#forgot to mention that it annoys the hell out of shun

[kurikoluvrr]

i have a hc that aren leans on something like a wall or desk or like slightly bows when he’s talking to shun to kinda get down to his level

[cherrytoru]

A Letter For You

also titled: Five Times Yaku Said I love You & When They Said It Back

Word Count: 2.4 K

 Pronouns: they/them

warnings: swearing, a little bit of angst, currently unedited

Authors Note: this is my second time posting this cause tumblr decided to delete it last time. also apologise of the lack of a read more for some reason tumblr won’t let me add it right now.

tags: @thembo-for-anime @ohayoposts (uhh tagging you so you can get your yaku fix-)

Number One: Hasty Confessions

Yaku Morisuke was lot of things, late was not one of them. But alas here he is, running faster than he ever has in his life. Okay maybe that one is a stretch.

As he ran towards the club room he racked his brain for a logical reason of how he ended up in this situation. His alarm was set. And so was his back up. Hell even his back up’s back up was on. So why was he sprinting to Nekoma 20 minutes later than he should have arrived?

Yaku didn’t really have an excuse. All he really knew was that he was late and starving. He also knew that the chances of him getting to eat before lunch were slim to none.

“Yakkun!” He turned his head to where the sound was coming from. Standing by the club door was Y/N, waving at him a small smile on their lips. “There you are! I was starting to get worried.”

He let out a breathy laugh. “I slept through my alarm by accident.” He sheepishly replied rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well don’t keep the team waiting, they need their libero, silly.” And with that they pushed him into the club room, closing the door behind him to allow him privacy.

Yaku let out a sign of relief when he walked into the gym. No one seemed to ridicule him for showing up late. He quickly stretched and got to work receiving with Lev.

Practice went on as normal despite his late entrance. He yelled at Lev for failing to receive the ball. Kuroo laughed and poked fun at the pair. And seemingly as soon as it started it was over.

A knock resonated from the door of the club room. “Are ya decent?” Y/n yelled with a slight laugh.

“Yeah yeah you’re good creep.” Kuroo laughed out as Y/N creaked open the door.

“Yaku are you good?” He perked up at the mention of his name, a slight blush dusting his cheeks realizing you where staring at him questioningly.

“Huh? Uh what?”

“You’re tie?” He looked down the the crooked knot which donned his neck. They stalked towards him, hands reaching out to pull the knot undone.

Fingers making quick work of the loose fabric. “Thanks.” He flushed again.

They nodded quickly grabbing his blazer and handing it to him. “Let’s go.” They walked back towards the door but paused, hand stopped on the handle. “Don’t need you being late again.”

Yaku sat at his desk feeling nauseous. The lack of food in his system finally catching up to him. Dropping his head down on to the desk hoping it would all just go away.

Soft footsteps made there way in his direction before stopping in front of his desk. “Yakkun.” The soft voice didn’t register as his beloved manager at first.

An annoyed groan paired with an overly annoyed face came out of the libero’s mouth. As soon as he looked up his face softened at the sight of Y/N. “Are you feeling alright?”

The paled skin and clear look of discomfort on his face where answer enough for the manager. Silently They placed a tin and bottle of water onto his desk.

Opening the tin Yaku was greeted by an arrangement of fruit. He quickly picked up the utensil from the side of the tin and started to shovel the fruits into his mouth. Y/N smiled to themself seeing him more relaxed than he had previously been.

Yaku looked up at them, words fall from his mouth quicker than he could think them over “Thank you, Y/N. I love you.” To Y/N it seemed like he hadn’t even realized what he had said as he went straight back to eating.

“Of course, Yakkun.” They muttered leaning down to place a kiss on his cheek. Although they walked out too quickly to see the red flame filling his cheeks.

Number Two: Sleepy Confessions

The second time Yaku muttered the words “I love you” Y/N was after he suffered yet another sleepless night.

He could count on one hand the hours of sleep he managed to catch last night. No matter what he tried he just couldn’t manage to peacefully fall into slumber.

He’s movements were lagged, and his receives were off. Despite all this no one commented on how he was in fear of irking him.

An all to familiar knock rang at the door. Y/N walked in to make sure the lingerers of the team where finishing up. A look of soft concern was thrown to Yaku, but they decided not to press the matter right now. He was still getting changed after all.

Although that didn't stop them from sliding a coffee across his desk where he laid with his head down once again.

“Yakkun? Can you drink this for me?” He peered up at his manager in front of him looking at him with a sympathetic smile.

He nodded with a small smile, cracking the can open and taking a sip. “Did you not get enough sleep last night?” they frowned.

“I just couldn’t seem to fall asleep is all...” He looked down into the can almost as if it would magically wake him up more.

“Alright, I’ll see you at lunch Yakkun.” they stood up from the seat they had previously resigned in and ruffled his fair. His leaning into their hand didn’t go unnoticed and resulted in them smiling to themself.

Lunch came quickly much to Yaku’s enjoyment as he found himself surrounded by his friends. He also found himself significantly more drowsy than he was just a few hours earlier. The coffee Y/N had given him doing seemingly nothing at this point.

“Yaku-senpai you look tired are you okay?” Lev questioned.

Yaku sighed shaking his head slightly, taking another bite of the onigiri in his hand. Soft eyes fell upon him and small hands gestured towards him.

Quietly he shuffled and his head found its way onto their lap. A sigh of content managed to slip past his lips as he started to drift off. Lev stifled a giggle as Y/N sent a glare his way, a silent warning to let Yaku sleep.

Nimble fingers found their way into his hair. sifting and lightly tugging in hopes of allowing him to rest peacefully even if it was just for a few minutes.

Yaku muttered a few words of affirmation to continue their ministrations. In his lulled state he mumbled daring words causing all but Y/N to freeze.

“Mmm... I love you...” A small contented smile plastered on his face.

Number Three: Rushed Confessions

The third time Yaku confessed to Y/N it was pouring down rain and he had forgotten his umbrella.

From inside the gym the rain sounded more like an army coming to attack than the thunderstorm that was correctly predicted for today.

A loud laugh resonated from the opposite side of the gym where Kuroo sat next to Y/N and Kenma. He stared at the group with admiration in his eyes, although he cleverly masked it with faux annoyance on his face. “Stop being so loud Kuroo.” He shunned.

“Awe don’t be mean Yakkun.” Y/N teased playfully, “C’mere doofus.”

Yaku trekked towards the group and placed himself next to Y/N. Without saying anything they wrapped their arm around him and pulled him towards their shoulder where he placed his head.

After a few more minutes Kuroo and Kenma left, the former holding up his umbrella for the two in hopes that the latter’s game wouldn’t get ruined.

So there the two sat. cuddled together as the rain pounded down atop the roof of the gym. Neither made any effort to move. If you where to ask either of them they would have quickly dismissed their staying. A readied excuse of “oh we forgot our umbrellas so we’re just waiting out the storm” at the tip of their tongues.

For Yaku it wouldn’t be a lie. He hadn’t heeded the warnings of the storm from the news broadcast early on in the morning. He had a long walk and it would be even longer with walking Y/N home to insure their safety. And what gentleman would he be if he didn’t offer his umbrella to protect them from the rain. So instead he opted for sitting with them in the quiet gym.

For Y/N it was as from from the truth as possible. They always kept an extra umbrella in the club room for situations just like these. And even if they didn’t they could have just asked Lev if they could have their umbrella back so they could make the journey home without threat of water in their hair or coat. But instead they let the white lie slip past their lips in hopes of spending time with Yaku.

Thirty more minutes past and the storm wasn’t letting up. Both were getting antsy from sitting so still. “Serve me a few?”

Y/N turned towards the boy sitting next to them. They hesitated, their serves have never be great and they worried that Yaku would be less than enthused when he saw how poor they truly were. “Okay.”

So they grabbed the ball bin from the closet and started. The serves weren’t the greatest but Yaku received every one. In stark contrast to the last time he haphazardly confessed his feelings for them. It was after a rather bad serve that Yaku let it slip once again.

“Man I love you..” He mumbled to himself as he watched Y/N sheepishly rub the back of their neck. a light blush dusted their cheeks, not from fudging the serve but because they had heard him. But he didn’t need to know that.

Number Four: Angry Confessions

The fourth time Yaku confessed he hated it. He hated it cause he hurt them and that’s the last thing he would have ever wanted to do.

It wasn’t uncommon for a teenager to go on dates. Yaku understood this but he couldn’t help but get angry when they happily gushed to some of their friends that Washio had asked them out.

He didn’t hate Washio. In fact at one point he would have said they could have been friends. But hearing the person who he had been so infatuated with called him Washio-kun lead every feeling of friendliness to leave his body. Instead being replaced with something he couldn’t describe. Kuroo could however, and he would describe it as pure, unadulterated jealousy.

