#fuck the anime boys i want more IN GAME GRIM CONTENT

[thiswasinevitableid]

Indruck 22 for the meet uglies?

Here you go! I went SFW on this one

you’re on a date with this awful, awful person who keeps getting under my skin because my friend and I have been eavesdropping all night and your date says something that makes me snap … I thought it was a first date, not a three year relationship

“...such a waste of money. I mean, why spend all that to get something tacky on your skin?”

Indrid rolls his eyes at Barclay from across the counter of the Amnesty Lodge coffee shop, the cooks arms and hands sporting a plethora of tattoos rivaled only by Indrid’s collection.

“I dunno, l like the one I got.” The other man--who seems to be on the worst first date of his life--shrugs.

“You honestly think you and Juno couldn’t have spent that money on something else in college?”

“I mean maybe but, uh, we were earnin our own cash, figured we got to decide what to spend it on.”

“Hmmmm” the first guy sips his coffee, “sounds like a typical excuse for someone who doesn’t want to admit a mistake.”

“C’mon, that ain’t fair-”

“Ugh, stop saying ain’t! I can’t take someone who talks like that to meet my family.” Before the target of his disdain can respond, he snaps his fingers, “hey, buddy, can I get a refill or what?”

“The station for black coffee refills is right there, sir.” Barclay indicates the very obvious corner of dispensers, his voice the kind of calm that Indrid knows means he’s memorizing this guys face to warn other staff about.

They earn a brief reprieve while The Asshole leaves the table. When he returns, he’s shaking his head.

“God, have you looked at the photos they’ve got up? Who the fuck wants to look at bones?”

Indrid quickly glances at his friend to be sure he’s permitted to start a fight. Barclay nods.

“Quite a lot of people.” Indrid spins on his stool. “I’ve sold a number of them just from the display here. So perhaps you could keep your rude, unclultured, close-minded, obnoxious mouth shut.”

The man balks, looks to his companion for help. He offers none, mouth trying to form words and only coming out with halves of ones (except for the “fucks” which are plentiful).

“Oh my fucking god, you agree with him! That’s it, I’m out.” The Asshole pushes back from the table and storms out. The remaining man leaps up, panicked.

“Fuck.”

“It’s okay man, shitty first dates happen to all of us.” Barclay offers from beside the bakery case.

“I mean yeah, they do, but that wasn’t one of ‘em. That was my boyfriend of three fuckin years.” He dashes out of the shop, sparing a final glare at Indrid as he does.

Indrid trades a sheepish look with his friend, “Oops.”

-------------------------------------------------

“I’m glad you finally get to meet Duck!” Aubrey grins over her shoulder as she and Indrid wind down the hall at the office Kepler magazine.

Founded by childhood friends, Kepler worked a combination of print and video content that saw its subscribers and revenue climb while other publications struggled to stay afloat. Aubrey was head of the video team, though she contributed content to the magazine in the form of interviews about environmental activists of color and sustainable gift guides.

Kepler has three sections: travel, science, and environmental writing. Indrid now has the honor of being one of their primary photographers. He started two weeks ago and is thoroughly enjoying his work and the company of the other staff. The only person he’s yet to meet is Duck Newton, one of the founders and main reporters, as he was off on an assignment.

Aubrey knocks, gets a friendly “come in” and ushers Indrid into the office.

Looking at him from behind the desk is The Asshole’s Boyfriend, whose face goes from open and friendly to confused, then to perturbed.

“You okay?”

“I, uh, fuck, n-ye.” Duck sighs, “remember how I told you Alex and I split after a shitty date in a coffee shop?” He points at Indrid, “this was the fella who, uh, expedited the process.”

“Ohhhh.” Aubrey frowns, then shrugs with a smile, “whelp, he’s our new photographer. We’ll see you around.” She hurries them outside once more, shutting the doors. As they head back the way they came, she whispers, “his ex was a huge fucking dick, so if word gets out everyone is gonna think you’re a fucking hero.”

“He didn’t seem to see it that way.”

“It was only a few weeks ago, so it’s still pretty fresh. He’ll heal from it okay, Duck’s a tough cookie. And I’m sure you guys’ll get along eventually.”

---------------------------------------

“Juno, please, you gotta come with me.”

“I would bud, except it’s April and I’s fifth wedding anniversary that weekend. And no, we already have plans, so we can’t just take over this assignment as part of the celebration.”

“Fuck” Duck leans back in his chair.

“...You really asked everyone?”

“Ye-no, fuck-”

“Duck.”

“I ain’t asked Indrid yet.”

“There it is.” Juno smirks, “you gotta ask; besides, we were gonna have him do illustrations for the feature, but photos would be even better. And we both know it ain’t his fault y’all broke up.”

Duck nods, promises to ask Indrid after lunch. He finds the photographer flipping through his files from his shoot for next issues cover. His silver hair is pulled back, red glasses sitting on the desk beside him so he can gauge color correctly.

Duck kind of wants to pull the silver locks just to see what happens. It’s not his fault Indrid looks like his Sophomore roommate who he had a raging crush on, only with more tattoos and a much more captivating face. Pity he helped fuck up Duck’s last chance at a stable relationship.

“Hey, Indrid, you got a minute?”

The photographer cocks his head.

“I, uh, so we got a feature on this whole chunk of places touting themselves as ‘sustainable romantic getaways. I booked a bunch of places, but a lot of ‘em will turn me away if I turn up solo. And the person I was supposed to go with ain’t an option any more. Neither is anyone else. You get my drift?”

Indrid pinches the bridge of his nose, “you realize this is a terrible idea, yes?”

“Hey, we been workin together just fine. Ain’t we? Wait, fuck, I ain’t been treatin you bad even when I’m tryin to be professional, am I?”

“No, you’ve been perfectly polite. But there’s a world of difference between being cordial in an office and going on what’s functionally a vacation together.”

Duck crosses his arms, “I ain’t about to lose eight hundred bucks in deposits.”

Indrid blinks, then chuckles, “Fair. What day do we leave?”

-------------------------------------------------

The temperature rises and the air dries as they speed south on Five. Indrid fiddles with games on his phone as cover for the list of “will this be a disaster or not” he’s mentally constructing. So far the signs are positive; Duck isn’t very chatty, but neither is Indrid. They have similar tastes in music, which makes much more sense when Duck explains he was a burn-out in high school. He also isn’t agitated by Indrid stimming, which makes it easier for the photographer to relax and enjoy the drive.

But they haven’t spoken about the elephant in the car, and Indrid resolves not to be the first to do so. No point in poking the sore spot if he doesn’t have to.

They stop at a Sinclair for gas. Duck reaches into his glovebox for something as Indrid climbs out, comes away with a photo instead. It’s one of those ones from a photobooth, faded but unmistakably him and his ex. His face falls for a second and Indrid scurries into the Dairy Queen attached to the convenience store.

As he waits in line, he turns one fact over in his mind like a picture he’s trying to make sense of; it would be easier to let their awkward first meeting go if he did not genuinely like the other man. He’s charming, in a quiet way, and very friendly. He’s built like the guys Indrid always got useless crushes on in college, usually third tier frat boys or--if he was lucky--a bear a few years older than him who liked his men on the odd side.

He doesn’t like seeing Duck sad. The sadness isn’t something he can fix. The stalemate between these two facts annoy the living hell out of him.

He’s next in line, glances up to confirm what he wants, and gets an idea. Last week, he overheard Duck talking with Aubrey about roadtrip snacks of their youth.

“One chocolate dipped cone, on me.” He holds the treat out to the other man.

“Oh. Uh, thanks. These are my favorite from when I was a kid.” Duck’s smile returns.

“I remembered. Or, ah, that is, I remembered you saying that.”

The smile changes, “you didn’t need to.”

“I wanted to. Shall we?”

“Yep. Uh, you gonna be able to drive and eat that at the same time?”

“Do not doubt my ability to consume ice cream under difficult circumstances, Duck Newton.”

They make it to their first stop unscathed. It’s what Duck refers to as, “eco-bespoke,” a fancy spa and hotel built in a former school, the kind that was made in an era of beautiful instead of grim educational architecture.

“Goats!” Indrid claps his hands, delighted, at the two animals stabled near the main building. One of it’s supposed sustainable elements is the small farm that helps feed the on-site restaurant. Duck smirks and Indrid suddenly feels the gulf in their upbringings, “Ah, I suppose they’re not exciting to someone who grew up in a rural town.”

“Nah, but they’re damn cute.” Duck checks the tag on their room keys, “okay, we’re in the green building, room 2B.”

Indrid snaps some photos as they cross the grounds, more to remind himself of things he wants to come back to later than anything else. He’s busy studying a strange mark on the wall by their door when Duck says, “I can sleep on the floor.”

“Why--oh” he stares at the single bed, “in retrospect, we should have seen this coming.”

“Yeah.” Duck drops his bag near the closet, slides the door to look for spare linens. Indrid summons his courage, finds it lacking, and so bolsters it with nonchalance.

“It’s a king, we could easily share.”

“You’d, uh, you’d be okay with that?”

“It is only narrow definitions of masculinity that mean something like sharing a bed is inherently sexual.”

He’s not entirely sure that made sense, but Duck nods, “You want the right side or left?”

“Right, please.”

“Great. And, uh, Indrid? Thanks for rollin with all this. I, uh, I know it’s fuckin weird but this is a huge feature for the magazine and we woulda been fucked if we had to pull it.”

Indrid gingerly sits on his side of the bed, “You’re welcome. And I don;t know about you, but” he smiles, catches Duck watching him intently in the mirror, “I’m enjoying myself so far.”

------------------------------------------------------

“Why has an activity that renders one incapable of using their thighs been deemed ‘romantic?” Indrid mumbles, face-down on the bed to offer his burning legs relief.

“Fuck if I know.” Duck groans as he sits next to him, “Kinda fun, but if I was doin this to get you in bed, I’d be fucked.”

“I am in bed” Indrid teases.

“And if I tried to put the moves of you you’d toss me outta it. Assumin I could even move myself that close.” Duck nudges him, then clears his throat, “uh, I mean, not like we’d be doin that-”

“Nono, point taken.” Indrid rolls over. The horseback ride was one of the “couples exclusives;” a trot out to a beautiful oasis for a gourmet picnic. Indrid got some excellent shots, including one of Duck with honeycomb dripping down his chin, which he will not be offering up to editors but may keep for himself. For it’s beautiful composition, of course.

Mercifully, their next stop is the pool. Indrid settles himself in the hot tub while Duck types some notes on his phone. Then his friend doffs his bathrobe and Indrid may as well be in a dream. In the steaming, echoing paradise of multi-colored tile and ecstatic shouts, Duck stands like one of the angelic fountains at its heart has come to life.

“You okay there, ‘Drid?”

“Yes.” He hopes his lack of glasses means Duck will mistake his blatant staring for trying to get his vision in focus.

“Then scoot your cu--uh, your butt over so I can sit down.”

Indrid gladly moves aside, finds he’s so comfortable with Duck pressed against him that he begins nodding off in the warm lull of the water. When the other man nudges him, saying it’s time to go, he finds a strong arm draped over his shoulder and Duck’s smile the most relaxed it’s been all trip.

Their last task at this location is to locate the speakeasy somewhere on the premises and order the “lovers delight” (only available to couples). To do so, they follow clues purple light bulbs, doors that lead to tiny, art-filled rooms, secret staircases, and a false supply closet to a dark wooded, dimly lit, incredibly pleasant bar looking out over the property. The drink turns out to be a massive goblet (more a bowl that someone stuck on a stem) of ginger syrup, prickly pear juice, and silver tequila.

It also turns out to be incredibly strong. So much so that when they get back to the room, Indrid loses his balance getting his shoes off, which makes Duck laugh, which results in both of them flopping onto the bed.

“S’fun. You’re, you’re real good at the clues. Should, should go to an escape room when we get home.”

