#hate him unless hes John Doe in telltale then hes just a little annoying but otherwise a dumb fuck i can enjoy

[danfanciesphil]

L’Histoire Française (New Chapter)

Teacher AU (Part 12)

(Part One)

(Part Two)

(Part Three)

(Part Four)

(Part Five)

(Part Six)

(Part Seven)

(Part Eight)

(Part Nine)

(Part Ten)

(Part Eleven)

(Now Available on Ao3!)

“Dan?”

The sound of Phil’s voice, confused as it is, is like a blanket of calm. Dan’s shoulders release their tension, and he sits heavily down on his bed, eyes slipping shut.

The phone clamped to his ear stays quiet for a moment, and then Dan can hear something, a clattering noise.

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asks, concern creeping into his tone now.

“Yeah,” Dan says in a breath, nodding as the relief washes over him. “Yeah, sorry, I’m… I was just…”

Dan trails off, teeth catching hold of his lip as he struggles with how to phrase this. The silence on the other end of the line goes on for around ten seconds.

“You’ve never called me before,” Phil notes quietly.

“First time for everything,” Dan says. He clears his throat, trying to gather himself together. “So, I was actually calling to say this is all a huge mistake, and that you shouldn’t come over tonight.”

“Oh,” comes Phil’s reply. There’s no mistaking the cut of disappointment in his voice.

Dan sighs, immediately feeling himself melt. “But I’m not gonna say that.”

“You’re gonna give me whiplash,” Phil says, making Dan smile.

“Sorry. I’m getting kind of anxious thinking about it is all,” Dan says, eyes travelling to the ceiling of his bedroom. “But talking to you is helping.”

“It is?”

Dan blinks in surprise. “Yeah, of course. You make everything better, didn’t you know?”

Phil laughs, sounding a little baffled. “No, I wasn’t aware. Um, that’s… really nice. I’m glad I can help you to feel… better. Is that okay to say?”

“I think so,” Dan says, shrugging to his empty room. “I’m not an expert in what’s okay and what’s not-okay for us from here on out.”

“No, me neither.”

“What are you doing?” Dan asks, mostly to steer the conversation into safer territory. “I heard clattering.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m baking cookies.”

“Cookies?” Dan says, sitting up a little straighter. “Cookies for who?”

He can hear Phil laughing at the eagerness of his tone. “For everyone. Teddy, Tyler, me, Buffy… hmm, can’t think of anyone else, though.”

“I hate you,” Dan tells him fondly. “What kind of cookies are they?”

“Pecan and cinnamon.”

“I think I just drooled on myself.”

Phil laughs again, low and happy. Dan can picture they way his eyes are crinkling, sending a blossoming flower of warmth spreading through his chest. He thinks of Phil, covered head to toe in flour, a rolling pin in his hand, cutting little shapes out of dough, feeding Buffy globs of icing and whispering to her not to tell.

“I want to bake with you,” Dan says, not really thinking. He can feel the hearts in his eyes still, they’re cloaking everything in a rosy-lovestruck-haze. “I mean, if it’s not against the rules.”

“There are rules now?”

“Well no, I suppose not, but-”

“I doubt John wouldn’t be as mean as to stop us from whipping up some cakes together, Dan.”

Dan snorts, rolling his eyes. “Especially if we bring him a few.”

“That’s a plan, then.”

“Okay,” Dan says with a smile, incredibly happy that they’ve scheduled another time to hang out, even if it’s ill-advised. “And we’re still on for tonight?”

“Unless you ring me up in an hour and cancel,” Phil says.

“Hah… I’ll try not to.”

“Seriously though,” Phil says, making Dan pause. “If you do get… anxious or anything. Not just about tonight, but ever… I want you to know that you can talk to me. You know, if it really does help you.”

The words knock the breath out of him. Nobody, Dan decides in that moment, not the ground Phil walks on, not the oxygen rushing into Phil’s lungs, will ever deserve him. He’s the purest, most selfless person on this earth.

“Thanks,” Dan whispers, though it’s a millionth of what he could say.

“No problem,” Phil tells him, sincerely. “I should… probably get back to the cookies. Unless you need me to…”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Dan assures him. “I’m okay now. I’m chill.”

Phil laughs. “So I don’t need to bring you baked goods to make you feel better?”

“Oh, weird, I seem to be getting all worked up again…”

Phil laughs again, louder and brighter. “Cookies on their way. See you later.”

“Bye, Phil,” Dan says softly, a smile still warm on his face.

“Bye.”

The line drops, but Dan holds the phone to his face for another minute or two, listening to the crackle of the void where Phil’s sweet, reassuring voice just was, letting it glide, smooth and silken, over his skin.

*

“What’s this?” Dan asks, perplexed as a glass of clear, bubbling liquid is shoved into his hand.

“A drink,” Tyler replies, one eyebrow raised. “Don’t try and tell me you don’t need it.”

“You’ve been sitting in that spot by the window with your knee jiggling a mile a minute for like an hour,” Teddy agrees, glancing over the top of his laptop. “Drink the fucking G & T.”

“I don’t need-”

“If you won’t do it for us, do it for the poor driveway.”

“What?”

“You’ve been giving the driveway a laser death stare,” Teddy explains, making Tyler laugh. “Give it a break. Drink the alcohol, and let your poor muscles relax.”

“He’s not exactly a scary man,” Tyler reminds him; suddenly the drink in Dan’s hand looks a lot more appetising. “He’s… well, I suppose he is rather intimidatingly attractive, but…”

Tyler trails off, his eyes glazing over. Teddy hurls a cushion at him.

“Quit daydreaming about Sexy Teacher,” he cries, annoyed. “He’s Dan’s anyway.”

Tyler smirks, walking over to the sofa and flopping down beside his boyfriend. “It’s unspeakably hot when you get all jealous, darling.”

Deciding that sobriety is, in fact, not his friend this evening, Dan gulps down some gin and tonic, wincing. He doesn’t particularly like the stuff, but Tyler loves to pretend he’s a bougie, pretentious gin connoisseur.

It’s at that moment that Dan hears the telltale sound of a car pulling into the driveway. He chokes a little on the gin, spluttering, and looks towards Tyler and Teddy in alarm.

“Ooh, here he is!” Tyler squeals, jumping up. “I’ll get the door.”

