#gray matter

[notcapableofbeingtheguy]

Okay I have to jump on the “Walt could’ve just Not Done That”-is-a-horrible-take train. I just finished Gray Matter on my rewatch and the writers make it so deeply, heart-wrenchingly clear WHY Walt decides to cook with Jesse rather than taking Gretchen and Elliot’s money. And I think I get what people are misunderstanding about it

Yes, it’s a pride thing. But it’s not pride about who pays for his treatment— that’s not the heart of it. It’s pride about how he wants to die. Walt wants dignity. In the face of this terminal diagnosis, he is looking back on a life where he feels he hasn’t ever made any of his own choices, and he is looking forward to a future of deeply unpleasant and dehumanizing treatment that will most likely lead to him dying frail in a hospital bed (like his only memory of his own father). And on top of that, to have his treatment paid for by the people who stole his life’s work (and in his mind the life he should’ve had), and then to have his family taken care of by Hank after his death… Walt doesn’t see himself anywhere in that image of his life. He might as well not be there.

Walt wants to make his own choices. He wants to be in control of how he dies. He wants to go out with dignity. That is deeply sympathetic— to be at his lowest point, and reach for something to make him feel alive. The writers + Bryan cranston make this motivation viscerally clear. And that’s what makes the show WORK

The tragedy, what Walt gets wrong, is in the limited image he has of what a good death can look like. Of what truly living, with dignity and control over your life can look like. Staring death straight on and deciding to battle it side by side with your family and loved ones, accepting help, and showing vulnerability without shame— that could’ve been what he was looking for, if he was open to it. Instead, he goes a very different way.

BUT that doesn’t mean he’s acting sooooo crazy and stupid in a way that’s unmotivated and not compelling. His motivation is so clear to me on this rewatch. And that’s what makes it a beautiful tragedy

[never-obsolete]

Return to Castle Wolfenstein (PC, 2001)

[thanksitsatraumaresponse]

My brain is not broken, it’s 🔥spicy🔥!

[shawnmstrain]

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[retrocgads]

USA 1990

[gooeykit]

Did you know❓️ Did you fucking know❓️

[drawingandsketching]

[yojabari]

Watch "Gray Matter | Official Trailer | Max" on YouTube

[wolfy8tyu]

[rainybearstudio]

My babies as Kiki and Tombo 🐈‍⬛

rainybearstudio.com

[gotankgo]

[alpama]

gray matter... but baby.

[heidismagblog]

[worldwithoutmiracles]

Procrastination Is Poor Mood Regulation

I am a lifelong procrastinator. I now have an ADHD diagnosis, which is good to know, but the diagnosis hasn’t cured my tendency to put things off. I’ve read the articles, I’ve broken my to-do list into smaller lists, blah blah blah, but I really just want to know why am I like this

why, after 20 years of procrastinating and in possession of a better-than-average brain, can I not think my way out of the hole of procrastination? why do I make every task 10x more stressful and scary than it is?

I found some articles reframing procrastination as emotion/mood-based instead of focusing on productivity (links here and here). save your fucking tips and tricks, I’m looking for a sea change in how I think about procrastination.

“Telling yourself off won’t stop you procrastinating again. In fact, it’s one of the worst things you can do.” the worse you feel about yourself, the more you’ll procrastinate. I’m still trying to figure out how to be kind to myself, but as someone with very low self-esteem, I can see how I got caught in this spiral in the first place.

“If just thinking about the task makes you anxious or threatens your sense of self-worth, you will be more likely to put it off... Research has found that regions of the brain linked to threat detection and emotion regulation are different in people who chronically procrastinate compared to those who don’t procrastinate frequently.” if you never complete the task, you can never be graded/judged, thus avoiding the threat.

Forget productivity - procrastination is linked to anxiety, depression, “a greater number of health issues, such as headaches, flu and colds, and digestive issues. They also experience higher levels of stress and poor sleep quality.” we’re also more likely to use destructive coping mechanisms to manage stress, and have greater risk of poor heart health. I don’t have to care about capitalism to fix this - I want to stop procrastinating for my health, dammit.

I’ve always been far more likely to put off doing anything I’m unsure about. “...tasks can create feelings of uncertainty that are unpleasant, and that arouse feelings of self-doubt and self-criticism. Procrastination is more likely to occur when people experience unpleasant feelings that they can’t tolerate or manage.”  I theorize not knowing how to self-soothe came first for me - I am fundamentally unable to deal with my own fear and self-doubt, and beginning to procrastinate grew organically from that.

try having a single positive feeling while working AKA remind yourself why this needs to be done in the first place. “...a lack of positive feelings about a task can also contribute to procrastination... Reminding yourself why your work is important and valuable to you can help re-balance the scale to increase positive feelings towards your work.”

all procrastinators know that procrastination doesn’t reduce your stress. but it may be that being stressed, and then feeling afraid, and then not understanding how to make that feeling go away, is what makes me procrastinate. I’m looking to explore this angle more and will post again if I find more/better sources.

for now, I’m going to continue to work on my thinking (“putting off this application is making me feel bad” instead of “I’m so lazy for not starting yet”), try to align my work to my values (MY values, not my learned societal output baggage), and for the love of god try to forgive myself for the procrastination that will inevitably still come.

[shawnmstrain]

⬛️⬜️

[bccfggffbgv]

"Before there was time...Before there was "Anything"....There was "Nothing"....And before there was nothing...There were Monsters....."

Gray Matter, as he tells the heroes about how he had seen billions of universes and dimensions and the horrors they all had within them inside his interdimensional prison back when he was still trapped.