“Wasn’t, hic, that hard. They, they want, hic, want you to find it.”

“Take the compliment, goofus” Duck pushes his shoulder.

“You’re, hic, the goofus.”

“Nuh uh.” Duck sticks his tongue out. Indrid does the same, then licks his cheek just to hear him laugh.

Duck rolls onto his back, giggles dying down to a contemplative sigh, “He woulda hated this.”

“Your ex?” Indrid crawls to stay close to him.

“Yeah. Everythin I like, or, or thought was fun, he thought it was a waste of time or just plain worthless. He, he wasn’t like that at the start. Dunno what changed. Probably me. Probably got borin. Got worse.”

Indrid is not so drunk that he believes he can fix this. But he’s just drunk enough to stroke Duck’s cheek and murmur, “No. Nono, hic, you’re th’best.”

He doesn’t remember falling asleep after that, but he must have, because his phone is beeping at them to get up and face the day. They do so with to-go coffees in one hand and their bags in the other, neither speaking of the night before until Indrid has turned the car into deeper desert.

“Sorry for gettin on a thing about Alex last night.”

“It was a three year relationship; goodness knows you’re allowed to have feelings about it.”

“Even relief?”

Indrid glances at him, “Of course.”

His friend leans back in his seat, sipping from his travel mug, “That’s half the reason I been in such a funk. I feel like I oughta be sad, then I feel guilty for the fact I’m relieved instead. But if I really was that unhappy in it, why did I hang around so long? Maybe that was the best I deserved, y’know?”

“I know the feeling, yes, but I can’t say I agree with your statement. You deserve someone who sees you for who you are and adores it, not someone who loved what you once were and became bitter when you grew.”

Duck looks at the console between them, at Indrid’s chipped black nails and the hand he hopes isn’t shaking. He squeezes it a moment longer than necessary, “Thanks, ‘Drid. It’s nice to hear that from someone who’s still gettin to know me. Juno and them, they’re my friends, I know they’re in my corner but, uh, sometimes I worry that anyone new is gonna find me dull or somethin like that.”

“I’m sure some people would, just as some take one look at me and decide I’m a weirdo who they don’t want to deal with. But I can say with certainty that I don’t find you that way.”

Duck grins all the way to their destination. It’s a quirky trailer park full of amenities and built mostly from salvaged materials, doing it’s best to run off the grid. It also gives each trailer a theme, and Indrid flaps his hands when he sees they’ve been booked in the “The Cramps” themed one.

“Hell yeah.” Duck mirrors his excitement as they open the door. Their haven from the desert sun is full of kitschy horror artifacts and a much smaller bed than the previous spot. There’s no debate this time; Indrid settles on the right, Duck on the left, and they settle in for a nap before venturing out to work.

They take in the bar, the arcade, the mini-golf course, and the “couples supply room” (“damn, didn’t know they made eggnog scented massage oil” “ooh, I like how that smells”), but Duck turns out to be most excited to rent a stargazing kit and guide Indrid out into the dark desert. They’re on their backs, shoulder to shoulder and munching chocolate covered fruit, when he discovers the source of his glee.

“There!” Duck points to a crackling streak of silver.

“A meteor” Indrid wiggles happily as a second one speeds through his view.

“It’s the Perseids, and this is a damn good place to watch ‘em. Look, there’s another one.” He’s breathless each time and Indrid’s heart threatens to beat hard enough to crack the earth at the sound.

“Did you ever wish on stars when you were little?”

“Yep. Never asked for much worth notin, though I’m pretty sure I wished once to just wake up and be a boy. Or, uh, guess for everyone to see me as one. What about you?”

“I wished...I wished for someone to do things like this with, some who’d kiss me and tell me that they didn’t need to wish because what they wanted was right here.. I love the world, I want to see so much of it, that’s half the reason I chose my profession.. But when I was young I thought I’d be with someone when I did. I thought it was easy to find that kind of love. To be worthy of it.”

“Hey now” Duck rolls onto his side. He’s backlit by the moon, meteors zipping behind him as if they, just like Indrid, are pulled to him, “what happened to all the stuff you said in the car about deservin someone who adores you?”

“It’s easy to apply such things to you, harder to believe them about myself.”

“How come?”

“Because you are everything a sensible person could want in a man and I am not.”

“That’s where you’re wrong” He sets a hand next to Indrid’s shoulder, “Can think of at least one sensible fella who wants to get to know you a whole hell of a lot.”

“He’ll get to know me plenty, we’re co-workers.”

“There are different kinds of gettin to know someone.” Duck dips down, brushes their noses together, “for instance, the last few days I’ve gotten to know you’re a damn good travel companion and that Ned was smart to hire you. But I’ve also gotten to know there’s some things about you I really wanna know.”

“Such as?” Indrid’s fingers find Duck’s sides.

“Such as whether you wanna go on a date with me when we get back. No assignment, just the two of us gettin some time together.”

“I want nothing more.” He leans up to kiss him, feels him shudder happily when their lips meet. Indrid wonders how long it’s been since someone kissed Duck like they meant it, and resolves to make up any deficits with an enthusiasm that would put horny eighteen year olds to shame.

Indrid nips Ducks ear, “you know, were it not for the threat of mosquitos and scorpions, I’d suggest we make good use of the non-food items in that basket.”

Ducks grin lights Indrid up like a comet, “Then howsabout we go test just how conducive our trailer is to romance?”

Indrid kisses him adoringly, “Lead on, sweetheart; I’ll follow you anywhere.”

[astringofmadhousefloozies]

Surprises

Surprises of all kinds, found after a shopping trip goes wrong. Content warning for coarse language, sexuality, threats of violence, mentions of suicide and incest, and copious amounts of headcanons.

As always, there is more in my Twisted Wonderland Fanfiction tag, and send me a message if you liked it, I crave positive feedback.

~*~*~*~

TXT: where the fuck are you guys it's already quarter past

After a few minutes, you got a ding.

M: idia doenst want t leave something about a person see you aftr he needs freind

Oh goddammit, it's so fucking hard to get him out and about. At least Mal was with him.

You looked to Grim at your feet. "Looks like it's just us, buddy."

~*~*~*~

It was just you and Grim browsing through the dollar store, when a boy in a ratty shop apron came up to you. "Ma'am?"

You turned to him, and he coughed. "Uh, Miss. You're not supposed to have pets in the store."

Grim bristled at him. "I'm not a pet!"

Poor kid, he looked so startled. And you decided to make it worse, because yanno, why not. "How dare you refer to my son as a pet! Does he look like a pet to you?"

He looked between your face and Grim's, confusion growing. "Wh-"

"I know the resemblance isn't the strongest, but honestly! How could you say such mean things about him!"

Grim, bless him, actually caught on and decided to play along for the chaos of it. "Why are you being so mean to me? My mom works hard to keep me happy! She said I could pick out a toy today!"

The confusion had turned to anger. "That's not your kid! You're too young and he's an animal!"

Grim looked up at you, mock tears in his eyes. "I'm your kid, right? I'm not adopted like the boys at school say?" He started sniffling. "I'm not adopted, right?"

You clapped your hands over Grim's ears and glared at the now horrified shopboy. "Look what you've done! I hadn't told him yet!"

He just fled in horror, and it was all you could do to keep from laughing.

~*~*~*~

The village on the island wasn't the worst appointed. Being equidistant between two prestigious magic schools, it had a few places worth going, and after hitting up your personal favourite, you went to a small park, settled down on a bench, and started unwrapping your prizes.

You have a love for gashapon machines that bordered on a serious problem. In your biweekly trips to buy snacks and supplies to stock up your miserable, beautiful dorm, you easily fed 3000 madol (which you think was about thirty-five dollars or so at home, but couldn't be sure) into the long rows of machines in the drug store, coming out with tiny keychains, figures, and various useless but wonderful little totchkes that you kept lined up in rows in your bedroom. The joys of tiny presents! And the containers were useful too; for a creature who heavily insisted he wasn't a cat, Grim lost his shit like one every time your rolled a ball with a bell inside across the floor.

You were marveling over a tiny, perfectly realistic jellyfish on a phone strap as someone sat down heavily beside you. "Is that," they pointed to Grim poking his way around the cattails by an ornamental pond, "yours?"

"... Yes?" You turned to examine your seatmate. Charmingly strange looking, they sat impeccably robed in forest green velvet and squinted at you from behind perfectly round sunglasses. Flat-faced and thin-lipped, they reminded you of a toad, with their roundness and severe expression.

"Ah, then you are the one I am looking for. You're the pet of the prince."

"I'm a friend of his. Is that a problem?" You decided to keep opening your prizes, and pulled out a heavy ball from the bottom of your bag.

"His Highness does not have human friends."

"And yet, I am." This one, unwrapped, was the chase in the set: a tiny cauldron the size of a thimble that seemed to be actual cast iron. The chill of it was pleasant in your hand, and instead of returning it to your bag, you left it in your lap.

This presumptive stranger leaned in. "You're a diversion. A distraction from what he should be learning. Instead he plays with mortals and lets them forget their place."

"If it was so important that he didn't play with mortals, then why was he allowed to attend here?" You got a cheap set of rings on a goldtone chain in this one. Boo. You'd wanted the miniature necklace of the set for your doll. "He's very happy with the company of us all."

"Too happy. He forgets his place." The toady eyed the glittering paste gems before looking away. "Above you. Instead he crawls into your lap and serves you like a dog."

You froze. "Now, where did you get that idea?"

"We have sources." They leaned in further, smiling. A barely perceptible line of triangular teeth, sparsely placed and translucent in tone. "Foul things happen to the unwanted lovers of heirs, don't you know?"

"I am a wanted friend." 

"You're a parasite who should flee."

You realized something, and turned to face your strange benchmate. "Why are you threatened by me?"

They scoffed. "Why would we be threatened by you?"

"If you weren't," you said, dropping your voice as your leaned in, "then you wouldn't be here trying to put the fear into me." They leaned back, glasses slipping off their nose. The eyes in their face were exquisite, shining gold and black speckles with a ring of gold around an oval pupil. You could help but laugh. "Pretty eyes. You really are a toad. Who sent you? The Thorn Witch? Can't be, I'm not worth her time and if I was, she'd've sent a fucking letter."

"We're a concerned party, preventing our future king from making the mistake of dealing with filth." 

Well, that one pissed you off. You grabbed their wrist, feeling bumps and warts on their skin through the fabric, and pressed the tiny cauldron to the back on their hand as they started screeching.

"You," you looked them dead in their impossibly lovely eyes, "You go back where you came from, tell them I'm not a threat to whatever stupid bullshit they're worried about, and never bother us again. Or I will make you swallow this and you'll beg the precious prince you're so damned worried about to burn you alive to stop the pain."

You'd never seen anyone run so fast in your life when you let them go.

"Hey, Grim! We gotta go."

~*~*~*~

TXT: MAL SOMEONE SENT ME A TOADY SAYING I CAN'T BE AROUND YOU ANYMORE

TXT: MIGHTA BEEN YOUR GMA BUT I DON'T THINK SO

~*~*~*~

"I'm gonna kill that fucker."

"Killing them might start an international incident. If one hasn't happened already. You burnt them with iron, Yuu."

"I should have done worse! Whoever the fuck they were, that's two friends they've tried to threaten to stay away from you! That we know of!"

It turns out that the mystery toady had been the person to scare the piss out of Idia the night before. Not that they'd gotten far into their leave-the-prince-alone spiel, Idia had simply kicked them square in the stomach and fled, assuming another kidnapping attempt.

"It wouldn't have been my grandmother. In the last letter I got from her, she said it was very nice that I was making friends. She said to keep making them, even."

"She'd probably care if she knew you were sleeping with said friends." Idia was curled into the corner of his bed, and from the looks of it hadn't slept since his own encounter.

"No she wouldn't."

"You sure about that?"