Yaku wouldn’t come to terms with his jealousy until he was trying to have a conversation with Y/N but they kept checking their phone every few minutes. He had no way of knowing if they were texting Washio. In fact they were actually texting Bokuto about how while they appreciated the sentiment of Washio’s offer ultimately they turned him down because they care deeper for someone much closer to them.

Of course Yaku didn’t know this though and the buzzing of their phone was only making him more angry. And when they giggled down at heir phone, a look of admiration in their eye’s he snapped.

“Why do you keep texting him so fucking much?” shit.

“What?” The abrupt outburst startled them and as their phone clattered against the table Yaku realized he shouldn’t have said anything. But at this point he couldn’t stop.

“I’m trying to have a conversation with you and you keep fucking texting him!” Tears brimmed their eyes and threatened to spill at the harshness of Yaku’s words.

“Yakkun wait-”

“No.” He huffed “I can’t stand seeing you so fucking excited about Washio when I’m right fucking here.” They both were crying now.

Y/N didn’t know where Yaku’s words where coming from. He seemed happy when they had first told everyone that Washio had asked them out.

Yaku didn’t know how they weren’t able to notice the tight lipped smiles that he wore whenever they brought him up. How could they completely miss how much he cared about them. How in love with them he was.

But by the time Yaku had gotten out of his head Y/N was starting to walk out of his bedroom. “W-Wait! Y/N!” He scrambled up in an attempt to stop them from leaving.

They wanted too. They really did but they didn’t want him to see that tears that streamed down their face knowing how they would effect him. So they kept walking. “Wait please!” He panicked. He never wanted to make you upset. “Please... I love you...”

Number Five: Letter Confessions

It had been a week. A week since he had yelled at them. A week since he had hurt them. He knew they wouldn’t speak to him. He didn’t blame them for it. He couldn’t text them . It wouldn’t feel as sincere as he wants.

So he did the next best thing. He wrote a letter. A letter detailing every feeling he felt for them. He poured out his heart and soul and hoped that it would be enough for them to at least forgive him for lashing out.

After several hours and several crumpled papers later, he entrusted the safety of the letter in the hands of their favorite first year. Much to his own displeasure.

When Lev appeared in the door frame of their classroom the other students whispered about the silver giant awkwardly looking for Y/N. When he spotted them, his face lit up and he shuffled his way towards the back of the room.

He quietly placed the red letter onto their desk. Anyone watching the scene unfold would have assumed the letter was from the first year. But they knew better, they recognized the lettering of their name atop the envelope. It wasn’t the first time Yaku had decided to apologize with a letter.

They sighed opening the envelope carefully, they would add it to their collection of letters previously sent. The apology was standard at first. Exactly what you’d expect when your best friend screamed at you for reasons unbeknownst to you.

The second half of the letter caught their attention though. No longer was it an apology but instead a confession. Yaku had written out exactly how he felt about his best friend simply ending the letter with “I love you, Yaku.”

Double Sided Confessions

Quickly Y/N forced themself out of their chair grabbing their bag and the letter running towards Yaku’s class.

“Morisuke.” They breathed out standing in front of him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Shut up already” They rolled their eyes and did the one thing they could think of doing. The one thing they’ve thought about doing for three years now. They kissed him. And he kissed them back.

“I love you too, Yakkun.”

[ginger-bread-official]

It Falls to Us

____

AU Oneshot. Padfoot was tried and found innocent and now has custody of Harry Potter. Moony struggles to forgive Sirius for thinking he would be the spy.

It had only been two weeks. Two weeks since the war ended. Two weeks since Wormtail had betrayed the Order. Two weeks since James and Lily Potter made their stand against Voldemort leaving their son an orphan. They had since been buried and laid to rest in Godrics Hollow in a private ceremony only open to those who knew them. Remus had watched his best friends be lowered into the ground feeling more hollow than ever before. Everyone who had accepted him was gone. James and Lily dead, Peter on the run for his treachery, Harry living with Sirius. And Sirius…well there’s only so much one man can forgive. He of course understood on a logical level why Sirius believed him to be a spy. He was a dark creature and had every reason to turn double agent for Voldemort. He had been shunned all of his life and could easily become bitter. It made sense. But how could he ever believe it? How could he think that Remus would turn on those he thought as family, on those who accepted him, loved him. Remus stood next to Sirius at the funeral only exchanging information about visits with Harry. Neither could bridge the gap between them that the war had left. He doubted that they ever would. But he forgot one thing...

“Remus!” Sirius’ voice rang through the cottage, shocking the depressing silence that had settled around Moony in the wake of all he had lost.

“Sirius.” Moony yelped in surprise seeing his school mate’s head in the floo.

“Remus please I need help!” he said earnestly, “I can’t get him to stop crying. I don’t know what’s wrong.” Lupin stood from the dining table.

“Harry?” he asked simply looking for more context.

“Yes bloody Harry. Please Moony I don’t know what to do.” Sirius pleaded with the werewolf

“I’ll be right there.” Remus stood and ran to his room for his wand and some potion ingredients. He hurried through the floo to Sirius’ flat and found him standing there holding a wailing Harry.

“He won’t stop crying.” He repeated handing the infant over to the werewolf, “I’ve tried changing him, feeding him, burping him. I don’t know what’s wrong.” Remus took the boy in his arms and tried to soothe him by gently rocking him back and forth. His screams persisted. Lupin then brought his hand to the child’s forehead.

“He has a fever.” Sirius paled at Lupin’s words. “Where’s Lily’s stuff?” he asked pushing through the pain at the mention of his dead friend.

“It’s all in the spare bedroom.” He responded taking Harry back when Remus indicated he should do so.

“Wet a cloth with lukewarm water and dab Harry with it. I’ll find her recipes for tonics.” Sirius hurried off to do as he was instructed while Lupin made his way to the spare bedroom with equal haste. He hesitated only for a moment when he reached the door; not knowing if he was ready to be confronted with the Potters possessions. However, the wails of their child pushed him forward. He sifted through boxes of pictures, clothes, and countless memories. His heart felt like it was going to cave in on itself. He fought through the tears now freely streaming down his face looking for the baby book he knew Lily kept. He finally found the small red notebook under one of James’ old quidditch jerseys. The one he wore under his wedding tux for good luck. He went to the kitchen where Sirius was bathing a still crying Harry.

“I’ve got Lily’s book, where’s your potions set?”

“Under the counter.” He replied over his shoulder, his voice still panicked. Lupin set to work, mixing a mild potion for Harry’s fever. He flipped through the notebook, passed excerpts on Harry’s diet, his nutrient potions, balms for his baths. Some were in Lily’s elegant cursive, and some in James’ messy scrawl. He found the anti-inflammatory potion and brewed it as quickly as he could. Harry was no longer screaming, but still whined in discomfort. Luckily the potion wasn’t too difficult and was ready in minutes.

“Here,” he handed Sirius a dish of the silvery paste while he held his own, “we need to rub this on him and it’ll bring down the fever.”

“Are you sure Moony?” he asked

“I’m not,” he looked down worriedly at the balm, “but this is Lily’s recipe, and she’s the expert.” He dipped his fingers into the paste and began rubbing it on Harry’s round belly. The cool substance seemed to calm him bit by bit, until he was practically cooing at the two men above him. Remus felt a smile stretch across his face as he watched his friend’s son clap with excitement. They gave him a proper bath, charming bubbles to dance around him, and the rubber ducks to quack at him. Lupin felt happiness fill in the hollow of his chest for the first time since the funeral. Harry was going to be ok.

He washed the boy’s thick black hair, lightly brushing his thumb over the lightning bolt cut on his forehead. He had survived a killing curse from the most powerful dark wizard of all time, and yet a fever still brought fear into the men’s hearts.

“We should put him down for a nap.” Lupin broke from his musings about the vulnerable child they had in front of them.

“He better be tired from all the wailing he did.” Sirius jested, picking up the boy in a towel. “You’ve got your mothers lungs kid. Merlin she could yell.” He carried the baby off to his crib leaving Lupin to clean up the kitchen. He let the cold flow of depression sweep through his veins again as he thought of going home to his grief. Although it had been frightening, he was distracted from his depression and even felt happy at one point. Harry was the only good thing left in his life, and seeing him smile despite his parent’s death brought some reminisce of peace to Lupin.

“Thanks for your help Moony.” Sirius’ voice jolted Remus from his stupor. “I really don’t know how I would have dealt without you.” Lupin noticed for the first time how tired Sirius looked. His skin was pale and his eyes red rimmed.

“Anything for Harry.” Lupin responded, receiving a nod from Sirius. He allowed a moment of silence to pass between them before asking, “Why did you call me?”

“I told you, I didn’t know what to do.” He moved to the living room and sat on the couch with an exasperated huff.

“Yes,” he followed him, “But why me? Why not Poppy, or McGonagall, or your cousin Andromeda?” Sirius looked confused with the question.

