#familial toxicity is whatever but like arguing and then kissing about it sounds nice.

[the-whisper-box]

I just think a tryst with an old woman would simultaneously fix and destroy me, and I think that's what I need right now.

[lovesanmotion]

ateez reacts: in a serious arguement with s/o

💌 This is: requested

Hongjoong: 

When you met Hongjoong, it was the happiest day of your life. Everytime you get sad, your brain takes a trip down memory lane and reminds you of the day when you met him. Of course it brings a smile on your face. However, a happy memory can no longer bring happiness to you. 

Arguement after arguement, nothing seems to be coming to peace between you and Hongjoong. One heated night, tensions arose once more between the two of you, arguing how Hongjoong so desperately wants a child but you say you still weren’t ready. 

“We’ve been married for three fucking years! If only I knew our marriage is going into a shithole, I shouldn’t have married you or should have opted for a second marriage!” Hongjoong slams his fist onto the wooden table that broke and slid down on the floor. Tears brimmed your eyes at the impact and weight of his words. You felt guilty and to blame for. 

“Y-Y/N- I didn’t mean that..” Hongjoong spoke, his features softening as he tries to approach you. But you looked up to him, your visions blurry at the tears ooling in your eyes. 

“No it’s okay. It’s really okay. It looks like you’ve made up your mind and why should I get in the way? I hope you’re happy with the choice you’ve made.” You smiled at him, despite the pain and emotional stress you’ve pent up for weeks, you let it all out by crying yourself to sleep, And when the morning comes, you quietly slip out of the shared apartment and Hongjoong’s life. 

Seonghwa: 

Days spent with Seonghwa always felt like walking into a flowery road that would lead you two into happiness. And the road is endless, you were sure that he’s the one for you. But you spoke too soon. 

Now, throwing plates are being thrown at one another, dodging those plates as they hit on the walls and picture frames. As Seonghwa throws a plate, it narrowly misses you and smashes into the picture frame that you took on your first date. And suddenly, the world made you two stop and stare and take in everything that happened for the past few minutes. Neither of you two could speak, let alone look at each other in the eye. What happened, happened. And now the silence spoke for the two of you. 

Yunho: 

Your parents were against you dating Yunho. Why? They know for a fact that relationships between an idol and non idol partner were uncommon and would never work due to the fact that the idol’s schedules are hectic and almost has no room for them to breathe into their personal lives. But you still wanted to be with Yunho. At the same time, Yunho’s parents were aginst him dating you as well. Why? To put it simply, you are non idol. They want someone for him who walks down the runways or sings in sold out arenas, but you didn’t fit in any category. 

And lately, it seemed to you that Yunho was slowly giving in to his parents’ wishes. The photos he uploads on his Instagram stories includes different women every night, all of them are not like you. It pains you that this silent arguement kept on going between you two. And one day, while on a walk with Yunho, you stopped walking. You were somehow hoping that he would stop from his tracks and look back at you, if you were catching up to. But to see him continue walking without even going back to look at you is already enough to know where you two are heading. 

Yeosang: 

Yeosang coming into your life was the best thing that has ever happened to your existence up to day. Though you two have different worlds, you solely depended your life and happiness to him. And the world seemed to be in favor of you, after a year of dating, he got down on one knee and married you in front of hundreds of people. You were the happiest, nothing in this world could ever make you sad, as long as Yeosang’s beside you. 

But what if your world’s the one that decides to hurt you? Weeks after the marriage, Yeosang had a complete change of heart. He stopped coming home to you and was always spotted with a certain someone whenever he is outside. Whenever you confronted to him about it, he tells you not to worry. But you knew it was a lie and without knowing, you unconsciously raised your hand and swung it across his face. 

Was it enough to make him feel the pain you feel? Maybe not. But was worth it? Yes. You hated yourself for being not good enough, but most importantly, you hated yourself for depending your happines to a person. 

San: 

They say “nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same”, but you love to disagree with that saying. What about the elderly couples who found love and comfort in each other and are growing old together? What about those couples who, after so many lifetimes, still find each other in different life times? 

Being young and naive has its cons, but you believe in the idea of love and all its forms. And that is what brought yout to believe that San is the one for you. Talking about your plans together, what you two would want to be in the long run, how many children he wants to have. You are young and naive but believe in the idea of love and all its forms. 

But when everything comes spiraling down, a false rumour spreading against you and San chooses to believe whoever spreaded the rumour and never listened to any word you say made you think about the saying. You never confronted San anymore as you let the relationship that you so love and dear fall apart before you. 

Mingi: 

When you got into a relationship with Mingi, you never suspected anything. Nothing was suspiscious and out of the place at all. But after a year of dating did it only made you realize why you were somehow suspiscious: not once did you two fight each other. You couldn’t believe how a year of dating Mingi and is the most healthiest relationship you have ever been. This is exactly what you wanted that others want too, and you were lucky and thankful at the same time. 

But you never got along with his friends, and so did your friends with him too. Whenever they would go out and drink, they would often talk about you and often make up lies about you. This went unnoticed to you, how toxic his friend group. Until one day, Mingi confronted you with all the things his friends have said about you. You argued back by saying how could he believe them instead of listening to what you have to say. THe night went on you two cursing at each other until it was inevitable to fix whatever you two had build together. 

Wooyoung: 

After being married to Wooyoung, you thought everything would fall into place. However, three months into the marriage, not one day did he initiate any itimacy with you. It was always the “good morningy/n” and “i’m going to work now”. He was never like that before when you two were dating, you wondered what caused him to be so cold towards you. 

“When can we expect a grandchild?” Your mother in law asks. 

“Having a child is too early. Y/N and I are still enjoying each other’s company, that’s what matters, mother.” Wooyoung smoothly answers for you. You felt small in the eyes of your in laws, unable to tell them the truth. 

“Do you really think its too soon for us to have a child?” You ask as you cleaned the dishes once his parents left. 

“Having a child is too much right now. My parents even want you to stop working.” 

And that’s when your soft facade cracked. First, Wooyoung has been so cold towards you, second, his family belittled you earlier and now they want to take away the career you’ve worked hard to get. You couldn’t help but let out a dramatic, long sigh and ranted everything that you’ve been feeling. 

“And do you think I have it nicely for me? That you think everything is going well for me? Maybe marrying you was a mistake.” 

Jongho: 

Jongho was never almost always home. He was always outside, impressing his bosses by taking them out to restaurants, treating them to lavish parties and women while you were left at home, having to take care of your eleventh month baby and worried sick if he’ll ever come home. As a good wife, you’ve made everything for him - cook his food, iron his home and work clothes, kept the side of this bed warm and always makes sure he still has hot water to use in the shower. But then, those things that you do for him tires you out now, and you no longer continue to do them for him. 

When he complains how he comes home with no food and a cold shower to use, you kept yourself quiet and moved around like a ghost. Jongho walks up to you and takes a hold on the back of your head, motioning you to turn around to him.

“If I ask you something, you should respond. I’m your husband.” He spat, but you looked at him with hate and pushed yourself off his hold.  

“Husband? You’re always and never home, if only your son could talk right now, he would always ask for you. It’s always me who runs around this house! And I got tired of waiting for you! You don’t how it feels, because you’re too busy kissing other people’s asses!” 

Jongho’s pushes you away from him, maybe a little too agrressive when you landed on the floor with a loud thud. That night, Jongho slept on the couch, and you on the little bedding inside the baby room. Maybe a divorce doesn’t sound so bad after all. 

[kittehkwrites]

Seriously?

Summary: Your fiance notices you’ve been acting different and you don’t know how to tell him the reason for your change in behaviour.

Based on this request

Warnings: fluff

You finance noticed the change in your mood last week when you weren’t ask excited when he came back from shooting the last few scenes of his newest movie feature.

Last week

He walked in, expecting to see you smiling at the bottom of the staircase.  Instead, he was met with you standing by the stairs, with a almost forlorn look and looking a little less lively in general.

“Hey baby.” He excitedly approached you, cautious that you may have been sick after the calls he’d have with you and the way your voice sounded tipped him that something was going on but you’d tell him in your own time. 

As he got closer, he saw you tense. 

There was a nervous look on your face now and he could see the way you’d slightly move and fidget but he kept moving closer because he wanted to feel you in his arms after being gone for so long and being restricted to video calls, random phone calls and texting when he could.

He was a step away with those long legs taking big strides as usual, only for you to dodge his embrace and he was shocked to say the least.

“Hey. Uh” you took the time to move out of his way and clear your throat before moving towards the kitchen, away from him, “I was just heading to the kitchen. You want anything?” You asked as you walked towards the kitchen space, not oncing looking back at him, not wanting to see his face drop like you thought it’d do once he realised you rejected his affection and for your cold greeting.

He watched you continue before gaining his composure and entering the room you were moving around in so comfortably in.

He stood watching you make yourself something to eat before he decided to speak up again.

“You ok?” You momentarily stopped at his tone of voice, one of worry and curiosity and you knew it was because you weren’t acting the same but you couldn’t help it.

“Yup. You” You took a big bite out of the sandwich you made and he watched your eyes get big under his gaze and it made his chest warm whenever he saw you even doing the bare minimum, like eating a sandwich.

“Yea.” He said curtly. 

You were kind of taken back by the shortness but you knew he was hurt.

You continued eating under his questioning stare before he announced he’d be going up to the bed room you shared to take another shower and get some rest.

You wanted to go and shower with him, or be there when he got out of the shower to watch him walk out in a towel, brown skin all wet and smelling good but you didn’t think that was going to happen until you spoke your peace and even that didn’t look possible at any point until you could figure out how and when to tell the man you love that you got pregnant earlier then you both originally planned. 

Fast forward to now, he’s had to sleep in a bed that he once shared with someone that would cuddle him for hours to being in a bed with someone so close but so far.

You had started putting pillows between you both at night, or you’d wait until you thought he was sleeping before you snuck into bed for the night. 

Each morning you’d be up before him and it was like you were just roommates, not lovers and he was starting to question if you were having second thoughts about being with him.

He knew that you’d have times when you’d be so disconnected when he left for long periods of time and you both talked about the life he had and the way you were so supportive when he started out, to which you would say you’d always be supportive but it was still hard to think about him and he wasn’t available like he would be if he was at least in the same town as you.

He always had it in the back of his head that you weren’t alright with his career, no matter how much you reassured him that you were so proud to be apart of his life at the good and bad times and no matter what you guys would always work it out...

Yet here you were

Acting different after he was gone for an extended period of time.

He was going to address it soon if it continued into the next week.

He’d have to because he couldn’t risk losing you because you were unhappy.

If it meant investing into property around the way he’d be working, then he had no problem.

If it meant taking time off at times to stay with you longer or being able to rush off set, even getting them to work in the city you both lived in, then he’d make sure to do everything in his power to make that apart of his terms so that he could keep you happy like you have him.

I got to do whatever it take, or at least try, because if i lose her...I don’t know what i’d do with myself. He thought as he watched you walk around the dining table, sorting out documents for work, wearing your reading glasses that always made him feel somethin in the southern region. 

That’s my baby. He thought, not know that his baby was having HIS BABY.

The following week quickly approached and you were still distant towards your fiance but you had finally figured out how to deliver the news as best you could.

You knew he was upset by the quietness in the house, which was out of the usual. He would normally be playing his old school jams over the house system, or be watching some movie that made him so excitable that he wouldn’t be able to hold in his anger if the characters acted stupidly or when something excited happened. 

You were always happy to have him in the house with that energy after not being so content after him being gone so long or the odd times you would be out of the time for your job or visiting family when necessary.

You were nervous as the night came.

You sent him out to go hang out with some of his friends and told him you’d be cooking tonight. 

That was something you’d normally do anyways. You wanted him to have his time away from you if it was an option and not an obligation. You were all for him going out with his friends and catching up and not making his friends your friends per say but knowing he could have people outside of the house to talk to relieved the worry of you guys being codependent on each other or not being able to have your own time from the other if it was constantly just the two of you.

Space was a must and it was communicated long before he was as booked and busy and you made sure to keep your word like he did with you. 

But seeing as the week before you weren’t acting the same, you stunned him when you walked him to the door, touching his forearm and planting a kiss on his cheek, telling him to be safe and to have fun made him scared to comeback afraid he did something but he couldn't think of anything in that moment. 

You almost made him convulse when you gently kissed him before retreating into the house and closing the door. There was a fleeting shyness that showed on your face at the look of love glossing over your fiance’s face so nicely. 

He couldn’t actually believe you were showing some affection after so long but he wasn’t going to argue. He was going to do what you said and hang out with friends before he came home and faced whatever it is that you had planned.

While he had been gone, he couldn’t stop thinking about you and there being a strange reason to your change in behaviour. 

His friends took notice of his face and he had to let them know it was a matter that only he and his fiance should be discussing. They knew he wasn’t one to share his problems with others but once he made it clear he’s fine, they enjoyed themselves and caught up on eachothers lives, chatting about work to cars to planning guys trips for the future (which they got the okay’s from their respective partners already) and it was a nice destresser for them all.

When it was time for them to depart from each other they made sure that they were all good to drive themselves home and they would message each other when they got in. 

Gotta love a solid friendship between males that wasn’t ridden with toxic masculinity and scrutiny from each other. 

Yahya made his way to his car, sitting in the drivers seat as the car warmed up and messaged you to notify you of his ETA to the house with a cute emoji at the end. 

Once he saw you replied, he buckled up and made his way out of the parking lot to the place he called home to spend whatever time he had left with you before you broke whatever news it was you had to share. 

He gripped the wheel a little tighter the closer he got to his destination but he tried to remain positive since you did show him some affection earlier, then again, that could’ve been to soften the blow...

Either way, he would do whatever it was to make sure you stayed happy and with him because you brought him joy and he wouldn’t know how to survive without you, muchless attempt to move on from you if you did decide to leave him.

When you received the message, you couldn’t help but feel like a giddy school girl getting a text from her crush, which wasn’t far from the truth as this man was the man of your dreams and you hoped to not mess up what you both had planned because you knew that there was no way to forget him for the rest of your life.

You did a quick once over of the place, seeing to it that you had everything sorted out and then made your way to the kitchen to get the rest of the food and the drinks in order. 

By the time you finished setting up the table, you had managed to go and quickly freshen up and when you had finished you heard the front door unlocking and heard the timber of your fiance’s voice, calling out for you.

As he walked in and was hit with the aroma of the grilled salmon and sweet potatoes and was engulfed by the warmth radiating from the house.

He hadn’t felt like this since he returned from his time away shooting but he was going to accept it now, especially being out with the guys for long and only having two beers, he was surely hungry.

“Aye baybay” His southern accent called out again as he dropped his keys and closed the door to keep the warmth in. 

“In here!” You responded, listening out for the approaching footsteps of your fiance towards the dining area.

You watched as he walked in but fell short a couple steps and slowed his pace at the view of you in front of the set table with that gentle smile across your soft face. The almost gold lighting from the mixture of the dimmed lights and the brown sugar scented candles made you appear as a beautiful angel...

Just as beautiful as the night I realised i wanted to be with you for the rest of our lives. He thought, a distant look almost encompassing his face before you pulled him out of the void to hand him his favourite drink

“A ‘Beautiful’ drink for my handsome man” You couldn’t help releasing a giggle at the pun and he couldn’t either as he snorted at your cheesy line before taking the drink out of your hand and planting a sweet kiss on your lips before taking a sip of the cocktail. 

“This is good. Thank you, beautiful.” It was your turn to snort but there was no hiding the warmth that was felt through your body at the compliment and tenderness in his voice at the small gesture.

He placed another kiss on your lips after looking into those magnificent eyes that always seemed to see through his act since the day you both met.

He continued, the kiss getting deeper and desperate between you two. 

You had to stop this before you chickened out and the food got cold.

“Baby,��-You pulled away, turning your cheek to his lips as he kept on with his caresses and groping-”the food is gonna get cold.” You whimpered out. It wasn’t gonna be cold anytime soon as you had just taken it out as you got side tracked earlier when you went to check on the food before he arrived.

You were just as touch deprived and you had no one to blame but yourself for that and if tonight went well then you wouldn’t mind catching up with the strapping man gripping your hips and staring deep into your eyes.

He took a deep breather and let you know he’d go up to freshen up quick then be back down. 

You watched his figure move to the stairs; eyes wondering from his clothed wide-shoulders, down his small waist and then to his muscled behind that was looking good in his jeans.

You couldn’t help biting your lip but reminded yourself that the lust and love you had for this man is what caused you to be pregnant and you were scared so you needed to cool it on the initiating of any intercourse until you found out where he stood. 

Once Yahya came back from his shower, you both sat at the table and it was a mix between a comfortable silence and then it got tensed once the both of you cleared your plates.

The clank of the cutlery hitting the plates brought you out of your short pep talk of getting the surprise but before you could get up and collect your fiance and your plates, he cleared his throat, catching your attention and holding you in your seat.

“So...” He voice was gentle. 

He looked at you and you felt those butterflies you felt when you looked into his deep pools of brown the first day you met.

You knew he was going to question why you were acting funny for so long but you had to stop him before anything.

“Before you say anything, let’s have dessert and then we can talk.” You spoke up quickly and watched his shoulder drop slightly and you hoped this revelation wouldn’t run him and would allow him to ask all the questions he wanted and he would be happy in the end and not mad or anything of the sort.

He just nodded his head, placing his folded arms on the table with his head down. He was thinking to himself what it could be that you wanted to wait to talk about but he wasn’t to sure about what the hell he could expect or would come at the end of this revelation.

“Baby! Come in here! I need your help!” You shouted out.

You had set up your surprise and were thankful that he wasn’t on you like normal was and that meant he wasn’t going to be up on your shoulder and looking over you.

You had heard him approaching and you set up your camera and waited off to the side as he came in.

He felt the warmth and smelt the delicious scent of the beignets as he entered the kitchen. 

You saw the smile spreading on his face once he saw the little mardi gras beads around the desserts and this was something you knew he was missing since he hadn’t had the sweet treats in a while and he had been reminded he hadn’t had a freeing celebration in a while like he would during Mardi Gras season.

You watched his face morph as he got closer and saw the onesie and took even more steps to read the cursive font on the white set.

(Pretend it says 2021🥴)

“Wait... Baby you serious?” His voice came out in a whisper.

He was in shock.

He kept looking between you and the set with the utlra sound and the cute outfit that you were afraid his eyes would roll around at some point.

“Seriously?!” He shouted. You couldn’t help but laugh and tear up as you felt the excitement radiating of him as it finally him and he repeated ‘oh shit!’

You were glad you were recording or else you wouldn’t be able to watch the pure joy on your fiances face as he jumped up and down at the news of the baby growing inside of you that he was sure you both created the night he was nominated for an emmy, cause boy did he lay some pipe that night.

He rushed to you and picked you up, spinning you around before you were able to laugh out a strangled ‘stop’ and placed you down only to have his hand pressed on you stomach and for the first time he could feel the hardness of your stomach and it answered why he wasn’t able to touch you. 

You wanted to surprise him with the news and he was so happy for it.

“Baby, we’re making a baby. Oh my goodness we’re gonna have a baby!” When he said that you knew you were gonna be able to love this man for the rest of your life and it was all in your head to keep this from him.

He was your man until the end of time and you were his woman in the same.

This baby would be loved and was the beginning of your little family that you were ready to start.

That night, you sent your finance the video of his reaction and the picture of your announcement idea and he asked if he could share it.

You said yes and he tagged you in the post, captioning it with

‘The woman that I love has gifted me with something special and will truly be treasured by us both. Daddy loves you donut and just know that mommy and I got you your own beads for Mardi Gras!’

Within a few minutes he had multiple messages coming in from friends, family, various gossip sites from his publicitis and you were just laughing it up with each other

As you both got ready for bed, he just had to ask why you kept it hidden and if it was the reason you were acting off because he wanted to make sure.

You responded that you guys did agree to have kids but you weren’t sure how he’d react to the news since it was before you both had gotten married, like planned.

He just stared at you and understood where you were coming from.

He grabbed you hands, placing soft kisses on them before looking into your eyes and saying “I would never leave you because you are my one and only and this baby is a blessing since we made them with love. So just know that no matter what, I can never leave you and I wouldn’t want to.” You couldn’t but tear up at the gentleness in his voice and the way in which he could emit so much love and sentiment.

God damn hormones you cursed in your head and you had to giggle and he chuckled cause he could probably guess you were blaming your hormones and he just continued to kiss you all over your face getting you to let out laughs until you were close to peeing.

This man is so damn cute and I’m glad to have him, you thought as you watched your fiance sleeping by your side, hand on your stomach and gentle breathes heard through the room.

You placed a kiss on he forehead and laid your hand near his over your forming bump before closing your eyes and venturing into your dreamland.

Hey y’all!

Sorry I wasn’t so active last week🥴

Been caught up with uni work and then I spent my saturday with my dude and sunday is my rest day soooo yea 😂😂😂

But i hope you liked this and thanks to the anon that sent it in.

I’m accepting requests and I want to try and post requests on Mondays so gone on and send me some prompts and actors/characters and I’’l get on those 😁

Hope y’all have been doing alright other wise and have been staying safe. 

Remember to check up on your friends, loved ones and make time for yourself.

Love y’all and like, reblog and/or comment and let me know what you thought.

-K💜

[nohoney]

I Just Want It To Be Us - 1.1

note: Part 1 of the Us series which is originally posted on my ao3 here

Us series masterlist

characters: Dabi/Touya Todoroki, Hawks/Keigo Takami

warnings: 18+, drug use, toxic relationships, cheating, angsty-ish

summary:

That question always rang through your mind every time he comes back smelling like one of his side whores and cash in his pocket. He’s your boyfriend but he’s been doing this since way before he met you, and he wasn’t going to stop just because you’re together. It was a condition that you pretty much forced yourself to accept from the very beginning because well… you really did like Dabi that much.

Dabi knows that it makes you upset but he’s not going to stop for your sake.

You know that he won’t.

1.1 ✧ 1.2  ✧ 1.3

Your mother would be so disappointed if she saw you with your current boyfriend.

“Marry a nice man, honey.”

“When you find someone to settle down with, make sure he’s the one.”

“Don’t flit about from guy to guy, it’s not lady-like.”

All these rules your mother set you up with when it came to finding a boyfriend, you knew it came from a good place in her heart. She was only looking out for you when she told you these things but didn’t she get that dating now was different in this age and time? You’re a free person and you can see however many people you want or you could see no one at all and that was perfectly fine as well.

She has a feeling you’re seeing someone but you haven’t confirmed with her. To be honest, you don’t think you’ll tell her anything about your current boyfriend. It would be for the sake of preserving her little, fragile heart. How horrified would she be if she found out her precious daughter was dating the local drug dealer in her college campus?

He didn’t like being called by his surname and he didn’t seem to like being called by his first name either. The first time he speaks in front of your intro to philosophy class, taking it just to fulfill one of grad requirements, he says to just refer to him as ‘Dabi’. It’s curious to the people who don’t know who he is already but who are they to argue with someone how they should be addressed?

So you call him Dabi.

You called him Dabi the first time you spoke to him in class, asking for notes from the day you missed before in class. You called him Dabi when he found you sitting alone in the library and he kicked your chair to get your attention. You called him Dabi the more you spent time together with him, even past the semester once your one shared class is over and final grades were submitted. You called him Dabi the first time he ever rails you on his cock in the backseat on his car.

You almost forget sometimes that his real name is Touya.

In his off campus apartment, he sits in a chair in front of the bathroom mirror and you stand behind him with plastic gloves over your hands, helping him dye the roots of his hair black. The dye stinks, you hate the smell of it, but he kind of suckered you into doing it for him this time. He promised that if you’d help him, he’d sit through one of your stupid romantic-comedy movies you’d been dying to watch for a while. But you had to tack on a condition if he was going to give you an incentive.

