by his reaction. He didn’t think I was weird or refuse.

I adjusted my phone camera to the light settings. “J-just look directly a-at the c-cam-camera and smi-smile.”

He did as I said, smiling directly at the camera. The shot was super cliche, but he looked great.

I took the picture, ignoring weird looks from other customers, and sent it to Cody. The picture came out nice.

“Put a black and white filter on it.” Cody’s voice sounded from my shoulder. His chin rested right where my shoulder met my neck.

I put the black and white filter on it. The ray of sunlight that passed diagnally on his face was turned to a light gray.

“But it l-look-looks better with col-colour.” I said, changing it back.

Cody stared at it for a few moments, his face looked rather studious, as if he wanted to remember every aspect of the photo.

“Yeah, your right. Keep it coloured.”

I smiled. “I’m al-always ri-right.”

Something about how quickly our friendship had formed made an impact on me. We met on a bench yesterday and now I’m sending him a picture I took of him in a mall plainly because I wanted to. Something wasn’t right; friendships don’t move this quickly. People weren’t just nice. As depressing as it sounds, it’s true. People aren’t nice with no reason. We’d love them to be, but they just aren’t.

Cody threw away the remains of his lunch and sat back down in front of me.

“So, want do you want to do now?” He said.

I shrugged. “I do-don’t know. May-maybe we c-could go to-”

Cody gasped. “What about a play! There’s a theatre down the street, and the admission’s free!”

I smiled. I friggin’ love plays. Especially musicals. Something about how people can change their person to a completely different personality always made me happy.

“I lo-love the sound of th-that.” I said, standing up and throwing the remains of my veggie sandwich in the garbage can.

We left the mall in a hurry, rushing to hail a cab to the nearest theatre. We both sat in the back of the cab as the driver drove us to our location.

“So, do y-you know wha-what play it i-i-is?” I asked.

Cody shook his head no. “Honestly, I don’t really care what play it is. I just love the acting behind it.” He said.

“Me t-too. I just lo-love how the pe-pe-people on st-stage can tra-transform into wha-whatever chara-character they ne-need to-” I was cut off by the cab driver.

“Ay kid, could ya knock it off with that stutter? It’s really annoyin’ and it’s gettin’ on my nerves.” He said. He had a heavy jersey accent, a contrast to our current location of New York.

“Yes s-sir.” I said, folding my hands in my lap and drawing my eyes to my feet.

Cody kept looking between me and the cab driver. “What? No.” He said, knocking on the glass that divided the passengers and the driver.

“Sir, can you pull over?” He said. His tone sounded like a mother who was about to scold her child.

The cab driver groaned and pulled over.

“What?” He said, twisting his body so he could see through the little window.

“My friend can’t help his stutter, okay? And for you to ask him to ‘knock it off’ was extremely impolite.” Cody said.

‘Friend’. I held back my smile.

The cab driver snorted. “I don’t care if he can help it or not, it’s annoying and it distracts me from driving.”

Cody laughed in disbelief. “Oh, I see. Well, in that case, can you stop talking in that obnoxious jersey accent of yours? It distracts me from enjoying the view. And, maybe stop smelling like rotten fries because it makes it hard to focus. And I would heavily enjoy it if you threw out that black ice smelly tree, because all it does is combine with the scent of feces back here and makes it smell worse.” He smiled sweetly. “Thanks so much, mmm-bye.”

He opened the cab door and walked over to the sidewalk to open mine. I got out, throwing a dirty look at the cab driver. We left without paying.

“Hey, th-thanks for standing u-u-up for me b-back there. It rea-really meant a lo-lot.” I said.

Cody smiled. “No problem! It just pisses me off when people are mean to others.”

We walked to the theatre. Cody was right, the admission was free and it was one of my favourite plays. Romeo and Juliet.

Cody and I walked up to the admission box, standing rather close to each other.

“One ticket for me and one for my friend.” He said.

There it was. That word Friend. Now that I think of if, I haven’t really had a friend before. Yeah, I know. You’re probably thinking ‘Wilson, I bet you had at least one friend.’ Nope. None of the kids in elementary school talked to me enough for me to develop a friendship with them, and middle school was, well, middle school, and after my accident in high school, no one spoke to me straight up. I’m honestly surprised I have the social skills I have.

We walked down the aisle and found our seats. We were seated in the 3rd row of the middle section. So right near the front.

“Have you ever seen Romeo and Juliet?” Cody asked.

I raised my eyebrows. “Have I ev-ever seen R-Romeo and Juli-Juliet?”

Cody smiled. “I take it you have. Well good, because I’ve never seen it.”

“Really?” I said. How?????

Cody shook his head. “Nope. Never seen it.”

I sighed. “Do you at le-least know th-the p-plot?”

“More or less. I know theres a thing with a balcony?”

“Yes.”

“And they,” He looked side to side, checking for people. “Both die?”

I smiled and nodded. “Y-Yes! So you kno-know the basic-ics. G-Good.”

We turned our attention to the stage as the lights dimmed.

yea that's it so far. ask me if you wanna be tagged!

#stranger #<- that's the name of the story btw #danny tries to write

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ratabrasileira · 3 years

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I love how Az pines after ONE female, and suddenly he's this evil, awful Fae male. admittedly, its a little weird for it to go on for so long but whatever, it's SJM. we never said the shit she writes makes sense, but not once not ONCE has he ever forced himself on Mor. they're friends, but she knows he has a crush on her and that's the extent of it.

then the entire fandom sexually objectifies and fantasizes about him for years. YEARS. then he has One Horny Thought about Elain and suddenly he's canceled. i really fail to understand how this is Az's fault. have the headcanons of the fandom really poisoned peoples minds so much?? they're out here calling him daddy dom and wanting him to spank and choke them à la S&M Rihanna, but when he (mentally! to his godsdamnself!) admits he jacks off to the thought of Elain sometimes (btw, a completely normal fucking thing to do,) suddenly he's the Devil and Must Be Canceled as if the fandom hasn't been sexually objectifying and drooling over him as a 50 shades type character this entire time.

seems pretty hypocritical imo. idk. that might just be me.

Oh hello, nonnie.

Tbh I've never paid too much attention on Azriel. I joined this fandom in the beginning of this year and tumblr was all about Nesta and Rhys and yes, Az and the ship war (I was obsessed with Feysand). But now that I'm paying attention to his character... I can't enjoy him and I'll explain you why. Yet, I do think he has a very interesting backstory and I would definitively read his heal arc; he's a good guy we all know that, otherwise he wouldn't be in the IC (some people may disagree on this lmao).

"He has never forced himself on Mor." True, but he reminds her of his feelings and that it's always there. I don't know about you, anon, but for me it would be creepy to have a guy pining after me and just... don't get the hint that "heeey we don't have a chance". Mor want to be his friend, but Az was hopeful that her feelings for him would be somehting more in the five centuries that they live together. Also, I don't think he'd loved Mor, maybe for a few years, but then what was supposed to be love turned to be an obsession. I can't with it; it brings me weird feelings.

Anyways, others reason for me to dislike him:

The way the fandom portraits him; as you said, a sexual object. Yeah, falf of my frustration is about the fandom and not the character itself. The things I see people saying about him is how sexy and misterious he is and a idead of how Azriel is like. I didn't read fics or headcanons about him to say that there is a fanom Azriel, but I don't doubt that there is; not when I see people saying that his POV was so OOC (we don't even know the guy). So, I don't want to be associated to this Azriel idea.

He is quiet, he doesn't show his opinion frequently and when he does, he tries to leave as the good guy. I can't connect with it. I used to spend most of my time playing video games with people like Azriel. I'm not saying that he'll be quiet and then say something disgusting, but the impression he gives to me is something like that. It's awful to think that a guy is cool, like "yeeeeh we're having a good time together" and then the guy says "oh but not all men" or "but you're a woman!"

He's sad and need therapy and, nonnie, the amount of "exposed" on twitter that I saw because of it. There are real people thinking that sad boys are sexy and all those stuffs and I can't with it. I see this same situation with Azriel; everybody hype him because he's misterious and good-loking, but he have such heavy traumas and don't know how to deal with it. It's the same situation that happaned with Tamlin and I don't want Azriel to become a Tamlin 2.0 (can you imagine how Feyre will feel specially if Elain becomes a Feyre 2.0?). I want Azriel to heal first and then go after his LI.

He has angry issues.

Now about his sexual thoughts.. I don't think people disliked him for imagining Elain in a sexual way. Everyone (I think) has sexual thoughts and, as you said, it's ok!! It's normal and common and health!! Thing is: he only thought on Elain in a sexual way while it seems that he wanted to build a relationship with her.

I think people started changing their opinion about Azriel because of the redflags that there are in his POV. He only thought about her as a pretty face and a way to find true hapiness with love. He didn't see her. We all know that a relationship like that is unlikely to work, so people got careful about it.

And this situation of him being "freak in bed" actually concerns me mostly because of how will SJM deal with it. But, as I said, I never undestood this hype that he got. I would love to see BDSM representation in the books (please don't make it as 50 shades) and I even have headcanons about it for Az, although it's just a slight and distant idea. What I do care about Azriel is his past and traumas and how he'll deal with it, not how handsome he is.

I hope you undesrtand what I meant, anon. If you disagree with me about anything that I listed feel free to call me out or other stuff, I'm always open to a debate, although half of what I said is my feelings for the concept that I have about the character and personal taste. And sorry about the long post 😅

#ask #anon #azizel

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nastasyafilippovnas · 3 years

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You know it’s really irritating but next season I feel like there will definitely be a scene where Anthony says I never really loved anyone before or I’ve never felt like this before. Mostly because in general romance novels there is no nuanced look at love there is just this this idea of one true love. It is often the man who is either a rake or player (modern) will say this as if all of a sudden they met the one perfect woman who suddenly fixes them and magically makes them learn how to love etc. I think it is definitely the fantasy of being able to gain the love and commitment of a man who everybody loves and wants. It makes the audience and main character feel special. (No hating I do love romcoms and romance novels, but this is very common).

I read TVWLM and no offence to fans who think otherwise but I definitely felt that the way it was written it implied both Kate & Anthony fixed each other. (You can still like a book and feel this way). Like this was true for all the other bridgerton books. I just feel it was slightly better written and nuanced. But still it was same old Kate was the catalyst for Anthony deciding to change/ face his fears and vice versa, Kate teaching him how to love, definitely acts as a therapist (he is literally the only one he tells about the trauma) etc. and tbh a lot of the trauma was glossed over by love despite what fans may say. It reminded me of 500 days of summer, where Tom thought he would meet the love of his life and he would truly began living and facing his fears. And I liked the book but it irritates me in romance novels it is only when the love interest comes along the main character is motivated to change. Even if they have a loving support system or friends it is ONLY when the true love comes along do they want to face their trauma e.g therapy (modern) or confessing. And it annoys me because in real life from what I have seen the change has to always come from the person. They look at themselves and say well I want to change I don’t like how I am living. Not because they meet someone they love romantically. (While love and support system helps it has to come from the person).

