#for the first time in 12 years i started loving myself and i'm not ashamed of it

[deadpool15]

YOUR BEAUTIFUL

Unlucky. That's all I felt when I woke up this morning. From the very beginning of my days to the very end. It's all I ever feel. I used to tell myself, "People will like you if you just be yourself. And if they don't then fuck them". That was my thought process, until I realized I am the fucking problem. No on wants to be around me or tries to get to know me, then I start to feel like 12 year old girl eating lunch in the bathroom because no one gave a shit about her.

I get up to make breakfast, only to see the eggs and pancakes sitting front there waiting for me with a note. "I'll be back in a couple of hours baby, make sure you eat. I will check before you try to lie. Love you." My girlfriend, Tatter. When I first got to Korea, I had no one and could barely speak the language until I met her. My Sun.

Flackback

"I'm literally never going to find this place. I could've sworn that nice-looking lady said, "Take a left. Now that I think about she didn't look that nice and now that's what I get for trusting old people." I start to rush around the street trying to find a bus stop, it's getting dark outside and I have no fucking clue where I am. Until I bump straight into someone, already fed up with everything I immediately go off on them.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, can't you look or see at all? I'm literally going through shit right now and everything is shit and omg fuck." I yelled out at the person without looking at them. Then I hear laughing, which pisses me off even more, and I look uo ready to fight at this point until I see her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock into, but I've kinda been watching you talk to yourself and have a meltdown for a minute. I thought you were crazy. " She says, trying to hide her laugh.

I'm not paying attention to anything she is saying. It's hard to focus, she's so fucking beautiful. Then I realize I'm staring, "Guess you are no help." She gives me her hand to help me up. That's right. I've been sitting on the ground staring at her for the past few minutes. So, not smooth, Kat. "I actually was going that way. You can come with me. Unless you would like to continue your conversation with yourself." I stare at her for a while again. "I'll come with you, but only because you know that way." She laughs loudly. "That's fine, I'm Tatter, by the way. I look around, confused. "That's a unique name, I'm Kat short for Kathleen." I said smiling maybe we might become friends.

Present time

Looking back is such a weird thing for me. How different I was is wild. You see, dating Tatter is amazing. It always has been until well I happened, I guess. It's like my brain has never allowed me to be happy. From being extremely insecure to unhappy, I don't know how she deals with me. The thing that bothers Tatter most is my body dysmorphia. Almost everyone I see are people she hangs with, that's skinny, beautiful, talented girls. And as much as I try to hate them, I hate that I can't ever find any flaws. Unlike me, whose flaws are so evident. I've never been skinny, I am I'm a thick girl. Some would say slim thick.

Until they see the belly, and the stretch marks all on my thighs and stomach. I try to work out, but it's hard. I mean, going to the gym is scary. All those people around me are judging my size and weight. Then Tatter is a dancer, a great one at that. She always tries to get me to show up to her classes or hang out with her friends, I know she will eventually feel like I'm blowing her off, but I'm ashamed. Ashamed of myself, my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and hangs out around other beautiful women. Yet her girlfriend looks like a fucking horror movie.

I've been sitting her losing track of time before I her the door open and Tatter stepping in with a bag in her hand. "Hey, bubble, I'm back. And you won't believe it while we were at the mall just window shopping. I saw the most beautiful dress. And I got it." She tells me while smiling. She is always smiling, ughh she is so fucking gorgeous it hurts. She pulls out the dress to show me. It's a long, backless dress, with a slit going down the right leg. "You seeing was literally made for you. It's pretty right? Well, it's gonna look even pretty with you in it tonight, at the crew dinner." Oo shit, crew dinner, I forgot that was tonight. It's too late to make my an excuse on the spot and bail. I just look at her nodding, "yea it's pretty."

She pushes me in the room and tells me to start getting ready. I sit there contemplating my life while staring at the dress. It's really pretty, but will it still look the same on me. I turn my hand and notice Tatter is walking around getting ready as well. She is wearing pants, a and sweater. Though it's really tight fit to her body and makes her curves pop. I paid attention to the dress again and finally decided to put it on. "OK, I mean this sint that bad. It could be worse." I tell myself until I hear my phone go off. So much for motivational pep talk. It's a notification from some random girl I don't remember following on Instagram. "Hey, her dress is similar to mine."

There it is, happening like always. I start to overthink and analyze every detail about myself. Making comparison after comparison. "We look like we're wearing two completely different things." I notice, what the fuck did I expect. She is skinny and pretty, and I'm me. I look out the bedroom door to see Tatter, happily walking apurnd the room finished with getting ready. "What am I doing? This is stupid." I walk outside the bathroom and tell her I'm ready she notices my expression and stops." What's wrong?" I just look at her. What could she possibly like about me. "Nothing, let's go." I tell her to end the conversation before it even starts. I'm not gonna fuck this up for her, I'll just hand with her crew and come home and cry about it later. It's not her fault I'm like this.

She grabs my arm as I walk out of the room. Turning me around to face her. "You look beautiful." No, no, please don't do this now. I was so close to keeping it together. "The dress was made for you, baby." I look at her with a pleading face. "Please stop, don't lie to me, I'm aware of how I look." She immediately frowns up when I start to cry. I was seriously trying to avoid this. "What are you talking about? I'm not lying. Why are you crying, baby? What happened?" I really can do this right now. " I happened, how can you stand here and tell me this fucking delusions. I look fucking disgusting, I always look nasty and hard to look at. So let's just get this over with and go see your friends, please." She grabs me and stands right behind me.

So closely, I can feel her breath on my neck. I look up, and we are facing a mirror. I try to move or pull away, but she has a firm grip on me. Keeping me in place, being forced to stare at myself. "Look, what do you see? I stare back at her. "Our reflections, what else would I see. She cuts me off before I can throw out another remark. "No, tell me what you really see. Do you want me to go first? I see the most beautiful women I've ever laid eyes on. The same woman I bumped into on that dead-end street that cursed me out for a solid 5 minutes. The same woman that lights up a room whenever she walks into it. The woman who works so hard not only takes care of others but makes sure to put everyone above herself. But most of all, I see the absolutely gorgeous curvy girl tempered girl I fell in love with the moment I walked her to the bus stop. I don't love you because of your looks baby. I smile while crying fully now, "That sounded like a backhanded ass complement Tatter", I say while slightly laughing.

"My love, will you shut up and let me finish or so help me, God? I continue laughing and gestures for her to continue. "Like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I don't love you because off your looks, they are simply a bonus to the full premium package you've come with. My view of you hasn't changed since that day. You're beautiful." She tells me while kissing my shoulder and rubbing my stomach. "I love you to Tatter, so so much. You wouldn't even begin to believe." She smirks before saying, "My speech was better, but I'll let you live. "Wow, and you are an asshole." I tell her before she grabs my waist holding me. "Now let's go to that dinner, baby. I'm pretty sure Bada is ready to call the fire department to check on us."

(P.S. this is a shoutout to all my insecure girlies, including myself. Remember, you are beautiful. We were made with diversity, and that's a beautiful thing. Big, small, and midsized are just different versions of gorgeous.)

[calamitycontrolled]

The Story So Far...

hey there,

I want to write down everything that's contributed to my journey so far in the interest of memory and sharing. So here's my story from the start until now!

I was assigned male at birth, and currently identify as non-binary. I am 22 years old and have been questioning my gender for a long time. Thoughts about gender have been becoming more frequent and painful in the past 2-3 years.

(TW: Sexuality) This post will describe my very personal feelings and detail some parts of my journey that may be uncomfortable to read. I will discuss sexuality, masturbation, and dysphoria.