If Dabi watched a movie with you and wasn’t entertained by it enough, he’d always leave to smoke a joint and come back high just so that he could get through the rest of the film.

“No break of any kind unless it’s a snack or pee break, you understand me?” you tell him as you put the final layer of dye on his roots. “And no doing it before the movie starts! I want you sober when we watch it together.”

“Yeah, yeah doll. You have my word.” Dabi passively waves his hand at you as he looks down at his phone.

Your eyes casually glance down at his phone screen and see that he’s in his messages app.

Wonder if someone is trying to get him as a connect. You think to yourself as you dispose of the plastic gloves and the remaining hair dye. You’re cleaning up the hair dye tools and open the window to air out the awful smell of the dye, all while Dabi sits in his chair and stares at his messaging app. The sounds of incoming messages from his phone tell you that there’s a conversation going on but his fingers don’t move over the keyboard to respond. It’s not your business how he runs his operations.

“How long do I leave the dye on?” he asks as he stands up from the chair, putting his phone on the countertop, and literally rips the shirt off his body from the neckline down the middle. It’s just a regular t-shirt he bought to protect his skin from the dye dripping onto his body dispensable from the very beginning, but he didn’t have to make a show of it. The shirt drops to the floor in a heap and he kicks it off to the side; you are not picking it up for him.

Dabi’s hot, ridiculously hot, that’s the first thing anyone notices about him. Both his ears have multiple piercings and his nose as well sporting three studs on his right nostril. If he’s wearing short sleeves, the first thing anyone will see that his both arms are tattooed all black, save for where they end, at his hands and shoulders it’s detailed to look like his skin is being held together by staples. On any other person it would look ridiculous to you, on Dabi not so much.

He notices you staring and winks at you, but you scoff at him and push past him to exit the bathroom. “You know how long it stays on, you’ve done this plenty of times before by yourself.”

“I like it when you tell me doll.”

Ah Dabi could be so charming when he felt like it.

You roll your eyes at him but peck him on the lips. “Shut up, I’m going to order in some food for dinner today.”

“Wow, ordering in for dinner tonight. Such housewife material (Name).” Dabi pokes fun at you.

“And you’re going to be the perfect husband Dabi.” you tease back.

You’re not certain if Dabi is long-term boyfriend material, you’ve only been dating for about five months. It’s not a long period of time you’ve spent as boyfriend and girlfriend but you’ve had a lot of fun with him. Although you have to admit that part of the fun you were experiencing with Dabi was because of what he’s introduced you to.

Before Dabi, you’d only smoke a little bit of weed every once in a while or take the occasional edible to wind down. You never had your own stash of it, you’d only partake if a friend supplied or if you were at a party. There was no point in having your own selection if you didn’t really partake in it that much. You were okay with smoking from a joint or a bong every once in a while, maybe take an edible if you wanted something a little stronger than smoking flower.

After Dabi you’d indulge in the occasional gram of coke and maybe some ecstasy if you felt like you could afford to take two days off from work for the come down. There were still others you hadn’t given a try yet, like shrooms or 2CB or do a candy flip, but you were slowly working up the nerve to give them a try when you were ready. Dabi offered you a Percocet but god, never again because you were too fucked up the one time you tried it.

You didn’t really think in your life you’d be involved romantically with a drug dealer but honestly it’s not as bad as you thought it would be.

Oh yeah, try explaining that to Mom…

Dab treats you right for the most part, he’s never yelled at you or ever taken his anger out on you either since dating each other, he just sells narcotics on the college campus and he got you into it too, it’s not a big deal. It helped that Dabi took it easy on you rather than just pushing you to do more than you were comfortable with. The first time you were curious about coke, he made you a little thin line of it and it took you more than an hour to decide you were ready before finally snorting it. After that first one, he let you decide how long and thick you wanted your lines to be. He’d cut it nice and neat for you and point to which one was yours to take. Coke felt good but the drip was disgusting in the back of your throat.

Speaking of disgusting…

“Hey, it should have been long enough so wash that gross stuff out your hair and let’s eat dinner.” you called from the kitchen as you plated the takeout food that arrived not too long ago.

You and Dabi sit at his little dinner table with the television streaming some random drama for background noise. Dinner topics for the evening range from school, homework, family news if there is any, and when to coordinate seeing each other next in between classes and your part time job. Conversations go smoothly and you’re cleaning up the kitchen when Dabi comes up behind you and presses a kiss to the back of your head, nuzzling you as you wipe the plates you just ate off of. You feel a sense of dread because every time he does that it means…

“Hey, there’s a house party this Saturday and I gotta work.”

You bite your tongue inside your mouth and exhale through your nose.

He has to work so he’ll be gone for a while, has to disperse his inventory and has to please his regulars as well as find any potential new customers.

If it was just selling, it wouldn’t be an issue.

The real issue is that you know he fucks some of his female customers. No no no, they don’t just get free coke or acid or whatever they’re asking for by spreading their legs for Dabi. He still expects cash as payment, but if he thinks they’re pretty enough then he doesn’t mind getting something extra aside from money after a sale. He’s handsome so why wouldn’t someone want to hop on his lap and go for a ride?

Dabi saves you the trouble by just being upfront about it, swears to you that you’re his favorite and that he only sees the other girls if he’s making a sale, they’re just customers. He goes to them, he goes to their location and fucks them where they meet him. None of his side whores have ever been brought back to his place, not like how he lets you in so easily when you knock on his door. He doesn’t take them out or treat them sweetly like he does with you; it’s just a sale and a fuck. It still doesn’t matter to you though, it still makes you jealous. It makes you clench your jaw in anger and want to just deck him right where his nose piercings are.

You’re his girlfriend but did that title mean anything if he was still going to sleep with other girls?

That question always rang through your mind every time he comes back smelling like one of his side whores and cash in his pocket. He’s your boyfriend but he’s been doing this since way before he met you, and he wasn’t going to stop just because you’re together. It was a condition that you pretty much forced yourself to accept from the very beginning because well… you really did like Dabi that much.

Dabi knows that it makes you upset but he’s not going to stop for your sake.

You know that he won’t.

“Fine.”

━━━━✧

If Dabi gets to fuck other girls then surely you have the right to do just the same with boys right?

The thing is though is that you did one time just right before the two of you made your relationship official, you hit up an old fuck buddy of yours while Dabi was out selling at another house party in the middle of the night. He left a measly text saying not to wait up for him and that he’d see you for breakfast. It would have been sweet if not for the fact that he came to your apartment smelling like another girl, just spending just two hours with you before flitting off into the night. Two hours of him on your sofa smelling like someone else, not even offering to shower to get their stench off, and he did his best to placate you before giving up and letting you stew in your own anger.

So you hit up your old fuck buddy and you go to him, you just get straight to the point when you’re let into his dorm and fuck your frustrations out on him. You intended to go straight back to your home but angry fucking took a lot out on you so you just spend the night there instead. “Don’t cuddle me, I’ll be gone in the morning.” you tell him after patting his cheek and pulling the blanket over your body.

It’s a quarter before eight when you’re trudging back to your apartment and you see Dabi leaning against your front door. You’re going to ask how his night was but he abruptly pulls you to him and growls in your ear to, “Get in your fucking apartment… now.”

He knows you went out to get fucked, doesn’t want to know who you went to.

You and him argue for over two hours inside your home, pacing back and forth in the living room. It’s back and forth of ‘it’s just business with those girls’ from him and ‘why shouldn’t I be allowed to do it to you?’ from you. Dabi says it’s just business and they mean nothing to him, claims to you that you hurt him more because you did it out of revenge. He really got you screaming at him after he said that but he didn’t dare back down. He stands firm and so do you, that really gets him angry with you even more.

He didn’t apologize and neither did you.

You were jabbing your finger in his chest when he grabs you by the wrist, irritation and exhaustion evident in his turquoise eyes. “Don’t fucking do that to me.” he growls at you.

“Get your fucking hands off me Dabi.” you spit back, shaking his hand off your wrist. “Get out.”

“No, we’re not leaving it like this.” he insists. “We’re fucking talk about this.”

You throw your hands up in the air in exasperation. “No, you want to ‘talk about it’ until I yield to you which is never going to happen! We’re going around in circles! You’re not going to be sorry and I’m not going to be sorry!”

A tense stare off between the two of you for a few seconds.

Next thing you know, you’re pulling off each other’s clothes and you’re forced on your hands and knees in your own bed. The only foreplay you get is a few seconds of rough kissing and Dabi spitting on his fingers to prep you as quickly as he can. When he pushes in, it’s rough and a little uncomfortable but you’re quick to adjust to the punishing pace. He pulls your hair too hard, you backhand him in the face, he spanks you until your ass is red and aching, you dig your nails into his back and scratch achingly slow down his flesh to make sure it really hurts.

Hate fucking with Dabi was a whole new level of intensity for you but you keep up with him until it turns into slow love making.

The biting, angry dirty talk from the beginning turns into whining praises; from ‘you spiteful, fucking bitch’ to ‘my pretty, little angel’.

“Fuck babydoll, you know how good you feel? I think I’ve fucked you so much that your pussy’s shaped to take just my cock. This cunt damn near drained me dry but I still want more. Cum on my cock more, tell me how bad you want it.” Dabi whispers into the skin of your shoulder before licking a trail up to your chin and pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Ugh, baby it’s so fucking good, only you know my body like this. I don’t want it from anyone else but you… shit, I’m going to cum again!” you groan as you clamp down on him once more and your pussy strangles his cock for more cum.

You fall asleep after two hours of fucking, your head resting in the crook of his neck and his arm around your shoulders to keep you close. The both of you are all fucked out but your mind is still fixated on the fight. Despite the intimate sex that’s brought you closer together after rounds of hate fucking, it doesn’t change the fact that Dabi still fucks his customers sometimes and you’re still resentful about it.

“If it makes you feel better then fine (Name), you can fuck who you want.” Dabi says to you when the both of you wake up and are pulling your clothes back on your bodies. “But know this, if you want to be in on this then you’re just going to have to accept that I’ve been doing this since before I met you and it’s not going to stop just because we’re together. So go ahead, fuck who you want but as long as you always come back to me. I always come back to you, don’t I sweetheart?”

You’re smoothing your hair down, taking in his words before looking up at him and asking, “We’re together?”

Dabi’s eyes are full of mirth as he approaches you, pulling you close to his body and squeezing one of your asscheeks in his hand. “You’re my favorite, my number one, I like you (Name). The things I do for you, what I’ve done to you, no one else gets that from me.”

He didn’t apologize and neither did you.

But funnily enough even though he gave you permission to sleep with whoever you wanted, you didn’t really have the desire to do so. He comes to you smelling like other girls sometimes and that should be your cue to go find your own rando to hump on but you just… don’t.

Part of you wonders if Dabi is happy that you don’t go around like he does despite his blessing. You’re resentful towards yourself sometimes that you don’t go out and have some fun with someone else too. He gave you permission so you should take him up on it, that makes sense given the circumstances. Apparently the only thing that was important to him was that he always be your priority the same way that you were his.

Maybe at the time you just wanted the rush of revenge and now it was different that Dabi took that away from you by giving you permission. Maybe he knew that once he gave you the green light that you weren’t going to bother anymore with seeking anyone else out.

You were certain that he was manipulating you but you didn’t have solid evidence so there wasn’t much you could do. What the hell were you supposed to say to him?

Hey Dabi you tricked me into not sleeping with other people?

Dabi did always give you a heads up at least when he was going out to sell and he always tried to make you happy when he comes back. He offers to order in your favorite food, bring your favorite bottle of alcohol with your favorite juice to chase, eat you out until you’re a quivering mess on his mouth, or nudges half of a tablet of ecstasy in your hand and says that he just wants to put on music and house roll with you.

It still doesn’t change that you get jealous no matter how many sweet things he does for you.

But you like him enough to deal with his shenanigans… just barely.

━━━━✧

“Why don’t you come with me?” Dabi asks you as soon as you’re back from work. You’re tossing your purse onto your sofa and drop your body onto the cushions, your head in his lap and seeking his warmth. His hand goes to your head to start massaging your scalp, his fingers working magic and making you groan in pleasure. “Come with me tomorrow doll.”

You roll your eyes and turn your head to look at whatever show Dabi was watching while he was waiting for you. “To watch you flourish your business? I don’t think so. I’ll stay behind like I usually do.” you scoff, pressing your cheek against his leg and sighing.

He’s never asked for you to come along before, he doesn’t need the distraction of babysitting you. You wonder what’s caused him to ask you to tag along.

“Come on doll, just come along. Odds are I won’t be coming back the night of the party and Keigo will be there tomorrow, he can keep you company.”

Ah you loved Keigo, he was the only one that Dabi really considered to be a friend to him. Maybe it was because he could keep up with your boyfriend in regards to their drug consumption but you could see that they had a bond beyond just getting high together, more than just pills or powders or tabs that keeps them together. Together they both seemed like laid back individuals but Dabi only seemed laid back due to how apathetic he was whereas Keigo was actually a chill person because that’s how he actually was, it wasn’t just the air about him that made him seem so.

You loved being with Keigo, he always spoiled you silly and made you laugh.

“I don’t know, what exactly will I get out of it?” you shrug your shoulders and huff out quietly.

Suddenly two little baggies come into your view, one filled with white powder and the other with a little pink tablet. “Is this supposed to be a bribe to get me to come along?” you ask, staring at the bags and not bothering to take them from your boyfriend’s fingertips. You won’t lie that it is a little bit tempting, just a little bit.

“Maybe so, you know that my merchandise for you is discounted doll. Nothing but the best for you, my shit is always clean.” Dabi shakes the little baggies as if the contents are going to be more enticing if he does so. There’s definitely a big truth to what he said, the quality to his inventory is nothing less than superb. It’s why his clientele always kept on coming back to him but the absolute best was either for his favorites or it was apart of his own personal stash.

You’re staring hard at the baggies and start debating in your mind. Dabi would still give it to you even if you insisted that you stay home but there was no fun in doing it alone. You had some friends that could help you kill the coke if you asked them over but god forbid they start feening, that’s when they became difficult to deal with. There was no point in you holding onto them either if you weren’t going to do anything with them right away.

Since Keigo was going to be at the party tomorrow and if Dabi was going to give the baggies no matter what…

“Alright, only since Keigo is going to be there. Nothing else.” you give in and pluck the two baggies from Dabi’s hand and sit up on the sofa. “Now how much do I owe you for your merchandise sir?”

Dabi smirks at you as he crawls over you until you’re lying flat on your back, like you’re his prey and he’s the predator. “Just your usual payment madame, if you please.”

[another-sonic-blog]

Here's a request! Whats your list of personal/what you think are the best shadamy fics to read? And your reasonings why? Again love your work! ♡ (i literally redownloaded wattpad after 5 years of staying away just to read your ff 😳😅)

Thank you so much! I am really happy that you like my work, I am honored ... Thank you!

Alright before I start this list, I will be making a few disclaimers.

I. Honestly, I don't have a favorite ShadAmy fanfiction. I've read a lot of it but I usually drop the story for the following reasons. (Opinion based)

-The story plot is the same as other fics. (Ex. Amy gets lost after chasing Sonic and rejecting her, Shadow gets there. He saves her, Amy dates Shadow. Sonic is jealous and loves Amy and blah blah blah)

-They depict Sonic as a jerk.

It's ok to have a different interpretation of a character, but it really gets uncomfortable when a friendly character like Sonic starts screaming and even punching Amy.

-Over-sexualization of characters. It's ok if there's sexual tension, it's normal in teens. However, explicitly writing sex scenes with characters that are made for kids it's a no for me.

-Writing Amy as suicidal. This one just hits home too much. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes to read about a character I relate to being depressed and suicidal because it reminds me of dark times in my life.

-Shadow being a complete jerk and having an abusive relationship with Amy. This is a big NO for me. Romanticizing toxic relationships is wrong and shouldn't be accepted.

-There is more I don’t like. Shadow bullying Amy or Shadow keeping Amy as captive. Shadow being abusive towards Amy and her falling in love with him even when Shadow keeps mistreating her. And other cliches in the ShadAmy fanfiction I don't like.

II. I am a fanfic writer. However, the one criticizing the following works would be me, as a reader. If I say any 'negative' comments, it doesn't mean I do it better nor it means I am better than them. The one analyzing their work is the reader, the one who consumes their content.

And because I don't really have a lot of fics to share with you, I will be sharing a few comics I enjoyed reading a lot!

Let's start!

3.Scripted Romance by BitterKiss 

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13210221/1/Scripted-Romance 

Alright, this story is good maybe because I have something for comedy romance. This story is a Sonic Boom!AU where our main cast are actors for the Sonic Boom TV series. There is a heavy tension between Amy and Shadow where everyone notices but them. Amy and Shadow have a pretty good friendship and chemistry which is refreshing. Shadow likes Amy and its fun to read how he fails every time he attempts to get closer to her. I can't honestly say much about the story because although the writing it's good, there are only five chapters and there's not much to criticize nor analyze. (Which is not a bad thing, every writer has the time to take the time they need to write.)

2.One Hundred Moments by Laineybug04

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13153102/1/One-Hundred-Moments

This story makes me sad but not in a bad way. Ten good written chapters with good quality and extremely good character development. Some stories have the mistake of rushing relationships but in this story, they take it nice and slow. Not so slow that there is no development and not so rushed that their relationship looks fake. The story has a Romeo and Juliet premise. Two hedgehogs who want to be together but can't because their friends think they will betray their own responsibilities. It's really good to see Shadow doing things he wouldn't normally do just to please Amy. It's great to see Amy being vulnerable with Shadow. Not only that but it's great to see how other characters react to their friendship. Rouge may be a bit too overwhelming since at this point she is the main one who tries to separate them. Although I think her reasons may not be the most valid, they are reasonable. This story is beyond entertaining and in only ten chapters, the writer was able to create a growing friendship and romance that will leave you wanting to read more!

1.Team Dark's Rose by Nothin’Fancy

Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13221856/1/Team-Dark-s-Rose

Uff.

What can I say? There are only two 'negative’ things I can say about this story.

One. Rouge and especially Shadow may be too mean to Amy. However, everyone has their own character interpretation. The writer is free to do whatever they want to do with such character as long as that leads to development.  

There is a fine line between a character teasing, showing they dislike another character and being abusive.

The writer does not cross this line and I am sure they are aware of the difference.

I honestly can't wait to see how the writer develops Team Dark and how they start to open up to Amy. It's going to be really nice to see the characters realizing their mistakes and misjudgment towards Amy.

Second, the story only has seven chapters so far.

Seven chapters filled with character analyzation and world-building.

The premise of this story is "What if Amy joined Team Dark?" Although it sounds simple, it's far from that. The writer really takes the time to develop each character and explain the reasons behind their actions. Each character is equally important. Although the protagonist of this story is Amy; the story, in reality, is about Team Dark trying to accept Amy.

There are two main conflicts in the story. External and internal conflicts and to create a good story, you need both. In this story it goes like this. External: GU.N.'s discrimination towards Team Dark. Internal: Team Dark's denial of accepting Amy. Of their disliking and even jealousy towards her.

The ShadAmy is there but right now it's slowly developing. If you want a story that it's more focused on their relationship then I recommend reading the first two stories I mentioned earlier.

Comics:

Damn, I write too much, the reviews for the following comics will be shorter.

3.Love & Life by Cardonanavas.

Link: https://www.deviantart.com/cardonanavas/art/L-L-Family-page-1-279994522 

Have you ever wonder what would be the life of Shadow and Amy as a family?

The story develops after 'Just a ShadAmy comic' (Which I recommend as well, but in my opinion, the sequel is better than the first comic)

Here we see the still developing relationship of Shadow and Amy. After three years of dating, Amy is ready to take the next step as she feels like her time is running out (Because she is sick) Shadow, however, doesn't like the idea of having a baby of his own with the thought he might become a weapon. Shadow is unaware of Amy's sickness until one day ...

Shadow will go the impossible to have a normal life with Amy but the story is not only about that. It's much more! Drama, mystery, comedy. It's everything!

Right now, the comic is in progress but still, it's totally worth a read!

2.ShadAmy comic by Zketcherz

Link: https://www.deviantart.com/zketcherz/art/Shadamy-comic-pg-1-717180957 

This comic is in progress but it's still extremely good! Amy and Shadow are relatable characters and they are slowly developing. So far, there's not much ShadAmy but the interactions they have are really good and they are not over the top. There are no overly convenient romance cliches and the situations they are put in are realistic and they react well according to it.

I can argue, however, that I don't agree with how Shadow reacts later on the story. I can't say much about this simply because that would be spoiling you an important part of the plot.

1.Shadow the Hedgehog by 0Carkki0

Link: https://www.deviantart.com/0carkki0/art/Shadow-The-Hedgehog-25822745

I have nothing to say about this. The only bad thing about this comic is that it's incomplete and it will probably never be finished. However ... there are 208 pages! 208 pages filled with greatness. There is no 'love' but there is a lot of teasing and kissing.

I won't say anything about the plot, do yourself a favor and just read!

.

With this, I conclude my list. I hope you enjoyed it! Once again, thank you so much for reading my stories and I hope I gave you other stories you can enjoy as well. Sorry if my answer is too long, but believe me this is the shortest I could do. These stories are great and I strongly recommend reading them!

[bandaigaeru]

Virtual Reality - Bang Chan

synopsis: a game enters pop culture where any risk is worth taking. warnings: scenarios that may invoke anxiety, swearing word count: 10k

i.

"Are you gonna slow down any?" you inquired playfully as Changbin slurped his noodles up. He glanced up momentarily with the eyes of a child who just got caught doing something they shouldn't have. Without commenting, he returned his gaze to his noodles.

You release a breath somewhere between irritation and boredom, dropping your chopsticks into your half-full noodle cup and pushing it towards him. Even if he was about to be full from his noodles, you knew he'd make room to finish yours. Noodles are noodles. And to him, all noodle lives matter.

"Why are we even in the mall if all you're gonna do is eat noodles?" you pout as subtle impatience tinges your words. For thirty minutes, you had sat there. Simply staring at one another while the traffic of people encloses you in the food court.

"I told you already," Changbin briefly states, swiping at the grease residing at the corner of his lip.

He wants to get this game that, in all honesty, was probably a waste of his paycheck. At the same time, he didn't even need to work considering the wealth circulating around his family. So could you really complain?

As you roll your eyes, he scoffs, a pointer finger flying up, "Don't give me the 'tude, young lady."

"'Tude? Are you an elderly man chastising his grandchild?" you lean forward contently now that you have gotten the boy to focus on something other than his food. He snags your noodle cup and shoves his chopsticks around it.

"Yes, Y/N. Do not insult my vocabulary," he attempted to say with a straight face. Halfway through his words, a giggle erupted from his stomach and invaded the air like toxic gas.

Changbin swallows the final cluster of your noodles before standing. A laugh still clung desperately to his words as he says, "C'mon, let's go get the game of the year."

The busy mall was accompanied by the chatter of teenage girls and their cliques. It smelled like cheap perfume and high school memories. You couldn't help but smile at the girls staring Changbin down like he was a cute animal in a petting zoo because if you had known Changbin in high school, you probably would have done the same.

While Changbin ran into the game store to pick up his preordered copy of Risks, you waited in the leather massaging recliners just outside. Who would think that a single dollar could send you into a heaven on earth?

Despite the fact that you were in a state of ultimate tranquility, you couldn't help but glance into the GameStop to assure yourself Changbin was still there among the crowd. It's not like he could go anywhere, yet still, you were scared he'd get kidnapped. Or stabbed. Or both.

Finally, he emerges from the store with a white bag containing a VR set and the game. He advances towards you with light steps. If every step could make a sound to represent his emotions, they'd be squeaking like a little puppy.

"They're doing a giveaway for a free copy of Risks," Changbin states as he relaxes into the recliner to the left of you. He didn't even need to pay to be sent into dreamland.

"Nice," you mumble, eyes falling shut as you could finally relax into the massager.