Tbh while I feel the show will probably go into Anthony’s trauma, I feel like the healing process will likely be motivated because he fell in love. I think that’s why romance in shows where romance is a side plot is often more romantic because characters have space to grow away from each other. And tbh I love the books but that is not what happens in any of the Bridgerton novels.

I am 99.9% certain that we're going to get a scene like that (with Anthony saying he never loved anyone before like he loves Kate). The show needs to establish she is his one true love, that he is choosing her because he wants to and that he is not settling for her because he can't have Siena. And the easier way to do that is to have a scene where Anthony talks about his feelings and goes, "I thought I had been in love before, but I never felt anything like this.", "This is what real love feels like." etc. It's either that or having Siena turn bitter/jealous against Anthony/Kate (like k-thony fans love imagining) and, not only that would be OOC, but also a stupid move on the writers, since I feel they intend to use her character later on.

About Anthony's trauma and TVWLM, I haven't read the book nor do I intend to, so all my opinions are based on what other people have told me and the few excerpts I managed to scroll by before deciding the book wasn't for me. I totally agree with you about how the needs to change/face your traumas needs to come from yourself. The first thing pretty much every therapist asks is, "why are you here? are you here because you want to?". Even if a romantic relationship is the catalyst for realizing you need to change, it has to be you to make the change, not one person can fix the other.

Having said that, it's interesting to see how the show will deal with this storyline because I don't think Anthony's traumas in the tv series and the book are the same. I think in the show everything Anthony does is related to his father's death, to this overwhelming need to be as good as he was, to do his duty and provide for his family. And yes, he feels like he is running out of time, but I never got that he was particularly "afraid of dying" or thought he would die early like his father and that's why he doesn't want to love. Idk, it might make sense but it feels like a big leap.

In any case, it would bother me a lot if Kate was the only one he talked about it on the show (i mean, everything will bother me, but still). I thought we would get some Anthony/Simon conversations about it, because Simon knowingly pushes all of Anthony's buttons during s01 and only realizes Anthony loves Siena in the last scene, so he felt like the ideal person for Anthony to talk to about his feelings. And, besides that, I feel like we're entitled to a Violet/Anthony confrontation because so much of his struggle comes from trying (and failing) to be the son she wants.

In short, Kate helping Anthony through his trauma is fine, but no one person can fix the other and he needs to talk to his family and friends about it in order to truly face his issues, imo.

#anonymous #answered asks #bridgerton for ts #meta

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gra-sonas · 4 years

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In-depth interview with L’Odet

Michael is an actor based in Los Angeles. He's known for his work on The CW's "Roswell, New Mexico." The second season of Roswell dropped on Netflix this week. Photos by Davy Kesey for his Reflections series, a photographic pursuit of vulnerable, multifaceted, and deeply personal portraits.

CARIANN BRADLEY: What did your day to day look like filming the second season of "Roswell, New Mexico?" I know in our first chat together several months ago, you told me you tapped into your friend passing away this time last year. Can you explain to me your process?

MICHAEL VLAMIS: Season two of "Roswell" — it was crazy because so many things happened to me personally going into the season. A buddy of mine passed away; I recovered his body in the middle of an ocean after a freak boating accident . Friends and I were out in Panama, Central America, for a bachelor party and it went from the greatest time ever to one of the most wild experiences of my life. The kid that we lost was one of my childhood best friends.

That happened in May. Shortly after that, I tore my meniscus in my right knee, which is the third time I’ve done that, so I underwent surgery at the end of July. Once that surgery happened, I had to report to the set of "Roswell" about three days later. I couldn’t drive, so one of my roommates actually drove me out to Santa Fe — my roommate Roarke Anderson who I have lived with since college, we played baseball together at Chapman. And then I get out to the shoot and everybody is so worried about me because of my knee surgery. I’m limping and it’s hard for me to be standing on set or doing any physical contact and everybody is babying me so hard! I’m really bad at taking help. The "Roswell" cast and crew were so supportive, so helpful — they got me my own custom chair that I could sit in so my knee would heal quicker.

They were doing all of these things, going out of their way, and I don’t know if it’s a thing that I have — pride or ego or my stubbornness — but taking help from people, even when I need it, is tough for me. I was taking all of this help and then three weeks into shooting, the doctor said, “You can drive, but you don’t want to be hitting the break too hard; take care of your knee.” And on my way to set one morning, a priest turned right in front of me at a green light and I smoked this guy in my car; I totaled my car. He got knocked unconscious, but luckily he was okay, everything worked out — he was healthy, he got taken away from the scene but was able to walk away from the hospital and was doing fine. Right at that time, I was really just feeling the death of my friend, the knee surgery, the car accident — meanwhile, Max, my brother in the show, played by Nathan Parsons of course, is dead in the series.

So, while all of this is going on, I keep channeling my buddy and that horrific incident because it felt like if anything was gonna come out of that — he was a big supporter of my career, always telling people I was acting — I felt like I could do justice to my friend’s death, I could make a positive out of such a negative, and that’s what I did. I really tried to channel him and look to him between scenes and bring that for the loss of my brother in the show.

And, to be honest, I felt like I went too deep into that and it really caught up to me. A month and a half into shooting I just snapped one day. I remember the hair stylist on set all of the sudden told me that The CW thought the right side of my hair wasn’t as curly as it normally is, so they started curling my curls on set and, it’s so funny that that ended up being the last straw. Curling my curls made me feel like a helpless individual who just needed to be so pampered and taken care of and watched after and looked upon — and I didn’t feel like my own person. I ended up saying a dick comment to our hair stylist, who I love and really respect and appreciate, but in that moment I snapped and I got all teary-eyed and she was like, “Dude, what’s going on?” And I gave her a big hug and I’m like, “I’m sorry, this isn’t about you at all,” and I went to my trailer and I wrote a poem and I kind of got out everything I was feeling. From that moment on, which was about six weeks into shooting, I felt better. I had a little bit of a relief. And then, luckily, Max comes back to life halfway through season two and my big episode, episode five, when I channeled my buddy the most was a very tough experience. But once that was over I was able to let the passing of my friend go for a while and everything normalized, but that was everything just on set! You just get so focused on doing your best work that you kind of drive yourself insane.

C: Even just from talking to you the first time we chatted for l’Odet, you just seem like the most productive person ever. How do you take care of yourself? Especially when you’re exerting that much of yourself creatively. Do you do therapy or do you just depend on your support system?

M: I think that changes. At one point in my life it was meditation. I actually meditated for the first time this morning since February because I’ve been feeling so strange lately in the pandemic, right? It’s been ups and downs and I was feeling like I needed a little bit more calmness in my life. I know that I’m a person that really likes control and I like things the way they are and me having a grasp on things — it’s little things. I have a driveway that we park all five of the cars of the house and the cars are parked just back to back to back, so if you’re the first one in, you have to go to your roommates and say, “Hey guys, I have to do a car shuffle, I have to leave,” and it can be an inconvenience for people to go move their cars for you to get out. When I’m meditating and my mind is very relaxed, that doesn't bother me, but I’ve been noticing lately that I don’t want to park in the driveway because I’m gonna get stuck, but at a time like this? When I don’t have to go anywhere, I don’t have to be anywhere, why am I thinking about being stuck? What is going on right there? Why do I need this control again? This feeling of absolute freedom whenever I want when I can achieve that freedom mentally with my car being in the driveway. Little things like that make me realize that I need to get back to centering myself, so I’m going to start meditating again every day, because you asked what I do for my mental health — to be completely honest, I don’t really take care of myself that much!

I’m just kind of a go, go, go person and I like pushing myself. I look at life like a big video game; the more levels I can beat, the more fun it is, but eventually, you get tired of the game and you have to step back so I’m going to try to be putting meditation back into my life. Aside from that, I’ve been reading way more during the pandemic. I’ve read three books, "The Little Prince" is one of them; it’s a children’s book, but you can call it that! I read a book! I’ve read like three books which is more than I’ve read all through "Roswell" because I was just so occupied with writing, so that’s been helping me take a step back and unwind. Aside from that, I need pointers! I need to figure out what taking care of myself actually looks like, because it is peaks and valleys when it comes to my mental health.

C: It seems like you're always working, even when you're not shooting. You're a bit addicted to work, maybe?

M: I think so. I think I’m addicted to accomplishing things that I don’t even think I should be able to accomplish. The people that fascinate me are the Donald Glovers of the world. The guys, and women, who you hear they did something and you’re like, “How?!” How did they make a hit album, a hit TV show, act in all these movies, write for a TV show — all these things that just don’t seem feasible, but he accomplished them! I want that. I like that. I like being the person who is always pushing to just be outside of their comfort zones and accomplish something that was a dream at one point in your life that could turn into reality. I’m really fascinated by that whole process or turning dreams into reality.

C: I think people our age can get really discouraged if one thing doesn’t work out and for a person to be able to keep going, for it to only motivate them more — I think that’s probably a superpower.

M: Superpower or just a big ego! It’s one of the two. Ego is something that I’ve thought about heavily. I’ve blown relationships in the past because of ego, I think my acting work five years ago wasn’t good because of ego. Then you get stripped down, you get beaten down by life, and you get a little more comfortable with the uncomfortable and I think that’s where the best work comes from. For me, yeah, I think I just really like pushing myself. I do see life like this video game, so if one door closes, you don’t put the game down, you don’t all of a sudden stop playing, no, you keep playing in order to beat it! And sometimes that might mean buying the cheat code book or asking a friend how to beat this level or whatever it is, but those little things to figure out how to get past what you’re stuck with — I love those moments. I love getting through something that doesn’t seem like something I can accomplish.

C: Yeah, and something I wrote down, actually, was that from watching "Roswell" season two, I feel like your character is very jaded and he almost needs stuff proven to him to believe that good things can happen. Which makes sense because of all the shit he’s been through and all the trauma that he’s experienced in his life, but were you ever like that personally? Even after this really traumatic experience happened with your friend, are you more jaded because of all these things that have happened in the last year?

M: You know what? No, I’m not. Maybe I should be but, no. I have a tough time living life without leaving my heart on my sleeve and being vulnerable. I think the beauty is in vulnerability, and I admit that I’m not always good at that. I’m actually realizing I’m really bad at that when it comes to relationships with a woman that I may love. It can be very hard for me to say exactly what I want or what I’m feeling. I don’t know why that is exactly, but when it comes to anything else in life, I can say anything I want, anything I’m feeling — I could spill my guts to the cashier at a gas station and I can be okay with that and who I am. So, no, not jaded. The experience that I had with my friend passing, that has just made me more aware, right? Just knowing that accidents like that, freak accidents, like what happened to him on a boat in the middle of Central America at a time where you didn’t think you had a care in the world — that can be flipped on its head in a second. So, just kind of knowing that and that might mean me looking across the street, left and right an extra time, but just kind of learning from every experience but still moving ahead as if I’m just this kid in this world for the first time, soaking everything in. And if I get hurt, that’s just a part of the process. Me being a masochist for my art, because the more I get hurt in real life, the better my art is. It’s kind of a weird balance. If I wasn’t an actor, maybe I wouldn’t feel that way, but I’ve always been this way even before I started acting in my senior year of college. So, that’s tough. I don’t think I’ve been like Michael Guerin, though, where I’m just reaching for answers all the time. I, in the past, prove to myself that I’m a good person or I’m wanted or that I actually can find success in the things I love. It’s just put the hard hat on and go to work and keep plugging away.