My earliest memory regarding gender dysphoria or feeling like something wasn't quite right was when I was very young, maybe 5-6? I remember feeling excitement or euphoria when I put on one of my sister's princess dresses. I tried a few on and felt amazing. I didn't understand it at the time, but I guess that was euphoria. It felt almost like I was aroused. That's a can of worms for the TERF/ autogynephilia crowd, but understand that there's no way I was sexually aroused at the age of five from wearing feminine clothing. I would try on my mom's and sister's heels and take their clothing also. I forgot about that stuff for the most part, but still felt like something was off. For as long as I can remember, I've been disinterested in traditional masculine activities and gender norms. I have always hated playing/watching sports, fishing, and stuff like that. I thought I was just a stick in the mud or anti-social, but I never really wanted to do any of those things. When I was younger, I showed a bit of interest in basketball and baseball but that was extremely short lived. I spent most of my time playing video games, playing star wars, and skating. One could argue that these are masculine activities, though. I really hate anything to do with physical strength and competition. I've always been sorta delicate I guess.

Although I desired to crossdress since an early age, I suppressed those feelings to the point where I didn't act on them anymore, but I still felt them. When I turned 12-13 and reached middle school, things took a big turn. I feel like I've been depressed ever since I hit puberty and I can't explain why. Self-esteem and insecurity issues hit me like a truck. I don't feel like a man, but what else is there? I didn't know I had a choice. I desired to be friends with girls. More so I desired to be one of the girls- but I didn't really understand it at the time. I've always been attracted to women, but I don't know if I want them or want to be them. Probably both. I am pansexual, and have always felt strange around the other boys. I never felt like I fit in with the majority of the masculine crowd. I went to a Catholic elementary and middle school, and my two best friends in middle school both turned out to be gay. I wonder if people perceived me as gay sometimes because I recently found a note in my yearbook from a friend calling me his first love? I've always fantasized about being with girls and boys, but didn't figure that out until high school. At that time, I remember desiring to be more feminine, but being extremely scared. It wasn't a choice I could make. I felt so ashamed and out of place. My confusion only made me more depressed and angry at myself. Why would I even think that I was trans? I guess deep down I always sorta knew, but again I suppressed that part of me out of guilt, sadness, and shame. I felt like I would be disappointing my family and causing problems. I still feel like that honestly. Internalized transphobia is real. It's just rage towards my identity that manifests and destroys my confidence and self esteem. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be an ugly woman, which is often the only thing holding me back.

I've largely only dated lesbian or bisexual women. A few of them have turned out to be lesbians exclusively after we dated. Almost all of my partners have identified as part of the LGBT community. That's just one thing I find interesting.

I've been buying my own feminine clothes since I was 17, and recently have been buying a lot more. I love to wear skirts, crop tops, and high socks. Now I feel so dysphoric when I'm wearing men's clothing. I am in such a battle with my body right now. I am constantly fighting body hair, my penis, and my broad shoulders. I absolutely hate to see that I have male genitals in my pants, especially when other people can see it. I really only want to buy women's clothing now. My egg cracked on Christmas Eve 2021, when I was drunk texting my then-girlfriend and told her that I think I'm trans. I lurked on r/egg_irl for a while, and did a lot of research on being trans. I remember lying on the couch after everyone had gone to sleep crying. Again, I suppressed it. I keep trying to "go straight" and embrace masculinity, but I fail every time. I cannot for the life of me be the traditional man.

So, if you expect me to boymode because that's my AGAB then fuck you! I realized that I'm living MY LIFE, and other people need to mind their business or support me. Everything else doesn't matter. They're not me, and I'm not them. At the end of the day I have to live with myself, and I'm going to make sure I love who I am.

Let's talk about my friends and family. I am out to my friends and have made steps in dropping people who are homophobic, transphobic, or otherwise won't accept me for who I am. My friends are a tremendous source of love and support, and I am so grateful for them. My family, on the other hand, is a different story. I've only talked to my mom about gender dysphoria, and while she's supportive, she is definitely confused and almost taken aback by it. She says that I didn't show any signs in childhood, and that crossdressing is something all little kids do. I think she expected me to be gay. She told me she expected one of her kids to be gay because my Uncle is gay, but not one being transgender. She keeps asking me if I like boys. I want to tell my sister but she seems disinterested in the fact that we're even related. I just want the support of my family. I'm tired of being doubted, because I do enough of that to myself. My mom is willing to accept me as a woman, but she said it will take some time. She wants to mourn her son. I want to tell her that she has two daughters now, but it's too early for all that. I even have my new name picked out, but I'm scared to take that next step. It's Siobhan by the way (Shi-vawn). I wanted to choose another Irish name that starts with S.

Sexual Dysphoria: It feels odd to share this information but I think it's important to acknowledge. Ever since puberty, I've primarily tried to penetrate myself and feel pleasure that way. I don't know why I did it, it felt instinctual. But I've never really had romantic feelings for men (not until recently), so I can't be gay, right? I was, and still am, so confused. When I first had sex, I really didn't enjoy it. This feeling that something was wrong persisted, but I didn't know why. I love women, but why can't I enjoy the sex we have? I dread having to be the "man" or top. So I started thinking I was gay. When I had sex with men, I didn't really feel attracted to them, but enjoyed being the bottom much more. It felt better. But I can't see myself dating or being intimate with most men. So I would leave those encounters feeling like shit, confused, and degraded. Now I am in a great relationship with a beautiful woman and she understands how I'm feeling. Sex is an important part of a relationship, but I feel like I can't uphold my end. My libido has been destroyed from anti-depressants in addition to the distress that I feel when "on top." Sex is still pleasurable, but I can't reach an orgasm and sometimes have to almost dissociate to cope with the fact that I have a penis. When I wear feminine clothing, research transitioning, do my makeup, or shop for feminine things, I get the same arousal feeling that I described when I crossdressed for the first time. It's not sexual, but I feel excited. My research shows that this is normal and it will calm down once this part of me is no longer repressed. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a pervert that gets a thrill from dressing as a woman.

I desire to start HRT and begin my social transition, but there's a lack of doctors/endocrinologists in my area and I'm waiting to keep talking with my mom about it. She seems worried that I'm going to transition. I know that there's never going to be a more convenient or better time, so part of me wants to say fuck it and just do it. It's obvious to me that these feelings aren't going away, I'm not getting any younger, and every step I take I love. If you are reading this, I hope you can understand me a bit better now.

Lots of love,

Siobhan.

[pigeonwit]

9, 12 ,14, 25 for the end of year asks !!

9. best month for you this year?

june! i did the most writing i've ever done, saw newsies with my friend ceriann, met ryan kopel for the first time, started to genuinely engage with fandom after years, made a bunch of great friends, got a massive boost in my confidence - spectacular, really.

12. talk about a new friend you made this year

DAVEY!! my dear friend davey you are so skilled and so hardworking and so genuinely kind that it actually surprises me. i have been the most obnoxious nihilist for,,, years and it's quite rejuvenating for the soul i think to be surrounded by kind and genuine people, and you're a big part of that. i'm so grateful for your constant support and i'm so happy i got to support you in return by delivering your art to the newsies cast at musical con and get you that video of them, too :) and i still can't get over the manhattan wv drawing you did!! was not expecting it at all but oh my god it's wonderful. you're such a creative and hardworking person davey, it keeps on inspiring me. i hope good things keep happening to you - i'm so grateful for all your support and to have you as a friend :)

14. favorite book you read this year?

WRANGLESTONE!! yeah i read a lot of more Classic and Scholarly books for my classes but wranglestone was my 'treat myself' book - i got it when i went to see billie the kid because i wound up walking past 'gay's the word' by pure accident so i decided to make a big queer day of it and treated myself to a fun little gay zombie cowboy novel. and god i love it. i'm not a Classic and Scholarly writer and i've always been a little ashamed of that but this book reminded me i don't need to be :) there are people who want and need the kind of stories i want to tell, and i'm one of them. this book's so special to me for that. and yknow, it helps that it's a genuinely good adventure with a cute romance, a compelling mystery and excellent worldbuilding.

