#everyday this shit gets more unbearable

[asapeveryday]

SOUND IS MUSIC ♪

PAIRING: Paige Bueckers x reader

WARNINGS: head (r/receiving), prn with no plot

SUMMARY: you run uconn’s college radio station and p is enamoured by the music (and you)

A/N: this one’s rlly short because writers block is so bad rn

YOU INTRICATELY SELECT…the songs you play every week. There’s a lot more thought that goes into it than people think, it’s not all about playing whatever you like or playing whatever is popular. It’s music that represents the student body, music that means something to the people who listen, music that you feel deserves some recognition.

So, you take time in choosing the songs played on the radio. You’ve gotten good in taking your time, not just when it comes to music, but other things too. When you saw that pretty girl, freshman year playing fiercely on the court you decided to bide your time, and that decision only furthered when you looked up her name and realized Paige Buecker’s popularity precedes her.

You bided your time as her shoulder brushed yours on campus, and even when she stepped foot into your little studio to ask about the music for this week. You bided your time as she slid you her number, or when she raised her hand to cup your face before her lips met your own.

Paige rarely felt the need to bide her time, and frankly you were finished biding yours.

“Please.” You whine, feverishly nodding your head. She’s just asked you if you’re sure you want this, and although you’ve been hesitant around her for far too long there’s nothing you’re more sure of now. “Please, Paige.”

She’s smiling a sick, satisfied smile; white teeth bared, hair tied back and eyes wide, staring up from in between your legs. Her calloused hands rub comforting circles against your thighs as her tongue darts out to wet her lips, before licking an excruciatingly slow stripe through the fabric of your underwear.

You can’t help but fall back onto your elbows to give her more room, accidentally bumping into the microphone mounted on the table you’re sitting on. It’s the same microphone you use everyday to report on sports team wins or losses in between songs.

Paige grins against your skin at your attempt to make her job easier, spreading your legs wide before hiking your underwear down. She sings sweet kisses into your skin; trailing from your inner thighs to your labia, and finally your clit.

The sight of her looking up at you and observing your expression as she sucks on your clit sends shivers down your spine and creates an excited, sinking feeling in your stomach, one that usually manifests when you listen to an exceptionally good song.

It’s the same kind of feeling you’d get late at night, your favourite borderline-erotic songs playing as you pleasure yourself to the thought of a certain blonde basketball player, except this time she’s here to fulfil your fantasies and there’s no music in the background, just the sound of your whimpers and the sound of her humming praises against your skin.

“Speak up.” She says, lapping at your pussy with a controlled pace. “You know, I’ve always loved your voice.”

“Shit.” You cry, resisting the urge to snap your legs shut. She’s experienced and comfortable, seemingly knowing exactly how to fluster you.

“C’mon baby, you’re doing so good.” She smiles, licking and sucking the sensitive skin and chuckling at how you buck and twitch against her. Every word she utters is breath against your body, extra stimulation that forms knots in your abdomen.

“Paige, s’good.” You mutter, fingers prying yourself open more as she devotes herself to you. The more vocal you are, the better she preforms, so you cry out and sing your praises until the buzz in your body is unbearable.

“You there?” She asks sweetly, and you whisper yes immediately. With one last sucker to your clit and gaze towards your face you unravel, practically melting around her mouth.

With that she raises herself from her knees, enjoying the sight of you up on the counter, legs caging her in and face contorted with pleasure. She presses sweet pecks across your neck and cheek before your lips meet hers in a lopsided kiss.

Every noise she makes is sustenance to you. To her, every sound you make is music.

[cupids-archives]

֢━━━━━━𑄽𑄺₊˚♱ kinks..,! featuring, lucifer. ) made them too long so I had to make them into different parts lolz ) ₊˚♱

contains. (breeding, rope play. praise, pnv, nasty shit. )

𐙚₊˚⊹ ֢━━ your sex life starts off very awkward, not due to lack of experience on his part, it’s just he’s never been with someone like you before or had someone squeeze around his cock like you. when your sex life starts to speed up so do his true kinks.. ઇ ࣭ ࣪

֢━━━━━━━━ 𑄽𑄺 BREEDING... ઇ

֢ ☆ ⊹ not exactly to get you pregnant but likes the comforting feeling of cumming inside you, especially when your moaning for him not to pull out. -

☆ he especially when it comes to certain positions, loves doggystyle because he can see how your body react to every thrust, and when he finally orgasms, he can see his cum drip out of your swollen pussy before shoving himself back in. -

☆ loves how inflated your stomach gets after your the third to fifth round, loves to use his dick as a plug and just cuddle with you after, rubbing his hands around your lower stomach.

☆ if you seriously don’t want him to cum inside, he might consider it but if he does anyway, he’ll just blame it on how tight you were squeezing his cock. but he’ll still make it up to you by “cleaning” it off with his tongue. <3

֢━━ “mm’ fuck baby, your so cute like this,” his cock bullies itself inside you again, and you’re already lost count of how many times you’ve came already, his dick constantly hitting that sweet spot inside you. with your legs thrown over his shoulders for the entire time of him fucking you, he’s pushed your body into different positions, each position deeper than the last. “a-angel-fuck, I’m gonna cum.” his fingers find your hair as he pulls you in for a kiss, your stomach swells with pleasure as you both cum, your sweet juices combining. he moves your body once more, now your laying on your stomach with your back slightly arched, his cock already slipping inside the messy entrance - ready for another round ֢━━

֢━━━━━━━━ 𑄽𑄺 BONDAGE. ઇ

₊˚♱ his fascination with you tied up started off rather innocent, while when you got stuck in something, he would always try to help you before going to take care of himself.

₊˚♱ loves that worried look you have when your tied up under him, even more when you beg for him to stop but can’t do anything to push him off.

₊˚♱ he loves tying you up in different positions , tying your hands behind your back, and using it as leverage while he’s fucking you. or while your bouncing on his dick, trying to ask him for help out of exhaustion.

₊˚♱ or even while your sucking him off, your hands behind your back and you can only use your mouth, he loves seeing that scared face while you choke on his cock.

֢━━ “luci- p-please,” your pleases and cries fall on deaf ears. his fingers rub against your clit, his tongue licking up the juices falling from your messy pussy. you struggle against the rope keeping your hands bound, uncomfortably tied behind you. Finally he stops his assault against your pussy, putting his hands against your hips, stilling you. “can you stay still for me love?” his voice unbearably sweet, “p-please luci, ‘s too mu-uch” one of his hand drift down to your clit, starting to rub against your pussy, then slipping inside the messy hole, your back arches, letting out sweet mewls as you cum on his fingers.

֢━━━━━━━━ 𑄽𑄺 PRAISE... ઇ

₊˚♱ adores praise, whether your praising him or he is to you.

₊˚♱ adores when he eats you and you tell him how good he is, it’s good inspiration to make you cum all over his face.

₊˚♱ for him, he’ll praise you while he’s fucking you, while cockwarming, or even just everyday life. you cannot do wrong in his eyes so it’s only right he lets you know that.

₊˚♱ likes to whisper soft praises in your ear while he’s fucking you particularly rough, fucking your messy little cunt while telling you how good you are for him.

₊˚♱ even when your riding him or giving him a blowjob, will let you know how good you are, and how you make him feel so good.

֢━━ his face is buried in your neck, kissing up and down the already bruised skin as his fingers drift around your body, he rolls your clit in his fingers. “your doing so well for me darling”, he drags his lips up and down your neck, leaving soft kisses and bite marks. his hands slide up and down your already wet folds. “your so wet love, all for me.” his fingers slide into your cunt, moving in and out than curving his fingers, hitting that sensitive spot inside. the curve and hit the same delicious spot. your hands instinctively try to push him off, “move your hand and take it baby,” before starting to rub your clit as well. ֢━━

honorable mention : + corruption ₊˚♱

֢━━ his lips softly meets yours, he starts to lay soft kisses on your chin to your jaw going down until he’s pinching and sucking on your nipples. his dick lays hard inside you, not moving but still making you feel full. “p-please move luci”, he stops his motions to chuckle slightly, “aw, does my little girl want me to fuck her?” you shake your head rapidly, his chuckling causes vibrations causing even more stimulation to your edged cunt. “wanna’ cum p-please” he looks at you warmly, angling his hips slightly, just enough to brush against your clit, “look at you darling, you used to be so shy, guess your my little slut now huh?” he kissed your neck one more time, before starting to move. roughly thrusting into your puffy pussy. ֢━━

©cupids-archives . requests are open !!

[cyverrieee]

[1] WITH A COSPLAYER!YUU WHO SADLY ENDED UP IN TWISTED WONDERLAND WHILE IN COSPLAY...

01 ➳ I might expload if i keep on thinking about this juicy

brainrot eating my brain into BITS anyways..

