#guiding me through the aftermath of trauma

[ashcreepcluster]

I just wanna harp on about my hc’s for Ast*rion fora minute teehee (censoring the name bc I do not want to be associated w fans of the character this post is for me and my five followers ONLY)

So she was born to an upper class family (duh) to a highly masculine home (masculine for an elves at any rate) She was kind of the pale faced middle child, constantly shown up by two overachieving brothers whom she was always compared against- her father would needle her over this all the time, telling her what she was doing wasn’t good enough, that she was a disappointment etc. However her mother adored and doted on her- Ast*rion always got the sense that her mother wasn’t liked or respected in the household and as such, her mother kind of took it upon herself to groom Ast*rion into being proof that the both of them were capable of something. So she tried to get Ast*rion into law school, which she failed because her entire childhood was either being spoiled rotten by her mother or being berated to by her father, to which her typical reaction would be to simply dig her heels in (like trying to get a husky to go in a direction the dog doesn’t want to. They just plant their feet and won’t move) so her mother paid for her entry into law school instead. All throughout her studies, Ast*rion spent her parents money to go to high class, overpriced wine bars in the upper city to complain about her family to whomever would listen. I think she would’ve had one or two boyfriends but she was so self absorbed that they barely registered to her, other than things to complain at. The relationships never lasted long. Her mother absolutely paid for her to pass the bar (I don’t think Ast*rion’s stupid, I do think she’s lazy and selfish and wouldn’t’ve tried at all)

As for transitioning, I think because she’s from such a high control masculine environment where she’s never had a choice for herself before, where being a woman is silently looked down upon, I think she would have the desire to transition but would have no idea what to do with it- too afraid to make this huge change in her life but at the same time, it’s too much of an essential thing to deny. So I think it would have been this hidden thing that would’ve come out one day and she would have pursued transition but it would take a very long time. It’s only once she’s out from under C*zador’s control that she’ll finally allow such a precious part her to be acknowledged once again. I think for a very long time, it was her one last hold-out, a bastion or something to be cherished that was hidden, hers and this one last mote of hope that one day she could have a future that was all hers.

[skzdarlings]

bodyguard: the first guard | part five | chan/reader

masterlist.

(part one of the previous story.)

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | tba

( read on AO3 )

A sequel to the Bodyguard. Miroh’s daughter is assigned a bodyguard of her own. The past is confronted when old friendships and new enemies are pushed to the brink.

pairing: bang chan/reader content info: sequel to the bodyguard (felix/reader). this is a new reader perspective. this chapter contains explicit sexual content. this chapter also has a content warning for descriptions of torture and dehumanization, plus the aftermath of trauma, themes of identity loss and healing. the previously established story dynamics are prevalent. chapter word count: 10,200 words.

enjoy <3

-

B E FO R E

Felix returns to the base and he is scrutinized, as expected.  They all want to know why he was taken, what the enemy wanted, how he escaped.   Felix has never played so many sides all while obfuscating his real objective.  Alone, he guides himself through the venomous viper’s pit that is this war: Miroh and his enemy, Miroh and the world. 

Where it concerns the enemy, Miroh will always intervene.  He sees the enemy as the antithesis to the house of Miroh.   A rich, spoiled fool, holed up in his golden cave, oblivious to what he has and the work it takes to acquire it.  Miroh is jealous. Miroh is hateful. 

Those are emotions that Felix can manipulate.  He learned it from the best. 

“It was an ambush,” Felix tells him.  “They knew I was going to be there.  They were waiting for me.”  He uses his reputation, formed by Miroh, against Miroh.   

Felix would never lose a fight.  Felix would never fail a mission.  Felix would never surrender.    Felix is a reflection of Miroh so he presents the most flattering image. 

“What information did they want?”  Miroh asks. 

Felix can see the gears spinning in his head.  What could the enemy be seeking so determinedly to lay a trap for Miroh’s asset?  Oh, Miroh has a suspicion.  Felix can see it, because he knows exactly what it is.   

“They asked about Project Twenty-Three,” Felix says.  “I told them I had never heard of it.  Even if I had, I wouldn’t tell them anything.” 

Project Twenty-Three.  Chris has vented about it to Felix.  It is a cyber mission, striking against the enemy’s tightly guarded servers.  It intends to blackout the grid and lay virtual traps while they re-calibrate, compromising not only the enemy but everyone else on that grid: civilians, their homes, their hospitals, their shelters. 

It is a significant job for its scope and because it is the first time a mission will be helmed by Miroh’s daughter. 

Miroh’s daughter, Chris says, intends to sabotage the operation. 

It is Felix’s worst fears coming true.  Miroh’s daughter rebelling against Miroh is doomed to be a catastrophe.  She will inevitably go down and when that blaze tears through the sky, Chris will crash and burn in a similar inferno.  He is too blinded by proximity, too idealistic to see how it is impossible to truly destroy a man like Miroh. 

No one but classified personnel are supposed to know about Project Twenty-Three.  Miroh’s daughter let it slip to Chan, who let it slip to Felix.   As far as Miroh is concerned, Felix should not know about it.  As far as Miroh is concerned, Felix is telling the truth. 

As far as Miroh is concerned, someone is leaking highly sensitive data to the enemy. 

“I’m smarter than that, though,” Felix says.  He appeals to all that haughty vanity and says, “I was trained by the best.  Of course I got away.”

“Of course,” Miroh says.  Where before, he was wary, his guard comes down. 

Felix can sneak in.  Felix can lay his attack. 

“What else did they say?” Miroh asks. 

“I overheard them,” Felix says.  “They’re going to try and kill you.  And it’s going to happen inside your house.” 

The trap is laid.

-

P R E S E N T   D A Y

Miroh only put one soldier through a reconfiguration program.  And it wasn’t me.  It was you.   

Chan looks at you as if you shot him even though he was the one who fired at you.  

The words land with more violence than a bullet. 

It can’t be true.  That is your first reaction: denial. He is lying or he is confused or something, something, something. Anything but whatever he just said. 

He tries to step towards you.  You look at him and think of the First Guard: him in that corridor, a hand around your neck.  He fought just enough to make it real, the way you and Changbin sometimes fight, but it never went too far, did it?  You think back to that first fight in the ring.  You commended yourself for lasting so long, but that should have been a hint.  You would not have lasted a round with the First Guard on a good day, never mind after fighting several others.   He never came at you with the full brunt of his fatal capacity like you would expect, like you should have considered at the time. 

His eyes in the van, the tilt of his head.  

Trusting as your car stopped an inch from his body. 

His hands out like you were a wild, unpredictable animal, a weapon, something lethal he had to contain.   It’s me, he said.  It’s just me.  As if you knew who that was.

He does the same thing now.  You wrench away from him.   

“No,” you say.

He says your name but it doesn’t sound like a name; it sounds like begging, it sounds like please, it sounds like desperation, painfully barbed on his tongue.  You half expect him to start bleeding from the mouth. 

“No,” you say again.  You jerk away even though he has stopped reaching for you.  You feel a phantom hand on your chest and on your head, a cold fire in your veins. 

You slam shoulders as you dart past.  He says your name again, this time like an alarm, only barely short of a scream as he chases after you.  You get as far as the door before he catches you, his hand wrapped around your bicep and your name a weapon on his lips.

“Stop it,” you say.  It isn’t loud but it is brutal all the same. 

He lets go as if you electrocuted him. 

You look at him.  He stares back, all that begging in his dark eyes. 

“You can’t – you can’t leave,” he says.  His panic bubbles into frustration and he says, “You just told me off for doing that, didn’t you?”

You think of him on that rooftop, not even blinking at Miroh’s dead body, like he couldn’t care less, his eyes rivetted to you alone.   

“Do you trust me?” you ask. 

You think he would rather get hit.  A moment of pain, a scar to join the others. Instead, he has to endure the intensity of your eyes, suffer whatever fucked up expression is haunting your body, and then he has to let you go. 

You do not look at his face when leaving.  You don’t want to see this side of him.  There are already too many versions of him in your head, just as there are too many versions of yourself. 

The denial does not last long.  You walk through the brisk night, destination nowhere.  The sky feels too big.

It’s preposterous, isn’t it?  You are in your body right this moment, looking at the world with your own eyes.  How can anything be wrong inside?   But even while attempting to convince yourself otherwise, you know the truth.  It has been long unfurling in the back of your mind.   You have not felt like yourself for days, maybe weeks, maybe the entire three months since this downfall began. 

You don’t even remember what it means to feel like yourself. 

All the nightmares, the visions, the flashes of dreams that feel more like memories – maybe memories is exactly what they are.  So suppressed it feels like watching a movie rather than your own life, but your story regardless.   Sifting through those fragments feels like searching through rubble in a collapse. How are you ever expected to find a person under that much annihilation? 

When it happens, Changbin said, what feels like a lifetime ago.  When it’s just you and you’re trying to decide who you want to be, not who your father wants you to be…  When you’re trying to remember everything and you can’t decide what was real and what was just training and what was Miroh…”

A sob rips out of you.  You have cried more in days than you have in years.  You cover your face and fall into the dark of your closed eyes.  You see your friend, not a fragment or broken memory, but a whole person.  The scar on your palm twinges, reminding you that you are real and here. 

Remember me, he said. 

That was the very first thing you did.   You saw him on that rooftop and you remembered something.  Him, younger, bleeding, emerging from a fog of smoke.  He lifted a weight off your chest.  He made you a promise. 

You try to chase the memory of that dream, try to hold the image of him in your mind, but it moves like water through a sieve.  It’s like he’s standing right there, just in the corner of your eye if you could only turn your head to look.  But you are trapped in place.  Pinned down, a weight on your chest. 

You lose track of time under the stars.  You are too numb to feel the cold.  Only when the sky purples with the very earliest streak of dawn do you move.  You look at your feet as you walk and it feels like someone else is moving you.  You know it’s just exhaustion, a trick of the weary eye, but a shudder moves through you.   

You don’t want to think about it.  Whenever your mind starts to go there – to that room, to that hole, to the cell – it backs away screaming.  It is probably why you can’t hold any picture for longer than a second. 

A small part of you still rebels, insisting it isn’t true because it’s can’t be true, but you know intrinsically that it is. 

This confirmation solidifies when you get back to the room and find Chan still awake, sitting in a chair with his head in his hands. 

He lifts his head.   You can’t hold his gaze for long, swallowed up by the dark depth that sees something in you, far beyond the surface, buried so deep you can’t find it. 

You turn away.   You climb into bed. 

It isn’t an escape.  You know that, even as you close your eyes and shut out the world.   It’s all waiting for you there, your subconscious caught in a perpetually crashing tidal wave.  

You fall asleep, ready to face the nightmares. 

-

It feels like swimming against an acidic current.  You push through but it bears down; you struggle but it burns your skin, sloughs down to the clean marrow.  Pieces of you are lost to the tide.  You try to catch each flaking sliver of personhood but then your arms are full and you can no longer swim.

You are going to drown. 

“Let go,” says a voice, colder than the water.  “This will all stop.  Just let go.” 

Just let go.  Just let your skin unravel.  Just let the tide take it away.  You will never get it back.  You will be a living corpse, a half-consciousness puppeting your bones. 

You decide to drown.  You slip further and further into the blackness behind your lids.

“Hey, it’s me!  I’m coming!” 

Changbin.

You can hear his footsteps as he thunders towards you, but you can’t see him.  Your eyelids are so heavy, as if being held shut by a hand in the water.

Another hand reaches straight through the corrosive cold and seizes your face in a desperate grip. 

“Wake up,” Changbin says.  He taps your cheek repeatedly, a little harder each time, a little more frantic.  “Hey, wake up.  Please.  Please wake up.”

It feels like he is prying your eyes open.  One moment there is nothing but darkness, then Changbin is there.  He looks like he did when you last saw him, grown, fight-ready, a little scar on his face.  It bleeds more than such a tiny mark should.  A droplet hits your cheek, burning hot compared to the water. 

“It’s me,” he says. “Hold on.  Keep your eyes open.  Don’t go.  I promise I’ll get you out.” 

Don’t go.  Don’t go.  An echoing reverberation that circles the wooden beams high above your head.  You look there, staring at the ceiling as your lungs slowly fill with oxygen. 

The ceiling shatters in a spray of splinters, the world vanishing in a cloud of grey smoke.  Changbin is gone and your father stands over you, keeping that weight on your chest with a press of his fist. 

“You’ll thank me one day,” he says, and plunges you back under water.  Ice cold currents and electric hot fire twine in and around you in an unfathomable vice.  Your vision flickers as you twitch and flail, avoiding one sensation to succumb to the other. 

“Don’t go,” Changbin says.  “I promise I’ll get you out.” 

Another bolt of lightning slices through you. 

“Just let go.”  A cold and clinical voice.

There is a war between those voices.  Time passes slowly as you volley in the current, slamming into one or the other. 

In the bubbling frenzy, you hear a whisper.  

“Let her go.”  That is not Changbin.  That is not your father.  It’s too soft – soft, until it’s not, until it sounds like speaking through an open chest cavity, heaving up its heart with every cry.  “Please,” the voice begs.  “Let her go.” 

“Thank me,” your father says.  He stands with his back to you, angled just enough you can see the gun in his hands.   You can’t see the person on the receiving end.  You just know it’s a soldier.  You just know it’s a boy. 

You have to stop it.  The thought overwhelms you and you reach for the gun, but your hand never makes contact, splashing through cold water. 

“Subject recognizes control,” says that clinical voice.

There is a hand on your chest.  It pushes you back under water. 

You are alone in the current and the corrosion and the cold.  The hand pushes you deeper and deeper into the endless darkness under you.  

You are going to drown.  You are going to let yourself drown. 

“You don’t want to do that,” you say. 

Your father still has a gun in his hand.  It is pointed at that boy. 

“Subject— Control—”

You need to get that gun.  You need to swim.  You need to see him.  You need to save him. 

You finally let go. 

-

You open your eyes. 

Unlike in your dreams, it’s fast.  You jolt awake in a cold sweat.  The ceiling is unmoving, the air cool and dry from the motel’s cheap, noisy air conditioner.  The blinds are closed but the neon light outside the window creates a fuzzy square halo.  It brightens the room just enough to see  the outline of everything clearly.  

That includes Chan.

He is still awake.  If this was just one night ago, you would tell him to get into bed and sleep because you can’t have him tired for the mission.  But now, you find yourself staring back at him, at his bare and open face, his tired eyes and the uncomfortable tension in his shoulders.   

When you went to sleep, he was sitting on that same chair in the corner, and it looks like he hasn’t moved once.  He’s been waiting for you. 

He’s been waiting a lot longer than one night.   If she ever came back to me, he said, revealing years of hope, of watching, waiting for you to break through your conditioning and show him a sign.  He was never brainwashed, just trapped in a precarious situation, bound to a bargain with no way out that didn’t compromise you.  He could have saved himself at any time but it wouldn’t have mattered.   

“You were never reconfigured,” you say. 

“No.” 

The question and answer breaks a dam.  A flood of questions pour to the front of your mind, overwhelming you, taking you back to your dreams where you almost drown – again and again.  You remember the report, stating too much recollection could trigger some kind of breakdown.  Yes, you could ask Chan to tell you everything, to string together all those gaps in your nightmares, but you already know that would not help.  It would either feel like a story about a girl you do not know, or it would just throw you deeper into the whirlpool.

You let those questions turn over themselves like a crashing wave.  When it settles, you ask the one question that remains.

“Were we friends?” 

He doesn’t answer right away.   He leans forward, puts his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands under his chin.  He is impossibly strong but right now he looks too weak to support himself.

“No,” he finally says.  His eyes dart to the floor.  “No, we weren’t friends.” 

He looks at you and you fall into the unspoken story within his eyes.  You have been conversing without words since you met.  He has been looking at you with that wanting tilt and desperate stare since he stepped into the ring. 

You remember a fragment from a dream.   Him, younger, his face ravaged with tears and his mouth open on a muted shout.   It would be easy to mistake that as him being tortured, his pain that palpable.  But your memory is not of his suffering, just his watching, just his waiting.   

All this time, he has been waiting.  

“Did you love me?” you ask. 

This answer comes faster, but rougher as if guarding against vulnerability.  His voice is low.

“Yes.”

A phantom spark fires up your arm, straight into your heart. 

“Did I love you?” you ask.

He holds your gaze, though it feels like he is looking just a little past you, seeing something you can’t see.  Then again, maybe he doesn’t see it, maybe he is just searching, and maybe he comes up empty.  Because when he answers, his voice is airy, and the word is like a hiss of pain, like getting hit in the chest and all the air leaving the body at once.

“Yes,” he says.

You feel the weight of that hit too.  Wavering under the force of it, you blurt, “I don’t remember.” 

“I know,” he says.  He drops his head into his hands and rubs his palms over his face, scrunches his eyes shut tight and shakes his head.  “I know.”    

You want to go to him.  You are not sure where the urge comes from because, despite what he said, you have never loved like that.  Is it something buried inside you, something that remembers?  Maybe it’s just you, who you are now, the person who has spent the last few days with this man at her side.  His proximity has been a confusing comfort from the start.  Maybe it’s a memory or maybe it’s just him. 

You stand before thinking it through.  He doesn’t even notice, a sign this competent soldier is very far gone, his face still buried in his hands.  When you touch his shoulder, it catches him off guard, both arms jolting as if stung. 

He looks up at you, his hand instinctively flying to the one you rest on his shoulder.  He clasps it, holds it there, presses it down like he needs convincing it is real. 

He meets your eyes.   You do not know what you look like; you just know it hurts him, that it makes everything so much worse. 

A child-like sob punches out of him.  His eyes close tight, his face going red as he fights to hold it in.   He cried earlier and it looked like the typical outpouring of stress and hurt, but it did not look like this. 

After that first sob, reminiscent of the little boy he never really was, years of torment come tearing violently out of his chest.  Flashes of memories melt with the sight, his young face twisted as he wails, that muted shout filled in with his voice now. 

He holds his forehead, doubles over.  When you see the top of his head, those other images fade away.  It is just him, here, now.  Whoever he is, he has been good to you.  Your hand is still on his shoulder and he is still clinging to it. 

“Chan,” you whisper.  You’re not sure if he hears it, but his breath catches when you nudge him upright.  You are certain he can’t see very well through his tears, but he looks up anyway. 

When you climb into his lap, wrapping your arms around his neck, he does not hesitate to throw his arms around you.  His hands find your back and he presses you so close, it feels like he is trying to push you right into his heart.  He puts his face in your neck where he fights to steady his breathing. 

You touch the nape of his neck.  You shiver at his long exhale. 

You feel miserable and choked for a myriad of reasons.  For him, everything he as endured and lost.  For you, who doesn’t even know what she lost at all. 

“I’m sorry,” he says.  His breathing is less laboured, though his voice sounds sore.  He exhales again, some tension leaving his shoulders where you rest your hands. 

You squeeze those shoulders and lean back to look at him.  His expression is more than a little abashed, gaze uncertain.  You are not good at smiling but you try, even though you think your brows are furrowed and his sorrow is reflecting back through your eyes. 

“Thought we agreed to stop apologizing,” you say. 

His laugh is as weak as your smile, but certainly there.   You touch his face with your scarred palm, feel the curve of his jaw where that wound runs sharpest.    You think you can only touch him because of that scar.  You used to balk at the sight of someone else’s tears, even deride them.  You don’t remember being a lover.  You didn’t even realize you had a friend until it was too late.

You might not know who you are, and you might not know how to describe how you feel, but you certainly understand it feels different, and you certainly know what kind of person you do not want to be anymore. 

So you do not rip your hand away.  You curl a tuft of hair behind his ear. 

“I just—”  You trip over your own words, wishing you were a better speaker, more personable and warm than your stiff recitation.  “I can’t be that person,” you say.  “I don’t know what person I will be, but I’m not – I can’t—”

“I know,” he says, sincere.  He is holding your waist and he gives it a small squeeze, a reassuring touch that moves through you with a burst of warmth.  It simmers in your bloodstream when he smiles – his eyes still sorrowful despite the dimple in his cheek.   “I don’t wish you were someone else,” he says.  With a wince, he says, “I wish I was.” 

Your stomach twists in an awful knot.  You think of all that blood on his hands.  Despite his efforts to keep it away from you, you feel it on yourself.  You have to close your eyes to push away the flood of images, unsure which are imaginative fabrications and which are potential memories.  You just know he looks too young to have that kind of red on him. 

You open your eyes and look at him.  His eyes are open but his gaze is faraway, lost in thought.  You touch a tendril of curly hair, feel it under your fingers like you have the past couple nights.  He looks at you with eyes that have already shared multiple conversations. 

“I wish you hadn’t suffered,” you say.  “I don’t think anyone should suffer that way.  I don’t think the ends justify the means anymore.  But also I—” 

Even while your heart is changing inside, getting those words outside is a different struggle entirely. 

Chan looks at you with that tilt to his head, that questioning brow, his eyes a lot softer with his curiosity.  Your breath is jagged, a messy gasp as you gather yourself.  You look away, wholly incapable of maintaining eye contact.

“I got in the car with the First Guard,” you say.   “Not with some other version of you.  This soldier.  This Chan.”   You look down at your hands, absent-minded in the way you move them, from his shoulders down to his chest.  “This is the man I trusted,” you say.  “The one I still do.”

Your eyes lift.  They meet his.  His expression is a mix of confusion and amazement. 

His lips part with a question, but it gets caught.  He stares a little longer, then he asks, “Why?”

An unexpected laugh bubbles and bursts right out of you. 

“I have no idea,” you say, giving in to that bubbly feeling, letting it fill your chest and lift you up like a safety raft.  “I don’t know anything at all.” 

You realize there is something freeing in that thought.  No, you don’t know who you are.  No, you don’t know what is going to happen past right now.  You have to save your friend.  You have to end your father’s business.  Everything else, the becoming of you and the world and your place in it, is unanswerable.  You can’t find blueprints or scour maps or form battle strategies.  You don’t know where the water leads.  You just have to swim. 

“Maybe it doesn’t even matter,” you say with a shrug.  “I don’t know.  Nothing about yesterday, nothing tomorrow—”

“Just right now,” he says.

His voice is a little lower.  Just right now.  That was the pact you made the other night. 

Your whole body comes alight, waking from the ice cold state it has been frozen in.  It warms under his palms on your hips and where his dark eyes roam. 

“Just right now,” you repeat as softly.  You look at your hands again, realize more consciously how intimately they rest on his chest.  Rather than retract, you swipe your thumb across the exposed strip of skin where his flannel is buttoned askew.   “Maybe that’s all I need to know.” 

This right now feels different than before.  You don’t blame his emotional reaction to your earlier intimacy if it was an affect of all his memories, all he had lost, and all he was.  You think your straightforward trust in him – not in spite of his identity, but because of it – has shifted things again.  Your hands on his chest and your words in the open seem to have changed the shape of this whole room. 

“I’m the First Guard,” he says.  His eyes drop to your mouth then back up.  “You’re Miroh’s daughter.” 

