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theunkillablebitchseries · 5 years

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8. Pandemic + Survivorship = All the Feels

So it’s been a really long while. So for anyone living under a rock or on a game show that keeps you in one house. Here’s the news- globally we are experiencing a pandemic of COVID-19 aka the Coronavirus. Supposedly it first popped off in Wuhan, China and then made it’s happy little way to Europe, other parts of Asia and the Americas.

So depending on what day your job decided you could work from home or laid you off because you work in the service/hospitality industry (yay me) and if you are heeding the calls for social distancing (as you definitely should) you are somewhere between day 4 or day 7 of quarantine. Meaning you’re socially isolating as much as possible.

I am on day 5.

Day 1 was fine I could feel some weird anger creeping up on me I didn’t understand.

Day 2 was okay, I tried ignoring the angry but I don’t think I was doing a good job about it.

Day 3 I started acknowledging I was angry.

Day 4 I was so angry I didn’t even understand it. I thought my blood would thicken and burst out of me from how angry I was.

And it did.

Day 5 is better. Now I’m more sad than angry.

But then my angry feels sad a lot of times. I don’t know if that made any sense.

So whenever there was something bad going on in my life, it’d always hit me the worst at night. The lack of sun, and the quiet felt almost suffocating, as though there was no escaping whatever the problem was. I think that’s why when I was sick, the times it’d hit me the hardest were at night.

It’s no secret that when I was sick my most dominant feeling was anger. I was angry I was sick. I was angry to put my life on hold. I was angry that I had to stay home and kind of just watch the world go on without my participation. Kind of like FOMO. I’m finding that that anger is coming back full force right now. I feel like once again my life isn’t mine, that I don’t get to just be.

The thing is that as terrible as it felt to not be able to live my life like any normal 20 year old, there was comfort in the fact that as much as it felt like it to me the world was in fact not ending. People were still living their normal lives, many of them without any real struggles, many of them with that I had no idea about. There was comfort in thinking it’s just me. My friends were fine, my family was fine (relatively), the world was still spinning and the sun would come back tomorrow.

I would go out as much as I could when I was sick, basically until I didn't have a strong enough immune system and I was just too tired to. My outings got less and less. And I just felt angrier and angrier. Defiant might be the better word.

I remember at the beginning of treatment I went to a concert and my oncologist was so annoyed. Not smart but I was so hard-pressed to want to give up my freedom, what felt like my whole life, regardless of how short or long the time was. And as much as my sister and parents didn’t like it, I still went out. At least the weeks when my blood counts were up.

A cancer diagnosis felt like a big fuck you to me. As ridiculous as it sounds, going out and trying to be normal felt like one of the only ways I could say fuck you back. I didn’t want to die so I wasn’t going to deny treatment. Every painful procedure, poke and prod, all the discomfort, I just had to take it. Even though, I know for the most part it was done to get me well, it still felt like abuse. It might sound dramatic but it felt like I was some lamb being led to the slaughter.

My desire to just go out and be normal felt like reclamation, maybe a little reckless but it felt like one of the only ways I could shake my body and remind it,

You are mine.

Do right by me.

Stop.

Be better.

Please stop.

please.

But also going out just reminded me that it wasn’t the end of the world. Mine often felt like it was going under but at least it was just mine. I took comfort in the fact that this wasn’t a big deal to others aside from my friends and family. I don't know how to explain it other than it felt good to go out in the world and see strangers and assume (even if it was wrong) that they were fine, to see strangers and think my blood hasn’t changed anything about their lives, to assume they aren’t trapped or overwhelmed by the same fear as I am. I don’t think I realized just how damaging that time was in this specific way. Social distancing is hard. People shouldn’t say it isn’t. It’s hard and honestly traumatic. I’m feeling so triggered by this need to stay inside and illness being the constant topic of discussion.

So in the wake of COVID-19, and having to stay home to flatten the curve and try not to spread the virus and because my lungs aren’t all that great, I have felt that same sensation of doom, or not being able to escape time x1000. Because now it’s not just me. It’s my family, my siblings and parents and partner and friends and the whole world. I can’t go out and think, “that person probably doesn’t hold the same worry that I do,” because chances are they do. I’m angry at the fact that I feel like a cancer patient all over again, that so many of those familiar feelings of helplessness and sadness are coming back. Because I’ve worked so hard to let those go. And it’s just. A scary time I think. For everyone. But the fact that I can’t wrap my head around seeing this end, at least for my treatment there was some sort of timeline- this on the other hand does not. We just have to ride it out. And I’m hoping it ends soon.

And to get a little more personal, there’s also something to be said about the fact that for so long the only consistent touching I’d get would be from doctors and nurses and not all of it was pleasant. In the end it left me feeling like an exposed nerve, paranoid and willing to lash out at the slightest touch. For a while after treatment I hated being touched, because for so long it felt like I was just meat to be dealt with, with little dignity or gentleness. Socially isolating from someone that’s been providing that for me is strange and just sad.

