#hate when i hate to bring this meme out but tis true

[phoenix-before-the-flame]

[svnflowervol666]

could u probably write one where h is dating a girl that’s a lil curvy? (You can look up someone like julia kelly and katya elise henry on ig/tumblr if u wanna know) and she gets a lot of comparisons from a few of his friends and fans, it kinda brings her down a bit bc idk man I’m a bit curvy too but i get so insecure sometimes knowing that people could be so judgmental but i know harry would love his girl no matter what 🥺❤️

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: smut-ish (at the end)

Something was off with Y/N. Harry had known this for the past few days. It wasn’t that she’d been acting completely different, just so much so that being the caring and attentive person that he is, Harry had picked up on it.

At first, it was turning down second helpings at dinner. He didn’t think much of it aside from giving her the side-eye, because it was her favorite meal that Harry only cooked for her on special occasions. Next, it was her offering to pleasure him in the morning with her mouth instead of letting him take care of them both. Again, it was odd for her to turn down early morning sex, but he’d assumed she was just tired. Then came the nights when Y/N refused to sleep naked. Harry and Y/N always slept without clothes on, Harry claiming that it was just one more layer keeping them apart, which he hated. Again, he thought it was weird, but the weather had been particularly nipply lately so he’d chalked it up to her simply getting chilly throughout the night and needing the extra warmth.

The last and final straw, the whistle-blower that tied all of her off-kilter behaviors together, came to Harry when Y/N was in the shower. She was rinsing off after dinner, which she had only picked at anxiously with her fork without actually eating much of, and Harry was cleaning up the kitchen and living room to prepare for the movie night they had planned. When Harry went to move Y/N’s open laptop from the coffee table, he accidentally woke up the screen, and what he saw puzzled him to no end. It was an article pulled up on her browser, one from a tabloid company titled, “Reasons Why Y/N is Harry Styles’ Best Girlfriend.” The article was filled with photos of not only him and Y/N but of him and his past girlfriends as well. The point was to prove how much happier Harry looked with Y/N as opposed to his exes, but Harry was peeved regardless. Sure, some of these women had done him wrong in the past and left him feeling absolutely gutted, but he hated seeing them being put up against each other in this fashion.

Only adding to his frustration, the next tab over from the article was twitter account that Y/N and Harry had made one drunken night in order to spy on his fans and have a good laugh at how funny some of his followers were. They logged on and scrolled through the tweets together occasionally, but the tweets pulled up on the screen were all about Y/N’s body rather than jokes about how badly they wanted Harry to run them over with his car or memes made out of the horrid candids people had taken of him on stage. They claimed that Y/N was better than Camille because she “actually has an ass,” and that Taylor could never pull off a dress like the one Y/N wore on New Year's Eve because she didn’t have the right curves like Y/N did. Again, not necessarily negative comments, but this coupled with the other article Y/N had been looking at was enough for Harry to comprehend what was happening here.

It didn’t take much for Harry to put it all together, and it broke his heart when he did. She was comparing herself to the other girls Harry had been with. He wasn’t stupid. He knew what people said about Y/N and he knew very well that she looked much different than the other girls he typically went for. People certainly picked up on Harry’s “type,” seeing as he was always a hot topic for the press. Therefore when Y/N came along, everyone had tons to say on the matter. He avoided the comments as much as he could, but it was clear that Y/N was unable to say the same.

In the midst of planning how Harry would approach her on the subject, Y/N emerged from the top of the stairs and made her way over to the couch, dressed in an oversized shirt of Harry’s and a pair of her favorite underwear. Harry quickly closed her laptop and moved it into the kitchen as if he hadn’t just been snooping through her browser history.

“Alright,” she huffed as she plopped down onto the plush cushions of the sofa, wet hair sticking to the nape of her neck, “What’re we watching tonight?”

“Dunno,” Harry pondered, “Should we just search romantic comedies on Netflix and see what we find?”

“You know me too well, bubby,” she sighed contently.

A smile tugged at the corners of Harry’s mouth at the nickname she’d used. She appeared to be in a good mood, so he decided not to push his luck and try talking to her another day.

“Ye’ want some popcorn? Bought a new box at the store yesterday.”

“Uhh, no. I think I’m good. Still pretty full from dinner.”

You hardly touched your dinner, Harry thought to himself. He nodded (extremely hesitantly) at his girlfriend before situating his own self on the sofa next to her.

They settled on some independent film they knew they’d both hate, but that was the fun of it. Cracking jokes about how bad the acting was or about how inconsistent the main character’s accent was was almost more fun to Harry than watching a film that was actually good, which was why they ended up watching shitty, low budget ones on their designated, weekly movie nights.

Nearly halfway through the film, Harry absentmindedly slid his arm that was draped around her waist down to reach for Y/N’s thigh to place over his lap. He loved cuddling her this way, which their bodies morphed together and their legs intertwined under the coziest blanket in his house. Y/N loved it too, so Harry was shocked, but up until recently, not surprised, when she quickly pulled her leg away from Harry’s grip and off of his lap.

“Wha’s wrong? Ye’ don’t want to cuddle wi’ me?”

“What do you mean? I am cuddling with you?”

Harry huffed dramatically and rolled his eyes at his girlfriend’s feigned ignorance.

“Ye’ know exactly what I mean, baby. And it’s not just that. You’ve been acting weird lately. I know ye’ think I haven’t noticed, but I have. Ye’ don’t eat as much at dinner anymore, ye’ sleep with a t-shirt on. Ye’ don’t even want me touchin’ ye’ right now. Plus, I saw what was pulled up on your laptop while ye’ were in the shower. I’m not dumb, Y/N. Just wish you’d talk t’ me about it’s all.”

Y/N felt the embarrassment creep up her chest and spread to her neck. Her cheeks burned hot as she stared directly into his emerald green eyes that were begging, pleading for her to open up to him and tell him why she’d been so clearly obsessed with her appearance as of late. She’d had no idea that she’d even made a pattern out of her behaviors must less that Harry had picked up on them. 

“I-...Harry....I don’t want to talk about this right now,” her voice barely came over a whisper.

“Well, I do. What is it? Ye’ think your too big f’ me or somethin’?”

Y/N sighed frustratingly in Harry’s direction. 

“It’s not that. Not entirely anyway. It’s hard to explain. You’ll think it’s stupid.”

She tried not to look at Harry, but his burning gaze made it impossible to tear her eyes away.

“Baby, nothing ye’ say or feel is stupid. Talk t’ me.”

He placed his ringed hand on her kneecap. She was hesitant to not pull away from his touch, but she tried her best to relax against his grip.

“It’s just that...I don’t....look like the other girls you’ve been with,” Y/N chewed her bottom lip anxiously as soon as the words left her mouth.

Harry still didn’t see her point.

“So?” he questioned, “There’s a reason why I’m not with ‘em anymore.”

“I’m just...I see all of these comments about what people say about me...about us and it makes me feel weird.”

“Weird? Like wha’?”

“Weird like I don't really see why you’re even with me, H. I am the polar opposite of all of your exes.”

Harry had half a mind to be angry with Y/N for more or less accusing him of not loving her when that couldn’t have been further from the truth, but he was able to see things from her side and keep his urges to himself. He knew exactly what it was like to be under constant scrutiny from the press, but she didn’t. She didn’t ask for this, she didn’t deserve this, and she certainly shouldn’t be feeling the way she’s feeling right now. 

“Baby,” Harry cooed her, “Wha’ever it is that ye’ read or wha’ever ye’ thinkin’, ‘ts not true. I swear on me mum that you’re the girl I want t’ spend forever with. Ye’ don’t have to change anything about ye’self to get me t’ love ye’ any more than I already do.”

“But-”

“But nothing,” Harry interrupted, “Promise me ye’ won’t read that rubbish anymore. And promise you’ll stop hidin’ ye’self from me, too.”

Y/N nodded slowly, feeling the tension built up in her shoulders slowly dissipating into thin air. Harry was her favorite person in the world, and hearing that from him meant everything. Of course, she’d still have her moments when she’d feel like she wasn’t good enough, but everyone had those. 

“Good,” Harry leaned over to press a chaste kiss over her forehead, “Now give me a proper cuddle.”

He leaned over to grab her by the waist and hoisted her up completely on top of him.

“Harry, no!” Y/N sheepishly exclaimed through embarrassed giggles.

“Y/N, yes!” Harry taunted her as he made them both comfortable on the sofa once more. 

He pulled the blanket up over their shoulders and wrapped his arms securely around her back so that he could pet her spine whilst they finished the movie. She nestled into Harry’s shoulder and breathed in his scent that lingered on his fitted, white t-shirt. Twenty minutes ago, she’d have felt like she was crushing Harry under her weight, but not now. She felt at peace knowing Harry loved her for who she was.

As movie nights typically go with Harry, he started to get quite handsy towards the end of the film. He was starting to shift about the sofa and his palms were navigating towards the supple skin of Y/N’s bum. At first, it was a comforting hand slipping in between the hemline of her panties and just resting there against her bare skin, but soon turned into Harry kneading teasing, firm motions on her ass. His lips had found their way to the sensitive patch of her neck, sucking and tugging the area lazily, but still intense enough to mark her up. 

“Angel,” Harry beckoned when he was able to pull his lips away from her momentarily.

Y/N hummed in response, too intoxicated from the tingling sensation caused by Harry’s tongue mouthing at her throat.

“Sit up f’ me,” Harry demanded, his voice dripping with lust and desire. 

She did as she was told, sitting up so she was still straddling Harry’s chest as she looked down at him. Harry kept a close grip on Y/N’s thighs as he slid further down the couch and his face was now inches away from her core.

“Harry, what’re you-”

“Shh,” Harry’s eyes were blown out and glassy as he switched from looking into her eyes and the damp patch that was slowly but surely forming at the front of her cotton panties. 

“Just let me love on ye’ for a bit. Come closer t’ me.” 

He tried tugging her thighs so that she’d sit down a bit more against him, but she tensed up.

“But I don’t want to-”

“Ye’ not gonna crush me or wha’ever it is that ye’ worried about.”

“I might,” she mumbled to herself.

Her self-depreciation caused Harry to nip the inside of her bare thigh with his teeth, which made her jerk in response.

“Hey!” she scolded.

Harry took advantage of her moment of disorientation and kissed her heat over the front of her panties so that he could taste the juices that had accumulated there. Her chuckles quickly died down into moans when she felt the beginnings of his stubble graze the part of her body where she’d always needed Harry the most. 

“Ye’ gonna listen t’ me now, pet?” Harry asked as he replaced his lips with his thumb, where he began rubbing tantalizingly slow circles against her clothed clit.

“Mhmmm,” Y/N mewled.

“Though so,” Harry finished off with his infamous cheeky smirk.

She settled down properly onto Harry’s face, hovering just over his plump, shining lips until he was ready to taste her again. When he pulled her panties to the side and latched onto her dripping, wet core, she sank even further down against Harry’s tongue, eager to feel him in every possible nook and cranny that he could reach. He drank from her like he’d never wanted anything else in his all of his days.

Y/N had no doubt in her mind that at this moment, Harry was being honest when he said that she was the only person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

[4haechie]

son of apollo!donghyuck

pairing: son of apollo!donghyuck x child of athena!reader genre: fluff, comedy, some adventure/action, pjo au, e2l au words: 3,173 warning: couple of curse words here n there a/n: i reference a bunch of pjo characters in this so if u haven’t read pjo *crowd booing*

so donghyuck’s the son of apollo right

there’s like no arguing when it comes to that

he’s extremely talented at singing and making music, dancing, rapping, songwriting, so he’s no doubt apollo’s offspring

and he’s naturally gifted at archery as well

you can’t spell haechan without ACE teehee

u on the other hand

you’re athena’s child

you love to read and write you’re incredibly smart ofc

you love competing and winning and taking part in strategy making to bring your opponents DOWN 💅🏼

athena’s the goddess of wisdom as well as warcraft so needless to say you’re exceptional in both fields

you’re not just textbook smart, no no, you’re able to apply all the knowledge you learn…well…irl

not to mention you’re good with all kinds of weapons

ur fave weapons include swords and spears :D

you’re okay w knives too!!! and daggers!!! you’re not picky

but you’re better w longer blades just cuz u have more experience w them

fun fact: you’re the head of the athena cabin and donghyuck’s the head of the apollo cabin

you’re both great leaders, always doing your best to make the best strategies to win capture the flag, the chariot races, and other fun activities chiron plans for the campers 😁

but . you guys are Sworn Enemies

actually the better term to use would be “rivals”

you guys r So competitive to the point where you actually developed a rivalry during your first few years at camp half-blood

donghyuck LOVES to win but so do you… so obv he’s gonna go out of his way to make sure he/his cabin wins

that doesn’t mean you’ve ever backed down from his challenges…

if he’s competitive you’re twice as competitive

one day after breakfast during your fifth year at camp when you’re both about 18, chiron decides to host a good old game of capture the flag

u know . for old times’ sake 😼

once he makes the announcement you immediately turn to your cabin mates

“we have to win no matter what”

“y/n, it’s just capture the flag. we’re not fighting gaea”

“bitch are u in or not”

the entire dining hall is buzzing with excitement

nothing makes a demigod’s day like a capture the flag announcement 😌

chiron suddenly grabs the megaphone again and calls out “this time however there’s a little twist,” he chuckles as everybody goes silent

you raise an eyebrow

“you’ll be in teams of course. everybody has to play. there’s twenty cabins, so there will be ten teams of two cabins each. i’ll pair you guys up myself. each pair gets a flag–so there’s ten flags in total. the game will be won by the pair who manages to collect all flags and brings them back to their base before anyone has the chance to steal their own flag.”

the demigods burst into intense chatter and discussion once more

you turn your head back to your siblings and tilt your head in slight confusion

you’ve never played capture the flag in teams before

“anyone but apollo. i’m literally begging. sam, pray to athena right now”

“y/n RELAX”

“i think if we’re partners with apollo’s cabin i’ll actually jump into tartarus”

“…”

“what? percy and annabeth survived” 🙄

chiron pulls out a scroll and calls out the pairings one by one

poseidon and demeter, hades and ares (good luck to them), so on and so forth

your heart keeps racing . athena’s name has not been called out yet

and just like that your worst fear comes true

“athena cabin with apollo cabin. the game will commence in thirty minutes, which is how much time you have to prepare. good luck and stay safe!”

you drop your head into your palm (aka head in hands meme jpg)

“this is the worst day of my entire life”

“y/n, you’re hands down the most dramatic person i’ve ever met”

maybe it’s just you–bc your siblings seem fine with the apollo kids

they have so many apollo cabin friends :(

curse u and donghyuck’s little rivalry that the entire camp and chiron knows about

so him putting yall together definitely was not a coincidence cough cough

can u blame him

🌤🌈 he just wants all of u to get along 🌈🌤

he’s seen w his own two centaur eyes what happens when demigods fight between themselves

it’s not healthy

he needs u guys to get along bc u and donghyuck are some of the best demigods at camp rn

ur quick wits and amazing sword skills

his position as the camp’s best archer

imagine how powerful yall would be if u two worked together

if only you got along from the start.. but nooooo

ur egos r just too high F

but anyway, back to the present

you’re sitting there, head in your hands, dreading this already when some of the apollo kids swagger over to your guys’ table

donghyuck is in front of them as he scoffs after seeing your dreadful state

“why the sad face, y/n?”

you lift your head up to see him hovering over your seat and roll your eyes

you get up and your siblings follow

you’re just gonna have to make do. you don’t have time to complain

the thing is

you’ve only lost capture the flag once 👎🏼

a few summers ago the apollo cabin defeated the entire camp leaving everybody speechless

it’s true they didn’t defeat JUST you but somehow you thought it was personal

you had the PERFECT record 😕

zero losses . only wins

but bc of the apollo kids your cabin’s record was tarnished

which is sorta why you started hating them (esp donghyuck their leader) so much

donghyuck caught on immediately and made it a point to compete just as hard as u

so yea. that’s how you became rivals

he knows how much ur gonna hate working with him but u don’t really have a choice now do u :/

so he knows exactly why u have a sad face

but this is donghyuck we’re talking about

just bc yall r “rivals” doesn’t mean he’s not gonna tease u 😂😂😂

(or maybe he teases u bc he thinks ur cute and he hopes one day u realise him teasing is actually donghyuck for flirting 🤭)

“you know damn well why, lee donghyuck”

“oh c’mon i think it’ll be fun! if we combine our skills, we definitely have a hundred percent chance of winning”

you cross your arms and glance at your siblings who just shrug in agreement

you sigh loudly

“don’t even think about fucking this is up, donghyuck. and just so we’re clear, i’m in charge”

he laughs, “yup! got it”

so you start talking strategy

you only have 30 minutes so you need to make the best of it

you divide the two cabins into pairs so that an athena and an apollo kid will be paired together and in charge of smth diff

you have plenty of people on your team – 5 in athena’s cabin and 5 in apollo’s cabin

some will handle weapons and safety gear, some will handle mapping out the playing area which was basically the entirety of the woods, some will be setting up traps near your team’s flag to prevent others from coming close

30 minutes quickly pass and after dividing the work and planning your strategy with donghyuck and friends you turn your attention back to chiron who has his megaphone in hand

everyone’s told to gather outside the dining hall at the open field before the game commences

you, donghyuck, and your teammates briefly talk strategy once more . just to make sure everybody knows what they’re supposed to do

“let the game begin!” chiron blows a loud whistle and the demigods scramble out of the field, going to their designated flag locations

your spot is near a little creek, but the forest around your flag is quite dense so u figure it’s relatively hard to locate

it’s not that late so the afternoon sun makes your skin glisten with sweat

“damn, can you tell your dad to chill tf out for a while,” you tell donghyuck jokingly

he just rolls his eyes but on the inside he’s kinda glad you’re being casual with him rather than 😡😡😡😡😡 like u normally are

u don’t know what it is about him today but u swear he’s acting different around u

he wasn’t… as annoying while discussing strategy ????

he actually ?????? listened ?????? to what u had to say 🤔🤔🤔🤔

he didn’t argue, he didn’t even throw around witty burns like he usually does w/o hesitation

u were like… is he ok

little do u know!!! he actually l*kes u 🤭🤭🤭

well… it’s not a 100% fact that HE himself knows as well

but his siblings caught on to his weird behaviour n figured smth was up

mark being one of hyuck’s closest friends n siblings in the apollo cabin, realised he was acting weird ever since yall got grouped together

he seemed nervous ⁉️ which he never ever is

he’s like the most confident person mark’s ever known

so mark was like *thinks*

after putting two and two together mark came to the conclusion that he might have a small crush on u

bc hyuck kept glancing over at u, kept talking abt how ur a good leader (he’s never gonna tell YOU that tho. he crossed his heart on that one)

mark was like i didn’t even ask but ok

mark was confused at first tho cuz everybody and their mom knows about your guys’ rivalry so why tf would hyuck have a crush on someone he considers his rival

mark decides not to get ahead of himself bc hey!!! maybe he doesn’t have a crush, maybe he just thinks ur a good leader

like that’s it u know?