“Yes, you are,” you say.  “And no, I’m not.”  You see the shiver that moves through him when you run your hands up his chest and curl your hand around the back of his neck.   You feel his thighs get tense under yours, his whole body reacting.  “Say my name,” you say.

When he does, it is not like a weapon or alarm, but spoken in a way that makes you feel like you have never heard your name spoken properly before that moment. 

You kiss him first and this time it lands deliberately, catching him mid-breath and stealing the rest of it.  When you start to lean away, to see if it’s all right, he puts his hand on the back of your head, curls his fingers in your hair, and draws you right into him, stealing back that breath with a desperate kiss. 

In a way, this is familiar to you.  You always liked and used sex as a grounding exercise.  You feel present in your body, regardless of how floaty and detached you felt before.  From the tingling top of your head to the curling of your toes, you feel every inch of yourself, alive and hot. 

But it feels different too.  You were always eager to chase the high, to reach the final destination with little care for the journey.  You realize, maybe, it is about the becoming, itself.

“Chan,” you say, squeezing his hips between your legs when he runs his hands under your shirt.  You climbed into bed still wearing your pants and shirt, wishing differently now as you rock your body against his. 

You buck a little eagerly, sensations going to your head quicker than intoxication.  Chan brings you back down, shushing you gently, guiding your open mouth back to his.  He kisses you slowly, touches you like he is memorizing every contour.   You make a sweet sound into his mouth, cupping his face as you kiss him back. 

“Can we—” you start.

“Yes,” he says.  “Yes, yes.” 

You stand on shaky legs and strip your bottom layers away.  The few seconds apart are dizzying, the whole world around him fuzzy as that neon yellow light leaking into the room.   Because he is staring at you, looking dazed and dishevelled, it takes him longer to unbutton his jeans than it did for you to remove your pants altogether.  You climb back onto his lap and do not help at all, distracting him with another kiss. 

A kiss always felt like a waste of time, but you think you could content yourself with just kissing him forever.   Slow or fast, gentle or needy.  

You are kissing when he gets inside you, gripping your bare thighs with a possessive hold that will feel tender tomorrow.   You luxuriate in the pleasure and the pain, your body yours, shared with him, reciprocated in turn.  

Whatever else existed – or could exist – ceases to matter for a time.  You come together and come apart in each other’s arms, chests pressed together, hearts racing against each other.  You tug his hair and pull his face into your neck, moaning under the press of his teeth and the heat of his lips. 

“Mm, fuck,” he groans into your skin, clutching your hips even tighter, rocking up into you while you roll down against him.  His gentle curse has you whimpering, his mouth on your throat making you shake.  “Mm, get all tight when I bite you, you know,” he murmurs, and leaves no time for argument or embarrassment because he nips at your neck again.  You do exactly what he said, clenching around him with an involuntary shudder. 

“Fuck,” is all you say.  He breathes a laugh against your skin. 

You clutch his shoulders when he gathers you and stands, moving the couple small steps towards the bed where he lays you out.  You are apart for only seconds, but you feel so cold and empty that it is almost terrifying.  When he shucks his jeans and gets back on top of you, you unbutton his shirt with shaking fingers, body in convulsions from the angle he is fucking you.   

You have never been fully alive in your body until right now. 

You come while he fucks you and you come again, when he puts his hands on you, like he really does need to feel every inch of you with his searching fingers.  When he keeps touching you, you are so stimulated you slap his chest, making him smile at your loss of words. 

 You lay in a tangled heap, your legs twined together.  Your shirt is gone and his is unbuttoned, your cheek on his chest as he lays on his back.  You let yourself be a little lulled by the cadence of his breathing.

Your eyes eventually wander.  You realize the sun has joined that neon light, the fuzzy halo around the window now a clearer glow.  The day is beckoning.  It brings you back to reality, to the world outside this re-shaped room. 

“I know I need to face it eventually,” you say.  “I don’t know what will happen. But right now – I can’t be distracted from the mission.  I need to rescue Changbin.  I need to stop my father.”

Miroh is dead but everything he did haunts you, like a ghost around every corner.  You can’t afford to confront the other ghosts, including your own. 

“Whatever happens after right now,” you say.  “I guess I’ll see.” 

“I understand,” Chan says.  He is caressing your spine, fingertips stroking up and down the slope of your back.   He scratches a little at the nape of your neck, making you hum in contentment.  “Really,” he says.  “I know things got crazy earlier but… I think right now… I can do right now.”

You look up at him.  He smiles down at you, dimples digging into his cheeks.  You have to look away, because you just promised yourself no distractions, but that smile causes a flush of warmth that goes beyond the physical. 

“Well,” you say with a sigh, patting his chest.  “Maybe by then you and me will be friends for real.” 

You feel his body stiffen, shoulders dropping, the hand on your nape freezing.   You look up to see his face, a questioning brow quirked.  He is returning the expression, though his countenance is a little more drole. 

“What?” you say. 

He answers with a firmer grip on the back of your neck.  He rolls you over, onto your back, keeping your head lifted in his hand.  The length of his open flannel drapes over your warm skin, a soft tickle as he leans down and kisses you.  It starts gentle but doesn’t last, his tongue parting your lips and the hot, needy press of his mouth pinning you to the bed and his arms.   You kiss back but hardly keep up, dizzy with breathlessness as he licks into your mouth, as he chases down the breath of you, as he keeps your lips on his for as long as he possibly can. 

Then he leans to one side.  His breath tickles your neck before he kisses just below your ear.  He whispers, “I don’t want to be friends.” 

He looks at you with a far too innocent dimpled smile.  You think Chan might be a bigger threat to your well-being than the First Guard. 

“Okay,” you say, breathless.  “Noted.” 

-

You open the blinds.  Once the room is full of sunlight, you revert to soldiership and work on your next strategy. 

There is no doubt the Miroh corporation is floundering in a state of panic.   They are not only dealing with the loss of its boss and heir, but also destabilizing insider attacks on various sectors while vulnerable.  On top of everything else, stocks have plummeted and investors are running for their lives and their wallets. 

You and Chan have watched the company as well as the social reaction.  With different leaks and financial fallouts, especially given Miroh’s connections to governmental and military divisions, it is no surprise that different stories have been cycling through the news.  You have kept an ear on the radio and an eye on tv stations. 

As you scour blueprints and map your next manoeuvre, you have the news playing at a low volume in the background.  They are currently reporting the combustion of a Miroh facility.  Their research and sources have led them to deduce it is an inside job.  

That much is fairly obvious as no one else could do what you and Chan are doing, though you are not suspects.  The media believes you are dead, that both you and your father were assassinated at the same time.  You are not sure if the company honestly believes you died, that the First Guard killed you then disappeared without Miroh to corral him, or if they reported that so they could kill you without a fuss in the future. 

There are no reports on Chan, of course.  No one outside of Miroh’s world even knows he exists. 

The major suspects are disgruntled investors and former employers, so far mostly scientists and research assistants given the targeted facilities.  With some of the government leaks, there are also theories that some deals with legislators went sour and resulted in a target being painted over the name Miroh. 

This seems to the angle the current report is taking.  At first, you are only half-listening, as the news reporter does not mention anything you have not heard before. 

Then you catch the latter half of a sentence you are not expecting.

“—of greater potential concern as this latest attack was on a military base.”

Both you and Chan whip your heads up at the same time. 

You have not attacked any military bases. 

“Turn that up,” you say.

Chan is already on his feet and moving towards the bed where the remote was discarded.  He turns up the volume on the television and you both watch the report. 

It is not impossible that a domino effect could ripple from one facility to the next.  The more attacks you make – targeting all the little chinks in Miroh’s armour – the more likely it is that certain institutions will collapse entirely on their own.  Either people will chase the money, like a lot of former investors, or they will abandon course altogether.  Eventually, Miroh’s world will eat itself alive, with or without your help. 

But you have so far only targeted a couple smaller research facilities.  Yes, there have already been consequences, but not enough that a totally unrelated military base on the other side of the country would spontaneously combust. 

You stare at the screen.  That base is big.  It isn’t going down without a fight.  No one outside of the house of Miroh would have dared target it.  No one else would have known how. 

“Changbin,” you say. 

Chan puts a hand on your shoulder, squeezing reassuringly.  You look at him then at the television, at the story unfolding rapidly in front of you. 

“It’s him, isn’t it?” you ask.  “It has to be.”

There might be just enough chaos in the ranks that if a solder of Changbin’s calibre was being held, something might fall wayside and he would have an opportunity to escape.  

You are just not sure he would try.   Changbin has obviously undergone changes of his own, all seeming to stem from that final confrontation with Lee Felix before the enemy went down and took his world with him.   Changbin clearly decided once and for all what was really important to him.  Changbin has always played the game carefully, but in the last few months he repeatedly put himself between you and your father.   He intercepted multiple interactions with Miroh’s men, altercations you dismissed as nuisances at the time but shudder to realize the weight now. 

Changbin threw himself in the middle, again and again, painting a bigger and bigger target on his back.  He seemed resigned to his demise.  For that reason, you are not sure how much he would fight even if given the opportunity.  He seemed whole-heartedly certain he would be left behind, no matter what happened. 

You curl your hand into a fist, digging your nails into your scar.  There was so much you should have told him.  If he knew that you were willing to fight this hard.  If he knew you would find out the truth.  If, if, if—

“Don’t hurt yourself,” Chan says. 

You look at him just as he kneels down beside your chair.  He takes your hand, the one with the scar, and unfolds it carefully. 

“Kicking yourself won’t save him, yeah?”  Chan says. 

“Yeah,” you say with a huff. 

The report continues.  It details this attack as being an inside job as well.  Supposedly, according to rumours breaching the walls, multiple people have gone missing, but their identities have not been given to the press.  Hearing that, you become marginally more hopeful that Changbin is among them.  The company would not report their supposed missing persons because they are most likely prisoners being held in less-than-legal circumstances.  Changbin would be that type of prisoner.  

The fight is ongoing.  He could still be there. 

“It’s a lead, at least,” Chan says, echoing your thoughts. 

“Maybe we’ve been looking in the wrong place this whole time,” you say.  You have been targeting the science sector when maybe your father kept it all in the military house after all.  Maybe after the initial pass through that research facility, he was moved onto a more secure base, given his background as a former child soldier of the special-ops program. 

Well, if that is the case, their extra security did not work.  Of course it didn’t work.  It’s Seo Changbin.   You could laugh at their idiocy. 

“We need to find out either way,” you say. 

You manage your expectations for now, but as you sit at the table and change course to plan an entirely new strategy, it is with a hope as clear and bright as the sunlight.

-

It is a lot of driving to the military base.  You will get there at nightfall the next day if you stop only sparsely. 

You and Chan are swift in packing and climbing back into that car.  You take turns sleeping and driving, though the last leg of the journey is spent on edge.  You are braced and ready for a fight, all that determination exacerbated by the very real possibility that you are about to see Changbin again. 

What will you say to him?  What will he say to you?  You wonder how much he knew about the reconfiguration.  Clearly, he knew something, if not the specifics, as he went to great lengths to keep you away from your father. 

You thought Changbin had saved you on an emotional level, but you realize now how it crossed into every sphere of life.    

You close your eyes while Chan drives.  You see Changbin on that rooftop, saying he will not leave you behind.  It was the first hit that shattered the glass around you.  Miroh had so carefully built that clear coffin around your consciousness, and Changbin smashed right through with the sheer brute force of his friendship. 

You glance at Chan.  Miroh did everything in his power to make sure you forgot about him.  Bang Christopher Chan, the First Guard.  Someone you loved and who loved you.  Your father would have focussed on that.  He would not have seen anything. 

Why would he care about a friendship?  What does that word even mean to a man like him?  He would have looked right past Changbin.  He spent all that time wiping Chan from your mind, that he never thought to look for anything else. 

Your body gets cold as you remember – something.  You close your eyes.  You are standing in front of Changbin.  He’s young, in his late teens, about the age you would have been when they reconfigured you.  He is looking at you with uncertainty.  You feel an uneasiness looking back at him. 

Don’t you know me? he asks.  He pulls a face, makes some dumb noises, waves his hands.  Then he frowns.  Changbin can be funny, but he turns it off in a second, as deadly as the rest of them.   So much anger floods his eyes, they look black with the focussed intensity of his fury.  You know me, he says.  Think.  Remember me. 

You see a slant of moonlight, a windowpane, a streak of blood.  Remember me. 

You feel a weight as it is lifted off your chest.  You hear him shouting your name.  You hear him running. 

You know me, he says. 

You flinch – in your memory? – right now? – and a piercing wail floods your mind.  You don’t want to go towards that scream.  You can’t go there. 

It’s me, he says.  Hold on.  Keep your eyes open.  Don’t go.  I promise I’ll get you out.

“Changbin,” you say. 

“Hey, hey, baby, hey—”  That is Chan.  He is shaking your arm.

Your eyes pop open. 

You have never had flashes of recollection while awake.  It feels like a bigger adrenaline rush than waking from a nightmare, very little to divide your mind from reality. 

You take a few steadying breaths while Chan rubs your shoulder.  He was driving but the car is now stopped on the side of the road.  You did not even feel him braking. 

“What happened?” he asks when you are settled enough to speak.

“I don’t know,” you say.  “I just—I was thinking.  Remembering.  Not like that.  It’s complicated.  I just—”

You close your eyes.  A teenage Changbin is still standing there, looking at you warily. 

You know me. 

I know you.

“Changbin,” you say, choked up.  You blink your eyes open and take another breath.  “I’ll be okay,” you say.  “We can’t stop for long.  Let’s get back on the road.”

Chan does not look convinced, frowning as he stares into your face.  You blink at him, then narrow your eyes into a squint.

“Did you call me baby?” you ask. 

He clears his throat and turns back to the steering wheel.  Looking out over the dashboard, definitely not at you, and with the tips of his ears more than a little red, he says, “You’re right.  Let’s get back on the road.”

In spite of everything, you find yourself smiling. 

-

It is only natural that you are waylaid at the very last minute, right on the cusp of sunset as you approach the vicinity of the military base.  Not only is your path to finally rescuing Changbin obstructed, but it is halted by the most asinine, mundane nonsense in the world. 

Soldiers, agents, entire convoluted military operations – those you can easily take.  Minimum wage workers, on the other hand, are impossible combatants.  More grizzled than the worst of ancient servicemen, they blink at your pleading with a harsher chill than a mob boss.   You are certain this gas station attendant has seen some shit because he is not remotely inclined to assuage anyone’s anxiety. 

“The till is down,” he says with an icy tone, face pinched unpleasantly.  “It’ll be back up in a minute.” 

He goes back to talking to his manager on the phone, smacking his computer till at random intervals.  It does not exactly inspire confidence. 

While you and Chan have been getting by with theft and subterfuge, you do everything in your power to not draw attention.  That means you pay for gas as many stations have security cameras that log and report drive-offs and defaults. 

That means you are stuck in this line with several other customers while the hapless cashier whacks his computer.

The little bell above the door rings as Chan steps inside the shop. 

“What’s taking so long?” he asks. 

“I want to hit him,” you say, pointing to the disinterested cashier.  “He’s never gonna get that thing fixed.  We have somewhere to be, we can’t just stand here all day—” 

“Ah, ah, ah, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Chan says soothingly.  He interrupts your rant as you were raising your voice.   Not that it matters because the incompetent cashier is not paying any attention. 

“I’ll take care of it,” Chan says.  “You just have to know how to talk to people, yeah?” 

The cashier paid you absolutely no mind when you tried to complain.  He gave you a nasty look and ordered you to get to the back of the line.  Chan, on the other, receives a quick onceover and a blink of seeming approval. 

Chan leans on the counter and smiles a devastatingly charming smile, those dimples blinding.  The cashier puts the phone on his shoulder and looks at him expectantly.    

“Hey there,” Chan says. 

“Hello,” the cashier replies, coolly but not as rudely.  “The till is broken, sir.  We’re going to have to wait for a repair.”

“You know, I’m pretty good with my hands,” Chan says.  “I bet if you let me under there, I could figure something out.” 

The cashier blinks at him.  One blink, two blinks, three.  Then he hangs up the phone and opens the gate to let Chan behind the counter. 

You cross your arms and roll your eyes. 

Chan, perhaps unsurprisingly given his necessary breadth of skills, helps the useless cashier get his dumb register running again.  You all but throw the money at his stupid pretty head before marching away. 

“Thanks, Wolfgang,” the cashier says, using the made-up name Chan gave him.

“No problem.”  Chan winks back at him.   “Have a good day, uh—”  He squints at the name tag, gives it only a sparing glance as he steps out the door.  “Hyunjin,” he says.

The door swings closed and you continue on your way. 

-

Fortunately, you have no more preposterous interludes.   You approach the base differently than the facilities, especially because you have not been able to do a proper sweep.  However, that should be fine given the entire operation here has already been massively destabilized.  All the main assets have moved along, either because of imminent danger or because the media now has its eyes on its actions. 

Either way, you get inside without much fuss.  You stick together for longer, not trusting the dark corridors and labyrinthine tunnels. 

It is a lot emptier than anticipated.  The fight seems to have ended some time in the last couple hours.  There is an eerie, unsettled feeling, like a house abandoned in the middle of a meal.  Unlike the dusty underground hovels at the research facility, this place is still breathing.   You are not sure what it will cough up. 

“Still think he’s here?”  Chan asks, likely coming to the same conclusion as you: that even if Changbin was here, he has probably moved on.  He has either escaped and gone of his own volition or he was caught and reprimanded and has been relocated. 

“Maybe,” you say with a sigh.  “Maybe not.  But it’s still a lead.  Treat it like one.” 

You finally split up to cover more ground, agreeing to reconvene at the central warehouse in half-an-hour. 

Maybe Changbin is no longer in these walls – maybe he was never here at all – but there might still be answers.  You suspect there are questions too, because you cannot imagine who outside of the special-ops program would have both the calibre of skill and necessary intel to pull of an operation like this.  Someone reached right into the heart of this base and yanked at its ventricles like it was nothing.  And if not to escape, then why?

It has to be Changbin, you tell yourself, even while a sense of wrongness creeps under your skin.  It is the same odd, unsettled feeling you get when you think about the night the enemy died – specifically when you think about that security system somehow being wiped after the house burned down with everyone inside it.  It is that strange discombobulation, where the answer is probably simple and right in front of your face, so blatant that its absence haunts and distracts you.

You are distracted with thought.  Maybe that is why you make your first mistake.

You turn a corner and crash right into someone.  You are shocked because you did not hear their approach.  Even distracted, you should have heard footsteps in an empty corridor, especially in heavy combat boots.  You are quiet but you have unique bodily control that even well-trained soldiers cannot replicate.  No one else can walk that quietly.

It is clear the same startled reaction ripples through their body. 

You draw guns at the same time, firing with equal speed and precision.  You also both duck at the same time.  Smooth as a dance, you whirl around each other, firing and re-loading until they do a spin-kick and knock the gun aside.  

As you fight with your hands, you only catch glimpses of your opponent.  They are dressed all in black but not in Miroh’s uniform, a balaclava pulled over their face and head.  They are very slender, but they land a hit like someone twice their size. 

Your second mistake is your own fault.  You underestimate them based on their build and it earns you a good right cross. In the ensuing dizziness, they make a break down the corridor at an alarming speed.  It leaves you reeling more than the hit. 

“What the fuck,” you say, staggering after them. 

This person does not work for Miroh, that much is obvious.  It also definitely isn’t Changbin.  This person has the completely wrong build, opposite of Changbin in almost every way.   No, it isn’t your friend, but it might very well be another prisoner.  They might have an idea of what happened.  They might know if Changbin was here and where he went. 

The thought propels you into a determined sprint.  You cannot follow sound as the person is good enough to keep their footsteps low, but you are just as skilled so they likewise do not see you coming. 

They coincidentally head straight for the central warehouse.   The warehouse previously functioned as a pseudo-armory, but it has already been completely cleared.  It is two levels, the top floor a balcony walkway overlooking the main warehouse floor. 

The warehouse is empty except for the intruder. The person seems to be deliberating.   They remove their head covering for a second, long enough to catch their breath.  You see a flash of black hair and a hint of a masculine profile before you are spotted.   The man tugs the fabric back over his head. 

He leaps right off the balcony. 

It is too high for a normal person to jump without breaking a leg.  Naturally, you run to the railing to look over.

Your adversary is a step ahead of you.   He is dangling there, waiting for you to approach so he can swing back over and knock you down.  You skid across the balcony level, the metal walkway rattling under your weight. 

You don’t stay down for long.  Another fight begins, a back and forth tussle that makes you think you need more training.  The past day has been more than a little hectic, but you should be able to take down even a well-trained soldier. 

He does another spin-kick, a solid roundhouse that knocks your mask right off.   You stumble sideways while the mask clatters across the balcony before spilling right over the ledge.  It is a long descent before it smacks the ground. 

You ground your footing, assuming a defensive stance with a swift upward swing.

“Who are you?” you ask.

At the exact same time, the man says, “You.” 

That prompts another question, a bigger question, why on earth this stranger would recognize you in this context.   You cannot even think about your question, however, because the man abruptly flies at you with twice the verve as before.  Caught off guard, at first you struggle to defend yourself.   When he finally swings too wide, giving you an opening, you do not waste the opportunity. 

You tackle him, fully and bodily, arms around him as you charge the balcony.   You shove him right over the railing.  It is not so high that he’ll die, but you don’t want to kill him anyway.  You need to ask him questions – like did he do all this and how and why?  Are there others?  Is Changbin among them? 

You grasp the railing.  You are prepared to swing and jump over but you stop short at what you find.  The man, who should be nursing a fractured leg right about now, is instead getting to his feet.  He looks a bit dizzy, shaking his head and rubbing his temple, but he is otherwise unscathed. 

You just stand there for a second, gawping at him like an animal. 

That shielded face finally lifts, eyes finding yours across the space.   His head cocks, seemingly a dry and irritated, Really?

You launch yourself off the balcony, landing heavily but safely.  You absorb the shock and straighten, not taking your eyes off this man for a second. 

“I’m not interested in hurting you,” you say. 

He scoffs, pointedly looking down at your uniform. 

“I don’t work for Miroh anymore,” you say.  “I’m just trying to blend in.” 

“You?” he says.  It is so far the only thing he is willing to say.  His voice has a darker, deeper tone, scratching at the back of your head, but his monosyllabic replies do nothing to help place him. 

You want to say more but he doesn’t let you, jumping back into action.  You huff in aggravation, wanting to shout, we’re on the same side!   But he is fast.  You expend your energy just keeping him at bay.

Your stamina is fairly well-matched, just like everything else.  You move around the warehouse, kicking and punching and flipping around each other, losing track of minutes. 

A sheen of sweat breaks under your uniform.  He is slowing down too.  There is just one difference: he still has his gun. 

He gets you behind the knee and puts you on your back.  Before you can retaliate, he draws his gun and points it at your face. 

You freeze, staring down the barrel.  You slowly lift your eyes to him, just in case any sudden movement convinces him to fire.  So far, he is holding, though you are not sure why.  If he truly wanted to avoid detection, it would have been in his best interest to kill you and move on. 

He hesitates.  His hand is steady but his eyes are darting around inside the masked fabric. 