C: Interesting. I think that you have really done a good job of truly just drawing on those experiences then, because you really portray that through Guerin really well. I mean, he’s just so different than you which, I mean, is how acting is supposed to be, I guess, right? [Laughs] I guess I don’t know too much about acting.

M: No, definitely! And maybe we even talked about this in the last interview, but I was always so surprised that Carina MacKenzie, our showrunner, said that, as an actor, I am the most different in real life than I am as my character. It kind of blew my mind! I feel like I am Michael Guerin! I feel like everything Michael Guerin does is exactly how Michael Vlamis would react in a situation, but the difference is, when it comes to acting, the truth I’m bringing is under the circumstances of Michael Guerin. So, what he’s going through is exactly how I would react in those situations, but I’m just not in those situations because that’s not how I think or operate in my life! But if I was to do that, then that is what you would get. So, it doesn’t feel that far off for me because I have all those things in me, that is who I am, a lot of those feelings of anger or jealousy or the feeling of not being loved or proving yourself, being wanted. I have all that stuff, it’s just not coming out on a daily basis because, in life, I like to keep things light for the most part — I like to make jokes all the time, but, deep down, I’m a very serious person who's had to work on anger issues in the past and had to really find balance in how I react to certain situations. The beautiful thing about Guerin is that I can just be the worst parts of me. I can put that on screen because that’s interesting to watch, you know?

C: I’m interested to see you in other stuff. I’m interested to see if your biopic gets made and stuff too, I haven’t seen you in anything else. Or write anything, you know?

M: Well, a lot of people haven’t, which is so funny to me, because I have been doing self-tape auditions right now for movies that are trying to be cast and no idea when production is going to happen, but people are trying to do virtual auditions, trying to fill their cast so that they can go shoot once this pandemic is over. A lot of things I’m auditioning for are comedies, but people are like, “Can he do comedy?” Which is so funny! Comedy is my bread and butter. Comedy is probably what I do better than anything, but people don’t know me as that! They knew me as that initially and that’s why I couldn't even get an audition on "Roswell," because I was the comedy guy, and now I’m, like, the dramatic guy. [Laughs] You always have to prove to people and make them see that you can't be put in a box. It will be very cool for the world to see me acting in other projects and, actually, my first feature film that I produced and starred in called “Five Years Apart” just picked up a distribution deal through an amazing distributor and in the states. We’ve got sales happening in foreign markets right now; we’ve locked up like three territories out of seventeen worldwide and this movie is very special to me. It’s an indie dramatic comedy, pretty much about two estranged brothers coming together over a wild weekend and a very specific incidence happens that forces them together and it’s very funny. It’s a really fun movie. It was a thirteen-day shoot in LA.

C: Wow! That’s not long at all!

M: No, no! It was very quick. We didn’t have a lot of money, you know? A lot of people said that we couldn’t make the movie for double of what we ended up making it for. Everybody who said that to us, these were line producers who have done big, successful movies, and were just doing us a favor with budgeting, and it comes down to that video game mentality again. Oh, you think I can’t make for this much? Okay, watch me make it for half of that and still do a good job! I don’t know, that might be the whole pride aspect — stubbornness, ego or whatever, but I’m very proud of this movie. We won best ensemble cast at the LA Indie Film Fest last year where it premiered and then we recently picked up distribution. Once this pandemic is over that movie should hit screens, hopefully a few theaters, and then some of the streaming platforms. People will see me in a totally different role than Michael Guerin.

C: I can’t wait to see it, that sounds awesome.

M: And then, for the writing, the Mac Miller biopic was the first dramatic screenplay I wrote. It’s funny that the drama that I write gets my writing partner and I all the meetings. We’ve met with some major companies since that script made The Black List, but all the other projects we have are all big studio comedies. We’re even about to finish, here in the pandemic, writing my next movie. We’re about 75% done with that and we’ll have a mob action comedy done within the next few weeks.

C: Oh my god! You’re so productive; it’s insane. It’s so amazing.

M: I just go, go, go, you know? I don’t know if it’s very healthy but it excites me. I live for the excitement. I live for the thrill. I live for the unknown. I was talking to my mom the other day and, I didn’t even know this story, but I guess when we were kids, my sisters and I — if I wanted something, my mom, even before I could really speak, was talking to me, asking questions. She was trying to get me to figure out what I wanted or how to get through a certain situation. If I had a problem with homework and I took it to her, she wouldn’t just do it for me or even just teach me how to do it, she would really push me to figure out how to do it myself. So, I think this feeling that I have really stems from those early days of always having to figure things out on my own. Of course, she would help me if I really, really needed it, but she always made me figure stuff out on my own and I take a lot of pride in that. I like doing that. I don’t know, maybe that’s where the productivity comes or maybe it comes from just not feeling like I’m ever really enough. I don’t actually know, but I know I’ve felt that in certain parts of my life, but I think I’m over that. Yet, the productivity remains.

C: And you can be proud when you make things because you’re actually doing the shit yourself. You’re actually self-made. You didn’t get this stuff handed to you.

M: Yeah, and also, don’t get me wrong, all the work that I do — these are my hobbies. What I do for a living are my hobbies, so I don’t think of it as productivity. I think of it as, this is what I need to do every single day. If I’m not doing something, I feel useless. I’ve had those bouts, and I don’t know if that’s healthy or maybe that is just me. Maybe I am just a born storyteller, that’s what I like to do. I like to sit around with friends, tell stories, hear their stories, figure out the little details that made that story so interesting, and then move on to the next story.

C: I mean, I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong or bad to have a lifeline, especially in a time like that. It’s necessary; it’s what keeps us going.

M: Exactly. At the beginning of this quarantine, we were not writing, we were just figuring out our lives — what are these next few months going to look like? I was depressed. Then we started diving into this script every day and, all of a sudden, I have this purpose again. That keeps me going. That’s definitely helpful for my mental health.

C: I feel similarly about projects. I think I do tie a lot of my self-worth into success or self-defined success which isn’t always great, but it keeps me hustling. I’m never just sitting around like, “Oh, what am I gonna do?” I’m doing the shit that’s in my head and I want to make it happen.

M: There’s something very fulfilling about that.

C: I don’t have sympathy for people who just sit around and don’t know how to start living your life.

M: I know! I used to be that way even more but over the years I’ve realized that people didn’t have parents like I had. My dad was very tough on me, but always pushed me to be the best version of myself — both my parents did. Were my dad’s ways the best ways to do it? I don’t know. If you tell a lot of people how my dad was, they might think there’s some problems there, but guess what? It worked for me. I think about it as these other people who maybe aren’t feeling the same way as I am about productivity, whatever it may be, maybe they didn’t have the drive instilled in them from their parents. Immediately they’re at a disadvantage. It’s hard to judge somebody without knowing exactly how they were raised because I’m really realizing as I get older that that has defined who I am so much.

C: That’s true.

M: I don’t know. I mean, I’m 30 years old now. I turned 30 during the quarantine. I’ve experienced loss in a different way. Swimming up to a body floating in the ocean that you think you’re going to turn over and it’s going to be your buddy just making a goof! Just messing around. Pretending he’s floating in the water and then you turn him around and you realize this is way more serious that I thought it ever could’ve been. Living through a moment like that just makes you feel more and more. A lot of people take a step out of their body and they stop feeling because they don’t want to be heartbroken again or hurt. I’m a little bit the other way.

I kind of step up a little more. I think that getting so deep into that story — it’s a weird story to tell, but when my buddy died in Panama, I was the one that found him. I was an all-state swimmer as a kid in elementary school! Like, fifty-yard freestyle! I was very fast. So I’m thinking to myself, okay, he’s in the water, I’m probably the most capable of saving him, should something actually be wrong. I dove overboard into the ocean and swam as fast as I could into a pool of blood. I found my buddy and it was not a pretty sight. We got his body back onto the boat, got him to the hospital on the island, which looked like a rundown motel in East Hollywood, and he didn't have a chance. And then it’s this group of ten guys, some of us have been best friends forever, some of us just meeting for the first time because, maybe, college friends are involved and invited instead of just the high school buddies that grew up together. How these ten guys banned together and were there for each other to contact the family back in the states, let them know what happened, and go to the U.S. Embassy in Panama, talk to the authorities, the police, the doctors, and really step up. It’s just been an amazing, horrible experience — something I wish on nobody.

But it opened me up a lot and surprised me, especially with my buddies from the Southside of Chicago who I would never, ever in a million years thought would go to therapy. Those are the guys that make fun of therapy, right? Even I did at one point growing up. I thought, therapy? Who needs therapy? And then you go and you realize it’s a really healthy thing! I was really ignorant for thinking anything less than how important it is. But those guys are in therapy now and it’s helping them and I thought that that was such a cool thing to come from that experience. These masculine men who have kind of realized that it’s okay to actually be in touch with yourself.

C: Michael, I’m so sorry that that happened to you and it’s a tragedy that no one should have to experience, but I just want to say thanks for being open about it and being willing to talk with me about it. What you’ve learned from it and how you’ve turned it around and used it in your life and in your art is really beautiful.

M: Thank you. I know my buddy would be very proud, if he’s watching or listening, knowing that I try to make the most out of a horrible situation. That was a lot of what was on my mind during the photoshoot for this and the year anniversary just came up. Sometimes I tell that story and laugh. Such a horrific story but I’m laughing because it doesn’t even seem real! Then I go on a socially distant photoshoot on a trail in the middle of nowhere with Davy; when he asked me about it, it caused me to kind of dive into myself and how I’m feeling. I think a lot of those feelings about my buddy…they didn’t go anywhere, you know? No matter how much I mask them, they didn’t go anywhere. I think a lot of that came in the photos that he took. [Davy] definitely has a special touch for getting the truth out of people.

C: I’m honored that you talked to me about it and that I’m gonna get to show these photos on my website. I’m really thankful and I appreciate you.

M: I appreciate you! I love your interviews, they’re always my favorite. The most raw, organic conversations we can have are what I like and that’s what you do. I appreciate that.

C: Thank you for saying that.

M: Of course.

C: Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about while I have you?

M: I think I should thank anyone who’s reading this that has purchased merch from our second season merch line which just wrapped up a couple weeks ago — thank you so much. We beat our numbers from last year. I thought people maybe had enough merch out of me for once, but we crushed our numbers from last year in just a two week span!

