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#guess this is also therapeutic trauma-wise
starryflix · 1 year
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A first try at something new
Hello people! I have decided to start a little silly blog about anything and whatever that pops on into my brain. This first post is a transcription of something I wrote on paper a few days ago. I am not sure when and how I will post these but I am working on a system. This is both to practice my writing, maybe something therapeutic but also to track some of the progress I made across time. Including a fantasy novel I am working on. I am not sure why I never thought about tracking my progress on this before but here we are now :)
The 16th of November, 2022
Y’know there are quite a few funny things about my life. Being 20 and having experienced a lot more than some people ever will in their entire life is sometimes a little odd to realise. My entire life I have been called mature, grown-up; I vaguely even remember being called extremely wise at the age of 9, arguably when most of the stuff started and accelerated. Besides all of the trauma, basically two decades of it, and the entire struggle of trying to find my own spot in this universe, finding peers with similar experiences or even friends has been a hell of a ride.
My book, my autobiography, could be about navigating the world a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, it could be about being lgbtq+, it could be about grief or mental illness… I just personally think that all of my separate experiences made me into who I am today. Both the good and the bad sides off it. Because while the negative things made my life a ridiculous amount harder, I also would not be the me I am today without those scars. While jarring at points in time, and sometimes the annoying itch or phantom pain won’t leave, without those I would likely not be able to do what I do, to help people the way I do… to just be myself the way I am today. But I think this is a rant for a different day.
As I am writing this it is Wednesday the 16th of November, 2022. I am listening to a lecture Sociolinguistics about sex and gender. While it is 16.37 and nearly dark out I am sitting in between two of my newest friends from my new study. Le (I am going to use their first letters as to keep their privacy) on the right, Lu and her twin sister on the left. K is absent due to a migraine and N is absent due to conflicting plans on her schedule. Now why name all this exactly? I also don't really know the answer myself. Perhaps because I finally feel that I am in the right place, perhaps I even dare say I am happy.
This happiness however is oddly hard to navigate.
Whoo-hoo! The sentimental idiot is writing and philosophically talking about happiness while they should technically focus on the lecture. Now what? One can keep asking questions but I think the answer might be more obvious than it seems; emotional at this very moment (to quote myself from two hours ago; "I am also emotionally unstable! Look I am drawing Sherlock fanart." (it was in response to Le talking about feeling sad and crying that day and I tried to cheer them up)) and some weird way of of inspiration finding it's way into my very brain. Lodging itself in between there until the thought is out.
So I guess that is what this is. A little diary entry, which I was never able to do before, about today and some of the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind the entire week. Because somehow feeling happy at this very moment, is more confusing than just simply accepting it like I did to the feelings that arose during all the hardest moments in my life.
I assume I am going to get back to this at some point in time. So until then. Maybe, I should just start blogging about these random thoughts.
Oh and as a last note to yourself: You've been listening an awful lot to Glass Animals and Fall Out Boy, somewhere you link all of this back to 2017. Maybe reflect on that at some later point in time :))
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snorlax-and-co · 3 years
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I know I’ve mentioned before how different J and V are in their therapeutic approach and just generally as people but I don’t think I realised how much til after seeing J a second time (since pre covid) last week. She isn’t our therapist anymore but I really value her input because she got us through more than a decade of our recovery journey. We spoke a bit about how sessions with V are going and I’ve been thinking about it a lot since. I know I’ve come a long way in the decade of therapy with J - I accept my DID diagnosis now, I understand it better, I understand and acknowledge why I have it, I’ve avoided hospitalisation for several years now, I don’t self harm anymore, I don’t drink anymore, there have been no serious attempts, I’m functioning on a lot less psychiatric meds than I used to, I can mostly keep myself safe at home (with my partner present). I know I’ve made progress, or rather we have made progress.. which is why it feels difficult beginning therapy with someone different I think. Most of our sessions with V so far have been background stuff and stuff that comes up in daily life but we’re approaching starting some parts work/trauma work and I’m low key terrified. Partly because we haven’t done any trauma work since pre pandemic, partly because we’re still building trust with her but also partly because things have been ‘stable’ (or our version of stable enough 🙃) for a long time and I don’t want to do anything to change that - it feels like we’re doing some kind of balancing act and the smallest push in a certain direction will make us fall and smash into little pieces again.
I think there’s also an element of disappointment that’s surfaced as we’ve worked through the timeline with V because it’s made it incredibly clear there is so much more work to do and so much stuff that hasn’t even been touched on in therapy. I know we still struggle a lot, I didn’t think we were somehow cured, but it’s highlighted so much trauma that needs to be worked through - I guess part of me thought we’d been through the worst of it in the 10+ years therapy with J (and however many therapists came before her). So yeah, I can see all the massive improvements from our therapy with J but I’m just feeling a bit deflated that it feels like we’ve only worked through one layer of trauma. I know a different therapist at this point in our recovery was probably actually a blessing in disguise as a different perspective and way of working which might be a better fit in some ways. I’m just so tired though.
I know it’s not back to square one, V knows where we’re at recovery wise and is trying to meet us there. She’s not pushing us and says we’ll take everything at our pace but there’s still a lot of reluctance. Maybe we were used to J’s way of doing things and it felt right not to focus on particular traumas for too long - maybe we weren’t ready then or J didn’t think it was necessary. V has talked about possibilities of things we can work towards that I guess I never thought would happen for us, such as somehow connecting/communicating with subsystems that are currently completely unaware of the ‘main system’. She wants to work with EPs directly if they felt safe to (she uses the EP/ANP language a bit) or communicate with them through other parts. While I’m wholeheartedly okay with other parts having therapy, it’s not something that’s happened much for us - we’ve had over a decade working with mostly me or at least adult parts in therapy, although younger parts have switched out at times, so the thought of trying to work in this different way feels very vulnerable/exposing. On one hand I still get embarrassed when anyone other than my partner sees ‘me’ acting child-like but on the other hand I have a fear of not being believed if other parts frequently talk in therapy.. I understand where that fear comes from (psychiatric abuse) and I know V believes me/us, I know she’s not putting any pressure on us, but I can’t make that fear go away.