25. did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? describe one

i think the only characters i created this year were alice, maggie and florence for run boy run... i HAVE been noodling an oc for a children's book series concept i have though! haven't decided on a name or design but i know i want him to be a cowboy who rides a utahraptor and has a little hunting crew of smaller velociraptors he's rescued (i actually had this idea before reading wranglestone btw. cowboy media just calls to me)

[girl-with-goats]

fic author interview

damn, it's tumblr games day 😂 thanks for the tag @felixantares 🫶

How many works do you have on AO3?

75! I also have uh 21 on Wattpad but in my native language!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

762,790 - damn holy shit

3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

fruits of your labour

Blood in the wine

white butterflies

Red Supernova

White Supernova

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Though I usually have some delay when I have no idea what to say and I need time to process 😂 I appreciate every soul that commented anything I wrote 🫶

5. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Uh—

There's a few.

chamber of my bloody mind & a story I made up & Young Rivers (in your hands) probably leading the ranking 😂

6. What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

white butterflies I suppose!

7. Do you write a cross-overs?

Not really, no! I like to keep my fav fandoms separate.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

lmfao yes, it makes me laugh now

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Uh—

Hello.

You do know me, right?

I do write smut. Fucking lots of smut. Kinky and filthy smut is kind of my specialty and I'm not ashamed of it. I even have a horny jail playlist that I recommend to everyone trying to get into the smut writing mood 😂 (again not sorry)

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, whew!

11. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, a few! I also translated some of them myself lmao the perks of being a polyglot

12. Have you co-written a fic before?

Yeah, plenty! Though they aren't posted on AO3.

13. What's your all time favourite ship?

Why are you making me choose 🥲

grindeldore, I think. there's a lot of comfort in those characters and I love them with all my might

14. What's a WIP that you want to finish but think you never will?

welll there's a few I haven't finished and I don't plan coming back too but I started writing them like a decade ago (gosh) and I have different plot ideas and writing style

15. What are your writing strengths?

Plotting and worldbuilding! I also love purple prose and metaphors, man

My strengths is also converting a fic that was supposed to be short into a long fic 😂

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

Pacing, I think. I sometimes rush to the finish line too fast.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in fic?

As in inserting a dialogue in other language to a fic written for example in English? Well depends on the context, I guess. If the character isn't supposed to know the content of the conversation and doesn't understand the language, then absolutely yes, it makes total sense. Other than that, a whole dialogue isn't really justified. I get some minor phrases or words snuck here and there, but they also need to make sense—like a character speaking Spanglish or whatever.

18. What's the first fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter, then it was Star Wars.

19. What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

SKAM! I'm participating in SKAM big bang this year, so hopefully it will be done hehehe

20. What's your favourite fic that you've written?

It's like picking a favourite child!!!!

Okay, if I really have to choose— parti pris & a story I made up.

tagging @uncannycerulean @sandervansunshine @luxuriousmalfoy @thehollowone16 <3

[angelicgarnet]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you for tagging me @louwhose !!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

39!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

237,923.... I thought it'd be more

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now i'm mostly writing for the legend of zelda tbh.... i plan to write more wwdits someday though

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Bared Fangs (wwdits)

Getting It Right (wwdits)

an anonymous fic that i'd rather not associate with this blog

Love Spell (ofmd)

another anonymous fic that I don't want to associate with this blog lmao

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!!! I try to respond more often than not, comments make me so happy and I want people to know i'm grateful for them!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmm... tbh I don't write a whole lot of angst? the closest I got is bittersweet, and I think the ending of lost in the woods (legend of zelda) is somewhat bittersweet

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Getting It Right has such an adorably fluffy ending ngl

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope! i've gotten a slightly rude comment here and there but nothing intentionally hateful

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, and I always post it anonymously because I am ashamed lmao

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nope!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no but i'd love if someone did!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i've attempted it a few times but none of them have gotten finished unfortunately

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

that's always changing tbh. right now it's zelink but I would have said the same thing about nandermo a few months ago

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

there was a tuck everlasting hannibal au I started a few years ago but I never finished it and probably never will because I don't have much motivation to write for that fandom anymore

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'm good at writing funny dialogue I think!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

using the same phrases too often. sometimes I add a bunch of unnecessary details when describing things too which makes it kinda cluttered

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i think it can work as long as you're not relying too much on Google translate

19. First fandom you wrote for?

warrior cats LMAO I used to write dumb warriors crack fanfiction when I was like 12 and it was entirely "rawr XD" humor

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

it changes a lot honestly hmm.... i'm really fond of this autistic nandor fic I wrote (Heavy Quilt), it was very cathartic to write and I sometimes find myself re-reading it when i'm having a rough time

i'm also really fond of 08/01/13, which I wrote for a hannibal flashfic a while back. my writing has improved a LOT since then so it's not the best fic i've written, but I am still proud of the story itself :3

i'll tag @faelapis @bjdeogame @farore-or-less and @fifthnormani and anyone else who wants to do this!

[kleiner-ghost]

20 Q's for Fic Writers

Thank you @spacejammie-eimmajecaps for the tag!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

27! But I do have a few original works that I post on a different website.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

You can tell I mostly write one-shots haha

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Quite a few, but Deathloop and Fallout 4 are my top ones ^^

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

The stars in your eyes - Kleiner_Ghost - Fallout 4 [Archive of Our Own]

Follow the Black and Gold Rabbit - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Deus Ex (Video Games) [Archive of Our Own]

December in Dunwall - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Prey (Video Game 2017) [Archive of Our Own] - which I haven't touched in years, and honestly needs a rewrite ^^;

Mirror, Mirror, on the Ceiling - Kleiner_Ghost - Original Work [Archive of Our Own]

Your Value to Me - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Fallout 4 [Archive of Our Own] - which was my main before kinktober and then Nano hit ^^

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yep, as a rule of thumb. Sometimes I don't know what to say though ^^;

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh, oh, the working title for this one before I posted it was 'Frank Angst'!

Consistently Hangover and Automatically Assuming the Worst - Kleiner_Ghost - Deathloop (Video Game) [Archive of Our Own]

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Urgh. Happy endings are for happy people. The best I can give you in bittersweet?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope. But then again, I don't get much comments either because of how small my fandoms are.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yep! Recently I have been messing around with it as well, for kinktober, and now I'm a bit ashamed to look my beta in the eyes.

I will admit, I usually post my kinky smut on an alt for that excat reason. Too many people I know irl know my main AO3 handle ^^;

But yeah, I love writing smut! But sometimes I want to play around with themes or settings too, and it doesn't always belong in those stories.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Yep! My fave is this fic, which I consider to be one of my best works:

Two Pieces of Nine - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Deathloop (Video Game) [Archive of Our Own]

I am also working on a few side projects that are crossovers. Since they're both longfics, I'm waiting to have over half of them done before releasing them (I've learned my lesson about those XD).

One is a Bablyon 5 and Star Wars crossover, where droids invade the world of B5, and a clone battalion is sent through to stop them.

The other is about the bad batch waking up on Blackreef.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not stolen, but I have had elements of a story plagiarized. I never called the other author on it, because it was one of their first fics, and because of the fandom and tags we had in common I don't think it was malicious.

12. There was no question 12 so I'll make one up myself: How many WIPs do you have?

18, not counting all the unfished kinktober one-shots. Some of those are original stories that won't go on AO3 though.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, but I would love to!

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

How bad would it wound if i name something from a fandom I never wrote for? Winterfrost is my favourite ship. I would die for some Bucky x Loki.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

December in Dunwall - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Prey (Video Game 2017) [Archive of Our Own]

I just keep forgetting it exists tbh ^^; I've changed and grew a lot as a writer since I started it, and as I've said it would need a full rewrite. Maybe one day I will get to it (It is my second most popular fic as well), because the two fandoms it's from deserve that, but I have like 3 longfics to get through before that.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characters. Funnily enough it's also one of my greatest weaknesses because if I can't write a character, I never will, but for those that I do write well, well, they're great.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Dyslexia and writing on mobile. Sometimes my autocorrect does things, and I don't notice them, and then my beta goes "???" on stuff that any 4 year old would have caught XD

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I did it once, I'll do it again! But readers did drop it after those chapters (and that fic is no longer on AO3). I think it adds a lot of realism to a scene.

