#funny mcu quotes

[marvel-lous-guy]

Muffled voice on the phone: We have kidnapped your son and if you want to see him alive again you'll have to-

Tony: Son? I HAVE A SON!?! WHY AM I JUST HEARING ABOUT THIS!?!

Muffled voice: ...We have the teenager with brown hair and a science pun shirt

Tony: Oh, you mean Peter. Yeah, he's not my son.

Muffled voice: ...are you sure?

Tony: yeah, I'm pretty sure

Muffled voice: Well, we still have the kid locked up... so do you want him or not?

Tony: ... Peter is literally sat right in front of me doing his calculus homework...

Tony: Pete, were you kidnapped?

Peter: Oh yeah! That's what I forgot to tell you!

[marvelflame2010]

Y/n in line at a coffee shop: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, 7 espresso shots please.

Shuri behind her: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine

[traveller-of-the-knight]

*ok, but what is Jake's stragle?*

[screechcat]

Y/n walks into the kitchen and sees Natsha leaning against the counter

Y/n mentally: Ass slapping position, must smack ass

Y/n reeling their hand back to give the most painful and life ending smack to Nat's ass

Natasha: Y/n, if you do what I know you're going to do, I will end you.

Y/n stopping with their hand still fully reeled back. Not even a second of thought later, they full force smack her ass and run laughing.

Y/n laughing maniacally: So fucking worth it!

Nat chasing after them in pain but ready to end a life.

Note: There is a theme today, I know. Don't question why cause I have no answer for you.

[ragingemini]

Bucky: Will Steve and I be gay lovers in this undercover mission?

Fury: No, as I said this is not neccessary.

Bucky:

[mischievous-thunder]

Ft. Jealous!Stormbteaker

[bluesunshine21]

Y/n : Rules are made to be broken!

Bucky:Which is why you're wanted in thirteen countries.

[writershapeholeonthedoor]

Tony: Before the quinjet takes off, make sure every small item is secure.

Wanda leans over to Natasha *quietly*: Do you feel secure?

Natasha *is fully offended*: I'm going to kill you.

[aleksmaximoff]

Loki S2 as tweets:

bonus:

[not-me-underc0ver]

Tony and Peter walking.

Tony: OH MY GOD

Peter panicked: What?!

Tony pointing at something: THERE HE IS! THAT'S THE FUCKIN GUY

Peter: ?

Tony still pointing: That's the fucking guy behind all my problems!

Peter: Tony, you're pointing at your reflection.

[textsfromthetva]

Incorrect Loki Quotes [184/?]

[marvel-lous-guy]

Peter: If there was a zombie apocalypse... couldn't you bite the zombie and it would turn back into a human?

Tony: ...what?

Peter: well,  if a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie... so would a zombie turn into a human if a human bit it?

Tony: No, I didn't mean "what" as in elaborate. I meant it as in "how the fuck does your brain come up with this shit"

[marvelflame2010]

Bucky: Hey, do you think I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Sam: You’re a menace to society.

Y/n: And a coward, do 20

[traveller-of-the-knight]

Text by @buckykingofmemes

Also the fact that the text is originally for Steve and Bucky is gold

[sarcasm-and-stiles]

Peter: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

Y/N: Oh, you’ve been?

Peter: Once. In Monopoly.

[ragingemini]

Fury: That's the briefing. It is all we know about the Winter Soldier. Any questions, notes, comments?

Steve: