#has to be biological or it doesnt count <3

[lanaevyssmoved]

something something fandoms obsession with turning their favourite men into parents in such a way that completely alienates gay fans and excludes them. something... making their favourite men who are canonically bi or pan as Straight As Possible

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

What if the events of Lost But Never Found (your au with the amnesiac 2012 Leo turned battle nexus champion) happened in the same universe as Ghost In The Shell (SAINW Donnie adopting the rise kids) how would Ghost react to that?

Oho :)

Imagine being Ghost for a second. You and your family just managed to send the Shredder back to its Prison Dimension (or at least you hope that Big Mama would keep her word on that, but knowing her its honestly a gamble) and as you're going home, Leo suddenly runs ahead yelling that they need to hurry, they need to go help Indigo. Who the hell is Indigo?

Well when you and your family get back Leo hurries to the medbay, and you naturally follow him.

Only to see another mutant turtle wearing strange armor and wraps, badly injured, covered in so many scars, barely conscious and most importantly, holding a knife to Donnie's throat.

Well he is until he passes out from bloodloss and exhaustion.

How are you even supposed to process that?

Once he's out of the of the armor (so many more scars were hidden underneath) and bandaged up, a blood test is drawn.

And it turns out that not only is this turtle actually a mutant, but a biological match to Hamato Yoshi.

Aka Splinter.

Even worse, this kid says he's been fighting in the Battle Nexus quote "For as long as I can remember" (which for Indigo/Leo is only 4 months. He's been in this dimension for 4 months and he cant remember anything before the 4 months so... :3)

Ghost is devastated. This...this is one of his kids. One of his children was forced to fight in the Battle Nexus for so long that he doesnt remember anything from before the Nexus. (not really but thats the only conclusion you could draw based on the many MANY scars it makes sense to come to that conclusion)

How did this happen? Did Draxum make another turtle using Splinter's DNA? Or was Indigo created at the same time as the others? If so why did he get left behind? How did he end up in the Nexus and in Big Mama's clutches?

Did...did Draxum sell Indigo to Big Mama? Or just give him up? Did Big Mama have Indigo trained purely to fight in the Nexus? She's clearly not above putting loved ones in the arena, she did it to Splinter already.

Still raising a child just to make him fight to the death? Thats so unbelievably evil and cruel. Ghost thought Big Mama wouldnt stoop that low.

But the scars covering Indigo's body (some of which are several YEARS old), the pure exhaustion in his strange eyes, the pure survival instincts so deeply ingrained into this kid is all the proof you need.

Can he even be called a kid? He looks older than the kids, even older than Raph. Indigo looks like he's 18-20 at the minimum...but if he's truly been fighting in the Battle Nexus for years it would make sense for him to look much older than he actually is.

Ghost understands, god he understands, in the Battle Nexus every fight is life or death, kill or be killed. Recovering from that ordeal is beyond difficult. And Indigo has presumably been in the Battle Nexus for much loger than Ghost has.

So I can imagine that Ghost would be the most patient while trying to help Indigo adjust now that not every moment is a fight to survive. (Especially when dealing with Indigo's very murdery tendencies. If Indigo feels like you are a threat to either himself or his brothers there is a very HIGH chance you will end up dead. He became one of the top FIVE battle nexus fighters for a reason.His current body count is 301 for a reason)

But Ghost is also the most protective over the new family member. (You thought Ghost was motherhening the Rise kids wait till he starts with Indigo. If Big Mama or Draxum even look at Indigo they better pick a god and pray. Indigo is still healing and Ghost will be damned if he lets his new child suffer anymore than he already had too.)

Indigo is basically Ghost's worst fear for the Rise kids come true. A kid who lost his entire childhood fighting battles that werent his and didnt have a choice in the matter. He didnt get to be a kid.

And now Indigo has dozens of scars, physical and mental, all because of Big Mama being a selfish asshole and force her own child to become a battle nexus champion

But...things will start to make Ghost question how true his current theory is. Like for example, Indigo is physically different from the Rise kids. (Short and stocky, round three toed feet) the strange nightmares that start becoming more and more frequent as time goes on (and oddly specific too, like sinking in the ocean, helmet exploding in outer space, getting attacked by a metal monster in the winter, getting thrown through a window, decapitating a metal and bone monster) the fact that he primarily uses twin katanas as weapons, little mannerisms that keeping showing up that remind Ghost too much of Leonardo.

And the gaps in the story dont help. How old was Indigo when he first started fighting in the Battle Nexus? Who trained him before that (because it is OBVIOUS that Indigo has gotten formal training that the Battle Nexus would provide) why doesnt Indigo recognize Draxum? Why doesnt Draxum know who Indigo even is? Why does Indigo act so much like Leonardo sometimes that its uncanny?

Too many things dont add up about that story

However unlike Donnie, Ghost can understand keeping secrets (he has so, so many secrets) so he doesnt try to pry too much. But he cant help but wonder what exactly happened to Indigo

Little does Ghost know, that Indigo already has a family thats looking for their big brother...

(@bluepeachstudios I borrowed ghost for a second, also love GITS its one of my favorite fics now)

[d0omzdayfursuitz]

Just had a fight with my dad in one of the very few "i get to sort-of bond with my kid that has pushed away from me" times he gets and guess what 😁😁 he doesnt get to spend time with me anymore :3

Out of nowhere he just started a conversation that somehow led into him disregarding the danger i'm in and the struggles i face wowie

Like i get it, you dont think i should have rights. I should get beaten to death. Like wow i know that so shocking maybe dont mention it to me?????

He doesnt even actually say violent and actively bad things to me, its like he thinks of "the gays" and i'm somehow the exception even though i count in the argument, and i will be affected by anything the rest of us are affected by.

Anyway i revoked him of his bonding time priveleges and my mom and grandma held me while i cried. Dad doesnt have tumblr or my account so i can say this, but mom has said that she would divorce him if she needed to. But honestly, and we both agree, the extra salary in our household right now is good, and the problems with custody in divorce would be too much of a hassle.

Anyway, i've become emotionally detatched from him for a while now, ever since i turned ten i thingk, but i'm still biologically coded to care about his opinions and need his acceptance so isnt that just great.

[sierrawr]

Summary: You've been thinking about the fact that the victim was Jay's sister. And you went home only to received a sudden call from your stepmother that you're awkward with, and a call from your father the next day for something that you wish you're prepared for.

TEASER | TEASER 2 | CHAPTER 1 | CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5

Pairing: Attorney! reader × Undercover Police! Jay

Genre: Thriller, mystery, slow-burn, Kdrama spin-off

Triggered Warning!: None

Word count: 2512 words

Inspired by: Kdrama "Why Her?" and "Siren" by Taeyeon

Song Recommendations: "Changes" by G-Idle

It's been 2 hours since Jay dropped you off at your penthouse suite since it's a bit late to go to the Yang's mansion and you are not in the mood to talk to your step mother. Things have always been awkward between you and your step mother, Eugene, ever since the day you over heard that she is not your biological mother a few years ago. 

"I want the best for my child and I have the right as his mom to choose what is the best for him. Let me send Jungwon to Seattle."

You vaguely heard those words from the outside of your father's office room at the mansion. Luck was on your side because the door was not completely closed which gave you an opportunity to go closer and eavesdrop a bit more.

"He would ask about Serena if she doesn't go to Seattle with him. You know how close he is with Serena."

Your stepmother took a step closer to your father.

"If you have forgotten, Chairman Yang, Serena is your daughter, not mine. All I care about is my own son, Jungwon."

Your eyes widened in shock. You didn't even realize that you were inside the office room standing right in between your father and your stepmother. 

"Is that true?"

Silence. Everything suddenly became quiet and the tension grew even more. Desperate for the truth, the lack of response sparks your anger and rage.

"I ASKED BOTH OF YOU IS THAT TRUE, FATHER?!" 

Your father only looks somewhere else but you, avoiding your eyes. Meanwhile, your stepmother comes closer to you before she kneels down to your eye level.

"Your father won't give you the truth so I'll be the one to reveal it to you. It's true. I am not your biological mother. Your father divorced her to marry me and she left you to your father."

She paused for a moment and you saw tears forming in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Serena, Jungwon is your stepbrother and not your biological brother. Both of you are not biologically related to each other."

Betrayal was what you feel and despite your stepmother treating you as usual, you found it hard to talk to her like before. You would have your meal a bit early or late depending on the presence of your parents. You learned that Jungwon doesnt know this fact so you keep it from him and put distance between you and him. You know that it would hurt him and it did. But you had no other choice because it hurts you too knowing that both of you are not related by blood.

A week before Jungwon's flight, You got into a heated argument with Jungwon about your change of behavior and attitude towards him.

"누나, did I do something wrong? Why can't you tell me what's happening? Why are you being cold to me? What did I do?

You got frustrated by his presence let alone his questions. So you just decided to ignore him.

"Are you really going to treat me like this? I'm about to be send off to another fucking country and you don't even care about that! What has gotten into you?!"

You got alarmed when Jungwon cursed because he's not the type to swear or use foul language mindlessly. But you were determined to let your ego win.

"Alright. I guess this is it. I hope you will always remember that you were the one that ruined our bonds. Don't try to blame me if I give you a cold shoulder and attitude that's much more worse than you gave me."

With that, Jungwon walked away intentionally colliding his shoulder with yours. He didn't even care to spare a glance at you and just left you heartlessly in front of your bedroom's door.

Those painful memories start playing inside your head and you decide to take a long hot shower to ease the tension and your stress. Because you know well that sooner or later, you'll still have to face your stepmother. 

You get out of the bathroom and the clock on your phone reads 2:05 am. You could care less about going to work tomorrow because you don't know how to approach Jay knowing that you might know something crucial about his sister's death.

Suddenly, your phone lights up as a message pops out. It's from your stepmother which kind of caught you off guard. You take a moment to have a deep breath before you open up the message to read it.

Meet me at Dalkomm Cafe in the afternoon tomorrow if you're not busy. I have something to tell you.

You left it  on read for a while pondering whether you should meet your stepmother or not. You don’t even realize that your eyes begin to feel heavy and heavier as minutes pass by. And just like that, you slowly lost your consciousness with your phone on your chest at the bed.

You wake up in the next morning as the sunshine lights up your penthouse suite through the glass windows. Not long after that, the sound of the blaring alarm that you set on your phone is heard. You planned to meet Jay today to discuss something that is related to his sister’s case. But you decided to meet your stepmother first at the cafe that she mentioned.

As soon as you arrive at the cafe, your eyes are immediately fixed on a figure who is sitting elegantly while sipping on a tea or coffee that she ordered. When the two of you meet each other’s eyes, you know that there’s no turning back so you just go ahead and take a seat in front of your stepmother who has been waiting for your presence.

“It’s been a while isn’t it, Serena?” 

She greets you with a smile and you find it awkward.

“I’m quite busy today so please cut to the chase, 어머니 (mother).”

You make sure to avoid her eyes at all costs.

“Don’t you think you’re being mean to your mother, Serena?”

As if something triggered you, you scoff and somehow find the strength to look at her eyes.

“Didn’t you mean stepmother? After all, apparently, I am not your child, right?”

Her expression becomes softer as she tries to hold your hand on the table.

“I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I know that you are hurting but so am I. It hurts me that I had to separate Jungwon from you while hoping that you would know the truth someday. Your father not only keeps his secret from you but me too.”

You try to search for lies in her eyes but you couldn’t. Her eyes tell you that she is saying the truth just like at that time. Because her eyes look the same as that moment when she hit you with the truth about not being your biological mother.

“If I ask you for the truth.. Would you still give it to me just like on that day when I learned that you are not my biological mom?”

Your hands get warm when she gently holds it with a firm grip while her eyes looking straight at yours.

“Of course, dear. You deserve to know how your father is such a piece of trash.”

Then she started to explain about how your father married your biological mother and why they divorced. 

“Your mother’s name is Seo Gina. She was my deskmate and my best friend during our high school days. I was happy when she got married to your father because his family took care of her when she lost her parents. They were happily married for 4 years until she couldn’t stand his obsession about wanting a male heir for the Young Group legacy.”

Your heart clenched so hard when you heard your mother's real name. It's as if that name has always been close to you despite you never heard of it and barely have memories of your biological mother.

"Was my mom unhappy with her marriage?"

Mrs Yang slowly nodded her head as her reply to your question

"She was very unhappy. She was tortured mentally and emotionally by the intense pressure from the Yang family. So she filed for a divorce and ran away after she left you to the Yang family."

You purse your lips trying to suppress the feeling of sadness and sorrow that you feel..

"So that's why father doesn't really care about me.. He only wanted a male heir and couldn't care less about his own daughter. His own flesh and blood."

Mrs Yang couldn't take it and ran to your side to give you a hug. The hug feels so distant yet so close. Your cold heart feels as if it's melted after a long time yearning for it.

"Listen, here. Your father is a dangerous person. He doesn't control the laws, he is the law itself. I've known you since forever, you are nothing less than my own child. So, I will do anything to protect you and Jungwon. I know it's not easy for you but I need you to trust me on this."