“You were just the first person who came to mind.” Silence fell again between them. Lupin watched as Sirius lost focus and stared off, deep in thought. They sat there for probably a half an hour letting the situation sink in. Upstairs sleeping peacefully was Harry Potter, the Boy who lived, James and Lily’s son and now, their responsibility. Sirius let out a long breath to break the silence.

“How the hell am I going to do this Moons?”

“With help.”  He responded into the stillness of the air around them. “Poppy can help with all the—”

“I can’t go to Pomfrey.” Sirius interrupted

“Why not?” Lupin asked after a moment.

“Because I fought tooth and nail with Dumbledore so he would agree to let me take Harry.” He leant forward with his arms resting on his knees and his gaze down cast. “If she tells him about me needing help he’ll think I can’t handle it and take him away.”

“Then how about your cousin.” Lupin offered remembering the woman who ran off with a muggleborn. “She has a daughter, right? I’m sure she can help.” Sirius sighed

“She’s not ready to come out of hiding. Ever since Bellatrix tried to kidnap Nymphadora she’s been paranoid about coming back out into public.”

“Well I’m sure she’ll—”

“No Moony. I have to do this by myself.” He interrupted again, his tone now stern.

“Why?” Lupin asked annoyed at his stubbornness.

“Because it’s my fault that’s why?!” Sirius raised his voice in frustration. Lupin felt a sudden wave of pity for the man staring back at him through watery eyes. “Because I’m the reason they’re dead, because my stupidity cost James and Lily their lives.” Lupin reached for Sirius’ shoulder.

“Sirius” but he stood abruptly and paced away from Remus.

“Don’t you see?! I have to do this. He’s my fucking godson, the purpose of me is to take care of him now that they’re gone! I have to raise that little boy as if he were my own, love him and protect him, and then one day tell him I’m the reason he doesn’t have parents.” Tears were freely streaming down his face, all semblance of control lost. He took a vase from the mantle and threw it against the opposing wall. The sound of the shatter woke Harry from his slumber and set him into a new fit of wails from the other room.

“Shit!” Sirius rushed off to his room and returned with Harry in his arms no longer crying, but still shaken and fussy. Sirius focused on soothing the baby while Remus stood and walked over to the pair. He brushed back some of Harry’s thick black hair, revealing the wound from his confrontation with the Dark Lord.

“It’s not your fault Padfoot.” Remus spoke softly while Sirius’ gaze was fixed on the small child in his arms. “I trusted and loved Peter just as much. It isn’t our fault that we trusted our brother.”

“He’s no brother of mine.” Sirius said darkly.

“Not anymore, but he was, we all were.” Sirius finally looked up at Remus “It’s no one’s fault but his. He’s the one who chose cowardice. All we did was trust him.” Harry, now calmed, began to snuggle into Sirius and fall asleep again.

“I’m sorry I suspected you Moons.” Sirius said at a whisper.

“It’s understandable.” Lupin conceded.

“No it’s despicable is what it is. I let prejudice cloud my judgement.” He shifted so Harry was in one arm and put his hand on Lupin’s shoulder. “You’re more man than anyone I know.” This morning he was positive that he was going to hate Sirius Black for the rest of his life. But standing there both having lost so much, he found that he couldn’t help but forgive him.

“I’ll stay a few days to help with Harry.” Lupin saw Sirius smile for the first time since Halloween.

A few days turned into a few weeks which in turn became years. They helped each other grieve and accept what had happened. Although Sirius still felt guilty, he decided being a good guardian for Harry was more important than self-pity. He managed to convince Remus to co-parent with him, Lupin’s biggest reservation being, of course his lycanthropy. Sirius, having inherited a large fortune, bought a house in Godrics Hollow. Where they could raise Harry and bring him to visit his parents as much as he wanted. Their house had air tight security since death eaters were still out for the boy who lived, but they tried not to shelter him too much, knowing James and Lily wouldn’t want their son to be raised that way. It was a different situation and not always the easiest, but it worked for them. Some days were harder than others, like the day Harry asked where his mom was, or the time he called Sirius ‘dad’, but they made the best of it. Their family was smaller than it once was, but no less a family.

[writeyourownlifestory]

L I G H T S U P

Chapters: 3/20 Fandom: IT Rating: M Warnings: No warnings at this time Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh/Ben Hanscom Additional Tags: PunkRocker!Eddie, Writer!Richie, Beveddie!Friendship, No Clown Written by: myself & @ahardlife​ Tag list: @richietoaster, @beproudtozier, @that-weird-girls-blog, @s-onora, @s-s-georgie, @bellarosewrites, @iamcupcakefrosting, @reddieonwheels, @ghostnebula, @madidraw @madi-main, @gazebobullshit, @thoughtfullyyoungduck​, @airbenderking

Puff piece writer Richie Tozier is given the chance of a lifetime to interview his celebrity crush: Dr. K, the lead singer of punk rock band, Trashmouth. Dr. K is about to release his first solo album and Richie wants to get all the dirty details. But all is not what it appears to be and the two realize they know each other from a different time, in a different place, when they were both very different people.

Chapters One, Two 

Kill My Mind - Louis Tomlinson 

You kill my mind Raise my body back to life And I don't know what I'd do without you now

Kept me living From the last time From a prison of a past life On a mission just to feel like When you kissed me for the last time

While he may not have been the most studious of those who worked at Paper Boat magazine, Richie was anything if not professional. He stayed up throughout the night as he pieced together the interview to send to Bill. He wanted to ace that job, mind you. Even if he just did fluff pieces and bullshit reports, he always made sure his work was coherent and easy to read.

When the following day came, he made his way back into the studio, clutching a large coffee with a double shot, recalling what the singer said again and again.

What the fuck did he mean by it was nice to see you again?

He thought about all the people he had met throughout the years in the industry and nope. Dr. K wasn’t on that list. He had been a fan of Trashmouth since he was a junior in college, there is no fucking way he would have forgotten meeting him even if it was early on in his career.

As he made his way to his cubby, he stumbled into Georgie, who was adjusting his camera and making his way down to the designated photoshoot area.

“Jesus, you look terrible. What happened to you?” Was the first thing he asked him.

“Thanks for the support, little man. I appreciate it,” he commented with a chuckle. “I had to edit the interview and it took longer than expected.” He admitted sipping at his coffee, trying to make it seem casual.

He also stayed awake, examining the selfie he had taken moments before the bombshell. He had seen Dr. K’s face nearly every day for the past eight years. Richie was very sure if they had met before, he would have recognized him.

You don’t just forget about meeting a fucking rockstar even if you met them before their star status.

“Oh, right,” the guy nodded, going back to set his camera. “He’ll be here in five. The singer guy. His assistant just called me,” he informed.

Sometimes he forgot that Georgie was nearly ten years younger than Bill. Still in college with a lush career on his shoulders all thanks to his brother’s connections. He would be jealous of the little fucker if he wasn’t such a damn sweetheart.

“Cool. Cool cool.”

“You can come along if you want. No one is allowed access other than me and Bill, but since you’re doing the expose on him, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be there too.”

“Oh. Right. Thanks.”

And he was panicking again. He really shouldn’t be because like Georgie said, he was just a singer guy. Except he wasn’t. He was Dr. K. Lead -- former -- lead singer of Trashmouth. A band that meant more to Richie than he is proud to admit at this very moment.

As they made their way down to the secluded area, Richie’s mouth started watering. Was that normal? He’d have to check with a doctor. A real one. True to words, Dr. K and Beverly arrived a few minutes later with Bill in tow. Georgie greeted them kindly, while Richie just stood off awkwardly to the side, staring out at him like a psycho as Georgie explained what they wanted him to do.

It wasn’t going to be anything wild. Richie had seen other promotional photos of the man and while some of them helped him get through some very lonely nights, this wasn’t going to be like that. They weren’t giving him stupid props or greasing him up.

He would wear the clothes he came in with (black jeans and a black and white checkered button-down), and Bill would talk to him throughout it just to keep him confident and relaxed. It was pretty standard with Paper Boat. They wanted real people so having a photoshoot that was more photoshopped than anything wasn’t their cup of tea.

Giving Georgie a minute to set up, Richie watched as Dr. K approached him, that particular smile sitting so comfortably across his lips. It only made Richie more nervous.

“Hey Richie,” He greeted him casually.

“Hey! Hi. Good morning,” He rambled out, his hand still clutching his coffee. “Excited for the shoot?”

“Nothing new to me to be honest, though I do appreciate your boss not lathering me up in lube.” He admitted with a small shrug.

“That was a great shoot. I mean, I doubt it was comfortable and it had to be a bitch to wash off, but ten out of ten stars for me.” He mentioned, rolling on the balls of his feet. He was teetering. Waiting. Waiting for what though? If he didn’t spit it out he would miss his chance and then the mystery would only continue. “Hey, can I ask you something real quick?”

“Shoot.”

“Yesterday, at the interview before you left, remember? You- you said it was nice to see me again,” he started, pausing as Beverly came over, passing Dr. K his own cup of coffee.

