#for a little bit here the story is easier for me to digest into an essay so.

[heretherebeturtles-comic]

Hello! Many people have said this but ill say it too, I LOVE YOUR COMIC SO MUCH ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡

I really wanted to ask you about how you do the backgrounds? (Something i struggle with) whats the process? Like from start to finish, also, to do the rise backgrounds do you use reference from the show and generally real photo of ny? Or do you come up with them? And last question- The shadow and light on the background- Like HOW

i know it’s a lot of questions but i’m just so curious qwq and wanna learn to be better, thank you again in case you read this and respond, in case you don’t, i hope you have a nice day and a wonderful life uwu keep up the great work! (≧◡≦) ♡

Backgrounds are a really broad subject and I'm always a little overwhelmed when asked this question. Just like drawing the human body, backgrounds take time, repetition, and practice!

My answer got a bit long, so it's going under a read more :) but if you digest info better in video format I found this on youtube

It pretty much goes over everything I wanted to say, but in a much better way. I wish I had found it before writing all this out lol

ok, first of all, I'm not a teacher nor was I built to be one of those cool helpful art tutorial people who do a full coloured tutorial filled with illustrations. This is just going to be a messy "how I do backgrounds / environment layouts from start to finish." kinda thing.

... lets start with a sight tangent.

Sketch from Life!!!

If you want to get better at backgrounds I recommend doing some sketching out in the real world!

When I was first getting into doing backgrounds I went to cafes and parks to just sketch the buildings and objects. Sketch rocks, flowers, clumps of grass, garbage cans, bottles, tables, street signs, etc. If you are drawing a tree observe how the trunks twist, how the bark flows, or how the leaves are bunched.

If you can't leave the house the same still applies! Sketch the interiors of your house, the walls, or common objects like chairs and bookshelves. How are objects stacked? items on the floor?

If you aren't comfortable with drawing outside or in public you can take some photos to draw from! They are good for practice and you can use them again as references later. Alternatively you can find pictures online of buildings and objects to sketch as practice.

All spaces have objects in them, it becomes easier to draw those kinds of spaces when you already have spent time observing and sketching them.

ALSO! They don't have to be good sketches! It's just to build out your mental catalogue and strengthen your perception of perspective.

now the actual thing...

BACKGROUNDS

(the pictures used for this are my own. I dug them out of my 2022 folder)

Backgrounds have slightly different rules based on what you are making them for. Videogame Environment Concept Art vs Animation Layouts vs Comic Backgrounds vs Illustration backgrounds.

They all follow the same basics, which I will go over here, but the intention and function of those designs are going to be different. It's all about how you set up the scene and what it's purpose is!

Brainstorming and Thumbnailing

I like to think about a location as though it is a character. An abandoned old house with creaky sagging floorboards is very different from a futuristic space ship with sharp metal floor panels. A gas station has a very different feeling from a library.

I usually start by asking what is this location's story? Why was it built and for what purpose? What kinds of things does this room need to fulfill that purpose? You don’t need solid answers, but its good to be thinking about it while you are working.

Next, sketch some ideas for how this place is going to look. For me, this usually involves drawing the idea from multiple angles and then making lists & small sketches of the objects I think should be filling the space.

Example: The main character of my original work is a Wanderer. They collect a lot of things on their travels, but those items have to be small enough to be easily carried in a backpack. I wanted his room to be in the corner of an attic, walled off by curtains, and filled with trinkets. You can see some of my brainstorming above.

References

I only look for references after I've done some sketching and planning; this is to solidify my idea first so that I don't accidentally copy anyone else's work. I will make a moodboard with pictures of lighting, colours, items, rooms with specific ceiling beams, old chairs, etc. basically whatever I feel fits the vibe.

Honestly, I don't use references as much as I should. For ROTTMNT fanart I look at backgrounds and screenshots from the series to study the style. I also reference actual photos of NYC to get a feel for how Rise condenses the visual information.

In general, it's good to have references of real life objects/locations, because there are so many details like cracks in pavement, stickers on polls, crowning on buildings, fancy fencing, weird chair legs, etc. that you might not think of. It's the imperfect details that can make a location feel more alive.

Perspective

Once you have your chosen sketch we move to.... the infamous perspective boxes. Doing backgrounds is just learning to be comfortable drawing So Many boxes and carving items out of them.

Many better artists than myself have made videos on perspective, vanishing points, and all the technical bits. Videos like THIS ONE and THIS ONE are helpful (this post is great too!!). There are probably a lot of classes to be found on Skillshare or Schoolism. I learned a lot of this in my college art course, so I can't give you a specific video which helped me.

You can get by and be a good artist without learning this stuff. There are quite a few successful artists who have admitted they never bothered to learn perspective (one of these people even made a whole graphic novel series).

I personally avoided properly learning this stuff until I was in my 20s because I thought it would be boring and difficult to do. tbh I really wish I had learned it earlier because it's so much fun to make those silly little boxes imo. It looks scary and complicated but, just like drawing humans, it just takes time, repetition, and practice to develop the knowledge and skills.

Cleanup

You have your boxes and lines! Cool! Now to make a scene out of it. Fill in the details, get everything placed were you want it! Generally, the lines of each item will point back towards the horizon line, but they can have different perspective points.

Generally you would want to clean it up and get your room completely sketched before doing the lineart. I tend to combine the steps (not recommended)

Lineart

I've mentioned how I do this before. Closer objects have thicker lines and more detailed inside. Further objects have thinner lines and less detail. I didn't quite achieve that balance with the image below, but it's close enough.

Colours and Shading will have to be a separate post. In the meantime, I highly recommend the book "Color and Light" by James Gurney. I used to borrow it from my local library and a good chunk of my knowledge was learned from it :)

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Bit Slow Round These Parts

Organized, in each category, by ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Dec 2023 Wk 4

Ongoing Series - Thai

Last Twilight (Fri YT) ep 8 of 12 - Mhok is about the most indulgent boyfriend on the planet. Why they dressed as 1930s gangsters for the wedding? I have no idea idea, but it’s adorable. IFYLITA mark 2? And they’re even dancing together using bits of the same steps that were used that show too. Cute nod.

The Sign (Sat YT) ep 6 of 10 - Everything but the kitchen sink includes lesbians apparently. Excellent. Carry on. Also a lot of filler about the sides. (Boring, stop that.) I wish the doctor were a little bit more of a multifaceted character (and less evil snakey), and that we had some of his backstory + Tharn. If we saw them as kids, having a longer true friendship, it would make Tharn’s attitude a little bit more sympathetic and forgiving.

For Him (Thurs iQIYI) ep 5 of 10 - I like this show, but it’s awfully one-sided in the romance arena. I mean shouldn’t they be trying to support and make each other happy? Why does it always have to come from Him? Also, I’m constantly worried about the fact that Nail doesn’t eat any vegetables. His digestive track must be in serious distress. And if the boy is a bottom?! Look I have concerns is all I'm saying, I hope he's getting his fiber along with the dk. Meanwhile... Mom confrontation! Always fun.  

Twins the series (Fri GaGa) ep 9 of 10 - Now I’m having a hard time keeping the twins straight. Who’s getting beat up for whom, what’s going on? No matter who, First caught himself a live one. I like those bits.

Pit Babe (Fri iQIYI) ep 7 of 14 - I got little crumbs of my sides but not enough, and then they dropped the mpreg bomb. Kinda like blowing the BL diaper. Trash watch happening here.

Cooking Crush (Sun YT) ep 5 of 12 - They are so cute. And mostly such good communicators. Except evil dad is evil! I didn’t have OffGun tango on my bingo card, but I'm happy to check it off. After making everyone sing, GMMTV is now making everyone dance. I much prefer it. Kiss came a bit out of nowhere. But it was sweet. 

A few minutes later...

Bake Me Please (Mon Gaga) ep 6fin - I don’t know, I feel like this just wasn’t good enough for the class of talent involved. Which means it’s mostly the story and script's fault. In the end I kinda just wanted Guy to get the guy.

In cluclusion:

A lack-luster story about a group of bakers coping with (mostly) a shoddy script that could not be saved by either the beauty nor the talent of the actors involved. It suffered for lack of narrative backbone and so did I. 6/10

Middleman’s Love (Fri YT & iQIYI ep 8fin - Mai is an adorable clingy boyfriend, and that bit was kind of cute.

Summation:

Office clown, Jade, a manic pixie dream dork, is courted by the new intern, Mai. This show is right in my wheelhouse but it fell flat for me. I wish it had lived up to the concept behind the title (if nothing else). If we had done more of Jade‘s family and the reasons behind his self-worth struggles and self-acceptance issues, they might have been easier to bare. Without backstory, the show had no through line. In the end, Jade was a largely intolerable character, and Mai felt flat and lacking in personality. I was disappointed with this show, and I hope they don't blame the pair for the poor ratings. 6/10

My Universe (Sun iQIYI) 1626 ep 19 of 24 - Meh. So dull. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

VIP Only (Taiwan Fri Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - I’m not really interested in the late addition love triangle concept.

Sahara-sensei to Toki-kun (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 4 of 8 - a bit too frenetic and manic for me, this one. Glasses boy is best boy. But I’m kind of confused as to was actually going on with this show. Including whether I like it or not.

I Became the Main Role of a BL (Japan Sun Gaga) ep 1-3 - AKA BL Drama no Shuen ni Narimashita: Crank Up Hen - it should finish airing at the very beginning of the year, so I decided to wait and watch all 3 back-to-back. 

It's Airing But...

Playboyy (Thurs Gaga) 14 eps - Dear Playboyy, it's not you, it’s me… I hate you. You’re about as deep (and as palatable) as a shot glass of cum. While I'm sure you’re someone’s kink, you're my weakest link. Goodbye. I DNFed this at ep 5. Frankly I'm impressed with myself for getting that far.

Night Dream (Sat YT) 6 eps - It’s a pain to track down and I really didn’t like the first episode so… DNF  

The Whisperer (Sun ????) 10 eps - Thai horror BL that ALSO involves cheating (what joy is mine). I don't think even the perfect single dimple can motivate me to watch. Word is... it's terrible.

7 Days Before Valentine (Weds WeTV) 10 eps - Giving me Luminous Solution vibes. I'm waiting to binge if safe.

Dead Friend Forever (Thai Sat iQIYI) - horror, meh, tell me if it's worth my time?

It's done and I didn't, or we can't

Beyond The Star (Weds iQIYI) 8 eps - House of Stars meets Boyband. I was NOT impressed with ep 1. Been told I shouldn't bother. So I won't.

Behind the Shadows (Korea movie) - This is a historical I was interested in, but I've been told they kill the gay so I'm OUT.

[INTERNATIONAL] Cherry Magic (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - yeah Japan put the smack down on our boys. Sadness. You can use a VPN if you like. Read all about it here.

What Did You Eat Yesterday Season 2 AKA Kinou Nani Tabeta? Season 2 (Japan Gaga) 10 eps - will binge when I have a spare day.

Crazy work load right now so no idea when that will be. (End of year is a bear for me.)

Honestly I'm gonna have an epic number of dnf's this year for me.

Next Week Looks Like This

Original 2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED). With the end of the year upon us I'll do an "announced for 2023 but never happened list" soon.

Also my best ofs are coming.

Don't think I'll do a stats round up this year, everything progressing as before.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

(Last week) - sorry, forgot to link it.

It's 2024 people! Round ups are coming!!!! Leave a comment or an ask, if you have something specific you want addressed.

[voltstone]

ERICSON'S WALLFLOWER

or bpd as a twdg fandom essay, & violet's analysis

[Mar.26-29.2024 | 27,991]

Throughout my time spent within the TWDG fandom—since late 2019, early 2020—, Violet as not merely a love interest but a character exists as the fandom’s staunch polarization. And the funny thing?

I get it. A lot.

Much of what I’ve read into this character has been extrapolated from my own experiences, and those experiences speak to an inherent, polarizing chaos. It’s something that’s quite honestly a purgatory to try and articulate—I have tried—, and another bane to hope that people will get it. At least, enough to not just sweep my words under the rug. This essay is ultimately a trial to see if I’ve done enough work with myself, both emotionally and in writing, to be able to explain this to those none the wiser, or to the some who feel the same things, but have yet to hear it spoken with absolute clarity.

Through a fandom essay, no less. Specifically about a video game character who grows on people—Louis promises so.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Nobody really likes to talk about it. Too many times in my life, I’ve had people sweep it under the rug because it is not a pretty thing, in times where I was pleading for help; often, in presence of the wrong crowd, it feels like a target nailed to my back.

It’s intrenched within stigma. And what’s difficult about that is…, yeah. I get why. There’s no mystery to it.

…yet there is so much people do not understand because not talking about it is so much easier, and the joke is, talk therapy is quite literally BPD’s primary treatment.

And so let’s talk about it. Allow me to pull away the confusion this disorder brings, and lay it out—as best I can—in a more digestible manner, through a deconstruction of Violet. I’ll have a little fun with it. However, if this essay reads in a more…straightforward tone compared to the couple others I’ve written now, it should. I’ve attempted to write this in a more lighthearted language before, but it didn’t really get the message across well, I would slip to this anyway, so. Yeah. I will still be conversational, just less so.

With that, however, this is another long essay. I hope you enjoy. :)

[Given the subject matter & the inclusion of my own experiences, take heed. This discussion is sensitive. W/ my experiences, I assure you I'm fine. I speak from a place where I’ve worked through my experiences.]

[Also, to stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale: I reference Louis and one of your essays about him, hence the @. But this thing's real long and about Violet, and stuff. Lol.]

[Briefly, but Exhaustively, to Clarify]

Before any discussion of BPD, then Violet’s deconstruction, a few things.

One. No, I’m not outright diagnosing Violet with BPD. She isn’t diagnosed in the game. I’ve not heard anything by Telltale or anyone associated remark BPD either. None of the schoolkids, for the matter, are diagnosed because it’s not that kind of story. The most we’re given is a narrative that explores their patterns in behavior, and then one…“diagnosis” with Willy. That being the, uh, chronic masturbation. (No, I did not think masturbation would be included in this discussion, but here we are. Thanks, you bug-eyed child.) Even then, however, that was likely a symptom of a larger issue with Willy.

Instead, I like this character. I see a lot of myself in this character, recognize the patterns she exhibits, and I’m hardly the first to associate Violet with BPD—since though she’s not diagnosed…, she is a little bit textbook. I’ve also seen a lot of the fandom misinterpret, preemptively judge, Violet for the things she does.

And I don’t mean the confusion and betrayal players feel should they save Louis over Violet. That reaction is normal. Yes, feel confused and betrayed. Because that’s the intention. What I take issue with, and part of why I’ve wanted to write this for a long while, is the…undertones beneath what is generally said. The opinions, too, that go along with it. All of which, ultimately, feed into the stigma that BPD is so intrenched within. The ignorance, and the refusal to understand both why and how.

So I do this through Violet because I adore TWDG, I’m in a TWDG mood, and, she is actually a phenomenal example to use for discussions around BPD. No, she’s not canonically diagnosed, but, it is better to explain a character by using a researched concept, just as much as it’s easier to explain said concept through a fictional example.

…and myself.

This essay will have a lot of commentary based around my experiences. A lot of this disorder’s stigmatization makes it difficult to find good information to understand what it does—specifically from the perspective of the borderline personality, not observers—, because…it’s just not the same as ADHD or depression, which have been big talking points within the recent years. I also have ADHD—runs in the family. That said, conversations in mental health has its fair share of stigma regardless, it’s just that BPD…does not help itself, largely due to the concepts I’ll be going over.

Also, I am very similar to Violet, down to how we dress, but also in personality. We’re not the same, but there’s enough where I feel like I can explain a lot of this character in relation to BPD. Because it’s a personality disorder. In similar personalities, the disorder will—more often than not—present itself the same way.

This does lead me to a third: as much as I’d like to say that this discussion will be the absolute, universal truth, the reality is no, this discussion will likely have blind-spots. It won’t be universal. For a myriad of reasons.

BPD is, again, a personality disorder. Its expression is entirely dependent on the personality, and the experiences established. So anyone who is not an indifferent/apathetic person, who is more extroverted and not the marginal recluse that I am, there will be aspects of this that won’t align. The rudimentary concepts may apply, but the expressions and emotional processings behind these concepts may not.

This also bleeds into the fact that BPD overlaps with many conditions, and traits of the disorder can be found elsewhere. Which, quite frankly, is fairly standard for most disorders, because it’s about the expression and amalgamation of the traits, not the traits themselves. So, as I discuss BPD, you’ll likely find yourself relating to certain points.

Do not take this to mean that you yourself have borderline.

Well, okay. You might. There’s nothing wrong with doing research, and to evaluate all of your resources. Keep in mind, however, there is a difference between one condition relating to another, and one BPD relating to a likewise diagnosis.

BPD overlaps with many conditions (like ADHD); it shares many traits in others.

The reasons for it includes how BPD is developed, where the development will be alongside other conditions—like, say, PTSD—, or other conditions may predispose the condition—ADHD—, or, or, both.

And then, some of this relatability is due to language. There are limitations in the words I choose, especially when this essay is intended for a wider audience. When I say, I go from 0 to 100, you may know precisely what I’m putting down, or, your 0 to 100 is my 0 to 10. And there will be that barrier in understanding because…we’re different people, with different experiences, living alongside different conditions.

Some of you reading will just never understand what it means to get whiplashed by your emotions at the drop of a dime, where you’re perfectly fine one minute, and then you feel like you’re about to have a heart attack the next because someone said something, and you don’t understand why it hurt you the way it did, but it did, and you’ve already lost your shit, but you don’t want to do anything, but you can’t trust that you won’t… All…with the guilt that it is happening again, and you should have known better, and it’s all your fault…

Yeah. It’s okay if you don’t understand what that’s like. And to be quite blunt, if you don’t, be grateful. BPD isn’t fun for anyone. There are slight blessings, but those are gravely overshadowed.

Given that I do expect a lot of people reading this won’t understand, this essay will be exhaustive. I don’t really want to cut corners, even though certain aspects of my experiences will be kept to myself, and not everything about this disorder can be related to a video game character.

I do want to give it its due. The drafts before fell into the trap of not articulating precisely what I wanted, with the transparency I needed.

…hence why it’s long, but with that, let’s start with understanding BPD at its core.

[BPD, in Experience, as an Introduction]

So. Borderline Personality Disorder.

Boiled down, it is purely the complete lack of, or, the severe impairment of emotional regulation.

That’s it.

That is literally all it is. And in understanding that, it explains (in part) how and why many of you may relate to certain aspects throughout this essay—emotions, and the (dys)regulation thereof, are integral to each and every one of us.

However, BPD is distinct, and I will comb through the how and why in this section. It is quite simplistic when boiled down, but this synopsis implicates everything about a person.

It is also. Not. Bipolar Disorder.

(Yeah, let me just kick this out of the way.) 

Bipolar Disorder is about the brain chemistry, and is defined by manic and depressive swings.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the personality. It’s systemic to the person. Could someone with BPD also have bipolar? Well, yes, which doesn’t help in the confusion, but to be the least bit informative, those instances often imply a specific BPD type (comorbid).

[Further resources will be linked at the end, for the BPD types, relationship with bipolar, and additional elements to come. For the sake of the essay, I won’t delve into this in-depth.]

This nuance—comorbid-BPD and bipolar—illustrates how complicated of a conversation BPD is. Again, it’s why this essay will be exhaustive, but also selective in what it covers.

Including, but not limited to, this kind of nuance.

To embark what a severe impairment/lack of emotional regulation means, it’s important first to establish the working definition of what emotions are—the definition, at least, which this essay utilizes.

Emotions are the reactionary senses of the body. Where sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing are the immediate feedback from the environment to the body, the emotions are the immediate responses to the stimuli, to prompt our actions thereafter.

Our relationship to our emotions is a very complicated one, because…we physically feel our emotions, which can be conflated with the feedback from our environment. Comprehension is also required to understand what, exactly, these emotions are signaling to us, because an environment isn’t just physical. Social, cultural, and psychological environments are included. 

If you ever wonder what, exactly, a dog with the intelligence of a 3-year-old actually means, it’s their comprehension level of their emotions. These dogs are feeling the same emotions as a 3-year-old, and a 30-year-old. But there’s a catch: dogs don’t do the whole language acquisition thing like we do. Language acquisition being the learning process we undergo in our youth, because we are wired to speak and derive meaning through vocal, then visual, patterns.

I say this because a lot of emotions are, physically, perceived the same way, but we use language to distinguish one from another because contexts do matter. And they matter a lot.

Like, what’s the difference between lust and common excitement? They both feel similar, don’t they? But, lust is specific to a defined context.

And in this way, language absolutely contributes to the complexity of emotions.

But ultimately, emotions are just there to tell you what comforts you, and what doesn’t. It establishes what kind of environment you feel safe within, or at risk; the gradient within that establishes what you prefer, what you can tolerate. So the places you go to. The people you surround yourself with. Your interests. Activities. How you want to present yourself. Your morals, and ambitions. Identity and sense of self.

All of it is prompted by emotion, and your comprehension of that—ultimately through language—establishes how you respond.

How we actually navigate this is through regulation. Or rather, the process of self-comprehension, where an individual has to evaluate a situation, their internal reaction to such stimuli (both in thought and feelings), and the appropriate behavioral response. Dysregulation, then, is where that process is faulty.

So as we mature into adulthood, and our learned behaviors are set in stone (more or less; old dog, new trick or something), we’ve ideally learned how to comprehend these emotions, how to use language to articulate them and relay them to others, and find what is comfortable and what isn’t.

People get in the way of themselves, however.

For some fucking reason, we think we’re so fucking smart because we can talk, and we got thumbs, and we, like, stand on two feet. Or if we don’t got two fucking feet, we can build a wheely chair to sit our asses down.

And? We like to convince ourselves that we know better than our emotions, to the point where they’re disregarded. Of course, social contexts, understanding how your actions may impact others—those are all nuances which, yes, our emotions may not respect, but we do.

In regards to when people refuse to acknowledge emotions for what they are…

Piece of advice, from someone with BPD, emotions run like rivers. You do not decide what that river’s water is, how much there will be, and when it will flood. What you can decide is what canals to dig to retroactively contain that river, when to do that, and to establish how to treat the different flooding waters. You will drown if you think you can just ignore them.

Because the funny thing about water? If you fall high enough, land the wrong way, you might as well have hit stone.

In this way, emotions are devastating, and the mind and body has many mechanisms to deploy should an individual be constantly bombarded, and there is a need to prioritize our primary senses—touch, smell, sight… To prioritize a survival.

Take DID, for instance, where often it’s the mind “divorcing” itself into several identities in order to protect and shield the host from further trauma. There are many, many disorders like this where the brain deploys its failsafe, but that failsafe comes at a price.

BPD is, effectively, what happens when one of these mechanisms deploy, but the cost cripples an integral function to the human experience. It cripples the capability to dig those canals, redirect those rivers, and it can even imply a blindness to what kind of water is flooding.

…in many respects, this implies that BPD is, inherently, a disorder rooted in other conditions, just set to the absolute extreme. But when I say “absolute extreme” to someone who has never experienced emotional turmoil, the wrong impression may be impressed. Again, much of what I say may relate to your own experiences, and it’s why I have to take great care in articulating precisely what I mean because…it can be easily misinterpreted. Everybody has had moments where they are not in control of what they feel, and they do things. However, while the instances may look the same, the mechanisms, patterns and history behind them…are not.

Hence why BPD and bipolar are so often confused, because at the height of those disorders, it can very well look the same. I have had manic episodes that look identical to someone in a bipolar episode within one moment. But the differences are the mechanisms, patterns, and history. For these two disorders, it’s what’s actually going on in the brain, what stimuli we’re actually reacting to, and then timeframe. Mania in bipolar can last months; in me, I plummet into mania for minutes, or hours, or days—a week at most. And I can rocket right back out of it, back to an indifference, or into some other extreme.

And those mechanisms, and patterns, and histories are what make BPD, well, BPD. 

We now get to how BPD happens. And though there is some debate, BPD is a developmental disorder. It’s created.

Through a number of factors. Genetics (like a family history), accompanying conditions (such as ADHD, autism, due to the predisposition to emotional dysregulation), past experiences of trauma, and, the environment.

And that’s the footnote version. Because this disorder, while there are strong patterns observed across diagnosed individuals, again has its nuances. Going into what causes BPD will lead you down a steep rabbit hole—in part because it’s dependent on the person, history, and environment, and in part because…, well, there is stigma, and there’s a lot of unknowns. Borderline, as a name, is not telling of what the disorder is. There’s a long misogynistic history to the disorder’s criteria, despite the fact that there’s a lot of men out there that have stunted their emotions, will fly off the handle when their egos are slightly bruised, call themselves alphas, are vehemently loyal to that alpha identity…

Hm.

That’s a discussion for another day. Point being, I cannot indulge this essay into every kind of way a person can land themselves with the disorder. It’s never ending. I have other priorities to indulge. Such as:

What kind of abuse is commonly attributed to BPD?

The answer? For such a volatile personality?

Neglect.

Funny, isn’t it? How neglect—the absence of—is what often causes BPD, of all things. Most would likely scoff, because our world has groomed the idea that the other kinds are worse, and are what creates monsters. Because it doesn’t make good tv, does it? Like the times where I was sat in time-out for…some reason or another, on a bench beside a chalkboard. Upwards to 10 hours of the day—which is a long time at three years old. That doesn’t make for interesting scenes, does it?

No. And because it doesn’t, and stories like their spectacle, media relies on the other kinds. To the point now where it’s necessary for our idled attention spans.

To be clear, this isn’t to demote abuse types outside of neglect, nor is it to insinuate that they cannot coexist within one circumstance. The fact of the matter is, different traumas with different people in different environments will lead to different conditions. There is no worth in proving to each other which trauma is worse or better, because it’s entirely dependent on the people and environment(s) involved.

What I will demote is the common, ignorant insinuation that neglect doesn’t destroy a person.

It’s why it is ironic, how BPD—an explosive thing—is often born from neglect.

How it does such a thing is…complicated. Lucky for this essay, I’ve lived it.

Within the first handful of years in my life, there were many things like sitting on that stupid bench in my room, for hours upon hours. My parents, at the time, were young themselves and fresh from college. My dad was in the military, so he had been deployed, leaving my mom alone with me, and…her BPD. I suspect postpartum made things worse.

Before you assume, it isn’t that she didn’t love me. Quite the opposite, but it was only through the divorce a few years later was she diagnosed. So, she didn’t have the resources for such a disorder at the time. Which made things worse, because part of treating BPD is being aware you have it.

The thing about these kinds of abuse is that…they come from the people you least want to admit, and for me, it had been my own mother.

And, the thing about neglect, especially mine, is that it’s hard to explain how no…, she was home. It wasn’t like she’d leave me like that. But, even so, I couldn’t tell you what the fuck she was doing when she wasn’t in the same room.

I was left to my own devices. I told myself stories with my stuffed animals to pass the time. I was often hungry too, and there are two accounts from family where, upon visiting, they saw this little toddler know how to work the baby-gate to the kitchen, and start to prepare food—sandwiches for me, and I’d pour food for the dog.

I seldom spoke, was borderline mute. Didn’t really converse until four. But I knew what people were saying before that. I did also pick-up behaviors from my dog as well; I would pant whenever I was happy, and whimper instead of cry.

By the tail-end, as I was getting into kindergarten, my brother was born, the divorce was in motion, and my dad would thankfully win full custody, and my mom, visitation.

