#fuckin' at me with my emotional and mental and family issues and shit in both a bad and good way lmao

[izzy-b-hands]

Attempting to organise the our flag characters into levels for that complete cast challenge thing bc surely attempting this challenge on hard mode with a huge cast will help my writer's block/s

and checking imdb for all of it and just....there's a guy on here for a character named Dax, and it went uncredited and i'm just sat here like. Whomst in the fuck was Dax and where was he. How in the fuck am I gonna write for this guy and the huge list of other extras when I can't even place the fucking scene some of them were in. Like, some like Abshir I remember of course but others im just. fuckin' patrick looking under his rock like 'whomst the fuck are y'all????' I know I probably saw y'all but had no idea this is who you were meant to be playing and-

I make good decisions lmao

[officialvoiceofgenerationx]

A teenage girl, frustrated and hurt by the cold indifference of her family wishes for escape. She enters into a fantasy world where no one and nothing can be trusted. The innocent are never safe, the beautiful turn out to be malicious and her friends are plotting against her. She is lied to, misdirected and constantly blocked by random obstacles. She is always in danger of being sexually exploited by a powerful older man, who tells her that it's all her fault. In the end, victorious at last, she returns to reality, which is so much fucking worse than anything she's been through so far. The final consolation is that she can always disassociate to escape.

What a perfect movie for children growing up in the '80s.

Well, not quite perfect. Sarah Williams, the main character, is 16, which is 4 or 5 years too old for the girl-coming-of-age plotline, and the whole thing is a bit too cutesy. Nevertheless, it is pretty accurate for a fantasy movie.

Some people get their panties in a bunch about the age difference between Sarah and the Goblin King, as if they were romantically involved. That's bullshit. The Goblin King is not Sarah's boyfriend. He's a predator. He doesn't want to marry her and live happily ever after - he wants to rape her.

I was pretty happy to watch Labyrinth with my kid a few years ago, when they were 8 or 9. They enjoyed the funny parts and were scared by the scary bits. They were satisfied by the ending. I, of course, was able to see shit that I hadn't seen before. It's dark, yes, but the best stories for children have always been dark. Go read Little Red Ridinghood - that's some dark shit. The Big Bad Wolf is Satan and you can bets your ass the threat of rape looms large in that story.

You want to talk about a late '80s fantasy movie that is problematic? Sit through The Princess Bride.

Twenty years after Labyrinth, Guillermo del Toro did Pan's Labyrinth, which is a much better version of the same story. Pan's Labyrinth stands alone, of course, but I think it benefits from familiarity with Labyrinth.

Addendum: I got some replies and Tumblr won't let me respond as Official Voice Of Generation X for some reason, so I'm doing it this way.

How the fuck you gonna tell me I'm reading too much into a metaphor? It's a fucking metaphor - reading shit into it is why it exists.

"16 is THE age for coming-of-age plot"? Really? Here's a couple other girl-coming-of-age stories for you - Little Red Riding Hood, Pan's Labyrinth. In both of those the girl is 10 or 11. The triggering event is the onset of menses, not getting a driver's license. All the other late '80s movies that portrayed teenagers - Heathers, The Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink &c - showed them being sexually active, using drugs and dealing with serious issues like physical and emotional abuse, violence and mental illness. Labyrinth showed a 16yo girl playing with dolls. I was born a year after Molly Ringwald and a year before Jennifer Connelly. The Breakfast Club is a much more realistic portrayal of teens in the '80s than Labyrinth.

I'm pretty open about my trauma here, honey. I'm fuckin' Gen X - we're all fucked up.

Labyrinth and Pan's Labyrinth are both about girls who have infant brothers - representing their own maternal capabilities. In both, the girls have to face off against monsters to save their brothers. There are a lot of differences, but those two movies have a lot more incommon with each other than either does with Alice - which is also great.

The Goblin King wants Sarah to be his queen. He wants to have a marital relationship with her. He's an adult, she's a child. The actors were 39 and 16. In case any of this was unclear, the filmmakers made sure that the Goblin King's bulging crotch was prominently displayed in several scenes. Watch the ballroom scene - that's overtly sexual. Maybe you think a 39yo man coercing a 16yo girl into a marriage is fine, but I call that rape. And he clearly tells her it's her fault. The predatory older man is the standard villian in girl-coming-of-age stories because girls need to know what to look out for.

[weabooweedwitch]

I say this as someone who's followed you for years and with as much kindness as possible:

Get the fuck away from your mother. Ditch her fuckin ass. She's repeatedly making things worse and refuses to learn. You need to get away from her, for your own good.

I know I might be repeating what other people have said, or even what you have thought of doing, but holy shit this bitch is actively ruining your life through sheer stupidity.

I hope things get better

I feel bad that people have to keep giving me this kind of advice because I realize it's the most obvious answer, and there are multiple reasons separating from my mother would be good for us both. I feel bad that i keep sharing all these worrying stories and worrying people and then at the end of the day, I'm way too scared to actually try and fix things. I just worry so much about not being able to take care of myself, not being able to drive, what if I go somewhere and it's harder if not impossible for me to get to work, just. I worry about everything. Honestly the thing that worries me the most is keeping my job or not being able to transfer if I went somewhere else. My wage is currently $19 an hour, my 58 yo mom was making $22, so like, I'm helping hold it all together with rent BECAUSE of that income. I'm so scared of losing that.

I've had people ask if there's any family I can go to and the only possible option would be maybe my father who is in another state, I cannot remember if it is in Illinois or Missouri (ugh, they may have passed recreational weed but thats the only good thing thats came outta thar state in like the last 2 decades). And I don't know if that would be good either. But it's an option I'm beginning to consider. But I am sort of still in the reconnecting process with my dad and we've butted heads a few times and he also has his own physical and emotional issues. Actually I think he is where I inherited a lot of mental illness from because he also has an anxiety disorder and we are almost positive he has equinus like me. He also has developed type 2 diabetes and I am really bad with sugar impulse control, what if I hurt my dad because I can't stop bringing sweets into the house and he eats them too 🥺

It just. Personally makes me hate myself to even think of "hiya pops, we've barely spoken in the last 10 years, I've been really ahitty about talking to you consistently since we've said hi again and lost my temper with you a few times, hey I know you're on a fixed income and out of a job right now (or was, maybe he has one now, we've spoken so little idk) but is it OK if I come live in your house as a whiny codependent barely functioning weed addict of an adult?" 😅

But yeah I just. This is really. It just never ends. I keep fighting myself and beating myself up on "who's right, am I right, am I wrong, am I overreacting, whats going on, what do I do, someone tell me what to do because I'm too stupid to do things right" and it's just. I also still love my mother even if that love is being increasingly mixed with resentment. I worry about her ability to take care of herself because her health is getting worse and, like, I worry about her mentally a lot. Like this tooth infection she has, is because she doesn't have the best dental hygiene, and had fillings and such, and even after needing fillings still takes shit care of her teeth, and was putting off getting like broken teeth and such taken care of, and, they're now having to pull SEVEN of her back teeth. She'll need dentures to eat certain foods now. And I'm not better, I basically stopped brushing my teeth for many years because I literally expected to be dead before they rotted out of my mouth and now I'm scrambling to adopt that routine again, and also like.

Sorry but my mom and a dentist literally lied to me when i was a little girl and said i had several cavities because they thought i would be scared into brushing my teeth and all that did was convince me everything was pointless and needed to give up since it was already damaged, and she refuses to apologize or even acknowledge how that literally helped me develop a complex and felt helpless when SHE LIED TO ME, A CHILD, HER CHILD (and also i think my difficulty keeping routines is a combination just needing to apply myself and having adhd issue because like, I've been pretty good with my skincare at least)

I just. I love her but I hate her. If I'm not careful to keep myself calm I'm going to escalate to the physical level. And to be honest I've had the opinion for many years that, all those times my mom told extremely age inappropriate stories to little tiny baby Miranda about her experiences with assault and domestic violence, even as a kid I would think, "well you like don't listen, you shut people down, you insist youre always right, I want to hit you all the time too, maybe it wasn't them but maybe you got yourself hit by constantly pushing everyone around you to their breaking point" like clearly that's not a healthy thought to have and I. I am kind of convinced at this point that almost every single bad thing that had ever happened to this woman was her own fault in some way shape or form. But you could also say that about me

What's scary is that I can't even think of going anywhere without having savings first and I'm constantly being pushed to my limits to the point I don't HAVE any savings, it's all getting sucked up. I dunno how else I can get out of this pit and I'm just, mentally worn down from any entire life of this. I feel useless and exploited at home and then I go to work and feel useless and exploited at work and by society. Like. Life feels so bleak. My Canadian friend is getting in worse health. I still have a lot of affection for him but he's also uh done and said a few things I really disagree with on personal levels and it, gives me some pause, like. I genuinely am so sad all the time. I need to go back to the psychiatrist to get some medicines again but, I am working and making enough money that after my state insurance expires in October, I'll have to go through my work, and that doesn't 100% cover everything so, j wouldn't be able to afford anything at that point

Just. Ugh. I try to write down my thoughts and listen to music and try to write on my other blog to cheer myself up but I just. What can you do right. What am I good for. What is anyone good for. What is this world itself good for. Our entire species is gonna go extinct with climate change anyways. Why should I keep struggling and suffering like this when it's. Idk. Arguably all for nothing. We'll all be nothing more than just dogs following commands and paying bills until we die

[liketheinferno2]

MET GAIA. She's so funny. She's someone's mary sue goth girl early 00s special edgelord baby oc and I love her, I love that she exists

It has not stopped being hysterical to see this design next to..... ANYONE ELSE

Especially Ryne's little Autism Creature face my god. I love this kid. Found family content. Although I thought about it a bit, and if Ryne's family were biological the story needn't change all that much -- the overarching thing is akin to losing an older sibling and having to deal with the emotional consequences of the parent who actually knew them being fucked up about it. Not like Rielle and Sid where the impromptu adoption is the only possible explanation for their dynamic. I digress, but there's a reason hackin' slashin' single dad with a ue ue little girl to take care of is a trope that keeps coming back, it's a GOOD one.

Ryne has a lot of normal girl problems. It's so real to feel burdensome when you're being single-parented by someone who works themself to death instead of interacting with you, so I always loved their story, but this is the real payoff. Perfect parents in fiction don't mean jack shit to me personally, but the mentally ill guardian who fucks up but then loves their kid enough to listen to them and change for the better is where the real meat is.

Anyway the Eden Raids so far are "dad's remarried and no one's used to it yet" vibes with a good helping of "parents don't know how to deal with daughter dating someone they don't approve of" and both are hilarious and good. These two are so. Like. URIANGER WON'T STOP REMINDING THANCRED HE'S MONOGAMOUS NOW

Fuckin??? Lmao

Urianger calling Ryne "my dear," Thancred just fully embracing the fact that they're family and bringing it up a lot of times because Ryne had insecurity about that, the entire concept of preparing her to live on her own when they leave, I'm eating it with a spoon, god it's good. My WOL's a single dad used to dealing with histrionic daughter and in my mind they've brought him not just for fightin' reasons but like. SUPERVISION lol.

There's a lot of characters in this that feel painfully real and plenty more that feel fake in a good way -- Ryne's penchant for short sighted well intentioned motivational therapy speeches because she's SOOO worried about EVERYBODY is extremely real lol, you can tell she's trying to give back to Gaia what the Scion family gave to her in terms of self regulation skills. As is it blowing back in her face when she directs it at people who haven't heard anything like that and dismiss it as mushy bullshit when I have REAL PROBLEMS. LIKE FAIRIES. AND DAAARKNESS.

HER LITTLE UWU EYES FULL OF TEARS!! Let's go lesbian. I think Gaia needed to experience someone willing to cry for her because the incessant complaining feels like it's come from no one else acknowledging there's issues here. I'm lovin' these raids so far.

[kiwi-the-servamp-addict]

Ehhhh fuck it I can't sleep so

What Servamp character you kin says about you

(This is for jokes please don't get offended-)

Mahiru: I love you but please take a fucking break you can't do everything for everyone and that's ok also please go to therapy there's also a lot to unpack there

Kuro: welcome to the sad bitch club where we think we don't deserve to get human kindness go to fucking therapy (unlike I who will in fact not) and like take a nap (and I'm guessing you're either simping for Mahiru or in love with a Mahiru kinnie)

Hugh: you like hearing the chisme around your family which honestly same bro but go to fucking therapy

Tetsu: I love you with my whole heart and you're probably clueless sometimes or the youngest in the friend group but please also go to therapy

Mikuni: you have daddy issues don't you? And probably a lot for trauma go to fuckin therapy you heartless bitch (in a caring way kinda)

JeJe: you're the quiet friend that's at their fucking limit which honestly I probably don't blame you but you also got some issues going on so please go to therapy

Freya: I literally love you you're a bad bitch stay being a bad bitch literally marry me/hj but please do go to therapy

Iduna: I love you as well and you're probably trying to stop that one friend from making a big ass mistake which honestly I am that friend- not the point- also go to therapy please I feel like you're going to need it

Tsurugi: family issues, mommy issues, daddy issues idk which one it is but it's one of them and probably a bunchhhh of childhood trauma so please for the love of God go. to. therapy

Hyde: you fucking theatre kid you're probably in love with a Licht kinnie huh? you also have A LOT to unpack so go to therapy you sad bitch

Licht: yes I'm aware you have a dumbass friend who you love dearly (may that be platonic or romantic) and look I know you might think you might not need it but please go to therapy

World end: I fucking love you and I'd marry you on the spot. But uh you also got some hidden issues there and it seems to be a lot to unpack so please go to therapy you can't keep it in forever

Nicco: look. I know it's scary but we're gonna have to do whatever it is eventually (we're I mean by me as well) also you definitely have trauma (is it childhood trauma?) so please go to therapy

Cappuccino: you're not fooling anyone you're in love with your childhood best friend aren't you? Yes I'm coming for your throat you ain't fooling nobody you also have a lot to unpack so go to therapy

Shuuhei: listen here bitch living off of caffeine isn't good for your health, listen to that friend trying to stop you, and please for the love of God TAKE A FUCKING BREAK and you definitely got some childhood trauma so go to therapy you bottled up emotion bitch (yes I'm also calling myself out)

Lily: I love but sweetie, honey, literally someone I'd die for I know you have trauma and you're constantly bottling up your emotions that's not good and I know you try to keep a smile on your face that's not good sweetie sometimes you just break and that's ok and please go to therapy (I in fact will not be going to therapy)

Misono: I can't tell if you have daddy issues or childhood trauma that or it's both and you sometimes feel like you aren't good enough but you're doing your best and please if you have a friend who kins Lily please check up on them (or if any of your friends kin a Servamp character that's literally the first sign they aren't mentally stable-) but uh please go to therapy

Tsubaki: LISTEN HERE YOU FUCKING BITCH go to therapy. Please stop doing dangerous shit. You're worrying your friends. And 𝙎𝙏𝙊𝙋 for the love of God stop fucking playing off your issues like they're nothing your feelings fucking matter you bitch

Sakuya: you definitely have childhood trauma or you have trust issues either way you need therapy also please don't stalk people yes even on social media also if that friend is concerned for you please fucking listen

Toru, Iori, Touma: go. to. FUCKING. therapy

Yumikage: you probably have a lot of bottled up emotions please don't do that that's not good for you mental health go to therapy

Junichiro: you're trying your best and thats enough please still go to therapy I feel like there's a lot to unpack

Miyako: you're literally beautiful and I'd also marry you on the spot but I feel like there's some trauma there and a bit to unpack so I suggest therapy

Gear: you probably are still holding some sort of grudge but you probably have a bit of self hatred and some trauma so please go to therapy

Youtarou: look you may think you're fine but there're obviously some trauma there and some other emotions I can't figure out so please therapy

Inner Kuro: I'm already making the therapy appointment there's no way of getting out of this

Inner Lily: look I know you just want them to be safe but it wouldn't be normal if they were safe all the fucking time ok? And you also have a lot to unpack so therapy please

Inner Freya: ..... You scare me.... And you need therapy...