Richie took a slow sip of his mouth, hoping to quench his throat that was suddenly very dry.

Dr. K thanked her, sipping at his cup as Beverly left them again. “Mhm, I remember.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it and honestly dude, I don’t remember ever meeting you.” He finally confessed. “Did we like, have a class together in school? I highly doubt it because you were touring while I was getting my bachelor's, but I really can’t find you anywhere in my mind. And trust me, I would remember someone like you. Cute, and sexy, and talented. You’re like a triple threat and I have like, seven shirts with your face on it, plus multiple pictures of you in my apartment, and I’ve seen you perform sixteen times in the past eight years, and I should stop talking now because Bill is literally right there and told me I shouldn’t embarrass myself and me-“

Dr. K started laughing then, soft and sweet. His smile only grew and those dark eyes shimmered almost lovingly. “Beep beep, Richie.”

And after that he was whisked away by Georgie. They didn’t apply much makeup other than some powder to help with the shine. Richie was left standing like a fool, watching as Dr. K was placed where they wanted him and Bill began talking to him as the photoshoot began.

“Beep beep?” Richie muttered aloud, trying to remember where he heard that before.

Until it clicked.

“Beep beep, Richie!”

Richie laughed aloud, turning back to make sure the other boy was still behind him. It was summer and they were kids, which meant they were going to do whatever the hell they wanted to do without a single care in the world. Their town was small and boring, so what else were two ten year old kids supposed to do? Sit at home and watch cartoons?

They rode their bikes around town, finally making it to the standpipe where they could have a bit of privacy. They went there more often than not, as it was the only place in the whole damn town that wasn’t a waste of space.

They hurried inside, just as they had so many times before. As children, preteens, and then finally teenages. Sure, two ten year olds running a muck was pretty annoying, but it was the thirteen year olds that caused the most trouble, with their potty mouths and terrible ideas.

Richie lead the other boy inside, sneaking through the rickety door and up, up, up the stairs until they reached the very top. It was the only place high enough where you could see beyond Derry. See the horizon as the sun set down and actually know there was more of this world than just their shitty town.

“All right, Rapunzel! I’ve brought you back to your tower, far away from that terrible, terrible witch that kept you captive!”

“That’s not even how the story goes, dumbass.” The other boy laughed.

His words were meant to be cruel, but they weren’t. And his gaze wasn’t one of disdain but appreciation. Richie adjusted his glasses, moving closer to the other boy. “Either way, I’m still the prince charming, here to save the beautiful prince.”

The other boy rolled his eyes fondly.

“If your mom puts you under a sleeping spell, I’ll have to be the one to kiss you awake.” Richie announced.

“Wrong princess, Richie.”

“You do look rather sleepy, Eds. Maybe I should try it now? Just for practice?”

“Beep beep, Richie.” The other boy replied, pulling the taller boy in to kiss him softly.

Richie hurried out of the studio, going up the stairs and out onto the street to gather from fresh air. He felt a tightness in his stomach that he hadn’t dealt with in a very long time. He was sweaty and jumpy as people moved along the street beside him. It was as if he had seen a ghost and in some ways, he had.

There was only one person in his life who said those words to him; the mocking clown nose sound that would be used to sensor him or shut him up.

It was him. After all these years. After all the nightmares. After all the therapy sessions he finally walked back into his life.

Eddie Kaspbrak.

They had been friends since kindergarten. Best friends almost right off the bat. Eddie was a shy kid who didn’t do well with crowds and Richie was a class clown who was shunned from all other cliques due to how obnoxious he was even from an early age.

They were two people who didn’t belong in the small town they were trapped inside. Two boys who shared common interests and scars, and more importantly, secrets.

Eddie Kaspbrak was the reason Richie turned into such a basket case, so afraid to come out of his shell and be proud of who he was.

And it was Dr. K that helped Richie step out of the darkness and into the light.

Now it appeared they were one in the same.

There was no other way around it. Nobody else had ever said such a thing to him. “Beep beep” had been their thing, the thing Eddie would say to get him to stop talking back when they were just kids. There was no possible way anybody else would know that.

After finally realizing he wasn’t happy with the life had been living Richie went to therapy where he basically cried out every sad story he had to tell. In the end the therapist suggested he reach out to his old pal. Richie looked him up on every social media account he could but there was no sign of him anywhere.

It was like he didn’t exist anymore.

In the back of his mind Richie thought the worst and he had good reason to. Things didn’t end well for them back when they were kids. They were torn apart due to the prejudices of society and the pure hatred from Eddie’s mother. He always wondered what happened to his friend, especially since it was very clear that he and Eddie were more than friends.

There was a time when he used to think they were fucking soulmates. It was silly to think and he was just thirteen when those thoughts popped into his head into his head but back then he didn’t care.

It was just him and Eddie against the world. But the world ended up winning in the end.

Richie left the studio then, unsure of how he was supposed to carry on with the rest of the day with the knowledge he now had. He had practically gotten sick of it, thinking back to his childhood and how terrible things had turned out for himself.

He felt sick, like every time he got nervous about something. He felt sick and scared and happy? All of a sudden. Yes, he went to therapy because he thought his best friend was gone for good. Shit, he even called to as many conversion camps he could find information about across the country. Really, Sonia Kaspbrak would do anything to keep her son for herself.

And now Eddie was back in his life. How could he not see it? He went to sixteen concerts, got a poster of the band in his house, he even got cold showers courtesy of Dr. K. It was going to be a whole lot to process it. Process, first of all, that Eddie was alive. Two, that he was in his life again and even remembered him. And three, that he was Dr. K.

What. The. Fuck.

Richie went home hoping to collect his thoughts though it didn’t turn out the way he hoped. He was going absolutely bonkers trying to control all these new revelations that were coming his way.

He tried to get his mind off it; even jumping into the shower hoping the warm water would make him feel like a normal person again but that was all for nothing.

He had to talk to Eddie. Obviously he remembered him. Remembered the things they used to say to one another. He felt like he was going out of his mind.

Looking at the clock, he swore sharply. He would be gone from the studio by now. Richie was mentally kicking himself for running away but it’s what he did best.

There had to be another way. He was desperate but he didn’t want to give up that easily.

So he called Bill, hoping to use his small amount of improv and acting skills to get him in good. “Bill! Buddy! Shit man you’re never gonna believe this.” He spoke drastically.

He told Bill this wild story about how he was watching a documentary on Galaxy Quest that got him excited, resulting in him knocking over his coffee cup onto his computer, which short-circuited as he was editing the interview.

“I got it back up and rolling but I wasn’t able to save. Yeah, it’s gone man. All of it. I was hoping you had the number of his assistant so I could reschedule another one on one.”

“You gotta be more careful, Rich. MacBooks aren’t cheap.” Bill replied with a laugh.

He texted him the number of Dr. K’s personal assistant.

Easy as that.

Richie was ready to relay the whole story back to Beverly and when he did he thought that maybe it would be just as easy. Of course, it wasn’t.

“Mr. Denbrough asked enough questions during the photoshoot to qualify as an interview. Surely that shall suffice, Mr. Tozier.” She spoke coolly.

“It could but it wouldn’t answer the hard-hitting questions that our readers want to know about,” Richie replied. “Look it will only be a few minutes. I’ll even come to him if you give me the address.”

“I very well can't just give you the address of Dr. K’s home.” Beverly laughed off dismissively.

“Bev — can I call you Bev? — I need you to work with me here. I know I sound desperate and pathetic but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I am both.”

He wasn’t going to sugar coat it. He ran away because he was a weak bitch but he had to talk to Eddie about this. Needed him to fill in the gaps of their lives.

“Ten minutes, that’s all. I don’t want to waste his time, I just want to talk to him. You can even supervise if you’re worried I’m gonna jump him or anything.”

“You don’t give up easily, do you, Tozier?”

“Actually I’ve been known to give up very easily. It’s just different this time around,” Richie confessed.

The line was quiet for a moment; too quiet that Richie thought that maybe the call dropped. He pulled away to look but found Beverly continuing.

“He’s not at his current home. He’s staying at the Waldorf Suites until further notice.” She explained.

He told her the name that he was staying under and explained he would be there for the rest of the night. Richie looked down at the paper, his heart jumping in his throat when he saw the name he was currently listed under “Spaghetti” which just hit too close to him.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Mr. Tozier.” She warned lightly.

“I make zero promises, Ms. Ringwald.” He said before ending the call.

He jumped up from his seat then, rushing off to change back into his clothing so he could hit the road and get some answers.

[crossbows-and-moonshine]

Into My Web (Chapter 3)

Its been so weird writing this one. I'm so used to writing pre-show and season one Daryl that's it's strange now. I've mentioned so many times how his voice changes throughout the seasons and I keep watching clips to see him right and hear his voice how it should be around the time.

If anyone's interested just what era Daryl I'm writing since this isn't really canon, I've been watching the video TWD S3E9 - Daryl Leaves the Group for his Brother by the account Rick Grimes on youtube. This is how he looks in my head and how he sounds. Just if anyone cares loool.