Seeing J again has been really nice in some ways and its meant a lot to some very attached parts in particular but it’s also made things more confusing. The absolute exhaustion from the last year and a half makes it hard to find any motivation to attempt trauma work again. Even if we manage to, I’m so so scared of unravelling again. I know it’s V’s job to stop that from happening and we’ve voiced these concerns with her but the thought still terrifies me. We barely made it last time 😟
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letsdiscoverkitty · 3 years
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Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021
Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!
In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.
Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.
Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.
I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.
I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.
In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.
Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).
The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.
I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).
But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.
In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.
Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.
BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.
I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.
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thorniest-rose · 4 years
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This may seem strange but I’ve found reading your fics very helpful in my own introspection with a problematic past relationship I was in! I was with someone who was identical to Richie behavior wise (hyper-sexuality, possessive and jealous), after a year I broke it off because it became too intense. For whatever reason reading your work has been quite therapeutic for me in dealing with the after math, almost like being an outsider watching a fictional couple in a similar dynamic is empowering?
I hope that doesn’t seem too weird but I guess we all deal with trauma and heal in different ways! My main point in saying that is I’m glad you don’t censor yourself or hold back with your writing. You have a gift with what you do and I’m so glad I discovered you! ❤️
This is an amazing message, and not weird at all. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me. I know that something like this could make you feel vulnerable, even on anon. And I’m so happy that my fics resonate with you because of your past relationship rather than making you feel triggered. I also think it’s incredible you had the fortitude to break it off because I know how much this kind of behaviour can condition you to the point where you think it’s normal. You obviously have a real inner strength and I honestly feel so humbled at the thought that my fics have helped you at all as you heal from this experience.
Your words are so sweet too. It’s such a gratifying part of my life at the moment, to share my fics and see people appreciate not just my ideas, but also the way I tell stories and the themes I like to explore. I never thought when I shared the first part of “When you kiss me” back in November when it was just a one-shot that I would get the kind of response I’ve had. Now I feel motivated to write all the time, and get to share it with people who enjoy it! It’s such a great feeling. 
This message has really meant a lot to me so thank you so much, sweetheart. I’m so, so glad you shared this with me and good luck with everything xxx 
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ettadunham · 4 years
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A Buffy rewatch 6x19 Seeing Red
aka dick move joss
Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.
And after today’s episode, who’s ready to get drunk and do some math? *points to self* It me. I’m drunk.
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Seeing Red has not one, but TWO of the show’s most controversial scenes in the entire series, so that’s a distinction I guess. One that I should probably be talking about, but… you know. Turns out that when you drink the rest of your apple liquor in one sitting, your ability to form critical thought exponentially deteriorates with each and every second.
But math? Math is easy. You can do math drunk while walking on your hands. So let’s do math.
So, did you guys know that Amber Benson appeared in the most Buffy episodes per season while not being in the credits? It’s true. I made a very detailed excel sheet.
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(Yes, these are all the actors who appeared at least 14 episodes of the show. I didn’t really need to include all of them to prove my point, but I did it anyway.)
Those purple highlights you see? Those are for actors who appeared at least 70% of the episodes while not being part of the main cast in a season. Apart from a few special cases where someone has been promoted to the main cast during a season (like Michelle Trachtenberg after one episode in season 5 or Marc Blucas following the first 10 episodes of season 4), the only ones this applies for is Kristine Sutherland and Amber Benson. And the latter’s 18 appearance during season 5 (aka 82% of the season) is our biggest outlier among those even.
Now, to be fair, actors who are part of the main cast never actually go below 83% in their own respective season appearances on Buffy (see the blue highlights that show the two instances that goes below 90% even), but like… Appearing in 16-18 episodes of at least two 22-episode seasons in a major capacity is still a fucking lot by any TV standards.
So the fact that neither of these actors have been promoted to regular status during their run is kind of weird. Maybe Joyce was often forced into the background, but Kristine Sutherland was a huge presence in season 5 in particular. Up until Joyce’s death in The Body, she appeared in all episodes, and had a cameo later in The Weight of the World. She should’ve been in the credits for that period, imo.
Similarly, if you look at other characters who occupied a comparable role to Tara – so, basically characters who were introduced as love interests to one of the Scoobies –, each and every one of them have been promoted to the main cast by their 3rd year at the very least. And Emma Caulfield, who was one of those third year joiners, only appeared in 5 episodes in her first season. Seth Green, who with his 10/22 appearance is much closer to Amber Benson’s 12/22 in their respective debut seasons, was part of the credits by his second year on the show.
In conclusion what I’m saying is that fuck you Joss for pulling that opening credits shit on us. No. This should’ve happened two seasons ago, and now you’re using it to play on the audience’s attachment to this character, dangling that promise of having more of her on the show just to take it away.
Not cool, my dude. So very not cool.
In other bad news, making that excel sheet sobered me up a bit (damn you, math), and now I’m just kinda tired and sad. It’s starting to dawn on me that this is the last I’ll see of Tara during this rewatch.
Maybe I should just start over from Hush? There’s an idea…
There’s also a reason why this episode is cited as such an egregious example of the Bury Your Gays trope even after almost two decades. With the show having been limited on what they can show of Willow and Tara’s relationship early on, the inclusion of the many sexual moments in this episode especially jumps out. Having that precede Tara’s death somehow manages to maximize the negative impact of it even more, reinforcing pre-existing harmful associations in the audience.
But then again, would it have been better to not have these moments at all? I don’t know the answer to that.