C: That’s amazing.

M: It is so amazing! It’s so cool. I think it’s a big testament to my business partner Jesa Joy, who prints all of my merch and softens every single piece so it feels vintage, one of a kind. People got that merch and it could easily be a gimmicky thing, but instead, we’re really making quality clothes starting with Jesa Joy and that’s keeping people coming back. Hopefully, with how open I am on social media, I think that’s resonating with the fans and they appreciate that so the more I give, the more they give. It’s just this beautiful thing that’s setting me up to potentially have my own fashion line one day, maybe take it from merch to fashion, and that’s a goal of mine for many years down the road. The fact that all of my fans are so supportive and just totally understand my humor and what I’m doing means the world to me. It’s just a really cool thing to see and find success in. Otherwise, I pitched for that TV show, one of my childhood idols, one of the biggest comedic actors of all time, and we’re trying to get him attached to my show. He might say no and that’s totally okay because we got him laughing! He was laughing throughout our pitch yesterday and it felt so special. So, maybe, if we did this interview in a week, I’d have amazing news or maybe I would be bummed out because the guy doesn’t get attached to the show. Either way, it’s been experiences like that, little moments where you’re down, you’re out, you’re feeling depressed, and then you’re making a childhood hero of yours laugh over a zoom pitch. Moments like that have really helped me through quarantine — finding those small, little wins every now and then.

C: The wins are important.

M: And the win isn’t that you win! It’s not the outcome, it’s the process which I always thought was such bullshit. “Trust the process,” and I didn’t want to trust the process! I wanted to make the process! That’s not possible, you know? It’s only possible to a certain extent, you really have to let things play out as they want to and I’m finding the wins in letting things play out the way the universe wants them to.

#michael vlamis #mgv interviews #l'odet 2020 #mgv photoshoot #reflections series #davy kesey 2020 #long post is long

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bucky-s-girl-n-stuff · 5 years

Text

Everything that could happen in a week part.5

summary: you’re invited to the Thrombey’s Halloween party, by your friend Meg. Between old man being too handsy while drunk and the others having heated political arguments borderline racist, you manage to survive for a week thanks to a new acquaintance you make.

pairing: Ransom Drysdale x reader

warning: getting over the trauma of sexual assault, fake murder, mention of nudity, drug.

->part 1 -> part 2 -> part 3 -> part 4

Time at the Manoir was passing by quickly. I only had one day left. Harlan and Meg were doing everything they could to take my mind of what had occurred, and it worked. I fell into a routine with the two of them which consisted of going on walks and playing board games or even Harlan telling us bits of his new book. I was doing fine and my mindset was no longer negative. I even agree to go to therapy after Harlan brought it up again. I had only gone to two sessions so far but it did me good. I was back on track and I knew it wasn’t my fault. My attacker was in jail waiting for his trial and I found out I wasn’t his first victim which meant I wouldn’t have to go to make a testimony except if they lacked evidence. I had everything under control and was analysing the situation from outside. I felt like what had happened had made me stronger and I couldn’t help but see how it had made me a bit less introverted too. I talked more and even shared things from my past with Meg. It felt nice to have someone to talk to.

The only thing that was bothering me was Ransom. The second I got better he went back to his old self. He brought a girl home last night and I felt stupid to have imagined something serious could’ve happened between us. I couldn’t help to think about him though. Even if everything told me that it would never happen, the two of us, I still had hope. I knew it was all a facade and that he had shown me his true self. But we didn’t know each other well and I knew I wouldn’t be the one to change him. I scowled myself because he shouldn’t have to change himself for someone else. And I realised that I liked him no matter his behaviour.

For my last complete day at the Manoir, Meg and Harlan decided to organize a little game night inspired by the board game “Cluedo”. They took the murder party very seriously because they had invited back the rest of the family and everyone had to come in disguise. It was six o'clock and everyone had arrived. Nobody asked me how I was doing which was a relief but I was sure Harlan had something to do with it. Harlan was the victim because he had created the intrigue. Meg, Marta, Donna, Linda, Richard and Ransom were the accused. The rest of us, Jacob, Walt, Joni and I were the investigators. Harlan had provided us with a map of the house and where we could find every accused at the start (because they were allowed to move and hide any evidence during the investigation). I was off to a pretty good start, far ahead of the rest of the investigators. I had interviewed Meg three times as she was careful to drop only a part of the hints, each time. Marta was the easiest because she couldn’t lie so I only had to ask her one good question so she would spill everything she knew. Donna, Linda and Joni wasted my time by talking too much and even confused me more than once so I had to talk to each one of them at least four times. Richard seemed annoyed by the game and told me everything he knew without even me asking. I was one step away to confirm my theory about who had “murdered” Harlan. All I had to do was interview, Ransom. I searched on the map where he was, but of course, he was not in the room he was assigned to at the start. I started looking in every room of the house but couldn’t find him. I then remembered that he liked to go to the patio/balcony. I made sure no one saw me leaving the house and go up the stairs that lead to Ransom. Once upstairs, I saw him smoking a joint. It was exactly like the first time. The same position, the same look in his eyes. Once he saw me he smiled mischievously. “You found me” His signature smirk appeared on his face while saying that. “ I did” I answered, not moving. I was completely entranced by the man and I hated it. It was the first time I was attracted by a man and it had to be him. What was I doing… I didn’t know if what I felt was wrong or what it was exactly but I couldn’t help feeling it. “Where were you three hours ago when Harlan got killed?” “I was in my room.” “Joni confirmed that she saw you going outside.” “Well, she’s lying.” “I don’t think so. She has a very good alibi.” “Okay I went on a walk, is that a crime, detective…?” He said the last word propping himself up from the wall and stalked toward me, his smirk growing even more. “Why did you lie then?” I asked almost in a whisper as he was closing the distance between us. He stopped mere inches from me and leaned in. “Because I’m the one who killed my grandfather, detective” he whispered in my ear. I shuddered at his confession and the fact that I could smell his infamous cologne that was invading my head, made everything blurry and confused inside of me. I couldn’t think or process things as he was intoxicating me. I closed my eyes trying to think and clear my mind. When I opened them he was looking at me, no longer smiling or smirking. I couldn’t read his expression or even guess what he was thinking about. I looked down at my notepad where I had written down every clue I had obtained. My theory was valid and I just had to submit it to Harlan. I looked back at Ransom, still staring at me. “Thank you for your time,” I said before going back inside by the bay window this time. Once I was not in Ransom’s sight I leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. I realized that I was shaking. I gathered myself before going to the last floor into Harlan’s room.

When he saw me he immediately had a smile plastered on his face. “I knew you would be the first one! You’re too clever for this game.” He laughed. I smiled at his enthusiasm and sat on the bed next to him. “I didn’t even tell you who I’m accusing, I might be wrong you know..” “Nah, I’m sure you’ve got the right answer,” he said winking at me. “Okay… your killer is… Ransom?” I hesitated. “Ah! You’d be a great detective y/n !” I laughed at his comment and he joined me. We sat there going through my investigation. He told me He knew Joni would be the most difficult to talk to as she is a real chatterbox. We laughed some more at things I was told until Jacob got in the room. When he saw I was there, he screamed behind him telling everybody I had won and they could stop their investigation to which we heard grunts and relieved sighed.

Everyone was starting to leave. They whished me the best before leaving and we shared a few jokes about the game. I felt genuinely happy after this game night. “Thank you so much for tonight Harlan, I had so much fun. It was a perfect last night.” I said while hugging him as he was going to sleep. “You’re welcome y/n. Remember you are always welcome here. You are a part of this family. You even make it greater.” I was so touched by his words that I didn’t know what to say so I just hugged him again and wished him good night.

Meg and I had decided to continue the night in the living room with a bottle of white wine and some sushi. We were laughing and telling stories after stories. Before we knew it was pretty late and I had to drive tomorrow so we decided to call it a night. “Thank you Meg, you are a really great friend and I don’t deserve you. I love you so much..” I said while hugging her as I did with Harlan. “Aww, y/n stop or I’m gonna cry… You deserve the world and I love you more!” she exclaimed a bit tipsy. I laughed at her antics and put her in bed. As I was closing her door as quietly as I could. I heard the wood flooring crack behind me. I turned around scared by the sound and saw Ransom in front of his bedroom door. Apparently, he had tried not to make a noise so I wouldn’t notice him. His face emanated a guilty look. It was like deer caught in headlights. I walked toward him so I wouldn’t have to speak too loud. “I just wanted to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. You protected me and took care of me when I needed it the most. I owe you a lot, Ransom.” He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t quite decifer but I could see in his eyes that he was not indifferent to my words. As he was going to say something his bedroom door opened, and I saw a woman with only a robe to hide her naked body in the doorframe. “Oh sorry, I hope I wasn’t interrupting something…” she said. I looked at Ransom but he was looking down his eyes closed clearly embarrassed by me. I nodded at his lack of response and knew that I had imagined everything about him caring about me. “No, I’m sorry he’s all yours,” I said walking to my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I leaned against the back of my door and let out a sight. I could feel something inside my chest being torn apart. Was it my heart? I went to bed telling myself I’ll feel better in the morning and dozed off quickly. What I didn’t know was that Ransom had asked the girl to leave a few minutes after because he knew that I was the one he really wanted.

#Chris Evans #ransom x reader #Ransom #ransom drysdale #ransom drysdale x reader #ransom drysdale imagine #ransom drysdale x you #fanfiction #ransom thrombey x you #ransom thrombey fanfic #ransom thrombey imagine #Ransom thrombey x reader #Ransom drysdale fanfic

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ssidesblog · 4 years

Text

hand in unlovable hand

creativtwins, 2,746 wc, angst, ao3

cw: child abuse (physical and emotional)

roman and remus were partners in crime until their dad ruined it

At the age of 12, Roman found himself helping his brother sneak out of the house. This wasn’t something new, Roman was always willing to give a helping hand to Remus, even if it lands them in trouble. He admits it’s fun and when they don’t get caught a sense of pride fills him. They’d been partners in crime since they were old enough to walk and Roman didn’t plan on stopping their mayhem any time soon.

“Get me a Monster.” Roman says in a hushed tone and Remus rolls his eyes.

“Logan would tell you if you keep drinking those you’ll have heart problems by the age of 25.”

“Well it’s a good thing book nerd isn’t here than huh?” Roman said and placed the screen back on the window. “Be safe.”. Remus gave him a thumbs up and turned, walking to the nearby 7/11. Roman walked over to his bed, wrapped himself in his blanket, and sat on the floor. Late night trips to 7/11 was a common occurrence; Remus went to get snacks and drinks while Roman stayed home on the off chance their parents checked in on them. Remus started to go once they’d turned 12, to their parents that was old enough for them to start getting an allowance, and Remus would spend all his money on gas station junk food. Roman started to give him some money too, usually for a Monster, sometimes a Yoohoo if he was feeling less edgy. Remus always came back with a slushie (often just a mix of all of the flavors they had), candy bars, and an unholy amount of chips. Remus kept all of it in a drawer he designated as his ‘food drawer’, which Roman found disgusting as the candy often melted and the chips got crushed but to each his own.