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

ᴏɴᴇ ᴜɴғᴀɪᴛʜғᴜʟ ᴅᴀʏ, ᴀ ᴅᴀʏ ᴡʜᴇʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴠᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ɪs ᴡʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ sᴜᴅᴅᴇɴʟʏ ɢᴇᴛ ᴛʀᴀɴsᴘᴏʀᴛᴇᴅ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴛᴡɪsᴛᴇᴅ ᴡᴏɴᴅᴇʀʟᴀɴᴅ! ᴡʜᴀᴛ's ᴡᴏʀsᴛ ɪs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ sᴛɪʟʟ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴏsᴘʟᴀʏ. ɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀᴡᴋᴡᴀʀᴅʟʏ sᴛᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴀs ᴄᴏɴғᴜsᴇᴅ ᴇʏᴇs ɢᴀᴢᴇ ᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜ...

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

ʀɪᴅᴅʟᴇ ʀᴏsᴇʜᴇᴀʀᴛs

Now you were suddenly transported into twisted wonderland in your Riddle Rosehearts cosplay. This was supposed to be the day you were going to have a fun convention day with your friends who cosplayed the other Heartslabyul members. Now that you literally get to face the actual Riddle Rosehearts. You were definitely fuming with embarrassment! You laughed uncannily, the other members of Heartslabyul still incoherent shock. Especially Ace

You try to blabber out some excuses WHY you were wearing Riddle's dorm outfit! Riddle was much confused but slightly impressed. The makeup was nice, the styling of the wig was impressive. Especially the details in his atrocious outfit (if you handmade it of course).

God damnit! You were basically dying in embarrassment, you can't possibly say to Riddle that he is a fictional character in a game! No that knowledge is definitely unbearable to someone like him. But you couldn't find anymore words to describe your current predicament; your only chance was to tell.. Half of the truth!

"W-Well.. Your a famous favorite... Character back in my.. World! People loved your personality, they find you.. "

Now how to describe this? How the hell do you say something about it! Riddle was shocked. He wasn't expecting people to like his personality knowing how stern he was before his overblot.. Or even now!

You mostly spend the following hours in your Riddle cosplay, what would make it even funnier is when you and riddle would walk together, you two look the same but the only difference was in height. Obviously you were taller than Riddle. But you really slayed in those heels!

Of course, when you finally took off your Riddle cosplay was when he actually saw you. He felt like he got tricked because aint no wait some of your features just disappeared! (Your makeup skills were too good, professional catfisher!..)

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

ʟᴇᴏɴᴀ ᴋɪɴɢsᴄʜᴏʟᴀʀ

Well shit. This is awkward. Its not everyday you face the character you were literally cosplaying as... You found feel a rush of embarrassment go through your head. You were wearing the fairy gala outfit of Leona with a high ponytail (because before being suddenly sucked into Twisted Wonderland. You were sweating in your cosplay and decided to put your wig up in a ponytail because it was thick)

Leona only looked at you and laughed. Okay now, this was more embarrassing than you expected. Your cosplay was a bit incomplete if you could say. You couldn't find any damn white shoes to match the outfit so EARNESTLY and EVEN SO DESPERATELY asked your own mother to borrow her silly heels that she wore on her wedding, but fuck that was like... More than a decade, thats for sure. Somehow it kinda fits you, same shoe size or whatever. It definitely caught Leona's attention knowing how you're almost at his height, yet just kick off a few more centimeters then you'll reach it!

Ruggie feels constipated seeing two Leonas sit in one room. Goddamit! Now he has to grab for two of them! Oh? One of them is real nice for no absolute reason? A nice Leona feels like a nightmare, but he'll take wha he can get. Since you can't get out of your silly cosplay, you were forcibly going around the campus with your fairy gala cosplay. A bit embarrassing but it has a few perks, people who didnt knew it was the fake Leona would have had probably been shaling their boots off. A little threatening to have something wont hurt right? Nahh, they wont know anyways. You were a Ruggie in disguise.

Sometimes, Leona would point details you missed. Like oh! You forgot this or you literally forgot to add that. He just wanted to seen as a perfect piece of art. If your cosplay is 100% handmade, he is secretly impressed by your dedication and motivation. What? This took you 6 months? HALF A YEAR? His respect kinda went up a bit. If you cosplay with your friends and family, maybe tell some stories about you and your friend/cousin/sibling dressing up as Falena and doing the scene from Lion King with your younger sibling/short friend. "Whats the Lion King Scene?" All the braincells probably left out of your brain because oh my fucking god, all you hear in your head is "LONG LIVE THE KING.." and you know.. yeah... You went silent after that, you cannot say that. Moving on!

When Leona saw you out of your cosplay, he was still secretly impressed over your makeup skills; not one for makeup himself but he just finds that you can literally become another person just with makeup impressive but he wont dare say it out loud. Professional catfisher am i right?

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

ᴀᴢᴜʟ ᴀsʜᴇɴɢʀᴏᴛᴛᴏ

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

Oh you cosplayed Azul? Hes fine on the outside but screaming in the inside. If the world allows you, you might hear him scream.

Jade and Floyd finds you pretty cool. You cosplayed Azul and you looked so silly and cool in it!

If you were a chubby cosplayer, Azul will scream at this point. An actual scream (not because hes scared or anything. Hes having a plentiful of positive emotions rushing through his brain.)

He will check your cosplay too! Checking every detail. Saying this like "impressive" "amazing labor!" He would definitely be shock on how much time it took you , even if his outfit is easily to replicate. Your broke ass decided to take it the hard way andake it by scratch because no money will be wasted generously.

Please show your Azul impression. He actually kinda wants to see it. If you do silly things in your Azul cosplay. He's gonna be slightly embarrassed but at some point, he might get used to it.

DID I HEAR THAT CLEARLY?! YOU MADE A PROP OF AZUL'S GOLDEN CONTRACT?! He looks at it with awe. Even though it just glossy yellow paper with some writings, its still very nice you went this far for something as someone like him.

You two will roam the hallways asking for contracts now! Just kidding (if you want to :3)

When Azul saw you without your cosplay, he still finds you amazing in your skills of makeup and stylization. Not everyone can transform themselves into another person with makeup and a measly brush no?

The professional catfisher strikes again!

ೋ❀❀ೋ═══ ❀ ═══ೋ❀❀ೋ

➥ ᴅɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇ ᴍʏ ᴡᴏʀᴋ? ғᴇᴇʟ ғʀᴇᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢ ᴏʀ ʜᴇᴄᴋ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ ʜᴇʜᴇ!

! ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴛᴏ sᴛᴀʏ ʜᴇᴀʟᴛʜʏ! ᴅʀɪɴᴋ ᴡᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴀᴛ ғᴏᴏᴅ ᴀᴄᴄᴏʀᴅɪɴɢʟʏ !

➳ [2] 𝘒𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘮, 𝘝𝘪𝘭, 𝘐𝘥𝘪𝘢, 𝘔𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘴

ʙᴇʟᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ sᴇᴇ ᴍʏ ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ!

ᴍᴀsᴛᴇʀʟɪsᴛ!

[justcallmesakira]

Omgomgomgomg Sakira for your Valentines event, can I request Angst prompt 11 (''Soulless roses purge from my mouth, with your lips on another womans one'') for reader and Dazai please? I'm a sucker for unrequited love owueuaisha but please take your time with this request! 💖

"Soulless roses purge from my mouth, with your lips om another womans one"

Prompt 11

Sypnosis: Really, hanahaki symptoms for a man who flirts with every single woman? How pathetic and foolish can you be?...

Genre: full angst

Dazai x reader

Warnings: vomiting obv since its hanahaki disease, no comfort(?), implied jealousy, suicide, slight implication to "No longer human", happy ending!!! :D

A/N: Tysm silver for requesting!! i tried my best to finish it in time but i am very sick rn so---i decided to give a happy ending since i was feeling merciful today :33

»~⋆ Hanahaki Syndrome˚⋆« -Shiki Miyoshino 𝟎:𝟑𝟒 〇────── 𝟎:𝟓𝟖 ⇄ ◃◃ ⅠⅠ ▹▹ ↻ ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

You loved him, alot actually.

But was he yours to begin with? Did you really believe he could be yours?

Dazai was sort of a playboy you knew. Everyone in the agency warned you about his tactics and charms.

"Dont worry, kunikida-kun! i am not going to fall in love with dazai, hes just a collegue at the end of the day!" You replied to kunikida when he warned you about the bandaged man. "Still, y/n I know you probably wont even get in contact with that guy, but i will just remind you of that womanaizer" Kunikida said with a serious tone, he was not very angry or anything but simple putting out care for you.

But did you listen? Because those petals say otherwise.

You entered the cafe downstairs with a beaming smile. You made Dazai a bento box today, if anything you even used various food items to draw out Dazai`s pretty face over the rice.

“Ah Bella!!! I can’t believe it, you should totally come to my apartment tonight”

You were expecting the same waitress he would flirt with everyday but to your surprise when your eyes met the couple sitting on one of the tables, you were shocked.

A woman, perhaps a bit older than the man flirting himself, pretty amber eyes and shiny long black hair.