Inner Hyde: you can't keep that energetic attitude the entire time go to fucking therapy you can't fucking fool me I know a depressed bitch when I see one

That's all I got

Should I do what character you simp for says about you next?

[mimik-u]

“Homeworld Bound” Thoughts:

I wasn’t going to watch this one today, but then I realized that I really missed the Diamonds and wanted to consume novel content, so!

OOH, good on the show for taking us directly to the aftermath of “Fragments” instead of putting space between the episodes. That’s just... a really good choice narrative wise.

Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl’s expressions are so distressing here. He’s been gone for three days; they must’ve been so worried.

Jasper steps aside to reveal an absolutely ruined Steven.

He just technically killed a gem and then resurrected her. How intensely will that forever lie on his psyche? Oh my g od

NO, NOT JASPER PASSIVELY MAKING THE DIAMOND SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND AUGH

“You can’t just disappear for days without telling us!”

Steven silent walking up to the Observatory as the Gems continue to freak the fuck out is harrowing. And Dee Dee Magno Hall is killing it with her voice acting here. The simultaneous fear and anger and horror in her voice. Oh my g d

“You guys... I love you, but you can’t help me anymore. I’ve been avoiding the only people in the entire universe who can.” 🥺 This is sad, but I’m also, like, problematic grandmas time!!!!!

“Find something better to do with your life.” God, Jasper’s look of disbelief and sadness here. I didn’t really delve into this during my “Fragments” watch because I was just roridoodwrjfkrkeke reeling, but her reaction to being accidentally shattered is psychologically devastating???? I’d wager that she simultaneously respects the fact that she’s been subjugated by a being more powerful than her, that she’s grateful to Steven for being both subjugator and savior, and likely, she’s conflating this new loyalty with her former loyalty for Pink. This is a really complex psyche (a tragic one most of all).

Garnet: “Steven, remember, we’ll always be your family.” I’m so fucki n emo

AWHWHWH, HOMEWORLD IS SO BRIGHT AND COLORFUL NOW!!!

YO!! Homeworld has a democracy now!! The Zircons!!!!!!!

THE WALL GEM IS MOVING??????? KWOEOEIDJDKSJS

Can u imagine being a wall cursed with sentience. that is so funny on so many levels

But it’s also really interesting, too. If the Wall Gem is a gem in the way say Topazes are gems, which, judging by her mobility, she is—then her explicit purpose in Era 1-2, as molded by presumably Yellow, was to b a wall omg. (Or, arguably, I think it can be argued that the inanimate object Gems, like Comby, were probably accidental sentient creations, made in relationship to their proximity to the Diamonds during their various secretion rituals!!)

Anyway, I love thinking about Homeworld worldbuilding. It’s fascinating.

SQUARE PERIDOT

SPIIIIIINELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Her heart eyes!! She looks so happy!

Steven, angry af: “Spinel, what is wrong with you?” / Spinel: Oh, you know—the usual.” KEKDSKDK

Also, Steven really wanted to say fuck there. NEKDDKKSSKKS

“I was such a wreck then, but I am so much better now.” We stan character growth 😭😭

One thing I have loved the Crewniverse so much for doing is never taking away the physical signs of gems’ mental distress, even after they’ve gotten better: Blue’s eye bags, Volleyball’s eye, Spinel’s running mascara. That is so important.

YELLOW SITTING AT HER LIL VANITY!!

IT’S LIGHT INSIDE HER ROOM! THERE R FLOWERS! THRIVE, QUEEN, THRIVE.

YELLOW REVERSING HER GEM EXPERIMENTS OH MY G D

FUCKING QUEEN!!!!!!

(I’m sorry in advance. The rest of the live blog is just going to be screaming about the Diamonds.)

“I can permanently alter any physical form!” She’s so proud of herself. 😭😭😭 I fuckin’ love her.

Yellow laying down on the ground like that is SENDING ME SKSKSJSJ.

Ugh, and her being such a good mom to Spinel. I’m cry in f

“If anything’s out of proportion, it’s your temper. You can be big if you want to, or you can be small if you want to, but if you’re going to be upset no matter what, then this problem isn’t physical—it’s emotional. Go see Blue.”

I really like her advice here because it’s advice that comments so clearly on her own character arc. At her lowest, she was quick to anger, aggressive, and temperamental, which she diagnoses in Steven here. Additionally, she was the Diamond who was concerned largely with physical actions. She coped by maintaining the Empire through conquering planets and maintaining the minutiae of leadership; she thought the only way to receive justice for Pink was through the physical act of destruction. And in doing so, she pushed her own emotions deep, deep down until they manifested in anger, aggressiveness, and temperamental outbursts. This hurt the people she cared about, and it hurt herself most of all.

Also, “Go see Blue. That is her department.” Ejdoiddjdjjsjdjdks, “go see ur other grandma.”

BLUE FLOATING ON A CLOUD!!!!!

“Your powers have been causing you dramatic mood swings? That seems awfully troubling Steven.” God I love her

“You don’t seem troubled.” This is a really interesting line because it comments on how Blue’s emotions, especially her negatively charged ones, used to be so visible all over her; indeed, she both wittingly and actively used to project them on other Gems, forcing them to feel her suffering, too.

OH, SHE GOES ON TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING EOEODODISSJJS. LISTEN, I REALLY VIBE WITH BLUE.

“Back before you came into my life, Steven, I wanted every one to feel the pain I felt. I realized I must make up for my awful behavior by bringing joy to others.”

Another thing I’ve appreciated about the writing in this episode: So far, both Blue and Yellow have used the adjective awful to describe their former actions. It’s the self-awareness and the refusal to try to excuse themselves that powerfully shows how much they’ve grown. And it’s their continuous endeavors to keep moving forward, to help the Gems that they’ve hurt, that indicates that they’re willing to constantly keep growing and atoning.

NFOFOFDKSSKSKSK, THESE CLOUDS ARE JUST HER VAPORIZED TEARS HELP.

Sick vape clouds, Blue

I’VE HEARD THE SONG BEFORE, BUT EVERY TIME SHE SINGS, I LOSE MY SHI T

LISA HANNNNIGAAAAAAAN

This is such a pretty line: “Cold palace walls, and endless empty halls, haunted by echoes of laughter.”

BLUE ASCENDING THROUGH THE CLOUDS AUSHAHHSHD

BLUE MAKING HEART CLOUDS FOR SPINEL!!

BLUE CALLING SPINEL N STEVEN HER LITTLE REASONS WHY.

“I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY.” This line is particularly lovely because I think it plays well with Steven’s line to her in “CYM:” “How many times did you make her cry?”

BDJDJDJSJDJ, BLUE LAYING ON HER CLOUD LIKE YELLOW LAID ON THE FLOOR.

The way she sings the last “loving you.” 😭😭😭😭 I’m gonna weep. I love her so fucking much.

“I found happiness. If that's not something you think you deserve, then I suspect this is an issue of self worth. I suggest you go to White for assistance with such matters.” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 And like Yellow did, Blue gets to the heart of her arc cleanly.

Before Steven and before her own emotional reckoning, she didn’t think it was her place to be happy: “I know my purpose isn’t to be happy.” But in learning to love others, Blue has found true, inner happiness, which she literally shares with others. Wow.

And I think there’s something powerful in her distinction between true happiness and self-worth. You can’t find one without espousing the other.

White’s room is so pretty. 🥺

THE FLASHING STROBE LIGJTS DDNJDFJDJDNF.

SPINEL WHITE DIAMOND?!/!:$;8;83&:&:

SHE FUCKING LETS OTHER GEMS CONTROL HE R HELP.

SPINEL MAKING WHITE TAP DANCE FICODODOFODJDNDJSJDJDJJDDJDJ

Steven’s horrified expression omg

“I’m scared I’m gonna hurt people; I guess I already have.” God.

And that’s another thing that this episode has called to mind. Blue, Yellow, and White alike once used their insane powers to hurt other Gems and to hurt themselves, and here, throughout this series, we see Steven discovering that same capacity for destruction and self-destruction. Along with the systematic oppressions they facilitated, a big part of the Diamonds’ modus operandi was that their powers were directly correlated to their mental states and their various inabilities to confront their own selves and effect inner change. The corrective wasn’t necessarily Steven; the corrective was him helping them to do that initial act of introspection and looking inwards. And so, too, will Steven have to do the same by the end of this series. But I presume that his family, all the people and gems who have loved and cared for him, will in effect be his Steven, just as he has always been for them.

“Half a Diamond, half a creature of Earth—in all the universe there's no one else that could know what you’re going through, so maybe it's time you talked to yourself.” This is so viscerally sad. White hits the nail on the head here. Steven’s human friends/family and his gem family and even the Diamonds, who come the closest to matching his own strength, can never fully understand him. It’s the tension that underscores a lot, if not the entire show.

White briefly touches Steven with her nail, and you can viscerally see the trauma on his face; he hasn’t forgotten her act above all, wrenching his gem out, nearly killing him.

“I’m... I’m a Diamond.” Steven, in looking at White Diamond, realizes that she’s a mirror of himself. Holy fucking shit

“I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be anything like you!” HOLY FUCKING SHIT

“Don’t hurt me! She can’t hurt me! I’m controlling her...” And here, Steven doesn’t light upon the essential thing... in making White punch the wall, nearly knocking a huge rock into him, he’s the one hurting himself.

This show, oh my g o d

“She’s the one who should be afraid.” STEVEN?!!!!????!??!

“No, stop it! I don’t like this!” / “Please, you’re scaring me.” OH MY GO D

HE FUCKING MADE HER SLAM HER GEM AGAINST A PILLAR HOLY HE LL

“What... what was that?” Christine’s delivery here. Holy shit. 😭😭 And both of them are surrounded in the carnage of Steven’s wrath. Holy fucking shit.

This act is fundamentally different than him accidentally shattering Jasper in “Fragments”; this was an intentional attempt to hurt White, to crack her, to break her. Holy fucking shit

Spinel, Blue, and Yellow waiting for Steven outside of White’s door has my heart a little and a lot tender 🥺🥺🥺🥺

SPINEL SINGING I CAN MAKE A CHANGE SO DRAMATICALLY DJDIDJDJDJDJD. (But yeah, lmao, this will absolutely be the conclusion of Steven’s arc at the end of Future.)

“Steven! Let us help you, Steven!” The Diamonds are so concerned (mirroring the Gems back at home, too). 😭😭

He leaves a flip flop behind like Cinderella lmao

“Steven, let us help you!” / “We’re your family!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

And just as he implored the CGs, he tells the Diamonds not to follow him either.

Steven is completely and utterly alone.

Not by necessity.

But God, by choice.

Okay, this is my new favorite Future episode.

[b-rainlet]

Gotham for the fandom ask thingy.

(I ran here so fuckin fast you have no clue)

Hello anon! :D I will answer this now, so you don't have to wait any longer but also....this would be very nice to answer through gifsets...(maybe when I am feeling up for it).

For now, have this:

(It's not proof read because I just sat at this for several hours and I don't wanna look at it anymore).

Favourite Male Character

You mean...besides the obvious answers?? :D

Ngl, it's S2 Jerome. I love that little twink with his parental issues and his tragic backstory and I wanna see him happy. There's a reason I have a bunch of AUs where he ends up having a family (mostly in the form of Lee as his Mother) and gets some actual help instead of being ostracized for being a mentally ill person snapping after years of abuse.

(This also ties into my very strong feelings regarding the fact that nobody actually helps the people at Arkham. And I don't mean the main villains there, I mean all the inmates who get treated like shit and are left behind on the regurlar (remember in S2 when Arkham was about to explode and nobody was talking about evacuating the inmates???? I do).

Other than that, one of my faves is also Jonathan. Which may be a little surprising because I barely talk about him but he was my favourite character throughout the show and he had way too little scenes.

(Kinda telling that the characters I latched onto are both helpless teens who were fucked over by the people who were supposed to protect them and can both trace their villain origin story back to Jim Gordon not caring enough about them lmao).

But the cast is big and varied enough that I actually like everyone? Butch, Zsazs, Penguin, S1 and 2 Ed, Jervis, Harvey, Jim......I like them all!!

(Special shoutout to 514A too, he was soft and baby and I wanted to keep him safe and sound really desperately).

(Another special shoutout to Barnes!! I didn't expect to like him when I first saw him, given he looked like he was gonna be mean and stoic and all, but I ended up really liking him and his story!)

Favourite Female Character

Let's just pretend Ecco doesn't exist for this answer ajdkaskaslj.

I fell in love immediately upon seeing Ecco but all! the women! are so!!! good!!!!

I especially have a soft spot for the side characters. I mean, upon first watching I got attached to Alice (even though she only features in two episodes lmao), and also Kristen Kringle - who isn't talked about much within Fandom, but she was pretty and her and Ed were actually quite cute but then she had to die for him to become the Riddler which was...pretty much telling us from the beginnning 'The woman here die to advance the men's plots'.

Barbara was also a big surprise to me because I figured she'd be the female love interest and nothing more but!! her and Jerome were the best thing in S2 and also the most entertaining thing about the Maniax Plot. (In several ways, I think I had the most fun watching this show during S2 , it was just. Good).