LMAO 🤫

so anywayz where was i

ah right

the flag

OK SO ur team’s flag is yellow ! :D

it’s like the colour of sunflowers

you and donghyuck r in charge of guarding the flag while ur team members scout around for the other flags

easy peasy

you and donghyuck are at your base now, weapons drawn just in case

the flag is hung on a poll couple feet taller than you

you’re dressed in ur usual training clothes – a pair of washed out shorts, a very old orange camp half-blood shirt; your sword’s sheath hanging from one of the belt loops of your shorts

donghyuck’s dressed similarly – a pair of blue ripped jeans, the same orange camp shirt tucked into them, but he has a purple flannel on, which he takes off and ties around his waist

“it’s so freaking hot,” he says, mentally agreeing with the comment u made about apollo earlier

“tell me about it”

there’s a silence that follows, the only sound heard is the subtle flow of the creek water

you’re thankful for the silence

it’s easier to keep an ear open for opponents on their way to steal your flag

just as you think about it, an ares and a hades kid approach your base

they’re on the other side of the creek, less than ten to fifteen feet away

“hi y/n,” the hades kid you’re kind of close to says

you shoot him a fake smile before holding your sword in front of you

donghyuck pulls out an arrow from his quiver and nocks it in his bow, aiming for the two demigods in front of you

the creek isn’t that deep, so the two demigods cross it with ease

they have their weapons drawn; they’re now a couple of feet away from you and more importantly the flag

no words are said as donghyuck lets his arrow fly and knock the hades’ kid sword out of his hands

he didn’t use an arrow with a sharp tip, you note

the hades’ kid stumbles backwards, imbalanced after he gets unarmed

you stand your ground as the ares’ kid scrambles forward, attacking you with her sword

your blades clash defiantly

you continue to spar with all your might

from the corner of your eye you see that the hades’ kid, sword back in hand, is battling donghyuck on your left

the flag is right behind you and donghyuck; you can’t let the two demigods get near it

you and the ares kid are still battling each other, putting all your strength into making sure she surrenders

but u should know better

ares and athena kids have many similarities like their love for winning, their confidence in battle, etc.

it’s like looking in a mirror

you don’t have anything against this particular ares kid, though

“c’mon, y/n, give up already”

that REALLY makes your blood boil

you never give up, no matter what

with one final blow of your sword, you knock her sword out of her hands, making her think she distracted you with her words

she goes flying back, half her body landing in the creek water

her sword lies in between you and her, but you doubt she’ll have the courage to fight again

the hades kid sees this and quickly scrambles away from hyuck, picking up the ares kid’s sword and giving her a hand up

“this is why i hate you and your siblings–your huge ego always gets in the way,” you hear the hades kid grumble to his partner as they run away from you, shame written all over their defeat

hyuck laughs and wipes sweat from his forehead

you can’t help but laugh either

you love it here at 🧡 camp half-blood 🧡

a few moments pass as your teammates emerge from the dense woods, each pair with a different colour flag held between them

you smile in victory

you quickly bring down your flag from its pole and give it to hyuck

“me? it was your plan…”

“yeah, but i couldn’t have done it without you, hyuck”

he almost passes out at your choice of nickname

back at the main hall, chiron announces your team as the winner, and that the prize yall being excused from doing chores all week long!!!!

it’s not much, but hey, at least you and hyuck ended up working together and winning the game, right?

later, hyuck pulls you aside from your cabin mates, and walks you to the lakeside

you two sit at the deck, side by side, watching the water doing nothing in particular

you watch as hyuck swings his feet lightly, his toes barely touching the water

“y/n, do you hate me?” donghyuck asks out of the blue

you’re like 😳 what

now that he asks you that . like straight up . it makes u think

do u REALLY hate him

or do u just hate losing to him

“why would i hate you?” you question back

“i don’t know? i guess because of our, um, rivalry thing i thought you can’t stand me”

you play with the beads of your camp necklace

“i don’t hate you, donghyuck. i just hate losing. i guess it’s the athena in me,” you laugh at how lame you sound

“i hate losing too, but i don’t hate you, in case you’re wondering.”

he takes a deep breath

“i know we started going against one another ‘cause of that one time my cabin won capture the flag, but i don’t want things to stay this way,” he pushes his hair back

“i guess what i’m saying is… i like working with you.” he pauses

“yeah,” he says, as if more convinced now, “and i would really like to get to know you better,” he clears his throat, very clearly embarrassed

you laugh at his flustered state

“stop laughing at me,” he stretches the last syllable as he lightly shoves you with his shoulder

you’re trying even harder to not laugh now, but for his sake, you hold it in

“that’s probably the cutest thing you’ve ever said”

he crosses his arms, “i’m always cute”

you’re like. THE NERVE?????? 😒😒😒

“how ‘bout we go slow? i mean, we just became un-enemies, we’re gonna need to be friends first, right?” you poke his shoulder

“you make a good point”

“i’m literally athena’s child, but okay”

“shut up!”

✨ time skip ✨

both u and hyuck stay at camp over the holidays which means more bonding time!!! yay!!!!!

a year has passed and u and hyuck r basically bffs, attached at the hip, and everybody except mark is surprised as fuck

rmb the days when hyuck thought u were “cute”?

welp 🤭 he’s at that point where everything u do makes his heart flutter

yeah… he likes u Like A Lot

u have no clue abt his feelings for u and he has no clue abt ur feelings for him either

exactly a year after the iconic capture the flag game, ur both seated at the deck by the lakeside, side by side, again

“y/n…there’s something you need to know”

“if you’re gonna tell me about the mixtape you’re dropping with mark, i literally don’t want to hear it”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME”

“YOU GOT THE ENTIRE CAMP’S HOPES UP FOR NO REASON”

both of you burst into fits of laughter

after calming down, he shoves your shoulder lightly with his shoulder, like he always does (only to u tho)

“no, seriously, i need to tell you something”

“what’s up?”

“i,” he pauses, clears his throat, “like you. a lot–i have for a while now.”

you swear your heart stops beating and your brain explodes

HE? LIKES? U?????????

he continues, “i don’t know if you like me back, but i’ve been wanting to tell you this for so long–guess i didn’t have the courage until recently,” he lets out an airy laugh

you’re looking at him in the eyes now; a subtle shimmer of the afternoon sun sparkling in his eyes

“hyuck, i like you too. how could i possibly not?” you chuckle at his shocked expression

he goes :O

he’s genuinely speechless when you lean forward and press your lips ever so softly onto his

you literally feel him freeze, which worries you for a second, but your worry is washed away when he slowly kisses you back

you melt right then and there

he takes your hand in his, interlocking fingers, as you pull away, a faint pink blush painting both your cheeks

“wow”

“really, y/n? that’s all you have to say? what happened to being wisdom’s child, huh?”

“donghyuck, i SWEAR to ALL THE GODS–!”

your sentence is cut off when he presses his lips onto yours again, you smile into the kiss which causes him to smile with you

he kisses you again and again, and then again, until you’re both a giggling mess

“let’s stay like this forever, yeah? what do you say?” he says, bringing his lips to your forehead, lingering there for a moment before pulling back and looking at you

you look at your intertwined hands, and then back up at him, “i’d like that”

[silhouettecrow]

This is the last part of me providing my Thoughts™ and Feelings™ about Shadow and Bone as I watch it 'cos this one is about the finale:

They brought back Alina and Mal reaching out for each other, and oh, boy, was that heartbreaking! It’s so well done yet so painful

Mal's turn-around of "Time will do it for me" to "Your past will do it for me” when he let the volcra get the Darkling was so good. I literally clapped, even though I knew the Darkling would, obviously, live

Also, the ending of the Darkling emerging from the Fold after Alina and Mal saying he’s dead was a great yet predictable (in a good way) transition. And the way the Darkling said, “Follow,” and the merzost just came with him was chilling. That was a perfect way to end the first season in my opinion

Not to brag, but I said three things before Jesper, one before Kaz, and one before Nina. I think my theory about absorbing the Crows' personalities is more true than I initially thought it was

Remember how I mentioned how the ugliness and asymmetry of the antlers in Alina’s collarbone was such an amazing parallel to the pain she is in? Well, her absorbing the antlers altogether after releasing herself from the Darkling’s control and realising the stag chose to give her its power is just. . .WOW. I honestly don’t know how to express how beautiful that was

Also, my best friend did bring up a good point: where did the antlers go? Did they just go further into her body? Did she legit consume them into her body and they’re just gone? What happened? 😂

Can I talk about Nina and Matthias for a hot second? I honestly don’t think I felt so much for Helnik when I read the Six of Crows duology as I did in this last episode, so I have a lot to say. The chemistry is straight from the pages of the books, but it’s so much different physically seeing them interact than just reading about it. It’s also different ‘cos we are seeing the relationship develop between them than being thrown in the middle of it with backstory being sprinkled throughout the progression of their story. The two of them flirting and being cute was so lovely, but the fear in Nina’s eyes when she knows she has to make a horrible decision between Matthias being arrested or being killed and then the betrayal that is written all across Matthias’ face in that cell on the ship was just devastating

I know this isn't about this episode, but I realised I forgot to mention it attached to episode 6 (I think), but Ivan threatening Jesper with him knowing what he is was dastardly. Like, I know you have to have read the books to know what Ivan was saying 'cos Jesper cuts him off, and I love little Easter eggs like that for us, but the foreshadowing of that shit was good. Leave the people who haven't read the books with questions and the people who have in anticipation! God, I love that!

Jesper still missing Milo is so precious and, I hate to say it, a mood ‘cos me too. I wanted to see a surprise appearance from the darling goat, but I will take Jesper bringing him up twice as compensation

Speaking of Jesper being a mood, Jesper begging for the reassurance that Kaz has got their backs with a plan was so painfully relatable. Bro, I would have done the same thing in that situation

It hurts me on a spiritual level to be aware that five out of the six Crows were on that boat at once. I need Wylan. Y’all, season 2 better happen 😭

And I want more interactions between Inej and Alina and between Inej and Zoya. That shit makes my Sapphic heart go berserk. You can’t look me in the eyes and say there isn’t the least bit of gay tension between these women. And that means I am so looking forward to Inej and Nina interacting; I may pass out

In addition to that, Kaz saying he needs Inej added five years to my life. And I think the happiest he looked all season was when Inej said she’d go with him to pay off Heleen and then decide what to do from there. And Kaz being a believer is ✨bonkers✨ in the best way possible

Lastly, to end with something about my boy, Jesper saying that he still couldn’t shoot Ivan’s pretty face was fucking great. I also died laughing at him saying that the true wealth was the friends they made along the way ‘cos of course Jesper is going to be the one to make a real-world meme reference and, on top of that, make it about the goat! Amazing, beautiful, wonderful. As always, I love him dearly

My final thoughts on the show as a whole is that it is a great adaptation of the books, especially with the blending of the storylines from the trilogy and the Six of Crows duology. The pacing was something I honestly had to adjust to, considering I know so much of the source material, but I think it worked and was a good choice to help viewers unfamiliar with the books understand what is happening. And even though I’ve read the books, I was pleasantly surprised with the numerous twists and turns; I was invested in the show as a whole, not just for the familiar characters and storylines (that was just a bonus, tbh). I genuinely love this show and am willing to say it is now tied for my favourite television show with Orphan Black and Good Omens. I’m hoping desperately for a season 2, not just for Wylan and Nikolai, but because this was truly so beautiful and brought me a lot of happiness and peace during one of the scariest and most stressful times in my life

I just want to thank anyone who has read any of these things I've written about the show. I truly didn't expect anyone to read them or even really care about what I thought or felt, but it does mean a lot that some of you are willing to read them at all and then even give them a like. This is just the adaptation of my favourite book series and knowing other people are caring about and even enjoying my reactions is so pleasant and comforting. Thank you 💕

If you want to check out my other Thoughts™ and Feelings™ about this first season, here are the links to those posts: Episode 2, Episodes 3 and 4, Episode 5, and Episodes 6 and 7

I'm now excited to remove spoilers from my filtered tags and to dive into what other people have been posting about Shadow and Bone! See y'all on the other side! ✌

[hi-hey-haechan]

Can I get a reaction with nct 127 when u purposely make them mad and they punish u please

Taeil

You’d told the members about that one time you came home late to see him dancing around the living room in just his underwear. He was embarrassed, but as his members began to taunt him more for it, he grew angry. As soon as you two got inside of your shared apartment, he shut the door with a resounding slam and pushed down on your shoulder, forcing you to your knees. He didn’t hesitate in unbuckling his belt and pulling down his jeans and boxers. Taeil’s hand went to the back of your head, forcing you down on his cock. From the start, he’d be rougher than usual, fucking your mouth and tugging on your hair. He would make you gag around his length, clutching onto his thigh as tears and drool run down your face. After sucking him off, he would refuse to pleasure you.

Johnny

You “accidentally” spilled his coffee (which had gone cold) onto his outfit, ruining his white t-shirt and black sweatpants. You looked straight at him when you apologized, not even bothering to make your voice sound sincere. You had both ruined his outfit and his caffeine. Johnny decided to change after finishing his breakfast. However, he fit a hand down your sweatpants and rubbed your clit roughly. You had been in a conversation with Doyoung, so you attempted to continue talking, stuttering and sighing. When he plunged two fingers into your core, bringing a slight amount of pain to you, you had to stop mid-sentence and bite your lip, clenching your jaw to hold back a moan. You played it off as “painful cramps.” He would curl his fingers, rubbing up against your sweet spot. He’d deny you your orgasm, making you whimper out loud. The boys were looking at Johnny, not one of them oblivious to what he was doing to you. 

Taeyong

If there was one thing Taeyong hated, it was reliving the time he had to explain “Whiplash.” You kept bringing it up, saying things like, “are you sure it was your sister you were writing about?” The members continued to laugh at him, too, teasing him more and more whenever you’d mention it. He was pissed off if you for embarrassing him like that, so when you got home, he was the one giving you whiplash (exept, like, you know, actual whipping). Legitimately, he’d spank you so roughly. That’s as far as he’d go with whipping, refusing to actually use a belt or rope or whip, which could genuinely cut into your skin. However, he would spank you until your ass was red and stinging, hand coming down harshly. The room was filled with your cries and the sharp sound of his hand making contact with your skin. (Aftercare, though...that’s a different story)

Yuta

Everything Yuta asked you to do was something you refused to follow through with. Doing the laundry, ordering take-out for dinner, etcetera. You claimed that you had to work all day, which was true, but you still didn’t do the tasks when you normally would. He came home tired and hungry, so he just made himself some ramen, being short and snappy with you. What you didn’t expect was for him to tie you up completely. Your arms were bound to the headboard, and your legs were tied down and spread apart. He placed a vibrator inside of you, placing it on the highest setting, before leaving to go do the laundry. You were screaming from overstimulation at some point, but Yuta didn’t return for a solid forty minutes. Your face was tearstained and red. Your throat was raw from the cries that had been ripped from you. Your slick was dripping down your legs, and the bedsheets were wet with the fluid that had squirted out of you from overstimulation. Don’t make Yuta mad, is the message here.

Doyoung

You decided to help the younger boys of the group pull a prank on Doyoung, for his reactions and indignance to their antics were humorous. It ended up with his pillow ripped, feathers all over his bed, and his sink in the bathroom at the dorms overflowing. Since he wasn’t a fan of messes, some part of you said, “Hmm, let’s piss off Doyoung to the fullest extent by ruining some stuff!” Your boyfriend’s response to that was him ruining you. He pounded into you relentlessly when you got back to your shared apartment. He did not find your humor, in this circumstance, funny, and so Doyoung showed you that he was not, in any way, a person that you should mess with. His thrusts would continue past your own climax, and even when your arms and legs gave out from supporting your weight, he fucked your limp body. He chased his orgasm, which, in turn, literally turned your body to putty for him.

Jaehyun

You sat on your phone the ENTIRE date. Seriously, while eating dinner, you scrolled through Twitter, sometimes texting your best friend about Jaehyun’s reactions to this. Your words were short and sort of dry. Seeing his face fall literally made you want to cry, since all you wanted was for him to be happy. You made a comment when you came home about your phone being almost-dead, and that was when he snapped. Jaehyun stripped you down, being so dominant that it almost scared you. He was already hard, thinking of everything he was going to do to you. Your face was mashed against a pillow, and your ass was up. His hands grabbed your hips as he fucked you so hard to the point where you were yelling out his name. Jaehyun went fast and deep, leaving a spank on your ass occasionally. “Your phone could never give this to you, never,” he hissed into your ear. You had cum twice before he came once, overstimulating you to the fullest extent. 

Winwin

You were flirting with Ten right in front of him. He watched, glowering, as you sat next to his friend. Ten was naturally just a flirt, always talking, smiling, and sometimes going as far as to show off. He also had to admit that seeing Sicheng mad amused him (Ten is chaotic evil, what can I say?). You reunited with your boyfriend after practice, and he was having a difficult time hiding his hurt. Sicheng wouldn’t be obvious about trying to punish you. Instead, he’d have his head between your legs later, overstimulating you until you were crying, but never saying his motivation for doing so. When he said, “Ten could never make you feel this good,” you knew his motivations behind his actions. Just because he was subtle about his jealousy didn’t mean that it wasn’t there, and he made sure you knew it.  He wanted to make you forget everything else except for his name and the way you felt as he pleasured you with his tongue and fingers, bringing you to your climax over and over again.

Jungwoo

You ate all the food that he’d bought for himself. When it came down to love, you and food were competing for Jungwoo’s heart. You, in turn, decided to temporarily remove your competition. When he came home, he was already sort of upset. Seeing that all his food was gone, he was sent over the edge. You rarely saw angry Jungwoo, but when you did, it was scary. He decided quickly that instead of eating food, he could just eat you out instead. What you weren’t expecting was orgasm denial for what felt like an eternity. His tongue movements were already quite wild, eating you out with no mercy at all, whatsoever. Even when you eventually stopped warning him about your approaching climax, he could tell by the clenching of your core and volume of your moans that you were close. If he didn’t get what he wanted, food, you wouldn’t get what you wanted: to cum. 

Mark

You decided that it would be humorous for you to photoshop his head onto the body of the bee, just because of the “Mark Bee” meme that NCTzens came up with. You gave them to the boys to post all around the company, and all day, you spammed Mark’s phone with memes of him and a bee. You even sent a terrifying fanfiction you’d found about his bee form (It’s a real thing someone sent me. I can send it, if you’d like). In turn, he had to consider a decent punishment. As a result, he decided to get himself off later that day, while making you watch. Seriously, he wouldn’t let you leave the bed as he ran his hand up and down his hard length, forcing you to watch and hear the sounds of his literally perfect moans. Mark didn’t want you to pleasure yourself, so he tied up your hands to the headboard using one of the scarves you had. He overstimulated himself, too, making you even needier, but never allowing you to have relief.

Haechan

You ignored him practically all day, pushing him away when he tried to hug you or saying short, cold sentences in response to his. He was being his bubbly, sweet, affectionate self, and you were pushing him away, just for a punishment. Haechan caught on quite quickly, knowing fully well how much of a brat you could be, just for his attention. His punishment? Ignoring you in return. Later that day, when your acts were up, he was pushing away anything more extreme than a hug. He would refuse to kiss you, and he’d push you away whenever you tried to grind down on his lap, your needy self begging for friction of any kind. You even laid next to him on the bed and began pleasuring yourself, moaning out his name as your fingers delved in and out of your core, simultaneously stimulating your clit. He just watched, not even reacting when you moaned out his name. 

[blackjack-15]

The Puzzle is Just the Italian Language — Thoughts on: The Phantom of Venice (VEN)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT, FIN, SSH, DOG, CAR, DDI, SHA, CUR, CLK, TRN, DAN, CRE, ICE, CRY

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it. Like with all of the Odd Games, there will be a section between The Intro and The Title called The Weird Stuff, where I go into what makes this game stand out as a little strange.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: VEN, RAN.

The Intro:

From the French-inspired streets of New Orleans, Nancy jumps on a plane to Venice and is caught up in international espionage, theft, a mafia ring, and a cast of hostile suspects living in the same house as her.

Sounds a bit like my first semester of college, honestly. Minus the whole “Venice” and “international espionage” parts.

Coming directly after CRY, VEN isn’t quite as thick with atmosphere, doesn’t have any of its philosophy or thematic elements, and is really only famous for being set in Italy and for the fact that they hired four voice actors for our main cast sans regular characters (Colin, voiced by our good ol’ boy Jonah Von Spreecken, counts as a returning VA), but hired 6 distinct VAs for the singing gondoliers, most of whom the average player will never hear.

Yeah, VEN is kind of that type of game.

There’s a lot that makes VEN the trippy experience that it is – more on that immediately below – but nearly none of that makes VEN as confused as it is. Nancy’s hired by a foreign government – sort of – but there’s also a love line – sort of – a roommate story – sort of – and some touristy stuff like overpaying for flowers and gelato.

Taking place overseas, VEN might have been mistaken for a Jetsetting game if it weren’t for the fact that every bit of the game is permeated with the sense that nothing was quite thought out, nothing quite flows together, and there’s no emotional response in anyone – including the player.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing enjoyable about VEN; it’s one of the most highly memed games, in fact, with a catsuit, horrific fashion choices, and little laser roombas all making up the most memorable meme material (and that’s not even touching discount Justin Timberlake and his slides of seduction). It has strongly-painted characters (even if there’s a touch of the caricature about them), the return of recurring characters, the first appearance of a semi-recurring character, poisoned chocolates…it’s almost like someone tried to do STFD, but with a sprinkling of spies and Italy thrown in for good measure.

VEN can be a lot of fun, but it’s also a grind a lot of the time; the required puzzles can be ridiculous, for example, and, in a twist for Nancy Drew games, there’s a puzzle for everyone to hate, no matter if you dislike stealth games, card games, speed-reaction games, or even language puzzles.

Which brings us to the biggest problem with The Phantom of Venice: the common puzzle thread, the thing that keeps recurring, the ‘mission statement puzzle’…it’s just the Italian language. The game hinges on the idea that the player won’t know any Italian (or any Romance language, honestly), and that’s where the majority of the difficulty in the game (barring bad hand-eye coordination) comes from. It’s not a good thing at all, and it brings the entire game down with it.

Well, it has a little help. Let’s talk about the Roomba in the museum, shall we?

The Weird Stuff:

There’s a lot of things that are weird about VEN, no getting around it. But there’s one solid thing that makes it…well, Odd in the way that the other Odd games are qualified, and that’s this one simple fact:

This is a Hardy Boys mystery, with Nancy clumsily inserted in instead of Frank and Joe.

Think about it; called in by a foreign government, espionage, nearly drowning, contacts in the government and police force, an Italian crime ring…these are all things straight out of a Hardy Boys novel, not a Nancy Drew novel. There is a Nancy Drew book titled The Phantom of Venice, true enough, but this game doesn’t bear any resemblance to it besides, well, Venice itself. You could swap out Nancy with the boys and the whole game could go on, minus the whole ‘keepsake necklace from Ned’ thing, and depending on what you ship, even that might fly under the radar.

And no, I didn’t forget the dancing in a catsuit thing. Pure comedy right there.

Nancy’s a homegrown detective; most of her cases are ‘small thing spirals into bigger thing’. It’s not that she doesn’t deal in espionage, at times in foreign places, or stumble upon a crime ring. It’s just that that’s not the type of thing Nancy’s called in for, it’s the type of thing she trips over halfway into a lower-stakes mystery.