Your stepmother left the cafe after you said that would think about trusting her regarding your past and the information about your biological mother. You begin to pondered a lot about the times when she took care of you and Jungwon. You even remember how she would watch over you from afar when you're playing with Jungwon because Jungwon was too playful and stubborn when he was a toddler.

“I almost passed by this cafe until I saw a familiar Range Rover nearby. I’m glad I come to this cafe.”

You got startled when someone who turned out to be Jay, suddenly popped up in front of you out of no where. and took a sit in front of you which is the seat that was taken by your stepmother earlier.

“You surprised me! When did you arrived here? Aren’t you supposed to be meeting Inspector Kim today? ”

Jay quietly stares at the tea cup that is almost empty which is left by your step mother for a few second before he take a seat in front of you which is the same seat that was taken by your stepmother earlier.

“I guess I won’t have to prepare a surprise for you when my existence itself is a suprise to you. It feels really great though. Is this how it feels like if I’m dating you someday?”

He leaned his body closer to you with both of his elbow on the table as his hands are supporting his tilted head that looks full of dream as he look at your face. You rolled your eyes hearing his sweet nothing words and he chuckled feeling amuse of himself and his confidence to say those words to you.

That’s literally an unofficial love confession and you’re not dumb to not noticed that. But considering the fact that you have something that you hide from his regarding his sister’s death, you’d rather think about yourself first. And it is at this moment that you realised something. Jay is indeed have a feeling towards you and there’s no doubt about that.

“I was just around the corner and I saw a lady exit this cafe. Then, I noticed your car and figured that you could be inside here so now here I am.”

Jay sheepishly smiled before a waiter come to the table and take his iced americano with a croffle order.

“I’m meeting him later around 2:30 pm. So I have about an hour an half of free time right now.”

You nodded your head and stir your half finished iced tea with the straw.. 

“Who is the lady earlier? She seemed like she’s walking off from your table.”

You abruptly stop drinking the iced tea as you thinking of telling him the truth or make up a lie. But to gained his trust, you know that it’s best if you tell him the truth.

“That is my stepmother. We just had a mother-daughter conversation in here since it’s been a while since we last saw each other.”

Well, half truth half lie sounds not that bad ain’t it? Thankfully, Jay seemed to believe you and you are also saved by the waiter who serve Jay’s order right at that moment, which made him momentarily forgot about what he was going to ask you.

While Jay is having his quick brunch, you just patiently wait for him while getting lost in your thoughts, until the moment both of you exit the cafe.

“Jay.. Can I… Go along with you to meet Inspector Kim?”

Jay turned to look at you who is fiddling with your thumbs.

“Sure! I wouldn’t mind that. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t mind too, so it’s cool.. but why though? Aren’t you busy today?”

I’m sorry for what I’m doing from now on, Jay.

“No, I’m taking a day off today.”

Jay nodded his head realising that no wonder Soobin isn’t here. He was about to ask you if you would like to go by his car or yours until you got a call from your father. And that successfully make you freeze on the spot while looking at your phone screen that displays the dialer contact that reads 아버지 (father).

“You should answer that call. It’s your dad after all.”

You take a deep breath before deciding to pick up at the last minute.

“You do remember what date and day is tomorrow, right?”

Without any greetings or foreword, your father just went straight to the point. What a loving father you have, right? You put the phone away before you got a reminder note that reads

Tuesday, 25 September 2023

Jungwon’s coming home

“Yes. Of course, I remember.”

You replied with a stoic expression on your face.

“Good. You’re going to pick up Jungwon at the airport tomorrow. Your mother-”

Your father cleared his voice to cover up his little slip on his word.

“Stepmother and I are going to Busan for a business meeting. Don’t be late to to pick him up. I just sent you his contact number in case you have deleted his contact number.”

Without any other word, he ended the call leaving you feeling numb.

What do I expect? I’m not going to be the successor of Young Group. I should’ve known where my place is in the family.

“Jay.. I think I won’t be able to join you to meet Inspector Kim. Call me if there’s any information about the case. Let me know about your discussion with Inspector Kim later.”

You just left him to process about what’s happening as you go straight to your Range Rover and drive off to your penthouse suite.

You’re gonna need a warm tea, a long hot shower and a deep sleep to prepare yourself mentally, before meeting Jungwon for the first time, after the whole cold war that have been going on between the two of you.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

Mental breakdown strikes again this week that I didn't realise how short chapter 4 is, until I proofread again the whole series from Teaser to this current chapter. I hope the 2k word counts update would make up for the lack of word counts and the late update. 🫶🏻

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

© 2023; sierrawr on Tumblr.

[minimitchell]

am i the only one that thinks the pr thing has been over dramatic?? and the reaction to it.

yes callum should be involved more but thats the writers fault, callums character is quite constrained and his job doesnt help either (long hours away. police station not situated on the square)

but callum being referred to dad 3 makes sense as dad 1 is ben her biological dad , dad 2 is jay as hes been on the square longer than callum and knows lola etc. even lexi has acknowledged callum. no one has brushed him away

at the end of the day no matter who is in charge of lexi, ben wont keep her away from jay and jay wont keep her away from ben. they can all see each other and jay is currently living w/ben

i dont know how to feel with people calling ee homophobic, im a gay dude and i really see nothing homophobic happening but maybe im missing something??? if ee was homophobic then ben and callum would have never happened, they would have broken them up for good during xmas in 2019.

idk i just feel like people need to take a breather regarding this.

i agree to some degree. i think the optics of the entire pr sl are really questionable and it does have the unfortunate aftertaste that gay parents are somehow seen as less. i think ee generally doesn’t treat their lgbti+ characters the best, regardless of this sl. many aspects have homophobic undertones whether they intend it or not, same with biphobic undertones (reiss comments that were played for laughs) and lesbophobia (treatment of lesbian characters). they aren’t homophobic for this sl, they convey phobic messages in general. people are just louder rn because ballum are affected by this.

on the other hand i agree that this entire sl and discussion has been inflated artificially by the fandom. callum’s absence, albeit annoying and infuriating in parts, is sadly necessary for the story to work and reach a boiling point. same with billy’s absence in this sl by the way. it’s not some elaborate conspiracy to get rid of ballum or tony. callum’s obviously set up to be involved in the six sl and he’s on as many eps as suki is, yet no one would say she’s being phased out. some parts of the fandom have become too emotionally invested and convinced of this narrative that no positive aspect of this story or any logical explanation is being considered anymore. it’s become a very toxic negativity in parts.

it has also unfortunately led to the fact that ben and his ed have once again become the less discussed part of his own storyline. last year, some people in the fandom were so vocal in their narrative that discussion around the r*pe sl became almost entirely about callum and when he would find out (ee was called homophobic then too, remember) to the point where a website was made to count down to it. it overshadowed ben’s development (good and bad) completely and the same is being done to the ed sl right now. sorry but i think the focus this week should be on ben and his breakdown and eventual recovery, something we’ve been asking for for years. it simply isn’t and shouldn’t be about callum right now.

[riverpancakes]

hnng clarifications time

i have 200 too many ocs but im going to be listing off second, third, and fourth gen connections (like parent and child) to hopefully avoid confusion and also hopefully stop people from thinking i gave katsuki bakugou like 6 kids

starting with my second gen (visionaries)

koto aizawa is shota aizawa and hizashi yamada's ony child, shes a very busy person being a a kometologist (quirk scientist), biologist, and she's back in college working on an evolutionary science degree while also being the 1a ua homeroom teacher.

yua kirishima is the oldest of the bakugou-kirishima family kids, shes biologically the daughter of mina ashido and eijirou kirishima but she was legally adopted by katsuki bakugou at some point so legally she has 3 parents. shes a professional soccer player and the creator of any organization that helps people with mutation quirks.

takumi bakugou is the middle child of the bakugou-kirishima family kids, hes biologically and legally an only child but he grew up with three parents same as yua. hes married to a demon who eats people, but takumi is special so he doesnt get eaten (excluding the time he forced him to eat some of his arm but thats a story for another time!)

mansa bakugou is the youngest child of the bakugou-kirishima family kids, shes biologically only related to eijirou but legally eijirou and mina are her parents despite her last name being bakugou, shes a little bit dead as well

takayuki midoriya is the oldest child of the midoriya family kids, his personality is a 10/10 but his arms are a 1/2

kayo midoriya is the middle child of the midoriya family kids, shes a journalist and can bullshit her way out of any situation

ichirou midoriya is the youngest of the midoriya family kids, hes like kayo but evil because hes a politician

aito kaminari is the oldest of the kaminari family kids, the eyes are the gateway to the soul but if you make eye contact with him you will die in 3 minutes or else #quirkthings

iku kaminari is the middle child of the kaminari family kids, shes not allowed to talk to poeple

hoshi kaminari is the youngest of the kaminari family kids, hes deaf and has 2, count em, two loving partners

hideo iida is the oldest of the iida family kids, hes a stripper

meiko iida is the second oldest of the iida family kids, he has anxiety

baako iida is the third oldest of the iida family kids, he also has anxiety

faraji iida is the youngest of the iida family kids, hes baby

hanami amajiki is the oldest of the amajiki family kids, shes been to grippy sock jail before and is a loyal starbucks customer

emi amajiki is the youngest of the amajiki family kids, she works in a flower shop and is friends with bugs

suiren kuroiro is the oldest child of the kuroiro family kids, shesperfect but in the annoying way

yami kuroiro is the youngest child of the kuroiro family kids, he pretended to be gay for 2 years then disappeared after outting the guy he was dating (coughcoughtakumibakugoucoughcough)

keiichi tokoyami is the oldest of the tokoyami family kids, hes very insecure about his appearence be nice to him

ren tokoyami is the youngest of the tokoyami family kids, shes slimey pls dont put her in a bathtub she wont be able to get out by herself and she will cry

michi sero is hanta sero's only child, hes a forensic analytical scientist

etsuko aoyama is yuga aoyama's only child, shes a model and basically a princess

kasumi tokage is setsuna tokage and shoto todorokis only child but theres so much family drama right now she might just cut them both off

eimi ojirou is the only child of mashirao ojirou and toru hagakure, they have a severe hatred towards their mutation quirk

now for the third gen (unethereal)

tadashi bakugou is the oldest child of takumi and atsui bakugou, hes a model with severe anxiety who voluntarily became american

naoki bakugou is the middle child of takumi and atsui bakugou, they have body dysmorphia and are an assassin for funsies

akina bakugou is the youngest child of takumi and atsui bakugou, shes a twitch streamer who loves COD and is 1 of 4 in a lesbian polycule

mei villin is the only child of aito kaminari and atsui bakugou, he is dating an arsonist and is a ua support course study graduate

kae midoriya is the only child of takayuki midoriya, shes a professional animator and loves worms

ayano tachibana is koto aizawa and her husband, reiji tachibana's, only child, shes very sensitive to loud noises and reminds me of the "you have cried 47 times" thing from spongebob

emori kaminari is hoshi kaminari, etsuko aoyama, and michi sero's oldest child, he is in grippy sock jail for his crimes of... schizophrenia and severe anxiety. nice kid, was admitted against his will tho.

fukumi aoyama is hoshi kaminari, etsuko aoyama, and michi sero's youngest child, she is a critical care nurse who doesnt understand that overworking herself is ~bad~

finally the fourth gen (vexation)

rui bakugou is the only child of tadashi and sophie bakugou, shes the reason tadashi wanted to become american and move to fucking IDAHO. shes just a baby tho so i cant be mad at her too much, but shes commited a horrible crime and she will pay for it at some point

[tylerwritez]

jan 23

The fire in my heart feels like its fading. I'm just sad. At this point, I'm just sad. Maybe even hopeless. Maybe even defeated. Maybe I dont feel anything at all anymore. There's nothing left here for me. I can't do anything. I'm a living sin. I should fucking die. Like. The world is fucking hell show, nobody takes me seriously or believes a word I say, nobody really cares about me and everyone thinks I'm crazy. The world hates Christ and is full of people I can never connect to. I love Christ yet will spend my entire life in mortal sin. just dont understand why things have to be so painful. The world literally doesnt feel the same way it used to and it never fucking will. Ever again. Once you see the things that are wrong you can't unsee them. Once you feel a wall come up between you and others It dont come down. Its very damaging yknow, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, to live this life, in such total conflict and confusion. To see the sin and hate the sin but also to BE the sin, to be unable to even imagine life without the sin. Satan has overtaken me and I'm sorry Hes right. My parents wont forgive me cos I didnt smoke for 3 months. Theyll forgive me when i show them I'm better than this. Christ wont allow me into the Kingdom of Heaven until i abandon ALL SIN.... this is the most painful part.  But how can I even claim a love for Christ If I deny the biological reality He prepared for me, mutilate my body and attempt to bend Gods will and become something new??? If I deny His creation???Yknow I have hit puberty. I was 10. Now that I think about it, literally every change happened for the sole purpose of getting married to a man and having children. Having children. God wants me to have CHILDREN!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! God wants me to have children and to render myself infertile would be sinful. Thing is, there is so much pain within me about this. I cant even fathom using my old name or not compressing my chest and ribs to the point that it could possibly be fucking with my breathing. I cant

Even imagine any of the steps of a detransition without feeling vile and sick and panicking and going absolutely fucking apeshit and I know its because this is a sickness and I'm really fucking sick and honestly I'm so tired of being ILL when do i get to be healthy and well??? Like I was really fucking young when this started and I wonder if I'm just a bad fucking person and that's why I keep doing bad things. but I dont want to be a bad person.Maybe if I'd finished the Advil Job things would be better now. maybe God would take mercy on me. But now that I know better than to sin, and I continue to sin,... He proabably wont go soft on me if i try The Job again.Maybe I can repent for like a week, and then I'll be clean enough to finish it off no worries? I know suicide is sinful but if i do everything else right...  Or does this count as "jewing my way out of things"? I mean maybe I should stop looking for the easy way out. "Never abandon the principle of struggle" right ian?? Right??? Never abandon the principle of struggle until its "too hard uwu". Jeez. I really hate you. But also, why couldnt I have just been BORN male??? I always wanted to be. I feel like I'm pretty masculine in spirit, in mind... idk. I couldve made for such a good man. Why'd it have to be this way? Was it really fucking necessary?? theres a million other women why make me one of them knowing I'll hate it and hate myself and become an abomination trying to escape it?I wish I could ask God why to his face and just have honest conversation but that's not really how this works. Prayer is time with God, but like to speak with Jesus, like, over a coffee or something. I want to fix this. I just barely even undertsand it in the first place so how Can I fix it? ..... no, let's start somewhere new. How can I understand it? how can I accept it? how can I learn to like myself the way I already am? how can I find Christ, all over again? how can I be who I already am?