Also upon being in this Fandom and thinking about certain characters a bit longer I also really like Vicky Vale. And Montoya. And I wish they had kept both around for longer.

(I also wish they wouldn't have made Vicky a love interest for Jim. Or Sofia. No love interests for Jim except Lee and Barbara please).

Also Selina!! I love both Selina and Tabitha with all my heart - which may also be surprising because I barely ever talk about Tabby but I contain multitudes aklskddsm, and while I like sharing my horny thoughts about Ecco, I also love to think about Tabby and daydream about her being happy and exploring her (and Selina's) issues with showing weakness and affection and their strong loyalty regarding people that they trust.

I just.....women. Women good.

(Women also deserve to have more character than just being somebody's love interests and I have enough wips that completely sideline the guys to focus on the woman instead lmao).

Least Favourite Character

I don't have many characters that I hate??

I generally tend to instantly love everybody unless they are specifically made to be unlikeable. (I also spite-like characters who are hated for petty reasons, I just have a lot of love in my heart and not much energy for hate lmao).

But there were characters who annoyed me while I was watching.

For one, I think Gotham has a variety of super entertaining villains, but the main villains of each season tend to be....boring.

Safe for Strange they all kinda fell flat for me. Theo. Kathryn. Ra's Al Ghul. His Daughter. Mostly because their plotlines were less exciting than stuff like Jerome's carnival or Mother and Orphan's Hotel of Horrors.

Or their motives seemed a lot less understandable than the ones of the other Batman villains who pretty much always come from a place of suffering and abuse and break/snap under the pressure that's put on them (continuing this take of Gotham creating its own villains by leaving behind - mentally ill - people that need help, which I think is very true to most - if not all - Batman villains).

And then you have some characters that simply suffer from the fact that the show was cut short - which is pretty much any and every S5 character that had way too little screentime, but in this specific case means Jeremiah.

Because I disliked Jeremiah a lot while watching.

Without wanting to step on anybody's toes, him and Nygma are probably the two characters on this show I ended up disliking the most.

Mostly because Miah felt like a very cheap copy of Jerome and to this day I think it was a bad idea to replace Jerome with him, since Jeremiah - to me - seems like a super flat character.

Maybe if we had gotten him without meeting Jerome first, just having a Joker character introduced in S4, maybe I would've adored him, who knows.

But in comparison to Jerome...no. Just no.

(I will spare you from any longer rambles, but I think if you follow me, I talked about the ways Miah is lacking for me before).

My made up version of Miah though? I love him.

With Nygma it's even worse because I adored him. I instantly liked him. I was 100% behind him right up until the godawful Isabella plot happened and then it just all went to shit so quickly, I couldn't stand seeing him on screen anymore.

It's surprising that I didn't stop liking Oswald but to me, Oswald pretty much stayed the same while Ed became all bitter and hard and I just miss dorky S2 Ed you know?

It actually got so bad, I completely turned my back on Nygm/obblepot as a ship because I was so severly disappointed and I barely talk about Ed because I just can't stand what they did with him.

(Another victim of bad writing).

Favourite Ship

I'm just gonna stick to canon ships because I don't ever shut up about my Fanon ships so you probably know which ones I love the most :D

There isn't much romance going on within Gotham if I think about it - apart from Jim - which I definitely prefer. You wouldnt guess it from my blog, but I am not a fan of too shippy stuff because in most cases it just means sex scenes and I can live without those. I want action! Blood! Dead People! Not a two minute make-out session between two bland characters!

I gotta admit that Ed and Lee have some cute scenes and I would definitely ship them if I didn't dislike S4 Ed so much (S2 EdLee tho?? Yes).

Also I thought Jim and Lee was okay and Baby Batcat was quite cute at times but mostly I don't care about the canon ships.

I do ship Barbara and Jim though :D

I remember right before they hooked up in S5 I was like: 'I wouldn't mind if they got back together' and then went 'yay!' when they did and I wouldn't have minded a little more 'Will they?? Won't they??' between those two and them just having the mother of unhealthy relationships on this show.

(Also Jim/Barbara/Lee poly relationship but we can't have everything).

Favourite Friendship

So many good relationships on this show!

I need to rewatch the show soon because I probably already forgot about most of them but from the top of my head: Oswald/Butch and Oswald/Zsazs

Which were both then done dirty lmao. One by having Oswald be overly petty (one of the few times I was like...Pengy...wtf...) and the other by passing up the obvious opportunity to have Zsazs find out who really killed Falcone and just...letting Oswald and Victor never interact again. 

Then of course Ivy and Selina which also gloriously fell apart. Just like Ivy and Oswald. 

(Gotham isn’t the best when it comes to maintaining friendships). 

And the biggest and most grandious friendship of them all: J Squad. 

(Who have too little scenes together honestly and then also simply fell apart after Jerome died. Consistency who?)

Favourite Quote

I don’t know, I don’t have many quotes in my head from the show. Me and my niece mostly reference: “Yeah, that’s a spoon.” - “IT IS ALSO A FORK!!1!!!”

Also: “Gotta Go! Gotta Go! They’re after me and the Scarecrow!”

(There are some dialogue blurps I have written down somewhere because they are inspriration for gifsets but in order to be able to just recite some of them from Memory, I would have to watch this show way more obsessively). 

Worst Character Death

I don’t even gotta say anything do I? :D

But I think the character death that actually made me cry was Jerome’s first death. I clearly remember crying because...he just wanted recognition! And praise! And instead he was used as a pawn and betrayed by someone he idolized and he was only 18! My poor little meow-meow!

Seriously, the only things that make me cry on this show: Jerome’s first death, any and all mention of Bruce as a baby - told by an emotional Alfred, any and all Bruce/Alfred interaction at all and Solomon Grundy. 

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment

I seriously need to rewatch this show, it’s been so long :D

But I remember being pretty excited for the J Squad Team Up - because I was like ‘If I were Jerome I would definitely work with Tetch and Scarecrow since they’re also in Arkham atm’ and then he did!!

And I also distinctly remember in S3 that I was close to falling asleep right when they scene came on where Oswald realizes his feelings for Nygma and let me tell you - it caught me so off guard, I was awake instantly lmao. 

(I knew that people shipped them but I was so used to mlm ships being popular when they only have a handful of scenes and are platonic friends that I didn’t expect them to actually have a possibility of being canon). 

From then on I was super pumped for them to deliver on that ship but well....we all knew what happened asnksnndk. 

Saddest Moment

Aside from the already mentioned scenes in the character death column, the scene where Bruce leaves and Selina runs to the airport. I always liked Selina but she wasn’t a priority character of mine (much like Bruce isn’t) but then that scene happened and in an instant, I felt super protective over her. 

She is now my baby. My daughter. My beloved wife. She deserves everything and most importantly she deserves better than Bruce Wayne. 

(Coincidentally that was also the scene where I decided I don’t care much about Bruce asldjkjlj. I absolutely adore early seasons Bruce though). 

Favourite Location

There are so many different locations, I don’t think I can adequately answer this with my spotty memory :D

But I always loved the few episodes where Alice features, because I love how her scenes are shot so probably the little carnival Jervis prepares for her.

Also!! Jeremiah's church!

Or Commissioner Loeb's secret house (Especially the Attic).

There are a lot of cool locations, I gotta gif some of them soon :D

[zombolouge]

⭐⭐⭐!! I'm behind on catching up with Indefensible (bc I am also in the US and have been Big Overwhelmed too, so sending positive mental health vibes your way as well), so I will leave it to you to pick a part of a fic that you are most dying to discuss!

AH bb take your time catching up, there’s no rush!! It will still be there whenever you’re ready <3 I will send some positive mental health vibes right back at you, lord knows all of us in the US really need them lol 

Okay, so my pick for this...hmmm, why don’t we talk about TRAUMA. I’ve had a lot of people comment about how I handle everyone’s trauma in the series, so I figure that’s a solid point of interest :)

I knew I was going to be writing this fic before I had actually played all the games, which gave me a bit of an advantage from a writing perspective because I actually took a HUGE amount of notes while I played. The most important of these notes were pages that I called “Lists of Trauma”. And I had one for every character. I would set them up every time I saw something in the games that would have been potentially traumatic, including backstory stuff that came to light. Then I’d write down what the trauma was, when it occurred, and how I felt it would affect them (both immediately and long term). 

Pretty much everybody gets that Miles Edgeworth is traumatized. The game does a decent job of showing some of that, by giving him PTSD and mentioning his fear of elevators, using his recurring nightmares as a plot point, etc. But Miles is by FAR not the only one in the series traumatized. Pretty much every case is enough to send someone to therapy for a hell of a long time, but it’s not always highlighted as much as Miles, and I think it’s easy to brush everyone else’s trauma under the rug because their coping methods were a little more understated. I do think the evidence is there in the games, but it’s not obvious (Capcom puts a lot more subtlety in there than I initially would have expected. Either that or I’m adding subtext on my own and giving them too much credit. EITHER WAY, it did give me a lot to study and pick apart.)

One of the biggest themes in my writing is addressing and processing trauma (lol can you tell I have trauma I have worked on processing? hahaha). I tend to lean towards doing it in healthy and productive ways, as well, so I was HYPERFOCUSED on all the events happening to each individual character. By the end of the canon storylines, I had a pretty solid idea of what people still needed to work through and how things were holding them back, which is honestly how I arrived at some of the plotlines I did. They’re all engineered to be ways to push the characters where they need to be in order to heal. Or at least to grow (full healing is gonna take decades and y’all I can’t be writing this for the rest of my life haha)

In some cases, like with Phoenix and Miles and their relationship, I knew that it was going to involve a massive breaking point to get them anywhere. It’s been decades in game-time and they haven’t taken very many steps forward, which tells me that repression is so ingrained you basically have to make them completely snap and land in a place of “nothing left to lose” before they’d take any more steps. Hence the remote location and the cold temperatures and them working together and the closet scene and the hot tub scene and the spit-take scene and the obvious trap and...etc. Really had to slam their damn heads together repeatedly for this one.��

But their trauma, while being some of the most obvious, wasn’t the only kind I wanted to address. Like, seeing everything play out with Apollo and Dhurke, I just kept thinking how fuckin badly that would mess someone up, and that isn’t even considering what he’d gone through BEFORE that (former boss was a murderer, and the ways he found out weren’t the softest. Best friend murdered, and the circumstances around it ended up with him getting physically injured TWICE. There’s a lot going on with that poor boy.) And Maya, who is forever cheery in the games, always struck me as someone who hid any negative emotions at all costs, and holy shit she has to have a few. She’s been accused of murder, manipulated by family, her sister was murdered, she had to raise her cousin from a young age, she’s been kidnapped MULTIPLE TIMES, had her body taken over by someone that DEFINITELY wanted to kill her and her best friend. On top of that, the first games make it pretty clear she has some inferiority issues, and alllll those traumatic situations would have only fed into it. I think she got really good at covering that up rather than really good at feeling confident. 

Pretty much all the characters got trauma’d at one point or another, and the timeline over the span of canon basically meant that nobody ever had much time to recover before some other bullshit was happening. It’s why many of the characters in Indefensible, sometimes more than once, have opined about it being neverending or how they were losing hope that they’d ever have a whole year that was just normal. 

I’ve included so many scenes where they are just breaking down and talking about feelings, because holy fuck they all need to. lol It’s also why I ended up jumping on the FranMaya bandwagon so hard because the way that the pair of them are traumatized and how they handle it is very complementary to each other. I think they’re both able to pull the dark out and soothe it within one another, keep each other from overthinking things, and provide a sudden rock to lean on when things get difficult again. If they didn’t have each other, I think the second half of Indefensible wouldn’t work as well, because Franziska absolutely would have snapped irreparably. But, uh, that won’t make as much sense until later. ;)

Anyways, this was long and rambly and I could probably make a separate post about each individual character’s trauma and how the fic is designed to shine a spotlight on it and get them to start processing it. I THINK ABOUT THIS STUFF A LOT, OKAY? 

Link to the fic if anybody needs it: Indefensible 

[phoebehalliwell]

so, amnesia trope....which charmed one would you do it with & how would you do it (if you want, i just like this trope)

hmmm that’s a really good question idk why but my gut really says to go with phoebe. she was first to the craft and the one that really pushed prue & piper to move forward in their destiny, so to have that all be wiped would be interesting to say the least. furthermore, with her psychic powers, i feel like that leaves a lot of room for “echos” like feelings of deja vu or the sense that you should be remembering something but you can’t remember what you’re remembering.

i feel like i would put this line after season 4 / beginning of season 5 in an au where cole doesn’t come back but phoebe is still haunted by his memory. i think her emotional stress and ptsd from that relationship would then cause a block in her powers bc as well all know your powers are tied to your emotions so phoebe might start looking into a way to fix that. personally, i feel like it’s never a good move to have the character move forward with these actions to the extent that they end up damaging themselves bc while i think it is a complex journey it very often comes across as unrelatable and leads to people holding grudges against said character bc it looks like they placed their own well being over the well being of their family and those they swore to protect. so what i would do is have phoebe go through multiple processes trying to cure herself: crystals, meditation, essential oils, talk therapy, etc. but she still has this block. shit really becomes an issue when a power of three spell almost doesn’t work. piper, phoebe, paige, & leo all have to sit down and discuss what’s happening bc phoebe’s troubles seem to only be getting worse and it’s now directly impacting the power of three. they need to find something fast bc it’s getting dangerous and phoebe starts crying bc she’s doing everything she can and she doesn’t know how to move forward so everyones looking at leo like okay whitelighter this has to have happened to some witch before phoebe what do we do and leo’s like well idk there’s one thing we could do but it’s incredibly dangerous and we should really only use it as a last resort and piper’s like well i think we’ve hit that last resort stage and leo’s like it’s a spirit journey and again it’s really dangerous and i’m not sure this rewards outweigh the risk and phoebe’s like leo my problems are more than just my problems now they’re stopping us from saving innocents whatever it is i’ll do it i have to do it. so leo’s like okay alright i guess were doing this

so they hole up phoebe in her room and phoebe calls elise saying she's going on a vacation for her mental health (which elise fully supports) bc they asked leo how much time this’ll take and leo has genuinely no idea bc it’s not a common practice and it really depends on phoebe so piper whips up the potion and paige lines phoebe’s room with protection spells and they offer all their love & support and phoebe goes under

the next couple episodes are split between piper & paige fighting their real world battles and phoebe’s adventures through the spirit world. piper & paige get more and more anxious bc phoebe’s been under for like three weeks and piper & paige are talking to leo like is it supposed to take this long can we pull her out what if she never wakes up and leos like i wish i had the answer to these questions but i deadass do not i don’t know what’s going on in there i don’t know how she’s doing meanwhile i feel like phoebe’s walking through memories changing her actions go through ripple effects walking through alternate universe maybe in an alternate universe she never met cole and prue’s still alive in an alternate universe she had telekinesis in an alternate universe she stay evil and killed her sisters and she keeps living out different scenarios and seeing different sides of herself and she’s exhausted and scared and