I’m writing this author note way after I finished this chapter.

I have like only 6 chapters written up of this so far and I’m fucking freaking out because I’m gonna fall behind loool

I’m not as inspired with this one as I was with Flames and I’m really hoping it just kicks the fuck in or I’m gonna go insane.

I really should have started posting my other Daryl one I've been working on. I have like 11 chapters of that one done and I have a clearer idea of where I'm going with that one.

Bad life choices

-------------------------

“Give me my damn bow back Daryl!” Arabella snarled as she stomped after the hunter through the yard. He was still a few steps away from her and he had been ignoring her protests all through the prison. She lunged forward and grabbed his wrist, yanking it so he turned around to face her. His face was unimpressed as she glared at him.

“Give it me back!” she repeated, her eyes ablaze.

“I said no princess,” he smirked, clearly loving seeing her so upset.

“It's not yours, its mine, so give it the fuck back!” she yelled, her anger reaching an all-time high. Her small hand was still firmly gripping his wrist and the touch felt like it was setting him on fire as it spread through his arm. He yanked it away from her easily as he scowled down at her.

“What part of no do ya not get here?” he asked harshly, she clenched her jaw fighting the urge to deck him.

“What the hell is going on out here?” Rick asked, glaring at the pair of them like naughty children.

“He took my bow Rick!” she frowned at him. Yeah, they certainly acted like fucking children. Rick squeezed his eyes shut for a moment and heaved a sigh. He was so sick of dealing with them like this. Daryl watched him and he could sense the impending ear-bashing a mile away.

“Rick, ‘fore ya start, I only took it ‘cause she needs the rest alright? Her arms were shakin’ so bad this mornin’ just from liftin’ her damn spoon at breakfast,” Daryl defended himself. He wished he hadn't though as he realised it sounded an awful lot like he cared if she hurt herself or not. Her cheeks flushed from embarrassment that he had just declared that, not only to Rick but everyone else milling about, and also the fact he was right and he had seen her struggling.

“Look, ain't like she can help round here if she fucks her arms up is it?” he asked harshly, trying to rectify what he said so it sounded a little less like he was bothered that she needed the rest.

The glare she shot his way told him it worked, at least on her. But when he looked to Rick, the tug of a smirk on his lips told him his brother most definitely wasn't so convinced.

“Maybe Daryl's right here. If you hurt yourself then you’ll never learn. You need to take it easy,” Rick said in that diplomatic tone he always had. Arabella squinted at him with her nostrils flaring.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?! I won't even use it Rick! I just want it back! It’s mine, people have no right just taking my shit!” she implored, looking at Rick with those large blue eyes. Daryl rolled his eyes and huffed, knowing Rick would give into her. She was right, it was hers, and if she wasn't going to use it, he had no reason to actually keep hold of it. He knew if someone even touched his bow they'd lose their damn teeth.

“Alright, Daryl give it her back,” Rick sighed, making Daryl grumble as he took it from his shoulder and shoved it at her. Her arms wobbled a little and she tried to ignore it as she slung it over her shoulder. Daryl had caught her though and was looking at her with a quirked brow like he was taunting her.

“You’re such an asshole Dixon,” she spat before turning on her heels, walking back inside. She knew he didn't give a shit that her arms were hurting, it was just an excuse to do something to piss her off, to take something of hers.

A couple of hours later saw Arabella sat with the youngest Greene as she tried to soothe Judith to sleep. Arabella had been shunned no matter where she went. Whether it was trying to help Tyreese at the fence, Carol with the laundry, even Rick with the fucking pigs, everyone told her to just rest and she hated it. She was being treated like she was seriously injured just because her arms ached and she knew Daryl was the asshole behind it, no doubt to taunt her of how weak she was.

“He’s just lookin’ out for you Bella,” Beth smiled softly as she rocked the baby to sleep. Arabelle squinted at her with a scoff.

“He hates me Beth, everyone knows that, he's being an asshole,” she muttered, toying with the baby bottle in her hands as a distraction.

“I don't think he hates you at all,” Beth smirked a little, glancing over to her.

“Oh right yeah, I almost forgot about your weird little theory,” she snorted, rolling her eyes.

Judith finally fell asleep and once Beth put her in bed, she came over to sit with her.

“He likes you Bella, I know he does!” she insisted, earning a laugh off her.

“Yeah right. He calls me all the names he can think of, but he likes me, sure,” she snarked, making Beth huff.

“It’s what boys do! They pull the pretty girl's hair and tease her ‘cause they like her,” she defended her theory, looking at her friend with her large innocent eyes.

“He’s a grown-ass man Beth, not a schoolboy,” Arabella snorted, shaking her head.

“Yeah, well maybe he is a little too old to act like that...but maybe he ain't ever liked a girl before, maybe you're special,” Beth grinned wickedly at her.

“That's it, I’m done. You’re awful. I’m off to find Maggie,” Arabella laughed as she stood up, making Beth giggle at her.

“You know, I have a theory,” Glenn smirked as he looked at Daryl.

“Oh God,” Maggie muttered, turning her head to fight the grin that wanted to make way on her face. The three of them were stood near the fences in the yard. Daryl had just been grumbling about Arabella and how she hurt herself being stupid for practising for so long.

“What's that?” Daryl asked gruffly as he gulped some of his water.

“I think you like her,” the shit-eating grin on Glenn’s face didn’t even falter as Daryl choked on a mouthful of his water.

“I think ya musta hit yer damn head,” Daryl snorted as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“No, hear me out a minute. You told everyone not to let her lift a finger because she hurt her arms, and we both heard how concerned you sounded this morning about giving her the bow back. Not to mention how you're always looking at her,” Glenn smirked. Daryl squinted at him, his hands clenching and unclenching like he was trying to stop himself knocking the damn assholes head of his shoulders.

“I think ya don't know what the fuck ya talkin’ about, ” he growled.

“Oh look, your girls coming over,” Glenn snickered, making Maggie cover her mouth to stifle her laugh at Daryl's murderous face.

“She ain't my damn woman,” he sneered, but much to his dismay, Glenn didn't seem the least bit scared of him. Fuck, he was losing his touch.

“Hey Mags, Beth wanted me to ask if you wanted a sleepover tonight in my cell,” Arabella asked as she got to the three of them.

“A sleepover? Its the end of the world and ya’ll gonna have a sleepover?” Daryl asked incredulously as he looked at her.

“Can you guys hear that really annoying sound?” she asked, looking confused as she looked around, making sure her eyes never landed on Daryl as she pointedly ignored him. He felt his temper flare, especially when Glenn let out an inelegant snort.

“Sure, I’ll come by later,” Maggie grinned at her friend. Soon enough Arabella was walking away again. Daryl glared after her retreating form like he wanted her to set on fire. Glenn snapped him back to reality as he started talking, and he realised he had been indeed looking at her once again and proving Glenn right. Lucky for him they seemed not to notice.

“What is it you guys do at these sleepovers?” Glenn asked curiously as he looked at his wife.

“The usual, braid each others hair, eat stuff, gossip,” Maggie shrugged casually.

“Oh. I always thought girls like...had pillow fights in their underwear or something,” he sighed looking so let down by the revelation. Daryl barked out a laugh as Maggie looked at him with her mouth agape.

“You do realise my little sister’s gonna be at this sleepover right?” she asked him carefully. Glenn looked sheepish for a brief moment, and Daryl shook his head as he quirked a brow at her.

“So ya sayin’ if it was just you and Belle there, ya’d be livin’ out his fantasies?” he asked looking amused. The couple looked to him though with shit-eating grins and he grimaced internally knowing just how he fucked up.

“He called her Belle! Oh my God! Did you hear that?!” Glenn asked gleefully as he looked at Maggie who was grinning.

“That I did. What happened to ‘Princess’?” she said the word so sickly sweet that Daryl scrunched his face up. He was pretty sure he ain't ever said it that way to her before.

“You two can go fuck yaselves,” Daryl huffed as he pointed at them, making them roar with laughter as he walked off with a groan.

“You gonna find your princess, prince charming?!” Glenn called after him, making some heads turn in the process.

“Fuck my life,” he sighed, not turning around but lifting his hand to flip him the bird before skulking off inside.

That night the three girls were sat on a blanket on the floor of Arabella’s cell. Why they chose to sit on the floor instead of the bed, she didn't know. But it felt much more like a sleepover for some reason when they sat on the floor. Maggie was braiding Beth's hair, Arabella’s had already been done. Her long blonde hair now in two french braids either side of her head, a couple of wavy bits framing her face. She was stuffing her face with some cookies they had found, they were stale but she was enjoying them all the same.

“You know Maggie agrees with me on my theory,” Beth smirked at her, making her stop mid-munch to scowl at her.

“Oh, you mean the Daryl one?” Maggie asked, shooting her friend a sly grin. Arabella rolled her eyes with a groan.