The Hardy Boys, however, because of their father’s contacts (in the novels) and their position in ATAC (in the games) are exactly the kind of people that work with police chiefs and security experts and foreign spies and the like. It’s very nearly their bread and butter. Which is why I have a wild but not out-of-the-way wacky sorta-serious theory. Bear with me:

This game was designed as a Hardy Boys game, and Nancy really was clumsily inserted in with a few weeks to spare.

At this point in history – the far-behind time of July 2008, as the Great Recession was descending, the fury of an election year was coming to a head, and you couldn’t go to a supermarket or clothes store in America without hearing OneRepublic tell you that it was just a little too late to apologize – HER wasn’t doing badly, per se, but they certainly weren’t doing as well as they could have been. They weren’t that far from having had to majorly upgrade their engine for a rapidly changing technological world, and there seemed to be no end in sight. HER had plenty of staff change-ups coming because of new sponsors, but weren’t making enough simply with what they had.

Put simply, they needed a carrot. And what better carrot than the fan-favorite Hardy Boys?

There are two Hardy Boys games put out around this time: The Perfect Crime and The Hidden Theft. While neither one was done by Her Interactive, there was a HER Hardy Boys game in the works: the DS masterpiece Treasure on the Tracks. The audience for a Hardy Boys game was meant to be young boys/teenaged boys, but the side audience expected was fans of the Nancy Drew books and games.

So while I know logically that Phantom of Venice was just the latest in a  line of ‘adulted-up’ Nancy Drew books (and games), in my head it makes much more sense to say that it was supposed to be a Hardy Boys game meant to promote Treasure on the Tracks and HER got nervous and pulled the plug, stuffing their erstwhile teen detective in instead.

The Title:

As far as a title goes, The Phantom of Venice isn’t a bad one; you can tell it comes from the ‘hotter and sexier’ Nancy Drew books, and as a collection of words, it works rather well. It’s an evocative title, giving us our location, our crime (‘phantom thieves’ are common as a type of thief), and doesn’t say too much else, so as to not spoil the mystery.

As a title for this game, however…well, so little of the actual game deals with the Phantom that it’s rather non-indicative as a title. By the time you’re 16 Scopa games deep and are wearing a sparkly red dress with a cat mask and sneakers around Italy, you’ve pretty much forgotten about the Phantom and are more worried about exactly what happened to the pigeon you used as a messenger and why exactly flowers and gelato cost so much for 2008.

The Phantom of Venice just…deserved a better, more cohesive, more…well, phantom-y game than it got. That’s all.

Now, onto the mystery!

The Mystery:

Nancy’s been called in by the Secret Italian Police because a thief has been stealing art.

No, really, I’m being serious.

Sure, Prudence Rutherford has a hand in getting her called in, but basically Nancy goes from small-time cases, sometimes getting her name in the papers, to called in by the Italian Secret Police.

Caught up at a house where no one likes her (understandable, given that she just Appears one day, forced on the Ca’s owner, Margherita Fauborg, and her residents at the Ca’), Nancy soon becomes embroiled in a mystery most foul when she discovers ties to the art thief – or thieves – right around the Ca’, poisoned sausages and message-laden chocolate boxes, and shades and shades and shades of tiles offered by the Ca’s resident nerd.

Soon, Nancy is juggling police contacts, heists, Scopa games, and the impersonation of a world-class spy just to give the Italian police a hint as to who might be stealing Venice’s greatest artworks. It gets personal, however, when the Phantom Thief himself shows up, stealing Nancy’s locket which she’s just been given by Ned.

Oh, and did I mention that the whole thing is told in media res? Yeah, very, very weird choice right there.

Honestly speaking, the mystery isn’t…bad, per se. It’s got solid bones – art theft, mysterious thieves, romantic location, interesting-seeming suspects, some spy shenanigans. The problem with VEN’s mystery, largely, is that there just isn’t any cartilage to connect those good bones. Without something to hold it all together, it just kind of falls apart – exactly like a skeleton without cartilage.

Simply put, there’s a lot of mystery, but no plot to carry the mystery along.

The Suspects:

Beginning with Margherita Fauborg, the tanning-obsessed matriarch of the Ca’ Nacosta, seems like a good place to start. Dismissive of Nancy, tourists, and Nancy being a ‘tourist’, Margherita prefers to stay on top of her house tanning the day away rather than take part in any shenanigans.

Having Margherita not be a member of the ring was almost as inspired as having Helena lead it; she’s not nice, does suspicious things, is entirely self-centered – but she’s not a villain, nor does the game really pretend that she is for more than a second. I really like characters like this in the Nancy Drew games, who are honestly just People not enamored with the teen detective, but aren’t villains just because of that.

Also, the story of her husband’s death is just incredibly hilarious.

Her half-ward, half-employee Colin Baxter, on the other hand, is anything but dismissive of Nancy. He’s part of the ‘kinda crushing on Nancy’ club, but is Far less beloved than any other member of that club. It comes from his inherent creepiness, criminal record, and love for tile slides, I think.

Colin, as a suspect…well, he’s just there to make the numbers add up. It’s a shame that his largest utility is to show Margherita’s slightly unscrupulous nature, but he should have been kept as perhaps a figure that Nancy could call to get the story, rather than an in-person suspect.

The other person staying at the Ca’ is Helena Berg, fulfilling the HER mandate for having a German villain in their European games. Having Helena be the mastermind of the ring is a pretty good plot point, honestly, as I expected the first time for her to just be part of it, and to have that be the Big Surprise.

She’s also one of the few villains who promises revenge on Nancy and/or is still out there. I know it would have been Way too soon to have Helena be the returning culprit in RAN rather than Dwayne, but honestly she was a better candidate for it. While any hope of a good ND game (and mostly any game, honestly) is pretty far from me, I always hoped one day Helena would return in all her platinum blonde glory.

Enrico Tazza is our most encountered (kind of) and outwardly suspicious suspect, but he’s not exactly…well, scary. He makes Nancy-as-Samantha play a card game with him, then disappears, despite being the Preeminent Villain Face for the first half of the game.

I do love Tazza, however, just for his presence in the game. He’s cartoony, fun, well-acted…he’s just great. And as a potential villain, he’s great too! You’re never meant to doubt that he’s a ‘baddie’, you’re just meant to go along for the ride. Excellent.

Finally, Antonio Fango is the most prominent suspect that you’ll ever completely forget the name of, due to his lack of screen time despite being the Italian Police’s favorite suspect. He has a whole convoluted backstory involving multiple colleges and degrees, but really he’s just the communication go-fer for Helena’s theft ring.

As a villain…well, Fango does his part, but due to being a nigh-unseen suspect, he’s really just not very memorable. He’s like most of the ring – necessary to establish the numbers, but other than that, a non-entity.

The Favorite:

Despite the plot holes wide enough to steer a gondola through, there are a few things that really make VEN stand out.

The first is Samantha Quick; originally a stage name suggestion from Simone in FIN, she shows up as an actual character in VEN, albeit only by phone and shadow. Her pissed-off phone call to Nancy is a highlight of the game, especially as she ends with the vaguely threatening line “say hi to Ned for me”. Her shadow at the end in Colin’s window is the final clinch to make SQ a personal favorite of mine, and her presence (and the feeling of her presence, which is sort of different) is a high point in the game.

The location of the game is another plus; not so much Venice, but the Ca’ Nacosta itself. It’s a wonderful ‘home base’ location for any Nancy Drew game, filled with light, staircases, and pretty impressive stonework given that just a few short games ago, everything looked like it was animated out of melted gummy bears.

My favorite puzzle(s) are the chess puzzles, honestly. I just kind of like chess puzzles to begin with, and it’s a nice respite from forcing pigeons to do your bidding and avoiding various foods.

My favorite moment in the game is honestly the Samantha Quick shadow, but if I had to pick another moment, it’s where Nancy implies that she’s stripping for money, and Ned just replies that he’ll be really glad when she’s back home safe in the States. It’s such a random, hilarious thing to happen, and Ned’s complete underreaction to the idea of Nancy earning money in such a way (as she makes it sound way worse than it actually is) is what really sells it.

The Un-Favorite:

There are some un-favorites as well, however, that drag down the game to the place it currently resides.

The first is…well, the location and the means used to get Nancy there. As much as I have no problem with Venice, this attempt to open up the world makes little sense when you consider that there’s no way the Italian Secret Police would hinge their hopes on a small-time 18 year old American detective, no matter how highly Prudence spoke of her.

The jumbled plot (when there is a plot, at least) is another point against VEN; the writers just didn’t know what to do with Nancy being in Venice, and so just…didn’t do anything with it.

I also dislike that this game happens in media res. There’s no real reason to do it – and it makes any actions that the player takes that’s slightly apart from the ‘main plot’ – gondola rides, ice cream, looking at slide after slide after slide – seem incredibly out of place and borderline inappropriate. At the very least, if the Hardy Boys were part of the game, they could be yelling her name as she began to drown, which would give a sense of urgency that’s missing from the confused opening.

My least favorite puzzle…well, that brings me to a huge problem: every puzzle in this game is based around the fact that it’s in Italian, and they expect no one playing this to even have an idea of Italian (or any romance language). It boils down to this: the puzzle is just the Italian language, and they have nothing else up their sleeves. I don’t have a least favorite puzzle, because apart from a select few, they’re all the same puzzle, wrapped in slightly different clothing.

The Fix:

So how would I fix The Phantom of Venice?

Coming off of CRY, we’ve now had two games with two (or three) player characters, so that’s what I’d start with doing. Include the Hardy Boys, who have been called on by the Italian Secret Police because of their work with ATAC. They’re helping the mystified police track down this ring of thieves when Nancy mentions offhand that Prudence Rutherford is recommending a stay at a Ca’ in Venice whose owner owes her a favor (as a treat/vacation). Upon hearing this, the Hardy Boys ring her up and ask her help, as they’ve stalled out. They’re not allowed to come into physical contact with Nancy (to save money on animating them/Nancy), but they want her to investigate from her end, as she won’t be suspected at all.

The real reason the Italian Police let the Hardy Boys get her involved, of course, is that they need someone to impersonate Samantha Quick, and they’re having a rough time with their Joe-in-a-wig tests. They need an American who can convincingly pull off the act, and the brothers mention Nancy’s stints undercover. Desperate enough to grasp at anything, Nancy’s officially in.

That along would help beef up the plot, as suddenly we have an actual police plotline with the Hardy Boys (playing as one or the other, it doesn’t matter, or maybe both with different ‘jobs’ to do as one or the other). Diving the suspects is a good idea too; Nancy would take Helena and Tazza as her primary suspects (of course, only Tazza would be the ‘primary’ at the beginning), while the Hardy Boys handled Fango and his side of the ring.

The final puzzle (with the flashlights and such), especially, makes more sense as a Hardy Boys sort of thing. Nancy can snoop around the market and the Ca’, discovering clues as to Helena’s guilt and such. The Hardy Boys take down the ring, but Nancy takes down Helena.

I would also give Nancy a better reason to be undercover at the dance club. It’s a weird little minigame to be sure, but if it’s gonna exist in the game, there should be a better reason. Even better, take it out and have her solve puzzles – something other than the Italian Language, mind you – in order to get money from the police or something.

(Even better, take out the money thing, as someone helping the Police and pretending to be a spy should not be or appear to be short on funds.)

The last big change I’d do is to take Ned out (sorry, Ned, but there’s really no reason for you to be in this game) and swap him for Carson. Carson really should be in a few more games than he is as it stands, and this is a great way to bring in the fact that…well, Carson can’t be entirely Comfortable with the direction that Nancy’s life is going, even if he is proud of her.

Most of the time, Nancy’s family and friends are just used to say “and she’s ‘normal’ and loved and supported even though she’s never home”, and I think using them to establish her character and the stakes is a far better use of these pre-existing characters.

[bobbystompy]

My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids” 

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* -  though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion 

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end). 

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

[nossbean]

Ooh Hot Chocolate for the WIP meme, if you please :)

hee! I’m going to cheat possibly and combine this and Hot Chocolate II XD This sprung from asking a friend for a prompt for a writing warm-up last winter, hence the season appropriate: hot chocolate! Neither of these have any plot: my first go at the prompt is the start of a deleted scene from the Pacific Rim AU fic I did, with Jaime waking up before Brienne on his first morning in Tarth. Buuut it didn’t really have anywhere to go; I like it, but it petered out at just under 500 words. The second one is book canon, set in the future where Brienne and Jaime are visiting Sansa in the North with their kidlets. It has... genuinely no plot! This fic says: How did any of them survive? How did they get to where they are, post-war? Who knows! Who cares! They’re happy and healthy and mostly whole and that’s what matters! I do like it, for some slice of life fluff and I did come close to posting it -- I think it lived as a draft on AO3 before reaching that month limit to when AO3 deletes drafts, and indeed, reading it back now, I’m pretty sure I’d made some edits to the ao3 version to how Brienne in particular acts at the end. I’m not sure I’ll return to it, but in case it might bring some warm feelings as is, here’s the version I have:

Winterfell is under several feet of snow when they arrive. It is, at least, something to distract the children. Jo and Gall immediately fall all over themselves, tangled with Sansa’s Robb. Arya appears from only the Gods know where, and throws a loosely-packed snowball with infuriating accuracy at Jaime’s face. It collapses on impact, filling his nose and his beard, and somehow managing to sneak under the neck of his clothes to chill his chest, and with a growl, he launches himself into the mix.

He isn’t sure how much time passes, but he’s kneeled now in front of Gall, helping Jo and Robb pack snow around his legs to make him into a snowman. He has no idea where Arya’s gone, which is worrying, but he suspects Arya won’t disturb him when he’s playing with his children. Jo is in charge, one hand on her hip, the other pointing imperiously as she orders Jaime and Robb to work faster, bury her brother more efficiently, and Jaime delays long enough to cause her to frown severely at him, a downward pout to her mouth that he knows mirrors his own when he’s doing his best to goad Brienne, and he doesn’t know if he’s ever loved their daughter more. Of course, the thought is one which crosses his mind by the minute; with a glance to Gall, who is shimmying with excitement, sending the packed snow tumbling in small clumps, and his heart is full. He is so lucky. He remembers, every day.

“Fa-ther,” Jo says, and Jaime says quickly, “My apologies, Lady Joanna,” pretending at being demure when she nods regally, and redoubles his efforts.

His gold hand is surprisingly useful for the task, comparatively. That is, until Gall looks over Jaime’s shoulder and starts giggling, covering his mouth in a motion reminiscent of his mother. It’s enough warning, and Jaime collapses sideways onto his arse, just as Brienne drops an armful of snow where he’d been kneeled. It lands, now, on his calves and feet, and Jaime scowls, looking up at his wife. Her eyes are bright over her cold-kissed-red cheeks, broken teeth peeking from the wonderful curve of her smile, and Jaime curses his age as he struggles to scramble to his feet to tackle her into a nearby snowdrift.

Brienne gives him the time, though, kind, foolish woman that she is. She laughs up at him as they fall, the children hollering behind them, and Jaime wonders that he ever lived without the warm song in his chest brought on by the sound of her laughter. Once they’re collapsed, surrounded by snow, he squirms to prop himself up beside her, and promptly sets about stealing her scarf.

“You’ve made me cold, wife.”

“I haven’t,” she says, setting her jaw and tugging back on her scarf. “You should have dressed more warmly.”

“I didn’t expect such a chilly welcome,” he says, and Brienne groans and rolls her eyes. Jaime grins, then persists dramatically, “I also did not anticipate being attacked by our hosts upon arrival.”

“Last time we were here, Arya pushed you into the watering trough within minutes.”

“What’s your point?”

“That you bloody well should have anticipated it.”

“I have learned that in life, it is possible to mature,” he tells her with exaggerated sobriety. “And I had hoped that Arya might —”

“That Arya might what?” Arya says behind him. Brienne looks past his shoulder and starts snickering.

“Oh,” he murmurs. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

“No,” Brienne says, tone what passes for sing-song with Brienne, and he almost doesn’t hate when the cold water soaks his head and slips under his various layers to spread wet patches across his undershirt. He definitely doesn’t hate when Brienne splutters furiously as he shakes his head, spraying her and Arya, who he hear skips back with an outraged yelp.

Mostly he soaks Brienne though. She deserves it for her betrayal.

After they escape to their quarters to change — and have a quick tumble, for the sake of warming his blood, he had declared, and Brienne had murmured shut up against his mouth, her fingers already on the ties of his breeches— one of Sansa’s handmaidens leads them to Sansa’s solar. 

Sansa smiles as she embraces Brienne and nods to Jaime. She is still a little shadowed, but each time they visit, she seems a little brighter, a little less guarded and distant. She gestures for them to sit, and says, “Ser Jaime, I think this may please you.”

“I will be honest with you, Lady Sansa,” he says, settling beside Brienne and leaning back in his chair to stretch his legs out in front of him. “Little has pleased me of Stark hospitality thus far.”

Brienne shoots him a look, but he sees as the turn to Sansa’s smile becomes more true, the way her eyes flicker mischief. She says, with the barest sardonic emphasis, “I’m terribly sorry for the nature of your welcome. I will speak with my sister.”

“Thank you, my lady,” he replies, matching her tone. 

“Perhaps this will make it up to you,” she says, and stands. She moves to the sideboard where mugs of something steaming wait. “We had an envoy from Dorne recently,” she says, lifting the tray and carrying it over. “They gifted us with this drink concoction. It is surprisingly suitable for snowy winters, given it came from warm climes.”

Jaime reaches out for a mug, passes it to Brienne, before taking one for himself. He sniffs dubiously at the steam rising from the brown mixture: it smells sweet, and rich, and dark, somehow. His mouth waters from the scent alone and he spares a passing thought that of course something so obviously luxuriant is a Dornish beverage before he raises the mug to sip.

The thick liquid spreads warm through his mouth, coating his tongue, and he hears Brienne offer a startled moan beside him. Rarely has he ever tasted something which matches its scent, but this drink — the sweetness fills his mouth, offset by a slight bitterness. It’s delicious. And yes, warming. It spreads heat down his chest, settling comfortingly in his belly. He drinks again, settling into the coziness it brings.

“So?” Sansa asks. Jaime opens his eyes and tips his head up to meet her gaze, looking down on him archly through the steam of another mug still on the platter. “Are we forgiven?”

For the sake of his wife, he ought to make this easy. But there’s a glint in Sansa’s eyes that he’s keen to tease out. So he shrugs insouciantly and says, “That depends.”

“On?” Sansa says evenly.

“How generous you are with your remaining stores.”

“Ah. That may depend on how keen you are to maintain truce with my sister. Really, this was a gift to her.”

“Mmm,” Jaime says thoughtfully. He looks to Brienne. “Are we prepared for war with the North?”

Under normal circumstance, Jaime would laugh at the serious look on his lady wife’s face despite how transparently absurd he is being, but Jaime has a facade to maintain. So when Brienne says firmly, “No,” Jaime sighs dramatically and turns back to Sansa.

“It seems we have reached an impasse, and it falls to me to be the bigger person.” He ignores Brienne’s disbelieving snort — will extract recompense later that this is what breaks her stern exterior — and nods graciously to Sansa. “All is forgiven.”