You'd said that that was only going to happen once. Everyone agreed. But when all three of you settled in to play a game or watch a movie, hands moved and bodies flushed and you all seemed to find yourself tangled and gasping. And it didn't seem to require all three of you - you no longer had the strength to say no to Mal's obvious advances, and you'd walked in on your boys more than once. At least you were still friends? Really, really close friends?

"She wouldn't."

"Could they be worried about heirs?" That seemed logical. Even if no accidents were happening, they might not know that.

"That's not possible."

You raised an eyebrow. Everything worked right, and you all knew it.

Mal looked back at you. "Yuu, I hatched from an egg. I could have you both five times a day for a decade and all there would be to show for it is you couldn't walk. I cannot have children with either of you without magical intervention."

Idia made a truly impressive death rattle before mumbling something about the end of his bloodline, and you just nodded. "Makes sense."

"It's quite interesting, really, it requires numerous spells and potions, that if not kept up on, the babe will-" Malleus placed his hands together, back to back, and mimed the motion of tearing something open.

You flinched. "That's awful, goddamn."

"I have a direct ancestor who took a great deal of human women as breeding stock and simply let them be eaten from the inside out. That's what started one of the earlier human/faerie wars." 

"... Wow."

"I am not proud of her."

"Can we please talk about anything else?" Idia looked ready to be sick. "I don't want to think about any of this."

"Sure, let's grab one of your doujins."

~*~*~*~

"So you're already engaged?"

"As soon as it was clear I would survive to adulthood, yes. Idia, what is this series?"

"Nyan Neko Sugar Girls. It's not that great storywise, but it has great gags." He reached over and grabbed the next one in his pile. "It's not that unusual. My mother wanted Ortho to marry my cousin Alecto when they grew up, before..."

"Before he made a lifestyle change?" That seemed the politest way to put it.

"Before she went to the criminal ward."

You shut your book with a soft thump. "What?"

"I remember the trial." Mal sighed. "Strychnine in the sugar bowl at Sunday dinner. I made sure to get the newspapers sent to the palace."

"Mother was heartbroken over it, until she realized that the wealth of that entire Shroud branch defaulted back to us." Idia shrugged. "It's sad. She was just eleven. I still send her emails."

"Idia."

"Mm?"

"Why the fuck would an eleven year old poison someone?"

"My uncle said she couldn't get a puppy until her grades went up."

"What the fuck." You'd lie down if you weren't already doing so.

"It's the curse." He sighed. "We thought she might've been from an affair? But that proved it."

"My dearest Shroud, you can't guarantee it was from the curse." Malleus turned a page. "It might have been trauma from her mother's death."

You could see more bad history incoming. "Oh no."

"Alecto was from Uncle Jo's first marriage, to my dad's cousin Alita. She had a sister, but when her mother drowned herself, she only took-"

"Is this normal for your family? Or is that just some exceptional bad luck?"

He leaned in, lamplight eyes flashing. "Out of all the Shrouds of my generation that are still capable of inheriting, I'm the most mentally sound."

Both you and Mal had to stop and really consider the implications of that.

"So, Mal. Yours isn't that closely related?"

"Fifth cousins at most when they're finally born."

You sat up. "What?"

"I'm supposed to marry the third grandchild of the Hollyoak Baron. They're a well-respected family, and of snake fae descent so little aid will be needed for conception. His eldest child is in..." He had to think about what words to use. " I believe the term is 'middle school'?"

"They really planned it that far ahead?"

Mal shrugged, the movement rolling down his whole body. "I cannot complain. It gives me a very long time to learn how to be a husband before I have to be one."

"But what if you don't like them?"

"Marriage is chiefly a contract to produce heirs. I'll learn to like them, and ideally love them."

"And if you don't?"

"I'll still treat them as kindly as I can."

"And I suppose you'd take a lover."

"Maybe. They can too, as long as all the children are mine. For legal reasons," he added.

Idia, snapping out of his thoughts, tapped Mal's shoulder. "Does the Hollyoak Baron have any friends who are toad faeries?"

It was Mal's turn to sit up. "That... He could be worried that if I have favourites at school, I'll resent my betrothed for not being either of you. Or that I would attempt to break it off entirely."

"That still doesn't tell us how he found out about..." You gestured around the room.

Idia rolled his eyes. "All that would have to happen is any one student from the Valley of Thorns writing a letter home."

"But -"

"Malleus, you're not shy in your affections. At all."

"Yes I am," he bristled.

~*~*~*~

"Mal?"

"Mmph?"

"You have to put me down. I have class."

He made a slightly different mmph and shook his head.

You tried to pat his head, but your arms were securely pinned to your sides. "I know they're fantastic, but you have to stop."

He still refused to remove his face from your chest, making a noise that could have been purring if it cane from anyone who was a proper mammal.

"Mal, we're blocking traffic."

He still wasn't putting you down, instead swaying slightly in place.

A familiar long-fingered hand with dark nails reached from behind you and tugged at Mal's lapel. "Malleus, please stop, it's ten AM and everyone is staring."

Mal finally put you down - only to switch targets, wrapping his arms around Idia's waist and pulling him flush, fixing him with such a look of besotted fondness that you immediately felt like you were intruding.

"You look beautiful today."

Idia immediately burst into a ball of pink flame.

~*~*~*~

"... Perhaps I am a bit obvious."

Idia stared up at his ceiling. "You'd be at home in my otome games."

You chimed in. "What would be obvious, in your mind?"

"Very easy. I finish the paperwork declaring you Lord and Lady of the Bedchamber and have you officially ensconced as Court of Thorns royalty, ensuring you're both taken care of for the rest of your days."

"... Finish?"

"It seemed the easiest thing to do if either of you chose to visit my homeland."

You swatted his leg. "And you didn't think to ask us first?"

Mal was starting to clue in that he had once again overreached himself. "... Surprise?"

"I'm okay with it."

You glared over at Idia. "That's not the point."

"Look, if I ever get disinherited, I have a place to go. He won't make me go outside if I don't want to. I'll bring Ortho. It'll be great."

"They don't even have dial-up over there, Idia. Lilia told me he had to get all this stuff installed to play his MMOs."

Idia pointed at Mal, easy smile turned to outrage. "How dare you try and trap me!"

It honestly seemed like Mal and Idia had switched expressions, the look of worry on his face so strange. "It's a protective measure! If you're titled, people will get in trouble if they try and remove you!"

"That's still... wait." The gears were turning in your head. "If you finish that paperwork, whoever sent Mixter Toad is going to get in so much more trouble."

Everyone went silent as they considered this.

"... As soon as I get the official permission from my grandmother. She won't like it very much, but if I explain..."

Idia turned to Mal. "You were going to make your human fucktoys official members of the Court of Thorns without telling your grandmother, the queen. Who has a notable and often justified dislike of humans."

"No?"

"Mal."

"I simply prepared ahead."

"Mal."

"I - "

"Malleus." You leaned over and kissed his cheek. "You're so goddamned stupid. Love you."

He didn't say it back with words, but you got the message loud and clear.

[thealexchen]

One Year On: Life is Strange 2 Critique

December 3rd, 2020 marks a year since Life is Strange 2 ended. I was inspired by @smitethepatriarchy‘s text posts (here, but there are several other answered asks worth reading) and @suhaplays’s text post (here) criticizing Life is Strange 2 to write a critique about how Life is Strange 2 handled certain themes and social issues.

(tw: gun violence, police brutality, animal death, incarceration, racism. In this essay, I use the word “queer” in a reclaimed sense, as a queer person myself. Of course, spoiler warning for all five episodes of Life is Strange 1 and 2).

A year on, my feelings about this game have soured... a lot. When the game was first announced, I was overjoyed that our new protagonists would be two Latino boys. Finally, we would have a culturally meaningful, groundbreaking video game with people of color and their experiences at the forefront! 

Then the game was met with immediate backlash and I utterly exhausted myself defending it for weeks on Reddit and Tumblr. Throughout 2019, as the episodes came out I became increasingly disillusioned, frustrated, and disappointed with where the story was going. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so damn miserable while playing this game.

Then in the summer of 2020, when Tell Me Why began rolling out pre-release material, I noticed that they posted a Q&A about transphobia, gave content warnings, and discussed at length about their collaboration with GLAAD, Checkpoint, and the Huna Heritage Foundation to make the game with sensitivity and proper research. I cannot speak for trans and gender non-conforming people on whether Dontnod succeeded at doing so with Tell Me Why. But Life is Strange 2 did… none of that.

Essentially, I realized that the reason why I was so frustrated with LiS2 is because it focuses way too heavily on a trauma narrative. This comes off as insensitive to players of color without any content warnings or extensive research.

Sean didn’t have to get kidnapped, kicked in the face, and called a racial slur by a gas station owner. Daniel did not need to watch his puppy get mauled by a mountain lion for the sake of a “difficult choice.” Sean didn’t have to lose his eye for the sake of heightened drama. Sean didn’t need to get called a racial slur and humiliated by his native language/beaten in the desert for refusing to sing. Daniel didn’t need to get shot— twice. Hell, all of “Faith” probably could’ve been cut— how is a church cult that brainwashes Daniel and beats Sean half to death relevant at all to the story?

Even if not all of the game’s violence was racially motivated, the consistent trauma that Sean and Daniel endure does not make for positive representation— or even good characterization. There is a difference between sympathetic characters and well-written characters, and trauma does not make Sean and Daniel any more complex or likable-- just more fucking traumatized.

LiS2 is more grounded in reality, but that also makes plot holes that much harder to excuse (Daniel’s powers being spotted, most of the Parting Ways ending, Sean’s prison sentence). But most of all, it grounds all of Sean and Daniel’s pain and trauma in reality. 

There is no magicking away a town-destroying storm with time travel. Sean can’t keep his dad alive by ripping up a Polaroid. After Max unlocked her powers, she was still a Blackwell student, reconnecting with Chloe, taking photos, saving lives, and uncovering a murder mystery. After Daniel unlocked his powers, the Diaz brothers lost everything. 

The game never lets you forget that Sean and Daniel are homeless, wanted, constantly in danger, and that they are never getting their old lives back. It permeates the entire game, and for players of color, just reinforces a sad, miserable, grim reality about living in the United States. It is, as @smitethepatriarchy said, potentially triggering for players of color, and it is certainly not something I needed to be reminded of.

And the representation of POC? It feels shallow and ill-researched. It would only take a Google search to find out that Dia de Muertos (a holiday to honor the dead, no less) was from October 31 to November 2 in 2016, the year the game takes place, but Daniel only talks about Halloween in episode 1. Sean and Daniel never discuss any Mexican customs, foods, or holidays. Sean doesn’t speak Spanish with his immigrant father, only during a scene when he’s traumatized (again!) by two racists, and again when talking to Mexican immigrants— in jail. Daniel doesn’t speak Spanish at all. Most of their allies throughout the game are white, including Finn and Cassidy, who appropriate Black culture with their dreadlocks.

So what’s left? Sean and Daniel’s existence as people of color is, at worst, just a narrative prop to justify everything that happens to them. They are people of color on the surface only. In a meta-sense, the game only considers the color of their skin and their last names as what is narratively important… yikes.

I don’t have anything against people who genuinely loved the game and were moved by its messages and story. But I can’t help but feel bitter that white players have the luxury of only thinking of this game as a work of fiction and not feeling any personal reliability to Sean and Daniel’s racialized trauma.

I don’t regret playing LiS2, but I do regret all the time and energy I spent defending it in the beginning. I understand now that I shouldn’t let people’s opinions get to me, nor should I feel obligated to like or defend a game for its attempts at representation. But now, I think I understand how queer fans must have felt in late 2015 when Polarized released. After following the game for 10 months, to see that Chloe’s ultimate destiny was to die and Pricefield is another ship plagued by the Bury Your Gays trope (in the ending that the devs clearly put more work into) must have been just as disillusioning and infuriating. I understand why some fans were so quick to unfollow LiS or develop mixed feelings about the series, because that’s how I feel too after following LiS2’s development from September 2018 to December 2019.