You see, through those initial years, those mechanisms deployed.

I had to swallow down the instinct that the parent would be the one to nurture, and I had to find ways to feed myself, then my best friend and true guardian—the dog. Had to learn how to work things like a baby-gate. I also had to be vigilant of her, and know what mood she was in.

It’s these two things, working together, which utterly fractured me emotionally. The feeling of being hungry, truly hungry, is not something I wish for anyone. The realization that it’s not because you’re out of food—not until the separation began, and the weekends with my mom were marked by this hunger—, but because you don’t know how to get that food, and the bigger person is not getting the food, so you try to learn but you are still a small child… It’s even worse. It does something to you. Then, having to sacrifice your own emotional nourishment in order to keep an eye on an adult’s volatility is that final nail.

That was the first stage of my neglect. And it was bad. It was a really, really bad situation. My brother only lived with my mom for a couple years before Dad’s full custody. In that time, from when our mother was the only one to take care of us with my dad helpless in a different country, then to switching every week, he developed OCD tendencies, which are still present.

Twenty years later now, it’s been remarked that I was…kinda the best candidate to survive this out of not just my brother and I, but our cousins as well. And I agree. I’m naturally reserved, and even as a kid, I would push back against my mom. It would ignite her, but the fact that I was confrontation said enough. Meanwhile…, I do not know how the fuck my brother would be mentally if he’d been the one stuck alone with her for those three, four years. I don’t know what my dad would’ve come back to whenever he was allowed to be with his family.

And I would not trade places if given the chance. Because even if I’m a black sheep, my mechanisms allowed me to get away as well-adjusted as I could be.

But… Still. Beneath those remarks…, there is a misunderstanding. When my family says I was the best candidate, it’s because they look at me and see a person who isn’t sick. When I say I was, I mean…my brother would have been worse off.

Granted, now that I’m out of school, it’s slowly dawned on them that…yeah no. There is something wrong.

…as I aged through childhood, I didn’t quite understand what the costs of the mechanisms deployed were, but I knew there was something very, very wrong even back then. And I would tell my family. Every now and again, throughout years, I’d raise alarm because I realized I reminded myself of my mom.

Only to be told that I wasn’t my mother, and that I was overreacting. Told me that, “People like her don’t know there’s something wrong—that’s the disorder.”

Come a mere few years ago, and I am told about times where my mother, as an adult not long before having me, would break down because she didn’t want to be like my grandmother.

There was a family history. My mother knew it. However, she was also diagnosed through the divorce, because she couldn’t take care of my brother and I. Highly doubt admitting her BPD was the reason was because “she didn’t know there was something wrong.”

I was told there was nothing wrong. Meanwhile, I would do things I didn’t understand, and experience the world in a way people around me didn’t, …as it turns out.

For one, which is still true now, I cannot cook for myself, in a kitchen, when it’s dark out. I also cannot cook when someone else is nearby, or already in the kitchen itself. I will wait, because should I cook in those times, there’s a feeling. And I can’t stand it. The feeling of—

Oh. No, the feeling isn’t being watched. 

It’s the feeling where someone may be lurking, and I’m about to get caught. This is likely a remnant of times when I was very, very young, and I tried to feed myself, and I…was caught. And she blew up.

There are other behaviors like that, specific to me. Because the body remembers before you yourself.

In the years after my mom, I found myself in the second phase of neglect—the one, I argue, is what actually creates BPD.

And again. For another time. It came from the people I least want to admit.

The neglect, the denial, in every alarm I raised did something to me. Another thing, though given my experiences, it also did feel similar to the first phase. My family loves me, I understand, and I get why they denied. Because they knew about what was happening to me, then my brother, but circumstances had them trapped in watching from afar. A sort of…they didn’t get to me in time. 

My mom was also a nightmare for my dad. So…, to see that resemblance is not something anybody wants to admit.

But still. I was in therapy (to socialize me), but that didn’t last forever, and people kinda just shrugged and thought it was good. The therapy did its job. Without noticing what was happening.

The mechanism that deployed was still there, never to be acknowledged. So it festered. It scarred my trauma over, and now, there’s a great blemish on my mental health. 

And that blemish has a name, and it’s BPD—the disorder cultivated by the neglect of an aftermath. Where trauma struck, and there was no chance given to process it effectively, and to heal.

All of the nuances I’ve discussed before remain to be true. From what I understand, however, is that the primary reason why Borderline Personality Disorder can look so differently on so, so many people, through a range of traumas is…it’s consequence. BPD has its characteristics, the ones that distinguish, because ignoring the recovery after significant trauma presents itself the same.

Now, I’ll indulge in one of these characteristics.

It wasn’t until recent, as I embarked my adulthood, where I realized the core mechanism I had inadvertently deployed, the one that came with a price:

Alexithymia.

Or, emotional blindness.

This in itself is not considered a disorder, largely because (and for the sake of this essay) it is an associated symptom, a mechanism, of many, many conditions. Depression, PTSD, eating disorders, ADHD and autism (again), schizophrenia, and I can go on, and on, and on.

BPD is included, of course.

There are many ways to be blind. Take visual blindness, where it can be an absolute void, a severe impairment, some colors recognized but not all, or, there’s too much feedback at once, and the light becomes illegible. Being devoid of emotions, or apathetic, is the standard; some people may feel a perpetual onslaught that cannot be deciphered, and others could find themselves in between.

Whatever it may be, alexithymia is characterized as the impaired awareness, explicit identification, and/or articulation of one’s feelings. So, as long as the shoe fits, and the person can’t decipher, convey/express their emotions… That shoe’s not on the wrong foot.

In my case, I fall into the standard.

When I was young, I likely stifled my own emotions in exchange for vigilance. It never left, however. If anything, it got worse the more I neglected recovery. Now, I don’t feel much, day to day. I know I experience emotion, and react to my environment, and have thoughts… Yet, the environment is almost dreamlike. It doesn’t quite register, and the people in my life feel like figments unless I’m right there with them, in the same room. I’m indifferent to most. Memories are a lot like this too—not like I don’t remember anything at all, but in the moment, I kinda just exist. I can think and plan about the future too, but it’s that I’ve realized I have to, not that I feel any kind of urgency.

Because I don’t care. At all.

Or, I do, but there’s nothing in here to tell me that. Because my body, also, is quite null. It doesn’t tell me what I feel. I couldn’t tell you in the moment, so I’ll usually resort to, “I’m fine.” And inside this head of mine? Not much. Kinda like static—the tv is on, there’s a lot of channels going, but it’s just…not there. Beyond static.

So as I write this, and write any of my works, it's less of spilling all the crazy thoughts inside my head, organizing them, and more of me spilling an open wound I don't know how to close, figured I don't really want to close it, because I kinda just like watching it spill across the page and see what I'm thinking, and what I can create.

To be quite honest, being a writer in this way does legitimately feel like I'm a blind sculptor.

If all this sounds like a depressing experience, I'm fine. Genuinely. I am. This is actually quite comfortable for me, and it's also me at my most rational. Plus, it helps that I've developed a fairly strong coping means—this writing thing—that serves to be a therapy in emotional comprehension. Another mechanism, really, that is derivative of what I did as a toddler.

I'm also a hermit. I'm content with being reclusive, and to myself.

And again, I’ve already processed all of this. I wouldn’t be writing this essay otherwise.

So how does alexithymia relate to BPD? In what way is being apathetic mean I can fly off the handle?

What does alexithymia mean for an episode?

BPD episodes vary. Depends on the person, and a trigger, and the environment.

In the traditional a switch is flipped, and the person just loses it, it’s via said trigger. A legitimate trigger, not whatever TikTok is blabbering. Trigger as in to a gun, and it just takes one pull, and you’ve been set off.

When this happens—BPD or not—, it effectively shuts down the reasoning part of the individual’s brain, and sends them straight into fight-or-flight. They are in a very primal state, and will react on emotion alone.

In BPD, our brains are wired to do that in (potentially) a very, very short period of time. Can be literally a blink and you miss it. There’s a look in the eye. If you know, you know. It happens enough times to establish a history of this within the person. Forces people to walk on egg shells to avoid this. Because it’s scary. It can get scary.

Here’s the thing:

It’s scary for us too.

Not too long ago, a lot of changes happened in my life, and on my birthday, I was driving, and I wanted, so badly, to just swerve off the road and down into the woodland—the ditches would’ve been steep enough. Woke up that day wanting to. Didn’t understand why, but I also wasn’t asking because that reasoning part of my brain was switched off. That day, the episode wasn’t explosive, but had I brushed upon a trigger, or someone accidentally said/did something, it would likely have been the case.

I was in an agitated state—straying down the line between stability, and not, where at first glance I’m fine, but…the more you look, there’s something quite wrong.

I was also craving McDonald’s. So I went. I sat myself down on my own, and ate my food.

And suddenly… Literally nothing was wrong. Well, no. I was still mildly stressed from moving from college, but, nothing was wrong that day. I was just hungry, not suicidal. Yet…it felt like I was. Had me believe it for a hot minute.

Had I not had the burger, fries, and McFlurry… I don’t know. Had I had access to something swifter than a car. I really don’t know.

This is what the disorder does. This is why it’s scary for the people around, and terrifying for us.

And in those like me, where everything is null, until it isn’t, it’s terrifying in a specific way. Goes from 0 to 100. Can get to the point where I have pain shooting down my arms, like I’m about to have a heart attack, because everything comes down upon me at once. Or, in episodes like the one I just mentioned, it creeps up on you—that agitated state. To the point where I don’t realize I’m in it, just that I’m suddenly hyperaware of everything, and there is something wrong, but I am not asking why because I can’t. So I just do. Quite blindly. And eat because driving off a road is too much effort.

So it gets scary. In those like me, where emotions just aren’t registering, I can’t tell you what I’m feeling until after the fact, or after considerable thought. Which is also fucking difficult because I don’t rightly know what I’m thinking. But given the situation, that could be too fucking late. And if the situation has me alone, to myself?

With BPD, there are triggers we know to avoid because they are related to traumas. There are things that wouldn’t normally trigger, but somehow did because they were the straw that broke the camel’s back, and we didn’t even know we had a fucking camel. And then. Sometimes. We don’t even know what the fuck the trigger was, and will never know.

The last is very common when we’re unaware of our BPD, but…it also just happens sometimes as well. The world’s big. The shit life yeets is limitless. I dunno.

There’s also a humiliation to an episode. I don't know what's going on. I can't reason like I should, and I don't want you to look at me. I want you gone, especially if I have deemed you the trigger. I want to be left alone. Things will escalate, and escalate, and escalate until that is achieved.

And, there’s a guilt as well. Especially when you know you have BPD, because by then, you should know better, but apparently, you don’t.

This all sounds quite helpless, I realize. However, there’s a reason why talk therapy is the central form of treatment for BPD. Knowing how to communicate does wonders. For those with borderline, learning how to comprehend and articulate emotions, and knowing what triggers to avoid, is a long, arduous process, but it helps. In regulating emotions as best we can, and in explaining to people beforehand what to do—or after the fact, where it’s to explain it wasn’t their fault.

And for those without BPD? Being able to recognize the warning signs on a person is detrimental. Because, believe it or not, there are warning signs. Sometimes they could be the split-second before, however, if there is someone in an agitated state, knowing what that looks like means you know how to avoid an episode, and it gives room to be able to console the person beforehand.

As said. There’s a look in the eyes. I know, because that’s what I spent my first few years of life figuring out.

The arduous process also unveils the…ambiguous sides to BPD. The stuff that people don’t really talk as much, whenever BPD is brought to the table at all. 

For this essay, I will spare a glance at identity. No, identity doesn’t have much to do with Violet. However, acknowledging this ambiguous side to BPD establishes just how far this disorder goes, and it tends to crop up when least expected. (It will do so in this essay.)

A disorder of emotional regulation implicates everything, and sense of self is guided by emotion.

So what happens to one’s identity if there’s no guide to that sense of self?

It’s bleak. Or there’s a turbulence. Either way, it’s hard to decipher what exactly you want out of life, and for yourself, because there’s just no good way to tell what makes you comfortable, and what doesn’t. But you still strive to find stability. So you mirror those around you. To blend in and be accepted. By chance, it can extend beyond humans; me mimicking my dog—panting when I’m happy, whimpering when I’m sad—, it was probably so that my dog would console me when my mom wasn’t around. Because my dog (a lovely boxer) was very attuned to me.

The conversation with identity is…just another complicated thing. And this one is harder to articulate, in part because it’s not really discussed by people who don’t have the disorder. As opposed to the mood swings.

All that to say, when it comes to this analysis, the truth is, there’s not a feasible way to explore the nuances such as Violet’s relationship with identity, or alexithymia, because they aren’t spoken aloud to give us enough insight, and by proxy, these aspects of BPD are not what Violet represents. But acknowledging such nuances provides a better understanding in what this disorder means.

Regardless, Violet is a representation BPD in relationships, and the dysfunction of those bonds. How it’s exacerbated within an apocalypse, and then the self-treatment of.

Or, or, Violet has…a tendency to be a wallflower. More or less.

[Ericson's Resident Wallflower]

The Final Season (TFS) is particular when it comes to Violet. It will be evident throughout this essay, the care that the game and the team behind it devoted for her. From the dialogue to her actions, Telltale did well in illustrating this character. I will argue, however, that the quiet intensity in nuance laid throughout is what evoked the need to write this essay.

Because Violet represents something quite thoughtful in regards to mental health—the reality of what a disorder is, and what it can do.

So TFS is particular, and it begins with her introduction, where there’s this need to recontextualize her. Not once, but twice.

Clementine is first introduced to her silently. She follows Marlon out into the courtyard, and Tenn whistles at the wall.

Because on the school’s wall is a girl, and she rises from her lounging at its height. There’s a glance shared between Clementine and Violet, before Clementine speaks more with Marlon. After that, another glance, where Violet turns away—not before the player can spy a bit of intrigue in her face.

Clementine reunites with A.J, meets Louis, before a recontextualization, where Violet (she does talk) snarks about the crashed car, and the walkers that the accident brought to their door.

And it takes Louis to pry a proper greeting from her:

“Ahem. ‘Hello, Clementine. I’m Violet. Nice to meet you.’” “What he said.” [. . .] “Don’t mind Violet. She, uh…, grows on you. I promise.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | School Gate]

Good job, Violet. Way to be sociable.

Sarcasm aside, yeah, it’s a little rough. Violet is overall dismissive of Clementine, save for the comments. To the point where she has Louis introduce her ass.

Now Louis…is a quiet presence throughout this essay, though he is all the more integral to her character. There will be fewer words compared to other relationships, but those words signify a unique dichotomy between him and Violet, one that the other schoolkids—Minnie and Brody included—do not have with her.

And it starts immediately. That dichotomy. Louis is the one who tells Clementine Violet’s name. He is the one who formally introduces the two. Because he knows how Violet is. Ensures to lingers so that he tell Clementine—promise her—how Violet is worth sticking around for.

It’s just that the girl is troubled. So.

Thereafter, his banter is teasing, and Violet is still sardonic. But, she ultimately does play along. In her own way. When in the woods, and the schoolkids are focused on clearing walkers to have Aasim, Brody and Mitch make a safe return, Louis strikes the conversation, Violet scoffs, but can relent depending on the player’s dialogue choice(s). It is important to note that Violet scoffing doesn’t necessarily equate to her being mean; it’s clear through the card game later that…this is her way of banter, with Louis especially. She takes jabs at him. He retorts. Does the same. It’s on equal footing.

The next true recontextualization presents a taste of what Louis means. After clearing the walkers, and A.J socks Marlon, Clementine is left to acquaint herself with the other schoolkids. Mitch and Willy, Omar and Louis, Aasim, Ruby (where A.J apologizes for biting), and Tenn, right alongside Violet.

And those two are tending to the school’s makeshift cemetery. It brief, but Violet explains they lost the twins, and for the hour, they’re paying their respects.

From the wall, then the gate, then here, at their burial ground, it’s as though TFS wanted to scatter Violet’s introduction across her nuances. First it’s a silent couple glances, with her overlooking the courtyard at a perch, then it’s her being a little prick at the gate, a lightheartedness when mowing down walkers, and then it’s…this, a staunch vulnerability to and for her people. In context to the graves, her people being the twins.

All the moments that night thereafter feed into this. The card game goes back to an apathetic, yet also teasing, demeanor. Her shared conversation with Clementine, as A.J becomes an artist draws, it’s again a vulnerability, this time rattled by the fact that the dorm was once the twins’.

Throughout this first episode, Violet’s standing with the rest is shown to be quite reflective of this almost inconsistent preamble.

Marlon is the most succinct when he remarks, in the rain, after Clementine chooses to ask for Violet’s support:

“Violet being difficult. Why am I not surprised?” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Courtyard]

It’s such a blunt statement, intended to dig at her.

Though, there is truth to it. Violet’s introduction overall says as much. She admits it herself when in the dorm, and she finds that Clementine is housed where the twins were.

“Honestly, I just miss having someone around to talk to. [. . .] And I’m not, exactly, like…a people person. You know? I know I sometimes have a habit… Have a habit of being a little bit too harsh.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

Violet is not sociable, so naturally, she struggles to find someone to talk to. But, she is also sardonic—that much we got from the gate, even if it was followed by Louis’ banter which she reciprocates. 

But ultimately, it’s Brody who gives the best context to Violet, and really voices what Louis is getting at.

When Clementine goes fishing, Brody begins a conversation, and within that, she can reveal based off the prompts:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s two key things here, starting with the unsociability that Violet’s demeanor and Marlon’s slight reference.

Then, the revelation that Violet has closed herself off. She’s become distant within the past year.

…it implies that the Violet first introduced to us is not truly Violet, in a sense. It presents to the player thatmuch of her arc with Clementine will be about uncovering her, and really bringing Violet from this depressive spiral. Romantically or platonically so. And these lines are intended to both explain the character, and to incite enough intrigue for the player to follow Violet down her route. 

But it’s rather unfortunate that so much of this character is hidden away from the start, because there's the chance that people glance over her, take this initial Violet as Violet, and decide to spend more time with Louis and follow down his route. Because, for the sake of this essay, it's damn near impossible to really appreciate this character when you don't go with her route.

Same can be said for Louis, of course. But, respectfully...

It ain't about him. So. Moving on.

Playing leader.

When Marlon is shot, Violet immediately jumps into action to protect Clementine and A.J from getting jumped by the rest, and she assumes the leadership role. Regardless of player choice. There is an curious point with her being a leader, though that will be set aside to explore later.

Instead, I’ll side-step, and bring about a piece of conversation upon Clementine and A.J’s return. In this, we gather a very telling side of Violet, one that speaks volumes to her character.

[Clementine] “You’re sitting in Marlon’s chair, aren’t you? You’re their leader now. They’ll listen to you.” [Violet] “They don’t, though. They only listen when they want to.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

Again, we’re side-stepping from the playing leader thing. Violet says that they don’t listen to her—says it like it wasn’t a really a surprise, just a point of frustration. Because, of course, Violet’s difficult. The last leader said so. But also, none of them have stepped up to fill that role. They take issue with her, but none of the schoolkids have really challenged her to take the mantel for themselves.

The silent nuance here is…why is it that she’s the leader? Violet made it seem like she really didn’t want to be at the boarding school—what with the contention between most, then the fact that she’s still in mourning. Tenn appeared like he was the only one keeping her there, but by stepping up in this way, not necessarily.

His presence and her need to protect him is a huge factor. Absolutely. Just not the only one.

We return again to Louis, the one schoolkid with the shared dichotomy. He is the other love interest. Him and Violet are often on opposite sides—especially in regards to everything Marlon.

And yet…, the way they speak about each other when one is taken away says everything about such a dichotomy.

To start, we’ll look at Louis:

“I know I’m always teasing her. Trying to get her to do that one eye roll she does—you know the one. Where it’s like, ‘you’re such a dumbass,’ she has to do a full-body eye roll. I do it because, when I actually do manage to make her laugh, it’s worth it. If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

He brings context as to why their banter is so dogged to tease. Louis does it because it’s reciprocated once he gets under his skin, and she retorts back with the signature full-body eye roll, but also, because he’s striving to reach another side of her, one where she laughs.

Because Louis is a big entertainer. He craves to draw that out from people, so when he has someone like Violet where it’s not easy to do that, it means that much more when she does, because it tells Louis how despite everything, she is there, listening.

Then there’s Violet, and her words for him:

“You know, when I first got here, I hated him. He was so…much. You know? He walks into a room, and it’s like, ‘Look at me! Watch me perform!’ It’s so stupid. But then I realized, under all that, he… He really cares about people, and he doesn’t just feel it, he says it. He’ll tell you every goddamn day how much you mean to him. Shit, he’ll probably sing about it. [. . .] We’ve got to get him back.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She nods to Louis being this big entertainer. Says that she hated it, and that it’s stupid. And yet, Violet thinks fondly of how genuine of a guy he is.

And between these two quotes, there’s a mastery in storytelling, because there’s an active dialogue between Louis and Violet. Doesn’t matter if one is on the boat, and they’re not. Their words parallel. Had they been in the room together, this would’ve been a back-and-forth.

Louis says that he teases her. Tries to get underneath her skin. Violet says that hated it, and hated him, for his antics. Yet, she then admits that…there’s a genuine nature there, because Louis does care, and he will say and sing it so. That genuine nature is the fact that he just really wants Violet to laugh, and to find that side of her.

Because Violet’s his friend. He values Violet as his protector, because Louis knows that she will be there whenever he desperately needed her.

And Louis is Violet’s friend. Which is why, without a word from Clementine, she states, firmly, that they need to get Louis back. Because in that hour, he was in peril, and he desperately needed Violet’s cleaver at hand.

It’s a tragedy, really, for both. When the other is taken, the one thing that each praise of the other is what’s stolen. For Louis, his knight is blinded; he has to be the one to protect her. For Violet, a comfort goes mute; she can sing in his place.

After spending a few moments with Clementine in the dorm, there’s Ruby’s hootenanny, and through that hootenanny, Violet can tell Clementine what brought her to Ericson’s:

“I spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house growing up, what with my dad being a drunk and my mom working three jobs. But after my grandpa died, Grandma just kinda…shut down. Spent all day and night rocking in her little chair in the den. I’d sit there at her feet as we both watched tv, mostly cartoons, since she never seemed to care. Sometimes I could hear her crying, but I didn’t look back. I’d just feel really weird and turn up the volume, you know? “Anyway, one day she left the den and came back with another chair, and a .22 rifle. Set the rifle butt on top of that chair, holding the barrel back to her chest. So, you know…, she had trouble reaching the trigger this way, but she must have known it would happen… Because she took out this really tacky wooden backscratcher—the real long kind with the one end shaped like a hand—and used that to push the trigger in. So…yeah. Bang, right? Her body folded up and just…kept rocking. “My mom came to get me five hours later. I hadn’t moved. She asked why I didn’t call the police or an ambulance or anything. I just shrugged and told her it wasn’t like Grandma was going anywhere…, and besides, I just wanted to finish my cartoons. She shipped me off to Ericson the next day. I was eleven.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Piano Room]

Through all of what Violet tells Clementine, there is still that flare to make the story more interesting for, you know, a video game. It’s a violent kind of neglect she shares.

But it is neglect all the same.

Violet was born to an alcoholic and a mom who stretched herself thin to compensate, yet even so, she later can admit that their home was a trailer—so the income of three jobs, all her time spent away from her mom, wasn’t enough. Perhaps there were financial troubles. The money might’ve been all drained away by cans of beer, or bottles. Violet did have an escape through her grandparents, though that didn’t last, and she was trapped to the same neglect. This time, with a better house. Probably.

Until her grandmother went and shot herself.

…with Violet in the room. Right behind the child.

And? There was no consolation; she was sent straight to Ericson’s, where the apocalypse then struck, the adults left, and Violet…was the difficult one, designated as this wallflower, or buzzkill. There were the twins, Minnie especially. Yet, even then… That relationship likely wasn’t reciprocated.

The flare that TFS adds to why Violet found her place in troubled youth—the violence, which could’ve dashed the screen she watched for those five hours—, it hides much of what went wrong with her, but simultaneously, it defines the gravity of her childhood.

It describes a mechanism of hers. One undoubtedly developed from her times alone with a drunk, whenever her grandparents and mother weren’t there. A sense of apathy, and with it, a broken moral compass. To not mind yourself, and not get in the way. To let it happen, and just get it over with, in whatever way that could imply.

And, with the sheer gravity, it begs the question…, how far did that neglect go? All of the abuse, if it wasn’t the only kind. Children aren’t born to sit in one place for hours, with fresh gore rocking in a chair behind.

The question wasn’t answered, of course. She was sent away instead. Then there were the adults. And then, other schoolkids. Violet isn’t…a people person, you know, so it’s only natural for her to be the difficult one as Marlon says.

Still, however, with Clementine as they watch the stars together, Violet denotes for the bird constellation,

“A bird is free. It could go anywhere it wanted to. Up and up and up, and never come back. Go south, east, west, doesn’t matter. You could fly straight into a sunset. And see where it ends.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

And to that,

[Clementine] “You wish it was you, don’t you?” [Violet] “Sometimes, when it all feels so heavy down here, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be weightless.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet has struggled to belong, and yet, she remains. Yes, there’s the apocalypse. However, in all the years at the school, she could have left just as well. There’s a version of her, lost in development, where Violet does leave had she not been saved.

So why didn’t she?

The answer to that, quite simply, is one Louis may admit to Clementine, should that version keep his tongue, and the silent nuance behind her playing leader:

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave.

It’s why Louis teases her, to try and find that laugh, and why he knows that if he needs her, she will be there to protect him. Violently, with a meat cleaver.

It’s why she takes charge, because Violet knows none of the others wanted to, but they needed someone to lead. Whether or not they appreciated that it was her.

And, it’s why she acts without thought to stand her ground against Marlon. If she’s asked, the camera doesn’t leave her because it is no surprise that she will stand beside Clementine, as opposed to Louis, where he decides with uncertainty, and the camera has him shuffle to frame; for Violet, the change in her face is immediate. The camera doesn’t have the time to idle in tension. What Louis says is dead-on:

“If I needed her, she’d be there. Meat cleaver in hand, ready to chop someone in half if it meant protecting me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Even if she isn’t asked, Violet will then stand her ground once Marlon is shot. She vouches for the outsiders, in the name of reason, and for the twins and Brody.

She doesn’t think when Clementine is in danger—didn’t matter that her and A.J are just exiled. Violet will do as told, trust Clementine—to shoot, or to run.

Takes the helm after Marlon. Backs Clementine every step of the way.

Cannot let Minnie go until she has to, and Violet has seen that the person she clung after is gone.

Violet is too loyal to her people to leave, for her loyalty unbridled.

It’s her strongest quality. It is, also, what marks Violet with borderline.

[Emotional Anchorage]

We slip back to describe BPD at large, beyond this essay and character. However, everything of this section has its place with Violet.

And it begins with emotional anchorage.

Emotional anchors are not inherent to BPD. It’s not unique to the disorder because, instead, I’d argue it is a universal experience. These anchors are anything which triggers an emotional response. These can be specific objects—like an old stuffed bear, a photograph, a house—, or stimuli—like a scent, a song. Tangible things like these are indicative of our nature. Humans like things. We like to collect, and tinker, and destroy. It helps if it’s shiny. It really helps when there’s fire or light involved.

Here's another thing about anchors:

They can be people.