Your eyes continue to wander up, up.  Your heart leaps when you see Chan approaching on the balcony, silent and serious, gun in hand.  He has a longer-range weapon, not a little pistol like you and the adversary.   He takes aim from his perch but you shake your head.

You know Chan can make the shot, that he could get the man through the head and not so much as graze you under him.  But if this man dies, his answers go with him. 

“No!” you shout at the same time the gun goes off. 

You wrap your legs around the man’s midsection and yank him to the side.  You roll, one over the other until you are pinned once more.  You are both unharmed.  With the head covering, it is hard to tell if he is frazzled.  He certainly whips his head around quickly, trying to see where he dropped his gun. 

You spot it at the same time.  You glance at each other then bolt, stumbling over one another as you charge the discarded pistol. 

Chan jumps down off the balcony.  He takes more of a running leap, jumping forward rather than just down.  It gives him far more momentum so he hits the ground and tucks into a roll, riding the wave of that momentum until he is in the middle of the room. 

Chan reaches the gun first.  He kicks it out of the way and comes at the adversary with his bare hands.  He may not understand why you wanted to save an enemy who had you pinned under a gun, but Chan must trust there is a reason because he fights to incapacitate rather than kill. 

It is a good fight, but the man is already tired from fighting you. 

And you are good, but Chan is better.  If he could not beat you, only tie, then he cannot beat Chan. 

Sure enough, it takes a few more moves before the man is on his back.  Chan, still wearing his half-mask, straddles the man’s chest, pinning his arms at his sides and his body to the floor.  He draws a knife out of a thigh holster for good measure.   

“Got him,” Chan says.  “Who is this guy?”

“I have no idea,” you say, jogging over to them.  “That’s what I want to find out.”

“Let me go,” the man says, wriggling uselessly under Chan’s weight.   “I have nothing to say to her.”

“I told you already, I’m on your side,” you say.  “Or at least I’m not on Miroh’s side.”

“Whose side are you on?”  Chan asks with a jerk of his head. 

“Mine,” the man answers.  “Now let me go.  I have a job.”

“We have a job,” you say.  “We’re the ones who have been taking out the facilities so far.”

That gets the man to stop squirming.  He looks at you through the narrow eye slits in his balaclava, eyes darting to where you stand behind Chan. 

“You?” the man asks, seemingly his favourite word. 

“Yes, me,” you snap.  “And who are you exactly?” 

“One way to find out,” Chan says.  He does not wait for any further acknowledgement, ripping the man’s mask right off his head.  It is not a cruel or violent action, more a casual shrug of his arm than anything.  You are not expecting to find anything more than the scowling face of a stranger.   

You and Chan freeze.   

Staring back at you, with his hair returned to its natural pitch, his dark eyes narrowed in an intense glare, and a face full of unmistakable freckles, is a former agent of Miroh’s special-ops program.  One of the last and a traitor, not to mention supposedly dead. 

“You,” is what you say.

You do not know what else to say to Lee Felix. 

[delicatebarness]

winters widow | chapter ix

Summary: In the aftermath of the devastating attack on Winter's Reach, The White Wolf awakes.

Warning: Mentions of previous Sexual Assault. Violence. Murder. Trauma and Revenge.

Word Count: 1752

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A/N: You know I love a good Bucky-centered chapter now and then. - Please feel free to leave feedback or let me know where and how you want the story to continue, this is just as much yours as mine. - B

Winter’s Widow: @lanabuckybarnes | @sapphirebarnes | @sebastians-love | @mrsnikstan | @learisa | @railmesebstan | @mishkatelwarriorgoddess | @barnesxstan | @ghalouha | @mrsstuckyboo | @g-nobodycares-blog | @mishidrish | @melsunshine

Everything: @hallecarey1 | @pattiemac1 | @uhmellamoanna | @scraftsku35 | @ozwriterchick | @sapphirebarnes | @rach2602 | @thetorturedbuckydepartment

Winter’s Reach was left strained in the aftermath of the attack. The once grand halls echoed the grim task of assessing the damage and planning its repairs. Lord James paced back and forth inside the council room, his face a mask of determination. The Reach’s advisors gathered around the long table, his father at the head as they gathered around the long table. Their voices were hushed as they discussed the damaged and necessary steps to recovery.

“The eastern walls are breached,” an advisor reported, his voice weary. “We lost a significant portion of our defenses. Rebuilding will take weeks– if not months.” 

Lord James’ mind was elsewhere, barely registering the advisor's words. His heart ached for you, the sight of you broken and terrified still haunted him. He had been by your side every moment since, trying to comfort you, but he was helpless against the darkness that claimed your spirit. 

Another advisor spoke up, his voice hesitant. “My lord, we must also address the matter of the attacker who… who violated Lady Romanoff.” 

The gravity of the words hung heavy in the air as the room fell silent. Lord James stopped pacing, his eyes darkened with a dangerous fury. Turning on his heel, he faced the advisor, fist clenching at his sides. 

His fists slammed down on the table, the sound echoing through the chamber. “I will not rest until they pay for what they’ve done.” Lord James spat, his voice trembling with rage. 

Uneasy glances were exchanged between the advisors, unsure of how to respond to Lord James’ outburst. Lord Barnes, James’ father, and more seasoned commander cleared his throat and spoke carefully.

“James, we understand your pain and anger. But, we must remain focused on rebuilding and ensuring the safety of Winter’s Reach. Vengeance, while justified, cannot cloud your judgment or priorities.” 

“Very well, Father,” Lord James’ said, his voice firm but laced with pain. “We will rebuild, strengthen our defenses. Winter’s Reach needs us now more than ever.” 

The advisors and his father nodded in agreement, their resolve matched that of their young lord. Together, they turned their focus back to the tasks at hand, determined to store Winter’s Reach. 

However, Lord James had his own plan simmering in his mind. As the council continued to discuss logistics and strategy, he excused himself, claiming he needed a moment to clear his mind. Understanding the weight of the situation, the advisors and his father did not question his departure. 

Once outside the council chambers, Lord James made his way down to the kennels. Fierce and loyal, the wolves sensed his approach and stirred restlessly. His heart was heavy but resolute as he selected the strongest, most capable among them. With his wolves at his side, he ascended the stairs to your chambers. 

He paused at the threshold, the scent of fear lingered in the air, and memories of the last time he entered flooded his mind as his heart ached. Sensing their master’s turmoil, the wolves whined softly. Steeling himself, Lord James entered the room, guiding the wolves to the torn nightgown and the blood-stained sheets. He waited for them to pick up the scent, their keen noses twitching as they locked onto the trail. 

Leading them out of the Reach and into the night, he was satisfied that they had the scent. Hanging high in the sky, the full moon cast an eerie glow over the landscape. Lord James rode Alpine with purpose, the wolves beside him, their eyes glowing with a predatory gleam. 

As they made their way through the forest, the scent grew stronger, leading them closer to the one who had brought such pain and devastation. Lord James’ resolve hardened with every step Alpine took. 

The soft padding of the wolves’ paws and the rustle of leaves under hooves, were the only sounds against the night. He felt a cold, fierce determination settling over him, he would avenge you, and he would bring the attacker to justice. 

The wolves moved deeper into the first as the scent grew stronger. Their keen senses led them unerringly toward their quarry. Soon, Lord James’ came upon a small clearing where a campfire flickered weakly. Eerie shadows cast across the surrounding trees.

Hunched over and muttering to himself, was the man who had shattered the peace of Winter’s Reach. Looking up, his eyes widened with fear as he sensed the presence of the wolves, a moment before he saw Lord James. 

“You stole something from me,” Lord James spoke, his voice a low, dangerous growl under his mouth guard. 

Panic flickered across the man’s face as he scrambled to his feet. “I don’t even know who the fuck you are.” 

Dismounting Alpine, Lord James took a step forward, his gaze cold and unyielding as he removed the mouth guard. “The White Wolf.” 

Fear dawned in the attacker’s eyes as recognition flickered within them. But, it was too late. The Lord raised a hand to his lips and let out a sharp, piercing whistle. Eyes glinting in the moonlight, the wolves sprang into action. 

With no time to react, the wolves were upon the man, their teeth bared and growls ferocious. He screamed, the sound of pure terror, as the wolves dragged him to the ground. Lord James watched, a smirk etched across his lips as his face contoured into a mask of grim satisfaction. 

He approached the writhing figure on the ground, watching as the wolves tore into the man, their fury matched Lord James’ own. The sound of his screams echoed throughout the forest, yet there was no one to hear them, no one to come save the man from the retribution of the White Wolf and his pack. 

Standing over the scene, Lord James’ heart was heavy but resolute. He had vowed to you that he would protect you, to avenge you, and now he had taken the first step toward fulfilling his promise. 

With a final commanding whistle, Lord James called the wolves off as the attacker’s screams eventually began to face. The wolves obediently retreated, their muzzles stained with blood, and their eyes glinting with the same predatory gleam. 

Looking down at the motionless figure on the forest ground, the wolves stood watch, their breaths visible in the cold midnight air. They maintained a protective circle around their master. 

His mind was a tumult of rage and sorrow, and he stared down at the attacker– The man who had stolen from the one person he loved most. For that, he deserved no mercy.

Lord James knelt beside the man with a cold determination. His hand gripped the hilt of his sword, and he unsheathed it with a steely resolve. The blade reflected the light of the moon, illuminating the unyielding resolve in Lord James’ eyes. 

“This is for the pain you caused,” he whispered, carrying a weight of his anger and grief. “For the innocence you stole, for the fear you instilled, and for the life you shattered.” 

Barely conscious, the man looked up at the lord with terror-filled eyes. Lord James raised his sword as the man tried to speak, to plead, but no words came. His blade was poised to strike.

“For Winter’s Reach,” he murmured, his voice unwavering. “For my lady.” 

With a swift, decisive motion, James brought his sword down. Cutting cleanly, the blade served the attacker’s head from his body. 

The forest fell silent. The only sound remaining was the faint rustle of leaves in the breeze.

His breath came in ragged gasps as the reality of what he had done settled over him, as he stood. He had exacted his revenge, taking a life, and in doing so, had upheld the honor of Winter’s Reach. Yet, his victory felt hollow, his actions pressing heavily on his soul. 

Nuzzling him in silent support, the wolves came to Lord James’ side as they sensed the shift in his demeanor. Sheathing his sword, Lord James’ gaze lingered on the lifeless body for a moment long before turning away. Nodding down at the eldest of the wolves. 

“Home,” he said softly to the wolves, his voice heavy as he mounted Alpine once more that night. 

The lord’s thoughts were consumed with you as he made his way back to the Reach. He thought of the pain you had endured and the healing that still lay ahead. He knew the journey was far from over, but for now, he had done what he needed to do. 

As he approached Winter’s Reach, the sight brought a sense of bittersweet relief. He had avenged you, but now he faced the challenge of helping you head, the rebuilding of trust and security that had been so brutally taken from you. 

Entering the grounds, the wolves still at his side, he guided them back to the kennels and settled Alpine back in her stable. He made his way to his chambers, pausing outside the door, steadying his breath before stepping inside. 

Sitting by the window, your gaze distant and haunted. You turned to see him standing there, and a flicker of understanding crossed your face. Suspicion of what he had done, the justice he had sought in the darkness of the forest Yet, you chose not to comment, the silent acknowledgment passing between you. 

Lord James moved to be by your side, his voice gentle and reassuring. “You should get some rest, my love,” he softly urged, his eyes full of concern and love.

The weight of exhaustion lay heavily on your shoulders as you nodded. You moved slowly to the bed and settled in. Lord James watched you for a moment, as he respected your space, he longed with the desire to comfort you, to hold you close. He knew you needed time, and rest to begin healing. 

The flickering flames of the fireplace cast a warm glow over the room as he sat in the nearby chair. He kept watch, his eyes never straying far from you as you lay in bed, drifting into an uneasy sleep. 

The night had been long and harrowing, but in the quiet of his chambers, there was a sense of fragile peace. Lord James vowed silently to himself that he would ensure that the future held nothing but light and love for both of you. He would stand by you, and protect you, and as the dawn broke over Winter’s Reach, he promised a new beginning, a glimmer of hope in the wake of the darkness that had passed.

---

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[sempersirens]

a bird in your teeth, III

masterlist

summary: joel deals with the aftermath of a traumatic experience

pairing: joel miller x f!reader

warnings: 18+, mdni, neighbour!joel, age gap: reader is early-mid 20s, joel early 30s. no break-out. reference to past SA, trauma, nightmares, general symptoms of PTSD. eventual smut

a/n: hello lovelies! slightly longer part ahead. i've decided to make the next part the final installment of this mini-series, i wanted to explore some more intimate aspects between joel and reader that didn't quite fit here. i hope you enjoy! <3

word count: 3.5k

The sweet chirping of birdsong felt like Mother Nature was playing a cruel joke on you as you stood on the side of the street, arms hugged tightly around yourself. You felt as though the birds were laughing down at you, cackling at your wretched state, sharing an inside joke at your expense. As dawn drew in, her rosy fingers pulled at the remnants of the night's sky. The beauty of the orange and pink hues was wasted on you. To you, it served as a reminder that even as a new day rolled in, the memories swarming your mind wouldn't fade quite as swiftly.

When Joel's truck came hurtling towards you, all notion of time had faded away. You couldn't tell if seconds, hours, or even days had passed since you had lowered your phone from your face. Fifty dawns and dusks could've gone by for all you cared.

The heat from your pumping heart manifested into a blush that crept up your cheeks, and the consequence of your damsel-in-distress phone call settled in your gut.

Joel was here. You had called him, and he had come.

"What happened?" His expression was stern, hair disheveled, and flannel shirt almost comically misbuttoned. You would've laughed if you could remember how.

He grazed your bloody lip with this thumb.

"Sweetheart, what happened?"

"This was a mistake..." You became aware of his hands now on your arms. "Please, don't touch me."

The words tumbling out of your mouth must've sounded as limp and pathetic as you felt. Joel's eyes softened into confusion, and then concern. You didn't have the energy to pull away, but you couldn't bring yourself to look him in the eye anymore. You feared his gaze would open every locked door inside of you and allow the mess to collapse onto him.

He said your name, softly, removing you from his grip and opening the passenger door.

"Let me take you home."

As you had done all night, you silently obliged. Joel guided you into the truck, his hand hovering over the crown of your head. He closed the door gently and made his way into the driver's seat, starting the ignition in silence. Was he angry? You couldn't work it out. His knuckles were wrapped so tightly around the steering wheel they had turned white.

"Joel, please don't be angry with me."

"I'm not angry. I'm taking you back to my place, gonna get you cleaned up, and then when you're ready..."

"Is Sarah okay?" You interrupted.

"Sound asleep. I gotta take her to school in a coupl'a hours, but I'll come straight back to you."

This wasn't right. You shook your head in soft defiance, staring at your lap where your hands sat, fingers interlocked. As you thought of all the trouble you had caused him, you noticed your thumbnails digging into your hands so sharply that you had drawn blood. You turned your palms shakily onto your bare thighs to hide the fresh droplets.

"Honey, where are your shoes?"

Joel's soft inquiry snapped you out of your trance; you hadn't even realized you'd left those fucking cowboy boots on the bedroom floor in your rush out of the front door.

"I left them... I-I didn't think to..." Your breathing became erratic again, chest heaving with each rise and fall feeling like a weight was crushing into your ribcage.

"Hey, hey hey. Breathe. You're with me. You're safe with me, you know that." He reached across your lap and squeezed your still interlocked hands, filling his lungs with air and then exhaling slowly through his mouth like he was a midwife guiding you through childbirth.

You copied his rhythmic breaths, focusing on the emerging purple colors now littering the sky. It was cruel for the sky above you to be so warm and inviting.

You wished for an English February; for thick layers of ice coating the ground with black ice hidden underneath. You wanted it to be the cold that had caused your muscles to freeze, or the harshness of a dry wind to be clawing down your throat. You wished you could blame the weather for the way your body was reacting.

Of all people, you didn't want Joel to see you as weak. You internally reprimanded yourself for pulling him out of his home, away from his daughter to come and save you. Your body and soul had never taken to relying on others easily. Who had you become? You were supposed to be strong. You moved across the world all by yourself, for god's sake.

"What's goin' on in that head of yours?"

"Everything."

The remainder of the journey was silent.

Joel pulled into his driveway, soon exiting the truck and jogging to your side to help you out.

"Easy, darlin'."

He carried your handbag on one arm and looped the other to support your waist. With his free hand, he unlocked the door and closed it quietly behind him.

"Sarah's not gonna be up for another couple hours, you go make yourself comfortable in my bedroom, I'll bring everything y'need."

You gave him a pathetic nod before traipsing up the stairs you had watched Sarah scurrying up only six hours ago. Despite your years of friendship with the Millers, you had never actually gone into Joel's bedroom. You had snuck a peek or two inside whenever the door was left ajar if you passed on your way to the bathroom, but had never set foot inside.

His bedsheets were haphazardly thrown back, half dangling onto the carpeted floor. The fan on his dresser was still humming, sending ripples through his pillowcases. You were reluctant to make yourself at home as he had instructed, so perched on the edge of his bed eyeing the posters dotted on his walls. His bedroom looked like it hadn't changed since his 20s, reminding you of how young he must've been when he started a new life to bring up Sarah in a home he could call his own.

Joel appeared at the door, shutting it softly behind him. He was balancing a steaming mug and a first aid kit in one hand, and some pillows from the sofa under his other arm. He set the mug down on the nightstand beside his bed. Tears swelled in the corner of your eyes at what you recognized as the Yorkshire Tea he kept stocked in the cupboard, especially for you.

"Want you to sit back and get real comfy, alright?"

"Okay."

You hesitantly lifted your legs to rest on the bed, shuffling backward towards the headboard. Joel set the first aid kit at the foot of the bed and leaned over to place the pillows behind your back.

"That okay?"

You nodded your head without looking directly at him.

Wordlessly, Joel walked around to the other side of the bed, setting himself down with a barely audible groan. He brought the first aid kit into his lap and started sifting through the contents.

"You mind if I take a look at your lip?"

"No. I mean - that's fine."

You parted your lips slightly, Joel's fingers lifting your chin up towards him.

"Washed m'hands, promise."

He pulled your bottom lip down to inspect the wound, cleaning the now-dried blood from your chin. The silence in his bedroom made his touch even more intense. You'd felt his hand on your waist, or accidentally brush past your bare skin now and then, but this... You had never been touched by anybody like this before. His eyebrows were furrowed tightly as he put all of his focus into handling you with care.

You had been with your fair share of guys before; boyfriends, one-night-stands, whatever. But the way you felt under Joel's gaze in this moment, holding your chin between his thumb and index finger, made you feel like nobody had ever truly touched you before. Like you were brand new. It made you want to sob. You had to start regulating your breathing again to prevent your lip from wobbling, shattering your impenetrable exterior.

"M'I hurtin' you?"

Finding courage hidden somewhere deep inside of you, you leveled your gaze with his. This close to his face, you could've sworn you saw his pupils dilate.

"No. It's fine, thank you."

"You're doin' so well, honey. Keep breathin' for me." He moved his thumb to stroke your jaw as he spoke.

"I'm sorry, Joel."

"Don't say that. This ain't your fault."

"How can you say that? You don't even know what happened."

"Don't need to. But, I'd be grateful if you'd be so kind as t'fill me in."

You sucked a breath in and brought your knees up to your chest. The birds outside the window began mocking you with their song again.

"You get in a fight? W'that friend of yours who picked you up earlier?"

Oh god. He really had no clue.

"No, nothing like that."

"Somethin' while you were out? Sweetheart, someone had t'have busted your lip like that?"

"I said no."

"So what, you don't remember? You taken somethin'? You're scarin' me, darlin'."

He was pleading. It was dripping all over his face, this deep despair searching your features for the answers your voice couldn't quite give him.

"No, I do. I mean- I said it, I said no. To a guy. O-one second I was falling asleep and then... he was just there, Joel. He appeared out of nowhere. I thought he had gone home. And I was saying no but he was all over me. He was everywhere."

Hot tears were streaming down your cheeks, a dichotomy of relief and anguish flooding through your veins so intensely that any hope of maintaining a stoic facade had long washed away.

You didn't make a sound as you sobbed. Your entire body jerked with each breath, snot ungraciously dripping onto your upper lip. It didn't matter. Joel wrapped you into him without hesitation, your face nestled against his shoulder. He rocked you in his arms, back and forth, back and forth. Your sobs intensified into his t-shirt, eyes squeezed shut. You could feel the tears clinging onto the material, but all he did was hold you tighter.

"Oh, baby girl. It's okay, I got you. I got you now."

"I'm so sorry, Joel." You choked the words out.

"Don't you dare apologize. You let everythin' go. Give all that hurt t'me. I'll take it for you."

Joel pulled you into his lap, your legs collapsed underneath you. He placed a hand on either side of your face, holding you inches away from his own. He had never seen you like this. It shattered his damn heart. He had to keep blinking to fend off his own tears.

“You did the right thing, callin’ me.”

Every inch of him wanted to go back in time to you lingering in the doorway and ask you to stay the night. Hell, he would've gone back to that first time he saw you and taken you in his arms like a sailor returning home from years at sea. The only reason he'd even had the courage to turn up at your front door, mumbling something about burgers, was because Sarah had caught him peeking at you through the curtains for the first few days of you moving in. If you like her so much, why don't you ask her on a date? She had asked so innocently. But she was right; it was that simple. He fired up the grill before straightening himself up and jogging across the street. A Glenn Campbell record had been echoing through your house, something he found even more endearing when he was struck by that accent of yours.

He wanted to tell you that the reason none of his first dates made it to a second was because none of them were you. He was setting these poor women up to fail; how could they ever compete with you?

But right now, you were here. Safe in his arms. He was going to do everything in his power to bring that light back into your eyes.

An hour or so passed like that. You pressed against his chest, falling in and out of a dreamless sleep, Joel's fingers grazing soothing patterns on your arm.

The sound of Sarah's bedroom door closing jolted you awake.

"Ssh, it's okay. S'just Sarah getting ready t'head out. Gimme a minute to go say good mornin'."

You nodded in response, mustering a small smile.

You felt tiny alone in his bed, the absence of his body leaving you feeling hollow. You pulled the covers up to your chin and drew you knees up to your chest, dreading to think what Joel would tell Sarah. She called me in the middle of the damn night, what was I s'posed to do? Maybe she'll get the hint and leave. Imagined narratives swarmed your mind.

Why was it so hard for you to accept his help?

"Oh my god," you gasped, sitting up. "Daisy."

In your state, you had left her there all alone. Mark seemed like a nice enough guy, but didn't they all?

You reached for your handbag hanging off of Joel's door handle and searched for your phone.

14 missed calls. You tapped your foot against the floor anxiously as the dialing tone sounded.

"Moooornin' Ms. Cocktease. How's ya head?" She chirped, the relief that engulfed you allowed your body to slack back onto the bed.

"I am so glad to hear your voice." You breathed.

"That's romantic. You gonna tell me what had you scurrying off in such a hurry at 3am? Y'left your damn boots behind."