"I signed you up for it, gave them your embarrassing email and everything," Changbin teases, reaching to tickle your chin.

You jump away from him, eyes shooting open, "You didn-"

"Oh, but I did. Shibalover99," he interrupts and smiles broadly.

Your cheeks grow hot with shame. Darn you, Y/N, aged thirteen for choosing the thing you thought best represented you at that moment in time. You return to the mold you had previously created, shoulders slouching. Your mediocre day felt a little more mediocre now.

"Chin up, you know I wouldn't do that to you. I signed Jisung up for it. And Seungmin. And maybe Chan," Changbin stands, adjusting the way his jeans rested on his hips before pulling you from the recliner with a tug of your wrist.

You look at him weird when the realization of what he said hits you, "Jisung? As in the Jisung who is prone to epileptic seizures? Your roommate Jisung?"

Changbin stifles a laugh. "Yes, my roommate Jisung, the one prone to seizures."

"Changbin!" you shout, swinging at his chest in dismay. He stumbles for a second, taking the blow like a knife to the chest. Dramatic, per usual.

"No, but really, I signed you up. Using my email," he assures, sticking his pinky up to kindle a promise.

You roll your eyes, ignoring the proposal.

The fresh fall breeze kissed the patches of bare skin of your arms as you emerge from the mall. You inhale sharply, nostalgia hitting from when you were a kid and about to go Trick or Treating with your best friends. You can't help but smile down at your shoes because of the memories. Autumn was that season. And no one could argue otherwise. Not even Changbin, who thought winter, of all seasons, was the superior.

ii.

A month passes like a night's sleep and winter was beginning to show its symptoms. You were bidding goodbye to Halloween, pumpkin everything, and sweaters for the downgrade of Christmas, awkwardly big coats, and ice storms. On the bright side, winter break was merely a week away. That means Christmas was within ten days, and Changbin was joyous, to say the very least.

Jisung had sent you a video of the boy jumping around their dorm while singing "Silver Bells" in a very exaggeratedly deep voice. At the very end of the video, the camera pans to Chan's disgusted face and zooms in dramatically. You shook your head in awe as you typed out a short response claiming you were concerned for all of their sanity.

Merely two minutes later, you received a FaceTime call from none other than Jisung. A couple of seconds go by and you can feel the urgency through the phone as the ringtone is one vibration away from ending the call. Finally, you swipe across the screen. Jisung's, too close to the screen, face invades your sight.

"Why did you answer so late? I'm about to have a fucking seizure," Jisung hyperventilates. In the background of the call, you could hear Chan's desperate cries for help as Changbin's inescapable singing resonates.

You smile to yourself as a laugh tickles your throat, dropping your phone on your bed and letting Jisung look at the dullness of your dorm's ceiling while you return to the homework waiting on your laptop. "Is it necessary to call when I'm doing a psych test?"

"First of all, why are you taking a test at home? Second of all, are you going to ignore the fact my life is on the line right now?" Another scream emerges from the other side and you fight the temptation to cackle.

"Have you never had a take-home test? You poor soul," you trail off. Again, you ignored the second half of his statement, but he didn't seem to notice this time. Or, at least he didn't care to comment on it once more.

After a particularly bad note from Changbin, Jisung whines in exasperation. "Can I please come to your dorm? Is Jihyo there?"

"She's not here, no. So I guess you can come over. Just don't let Changbin follow you," you sigh, glancing around at the mess of your dorm. If he's coming over, you should probably clean up.

"Thank you Y/N! I'll be over in twenty!" he yells gratefully, hanging up before you have a chance to respond.

A heavy breath escapes your slightly parted lips as your back slouches over. You rub your hands over your bare face as if to shake you into reality. Through your fingers, you look at the laptop. Three questions left. So if you gave yourself time to finish this test, you'd lose five minutes. With the remaining fifteen, you could definitely clean yourself and your room up a little. Yeah, you can do that.

But Jisung is the worst at estimating time. Just as you were closing your laptop and pushing yourself off of your bed, there was a knock at your door.

"God damn it, Jisung," you mutter under your breath as you rush to the door. As your hand gripped the doorknob, you glanced down at your clothes. A sweater you had been using as pajamas for the past week and gym shorts from high school that were way too comfy to be classified as gym shorts. Whatever, it's too late for you to change anyway.

"You said twenty minutes," you blankly state as you swing the door open. Beside Jisung stood the blond boy who you'd seen around campus, but never grew to knew. He was looking left and right, but never to you.

Jisung pushes past you, grabbing Chan's wrist and dragging him inside. He closes the door behind him quickly, resting his back against it and releasing a sigh of relief.

"Changbin chased us all the way here, screaming 'Hey There Delilah!' That's not even a Christmas song!" Jisung panted, a bead of sweat falling from his chin and onto the fuzzy gray rug you had laid among the tiled floor.

You shake your head as you advance to your bed. As you move your laptop to the desk beside you, Chan and Jisung fight over a beanbag on Jihyo's side of the room.

A soft knock comes from the other side of the door and Jisung flinches, throwing himself into Chan's arms. You could hear the soft singing of "Feliz Navidad" from the little crack beneath the door.

Chan tries pushing the clinging boy away from him with all of the power in his body. Flailing his arms and legs all while trying not to kick Jisung in the face on accident.

While the two boys were distracted with whatever they were doing, you got up, moving swiftly to the door. You quietly open it, pressing a finger to your lips to silence Changbin's singing. He enters your dorm with light steps before he pounces on the two boys practically cuddling on the floor.

"Merry Christmas!" Changbin screams as he puts all of his body weight on both boys.

"Y/N!" Jisung yells out as he sputters, "how could you betray us like this?"

Nearly three minutes pass of straight screaming while you watch like a bored parent with your arms across your chest. Jihyo walks in behind you, taking the empty spot beside you as if it were made for her.

"Is this what happens when I'm gone?" she inquires, mocking your stance.

You glance at her. "Yeah, pretty much."

She nods, slightly amused. Finally, she takes a step forward. Wobbling a foot over Changbin's back for a second, she kicks him over. The boys break away from each other abruptly when they see her.

They jump to their feet, bowing in apology. "Sorry, Jihyo," they say in chorus.

"You know," Chan starts for the door, "I think we should get going. We'll see you later, Y/N."

As he passes you, he delivers a short smile. It sends a party of butterflies to your stomach that confuses you for a second.

The moment the door closes, Jihyo tosses her bag to the floor beside her bed and lies down. "Who was blondie? He was cute."

"Oh, Chan? He's friends with Jisung and Changbin. I don't know him that much, though," you state quickly.

"You two would be cute together," she smiles, a mocking tune in her voice. It's as if she can read your mind sometimes. More specifically, your feelings.

"His face is annoying," you roll your eyes, returning to your own bed. Although, that statement was a complete lie. You just knew that if you stayed quiet, she would continue to tease you. Given that, if the butterflies continued to appear and you kept saying bad things about him, you'd convince yourself that it'd be true.

iii.

Christmas was spent at Changbin's mansion of a home. Your family was out of town on their annual trip to New York, and you weren't necessarily invited, so you really had nowhere else to go. Plus, the Seo family was very open to new members of the family and they treated you no differently than they would Changbin.

On the morning of Christmas, you were awoken by the impatient child that is Changbin with Jisung looking amusedly over his shoulder. Your whines and groans go ignored as Changbin tugs at your wrist like a child.

"Y/N," Changbin whined in the most nasal voice he could muster. "If you don't get up, I'm gonna tickle you."

"Fine, I'm up," you huff, sitting up while strands of hair fell in front of your face. The bedhead struggle was real, and evidently against you.

"Now hurry up, it's time to open presents!" Jisung jumps excitedly. His red flannel pants matched his sweater and the innocence of a child adorned his features. He flees the room with a skip in his step. Changbin follows suit, leaving you in the loneliness of the guest bedroom.

You inhale deeply, suddenly realizing your role in the friend group. You nod slowly before pushing yourself from the bed and wandering to the bathroom that was attached to the room. Who knew that houses could have three different bedrooms with en suites? Certainly not you three days prior.

Quickly, you push your hair out of your face and make yourself look somewhat presentable. You lean towards the mirror, glancing at the bags beneath your eyes and pulling at them slightly.

Waiting for you downstairs was a feast of a breakfast. A buffet line of food, essentially. Changbin was chewing a piece of toast with jam while Jisung was tackling a stack of waffles and eggs.

"Good morning," Mrs. Seo, who had instructed you to call her by her first name, greeted with a grin. She stood at the kitchen island, a mug of coffee in her cupped hands. A laptop sat before her and you assumed she was working from home. Considering the luxury she lived, work had to be done somehow. Even when it was Christmas.

You return the smile and tell her the same. For a second, you stand in front of the food in awe, facing the question of whether you should be modest or follow your stomach.

Mrs. Seo giggles, "Help yourself, dear. No need to be shy."

Now that you obtained permission to perform the latter, you grab a plate and stack a variety of pancakes upon it, a bagel or two, and a single slice of toast with a blanket of pumpkin jam on it. You join Jisung and Changbin at the long, wooden table.

The Christmas tree glowed magically from the living room while Christmas classics played on the television. Jisung reached to the middle of the table to pour himself another glass of orange juice. He offered some to you, which you gladly accepted. Fresh, hand made orange juice. Who could say no?

Mrs. Seo sits down beside you, smiling as she glances between the three of you.

"When Changbin was a kid," she began, a fond expression adorning her face as nostalgia began to unfurl.

Changbin's gaze shot up. "Do not even start."

"Oh shush. Anywho, when Changbin was a kid, he used to sit down here all by himself on Christmas morning and wait for his father and me to wake up. He didn't want to wake us since he knew we worked a lot and were always tired," she leaned over the table to pinch her son's cheeks.

"You were so compassionate," she returns her back to her chair. A sigh escapes her lips.

"Hmm, what went wrong?" you joke, earning a light kick beneath the table.

The conversation lives on throughout breakfast as everyone tells stories from their best Christmases until Mr. Seo arrives. His windbreaker rubbed against itself as his steps came closer to the dining room.

"Sorry I'm late, I had to run out and get some stuff from my mom's house," he says, a slight pant conjoining to his breath.

"Can we open presents now?" Changbin asks with a glimmer in his eyes. The same you would see in a child.

Mr. Seo smiles at his son, "Yes, Binnie, we can go open presents now."

With that, everyone migrates to the living room. By demand of Mrs. Seo, the 'children' sat on the floor while the adults sat on the couches. If you were home, you'd be complaining, but even their floors were comfortable. You wouldn't be surprised if they were heated.

You watched intently as gifts were exchanged, your knees hugged to your chest. You felt safe and at home. Peaceful, even. Like you belonged here.

"Y/N, this one's for you!" Changbin exclaims. He pushes a medium-sized box towards you. His giddiness amused you.

"C'mon," he urged, an excited smile resting on his lips, "open it!"

You tore at the Spongebob wrapping paper with hesitance. For all you know, something gross could lie beneath and his parents could be left there, staring at you with their mouths agape. But regardless, revealing the gift was inevitable and eventually, there it was.

"Really, Changbin?" you laugh, looking between the VR game set and him.

His smile was so wide you could barely see his eyes, and that alone made it contagious.

"Thank you, Bin."

"You're very welcome," he says, the smile not even phasing his words.

For the rest of the present opening tradition, you sat there, smiling down at the present. You even read the back of Risks to see what it entailed. On your own, you would have continued to give the game no further thought. Regardless, the gift started as a joke. Yet, now, it gave you a sudden interest.

And the byline stuck in your head. Do the things you're too scared to.

iv.

When you returned to your dorm, the VR game was presently tempting to try out. You had nothing better to do.

You reach from your bed, grabbing the unopened box and setting it in front of you. You slowly unpackage it with hesitance as if something would pop out at you. As you unveil the headset and game, you begin to pick up your pace. The want for adventure increases as you pull the headset out, slipping the disc into the game cartridge and pulling the headset over your head.

You power it up, greeting the home screen. Pressing the 'new game' option, you were welcomed with a new screen.

Risks requires permission to your console's data in order to operate. Give access?

Yes               No

A character customization screen invaded your view. The automated character already looked close enough to how you did. So you proceeded.

Input Player ID (you can change this later in your settings)

You sigh, putting in the only thing you could think of. Shibalover99.

This is a simulation. You will be paired with another player. Communicate. Live. Take a risk. Are you ready to begin?

Yes               No

Darkness engulfs your screen. Your character's eyelids progressively revealed that you were on a plane. The shades were down and the flight attendants were passing out water. Beside you was a boy, blond hair and a black headband pushing his hair back, sleeping. Above his head was the tag 'CB97.'

No one else had a tag like that. He must be your teammate.

You watched as his eyelashes twitched before his eyes subsequently fluttered open. A cough tickled his throat as he glanced over at you. His gaze went to just above your head before a chuckle invaded the air.

"Shibalover? Please don't tell me you're a twelve-year-old gamer girl," his voice was deep, husky even. It really sounded like he just woke up.

"Oh no, don't tell me you're a misogynistic gamer boy who thinks he's edgy for hating women when in reality he's just intimidated because he knows he can't get a real woman," you counter, an overly exaggerated gasp clinging to the end your sentence.

His character cocks his head to the side and smiles. "I actually have a girlfriend, but go off."

"Hmm, that's surprising," you tease, glancing at the seat in front of you where a screen showed the flight progress. Three hours until landing. Stuck here.

He laughs slightly at your words. "Yeah, I don't actually have a girlfriend. Although, I am interested in having one. It depends on how old you are though."

Cocky and annoying. This was going to be a long playthrough.

"I'm 20, for your information, but don't get your hopes up. For all you know, I could like women. Only women."

Turbulence shakes the plane for a moment and CB97 tenses up beside you. The seatbelt light flashes above you and you tightened the belt across your lap.

You glance over at the boy from the corner of your eye, who was gripping the ends of the armrests. "Are you scared of flying?"

He looks at you, his face pale, "Pfft, no."

The turbulence heightens itself and he grips at your animated hand, tightly holding it. You try to break free, yet he only clutches your hand tighter.

"How can someone as cocky as you be afraid of flying?" you mutter, relaxing your hand in his. You could feel the warmth even though this wasn't real.

Overhead, the pilot announces that the plane is unable to undergo an emergency landing and it is advised that those sitting by the emergency exits should open it and grab the floatation device beneath their seat.

"Wait, planes don't have parachutes, do they?" CB97 asks, breath short.

"No, but this is a game. Now hurry up and push your way through the crowd. They can afford to die, they're NPCs," you advise, reaching beneath your seat to grab your parachute.

"Oh come on," you huff when you don't feel anything.

You snatch the one from CB's hands, helping him put it on before connecting yourself to it. You're lucky it was equipped with a harness for tandem purposes. Or maybe the game meant it to be that way.

"Okay, you're in charge of this, so when we get close to the ground, pull this string," you advise patiently, gently holding the red string.

"Have you done this before?" he asked, tears scraping his throat.

"Once. In New York, now come on. On the count of three."

"One." His hands grew shaky.

"Two." His body was about to shut down.

"Three." He jumped.

The air felt like thousands of little slaps to the face and you were nearly deaf with the help of the whipping wind to the boy's terrified screams.

The earth was growing closer and you could see the flat, sandy desert beginning to grow closer.

"Pull the string!" you shouted. Your mouth was dry and you weren't even sure if your vocal cords were making any noise.

"What?"

"Pull the string!" you repeated, slightly louder. When he still couldn't hear, you fought the force of the wind to reach behind you and did it yourself.

With only the luck of this being a simulation, you landed safely. A slight tinge of adrenaline coursed through your veins as it exponentially grew. You unhooked yourself from the boy who easily would have gotten you killed in real life and sat down on the sandy hill you had landed on.

You huff, glancing down at the red crescent moons of your palms from where your nails had dug into them. "Good job for almost getting us killed."

"How about you try facing your fears. It's a lot harder than it looks, okay?" CB97 mocked your huff, taking a seat beside you on the hill.

"What even is your name anyway?" you ask, distracting yourself from the headache he was giving you.

"Chris."

You begin to laugh. He looks at you confusedly.

"I'm sorry," you managed, "you just have a douchebag name. It's quite fitting."

"Oh yeah? What's your name, princess?" he retaliates. Despite the fact that he meant it in a 'you're stuck up like a princess' way, you couldn't help but think of another meaning to the nickname. And a familiar set of butterflies constrict your windpipe.

"Y/N."

He stays silent, a sudden tension rising. What was he supposed to say? It would be repetitive if he took your approach and mocked your name, yet it'd be inappropriate to flirt considering the foot you had set off on.

"Can we make a deal?" he asks, breaking the silence with a quiet voice. You could barely hear him.

"Depends," you say.

"Let's just start over. We're gonna have to be teammates for the whole game, right? If we're assholes to each other, it'll filter our real thoughts of the game and we're gonna end up hating it even if we really don't want to. Deal?" he explains thoroughly. He sticks his hand out, waiting for you to shake it.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" you ask, playing into his scenario.

His character smiles and he brings his hand to scratch the back of his neck. "My name's CB97, but you can call me Chris. And you?"

"Y/N, but you can call me Y/N because I'm changing my Player ID soon."

"Great, 'cos Shibalover doesn't fit you too well. We should probably go find a place to stay," Chris announces, lifting himself from the sand. He offers a hand to pull you up and you accept it. In the top right corner of your screen, a text appears.

New mission: find a place to stay.

"Let's go."

Walking side by side, the desert looked endless. But as you continued, a city began to form in the distance. Each step made it twenty times closer and soon enough, you could see a huge sign with the name 'Seokyo' in big white letters.

You shove your hands in your pockets. You look off into the distance, a gentle breeze accompanies the warm sunset.

"How are we even gonna find a place to stay if we don't have money?" you inquire. As if summoning yet another mission, in the top right of your screen another scribble of words appeared.

Talk to Minho at the Hilton.

"Alright, never mind," you laugh to yourself.

A glowing green trail guides you and Chris to the entrance of the Hilton. Outside, a boy was waiting. He looked frantic, almost in search of someone. Above his head was the name Minho.

When he catches sight of the two walking towards him, his shoulders bounce in animated anger. "Where have you two been? I've been sitting out here for two hours!" He grips at your and Chris' wrists, dragging you into the Hilton and towards the elevator.

"We were too busy almost dying," you remark. Minho shoots you a look and the smile disappears from your face.

"Sorry, but who are you?" Chris asks as the elevator slides open.

"Don't worry about that right now," Minho shakes his head, pushing you into the elevator and following with Chris.

He steps into the elevator, pressing the twelfth button. As it begins its route, you glance out of either side of the glass walls. Chris gripped at your hand as he tried not to look beneath his feet, where the people in the lobby were beginning to look more like ants.

"Alright, here's your key," Minho shoves the card into the palm of your hand. "Your room is the last one on the right. If you need me, I'll be wherever you are. Just tap this."

He points to the watch on your wrist which definitely was not there two seconds ago.

"Wait-" you begin as the elevator doors glide open. But as you begin to speak, a poof of glitter falls to the ground and Minho is gone.

You grunt, forcing your hand out of Chris' before stepping out of the elevator. Chris follows closely behind you. So close you can nearly feel his hot breath on the back of your neck. Just as you would if you were driving and someone was doing the same, you stop without warning. Chris' chest rams into your shoulder and you can't help but laugh at the way he jumps back.

"What was that for?" he gripes.

"I just wanted to brake check you," you manage through laughter, glancing up at him. He chews on his bottom lip for a moment, nodding slightly before returning to the pace he had held prior. This time, making sure to walk barely in front of you.

The room at the end of the hall was strangely distant from the others. You slid the keycard through the reader, granting access to the room.

"Woah," your mouth falls as your gaze settles around the room. A broad window that made up the walls showcased the beauty of Seokyo from an almost birdseye view.

"Jesus Christ, what is it with this game and heights?" Chris whines, his character resting his hands on his knees. He slowly enters the room and collapses on the only bed in sight, making sure to stay as far away from the window as humanly possible.

You close the door behind you, venturing off to find another bed. You pass the bathroom. The small living room. "No. This can't be right," you mumble to yourself when you retrace your steps and find Chris lying in all of his cartoon character glory.

"There's only one bed," you state dismally, crossing your arms on your chest.

"Okay and? It's not like it's real life, we'll just share this one. I call dibs on the right half," Chris sits up, patting beside him on the left side.

"No, I get the right half," you argue, stepping toward him and pressing your hand on his shoulder to push him to the other side.

"But I already called dibs, Y/N," he says gruffly, picking you up and setting you on the left.

"Rock, paper, scissors for it?"

v.

"How come I don't know any of your fears?" Chris asks, panting.

He had just gone bungee jumping, per request (it was more like a demand) of Minho. Except rather than it being in a clear, safe environment, he had been tasked with doing it above the equivalent of a spiky ravine with wolves reaching out to chew a limb off. You watched from afar, laughing at his screams and the occasional, "I think I pissed myself!" or, "Tell my mom I love her!"

You shrug, "I'm not really scared of anything."

As he fumbles with the harness, he glances up at you with a look of disbelief. "Oh come on, everyone has a fear."

"Yeah, and mine is being with you," you joke.

"And mine is being with you," he mocks in a girly voice.

A laugh tickles your throat, but you push it down. Instead, you just watch as he nearly trips himself while stepping out of the harness. "Good job, pretty boy."

"Shut up, princess," he retaliates, glancing up at you with dark eyes as he drops his harness in the wooden crate full of them. You could almost hear someone familiar in those words, and your stomach felt light with butterflies.

"I will hunt you down in real life and kill you, don't test me, Christopher," you point at him accusingly.

He puts his hands up and defense. "Oh no, I'm so scared. What're you gonna do? Stop by my house and see Changbin and Jisung before slaughtering me?"

"What?" you ask.

"Oh no," he begins, making static noises with his mouth. "I think my internet's going out, I'll see you tomorrow, Y/N!"

CB97 has left the game.

You fling your headset off, tossing it beside you. Your fingers find your face as you rub away any sense of dream, assuring yourself that you were indeed awake. It would be only a coincidence if he had mentioned Changbin. There are thousands of them in the world, right? But he said Changbin and Jisung.

Could Chris be Chan? If he is, why didn't he say anything to you? And why would he let it go on?

"Hey, Siri," you say until your phone blinks to life. "Call Seo Changbin."

"Calling Seo Changbin," the robotic voice says monotonously.

"Yes, my favorite Y/N," he answers, a raspiness in his voice. He must have just woken up, regardless of the fact that it was five in the afternoon on a Sunday.

"Hey, do you know a Chris by any chance?" you ask, jumping straight to the point.

"Um, yes, why must you know?"

You begin telling him the story of Risks and he interrupts you briefly, "Are you all riled up because you like Channie?"

"So it is Chan!" you say, throwing your hands in the air. You thank Changbin for his time, hanging up without any further comments on either end. So that's why he got all tense when you told him your name. Bang Chan. CB97. Christopher Bang. Who needs that many aliases anyway?

You text Jisung, knowing he will suspect nothing of what you were about to ask. He texts back immediately, providing the information with absolutely zero resistance.

You wait patiently while the FaceTime request rings.

"Hello?" the boy answers, too close to the screen. It must run in the household.

"So, Bang Chan, when were you gonna tell me you knew I was your teammate?" you ask, running a hand through your hair as your hands begin to shake. You weren't sure why they were doing such, but you were sure Changbin was wrong with his idea. You didn't like Chan, and you couldn't see yourself liking him ever. Not even in your next life. The butterflies were simply just your nerves getting the best of you.

"Okay, hear me out," he begins, eyes crinkling and you could tell he was smiling. "I didn't want to make things awkward because I knew if you were aware that it was me that you would treat me different from CB97. When it's Chris, you pick on me and conversation flows perfectly. But when it's Chan, we just kind of hide behind Changbin. Do you feel me?"