[nobody-knose--archive]

hi everyone it’s me, local lemon demon & tally hall fan, posting about a band that you’ve never heard of and is only tangentially related to lemon demon & tally hall but still more related than i ever expected to be. the fullerenes, and their final ep, the temporary boyfriend ep. enjoy

-two disclaimers i have to get out of the way. the first is that this isn't my first time listening to this album, that was earlier today, and i'd even listened to a couple songs on their own before then. the second is that 90% of this is just going to be me gushing about how fantastic this album is because holy shit it's good like the mixing is amateur the lyrics are about cishet love but i don't care i love this goddam ep

-bassline. piano. dischordancy. what's not to goddam love

-the story of this song is some guy being in love with a with an androgynous name (& is not referred to with any gendered language!) whom he's never spoken to, only like bumped into once some time. i don't hate it because i know exactly how much worse it could be. that's my stance on all of the fullerenes' love songs honestly

-i bring up the androgynous name because i will hc adrian as enby to the death. i'll do this with any fictional character honestly

-alright back to the song. fast-paced as any fullerenes song will be, but the piano riffs/melody have barged into my heart where they pay rent & tip each week, more than making up for anything lackluster in the drumming/guitar aspects

-as if there would be any

-unfortunately i'm going to have to pause like. a lot. even more than i usually do with an album. because the songs are fast paced & go by quickly & i can't quite keep up with them

-that bass riff. i can tell there's some real musical knowledge behind it. and if you're going to put your musical knowledge anywhere the bass is like the 1st best place for a rock band & the 2nd best place for an ann arbor beginning of the 2000s quintet that dresses smartly with matching ties at live performances & is traditional rock with a keyboarder and other miscellaneous instrument useage/experience. what's tally hall

-ok to completely ignore the last thing i said this soft guitar arpeggio combined with the vaguely harmonious feedback was a 2-hit combo of tally hall flashbacks (i know it's just the same & two wuv, respectively) the first time i heard it and i don't know how long it'll take till that goes away

-good lord the lead singer isn't the most skilled person in the universe but these harmonies! they kick me in the head and save my soul i want to get lost in this rock & roll

-by far the most emo song on this album, broken down, and who doesn't need a little emo. by which i mean the lead vocalist screams sometimes there's not a whole lot more angst by comparison beyond that

-the hooks. this song's got a hook. and the keyboard. the keyboard. watch me fill up this whole liveblog with just mentions of the instruments & musical components

-practically the only thing pushing this song past the 2 minute mark is the guitar/keyboard solo & i sure as hell can't complain about that it slaps

-i won't lie this bit with the vocal filter is a very silly reminder (to me) of lemon demon's first 2 albums. i mean. i think this ep & those albums came out about a year apart. and neil was a fullerenes fan. so maybe my remembrance is based in something more

-temporary boyfriend the song itself. i literally haven't listened to their full discography but if i had to pick a song to introduce people to the fullerenes & it couldn't be little fits then it'd definitely be this one alright

-it's got the most typically pleasant vocals, keyboard accompaniment the whole way through, gentle & groovy guitar, very well done vocal harmonies, lyrics aren't alloromantic shit, it's the perfect intro to this band

-also, i can already tell it's going to be stuck in my head for goddam ages & i'm only listening to it for the 2nd time

-i wonder if this band's anywhere on spotify? or any other music platforms? i would bet money against it honestly i only found it through a hella deep rabbit hole, their yt channel is tiny, and they aren't selling the album for any money on bandcamp. if anyone's still into logan whitehurst & the jr science club today maybe they'll find their way towards it but otherwise you'd probably have to encounter it a. the same way i did or b. through me specifically

-because i've only had the fullerenes for half a day but if other people don't start hearing about them i'm going to make their life hell

-that meme doesn’t translate well directly onto text. especially when you don’t want to bring up su*cide. moving on

-yknow. if you've seen my deporitazposting then get ready for that part ii except now there's even even less people who care about this defunct 1998-2002 music group (put group in quotations for deporitaz's part)

-oh and onto the finale. this is the song i've heard once or twice before the album and like. it's fast paced angery breakup song but in a vague bubblegum rock style.

-sure the love song aspects aren't my favorite but i enjoy these hooks and the power chords are tight. can't hate it!

-catch me, an ace/aro, never intend to & never have been in a ~committed relationship, belting the lyrics to this one at the top of my lungs at 4pm on a monday

-shit i need to update my "no love song writers are allowed in the alloromanticism" meme with. whoever's the lead songwriter for this band. is it ryan? ryan something? i don't entirely know yet but in my defense the fullerenes have a practically nonexistent internet presence, let alone general multimedia (non-musical) presence

-i had also listened to the love me true demo before going through the whole album and i've gotta say it doesn't sound a load rougher than the average fullerenes song. which could either show that a. fullerenes songs aren't terribly studio finessed, b. this demo is really well done, c. i have low standards, or d. i don't know the fullerenes' style well enough to point out how this is unfinished

-the vocal harmonies are on full display in this track- far more than the other ones even, i think.

-i guess you could say it's on ~fullerenes display haha

-oh the album's over. yeah it's only an ep & the songs aren't too long. the other ones have a shit ton more tracks at least. good times!

[penny-anna]

@abluescarfonwaston​ as I said I got like 4 stars for this meme and no specific requests, so I’m just going to talk at length about the fic I have the most to say about, which is sandstorms and hazy dawns

hooray!!

She comes to him in the night, breath hot against his ear, and says, “can we keep them?”

This opening scene takes place between the 2nd and 3rd scenes of the story... this is probably needlessly confusing as the rest of the story is in chronological order but, this is where I wanted to start & I can do what I want.

“No,” he says.

He feels her weight shift as she lies down beside him. “Why not?”

“You know why.”

She noses at his neck, at the side of his head, nuzzling him. He feels the beginnings of a purr down in her chest, feels it in her and inside himself. “I like them.”

He touches her head, burying his fingers in her coarse fur the way he hasn’t for years. It’s been a long time, since they were as close as this. When they are together she sleeps an arm’s length from him. For days at a time they’re apart. He knows her only as a flash of white on the edge of his vision, a scent in the air. She wanders for miles, for weeks, following her own path, and he sees her not at all.

so let’s talk about the break up!!

Geralt & Dag used to have a more ‘normal’ person + separated daemon relationship (like most witchers), in which they would only split up for long periods out of practical necessity. they broke up for several years following events in blaviken. here is my extremely rough rendering of how that went

geralt: why you let this happen. you’re supposed to be my conscience :(

dag: umm how is this my fault? you asshole?

geralt: fuck off

dag: fine i will!! *fucks off*

geralt: wait no i didnt mean it :(

i have no intention of ever writing this scene as i don’t think i could do it justice. in my head he also throws a rock at her tho. bcos he’s an angry boy & an asshole.

however!! the strain in their relationship would not have started there. when i was writing this fic i was imagining that the fact of being separated would in itself put a strain on any person/daemon relationship, which i felt was implied by the HDM books. & then since writing it I read The Secret Commonwealth which more or less confirms that separating does just cause people’s relationships with their daemons to break down sometimes.

I think I said this in another post but, I imagine that the newly acquired ability to have separate experiences would make them more and more able to seriously disagree on things. and physically separating for long periods (even if only for practical reasons) would force them to get better at functioning alone which could in turn make them more and more emotionally distant from each other.

He scratches at the join of her neck and jaw, and that purr grows, long and deep and contented. She lays her head down beside his, and he holds her. He’s aware of her tail flicking, restless. She’ll be awake a while yet and so will she. They always sleep and wake at the same times, no matter how many miles separate them.

Geralt loves her, his lion, his dæmon. He loves her with every fibre of his being. He loves her strength, her grace. He loves that she can take any shape she pleases, be a bird or a fish or a snake when the moment calls for it. He loves the distance she can walk from him. He would not have her any other way. He cannot imagine her any other way.

i was always going to have witchers w separating daemons for this fic. however i got talked into the idea of witchers w mutable daemons by someone in a witcher discord I’m in... whoever you are I have forgotten your tumblr so can’t credit you for your idea properly sorry!!

i was originally reluctant bcos it seemed to me that mutable daemons implied innocence & youthfulness, which is kind of at odds with how witchers seem to be perceived. however following the above discord conversation i realised it can also imply 1) that witchers don’t really have ‘fixed’ personalities, which ties in with their supposedly not having feelings; 2) ‘innocence’ but in a negative way, in the sense of immaturity & not having a properly developed mind and sense of morality. 

obviously none of the above is actually true and witcher daemons are just shapeshifting adult daemons but, that is how people perceive it.

additionally, given how superpowered witchers are it seemed to fit that they would have found a way around all the weaknesses that having a daemon bring.

He knows that she loves him too. He understand why sometimes she despises him. He has cursed her, with his words and his thoughts, and she hates him for it. She has left him alone, and he hates her for it.

They say witchers feel nothing and they are not wrong. It doesn’t pain him when they are apart. He hasn’t felt that pain since he was a child. He barely remembers what it feels like.

She stops purring. Her breath puffs against his skin. “Stop thinking so hard,” she says. “Go to sleep.” Her tail has stopped twitching. “Go to sleep.”

*

“I think you and I might have got off on the wrong foot – as they say.”

this scene is supposed to take place offscreen shortly following the gutpunch haha

“White hair – no visible dæmon – two very – very scary looking swords – I know who you are.”

I don’t like when daemon fics recap entire scenes w the addition of daemons but I wanted to get this 1 change in so. here it is in a brief flashback. i elected to take out ‘big old loner’ bcos 1) listing 3 things is neater 2) I felt that not having a visible daemon would be a more notable characteristic for jaskier to point out.

not having a visible daemon is not necessarily a ‘tell’ that someone is a witcher or part of another demographic that can separate as people’s daemons are just out of sight sometimes.

It had surprised him, the ease with which that word visible had tripped off the bard’s tongue; that unhesitating acknowledgement that just because he couldn’t see something did not mean it didn’t exist.

He says, “hm.”

“Aren’t you going to ask my name?”

“No,” he says.”

“You can call me Jaskier,” says the bard. With a jerk of his shoulder he indicates the songbird-dæmon perched atop his lute. “This is Tansy.” The dæmon peeps a greeting. Receiving no response the bard goes on, “she’s a nightingale which I think is very sexy of her. You know,” he adds. “Because I’m a singer. And she’s a – a songbird.”

i realised while i was writing this that jaskier never actually introduces himself on screen. which seems like an oversight on the part of the writers tbh. means we can do what we want tho.

as i said in the a/n on the fic itself, I got the idea of giving Jaskier a nightingale daemon from two halves of a whole. usually I try and avoid just straight up copying other people’s form ideas but i just. fell in love with nightingale.

other forms I’ve seen for jaskier seem to tend VERY strongly towards birds which I find interesting! i’ve think I’ve seen maybe 1 daemon fic where he doesn’t have a bird daemon.

moving on to the name! this is tansy:

I do intend to get into this in potential future installments of the series, but Tansy is not her birth name (none of the main daemons in this AU use their birth names, completely independently of each other). she started going by Tansy relatively young and when he later changed his to match.

I think Jaskier settled relatively young - maybe 2 years before the time this fic is set - and being the overdramatic little punk he is hasn’t quite got over the ‘have i mentioned how cool my daemon’s settled form is today’ phase yet.

& finally before moving on, p much the first thing we learn about Jaskier & Tansy is that he is very happy and at ease with her and the form that she takes. this is important.

He grunts an acknowledgement – if only to get the bard to stop explaining.

“You’re not the best conversationalist, are you?”

A sudden tension, inside his chest. She’s close. He looks up and there she is, slipping into view on the clifftop.

“It’s just usually when you have a conversation you take it in turns to speak,” says the bard. “Rather than one person doing all the – oh.”

Dag makes her way down the ragged cliff, leaping from perch to perch in languid motions till her white paws touch the earth and she’s beside him. Stooping Geralt runs his hand over her head in greeting. Her eyes narrow.

this is another thing I have mentioned Elsewhere but i did fall in love w geralt’s daemon’s name in two halves of a whole (linked above) and went looking for something which had a similar feel to it. sorry.

i’m aware that Dag is technically a man’s name but given the kind of, inherent gender-bending nature of opposite sex daemons it seemed appropriate.

i confess i was also thinking of the dag in fury road.

seen a lot more variety in daemon forms for Geralt than jaskier! most common choices seem to be 1) wolf and 2) roach is his daemon. I’m really not into ‘existing animal companion as daemon’ bcos I’m firmly in the camp of ‘daemons as a manifestation of a person’s inner voice’ rather than ‘daemons as Companions’ so I can’t get behind daemon!roach (I actually find it actively offputting gfdlkjfskdh)

wolf is a p good fit imo but I find it a bit on the nose and I wanted to do something different. so. he is a giant kitty cat. & as someone (I forget who sorry) correctly identified she is leucistic rather than albino.

white mountain lions do exist but best as i can tell there’s like 1 photo on the entire internet. bummer.

He’s aware of the restlessly silent presence of the bard behind them shifting his weight, his dæmon fluttering about his head, aware perhaps that he’s intruding on something intimate.

Geralt straightens, and the bard takes that as his cue to begin again. He clears his throat and says, “what can I call her?”

It’s been a long time, since anyone has asked for her name so brazenly; in fact he isn’t sure anyone ever has. Geralt shoots the bard a look.

“Well, you must call her something,” he says, unintimidated.

“I do,” says Geralt. “You don’t.”

The nightingale-dæmon, now resting upon her bard’s shoulder, is eying Dag curiously, but she’s cautious enough not to approach.

one thing I’ve noticed when re-reading HDM is that characters very rarely refer to other people’s daemons by names, even when they know them. generally i’ve loosely kept to this in my own daemon AUs bcos 1) i find that when fics us each daemon’s name every time i get a bit lost as to whose daemon is whose and 2) I like the idea that using someone else’s daemon name is a very hm. intimate thing. hence geralt is reluctant to call tansy by her name, even though he knows it.

“Right,” says the bard. “Well, then.”

*

Come morning, Dag is gone, but not gone far. Out of sight, but not so far away he can’t feel her. She’ll come back when it pleases her.

He readies Roach for the path ahead, half-listening to the lilt of conversation that carries from the bushes; Jaskier’s voice, and the pretty voice of his dæmon.

The bard stumbles out into view, tousled and bleary from a night on the ground. “G’morning.” He ambles over to join Geralt.

i genuinely wanted to specify here that jaskier was having a piss in the bushes but i couldn’t find a way to get it in that didn’t seem kind of tasteless. that is what is happening here tho.

“What will it take to get rid of you?” says Geralt.

“My, someone woke up on the wrong side of the – ground,” says Jaskier. “More than yesterday. Where are we off to next?” He puts his hand on Roach’s saddle. Geralt swats it away.

“I’m going north,” he says. “You go wherever you want.”

“Maybe I want to go with you,” says Jaskier. In a flutter of wings his dæmon comes to rest on the pommel of Roach’s saddle, and he can’t shoo her away. He wouldn’t dare put his hands near her.

They say of witchers that they have no souls. They say their dæmons are something else, something monstrous. They say they have no respect for the great taboo. When they see him mothers’ dæmons snatch their children away.

“You don’t,” says Geralt.

“You sound awfully sure,” says Jaskier.

You don’t know what you’re asking for, Geralt wants to say. He doesn’t know how to say it in a way the bard would understand. He glowers at the nightingale-dæmon until she takes the hint and flies back to Jaskier’s shoulder.

He feels Dag before he hears her, the padding of her feet on the ground as she emerges from the bushes, the soft sound of her breathing.

Jaskier nudges him. “You don’t fool me,” he says. “You’re a big pussycat really. Don’t think I didn’t hear her purring all last night.”

did u know that mountain lions are the largest cat than can purr! here is a video of one purring. it’s very cute but also a little scary.

“You’re imagining things,” says Geralt.

“I absolutely am not,” says Jaskier. “She was practically shaking the ground.”

At that Dag actually laughs, a short and bubbling laugh of real amusement. Geralt shoots her a look. Jaskier is looking at her too, looking at her curiously, startled by this, the first human sound he’s heard her make.

Looking away from them Dag stretches out on the ground, lounging as if she has nowhere to be. Jaskier tears his eyes away from her and says, “is she always a lion? It’s just –” His dæmon pecks him hard on the neck. “Ow – it’s just I heard witchers’ dæmons don’t settle.”

He fastens the straps on Roach’s saddle bag, and his hands still. “They aren’t unsettled,” he says. “They’re mutable.”

“I don’t follow,” says Jaskier.

“They settle,” he says. “But they keep the ability to change, after settling.”

“Ah, I see,” says Jaskier, nodding. “But is she –” His dæmon fastens her beak around his ear lobe and tugs. “Ow – ow – alright – there’s no need to be like that,” he mutters to her.

“I’m leaving,” Geralt says. “As I said. Go where you please.”

The bard and his dæmon follow him north.

*

Chimney smoke rises down in the valley. He doesn’t know the name of the town.

Dag is waiting for him, draped in the branches of a tree. She’s been scouting ahead, or perhaps she’s restless, or perhaps both.

She yawns, showing off her teeth. “Did you lose them?”

“You know I didn’t,” says Geralt. He can hear Jaskier’s voice behind them in the woods, and so can she.

Her tail swishes. “Why not?” she says, and he knows at once what she means.

bouncing off what I was saying above re ‘manifestation of a person’s inner voice’. I like taking opportunities to show that a person & their daemon are 2 halves of the same mind.

“You know why,” he says.

“Tell me.”

And she says it in that particular tone, a tone with steel in it, and he has to answer. “He’s soft,” he says. “He’s young. What he’s asking for will break him. He doesn’t understand.”

“Hm,” she says.

“It’s best he realises sooner,” he says.

“You don’t know how soft he is,” she says. “You don’t know him at all.”

“You’ve seen her,” he says. “That’s what he is.”

Tansy is delicate – pretty – fragile. She weighs almost nothing. She comes close by him as few dæmons will and every time he tenses for fear that he might touch her, without meaning to – hurt her – break her.

u know that post about the person whose boyfriend was afraid of holding babies in case he didn’t know his own strength and accidentally hurt them? thats geralt.

Dag’s tail is moving in the air, no longer swishing, flicking in sharp, angry jerks. “We both know that’s not how it works.”

He knows what she’s thinking. It hangs between them, unspoken. Another little bird dæmon they had once known, a pretty, charming robin-dæmon who had melted away like smoke before his eyes.

I’ve only seen 1 daemon fic featuring renfri (and I don’t think it was strictly a conventional daemon au) and it gave her a shrike daemon, which i do think is fitting. however as w wolf for geralt I find it a bit on the nose.

additionally, giving renfri a daemon has the potential to kind of, shift things wrt the ambiguity of her character, so you have a choice to make wrt whether you want to shift it more towards ‘she’s outwardly scary’ or ‘she’s outwardly innocent’ and I went for ‘outwardly innocent’, in part so I could do this specific parallel but also bcos I just preferred that vibe.

i went for european robin bcos it’s a very nice match for renfri’s aesthetic, and 1) I’m a slut for aesthetics and 2) helps to make sure readers will know who this is about.

He might say don’t. Don’t make me think of it. But he doesn’t. This thing has been unspoken between them for so many years. He doesn’t know what will happen if he breaks the silence.

They’ve been on the road for five – almost six weeks. He’s growing used to the chatter and the birdsong. Jaskier hasn’t complained – hasn’t complained much – hasn’t complained as much as he’d expected, not even when his feet bled in his fancy shoes. He’s generous enough to share the coin he gets from playing. Geralt’s had worse travelling companions.

Jaskier blunders out of the trees. “There you are,” he says. “Trying to shake us?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Jaskier snorts, as if that’s a joke. He looks out over the valley, the distant strings of smoke hazy in the twilight. “Do you think they have an inn?”

“I don’t care,” says Geralt.

“I want to sleep in a real bed,” says Jaskier. “And I want a bath.”

“I’m not stopping you,” says Geralt.

“It’s going to be freezing tonight,” says Jaskier.

“I’m used to it,” says Geralt.

Jaskier nudges him. “C’mon,” he says. “You could use a bath yourself. I don’t like to say so, but you are a very – unusual smelling person.”

“You’ve said so several times,” says Geralt.

“Have I?” says Jaskier innocently.

“Yes,” says his dæmon.

“So I have,” he says.

“Go and find an inn if you want,” says Geralt. “I’m not stopping you.”

“Stop being ridiculous,” says Jaskier.

“I’m being ridiculous?” says Geralt.

“Yes,” says Jaskier. “Alright, how about this. I’ll buy you a drink.”

“I can buy my own drinks,” says Geralt.

“But I’m offering,” says Jaskier. “A kind and magnanimous offer, out of the goodness of my heart. And also I think it’s going to rain and I want to get in doors, so stop being ridiculous.”

“Hm,” says Geralt.

They go to the inn. It’s begun to rain by the time they reach the town. Tansy hides herself away within Jaskier’s cloak. Dag doesn’t follow them down the valley, preferring to find a dry spot in the woods, preferring to avoid prying eyes.

The inn is crowded with people sheltering from the rain; two more strangers with hidden dæmons don’t get a second look. The rafters are lined with bird-dæmons, safely away from the crowd. Sitting alone in his corner he watches their movements, the beating of their wings. There was a time Dag might have changed her shape and joined them. A space like this is never comfortable for a large dæmon.

reading back over this story I think it’s hm easy to think of Dag as the Emotionally Mature one of them but she’s the one whose making a choice to like... hide from Regular People and has been doing it habitually for a long time, either by changing her form or just leaving him alone. 

Geralt & his daemon do this for a number of reasons I think, in part for practical reasons, but also because he doesn’t want people go be able to get a fix on what kind of person that he is, and on some level wants people to see him and be immediately repulsed by his not having a daemon... this is a self-destructive behaviour that Dag is an active participant in. stop it Dag you’re supposed to be the smart one.

There’s a bard playing, raising his voice to be heard over the crowd. He doesn’t sing as nicely as Jaskier. He’s made a poor choice of song, too, a quiet ballad, one of many about the beauty of the touch.

“Her hand upon my dæmon, the first in my life – it was like roses in the summer and I knew then she’d be my wife –”

1) i hate writing rhyming poetry and i am very bad at it. got away with it this time i hope bcos this is supposed to be kind of trite.

2) this is is what we call Planting. lol.

Jaskier pushes his way through the press back to their table. “As promised,” he says, sliding Geralt a mug of ale. Geralt grunts a thank you.

Jaskier sits, and regards him. Tansy flutters down to perch on the rim of his mug, dipping in her beak. Absently Jaskier strokes her downy back and Geralt tracks the tiny, intimate motion with his eyes. “Is this it, then?” says Jaskier.

one thing I was trying to convey throughout this fic is that spending time with Jaskier & Tansy is the first time Geralt has been around someone who has a Normal relationship with their daemon (as opposed to the ‘it’s complicated’ that geralt & dag have) for a long time and he’s very aware of the contrast. 

“Is this what?” says Geralt.

“Is this how it goes?” says Jaskier. “It’s just that I can’t help but notice there hasn’t been a lot of witchering.”

“That’s not a word,” says Geralt, and takes a draft of ale.