“Not this again,” she whined, she’d had enough of it for one day.

“I think he does like you,” Maggie agreed with Beth.

“Come on guys, we’re supposed to be having a fun sleepover and worshipping the holy grail here,” Arabella huffed, stroking the small bar of chocolate that lay between them on the blanket lovingly. It was tiny, they'd probably only have a bite each but it would be the best bite of anything she had ever had.

“You know, he called you Belle before,” Maggie grinned, making her look at her like she had grown another head.

“You're so full of shit,” she snorted shovelling another cookie into her mouth.

“I’m not, he was talking about you and then he called you Belle, Glenn found it hilarious,” Maggie huffed a laugh as Beth grinned.

“See! He talks about you!” Beth smiled widely at her, causing her to roll her eyes again.

“He talks about me ‘cause he goes around telling everyone I’m a weak ass bitch.” She huffed, her tone harsher than intended. Maggie could see her friends mood souring so she decided to lay off, unfortunately, her little sister wasn't so good at reading moods.

“You should talk to him, get to know him more,” she suggested.

“I tried Beth, remember? At the farm? I tried to get to know him and he didn't wanna know. If he isn't ignoring me altogether he's calling me every name under the sun. Trust me, he doesn't like me,” she bit out, glaring at the pack of cookies. Maggie tugged her sister's hair lightly making her hiss and gave her a pointed look to drop it. They were supposed to be having fun, not making her feel like shit. They dropped the issue and continued on with the sleepover, talking about anything and everything. They went through magazines years old with no new gossip in, but it didn't matter because it was all they had.

“Oh my god! You're in this one!” Beth gasped, casting her eyes to Arabella before back to the magazine as her sister leaned over to see it.

“Oh no,” she muttered, there was only ever one reason why she made it into the magazines and she was frozen as she watched on in horror.

“Heiress to whiskey company in rehab for the third time for drugs and alcohol…” Maggie read out slowly, her eyes widening as she looked over at her friend.

“You were taking drugs?” Beth whispered, looking horrified. Arabella swallowed thickly as she blushed with shame. She hated her past and she really didn't think it would come back to haunt her, not now with her new family. They’d never look at her the same after this. She snatched the magazine from Beth's hands as she glared at the floor.

“I’m not feeling well, you should leave,” she bit out, her tone leaving no room for argument. Maggie wanted to say something to make her feel better but she could see the girl had shut down, she would get nowhere right now. Instead, she dragged her sister out of the cell despite her protests.

Arabella sat on her bed glaring at the magazine in her hands. She hated that this happened, that things would be different now. Soon whispers would go around the prison and no one would want to know her. She tossed it on the floor angrily. Angry at her younger self, angry that she had to use in the first place. She flopped onto her back with a sigh and wiped a hand over her face. Everything was fucked now.

Taglist; @risingphoenix761 @daryldixonandfrogs @arlaina28 @divadinag @keeperofwonderlandus @jodiereedus22 @easnuppa @fand0m-fiend @txladyj-blog @walkingdead-dixon

[rianvys]

Gnomes are bizarre and I'm never going to question anything they do.

I was right, though! Seda is a robot. Zerov says she's very lifelike. That's pretty impressive.

SPEAKING OF, this man. This. Man. He's got to stop being cute at some point. It needs to happen. It hasn't yet and he's absolutely flirting. One hundred percent flirting. I'm very much looking forward to Saturday. I hope this goes well. I mean it's not like it's an official date but it could be an unofficial one and I have to bring my A game if it goes that way. Semi related, but he challenged me to properly pickpocket him and oh he has no idea what I have in store. No idea. It's a terrible idea but I'm absolutely sure it'll work. I think that'll also be Saturday. We both shouldn't be sober for that. It'll be good, though. I hope. If it works. I mean, hell, even if it doesn't it shouldn't be terrible. (Hopefully.) (I'm second guessing myself now, shit shit.)

There was a unit meeting today. Man, I am writing this completely out of order. Oh well, too late now. So, unit meeting. It involved a lot of standing in a line and hearing things. I got promoted! I have a tabard! It matches none of my armor and I'm sad. On the plus, red and gold. *Sin'dorei joke here.* Maybe someday I'll be able to afford better armor and then I'll get something that works with it. At least for unit meetings, you know. Gotta look sharp and make a good impression on people who's impressions of me I'll ruin a few minutes later. I know how it goes.

Someone named "Knutcrank" is going to teach us how to pilot those giant tanks in the tank bay and I'm pretty stoked. I mainly want to know what kind of person has that last name. Sounds either Gnomish or Dwarvish. It's very good. I also want to finally see the insides of those things. I'd heard stories about them, mainly about running away from them very fast. I bet they're neat. I hope I don't accidentally shoot something important. I would. I would do that.

The apparently giant human man who's missing is still missing and we're going to go look for stuff in Icecrown. I am not looking forward to that. Icecrown is very cold. I don't have my winter armor anymore. I'm going to layer every shirt I own underneath what I've got and hope for the best. Maybe I can huddle under someone's cloak on the way.

Oh, another thing. Zerov brought up a brilliant idea: I should take the mattress off my assigned bunk. That'd solve my hammock issue. It's not really an issue but I'd love to sleep on a real bed at some point. Hell, even a mattress on the floor works. It'd be easier to get in and out of while absolutely trashed, too. Less falling risk. Better suited to lazing around, too. I think if I take out the bottom row of shelves, I'll be able to slide right in there. Most of the floor will be mattress, though, but eh who cares. It's not like I do much on the floor besides stand. Change clothes. Stand more. He also said I could probably ask the Wildhammers if I could just officially use this closet. I'm debating it. We'll see. I hate asking for favors but I'm living under a risk of being booted out right now. That's a slight stress. I could just find another closet, though. But what if I run out of closets?

I'm overthinking this. I'm just gonna chill and then ask if I have to. That'll be fine. I won't get exiled from Aerie Peak for sleeping in a closet. If I get exiled, it'll probably be for something a lot worse. Comforting thought.

It's kinda nice being here, though. Like these people are all weirdos from what I can tell but they're decently nice weirdos. No one's spat on me! That's a plus. No one's asked excessively about Snuggler yet! Oh, I forgot to write that last time. I named the tentacle Snuggler because I do the opposite with it. I ignore it and shun it, as it should be shunned and ignored. I hate it so much. It's in here, wiggling by the door. It never stops wiggling. Sometimes I'll throw a blanket over it but that usually makes it look worse. Like a lot worse. I've yet to find something that permanently removes it but I'm going to find it. I'm going to. Someday.

Oh! I met Jo and the Commander's daughter. One of them. The draenei, Nia. She's adorable. Draenei kids (oho) usually are. She's studying to be a mage, I think? Her mage hand beats mine any day. I guess that's what they should look like. Mine'll never be that big, it's just this dinky little tiny hand. Oh well. It works for pickpocketing and annoying people, I'll take it.

This stew is knocking me out. Or maybe the booze. I mixed moonglow with some straight vodka and it's getting to me. In a good way, but it's getting. Gonna lay down before I fall asleep mid word.

(mentions: @vindicatorz, @josilverwright, @kiddowizard)

[pisati]

I hate feeling so annoyed by it but my head receptionist has been treating me like the girls in high school did and I can’t quite put a finger on what that means but it’s just. ugh

we got a new girl who does tech and reception back in like January or something and of course when someone is new everyone’s a little wary but welcoming. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her but I didn’t work directly with her enough, and then COVID hit and she ended up on the other team with Alexa. and I’d see Alexa tagging her in things on facebook but when you’re stuck with the same people 12 hours a day you do end up closer to them. whatever, you know?

but since we’ve been back together it feels like the girls on the other team are acting cliquey. at least, Alexa, the tech/receptionist girl, and another newer tech (though she’s honestly really nice and is cool with everyone). I get it, you all were on the same team for months. you got close. but even when we have staff meetings they’ll sit together and talk amongst themselves and won’t include the rest of us, so we’re just awkwardly sitting around while they talk and make their little inside jokes. we weren’t NOT good together as a team on our side, but we didn’t get like that.

Alexa has known I’ve been doing crafting since well before this all started. she knew I’d been tossing around the idea of an etsy shop. I finally made one. I’ve been sewing and crocheting and starting resin and I sewed a TON of masks for the clinic. she’s seen things I’ve posted on facebook and instagram. she’ll say stuff like “oh that’s cool” when I’ve told her about the things I’ve made. which, cool, I don’t need everyone to be enthusiastically supportive. we’re not close friends, I don’t expect her to do anything.

but the tech/reception girl recently started learning how to make resin things and she’s now making custom pet tags; which, cool! that’s awesome! but I’ve seen Alexa share her posts twice now to her own instagram. like “hey go support my coworker and her cute pet tags!”