Hesitantly, you nod. "Yeah, but if you had just told me, I'm sure I would have maintained the teasing."

"Well I didn't want to take the risk," Chan admits. Punny, isn't it?

"I respect it," you say. "But are you really afraid of heights?"

Chan sighs a deep and heavy breath. "Yes. I still wanna know what you're scared of."

"I'm sure you'll find out," you mumble. The words escape your lips with ease. Okay, maybe you were lying to yourself when you said you didn't like him whatsoever. You just weren't in love with him. Yet. Maybe.

vi.

Back in the game, the heights grew bigger and more dangerous. Chan became needier for comfort now that you openly said you wouldn't be awkward with him. The fact that he couldn't sense your sudden apprehension when he clutched your hand was nothing short of a miracle.

And your biggest fear was beginning to manifest itself into the game.

"What does your mission say?" Chan asks, a bored sigh escaping his lips.

"Mine just says to sleep," you say, tossing a Rubix cube into the air and catching it before beginning again.

"Same here. Maybe your fears only appear in your dreams or something," Chan shrugs. Yeah, we'll go with that.

Your heartbeat picks up in your chest as he settles into the bed beside you. On the right side. "Yeah," you agree.

The night develops into darkness and while the light snores of Chan fill the air, you can't find yourself anywhere close to a dreamland. Every time you got anywhere close, the idea of Chan's lips brushing against yours would force your eyes open.

You reach up to press your palms into your eyes as if to summon the Sandman from the crevices of your hands. A warm arm encases your body and pulls you close. You flinch, dropping your hands and coming inches between Chan's face, which seemed way too close for comfort. Even if this was a simulation, your heart was pounding so loud you were beginning to think Chan's character could hear it.

You glanced down at his lips, which were barely parted and animated in the most realistic way possible. It was almost as if this weren't fake. You leaned forward a little and you were so close you thought you could see his little puffs of air. Then, you realize how weird this is and try to move back. But of course, Chan just has to tighten his grip and pull you even closer. Except this time, your lips nearly slam into his by the sudden movement.

Beneath your breath, you curse. Because fucking Bang Chan has to be a fucking pain in the ass. Carefully, you slide down so your face is closer to his chest than his alluring lips.

Despite the slightly uncomfortable position, you grew used to the rise and fall of his chest against your ear. It didn't lull you to sleep, but it gave you a different thing to listen to other than Chan's inconsistent snores.

The sun came faster than you thought it would and the top right of your screen read a new task.

Go to the store with Chan.

Just as the mission began to fade into a lighter color, Chan began to stir in his sleep. He hugged you closer as if that was even possible.

"Chan," you whisper, gazing up at him. "Can you let go of me, please?"

He groans, throwing a leg over your body. He's such a baby.

"Christopher Bang, if you do not get off of me right now I will walk to your dorm and kick you in that perfect face of yours," you threaten. Of course, not thinking about what just came out of your mouth.

His eyes shoot open and a smirk crosses his lips. He leans in close to your face and you can almost feel his eyelashes on your skin. "You think I have a perfect face?"

You hope he can't see the slight blush kissing your cheeks. "Pfft. No. You're annoying."

He rolls over until he's laying on top of you. You groan in pain. "Get off of me! Hippo!" you manage to shout although your intestines were being crushed.

"C'mon, admit it," he whispers in your ear.

You hold your breath unwillingly as it hitches in your throat. He pushes himself up and you think about his arms beside you. Muscle and all.

"Don't make me do it," he warns as he turns his head, yet still maintaining intimidating eye contact.

"Do what?" you ask, testing your chances.

He leans closer, his nose touching yours now. His lips part and you think he's about to kiss you but then...boop.

He kissed your cheek. "Admit it," he said. His voice wasn't that deep earlier, was it?

Your cheeks were already burning as is, but the thought that he could amp it up at all made your body feel numb. You huff, "Fine. You're not the ugliest person I've ever met."

Finally, he pushes himself up from bed and advances to the bathroom. Halfway there, he stops, glances over his shoulder and shoots a fast wink. You play it off by rolling your eyes but as soon as the bathroom door closes, you bury your face into the pillows of the bed. If you keep reminding yourself that it wasn't real, maybe you could prevent your heart from being tied into a knot so tight you can't undo it.

vii.

The grocery store you had been sent to was packed with people. Odd for a Tuesday morning in a video game, but nonetheless.

The green line led you to the back of the store, where the frozen foods were. You laugh, "Don't tell me you have a fear of frozen foods."

Chan scoffs, "Of course not. Do you?"

"No, sir," you say, crossing your heart with your forefinger.

As you approach the eggs, the green line fizzes out and you're left with nothing but a confused Chan beside you. "Well," he begins, "what now?"

"I'm not sure," you put your hands on your hips. While trying to brainstorm a conclusion to this mystery, you notice the watch glimmering on your wrist.

You tap it twice. Nothing happens and a glowing Minho did not fall before you. So you tap it one more time. Still nothing.

"In here," a muffled voice calls out. You spin around on your heels, trying to suppress a laugh that failed to submerge itself. Sitting between the racks of milk was Minho in a painfully uncomfortable position.

"Do you need a hint or what?" he asks, irritation tinging his voice.

"Uh, yeah, a hint would be nice. Why are we here?"

"It's time to face your fears, Y/N. Just have fun," Minho says, a final wink in his appearance before disappearing into dust.

"So you do have a fear of grocery stores!" Chan giggles. But you couldn't move your body, let alone your facial features. This couldn't be happening. Your fear couldn't possibly be rising right now. Especially after what Chan did this morning.

"Hello?" he waves a hand in front of your absentminded face.

"Yeah, okay, I'm scared of ruining a perfectly good place," you admit, but not really. It was really just to cover your tracks, but Mr. I'm Scared Of Heights didn't know that. Okay, maybe you were a bad liar.

"That's not true. I can see right through you," he says, picking up a carton of eggs gingerly. He pops open the lid, filling his hands with as many eggs as he could handle before tossing the carton holding the remaining eggs toward you. You flinch, somehow accomplishing to catch it and not shatter any of the eggs inside.

"What am I supposed to do with these?" you ask, glancing down at the eggs as if they were alien babies.

He smiles at you, bringing his hand up and waving you out of the way. You oblige, eyebrows knitted in confusion.

His eyes fall to the two eggs in one hand before looking at the innocent NPCs shopping. A smirk twitches his lips, and he powers up a throw. One of the eggs misses miserably, falling to the floor with an unenthusiastic splat. The other, however, lands square in the back of an elderly woman's head.

She twists her head around slowly, looking angrily at the young boy walking behind her while a hand travels to the yolk dripping out of her hair. She pulls her cane out from her cart and smacks the boy's knee before returning to her shopping excursion.

He sputters in agony, yelling in an incoherent language that sounded almost similar to Simlish.

"Chan!" you scold, trying your hardest not to laugh. On the contrary, he was roaring with laughter. Every now and then, his eyes would fall shut and he would try to return to seriousness, but to no avail.

"Come on," he says through a now semi-calm chuckle. "Your turn."

"Hell no." You walk towards him, returning the carton and the eggs within it. He allows you to set it down where he had originally obtained it from.

"Please," he whines, pushing his bottom lip out innocently and widening his eyes like a puppy. He holds an egg up in front of your face.

But you had gone through with falling victim to peer pressure already once in your life. You shake your head, setting off to retrace your steps to exit the market.

An arm pulls you back by the waist.

A yelp flees your mouth and you begin pounding on Chan's arm with yours. With his free hand, he grabs your right hand, forcing the egg into your palm. When you try to open your hand, he squeezes you tighter and you begin giggling.

"I'm not letting you go until you throw that egg, Y/N," he mumbles. You picture him in his room, a teasing smile resting on his lips. And then your mind wanders and you think about your lips on his.

Virtual reality is a strange thing. It's all fake, yet with his hand around your character's waist, you feel a sense of warmth in real life. So much even, that it transcends through your skin and your insides feel fuzzy.

You huff, "Fine."

Although, he doesn't let go. Though, at first, you didn't complain. In fact, you wanted to stay like that until the end of time. With Chan's arms around your waist and his head resting calmly on your shoulder.

"Are you going to let go?" you inquire.

Instantly, Chan releases his grip, mumbling, "Right. Yeah. Of course."

You smile down at your character's knock off Converse before glancing around the store. Regardless of your promise, you weren't so sure you could just chuck an egg at an innocent bystander, even if they were just a robot coded into the game for no important reason other than to be a placeholder for missions.

As if an angel had descended upon you from the heavens above, you heard an outside voice through Chan's headset.

"I'm kinda busy, Sungie," Chan said. You looked back at his character and you could see a light blush dusting his cheeks.

"Why are you all blushy? Are you talking with-" Jisung teases with that tone in his voice that was just so Jisung. He gets cut off by only what you can assume is Chan lobbing the headset at him, based off of the loud thud you heard. Then, at the bottom of your screen: CB97 has left the game. Because this is a dual-player game, your current progress will be saved and you will be forced to wait until your partner returns.

A barely audible laugh arises from your throat, and to an outsider, it sounded more like a scoff. You pull the headset off of your head, shaking your hair out and finally letting it break free from the confined enclosure. Gently setting the headset on the ground, you hold your phone close to your chest, somewhat expecting a text from either Chan, apologizing on Jisung's behalf or from Jisung, giving an apology he was forced to deliver from Chan.

Instead, nothing came. So you just lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling and reliving the events of the previous hours. You smiled each time you recalled Chan's hand on your waist and you got so embarrassed you had to hide your face in your pillow, even though no one was there to watch you.

Your phone vibrates against your chest and your heart flutters. Immediately, Chan's golden smile crosses your mind. With a smile tugging at the corners of your lips, you glimpse down at the screen. As you identify the sender of the message, you sigh. It would be a lie to say you weren't disappointed, but nonetheless, you take Jihyo's message about her forgetting her dorm key into account.

Now that there was a sudden need for responsibility, sleep hid within the comforter and attempted to strangle you in a peaceful cocoon. You shake your head, bringing a hand to your cheek and slapping yourself into alert consciousness.

Your phone buzzes again. Assuming it was just Jihyo again, you glance with little enthusiasm. No butterflies in your chest.

You read the text first. When I threw my headset at Jisung, I think I broke it. RIP Risks :(

Oh. It was Chan. And then the love bug constricts your heart in all shapes and forms.

A soft knock comes from the door and you slowly sit up, tearing yourself from the comfort of your bed. Since it was just Jihyo, you stumbled to the door and didn't bother to try not to fall over. You only tripped twice. A world record compared to the previous five.

As the door is opening, you begin, "Hey, Ji-." You pause when you see the face. "sung?"

"Hi, Y/N," he pushes past you, allowing entry for himself. Just like he always does.

"Can I help you?" you inquire, slowly shutting the door behind you as your eyebrows jump in questioning.

He glances up at you as if you were invading his free time. He shook his head. "No."

"Well," he interjects, falling upon the pink bean bag beside Jihyo's bed. "Kind of."

When he doesn't continue, you find your arms crossing your chest with slight irritation. "And?"

A devious smirk plays at his lips, and all of a sudden you feel unsettled. Like he's about to whip a knife out of thin air and stab you to death right there.

"Do you like Chan?" he bluntly asks, tugging at his bottom lip with his teeth.

Your ribcage shattered from the reaction of your heart pounding against it. "What? No. That's gross," you scoff, although your cheeks were growing hot and tears were beginning to prick at your eyes.

Jisung hums at your response in delight and his smirk transitions to a satisfied smile. His tongue prods at his cheek as he tries to fight the obviousness of why he was here.

"Okay. Can you do me a favor then?"

"I do favors for you every time you see me. It's almost as if-"

He interrupts, "Just answer the goddamn question."

A sigh yelling that you want to return to your dorm without the burden of Jisung in it escapes your parted lips. "Fine."

"Meet Changbin at the library in like," he pauses, glancing at the time displayed on his phone, "two hours."

"Why?"

"Oh, would you look at the time? I need to get to my mom's house for dinner!" he exclaims, jumping up from the beanbag and excusing himself.

"Your mom lives across the country!" you call out, but the door is already closed by the time you finish.

viii.

It was a cold, mid-January night and you had forgotten your heavy coat at home. You wandered the streets of Seoul in a barely thick enough hoodie. Every now and then, you would shove your hands deep into the front pockets of your jeans and hope to generate enough heat to get you by.

Your phone begins vibrating angrily from the kangaroo pouch of your hoodie. A sigh escapes your lips as you answer the call and press the oddly warm phone to your ear.

"Yes?"

"Where are you? I'm outside your dorm," Changbin's voice breaks through the static of the call.

"Jisung told me to meet you at the library," you halt in your tracks, glancing around as if to summon someone from the void.

There's shuffling on the other end and you hear a car door close before Changbin speaks up again, "What street are you on?"

You glance up, past the suburban houses and to the end of the street. You have to squint to make it out. "Mugyo-ro," you look to any identifying surroundings. "By the Starbucks and 7-Eleven."

"Fucking Jisung," he curses under his breath. He tells you to stay where you are and that he'd be there within the next three minutes.

As the tens of people pass you just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, you began to feel more and more awkward. You pray in your mind that Changbin would magically arrive quicker without speeding or crashing. Wait a minute, since when did Changbin even have a car?

Finally, a particularly nice car that you recall seeing in the Seo's driveway pulls up to the side of the road and the deeply tinted windows roll down. Changbin leans into the passenger's seat so you can see him. "Let's go, I got something planned."

You slip into the seat beside his, immensely grateful that he had the heat all the way up.

Soft, lyrical rap was humming through the car and although the volume was low, you could feel the melodic bass beneath your feet. Your hands begin to shake slightly in your lap for no reason other than the silence that didn't sit well.

"So why have I been kidnapped on this fine evening?" you ask, your voice nearly cracking at the beginning. The nervousness had gotten to you, yet you weren't even sure why you felt this way.

Changbin ran a quick hand through his hair before returning his hand to the wheel. He turns into the library parking lot. An unsure sigh leaves his lips and his eyes shoot to the clock on his dash.

"Don't worry about it, Y/N."

You huff, relaxing your shoulders and leaning back into the way too comfy leather seats.

"Can you do me a favor?" he asks as he pulls into a parking spot and shifts his car into park.

"Um, I guess so?"

He reaches behind you, resting his hand on the shoulder of your seat before pulling a book up from the floor.

"Go turn this in for me," Changbin orders, dropping the book in your lap.

"And why can't you do that?" you say, face contorting into a subtle disgust as you look over at him.

"I have to call my mom," he sticks his bottom lip out gently, knowing all too well that you'd fall for it.

"You owe me one," you mutter, unbuckling your seatbelt and dismissing yourself from the car.

As you advance towards the entrance of the library, you glance back at Changbin. Through the windshield, you can see his phone pressed to his ear and his mouth is moving.

A wave of warmth slaps you in the face as the scent of old books invades your sense of smell. Your phone vibrates in your pocket and you sigh as you dig it out.

Changbin: Hey, I think I left a bookmark in that book. Can you check for me?

Your pace slows as you flip through the book. A slip of folded notebook paper falls to the floor. Squatting to pick it up, you slowly unfold it. In Changbin's messy, scribbled handwriting, it read:

Turn the book in. Now go to the library garden. Good luck!

Your eyebrows knit in confusion. You glance over your shoulder with wonder in your eyes. When your eyes fall on the now empty parking spot, you glare and curse Changbin's name under your breath.

The book drop was at the very entrance by the reference desk. On the other side of the library, by the children's section, was the garden. Your steps were short, anxious, and the progressively dimming lights of the library were not helping. Nor was the fact that it was nearly empty.

You push the heavy door to the garden with hesitance coursing through your veins like your body was a Mario Kart course. So far, uneasiness was in first as Bowser.

Winter air bit at your cheeks as you enter the small, quaint area. Your eyes jump to the fairy lights adorning the sky. It looked like the universe was extremely zoomed and was within touching distance.

"Hi," a voice breaks into your moment of awe.

Peach grasped first place as flutters fly around your heart.

"Hey, Chan," you smile. His hands were behind his back and he was rocking back and forth on his heels. He looked nervous. And then you realized, this was oddly romantic. And why exactly were you here?

"Um, so I know this is like," he brings his forefinger and thumb to his nose bridge and pinching it. "kind of weird, but, uh-"

"Are you about to confess your lifelong love for me?" you teasingly question, saving him from the awkwardness.

His hands fall to his side, exposing the bouquet he was holding behind his back. "Did Jisung snitch? I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"Just a wild guess," you laugh. You were lucky the air was freezing because you could tell your cheeks were flaming red.

He stands there for a second, lips slightly parted with a cloud leaving them every so often. You think back to the game, where he had fallen asleep with you in his arms.

"I know this is odd ti-" he begins.

"I like you too," you say at the same time, unintentionally interrupting him.

"You sure do like cutting into my sentences, huh?" he laughs and it sounds like music to your ears. The most beautiful orchestra to ever make any sound.

He takes a step towards you, the bouquet held close to his chest with both hands. He pushes it toward you, the bulbs of the flowers right in front of your nose as the plastic wrap tickles your cheek. "Here," he shakes the collection of white carnations in your face, sending the smell of fresh flowers through the air.

You reach up, taking the flowers and holding them to your heart. "Thank you," you grin.

"Okay, now can we please go somewhere warm? I've been waiting out here for like an hour and I think I caught pneumonia."

ix.

"Why'd you confess right then, at that moment?" you ask, reminiscing the events of last week.

Chan laughs, tugging the covers up over his and your legs. He returned his arm to your waist. "Do you want the real story or the coverup?"

"Well, first of all, why even is there a coverup? And to answer your question, gimme both," you twist in his arms so you're facing him.

Chan sits up slightly and squints at the door. You look over your shoulder to see an eye peeking through the crack.

"Fuck off, Jisung," Chan shouts, picking up the already broken VR headset and chucking it at the door.

"No sex while I'm here, ya hear me?" he screams back, his voice transitioning into a muffled noise as he begins walking back to his room.

Chan glances back to you, relaxing. "Where were we?"

"Confession and coverup," you summarize.

"Oh, right. So, after Jisung rudely interrupted our gaming experience, Changbin was all like, 'what's the commotion' and Jisung was like 'he's in love with Y/N.' And then Changbin scoffed and was like, 'bold of you to assume she'd show any affection back' so Jisung and I were like big question mark," he begins. You didn't realize he told stories like a teenage white girl until then.

"Changbin told me you were pretty much scared of love and then it clicked. So Jisung ran all the way to your dorm for an experiment. He pulled the library thing out of his ass, by the way. None of us knew he was going to do that. And I certainly wasn't prepared. Nearly had a heart attack."

"Fucking Jisung," you laugh.

"Yes, fucking Han Jisung."

"And what about the coverup story?"

"Oh, Jisung told me that if you ever asked why I confessed to just say that I had known ever since we first started playing, but we all know that would be a lie. I only kind of knew a couple of hours before Jisung went to your dorm," Chan smiles, pressing his lips to yours shortly.

You pull away first, a question invading your thoughts. "Wait, when did you know I started liking you?"

He does the smile you do when you're not supposed to be aware of something, but you are. "Y'know that time we were sleeping and I threw my arm over you?"

You gasp, "Do not tell me you were awake."

A mischievous smile danced on his lips. "But then I would be lying to the prettiest girl in the world."

You punch at his chest. "You suck!"

"But you love me," he swoons, dragging you closer to his body.

"You're fucking lucky I do."

[god-fucking-dammit-mizutani]

Just This Once

Word Count: ~3600 Part: 1/? Summary: Taichi gets invited along on a free vacation with the Izumi family to a quaint little cabin where there promises to be great food, plenty of activity, and sun in the forecast. The catch? The whole family thinks he’s dating Koushirou.

Taichi wishes it were true.

Read below or on AO3

"This has got to be the most ridiculous thing you have ever done," Yamato decides. Even under his sunglasses, Taichi can feel the heat of his glare. It could rival the sun today, already sitting at the highest point in the sky, without a single cloud in view to obscure it.

Taichi looks away, frowning. "It's not the most," he protests. Yamato takes a long, audible sip of his iced latte. Nothing in Taichi's memories leap to his defense. 

When they come to the longest patch of shade along the dirt road, Taichi feels their pace shorten to a leisurely, measured gait. Wind races past them, a wonderful reprieve from the heat. August has been brutal. Yamato reeks of several coatings of sunblock, masked ever so faintly by an overdose of cologne. Taichi's nose tickles with the repulsive combination; his iced tea tastes like chemicals just from the smell of it. 

Yamato pins his bangs up against his head with the slide of his sunglasses. Somehow the dark makes his eyes all the more brighter. He kicks at a collection of pebbles on the dirt path. Taichi watches them skitter along, some rolling into the tall, uncut grass on either side of them. "When are you leaving?" 

For a while Taichi doesn't answer. He can hear a mother shouting at her kid for something on the playground nearby. 

"Tonight," he finally shares, tugging at his shirt in quick bursts like it's a fan. Bits of the fabric are already damp with his sweat. 

Yamato stops dead in the path. A jogger who had been catching up on their tails just narrowly leans out of the way to miss bumping against him. Taichi watches her blaze down the pedestrian pathway, his muscles twitching with want to follow the same path, to enter a secret race against the other runners at the park fueled only by the desire to be faster. 

Maybe it's just his instinct to run away, begging him. 

It's too hot. 

"I told you it was too late to back out," Taichi mutters, picking back up on their previous pace. Yamato jogs up beside him a moment later and Taichi hates that he feels kind of sorry for how strenuous that must be when the air just tastes like heat. 

"Backing out," Yamato scoffs— wheezes—" is not the point. Have you no sense of self preservation?" 

Taichi can't argue with that. He's been wondering the same thing himself since the moment he woke up, since the memory of his promise had solidified from some fever dream into reality.

Maybe it was heatstroke.

Taichi frowns. He knows it wasn't. 

It had, after all, been Koushirou asking. With his eyes so wide on the other side of their video call, it had felt like Taichi was staring down a deer trapped in his headlights. "Just this once," he had pleaded and Taichi just couldn't say no.

Yamato kicks at another collection of pebbles sleeping in their way, his black slacks covered in a layer of dust so thick the fabric looks almost as if it were tip dyed beige. Taichi watches as the stones arc along the air, before sprinkling back to the dirt like a smattering of shooting stars. He wonders if he could make a wish on every single pebble, but he knows he'd only ask for one thing. 

He almost chokes on his iced tea, not preparing for the bath of pseudo chemicals it coats his tongue in. Throwing it out after all the money he spent would only put a worse taste in his mouth and so Taichi takes another long chug.

"Pretending to date the guy you're in love with is your most boneheaded idea," Yamato doubles down. He shakes his drink, ice shuffling around the barely there liquid. When Yamato sips around his straw it sounds like he's sucking on air. Taichi takes another chug of his own drink and wishes they could switch. "And on vacation with his goddamn family."

Taichi lets out a long huff. He hates to admit Yamato's right, even if it technically wasn't his idea, so he keeps it to himself, kicking at the ground instead. All it earns him is a blanket of dust on the cuffs of his jeans.

The line between the shade and the sun is striking. Heat clings around Taichi like a toxic friend welcoming him back, and he wishes he were anywhere else.

Almost anywhere else.

"Hey," Yamato starts, knocking his shades down over his eyes in a deft swoop. Taichi mourns the sunglasses he had every intention to grab on his way out of the house this afternoon as the light of the sun burns his eyes. "At least I've got a whole week to plan your funeral." 

Taichi feels the edge of his lips twitch into a sardonic half smile. "It's great to have friends you can depend on when it counts." 

Yamato crosses over into him for a moment, their shoulders brushing minutely. "Don't mention it." 

Taichi throws his drink out in the closest receptacle. His tongue feels heavy, like someone bathed it in sunblock. 

"I won't." 