“What?” says Jaskier. “Witchering?” Geralt grunts. “Maybe I’ll put it in a song and get people saying it.”

“Don’t you dare,” says Geralt, and Jaskier laughs a little.

“Really, though,” he says. “Is this it?”

“How many monsters do you think there are in the world?” says Geralt.

“How should I know?” says Jaskier. Still perched on his mug Tansy whistles along with the ballad. A moment later Jaskier’s fingers begin to tap along. “What d’you do when you can’t get any work?”

“I make do,” says Geralt.

“Hmm,” says Jaskier. Sensing he isn’t going to get any meaningful answers – or perhaps just bored – his gaze wanders to the bard. For a few moments he listens quietly. “Have you ever done it?”

“What?” says Geralt.

“You know.” Jaskier ducks his head in the direction of the bard.

“Been a bard?” says Geralt.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” says Jaskier, mock-stern.

“No,” says Geralt. “Not like that.”

He’s had another’s hands on his dæmon, more than once. He and Dag have sworn to themselves: never again.

“Hm,” says Jaskier. “No. Me neither.” Again he strokes Tansy, perhaps imagining it.

Tansy is still whistling along with the bard, giving the final notes of the ballad a few extra flourishes, and Geralt catches himself thinking that she and Jaskier would sing it better.

*

“I’ll be having the bath first – if you don’t mind,” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt.

“Though don’t think I’m going to let you get away without bathing,” says Jaskier. “I know what you’re like, and, and your aroma is really starting to bother me.”

“Hm!” pipes up Tansy in agreement.

“Find someone else to annoy, then,” says Geralt. He sits on the edge of the bed, still in his armour. Jaskier is meandering about the washstand, unfastening his doublet, restless as ever.

He tosses his doublet onto the bed, and looks Geralt up and down. “You’re not planning on sleeping in that, are you?”

“Maybe,” says Geralt.

“What, do you think the inn’s going to get attacked in the night by – werewolves, or something?” says Jaskier.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” says Geralt.

“I can never tell when you’re joking,” says Jaskier, and unlacing his undershirt as he goes he wanders behind the screen.

“I don’t joke,” says Geralt.

“See?” Jaskier’s undershirt drapes over the top of the screen. Tansy, perched beside it, tugs at it with her beak, neatening it up. “There you go again.”

one of the biggest (& most underrated imo) challenges when writing a daemon au is characterising daemons... they’ve got to be like, recognisably the same person as the character, but at the same time ideally their own entity with their own personality. i found Dag came quite naturally, probably bcos Geralt is a character who definitely hides a lot of aspects of his personality, but Tansy was harder.

i imagined Tansy being very quiet with people who aren’t Jaskier & also very much the ‘put your clothes away don’t leave them all over the floor’ type of daemon.

Alone – or what passes for alone – Geralt begins to divest himself of his armour.

Jaskier’s trousers appear atop the screen. A moment later there’s a gentle splashing of water. A sigh.

geralt is definitely not thinking about the fact that jaskier is undressing. nope. he is not thinking about the fact that jaskier is naked in the same room as him. this is of no interest to him at all. He Does Not Care.

“This soap smells like pig fat,” he remarks.

“That’s because it’s made of pig fat,” says Geralt.

“Well. Yes,” says Jaskier.

Tansy is looking at him curiously from atop the screen. Caught staring, she opens her wings and drops out of sight to join Jaskier.

“Does Dag not come indoors?” says Jaskier.

“Now and then,” Geralt answers, before he has fully processed what Jaskier said. His hands still on his armour. “When did she tell you her name?”

this is something I do intend to cover in a future fic but I also don’t intend for it to be especially dramatic

“A few weeks ago,” says Jaskier. “I didn’t think much of it. Why? Do you mind?”

“Yes,” says Geralt.

Behind the screen water splashes. “Why on earth would you mind?” says Jaskier. Geralt doesn’t answer. “Well – I suppose that’s another one for the list of things I’ll never understand about you – like your sense of humour, and why you spend hours talking to your horse when you’ve a perfectly good dæmon.”

an extra dimension of geralt talking to his horse in this au is that he is used to having his daemon there.

Rising, Geralt begins setting his armour on the chair. “She isn’t always there,” he says.

“Well, yes, but it’s not as if she goes very far,” says Jaskier.

“Sometimes she does,” says Geralt.

In a sudden fluttering of wings, Tansy reappears atop the screen.

“How far does she go?” says Jaskier.

“As far as she pleases,” says Geralt.

A gentle sloshing of water. Tansy turns on her perch, peering down at her bard, something wordless passing between them. “Does it,” says Jaskier. “I mean, do you – I don’t know how to ask.”

“Spit it out,” says Geralt.

“Can you still feel her?”

“Yes.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No.”

so this scene is (obvs) a kind of a call back to That One Bath Scene in canon. this is the first time they’ve been hm ‘domestic’ together and it’s a little awkward, especially for geralt, who is not used to it. all of which is in contrast with how comfortable they are around each other later.

& this is the most frank (probably) conversation they have over the course of the entire fic and it happens when they are physically screened from each other. and also jaskier is literally naked while geralt is opening up to him. this is all very notable for obvious reasons I hope.

“I see,” says Jaskier, though Geralt doubts he does. It’s difficult for humans to get their heads around the way he and Dag experience the world. Most aren’t interested in trying.

geralt here actively ignoring the fact that jaskier is making an effort to understand

He hears the water moving, and the padding of Jaskier’s bare feet on the floorboards. His clothes are whisked back down from the screen and half a minute later he emerges, his hair towel-damp. “All yours,” he says.

Geralt sits in the still-warm water, and soaks, and listens as Jaskier putters about on the other side of the screen, getting ready to sleep, listens to the steady back and forth of his conversation with Tansy. He hums, and she whistles along.

uh so if you’re an introvert I imagine you’ve probably had the experience of being Alone and Unobserved for the first time in an uncomfortably long time... i have this experience every day when i leave work fjgksfkgjfg

tansy & jaskier talk p much non-stop when they’re (semi)alone

When at last, the water cold, he ventures out from behind the screen, Jaskier is on the bed, scribbling something down in his little book.

“You can have the bed,” says Geralt. “I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Jaskier shifts over towards the wall. “We’ll both fit. I don’t mind if you don’t.” He glances up from his writing. “Though just to warn you, I’m reliably informed that I kick.”

“He does,” says Tansy from the headboard.

The room smells like candle smoke, and pig fat. The scent of the outdoors still clings to them to their clothes, to Jaskier’s hair. He sleeps facing the wall, the warmth of his body pressed to Geralt’s side. Tansy sleeps with her head tucked beneath her wing. Geralt lies awake, listening to Jaskier’s breathing.

geralt is not affected by this situation at all. he is not even a little bit uncomfortably attracted. nope. nuh-uh.

they don’t ever share a bed in the show but i gather it’s a normal thing to do in the books so for the purposes of this fic, this is a thing that it later becomes normal for them to do.

He mumbles now and then in his sleep. And true to his word, he does kick.

*

Morning comes grey, but dry. They eat breakfast in the tavern. Jaskier chatters, about the weather, the food, the song he was writing in the evening. Geralt tunes him out, and lets his eyes roam over the other patrons. His gaze falls on a pair of old men smoking long pipes. They’re looking at him, at the absence beside him, the empty space he occupies. Caught staring they look away.

Jaskier pokes his arm. “Are you listening to me?” he says.

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“I said you’re even more sullen than usual this morning,” says Jaskier. “What’s got into you? Trouble sleeping?”

Geralt turns his attention to his porridge. “You kick.”

“I’m aware,” says Jaskier. “I did warn you. Well, I dare say –”

A woman is approaching their table, purposefully, stoically. Geralt recognises her attitude. Jaskier is savvy enough to guess.

“You’re the witcher?” she says, as if it’s a question. Her dæmon, a large, horned beetle, clings silently to her sleeve.

always hard w daemon AUs to strike a balance between making it clear to the audience that everyone in this world has a daemon & including superfluous information about daemons who aren’t relevant to the story. originally didn’t include this woman’s but then decided I didn’t have enough background daemons.

this is something i actually paid a lot of attention to while reading the secret commonwealth bcos i wanted to see how pullman handles it.

additionally I think insect daemons are under-represented in daemon au fic so I have been trying to get in as many as I can.

“Well, he’s a witcher,” says Jaskier. Geralt nudges him to be quiet.

She says, “my sister has a job for you.”

*

The wind is picking up. The day is getting thin. Ahead, on the hilltop, the dark outline of a hay barn, stark and flat against the grey sky.

He dismounts, and ties Roach to a tree.

“Is Dag not joining us?” says Jaskier.

“She comes and goes as she pleases,” says Geralt.

“What, did you two have an argument or something?” says Jaskier. Geralt grunts. “Did you? About what?”

“You,” says Geralt truthfully, and Jaskier laughs as if he’s made a joke.

Dag is in the air somewhere above them. Irritated with him as she may be, she hasn’t gone far, this time. She’s watching the valley, her keen hawk’s eyes searching for any untoward movement.

He starts to climb the hill. Jaskier makes to follow. Turning Geralt holds up a hand, halting him in his tracks. “Stay with Roach.”

Jaskier adjusts the strap of his lute. “I can handle it.”

“This won’t be pleasant,” says Geralt.

“Honestly,” says Jaskier. “How do you expect me to write about all this if you never let me see anything?”

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“Anyone would think you didn’t want me to immortalise your deeds in song,” says Jaskier.

“I don’t,” says Geralt.

“It’s stifling to my creativity, not to mention rude,” says Jaskier. “And wholly unjustified. I have a strong stomach.”

Wavering, Geralt glances at Tansy, on Jaskier’s shoulder. She hms in agreement. He drops his hand. “If you’re sure.”

In the doorway of the hay barn Jaskier turns his face away and retches. “Oh gods,” he moans. “Oh heavens. Fuck me –”

“Go and wait with Roach if you want,” says Geralt.

One hand braced against the door frame, the other over his mouth, Jaskier looks at him. He takes his head from his mouth. He shakes his head. Tansy flutters in the doorway, from the shadow to the light, and resolves. She flies into the barn, up, up to the rafters, and there looks down upon the bodies.

This is where they have brought their dead, this most remote outpost of their village, with the spiders and the rats and the dust. They brought the bodies here, a dozen or more of them, and piled them up, meaning to burn them, meaning to burn this lonely place to the ground.

They’re unmarked. The air is thick with the smell of death. The most recent lies near the door, her eyes open, staring up at the roof. She’s young. Her hair is fair. She’s dressed in an apron, as if she’d just stepped out of her kitchen – to the water pump, perhaps – when she was attacked.

One death such as this, two, they’d bury. This many, in as many days, they know what haunts them, and they fear it like nothing else.

“What killed them?” says Tansy from the rafters.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He crouches to look at the dead girl, to be sure there are no marks on her, as the village healer had said. Taking off his gloves, he touches her face, tilting her head towards the light.

why does geralt take off his gloves. bcos later i had a scene where he’s washing his hands and then it was pointed out to me that he normally wears clothes and so wouldn’t need to. shush.

It isn’t his place to interfere with how these people treat their dead; but this isn’t right. There’s nothing to fear here. They are only dead. The danger, the thing that killed them, has passed. There’s nothing to be gained in consigning their dead to this bleak, anonymous fate.

A scuffling, above. Tansy moving on the rafter.

“Geralt?” says Jaskier. “What killed them?”

“Shh.”

Geralt glances up, at Tansy. She’s perched quivering on the rafter. “What is it?” he says.

“Something moved.”

tansy being a very hm fastidious sort of person translates to being quite perceptive

“I didn’t see anything,” says Jaskier.

“You weren’t looking,” says Tansy.

Geralt rises. He reaches for his sword.

The barn reeks of death. In the semi-darkness he had taken it for one of the bodies piled around it. It’s rising now to its feet, its movements stilted, unnatural. You might take it for a lumbering thing, a slow thing you could outrun. You’d be wrong.

Tansy takes flight, flashing in and out of the light from the doorway, and as she does so it begins to move, crawling forward over the piled bodies with the speed of a darting insect, snatching, grasping at the air above it. Jaskier cries out. “Run!” Geralt barks, raising his sword.

this whole scene was hard for a number of reasons... firstly i don’t know a lot about witcher monsters and spent a while trying to find one that fit the kind of scene I wanted before saying ‘fuck it’ and inventing my own

and secondly I don’t know about anyone else but uhh whenever i want a story to include an action scene in my head it’s just like ‘and then a fight happens!!’

+ w this one as well as planning out the fight i had the extra issue of, how it manages to get hold of Tansy which I. hope i explained satisfactorily. 

The sight of silver gives the dæmophage pause. It halts, its eyes wide and staring, its shoulders heaving. It’s a fluid creature and it no longer needs its human disguise. Its limbs stretch, its spine bends at an unnatural angle, its slit nostrils flaring. It has no mouth. It has no need of one. Frost spreads from its fingers, coating its hands and arms, the bodies beneath it, the packed dirt floor.

He’s aware of laboured breathing behind him. He’s aware, suddenly, that Jaskier has not run. He risks a glance over his shoulder and sees him pressed to the far side of the door frame, gripping the wood with one white-knuckled hand. His other hand is held, clenched, to his chest. The colour has drained from his face.

“Run,” Geralt says. “Run!” Still Jaskier doesn’t move, and stepping back, not taking his eyes off the dæmophage, Geralt reaches blindly behind himself, finds Jaskier and shoves him backwards.

He resists, and in that resistance Geralt feels what has happened, feels it before Jaskier lets out a pained sound, before he says, choked, “Tansy.” For it’s not the resistance of one who doesn’t want to go; it’s the resistance of one tethered, of a tied-up dog trying to run from a fire.

The dæmophage is crawling forward again, one-handed. It’s holding something in its other hand, in a hand thick with ice. He can’t see what it is. He knows what it is. “Geralt –” Jaskier wheezes, and whatever he means to say next he can’t find the breath.

There are many vile ways to die, in the world. Few worse than your dæmon becoming meal to a creature like this, the life crushed from it, your soul slowly, torturously drained away.

He takes off the dæmophage’s arm first, the arm that holds Tansy, and its whole body jerks spraying dark blood across the walls, across the bodies. As its severed arm hits the ground its fingers fall open and he sees her, a fistful of icy brown feathers, but there’s no time to dwell on her, no time to dwell on if he was fast enough, if there is anything left to save. The dæmophage lashes out at him with its other hand, with its sharpening claws; he dodges, swings, and its arm falls to the ground, cut at the elbow.

It takes two strikes to cleave off its head. Its body remains half-upright, swaying, blood bubbling from its neck. He stands over it, sword raised, breathing hard. They’re fluid creatures. Half-shadow. You can never be sure.

It falls. It is still. He lowers his sword.

Behind him Jaskier falls heavily to the ground. Geralt turns to find him on his knees, shuddering all over, gasping, but still conscious, his eyes alert. He slumps forward, catching himself on his hands, and empties his stomach onto the dirt.

“Tansy,” he croaks. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He sees her, still in the dead creature’s hand, melted frost dripping from her feathers. He tries to rise. His legs won’t hold him.

She had been in its grip less than a minute. It must have felt like an age. Geralt is surprised he didn’t faint. Perhaps he’s made of sterner stuff than he looks.

so I don’t imagine this being as much a matter of Inner Strength as much as (as established early) Jaskier & Tansy having a very close and intimate bond, which in turn is a reflection of Jaskier being at ease with himself and the kind of person he is. 

in short this isn’t a matter of jaskier being like, exceptionally brave so much as being like ‘hey! don’t you dare! fuck you!’

Stepping closer Geralt takes his arm and heaves. “I told you to wait with Roach,” he says. But the look Jaskier gives him, of mute, numb disbelief at his coldness, silences any further reproach.

He hauls Jaskier to his feet, but Jaskier tugs his arm from his grip. He wipes his face on his sleeve and staggers forward, falling to his knees once again beside her, reaching for her with shaking hands.

When he picks her up he lets out a gasp of relief – or terror – it’s hard to say which. She doesn’t respond to his touch. She lies limp in his hands.

Jaskier looks up at him, and voice unsteady he says, “she’s cold.”

*

He sets the barn alight. By the time he’s done it’s growing dark, and the wind has died away. He leaves it to burn on its hilltop, to be sure the creature is dead. He’ll tell the villagers to come back when it’s burned to the ground, to take the bones of their dead and bury them properly. They’ll do it, if not for the right reasons.

The barn is a red-orange blaze in the distance. Down in the valley there’s a chill in the air. He can see Jaskier’s breath, though it’s not cold enough for that. He hasn’t stopped shaking. Geralt builds a fire, so he can warm himself, and sets about fastening the dæmophage’s head to Roach’s saddle.

“Geralt, she’s still cold,” says Jaskier. He’s kneeling too close to the fire, Tansy clutched to his chest, hidden in his cupped hands. He’s stripped off his filthy doublet, dark with the creature’s blood. “Geralt. Geralt. She won’t wake up.”

 i don’t know if it actually makes sense for jaskier to have got blood on him but listen i will take any excuse to have him take his doublet off bcos i’m just into it.

“She’ll wake up,” says Geralt.

“Are you sure?” says Jaskier.

“Hm,” says Geralt. He isn’t sure. You can never be sure. But if it had drained enough of the life from her that she was beyond waking, Jaskier’s mind would have broken. She’d be fading away. She was in shock. That was all. She’d wake.

If he’d been fast enough to kill it, but not fast enough to save her – he’d seen it before. He’d seen men and women, their minds broken into icy fragments, spending their last days terrified, in pain, alone. Unable to understand what had happened to them. Sometimes it was more merciful to let the dæmophage finish its meal, and kill them outright.

Not this time. He’d been fast enough.

“She – she won’t wake up, Geralt, she –” Jaskier breaks off in a ragged gasp. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Give her some time,” says Geralt. He fetches a blanket, and tosses it to Jaskier.

Jaskier doesn’t take it. “I can’t wake her up,” he says. “Geralt, what do I do?”

“Stop panicking,” says Geralt.

It’s no good. Jaskier understands what he’s saying, but he can’t keep his thoughts straight long enough to act on it. His mind is clouded. Where his connection to Tansy should be there’s nothing but confusion.

this was a fun opportunity to get a little bit into how the connection between a person and their daemon works :3

“I don’t know what to do,” he says. “I can’t think – Geralt, I can’t –”

His name falls again and again from Jaskier’s lips and it carries a silent plea. Help me. Do something.

He doesn’t know what to do. Or rather he knows what he ought to do, to offer comfort and warmth until this passes, but he doesn’t know how.

If he had seen it sooner. If he hadn’t let Jaskier talk him into taking him into danger. If he’d been quicker, smarter, harsher.

Tansy will get better. Jaskier will walk away from this.

double meaning in ‘walk away from this’ as in ‘survive this’ but also ‘will walk away FROM GERALT because of this’

Tension, behind him. He feels her long before he sees her, long before she ghosts into the firelight on owl-wings. She lands and with a soft rushing of air she’s herself again. Jaskier falls silent, startled at seeing her change, though he knew she cold.

“Jaskier,” she says. “Do you trust me?”

Half-watching, Geralt sees him nod.

“Put her down,” she says.

Jaskier hesitates. “But –”

“I know what I’m doing,” says Dag. “Put her down. Let me see.” Again he refuses, a wordless stammer of protest. “Jaskier. You’re panicking. Breathe deep. Put her down.”

Jaskier lays Tansy down. His hands are still shaking, but his breathing has slowed. That’s something. “What’s happening to her?” he says. “It hurts –”

He’d known it must. But Jaskier hadn’t said so, to him.

Dag noses at Tansy’s tiny, limp body. She licks her, once. “She’s just cold,” she says. “She’s just fainted. She’ll be fine.”

The back of one hand pressed to his mouth, Jaskier sobs.

“Shh,” says Dag. “Jaskier. Be calm.” Then she ducks her head forward, and touches him.

She touches her head to his face, nuzzling him, and at that contact a tremor goes through Geralt like a static shock. It’s only for a moment. Jaskier jerks away from her, as one would if a dæmon came too close by mistake.

this scene was inspired a bit by the part in The Subtle Knife where Pantalaimon physically comforts Will bcos he doesn’t have a daemon to comfort him. Obviously Jaskier does have a daemon, but he’s experiencing her being unconscious while he’s awake for the first time, making him essentially bereft of her.

He turns to look at Geralt, standing by Roach, no longer pretending he isn’t watching this. Their eyes meet. Geralt says nothing. Does nothing.

Jaskier turns back to Dag. Her eyes are lidded. Gingerly, Jaskier raises a hand to touch her. Geralt should cry out stop. He should go over there and drag them apart. He doesn’t.

Jaskier runs his hand over her head, the touch barely-there, just enough pressure to be felt through her fur. Geralt feels that touch like a gentle nudge somewhere within his ribs. It doesn’t feel bad.

He can feel, somehow feel birdsong in that touch. He can feel silk, and music, and laughter. It feels like the smell of perfume and candle smoke. Polished wood beneath his fingers. He’d had another’s hand on Dag before. It did not feel like this.

and THIS description of what touching (or being touched by) a person’s daemon would be like was inspired by how it’s depicted in Disciples of Apollo which is an a+++ daemon AU you should read if you like daemon stuff regardless of whether you’re a fan of M*A*S*H or not... please read it it’s so good.