On that note, one of my favourite Outer Worlds fics had Welsh text in it. The author went to great lengths to make it readable to peeps who didn't speak it, with hyperlinks and stuff. But I was reading on mobile, so it never worked for me XD I had google translate open in the background, and was missing half the dialogue, but i was sooo into it that I didn't care.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Soul Eater. But that fic will never see the light of day. I'm even more embarrassed by it than I am from showing my experimental kinky smut to my irl friends. (Yes it involved a shinigami self-insert smooching Death the Kid). I was 14...

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Tough pick. I'd say overall this one :

Two Pieces of Nine - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Deathloop (Video Game) [Archive of Our Own]

But I love how weird this one got (it was inspired by irl sleep deprived shenanigans) :

The orange thing in the tree - Kleiner_Ghost - Control (Video Game) [Archive of Our Own]

And this one is the one I'm most emmotionally invested in :

Your Value to Me - Chapter 1 - Kleiner_Ghost - Fallout 4 [Archive of Our Own]

Thank you once again for the ask, I'm passing the questions down the line to @rowanisawriter, @the-lastcall-main, and Rieha (whose Tmblr I can't find ^^;), oh, and anyone who wants to join ^^

[recolourrhys]

1 and 14 for the ask game please!

1. Show your most recent wip

Well. That would be a redraw I'm doing of a piece from the summer bc Rory's design has changed a lot LMAO I haven't started anything "new" yet!!

OC art gets posted to @digirhys bc I keep this acct just for fanworks!✌🏻 so that's where the final for this will go (a cropped version at least. The full will go on cohost)

14. How has your art changed over the years?

Oh boy. In almost every way possible, I think!! Save that I am still keenly focused on character art, from my love of storytelling :0

From a technical aspect my art has of course changed and improved tremendously from when I started drawing when I was still single digits lol the inevitable outcome of never really Stopping Drawing :V

I don't have records of old traditional art as much, so the oldest art I have that isn't toddler art was from when I was around 11-12 – those aren't these lol but I started using dA when I was a young teen, so I have those as archives of what I was doing digitally (the left group of drawings are from that first dA acct, as far back as when I was 14 :Y

I think on the more con/critical side of things, my creativity has been severely stunted. In part I think that's a natural progression of thinking as I've aged, but one I know can be combated! It just takes an active effort and approach to work creativity and whimsy like a muscle, and that's something I know I haven't done a great job of :'3

It's bittersweet looking at old art where I can see how much fun I was having and how there were no inhibitions, no worrying about things being OP or cringe or "Mary sue". It's heartwarming being able to see that passion in my own art, and simultaneously i feel a bit guilty n ashamed that I've let a lot of it get worn out of me by Life, in part by things out of my control;;;;;

It is DIFFICULT to throw those cares aside again! Almost all of the storytelling I used to do was in collaboration with friends I fell out with, and it was a bit of a slap in the face to realize last year/during 2023 that I never really told stories or built characters on my own, and it's been hard for me to find that joy and passion. I loved what I was doing with friends and miss that feeling of community, but I think it's important and I want to learn how to create and tell stories primarily for myself now, too. What's been most difficult initially is fighting against a feeling of embarrassment just while simply brainstorming – it was a lot easier to throw caution to the wind and just revel in the Fun of Creating Whatever when surrounded by ppl making things with me with the same abandon!! TTwTT when we're all having a good time who cares if anyone else thinks it's silly, yanno?

I haven't quite figured it out, but that's one of my goals this year. I love doing fan stuff too when the inspiration strikes but I definitely want to put more energy into working on My Art, and figuring out what stories I want to tell and the characters involved. I think it'll be a big step, making the effort to make that shift, in helping to further heal my relationship w art in general and continuing to relearn how to love it and the messy, sometimes frustrating processes :'3

[poisonnxkki]

Witchcraft & Beginning The Journey✨

How I Started:

I spoke about this briefly but I'll go into more detail here. Witchcraft was not something that I just found and dove straight into. I took many years for me to develop my beliefs and at some point I just ended up on this path. I believe that even if I had to redo this life 100 times, I would always find my way back to witchcraft. As a child, I was raised Christian but I never really believed in it or felt like I belonged in that community. Around 12-13 I found alternative forms of spirituality (this was also when I was given unsupervised internet access... coincidentally). At the time, people were posting random beliefs on the internet and I tried to absorb everything (but wasn't really sure what I agreed with). As I got older, my interests began to change as well. I went from reading random "spiritual" quotes to learn about the history of religion and about different ancient cultures. Eventually I stumbled onto witchcraft and at first I thought it was a joke. Of course I loved the idea of witches and potions but I couldn’t really wrap my head around the concept. The idea kept popping up though as I scrolled through my corner of the internet and eventually it was all I was looking into.

Witchcraft became the space that I had needed all those years ago and allowed me to exercise my creative freedom. I could follow my interests, pick up concepts that resonated with me and really tailor my spirituality in a way that other religions wouldn’t allow. Everything felt unique, personal and reflective of what I wanted for myself. There are those who believe health consists of three things, body, mind & spirit. Without witchcraft my mind and spirit were lacking. It has helped me find hope, provided my spirit with a place it can flourish and now provides me with a community I can share my experiences with (& I'm really grateful for that).

Titles & Self-Confidence:

People who call themselves beginners often do so because they are either just starting (in which case the title works) or lack confidence in their skills. Regardless of what you call yourself, there is a lot of fear mongering targeted towards "beginners" in this community. Additionally, the imposter syndrome we face in regards to our own abilities or skills can be just as detrimental to our confidence as the fear mongering. I have named this experience "the beginner’s block" because it feels like something that everyone goes through when they are first starting out in witchcraft.

Most people who enter this community don't want to look foolish and so before experimenting with witchcraft, they try to do as much research as possible. There are even those in the community who recommend researching for x amount of months before beginning. I can't say that I'm a fan of that idea because, like anything else, experimenting is how we learn and grow. It is also how we build confidence in our skills to begin with and no amount of research can teach that.

The reason the title of beginner felt like it was weighing me down is because I used it to cover up my fear of being wrong. If I was wrong about something, if I didn't fully research something, if someone knew more than me on a specific subject, I could just say I was a beginner and not feel ashamed. Since abandoning that title I've realized that there is no need to be right all the time. No need to know everything about every subject and no need to question my skills. Being confident, regardless of how long you've been practicing, and being able to learn from your mistakes are probably the most important lessons I learned from the beginner’s block.

Topics for Your Book of Shadows/Grimoire:

🖤I'm purposefully not going to mention definitions or topics that are used for reference (like herb correspondences) because they are things that you can always look up on demand. I'm focusing on topics that might take a bit more time to really research and maybe point you towards your path. Pick and choose which topics interest you, don't feel like these are mandatory or necessary.

The history of witchcraft

Types of magic/witchcraft (Draconic, Green, Kitchen, etc.)

The history and mythology of your country/background (beware of closed practices)

The 4 basics (cleansing, protection, banishments & warding)

References for divination (personal gnosis, guidebooks, etc)

Ethics in witchcraft (depends on if you follow a structured belief system like wicca or not)

Plants/animals in your local area

The differences between spirits, deities, dragons & daemons (if you plan on doing any deity/spirit work)

Physical witchcraft (with ingredients) vs non-physical witchcraft (& which method you prefer)

Recipes/spells that you want to try

Shadow work prompts (if you plan on doing shadow work)

Social media witches that inspire you (Youtube, Tumblr, TikTok, etc.)

*All images are from Pinterest*

[orthodera]

I love my family and I believe they raised me very well to be open-minded, and I always knew that I was loved no matter what sort of person I was, and that I always had somewhere/someone safe to fall back on, but they sure did give me a superiority complex! And I fell from grace HARD when I was eventually forced to realise I wasn't the smartest kid in the world and I couldn't accomplish anything I wanted.

And, I don't know. I wish I'd heard less of the 'you're so smart, smarter than all the other kids!' and instead more of 'I think you're smart, but it's okay if you struggle to accomplish as much as the other kids. your intelligence does not determine your worth'

Cause like yeah, as a kid, I WAS smarter than all the other kids. Then when I got to high school my mental illness started affecting my studies, I started struggling to complete tasks, I stopped winning awards, I had to ask for homework help for the first time in years, and one day I was suddenly slammed with the realisation that holy crap, I'm not as smart as I think I am. And it kind of fucked me up, because that was something I'd prided myself on for years, it was something I'd been told my whole life, at times I felt like it was the only thing I had going for me. And when I tried to express this, all anyone ever told me was 'don't be silly, of course you're smart!'

But I really didn't feel smart anymore.

I distinctly remember my anxiety when some work I had submitted came back with revisions. I couldn't read them. I didn't want to know what I had got wrong, what I could improve. One year I worked my ass off on my practice exams, and I was completely stunned to get the results back and realise I had failed every single one. So I worked even harder on the real exams. And I remember my teacher sitting me down and asking how it was possible that I could get the highest score on an exam, but not get enough credits to pass the school year.

And I didn't know how to explain to her that I'd been effortlessly getting the highest scores my entire life, but now I struggled to get them, and I was ashamed to get anything other than the highest score. So if I wanted to complete work, it would take me much, much longer than it would take most students.

And the most important story, I think, was before I hit high school, before I realised my intelligence was faltering. Year 7 did not treat me well. I don't think it treated many people well. 12 years old is probably the worst age a child can be, and we were all 12 years old, and all surrounded by 12 year olds. I didn't have many friends, and those I did have, with one exception, I didn't like, and they didn't like me. I excelled that year, academically. I won dux at my school. Next year rolled around, the older kids left, the new kids joined, and I ditched everyone I had been friends with and found new friends in the new kids. I was happier that year. My teacher was less happy. I focused less on work and more on friendship, and this frustrated her because she felt I was wasting my potential. My parents were told this a lot in parent/teacher interviews. I would consistently get one of two types of reviews: I was smart but quiet, or I was too loud and was wasting my potential. Essentially, I was either depressed and had little other than schoolwork to focus my attention on, or I was happy and was putting my effort into other projects I was passionate about.

I didn't win dux in year 8. My teacher didn't give it to me, even though academically I scored higher than the person who did win it. I strongly suspect she just felt I didn't deserve it.

But anyway. Blah blah, gifted child syndrome, poor me. I dropped out of school at 16. It just wasn't for me, I couldn't handle it, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't regret it. My first year without school was a year in which I rediscovered myself, and how to find my happiness again- not just in the small comforts I found in reclaimed moments of time that should have been mine in the first place, but all the time. I was sleeping again, eating again, feeling again. I found my happiness in accepting that I wasn't intelligent in the way my teachers thought I was. I just wish someone had told me that sooner, and explained that it was alright.

I think this post is all over the place and probably doesn't make much sense but I just needed to get this off my mind.

[hobaworld7]

Hey Jonghyun Oppa... (TW)

Oppa, I didn't even write the first sentence and I am already crying. You really did impact my life, for the better of course. It's the first time I wrote a letter for you. Sorry it took so much time to heal my little grieving heart.

I grow up in an unloving household. I was alone. I was lost and hurt because I never receive support. But then I saw you and all the members in that music video. You know you changed my life, Oppa? Can I even call you Oppa? I mean, after more than 11 years, almost 12 already. I feel like we both know each other pretty well.

You were my comfort when I needed it. When I needed someone to reassure me or tell me that I am worth it. When I was 14 years old, drowning under the depression, I wasn't alone, because you were there Oppa. SHINee saved me. SHINee always helped me go through every hards steps of my life. Because every time I felt sad, I would hugged that one album I had from you (Everybody) and watch funny video to cheer me up. When I was deep down in the loneliness, I would listen to your songs, and be so happy, so reassured.

But I am sorry Oppa. I left you. I left you when the intimidation became too much at school. I'm sorry Oppa. I felt ashamed at the time. I regret a lot, you know. I wish I could tell little Audrey, that everything will be alright, and she should embraces everything that makes her feel alive. And at the time it was SHINee.

And one morning, I woke up and all I could see on my cellphone was the news of your suicide attempt. We didn't know yet if you were committed. And for the first time in years I felt like my world was crashing. And I stayed in bed, crying, all day. The day after that too.

I tried to grieve. I tried to cope. I tried to get over it, like my family was telling me to do. It is just a singer. But Oppa, you are so much more than just a singer. And I did what i thought would be the best, avoid. I avoid the pain. After a week or two of crying an insane amount of tears, I started avoiding the pain. And then college started and adult life too. I wasn't able to listen to your songs every day, but they stayed my comfort option, all the time. Watching your show, SHINee solo comeback, becoming such amazing singers and adults. It made me proud. I know you must be so proud of them too, Oppa.

But I kept avoiding the pain. Until recently. My niece came to me, talking about that k-pop group she loved. And I was so proud of her. Because at her age I was already deeply in love with SHINee. I was and still am proud to share that passion with her. So we started listening and watching diverse show of BTS. And then, I told myself I should took time to see what my favorite group was into these days. Key has been going solo. Taeminie is in the military. Onew is working on a new album. Minho is all over my instagram feed. I felt proud of them Oppa. And I know you are too, because they are so strong and amazing right? Then I start listening to some videos on youtube, to get back into the SHINee world. But Oppa, tell me why they are all sad videos? I remember you as someone funny with the most beautiful voice and smile. All I could find was sad videos. And it hurts so much Oppa.

And here I am now Oppa. For the past month, I have been trying to grieve. It's hard grieving someone that impact your life that much. It is sad realizing that I will never have the chance to meet you. But I slowly start watching SHINee ot4 music videos. But, sorry Oppa, it hurts so much. But once at the time right? Gradually, I'll be okay. I swear I'll be strong enough for it.

I cried a lot lately, my grandma is really sick, my sister told me she wanted to die (she's getting help, don't worry, oppa.), i had problems at work and some old court complaint against a case of death threats and harassement that I suffered three years ago.

Every night I have so much anxiety Oppa. But your voice calms me. Always. But then I woke up, fall on some sad edit from you and cry again. It's so hard.

But I needed to write, it's my therapy. Maybe like you did when you were writing lyrics. I needed to write a letter to the one that saved my life. Because I know that without you I wouldn't be the girl I am right now. I am so thankful for you. You did well Oppa. You worked hard Oppa. You saved so many lives. You impacted so many lives, too.

I will heal Oppa. I swear I'll be okay. I just need your strength, your courage and I will be okay. I'll be okay for you Oppa. Because you saved me. Now I just want to make you proud Oppa. I hope I will.

I'll do well. I'll work hard. For you Jonghyun Oppa.

Saranghae Oppa.

Your smile is the greatest therapy.

I’ll go sleep now Jonghyun Oppa. I hope you’ll sleep well tonight too. The sunset was amazing and now the moon is shining through the night. Like you always had.

I’ll love you forever.🌹

You beloved fan, Audrey.💙

[andwlita]

Dec 18, 2023

A lot has happened and I am grateful for everything.

I am typing this with my new keyboard and it's a testament to how much improvement I have done for the past year. I can buy whatever I want years from now that I didn't imagine I can.

I graduated from my master's and it's truly fulfilling. I won second place on a hackathon which is beyond my imagination that it would happen.