Fuck it. it hurts a lot and Obviously its going to be very painful, but I'm going to try. at least I'll try.

[egadds-mechanics-inc]

my mario AU thingy

Ill link the fanfic at the end of the page, but be warned, its still not done yet.. Enjoy the messy ramblings and reading!

dont be scared to ask me questions! <3

---------

E. Gadd Inc. produces a new branch, for mechanics that can fix air conditioning and lighting, hiring King Boo and Bowser.

- a swap au, mario and luigi being royals and king boo and bowser being workers.

Main roles:

King Boo and E. Gadd’s main role

- E. Gadd makes a mechanical repair team out of Bowser and King Boo.

- King Boo has 2 forms, the human vessel, and the normal boo form.

- Everyone knows about King Boo's leadership and him getting dethrone.

- King Boo's deals w/ the knowledge of some of his people being trapped into and has to deal with the time being.

- E. Gadd makes one deal with King Boo that for every 100,000 dollars the company made, he would let one of the portrait ghosts.

- King Boo is stuck with E. Gadd, not able to be taken out of the Mushroom Kingdoms limit unless E. Gadd is close by. King Boo main task is to get his people out of the paintings, E.Gadd main task is to get cash.

Bowser’s main role

Bowser is an only dad with a biological son, Bowser Jr., and seven adopted kids (the Koopa kids)

Bowser is the only one to apply to this job besides a toad that had to leave at the last second.

He also carries many other jobs.

Bowser lives in a pretty ok house with 4 bedrooms.

Bowser is very caring for King Boo at times when needed.

Bowser teaches King Boo how to do a lot of things, main one is repair

Bowser’s main task is to have a nice life with his family and to carry the company in a way.

Mario and Luigi’s main role

I guess they rule over lands but is that really bower's and king boo's issue?nah, it's not but I feel like egadd would still put them up to the task anyway, so fuck it

they are pretty normal leaders, they can be bad or good

their leadership is pretty cruel still, Luigi is Autocratic while Mario wants them to still be somewhat happy

Cackletta and Fawful’s main role

Cackletta is now the queen of the Beanbean Kinddom with her side is Fawful, they both want was best for themself and the other beanish people. Cackletta doesnt dislike Peasley’s family, rather, doesnt want any issues in the Kingdom.

Peasley’s main role

Pealsey takes the role of taking over the Beanbean Kingdom for his mother and elder metor. He has a strong dislike for the heros of the world but a even stronger one for Cackletta.

The Princesses role

Peach and Daisy take the roles of the bad guys, Peach oftens kidnapped Bowser's kid to hang out with him and Mario for things that she needs like cakes and clothes. Daisy sometimes help Peach.

---------

Their personalities 

King Boo:

still the same fellow that kinda hates everyone and makes heavy banter with everyone, he has a soft side sometimes w/ protecting some people.

Bowser:

a fucking dork and a good dad, he just wants to best for his son. he rather go with peace then fighting but if the peace doesn't work, he will fight still.

Peach:

Just a gal that lives her life in no fear, she will beat some ass if needed but deep inside, she’s still the sweet Peach well all know.

Daisy:

A pretty nice gal that's smart, she like to show off her power to her foes and loves a challenge. 

Prince Luigi:

A snarky, arrogant and opinionated dude thats power hungry, he tends to hide his real, honset personality behind a big false ego. 

King Mario:

A nice dude that likes that doesn't hate anyone in a way, a very smart gentleman that doesnt think highly of himself.

---------

Their looks

E.Gadd:

Just normal E. Gadd.

King Boo

He wears his fancy rich shit and button-up shirts and slacks to work, and a ponytail. He's a lil big boy too.

Bowser:

He wears a black sweater (or something else) and glasses, but other then that, he still has everything else, like his spike collars somewhat of long hair to the side.

Prince Luigi:

He wears a formal royal suit with a ruffled collar thing, white buttons with a hints of green. He’s right eye is missing, cover over with a wraps over his head and half of his body. He’s hair runs down to his shoulders.

King Mario:

He still looks like himself but without the hat. He wears a coat with a huge fur hood, the coat being red while the fur is white.

Peach:

She wears her hair in a ponytail, wears pink pants and a white tank top most of the times. She also sometimes will wear a green koopa shell for armor and style.

Daisy:

She looks the same but just wearing a less formal dress.

---------

Random side people’s info: 

- Antasma, Queen Shroob and Tatanga are also royals.

- Lakitu now runs a news channel under New Donk City with a few koopa helping him. - Dimentio is now a rather famous singer knowed by Flipside and MK residences with dedicated fans standing behind his every move, no questions asked. - Mimi often helps Dimentio with his live shows as a backround player for his rubees in trade. - Count Bleck is having a nice life with his lover, Timpani. - O’Chunks has made a name for himself as a strongman and competition winner, traveling the world. - Waluigi has also became a famous tennis player over the years.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/26827543/chapters/65450932

[your-iron-lung]

No Shade in the Shadow of the Cross 13

aka ‘Slow Down’; available to read on AO3 HERE

Story Synopsis:  Some weird low-key occult parties start popping up that Steve can’t in good conscience ignore and takes it upon himself to investigate. Billy gets caught up in the consequences of his meddling, and isn’t it funny? For all the strange things the Upside Down has thrown his way, it’s werewolves that Steve has trouble accepting exist.

Chapter Word Count: 7216

Pairings: Eventual Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington

Genre: Supernatural/Suspense/Drama/Horror-ish

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

Next Chapter: 14

Notes: SURPRISE!! its a SECRET DOUBLE UPDATE 'secret double update? what does it MEAN?' it means that, when i went back to re-read my story to make sure i was keeping on track for continuity purposes, i couldnt even get through the first chapter! it was just THAT BAD (imo), so i went back and re-wrote it entirely. it doesnt offer anything new in terms of plot, but boy howdy is it an upgrade to what it used to be. bless those of you who kept up with the story after reading that trainwreck

(this chapter update is dedicated to @pfandghoul​ bc they were my 100th follower here- THANKS BUDDYYYY) OH ALSO- i got a commission done of billy in the TERRIBLE OUTFIT (but with hair, bc i cant commission an artist like demonfleet and not have him draw those beautiful curls). PEEP IT HERE

-----

“Who else knows?”

Hopper’s voice, though sluggish and weighted with exhaustion, still carried with it a tone of seriousness that had Steve feeling prematurely guilty about the way the rest of the conversation was going to play out. He knew what Hopper was really asking; knew he wanted to hear confirmation that the kids weren’t somehow involved in any of this, and even though they weren’t, not yet, Steve still found himself turning his eyes away from Hopper’s authoritative stare, focusing his attention instead on the spot on the table where he’d been picking at the veneer absentmindedly. And although he knew the question was primarily directed towards himself, he let Billy answer.

“No one,” Billy said self-assuredly, a hint of surliness edging out with his tone as he exhaled a hot breath of smoke and leaned forward to stub his cigarette out in the ashtray centered between the three of them. He sat back in his seat with a grunt and a creaking of wood and promptly lit another.

Gathered in the Harringtons’ dining room- (the room itself being, remarkably, an equal point of pride to both of his parents)- the three of them sat gathered around the antique wooden table that served as a centerpiece, perched around its aged surface in differing states of dishevelment. Their collective exhaustion was as palpable as the smoke trails that had been gathering and circling slowly above their heads for the past ten minutes, in which Billy had chain-smoked three cigarettes down to the filter before either Steve or Hopper had had the chance to finish their first.

Sitting across from him, Steve could feel Hopper’s eyes, sunken and dark and weary, boring into him as he waited for his response to confirm what Billy had said.

“No one else knows,” Steve affirmed after a moment’s hesitation, in which he took a hard drag of his cigarette and exhaled with a long, drawn out sigh. He could feel the pressure of what he was going to say next catching in his throat before he cleared it and amended, “Well, not… not yet, anyway.”

“Yet.”

The repeated word dropped from Hopper’s lips like a dead weight, falling upon the three of them like a bomb. It broke whatever uneasy peace they’d managed to find in those few minutes where they’d all just sat smoking in silence, each of them trying to recover from the ordeals they’d endured over the night before reconvening to tackle them again. In its place, a taut, malevolent tension began to take form, and in it Steve could feel the enmity brewing against him.

“Yet,” Hopper repeated again, and this time there was anger in his voice. Steve winced reflexively, slowly turning his eyes up from where they’d been focused on the tabletop to meet his anger directly. “And what does ‘yet’ entail exactly, huh, kid?”

Steve opened his mouth to answer, but couldn’t force the words he wanted to use to explain out. Under Hopper and Billy’s stares, all the reasoning he’d had stored up for why he needed to at least tell Dustin what was going on left him. He could feel the trust his only two allies had in him turning into something dark and misconstrued as he sat there struggling to form a sentence, but was helpless to combat it. 

“It’s not what you think-” he started to say, but was interrupted when Billy interjected by slamming his fist down hard upon the table, rattling the ashtray in its place and silencing him instantly.

“Well what the fuck is it then, Harrington?” There was such strong mistrust in Billy’s eyes when he spoke- mistrust and vehement anger, such that Steve could practically feel the foundations they’d laid in their almost-friendship crumbling apart. “Selling me out to this pig not enough for you? You trying to go national with this shit or something? What the fuck does ‘not yet’ mean?!”

“Hey! You need to calm down,” Hopper snapped, directing his ire towards Billy, who’d begun to rise out of his seat with each word spoken in anger. “Sit down and give him a chance to explain, alright?”

But he didn’t.

“Fuck that, and fuck you,” Billy said roughly, leering across the table at both Hopper and Steve. His stomach let out a low growl that momentarily stalled him long enough for Steve to intervene before he could say anything more.

“What the fuck are you talking about, ‘go national’? Do you even hear yourself, Hargrove?” Steve spat back, exasperated, tired, and unable to keep himself from matching Billy’s aggression when it was being thrust at him. He narrowed his eyes and took another hard drag off his cigarette before continuing, saying, “Who the hell do you think would even believe me? You think I’m just going to stroll into the Hawkins Post and try to sell them a werewolf story? ‘Oh uh, yeah, some douchebag I know turns into a big bad wolf during a full moon. You might wanna print that- warn the people! Billy Hargrove’s a more literal monster than we thought!’ I didn’t even believe in any of this crap at first, who do you think I could I possibly sell that to?”

The words came spilling out of Steve’s mouth before he could even think about what it was he was saying. He knew he’d fallen for another one of Billy’s taunts but couldn’t help himself; he refused to be painted as the villain in Billy’s fabricated scenario when he hadn’t even done anything yet, and certainly hadn’t been planning anything near as diabolical as selling Billy out to the country as some kind of freak sideshow act. Steve matched Billy’s glare evenly, half-aware of the way Hopper had groaned and run a hand down the length of his face. ‘You’ve really done it now, kid,’ his expression seemed to say.

Appearing taken aback, Billy seemed somewhat startled by the harsh words Steve had doled out to him. With a hand across his stomach, a small hint of vulnerability crossed over his features before he quickly reigned it back and pulled his lips back into a harsh snarl, his half-smoked cigarette dangling forgotten in the corner of his mouth to reveal at last what oral thing had been bothering him so much on the car ride over.

His teeth, Steve observed dumbly as he stared openly at the obstructions lining his mouth. Of course it was his teeth.