All the resentment and fear and hurt from my time as a cancer patient is bubbling up, and I’m trying to move through it by having grace for myself, being patient with my feelings and reminding myself the world still isn’t ending. The loneliness is sharp, even with my family under one roof, it’s difficult. I didn’t expect to feel this way, like I was a cancer patient again but I do. And I’m sad about it, and angered. And very much triggered. It’s not pleasant being bombarded in your head with memories and feelings from one of the worst times of your life.

I never really know how to end posts, but to anyone who’s currently dealing with cancer or is a survivor and anything that I said resonated with you just know- I see you. I know. It’s hard. I know this time of quarantine is bringing up so much unpleasantness. Be kind to yourself. Breathe. We are okay. The world is not ending even though it feels like it is. We are still in control of our lives and of our choices. I hope we choose right. To check in with our friends and family. To stay safe and to practice social distancing. For us whose bodies went through some intense cancer shit, for those whose bodies are still going through that intense cancer shit, for those for one reason or another their bodies are fragile, for everyone. Social isolation is triggering and so hard. We deserve and need to care for ourselves and others. We are not alone, sending love and gentleness your way.

Also fuck capitalism and the mess it’s made of this situation and so many others. :)

#hodgkin's lymphoma #theunkillablebitchseries #remission #quarantine #cancer survivor #life #health #community #love #family

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newromantic76 · 6 years

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Hi Taylor 👋

This is our third and final show for Rep tour. We saw you in Atlanta on night two and my daughter who never shows emotion almost screamed “you’re so pretty!!!” during Dress. We were closer than I could ever imagine we would have been. The plan was that was our only show.

But on Tuesday , the 14th, I was having such a major case of FOMO. Everyone was posting pictures of the stadium and their costumes and I said what the heck. My oldest daughter,Shelby and I dropped everything now, hopped in our getaway car and headed for Tampa. It is a 4.5 drive from our house but we made it just as Camila took the stage.

I was blown away with the secret song. In fact, Shelby was recording because when you started playing it we were just positive it was Fifteen and that was what Meredith, my other daughter in ATL, wanted to hear. I gasped so loudly when you started Invisible. I never expected to hear that live...ever. So I left there and as we were riding home (yes we did a “day trip”) I felt satisfied with that being two shows that I never expected to see. But.... I did something bad and it feels so good! Shelby has done two mission trips to NOLA and loves the city. I couldn’t pass up the chance to take my girl to one more Taylor concert in her favorite city of the entire country. We have nosebleeds but they are on a different side of the stadium than our Tampa seats and in ATL we were on the floor. We cannot wait to sing and dance and cry all over again.

We are going to be bringing the Thug Story 2018. All we need you to bring is your amazing smile and maybe a plan to play #WhiteHorseInNola

@taylorswift @taylornation

#kristyrep #reptourneworleans

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arbs-high-quality-translations · 6 years

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Aqours at AX: A really good idea gone really bad

TL;DR: AX is a really good idea for everyone involved. Except the seiyuu. It’s terrible for them.

Never thought my next long post would be about this.

Let’s get this clear first: I’m not mad about missing an event. I’m not getting FOMO. I’m looking at this from an objective standpoint and laying down the reasons why I think this is not a good move by staff. I’ve made these arguments before, but this is going to be my way of solidifying these points and expanding on them in more than just 280 characters.

I will occasionally edit information in this post if more details about the AX live are released, but for the most part the points here will remain intact. All changes will be noted.

The Schedule in Question

Let’s take a look at what’s on Aqours’ plate for that week.

July 4: AX July 7: Fukuoka Day 1 July 8: Fukuoka Day 2

Well, you knew this part already. But those are just the performance days themselves. Let’s add in the flights if they really do a short trip in LA.

July 3: Fly from Japan to LA July 4: AX July 5: Fly from LA to Japan July 5: Fly into Fukuoka July 7: Fukuoka Day 1 July 8: Fukuoka Day 2 Already not looking pretty. What we have to also account for, however, is timezone differences and live prep. Last year they landed a day before AX. Let’s add those in. June 18 - July 2: Prep for two different lives along with any solo work July 3: Fly from Japan to LA July 3: Land in LA due to saving a day from timezones July 3: Standard dress rehearsal/stage test for AX July 4: AX July 5: Fly from LA to Japan July 6: Land in Japan due to losing a day from timezones July 6: Fly into Fukuoka July 6: Standard dress rehearsal/stage test for Fukuoka July 7: Fukuoka Day 1 July 8: Fukuoka Day 2 I can’t even figure out if it’s possible for them to do rehearsal for Fukuoka. That’s a big red flag. But you might think that if they compress the schedule as much as possible, they could possibly get to Fukuoka on the night of the 5th and rehearse on the 6th. Let’s take a look at that.