"I was... really worried about missing my 9am. It's with my thesis supervisor."

"Sweetheart, a love you but you gotta learn to relax once in a while. Let off some steam! Unclench your jaw, woman."

"I know, I know. I'll work on it."

"How'd you get home, anyway?"

"Oh, um. I called a cab."

"I feel like you're lyin', and I intend to find out what's goin' on. I swear to god if you're fuckin' that old man I'm not gonna know whether to be proud or-"

"Listen, babe, I'm glad you had a good night. Give me all the gritty details over coffee tomorrow?"

"Oh fine. Enjoy your meeting."

The line disconnected as Joel re-entered the room.

"Hey, sweetheart. I'm gonna drop Sarah to school, but I'll be right back. Need me to pick you anythin' up from your place?"

"No, that's okay. I should get out of your hair-"

"I'll be right back."

He walked over and placed a kiss on the top of your head.

---

Joel couldn't concentrate for the entire drive back to his place. He had to pass the street he had picked you up from hours prior to get to and from Sarah's school. The image of you standing there so broken, now knowing exactly why, filled him with grief for the version of you he knew and adored. He wished he had known there and then what you had endured. He knew how strong and capable you were of looking after yourself, so he had to fight every urge to raid each block of flats along the street to find the guy who had done this to you.

He flexed his knuckles back and forth over the steering wheel, forcing himself to go straight home. Back to you. However you decided to deal with this, whether it be today or in five years' time, he would be behind you.

What he would do to find that pathetic excuse for a man, that boy, and slowly take each finger off that he had dared to touch you with. He would make him hurt in ways he didn't even know he could feel pain.

Joel's mind flicked back to the image of you breaking down in his arms and he sucked a breath in to steady himself. He wished he could take all of your pain away and alter the course of the last six hours to have you waking up in his arms unscathed.

He returned home to find you curled up asleep in his bed sheets. He crept under the cover next to you, about to pull you back into his arms when you started thrashing your arms and legs.

"No, stop!" You murmured, still fast asleep.

"Sweetheart, it's me. Hey, hey, hey. It's me. It's Joel." He spoke, holding your face between his hands to try to coax you out of your nightmare.

"Wake up, darlin'. You gotta wake up. It's me, you're safe."

Your eyes finally widened, consumed with fear and confusion. You searched your surroundings and backed away from Joel's grip, still calculating where you were and what the threat was.

"You're okay. Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby."

"Joel... I'm sorry, I-"

"Stop apologizing, I'm sorry. I didn't mean t'scare you, honey."

You sat in silence for a few minutes, slowing your breathing back down and ridding the sound of blood pumping in your ears.

"Do you mind if I have a bath, please?"

"Anything. I'll run you one now. Sarah has some o'that fancy girl soap if you want?"

You smiled softly.

"Sure, that sounds nice. Thank you, Joel."

Before heading to the bathroom, he placed a small kiss on your forehead, lingering with his lips on your skin for longer than he had before. Your eyes fluttered closed as you listened to his footsteps out of the bedroom.

Part of you was desperate to scrub away Elijah's touch until your skin was raw. But, another part of you didn't want Joel's smell to fade from you. In his arms his scent had consumed you, replacing the smell of your laundry detergent with his.

You squeezed your eyes tightly and shook your head.

Stop this. You're projecting onto him. He's looking out for you out of the kindness of his heart and you're taking advantage of it.

You tried to distract yourself from the fixating on the feeling of Joel's lips against your skin by shedding last night's clothes and replacing them with his dressing gown. Which of course also stunk of him. Great.

"S'ready." He called.

Catching sight of you in his dressing gown, Joel had to remind himself to close his mouth.

"Suits you." He smiled.

The bathwater was obscenely pink, bubbles almost escaping over the side of the tub.

Joel stood uneasily as you smiled at the domesticity of the scene.

"I'll give ya some privacy. Make myself busy downstairs. You just holler if y'need me, alright?"

"Joel, wait. Would you... it's stupid."

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"Would you sit with me? I really don't want to be alone."

Joel’s response came so quickly you didn’t even have time to feel bad for being so forward.

"Of course I will. You get yourself comfortable, I'll wait outside the door."

You discarded his dressing gown onto the floor, sinking into the warm tub. You ran some more hot water, feeling unsatisfied until the water was hot enough to leave your skin red wherever it touched.

"Come in." You called, your torso submerged underneath the bubbles with just your collarbones and toes poking out of the pink waters.

Under any other circumstance, he would've dropped to his knees by the side of the tub and told you that he had never seen someone look so perfect before. Your flushed cheeks and hair bundled behind your head against the tiles made Joel feel like he was staring at an oil painting in a gallery.

He adored you. Fuck it, he was in love with you. From the very beginning.

Joel lowered himself onto the closed toilet seat, arms resting on his knees.

"Temperature okay?" Was all he could muster.

"I added a bit more hot, I hope that's okay."

"You women and your damn hot water." He teased. "S'absolutely fine, honey."

Neither of you spoke for a little while, you rested your head back and soaked in Joel's protective presence.

"Can I ask you somethin'?"

"Of course, Joel."

"Did he..."

"No. It's funny actually, he couldn't get it up." You said dryly.

"But he tried?"

"Yeah, he tried."

"I'll kill him."

Joel's protectiveness overwhelmed you, feeling for the first time in your life that you had someone unconditionally in your corner. You lifted your arms from the water to cover your face in embarrassment, revealing finger-shaped bruises that had formed on both of your upper arms.

"Fuck," he breathed when he caught sight of the way you had been mistreated.

He knelt down beside the bathtub, gently pulling your hands away from your face.

"What can I do, honey?" He searched your face for an answer. "Tell me how to take all this away for you."

"Joel, you've done so much already. More than I could ever ask from you."

"I just wanna fix it."

By nature, Joel was a fixer. He patched up Sarah's knees and elbows after soccer games. He bailed Tommy out of jail more times than he would admit. Hell, he even fixed things for work. It was what he did.

"I want you to take me back there." You exhaled a breath you didn't realize you had been holding. "To the apartment. I need to go back."

"Y'sure that's a good idea?"

"I am. But I need to go in alone. I just want to know you'll be waiting outside for me if I need you."

"Sweetheart, I'll always come when you call."

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

We'll give it a shot

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 30/31

Prompt: New year's resolutions

Rated: G

CW: aftermath of injury; aftermath of trauma

Tags: Established relationship; recovery; fluff

Notes: Continued from days 3 and 18 - @house-of-the-moving-image and I just wanted them to be happy after all we put them through. 😭❤️

Steve has always been all movement, all fluid grace, for as long as Eddie remembers. On the pitch, in the pool. Shielding others with his own body, his strength. He was proud of this. It was the one thing he knew he was good at.

And then Vecna nearly twisted his limbs from his body. Broke his arm in three different places, his leg in five.

“They say I'll need to be patient,” Steve tells Eddie a few months after everything, hands tangled over the middle console of the van. It's late December and they're on their way back from physical therapy. “Could be months before I walk without crutches. Years maybe before I'm back to the way I was before… or close.”

Eddie clenches his free hand around the steering wheel, like Steve clung to that stupid handrail earlier. White-knuckled and pale-faced, jaw locked tight as he struggled to take a few shaky steps. Not for the first time, he wishes that he'd been faster, pulled him out sooner-

“Eds.”

He snaps back to the present as if pulled by a bungee rope. Steve’s eyes are warm and soft.

“Stop it,” he says, gentle and firm and so very strong, so very Steve. Eddie needs to swallow against the sudden thickness clogging his throat. “You've nothing to hold against yourself. You saved me.”

“You saved yourself,” Eddie huffs, eyes stubbornly trained on the snowy road. “I helped, is all. You can do this, too. You'll be walking in no time, you just wait.”

“Dunno,” Steve mutters. He sounds so small, so broken, so very much not like himself, and Eddie wishes he could resurrect Vecna, simply to kill him again. Make it more painful this time, let him suffer like he made them suffer. “You saw me just now. Feels like I need to fight forever for every little inch of success.”

“Let's make a deal?”

The words are out before Eddie can think better of it, but the sadness on Steve’s face has given way to curiosity, so he shoulders on.

“We could make it a new year's resolution. If you manage to walk by … July, let's say, I'll quit smoking.”

“Oh, please!” Steve's eyebrow quirks. “As if you could.”

“Of course I could. I'm tired of you whining about my cigarette breath anyhow. What's wrong, big boy? Scared of getting your ass handed to you?”

“Fuck off,” Steve grouses, but his mouth is curling into a smile and his eyes are sparkling. “It's on, dude!”

“Hell, yeah!” Eddie makes no attempt at hiding his smug grin. Count on Steve’s competitive streak to win him over. “It's so on!”

*

“Oh God,” Steve squawks the second his hands lose contact with the crutches. “It's off. Eds, it's off, give’m here.”

“Nuh-uh!” Eddie dances a step back - not far, still close enough to catch Steve in case he falls, but far enough to keep the crutches out of reach. “Just give it a shot, c’mon. You got this.”

Over the distance between them, their eyes meet.

“I've gotcha.”

Steve's eyes light up and a small laugh bubbles from his throat.

And then he walks.

Eddie makes sure to stay a bit ahead, spouting a never-ending string of encouragement and jokes and sweet nonsense. Just keeps talking so that Steve can focus on something other than the fear and the doubt. Guides him with his voice like he's done before, like he'll keep doing for as long as Steve needs, as long as he wants.

The first steps are unsure and wobbly, but soon enough, Steve finds his footing. They've both kicked off their shoes, and the dry summer grass is brittle under their naked feet, the earth soft and warm. The sound of their footfalls mingles with the whirr of the cicadas in the grass, the rush of his own blood in his ears, their mingled laughter, a gorgeous, wonderful symphony of alive, alive, alive.

When Steve’s legs give out and he stumbles, Eddie is there. He cushions their fall with his own body and they go down in a tangle of limbs and laughter, lips meeting before they even hit the ground. The crutches go clattering somewhere to the side.

“I did it!” Steve gasps against his mouth, and Eddie can't tell if the sound is more laugh or more sob. “Shit, did you- did you see that? I did it!”

“You did it,” Eddie rumbles, hands in Steve's hair, kissing his lips and nose and eyes and anything he can reach between words. Both their cheeks are wet with tears, but they're good tears, finally good tears, and he can’t tell whose they are anymore. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that they’re alive, and here, and together. “Fuck yeah, you did, always knew you would. So strong, so amazing. Love you so much.”

Steve makes another sound, a raw thing so full of emotion it makes Eddie’s heart flutter, and crashes their lips together again, firmer, longer. Eddie sighs as a hesitant tongue coaxes at his lips, opens up, lets him in.

And then Steve groans and pulls back.

“What?” Eddie asks, insides twisting with worry. “Shit, did you hurt yourself? What-”

“‘m fine!” Steve wheezes, glancing up at him with watery eyes. “You just taste like an ashtray, is all.”

“Oh, c'mon!” Eddie grouses while Steve rolls off him, flops onto his back in the grass. “I had like half a cig this morning.”

“Half a cig too much, then,” Steve beams up at him, all glinting teeth and gold-streaked hair in the sunlight, eyes sparkling with mirth and alive, alive, alive. “I win.”

Eddie pouts. “What though? Can't remember agreeing on a prize, this was all fun and-”

One strong, nimble hand tangles in the collar of his shirt, pulls him in.

“Shut up and kiss me, ash breath.”

Eddie has never obeyed an order more gladly in his life.

All my holiday drabbles

[makeitastrength]

Do you truly think they will get back together?

I really do, anon! With some other couples my answer wouldn’t be so confident, but Tim and Lucy have proven before that they have what it takes to make it through this.

Let’s start with Tim. Yes, he’s in a really bad place right now. But he’s shown us (and Lucy) over and over again that he’s able and willing to change. Every single time she’s called him out on his behavior, he has eventually accepted responsibility for it, learned from it, and changed it. Already, in the aftermath of this breakup, he’s accepted that he needs help. I fully anticipate that he will reach the point of being able to understand and accept what he’s done and take responsibility for it as well and work to make sure it doesn't happen again.

He’s also earned Lucy’s trust before. At the beginning she didn’t trust him at all - justifiably, given how volatile he was. But as he healed, he became someone she could trust on the job. And eventually outside of the job. She’s seen him change. She knows he’s capable of it. And I think once they’re communicating better and she understands what triggered him to walk away from her, she'll also be able to see that he's putting in the work to ensure he doesn't stay in this place where he might make the same decision again. With that understanding and seeing the changes, she'll be able to begin rebuilding trust.

And let’s not forget (something @timandlucy pointed out to me earlier) that Tim forgave Isabel. She disappeared, stole from him, lied, and cheated, yet Tim was willing to forgive her. He knows what it's like to be in that position. And again, I think once he’s in a better place, he’s going to understand that Lucy now has to do what he once did and that it’s not going to be easy.

Along those lines, let's talk about Lucy. From day one, it's been made clear that empathy is a core piece of who she is. She understands that people make bad decisions when they're in a bad place, but that this doesn't define who they are as a person. She’s understands why people do the things they do. She believes people can change, and she believes in second chances.

And even though right now she doesn't fully understand how deep Tim's issues run, she still knows him. She knows he struggles with his feelings and she knows he carries trauma that he hasn't dealt with. She knows he sometimes makes irrational decisions guided by his heightened emotions. She knows he struggles to ask for help.

But she also knows his heart. She knows he cares deeply. She knows he's willing to do anything for the people he loves (even if it's not actually the right thing to do). Tim is so scared of her finding out what he did and who he is - but the thing he can't see is that she already knows who he is. He says he can't give her what she needs, but again, she knows that's not true. Maybe right now he can't, but he is capable of it and she knows that, too. He just needs help getting to that place.

Is winning her trust back going to be easy? Absolutely not. And I don't want it to be. Lucy has every right to be hurt and angry and protective of her heart. She has every right to set boundaries and demand an adult conversation with him. You can be empathetic without being a pushover.

It's not going to be an easy journey and it's not going to be a quick one. It's gonna take a lot of communication and vulnerability and emotional maturity. But I really truly believe that once they can overcome these issues, they're going to be so much stronger.

(Sorry, that may have been a much longer answer than you were looking for. Long story short, yes. I do.)

[moeitsu]

The Tie Which Linked My Soul To Thee

Ch 15 - When Up The Hilly Slope We Climbed

Summary: Arthur struggles to adjust to his new disabilities. Meanwhile Kate finds a job outside of camp for them, providing a few days respite and some much needed alone time. Arthur finally reveals his feelings.

Ao3  Wattpad Masterlist - All Chapters  Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

A/N: Sorry this one has taken me a bit long folks! I've been super busy w/ work and moving into a new apartment. This chapter was supposed to be broken up into two days, but it's super long already (12.5k words). So day 2 will be apart of chapter 16.

TW: Slight nsfw, some steamy moments and kissing but nothing graphic. Implied ptsd and anxiety, night terrors.

Tag List: @photo1030 @ariacherie @thatweirdcatlady @ultraporcelainpig @marygillisapologist @eternalsams

**please let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters!

Story Tags: Widowed, Original Character(s), High-Honor!Arthur Morgan, Arthur Morgan Does Not Have Tuberculosis, Arthur Morgan Deserves Happiness, Chubby!Arthur Morgan, Canon Divergence, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Eventual Smut, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Emotional Sex, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort,Touch-Starved, Sexual Tension, Friends to Lovers, Child Loss, Infant Death, Trauma, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Torture, Blood and Violence, Survivor Guilt, Aftermath of Torture, Caretaking, Injury Recovery, Period-Typical Racism, Anxiety, Self-Hatred, Night Terrors, Emotional Constipation, Self-Doubt, Men Crying, Bathing/Washing, Sweet/Hot, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff

Wide open plains stretched out as far as the eye could see, a sea of golden grasses swaying gently in the breeze. The cool wind rustled through Arthur's hair, carrying with it the scents of earth and freedom. Beneath him, the powerful, rhythmic breathing of his horse was a comforting constant, each hoofbeat a reminder of the boundless horizon that beckoned. The cold iron on his hip, always loaded and ready, was a familiar weight, a testament to the life he had chosen—a life of danger and defiance, a bandit perpetually on the run from the law. His deadeye and quickdraw ability were crucial in these untamed wild lands. 

Nights were always spent around a crackling campfire, the warm smell of fresh meat sizzling over the flames mingling with the rich, smoky aroma of burning wood. Somewhere deep in the heartlands, under a blanket of swirling, twinkling stars, the heavens seemed to watch over them with a knowing smile. A beautiful woman sat by Arthur's side, her voice a soothing melody that wove through the night air, her eyes reflecting the flickering firelight with a bright, mesmerizing glow. 

These were the moments Arthur cherished, the simple yet profound pleasures of a life lived on the edge. It was not a perfect life, but it was his, and he owned every moment of it. This was the life Arthur had always known—a life that now is nothing more than a distant dream. 

—

It had been over a month since the day he was bushwhacked by Colm’s men, a day that had shattered the illusion of invincibility he had once held. The wounds on his body mirrored the scars on his spirit, each one a reminder of a brutal reality that had forever altered his existence.

Arthur’s fever broke shortly before the last of the antibiotics ran out, a small victory that brought a wave of relief. The gang, though worn down by worry, had always believed in Arthur’s resilience. His recovery, quicker than anyone expected, seemed almost miraculous. Kate remained by his side those crucial first few days after he woke up. She helped him walk on his injured ankle, offering a steady arm for support, and guided him through exercises for his left shoulder, her presence a constant source of encouragement. To her, Arthur was nothing short of a miracle. To Arthur, however, it felt more like a punishment. If not a death sentence for his sins, then a disability. 

The feeling in his hand gradually returned, but a persistent dull ache haunted his arm whenever he moved his shoulder too much. And a warm throbbing often emitted from the site where the bullet had lodged into his flesh. On particularly strenuous days, an obnoxious tingling in his fingers, as if millions of tiny pins were stabbing into his skin, tormented him. Despite Kate’s efforts with physical therapy, he found himself unable to lift his arm above his head. No matter how hard he tried, his arm would tremble with the strain of effort. Kate assured him that it might improve with time, but Arthur was already swirling in doubt.

From the moment he woke up, Arthur insisted on being up and about. Having spent too much time confined to his cot, he longed to feel useful again and be a part of the group. Kate warned him that he still needed time to rest his ankle, but Arthur didn’t listen. Determined to regain his independence, he pushed himself to move around the camp. Kate, seeing his stubbornness, fashioned a crutch for him to use when he wanted to walk.

Arthur ignored the throbbing pain shooting up his leg for as long as he could. The first few days were the hardest, each step sending jolts of agony through his body. He clenched his teeth, determined not to let anyone see how much he was hurting. The gang watched him with a mix of admiration and concern, most of them offering support whenever they could.

Yet, the pain never seemed to cease. It became like a parasite gnawing away at his resolve. Whether it was the persistent dull ache of his shoulder and arm or the splintering agony in his ankle, Arthur’s body was never granted a moment's rest, not even in sleep. His nights were fragmented by vivid nightmares, a cruel reminder of the torture that had shattered his once peaceful evenings. Sleep, when it came, was fitful and brief, leaving him exhausted and irritable.

Arthur’s misery seemed to contrast sharply with the relief of the other gang members. They commended his survival, their laughter and cheer as a stark reminder of how isolated he felt. He knew he should be grateful, but instead, he felt like a different man—a shell of his former self. The transformation turned him into a frustrated grouch, snapping at those who simply wanted to help him.

Every attempt to regain his independence was met with well-meaning interference. “Let me get that for you,” someone would say, whether he was trying to fix a meal, complete a chore, or simply light a cigarette. Each offer of assistance, though kindly intended, only deepened his sense of uselessness.

Arthur now sat alone, perched upon a wooden chair outside his tent, nursing a cup of bitter hot coffee. The morning air was refreshing, the brief release before the dry heat of Lemoyne settled in for the day. The sounds of mourning doves waking up mixed with the usual clatter of morning camp activities, as everyone gathered for breakfast and prepared for the long day ahead. Arthur watched them move about from beneath the brim of his hat, its shade shielding his eyes from the bright golden sun. He idly flexed his left hand and rolled his wrist, a new habit he had formed to find some relief from the constant tingling sensation in his fingers.

The camp buzzed with familiar routines. He watched the girls collecting laundry and bringing heavy baskets to the water's edge. Javier and Lenny were engaged in a lively game of dominos, their laughter punctuating the morning air. Behind them, Pearson hummed softly to himself as he cracked eggs over a pan, the aroma of cooking breakfast wafting through the camp. In the distance, Bill’s voice could be heard taunting Kieran as he tended to the horses. Everything was as it should be, exactly how Arthur remembered it. But now, instead of being a part of it, he simply watched with growing envy.

Arthur was so deeply lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the sound of Kate returning to camp. She had been gone with Charles and Sadie, hunting together for nearly three days. He missed her presence dearly; she was one of the few people he could tolerate amidst his pain. Arthur knew of the sacrifices she made for him, and continued to make. He could only hope to be given half the chance to repay his gratitude. She had become a constant source of relief and comfort. Kate’s brief absence had left a void, one that he felt acutely every day.

Kate approached quietly, taking in the sight of Arthur sitting alone. She could see the tension in his shoulders, the way he flexed his recovering hand, and her heart ached for him. She knew how hard it was for him to feel sidelined, to watch life go on without him being able to fully participate. But she couldn't help but feel immensely relieved with each passing day, Arthur was alive after all. A testament to his spirit, as well as her own dedication. 

“Good morning,” Kate called out softly, her voice a gentle intrusion into Arthur’s trance.

Arthur’s gaze was distant, his side profile illuminated by the golden morning sun. He seemed lost in thought, his mind wandering far beyond the bustling camp around him.

“Arthur,” she repeated, closing the distance between them. This time, he looked up, surprise and relief washing over his features.

“Kate,” he greeted, his voice still hoarse and groggy from a restless night. “Didn’t hear ya come in. How was the hunt?” He lifted his silver cup of coffee to his lips, the steam mingling with the crisp morning air.

Kate took a seat on the trunk at the end of Arthur’s cot, a gesture that brought him a sense of comfort. Her presence calmed his troubled mind. “It went well. We brought back plenty of game. Charles and Sadie are already getting it sorted with Pearson.”

Arthur nodded, his eyes drifting back to the camp. “M’glad you’re back. Place felt emptier without you.”

Kate chuckled, a light, melodic sound that filled the space between them. “I’m sure it did. How’ve you been holding up?” she inquired, her tone gentle but probing. She had been reluctant to leave for the hunt, worried about how Arthur’s condition was affecting him mentally.

Arthur sighed, leaning back in his chair, his tired eyes meeting hers. The vibrant blue of his irises had returned, a sight Kate had dearly missed. “Same as always. Though I haven't moved much from this spot,” he gestured with a shrug of his hand. “Seems like I can’t even pour my own cup of coffee nowadays,” he added with a hint of mockery and sarcasm, his frustration evident.

Kate hummed in acknowledgment, pulling a small folded piece of paper from her pocket. “I’ve got a job for us,” she said finally, not commenting on Arthur’s supposed helplessness.