she wakes up in the middle of the night bolts upright in her bed lightly coated in sweat. she trods outside her her room and is just like confused so she goes down the hallway and knocks on the door and paige opens it like you’re awake!!! and pulls her into a big hug and phoebe starts squirming and yelling (but not judo flipping paige or anything like the pre amnesia phoebe would be able to) and she’s like who the fuck are you what are you doing in piper’s room!!!!! and the yelling alerts piper and leo and come running out of their room like you’re awake!! and phoebe immediate rushes to piper’s side like What Is Going On Who Are These People Where’s Prue? and piper’s like prue??? and phoebe’s like Yes Our Sister Prue Where Is She and piper’s like phoebe... whats the last thing you remember? and phoebe’s like New York... i came back and she looks at piper with like absolute sorrow in her eyes and is like grams... and piper’s lookin at piper and leo like holy fuckin shit the last thing she remembers is the pilot episode and she’s like phoebe sweetie i need you to sit down and just give me a second and phoebe’s like completely shell shocked so she does and piper’s like the last thing she remembers is coming back from new york; she doesn’t know who you are she doesn’t know who you are, she doesn’t know prue’s dead, i don’t even think she knows she’s a witch and paige is like okay what do we do and piper’s like i don’t know and they’re looking at leo like ?? and leo’s like i don’t know either i mean we have to tell her and by we i do mean piper as she’s the only one phoebe recognizes and piper’s like oh yeah sure hi sweetie you don’t remember this but you’re a witch your sister’s dead i’m married paige over there is our half sister mom had an affair while i’m at it dad’s back in our lives oh and also a couple months ago you were queen of hell! is there anything i’m missing?? and leo’s like just,, talk to her slowly,, treat it very gentle and piper’s like yeah Not My Forte but she goes to phoebe and holds her hands like i don’t know how to tell you this but your last memory is from 1998 and phoebe’s like ,,,, what year is it now? and piper’s like 2002 and phoebe’s lower lip starts trembling and she’s like how did this happen and piper’s like i promise i’ll explain everything but right now i think it’s best that you get some rest. i’ll see you in the morning and she kisses phoebe on the forehead and sends her back to bed and piper paige & leo all head up to the attic to try to draft up some game plan on how to get their phoebe back

so over the next couple of weeks they like try to really gently bring phoebe up to speed the first thing they really have to get out of the way is Phoebe You’re A Witch which is a shock y’know magic being real but phoebe rolls with it about as well as she did in the pilot. the next is prue’s gone, which phoebe has sorta pieced together but was still Not Ready to hear. i think this whole era would also be a really great opportunity to build up paige & phoebe’s relationship bc the show really dropped the ball on that one. i think they would both really lean on each other and grow bc a young phoebe was very much like a young paige and phoebe’s still quasi young phoebe but like paige is like this is advice you gave me a phoebe’s like me?? giving out advice??? and paige is like yeah believe it or not you’re actually an advice columnist i also think phoebe would spend a lot of times flipping through photo albums and reading her old columns and trying to understand who she was / is. i also think she would push piper to open her restaurant after seeing p3 bc she’s be like piper this is amazing but this isn’t your dream. you always wanted to be a chef. and piper admittedly had almost forgotten that she had put that dream on hold but phoebe bringing it back up would really stoke that fire again and make her want to open up her own restaurant.

i think phoebe’s first major relapse would be when she was flipping through the book and found her entry on cole’s human form which has pictures of her and this man and it’s all written in her handwriting and she gets this horrible know it her stomach and then a premonition containing the highlights reel of her and cole’s relationship and she breaks down. and piper paige & leo all find her an absolute mess and she’s like were you going to tell me??? were you going to tell me everything i did????? and she goes through this horrible era of feeling responsible for prue’s death and all the evil cole did and piper and paige really have to help pull her out of that at this point i think we also bring in coop who really helps her start to heal her heart and i think the whole journey to get Back To Phoebe wouldn’t be an easy one but the drama driven by this could very easily take up the space occupied by piper & leo’s relationship drama which i personally have never been too keen on. i think this could be the driving plot of s5 and then s6 could be piper’s pregnancy & wyatt s7 could be be chris and the future plotline which i think phoebe would be a lot more attune to as that could have been one of the realities she lived through on her spirit journey and then s8 would be the final season idk i wouldn’t want to use zankou or the avatars or billie & christy but y’know something good and have it stick the landing like it did in the og

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #270

“please remain calm; the end has arrived. we cannot save you; enjoy the ride.”

Do you own pastel-colored pants? No. What type of lotion do you use? I don't really use it. Nothing seems to help how dry my skin is. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pastel pink, but realistically (given a pink car would probably have a paint job I'd have to pay for, I assume?), I like burnt orange cars. Not too brown-ish, though. What is your favorite color, do you look good in it, & do you wear it a lot? Pink, probably not, and no. Name someone you know who hates pink. Idk. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home." Do you kill bugs? Sometimes. Depends. If they're in my house, most likely. Have you ever had a bedroom that had wallpaper on the walls? No. Do you own any rompers? No. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? I made a birdhouse out of a milk carton once. Animal Planet taught me lol. Do you use window clings (aka window stickers)? No. What color is your stapler? Black. Do you have a desk that you sit at in your room? Ugh, no, but that's one reason I want to move to somewhere I have a bigger room for a desk so I don't do everything in my damn bed. What do you miss about college? Feeling like I was worth something and on a "proper" path. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. What is/was your dream school? I never had a "dream" school. Do you wish you could talk to someone about your past? If so, who? Idk, probably someone. What motivates you? Music and/or videos on whatever subject I could use motivation in, like self-care on my bad days. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. Tried, though. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I went through a doctor appointment entirely without Mom just a few days ago; she had to stay in the car due to chemo, so I filled stuff out, checked in/out alone, answered questions on my own, that business. I'm entirely aware it's sad as hell that a 24 y/o did that for the first time, but if you knew just how dependent I am on my mom, you'd get it. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's when I actually have someone to celebrate with, but I love Easter as an aunt with how excited the kids are about candy and all. Easter sorta rubs me the wrong way though since, y'know, Christianity essentially stole and rebuilt it. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? I myself don't even decorate. Mom only does for Christmas, and it's very last minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? I don't drink Starbucks. What were you wearing in the last good selfie you took? *checks phone* uh the one where I'm wearing a red tank top is okay. That's all you can see cuz FUCK taking full-body pics of me. What’s on your wish list right now? Ha, I actually have a list in my phone of things I really want/need to buy when I can. A few include a bigger terrarium to Venus, a treadmill, an Unus Annus shirt before the channel and thus merch expire, glasses for driving... What do you use to sweeten your tea? I don't drink tea. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, I don't wear enough colors or makeup in general to warrant buying one. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? The aforementioned doctor visit. How would you rate your self-esteem? Low, healthy, or high? Low as like, the deepest oceanic trench probs. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? Only ever to just be a goth to live out my inner fantasy of regularly flaunting that aesthetic. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? Not particularly. Would you rather it rain or snow? Snow! What does your umbrella look like? Don't have one. What’s one thing you’ve had a toxic reaction to? Do you mean like, emotionally/mentally toxic? I'm guessing probably yes. Even though parts of it were entirely realistic, understandable reactions/behaviors, I most definitely had some toxicity in me regarding the breakup, too. Which do you prefer: cropped tops or tunic tops? Uggghhhh, both are so cute. On me, I'd only ever wear tunic tops, but on others, I tend to find cropped tops cuter. What’s a style or trend that you think is ridiculous? I don't pay enough attention to this to really know... hm. Yeah, idk. Which YouTuber do you want to be more like? I could only dream of being as motivated and smart and determined and "I can do this shit" as Markiplier jfc I Love One Man Only. Do you like stuffed animals? EEEEEEEEK yes!!!! What was your favorite class in high school? Art. Have you ever gotten straight A’s in a class? If so, which classes? Yes; not to brag whatsoever, but too many for me to remember. I remember I got my very first B in 5th grade in I think math, and I was so bummed out. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? I don't think so. Are you happy today? If so, what made you happy today? I'm content-ish, not happy, but also not unhappy. Is your bed right by a window? There's one to my upper right and middle left, but my bed's not exactly against either. Do you spend more time in your bedroom or your living room? I barely leave my bedroom. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? Halloween, if I actually did decorate. Do you name stuffed animals still? Very rarely. Depends on what it is, the importance, etc. What titles did you win in the senior class polls? I FUCKIN READ THIS AS "TITTIES" AND WAS JUST LIKE... Anyway, none. Were you popular in school? No. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Only NC. Who was your best roommate? Well, Jason, if he even counted as a "roommate." Was your first roommate your best roommate? See above, considering idk if he fits the term; if he does, then yes. What’s the best family vacation you’ve ever been on? Disney World. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? Sophomore (bf was a senior and he took me) and senior. What do you want to be for Halloween? I was recently listening to a metal version of Oogie Boogie's song from TNBC and it hit me: MISS Oogie Boogie. A fat bitch could pull that shit off, watch me ho. Which member of your family are you closest to? My mom. If you have any regrets, what is the biggest one? If not, why do you have no regrets? Letting a boy become absolutely all that mattered and more to me. Would you ever apply to be on reality TV? Why? Ew, no. I don't need any more people judging me and my life. What is the best thing that has ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program that saved my life, literally. Do you have a hard time letting things go? It depends on what it is, but generally, yes. I recently realized one of my greatest flaws: I respond very, very poorly to loss, in any way. Looking back on people (especially people), events, other things... a negative, chronic reaction to loss is present throughout. What have you accomplished in life that has made you the most happy? Emotionally healed, a lot. I don't think some things will ever fully scar over, but nevertheless, I don't mentally have fuckin gashes in me. Have you ever struggled with your weight? Ever since the breakup, yes. I thought I was slightly fat before then, but looking at pictures now, I just think "damn hunny u look gud" and realize I was perfectly healthy. But anyway, I was put on a medication called Abilify (full-on name droppin', fuck this med), and it MURDERED my metabolism. I could eat a fuckin carrot and gain five pounds, probably. Emotional eating probably contributed too, but here's the thing: my current doctor took me off of it, knowing the moment I mentioned it that it was not only bad for me and my conditions but also responsible for the extreme weight gain? Pounds dropped like a ton of bricks, and this started before my emotional eating began to die off and regulate. I lost around 80 pounds just from dropping a goddamn pill. Cue college essay-long rant here about how my body image was slaughtered, how much I loathe the fucking doc that kept me on the med and blamed everything on me, and now how I've been stuck weight-wise for two years despite a vast plethora of methods to continue shedding a;sdlkfajkwlelawe GUYS I could rant til my hypothetical great-grandchildren die. When you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? It depends on who the friend is, where we are, etc., but generally, I'm just awkward, trying to be outgoing when in fact I'm questioning every single thing I say and do al;wekjrkawde this survey has taken a TURN. Do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? I don't leave my pj's unless I have to leave the house and go inside somewhere besides like, a gas station or something that's just "whatever." In high school did you have a lot of friends? Do you still keep in touch? I wouldn't say a *lot*, no, but not a tiny amount, either. The only one I ever still see is Girt, but I keep up with many on Facebook via the like button and shit, ha. Do you really care about such issues as abortion, religion, and global warming? Fuck yes I do. Who is the biggest womanizer you know? Juan sure was, but I haven't been in contact with him for years. Would you ever have a threesome? No. Who is the most attractive person you know? Of those I personally know-know, my answer will probably always be Alon like jc she's beautiful. When did you last feel the most free? ZOINKS we can't ask that question in America rn. Is there anyone who likes (or liked) you and had a really hard time getting over you? I don't know. Did you ever love someone and feel like it was wrong? Love? No. Well, before I realized I was bi, maybe Mini counts, as then I was anti-LGBT and couldn't even imagine myself as anything but straight. What’s your favorite bug? Butterflies. What’s the longest amount of time you liked/loved somebody for? Yeesh... I still can't say with absolute confidence I no longer love Jason at all, whom I started dating in 2012 and went head over heels for. What song makes you cry? There's a few that are capable of it sometimes, but do fucking not play "Stairway To Heaven" if I'm within 10 miles of you. "Another Life" by MiW usually makes me tear up towards the end, but it normally doesn't get that far anymore. Do you like rock or rap music better? Rock, as I'm not a rap fan. If you could watch someone change, would you? Yes let me live my life a;lsdkfjaws Ever known someone with an eating disorder? I don't know. I think maybe? Have you ever had a white Christmas? I think? The best snow we ever got was late Christmas night though, and the next morning was a total whiteout. What’s something you want to do but aren’t sure of yet? Hm. Idk. I'm pretty sure of most things I want to do. Biggest lie you ever told? I'm not entirely sure and I'd rather not search for one. Do you have a religion? I don't fit perfectly into any. I relate most with Neo-Paganism, but even that I deviate from some. Believe that there is a point to churches? I mean sure, people have the right to believe in/worship what they want to, and some people get a lot of joy and reassurance out of going. How do eat Oreos? "I split them in half and lick the cream before eating the cookie." <<<< Converse or Vans? Idc. Eh, maybe Converse, but idk. Dancing or watching others dance? I love watching others dance, it's why I enjoyed dance recitals and competitions. Favorite thing to touch/feel? My cat! <3 Rather be in a tornado or a large earthquake? Both would be horrifying, but I guess earthquake. I've had an outrageous fear of tornadoes since I was very little. Would you rather Santa or the Easter Bunny actually exist? Santa, duh. Would you rather spread gossip or start a fight? Start a fight, I guess. Trying to sully someone's name with false information would haunt me way more than starting an understandable fight. What has been the best New Year's for you so far & why? I don't know. What is the weirdest fear you’ve ever heard of someone having? Do you have any weird fears, and if so, what are they? Uhhh I think maybe butterflies? Idk, even that's not too weird considering it's an insect, and that's common. I'm personally absolutely terrified of pregnancy and also whale sharks scare me quite a bit. ig that's weird. How did you find Tumblr? lol how could you not know at some point as a teen on the Internet. What of the 8 wonders of the world do you find the most fascinating, if any? I had to look them up lmao. I guess the Great Pyramid of Giza. I in general find Egyptian culture and art to be very cool. Do you have a webcam? If you do, do you ever use it and what for? I mean, it's built into the laptop. I never use it. What is something that you think is really underrated? The band Otep, for one. I mean they're not small, but I don't think most people interested in the metal genre know them. OH and then there are A LOT of YouTube artists that MADLY deserve to be signed. I have a large chunk of metal musicians I listen to, and those especially like Jonathan Young blow my fucking mind they haven't technically "made it," even if they have a large subscriber base. Have you ever had a dream where you died? Did anything weird happen to your body after it? Yes, a few. Now hang with me, okay? One of my worst nightmares as a kid involved the wicked witch from TWoO turning me into one of those fucking party things that you blow into it and the paper unfurls and her using it killed me. Yo idk. I was really scared of that witch as a kid. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? How about the most realistic? It involved my dad and that's all that needs to be said. Realistic? Hm. This was SO long ago that I barely remember *just* how real it felt, but I remember it felt real as fuck. I was very little when this happened. I dreamed that I went outside to our porch because there was a weird light and when I stepped outside, a swan and a goose flew down from the light onto the porch to become my late grandpa and my deeply beloved cat Midnight, who died from sickness. I'm sure it was just a dream now, but back then, I was VERY convinced it was like a vision from God or something, telling me they were okay and with us. Do you have a favorite fashion trend? What is it? Is there a fashion trend right now that you think is completely ridiculous, and if so, what? What do you think was the worst fashion trend of all time? I don't care about fashion enough to go in depth about all this. I'll tell you right now though that mullets were the worst mistake known to mankind. Do you tend to like original horror movies or re-makes better? What’s your favorite horror movie? Is it an original or a remake? If you're remaking an old one, I'll probably like it more since they're generally not nearly as cheesy. Modern horror movies, I don't have much of a preference. My fave is The Blair Witch Project, and it's an original. What is one characteristic in a person that you cannot stand? What characteristics do you like best in a person? Do you possess any of these characteristics? Those that act violent when they're angry, for one. Those scare me. Some traits that I really like are compassion, patience, genuineness, empathy, kindness just for the sake of being so, stuff like that. I'd like to think I've got some of those. It's notable that in my nightmares, I'm way more violent than I actually am, though. What kind of jeans do you like best? When I actually wore jeans, they were like solely skinny jeans. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup after a long-term relationship and falling way, way too hard to be healthy. Does it still bother me? PTSD is stapled on my fucking forehead if you know the slightest about it. I've healed a whole lot, but I'm pretty sure it's a scar that's never going to even fully seal.