A lot of opportunities are in place and I don't have the right drive to pursue as it takes a lot of mental toll to go in and it doesn't interest me that well. One is the launchpad that I will be dedicating 12 weeks part time for wherein I have already gone through it and don't wanna redo it again. I want something established already under the healthcare industry yet it's so hard to talk to medical professionals facing a designer who isn't really that tenured in the field. Another one is the opportunity to be a senior manager for a casino which I also don't have passion for but have the experience to be. I don't know if I go through my route or the easy was to piggybacking someone's idea. Well, signs point to going on my own, so maybe that's what I will do next year and be in touch with people who are driven and believe in me.

Apart from that, I met someone wonderful whom I haven't introduced to my family yet but might be the first time I will. He's chief and damn wherever we go we just talk well. I don't feel unsafe taking my clothes off and he is really serious about me and sees a future with me. Problem is obvious, and I voiced it out to him most of the time and he's very empathic about it. I get to always compromise, pay and make an effort for him but he said he'll take care of me. I even had injectables to make the most of our moments. Although, I also did it for me. We had great conversations and it wasn't uncomfortable to go to him to places and he's game about it most of the time. He do think about that it could be better for the both of us in some way but he's at the lowest point of his life now. I can tell him everything, my feelings, frustrations and ideas. We share the same principles of praising vulnerability and not be ashamed of it. He reads books, enjoys the same interest and entertainment. I wish it will be better and will not end and hope that my family will accept him. Although, I don't know why they wouldn't be accepting him. If it's a shallow reason then I'm on my own path. Not just for him but also for my own good. I can say I like him a lot but love is part of it and if this continues then I could finally say I wholeheartedly love him.

I'm happy that I am at the point in my life where I can sustain myself comfortably and do what I want at my own capacity and have gained friends this year. I hope it will continue more and wouldn't make me come to a point of the lowest in my life as I have already started that way. Right now, I am enjoying my three week shut down of reading, smoking nicotine and watching entertainment I left behind.

[maxanddogspike]

My life story . Part 1/ ?

So.. This will be my blog, the blog of Max.

Before talking and venting, I should start with telling something about myself.

I'm Max, a male from Europe (somewhere west), old (29) ..

All my life I've been depressed, chronically if I may say so myself. But nothing has really helped me conquer it. I've been to therapists, did anything, currently on meds and still losing the fight that has been there for over 23 years. As far as I can remember, my youth wasn't as great as it seemed for anyone else.. We had it all, litterally all we could ever want. I grew up in a big house, with my family, doing anything we could and enjoy everything that we were blessed with. Being at the verge of everything new .. As I remember being one of the firsts with internet etc. We would do fun stuff together, enjoy the gifts we were given. All was loveydovey .. My dad was mostly gone for work, while mom got to stay home and we even had a nanny to help her with us.

One of the days I remember, we were eating diner and my dad phoned, telling his father passed away.. Suddenly the food felt cold and we really didn't enjoy our time no more. A while later, I noticed changes throughout the house, everything was different. I remember hearing crying come from upstairs.. My room, to find my mom on the floor trying to clean my toys while crying her eyes out.

Suddenly dad was gone, we didn't see him for weeks.. He left us.

At that point our lifes changed dramatically, we didn't do anything fun anymore and we didn't even see dad for weeks on end. The only contact we got was once a week a short phone call..

I remember sitting at the computer, my mom guiding me as I was just 6 years old, sending an email to my dad as we were visiting him soon and if he'd have a gift ( I know it sounds odd now.. But at that time I loved toys)..

The days passed and I remember getting in my moms car, to be driven somewhere new and strange. It ended up being a vacation home rented by my dad.. He was waiting for us, only to get in a verbal fight with my mom and we quickly had to leave the car and go with him.

That day was rather odd, as we did do fun stuff.. But it all felt weird, not knowing the truth (which I'll probably explain in a later post). We quickly had to go back to our mom the day after. I remember growing up as a Christian.. At some age I did the "Sacrament of Confirmation" .. In a church, it should've been a celebration.. But when I went in, I noticed my family split up.

Not knowing the trouble it would cause, I sat down at my dad as I hadn't seen him in so long.. It caused rather much anger and pain on my moms side. During the "Sacrament of Confirmation" I had to sit with all the kids in front of the church, at some point the father of my mom jumped up to start shouting and yelling at my dad as he brought his new girlfriend .. Making me litterally sink through the floor as I dropped down and tried to hide in shame.

My parents settled in a lot of courtcases and in the end I could visit my dad for a day every other weekend, being allowed to phone him once a week on a set time ( if the phonelines weren't disconnected .. ) .

At around 12 I started stating I'd rather live with my dad, as my mom got a new boyfriend. They both started to physically and mentally torture me, I was promised a lot (not a lot of items but more promises like "you can sit with me on the way back on a day out") and never actually got it as my mom preferred spending time with her new flame.

They met as we moved in next to him, so he was our neighbour. I remember a night I got a bloody nose and I couldn't find my mom, only to be found hours later somewhere in the streets looking for her by my dad. He was rang up by my sibling and drove an hour to come help.. Turned out my mom was sleeping with the neighbour and left us alone for the night.

Weeks,months,years passed. My parents fighting eachother, my mom not being ashamed to keep us involved as her minions. As at one point we'd have to give messages to my dad from her. She even tried to run him over with her car.. Whilest I sat next to her in the passenger seat.

At around 12 I had enough, I was hit and tortured enough and requested to live with my father. Only to be shouted at and talked into that she'd stop loving me if I did and "What would your friends think.. You'll lose them".. around this time I started to Self harm myself intentionally ( I was told I did it before, but can't really remember).. When my mom saw all she said was "Don't do that.. ".

At 16, I recently broke up with my first girlfriend, I took the dive and left to live with my dad. Tortured and broken, depressed and lonely I moved about 100 miles away from her.

My first contact with her was her calling me, asking why my phonebill was high. As it was still registered to her.

And why she had to pay 5$ a week for healthcare for me, as my weekly therapy sessions had a "voluntary pay" of 5$ a session.

For now, I'm leaving it here.

Maybe someone reads it.. Maybe not.

Those with issues or questions may always reach out,

Thank you for your time <3

Never forget. "You matter to someone, even if you think you don't"

[padfootly]

been a while.

3036 days to be exact.  i didn’t think this was a website i’d ever come back to.  it served it’s purpose when i needed it.  i felt really exposed after i found out that my now husband’s mom knew of this page and didn’t quite want to continue to post about my love life while i knew she had access to it.  while i’m not ashamed, it was just an...invasion of privacy that i didn’t truly anticipate.  it’s one thing to put your thoughts out into the void for your friends & peers to read; it’s quite another when someone is reading about your vulnerabilities and intimacies when they know you.

but lately i’ve been feeling a need to get the thoughts out of my head and into existence.  i can feel the words banging against a proverbial wall, trying to get out. i've never been a writer, so i hope whatever ends up coming out here makes any bit of sense. that's the least that i can hope for at this point.

i mentioned this on my twitter the other night, but lately i've been feeling isolated and lonely. i was on an anti-depressant for about 7 months, and went from a point where i struggled with a desire to get out of bed to being able to function. i've only ever been on anti-depressants twice in my life - once when i was 18 (approx. 6 months), and now, 12 years later at the age of 30. i've always been able to operate, but never quite felt like i'm drowning. between my issues with focus (hello and thank you, adult-diagnosed ADHD) with work, i felt like i didn't have a choice to continue taking them. it's weird to be in a position where i truly feel like i can make a difference with my colleagues, advocate for those changes, be loud & understanding with educating my peers, but truly hate the position i'm in. well. maybe after typing that out it isn't weird -- i feel like i'm not fit to a schedule where i have to take my break at a certain time, or have a certain amount of time between calls before i need to go back in. i like helping people understand, and as i've cultivated my skills over the last 5 years, i feel like i do a pretty damn good job at it nowadays. but that isn't what i'm rated on. i'm rated on my ability to be a robot, abide by menial numbers that, at the end of the day, don't make a difference on a large scale. if my position was something where i was reviewed and rated on the information & education that came out of my mouth, i feel like i'd be exceeding with flying colors.