The door to their room opened and Roman’s head snapped over to see his dad standing in the door frame. He quickly scrambled off the floor, tripping a little over the blanket but catching himself before he could actually fall.

“What on Earth are you doing awake?” He asked, quickly followed by, “Where is your brother?” in a tone of worry and anger.

“He, uh, went out.” Roman mumbled.

“At midnight?”

“Yes.” Roman said, shrinking in on himself.

“Where the hell is he?”

“He should be back soon.”

“That does not answer my question, Roman.” His voice boomed and Roman flinched.

“Oh fuck.” Roman heard the familiar voice of his brother. He and his father turned towards the window and there stood Remus, arms full of snacks, a slushie in one hand and a Monster in the other. Roman walked over and took off the screen, helping Remus climb back in through the window. He quickly set everything down on his bed and they turned towards their dad.

“And just how long has this been going on?” He asked.

“A few months.” Remus responded, kicking the ground.

“And you were in on this?” The question was directed at Roman.

“Yeah.”

“You both are grounded.” The two boys looked up at their father.

“Why?” Roman’s voice was louder than it needed to be.

“Because you both knew you shouldn’t have been doing this and have been hiding it for months, you’re lucky I’m not taking away your allowances.”

“What’s so wrong about what he was doing?” Roman asked.

“I was just going to the 7/11.” Remus added.

“Something could have happened!”

“But nothing has happened!” Remus argued. Their father took a step closer.

“Don’t talk back to me.” He warned. In a rush of confidence Roman spoke up.

“It’s not fair!” His father responded by connecting the back of his hand with Roman’s face. Roman stumbled back and lowered his gaze to the floor, tears pricking the back of his eyes. Remus walked over to him and wrapped an arm around him.

“You won’t talk back to me, now go to bed.” Their dad turned and shut the door. Roman buried his face in Remus’s shoulder and cried, Remus rubbed his back.

After that night, Roman didn’t help Remus with his scheming. Instead, he followed the rules their dad made and tried his best to become the perfect child. Every time he stepped out of line his dad reminded him why he needed to be good. Every time it hurt and he would go to Remus to cry. Remus had done the complete opposite, the perfect example of a problem child. He talked back and continued to sneak around. Each time his dad tried to beat into him the same he had done to Roman, but Remus was determined and spiteful. Roman always went to Remus after hearing an argument and did his best to cheer him up. Roman tried to stay close, but it started to get harder. Eventually, Remus switched into the room next door and it felt like he had put a divide between them, a clear message to Roman that he didn’t need him.

“You need to stop this, Remus.” Roman heard his dad as he walked out into the living room. Remus and him stood in the middle of it, arguing. Nothing new. Roman stood in the walkway, curiosity getting to him.

“I’m not even doing anything bad.” Remus argued back. What they were talking about, Roman had no idea. He saw his dad look over at him and then put his focus back on Remus.

“Why can’t you be more like Roman?” He practically pleaded. Roman tensed.

“Sorry I can’t be perfect!” Remus said and raised his arms, only for them to rest back at his sides. “I’m not going to change just because you aren’t enough of a father to do more than hit your kids when they’ve done something wrong.” Roman flinched as his dad pushed Remus to the ground.

“You will not talk to me that way.” He yelled, towering over him.

“Look how strong you are,” Remus stood up, “Congrats you can beat up your 13 year old son, aren’t you a macho man.” Remus turned and walked towards Roman.

“Get back here, niño.” His father said but didn’t attempt to walk towards them.

“You’re not gonna do anything?” Remus asked Roman. Roman stayed silent, his gaze wandering to the floor. “Remember when you used to stand up for me? Some fucking brother you are.” Remus said and pushed Roman out of the way with his shoulder. Roman stumbled a little and leaned against the archway. His dad made his way over.

“You’re just gonna let him treat you that way?”

Roman nodded.

“Your brother may be a pain in the ass but at least he has the balls to stand up for himself; you could learn something from him, Roman.” His dad shoved past him, probably to continue his argument with Remus. Roman stumbled over to the couch and huddled in on himself and cried. He stayed like that until his mom walked through the door and joined him on the couch and hugged him. Remus and his dad could be heard arguing still.

“Why is dad so mean?”

“I don’t know, mijo.” She said, petting his hair. Roman let himself calm down a little further, though he was still sniffling when he spoke.

“I just want my brother back, Mama.” His mom sucked in a breath. He heard her sniff and couldn’t bring himself to look at her cry.

“You will soon, mi príncipe.” She kissed his head and held him close, “I promise.”

By the end of 8th grade, their parents had gotten a divorce and their mom had gotten full custody of Roman and Remus. The house was a lot quieter without their dad around, and Roman never thought he would enjoy silence so much. Remus still resented his brother and Roman couldn’t blame him, but it still hurt seeing him get a faraway look in his eye, the only look on his face being one of pure fear or pure hatred every time Roman entered a room.

“Hey, Rem?” Roman opened the door to Remus’s room and poked his head in. Remus looked at him and quickly looked away. Even from the doorway, Roman could see him shaking.

“What?” Remus spit out. His voice was shaking, with anger or fear Roman couldn’t tell.

“Mama told me to come get you, dinner is ready.”

“Ok, now get the fuck out of my room.” Remus said, voice strained. Roman numbly nodded and walked out of his room, closing the door behind him. That was about the only way Remus interacted with him since their dad had left. Roman just wanted to talk to him again, joke around and laugh. Be brothers again instead of whatever they were now.

“Why does Remus hate me?” Roman asked his mom after another quiet dinner. She turned off the sink and faced her son.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“It feels like he does.” Roman said, voice quivering. His mom walked over and pulled him into a hug.

“I think you just remind him of your dad.”

“Am I that bad?”

“No, not in that way, mijo,” She pulled away and cupped his face, “Your dad often used you as an example of how Remus should’ve been. That isn’t your fault, but Remus made a connection between you and your father in his head. Just give him time.” She turned around and continued to do the dishes, leaving Roman to stand in the middle of the kitchen, wondering when the hell he would have his brother back.

Their mom made the executive decision to put Remus in therapy, which he had tried to get out of but he eventually complied. Dr. Picani would work with Remus to stop him from connecting Roman to his father and therefore his trauma. They worked all throughout freshman year and by the end, Remus had started interacting with Roman again, but he still had his days where even looking at Roman made him angry. Roman was just happy he could even look at him again.

At the start of sophomore year, Remus had a particularly bad day and snapped at Roman during lunch. He walked into 6th period drama with tears streaming down his face.

“Roman, do you need to sit out for today?” Mr. Sanders asked before class started. Roman looked at him and shook his head.

“Can I just skip warm up?” Roman asked, trying his best to not sob. Mr. Sanders nodded and had him sit in the back of the room; their class was set in a room off to the side of the theatre. Roman sat down in the back of the classroom while everybody else took a seat in the chairs that lined the front. Mr. Sanders started class and after a small warm up let everyone go off in pairs to practice for their scenes. Roman watched as his partner for the scene, Janus, walked over to him.

“You look miserable.” He said as he slid down the wall to join Roman in sitting on the floor.

“Can I at least be hot and miserable?” Roman mumbled.

“You can never not be hot,” Janus said.

“I appreciate the compliment but I still feel like hot garbage.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Janus asked.

“It’s stupid.”

“If you’ve been crying over it, I’m sure it’s not stupid.” Janus spoke gently.

“How do you know I’ve been crying?”

“Your eyes are red and puffy, and I can see the tear stains on your face.” Roman scrubbed his hands over his eyes.

“It’s just my brother,” Roman started, “We have a, uh, complicated history. And he went off on me today, it hasn’t happened in a while so it just, hurt, I guess.” Roman explained. Janus nodded along.

“Did you deserve it?” Janus asked, adding on, “From an objective standpoint.” Roman chuckled a little.

“You sound like my friend, Logan.” Roman said, “And I really don’t know, kind of?”

“Explain.”

“Some stuff happened a couple years ago, and I didn’t help him when he needed it most. It’s been years but I know it still affects him. I think he has a right to be angry.” Janus hummed.

“This stuff that happened to him, were you the cause of it?” Roman shook his head. “Then he shouldn’t take his anger out on you.”

“But-”

“Even if you didn’t do anything to help,” Janus interrupted, “I’m sure you had your reasons for it.”

“I guess. I just,” Roman paused, trying to find his words, “I just miss him.”

“I’m assuming he’s a lot different than before.”

“He’s more defensive, kinda on guard but not always. He gets like that around me at times and it just sucks. He’s my brother and I just want to be able to talk to him without tension building in his shoulders.” Roman said. Janus thought for a moment, then spoke, his tone soft.

“When I first met my step brother, we didn’t get along at all. He was reserved and built up these walls to protect himself from the unknown, in this case, I was the unknown, the monster under the bed. I had my own walls, and I didn’t make it easy to get along. There was always a tension when both of us were in a room together.

“For the sake of my mom, I started to interact with him. Without getting into detail, I’ll just say his father wasn’t a nice person. I had to learn what I could and couldn’t say, what movements would cause him to back away and which ones were ok. It took time, but eventually we started to get along. He slowly lowered his walls and I lowered mine. Now, I can’t imagine him not being in my life. Having him as a younger brother is one of the best things to happen to me.” Janus smiled and turned his gaze to Roman, “Show him you care and make an effort to understand his needs. I don’t know what happened exactly, but if it’s anything like what happened to V, I understand how hard it is to trust someone, even if it’s your brother. And if it’s a similar situation then I do not blame you for not doing anything, that’s a tough situation to be in.”

Roman stared at Janus in awe. He looked away from him and thought about what he’d said. Roman had made an effort to be there for him, maybe he was going about it wrong.

“I try my best to be better, but he never tries to see where I’m coming from. We’re different in a lot of ways and he has a hard time understanding that. He’s so himself in such a loud way, I just play it on the safer side, and he doesn’t understand why. My dad was also not kind, and for him to be kinder, I strayed away from being myself, my brother did not. He can’t understand why I let myself do that but I don’t want to bring up a sore subject. I just don’t know what to do.” Roman put his face in his hands, “Sorry this is such a heavy topic.”

“It’s ok, having this kind of conversation is necessary sometimes,” Janus said, “Are you older or younger than him?”

“We’re twins.” Janus widened his eyes at that.

“I can’t imagine he understands how you can be so different from him, then.”

“I just am.” Roman said, exacerbated.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I believe people get along better if they are fundamentally different. I just think your brother is confused. And angry. The best advice I can give is just be patient with him. Keep putting in the effort, don’t give up on him.” Janus said. Roman nodded.

“Thanks, Janus.”

“Of course, we still have half the period, do you want to pretend we’re doing the scene while actually just fucking around?” Roman laughed.