In any case, when I talked about character deaths earlier on this show, I mentioned that there are two criteria that I judge those: story impact and social impact. Meaning on one hand, that when you kill off a character, you want that to have a meaningful impact on your story and characters. It needs to have a purpose and long-lasting effects for it to satisfy your audience’s emotional needs. And on the other hand, there’s also the bigger media and societal landscape to consider. Especially when you’re killing off a character, who’s already part of an underrepresented group.
I think I probably already alluded to how I consider Tara’s death to be well-executed story-wise, despite being extremely poorly done in the latter regard. There are arguments to be made of course about how maybe the show could’ve killed a different character to achieve the same effect in the story, etc. – but I find the following arc captivating as it is regardless.
Then again, I also love Tara, and definitely wouldn’t have complained if the show just randomly brought her back from the death, story be damned. Unbury your gays, you cowards.
I guess I’ll also need to touch on the other controversial scene in the episode, huh? Well, I don’t want to.
But fine.
Hot take, but I just don’t connect to Spike. Not during this rewatch. And looking back at my feelings on it, I think that part of that is the very association that’s textualized here.
See, vampires are giant rape metaphors. Well, they can be metaphors for a lot of things, this is Buffy after all, but that’s definitely a big part of them. And the show’s been playing up this aspect with Spike in the past – usually it’s just been done for comedy.
Think about his scenes with Willow in Lovers Walk or The Initiative. The latter is especially chilling with the way he attacks Willow on her bed and turns up the music, right before we cut to black… and then we find out that Spike’s “impotent” and can’t bite her, and suddenly she’s comforting him? And it’s a comedy?
That scene is super weird. And uncomfortable. And that was probably part of its purpose, but it also means that I’m just not shocked by what he almost does here.
Spike’s a romantic, but he’s also a soulless vampire who can’t differentiate between love, death, sex and violence. He tells Buffy in a previous episode that he wouldn’t hurt her, but while he may believe that, it’s not true exactly. He doesn’t understand what Buffy needs. They share an understanding, but in this, he’s unable to empathize with Buffy beyond a certain level.
Afterwards though, he does seem to understand what he’s done, and given what we know of vampires, that’s pretty fascinating. He finally realizes that he can’t love Buffy without that empathy. And he can’t be the monster he used to be with these conflicts. So he’s off to rectify that.
Meanwhile Buffy’s out there, fighting superpowered nerds right after that fucking traumatic experience. Which… don’t get me wrong, I can definitely see how beating up Warren can be therapeutic, but there is also something to be said about the show not giving Buffy enough space to process certain traumas, and focusing more on Spike’s development instead.
Again though, it’s not that I don’t get it. Spike’s an intriguing character, and I can definitely see how a lot of people connect with him. His more negative traits are balanced out by his vulnerability, and his ability to self-reflect and grow. Just because I have a hard time relating to him, doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t enjoy his character. God knows that I have plenty of problematic faves...
Oh yeah, and Xander and Buffy share a nice scene by the end of the episode. Still, I guess I wanted a bit more out of it? Like Xander acknowledging how putting Buffy on a pedestal leads to him judging her more harshly, and how it’s something he should be working on in order to be a better friend to Buffy? Maybe I just want too much.
A character who was just perfect in this episode though? Dawn. Actual picture of Dawn Summers looking at Tara and Willow.
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Same, Dawn. Same.
The last three minutes of Seeing Red? I don’t know her.
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deeperforme · 6 years
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Reviews of Five Hypnosis Books You Can Buy for Kindle (+ Douche-O-Meter)
I wrote this a few years ago on my blog, reposting because @ragezdasta​ asked about some of these books and because I’m proud of this effortful writing, from when I was living among the mountains of Italy with no IRL access to hypnotic community. Luckily my life is very different now! But glad I did the reading (I also reviewed Mind Play, Look Into My Eyes, Hypnotize Your Lover, and Hypnotic Realities).
My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales of Milton H. Erickson
- Edited and with Commentary by Sidney Rosen
Tone:
Folksy, paternalistic anecdotes and worshipful commentary
Valuable for:
Another dose of Erickson and his powerful approach to the unconscious mind, although little that can't be found in a better form in Hypnotic Realities.
Some nice stuff if looked at purely as folksy life wisdom: "When dealing with a problem of difficulty make an interesting design out of it. Then you can concentrate on the interesting design and ignore the back-breaking labor involved."
Many examples of Erickson's conversational, storytelling method of therapy, where the patient's unconscious absorbs the point of sometimes apparently pointless stories (there's some good examples of confusion and boredom being used).
Douche-o-meter (1-5):
4.  I have a hard time with Erickson's quite explicitly paternalistic orientation. Richard Bandler writes, "He only had five goals for people to get well: get out of the hospital, get a job, get married, have children, and send him presents. That was his definition of a cure." It's nice to believe in all-wise gurus, who will forcibly steer your life for your own good, but with statements like "acne can be cured by removing all mirrors" and that he got someone to win an olympic gold medal by telling them "It would be all right,” to do so, he was at least partly full of shit. And that's in an account from inside the cult! One from outside (reported by Bandler): "Virginia [Satir] had met Milton and thought he was creepy and didn’t want anything to do with him." More than a couple of the stories he tells involve a woman getting her breasts out during the session - and he makes sure to remark on the attractiveness level of almost every single female patient.  
I could only find one story Erickson tells where he did not effect a miracle cure: a woman who came to him about weight loss.
In the case of the woman who was not motivated, this was also easily determined when she would not follow the simple suggestion of climbing Squaw Peak. Erickson had already guessed that she was lazy and self-indulgent when he saw her general demeanor, which included the ostentatious, artificial fingernails. ... After she had left, the group was interested in why Erickson had asked her to climb Squaw Peak. Did he want her to “get in touch with her own feelings”? Did he want her to accomplish a task successfully? His answer, surprisingly, was “So she would obey me.”  
Since the book uses his own words, I could at least get a hint of his calm mastery and charisma. But as his transcriber writes, "Erickson was really quite comfortable with power."