[spadesinglasses]

Love Victor (series)

oooh new format for this post let’s get into itttt.

Below are my reaction per episode. I will be writing them as i finish each so its more clear and fresh and all that jazz.

Let’s see if tumblr posts has a word count limit.

lol wrong title earlier X_X

Note, the #glassthoughts tags is a reaction tag. Its never a review, or an intellectual essay about stuff I watch. I dont have the capacity to do all those.

Spoilers below so beware. Episode 1 is posted separately because I intend to make posts for the first and last epsiode only but that did not work out lol.

EPISODE 2

it took me a looong time to finish this episode. I kept on pausing it because something just feels so wrong about it. I didn’t know what it was when i was going through it, but when it finally ended it finally clicked.

The episode reminds me of the sentiment most homophobes use against gay people. “If you focus on the emotional part of the relationship, you will be happy with the opposite sex.” Growing up ive heard this phrase used against other people so much. Hearing it in my native language has always been a punch in the gut. 

And now this show who is supposed to be something happy and nice, is just having this kind of phrase of mentality just well up there.

I’m sure that its not Victor’s and that he is just exploring his sexuality. But the usual tinge of homophobia whenever he talks that he might be like Simon is honestly grating.

It’s definitely a me issue because other people seem to be enjoying the series immensely, but whenever Victor gets into that headspace, I just hear my child self crying myself to sleep because of internal homophobia.

Also i can see why people say  that for a show that is supposed be about Victor’s sexuality and growth, it does sure show a heck lot of heterosexuality of those who are around him.

Maybe in the future i will rewatch the series again with a more patient mind, but for now, expect me to skip a lot of scenes X_X

End

Episode 3

Okay the audacity of Victor saying “he tries” to be a good friend. Like dang okay chill with the lies. You’re already lying about your sexuality lmao.

Sorry im being very critical and bitter about this show, but i must persevere for the fanfics and fanarts i will gorge myself into later.

anywho reaction time!

Mia and Victor would’ve been cute if only Victor doesn’t sound like he keeps on enforcing this compulsory heterosexuality he has in mind.  BUT hey he might be Bi people! 

I keep censoring myself because of how bitter and hateful i sound. My apologies for the phrases i forgot to delete above and beyond this line xD.

Anyways im over anything about Andrew. He can go fuck his egotistical self. If the series will show 

Hmm i wonder if the term “Comp Het” will even drop in this series.

Back to reaction,

Honestly Felix is just a lesbian in a man’s body at this point. Making his own shampoo? Like wow give me some of that kind of friend. 

The number of times I rolled my eyes at Andrew is ridiculous. 

Whilst typing this part it was more enforced in my mind that Love Victor is just a “supposedly gayer” Teen Wolf without the wolfing parts.

Lake is Lydia Felix is Stiles Andrew is a walmart Jackson Benji is basically a less grumpy Derek or Danny tbh Victor is Scott

I really hate this idea now.

The parents drama! Honestly, very unnecessary in my opinion. Victor is already dealing with a religious family, now he has to deal with a religious and broken family? Like dang they could’ve just chosen one struggle for him, now everyone will think his sexuality is a consequence for his parents’ sin or sth.

Maybe it’ll play into a bigger plot twist in the future?

Maybe Victor’s mom is cheating with Mia’s father? Seeing as how there was an unnecessary shot of her father with the back of a woman facing on the camera which is weird but okay. 

Im theorizing now X_X

Anyways have y’all seen how poor Felix was so nervous because his goddamn friend isn’t there to supposedly help him?

Sorry im hating on Victor too much but this scene reminds me of how awful Simon’s friends are and like bruuuh is Felix supposed to be the lead character?

He really is like Stiles who is supposed to be the lead for Teen Wolf in my opinion, he’s just a much better written character that Sc/tt

lmao sorry my issues with other series is bleeding into this one X_X

End

Episode 4

Not much to say without getting too salty so moving onnn.

End

Episode 5

This series is just showing all the fear and pain i went through and am going through back when I was a teenager and til now. Without getting into any personal stuff, that last bs Victor’s father spewed just hit me so much.

I guess one of the reasons why its hard for me to watch Love Victor is because it shows me the teenager side of me way back when. Minus the girlfriend one because i never really persevered that much to tamper any likes for men. Internal homophobia really hit me back then tho xD

End

Episode 6

This episode is a mess and I hate it.

We saw yet again Victor literally using Felix’s ignorance and naivety to get himself out of a situation he put himself into. 

AND Felix even got the wrong idea or got fed with the wrong idea that the reason why Victor brought him along is to act as a buffer because he wasn’t ready to give up being a virgin or have sex in general. Yep that is definitely the reason, no other reason at all that involves making latte art with a known barista.

Lake and Felix kissed so there was that. I still am shipping Victor and Felix together despite Victor’s continuous bs with him being a good friend, but that’s just me.

And totally knew Andrew and Mia got a thing. If this blew up and hurt Lake im suing.

Lake and Felix are literally the two people keeping this show intact. Not gonna drop some political statement here no sir.

Again Benji needs to grow a personality out of this whole barista thing. One thing i am grateful for this show is that there was no family drama at all!

I think.

End

Episode 7

UGHHH MISS ME WITH THAT NORMAL TALK.

Ive been making a conscious effort to stop saying that heterosexuality is normal. That shit is hard to unlearn because its what ive always heard in my asian household for yeaaaaaaars. And now this twink is just gonna throw the term around like he has no issues with it. TO SIMON EVEN.

Like brooooooh. Im over my 2010 internal homophobia, no need to dig it all up again. Every episode.

Aww the dancing in different clothes is cute but,

FUCKING VICTOR LIED JUST FOR WHAT?

Homeboy be doing the most to keep his fucking sexuality from bursting out, with his foot both planted firmly inside the closer AND THEN THE NEXT SECOND would end up as if he is ready to risk it all just to see Benji naked.

I AM FUCKING livid, confused, and just intense emotion everywhere.

Ive seen a couple of dumbo scenes from other shows that got the “closeted” man be doing literally the most obvious shit that could make anyone catch them, BUT THIS, with how VEHEMENT Victor is against being “NOT NORMAL” AND THEN LIE JUST TO STAY IN A MOTEL WITH THE GLORIFIED HOT GUY, takes the goddamn cake.

The fucking hypocrisy man. Ive battled internal homophobia before, AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE ALL DEAL WITH IT DIFFERENTLY but holy fucksticks. I’m not this evil.

The thing is, there is so much a person could do that you could go “ah its because they are in the closet and is afraid to come out” before it goes to the territory of “fucking hell, this is not just about his sexuality, this is just him now doing stuff consciously to take advantage of his supposed fear”. The girlfriend thing is even waaay over the top, but we all went with it because he’s supposed to be figuring things out. BUT most of the time, he literally could not even imagine going beyond the line HE CREATED for their relationship. AND YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT HE WILL LIE JUST TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A GUY? Now he wants to test the male side of his sexuality? BECAUSE PORN DOESN’T EXIST?  BECAUSE LOOKING AT MALE UNDERWEAR MODELS IN THE UNDERWEAR SECTION IS NOT ENOUGH? HE NEEDS IT TO BE ACTUALLY PHYSICAL TO CONFIRM SOMETHING?

Im ahead too much, real time the scene im in the episode is still them about to leave the shop but holy fucking hell. If this lie ended up becoming something more in this same episode, expect more capslock because jfc.

And people will still claim he’s somewhat attracted to the other gender. 

AND SOMETHING DID HAPPENED. ANDREW AND MIA KISSED

FUCKIN VICTOR

Also i was very very worried that Pilar and Felix will be a thing BUT THANK GOD THAT DIDN’T BECOME A THING. Still unsure whether i like Lake and Felix together, but i love them individually.

I cant really comment on any of the parents drama because to be honest i skip them whenever its just her and him.

These two fuckers lie to one another. BECAUSE OF WHAT? THEY WANT TO FUCKIN STICK THEIR TONGUES INTO ONE ANOTHERS MOUTH? IS THIS REALLY WHERE THIS SHOW IS GOING? AND THEY ALMOST CENSORED IT BECAUSE ITS GAY? NOT THE OTHER HORRIBLE STUFF THAT IS HAPPENING?

Im tired.

But i hafta finish the show for fanarts and fanfics.

okay Benji has a legitimate reason for lying. I’ll take that.

See people you see me live writing this whole rant thing :D.

BOY TOOK MONTHS KISSING MIA FOR MIA TO ONLY SAY THEIR TONGUES GRAZE SOMETIMES.

bUT THE SAME GUY JUST WENT LAPLAPAN TO THE MAX WITH BENJI THE ONE NIGHT THEY SPENT TOGETHER?

REALLY PEOPLE? REALLY?

Huh I wonder back when I was his age, would I also just kiss the first gay guy i became comfortable with? Despite being so into the closet and battling internal homophobia via punching the walls?

Dang that monologue tho. We as non het doesn’t want our lives to be hard. But at this point, i stopped blaiming my own sexuality and just started blaming heterosexuals for making the world this fucking horrible for us. That’s when my internal homophobia SLOWLY lessen. It’s still there but hey at least every crosshair  is not on me.

Okay i get people saying that Simon is irresponsible for making Victor like put his family on the back burner for a bit etc etc. Also the reaction against Benji getting mad when Victor wanted them to stop being gay while in their house, is reasonable. Victor did calmly told Benji and his beau that his family is stretched thin etc etc. I get that. I get that sometimes hiding your sexuality for other people is what is necessary.

BUT  fucking please recognize how damaging that is to the person you are talking to. Even if you think Victor is in the 100% right about this, AT THE VERY LEAST acknowledge why Benji is mad. Sure he could’ve just left with his boyfriend instead of just staying there. And sure Victor pulled through in the end and put that dusty grandpa motherfucker to his place, but that’ll fucking sting okay.

Also i might be saying all this in a place where I’m not really that close to ANY of my relatives, so ya know, call me ignorant or ungrateful whatever.

END

Episode 8

Okay uhh Mia and Andrew is still a thing APPARENTLY.

AWW BRAM IS CUTE

Lol Simon’s “Yay boobs” like please Victor keep the heterosexual drama out of this chatroom lmao.

Also Felix group texting the others is hilarioussss.

If Victor touches or says one bad thing at Bram? its on sight.

Also Im not sure what to feel with Mia getting jealous at Andrew. Like girl you were the one who said he’s nothing, and now this? Issa bad look honey.

Victor is embarassing. Are all extroverts just this i dunno peppy? 

You know what makes me happy in this episode? Keiynan’s attitude bleeding out to Bram’s character. I love it!

Goddd Keiynan is so hot XD

hahahaha this episode is lighter thank god.

“why would they want to help a complete stranger” because they are good people and surprisingly they still exist! 

Ohhh So it seems like Nick Robinson filmed his scenes for this episode on a different day. Ive never seen him be with the main group. That’s weird.

END

Episode 9

Benji distancing himself because he wants to make his 1 year relationship work? Good guy! Him not saying to his boyfriend about the coworker of his kissing him? Bad move.

Sure we can all talk about how little stuff doesn’t need to be told to your lover if you’re sure its not gonna happen again. The thing is,  communication is key. Y’all will talk about communication being integral in a relationship but keep shit like this in the DL because yOU’RE JUST THAT SURE IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN? Fo real?

Also Benji is feeling guilty for a reason.

Vincent is very in the wrong for kissing a taken man just because said taken man is comfortable with him or showed vulnerability. Victor is in the wrong 100% and I’ll never forget that.

Felix and that hug with Victor is adorableeee. Love that coming out scene. Again raising my eyebrows at those who say Victor is Bi.

Felix showing what’s in his apartment is fucking great. No wonder we don’t see his mom or anything. They say that the saddest people are always the one who will do their best to keep everyone happy. Felix is being peppy, have these random phrases he use to just amuse people makes sense.

In this household, we protect Felix no matter what. HOPEFULLY next season we get to fucking know his surname or sth.

Again nothing new with the drama surrounding the parents. I hate them and honestly i am so annoyed by the father’s face and everything. (still have that hatred from One day at  time but we don’t talk about that here)

The letter is stupid and i wonder what Pilar will do about it. Are we gonna get a To All the boys i loved before thing?

OH Felix giving Lake an ultimatum. Wow what a move honestly. On one hand Felix has the right to protect himself. He wants to be free with who he loves, and keeping it a secret stopped being amusing because he knew what it feels like to hide a part of yourself.