He wonders what Jaskier feels, touching her.

i do intend to cover this. eventually. if i ever get around to writing more of this series.

Jaskier runs his hand over Dag’s head a second time. She purrs, low and deep in her chest. On the ground, Tansy gasps for breath.

my intention here is that Jaskier’s distress is part of what’s keeping Tansy from waking up, but then as long as she’s unconscious he can’t calm down, so by acting as a kind of stand-in daemon for him Dag is helping him Chill The Fuck Out sufficiently for Tansy to pull herself together.

“Tansy.” Jaskier’s hand falls from Dag’s head, and he reaches for her. “Oh gods, Tansy –” He cradles her in his hands. Her whole body is trembling.

“Jaskier,” she says, and at the sound of her voice all of his breath leaves him, his shoulders shaking, limp, weak with relief. He kisses her, holds her close by his face. Neither of them speak.

Geralt looks away. He meets Dag’s eyes, and she holds his gaze. He understands why she did it. He wouldn’t take it back. He’d do it again, and again. He still doesn’t like it. Dag turns away from him. She lies down beside the fire.

He tucks the blanket around Jaskier’s shoulders, and Jaskier murmurs thanks. He sits. He cleans his sword. The air smells like smoke. They shouldn’t linger here, in the dark. Jaskier’s breath is still fogging the air.

“We should go back to the village,” he says.

“Okay,” says Jaskier. Unsteady on his feet, he levers himself upright with one hand, the other cradling Tansy to his chest. “Okay.”

In the village lights are still burning in the windows. Geralt unties the dæmophage’s mouthless head.

“Should we,” says Jaskier, “talk about this?”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

“You know what I mean,” says Jaskier. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” says Geralt, and taking the creature’s head he marches away.

“I’ve heard of mixed signals,” calls Jaskier in his wake. “But this is ridiculous!”

am not actually 100% happy with this part, i wanted to get this line in but i couldn’t get it to mesh w the tone of the scene

*

The village is too small for an inn, but as well as coin the monster’s head earns them a bed for the night in the alderman’s house, and an invitation to dinner.

The monster’s head, and perhaps Jaskier; Jaskier, whose boyish smile and pretty dæmon had charmed the alderman and his wife at once, Jaskier, who had come back from the hunt pale, and shivering in a way they must recognise.

geralt thinks Tansy is very pretty. that’s just how his tastes run and he genuinely has no idea that most people don’t think nightingales are like, notably pretty.

There’s only one bed in the room they’re given but the alderman’s daughter makes up a cot. He tells Jaskier to take the bed. Jaskier doesn’t argue. Jaskier says nothing at all.

Since his outburst when they reached the village he’s spoken only to say yes and please and thank you. He lies upon the bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand stroking a slow, contemplative circle on his own stomach. Tansy sits on the pillow beside his head, plucking at his hair, grooming at him like a mother cat with a kitten.

Geralt washes the dæmophage’s blood from his hands. It has dried into the creases in his palms, under his fingernails.

“Will you come to dinner?” he says.

“Not very hungry,” says Jaskier.

Stretched out upon the cot, Dag raises her head. “You should eat,” she says.

Geralt sees her indoors so rarely. It takes him off-guard, sometimes, how large she is compared to human things. The alderman and his family must have been startled, to see him go on a hunt without a dæmon and return with one, but they had said nothing about it.

i did not mention that dag is in this scene before she speaks to emphasise that her presence indoors is unusual and unexpected. i am very smart.

She lies alert, tail flicking, watching over Jaskier.

His hands don’t feel clean. He washes them again. “You’re quiet,” he says.

“Hmm?” says Jaskier.

“Are you alright?” says Geralt.

“Since when do you care?” says Jaskier. “I thought you wanted me to shut up.”

“What will it take for you to give me some peace?” he had said, more than once.

“Hell or high water, probably,” Jaskier had answered, sunnily smiling.

If he hadn’t been fast enough. If the creature had taken something that could not be brought back – the light in his eyes. Warmth. A smile he’d never see again. Not like this. He didn’t want it like this.

once again double meaning re geralt thinking that jaskier is going to leave him because of this

He leans heavily upon the washstand. He breathes out. He’d been fast enough. Jaskier was shaken. That was all. He’d be fine.

“I’m just,” says Jaskier. “Thinking.”

“What are you thinking about?” says Geralt.

“What’s it to you?” says Jaskier. A moment’s quiet, and he says, “why don’t elves have dæmons?”

this is my no 1 issue w this fic (which i am otherwise happy with), I really wanted to get this conversation in but wasn’t quite sure where to put it. originally i was going to include it much earlier, and have it be in response to meeting the elves, but i couldn’t get it to work with the pacing and i needed something for them to discuss here so. here it is. i’m not 100% sure it works. i think i understand why jaskier is bringing this up now but i’m not sure how to describe it properly.

The question jars him. It’s like something a child would ask. Why it’s on Jaskier’s mind now, of all times, he can’t imagine. “You know why.”

“I want to hear what you have to say about it,” says Jaskier.

“It’s the way the world is,” says Geralt. “Humans have dæmons. Elves don’t. Others don’t.”

“You’re not human and you have a dæmon,” says Jaskier.

“You know why,” says Geralt again. He can feel Dag’s stare on him, accusing, but he can’t help his frustration. He has the sense that Jaskier is goading him – or trying to catch him out in a lie. He doesn’t know what Jaskier wants from him.

“Do you think it’s lonely?” says Jaskier.

“Being an elf?” says Geralt.

“Mm,” Jaskier agrees.

tbqh it’s just occurred to me now as im re-reading it that part of this is jaskier obliquely asking geralt about his own feelings about having a daemon.

Geralt begins to dry his hands. “You can’t miss what you never had.”

“I don’t know,” says Jaskier. “I miss all sorts of things I’ve never had.”

Geralt waits for him to expand on that thought. But he’s lapsed back into silence. “Elves find dæmons distasteful,” he says. “It bothers them. Like seeing someone with their insides spilling out. They think half-elves born without dæmons are stronger for it.”

At that, mystifyingly, Jaskier laughs a little. “Hear that, Tansy?” he says. “Maybe I would have been stronger if I didn’t have you, like a half-elf. What do you think?”

gjlkghjklghdfj i had so much trouble w this line bcos my beta fully believed that this was jaskier professing that he was half elf so i had to re-write it and somehow at least one reviewer has still thought that was the implication... he’s 100% not half elf in this AU sorry. if i ever get around to writing the sequel it will be evident that he’s not half elf (or like if he is he has no idea) 

Tansy clicks her beak. “I think you’d miss me terribly,” she says. “Even if you’d never had me.”

His hands are dry. He stops running the cloth over them, and sets it aside. “Dag’s right,” he says. “You should eat.”

“If you insist,” says Jaskier. “Where are we going next?”

Geralt turns to look at him. He’s gazing up at Tansy, running a finger over her neck. “After dinner?” he says.

“Tomorrow,” says Jaskier. Geralt says nothing, but his silence must speak for itself, for Jaskier looks at him and says, “don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily.”

“Why?” says Geralt.

“I’m a glutton for punishment, I suppose,” Jaskier says. “Anyway. I’m working on a song and it isn’t finished.”

“Hm?” says Geralt.

Jaskier’s gaze drifts back to Tansy. “Still needs an ending,” he says.

i wasn’t sure how to end this story and this last line is very cheeky eheheh. i can do what i want.

thank you again for requesting!! i hope u enjoy this commentary. it has been a fun diversion. i’m very pleased w this fic and i love talking about daemon AUs. <3

[herefortayloronly]

evermore first impressions 12/19

i think this is the perfect use of this meme for the situation we found ourselves in once again.

i don’t really know how to preface this. it’s a freaking taylor swift album. i’m here for it!! and disclaimer: i’m not doing like an in depth lyrical analysis on this post because i’m dumb. i’m just talking about how i feel about each song. here’s the rankings because i wrote a lot and i feel bad for making you guys read my nonsense.

don’t be fool by how low i’m placing some of the songs. i love them all so much especially marjorie, tolerate it and willow. champagne problems and coney island are slowly climbing but definitely gonna take some time but all the songs i place above them are too good. also, i literally just listened to the bonus tracks as i’m writing this little part so i’m not ready to rank them yet but right where you left me is probably gonna end up pretty high based on first impressions!

and here’s a little surprise folklore ranking.

willow: i am absolutely obsessed with the piano or maybe it’s the glockenspiel in this song. i think i saw someone said, if folklore is for fairies then evermore is for witches and i think this song is a great example of that. 

champagne problems: you know, when i first listened to this one i thought of my best friend who’s in a really long committed relationship and she talked to me about how she doesn’t want to get marry yet. and for some people that would be a red flag. to be in such a long 5-6 years committed relationship and not want to get marry. but really it’s not about not wanting to get marry or not wanting to be with your person forever, it’s about the fear of the things that come after marriage. and she talked about being scared of divorce, her parents got a divorce because their relationship was really toxic and she saw how it really affected her mother. i think it’s very reasonable to have this fear about the next step of your life, i mean who doesn’t?

gold rush: i’m very happy we got a booty popping song in this album lol. i was literally thinking before the album came out, i hope we get a “horny on main” type of song that was missing on folklore. this song really delivers. And while I think this song is super fun, i can see the cynical and almost realistic side of this side. like no body wants to compete for someone else’s affection. that feeling of jealousy would be unhealthy.

‘tis the damn season: god anything with an electric guitar is just like GIMME MOREEEEEE!! Something about this song reminds me so much like a classic late 2000s soft rock song. Like the guitar sounds like something switchfoot or the fray (one of my favorite artists of all time btw) or john mayer would do but never did.

tolerate it: i’m almost sad that this is a first impression post because this song is slowly growing on me. i just think the piano is absolutely beautiful on this song. and the story of doing everything you and trying your best to be the perfect partner and you think it’s still not enough for that other person and at the same time maybe it’s all in your head.

no body no crime: i mean a true crime song hellooooooo? this is going to be an instant classic in taylor’s discography i believe. i’m a little disappointed that haim isn’t singing in the song more but i still think this is a perfect song. such a classic country pop song.

happiness: this one is probably gonna take me a minute. i feel like i’m still working through so many other songs that this song is getting put in the back burner. which sucks because i love the story of acceptance and as much as you want to hate this other person, you also want to remember and to be remembered for all the good times. and i love the bridge in this song, like no matter how many times you try to make the other person the bad guy, you know there’s no point in doing that because it’s gonna cause you even more pain.

dorothea: i don’t know why every time this song comes on i just want to put my arms up and sway. i love how it feels so breezy and easy and very relaxing. this song kinda reminds me of seven. it’s almost like hey remember our youth, remember the time when we just do whatever we want and friendship comes easy and we don’t have this cynical outlook in life. and the cynicism comes from dorothea being this big star and experiencing life outside of this town and this group of friends that she had.

coney island: something you guys don’t know about me but i love romance novels. and a lot of books i read are basically couples losing that love the relationship once had and are getting a divorce and eventually learning how to love each other again. and this song perfectly encapsulate those stories hahahaha. like neither of the narrators in this song hates each other. they just feel very indifferent about each other and wondering where did that love and magic go.

ivy: of course this song is about infidelity but i see it as a metaphor for trying to protect this precious relationship. i see a lot of similarity of this song with other songs like i know places and dancing with our hands tied. i also love seeing everyone’s interpretation of this song!

cowboy like me: best song on the album. hands down. first: the sound. i love how it sounds like it’s straight out of a dive bar. and taylor’s vocals (i feel like i didn’t talk enough about her vocals in this album), it’s so smooth and velvety. i also love the metaphor! guys i love a song that has a good metaphor. y’all know that’s why i love miss americana and the heartbreak prince so much. i love this imagery of two “cowboys” who spent their lives with the wrong people and playing the field and they ended up crossing path. once they crossed path, they fell in love. i love this song so much!

long story short: this song is so much fun. even though i really appreciate the deep and dark takes on how she’s feeling about 2016, i’m glad she’s able to kinda still have fun with it. 

marjorie: i’ve said this before, my grandmother (from my mother side what a coincidence) passed always nearly 3 years ago and she was the only grandparent i knew all my life. i have such a big attachment to her. she babysat me when i was baby up until i was 5 and going to school. my parents worked a lot so she was kinda like another parent to me. she sang to me. she told me stories. i would play dress up with her clothes. out of all of taylor’s songs, this one really hits close to home. despite this song being very sad, there’s also a sense of joy. i take this song as more like celebrating someone’s legacy and your memories of them.

closure: i’m actually glad i’m writing this part for this song after i saw the zane lowe apple music interview. i think the mentions of loyalty in the interview is also very prominent in this song and in no body no crime. they address both extremes of loyalty. no body no crime you’ll do anything for your friend. in closure, that loyalty is broken. i love the emphasis on it being “your” closure. it has selfish intent and only meant to absolve one party of any guilt.

evermore: when taylor said that joe played the piano beautifully, she was talking about this song! i was actually worry about this song being just another exile. and while exile was very good, i felt it was just another good song, like it didn’t really stood out to me in folklore. but they really switched it up for evermore. when the tempo changed, i literally thought something was wrong with the song or it suddenly changed to a different song when i heard it the first time. but oh my god. literally chills. such a great use of justin’s higher register and i actually favored his higher register than his lower. the chaotic nature of the bridge and then bringing it back down at the end really allowed the song to open up. so if you guys don’t know, my favorite collab taylor has ever done is the last time. evermore is coming for her throat!!

so to talk about evermore as a whole, i think this album has the most interesting sounds and lyrics and musical structures in taylor’s entire discography. the imagery is so visceral, it’s almost too much to handle like there’s a lot things going on. and the storytelling is just as sharp as ever.

now to compare this album to folklore. i don’t really want to Hahahaha but I feel like it’s almost inevitable when you label this album as folklore’s sister album and releasing it so close to folklore. they’re pretty on par with each other. i think folklore works as a one cohesive album, you can listen to it top to bottom. it’s also more familiar and easily digestible. evermore can be a little harder to get into despite the fact that it does have more upbeat songs. i think evermore feels like there are a lot ups and downs emotionally but all the songs convey such a strong emotion. it’s less digestible because there’s a lot of strange tempos and structures that aren’t in your normal pop songs. i personally favor folklore more because i love the simplicity but i think each song just flows into the next beautifully but evermore is still a gorgeous album.

[glimmerglanger]

17. Anakin/Ben LRPD (Anaaaakinnnnnnnnnnnnnn)

AHA I also thought of Anakin for 17 ( “Ugh, why did I eat that?”) for the meme. You know, I really intended for this to be a light and fluffy piece about Anakin eating bugs (ANAKIN). But uh. That wasn’t... how the muse took me? A mediation on how maybe some things happen to Anakin in both canon and all my AUs. I also didn’t expect this to be this long, but here we are!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, why did I eat that?” Anakin’s mouth tasted like something had crawled inside it and died, and that wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was that the nutribar had stuck to his teeth and he could still feel it. In a life spent eating foods that were strange and often of poor quality, he was no stranger to bad tastes, but this was a special type of disgusting, and he grimaced.

“I don’t know,” Ben said, casting him a look out of the corner of his eyes, before returning his attention to the crack in the hull of the older cargo ship where they’d taken cover. “I told you not to.”

“You did,” Anakin agreed, dropping the rest of the nutribar on the ground and wiping his hand on the floor. He should have known better than to eat something that had been covered in a foot of sand and that had - in all likelihood - been sitting in this ship since it went down. That could have been decades ago, based on the ship’s model. “How’s it looking?”

“Mm, I think they’re waiting for all their friends to show up.” Ben shifted back, handing their set of macrobinoculars over. Anakin leaned over very cautiously and peered out, scowling at the figures silhouetted against the sun on the far hill. 

“They have to know it’s just the two of us in here,” he grumbled, sitting back with a frown. His stomach grumbled again, reminding him that he had tried the nutribar for a reason, after all. It had been too long since either of them bolted down a meal, or even a few bites of sustenance. “You’d think they’d feel confident enough with a dozen men.”

“A pity they’re not that stupid,” Ben said, a grin turning up the corners of his mouth.

“We should go out there.” Ducking into the ancient ship had seemed like a good idea at the time. But that had been hours ago, and it had started to get incredibly hot while they waited for their friends outside to gather enough courage to charge in.

Ben shook his head. “Not with your leg,” he said, barely sparring it a look. He’d dragged Anakin the last stretch across the hard rock, after the mine took him by surprise. He’d tied a tourniquet around Anakin’s thigh with calm, sure fingers, and not commented at all on the ruin below Anakin’s knee.

“My leg is going to be the least of our worries, soon,” Anakin said. The pain was starting to creep back up his body, but they were running almost as low on medical supplies as they were on food. He could wait for it to get worse before he asked for another shot to push the agony away.

Until then, he purposefully ignored it, thinking about the people outside and the horrific nutribar. Anything to stop from considering the damage done to his limb, the words neither one of them were saying about the odds that it could be saved.

Those odds got slimmer, each moment they were trapped in the old ship.

He didn’t mention, either, the dizziness in his head, or the fact that he was beginning to feel cold all over. It wouldn’t help matters. Ben needed to keep his focus on what was going on outside, on their friends there on the hill.

“You should rest,” Ben said, quietly, reaching out and resting a hand on Anakin’s shoulder. Anakin felt the push of the Force in the words, but couldn’t spare the energy to be irritated. He closed his eyes. He slept.

#

“Here.” Ben’s voice woke him, along with a soft touch against the side of his face. Anakin blinked his eyes open. His head felt full of clouds. He was incredibly cold, despite the sweat he could feel running down his back. “Drink this.”

He drank without thinking when Ben pressed something against his bottom lip. A bottle. It was full of water; warm, and tasting of some contaminant or the other. He swallowed it greedily anyway, until Ben said, “Sh, sh, that’s enough.”

Anakin coughed, when Ben took the container away. He blinked, working to focus on Ben, who swam in and out of his vision. There was a smear of something dark and wet across Ben’s forehead. Anakin asked, “Where’d…?”

“They’ve set up a camp,” Ben said, taking off his tunic and draping it over Anakin, tucking it in as best he could. “They had sentries out.”

Anakin was pretty sure that didn’t answer his question. He stared at Ben, mind belatedly identifying that smear across his skin as blood. “But the water…?”

“Came from the sentries, yes.” Ben shifted back, reaching for something on the floor. “They weren’t smart enough to consider that I might sneak up on them in the dark. They had some rations, too. I’ve brought you something to eat.”

Anakin shook his head, his stomach roiling at the thought. “Not hungry,” he rasped.

“Anakin,” Ben said, shifting closer, and then his voice was rising in urgency, his hands were on Anakin’s skin, the world was sideways. Anakin blinked up at him, tried to think of something to say, and passed back into blackness.

#

Anakin woke up next and coughed, his mouth full, unexpectedly, of something that tasted like broth. He was on his back, his head elevated, and hands turned him. Ben said, quietly, ragged, “Force, Force, you’re awake.”

“I’m awake,” Anakin confirmed, when he no longer felt like he was choking. He slumped back. Ben was holding him, he realized, an arm under his shoulders. They weren’t in the ship anymore. There was stone behind Ben’s head.

Anakin blinked, slowly adjusting to the idea that they were in a cave and he had no idea how they’d gotten there. Ben looked… like he wasn’t in any shape to discuss it. There were dark circles under his eyes and a cut across one brow. “You need to drink more,” he said, and Anakin nodded, and put in an effort.

It left him breathing hard, just the act of drinking the impossible broth. He asked, when the cup was empty, and Ben slouched back against the wall, holding Anakin against his chest, “Where are we?”

“In a cave system I found,” Ben said, bringing his other arm up, cupping the side of Anakin’s head.

Anakin nodded against his chest. His blacks were gone, Anakin realized, vaguely, listening to his heart beat. “But our friends outside the ship…?”

“Don’t worry about them,” Ben said, heart thundering under Anakin’s ear, beating too fast. He heard it when Ben swallowed. “I got you out. And I think I managed to get the emergency comm beacon working, too, so. So someone might come looking for us.”

Anakin processed that. It would be nice, he thought, if someone were to come looking for them. “I feel better,” he said, startled to find it was true. He still felt weak, terribly weak, but some of the fog in his mind had disappeared. He wasn’t as cold anymore, didn’t feel like shaking apart. And his leg didn’t…

“Good,” Ben said, voice choked, “good, Anakin, I’m glad.”

“Why do I feel better?” he shifted. Ben felt distraught, upset in a way that always reached right into Anakin’s chest. He shifted a bit, but felt too weak to go anywhere, really. Besides, the beating of Ben’s heart was lulling some part of his brain, dragging him back towards unconsciousness.

“You had an infection,” Ben said, breath hitching, full of anguish and something like horror.

Anakin stared at his skin, at the way his shoulders were shaking, just a little. “In my leg,” he said, carefully, thinking things through slowly, as though if he tried to move too quickly, it would send him back to dreams. “The wounds were infected.” Ben jerked out a nod. “And you found medicine?”

Ben said nothing, not for a long moment, before he rasped, “No, Anakin, I’m sorry. I didn’t.”