Thin, long, and all of them pointed, they looked more suited to what might be found in the muzzle of a large hound rather than in the mouth of a man. They were canine in nature, unnaturally fitted in his mouth where before his teeth had been straight and white and pristine, forming a smile so blindingly handsome it wasn’t always easy to look away.

“You’re right! You didn’t believe in any of this at first, but all it took was a little bit of proof to convince you though, right, Harrington?” Billy cooed smoothly after a moment, an eager look flashing in his yellow-blue eyes at the prospect of their argument turning into a physical fight in Steve’s parents’ dining room. “How much proof do you think it’d take to convince one shitty reporter in this hick town, huh? A mouth full of weird teeth? A broken arm that heals itself in, what, the span of two days? I mean, isn’t that what did it for you, Harrington? Witnessing this small little biological miracle of mine? Maybe that would do the trick. Could really blow the lid off of this one; might even be able to contribute something to your daddy’s legacy besides being a little piece of shit.”

“Enough!” Hopper’s voice burst from his throat, booming loudly in the condensed space. The suddenness of his outburst was enough to draw both Steve and Billy’s attention off of one another, though they were each reluctant to turn away. “You!” Hopper shouted, pointing one finger authoritatively at Steve, who sat and stared at him with a baffled look on his face, “Quit goading him on, goddammit. And you,” he continued, turning his command to Billy, “sit down and shut the hell up! He might be mouthing off, but you need to show this kid some damn respect for taking responsibility last night. He could’ve died going after you, do you understand that? He could have died for you.”

The weight of Hopper’s words had the exact impact he wanted them to. Steve turned away in embarrassment as a funny look crossed over Billy’s face. Confusion wormed its way through his anger, furrowing his brow and pulling his lips into a frown. It was a look Hopper had seen many times before when he’d been in the army, when soldiers who’d been at arms with one another were forced to let it go under the threat of punishment from their higher ups. It was a dark, begrudging sort of obedience fresh cadets endured when their commanding officers demanded they stand down when they weren’t quite ready to. With his momentum shaken, Billy’s look of anger slowly slipped into something a little more unreadable as he sank back down into his seat, muttering a quiet “Yes, sir” aloud as his stomach emitted another horrifically loud growl that everyone in the room ignored.

“Christ, I’m dealing with children here,” Hopper mumbled, kneading his fingers against his temple. He took a moment to take a deep breath of collection and lit another cigarette, flicking his lighter fruitlessly a couple of times before a spark struck and he continued speaking.

“Nothing said here leaves this house,” he said sternly, making sure to make and hold eye contact with each of them to stress the importance of his words. “This,” he said, gesturing vaguely to Billy with his freshly lit cigarette, “doesn’t go ‘national’; it doesn’t even go local, you got that? Whoever your ‘not yet’ applied to doesn’t get to know, so you can put the idea that you’re going to tell anyone else about any of this right out the window, understand?”

He looked sharply to Steve then, insisting in so many words that the children be left out of whatever they decided to do moving forward. Steve bit the inside of his cheek and looked away stubbornly, nodding once as he crossed his arms across his chest. He was aware of how he must’ve looked- like a spoiled, pouting child- but he couldn’t help it. Of course he understood; it didn’t take a genius to understand why this needed to be kept secret, but he still owed Dustin an explanation, and right now he figured he liked Dustin a hell of a lot more than he liked Hopper.

Hopper watched him with a scrutinizing eye, and, as though he could read Steve’s thoughts, said, “Let me hear you say it.”

“What?”

“Say you understand,” Hopper said quietly, ignoring for a moment the fact that Billy was sharing the space with them. He enunciated each word with gentle forcefulness, not issuing him orders now so much as silently begging for compliance. “The three of us can handle it. We don’t need for anyone else to get involved.”

The air in the room felt very still in that moment. The cigarette smoke that had been pooling above them like a pale cloud continued its slow and stagnant swirl, apathetic to the nature of their conversation. Staring at him, Steve once again felt guilty. After everything that the chief had done for him, he still couldn’t commit to the promise Hopper wanted him to make. He understood where his concerns were coming from, but Dustin was already involved, in a way. He sighed.

“Well, the thing is,” Steve began to say, nervously tapping his fingers against the table, “Dustin kind of already knows?” Hopper’s expression turned dark, as Steve had expected it to, but better he tell him now than for him to find out later. “I mean, I asked the kid to use his house! You were there; you dropped me off. I didn’t tell him for what, or WHO,” he said, shooting Billy a pointed look, “but he knows something’s up. It’s kind of obvious I was trying to use his cellar as a holding cell, and I promised I’d tell him about it once things settled down.”

Hopper exhaled a long and forlorn sigh, rubbing his face into his hands tiredly. “Could this get anymore convoluted?” he mumbled to himself before he looked up and locked his gaze onto Steve. “Fine. You promised to tell him about it, so you will.”

Confused, Steve shifted his attention from Hopper to Billy. “I will?”

“Yep.” Hopper blew out a long string of smoke. As he did so, the tension he’d held in the muscles of his face seemed to relax. “We’re going to double-down on your dog story. You’ll tell him you were dogsitting for one of your mom’s friends. Dog got loose, and you had to lure it back. Threw some meat down there to attract and trap it. I trust you to make up some details to fill in the gaps if he asks anything specific. You got that?”

Steve stared at him, knowing full well there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that Dustin would ever believe that. And besides, Steve had already told him it was a red alert, but if this was what it took to get Hopper off his back, then, maybe it was fine.

“I understand,” he said, knowing he would, eventually, have to ask forgiveness for his future misdeeds.

“Good.”

Steve lit another cigarette and breathed it in deeply, hating how openly relieved Hopper sounded. He stole a glance towards where Billy was sitting with his own cigarette still hanging limply from his lips and felt that guilt compounded. He couldn’t say for certain what Billy must have thought of him at that point, but there was no way he’d have been able to keep helping him on his own, because Hopper was right: he had almost died last night. But with the worst of it over (he hoped), they could focus less on that and put their heads together to figure out what to do going forward. 

Or, they could have, if Hopper’s hip radio hadn’t begun to crackle in that exact instance, releasing a string of police-coded jargon through the speaker. They all collectively jumped a little at the startling noise as the dispatcher (Florence’s voice, Steve recognized) requested Hopper’s aid in assisting his deputies with something he couldn’t decipher. 

“Great,” Hopper mumbled to himself, stubbing out the cigarette he’d hardly been able to enjoy. If possible, he looked even more tired than when he’d walked in. “Yeah, I copy,” he said into the radio as he unlatched it from his belt. “I’ll be there soon; give me a few minutes to wrap it up here and I’ll meet them at the scene.”

He clipped the small receiver back onto his belt before coming to a stand, groaning in a way that was similar to Steve’s dad when he’d been sitting down for too long.

“You’re leaving?” Steve asked as he watched Hopper collect his hat and place it haphazardly on his head. 

“Duty calls,” Hopper grunted noncommittally. He pulled on the coat he’d left on the back of his chair and zipped it up to the collar. “I had a few of my boys start investigating a lead for me. A small one, but if they’re calling me out there, it means they’ve found something, and hopefully it’ll help us settle all this a little more quickly.”

“But we haven’t made a plan for what to do the next time this happens,” Steve said concernedly. He felt exhausted beyond his years, but none of their major issues had been solved or even discussed yet. “We haven’t talked about what we’re supposed to do at all.”

“Next time?”

Steve turned from Hopper to Billy, who’d spoken softly and, despite having looked enraged only moments before, now appeared confused. 

“Well, yeah,” Steve said, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette into the ashtray, “this is like, a monthly thing for you now, right? Kind of like a girl when she gets her-”

“Don’t fucking say it,” Billy growled. Steve shrugged, unbothered.

“...but only for a day instead of like, for a week,” he finished, feeling a little bit of self-satisfaction at the way Billy cringed and groaned. 

“God fucking dammit Harrington.”

“You were the one who showed me the movie though,” Steve said, shifting the subject easily to skirt around Billy’s annoyance. Hopper lingered by the dining room’s opening, hearing out the tail-end of Steve’s concerns. “It didn’t end for him after one month; he was like, doomed to keep turning every full moon forever or something, right? Isn’t that how werewolves work, and doesn’t that, y’know, kind of include you now?”

A dawning look of horror spread across Billy’s pale face as he made the connection. He blinked once, let the long trail off ash fall off his cigarette onto the table, and looked away, dazed, as though the thought of having to relive last night’s nightmare hadn’t occurred to him before. 

“What do you mean, next time?” Hopper asked, parroting Billy’s earlier confusion. “You saying he’s liable to... turn again?”

Steve nodded somberly. “We can’t use Dustin’s house again; he escaped way too easily, but I guess we have a month to prepare, so it’s not critical right now or anything,” he explained, to which Hopper acknowledged him with a low hum. “But we still definitely need a plan for next time.”

“Leave it to me, kid; I might have something I can make work,” Hopper muttered. His eyes were unfocused as he turned and began to leave, already mentally trying to work out the specifics of whatever it was he had in mind. “Remember,” he called back once he’d reached the front door, his haggard voice echoing down the short hall, “nothing said here leaves this house.”

He didn’t wait for affirmation before departing. From the dining room they heard the soft click of the front door as it opened and shut, leaving Billy and Steve alone in the dining room. Turning in his seat to look out the front-facing windows, Steve watched Hopper get into his truck and start the engine, noting the way he let his head hang briefly for a moment before he perked up to back out of the driveway. And then he was gone. 

A wave of exhaustion overcame as he sat there, eyeing the empty space where Hopper’s truck had been. He was hungry, tired, and wanted nothing more than to just be able to sleep forever, but as long as he was needed, that wasn’t likely to happen. His role as caretaker was ever-expanding, and now, it seemed to include Billy as well. 

Hopper had managed to hold the peace between them (though barely) while he’d been there, and Steve couldn’t presume to know how things were going to go now that it was just him and Billy again. As he turned back in his seat and finished off the rest of his cigarette, he realized that whatever aggression Billy had been harboring towards him was gone. 

“Next time,” Steve heard him mumble to himself. The dejected manner in which he spoke was so unlike himself that he was reminded of the way he’d been behaving the day before, as though he could no longer find his own self-worth. Billy took the cigarette that had been hanging off his lip and held it in his hand, staring at the dimly glowing cherry before looking up to catch Steve’s eye to say, “I don’t think I can go through that again.”

He said it with such vulnerable honesty that Steve found he didn’t know how to respond. His own self-worth took a hit as guilt and pity began to rise within him as he stared back at Billy, hating that he didn’t know what to say. It felt wrong to try and supply him with empty assurances when he had heard firsthand and seen the aftermath of how painfully debilitating the transformation had been. There was nothing he could say that could possibly begin to alleviate the horror that came with knowing it was going to come and afflict him again and again, month after month, for the rest of his life.

What sort of consolation could he possibly offer him?

“C’mon,” Steve eventually said, depositing the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray as he scooted his chair back to stand up. Billy watched him with an exhausted, yet vaguely sorrowful expression that Steve decidedly didn’t like. “I’ll show you the bathroom.”

Well, at least he could offer him a shower.

-----

Steve could hear the shower running by the time he came back up the hall with a fresh towel in hand, but Billy wasn’t yet locked inside the bathroom. He was leaning up against the wall beside the bathroom door, arms folded across his chest and eyes closed, dozing off while he waited for the water to warm up. As Steve approached, he noticed that, while Billy had taken off the bloody ruination of his old shirt, he still had Mrs. Henderson’s ugly bathrobe loosely tied around his waist. 

Billy cocked one eye open when he heard him come close, and mutely traded the shirt for the towel when Steve offered it to him. Neither of them spoke as the exchange was made; a silence broken only by the sound of spraying water hitting the shower tile forming between them until Steve found it too unbearable to withstand.

“So,” he started to say, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, “about before… I, uh, really shouldn’t have, y’know, said what I did about you being a monster.”

From his position against the wall, Billy frowned. 

“I was just caught up in the moment,” Steve continued apologetically. “And I know that doesn’t like, excuse my actions or whatever, but it was still a shitty thing to say.”

As he opened both of his eyes, Billy found that Steve was looking everywhere but directly at him, and in fact had taken to looking at his own reflection in a decorative vase while he’d been talking. It was awkward; he was starting to feel uncomfortable about the sincerity Steve was trying to convey. 

“I don’t give a shit, it’s not like it bothered me,” Billy lied, speaking tersely. His stomach growled, and he placed a hand over it idly. “Trust me, I’ve been called worse things than that.” 

Steve’s shoulders slumped a bit as he worried the back of his hair into a knot. “Still,” he said awkwardly, finally turning away from the dark reflection of the vase, now absentmindedly trying to pull his fingers free, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Clicking his tongue and rolling his eyes towards the ceiling, Billy huffed out a deep sigh and said, “Look, Harrington, if you’re willing to make me some pancakes and fry up some bologna we can call it even. Just, stop doing… whatever this is and let me shower.”

Steve paused to think about it. “Sure, okay, I can do that. I think we’ve got some pancake mix somewhere.” 

