#executive dysfunction strikes again.......... UGH!

[possum-tooth]

i need to finish putting away my clothing but. i cant :(

[forestshadow-wolf]

I.S.B.T.P.K.F.T.S moments (chapter 3)

fic link written by @tavtarnish. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up beeches (affectionately) or don't, I can't tell you what to do.

Ok I missed one (1) very important thing from last chapter. Ghost touching him/his hair

~ like COME ON, soap, my boy, suds, shampoo... you are so oblivious to ghost's pining. WHO else does that man touch?! Hmm? I'll wait... no I won't, because it's NOBODY! And here he is with his grubby (affectionate) little fingers in YOUR hair. And you're so BLIND to it. Like !!!!! Please !!!!

Anyway thank you for coming to my tedtalk. I'm so normal about them as you can see.. no I'm not. I'm so down bad for them being down bad for eachother. It's not even funny

chapter 2 chapter 3

"Soap never claimed he was a saint"

~ there's so much in the first paragraph but this stood out way too much for me to not mention it first. like of course he isn't a saint, nobody is... but the way it's said. it's a completely factual statement, nothing emotional about it. it's then followed by "nor did he pretend to be one." which is simply another factual statement. just words, but then again it's not exactly rare that facts can hurt more than some lies. /but/ on the flip side if you took those words and gave them to someone, "soap, you were never a saint." well those words are emotional. they're meant to hurt, meant to strike a nerve. and then you take that second half and make it a response, "and I never claimed to be one." then that turns into a deflection. like jerking your arm when you hit your funny-bone. a sort of desperate attempt to fix...something. maybe that's why it stands out to me. because it hurts but... i don't think he meant for it to hurt him. maybe it was just a fact but then the hurt kinda came as an afterthought like, 'oh that made me feel kind of not good slightly and idk why'

~ yes I'm giving this point two parts. because i have two thoughts on it that kind of connect but only vaugely. this is also the RSD, and again logically of course he isn't. I think it also does or could lead in 2 different directions. 1) of course he isn't, so why even try to be. right? or 2) well yeah maybe he isn't, but maybe he could have tried harder to be like one or a little less unsaintly. i need to emphasize that these two points can coexist at the same time (tbh im like 70% sure this would be a form of executive dysfunction. where you know that you can/should do something, but you can't make yourself) im also swinging back to those self-esteem issues, because those go hand in hand. like even just the comparison in it of itself. a saint, a holy figure, compared to a 'selfish' military man. there is no comparison if you are weighing guilt. it's a stone vs a feather, the feather is by nature lighter than the stone. and it'd take a lot more feathers to make one kg (I kinda wish america would just switch to metric) than it would stones. anyway im 100% sure I read too far into this

Soaps want (need) to be near ghost almost constantly

~ i honestly don't know why this happens but anytime I become really attached to someone I just want to touch them. not in a weird way, just gotta make that clear. but more like slinging an arm across their shoulders, or using them as a foot/head rest, or playing footsies. im very aware that this often can read as flirtations but thoes really aren't my intentions. I feel like this is the same way for soap. I know that their relationship is romantic but I feel like this definitely is not soap flirting or anthing like that. I think this is just soaps brain being like 'yes this is a good person, must touch, be close'.

soap's subsequent need to be far away from ghost right now

~ it's so damaging to himself that it reached through he screen and punched me in the face. placing price and/or gaz between him and ghost? ugh that hurts. and then on top of that he feels like it's selfish? like baby no. please be nice to yourself, ghost cares about you. he cares about /you/ not Sergent Mactavish.

him just wanting that feeling to stop

~ that tightness in his chest that he feels, almost like shame or disgust at himself. the way that it squeezes tighter whenever he sees ghost. and the way that he gaslights himself into thinking that pulling away will make that feeling go away, even tho he knows it won't.

~ adding this as a separate thing under the same point bc idk how to label it. metaphors and emotions don't mix with logic and physics. because they're not tangable. they're harder to grasp, harder to understand. they're slippery, and hard to explain. and somehow you just know that you can't fix them the same way you fix a broken vase. how usually the most logical way to fix and heal them is not glue, or gold, or tape, or anything else like that. you can't just stick them together and hope that it fixes itself. you can't even simply scrap them and get another. sometimes the best way to fix them is to not do anything at all. and sometimes it's to run away. and sometimes you can't fix them. and maybe this was poorly explained but the point is: logic and emotions are opposites, you cannot fix one the same way you do another. maybe that's why Soap is running away 'pulling the knot tighter' hoping that it'll unravel itself.