“Nope,” Dan objects, standing and grabbing Tyler by the arm. “You are not accosting him before he even gets inside, let me gradually lead him into the deep end at least.”

Tyler opens his mouth as if he’s about to object, but Dan hurries out of the room before he can listen to whatever inane protestation his flatmate is about to put forward. He gets to the front door just as the doorbell rings, and hauls it open before the sound has even finished.

Phil blinks in surprise, his hand still poised over the bell.

Oh, God, Dan thinks in despair. He looks sensational.

A thousand potential compliments rush through Dan’s blank mind, swirling into a frenzy. Phil’s hair is artfully tousled, fringe swept effortlessly to the side. He’s not wearing his glasses, meaning that the blue of his eyes shines out, pigmented and piercing. A tight black jumper hugs his torso, making him appear even leaner and taller. Teamed with the black skinnies he’s almost never without, he looks like he’s stepped off a runway at of Paris Fashion Week.

The only thing out of place is the flowery yellow cake tin tucked under one of his arms. Dan’s eyes fall to it, mostly so that he won’t gawp in a more inappropriate direction.

“Um, hi,” Phil says, and Dan realises he hasn’t said a word since he opened the door.

Resisting the urge to smack himself in the face, Dan laughs, feeling how pink his cheeks are becoming just at the sight of him. “Hi, sorry - my brain zonked out there for a second. Come in.”

Dan smiles in what he hopes is some semblance of a welcome, and steps aside to let Phil through. As Phil passes him, the tangy, sweet notes of his cologne brush into Dan’s senses, and he almost groans.

Instead, he takes a moment to gather himself, then shuts the door, sealing them both in the hallway, alone.

After a pretty awkward few moments of silence, where Dan genuinely can’t think of how to speak, Phil holds up the tin, smiling. “I brought cookies.”

“You did,” Dan agrees, reaching to receive the tin. “I mean, you said you would and… you followed through. Thank you.”

Phil smiles a little wider. “Well, they’re not all for you.”

“Too bad, because I’m eating every single one, the others can suck it.”

“What can we suck, darling?” Tyler asks, strolling into the hall, Teddy at his side. “Phil! You made it. And you look ravishing, might I say.”

“Oh, th-thank you,” Phil replies politely. “Good to see you again, guys.”

“I get the feeling you don’t wear black very often,” Teddy says, circling him, vulture-like. “Is that correct?”

“Uh, I do generally like to be a bit more colourful, I suppose.”

“Well, dear, I think if you wore black every day you’d probably knock a dozen people out just on your way into work,” Teddy says, laughing. “So, perhaps it’s a good thing.”

“Is he saying he likes it, or…?” Phil asks Dan in a whisper, though his eyes are glinting with amusement.

Dan lets out a soft chuckle, still feeling a little out of it. Perhaps that early G & T wasn’t such a great idea. “Yes, he likes it.”

“Come on then, fellas,” Tyler says loudly, clapping his hands. “Let’s get some drinks together.”

“Do you like gin, Phil?” Teddy asks as they usher Phil towards the kitchen. “I only ask because if you say no, Tyler will probably ask you to leave.”

“Uh, I thought we were going to the pub?” Phil says, throwing Dan a confused glance.

Dan just shrugs; he’s gotten used to letting Tyler and Teddy dictate his every move when it comes to nights out, as it’s far easier than trying to keep up with whatever mad plan they cook up, let alone put his own opinion in. He’s kind of forgotten that that isn’t actually very normal.

“Oh, we are,” Tyler assures him, disappearing into the kitchen. Dan sighs, following along behind them all. “But first we’re going to have a little drinkie here.”

“Oh, well, in that case, you’d better make mine just a T,” Phil says, eyeing the enormous bottle of fancy-looking gin in Tyler’s hands with a fair amount of wariness. “Minus the G.”

Tyler and Teddy both whirl around to face him, utterly scandalised. Dan wishes he had better reflexes, because their faces are priceless, and he would have loved to capture them on his phone camera for future blackmail.

A couple of seconds pass though, and then they melt to expressions of confusion. Much less interesting.

“Sorry, darling, I think I misunderstood,” Tyler says with a concerned bubble of laughter. “I thought you said you didn’t want any of my gin. Obviously I’m mistaken.”

Phil laughs. “It’s nothing personal. I’m a big gin fan, but… well, I can only really have one drink tonight, so I thought I’d save it for the pub.”

Dan frowns, fingers drumming on the lid of the tin in his hands. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I have to stay under the limit,” Phil explains, shrugging. The others continue staring in bewilderment. “... because I’m driving home,” he clarifies.

Oh, Dan thinks, blinking at the news. He hadn’t even considered that.

All of a sudden, Teddy and Tyler are bursting into laughter. “Oh, you are funny, Phil.”

“As if you’re driving home tonight!”

For some reason, Dan thinks he can see a light blush atop Phil’s cheeks. “Um… well, I have to get home somehow…”

“No, sweetie!” Tyler says, struggling as he attempts to unscrew the lid of the bottle in his hands. “I won’t hear of it. Stay over here! You can sleep on the couch, it’s very comfortable.”

“You would know, Ty,” Teddy says, plucking the bottle out of Ty’s hands and twisting the lid off in one go.

Tyler rolls his eyes, taking the opened bottle back again. “On the rare occasions we have a little tiff, I might have ended up getting some rest on it myself,” Tyler admits. “Before Teddy comes downstairs all teary-eyed and drags me back up to bed, of course.”

Teddy smacks Tyler on the bum, rather hard. “You’ll be joining Phil tonight if you’re not careful.”

“With pleasure,” Tyler grins, winking at Phil.

Dan’s fingers scrape a little against the metallic lid, and he winces. 

“Um, look, guys, it’s very sweet of you to offer, but I’m not sure whether-”

“I’m not taking no for an answer, Phil,” Tyler warns him. He shoves a freshly made gin and tonic into Phil’s hand, effectively silencing him.

Clearly at a loss, Phil turns to Dan, as though asking his thoughts. Dan shrugs in what he hopes is a breezy, ‘whatever’ kind of way. It seems to confuse Phil a bit, understandably, as Dan literally almost hyperventilated down the phone at him a few hours ago, and that was just over worries about him coming over at all.

But the thing is, as Dan told Phil yesterday, this is all a pretty bad idea, probably. Dan’s since surrendered himself to that. Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t desperately, achingly want Phil to stay over tonight. In fact, he can think of nothing more that he’d wish for, at this time.

“The couch is pretty comfy,” Dan says after a minute, taking one of the glasses Tyler is handing out.

“Perfect!” Tyler cries, holding up his gin and tonic in salute. “So it’s settled. We’re all getting smashed, exposing our deepest, darkest secrets to one another, becoming the best of friends, and then we’re all coming back here to sleep and forget the whole thing ever happened.”

“Are you okay with it, though?” Dan asks Phil, wanting to be sure. “I mean, I don’t want to force you into sleeping on my sofa.”

“Yeah,” Teddy agrees, suspiciously sincere. He takes a sip from his drink. “I’m sure Dan has plenty of better options for you if the couch isn’t appealing.”

“Teddy, I will eviscerate you,” Dan grits out, glaring at him. Luckily, Phil seems to find this very amusing.

“Oh,” Tyler sighs happily. He rests his elbows on Dan and Phil’s shoulders, clinking his glass against theirs. “This is going to be a very fun night, boys.”

*

Dan kind of knows he shouldn’t, but he sits beside Phil on the sofa. He can feel Phil’s leg pressed against his as he sips at his second gin and tonic of the evening. It’s warm and reassuring. If he closes his eyes, he can remember how it felt to have Phil’s thighs either side of him, the weight of his body piled into his lap.

“So, Phil, did you have fun in Paris?”

Dan’s eyes fly open at Teddy’s question. He and Tyler are curled into the armchair again, all intertwined legs and draped elbows.

“Yeah, it was really good,” Phil replies. “I think it was really educational for the kids, which is nice. Plus we crammed a lot in.”

“So I hear,” Tyler says. Dan immediately feels his heart start to race. Why, oh why did he ever tell Tyler a damn thing? “What was your favourite part of the trip, Philly?”

Dan’s eyes fall closed, and he sips more of his drink. When Phil doesn’t answer, he looks over in surprise. Phil seems to be struggling for how to respond.

“Personally, I loved the Musée D’Orsay,” Dan jumps in, trying to come to Phil’s rescue. “You’d have really liked it, Teddy - the walls were these huge Monet canvases-”

“Um, no offence, Dan, but we’ve heard you blabber on about Paris for a week,” Tyler interrupts him. “I believe I asked Phil.”

Helpless, Dan sighs in defeat, aiming an apologetic glance in Phil’s direction. He just smiles, and clears his throat, looking down into his glass.

“Probably the boat trip,” Phil says at last, his long fingers closing tightly around Dan’s heart.

“Boat trip?” Teddy asks, frowning. “You didn’t mention that, Dan.”

Phil glances at him, questioning, but Dan doesn’t bother to respond. It’s not exactly an uncrackable mystery, why he chose not to divulge this small part of the trip. The memories of the boat are a little too personal, a little too painful to share with his idiot flatmates.

So Dan just shrugs, sipping more of his drink. It’s halfway gone already. Perhaps he should slow down.

“Yeah, it was… just a small thing I booked as a surprise for the kids at the end,” Phil explains. He’s trying to play it down, make it seem like less than it was, Dan realises, marvelling once again that Phil is able to read him so easily. “Just one of those river cruises down the Seine, you know.”

“But-” Teddy starts to say, but Dan sits upright, needing to stop this conversation in its tracks.

“Hey, Phil made cookies for us,” he says as brightly as possible. “Let’s all have one.”

“Ooh, cookies!” Tyler exclaims, the boat forgotten, thank heavens.

Dan lifts himself up from the couch, walking briskly into the kitchen to find the tin Phil brought. His fingers rest atop the bright yellow lid, tracing the flowers etched into the design. He shuts his eyes, taking this moment of solitude to silently stuff each suffocating memory of that night last Sunday into the back of his mind.

It’s too much, to remember it now, in the face of everything. Of course that was Phil’s favourite moment of the trip. It’s Dan’s favourite moment of his entire life. It’s the moment when his very concept of reality exploded, supernova-style, as Phil’s lips crashed into his. With one unexpected kiss, he splintered Dan’s self-doubt into a thousand sparkling pieces, along with the certainty Dan had carried, that Phil would never, in a million universes, over a billion lifetimes, ever actually want him.

It still doesn’t make sense. It still feels like a dream.

The fairylights twinkling above their heads. The gentle rocking of the boat on the river over which a thousand lovers had once padlocked their names. The taste of red wine on Phil’s mouth. The silvery wisps of his breath, that Dan had been close enough to feel ghosting over his chin.

It’s a moment plucked from the most fantastical story. It’s the kind of thing that never happens to anyone, let alone Dan Howell, the anxious, socially-awkward teaching assistant from Reading, England.

If was a mad, perfect moment. And Dan will never know anything like it again, he’s sure.

“Hey,” a voice says, making Dan jump.

He turns to the doorway of the kitchen, heart fighting its way out of his chest. Phil is standing there, glass in hand. His expression is soft, like he’s looking at a lost kitten, rather than a twenty-something nerd staring at the tin he was supposed to bring in five minutes ago.

“Hi,” Dan says after a moment. “Sorry, I just… I dunno, I got caught up in my own head for a sec. I’ll bring this in.”

Phil nods, and neither of them move. “I’m sorry if I… said something I shouldn’t have.”

Dan scoffs. “Don’t be stupid. How were you supposed to know I didn’t tell them about, um, about…”

“The boat,” Phil says, a little sadly. “Why didn’t you?”

Dan sends him a look of scorn. “Come off it.”

Unexpectedly, Phil laughs. Dan joins in, both of them caught up in it for a moment. When he stops, Phil says, “it’s a nice memory.”

Dan shrugs, feeling his teeth bite at his lip, puncturing the skin. “It’s just hard to think about it right now, is all.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Phil says. He looks guilty, for some reason.

“Cookies will help,” Dan offers, picking the tin up and forcing a smile. “Come on. The others will have no problem eating me if they don’t get the baked goods they were promised.”

Phil doesn’t move, so Dan is forced to squeeze past him through the door. For the sake of his own sanity, he pretends he imagines the soft graze of Phil’s hand over his back as he goes.

*

“Please, take them away from me,” Tyler begs Teddy, who is feeding him a third cookie. “I’m going to have to book in three more gym sessions this week to make up for this.”

“Oh shut your face, you’re gorgeous and you know it,” Teddy says, rolling his eyes. He takes a bite of the cookie he’s holding, making an ‘mmm’ sound. “I have to say, Phil. You have truly exceeded my expectations. Must be all that time in Paris. The French do know how to bake.”

Phil chuckles politely, swallowing the last of his cookie. “Thanks. I did start baking a lot more when I lived in Paris, actually. It’s therapeutic, I find. And I was under a lot of stress, at the time.”

“Pourquoi?” Tyler asks, intrigued.

“Oh, um,” Phil says, unmistakably uncomfortable all of a sudden. Dan watches curiously, chewing on his own cookie, as Phil shifts about. “I was… going through a breakup.”

Dan’s eyebrows lift; he doesn’t miss the worried glance Phil throws his way. He clears his throat, and drinks some more G & T, wondering if he’s about to have to listen to the wonders of whoever Phil’s ex was, on top of everything else.

“You had… a Parisian lover?” Tyler asks, struggling to sit upright with Teddy on his knee. “A paramour, perhaps?”

Phil laughs awkwardly. “No, nothing like that. Paramour tends to refer to people having illicit affairs. I was just seeing someone for a time. But it didn’t work out.”

Dan rolls his eyes at Tyler, who is so clearly brimming with curiosity that it’s practically spilling out of his hungry eyes.

“These cookies are incredible, by the way,” Dan interjects, sensing Phil would like a change of subject.

Phil beams at him, opening his mouth to respond. Before he can get there, however, Tyler pipes up again.

“Male or female?”

Phil blinks at him. “Sorry?”

“Your non-paramour,” Tyler clarifies. “What gender were they?”

“Could be neither,” Teddy adds, nibbling. “We can’t cis-sume.”

Dan snorts. “Did you just make that word up?”

Teddy grins. “It works, don’t you think? No point cis-suming something.”

“Guys! I’m waiting for Phil’s answer,” Tyler shouts crossly.

“It was a man,” Phil says slowly, like he’s treading through a minefield.

“So you’re gay?” Tyler asks.

“Ty! For fuck’s sake,” Dan cries, glaring at him. “You don’t have to answer him, Phil. He’s being a prat.”

Phil just shrugs. “It’s okay. I guess I don’t really know what the future might bring, but at this point in my life I’ve only ever liked boys.”

Dan’s mouth is dry, suddenly. He puts the rest of his cookie to one side for a moment, scared he might choke. He pours the remainder of his drink down his throat, not listening to word of whatever Ty is babbling about. Something about the Kinsey Scale.

“Shall we get going?” Dan asks the general room, not really caring if they agree. He stands up, gathering his and Phil’s empty glasses and the cake tin, then heading into the kitchen. “Come on, if we don’t leave now we’ll end up staying here all night.”

“True,” Dan hears Teddy say as he leaves the room. “S’not like that hasn’t happened a few times.”

Before they get out of the door, Dan insists on making up a bed on the sofa for Phil. He knows what Tyler and Teddy are like on these pub trips - Dan will be surprised if any of them stumble back later with enough sense to open the front door, let alone throw some sheets and blankets together for poor Phil to sleep on.

Phil tries to protest as Dan gets the pillows and covers out of the cupboard, but Dan won’t hear of it. He does his best to make the sofa seem comfy, then stands back to survey his work. Tyler sidles up beside him, resting his elbow on Dan’s shoulders.

“Not sure why you’re bothering, to be honest, honey,” he says. “Not like he’s going to be sleeping here, after all.” Dan shoves him off, annoyed.

“Don’t be a twat, Ty,” Dan hisses, looking around the living room in case anyone heard.

Luckily, Phil and Teddy seem to have already migrated out into the hall.

Tyler lifts his hands in defence, smirking. “Dan, I’m just going off the fact that Sexy Teacher has stared pointedly at your ass every time your back is turned.”

Dan groans in despair, his cheeks beginning to burn. “Ty, can you please not? You know it’s not gonna happen, I told you-”

“Actually you just sobbed in my arms and told me fuck all,” Tyler corrects him. “It made me think things were pretty hopeless, honestly, but seeing how you two are around each other, I can’t help but wonder what the fuck you’re playing at.”

“It’s complicated!”

“Is it? Or are you just being a wimp?”

Dan opens his mouth, indignant, but before he can respond, Teddy is poking his head around the door, looking impatient.

“Are you guys coming, or what?”

*

Their local pub is called The Cat & Bear. It’s an old-fashioned, proper English tavern, with ivy crawling along the red brick outside, hops hanging from the dark oak bar, and some hearty British ales and stouts on tap. They sell the cheaper stuff too, of course: Carlsberg and Stella and all the other ‘lad’ lagers. None of them are particularly keen on beer, but they always drink it here, mostly because they’re too afraid to ask for anything else. Places like The Cat & Bear make people like Dan, Tyler, and Teddy painfully aware of how ‘millennial’ they are with their skinny jeans, side-fringes and colourful array of sexualities.

“Four Peronis, please,” Dan says to Frank, the beefy, bearded old barman in a voice that might be a shade lower than normal. 

Frank nods at him, which in Dan’s eyes is the equivalent of a hug from the surly man. All three of them have been coming here long enough now that Frank must know who they are, so it’s important to remain friendly and civil to him.

“Ordering for me, I see,” Phil says, appearing at Dan’s left elbow.

“Oh,” Dan says, having not even thought about it. “Sorry, I didn’t- do you like beer, or-”

Phil laughs at him, resting a hand on his shoulder. Dan wonders if he’d be so tactile if the gin and tonic from earlier wasn’t coursing through his veins.

“It’s fine,” Phil assures him. “I can do beer.”

“That’s the spirit, Phil,” Tyler says, pushing in between them to grab two of the Peronis Frank is putting on the bar. He takes a huge gulp from one, then burps softly into the crook of his elbow, grinning with pride. “You need to channel that masculine energy. Like Teddy and I.”

Dan laughs at this, rolling his eyes. “How will we ever keep up with you?”

“I’ll just take these to our table, you’re alright with getting this round, right Dan?”

Before Dan can respond, Tyler has disappeared, practically sprinting to the table Teddy has secured for them in the back. Dan glares after him, muttering about ungrateful moochers under his breath.

“Twenty quid, son,” Frank says, so Dan turns back, digging into his pocket.

Before he can even locate his wallet however, Phil is holding out a twenty pound note, and Frank is taking it from him without so much as a hesitation.

“Phil!” Dan exclaims. “You can’t- you didn’t have to-”

“Well I did,” Phil says, picking up one of the beers and sipping it, eyebrows raised. “What’re you gonna do about it?”

Dan chokes on the sip of Peroni in his mouth, and pretends not to see the smirk Phil gives him in response. “Phil, if you flirt with me tonight I will combust.”

“Noted,” Phil says with a wink, making Dan want to strangle him. “Drink your beer, Howell.”

As Phil turns to walk towards the table, Dan feels his soul clawing its way out of his body, desperate to run after him, to seal him in an embrace and never let go. Instead, he nods his thanks at frowny Frank, and follows Phil to join the others.

*

“So how did you all meet?” Phil asks with a smile.

Dan’s a quarter of the way through his beer already, and it’s been two minutes since he sat down. The good news is, Phil is beautiful, and in the low lighting of this lamplit pub, his pale skin has a golden shimmer.

The bad news is, all of this beauty is squashed against Dan in the tight booth that the others have chosen. Teddy and Tyler, opposite them, are happily snuggled up against each other. Dan is trying to burrow into the wall at his side so that he doesn’t get the world’s most innappropriate boner from being pressed against the man he shouldn’t even be thinking about, let alone crammed drunkenly into a small space with.

He takes another gulp of beer. “We met at uni.”

“Dan and I were roomies,” Tyler says, grinning. “Isn’t that right, hun?”

“Really?” Phil asks, sounding intrigued. “Like, you shared a room?”

“I know, it’s a chilling thought,” Dan deadpans. “Don’t ask me how I restrained from stringing myself up with his collection of ties.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “You loved it.”

Dan leans towards Phil, shaking his head. “He snores. Loudly.”

“I do not!”

“You do,” Teddy jumps in, causing Tyler’s mouth to drop. “Why do you think I bought you that nasal strip?”

“To stimulate my airflow- oh my God. The betrayal!”

Phil is laughing at them, his eyes light and happy. His smile is so big, so bright and sunny, that it seems like he has never been sad in his life. If anyone in this pub looked over, they’d never believe that Phil had ever sat on the floor of the staff bathroom yesterday and told Dan all the things he thought he should hear ‘because I know I won’t get to, now’.

Phil’s positivity is so large that it outweighs anything sad. And it’s painful to see. Because Dan is nothing but his sadness right now. It fills him from head to toe. He wishes he could sweep it to one side like Phil has, and just enjoy being here, but he can’t. Phil is a rare jewel that Dan discovered in a dingy classroom, shrouded in the dust of an ancient bureaucratic system that doesn’t understand him. Dan found him, uncovered him, brushed away the dust, and now, at his most sparkling, he’s been stolen away.

He doesn’t realise he’s staring until Phil says his name.

“Hm?” Dan answers, not really present, still.

“I said do you want to play?”

Dan blinks in bewilderment, dazzled by the bright blue of Phil’s eyes. “Play what?”

“Truth or dare,” Tyler answers, grinning mischievously.

Oh no, Dan thinks, straightening in fear.

“It’ll be fun!” Teddy sings, smiling at him. Definitely oh no.

At a loss, Dan turns back to Phil. The older man has an ignorant, naive expression on his face, resembling someone who has no fucking clue what he’s in for.

Phil shrugs at him; there’s a glimmer in his eye. “How bad could it be?”

*

“Truth.”

“Would you rather have Frank over there give you a twelve hour full body massage,” Tyler begins, and Teddy pales.

“With a happy ending,” Dan adds, laughing.

“Right! Or kiss him for… hmm, ten minutes.”

“With tongues,” Phil joins in, laughing as well. Teddy groans, placing his head into his hands.

Despite Dan’s initial reservations, the game is going well. It’s certainly helping to lift the tension Dan can feel wrapped like writhing snake around his and Phil’s shoulders. They’re having fun, and it’s honestly just what Dan needs right now. He hasn’t smiled properly since Tuesday.

“Ugh, I guess… kiss him,” Teddy says, and everyone makes noises of disgust.

“Poor Frank,” Tyler says, glancing over at where the man in polishing a glass behind the bar.

“Um, excuse me?” Teddy exclaims, jabbing Tyler in the chest. “Poor Frank?”

Tyler just laughs at him, turning to Phil. “Okay, you’re up, Frenchie.”

“You know, I’m from Rossendale,” Phil tells him, chuckling. “England. I just speak French.”

“Whatever,” Tyler says, batting his objections away. “It’s your turn, mon chéri.”

Shaking his head in amusement, Phil leans back in his seat, thinking. “Hmm. I think I’ll go with d-”

Dan’s hand flies out before he can stop it, clapping itself over Phil’s mouth. Phil’s eyes widen in alarm, head pushed back against the seat by the force.

“Don’t do it,” Dan urges, suddenly panicked. “They’re evil, Phil. Don’t underestimate them.”

Tyler scoffs, looking put out. “Dan, let the poor man make up his own mind.”

Dan removes his hand, still terrified. The problem is, Phil sees the good in everyone. He needs to realise that Tyler and Teddy only have a very limited supply of goodness in their entire bodies. And when they’re together, in situations like this, it almost entirely disappears.

Phil glances around the table, looking far more wary now than he was a moment before. He licks his lips, making Dan blush.

“Uh, truth then, I guess.”

“Ugh,” Tyler groans, banging his forehead on the table. “You see what you’ve done, Daniel? You’re a manipulative little weasel, using your seductive powers on a poor, unsuspecting young Frenchman-”

Dan tunes him out in order to lean close to Phil. “You made the right decision. He definitely had a dare in mind for you. Be careful.”

Phil nods seriously, but Dan can see the disbelieving little smirk he wears beneath it. He still doesn’t understand that he’s in danger here. Tyler is a fucking wild card, and as for Teddy once he’s had a few…

“Fine!” Tyler shouts, having finished his rant, apparently. “A fucking truth for Phil, then.”

“Where on his body is Dan most sensitive?” Teddy asks sweetly, tilting his head to one side.

Tyler turns to him, mouth agape. “Oh, I love you.”

The pub goes deathly silent, Dan is sure. A hush descends over the entire room, and all eyes swivel their way. Dan feels like he’s about to burst into flames, and as he stares down into the remains of his beer, he imagines it boiling under the heat of his laser-stare.

Phil laughs, sounding a bit thrown by the question. Perhaps that might be an understatement, but Dan genuinely can’t bring himself to look.

“Uh, how would I know that?” Phil asks, and Dan’s eyes flutter closed.

Teddy shrugs, smiling too wide. Dan had it all wrong. Tyler was never the one to fear. It was Teddy, all this time, the true demon, the ultimate nemesis, hidden behind Tyler’s boisterous attitude-

“No reason,” he chirps, taking a sip of his beer.

Tyler is kissing his hand in adoration; Dan wonders how much paperwork would be involved in trying to prematurely get out of their year-long lease of the house.

Dan takes a deep breath and sits up, forcing himself to look Phil in the eye. His expression is unreadable, but calm.

“So… you told them, then,” Phil guesses, one eyebrow cocked; somehow he’s still smiling, and it’s the only thing that’s holding Dan together.

Dan grimaces. “I didn’t mean to… it’s just that after you… on the boat-”

“Aha, so the boat was a thing!” Tyler interrupts, but Teddy shushes him.

“-after that,” Dan continues, his words jumbling together in his haste to get them out. “I was in the room alone and I was freaking out, so I don’t know why the fuck I thought it was a good idea, but I texted Ty. I just don’t have any other friends I could talk to about it and… yeah. So they know.”

Phil is nodding slowly, digesting the information as it spills, garbled, from Dan’s mouth.

“Say something, for the love of God,” Dan urges, feeling like he’s about to tumble over some glacial cliff-face.

“Neck,” Phil says, baffling everyone.

“Sorry?” Tyler asks.

“His neck,” Phil says again, he swallows some of his beer. “That’s where he’s most sensitive.”

Immediately, Dan seizes up, mortified, and buries his face in his elbow on the table. He groans, listening to the cackles of laughter coming from the other side of the table.

“I knew it!” Tyler exclaims, which is bullshit, Dan can’t help but think. “Steph would never tell me, but I just sensed it from how she smiled when I guessed his neck, do you remember Ted-”

“Who’s Stephanie?” Phil asks, calmly sipping some more beer.

Dan sits bolt upright, the humiliation slipping into terror once again. His heart simply cannot take this veering between extreme emotions, he’s sure. He tries to glare at Teddy and Tyler, to stop them from answering, but they are too plastered at this point to remember he’s even there.

“Oh, that’s Dan’s ex-girlfriend,” Teddy replies cheerily.

“Scary Stephanie,” Tyler laughs. “We call her that now because whenever we meet up with her all she does is glare at Dan and throw passive aggressive insults about him into conversation.”

“Like when she said he was always dropping not-so-subtle hints that he’s a furry-”

“Oh my GOD, please shut up!”

Tyler and Teddy turn to Dan, startled.

“Oh, it’s okay, sweetie. Phil understands!” Tyler says, giving him a bright smile.

Dan just rubs his eyes with his palms, trying to summon Satan himself to come and smite these two fuckwits before anything else comes out of their stupid mouths.

“I need another drink,” Dan groans, getting to his feet. He doesn’t dare look at Phil, because he knows he would instantly splinter into pieces, no matter what expression he found on Phil’s face. Instead, he stares resolutely at the table. “Can I get past you, please?”

As if it hadn’t even occurred to him until that point, Phil leaps up at once, sidestepping out of the booth so that Dan can get out. Dan mutters a vague ‘thanks’ and strides straight to the bar, not even bothering to ask if anyone else wants anything.

He beelines for Frank - sweet, predictably silent Frank - cursing himself for ever allowing this night to happen, and trying very, very hard not to imagine what further intimate details about his life Teddy and Tyler could be discussing with Phil right now.

*

Just as Dan feels the first, glorious sip of sharp, crisp Peroni on his tongue, a hand is slapping down a ten pound note onto the bar beside him.

“I’ll have what he’s having,” Phil tells Frank with a smile so big, so charming, that Frank actually looks a little dazed.

“Oh, God, please allow me a moment to recover,” Dan groans, still not meeting his eye. “And I am absolutely paying for these, so-”

“Dan, your flatmates just outed you as a furry to a guy you’ve made out with once,” Phil reminds him. “I’ll get your drink.”

Dan turns to him, his defences flaring. “No, wait, okay, I’m not a furry, it was just a joke- Stephanie had no sense of humour, it was one of the reasons I broke up with her-”

Phil kisses him on the cheek.

It’s an effective method of stopping the rambling, Dan will give him that. His elbow also slips off the bar in his surprise, and he nearly topples to the dirty  floor. Phil catches him by the elbow just in time.

The whole few seconds are like a scene from a silent film.

“Uh,” Dan says, sure that Phil’s lips are probably scalded from the furnace of his cheeks. “I don’t… did you mean to…”

“Here you are, son.”

Phil turns to take the frothing pint from Frank, and presses the ten pound note into his outstretched hand. Dan is too dazed to argue, at this point.

“Merci,” Phil says, and the corner of Frank’s mouth quirks up.

It only makes the whole situation ten times more surreal.

“I shouldn’t have done that, I know,” Phil says quietly to Dan, one finger scooping up some beer-froth and depositing it into his mouth. Dan’s eyes helplessly follow the action. “I don’t appear to have a whole lot of self-restraint this evening.”

Dan’s eyes fall closed. “Great,” he says through gritted teeth. “Because we both know what a master of composure and dignity I am.”

Phil chuckles. “Are you really a furry?”

“No!” Dan exclaims, spilling some of his beer in frustration. “I told you-”

“I’m kidding,” Phil laughs, placing a hand on Dan’s arm. It could be made of razorblades, it’s so painful to feel. “Your flatmates are fun, but they seem to be kind of, um, what’s the word…?”

“Inconsiderate?”

“I was gonna go with dickheads, but sure,” Phil jokes, eyes sparkling.

Dan wonders if the reason Frank smiled in what is the first instance Dan has seen in all the time he’s been coming here, is because it’s hopeless to look at Phil and do anything but. He’s an ocean of warm, clear water, rippling and sparkling on a summer day. Dan wants to dive in, to submerge himself and never come out. More than that. He wants to drown.

“Is that what you are, then?” Dan finds himself saying.

Phil frowns in confusion. “Hm?”

“‘A guy I made out with once,” Dan reminds him. “A minute ago you said…”

“Oh,” Phil says, his smile fading a little. He shrugs. “I guess, yeah. But I hope I’m more than that, too.”

“Like what?” Dan says, his eyes stinging.

“Well, I hope I’m your friend, Dan.”

The fist that’s been clamped around Dan’s heart all night squeezes tight, too tight, and he feels it deflate like a burst balloon, until its shrivelled, a husk of itself.

“Oh,” Dan whispers, staring into his drink. “Yeah, of course you are.”

*

When they get back to the table, Tyler and Teddy are, rather noisily, making out.

Dan and Phil sit opposite them, eyes wide in a kind of fascinated horror, as they watch them paw at one another.

“It’s kind of grotesque… but I can’t look away,” Phil says softly. He immediately takes an enormous gulp of beer.

“They do this every time,” Dan sighs. “Imagine being here alone with them.”

“That sounds even worse.”

“Welcome to most of my Saturday nights.”

Phil turns to face him. “Maybe next time you should hang out with me instead.”

Dan snorts. “Right. Because we’re doing the mates thing now.”

“Yeah,” Phil says, a tiny smile on his face. “Mates-dates.”

Dan’s poor, shrivelled heart gives a tiny pang. “It was a real date once. How did that happen.”

“Dan,” Phil says, sad.

“Yeah,” Dan sighs, staring bitterly at Tyler and Teddy. “I know.”

How come it all came so easily to them? Dan lived with Tyler for their first year of university. Then one day, Teddy sat behind Dan in the lecture hall and noticed him streaming Peep Show on his laptop instead of taking notes. He leaned forwards and asked Dan to turn the subtitles on, and they became immediate friends. Dan brought him back to the flat one day, he met Ty, and that was it.

They dated for a while, had a lot of loud sex in the bedroom next to Dan’s, then in third year, Teddy moved in. And when Tyler and Dan decided to change up the flat for a bigger place somewhere further away from the town, Teddy was just included in the move.

It was all so simple with them.

Dan turns to Phil, a bit surprised at how close they’ve positioned themselves. Dan tells himself to move away, because it’s not helping things, but his body isn’t listening. Phil is like a magnet for him, alluring and irresistible.

One of Phil’s hands reaches up and brushes a strand of hair from Dan’s forehead. “What’re you thinking about?”

Dan could cry. He really could.

Phil’s eyes are so many shades of blue.

“Oh, just how the world hates me and wants me to suffer,” Dan replies in a vague attempt to keep things light.

Phil looks like he’s been struck with a hammer. The finger he used to sweep away the strand of hair traces around the curve of Dan’s cheek, gliding across his jaw.

“Fuck it,” Phil whispers.

Dan’s eyes widen at the unusual sound of Phil swearing, and then he’s being kissed. 

Not just kissed, but really kissed. 

He feels his head being cradled in two big, sturdy hands. Phil’s lips are sealed to his, soft but unyielding, trapping the breath in his lungs. Phil’s fingers plunge into his hair, raking over the base of Dan’s skull, making him shudder.

Dan leans into him, wanting closer, more, softer, rawer - everything he can get. Phil is a rain storm, splashing over the parched earth of Dan’s hopeless desire, conjuring life back into his roots, coaxing the withered leaves from their furls.

Dan is only aware of his own surroundings again when he hears a voice splitting through the heavenly vacuum that is Phil kissing him into dizzied, star-grazed pieces.

“Woaah, what’s goin’ on here then, fellas?” Tyler asks, apparently having surfaced from Teddy’s esophagus long enough to notice what was happening.

Phil draws back, sighing, and Dan’s entire soul is ripped out of his body, attached to Phil as he leans away.  “Problem, Tyler?”

“Nope,” Ty replies, staring at Dan, eyes wide and questioning. “Do continue.”

Without thinking about it, Dan grabs hold of Phil by the collar of his jumper and pulls him in, kissing him soundly, holding him in place. Phil makes a noise of surprise against his lips, laughing a little, but he allows it to happen nevertheless.

If Tyler and Teddy whistle and cheer in the background, Dan pretends not to hear them.

*

It usually takes the three of them far longer to wind their way back home from the pub than it does to walk down there, because, for lack of a better explanation, by the time they leave The Cat & Bear, they’re all usually plastered.

This time however, it takes even longer.

This is mostly because Dan cannot, for the life of him, stop kissing Phil. As he pauses to push their lips together for the third time in what must be five steps, he starts to wonder if he might have some kind of addiction. He’s never heard of anyone getting addicted to anything in less than half an hour, but that’s the only explanation he can think of.

“Dan, for God’s sake, Phil’s mouth will be there when we get home,” Teddy yells as he notices how far behind they are. “You’ve got the fucking house keys, now hurry up.”

“Don’t listen to him, he’s grumpy because he thinks he’s gonna get laid when we get in, and you guys are preventing that,” Tyler calls to them, laughing.

Upon hearing this, Teddy promptly hoists Tyler up onto his shoulder, fireman style, making him shriek. Dan laughs as he watches Teddy begin running with him down the dark, deserted street, Tyler cursing and threatening him all the while.

“I’m surprised he can lift him,” Phil comments.

“Teddy’s one of those weirdly strong people,” Dan says, the two of them falling into step together, their linked hands swinging between them. “Looks like a twig, lifts like a Womping Willow.”

Phil chuckles. “Is that what you’re like, too?”

“Fuck no, I can’t lift a marshmallow.”

Before Dan can even fathom what’s happening, his arms are being pulled over Phil’s neck from behind, and his feet are no longer touching the floor. In seconds he’s hoisted onto Phil’s back, his thighs either side of Phil’s waist, clutched in his big, strong hands.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” Dan babbles, terrified. He clings on for dear life, much to Phil’s amusement, and then they’re moving, faster than Dan would have thought possible, tearing down the road at a mad speed. “Oh my God, Phil, what the fuck are you-”

They catch up to Tyler and Teddy, who both scream with laughter when they see what’s happening. Somehow, there’s a half-incomprehensible conversation, and then they’re racing each other down the road, Tyler on Teddy’s back, Dan on Phil’s.

Dan is screaming for his life, so it seems, and somehow they’re winning. When they cross the finish line (a streetlight), Phil somehow swivels Dan round his body, allowing him to slip off, and kisses him, in the middle of the road, to the tune of Tyler’s screams of ‘cheaters!’.

*

Tyler insists on the final drink when they get home. Dan tries to protest, because honestly the walls are already breathing, but Tyler cannot be reasoned with, particularly when drunk.

They sit in the lounge, Dan on the end of the sofa where Phil’s feet will be when he lays down here tonight. He feels like he’s floating, like the air itself is made of helium, and he’s about to drift off into the centre of the room, buffeted about like a feather in a breeze. Then, he looks down at his hand, interlocked with Phil’s so tightly that he wonders whether the lack of blood flow might affect him. Phil is anchoring him to the spot, keeping him safe, present, whole.

Phil smiles at him, sparks of colour flying from his beautiful face. There are no words in Dan’s mind anymore, when he looks at Phil. Only shapes, vibrations, and thick, glutinous adoration, coating every muscle, every vein, every molecule of his body.

“Ugh, get a room,” Teddy says, making Tyler giggle.

Phil blushes, tearing his eyes from Dan’s. “Actually guys, I think you’ll find you’re in my room.”

“You’d better fucking not have sex on this couch, Dan,” Tyler warns.

“Oh my God, Ty,” Dan groans; he’d actually thought the humiliation was over for the night. Oh, what a fun treat it is to find out that that’s not true.

“Who wants to watch some bad movies and drunkenly bitch about the actors?” Teddy asks brightly.

Tyler groans, his eyes rolling back. “Nobody does, darling.”

“But-”

“I think it’s time for bed, don’t you?”

The protest dies on Teddy’s lips, and he visibly perks up, nodding. “Good idea.”

Teddy downs the last of his G & T in one gulp, and rises from the armchair, holding out a hand for Ty.

“Night, guys!” Teddy calls as Tyler stands to join him, rolling his eyes at Dan and Phil.

“He’s so easy,” Tyler tells them. “Night boys. Hope the sofa isn’t too uncomfortable, Phil.”

There’s an obvious laugh concealed in his voice, and Teddy hears it at once, snorting.

“Yeah, hope you have an okay night out here all on your own, Phil!” Teddy calls over his shoulder, sending Tyler into fits of giggles. “Dan, Tyler and I will all see you in the morning!”

“Fuck off, will you,” Dan shouts vaguely as he hears footsteps climbing the stairs, and then, mercifully, they are gone.

In their absence, a silence settles, like the dust after a tornado.

“So,” Dan says after a moment, just for something to break the quiet. Phil’s thumb is stroking over the top of his knuckles - very distracting. “D’you… do you wanna watch a film or something? We could watch Buffy, I think it’s on Netflix…”

Phil uses their connected hands to drag Dan across the space between them, until they’re pressed against one another, faces close. Dan’s heart is about to give out, he’s sure. Phil’s kiss re-inflated it, but it’s still damaged, and unsure.

Dan has no idea what is happening. This whole night has been the wildest rollercoaster, throwing him curveballs left and right. He doesn’t think he’s had one consecutive emotion for more than three minutes at one time, all evening.

Why would Phil kiss him, now, after everything he’s said, after breaking Dan into bits as he listed all the reasons he couldn’t? Dan feels like he’s been hurled out into space, totally lost, spinning and tumbling through a void, surviving on the snippets of oxygen Phil is handing him in the form of kisses.

“Dan, stop thinking,” Phil tells him in a whisper. “I did it, I kissed you. It’s too late to take it back. I broke the rules, and it’s already happened. Let’s not think about it anymore.”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Dan admits, saddened by his own words.

Phil frowns, but nods in understanding. “Can we stop thinking about it… just for tonight, then?”

Dan hesitates, caught up again in the impossible depths of Phil’s swirling blue eyes. Their lips are so close already, but Phil tilts forwards just a little, brushing them together. And in that one, fleeting touch, a tsunami surges up inside of Dan, ferocious in its want for the man in front of him, suffocating and everywhere.

“Okay,” Dan finds himself saying.

He expects Phil to kiss him, then, but instead he just smiles. It’s a smile of relief, Dan thinks, of letting go of whatever troubles that might have been plaguing that bizarre, beautiful mind.

In the wake of the expected kiss, Dan shifts, feeling all of a sudden unsure. 

What exactly is going to happen now?

“So, did you want me to put Buffy on?”

An amused smile forms on Phil’s lips. “No,” he says softly. “She’d only get jealous.”

“Of what?”

This time, Phil does kiss him. He hauls Dan onto his lap, and kisses him senseless, his hands bracing Dan’s waist, fingertips skimming the skin below the hem of Dan’s shirt.

Dan falls into it, tasting nirvana in the sweep of Phil’s tongue across his lip, and feeling, in his pounding heart, the formation of a new star. Phil uses his teeth, capturing Dan’s lip, scraping along his jaw. He moves to Dan’s neck, lighting every single one of Dan’s nerves on fire; Dan winds his fingers into Phil’s hair, tightly - maybe too tightly - but Phil doesn’t seem to care.

At the very instant Dan can’t take a second more, he draws back, sensing another hickey is already blooming, but hardly giving it a second thought. He brings his forehead to Phil’s, breathing hard, and says, “you don’t have to sleep here, you know.”

Phil smiles, mischievous. “I don’t?”

“Not if you… don’t want to.”

“But, Dan,” Phil says, his voice innocent, his hands sliding up Dan’s thighs. “Where else would I sleep?”

“Maybe…. you won’t be sleeping,” Dan replies, internally cringing at his attempts at flirtation.

How does Phil make this look so easy?

Phil’s hands are on his hips now, gradually moving still; Dan’s trying to breathe through it, but he can feel how the touch is affecting him, systematically unthreading each stitch that’s holding him together.

“Why would I not be sleeping, exactly?”

That’s it, Dan decides. He cannot take one fucking millisecond more of this. Phil is right, they can shove everything else to the side, because Dan has spent what feels like eons waiting for this opportunity. So, he slides off Phil’s lap, stands up, and holds out his hand.

“Allow me to demonstrate,” Dan says.

(Part Thirteen!)