#fuck if i know. hell i might delete this post out of anxiety

[prismatoxic]

i know "follows me" is not a perfect metric for "someone who can be normal about ~problematic~ fiction" because some people just cannot fucking read and will ignore all the flashing neon signs i've put up, but when there's literally nothing else to go on it's all i really have to decide if i want to engage with someone or not

[br0kens0ngbirds]

Tw // programming

Hold on I kinda want to know this and it might confirm my fears- but I need to know.

Can a silence program be over online too-? I'm bad at wording but. For example, we have so much to say. We want to say a lot and tell people. We've used this blog and another that we no longer have access to document. However, we delete so much. We'll type out a whole thing, and then a lot of the time we stare at it, dissociate like hell, get scared, and then delete it. And sometimes we will be stuck in a loop where it's literally the same paragraph retyped and then deleted because it's like our brain wants us to post it but then we dissociate the fuck off and get really scared and suddenly we physically can't. And I'd understand if it was like graphic stuff yknow, but it's not even really bad shit- it's things we are okay sharing but we physically just. Can't. The loops are so annoying. Does anyone else relate maybe??? This might also just be anxiety and I could totally be overthinking all of this.

To add on:

It changes too. Sometimes we can share certain things and it's fine? And then other times that exact same thing is a big no no and we get terrified and disoriented

[samwiselastname]

hey this is a weirdly personal post about what I'm writing and also processing childhood trauma - with a big blanket trigger warning - and I might delete it later!

I'm kind of nervous about making it explicit that this character had a notable traumagenic adverse childhood experience. like I know what audiences are going to assume if I drop (Nonspecific Entirely Repressed Early Memory) into this character soup. but I'm having trouble articulating why? It's not like "oh people will assume it's That Theme" or "people will find it fetishistic"

explicitly, the specifics of this trauma do not matter. it is formative, it is damaging, and the shape of it is irrelevant in a society with such deeply fucked ideas about autonomy it has just bled out into everything else - self-worth, pleasure, security

the ambiguity is a cop-out for me in some ways! I have cycled through a few different ideas for What This Guy's Deal Is! I have not been able to decide. the longer I've worked on this, the more certain I've become that this is important, and the reveal is really, think, essential to the core message. it's! not That though!

maybe a reason I can articulate is I am a little mortified to be playing this trick in this narrative at all. you hand me a lineup of the main characters in this story and ask me which I could use in a narrative about childhood sexual abuse, and I would say, "I would simply not use the cast of ffxiv endwalker for this purpose, I think." ...or. well. (gestures at pandaemonium and winces. that's a fair reading, I guess, you gotta come at it sideways but they are the gothic family drama raids)

so I'm between a rock and a hard place of like, define this event and lose the weight I want, or leave it undefined and run the risk of making this dark in ways I Do Not want to touch

and I think more generally this is something I'm familiar with from my own life. there are kinds of trauma that are reasonably ego-shattering, and then there's just Defective Character that blows up the normal shit everyone goes through. why do I feel like shit all the time, maybe the echoes of Satanic Panic Memory Recovery Therapy hold the answer. this is surely not a moral OCD thing. is your trauma like, justified tho? was it really bad or were you just a baby serial killer?

ah there we go. put too much of myself in this one and I know people will read it wrong!

and that's kind of it, there is a logic to conservatism and fascism that traumagenic experiences are the natural state of the world and people who can't hack it are inferior, and that is THE core psychology of this character which he is utterly unable to change, and he will not stop imposing that worldview on others because it is how he can regain a sense of safety and worth. this is raw and it sucks and how did we end up here. why. only way out is through? hell of a route though.

hey (puts my head in my hands and bats my eyelashes) have you guessed who this character is yet. maybe you see why I'm mortified to be tackling this very deep and personal anxiety through this pov specifically. here comes a special boy

[suugrbunz]

you’re developing feelings for someone?? Tell more, tell more (if you’re okay posting some about it)!! I’m so interested in attraction psychology.. 😁

oh boy am I a case to study when it comes to attraction, this might be long.

Tw: Short mention of SA (not in depth, just the word itself)

ah where do I start— I'm practically anti-falling in love. The last two times I did, I was ghosted. So I don't want to fall in love out of that fear.

I think one trait that's been present everytime i have developed feelings for someone is whenever they text me I panic and turn my phone off until I think of a response. I do have some social anxiety that can become controling of these situations. One time, a guy called me and I had just deleted his number from my phone. Believing he wouldn't text or call me. I watched my phone ring, yelling at my friend that he was calling. She then sent me an excuse to text him and then call back... That's one of my funniest stories. oh he ghosted me.

I'm about to just start purging my brain's every though here we go.

He's not Jewish. No one would mind in my family. However, he is pagan which I think is where my parents may begin to mind. I don't, he's so lovely. Plus, my parents told me not to let them control me. I'm really lucky to have parents like them... Oh, I expressed my lack of judgement towards people immediately as he's experienced lots of unnecessary hate for his religious beliefs. Someone told him he should be killed for his pagan beliefs. Which... What the fuck?

I propose to the court; Why would I, a Jewish individual, express the same oppressive words that's been used against my people for centuries? I wouldn't. I think he groups Christianity and Judaism as being quite similar but the two religions are very different. If it was similar then an eight year old girl wouldn't have said I'll be in hell for not believing in Jesus. Big ew on the clear indoctrination of a child.

Frankly, I don't care what you are in terms of religion. As plainly stated to him, I believe religion is personal and it shouldn't matter what you are. As long as you are a good person, why would I care?Plus, I am not that religious. I used to be but, again, as stated to him, I felt alienated after a controversy within the community. Which connects to my experience of attraction. I was sa'd when I was eleven. People shamed victims/survivors of the crime for opening about their stories. Now you may ask, why? Rabbis were committing these crimes and people can't stand the thought of someone we paint as a saint actually being a terrible person that isn't free of sin. Idiots.

I did explain the community's controversy in full to him because he asked why I felt alienated.

He's complimented me a few times on my appearance but I cannot reciprocate the feeling. I had to explain that I don't feel physical attraction to anyone. I will compliment a personality rather than appearance if I am romantically interested. Which that ... Second sentence was not expressed.

I noticed when I am falling in love I begin to act more positively. My friend commented on the fact I am acting sweet & affectionate. Which as someone else who studies some attraction psychology, made me realise what was happening. I have a habit of not realising I'm actually developing feelings until some says something that flips the switch.

A strange flaw I have noticed of myself and I think it's out of trying to protect myself is that I fall in and out of love with the same person a few times. I'll convince myself they won't...love me. Then they show interest and I'm suddenly red in the face, remembering their actions and words are a better representative of their emotions than my thoughts. I remember when I liked this one guy, prior to this one, I had a moment of knowing it wouldn't work out. I remember crying to myself as I realised I don't speak nearly enough for people to actually love me. Was listening to mitski as well, great artist to play whilst crying.

My low self-esteem really strains my ability to connect to people. Oftentimes, I convince myself no one even likes me. Which happens off and on with this current guy and all my friends. Sometimes, I find people that are understanding of the issue (and don't baby me due to it).

Oh, he he's formed the habit of texting me good morning when he wakes up. This morning as I woke up, I was thinking about that. I turned my phone on and saw the notification from him and ... It causes such warm feeling inside... He and I talked about birds, nature, and other things. I have three birds that I adore. And here's my weird thing, I collect their feathers. I have a bag of feathers. Which I told him. He responded that he's been wanting to collect feathers as well but from wild birds lmao

Oh, I have the habit thinking of the person I have a crush on at random moments and becoming really smiley. This is a repetitive habit. Has happened with others.

[overanalyst556]

Announcement!

Hello, I wasn't expecting to make this today. I was originally going to do this tomorrow but due to some issues, I have instead decided to do this today.

As for those of you that have not seen the posts, I have been considering leaving Tumblr due to the chaos that was happening in the community. But while I have come to a decision, I guess I Should explain the reasons why 'm doing this.

First is my content. Now I understand that people are busy right now and that's fine, I'm not forcing you to like my content, But I just wish someone would give it a shot and check my essay on which I spend hours on it. The first History related thing I ever did, The Black Death essay got 9 notes while the Korean War essay only has 1.

While I mainly do the blog because history is my passion, It sucks to hear that people almost, if not pay attention to what I do. But that's the least of my problems, Although still a big one.

The second and possibly main reason is the Tumblronpa fiasco. Now, I haven't been here long enough to see how Tumblronpa works, But I have been told of it, Hell I made an oc. But after the drama that went down about that the last few days, I'm genuinely staying away from that now.

I don't know when this drama started, But I think it started when the mod for a Tumblronpa by the name of Dash started getting anon hate from a different source ( the person of which has never been found)

Now I bring Dash up because that might have been the start for me to think about the risks of being on a Tumblronpa, though not enough for me to quit. But things get stranger when another content creator by the name of Mentally Eli disappeared for a while ( She has since returned)

After this, I was starting to get a little nervous not gonna lie, but It still wasn't-enough. But then come the Aliza -chan situation and that's where my hope was shattered. Aliza almost died not once, but twice because of anon hate. It got so bad that she had to leave Tumblr, which was a smart move from Aliza not gonna lie.

But still, that situation and the fact that one of my friends and mutuals tried to off themselves because of anon hate, pretty much shattered my hope of ever being on a tumblronpa. I was fucking terrified.

If you don't know, I'm terrible with anxiety and stress since I was little. Often times I wonder why I exist if I just have no purpose. Keep in mind, I'm a teenager and this whole suicide situation scared the shit out of me.

And really It was the Situation with Aliza- chan as well as Mama Lexi( Although Lexi's was something entirely different from that and had nothing to do with Tumblronpa's or anon hate, Still I highly recommend that you don't disturb her now cause she's not in the best mood) That finally pressured me to make this post and have my overall thoughts on it.

I'm not in the best mood right now and the situations that have been going on have been increasing my stress levels up the roof and my fears of Tumblronpa hate altogether.

But let's get to the big question: Am I leaving Tumblr? Yes and No. Let me explain.

While yes, I said I thought about leaving Tumblr, I'm not willing to delete my blog because of the friends I made on this site as well as the fact that history is my passion. But I won't lie when I say that I Need some time off from this to calm down.

Starting tomorrow, I will be on a break from Tumblr. The ask box is still open, So feel free to send stuff there ( Though I highly doubt you will) and I will be sure to answer them When I come back.

My discord is still open as well, Though don't expect me to answer often on it. I will still answer If I have the time.

As for Tumblronpas? I'm done with it. I refuse to participate in one after what happened, and as well as my mental state not being the best right now, I don't think I can handle the death threats that come my way.

If this means I'm dropping out of Eden's Garden and Lumnieres roleplay blogs, then Yes, I Unfortualney have to drop out. Also, the picrew that I made Samuel in is no longer there, so I can't do any more sprites with him sorry.

But still, I'm staying the hell away from Tumblronpas in general now. If you want to ask me to join a Tumblronpa, I'm sorry, But I will have to decline. No Tumblronpas, No roleplay, I'm done.

Overall, I think that's my reasons for taking a break from Tumblr. I wasn't expecting to make it today, but I guess so. This year has not been kind to me, with some issues going on at home as well as some finals I have to finish up, Plus the fact that people don't care for my content and the whole Tumblronpa situation has broken my mental state.

Let's be honest, No one is going to care about this post or won't even see it. Honestly, I get so used to being discarded and ignored, That I just don't care anymore. No one cares and that is that, I just wanted to get my thoughts off my mind.

So, yeah I will be taking a break, I don't know when I will come back, but Maybe when I get my shit together. I hope you guys have a nice day and this is goodbye for now...

[jetravenex]

I don’t know why I fear getting COVID or dying anymore

I live in fear, and living sucks because everything is awful.

I don’t want to actually die, I just wish I’d stop fearing it and getting anxiety over it because I’m living in the worst timeline already

[evacado3]

I'm sorry I accidently deleted it but this was the request!

Lovelorn

Word count: 675

The cell rattled as you were thrown back in by the guards, desperately chasing for the air that was knocked out of your lungs.

You laughed in amusement while panting sharply, running your fingers through the knotty hair that hasn't been washed for days. You hugged yourself and grinned when that man appeared again. Right in front of your lonely chamber, he mocked

"Had fun?"

"Hell yeah, shit this hurts like fuck though. Yujin give me those pills already."

"I thought you liked the pain y/n, isn’t that why the renowned assassin sold herself to Workers?"

"Shut up! As if you know shit. Damn that guy was strong, where's he from again?"

He threw you a black container of tiny tablets, without thinking you gulped in five, after all, pain isn't something even you could ignore. "He's from Gangseo I recall, don't eat them all at once."

"Uh, it is just me or it's kinda blurry in here?"

"Then the pills are kicking in nicely, rest well my love."

"Heyyyy you said there are no after-effects. Yujin you-" the place spun as your vision blacked out, and with a thud you hit the floor. You could slightly make out a shadow crouching, an arm reaching through the bars. Then a warm hand caressed your cheek, and lifted your chin towards him.

Yujin smiled warmly, "What a pretty thing, for a psycho. If you weren't such a masochist and had more brains, you could've gotten far. It's okay though, I'll keep you here forever, right in this dungeon."

"But I know what you're planning. Don't you underestimate me princess, I can always track you down. Remember, I'm the only one who is willing to love you even at this state."

His threats went unheard as your brain shut down, the only feeling left was the heated hand withdrawing from your face, leaving you wanting for more.

-----

Cold sweat trailed down your forehead to your neck, nightmares have been reappearing in your dreams lately.

You breathed in and out trying to compose yourself, after that horrid experience you've started to have anxiety attacks, making you unable to continue your old career.

It’s was nearly a two years ago, but you haven’t felt much adrenaline after escaping that hell hole. Maybe, just maybe you would like to feel it again, but pain is a drug. The effects that has imprinted on you is more than enough stop this behavior.

And you got pretty stable this year, getting a small apartment was already a great achievement on its own. Not to mention the easy job you have now as a waitress.

"Y/n! It's your shift, come out." your friend shouted from outside, remind me how you slept in the backroom again?

"Y-yeah, hold on!" you scrambled up and grabbed your apron, rushing out to the counter.

"Hello there, what can I get you?" the man looked down on you, what is he staring at? He has got to be at least two meters tall, with a colorful-looking tie and matching pants.

The uniform looked awfully familiar to your conviction, though you couldn't exactly recall where it's from.

"Can I get a small americano please, thank you." he smiled as he recognizes you. You nodded and signaled him to the waiting area. Goosebumps rose when you felt a pair of eyes from afar, you immediately turn to that man, but he was only checking his phone.

You shivered from the unpleasant feeling, not realizing the limbo outside hid the real culprit.

Yujin stared, those lovesick eyes might fool anyone, but they don't hold any good intentions. "That's the girl you were hellbent on retrieving?" Samuel questioned, he knew he wasn't supposed to meddle between this, but you seemed so ordinary he finds it hard to digest.