The Flights in Question

Given that these is a proper live, I would say it’s reasonable to assume that they don’t arrive the day of the actual event. Give them, at the bare minimum, a day before the event to settle down and get ready for a full length concert. No clue yet on what that means for AX, but 2-3 hours long doesn’t seem out of the question. Anything shorter and you’ve just scammed a few thousand livers.

If they arrive in LA on the morning of the 3rd (a day before, just like last time) they would need to fly out of Japan on the 3rd to compensate for timezones. Any earlier and they risk getting too acclimated to the timezone difference. Nonstop flights such as these:

seem like the best option. Not too early, not too late. They get the afternoon of the 3rd and the morning of the 4th to do anything they need. Then they perform.

The issue begins after that.

Let’s assume the live starts at about the same time again, around 6 or 7 in the evening. Add in the classic AX late start and a few delays here and there, a few delays for costume changes (it’s a full live after all) and your end time is now around 9 or 10. But we have VIP! Surely we’ll get some event for that. Add another hour, taking us to 10 or 11 before their performance obligations are even done.

Change and go straight to LAX. Surprise! It’s July 4th. Americans will know how awful the traffic is. The 20 minute drive from Microsoft Theater over to LAX is now possibly double that. The absolute earliest that Aqours can arrive at the airport is 11 PM.

Wait a second...

It’s impossible for them to fly out of LAX on the night of the 4th. They certainly can take that 1:20 AM flight in the early hours of the 5th, though. Assume they take that. Now we’ve arrived at Haneda airport in the early hours of the 6th, but that’s not where our event is. Take another flight to Fukuoka out of Haneda. Those are pretty easy to come by, but they could arrive in Fukuoka at mid-day at the earliest. Now we have another half-day on the 6th, and another half day on the 7th. Then two full days of lives.

I don’t care how superhuman you are. Three flights in three days, with two of them international, by itself will already fuck your body up. I’ve done it a few times going from Kuching to San Francisco with three flights, and it is absolute hell. And that was during summer break, when I was just being a fat fuck and sitting around doing nothing. The seiyuu have to perform three full concerts with this schedule. I’m just reading it on paper and I already don’t want to do it.

There is, however, one way to make it all more possible.

The Setlist in Question

There are two possibilities for the AX setlist: either perform older songs or perform 3L exclusives. Historically, we’ve trended towards the former. Don’t ask me why they do it, but they do. But now the seiyuu have to practice two completely different setlists, with potentially 30-40 different songs to practice for that week of lives. I doubt the number will get that big due to overlap, but you can see how this can go wrong very quickly.

Alternatively, they can perform a bunch of songs from the 3L setlist. Since they’ve been performed already, they’re mostly fair game for international lives. But this is unexplored territory. The only historical event we can look to HPT is at Anisama in the middle of 2L, and that’s a completely different beast from what we’re talking about here. And even with an AX setlist that borrows heavily from 3L, the travel and scheduling issues still stand.

B-b-but arb! You just showed us that it’s possible! It’s not overwork! Other idol groups do this all the time!

Just because other groups do it doesn’t make it any better. We’ve seen the effects of overworked idols (remember Keyaki at Kouhaku?) and it’s definitely not pretty.

The Benefits in Question

Of course, there are benefits to growing a fanbase and bringing more events to international fans. I’m all for growing the community here in NA (with a few exceptions; you know who you are). More livers are always welcome. It makes everything more fun.

But for the companies, what expansion boils down to is pure revenue. In the long run, this makes money for Lantis, for Bandai, and for everyone involved. Is the revenue and growth really worth putting your cash cow franchise’s members through all of this? If the answer is yes, then I have serious questions that I want to direct at management.

There’s nothing I can do about all of this. It’s a decision completely out of my sight and out of my hands. If staff thinks this is okay, then I’ll let them be the judge. But I’m not going to be quiet.

Edit Log: Turns out Bushiroad doesn’t make money from the event. Bandai does, though.

#aqours #anime expo

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roguestarsailor · 2 years

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The shows itself is not terrible! Vegas is quite organized in the way it needs to be here. I am still upset with how much I’ve spent and it’s wild to me the one who booked the spot did not even know how the lay of the land is versus the other folks have been to Vegas and were dragging their feet at planning so we all booked this place that’s so far from the action, so inconvenient in every single way.

I’m upset about this group dynamic. I actually wouldn’t mind spending time as a group more but the girl who asked me to come on this trip with actually hates them or at least want to minimize interaction with them (ask me why she said yes in the first fucken place!!). My confession is that I am making excuses to her so that I can spend more time with them. I’m sorry but I’m really tired of this shit and her company. Which is mostly complaining about everyone in the group and the absolute chore of having to hang out with them (ask me why she said yes in the first place!!!). I’m jealous but also a bit annoyed with how loud her voice is and it seems when she’s nervous is gets louder.