HE SAID IT!!!!! HE SAID THE THING!! HFJDHFJDKSJ

~ "god forbid he disappointed his superior" he said thought that. he's acknowledging the RSD without even realizing it. and he doen't even knwo why. he wonders what changed, where his opposition for authority went. where that idgaf attitude went. it didn't go anywhere. it's that this time it's Ghost. not any other lieutenant, it's /GHOST/. and it matters because ghost is important. ghost matters to him. he cares about ghost. about what ghost thinks.

can we just talk about this man punching an MP officer for a second?

~ like the SoapGhost shipper in me wants to think that it was because the officer was talking smack about Ghost (logically that I know that it isn't true in canon or this fic, but still, I can dream right?). a part of me thinks it'd be funny if the officer was insulting his (fabulous) hair, even though I don't really think it fits his character. a very hopeful part of my brain says he did it because the officer was saying something sexist or racist or homophobic or something of that nature. because I fully believe that he would have a reaction like that to that kind of situation.

~ also just casually locking said MP officer in his own car?? first of all, I guess what else would you do in that situation. second of all, i just know he had such an adrenaline rush from that, i'd pay to see a video of that. him maybe with a bunch of buddies, all running from the scene of the crime, the camera angle is shaky and bouncing up and down cus the camera-man/woman/person is running away too.

the way he's acutely aware of the fact that he's treating Ghost differently

~ back to the sads now. his relationship with ghost is unique to anything else he has with anyone else. he's so finely attuned to ghost himself, it's crazy, INSANE even. I just know that he /loves/ his dynamic with the man. and yet it makes it /that/ much harder for him to act 'normal' around him.

~ also the way he is vehemently denying his feelings for Ghost. and when i say denying I don't mean the kinda "no I'm not interested in my superior, bla bla bla". I mean the kind where he knows and accepts his feelings, but at the same time won't allow himself to feel those feelings.

soap doing the bare minimum of not overworking himself, and ghost watching him

~ that burning urge need to do something, anything that keeps his mind occupied. the way he has to find a proper balance between pushing himself, and not getting sat on his ass in medical. i can feel in my bones that he feels like what he is allowed to is not enough, that's why he goes back to that nervous tic of scratching at his fingers. you could argue he could do something like paperwork or whatever (what do military people do? idk) but it's just... different. it /has/ to be physical work.

~ the way ghost is so worried about him, is watching him. but the way it feels like he's being scrutinized. like he thinks ghost thinks he's incapable of his job. the way he just wants ghost to stop looking at him. the way it sparks an irrational rage in soap, even though he know he shouldn't have any reason for the irritation. (hint hint im like 99.9% sure that this means he's irritated with himself... if my own experiance is anything like this)

it was. it was at himself...

~ the feelings of inadequacy. that's all I have to say. and the anger at himself. all those things he did wrong...

the way he has to rationalize with himself

~ he definitely feels like a PoS. he is not, let's just make that clear (yes I refer to myself in the plural... im actually just several rats). logically he knows that he is a fantastic soldier, but everybody has those days where you just don't feel like it. where you have to force yourself out of that mentality with cold hard facts, to ease your mind.

AGAIN WITH THE REFUSAL TO BANTER

~ yes im making a big deal of this. because its basically the foundation of their relationship. so to see that not happening, is like watching the house from disney's encanto start to show cracks and not be fixed. JEBUS CRIMMNEY SHAMPOO!! YOUR BOYFEE IS NOT MAD AT YOU!!!

the way ghost interacts with soap, and also the hurt

~ the way ghost pulls his hands apart, to stop him from scratching his hands raw. the way he's so gentle with soap makes me just wanna gahjhafgrryhujnfhg. and the uncomfortable silence bc soap doesn't know how to act around ghost anymore. and then the way ghost checks up on him? because he cares about him. but- but- but the way soap hears ghost use his rank instead of his name. it's so normal and yet it still hurt for some reason. and i think it's because he was more or less prepared for himself to change or act different. but he wasn't prepared for ghost to change how he acts around soap (even though he wasn't /really/ acting differently, it just felt like it). and i think maybe soap wasn't fully prepared for the consequences of how changing himself would also make ghost react differently. idk if i worded that in a confusing way, but i don't know how else to say it.