Before I end, I will admit that Life is Strange 2 arrived at a time when I needed it. I still stand by my belief that DN did a great job characterizing Sean, Daniel, and Chris without toxic masculinity, which is the best thing they could’ve done for a male-focused follow-up to a game about queer women. I love that Sean is still a canonically bisexual man of color in a major video game and that DN didn’t forget their queer audience. I love the world and characters that DN built, but I still prefer AU fanfictions of their normal lives, without all that trauma. 

So, I will continue to treasure Lyla and her 10 minutes of screentime (aka the only shred of Asian American representation I can get from this series). I still reblog LiS2 fanart to support the artists. I still support Dontnod, because as Tell Me Why has shown, they are capable of researching and writing stories with more sensitivity. And let’s be honest-- I’m still gonna be hella excited if Life is Strange 3 is announced.

But so many aspects of Life is Strange 2 were bungled that it came off as a remarkably average and forgettable experience. A year on, I don’t hate Life is Strange 2, but I am writing this to move on from it.

Thank you for reading.

[thirsthourdemon]

Headcanon on their online platforms but mainly on Twitch, onlyfans stuff, patreon, tumblr

Includes: Demon bros + undateablesss

Genre: Crack, Fluff and slight smut

Warnings: NSFW mentions

||Lucifer

-He didn’t have a big online presence because he was active, no no

-He had an online presence cause everyone always sees him on Diavolo s pictures and such so for a time they shared an audience

-One time Diavolo and Barbatos were doing a thing where they read a book aloud for some sort of game

-Diavolo kind of recorded that for a little bit

-ASMR I TELL YOU

-People liked it so much they suggested for “the one with the deep cold voice”, luci, to do asmr on youtube or something

-He doesn’t know what an Onlyfans is however he does have a patreon.

-Diavolo was interested in the idea and discussed it with him

-HE BLEW UP CAUSE EVERYONE WAS FREAKING OUT OVER HOW AMAZING HIS VOICE WAS OF COURSE! 😡

-His fandom consists of either people who are interested in what he reads or...Horny people who get off at how proper and low his voice is

-His profile picture is a picture of him with his head cropped out where he’s fixing his gloves

-Luci isnt like super famous but he has a loyal fanbase that appreciates him a lot also lots of simps with daddy issues

-He was confused as to why someone would ask him to be their father

-He gets the daddy kink but why???

-Last post: A picture MC took where he’s holding a whip cause mammon fucked something up 🙂

||Mammon

-Bold of us to assume he didn’t already have one

-You already know why he’s on here.

-He has random content but he mainly got his audience since he kind of tried modeling thing for a while. It was for a big brand on their new jock type jackets

-Mammon really wanted cash at that time and he got the thing over and done with making him a couple more grims richer

-The photographers told him they could transfer the pictures though! So he just saved his pictures because “Who wouldn’t want a picture of THE mammon?”

-That gave him the idea

-His audience? Whoreknee

-They even accept the fact that his captions for some pictures are “You should be honored you get pictures of me”

-He posts that with a blushing face half of the time HAHAHAHA

-Levi found it and just laughed at the pictures

-Surprisingly enough the pictures were actually well taken because MC was forced into em

-His most popular picture was the one with him was actually a picture that the brothers took of him tucking in what appeared to be goldie on a seperate MINI BED WITH A SMALL TOY LAMP BESIDE IT

-He did a QnA for his followers to celebrate on his instagram

-PFFTT He got so many questions about Goldie

-Was dubbed “Goldie’s Daddy” after that

-Last post: A picture of him wearing the new Luxury brand jacket he got and his keys in front of his car with the caption “Daddy’s going for a ride”

||Leviathan

-I’ve always head canon that Levi knows how to draw digital emotes. Like he just picked it up cause he wanted to make fanart of him in henry together 😔

-Also has a red bubble or an etsy where he sells some prints and stickers of fanart 👀

-He went on twitch since there were so many TSL streamers there who just played games while they discussed theories as well

-Levi is an emote artist and while he draws he sometimes just discusses the theories with his fellow Yucky Otakus

-He’s the type to really interact with everyone even though he barely does that in real life

-Sometimes though when he gets packages that fans sent or ones that he ordered he’d stream unboxing them.

-He hates showing his face? Oh dont worry He’s wearing a facemask and all that

-His fandom is genuinely into him. Like they actually like him as a person but kinda once got into a scandal on gatekeeping

-He took a break for a bit but he kind of said sorry and everyone just forgave him because he isn’t really the type to do drama and it was just that one instance-

-Overall loved by the community due to how chill he is and how invested he is on fan theories

-He has a twitter btw and lemme tell you it’s just threads and threads of discussions

-Whenever he does stream unboxing videos though and he shows his shelves everyone freaks out how he has EVERY FUCKING VOLUME OF EVERY ANIME AND GAME

-People sometimes ask him personal questions and he tries his best to try to answer them but he shows a face where he looks uncomfy

-Everyone just bullies anyone who makes him uncomfy giving his fanbase a very protective reputation

-Last post: “Unboxing fanmail L8er @ 10pm LOL CYA GUYS XD”

||Satan

-He has a tumblr. You cant tell me he doesn’t have one.

-He had tumblr like back in the old day though like when porn was still available here.

-Get this...He’s known all through out the academia blogs. He INVENTED Academia

-Satan has 1 blog and that’s it. It’s his main blog and he just posts pictures of the book cover and does essays, reviews or sometimes he writes the ending he wanted to happen.

-Dont get me wrong he has a patreon but only because people loved getting more exclusive takes of stuff like his book notes on certain pages or sometimes his notes and thoughts on Artistic Erotica

-Probably has a Ko-Fi because he though he needed it after most of the blogs he followed had it

-He thinks it should be “Table of Content” and not “Masterlist” so he uses just that

-Profile picture is him wearing his signature washed out green grandma sweater while he has a book in hand and a cup of earl grey on his table

-People go to him falling in love with his aesthetic and Book reviews but they stay in love with him because he is big on one on one discussions actually

-He goes for one on one voice calls where he just...He talks to you about any book of your choosing

-Fans send him tea but he knows better than to eat something a stranger gives so he makes beel take a taste first sometimes but ultimately scolds the boy when he takes too much

-He wasn’t supposed to have merch but everyone liked the idea of small packages (More like letters) that really do look old and vintage

-He usually only give those to the people who pay for the top tier stuff

-It usually contains 1 type of tea, a letter he wrote for them himself and a bookmark with his name stamped on it

-He got the stamp custom made ❤️

-Last post: (Insert 5k word essay)

This is what I thought of Edgar Allan Poe’s “A cask of Amatillado”

Playlist: (Insert soft classic Music playlist on Spotify)

Tea: Black Currant

||Asmodeus

-ONLY FANS THROUGH AND THROUGH

-Is a brand influencer as well

-The brand ambassador of this pretty well known semi-luxury skin care brand

-His devilgram? Perfectly made by his PR team which is just him and solomon

-Before I move onto the NSFW stuff I want to emphasize how Beautiful his instagram is and his aesthetic

-His aesthetic is romantic/sexual tension/Unparalleled beauty

-Also a make up brand influencer and has his own make up line

-something along the lines of “The Devil’s box of charms 🖤”

-The type to DG live whenever he’s just showing off the make up look he did or the outfit he got

-The house of lamentation may have PR packages stacking up due to how most of them have an online influence but out of 10 boxes 7 of them would be for Asmo

-OKAY NOW ONTO NSFW STUFF

-Lemme tell you this...He has a specific drawer and space in his closet just for the sexy outfits he has.

-The demon’s onlyfans has pictures of him just teasing his audience where he’s wearing a black skintight get up and his bulge is showing

-Nudes are for mid and top tiers

-His fandom loves seeing in stocking and chokers

-“The choker is from etsy and here’s the link to their shop~”

-He doesnt completely show his body but...Him in suggestive clothing gets everyone pre cumming

-His fandom is just filled with simps 😔

-He loves them and blows a kiss towards the camera everytime he ends a live

-Probably has had a scandal or 4

-Posted an Ahegao once and everyone lost it

-Has been the face for Ahegaos ever since

-Belle delphine who?

-Definitely tik tok famous too 😎

-Has memorized all of Doja Cat’s songs

-Last post: “Hope you guys are ready for tonight’s session~ 😈” With a picture of him in an Fuchsia and black themed lingerie set. A collar with a bell on it.

-Bonus: One time Solomon summoned him while he was taking pictures and he was still in his lingerie set. 😛

||Beelzebub

-Was originally inspired by Mukbangs Channels so he did them on youtube too

-You get his Mukbangs on your recommended, You subscribe because of his cute and funny reactions whenever someone in the backgrounds is astounded to how much he’s eating

-Everyone knew beel as a cute guy who just does Mukbangs and loves to eat

-He once did a fridge raid and ended up eating everything in the fridge

-That was THE MOST CHAOTIC VIDEO on his channel cause you can just see luci and MC trying to make him stop

-He eventually got a patreon because mammon told him people will give him more money for food like that and to be honest he made a patreon but mammon takes care of it from time to time

-Oh you knew him as this sweet beautiful boy who just likes eating? hERe HavE sOmE WorKOUt pICs

-His body got everyone thirsty or may I say Starving

-S I M P S everywhere

-His patreon content is just him making small videos eating or pictures of him being all sweaty from the gym 😛💦

-“DADDY BWDONMXMSKC PLEASE FEED US”

-“Eh? You should feed me instead” *opens his mouth*

-Fans send him lots of boxes of weird food to see his reaction sometimes

-Did the fire noodle challenge a bit late but everyone is surprised to how he isn’t giving the reaction like they expected him

-Spice tolerance? Unmatched

-His fandom is either “UwU Beel please eat try this!” Or “Daddy Please FEED US WITH YOUR DELICIOUS THIGHS! 😩🥵💦💦💦”

-He does the service where he sends you his body building pictures except he isn’t sending them, Mammon is.

-Manager Mammon 😎 Gets a half of the profit

-Can I just...BeelProbablyHasnevergottenintoanyscandalbuthasalotofhaterssayingthefansonlylikehimforhishandsomefaceandgreatbodyandnicevoicebutlikewhatiswrongwithlikinghimbecauseofthosethings?Itisntbadtolikethatstuffatall

-Last post: “🍙 Thank you to @(Your Username) for the Onigiri! I finished the whole batch! Please send more food”

||Belphegor

-Sleep Guru

-Im sorry but I cant see him having any other social media aside from tumblr, twitter and Devilgram

-Belphie barely checks his phone but he has tumblr because apparently there’s a thing called the SandMan’s Box Community

-It’s like LootCrate, a subscription service that gives you stuff like Comfy Pillow sheets and tea for better sleeping

-This even gives you something like sleeping masks or ear muffs.

-The community is well...nocturnal

-His ask box is always full of his 100+ mutuals who just discuss stuff with him

-Whenever he actually does try to type online he makes articles about the best sleep positions or stuff like that

-His fandom is just loving mutuals who sleep and take care of each other

-They have a discord server where it just plays soft music to help everyone sleep

-Last post: “Humans aren’t so bad when they’re asleep”

||Luke and Simeon

-He has a big following on twitch where he just bakes sweets in his cute little hat and-

-Clearly you can tell I follow him on twitch

-The type of twitch streamer that no one hates on because why would you? He is literally just baking and cute comments

-Sometimes he streams with Simeon and everyone loves both of them

-When people give money they dont give “money” no no...they call donating headpats

-Luke is just so adorable that everyone just...