Lake’s confidence has been obviously shot and damaged by her mother. Not saying that justifies what she is doing  BUT it came from somewhere. A night with Felix talking to her about his life IS NOT going to just uproot all those thoughts from her mind. As much as i love Felix, he is not a solution.

hmm what else. The father can go die for all i care. Lmao.

END

Episode 10

OH I THOUGHT PILAR KNOWS NOW BUT NOOOO

OH NOOO O NO NO NOOO

AND ANDREW STIRRING SHIT UP NOOOOOO

PILAR STOOOOP

NOO NOT PUBLICLY

OMFG

 I CANNOT.

Also i cannot get over Andrew’s actor looking like Stromae. They have the same eyes, eyebrows and expressions X_X

THIS IS WHY WE DONT KEEP SHIT BEFORE A PUBLIC EVENT. IT ALWAYS EXPLODES ON A PUBLIC EVENT.

YOU BET YOUR ass i skipped the whole confrontation scene. I’ll go back to it maybe or just look at gifs but nope. My cancer rising and moon can’t handle that shit.

Is ... is Mia going to see Victor and Benji together and then theorize? Because god freaking damnit im tired of that plot twist.

Oh Benji. Honey honey honey please don’t do whatever I think you’re about to do.

FUCKING NEW IT. CALLED IT. CALLED ITITTTT MIA FUCKIGN SAW I HATE VERYTHING.

....

wait the way the ending was shot is weird. The cliffhanger is weird. Everything is weird.

ILL MAKE A HUNCH that it was actually just Victor in his dream land thinking that coming out is that easy and that you just blurt it out.

Bet you the next season will start with no body but Felix and Mia and Andrew know about his sexuality.

The shot was too much on Victor. There was no sound cue from the family etc etc.  I hate the ending so much. Love Victor could’ve been so much more. Could’ve pioneered a fresh way to show lgbt stories and how coming out is this and that. Even if the show is for Gen Z and this generation, coming out should reflect to how coming out is generally perceived nowadays. But i guess that was too much. Foolish me for having my expectations waay too high.

The End

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Stay Ch. 14

Master List

Pairing: Natasha X Reader (Female)

Summary: You have a gift, the ability to see other people’s innermost secrets. For years you used it to gather intel for the highest bidder when you take on The Widow. After she becomes more than a mark the two of you spend years stealing moments. Post snap you wait in your designated meeting place, look back on the sordid past you share with the woman you love and hope against everything that she’s still alive.

Warnings: Angst, VERY light violence, a wee bit o fluff

A/N:  I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING LATE. Work has been... a lot... and I was so far ahead for so long aaaaand then I wasn’t all the sudden. SO yeah, very very sorry but I hope you enjoy this. 

Tags are open!

@mywinterwolf @disagreetoagree @breezy1415 @peachthatdrinkslemonade @5aftermidnight  @jeromethepsycho @marvel-randomness @daniellajocelyn @katecolleen @yanginginthere  @wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @lesbian-girls-wayhaught @siriuslycloudy2

November 2006

Somehow the landing was worse than the takeoff. You hold your head between your knees for a minute once the movement has stopped to be sure you can keep it together.

“Sorry, was that a little rough,” Agent Hill asks smugly staring down at you.

You glare at her, “I’d like my weapons back now.”

“Not how this is going to work,” she’s standing with her arms crossed obviously waiting for something.

“Oh? How is this going to work?”

“You’re going to play along, and-”

“Hill,” Clint says with a stern tone, “come on, cut it out.”

She throws him a look, “Fine. I got her here I’m done.” With that, she storms out of the jet.

“Ya know, I’m pretty sure no one has ever so outwardly hated me in my life.”

“She’s not so bad. This whole situation is… unorthodox and she’s not entirely a fan of it,” he pulls a duffel out of a locker slinging it over his shoulder.

“Or me.”

He laughs a bit, “Well, you’re not exactly on the up and up.”

“That’s an understatement,” you watch as he pulls a compact bow out of another compartment and a quiver. “My less than kosher activities don’t seem to bother you though.”

He looks back at you, “People do what they have to in order to get by. I understand that.” He walks to the ramp, “You comin’?” You bolt grabbing your bag and follow him.

When you step out into the blinding fall day you’re surprised to see the farmhouse Clint’s memories showed you in the distance. The glare of the day and the shock of the location mean you’re not paying attention. Something slams into the middle of your chest and an electric shock rocks your whole body, not enough to knock you out but enough to take your breath and footing away. You hit the ground hard.

As your eyes clear Clint is kneeling next to you, a sharp arrow point pressed to your jugular so hard you’re scared to swallow.

“Threaten my family again and I’ll put an arrow in your fuckin’ eye. We clear?” His words are menacing but there’s a grin on his lips. He means what he’s saying but this is more a gesture to even the playing field, to let you know he’s not someone to trifle with either. In this moment you decide you like him quite a lot.

“Crystal,” you parrot his former response back.

“Good,” he holds out a hand and you stand, dusting grass off your jeans.

“Y/N!” Whip fast your gaze shoots in the direction of the house.

There she is in jeans and a plain black tee. Framed by the quaint farmhouse and blue sky… it’s the most beautiful image you’ve ever seen. She is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Leaving your bag and all safety concerns behind you bolt toward her. Emotion blocking any words from escaping your mouth.

At the halfway point you careen into one another. It’s not some picturesque moment where you spin in one another’s arms. No, your collision causes you both to fall to the ground laughing, crying, arms desperately reaching to hold.

“I love you,” you croak before her lips crush the words away. You hold her face between your hands and pull her away, “I. Love. You. Natasha.”

“I love you too,” she says, tears streaming out of her eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t,” she shuts you up with a kiss that knocks you to your back. When she pulls away there’s nothing but blue sky and her smiling face above you. You take a mental picture of this moment. You’ll keep it forever.

Moving her hair behind her ears you pull her face back to yours and kiss her sslowly savoring the feeling of her lips and the taste of her mouth. You were pretty certain you’d never see heaven but that didn’t matter because you had her here on earth.

“If you two wanna fuck on the lawn just say the word and the rest of us can wait inside,” Clint quips as he walks by you.

Natasha laughs, “Don’t tempt me, Barton.” She sits back and watches as he walks to the porch and embraces the brunette woman. The feeling of peace coming from her is new. She trusts him.

You grab her hand and she looks back at you. Giving it a squeeze she stands, “Come on, let’s go inside.”

You’re about to say that you need to grab your bag but when you look back it’s gone. A thud on the porch draws your eye and you notice Clint grabbed it for you. He embraces the woman, kissing her deeply. You can’t help but smile. Hill, you note, is nowhere to be seen.

Hand in hand you and Natasha approach the house. The woman pulls away from Clint, laughing and slapping at his chest. She walks down the stairs of the porch to meet you.

“Hi!” Her smile is big and welcoming, nothing but kindness rolling off her. “I’m Laura. It’s great to meet you,” she extends a hand.

“Likewise,” you take it, “Y/N.”

“I’ve got fresh coffee inside,” Laura turns and heads in.

The house is warm, the smells of coffee and cinnamon fill the air. You were expecting the sparse feel of a safe house. This is no safe house, this is a home. Family photos, knickknacks, and other personal touches are everywhere.

As you and Natasha follow Laura and Clint inside, a shrill cry makes you jump. Natasha bursts out laughing as she points to the bassinet in the living room. You weren’t expecting this inviting home when you got in the jet a few hours ago and you sure as shit weren’t expecting a baby.

“I got him,” Clint kisses Laura’s cheek and heads over. He coos as he picks up the small squirming bundle. “Daddy’s back little man.”

Nat tugs you toward the kitchen and you follow. Agent Hill sits at the table beside a man who isn’t in need of an introduction. Nick fucking Fury, Christ…You freeze, shooting a glance at Natasha as she takes a seat. Her hand reaches out to you but you don’t move.

“What is this?” Your tone is frigid.

“This is afternoon coffee,” Laura brings a cup to the table. “And this is coffee cake,” she sets down a plate filled with the source of the mouthwatering cinnamon smell.

She smiles at you, “You’ve got no reason to believe this I know, but you’re safe here, Y/N. You’re a guest, so are they. Sit down, have some coffee and cake.” The sincerity comes off of her in waves. When Clint passes the baby to her you can feel the surge of protective energy rise in her too. She’s a good woman. You would trust her… but the others.

Natasha’s eyes are pleading and you give in, taking her hand and sitting at her side on the bench. Her hand squeezes yours. For a second you study her face, reading her for any sign of fear, distrust, anything that may indicate this being a trap. There’s nothing of the sort just love, happiness, exhaustion, relief.

“So, Oracle,” Fury’s low voice sounds like a bomb in the calm space.

Your eyes drag to his, “That’s not my name.” You try to read him but he’s shut you out completely. A grey area.

His lips tick up a bit as if he knows what he’s doing. “Alright. I’m Nick Fury-”

“Yeah, caught that. You’re not exactly inconspicuous with the patch and all.”

He inclines his head a touch in acknowledgment of his signature look. “And your name?”

“Y/N.”

“Y/N, what?”

“Just, Y/N.” His eyes narrow. You chuckle a bit, “Look, I’m not bein’ difficult. I just don’t have a last name, never did.”

“That’s interesting,” he takes a sip of coffee.

You shrug, “Not really.”

Silence hangs. Awkwardly. You drink the coffee and make it through half a slice of cake before your can’t take it.

“Alright, someone start talkin’,” you look around lingering on Nat who suddenly won’t make eye contact. “I mean I could just walk around and pull the story from y’all but I think you’d rather just tell me.”

Clint sighs, “Well, short version is Fury sent me to kill the Widow. I made a different call. Here we are.” You cast Fury a murderous stare and he simply shrugs confirming Clint’s summary.

“Why?”

“Too much red in my ledger…” Natasha’s voice is low.

You turn to her, “You did inform them that wasn’t-”

“Yes,” Fury cuts you off, “She told us all about the Children’s Hospital. We believe her, unfortunately, there’s no way to prove it. And regardless she was involved.” He takes a long drink and you genuinely consider how hard it would be to kill the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

“That was more a final straw,” the look he gives Nat isn’t cruel but you bristle all the same. “We’ve been watching her for a while. Someone that good, well she’s a threat…” His eyes bore into you, “As are you, but we can’t link a damn thing to you to prove that.”

You can’t help the smirk filling your face, “I like to keep my hands clean.” Hill snorts eyes rolling. “Honestly, if you have something to say-”

“Don’t,” Natasha’s hand squeezes yours tight.

“I’m not the one with an obvious issue,” you look to Nat, hoping for support but she looks away. “No…” You let the contact with her open a channel to her thoughts. “Natasha, you aren’t…”

“It’s a good offer,” Fury doesn’t seem phased by your obvious reading of her thoughts. He looks to Clint, “And Barton has volunteered to sponsor Ms. Romanoff.”

“What the fuck is this AA? Honey-”

“It was my choice, babe,” she finally meets your eyes.

You try to find the answer to your question but come up empty, “So what? Trade one leash for another or they kill you? That’s not a choice,” your voice is raising along with your anxiety.

“You’re right,” Clint says from your left, “and that’s not how we do things.”

“I could retire, go off the radar, they’d protect me in exchange for information,” you feel a flicker of despair in her, “but… I wanna make this shit right, Y/N… everything I’ve done…” She turns a bit toward you, “That’s what they offered me, a chance to make right, do something decent for a change. Maybe… maybe help people.”

“Clint seems to think there’s more to the Widow than what the world’s seen so far, I trust his gut,” Fury gives the man a soft smile. Hill hands Fury a file and he slides it across the table to you. The tab reads “Oracle- High Risk.” Your eyes dig into him.

“Enhanced mental abilities, empath, telepathy, possibly other unknown psionic abilities.” A tremor shakes you, Natasha’s hand moves to your thigh, attempting to ground you. “Origin unknown, possible connection to the Lafitte crime syndicate,” you bristle, “other affiliations unknown. High risk of security breech.”

“Almost right, no connections to Lafitte though,” you stare Fury down. his brows raise and he smirks.

“No?” He flips the file open and points to a photo of you at 14 next to Remmy Lafitte, the head of the family and a prominent figure in your own nightmares, his hand on your shoulder. Your stomach flips. “That looks like a connection to me. Hill?”

“Close connection,” she sneers.

Rage boils under your skin, “I wouldn’t call being someone’s slave a connection. Would you, Agent?” Silence falls as you look at the members around the table. Hill looks away, Laura looks disgusted, Clint and Fury have surprisingly understanding expressions, and Nat… well she knew it all.

“Can we get to the point?” You slam the file closed. “You got some decent info on me, more than I suspected, but that’s not really shocking all things considered. Given your status, I gotta assume my presence is more than a courtesy to Natasha.”

“Not a courtesy at all,” he stands and grabs the coffee pot. He offers everyone some and refits mugs while he speaks, “This is an offer, same as we gave your girl here. Come work for us, wipe the slate clean, maybe even do a little good.”

“Ah,” you try once more to read him and come back with nothing. “And I assume this agreement has no strings such as medical tests and the like attached?”

He catches your drift, “Nothing beyond the usual.” He takes a seat, “Look, we saw this as an opportunity to bring someone with your… unique skill set on board. There are threats out there bigger than you can imagine, the more prepared we are, the better. Someone who can suss out threats in our own ranks… Well, that’s a valuable asset.”

“If I decline?” You can feel tension radiate off Natasha.

“What can we do?” He shrugs sipping his coffee, “You keep doing what you do. When you fuck up we will deal with you.” His eyes slide to Natasha.

“Hill, would be more likely to take me out,” she throws daggers at you, “just an observation.”

Fury actually laughs at this, “You’re probably right there.” He sighs, “You have until tomorrow at 17:00 to make a call.”

“What’s the catch?” Natasha’s hand moves away from your thigh. Oh. She’s the catch.

You turn to her, silently begging her to look at you and tell you that your assumption is wrong… She doesn’t, just stares into her coffee.

“While we don’t usually control who our agents interact with this is a… special case. If you chose to remain a… free asset,” Fury seems to note the poor choice of words given your previous statement, “for lack of a better term, any contact with you would be considered a breech of international security.”

A storm swells in your chest. Tingles start on your skin and you take a few deep breaths willing yourself to calm down. “What happens at 17:00 tomorrow?”

“They’re taking me to S.H.I.E.L.D. for processing and on boarding,” Nat practically whispers.

“The Bartons have been kind enough to harbor Ms. Romanoff while we sort out this… unorthodox situation. Now that a decision has been made we need to move quickly.” Fury finishes his coffee.