Arthur perked up slightly in his chair, curiosity lighting up his features. “Really? Doin’ what?” he asked, trying to bite back the eagerness in his voice. He longed to be back in the saddle, away from the confines of camp. 

“Seamus sent me a telegram. His broodmare is going into labor soon, and his family is going to be out of town for a few days. He asked me to watch the place for him and keep an eye on her, in case she has the baby.” Kate smiled, hoping the task would give Arthur a sense of purpose and a much-needed break from camp life. She harbored a silent hope that it would also give Arthur a glimpse of what his life could look like, if he abandoned his title as an outlaw. 

Arthur’s interest was piqued, and he leaned forward, the dull ache in his arm momentarily forgotten. “That sounds like somethin’ I can handle. When do we leave?”

Kate's smile widened, pleased to see a spark of enthusiasm in his eyes. “Let’s head out after breakfast.”

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Eager to leave, Arthur opted to skip breakfast. Determined to feel like his old self, he made his way to his mare, Belle, without hesitation. He could see her white coat gleaming in the distance, reflecting the golden rays of the morning sun. Abandoning the crutch Kate had made for him, he limped forward, gritting his teeth against the pain. He longed for normalcy, for the feeling of being whole and capable again. The next few days promised him the opportunity to work and contribute, and he was damned if he would spend more time resting when he could make himself useful.

Reaching Belle, Arthur whispered soft greetings to her, brushing her sleek coat with gentle strokes. The mare nickered softly, enjoying the attention. He snuck her a couple of oat crackers, watching with a small smile as she eagerly nibbled them from his hand. As he turned to gather his saddle, he heard footsteps approaching and glanced over his shoulder to see Kate.

“I was thinkin’ we’d take Lorena together,” she suggested kindly, her eyes filled with concern.

A twinge of disappointment shot through Arthur. He ached to ride, to feel that sense of freedom he had been missing. “M’fine, Kate. I can still ride,” he answered, a hint of annoyance creeping into his voice. He knew she was only concerned for his well-being, but the idea that he might not be able to ride terrified him more than he cared to admit.

Kate approached Arthur’s side, petting Belle affectionately. “I know you can,” she said matter-of-factly. “It’s Belle I’m worried ‘bout. Kieran and I have tried to saddle her, but she’s still reluctant to leave the camp. I don’t wanna push her if she ain’t ready.”

Arthur gave her a sad but understanding look. He nuzzled Belle’s snout, whispering apologies to her as she nibbled at his hat affectionately. Her familiar warmth and the gentle nudge of her muzzle were comforting, yet a poignant reminder of the torment they shared.

Kate whistled for Lorena, who was only a few feet away, staying protectively close to her companion. “You wanna saddle her up for me?” she asked Arthur, her voice kind but encouraging.

“Sure,” Arthur nodded appreciatively, gathering Kate’s buckles and saddle bags from the hitching post.

Arthur worked quietly as he saddled the large black Hungarian horse. There were moments when he faltered, the weight too much for his weakened arm. But Kate never once interfered. He stumbled and cursed under his breath, frustration simmering beneath his determination. Each setback was met with another attempt, his resolve unwavering. It took him longer than he would have liked, but once Lorena was ready, he felt a small sense of victory.

Kate watched him work, her eyes filled with silent support. She knew better than to offer unsolicited help; Arthur needed to do this on his own. When he finally finished, he gave her a small nod, a flicker of pride in his eyes. Kate grabbed the reins and held them out to Arthur.

A moment of understanding passed between them as Arthur realized Kate was doing this for him. She was giving him the tools to be independent again, one small step at a time. His heart swelled with gratitude, and he couldn’t bite back the smile that spread across his cheeks.

He lifted himself onto the horse slowly from the right side, using his good arm to pull himself up. His ankle throbbed under the weight of his body, but he swallowed the pain. In moments, he was in position, like he had done so a million times before. Poised and ready to take off like a bandit in the night, he felt a spark of the old Arthur Morgan returning.

With his good arm, he reached out a hand to Kate, who accepted the kind gesture with a smile. She settled herself behind him, a stark difference from the last time they rode together, when Arthur’s blood had stained the cracks of her leather saddle. She pushed the haunting memory down and playfully patted Arthur’s thigh. The leather of his chaps was warm beneath her fingers from the summer morning sun.

“I’m ready when you are,” she said joyfully, her voice full of light. Arthur glanced back, flashing her a grin that made her heart skip a beat.

With a click of his tongue, they took off down the vibrant green path that led out of Clemens Point. The rhythmic thudding of Lorena's hooves was like a heartbeat, steady and strong. The morning sun cast long shadows over the landscape, the world awakening around them. Birds sang from the treetops, and the scent of blooming wildflowers filled the air.

Kate's arms wrapped securely around his waist, her presence comforting. The warmth of her touch seeped through his shirt, grounding him in the moment. Arthur felt the wind in his hair and the familiar weight of the reins in his hands. Each stride of the horse brought him a little closer to the man he used to be. The pain in his ankle and arm faded into the background as the thrill of the ride took over.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

They rode past fields of tall grass swaying in the breeze, the golden tips brushing against their legs as if nature itself was greeting them. The sunlight spread through the horizon, painting a warm glow over the countryside. They crossed a sparkling creek, the water bubbling merrily as it wound its way through the terrain, a glistening ribbon of life cutting through the earth. Arthur and Kate shared smiles and stolen glances, their anticipation for what lay ahead growing stronger with each passing mile.

Arthur felt the tension ease from his shoulders, the rhythmic motion of the horse beneath him a familiar sensation. He knew he had been petulant the past couple of weeks, his frustrations spilling over onto the camp members. Guilt gnawed at him, but at this moment, all he could think about was Kate.

Her voice was a soothing sound as she pointed out sights along the way, her laughter blending harmoniously with the hum of nature. It was a healing song to his soul, mending the frayed edges of his spirit in ways he could never have imagined. The warmth of her body pressed against his back, her fingers gently hugging his sides as she held onto him, brought a sense of belonging he had longed for.

For a while, they rode together in a comfortable silence, the only sounds the soft clop of Lorena’s hooves and the rustling of the wind through the grass. The landscape unfurled before them like a tapestry, each new vista more beautiful than the last. Arthur felt a boldness stir within him, a desire to express the gratitude and affection that had been building in his heart.

“Kate?” he called, gathering her attention from whatever had caught her eye in the fields. Her gaze shifted to him, a soft hum of acknowledgment escaping her lips. 

“I’ve said it before, but—” Arthur breathed deeply, sincerity filling his tone. “Thank you. I know takin’ care of me wasn’t easy.”

Kate squeezed his thigh affectionately, her touch a gentle reassurance. “Nothing in life is easy, Arthur. But I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant you’d still be here,” she said softly.

Arthur let her words sink in. She wanted him around. There were days when Arthur thought he had nobody, that he was better off alone or even dead. To hear her say those words filled him with a sense of purpose, a reason to keep fighting. He recalled the night he stumbled upon her letter in his journal. The weight of her confession felt heavy in his satchel now, a constant reminder of the unspoken words between them. He had found the courage to write down his feelings next to hers, but some part of him still lacked the bravery to bring them to light.

“Still don’t think I deserved it,” Arthur mumbled, more to himself than to Kate. Self-doubt simmered beneath his appreciation, a constant shadow in his mind. “You’ll have to let me repay the kindness someday,” he admitted.

Kate smiled, her hand resting warmly on his thigh. “No need to repay it. You can lean on me when things get hard. That’s what friends are for,” she said softly, giving him a gentle squeeze from behind in the saddle. 

Her words from the first night she stayed at camp echoed in his mind, the night he realized he was falling for this extraordinary woman. She had been quietly singing a lullaby to her horse, and unknowingly, to Arthur as well. It was the same night he received a troubling letter from Mary, his heart filled with confusion and ache. Yet her presence brought him a sense of truth he had been longing for. 

Helping others isn’t a weakness, Kate had said, it’s a testament to our humanity.

Those words had struck a chord deep within him. Kate was the most human person Arthur had ever met. She embraced him as he was, with all his flaws and scars, and proved her loyalty and friendship time and time again. She had a way of making him feel seen, understood, and valued—something he rarely experienced in life.

“Can I ask ya for a favor?” he said suddenly, changing the subject.

Kate giggled, her laughter a sweet whisper on the open air. “Of course,” she breathed, curious about his request.

“Will ya sing me somethin’?” Arthur asked, a touch of bashfulness creeping into his tone. He was sure she would sing; Kate loved to sing, and Arthur loved to listen to her. Like the prettiest song bird he ever did hear. 

Kate’s eyes sparkled with surprise and delight. She shifted slightly, tightening her hold around his waist, her breath close against his back. “I’d love to,” she whispered.

Arthur felt a shiver of anticipation as Kate began to sing, her voice soft and melodic. He could feel the breath in her lungs and the vibration of her vocals behind him. The song she chose was an old folk tune, one that was filled with love and sweetness. Her voice floated on the breeze, mingling with the rustling leaves and the distant call of birds. Each note wrapped around Arthur like a warm hug, soothing the lingering stress in his body and soul.

Give you my lovin', seven days a week

I'll be your honey, if you'll be sweet

I know, I'm the only one for you

I know that you think this is not true.

See you in places, I'm followin' you

You'll be upstairs, and I'll be there too

Everywhere you go, I will follow

I know it won't be the same tomorrow.

People give me warnings, to stay away from you

They say you'll hurt me, I don't think that's true

When I see you, I wanna kiss you

But I know that ain't right, so I ask if I can hold you.

Oh, honey, I need you so bad

Oh, honey, I only want to make you glad.

Arthur felt a fluttering in his chest at her choice of song. The lyrics felt personal, as if she were speaking directly to him. Her voice filled him with confidence and reassurance. At that moment, Arthur knew he would give her the letter when they arrived at Emerald Ranch. The very place where it all began, where their paths had crossed during their unlikely task. 

“Gosh, woman,” Arthur mused with a playful smile, “I gotta get’chu a guitar or somethin’.”

Kate chuckled. “Can you imagine? I’d never shut up if I had one of my own!” She laughed out loud, unaware of how much Arthur longed to hear her sing, like a songbird perched outside his window every morning.

“That’s the dream, darlin’,” Arthur replied softly.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Taking a look around the inside of the little farmhouse, Arthur marveled at how cozy it was. From the outside, it looked like your typical run-down ranch house, weathered and unassuming. But on the inside, it was a warm and welcoming home, filled with the tangible essence of years of hard work and family moments. The walls were adorned with faded photographs and handmade decorations, each telling a story of its own. The wooden floors creaked with a comforting familiarity, and the scent of aged wood mixed with the faint aroma of bread lingering in the air.

Arthur had only ever known Seamus as a rancher who ran a side business as a merchant. He had never imagined the man’s home to be so inviting, so filled with life and history. The mismatched furniture added to the charm, each piece seemingly holding its own tales.

“So, this guy really trusts you to stay in his house for a few days?” Arthur asked skeptically, his eyebrows raised in curiosity. “How’s he know you won’t rob ‘em?” he added incredulously.

Kate huffed a laugh, her eyes twinkling with amusement. “Cause I’m no thief,” she emphasized, her tone playful and firm. “Seamus is very good to his ranch-hands. They do a lot for him, and he always repays their honest work.” She gestured towards the kitchen table, a short letter indicating instructions for her while he was gone as well as a wad of cash. As if he already knew Kate would show up for the task. “Besides, his broodmare Dolly can be a real handful. But she always liked me,” she added with a playful wink, a hint of pride in her voice.

Arthur couldn't help but smile at her confidence and ease. She was a reliable, trustworthy woman. He followed her as she held open the front door, indicating she would give him a tour of the rest of the property.

Together they walked over to the barn, the familiar sounds of cows lowing and chickens clucking filling the air. The occasional whinny from a horse echoed in the distance. The barn itself was sturdy and well-kept, with bales of hay neatly stacked and the scent of fresh straw mingling with the earthy aroma of the animals.

Lorena was bareback in the pen, nibbling on the hay with the other horses. Her sleek black coat shone in the soft light, a picture of contentment. Arthur admired how the horses seemed at peace here, a reflection of the care and attention they received.

As they walked, Kate pointed out various aspects of the ranch, sharing anecdotes and bits of history. “Seamus built this barn himself, you know. Every plank and nail. Took him the better part of a year,” she said, voice filled with respect.

Arthur listened intently, appreciating the glimpse into a world so different from his own. “Seems like a good man,” he remarked, nodding thoughtfully.

“He is,” Kate agreed. “He’s one of the few who understands the value of hard work and loyalty. And the payoff of living an honest life.”

Arthur chuckled, “if my memory serves me right, he had me and Hosea rob his cousin a few months back.” He said scratching his chin.

Kate shot him a knowing grin, “oh I remember. I got stuck babysitting you morons,” she teased. In a more serious tone she added, “but he’s got a family to take care of. And life ain’t easy.” 

They paused at the edge of the pen, watching the horses for a moment. The golden afternoon sun bathed the ranch in a warm glow, casting dark shadows and highlighting the beauty of the surroundings. Arthur felt a sense of peace here, a welcome relief from the chaos of their usual lives.

Kate turned to him, her eyes shining with a mix of pride and contentment. “Ready to meet Dolly?” she asked, a smile playing on her lips.

With a nod from Arthur, Kate led him to the back of the stables, where the broodmare was kept. The area was a safe distance from the other mares and stallions, ensuring a quiet and secure environment for the expectant mother. Dolly, a large dapple gray Andalusian with a white muzzle and a distinctive white stripe down her forehead, stood regally in her stall. She was too old to be working but too young to be retired, so she had become a mother to a handful of strong young fillies.

Kate had worked around Dolly for a few weeks and initially suffered accordingly. The mare had a reputation for being temperamental and unpredictable. Dolly had once nearly kicked Kate’s head off when she attempted to re-shoe her. She was the one horse that genuinely frightened Kate, which said a lot considering Lorena’s temper.

But like any challenge, Kate approached it with patience and conviction. She spent countless hours with Dolly, speaking to her softly and handling her with care. Gradually, the mare's wild eyes softened, and she began to form a bond of trust with Kate. Dolly acknowledged that Kate was the master, and she the hound. While Dolly remained fierce and powerful, Kate was the only one who could tame her.

Kate greeted the large mare warmly, her eyes softening at the sight of Dolly’s swollen, round belly. “Hey mama. Good lord girl, you are ready to pop!” she exclaimed, scratching under Dolly’s snout. The mare snorted and flicked her ears, reacting to Arthur’s unfamiliar scent in her territory.

“She’s a beauty,” Arthur remarked, stepping closer but keeping a respectful distance.

Kate smiled, continuing to scratch Dolly’s favorite spot. “She is, isn’t she? Took some time, but we got to understand each other.” She glanced at Arthur, her eyes twinkling with pride and affection. “She’s still got some spirit in her, but she knows I’m here to help.”

Arthur admired the way she gently stroked her snout, “You’ve got a way with these animals, Kate. It’s somethin’ special.”

Kate’s smile widened, a blush creeping up her cheeks. “Thanks, Arthur. That means a lot coming from you.”

They stood in comfortable silence for a moment, watching as Dolly nuzzled Kate’s hand. The soft sounds of the other horses in the stables and the gentle rustling of hay created a peaceful atmosphere.

Kate turned to Arthur, her hand still resting on Dolly’s snout. “Wanna give it a try?” she asked, nodding toward the mare.

Arthur hesitated for a moment, but then he took a breath and stepped forward. He reached out slowly, allowing Dolly to catch his scent. The mare flicked her ears again but didn’t pull away. With a gentle touch, Arthur stroked her neck, feeling the warmth and strength beneath his fingers.

“She don’t seem so bad,” he muttered as her whiskers tickled his other hand, a tentative smile forming on his lips.

Suddenly, Dolly shrieked loudly and stomped her hooves, causing Arthur to jerk back slightly. Kate laughed, a sound like tinkling bells, and said, “Oh, stop it, you’re embarrassing me,” she spoke to the horse scoldingly. “He’s harmless,” she added softly, grabbing her reins and gently coaxing her back to Arthur’s presence.

Arthur watched in admiration as Kate handled the mare with such ease and gentleness. The way she treated Dolly, her own horse, and every beast with respect and concern showed a depth of compassion that extended far beyond human interactions. It was as if her love and care were boundless, touching every living thing she encountered.

The tempered mare approached reluctantly as Arthur pulled a peppermint from his satchel. He smiled to himself as Dolly hesitantly lowered her head again to accept the irresistible sweet treat. “You’re not the only one with a sweet tooth,” he muttered, popping one of the candies in his mouth and seizing the opportunity to pet her snout.

“Look at that, friends already,” Kate said, clasping her hands together with a look of satisfaction. She turned to Arthur, her gaze filled with anticipation. “You ready to get to work?”

Arthur nodded and made a gesture with his hands, “Ready as the day is long,” he said with a smile. “What can I do?” he asked, looking around the barn, eager to contribute.

Kate placed a hand on her hip and followed his gaze, contemplating how they would split the work. She wanted to give him enough labor to make him feel useful, but nothing that would be too strenuous for him. Arthur glanced at her with a hint of amusement, appreciating her thoughtful consideration. In that moment, they weren’t just friends or potential lovers—they were simply a couple of ranch hands ready to tackle the day’s work together. She had a way about her that made him feel human again.

“Well,” Kate began, her eyes scanning the barn, “we need to muck out the stalls and make sure all the animals are fed and watered. After that, we can check on Dolly again and make sure she’s comfortable.”

Seamus usually had at least three to six ranch hands depending on the season. Most of them were his own kin, which meant they were short a few hands. The sun had begun its descent past its peak at noon, casting long shadows across the ranch. Only a handful of hours remained before dusk would creep in, and Kate estimated that their work would take them through the rest of the afternoon.

“Think you can start with the stalls?” Kate inquired, her mind already planning out the evening's tasks.

“Absolutely,” Arthur’s voice broke through her thoughts, filled with determination.

Kate nodded with a smile, slipping on a pair of leather gloves. “I’ll be around if you need me. Just holler,” she said, ready to tackle her own chores.

As she turned to leave, Arthur stopped her. “Hang on a moment.”

Kate paused, watching as Arthur pulled out a folded piece of paper tucked into his journal. His hand trembled slightly, whether from his injury or nerves, she couldn't tell.

Kate accepted the paper with a furrowed brow, her fingers itching to peek inside. “What’s thi–”

“Read it later,” Arthur blurted out, the words tumbling together like a stampede. “Please,” he added softly, trying to swallow the heat rising up his neck. He had never considered himself a ladies' man, and he wondered every day how he ever managed to catch the eye of a woman such as Kate. Writing in his journal was the purest way he could communicate his thoughts, and Kate had learned to understand his language, which still felt surreal to him.

Standing there like a proud young stallion, Arthur held his hat to his chest, an adorably sincere gesture he had done a few times around Kate. She knew then what the little paper contained within its folds. He was baring his heart to her in the best way he knew how.

She smiled warmly and tucked the confession into her breast pocket, close to her heart. “I’ll read it later, Arthur,” she promised.

Arthur headed to the stalls, grabbing a pitchfork and setting to work. Each movement, though painful, felt purposeful. He shoveled the muck with a steady rhythm, the repetitive task giving him time to reflect on the note he had given Kate. He wondered what she would think, how she would react, and hoped that his words would convey the depth of his feelings.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

The hours passed by in a whirlwind of tasks. Kate tackled the heavy labor, her muscles straining with the effort as she moved bales of hay, repaired fencing, and carried buckets of water to the troughs. She welcomed the physical challenge, the work offered a familiar routine she had been missing. It kept her focused and grounded, and she found a certain satisfaction in the job.

Arthur, meanwhile, took care of the barn duties. He mucked out the stalls, cleaned the tack, and ensured the animals were comfortable. Every now and then, he would pause to stretch his sore shoulder or lean against the stable gate to rest his ankle. Despite the aches in his body, he felt a sense of accomplishment with each completed task. The familiar rhythm of ranch life created a comforting sense of normalcy. Unlike his usual work, it brought him domestic bliss. Something he had always longed for.

As the afternoon wore on, the sun dipped lower in the sky, casting long, golden shadows across the ranch. The air grew cooler, and a soft breeze rustled the leaves of the nearby trees. Kate paused to take in the moment, leaning against an upturned trough. She wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand, her gaze drifting upward.

The sky had taken on a dramatic hue, the once bright blue now a tapestry of darkening clouds. The sun dipped on the horizon, creating a fiery glow that contrasted sharply with the ominous gray that was slowly overtaking it. The scent of rain was in the air, a fresh, earthy aroma. 

The day's work had taken its toll, and she felt a pleasant exhaustion settling into her bones. She figured it was time to call it a day anyway; the approaching storm and the growl of her stomach made the decision an easy one. 

Before they could retire for the night, one task remained on Kate’s mind. She sought out a secluded spot under a nearby tree, the gentle rustling of leaves providing a soothing backdrop. Kate tugged her gloves off with her teeth, simultaneously pulling the letter from her pocket. Her fingers traced the folds, her heart racing with anticipation and a twinge of uncertainty. Whatever lay within these pages would change their relationship forever; Kate fervently hoped it was a change for the better.

Feeling the weight of Arthur's words in her palm, she carefully unfolded the handful of papers. The edges were smooth yet serrated, as if he had meticulously torn them from his journal. The folds were straight and pressed, resembling the careful sealing of an envelope. Kate marveled at his genuine care for something so simple.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she filled her heart with clarity and began to read his words:

My darling Kate…

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

~ 3 days ago ~ 

In the depth of night, the moon had carved its way across the sky, a silent sentinel overseeing the world below. Even the creatures of the shadows were preparing to sleep, the sunrise just beyond the horizon. The sky was an inky black canvas, streaked with gray clouds, as the world beyond began to stir.

There were no stars that night, as if the universe mirrored Arthur's loneliness. Only the glowing black and red coals of a dying campfire kept the midnight chill from seeping into his bones. Despite the faint warmth, his hands felt as cold as his aching heart. He had woken from another restless sleep only hours ago, haunted by memories that burned in the back of his mind like a shot of whiskey, distorting his sense of reality.

It had gotten better with each passing day. Most nights, Arthur managed to talk himself out of his terror, reminding himself where he was, that he was not in danger, that the lives of the gang were not in danger.

But there were nights, like tonight, when Arthur would wake with a sense of urgency and panic. His sleepless, tormented mind was confused and afraid, desperately searching for a way out. Everything around him was shrouded in darkness, and he couldn't distinguish memory from reality. The ghosts of his past torment mingled with the shadows of his present, creating a suffocating void that threatened to swallow him whole.

On these nights, Kate was always there for him. Though these episodes were infrequent, she never failed to appear when his sense of panic neared the brink of danger, for himself or for others. With gentle coaxing, she would guide him to sit with her by the fire, her presence calming his frayed nerves. She would reassure him, answering any and all of his questions, no matter how many times he asked. Her voice, soothing and steady, became his anchor in the storm.

When Arthur finally calmed down, she would speak softly to him for hours until he was tired enough to return to sleep. Sometimes, they would sit in companionable silence until the first light of dawn broke through the horizon, the crackling of the fire and the quiet sounds of the night their only company.