You couldn’t decide whether you should go up to dazai and give him the gift you worked hard on or just leave them be. You hated it when he flirted with other women..a bit too much.

it hurts you, really it did to see him with someone other than you. Were you not worthy of him? Were you just an another girl who was the bandaged man’s doll to toy around with? Were those moments when he excitedly held your hands just a lie? Were those missions you protected him with your life just for the agency..?

Was coughing out all your pain in flowers really worth it? For him? For Dazai Osamu? For your ‘only love’?

No! It couldn’t be! Of course he would love you! Dazai would surely give you all the affection and love you needed, right?

While you were lost in your thoughts all of a sudden the pain you were feeling in your head started to form in your heart, and that heart dropped down to your stomach which instantly made you drop the bag and run to the washroom, the urge to puke coming out of your mouth.

Your steps slowed down as you reached the basin

"Oh god this isn`t happening, shit shit"

cough cough

Petals of a crimson rose chunked out of your mouth forcefully as you kept coughing, You swore you could feel a lump feeling in your throat as if a huge, full bloomed sweetbriar would pour out of you and into the sink.

You wanted to cry, why did this hurt. This feeling of being unheld and sore for someone else's touch and love who will probably never even look at you in the same light,,,It hurt more then the never ending fir you were currently expreriencing.

After an painful epiisode of coughing , a huge floret perhaps the size of a human eye lumped out of your throat which left you panting as your knees felt weak against the counter and you washed you face with some water.

The pain was so unbearable you had to fight the urge to rip off ur throat. Just looking at your reflection on the mirror lets you see why Dazai doesnt want you.

"Y/N-chan!! are you alright?" a familiar voice of a young tiger boy calls out to which you reply, "Ah! dont worry A-atsushi-kun i am A-OK!!"

Your voice shouts back cheerfully still, the sickness could be heard in your tone even after you go out and see dazai with a cheeky smile holding the bento box in his hand. He seemed to have found your little gift.

"Y/NNNNN!!! you seem sick ya alright? Also is this for me?? Your so sweet yknow! i could almost give out my heart to you!" The man says with stars in his eyes, quite the pretty set of eyes you thought. "Ah- thats r-right dazai i made it specifically for you, i really..really hope you like it" you somehow blurt out, god was it agonizing to know that that sweet soft smile doesn`t belong to you even if its a mask, a mere fake smile.

It hurts...alot to know this harsh reality.

Why were you so weak? You had questioned yourself each time your pathetic condition got worse, each a new shade of crimson indicating it was getting worse.

The day went normal, the ladies` man flirting with the woman from the bar across the street from what you had heard her name was Tsuneko, a pretty girl with a pretty smile, Oh how badly you wished you were in her place. In her shoes, laughing and sneaking off to who knows where with that bandaged man.

Atsushi noticed your drowsy eyes and gloomy demeaner but didn`t comment anything only stopping by a few times to check whether you were okay or not, he was sweet and caring, he really was.

Too bad you didn`t listen to everyones words.

During lunch hour you saw how dazai opened your bento box which you put your heart to with care and started munching on a crab leg, he loved crabs.

You were happy even for a moment that atleast his hue on his cheek brightened until you realized a certain someone was accompanying him.

It was like a illness blooming from a dying wilted seed.

Slowly dazai placed a chunk of the seasoned crab on her tongue, Tsuneko.

"Wow, Osamu this is really good did your friend make this?" she inquired in delight. "I know? god shes so sweet!" the man snickered and continued to talk more about his friends, or so what he calls them.

By time you had seen how intimate they got, their secret walks, the night, everything just because how dazai told you how he found the perfect suicide partner.

Tsuneko Tsuneko, Tsuneko, Tsuneko...

Everything was about her yet you still couldn`t loathe the deary couple, they looked like actual soulmates. Who were you to interfere?

You had a little crush now your hating on some sweet woman, seriously how pathetic can love really make you be you had wondered on your final moments.

Days turned into weeks

Flirts turned into touches,

Petals turned into full bloomed roses.

And still your heart didn`t stop beating rapidly around him, even though you tried avoiding him can your love for him be avoided?

It was painful, how longer, why did god allow you to love.

You coughed out another rose on your bathroom sink, a black one this time. The colour of mourning, whereas you mourn for your dead love, one which wilted away like a sad rose in a garden of white lilies long ago yet you still water it. It has been so long that you had beared with this pain, everyone`s hearts have its limits.

You could only feel tears brimming down your face like a glistening waterfall as your legs gave in to the soreness of your body and the aching of your throat.

"Why..dazai, why me..."

It was time...

Dazai and Tsuneko shared many similarities, in which both of them were poor, unhappy souls. Both of them shared lots and lots of conversations which escalated to a funs and giggles to words of a deeper route.

You could have also conversed with him, but he had already deemed you to be a normal and simple daisy, not a beautiful roseate with petals growing out of passion for him.

"Tsuneko, join me in a double suicide, if i have to die i want to die with the woman of my dreams." Dazai declared to her, holding her soft hands in his dry bandaged ones. It seemed the whether will deteriote like a corpse today by the way the clouds are looking.

Both of them stood on the sandy meadows of yokohams grounds with tsuneko in a delightful expression.

"Oh dazai, yes, yes lets do it dazai for i too am sick of this body" Tsuneko smiled, a dead smile. Tsuneko loved dazai and maybe he loved her back too so it would only be appropriate for them to die together.

And as the two lovers slowly collided with the water, your body stood with grace in a flowing white dress slid upon your scarred body.

"Soulless roses purge from my mouth with your lips on another womans one." you tune out softly in despair and a voice of shallowness which you wish you could use to sing for dazai and for him to look at you the way he looked at Tsuneko when she sang on the bar stage.

Your eyes were empty, you can finally be free like a bird in the sky with no strings of a human heart attached with you. The blood splattered on your dress made you looked etheral with your open hair flowing in the harsh wind under the grey skies.

A set of bare feet on the bridge`s railing. Pitch black empty eyes, a rosy and murdered dress and at least...Peace.

You fell hard onto the lake, you were used to this though. This bottomless deep sea of emptiness was nothing compared to the sea of agony you felt when you saw him.

Two bodies were later found at the lake, both gone cold from the freeze of the atmosphere.

A woman was also found it was indicated that she tried to end her life for her eyes seemed to be filled with agony when the poilce found her and somewhat saved her.

"Dazai, my...baby dazai" the woman sniffed and cried on the ground with sirens being loud in the background.

"Ma`am would you please tell me who this dazai is and what is your name?" a female police calmly asked the hysterical woman on the ground.

"Tsuneko.." sniff sniff "Dazai, we promised..to die together, why..?" she cried bitterly. There was only her who they found but after a few moments just when they were about to send tsuneko to the poilce officer they found two corpses run cold from the freezing water.

A brown haired man with a beige coat and another young woman with a gorgeous white dress and blood splattered all over the fabric, it seemed like she vomitted out the blood.

"They.. hahh. They were meant for each other weren`t they..." tsuneko said with a somewhat tired yet relived smile. Its true she was disappointed she couldn`t die with her loved but at least she got to see two people who had coughed out flowers of kinds for each other get intangled, even in death.

Even though both the corpses went cold somehow a glow of light and passion radiated from them for both of them had a smile on their faces infact another thing they identified which was common was that in the pockets of both bodies were an overflowing amount of sooty crimson roses.

The petals weren`t worth all the fight but at least you knew that the same person you coughed for had the same condition.

A/N: Fun Fact Fiction time! (i luv doing these lol-): If you didnt know, tsuneko is actually a character from Dazai Osamus book "No longer human". She was the one who commited double suicide with Oba but oba was the one who survived and tsuneko died which mean..yknow :)

Divider crds!: @plutism

Tags!: @silverbladexyz @saelique @atlasnessie @biscuits-spooky-corner @tojifile @ruanais @riiwrites @tsuunara @typcallysid14 @heartsfourdazai @elizais (Do let me know if you would like to be added or removed from my taglist in my inbox!)

[lmksimp]

Could I request headcannons with Macaque and Sun Wukong (seperately) with a fem! s/o who suffers from migraines and often will ignore them especially when doing things with others even to the point of extreme pain and/or nausea. How quick do they notice and what do they do both when it's just the two of them or when with the whole group?

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯, 𝘍𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬: 𝘚𝘩𝘦 / 𝘏𝘦𝘳

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝘔𝘢𝘤𝘢𝘲𝘶𝘦 , 𝘚𝘶𝘯 𝘞𝘶𝘬𝘰𝘯𝘨

𝐀/𝐍: As some1 who has migraines at the most random times and completely ignores it, I want to run away and bury myself alive.💞

༶•┈┈⛧┈♛ ᏞϴᎪᎠᏆΝᏀ ♛┈⛧┈┈•༶

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 𝑀𝐴𝐶𝐴𝑄𝑈𝐸 ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

— Both of you suffer the same problems, he doesn't know what the hell he should do with his migraines but at least he tries 😐❓

— He has good knowledge about dealing with a migraine despite not doing it too himself, the pain is so unbearable that he forgets everything, gah

— the way he would get migraines would probably be due to very loud noises(thunderstorms, blaring music, etc) and he might as well rip his ears off.

