#fawning

[thepeacefulgarden]

[artofmaquenda]

When you've fawned your whole life and don't really know who your authentic self is and if that really excists. Also all those repressed feelings of anger and frustrations coming out... oh well, one small bit of self at the time I guess :)

[teamiibo]

Dancing around in little circles until our little retinas burn out

[cazzythefrogking]

marauders incorrect quotes pt 229

Remus: You need a hobby. James: I have a hobby! Remus: Fawning over Regulus isn’t a hobby.

[chemicalcarousel]

The fawn response is such a horrible struggle to deal with

TW // SA , child abuse , death threats

We are survivors of early childhood trauma and when you are a toddler, you can't fight or flee your own parent. This leaves you with two other options - freeze and fawn. While freeze left us totally defenceless, fawn gave us a fake sense of control. If we please our abuser, they won't kill us. If we "go along", it was our choice and we have the power to navigate our abuser. We can play the game and survive by making them satisfied. All this was of course subconsciously learned as we were abused since birth

While fawning made a lot of sense when we were 4 years old and at the mercy of a grown adult that we lived with 24/7, it is very maladaptive when it happens in our everyday life as a 27 year old person, who's physically removed from our abusers

I will now share some personal experiences involving sexual harassment/abuse:

We struggle with men sexually harassing us online and we can't say no. We try to send them signals with a shaky voice, like "I don't know" or "I'm not sure", but they never pick up on it. We've ended up having some sort of video call sex with a guy once while we were drunk and through the entire time, we just wanted it to be over and forget about it. Because of the fawn response, we couldn't leave the call, couldn't block the person, and couldn't close the app. Physically, it was always possible with no true consequences, but our nervous system stopped us from using any other defence response. We just acted without much control at all. A part of us stuck in time from when we were a toddler took control and just did what they were told. We felt horrible afterwards and blamed ourselves for not setting clear enough boundaries. But this fawning response didn't change when the same kinds of online harassment happened again and again

We've had men pressuring us into rating their dicks and their jerk off videos and again, instead of just leaving the call and reporting them, we just tried to please them. We were stuck in a flashback and just acting, not thinking. A poor "inner child" was trying to protect us by satisfying strangers' sexual needs. And we felt so fucking disgusting and stupid for it

I'm sharing this story in case other people might feel alone in their struggle with fawning. You're not alone and you're not disgusting. Your body and mind are trying to protect you. Be compassionate with yourself. We are on this healing journey together

[avoidantrecovery]

my thoughts on rejection sensitivity, fawning, criticism and how i want to get better about them

these are just some notes/me thinking aloud/me writing notes to myself and putting things into perspective/connecting some dots. maybe others can relate.

✦ abandonment/rejection based trauma leads to... ✦ needing to be accepted and liked by any- and everyone (fawning) to restore safety/ensure feeling safe which leads to... ✦ due to being stuck in trauma response/having a trauma rewired brain: strong sensitivity and fear of any kind of rejection or criticism, which leads to... ✦ responsibility for your emotions and self-perceptions are outsourced (for the lack of a better word) to (random) third persons (who are not even aware of this). which leads to... ✦ difficulty to interact and communicate with people without crushing hypervigilance, anxiety, numbing, strong emotional reactions... leads to... ✦ random third parties and their reaction to us (be it via facial expressions, tone, conversation, action or inaction, etc...) now makes or breaks our emotional state ✦ a positive reaction gives us (if we're lucky) positive emotions (dopamine, safety, elation) a negative reaction however leads to the exact opposite -> we are at the whims of random people ✦ inevitable negative feedback then leads to severe negative emotions including anxiety, shame, self-devaluing and self-abuse ✦ this becomes a cycle of wanting others to reflect that "we are good" back to us in places where it's not relevant and will lead to negative feedback and rejection, isolating and then doing it all over again.

what to do instead?

✸ realize that this is a cycle that is happening and why (trauma) ✸ be mindful and have self-compassion for your past (fawning) behaviour to avoid shame and self-hate (you were stuck in a trauma response, not doing it on purpose) ✸ realize that minute reactions of all people doesn't have to matter to you. this is something you have to practise day in day out, because your brain is stuck in this mode. ✸ it's fucked up that we often have to deal with people who are outright hostile and having a negative reaction to that is normal and healthy. however, everyone who has ever felt the overwhelming crushing sensation of rejection sensitivity knows there is a difference between that and "a healthy negative reaction". ✸ we shouldn't have to internalize and emotionally tattoo every minute thing someone else says or does to us, esp. if they are hostile ✸ it shouldn't control us for the rest of the day, week, month or even longer ✸ there is nothing we can do to control others behaviour (even by prostrating and fawning to the max), it is not even our responsibility, but we can try to better manage and process our own emotions to ensure we are not constantly dysregulated. ✸ use "the levels method" to sort to what degree someone's feedback matters to you ✸ realize that you will probably fall back into old behaviour patterns because "nerves that fire together, wire together". meaning it is through repetition that we form new habits and it's by reducing "firing" old behaviour patterns that we are able to eventually let them go.