They commonly are. It’s how we distinguish strangers from significant relationships—friends, family, partners. Anchorage is present despite the nuances between friends (just a friend vs BFF), and family (siblings vs parents vs offspring). And, partners—emotional anchorage explains how queerplatonic relationships come to be, because the fundamental element of a partner (being an emotional anchor) is present, it’s just the romantic and/or sexual implications are ambiguous.

Emotional anchoring is the process in establishing the anchor, leaving anchorage as this essay’s way to articulate the concept itself.

Borderline Personality Disorder will naturally encourage these attachments.

Within the community, BPD has a term: favorite person (or FP). It is as it reads. There is a designated favorite for us, and this favorite person can be a friend, a family member, or a partner—anybody, really. With FP, we begin to fall down the well in emotional anchoring as it pertains to the disorder.

Because, ultimately, a FP is either the strongest, or the only, emotional anchor an individual with BPD has. (For the sake of this essay, I will replace FP with primary/prime emotional anchor going forth, to be more consistent in word choice.) And the anchoring of this person is generally not intended. It just happens, where there’s a strike of intrigue, and everything follows thereafter.

The moment I anchor a person, it is a stark change from the indifference/apathy I display to I want to spend all my time with you, and I will literally die for you without a second thought. I will remember everything you value better than I remember my own, and I will present those nice things to you, at every opportunity. Tell me your favorite color once, and I will remember it for decades to come. Tell me to break my nose, and I may very well do it on the spot.

Which. Yes. Is intense.

Understanding the disorder behind it, however, allows me to take the precautions to…warn people beforehand. And to tell them upfront, if ever I am encroaching on boundaries, just say knock it the fuck off, Volt. In exchange…, I don’t take it personally. Because, uh, yeah. I can get intense. I understand. I may feel a type of way in the moment where boundaries are made, but that’s the BPD talking in my ear.

But also, I know I value someone being upfront with me more than a passive rejection. Frustration is what sets me off—the not knowing why—, not the rejection in itself. Because if I don’t know why, that’s how I interpret things as abandonment.

I have been rejected many times in life by people I’ve deemed emotional anchors. And it stung. A lot. Far beyond what I could ever articulate, but if I had to try, they are wounds carved to the bone, or with one, where my heart was quite utterly eviscerated.

There’s a deeper conversation there, with an anchor changing before my eyes. And, yes, it’s ultimately this which the essay will discuss in great detail. Through Violet.

Yet, before that, emotional anchorage is one of the few things that borderline has the chance to gift a person, because it’s not all bad. If you’re like me—where everything is null, and blurry, and static—, having a person suddenly there to awaken my body to speak, sharpen the world, and bring chaos inside my head… It’s a lot. It’s demonstrably a devastating thing, but in a very raw and beautiful way.

Demiromanticism, no doubt, is a reflection of how I express BPD. So to realize my demi ass has feelings, whenever it happens, is nice. …it also means I then have to determine whether it’s that, or a crush. And there is a difference between genuine feelings and a crush, and yeah, I prefer one over the other.

But. (And this can be platonic or romantic.) Having someone be that anchor grounds me, and while the relationship will have turbulence—because the boat I sail is on a river I can’t build canals for—, there brings such a confusing clarity to the world. I have a purpose where I didn’t think I did before.

It’s a high. A borderline addiction.

To not a thing, not a habit, but a person.

When it’s healthy, it’s everything, and I can brave all storms. When it’s not, it’s obsession and mania, it’s my boat trapped in a whirlpool with the anchor at the center of it all; I may break away, violently, or I will sink, and it will be the death of me.

…and when there’s no anchor there at all, I and my boat are to the whim of the river—because there are no canals, I have to rely on my boat to guide me and find an anchor. This can be where people turn to destructive behaviors. Substance abuse. Eating disorders. Everything alike.

Why though?

Why is it this way? Why do people like me sink their teeth and set anchorage like this?

This is where identity creeps its way back.

Because though anybody can develop emotional attachments, to the point of anchorage, BPD again does this to an absolute extreme. My personal anecdote may speak to it without debate. Understanding how identity gets itself involved further speaks to that extreme. BPD isn’t necessarily about the traits themselves, right? So rather, it’s how they manifest, and fester, and the mechanisms behind it all.

With identity, it hinges on what you find comfortable, and what you don’t. It’s guided by your feelings on things, and your comprehensive response thereafter. Passions turn into aspirations. Self-perception feeds into expression. And on and on.

So, if someone does not have a stable sense of self, there is a disturbance in identity. There’s no coherence to the person. Few consistencies, if any at all.

The identity is as stable as your regulation of emotions allow, and if it’s dysregulated, so will your identity.

A broken sense of self fractures a person. So we scour for stability. We do so in people. But with that broken sense, it’s easier to just swap out characteristics and emulate the environment, should there be a promise of stability. When this happens, it can be recognized as masking—because, debatably, it is—, but it can also go so far that people confuse this borderline trait with something like DID.

To those none the wiser, yeah, it might as well be DID. Because, like…, they just change so quickly. And if it’s a matter of mirroring different people, it can also imply that the BPD encourages the person to alter their personality depending on who they’re with at the time. Which. Yes. Has the capacity to resemble switching between split personalities from an observer’s perspective.

However. I have outlined (in quite the broad stroke) what DID is: a split in identities, in order to protect and shield the individual from further trauma. It’s dissociative in nature, where the distinct, established personalities will operate the individual at different times—given the nuances which come with DID.

BPD does come with dissociation as well—my personal experience with how I live day to day is indicative of, for simplicity, derealization and depersonalization. However, it’s not a split. What’s happening is this one identity does not have a stable, set personality. With the incapability to regulate emotions, it indicates a level of alexithymia. So how are we supposed to understand what we want, and don’t want, in everything from interests to moral standing? Things that a personality is grown from?

This copycat behavior is in itself a mechanism that BPD deploys. It’s kinda masking, not to purely to hide from and integrate into social norms, but also to find a sense of self through a very, very desperate act of scavenging.

In BPD, the best candidates to copy are the people who make us feel good—get a high from—, and that we want to be around, and whom we fixate upon—to a manic point: 

Those emotional anchors.

As we go back to Violet, keep this in mind. Again, no, there’s no feasible way to remark for certain what her relationship with identity is like, so the implications that emotional anchoring has on identity can’t really be applied. But the intensity—the level of fixation—can.

Because Violet struggles in her bonds with other people. There’s an idealization present to those bonds, and a devaluation. Both this good and bad, the highs and lows, are via anchorages.

So we’ll start with Minnie.

[Emotional Anchorage: An Obsessive Good Memory]

“Sophie was a good friend. And Minnie… Uh… We were close, me and her.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

When we meet Violet, amongst her introductions, Clementine learns about the twins from the two who still tend to their graves—Violet, and Tennessee. Not long after, there’s a card game, and not long after that, Violet finds Clementine and A.J in their dorm.

The one which was home to the twins.

“Huh. I see you’re, um…, settling in.” “Yeah. Is that okay?” “Sure. I guess. I always liked this room. Sophie had, like, paintings and shit on the walls. Lots of color. And Minerva…, she was really musical. [. . .] She had the most amazing voice. Real bluesy. [. . .] That was a long time ago. After they… Afterwards, Brody and Tenn took down all the paintings. And that was the end of it. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. It’s not a good memory. Guess I just lost my train of thought.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Dorm]

The way she speaks of Minnie, there’s an adoration, and a nostalgia made bitter by the perceived tragedy.

Of course, those twins (…okay, well—) aren’t dead, they were traded. So even though Violet has yet to see Minnie, she is now a presence to her mind that isn’t nearly as bitter. She focuses on getting the school prepared for a fight, alongside Clementine, but through it all, yeah, Minnie is still there.

And when looking at the stars with Clementine, if Clementine remains quiet for the fish constellation, Violet comments,

“Bright, pretty, good with other people. Always moving, tons of energy. Sounds like anyone we know? The energy one is easy. Good with people, not so much. [. . .] Y’know, it… Well, maybe this is weird to bring up, but it reminds me of Minnie.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Minnie is a big part of her, despite their time and distance from each other. They grew up together. They got closer.

Another thing:

Violet never says girlfriend.

The only time where it’s “proclaimed” by the season that Minnie and Violet were girlfriends is through Clementine, where whenever A.J sees the carving in the fishing cabin’s wall, she can say,

“It means they were a couple. [. . .] Violet was Minnie’s girlfriend.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Is it fair to assume that? Yeah. That’s…what carving a heart or potato with initials is supposed to symbolize.

But like.

Let’s be for real. What the ✨fuck✨ does Clementine know? Sure, she’s somehow not concussed after hauling ass in the sky, with a car. But she doesn’t know these people. Point blank.

We don’t know when this heart was carved. Just that it’s V + M (suggesting Violet did it, given the order), it’s out of the way from the school and in the fishing cabin, and it’s just shy from a bed (and alcohol).

Again, Violet herself never says girlfriend.

The heart could’ve been carved with Minnie there with her. Or, Violet was deep in mourning, and decided to brand the cabin—likely because it holds a significant memory.

…and Imma be honest, the cabin has a bed, and it is covered in bottles. Everywhere on the table. Some scattered around. So I will give the benefit of the doubt. Considering the…subtext around the fishing cabin, doing some quick math with my gamer instincts, yeah, if you leave youth (troubled or otherwise) alone, you might get Lord of the Flies, or…exploration. I guess.

It is clear that there was something. There is validity to “[w]e were close, me and her.”

The question then becomes why the ambiguity? Had TFS been made in a different time, and James didn’t have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine couldn’t be a couple, yes, it would’ve been Telltale beating around the bush.

Except even in this moment, Clementine outright says girlfriend in reference to a sapphic dynamic.

Because TFS was not made in a different time, James did have a boyfriend, and Violet and Clementine can kiss and hold hands.

The ambiguity indicates something else. That ambiguity is heightened the more Violet talks about Minnie pre-Broken Toys (saved Violet route). Because she speaks so fondly of her, with almost this conviction.

Yet…she still does not say girlfriend.

This is textbook. Given the essay, and what I’ve already exhausted over, it shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it is quite plain:

What Clementine stumbles upon isn’t a mourning over a lover; it’s instead, at its core, a lasting idealization.

With BPD, idealization is as follows:

“[A] way of coping with anxiety in which an object or person of ambivalence is viewed as perfect, or as having exaggerated positive qualities.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This tracks.

Violet speaks so fondly of Minerva, with almost this conviction, yet she does not say girlfriend. Ever. Because the conviction is the intimacy, but Violet is a pragmatic individual. Though there’s idealization present, referring to Minnie as her girlfriend (for whatever reason) is too far for even her mental state.

Like she mourned Minnie for a year. She gushed about her to Clementine every chance she got. So��why not say it?

With this all established, TFS then allows us to witness how idealization in borderline often corrodes into devaluation—the inverse of idealization, its absolute antithesis.

“Used when a person characterizes themselves, an object, or another person as completely flawed, worthless, or as having exaggerated negative qualities [. . .] because there is often no middle ground for a person with BPD. Feeling challenged, threatened, or disappointed can quickly cause them to devalue the people they formally idealized. Rather than cope with the stress of ambivalence, devaluing functions to minimize the anxiety caused by ambiguity.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

This corrosion has a name. It is splitting.

Like with the previous definitions, I will allow my resource to explain this concept, because of everything this essay has to offer, it is this that the everything hinges on.

“Splitting involves an inability to hold two opposing thoughts, beliefs, or feelings. People who have BPD tend to view others in all-or-nothing [. . .] terms. “This self-protective defense mechanism aims to help people with BPD protect themselves from getting hurt in relationships. By labeling people as ‘good,’ they are able to engage in relationships despite the emotional risks. If they feel threatened, they can then quickly discard the individual or the relationship by labeling them as ‘bad.’ “Like most defense mechanisms, someone with BPD may not be aware that they are engaging devaluation and idealization. Splitting is a subconscious way to protect themselves from perceived stress[, and] reflects the challenges associated with maintain an integrated view of the good and bad in a person under stress. Some researchers suggest that some of the difficulty is rooted in the way the brain, particularly the amygdala and prefrontal lobe, activates in these experiences for people with BPD.” [Verywell Mind | Idealization and Devaluation in BPD]

…again, this essay has to break away from Violet and TFS to provide an insight, a discussion, of what this means for BPD.

I will start by clarifying that splitting from one end to the other is a bitch to deal with. The catch is not every person with BPD is incapable of reading the world beyond black-and-white. I’m one who can, …when I’m not in the midst of an episode. Day to day, I’m apathetic/indifferent—take your pick—, and because of that, I don’t give enough of a shit to really fixate on what is “good” and what is “bad” to me. I take everything as they go.

Because I really, really do not give a flying fuck.

The moment there is any seed of emotional attachment, or anchorage, it changes things. For me, it’s generally that I really adore this person, but they did something that hurt, and it confused me, so I shut down and close myself off. Namely so that I can have the time and space to breathe and process. Because I feel a lot for these people. I’ve gone over how intense that feeling is. And the last thing I want to do is hurt them.

So the moment I get confused, it boils into frustration, but frustration means ire with me. And that’s terrifying, because I don’t know what I can and will do if I’m backed into a corner. Because I know my brain shuts itself off.

The other thing to this as well is…it’s not always such a violent shift between idealization and devaluation. It really depends on how confused I am, the person, and then the time and distance laid between me and them. If there’s minimal distance between me and them, and minimal time between then and now, then yes, it will be explosive. If, say, a year has passed, and I have not seen this person within that time, then the splitting will look very different—largely because I don’t perceive it as an immediate danger, so my brain never shuts off, and I can process in the moment with reason. There’s still significant emotions there, of course, and given it’s still splitting, I do have that shift between the extremes. Difference is,I am able to regulate myself better.

Take note of this nuance, because it is absolutely present in Violet.

And we resume her relationship with Minnie, where we witness the corrosion from idealization, inching towards its antithesis. The process is best explored if Violet is saved, where it doesn’t taken an age, nor a day. It takes mere morning hours.

When spying upon the boat to get their bearings, and formulate a plan, they find Minnie chopping wood. Or, Clementine does, pulls a knife on her, before Violet intervenes. They embrace. Clementine has opinions off to the side. 

Then.

They talk. And Minnie… Um. Well. If Delta was inspired by the New Frontier, Minnie would’ve had a fat branding right on her forehead.

Immediately, it becomes evident that Minerva has no interest in going back to the school. Her loyalty lies with the Delta. And given the prompt, she will have this to say:

[Violet’s in charge.] “Really? The Violet I knew could barely stand to talk to people, let alone play class president. You’re the one who convinced the school to fight back. From where I’m standing, that puts you in charge. Your ‘leadership’ is going to get my little brother killed.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Forest]

Huh.

Not only does what she say about Violet directly contradict what Clementine sees from her, Minnie is also blatant in steamrolling right through the testament, and tells Clementine that no, you’re the leader, and you’re bad at it because you are a threat to my brother.

It’s a little jarring. Because, one, ouch. That’s mean. Mitch died because he ran into a knife, and it was not Clementine’s.

But two, what?! Violet, whose first line to Clementine is snark about her driving, could barely stand to talk to people? Violet. Who stood up to Marlon, cleaver at hand? The one who Louis says (given the other route) will do just that to any threat?

Our Violet, who Clementine gets to know. The one who immediately took the role after Marlon because nobody else did? Despite the fact that, yes, she realizes there’s no promise that the schoolkids will actually listen?

Violet…is openly sardonic, is she not? Does she not confront people with a weapon?

It’s a little jarring, then it’s…dissonant the more you pick it apart. Because what is Minnie talking about? 

I will say, for sure, Violet changed within that year apart. But not to the degree that Minnie implies to us. We have Louis’ words for Violet, and then Violet herself—constantly brings up protecting the twins. And she’s shown she will. Violet will shoot Lilly if told. And Violet, after Marlon’s death, brandishes her cleaver to shield Clementine and A.J from the other schoolkids.

Maybe part of the change was that she vowed to herself that she’d do better after losing the twins. Wouldn’t be surprised.

…but Minnie didn’t like killing walkers, though. Which implies that, yes, Violet probably filled a protector role for her, in regards to the dead.

It’s baffling. I can go on and on and on.

Just as Violet did, between seeing Minnie after so long, and finding Clementine in her dorm.

“The thing is, seeing Minnie… I feel like it should’ve scared me. But it didn’t. The person we ran into in the woods, that wasn’t Minnie. Not really. The way she sounded, and acted… The way she talked about Sophie, and Lilly… I’m…confused, I guess.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

She voices the same sentiment.

But upon various dialogue prompts, the corrosion inches its way to Violet:

[She’s one of them now.] “It sucks, but…I don’t know what else I expected.” [It’s not Minnie’s fault.] “I never said it was. But it doesn’t change anything.” [We can save Minnie.] “You saw how she reacted when Lilly showed up. Those are her people now. And we are not.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I do think it’s interesting that, even if Clementine says to Violet that Minnie could be saved, she says otherwise. Because Violet is pragmatic. Minerva coming back from the Delta is just not realistic.

So through time and distance, and the wake-up call in the woods, Violet expresses an acceptance of this. The fact that Minnie won’t come back. It’s not quite splitting, because…this isn’t a true devaluation here; it’s the idealization ebbing away.

“Minnie…, the real Minnie…, she’s gone. She’s been gone this whole time, and I…have to stop mourning her. I won’t let her take you or A.J. Or anyone else I care about.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

And she admits it to Clementine aloud. Promises her that she, and A.J, along with everyone else, will be protected from the Delta—from Minnie, if need be.

Not only that, if Violet is romanced, she makes a request:

“There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

I’ve always taken this line to signal how nervous, and how new Violet is to this kind of relationship. Because it is new to her. This is the first time where her feelings were reciprocated. She always wanted to try dancing with someone, but for whatever reason, never had with Minnie. And she’s nervous because…she wants it to be reciprocated, and Violet here is gaging a reaction, testing the waters.

In writing this essay, another thought occurred:

This is Violet moving on.

She’s nervous because there is a lot of weight to this request. She’s gaging what Clementine says, because Violet is invested now. All-in. 100%.

It’s not about Minerva—doesn’t even outright say that she never had a dance with Minnie.

Because by this point, through this dance, Violet’s realized just how unreciprocated her feelings were, because now, she has the chance to dance with someone who does reciprocate. And not just in the dance. Clementine’s loyalty extends further than that.

Another detail that I noticed is perpetuated throughout every interaction with Minnie is who she always prioritizes, and how it contrasts Clementine. With Clementine, of course A.J is first priority, and Violet understands that. And she goes out of her way to help with him. Conversely, Clementine helps with Tenn, and the school, and the other Ericson kids. All of which are who Violet also prioritizes.

Meanwhile, the same can’t be said for the other side of that contrast. Because it’s always what about Sophie and Minnie? from Violet, and never what about Tenn and Violet? from Minerva. It’s only ever Tennessee for her.

With the initial encounter, yes. She wouldn’t be asking about Violet because… Violet’s right there. She’s talking to her. However, we overhear Minnie talking to Dorian, asking to have Tenn join her. Not Violet. Then, further into the night, where suddenly she’s singing her own boss music and a red bar just takes up the whole screen, Minnie goes out of her way to claim Tenn.

And then, for good measure, axe Clementine.

But not because of Violet. Clementine gets axed regardless of who she saves, because Minnie…is far, far more pissed that Clementine put Tennessee in danger than anyone else. Including Violet.

The Delta changed Minerva. Yes.

Yet, Lilly never was able to remove her loyalty to her people. Her people being Tenn.

It’s telling, how (in)significant Violet was to her because all I read is…, it is nowhere close to the significance Minnie had on Violet. Because Minnie had other priorities.

She just happened to be Violet’s primary emotional anchor. And with that comes everything Violet could feasibly offer a person.

Here’s the thing to understand with this essay, and what I’m getting at with Minnie and Violet’s past relationship:

Violet anchoring Minnie is not Minnie’s fault. It’s not Violet’s either; a kid isn’t going to understand why they’re feeling a certain type of way, but when it feels nice, they will follow. Especially when the adults responsible for troubled youth are just…gone.

But what this does bring to light is a nesting place for borderline’s stigma.

Emotional anchors, splitting between idealization and devaluation—these concepts are the source for much of the fear against people with BPD. When gathering articles to reference at the end, some articles I pull from r/BPD on Reddit because having resources that are from people with experience asking and answering questions is incredibly valuable. Many discussions in r/BPD related to this (exchange primary emotional anchor with FP) are frustrating. For myself to read, because several are people not with BPD venting, but, I imagine it was frustrating to type out because…they’re venting for a reason.

Depending on the discussion, however, what is said is ignorant to all of what I know of my disorder. I know where it comes from. I know that the emotions behind all of what I do with anchorage are genuine. But then there’s people who vent, or there’s others who prompt a question because they are nervous that their friend (with BPD) is not genuine.

Of course, I can’t promise how other people with BPD are like. BPD is dependent on the personality, and if you have a shit personality. Um. Yeah. You’re not a fun person to be around. Sorry?

Not really, but, you know.

Stigma aside, it is true. I understand the insecurities, and the need to vent. Being someone’s anchor because of borderline is a lot of fucking pressure, and truth be told, it’s like that because…what if you just can’t reciprocate the intensity? After that honeymoon phase, people without the underlying disorder tend to get exhausted emotionally, meanwhile…, there is no cease from the other.

So people tend to draw away. They either do so quietly, in attempt to not hurt feelings, or, they’ll be direct and antagonize because of they stress they’re under. Either way, if the condition has gone untreated, the confusion this brings will then ignite the individual’s borderline. This is where you get insecurities born within the relationship, which the person can then go further and self-sabotage because there is no regulating themselves. You get constant bombardment whenever they feel neglected. They’re overbearing. You feel that their claws are dug deep, and it’s far deeper than you could’ve ever imagined.

Because there’s an anchorage.

If this is what happened, and Minnie entertained Violet, but never reciprocated the magnitude of devotion Violet brings with her… I can’t blame the girl. And given that Minnie was a troubled youth just as much as Violet was, she had her fair share of issues.

Because frankly, I don’t care if she was brainwashed or what, Minnie still killed her twin sister. You know, the one that has been in the same situations, the same environments, throughout Minnie’s life, yet when she saw the Delta, Sophie did not fold. Sophie actively fought against the Delta, whereas Minnie…complied.

Even before they were caught on the raft that Sophie planned to steal.

“One of the girls saw that this was a place worth fighting for, and her tears dried. But the other twin, she could never forget her old home. She rejected every gift, every opportunity. Stirred up trouble every chance she got. She convinced her sister to help her steal a raft and leave on the river. Of course, they didn't get far. What happened then, Minerva?” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

This Parable of Twins is, of course, by Lilly’s word, and yes, she did brainwash Minnie. So naturally, there will be an element here where the details are lost. I buy that Minnie did accept her place in the Delta where Sophie never did, but I don’t really believe that it was just because she saw it was a place worth fighting for.

The reality of Minerva is she’s a very conflicted person, and she’s passive by nature. She’s a good head taller than Violet, yet, when Violet talks about her (and Sophie), it’s always about protecting her. Because Minnie didn’t like killing walkers.

I also wonder if the reason why she’s so passive is because Sophie…might’ve been the one that got her and Tenn into trouble right with her, if she was more combative. As for the confliction, Minerva may have been caught in between—because there’s a combative twin, and then there’s a younger brother to protect, one who’s passive to a fault.

It’s this confliction and passiveness that has Minnie primed for manipulation. She will seek stability through, well, passive means. With the Delta, do as they say.

…and with Violet, it’s let the girl have her infatuation, maybe entertain it, but don’t cross too far into romantic territory because the girl’s a little too intense.

(Of course, Minnie is also the one who was practically dead herself while leading a herd by voice alone, to kill her brother and maybe do a little slashing. So like, she is just as intense, just…in less of a loyal kind of way, and more in fucking unhinged way. Because she also might’ve been the one to instill Tenn’s beliefs.)

Once it’s revealed what happened to Sophie, Violet snaps. She yells at Minerva.

But even still, there’s a slip of that anchorage:

“Who are you?! Fuck survival! Look at what you’re doing! Minnie, please, I just want to talk to you for a second! I’m sorry we never searched for you, for Sophie… I’m sorry we trusted that fucker, Marlon. If I ever thought there was a chance—” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

Following this, time ticks away with a bomb in a boiler, so Clementine lunges for an escape—to get A.J back to her side. And Minnie tries to stop her.

With a knife near-identical to Jane’s in S2. And it manages to gouge a near-identical scar in Clementine’s sternum. A stark parallel to S2’s ending. Except, Violet doesn’t hesitate. The moment she is out of the cell, she disappears into the backdrop, then an arrow finds its place in Minerva’s shoulder not long thereafter.

She does stay at her side, for when the schoolkids leave. Perhaps for closure, if the previous dialogue gives any indication.

Because even though Violet shot Minnie, moved on from her with a dance, and realized that she wasn’t going to return, that anchor is still there. Minnie was, after all, still a significant part of her, and that…doesn’t really ever just go away. The idealization may have drained, but the feelings themselves do remain.

We then look to another Violet, who was taken rather than saved.

“At least here I have Minnie… [. . .] Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And another aspect of BPD, and anchorage, becomes clear:

Borderline primes people for manipulation, much in the same way that a passive and conflicted nature primed Minnie.

There’s a flipside to emotional anchoring in BPD, and it has everything to do with how the disorder forces people to become reliant on their anchors. People who cannot discern nor regulate their own emotions, and people with a bleak, instable sense of identity.

Which is a problem because there are people who’re able to take a person’s emotions, and weaponize them as a puppeteer. They manipulate through any means necessary.

Most, in an effort to avoid being manipulated themselves, try to hide their emotions and keep them out of reach. They suppress them, because suppressing your emotions is how you get the most control, and nobody else.

Right?

Coming from experience, do not do this. Suppressing your emotions is the last thing you want to do.

Especially if you want to avoid getting yourself manipulated.

I felt that I had to suppress not just as a child, but before that, because I was in a fucked situation. And it did this to me.I have no control. Life is a writhing storm at sea, and I just fucking hope I can find an anchor within the storm’s eye—but I know there’ll never be a calm to this storm.

And the wrong people know this. The ones who prey and manipulate to abuse the loyalty I am so desperate to offer, and can pull it from me with ease, should idealization blind me from the warning signs.

When Violet is saved, she sees through Minnie quickly. Because it’s in how Minnie talks. And it’s weird, because Violet also includes how she talked about Sophie, when the most Minnie said was “she died protecting the Delta. A hero” once prompted by Violet’s concern. That shouldn’t have raised alarm, yet…something about it did. To Violet.

So she’s able to let go. Violet still holds the memory of Minnie quite dear to her heart—the one in her head—, but after this, it was more about closure, not bringing her back. And all it took was that one interaction.

But here, back to a Violet taken away, it takes longer. She’s not told what actually happened to Sophie; instead, both Minerva and Lilly feed into a broken trust with Clementine, and condemns Violet back to the girl who sat with Grandma’s body rocking behind her.

Her loyalty blinds her to what Minnie has devolved into, so she goes and tries to stop the bomb, save the boat, and secure a future with her because Minnie is all she knows and trusts.

Yet.

It’s broken when Violet does. Because Violet has her face marred by the bomb. She’s left to defend herself—blindly—as she clambers out of the water with a walker snagged at the leg. She asks for Minnie at first, is led by Louis, and then…it becomes clear what happened when they hear gunshots, clearing away the walkers.