-“Angel Lulu’s Protection Squad⭐️”

-He got famous when he...He doesnt want to call it a collab but He made a lot of sweets and gave them to beel so everyone freaked out and thought

-THE SWEET BOY THAT EATS A LOT AND THE ANGELIC CHILD THAT MAKES SWEETS A LOT ARE FRIENDS?!

-He is now pissed that everyone thinks they’re friends 😠

-Basically his fans started making dishes and candy inspired by him

-Sometimes they send it in and Simeon has to confiscate some because

-“Im sorry, guys. You are all really sweet and I know that you mean well but Luke isn’t allowed much sweets yet”

-No one ever EVER lewds luke

-Fortunately Luke’s fandom has the least amount of pedophiles because everyone drives them away the moment they try something

-Whenever luke does fan mail/unboxing videos people just adore how Simeon places a glass of water at the table below the camera and the scissors or cutter he uses is child proof

-Even though Luke is the main person on his account everyone also notices Simeon.

-How couldn’t they? He looked like he wanted to make everyone in the audience live a better life

-Add that with luke’s wholesome baking and BOOM! You are now ready for a better life🌟

-Last post: It’s a picture of Luke shyly showing of his new batch of sun and moon shaped sugar cookies. “Sun and Moon. Tune in later at 3 pm to see how we made these!”

||Solomon

-He barely posts but he helps asmodeus with his stuff

-Too busy with anything else but helps out when things get interesting

-Proposes Ideas for Asmo sometimes when the demon doesn’t know what to wear for a live or a story

-Laughs at Asmo sometimes when he gets into scandals and drama

-Happy cameraman ❤️

-People follow him because 1.) He’s hot 2.) The fans ship him with Asmodeus

-Last Post: “When will you learn 🙂”

||Diavolo

-He is a vlogger~ Not a very active vlogger but a vlogger nonetheless

-He films anything he can but he’s more known on tik tok and devilgram rather than twitch or youtube

-People have been thirsting for him ever since and no one can convince me that they dont just shamelessly call him daddy whenever he goes on live

-Barbatos makes sure however that whenever it isnt appropriate anymore that he would tell diavolo to turn the camera off

-Wranggled Luci into his mess and now everyone knows the face of that one dude who just reads documents

-Everyone lowkey ships them

-Diavolo is the type to take a picture of a big meeting or a retreat out of instinct to just document his life

-He actually didnt know about vloggers before but he just liked the thought of documenting it

-Everyone picks up “Master” vibes as they say from him hehehe

-He doesnt have an Onlyfans or patreon 😔😔😔

-I honestly would have subscribed to his services

-Last post: “Barbatos made a delicious meal for us at the retreat today” Along with a picture of the Beautiful Demon Delicacy Spread in the table.

Taglist: No one yet (Please be part of the taglist for more content like this ☹️ It’s getting really discouraging)

[theblackbirdsgemimagines]

Ramble away, cause I feel the twisted head rot, I kinda wanna see what you think about our bois. ~ a pocket sized dragon hops in excitement.

A POCKET SIZED DWAGOOOOOONNNN 😭💞💞💞 That’s so BLESSED, and tysm omg, I’m very glad to just spill out my barking on every boy, bc yEAH THE BRAIN ROT SKDHAKDB

THE BRAIN ROT IS SO REAL LOL

Everything I breathe ends up relating to TWST in some way, like at this point just let me take my friends, cousins, and pets, and of course Lulu and Seb, and I will have 1. A Gottdamned Harem, 2. So Many Children, and 3. NEVER WANT TO LEAVE. Kwfhskdhjwek

Ok this is gonna be long bc I gotta cover all my boys, so rip lol.

Dorm Leads:

Riddle

GOD, my Fucking Baby, my CHILD, my SWEET BABY BOY, I’M 👁💧👄💧👁

I would die for him, beetch, he is PRECIOUS ♥️

He reminds me of how I feel Ciel would behave if S/O took the place as Sebastian’s contracee, too, so like 🥺 Lots of feels 😭

Is Son, I have adopted him now. If you mistreat him, don’t ever speak to me or my son ever again. I’ll FIGHT his MOM, don’t TEST me. I’m his new mom now. His BIRD mom. So proud of him, he’s like...one of the few that’s actually shown growth in canon after his overblot kshdkadjs

Leona

👁💧👄💧👁

.....I am a Mere Simp....

Ya’ll.... I swearh to ghOD I simped hard for Scar back when I was a wee thing, I did NOT expect to simp for him AGAIN LATER IN LIFE, what the FUCK aidhskdhskdj

Like shit bitch, damn, you may not be king of Afterglow honey, but you can be king of my heart if you wAnt to bb....

Leona: *smiles once, even if it’s smugly*

Me: *WEEPING* Look at hiiiiiiim!! My sunshine booooooy! 😭

Does this make me a furry

Probably

I am too Simp to Care Anymore

I HESITATED TO GET ATTACHED BC THIS BOY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKIN WOMANIZER IF I EVER SAW ONE, BUT HE DRINKS HIS RESPECT WOMEN JUICE EVERY SINGLE MORNING AND I WAS A GONNER SNDJAJDHSJ

FUCK

Call me a Herbivore again, bully me //SLAPPED

Azul

He secretly a lil shit sometimes, but tha’s ok, it’s mostly in a silly way, especially post overblot~ UvU

The sweetest bby everytime I read fanposts on him, like god, ah 💜💜💜 WHOMST COULD BULLY SUCH A CUTE CHUBBY OCTOBABY I’LL FIGHT ALL OF EM!! A sweetheart 10/10 would be his friend 💗 Not making contracts with him tho, lol

...ok maybe SOME after his overblot, but they’re able to be easily reversed now, so it’s way more chill andhsjdj

Kalim

FUCK!!!! F U C K!!!! BABYYYYYYY!!!! BABY!!!! I HAVE ADOPTED HIM IF YOU TOUCH HIM YOU D I E

He is literally so sweet, anytime anyone was like “you’re so nice it’s annoying” I WAS READY TO COME FLYING IN TO BITCH SLAP THEM LIKE AJDHSKDHSJ (even if I also loved them lol)

Like NO you are WRONG whfksjd

He has also grown so much, and I am proud ♥️🧡

Vil

Jesus Christ, canon Vil is Hurting Meeeeee ajdhskdhsj

My fave fanon Vil is the one that recognizes all different types of beauty, though~ uvu and is v encouraging to anyone that may be struggling with self hatred 💜

Canon: Vil is pretty~.

Me: Wow, wtf???? He IS so pretty... How rude I didn’t think you were serious! Wow him??? Pretty??? Wow??? Wow...

Idia

I’m not sure yet, as I haven’t seen him very often, but of the few times that I have: BIG same, huge mood, and Me FUCKING Too, goddamn akdhakdj

Idia is my Anxiety and Anime Nerd personified tbh lol

What Ortho is to him are what all my comfort characters are to me, honestly.

Like what would you like bby, you want that singing voice?? Ok here comes a synthesizer just special for you~. Ily, mwah~ u3u 💕

Malleus

HEAVY BREATHING

Ok maybe it’s just the lack of story/info out on him yet, but I don’t currently simp as hard for him compared to Leona, I’ll admit jajdkajd

BUT BOY HOWDEY DO I EVER STILL S I M P...

He Is Baby... And I Lob Him....

I am going to smooch those horns and forehead crown of beautiful scales 🖤🖤🖤 I am going to do it!!!! Here I go!!!

HE CAN HAVE ALL THE ICE CREAM AND TAMAGATCHI DATES HE WANTS I’M- 😭

This man is too precious for words, and I have so much childhood nostelgia to ‘enchanted’ woods, and being in the mountains, so he has Old Fae Friend vibes to me~🖤

DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON F-

Ngl I ship him and Leona a lil bit lol

No, not just bc that makes a poly with my two faves easier, but that is a bonus factor jadhajdj

Vice Dorm Heads:

Trey

Oh my god, the Daddy to my Mommy with all these newly adopted lil kids of ours, ya know??? What a wholesome sweetie and funny lil shit jahdksdh~

I love him, I would gladly make tarts with, AND for him 💚💚💚

The kind of boi who I’d ship HARD with anyone he started dating bc My God it would warm my heart So Much 💞💞

Ruggie (unofficial but may as well be at this point lol)

He took a while to grow on me kadhskdhsj

But I think he’d be a sweet, if a trouble-maker of a friend to have~.

Dank you for taking care of my sweet lion bby, honey, I’m sure Farrena is a sweetheart, but boi I hope he gets his shit together to fix up where Ruggie lives 😭

I think if I met his granny, I’d CRY jadhajsh 💗💗

Leech Twins (?)

Idk if they’re vice leaders, but who cares lol

THESE are the older Big Brothers in every sense of the word. (My canon ages most everyone up just a bit, save for Riddle, Ace, Deuce, Kalim, Jamil, Cheka, and anyone already 20+)

The ANNOYING older big brothers, lol.

The ones that hug you to death (Floyd), or use you for an arm rest (Jade), and specifically Do the thing you asked/told them NOT to Do.

This is fine with me tho, I’m an only child, please give me the experience of annoying older brothers lol 💙💚

Jamil

I used to hate you bby, I’m so sorry akdhskdhs

I’ve adopted him now, and I’m v proud he’s trying, but making clear what his boundaries are, and trying to come out of a shell he was made to be in for so long 😭

AND HIS DANCING IS SICK LIKE HONESTLY I’M SUCH A PROUD MOM 💗💗💗

Rook

God. FUCKING Rook, lol.

IDK IF I SHOULD TRUST YOU, but I also kinda wanna be your friend akdhakdjs

HE CONCERNS ME but he also seems nice and v sweet sometimes, lmao

Blz don’t stalk me tho 😬

STOP SHOOTING YOUR ARROWS AROUND SCHOOL YOU BLOODY HEATHEN FRENCH PRISS, YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE

Also, if he DARES hunt cute animals around me, especially BIRDS, I am going to GRIP him jahdkahdsk

He’s like if Lord Druitt was a Little More Nice and a Little Bit Less Creepy ajdhak

Lilia:

GOD.

I LOVE THIS FUCKING GRANDPA.

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS FUCKING. GRANDPA.

I absolutely hc him as nonbinary w/masc pronouns, I absoLUTELY do.

I adore him, I love him, I haven’t gotten a squish (hardcore desire to be someone’s friend, lol) this hard for a character since AngelDust, I-

Pwease be nonbinary friends with me, Lilia 🥺

THE ONLY PERSON HERE SHORTER THAN ME, BUT I’LL TAKE IT AJDHAKDHJS

Anyone know Corpse and how he plays Among Us? That’s how I see Lilia playing his video games with friends and I JUST I JUST I J U S T

The Spencer to your Carly.

He and Crowley are free to compete as Dad with me too like honestly kshdkadjjs

He’ll always be granpa tho uvu 💚💖🖤

Extras:

Ace

God, the Fucking Annoying Middle Brother that pranks you ALL THE DAMN TIME, but I love him andhakdhsk

Deuce

THE BROTHER THAT WILL BEAT UP YOUR BULLIES 💙💙💙 SWEET BABY BOY

The Josh to Ace’s Drake. The Cody to Ace’s Zack. The Freddie to your Carly and Ace’s Sam.

If he and Ace started dating, tho, I would CRY.