— the first time he sees you getting a migraine, he immediately pulls you in his embrace and try to help you through it.

— he doesn't like it when he sees you not dealing with it, he knows how much it'll hurt. So he'll always force you to stop(gently...?)

— he's always massaging your temples to the point you fall asleep on him, he doesn't mind and probably sleeps with you or keep a close eye on you.

— whenever you go out he is always in your shadow, keeping a close eye and making sure you won't ignore your migraine while doing things.

— if you ever get one and ignore it he is jumping out of your shadow and ignore the questioning stares, he'll hug you from behind and remind you. It startles you so much to the point you have to watch your every corner now

— Since he keeps a watchful eye, he knows if you're experiencing it or not. He takes quick notice, he doesn't help himself but he helps you and that works fine for him.

— now whenever he's around you'll have less nausea and tons of cuddles :]

— The day ends with both of you cuddling, he would be kissing your forehead time to time. His tail wrapped protectively around you

༺ღ༒ ׅ𝑆𝑈𝑁 𝑊𝑈𝐾𝑂𝑁𝐺  ༒ღ༻

— he freaks out, really does.

— He of course experienced his own pain from the journey he had like a tons of centuries ago, so he probably gained some type of trauma

— Wukong doesn't really know how to help or deal with Migraines since his doesn't linger, I think, someone gelp

— If he ever sees you having one he is jumping you, in a gentle way in his saying.

— of course he would be rubbing your temples and talks you through it, he almost flinches when he hears you wince.

— like Macaque the little massaging can make you fall asleep and he himself will as well. He'll also feel relieved that you slept

— whenever you decide to go out and absolutely forget that you get Migraines every once in a while, he is following you. Usually his bird form

— he hates it when you ignore the migraine, as much as it is annoying af it's better to not ignore it. The nausea will hit you hard, like a truck.

— so when you do ignore it he is literally going to fly and land on your shoulder, you get startled and wonder how the fu-

— So every now and then he reminds you and you get scared the shit to the point you stop forgetting and deal with your migraine, Wukong thinks he did well.

— Just like Macaque, he knows when you get a Migraine and when you ignore the pain. Sometimes he doesn't notice, sometimes he does and you usually have to remind him as well.

— he will be asking you 24/7 if you are having a migraine and if you're ignoring it, it's like he's interrogating you sometimes. He just loves you dearly

— So because of that, you get less nausea. More migraines because of him but less because of him :)

— everyday ends with you and wukong and the monkeys in a cuddle pile, every monkey is clinging on to you and also tries to help as Wukong kisses your temple.

[potassiumivy]

PLAYBOY. | jjk

❥ mdni. fic masterlist.

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ 010: WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS.

✞ 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐘✞

GETO SUGURU WAS ON AUTOPILOT. he hasn't heard of you, or anyone else for that matter. 

everyday was the same: wake up, eat breakfast, water your plants, go to sleep, and repeat.

it reminded him of the older days. he felt the same emptiness inside. there was no darkness swallowing him whole— he was just an inhabited vessel. 

his eye bags were more prominent than ever. he didn't care enough to leave his room. even the news of sukuna's vessel didn't excite him.

his nights were usually dreamless, but ever since his students left, geto suguru became a restless wanderer.

in his dreams, he would walk for miles to find his purpose again. when he was awake, he'd walk for hours around the garden, trying to find a piece of you.

he didn't go on missions. he refused everything and anything. 

he didn't even present himself to the new first years. 

the only things that we're keeping him sane were the twins— mimiko and nanako, and watering your plants. 

he was coping with it in his own way.

he had been a mentor to you ever since you joined the school, but he only became your teacher this year.

he saw you growing up as a sorcerer along with your classmates, and he couldn't be prouder of you all. 

he just couldn't believe how useless he felt the day you all got suspended. he knew he wasn't the strongest, and he knew that he couldn't single-handedly change their decision, yet it hurted more than it should've because it involved you.

geto taught you many things, but he also learned a lot from you.

he had learned to get along with you, befriend you, and most importantly, he had learned to love to you. 

he fell in love with every little detail of you. every single one.

he felt pathetic when he realized it. a teacher, deeply in love with his student. the age-gape wasn't terrible, it was 3 or 4 years. it's been a while since he celebrated his birthday, so he can't be too sure.

he knew that you weren't the type to settle down, so he never planned on confessing his feelings. no one knew about it and he was convinced that he'll take it to the grave.

however, when he saw you leave, he promised himself that he'll never let you go again. 

and so he waited.

the pain was getting too unbearable. a certain night, he ended up crossing gojo's path when he was watering your plants. 

he talked for the first time since you left. his throat was sore from staying mute for so long. he didn't know what came over him, but he ended up telling gojo. maybe it was because he needed to get it out, or maybe it was the guilt of keeping away a secret from his best friend.

"you're the only strongest now. so promise me you'll bring her back." was what he asked for.

"okay. okay, i promise."

those few words were enough to make his eyes soften. gojo, the twins, and you were the only people he cherished so dearly. 

this promise was all he needed to keep going.

he wanted to do something for you on his own, but it was better to let gojo do the work. 

he wasn't the strongest anymore, only satoru was.

when he was passing by the hallway to reach his room, he saw your golden doorknob shining in the moonlight. he opened it carefully, stepping into your room. he didn't bother turning on the lights. 

there was a couple of pictures around, a few magazines here and there. clothes were all over the place— he even spotted a tank top hanging from your ceiling fan. 

he also noticed a shit ton of gold objects and a fat stack of cash on your desk.

your bed wasn't made either. he sat on it, running his fingers through the silk sheets. he slowly laid down, bringing the covers close to his face. it smelled like you. 

he sighed deeply, and before he knew it, he shed a tear. was it out of relief? he couldn't tell his emotions apart anymore.

he cried himself to asleep. 

geto came back to your room every single night from this point on.

and every night, he wished really hard. he prayed the moon and kissed the stars. 

he wished that one day, he'll fall asleep in your arms.

*✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:

✞ 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐘✞

*✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:    *✧･ﾟ:

it was past midnight, and you were tiptoeing back to your dorm for the first time after being temporarily kicked out. 

gojo was behind you, grinning from ear to ear. he was more than proud of his surprise. 

even if he tried to be quiet, gojo was not very discreet. not at all. 

at some point, you grabbed his bicep to pull him faster, and he let out a loud squeak. 

"shhh! you're gonna wake up megumi. he'll get grumpy with me again." you pouted.

"and i'm telling you, he won't." he whispered back.

"but yuuji told me he got hit by him." you looked at him through your lashes, and it made him melt. "i don't want megs to hate me..."

gojo didn't know what getting over him, but he tried flirting with you. 

"you know," he caressed your cheek, "he'll never hit a pretty girl like you. and if he tries, i won't let him." 

he expected you to blush, hide your face and swoon over him, but he received a hard slap instead. he shouldn't have deactivated his infinity.

you were frowning, your other hand crushing his wrist that was on your cheek earlier. 

"ouchie! you'd better let that go, y/n!" he cringed in pain. 

"are you saying that women aren't equal to men?"

"what?? no! i never said that!"

"but you did." you insisted, getting angrier by the second.

"i pinky promise you, it's megumi who said it!" he started panicking.

"no, i didn't."

both of your heads turned towards the newcomer, who was none other than megumi and the two other first years.

"and you lie on top of that? men are pigs." nobara deadpanned.

"guys, let's take a deep breath—"

"so you're saying that you won't hit y/n because she's a girl?" yuuji tilted his head in confusion.

"that's not what i—"

"hit me, gojo!" you shrieked. "prove to me that you're not an alpha male podcast listener in disguise!"

"look... i won't ever raise my hand on you. maybe one day, we'll get to—"

"don't be a pussy! hit me, i can take it!" 

oh good, how bad he wished you'd tell him that in different circumstances. geto's confession didn't even cross his brain from the carnal desire he felt towards you; you and you only.

he sighed, the corner of his lips twitching. "alright." he agreed as he raised his hand to hit you. gojo satoru was not a pussy. 

"oh my god." nobara gasped. "are you an abuser?" 

"HUH? you hit women gojo-sensei? even i wouldn't stoop that low." yuuji exclaimed out of astonishment.

megumi couldn't stand his idiotic classmates, but this was a sight he deeply enjoyed. 

"NO!! I WASN'T EVEN GONNA HIT HER THAT HARD!" 

your eyes darkened. "so you're not taking me seriously?"

"megumi! defend me! i rescued you from your crazy clan! you owe me one!"

"who said i wanted to be saved?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"you fatherless little sh—"

"what's going on, satoru?"

the door of your room was wide open, revealing your teacher. his eyes bags and puffy eyes was the first thing you noticed. it seemed like he lost quite a bit of weight too. 

you've never seen someone you care so deeply about being in such a terrible state. your heart contracted painfully from a foreign emotion you felt.