This hotel room is stupid as shit. Everything here is luxury wannabe. The toilet is a fucken closet and the walls are so so so thin — every sound is amplified! I am sharing the room with the girl and she won’t ever leave the room to hang out with the others so I will never be able to poop in peace! The ceiling fan is drying out my eyes and I’m cold as shit but she needs the room to be subzero to sleep. The shower is completely glass and they decided to put a window on the wall that divides the bathroom and the bed so everyone can see who’s showering?? Sexy for couples I guess????? Every single thing in this room screams McMansion chic but somehow very appropriate for Vegas.

So talking to some of the Lyft/Uber drivers and any stranger I’ve spoken to here, I always ask what’s your favorite thing about Vegas or what do you like about living in Vegas. The best answer is this guy who was born in “chicago” (Des Plaines) and moved out when he was young to LV and then moved back there for a year or two and then left again to permanently reside in Vegas tells me that he loves that there’s so much to do in LV, can easily drive across LV in 40 min to 1hr, can easy drive anywhere, loves the heat and sun all year round, can tan all the time and can afford a home. Which I’m like sir you get that and more in chicago (maybe less about the housing part and heat) but I didn’t want to say if your metric for living is Des Plaines, IL vs LV then of course LV is gonna sound great. Since I didn’t grow up with cars being so casually used, I don’t understand how people complain about being in the cold and yet love the heat but just constantly drive around to get anywhere. The only pleasant time they spend in the heat is their backyard or by the pool. There’s no way they are ok with spending time in the heat doing anything; it’s just lazing around or driving a car around (idk can’t be me personally)! Anyways, didn’t sell me on this desert hellscape.

I said my goal was to say no more and prioritize my feelings over others at my expense and my energy. But I failed those two goals so fucken hate. I’ve never regretted my decision so much. FOMO? Fear of not living my life? Felt bad for that girl who didn’t know anyone else going? Ok I said yes because of BTS concert but tell me why I didn’t do my own research. It BTS didn’t happen, I would have been here and I think it would have been the absolute worst.

I genuinely enjoyed yesterday more though. Living on the strip would have made it easy to get to the main attraction. It will cost more for room but potentially easier to get anywhere. Might honestly even out the same as how much we’re e spending doing rideshares everywhere. The performances were amazing. Well chippendales were meh and I didn’t particularly enjoy it (the men can’t really dance, they just grind of things to loud music, but excellent male form from behind tho). BUT BTS AND JABBAWAUKEES WERE SO GOOD! Genuinely had such a good time and it was so so good! Mob museum was really cool but gruesome in a way that made me feel heavier and nervous as I moved through the gallery. Fremont was a lovely place and I would have much rather stayed there the entire time. Felt less screaming for your money but the lack of shade was disgusting!! Anyways, it’s not all negative but I am afraid of the bill that’s coming soon. I’ve never been more excited to get on an airplane to leave though.

#amandathoughts #my souvenir here is most definitely gonna be covid #i wore my mask for the most part #it feels silly to wear it that much when the group didn’t wear it #so if one of us catches covid then it will spread to all of us anyways #i hate it #las Vegas #travel

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achrafchachi · 4 years

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30 Things Every Man Should Do Before Turning Thirty

Become financially independent

Arguably, this advice is hard to appreciate, given how fully we as a generation have been impacted by the actions of the previous, but no pain, no gain right?

If you haven’t already, get out from under your parent’s feet. They may say they “don’t mind” giving you a helping hand, but you should.

2Have some discretion

Maybe don’t broadcast every thought you have on Facebook. No one cares. No one has ever cared.

We don’t need a thousand updates on the status of your relationship, selfies,

or musings on how much of a “geek” you are. Uploading 400 photos in an album titled “last night” is not a great use of time.

3Travel

On that note, you’ve heard it a million times, but travelling will open your eyes.

Don’t hit up KFC first thing when you get to where you’re going, be respectful and willing to learn. You’ll come back appreciating home much more, too.

For inspiration, check out the 28 Places Every Man Should Visit In His Lifetime.

4Be able to call it a night

OK. Unless things are going well with a little cutie, you don’t have to stay up until 4am just for the sake of it.

The most mature thing someone can do is to say, “right, I’m off,” and then actually leave.

Most parties tend to suck after a certain point anyway, so try and find the peak point of a given night, and then make your move.

5Learn to live with other people

College is the time to do this, and then maybe a couple of years after when you’re figuring out what to do with your life.

You’ll make horrible choices regarding roommates (if you even get to choose) and in the inevitable crises (rising damp, friends not paying rent) that follow, you’ll be sure to learn a lot about yourself.

On that note…

6Ditch bad friends

I had a friend who used to literally scream at me when I told him I was trying to quit smoking, because he needed someone to validate his own choices.

This man was not a good man. Luckily, bad friends tend to weed themselves out. You might end up with no one beside you at times, but that’s okay, it happen to all of us.