But regardless who they end up dating, it’ll be slow burn friends to lovers, and literally the most adorable shit to watch EVER 💞💞💞😭

Cater

Seems Like A Womanizer But Actually Drinks His Reapect Women Juice And We Stan That 🧡

Can always count on him to help tou get the best Magicram shots, bless you Cater 🧡🧡

Also rly wanna be his friend, ngl 😭 Even IF he pranks me a lot kadhakdhsj

Jack:

H E AV Y BR EA T H IN G

Ngl my feelings for him are in the air IDK IF I WANNA SMOOCH OR NOT YET I JUST KNOW I LOB HIM HE GOODEST BESTEST BOY 💛💛💛😭

If all three Savannaclaw bois got in a cuddle pile with me, I would Not Be Mad

How can I give this boy love, tell me and I will Do It

Gift him all the cacti’s he WANTS💛

God he drinks that respecc women juice bright and early on his run every morning, you KNOW he does 💛💛💛

I wawnt to pet his ears an tail an fwuffy wolf form 😭

I WAWNT TO SEE THE BOY SMILE AND BE HAPPY 💞💞💞

Sebek

CHILL CHILL CHILL CHILL CH-

He is a v devoted guard tho, we love to see it UvU

I don’t have more info on him hekdhskdj but his fanmade content seems v v sweet~ 💚

Silver

HE ATTRACTS BIRDS AND I CRY ABOUT IT PLEASE BE MY FRIEND AND TEACH ME HOW 🥺🥺🥺

Him being raised by Lilia and Malleus literally gives me so much Fucking Seratonin....... God 💞💕💗💗💞💞💗💗💕💞

Ortho

IS BABY????? IS BABY!!!!!! I’M LOVE HIM I’M ADOPTING HIM IS BABYYYYYYY 💙💙💙💙💙

Cheka:

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

He is so FUCKING CUTE what the FUCK!

Leonaaaaaaa... 🥺 Your NEPHEWWWWW 😭

I might steal him from Farrena tbh, lIKE MY CHILD NOW~ 🧡🧡

I just sob and hug him every time I see him honestly 😭

Teachers:

Dire Crowley

Ohhhhhh god oh god oh god

Be my dad. Please. Be my dad. PLEASE be my dad. Ya’ll think I’m joking, I’m not. Please adopt me. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

This man as a father gives me so much dopamine and oxytocin and seratonin??? I have been weeping for WEEKS, please adopt me, Sir

Fathers with zero braincells being wrapped around a daughter’s little finger makes me so weak, and I am just here with Daddy Issues like ajdhakdhsj BLEASE ADOPT ME MISTER BIRD MAN

Crewel

Ew.

Forgive me, I haven’t seen much content with him in it/that could be considered wholesome, bUT JADHWKDJSJ

UncoMFORTABLE

Please keep the kink talk out of the classroom, S I R

Call me puppy one more time, see what happens, I’m not scared to fight a teacher akdhakdhsj

Trein

The Dad Figure that tries to be the stern part to Crowley’s blumbering kahdkqrhsjdj

Don’t feel as much attachment to him emotionally, but I like him~

Just let me pet your cat sometimes and give you holiday presents, and we’re cool~ ♥️

Vargas

Found the womanizer //SMACKED

And of course, I can’t forget Grim~!

He’s grown on me, and if anything happens to him I will kill everyone in the room, and then myself 😭

I will pet and snuggle and hold him all he wants and feed him all the tuna his heart desires uvu 💙

[bristolpusher-blog]

Rainbow Six: Siege and why I love it.

History of Siege:

Rainbow Six: Siege is a tactical FPS game developed and published by Ubisoft (more specifically Ubisoft Montreal) during December 1st. The game is currently approaching the end of its third year and has reached around 35,000,000 (35 million) players, but it didn't start this way.

Siege's official gameplay trailer was shown at E3 is vastly different to the game upon release. The game trailer shows tactical and long rounds requiring large amounts of communication with little room for error, stunning graphics and interactive animation between the hostage and other players. No operators were shown indicating that originaly everyone would be the games current operator "Recruit" but with their own special loadout and no abilities with customisation likely being very limited.

The trailer ends with a standoff between a defender and an attacker firing shots with no answer to who won the round (probably to show that both sides are infact balanced and have equal chance of winning). You could even take a helicopter landing onto the roof which is badass (And probably would've saved us from the spawn peak craze, but more on that later) but alas the game changed vastly at some point during production.

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(I can't really talk about the beta as not only do I think it's not really important to understanding the history of siege as it played almost identically to day one release but I also have never played the beta version of Siege, However I will link a video to a closed Alpha gameplay video)

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1st of December 2015: Rainbow Six: Siege is released to the world with 20 operators (and everyone's favourite: Recruit of course) these included: SAS: Thatcher, Sledge, Smoke, Mute. FBI: Ash, Thermite, Castle, Pulse. GIGN: Montange, Twitch, Rook, Doc Spetsnaz: Fuze, Glaz, Tachanka, Kapkan GSG9: IQ, Blitz, Jager, Bandit

Giving two from each to the attacks and defenders. (Attackers left, Defenders right) Your starting team depended on your colour. Orange was Defence and Blue was attack with the teams rotating roles each round while maintaining their colour.

But the operators were locked behind walls of money called Renown. Luckily however this didn't effect the game too hard as within literally one match you had your first operator in that division. But the prices rose if you wanted to buy an operator in the same grouping. So if I bought SAS Thatcher all SAS ops would be more expensive (Unless using R6 credits the in game paid currency). My first operator was GIGN Montange a shield operator and my last was GIGN Rook who ironically became my most played defender so I just wish I'd bought him earlier. Each operator has a unique ability which changes the playstyle with limited resources that cannot be reloaded even in the terrorist hunt game mode which gives you ammo boxes.

Here's a link to a video containing all operator guns, and abilities:

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A season pass system was also announced by Ubisoft the first being Operator Black ice giving us two Canadian operators: Frost and Buck and this is what I think makes Siege so unique from other tactical FPS. These operations unlocked cosmetic items, new weapon skins (Most noted is the black ice renowned for being the best skin in the game) here's a list by Ubisoft of all rewards for the pass.

The JTF-2 operators, Frost and Buck, the Navy SEALs operators, Valkyrie and Blackbeard, the BOPE operators, Caveira and Capitão, and the SAT operators, Echo and Hibana. 600 R6 credits, R6 icon charm, premium pass until December 1st 2016. However these operators were available to everybody if they purchased them with free renown they got from playing matches (Around 150 if you lose and around 300 if you win) these operators cost a large amount but its not impossible as I did it myself to unlock Capitao.

In July 2017 Alpha packs were introduced. These unlocked through a sort of roulette wheel at the end of a winning game. The pack (if landed on a white bar you built up by playing games) contained cosmetic headgear and weapon skins until this season where Jager received a legendary uniform in Legendary Alpha packs. These packs are blind luck and you never know what they contain until you open them. If you have the season pass the pack percentage gets a 0.30% boost and when losing it goes up by 1.5% and when winning 3%. (Of course not including the additional bonus for season passes) these can be bought for varying amounts if Renown

These season passes continue until this day with free content such as maps, cosmetics and operators being released. (8 a year) As of writing this Grim Skies (Year 3 Season 3) is ongoing and the game is definitely had a few bumps this season with the introduction of Clash who's nerf patch hasn't been released at the time of writing.

And now the siege history lesson ends and my opinion begins. I LOVE Siege. I play it basically every day and never seem to tire of this. But I don't think that's just because of me being some addicted fan boy. I think that the reason Siege has become so popular and developed such a massive community is because the huge comeback it had. It was originally a huge failure with players leaving in mass. Thousands of videos on youtube pointed out its massive flaws until instead of abandoning it... Ubi started work. Bug fixes, anti cheat, graphics improvement. You name it, if the community asked Ubi delivered and they still do to this day. Even refusing to change Tachanka despite his huge meme status as being terrible simply because fans love him that way even releasing a cosmetic bundle called "Lord Tachanka" a huge fucking meme amoungst the community that the devs love too which just shows how tight knit we are as a game. While they did take a while to do it during the big Hack period they fixed that for fans and announced they would do so even before the big Youtubers jumped in on it.

Ubi revived Siege. And I can never really express just how thankful I am for that in words. I love this game and I can't wait for the next season or the next game.

Gameplay:

Now it's time to talk about the gameplay Holy shit is this fun. When something goes well and your team just clicks you forget you're playing a game. You're a squad of 5 elite special forces soldiers who's training has lead to an unstoppable wall of fire as your tear through your enemy and it only gets better when the enemy does so too. The rush you feel when a 1v1 comes after a long gun fight is tense and nerve-wracking as you feel your whole team watching you or calling info on cams or drones (More on that later) winning is satisfying and losing is crushing but you still don't want to give up. Because you know that with the right team and the right strats you can wipe the floor with even the best of players.

Games tend to last around 15 minutes in casual with three rounds won being the win and up to 30+ in Ranked. Each round has a drone phase where little black RC drones race around the map looking for the objective while defenders quickly reinforce the room with defences such as metal wall reinforcments, barbed wire, deployable shields, nitro cells (C4 explosive) and your defenders personal gadget. You then have 4 minutes to either complete the objective as Attackers or wipe the enemy team and vice versa as defenders.

There are currently 18 maps in Siege such as, House, Oregan and Presidential Plane with another map planned next season. My personal favourite is Clubhouse.

On your gun you can add various attachments such as scopes, grips and compensators. But it's hard for me to talk about that since it's mainly personal preference I almost always use Reflex but most like the Acog scope. Here's a list of what attachments you should put on guns according to Varsity Gaming who you should check out for tips and info on actual mechanics such as damage drop off on guns.

This brings us nicely to spawn peaking. Since defenders spawn 45 seconds prior to Attackers and there's fixed spawns Defenders began opening windows to shoot people as they exited a spawn area most prominently Jager and Bandit. This resulted in their Acog scopes being removed and eventually all Acog scopes from all 2 speed and 3 speed defenders giving a large advantage on the Attackers side as in long range encounters the 2.5x zoom of an ACOG will help massively. Here's another link to a video which marks all things removed or nerfed to the current date. It's still a sensitive topic today as spawn peaking still exists but you're much more likely to miss someone or get killed yourself when you do it.

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10 years of content has been announced but people do still doubt it but personally I think it can be done. Considering we're about to enter year 4 and the game is only growing in popularity I see no reason why it's going to stop any time soon. Especially now its practically one of the biggest Esports perhaps only being outdone by League and Dota with Overwatch declining it its recent years.

Not to mention the huge profit they overturn in cosmetics Ubi made pro league and elite skins, the later of which unlocks special MVP animations when equipped and winning as the largest point scorer.

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How to Play the game

Now let's discus the gamemodes. You have Casual and Ranked with Custom matches and Terrorist hunt being less of a central focus and an offline Situations mode for beginners to practice.

Casual matches assign random spawns, random defence points and has a cap limit of 5 rounds with a winner being declared after someone reaches 3 otherwise resulting in a draw which effects nothing and gives bad rewards considering you just both basically won.

Ranked gives you a choice of spawns, defence points and caps at 9 rounds with a winner either being declared at 4-2> or having to go to a 5 after it reaches 4-3. After winning a defence location defenders who won may no longer use that defence point until it reaches the overtime tie breaker rounds of 4-3 onwards where everything resets basically. Drone and round times are the same however for both casual and Ranked if an objective is being complete such as Hostage being extracted, Defuser is being/ is planted or Securing objective/contesting then like casual the timer will never end until someone either leaves the room or dies. If a user leaves a ranked match their space is never filled nd they receive a ranked match ban for 15 minutes which increases each time and leave penalty

All game modes feature a DBNO (Down but not out stage) where you will be knocked to the floor and a large + icon surrounded by a white circle slowly being ticked away by a red line creeping across will appear. Your vision will be impaired and movement reduced to a crawl. You will produce a blood trail leading the enemy to you if you crawl away. You can press and hold to stop movement but hold the blood in giving you more time to wait for a teamate to come help you up. Any damage you take will probably kill you and all revives (except Docs stim pistol and Finkas adredinal surge) will get you back up on 50 health and must be done when right next you the only exception to these rules is Zofia and Doc who can get themselves up if Doc has a stim left and Zofia needs no help at all and after a brief 5 second animation can get up on 1 health and continue to fight.