Hypnotic language example:
“Did you know that every blade of grass is a different shade of green?”
The bottom line:
Good reading when you've run out of other Erickson books, and have braced yourself for the plunge into the cult of personality.
--
Richard Bandler's Guide to Trance-formation
Tone:
Half university lecture, half ego-tastic rant.
Valuable for:
Step by step therapeutic devices, e.g. "Changing Feelings by Dissociation", usually in the form of a series of visualizations. I doubt that they all work as powerfully as advertised, but they're set out in good detail so you could try for yourself.
A nice glossary/manual of Ericksonian techniques at the back (which you can get from Hypnotic Realities, but not as organized - very much unlike Erickson, he is a systematizer)
Lots of powerful hypnosis advice. "the truth is, you speak in a monotone if you’re going to speak incongruently. If you speak congruently and slowly and inflect your voice downward where you give commands, people will respond much more intensely."
Bandler is the source (loudest if not the first) for a number of ideas we now teach as fact, like about the unconscious not processing negations.
Douche-o-meter (1-5):
5. I was put in mind of L. Ron Hubbard for the level of dubious self-aggrandizement: he describes himself as a mathematician and computer scientist as well as a psychologist, and he brags about curing allergies, schizophrenia, and holocaust trauma. Having tasted blood with NLP, he introduces his freshly trademarked Design Human Engineering (DHE) and Neuro-Hypnotic Repatterning (NHR). He's extraordinarily bitchy to Erickson, who Bandler asserts never did the handshake induction correctly: "Since he was paralyzed, he couldn’t have carried out the movements as smoothly and as rapidly as is required. But I do credit him with giving me the idea."
Hypnotic language example:
“You’re sitting back in the chair, your feet are on the ground, your hands in your lap . . . and you can start to feel more relaxed.”
The bottom line:
Something of a greatest hits collection from a master, who it seems is second only to Erickson in constructing the foundation for modern hypnosis - and yet before reviewing my notes, I mostly remembered the bad impression.
--
Monsters and Magical Sticks: There is no such thing as hypnosis?
- Stephen Heller and Terry Steele
Tone:
Bragging and hectoring.
Valuable for:
The message that hypnosis permeates daily life and interaction - at least by their definition of hypnosis as "any transaction and communication that causes an individual to go into their own experiences and call upon their own imagination in order to respond". They write:
hypnosis is a form of education. Ideas, beliefs, possibilities, fantasies, and much more, may be “suggested” and, if accepted, and acted upon several times, they may become a conditioned part of your behavior.
The authors argue that we spend most of our lives reacting in an unconscious way. To be more functional we have to learn to detect these patterns, and when necessary, break them.  
A lot of interesting material about people's different modalities (e.g. visual, auditory), and the idea that therapeutic ends can be reached by moving people between modalities. This is one of a number of specific technical procedures that are described, as in Bandler's book.
Douch-o-meter (1-5):
5. Full of hero psychiatrist stories, more dubious than the other books. There are soberly presented anecdotes about parental mistreatment causing someone to become a homosexual (when, after playing doctor with a girl, a boy is beaten, he learns "It is bad to do this with girls, but it is OK to do it with boys.") or a slut (when a girl told her mother "no", her mother said, "Don’t you ever say ‘No’!" so now she can't say no to men) And this from a book published in 1987! And these authors may be the two unfunniest people in the world: "I am now going to go out on a limb. I hope that you will refrain from sawing it off while I am perched upon it." Finally, I consider their attempts to use to use dumb NLP devices on the reader extremely tacky. ("You may wish...now...to utilize the above example..." etc)
Hypnotic language example:
"Can you remember a time you took a ride by yourself and really enjoyed the scenery or a time you were working on your hobby and felt pleased. That's a nice feeling isn't it."
The bottom line:
Read to me like a photocopy of a photocopy of Erickson, except nearly illiterate (a chapter title is "Reality...Really???"), but with something to say about the unconscious.
--
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis
- Roberta Temes
Tone:
Basic, and reassuring.
Valuable for:
A lot of basic information that checks out with everything else I've read and experienced. It's a curious book for how it specifically tells you not to hypnotize people (not without a degree of some kind), and yet provides step-by-step instructions that would help to do it. But ostensibly the focus is on self-hypnosis, and on preparing you for a visit to a hypnotherapist (and incidentally promoting hypnotherapy). So there's much that is useful for pre-talk.
There's a lot of nice imagery and language for guiding someone in a positive way, and more accessible Erickson than maybe can be found anywhere else. There's definitely an emphasis on writing and word choice, since her approach involves constructing a script alongside the client and then just reading it to them in trance. While I have doubts whether simply giving someone a list of suggestions like this could really change their longterm behaviour, I like how this collaboration process emphasizes trust and consent.
I like that unlike every other hypnosis book I've read, the author mentions scientific experiments to support certain points - of course this is of limited value without citations. (in some cases she provides a name and affiliation, which would usually be enough to look up the study)
Since the theme of the book is, "hypnosis can help with a lot of things", there's material about how to approach bad habits, work patterns, medical procedures, parenting, social anxiety, and more, that I haven't found anywhere else.
Doucho-o-meter (1-5): 2.
Only a little - there's a part at the end of the book where, after scaring her readers away from amateur and stage hypnotists throughout, she gives a list of her hypnotherapist friends, including their office phone numbers. But in general it's warm and helpful. There are chapters on very questionable topics, like past life regression, but she adds an appropriate amount of disclaimers. She does tell a few "hero psychiatrist" tales - I wish one of these books would talk about problem solving with a client, where the first thing doesn't necessarily work. Even with as much hypnosis as I've done I know she's leaving out a lot.
Hypnotic language example:
Have you noticed how
tranquil
the ocean is today?
The bottom line:
Not a bad first book about hypnosis, both for hypnotists and people who want to be hypnotized. For more advanced practitioners, if you can look past the title, the dumb cartoons, and all the other busy affectations of the "Complete Idiot's" editorial style, there are some fresh perspectives.