~ the way he knows in a logical sense that ghost wasn't treating him any differently. he's able to push the hurt down, to compartmentalize it.

the way his responses are short and clipped

~ he's trying to get away from the conversation, away from ghost, as fast as he can. the way he clams up, giving only 1-2 word answers.

the way ghost makes an effort to keep conversation with him

~ soap obviously thrives on social interaction, especially with ghost. and now he's all of the sudden just refusing to speak to him? suspicious...

the way he also hates how ghost calls him johnny

~ like he can't decide weather he wants ghost to treat him the same or not. because it just makes it so much harder for him to control himself. because now ghost obviously isn't mad at him, and that makes it /so/ hard for him to be different. if ghost was mad at him, then that gives him a very obvious motivation to change.

using his injury as an excuse for acting different

~ he knows that they are both very aware of the fact that it was a shit excuse. he feels guilty lying to ghost and it just- ugh- gfujadhskuhagfh

the way he doesn't really remember what happened but ghost clearly does

~ ghost was/is so worried about him. but because he's so emotionally repressed (relatable) it comes off as anger or some other negative emotion (attitude?). it especially does with soap's current mindset, which only makes it worse.

soap getting lost in ghost's eyes

~ because even if he's supposed to be sergent mactavish, that doesn't mean he isn't still johnny or john 'soap' mactavish. which means he's still got thoes feelings for ghost, and he can indulge himself for a moment.

the last paragraph (idk how to describe it accurately)

~ the way the entire situation has him confused, at ghost's actions towards him, how he's supposed to be around price and gaz vs ghost. and the frustration at himself to just act how he wants to, and to feel how he's supposed to. and ghost's refusal to tell him anything about what happened, and why ghost won't just act like a lieutenant towards him. and how he can't manage to act right no matter who he's with.

sorry if this last bit feels rushed, this has been sitting in my drafts unfinished for... *checks notes* THREE WEEKS?!? oops... well it's here now :]

[agent-cupcake]

UGH im so glad you've been playing the DLC!!! Yuri is just. the best and I love his interactions with Claude. how have you been enjoying it?

I have to admit Yuri is pretty good. I’ve finished the DLC, but haven’t seen all of his support convos yet so maybe that’s part of why I’m not as pumped about him as I really ought to be. I really love Constance. She appeals to me on a spiritual level, and her voice is so cute! When Claude mocked her I straight up had to stop the dialogue because I was laughing so hard. That boy is too dang much.

Now, critical opinion time, the DLC was... Fine. I avoid fandom as much as I can, but I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I guessed the story and ~twist~ from the second the plot was set. So much so that I began doubting myself because I didn’t think the story could possibly be that generic. Three Houses story was nothing spectacular, but there’s a lot about it that I love. A messy mix of ideas and details and plot threads that sometimes weren’t executed super well, but boy if they didn’t make me fall in love. Cindered Shadows felt empty, and it shouldn’t have! You take these four weirdos brought together into a charmingly dysfunctional ragtag band of society rejects and place them in a contrastingly grimy environment of an ancient city hidden beneath the ground that houses a distinct criminal element, and trap them in a story and game so agonizingly predictable and forgettable? Is this some kind of twisted joke!?!?! No, but a million percent, the characters were the shining rays of light that got me through the plot... But ultimately I didn’t even feel like they cared about what was happening anymore. Byleth certainly didn’t.

I’m gonna stop with my negative, toxic opinions now lol. Please do not get it twisted, I freaking love this game... Like, to a degree that is likely highly unhealthy. The new music is wonderful, I feel as if ‘At What Cost?’ was what ‘Apex of the World’ should have been. Intense, deeply angsty, not so heroic. Doing something you must, but... At what cost..? Amazing. I had a lot of fun with the gameplay, I’m looking forward to playing it again even though I spent way too much time and struggled way too much with each map. Abyss is cool. It suffers the same issues as the monastery, but that was expected, I really like the aesthetic and idea. Truthfully, underground (or...underwater) cities are my Thing. The characters, again, are the highlight. Not just the individual, but the chemistry between them. I bought into the idea of this weird little family. I loved how Dimitri’s stiff and formal way of speaking and heroic ideals didn’t really mesh with everyone else, and the use of Ashe as a contrast to purple boy himself. Again, Yuri and Constance are a genuine delight. Yuri’s voice is... Mighty fine. It was a little jarring to hear coming out of that lovely mouth... Absolutely striking. While there are so many issues I have with the game’s visuals on the whole, the CG’s were a huge step up from the base game. I actually got rid of the dialogue box to just look at them. 

Anyway, there are so many more things that I loved (but also a thousand other issues I have) but that’s it for now because nobody wants this. I’m really looking forward to developing on the things I didn’t like, you know? Oh, the joys of a pathetic fanfic writer! This has been Cupcake’s Game Review. Have a good weekend