Early evening does little to abate the heaviness of summer. Taichi had hoped they'd leave the mugginess behind in Odaiba, with the exhaust fumes and high rises. It's too cold with the wind of the highway whipping by them to keep the window down completely, but too warm inside the car to keep it shut. Taichi doesn't trust the air conditioner to not burn out again , and so he settles on leaving the window open just a crack. 

Even with little competition from the wind and other traffic, the radio can barely be heard. Taichi only knows what's playing because the station only seems to have the license to just three songs. 

He doesn't ask why they're leaving so much later than the rest of Koushirou's family. Taichi can guess that much himself; an attempt to stave off the inevitable embarrassment and barrage of intrusive questions. A breath of fresh air before the oncoming storm. 

Taichi wishes it would storm, just for the night. It's so hot.

His leg bounces without his permission. "Should we set some, uh, ground rules?"

Koushirou hums, tapping his fingers on the top of the steering wheel. Taichi hoists his seat back a little bit, watching Koushirou watch the road for a while before the other repeats, "Ground rules," quietly to himself. Just a little bit behind Koushirou's ear is a deep, inset stain Taichi had forgotten about from when Mimi had drunkenly thrown a ketchup-saturated burger at his head. Taichi frowns. He can't remember why. It was probably deserved, he decides begrudgingly.  

It's weird being the passenger in his own car, but Koushirou had insisted on letting him rest the majority of their ride. Taichi breathes in, tightly. It's a nice thought. 

Koushirou spares him a quick look, almost as if he's alarmed to see someone else in the car. Taichi’s fingers tap the console of his own door, a small impulsive voice in his head telling him it's not too late to tuck and roll. He withdraws his hand, playing with the bridge of his seatbelt instead. 

Koushirou looks back to the road. "What do you suggest?" 

Though it pains him, Taichi suggests, "No kissing?" He tries not to be bothered when Koushirou readily agrees, as if the thought is burning something unpleasant into his mind. 

"Anything that you find congenial," Koushirou decides a second later. "Short of kissing," he adds, "just treat me as any other partner you've had." 

Taichi turns his head to look out the window instead, the suggestion somersaulting in his stomach. Outside the trees and guardrails are nothing more than blurs of color. Taichi makes a game of trying to pin them into their proper shapes until it strains his eyes and makes his head dizzy. 

"What are we going to tell your parents after this week?" He asks as soon as the thought occurs to him. Taichi meets Koushirou's eyes in the rearview mirror.

"That we weren't compatible in a romantic capacity. Naturally," he adds. 

"Yeah," Taichi drawls out. "Naturally."

"We'll relay that we worked best as friends." Koushirou tilts his head back just enough to offer Taichi, what he suspects, is supposed to be a reassuring smile. It doesn't work. Taichi just thinks he looks cute, trying to still be attentive to the road and him. "Lay low for a few days," he continues. "Then we proceed as if nothing has changed." 

Sunset stains the sky above them, bright blues just giving way to rose-pinks and burnt-oranges. It looks like someone painting over a used canvas, and Taichi watches the colors bleed towards the horizon through the driver side window. He hates how pretty sunset looks on Koushirou, like the world created it just to softly compliment this boy. 

Taichi feels it when the car starts to roll along the highway slower. "Traffic," Koushirou reports without Taichi having to ask. "Seems we still hit rush hour," he tacks on apologetically. Taichi leans up from the chair just enough to see the forest of red lights glow all at once in front of them. They're still some ways off, but Taichi knows Koushirou is prudent when it comes to literally everything, so he refrains from commenting. 

He lets his head fall back down, the strain in his neck evident only now that he's resting. 

Taichi catches the sun by some far off mountains. He closes one eye, reveling in how the orange-red deathball seems to shift perfectly between the hills at his whim. He tries with his other eye, then back and forth. 

"I never asked," Taichi realizes when the car finally comes to a full rest. For a moment he worries that his words have been swallowed by the scream of emergency vehicles racing towards them until Koushirou hums for him to continue. "But what started all—" Taichi looks up at him for a moment, pursing his lips for the word to come to him. His leg bounces again. "You know, this ?" He gestures at the air between them. Koushirou snorts.

"Our ersatz relationship?" Taichi thinks the sentence would sound best without ersatz—whatever it means— but he makes a noise of agreeance. "My cousin obtained a partner this year." 

Taichi waits. In his peripherals he catches the bright, red lights of the emergency vehicles long before the ambulance comes up beside his car. Koushirou always drives in the slow lane. Taichi doesn't think he even moves to pass other cars. More often he's just content to ride shotgun while Taichi drives. 

He catches Koushirou watching the police cars as they pass, his knuckles on the steering wheel white and straining. 

"It was a calamity," Koushirou recalls, eyes back on the road. His stare looks more pointed, less dutiful. It's been a while since he cut his hair, Taichi realizes. It curls around the shell of an equally reddened ear and Taichi tries not to sound pushy when he asks him to continue. "My aunt started interrogating my mother if everything was okay, if I needed help finding someone because I'm a recluse and never get out." 

Taichi whistles.

"She means well," Koushirou says in defense, "but she is tenacious when she sets her mind to something." 

"Right," Taichi agrees. He's got a few of those, but he's lucky enough to have a large extended family, that he and Hikaru tend to mostly fly under the radar. 

Koushirou breathes in. He presses off the break briefly and the car rolls forward before jerking to another stop. Taichi watches his eyebrows knit, or twitch, like Koushirou's still in the middle of an argument with her. 

"My mother knows I have the propensity to like people," Koushirou continues, his cheeks now staining a pleasantly warm red, "so I couldn't lie there." 

Taichi nods along, twisting the seat belt around his hand, then again, and again, until there's no more give. 

"I started getting calls," Koushirou admits. His eyes are almost as wide with terror as they had been the night before. "She was giving out my number to her friends, for any of their interested children." His face pinches. Taichi understands, a bit. If it's not one of their friends, Koushirou will rarely answer his phone, text or otherwise. "She started making all these plans to go to bars during the trip, and then she offered to—" Koushirou swallows tightly. "Telling her I was already in a relationship seemed the only way to appease her." 

Taichi scrunches up his legs and straps the top end of the seat belt around his knees, let's the weight of them pull until the belt fastens around his midsection tighter. "So," Taichi starts, "you told them we were dating?" 

Koushirou hums. "Not," he stops. His one hand falls to the gear shift on the console between their seats. "Not quite. I'd hoped just saying someone was enough, but then they insisted I bring my partner to the family vacation, if my cousin was bringing his and I, well, originally excogitated asking Jyou, but," Koushirou presses his lips into a thin line, "it didn't quite develop that way."

"Oh," Taichi says intelligently.

Koushirou lets out a long sigh, as if he'd been holding the breath in this whole time. Taichi looks out his own window, at the dotting of stars already freckling the sky. With everything darkened, he can vaguely see Koushirou's reflection. Taichi frowns.

"We can turn around," Koushirou says all at once, his head turning towards the rear of the car. On instinct Taichi sits up and looks behind them as well. There's already a line of cars sitting all the way down from where Taichi can see. Koushirou thumbs the button, as if he might actually put the car into reverse and drive them out of there. 

"Koushirou," Taichi starts, putting his hand over the other's until he looks up, dark eyes still wide. 

"We can tell everyone the highway shut down," Koushirou asserts. "Or one of us developed food poisoning—" 

"Koushirou," he repeats, offering a vaguely reassuring smile. "It will be fine." Taichi sends a swift look back over his shoulder, and then a pointed one before them. Koushirou follows his eyes. Taichi squeezes his hand where they're still connected over the gear shift. He grins the best he can. "No matter what, we're going to have a fun week, okay?" 

Koushirou smiles back. The night sky halos around him and Taichi thinks that, maybe, the dark compliments him better because Koushirou looks so bright and ethereal. Taichi hopes Koushirou can't feel the rabbiting of his pulse when their hands are still connected.

"Thank you," he says, quietly. Taichi only moves his hand when Koushirou shifts the car into neutral, sinking back in his seat as if a weight had been taken from his shoulders. The radio blares loudly, now that it's hitting the first commercial break. Taichi reaches over to turn it off. It's really disconcerting to him, being the passenger.

"I really mean it," Koushirou enthuses a second later. "I'm very gracious you're here."

"Yeah?" Taichi says. He hopes his grin doesn't look as dopey as it feels. "That's what—" he pauses—"ersatz boyfriends are for." 

Koushirou laughs. The car in front of them moves forward just a second and Koushirou lifts his foot off the brake to follow along.

"You are perhaps the world's most superlative, ersatz boyfriend." 

Taichi throws a hand emphatically over his heart. "Thank you," he says, "all of my actual relationships have been simple practice for this moment." 

Koushirou snorts.

Cement eventually gives way to dirt roads, trees and boulders the only way to mark their journey. The car jitters back and forth on the uneven paths; Taichi worries they'll lose the right wheels when the vehicle jumps over a poorly laid stone. Mother nature is a terrible architect. 

The driveway is rectangular, paved sloppily with pebbles. Rustic, Taichi thinks. Koushirou kills the engine as soon as he slips Taichi's Honda right between the two SUVs already lined up.

"Looks nice," Taichi comments, slipping carefully out of his side of the car, keeping the door close enough to his body so as not to scrape the black paint of the other. Over the hood of his car, Koushirou settles him with a look. Quietly he repeats, "Looks nice." 

Koushirou beams at him. 

They meet around the trunk, Taichi already curling his fingers under the indent above the license plate, waiting. 

Taichi stares. 

Koushirou stares. 

"You have the keys," Taichi reminds him. He tempers his own laughter as Koushirou startles, almost dropping them from his hands. After a few seconds of him fiddling around with the key fob, the trunk opens with a light thunk . Taichi only lifts it part of the way open. He grabs for the green straps of the laptop bag first and offers it over to Koushirou. "You can go in first," he whispers as Koushirou takes his bag. 

Unsteady on his feet, Koushirou tilts his head as if to question him, and Taichi smiles. He insists, "Go ahead," unable to resist ruffling Koushirou's already untamed hair. His heart twinges when Koushirou does not push away, instead leaning against the weight of Taichi's hand, midnight eyes drifting shut. He looks as if he could rest there, with only Taichi's hand to keep him steady. 

"Thank you," Koushirou says, barely above a breath. 

"Yeah," Taichi answers, retracting his hand. "Get some sleep, I'll bring in the rest." 

He hears the drag of Koushirou's feet along the driveway, disturbing every stone on his way. 

Taichi grabs for the duffel bag Koushirou had helped him fill before they left, and the recycled grocery bag he'd filled with some odd snacks he'd meant to eat on the way and his swim trunks he’d almost forgotten. He checks the trunk to make sure the keys aren't there before frowning. He’d forgotten to take them back. 

He hears the lake before he sees it. Lights from distant cabins along the farther shore ripple infinitely in the dark water. Taichi breathes in and the residual smell of campfire reminds him of summer camp and barbeques and for the first time his chest swells with something other than anxiety. He takes a minute more to admire the scenery until the duffel bag on his shoulder reminds him how late it really is.

Taichi does his best to be quiet, taking every step up the porch deliberately, trying to pick up his feet— but it's the screen door he doesn't expect to betray him when it recoils back to it's post with a thunderous wham. 

He stands in the front room, stock still, waiting for a hoard of angry Izumi's to come rushing in and reprimand him. Instead only Koushirou turns around the corner, standing in the open concept kitchen just in front of him. He has a finger up to his lips, as if reminding Taichi to keep quiet. Too late. 

"My dad was waiting up for us. He just went to bed," Koushirou relays on a long yawn. Taichi notices he's already changed into a set of pajamas and he tries not to think how adorable he looks in them. Koushirou points somewhere past the wall and tells Taichi, "Our room's that way." 

Our room sits heavy in Taichi's stomach. He hadn't really given it thought before this moment as he follows Koushirou down the longest hallway. They'd shared rooms in the past, he has to remind himself, but it feels different somehow. 

His stomach somersaults again when Koushirou opens the door. 

"They were being courteous giving us this room," he explains, moving his laptop bag off the single bed. "Since—" 

"We're a couple," Taichi remembers. It is nice of them, he tells himself. They're being supportive. Not trying to kill him. 

Koushirou smiles back at him over his shoulder, his eyes muddled with sleep. "Bathroom's across the hall," he says and Taichi understands that he's really telling him to get ready in the most polite way he can. 

Taichi shrugs the duffel bag off his shoulder by the side of the door, and tosses the plastic bag next to it. He rummages through for one of his night shirts and tells Koushirou, "I'll be back."

Koushirou's already tucked into bed when he’s finally finished. Taichi turns out the light by the door. Little bits of light filter in through the barely closed curtains, and it is the only way Taichi finds his way in the dark.

"I'm sorry," Koushirou breathes out the minute the mattress dips with Taichi's weight. "For dragging you," he trails off for a long while. Taichi watches the ceiling. The fan in the corner of the room is loud. He hopes it becomes white noise. "Dragging you into this," he murmurs out of nowhere. 

Taichi laughs, adjusting on the bed until his cheek touches the pillow, facing the other. 

Moonlight sits lightly on Koushirou's cheeks, elongating every angle of his face. He looks otherworldly sometimes. "I'm kind of glad," Taichi says finally, huffing out the words like he's lost all of his rights to oxygen. "It's rare for you to ask for something like this." Koushirou hums, his eyes fluttering minutely. It sounds like a question so Taichi answers, "Something for yourself." 

Koushirou huffs, a nonverbal protest.

Taichi laughs. "Go to sleep."  

Taichi never falls asleep himself.  Even with his eyes closed his heart just feels restless in his chest, his mind racing with intangible thoughts. Even with the fan humming in the background it's too hot to feel comfortable.

Taichi decides that dawn is just as lovely as sunset, when it crests over the distant treeline outside their window and sits gently on Koushirou's cheeks and wonders how Yamato's doing, if his plans for Taichi's funeral are going swimmingly. 

[likethecatiam]

I Just Watched Interview with the Vampire and Here Are the Thoughts I Had

This is starting differently than I expected

Okay now I get it

Plantation owner huh

Oh this happening quickly

Oh we’re really moving

LESTAT

Where is the exposition???? I’d like at least a little

I STILL DON’T KNOW YOUR NAME SIR

Why don’t you want to kill? Why haven’t we established an explanation?? Where is your character???

Man Lestat you are such a drama queen

Girl you better run

Girl he don’t care for you he’s your OWNER

Louis don’t kill her

LOUIS

GIRL I TOLD YOU TO RUN

Someone’s having a mental breakdown~

Yeah I’m with you Lestat, STOP BURNING EVERYTHING LOUIS

TITS

“What’s that my love?” “It’s a coffin!” “Oh. Oh, so it is! Maybe you’re dead!” Lestat please

Sir you are the king of throwing bitch fits

The plague??? In the 1700s???

“Hey Google, when was the plague???”

You spent. SO long. Bitching about not killing people. But you gon kill this child?

Aight

Lestat please don’t dance with the corpse

I take it back, I adore your chaotic evil energy, dance and sing with that corpse it’s funny

Louis you little bitch

Sewer boy

Don’t turn the child

DON’T TURN THE CHILD

Oh you’ve turned the child

Lestat you are that toxic boyfriend

M A N I P U L A T I O N

Claudia you’re the cutest little monster

I love domestic dads Lestat and Louis

A family can be one chaotic evil vampire, his depressed vampire husband and their innocently murderous vampire daughter

If anything happens to Claudia I will kill all of you

NOT IN THE HOUSE CLAUDIA

Aw she’s growing up

Oh no she’s growing up

TATAS

Accept it Lestat, she’s outgrown the dolls. She’s not your little girl anymore

Temper tantrum or teenage outburst?

CLAUDIA! NOT IN THE HOUSE!!!

How did neither of you smell that???

She must’ve been there for days!!

Aw Claudia honey, the truth is hard

Gasp

No! No hate! No no no!

Lestat no!

NO!

I miss the domesticity ( •̥́ ﹏ •̀ू )

MY LOVE?!

Oh, okay, thank god

LESTAT STOP PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY

NO STOP BEING MEAN

God, you insufferable prick I fucking adore you let me punch you in the face and hold you

CLAUDIA DID YOU TURN THEM

OH okay

She don’t forgive your bitchass

CLAUDIA WHAT THE HELL

“Louis! LOUIS!” Oh my god don’t sound so broken no I should hate you oh my heart LOUIS WHERE ARE YOU

Oooo I like that CGI

CLAUDIAAAAAA

Louis baby no don’t look so sad

I know your daughter killed your husband but please I’m hurting too

Goodbye Lestat

Your happiness means NOTHING

Why am I always drawn to the asshole characters??? Lestat come back

NO NOT LIKE THAT

LESTAT NO

SAIL AWAY SAIL AWAY

Wealthy single dad and his only daughter enjoying life

Er, unlife rather

So no one speaks French in Paris huh

There’s Antonio Banderas

Armand

A the-ate-er you say?

Oh this is fun

Oh she’s not an actress

BOOBS

So y’all just gon watch?

OH THAT’S FULL NUDITY OKAY

Welp she’s dead

So y’all just gon watch and then quietly shuffle away

Was there a “Not for the weak of heart” warning?

Hello cast and crew!

Y’all broke. The ONLY rule

Even Lestat didn’t do that

Damn Claudia

So you’re an empath. Why am I just now learning this?

Louis no just take Claudia and leave don’t talk to Armand again

Sighhhhhhhhh

Claudia don’t take random women off the street and present them to Louis he’s not Lestat

Oh so it’s not like that it’s like THAT

Oh but you seem like an alright lady

Claudia you know he’d never leave you

Oh so we doing this

What’s this conversation

CLAUDIA DON’T KISS HIM YOU ARE A C H I L D

Oop y’all took too long monologuing the vampire police are here

Oh she’s protecting Claudia, you would’ve been perfect for her Ms. whatsyourname

NO DON’T KILL THE NICE LADY

NOOO

Armand don’t give a fuck about you stop calling for him

Is this how Lestat felt? Lestat I miss you, you douche

Will they be saved?

Oh there you are Armand

Whoops I guess not

Louis no don’t look

Ohhhhh the nice lady wanted to protect Claudia

I really liked that nice lady

What’re you gonna do Louis

OHHH SHIT LOUIS YOU ARE SUCH AN ARSONIST

Oh that got bloody real quick

Goodbye Theatre des Vampires or whatever the fuck

Fuck you Armand

“Did he just…”

Back to America

Movies!!!

That suit is horrid Louis

Lestat?

Lestat?

LESTAT!!!

Whoo boy you look like shit lmao

Louis is a changed man/vampire/thing, are you too Lestat

It’s a helicopter my dude. How long have you been there

But why is there a helicopter with a searchlight looking in to your little hovel? What have you been up to sir?

“I could become the Lestat of before” NOPE YOU AIN’T CHANGED

Were you trying to drive him away with that??? I don’t understand???

Goodbye Lestat, your extra drama queen chaotic evilness will always be felt in my heart

The End~

Dude, don’t try to argue with a depressed vampire

YOU’RE AN IDIOT

DUMBASS

Louis where you gonna go now

Aw what I wanna know where you’re going what you’re gonna do

What’re you gonna do with this information dude

Where you goin

Why are you listening to it again

LESTAT

Lestat you bitch I love you

NOW The End

In Conclusion: Movie was much different than what I thought it would be, but I still enjoyed it. There were some parts where I was worried this would be a terrible watch, but that was mostly in the beginning. Things got better after Claudia was introduced, though there were some good moments before that point. I’m glad I finally got around to watching it! And I will not be watching the second one! Because, no :D

[chaotic-undying-loki]

I really hate aggressive, hateful, bullying, and petty fans in fandoms. Tldr, can't edit, on phone but feeling my annoyance hard

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER

Also, kinda long, feel free to scroll past, I'm just dealing with the stress of negative fans toxifying fandoms, on either side. Also if you don't like negative critiques of Kylo, feel free to scroll.

(on phone, can't cut it off, sorry for length, or typos)

Often there's two sides, half the time those two sides are ship-focused, though not always, it can be character focused or narrative focused. And I try to be, and mostly am, reasonable, patient, and respectful of people's opinions.

Sometimes my opinions might sound as if they're judgmental if a character, but I do my best to deliver my opinion honestly but without it seeming aggressive. Sometimes I might even with-hold an opinion to not offend or start a fight (I hate TR now, but have friends who love it, that I rp with, so I keep most opinions to myself and try to stay respectful when, if ever, I share my opinion).

I don't like people, on either side, ie that share my opinion or stand with the opposite (over a ship, character, it any content), who will attack in any way, shape or form; calling people idiots, generalizing in misogynistic/sexist/racist/or any other close minded fashion that is often in accurate and or offensive, and just belittling someone who just happens to have a different opinion (sometimes in a respectful fashion, sometimes aggressive).

I've been through so many fandoms with such arguments over character morality, character treatment, how a character translates into an example of toxic real life people or not, if so and so should be together or single or with that other character. I've had my aggressive days, fewer than others, but I'll admit to my doing. But it's not worth attacking and I'm constantly working towards bring better, expressing my opinions and views freely without arguing and attacking.

But I also I'm beginning to learn to stick to that fandom advice/fact of "you can like things, and not support all the bad; you can be interested in a character and not have to feel guilty or feel you have to defend every part of them. Fandom isn't black and white, and it shouldn't always be a responsibility" (not to say you shouldn't be aware of how things can be offensive or harmful, but not Quit Culture just because you feel guilty).

All this leads me to stating that I'm sitting here, trying to figure my opinions of a character without ignoring all the realities of their good nor their bad, and worrying I'd offend friends by having a positive opinion or negative opinion, and in trying to scan tags I'm Tumblr, certain fandom members are making me feel fucking disgusted.

So, I'm gonna say, I have a complicated opinion of Kylo Ren/Ben Solo from the recent Star Wars trilogy. I'll list it like this, a 1st watch and Reflection phase of each movie.

TFA; 1st Watch,--love the actor, so only minimally biased. But I liked the conflicting factor of who he was, where he came from, where he could go. Reflection-- after a while, the appeal half wore off, and given the hidden/limited backstory to his fall, half the fandom assumed he was influenced and wronged with no choice, or that he was deeply loved and cared for kid that turned his back on so much light for the legacy of a grandfather that he should have known wasn't all that Darkness he was trying to become and so he becomes a killer and leaves his family behind, for bullshit.

TLJ; 1st Watch--clearly struggling and growing in his desires and conflicts, may or may not have done fucked up shit to his fellow students and just continues to be a raging lil whatever, and then we have the Rey connection which, albeit out of his control, seems to come off stalky and invasive and forced. Just, very angry, little change other than expressing he's conflicted and masking it with further rage and aggression. Reflection--basically felt the same afterwards. But from here on out, I hear fro others or notice myself that he seemed to fit the tormented but actually spoiled an whiny, angry nice guy archetype, bordering on tyrant student if not actually so. My opinion was lowered, I didn't try to analyze like I do Loki, for fear I'd get sympathetic for a character who's too morally fucked for it to be okay.