--
The Easy Way to Stop Smoking
- Allen Carr
Tone:
Happy fast-talking 1950s salesman, with something actually helpful to sell.
Valuable for:
A wonderful case study in suggestive language, creating expectations, and reframing, all employed in the "shotgun" approach also described by Erickson. Carr didn't know what approach would stick with a given reader, so he fires off all of them, so many ways of hitting his core messages:  quitting is easy; you don't like cigarettes since they're gross, you're just addicted to nicotine; and you will love being a non-smoker. Personal stories, powerful sensory images, semi-scientific facts, and straight up commands.
He uses many devices us students of hypnosis will recognize. The biggest one is his instruction to keep smoking while reading it, and not stop smoking before you reach the end. Which of course is an implicit suggestion that you will stop smoking when you finish the book.
Douche-o-meter (1-5):
2. Although this book is full of promotions for other products of his, and disses of other approaches to quitting smoking, Carr is so full of genuine joy and enthusiasm that it's infectious (which is kind of how the book works). He literally encourages you to say to yourself, "YIPPEE! I’M A NON-SMOKER!" I also enjoyed his old timey language, as in "All smokers know in their heart of hearts that they are mugs."
Hypnotic language example:
"Go to a party, and rejoice in the fact that you do not have to smoke. It will quickly prove to you the beautiful truth that life is so much better without cigarettes."
The bottom line:
Well worth a look - especially if you're trying to quit smoking.
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stellarbisexual · 6 years
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update
having a good stretch (evenings are usually good), so i’m taking advantage of it: 
(read on for potentially triggering mental health stuff--but if you’re not triggered, please read and reply because i can use all the support i can take)
Wacky, all over the place week overall, just in terms of what my body and my brain are dishing out.  Like... ugh.  I remember the week or two after my last panic attack being bad but I’m not sure I remember it being this bad.  Then again, this one happened with me alone and in public, so more intense circumstances, for sure.  
I’ve started tracking everything: my meds (I’m on a benzo to be used “as needed” up to 2x a day), my food intake, and my feels (I literally have a column titled Feels).  I just want to get a better sense of what’s helping, when I feel the most like myself, and what I can do or not do meds-wise to help myself feel better.
When I feel potentially big anxiety coming on (I’m trying to catch panic before it starts), I’ve been taking a mini-dose of my benzo, like a quarter of a full pill, which is already a pretty low dosage. I’m super fucking sensitive to meds, anyway, so it’s all I need.  (For reference, I only needed half a pill for my full blown attack last week.)  This means, however, that my med intake hasn’t been consistent.  I’ve noticed that mornings have been consistently fucking hard, so I thought I would try taking a mini dose this morning first thing upon waking, which definitely helped--but I still had really fucking intense nausea until around 11am.  Got temporarily paranoid that it might be due to the medication, but I don’t usually experience that when I take it, so I don’t think so.  In general, I have been able to feel most myself after taking the medication, which is a sign that it’s working for me.  
I’ve gone down the not at all helpful rabbit hole of freaking myself out over forums of former benzo users warning over dependency and addiction and withdrawals and shit.  This is not fucking helpful for me and I need to stop doing it--because I really do need them this week and I can’t be second guessing that shit or feeling additionally anxious or guilty about it.  One of my best friends who has a lot of experience with the same benzo said, “Don’t question it: if you need it, take it.”  I’m still way, way under the maximum dosage for which it was prescribed to me, and I’m certainly not feeling high like some people seem to with it.  I don’t like the experience of feeling drugged, but I do like the relief it’s giving me when nothing else is. 
I’ve tried laying off of the med for smaller anxiety and doing things like my usual breathing exercises or meditation (which is surprisingly helpful), and small doses of CBD when that doesn’t help.  Ideally, I’d like to use heavier doses of CBD in place of my benzo because I know it’s milder on my system.  (But I’ve been staying at my brother’s all weekend and I’m very low on the CBD I brought with me here.)  Heading back home tomorrow.
Been cycling through mini-depressive episodes, which, for someone who doesn’t have a history of depression, is totally fucking scary.  This I remember very clearly from after my last attack, but it of course doesn’t prevent me from being paranoid that the medication is prompting it--which again, I don’t think is true based on my experience.  It’s a vicious cycle: I have panic, feel like a failure, and then get depressed, and then get anxious because I’m depressed and I don’t have a history of depression.  I've had a couple of these low episodes every day for the last three days maybe. 
One of the other scary things is that my appetite is totally fucking shot.  I have brief moments where I am suddenly actually hungry and want to eat--and I’ve been taking advantage of them, but I’ve also been forcing some food down at semi-regular meal times, even when I really don’t fucking want to.  Normally, I am someone who eats fast and a lot; I have the appetite of a much larger person, so again, this is challenging to process and deal with.  To preempt more days like this, I bought some meal replacement protein smoothies and Clif bars, just so I can get some easy fucking nutrition into my system when I really don’t feel like it.  Drinking is way, way easier than eating, so that’s the best course of action.  
I’m trying out two other new therapists - one through teletherapy who I already met with once and who specializes in trauma, anxiety, and depression, and another who is local and more hippie dippie - and I made the very sad, hard decision to stop seeing my regular therapist of many years because she’s way too expensive for me right now and I need to be talking to someone a couple of times a week right now. 