"geto-sensei?" you tentatively called out.

the man, almost unrecognizable, immediately turned his head towards the sound of your voice. his eyes lit up, his breathing got faster. "you're back."

nobara raised an eyebrow at the scene. "why is there a teacher in her dorm?" she whisper-yelled.

yuuji shrugged his shoulders. his mood dropped a bit, but he was still curious, so he looked at megumi for answers. the said boy shook his head, as if to say 'not now'.

geto freed his best friend's hand from yours, entangling his fingers with you. "you're really here." his eyes softened, and he bit his lip to stop himself from crying.

he glanced at you, and once he did, he was unable to look somewhere else. only you mattered. "are hakari and kirara coming back too?"

you only nodded your head. 

geto smiled softly. "thank god."

your bottom lip trembled, and you immediately latched yourself onto the man. your shoulders shook slightly, and light sniffing could be heard.

"thank you, geto-sensei. thank you for caring so much about me and my friends, even if no one else did."

"everyone cares about you." he ran his fingers through your hair. his eyes met gojo's, who was looking at the scene intensely. 

"they cared about me, but not about kinji and kirara. i've noticed this, even if i'm not very smart." you sobbed. 

"so i'll always be grateful."

✞ 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐎𝐘✞

next!!

©potassiumivy, 2024. all rights reserved. do not translate / modify / republish my works.

taglist: @sad-darksoul

[octuscle]

Lord, all I want is to turn my roommate into a hot biker my age, around 18/20 years old…. My current roommate is just a nerd, showers everyday, and is too clean. I want a goofy, dumb biker boy roommate please!

Your roommate really is a pain in the ass. He's constantly lecturing you about some astronomy shit that you're really not interested in. He plays video chess with some friends who live in the middle of nowhere and talks to them in Klingon. Everything about him annoys you. The noises he makes when he breathes. The way he brushes his teeth. His quirk of always wearing funny colored socks. Yes, he's probably a genius. He's only 16, has no hair on his sack yet, but is already a sophomore in college. But that doesn't change anything. He's unbearable!

The first thing you notice is his language… His nasal British English becomes harsher, his language simpler and simpler. And you could swear there's an accent mixed in… Something funny. Russian? He's probably learning a new language in his spare time now. You could puke!

"Sup, comrade?" he greets you as he arrives home very late by his standards. You look at him questioningly. "Hey man, I come driving school. You always say that you're half man without driver's license." You never said that. You didn't even know he didn't have a driver's license. You smile painfully. And go back to your Playstation. Your flatmate lies on the bed with his shoes on and reads a car magazine that he has obviously picked up at driving school. Boy, he's really off the wall today.

You are woken up the next morning by your flatmate. He comes in the door in a sweat. "That was good training. You have come with me tomorrow" he grunts. Damn, the Slavic accent seems natural and not at all fake. Maybe it's always been his language and the British accent was artificial… Your flatmate sprays a little Axe under his arms, gets dressed and disappears. "Driving school" he mumbles on the way out. What he does, he does consistently. But it's never happened that he leaves without making his bed and tidying his gym clothes. Okay, he's never been to the gym before.

When he comes home in the evening, he's talking loudly on the phone. I have no idea what language that is… Russian? Could also be Bulgarian, Serbian or something else. In any case, his squeaky voice has given way to a pretty impressive barition. Without greeting you, he throws his heavy leather jacket and helmet on the bed and goes into the bathroom, continuing to talk on the phone. His baritone gives way to a groan, followed by a loud "Fuuuuuuuuuck". He comes out of the bathroom grinning, stows his cock away and asks if you've cum today. Otherwise he would suck you off. You decline with thanks. And regret it just a few minutes later.

It's 06:00 when your roommate's alarm clock rings. Has he been sleeping naked? In any case, he goes to the bathroom naked. A few minutes later you hear him wanking again. You don't hear him showering. But when you see him coming out of the bathroom, still naked, you see his semi-hard cock. And it's impressive. Maybe you should ask him today if you can suck him off. You ask why he's up so early. He answers. "I got new job. And I want pump first. Will come with me?" "Maybe tomorrow," you reply and close your eyes again. Half asleep, you notice your flatmate putting on a boiler suit and heavy work boots. A leather jacket on top. He picks up his rucksack and helmet and noisily leaves your room.

The guy who comes into your room in the evening is not your flatmate. At least not at first glance. He notices your questioning look. "I cut hair. More handy with helmet. Like it?" He kneads his impressive bulge. He smells of sweat, leather and engine oil. You get a hard-on and fall to your knees.

Your flatmate is actually more of a lone Slavic wolf. He doesn't make a big deal out of it. He loves his bike, he loves his job as a mechanic and he loves pumping iron. Pretty much in that order. But sometimes he needs a pillion. Someone to suck his cheesy uncut cock. And you love that job.

Slika pronađena @zakucavanje

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[orions-choker]

could you pls maybe write rough dom lars x reader :P

if not just kirk x reader smut i will take that shit any day of the week i fuckibg love him there’s just no lars content for me to chew on ANYWHERE atm so thought id ask :)

A/N: I hope this is okay for you! I haven't published anything with lars yet so I'm not sure how well I write him. I hope you enjoy either way!

Warnings: Dom-Sub undertones, Name calling, face fucking, filming. Word Count: 2,124

Being asked to work on the production team for Metallica was like a fever dream. She hadn’t been told much when she had been hired, nothing more than she was about to film every waking moment of them producing their new album. It had her bouncing off the walls in excitement, her first big moment in filming.

She was nothing more than a camera operator, however that also meant she was most intimately in the boys’s space. Y/N wasn’t exactly sure how she thought they would react to her shoving a camera in her face nearly 24/7, but it was somehow worse than she could imagine. It was made very clear how much the boys opposed being filmed. Everyone except Lars.

Lars was entertaining to say the least. It was almost like he lived to be in front of the camera. It gave him every opportunity to speak about whatever he felt like, and everyone had to listen. She almost felt bad for the editors who would have to comb through the footage she got of him, knowing the majority of his babbling wouldn’t be viable for the finished project.

It was endearing, the way he got excited and animated. She noted his accent thickened the longer he spoke, the more comfortable he got. Y/N gravitated towards him for that reason, it felt like she was filming the Lars show rather than the entirety of metallica. They developed a bond. It made her feel warm and fluttery the way he would call out to her as soon as she arrived for the day.

Everyday except for today. When she arrived at their studio where most of the filming was taking place, no one had given her any warning for the shit storm she was about to walk into. With the camera heavy on her shoulder she waltzed into the recording booth, immediately the tension in the room blanketed her.

The producers gathered around looked tense, all four of the guys were recording in the booth together looking more annoyed than anything. Most noticeably Lars was far more aggressive on his drum kit than she had ever seen before. She nearly winced as she began recording, focusing on the producers rather than the band.

“You’re still off time Lars.” Someone leaned forward into the studio mic as the song they were recording came to an end. The anger radiating off of the Danish man was palpable. The fury in his eyes may not have been directed towards her but she felt small anyways.

Y/N tuned out the argument that ensued between Lars, the producers and the rest of the band. She hated it, the feeling like she was invading their privacy, but this is what she was hired to do so the tape continued to roll. Eventually they finished the session, recording a copy of the song that at least to her untrained ears, sounded really good.

Lars had stormed off practically the moment the session ended, tossing his drumsticks off to the side. This was the first time she had seen him so pissed. She would have left it alone if it weren't for the urging of her director to go after him. Everyone knew Lars was especially sweet on her and if anyone were to get footage of this it would be her. Hesitantly Y/N followed him into one of the many smaller lounge rooms in the studio. Suddenly the weight of the camera felt unbearable as she peaked her head around the corner. He was sprawled on the couch, head tilted back against the cushions. His bare chest heaved as he gathered his breath from the workout that came from playing the drums. “Not right now Y/N.” He warned her as he lifted his head to look up at her and the waiting camera. She frowned knowing they wouldn’t be able to use this clip now that he had addressed her directly. Though it gave her the opportunity to speak now.

“Sorry Lars, I don’t want to.” She apologized genuinely as she moved around the couch, settling down on a chair opposite from him. “But I still have to do my job.” She focused the lens, and through the viewfinder she could clearly see the displeased scowl on his face.

Slowly he pulled his body up into an upright position. The glare he sent her way wasn’t like anything she had been subjected to before. She shied away as best she could while holding the camera steady. “Oh fuck off, blow me.” He spat at her. Something in her stomach flipped, it had been clearly meant as an insult but the way the vulgar words dripped off his lips left her feeling…conflicted.

She wasn’t supposed to but she shut off the recording, heaving the heavy technology from her shoulder and placing it down on the coffee table in a form of a truce. There was a flash of regret in his eyes at the sight of her wounded expression. However her next words caught him off guard. “If I did, would it help?” She asked softly.