TRoS; 1st Watch--confliction grows, he seems like an angry, lost robot, alone, just trying to regain control in whatever fashion he can, trying to stay on top, find answers. Will admit, what I had wandered and hadn't had evidence to before, that his evil master (thought to be Snoke but really Palpatine) was manipulating him through Anakin/Vader, then Smoke, changes my views w decent amount (as does some novelisation reveals, I think, that state the original trio kept the truth of who Vader was from Ben for years and such a lie, when growing up believing one a valiant Jedi and the other a powerful and mostly evil sith saved at the end of his life was surely confusing (but this is one of those conflicting facts of, Was this always the truth and plan or was it added in for sympathy? Not gonna argue)). Then we have one scene, a battle between 'Good' and 'Evil', he's trying to kill Rey for Palpatine or for himself, can't really say. He is stabbed, deadly wound, saved, and it's like a painful rebirth, he speaks to his father, and sheds Kylo, going to join Rey as Ben and out a stop to it once and for all. For all my conflicted feelings before and still standing by such, seeing that last scene had me hyped and crying, I thought it was all amazing, and he made many good actions to balance against his good. But still not enough, and I'm tired of the Villain Dies to Earn Redemption arc, good or badbor misunderstood, these characters should be able to live, pay for their crimes, and grow from it. But also, deeply against reylo for personal and none personal reasons, I found the kiss sweet and heartbreaking, it was a soft moment that made me feel (I prefer her with Finn, if not the impossible Finn and Poe, but I understand why reylo is shipped). Reflection--basically the same, except I've learned that there was implied neglect, assumption of evil, lying about his family, and an Evil Dark Lord whispering in his ear as probably both Snoke AND fake Vader, and he's still fucked up for all the death, pain, and torment he caused that most of it could have not be necassary. But maybe I'm fucked up for now suddenly wanting to analyze and understand him and for thinking he deserved to live his redemption, not die and earn it.

But whatever. I've decided I'm gonna RP, and analyze. And I keep sifting through Tumblr for feels post or just pics of Ben, not Kylo. And there's a lot of Reylo, I either admire it and move on.

But then there's posts trying to demean other characters in twisted, if not cruel ways. Example 2; Finn kept taking Rey's hand on Jakkuu without her consent, but Kylo always asked, such a gentleman!! = ...Finn grabbed her hand while they were running, it was a protective instinct, not in any way trying to violate her. For one, Kylos reach was a 'please take my hand and assist in making the universe cry while we spread evil' so it's not a healthy comparison, not to mention, Kylo actually violated her, using the force on her body, making her unconcious, kidnapping her, and attempting to torture her and invade her mind. I'm sorry, there's no arguing who has violated her. Example 2; referring to Finn, in just a simple small statement if who deserved her, as FN2187 = Nice, so you just stated you're an aggressive, hateful shipper AND a racist willing to use a black characters literal slave title.

Like, I'm just trying to look for pics or meta that relate to what I'm feeling, but the characters I love more than Ben, and sometimes the actors (Rey, Finn/John, Poe/Oscaar) get attacked or demeaned, or called bullies for doing less than what said fans actually say and do on a daily.

I'm just here for Kylo/Ben, but got people being toxic fucking bullies while defending him or vying for his worthiness and happiness, which makes me disgusted for even considering interest in him.

And it shouldn't. And it won't. But I'll just say this, you people make fandoms like a fucking fire pit. Just here for warmth, maybe to admire the fire, but you don't handle it properly and he burn others in the process, while making others turn around and fear the fire.

So please. Just...chill. Be respectful. Or feel free being the aggressive assholes that making the thing you love into something toxic and unlovable.

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Leaving a toxic relationship . . . toxic engagement.”

It sounds like a title to a movie or a book.

“Yeah, sounds like a rock band, doesn’t it? That was tough; that ended October 1st. It was one of those things where I kept trying to leave, but we were just so attached to each other because we were living together. I worked from home and she owned a yoga center. So, whenever she came home, I was home. We always did everything together. It was nice at first, but then she was very insecure and became very controlling. I say this after checking my ego; it wasn’t me. I was never controlling of her, but I was attached to her. The way that I left was kind of cruel, but I had to. She went to visit her family in Brazil for three weeks. We were on thin ice because she would always argue with me and I’m not an arguing person. I got really tired of it, so I said, ‘Victoria, when you go, I will not give you a single reason to argue with me, so please don’t.’ In my head, I said if she finds a way to argue with me, then I have to leave. On day 2, she got mad at me for some reason, so I packed up my stuff and left while she was in another country. I didn’t see her, and that was about two months ago. I just saw her a couple of days ago because I think we both needed some closure. I just had to do it; I had to do it that way, because I knew that if I waited until she came back, I would fall back into the cycle.”

Tell me how you got into that relationship.

“It was beautiful, like a fairy tale. She was the owner of a yoga center and I always viewed her as a goddess, a queen. She owns the yoga center, she’s beautiful, she’s so knowledgeable, and very kind but, also at the same time, very firm, which I like. I like confidence in people and I always thought that she was out of my league so I never tried. Then I did the yoga teacher training, which is six days a week, so I spent six days a week with her and I got really close with her, me and a couple other people in the class. I mustered up the courage to ask her to spend time with me outside of class, and it went really well. She kept saying that she couldn’t break that student-teacher promise that she had with herself, and I was like, ‘Yes you can, it’s okay.’ She was insecure from the beginning, but I felt that I could fix it, ‘I will be the best man she could ever have.’ I said to myself that I’ll be the best version of myself that I could possibly be; I will fulfill her needs and there will be no reason for her to be insecure; that should have been the first red flag.

“Everything happened so fast. I was also in another toxic friendship with my roommates at the time, a lot of drinking, a lot of irresponsibility; it was like a big party house. I was also being disrespected all the time. My roommates were just mean people. Victoria and I had been together for about two months and I had already been staying with her basically every night because I didn’t want to be at my apartment and she was like, ‘Why don’t we just move in together?’ and I was like that sounds fuckin’ great. So, two months in, we moved in together. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best idea, but we moved in together and that’s when it started to go downhill.”

What was the first sign that it was going downhill?

“I could never make her happy. At first I could, but then it was can you help me with this, can you do that, and I love helping people that I love. She asked me to help with things for her business, multiple things a day (her responsibilities for her business); instead of receiving a thank you, a hug, or a kiss, it was another demand. When I put my foot down and said, ‘I’m sorry I can’t help you with this,’ that was our first big argument. I said I have my own life and my own responsibilities, and I can’t spend all my time taking care of yours. I told her I would help her when I could, but I couldn’t do multiple things a day to help her business. That was the first sign, really.”

Did that feel uncomfortable for you creating that boundary, living in her space (I’m assuming you moved in with her)?

“Yeah. I was always very respectful and mindful of how I lived with her in the beginning and in the middle too but, towards the end, we resented each other, so it was different. I always made sure the toilet was clean, the bath was clean, and the dishes were done. I respected the fact that she let me stay with her there very, very much. We were in that spot for about two months and she wanted to move. I told her that it didn’t make sense to move out, as it was a nice place and we were both really busy (she was opening a new yoga center). I told her that it wasn’t a good idea to open a new yoga center and move in the same month. She was really adamant about it and went and signed a lease without me knowing about it and told me ‘we’re moving’ and I was like ‘what?’ So, this is where the control started to come in . . . I forget what the question was.”

I was just curious if it was difficult for you to define that boundary with her, knowing that you were in her space, essentially sharing.

“Yes, it was. I was grateful that she allowed me to move into her space and I wanted to help her as much as I could so, of course, it was uncomfortable for me to say no to something she asked me to do. However, it was every day, multiple things, and it started to affect my business and my own well-being. It was hard to put that first boundary down and there was a lot of resistance from her to that boundary; that made it even more difficult.”

Was there ever a time where you felt that she would just toss you out?

“No. We were very attached to each other. She never wanted me to leave the apartment, ever. She always wanted me there. I alienated myself from my friends and family because, if and when she came home and I wasn’t there, it was a big problem, which was cute at first, but it got old fast. I like spending time with somebody I’m with, but she really wanted all of my time. I appreciate how much she loved me but, at the same time, I had other people I wanted to spend time with. However, she took that as I didn’t want to spend any time with her.”

Do you feel there was emotional abuse in the relationship?

“Yes. She was what is called love showering. She would upset me somehow or we would get into an argument and, once she realized that she was in the wrong, she would give me gifts, cook for me, cuddle with me, and spend the whole night doing whatever I would like, and that was definitely emotional abuse. Also, the biggest thing she would say to me was ‘you don’t love me, you hate me, and you’re cheating on me.’ Those are three big emotional abuse tactics, I guess you could say, and then it would inevitably lead to an argument. ‘Yes, I love you,’ ‘no you don’t.’ Of course I love you very much; no you don’t, you did this, this, and that, and then it would move forward. Or, you hate me and I would say, I don’t like the word hate, so don’t say the word hate; well, you hate me or you’re cheating on me, fucking other girls; I spend all of my time here, how could I be cheating on you. I don’t think she really knew what she was doing; I think she was so wildly insecure that that’s all she really knew. That was definitely emotional abuse.”

How did that feel to have her confine your life in such a way that you felt you were isolated?

“I began to resent her very quickly. I began to plot ways of leaving her after we had been together for eight months, but I had such a high image of her in my head for years of being suited, and thought that this must be a phase, there must be something wrong here. What was the question again? I’m sorry, this gets me emotional.”

I was just curious how that felt to be put in a box.

“My parents told me I was like a trophy to hold, dust off, and then go back to work. As a result of that, I would do really irresponsible things to lash out. I’m very energetic, so my energy would be kept in and I would do something crazy. We would have a big blowout argument and then I would go and do a bunch of drugs for a night, or go out and get drunk for a whole night, or do something stupid.”

Had you had an experience like this before in a previous relationship?

“No, never. I’ve only had one serious relationship and one kind of serious relationship, but I’ve never experienced this before. It was very weird. I’m still kind of learning what love is, but I know that wasn’t it.”

At what point did you and she become engaged? When did that happen?

“I will say a lot of tension on the relationship was due to the fact that I would have to leave for three or four weeks at a time. I understood and told her that this is the way it is, and if you can’t handle it, I respect and understand if you want to end the relationship. Somebody very close to me needed help, so I had to go and help him, and she didn’t understand that. I’m sorry, what’s the question again?”

The engagement?

“Honestly, I thought I was losing her, so I did it as a Hail Mary. I flew down to Miami during our one-year anniversary and I proposed to her where we had our first kiss, because I felt the relationship dying, but I was so attached to her. I thought that it was a good idea, and it really wasn’t, and then she held that over my head; ‘propose to me again, I didn’t like the first proposal. I didn’t like it, it wasn’t good enough for me.’ I look back and laugh at it; I laughed at it in the moment too, but only of its absurdity. It’s so stupid; I should have left long ago.”

Why didn’t you? What do you think kept you there?

“The lifestyle. I was very attached to her. I was very attached to Miami. I was very attached to Synergy, the yoga center, and she was kind of my ticket to all of that. I stayed for so long because I thought I could make it work somehow, and that was that.”

You mentioned that she was away, you gave her an opportunity to kind of not initiate a fight with you, like this is it, if you initiate a fight . . .

“I didn’t tell her that I was going to leave, though. All I said was, ‘I beg you, please don’t give me a reason to argue with you or for you to argue with me.’ I didn’t tell her I was going to leave if she did and said to her, ‘I promise I will not give you any reason.’ It was something stupid—I called her late at night, because I forgot about the time difference; it woke up her mom, and she got mad at me for that. I’m like, ‘Let it go, please let it go’; I really didn’t want to leave, I really didn’t want to leave, I really didn’t. I wanted to stay and make it work.”

It’s like you had already decided in your mind that one more straw on the camel’s back is going to break it.

“Right. Another thing was she drove me to a point once where I broke a glass frame, held the glass to my wrist, and then tried leaving her for the first time. She copied that behavior where she broke a wine glass, held it to her wrist, and said that she was going to kill herself. That’s why I left when she wasn’t there; I didn’t want to risk that again or at least be there if she was to do that again. I know that sounds terrible, but I got to the point where I had to look out for myself. It really changed who I was. I view myself as a very bright ball of sun. When you try to put a box on that ball of sun, it bursts forth, eventually it cracks and a beam shoots out. For me, instead of positivity, I would do something fuckin’ crazy; it would drive me to do some crazy shit. The whole glass thing was definitely so out of character for me. I love myself. I would never kill or hurt myself, I never have, and never thought of doing it. It was weird.”

Did it work in getting your message across to her?

“No. She was afraid of me for a couple of days, understandably so. I had something in my head—I had the glass frame, shattered, and I was like, ‘Fuck, I have to clean this up.’ I was so emotionally charged up at the moment, my hand was shaking visibly, and I was having completely irrational emotional thoughts. I was thinking ‘well, she fuckin’ hates me, she must want me to fuckin’ die or kill myself, and I can’t live without her.’ So, that makes sense, it was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. I found the biggest piece of glass I could find and held it to her face; it was stupid, it was very dumb. Then she did the same thing to me; she copied that behavior when I tried to leave her. When she did that, I slowly made my way to her and then, when I got close enough, I grabbed her wrist and pulled it away. Then we spent the night together so I could make sure that she wouldn’t leave; I stayed up most of the night. I don’t think she meant it. I think she was copying what I did and she didn’t know what she was doing. There was a lot of stress on us because we both had businesses, and both of them were suffering. Combine that with a broken relationship, we were both sane doing insane things, very out of character. It feels good to talk about this; thank you.”

You’re welcome. You were at a place in your life where you were doing some really irrational things and you were probably able to recognize in that moment that they felt out of character. Did it inspire you to do anything, to change anything?

“I would just feel more anger towards her, but now I realize it was anger towards myself for allowing it to happen and allowing myself to stay there for so long. It didn’t really inspire me to do anything because I felt so enraged all the time and couldn’t think clearly. It was so weird because when I was in the apartment, it was hell and when I left the apartment, it was heaven. It was South Beach; I could go skateboarding, go to the beach and go swimming. So, it was really weird. I’m very lucky because I have great parents and they really love me. When I finally mustered up the courage to tell my parents what was really going on, that’s when I said ‘I need to live’. My dad told me that if she hurts herself when you’re there, you’re going to jail, and I was like, fuck, you’re right. My parents really inspired me to leave; my friends, too.

“Previously in my life, in order to make a big decision, I needed to have validation from multiple people. I would get it from my parents and my friends (many of them), and they all said, ‘yes, this is right, leave her.’ Now, I’m working on not needing validation to do things. I’m coming along okay. Back then, I really needed validation, especially with her; my only validation came from her for a long time. It was like, ‘hey, is this a good idea? no,’ then I wouldn’t do it, and most of my ideas were bad anyway. If it didn’t involve her or helping her somehow, it was always a bad idea. My physical self deteriorated; I let my beard get all big (beards look good, but not on me). My hair grew long and my physique shriveled to nothing. I was living in Miami, but I was very pale. I wasn’t flossing and wasn’t regularly showering. I was just a shell of myself. It was weird. To think that was only three to four months ago, it really shows me the power of how long a month really is; a month is a long time. It’s been four months since I left.”

Looking back on the state you were in, would you recognize that as being depressed, suffering from anxiety, abusive relationship . . . how do you see that on looking back at it?

“I don’t know yet. Because it was such high emotional highs and such low emotional lows, I don’t know what the word to describe that is. She meant a lot to me; she showed me a lot; she showed me yoga; she showed me traveling. We went to Peru together. We went to Costa Rica together. I will say that we did a lot for each other. I did a lot for her and she did a lot for me, and that’s really nice and I’m very grateful for that; but we also did the opposite to each other. We did really good things to each other and we did really bad things to each other. So, I don’t think it was depression. I don’t think it was anxiety. The right words were confusion and anger. I don’t know what mental state that is, but confusion and anger combined with a lot of love randomly.”

You finally work up the courage to leave her, but it sounds like you don’t feel good about the way you left.

“No. It was my only option. Looking back on it, I got validation. Here’s the situation and they were like ‘this is the only chance you’re going to have to do it like this.’ Also, to move out of someone’s place it’s not like a two-hour thing, it takes a couple of days. I actually did move out of her place once, and I did the same thing. She went to work and I just packed up all my shit and left, but then I moved back a week later because I missed her so much, and that’s why I knew I had to leave Florida because I moved down the street the first time. If I had moved back to Connecticut at that time, I would not have moved back. That’s why I knew I had to leave the way I did. I wouldn’t say I regret it and I won’t say I like it, but it was the right thing to do for both of us, because now she’s happy with somebody else, and that’s great. I’m happier, much happier, grown so much, and learned a lot about myself. I’m really glad I got closure the other day, because we laid down together and it just didn’t feel right. I went there, she started crying and we laid down on the couch. I just felt bland; I didn’t feel love; I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel anything. I think she felt the same way, so it was good to get the closure. As I told you before, even after I broke up with her, she would argue with me every day, calling me and texting me terrible things, so I blocked her on everything—Facebook, Instagram, text messaging, and Whatsapp; everything except for email because I don’t know how to block email. Once I did that, I think she got the message. I had blocked her for a good two months, maybe about six weeks, and I unblocked her, told her that I was in Miami and I wanted to see her; it was good.”

Tell me about those weeks, or months, that you leave her and come back to Connecticut. What does that look like?

“I got to the airport early so I could get really drunk. I almost got sick on my flight because I was drinking so much. I landed with a hangover because I fell asleep and then I went out to go drink again. That whole month was just a blur of alcohol and Adderall, if I could get my hands on it; it’s tough to find. I did it for work so I didn’t feel anything. The first month was bad. I was a regular at a bar; I wasn’t myself. I’m a yoga instructor. I’m a light in people’s life. I can’t be in a dark bar, eating this poison, eating this terrible food all the time.

“I got really plastered one night, woke up with a terrible handover, and said ‘I need to stop this.’ Nobody told me to stop what I was doing because I was pretty good at hiding it. I just knew that I had my fifteenth chance (I’ve been given a lot of chances in my life) to really get myself together and make my own life. I’ve always had roommates and then I was living with her. This was a chance for me to really build myself and do what I want to do, not what other people want me to do. So, it was just like a snap; I’m done. I stopped drinking and then I quit caffeine. Together, that was really hard. Mainly because the alcohol was something to do. I had all of these emotions going through my head, and it got me out of my house. It got me kind of social. Alcohol has a numbing effect so I wouldn’t feel the emotional pain. Then I would reward myself with greasy, terrible food, it was vegan, but it was French fries and whatnot, and it wasn’t good. I just needed to stop and start cooking for myself again because my skin was breaking out all the time. I was pale, had long hair, and a big beard. I didn’t look good and I didn’t feel good.

“I started taking care of myself. I slipped a couple of times. I went out, had a drink or two, and got a little bit drunk. Overall, I massively improved, massively, although the first month was really tough. I think I had sex with somebody, or a couple of people, I’m not sure. I think I just called up an old booty call, just to get it out of my system. Oh, yeah, I remember how it went: I actually drove to Misquamicut and it was unconnected, no meaning, just getting it off for old time’s sake. The connection we had wasn’t there anymore, so it was even more depressing.

“I started taking care of myself for a month steady. Somebody really nice came along, it was an old friend; but then she was emotionally unavailable and that didn’t work out. That was a huge test for me because I was doing so good with not drinking, no caffeine and no sugar; I felt that pull to go to the bar. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, just fuckin’ go, just fuckin’ go; you’ve been so good for so long, just go and get drunk, and I said no, I’m going to do something more crazy; I’m not going to have sex for three months, and I put it on line and not release, and that made it tough. I think social media can be great or it can be terrible, and I try to make it great. Holding yourself socially accountable to something really helps me. So, I put it on line that I’m not having sex for three months or I’m not doing this for a while, and I say to myself, if somebody sees me in a bar, then they know I’m a liar and they’re not going to listen to any of the good things that I say. Instead of going out to bars, I go to another extreme. Now, I just keep doing extremely positive things, which is good. It’s good for me and for others. As a result of this, I read more books, I write a lot more, and I write music now, which is cool. I had never written music before. I’ve played guitar for about ten years, but I had never written a song until that girl went back to her ex-boyfriend.

“Everything’s much, much better now. It was really hard because it was like two break-ups. Even though I wasn’t with the second girl long, there was a really strong emotional connection and we had been friends for eight years. To finally make that work, it was so random, she was spending every day with me, we were having a great time together, and then all of a sudden she said I can’t see you anymore after three weeks of that; so it was like two breakups; but I also jumped in too quickly after the last relationship.”

Looking back on those relationships, it seems like there were some similar behaviors. You had said the last girl you mentioned was emotionally unavailable, and we had chatted earlier and you recognized that also exists within you, that you’re emotionally unavailable, and perhaps that’s a mirror.

“Yes, I see that. Another good thing is that I’ve eliminated anger with her; I let that go. Instead of being angry with that girl, I never was angry with her. You seek your own level, if that makes sense. Whatever you put out, you get back; it’s the law of attraction. These things that she is experiencing, I am. She was emotionally unavailable, and so was I. Another girl I dated four weeks after that, same thing, she was emotionally unavailable, and I’m still trying to figure it out. I always hung out with them and I was always very present when I spent time with them. I was very passionate about Missy and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I was like ‘I like you and let’s spend more time together.’ I don’t know how that’s emotionally unavailable, but there’s probably a part of me that is, but I just don’t recognize it yet. I know that it’s in me because I wouldn’t attract these kinds of people if it wasn’t. Like you were saying before, a big thing for me is understanding that people are near, and I knew that when I was with Victoria, so that made me more angry because I thought why can’t I fix myself and why am I putting her through me, if that makes sense?”

Where are you finding yourself now at this point in your life?

“I’m on the biggest upward spiral that I’ve ever experienced in my life in terms of business, physical self, educating myself, self-care, self-love, the friendships I have, and how I spend my time. Every aspect of my life is doing so good, and I’m so tempted to fuck it up. I’m so tempted to, I don’t know, reward myself and go out and get really drunk, but I know myself, I know that if I do that, it’s going to reverse the upward spiral. It’s just the little villain within myself that’s had control over a lot of my life. I don’t want to say that I have control over it, but I’m eliminating it. I don’t want to control anything, I just want to get rid of things, and I’m trying to get rid of those attachments I’ve had towards self-destruction.

“I’m great now. The last person I dated, the whole thing that happened—I wasn’t upset about it; I was just like ‘okay, whatever.’ Mainly because it’s probably unhealthy in a sense. I’m so busy that I’m putting my energy into my business. I like it because I put energy and time into my business and I get a really good return, whereas I would put energy and love into somebody else and I usually wouldn’t get anything in return, so it’s kind of nice. But I have to watch myself to make sure I don’t shut out people and emotional connections entirely. I’m open to it, but I’m not searching for it. I wasn’t searching for Victoria when I first started dating her. I said to myself I’m in Miami, I’m not going to have a fuckin’ girlfriend in Miami; it’s the worst place to have a girlfriend.

“Now, I’m doing really well and in looking back on it, I should have left about eight months in. I think I was using . . . I definitely was using when I first started dating her. I was using a bunch of amphetamines because my other business was doing really well and I was up for days at a time, and I hid it from her. When things were getting more serious and I left that party household, I stopped using, but then my business started suffering and I thought it was because I wasn’t using. So I started using again, and then I used more because of me and what was happening with her. It was like this: I would use, then I wouldn’t use, then I would use when I was with her. The worse it got and I couldn’t get my hands on the drugs that wanted, I turned to cocaine. I remember once I did it for two weeks, every day in a row, to work, because my brain was telling me that in order to make money, I need to do drugs. Because I was doing so much drugs, I needed to make a lot of money. For two weeks, I was doing a bunch of blow. I would have headaches, I’d always be sniffling, and I would blow out scabs in my nose. My parents asked me what was wrong, am I okay? That’s when I knew that I needed to slow down. I got to the point where I stopped seeking, but if it presented itself to me, I wouldn’t say no. And then sometimes I would seek if I was really overwhelmed, and now I’m still at that phase where if it’s presented to me, I’ll probably do it, but not nearly as bad as it was and I don’t seek anymore, which is good. I’m really learning to value and appreciate myself and know that I don’t need those things to do great things; they actually hinder me from doing great things.”

That’s a really important observation to make.

“Thanks. It’s weird because when I was making a lot of money, I was using, and everybody I knew who was making more money than I was also using. So, it made sense, staying up for three days at time, watching your ads and testing products. If they’re doing it, I want to do it. Then it stopped working for everybody, but everybody kept using, and then I just stopped hanging out with those people, and that helped.”

Who do you find yourself hanging out with now? Do you have a core group of friends?

“Myself and my little sister a lot; she’s the coolest. She’s fourteen and she’s like my best friend. Honestly, I really spend a lot time by myself.”