Anakin found the strength to lift his head away from Ben’s skin, to straighten his back, the lack of pain from his leg finally fully registering as he looked down his body. He’d lost a limb before. He remembered losing his hand, remembered it in horrifying detail.

He stared, breath frozen in the middle of his chest, and said, numbly, “Oh.”

“I’m so sorry,” Ben repeated, agony in his feelings, “I should have found a way to get you out of there sooner. I should have--”

Anakin groped a hand out without looking, touching Ben’s shoulder, orientating himself. He turned, slumping down against Ben, an arm around his neck. He didn’t want or need Ben’s apologies. It wasn’t Ben’s fault they were here. None of this was Ben’s idea. He’d just… followed Anakin, into this entire mad campaign.

All Anakin wanted to do was press his face against Ben’s skin and breathe there, pretend the last few days - he had no idea how long he’d been out - had ever happened. Ben wrapped both arms around Anakin’s back, fingers clenched in his robes, and, at least Anakin knew now where the smell of lightsaber char had come from.

“It’s alright, Ben,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut, hating the horror he felt from Ben, the pain, the agony. He meant to say more, but his reserves were so limited. He fell back into glorious blackness with a feeling of relief.

#

The next time Anakin woke, he rasped, “I’m thirsty.” He was hungry, too, for the first time in a long time. The air felt cool on his skin and he cracked his eyes open, expecting the cave and getting, instead, the clean likes of a ship.

“Here you go,” a familiar voice said, and it wasn’t Ben. He jerked all the way to wakefulness, sitting up as Ahsoka sat on the side of his bed, holding out a glass of water. He stared at her for a moment, until she nudged the glass against his shoulder.

He took it, carefully, and raised it to his lips, drank it down, before he finally said, “Snips.”

She smiled at him, softly. She looked different, almost grown these days. Her cheeks had gotten sharper, her montrals taller. Her lekku fell almost to her elbows. She said, her voice changed, too, as she grew out of childhood, “Skyguy.”

“What are you doing here?” he asked, because that seemed to be the biggest question. “Where is here? And where’s Ben?”

“He’s right there,” she said, gesturing to the side. Ben he found on the next bed over, hooked up to nearly as many machines as Anakin appeared to be. “Neither one of you were in great shape when we found you. And this is… my ship. I guess. And we’re here to rescue you, of course.” Her expression shifted to the side, darkening. “I’m sorry we didn’t make it sooner. Before…”

Her hesitation brought back memories Anakin’s mind had temporarily shut away. He shifted, pulling at the blankets they’d put over him, gazing down with a cool feeling of shock spreading through his chest. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

Anakin reached out, ran his hand down what was left of his thigh, shuddering a bit. He said, feeling far away and distant, “Looks like he did a pretty good job keeping it even.”

“Master,” she said, quietly, reaching out and touching his arm, “if he hadn’t--”

“I know.” Anakin looked up at her, tried to smile and didn’t quite manage it. “The infection. I know.”

She stared at him, head cocked to the side a bit, as though expecting him to rage. He’d taught her to expect that, he figured. It was his own fault that she was holding herself cautiously. He looked away again, cleared his throat. “Guess I’ll be heading back to the Core for a while. Maybe you could give us a lift?”

“Sure thing,” she said, standing and hesitating, for a moment, before she bent to press a brief kiss to the top of his head. “I’ll lay in a course.”

Anakin waited until she left, until the doors closed, and then pulled the blankets the rest of the way off. He poured himself another glass of water and drank. There were tubes in his arms, hooked up to a nutrient solution. He carefully pulled the solution off of it’s hook, and then stood, balancing with the help of the Force.

It wasn’t far, thankfully, to Ben’s bed. Less than a step, really. Anakin re-hung the nutrient solution and sat, dizzy a bit from the effort. Ben made a little sound, questioning, in his sleep, and Anakin could see the bandages across his body, evidence of a fight he’d missed.

He stretched out carefully, Ben curving around to make space, like his body knew the position they took when asleep. Anakin exhaled shakily against the back of his neck, curling an arm around him, so careful with all the tubes attached to them both.

“Anakin?” Ben murmured, thoughts fuzzy, not all the way awake, but getting there and quickly. He stiffened, muscles tightening against Anakin’s chest. “I’m so--”

“Sh,” Anakin said, pulling him closer, wanting -- wanting things he couldn’t have and one thing he could, the comfort of Ben’s body close to his, the comfort of knowing that Ben had saved his life, the comfort of the smell of his hair and the softness of his skin.

He closed his eyes. He slept.

[nicodemusprewett]

❝ I know I shouldn’t do it, I just do it, and what you think’s got nothing to do with it. Before you were born, I was already sinning. It’s not because the light here is brighter and it’s not that I’m evil, I just don’t like to pretend. ❞ NICODEMUS PREWETT looks a lot like that muggle, LORENZO ZURZOLO, right? Only a SEVENTH YEAR student, that GRYFFINDOR student is sided with the WRAITHS. HE identifies as a CIS MAN and is a PUREBLOOD. [ BEE/BEATRICE, SHE/HER, 22, EST ]

hello !!!!!! i’m bee !!!!!!! i LOVE exclamation points, if you couldn’t tell !!!! i’m super duper stoked to be writing nico. he’s kind of the worst !!! i promise i’m a lot nicer than he is !!! and i also have memes !!!!! if you hit me with a like, i’ll come plot with you !!! also pls bear with me on this intro. there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

aesthetic: silk ties. tweed blazers. crystal glasses. lies that flow from lips like honey. a not-yet-crowned king. the glint of white teeth behind a feral smile. naive rage. a powerful glare. pressed shirts. expensive cologne. cigarette smoke clinging to your clothes, your skin. a need for fine things. lush champagne. a flair for the dramatic. a storming temper. unlimited grandiosity. chaos-touched. perfect but rotten. a disregard for consequence. boyish charm.

rambly bits: ( mentions of child abuse )

— godless hubris

how do you know yourself ? all too well. you know you are sure, you know you are just. there is nothing wrong with you — in fact, you are probably as close to perfection as a wizard could get, and you truly believe that. your blood is pure, you are beautiful, you are capable. you have no flaws ( — none that see the light of day, or that others know of ) and that’s remarkable. you are sure you are going to be known in perpetuity. your name will be next to the greatest the wizarding world has seen. where can you go from here ? only up.

— righteous fury

is your fury yours ? or did you learn it ? orion lestrange gave you attention, and to get more, you listened to what he said. you gleaned his anger until it tasted like your own. suddenly, there was no good or evil, wrong or right. it was simple: what the wraiths said went. you are not one to question something that will bring you recognition, something that will bring you power. you will do what needs to be done to ensure the wraiths ( rather, and deep down you know it isn’t and has never been done for the wraiths, but rather for yourself ).

— hapless melancholia

you remember seeing the weasleys in diagon alley once when you were young. you made a careless remark that one of the children looked quite a bit like yourself. your father gripped your chin in his fingers and made for sure certain that you knew you were nothing like them. you thought little of them again until you saw them on the platform to leave to hogwarts. there were joyous shouts and gleeful exclamations. there were multiple kisses and tight hugs — unexpectedly, your heart ached. you thought you would get over it. you thought you would grow up and grow out of these … childish longings. instead, time went on, these feelings grew stronger. you would wake up, your chest heavy, feeling a desperation for something you couldn’t buy — you wanted to be loved. you wanted soft words and softer touches. you deserved those things, didn’t you ? if those ruddy weasleys had it, why couldn’t you ? this grief over lack of affection all too often turns to anger. you shake and you snap so easily — really, it should be no wonder why no one loves you.

— dark souls, ( dark ? ) dreams

nature and nurture are curious things. your nature ensured that you crave love, but your nurturing ( — rather, your lack thereof ) ensured that you were cruel and callous. your father was a nasty man, harsh and severe, and you learned from him how to be the same. after all, your ploys for attention included acting like him the best you could. you copied his mannerisms, his way of speech. it never did catch you his fondness, but it did warp you into someone unkind and severe. despite being dark, your dreams are lighter than you are in the day. there is love and there is warmth, and things are gentle and soft. but when you wake, you scoff. you’re not sure if you are angry that a part of you is so weak, or if you are angry that you don’t have these nice things.

— bitter glory

heavy lies the head that wears a crown. that won’t be the case with you. you will wear it with ease when you are finally king, you will not be stifled. you have one goal: to be king. what will you do to get it ? anything. you will give up your chances of being loved, you will rid yourself of the chains of being loyal to anyone else. if that causes you ache, this loss, so be it. some things are worth more than others.

wraiths:

— there is something so satisfying about being in charge of all the student wraiths. it’s a taste, more like a tease, of the power he could have once he is out of school. it feels so right, so fitting. but part of the draw to the wraiths had been orion. nicodemus had hoped ( had prayed ) that the man would be something more than his parents had been, something more than anyone in his life had been. it didn’t happen, though. orion offered him power, and the taste of it melted into his tongue sweetly, and that’s what is keeping him involved. tl;dr: are the wraiths right ? who is he to say. is he going to keep with them for the time being because he’s a power-hungry baby megalomaniac ? yes, one hundred perfect.

— his code name is viticomus, meaning adorned or crowned with vine-leaves.

— he has a rune because selling your soul at the ripe age of sixteen ( maybe seventeen, tba ?? ) was totally a good idea for him ! one of the best he’s ever had ! it’s for occlumency and it’s on the nape of his neck under his hair.

prophecy:

— the final betrayer. what does that mean ? nicodemus has wondered but he refuses to say anything certain to anyone. there are seemingly countless people he could betray. orion. his prewett relatives. himself. it leaves a strange taste in his mouth, wondering  what it could mean. he doesn’t suppose he wouldn’t betray orion — for all the man had taught him, nicodemus still didn’t have the thing he wanted most — and should circumstances be right, it would be a hard choice. and the prewetts ? it could be argued that he’s already betrayed them, taking the label and beliefs of wraiths. but the last option worries him the most. it would be so easy. give up the things he wants, subject himself to a life that isn’t quite fulfilling.

plot arc:

— nicodemus knows that power is the key to adoration. now at the top of the wraiths, or at the very least, of the students ( maybe some of the adults, or at least in his mind, he is ), the lust for more is nearly palpable. he doesn’t just want it — he needs it. if he isn’t to get it, what has it all been for then ? he cannot wait for the respect, he cannot wait until his name strikes feeling into the heart of those who hear it. only then, will he be satisfied ( —or so he thinks ).

more rambles, less structure:

— can i just say: the duality of man ??? the lust for power, the need for love. these things typically don’t play together. for those who want power, they sacrifice love because the respect and fear they command replace it. sometimes being loving doesn’t command power. nico ( a note: no one calls him nico. it’s too informal, it’s too plebian, but for my sake while writing this intro, i will call him nico ) doesn’t quite understand this. he wants to be on top ( a need for a crown is overwhelming, and he’s only just begun tasting what kinghood is like, glints of power in his hands ) but he also wants to be loved. but does he know what love is ? probably not. he knows it’s in how you care for another person, a feeling that wells up in your chest, but i’m not sure he really knows how to love someone. he knows what it is to want and to lust, but love ? he’s never had it ! he wouldn’t know love if it smacked him in the face ! my poor emotionally-stunted, morally-skewed boy ! ( also i will acknowledge: the wraiths ? bad. nico ? Bad. not good people. not people you should aspire to be ! )

— and let’s talk about the weasleys ! what does he feel when he see them ? anger. jealousy. sadness. he could have been like them, if things were different. he could have known them. he could have been loved by them. and yet, none of those things are true. they’re practically all strangers, but he feels so much around them. for the most part, he hides it, behind snide words and an upturned nose. there is no getting close to them — first, he doesn’t know how to mend years of cruel behavior, but two, what if they turned him away ? for nico, feeling his own hurt and resentment as is is much better than risking getting hurt more.

— onion headlines that give me nicodemus vibes: “ i am the product of a single-nanny household ” “ wealthy teen nearly experiences consequence ” “ somebody should make a movie about my life ” “ i am lost in my own mansion ” “ report: income inequality most apparent during fifth-grade classmate’s birthday party ”

thoughts, few details:

— his parents hate each other and cheated on one another all the time as he grew up. are they a good example of a healthy relationship ? definitely not.

— he’s a scorpio. moody bitch.

— charms his hair brown now that he’s older to look less like a weasley, but can’t be bothered about the maintenance until someone points out he’s looking a little ruddy. the freckles, though ? he charmed them once and he ended up with like a thousand more and he won’t tempt fate again.

— would probably choke if someone liked him. probably ??? would think they’re lying.

— voldemort ? had good methods of control and fear-mongering. could nico be a better leader ? he believes so.

— his parents only had a kid out of obligation and not love. can we imagine the complex that gives a kid ? 

— his parents supported voldemort back in the day. they still believed in pureblooded ideals, though, and nico grew up hearing them. this meant that the wraiths weren’t telling him anything he didn’t know when he was readying to join them. 

— a note on this: orion tempted him with the allure of family. not pureblooded mania, not the scorn for anyone not entirely witch or wizard, but with family. they were both blacks, slight distance between them both, and blood together was a powerful thing. he had hoped this meant affection — he would have been over the moon at the smallest of fondness —  but it seemed ( like voldemort himself —  orion would be enthused at the comparison ) the older man was incapable of such.

— nico’s view of love DOES NOT equal real love. he’s dumb and wouldn’t know love if it hit him in the face.

 — he thinks he should be loved. like, thinks people should be bowing at his feet, kissing his shoes.  he thinks he’s more than deserving of it. how could he not be ?

— his full name is nicodemus vaughn prewett. he’s named after a dead relative. wizards love that.

[kuiperblog]

Awards that the Academy missed

Now that the Oscars are over, I thought I’d put out my own picks for several categories that didn’t receive proper recognition from the academy:

Best emotional scene where Scarlett Johansson ties someone’s shoes

Jojo Rabbit is an incredibly kind, sincere, and deeply funny movie. It’s hard to be a single mother. It’s even harder to be a single mother in Nazi Germany, especially when your son is enthusiastically pledging loyalty to the Party. Rosie (Scarlett Johansson) hates the Nazi Party, but she loves her son, and we see that no more clearly than in the scene where she squats down to tie Jojo’s shoes and explains the meaning of love. “You’ll know it when it happens. You’ll feel it. A pain. In your tummy. And in your heart.” It is a reminder of just how dependent and inexperienced and naive young Jojo is. In the lands of a lesser performer, this little speech about the meaning of love would have felt a bit too on the nose, but Scarlett Johansson delivers it in a way that makes you forget that she’s not a German mother in the year 1945.

It’s one of the best scenes of the year, almost as good as the Scarlett Johansson shoe-tying scene in Noah Baumbach’s movie about divorce. Winner: Marriage Story

Best movie where Adam Driver plays a character who loses his temper and shares a fraught romantic relationship with a woman who accuses him of being a villain

I don’t think that Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker is a good film. The sequel trilogy is fraught, and watching episode VIII followed by IX felt like watching two different writer/directors wrestle over the direction they wanted the series to take, kicking sand in the face of the audience in the process.  In Episode IX, the plot is barely coherent, the pacing is bizarre, and so many of the creative choices are baffling. Yet, the sequel trilogy has one through-line that constantly works, and continues to work in Episode IX: the relationship between Kylo Ren and Rey. By episode IX, it feels like Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley are carrying the whole weight of this franchise on their shoulders, and their relationship is one of the few things that gets better and more interesting over the course of the trilogy.  Is it love?  Is it hate?  It’s difficult to articulate, and yet they share a connection, bound by some tether of fate or compatibility or chemistry that makes a romance between the two of them seem both impossible and inevitable. Yes, Kylo Ren is a villain, but he also may be the man that Rey loves.

Adam Driver brings a truly excellent performance in Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker.  It’s the kind of performance that makes you wish he could be in a better film, with better material to work with. Fortunately, he got exactly that in one of 2019′s most dramatic scenes, in Noah Baumbach’s divorce movie where Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) screams at Charlie (Adam Driver), “You gaslighted me! You’re a fucking villain!” Winner: Marriage Story

Best movie about the culture of Hollywood and Los Angeles

Tarantino loves making movies that are about movies. He pays homage to so many classic film genres, and every bit of his love for cinema comes across in his movies. Inglorious Basterds was a film about the power of cinema, with a powerful scene coming at the film’s climax that literally takes place in a theater, as film itself is used by a Jewish filmmaker as a weapon against Nazis.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood is more deeply concerned with the filmmaking process and the people who participate in it, and I really think that Trudi Fraser (Julia Butters) steals the show with her portrayal of a child actress who, in her own way, reacquaints our protagonist Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) with his love for acting. And the parts involving Sharon Tate are purely about the love of cinema, a throwback to a more innocent time as we watch someone who loved making movies get to see firsthand the joy that her performance has brought to an audience of moviegoers.

Of course, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood isn’t just about Hollywood; it’s about the city of Los Angeles. There’s a scene when night falls and all of the signs across the city light up, and I’m left with the feeling that Tarantino really just enjoys giving us a retrospective tour of Los Angeles. It’s a joy to behold, and the movie constantly reminds you of where you are and why it’s special. It’s a lot like the scenes in another movie from the same year, where a man of New York (Adam Driver) gradually becomes acquainted with the city of Los Angeles, a place where people spend their days in their cars instead of on their feet and people constantly feel the need to remark about how much space there is. Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) discovers that beyond her talents as an actress, she takes quite naturally to the director’s chair, as Los Angeles offers her opportunities that she never could have had in New York City. Winner: Marriage Story

Best movie where the “villain” is portrayed as German, but actually the real villain is the system

1917 is a movie about the brutality of war. It is also a hauntingly beautiful film.

There is a particular shot in the movie, the first scene that takes place after nightfall, where we see flares lighting up the night as a church burns. We see shadows dance across the ground, and the score swells in just the right way, and the scene was just so nightmarish yet so striking that I couldn’t help but have a physical reaction to it. It feels like we’ve stepped into hell on earth, and yet...

So many shots in this movie are simultaneously terrifying yet magnificent in a way that doesn’t undercut the terror of war, but rather, underscores it: these characters inhabit a beautiful world that is tainted by the scars of battle.

There is a moment about halfway through the movie when the main character is confronted with the grim reality of human mortality, and from that moment forward, the specter of death looms over him. Every gunshot he hears -- and that we hear -- is a reminder of his mortality. Every step that he takes, he is surrounded by death, often in the most literal way possible as he finds himself in various settings surrounded by the remains of the fallen.

As we gaze upon fields and rivers and earth littered with death, we are left with the impression that God has given us a beautiful world, and the things that make it ugly -- the machine guns and barbed wire, the crashed planes and mortar craters, the sound of gunfire and the agonized screams of injured soldiers -- are a pox upon that natural beauty, a sort of corruption that could only be wrought by the hands of men.

War is an ugly, wretched, terrible thing, not only because of what it is, but also because of what it robs us of. 1917′s hauntingly beautiful moments give us fleeting glimpses of that.

1917′s plot is fairly minimal, but its basic construction facilitates the anti-war message: the climax of this movie is not about a soldier attempting to win a battle or kill enemy combatants, but to call off an attack in order to prevent soldiers from marching into the maw of death. German soldiers stand in the way of our protagonist’s progress, and he must defeat them in order to carry out his mission, but the Germans are not the real villains here: the true villain of this movie is war itself.

I had similar thoughts watching Laura Dern’s performance in Noah Baumbach’s movie about divorce: true, she is an opportunistic divorce lawyer. She exploits Nicole and Charlie’s pain for her own benefit, and in the end we’re left to think that despite all her claims to feel compassion for Nicole, she was really in it to win to satisfy her own ego. And yet, can we really begrudge her for what she’s doing? She’s a divorce lawyer, and she’s good at her job. It’s hard not to admire her for her sheer competence and work ethic. She is responding to the incentives that the court system has put in place. The messiness of divorce court is not the fault of any single individual; it’s a system that forces good people to do bad things, including the divorce lawyer played by actress Laura Dern, whose German ancestry makes this movie a valid candidate for this category. Winner: Marriage Story

Best movie about human parasites

Bong Joon-ho makes films in a genre that I sometimes have difficulty describing, but maybe if I do a poor job of articulating it you’ll still get the idea of what I’m gesturing at: he makes movies that are about ideas. (As opposed to, say, movies that are about things, or people, or events, or places.)  There were some movies -- good movies, even -- that, when you leave the theater, make you say, “well, that sure was a bunch of stuff that just happened.” I don’t think Bong has ever made a film like that: his movies stay with you.

Every movie is informed by the worldviews of the people who created it, but it feels like Bong creates movies that are intended to specifically communicate a certain worldview -- and yet it never feels preachy, because the stories that he tells seem so real and genuine. Maybe it’s the performances that he’s able to get out of the actors he works with, maybe it’s the way he always seems to let the camera linger just a second longer than other filmmakers would in order to really let a specific emotion hit you.