The boldness in her words left Lars speechless for once. She stood up, moving to slide the lock on the door. “It was a fucking joke Y/N.” Lars sputtered out, running a hand through his hair in disbelief. His eyes widened in disbelief as she dropped to her knees in front of him, her hands coming up behind her head to pull her hair back in a messy ponytail. “Are you serious?”

Y/N shrugged with a small smile. “Good stress reliever right?” She said, placing her hands nervously on top of her knees. She wasn’t sure what had come over her, but she hated the tension between the two of them when he was angry, and of course her attraction towards him was undeniable.

For a moment she watched the gears in his head turn before he laughed dryly. “Fuck I didn’t know you were a slut.” The name should have upset her but it sent a strike of electricity through her core instead. His hand suddenly came up to roughly grab her ponytail in his fist. Tugging her forward towards his crotch as he pulled his growing hardness free from his shorts. “Go ahead then, suck me off.”

The grip he had on her hair was painful, her brows furrowing lightly at the way her scalp ached. Obediently she opened her mouth, her tongue laying flat as Lars guided the head of his cock between her lips. The groan it incited from him had Y/N eagerly leaning forward to take more in. As she went to move Lars tugged her back, clicking her tongue at her. “No, don’t move, whores don't get to take control.” Y/N whined at his harsh words, the way he guided her head up and down his length at whatever pace he chose. She felt powerless against him and it excited her. She relaxed her muscles to allow Lars easy control over her. He wasted no time in setting a brutal relentless pace, her throat constricting and gagging around the girth as he slammed himself into the back of her throat. There was a mess of spit and tears dribbling across her chin.

“Aww fuck, Y/N.” Lars groaned, slurring his words through his accent. The sound had her desperately shoving her hand underneath the waistband of her jeans, rubbing at her wet heat through her underwear desperate for relief. She let out a soft moan around his cock and suddenly he stopped moving.

She was pulled off with an aggressive ‘pop’. Her breathing was ragged and heavy as she looked up at Lars confused. Roughly he pulled her to her feet, grasping her hand and pulling it from her jeans. “Who said you could touch yourself?” He spat out. A blush spread across her cheeks in shame. “This is about me isn’t it? Not you.”

Suddenly he was pushing her forehead, his hand sprawling across the small of her back as he tugged her jeans and underwear down her skin in one go. She shivered at the cool air dancing across her warm flushed skin. “ S-sorry!” she gasped out, her voice weak from the abuse her throat had just received.

“You will be.” He laughed, his fingers traced along the outside of her exposed entrance, up through the wet folds before pulling back and leaving a heavy slap across the flesh of her ass. Her body lurched forward from the sting. “You’re lucky you’re so cute.” Suddenly his breath was ghosting across her ear, his voice softer and more tender. “Is it okay if I fuck you?”

The way he made sure to ask even with how clearly eager she was had her smiling. She nodded quickly, wiggling her hips back against him. “Yes, please.” Her voice was laced with desperation. The grip he had on her tightened eagerly. He pushed her head further down against the couch cushions, spreading her legs further apart as he stood between them.

She felt fully exposed like this, face down, ass up, in the middle of the lounge. The only thing separating them from the numerous people in the studio was one lousy lock. There was a sudden protrusion against her entrance, the prodding head of his dick against her dripping hole forced a gasp from her lungs. In one smooth movement he slid into her tight wet heat.

He moaned above her, a little lighter and whinier than she expected. His hands came to rest on her hips as he pushed himself flush against her ass. “Fuckin’ tight for a whore.” He huffed as her walls constricted around him. With the angle they were at Y/N could practically feel him in her stomach, the slow drag of his cock inside her as he pulled out was intoxicating.

With a quick snap of his hips she was getting pushed further into the couch. Her toes curled as he picked up pace, the sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room. The cushions did little to muffle her moans as he fucked her relentlessly in couch. Her hands scrambled to hold onto something as her body went limp against him. “Fuck so good, so fucking good for me.” He groaned.

“Please, can I please touch myself.” Y/N asked desperately, the ache between her legs growing unbearable. Instead of answering Lars draped his body across her back, one hand snaking around her waist to press his fingers against her clit. Just like the rest of him, his fingers were rough, fast. He worked her clit at a matching pace that sent her over the edge.

A broken moan spilled past her lips as her stomach tightened, her release gushing over his cock like a wave. Her walls spasmed around him as he slammed into her deeper than he had before. It sent a wave of pain through her core as he hit her cervix. A sudden warmth spilled inside her as she milked him of his climax.

His breath was heavy in her ear, their skin stuck together with the sweat that had formed over them. As his cock softened inside her she felt the mixture of their cum spilling down her shaky thighs. Lars groaned, wrapping his arms around her tightly as he fell to the side onto the couch beside her. It was an awkward angle they way they both were lying on the couch. Their limbs tangled together nearly falling off the edge.

“You know, they gave you a lot of shit for being on time, but that felt pretty well timed.” She attempted to joke. It worked, the way he snorted behind her. “Did it help?” She asked softly, craning her head to look behind her at him. She was surprised as leaned forward to press his lips to hers, and she was suddenly aware they hadn’t even kissed before they fucked.

Lars nodded slowly. “Yeah, it helped.” He hesitated for a moment. “I didn’t mean it when I called you a slut by the way.” He assured her with a comforting squeeze. It was probably the sweetest she had ever seen him, fucked out and sleepy. Suddenly his eyebrows raise. “Did you mean to film all that?” He asked, gesturing to the camera still sitting on the coffee table, perfectly facing them.

Y/N sat up confused. “No, I turned it off.” She assured him, turning her head to look. Then the flashing red light indicating the tape was still rolling caught her eye. The color drained from her face. Distantly she could hear Lars’s laughter as she stared down the lens, her ears ringing. “Ah, fuck.”

[idkmynameiskat]

why did you decide to go sober?

Someone asked me this earlier and typing it out made me wish it was more inspiring or whatever lol but it’s real life.

Honestly, I really just hate who I am as a person and found myself drinking and smoking everyday because I like who I am way more when I’m high/tipsy. It was getting to a point I was smoking so much it was making my asthma unbearable and drinking so much I was getting sick a few times a month from it, I just got over it.

I was tired of feeling like shit physically, spending money on rum almost weekly, and I knew I wasn’t going to love myself if I was hiding who I was under weed and alcohol every day 🤷🏽‍♀️ unfortunately I am just not the type of person who can “ration” things, if it’s in the house ima drink it or ima smoke it, so I had to cut it off cold turkey to give myself a chance.

I don’t really know what my plans moving forward are to get myself to a point where I truly do love who I am, but I figured stopping that shit until I figure it out would be worth it. At least I hope it is 🤷🏽‍♀️

[wishful-seeker]

Ok but can we please talk about the trauma of HEALING from chronic illness too?

For 4 YEARS I've searched and gone through countless doctors and immense pain, obviously, very traumatic.

But now i have The Medicine that literally means i get to live a full life with manageable pain instead of unbearable pain.

But guess what, THATS TRAUMATIC TOO God was like "you may i have won the war but now REBUILD EVERYTHING FROM THE GROUND UP"

Because its not like, Take The Meds = All Better Now! It's more like take the meds = feel fucking amazing compared to before the meds but still not well enough to do shit and if you TRY to do shit you will feel immense pain again and everytime it happens you'll be terrified of losing everything again.

For example, when my mom started remicade she had to be on it FOR A YEAR before she could do Things™ again

And ya know how people say being IN the traumatic situation is easier to deal with than HEALING from the trauma (and in this case also physical damage) it caused?!! Thats what im talking about

Before Medicine™ i EXPECTED to just suffer forever, everyday was never ending pain, there was stability in the pain

Now everyday is "will i hurt or feel good?" "If i feel good is that "good" stable or fragile?" Like now i have the option of getting my hopes up, and it makes pain days feel worse!

If you give me 3 weeks of feeling pretty good, then give me a month of excruciating pain, im more miserable than if i never felt good! Its fucking hard!

Today was a horrible pain day and usually i can tune out and be like "thats life ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ " but today i was fucking mad! I was cursing at my microwave bc i forgot to turn it on to heat up my heat pack and that means 1 EXTRA MINUTE OF PAIN AND ITS UNBEARABLE. Even a literal extra minute sent me into rage. Ive been crying a lot too. And not just because its a pain day, 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵. I woke up in this pain, and i didn't do anything today, or the day before to cause any flair up. Ive been in bed the entire time.

To finally have The Medicine™ means my brain IMMEDIATELY reverts back to "im SUPPOSED to feel good" which means i push myself to hard, too fast, and get my hopes up. Its fucking rough.

[lomlkenji]

༊*·˚ whatever it takes | sky

★ summary : sky will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. 

★ warning : mature language, mentions of death, angst if you squint <3

MAIN MASTELIST

★ ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

Sky felt this heart drop when got news that you got hurt by the burned one alongside Silva. You weren't supposed to actually go with him but being the stubborn little shit you are, you convinced Silva to take one of his 'favourite soldiers' with him. 