In that case…

7Learn to live with yourself

When you were younger, you probably had serious FOMO. If you don’t know what that means, you’re too old to worry about it. But getting older means not having to be where the party is, at least not all the time.

Get to know yourself or you’ll be running around chasing other people forever.

8Put Yourself Out There And Attempt To Fall in love

It could be a five year relationship, it could be a wistful look with a colleague at work. Hopefully it takes more than a look.

Falling in love with someone is so wonderful and horrible, so nerve-wracking and yet so becalming that you’ll hate yourself for having done it sometimes. But it’s the best thing in the world for reminding yourself you are still human.

9Get your heart broken

Same sort of thing, really.

Could be big (a broken engagement), could be small (the girl whose name you don’t know turns up at the bus stop with a man by her side), and while it may sting like crazy at first, you’ll be grateful for the trouble in the long run.

10Give good/bad advice

I once volunteered to teach DIY at a charity, and school children would ask me, a 23 year old, for advice.

Did I give good advice? Hell no, I was a mess. But it felt nice to be asked, to impart whatever existential crisis I was having at the time, and how best someone can avoid it.

11Be a Role Model To Someone Younger Than You

You may be a younger member of a family, and therefore your siblings, or your cousins may started having kids of their own.

The best kind of kids, you’ll find, are the ones that aren’t yours. You get to be the cool and fun uncle who everyone loves, but as soon as they poop themselves or start crying, you can hand them off back to their mom/dad like you’re the star quarterback.

12Find your passion

It could be anything. Love playing sports? Love talking about sports? Love inventing new sports?

Go ahead, do these things. And do them as best as you can. You literally can’t be wrong. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere, it can just be for you, an ocean of calm in the sea of madness that is life.

13Make/Buy/Own something that is Yours

It could be a nice suit, or a house, or a set of pristine fire pokers from the 1800s.

It could even be a song you’ve written. It can just be yours, to be passed down, or shared with future generations.

14Have your own place to call home

Nothing will bring you back down to Earth quicker than talking a big game to your friends, and then coming back to a nice cooked meal from your mum before you sleep in your childhood bed (shaped like a racecar).

Get out of there, soldier. Your parents may not be too happy about the empty nest, but in the long run they’ll thank you (from some booze-cruise in the Bahamas).

15Volunteer

As much as we’ve talked about accumulating things and experiences, giving things back every once in awhile is incredibly rewarding too. Do you have any skills, or are you just good with people? If you have the time, do this.

16Help someone move

In life, only three things are certain: death, taxes, and being asked to help someone move.

This goes double, if not triple, if you own a van. Get ready for it, because it will happen. However, it’s a great thing to do for someone, and you’ll need someone’s help in the future too. Pay it forward.

17Begin to enjoy the finer things

Those 5 cent packets of ramen noodles got you through a lot of late nights at college, I’m sure, but as you reach the big 3-0, you would do well to try a little harder at life.

18Learn to cook one meal that is impressive

It doesn’t have to be a signature dish of your own concoction, but if you can make a decent meal and present it nicely you’ll always be welcome at a grown-up house party.

19Live in another country

Bonus points here if you manage to do it without yelling about how “cultural/spiritual/political” it is.

Knuckle down, get some friends who aren’t like you, and integrate for a bit. Learn the language. Other countries have a lot to offer beyond “not being America”.

20Appreciate art

Like you perhaps, I once did not “get” art. I once walked around a modern art museum with a friend complaining loudly like I was the coolest, most original person on earth.

Along with your newfound appreciation for being a modern, mature gentleman, it’s important to learn that a lot of art is designed to spark a conversation, so what parts of it don’t you like? What issues do you have with it? Besides, there are so many amazing pieces out there, can you really ‘not like’ all art?

21Go through a crisis

“Why do we fall, Master Bruce?”

In these moments, you will find out who your truly are, and you don’t need a sad, cockney butler to help you do it. When life is good, it’s very hard to make adjustments for your own issues. Only when you’re on the floor, getting kicked when you’re down, can you find the strength within yourself.

22Learn basic DIY

You don’t need to have a toolbelt or an extendable ladder, you don’t even need to strip the walls of every house you move into or grunt approvingly when you see a hardware commercial on TV. Just be able to put a shelf up straight.

23Learn basic car maintenance

On a very similar note, the time to get over your fear of looking under the hood of a car is definitely before 30. Don’t tear the wheels off or adjust your power steering, but definitely check the oil and maybe learn a little bit about using jumper cables.

24Learn how to use the washer and dryer

You can’t keep making your laundry someone else’s problem, or – ugh, never doing it at all.

Figure out your clothes, make some time every week or two, and just get it done. If you don’t like separating our colours and whites, just put it all in at 40 degrees and let God sort it out. If it doesn’t survive, it wasn’t meant to be.

25Stop worrying about your purpose

I don’t think anybody really knows what their purpose is.