"It's her, it’s my princess." Yujin didn't turn back from the window, attention locked on your frowning face whose still trying to find his prickling eyes. 'I missed you so much I thought I was insane'

"I could reclaim you with a click of my fingers now love, you can't run away no more." ====================

The fic is not too long cause there’s another Yujin one(including nsfw hcs) coming out soooo enjoy this for now haha. I do have more ideas for this but I wanted to post something before studying my ass off. Hopefully this fic doesn’t sound too rushed

And I’m having severe problems on trying to name these fics (lovelorn is just another word for lovesick)

[xpeachesncream]

bands | sixteen

[ series masterlist ]

summary: jeon jungkook has it all: the looks, the fame, the money, the women. being considered the sexiest man in the industry, he finds no complaints about the way his life is going nor does he find any reason to apologize for the way he approaches it. he is a force to be reckoned with - until he meets you.

pairing: stripper!reader x idol!jjk

genre: (18+) strip club/nightlife au, post grad au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 5.0k

warnings: cussing, mature language/implied sexual content, angst, anxiety, alcohol consumption, slight intoxication, physical abuse, slight verbal abuse, belittling, mentions of cuts/wounds but nothing too graphic, mentions of coke

tags: @brightcolorsoffendme @min-nicoleee @eggbutnotyolk @ra-mun-e @miinoongi @jimidol @ppeachyttae @thebeebi @bluesharksandfish @kooafraid @liriaus @thisartemisnevermisses @ggukkieland @preciouschimine @sunniejinnie @cypheruby @cyb3rbab3 @masterlists101 @awhnamjoon @redhedhoseok @wooya1224 @taeismydeath​ @jikookiekosmos​ @un2-verse​ @aynsx​ @wearenot7withu​ @knjeuphoria​ @bringitseijoh​ (closed!)

Jungkook laid on the dorm couch, legs sprawled out as he wore his hood and covered his face as much as possible. He shut his eyes, trying to make sense of the cryptic texts you had sent him.

"We shouldn't do this anymore."

"I can't do this, Jungkook."

"You don't deserve this."

"I'm only trouble."

"We aren't going to work."

He repeatedly called you, asking for an explanation, a way to help make things better because none of this should have been the reason for you to want to call it 'quits' like that. He asked for you to talk to him. He'd call and after two rings, it'd bring him straight to voicemail. It never failed. Indeed, there was much more to the text but he only fixated on a few lines, and those few lines seem to be circling his head time and time again with no sign of leaving him alone.

"I think I'm falling in too deep and I need to stop this while I can. You hear them, you hear the shit they say. I would never let them ruin you, I don't want them to. You deserve better. Maybe it's true that I don't fit into this."

It frustrates him, every single time. Where the hell did he go wrong? Why was there a sudden change? Something was off, and god forbid if his assumptions were right. But, everything was leading right back to it. The way you called in sick, the way you shut everyone out. The way you texted him these things, wouldn't pick up his calls just to tell him you're busy or whatever the hell it was. It didn't sound like you. It didn't seem like you at all.

All things led right back to the club. To Bigs. Where you felt high and mighty. Wanted. Like no one could ever hurt you the way they did outside of the club because they worshipped you in there. They knelt down to you. The way you were so fucking tough there. He knew this is where you would fall back if things got rough. He couldn't help but think that you had been forced into it though, because he knew you didn't give a shit about that anymore. Ah well, forced or not, it just felt so off. Unusual.

"Hey." Namjoon sits on the floor near Jungkook's head. "You good?" He asks even though he's fully aware he's not. Joon hates those people who ask if something's wrong when clearly, something is wrong — however, he wasn't really sure how else to open up this conversation without coming off too pushy or forward. Too insensitive, even.

"Nope."

"What's going on?" Jungkook sighs as he tries to lower his hood even more, although there's no more of his hood to lower. He keeps his hand on his face, trying his hardest to keep himself together.

"I don't know." Now, going back to earlier — everyone can tell Jungkook isn't happy. They've tried to butter him up and make him feel better even though they knew you were the only person who could truly make him happy again. They've tried to talk to him in one way or another, but they never forced him if he didn't want to. The only person that really hasn't said much was Jimin, and that also pisses him off because if he had anything to do with this, he will surely fuck him up for ruining his happiness.

"You hear from Y/N? She still sick? Does she need anything?"

"She's not sick."

"Hm?" Joon slightly turns back, confused.

"Something else is wrong."

"Like what?"

"She's not picking up my calls. Not answering my texts the way she normally does. When she does, it's super blunt or one worded."

"Maybe she's really not feeling well, or just caught up with things—"

"No, hyung. I know her, she always has her priorities straight. Even if she was sick, she wouldn't do this. She wouldn't go as far as to shutting her own brother out."

"Idol life too overwhelming? I get it." Jimin jokes as he walks into the kitchen, making Jungkook shoot his head up to glare at him.

"The fuck, can you not? I don't see why you feel the need to joke around right now."

"Jeez, sorry. I just thought I'd lighten up the mood somehow."

"Come on, dude." Namjoon looks at him with disappointment, Jimin only returning the gesture by rolling his eyes and walking away. "How can I help you?" Joon asks, returning his attention back to Jungkook.

"Maybe I was being selfish bringing her into all of this. These people— they're fucking mean, and she's already had her fair share of dealing with mean people. How am I supposed to protect her all while not feeling selfish about it?"

"You're not selfish, who told you that?"

"Jimin." That's like strike.. whatever to Namjoon at this point. Why the hell was Jimin being so fucking weird?

"Look, I know it's not easy in this industry. But I think what you can do is prove to her that you won't hurt her, especially with everyone around her doing nothing but hurting her. You need to show her that you're different from the rest of them, that she can fully trust you. If I were in her shoes, to be honest, it would be scary for me. You got a whole lot of shit going on in your life. You're expected to provide a lot, and on top of that, you haven't had the best reputation with women."

"Yeah, I hear you."

"Then, nothing else matters. You keep fighting for her if she really matters to you. Does she?"

"Of course she does, I mean, can't you tell? I've never been this way over someone." Joon nods.

"You sure as fuck haven't. It still catches me and the guys by surprise. But, I'm happy to see someone helping you become a better person. She's been nothing but genuinely sweet, and I know she already does a hell of a job taking care of you."

"She's— I don't know. She's become so important to me."

"I know she has, and I'm happy to hear that. I really am." Joon sighs. "So tell me, what can I do? I hate seeing you like this."

"Well, I'm sure as hell not allowed at the club. Bigs will do anything to get back at me for what I did to him. He won't hesitate."

"I won't let him. We won't. You really think she went back?" Jungkook nods.

"Positive. Something doesn't feel right. It feels weird. And I feel like she was egged into this. I don't like it one bit."

"Want me to go check out the club tonight?"

"Yeah, please?" Jungkook says. "But don't be too obvious. Bring Jin hyung or someone who could use a lap dance or two."

"Sooo Jin hyung?" They chuckle.

"Yeah, exactly."

"And if she's there?"

"Then I'm going straight to her tomorrow night. I just need to make sure I do this right because I don't want her or Kai to get hurt. I'll stay out there if I have to just to make sure she doesn't go back. What else do I have to do—" Jungkook pauses to stop himself because this clearly wasn't you. He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Who the fuck made her do this?"

"Bigs, who else?"

"No, she wouldn't listen to just Bigs. He's definitely working with someone and using shit against her."

"Okay, let's just not assume the worst. I'll head there tonight and drag Jin hyung with me."

"Thanks hyung, I really appreciate it."

"No problem." Joon gently massages his shoulder before getting up from his spot to make his way back to his room.

All Jungkook can think about doing is sleeping more right now. He'll send the occasional text to check on Kai and see how he was doing, but they both worried too much about you and Jungkook would hate to tell him that you ended up going back to the club. He didn't think he would tell him, he didn't think he'd have to because he was gonna make sure to get you out of there before shit hit the roof again. If it hasn't already, and he's hoping it hasn't.

And so when Namjoon and Jin hyung [obviously in need of that lap dance or two] head out to the club, Jungkook stays in his dorm room, suddenly feeling the adrenaline rushing through his body even though he can't do shit besides sit here and wait. He goes through the random pictures he's taken of you - the cute, candid photos he had of you, the cute candid photo of you as his lock screen. He deletes all the texts in his inbox even though he knows it might have been a little late. It honestly hasn't mattered to him in such a long time, but he just never got around to wiping his inbox clean since he was so caught up with you - his baby.

"Is this going to turn into some kind of action movie? We bust through the doors, take down all the guards and steal Y/N?"

"No, hyung. Jesus. Do you forget you're an idol? That's probably the very last thing we should do."

"So, what do we do?"

"We just walk in there like we normally do?"

"Boring."

"Plus, we can't have Bigs onto us like that. We have to act like we don't know anything."

"Do you really think he's using something against her?"

"I don't know. I have to be honest though, I think Jimin's involved."

"W-what?" Jin says, furrowing his brows. "No, he can't be."

"Trust me. He always acts so weird around her, and he's probably the one person who hasn't taken this as seriously. He hasn't said anything to Jungkook."

"But why though?"

"I don't know, beats me. I just don't think he respects her. Or, likes her. Whatever it is."

"She hasn't done anything to him though."

"That makes it worse, doesn't it?"

"How could you be so sure?"

"Look hyung, I'm not. I just think he's involved. My gut says so. We'll find out whether I'm right or not, right?"

"I hope you aren't. That'll really mess Kookie up."

"Well. I love him, but he'll have to learn the hard way for butting into someone else's business like that. No matter what the reason is." Namjoon parks the car and fixes his rolled up sleeves before adjusting the Rolex on his wrist. He looks at Jin once more, nodding in approval once they both feel like they've fixed themselves enough to look presentable, not questionable.

Meanwhile, you had just finished up your time on stage so you headed to the back to take a break. Bigs hadn't given you the option to secure private bookings knowing damn well there would be opportunity for Jungkook and some of his boys to slip through and try to work their magic in private. As much as possible, you were just trying to protect Jungkook, even though you knew he wouldn't back down without a fight. You knew Bigs wasn't all that tough, but right now, he seemed to hold a lot of power with Jimin being on his team. And you knew damn well it was Jimin all along. Did you have concrete evidence? No. But your gut feeling might as well be enough with the way he talks to you. Why else would Bigs all of a sudden feel all mighty? Bigs had threatened Jungkook and your brother enough to keep your mouth shut. Enough to keep your attitude level at a 0.

The scene played in your head over and over again—

"I gave you a better life, you ungrateful piece of shit. You do as I say and your little Jungkook and your little Kai won't get hurt. You think I'm scared of them, sweetie? You think I'm scared of you? Your stepfather don't give a damn about you two. I can easily send my men down to do their magic, especially after how Jungkook treated me. Is that how he repays me after all the special treatment I've given him?" Mr. Bigs hunched over you. "You two wanna play me like a fool, I'll show you two what it's like to be played like a fool." He pulled on your hair before aggressively releasing and spitting to the side.

There was no way they would get dragged into this. Not anymore. They didn't deserve to be included in this no matter what it was.

Boy, did you miss Jungkook. Everything about him. It took everything in you not to come running back. It took everything in you not to answer those calls or texts like you normally would.

You chose him, every single time. You wish he knew that. Him and Kai.

You sighed, sipping on the flask you snuck in. The alcohol relieving you of any pain, helping you feel numb as the night goes on. You didn't want to feel tonight, you just didn't. Why would you, when everything had just been hurting you lately?

You had just finished dancing out on the main stage, throwing your ass back to some Megan and Cardi. A few other dancers were gathered at a vanity, sneakily sniffing lines of coke while Bigs and his men were busy paroling the main stage.

"You want some of this, sis? In celebration of you coming back?" One of the other dancers smirks at you. You simply shake your head no and return to the flask in your hand.

"I'm good, thank you."

"Alright, well it's here if you want it. Just let me know, babe." Her and the other dancers go back to their business on the vanity. However, another dancer continues to eye you, sympathy filling her expression as she approaches you while you sip on your flask once more. You were starting to feel pretty tipsy again, hoping you could just hide out in the back 'till the very end of your shift.

"Y/N." She says, her hand gently on your arm. "You okay?"

"I'm good." You purse your lips together to prevent yourself from tearing up. Those words were triggering for you because you were not okay, whatsoever.

"Why did you come back, babe?" She genuinely asks, worried about you. "Did Bigs do something?"

"No." You lied. "Things just didn't work out elsewhere I guess, and I need money."

"Didn't work out? I saw the way Jungkook handled Bigs that night." If anything, she was probably the one dancer who paid attention to the environment around her. Everyone else was oblivious to the shit that's been happening and that's because they didn't give a fuck about anyone else. Her stage name was Trixie, but her real name was Miki. She too didn't really enjoy being here but her parents talked so much about how she was useless and couldn't make it out in the world, especially as a vlogger. She loved it. She loved being in front of the camera and talking to the world thru the lens. But her parents thought it was dumb— that she was dumb for even wanting to grow a career online like that. Besides all of it, she remained sweet, and she was always super nice to you. You wouldn't be surprised if she knew about you and Jungkook, and you honestly wouldn't have a problem with it. She never treated you wrong. She knew Bigs had a tendency to overstep and abuse the power he had with his status and his money. However, she knew he was a big coward and that he was all talk, no play — especially if it was outside of the club. He may be a big honcho here, but outside, he had no chance. And she couldn't wait until the day he'd get his for all the mess he's caused.

"Yeah well, things happen." She shakes her head.

"Y/N, you can talk to me. Look, as much as I love seeing your face, you have so much potential. You don't deserve to be stuck here. Let me help you figure this out."

"I'm okay, Miki. Thank you, though." She nods, not wanting to press you any further.

"Well, I'm here for you." She gives your arm one good squeeze before walking off.

Eventually, the rest of the dancers retreat back out onto the floor, leaving you to hide away in the back room as long as possible — which is why Namjoon can't get a glimpse of you anywhere out in the main area. Bigs is actually a little taken aback to see both him and Jin walking through the club, even after everything that has gone down. But hey, business is business— and if they weren't gonna cause any trouble, so be it. He knows though, he knows full well there's a possibility they're here for you.

"Boys! Long time no see!" He greets them, Joon and Jin giving him a toothless smile in return. "How've you been? What brings you in?"

"Mr. Bigs." Namjoon says, smoothing down his shirt. "Ah, we're good, just getting busy prepping for the tour. Wanted to take a little breather tonight."

"Well, I'm glad you guys came here to do so. Can I get you two anything to drink?" The both of them shake their heads. "Anything to help relieve that stress?"

"We're good, thanks. Just gonna sit out on the floor for a bit."

"You two let me know if there's anything I can do for you, at all." Bigs smiles at them as he begins to watch them walk away. "Make sure she's covered." Bigs slightly turns his head to speak through the headset mic, alerting his men to keep an eye out. He thinks he's said it low enough so that Jin and Namjoon don't hear, but Jin catches the movement in his peripherals, causing him to pinch Joon's bicep.