With that awkward bit of conversation out of the way, Billy eased up off of the wall he was perched upon and slid into the bathroom before Steve could make any sort of addendum and closed the door. He listened to the sounds of Steve’s retreating footsteps down the hall over the pouring water as he undid the tie around his hips and left the beanie on the sink counter, decidedly not looking in the mirror as he stepped into the strong, warm stream.

-----

Billy stayed in the shower for a long, long time.

Steve hadn’t really been expecting it to be a quick one, but still, as he stood over the stove making a tall stack of pancakes that would’ve been enough to satisfy the stomach of any starving man, he wondered just how long he needed. The water had to have been going cold by now.

The smell of the bologna frying in the pan had, at first, encouraged his appetite, but was now starting to turn his stomach. The smell of bologna alone had never been appealing to him, and to have to smell it as it cooked was nauseating.  He cut off the stove, transferred the fried meat to a serving plate, and then sat at the kitchen table to wait. 

He nibbled a little at a pancake, but couldn’t stomach the smell of the bologna well enough to finish it off. He waited at the table patiently, like a mother might when she was waiting for her kids to come down and eat and strained his ears to listen for when the water shut off upstairs. 

It didn’t, though. He could hear it trickling down through the pipes in the walls, quietly draining away whatever it was Billy was trying to cleanse himself of. 

Steve sighed miserably and folded his arms over the table, sliding the chair back far enough so he could rest his head over them like he used to in English. He closed his eyes (‘Just resting my eyes’, as his dad was prone to saying before he fell asleep on the couch), and soon found himself asleep.

-----

In a dream, it was snowing and he was driving, speeding along a narrow, unfamiliar road. 

‘Faster’, he was thinking to himself as he depressed the accelerator harder. ‘I have to go faster.’

A deep, dark blackness enveloped him from all sides outside of the car. He couldn’t see through it or if anything was in it, even though he knew, intrinsically, that he had his high beams on and should have at least been able to see where he was going. The road before him manifested as a slick black line, wavering in and out of focus between his rapidly swishing windshield wipers and the oncoming flurry.

He was in a hurry, though he didn’t know why. Billy was fine. Sitting in the passenger seat beside him, he looked almost bored with Steve’s pedestrian effort to save him.

“I’m doing my best,” Steve said, unsure of why he was now crying. “I’m going as fast as I can- please, please just understand that.”

“You haven’t done enough,” Billy responded in a voice that both was and wasn’t his own. It hurt Steve’s ears to listen to as he whimpered involuntarily. “I’m already lost.”

Alarmed, Steve took his eyes off the road to look at Billy and found him looking back. His eyes were a dark, glowing red, and he sat with his hand perched on the door handle. In the window behind him, red eyes that mirrored his own were slowly emerging from the darkness, coming so close to the car that the glass was beginning to fog up from its panting breath. How it was able to keep pace with the car when Steve had the accelerator pressed against the floor was unknown and frightening to him.

“Don’t,” Steve begged as Billy’s fingers curled around the handle, getting ready to pull it open like an emergency exit, “I can still help you.”

“I’ve been lied to before,” Billy said solemnly, his two-toned voice warbling as he pulled on the handle and opened the door to give himself over to the creature that was waiting hungrily by the window.

-----

“The fuck is this?”

Steve opened his eyes abruptly and nearly fell out of his seat as he transitioned into a wakeful state. Startled, he sat up and rubbed at his eyes uncomprehendingly.

“They’re just pancakes, Hargrove, don’t be rude,” he said sleepily without fully realizing what it was Billy was talking about. “Misshapen, maybe, but still just pancakes.”

Freshly showered, Billy stood before him wearing the beanie taken from Dustin’s house and some of Steve’s own clothing. An old ‘Hawkins High Phys. Ed.’ shirt clung tightly to his torso, baring a little bit of midriff above the hem of some old sweats. In his hand he held Steve’s two-way radio Dustin had gifted him to include him as part of their party, and through that radio he could hear Max’s voice trying to make contact.

“Steve, come in, Steve! Are you there?”

“Why do you have a two-way radio to my little sister sitting by your bed?” Billy asked icily, unabashed anger seeping out of his very being. 

“What the hell were you doing in my bedroom?” Steve countered, feeling his stomach drop when he came to understand the implications Billy was making. He stood up and made to swipe the radio from Billy’s hand. “It’s seriously not what you think.”

“Remind me, where have I heard that one before?” Billy pulled the radio easily out of Steve’s reach, glowering at him as they faced off. “This looks pretty fucking bad for you, Harrington; she’s not even fifteen yet, you sick fuck.”

“It’s not just for your sister,” Steve said heatedly, then, realizing how that sounded, amended by saying, “Look, I know you know I take care of her friends- this, it’s just-  it’s just a radio to communicate with them, alright? They’re weird nerds who don’t like to use phones like normal people. It’s not for anything as dirty as you’re imagining, so would you quit looking for reasons to hate me when I haven’t even done anything?”

Sighing, Steve ran a hand through his hair and reached out for the radio, silently asking for it to be handed over. Billy continued to hold it, staring at him with an indecipherable look on his face. They stood at odds with one another before Dustin’s voice came through the radio speaker.

“Steve! It’s Dustin, we have a situation- please advise. Come in, Steve! Over!” 

Billy looked at the radio in his hand and then at Steve with a scowl. He looked bored as he finally relinquished it without further fuss, sitting down at the table opposite of Steve and pulling the plates of food towards him. He gave him a mean look as he began sandwiching the fried slices of bologna between a couple pancakes before biting into them. 

Relieved and annoyed, Steve turned away to speak into the radio. “I’m here, I’m here, sorry, what’s up?”

“Oh my God, it’s about time!” Dustin huffed. “You said you’d radio me later and you never did! Over.”

“Some stuff came up,” Steve mumbled, sitting down at the table and rubbing at his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Will,” Dustin explained. Steve frowned. “He says he saw something last night that might have to do with the Mind Flayer-”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Hold on a second,” Steve interrupted quickly, casting a furtive glance towards Billy who was now watching him suspiciously. “I’m uh, I’m not alone over here.”

There was silence on the radio after Steve let up on the talk button. Billy squinted at him and mouthed ‘it’s not what you think’ sardonically at him. Steve sighed and shrugged; there wasn’t an easy way to explain this.

“I swear Steve, if you’ve been ignoring us because you’re with a GIRL-”

“No!” Steve exclaimed in frustration. Why did it seem like everyone was against him today? “I’m not- I’m not with a girl; haven’t even been with a girl since-”

“Oh, Steve,” Billy chirped in an ugly, high falsetto, speaking loudly enough for the radio to catch and relay his voice clearly. “Quit playing with that toy and come back to play with me.”

Horrified at Billy’s poor impression of a girl, Steve turned to face him with a look of shock.

“What the hell is your damage Hargrove? You know they probably heard that,” he hissed as he let took his finger off the talk button. “Why do you constantly have to prove yourself as being the biggest thorn in my side? Can’t you hop off my dick for five fucking minutes?”

Billy snickered and laughed, clearly satisfied with himself. He shot him a wink when Steve turned up his middle finger at him and bit down on another one of his weird bologna/pancake amalgamations. 

“Was that Billy?”

Max’s voice. Both Steve and Billy froze as she called them out, sharing a mutual look of horror at having been recognized. 

“Steve? Why are you with Billy?”

“Uh.” Wide-eyed, he looked to Billy for help in answering, but was met with nothing but a look of shock. They both floundered for a moment, during which Billy took the chance to shove more food in his mouth as though to say he was currently preoccupied and couldn’t be assed to help explain. “It… wasn’t?” Steve finally answered lamely.

A strong silence permeated over the radio before it crackled and relayed Max’s voice as she said, “Steve, he’s made fun of me plenty of times that I’d know his ‘I’m a dumb girl’ voice from anywhere.”

Steve groaned and threw Billy a dirty look, to which he received a simple shrug in response. It wasn’t supposed to have been a secret, exactly, but his children knew the history between them just as well as he did and he’d eventually have to explain to them just how they’d come to be together sooner or later. “Alright, yeah, I’m with your brother. He’s at my place.”

“Step-brother,” Billy corrected gruffly, wiping away some crumbs from his mouth.

“Can he hear me right now?” Max asked.

“Uh,” Steve said. “Yeah, he can hear you,” he replied after Billy gave him the go-ahead.

“Don’t come home.”

At first, Steve thought she’d said it out of anger, or spite, or something. It was vague enough that it could have been construed that way (especially with how flatly she’d spoken), but the look on Billy’s face made it clear that it was less a threat and more a warning, of sorts. He stopped chewing his food, eyebrows coming together as he frowned deeply. That vaguely sorrowful look that had crept up around his eyes from before surfaced in his features again as he stared ahead of himself.

“Message received?” Steve asked quietly, unsure of how to process his change in demeanor, to which Billy gave a brief, curt nod. He shoved the plates of food away and sat back with a forlorn expression on his face. “Message received,” he repeated into the radio. “Could you uh, put Dustin back on? Who all’s over there with you guys?”

There was a moment of silence in which Steve pictured the radio changing hands. While he waited for a response, he pulled the dish with the pancakes on it closer towards himself and made a second attempt at eating one. 

“The whole party’s here, Steve. We have a situation that requires your assistance, over.”

“Yeah, I remember,” he said through a mouthful of soft food. “Not to be like, dismissive about it, but is there any chance it can wait? I’m kind of… ‘booked’, for the rest of the day; we can have, like, a group meeting and discuss things in person tomorrow, if it’s not urgent.”

He was careful not to mention how he planned on sharing Billy’s situation with them if they agreed, given how angry he’d been about the prospect earlier. It didn’t look as though Billy was paying him much attention at that point, however, as he stood up somberly and walked out of the dining room without a word, no longer interested in eavesdropping on his conversation. Steve wanted to follow after him to make sure he didn’t go anywhere he wasn’t supposed to, but stayed still and finished off the pancake he’d been eating.

“He says it’s not dire; just wanted us to be aware that something might be fucky. You wanna meet up with us tomorrow afternoon at Mike’s house? Over.”

“Sure, that’s fine,” Steve replied. He waited a moment to see if Billy was going to return, and when he was certain he wasn’t going to, he dropped his voice to a whisper and said, “I need you to do me a small favour before then, Henderson.”

“Oh my God, Steve, seriously? Another one? Over.”

Ignoring the indignation with which Dustin spoke, Steve continued. “I need you to research werewolves for me, alright? Like, specifically if it can be cured. Can you do that for me?”

“Uh, I mean, sure? Why though? Does this have something to do with our campaign? Over.” The fact that Dustin was so suspicious caused a little grin to spread out across Steve’s face. In spite of everything, leave it to Dustin to find a way to route it all back to the game he’d gotten him involved with.

“I’ll let you know tomorrow,” Steve said, unable to keep a teasing lilt from affecting the tone of his words. “And uh, just so you know, I’ll probably be bringing Max’s brother along, so don’t freak out if he shows up. Over and out, nerd.”

“Oh, now you decide to start using-”

Steve switched the radio off abruptly before Dustin could finish his sentence and set it face down on the surface of the table. He sat still for a moment, feeling his earlier exhaustion swirling within him like a snowglobe before he stood up and wandered out into the living room. He found Billy lying splayed out on the couch, eyes closed and resting easily atop the cushions.

“Just make yourself at home, why don’t you,” Steve said dryly, to which Billy gave a noncommittal grunt. “Do you, uh, need a place to stay tonight?” he asked awkwardly when he understood that Billy wasn’t going to move from his position.

Opening his eyes, Billy stared straight up at the ceiling with a stern look on his face. 

“I can stay with Tommy H. if it’s a problem,” he said after a minute. 

“I don’t really care what you do,” Steve replied, placing a hand on his hip. “But he’d ask questions, you know. You don’t really… look like how you should.” Billy heaved out a long and depressive sigh, shutting his eyes again. “It’s fine, though-  you can stay in the spare bedroom upstairs,” Steve offered.

“Couch is fine,” Billy mumbled. 

“You’d be missing out, it’s got a Queen-size mattress up there.” 

“Couch is fine,” Billy repeated tiredly.

Steve shrugged. “Suit yourself, I guess.” He studied Billy laid out flat across the couch and felt that familiar need to show him pity. He couldn’t help but wonder what Max’s warning applied to; wondered if Billy would tell him about it if he asked.

“You were right about what you said before.” Billy’s voice was soft with exhaustion, but even so, it managed to break into his thoughts. Steve gave him a look of incomprehension. “About my hair, you were right; it’s coming back.”

“Oh,” Steve said, refraining from tapping into his inherent desire to chirp ‘I told you so’ back at him. “That’s great, man. I knew it would.”

“Still paler than the underside of a witch’s tit though,” Billy muttered, holding up a hand to examine his new complexion morosely.

And, yeah, he was right: even though it seemed his hair was going to be restored to its former glory (given enough time), it didn’t look like the same could be said for his skin. He was still woefully pale, looking less like the golden god he’d been before and more like, as Billy had said, the pale underside of a witch’s tit. Steve eyed him contemplatively, trying to come up with a solution that didn’t involve him laying naked out in the snow to try and catch some sun.