We spend so much time worrying about it, when these things tend to come to us when we least expect it. Do things you love and you’ll eventually realise you found it a long time ago.

26Break the bad habits

Want to stop smoking? Want to get a little time off the internet? Eating nothing but junk food? Make a concerted effort to stop before you turn 30 (as in several years before this, not when you are 29 and 364 days) or you may find some things too hard to kick.

27Start exercising

While kicking bad habits, it’s also a good idea to develop brand new good ones. Exercise will keep your aging body (sorry) fit, release all kinds of good chemicals, and give you a brand new thing to go on and on about.

Don’t like running? Download Pokemon Go and do some walking or something.

28Open up your worldview

Typically, people tend to get more conservative as they get older, and thus we find ourselves in a position where a cranky, scared older generation is running the world and ruining it for the rest of us.

Break the trend: read widely, be skeptical of news outlets, be compassionate to your fellow man.

29Try anything you like

You’re still young enough to pretty much give anything a go and not be too worried if you’re terrible at it.

The sky is still very much the limit, and before you’re 30 you’ll find you have much more time to do it.

Do your best, but laugh it off if it doesn’t work.

30Realise that you can’t do everything

I read a cushion cover the other day that said, “Only children think they can do everything,” and it stopped me in my tracks.

Mostly because it seemed like an incredibly depressing message for a decorative item, but also because I realised I agreed, I just didn’t know it until then. It’s fun to try things, but eventually, you must settle down, focus, and excel at your best qualities.

There you have it, guys. I hope at the very least this has added an idea or two to your bucket list.

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niamhmedialogs · 4 years

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Dear Instagram,

There is no easy way to say this, but I think we should break up. Our relationship is not healthy, I depend on you too much. So much of my time is wasted on you. Hours of my life scrolling and scrolling till my thumb cramps up. Even after all those hours, I realized I don't even enjoy it. I feel like when I'm with you my mind turns off. I’m cut off from the world around me but you create the illusion I'm more connected. Sure I can see what my friends from across the world are doing, but do I really need to see what they had for breakfast in the morning? Do I need a constant reminder of what everyone is doing at all times? What concert they went to, pics of their last vacation, or their favorite iced coffee spot. Why do I need to remind people of what I'm doing at all times? What value does this really have? And is it healthy for me to be seeing people’s ‘perfect’ lives constantly? Because honestly after hours of looking at this content, I will not remember a single thing I saw on the app. I only feel bad that my life isn’t as ‘perfect’ as the people I follow. It’s annoying that I still feel this way knowing it’s all a construct and I shouldn’t give Instagram that much value in my life. I should seek happiness elsewhere and not seek the validation that I am having just as much fun as everybody else. This constant cycle of knowing it's a construction but forgetting as soon as I click onto the app is infuriating. I keep saying I’m going to delete the app and somehow I never do. Whenever my mind goes blank I find myself scrolling. I don't even remember clicking on the app, but somehow I'm drawn back to you. You are aware of how much I need you. You are designed to be like that. You are designed to get people addicted. We get the attention we crave on the app. Feeling bursts of happiness when we get a like, a follow a comment. When you think about it it really isn't anything. That little has no value, but somehow we have given it one. It gives us sweet validation after posting, the validation we are loved and people care. In reality, no one really cares about your last post. We are trapped in this social media bubble, cause as soon as you delete it you feel even worse. You feel like you are missing out on all of the parties, the group chat convos, everything that makes you feel connected is lost once you delete the app. ‘Fomo’ and validation is what fuels you. The saddest part is even though I say we will break up, deep down I know I can’t leave you.

Unfortunately yours, Niamh

https://www.businessinsider.com/psychology-of-why-instagram-is-addictive-2014-11

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harry-writings · 7 years

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:( i have a bad case of fomo bc i couldn’t get to to H’s show tonight. i’m thankful for all I have but like i hate that all my money has to go to bills. i couldn’t even get tickets because i knew i couldn’t afford it. I tried winning radio contests but i had 0 luck and i know it’s a silly reason to be so down over but i’m literally tearing up writing this because of how sad i am. i know he’ll do more shows but what kind of fan am i if i can’t even afford to support him on his first solo tour?

How much you’re a fan of someone is not defined by how many concerts you go to or how much money you have to see him.Being a fan is wild, considering everyone is a fan in their own way and does everything a bit differently, but in the end, we are all in this together. We are all fans who support the same man.Of course, it’s going to hurt having to watch people follow him on tour, or see him live, or meet him a couple times because you can’t be them, but that doesn’t define how much you love and support him. Nothing you do is any less valuable than what others do. Being there for him - loving him and supporting his decisions will always be enough. Nobody can tell you or prove you differently because he needed YOU to get to where he is now. He needed you, he needed all of us.Never discredit yourself as a fan or what role you play in Harry’s life. You’ve done so much by just doing what you have been and it’s enough. I promise you that 💘Everything happens for a reason, and I’m so sure you’ll get your Harry moment one day. I promise you will 💘 Always have hope. I love you x

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debtfreeinthree · 7 years

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Is FOMO Wrecking Your Finances?