"Back room." Jin says, subtly nodding towards the backroom as he keeps his gaze out on the main stage and adjusts his tie. Namjoon looks around to see Bigs has welcomed himself to the other side of the club, speaking to a few customers, looking distracted.

"I'm gonna go see if I can talk to her."

"Talk?! You said we were just scoping her out. Don't cause any trouble, Namjoon-ah. Please."

"Oh, now you suddenly don't want this action movie to come alive?! You sure were talking a whole lot about it in the car."

"Since when do you even take me seriously?!"

"I always take you seriously, hyung!"

"How about you just sneak towards the back door and get her attention? You said we can't go all out like that!"

"There's guards there too."

"Look, I just don't want you or Y/N to get hurt. Maybe we should just lay low and figure out how we can approach this better."

"Hey, can I get you two anything?" Miki interrupts, fully aware of who they are and what they're here for.

"No, sweetie. Thank you." Jin responds, flashing his 100-watt smile.

"You looking for Y/N?"

"Depends who's asking?" Namjoon says, trying to keep his guard up.

"Look, I'm not gonna rat you out if that's what you think." She puts her hand on her hip, tray still balancing on her free hand. "She's in the backroom. But there's no way you can get to her. Bigs is watching her for whatever reason."

"Yeah, we're aware. Can you send her a message for me?"

"Sure. You have 10 seconds though or else Bigs is gonna be onto you." She points towards Bigs slowly making his way back.

"Just tell her that Jungkook is worried about her and wants to help. Or, we want to help. We just wanna know what's going on."

"I'll try, but she didn't let up when I asked earlier."

"Thanks." Joon sighs.

"Shoo, I'll find you guys around." She says, sneakily walking off towards the bar with her empty tray as Bigs starts to eye the main floor. Jin and Namjoon welcome themselves to a seat on the side of the stage, acting normal as possible by throwing bills onto the stage for the dancers. Miki tends to her customers before she's setting her tray down and pretending to take a cigarette from her bra to take a quick "break." She heads to the back to see you still sitting at your vanity, head resting against the palm of your hand.

"Babe." You turn to look at her, eyes slightly glossed over.

"Hm?"

"RM and Jin are here. They said they want to help you, and if you can tell them anything, that's all they'd want."

"Miki—"

"Girl, look. Don't let this man keep running your life like this. I don't care what he said or did, this isn't you. You need to get out of here and you need to let people in. People who genuinely care about you." You sigh.

"How is that possible when Jungkook's own bestfriend doesn't even like me? And ontop of that, Bigs even dragged my little brother and my evil ass stepfather into this. I can't let anything happen to him, he's the only thing I have."

"I get that, and I'm sure Jungkook will do whatever it takes to protect you both. Why are RM and Jin here then? Whatever Jungkook's other friend's issue is, he needs to figure it out. It's obviously his own problem, something he created himself for no reason."

"I know he's helping Bigs keep me away from Jungkook. All the hurtful shit in the media, all the shit he's been tossing in my face. Whatever, I get it. He wins. I don't belong."

"Don't say that."

"It's true, and I know even if I chose Jungkook, he'd choose his bestfriend over me. Why would he go against that? They've been together for so long. I'm a fucking nobody." Miki knows this is all the alcohol running through your veins, but at least now, she knows Bigs isn't doing this on his own [as she assumed, he's a fucking pussy for the most part - he's a pussy who got handsy with the dancers cause that's all he can do to feed his ego].

"I don't think that's true, and I don't think it's a fair assumption when he's stayed by your side, hasn't he? He hasn't given up on you." She says before walking out. Really, things were just completely scrambled in your head. Just fucked up. Your questions, your uncertainty was strong enough to pull you towards the negative - the what if's, the assumptions, the rumors, the shit-talking. After all that, the positives were dim.

Miki grabs her tray and serves the first couple of customers in dire need of their drinks before she heads over to Jin and Namjoon to spill the information she received from that conversation.

"She won't budge. It sounds like a lot of this shit talking got to her head, so she came back to make herself feel better but then Bigs ended up turning this around on her, threatening Jungkook and her brother. If I were you, I'd get Jungkook to her before she can even come back here. Make sure her brother is with him too. Bigs is all talk but being the guys that you are — I wouldn't take any chances to ruin your reputation and all that." She smacks on her gum. "And I hate to tell you this, but one of your little friends has been working with Bigs. I don't know who, but you better let that little shit know he was wrong for getting in her head like that. She deserves way better." She says with a punch of attitude before walking away.

"Jimin?" Jin mouths out to Namjoon, who only shrugs in response.

"Let's go." Namjoon tosses a couple of more bills before they head out.

"Have a good evening, boys." Bigs yells out, causing the two of them to return a tight-lipped smile.

"Are we going to tell Kookie about Jimin?"

"No? Because we don't even know ourselves. His name was never dropped, and we'll look dumb if we acted on assumptions."

"This is so fucked up." Jin sighs, looking out the window.

"You're telling me."

When they finally arrive back at the dorm, Namjoon and Jin find Jungkook pacing around in his room, tossing a rubber ball against the wall to keep himself occupied. His doe eyes dart over to them, letting the ball drop to the floor while he nervously walks closer to them.

"So?"

"I'm sorry, dude." Joon sighed. "From what it sounds like, all this mess just got to her head so she went back to the club to make herself feel better. But Bigs ended up bringing you and her brother into the situation so, I'm assuming she's distancing herself to protect you in some way?" Namjoon runs his hand through his hair. "Honestly, I really don't know, that's as much as we got."

"We didn't even talk to her or see her, some other dancer helped us out. I guess she's a friend of hers? Or maybe she just likes Y/N. She wanted to help." Jin says.

"Fuck!" Jungkook groans, slamming his hand down onto his bed. "Why couldn't she just talk to me? We could have figured this out."

"Look, I'm sure there's a lot more to it and I'm sure it's difficult for her. Promise me you'll hear her out when you see her."

"I mean, yeah I know, I will. But, how did this get to her head so easily? I really can't wrap my head around it, I—" He catches how tense Joon and Jin suddenly get. He watches them nervously looking at each other, making him cock his head to the side and furrow his brows. "Wait, what is it? You know something else, don't you?"

"I mean there's really no concrete facts behind it so we can't necessarily say it's true."

"Well?" Jungkook asks, his fists clenched so tightly his knuckles are turning white. But, before they could go any further, Jungkook's ringtone echos in the room. He quickly turns in case it's you calling, but he picks up anyway because it's someone equally as important.

"Kai?"

"C-can you come pick me up? My sister isn't picking up. I'll send you Eric's address." Jungkook worries when he hears the shakiness in his voice, his tone low to a whisper.

"Yeah, sit tight. I'll be right there." He hangs up, darting out of his room, Namjoon and Jin following after him.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to get to Kai."

"Let us come with!"

"Look, it'll be quicker if I go myself—"

"Jungkook-ah, stop. We're not gonna let you go alone." Joon and Jin make it just in time to join him in the elevator, heading straight for his car even if it's nearing 1am. Jungkook pulls up Kai's location, pressing on the gas to rush over there just in case Kai was hurt. And yes, Jungkook was going to give it to your fucking stepfather if he sees anything on Kai. He will fucking destroy him, he promises.

Jungkook, Namjoon and Jin walk into the house quietly, seeing Kai putting his finger up to his lips when he meets them near the kitchen.

"What happened?" Jungkook whispers, handing his bags over to Namjoon and Jin. Jungkook looks at the small hint of blood pooling near his nostrils and the cut near his eyebrow.

"I'll explain in the car, can you just take me to—"

"Really? Calling your sister's boyfriend and his friends over to save you? You really are a helpless little shit." Namjoon, Jin and Jungkook are all shielding each other and Kai from Eric, Jungkook's blood boiling seeing him standing there, clearly very drunk and not in the right state of mind.

"Aye, don't fucking talking to him like that." Jungkook's spits out, making Eric laugh.

"First you fall for my slut of a daughter, now you help rescue him? I thought you were so much better than that, Jungkook. You aren't the person people portrayed you to be. Shittiest idol I know. All of you."

"You don't know me." Eric snorts.

"You guys do know I help sponsor your shit right? I play a big role for you, don't come into my house acting like—" He slurs his words.

"Yeah, well fuck the contract." Namjoon's jaw clenches. "Better yet, don't fucking worry about it, I'll make sure to take care of it for you."

"You need me." Eric says, almost at a growl.  "You need me and Bigs—"

"Since when?" Namjoon responds in a mocking manner as he begins to usher Jin, Jungkook and Kai towards the front door. "If you wanna send your people over, you can let them know I'm free tomorrow in the late afternoon. I'll be more than happy to tell 'em what kind of sick person you are."

"You can't just take him—" Eric tries to flip the script, obviously unaware that Kai has already turned 18. He grips onto Kai's arm and tries to pull him back, except he's intoxicated, so Jungkook easily pushes him off. He watches as Eric hits a bar stool, stumbling over himself before he drunkily falls on his ass.

"You're such a sad excuse of a stepfather, you aren't even aware he's 18 already. He doesn't need you." Jungkook scoffs. "I'm gonna send people for the rest of Kai's shit tomorrow. And let's get this straight - we never needed you or Bigs. You both aren't shit without us and yout fucking empire thrives because of us. And if you do anything to Y/N, if you even think about working with Bigs on doing anything to her, I fucking promise you I will bury you alive. I won't stop until you have nothing left. Don't underestimate me."

everybody's angry and they're coming for me, but i can't give them energy that i won't receive; so i brush 'em off, i got a lot on my sleeve, like i'm moving backwards, but it's all on repeat; this place is getting crowded, i got no room to breathe

track twelve: hundred - khalid

[csmeaner]

I want to get something off of my chest, so I don’t care if this is posted or deleted.

A follow up to the Edeia voiding post; It’s not my style to go against CS rules for the most part but I can’t afford to spend that kind of money just to walk about of the species with the designs I love. And even if I could afford it, I am… hesitant to give the owner another cent after the sheer amount of money I already gave them. I know some of my friends read this blog so I might be about to lose friendships for what I’m about to say, but it can’t be helped. No matter how much I like a CS, I won’t support a practice that I feel is unjustified.

So, I’m erasing all connections to the species from my characters’ TH profiles, and treating them as one-offs without getting them “officially” voided. I just want out of this shitty place and having to pay to void my shit feels like I’m being held hostage at this point. I’ve talked to enough people, family and friends and others IRL, about the situation and no one sees the point of paying extra just to freely use the characters I already bought. Christ, even people I talk to who are presently still IN the species didn’t know there was a voiding fee, and even they think it’s stupid after finding out.

I tallied up the cost of the Edeia I wanted to void, and the combined price of them was $1,175. I shouldn’t have to pay another $390-$455 on top of that. That’s just robbery at that point, considering the void fee wasn’t in existence when I got my designs. I don’t know when it got added, but I really don’t remember it being there before I walked out last year.

In the end, what came of my initial conversation with Auspice was me handing back $230 worth of designs to get my sona and his husband voided, and to obtain ownership of a fusion I co-owned with Auspice. It wasn’t a good deal by any means; voiding my sona and his mate would have cost $70, which leaves $160 for the ownership transfer and the… “Redesign” of the fusion. Which was a fucking fuss, I was handed a design I hated, and when I did my own variation, Aus fucking whined because they didn’t like me keeping the cape-like sleeves or stars on the inside of the clothes because that was “their sona’s traits.” The redesign, the time spent negotiating, and the transfer of the ownership rights definitely should NOT have cost $160 for what I got in the end. And the reason I wanted the fusion at all is because it would have otherwise just been deleted and I didn’t want my original $175 going to waste.

After some… “negotiating” on the areas of tension with the design, we “settled” on a redesign that was just a glorified version of my own sona, which wasn’t what I wanted. But I was fed up and dealing with Auspice gives me severe anxiety, so I approved it anyway just so that I could stop interacting. After ownership rights were handed over to me I tweaked the design on my own to restore the vibe and look I wanted. I compared the redesign and Auspice’s sona with a bunch of peeps and we all determined it’s very different from their sona in appearance.

oh ill definitely answer this one. auspice can suck it, edeia and its entire foundations can suck it, and that 35usd per character voiding fee can suck it the hardest

i wouldn't feel bad a single ounce it's unreasonable to expect people to pay to leave a cs and is in similar maliciousness for scummy services to create cancellation fees to force people to stay in the service or exhaust them so much they can be squeezed for a few more pennies. that shit's awful in real life what makes you think it's not a slimy practice in cs too

fuck are they going to do edeia can fucking suuuuuck itttt and burn in hell

[thisdreamplace]

30 Days of Manifesting the Mental State (Part 1)

Guidelines:

- Focus on manifesting the mental state of who I desire to be

- Let the external world be, the internal world has all my focus

Why?

I was inspired by this short post:

Decide to Manifest the Mental State

My goal with this was to manifest my ideal mental state in regards to whatever I deem important to me, so this was a heavily self concept based challenge. Compared to the challenges I did in the past, where I was interested in physical manifestations.

Reflection:

Y’all, if you feel like you’ve done all you can do and you’re stuck, try this challenge. lmao You will be fucking read to filth. And it’s the best thing ever.

During the first week, I really got shown myself. Before this challenge I thought I was good with not taking the 3D too seriously. By implementing this challenge, I realized how much I actually paid attention to it for validation. Given this challenge is all about manifesting the mindset, I could no longer use the 3D an excuse for why I’m upset or wonder why I see no changes. Because I only had one job and that’s to manifest the mindset, no matter what the 3D shows. I often would remind myself, “I need to conform to myself first.” This helped me to stay on track during the first week.

Plus, I realized, once again I was slacking on everyone is you pushed out as a concept. It really was difficult for me to take responsibility for others. But thanks to this challenge, I couldn’t put this concept on the backburner anymore. And I know if I want the people in my world to change for the better, I must change for the better within first. Once again, “I need to conform to myself first” was such a solid reminder. How could I look at the 3D in disappointment, when I hadn’t even conformed to myself first? This is still a work in progress, but it’s at the forefront of my mind now instead of an afterthought.

After about the first week, things got easier. I read a couple posts that really clicked for me and it honestly became chill af after that. Things started moving more in my life. It’s honestly so weird how the law works. This shit really is subtle as hell, it’s so natural when your world starts conforming you barely even notice. There’s so many things that happen in a day that align with my new conception of self and it’s difficult to remember them all.

But basically, I moved into an entirely new state. Like, things just are not the same for me mentally or with the way I feel. Like... how do I explain this? Basically, my desired self concept has become so natural... a lot of my state of lack habits have disappeared. And I didn’t even expect that to happen. Like, getting worked up about how long it’s been... wondering if I did something wrong... like all of that just vanished. I feel extremely... fulfilled and satisfied. I actually know I did everything I could do. So what else is there to do? I don’t feel the need to search for more anymore. I truly feel satisfied with my mental efforts. I have done my best, now all that is left to be done is to live and allow life to do it’s thing, really.