What’s that feel like?

“Good. It feels good. I feel lonely sometimes, but then I jump into a cold pool and I’m fine. Cold stuff really helped me out a lot, man. It really helped me. It’s like a huge shock. Getting into that water and staying still, meditating in it. It takes so much will power and focus; when I get out, it washes away my anxiety and negativity. I also feel like I need to find a better business/life balance. This has happened to me before where if I’m not working, I get anxious. I don’t get anxious at the gym because I know that I need to go to the gym, but when I’m spending time doing something else and not working (like when I’m at the gym), I get anxious about not working. So, I need to hire somebody basically or something like that.

“Being alone is good, especially after being with somebody who wouldn’t leave me alone for so long. Going back to how I value myself: I really appreciate who I am and I don’t want to be around people who will bring me down. I want to uplift people. I view it like this—there are people who are influenced by other people when they walk into a room and there are people who influence other people when they walk into a room. I am making that shift right now, from being influenced to becoming an influencer. I’m finding it takes a lot of alone time to find myself, to shed a lot of karma and bad habits, and become really comfortable with who I am. That’s why I’m alone right now, and it’s not a bad thing. I’m very busy, and it’s good. Everything is growing so much; I don’t want to ruin it.”

It sounds like you’re growing as well.

“Yeah, thanks. Previously in my life, when I walked into a room, I made it happy and stuff; but, more often than not, I’d be influenced by the energy of the people around me, but I want to change that. I think about an enlightened master; you just sit around and listen. I want people to listen to what I have to say, but I want to make sure that what I’m saying is not coming from the ego. I want to make sure that what I’m saying is beneficial to them, if that makes sense. I’m alone a lot, reading and listening to a lot of masters on YouTube or whatever, educating myself, especially about veganism too; I’m learning more about that.”

If you could catch yourself at another point in your life, maybe before some of these things happened, perhaps even when you were a teenager, knowing what you know now, what message or wisdom would you impart to your younger self?

“Never pick up drugs, never. I was so against drugs my whole life. I had a retainer, after I had my braces that literally said ‘no drugs’ on it. I was soooo against drugs. When I started raving, I was known as a sober raver. I would never take ecstasy or Adderall, nothing. I would just go there and be so high off the energy and the music that I was fine. And then, it was a harmless mistake—I was really tired one night, driving, and my friend had a Vyvanse prescription and he said, ‘Here, take one of these and you’ll stay awake.’ It’s chasing the dragon, I think they call it in China, the opium. It’s been like that ever since. I got that really wicked, fuckin’ awesome high and I was so productive, happy, and talkative when I took my first amphetamine. Like anyone else, I would just take it when I would go to a party and then I would take it when I was tired and needed to work, then I would take it for days at a time. I’d stop for a week, then pick it up again, and then it got to a point where I would use it, at my worst was a three- or four-month period where I would use every day and I would be up for three or four days at a time and then crash for a day and a half. Then, I would wake up and the first thing I would do is take a 30mg instant release Adderall. It was right next to my bed. I would roll over and take it, lay in bed for ten minutes, let it hit, get up and go, and I’d be up for days. I guess if there was one point that I could stop myself, it would be to say no to that one Vyvanse pill, because that’s what really kicked it all off. That’s how all drugs are, really; it’s scary.

“I have a very addictive personality, although I have more control over it now. If I really like something or someone, I spend a lot of my time doing that thing or spending time with that person. I have control over that now, thank God; but, back then, I didn’t, especially when it came to using. I wanted to feel good all the time. It was many things—using with my friends, so that was good, the high felt good, I was making money at the same time, and I was living in a penthouse in Miami Beach. There were all of these really good feelings that I was attached to that got me hooked and, once everything left, I still wanted to use.”

Is it fair to say that Victoria was a drug for you, in a sense?

“Yeah. The emotional highs and lows—that’s a drug for me. When it’s high, it’s great, I thought it could always be like this. When it’s low, I was like ‘fuck it, I don’t want to be here,’ and then something would happen. It was so weird; we would be so mad at each other and then something stupid would happen and we would laugh, kiss and make up, even after a long argument with yelling and screaming. She was definitely a drug for sure. When she was happy, she was the best; she was so cool. She had a really thick accent, it was so cute; I loved it. When we were happy, we were really happy. She is so smart and everything. I was ready to have kids with her at one point. Thank God I didn’t. She was definitely a drug.”

Looking ahead on your life from here, what do you see for yourself? What’s on your map?

“Short term, I want to grow my business to a multimillion-dollar company annually, which I think I can do this year; I know I can do this year. As a result of that, I want to take care of my parents and move somewhere different. I want to have a really good work environment for my employees. I’ll be remote, but want to make sure they have good pay. I want to travel and see the world. Honestly, within five years, I want to have a couple million dollars in the bank and go off the grid. I want to get some land in South America, grow my own food, have an animal sanctuary, and detach from everything, including Wi-Fi, study yoga and meditation, learn, and have a big library. I’m talking in the mountains, away from everything, and be the way Mother Nature intended us to be and learn from the greatest teacher, which is nature. So, that’s probably in about five years; but before I do that, I want to have money in the bank, just in case. I would like to do that right now, but I would just come crawling back in a couple of months I know, so I want to make sure I’m financially secure before I do that. So that’s it: grow my business, move to the jungle, take care of my family, and maybe find love along the way. I’m not bent on getting into a relationship whatsoever, although I do miss intimacy, but that’s pretty much it.

“Do you know what the Bhagavad Gita is? It’s a well-known Hindu text between Krishna and Pandava prince Arjuna as they are about to go into war. There are a lot of metaphors, and basically one of the metaphors is that the chariot has five horses, which are the five senses. Krishna controls the horses, so he controls his five senses. I understand that touch is a sense, and I’m craving the sense of touch with somebody, but I need to control that and get that under control. So, it’s another test for me right now.”

Through these experiences over the last few years, what have you learned about yourself, anything that stands out?

“I learned that I have an addictive personality. I learned that I let things go for way too long. I learned that I need to be more responsible. All of these things I’m already working on. I’ve made such progress, but I also learned that it’s okay to stop spending time with certain people and people do change, and it’s okay to stop talking to them once they do change, and to move forward in your life. About myself . . . I think that’s pretty much it; I can’t think of anything else right now.”

Okay.

“More self-control and more standing up for myself, in a polite way. Like I said, I let things go for way too long. I lived with Gilla for too long, and she was emotionally abusing me for way too long. The same thing with Victoria. I have to learn to recognize those signs early on and to leave.”

Do you have a favorite mantra, quote, song lyric, or something that someone said to you that resonates with you?

“One that sticks out to me is a John Mayer lyric that says, I think I told you before, ‘fear is a friend that’s misunderstood.’ I was afraid to leave Victoria, I was afraid to leave Gilla, and I was afraid to leave Miami. As soon as I did, it was the best thing I ever did. A lot of really enlightened, smart people say that fear is their best friend, and that really helped me. I was afraid to stop using. I was making money because I was using, and I was afraid to stop using. I was afraid of a lot of things.

“Another mantra that sticks with me is a new mantra, Om Namah Shivaya. It’s a chant to Shiva, who is the God of destruction and change and a couple of other things, but change is the only constant. When I chant that mantra (it utilizes binaural beats), I chant it 108 times. It really helps me channel energy to accept and embrace change. Since I left Florida, there has been massive change. I’m single, I’m not living in the same space, and I’m improving myself. It’s a constant, constant change.

“Those are the two things that stick with me—accept fear and embrace change.”

I think fear is something we spend a lot of our lives trying to run away from.

“Yes, and we should be running towards it. The greatest things in life are found on the opposite side of fear. Someone else told me that.”

How did it feel to talk about these experiences and feelings with me today?

“Really good, because I feel guilty talking to people about it because I don’t want to waste their time. But if I’m going to help other people, I don’t feel guilty talking about it. Thank you very much for listening to me.”

You’re welcome. Do you think it’s possible that by sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences today like this, someone on the receiving end could potentially benefit from some hope or inspiration?

“Yes. I think so, because I heard something similar when I was with Victoria, and it was a seed. I didn’t take immediate action on it, but it definitely grew over time. So, I think that somebody listening could definitely benefit. It could be that seed for them; it could be that breaking point.”

[dickwielder]

Alright. Here's My Take On Season Eight.

Allurance is canon. That's great. Lance is finally with the girl he's always wanted to be with. I wouldn't have it any other way. They're both going to war after their first date and he doesn't know if they'll make it out alive. So he tells her that he loves her. Honestly thats not surprising since his feelings have been kept at bay all the way from season one. He loves her and he wants her to know that because they're going to fight a war after this and if one of them were to die, he wouldn't want to have any regrets. He tells her he loves her because he has kept his feelings bottled up and unrequited and he's got the chance to let them out so you bet your great grandfather's smoking pipe he'll do it. Let the guy express himself. Let Allura finally appreciate, acknowledge, and return his feelings for her.

Allura proceeds to die. Honestly, I'm surprised a lot of you didn't see that coming. Honerva destroyed hundreds of realities. Allura wanted to reverse that. She wanted her reality to survive but she also wanted all the other ones to survive as well. By giving her life up, she saved BILLIONS of lives. Now tell me, is it racist for a POC to die for the universe? It's only racist when you associate her death with her race. The fact that she was POC and died for the universe says so much. She was strong. She was a fighter. She was an absolute warrior. And she died for what she believed in. That's what made her the real hero this season. And you know what? There's no one else that could've done it. Allura was the only one.

Klance didn't become canon. Honestly? That's okay. It's totally fine. Keith and Lance are fighting a war. They have no time for this. Lance was absolutely head over heels for Allura and so he took his shot before the launch. It wouldn't have made sense for him to be all over Keith when it was pretty obvious that his feelings for Allura was still pretty strong. Keith on the other hand... in the Clear Day episode, it's clear he's not on this mission for a good time. He wants to save the universe and make it peaceful. "THEN EXPLAIN THE SUNSET SCENE!!1!1!" Lance was feeling insecure so he sought out his leader. His leader would be the best person to give him the talk. And he was.

"Shiro got married to someone we barely knew!!!" Okay. I didn't know you were obliged to know every single detail about Takashi Shirogane's life. Shiro fell in love off screen and proclaimed it on screen. They probably have a really good love story behind them. Shiro is happy. Just look at him nice and proper during that final scene. It satisfies me knowing that after all that Shiro has been through, every battle, every war, every obstacle, he's finally settled down and decided to live a peaceful life with someone he loves. And they get married. They even share a great kiss on screen, even if it was for like three seconds. Wow. Say what you will, but that will always be better than arguing in their apartment, resulting in one of them leaving the other.

Lance became a farmer. And it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with what the producers think of him. You'd know that if you observed him from the beginning. Lance is a family guy. He loves his family more than life itself. He missed them loads when he was out in space. But he fought for them. And now that he's done fighting, he wants to do something that makes him feel closest to his family - manage the family farm. Honestly, being in the garrison as a general or whatever would not have suited him. He's a family guy.

This season did have one big flaw that I am disappointed in, though. Hunk didn't have an arc. And that disappoints me so much because he's such an important paladin. He's the Tank, the chef, the goof. He cheers everyone up and is just a ray of sunshine and he didn't get an arc. He deserved a whole episode for himself.

But that doesn't mean the entire show was crap. This show may have had its flaws, but what show doesn't? Stop watching this show and seeing what it lacks, and watch it for what it has - POC representation, LGBT+ representation, minimum racial and gender stereotypes, morals.

Spreading your hate and toxicity around this fandom is what makes the show sound horrible. I loved season 8 and as soon as I opened tumblr, I saw so much hate. And for pathetic reasons too. Stop the hate. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[imfreefallinall]

Dear Friends (Fake Friends part 2)

2,2k of angst, sad but strong reader. (A lot of) swearing but also a lot of empowering words.

I know this isn’t really an imagine related to Shawn but I wanted to give Fake Friends a fair sequel- and end- because I feel like it is an important topic. Everyone feels lonely sometimes but we react in different ways. I hope that this writing can help you to see a lighten future where you leave back all the toxic people in your life.

Please know that feedback (as reblogs, likes, grammar suggestions and messages) are super appreciated. If you want to slide into my dms to talk about everything, I’m B and I’m here to help.

Also, I recommend you to listen to “Real Friends” by Camila Cabello. I really like it and it suits the imagine.

Love ya, enjoy.

B

part 1

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(two days after Y/N’s birthday)

They were right when they said we wouldn’t stop partying for a second. In fact, we didn’t. We went to Milan and Verona, where Shawn and I shared a sweet kiss under Juliet’s balcony while he was humming “Love Story” by Taylor. One night we went to a local club and came home at six, after eating hot croissants for breakfast.

So today, the last day of my crazy long-weekend birthday celebration, we voted for staying here and visiting the little city I grew up in. We are strolling around, looking at the shop windows (not really interested in buying anything) when I see one of my old classmates with a baby in a stroller. I feel my lungs contract, gasping for air for a few seconds; probably even my heart misses a few beats. Then I feel all the anger, humiliation and sadness I repressed for years coming back to surface. My heart then starts so race quickly, palms getting a little sweaty while they close into tightened fists. I take a deep breath, trying to come back down to Earth. I’m not like that, like them. I am smart and I’m going to behave accordingly.

“Guys, give me a minute” I say smiling a little and starting to go toward her but a big hand gently wraps around my arm.

“That’s Sophia, right? You sure you want to go?” asks Shawn, looking into my eyes to let me know he really was concerned.

“Yeah, I wanna fix this. Sooner or later I’ll have to..go on with my life. I guess sooner is now and I really need to understand why they acted like that” I reply giving him a soft peck on the lips to thank him

“Why don’t you guys go sit in that little bar? I assure you it is super comfy and we’ll have a super tea break with a lot of cookies and stuff” I add, looking at them, waiting for a confirmation. They all nod in response and start to make they way to the tempting showcase full of Italian desserts.

“I’ll go with them but please call me if you need anything,” asks a worried Shawn and I laugh

“Babe she’s not a monster, she’s just a girl”

“A girl who made you suffer for years without any apparent reason. I’ll be your knight in shining armour and I’ll save my mistress” he smiles proudly, making me burst into laughter.

“Gosh, you’re so stupid. You can save your mistress from eating too much sugars later, now go”

“Yup. Just remember that I love you and you’re amazing and everything we talked about, okay?” he pecks me on the cheek and follows the other dudes.

As soon as he’s past the door I move closer to the girl, smiling a little.

“Ehi, Sophia!”

“Ehi Y/N, haven’t seen you in a while! How are you doing?” she asks, hugging me for a few seconds before distancing herself to look at me “You look amazing! look at that body of yours” she smiles again.

“I’m good thanks and you?” I reply kindly “is he yours?” I add, looking at the sleeping baby.

“My brother’s newborn, Luca. He’s cute, isn’t he? I’m fine anyway. Actually, I am engaged!” she exclaims excitedly.

“Really? Wow! It’s amazing, congratulations” I hope I sounded happier than I actually am.

“And I see you’re with Shawn! I still remember when we were talking about him back in 2018, loving his music and his naked torso also” she winks but I don’t actually share a bright smile with her since she’s talking about my amazing boyfriend and not about an object.

“How did you end up together?” what a nice way to ask how we met.

“We met in a library in London. I was there to buy a book and he needed to hide for a few minutes since too many fans were following him. And, yeah, we just started to talk.  Guess he found something special in me” I smile at the memory of that cloudy and ordinary-not-so-ordinary afternoon.

“Yeah, my fiancée is so special. You would have met him, Giorgio, if you came at the dinner. Why didn’t you come again?” she questions as she already didn’t know the answer.

“I wasn’t invited but I’m sure you knew it since you were one of the organisers” I answer directly. Her eyes go a little wider and I could even trust her surprise if I didn’t know she was such an actress.

“Oh, I am so sorry! I thought you were in the Facebook group chat, we sent the invitation there. I’ve lost your number so I assumed Marti would text you or call you” she sounds so fake.

“So there’s even a group chat? Listen, honestly I don’t wanna argue with you but why do you have to be such a bitch?” I wonder, sounding strangely self-conscious.

“Sorry?” she looks at me surprised.

“You heard me. Why do you have to cut me off like that? Why did you even need to cut me off back then?” I continue, now waiting for her to answer.

“I don’t know what are you talking about, we were friends. Yes we didn’t invite you but it was a mistake” she tries to explain but I can see the cruelty patiently waiting behind her big, brown eyes.

“Listen, none of us here is an idiot. Friends do not act like you all acted back in high school. Friends are meant to support each other when one of them falls but even when they succeed. You had never supported me, on none of these occasions. Friends are supposed to be kind to each other, caring and present in every moment, not just when they need something from you. How many times I drove forty minutes on dangerous streets just to come and give you help? And how many times did you do the same for me? Let me tell you, not once. Friends should push you over your limits, make you better; but you always told me I was exaggerating when I was just growing and you continued to declare that I was being bossy while I was just trying to help you through projects and homework because you sucked, mostly because you chatted during class, however, I didn’t want you to fail. Friends talk to each other whenever they do something wrong because they care and they don’t wanna lose their friendship. They don’t smile at your face and then go talk shit behind your back, making you feel bad because of course I found out, every time, what you were saying about me, how you were telling everyone to stay away from me because I always wanted to rule. Friends don’t come around only when they need your help, only when they realize you’re good to them; friends stay by your fucking side, even if you’re being bitchy or bossy or whatever because they know you and they know that if you act like that its because you’re suffering. Friends do not go around, spilling someone else’s secret. I confided to you all of my deepest fears and brightest dreams and you mocked me. I revealed to you all the problems my family was going through and you had the strength to tell me I was just blowing everything out of proportion because I wanted to be pitied. I wanted a sister, a partner in crime, not someone looking at me like I was an oily stain on their favourite sweatshirt. For two years you all came to my birthday parties without a small, insignificant present! I would have loved even a stupid t-shirt. Did you remember how much money we spent every year to buy you expensive presents? And I have never received one! You were so...selfish. How come that this year you sent me a letter to London to wish me a happy birthday? Maybe because now that I’m with Shawn I could be useful?

I have been a friend to you, to all of you. I was always ready to wipe your tears with my fingers while I was still trying to get mine to dry. I let you copy my homework whenever you couldn’t make yours and you wouldn’t even share your snacks with me. To you, I was good only when you realized that no one could give advice like me or that no one would drive in the rain with hot Mc Donald to cheer you the fuck up. And, for sure, friends don’t want to catch up when you happen to have a famous boyfriend they want to impress. So yeah, I guess we weren’t friends and we surely aren’t now.”

“I didn’t know you felt like this, you never told us”

“You never asked! I always shared my happy moments with you. All of those summer nights, when I was on vacation and fell in love with different boys and made such cool experiences and memories you wished you made because you only saw them in movies. You told me I was a bitch because every summer I kissed a different guy while I was just experiencing life, I was being normal. And when I got stuck with one guy in particular you told me I pissed you off because I could only talk about him. You even had the courage to say that I was out of control when I described all those summer nights when I went to that small lounge bar by the seaside and danced the life out of me. You even indicate my parents as crazy because they would let me stay out with my friends to see the sunset and to have breakfast together! For two long years, I stopped having fun with my other friends because I had your voices on replay on my mind, telling me how to behave. You ruined me and it took me so long to get back on my feet, you know?”

“We never told you what to do, we were just being honest” she declares, almost looking offended.

“Yes, you did. You made me feel wrong for a very long time. My light shut down because of you. Fuck, I even gave up on singing because every time I was humming you told me to shut up because I was out of tone” I finish, suddenly feeling exhausted. I have just blurted out all of the scars and pain I had in my body. Now it is a weight she has to share too.

“Well, you don’t seem pretty sad now, do you? You have your beloved Shawn so I guess you’re still a bitch and you’re treating him right, if you know what I mean” she complained harshly. My right hand flies and lands hard on her cheek.

“Don’t you ever talk to me again like that. I wanted, needed you to be my friend. I trusted you. I was fragile and you took advantage of that. But now I’m not fragile anymore. I am strong and happy and most of all I am loved. I hope one day you’ll feel loved too so, maybe, you’ll realize how much of a desperate, lonely woman you are.” I declare emotionless, looking for the last time at her scandalized, silent face.

As I walk in the bar, I realize how broken and unhappy Sophia must be. How insignificant and unsuccessful she must feel. Because as soon as I sit on my boyfriend’s legs, with his arms lovingly wrapped around me and our friends laughing for something stupid Geoff said, I understand that people like Lucie and Sophia, people who act like bullies, just feel alone. They feel like they’re not great and, since they aren’t, you don’t deserve it too. This is what crosses their minds. They do not feel better or superior, trust me. They all feel like they are drowning and they want to drag you down with them. Do not let them.

You need to surround yourself with people who know how to appreciate you, how to treat you at your worst and how to laugh with you at your highest. People who are not afraid to love and to show love. People who spread kindness and who praise happiness at its purest form. I can assure you, the world is full of amazing people who know how to be friends because, yes, everyone is different and we surely are different types of persons and friends but, let me tell you: we, as humans who cherish love, know how to treat each other right and we know how to make each other feel loved. Allow yourself to break free from toxic people, even if its hard, even if you see them every day: distance yourself from them and be happy with new people who treasure you for who you are and not for what you have to offer.

Masterlist

[nosafetynetunderneath]

Dear Friends (Fake Friends part 2)

2,2k of angst, sad but strong reader. (A lot of) swearing but also a lot of empowering words.

I know this isn’t really an imagine related to Shawn but I wanted to give Fake Friends a fair sequel- and end- because I feel like it is an important topic. Everyone feels lonely sometimes but we react in different ways. I hope that this writing can help you to see a lighten future where you leave back all the toxic people in your life.

Please know that feedback (as reblogs, likes, grammar suggestions and messages) are super appreciated. If you want to slide into my dms to talk about everything, I’m B and I’m here to help.

Also, I recommend you to listen to “Real Friends” by Camila Cabello. I really like it and it suits the imagine.

Love ya, enjoy.

B

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(two days after Y/N’s birthday)

They were right when they said we wouldn’t stop partying for a second. In fact, we didn’t. We went to Milan and Verona, where Shawn and I shared a sweet kiss under Juliet’s balcony while he was humming “Love Story” by Taylor. One night we went to a local club and came home at six, after eating hot croissants for breakfast. So today, the last day of my crazy long-weekend birthday celebration, we voted for staying here and visiting the little city I grew up in. We are strolling around, looking at the shop windows (not really interested in buying anything) when I see one of my old classmates with a baby in a stroller. I feel my lungs contract, gasping for air for a few seconds; probably even my heart misses a few beats. Then I feel all the anger, humiliation and sadness I repressed for years coming back to surface. My heart then starts so race quickly, palms getting a little sweaty while they close into tightened fists. I take a deep breath, trying to come back down to Earth. I’m not like that, like them. I am smart and I’m going to behave accordingly.

“Guys, give me a minute” I say smiling a little and starting to go toward her but a big hand gently wraps around my arm.

“That’s Sophia, right? You sure you want to go?” asks Shawn, looking into my eyes to let me know he really was concerned.

“Yeah, I wanna fix this. Sooner or later I’ll have to..go on with my life. I guess sooner is now and I really need to understand why they acted like that” I reply giving him a soft peck on the lips to thank him

“Why don’t you guys go sit in that little bar? I assure you it is super comfy and we’ll have a super tea break with a lot of cookies and stuff” I add, looking at them, waiting for a confirmation. They all nod in response and start to make they way to the tempting showcase full of Italian desserts.

“I’ll go with them but please call me if you need anything,” asks a worried Shawn and I laugh

“Babe she’s not a monster, she’s just a girl”

“A girl who made you suffer for years without any apparent reason. I’ll be your knight in shining armour and I’ll save my mistress” he smiles proudly, making me burst into laughter.