Gamemodes in Ranked and Casual are:

Hostage: Hostage must be extracted from defence point and taken outside to a red flare where you will extract him/her and win you can as with teammates kill the hostage instead of the minus 100 points and ban (and an additional -100) for killing two teammates like you may expect you're hit with an instant -500 points and an almost certain ban if you're not careful. And since Renown is given based off of points this will likely screw you out of any renown if you lose the match and don't receive the +2000 points for winning.

In Secure area you must enter the room with the container automatically beginning to secure it simply by being in the room however. A loud siren goes off wherever an enemy enters with a large "Contested objective" appearing above the icon that goes through walls for both teams if a defender is inside and a "Securing..." if not.

On Bomb there are two sites near eachother [A] and [B] with Attackers having to enter the room and plant a single defuser given to one member at the start of the round taking 7ish seconds to plant and 40ish seconds to defuse the bomb entirely however the bomb defuser can be destroyed by the defence team by approaching it and holding the button to defuse with the same 7ish seconds needed to defuse however during this time the defuser still continues to tick down and can pass the threshold of defusing the bomb while a defender defuses resulting in an attacking victory.

All of these gamemodes are 5vs5

Terrorist Hunt:

Terrorist Hunt features a range of difficulties: Normal, Hard and Fucking impossible (Realistic). These missions can either be done alone or with a team. Depending on difficulty team friendly damage is reduced so I'd recommend Team play if you want a lot of renown for not very much work at all.

Situations:

These missions have fixed objectives and must be done alone in single player. After completing all situations that teach you how to play you may take part in Article 15. A difficult mission in a realistic difficulty where you and 4 others must defuse 2 bombs inside the map Bartlett University with heavily obscured vision in yellow clouds filling the map obscuring enemies and the bodies that liter the ground.

Custom Games:

These allow modifiers for a 5vs5 with friends or less even allowing you to explore the map alone. You can change health, timers such as increasing defuse time, drone time, match time and the amount of rounds. You can even turn on pro league settings to have a tournament with your friends.

Shop:

Siege has an in game shop where you can purchase the previously mentioned elite skins and various other items such as weapon skins, Pro league sets and weapon skins, charms and even the glorious Lord Tachanka sets.

Final thoughts and review:

Siege is in my opinion one of the greatest FPS games of all time. It has incredible fans, Gameplay is smooth and fun and most importantly tense. If I could play just one game with all of you then you'd know how big a difference one person can make each match, how much communication changes the game and how often friends tk each other for cheesy spiderman jokes.

I highly recommend you purchase it. Or play a free weekend. With a starter edition being so cheap right now especially when a sale comes on the only real reason to avoid the game would be the toxic team killers we have. But since the new tk ban changes I've been teamkilled only 12 times. 2 by friends, 7 accident and three being toxic players. That's not however saying it doesn't happen. But trust me. Your teammates will straight up slam the fucker who does it. I don't think I've ever been killed in a ranked match except by Mira mains who want their walls or accidents especially at the higher ranks. I hope this helped you either get a look into my perspective on Siege. Or perhaps convinced you to give it a chance or reinstall. Trust me. Give it a chance like I did and you'll never regret it.

Informative Siege Videos:

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Siege Youtubers:

And of course the best Siege Youtuber of all time:

(This is my channel. Subscribe if you want I only upload for fun which I'm pretty happy with)

[elizabethleslie7654]

PissEarth, 2025

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Originally published on The American Sun by John Chapman on December 16, 2018.

““If much in the world were mystery the limits of that world were not, for it was without measure or bound and there were contained within it creatures more horrible yet and men of other colors and beings which no man has looked upon and yet not alien none of it more than were their own hearts alien in them, whatever wilderness contained there and whatever beasts.”

– Cormac McCarthy, “Blood Meridian, or the Evening Redness in the West”

“ＢＯＲＮ ＴＯ ＤＩＥ WORLD IS A FUCK 鬼神 Kill Em All 1989 I am trash man 410,757,864,530 DEAD COPS”

PissEarth, 2025

It is cliche at this point to speak of how horrified you are at the detritus of our postmodern world. There is, of course, a certain kind of thrill in digging beneath the pallid white corpses of decency to see what strange and mutated life is writhing beneath, just so you can scoop it up and toss it in the faces of your friends. However, it has become rote and formulaic to look at just another story of neoliberal capitalism functioning in its just-as-planned absurdity and pull out the clown horn to signal to your friends how far we’ve fallen and how far left there is to get to hell. Our receptors for rage-flavored dopamine need something more, our haterade must be topped off. So I come to you as a prophet and I offer you a vision of the world to come.

I offer you, PissEarth, 2025.

When one hears the name PissEarth, it may conjure up images of ammonia-scented oceans of fetid yellow water, ebbing and flowing in tide under a bloodmoon in a night-sky bereft of stars, while little islands of human refuse taper across like logs of flotsam and jetsam. The spirituality of such a world is not that far off. The seers who are blind know that they were blessed to have lost their sight. You, too, may find yourself in such a state, like Oedipus staring wistfully at the golden pins after his terrible, horrible, no-good very bad lunch date with the shepherd. Like Oedipus, you’re all tainted motherfuckers.

You must understand, I do not tell you these things to hurt you, but to warn you that this new world wants to hurt you. It will. Oh, believe me it will. PissEarth, 2025 is accelerated humanity, and there is no more room for obsolescent units that think in terms of the abolished humanity. They will not return you for store credit or sit you up in Dorothy McGillicuddy’s Home for Antiques. Anything less than total depravity of your spirit, dispossession of your body, and annihilation of your mind would be a mercy. I say ‘you’ because if ‘you’ are still reading this past the first 150 words, then you are already a member of the abolished.

Everything you hate, everything you fear, everything that disgusts you inside, all of that will come quite naturally to PissEarth, 2025. A totalistic reality wholly assumed with no history. What you see now as the “slippery slope” will simply be the waterslide into a community piss-pool everyone will be baptized in. You will never gawk, never sigh and point at just how far we’ve come. You’ll be amazed at the efficiency of it all when it whittles down the Buddha’s Four Noble Truths down to just the very First one.

“I teach suffering.”

– some Indian who sat under a tree

Let us be clear. There is Clown World, and there is PissEarth. When we speak of Clown World, we speak of the contradictions and absurdities that the present culture and political order are built on. We speak of a president who is able to shoot impotent missiles at a country his own citizens can’t find on a map but who is powerless to stop a caravan of admixtured Aztecs wearing the hand-me-downs that Fat Bob of Fat Bob’s T-Shirt Emporium wasn’t able to sell. We speak of the nation grounding to a halt over whether or not little girls should be exposed to the Halloween parade hopped up on homemade HRT hobbling into their bathrooms. We speak of dozens of men who have lost gainful employment for making OKAY signs in photos because the Morris Dees newsletter fell for a prank from mischievous, anonymous frogs.

When we speak of these clownish things, we speak with a feeling that dragging these things into the light and exposing them for all the world to see will allow the light to shine in and obliterate the vampires with its cleansing sunbeams. These are all flashpoints in the broad and all-encompassing culture war that the West has found itself embroiled in, with each day yielding a brand new skirmish to deploy for, though the war is already lost. When we speak of Clown World, we speak of trying to find a way to shoo out the clowns.

PissEarth is different. PissEarth is the surrender. PissEarth is the occupation. PissEarth is the Morgenthau Plan for your shattered psyche. PissEarth is the moment this has all been building up to. Clown World ain’t nothing on PissEarth, 2025, the real Greatest Show on Earth.

WORLD IS A FUCK

“Get on with it,” I hear you (and the editor) say, “You’ve talked enough, like you’re trying to warn us from hearing out your vision, like no matter how awful it is we aren’t going to look anyway. Just put me in the hurt-box, please. Just show me what sights there are to behold.”

Very well. Behold, PissEarth, 2025.

Behold PissEarth, where the tech-giants have spread their privatized favelas far-and-wide, where debt-ridden PhDs hustle from gig-to-gig, chasing bounties that allow you to snitch on anyone insufficiently committed to diversity. It will become a game all unto its own, with high scores for ‘scalps’ that were claimed, no matter how absurd the bounties one gets. The dopamine must flow.

Behold PissEarth, where you celebrate your abortion from a mail-order kit as you make a public pledge to reduce your carbon footprint by remaining childless while Nuevo Americano rides a river of trash into your welcoming arms. Adopting enormous underprivileged families becomes the norm as a form of public atonement, and their weak-chinned fathers beam with pride and joy that their daughters are doing such a public service to the world.

Behold PissEarth, where pornographers have the social capital to demand and force aggressive men to watch pornography lest their employment and finances are endangered, mocking them for the damage it does at the same time. A thousand smirking social climbers, all in unison saying “have a fap, you’ll feel better” as their malice goes unchecked.

Behold PissEarth, where procreation is a quaint novelty–every boy a girl, every girl a boy, belonging to everyone and no one, in beautiful rainbow shades of light brown to dark brown, as even the socially ostracized will respect the pronoun and they will suck the feminine penis. Then real communism can finally be tried.

Behold PissEarth, where war is abolished but skirmishes are constant and daily with little purpose to them other than the grim remains of human resistance or simple lashings of animal rage.  No one is happy, but at last they are free. A friendly notification pops up in your latest smart-device, warning you of which roads to avoid for threat of most recent self-contained riot.

Behold PissEarth, with such technological wonders like the IUD that filters the microplastics out of your dick, “air purifiers” in place of trees, and artisanal soylent green but it’s from free-range, cruelty-free cockroaches. Status vloggers chase clicks by dumping half their paycheck to eat dressed up prole food made for them by a group of queer hijabis who receive their funding from a nearby corporation.

Behold PissEarth, where the purpose of a lifetime of labor is to fund research into how corpulent immovable masses of flesh can have better and more revolutionary forms of sex. The research and test subjects themselves become their own programming, another screen to pass the time in your shrinking apartment.

Behold PissEarth, where every neurosis has become a fetish to be enacted in order to attain collective cummies, to be taught in schools, and to be talked about incessantly on perpetual content devices. While the fear of pedophiles will always remain as a release vale for anger, its normalization will be so thorough that vigilantism against it is arbitrary.

Behold PissEarth, where the President will be a figurehead American idol, sworn-in on a human resources manual as they pledge to do their utmost to continue the pursuit of equality before a million teeming masses yearning to breathe at all in the crowd so that they can snap selfies for their social credit score. Though the president will be known as a figurehead, and though everyone will acknowledge that tech corporations have all the power, everyone still states solemnly the importance of a hallowed or is it hollowed democratic institution.

Behold PissEarth, where the gods of the new world are men disfigured into chimeras made from the new sacred rituals and paraded out in victory for their ascendance. Where children are made to be their wards by loving and approving parents. The parents will allow their children to be “babysat” by these creatures, in order that values of acceptance be inculcated at an early age.

Behold PissEarth, where any intellectual curiosity beyond the new and revised canon will be immediately suspect, where not having a strong opinion on the most current pop culture multimedia franchise will mark you with a big red flag on your social credit score, where you will never be able to escape the perpetual content stream as the algorithms pioneered by Netflix find a way to be lodged inside your brain like some kind of mind-control slug slithering its way inside. Your future has been written by media mathematics.

Behold PissEarth, where your experience with nature is a virtual reality simulation that you share with the few people online that you’ve been able to light any embers of a human connection with. Though the simulation glitches and shimmers in an unnatural way, you cling to this image because that little voice in the back of your head fears what you will do if you lose even this little bit of hope’s simulacrum.

I can hear you protest that this is already happening. Yes, the sprouts have sprung but they have not yet bloomed. Only when you have accepted all of these things as assumed and normal, when instead of being complacent your friends and family applaud it will you truly understand the reality of PissEarth, 2025. There will be no more pieces to point and gawk and decry that the world has gone mad. It will all be as staid as the abolished Sunday dinner.