Minnie. Is left. Unscathed.

Well, okay. She does, like, panic and stuff, and then gets bit. So, that explosion had been her death sentence.

But Minnie is not burned. Not like Violet.

Which…implies something. However it happened, Violet was the one closest to the bomb, and Violet was further down the beach, towards the boat, whereas when Clementine, A.J and Louis reach her, Minnie is away, towards the woodland. Getting her ass bit. A bunch.

She either got off the boat at a different (earlier) time, or, she just…abandoned Violet. To defend the last of the boat and her crew. And, probably, to look for Tenn.

Leaving Violet to realize something, and as she struggles to see the world, she begins to try and apologize. To Clementine. Who didn’t lie to her about the fucking bomb on the boat, and given that, it also kinda explains why Clementine didn’t take her sweet time consoling Violet from her episode because. Um. The bomb. 

Whatever it was that happened, it’s enough to rattle Violet to reason. And to snap her out of it.

Within one interaction. (…explosion.)

It’s…the little things like this—the ones that go unsaid—, which indicate Minnie’s sense of priorities, and how even when Violet actively worked to help save the boat, those priorities never were Violet. Before this, she manipulated and lied to her, and (via the alternative path) she never…danced with Violet, despite Minnie being the musical twin. Instead, Violet never danced, but she does sing now. 

Which again has me wonder, was it Minnie entertaining Violet, and/or, if the subtext found in the fishing cabin does indicate this, was it never romantic like how Violet wanted? Just physical?

I’m kinda losing my mind over here?!

There was always an imbalance. Violet always prioritized Minnie, and her sister, and her brother. She prioritized the latter two because of Minnie, and then prioritized Tenn after the sisters were traded off. Prioritized Minnie’s interests—singing, and took it on herself—, and left her own—like the dancing—to…wane in self-doubt. 

And then…, we have Minnie who killed her twin, and then went after Tenn to also kill him. The killing part is, well, the brainwashing and trauma, and stuff, but point being… Violet is still not in the equation. She’s an afterthought to Minnie.

This isn’t to say that Violet and Minnie’s relationship was downright toxic, or abusive, or anything along those lines. All we have is Violet’s word. But given Violet clearly glorified Minnie to herself, her word is unreliable.

What this is all to say is…, it was no mistake on Telltale’s part to have Violet physically blind, or then speak about how she had been blinded figuratively—before reality set in. Down one route, this was done by having the wool pulled from her eyes; down the other, it was the blinding in itself that brought her clarity.

It’s what I mean when I say that Violet’s unbridled loyalty is also her bane. She establishes strong and intense emotional anchors, to the point where should that anchor be lost, she will refuse to let go. And not because she wants to trap herself to that anchor, but because that’s…how BPD is. Attachments like this are really hard to shake off. But also, Violet didn’t know who else to turn to. 

There’s Tenn, sure, but she’s his protector, not the other way around. There’s some of the others—Mitch, Willy, Ruby, Aasim—who we don’t get enough time to really see how Violet is with them. Marlon she tolerates, but there’s a clear strain between them.

Louis— God, there’s Louis, and he’s the one that she is vehement about getting back—indicating that he is yet another anchor for her. Thing is, he was also Marlon’s best friend, and they are…opposites. A lot of conflict comes from that.

…this essay really doesn’t have much to say with Louis and Violet. In part because, frankly, I didn’t really know where I could put him with the points I strive to make. There is absolutely space for him, yet, another thing:

Their words for each other, when the other is taken, are enough. Louis and Violet say everything themselves.

I did give commentary to the dialogue quotes, but it was sparse for this precise reason. I don’t need to get into how quietly powerful their friendship is. Louis is the one who introduces Violet by name. He’s the one that promises Clementine that it’s just her way, because he knows her. If blinded, he’s also the one that she relies on to guide her. And despite Marlon, and perhaps despite even Clementine given the different routes, there is never a malice between them.

Which I adore TFS for doing, because it would’ve been easy to have them be rivals and fight over each other. Especially for Clementine.

But that’s also juvenile, and while those storylines have their place, it is not here.

Never has. Never will.

So there’s Louis. He’s an anchor. Yet, because he is the one grounded anchor Violet has of the schoolkids, not fazed by idealization nor devaluation… That is their dichotomy. It is unique of all other relationships Violet has before Clementine—after Clementine as well, should he be the one saved.

We have Brody. Who does represent a point of devaluation for Violet. The lowest to a volatile relationship.

[Emotional Anchorage: Walking Triggers]

Truth be told, in this most recent endeavor to write Violet’s deconstruction, Brody was who reignited the compulsion. Because there is a deep-seated complexity to what happened between her and Violet, and why it happened. …only for me to find yet another post somewhere that was made by a glanced judgement.

Its criticism wasn’t in any way toxic, which was nice because this fandom…has a mean streak. But it did harken back to borderline’s stigma regardless.

Devaluation is a very ugly mark on someone with BPD. Worse than idealization, in the eyes of many. It in itself is toxic,and this coping mechanism is one of the reasons why BPD a disorder with the stigma it portrays. There’s a dysfunction in the order within our behavior.

That dysfunction, and the subsequent behavior, provokes a defensive ignorance.

Violet is wrong to do this. This is an antagonistic trait of hers, and Brody gets the brunt of it. She had to live with this for a year.

However, making blanket assumptions is reductive, especially in a discussion where it’s about understanding the how and why. There’s a reason why Violet devalues Brody. The path to how it happened in the first place is actually quite apparent. If you know how to read the signs, you can see this happen a mile away. So through understanding the how and why, it’s easier to 1) avoid it entirely, and 2) navigate devaluation if/when it does transpire.

Both Brody and Violet together make one mistake, and the fix is straightforward. Not easy, but straightforward.

Before that, though, we first shall establish a few things.

For one, Violet is…a lot. Don’t let her apathetic demeanor fool you. Just look to the previous section—that alone is enough to prove otherwise.

Along with the apathy, Violet is sardonic. She’s aloof to people when she doesn’t have strong attachments, but, she likewise shows to be pragmatic and reasonable. Which like, same. I wear belts and layer my jackets with vests too.

…and I also know what this kind of character implies: Violet is a little bully. She absolutely has the capacity to be cruel.This is also confirmed later, where at Ruby’s hootenanny, there’s mention of an Erin with braces that Violet would make fun of. (Probably because braces are hard to take off; they are a little goofy in an apocalypse, but also…really unfortunate the more it puts stress on the mouth and dental structure.) Violet then comments that she didn’t know why she did.

I wear belts and layer my jackets too; upon reflection, I did the same thing as a kid. So I have some insight to this which may explain the why here. Given how Violet speaks of this schoolkid, I’m willing to bet that Erin wasn’t someone who Violet had strong emotions for, one way or the other. She likely was pretty indifferent to Erin.

So, if that is true, Violet being a bully here comes from a place of 1) being apathetic, and not reading social cues like she should’ve, and/or 2) Erin was an outlet, but not a personal one. 

Snide comments, and other slighted behaviors like this, they do not register. 

Nothing clicks up here, behind my eyes. The comments are too brief to. So where this lashing out is coming from, it happens so swiftly that, by the time it leaves the mouth, I don’t know where it came from. There’s not much feeling to it. It was an impulse. So I just continue on my way, and never consider why.

In this way, there’s no malicious intent, it’s just cold. But outwardly, cruel.

A lot of times, to me, it was just play. 

This is how a play with you. I make fun of you; you make fun of me. If you get hurt by it? Well. That sucks. Anyway—

Which, yes, is toxic, and I’ve realized, and I’m an adult now and I…don’t do that. Kind of. Social cues are a thing now, and I’ve gotten myself more aware of people. But I still do like poking fun, with the full expectation that it’s dished back.

Granted, I don’t know just how much of this applies to Violet. She has her insecurities, and is nervous when bringing herself to the table. And I am definitely not that—it’s not a confidence; I don’t care enough to be confident, I just do my thing.

But. This does establish a pattern with Violet, and with BPD, the disorder reflects the personality. There are common traits to BPD, but the expression of those traits varies depending on the person. For someone like Violet, who is already rather cold, this means any trait of BPD which stems from a cold demeanor will be present, and elevated. To borderline’s extreme.

Or, because Violet already can be cold to people, where devaluation is concerned, her personality makes it ten times worse. It doesn’t end. She makes comments—except, now, because there is significant emotion behind the comments (to Brody), it is to sting. It is cruel.

But…, it’s also complicated.

The bond between Brody and Violet is first made to be antagonistic, and Violet’s the one who perpetuates. Unlike the night before, where she with Clementine had a nice banter going in the dorm (if a tad guarded), Violet on the way to the cabin is hostile. Her words aren’t aggressive, but they’re instead dismissive at best, scathing at worst.

Brody does push back a little, and tries to brush it off, but it’s quite plain on her face that this does get to her.

In the cabin and away from Violet, Brody gives the context. It’s not just the words themselves hurt, it’s the fact that there’s a history there.

“Hey…, about Vi… I’m sorry she’s being a little mean. It’s my fault. [. . .] I was there when those walkers killed Sophie and Minnie. They were really close with Vi, and…I think she blames me for what happened to them. I mean, how do you even apologize for something that fucked up? I don’t know. Maybe I deserve it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Violet is hurt. Brody’s guilty.

Then, there’s a second, damning piece of history that explains why Brody, of all the schoolkids, gives the most insight to Violet’s mental health, and why this is happening.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

In the same way where it was textbook idealization for Minnie, this is textbook devaluation.

It’s made complicated because they were friends—good ones, considering they’ve been stuck in the same place since the outbreak—, but now there’s a negative connotation. That being the twins.

And remember, devaluation is an avoidant mechanism. Ambivalence is confusing, and that agitates a borderline personality.

Brody can then explain more, depending on the prompted dialogue:

[She’s…intense.] “She’s always been a little bit like that. But after the twins died, she really closed up.” [It wasn’t your fault.] “Still, I was the one that had to break the news to her. And ever since I did, she’s become distant.” [You should talk to her.] “Yeah, right. I tried, I have. It just never seems like the right time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

Once again, Violet is distant where she wasn’t before.

But we also get a further confirmation that Brody is the one with the negative connotation, and it’s because she was the one who had to tell her. …which in itself is an interesting choice of words, but we can assume Marlon pressured her once the conspiracy is revealed.

Then another confirmation, to the fact that opening a conversation has not been feasible.

Turn to Violet, and she first says this:

“God. Sometimes she just gets on my last nerve, you know? [. . .] I mean, it’s— It’s not like I hate her… I just… ‘I wish we could all go on a road trip together.’ God, she’s so…ugh. You know? [. . .] I don’t know what the problem is between us. With Brody…, I don’t know why it’s like this. Why is it so weird? I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

All of this is telling. Violet is very animated here, both in how she says it, her shifting tone, and what she’s saying. First it’s a comment. Second it’s admission. Then there’s that sardonic tongue, an ask to gage whether or not Clementine understands, before it all breaks and she goes back to admission.

The last couple lines say something crucial to know when understanding the dynamic here. And if a player is impatient with dialogue, they will miss these.

I can never relax around her. It just keeps getting worse.

So Brody is a walking trigger.

Within the bounds of splitting to devaluation, this happens when an emotional anchor develops a level of ambivalence, but because anchors do not just go, the anchorage is instead insecure, rather than the source of stability once relied upon.

Yes. Brody is another of Violet’s anchors—just not the primary one.

And what it means to be a walking trigger is…devastating. Not just for Brody, but for Violet as well. She doesn’t have the support Brody gives her anymore. Can’t trust it. Because every time Brody walks in the same room, Violet cannot relax. She is agitated.

Don’t take this to mean in a figurative way.

It is literal.

Triggers rise from people an emotional response. In BPD, this often means that the brain will shut its reasoning off, and prioritize this “survival” instinct. Fight-or-flight.

So when Violet says, I can never relax around her, this isn’t a oh I’m nervous, I don’t know what to do. This is I cannot function when she’s in the same room as me. Maybe she’s hypervigilant around Brody. To the point where Violet cannot stand Brody anywhere near her…

So she sabotages. She’s cruel to Brody in the comments she makes. She does not allow Brody to get close, because it is too much. Rather than a calm, reasonable state of mind, Violet feels things. A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing—Brody’s there.

And the easiest way to stop it is to push Brody away.

And, and, initially, blame the girl.

[Because you blame her.] “Well, that’s what I used to think. I just keep thinking that things might have ended differently if I was there. Maybe I could’ve protected Soph. And Minnie…” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

There’s a confliction here. Violet did blame Brody, until she realized it wasn’t that. Instead, she blamed herself.

It’s the following prompt, however, that gives the best clarity to Brody and Violet. The prompt,

[Because she never said sorry.] 

where Violet tells Clementine exactly what the trigger is—because by this point, a year later, she’s figured out how to articulate what it is:

[Violet] “She tell you that?” [Clementine] “More or less. She wants to talk about it, you know.” [Violet] “I just… I feel guilty about the whole thing.” [Clementine] “Why?” [Violet] “I was supposed to be out with the twins that day. I wanted to work in the greenhouse, so I asked Brody to cover for me. But then… I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I… I wanted to talk to Brody, to tell her I didn’t blame her for what happened. But every time I tried, I was reminded of who we lost. It was easier to just not talk about it.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

If BPD isn’t a lonely experience, or a humiliating one, it can be a guilty life to live.

Violet expresses why losing the twins hurt as much as it did: there was never closure, and she blamed herself. Hence why, earlier, I suspected that seeking closure was what kept Violet at Minnie’s side after shooting her.

She was finally saying that goodbye, regardless of how the interaction itself went.

But it’s what she says about Brody.

Violet wants to talk. She has wanted to. But Brody’s a walking trigger. Every. Single. Time that Violet tried to talk, the same turbulence arose. In BPD, without that regulation, it is unbelievably difficult to talk when…your body’s actively flipping the fuck out.

A cold pit in her stomach. A dwelling ache in her chest, or a knot in her throat. Can’t focus on what she’s doing.

Of course she found it easier to just not talk about it. That is an instinct ingrained by borderline.

BPD is a lonely experience every time you lose an anchor this way. The disorder is humiliating because you do not want people to see you like this, when you’re in the midst of an episode, and you have no fucking control over your body, so you yourself are flipping the fuck out.

And it’s guilty. Because when you’re in Violet’s position, where you know the reason why, you know what you want to do, but your body works against you at every turn…

It devastates a person.

Because it is your fault. You did this yourself. Reap what you sow. You’ve done it again, it’s humiliating, and you are very, very alone because you just cannot stop burning bridges.

…in the apocalypse, being chained to a boarding school does not help. There is no way to give the time and space someone like Violet needs to think, and to process, and to let those emotions relax. Brody kicks up those emotions whenever she’s around, and the dust just never settles.

Violet trapped herself in a cycle. By the hour, or by the day, for a year, it would’ve been a ceaseless agony.

One that did scar over. Violet probably got used to it, and found a routine to the snide comments. It wasn’t like Brody was leaving anytime soon.

Until she does, and she suffers a disorientating last few moments.

I’d like to think they made amends and had a full conversation. I don’t know, however. But, at least Violet does take the first step when walking from the cabin, and she entertains Brody’s fantasies about a road trip, and that she would’ve had her sights on the Grand Canyon.

Because the one mistake they made was they never talked. It wasn’t going to be an easy thing, but it is that straightforward. So when they did, or began to, the devaluation began to ebb away.

Then, a tragic irony.

Brody’s guilt was never just I’m not Minnie, so she hates me, and it’s my fault. Rather, Brody’s guilt was warranted, and quite honestly, yeah. She should’ve be guilty, because it’s I watched as my leader gave this girl’s world away, and did nothing, lied to her, to her face, for a year.

Violet didn’t know this at the time. So for her, Brody was a point of devaluation because it’s her mental health actively jeopardizing things, not the truth and circumstance. The deception, in the conversation of that mental health, instead plays itself like salt to a wound, and then a tragic irony once Brody was murdered for it.

Because Brody knew they had to tell people. If the path to mending their relationship was encouraged, then it could be read that it gave her the inch to confront Marlon. If otherwise, Brody wanted to tell everyone because she needed to, despite what turmoil the truth would’ve caused Violet.

By the time Violet does know, and there’s a funeral, she says this about Brody:

“Brody, she was… She was real sweet. She had big dreams. And we all knew they wouldn’t come true, but we didn’t care. And we didn’t care because when she was talking, whatever she said seemed possible. [. . .] I don’t know if she found the place she dreamed about, but I’m gonna miss her.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

There’s forgiveness. With Brody died that devaluation.

Not a moment thereafter, however,

“Marlon was… I can’t. Not for Marlon. After what he did to the twins and Brody, I—”  [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Courtyard]

The cycle continues.

Now with Marlon.

If Violet devalued Brody, she absolutely vilified Marlon. Because not only was it about the twins, there’s also Brody.

So of course she didn’t give him any peace after the fact. Why would she? Marlon had his own complexities, yes, but those complexities hurt. They brought another ambivalence.

As the essay rattles from the schoolkids, we’ll discuss another relationship now. A new, fresh one. Clementine, through who we see all of it—the emotional anchorage, the idealization, and devaluation. The splitting between. How intense Violet can be, and how volatile.

We have Clementine, who is given the chance to witness what Louis means for this wallflower, and that she grows on you (he promises so).

[VIOLENTINE: The Ship, and its Anchorage]

Platonic or romanced—the difference doesn’t matter in this essay. The shift of context between friend and more than that is just that: a shift in context. Distinguishing the two will have its moment, but it is hardly integral to the fact of the matter:

Violet anchored Clementine, and she did it swiftly. (In record time, dare I say.)

In regards to the arguments against romancing Violet, there’s a lot of people who look to Minnie, then back to Violet, and point to Clementine’s “girlfriend” dialogue. “Violet’s not over Minnie,” is a common one, right alongside, “Clementine’s just a rebound.”

Now. I’ve spent 5.5k words tearing those arguments to shreds in one section, and I still have with me another few things to say about Minnie and Violet’s relationship up my sleeve. In light of Clementine and Violet’s relationship.

Because even though I do buy that they were closer than friends arguably would be, they weren’t girlfriends. It’s why Violet was insecure within their relationship, and why that insecurity devolved into a strong case of idealization. Violet genuinely did love Minnie. Her bond with the twin will honestly forever be there, but that bond wasn’t unconditional. The conditions were at the cost of Violet’s mental health.

Then there’s the rebounding, and I will use this as a jumping off point regardless of relational status.

Rebound relationships are defined by a partner still with a previous relationship’s baggage. They’re not done healing. They haven’t quite let go. It gets in the way for committed relationships where the expectation is that both are in it 100%, and that person just…can’t. Because they’re still fixated on the last partner.

…which yes, does sound like Violet. Cuz it kinda, sorta, frankly is.

However. For one thing, this dynamic doesn’t just apply to a Violet route opted for romance. The rebound applies to a platonic dynamic, in part because I don’t frankly believe Minnie was a true girlfriend, and in part because idealization is not specific to partners. Especially in what we see in TFS, Violet needed to let go of Minnie regardless.

Then there’s the fact that being a rebound isn’t always bad. To rebound, which is where the term “rebound relationship” derives from, means for something/someone to bounce back. Or, it can mean a kind of backfire. Both uses of the word can be applied to relationships like this, which, yes, is why they’re fickle, and why people do their best to avoid.

Here’s the thing: Violet needed a new relationship to pull her out of the old one. Because Clementine is a catalyst for Violet, and she was anchored so quickly because whether Violet herself realized, she did want to move on. She couldn’t, but through Clementine, she got the chance.

And I do confidently say that she did want to, because by one interaction in the woods, Violet is disillusioned from Minerva immediately. She’s snapped out of what image she had of her, and is the one that remains realistic where Clementine can offer supporting words—along the lines of we can get her back.

It’s why Brody, through the cabin’s conversation, observes the same.

“We all used to be friends. Guess I kinda just missed that. But when you showed up… I don’t know, I just haven’t seen her warm up to someone in a long time.” [Ep.1 | Done Running | Fishing Cabin]

I find it interesting that Brody picks up on Violet taking to Clementine so quickly, and is able to read enough into this to try and see if it’s enough of a push for Violet to start healing. She’s right, it is enough, and Violet does take a first step in mending their relationship, and breaking away from the devaluation that was arguably heightened by her idealization of Minnie.

…granted, it’s dependent on player choice. There are Violets running around out there having fished with Clementine, but never did reconcile with Brody.

In any case, I am going to argue against Minnie being Violet’s ex because 1) who the fuck cares, I’m not concerned over purity over here, and 2) it’s likely they weren’t exes at all.

However, I won’t fight against this being a rebound. It is. But, Violet’s arc is about learning how to let the fuck go, she has a problem with letting go, so of course the relationship would be a rebound by proxy. A healthy rebound, at that.

By the time she is forced to let go of Clementine, after two newcomers are voted out, her attachment is made quite plain the moment Clementine is in danger within— What, five minutes, and Clementine is at gunpoint?

Regardless, Violet is there, bow at hand, with Louis behind her. She is ready to shoot, and it is no bluff. Violet will if prompted. Or, she will run should Clementine prioritize getting the two out of it.

Because Clementine’s already anchored. Violet trusts her to make the call, and she will follow without hesitation. Later on, after a weary night with A.J shot, then a morning of crawling back for medicine, Violet calls for Clementine to talk in the office. And in there, the anchorage is confirmed further:

“What happened out in the woods… I saw they had you pinned, and I… Shit, I got so crazy. “I know you think I didn’t do enough for you and A.J, but when I saw you were in danger, I had to do something.” / “When I heard you call for help, I didn’t even think.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Office]

The second line is dependent on whether or not Clementine blamed Violet before, as her and Louis walked the exiled to…exile. And stuff.

But, her account as to why she ran right for Clementine, and pulled an arrow on Lilly says everything I got so crazy, I didn’t even think, I had to do something. Clementine roused a trigger.

This time, in a very good way. Well, as good as the circumstances. In any case, this does count as a trigger because it’s inciting an emotional response, and given Violet’s wording, a fight-or-flight. (I realize triggers are specific for negatives; for the sake of brevity, I don’t care. I still say it counts.) It’s the reason why, before, when I detailed how I personally get with my anchors, I do similar things. No, not literally pull an arrow on someone, but I act on impulse without care, because I just want to satisfy their needs to the absolute fullest. It’s genuine, but it’s also triggering—under a positive connotation.

After this, of course, we push into Violet leading the school as they prep for an attack, with Clementine right alongside her. Whatever happens during this time is unknown, just that the school built-up the walls, laid their defenses, and focused on instruments to help, such as traps and explosives. Shortly after the time-skip, of course, we get the belltower sequence.

Starting with an inquiry:

“I know you came back for medicine, for A.J, but after that, you could’ve just left. Avoided all the bullshit with the raiders. Why didn’t you? Sorry, I know that puts you on the spot. You don’t have to answer. We’ve all got our reasons.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet asks something that has likely been on her mind for a while, but then… Not backtracks, but she does relinquish the pressure for that answer.

As their time at the belltower continues, it’s clear where the question came from.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just…talk so much. It’s just, I’ve watched people leave before. Family, friends. They never come back. But you did. And now I can’t imagine what it would be like if you weren’t here. Um. Shit, that sounds so much dumber when I say it out loud. You know what I mean.” [Ep.2 | Suffer the Children | Belltower]

Violet’s hesitancy to speak her mind, be vulnerable, is interesting, particularly because it’s about doing so too much. It’s a very specific one, with ambiguous implications. This could be an anxiety she put on herself, or, this was something that she took after a mention that she was talking too much, getting too personal, one way or another. Then there’s also another thing, where it sounds dumber than she intended. As though when speaking her mind, Violet has an idea of what to say, but she doesn��t know quite how to articulate it.

This is a really good line of dialogue, so that latter insecurity is just that: an insecurity.

Nevertheless, this speaks volumes because it’s the first verbal admittance to an issue with abandonment. All the adults left her life, and never returned. Those include her parents, who never tried to get back to the school. Her grandfather died, so not his fault, but her grandmother shot herself right behind Violet. Which is abandonment, and really fucked to do. The teachers of Ericson’s…

Then fellow students. Most probably died, including Brody. And the twins were taken away.

Abandonment is a huge thing.

So we turn to the route where Violet is taken. And it’s not good. Violet reacts as predictably as this essay has outlined.

[Clementine] “Vi? What happened? Are you okay? Violet, talk to me… We’re here to take you home.” [Violet] “I looked for you. When they grabbed me, I saw…you let them take me. I’m just supposed to forget that because you’re here now?” [Violet, if platonic] “Some fucking friend you are.” [Violet, if romanced] “Some fucking feelings you had for me.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

Here we have now a fresh faultline within her and Clementine’s relationship. It brings ambivalence. Upon seeing Clementine, she’s plunged into an episode.

And Violet splits. Her image of Clementine is distorted, so she falls back to the same pattern she did with Brody, and she is hostile.

[Clementine] “What’s wrong with you, Vi? Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.” [Violet] “No, Clem. I’m done. This whole situation is so fucked! At least here I have Minnie…” [Clementine] “You mean the Minnie that betrayed us?” [Violet] “Don’t act like you know her. She tried to escape. Her and Sophie. They said if I fight back, they’d kill Minnie. Or one of you. All you’ve done is get us hurt or killed. If you fuck this up worse, I’ll stop you myself. And don’t think I won’t. I’m not losing her again, or anyone else.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

We also have Violet manipulated on top of that, led instead by Lilly and Minnie’s word, not Clementine. Because BPD primes people to manipulation, especially in times when they’re at their most vulnerable. But, throughout these interactions, we do see Clementine attempt to console her, and talk.

Violet, however, is not open to. She is not in the right state of mind. This is a BPD episode, so Clementine is not able to get through to her here. Violet does not trust her—too much ambivalence. Mitch’s death is fresh on her mind, she’s been lied to by Minnie about what happened to Sophie, and with that lie, she was told that more people would die if they did not listen.

And of course, the more time is spent, Clementine starts to get frantic as everything escalates because there’s a fucking bomb ticking away in the deck down below. So there comes about an urgency, and she can’t spend that valuable time consoling Violet.

So she starts chipping away at the door. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! You’re gonna get us all killed!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

And Violet does precisely what she said she would do, and she attempts to stop Clementine herself. Because there’s Minnie again, but she also doesn’t want anyone else to die either.

Lucky for Clementine, she is stronger, and she is able to overpower Violet within a minute. However, in trying to get the cells unlatched, then to find her way to A.J, she herself is overpowered by Minerva. The urgency and stress associated backs Clementine to a corner. She still doesn’t want to see Violet hurt, so, she explains,

[Clementine] “We planted a bomb on the boat!” [Violet] “Fuck you, there’s a bomb! Mitch is dead! You just… Fucking go!” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Brig]

…and again, Violet does not trust her. Mitch’s death is still fresh on her mind. Everything that Lilly and Minnie fed to her is still present.

Then, the bomb goes, and it takes Violet’s sight with it. Even on the beach, she asks for Minnie, amidst confusion because, somewhere down the line, they got separated. Louis has to be the one to support her. By this point, and some beats after, it feels like this is another Brody. Like there’s no turning back, not until a long, long year where Clementine would be in the same shoes.

Minnie makes herself known, though. She’s off in the woodland, with her people. 

And that is when this Violet has the wool pulled from her blinded eyes, because she realizes what happened.

The moment is brief. It’s very easy to miss. Yet, the attempts Clementine gave on that boat to console her, before the urgency really began to set in, was not fruitless.