I just made a facebook page for my shop too and maybe she just hasn’t been on facebook, which, okay, whatever. I literally just made the page so maybe it’s too soon to be bitter about it. but she’s liked the other girl’s facebook page.

and it just stings, you know? I don’t know what I did that she’s suddenly changed in how she sees me. she used to tag me in story posts when we’d share hot chocolate, she called me her work bestie once, we relate on the chronic illness struggles, and I was like, oh, cool, a work friend! that’s always nice to have. but now she rarely talks to me unless there’s something wrong and it feels like she just acts different towards me. it’s so hard to describe. it’s just like fucking high school, and my lab in college. people (women especially for some reason) get all toned-down around me. they aren’t unkind, but they can be somewhat brisk. I can read it on their faces— it’s like they don’t want to be talking to me and are patiently waiting for me to say what I need to say. it makes me so nervous. it’s like they’re just tolerating my presence. they’re being polite because they have to, but I can tell they don’t want me around. Alexa will talk down to me sometimes too and that’s annoying. but there’s something just straight up different about how she treats me now and I’m not a fan.

and the tech/receptionist girl.. I honestly don’t like her much. I gave her a chance. I try to be understanding with new people because I know that I don’t know them. but she literally always seems annoyed. at everyone and everything. all the time. she mumbles and sometimes when I go into treatment to get the techs’ attention for an appointment that’s just arrived, I’ll hear her say something and I can’t tell if she’s acknowledging the appointment or in her own space. she’s gotten annoyed with me and told me to put the check in clipboard on the shelf we put those on when I hesitate because I’m not sure if I got my message across. she couldn’t sound more disinterested when she answers the phone and talks to clients. and I’ve heard her on multiple occasions saying nasty things about clients based on what they look like. I get that some people are rude or weird or whatever but saying shit about them just based on their looks? fuck off with that. she was ranting to me a few weeks ago about how their team felt like they were cleaning up my team’s mistakes during split shifts and they were acting like we were so incompetent. a few times she mentioned split shifts and mentioned our team in a negative way. and I told her, “...well, we felt the same way about you guys”.

and everyone that was on her team adores her. they think her attitude is endearing. I get that things are frustrating and now you have a baby with your boyfriend at 23 and you’re making a tech salary which isn’t a lot and you have to commute from another state, but don’t make your annoyance everyone else’s problem. but she makes funny quips sometimes so they like her.

last night I was closing with the other head receptionist. it wasn’t terribly busy last night even though it was crazy in the morning, and we were feeling kind of bored. I was trying to stay on top of scans and emails all day and I finally caught up by close. she let me go home not long after because our last few appointments were still there and she took today off anyway. this morning I woke up to a text to the reception group asking if surgery paperwork got done. the receptionist I was working with was like “oh shit, sorry, and I even stayed late!” no response. I sent an “oh no I forgot too, I’m sorry”. and Alexa texted a whole paragraph like “Lou said it wasn’t busy last night and this morning has been crazy and there was a whole pile of scans this morning too”

you know what? you’re right. it wasn’t busy last night. we both should have remembered to check for drop off paperwork but we didn’t. that was my mistake before I left, and that was also Tricia’s mistake because she closed up shop and should have taken stock. but when I left there were no scans to be done. maybe two, but I had already clocked out and Tricia could have easily scanned and attached them. the techs bring up papers to scan after we close, it’s not like I’m just leaving them there intentionally for morning staff just to fuck everyone over with more stupid busy work. and I know for a FACT that the new girl told Alexa it wasn’t busy last night because she was there and she’s been taking every opportunity she can to say shit about us because of all these assumptions she’s made since we were on split teams. acting like we’re just partying it up and being lazy on purpose. she’s ranted to me about how she thinks Tricia stays late intentionally to get more hours because there’s nothing to do after close. I wouldn’t know if that’s true but it’s annoying as hell that she just makes shit up in her head and gets herself all worked up about it.

surgery paperwork is a morning thing too. nobody told us it hadn’t been done. yes, we should have checked, and that’s our mistake. but Alexa has dropped the ball in the morning and I’ve texted her after close like “did the paperwork get done?” and she’s been like “oh shit sorry no” and I fucking take care of it without complaining because that’s my job. I get it. people forget things. lord knows I do. there was one day the doctors got really annoyed at me because sending out negative fecal test results is a reception job and none of the result emails got sent. I wasn’t there that morning and labs are a morning thing, so I didn’t know why they hadn’t gotten sent. I looked into it, none of the fecal labs had downloaded to the computer system, so it looked like they hadn’t come in yet. but the doctors showed me the actual lab website, which had the results. that had in fact come in. Alexa should know to check that, she has the login information printed out and on the front desk and she’s also been a vet receptionist for 8 years and should know about the lab site, but it didn’t happen. so I had to stay late and go through all the fecal results that had come back and send out the emails. I didn’t even know that that had happened because, again, morning thing, not my job as a closer, but I took care of it anyway because my job IS to pick up where my coworkers drop the ball. I didn’t get annoyed (at least not THAT annoyed) and I didn’t point fingers or act like anyone was being lazy. because that’s my fucking job.

so I didn’t much appreciate this morning being made to feel like we were just being lazy and like we didn’t just genuinely forget to do the drop off paperwork. we know how stressful the head vet’s surgery days are (which, of course that would be today). she always has 3-5 procedures and today there were 4 and two drop offs for ultrasounds. we didn’t just not do the paperwork to spite the morning staff. I wouldn’t do that to anyone intentionally. but they sure are fucking acting like it.

the head vet told me something back in April when she and Tricia pulled me in for that meeting that really stuck with me: assume best intentions. assume competence. she told me that the other reception team had gotten really annoyed with us one thursday when they came in after we’d had our last day and there was a whole pile of faxes that needed to be sent, and they were mad that we just left it for them. we hadn’t. the doctors just didn’t put those up there until after we left. and that changed my attitude considerably. I had been getting annoyed at the other team for doing similar things. but I tried to remind myself that they were probably doing their best too and everyone drops the ball sometimes. the head vet brought that up at our last staff meeting too and I wish those two had thought about it more. they just prefer to point fingers I guess.

I’m just annoyed. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling shunned by people when I don’t even know what I did. literally all the girls in high school acted like that towards me. they wouldn’t give me the time of day if they didn’t have to. I don’t know what Alexa has in her head about me now but I’m sure whatever it is is wrong. and I’m sick of thinking about it. I shouldn’t even give her the real estate in my brain. I should focus on the people that do like me instead of searching for reasons why others don’t. I don’t know what she likes so much about that new girl but I don’t really care either. they can go off and be cliquey and I’ll just keep actually trying to be nice and understanding towards everyone.

it’s funny too because I have a feeling Alexa is annoyed about me posting about my fatigue on instagram stories, thinking I don’t have it as bad as she does because she has MS. I didn’t lose sight in one eye temporarily and I don’t have brain lesions and I don’t have a ton of meds I have to be on and I don’t get the MS hug or painsomnia or whatever else, so obviously I shouldn’t complain. but she complains all the fucking time. half her instagram stories are her complaining about being in pain and not being able to sleep, you know, the same thing I also have issues with. 50% of what she posts is MS related and the other 50% is about how much she misses california. maybe I just don’t have it as bad in her eyes because my illness isn’t my entire personality. I try not to complain about it and I try to push myself to my own detriment because I have a job and that job entails being a functioning cog in a whole machine.

I don’t know. I think I’m going to take a week off next month with my PTO. just catch up with myself. I haven’t had an actual break since I started this fucking job. I’ve been lucky with a few 3 day weekends but that’s it. we get one day off for holidays. the actual holiday. I’m a little nervous to ask for a whole week but fuck it. I’ve been at the clinic for 14 months now and haven’t asked for any time off for anything that wasn’t medical-related. I deserve a fucking week.

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘

[peekiesblog]

Happy New Year 2018—A  Love Letter to 2017, With Love <3

“The Worst and Best Year of My Life”

This is just a normal reflection/rant about Year 2017--it’s not at all bad towards anything or anybody so relax. Also doing this yearly is very therapeutic.

Warning: If you don’t want to hear other opinions about 2017 then stop reading. Have a nice day and Happy New Year. ;D

Another warning: This is a general observation. We’re not shading anyone. If you think so then that’s all on you. ;)

PS: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. CREDITS TO OWNERS.

Last warning: I will be tackling VERY sensitive subjects so if you can’t handle those then stop reading because it’s very sensitive. Also I am not in a dark place—this is just how I think back on 2017. :)

               My now annual year-end annoying rant about how the year was; take note this is just ‘our’ viewpoint not the general public. As a little crab in a big ocean of anything but shy—I’ll be “honest”(Waste. People see what they want to see.) and even have a say on sensitive trends this year. Bear in mind that I have Shane Dawson’s voice in my head while writing this. HashtagNotSpons.