but that isn't my reality. so i had to make a hard decision: come off of a medication that would help me feel happier overall and look to go on a medication to help me focus, or continue to struggle with my ability to focus but feel better.

i made the decision to medicate my attention span. and it worked wonderfully the first month that i was on it - i felt myself being in a better mood at work because i could just feel my thoughts slowing down to a point where i could decipher them without the crushing feeling of being overwhelmed - but maybe i'm starting to build a tolerance (admittedly, i did start on a smaller dose, and i do have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow so i will be bringing that up). i've been noticing at points where i'm getting burdened with the pace of my thoughts and verbally expressing my frustration with not being able to slow them down. i'm starting to zone out again - not as long nor as bad as before - but i've caught myself a few times already at this point.

so where does this connect back to my isolation? well, i guess because i'm no longer on medication to help me work through that. i've always been an introvert. i've always been hard to make "friends" with, but i felt like once i was able to open up & make connections with people, it wasn't about the quantity of friends i had but the quality of friends i had. to a point, i still do believe that.

but what do you do when you feel that quantity is dwindling down to nobody? when it feels like there's nobody left in your corner? what exactly are you supposed to do at that point?

i wrote this the other night as well, but i've always thought of myself as the "afterthought" type of friend. i'm not the first person you will think of to hang out with. i'm not the first person you'll call when you're having an issue with something or someone and need let the words out. i'm not the first person, nor even the second person that you'd strike a conversation up with to ask me how my day is.

i'm the person who you'll remember when you're going to bed at night, winding down your thoughts, and have that small hum of curiosity as to what's going on with me, but won't think much about it again. you'll start your next day without me being a blip on your radar and continue on with your life.

and i honestly thought that i was okay with that. it's how i've operated & survived for so many years because i'm so afraid of letting people in. but i don't think i am anymore.

this overwhelming sense of loneliness is eating away at my core but i don't know how to starve it and make it die. i don't know how to make myself feel more important to others so i'll no longer be an afterthought. it almost feels like it's too late to ask people to want to interact with me and want to be my friend or to give a damn about me.

so where do i go from here?

i don't know regularly i'll come back to this page. i guess as i need it, until something has changed. or until i die. whichever comes first most likely.

[mentally-bevanieu23]

"Connecting w/my 7 years of friendship,hello as my enemy"

October 11th, what a blast, I just got done of doing homework and been studying. Three highlights of my day, 1) Done doing homework, 2) I finally got my period starting♥️ 3) chatting second time w/my girl ex-bff. She have been my best friend ever since high school til our 2nd yr in college. 7 yrs of being friends just ended up because there were too much on our plate that we kinda out balanced our friendship. I was still kinda, not an expert of rules of friendship, I'm a person who has a complicated life that made me isolated for so long that I don't know how to socialize that much on my friends, classmates, and others. Anyway, I'm kinda happy, to chat with her, even if last time she made it clear that she don't wanna have connection on me anymore, I don't know if she's trying to protect me from hurting or, she's protecting herself? Or am I that to burden for her. I didn't ask verbally for I kinda know why she agreed that I wanna end it, how can you be friends with someone whom you felt that, you're not their motivation? Their relief in every stress? Someone, who have seen your flaws, suddenly she changed the way how she treated me, she's different that I don't even know her anymore. But that was before, because of how I was disappointed of her not fighting for our friendship, it's always me.. Or dozens of fight I can never shake the feeling of still caring for her, love her as my sister, became damn dude, it's not that easy to just erase our existence together for 7 years.. She's the best friend that I committed friendship for that long even still communicate rather than my besties that I have befriended for 12 yrs, probably can't remember me for they got dozens of friends or group that they got in touch to, always. She may think that I still didn't change, and still longing for her, she's wrong.. I let her go as soon as I've known, that she let go of me after I said friendship over, it's not toxic you know, that you still communicate to your ex bff, we're not even getting awkward at all. It was amazing, really.. after 2 years of silent treatment we now starting to communicate, and that was great really, it made me move on from the pain that I suffered for the last 2 years, even nightmares they didn't come back anymore, I was so glad. As we chat, we chatted like nothing's happened to us, but we both know our place, so yeah, there's still limitation of communicating with each other lately, I have this really big heart, that I'm a type of person who embraces humanity even enemies of mine, because I believe, that all people have their soft spot and both of us cannot stay that long as enemies or haters of each other, after all, love is the most powerful thing ever. So we, shared each other's major events in life, we joke around for a while, and then I was the first one saying I have to sleep now cause it's almost 12 am, still have classes tomorrow hehe, so yeah, that's all guys! One thing about me? Is that who am I to her, won't change unless it's a good thing, and it's a part of me, I would never be ashamed of myself or feeling sorry of having such a big heart to anyone else, you can y'all say it's toxic or I might get taken advantage of it and get a negative feedback for being too kind. Well, I have limits you know, and I only show that part of me to a person whom I've grown up with, and comfortable to be with♥️ this GIF symbolizes me and my ex bff, for we want to reach out for each other, but secretly and has boundaries good night!

[unholybinchicken]

coming to terms with my asd diagnosis

(aka, an open love letter to Quinni from heartbreak high)

I started school in 1999 at four and a half, thanks to my parents, who moved to Sydney from Queensland in 1993 (Queensland until recently had one less year of school than New South Wales so students typically graduated at 17; my cousin finished high school a year before my older brother despite only being a month and a half older than him) and didn't know most parents tried to make sure their kids weren't the youngest in their respective year levels. I tell others that this was why I didn't go to Schoolies after finishing year 12 ("if I can't drink there then what's the point in going"), although my social anxiety, mostly due to the autism I was so in denial about, was probably a bigger reason.

My mum occasionally tells a story of trying to organise a parent teacher interview with my kindergarten teacher (who I still hate, 23 years later, sorry not sorry) and my teacher saying "I'm going to let all the other parents get their preferred times first because 15 minutes isn't going to be long enough". I vaguely remember being taken out of school for various tests but I knew what most of them were for - speech therapy, occupational therapy, counselling for anxiety (that one happened a few years later) ... and then there were my mysterious appointments with Dr Wallace (a psychologist with over 30 years experience who is predominantly known for working with kids with ADHD). I wasn't quite sure what those ones were for.

At the start of kindergarten, I was diagnosed with "mild Aspergers" (a term that is horribly outdated and that I no longer use); however, I actually found out about my diagnosis at 13 (we were moving house at the time and I found the report from the psychiatrist in our family photos basket). Unfortunately by the time I discovered my autism diagnosis and had researched what it meant, I had already been and would continue to be exposed to a lot of media (including a short story written by a girl in my year ten English class that won the Whitlam Institute Writing Competition ... and one of my special interests was Gough Whitlam, so that one really stung) that made me feel ashamed and in denial about my *very obvious to everyone around me except me* autism.

(My own submission for the competition had been called "brilliant but too political" to represent my Catholic school ... seriously, imagine being considered too political for a competition in honour of a former Australian prime minister)

I often told people I'd been tested for autism but it was a very quick "oh I was tested for it but it's all good, I don't actually have it". The closest I actually came to telling a classmate that I was autistic was when I was trying to drop a year 11 subject I'd left too late to switch out of. A friend of mine who was very open about her ADHD had been allowed to change from chemistry into extension English. I said to another friend "I mean, I've got *borderline Aspergers* so Duggan might take that into consideration". My friend said "oh, I wouldn't have guessed, but that could work". It didn't. The fact that I'd never drawn attention to it up until then might have had something to do with it.