But tonight, Kate wasn't there. She had left with Charles and Sadie at first light, eager to provide for the camp and savor the thrill of the hunt. Arthur remained behind, confined by his injuries. He knew it was ridiculous to feel jealous of their outing, but it wasn’t just the escape he longed for—it was Kate.

Her presence was a constant source of relief amidst his pain and frustrations. When Kate was with him, the burdens of his injuries and fears seemed to lift, carried away on the wind. It didn’t matter if she was idly chatting over breakfast, her laughter mingling with the morning light, or helping him with the simple tasks his injuries had made difficult. Her kindness and care infused every moment with warmth and comfort.

But now, in the stillness of the night, Arthur felt a deep, gnawing loneliness. His friends slept just ten feet away, their soft snores and shifting forms a reminder of their presence. Yet, he couldn’t stand the way they looked at him now, as if he were helpless and weak. They commended his strength and recovery, but there was a change in their demeanor, a subtle shift that made him feel more isolated than ever. They saw him in a different light, and he hated how it made him feel—like an outsider in his own family.

Arthur’s thoughts turned to his satchel, to the old leather journal tucked inside. He hadn’t so much as opened it since the day his heart was laid bare, his private words exposed in a way that felt humiliating. Those pages now seemed tainted, the words within soaked with memories he wished he could forget. The journal had once been a refuge, a place where he could pour out his soul, but now it felt like a canvas painted with malicious strokes of red ink.

Needing an outlet for his swirling thoughts, Arthur reluctantly opened the journal, the pages heavy with memories. He flipped through drawings, entries, and little notes, each one a fragment of his life. Portraits of Kate mingled with sketches of flowers and scenery, their delicate lines capturing moments of fleeting beauty.

His fingers paused on one particular page, the image stretching across both sides of the journal. On the left, a tender depiction of Kate laying in the grass, sleeping against her saddle. Her face was serene, her features softened by slumber. Lorena, her loyal mare, had her head nestled on Kate's chest, equally deep in sleep. The scene was a perfect snapshot of peace and companionship.

On the right side of the page, Arthur had sketched the familiar rocky shoreline of Clemens Point. The sun was setting, its rays kissing the horizon and casting a glow over the water. The waves lapped gently at the rocks, the rhythmic motion almost audible through the drawing.

In Arthur’s print, a simple note read: My world.

The words echoed in his mind, resonating with a profound truth. Kate was his world. She brought color to his sketches, life to his drawings, and hope to his weary soul. The two images revealed everything he held dear—the serenity of nature, the warmth of company, and the beauty of the young woman who had captured his heart.

He recalled the day with a light smile, the memory warming him from within. Arthur had been fishing, enjoying one of the rare days when he had time to himself. He had found a secluded spot hidden by a formation of rocks, where the world seemed to fall away. The afternoon and evening were spent indulging in the simple pleasure of fishing. Captivated by the scene around him, he captured the moment by sketching the view, the gentle ripples of the water, the play of light on the surface, and the dense trees framing the landscape.

Sometime later, as the sun dipped lower in the sky, Kate had wandered into the small clearing nearby. Unbeknownst to her, it was right behind Arthur’s fishing spot. He watched her quietly, drawn to the scene by the sound of her voice, a soft melody that carried on the gentle breeze. She was singing to her mare, Lorena, like she did most evenings. Her voice was tender, filled with a love that touched Arthur deeply.

Kate brushed Lorena’s coat with slow, deliberate strokes, her fingers combing through the mare’s mane with practiced ease. Arthur could see the bond between them, the trust and affection that had been built through countless moments like this. The sight was mesmerizing.

After a while, the soft singing ceased, replaced by the low hum of cicadas and the occasional chirp of tree frogs. The evening light cast a golden glow over the clearing, making it feel like a scene from a dream. He glanced back and saw Kate lying in the grass, sound asleep. Her chest rose and fell with the gentle rhythm of her breathing, and Lorena rested her head protectively near Kate's. 

Without wasting a second, Arthur pulled out his journal and filled the blank page next to his first sketch. He captured the pleasant image of Kate and Lorena with delicate, careful strokes, the grass bending softly around them, the mare's head nestled close to her, the light framing them both in a warm embrace.

Arthur continued to flip through the pages of his journal, his breath catching at the jagged edges of a torn page. The memory of someone having taken one of his portraits of her resurfaced, a sting of loss mingling with shame. He swallowed the memory and continued flipping, searching for a blank page.

He paused when he reached an unfamiliar script. The handwriting was smooth and fine, the elegant cursive of someone properly educated. It was a woman's delicate handwriting. The heading caught his breath:

My dearest Arthur

The words swam through his mind as he took in each stroke of the pencil. His heart swelled with adoration and yearning, and his cheeks warmed with the emotion that welled up inside him. Kate’s words, tender and heartfelt, brought silent tears to his eyes. Arthur didn’t know what he had done to deserve such love, what higher power had put him through hell only to provide this light at the end.

The fear and doubt that had plagued him still lingered, but in this moment, Arthur knew he had to answer her letter. He felt an urgency, a need to reciprocate the love she had so freely given. For the rest of the evening, he put together his thoughts onto those pages;

My darling Kate,

Forgive me, if it seems cowardly, doing things this way. But I’m afraid it’s the only way I know how. It’s really hard for me to face you sometimes; I get choked up and the words don’t come out right. You smile, and my heart just leaps from me. Your company is a great comfort to me, more than you could ever know.

I’m not very good at all this—feelings, and just life in general. In my years I have only ever known mayhem. I was born with blood on my hands and I have never allowed myself a moment of peace. I’ve spent so much time living on the run, thinking only of survival and the next job. I was scared to live, and I was scared to die.

I never thought I would dream of a quiet life, a good life. But you’ve changed that, Kate. You’ve shown me a kindness and warmth I thought I’d never feel again. I don’t deserve it, and yet you’ve given me a reason to believe that maybe there’s more to this life than hurting and hiding.

When I look at you, I see a future I never dared to dream of. I see us together, building a life filled with simple joys and quiet moments. I see a place we can call home, where I can watch you shine and spread your wings like the angel you are. 

I know I don't have much to offer you. My life has been a series of hard choices and rough roads, and I carry the weight of those years with me. But what I can offer you is my heart. My affection, my strength, my loyalty, and my love. It’s not much, but it’s yours. All of me is yours.

You’ve brought light into my life, Kate, and I want nothing more than to drown myself in the rays of your beauty. To be by your side is the greatest gift you could ever give me. I want to wake up each morning in our home and fill it with memories and laughter, to create a place where love and joy are as natural as the air we breathe.

I always worried that I may never live long enough to see the whole world, but now I’ve found that I already have. When I look into your eyes, I see everything I've ever searched for.

So, if you’ll have me, I’d love to chase that dream of a wooden house with you. 

With all my heart,

Arthur

p.s - Your words make me forget the pains of my past. So, thank you, for healing that part of me too. 

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

The winds picked up, carrying with them an electric scent that announced a coming storm. The smell of grass and hay mingled with the atmosphere, creating a heady mix that filled the air. The breeze swirled around Kate, shaking the leaves above her with a growing intensity. Her heart mirrored the uproar around her, a storm of emotions raging like a hurricane through the Midwest. The rumble of thunder echoed the drumming of her heart, each beat resonating with the power of the approaching storm.

Wiping her tears with a trembling hand, Kate gently folded the letter and placed it back in her breast pocket. The rain began to fall in gentle sputters, mingling with the warmth against her cheeks. Each drop felt like a kiss from the sky, a reminder of the heartfelt joy she hadn't felt since her old life—the life she had been forced to leave behind. She had once thought she might never reach such peace again, but here she was, on the brink of a new beginning.

Everything was going to change. Once again, fate had taken her life in a new direction, an unexpected but welcome turn amidst the troubles and turmoils she had experienced. Arthur was the beginning of a new life, a second chance at feeling whole again. His love was like a lantern, its warm glow guiding her through the darkness and giving her hope for a future she had only dared to dream of again.

The rain began to fall more steadily, each drop a mark on the story of her life. Kate’s mind raced with thoughts of Arthur, the man who had captured her heart with his quiet strength and unshakable loyalty. She felt a sudden sense of urgency, a desperate need to be with him.

She stood up, the wind tugging at her clothes as if urging her forward. The rain began to fall harder, but she hardly noticed. Her mind was filled with thoughts of Arthur—his rugged handsomeness, the way his eyes softened when he looked at her, the warmth of his touch. 

With purposeful, quickened footsteps, Kate made her way to the barn in search of him. She noted how clean the stalls looked, the horses and barn animals contentedly eating their dinner and settling in for the night. Her heart pounded with each glance as she searched for him, her excitement building with every step.

Rounding the corner, she finally spotted him. Arthur had his back turned to her, his broad shoulders moving rhythmically as he spread hay through the birthing stall, preparing it meticulously for Dolly’s comfort. The muscles in his back and arms flexed with each movement, showcasing the strength and care he put into every task. The sight of him working with such dedication sent a thrill through her heart.

Kate quickened her pace, her feet barely touching the ground as she approached the stall gate. The soft jingle of the latch caught his attention, and he turned to greet her, his expression shifting from focused determination to warm surprise.

He rested his injured arm on the pitchfork, his eyes lighting up as they met hers. “What are you smiling at?” Arthur asked playfully, noting the tear-stained cheeks and the rosy hue that adorned her ear-to-ear smile. It was a sight that never got old to him. In that moment, he knew she had read his letter.

Kate giggled softly, her voice filled with joy. “For a mean, nasty outlaw, you sure can be pretty damn romantic,” she teased, her smile widening as she bit her bottom lip. She felt like a giddy teenager in his presence, her heart fluttering with a mix of excitement and love.

Arthur grinned, a bashful look crossing his face as he turned his head, scratching his neck awkwardly. “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout romance, sweetheart,” he mumbled, his voice tinged with self-consciousness.

Kate opened the gate, stepping inside the stall with purpose. Arthur dropped the pitchfork, his eyes locked onto her as she closed the gap between them. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around his neck, her voice a breathless whisper, "Oh, shut up and kiss me, Arthur."

Arthur's eyes widened, his pupils dilating until the blue of his irises was barely visible. He wasted no time winding his arm around her waist, his good hand sliding up to cup the back of her head. Her warmth was intoxicating, he felt blessed to get drunk on her love.

And he kissed her.

Deeply, passionately, achingly. Their lips collided with an intensity that spoke of all the emotions they had kept bottled up. Their noses brushed against one another, moving in a delicate dance like swans in courtship. The soft rub of their cheeks, the fervent joining and breaking of their lips, created a symphony of love and desire. Breathless sighs of pleasure filled the air around them.

The wind picked up, whipping through the stalls and causing their hair to flutter and tickle their cheeks. The distant rumble of thunder signaled the approaching storm, but nothing could break them from their shared moment of passion.

Kate cupped Arthur's cheek in her hand, savoring the softness of his beard beneath her fingers. She trailed her hand to the back of his neck and gently tugged on his hair, eliciting a deep moan that she eagerly swallowed. Arthur’s tongue played at her lips, seeking permission for deeper intimacy. Kate welcomed him, her tongue meeting his in a dance as old as time. The taste of peppermint mixed with the scent of his musk filled her senses, making her dizzy with desire.

Arthur groaned at the sensation of her gently sucking on his tongue, pulling her body tightly against his. The heat between them was palpable, their bodies pressed so close that not even the wind could come between them. Each touch, each kiss, and every heartbeat only elevated the burning tension between them.

Their surroundings faded away, the barn and its animals, the impending storm, all became insignificant. In that moment, it was just the two of them, lost in each other. Kate's fingers threaded through Arthur's hair, her nails grazing his scalp in a way that sent shivers down his spine. His hands roamed her back, memorizing every curve and dip, pulling her even closer as if he could never get enough.

Kate gasped as he took her bottom lip between his teeth, a tantalizing hint of pain and pleasure that sent a warm flood to her core. Then he attacked her mouth again with such ferocity that she felt she might stumble backward. But Arthur's hand was splayed across her lower back, fingers tracing circles against the curve of her spine, holding her protectively in his embrace. She rolled her hips forward against his, eliciting a deep grunt from him as his grip tightened on her hair. Pure bliss filled her heart and mind, every sensation magnified by the intensity of their connection.

A sudden, earth-shaking clap of thunder, followed by a brilliant strike of lightning, lit up the air, startling them both. So enraptured were they in each other that for a moment, the world outside had ceased to exist. The rain began to pour in heavy drops, pattering rhythmically against the tin roof of the barn, creating a symphony of nature's power.

Kate glanced outside, breaking the kiss as the storm raged on. The intensity of the moment left her breathless, her lips tingling from their passionate exchange. Arthur panted, his gaze never leaving her features, his eyes dark with desire and affection.

"Kate," he breathed, his voice a husky whisper. "You drive me wild."

She looked up at him, taking in the sight of his lips swollen and red, nearly matching the pink of his cheeks that reached all the way to his ears. His hat had blown off, landing somewhere in the hay, and his hair was delightfully disheveled from both the wind and Kate's delicate fingers. His blue eyes met hers with such contented bliss, heavy with warmth. Wrinkles formed at the corners of his eyes from the smile that spread across his lips. Kate wished she could freeze this moment, capturing it forever, safe from the tricks of time.

"Arthur," she replied, his name a sacred prayer on her lips, carrying all the love and adoration she felt for him.

He leaned in again, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead, his touch tender and reverent. “Was a little worried you might not feel the same,” he murmured against her skin. “After I woke up ‘n all,” he added, a hint of doubt lacing his voice. The memory of his injury and the changes it had wrought in him weighed heavily on his mind. He felt different, diminished somehow, and it gnawed at his confidence.

Kate scoffed lightly at the absurdity of the idea, as if she would ever dare to think less of him. “Really? Why would you think that?” She asked, nudging her head to get him to look in her eyes. They held each other close, gently rocking against each other with the rhythm of the rain. 

Arthur held her gaze, his blue eyes reflecting a deep-seated self-doubt. “Dunno, I knew I wasn't the most striking bachelor before. And now I—” he hesitated, the words catching in his throat. He thought of himself as half the man he used to be, the injuries a constant reminder. “Sometimes I just think I’m undesirable.”

Kate tightened her hold on him, her fingers tracing soothing patterns on his back. She could feel the tension in his muscles, the self-doubt that weighed heavily on him. "Arthur," she began softly, her voice filled with conviction, "You are a wonderful, beautiful man. Your strength, your kindness, your heart—that’s what matterns. You are always worthy of love."

Arthur's eyes softened, the weight of her words easing his troubled heart. He leaned his forehead against hers, their breaths mingling in the cool night air. “What did I do to deserve a woman like you?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Kate smiled, her heart brimming with love. “You’re more than enough for me, Arthur. And you always will be.”

They stood there for a few moments, the barn providing a sanctuary from the storm. The rain continued to patter against the roof, creating a gentle symphony that seemed to echo the rhythm of their shared heartbeat. The air was cool and fresh, carrying the scent of wet hay and earth, mingling with the warmth of their closeness.

Arthur sighed, his reluctance evident as he spoke. "I reckon it's about time we called it a night, huh?" His voice was soft, almost wistful. He began peppering little kisses over Kate’s cheeks, each one tender and filled with affection. She giggled softly, the sound a melodic contrast to the storm outside.

She responded in kind, launching her own playful attack of kisses. Their laughter mingled with the rain, filling the barn with a lightheartedness that made the moment feel timeless. "Oh, but you make it so hard," she whined teasingly, her voice dripping with playful frustration.

Arthur's hands roamed her back, his touch gentle and loving. "I’d be happy to bed you right here in this barn, Kate," he murmured against her skin, his breath hot on her neck. He captured her lips in a final, heated kiss, their desire deepening with each passing moment.

Kate shuddered at his words. Finally, with a reluctant sigh, she pulled away from his embrace. The absence of his warmth was immediately palpable, a stark contrast to the heat that had enveloped her just moments before. She looked up at him, her eyes filled with a mix of love and longing.

"We should get inside," she said softly, her voice carrying a hint of passion. "There's a warm fire and bath waiting for us."

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━ 

Escaping the rain, they quickly discarded their muddy boots at the door. The room was filled with the warmth of the crackling fire as Arthur stoked the flames. Kate moved to prepare a bath, her cheeks tinged with a blush as the thought of what was to come flitted through her mind. When the water was ready, she approached Arthur, her heart pounding with anticipation.

"The bath is ready," she said softly, a shy smile playing on her lips. Unlike the spacious bathhouses in hotels, this was a small wooden tub, designed to fit one person.

Arthur approached her, taking her small hand in his large one. "Could I ask to repay the favor tonight?" he asked, his voice filled with a tender longing.

Kate looked at him, confused. "What favor?"

"When you bathed me," he said softly, his eyes searching hers. Kate blushed, slightly shocked that he remembered that moment amidst his raging fever.

A smile tugged at her lips. "Only if you join me," she answered.

Arthur breathed deeply, a wave of desire washing over him. He wanted to capture her in a kiss right then and there, but he knew there was a deeper moment of intimacy awaiting them. She led him to the washroom, holding onto his hand.

The room was small and dimly lit with a few candles adorning the walls. A quiet fire crackled in a little hearth, used to heat the water. Clouds of steam filled the space, carrying the rich scent of lavender and pine. The water glimmered with bath oil and small bubbles, inviting and warm.

Arthur followed her into the room, closing the door behind him. He approached Kate from behind, enveloping her in his arms as he leaned down to kiss her cheek. His hands splayed across her abdomen, fingers tracing the buttons of her blouse. Kate swallowed as the heat rose from the pit of her stomach. She sighed blissfully and leaned into his embrace, her hands moving to meet Arthur’s, encouraging him to remove the fabric.

Their bodies moved in unison as she turned to meet his lips. He pushed the blouse off her shoulders, and she quickly unbuttoned his shirt, tugging it off him to reveal his chest. The dampness from the rain still clung to his skin, and the scars from his injuries were healing with each passing day. The once deep purple bruises had faded to a pale shade, marking his progress.

Arthur untied her undershirt, revealing her breasts to the thick, warm air. Her eyes sought his, and she found them gazing upon her with love and adoration. Leaning down to kiss her neck, his hands traveled to the button of her trousers. Kate gasped at his touch, her hands following his movements.

They stood completely naked before each other, their chests heaving with desire. Arthur stepped into the hot bath first, then held out a hand to Kate, silently inviting her to join him. She bit her lip with anticipation and allowed him to pull her naked body into his embrace. The water was hot and soothing, relaxing all of her muscles as she settled into his lap.

Arthur’s strong arms wrapped around her, holding her close as they both sighed with contentment. He gently kissed her shoulder, trailing soft kisses up her neck. Kate leaned back against him, her fingers tracing the muscles of his arms, feeling the strength and tenderness in his touch.

The warmth of the bath enveloped them, the fragrant steam mingling with their breaths. Arthur’s hands roamed her body, exploring every curve and contour with reverence. Kate tilted her head to the side, giving him better access to her neck as she moaned softly at his calloused wandering hands.

He whispered sweet nothings in her ear, his voice husky with desire. "You are so beautiful, Kate," he murmured, his lips grazing her earlobe. 

Kate turned her head, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. Their tongues danced together, each touch sending sparks of pleasure through their bodies. She could feel the hard length of him pressing against her back, and she shifted slightly, eliciting a groan from Arthur.

"Easy now," he whispered against her lips, his hands moving to cup her breasts, his thumbs brushing over her hardened nipples. "We’ve got all night."

Kate’s breath hitched at his touch, her body arching into his hands. His fingers rolled the small buds, the oil of the bath making them slick. A shuddering moan escaped her lips. She could feel the intensity of his desire, matched by her own. "Arthur," she whispered, her voice trembling with aching desire. "I need you."

He kissed her deeply, one hand sliding down her body to rest on her hip. Fingers kneading at the soft flesh, tauntingly close to her heat. "You have me darlin’," he replied, his voice thick with lust. 

With a gentle but firm touch, Arthur guided Kate to turn around and straddle his lap. The water sloshed around them as their bodies pressed together in an intimate embrace. Kate wrapped her arms around his neck, gazing into his eyes with yearning. Her body slid into place in his lap like the final puzzle piece, the bath oil making their skin velvet soft to the touch. She met him in an open-mouthed kiss, their passion raging like the storm outside.

Arthur moaned against her lips, his hands wandering her back and holding her close. He squeezed the flesh of her bottom and nipped at her neck. She shuddered and gasped at his touch, his lips tickling the sensitive skin. Moving his attention down to her nipples, he took one in his mouth, sucking and flicking his wet heat over the small bud. The sounds of her pleasure drove him wild, a feeling so strong it overwhelmed all his senses.

Kate's hands traced his chest, following a path over his stomach. Her touch felt like fire against his skin, igniting something deep inside him. His pleasure made itself known as his hard length pressed proudly into the flesh of her abdomen, desperately seeking the suffocating warmth of her core.

Her gentle fingers moved between them, gliding down to the soft curls below his navel. Her nails tickled his skin, sending a sudden chill up his spine. The wind picked up outside, its cold air seeping through the cracks of the old windows. It fluttered the candles and stuck to Arthur’s skin like tar. He tried to swallow the feeling that was building in his stomach.

Kate kissed his cheeks fervently, the pads of her fingers brushing against his tip. His erection twitched at her touch. Arthur’s breathing picked up as she moved her hand to wrap around him. He bucked his hips at the sensation.

Arthur suddenly felt dizzy with a mix of arousal and uncertainty. Her touch felt incredible, but something stirred in the back of his mind. It crept up his throat and suffocated his lungs. He recognized the feeling: it was fear. His heart raced and his breathing became ragged as he shut his eyes, trying to make sense of his mind.

Kate was with him now. He knew he was safe. Her touch was gentle and filled with love and desire. It was clear she wanted to share in this pleasure with him. So why did he feel this way? Arthur couldn't make sense of it, and in turn, it only heightened his anxiety. Clouding the blissful moment with dread. As her hand wrapped around him, he sucked in a breath and gripped her arms.

“Kate,” he said shakily, “S-stop…please.” Arthur wanted to shout at himself. He had waited and dreamed of this moment since the day he fell for her, never thinking such intimacy would grace his life again.

Hearing the panic in his voice, Kate immediately ceased her actions, turning her full attention to Arthur’s shuddering form. She had mistaken his recent reactions for pleasure, not anxiety. With one hand placed on the edge of the tub and the other cradling his face, she brought his eyes to hers. “Oh honey, are you alright?”

Arthur swallowed, memories suddenly firing through his mind like a million lawmen aiming their guns at his heart. The cold cellar, the wandering hands, the touching and groping. He squeezed his eyes shut as the feeling of humiliation washed over his body once again. “I-I don’t…I don’t know. It’s like I’m havin’ one of them nightmares,” he said finally. “But I think they’re memories. I think they–” he swallowed again, “I-I can’t remember what they did to me.” He suddenly choked, his hand flying to cover his mouth as he held back a sob.