Violet tries to apologize:

“Clementine? The stuff I said on the boat, in the cell, I, uh…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Beach] 

It’s not the right time for it. The schoolkids need to get off that beach, but this brief moment is huge.

The thing about episodes is, yes, in the moment, the individual is not consolable. There’s no reasoning with someone who is shut down. However, the attempts to try and console, and/or any verbal promises to leave the door open for when they’ve calmed down, the effort can be recognized and appreciated.

Once Violet snaps out of it, that’s precisely what it was. She understands that Clementine was never trying to hurt her, nor did she come to her disingenuous. Clementine was there to bring her back, because the situation was exactly as Violet herself said—fucked.

But still… Clementine was there to bring her back. 

Either way, Clementine proved herself to Violet, because down this route, she left twice, and came back both times.

Of course, the night does not end there. Clementine loses a leg. Another schoolkid is gone.

So through the weeks thereafter, Violet gave herself the time, and then, she tries again with the apology:

[Violet] “I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Clementine] “It’s okay. You went through hell in that boat, and I let that happen.” [Clementine, if platonic] “I’m just glad we got you out of there.” [Clementine, if romanced] “I’m just glad I got you back. I was so worried I’d lost you.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

In this apology, Violet articulates the position she was in, and admits the kind of influence Minnie was to her—not a good one. And in turn, Clementine acknowledges her. She doesn’t demean Violet for what she did. On top of that, she expresses how she’s just happy that Violet is there in the moment.

This route is bittersweet. We have the beginning, where Violet is guarded, then she warms up to Clementine, finds an anchoring point, and acts upon a fierce loyalty. Which then is hurt when Clementine chooses to save Louis instead. The time on the boat is very bitter because…the truth about borderline is, yeah no, it does not care who the person is to the mentally ill. The disorder is a disorder for a reason. It will hurt, and it will put a strain and test a relationship.

Then you just have the big fuck you axe where Minnie…effectively was the one who managed to wound Clementine, have her get bit, and then lose the leg. Which isn’t really how an eye for an eye goes, but that’s what this route goes with.

But then…, it’s sweet. Because Clementine did the right things, with what stress she was under.

She tried to talk to Violet, and in doing so, she left a door open for Violet to crawl back through when the time was ready. It was sooner rather than later for her, since Minnie… Whatever. However, it’s an apocalypse; a boat was just blown the fuck up. So while it was the time for Violet, it was not the time for literally anyone else. Ergo, a second attempt, to which there was resolve.

Clementine and Violet did not make the same mistake that Brody and Violet did.

And that’s what saves the relationship.

Now, let’s waltz all the way back and save Violet, just to show what Clementine and her do right to build a healthy connection, whereas her and Minnie went wrong. To do this, taking a brief visit to the romantic will help in dissecting an evolution found as the episodes progress.

After the bits of dialogue in the beginning of this section, Clementine can choose to confess her feelings for Violet. It can be solidified by a kiss, or a question for a relationship, or…a meek silence, to which Violet is able to read and feel the same. Clementine can also express confusion, in that she needs the time, but express the interest all the same.

There’s a sweet moment here, and with the kiss, it can also be a touch awkward because…

Okay, they kind of flounder. Violet more so. Which is interesting to note, because Violet “supposedly” was in a relationship before. Sure, the moment on its own doesn’t mean an experienced person wouldn’t be any less awkward, but with the following steps in their relationship, it does support the suspicion this essay has in that she never had a reciprocated, romantic relationship with Minnie.

The moment where Violet asks Clementine to dance, and is nervous to do so, is one of those steps in the relationship:

“When you told me you have feelings for me, I was shocked. Then I started thinking. There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with someone I cared about. And I never have. [. . .] Have you ever danced with anyone before? [. . .] Do you…wanna? Just us. No one else around. I mean, I know it’s kind of weird, but it’s something I’ve always wanted to try.” [Ep.3 | Broken Toys | Dorm]

It’s a step in way of romance (Clementine even remarks after how they’re getting better), but it’s also a step in Violet’s confidence in being vulnerable with someone. She’s still clearly anxious here. Violet still has some of that self-deprecation, and it comes back if Clementine rejects the offer because the idea was stupid, or something along those lines.

But she still does ask. And it’s a big ask, because this is important to Violet. So if Clementine reciprocates the dance, it’s yet another sweet moment, and it builds the confidence within for this relationship further.

Before the night, Violet can tell Clementine how she got to Ericson’s. Then, through the night itself, she backs Clementine every step of the way. Shoots Minnie. Escapes with the schoolkids, only to come back and find her with Tenn and A.J, safe and sound.

During their walk, Violet opens up again. This time, there is none of that self-deprecation, and Violet even gets choked up—but she’s not really ashamed for it, she just continues and says her piece.

“While we were looking for you guys, and I… I thought you might be…gone for good…, um, shit. I was trying to figure out what I’d do if you were gone, and I realized how goddamn stupid I was. About Minnie. For a whole fucking year. I was so wrapped up in losing her and Sophie, I pushed away everyone who tried to care about me. Marlon, Brody, Louis. Even you and A.J. I tried my damnedest not to care about either of you. And I still couldn’t tell you why.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

She admits everything. Is so very open to Clementine, and tells her what is on her mind. There’s Minnie. There’s what she regrets.

[You were afraid] “I was a goddamn coward. I’m not a coward anymore.” [I’ve done the same thing.] “And then you wonder why you fight so hard to stay alive. I don’t wonder anymore.” [You cared about me.] (Platonic) “I didn’t expect to find a friend like you, not ever again. But I’m really glad I did.” / (Romantic) “Yeah, I did. Way more than I meant to. I’m still kind of amazed we found each other, you know?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | Forest]

By this point in the story, Violet has undergone her arc.

She is a changed person because of Clementine’s influence, and she sees what she either didn’t see before, or did but had forgotten. Through a rebound, because Violet just needed a second chance to redeem herself.

Now…, she didn’t expect to find a friend like Clementine ever again? It’s interesting that Violet indicates Clementine was a second chance with the platonic route, not the romantic. Is this her quietly admitting that Minnie was never beyond a friend, actually? Or is this in reference to Brody and Sophie instead?

I dunno. Just found that interesting, since she could have said an equivalent for the romantic dialogue. In any case…

There is something so profound with how this relationship contrasts the ones which came before. As a friend or partner, Clementine never gets to the point of Minnie’s idealization, nor Brody’s devaluation. Both are antithetical to each other because they balance on the same scale—that being insecurity. Violet cared for Minnie and Brody deeply, and those emotions are genuine.

However. 

Minnie was put on a pedestal because there were faultlines to that relationship which Violet did not want to face. Brody, instead, was degraded because rather than faults, it was easier to ignore the good sides to Brody. And the good sides were a really, really sweet girl who dreamed of a better life—something that Violet could never see for herself after the twins.

Then there’s Clementine.

Even at their worst moment, where Violet’s trust in Clementine waned, she still did trust her. Clementine told her there was a bomb. Violet snapped because Mitch was the one who knew explosives, and he was dead. And yet, she got herself blinded because she knew Clementine wasn’t lying to her. She trusted her enough to know…

Well yeah. There’s a bomb.

Beyond that, however, Violet decides to do some arts and crafts, even though she says they’re stupid. Or Violet’ll ask for a dance that she’s desperately yearned for. She’ll talk to Clementine, a lot, even if she didn’t mean to do it “so much.”

Clementine as an anchor never truly corrodes. It’s tested down one of the routes, yet by the end of it, the relationship is maintained.

…there’s a final note which taps into this.

We come back again to identity one last time. For a brief anecdote—nestled within the shadows of what exhaustion this essay has gone over with Minnie and Brody, and now Clementine—, but an important one. Violet’s sense of identity will remain to be untold because we don’t have that perspective. She never talks about herself like that, so there’s no true insight for Clementine to gather.

Yet there are scant traces of identity diffusion, or an incoherent identity, ceaselessly disturbed by external influences.

This calls back to a copycat nature where borderline personalities will imitate in order to find stability. Ambitions, beliefs, interests—these all go right along with it, because they very well can change, and do so radically. Impulsions in way of severe life choices are made on the foundation this nature provides.

And that foundation is not strong.

There is no way to truly understand and deconstruct Violet’s sense of identity, yet, her behavior and choices made throughout the season can give us something to chew on.

Between the two routes, Violet is…a hair shy from being an entirely different person. The Violet Clementine brings onto the boat is not the same as the Violet she meets there. By contrast, Louis remains consistent; bring him on the boat, and he acts as expected—same with when we find him…without a tongue.

One is Clementine’s Violet. The other is Minerva’s Violet.

In both routes, Violet’s impulsion changes her life’s trajectory. She either shoots Minnie, or, she goes after the bomb and blinds herself. In one route, she’s outspoken, combative to the Delta, and fiercely loyal to the school; in the other, she does behave like how Minnie described her—never could talk to people, never to be class president. The Violet in that second route is withdrawn and quiet…

But she does confront Clementine.

She mimics Minerva’s newfound bellicosity that she dawned from the Delta, and it’s pitted against Clementine by following both her and Lilly’s word.

Going back to the first episode, where Brody tells Clementine that Violet withdrew herself from everyone, a lot of that was depression. Violet also actively told herself to push everyone away (…except Tenn, a remnant of the twins). However, there is a read here that she withdrew herself because there was no one left for Violet to mirror. She reverted herself back to the girl who sat in front of the television, with her grandmother’s fresh corpse just behind her.

Not to say that Violet doesn’t have a personality on her own. No, she still does. Having a weak sense of identity doesn’t automatically mean that there’s no identity at all. It can just mean the self-perception of identity is weak, but given that it is a self-perception, what is Violet going to draw from if she doesn’t…know how to read herself?

So Clementine meets Violet in the midst of this. She’s sarcastic and grates for a minute about the car. She keeps up a wall between her and Clementine. But by the end of the episode, and the start of the second, here Violet is cleaver at hand, about to lead the school.

Marlon scathes when she stands toe-to-toe. Talks about her being difficult again—but that in itself is ambiguous, because does this mean she’s gone toe-to-toe before, or does this mean Violet has a tendency to be inconsistent? And was that night another inconsistency?

But then… Louis. He admires the fact that Violet is like his white knight. He relies on her to protect him, because he knows that there is no doubt—she will.

Then being a leader. That comes as a surprise to presumably everyone. There’s a few points of dialogue that suggest it, others that blatantly say it, and then more few beats where we see the contention between Violet’s leadership and the schoolkids.

There’s conflict here. Violet is inconsistent in who she wants to be.

And it’s just that, isn’t it?

The TWDG community has long since decided that Violet’s arc is about letting go of Minnie (for those who see past the “rebound” thing), and self-discovery. Which is still true, but through the lens of BPD, there’s another layer to this. It’s about learning to let go despite disorder. And then, it’s learning what she wants from people, and who she wants to emulate, again, despite disorder.

What kind of person does Violet want to be?

And this is distinct from Louis, because with Louis, it is also a self-discovery. He is care-free, live in the moment, to a detriment. To be quite frank, the only reason why he got that far into the apocalypse was because he relied on his community. Not because he couldn’t contribute, but because he has his fair share of self-depreciation.

But there is no question. He knows who he is, and he knows the kind of man he wants to be. It’s why Louis does talk about his sense of self as much as he does.

Whereas Violet really doesn’t, perhaps because she can’t. All of what she confines in Clementine is the fact that things get overwhelming, and she gets confused. Quite frequently. But also, her relationships. Everything��external for her, because… Again, she struggles to articulate what’s going on internally, because of that confusion. It takes time for that articulation to be feasible.

Violet has a patchwork identity. She’s kept traits of others—such as the singing. Granted, everybody does this. However, there’s her own within patchwork, but those have gone largely unexplored in the past.

Then here’s Clementine, the catalyst to this arc.

Which begs the question, why? What about Clementine has this impact on Violet?

Something about her draws Violet in. 

At first, yeah. Clementine’s new. There’s an air of mystery around a girl who totals a car at Ericson’s front lawn, with a kid in tow. But that mystery alone doesn’t equate to a cleaver pulled, guarding the new people from the rest—her own people.

The answer is rather simple: Violet is mirroring Clementine, so all there is to do is look at that reflection. And we find a leader. We find someone who is compassionate, and does everything to fight for their own. Actually fight. Tooth-and-nail. Someone who does whatever it takes to survive, even if that means rubbing the good ol’ walker jelly, or, taking risks to secure a bag of food.

Clementine’s compassion for people is evident once she wakes up, and she has A.J by her side. Her skills in leadership, her drive to fight, to survive—those are all made very clear at the train station, with both Louis and Violet following her lead.

So Violet mimicked. She found the same traits within herself, then elevated them. Brought them to the surface.

As the relationship continues to build—platonic or romantic—, Violet finds reciprocation. She’s not just emulating what Clementine would like to see. After all, she was sat in the headmaster’s chair while Clementine and A.J were still exiled. That indicates how Violet found, if not a comfort, a consolation in that part of herself.

The reciprocation continues whenever Clementine responds to her, and she validates Violet, she shows interest in what Violet says, and what Violet wants to do. Violet can ramble on and on as long as she wants, and Clementine would still listen. Violet (if romanced) can ask for a dance, and Clementine would oblige. Either way, Violet gives Clementine a pin. Clementine puts it on.

It's that compassion, and it cascades authenticity off Clementine to the people she surrounds herself with. She’s also someone who feels strongly. This character is a very empathetic person. Throughout S1, Clementine was perceptive of the people around her, and she cared. Deeply so. S2, the same thing, even if her morality began to grey. The start to closing herself off to protect herself was present. S3 as well, especially in her drive to find A.J once she learned he was still alive, out there somewhere.

Throughout the seasons, there are also plenty of moments where her empathy shows. Clementine does genuinely feel what the people around her express. Like with Louis, when his tongue is cut. You can hear in her voice how pained she is, regardless of the relationship itself. She’s pained because Louis is.

And given what she’s lived through on top of that? Clementine would absolutely put 100% in a relationship, enough to match someone like Violet.

There is another reason to this why, and the thought struck me when I was reminded of an easter egg during Violet and Clementine’s scene up on the belltower. A constellation, which Clementine can draw for herself, and he’ll wink right back at her:

Kenny.

This connection is an interesting one to make for a scene with Violet. It’s cheeky first and foremost. 

Regardless, there’s a parallel drawn here. Violet and Kenny are very similar, in that…Kenny likely had BPD. TWDGhas two seasons, then a couple flashbacks, where we can read it so. That man was volatile himself. Fiercely loyal, but could absolutely flip on a dime if his perception of the people around did not align with what he desired—it’s why he’s so fickle with Lee, to the point the gameplay reflects it, and then Clementine as well, because this behavior was the ultimate antagonist. His spiral down mental health escalated, and escalated, and escalated.

And he’s guilty. Tells Clementine that to leave him, or to shoot him, is the right choice to make.

But should the two survive together, with dreams of driving down to Florida, we find that he…is okay. He’s stable. His anchorage with Clementine and A.J is strong, without ambivalence. In this storyline, she sees that with people like him, sticking around through the bullshit can be worth the trouble.

Of course, it’s also a testament whether or not it is worth it. Some people, including myself, left Kenny in S2. Because the turmoil through the season was just that significant.

He genuinely cares, but like my mom, Kenny still hurts. Especially in S2. Because despite himself, he just could never seem to get past what he felt, and his impulses.

Clementine’s relationship with Kenny varies across different choices made, and the interpretations thereof. My personal interpretation of Kenny will contrast wildly to another. And that’s okay.

But whatever the interpretation is, and the choices made, Clementine has experience with people like Violet. She’s lived through the type of behavior conditions BPD and alike bring. She knows how to navigate them, and find healthy grounds.

Clementine keeps an open line of communication with Violet. Expresses interest, and accepts what Violet herself has to offer. But she also has her boundaries. For one, A.J. He is her priority. Two, when Violet fights her, Clementine fights back because it’s not okay—do not lay a hand on me. Now, whether or not she would’ve fought like she did if there was no bomb, and A.J was still in the cell…

I don’t know. I assume it would’ve been one of those major choices of the game. Either talk her down, or fight.

…similar to what Lee has with Kenny, up in the attic after the house in Savannah is swarmed, or on the train before that.

Bringing Kenny into the conversation is…funny, in a way. At least to me. I write all this, because TWDG secured its place in my heart by being the very thing I needed through a really, really bad year where my mental health (BPD) reared its ugly head. TWDG as a whole, but S2 especially. I realize why so many people have issues with the season, and I get it. It’s only natural for that to happen when every season has its distinctive personality—not everyone will gel with its voice. That, and it does have its fair share of flaws.

But if it was not for S2, I would not be in the fandom. Because that season was 2019 boiled down to the pure chaos I inadvertently put myself through, and it did so by having me play a character who when she was taken seriously, she just could not do it right, then…, when she wasn’t, it was out of neglect, where the adults put themselves first. Every. Time. And…one of those adults was a blunt reflection of it all.

Up until the final moment. The breaking point.

It’s how I felt inside my head. And still do, sometimes. When I’m stuck inside a season rooted in instability—a winter—, things just keep happening, and there is no end, even though I try to maintain the fantasy of peace in those slow moments. But…there’s just no end. There’s only escalation.

It was something I needed to experience in isolation, where I understood that it’s just a game, and it’s within the scope of 7.5 hours.

Swiftly thereafter, I started writing. Because again, it’s what I’ve always done. So AYDF came to be, where Clementine’s an alcoholic, but not because she’s legitimately an alcoholic in the gameplay. I get she’s not; my Clementine is an alcoholic because…it’s an obscure remark of borderline, and an exploration wherein I thought to use an entirely different disorder to express such a thing. In part because I’d yet to really (re)consider BPD (it wasn’t until some time later that I understood), but also…I’m a storyteller. Having alcoholism represent BPD is interesting.

It’s all why I adore TWDG, and my Clementine, and ADYF. Together, they’re an anchor of mine.

Clementine and Violet’s relationship included, because I did not expect to find Violet. I knew about their relationship before playing—heard it whilst I did light research on which games to buy. But I didn’t expect to find a character who…also emulates what S2 did for me. Just, in a more matured light than who I was in 2019. Also didn’t expect the relationship to provide growth for my Clementine in regards to these personalities, because mine did absolutely struggle the first time—with Kenny, and the devastating choice she made.

Cuz like.

Oops. A.J’s still alive. Um. Whelp.

(…for context—because I know the assumption—, no, Jane was not there. I left S2 with both her and Kenny dead. Clementine just shot the last adult who could’ve helped A.J.)

To see the chances where Clementine is the person Violet needed—to treat her well—, and take those chances, I didn’t expect to find Violentine as this embodiment of a healthy relationship despite borderline. It’s not perfect—obviously it’s not—, but all things considered, it is healthy by the end, no matter the route.

It’s regardless of whether or not Violet actually has BPD. She’s not diagnosed, and I don’t intend to have her be diagnosed. But at the same time…, this essay kinda makes it clear that Violet is a textbook example anyway. A good one to me.

And a good one to A.J.

[A.J, & Serving an Example]

Throughout this essay, the priority has been clarifying BPD, and unveiling what it feels like. A mechanism that may lead to the disorder, then the mechanisms that the disorder itself deploys. How it effects the person, in their identity or, most notably with Violet, relationships.

And the way Violet articulates herself, through the several dialogue lines within this post, it is evident that she’s aware. There’s a self-deprecation to it, but, Violet knows her issues and what it does, whether or not she knows its name—BPD, or something else entirely. Given the ambiguity that the game allows, it is still left unsaid.

But that’s the first thing: she does talk about it. Violet knows herself well enough to.

Not only that, she demonstrates a responsibility in her disorder.

With this essay, there hasn’t been much in the way of responsibility. Because it isn’t until A.J enters the discussion do we truly see this come to light.

I will be the first to say that, while I can sympathize with other people of the diagnosis—even empathize—, I am rather critical when it comes to being responsible of our actions. From knowing a trigger but being around it anyway, to refusing to communicate when a hand reaches out—there’s issues I take. Because there are things that needs to be done with BPD, and those are not it.

The fact of the matter is, sorry, it fucking sucks. But also, it is your disorder, as it is mine. It isn’t your fault that it happened, but it did, and you’re kinda just stuck living with it. It’s not the responsibility of anyone else to fix and manage every aspect of BPD.

Finding people like Clementine, or a support system like the schoolkids, will do wonders because, yes, they can help. But Clementine, and the schoolkids, also have their fair share of shit. To expect them to drop everything is unfair, the same way that being expected to just drop your BPD for someone else’s sake is unfair. 

It’s a give and take. There will be a ceaseless line of dialogue in the name of boundaries, and clarification, and everything in between.

So we return to Violet’s apology to Clementine.

“I wanted to wait ‘til you were up and about, but how I behaved on the boat… It was really unfair. My head was so messed up—by Lilly, and… And Minnie. I was so wrapped up in my own shit…” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

She doesn’t excuse it. Violet gives reason—and that reason is, more or less, she was not in a right mind—, and she articulates what position she was in, but there is no excuse.

Because the difference between an excuse, and an apology, is that one is done with the intention to be forgiven, the other is done with the intention to resolve—the forgiveness is a hope, not the reward.

Being able to do such a thing, unprompted, speaks volumes to Violet’s maturity, and her understanding of her own mental health. For people with BPD, more often than not, it’s easier to blame someone else because…looking inward, and realizing you royally fucked up again is not easy. Or, it’s easier to use apologies to seek a reward—like forgiveness—, and to indulge in a brief gratification that may ensure a person stays.

Well, okay. The same can really be said for everyone. BPD, however, does has its way in amplification.

Nevertheless, A.J is able to witness this moment, take it in. It’s a lesson in itself.

But given Violet is saved, and Louis is mute, there is another moment which not only speaks volumes, but it serves to A.J clarity.

After the last meal shared in the game series, and Violet with Clementine deliberates over a caravan, A.J can ask Violet one thing:

“Aren’t you still mad I killed Tenn?” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

It’s a fresh wound for her. The pain of it is laid clear across Violet’s face. However, in response,

“The thing you said on the bridge…, that he was messing up all the time. It wasn’t something new, you know. Tenn got himself or other people into trouble all the time, long before you guys got here. He was always so lost. He lived in a world that just…isn’t there, you know? And that’s why I tried to look after him. But when I was pulling him away from the walkers, and Minnie, I could also see…he just wasn’t there anymore.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

Or, it’s complicated, but she understands why. Violet is able to acknowledge where A.J comes from. She does, and she sets aside her emotions. There is no corrosion here. Violet doesn’t devalue A.J for this, even though the gravity of his choice would’ve provided a validity. A warped and intense validity, but one all the same.

They trade more words, and amongst them, Violet asks a damning question, and A.J accepts:

[A.J] “So you’re mad, but sad.” [Violet] “Can I be that for a while?” [A.J] “Yeah, it’s okay.” [Ep.4 | Take Us Back | School]

A.J acknowledges her. She asks for further acknowledgement—the time to heal.

And he understands, and he allows her the room.

…the thing about Violet and A.J, in contrast to Louis and A.J, is that A.J looks up to these characters for very different reasons. Louis is a great guy. I want A.J to be like him, or better yet, a matured version of Louis. He’s charming, charismatic, good-natured, and through the game, we do see that he begins to donate an effort to do better.

Really, it’s not a mystery as to why A.J grew attached so quickly.

Violet, meanwhile, is confusing. She’s not that great with people, is instead a bit of a pill to swallow, and with her trauma comes a volatility.

Sure, she was the one who stood-up for Clementine and A.J when Louis didn’t, but in playing this season, I’ve always gotten the implication that A.J—at least initially—does have a preference for Louis. And I say implication because it’s never said outright, but there are some dialogues and reactions of his that had me wonder. I also don’t mean he doesn’t like Violet, no, but more that he doesn’t necessarily understand what Clementine sees in her.

At least, that isn’t until time passes, and more is spent with Violet, does she start to grow on him as well.

Louis models a more…digestible person. He has his problems, but they are easy to explain and understand. He was a spoiled brat. He sabotaged a marriage over something so very petty. And now, where his upbringing still rears its head through his immature work ethic, he struggles with deep insecurities.

There is a complexity here. One that does deserve its own essay, though I’m not really the right person for that. (Here’s an essay, by @stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale. Pretty good. And they gots a lot of essays like it. …but also, again, sorry for tagging; I know this is absurdly long. Lol.)

Violet, meanwhile, comes with a confusion because her issues are so steeped in stigma. Which is to be expected in conditions like BPD, where…yeah, there’s the chance she will lash out, do things she doesn’t mean, because a switch was flipped.

Where Louis is someone that A.J would like to aspire to, Violet seem to stand as a figure A.J can grow to appreciate. Having her as a model gives A.J the chance to understand that with people like Violet, you give them space and time. Work with them, and if they are genuine people, they will prove themselves worth the effort.

It does take effort, however, and the time spent with them.

And if there is no effort given, and no time spent…

Yeah. Violet will be that wallflower.

[Conclusion]

There’s nothing else this essay really has to say at its core. BPD is a very, very confusing disorder. Both internally, and externally. Stigma doesn’t help. It is, after all, a huge reason why I wrote this.

Because the stigma is quite honestly the worst thing about BPD. In many resources—whether they’re linked below, or you find them on your own—, you’ll find that a BPD diagnosis often comes with others right along with it. Addictions, eating disorders, depression…

To those who don’t know better (or maybe they do), that’s just…natural. It’s how it is.

But I remember going to my family, telling them that there is something wrong, only…to be assured otherwise. Not for my sake, but for theirs. Because BPD isn’t greatly understood, and when it is, realizing that none of them got to save me from my mother in time has its way in denial. What my mother did wasn’t right, however, I could’ve ended up like her. 

Just not through those initial traumas.

Rather, I could’ve, had I made the same mistakes she did with the silent traumas thereafter—decades, now, where the people around me refuse to acknowledge my words, and listen to me, because I know the look in the eye, and I sometimes find it in the mirror. Those initial traumas may have been the first lashing, but it’s the time after which seals BPD within a person. Because the condition goes unchecked. It ferments. People tell you one thing, but you feel another, and as a child, you decide to trust their word, not your own body. Which breaks you. Gets to a point where there’s no real return, because people like me weren’t allowed to learn otherwise.

Understanding what happened to me was a very lonely experience, despite the sheer amount of people I had around me.

…and it hurts, somewhere deep in the recesses of my alexithymia, that my abuse never came from people who hated me. My mother didn’t, not in those initial years. None of my family did, in the decades into adulthood. But still, they hurt. The abuse came from the people I least want to admit, in ways that media would deem too boring for our idled attention spans.

I proclaimed that BPD is when a mechanism deploys, and the cost means a sacrifice of one integral function. It is still true—the mechanism, alongside the personality, and that specific initial trauma will influence how that BPD is expressed.

Yet, Borderline Personality Disorder happens when a mechanism deploys at a great cost, and that sacrifice is never restored. It is the neglect of the individual’s emotional turmoil after catastrophe that does it, where the same mechanism festers until it is there to stay as an ugly, depraved scar.

It is the disorder where a person was never allowed to heal, despite the mind and body screaming that they need to.

So when I hear BPD and the diagnoses alongside, I hear yet another time where someone likely knew there was something wrong, but they chose to find stability by other means, because it wasn’t found in the people around. Addictions bring those dopamine hits that BPD elevates. Eating disorders, where maybe…they can find something about themselves to control. Because there is none day to day, nor in relationships. And depression? Honestly, it speaks for itself; if a person manages to find themselves with a tumultuous anchor, or no anchor at all, it’s easy to slip into.