At school, I threw myself into my studies to overcompensate, was elected Music Captain, represented my school in sport (soccer and basketball were my favourites, but I was told I was a very skilled coxswain and could have taken rowing further if I'd committed to it), won public speaking and debating competitions, and killed my HSC exams (despite not wanting to have any "special treatment" and having absolutely zero study skills, thanks to a primary school career being considered "gifted and talented").

Additionally, I constantly advertised that I was completely adept at engaging in "normal" teenage behaviour of underaged drinking and partying. This was despite me having what I now recognise to be a meltdown on the night of my school's music festival in year 11, where all my duties as music captain had finally ended. I remember all my friends, including my vice-captain (who the following year would become our school captain) being very kind about it and saying, "We want you to celebrate with us but if you need to ring your dad and go home, that's also fine". I ended up going to other parties; in year 12, most of my friends turned 18, and it helped that they generally didn't hold parties right after huge events I'd had a hand in planning.

I graduated from school in 2011, having achieved a high ATAR, and then got to uni and failed all the science courses I was taking in my Science/Arts degree (while still getting a HD in my Italian class ... I wouldn't have expected anything less, considering I'd studied it since kindergarten and consistently earned A grades in it throughout high school). All while still convincing myself that my hyperfixation on Naya Rivera (may she rest in peace and power), who at the time starred on Glee as the iconic Santana Lopez, was just a sign of me being extremely queer (which I am), needing to engage in queer media (the love story between Santana and Brittany is one that I still have immense love for), and, of course, finding her really attractive (which she definitely was, let's be real) and was definitely not a sign of my *very obvious to everyone around me except me* autism (even though at my year 12 formal I launched into a full on passionate speech for the better part of an hour after a little underaged drinking about the Glee episode I'd just watched the night before in which Finn outed Santana and why that was totally messed up and should not have happened under any circumstances ... my friends and I can now have a good laugh about it but at the time it felt so significant).

The one place where I was "openly" autistic was in private conversations online. I engaged in deep written conversations on Tumblr and Fanfiction.net with fellow autistic people who shared my intense love of the beautiful relationship between Santana and Brittany (a character who is often headcanoned as neurodivergent) on Glee. Offline, I was still playing the role of a neurotypical whose poor academic performance at uni was due to laziness and not because they were genuinely struggling with the demands of adulthood.

Once I transferred to a small private music college, I started to meet other fellow autistic people who picked up on it with me right away. In 2015, I was in my last year at music school and was part of a Facebook group of Australian YouTubers. I had a very small channel which is still active today dedicated to posting music and (at the time) vlogs about my final semester at uni. I wasn't really that committed to uploading, as I was working full-time at Starbucks and finalising my graduation recital (which required biweekly rehearsals and arranging saxophone parts, something I was terrible at back then). I was also very disciplined about my recording setup; I needed my music videos to sound "perfect", so they took a lot of time and energy I often didn't have, and therefore, I didn't post as often as others in the group. Around this time, I noticed a post from someone who wanted to post videos about their interests as well as share their experiences as an autistic person. That person is, of course, Chloé Hayden, who plays the iconic Quinni on Heartbreak High, and was famously blocked by Sia for calling out the gross ableism in the movie Music (something I wish 15-year-old me had had the confidence to do in 2009 when my classmate proudly stood up and said her submission for the Whitlam comp was about a girl having to "deal with her autistic sister" ... seriously, how dare she disgrace Gough like that). Chloé is a couple years younger than me, but watching her videos and listening to the experiences of fellow autistic people has honestly taught me so much about myself. I also found out a couple years ago that singer-songwriter Alex the Astronaut, who was two grades below me at school, was in the same school choir as me, and used to perform at the same school events as I did, was also recently diagnosed with autism.

Although I probably should, I don't have any ill-will towards my parents for not telling me. I think if I'd have been ten years younger things might have been different. To their credit, my parents didn't put me in ABA or anything like that, but that may have also had something to do with my younger brother being born within 12 months of my initial diagnosis; understandably, a newborn takes up a lot of time, and by the time my brother was born, my first year of school was over and I got along with my year 1 teacher so much better than I did with my kindergarten teacher.

(I don't have a lot of stories about my kindergarten teacher because I blocked a lot of it out, but there's one that I still remember quite vividly ... the whole class was sitting on the floor and she was trying to get us to identify the title of the book ... I could already read before starting school ... she asked if anyone wanted to guess the name of the book ... I put my hand up and gave her the answer, and I was right ... she then spent what felt like an eternity yelling at me because I'd "spoiled" the activity for the rest of the class)

I actually had a conversation about my autism diagnosis with a friend of mine from school at our 10 year (or 11 year thanks to spicy cough) reunion who works in the mental health sector. She wanted to know how I went about navigating the NDIS, which I'd never really thought about, because I have no idea what the NDIS could possibly do for me. The only things I can think of is support with housing, because I currently live with my parents (yes, I'm 28) but can't live with housemates, and maybe a cleaner. Unfortunately, I'm university educated (undergrad and postgrad) and employed full-time so I can't see that happening any time soon.

Now that I'm finally "at peace" with being autistic, I do often feel a sense of impostor syndrome, like I "wasted" an early diagnosis. As an AFAB person just being seen as autistic, or potentially autistic, in 1999 was a pretty big deal. I know of people who only got diagnosed as late as 50, or who got diagnosed because their children also got diagnosed. When talking about it, people I know from uni are a lot less surprised than people I know from high school.

Because who would have thought that considering my ... lifelong trichotillimania, compulsive need to drink 10+ cups of tea every day, childhood fear of the vacuum cleaner, childhood fear of fans, adulthood fear of hair, still flinching at the sound of balloons being popped, not being able to watch the first 30 seconds of The Lion King because of the beginning part of the Circle of Life, affinity for learning musical instruments, natural athleticism but unrefined technique when it came to sport, social awkwardness, strong sense of justice, unconventional experiences with gender and gender expression, lack of experience with romantic relationships to the point where I'm still not sure if I'm aromantic or not, spending 8+ hours on The Sims, actually being really really bad at making eye contact despite years of drama, public speaking and debating, writing Glee fanfiction for the creative writing component of my HSC English exam (which I still got a band 6 for, thank you very much) ... and god knows what else.

(also once at my previous job when they were trying to get a social club going, I asked if I could be president of the antisocial club ... that one didn't really go down well)

Unfortunately, like many autistic people, I also experience a lot of burnout, especially since I work full-time and travel a long way to get to work. The reality is that our capitalist society is "designed" for neurotypicals, and it's only been recently that people have figured out that they can make workplaces more flexible and allow people to work from home. My current job is a lot better than my previous job; however, I often get migraines, and it's only been recently that I've connected my migraines with times of stress from work. I also have a tendency to stop talking (or only use profanity), and my trichotillimania gets worse.

If you can take away anything from my experiences, it's that representation matters. Autistic representation written by and centring neurotypical people as the "victims" in stories about autistic people stigmatise autism, and they aren't authentic. I'd love to be able to have a conversation with that girl from my English class and educate her - at the end of the day, it's not her fault, and at the time I was just as ignorant as she was. It's because of people like my former classmate (and myself) that we need characters like Quinni in Heartbreak High, or stories like B. R. Rhodes' Blue Rose Red, and people like Hannah Gadsby and Alex the Astronaut. The more disabled people we have sharing authentic experiences, the better.

And honestly, the sooner characters like neurotypical Luke Ford's portrayal of Charlie in The Black Balloon, Maddie Ziegler's woefully misguided Music in Sia's terrible film Music, and the autistic prop sibling Lily in my probably-well-meaning yet extremely ignorant classmate's short story become embarrassing and socially unacceptable, the better.

[ginstermoff]

Announcement: I am very plump and soft and adorable. My body is nice and even though it hurts at times, I'm doing an amazing job. That's all. Thanks for reading! ♡