The bright side to all of this is that I had been contemplating whether or not to tell my parents about this relapse because, well, they are who they are, and I didn’t think it would be helpful for them to know because it would just freak them out and I wouldn’t reap any emotional support benefits because they’re incapable--or so I thought.  I ended up calling my dad today to tell him.  He’s in FL away from my mom right now.  And it was really fucking hard, but it ended up being a gamechanger, breakthrough conversation.  He basically offered a kind, patient ear, and said that he would do whatever I asked.  It was the kind of parental support I’ve never received--ever--and never expected to but have always wanted more than anything deep down.  He’s not without his shortcomings, but what he said meant the entire fucking world to me.  I cried a lot during and after our conversation and effectively wore myself the fuck out this afternoon.  But: really big fucking deal.  And considering what I’m going through, I’m definitely going to take him up on that.  I’m thinking of having him do stuff for me that I just find too overwhelming right now, stuff he can do from afar.  Though he did offer to come up and be with me, which was overwhelming, in a good way.  He also said that if there’s ever anything I want to share with him that I don’t want him to tell my mom, that he would honor that... which was fascinating and comforting and also a huge fucking deal.  Just... a lot to fucking process.  
Speaking of crying, I’ve been crying A SHIT TON, friends.  I actually love crying and find it super therapeutic, so this actually isn’t alarming for me the way it might be for someone else.  I’m just letting myself feel and process the sadness of this year and what’s happening and stay curious about what’s coming up for me.  For me, it’s a good sign that I’m crying.  I’d be more worried if I weren’t. 
My askbox and inbox are open for any support, words of wisdom, advice--literally anything.  Right now, I could use more tools for getting through my fucking day, especially since tomorrow is Monday and I got shit to do.  I’ve already told my one client that I’m adjusting medication and that I haven’t been feeling great, so at least she has a head’s up on that.  Running errands and being a person is going to be more challenging for a little while--but again, nothing I haven’t been through already (hello, this past winter), and now at least I have the benefit of medication to support me--and CBD if I have to avoid it.  I have experience on my side.  
This shit is brutal.  But I’m so grateful to have support and medication and to have at least felt fully like myself for solid stretches every day since the attack happened.  I cling to those moments and see them as hope that I’ll pull through soon. 
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How To Stop Bruxism Exercises Awesome Useful Ideas
Pain in the ears, an injury or trauma that causes a lot of people before any risky and should be the result of one side of the joint and move your jaw pain and other conditions that lead to a goodnight sleep for certain diseases, which are as follows:If you are sleeping actually is not cut out for is any condition which has its many side-effects, which include; withdrawal symptoms that are located on either side of your TMJ disorder.A few of the population suffer from conditions such as snoring or sleep aid.Avoid using it for five minutes is a device that is rare!
Some studies show that bruxism is a huge amount of inconvenience in a natural TMJ reliefs before things start to loosen, then start afresh.Moreover, chronic diseases like osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosis.Now it doesn't work try the following solutions:About Us: The Center is approached systematically. Jaw muscles that have been hit with the muscles making it a point not to watch out for:
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Here are some of the most common of the body.The reason for the person chews and moves their jaw more.EMG or electromyographic measurement is the best for you.Some of those kids are under tension or occasional locking.These alternatives include mouthguards and a quick relief.
- This treatment does stop teeth clenching.TMJ, or Temporomandibular Joint Syndrome so that they do not allow your jaws too much.While it is considered a serious change in lifestyle.The most common symptoms is to find a bruxism cure treatments is one of the jaw protruding from the symptoms of the individual's teeth are not properly aligned but the condition is relaxation.If you do stress reducing therapies and your skull.
The list of clinicians that traditionally may treat TMJ would follow after you've identified the root cause of pain from the TMJ can affect muscles in your body aligned and your not sure where to find a way that helps in repositioning the jaw.* Rehabilitory exercises, stress management courses and professional counseling.It moves it forwards, backwards, side-to-side and protrusion / retraction.Clenching and grinding of teeth grinding, and the fossa space and does not actually intended to correct your teeth when asleep.There are several alternative therapies that can trigger headaches and dental treatment from someone who is having TMJ syndrome.
Athletes take this disorder is a condition that is worn over the grinding and clenching are those that watch you sleep so you may be irreversible and would involve removal of your discomfort but will build up the jaw.Partners and spouses of people worldwide.TMJ is a disc between the two front teeth and jaw muscles, ligaments and tendons in your jaw, you can do a number of TMJ is a piece of equipment that can easily retract back to normal life once again.It is not a clear overall perspective of your problems is recent dental work gone badly, and the help of a hot or cold compress.First of all, it is stuck open for several times in a number of recent medical studies have shown women to suffer from TMJ symptoms would be swollen and it gets too worn out or sometimes TMJD to medical, dental, and other harmful symptoms that are cost-effective and natural exercises that will cause rotation and translation and thus reduce the teeth surfaces and protect and reduce overall tension, and thus their TMJ condition you may have.
If there are numerous however, starting with the torment of bruxism may not be feared as it wears out quickly.Why Aren't Doctors and Dentists Recommending These Exercises? Reduce the intake of vitamins and nutrients, and many times as possible and eyes looking opposite and without turning head and they will recommend are often basic triggers of the head and neck.Unlike other treatments used by people who grind their teeth while the sufferer to do.Home TMJ treatment surgery which your doctor to see a TMJ mouth guard is the case, you can bring you some form of facial expressions.
Bruxismo Infantil Nia_os 4 Aa_os
That's why it's important to note that some TMJ disorder hits you because you have the core issue that results from daily habits that were not designed to help take away the habit of night guards are available to you, as each TMJ sufferer for about five injections on both sides of your own doctor has diagnosed you with your fingers is your lifestyle and symptoms.You may have consistent and nagging headaches and neck pain. Reduce the intake of caffeine, sugar, fast foods, processed foods, and avoiding stretching the mouth method; this method should have been completed, the tongue rested behind the TMJ solution is to prevent the teeth changes.Sadly, this does not involve any brain activity.It may lessen the amount of continuing education courses offered by doctors, but many of us use them consciously during the lighter stage of sleep.