Or, if the diagnoses are born conditions, like ADHD or autism, or others, like schizophrenia, those speak to a concern where those conditions were left unchecked, and they festered as BPD, they were what predisposed it…

Yet, when I hear a story like Violet’s, it is a true reassurance.

Sure she’s not diagnosed. But still. The game doesn’t hide anything. It doesn’t “assure” the player that Violet isn’t this type of person, that she isn’t literally sick in the head.

TFS shows her issues quite plainly. And it’s because it does, and refuses to lie to make anyone feel better, does the game promise something that is so, so desperately yearned for in those with borderline.

It’s acknowledgement.

To tell someone that, yes, you’re not confused that you feel confused amid a chaos. You are. But there are ways to work with it, and around it. You can, actually, have strong relationships with people, and in those like Clementine, even if/when you fail, they will stay, because they understand.

To tell someone all of that is a first step towards understanding BPD, a disorder so shrouded because of stigma, and little else.

And so you have a character who still has her struggles with it, but she has a support system, and she’s taught herself enough to manage—did it well, considering the circumstances. She was left to her own devices. Sure, she had her grandparents to escape from home, but…, well. Yeah. After her grandma, Violet was then sent straight to the boarding school. The apocalypse struck. The adults left. And though her community still cherishes her, Violet…was designated as their wallflower.

So it’s funny, to have found this character this way, because Louis was right.

Violet does grow on you. If you let her, anyway. She can be suffocating.

Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

Volt out.

Volt's Library (my writing) Clem Comic Essay #1 (canon stuff) Clem Comic Essay #2 (language)

Links: to start your own research

BPD (General) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (4 types); 4 (quiet BPD)

BPD (Stigma) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5 (r/BPD)

BPD (Anchors/FP) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD vs Bipolar | 1 ; 2 ; 3 (comorbid BPD & Bipolar)

BPD (Identity Disturbance) | 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 (r/BPD)

BPD (in Relationships) | 1 ; 2 ; 3

[humbledragon669]

Season 1 Opening and Closing Credits

This write up will likely end up feeling a bit scatty, partly because there are a lot of different bits and pieces to cover, but also because that opening credits scene is, to be quite honest, a little bit frantic. There’s a lot of stuff going on in there, despite the fact that it’s less than a minute and a half long. I’m intending on covering all of the opening credits scene here, so to make things a bit easier to digest, I broke it down into what I’m calling tableaus. The intent is to describe what we can physically see happening in each tableau before offering any observations on them in turn – it was the only way I could really see to break it all down. Lastly, there’ll be a quick summary of the music for each of the end credit scenes. Hopefully that all makes sense, and gives the opportunity to decide you’re not all that interested in the upcoming content before you get too far into the weeds with me.

Opening Credits

Before I get going with tableau #1, I thought I might offer a suggestion as to what I think the story is that we’re being told by the animation that takes place throughout the credits. From what I could gather, it appears to be telling the story of the consequences of Armageddon actually taking place. I hope that story arc will become a little clearer as we progress through each of the tableaus.

There’s one other thing I want to address before getting into the nitty gritty, and it won’t surprise you that it’s to do with the music. Something I noticed very early on in my GO-related brainrot journey is that the theme tune is written in ¾ time. That along with its very characteristic bass line accompaniment would qualify it as a waltz, which were predominantly used as courtship dances. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the music we come to associate with this show is representative of a genre of music that was banned in some places because it was considered to be sinful. Subtext on multiple levels there methinks.

Side note: the original theme tune for the series was intended to be Buddy Holly’s “Everyday”, but when David Arnold presented the piece that he’d composed as a potential replacement to Neil, it was love at first hearing. It’s lovely that we got to keep the Buddy Holly song in the show in season two, as it was apparently something that Terry was keen about having as a theme running throughout the whole of season one.

Tableau #1

Crowley and Aziraphale (with Crowley in the lead) are walking through the darkness.

Camera pans out to show a barren landscape.

Straight from the off, we see Crowley and Aziraphale together, very much like in the show itself. The animation leaves us in no doubt that these two characters are meant to be seen as a partnership. It’s noticeable that the ground they’re walking on is curved, which would suggest it’s Earth they’re walking across, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the barren landscape gives the impression that the two of them are striking off into the wilderness together. If we tie that into the timeline and story, this scene feels like this is a representation of the two of them as they leave the Garden of Eden.

Tableau #2

Crowley and Aziraphale have been joined by a small procession of two hooded figures and a small demonic-looking being.

The landscape in the background has more landmarks – rocks and bare trees.

The camera has adopted a closer position to the beings in view.

A warped tree grows as Crowley and Aziraphale pass a particular point in the scene. An apple springs from it.

The small demonic-looking being runs ahead of the hooded figures and picks the apple from the tree. He carries it out of the tableau.

The vegetation in the background grows more luscious as the scene moves into the next tableau.

The only observations I have about this tableau are unfortunately more like questions. First off, I don’t think I could say who/what any of the procession members are here:

Those hooded figures could literally be absolutely anything. And WHAT is that little thing at the back? It has a mohawk and sunglasses. I can’t recall any characters in the show that would fit that description. And why does he pick the apple and carry it away?

It’s almost like he’s trying to get Crowley or Aziraphale to take it (perhaps trying to tempt them with it?), but I don’t know why that would be.

Tableau #3

Foliage now thick, like a rainforest.

Flowers spring up from the ground as Crowley and Aziraphale walk into the tableau.

The procession has expanded with the addition of a bearded man, a nun, a different small being, and a priest.

There is a large cherub statue in the background.

A butterfly lands on the vicar’s hand, before flying across the shot.

The flowers springing from the ground is the second instance of foliage growing where Aziraphale and Crowley pass over, and it makes me wonder if the growth is either inspired or commanded by their presence. The apple has now disappeared from the tableau, but we have no indication of where it went, especially since the demonic-looking being that was carrying it has either changed or transformed into a completely different small being, one that looks an awful lot like Shax!

I realise this could be a representation of Madame Tracy, but there’s something about the sunglasses that makes me feel that’s not right.

Knowing that nothing ever makes it into this show by accident, I find myself wondering if the butterfly in this scene has been put there to suggest transformation.

We certainly know by the end of the season that both Aziraphale and Crowley go through actual physical transformations in the body swap, but the personal growth of many of the characters throughout the show forms a very important theme in the story too. And speaking of transformations, the device used to “transform” us from this tableau to the next is a large statue, which appears to be the back of the same one we can see in the background, or at least an identical one.

Tableau #4

Crowley and Aziraphale are sharing a glass of red wine whilst seated at a table.

The cherub statue from the previous tableau is still present in the background. Our point of view appears to be revolving around it.

The table is in front of a phone box.

The Bentley is seen in front of the bookshop.

There is a fire blazing in the upstairs window of the bookshop.

The instantly noticeable difference between this tableau and the ones that came before is that Crowley and Aziraphale are no longer marching as part/the head of the procession. In fact, it looks like they’re sitting at a table in a very lovely garden, what with the shady tree and the verdant grass in the forefront of the shot. What’s more, we can see the procession relentlessly marching away over a hill in the background. This tableau suggests to me that we’re at the point in the storyline where our hero pair have subconsciously abandoned their Heavenly and Hellish duties, happily settled in their own side, and with that in mind, I would say that this tableau represents the “present day” of this season as a snapshot in time. The flames in the upper floor window of the book shop are of course foreshadowing of what’s to come, and I do find it interesting that it’s there at all, major spoiler as it is, but it’s pretty fleeting as with the collage device used in episode 6, so perhaps the hope is that its presence won’t register with most audience members.

Tableau #5

An ark is resting on a building in the background.

The procession has had a few additions:

A brass band.

A hooded figure on a horse holding a scythe – Death.

A man in a top hat.

The alien being from episode 4.

A duck.

Something that looks like a rat.

A nun.

A second bearded man.

The procession is watched over by a demon (looks like Usher, the small demon that was used to test the holy water in episode 6).

Towards the end of the tableau, the procession starts to proceed up an escalator.

From certain angles, the building that the ark is resting on (or has crashed into) looks a little like the building that hosts the entrances to Heaven and Hell, though quite why this would have happened, I’m not sure.

There’s a change in the music in this tableau too, to what I will describe from this point on as theme #2. It’s probably most recognisable as being the tune to the lullaby that Aziraphale sings to Adam, although it is used throughout the season for a multitude of other scenarios. Interestingly, the change in tone in the music isn’t accompanied by a change in tone in the animation.

We see the first appearance of one of the four Horsemen in this tableau. In a sort of round-about-face way, the first we see in the opening credits is the last we meet in the storyline, the last to be called, and the last to be dismissed on the tarmac in Tadfield. I do like that Death has been put on a horse in this setting, making him a literal horseman as well as a metaphorical one.

This is the first tableau that Aziraphale and Crowley are nowhere to be seen in. If my theory about the story being told is correct, perhaps this is to show events continuing without their awareness, but I feel like that’s a bit of a stretch.

Tableau 6

Procession now proceeds along a moving walkway.

Additions to procession membership:

Weird tall being that looks like a bear.

Something that looks like it might be from Atlantis?

A short being of human appearance.

Small being carrying an “END IS NIGH” placard.

Somebody in a hazmat suit.

Something wearing some sort of face mask.

An additional dark figure on horseback – Famine.

Another unidentifiable short being.

The short demonic-looking being from the procession in tableau #2.

The backdrop now is of a night sky containing nebulae and galaxies.

Crowley arrives from the left and hovers over the procession.

The UFO from episode 4 appears and collides with Crowley, who is thrown of course. The UFO, now smoking, begins a descent into what will likely end in a crash.

I don’t have an awful lot to say about this tableau, other than it being the first time we see Crowley or Aziraphale without the other. It’s also the first time we see the transition into the next tableau being led by movement downwards, instead of from left to right.

Tableau #7

UFO crashes through a layer of cloud to reveal a descending escalator carrying, what appears to be, a procession consisting of a different set of people.

Aziraphale is hovering above the escalator and observing the descending procession.

Aziraphale deliberately flies into the UFO, causing it to explode into a shower of fish.

A single being can be seen ascending the escalator, against the flow of the procession.

It was at this point that I realised that if the escalators were supposed to represent the entrances to Heaven and Hell, with the beings on them going to their final place of rest, Aziraphale and Crowley were in the wrong places. You’d expect the angel to be watching the beings on their ascent to Heaven, wouldn’t you? So I actually think this might be a representation of the start of the war between Heaven and Hell, with forces from Hell ascending (perhaps invading?) Heaven, and vice versa. The presence of Crowley watching over, or perhaps feigning participation, would be more fitting in this case.

Unfortunately, the procession on the descending escalator is too far from the camera POV to make out individual members. The being going up the escalator instead of down is the mysterious little Shax-lookalike we saw introduced in tableau #3.

I’d quite like to know a) how that being got there and b) why they’re going against the flow of traffic. Perhaps they’re just late to the invasion of Heaven.

The shower of fish is a nice little callback to something that was used as a device on more than one occasion in the book, and was even intended to be used for the show in the original script but was unfortunately cut. It’s good to see it as a little Easter egg here in the credits.

Tableau #8

Backdrop is now of a wood or forest. The remainder of the shower of fish can be seen falling through the trees and into water.

Aziraphale and Crowley are now together again, with Crowley leading the way.

A military ship comes into view. It holds a lot of passengers, and definitely has members of the first procession on it. There is now a white figure on horseback present – Pollution.

The camera POV pans under water to provide the next transition.

It’s unclear whether the passengers on the ship are of members of both of the processions we’ve seen (mostly because the only shot we’ve seen of the second procession was too far away from the camera to make out distinct characters), but they seem to be mostly from the first procession. It’s also unclear as to whether Crowley and Aziraphale are simply observing the ship and its passengers, pursuing it, or even trying to overtake it.

Tableau #9

Backdrop is now of an ocean floor, complete with a kelp forest.

Crowley and Aziraphale are hovering over the procession in the same formation as the previous tableau (with Crowley in the lead).

The procession is now very large, with many members carrying placards and signs.

The kraken appears in the background, watching over the procession.

The procession starts an ascent up a hill, leading into a destroyed cityscape in the background.

Crowley and Aziraphale deliberately exit this tableau, accelerating out of shot.

The camera point of view focuses in on the head of the procession.

There is now a red-headed figure on horseback present – War.

The procession is now being lead by the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

There are some objects that we can see floating through the ocean during this tableau.

They look quite like plastic bags to me, so I wonder if this has been put here as a social commentary of the seemingly incessant need for humans to pollute the oceans. I think this tableau, with all four horsemen leading the procession, is representative of Armageddon having actually occurred, with the procession consisting of beings who are all now marching forward to be judged. Interestingly War was the last of the Horsemen to join the procession but the first that we are introduced to in the show, and the first that would be called upon in a nuclear holocaust situation.

Tableau #10

Backdrop is now of a destroyed cityscape.

The Horsemen of the Apocalypse are now at the rear of the procession.

Madame Tracy and Shadwell ride Madame Tracy’s scooter across the tableau, in front of the procession.

Aziraphale can be seen observing the procession from the top of a road sign signalling the M25.

The repositioning of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse suggests that their roles have shifted from leading the procession to ushering its members. This makes sense, given the backdrop of this tableau suggests that Armageddon has happened by this point.

Tableau #11

The procession continues up a rock bridge.

Backdrop has become a stereotypically “Hellish” landscape.

We can see the back of Aziraphale and the road sign he sits on as we pan into this tableau.

Crowley is floating above the procession, apparently observing.

The Shax lookalike demon can be seen running against the flow of traffic at this point.

The procession is being watched over by hellhounds (one in the background, an additional one in the extreme foreground).

We can see parts of the rock bridge crumbling under the weight of all of the beings in the procession, which brings my attention to the fact that there have been sound effects added to the soundtrack for certain things – these crumbling rocks, the flutter of wings, the pop of the UFO as it explodes into a shower of fish, and the roaring of the hellhound as the camera passes by. It adds to the impression that this isn’t just a credit sequence needed for logistical purposes, but that it is telling a story in its own right. It’s also possible to see that the procession participants not only look distinct, but have different walking styles too. It’s a tiny detail that would go amiss by so many, yet would have taken a lot of effort to implement. There hasn’t been anywhere for me to give credit to the animators in my write ups prior to now, so this is their chapeau – well done all, little things like that really add to the richness of this show.

Tableau #12

We see a view of the end of rock bridge and a bright white light in the sky.

The supporting pillars crumble as the camera approaches the end of the bridge.

I don’t have a lot to say about this tableau, partly because it’s very short but also because it has the least amount of content to it. As the penultimate tableau in the credit sequence, it’s the only one that takes place from the point of view of the procession.

Tableau #13

Point of view returns to a side view of the procession.

We see the front of the procession approaching the end of the rock bridge.

The Shaz lookalike can be seen, once again, running against the flow of traffic, away from the end of the bridge.

The camera perspective changes as it passes the bridge’s supporting pillar. It’s now further away and the light in the tableau is much stronger.

Members of the procession start to fall off the end of the bridge, some gaining wings and flying upwards, others falling straight down.

The camera pans out to show the title card for the show whilst procession members continue to march off the end of the rock bridge in the background.

That weird little Shax lookalike is busy running away in this shot, not once but twice. Once before the camera pans across the bridge’s supporting pillars:

And again, right after:

There seems to be a bit of a continuity error here, as those two gifs lead literally one into the other. What I really want to know though, is who or what that being really is, what its purpose is and why is it almost always travelling in the opposite direction to the rest of the procession.

And so we come to the end of the road (quite literally) for the procession. We can see the outcome of the judgement for each of them as they either ascend to Heaven or fall into Hell. Strangely, Crowley and Aziraphale aren’t present to see any of this – it makes me wonder if they’ve decided to flee to Alpha Centauri after all, seeing as in this series of tableaus it looks like they failed to avert the end of the World. Perhaps the halo over the “O” and the little devil tail on the “M” of the Good Omens title card is meant as a representation of their presence, albeit transformed somewhat.

End credits

Episode 1 end credits

Description: “The Theme That Got Left in the Car”. Queen-style symphonic rock of theme #1 from the Opening Title music.

Notes: links to the episode through the introduction of Queen as the music mascot for the show and its general feeling of impending doom. It’s orchestration also sets the scene for the epic nature of the show. One a personal note, and I know I’ve mentioned this before, this is HANDS DOWN my favourite piece of music in the entire season. I love absolutely everything about it – the wailing guitar, the operatic piano, everything about is JUST AWESOME.

Episode 2 end credits

Description: string quartet fugue-style of the Opening Title music. Has an extended theme #2 section and a variation on this theme before the return to theme #1. Not included on the OST album.

Notes: this version of the end credits theme offers an incredible contrast from the thickly layered version from episode 1. Its tone brings to mind an Austen-style ball, and although that would link beautifully with some of the concepts in season 2, I struggle to find how it connects with the episode content here. It’s beautifully crafted nonetheless.

Episode 3 end credits

Description: 60s instrumental style setting of theme #1, complete with Hammond organ and hand claps. Has an exploratory middle section and a distinct “Tarantino” feel. Not included on the OST album.

Notes: links to the episode through the 1967 flashback scene. There was, of course, a whole host of historic periods David Arnold could have chosen to use as the theming for this particular instance. Perhaps this was just the most fun to write.

Episode 4 end credits

Description: sounds like circus music! May use a calliope, or uses instrumentation to achieve that type of sound. Encompasses the entirety of the Opening Title music and includes a key change in the theme #2 section (the only end credits music that does). Not on the OST album.

Notes: I would argue that this piece offers the most obvious representation of the characteristics of a waltz, despite its very different instrumental setting. As with the episode 2 tune, I struggle to find the link to the dark episode content with this version, which is cheerful to the point of insanity.

Episode 5 end credits

Description: pipe organ fugue. There is a choir that joins to punctuate the phrasing towards the end. There is no other instrumentation. Not on the OST album.

Notes: I was told by the head of department when I was doing my music degree that the most evil instrument in all music was the pipe organ. He argued that if you ever ask somebody to think of “evil music” they will instantly summon the sound of a pipe organ, most likely the first movement of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, which I think this piece is heavily influenced by. It links beautifully with the cliffhanger of impending Armageddon at the end of the episode.

Episode 6 end credits

Description: “A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square” by Tori Amos. ‘Nuff said.

End credits general notes

The breadth of styles encompassed in the 5 different treatments of the Opening Titles music is, to be frank, astonishing. Each one is entirely convincing as an example of the style its written in, which really just goes to show, at least as far as I’m concerned, that David Arnold is nothing short of a genius. It’s really unfortunate that only one of these can be found on the OST album - I can only assume that this is due to a need to keep the album to a certain length. Honestly, I feel like each one deserves its own full musical critical analysis, but it does not appear that the score is available.

And there we have it. I said it might be a bit scatty, didn’t I?! Also long. Sorry about that, I didn’t think it would take as long as it did to analyse one and a half minutes of opening credits! As ever, questions, comments, discussion: always welcome. See you next time 😊

[tendertenebrosity]

Promises

A little bit inspired by this post, but also just an idea that's been lurking for years.

After what we’d found in the ancient temple, all of the humans were despondent. I was surprised to find that I was, too - over the weeks of travel together I’d come to care about their goal.

I shouldn’t have. What did the human throne mean to me? I’d outlived one civil war, I’d do it again. I liked Prince Arin, but that didn’t mean he’d make a better king than any of the others. Neither would possession of the Cup, actually.

And yet.

I was exhausted from the dive, but I took the time and energy needed to make my human shape again before I went to speak with the prince, because he always seemed to find it easier to talk to. Maybe also because I was putting it off.

I found him on the cliff, looking down into the ferocious sea with his face unsettlingly blank. I sat beside him on the jagged rock and curled my arms around my knees. Anxiety fluttered formless in my belly.

“What are you going to do now?” I asked him after a long minute of silence.

He gave me a black look, and for a moment I thought he wouldn’t answer. Then he turned back to his regard of the crashing waves.

“I’m not giving up,” he said, his jaw set stubbornly. “If the Cup isn’t here, it must be in one of the other locations. There are Ancient ruins all over the Southern continental coastline. We’ll search them - all of them, if we have to.”

I digested this for a minute, my legs growing cold underneath me from the rock. I should have expected that answer, maybe - he was stubborn - but the Southern coast was long. How did he know it hadn’t been taken already, I considered asking him. How did he know the door mechanisms wouldn’t be destroyed or sunk below…

Below even my ability to reach.

“Listen - Tanial,” the prince said. He was staring out at the sea again. “I know why you’re here. What you want to talk about.”

I tensed. I couldn’t help flicking my eyes over the prince’s body, looking for hints. Surely he kept it on him and not in his tent. “My soulstone.”

He nodded. “I promised to give it back once we’d retrieved the Cup.”

The first knot of dread tightened in my stomach. “That wasn’t the agreement,” I said, trying to keep it out of my voice. Trying to keep myself calm, reasonable, as if we were haggling over a purchase at a marketplace stall. “I agreed to come to the Mouth with you, and get you inside. You said if I did that you’d give it to me.”

“I said that I would give it back when we’d gotten into the Mouth and found the Cup,” he said sternly. “You got us in - thank you. It was well done. But the cup isn’t there, so - ”

I took a deep breath. And then another, and another, as I tried to hold the words in. I failed.

“You promised,” I said, almost a wail.

“Tani - Tani, I know I did, but I still need you!” He darted a glance at me, appealing, guilty. “I’m sorry, but I can’t give up now, and if you part ways with us then we have no hope of getting into the next ruins. I can’t give up. You know what’s at stake, you know I can’t give up.”

“I might stay,” I said. “You could ask. You could give me the stone and ask me to stay. I… I was going to offer…”

I had been, too, I realised. But he shook his head, a look of mingled pity and distrust passing over his face. “I can’t - Tani, if you leave I don’t know what we’ll do. If it was just my life at stake I’d take the risk, but… this is about my country. My people.”

I knew it. I knew this would happen. I should have known from the beginning, when he’d seemed so fair and even-handed. I was such a naive little fool.

“I’m sorry, Tanial...”

“You’ll never give it back,” I said, bitterness making my stomach churn, as if I might throw up bile here into the salt-stained wind. “I should never have believed you. I can’t believe I was so stupid!”

I knew all the same fairy stories he did. Everybody who ever let a shape-turner’s stone slip out of their hands in the stories met a bad end, as the shape-turner killed them outright or tricked them into a bad situation and skipped away laughing. There were a scant handful where the hero of the story gave it back on purpose, and the shape-turner was never grateful, never spared them.

The prince had gone pale and a little queasy-looking, but his jaw firmed. “I will give it back,” he said. “When the quest is done. It isn’t done yet, but as soon as it is, I promise - ”

“Your promises,” I spat, turning away to hide my tears. “Worth less than dirt.”

“Enough,” he said, standing up. Resolution swept across his face. “I won’t be spoken to with that much disrespect, Tanial. I’ll be your king. I understand why you’re disappointed, and I’m sorry, but I’ve made my decision and it is final. You will get your stone back after I retrieve the Cup.”

I’d believed that Prince Arin would look past the stories. He’d treated me fairly - from his perspective - so why wouldn’t he expect fair treatment back?

But now he’d cheated me. And the quest for the Cup would stretch into months and years, and I’d have no choice but to follow until it was done. And once it was he’d have a kingdom to rule, and there would always be a reason for not yet, and all the while those stories of the hero laid low because he took his eyes off the shape-turner would be there in the back of his mind…

No. He’d never give it back now.

He was already heading down the path. “We have a lot to do if we’re going to book passage on a ship. Come on.”

“I hate you,” I whispered into my knees. “You were supposed to be different.”

He either didn’t hear me, or pretended not to. I got up and followed; I had no choice.

[writingcold]

Welcome to Chapter 15.  I promise, after a few hard chapters, this one is a little bit easier to digest.  

If you’ve just joined us, here is the Master List to catch up

As always, thank you to @lvnterninthenight, @gardensgatedaisy and @whitesuitjake for your support, assistance, and friendship while this story panned out!

This is a work of fiction, and is totally mine.  Please do not take it for your own personal use.  I’ve put in hours of research, hours upon hours of writing, re-writing, screaming, yelling and vomiting over this epic of a story.  But it is mine.

Content warning:  It’s 18+, there’s adult situations.  There is no violence in this chapter.  So there’s that.

Word count: approx. 4100

Chapter Fifteen: Energy, Marriage, First Disagreement - Susannah POV

     The world had been set to right once more.  Jacob was still a hard ass, but at least he was a quieter, more level-headed hard ass.  Josh was hitting a stride now that Cora was in position at the bank, as well as aiding in the store, relieving him of some duties in both locations.  Molly and Danny were hiding away more.  Susannah was sure they would run away at any moment, despite the seemingly calm waters the business was presenting at the time.

     Sam’s arm lay heavy across her torso, his rhythmic breathing fluttering her hair.  She thought perhaps in the weeks after Cora had returned that Sam would settle back to being himself.  However, the weight of what had happened with the bank, and how he had to step up for his brothers had changed him.  He seemed distracted; more distant than ever before.  Like he was trying to put back together a puzzle so complex only he understood how it functioned.  He passed it off as his work on the Moon progressed into some fairly new territory for him, turning her into the terror he knew she could be.  

     Susannah could not help but feel her lover’s agitation as a new wound for her to pick at.  She had always been concerned that she was never enough for Samuel intellectually.  She knew he grew bored of her rambling dreams of hearth and home and what it would mean for them to share a real life together.  She saw how he started to shy away from making his assurances to her that all of what they had to do- the Lantern, the hiding of their true relationship, the way they had to keep separate - was only for the now and not always.  She could not remember the last time he promised a day away, just to pretend to be a couple in love where no one knew them.  Where no one knew who she was, what she was, what she did to pay her bills.

     Her heart stumbled at the idea.  Perhaps Sam was distancing himself to soften the blow that he no longer wished the same wishes as he once had with her.  She sat up and started to slide from the bed when his hand caught her arm.

     “Don’t go,”  he said, voice muffled and heavy with sleep.

     She turned her face away, fighting the emotions that threatened.  “Didn’t know you were awake.”

     “I don’t want to be,”  he sighed, curling up to her as she settled back down beside him.  “Come love on me instead.”

     He tugged her to move up on top of him, kissing her passionately.  Susannah felt the warmth, the love of him in the moment.  Her body unfolded over him, accepting him just as always.  She pushed away the hazy doubt, holding it at a distance to ruminate at another time.  This was her man who needed her.  Her man loved her.  It could be enough to live through another day.

     They moved together slowly.  His long fingers pressed into all her spots that made her brain pause and relish him the most.  His teeth scraped against her earlobe.  She reached up, allowing her breasts to be the landing for his chin as he sat up into her, pushing himself into her to fill her cunt so perfectly.  Her head fell back; her mouth emitting a low, long breath as rocked his cock into her, striking that spot that he knew would unravel her and unbind her stitched up bits and bites that toiled within her thoughts to unleash her to a better time.  Looking into the soft gaze of his eyes, she felt her heart spill open, giving him all she had, all she could ever have, just for her Samuel.

     Fragile gasps and tender moans filled her ears.  Susannah needed the minutes together to stretch, to encompass her, but it was over too quickly.  The softness was replaced with a stillness that mirrored the achy void that appeared within her chest.  She watched with hidden dismay as Sam bustled around, dressing and saying goodbye before she was able to lift her head once more.