It feels reductive to describe Parasite as a film about class. It certainly doesn’t seem like we’re meant to agree with the characterization of these members of the “underclass” as mere parasites: they’re clever. They exhibit wit, ingenuity, and if they behave dishonestly and selfishly, it’s only because they’re part of a system that has forced them to be this way. It’s similar to the dynamic presented in Noah Baumbach’s divorce movie, where Baumbach portrays divorce lawyers as parasites who are nonetheless human in a story that feels incredibly true-to-life without being vindictive. Winner: Marriage Story

Best scene (that has also become an internet meme) where a character explains who is winning 

Uncut Gems had me glued to my seat in the theater, and it feels like an incredible cinematic achievement. I felt thoroughly sucked into the world of this movie -- a pretty unpleasant sensation, all things considered. Many shots give an incredible sense of claustrophobia. The camera work gives off a constant sense of frenetic energy that just makes you feel tense. The characters are all incredibly abrasive, and the actors all deliver world-class performances that completely sell that abrasiveness, all while talking over each other: no piece of dialog feels like it has room to breathe. Everything about this movie feels incredibly and unpleasantly crowded. It’s kind of amazing. It’s artfully done and incredibly immersive, but the world that it immerses you in is so unpleasant that I’m not surprised it got a relatively poor Cinemascore: this movie does not scratch the itch that typical moviegoers are used to having scratched, and in fact the main level it operates on is by making you itchy and refusing to scratch that itch. The ending of this movie is perfect, but it’s definitely not a crowd-pleaser that is going to leave you with a grin on your face as you leave the theater. I want to make it clear: these are all things that I love about this movie.

Adding to the visceral sense of unpleasantness is the fact that the film not only immerses you in a specific place (the diamond district of New York), but the perspective of a character who is pretty twisted, and lives an adrenaline-fueled life where every hour day is spent performing the incredible balancing act of borrowing money from one party to pay off his debts to another: it’s enough to give you second-hand anxiety as he weaves his way through a mess of loan sharks, trying not to lose his skin in the process. It’s like watching someone sprinting on a tightrope while juggling knives.

Howard Ratner (Adam Sandler) is a deeply flawed man with practically zero admirable or redeeming qualities, and yet he’s rendered in such incredible fidelity that everything about him feels believable -- and being thoroughly immersed in his perspective makes him deeply fascinating. Throughout the movie, I felt myself wanting to understand this character and what made him tick, and the movie delivers that in its third act with a scene of the variety that I like to call “the scene in the movie where the main character explains what the movie’s themes are.” If that description sounds reductive and dismissive, it’s not because I mean it to be that way: I love this scene. Howard Ratner (Adam Sandler) explains to Kevin Garnett (Kevin Garnett) what it is that makes him tick in a language that Garnett (and we, the audience) can understand: this anxiety-riddled thrill ride? This isn’t just the cost of doing business for him; he lives for this. “This is my fucking way. This is how I win.”

It’s a scene that’s almost as memorable as the line from Marriage Story where, in the midst of a fight between two people who are divorcing each other, Charlie (Adam Driver) punches the wall and screams, “you’re fucking insane! And you’re fucking winning!” It’s such a memorable moment that it’s no wonder that scene has become such an internet meme. Winner: Marriage Story

Best film of the year

It’s hard to overstate my love for Marriage Story. It’s one of those movies that just oozes competence from every pore, the kind of movie that makes me lean back in my chair and say, “This. This is how movies are supposed to be.” It’s so uniformly excellent that I hesitate to get specific with my praise, because while I can clearly put my finger on things that are great about it, the thing that I really love about it is all the things. I wouldn’t want to focus too hard on any one facet for fear of failing to recognize everything else about it that’s positively superb.

The set design is phenomenal. The film’s use of color is gorgeous. Noah Baumbach handles dialog in a way that makes you think “every movie should be like this.” Randy Newman’s score fits the film’s aesthetic to a T. And of course, the performances. Nearly every actor we see on screen delivers a performance that is Oscar-worthy: the array of character actors bat 1.000, and they’re not even the main event! Adam Driver gives the performance of a lifetime, and probably the only reason I’m not also saying the same thing about Scarlett Johansson is that she has to spend so much time sharing the screen with Laura Dern, who steals every scene that she’s in (based on Dern’s Best Supporting Actress award, it seems the Academy agrees).

Noah Baumbach gets great performances out of his actors, and he’s willing to frame the shot in a way that emphasizes the actor. There are so many shots that left me in awe of just how much confidence Baumbach has in his actors, his sheer willingness to just frame them in the middle of a shot and put the entire weight of a scene on their shoulders, only for them to deliver everything that’s expected of them and more. This film is beautiful from top to bottom, it has so much respect for its characters and it communicates all of that in a way that is just sublime.

Marriage Story is a movie about divorce. It has many incredibly emotional and contentious moments. If you have seen any part of this movie clipped or screenshotted on Twitter, it’s probably the scene of two characters shouting at each other, which really does feel like the performance of the year. I love everything about that scene. Two characters have reached a breaking point, and every bit of animus that has been stewing for the entire duration of their decade-long relationship comes to the surface all at once. It’s enough to make you terrified of what’s going to happen.

I like movies that make me uncomfortable. I like movies that are unsettling and sometimes almost anxiety-inducing, that have fully realized characters, even if those characters are abrasive. I love movies that are deeply immersive and pull me into their world, even if that world isn’t a place that is pleasant. For all of these reasons, if you’ve read this post this far, I think my pick for film of the year should be obvious. Winner: Uncut Gems

[auntiebioticslab]

I didn’t get any asks for this but that’s okay because unfortunately I am WELL capable of infodumping without anyone’s permission. so here’s the unplanned variable ask meme by @outervvorlds

read mores do not work on mobile because tumblr is garbage from a toilet and my computer is currently on a UPS truck to California. I am so sorry.

Basics! Name, age, personality, etc. What do they look like? Are they a new or old oc? 

Her name is Rocket Alexandria Hawthorne! Formerly Rachel Holloway back on Earth but I’ll get to the reason for the name change.

She’s extremely vague about her age (her go-tos are “older than you” and “over a hundred” which are both technically true due to the “being on ice” thing) but she can pass for anywhere between 30 and 50 appearance-wise and the timeline of her Earth memories pretty reliably pegs her as late 30s-early 40s.

She’s a really effortlessly confident and funny person, which is the main reason she could probably talk her way out of her own execution. Also because I have a disease that makes me project my brain shit onto every oc I have she’s prone to hyperfixating due to an Unclear But Definitely Present Brain Thing so she knows a lot of things about a lot of things. Also she’d never openly admit it but she’s a sucker for romantic things and definitely cries at weddings.

This is her:

Her mom was Pakistani and her father was Black but she usually just says she’s from Baltimore.

What are their attributes, perks, and flaws?

She’s got high charm and intelligence, average strength and temperament, and good everything else.

I got her up to level 30 my last play through, do not make me list all her perks. Most of them this go-round so far are buffs to vendor prices and boosts to movement speed.

She has weakness to both plasma and physical damage!

What do they believe in?

Religiously, she’s agnostic but she kind of likes the notion of Philosophism. Morally, she believes that there’s no reason for people to pointlessly suffer just so someone at the top can hoard money, and also that the colony would be better off if Byzantium suddenly burned to the ground.

...she did not burn Byzantium to the ground, don’t worry.

How did they react to becoming Captain of the Unreliable? Are they much of a leader?

She always kind of wanted to be a cool spacefarer, but she hoped it would be under different circumstances. She told ADA that the real Hawthorne was killed by marauders, offered the poor bastard some dignity in death.

She is a pretty effective leader but that’s because she doesn’t really see herself as one? The crew aren’t subordinate to her, they’re her friends.

What was their life like before being iced?

It was boring! She was stuck in a shitty line cook job which wasn’t terrible but also felt like a waste of her education, and she was barely scraping by anyway. That’s why she applied for the Hope initiative.

Did they have any family before becoming Captain? Do they think their crew as family? 

Obviously she had parents growing up; they werent as present as they’d have liked to be because Work but she never once felt like they didn’t care for her. They didn’t live to see their daughter off when she boarded the Hope, but that was because of natural causes.

She also had four older brothers! Darren, Brice, Gene, and Andre. She was closest to Andre because the age difference between them was only a year. He’s actually the one who gave her the nickname “Rocket” in the first place; when they were kids they would pretend to be space explorers and their pretend names were Astro and Rocket.

None of her brothers were on the Hope. Darren actually was doing pretty well for himself in a low-level government job and didn’t feel the need to leave the planet, Brice didn’t want to uproot his wife and kids, Gene, well...she still has no idea what Gene was up to when she boarded the Hope because he took a job in another country and lost contact with his siblings years prior. Andre had been dead for years, unfortunately, having died in a work accident a week before Rocket was due to graduate college.

It still nags at her that while she can at least assume all her other brothers died peacefully and surrounded by loved ones, she knows EXACTLY what horrible thing happened to Andre.

As for the current crew, ohhh yeah, they are definitely her family. She cried when Felix said “I’ve got a family” to Clyde.

What’s their fighting style? Who do they bring along?

Ironically for a timeline where Roosevelt was never president, she does practice big stick diplomacy. Well, it’s usually small stick diplomacy because she prefers one handed melee, but still. If she can avoid direct conflict (through stealth or negotiation) she prefers to. The only exception was Tartarus.

There’s no real rhyme or reason to who she has in her party because from a Me As The Player standpoint I just go with whoever gives me boosts to the stats I need for the quest I’m doing. Which, in practice, usually ends up being Parvati and Felix because of that sweet sweet Persuasion buff.

Is Spacer’s Choice their only choice? What do they think of the corporations?

She is...not a fan of the amount of power they have. Spacer’s Choice in particular has a special place in hell as far as she’s concerned. If you held a gun to her head and asked her to pick a favorite...she’d probably ask you to just shoot her. Or she’d choose Auntie Cleo’s because their jingle is the least annoying.

What do they think of the factions? Are they liked or disliked by any?

Rocket has to make an actual effort to get on someone’s bad side so she’s in pretty good standing with most of the major factions. She made an effort with the Board, though 😁

For her part, she’s especially fond of the folks on the Groundbreaker.

What’s their favourite place in Halcyon? Least favourite?

She likes the scenery on Terra 2 and the people on the Groundbreaker, but as corny as it sounds her favorite place in Halcyon is the Unreliable. It’s home to her, and it’ll stay that way forever.

She doesn’t hate Edgewater per se but being there fills her with rage because of how...indicative it is of the way the rest of the colony is being run.

Do they have a favourite alien creature?

She definitely has never done extensive research on the care and feeding of leather boas because she hyperfixated on the idea of getting one as a pet before realizing that recreating the necessary habitat conditions on the Unreliable was impossible, or at least way too expensive.

No, I’m not projecting the amount of times I have done something similar for bearded dragons.

Did they save The Hope?

FUCK yeah she did.

What do they want to do afterwards? - but do they get a happy ending?

She finally gets some use out of her degree; she’s qualified to be a food scientist, like a real actual food scientist, and that’s probably what Halcyon needs more than anything.

Considering a few other things that happen in the epilogue, she doesn’t get a perfect end. But it’s enough.

What do they think of the companions? Friendships, crushes, dislikes, etc. 

She immediately thought “now I’M the big sister” after recruiting Parvati and Felix, so there’s that. Probably accidentally called each of them by the name of one of her brothers a few times. Convincing Ellie that she actually cares about her as a person is her white whale of sorts, and she empathizes a lot with Nyoka given her own history of loss. Logically she realizes that Max is a fellow capital-A Adult but also she feels like she’s holding the leash on a feral dog whenever he’s with her. She likes to tell SAM he’s doing a good job.

How do the companion quests go?

Golden ends across the board, babey. I’ve never been one to half-ass shenanigans.

What’s their love language?

Gifts and acts of service!!! She always tries to play it cool until she’s ready to admit her feelings though, so there’s a lot of pretending she just HAPPENED to find this thing she damn near tore the planet apart looking for.

Also she especially likes to flirt by cooking. Even back on Earth she got into a fair few relationships by being like “hey neighbor, I underestimated how much this recipe makes, interested in taking some leftovers off my hands? ;)” when she knew damn well how much the recipe made and doubled it so she had an excuse to see her cute neighbor.

Are they in a relationship? Do they want to be?

She has a crush on a certain rogue scientist, and unfortunately for her it is such an intense crush that she actually gets tongue-tied around him sometimes, which isn’t something she’s used to and that stresses her out a LOT.

Damn now I want to write an immediately-post-game-but-WAY-pre-epilogue fic with the crew trying to get them together so they don’t have to listen to Rocket blasting classical music and frustratedly screaming into a pillow every time she leaves his lab.

How to win them over?

She likes to look into someone’s eyes and see a fire, you know? I mean this in both a platonic and romantic sense—if someone is downtrodden but still determined, she probably at least respects them.

Also if someone she has feelings for does some kind of tender touch thing like brushing her hair behind her ear she McDies. Just completely short circuits. Cannot handle it.

How to break their heart?

If she found out someone important to her was using her or going behind her back it would destroy her. Unwilling betrayals as a result of being under duress are one thing, but deliberate, calculated manipulation? That’s her absolute worst nightmare.

How did those cows get onto their ship??

She wanted to try making homemade cheese and didn’t trust the bottled milk to actually be from a cow after what she learned about the saltuna cannery in Edgewater.

Ok technically she just agreed to deliver the cows to a facility on Terra 2 after the actual ship carrying them had engine troubles on Groundbreaker but she liberated some of the milk while in transit. Not like they’d notice.

A song that reminds you of them,

Sucker Punch by Die Mannequin!

Three random facts about them.

She got that burn scar during her time on Earth. Be careful with hot liquids, kids.

She’s tall—like, 6’5” tall. People who don’t receive proper nourishment don’t get very tall so she towers over most of Halcyon.

After the events of Don’t Bite The Sun she went back to Stellar Bay and told Raymond “I’ll teach you my recipe for breded cystipig chops with mock applesauce if you’ll teach me how to make that casserole”. Good trade for both parties.

[charmers-kpop]

✨🌀🌊🐳

{ Basics }

• Birth Name // Matsuzaki Fumiko {松崎 文子}

↪Japanese: ‘pine tree cape’. This name is found mostly in both the Tōkyō area and on the island of Kyūshū

↪From Japanese 文 (fumi) meaning to "sentence" and 子 (ko) meaning "child."

• Other Name(s) // --

• Stage Name // Fumiko

↪'Fumi-unnie', 'Team Too Posh', 'Fumiko-chan', 'Fumi-zumi', 'Mama Long Neck'

• Birth Date // 10:03AM. October 28th (dd. Nov 25), 1999

↪Scorpio, the Scorpion

↪Due to complications with her mother's placenta placement, she had to endure a C-section, along with being 4 weeks born prematurely.

• Birth Place // Shinjuku, Japan

• Heritage // 100% Japanese

{ Career }

• Profession // Rapper, vocalist, singer-songwriter

• Band/Group // CHARMERS (매혹하는)

• Position // Main Rapper, Lead Vocalist

• Agency // HeartEater Events & Artist Management

• Training Period // 1 year, 3 months

{ Personality }

{+} Organized | Diligent | Gentle

• Fumiko knows that the best way to complete a task is by being organized. Planning out every hour of the day in order to get the most out of life. She finds having a schedule and weekly planning to be rather cathartic and eases her soul when she knows what happens next in her schedule. Her members often talk about their future plans casually without thinking too much, meanwhile Fumiko planned her life out up til the day she dies, and at first it's odd but the members get used to hearing her ask what's next in the schedule. She feels complete with a plan and always sticks to it like glue.

• When Fumiko has a goal, she is laser focused on it and will push herself past her own limits if it means success. She was always taught that her sex was deemed inferior in the business world so she always has to try 10 times harder then the boys, and she's willing to do that even if she knows that it's a very sexist way of thinking with a small sliver of truth behind it. Being surrounded by diligent people also pushed her limits to do everything and succeed in it, which is why she is very multitalented in various things.

• Fumiko is usually strict on herself but when it came to others, she takes on a whole different approach. She is instead laid back and more gentle, a trait she's learnt being a woman and being around sensitive people, mainly women. She herself feels empathy towards other's suffering and often is obliged to help them out and give them some sort of moral support even if she cannot directly relate to what said others are suffering about. She still tries her best and hoped that it showed.

{<} Passive | Picky Romantic | Mature

• Her quiet nature can easily be misconstrued as reserved or even standoffish seeing as she rarely talks. Still, she does enjoy being around people, even if she doesn’t contribute to the conversation in any way. Fumiko has always been a rather passive soul. She isn’t one to start a fight or an argument and will only fight back in order to defend herself. The only times she will be the aggressor is if someone were to hurt or threaten someone she cares about. She will often take a backseat in conversations, activities, even battle if she can.

• Despite all this, Fumiko is a hopeless romantic who thinks Shojou mangas are accurate depictions of romance. Because of this she has a tendency to develop crushes, multiple ones, at a ridiculous rate. This could be her peers, famous people, or characters from shows and books. These crushes are to be taken lightly though— because even Fumiko herself doesn’t even consider them serious. She is, rather, extremely picky with whom she would consider date material as she has a whole list of traits she wants in a man (or woman, if given the chance) that spans pages and often contradicts herself in her diary.

• For most of her life, Fumiko has been expected to be mature and disciplined. She is used to being treated as an adult and treating her like a teenager will likely upset her. Since interactions with children or people her age were almost nonexistent, she tends to treat everyone as an adult and is confused by immaturity. Resulting in this, she never understood the point of whining about things, petty fights, unprofessionalism or even simply memes because she's a dense as a brick when it came to those especially

{–} Unforgiving | Stubborn | Secretive

•Everything needs to be in place, the dominoes must fall according to her dictation, and therefore life must play to her liking. If Fumiko's thought through a plan, she's thought through it a thousand times and if anything fails, it frustrates her and she tends to punish herself mentally, verbally, and physically. She's unforgiving of her own mistakes and is less forgiving of repeated mistakes whether it was on her behalf or someone else she is close with. This leads into an obsessive downward spiral of self esteem. Though when it comes to the mistakes of others, she’s more forgiving for a first offense and will offer corrective help—whether they want it or not. But continued mistakes will often be taken as an intentional insult against her which will result in the most cold, awkward and silent treatment in this plane of fricken existence.

• Fumiko's a stubborn soul who is rooted in the 'this is how I do things' mindset and follows the beat of her own drum. If she thinks she's right, it'll take a lot of evidence to make her think otherwise. Whether that be tied to religion, science or just any kind of resource, you better bring a whole Illiad's worth of information to feed into this stubborn mind. Her stubbornness isn’t loud or obvious. Instead she’s a quiet and passive person who’s stubbornness can be seen in her silent disobedience or an obvious look of "I see you speak but I’m not listening."

• Despite her gentle and soft outward exterior, Fumiko keeps everyone at arm's length and holds her cards close to her chest. She's reserved with her true emotions and dislikes nosy people who wish to see past the mask. She's been taken advantage of for having a heart on your sleeve attitude and so she prefers to just keep everyone out of the loop of what happens in her mind because she deems it irrelevant and unnecessary.

{ Trivia }

• She's actually hardcore questioning her sexuality after she met the Crackheads of CHARMERS.

• (but tbh she's into those types too sksk)

• She stumbled upon HeartEater when she was looking for an entertainment label to train in since she only wanted to gain experience in producing rap tracks but ended up finding herself in vocal and dance classes, and soon in a girl group with other women. So it just happened and she took the opportunity

• Fumiko was last to come into her group as she had almost no knowledge of the Korean language but was learning day and night throughout her training period to get the basics down and once she was put in the final lineup, she didn't feel as alone anymore.

• Being allergic to fur meant that Fumiko can't go too close to Pearl's dog Theia without the urge to sneeze and get skin irritations, so to have something alive from home with her in the dorm and also give the dog a playmate, she brought her 1 and a half year old female calico Devon Rex named Kaeru.

• She found Kaeru off the side of a road in a box and adopted her when no one else wanted to just because she needed a little tummy surgery.

• She found it peculiar that someone would throw out a kitten, mind you a sickly kitten, that 1. Would be expensive to buy from a breeder because of their high rarity and 2. Would be sold at high prices in Japan at auctions, when they could be making hundreds of thousands of Yen if they were smart and chose to keep and take care of the kitten in the first place.

• She will also sometimes read her mangas and watch some documentaries as well as anime with the girls.

• She was nicknamed 'Mama Long Neck' for the distance between her jaw and her shoulders and how her short hair accentuated how long her neck was. Fumiko herself found it weird that the girls would choose something so weird to name her after, but after a while she didn't think too much of it.

• She always says that she prefers short hair as it was easier for her to move around and do things without feeling hot in the neck and back area as well as having it fly all over her face when she performs.

• She and Nerissa are a part of 'Team Too Posh' for their 'uptight' personality traits and behaviours around the group and just new people in general.

• She HATES psychologists and psychiatrists with her whole life. She just sees them as over glorified mind readers, but if she were to meet one in person, she'd be agreeing to their professional opinion because she doesn't wanna be a dick (hYpOcRiTe)

• She hates the idea of being able to read minds and body language because she's afraid of being predictable and vulnerable to those around her, which is why she keeps everyone (except Kaeru of course) at arm's length

• Favorite food: Salmon

• Favorite drink: Any kind of herbal tea

• Her current concerns: how to keep Kaeru from randomly licking the dirty ass fLOOR–

• Her future goals: to be able to produce good and enjoyable music for years to come