On the final week, I hit a wall. It was like I simply could not shake the anxiety. Each day I was thankful it came to an end, hoping for a more pleasant following day... that didn’t come. The emotional rollercoaster! I would go from “it’s okay, I don’t need to analyze how I’m feeling” to “okay, wtf is going on????” I was a mess, but as always, I persisted. I know there’s mixed opinions on this, but from my experience I definitely have moments where my mind is purging the old story. And it’s difficult as fuck. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t exist because someone out there might be going through the same. I want y’all to know, we can make it through to the other side.

During those days, I had these moments where I can actually feel myself as God? And it’s not this super powerful feeling. It’s been more... calm and peaceful. Like I just know I am taken care of. Honestly, it usually only lasts in glimpses. But that’s okay. Because I know I am just uncovering that part of me more and more. It’s actually so exciting.

From experience, I know every dip like this on my journey has lead to more mental and emotional freedom. So even though in the moment it feels like absolute meaningless torture, I know it makes sense and it’s happening for a good reason.

But this is where I left off. The challenge ended before I was able to make it through the low moment. So now, I am just going to revamp this challenge with a part 2, with everything I have learned about myself from it.

Best Self Concept Manifestations:

- I have felt more fulfilled than I ever have in my life. And I did that on my own. Pretty fucking great. 

- The main theme on my journey has continued to improve: love. People LOVE me. Like they LOVE me lmao. I constantly get compliments on not only my appearance but also my character and who I am as a person. My ideal life is entirely in view, I can see the destination now.

- Not needing to constantly read about the law anymore. This is my favorite, because I love the law. lol So, when I deleted Reddit and actually had weeks pass where I didn’t feel the need to redownload it, it was like wow. I know everything I need to know. There’s nothing else to read. I have my comfort/motivation posts, and I would go back to those time to time. But I have very little interest in the search for “new” information now. There’s nothing else to learn, there’s only concepts to apply.

- Despite the downward spiral, I can say I have definitely seen improvement in my bounce back from the 3D circumstances overall. I have my moments, of course, but overall it’s definitely become easier for me to remember this world is malleable and nothing is set in stone.

- Kdramas. LOL I always end up watching one that aligns with my journey, which is cool af. I started “When the Camellia Blooms” while on this challenge and it was funny because my sister watched in months ago. And she was like, “Dongbaek (the female lead) is the character I said you remind me of.” Which was such a huge compliment. She’s literally what I strive to be? Loved for no reason other than existing and super pretty. LMAO She’s simply adored and unforgettable, simply because she is. That was such a boost to my work on my self concept. It may not sound like the best manifestation ever but for me it was motivation to keep persisting. If I can see it, I can have it. Period.

Conclusion:

This isn’t over yet. I am moving into part 2 of this challenge as we speak, which will be similar but with a more precise focus. So in conclusion, all I can say is try it for yourself. It’s definitely worth it.

Resources That Inspired Me the Most During this Challenge:

Nothing Outside Will Help You Change Your Mind

Dissolving Fears to Manifest Effortlessly

Self Concept, Self Love, and States

Hug Your Inner World Tight

[mimibtsghost7]

Fuck you and all your little brain washed rats sending people hate because you cant take responsibility for your actions!! But go on stay silent like you always do, pretend its nothing of your business, keep being a fetishizing racist delulu like you love to be while pretending to be the best blog on tumblr!!!

NOT like anyone will see this but YOU will so LET’S GOOO!!!~~

TW: mental health and more (if you feel like this can trigger you, pls don’t read this, breathe in and out and listen to this HERE and remember I love you), loads of tea and Mimi NOT being a friendly and kind ghost. 

funny enough: 

I never pretended of said I was the best blog. But I guess the fact that you say it might be because you heard it frequently? Thanks for thinking so^^

I sent hate to no one and u r the one sending it to me rn ^^ In my whole 4 year journey on Tumblr I received a lot of love but also worse hate that you can imagine. Yes you are saying now you are receiving hate ... funny how it’s bad when It’s addressed to you but when it’s at me and my dear followers it is not. Still, I never told anyone to go hate on you. You were the idiot that tagged my old blog and as soon as my blog was gone pple searched me and found out you were the reason behind this. But as you keep hating on me. Let me tell you I am kind but don’t mistake that for me being a coward.

I am not into insulting others and I don’t care much if you insult me. BUT don���t YOU DARE touch my dear followers. Insulting ain’t hard. Let me try: The only rat here is you hiding in your hole as an anon. I went and compared your writing with this ask and previous hate asks. And it was you~ Good for you~ the sewers smell just like your filthy mouth spilling sh*t left and right. So on brand. However, I know who you are @hobisbeautifulass Hi ^^

Me racist? HAHAHAHAH you truly know NOTHING about me nor my ex-blog’s message. It was a place when you were welcomed no matter your skin color, religion, gender ... proof? well it got deleted thanks to you. but ask around this time and search for who reblogged my posts as they were always the top of the tags (even if I don’t trust how bad you are at research). I supported the BLM movement and still do and will always do but I did so veeery early without anyone telling me. Not for the notes but because of my humanity. I wished my dear followers’ happy holidays no matter their religions. And never cared about those things. Why judge someone on something based on religion or how they were born. As for the LGBTQ+ community, I was always and will always be there for love being love. I talked about mental health and opened venting nights. I helped left and right and when I was receiving hate because of people like you spitting lies about me. What did I do? Did I go online and called people bad? No. I looked back at myself and asked myself if I did anything wrong. I tried to educate myself and apologized sincerely when I had to. I read books and watched documentaries to learn how to become a better human. AND never repeated a mistake twice. You tend to forget that our cultures are different and sometimes you grow up to see some things as normal when they are not. This is not an excuse tho, so I always believed that I was lacking and if someone had something to say against me, there is a chance they are right and just in case I should reflect on myself. But for your case it was pure nonsense. ME? a stalker? how can I stalk when I have social anxiety and at that time couldn’t even leave my room? I am even afraid of taking public transportations and just the other days I was crying from joy when I took a taxi alone. they said I was in Japan stalking Jimin and Jungkook and took a pic when I was NEVER EVER was on that land. You put me on the same list as people who bought info about BTS’ flights to be on the same plane as them? I was stalked before and let me tell you it ain’t cute and fun. I am even scared of the idea of being followed. that’s why I never shared openly my age, country, or anything about me on my blog. that’s why I have no personal social media to this day and that’s why making my ex-blog was some sort of miracle in my life. 

Silent? yes I was silent when I received hate and didn’t even vent to my dear followers or pointed fingers. Why? because I thought as my day was hell I shouldn’t make anyone’s day worse. I was worried about my dear followers with mental illnesses being triggered. I tried to take my life so many times I lost count but I still came here and smiled. It was my safe place and you took it away. Yet, I should pity you? You hated on me first for no reason and you know it deep inside but right now you are trying to convince yourself that you are the angel and feel no guilt. Compared to you. I pointed fingers at no one and didn’t name you when my blog was gone. Why? because compared to you, I thought you will not be able to manage the hate and what was done .. I didn’t want you to suffer the same way I did when you are the one who made me suffer the most the past couple of days. But the kind Mimi is someone you will never remember because you dared touch the friends I love and calling them names. I don’t mind people insulting me but don’t you dare touch my people. I know myself best. My dear friends/followers know me best. I thought ... I could leave without this mess but you keep barking in my ask box and it’s annoying. I left this backup account just to talk to my friends and yet you are here to ruin things again? I should stop being kind to the ones who deserve non of it. I ignored you when I had so many followers and you went silent too because you were scared of me. But as soon as I lost my blog because of you, you went, edited and then reblogged that stalker post. How can I be a stalker? do you even know the definition of a stalker? do you even know shame? well .. I don’t think so.. you said it yourself. You are NOT ashamed (and you reblogged that so many time lol). 

Death threats? this is no competition but thanks to people like you I have been there and wish no one to be there not even you. The only difference is that you almost killed me for real. You were not the sole reason? Great job walking away from you beloved word: RESPONSIBILITY. And I didn’t get just anon hate, I got literal tagging by people like you, DMs, and people pointing guns at me. That’s why I didn’t mention you. I was worried about the one who took away what I worked for for 4 YEARS. I was more sad and concerned about the ARMY fandom here. Do you know how many rely on my updates? do you know how many people said I helped them? do you know any of that? do you think 200k people were “rats”? Do you think if I did and say wrong thing I will not be questioned by those people. I always told my dear followers: “friends, if I do or say anything wrong or share anything that hurts anyone please tell me. I am willing to learn from everyone.” But what did you know? what did you do? Well ..  guess you love notes? As the most notes you ever got and the most attention was when talking about me? 

Love how you talk about fetishing when my blog was what people call “family friendly”. I also like BTS. I love them for their music, talent, personalities and the happiness they give me. I also enjoy BTS’ bond and love their interactions. I posted content of all kinds of interactions JM X JK, JK X V, V X JIN, JIN X SG, SG X JH, JH X RM, RM X JM ... If you are calling this fetishing asian men just because I scream over BTS as a fan and love their bonb. Then aren’t you against the idea of being an ARMY? I was a clear OT7 and you were told that you weren’t right: 

 Then you answered this without even explaining the nonsense about me: 

idk .. I am trying to find sense in your nonsense so .. wait wait let me look at the definition of fetishism first. 

Fetishism /ˈfɛtɪʃɪz(ə)m/ noun: a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, activity, part of the body, etc.

Then .. judging from your URL alone hmmm ... cute. I won’t even talk about the SMUT you write that is full of kinks and fetishism. Well I have no problem with fan fiction but the irony you spit is out of this world.

Also, I made money out of mimibtsghost? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH no lil one. I worked day and night for FREE. At some point when BT21 just came out and there were no products on AMAZON or anywhere but S.Korea, someone reached out to me to offer 20% off or something for my dear followers. When they asked what I wanted I said what about international giveaways for my dear followers. Basically, made gifs, found content, updates, analysis, edits, and so on for free. Again, w-wait .. Aren’t you the one asking for commissions? Well .. It’s not wrong. But again THE irony. 

So, I went to see that post you made about me with “PROOF” and it was just another person who was salty as I got them blocked I can’t even recall who they were but oh well. Their arguments according to YOU and many should be taken as FACTS just because they said them?  You said HERE that your first comeback was MOST:7 that came in just last year (2020) SO what the hell do YOU know about what happened years before you came when all the proof you pointed at where baseless without any backing?

Let’s see this so wise person you used to delete my blog and what I have done ^^

The gifs: There is a story to this. The first week I came to Tumblr, It was my first time on this site and the first time I share anything. I shared some content and my analysis had a lot of notes for a small creator that started just a week ago. But I made a mistake, I found a gif and posted it while crediting the gif maker. At the time I had NO idea it was wrong. I logged off and after 5 hours I log in and there was a WAR for that ONE gif. The big blog had me blocked and her friend was telling me to take it off. As soon as the person told me I did IMMEDIATELY and apologized againa and again and told them to tell the original gif maker to deblock me as I want to apologize directly and that they can block me after that. They did and I apologized but they just kept insulting me. Of course it was MY mistake and that’s why I apologized. But for them. for a mere gif (yes I say a mere gif because I made so many gifs and they were used on all platforms but I never thought it was necessary to hate that much on someone like they did to me). That blog was big and had big blog mutuals. Thanks to that, I became someone you do NOT become mutuals with but block and never reblog content from. Without any big mutuals. Without any shoutouts. Only my love for BTS, my dear followers’ support and my hard work.. My blog, became bigger and FAST (I got 10k in less than 6 months after I started) and that brought loads of jealousy and thus more rumors. Even if, I apologized and since then made my own gifs. And I made SO many gifsets that I can’t remember how many there were. What I can recall is at some point I made them daily and many times a day.

Ships Jikook? I posted content of ALL the members interactions. I was here at a time where Jikook stans and Taekook stans where always fighting. BUT I posted about both and even made so many posts to encourage loving all the members and all the interactions. I also used the tags solely used for shipping with other big tags to show that BTS’ interactions are all important and their bond is beutiful. That our fandom shouldn’t hate on a member just because they are not part of a ship we like. And wait .. even if I shipped Jikook? I got called ALL those names by someone who ship the members with readers and write sexual scenes? Like, wait ... I am truly confused. Like, write fanfic and do all you want as long as you hurt no one I guess but why am I getting hurt for doing non of it? Like according to you, the person you should be cancelling is yourself?! I am also not into cancel culture like you so hahah whatever.

Posted stalker pics: well wow the story changes each time. Next thing you will hear that I was the one holding a camera for a member in a Vlive lol. Let me teach you about this update thing I was doing. I follow accounts I trust and that’s how we get info circulating fast. I always do reasearch but sometimes mistakes are made. For example when lately people shared pictures of BTS leaving their virtual concerts and schedules. There was a watermark of a news outlet. Normally we trust those but only later we realized that those people stalked BTS. You clearly can’t know it all. But I still didn’t share many pics related to many events (I will not name those as pple can search them even now because some pple never deleted those). And all big accounts shared many pics then deleted later. This happens all the time but it happened like ONCE for me. However, I am called a stalker for that? 

When Jonghyun passed away ... I don’t even wanna recall that night as the memories just ... when that happened I posted about it and send my condolescences. that post had over 10k notes and was at the top the tag. Why did I do that? I was devastated. Yes, many were but I will talk about me rn: I was suicidal the days before that and one of the songs that I listened to when I was broken where by him. I has been in the kpop world since 2006. And learned about his group since their debut with ‘Replay’. I was never a stan but I still knew of many groups and listened to all the songs I liked. I was very sad when he was gone and ANGRY mostly. Why is this angel leaving? Why is someone like me still here? Why did I not leave instead of him? How much did he suffer? And in the midst I posted a post from twitter that stated how agencies usually put down pple with mental illiness and hide it in the industry. Yes, that was important but NOT at that time. I shouldn’t have posted that and I realized after 5 min of doing so that it was WRONG. So I deleted it FAST but it kept being reblogged and I kept getting hate and people telling me: “Go kill yourself”... the sad part is that I almost did as my answer was “true ... why am I still here?” I apologized and logged off then to this day won’t forget crying at 3 AM while walking outside next to my dad. I was outside as I couldn’t breathe anymore and the idea of seeing the walls of my room was hell. I cried and cried and the teary eyes that my father looked at me with are something I am ashamed of to this day. To add one more thing while I am spilling the beans. I hate learning about someone dying. My grandma passed away sometime before that and it was so shocking to me. and some people came and told me when I was mourning her: Go follow that bitch of grandmother of yours. And for what? At that moment I didn’t think I would live to see the next year but I went to therapy and took medecine that was hurting and made me shake all day just to turn somewhat sane. No one knew tho ... I smiled all day and cried all night.. Even on the blog I fought no one of the ones who hated me. I just blocked them but even that was an insult to them?