Everything was pouring forth at once, and he couldn't stop the flood. It felt like a dream but somehow different, like he was being forced to confront his torment. His emotions had been at their highest; love and desire filled him in a way they had not for so many years. Yet somehow, grief and panic had managed to find a crack and send the whole thing crashing down.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Kate cooed softly, her touch grounding him. “They’re only memories, they can’t hurt you,” she whispered, gently pulling him into her embrace as the water moved around them.

“My body has been hurt in a lot of ways, but what they did,” he trailed off, taking a deep breath. Her hands moved in soothing circles over his back. 

Kate’s heart flooded with grief and understanding. “I know,” she interrupted, “there are no words for it, Arthur.” She recalled memories of her own assault many years ago. Their touch still lingered in the wrinkles of her skin. They shared scars that ran so deep they were not visible to the naked eye, only revealed in moments when their souls were laid bare.

Arthur’s breathing was still ragged. “It’s like it’s all happening again, Kate. I thought I could get past it, but...”

“But healing isn’t a straight path,” she finished for him. “It’s messy and painful, and it takes time. You can’t brute force your way through it.”

His eyes darkened, glistening with warm tears. “I just feel so...different. Like I’m some pathetic good-for-nothin’ washed-up–”

“Enough with that,” Kate said sternly. She sat up in his lap and took his face in her hands. The fear and grief were swirling into anger and frustration. It was as if she could see the storm in his eyes, a deep blue sea raging within them. The water in the bath had begun to settle into a lukewarm embrace, cooling with each passing moment.

Shaking his head, his voice rose with an anger that Kate knew was not directed at her, but still struck a chord in her heart. “I can barely run, I can hardly shoot. I don’t know if I can even ride a horse without help,” he listed off his frustrations. “Christ, I can't even be intimate with a woman. What the hell am I good for?” Arthur suddenly made a move to leave the bath.

Standing up and stepping out of the tub, Kate followed him as she grabbed a towel. “Don’t say that, Arthur–”

“No one looks at me the same, Kate. No one!” He shouted, wrapping a towel around his waist as he paced the bathroom floor. “Am I that fucking pathetic?” Thunder echoed outside the ranch house, shaking the walls and fluttering the candles. Arthur leaned against the vanity, the sudden ache in his shoulder and ankle made itself known, only elevating his pains. 

Kate swallowed thickly; she had never seen him so upset. Even on the rare nights when his tormented dreams distorted his reality. “You are not pathetic, Arthur,” she said gravely, trying to calm his frayed nerves while also reassuring his broken heart. Only moments ago they were engaged in a heated moment of passion, which now felt far away.

“Dutch won’t even fuckin’ look at me no more! Like I’m some sick dog he’s waitin’ on to die so he can replace me.” His face was red with emotion. The heat of the hot bath mingled with his frustration and shame that boiled beneath his skin. It pained Kate to see how much his self-worth relied on Dutch’s approval, as if he believed he were less than nothing without that man’s good graces. 

“He’s not going to replace you, honey,” she replied softly, although she wasn’t entirely sure her words held any truth. Taking small steps toward his figure as if she were approaching a frightened gelding, her movement was purposeful yet calming.

“I could barely stand to look at my own body before, and now” he sighed as Kate grasped his shoulders gently. “I want your touch, Kate,” his hand moved to cover hers. “I crave it more than anything. But I can’t even be with you without—” he moved his hand up to hide his face in distress, attempting to shield her from the new flood of tears that were escaping down his cheeks and into his beard.

Gentle fingers pulled his hand away, revealing the broken man beneath them. She knew that strange words come out of a grown man’s mouth when his heart is hurting. Cupping his face, her thumbs traced circles over his cheeks. “No one said we had to move so fast, Arthur,” she kissed away his tears. “We can take as much time as you need, my love. This isn’t something we have to rush.”

A shuddering breath escaped his lips as he leaned into her touch. “Sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore.” He whispered. 

He pulled himself into her embrace, letting the emotion wash over him. Kate held him with unwavering strength, taking in every word and embracing the vulnerability he was sharing with her. “Your days as an outlaw may be coming to an end, but that doesn’t mean you are too. People change over the years, it’s just part of life. Some chapters don’t have happy beginnings, but you can still find moments of joy in the journey.”

He squeezed her tight to his body, afraid that she may slip away and wake up only to find it was just another cruel dream. Terrified that he may one day wake up in that dark cellar again, alone. “I’m afraid I don’t know what’s real, Kate.”

“If you can’t trust your mind, Arthur. Just ask me and I’ll tell you.” She said, pulling her head back to look into his eyes. The corners tinted red from his tears, reminded her of the days of his recovery. But the blue was as bright and vast as the morning sky. She kissed his chin, and he leaned down to place his forehead against hers. 

“You still want me,” he said quietly, almost hesitantly. “Is that real?” 