The hurt was unbearable, you felt like your skin was shredding little by little everyday, and when you winced or had trouble getting up or going somewhere Sky felt a little bit of his heart break. 

He was being such a good boyfriend you could cry. Always making sure you're okay, kissing you every so often showering you with all the love he can. He was an absolute dream—although sometimes it's a bit much—you love the extra attention. 

He never left your side, he even showered with you when you're comfortable with it and claimed that he 'wants to make sure you're safe.' 

In a sense it was true, he was just taking care of you, but it's also because he loves being as close to you as possible. 

• • •

Today was your normal check up with Professor Harvey for him to clear the wound on your side. You weren't getting any better and you knew that. Sky knew that, and it terrified the shit of him. 

He can't move his eyes from the blood that was rushing out of your wound, he can't imagine what you must be going through right now. 

Sky didn't even notice his eyes start to water until you cup his face in your hands wiping the tears that escaped his eyes. 

"Sky," you sighed sadly, moving your hands to play with his hair. He leaned into your touch a sense of comfort he was grateful he had even in the worse time. "Hey, it's gonna be alright." you assured him. You didn't know if it would be better, but in a sense, assuring him was like assuring yourself. 

Sky's face turned hard in milliseconds. "Yeah, yeah it is." he mumbled before capturing your lips in a kiss, knocking the air out of you. 

He loved you more than anything in the world and he will not just sit by and do nothing. 

You knew Sky like the back of your hand, you can practically hear his thoughts screaming at him. "Sky don't do anything stupid." you said firmly as you guys broke off from the kiss. 

He met your eyes, looking at you with so much worry. He pulled a small smile, that you knew damn well was fake and said, "I won't." 

• • •

Sky did something stupid.

It was dangerous and full on dumb but for what it's worth it saved you and Silva from becoming worse. 

Sniffles filled the room as you waited for Sky to come back. He was getting scolded by Silva and you were practically waiting for your moment to scold him. 

The door creaked open and it revealed a tired looking Sky, his clothes were filthy with dirt and there were some cuts in his face and hands. 

Sky knew what was going to happen when he went into the woods, but knowing that you were safe, he would do it over and over again in a heartbeat. 

You didn't say anything when Sky made his way to you. Again, sniffles were heard and it made the boy felt guilty seeing that it was because of him. 

"Love-" 

"You could've died, Sky." you deadpanned looking at him with glazing eyes before looking back down and started fiddling with your fingers. 

Sky sighed, "Love, I can't just watch you suffer everyday." he said taking your chin tilting it upwards meeting his eyes once again. 

He took notice of your puffy red eyes and kissed your forehead. You leaned away from and mumbled. "I could've lost you." 

He scoffed, "And if I didn't do anything I could've lost you." 

You bit your lip from slapping but also smiling at your dumb boyfriend. "You're so stupid, I love you so much." 

Sky smirked in triumph, "Mhm, yeah you do." he said, leaning forwards to capture your lips. But you were too fast and backed away, again. 

"You an arsehole." you said, slapping his chest. 

"Love you too angel." he smiled, and grabbed your neck kissing your lips deeply. 

Yeah, everything turned out okay. 

reblog for a kiss <3

[austinsmutler]

Hating Everything She Tries On | Austin Butler x Reader | One Shot

Summary: After a year of living as a shut-in with Austin, you're stuck trying to choose a nice dress for your date. Austin doesn't mind watching you get ready though ;)

Pairing: Austin Butler x Reader

Word Count: 1309

What you’ll like: Supportive Austin, Austin oogling you, just casually being smitten, supportive relationship, established relationship, FLUFF

Warnings: None really, this is just adorable. Buuut reader feels a little uncomfortable in some of these dresses, and if that's something you don't want to read about right now, read Everyday instead- a dreamy Austin x Reader comfort fic, just for you :)

A/N: For bonus points, listen to Hating Everything She Tries On by Drake Milligan, the gorgeous song that inspired this.

Masterlist | Requests are currently open (Please tell me everything you want! Confess your sins! Have a good time with it!)

5:30 PM, Friday. Not a hint of thunder or rain outside, but inside the bedroom looked like a category 4 hurricane. Two dresses made up a dejected ‘maybe’ pile on the bed, three more littered the floor. 

“Shit.” You cursed under your breath, standing sideways in the bedroom mirror and inspecting the dress until it felt threadbare on your skin. A tasteful red piece with a sweetheart neckline and rose details on the sleeves. “What do you think?”

You looked in the mirror to catch eyes with Austin, who was sitting on the end of the bed, watching your every move with a thoughtful expression.

“Gorgeous.”

“Liar. Unzip me.” He leaned forward and did as you asked.

“It’s not my fault you look good in all these dresses.” He pressed a kiss to your bare skin before leaning back to watch you shimmy out of the dress.

It was your first date in a while. Austin had been away for months, busy with countless premiers, press tours and interviews around the world. His role as Elvis was an undeniable success and one of his proudest achievements, but it wasn’t without complications. 

Before, your boyfriend had been just yours- now the rest of the world shared your love for him. You couldn’t go out without cameras flashing in your face, and it was a hundred times worse if you were together. His hand in yours did little to settle the fluttering in your stomach when photographers yelled things like, 

“Give us a smile!”

“Austin, when’re you popping the question?”

“Is it true you’re expecting a baby in November?”

It had been over a year since Elvis hit theatres, and the world was still glued to Austin- and you, by extension. The worst of the hype was starting to die down now, and tonight you’d be going to a sweet dinner spot in LA; not too fancy, not too loud. Austin had eaten there plenty of times now without being bothered. The waiters were even starting to act calm when he walked in. Yes, tonight was going to be a good night to rekindle some romance in your relationship.

If you could just find something fucking nice to wear.

This one was black, sexy, a Diana-revenge-style dress with a slit up one thigh and spaghetti straps. You made a face, plucking them like satin guitar strings.

“I hate these.”

“You hate looking like princess Di?” Austin couldn’t hide his smirk.

“It’s too much skin. I don’t want any more of those gross gossipy headlines about my body.”

You slipped the spaghetti straps down your shoulders and kicked the pool of black fabric across the floor. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You ran a hand through your hair, trying to keep calm. Austin pulled you to his lap, arms around your bare waist. 

“You look beautiful in everything.” His voice rumbled against your ear. That was one change you didn’t mind so much since Elvis came out; he had a cute voice before, but now it was unbearably sexy. 

“I’m sorry.” You closed your eyes and lay your head back, in the crook of his neck that always managed to smell so good. You’d missed that smell, a mix of cologne and something unspeakably Austin. “I’m fine. It’s fine.”

“I don’t mind watching you.” He pressed a kiss to your temple, catching your eye in the mirror. He was dressed simply, black dress pants and a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. You were in your underwear. “Surprisingly, I like the view.”

You slapped his arm. “Perv.”

“I can’t help myself.” He grinned and let you get up for another pilgrimage to the closet.

A green velvet dress, one that came to just above your knees. This one had a line of brass buttons at the back. 

“Help me get into this one.” 

Austin’s fingers lingered on your hips once the dress was buttoned. The halter neck felt too hot around your throat, and the way the buttons cinched in your waist was gorgeous- but uncomfortable. 

You fell beside Austin with a groan, head in your hands. “I’m sorry it’s taking me so long.”

You’d never been the kind of girl to do this. Sure, you liked to look pretty- who didn’t? It was normal to dress nicely for yourself, for Austin, but now even doing that felt out of reach. The back of your throat was suddenly hot and choked up, vision blurring with frustrated tears. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You alright?” Your boyfriend frowned. 

“I’m just…” Just what? Tired? Overwhelmed? You needed to pick out a dress, that shouldn’t be hard. 

Austin studied your face for a minute, before nodding and looking ahead. His clear blue eyes met yours in the mirror, and he nodded. 

“I know. Everything’s a lot harder now.” He looked down at his hands. “If you want, if it makes you more comfortable, we can stay home. We can stay dressed up and not have to worry about anything, just be together. Does that sound nice?”

It did- because it was the same date night you’d had for the last year. Waiting for Austin to come home, waiting for the Elvis hype to die down, waiting to get used to the paparazzi and reporters who’d taken an all-of-a-sudden interest in everything from your favourite Starbucks order to your sex life. 

It was more than tempting to stay home and enjoy the privacy of your relationship. Home meant intimacy, a happy little bubble with Austin; but it also meant letting trashy gossip magazines control your life together.

“No. We’re going out. Unbutton me right now.”

He grinned. “Alright.”

He made a point of pressing kisses to your spine as he unbuttoned the dress, helping you lift it over your head. When you turned around to thank him, his face was clouded with an emotion you couldn’t name. 

“You know, I love you more and more every time you change.” He pulled you down for a kiss, lingering close to press his forehead against yours and murmur, “You look beautiful in everything. More beautiful with every dress, in fact. So take as long as you need.”

Heat rose in the back of your throat. What do I say to that? With the way he was looking at you, there was nothing to say. One quick peck and you were back at the closet. 