“Do you remember Tammy Thomspon?” Steve asked eventually, to which Billy had to pause in order to connect the name with the person being referenced. Once he’d nodded, Steve continued. “She always had a tan year round; used to talk about how she’d go to like, tanning beds and stuff.”

“I am not going to a tanning salon, if that’s what you’re suggesting here Harrington,” Billy said decisively. 

“No no! She used to do tanning beds, but then she kept talking about how they were unhealthy and caused skin cancer and blah blah blah. Before the semester ended though, she said she started using some new thing; she was telling me about it in History before the final,” Steve elaborated, stepping further into the room to take a seat on the armrest of the couch. He snapped his fingers as he tried to remember what it was. “It was like, some spray on stuff? A spray-on tan, I think. You could try that? Wouldn't even have to go anywhere to get it done, I think it’s sold retail.”

Billy appeared lost in thought as he contemplated the option. He flexed his pale fingers and heaved another heavy sigh. “Anything would probably be better than this.”

‘You don’t- I mean, it’s not… you don’t look that bad,” Steve lied. Billy put his hand down and glared at him from the far end of the sofa. “Alright alright, so you look like the white end of a fingernail. We get some spray tan, rinse you in it, and presto, you’re back to being average, dark and handsome. I mean, if Tammy Thompson can do it, it shouldn’t be that hard, right?”

Billy snorted. “Handsome, huh? Probably not; she was as dumb as the rest of the cows here.”

“She wasn’t the brightest light in the shed,” Steve agreed, feeling the slightest bit embarrassed at having called Billy handsome. “But, cool; glad we got something sorted out today.

“I’ll be in my room if you need me for anything, and I know you already know where that is,” he said as he came to a rise, casting a snide look at Billy before heading back towards the staircase.

Predictably, Billy clicked his tongue in annoyance. “You realize you only gave me a towel earlier, right? I wasn’t about to put that thing on again. I wasn’t snooping; just trying to find a fucking change of clothes when I heard Maxine yelling for you on your shitty bedside table radio,” he said in that easy, drawling nature of his. “What was I supposed to think?”

“Why don’t you try thinking a little less and just ask instead of jumping to conclusions?” Steve huffed. He hadn’t wanted this to turn into another argument, but it seemed as though the conversation was quickly heading that way. “Look, I don’t- I’m too tired to argue with you. I’m gonna catch a nap and then we can like… I don’t know. Get some bottles of spray tan and hose you down in the backyard or something.”

Billy grunted in affirmation, and Steve was content to leave it at that. He shot Billy one last look before he stepped out of the living room, and, leaving the food out on the table where he’d left it, went straight up to his room. Like the condition he’d left Dustin’s cellar in, he’d clean up the dining room later.

As he entered his room, Steve was afraid, for a moment, that he’d find evidence of Billy having gone snooping through all of his belongings. It would’ve been just like him to try and find something else he could use to hold against him while Steve was unaware, but as he looked around the area carefully, it seemed as though his room appeared untouched. His closet was left open from where Billy had gone in to take the clothes he was currently wearing, but, true to his word, it didn’t look like he’d rifled any deeper into it then he’d needed to.

Relieved, Steve stepped forward until he was toe-to-hem with his bed and let himself fall face forward directly onto the mattress, exhaling a deep sigh once he collided with it. He laid there unmoving, breathing in the hot, trapped air between his face and his comforter before he rolled over and laid himself out spread-eagle to look up at the ceiling.  

“Why does this have to be so much harder than it is?” he groaned, cupping his hands together to cover his face. The familiar question he’d wrestled with of ‘why me?’ that he’d been struggling to answer since any of this started began cycling through his mind. Of course, now that he had time to rest, his brain wouldn’t let him. 

He just wanted to help, and already he’d almost lost the trust of the only two people he could rely on. Neither of them seemed to understand that it was too great a burden for one person to have to shoulder alone. It needed to be a team effort, but no one seemed willing to branch out and make it one. Once again, it was left to him to take the initiative.

“Why is it so hard for me to help anyone in this damn town?” he moaned.

[theharlequinwriter]

He’s Just like you.

Summary :  you and sam have a bad fight causing you to leave not knowing your pregnant and its a couple years later

Word count : 2,720

triggers: swearing.

“Dean wheres sam”

I stood on my tip toes looking over deans shoulder looking for my tall boyfriend sam.

“He took of with that demon bitch”

I gritted my teeth.

“Ruby”             I hated her more than anything , I knew that she was lying to us about helping dean outta going to hell but of course we couldn’t took a damn angel to save him. I hated how much sam trusted her , I feel like he would chose her over me , so I avoided the question during fights. I sat back on the couch grabbing my food from the brown bag dean had.

“You okay y/n?”

“Im fine why?”

“You seem upset lately maybe a little bitchy”

I pushed deans arm , taking a bite of my burger. We sat watching movies until at least midnight when sam finally came back in the door. Dean and I both turned now looking at sam who stood there as if he had just gotten off work.

“Where were you sam?”

“With ruby babe”

He walked by grabbing his salad pecking me on the cheek. I heard more footsteps and in walks in the demon herself ruby.

“Why the hell are you here demon bitch”

“Watch you’re tone with me hunter skank”

I walked around the couch coming face to face with ruby.

“Lets go bitch”

I pushed her back , sam came grabbing my hand leading me to the kitchen.

“What the hell y/n”

“Really sam”

“What?”

“You brought her here knowing how I feel about her”

“Shes helping me”

“I can help you sam”

“Not like she can”

“Are you sleeping with the bitch or something”

“What no”

“Then what the hell sam , why am I getting the 3rd degree here”

“Shes helping me y/n more than you or dean ever could”

“Wow sam I stayed with you even after dean went to hell ,I stayed when I found out you’re a demon blood junkie , I stayed even when she came”                                                       “No one asked you too y/n”

His hands now clenching into fist.

“I didnt ask you to stay , you did that all on your own”

“What was I gonna do sam , let you go y2k on everyone and everything?”

“I dont know y/n but it would of been easier if you just left”

“Really why so you could fuck her without feeling guilty after , oh im sorry I mean "helping” you"  

“Actually you know what y/n yes okay yes im fucking ruby ,ya happy now , wanna know why? Cause she doesnt bitch all the time , she doesnt need me to protect her , id rather her have my back at least I can depend on her”

“SAM!”

dean yelled stepping between us.

I felt my heart shatter In pieces, I felt tears forming , I didnt want him to see me cry.

I walked away still hearing him yell at dean about how ruby is better for him than me , how maybe I should just go. I went to our room grabbing everything I could , smashing pictures as I walked around the room.

“Okay  sam , hope your happy”

I walked away grabbing my bag and a little money. I gave dean a hug then I walked out the door not looking back.

I finally got to a cheap hotel where I got a single bed for the weekend. I walked inside falling onto the bed tears falling down my face. How could he say that. I took a shower , getting out my phone had a text from dean.

-hey y/n think it finally hit sam your not coming back , he might try call ya Ill let you know if he does anything stupid and dont worry about ruby ill gank her soon-

I didn’t reply i want sam to worry to realize im not going back.

Its been two months since I left, i decided I need to get a apartment in a little town where supernatural things didn’t occur.  I went into the little market buying some food and shampoo oh and pregnancy test.

I got home taking the test , it came back positive only one guy could be the father.

Sam.

I havent slept with anyone else or even looked at another guy I still loved sam.                    

*TWO YEARS LATER*

“Mommy , mommy look”

I got down on knees taking the drawing out of ethans hand.

My son ethan looks just like his father , he has his eyes and hair , his laugh , smile. He makes me miss sam everyday.

“Thats amazing baby , what is it”

Looking at the drawings it was a very tall person with a cape and what look like dogs.

“Its daddy , you said hes saving people from devil dogs , silly mommy”

I put it on the frige placing him in his seat. I gave him his lunch , he always wanted to know about sam ever since he had a play date with a kid who had both his parents. I told him sam was off saving the world from monsters like ghost and devil dogs. He always asked if his daddy was coming home or will he ever see him.

He was so smart for a child his age. After lunch I asked if he wanted to go to the park to play and feed the ducks.

We got in the car buckling ethan into his seat. When got to the park , ethan took off for the swings. I sat on a bench close enough to see but not so close I can’t see my surroundings. Im still a hunter  after all. Ethan was playing tag with some of his friends when another mom came and sat next to me.

“Hey y/n , how are you”

“Im fine susan ,how are you”

“Honestly a little shook up , some fbi agents came to the house asking about murders”

“Creepy”

“Oh my thats them”

She pointed her finger over at two men in suits , walking twords us. I brushed my hair into my face , I turned to her but she was already gone. As they got closer I could hear them banter back and forth.

“Excuse me miss may we ask you some questions”

I sat up looking up at the man who spoke.

“Hi sam”

His jaw dropped as I spoke to him , I flashed a smile , I jumped up hugging dean before reaching out offering sam a hug. He pulled me in hugging me tightly his hands rested on my lower back. I pulled away still having the smell of him fill my nose

“So what’s going on , I havent heard about any murders”

Dean spoke when sam just stood  there with a big smile across his face.

“Happend in the 80’s thinking its a wendigo who went quite”

“You guys still gotta gank it nice or not a monsters a monster right”

“Right”

Dean winked at me before sam cut in.

“So uhh whats new”

“A little this , a litte that”

I didnt tell him about ethan, I didnt need a absent father in his life Sam kept glancing at the ground then back at me.

“We ganked ruby”

“Oh im sorry ”

“Im not ,she was tricking me”

“Oh well cant trust anyone I guess”

“Ive missed you y/n”

“I miss you too sam”

His smile grew bigger.

“Maybe we can get a drink tonight and talk”

“I can’t im sorry”

“Oh you got a boyfriend or something?”

“No ”

Dean now trying to help his brother spoke now giving me his best charm.

“Why dont the three of us go get a drink and talk about getting the band back together”

“Id love to you guys but I cant”

Sam was about to protest when ethan came running from the playground.

“Mommy , mommy I caught a bug”

I picked him up sitting him on my hip.

“Let me see”

He opend his hand showing a dead cricket"

“Its dead hun”

“I know silly mommy , it was scaring lisa so I saved her , like how daddy saved you from monsters”

I kissed his cheek putting him back down , crouching down I grabbed his hand.

“Go say bye we gotta go home”

He smiled running off to say bye, I stood up sam and dean both wide eyed and speechless.  I waved my hand in front of sams face making him snap out of his trance.

“You have a a a a son?”

“Yea his names ethan”

Sam stayed speachless watching ethan run back to us.

Ethan stood by my side , gripping my pant leg tightly. Sam crouched down pulling out his fake fbi badge.

“Hi im sam”

Ethan grabbed his badge.

“Im ethan”

“Tell him your full name ethan”

ethan tucked his head into my leg before looking back at sam smiling.

“My name is Ethan Samuel Winchester”

Sams head shot up looking at me, he stood up trying to figure out what to say.                                        

“Ethan hunny dont forget your toy”

He ran back to the swings where his toy dragon sat in the sand. Sam finally spoke.

“Is he mine?”

“Yes sam , hes your son”

“When did you find out"                    

"Maybe a month and a half after I left”

“Why didnt you call?”

“Didnt think you would care”

I could see tears filling up his eyes. Ethan walked over , picking him up I gave sam and dean quick hugs before walking to my car , shaky and on the verge of tears.

*sams pov*

Dean and I just killed off the 90 year old wendigo. Dean decided we had a crazy day so the bar was the perfect place to go. We sat down at a table near the back , dean ordered 6 shots of whiskey , 3 for each , and two beers one for each. As we drank my mind kept snapping back to y/n and our son.

“Sammy?”

I snapped out of my day dream to dean cheersing me with his shot.

“So you’re a daddy sam”

“Im not a dad im just the biological father , I wasnt there for anything”

Dean downed his other two shots , so did I. He raised he hand asking for 3

More rounds. We were in the middle of our 3 or was it 5th round with jack when I finally yelled.

“Why the fuck didnt she call me dean? Ya know just be like oh hey sam im pregnant with your child just fyi or a text something”

“You told her to go sam , told her you wanted ruby , that you were cheating on her with ruby , that you wished she left , you made her feel worthless , unloved , unwanted , you were so jacked up on demon blood you didnt care when she walked out the door”

I buried my face in my hands , dean was right , it was my fault she never came back or called , I dont blame her for hiding him from me.

Dean cleared his throat.

“She clearly tells the kid about you”

I looked up at him , feeling tears build behind my eyelids.

“What?”

“She tells the kid about you I mean you didnt hear him say he saved the girl from the bug like his daddy saved her”

My heart beat hard agianst my chest. I had to see her ,tell her everything. I stood up but dean pushed me back into my seat.

“2 more rounds”

After we drank I felt the room spinning , my thoughts jumbled between y/n and ethan , and more alcohol. I walked outside feeling the cold air hit my face.

“Cas!”

I yelled when I heard the sound of wings I turned to see 3 cas’s , he spoke but I couldn’t hear him.

“T-t-t take me to y/n”

Next thing I knew I was infront of a little white house.

*y/n pov*

*BANG BANG*

I ran to the door , it was 2 am who the hell is banging at my door this late. I opened the door to find a very drunk , very sad sam.

“Sam?”

He smiled pulling me to his chest.

“Y/n!!”

I took him inside sitting him on the couch handing him a water bottle.

“Sam what are you doing here?”

“This right here ”

He patted his hands on the couch.

“Is where im meant to be”

“Sam please dont”

“Please just listen”

I sat next to him making sure we didnt touch.

“Y/n im so sorry for how I acted , for what I s s s said , ruby was a lying bitch just l l like you said. She tricked me into horrible things I never had sex with her , I never even looked at her like that , I was so junked up on demon blood that I didnt see that you were what I needed , w w what I need baby.”

I saw tears falling from his eyes now when he spoke.

“Baby you are my world , and we have a son ,  , I dont blame you for keeping him from me, but I I can’t , wont miss anymore of his life or yours , I need you back y/n , im so sorry so so so sorry”

He was now full on crying , I could tell dean had gotten him drunk so he could say how he felt. He looked back at me , his eyes blood shot and his     breath smelling of whiskey.

“He has your eyes sam”

“Really?”

“Yeah , he is just like you more and more everyday”

I felt tears falling down my face.

“Sam you can come back but you have to be here , I wont let you hurt ethan”

“I wont ever hurt eaither of you”

His hands grabbed mine pulling me to him so now I was sitting on his lap facing him. He put one of his hands on my lower back while the other rested on my cheek. He closed the gap between us his lips gently touching mine. I kissed back running my hands through his hair making the kiss deeper.

“Ive missed you so much sam”

I helped him upstairs ,letting him sleep in my bed. As I layed next to him , he wrapped his hands around my waist pulling me into his spooning me.

“Does ethan know about me?”

“Yeah he knows you and dean hunting   monsters like ghost and demons but he thinks your a superhero”

I heard his laugh as we fell asleep. I woke up before sam untangling myself from him. I walked downstairs where ethan sat watching his morning cartoons. I called him over to the kitchen sitting him in his chair I went to the frige grabbing things for pancakes.

“Mommy what’s wrong?”

Ethan looked at me smiling

“Nothing baby”

I walked away from my mixing bowl picking ethan up sitting him on my hip. Grabbing my wallet I took the picture of me sam and dean out handing it to him.

“That right there is your uncle dean , hes really brave and the tall guy thats your daddy sam he’s my hero”

Ethan smiled holding the picture, I walked into the kitchen sitting him down on the floor. I heard steps coming from upstairs.

“Ethan hun I have a surprise for you”

His head snapped up looking at me with wonder.

“What is it mommy?”

“I want you to look at that picture real close”

As he squinted his eyes , sam came down standing at the walk way into the kitchen.

“Now ethan look up”

Ethan looked up from the picture , as his eyes met sam , the biggest smile formed across his face.

“DADDY!!!”

he ran over grabbing sams legs as sam picked him up.

“Daddy your back!”

Sam hugged him tears falling down his face.  His eyes locked onto mine.

“Daddys home now ethan”

After breakfast dean came over so ethan could know his family. As sam and I did dishes his hands grabbed my hips spining me around so now I was face to face with him.

“Y/n I wanna be a family”

“We are sam”

“I wanna make it offical”

He reached into his pocket pulling out a ring.

“I know its not much but will you marry me ?”

“Yes sam oh my lord yes”

He kissed me , my hands tangled in jis hair as we parted I could hear ethan and dean.

“Ew mommy and daddy are kissing”

“I know right gross”

I smiled at sam , knowing he will always be there for ethan and I

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[kaengeru]

1-15

development questions.

DFGDH YOU

what would completely break your character?

I was gonna doodle the scene that does this but I cant bring myself to doing it so! short of something like an actual post-apocalypse scenario happening in enya’s universe (a complete mental break), the worst is when sarah dies. that does just completely destroys her and it takes her a good long time before she’s capable of. acting a person again.

what was the best thing in your character’s life? ✓

though Id definitely count her meeting and learning a lot from her biological dad. enya frequently mentions how much she hates him, but he’s another really, really good influence on her life. plus, he’s very helpful at teaching her about the whole not human half of herself.

what was the worst thing in your character’s life?

mostly the really vague things I keep needing to detail out in her timeline. though the extended period in animal testing still ranks high on the list.

SO (and this is why Im bad at headcanon prompts) thinking about it, the actual worst thing enya’s been through was not her captivity. granted, it wasnt pleasant, however she would count it as one of her worst experiences because she can easily see the damage from that time. even if there was far worse to deal with in the future, there’s nothing physical she can look at and recall the memory.

what seemingly insignificant memories stuck with your character? ✓

did you know how many types of crackers there are in the store. of cookies? even noodles? because she still cant wrap her mind around it.

does your character work so they can support their hobbies or use their hobbies as a way of filling up the time they aren’t working?

the immediate thought is the latter, because she wouldnt work at all if she could. however, since her hobbies involving buying a lot of parts, there’s definitely some argument to the former.

what is your character reluctant to tell people?

even more so than the inhuman factor is definitely her elemental manipulation ability stuff. sure, she’ll use those abilities more than shifting or most anything else, but largely subtle things. and unless she really trusts someone, or the other person also has similar abilities, she’ll never tell.

how does your character feel about sex?

better than she use to! sex was definitely a sort of necessity for a while and was very not fun, more just a boring, “lets get this over with” activity. now though, after learning that, hey, you can actually enjoy this, and get something out of it beside the most bare bones release? its a lot more fun. if anything, being a weird not person makes finding whats fun even more interesting.

how many friends does your character have?

going off the lengthier “how many does she want”, at least a few. enya sure couldnt tell you more than a handful, and thats really just her remembering random peoples names.

how many friends does your character want? ✓

only the best friends are acceptable here (and that is probably technically about 3 or 4, when she remembers).

what would your character make a scene in public about?

kind of anything, depending largely more on the who than the what. if she’s with someone who, in one way or another, is really getting on her nerves, she has no qualms against anything from throwing a plate or glass, to kicking over a newsstand, knocking stuff off shelves… etc. short of anything that may have the police called (throwing things through windows or extensive damage to private property, mostly). basically, enya doesnt feel any sort of embarrassment, kinda doesnt understand the emotion, but is happy to torture someone else who does.

granted, she’ll do the same if she’s on the phone, too, or if something comes up in her head, or if her emotions take a wrong turn, or overhearing the wrong conversation. rather than lash out physically at another person, as nice as that would be, she’s learned to, at least, enjoy the simplicity of throwing a glass of water against the wall during the middle of lunch.

it doesnt always help, but when it gets that bad, she’ll go somewhere less public.

for what would your character give their life?

if she had to or could die in place of sarah, that she would do. otherwise, not really anyone or anything. one shes debated is whether, if she didnt die, everything shes been working for wouldnt matter, if she would die. its hard to say.

what are your character’s major flaws?

she is way too into herself and thinks way too much of what she does is, actually, the greatest. her stubbornness and absolute refusal to change or accept things unless she completely agrees with it.

what does your character pretend or try to care about?

other people. even with best bud sidney, in the end, enya still cant fully bring herself to feel everything she expresses. for him, she tries to mean it, but for most anyone else, it’s just to keep things going. be it a conversation or an interaction.

how does the image your character tries to project differ from the image they actually project?

Id imagine she’s a lot less charming than she thinks she is. just a guess.

what is your character afraid of?

history (literally) repeating itself, her history catching up to her, and… large bodies of water.

[michaelmilkers]

lgbt fiction: all for the game by nora sakavic

okay. all for the game has three books: the foxhole court (262 pages) the raven king (286 pages) and the king’s men (370 pages) and i finished it in 3 or 4 days i think

summary of the first book:

“Neil Josten is the newest addition to the Palmetto State University Exy team. He's short, he's fast, he's got a ton of potential—and he's the runaway son of the murderous crime lord known as The Butcher. Signing a contract with the PSU Foxes is the last thing a guy like Neil should do. The team is high profile and he doesn't need sports crews broadcasting pictures of his face around the nation. His lies will hold up only so long under this kind of scrutiny and the truth will get him killed. But Neil's not the only one with secrets on the team. One of Neil's new teammates is a friend from his old life, and Neil can't walk away from him a second time. Neil has survived the last eight years by running. Maybe he's finally found someone and something worth fighting for.”

obviously it was written by a woman but she gets a pass because the majority of it is very well done and she didnt try and make it a story ABOUT being gay. in fact the romance doesnt even start until a bit into the series which i found surprising

as i said in an earlier post i liked that the main characters were a cohesive group, it wasnt just main character, love interest, and background noise. the plot didnt feel like just something in place to orchestrate the romance, it was more that the romance was an aspect of it.

the main characters are on a sports team (a fictional sport) and for the most part there are six men and three women. their team captain is a woman.

would i recommend this series? yeah, i would. i really enjoyed it. it wasnt predictable, rejected a lot of m/m fiction stereotypes and tropes, and the story was genuinely interesting. i quite honestly could not give less of a fuck about mainstream sports (im a karate gay) but the scenes where they are playing the game are actually really exciting with the way the author writes them. 

with that said, i have a complaint.

three of the main characters are gay. the main character, the love interest, and a third character who from the start is very very open about being gay. at first it was refreshing to have a character so out like that, but then i was waiting for him to be fleshed out more and he just... wasnt. it got a little better in the second and third book but for the entire series he was basically The Gay One. all of the characters come from some sort of rough background, and even his backstory completely centers around him being gay with not accepting parents and all that. he flirted around endlessly to the point of being predatory, even though he has a boyfriend he is supposedly very committed to??? he was a fun character but it was just disappointing.

and now for trigger warnings, because this series has some heavy shit. i want yall to take this as seriously as possible: this series has some heavy shit.

minor stuff: frequent smoking, drinking, and recreational drug use, casual homophobia towards The Gay One, and what i guess counts??? as a sex scene a couple times, but seriously blink and you might miss it. a john green novel is more nsfw than this. mentions of self harm and suicide, but not in-depth.

major stuff: F R E Q U E N T violence of varying severity, which is sometimes described sort of in detail, physical and psychological torture, parental abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, rape, and csa. the last two are not described in detail but are mentioned kind of frequently after that part of a characters backstory is revealed. also semi-major character death a few times.

im going to put specifics i found particularly jarring/concerning without spoiling under the cut

one of the (male) characters was subjected to prolonged and repeated sexual abuse at the hands of a foster brother starting from an unnamed age, but it was as young as seven. the specifics of the abuse are not described, but some of the things the abuser said are, with mentions of incest (biological not foster) although it never actually happened

the protagonist and a few other main characters walk in on one of the (male) characters being raped. this is not described, and i had to read it twice to understand that that was what was going on. the situation is immediately stopped.

this event is brought up later in a mocking manner by an antagonist.

the protagonist is subjected to prolonged psychological and physical torture at the hands of an antagonist trying to basically break the protagonist. the reader sees tidbits of it but the rest is skipped over, with the book resuming with the aftermath.

the protagonist is tortured with knives, cigarettes, and a lighter on one occasion. parts of this are described.

one of the characters was beaten by his mother throughout his childhood. this is mentioned not described.

one of the characters was sent to conversion therapy. this is mentioned but not described.

this is a lot but everything turns out to be okay in the end, with a lot of the abusers getting whats coming to them. if you think you can still read the books i highly recommend you to do so, its really worth it in my opinion.

[bandaged-osamu-blog]

all of them for my fav lesbian alice

thank you

1. What influenced or inspired the creation of this character?

She is definitely influenced and inspired by Cassandra (Dragon Age) and Wonder Woman

2. What is your character’s relationship with their family? Family is a word which here refers to biological relatives, close companions, and/or the individual(s) who raised them.

She is close to her parents and temporarily moved back in with them for a few months before she moved back to Ukredon to become a city guard.3. Who is the closest person to them?

Her new girlfriend Pyper Blackwood, who she now lives with.4. What were the conditions surrounding their formative years?

Alice didn't have much money growing up, but they were not the poorest either. Her parents ran the local shop, providing the basics to the rest of the town for low prices. Because of this they were well known and respected.5. What creature would they like to have as a pet?

A massive dog, a beautiful dog that would look like it could maul you but in reality is a sweetie and a idiot in the best way6. Do they have any bad habits?

Alice puts justice above others and thinks of herself as morally higher than most, which leads her to judge others quickly - i think this counts as a bad habit7. Is there anyone they’d die for? Kill for? 

She would die for the greater good just as she would kill for the greater good. She wouldn't do these things unless it was for the best of EVERYONE not just someone like a friend or family member.8. Who was their first love?

Pyper, they were dating previously but Alice left to travel so they decided to break up, but their relationship was rekindled when Alice went back home9. How would this character react to someone confessing their love for them?

Alice would probably think that they were joking in some cruel prank. Once she believed you she would be embarrassed and not know how to act, but she would be very happy 10. How old is this character?