     The minutes seemed to be speeding at her as she slogged through getting ready for her day.  She had hoped that Molly would stop in, but by early afternoon, it seemed that even her closest friend had forgotten her.  Dressing, she headed toward the pharmacy.  She had never noticed the dismal way people looked upon her.  She pulled the fabric of her light coat closer to her body as a chill ran up her neck.

     A sign in the window caught her eye.  A woman sat slumped in a chair with no energy.  A simple sniff later and she was running with a smile through her house chores.  The little note said to ask the pharmacist about the great new stimulant to “keep the world moving!”  She stepped inside to get laudanum,  but left with a vial of heroin.

Chapter Fifteen: Pt 2, Molly POV

     She felt like her insides were going to turn to mush and escape out the window.  Danny laughed beside her as she fiddled with the simple gold band that had suddenly taken residence on her left hand.  The ring felt like it weighed a ton.  She would swear that it held a heat about as well.  Like it was trying to burn into her flesh to keep it from sliding away.  Be it madness or true love, they were hitched and absolutely giddy about it.  

     Molly did not like the notion of explaining it all to everyone, all at once.  She worried about Susannah.  Her friend was leaning into her fragility once more.  This was news that she may not be able to digest in the group setting.  Danny proposed while they were in Norway, sitting at the cafe over sandwiches.  The justice of the peace was available and it just happened.  Impulsive, crazy, and perfect.  No one knew what Danny may have been planning.  Not even Sam.  Of course, it still meant all the obstacles were still in place.  Josh would never allow their marriage to smudge the all too important reputation in the public eye.  However, Molly did not much care.  She was not like Susannah, pining away for a time that most likely would not happen.  When they could be together without judgment for the positions they kept was not going to be anytime soon, so why bother the brain about it.  Molly wanted only to enjoy what they had in the ‘now’ and worry about such as time as being part of accepted society when it actually happened.

     They arrived back in Kingsford just as the evening fell.  They spoke not a word of logistics.  There was no way she would spend the night in the Kiszka household.  Josh would rather dip Danny in acid than to have that happen and explain to the neighbors that it was all right, they were a proper married couple after all.  

     Dressed for the Lantern, they descended through the staff entrance to find everyone at the family perch.  As it was Saturday, Cora was even with the group.  Her presence had seemed to steady the ship that seemed to be run aground in the worst possible manner ever.  Molly wondered if the woman provided a reminder of the direction that any of them once had - to finish a job that none of them actually wanted, with the exception of Joshua.  Even that notion was thin as Josh seemed his most happy when things were just starting out with the shops and dancehall were just getting established.  

     “Where the fuck have you two been?”  Sam barked with a grin as they sauntered up to the table.

     Instead of any announcement, Molly simply held her left hand up to flash the band.  Cora laughed warmly as Jacob and Sam clamored over to the groom to congratulate him.  Josh flagged the bartender calling out for champagne and cigars.  Her eyes drifted to Susannah and found a teary, surprised friend that seemed glued to her seat.  Cora was quick to rise to her feet upon noticing the struggle and wrapped her in a hug that was reassuring.  

     “Come on, honey mama,”  she said to Susannah with the biggest smile she could muster.  “Lay your worst on me.”

     The woman’s dark eyes curved and prickled with a happiness that suddenly filled the rest of her body.  Susannah stood and wrapped her arms around her, holding so tight she was sure there would be bruises on her arms and shoulders.  The twinkling laugh that she let out reinforced everything that Molly was feeling from the first moments of the morning when Danny offhandedly said that should get married.

     “Love you, baby,”  Molly whispered against her friend’s ear.

     “Alright, come on, let’s get this going!”  Joshua announced, handing out the champagne.

     Molly reached across, taking Danny’s cigar and puffed it a few times with a huge belly laugh.  The night became a blur of dancing and drinks and celebration.   Her husband beamed the entire night.  She could not believe that such a simple thing, a simply worded commitment could have such an effect on both of them - all of them.  She just hoped that perhaps they were finally heading back to black with the plan of leaving the town behind once the job was done.

     It was close to three in the morning and everyone but Susannah was dragging.  She was still twirling on the dancefloor with Sam as the others were slinking away to put an end to the night.  Cora and Jacob were first to leave with another round of love and kindness.  Josh left at two.  Sam had been trying to get her to leave ever since, but it was like watching her being pulled by a string and pushed by an engine.  Molly felt a ping in her heart that she knew Susannah was not right.  She was being driven by something beyond herself.  

     “Hey, you ready?  I feel like we could disappear for a few days,”  he whispered in her ear.

    Molly watched as Susannah was toasting them once more.  Her heart strained against the concern she suddenly felt.  Danny was wrapping his long arms around her, lifting her against him to practically drag her away.  Susannah and Sam were laughing and waving happily.  Molly tried to ham it up, but at last glimpse, she could not help the stab of doubt that her friend had left within her thoughts.

Chapter Fifteen: Pt. 3, Cora POV

     The office that held all special accounts was about ten times the size of the Tiger’s closet breadth of space.  Cora had settled herself in amongst the ledgers and set to work immediately, familiarizing herself with Joshua’s method of record keeping, taking special care to note the subtleties between the legitimate businesses and the not so legitimate ones.  She quickly worked to understand the double language as well as coding to best serve the overall health of the Kiszka/Wagner affairs.

     The ledger before her was simply marked ‘Jacob’.  She was tapping on the edge of the desk in debate.  Joshua insisted everything in the room was a part of the variety of businesses they held.  She certainly did not want to be nosing around in Jacob’s personal accounts.  She would not really know what the ledger was for until she at least looked inside.

     After one last hesitation, she flipped the cover open to find that it was a register of rents for the Shipwright's Holdings Company.  Her brow pinched.  She knew that company - they were the landowner of her home on Park street.   Each page of the book was a different property, all carefully recorded with address, property values, the weekly/monthly rent values, renter information and due dates.  The properties were located all over Kingsford, and included residences, businesses, and farmland.  As she looked closer, the boundaries did not end within the town, but spanned all over Dickinson, Menominee, and Iron counties, with a few properties dotted all the way through the UP to the furthest reaches of the eastern and western borders.  The register was well organized by county, followed by type of property.  The business itself was impressive, bringing in nearly double what the general store and mercantile shops brought in revenues combined.  

      Thumbing her way through the Dickinson County residences, she found the house on Park.  He had purchased it the year before.  She traced the names on the leases until it stopped with her own name, but there were no entries of any of her rent installments.  A hard noise escaped her as she realized that although the amount of rent that she was paying was the same as each of the prior residents, none of the money that she had paid in had been recorded.

     Cora paged through the rest of the ledger, but returned to her page - her entry.  She finally set the book to the side, open and waiting as she moved on to Joshua’s business markets and holdings.  In the few weeks since her return to Kingsford, she had been surprised to find that Joshua had replaced her in the Tiger.  To find that he wanted her in the bank, with the possibility of more management duties in the shops had her dazed.  He bumped her salary up to twenty five dollars a week.  It was so much that she was beginning to tuck dollars away for Matthew to attend college, as well as a sum to send to Junie to help.  

     Jacob and Danny had left on a run that morning, which meant that she was going to have to stew on the found information for at least four days.  She was aware that she would have had to go through a male counterpart of some kind in order to find a residence in town - no matter if it was Jacob or not.  More than likely, it would have had to have been a representative of the bank that she would have counted on to secure her just the ability to look at rentals.  The fact that Jacob helped was not what was troublesome.  It was the fact that it was his personal company that owned the home and it was obvious that he was not recording her rental payments at all.  Her mind kept returning to the open book even though she continued to work on organizing the books according to what she needed in the office bookcases.

     “How about some lunch with me, lovely?”  Joshua asked as he stopped in her doorway.

     She looked up at him, her eyes needing a moment to refocus.  “Oh…”

     “All well?”  he asked, moving towards the desk, eyes roaming across what she was working on, falling into the open rental ledger.  He nodded with a soft tug on the corner of his mouth.  “Yeah, Jake’s been at that since day one that we’ve been here.  He has an eye for property and good renters.  He acts like he doesn’t have a head for business, but truthfully, he’s a natural.”

     He smiled wide and held out his arm for her to take.  “Come on, Cora.  Come have lunch.”

     It surprised her to see Joshua in the diner versus The Boudreau.  He seemed younger sitting in the booth, eyes squarely on her, instead of knowing that being seen was more important by his business counterparts.  To hear him actually laugh, not the polite laugh, but his belly laugh over something she had said about Jacob had nearly startled her.  In the end, however, she felt more of an equal with Joshua than she had ever felt before.

      The week stretched on.  Cora remained in her routine of work and getting home to hear about the boys in their day.  Matthew had excelled beyond the teacher’s ability and spent more time aiding the older students than focusing on his own studies.  Jon was always a bit bashful, but Georgie would talk up how Jon, not Matthew, was really the smartest in that school.  Rosemary was busy at the laundry; mending and tailoring had become her niche.  

     Thursday afternoon brought her to the last few of the Lantern registers.  The office no longer looked like a frantic library that had no bookcases.  Josh strolled into her office around noon each day in what seemed to be a new routine for him to pick her up for lunch.  They were just returning to the bank when he decided to stop in at the shops.

     “I have a few new duties for you,”  he explained, walking her back to the office.

     Her eye had caught Renee who quietly smiled and waved to her.  Joshua would have her begin to close up the register and shops on those days that required him to be at the bank or longer hours.  Her hands would go a long way in aiding the family.  He told her not to worry about wages on Saturdays, but the days of the week would be her time to finish out the shops.

     Jacob was walking towards them from the alley as they headed back towards the bank.  His eyes lit with a huge smile.

     “There you are,”  he said, holding his hand out to her.

     Her heart mirrored his smile as he tucked her into him, brushing his lips against her neck in a light kiss.  

     “Looks like a successful last run of the season,”  Josh remarked with a nod and a pat to his twin’s shoulder.  

     Jacob hummed in agreement.  “All trucks accounted for.  All are southbound and headed on their way.  We are done for the season.”

     “We’ll have to celebrate Sunday,”  Josh said warmly.  “Big supper and the picture show?”

     Jacob nodded as they walked towards the bank.  “Sound good, Finch?”

     Cora grinned at him and nodded.  Films were important.  The stories were important to Jacob, while the actual pieces and functions of the film were important to Joshua.  To be able to watch the differences between the two in the movie theater was something to treasure.  The debate they would have for the week after was tiresome at times, but interesting at how every kernel and niche had to be explored just to decide whether it was a good film or not, rotted her brain.  

     Walking into the bank, she tugged Jacob along just as he was about to let her go to her office alone.  “I have a question for you,”  she said, keeping her face neutral.

     He raised an eyebrow but followed anyway.  She closed the door behind them.  Jacob turned round on her, catching her and pressing her up against the closed door.  His mouth brushed against hers before pressing in against her.  The weight of him made her brain fuzz over as her body instantly welcomed his touch.  His hands pressed against her sides, sliding down her curves, ending at the swell of her bottom and his tongue deep in her mouth.  He set every fiber of her body on fire within two seconds of his return home. 

     He paused, her breath came in fast waves as she dropped her chin and leaned against his chest.  Her purpose returned as her thoughts cleared.  Her hand pressed against his shoulder as she slid away from him.  

     “You’ve made quick work of this in here,”  he said softly as he seemed to collect himself.

     “I’ve tried to.  It’s been a challenge.  I’ll be taking all of the necessary ledgers to the house soon,”  she remarked as she reached for the ledger marked ‘Jacob’.  “I came across this.”

     She set the ledger on the desk in front of him as he moved closer.  His dark eyes landed on it and did not move.  He humphed, and was about to dismiss it until he looked back at her.  Cora raised an eyebrow.

     “Imagine my surprise that I discovered you are my landlord, Jacob,”  she said, opening the cover and getting to her page.  

      “It started out as a side business,”  he shrugged.  “I mean, Josh has his market shares in so many more shops and organizations-”

     “But this is solely yours,”  she said, pointing at her name.

     “I’m not sure where you’re leading me, Finch.”

     “I’ve made three rent payments, none of which are recorded.”

     He shrugged with a shake of his head.  “Still not sure what you want me to say.”

     Cora felt the corners of her eyes pinch.  Her emotions wanted to flare, but she fought to keep in check.  “Were you just remiss in my payments to your company?  I can page to any of your other holdings and they are all recorded.”

     “Not sure why you are upset about that-”

     “There’s very little autonomy in this world for a woman, Jacob,”  she said quietly in order to try to keep the heat out of her words.  “Making those rent payments on my own is important to me.”

      His face scrunched up.  “I understand.  But why are you upset about my books?  Those weren’t even supposed to be in here.”

     “I’m upset because you are obviously meticulous when it comes to all of your other holdings.  Why is there nothing showing for my rent payments?  Why are there no entries in here?”

      “I feel like any answer I give you is going to be wrong in this scenario.”

      “Fine - where is the money I have paid into Shipwright Holdings?  Start there.”

      “I divert the money you pay in rent to a separate account.”

      “Why would you do that?”

      “Cora, I don’t want to -”

      “I need you to understand that having that house is my way in this world.  I pay for that.  I get that it’s a pittance when it comes to the rest of your properties, but it should be going back into the business like all your other holdings.  So, where are you diverting my rent?  I certainly do not mean to be living there rent-free.  I entered a contract to pay-”

      He held his hands up.  “I divert your rent into an account that I set up for us.  I match the amount each time you make rent.  I…  It’s just something for us to get our start on.  I am investing in us.  It’s not something to be upset about.”

     She gritted her teeth.  “It’s not square.”

     “Fine.”  His eyes grew hard as he straightened his back.  When he spoke, his voice was without hardness, but it was different from his normal rasp.  It was professional and measured and without passion.  “Then how about looking at it this way, Cora.  The moment your payment is made, it is my decision to do with those monies as I see fit.  I take that payment and invest it into my personal future.  I match those funds and add a bit more of my personal allowance, so that each month one hundred dollars is deposited so that I may make a life with the woman that happens to be sitting in front of me right now.  Does that satisfy you?”

     Cora knew she had been scolded.  However, she did not look away.  Did not cry and buckle under him.  Instead, she sat back in the chair and said nothing.

     The corner of his mouth tugged as he tilted his head to the side.  “I know independence is important to you, baby.  You are so strong that way.  I’m not taking anything away.  I just thought that perhaps to have something that is just us, for us, and could be spent any way we wanted.  If you want to spend it on a home, or babies, or hell, tuition, that would be our choice.”

     “Tuition?”  Her brows pinched over that nugget.

     “Cora, if you want to go to school, I’d be more than happy to follow you there.  Or if you want to use it to send your brothers, so be it,”  he said warmly.  He laughed as it was obvious that his brain had lurched ahead of him.  “You may want to decide because all I can see is a huge house packed with our children.”

     “That many, huh?”  she asked, unable to keep the ire in her belly stoked and burning.

     “More,”  he whispered as he reached for her.

Nice to have them back, right?   I've got Chapter 15 all polished up and ready to go, so be sure to look for it tomorrow afternoon - okay?

I do have a tag list - you can find it here, or just let me know in the comments.  Thanks!

@lvnterninthenight @doodle417 @luverleaver @jakesgrapejuice @fictional-duchess @whitesuitjake @milkgemini @positivegvfthings @songbirds-sweet @streamingcolors-gvf @gretavanbitches @samsurfgreenbass @gardensgatedaisy @babyhoneygvfarchive @myownparadise96 @josh-iamyour-mama @starcatchercarol @loveisonaroll @jakesstarlight @reesetrippingthelight @builtby-gvf @ignite-my-fire @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @wetkleenex-gvf @gold-mines-melting @starsasone @puzzle-gvf @mysticalstarcatcher @montenegroisr @takenbythemadness @way-to-go-lad @cal-a-bungaa @lightmylove-gvf @thewritingbeforesunrise @leftjudgeempathsuitcase @brokenbells11 @imborrowedshesblue @vanfleeter @sammysvanfeet @jakekiszkasbuttsweat @jaketlove @redsierra1960 @gvfmarge @becinabubblegvf @wildbluesorbit @sinarainbows

[cloudplpnt]

talking about armored core all day because of the short film/episode AC is going to have is crazy - i like that most people share the same opinions as i do! i kind of want to type them, so i might as well. it’s a little rambly. none of it is particularly important or a real concern, and more just because i think too much, LMAO

-

the overall ‘vibe’ is definitely reminiscent of later AC generations, but i have a feeling that it’s largely going to ride on ac6 because of popularity/recency, even if this is some sort of original story.

there seem to be bits and pieces from prior games here and there, like the cockpit and pilot getup feel reminiscent of V/VD (the cockpit moreso because of the official media we have of said cockpits), the VOB-like boosters like from FA, and the generally blue-tinted visuals they have going on are definitely touching AC6. the setting in the few shots we see do feel in line with later AC (wasteland, some destruction - the big ‘machine’ in the distance evokes an arms fort or the strider) but for these same reasons, i’m worried that it could end up more like ..fallout, instead of AC?

it’s difficult to explain, but it think it comes with the fact that this is about ‘armored core’ as a franchise, so it must be trying to either encompass themes of multiple games, or what feels like AC rather than a direct relation to a specific generation. the appearance of our pilot, even if i remark the V/VD similarity, it makes me wonder if what we’re going to get might not be the sort of corporate-ruled world we often have, where you have a handler or liaison. instead, maybe we really are following some individual in the style of the background mercenaries of AC6 or the mercenaries in 5th gen? to put it simply, they might not be ‘ravens’ as we know them?

i’m worried we might lose the concept of ravens’ so-called ‘freedom’ and the emphasis of every AC; the devaluing of human life and humanity by the corporations that use everything for their own greed, in favor of something that’s easier to digest or ‘cooler’ for the audience.

one of the greatest details of AC to me is the emphasis on the machine - not only the machinations of the world but the ACs themselves that are a reflection of it, and the fact that ultimately you as the pilot are one of many who are essentially exploited by this sort of world. main character syndrome (the player) aside.

i’m not even sure if we’ll get the names of existing corporations here, just because of the vague sense of familiarity that isn’t totally there. there’s also the fact that the way ‘secret level’ is presented reminds me a bit of ready player one, so it’s possible that all of these different franchises will have their stories, but it won’t be a very loyal adaptation of anything.

AC suffers a bit more here, since the other games have iconic characters, stories, and settings, but AC we know for the titular ACs *and* the recurring concepts and character types in the games, so it’s complicated to touch on everything in a specific way rather than just the feeling! and that’s not to forget the visuals of the games!

the broadness is both a convenience and the reason why it could be difficult to work with, or accurately represent the image and feel that makes AC.

that’s a lot to say when we only got a few seconds’ worth of viewing time, but i can’t resist thinking. most of this is just me, i’m sure! for all i know, all of this might get flipped on its head. my thoughts on the armored core itself are a bit more direct though.

i was a little disappointed that the head didn’t look like a variant of the iconic mono-eye!

it does in the side view shot, but when we’re given a proper look from the front it’s like a strange shade-eye (+ megatron’s head, lol).. unless if that was actually a different mech? the core is also a peculiar shape, but it was difficult to see it from the angles we got so i’m not sure what to say about it. the range of movement and structure also seems more human-like than the z-axis-inclined ACs do, but i was pleased that the hand fit the design of AC hands - the gap between the fingers and palm even when in closed position, the guard panels, and the overall construction of the joints evoked the right image for me. the arms felt kind of large and bulky though. i’m a little scared that the AC could be more like a power suit than an AC, but we didn’t get to see much so far!

i hope that if we see other ACs or more of our main AC here, that we get parts that resemble the ones we know! that’d be great, since so much of what makes armored core well.. armored core, are the parts. it’d be a bit sad to have AC media without a single recognizable icon, be it certain parts or weapons. some well-known references could be cool too, but not sure if they’ll go that far.

anyway i could go on for a long time, but i don’t want to write a whole essay about 10 seconds;; regardless of what i say, i’m still curious about what we’re going to get. my hopes aren’t insanely high but i’m not particularly negative about this either, since it’s still more AC media after a drought!

edit: wanted to drop a few additional thoughts; i really do hope that the animation will feel like AC! generally fromsoft knows how to do this best, and it makes sense given that they’ve gotten it down all this time. like the intros, they’re all stunning and iconic in their own ways, each fitting perfectly for the story or setting they’re made for. the feelings they evoke in only a minute or so through visuals, sound, and music.. that’s hard to replicate. i don’t expect one episode of a show that probably isn’t with in-house influence to do it, but y’know.

[i-didnt-hate-it]

I didn't hate Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire, honestly it was awesome!

I just got done watching it so I'm still digesting it, but here are my initial thoughts. Any potential spoilers will go under a break.

I went into GxK that it would be similar to GvK and the other Monsterverse films: big monkey hit big lizard, big lizard breathe laser, big monkey block laser with big axe, and so on. And don't get me wrong, it definitely was all that, all pro wrestling but with big monsters, but in a cooler way than what I thought. I'm still trying to figure out what all made GxK more than what I was expecting, but I think this is the main bit.

In today's media, there seems to basically be two options. Either you make a show on streaming, which means your seasons are too short so you have to sacrifice character to plot. Or you make a two to three hour long movie, which uses a big budget to explain either characters or concept, hopefully with something of a plot to tie it together.

But GxK is a secret third thing. Worldbuilding. Adding to lore. Letting the landscapes they paint and the creatures that inhabit them speak for themselves. There were long stretches of screentime where the titans weren't necessarily fighting, they were just doing their thing, exploring their worlds.

Now obviously we need some humans to A, be able to connect to the story some, and B, know what is actually going on. Because while I would love a completely dialogue kaiju movie, the concepts and gimmicks of the Monsterverse just get too convoluted to figure out without Exposition Lady.

I can confirm that Legendary realized that the less human characters they have the better. The cast was relatively small, and while character development was minimal, they did make me feel some feelings toward some of the humans. But they made the right call not giving them too much of the story. What is this, Godzilla Minus One?

It's not, and if you can go into it knowing that it isn't even close to being the same movie as Minus One, and just watch it as a fun Monsterverse entry, I think you'll love it. The music is great too, better than GvK, imo. VFX were awesome too.

Okay, now for some spoilers, just random extra thoughts:

Godzilla really did the OMG MOTHRA!!! thing from that one meme! And I did too tbh, our Queen is back and beautiful as ever!

I love how it wasn't an instant father/son connection between Kong and Mini-Kong (I don't remember his name). Kong tried to help him out a couple times, but then gave up after MINI KONG TRIED TO KILL HIM LIKE MULTIPLE TIMES! Like come on, this little guy is just chaotic. But like they actually had growth in their trust and relationship, it wasn't just like "me big, you little, I dad now".

Scar King was actually a lot cooler than I was expecting. Shimo/Shimu whatever her name is did not have as big a role as I was expecting, but I'm glad she's okay.

Shout out to Mothra for stopping her boyfriend from killing Kong, helping them in Hollow Earth, and then just chilling when they all went to Rio. She said, "you guys got this, right?"

When I saw there was another hollow earth inside Hollow Earth, I'll admit I had a bit of an eye roll. But they explained it away pretty well.

SCOTTISH GUY THAT SAID SHIT IN STAR WARS. Alex Ferns is literally the same character he was in Andor.

I love how they imply that they basically imply that the Iwi had something to do with building the pyramids in Egypt by having the portal thing open RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. Made a cool setting for the fight, too.

At this point, I have no idea how big the Coliseum actually is.

Last thing, for now. For having top billing, Godzilla wasn't in it as much as I thought he might be. I think Legendary is realizing that if you have a character like Godzilla who can just level up his powers instantly to take on anything, and just kinda does his own thing, you've gotta limit that screen time. Since Kong is kinda humanoid, it's easier to empathize with him and thus add character development. Godzilla can only convey so much emotion that most humans can relate to (obviously Shin and Minus convey a lot of emotions, but anyway). Godzilla is in the movie, but Kong is more of the star. Honestly the world of the Hollow Earth and the Iwi people and their history are almost as much of the focus.

[froggibus]

updates

for veteran followers, newcomers & people just browsing, a quick reminder on how this works, the kind of content posted here + a bit of an explanation! (of course, if im rambling, feel free to skip to the TLDR at the bottom ♥)

essentially, i have a bit of a bad habit of scattering all of my updates and news across various fanfic posts. ill probably continue to do this, but i know not everyone reads every post, so you're probably missing out on some info you might want to know

"like what?" mainly, requests + request statuses. but instead of making you guys scour through the depths of my posts to find out if i even received your requests, i thought it would be easier to just post it all here.

content you can expect here:

requests ive received and going to work on

WIPs im planning on posting soon

breaks, hiatuses, changes in plans & planned content

random life updates (sometimes)

to make it easier to digest (+ more relevant to you guys), its going to be in order of newest to oldest. (example: oct 2023 would come before jan 2023)

thank you guys, keep being amazing ♥

TLDR: ive decided to put all of my updates on requests, request status, wips + breaks etc in one place. its gonna be in order of newest to oldest, and ill update here whenever there's news :)

SEPT 26. 2024:

hi so sorry i know i've been inactive lately!

between breaking up w/ my long term bf, moving to a new city & starting school, things have been super chaotic & i haven't had much motivation to write :,)

requests are (tentatively) open to non-smut until kinktober starts on the 1st, and from there probably won't be doing any til the end of the month!

kinktober masterlist

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JULY 13. 2024:

summer suntacular was SO MUCH FUN!!! thank you to everyone who participated ^^ i really enjoyed doing this follower event & super looking forward to doing more w you guys in the future!

requests are finally open again! i am probably only gonna take about 6 - 10 depending on the complexity/types of reqs i get + only about 2-3 per character (to prevent another Venturepocalypse) ^^ super excited to see what everyone comes up with ♥

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JULY 1. 2024:

happy canada d’eh!

currently doing a bit of a rework on this blog! changing the way I interact w content on Tumblr to make it less spammy & more relevant for you guys!

requests are still closed as ive been really struggling with my writing as of lately :,) but once I sort them & catch up they’ll be open!

- - - -

JUNE 1. 2024:

happy pride ^.^

still working through requests right now & also working on something fun for summer! come vote in our summer solstice poll and feel free to come talk to me about all your summer faves & thirsts!

- - - -

MAY. 27 2024:

requests are currently closed! thanks to everyone who sent one in—im just catching up on them now ^~^

- - - -

MAY. 26 2024:

i’ve received quite a few requests this week that i am already working on :D im sick atm so it might take me a little bit longer to get through them all tho !!

changing up my rules slightly & retagging certain stories as well!

- - - -

APR. 3 2024:

thanks to everyone who booped me on April Fools :) I had a lot of fun interacting with everyone

requests are open!!! all of the ones submitted prior to March 24th have been deleted, but feel free to send them again if they follow the updated rules (found here)

I am also working on a small writing project that I may or may not post for my birthday in two weeks, so we’ll see how that goes

- - - -

MAR. 21 2024

requests are closed! rules for requests are being updated and all current requests are being cleared. feel free to resubmit afterwards!

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MAR. 17 2024:

- deleted Romeo & Ghouliet. I really wasn’t feeling like writing anymore, I struggled a lot with taking it in the direction I wanted it to go

- will be updating the graphics & theme of the blog this week so stay tuned!