“Gosh, you’re so stupid. You can save your mistress from eating too much sugars later, now go”

“Yup. Just remember that I love you and you’re amazing and everything we talked about, okay?” he pecks me on the cheek and follows the other dudes.

As soon as he’s past the door I move closer to the girl, smiling a little.

“Ehi, Sophia!”

“Ehi Y/N, haven’t seen you in a while! How are you doing?” she asks, hugging me for a few seconds before distancing herself to look at me “You look amazing! look at that body of yours” she smiles again.

“I’m good thanks and you?” I reply kindly “is he yours?” I add, looking at the sleeping baby.

“My brother’s newborn, Luca. He’s cute, isn’t he? I’m fine anyway. Actually, I am engaged!” she exclaims excitedly.

“Really? Wow! It’s amazing, congratulations” I hope I sounded happier than I actually am.

“And I see you’re with Shawn! I still remember when we were talking about him back in 2018, loving his music and his naked torso also” she winks but I don’t actually share a bright smile with her since she’s talking about my amazing boyfriend and not about an object.

“How did you end up together?” what a nice way to ask how we met.

“We met in a library in London. I was there to buy a book and he needed to hide for a few minutes since too many fans were following him. And, yeah, we just started to talk.  Guess he found something special in me” I smile at the memory of that cloudy and ordinary-not-so-ordinary afternoon.

“Yeah, my fiancée is so special. You would have met him, Giorgio, if you came at the dinner. Why didn’t you come again?” she questions as she already didn’t know the answer.

“I wasn’t invited but I’m sure you knew it since you were one of the organisers” I answer directly. Her eyes go a little wider and I could even trust her surprise if I didn’t know she was such an actress.

“Oh, I am so sorry! I thought you were in the Facebook group chat, we sent the invitation there. I’ve lost your number so I assumed Marti would text you or call you” she sounds so fake.

“So there’s even a group chat? Listen, honestly I don’t wanna argue with you but why do you have to be such a bitch?” I wonder, sounding strangely self-conscious.

“Sorry?” she looks at me surprised.

“You heard me. Why do you have to cut me off like that? Why did you even need to cut me off back then?” I continue, now waiting for her to answer.

“I don’t know what are you talking about, we were friends. Yes we didn’t invite you but it was a mistake” she tries to explain but I can see the cruelty patiently waiting behind her big, brown eyes.

“Listen, none of us here is an idiot. Friends do not act like you all acted back in high school. Friends are meant to support each other when one of them falls but even when they succeed. You had never supported me, on none of these occasions. Friends are supposed to be kind to each other, caring and present in every moment, not just when they need something from you. How many times I drove forty minutes on dangerous streets just to come and give you help? And how many times did you do the same for me? Let me tell you, not once. Friends should push you over your limits, make you better; but you always told me I was exaggerating when I was just growing and you continued to declare that I was being bossy while I was just trying to help you through projects and homework because you sucked, mostly because you chatted during class, however, I didn’t want you to fail. Friends talk to each other whenever they do something wrong because they care and they don’t wanna lose their friendship. They don’t smile at your face and then go talk shit behind your back, making you feel bad because of course I found out, every time, what you were saying about me, how you were telling everyone to stay away from me because I always wanted to rule. Friends don’t come around only when they need your help, only when they realize you’re good to them; friends stay by your fucking side, even if you’re being bitchy or bossy or whatever because they know you and they know that if you act like that its because you’re suffering. Friends do not go around, spilling someone else’s secret. I confided to you all of my deepest fears and brightest dreams and you mocked me. I revealed to you all the problems my family was going through and you had the strength to tell me I was just blowing everything out of proportion because I wanted to be pitied. I wanted a sister, a partner in crime, not someone looking at me like I was an oily stain on their favourite sweatshirt. For two years you all came to my birthday parties without a small, insignificant present! I would have loved even a stupid t-shirt. Did you remember how much money we spent every year to buy you expensive presents? And I have never received one! You were so...selfish. How come that this year you sent me a letter to London to wish me a happy birthday? Maybe because now that I’m with Shawn I could be useful?

I have been a friend to you, to all of you. I was always ready to wipe your tears with my fingers while I was still trying to get mine to dry. I let you copy my homework whenever you couldn’t make yours and you wouldn’t even share your snacks with me. To you, I was good only when you realized that no one could give advice like me or that no one would drive in the rain with hot Mc Donald to cheer you the fuck up. And, for sure, friends don’t want to catch up when you happen to have a famous boyfriend they want to impress. So yeah, I guess we weren’t friends and we surely aren’t now.”

“I didn’t know you felt like this, you never told us”

“You never asked! I always shared my happy moments with you. All of those summer nights, when I was on vacation and fell in love with different boys and made such cool experiences and memories you wished you made because you only saw them in movies. You told me I was a bitch because every summer I kissed a different guy while I was just experiencing life, I was being normal. And when I got stuck with one guy in particular you told me I pissed you off because I could only talk about him. You even had the courage to say that I was out of control when I described all those summer nights when I went to that small lounge bar by the seaside and danced the life out of me. You even indicate my parents as crazy because they would let me stay out with my friends to see the sunset and to have breakfast together! For two long years, I stopped having fun with my other friends because I had your voices on replay on my mind, telling me how to behave. You ruined me and it took me so long to get back on my feet, you know?” 

“We never told you what to do, we were just being honest” she declares, almost looking offended.

“Yes, you did. You made me feel wrong for a very long time. My light shut down because of you. Fuck, I even gave up on singing because every time I was humming you told me to shut up because I was out of tone” I finish, suddenly feeling exhausted. I have just blurted out all of the scars and pain I had in my body. Now it is a weight she has to share too.

“Well, you don’t seem pretty sad now, do you? You have your beloved Shawn so I guess you’re still a bitch and you’re treating him right, if you know what I mean” she complained harshly. My right hand flies and lands hard on her cheek.

“Don’t you ever talk to me again like that. I wanted, needed you to be my friend. I trusted you. I was fragile and you took advantage of that. But now I’m not fragile anymore. I am strong and happy and most of all I am loved. I hope one day you’ll feel loved too so, maybe, you’ll realize how much of a desperate, lonely woman you are.” I declare emotionless, looking for the last time at her scandalized, silent face.

As I walk in the bar, I realize how broken and unhappy Sophia must be. How insignificant and unsuccessful she must feel. Because as soon as I sit on my boyfriend’s legs, with his arms lovingly wrapped around me and our friends laughing for something stupid Geoff said, I understand that people like Lucie and Sophia, people who act like bullies, just feel alone. They feel like they’re not great and, since they aren’t, you don’t deserve it too. This is what crosses their minds. They do not feel better or superior, trust me. They all feel like they are drowning and they want to drag you down with them. Do not let them.

You need to surround yourself with people who know how to appreciate you, how to treat you at your worst and how to laugh with you at your highest. People who are not afraid to love and to show love. People who spread kindness and who praise happiness at its purest form. I can assure you, the world is full of amazing people who know how to be friends because, yes, everyone is different and we surely are different types of persons and friends but, let me tell you: we, as humans who cherish love, know how to treat each other right and we know how to make each other feel loved. Allow yourself to break free from toxic people, even if its hard, even if you see them every day: distance yourself from them and be happy with new people who treasure you for who you are and not for what you have to offer.

masterlist

part 1

[chronikkally]

THE KH FANDOM IS TOXIC THAT'S WHY...

This is to an artist I wrote an article talking about. Basically a little something about me and pedophilia. She’s 19 or 20 and I don’t like her. I don’t like her or the girl that accused me of being a pedophile over art. But this was so confusing and I didn’t want to argue with someone that young. I’m 21. I should know better but this was another case of Not knowing all the facts. 

I will start it off. Like this,  this was last year mind you. I have an imvu account. I’m always off and on imvu. Creating an account. Deleting. I actually enjoy that site because of the avatars. 

And I started my first time on imvu,  when I was in elementry. I think,  maybe middle school. 

Imvu is a chat website with 3D avatars in a virtual reality. The site is between good and bad. It’s a 50/50 win or lose type of thing. But last year,  back when I had my laptop working. I had an account and got back on it. I was bored and I decided to play with this new upgrade to the chat. 

It worked like tinder! I wasn’t planning to date anyone because at the time I was in a so called relationship. Previously I was on a dating website,  badoo. Bad choice,  don’t do it. 

This artist on tumblr. Draws Xaldin from Kingdom Hearts with Lexaeus. She’s lesibian. Not important but to me it was and she had the stupidest reason behind this thing I shall explain. 

She accused me of fetishizing,  an Iranian. So,  I’m swiping on these avatars on imvu. And I come across this guy who doesn’t have an avatar, it’s his face and I’m like he’s kinda ugly but his nose is cute. The thing I notice about guys is their nose. Now,  I will admit this. Which is accurate. 

If there was anything I truly was fetishizing. It was white men! And I still feel bad and no longer like white guys,  in a sexual nature,  they have weird dicks. Another reminder I am black. POC. Brown. African american. Whatever. I’m a nigga. 

At the time when I swiped right on this boy who was 24 on his profile. He’s 25 now. Moments later he sent me a message and I didn’t think anyone would swipe on my card so this was surprising. 

I didn’t  get on imvu to date because I thought a boy named Tony Holt was my boyfriend. He said he cuffed me and I believed it. I was wrong. He said he liked black girls but in that way,  you know actually fetishizing. 

He messages me and says,  my interest are funny. And I like making people laugh it gives me good vibes. So I say, I try my best. Eventually he invited me into a private chat and I accepted. 

I was nervous as hell because like I said imvu is 50/50 you have some really messed up guys on there. And the last time, some really weird and ugly white dude started kissing all over my avatar like no tomorrow asking if I loved him. So this nice man and I’m saying man because he was one. The first thing he said,  would you date a Chinese man? 

I was so confused and I moved avatar as far from him to simulate this weird behavior. I wasn’t trying to date him. I ask,  are you Chinese? He goes,  I’m Iranian. Me: Then why did you ask? Him: I was trying to be funny And goddammit  if he wasn’t. 

I didn’t know he was Iranian. Nor did I care. It wouldn’t have made a difference if he was or not! 

What really made me swipe right. Was because in his card he said he wanted an intellectual conversation with someone. Me,  I like to talk,  that’s all I wanted. 

I ended up moving my avatar to the couch in the private chat but there was still space between our avatars. 

He introduces himself. I give him my name. He was confused to why I thought, the first thing he wanted to do was date. Because I was away from his avatar. I remembered being a bit mean. He asked,  why are you way over there and I snapped and said this is the not too fucking fast position because the last time somebody put me in a private chat THEY ASKED ME RIGHT OFF THE BACK DO I LOVE THEM AFTER KISSING MY AVATAR. 

I remember words like, I don’t bite. And not going to lie. I was smiling because it was cute and I was nervous like. 

But when I moved my avatar we talked and it was the best shit ever. Realizing I was having a conversation with somebody that knew shit and wasn’t a dumb ass. I was high. 

He asked me about the president and his policies and I said something like fuck him. And he’s surprised. He goes,  you don’t like your president? I said fuck no! 

The conversation is going. I find out he has an illness. I have an illness I asked how he felt in Canada and asked if he faced any decrimination and I really don’t understand why there is a hatred towards middle eastern people. And the last middle eastern that spoke to me was on tinder. I think he said he was Iraqi. And I feel bad for that. I dogde the shit out of Arab men. Out of respect! I would hate to have an Arab boyfriend and both our families are like why you bring an A-RAB home (my dad) and his family is like what the fuck did you bring home? 

Because not everyone is open minded to their children dating outside their race. I hold middle eastern men to a high regard. Like respect the shit out of them. By not talking to them in fear I sound like a racist uneducated ghetto mess! It’s like,  you’re a smart man please leave a poor black woman to her slave duties, sir. But the one on tinder was confusing like are you here for sex or a date? And I wasn’t into the whole sex thing. So I ducked and dodged. On imvu,  I love Capricorns! I don’t know why. He was a Capricorn. And I was all FUCK YEAH. And I had made him laugh talking about dick because dudes send me ugly dick pictures and I lie to them. I said something about black guy’s dicks changing color and he shared a story how a chick he was dating was real conceited. 

My favorite thing. We talked. Laughed and joked. Eventually this huge feeling comes over me. And I wanted to really know him. I was interested as fuck. And last time I spoke with him,  it was real short. I messaged him on imvu and he was willing but… Ugh I can’t get that back. Even if he changed his relationship status to in a relationship and I was confused as to why. Because I’m a grandma. If you don’t ask me. Nigga I guess you not interested and I don’t play games so… 

Tony Holt came back from working on a rig and all hell broke lose. I think I hurt him. He unfriended me and that hurt me. I still like him. But at the same time. I’m confused,  I don’t know if it’s pity or that rich Arab hospitality. One of those,  Imma be nice but I don’t like you…ANYMORE BECAUSE HE FUCKING CALLED ME DEAR THE SECOND TIME WE CHATTED. And I’m not going to force him to be with me. Never. But my actions hurt. And I don’t want to slip into another relationship now. 

If this is about wanting to date outside my race however. That is the stupidest thing. Rihanna is courting a Saudi! Brittany Spears is courted by an IRANI. AND A DAMN KARDASHIAN IS WITH A MIDDLE EASTERN. So two white heterosexual women and one black Caribbean can do it. But my black ass can’t? 

I tried to date outside my race multiple times. What I fetishized were white men!  And If I was really fetishizing, I would like a fucking middle eastern to message me and curse me the fuck out then some ass kissing self entiled brat. I don’t like her. She’s 19 and full of shit. Talking about,  I draw Arabs and write about them. 

NIGGA. 

I HAVE A SYRAIN MALE CHARACTER WHO HAS SEVERAL BROTHERS. AND A SISTER AND THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I HAD A CHARACTER FROM YEMEN. FICTIONAL CHARACTERS ARE NOT REAL. 

THEY DO NOT HOLD THE SAME VALUES AS A TANGIBLE MOTHERFUCKER. I said a Desi/Arabic woman was super fucking beautiful and thick and I don’t know if it was lesbianism or I was jealous as fuck. I had a stroke and she came into my room while I was in recovery and I just lost my damn voice. Plus. Why are you so concerned with what I reblog? I reblogged Arabic men one time. Some of them were shirtless. They looked good. Maybe the reason I did it was inappropriate but they were good looking men! And some were gay asf. 

Oh look at this happy gay Arabic couple. They look so comfortable. You see gay men just hug and suddenly get happy? I don’t know why but seeing guys have this. I’m envious. Because I want a dick and hate my vagina. I’m a transexual? I do not care for my lady parts. 

Like what ever the argument is… It’s stupid. Your art doesn’t carry the same shit as an actual middle eastern who comes to America or Canada. They out here getting called all sorts of shit. 

You draw a hajabi girl and she gets her hajabi ripped off in your fictional world. You don’t go to an actual breathing tangible hajabi girl and try to relate your fictional shit to her actual pain. 

A scenario: Hajabi: Some guy snatched my hajab off An artist: Well,  my character Shahira Mohammed got her hajab ripped off her head too. 

Scenerio two: Black people: I got called a nigger, I’m  biracial An artist: I have a character that’s a slave,  so I totally understand. 

Scenerio three: Jewish people: I was just breathing when somebody threw money at me and called me a Jew face An artist: I totally understand. Yousef was called a Jesus killer in Chapter eight. It hurt so much  to write that. 

I still like Ahmad. Him being Iranian doesn’t mean shit to me. But I’ll punch a nigga for him. Middle easterners and Jewish people get the dumbest hate. ‘Oh well,  middle easterners uh,  9/11’

One person. Not a whole nation. 

‘Jews love money’

First off. Don’t be mad at somebody Jewish for getting off their ass and going to work because you sat down and scratched your ass all day. But please tell me I’m fetishizing. 

How the fuck is it okay for some goddamn lesibian of 19 fucking years old. Find it remotely acceptable to draw gay fictional characters in yaoi scenerio if yaoi is also the art of hypersexualized homosexuality. 

Because if that doesn’t mean the same damn thing then I might have a second goddamn stroke and I don’t want to die. That’s hypocrisy. Lesibians get the fetishizing thing, too when two homosexual girls are caught in public and a heterosexual man comes and sees they wanna instantly have a three way. 

But clearly you don’t understand this. And instead you want to focus on POC, like middle easterners can’t speak the fuck up. If I was doing wrong,  why the hell didn’t somebody that was Arabic not come and tell me after all the shit I reblogged. Can you please not reblog my shit? Because if they did I would have gotten the fuck rid of it. 

But please explain to my black ass once more how I’m wrong. You fucking brat. You wanna act like an adult be prepared to get talk to like one. No one ever comes out when black women get fetishized. But I guess,  in the harshes reality. 

1) You once upon a time had a crush on some Arab who rejected you and now your gay. 

2) You’re low key fucking racist. You looked through my blog on my now deleted account and ignored that I was a POC who went through this bullshit. And everyone can come after me like. Dude chill she’s 19. Fuck off. She’s reaching a new age of 20 no one is holding your fucking hand through life because you can’t face these things. Grow up. You hurt yourself. Which led to this. I’m not going to let some 19 wannabe important child explain to me what fetishizing is! 

I told Ahmad about this. He laughed,  said it was amusing. Found out he’s short. He has two brothers. Is the middle child. Is a weed smoker. BECAUSE MEDICAL MARIJUANA. 

SHUT THE FUCK 

[ftb-writes]

Prompt fill is here!

Quick warning, though, there is a person who has never met a trans person and is confused for a minute! He's really chill, though.

---

The collection of toadstools forms a rough circle in Percival's backyard, and he eyes it warily as he goes about his morning chores. It is Sunday, after all, so his parents are at church. Best leave the family disappointment to see to the house while they're gone.

Percival contemplates pulling the fungi, like his father has been doing every few days since the circle first appeared about a month ago. After all, what would the townsfolk say if someone saw a Fae Ring in the pastor's backyard?

Still, Percival sees no harm in leaving it be for now. His parents are not expected home for a few hours at least, and perhaps if he caught one of the Gentry, his parents would forgive him his one sin.

Or perhaps the Fae wish to spy, silent and unseen. Percival does not know. But a few hours here or there should not hurt.

The small, treacherous part of his mind whispers how much easier it would be for everyone if he was stolen away. He ignores it, as usual, but keeps an eye on the fungi all the same.

About halfway through the morning -- still an hour before service ends, and then his parents have a propensity for talking to neighbors over the after-mass brunch for an hour or two -- Percival turns from the kitchen window for just a moment, emptying the dustpan into the trash, and when he turns back around, there is a woman standing in the Faery Ring. She is wearing boys clothes, and her hair is cropped short, and she is staring in at him with a feral, albeit human, grin.

"I'm Faolan," she greets when he goes out into the yard.

"Faolan's a boy's name," Percival tells her, because it is.

"Yeah, because I'm a boy," Faolan chuckles with a snort and an eye roll. "My body's just grown into the wrong shape, is all."

"I'm Percival," he introduces, because Faolan looks as Fae as Percival himself does. "How can you be a boy?"

"Because I say I am," Faolan says, as if Percival has asked a terribly dumb question. "Wanna be my boyfriend?"

Percival frowns at Faolan, struck. "I'm not gay."

"Your dad says you are," Faolan argues, and alright, he does have a point there. Percival is not supposed to be gay, though, and he says as much.

"Who told you that, your dad," Faolan asks, and he is right, and can tell from the sour look on Percival's face. "Humans like him are stupid and toxic. That's why your mum's cheating on him with that dairy guy over on the Gunnery Farm. You didn't hear that from me, though."

Percival squints at him. "Now I'm doubting that you aren't Fae, after all."

"Oh, I'm human alright. Seventh son of a seventh son, yeah? But my adoptive father and his family are, and my adopted daughter is --"

"Wait, you were replaced by a changeling, and you didn't try to go back?"

"My life is better, now," Faolan explains with a shrug. "Yours would be, too."

Percival goes back inside. Faolan is gone by the time his parents return, and his father destroys the Faery Ring, yelling at Percival for not doing it himself.

Not even an hour after his parents have left for next Sunday's mass, there's a knock on Percival's back door.

"What if I wooed you like in the old tales?" Faolan has a fistful of flowering weeds, grasses, and a few dandelions who have lost a few seeds onto Faolan's sleeve. He thrusts the makeshift bouquet excitedly toward Percival, a triumphant smile on his face. "I can cook you garlic herb bread!"

Percival sighs, but let's Faolan in anyway. The other boy -- man, if he really has adopted a child -- is so enthusiastic when he tells Percival he looks nice today that Percival cannot fight the smile that shyly spreads across his face.

"So you can cook garlic herb bread?" Percival prompts, and Faolan starts gushing about all the other foods he can cook, and how he can mend clothes, and he knows woodworking, of all the things for a human raised by Fae to know.

"I'd take care of you," Faolan offers, "and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. You could pursue any interests or hobbies you like, and you'd never want for anything."

"And what if I want to help out and take care of you, too?" Percival means it to be discouraging, he tells himself, but Faolan smiles sweetly.

"Whatever you want, Percival, I won't complain about you wanting to spoil me."

"Oh for --" Percival sighs. "Get out."

The third Sunday, Percival has a black eye from one of the neighbor's boys. His father thought he should deal with the problem himself, to 'build character', so Percival hasn't even left his bed when Faolan taps on his window. The man has brought a salve for Percival's eye, and foul words toward his attackers.

"Just say the word, Percy, and they'll be Underground," Faolan growls, brushing the salve oh-so-tender over Percival's bruises. Neither of them comment on the nickname, but Percival begs Faolan to leave it alone.

"I just want to let it all blow over," Percival sighs. "Thank you, though; my eye feels better already."

"I could kiss it, too?" Faolan sounds half-teasing, but the man does blush when Percival shyly takes him up on the offer.

"Besides, if I do decide to run away with you -- if," Percival interrupts himself at Faolan's hopeful look, "then I won't want them there, they're jerks."

"That they are," Faolan grumbles.

"Kiss me again," Percival asks, telling himself it is just to distract Faolan and has nothing to do with the butterflies in his stomach.

They spend several hours kissing like innocent children on Percival's bed, curtains drawn, until Percival's parents come home and he distracts them while Faolan sneaks out the back. At least the man was smart enough to grow the ring farther out, where the underbrush of the woods encroaching on the back of the property hides the fungi from view.

The next few weeks are filled with thrill as Percival slips out whenever he can -- even in the middle of the night -- to see Faolan in the woods, and after three months Percival admits to himself that he has become Faolan's boyfriend.

He doesn't bring Faolan back home, except on Sundays, but Faolan and Percival are both careful not to be seen. It is quick to become routine, even the nervous Sundays Faolan lays Percival down and takes him apart. Until they make a mistake.

His parents come home unexpectedly early one Sunday to find the two at the table. Faolan had heard them outside, luckily, so the two lovers are an appropriate distance, as if just casual acquaintances. Faolan introduces himself as a new neighbor who had just bought the undeveloped plot to their left, while Percival's pulse beats in his throat. His parents buy the easy lie, and Faolan leaves out the front door for once.

The neighbors young daughter tells his parents she had run home on an errand and seen Percival sneaking Faolan through the back door. Percival comes back from the Monday Market to a raging father. He does not think -- does not have time to -- and bolts out into the backyard, out into the woods.

Percival's father comes face-to-inhuman-face with Faolan's overprotective, Fae father -- who would be introduced to Percival as a 'Prince Gillean' later -- and a half-feral little changeling who seems more than eager to kill for the man who had taken her in as his own and given her everything. Aisling and Gillean put the fear of God, if it could be called that, into the pastor while Faolan cradles Percival close and leads him -- guides him oh-so-gently -- to the Faery Ring.

Percival goes willingly into the earth, and quickly discovers he loves garlic herb bread and woodworked chairs and being pampered on his side of Faolan's bed. He understands, now, that Faolan was right all those months ago. His life is better, with Faolan wrapped so warm around him.