A few weeks ago, I sent an email to my subscribers about my new garden and how planting a vegetable is like building a budget. It takes time, daily care and fixing problems when they arise. Budgets are like gardens. If you ignore the first sign of bugs, the next thing you know, your garden is infested.

I asked people to respond to my email with their budget challenges. One woman replied:

“Having a boyfriend ruins my budget! We always want to go out and do fun things. We try to live in the moment and are big believers of ‘You only live once’…but that mentality kills my budget a lot.”

As soon as I saw her email, I heard myself say, “Me too.” Even though I write about personal finance for a living and paid off my student loans early, I still struggle with that FOMO mentality. How do you pay off debt, live frugally and not miss out? Fortunately, I’m not alone.

New studies from Dartmouth College and the University of Southern California shows that consumer debt levels are rising and some researchers are attributing that to an onslaught of FOMO or fear of missing out.

People see their friends living it up on social media, and they don’t want to feel left out. People are financing their experiences, like eating out or going to concerts, instead of saving for them or paying for them in cash. And all that spending is leading to debt that will likely take years to pay off.

How FOMO Can Delay Paying Off Debt

In college, I was the girl who constantly ordered take-out and went shopping when I was bored. I bought pizza and Chinese food even though I had a meal plan through my dorm. I said yes to concerts, movies and restaurants.

During a summer internship in New York City, I splurged so much that sometimes I’d eat out three times a day. Yes, I ate out for every single meal. That summer I lived as large as I could, even though I knew I’d graduate with student loans. I didn’t really think about what it would be like to pay them back.

After graduation, reality sank in. First, I graduated and got an unpaid internship at a magazine. I also landed an hourly gig doing market research, but my hours were often cut and I earned a lot less than I originally budgeted. When the internship ended, I moved back home until I finally found a full-time job at a newspaper. A month after I started work, the grace period on my student loans ended and the “real world” officially began.

When I first started paying off my student loans, I felt a lot of FOMO. Remember, I was only making $28,000 a year. After my $550 rent and my $350 minimum student loan payment, I had little left over for anything else. I was depressed, lonely and living in a town of 30,000 people. Plus, I had no money to cheer me up.

It sucked. Suddenly, going out to eat was a huge decision and paying for a manicure was like buying a Rolls Royce. Buying new clothes, without a special sale or discount? Yeah, right.

How I Dealt with the FOMO

I’d love to tell you that I got over myself and happily embraced a life of frugality and minimalism. And I did. Sort of. But I also struggled for a while. I was so jealous of everyone who didn’t have student loans or wasn’t concerned about paying them off early. I judged them so hard. “Must be nice to be living in denial,” I thought. I know, I’m a total bitch sometimes.

I felt so much FOMO when I was paying off my student loans. I decided to avoid going out to eat, which made me a pariah in some circles. Once, a boss asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch with him and a few other coworkers. I declined like I always did. He then got defensive and said, “Don’t you ever have fun?” I was confused where this came from.

I realized later: when you say no to an activity or decision that someone else has said yes to, you can make them question their own choices. When I say no to lunch or shopping, it might make someone feel like I’m judging their decisions. I’d then feel guilty, like I was doing something wrong.

Remind yourself, “I’m not doing this because I’m choosing to pay off my loans.” We let ourselves feel bad when we feel out of control, when the choice is out of our hands. But it’s not. We’re consciously choosing to avoid doing something in order to have more money to put toward our debt. That’s a choice – and an empowered one at that.

It was worth giving up all those things to pay off my student loans, but here’s the thing: I still feel FOMO even now.

Why I Still Feel FOMO Now That I’m Debt Free

A few weeks ago, I went out to brunch with one of my best friends who was visiting me. I started looking around at all the girls in the restaurant. It seemed like everyone besides me was wearing a trendy outfit, while I was wearing shorts and a t-shirt that I bought years ago. No high-waisted shorts or off-shoulder tops for me.

I looked around at the cute girls as I lamented the state of my wardrobe. Nothing I own is currently trendy, and even though I work at home and rarely need to dress up, I still felt left out. Rationally, I know that I could buy one of those crop tops if I felt like it, but I don’t need one (or even want one).

I don’t have any miracle solutions to this problem except that you have to acknowledge what you’re feeling. I learned this during therapy: when you feel crappy or weird or anxious or sad, write down what you’re feeling, what the situation is, how rational your reaction is and what a logical solution is. This is known as cognitive behavioral therapy, and it teaches you that you can’t shift what you feel, but you can change how you react.

