Okay I have to jump on the “Walt could’ve just Not Done That”-is-a-horrible-take train. I just finished Gray Matter on my rewatch and the writers make it so deeply, heart-wrenchingly clear WHY Walt decides to cook with Jesse rather than taking Gretchen and Elliot’s money. And I think I get what people are misunderstanding about it
Yes, it’s a pride thing. But it’s not pride about who pays for his treatment— that’s not the heart of it. It’s pride about how he wants to die. Walt wants dignity. In the face of this terminal diagnosis, he is looking back on a life where he feels he hasn’t ever made any of his own choices, and he is looking forward to a future of deeply unpleasant and dehumanizing treatment that will most likely lead to him dying frail in a hospital bed (like his only memory of his own father). And on top of that, to have his treatment paid for by the people who stole his life’s work (and in his mind the life he should’ve had), and then to have his family taken care of by Hank after his death… Walt doesn’t see himself anywhere in that image of his life. He might as well not be there.
Walt wants to make his own choices. He wants to be in control of how he dies. He wants to go out with dignity. That is deeply sympathetic— to be at his lowest point, and reach for something to make him feel alive. The writers + Bryan cranston make this motivation viscerally clear. And that’s what makes the show WORK
The tragedy, what Walt gets wrong, is in the limited image he has of what a good death can look like. Of what truly living, with dignity and control over your life can look like. Staring death straight on and deciding to battle it side by side with your family and loved ones, accepting help, and showing vulnerability without shame— that could’ve been what he was looking for, if he was open to it. Instead, he goes a very different way.
BUT that doesn’t mean he’s acting sooooo crazy and stupid in a way that’s unmotivated and not compelling. His motivation is so clear to me on this rewatch. And that’s what makes it a beautiful tragedy
Some of the names Ben 10 makes up for his aliens sound like they’d be in-universe slurs.
Return to Castle Wolfenstein (PC, 2001)
Did you know❓️ Did you fucking know❓️
gray matter... but baby.
Procrastination Is Poor Mood Regulation
I am a lifelong procrastinator. I now have an ADHD diagnosis, which is good to know, but the diagnosis hasn’t cured my tendency to put things off. I’ve read the articles, I’ve broken my to-do list into smaller lists, blah blah blah, but I really just want to know why am I like this
why, after 20 years of procrastinating and in possession of a better-than-average brain, can I not think my way out of the hole of procrastination? why do I make every task 10x more stressful and scary than it is?
I found some articles reframing procrastination as emotion/mood-based instead of focusing on productivity (links here and here). save your fucking tips and tricks, I’m looking for a sea change in how I think about procrastination.
“Telling yourself off won’t stop you procrastinating again. In fact, it’s one of the worst things you can do.” the worse you feel about yourself, the more you’ll procrastinate. I’m still trying to figure out how to be kind to myself, but as someone with very low self-esteem, I can see how I got caught in this spiral in the first place.
“If just thinking about the task makes you anxious or threatens your sense of self-worth, you will be more likely to put it off... Research has found that regions of the brain linked to threat detection and emotion regulation are different in people who chronically procrastinate compared to those who don’t procrastinate frequently.” if you never complete the task, you can never be graded/judged, thus avoiding the threat.
Forget productivity - procrastination is linked to anxiety, depression, “a greater number of health issues, such as headaches, flu and colds, and digestive issues. They also experience higher levels of stress and poor sleep quality.” we’re also more likely to use destructive coping mechanisms to manage stress, and have greater risk of poor heart health. I don’t have to care about capitalism to fix this - I want to stop procrastinating for my health, dammit.
I’ve always been far more likely to put off doing anything I’m unsure about. “...tasks can create feelings of uncertainty that are unpleasant, and that arouse feelings of self-doubt and self-criticism. Procrastination is more likely to occur when people experience unpleasant feelings that they can’t tolerate or manage.” I theorize not knowing how to self-soothe came first for me - I am fundamentally unable to deal with my own fear and self-doubt, and beginning to procrastinate grew organically from that.
try having a single positive feeling while working AKA remind yourself why this needs to be done in the first place. “...a lack of positive feelings about a task can also contribute to procrastination... Reminding yourself why your work is important and valuable to you can help re-balance the scale to increase positive feelings towards your work.”
all procrastinators know that procrastination doesn’t reduce your stress. but it may be that being stressed, and then feeling afraid, and then not understanding how to make that feeling go away, is what makes me procrastinate. I’m looking to explore this angle more and will post again if I find more/better sources.
for now, I’m going to continue to work on my thinking (“putting off this application is making me feel bad” instead of “I’m so lazy for not starting yet”), try to align my work to my values (MY values, not my learned societal output baggage), and for the love of god try to forgive myself for the procrastination that will inevitably still come.
Before Cosmicverse happened, how did The Gray Horde react to the rebels first appearing and undoing the work they've done?
Gray Matter knew that there would be those who would be against his ideals and visions for the future and predicted that Jackrow would be apart of said resistance and even lead it.
He would order his men to create their very own Emergency Alert System and broadcast it across the entire world once the rebellion began taking down important facilities, buildings, and individuals.
[DATE: 3/12/20XX, TIME: 9:30 A.M, LOCATION: Sweet Jazz City, Taiga Country.]
[The following message is not a drill, please pay attention to what is said carefully, it could save you and your family's life.]
"Gray Horde officials have reported an increased number of terrorist sightings within Taiga Country and The Boiling Isles. We are unsure on what their true goals are but from what we can gather, they leave a trail of destruction wherever they go.
Negotiation attempts have all but failed and The Gray Horde has been forced to defend itself accordingly from these terrorists.
These unknown terrorists consist of the following: Maskras, humans/Mundies, Inscribed, Wild Witches, Grunts, and currently three modified drones created by Jcjenson (2 disassembly drones and 1 worker drone).
For your safety, follow these simple instructions to detect and what to do when encountering these Terrorists.
Step 1: Observe any and all odd behavior from "visitors".
Step 2: Listen in on any suspicious conversations these interlopers may have.
Step 3: Look for the Red and Blue Maskra in their group.
Step 4: Report any and all findings to the nearest Gray Horde station available or call that specific station's phone number.
(See something, say something!)
Thank you for your time and stay safe."
page 180 - my dream job, a roller skating server at a retro diner celebrating an america that has been lost or possibly never was. I was fired because I kept asking people what it was like to be trapped inside a collective national dream.
Also, missed a bunch of shifts, dropped hot fries and cold shakes on a congressman, etc.
That right there is a nice looking cake though. DAMN I love frosting.
In my human omnitirx au, the aliens are free and are their own person, trixie would stay with the aliens, here gray matter is telling her about what he had learned more about her powers, and what she need to do, and yes, she is listening to him.
A small fact about trixie, because of her android appearnce, she would wear a lot of baggy and long clothes, but when she is in the base with the aliens, she would feel comfortable not hiding her appearance, she does however struggle with her appearance, feeling insecure about it.
‘Mushroom brain’ generated by AI
Gray Matter's Main Theme: Perception
Eye Guy: Gray Matter, you should go out more! Can't be good for you to live in total... eye-solation!
Gray Matter: ...
Gray Matter: Every day I yearn for death, but it never comes.