Again, you said no one should defend me. Yet, you were ready to fight whoever touched anyone around you. What about changing your URL to beautifulassirony

Also THE hypocrisy. If you are sorry then why are you answering an ask of someone isulting someone you want to apologize to? Just make a post wher you apologize or ignore it from the start?

One more thing but surely not the last. You said you were good with research which you are NOT. So, let me show you what an OG detective ARMY can do. But first, as I was scrolling I saw some of your “work” (let’s not even talk about those gifs) and I am just giving my point of view here: I hate how you painted Namjoon as this horny-idiotic-make-dog. Like I get it it’s a fanfic or Namjoon as a dad but ... Namjoon is such a smart man who is very respectful and ofc he is a human with needs like many but what the hell is this way of portraying a character? Also a character is not cool, amazing, and a strong woman just because they curse and belittle their partner. 

Oh well, only you kept reblogging that as it show 36 reblogs when only 33 as still there when I looked and out of those 13 reblogs are yours? (you might have reblogged it more) but again some people might have liked ... people have different taste ... so ... whatever. 

Let’s continue, shall we ^^. You said you were the victim here when I was the one getting robbed right? How can I believe someone who reblogged the post below and was proud calling themselves an abomination or how the Oxford dictionary defines it:  a thing that causes disgust or loathing. For once you weren’t wrong.

What can you expect from someone who has the “I am not like others” kinda mentality while stating relatable things that everyone goes through?

This is getting pretty long. So to sum this up. You are now telling others that hate is NOt ok and that they should be ashamed of themselves when you yourself is not ashamed of hating on me?

I am not the type that sends anon hate. I might ignore some barking but the past days you came and bite me hard. I face the ones I have to face without fear. I know I am not the bad guy here and I don’t care much what you think about me. Even BTS got haters. This says a lot. BUT do NOT dare talk badely of my dear friends/followers. You said you do research well? Start by deleting the post below that was originally by ME from your blog ... oh how meticulous you are. From your baseless receipts to your twisted logic. Indeed people on the internet can say anything and it will be FACTS. You painted me as the devil and painted yourself as this researcher? What’s next you receiving a Phd in ‘pity me’ after your MBA in lies and irony? Whatever~ 

Whaaatever~ Karma will have upcoming talks with you. No need for you to apologize. I never cared about you and you only got attention using me. But I am not here anymore how will you get that blog running now? Are you gonna add me in a fanfic next? No need for you to send me my appearance fee when you do so~ And no need for you to apologize to me just apologize to you conscience if you have any left.  As for me @hobisbeautifulass​ you are just someone I will forget soon anyway~~ 

And because according to what you said HERE when you described the things you hate about people and I thought that was VERY close to how you treated me. Thus, you might really not stand yourself rn.

Do.Not.Worry. BTS are starting the Love Myself campaign again and just in time for you to jump in (you are good at jumping to conclusions about me so I won’t worry about you). I know you don’t like me or my friends but be sure to love yourself at least ^^ 

You are a Hobi stan? Then learn from Hobi to share some sunshine not bring the storm. Have a good day~

[whatiwillsay]

submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me.  but i am very emotional right now.  i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience.  ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support.  have you been financially impacted by this?  we can raise money.  do you need therapy?  we can help you find the support you need.  this community is unequivocally here for you.  whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will.  you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this.  i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened.  this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do.  this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

[nctadoll]

          Aight, so, it’s time for one of these posts.  I make these posts occasionally on my other blogs, so if you follow a few of my other blogs, then you might be rereading a bit— However, quite a bit has happened since my last post regarding this subject. I make these posts as, updates / warnings I suppose, as I feel they’re warranted whenever a new blog of mine gets any kind of traction.

         Intense trigger heavy content below the cut.

      For those not in the know, I’m J. I went by ‘Jake’ for a number of years, but about a year ago I decided to shorten it, it was just simpler that way. I’m currently 21 years old, and I’ve been writing on this platform since I was 13. Which is kinda crazy looking back on it, amazing how time flies like that. 

     Within the last... Five or so years, something started happening to me, something that I wasn’t really familiar with on a self basis, but I gotta go further back to properly provide context. Starting in 2011, making me 11 at the time, my family moved from our first house, this brought along MANY challenges as a move typically does— However, shortly after the move, my father lost his job. This, did a lot to him, severely damaging his mental stability. This continued until 2016?? ( My memory of exactly when is foggy ) When he was kicked from the residence over physical domestic abuse issues. He lived away for a year, and then he returned. Then, almost a year later, it happened again, ending with him hospitalized and kicked out once again ( this took place on my 18th birthday lmao ), where he remains gone till this day. Though, given the state of the things happening, that might be changing in the coming weeks.

      He was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, which, is an extremely heavy mental disorder to have. And a few months ago, I was diagnosed with the exact same disorder. Up until the age of about 16 / 17 I never had massive issues with mental health, I was happy and never really felt any downtime. That changed, as mood swings became common, and I found myself combative and easy to anger, which was something that was never the case before. My family just excused it as puberty as they do. 

       For those unaware, BPD causes... Multiple horrid things. Such as fear of abandonment, unclear / shifting self image, impulsive and self destructive behavior, explosive anger, intense paranoia and suicidal tendencies. I can safely say, I see and deal with all of this. Now, this has manifested in multiple ways online, many in ways that harm my friends. What’ll happen, is I’ll grow so intensely paranoid of little things, that things will build and build until I have an Event where I cut myself from friends and delete blogs or accounts. Then, a few hours later, or in intense cases DAYS later, I’ll come down from this hell high, and remember the shit I did, or sometimes I’ll even have no recollection of the things I’ve done- Leading to piecing together why some friends disappeared or why they won’t speak to me.

        One of the most damaging things, can be the warped perception of everything around you. All of this, has wildly damaged my social abilities over the years— And that’s perhaps one of the most difficult parts, what was simple for me years ago, is suddenly a lot more difficult. It’s led to an intense social anxiety and it leads to you just, wildly fearing how you’ll fuck up the good things you have going for you. Regardless of if you want to or not. It’s so, unbelievably damaging and corruptive. It’s caused me to become this, horrid thing in the eyes of old friends, and I can’t apologize enough. It spawned this, desire to fight and feel a rush of conflict, hence the impulsive behavior.

        It’s something in this weird window, it isn’t me, but at the same time it technically is. I’ve lived my life so desperately trying to never bother anyone around me, the stress of the idea of bothering someone often keeps me from doing anything at all. Which is why this is such a problem. Over the last few months, I’ve been put on medication, and it’s really been helping me, more so than I had anticipated... My impulsive moments aren’t really happening anymore, and while I have down moments, they don’t lead to shitty behavior anymore. 

         I bring these kinda things up, because in the off chance I’m WRONG about how helpful the medication is, or something gets fucked up with it— I want people to know ahead of time.. It’s a lot to ask my friends to put up with it, and I’m not saying they have to— BPD is a lot, and I don’t blame anyone that would rather avoid it, it’s intense. I also know a bunch of people that, won’t speak to me over issues like this, I guess I kinda hope that one day they’ll at least be able to see this and understand. I don’t need forgiveness, because at the end of the day, I did the things I did, blocking and isolating, I did it— I don’t know if I deserve it, but I at the very least wanna be understood. I think, for those unaware, it creates this, weird idea of what I am, like I’m purposefully trying to do them wrong, and that can’t be further from the case.

        If you’ve read all of this, I greatly appreciate it. It puts a lot of ease on my mind. This is also open for discussion or conversation, should you wish to know more or anything, I’m completely open to talk.

[alexseanchai]

Fanfic 2020 in Review

I got tagged by @kasienda @noirshitsuji and @marvelousmsmol and I am tagging whoever wants to play!

1) List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:

*filters own works to complete and updated in 2020*

1 - 20 of 57 Works by AlexSeanchai

nope. *adds filter to include only works of at least 1000 words*

unless otherwise indicated, these are all Miraculous Ladybug:

“don’t bake it lying down”, post-reveal Marichat vs Felix Graham de Vanily

“veracity”, canon divergence from “Ladybug” featuring Mister Bug and Verity Queen (so also Marichat, I guess)

“(no request is too extreme, if) your heart is in your dream”, in which Hawkmoth wins, for the thirty seconds or so before Emilie saves Ladybug and Chat Noir’s lives

“tell me you love me and make me believe it”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire ropes Ladybug into helping plan her civilian self’s escape slash social transition

“kingmaker, oathbreaker”, in which Hawkmoth wins and Emilie watches her son remove himself from the family

“stay and let me watch you break it down” (Twelve Dancing Princesses), a modern setting

“set a course for winds of fortune”, in which trans girl Chatonne Noire has already escaped and Gabriel and Nathalie are trying to bring Gabriel’s son home

“we ground love in a hopeless place”, in which post-reveal Marinette’s attempt to remain resolutely not in love with her partner dissolves like sugar in coffee when they start a pun war

“ring the bells that still can ring”, in which Alya is deeply confused about why Adrien and Marinette are planning a wedding when last night both were single

“burning wishes at both ends (the cold wind and long loud wail remix)”, in which Gabriel made a monkey’s paw wish and Emilie makes another

“words cannot espresso”, in which Marinette’s OC roommate is justifiably worried for Marinette’s safety, and meanwhile Adrien takes care of Marinette

“the compromise of truth” (the chronologically second-earliest part posted to date of nine lives, snake’s eyes), in which Adrien tells his friends how he won some freedom and respect from his father

“At The Present Time”, the Ladrien/Ladynoir marriage proposal follow-up to @art-deco-shrimp‘s  “Your Presents Required”

“j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”, in which the events of canon must just have been a series of dream sequences, Marinette and Adrien both think, until they both arrive at Chloe’s Halloween masquerade dressed as themselves from the dreams

2) Number of words written:

ahahaha no. I am not counting all my scattered fic drafts and trying to figure out what I did and didn’t write in 2020. I refuse.

AO3 says I posted 162K in 2020. it is counting all of keeps you guessing (like any real love), which (a) I started posting in 2019 (b) is co-written by @galahadwilder​; it is counting all of my meta snippets collection, much of which was written in 2019; it is counting the Vimeo passwords for my vids. but I probably cleared 150K by a safe margin.

3) Your most popular fic:

“veracity” has a four-digit kudos count, wow, when’d that happen? this is also the 2020 work with the most hits and the most bookmarks, but “tell me you love me” has four-thirds as many comments as its nearest competitor.

4) Your personal fav:

“cannot break us, not with a thousand swords”, no question about it. this is the one in which Ladybug proposes marriage to Chat Noir via Princess Bride meme on Tumblr. (if you intend to download the work or otherwise to consume it with creator style off, you want the accessible version instead of the primary version.)

5) Your fav scene:

aaaaaaaaa

—okay so this is cheating and I know it, since Uncertain Humors (the one where Marinette/Adrien is both Orpheus/Eurydice and Theseus/Ariadne) is nowhere near finished, never mind posted (maybe I'll get “Sanguine” done to post on my birthday?)

but it is still my favorite of the year. as you might guess from that description of the story, this scene has content notes for character death:

Hell is a maze. Marinette walks.

This acrid passage has little to see but damp stone, seeming blood-stained in the dim carmine light. At about the height of her heart, the faintly glowing thread cuts through the not-clammy air; it ought to be pulsing at the same rate as the heart it's bound to. She might be able to see her own reflection if she looked down at the open sewage pipe, or at one of the puddles that now and again she splashes through, dampening the canvas of her shoes. She might see reflected what's behind her.

She remembers Mme. Mendeleiev lecturing on human physiology. In healthy humans old enough to have learned how, urination is a voluntary action: one may not know which muscles one tenses and relaxes in order to do so, and probably isn't paying attention to those details when one is doing, but one has conscious control over whether one does. Usually. Stress and anxiety mean some people are unable to relax the relevant sphincter muscle and others are unable to stop themselves. It's voluntary for cats, too: it's one way they mark their territories. Cat-boys have other ways.

There is a moment in every human life when all one's muscles relax at once. Some Parisians have had several such moments.

The thread is braided with itself around her left fourth finger, rows of tiny red half-hitch knots, and falls loosely over the back of her hand to loop twice around her wrist. She holds it wrapped between the fingers of her right hand to keep it at a constant tension, as though knitting with this insubstantial thread, so fragile for something two (two dozen, two million) lives hang from—too thin to sew with, no thicker than one strand of his hair. As she walks, she winds it around and around and around her wrist.

Between her ring finger and her right hand, it loops twice.

Marinette's shoe lands in a puddle she didn't see. The rainwater splashes soundlessly onto her bare ankle and on the stone.

(With cat-like tread, upon our prey we steal— It's a very loud song.)

She walks on.

6) A fic or scene that challenged you:

where the firelight fades, no contest. this is the second story I’ve ever been able to stick with more than a couple hundred words past the 20K mark, but it’s easily the twentieth novel-length I’ve begun. (though also, you know that kedreeva post? well, 90K later, I’m less than 15K from completing this 10K fic! I think.) and I have been learning so much about long-form fiction.

there has also been a lot of weeping and tearing my hair. case in point: I just trashed the chapter 15 draft because I figured out the reason it wasn’t going anywhere! I can probably keep the first few hundred words of that draft without any editing, and another few hundred with some revision...

7) A line of writing you’re proud of:

from “j'ai rêvé (so I don't have to dream alone)”:

Everything about their partnership is fragments of sentences in the dream diary Adrien writes in ultraviolet pen. Disjointed flickers of thought even when examined under the black light he hides in the snack cabinet under packets of Super Yoyo sandwich cookies and bags of cheesy Monster Munch potato chips and boxes of petit écolier butter cookies (chocolat noir)—none of which explains the gym-socks smell. All fleeting incoherent flashes, invisible between the mundane lines of La Modification shelved at his bedside between Leroux and Dumas. None of it is solid. Adrien has more proof his room's haunted.

okay let me break this down for you!

* Adrien started a dream diary to make sense of the memories

* in invisible ink, in a book that (according to Wikipedia) is thematically appropriate and won’t (if Gabriel sees it) look like anything other than Adrien developing an interest in French literature

* shelved between Phantom of the Opera and The Three Musketeers

* look I didn’t come up with the name “black light”

* or “chocolat noir” for what English speakers call “dark chocolate”, or “petit écolier” (that is, “little schoolboy”) for that sort of butter cookie

* also not my fault that “chocolat noir” sounds remarkably like “Chat Noir”, which, attentive readers may have noticed, is not a name that appears in the story after the header and before Miraculous Cure

* I found the website of a store in Boston, Massachusetts that caters to French expats, and the yo-yo cookies and the monster chips were right there in the photos, y’all

* the snack stash and the black light live in the cabinet where, in canon, the Camembert lives; yes, that cheese smells in the real world like gym socks

* this story’s akuma was not able to affect anything but squishy human memory: nobody affected remembers anything about Ladybug or Chat Noir or Hawkmoth, not in any solid way, not even when they read news articles about the subject, and this includes Marinette and Adrien not being able to see or hear or remember their own kwamis—but you know what Adrien’s Insta post about his poltergeist and Adrien’s Insta post with the floating sock don’t show and don’t explicitly refer to?

* I love this paragraph so much (my housemates may have been lovingly mocking me over it)

8) A comment that touched you:

there are people (y’all know who you are) who said y’all are studying my style. I ded of blush.

9) Something that inspired your writing:

by volume of fic drafts that can be blamed on any particular person, the winner is probably @norakwami​

10) Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

so that longest-story-ever-written record I set in 2007 with the 89.5K story that, till where the firelight fades, was the only story I’d gotten much past 20K?

I broke that fucking record!

and then I deleted the draft of firelight chapter 15 😭

11) Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

I’m starting work on a fantasy novel, a Sleeping Beauty retelling in which I explore (among other things) the economic consequences of the king’s ordering all the spinning wheels burned, and I want to make significant progress on that. and I want to not make my hands any worse; I kind of need those!

(breaking news alert: bodies fucking suck. so does giving yourself repetitive stress injuries in doing one and a half to two people’s worth of work for an organization that was never ever going to pay you more than one person’s worth of pay.)

[marvellouslymadmim]

Hey! Aspiring fanfic writer here; I was wondering if you could talk a bit about your writing/editing process and how long it all takes.

Thanks!

Welp, roughly the same extremely long amount of time it takes to actually answer an ask, tbh 🙃

So...I only know how my brain works, and I can only tell you what works for me might not work for you, and that's OK. I'm breaking into two separate bits, because I almost never do writing and editing at the same time.

And as far as a timeline, honestly it just depends. On life factors, what my hormones are doing at the time (jfc like the week before my period, I have zero creativity, motivation, or attention span), if I'm having trouble with a particular scene, if I'm getting consistent positive feedback (yes, I can totally admit that I write faster when I know a particular reviewer is following along with every update), etc.

WRITING:

First, you gotta just...be fixated, I guess. Particularly if it's an AU, I sit with it for a long time before I ever write a word. I go over scenes, think about how the world changes, what stays the same, what *has* to stay the same to keep the characters true to their canon personalities. I sit with the characters for a long time, too--not just the main characters, but the supporting cast, too. In order to predict someone's future, you have to know their past. Most of our present actions are actually reactions to past events, when you think about it. The better you know your version of the character, the easier every other aspect of writing will be. I don't know how it is for other people, but I don't ever "feel" like I'm writing. I feel like I'm "witnessing", and the characters are simply doing whatever they wish. (***this is gonna be a thing during the editing process, too, so hang on to that)

Then once I have a general idea, I choose a title. Generally, I do not even start a word document until I have a proper title to put on it. The title is part of the theme and aesthetic to me, and it grounds me in the overall arc.

Once that's done, it's time for outlining. I generally wait until I feel this weird almost tingling in my left arm (weirder still bc I'm right handed) and I'm practically vibrating with a need to WRITE THIS STORY NOW. Then I put on some Bear McCreary (honestly, any videogame soundtrack will do, as they are literally designed to help you maintain focus and keep pace) and fucking go to town. For me, it helps to do this with pen and paper, so that I can go back up and squiggle little notes in the margin, rearrange the order, etc, far faster than I could on a computer.

Important note: the outline is not the end-all be-all. Some things don't make it to the final print. Some minor storylines get tossed or characters simply...take a different path than I expect. I will continue re-writing and updating the outline as I go along. On average, I usually have 5-8 outlines per story, and they're often 3-10 pages long. I also have a posted outline, which is a log of all the scenes that did make it to the final product. 

Then, it's the actual writing, at long last. I have found that I write best at the start of my day, before the noise and static of daily life comes in. So I wake up around 5am and spend 90minutes writing before beginning my workday routine. I have the Word app on my phone and may continue adding bits in throughout the day at work, if I get a moment. However, after 5pm my brain is usually fried and no more creativity happens. On weekends, I try to have one morning where I "sleep in" til 6am, and then write until at least 10am, sometimes 2pm, if I can get away with it.

The hardest part still is knowing when to transition and when to skip to the next chapter/scene/whatever. This is like...zero percent helpful, but I liken it to Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart's definition of pornography: "I know it when I see it." It may seem like a scene is circling, and sometimes it means you gotta leave the room a bit earlier bc the scene has already served its purpose. Other times, it means ya gotta stay with it a bit longer, because there's something the character is trying to say. Give them patience, and give yourself patience, too. Explore the scene and its dynamics. You won't know til you know and even then, sometimes you won't be entirely sure. That's ok, too. Part of the process. Remember editing will happen and you can decide then (hell, you can literally re-edit after it's been published, I've done that before too and added a note on the next chapter for any readers who might have read the first version 🤷🏻‍♀️ not ideal but still functional).

EDITING:

I do simple edits (spelling, grammar, etc) just about every morning as I reread what I wrote the day before, which is a refresher course for the day's writing session. But big "real" editing generally doesn't happen until right before posting.

Now, here's the ***issue from writing: sometimes, something just "doesn't work" in a scene. Again, you'll know it when you see it. The words a character is saying feels clunky. The pacing feels off. Something just...ain't right. More often than not, it means either I haven't truly sat with a character long enough to know their true motivations/backstory, or I am not giving characters the proper time/space/impediment to make the actions or say the things they're currently making/saying. I'm trying to force the flow, rather than letting it ebb and breathe when it needs to.

Absolute ProTip: You spent HOURS writing this scene. It's got some REALLY GOOD moments and lines in it. It doesn't work but you can't just delete it. It's your LIFE. I struggle with this A LOT, and I have found a solution: create a second "outtakes" document to cut and paste those scenes into. Sometimes I still keep moments or bits of dialog. Sometimes I later use bits in a later scene. Sometimes I never look at it again but I still feel secure in knowing that if I wanted to go back and use the original scene instead, I totally can. I don't think I've actually ever gone back to the original, tbh, but it reduced my anxiety about deleting the scene and starting over.

So back to the scene that doesn't work. I take it apart, figure out *at what exact point* it stops working, then work back up a few lines to see where the shift actually begins. More often than not, it's because I'm having characters express their feelings in ways they actually wouldn't. (people very very very rarely actually say what they're thinking/feeling, and you have to relay it in other ways). So I have to keep the internal monologue of what they're actually feeling/thinking, while figuring out how that actually translates via tone, body language, and what they do and don't say.

The "something ain't working stage" can take LITERAL WEEKS. I sometimes have to walk away for awhile, or tackle it only on days when I know I have hours upon hours to truly work on it. I keep circling back around, and eventually, the knot works itself out. Persistence, and insistence that "good enough" isn't actually good enough, are key. (this is why you have to fixated on the story you want to tell--because some days, it's going to take every ounce of that obsession to keep you going and keep you on the track of telling the story you wanted to tell, rather than settling or switching to an easier tack)

Sometimes, editing is a breeze. I don't change much, I may go a little more into the character's inner world here or there. Once you've been doing this for awhile, you'll just know when a story hits all its marks--and you'll also know when it's not, when it could be more or do more, and you can figure out how to get it there. There isn't a precise formula for it, it's more like cooking without an actual recipe to follow--a dash here, a bit there, you'll know it when you taste it.

And I'll leave you with this unsolicited bit: just write. Write often, write about everything, write what makes YOU passionate and happy, and absolutely write for yourself. Edit the fuck out of it, if you need to. Get a beta reader, if you need to. Get someone to just bounce ideas off, if you need to. And don't post it until you're truly ready and it's something you genuinely want to share. If someone gives constructive criticism, take in on the chin and move on (keep the notes, if you think they're valid, and toss em if you don't--you'll never be everyone's style of writer, so know that sometimes, people just won't be the target audience). Know that you'll grow and you'll learn and you'll find your own voice and like any skill, you'll develop a second nature about it--all those parts where I say "you'll know it when you see it" or "you'll feel it" absolutely come from spending a literal lifetime (28 years) writing stories, and thirteen years of writing fanfic in particular. It's ok if you don't see it or feel it right away. It takes practice. And you will have an audience at every skill level, no matter what (finding that audience? different story altogether...).

All totaled, this process can take anywhere from 3months to over a year. Stories are like children, I've found: they each develop at their own pace, and some may need more time and assistance than others. But they're still pretty wonderful. (except the bratty stories. they're the worst 🙄)

[debbiechanclub]

Best Two Out of Three, Part 16

Well, it’s late AF but I SAID I’d get it posted! And it’s a monster. And, pardon my French, but I’m damn fucking proud of it. (And thank you SO MUCH to @what-does-mine-say for her help!!!)

I just hope you all don’t hate me (or Alex for that matter) after reading it *nervous laughter*

Best Two Out of Three

Part: 16/26

Pairing: Kenny Omega x OFC x Cash Wheeler and Adam Page x OFC

Warnings: Language because it’s me; tremendous amounts of angst; anxiety; drinking and allusions to alcoholism; … and cheating *cries*

Word count: 7.7k

Catch up on previous parts here.

When Callie arrived back at the house from her run, she’d expected to hear the lawnmower. The grass was getting bad, and she’d asked Adam last night to please cut it that morning before it got too hot. But as she walked up the front porch and back into the house, it was silent. Too silent.

She pulled out her ear buds and set them with her phone on the kitchen island before marching upstairs to their bedroom. It was nearly 11, and if he was still asleep—

But when she burst into their bedroom, she found their king-sized bed empty and unmade. Her brow furrowed. She glanced toward the master bath; that was dark and empty, too. She turned and went back downstairs, searching through the house. He wasn’t in the den or the garage, or anywhere else that she could see. Finally, she peered through the sliding glass door into the backyard. Anger bubbled up inside her. Adam sat at the patio table, an open beer can in his hand.

The glass door gave an angry whir as Callie slid it open. Adam didn’t even so much as glance in her direction, too occupied with his phone. “Are you seriously drinking? It’s not even eleven, Adam.”

“It’s Miller Lite,” he dismissed with a roll of his eyes. “It’s practically water.”

Callie’s eyebrows arched. The question flew out of her mouth before she could stop it. “But is it your first?”

Adam’s gaze flicked up to meet hers. “Are you serious?”

For a moment, Callie was struck dumb by the darkness in his eyes. They held a storm of emotion—anger, hurt, betrayal. He’d never looked at her like that, and a wave of regret surged up through her. But she steeled herself against it. As much as it hurt her to see him in such a state, she knew it would only get worse if she didn’t say something.

“Yes, I’m serious,” she returned. “I know you’re upset about all the shit with Kenny and Alex, but it’s getting out of hand, Adam. You’ve been drinking more and more the last few weeks. I don’t think I’ve seen you without a drink in your hand since we got back from Jacksonville. Do you know how many empty beer cans and whiskey glasses I’ve cleaned up the last few days?”

He looked back down at his phone. “Well, no one asked you to clean them up,” he bluntly returned with a sip of his beer. It stunned her again. And then, it angered her.

“No, they didn’t,” she shot. “But I guess I’m the only one around here who cares. Do I need to mow the lawn, too?”

Adam abruptly slammed the beer can down onto the table, making Callie flinch. When he spoke, his voice came out eerily calm. “I’m a grown-ass man, Callie. Don’t talk to me like I’m a child in my own damn house.”

He stood up and stalked toward the patio door, not looking at her as he passed. She followed after him as he went inside. “Babe, please just talk to me.”

“I really don’t want to,” he said, moving toward the garage.

“Why not?”

He whirled around to face her. “Because I just don’t! Okay? Just let me deal with my shit how I want to deal with it!”

He glared down at her, and the look on his face sent Callie’s heart into her throat.  If his eyes had been dark before, they were downright unrecognizable now. This wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. She didn’t know who this person was.

“Well if this is how you want to deal with it, then I don’t want to be around it.”

She pushed past him and grabbed her phone off the kitchen island and her keys off the hook on the wall next to the garage door. Tears filled her eyes as she left and climbed into her car. She wasn’t sure what hurt worse: knowing that Adam was hurting, or knowing that he didn’t want her help to take away the pain.

* * * * * * * * * *

Alex was trying every trick in the book to clear her head. She’d gotten up with the sun and gone for a run despite absolutely hating it. She’d cleaned her kitchen and bathroom and vacuumed the entire house. She’d taken a long, hot shower. Now, she was going through her entire wardrobe, getting rid of the things she didn’t wear and reorganizing the rest. But no matter what she tried she couldn’t distract herself from what she’d done.

She’d kissed Kenny, not the other way around. She’d grabbed him and kissed him, aching to feel him in that moment, and she’d only broken away at the prospect of getting caught. How much further would she have gone if she hadn’t heard those voices in the hall? Would she have kept kissing him? Would she have straddled his lap, let him carry her into the bathroom and fuck her on the sink? She liked to believe she wouldn’t, but she wasn’t sure. And she hated herself for that.

And Cash. She’d hidden it from him—all too easily. After his match she’d kissed him like her life depended on it, and he’d changed without even taking a shower so they could get back to the hotel as quickly as possible. She’d had bruises on her thighs from how hard he’d gripped her, her back pressed flat against the shower wall, teeth biting into his shoulder and her legs wrapped tight around him as he’d thrust deep into her. It had been the best sex they’d had yet; and she’d thought of Kenny as soon as it was over. She hated herself for that even more.

She grabbed a dress she hadn’t worn in over a year from off its hanger and walked out of her closet to toss it onto the quickly growing donate pile on her bed. It was probably a side effect of her guilty conscience, but she felt like purging everything and buying a whole new wardrobe. She walked over to her dresser and jerked open the bottom drawer where she kept all the t-shirts she never wore and started pulling them out onto the floor. But she suddenly stopped when she grabbed a pink and orange tie-dyed shirt that had been shoved into the back.

She sat back on her heels and smoothed out the fabric across her lap. The words “Daytona Beach” were printed in arched white lettering across the front. She’d completely forgotten she had that shirt; Kenny had bought it for her that day at the boardwalk. And now that she saw it, all the memories tied to it came flooding back in a rush.

She pushed herself to her feet and walked over to her nightstand and pulled open the drawer. She’d dropped Kenny’s locket in there as soon as she’d gotten home two days ago, and she’d managed to leave it there, out of sight and out of mind. But now she pulled it out and opened it.

Her stomach fluttered as she looked at the picture. She remembered that moment like it was yesterday. Kenny had put his arm around her waist and hugged her close on the photobooth bench. He’d smirked down at her and asked, “Are you really mad at me?” She’d pouted and turned to tell him, “Yes,” but he’d kissed her before she could. And she’d forgotten all about him wiping the floor with her on every game in that arcade.

She closed the locket and slipped the chain over her neck as she moved to her full-length mirror. The chain was long, and the locket hung below her chest, halfway to her belly button. She was impressed with how well Kenny had done; it was exactly her style. And as she looked at herself in the mirror, she had a thought.  