“Sounds like a plan, Jan.” Janus rolled his eyes at the nickname.

Roman knew he could never have the old Remus back, no matter how hard he tried. But he didn’t care, because all he wanted was to have his brother, who dragged him into his messes and Roman would go along without a second thought. Eventually, he would have that, but until then he was ok with the days where Remus could look at him, no trace of anger, and just smile.

#roman sanders #remus sanders #sanders sides #creativtwins #roman sanders angst #remus sanders angst #creativtwins angst #hs au #shitty dad gang #just like the inherent trauma of having a father #is this good ? no clue #this is definetly not my favorite thing ive written #i just needed to explain their past #so theres this #ill post my other fic later #bc theres also creativtwin angst in that #and i wanted context before yall read that

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percywinchester27 · 4 years

Text

@caughtaghostsomehow reblogged your post A lot like ‘Us’ (Part-26) and added:

I feel so goddamned sorry for Sam. He was ready to listen to Jess's advice and at least try to rekindle whatever he had with his wife but then Meg put this idea in his head that he's hurting her and he's not gonna let it go unless he hears from her lips that she wants him in her life. And who knows when that's gonna happen? She probably already noticed him being distant and she has no way of knowing what caused it so how would she even talk to him about it?

And poor Max... I know Sam feels awful with what he's doing to him but he feels it's necessary so that his wife and son don't end up even more hurt but holy shit it's really not going well. I know Max is hurting too and I definitely understand why he's angry with Sam. And Y/N is probably worried about the boy as well... She got a message telling her he's fine but come on... She's probably wondering what happened suddenly that Max didn't come visit. It's an all around messy situation with literally everybody getting hurt in the process.

Yeah, she’ll eventually notice... I mean there’s only so much Sam can do to keep them apart. She’s bound to get suspicious at some point. The problem is that everyone is going off half information here- for the reader it’s hard facts that she doesn’t know and in Sam’s case, it’s the emotions.

I was taken aback by 2011 Sam... His wife leaving changed him into a completely different person. I like how we get to see him notice that people are reacting to him differently but the fact he hadn't noticed before? I knew he was incredibly hurt when she left but fuck, this did him a lot more damage than I originally thought. He's so... Calloused. And sharp and intimidating. A real stereotype of a lawyer. Also... The fact he didn't do pro bono cases? You managed to convey so much about Sam in that period of time in only just a few sentences and it's incredible. I wonder what would've happened if he never met Max... If he'd stay this way or manage to overcome the pain he's been living with on his own.... Max really did save him.

This was what I was telling you about? Him becoming dispassionate and insensitive. And the only way to actually know you’ve become a heartless person is to see yourself through other people’s eyes. He wasn’t gonna wake up to some divine intervention telling him, ‘hey you’re a jerk now!’ Thank you so much for saying that! I thought that might be the best way to put forth how different he was because we’ve all seen him being so careful for James’s pro bono and it was an independent case.

Hmmm... I’ve given it some thought and I think he’d let his anger for the reader fester any more than that, and he hadn’t found Max when he did, maybe the change would have been permanent. If he’d met her later in life, instead of the anger he was feeling at the beginning of the series, he’d have felt utter contempt and hatred. Now THAT would have been angsty :P

A brief mention of Chase because I like him more and more with every chapter 😁 I can see why Sam and him became friends. And Stacy! She seems genuinely lovely, I feel so sorry that she had to deal with Sam's mood swings.

Hahahaa I like how everyone (my beta, that is) saw all that chaotic good energy went like, ‘Yep! Checks out! That’s definitely Chase’ I mean you guys don’t even have a doubt! Yup, Stacey is pretty cool. There’s very little of their interaction outside of the memories, but, it all adds something to the story.

I had a feeling that Max never really had proper parents but this still hurt to read. The fact that a maid cared for him because no one else would... And he was literally hiding in the closet when his parents were murdered. They didn't deserve that title but still, I'm so glad he didn't actually see it happen or find their bodies... Poor baby.

Max has gone through so much in such a short life I had to stop and take a breather while reading. No wonder everyone falls in love with him when they meet him, he's such a sweet boy despite all the pain life brought him. I'm so glad he found a real family in Sam... They really ended up saving each other.

No, he didn’t. Sam’s right about that bit- how Max had no clue what parents were supposed to be like. He had to go through extensive therapy, but because he was that young, he didn’t understand a lot of the emotional trauma he experienced (thank God!) only the physical trauma became an instinct. And yeah, it’s actually good that he was ignored, because otherwise he’d have been in that room and either seen the murders or worse.

I think that bit brought down Sam more than anything from his callous high. That a kid that small, having suffered through so much bullshit could still be that nice... he was an adult with sensibilities. I’m glad they ended up finding each other, too! He’s been a pleasure to write.

That moment when Sam saw the emptiness in Max's eyes and almost had a panic attack... Jeeze that hurt. I know he had his wife before his eyes when he saw that little boy's expression and the fact that he had this visceral of a reaction remembering that time? My heart is breaking. I wonder if Y/N was already working then... Or where she was in life. I have my own head canons about that but I'll only tell you if we don't end up finding out a bit about her past too 😁

I also love how Sam interacts with Max. I love that he treats him with kindness and speaks to him gently but doesn't dismiss his intelligence. He can clearly see the boy is incredibly clever.

You caught that, huh? ;) You smart, smart girl! I was contemplating whether to refer to the reader explicitly in that part, then let it slide. I mean, sure he could go off being the heartless lawyer, but it’s because he is hurting SO much inside and burying it. One time he slipped and allowed himself to remember, the pain was staggering.

Ummm I think the reader was in college for Pre-law in Texas and working part-time. I think. We’re not getting anymore of the reader’s backstory... just a vague timeline of her academic/ professional achievements. You’re free to spin your own headcanons. They’ll probably be more on point than mine XD

I don’t know much about parenting, but I do believe that’s how you should treat kids- with respect. Maybe Sam’s attitude as a dad was what helped Max heal the most.

So this is probably why it became his favourite book, huh? I wonder how many times Sam read it to him. Something in my heart definitely tightened when Sam had to stop reading cause the last time he probably opened that book was when he read it to his wife... Oh that hurts.

I breezed through this chapter, Ana, I need more like now 😫😂

But seriously, I loved it so so so much. I'm so happy were getting to see more of Sam's life after she left and Max's story. I can't wait for the next chapter, I wanna know everything 😁❤❤❤

Yep yep yep! Nothing there is coincidence. Sam didn’t remove the book from his phone cause he just couldn’t bear to do it. And Max probably started associating the book to the first safe place he’s ever known- Sam presence. Also, YOU CAUGHT THAT! Sam’s pause! You’re in MY HEAD! While you’re there, please help me with that design brief as well :P

THANK YOU SO MUCH, Ria! I swear your reblogs add years to my design brief ridden life. Next chapter is a slightly bigger bomb ;) I can tell you now that you’ll like that one, too, if you liked this!

I love you so much <3

#Ana loves Ria #Ana replies #thank you soooo much #love for Allu #allu 26 #q

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samclownchester · 4 years

Text

The day is June 15 2020

The time is 3 am

The situation is that the world has fallen into a pandemic of Covid-19, and my job closed down in March, leaving me with lots of time on my hands. Despite my doubts, I fell back into Supernatural, deep into it, and I am now rewatching it. I thought it would be fun to try and see how much I could remember from earlier seasons before I watch them all

I have watched up to 1x14 at this point, so those episodes are fresh in my mind, but lets see what else I remember

Season 1

“Dad’s on a hunting trip, and he hasn’t been home in a few days”

“Saving people, hunting things, the family business”

Sam’s girlfriend dies just like his mom did

Their dad is the point of the season but is only actually in like 3 episodes

Sam and Dean break up but get back together

Sam has VISIONS and moves things with his MIND

Meg is a demon, Sam has a bit of a crush on her

They find their dad, but don’t kill the demon

colt

Season 2

Dean dies in a car crash, John sells his soul for him and dies

Bobby Singer is best dad

Ellen and Jo and Ash exist

Purple Nurple

Gordon?

Lots of psychics! Sam can make friends??

Jk, it’s the hunger games

Sam gets stabbed in the back

Dean sells his soul for him

They kill Azazel I think??

“I have … demon blood in me?”

Season 3

Saving Dean from his demon deal

Groundhog day episode where Dean dies everyday

Gabriel?? (trickster)

Blonde Ruby (let’s hear it for Laurel Lance!)

Very short because there was a writers’ strike that year

Hell hounds

Season 4

Dean was “gripped tight and raised from perdition” by Castiel

Sam has a new gf! (Surprise, it’s Ruby in a new body! :o)

Why does she pretend to not know Dean when he first shows up? Is she lying to Sam about who she is this whole time?? Hmmm I wish I remembered

Time travel?? (Sam doesn’t get to come ☹ )

Demon blood

Demon blood detox ☹

Let’s kill Lilith

“Because it had to be you Sam”

“The boy with the demon blood”

Season 5

Dean is the Michael sword

Sam is messed up, trying to quit demon blood

Cas rebelled, and he did it, all of it, for Dean

Adam Winchester is a person who exists

Also I think this is the season with Jesse the antichrist who never shows up again it’s fine.

He only existed so they could have important conversations about nature vs nurture which honestly they should’ve just saved from when Jack was born but they didn’t know that was gonna happen

More time travel??

Future

Cas likes drugs

Team Free Will

Samifer

Fall into the cage

Dean goes to live with Lisa and Ben

The end?

Season 6

Cas is working with Crowley and spying on Dean but not talking to him like the pining idiot that he is

Dean can’t help but inspect monster happenings in town

Soulless!Sam

Dean finds Soulless Sam

Hanging out with some old dude?

Get Sam’s soul back

Meet Death?

Find out Cas is working with Crowley

O: Ultimate betrayal

???

Season 7

Leviathans

Godstiel?? Why?? Idr

Hallucifer

Please give Sam therapy

Sam goes to an asylum

Cas takes Sam’s trauma??

More leviathans

Dick?

Charlie!

Kevin!

Garth? Did we know him before. Idk, we know him now

Dean and Cas go to purgatory!

When does Cas die and walk into the lake? That’s before they go to Purgatory, right? Hmmmm but how does he come back

Cas is Emmanuel and has a wife? Is that in this season?

Season 8

Dean gets out of purgatory!

But no Cas

Sam had a girlfriend and a dog! Nice!

Not nice, he ignored Kevin and didn’t look for Dean

Like they agreed on, but whatever ok sue him for trying to be happy

Dean has a vampire boyfriend

Not so high and mighty about killing every monster are we now, huh Dean?

Right? I don’t remember, this is a conversation that happens though

He does end up killing Benny though, doesn’t he? huh

Cas is back from Purgatory! But he’s got Secrets ™

“I’m gonna become a hunter”

Then he stays in the old folks home and next time we see him he’s all wacky and likes to watch the bees?