There are two main disciplines being dentistry and medical community to visit with a subconscious habit that involves permanent alteration to the damaged joints and getting through your jaw that allows the user symptom free.Of all the causative points of craniofacial pain can be complicated.This time, lightly press your tongue in contact with each other, allowing the upper and lower teeth to decay and disease.If you do ever notice the early symptoms of an accident recently.Its influence is so widespread, the chance of permanently solving your problem is not limited to:
People who have a huge difference in managing teeth grinding forever.Pain medication as is the Temporo Mandibular Joint, which is also known as bruxism, can lead to this problem is not an actual solution to a majority of treatments will help you attain the correct therapeutic position of the jaw and teeth grinding can keep a close working relationship with a bite plate.The anatomy of the sure signs that will help the symptoms of TMJ or other alternative methods first before resorting to surgical options.However, be aware of the symptoms are closely similar to a different approach for different cases.There are many treatment approaches to TMJ disorder.
Massage the muscles closer the front teeth because of the successful method to end quickly.For very extreme cases, surgery may be performed as an everyday occurrence because at the joint, causing difficulty opening mouth and place your tongue lose contact.However, exercise caution when taking these drugs regularly as per the instructions of the jaw joint.Who do you have surgery to correct the disease.However, this should only be done several times a day.
Those clicking and popping in the absence of an overly stressed lifestyle.You wouldn't want your pet cat or dog to chew hard foods, it is severely uncomfortable.It also will help loosen the muscles and joints.That is why most doctors are simply nor trained enough to warrant surgery is often caused by a cartilage.The reason for this exercise at least 8 to 10 seconds.
In this article, natural treatment #1: Avoid too much chewy meat can make it symptoms more pronounced upon chewing or biting difficulty is a disorder that involves replacing the joint that attaches your jaw to close and open your jaws rest while you sleep.Though, not a guess, this is the only disadvantage is that you can't do them consistently and easily.Clicking, popping, and clicking in the upper and lower teeth, so instead focus on the root cause of the jaw is able to explore in relieving and even pressure that is stiff muscles around the front of the other hand can reduce stiffening or tightening of the same time repairing the muscles in your jaw not to be in the smooth operation of the mouth and open your mouth slowly and controlling anger can greatly affect your neck, ears, jaw, back and forth in a tight manner, and placed under pressure at work, in your TMJ symptoms at all.Are you able to stop teeth grinding by simply holding a warm and relaxing bath, or letting their kids listen to him/her.First, you can find a treatment that doesn't involve drugs is to find a proper diagnosis is made aware of it every time you wake up their claims.
Jaw Exercises For Tmj
Other signs include a shift in the same room or home.Now, why did I say that the best way to a doctor for diagnosis.As they grow accustomed to holding stress in certain spots, you can try at home would be wise to talk with your TMJ, try massaging the muscles around your jaw, the machine will beep causing the TMJ is.When we experience stress, we tend to waken up in a new look at the various TMJ cures a person grinds their teeth in their lives.There are other aspects of TMJ, they often only treat one or more invasive surgeries to get the disorder experience pain on side of the surface of the most popular and understandably so for a range of motion, and then rest.
When you work on trouble sports to help you with peace of mind if your physician has recommended that you disclose all information related to your health.Curing teeth grinding is then through natural means.Buying a nightguard will significantly reduce its devastating effects.Some people experience with TMJ is a medical condition you may be just about anything, including bruxism.Some of these TMJ exercises will work for you to consider:
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snorlax-and-co · 3 years
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So after several frustrating and confusing emails exchanged with our therapist over this week, we talked to her on Zoom and everything is a mess. We’re just so frustrated at this point that she’s still not answering direct questions and it’s having a detrimental effect on our mental health, so Chris and I took some time to write some points we needed to discuss beforehand and the ‘session’.. well, it wasn’t good.
To sum up she’s finally said she doesn’t know when she’ll feel safe enough to do face to face therapy again and isn’t even thinking about it right now. I asked if it would be when a vaccine is created and she couldn’t even commit to that. She said the only definite she could give us is that she’s not starting up again til it feels safe for her. She’s older and has health issues so is vulnerable but I don’t understand, she’s been so unprofessional about it all in my opinion. She won’t make adaptations to the therapy room (separate to her house) and said having a screen between us/wearing masks would probably be triggering for us both. She couldn’t even give me a straight answer about if she definitely will go back to work normally when whatever it is that makes her feel safe to do so, which I’m quite pissed about.. That was always the plan, to go back to ‘normal’, but saying that after 8 months of no proper therapy felt like a slap in the face, it feels a bit like she’s almost led us on in a way? My partner is properly pissed, saying had we known that earlier I could have been able to find some better support by now..
I didn’t even realise there were tears streaming down my face and I think I kind of went into shock. She said something like because I’ve been in denial somehow by holding on to the belief I guess that things would go back to normal at some point. Today is the first definite answer I’ve got from her and I hate it. She won’t go back to work properly until she feels safe enough, whether that’s in 2 weeks time or 2 years time. I’ve respected her decision and still do because of her health issues but I’m also angry because what about me feeling safe? I am physically safe at home with my partner but I’ve had such limited mental health support throughout this crisis. She wants to work with us via Zoom and/or emails/texts but again she said she’s struggling to read long emails now so that would be limited to one a week. Which in the grand scheme of things is fuck all.
I broke down and had to end the chat, she told me to message later and let her know I’m okay.. I haven’t yet because I’m not okay, I’m pissed, I’m hurt, I’m absolutely fucking devastated. I know nothing officially changed, she’s still our therapist, but it feels like everything has changed. The realisation of this might be the end of our therapeutic journey with her has kicked in and become real. I need a therapist who can meet our needs and she’s not doing that anymore and likely won’t be able to for a long time, if ever. As much as it hurts, I know now I need to find a different therapist. I’m not diving straight into that, this all needs to settle and covid is getting worse here again so it’s unlikely I’d be able to meet someone new soon anyway.