the levels method

✸ level 1: random strangers on the street: 0.5/5 ✸ level 2: random people you see daily (neighbors, barista, etc...): 1/5 ✸ level 3: work/school people 2/5 (only professional/educational stuff matters, do not take things personal or internalize professional critic as personal critic, i know this is hard and often unfair) ✸level 4: acquaintances and friends: 3/5 ✸ level 5: family and good friends: 4/5 ✸ level 6: your own selected loved ones 5/5

☞ i just came up with this little method that i will try to use to weigh my emotions and how seriously i have to take people's reactions to me. again, it's not easy and it's something that has to be practised to get right. however, the idea is to get away from processing the random reaction of a stranger, or even of a co-worker or client, with the same intensity and seriousness of selected loved one whose feedback i obviously care about a lot.

what if i don't have loved ones?

✸ this is one thing that has been bothering me ✸ i think for some people the "outsourcing" of emotions onto other people and that whole cycle, is intensified by not having any selected loved ones due to isolation etc... ✸ it's likely that you will, perhaps without being aware of it, begin to look for emotional feedback (to feel safe due to trauma brain) from people who fall within level 1-level 3 or 4. ✸ people need social contact and if there is nobody else around we might look to have our emotional needs met by people who aren't even aware or responsible for that ✸ i am currently in this situation and all i can do for now, until i do find new selected loved ones, is to be aware when i do it and steer away from it when it happens. ✸ if you are in contact with family or friends, this can be a better outlet as random strangers or classmates/co-workers

(not medical advice, just thinking out loud)

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

[vintageadsmakemehappy]

1949 Jantzen Sun Clothing

[kimchicuddles]

Coercion and trauma dances TikvaWolf.com Thank you for supporting my work! patreon.com/kimchicuddles TIPS  venmo.com/tikvawolf

[thepeacefulgarden]

[unwelcome-ozian]

[teamiibo]

Something rotting, ruined, deep in the depths

[hibiscuit-rose]

no one probably remembers when i posted about this idea i had but its a story called fawning about a dating app of the same name thats for deer! the bottom image is like the main two, Hinda and Hartley, two twin red deers, where Hinda creates the app and shows to her brother to get him into it

the top images are some misc characters that also use the app

Carrie and Holly are two caribou/reindeer sisters

Mirc is a water deer who if they were human would be named Arson

Miss Alice is an albino deer who lives a sheltered life

Eli is a nerdy moose

and Sienna is a peppy sika deer!

there will probably be more characters but these are the main ones

[manicbeans]

Fawn affirmations: I don't have to take responsibility for other people's emotions, just being a presence and a witness is a gift and a blessing. It is everyone's right to have a full emotional experience of the world. The people I love will feel sad, angry, triggered, and upset, and no action on my part can stop this from happening indefinitely. I can be myself and love them anyway and that is enough.

[sage-hazeline]

i’m not pathetic for fawning.

i shouldn’t get angry at myself for fawning.

it’s protected me from harm, it’s kept me safe.

fawning doesn’t make me pathetic. it is an indication that i am faced with a person who cannot regulate their emotions and who unduly directs their emotions at me. fawning is an indication that my body is working, working to keep me safe because it has learned from experience that this person’s behaviour will harm me.

i am not pathetic for trying to create safety for myself in a situation where the other person is emotionally volatile.

sometimes fawning makes me feel pathetic because i’m not expressing my true feelings or thoughts, because i feel like i can’t.

but i need to be compassionate with myself and interpret my fawning as something that has kept me safe, and it does not make me pathetic or feeble or spineless.

[grouchydairy]

it’s so weird to fall into this category where your trauma response is to be the social oil for the situation, smooth things over, fix and move on. It’s insidious because on the surface, it looks and feels to be a skill. Others might even positively reinforce this, because it seems to solve all the problems. Except, it doesn’t. It solves problems for everyone else, at the cost of your own body going haywire. That is the problem. Your body, you, deserve to be safe too, without constantly being placed in a situation where you’re supposed to smile through the threat. You deserve to have a space where you are safe and enjoying yourself too.

lucy dan