               Coming into 2017—we’ve been more open to the idea of having depression and anxiety,adhd and even ocd and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is coincidental that it’s becoming a “trend” or news started to shed light about mental illnesses at the beginning of the year. I shouldn’t even call myself as someone with “depression” because I definitely did had a very dark phase somewhere in the summer but when life started to kick-in again—I didn’t wake-up feeling sad for no apparent reason, or just feeling useless and numb every morning(was that depression? I don’t really know). But since it has finally been talked about—believe me even I shrugged away the ‘mental illnesses’ articles I used to scroll down to just because I’ve never been in a phase similar to what that felt like or just not open to admitting I have. People talk about depression A LOT and they don’t even know a single ounce of what it is—it is ignorance of just BS but that’s alright I guess? At least it is being talked about with the “Keep Going” movement or all the support and all that.

Also to the hoes(again Shane’s voice talking) who thinks it’s ‘easy’ to turn-off depression just like that? Then why wouldn’t they have done that? You think musicians or comedians wanted to have depression all their lives?—nope.

               I never wanted to make an essay about this because issues like this is deemed taboo and society here doesn’t really take it seriously and they look at you differently like you’re not “normal”(What really is normal?). So people who are suffering from depression, or anxiety, adhd, ocd or any other mental issues; I want you to know that it’s okay to be different, yes it’s hard and makes life more challenging and all that but you all don’t owe society anything other than kindness. You don’t owe them to turn-off your depression just cuz they want you to. And let’s be real—I’m quiet, shy, and very weird(sry just me) so bullying has definitely happened to me; yes embarrassed to admit that when I was younger but 2017 has been very eye-opening. So bullying is a norm—it happens everywhere at any time. I personally don’t think ’13 Reasons Why’(I haven’t watched it sry) as impactful as it is won’t fully make bullying disappear or anything in protest of bullying would but at least it is being talked about and acknowledged and you only hope for the best. I brought-up bullying because as much as how I was bullied growing-up—I NEVER(take note) thought of suicide because as much as how I was that kid who kind of hated life and felt no self-love AT ALL…I always deep down loved my life and wanted to succeed and build something with myself and maybe change the world someday. But I DO understand people who are so stuck in a dark phase that they can’t get-out of and feel the only answer is suicide—it’s not that hard to imagine why they would ultimately come to that conclusion. And I understand people who say that people who commit suicide are ‘selfish’ because they are leaving behind people who love them and a world for them but also I understand why they would snap(It’s a cruel world out there). This isn’t a letter to people who are in a dark place because this would be a HORRIBLE letter to them but just an observation of how majority of society sees things that are happening. But I do want people in a dark place right now to know that as cheesy as it sounds—It really does get better. Believe me it does. I’m rooting for you all and you’re all loved. :)

               Now let’s talk about Hollywood—I’m just a dumb 20 year old girl and have no say in the world in any matter but THIS year it was a lot to take-in. The continued Hollywood name-drops and MeToo movement was so overwhelming as the second-half of 2017 tackles more suppression and hurt. I’m just very fascinated by Hollywood—and no I’m not talking about the TV shows or Movies but the actual Hollywood that’s had so many conspiracy theories and all that sheyt(I am slowly becoming more open to this fascination bcuz Shane Dawson is Kween). They always say sex and money go together and I did always visualized Hollywood as a kinda gross place because it is all rooted in power. Now tbh I never knew who HW was before all this sheyt but hoe I surely know him now—and this flood-gated to all these name-drops every-single day and we’re all SHOOKT(well some aren’t) but either ways it had to take someone to speak-out to FINALLY have this issue talked about which is apparently just a normal thing. Now sexual harassment; I don’t know why I’m talking about this and I definitely don’t know how those people feel…just to be clear. But you can’t talk about 2017 without talking about this—and honestly how can you NOT talk about it? I’ve read few articles and all but not the full details so I’m still blurred with all of it but I will say that my biased self was VERY affected by the ‘Kevin Spacey’ one because let me tell you that “American Beauty” is and still is my most beloved movie of my whole existence. Funny story when I was young we bought a local disc filled with random movies—now we thought we clicked on “American Pie”(don’t judge me with your Fifty Shades of Grey minds) but we ended-up sitting there watching “American Beauty” on a random rainy afternoon and I was dumb and I didn’t care about films back then but THAT exact day changed the way we see everything—it was the day I fell in love with filmmaking and ultimately my TV Show obsession started(How can you judge me but not the kdrama ppl? I never judge them?). I love films(GREAT ones) and TV shows that makes you fall in love to the point of binging the whole series in about a few days. It’s this passion for this art that makes us forget about our anxiety and serves as an escape from reality for a while. But going back to the Kevin Spacey allegations—I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting a little bit but he did handled it poorly and as an actor I still honestly do love him…as a human being maybe not so much anymore but oh wells. And I recently just watched Dustin Hoffman being grilled by John Oliver and it was amazing—this issue makes me so conflicted on SO MANY aspects. I understand that most of them happened decades ago but I also understand how these women/or men feel when those they alleged doesn’t acknowledge it happened—I get the anger and frustration and need to feel empowered. Also the “people who knew”—this one conflicts me the most. Now I won’t say that saying something is big act of bravery but I will say that not saying anything is a great act of cowardice. I don’t think that shunning them away from the rest of the world is the way to go though and also as much as how most of them are men—I do not at all support hate on men in general. Because they can be a bunch of sexist hoes but there are good men out there. This issue makes me overthink so many aspects of every situation and that’s why this is all over the place because there’s too much to say really. So I’ll just say that I live very far away from Hollywood but this break in silence and movement has personally made me love myself a little bit more. I don’t know what the connection of this to my journey of self-love but for some unearthly reason—we ended-up loving our self by the end of 2017. I love them, I’m happy for them and I support them. I never think we’ll fully achieve that “perfect” society; it’s impossible but we are moving forward and that’s what’s important. Hollywood should clean up a bit for a while. I truly believe this shifted society and made people think—so Keep Moving Forward Kweens. <3

               *Also “Ally McBeal” would have had one hell of a ‘MeToo” episode but then I realized they already did. (Season 2, Episode 12 “Love Unlimited”. YOU’RE WELCOME).

               Also I forgot to mention they still have an orange for President. Very consistent BS literally every single day on my timeline—Yea…orange should be imPEACH(get it? LOL I’ll stop).

               And not to mention that I’m very late on this fandom but watching Youtubers this year definitely change my life. Too many on the list to name but honestly I’m very thankful I randomly clicked on one video one day and opened-up a whole world for me. :D <3

              I wanted to tackle so many things but I just realized that it would take A LOT of time to even process everything that has happened this year. I wanted to tackle every episode of Black Mirror S4 and how much it’s connected to reality but that would take-up a whole book so nope. I believe that Charlie Brooker said that 2016 was like a long episode of Black Mirror but 2017 definitely takes that title now. I will say that people online are .0000000001% of who they truly are. Human beings is a very complex species that would take a lifetime to decipher. That’s all.

               As I write this I didn’t realize how long-a*s it was gonna be but then again A LOT happened in 2017—honestly the worst and best year of my life. It started off very dark and feeling lost and useless but slowly believe me it got better—for someone like me who always wanted everyone to like me even though honestly they could give a rat’s a*s about you…well young dumb me realized to f*ck that and give myself self-love finally after 20 years. I still overthink some things and I have gotten into public breakdown this year—NEVER thought that would ever happen but hear me out; a man who you don’t even know being a sexist chauvinistic waste of a person exposing all his power and D*ckhood everytime you come by DESERVES a little shouting back in his life. Dear man, I don’t hate you but you did need a little ultimatum even once in your life—I wanted to grow from that and I wish you will too. Anyways ultimately the biggest learning from this year is growth, development and self-love(this feels amazing I promise you). I still got flaws and I will always have flaws—I have failed so many times in my life and a biggest lie is to say I won’t fail again but you do good and you be better in the process. Don’t be afraid to be imperfect. I also want to thank my patient family for putting-up with me—they are everything to me plus our dog makes me instantly happy to be alive.

               I’m very preachy but last message to humanity—continue to evolve where people don’t have to “come-out” anymore because it’s 2017(or 2018?) it shouldn’t be an issue anymore right? Plus people from the LGBTQ+ are like any one of us—and if your argument is because you’re “Catholic” then your reason is invalid and ignorance. The color of your pigment shouldn’t matter. Having no make-up shouldn’t matter. Being a plus size shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. Being different is beautiful. And having a different outlook on life shouldn’t be deemed indifferent. LoveWins. Always.

And with…thank you 2017. Cheers 2018! <3

Happy New Year y’all!!!

My quote every New Year’s Eve:

“If you think back, and replay your year - if it doesn’t bring you tears of joy or sadness, consider the year wasted.”–by Biscuit <3

And Don’t You Forget. That Life is Beautiful.

*inserts VERY random things that makes me happy and think Life is Beautiful*

*inserts every episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.*

*inserts every taste test, Kween Trisha Paytas’ Mukbangs, and worthy gaming videos*

and this.....

Happy New Year, I love and miss you Granny :’)

Love,