Megstiel

You’re just playing sorry

Am I right?? I don’t remember, but all of this happens at some point

Who even is the big bad? What are we fighting? Idk

Oh we have to save Kevin from Crowley and he reads the demon tablet. Only eats hotdogs, doesn’t shave. I love him please keep him safe.

Spoilers, they don’t

Right! The trials, Sam does the trials, they “purify” him

The angels fall, but Sam doesn’t complete the trials and almost dies.

Season 9

Sam almost dies, Dean is like “right, nonconsensual possession is clearly the best answer for this”

Human!Cas, he drinks lots of water. Steve.

§ “you can’t stay here” :o

Abaddon I think?? What was the point

Crowley is sort of our friend now and I think we meet Rowena? Idr

Kevin dies ☹

“What is the upside to me being alive” – Sam

§ Maybe in this season, maybe not. Who knows?

Cas is a cannibal (eats grace) and becomes and angel again at some point

§ Hannah exists

We all hate Metatron

Cain??

Metatron stabs Dean and Sam puts his dead body on the bed

Demon!Dean

Season 10

Demon!Dean and Crowley are living it up!

Sam and Cas try to cure Dean

Charlie and Rowena interact a lot I think

Book of the Damned

When did they find the bunker? Men of Letters? All that? Idr, anyway they have it at this point

Dean kills lots of people

Charlie dies ☹

Dean blames Sam which is unfair and I hate it

They get the mark off and The DarknessTM is release

Season 11

The Baby episode exists

Really weird sexual tension between Dean and Amara while she’s still kind of a child, no one knows why. Please stop.

Cas gets called expendable and then makes poor life decisions

Lbr, though, Misha is the only other one who can play Lucifer with the same spirit as Mark Pellegrino. Sorry Jared, it’s the truth.

Eileen!! <3

Chuck is God :o

Let’s kill Amara!

Except we don’t kill her, she just needs to bond with her bro.

Here, have your mom back

Season 12

Mom????

British Men of Letters

Lucifer F*cks

Boy I didn’t think this would turn into what it did, let me tell you

Winchesters escape from Federal Prison

Cas says “I love you”

But like, the plural you. No homo.

Sam admits he lost his drive to lead, then finds it again and leads hunters against the dang brits! Hooray!

Oh shoot Lucifer wants custody of his kid!

FIGHT

Fatality – Castiel

Fatality – Mary

Oh no wait she didn’t die she’s just trapped.

Season 13

Jack jack jack jack jack

3 dads, all at various levels of dadding

Actually 2 excellent dads, one dad who is too emotionally damaged to dad but he tries sometimes

Yeah Cas pisses of a cosmic entity. That won’t come back to bite him

Jack just wants to be good

Wayward sisters was not picked up which sucks

Apocalypse world

Rowena is our friend now

Custody Battle!!! Who wins? Not Lucifer

We saved the day! And a ton of people

Literally they made a whole deal of the people being like “We won’t leave our home or our cause” and then they got back to Sam and Dean’s world, didn’t have archangel grace and were just like “meh, actually this place is cool. We don’t have to worry about going back”

Psych! We’re not done yet! Luci wants his kid

And Michael wants his planet

Season 14

Michael! Dean

Jack dies

But it’s ok, we fixed you, just don’t use your powers

Oh shoot he used his power

Nick is somehow alive

In love with Lucifer

Burn his ass!!

Oh Mary disapproves

RIP Mary

RIP Dean being a father, now he’s gonna murder

Hi Chuck, nice of you to show up

Oh no.

Season 15

Chuck sucks

Dean and Cas break up ☹

Sam has visions again

But he’s not psychic, it’s just the piece of his soul inside Chuck

Resurrect your girlfriend! Yeah!!

Jack is eating hearts, but it’s ok, Death told him to do it.

Garden of Eden?

Get your soul back boy!

And cry

Honorable mentions (Aka these happened but idr when)

Sam falls in love with a werewolf and then has to kill her and MAN Jared really brought the tears

AU where Supernatural is a TV show

Finding out Supernatural is a book series and the author is Chuck!

Crowley becomes helpful mostly

Crowley has a son??

Meet grandpa

Ellen, Jo, and Ash die

Bobby dies

literally everybody dies

Kill Hitler

They meet that Jewish guy with the Golem who pretended to flirt with Dean at some point.

Jimmy Novak was a devout man who deserved a lot better than he got

Claire Novak is so cool

She moves in with Jody

When do we meet Jody? She’s just always kinda been there?

Gabriel, I don’t remember anything about Gabriel

The council of the Gods’ happens and then I think Gabriel dies in that episode?? Idr

The Four Horsemen

Death, Pestilence, War, Famine

“You’re not hungry Dean”

I literally do not remember what was happening with these guys

Also, they killed Death, killed a reaper, that reaper became the new Death. I remember when all that happened I just didn’t feel like putting it in the timeline.

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itwill-comeback · 4 years

Text

More headcanons bb

☆ Someone [Tomas] implanted a huge phobia of hospitals and doctors in Vlad like "If you ever get taken to a hospital they're gonna figure out that you're not human and dissect you like a frog, you'd be a freak science experiment" and 1. Vlad only feels safe in hospitals with Nelly and 2. Thanks for making him feel like even more of a freak you punkass and 3. When he woke up post-staking and was just like "Otis is here?" His mind immediately is torn between Fuck That Where's Nelly? & Otis Wouldn't Let Doctors Dissect Me, Right? & What happened to Joss? Is he here? Am I safe right now?

☆ Nelly knows he gets antsy in hospitals even when she's with him, but doesn't know why. She tries to talk him into coming by while she's working and meeting her coworkers but he just digs his heels in, full stop "Nah, I'm-- I'm okay... thanks tho"

☆ Also once he got into his teens and all his doctor's visits involved the doctor offering to speak with him privately without Nelly in the room just makes him damn near have a panic attack every time and outright refusing to let people draw his blood because NopeNopeNope I'mNotHumanGoAway!

☆ Getting his wisdom teeth removed and demanding he get all four of those teeth back because he doesn't want anyone to have his DNA.

☆ Normal Elysians never have to deal with this issue because vampires actually love the medical field. They can easily convince humans around them to give them a raise or help then with an overnight shift or donate money to the hospital or be more understanding about wait times or agree to a better treatment or forgive medical debt because everyone who has to deal with anything within a stone's throw of the medical field, either as a patient or hospital staff, is just consistently overworked, underpaid or just outright frazzled and exhausted. This leaves their minds open to persuasion and vampires use that to their advantage a lot.

☆ Never understood why vampires in movies can't handle being around humans in hospitals because oh no they might bleed! Like dude come on I could smell the most delicious food on the planet and still the other smells of Hospital just kill any appetite I might have. I'm supposed to believe people with super senses wouldn't get nauseating headaches at the smell of all that disinfectant and bleach and latex and sweat and chemicals and medicine and death and holy hell those bright ass lights? There's nothing appetizing in a hospital for folks with regular senses. Vampires at best just adapt to the senses onslaught that is the inside of a hospital and bear it for the sake of helping people.

☆ Also fuck the idea that vampires inherently just don't give a fuck about people. We see a few instances of people not immediately noticing the difference between humans and vampires and I honestly think vampires would rather help every person that needs their help than be picky about who gets much needed medical attention.

☆ On top of that even if vampires don't necessarily want to help people because it's the right thing to do, they could just as well be in it for the money because they would make fucking phenomenal doctors with their super senses and their extreme precision and attention to detail. Also just imagine the bedside manner of someone who can literally read your mind. They know exactly what you're afraid of and exactly what you want to hear, and what you need to hear.

☆ Otis tells Vlad about cool stuff Elysia made like chess, cities, and Sony, but he doesn't even think to mention all the brilliant accomplishments of Elysian doctors and scientists because there are so many, you could write a book about all the stuff vampires figured out as time went on in the medical field alone.

☆ And all that stuff about "this hasn't changed in the medical field in the past 70/80/100 years" Yeah that's because lots of vampires don't appreciate change if it isn't absolutely necessary. There's a lot of "When I was just a premed fledgling we still used brass doorknobs that disinfected themselves and now everybody wants stainless steel everything ugh"

☆ Add to that that it's usually free for doctors to sit in on lectures and classes about new medical stuff so that their practice methods don't become dated and vampire doctors literally get to watch humanity get better at medicine.

☆ Elysians almost certainly knew about bacteria and infection since before the plague but couldn't explain it to humans without betraying their secret so they had to use the right methods with the wrong science behind it to get stuff done. Ex. Plague doctors wore masks, gloves, long coats and boots, and had canes to keep distance from people but since they couldn't explain the concept of airborne disease to humans they just went "uhhh, the air is dirty? The stench of death spreads the plague so I wear this mask with herbs in it which protects me from the miasma? Gloves and cane so I don't have to touch sick people? Touching is bad, people are dirty?" And humans just went with it. Historians be like "They were wrong, but their methods were right! How observant mankind was!"

☆ Tomas was hailed as a great help with hunting during the plague times but fuck him, if anyone's gonna know who's healthy and who isn't it's the vampire doctors and they no doubt showed active disdain for Tomas going around and killing the few healthy humans left in any given populace. Like if you just take those humans as drudges and make sure they stay healthy you can share them with other vampires and then some people survive the sickness! They have antibodies for the plague! Don't kill them!

☆ So no doubt vampires cover all of the medical field and can easily keep information about Elysian patients out of the hands of human staff and helped shape privacy in the medical field (things like not reading through people's medical records unless it's necessary, laws that keep your medical information protected) but also the definite pursuit of Elysians to figure out what their biology is and isn't capable of, figuring out why they can't catch sicknesses and why they're allergic to garlic and how drinking blood of all things sustains their bodies.

☆ Can you imagine how dope it would've been if Nelly had lived and married Otis and become a vampire and just had so much further knowledge about medicine given to her? At first it's difficult for her to get passed all the sensory overload of the hospital but once she does she's absolutely ten times happier at her job? Night shifts are a blessing and she's happy to take them to let her human coworkers get home to their families? I'm always big heart eyes for Nelly, but fledgling nurse Nelly?? Is so so good?? One downside is that Vlad is even more insistent that they both get out of bed before he leaves the house because trauma.

☆ All her coworkers think she's so perky because she got married and finally has someone at home to help her and she's now got an empty nest and literally they're all just like "ooo girl! Marriage looks so good on you! How's your boy? He doing good at Stokerton University? How's your new hubby?? When is he gonna come by so we can meet him??" And she also gains new friends through meeting all her vampire coworkers I'm 💖💖💖 love one newlywed nurse!

☆ Vlad meeting vampire medical staff who [despite being super intrigued by his biology] are very understanding to his anxieties about hospitals and try to help him overcome his fears. This sweet anxious halfling gets his blood drawn for the first time in his life at age 18 and is super relieved to see that all the stuff they do is noninvasive and really not that bad.

☆ All the DNA analysis stuff they tell him about is sorta lost on him because he doesn't speak doctor lmao, but Nelly is super intrigued and can explain it to him in regular people terms.