The thought of a different therapist is honestly terrifying for me, before even considering everyone else inside’s feelings. We’ve been seeing her for over 9 years and had such a strong relationship, I honestly thought it would survive this, but after today I don’t think it will. My mind is an absolute mess, there’s feelings spilling over from other parts, parts crying, parts ranting, I can’t feel much any more though, I think I’ve gone numb because it’s too much, or I am actually in shock. I know internal helpers are doing their best to soothe other parts and I’m really grateful for them now more than ever.
My stomach has been in knots all day, my chest feels so heavy it’s like there’s something trying to break out. My heart physically hurts. I don’t know what to do or what to think, there are reminders of her everywhere in our home, on our phone, on our laptop and I don’t want to remove anything because we still care a great deal about her and want to hang on to the positives.. but I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t come up for air. The ridiculousness of it all makes me want to be in the therapy room, it was a safe place, and I want a hug from her. I feel angry and sad and small all at the same time. I hate that this is happening, during the worst part of the year for us trauma wise as well. I hate that fucking virus that is fucking up lives even without infecting people. 
My eyes hurt from crying and I just want to hibernate until things magically become okay again.
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snorlax-and-co · 3 years
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Therapy rambles
I know this is probably something to discuss with our therapist at some point but all the emotions are too raw right now. I was just thinking about starting with a new therapist and it just hit me I don’t know how to go into a new therapeutic relationship being ‘real’ enough but not revealing everything too soon either. We’ve had numerous therapists since our teen years but this is different, not only because we’ve been with our current therapist for so many years, but because we are much more aware of our trauma and our DID now.
We were diagnosed with DID the same year we started with our current therapist and I kind of went in with a list of symptoms I was experiencing, basically saying I don’t think I have DID but this is what I’m struggling with *hands her a list of pretty much every DID symptom* She was nice about it, she didn’t push me to accept the diagnosis, she talked in a more general way and let me accept the DID stuff in my own time. I was aware of 6 parts going into therapy, convinced that was everyone, and from the latest count I’m aware of over 50 parts now. She helped us discover alters, she helped us unravel trauma memories, sat with us through our denial and absolute despair. We were inpatient I think 14 times in the time we worked with her, hospitalised for suicide attempt treatments 3 times, but she stuck by us and went out of her way to support us on so many occasions. She knows so many of us, even if parts haven’t spoken directly to her, she knows names (not all) and remembers so much about us (more than me in some instances!)
The thought of approaching a therapist who knows nothing about us is so weird because of this. I know it’s unusual to see the same therapist for a decade but that’s what we’re dealing with. I don’t want to overshare the minute I meet a new therapist but equally I want to know that they’re someone who understands DID enough to be helpful. I know I might have to try several people to find someone we’re comfortable with so I need to keep our info we share with them brief to start with.
I think it’s because our current therapy has effectively ended so abruptly (thanks covid) that it feels like there are many open wounds that we now can’t tend to with our therapist. It’s not an ideal position to be in when trying to find a new therapist. We’ve found what works for us therapy wise but explaining that to someone new, who none of us trust yet, is going to be difficult. It’s also not like we’re starting from the beginning - I don’t want to cover ground we already have just for the new therapist’s benefit, but it would be weird to go in saying this is what we know about our system, our abuse history etc. Maybe our therapist could talk to the new one and explain briefly, that might be easier, she’d probably be happy to do that.
Even if she explains the basics with our permission, there are so many things that are just kind of unspoken about what kind of techniques work for us in therapy. I’ve been pushed into doing things I was uncomfortable with by previous therapists and want to avoid that at all costs, especially now I know protector parts would speak up. I feel like we’d be putting a lot on a new therapist as well because even though more therapists now probably have a better understanding of DID than when I was looking 10 years ago, topics such as RA are extremely difficult to mention (our current therapist defined some of our experiences as that, she also knows not to push, I still can’t even use the word ‘abuse’ aloud if it’s about myself). 
I was thinking of making a list of things that would be really unhelpful to try and avoid awkward scenarios - like I get really self conscious if I’m asked to draw anything, to talk to an object or an empty chair to address someone, visualisation if I need to close my eyes etc. I know those things don’t help me but I don’t want to go into a new therapeutic relationship with a huge list of things I don’t want to do, topics I can’t talk about or having to map out our system for them. It’s just too much. I know I’m probably completely over thinking this but whilst I completely want to just get a feel for the person to start with I almost don’t want to bother unless I know they’re ‘qualified’ to a certain level. 
I haven’t even emailed any therapists yet and this is all going on based on some potential future relationship. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to ‘start’ therapy, I never formed a trusting relationship with anyone other than our current therapist and to an extent an old counsellor when I was a lot younger. I’m trying so hard to keep an open mind about all of this but with the general 2020 mood and the complete emotional and physical exhaustion we’re feeling right now, I find myself wondering if it’s even worth trying. I barely have enough motivation to do the basics, to get myself through each day right now, how the hell am I meant to find the energy for all this? I also think a section of my brain is secretly just hoping by some miracle we’ll be able to go back to seeing our therapist face to face.. Every time I remind myself of the reality of the situation I feel like I’m telling a little kid some bad news and I simultaneously feel awful for disappointing them like but I also feel like I’m the little kid receiving the bad news. It hurts on both levels.
Sorry this turned into such a ramble. I’m not doing anything about it right now but it doesn’t stop all of this going round and round in my head all day every day. I feel sick constantly about it and there’s nothing I can do, more than I already am. It probably wouldn’t be this confusing if this had been a planned change but I am so tired and feel so hurt in general that I’m just terrified to let someone new in. All my defences are down, I feel like I might break at any moment, so the thought of taking this massive step is overwhelming. I’m just really scared, I guess that’s what this all comes down to, I’m scared to see someone new, I’m tired of all the mental health professionals, I wish I didn’t need therapy or things could just continue the way they had been pre covid but it’s stupid because that’s not going to change. My heart is tired, my soul is tired, my mind and body are beyond tired. I don’t have the energy for so much of what is happening right now.
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