“We will leave you to make your choice. Laura,” he offers a genuine smile to her, “thank you for the hospitality, as always.”

“Of course,” she gives him a smile back, though you seem to feel she’s not a fan of what’s just transpired.

With that Hill and Fury head out, Clint follows with promises to be right back. Suddenly the warm space feels suffocating. Natasha touches your hand and you recoil.

“I need some air,” you bolt up, “can I,” you gesture to a door off the kitchen.

Laura stands, her son sleeping in her arms, “Yeah, that’ll take you out back. Do you need any-”

“No, thank you,” you rush out, feeling like you’re about to combust.

[trashcat-hiss]

An informed rant about the resolution of the SU movie:

Just gonna put this on main blog rather than a more focused side blog:

So like, SU MOVIE SPOILERS OKAY

... as a person who is still split and really, really fucked up by childhood trauma and neglect and who did 15 years of work and research and two degrees in mental health attempting to fix this shit...

... probably should mention that I almost destroyed my life and lost tens of thousands of dollars of my -partner's money- (yeah, not just my own resources but theirs too) trying to pull my fucked up birth family together this May after I was inspired by how "easy" it was for Steven to get White Diamond to hear reason. Yeah, not all toxic families are gonna respond the same way, whodathunk? Not to completely invalidate the story, bc it's a valid thing to try... but not all birth families are gonna heal with you, no matter how much you practice relationships with your found family beforehand. For sure, try it, but like... Cope Ahead (to use DBT lingo) just in case. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT if your birth family doesn't react like Steven's. He's a fictional character, and also his story is just one story; he can't possibly represent all of us.

lemme just say that the SU movie was extremely difficult to watch, I experienced a lot of flashback. If you have any flavor of disorder (Dxed or not) stemming from neglect/abandonment, abuse, etc (Spinel + the scythe + her song lyrics are relatable to CPTSD, BPD, DID, OSDD, etc) _PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE_ try and make sure you've got the spoons for viewing (and some hasty processing) and if you have support watch it with them (though other people seeing you switch or otherwise react is it's own issue tbf).

And here's the thing I need to get off my chest:

AS A SURVIVOR AND AS A PROFESSIONAL BOTH I FUCKING HATE THE RESOLUTION.

There, I said it.

Rebecca, you just sent an abused person who had her first fuckin breakthrough BACK INTO THE ARMS OF THREE ABUSERS. The Diamonds are obviously still learning how to be less shitty, still codependent af, and the likelihood of Spinel -learning how to be a good friend- from the Diamonds is, well, p fucking slim.

Sure, playing matchy-match with people's codependencies is a convenient way to not have to deal with Spinel on a day-to-day basis. Yes, she's clingy and is probably gonna still have rage outbursts/all the other flavors of trauma reactions bc flashbacks and emotional flashbacks (often in CPTSD our bodies remember the feeling of a scary event but not the actual events like one does in PTSD--in CPTSD we tend to have both, and I'm having more of the latter as I heal tbh).

Spinel CANNOT learn to be a better friend or learn how to handle her outbursts without consistent friends maintaining boundaries. This is what this ending misses completely. When you're surviving hell, you don't learn appropriate communication skills. She needs to learn them now; new skills don't just appear, they take lots of practice and slips are gonna happen along the way. REAL friends will both try to understand why we have outbursts but will also learn to define their own boundaries with us because honestly they don't deserve our abuse. It's a delicate balance, but there really are people in the world who will stand with us when we try our best, even when sometimes our best is not very good. These people are the ones who help me see why I want to do better in the first place.

Spinel's early life consisted of MAKE PINK HAPPY, which, as we see, doesn't leave her with her own sense of meaning or purpose without Pink.

Those of us healing deep childhood trauma need role models of HEALTHY relationships, we really do need to be adopted in a way by people who can Show Up but who can also place a healthy divide between themselves and us. We have to physically experience many, many, many times that there are people in the world who (for example) can hang out with other friends without us AND will return to hang out with us. We have to learn that there are people in the world who will actually not abuse us or take advantage of us.

Overcoming Learned Helplessness is hard work and we can't do it alone. Spinel needs to see people like the Gems living their own lives, each with their own meaning and drive. (imho a good sitdown with the B-team could really help. Bismuth also was "abandoned" by Pink but since she was already a Gem at the time (ie an adult) she has been able to recover a little more quickly--still probably some similar feelings to relate and talk about managing, esp anger; Lapis really struggles with her trauma responses, too, but in the end she remembered the people who Actually Showed Up for her and she's finally feeling like she has a home--but she likely still managing her fear and she could explain how she moves through it in order to keep her home; Peridot also showed up to Earth with an abuse-informed purpose (conquering) but through Gems (and humans) taking their time and learning to be kind to her and DEMONSTRATING healthy friendship, she's a great, loyal friend and a rad inventor-artist. Remember how racist and kinda shitty Peridot was when she first showed up? She didn't know better, and she does now because people took the time to actually talk to her. She still has moments where her fear rumination makes her freeze, but now we see people actually engage her about those fears so she can overcome them and move into action.

(tangent: Peridot is coded as autistic, and in my personal experience and secondarily in my old career of meeting people in the mental health realm, autistic people and those with CPTSD have a lot of similar work to do as far as having to teach themselves how to person bc we didn't learn the thing naturally--esp in the arenas of emotional regulation and social communication. Some of us are both autistic AND traumatized. If you relate mostly to the B-team Gems, check out skills developed by both of these communities. The actuallyautistic community has been a fucking awesome resource for new ideas and skills, and honestly I find a lot of relief in reading stuff under a lot of the actually tags, like actuallytraumatized... relief in knowing I'm not alone in this.)

NO ONE HEALS IN A VOID.

I'm just... really frustrated and angry that Spinel went from one abuser to another set of abusers, because that's VERY often what happens to us survivors irl. The Diamonds have shit for boundaries, they're still trying to take Steven on all the guilt trips and they're still classist/racist af. Better, definitely, bc they do eventually respect Steven's imposed boundary of not wanting to live with them... but man am I scared that Spinel is headed right back into the garden, so to speak.

Sorry if this is disjointed or rambling or incomplete, I still stan SU overall but as someone who is healing and has -some- words to talk about these feelings, I thought I should put them out in the world instead of bottling them up. Even the most wonderful things can be flawed: Radical Acceptance.

[bard-dadsquared]

In other news, I do need validation. Long angry rant is about to happen.

The other day I called my Ex on fb so he could talk to our son. I made a comment later that day how he looked like he hadnt been sleeping and how he seemed like he may be depressed, and the person i was talking to was just like

"Poor guy :(("

To which I just shrugged and told them that I didnt feel bad for him, everything he's feeling, he brought on himself.

They said "I feel kinds bad for him because I know he loves you!"

And I'm just???

Maybe he did?? Maybe he does?? But that doesn't negate all the shit he did to drive me the fuck away. I loved him too once. But then everything I said, everything I felt, everything I tried to ask for fell on deaf ears.

I don't feel bad for him because when we moved to the duplex in Texas, he left all the loading and packing to me. It was up to me to find people to help me move stuff to the new place and make sure everything was packed and ready to go. All he worried about was his PC and his desk. Hell even my brother and I had to put my bed frame together because he hadn't done it.

He was an asshole everytime we had to go back to the other house to help clean up too and got mad once because my mom asked us to bring something and he didnt bring it.

But things settled down mostly. I hated how i was expected to do almost everything but it was manageable.

Then he wanted to move and find a new job, which was fine, he sorta?? Let me know what kind of jobs he was applying for and where. But when he got an offer, he accepted it without even talking to me about it. The job he took he was going to start in two months and I had less than a months notice to pack all of our shit and leave not only that but they didn't offer relocation and he was going to be getting a little less in pay. We had less than a month to move Which again- he barely helped with. All the sorting through shit and packing was left up to me once again. I ended up leaving almost all of our stuff behind because I couldnt fucking take it with me to my moms.

I gave Virginia a shot and i was more miserable than I've been ever. I was expected to do everything. EVERYTHING. I decided to go to California. I had originally hoped that in doing so we could save some money and he could use the money we saved to get stuff for the apartment to make it more comfortable.

Which didnt really happen until April. After being with Family in Cali for a while, seeing how well lucian was doing and stuff, I honestly didn't wanna go back. I went back to sign the lease and then again a couple months after my aunt died because of how tense things were at the house, i figured it'd be a last ditch effort to save things.

But no. I tried to tell him how I felt. I tried to tell him what bothered me, why i was so depressed. I told him I felt lonely, I told him I felt like i was expected to do everything. And it always. always felt like I was talking to a wall

I told him I wished wed go out and do things more, that itd be nice and I might meet people. He wanted me to meet people online first and then meet them in person. Which totally defeated the purpose of getting me out of the. House to socialize, and even if indidnt make any friends then at least I got out and was productive. But he doesnt like leaving the house.

I told him countless times that I felt like it was unfair that he expected me to do so much work around then house with minimal help, but nothing changed. He thought helping more meant cleaning the kitchen and making easy dinners.

And while I appreciated it in wished hed help more with the living room too, or the laundry, or anything else literally. The most recent time I brought it up he managed to turn it around to finances and told me that he doesnt spend money on himself because he spends it all on me and Lucian. He told me that if i didnt get what I wanted I essentially acted like it was the end of the world.

Granted yes, I'd get disappointed and my displays depending on my mood or whether or not the item was seasonal or limited edition varried from minor to being a little mopey (i really tried not to be, most of the time i was usually more upset about the ungodly cost than anything.)

Then he invades my privacy, not once but twice I found out. This son of a bitch logged on to my discord, TWICE.

The first time he did it was a day I cleaned the whole apartment. Like I vacuumed, shampooed, cleaned the kitchen counters the best in could, did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped counters and the stove, did several loads of laundry, picked up in the bedroom.

As soon as he got home i went to my room and I guess thats when he did it. He logged onto my account on the computer and opened discord, and went through my messages.

That's literally the only reason he asked me for a divorce. Was because he had seen I've been thinking about it for a while.

And then for whatever reason he did it a second fucking time.

The irony? The first time he did it?? If hed just fucking come to me, I was gonna ask him for a divorce myself. But then he did it, and while it was a huge relief at the time, it would have taken every ounce of willpower not to slap him if I had known then that he was only asking because he went through my messages.

We managed to work things out to maintain some civility for Lucian's sake, and i was okay with that! I was glad we seemed to have cleared the air a little bit.

But then I thought about it more, he never actually apologized to me for anything. He never actually apologized for the messed up stuff he did or said, and he doesnt think he did anything wrong by going through my messages. In fact he thinks he was justified because "I needed to know how they really felt."

And then when I admitted some things I did or said was messed up, he didnt even actually own up to his bullshit. He had to lump me in with him

"Cant we bith admit that we both did and said fucked up shit?"

Like?? That's whaT I WAS JUST DOING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME???

Then on my way to CO I find out??? He tried to say he does everything himself??? Inwas looking into the requirements to fly with my cat and dog because originally i was going to fly to Colorado. I dont remember which airline I checked, but I checked the requirements for the airline he was gonna send me on, and then he tells my step dad hes tired of doing everything himself.

WHAT???

I looked it up!! I thought I was gonna fly with a certain airline so that's who I fucking looked it up for!!! And hes trying to say he did all the footwork HIMSELF?! If I'd known he was considering another airline I WOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT UP TOO, BUT I DIDNT. Then He has the audacity to say hes tired of being the only one doing all the work??

Are you fucking kidding me????

No, nuh uh. Fuck him. I dont think I hate him surprisingly but FUCK IM LIVID.

I should by all rights hate his fucking guts, but dont, if I did the sight of him would send me into fits of rage as would the mention of his name.

But God damn I am PISSED OFF at him. So fucking pissed off. I mean for all I know hes hacked my account and is reading this right fucking now.

If you are Alex, FUCK YOU for everything you've put me through these last couple years.

fuck him. I don't feel bad for him in the least. I know I'm not fucking perfect, but I fucking tried. I gave him more chances than he fucking deserved. He held me to unfair standards, he expected me to clean house in 2 hours or less, expected me to cook every fucking night, constantly tried to tell me my mental health is harder for him than it is for me, tried to tell my family that he does all the fucking work (okay I cant make phone calls but I can do fucking research you fuck), made me out to be the bad guy constantly, doesn't own up to his bullshit, put me through all this and EXPECTED ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR GOING TO CALIFORNIA, went through my fucking discord, and countless other bullshit.

Yeah no I don't feel bad for him. Not at all, he had plenty of chances to work with me to avoid all this and he chose to ignore it. The only attempts seemed to be when I wasn't with him.

I have a lot of baggage and issues, but I fucking deserve better than that.

If hes in emotional turmoil because of what happened. He brought it on himself. I fuckin tried.

If me not feeling even a little sorry for him makes me a bad person

Then get me my fucking demon costume.

[katsutomos]

hello, i’m kosmo (she/her) and i’m v excited to be here hehehe! thank u for having me! ;; also i didn’t realise that both kosmo and tomo end the with the same letters & now i wanna d*e but oh well pls ignore that! (: anyw, i’m here introduce TOMO!! there’s probably some stuff i left out here but it ended up having a word count of almost 2.5k so i’m just going to stop myself while i’m ahead! i’ll finish off my stats & bio pages soon and then i’ll try to think up some plots but here’s all this for now!

(tw: suicide mention, brief drug mentions)

BASIC STATS

NAME / tomo katsumura; his full name is tomohiko but nobody calls him that except his mum & grandparents like literally everybody else knows him as tomo NICKNAMES / technically, tomo IS a nickname but he’s so used it that not using a nickname with him is :knife emoji: -- also katsutomo but that one’s more of fan-title-nickname rather than one he actually uses (as much as he came up with it himself tweeting it out like ‘you guys can call me katsutomo from now on if you like ^^’ before changing all his handles to that exact name). other than that, he’s a bit iffy about nicknames. he likes them if HE came up with them but giving him a nickname is usually Yikes City (unless he decides it’s cute and lets u do it, i guess) AGE & DOB / twenty-three & 6th november 1995 BIRTHPLACE / LA, USA ETHNICITY / japanese OCCUPATION / actor! he dabbles in modelling but it’s more of an ‘i got asked to model this thing bc i’m famous and they’re paying me (:’ type deal than it being something he’s actually personally into. whereas acting is his PASSION.