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JAN. 22 2024:

we are officially heading into Valentine's season, and with that, I want your input on what you would like to see on the blog for that! you can vote here. have more input? have a request? send them to me here!

working on some fics, including OW Women HCs, poly! SatoSugu, Dick Grayson x civilian! reader, and possibly a series as well

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NOV. 14 2023:

currently not taking requests, sorry for the few people who submitted some this week! working on a cozy christmassy Dick Grayson fic rn, and possibly something exciting for the holiday season

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NOV. 1 2023:

life got way more hectic than i anticipated this month and because of that, i wasn't able to write for kinktober the way i originally planned. hopefully next year ill be better prepared and able to deliver quality content consistently. sorry to anyone who is disappointed! ♥

[moonsplit]

HIIIIIIIIIIIIII

i was wondering if i could request some fluffy or angsty toh hunter×gn!bard!reader headcannons.

that's the overall request, but if i can get a little specific, i would like if you'd include something about the reader being an actual half witch half human, maybe they get angry/sad because everyone uses the term half-a-witch as if it's something to be ashamed of being.

seeing hunter being so appreciative of willow in for the future made me get back into my hunter brainrot and honestly your fluffy hunter hcs were one of the only good hunter×reader work i could find here, i got SO SAD when i realized that was the only work you had published, so here i am, begging for more.

anyway, thx byeeeeee!

↠ "Half-a-witch, huh?" ↞

* pairing ↠ TOH - Hunter x gn!bard!reader * word count ↠ 881 * tags ↠ fluff, soft angst,

* notes ↠ This is the biggest compliment ever omg!! Thank you anon :D

You had a rough time growing up, hearing everyone use what you were as an insult

"Half-a-witch" this and "half-a-witch" that

It wasn't fun having everyone berate and doubt you for it either

People with better intentions would praise you for basic spells

Things you learned in grade school

Even if it did take you a bit longer to learn, they didn't have to treat you as if your existence was weird and wrong

Joining the bard track at Hexside was a choice you'd never regret, but some days people would get insufferable

As if using an instrument was "easier" than spell circles and didn't take even more training and practice just to get right

But noooo, the only thing easier than the bard track was potions, clearly

Meeting Hunter for the first time was certainly.. an experience

Why was this guy camping out at school?

The Boiling Isles was unique, sure, but as far as you knew there weren't many people living in the hidden areas of school

He stumbled over his introduction before running off, you chasing after him

Through a series of convoluted events, you got wrapped up in everything

It started with Hunter, you bringing him snacks and trying to pry any information from this weirdo you could

But, well, the whole school got covered in illusions

You managed to run into him and Gus, the three of you joining forces

Music was useful after all, while Gus could see through the illusion, you could use what was essentially echolocation

The panic attack he had.. wait-

He was the freaking golden guard??

Okay, okay, more important things to think about

But still, pretty important revelation that you're definitely gonna ask about later

And.. the day of unity? It was a sham?

You learned so much in the past day it was hard to digest

You went home, sulking into the familiarity of your bed

And the next day, or, next few days- leading up to the day, you joined the CATS, and their plans-

You were too deep, even if you didn't want to help, which you did, you also probably had a target on your back from being seen with Hunter

When the day came, you were shaken to your core

Everything was happening so fast, so many people to their knees-

Not to mention you were in the freaking human realm

You had been told by your mom that she managed to wander through a door, getting trapped in the demon realm

So you'd only ever heard stories of rain that was cold, the lack of magic..

You had always wanted to see it, your other parent had too- but the two of you only ever got stories from your mom

The victory of it was overshadowed by the fear

Everyone was badly injured, only one of you had been here before, and oh yeah, let's not forget to mention, you had no way of knowing what happened after you left!

It was high tensions for everyone

You spent the months growing close to the group, particularly Hunter

He was the first person you had made your friend, it was only natural you gravitated towards him

You ended up spilling your life's story to him, just a smidge

He listened as you told him about your parents, a brief complaint about "half-a-witch" sending him into a rant

"That insult is stupid, you have some of the most unique bard magic I've seen despite being half human! Luz beat me in a duel with her glyphs, and she's not even half witch, Willow's plant magic is seriously powerful, even-"

He cut himself off, faltering and putting his hands back in his lap. "Sorry."

He shook his head, when you tried to get him to keep going. Well, that was alright- baby steps, I guess.

"You think my technique is unique?"

"It's similar to old wild magic, your spell circles- were they plant or construction? They could both be useful with bard magic now that I think about it..." he trailed off, mumbling as he tried to work it out in his head.

"You saw those? I thought I was subtle! They were so tiny too,"

"It's my job to be observant, I'm the Golden Gua-"

It went silent

Hunter fiddled with his hands and shirt.

You put a hand over his own, causing him to flinch harder than you had seen someone flinch before and push your hand away

"It's okay, it takes time."

"How long is this going to go on? I can't take it."

Neither of you had an answer, of course.

Sure, you guys were safe- relatively, at least

But you couldn't stay in the human realm with no way back

And neither of you had gone through what Hunter was going through

You didn't even know the full extent of it

You spoke up after a few moments of pure silence, save for breathing

"I don't know, but I'll stay by your side. If you'll let me."

"I think I'd like that. Is that weird? That feels weird?"

"Nah, I think Luz made a bet on it though."

"A bet on what?"

You shrugged. "Who knows? It's Luz."

If you could capture the snicker that came from him for eternity, you would.

[1800titz]

Thank you for being so kind to that anon you got about your writing style! It’s so nice seeing people have productive and kind conversations rather than unecessary harshness💗 it’s made me really appreciate you even more as a writer and a person (and I’m already a big fan of all your works as it is🤭)! I struggle a with my attention sometimes so can find purple prose a little challenging to read so I can understand where the first anon was coming from - a little bit of advice for them that may help is reading slowly, taking each word in bit by bit, and visualising as much as possible! I also google words here and there that I’m not 100% sure on/don’t come across as often and read again which helps too😊 I find more complex books and fics so much easier to digest and enjoy now that I’ve learnt how to take them in so hopefully that might be good to know! xxxx

Yeah oh my gosh, and thank you to that anon for being kind as well. They had good intentions for sure. As long as someone is kind and respectful in my inbox, they will get the same respect in return! And when it comes to negative/rude asks, I never really respond unless I’m doing some form of announcement or general statement, so that negative energy just gets ignored! I definitely like to keep this space positive, because it means a lot to me. This is a really nice ask and I want to thank you for the support!

I think *purple prose* is supposed to be an inherently negative term for *lyrical prose*, but I think how “purple” something is is really, really subjective. Which is why I said the stuff I personally might like to see borders on what would be “purple” for others, if it already isn’t. Also, I think this is really good, general advice for any sort of prose that isn’t cut and dried Hemingway style— especially the part where you talked about taking things bit by bit. I think really flowery prose can put an emphasis on immersion, or maybe it would require someone to read between the lines and link a metaphor with an aspect of the story. Which could definitely require some effort on the reader’s part. I think there’s prose for everything— if you want an easy, relaxing read to just consume, and if you want something to analyze that requires you to dig into a little. Both have their own strong suits and fit different situations, and I can see why people enjoy both! :D

[inherstars]

Spring Thaw | The Last of Us (6 of 7)

Last part before I turn in for the night! I've probably got one section left in me as I wrap this up, so if there's anything in particular you'd like to see, or want included, feel free to send me an ask or whatever, and I'll do my best. Previous section here.

A hollow opened up in Ellie’s stomach, her skin abruptly clammy.  Suddenly, horribly, she didn’t want this knowledge.  She didn’t want this part of him revealed to her, afraid of it in a way she couldn’t pin down.  The past was a constant phantom at Joel’s back, haunting him, threatening to take him away…. it was easier to think of him as complete the way he was, without any other secrets that might tempt him to abandon her.

Perhaps, that he was sharing it at all, was all the evidence she needed that he was here to stay.

Joel felt the stroking of her hand stop, then start again, and gave her a minute to process it before he continued.

“Her name was Meredith.  Only her folks called her that, to everybody else she was Merry.  We were damn young when she got pregnant with Sarah.  My folks were OK with us doin' whatever, but her folks were... a bit more strict.  They were pretty set on her gettin' rid of the baby one way or another.”

“So,” he continued.  “Round about four months along she came to me, and she said 'I want this baby, and I want her with you.'  And we hatched this plan.  Kinda’ plan you only come up with when you're young, and desperate, and a little stupid besides.  We went to one of them... not sure what you'd call it, but like a wedding chapel.  No big fuss, just us and your Unc---"  He stopped and let out a grating sight, frustrated with himself.  "Just us and Tommy as a witness.  Got her a gas station bouquet of carnations just before we got there, and we tied the knot."

Ellie relaxed more and more, the longer he talked.  She couldn’t remember Joel ever saying this many words at one time, and the steady freight-train rhythm of his voice put her quietly at ease.  This was not a story he recounted easily or lightly.  There was as much meaning in the telling as the story itself.

“Sounds romantic,” she said softly.  He huffed with a single, laughing breath.

“She thought so.  Wore this long cotton sun dress, white lace cowboy hat.  Look, it was Texas, and… anyway.  There we were.  Newly minted Mr. an Mrs. Miller.  Best day of my life, up to that point.”

Ellie’s hand timidly went back to stroking his hair.

This time he was quiet for a long while, the rhythm of his breathing the only indication to Ellie that he hadn’t drifted off again.

"Merry had some complications towards the end,” he said at last. “Hospital wanted to keep her until the baby was born.  Labor went off without a hitch, and Sarah was..."  He drifted again, far away from the tent, the patter of rain, the weight of his head in her lap. "...well.  Prettiest thing I ever saw.  Don't know that I can do right by what that felt like, seeing her for the first time.  Getting to hold her in my arms.  I knew -- right then, no question, no qualification -- I was her Dad.  I'd do anything for her, to keep her safe. And if I took my last breath staring into my daughter's eyes, well... I'd be alright to meet my maker."

Joel turned his head again to look up at her.  "I'd shifted gears, you understand.  Whatever else I did in my life, whatever else I was, from that moment I was Sarah's Dad, and I was good and stuck in that gear, no matter how long I was gonna be on that road."

Ellie understood the message, but she took her time processing all it implied.

“What… what happened to Sarah’s Mom?”

His head relaxed again, another quiet era passing as he digested the story, parsing the memories into something he could share without needing to relive it so keenly as he did every time he closed his eyes.

"The day after Sarah was born, they were gettin' Merry ready for discharge.  She was in bed, waiting for the nurse to come help her get washed up and dressed.  I was with her.  She got this... look.  Don't know how to explain it.  She asked me if I’d hold Sarah for a minute, she felt funny.  So I took her, and... Merry gets up from the bed, stands there a half second and just..."  He was quiet.  Another epoch of silence passed as he stared, the words coming secondary to whatever tragedy unfolded in his head.

"I had the baby in my arms,” he murmured.  “Couldn't even stop her from falling.  It was like watching somebody flip off a power switch.  She just collapsed.  Never got up again."

“Oh my God…”

Joel cleared his throat, overwhelmed.

"They said it was, uh... embolism. Pulmonary embolism.  She gave birth to Sarah, got to hold her for just a little while, and then she was gone.  Then it was just Sarah and me.  Then it was just me."

“Wh… what about her parents?  Sarah’s grandparents?”

"Me and Merry were married by then, so not much they could do, legally.  They offered me money to put her up for adoption.  Fuckin' pieces of..." 

Joel reeled himself back from the edge of anger.  What good would it do now, to stoke hatred for two people who had probably died horribly some twenty years prior.

"They figured out pretty quick that I wasn't gonna budge,” he said.  “But they also knew I was flat broke, and couldn't even afford to bury their daughter.  They said if I signed over her body, turned over anything that belonged to her, and let them bury her how they wanted, they'd give me a couple thousand dollars and leave me alone.  So I... took a piece or two for Sarah to keep, and hid them away.   Gave them everything else.  I took their fuckin' money and bought a pickup truck.  Started doing junk hauling.  Cleanouts.  Then handyman work with Tommy, when he got out of the military. And that was that.  We were on our way."

Joel didn’t turn to look at her this time, but his eyes slipped to their corners, fixing on the high arch of the tent overhead.  She continued to pet him like an old, tired sheepdog, and he didn’t protest it.

"But I'm... I'm like that truck, Ellie, that’s the point I’m trying to make to you.  I shifted into a certain gear when Sarah was born, and I... I can't get out of it.  Not that I don't appreciate going slower or faster, not that I didn't love Tess, or enjoy her company, but what she wanted from me... I wasn't in that gear anymore.  I couldn't be.  Still can't, if I'm being honest.  And I'm OK with that."  He finally rolled to his back, risking a coughing fit to look at her gently.  "Ellie, I need you to be OK with that too."

Stupid, heartbreaking, puppy-dog eyed, Permanent-Dad-Gear Joel Miller.

Ellie said, voice small, “Okay.”

He held her eyes, nodding a little. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

He exhaled carefully, rolling back to his side.  After a moment of silence and stillness he said, “You can keep on, what you were doing. That felt pretty nice.”

Ellie dragged her fingers gently through his hair, listening to the rain on the canvas until another question came to her.

"What was Merry like? Was she anything like Tess?"

Joel couldn’t be sure if she was trying to suss out if he had a type, but decided that, at this point, it probably didn’t matter.

"She was... sweet. Too sweet for her own good, probably, and definitely sweeter than I deserved. She liked making pies and writing poetry. Loved birds.”

“Ohhh.”

“Yeah, that’s where that comes from.  She wanted to do good in the world, and just... spend the rest of her life making things easier on other people. So, uh... yeah, not quite anything like Tess." He hesitated, a little guilty.  "I don't mean that as a slight against Tess. She was the woman she needed to be to survive, and I appreciated a lot of things about her, too. But. Some people you love because of the person you become when you're around them. Some people... in spite of it."

Ellie must have decided that last observation hit a little too close to home, because she abruptly ran out of questions.  Joel freed one hand from under the blanket, giving her knee a squeeze.

“You regret any of this yet, kid?"

“No. I actually feel like I understand you better. But uh... so that there’s no misunderstanding, I'm not moving back into the house. You know I have hot running water out there, right? I can’t go back to the hot-plate and-gravity-shower life.  I'm not giving that up."

He trembled with a little chuckle.  “Yeah, I can't say as I blame you."

Continued here.

[sailoryooons]

Completed my first read of 2024 tonight! As promised, I'm tracking my reading/ratings of each book as I finished them in 2024 here with you all! I will be tracking all of my book reading ratings and thoughts with #halislibrary if you would like to block the tag/don't want to see these!

The Hunger of the Gods by John Gwynne

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Completed: January 3, 2025

BOOK DETAILS

Book 2 of 3

High fantasy/epic adventure world

625 pages of actual reading

It's written by John Gywnne which is reason enough to read it

The third and final installment is supposed to be coming out in 2024, but remains unnamed so I'm not entirely sure

READ IF YOU LIKE:

Action sequences

A lot of monsters, lore and gods

Norse mythology in general

Tales of vengeance, honor and blood debts

Difficult character journeys/characters who struggle a lot to reach their goal

Extensive world-building but easily digestible - would be easier if you're familiar with Norse mythology already

Multiple POVs for narration

Strong female characters

Angry Mommy Who Wants Her Child and Revenge

Gods with petty sibling rivalries

THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME:

My copy had a ton of printing errors that I found very distracting. There were over 20 misplaced commas, quotation marks, spacing issues and in one instance a character was named entirely wrong (as in they referenced the wrong character in the sentence) so I found that weird and wildly distracting but it was obviously manageable/didn't impact the actual story - might trip up slow readers/anyone who struggles with reading.

A little bit of Middle Book Syndrome. They Go A Lot of Places and Then More Places and Do A Lot of Things But Not A Lot Happens. Think of all the walking and stopping and doing of Lord of the Rings.

Every time a character almost wins, they either actually lose or immediately suffer something else. This is fine mostly, but can be really frustrating when something you've been waiting to happen for over 600 pages goes wrong. This is a very personal issue, I get frustrated easily.

TRACKED TAG HERE

[genshin-scenarios]

THAT ENDIIINNNNNGGGGG NAUUUUURRRRRRR IM GONNA LOSE IT op that was so good aofbeufuebthrurhr I love this series sm and I'm so excited for the sequel ahhh!!!!! The fact that Kuni still experiences everything makes me so sad :(((( i hope they both remember eachother but it does beg the question : for Kuni it's been 400 years, how would the memories change anything Abt how he feels or sees the world?? aaaaaaaaaa

I’M GLAD YOU GUYS SEEM TO BE RECEIVING IT WELL 👉👈 your ask actually got me thinking so I’m going to put the rest under the cut!

Potential spoilers for the sequel below! (Depends on which option I end up writing, only time will tell)

After the 3 betrayals: If this is when he receives his memories, it’d feel like one sick joke, wouldn’t it? 🥲 imagine that after he gives himself the name Kunikuzushi (country destroyer), he gets dreams/visions of his time in our world... 

Did you know all of this was going to happen to him? You even named him Kuni of all things, and would sometimes look at him as if there were regrets he didn’t know about. (Truth be told, that’s the exact reason Reader didn’t give him the full name Kunikuzushi, but calling him Scara or Wanderer might be even more obvious to his future stories)

He doesn’t even know if he should hate you or not - because in his memories, everything was pleasant and felt like home, but now he can’t help but consider if you were just tiding over that peaceful period before sending him back to this horrible place (Teyvat).

Are the people in his and your world different? Surely they couldn’t be too far apart. Yes, you probably just saw him as a pitiful puppet after all. That is all there is to it, so he buries the ache in his chest. Another candle is snuffed out, and he throws his emotions away and tries to forget about it all.

I think here though, if Reader arrives, they might be able to influence his thoughts a bit more! Give him more hope, even if he hesitates to believe they’re real and etc. They can probably tell what stage of his story he’s in just from a quick question, and that just solidifies the feeling of being small in his head. Why does everyone seem to know these things before him? Are his efforts really so futile?

As the Balladeer/Scaramouche: Maybe he’d be a little lost in his thoughts after getting these visions - with how even the sky is a lie, he doesn’t discount that these memories aren’t false at all (lets maybe say that he received them during the Stars event two years ago)

He doesn’t speak of it though. Scaramouche keeps these thoughts in the back of his mind, because working in the Fatui meant he couldn’t show weakness. In periods of solitude however, he does reflect on the things he can recall, but his emotions regarding them are a little more distanced. It’s harder to change his stance on the world at this point - he’s gripped onto the idea of how he has to survive now, however a thought does come to his mind:

If you were to arrive in Teyvat, would he be able to find you? He doesn’t know what he’d plan to do, but the idea does pass from time to time. You’ve kinda just become an imaginary friend in his head at this point /lh

As the Wanderer: !! He might think of his time with you as another “previous incarnation” of himself. With the tree and all, the concept is probably a bit easier to digest? 

Though now that he’s not a Fatui member anymore, he has more time to mull over the memories and accept them... and since he’s more at peace at this point in the story, he probably grows to give you the benefit of the doubt. As much as he wants to make an enemy of the word, you seem a bit too unintimidating to manipulate him. (/lh he’s just being himself)

Though he does wonder how you know about Teyvat, and what you’d think about the things here if you could witness it alongside him. I mean the internet is amazing and TV would be great right now, but you’ve never seen the elements at work or flown in the air. Would you be scared? 

A part of him wants to bully you if you ever get here, it could be funny (once again /lh, he’s just a bit salty about how you kept the truth from him, but if you did tell him he knows deep down it wouldn’t have made a difference, since your memories became blocked after being seperated). He just kind of wonders how you’re doing, or if you’re even still alive (it has been many many years since he returned)

[likeabxrdinflight]

I don't want to talk about this too much, but given there's been a recent escalation in the transphobic nonsense and, frankly, a flirtation with alt-right fascist sympathizers who agree with said transphobic nonsense, by the author who shall not be named, I'm wrestling a bit with the issue of my 11 year old cousin.

she's my first cousin's child, and I'm fairly close to her. she loves harry potter. she started reading the books several years before you know who went off the deep end, and at the time, I encouraged it and encouraged her parents to support that love of harry potter because I know from experience that harry potter is a gateway into a love of reading. and to some extent I was right- this kid is now reading the wicked books. she's so smart, and so capable of digesting these more complicated novels, and I can't bear the idea of anything ripping that love of reading away from her. nor would I ever want this kid to lose something that might give her comfort or an escape- god knows I remember how much fantasy and fiction, but harry potter especially, gave me a home when I felt lost and confused and alone.

and I know this kid's been having a hard time recently- she had to switch schools and, according to her grandmother (my aunt) she's had a hard time making new friends and is even being bullied a little. she might still need these stories.

...but she's getting older, and eventually, she's going to find out about what's been going on with the author of her favorite books. she's going to find out who this woman really is. her parents have kept her off social media this long, but I don't think they'll be able to do it much longer. kiddo turns 12 soon, she's in middle school...they (and I) can't shield her from the truth forever.

In many ways it's not really my place to have a conversation with her about transphobia and how to reckon with enjoying a piece of art without financially supporting the artist- that's her parent's job, maybe her school's. or it should be. I know I don't want to go over her parent's heads, I don't want to discuss this with her without their knowledge- not at this age, anyways. but I don't know if I trust her parents to have that conversation, or to really even know how- they're not exactly the number one LGBT allies in my family. I don't believe they're actively hateful, just...very cis and very straight and not particularly in the loop. and I definitely don't trust the public schools in a state that's very likely to try and pass a version of florida's "don't say gay" bill to do it.

if I was closer to her parents I think it would be easier to talk to them about this- but I'm really not, this girl's mother and I barely have a relationship (she's my actual first cousin, we barely speak.) I'm close to this child because I made an effort at larger family gatherings and I know how much she wanted a big sister/aunt figure- so I stepped in. and I love this kid, I really do, she's very sweet- but it's kind of awkward being close to her without having much more than a cordial relationship with her parents. so I have no idea how or when this should be addressed. just that it should, and I would like it to happen before her classmates or the internet makes her aware of the problem.

confounding all this is the reality that trans issues are about to become a whole conversation in my family as my brother's partner transitions. everyone met this partner when he was simply performing as a drag king and primarily used she/her pronouns in regular life. but now that he's coming out as a trans man, I'm expecting that to become an issue with some of the more conservative members of the family. I want to keep the kids from believing in any of that transphobia as best as I can- all the kids, not just this particular one- though she's the oldest and most likely to fully understand.

...I don't have a larger point here it just breaks my heart. the whole thing breaks my heart. I hate to be the one to have to explain to her that the author of a book series she loves would hate and oppose my brother's partner simply for being who he is. I hate it.

[justmybookthots]

Six of Crows

4/5 stars

After two years (ish) I have finally finished Six of Crows. Uh, that is not to say that I really sat there and read page after page for years. What I really mean is that I borrowed the library book, tried to read it, but got bored midway. My brain was really tired of its world-building, among other things. I also tried to read an e-copy of it but that was met with spectacular failure. So I stopped trying for ages. 

Anyway. Fast forward about a year or so and I have started reading fantasy books, heralded by my obsession with Cruel Prince (though Serpent and the Wings of Night is technically what started it). NOW, I tell myself, I'm ready for SoC. It's been sitting pretty on my TBR-fantasy shelf ever since I started reading fantasy again.

I don't know if the past months of reading fantasy books have kind of equipped my brain for its world-building or something, because this time, chapters are much, much easier to digest. I'm actually following what's going on. Maybe my attention span is also a bit better. 

Whatever it is, it gets me through the first chapter (which was… kind of a weak opening, but that's just me), and soon enough I'm storming through the subsequent ones. 

I have so many thoughts about this book. My enjoyment level was kind of tumultuous—I went from hesitant to really enjoying the banter to getting a bit bored at certain parts once they broke out of the prison, then felt my enjoyment (hmm… maybe engagement is a better word) picking up again when Nina encountered Brum. I was screaming, it's a trap! But she fell for it anyway. 

I'm generally not very good with stories that are setting-heavy—meaning a lot of the plot circles around navigating through places and secret bridges and tunnels and so on. And for a heist, it is so important to know what the setting is like and how they work around it. So I won't lie; parts of my brain switched off a little at certain stages. I will need to do a reread on those sections to better figure out what's happening, like how swimming through the water led Kaz, Matthedious—as I like to call him—and Nina out to the other side. I mean, I think I know, but I was very tired at that point so I still wanna reread to be sure.

I also was not a huge fan of the flashback dump in the middle of the story. Nina, after healing Inej? Flashback! Matthedious, brooding in the boat? Flashback! 

I think flashbacks could do better when it fits the plot—like Kaz fainting because of too much physical contact and then getting his flashback on what caused it was much more fitting on Leigh's part, imo. 

So my biggest two issues are the placement of flashbacks and the heaviness on setting, but I 100% know the latter is my problem, so the former is technically my only valid point. 

NOW—to what I enjoyed.

The characters are great. I think the standout is obviously Kaz, who is my favourite character and who reminds me a lot of Artemis Fowl, but minus the techno stuff and assuming he was thrown into the Grishaverse. He's just terrific and I've always been a fan of smart, manipulative characters that are shown, not told, and there were definitely a lot of both here. But the telling was supported by the showing, which I so, so appreciate because this is not as common as it should be. 

Inej is my second favourite, tied with Wylan. That bitch is a motherfucking QUEEN, and she is just *chef's kiss*. Strong but not invulnerable, and also her not staying for Kaz in Ketterdam because she didn't care for anything less than what she deserved is EVERYTHING to me. I'm not sure what to make of her piety, though, but it plays off on Kaz nicely. Wylan, I just am partial to because I have a thing for soft boys with puppy faces and curly hair. And also I think he has a lot of potential which I hope will be explored in the next book. 

Also, Kaz roasting him SENT ME:

I'm fine with Jesper. He's all right. I didn't see the Fabrikator twist coming though. I was like, WHAT?? 

Now. For the characters who weren't all right for me; they range from I'm-not-sure-how-to-feel to pure dislike. Nina is the former, and based on my nickname for the last Crow, I think you can guess who's the latter.

I just do not understand Nina. Even until now I don't really have a full grasp of her character. At the beginning, she seems to really dislike Kaz's lack of moral fibre, based off her exchange with him:

But then not too long later, this happens:

I am just so confused by her, and while I was gasping aloud when she took the drug at the end to save everyone (made me respect her a lot), I still don't know what kind of person Nina is. She feels all over the place. 

I don't even want to talk about Matthedious. He's a man laden with prejudices and toxic masculinity, which, to be fair, is shaped by his upbringing, but he's just very narrow-minded and stupid. Anything he can't understand, he dubs them as witch, or demon, and so on. He's just an angry oaf. I don't know what to say. There's really nothing much to say about him, though I do want to add that his character arc was extremely unconvincing for me. 

A plot point I really enjoyed in this book: Jesper using his Fabrikator skills on that diamond and Wylan building a drill with said diamond, then Inej breaking in to take that tank. Love that she got revenge on Heleen in that moment, and also JUST LOVE THE TRIO for using all their skills as a team. I did not see the tank infiltration coming at all, and it was awesomeeeee. 

Another plot point, however, made me go, UHHHH:

KAZ. 🤢

Overall, a solid book. I loved most of the banter, though there are a few times when it falls flat. I was about to rate the story 3 stars midway through, but the later half really picked up and saved it for me. Also what is with that ending? To be fair, I did think it'd be too good to be true if they got the money, but I didn't expect Queen Inej to be taken?????

I'll probably start on Crooked Kingdom soon,  but who's to say? I just hope I won't start it two years (ish) later. 

- 22 July 2023