She grabbed her phone off her bed and walked back to the mirror. She mussed her long brown hair just so and half-tucked her oversized tank top into her cutoff shorts, adjusting it so that her lacy bralette peeked out of the low-cut neck, and struck a flattering pose. She must have taken twenty photos before she finally got one she liked. It was definitely a little bit sexy; but honestly, that was what she wanted. She opened up Instagram, chose the photo from her gallery, and typed up a caption. Feeling cute, might delete later #ootd. And then she hit “post.” To everyone else, it would just look like a typical girly Instagram post. But when Kenny saw the locket around her neck, he would know.

She tossed her phone back onto the bed and went back to cleaning out her dresser. She got through the rest of the t-shirts and most of the next drawer before she couldn’t stop herself from looking anymore.

She picked up her phone and opened Instagram. The picture already had a few dozen likes, mostly from fans but a few from friends. Trent had already commented. Your pockets are longer than your shorts. She rolled her eyes.

A new notification popped up and she immediately opened it. Cash had liked the photo and commented with a heart eyes emoji. Alex’s heart sank, suddenly feeling guilty for even getting the idea to post the picture. But, suddenly, another notification came in: kennyomegamanx liked your photo.

Her heart sped up. A few seconds later, her phone chirped with a text—from Kenny.

Fuck, Alex. I wasn’t expecting that. Do you know what you’re doing to me right now?

Alex bit her lip as she read the message, over and over again. It was bold, and she had enabled it. But before she could decide what the hell she should do, if anything at all, another text came in—from Cash.

Good lord, sweetheart. I’m about to get in my car and not stop until I’m at your house and in those cutoffs.

Alex threw her phone to the bed like it was on fire. She ran her hands through her hair. “What the fuck are you doing?” she breathed. But, suddenly, her phone rang. She stole a glance at the screen, terrified it was Kenny or Cash—but it was Callie.

She picked it up and answered it, welcoming the unexpected interruption. “Hello?”

“Hey. Are you busy?”

Her voice was thick; she sounded upset. Alex’s brow furrowed. “No. I’m actually trying to make myself busy,” she admitted with a wry laugh. “Why? What’s going on?”

Callie drew in a shaky breath. Was she crying? “I know this is last minute and you don’t exactly live right down the road… but I’d really appreciate it if you came over.”

“Yeah,” Alex immediately said. “Of course. Should I pack a bag or anything?”

She didn’t answer right away. “If you want,” she eventually said.

Alex chewed her lip. “Okay. Is everything alright?”

It seemed like a stupid question; it certainly didn’t sound like everything was alright. But, whatever it was, Callie didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. “We’ll talk about it when you get here,” she said.

“Okay,” Alex said again. “See you in a couple hours.”

They said goodbye and hung up. Alex navigated back to Cash’s text and typed up a quick reply. Hold that thought. Callie just called and asked me to come over. She sounded upset.

She hit send—and then she pulled up Kenny’s text again. She opened the emoji keyboard and looked at the frequently used tab. The very first one was the kissing face emoji. She’d recently sent it—to Cash. Her thumb hovered over it, tempted to send it to Kenny. But she thought better of it and closed out of her messages and locked her phone, hurrying to pack a bag and get out the door.

* * * * * * * * * *

Callie had texted Alex to meet her at a grocery store parking lot about twenty minutes from the house. If there was one complaint she had about living out in Middle-of-Nowhere, Virginia, it was that it took at least twenty minutes to get to anything; it certainly wasn’t like that where she was from in California, and she still hadn’t gotten used to it. But she’d trade every convenience in the world for Adam. He was her world. But, right now, she didn’t feel like she was his.

She sat in her car staring at her phone, hoping he would call or text, getting angrier by the second. Didn’t he care where she was? She’d been gone for hours. She opened up Instagram and started scrolling, hoping to distract herself, and when she got bored with that she turned to Twitter. She was typing a snarky reply to something Britt had tweeted when someone knocked on her window, making her jump. She looked up. It was Alex.

She jumped out of the car, nearly hitting Alex with the door as she opened it, and threw her arms around her neck.

“Okay, you’re kinda scaring me now,” Alex awkwardly returned; she clearly hadn’t expected to be ambushed with a hug. “What’s going on?”

Callie could feel the tears rising from her stomach to her throat, threatening to spill. “Adam and I got into it this morning. I walked out right before I called you. I’ve been gone for hours and he doesn’t even seem to care.”

Alex relaxed and returned the embrace. “Why’d you get into it?”

“His drinking.” Callie sniffled as she pulled away. Her eyes shone with unshed tears. “It’s gotten completely out of hand. It’s all he ever seems to do anymore, and he won’t talk to me or let me help him…”

Her voice broke, and Alex immediately pulled her into another hug as the tears finally broke forth. “Why is he drinking?” she asked.

Callie pulled away again, wiping her cheeks dry. “Kenny,” she said. “He feels guilty about setting you up with Cash now that he knows how Kenny feels. And Kenny’s behavior isn’t helping.”

Alex seemed to freeze when she said that, her eyes wide and her jaw tight. But before Callie could ask, she said, “Come on. I’ll take care of it.”

* * * * * * * * * *

Twenty minutes later, Alex didn’t wait for Callie before she climbed out of her Jeep and moved toward the front door of Callie and Adam’s house. Callie hurried to catch up with her as she let herself in.

“Where is he?” Alex asked.

“I’m not sure,” Callie said. “Probably in the backyard.”

Alex walked into the kitchen and got a glass out of one of the cabinets. She turned on the sink and filled it to the top with water.

“What’re you doing?” Callie asked.

She gave her a look. “Sobering him up.”

She walked purposefully toward the back of the house and out the sliding glass door. Adam sat with his eyes closed on one of the patio couches in front of the fire pit, his boots propped up on the ottoman, a beer can clutched in his hand. He didn’t even stir as Alex marched right up to him and threw the entire glass of water in his face.

“What the fuck?!” He sat up, sputtering. He blinked his eyes open against the light and water. “Alex?” he asked in confusion and anger. “What the fuck was that for?”

“For being a fucking jerk,” she returned. “For being passed out drunk in your backyard.”

“I’m not—” he cut himself off with a groan as he wiped the water from his face. “What the fuck are you even doing here?”

“Callie called me crying and asked me to come over,” she said with a motion toward Callie. “Did you even realize she was gone for more than two fucking hours?”

Adam cast his gaze regretfully at Callie. But he had nothing to say for himself. Alex let out a breath. She walked over to Callie and squeezed her shoulder. “Give us a minute, alright?”

She nodded. Her eyes were full of hurt as she looked briefly at Adam before turning and going back into the house. Alex made sure she’d closed the door behind her before she walked back over and sat down next to Adam on the couch, setting the empty glass on the ottoman. Adam spoke first.

“Did she really call you crying?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “Fuck,” he breathed. “What did she say?”

“That your drinking’s gotten out of hand. That you’re self-medicating because you feel guilty about me and Kenny and won’t talk to her about it.”

For a long time, Adam didn’t say anything. When he finally did speak, he couldn’t look at her. “He blames me, Alex. He thinks I’m the reason that you two aren’t together anymore. And he’s not wrong.”

Alex’s face fell, suddenly becoming conscious of the weight of Kenny’s locket around her neck. She hadn’t bothered to take it off before running out of her house to meet Callie. She gripped the locket in her hand, worried that somehow Adam would know what it was. Know what she’d done after Dynamite that week. “Why do you think he blames you?”

“Because he fucking told me he does,” he returned with a look at her. His eyes were glassy. “He called me a guilty drunk.”

Her brow furrowed. “When?”

“After the fight at the hotel. I went to his room to talk to him. He thought I’d called him over to rub you and Cash in his face.”

Alex’s heart sank when she saw the look on Adam’s face. He was lost, broken, hurt. And then she realized: this wasn’t really about her and Kenny. It was about him and Kenny.              

She scooted closer and pulled him into a hug. “You’re not a guilty drunk,” she assured. “You’re a good friend. Everything you did was done with good intentions. I know Kenny can’t see that now… but he will.”

Adam didn’t say anything in return. He just gripped her tight, clinging to her like a lifeline. It worried Alex. She’d never seen him like this. She’d witnessed his anxiety countless times before, the way he tended overthink and constantly doubt himself, but this was deeper. She wished she could take some of it on herself, help unburden him, if only for a moment.

Eventually, he let her go. He looked so tired. So defeated. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s better this way.”

She cocked her head at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I’ve felt like a black sheep for six months now,” he said. “Maybe longer. I don’t fit in with Kenny and Matt and Nick. That’s why I’ve been hanging out with Dax and Cash; I fit in with them. I know them, they accept me for who I am. And I feel like Kenny and the Bucks don’t. So I don’t know. Maybe I should just cut my losses.”

Alex frowned. “Trust me, I know how you feel.”

“What?” He gave her a confused look. “You and Best Friends are four peas in a fucking pod.”

A corner of her mouth quirked up. “No, I don’t mean them,” she clarified. “When I was… involved with Kenny last year, the entire time I felt like Matt and Nick hated me; especially Matt. It just seemed like they didn’t think I was good enough for Kenny. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if they influenced him against me.”

“Like I did with you against Kenny,” Adam muttered.

She pursed her lips. “The point I’m trying to make is that I know exactly how exclusive Kenny and the Bucks can act. But they let you into their circle for a reason. Yeah, you’re different from them in a lot of ways. But that doesn’t mean you don’t fit in. It just means you bring something unique to the table that none of them do. And if they don’t appreciate that… then that’s on them.”

Adam looked down at the ground. Alex wasn’t sure if he believed what she was telling him, but when he looked back at her his eyes seemed a little brighter. “Remember how we always used to talk about being a tag team? Maybe it’s time we finally did it.”

Alex gave a sarcastic laugh. “I’m sure Kenny would love that.”

He returned her grin, but it faded fast. “Thank you for being there for Callie,” he said. “I know I’m in the fucking doghouse now.”

She shook her head. “Just talk to her. That’s all she wants.”

He reached out and grabbed her hand. “Thank you, Alex,” he said again. “You’re my best friend, you know that?”

She squeezed his hand back. “I know. Don’t let Chuck hear you say that, though.”

“I don’t care, I’ll fight him.”

She smiled and pulled him into another hug. “No more drinks the rest of the day, alright?”

“Deal,” he agreed. They unwrapped their arms from around each other. “Do you want to stay for dinner, or something? You came all the way out here.”

Alex shook her head as she pushed her hair behind her ear. “No; I’ll give you two your privacy. Besides, I think the drive back will help clear my head.”

His brows knitted together when she said that. “Is everything alright?”

She pressed her mouth into a thin line. No, everything was not alright. But there was no way she could tell Adam what had happened with Kenny, not after what he’d just told her about all he was going through with The Elite. So she just said, “It’s just stuff. I’m an anxious millennial, too.”

Adam looked like he didn’t quite believe her; but, thankfully, he let it go. “Alright. Well text me when you get home.”

“I will.”

They exchanged goodbyes, and Alex went back into the house and exchanged a few reassuring words with Callie before going out the door and climbing back into her Jeep. And as she got on the road and started the two-hour drive back home, she rolled down the windows and cranked up the music, hoping it would take her away to another place.

* * * * * * * * * *

Alex closed her eyes and pulled her legs into her chest as she sunk back into her cubby hole in the locker room, making herself small. She breathed in through her nose and exhaled through her mouth, trying desperately to just focus on the moment in front of her. She’d been ruminating all day—all week—teetering on the edge of an anxiety attack ever since she’d set foot into Daily’s Place. And she had no one to blame but herself.

Cash knew something was wrong. She’d told him she was nervous about his match that night, which wasn’t entirely untrue—FTR was teaming with The Elite against Dark Order in a 12-man tag match. He’d assured her that it would be alright; he was more than capable of putting his issues with Kenny aside for the sake of the match. But his assurance had only made her feel worse. The issues he knew were just the tip of the iceberg.

Alex had tried not to text Kenny back after he’d responded to her Instagram post. She’d tried to put it out of her mind, and she’d damn near succeeded. But, later that night, long after she’d returned home from Callie and Adam’s, Kenny had sent another message: Why’d you post that picture? And she hadn’t been able to stop herself from answering: Because I was thinking of you.

It had been a slippery slope from there.

I can’t ever stop thinking of you.

We shouldn’t do this.

You’re the one who posted that picture. You wanted me to see it.

I’m going to sleep.

Goodnight, baby.

I dreamed about you last night.

A good dream or a bad dream?

A good one. A not PG one.

And what did you do when you woke up?

Do you have to ask?

Did you think of me?

Yes.

Do you think of me when you’re with him?

Kenny, stop. This isn’t right.

That’s not a no.

She’d deleted the texts before going to Cash’s place the next day; and, somehow, that made her feel even guiltier than sending them. It meant she had something to hide. It proved that Kenny still held a part of her heart even while she was falling in love with Cash. And she knew that if she didn’t figure out who she wanted to give her heart to completely, she’d be left with nothing but a gaping hole in her chest.

Someone nudged her knee. She opened her eyes. Chuck stood in front of her. “Hey. Are you coming out with us for our match against Santana and Ortiz?”

Alex chewed nervously on her lip. But she nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

He smiled. “Cool. We’re on second in case you haven’t seen the card.”

Alex just nodded. She knew they were on second—right after FTR and The Elite’s match against Dark Order. The thought of that alone made her anxious.

 Her phone vibrated in her hand. She looked down at the screen and felt herself stumble closer to the edge. It was a text from Kenny.

Meet me in the EVP room. Please.

Her mouth went dry. She knew she shouldn’t go even as she stood and told Chuck she’d be right back. She knew she should turn around with every step she took closer and closer to the EVP room. She knew she shouldn’t raise her fist and knock even as she did, and she definitely knew she shouldn’t have gone in and closed the door as soon as she saw Kenny sitting on the couch, alone.

“Hey.” He stood and met her halfway, and the next thing Alex knew his hands were on her face and his lips on hers. It was a different kiss entirely from the one they’d shared last week, tender and slow instead of desperate and hungry, and, for a few seconds, she returned it. But then she thought of Cash and pushed him away.

“No; we can’t do this, Kenny.”

She took a step back, afraid that if she didn’t he’d pull her right back into his orbit. Even now she could feel it tugging at her heart.

He breathed a laugh. “Yeah, you keep saying that. Yet here you are.”

Her shoulders slumped. She had no good answer for that. He was right.

He took a step closer. She didn’t move. “Why post that picture?” He gripped her hips, drawing her into him. “Why tell me that you got yourself off thinking about me if you don’t want this?”

“I’m not cheating on Cash.”

“So break up with him.”

Her breath hitched in her throat. “It’s not that simple.”

He looked to the ceiling, let her go and took a step back. “Right. Of course it’s not,” he breathed. “But it was simple when you ended things with me to start seeing him.”

Alex’s eyebrow arched. Hurt. “No, it wasn’t.”

“Wasn’t it?”

“No,” she repeated. “That was the hardest fucking conversation I’ve ever had. And it’s not fair of you to compare that to this. That was different.”

“How? How was it different?”