EARLY LIFE

to start with, let’s talk about his parents; his dad, born and raised in america, was an actor who eventually made a move into directing but ultimately committed suicide at age 38 & his mother, born and raised in japan, is a socialite who had started off as a teen idol in the 80s. his parents had also divorced when tomo was still young, a few years before his dad’s death, so he uses his mother’s surname. tomo does not get on with her but, thanks to the sense of guilt she’s raised into him, he can’t bring himself to cut her out of his life completely. 

basically, she’s got hang ups about the way her idol career ended so she kind of pushed tomo into the spotlight (which was fine for him because he wanted to act) but she grew envious of him after he got out of his teens and doesn’t like the decisions he makes. it’s a mutual issue. they mostly don’t get on because they can’t see eye to eye or really speak to each other at length without arguing.

his mum actually wanted him to break into acting when he was about nine because he’d already taken an interest in it by then. because her career had ended early, she took the approach of ‘he won’t be cute forever, what if we wait too long and he loses his chance?’ but his father, who had his own issues with the industry, strongly disagreed. this disagreement was one small contributing factor for their divorce; they had plenty of other issues as well but this didn’t help. their compromise was that tomo could wait until he was in his teens and this deal was mostly held up because tomo thought it was wrong to break a promise with a dead guy.

to be clear though, he’d probably have issues with his dad too if he were still alive (and he’s not exactly super fond of him as it is; he doesn’t hate him but he doesn’t like being asked about being his son). he was kind of a shit husband and, if it weren’t for the fact he didn’t see tomo as often as he’d like, he’d probably be a pretty distant father as well. his work was pretty much his main priority and he had a lot of personal issues that he took out on other people.

tomo grew up in LA for the most part but also spent a lot of time in japan, mostly jumping between osaka, where his mother’s family lived, and tokyo, where his mother’s friends and connections & his father’s extended family lived. the family stopped travelling quite as much after his father’s death and tomo’s reaching high school age. he grew up bilingual.

CAREER

he started acting professional when he was 16, mostly with a few smaller tv roles but he had good connections and was able to get a small but still substantial role in the film directed by a friend of his dad. his big break came at age 18 when he landed a leaded a role in the main cast of high school drama. it was exciting at first, being on tv and being famous, but he hated both the show and his character so the whole thing got tired fast. he wasn’t allowed to quick so he went out of his way to get himself fired. there’s a whole story behind that but i’ll leave that for the bio hehehe! (he wanted his character to get killed off bc he thought it’d be fun to act out but they wouldn’t let him do that ): boooo)

one of his biggest issues with the tv show was that he didn’t like being sold as a product / character that wasn’t anything like him. he hated being shown off as this squeaky clean teen heartthrob type and not being allowed to have his own emotions & tastes. he found it mentally exhausting and, since then, he’s had a lot of issues dealing with the contrast between how he is as a person and how he’s seen by the media. he tries not to admit it but he’s terrified of being swallowed up by what other people think of of him and losing track of himself in the process. it’s made him a little paranoid.

since then, he’s avoided tv as much as possible. he prefers working on films in general but he finds the idea of playing the same character for too long incredibly unappealing. he enjoys taking on new roles and absorbing himself in that character & sometimes to the point of bordering on obsession so playing the same role not only plays into his fears of people seeing him as someone he’s not (i.e; whatever character it is) but he’s also scared of seeing HIMSELF the wrong way. he needs the separation.

tomo likes working on indie films or more artistic/niche studio films most of all. the promotion cycle isn’t as intensive and the characters tend to appeal to him more. he has appeared in a few blockbuster-type films but mostly because his bosses have pushed him into it or he’s had to taken on a multiple film contract with a studio in order to land a role he really wanted. (he once got int trouble for calling his own character in a blockbuster a ‘dumb bitch’ on twitter)

the bratpack article had a pretty heavy impact on him. it kinda just spoke to all of his worst fears of not really being a Real Person or being Sold A Certain Way. he wanted to get away from it without having to actually stop working because it’s the one thing that really keeps him stable. his eventual means of escape was a role in a japanese film. he’s been living in japan since then, having moved there to specifically hunt out a film to work on, to get used to the japanese industry/prepare himself and then get to filming. he’s come to milan straight from tokyo, not having seen any of the other brats in person during that time, but he’s had time to relax. sort of. 

PERSONALITY

for the most part, tomo’s a friendly and energetic guy! (living up to his name a lil bit here bc tomo can mean ‘friend’ in japanese hehehe) when he’s at his best, he’s great company. he likes to stand out in a crowd, has a winning smile and enjoys a little bit of attention but also knows when to step back and look out for other people. he likes to play as hard as he works. the trouble is that, when things aren’t going well and he’s distressed, he tends to collapse in on himself. behaviour that seemed playful before looks straight up stupid and reckless instead. he’ll avoid attention but get frustrated because he craves it and do more reckless shit for attention. yet he’s pretty good at pretending shit’s fine, he’s still weirdly positive for a guy who feels all messed up — maybe he gets away with it because he’s a good actor. tomo has good days and bad days but there’s little warning as to which is which. it wasn’t always this way; it’s like something has broken his spirit. (i copied this from my app but asdghgsdf)

that’s why his archetype is The Contradiction,,,bc he doesn’t make any fuckin sense, woooeee! he’s this very bouncy, upbeat person and he likes having fun but he’s not really a very positive person in terms of outlook. he’s too high energy! his general vibe is everything’s going to shit but i’m going to have a good time anyway :D

actually, on that note...he IS :D

he doesn’t like crying in front of people which is rough bc he’s v emotional all the time. he’s a total crybaby when he’s drunk. if you drink with him, there WILL be a point at which you have to scoop him up off the floor because he’s found something over which to start weeping. OR he’ll end up calling you to panic about how he can’t find his way home, only for him to realise like 5 minutes later he’s phoning you from the steps outside his apartment building.

the kind of guy who can have a full-on breakdown in his room by himself and then just reappear & ask u if u wanna go for ice cream or smth bc he’s bored. like ok that’s done with, that already happened. it’s over.

anyw he’s always willing to give ppl advice if they’re feeling stuck. it’s not always great advice bc he’s basically shit at dealing with stuff himself. he’s not one of these ppl who gives great advice but can’t follow it himself, he’s more...he gives advice bc he’d feel bad if he didn’t TRY so the advice itself definitely varies in quality. he means well though.

don’t watch funny films with him because he will do one of either things; 1) not find it funny and sit through the whole thing like : | or 2) he’ll find it so funny that he’ll end up on the floor at some point. there’s no in between. it’s all or nothing with this fucker.

he really likes cute shit. he’s rich so there’s nothing stopping him from buying those overpriced limited edition hello kitty goods.

let’s not talk about how he enjoys acting bc it’s an escape where he can be Somebody Else but he can’t cope with himself being promoted as something that doesn’t feel like Tomo. that’s its own mess. i’m p sure he’d just unravel if anybody said anything about it.

OTHER STUFF

his hair is currently bright red. it’s a recent change but he was like ‘uhhhh if i’m going on this trip, i’m making a visual statement’ and that was that. he likes to go for more interesting colours when he’s not filming anything because it’s the only time he really gets to. i mean, he still has dyed hair in a lot of his films but it’ll usually be brown or blonde or something else more ‘realistic’.

tomo cares a LOT about the way he dresses and styles himself. he’ll probably complain if he has to do a promo/magazine shoot and he doesn’t like the outfit he’s been given. it doesn’t actually help him half the time and he just gets told to shut up but it’s the PRINCIPLE of it !!!!!!!!

he posts on his finsta probably way too often but that’s because his public social media is pretty filtered, given that he’s caused fusses on social media before. there have been multiple cases of him having to delete tweets and instagram posts because somebody in charge decided he was pushing the limit just a little too much and, granted, most of it wouldn’t be seen as risky (bc it’s mostly utterly pointless stuff that gets flagged up as risky, e.g; ‘i need to pee and i can’t find a bathroom. death is coming for me.’) if he hadn’t publicly complained about the tv show that made him famous several times on twitter but he did do that so, y’know, he’s seen as a liability. the unfortunate outcome of this is that his finsta story is often littered with fairly inane thoughts.

he’s not very good at watching himself in films. it depends on the film and he can do it but uhhhh let’s just say he once watched the one horror film he was in at the cinema (and didn’t like most of it bc he’s a wuss about that sort of thing) but he laughed during his own death scene. there were tears in his eyes. real tears.

he doesn’t like dating because...well, he likes the IDEA of it but he’s the type to really fall for someone and BASICALLY? he’s scared of being dumped! he’s a bright & appealing personality with just enough edge to balance it out but he’s a bit of an emotional screwball and getting people interested is easier than keeping them interested, leading to mixed experiences with dating so he’s settled for sleeping around a little instead. oh well, whatever works! (does it actually work? shhhh it’s a secret...)

he’s very much involved in the party scene, whatever country he’s in. it’s not something he talks about much (privately, i mean, bc DUH he doesn’t say it publicly) but he doesn’t exactly avoid drugs in anyway (code for...yeah, he’s done stuff). it’s all casual, he says, but he still does it. he does smoke cigarettes though and he’s a little dependent on that.

also i guess he got involved in that kinda thing deliberately because he wants to distance himself from the clean-cut, shiny heartthrob pretty boy image as much as possible. eventually, it just became a natural way of de-stressing and dealing with the constant frustration of his career. the unfortunate consequence of that is that he’s now got a bit of a Bad Boy/Wild Child image and he’s not entirely sure he likes that either. (the shift in image also means that some journalists will talk about him as though he’s ‘gone off the rails’ and, yeah, he hates that as well)

[sassypotatoe1]

On loss:

So the last month or so, a LOT of what I've been struggling with has been cleared up for me and I got meds to deal with a MAJOR cause of my issues, and am better able to understand why a lot of things in my life are the way they are, but one thing I couldn't figure out (and watching a memorial episode for an actor in a series he played in and crying my eyes out the whole 45 minutes triggered the thoughts about it) was why I struggle so much with grief.

Now grief is a weird as fuck thing, and I looked for answers in a lot of places, figured it out a couple times before realizing nope, that ain't it, before finally talking it out with my therapist.

Grief is weird, and no one deals with it the same way, but it's pretty difficult to deal with when you don't seem to be dealing with it at all.

When my grandpa died, I was kinda shocked, and suddenly really focused. I was really fucking annoyed when my teacher tried to make me feel guilty for not attending a school event even though I couldn't attend because my grandpa's funeral was on that day. A lotnof things suddenly seemed like they didn't matter anymore. My grandpa was my idol, and you'd expect I'd be crushed by his death, especially since I cried myself sick over the death of a duckling, and over not getting to go horse riding even though my dad promised me, and over the almost-death of an animal in a movie. All at around the same age. If I could be that damn sad over such little things, why couldn't I be sad over my literal idol dying, the one person in my life that got me and completely supported my every nutty endeavor and whim.

I felt so guilty. Did I just not care? Was I only pretending? Was I a psychopath? Was I crazy? What is so wrong with me that I can't seem to mourn my own grandpa? Am I selfish? Inhuman? Why don't feel sad?

Now it should be noted that I struggle with depression and anxiety pretty frequently (due to some undiagnosed things fucking up my life and people continually telling me I was just lazy, there's nothing wrong with me, I should just try harder and me burning myself out trying my absolute fucking hardest but never being enough) and that at the time of my grandpa's death (who had been getting worse and worse for months due to cancer) I was stuck in the worst depressive episode to date, and actively having suicidal thoughts.

All that contributed to this massive numbness I continually felt in between random bursts of complete and utter rage, but when I got the news, I was talking to a family friend about why I wanted to be an actress and actually doing my homework for once half an hour later. For the first time in my life, I felt NORMAL, and it was right after the most important person in my life died.

How could I feel so okay with it? Why was the only thing even remotely making me feel something the pain other people experienced at his death, people who almost definitely didn't idolize and care about my grandpa nearly as much as I did? What was wrong with me? WHY WASN'T something wrong with me?

It took months before I actually felt ANYTHING about his death, and even then it was some sadness and a general fear of death for the 6 minutes it took to listen to a song about a departed mother and tell both my parents how much I love them. After that I all but forgot about my grandpa. I missed him sometimes, I missed him when we re-did his house to put it on the market, I missed him when I ate eclairs (toffee with a chocolate paste center if you don't know it) for the first time after he died, I missed him when I had orange flavored baked pudding (he gave it to me every year on my birthday and though everyone says he baked it himself, including him, the container he bought it is is a clear indication of the fact that he bought it instead) in my first year of university and again when my friend invited me to her house because I couldn't go home for my birthday and her mom baked me oramge pudding. I miss him now as I type this and every time I hear arrie wadetchi (probably some really twisted version of some germanic greeting but he used to say it every time I went home from a visit and it was eventually shortened to arrie warrie) which is not extremely frequently but surprisingly still being said. I missed him when my grandma (his divorced wife) married again, and when she started getting sick too. I missed him when my dad put up his coffee grinder in the kitchen, and when he took it down a month later because everyone kept walking into it and getting nasty bruises and the most swear words my childhood home ever heard occurred in that month. I miss him every time I see a station wagon. In between though, I don't miss him at all. And I couldn't figure out why I can mourn small losses so welk, but big losses just don't seem to affect me the same, or at all.

At first, I thought maybe I am a sociopath. Maybe I'm just so good faking emotions I fooled myself. Turns out that's not it, so maybe I'm healthy, and actually capable of dealing with my emotions, like one article suggested between the millions of articles calling me selfish. Nope, if I was good with dealing with my emotions I wouldn't be in therapy having someone else explain to me why the idea that everyone hates me is an irrational thought, and suggest I actually ASK people what they think of me if it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I feel so damn deeply about everything amd had a pretty shitty fuckin life, and I'm so used to dealing with shitty crap that another shitty thing is just another inconvenience to add to the pile.

Or maybe, and this is what my therapist suggested, I was just dealing with so much emotional turmoil, and depression, and social anxiety, and having adhd but not knowing, or having meds, and constantly trying to accomplish the impossible feat of being perfect, and I just didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it then, so my brain was like "yo, let's fix your other shit because this shit warrants your full attention" and am only able to deal with it now because my mental health (though not anywhere near perfect) is about 700% better than it was then, and I have the emotional capacity to deal with it. Which I did, I finally actually GRIEVED my grandpa's loss. I cried about it, remembered why I love him, I took about 17 minutes of the session just trying to process the fact that I'm human and can apparently actually experience grief, I just needed to figure out how. For the first time in my life, I felt for the death of my grandpa what I felt for the death of a damn duckling I knew for a day, and I have a lot of grief and loss to catch up on and work through, but at least now I know I'm not a sociopath, I just process things differently, which I always knew but never realized stretched as far a grief. I'm going to be okay, and not feeling sad for a significant loss right away is okay, and not feeling or expressing grief the way that's expected is okay. And if you can relate to this at all, I hope my story helped you figure it out, because by damn it took me about 7 years.