This is what you must understand about the reality of PissEarth, 2025. Everything you joke about is assumed. Everything you satirize is simple reality. Whatever protests you think you’ll register against it simply won’t exist. You’ll keep your head down and just try to get through this life if you have any thoughts of rebellion, because you saw what Clown World did to the ones before you. You saw what it did to your friends, your family, and your brothers. You have accepted that you are but a drop of wine in the entire piss-bucket.

Technology will improve, but your quality of life will not. Materially it will not. Spiritually it will not. Every force that champions this great progress being made will be actively trying harm you every which way in totalistic system if there is any sense that you are not on board or there was a point you were never on board.

If you truly wish to understand PissEarth, 2025 on an intellectual level beyond the confetti-and-glitterbomb sermon I’ve laid out, then you must understand the nature of post-totalitarian ideology. Vaclav Havel lays out many of these concepts in his work The Power of the Powerless but elucidates the nature of PissEarth quite well in his concept of the greengrocer:

“{9} The post-totalitarian system touches people at every step, but it does so with its ideological gloves on. This is why life in the system is so thoroughly permeated with hypocrisy and lies: government by bureaucracy is called popular government; the working class is enslaved in the name of the working class; … Because the regime is captive to its own lies, it must falsify everything. It falsifies the past. It falsifies the present, and it falsifies the future. It falsifies statistics. …

{10} Individuals need not believe all these mystifications, but they must behave as though they did, or they must at least tolerate them in silence, or get along well with those who work with them. For this reason, however, they must live within a lie. They need not accept the lie. It is enough for them to have accepted their life with it and in it. For by this very fact, individuals confirm the system, fulfill the system, make the system, are the system. . . . .”

The difference between Havel’s greengrocer and the PissEarth denizen is that the people of the former are a people trained to avoid negative stimuli while the latter have learned to love the negative stimuli. They embrace it as a mission, as a religious calling, and like Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ they will strike their own perverted Christlike pose and submerge themselves wholly into these bodily fluids. They will immerse themselves and baptize themselves into a world they will lovingly embrace despite every dissonant thought, despite every horrible incident, and despite every pain that’s inflicted on them. They will hate you if you try to pull them out of it.

This is the totalistic reality of PissEarth, 2025.

Okay, Yeah, That Sounds Pretty Awful. How Do I Escape From PissEarth?

You don’t. You don’t escape PissEarth. You fight. You struggle. You take your Boomer father’s yacht that he spent your inheritance on and like Johansen you ram that shit as far into Cthulhu’s sleepy eye as you possibly can. Regardless of how it all ends. You delegitimize the system. You take everything you possibly can get from it and you rob it blind any way you can. Legally of course through any clever loophole you can find, because (taps NSA microphone) we’re good upright citizens who don’t commit any crimes and disavow any and all illegal activity.

Some seek a much more simple way to terminate this endless suffering. Listening to the wisdom of the modern nomads, they have joined the caldera deathcult and pray earnestly five times a day in the direction of Yellowstone for one final eruption to scald away our modern sins. Along this same vein, even the insects in people suits who work unpaid overtime to bring about PissEarth, 2025 stare hopefully up at the stars, not to explore them but to pull down a meteor and simply end it all. Personally, I’m pulling for a nice little grey goo scenario, an experiment of the Han Empire run amok that engulfs, smothers, and consumes the entire world. These are understandable expressions. The trashworld citizen, who knows the world for what it is, who often sat in silence like a totemic mystic once intoned “we are fucking up shit that cannot be easily unfucked“. It’s the bleak reality of a grim future, so why not end it all with a pithy “gg, everybody”.

I have another vision though. A hypnopompic one not as clear, like a dream that fades in the morning but you retain some inkling of it as you go about your day-to-day life. When I meditate I can almost see it within my mind’s eye.

I can see that even in a world lit up in gasoline-doused fires, where pain is maximal, there are men who have learned to love life so much that they will defend the last dignified patch of wood with their very lives, and not a care for how little it all means. I can still see little babies being born and suckling at their mother’s breasts in the dark of night as plastic meteors go down over the lonely mountains. I can see bands of foolhardy boys laugh about the stories they’ve heard, when technological demons once roamed the earth. I can see cold, bitter days made just a bit less uncomfortable by a fire that people learned to light by their grandfathers and great-uncles.

It must be made clear that these green dreams are not premonitions, only some slumbering notions of a better future after the inevitable long dark. Extinction is always on the table, always a possibility, and that wave of existential terror thunders inside like a beating heart in every action.

Short of a miraculous consciousness simultaneously sweeping across the great swaths of the abolished humanity, you will not stop PissEarth. It lumbers and slouches toward us, consuming everything it sees with the moral imperative of a brimstone preacher. To fight against PissEarth will be to engage in the inner jihad, to always be at war with one’s self and the world as the wars of PissEarth, 2025 are maximal wars. The forever wars.

We are not the middle children of history. We are the abandoned children of history, set down in the bulrushes of a river so polluted that it’s being set on fire. Like the Cuyahoga, I don’t know if this one has any chance of being fixed in time to undo any of the damage. Humanity has been abolished and PissEarth is rolling out the recall. You might call this bleak, you might call this depressing, but the facts are the facts and it has become clear there are two types of people in the modern world and there will only ever be these two types of people. Those who want to live and those who want to die. Those who want to die, who have given up on life, are the denizens of PissEarth, whose own lives are simulacrum broadcast back to them by malevolent entities charging them for the privilege. Those who want to live will, to a man and woman, be banished to the outer dark and be made to fend for themselves against every hostile entity, their own just desserts for rejecting the Superior Future.

Do you love life? Do you want life for your descendants? Do you want any hope against just how bad things are going to be? Then you better learn to swim in a burning river, my man, because what else are you going to do?

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those asks??? do em all buddy go nuts

ask and ye shall recieve

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?When You Believe, You Will Be Found, Danse Macarbe, 96000, Africa, and Hey Jude2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?Queen Elizabeth. She’s an absolute legend, and I’m going to be devastated when she dies. 3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.Maria Eva Duarte de Peron had in large quantities many of the qualities needed to lift her from obscurity to fame4: What do you think about most?What the hell I’m going to do with my life5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“You up for DTBD tonight??”6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?Depends on the season. In autumn and winter I do, but sometimes summer can be way too warm (even at night)7: What’s your strangest talent?I can sightread sheet music perfectly8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls will be girls. Boys need to grow the hell up.9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?Not explicitly, no. 10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?I honestly can’t remember11: Do you have any strange phobias?No12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?I had a piece of lego up there when I was a little kid13: What’s your religion?I’m Roman Catholic14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Tanning, taking photos or reading in the shade15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind it.16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?I don’t think I have one. I fluctuate between favourite songs, and bands are even harder17: What was the last lie you told?I claimed having to work so I could be designated driver so I didn’t have to drink18: Do you believe in karma?I do. I try to do good things so good things happen to me. 19: What does your URL mean?I’ve loved Elizabeth Schuyler since I was an actual child, and her familial nicknames were Liza and Betsey20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?I’m so awkward around people I don’t know. I like to think I am the most supportive person you will ever knoe21: Who is your celebrity crush?Gal Gadot22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?No!23: How do you vent your anger?Throwing pillows around and screaming24: Do you have a collection of anything?I’m working on a playbill collection of shows helmed by women. I started collecting shells from every beach I visit when I was a kid, and I still do that now. 

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Video chatting- I love seeing peoples faces when I talk to them26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?I’m content. I wouldn’t say happy yet, but I’m getting there27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?Microphone feedback is literally the worst. Orchestras warming up is the greatest sound you will ever hear28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I dropped out of my degree and moved down to Canberra now, rather than in two years?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I think ghosts are just the memory of people who have lived. I do believe people see them. I absolutely refuse to think that humans are the only sentient species in the entire universe. 30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.A mug of tea. A potted plant31: Smell the air. What do you smell?Freshly cut grass and cold air32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?A B&B in Sydney that boiled the sausages for breakfast33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?I live on an east coast, so I’m biased34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?If I had to choose, probably Calvin Harris35: To you, what is the meaning of life?Living to the best of your ability36: Define Art.Subjective37: Do you believe in luck?Yes38: What’s the weather like right now?Windy and kind of chilly. But not cold yet.39: What time is it?10:25am40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?I do! No (knock on wood). I’ve been in the car when it has crashed, but I’ve never caused it.41: What was the last book you read?The Book of the Dead by the New York Times. It’s a collection of the obituaries they’ve published since they were founded. It’s grim, but so interesting42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?A little, yes43: Do you have any nicknames?So many! My favourite is Goldilocks (I used to have really long, blonde, curly hair) 44: What was the last film you saw?Moana. I was babysitting my neighbours daughters and they suggested it. 

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?Okay so I was a water polo player for years, and had some major beef with this girl. We played against each other in an interschool competition. It was a REALLY violent game. I ended up giving her a black eyes and I loosened some of her teeth- she gave me a concussion, a cracked rib, and managed to nearly dislocate my knee. Oh yeah, and I nearly drowned. Great times. We aren’t allowed to play on opposing teams anymore.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?I almost always have a bouquet of flowers with me, and they like to land on me, but I’ve never caught one47: Do you have any obsessions right now?Vinyl records48: What’s your sexual orientation?Cis-straight49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?That I had sex with four people in a tent on the one night. Yeah, nope. This girl doesn’t have sex in tents. This girl doesn’t even camp.50: Do you believe in magic?Not the fairy magic, but yes51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?Oh my god yes52: What is your astrological sign?Aries53: Do you save money or spend it?I try to save, but usually end up spending it all.54: What’s the last thing you purchased?A pair of Rosie the Riveter-style overalls for a 1940′s themed costume party55: Love or lust?Love. It’ll last longer56: In a relationship?Not right now57: How many relationships have you had?Two. Maybe three, but we never defined what it was58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No.59: Where were you yesterday?I was at work60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?My headphones, mouse pad and fingernails61: Are you wearing socks right now?No62: What’s your favourite animal?Quokkas. Literally the cutest things I have ever seen63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?64: Where is your best friend?In Sydney (I only see her once a year, which is just not good enough for me)65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.lucreziaborgia, runawayforthesummer, and that’s literally it. 66: What is your heritage?My dad is Italian, my mother is Australian. His family are Italian, her family are Irish and English67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Drinking the university bar dry68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?Smith or Jones. Lucifer Smith sounds terrifying, does it not?69: Biggest turn ons?Neck kisses, a well-tailored suit, button up shirts with the sleeve pushed up over the elbow, a uniform (especially army), just a little bit of scruff70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?I think so, yes.71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?Save the dog. I’m the boss at work, so if I get fired, everything collapses.72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?I’d tell my family and close friends. I’d spend all my money on travel- see more shows, roadtrip, party. I wouldn’t be afraid.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.Trust.74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?The Cha Cha Slide. so many good memories attached to that song, and it’s impossible not to smile when you’re dancing to it.75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?346276: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Trust and openness 77: How can I win your heart?Flowers, a new edition of a classic book, and a love of music and theatre78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?Yes. It gives you a perspective that not a lot of other people have79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?Dumping my last boyfriend. That little shit was going nowhere in life. 80: What size shoes do you wear?I’m an 1181: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“You still owe me money”82: What is your favourite word?Fuck. or serendipity because it’s so fun to say83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Warm84: What is a saying you say a lot?“I’m just putting it out there”85: What’s the last song you listened to?Hello Hurricane by Switchfoot86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?Rose pink, mint green and sky blue87: What is your current desktop picture?My best friend and dabbing on top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Donald Trump

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?Have you ever gotten pregnant?90: Turn offs?Not showering, sexism/racism, cargo pants, CROCS91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Invisibility92: where are your parents from? Dad is from Tully, mum is from Longreach93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?First boyfriend cheating on me. 94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?I dont’ know.95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?New York City96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Not that I know of97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?Nope. I’ve been driving when someone has thrown up, but never done it myself98: Ever been on a plane?All the time!99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?Y’all have got to fucking chill