2511. Are they normally peaceful or aggressive?

She has never been aggressive in a surprising way (out of the blue) but I wouldn't say she was peaceful, she does cause party conflict frequently12. How does this character handle stress?

Dragon Vodka13. Does your character consider themselves lucky?

No, she has the worse luck14. What is their favourite holiday?

Easter, you can eat chocolate 15. What is the best gift they could receive?

A medal of recognition of what she has done for to help people (OR A MASSIVE TROPHY)16. If they could instantly kill one person in the world without consequence, who would it be?

Whoever the “big evil” is. If its not a person, then probs errus

17. If they were in possession of a trio of wishes, what would their three wishes be?

1-  Ukredon to be safe and rebuilt, 2- her brother never went missing 3- she was a lot more powerful so she could fight more things18. What is their favorite spell or method of attack?

Slicing19. What are their guilty pleasures?

make-up and dressing up, she likes to feel pretty but doesnt often get chance due to her job20. What is something this character is or could be addicted to?

Dragon Vodka21. Have you actually played this character yet?

I used to play her but she left the group when she got a job as a city guard. But I played her last session because she came along to help fight a dragon, which we have yet to face so i wll most likely be playing her next as well

[columpain]

THE NIKOLAS CRUZ CASE

and why i think its not too hard to reflect his behaviour (MAY 2019)

hello everyone!

i havent made such a post in like ever but after some researches, i felt like posting about it. my intention isnt strictly to inform but eventually to hear others opinions about it since im not a medical student or any professional in such case. whatoever, ill try to analyze and interpret the behaviour of nikolas cruz and what my thoughts are.

in matter of me taking research myself i cant really tell if my knowledge is 100% correct.

WHO IS HE?

born on september 24st in 1998, the now twenty year old injured seventeen people and killed seventeen others on valentines day in 2018. opening fire in florida, stoneman douglas high.

he was charged with 17 counts of premeditated murder and 17 counts of attempted murder. police and prosecutors have not offered a motive and are investigating “a pattern of disciplinary issues and unnerving behavior”, but cruz offered several motives for the crime. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFSV0NjxFO0 )

the boy claims demons and voices being the main cause of his homocidal actions. although he tends to describe it all like some accident that happened, researches through his phone and other evidences make public, that it was a planned and structured case of a shooting. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNMGzsxJgkM , for further informtion, you can easily research yourself )

____________________

BIPOLAR 1 DISORDER

quoting from a webside, bipolar one includes depressive, such as maniac phases in which the patient swings dratically within a few days

people with schizoaffective disorder experience episodes which are similar to depression just as well as psychotic symptoms. its not unlikely that any form of bipolar disorder can cause schizophrenic experiences, just like hearing voices.

a 22 year study concludes, that actions in cases, just like his, were rated higher to most likely happen during manic phases than through depressive ones.

“ The risk of offenses, particularly homicide for family members, should not be overlooked in the depressive phases of bipolar disorder.”

another circumstantial evidence for his possible diagnose is, that violence does has a high rate to be involved. especially in cases of traumatic events during childhood. CNN already reported about him, calling him the broken child who developed into a mass killer.

“Cruz was adopted at a young age by Roger and Lynda Cruz. Roger died years ago. Lynda died last fall, following an illness. He was taken in by the parents of a schoolmate, according to that family’s attorney. “

his biological mother was already involved in cases of drug abuse and violence. which would lead to the fact, had he wasnt growing up with his actual parents. having those, who he trusted and grew up with as his parents though, dying on him, could have been the last bit, that kicked him into the depressive state.

according to interviews and plenty of story tellers, nikolas alway used to be “the evil kid ho was always getting in trouble.”

in 2014, a few psychologists reported the connection between the violence in bipolar disorder in context of childhood trauma

“A history of childhood traumatic experience has been associated with increased vulnerability to multiple mental disorders, including mood disorders and personality disorders.[…] found that a history of 2 or more types of trauma is associated with a 3-fold increase in the risk of bipolar disorder. Prognosis and course of bipolar disorder are worse when there is a history of trauma. Trauma history is associated with earlier onset of bipolar disorder; faster cycling; increased rates of suicide; and more comorbidity, including anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and substance use disorders.” (https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/bipolar-disorder/violence-bipolar-disorder)

this chart (https://healthmutant.com/what-is-bipolar-disorder-symptoms-causes-and-treatment/) shows the differences, such as the mood in which the patient is most likely swinging in between. in that case, bipolar one tends to drastically raise out of the depressive state into the mania. in most likely a short period of time, but it can last up to six month. already we know that his mom had died within a few month before the massacre. a different source gives away the information, that his ex gilfriend has had broken up with him not too long before the shooting happened. just on his way to the school, he had left her plenty messages in hopes she would satisfy his need, and probably lack of the attention he was craving for.

DEPRESSION ISNT ALWAYS SILENT

“People with depressive illness often have symptoms of overt or suppressed anger. Those with anger traits face exaggerated problem during symptomatic period of depression.”

associative anger outbust isnt only linked to depression in common suffer, but it also happens a lot during bipolar episodes.

several theorists and psycologists have figured, that conflicts and struggles in coping with anger does have a central role in depression.

“Depression has also been conceptualized as a kind of self-directed anger and noted a propensity toward hatred and hostility has been noticed in patients with depression, based on temperament or early experience.” (both quotes used from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3959025/)

a depressive state can most likely lead to anger or irritation at some point. frustration and confusion by wondering why and how, and not finding any solution. irritabble depression does also effect the patients empathy. it leads to the urge of not being the only one to suffer, or showing others “what they have done to you.”

CONCLUSION

according to older classmates and people around him, he wasnt really being activly bullied but has been known as the weird kid around.

“if anyone would be a suspect of schooting up a school, it would be him.”

he was in a hole where he couldnt escape out of all alone. in combination with the gun law system all around america and the overall association of a gun being the equivalence to respect and strong show off by the individual lead to the conclusion of a homocidal outbust, relieving anger.

it can be discussed if he shoud have been looked after more but its stated that he was already showing off suspicious behaviour.it as just a matter of time, but its always only relevant enough a speak about if it actually happened.

im wishing all the victims, familiy members and friends all the best in the future. may the fallen ones rest in peace

let us all pray that it doesnt take any more deaths before the government wakes up

after all, he had killed people. pulling a trigger isnt something that just happens. its a decision that is wrong and should be treathened as such.

[apsbicepstraining]

How Numerous Calories Does Having Sex Really Burn?

No matter what you are doing, you are always employing and igniting off calories. Did you know you that 10 minutes of chortling ignites off about 50 calories? Even brushing your teeth for two minutes burns5. 7 calories.

Sex, the most delightful type of exercise, too ignites off a handful of calories, but its difficult to say what a good norm is. Some said here today about 69 calories, whereas others claim sexercise can burn over 200.

Buried in a study about obesity in the New England Journal of Medicine is a small reference to this, which notes that a serviceman in his mid-to-early 30 s engaging in the average segment of sexual activity thats six times would burn off only 21 measly calories. This is based on a rough forecast of person or persons proportion of energy transition( metabolism) during sex an educated guess, really.

Clearly, its complicated. It depends on a huge series of factors, including but not limited to whether you are male or female, who youre engaging in a frivolous search with, how long specific actions last-places, how vigorous it is, your relative cardiovascular health, muscle mass and, of course, what situation( s) you are taking.

So what sexual practice burns off “the worlds largest” calories? Gives check what discipline has to say about it.

Calorie Counting

Physical activity, which patently includes copulation, represents up precisely 10 to 30 percent of your vigor usage. The more muscles you have, the more vigour they require to be used, and the more there is a requirement respire, the more vigour youll use up.

So if you have especially spirited sexuality for longer, and youre specially muscly already, youll blaze up more calories. Thats the basic discipline of different forms of exercise.

Additionally, prolonging foreplay, perhaps throwing in a massage or two or a spontaneous dance see if youre into that various kinds of happening will certainly burn up more calories than exactly careening straight-from-the-shoulder into coitus. There is one other thing thats worth considering, though: orgasms.

Orgasms do make a difference, but it is not clear by how much. Mariyana M/ Shutterstock

Biological Fireworks

Orgasms require a fair bit of energy to take place, and were not just talking about the foreplay required to initiate them. Clearly, though, the longer it takes to bring someone to orgasm exploiting a variety of somewhat repetition activities, the more calories the stimulator will ignite but what about the luck orgasming party themselves?

Orgasms concern a rush of hormones, a spike in blood flowing, the generation and the ejaculation of a variety of sex fluids, all of which expend force. On average, the process of attaining an orgasm can burn off between 60 to 100 calories, according to one generator. Another claims precisely 3 calories are used.

In any case, most men post-orgasm have a respite or refractory date of duration wherein they cannot achieve another until their shrivelled soldier has recovered. On average, this lasts 30 hours. Certain dames can have orgasms nearly indefinitely during the same periods of time so in terms of calories burned through orgasms during an amorous seminar, they obviously win this round.

Awkward Position

The discipline of copulation is emphatically complicated. SOMKKU/ Shutterstock

The more locations you attempt during sex, the more calories youll scorch, but for simplicitys purpose, lets presuppose the same berth is deem throughout. So what stance kindles away “the worlds largest” calories doggy style, cowgirl, classic missionary or something high-risk chiming “ve called the” passion propeller?

As it is about to change, there arent too many studies on the subject. Forearming a enthusiastic duet with high-tech cardiovascular monitoring equipment is difficult for a fair few rationales, so most publishings have taken to affording rough is forecast that, at a glance, appear to vary wildly.

A company called UK Medix, an online pharmacy, has for some intellect designed a Sex Calculator. This digital interest claims to work out how many calories a little bit of bed-based bouncing smolders off, depending on place, your load, and whether the participant in question is male or female.

It doesnt appear particularly accurate when asked about load, one alternative is curves in all the right places, which appears to approximately translate as average weight. For the duration dropdown casket, it wanders from slow and tender to fast and fierce. It is unlikely to be particularly scientific.

However, another online calculator by another UK pharmacy, Superdrug, seems ludicrously comprehensive by comparison. It allows you to choose the gender of not just yourself, but your collaborator. Users can also numerically recruit their specific heaviness, along with the duration of their enthusiastic swoop in minutes, from zero to 120.

Keeping to a moderate severity, usurping copulation last-places for 15 instants, and using the average weight of 89 kilograms( 196 pounds) for US men and 75 kilograms( 166 pounds) for US females, the results are perhaps unsurprising.

For a human, standing-based sexuality scorches the most calories (8 0 ), must be accompanied by doggy form( 76 ), missionary( 72 ), spooning( 67 ), and finally, cowgirl( 25 ). For a woman, cowgirl uses the most( 67 calories ), followed by doggy( 54 ), sit( 53 ), spooning( 48 ), then missionary( 24 ).

Roughly speaking, the most subservient orientations burn up the least for both copulations. From a practical position, this reaches some sort of appreciation, although individual events may differ, of course.

Not an Precise Science

Harmonizing to the calculator, an average span foreplay and copulation seminar between a males and implying three or four different positions burns off this numerous calories. Superdrug/ Online Doctor

In what is a candidly incongruous scenario, moderate ferocity missionary for a wince-inducing two hours would burn up 570 calories for the man according to Superdrug’s plannings, whereas the equivalent cowgirl would burn up 537 for a woman. The lower calorie counts for women are chiefly linked to their lower median quantities, and as aforementioned, it takes less effort to move little mass.

That missionary marathon, by the way, is roughly equal to playing tennis for 46 minutes, swimming for 74 minutes, or moving for 9.3 kilometers( 5.8 miles ). The latter speciman is the equivalent of running for about 7.7 kilometers( 4.8 miles) at a moderate speed, doing yoga for 143 minutes, or dancing for 95 minutes. So, theoretically, fornication could be a viable form of practise like more conventional forms.

If youre strange, a soldier playing oral sex on a woman implements 40 calories, whereas a woman doing the same to a serviceman utilizes 34. If youd like to see the results for same-sex couples, or to work out how much power the wheelbarrow post would spend, delight dive into the numerical simulate here.

This surprisingly thorough calculator doesnt get into much detail regarding the scale methodology, but the designers, Fractl, seem to be a well-respected content agency that focuses on data presentation.

They reference various technical notions and papers, but they seem to get their basic calorific datum from a somewhat tongue-in-cheek work announced Position of the Day Playbook, which they district does not contain any remarks to any kind of technical methodology. Perhaps there were some Fitbits involved.

Either way, as is abundantly clear by this extent, this is not an precise science.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

Although there are plenty of minor differences, its almost certain that the most spirited, active standings burn up the most calories, and men burn up slightly more than women on average because they have highermasses. Weigh more, and youll burn up more.

At present, though, it sounds most of the calorie weighs given are educated judgments put through vaguely scientific filters. For any weight-watchers out there, take a stand if youre male, and do the cowgirl if youre female but wed suggest that if youre having sex mainly to blaze of calories, your priorities are definitely unusual.

Different strokes for different kinfolks. David Tadevosian/ Shutterstock

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