Maybe it was the way half of your wardrobe was on the bedroom floor. Maybe it was the way Austin went out of his way to remind you of all the reasons you loved him, no matter the challenges you faced together. Or maybe it was just a silly coincidence, but your eyes found a dress that had been pushed to the back of rotation for a while. 

“Austin?”

“Yeah?”

“Close your eyes.”

You peeked around the closet door to see Austin on the edge of the bed with his eyes closed, head back, waiting. Perfect. 

You slipped on the dress and moved to take Austin’s hands, hoping he’d like your decision. His fingers found the zip and moved upwards, the fabric hugging you in all the right places. 

“Okay, open them now.”

“Wow.”

You bit back a smile at the look on his face. 

“I remember this one.”

You nodded; it was an old favourite. The first real dress you’d ever owned, paid for with your first paycheck from a summer internship. You’d worn it on your first date, and many more until you could afford nicer things, until Austin’s work and constant premiers demanded something a little fancier. 

“You always liked me in blue, right?”

“I like you in everything, but especially this.” He winked and stood up. “You ready to go? We can still make our reservation if I speed.”

“Take your time.” You grinned, “I want to enjoy our night.”

[kibutsujidemon]

Hello ! Thanks for bearing with me , I am a Palestinian educator from Gaza whose life is dire and gruesome. Nothing has left for my family except the hope you can support and help us. After 9 months of war we became exhausted, hopeless , desperate , and displaced. Houses and livelihood sources have been lost and gone with the wind. Things are driving us insane and made. The least level of life can't be attained. Healthy water and food have become a dream we need to realize. What worsens our life more is the constant bombings and killings. That is why I am asking in this post to help us survive this unbearable circumstances , moving from hell to safety and peace. Your support can help us be safe and alive so friends you can support us either by directly donating whatever you can or by sharing my campaign links so that generous people can know about our tragedy and pain. Remember your small contribution can make a big difference for the lives of many children whose heath gets worse and worse everyday. Let their life change and let them feel happy through your kind contribution.

https://gofund.me/9b764ae7

❤️💚🤍🖤

"I'm tired of it and I don't give a shit about it!!!!!!"

[honeybeedrabble]

Kinktober Day One 🎃: Pegging - Percy Sage x AFAB!Reader

You and Percy have been running the Poison Sandwich for a while together, and after the shinobi alliance a few years ago business has REALLY taken off. You watch as your boyfriend works diligently through the hard shifts you two go through each and everyday, people from all over the world are dying to get their hands on these foreign delicacies and the lunch rushes are no joke whatsoever.

With business booming, so has Percy’s emotional state. Your once sweet and caring boyfriend has turned into a stress riddled mess, with a short fuse ready to blow at the slightest inconvenience. There has been one way you’ve been taking the stress off however…

“Ngh- fuck! Yes baby, fuck me harder!” He grunts, gripping the sheets unbearably tighter. His perfectly chiseled jaw flexes as he grinds his teeth, pushing his supple ass into your hips with an insatiable hunger for more.

Your strap was double sided, impaling you with the same force in which you had been fucking your boyfriend.

“P-Percy- It’s too much,” you whimper, knees buckling underneath you, your hands shaking as they grip his hips on both sides.

“Stop being such a little bitch and fuck me.“ He muttered, his ass grinding against your hips. You whimpered, the silicone cock tickling your own g-spot. He threw his head back, his dark eyes piercing your own as his jaw hung slack, a soft moan escaping his lips.

You grabbed onto his long, black hair, one hand still on his hip as you rutted into him. His eyes snapped shut and he sighed as you pulled his hair, pulling out of him before snapping your hips flush with his ass.

“A-Ahhh… That’s what I’m talking about.” You watched as his biceps flexed, his shoulders blushing as a muscular arm pulled away from the sheets and attempted to tug at his hard cock.

“Mph- Y-yes!” you called out, watching the silicone member get swallowed by his sensitive ass. You felt it slide deeper into you, with each snap of your hips your pussy was becoming wetter and spilling onto his side of the toy, lubing him with your own arousal.

You slowly sat up on your heels, guiding him into his own sitting position, still straddling your cock. He sunk onto your strap with a low, guttural groan, his hips swaying back and forth as he took your cock whole. He placed your hand on his dick, helping you jerk him off while he rode.

“Be a good girl and let me fuck your fist while you pump me, baby.” He purred, tightening your grip on his weeping dick. You nodded with a whimper, thrusting into him while you chased your own high.

You began to kiss his neck lazily, tongue dragging up and down as he brushed his hair to the side. With a few more pumps his breathing became more and more desperate, your pretty hand running along his shaft as he came all over it and down your wrist. Watching him cum from over his shoulder brought your own orgasm rushing to you as the erotic display sent you over the edge.

“Ah-ah-ahhhhh- shit! Y’feel so good, baby…” He sighed, cum soaking your hand. He raised your hand over his shoulder to your face.

“Thirsty little slut… lick it up, baby. There’s more where that came from.”

A/N: HAPPY KINKTOBER EVERYONE!! wishing you all a very exciting month, you know i had to start it off right! tomorrows fic : Day Two : Roleplay - Lady Tsunade

Tag List: @fuckmachine42069 @pasdasin @alien-girl-violet

[meatmensch]

Journal entry

Genuinely my life is so stupid now and the psychological toll is enormous and I'm scared of everything all the time and I feel like I need something huge and awesome to happen just to keep me from unbearable dread monotony and fear.

Like last night was amazing and definitely important and huge and awesome and everything I hoped it would be but the thing about the good times is they only last so long especially when they're partially beer-induced and inspired by most of the homies being in one place and everything else in life is fucking stupid

Just wish it would all get less scary and overall easier. Going through life feeling like I'm constantly hanging on by a thread and it's literally just back to business as fucking usual because this is just how I was brought up - dealing with this same old stupidity. I know it was good for me to grow and hope but I do get to feeling naïve and stupid for hoping this kind of pain was behind me!

And I fucking know what I can do to make it all easier and feel less scary. The same shit I've been doing for a long time now. The everyday self-care and beating back the brainwashing and effects of all the trauma with a baseball bat and spending time with people who really love me and care about me. But the thing is the one person who was always supposed to love me and care about me is out of her fucking mind and I can't help but feel like a coward for not trying to stop things from going down the way they have but I know it's all just one fucked up trolly problem and she's fucked either way and I would've only gotten even more run over by a train than I already am if I tried to get involved. But man my own fucking mother is in such a vulnerable position and so much danger and our world is so fucking hostile towards severely mentally ill people and people who use drugs and people who are houseless. And I truly fucking hate her stupid backwater goyish Republican family members I really really do. What's happened is no one's fault but if there's anyone to be angry at it's fucking them!!!

Anyway. All this to say I feel frightened and disconnected and like what tethers I have are frayed. And all I can fucking do is keep trying my best. Man when will the grind fucking stop! When will it get easier! Fuck! And I talk to my friends about all of this and they're so nice and there's not much more they could possibly do for me but I just. feel like grabbing everyone by the shoulders and shaking them and screaming DON'T YOU GET IT??? IT'S OVER!!! IN WAYS I NEVER DARED TO FEAR, IT IS OVER! But we just hang out and move on and talk about TV or baseball or the weather. Life grinds on and I and many other are mutilated by its gears.

One of the most frustrating things that I'm dealing with because of all of this is my anxiety is so high we are nearing delusion territory. It is just exhausting 'cause I have to think so much harder about social interactions to assure myself that I'm not behaving like a bad guy and people don't fucking hate me. And even when I've arrived at the correct conclusions logically I still just think and think and think about that shit. It takes a lot of the fun out of hanging out with friends and it makes me feel so sad that my brain is being unfair to them by throwing out all these nasty thoughts about how they don't like me or what have you. I'm like brain this is very rude! But I know I can't get down on myself for that shit too much because I must be so compassionate and loving with myself right now and being a self-hater is not going to help anyone or anything. Anyway. Feels truly so shit and frustrating and embarrassing. My perception of reality is more skewed than normal!!! What the fuck!!! How do I get out of here and back to the world that makes sense and isn't so so scary!!! (I know how: see 4th paragraph.)

The good thing about being in PTSD/familial hell is at least I have Dean Winchester to rely on. I wore my mother's wedding ring yesterday because well I have a bleeding heart and the deancoding runs so so deep. And I've just been thinking about. well. "My father was an obsessed bastard! All that crap he dumped on me about protecting Sam, that was his crap. He's the one who couldn't protect his family. He's the one who let Mom die, who wasn't there for Sam. I always was! He wasn't fair! I didn't deserve what he put on me. And I don't deserve to go to Hell!"

I will now end with some slay words of hope. "Take it easy, but take it." "God would like us to be joyful even when our hearts lie panting on the floor." "Hope for the best, expect the worst." "To everything, there is a season." "Stop the world! I wanna get on!" Also "I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me" and "we close our eyes and dream."