“Because we weren’t together. I didn’t cheat on you with Cash.”

“Oh bullshit, Alex,” he shot. “We were together.”

“For a week. I’ve been with Cash for over a month now.”

“And yet, here you are.”

Again, she was at a loss. She was here with him because a part of her wanted to be. But another part of her knew it was wrong.

He stepped forward again, cupped her face in his hands. He looked into her eyes, and Alex felt it all the way into her soul. “What do you want, Alex?”

Her answer came out barely above a whisper. “I don’t know.”

The door handle suddenly turned. Alex and Kenny jumped apart from each other just as Matt and Nick walked into the room. They both came to a halt just inside the door, staring back and forth between them. Alex flushed and looked away. If the conspicuous distance between her and Kenny wasn’t a dead giveaway that they’d interrupted something, the awkward silence certainly was.

“Uh, hey guys…” Nick said just to say something. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Alex quickly returned. Too quickly. She glanced at Kenny, “I just had a question… about the women’s tag team tournament. So, I came and asked it.”

Matt and Nick stared blankly back at her. That was a blatant lie; she wasn’t even in the women’s tag team tournament. Her heart pounded in her ears. She needed to leave.

“Well, I’m gonna go,” she said. “Gotta get ready for Chuck and Trent’s match against Santana and Ortiz.”

She didn’t look back at Kenny as she moved toward the door. Matt and Nick stepped aside so she could exit, and she hurried out the door and into the hall, stumbling on the edge, using what little strength she had left to at least make it somewhere private before she broke down.

* * * * * * * * * *

Alex stood next to Callie at Gorilla, her eyes trained on the monitor in front of them, chewing her lip so hard that it started to hurt. Neither of them had said so much as a word to each other since the 12-man tag match had started. They were both far too wrapped up in their own thoughts and concerns about the men in the ring.

She held her breath as Stu Grayson and Nine set up Adam for a double vertical suplex; but Dax and Cash came in for the save, catching Adam before he could hit the mat. Kenny joined them, and they all lined up and hit a four-on-three triple vertical suplex against Grayson, Nine, and Evil Uno. Adam went for the pin—but Colt Cabana flew in and broke it up.

Callie let out a breath. “Well, they’ve actually been working pretty well together so far,” she remarked.

Alex didn’t say anything in response. Much to her surprise, they had been working well together so far, and Dark Order hadn’t been able to get in much offense at all. But Kenny and Cash had also largely avoided each other. It was an easy thing to do in a match with so many people.

Smack!

Shit.” Alex’s hand flew to her mouth. After Colt had broken up the pin attempt, Kenny had given chase to him around the ring—and he’d run straight into a massive superkick from Brodie Lee.

The domination by The Elite and FTR ended at that point. Grayson and Uno isolated Kenny in the ring, taking turns beating him down. Alex almost didn’t want to watch. But then Five tagged in, and Kenny managed to dive for a tag to Dax.

Kenny rolled to the floor outside the ring while FTR went to work on Five. He charged Cash in the corner, but Cash floated over him, rebounded off the ropes, and caught him in a resounding powerslam. Then Grayson ran in, but Cash hit him with a back suplex, followed by a powerful clothesline to take out Evil Uno right after.

“Damn,” Callie smirked at her. “That’s your man.”

Alex’s stomach churned. That was her man. And he had no idea he was sharing her heart with someone else.

They turned their attention back to the match. FTR and Adam were all in the ring. They looked like they were attempting to put simultaneous figure four leg locks on Five, Grayson, and Uno; but before they could, the three members of the Dark Order all kicked them away at once, sending them crashing into each other.

After that, The Elite took over. Kenny returned to the match and worked impeccably with Adam against Five and Grayson, and Nick showed off why he was the best high-flier in the company. But Alex’s eyes were on Cash, watching him as he stood on the ring apron with Dax. It was subtle, but she could tell that he didn’t like standing by while Kenny and the rest of The Elite took all the glory. She was certain it didn’t help when Kenny and Nick started pandering to the camera, chanting, “The Elite! The-the Elite!”

Eventually, Dax tagged in. He grabbed Five and held him across his knee, setting up for Demolition Decapitation. But when Cash delivered the tandem move from the middle rope, Dax fell to the mat, clutching his right knee.

“Oh no,” Callie gasped.

Alex watched in concerned silence as Cash went to check on his partner. Meanwhile, Kenny tagged in and hit a Dr. Wiley Bomb on Five; but other members of Dark Order broke up the pin attempt.

After that, Kenny was left to fend for himself. Cash and the ringside trainer helped Dax to the back—as did Adam. Nick and Matt watched after him as he went, completely confused as to why he was going with them.

So was Callie. “What is he doing?”

Alex didn’t know what to say. She thought back to what Adam had told her that weekend, how he felt more comfortable with FTR than he did The Elite. She wondered if he’d said as much to Callie after she’d left. But then Adam appeared, passing through the Gorilla curtain after FTR and the trainer. Callie sent him a perplexed look.

“Adam, what are you doing?”

He didn’t break his stride as he looked at her over his shoulder. “What?” he returned, as if he didn’t understand why she was asking such a thing. “He’s hurt, Callie.”

Callie gaped back at him. “But your tag team partner is still out there…” she said, more to herself than him. He was already gone.  

They both turned back to the monitor. It was a six-on-three match now, and Dark Order was taking turns beating down Matt. Colt nearly scored the victory for his team after hitting a big splash off the top rope, but Matt kicked out. He got a last burst of energy and did his best to fend them off; Callie cheered when he hit Five with a springboard stunner. Seeing an opening, he tried to tag in Nick—but Evil Uno pulled him to the floor and delivered a brutal belly-to-belly suplex that flattened him.

Once again, Matt was left to keep his team alive. But then a blur ran past Callie and Alex. Adam. He hurried to the ring apron, extending his arm out to Matt. He tagged him in—and Adam went ballistic. He delivered lariats to Grayson and Five before launching himself over the ropes and taking out Colt with a crossbody. Then he jumped back in the ring and delivered another lariat that sent Five over the ropes before running and diving through the ropes in a suicide dive to take out Nine.

Alex stole a glance at Callie. She expected her to be wildly cheering Adam on with the crowd—but she looked confused still. “Where the hell is Kenny?” she suddenly asked.

“There,” Alex said with a nod as he appeared on the other side of the ring apron from where Adam stood. But then Adam climbed atop the turnbuckle and did a moonsault onto all of Dark Order except Brodie—and Mr. Lee was not happy.

Adam picked Five up and tossed him back into the ring, climbing in after him. He threw him face-first into the turnbuckle, goading Brodie to tag in. It worked. He stepped through the ropes and the two men sized each other up. Adam started talking shit, and Alex smirked; that was the Hangman she knew. But then Brodie struck. They started trading big blows in the middle of the ring, but Dark Order gained the upper hand by opening the ropes just as Adam tried to rebound off them, sending him falling to the floor below. Brodie dove through the ropes and hit him like a battering ram, and Adam slammed into the guardrail. But Brodie didn’t waste a second; he immediately threw him back into the ring. The next thing they knew, Adam was draped across Colt’s shoulders as he stood atop the middle rope, a soon-to-be victim of the Chicago Skyline.

He hit the move. Callie and Alex both winced as Adam ricocheted off the turnbuckle and rolled lifelessly to the center of the mat. “Okay seriously, where the fuck is Kenny?” Callie asked again as Colt went for the pin. Her question was answered went Kenny suddenly dove into the ring, breaking up the pin attempt at two.

“Finally!” Callie breathed. She was obviously frustrated. Maybe Adam had told her how he’d been feeling about The Elite, Alex thought.

Kenny and Adam did their best to regain control, but Grayson and Evil Uno hit them with a combination 450 splash and corner cannonball. Kenny rolled out of the ring while Grayson covered Adam—but he kicked out a two.

“Yes!” Callie and Alex both proclaimed. They exchanged a grin.

Grayson tagged in Brodie. But before he could hit Adam with a discus lariat, Matt and Nick jumped into the ring and delivered a Superkick Party just as Adam ducked out of the way. They did the same to Uno and Grayson, clearing the ring of everyone but Brodie.

Kenny slid back into the ring while Adam rolled out of it onto the ramp. Kenny charged and locked his arms behind Brodie’s head, and he and the Bucks hit a combination Superkick Party and snapdragon suplex to the leader of Dark Order.

Kenny pulled Brodie to his knees in the center of the ring and pointed at Adam as he climbed to his feet. Adam ran toward the ropes and flipped into the ring, going for the Buckshot Lariat; but Brodie ducked out of the way, causing him to nearly hit Kenny instead. Alex’s heart dropped into her stomach as Adam turned around. Brodie hit him with a massive lariat that sent him flipping head over heels onto the mat. He covered him, and the ref counted one-two-three.

“Fuck,” Alex breathed. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all.

“Oh my God.” Callie ran her hands through her hair, gripping at the ends. “This is the last thing he needs right now,” she said, just above her breath.

Kenny and the Bucks moved to check on Adam as Dark Order assembled victorious on the entrance ramp. Alex couldn’t watch anymore. “I’m gonna go find Cash,” she said to Callie.

She nodded. “Yeah, go. I’ll deal with this.”

Alex gave her a tight smile as she turned and hurried out of Gorilla. She really did want to go find Cash and see if Dax was alright. But she also just didn’t want to be there when Kenny came back through the curtain.

* * * * * * * * * *

Later that night, Alex laid in bed with Cash in their hotel room, scrolling through her Twitter timeline on her phone. The room was quiet—almost awkwardly so. But there was far too much weighing on her right now. Keeping her mouth shut seemed like the safest option, no matter how much it pained her.

Her timeline was inundated with tweets about the 12-man tag match, hours after it had happened. She came across one speculating about Dax’s injury; thankfully, he’d just tweaked his knee. But it was bad enough that the trainer had told him he needed to rest it for the next few days.

She abruptly stopped scrolling when she came across a video of Adam nearly nailing Kenny with the Buckshot Lariat. She watched it a few times over with the sound off, trying to gauge Kenny’s reaction; but it was too hard to tell. She hoped Kenny knew it was a complete accident. She hoped Adam didn’t blame himself for the loss.

Suddenly, Cash took her phone and gently pulled it out of her hands. She gave him a confused look as he set it on the nightstand with his. “What’re you doing?”

He didn’t say anything; he just pulled her closer and kissed her. His tongue parted her lips, tasting her, and Alex welcomed his touch. She ran her hand up the back of his neck and threaded her fingers through his hair, relishing the feel of him. He moved his mouth to her neck. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he murmured against her skin.

She went rigid and then instantly tried to relax again, hoping he hadn’t noticed. “Nothing’s wrong,” she lied.

“Yes there is.” He pulled back and looked down at her. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”

Alex’s heart dropped into her stomach. There was more than just concern in Cash’s eyes as he stared into hers. There was love. And suddenly, she knew she couldn’t hide it from him anymore.

“I kissed Kenny.”

She almost couldn’t hear herself say it, her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears. But she didn’t miss the way Cash’s expression changed. Confusion. Disbelief. “What?”

Tears sprung into Alex’s eyes, burning her sinuses. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.    

He sat up, pulling away from her. His sudden distance made the air feel cold. “When?”

“Last week,” she said. The rest of it came tumbling out in a rush. “I went to talk to him during your match about something Matt Jackson had said to me earlier in the day. But when I got there he gave me a locket he’d had made for me. He told me he’s in love with me.”

Cash sat up further. “What?”

Tears fell from her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I was overwhelmed and I wasn’t thinking—”

She abruptly stopped when Cash flung back the covers and sprung out of bed. Alex watched as he haphazardly pulled on a pair of sweats. She felt herself start to panic. “What’re you doing?”

He didn’t justify her with a response. Instead, he charged out the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Alex sat there for a second, stunned in the deafening silence. And then she realized exactly what he was doing.

She scrambled out from under the covers and ran out the door after him. He was already halfway down the hall. Headed straight for Kenny’s room.

“Cash, wait!” she begged, shouting after him. But he didn’t stop—not until he was in front of Kenny’s door. Alex moved her legs faster.

He balled up a fist and banged so hard on the door that it reverberated down the hall. “Open up, Kenny!” he yelled, deep and angry in his chest.

“Please don’t do this,” Alex pleaded. Kenny opened the door just as she reached him.

“What the f—”

He didn’t get to finish before Cash punched him hard in the mouth.

Kenny stumbled back into the room and fell to the floor. Cash was on him in an instant. He grabbed him by the hair and hit him again.

“STOP!” Alex bellowed. Suddenly, Matt and Nick came flying from next door. They charged into the room and forcefully pried Cash off of Kenny.

“Get the fuck off me!” Cash shouted as they struggled to hold him back. He was enraged. “Who the fuck do you think you are, Kenny? Huh? Telling another man’s girlfriend you’re in love with her?”

Kenny smirked up at him. His mouth was red with blood. “What?” he taunted. “Are you worried about it?”

Cash tried to lunge at him again, but Matt managed to force him out the door and into the hall, nearly bowling over Alex in the process. Nick slammed the door closed, staying in the room with Ken. Matt gave Cash a final hard shove before pointing a stern finger in his face.

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get the fuck outta here.”

But Cash wasn’t intimidated. “Oh yeah? What’re you gonna do, Matt? Suspend me?”

Matt took a threatening step forward. “I’ll fucking fire you.”

Alex stood rooted to her spot, petrified, afraid to even breathe as the two men stared each other down. She’d never seen Matt so angry, and she didn’t doubt for a second that he would fire Cash. But, thankfully, Cash swallowed his pride and turned and stalked back off down the hall without another word.

It took a second for Alex to get her legs to work so she could follow after him. “Cash, wait,” she said again—and again, he didn’t stop or look back. She hurried to keep up with him. As soon as they were back inside their room, he whirled around to face her, stopping her dead. His eyes were hard.

“You kissed him?”

She had to swallow a lump in her throat before she could answer. “Yes.”

He let out a breath, ran a hand through his hair. He turned and walked further into the room. “Did anything else—” but he cut himself off, shaking his head. “Actually, no. I don’t even want to know. Because I knew—I knew you weren’t over him.”

The accusation knocked the air from Alex’s lungs. She felt hollow. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t breathe.

He looked back at her. And as they stared at each other from across the room, Alex realized that the hardness in his eyes wasn’t out of anger. It was out of hurt. “Alex… you need to figure out who you want: me or him.”

She took a step forward. “I want—”

“No,” he shook his head, cutting her off. “Don’t say you want me because it’s the right thing to say right now. You need to think about it. And so do I.”

He turned away from her again. “Cash…”

“You should probably sleep somewhere else tonight.”

That was the final blow. It cut her legs out from underneath her, gutted her from pelvis to sternum. And it felt like she’d done it to herself.

She walked over to the nightstand and grabbed her phone. Their gaze met as he sat down on the bed. His eyes were glassy.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, and she turned and went out the door with a gaping hole in her chest where her heart should have been.