“As real as the ground beneath our feet.” Kate kissed his cheek, “and the birds in the sky,” a kiss to the nose, “the sun against your skin,” a peck on his temple, “the air we breathe,” lips brushed over the healing scar on his brow, “as real as you and me.” Her lips found home against his own. Rough and sweet, and full of longing.

~~~

A/N: AHHH!!! Their feelings are finally out!! We’ve reached a big milestone in their relationship and I’m very proud of them for being open with each other. There’s more feelings that need to come to light of course, but that will have to wait for the next chapter. I know I said in the beginning that the next chapter will include day 2 at emerald ranch, but I also want to let you know I will be returning to the original game plot as well. Starting with “A Short Walk In A Pretty Town”…so yeah. Things may be looking up rn but they’ll plummet soon enough🥲

Thank you again for being patient with me. I wish I had more time in the day to work on this fic but unfortunately I can only work in small increments at a time. I’m wrapping up my work for the summer as well as moving to the city! So there’s lots of big changes going on rn. But thank you as always for reading/commenting/reblogging!! I love you guys!!!

[biasbuck]

BiAsBuck’s ficrec Fridays

Happy Friday everyone! This is my first 911 ficrec post (I'm usually over here if ill-fated hunters and their angel husbands are your jam) but I've been DEEP in the Evan Buckley hyperfixation throughout April so come with me for what I've been reading!

This is a combination of Buddie and Bucktommy and buckeddietommy (aka buckeddie and meatballs, heh!)

26 April 2024

tell me about despair by @hattalove was the first fic I read, specifically because I wanted to get inside Eddie's head more as on first viewing I found him a little trickier to grasp...but yeah...that might just be because I am he and he am I. This fic was an wonderful way in to understanding his inner workings. His queer awakening and the associated traumas he has to work through were handled with such care, and the character voices were just gorgeous. "Eddie's not entirely sure he believes in getting help, at least not for himself. There's only so much healing to be had for a body torn apart by bullets, for a mind that's only half there, for a man who's been leaving pieces of himself behind all his life with nothing to take their place. Except, as it turns out, falling apart happens in increments, and healing does, too"

evan, elated and euphoric by @gayhoediaz 16500 words of bucktommy first time smut anyone?? "Buck likes it - not just being with Tommy, being with a man - that part is obvious, but he… likes that he likes it. He loves that he likes it. Truthfully, he doesn’t think that he has ever felt more at home in his own body than he does in this very moment." This is such a delightful exploration (through copious amounts of sizzling sex) in Buck feeling fully present and fully himself in his sexuality, and it's gloriously decadent as well as sweet and sexy as hell. I loved this characterisation of Tommy.

Both Bermuda and Golden (Lost but Doing Just Fine) by @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels all hail the threesome fics! In which the correct answer is always - Both? Both is good! This one is gloriously kinky and sexy and I love the 'guiding hand' aspect and how both Buck and Eddie allow themselves to be led. "It's not that Buck's not happy with Eddie. It's just that being with Tommy taught him things about himself, things he wants, and he doesn't quite know how to ask Eddie for those things. He shouldn't have underestimated how well Eddie knows him, or how willing Tommy is to lend a helping, instructional hand."

Heart of Flowers / Heart of Gold by @elvensorceress is a gorgeously written allegorical tale with PEAK Buddie and Christopher family vibes set between S4&5. "In the aftermath of the sniper attack, Buck has to keep going without his partner while sorting through the layers of everything they are to each other, while Eddie fights for his life and through all his internalized trauma and regret for everything they never managed to say. aka After nearly losing each other, Buck and Eddie find their way to each other and their family’s happily ever after." My absolute favourite thing about this fic is the thread with the bedtime story that Christopher and Buck have created together. Just beautiful.

five ways to fall in love with the man in the mirror by @buckttommy is a bucktommy fic but crucially a Buck absolutely revelling in the poetry of getting to know your own identity. It also crucially gives me Jay Hulme vibes (iykyk) "Buck meets God at a gay club. He finds him in an oil-slick puddle on a damp night, neon lights reflecting off the kaleidoscopic liquid in the parking lot. or; Evan Buckley falls in love with himself."

and i know how i feel by @middyblue is a very sweet Buck coming out to Bobby fic, written I believe between 7x04 and 7x05. ALL the Dad!Bobby feels. "Buck stares off over the hills of Los Angeles, hugging his knees. He half wants to take out his phone and start playing Nine Simone (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling - ) and half can’t bear to drown out the thin peace of bird calls in the quiet blue of the morning. Footsteps scrape on gravel behind him and he turns, half-expecting another hiker, but it’s Bobby, carrying a coffee tray with two to-go cups and a paper bag."

Short and sweet fic:

For All Occasions by @storybelle FIREFAM FEELS! In which of course, as per tradition, Hen makes the 118 a cake. I neeeeeed Hen and Buck queer camaraderie show, I need it, and just like this!

Wedding Bell Blues by @klutzygirl - much needed supportive parents actually fic! "Margaret and Phillip meet their son's new boyfriend when they arrive in town for Maddie's wedding." it doesn't go how Buck would expect, in the best way.

PS - if you have any henren authors/fic recs I should check out PLEASE let me know! I'm new and I love them!

[mdzs-owns-my-ass-i-guess]

The aftermath

Tw: spoilers for tgcf volume 6, gore, psychological horror, trauma, Bai Wuxiang

Summary: the aftermath of that incident in the temple that changed everything

--

There is always an end to everything, a conclusion, a stop. Fleeting, temporary, there is nothing that goes on forever, there are no eternities on Earth – death is the one certainty that never fails its due.

Almost.

If one were to ask Xie Lian how long he has been laying there, an open wound laid across an altar warmed with his own blood, he would not have been able to tell whether it has been an hour or a thousand years. He’s still somehow breathing, alive against any and all laws of life and nature, his body barely still held together by fragile pieces of tissue and the curse of his immortality. He’s spilling over the edges of the cold, carved stone, his hair flowing around him alongside thin rivulets of blood, tracing an unseen path down the ashen floor.

His eyes stare, empty and unblinking, at the door of the charred temple, as if attempting to peer beyond the limited field of vision, out into the good, kind world he had sacrificed so much for, into the world where this never happened to him. He cannot see anything, only a blur of faded colors and bleak sunlight, and he knows such a world does not exist.

It’s quiet.

Or maybe he has lost the ability to hear at some point during the torture, maybe a sword pierced through a nerve in his spinal cord and cut him off from hearing sound, locked inside the bits and pieces left of himself, imprisoned.

He used to love being alive, being nearly invincible, daring fate to stop him from helping the common people. Ascending, being a god, doing the best he could to save, to protect.

He resents it now – resents them all. Are these the people he has endured so much for? Are these the people he cast himself out of the heavens for?

This is who he has been protecting? This is who he has been defying every rule for?

Is this how the common people really are? Cruel, unfeeling, selfish?

The very people he loved so much were the same people that sacrificed him over an altar like an offering to a merciless god.

Are these people worth loving?

Is anyone?

He feels Bai Wuxiang before he sees him, his presence unmistakable even in Xie Lian’s miserable state. Somehow, he doesn’t feel startled or horrified by him anymore, placidly resigned to whatever the other may decide to subject him too. After all, he doubts there is enough of him left to even torment anymore.

“Have you learned your lesson yet?” Bai Wuxiang asks, his voice deceivingly kind and warm, like a parent talking to their troublesome child. “This is what the common people will do to you as soon as they have to choose between you and their own skins, Your Highness.”

Xie Lian does not have the energy to lift his eyes to look towards the order, his eyes still distantly tracing the contours of the forest. He feels so tired, too tired to even argue anymore, and all out of things to say in response. And he cannot even speak anymore either, his vocal cords torn somewhere into the remnants of his throat.

“But you shouldn’t think about them anymore, Your Highness.” Bai Wuxiang continues, a cold, soft hand against Xie Lian’s cheek. “Now, you should think about yourself.”

What is there to think of? Xie Lian would have asked if he could still speak. There is nothing left of me.

“All of this will heal.” Bai Wuxiang speaks again, the tenderness of his tone feeling every bit as condescending as it is warm, sickening, “Think about what comes after that, Your Highness. What will you do?”

Xie Lian doesn’t know, he doesn’t have the capacity to imagine the future right now. Is there any?

“I will take care of you. I will guide you.” Bai Wuxiang promises, caressing the side of Xie Lian’s face gently, soothingly, “All of this will not have been for naught. But you had to understand.”

Xie Lian finally wills himself to look at the man, meeting the sight of the half laughing, half crying mask. He feels so tired, drained of life, devoid of heart, a husk, a corpse rotting after its soul has dissipated.

The world has never felt so empty and cold.

He feels Bai Wuxiang scoop him up into his arms, his body protesting with every movement and every touch.

He’s afraid to look at himself, even though he knows what he must look like right now. Instead, he lets his eyes stare into the distance again, pain throbbing through him with every step the other takes, his cold hands burning like fire through the tatters of Xie Lian’s clothes.

Why can’t I die?

--

The white robes fit over his body with surprising ease, as if they had been made specifically for him. It is easy for him to recognize the cut and the material – funerary clothes.

Fitting, he thinks.

When he looks into the mirror, he thinks it again. He looks like little more than the living dead, pale and emotionless, features pulled into a blank expression.

“I told you that you will get better.” Bai Wuxiang’s voice rings through the room, almost happy. The sound grates Xie Lian’s ears. “It’s been two months. Are you ready to return?”

If Xie Lian still had it in himself to feel anything, he would have glared at the other, feeling his self-satisfied smile behind his mask even though he cannot see it.

“What will you do now?”

Xie Lian doesn’t reply, walking past Bai Wuxiang like he isn’t even there. The action elicits a laugh from the man.

“You will come back. I know you will.”

The kind, gentle voice from before takes on a darker edge, the sound of it making Xie Lian’s steps falter for a moment. “We are the same now. I’m all you’re left with.”

And for a moment, Xie Lian wants to disagree. He remembers, in the fragmented memory of that day, a little ghost fire, a screaming boy laid over the steps of the altar of his sacrifice.

But the image fades as soon as it appears.

--

[bullet-prooflove]

Scars: Bobby Reyes x Reader

Tagging: @trublu2u @yezzyyae @witches-unruly-heart @kmc1989

Bobby’s been told from an early age that he’s broken, unwanted. It’s a message that’s been carved into his soul through years of abuse and neglect in the foster system. Everyday when he looks in the mirror he sees those scars, the cigarette burns etched in a pattern up his torso.

When things start to get serious between the two of you, he’s shy about showing you his body. The echoes of his history litter his skin and he isn’t sure he’s ready for you to see the ugliness of his life.

In his world you’re the sunshine, the warmth on his skin as he steps out into the springtime air. You don’t know about his darkness, the nights he can’t get out of his own head because he’s reliving the suffering he’s endured.

All of that goes out of the window the evening that you undress for him. It’s been getting heated between the two of you, needy kisses and slow grinding on the couch that leads to you coming on his fingertips, his hand thrust into your jeans. You look beautiful underneath him, fucked out with swollen lips from his kisses.

“There’s something I need to show you.” You say in the aftermath, slipping from the couch and raising to your feet. “It’s the reason we’ve been taking things slow.”

You don’t look at him as you unbutton the blouse that you’re wearing, you strip off the fabric to reveal your skin and he sees he’s not the only one that’s been keeping secrets.

Four years ago, there was an SVU investigation into a sex trafficker called Herman Holmes. He used to brand the girls with his initials, always in the same place, upon the curve of the left breast. He wanted to be able to see it when he fucked them, to know what they belonged to him. SVU had managed to get an operative into the organisation, a female detective to posing as a madam. It had turned into a shitshow when he’d taken a shine to her, decided to make her one of his girls. Bobby knows the story, every cop in Manhattan does because it’s a UC’s worse nightmare.

When he sees the brand on your skin, the ridges of it bright pink against your flesh, his jaw clenches. You were missing for over fifteen hours, and he knows the kind of bad shit that can happen in that time.

When you see the expression on his face, he feels you withdrawing. You swallow hard, your gaze turning distance as you begin to button up your blouse.

“Yea.” You say focusing on the task. “I thought as much.”

It’s happened before, he can tell. Someone has looked at you and decided you’re not worth their time, their effort. They’ve told you  that the trauma was too much to handle, that you’re too much. That’s not Bobby though, he sees the beauty in you, the compassion, the kindness.

He captures your hand before you can bolt, his fingers threading through yours as he draws you back into his lap.

“You’re not the only one who knows how cruel this world is.” He tells you, taking your palm and guiding it underneath the hem of his Henley. He exhales as your fingertips trace over one of the cigarette burns.  “Who knows what it’s like to be marked by it.”

“Bobby…” You whisper and his thumb ghosts over the apple of your cheek.

“You’re not ugly.” He tells you, pressing his forehead against yours. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and I’m sorry you felt you had to hide this from me.”

“You know that goes both ways. You’re an attractive man, I’d be lucky to have you” You say as you look into his eyes and in that moment he believes you, because you’re the same you and him, both battered by the world, scarred by it but not broken, never broken.

“You do have me.” He tells you, his lips brushing over yours. “You’ll always have me.”

Love Bobby? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[maladaptiv3]

i'm sorry (pt. 2)

Pairing: JJ Maybank x Reader

Content: JJ’s dad is back, JJ self-isolates! This is the aftermath after he gets back...SMUT

Warning: allusions to past abuse, angst, past trauma, SMUT. (18+), JJ is mid-20s in this, I don’t like to write teenage characters (since I am not one)

part 1

Word Count: 2,642

this playlist would be nice to listen to while you read

tag list: one-sweet-gubler @tremendousstrangerpatrol

*original content by maladaptiv3* please do not repost my work

JJ sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around your waist, and pulled you closer to him. You laced your fingers behind his neck slightly tugging at his hair. He crashed his lips into yours, he was urgent. He pulled you over him, so you were straddling his lap. You leaned your head back a bit, giving him access to your neck. He trailed sloppy, open-mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You were brought back to the moment when you heard the TV from the living room. You caught JJ's face in your hands and leaned back signaling him to stop, "J, stop." His eyes scanned your face, "What? Why?" You took a deep breath, "If we have sex right now, we will never talk about the last four days. Plus, Sarah and John B. are in the living room." He smirked and started to nip at your neck again, "Oh, come on. Nothing they haven't heard before." You relaxed back, sitting on J's thighs, "I'm serious." He sighed and his shoulders dropped, "I know."

You pushed his unkempt locks out his face and he winced a bit. Your brow furrowed as your finger guided his chin back, illuminating his eye in the moonlight, "Jayj..." He took your hands in his, "It looked worse four days ago." "Is that why you didn't come home? I can handle a black eye, babe." He ran his hands up and down your thighs, "I didn't want to scare you." "You not coming home for four days scared me, JJ. How did it happen?" He bit his bottom lip like he was scared to tell you the answer, "I punched my dad." You took a deep breath, "Oh, JJ. I'm gonna tell Sarah and John B. they can leave, then I'll draw you a bath." You got up and started to walk toward the bedroom door until he grabbed your wrist. He put on his best tough guy act, "I don't need you to give me a bath." You playfully rolled your eyes, "I'll meet you in the bathroom in a few."

You thanked Sarah and John B. for their support and assured Sarah you would call her later in the day once you and JJ had a chance to catch up and talk about the last few days. The bathroom door was cracked and the light was peeking out. You lightly knocked on the door and pushed it open. JJ was examining his black eye in the mirror. You came up behind him, wrapping your arms around his torso, hands sneaking just under his shirt so they rested on the warm skin of his abdomen. His breath hitched slightly and you knew it was because the tips of your fingers are always cold. He turned around to wrap his arms around you and kissed the top of your head, "Hey, baby." You wiggled out of his arms and took the first aid kit out from under the sink, "Lemme clean your cut." He began to rifle through the kit, "I can do it." You took his hands in your eyes and met his gaze, "I know but I want to." He didn't argue. You set up your peroxide, Neosporin, and a small butterfly-style bandaid on the counter. You wedged yourself between the blonde in front of you and the counter, "Help me up?" JJ lifted you up onto the edge of the counter. You placed two fingers under his chin, slightly lifting his head up to move his eye more into the light. He leaned into you a bit, between your legs, with his arms on either side of you. He sucked in a quick breath and winced a bit when you dabbed some peroxide and his very clearly not well-cleaned cut above his eyebrow, "Are we gonna talk about what happened?"

He swallowed hard and kept his eyes on his reflection in the mirror, avoiding eye contact, "I punched my dad." You brushed his hair slightly to the side with your fingers and lightly cupped the side of his face, he melted into your touch, eyes meeting yours, "J, what happened?" He took a deep breath and bit his bottom lip to keep it from quivering, "After I went to see John B., I went and saw my dad. He's staying at that broken-down motel." You never took your eyes off his. "He really thought I was gonna be happy to see him. He hugged me and I just stood there." Your eyes scanned his, searching for what he was feeling, "Did you guys talk about anything?" He shook his head no, "He asked for money." You weren't surprised, "Did you give him any?" JJ placed his hands on your thighs, slowly moving his hands up and down, a self-soothing motion he's been doing since you meet him, "I gave him what I had in my wallet."  You asked the question you were dreading and one you already knew the answer to, "Did he hit you?" His calloused thumb traced your jawline and the outline of your lips, lingering for a moment, "You know, word still travels fast on this island." You were confused, "What does that mean?" "He asked about you and said some things he shouldn't have." Your stomach dropped and your heart sank, "You hit him first, didn't you, Jayj?" He just shook his head yes, "I'm sorry I didn't come home." Your hands found their home on his abdomen once again, you pressed a long, soft kiss to his lips, "I know." 

He pulled you into a hug, the both of you trying to hide your tears. You missed the way he smelled—oranges, the cinnamon toothpaste he insists is better than mint, and just a bit like sweat. You inhaled, savoring the scent as it overtook your senses, "God, I missed the way you smell." He let out a small laugh and pulled back to give you a contorted look, "I've been on a boat for four days. I probably don't smell that great." "You'd be surprised." He just shook his head at you, sauntering over to the shower. You expected something sinister to come out of his mouth next, "Will you wash my hair?" You raised your eyebrow at him and hopped off the counter. Your tone was teasing, "I thought you didn't need me to give you a bath?" He reached out to pinch your thigh, "I don't. I just like when you wash my hair." You rolled your eyes, "Of course, I'll wash your hair." You went over to turn on the bath and he pulled on your wrist. He pouted a bit, "No, in the shower. I want you in there with me." "Okay, fine. But no shower sex. You know I hate it, it is nothing like the movies." JJ laughed at you, "Yes, I know. Don't worry. No funny business." You let the shower heat up while steam filled the bathroom and condensation formed on the glass doors. 

You pulled JJ closer to you by the hem of his shirt. You slowly lifted his shirt up and he discarded it in a heap next to the bathroom door. His fingertips ghosted over the hem of the shirt you were wearing. It hit you mid-thigh. He slowly pulled it over your head and added it to the pile with his, your eyes staying connected the entire time. He dropped his head down, crashing his lips onto yours. You pulled at his belt loops, undoing the button and zipper and pushing his cargo shorts and boxers down his thighs. He kicked them to the side, pulling your underwear down. Your bodies were pressed together. One of his hands was gripping your hip while the other just barely traced the outline of your breast as he moved his hand up and down your side. You wrapped your arms around his neck and tugged his head back by the hair on the nape of his neck, "Hey, you said no funny business." He smirked at you, "I remember."

He took your hand in his, leading you into the steamy shower. You both stood in the cascading water—lips and tongues fervently wrapping around each other. You raked your nails down his exposed back as he sucked on the taut skin of your neck, leaving a trail of fire as his tongue licked a swipe on your jawline, his lips finding yours again. His rough hands explored every inch of your body, the water making it easy for him to glide over his favorite parts. There was something achingly delicious about just making out with JJ. It was so needy yet slow at the same time. You needed a second to catch your breath. You could barely get the words, "JJ, babe." His lips were swollen. He moved back just slightly, enough for his eyes to meet yours, "Stop distracting me, woman. I said no funny business." You playfully shook your head, taking his body soap off the shower shelf. He tutted and shook his finger, "No, no. Use yours." Oh, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew you loved the way your body wash smelled, like vanilla and brown sugar, on his warm skin just after a hot shower.

You pumped some of your body wash between your hands and rubbed them together making the soap a bit foamy. You pushed up on your toes, pressing a soft kiss to the skin underneath his ear lobe and then his collarbone. You began to trail your hands down his shoulder and arms then over his chest as you continued to press kisses wherever you could manage to get your lips. His head dropped back. You noted the effect you had on him as you pressed another kiss right to the middle of his tan torso. The last four days he spent on the boat reflected in his sunkissed skin. He took your shoulders and turned you around, pulling you back into his chest for a moment, "Your turn." He kissed your shoulder before lathering your back, reaching around your front, covering you in body wash, and giving your chest a light, playful squeeze. You yelped when he took one of your nipples between his thumb and index finger, rolling it between the fingertips. You quickly snapped around, pretending to be upset, "No funny business." He put his hands up in surrender, pretending to be sorry, "I couldn't help myself." 

You squeezed some shampoo into your wet hands. JJ leaned down so you could tangle your fingers into his blonde locks. He let out a relaxed sigh as your fingertips worked through his hair, massaging his scalp, "You're so good at that." You smiled at him and moved his head slightly to rinse the shampoo away. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pushing up on your toes to meet his lips. You spoke against his lips, "Go get ready for bed, I'm gonna wash my hair. I'll be out in a few." He knew better than to come between you and your shampoo routine, "Oh, come on. I'll watch." He looked you up and down and winked. You playfully swatted at his chest, "Get out of here." He scrunched his nose in defeat, "Fine."

It was very early in the morning, but still dark outside. The moon was big tonight and the light was coming through the blinds. You walked into the bedroom to see JJ scrolling through his phone. His hair was still damp and sticking out in every which way. He was on top of the covers, basketball shorts hung low on his hips, and his tan torso was only slightly visible from the moonlight and light coming from his phone screen. You stood in front of the dresser and dropped your towel, feeling his eyes on you. You rifled through your drawer for a minute and dug out a pair of underwear and pulled on one of JJ's shirts. You knew he was watching you get dressed, probably smirking to himself about how your shirt wasn't going to be on long, so why even bother...

You climbed up on the bed crawling on top of him. You straddled his waist, taking his phone out of his hands and placing it on the side table. With his features soft in the moonlight and his hair still messy from the shower, you swore he was the prettiest boy you'd ever seen. Your fingers danced along his chest as you leaned down to kiss him. It was soft at first. He deepened the kiss, his tongue slowly licking your bottom lip to gain entrance. Your hips rolled into his and he squeezed your waist. He slowly traced your waistband, "Can I?" You nodded and smiled into the kiss, "Yeah." His hand slipped past your waistband and his thumb began to work itself in circles. You moaned into his mouth. You were putty in his hands and he knew it.

He sat up and wrapped your legs further around his waist. His thumb continued to work against you as he peppered sloppy, open-mouthed kisses to your neck. JJ removed his hand and you huffed in annoyance. His voice was low, "Open." You opened your mouth and two of his fingers met your tongue, "Suck." You did as you were told. Once his fingers were wet and slick with your saliva, which he really didn't need, his hand dipped back beneath your waistband and he sunk two fingers inside you. You clenched around his fingers as he pumped them in and out of you. He moaned into your mouth, "God, you're wet." You broke the kiss and looked at him, his bright blue eyes had darkened and his pupils were blown out, "I wonder why." He had a devilish grin on his face as his fingers began to move faster. You wanted to savor the moment. You fought every instinct to ride his fingers into oblivion, "S-slow down." He was cocky, "You want me to stop?" You rolled your eyes as his fingers made a dead stop inside of you, "Please, no. Just slow down." 

You were a mess in his lap as he started moving his fingers again, slower. As he pumped his fingers in and out of you, you rolled your hips into him, desperate for some sort of friction. You were close. You could feel the knot in your stomach getting tighter. Your head fell back as you continued to work against each other. He practically growled at you, "Look at me." Your eyes met his, "J, I-I-I'm..." You were stuttering and could barely get a word out. He kissed you hard, his fingers began to move faster, "You gonna come for me?" You fervently shook your head "yes," reconnecting your lips. Sweat began to form on your forehead as you began to reach your high. You clenched around JJ's fingers, hard as you came crashing down, right in his lap. He kissed your jaw, "Good girl." His fingers stayed inside you as you caught your breath. Your chest was heavy as it moved up and down. JJ's fingers slipped out of you and you whimpered at the loss of contact.

You sat there, your legs still wrapped around his waist, and foreheads pressed together. You laughed a little, "Thank you." You were giddy and it felt like the first time he had ever touched you. A slightly puzzled look spread across his face, "You're welcome?" His voice raised a bit like it was a question. You blushed, "What? That was good." He pressed his lips against yours. The kiss was soft and innocent, nothing like the mood a few moments earlier. He pushed your hair behind your ear, "I really am sorry." You kissed him back, "I know." 

part 3? requests?

[shifuto]

I wonder if Lu Guang is that way because of his power

I finished rewatching season 1 and, honestly, it feels like his power is a curse: he is able to observe the past through photos, going as far as 12 hours in the "future" of these photos. He cannot change that past or intervene in any way

he has no choice but think/act critically, to remain detached, and it makes me wonder how much of the "future" has he seen through photos, about his own future, about his family, about his friends. We know very little about him and absolutely nothing about his past

of course, things started changing when he met Cheng Xiaoshi and they were able to use their abilities together - it was a perfect fit after all: an observer guiding the actor, judgment and execution

but their personalities are just too different so a lot of conflicts arise..

in episode 5, I guess was the moment when the cracks start to show.. so far, Lu Guang have been observing and, while with Cheng Xiaoshi, walking through the past while trying to not change much - and he is right after all.. changing the past can cause the future as they know to stop existing, which would mean even their lives could be no more

did he take that risk before? Or was it just preventive? Is he scared of changing the past if he had the opportunity to do so because that would mean a new present? He won't touch on certain nodes and paradoxes out of a taboo of sorts?

I guess, logically, it seems easier to be a mere spectator (while, if you're the one dealing with something, of course you'll want to change a "bad" outcome or make a move) but is it really easier.....?

and, if I understood his power well, it really does mean he can see the future. If he sees a photo from the "present" moment, let's say.. taken minutes ago, he would still be able to see 12 hours ahead, huh? He can know what will happen to anyone at anytime and he's absolutely powerless to do anything about it (if he so wishes)

I wonder if his overall detachment has to do with that, with the pain of merely observing through a power he probably had no choice but obtaining/being born with, with all the prospective loss and death he must have witnessed (when the "links" are lost and he can't see any further), maybe there's a fear of getting too close to someone, anyone, just to lose them in the end

Lu Guang approached him, Cheng Xiaoshi "picked" him up and they became friends and work partners. Because their powers are a complement to each other, their relationship has, at least, that common point. It's interesting to see Lu Guang being constantly "tested" by Cheng Xiaoshi's "unpredictable" predictability, and seeing how he adapts and changes

it is also interesting seeing how his detachment put a huge strain on their relationship at times. Cheng Xiaoshi has no intention of changing him after all, that's where and how they met each other, that's how their relationship started and how it's been working so far (and the feeling is probably mutual, too.. it explains why Lu Guang goes "with the flow" more often than not, even if he's the one that has to fix the other's mistakes as they come)

"please, show that you care"

"I can't"

he cares but he shouldn't care, that will only cause pain

I also wonder about Cheng Xiaoshi's power a lot.. it seems he has not used it before on his own?

I wonder if his power is actually an extension of Lu Guang's, since he's the one that seems like the person who made the "terms" in which his power is activated ("the promise of a high five" explained in episode 9)?

so we have the mysterious Lu Guang, who seemed knowledgeable of these powers and their implications and consequences, and Cheng Xiaoshi, who started dealing with the aftermath and trauma of these "dives" first-hand

...

it's likely we'll never get explanations for most these questions.. but I guess that can be a good thing, too

now onto season 2 rewatch..

[indierpgnewsletter]

New Games From December 23 and January 24

I. Dear Reader Another regularly scheduled roundup of games that have been released on itch.io that caught my eye over the last two months. Usual disclaimer that I haven’t really read or played these games; they just seem cool based on the pitch alone. Also, most of them now come to me by people using this form.

Protect the Child: A Forged in the Dark game about monsters caring for a strange, mystical child. Playtest version. (Mintrabbit, Free)

Aftermath: A solo-friendly sci-fi about a team of first responders trying to make the world a better place after a terrible war. (Ember and Ash)

Space Aces: Voyages in Infinite Space: A comedy scifi sandbox inspired by the Hitchhikers’ Guide. (Stephen Hans)

The Connection Machine: A cerebral scifi game about exploring a dreamlike world and overcoming trauma. (Tanya Floaker & Julia Nevalainen)

Daybreak on the Battlefield: An unofficial set of extra playbooks for Girl by Moonlight, the excellent magical girls game. (Ben K Rosenbloom)

Buried in Ice: A mystery for Apocalypse Keys, the Hellboy-inspired PbtA game. Something trapped in a glacier thaws out and causes havoc. (Morgan Eilish)

Boyfriend Dungeon: Life on the Edge: The videogame gets officially adapted into a PbtA game. Explore your inner psyche, confront you fears, and also smooch swords. (Trumoi)

Like Real People Do: A two-player prompt-driven game about a mage trying to keep secrets in a vault but the vault wants to be a real person. (Meghan Cross)

The Mystery Business: Scooby Doo-inspired mystery solving game with no combat. You beat the baddies by setting traps to catch them. (Greg L)

The Flood Bell Tolls in Saint Magnus: A system-neutral campaign set in a drowning city on the verge of rebellion. (Tempest RPG, PWYW)

Also, cheeky last minute addition, the Showcase Zero bundle features games that came out of my playtest community. It’s got my scifi horror game, This Ship Is No Mother, as well as the mecha game of friendship and war, Spectres of Brocken and more.

II. Media of the Week

People Make Games take a good look at jubensha, a gaming phenomenon in China that started out just as spiffy murder mystery party games but has transformed into much more, including what sounds like scripted larps where everyone cries at the end. Really cool story.

The new season of DiceExploder is back with John Harper talking about Psi*Run, a unique game by Meguey Baker that should’ve inspired a slew of games but inexplicably didn’t.

Please consider joining 100+ other patrons and support the newsletter on patreon to help keep me going.

If you’ve released a new game on itch.io this month, let me know through this form so I can potentially include it in the end of the month round-up.

III. Links of the Week

Reviews

Indie Game Reading Club reviews Stonetop, the community-focused iron age fantasy game from Jeremy Strandberg.

It’s a solid review and also features this neat bit of analysis about how PbtA developed: “Monsterhearts spawned the branch of PbtA games that are concerned with constrained, evocative moves with a strong editorial voice. Dungeon World, conceived as a reverse-engineering of Dungeons & Dragons style play, is concerned with efficiently resolving tasks, boiling down the activity to its core essence.”

Cannibal Halfling reviews Free League’s vanilla-ish fantasy game, Dragonbane: “…when we live in the world of Old-School Essentials (also a translation, though from Gygax to English instead of Swedish to English), there’s clearly recognized value in taking an old system, cleaning it up, and sending it back out.”

Explore Beneath and Beyond has a blog series reviewing and discussing all the early adventures and scenarios published for D&D. This is part one.

Possum Creek Games publish their 2023 year in review including completing the mammoth Yazeba’s Bed and Breakfast.

DIY & Dragons explains why we should all probably stick to calling it “Jaquaysing”.

A short post about the oldest ttrpg forums – usenet groups.

Misc

ZineMonth 2024 is around the corner and since the “official” site isn’t ready yet, there’s an unofficial” page listing all the projects being crowdfunded. Take a look and submit your own if you’re doing one.

There’s a game jam to create a megadungeon in honour of Jennell Jaquays.

From the archive

Skerples’ cool blog post about how to portray aliens and alien intelligences in your game, approaching it from a bunch of different angles. (Issue #8, Sep 2020)

[lilas]

meg PLS tell us about the symbolism of avi’s relationships 🩷 (can emile be earth? is there air?)

BLESS for enabling me gigi <3<3

unhinged ramblings about avi and shameless wolshipping (and wolxwol shipping ;3) below, viewer discretion advised:

OKAY SO

Aymeric, to Avi’li, is fire in the way that a hearth warms a room in winter. He is home and shelter in the middle of ceaseless winter, during a time where Avi’li feels lost and alone. That is what they were to each other, especially since, to me, Aymeric is on a pedestal much like Avi’li is. They are saviors who do the hard thing, make the hard choice, and they share this understanding and find comfort in each other.

But wanderers do not stay at the hearth for long—they leave and the hearth cannot come with them. Aymeric remains a shelter and a guiding light for his people while Avi’li moves on.

—

Yugiri, to Avi’li, is fire in the way that fire and heat pulse through the veins of revolution. She is a wildfire that burns with righteous purpose for her people, and that fire keeps burning after the battle is won and weapons are laid down. Avi’li burns with similar fire in his veins, ignited by Zenos and injustices wrought. The flames that in them are not quenched after victory, so that emotion finds a new target to consume in each other. Their affair is a force of aimless power and drive turned into lust. It burns hot and intense… but then Avi’li burns out in another world and he cannot remain in that fire anymore.

There’s a song on the yuvi playlist, Harbour Lights, that comes to mind:

We both know I cannot come home // The water rose faster than I could run

I feel like it captures this feeling of being extinguished in this context. When Avi’li loses his fire that was essential to this relationship with Yugiri, the relationship could not continue. They never had the chance to adapt to a new dynamic.

—

Erenville, to Avi’li, is like water in the way that Avi’li is feeling the full brunt of his own emotions for the first time in five years. The dam broke in Shadowbringers, and in the aftermath of Endwalker Avi’li was left with this mire of unresolved trauma and pain with no clear source.

Erenville is like water in the way that he just happened to be there to keep Avi’li from completely drowning. He is water in how refreshing his perspective is, how he treats animals, how he adapts to the world around him. He is water in the space he gives Avi’li to explore the depths of himself, and the depths of their new relationship.

Avi’li has also lived most of his life around water; he grew up on an island, and Limsa Lominsa is his second home. Erenville is easy to be with, right now in this moment, and it feels natural and comforting to be with him—a similar feeling to being in Limsa or on the islands of his childhood.

To be concise, during a time where Avi’li was drowning, Erenville helped him swim.

There are a few songs on the aville playlist that have references to water throughout that are cornerstones of how I see their relationship evolving.

—

AND EMILE, earth is perfect for how Avi’li sees him. Earth and nature is so intrinsic to their relationship I feel—they’re both travelers and adventurers, digging through ruins, exploring subterranean dungeons, and dealing with wildlife.

I feel like their relationship would be so natural and just like “yeah, of course it would be like this” or “of course I would find you here.”

Emile is earth to Avi’li in the way that the roads they walk bring them together. Even when they part, and their paths diverge, they tread the same ground and eventually their paths will meet again. Avi’li counts on it.

[mr-buisson-bosquet]

Am I the only one who thinks that Kouen (Enma)‘s treatment in the second movie was quite messed up ?

I mean- The kid was assigned as king but his second in command legit locked him up and asked him for resignation because he thought that he wasn’t worthy of his title. I know that kouen could easily escaped from it but you can’t deny that it’s not fucked up.

And ngl, Zazel feels like a character that can’t cope with the loss of his previous lord.

Absolutely not ! You're not the only one, I also think Kouen's treatment was just... absolutely messed up in the second movie ! Not only was he completely mistreated, but Zazel also made it ten times worse...

There's a lot to talk about as far as they are concerned, but I tried to keep it as short as I could ! I apologize in advance for any mistakes or if it is overdevelopped ! Also don't hesitate to send me any other questions about Yokai Watch !

I feel like the end of the second movie does not answer the issue their story wanted to tackle.

The whole point was to help Zazel moving on from his trauma of losing Ancient Enma from very probably a disease (which is even more cruel considering it must have been killing him since numerous years), and finaly enabling him to move on and accepting Koen as the new ruler of the Yomakai. Sadly, instead of actually showing us that even if he appears as evil, he remains a father figure deeply caring for Koen, a litteral child ! By admitting his faults and showing affection towards him... they prefered to show us that in the attitude of Koen, Zazel still saw Ancient Enma in him, as shown below.

Which is totaly the opposite of what the meaning of this story was supposed to be ! By this action, Zazel doesn't only shows us that he still is not ready to move on, but even worse ! He is still trying to cling to the last remainings of his beloved king that he sees through Enma.

Which would also explain a lot of things about him. For example, why he chose a sickness over every other ways to restrain Koen without it appearing suspiscious. The same sickness that took away Ancient Enma. Another example would be how he quite litteraly locks up Enma in his own palace to make him fill up paperwork. And apart from his obvious hatred of humans, it could also be interpreted as a desperate need for control. To be able to protect at all cost the "New body of Ancient Enma", while shape-shifting it to his heart's content in order to make him act exactly like his predecessor.

And obviously, such an unhealthy relationship couldn't bring any good to a young and manipulable child such as Koen.

Firstly, he was assigned as king in his early childhood, very probably because of the chaotic situation surrounding the aftermath of his birth, as seen in Forever Friends, which burdened him with way too much responsabilities and duties.

This very probably is an element explaining his quite rebellious personality, especially towards authority.

But as if it wasn't enough to mess him up, he could not even be comforted and guided by his only parental figure left after Ancient Enma passed away ! No wonder he purposefully stayed trapped by Nurari to beat him right after with absolute rage. He simply doesn't know how to respond to stress and his emotions in general other than through anger.

Furthermore, he could not even express his personality, as Zazel would not give him any chance. This could also be the answer as to why he runs away to the human realm so often in order to finally express himself. All he did was trying his best to keep up with all the standards he had set up for himself, while begging for guidance, and acting like the child he is.

[andiwriteordie]

mike wheeler and firebending, thoughts? 🎤

maddy i am so late to this mostly because the atlagate asks piled up and i panicked and was like AH I NEED TO WRITE A LOT OF STUFF DOWN BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME.

but i'm here now! catching up on more mike wheeler and firebending thoughts.

mike's firebending is a representation of how mike needs to be needed/how he thinks he has to offer something to someone else in order for them to reciprocate his love and his care for them... so obviously, his relationship with his bending is something that's complicated. he spends so much of his time trying to be something he's not, trying to live up to nancy's standards, trying to improve his bending to better protect his friends (namely will), trying to just be good enough and useful enough for the people he loves (and really, for himself).

which then makes me want there to be a point in this story where mike loses/nearly loses his ability to firebend.

look, we all know that i'm a huge fan of the mike wheeler gets vecna'd storyline in s5 (please i am still on my knees begging for this i want it almost as much as i want byler.) so, again, still throwing rocks around in my brain, still bothering nic and getting their thoughts as well, still putting the pieces together of this little (*cough* massive *cough*) au, but nic and i had talked about wanting at some point to have a moment where will nearly loses mike. expanding on our ideas on that will come later (because that's a whole huge separate ask on its own LOL), but long and short of it, it's essentially the idea that mike, like max, gets targeted by henry and nearly dies from it.

anyways, where my brain is wandering to on its own is the thought that, i've discussed how max loses her sight in the aftermath of what henry does to her (because of the lack of oxygen to the brain leading to blindness in her case) how eventually she learns to earthbend again using toph's seismic sense technique. i've discussed a little bit how will struggles to airbend again because of his own encounters with henry affect his ability to breathe—both from a physical sense of like... fucked lungs and such, but also because of the trauma/panic of being reminded of that ordeal every time he tries to bend.

but now imagining mike after being targeted by henry? mike wakes up, only because will was able to help him keep breathing until help came (oop a max and lucas parallel right there!). mike's lungs not functioning as well because of the damage of henry's airbending techniques. mike being hardly able to breathe without assistance, having to go through the same kind of airbender guided physical therapy as his lungs recover.

and what do we know about firebending?

that it comes from the breath.

so, the stakes are higher than they ever were before, because henry is stronger than every and beginning his assaults on hawkins, and mike... mike is effectively benched for the time being. he's just beginning to come to his own as a firebender, and then this happens, and he's angry. he feels useless and terrified, and he hates the idea of his family, of his friends, of will going back out there into this fight against henry, while he's back here, struggling to breathe and do even basic firebending again.

but we get the reversal of what we saw when will had similar issues with his airbending, where now will is the one helping mike relearn how to breathe. and mike confides in will and confesses to him that he feels so useless—that he doesn't know who he is without his firebending and sure, it's always been mediocre, he's no nancy, but at least, he's been able to do the basics. he can throw himself into danger even if he's not so good at bending, and he can be there, fighting alongside his friends. but now? now, mike doesn't know if he can do that, and he's scared because he knows will is going to end up going up against henry again too. he feels entirely useless.

and we just... we get a moment—i suppose the semi-equivalent of the van/heart moment—where will gets to affirm mike and remind him of his value that exists outside of his bending and even more than that, outside of everything he feels like he has to give to the world in order to be loved. it's a moment of pure love, because will has never needed mike to be great at bending or be able to protect him in order for will to love him. will just loves mike for who he is—kind, loyal, brave, intelligent, and so, so full of love.

interruption trope occurs because mike absolutely almost kisses will after this, since it's becoming more obvious that their feelings for each other are Not Platonic. gotta love a good byler interruption trope