☆ Also Elysian psychologists help him recognize that his dad planted that fear in his mind so that he'd avoid hospitals and avoid most things so that he'd probably never meet any Elysians. And probably also to distance himself from his aunt who Tomas likely saw as an obstacle and just in general he wanted Vlad to be distrustful of everyone and avoidant of others, especially people who would try to help him.

☆ Vlad makes fledgling friends at college and admits he has a phobia of hospitals and one of his friends is like "Dude don't be afraid of hospitals, doctors are super nice! I'm gonna be a doctor soon, I wouldn't dissect you 🥰" and another one's all "I'm gonna become a nurse, like your aunt! Medical staff are legit just normal people with good hearts! You have nothing to be afraid of." And it just completely shakes Vlad's view of medical staff as mad scientists who want to cut him open.

☆ Not that Vlad didn't have enough trauma to get therapy for [the staking, the fire, the attempted soul snatching, being bitten by crazies, his friends and family almost being killed, Tomas fucking Tod, almost draining his girlfriend, his abandonment issues, ect.] I just genuinely think being afraid of hospitals is a natural thought process for someone who's the first half-vampire half-human in the world. Also Tomas would do some shit like that to Vlad, never plant any phobia of something that would help him like slayer phobia or garlic phobia, but something he would almost certainly need someday? Like medical treatment? Yeah, let's make him afraid of that, Tomas. That's a great idea.

☆ As a little not medical related thing, I think even though Vlad said he didn't care what Otis did with the house when he was renovating it, I think he definitely was a little bit inclined to have Otis use stuff that was flame resistant and almost certainly put like four fire extinguishers in different spots in the house and was real particular about getting good blinds and drapes for the windows. Also no way in hell does he let Otis get a gas stove.

#can y'all tell my parents work in a hospital? lol #:: lighting off the blaze (headcanon)#:: casper speaks (shouting into the void)#the chronicles of vladimir tod #I'll probably write more later about what the hell happened with him in the hospital post-staking #because holy hell what did the doctors even do for him with a fucking stake buried in his heart??#i just had some thoughts about trauma and vampires and hospitals and thought id share #fuck Tomas Tod #for the thousandth time

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tessatechaitea · 4 years

Text

Justice League Spectacular #1 (1992)

Just off-panel: Bibbo's ice cream truck.

I probably shouldn't be reading this or Justice League Quarterly before I read the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League but what can I do? That's the order they were placed in the short box! It would be a different story if free will were not an illusion but since it is, my hands are tied. It's either read this or, um, I don't know. Die from a temporal paradox? I won't risk it! I was looking through a bunch of my old writing and art last week and discovered a bunch of the kind of sentimental and sort of intellectual crap young people write. It's the kind of stuff you hide away and never show anybody ever and hope that when you die, it'll just get tossed in a dumpster with your old porn and Magic the Gathering cards. But it got me thinking about how brave I am! So brave! The kind of brave you wouldn't hesitate to call some jerk who signed up for the military because he couldn't live as a civilian. No, no. More braver than that! And being this super brave kind of person, I thought that maybe I should share some of this old poetry with everybody! But not yet! You have to work up to being truly brave! So instead, I'll share this piece of artwork I did that was supposed to be the first in a lengthy and disgusting series. It's of Lord Fondlerot, a character I created for the Dwarflover online comic I used to do. He was really into fucking things and I thought, "Hey! I should do a series of drawings where he fucks every creature in the monster manual!" But instead of doing an entire series, I drew one picture and grew either bored or disgusted with the concept. So here's that one picture:

Lord Fondlerot fucking an Axebeak.

Now you're probably wondering just how terrible my poetry must be if I'm opening with that! Well, you'll see soon enough! This issue begins with Sue Dibny still alive and visiting a Florida theme park with her husband, The Elasticated Man. Wow, remember when Sue Dibny was killed and all the heroes freaked out about their secret identities and considered doing intense brain damage to every single person who ever knew any of their identities until they found out that The Atom's ex-wife Jean Loring had gone cuckoo for Atom's cocoa puffs? She wanted them back so bad that she began threatening and murdering the loved ones of all the super heroes. It was the kind of story DC sometimes does where you read it and think, "Well, the twist at the end of that mystery was definitely worth the destruction of the most stable marriage in the DC Universe and also the death of Firestorm and Captain Boomerang! So good!" I mean it doesn't make you think that. It makes you think the exact opposite. Tom King would eventually do pretty much the same thing in Heroes in Crisis but instead of Jean Loring fucking up by accidentally killing Sue Dibny and murdering more people to cover her tracks, Wally West fucks up and kills Poison Ivy and some others and then tries to cover his tracks. But at least Tom King's had all of those entertaining scenes where the heroes are doing therapy and we get to see how much they're all suffering from PTSD. That's always a fun aspect of super heroes we never get to read enough about. Dammit! I keep doing it. I meant it was the opposite of fun! Although I still liked it because sometimes I just like seeing other people in pain. Not in a sick perverse way where I pop a boner or something! Just in that way where you sit around all day thinking, "My life is terrible and everything is wrong and I hate my parents for bringing me into this wretched existence and the only thing that might make me feel better is to learn that Superman sometimes feels the same way." Oh, remember when Tom King was writing Batman and he had that two issue Booster Gold arc where we got to see how fucking insane Booster Gold was from living through all of those horrible, wretched, dark alternate timelines? And the only way he can deal with the trauma and the PTSD is by making a joke out of everything? I'll have to think of that as the canon Booster Gold when I'm reading Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League. Maybe it'll make all of Booster and Beetle's inappropriate joking more appropriate. Back to the story, Sue Dibny, alive and well, and her husband Ralph "The Elasticated Man" Dibny are busy showing a bunch of European diplomats around the non-Disney World theme park.

See? You can tell they're European because they're all smart and shit.

The first stop in the park is to Alice's Wonderland where the diplomats are attacked by the Royal Flush Gang. They are a gang whose theme is playing cards and not expensive toilets. Their powers are the ability to ride on gigantic cards and to make poker puns.

If looking good in tight fitting costumes is also a power, it's my new answer to the question of which super power would I choose..

Ten's outfit reminds me of the days when nipples were allowed to show through tops without being erased away through some kind of editing software. The 70s were a wild decade! Sure, there were also nips on television in the 80s but the 80s, generally speaking, sucked and were a huge contribution to the downfall of America.

The King of Spades mansplaining their entire concept to the Queen of Spades.

It's true that the royal flush beats any other poker hand but I doubt Superman is going to surrender after this concept is explained to him because, in the end, they're not fucking playing poker. It turns out Maxwell Lord paid the Royal Flush Gang to make a little trouble so the Justice League could beat them up and get some media attention. But the Justice League has apparently broken up and The Elasticated Man just isn't hero enough to save the European delegates all by himself. He might have been if the Royal Flush Gang had done what they were told and not really fight back. But why would they do that?! Wouldn't they still be in trouble with federal agents?! Booster Gold finds Blue Beetle busy pouting in the old Justice League cave headquarters. Booster has decided to try to cheer his old buddy up although why wouldn't Booster just travel to a timeline where Ted Kord is already cheered up? Is that how time travel works in the DCU? Or did Booster already try that, it went horribly sideways, and now he's a little more fucked up in the head when he returns to the "real" timeline?

For some reason, Ice and Fire have also come down to the cave. Probably to accidentally go on a double date with Booster and Beetle. Booster and Fire and Beetle and Ice hear a news report about the Royal Flush Gang and decide to go save Ralph. Superman also hears about the situation and heads to Florida where he's almost immediately defeated by The Royal Flush Gang. Not because they're dangerous and competent super villains but because some mysterious benefactor has give them weapons capable of knocking out Superman's powers. Maxwell Lord is not that benefactor so who could have done it? Certainly not Guy Gardner, right?! What would he want with getting the Justice League back together. Isn't he busy being Warrior or something by this point? Power Girl, Metamorpho, and Guy Gardner all join in on the fight. The guy behind it all is that Weapons Master dude who is desperate to get a new weapon for his arsenal: a Green Lantern ring. The attack on the Royal Flush Gang fails to get him the ring so he decides to attack directly. But not in this issue! He has to wait for a regular series issue. Ice uses Guy's ring to contact Hal Jordan because somebody finally decided this Justice League wasn't really a big league Justice League. Everybody reading it knew it for years. But I guess Dan Jurgens was assigned the task to get a new, more believably powerful League together. So Hal Jordan flies around to pick up some new members to save the day. He chooses The Flash and Aquaman which seems about right. But he also chooses Crimson Fox which seems like sliding backwards into goofy Justice League territory. Not that I totally approve of Aquaman but I have to admit he's a "serious" choice for the League.

Doctor Light also joins the party. Although why she'd keep the name of a pedo, I couldn't guess. Just become Lightwoman or something. But no! Once some jerk earns their doctorate, they just have to demand to be called Doctor.

I'm sorry. I was too distracted pointing out that Doctor Light joined the fight and how her namesake was a pervert to comment on Metamorpho acting like a huge fucking pig. Crimson Fox beats up some guys dressed as cards and admits that she's a boring idiot whose favorite part of the game is shuffling the cards. I understand the need to think up some kind of goofy one-liner when you go into battle but shouldn't you at least try to think up one that doesn't make yourself sound like a pathetic asshole? Weapons Master's plan failed but he figures he has enough information to get Green Lantern's ring next time. He'll then sell it to a Dominator for a few bucks and maybe some slaves. The big hitters talk it over and decide they should start a new Justice League without the approval of the United Nations. Yeah! Who needs some stupid Earthly authority when you've got an invulnerable Kryptonian, an all powerful space cop, and the king of the seven seas! All they need is a Greek Goddess and a mentally ill furry with a long history of violent behavior and they'll have the big team back together! Booyah! I mean, without that stupid Booyah shit because Cyborg is basically a toaster at this point. Maybe. I don't know! What am I, Johnni DC, Continuity Cop?! The heroes make one more decision: split the group into two Leagues. So once again, they're forming Justice League America and Justice League Europe. How come I don't remember this shit?! Did the comics get canceled in '92 and then immediately fired back up? I don't seem to remember two different incarnations of these teams. Maybe I should have stored my comic books in chronological order so it would all make sense. Justice League Spectacular #1 Rating: C. I just read the letters pages and it looks like this comic book takes place between JLA #60 and JLA #61! So editorial decided the teams needed to be shaken up and the best way to do it was to disband the League in the regular series, have a special one-shot comic that gets them back together but with a different roster, and then send them back to work in the next issue of the regular series. I guess I should just shove this comic book into the middle of the regular series so when I reread it all again in my 80s, it'll make more sense! Let's close with the worst drawing of Aquaman I've ever seen:

Actually, he looks a little bit like Grunion Guy.

#Justice League Spectacular #Justice League #DC COmics #DC #Dan Jurgens #Gerard Jones

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