For example, I’d write down that I’m in the middle of an ice cream parlor watching the people around me. I’m feeling ashamed because I’m not wearing makeup, haven’t showered in a couple days and am wearing an uninspired outfit of old Nike shorts and a black tank top. I’m feeling like I’m “less than”, because these other girls have perfect messy buns and dresses that they clearly bought in the last three months.

But as I sit here now in my house, I remind myself that when I want to, I can look as fashionable and cute as these other girls, but sometimes I don’t feel like putting on an outfit. Unfortunately, I do care what other people think, and I’m also concerned that everyone is judging me.

It’s easy to feel comfortable in your own house, where no one is judging you for eating leftovers and wearing t-shirts with holes in them. But out in the real world, it’s hard to feel secure in your choices.

You’ll feel FOMO a lot when you’re in debt, but you’ll also feel it after. FOMO is a state of mind, that without that cute new dress or perfect Instagram photo, you’re not as worthy as someone else. I feel FOMO because I haven’t mastered Snapchat, because I have a sunburn instead of a tan and because I’m shocked that even my poorest friends seem to have more stylish clothes than me.

FOMO is about comparing yourself to others and feeling worse off. It’s about looking at everyone around you and seeing their worth as a judgment against you. It can also go the other way. I know I feel smug sometimes when people talk about their lack of retirement savings. I’m just as judgmental about other people as I worry that others are.

I haven’t cured my FOMO feelings (obviously), but I am talking about them and journaling in my diary. And maybe one day I’ll feel less concerned about what others aren’t or are thinking about me.

Do you have FOMO? How do you balance living in the moment and living on a budget?

Is FOMO Wrecking Your Finances? was originally published on Debt Free After Three

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asplashofvodka · 7 years

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B.A.P. Party Baby NYC 2017 Fan Account

So it’s like 80 years late buuuuutttttttt I figured I might as well write down this fan account to continue with the tradition. I’m going to put concert, hi touch, and photo together into one. Gifs and photos included, pray for your internet.

Alright, so I came into the city late the night before the concert and met my 2 friends for a relaxing night. Sadly I had to work that day so I missed some of the earlier fun. We stayed near Grand Central for a change this year. We hung out in the lounge of the hotel for a while and just joked around most of the night, a much needed precursor from what was gonna be the day from hell.

So while we enjoyed our night for bit we actually had two of our friends lining up before us that we were planning to join a little after midnight. When we were just about to leave she actually called us and told us that security had made them all leave because it was too cold and they didn’t want anyone getting hurt or anything. It was nice because it was FREEZING that night, and if you’ve never been to Terminal 5 it’s right near an underpass and next to the water, not the best combo for camping out.

SOOOOOO onto show day!!!!

We lined up around 6 a.m. … we gave our friends a break since they stayed out. Steph, Megan and myself were nice enough to bring hot packs for majority of the line cause everyone looked like a popsicle. After the line was split up we actually got lucky enough to be interviewed for the Fomo Daily video, thank god a lot of the awkward stuff got cut out. <_< 12+hours in line wasn’t so bad for the simple fact all of our friends were in line with us.

So fast forward to concert time.

Our view.

Real life right here. I’ve never been this close for a concert of a group I hardcore stan. So although we were in the corner of the stage we had… an eventful, let’s say, evening.

I have to give props to the DJ B.Shoo cause he just had to go and pull out songs we weren’t expecting. I honestly can’t even remember what the song was but all of the people in my section were LIT. There was actually a staff… possibly manager standing there and he started to record the crowd. Where that video went, the world may never know. So he leaves after he records and then another Korean staff member shows up and stays by the curtain we’re in front of. Normal enough… or so we thought.

The DJ’s set ends and the intro video starts playing. Cue all the craziness and excitement. While everyone is going insane over the video, my friend Megan and I both notice people appearing one by one behind this curtain and we start to lose our shit. Honestly, it was like, “Oh, I think I see someone behind there… oh look two more… SHIT THERE’S 5 OF THEM…6 NOW!” All while this staff member is laughing at us.

First song was the Hurricane Remix. I’m not a huge EDM/House person so I can go along and tolerate it. Lol

Next was BADMAN. BITCH YES. JUST YESSSSS. This remix is still hands down my favorite. I was hoping they were all gonna hit the choreography flawlessly like last time but alas Himchan. First he was too early and then completely forgot what the hell he was doing and actually slipped off stage while laughing at himself. LMFAO Jongup and Zelo still killed that choreo IDGAF!

After that was No Mercy and BANGX2. I honestly couldn’t even tell you what happened during this cause I was too hype. The only thing I remember was the long ass staring contest Daehyun and I had for NO DAMN REASON. NONE WHATS SO EVER and none of my friends noticed it, but it is in photo.

I’VE BEEN WAITING MONTHS TO HEAR FINALLY HEAR THAT’S MY JAM AND DO WHAT I FEEL LIVE. I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED AT ALL. I FUCKING LOVE THESE SONGS. I was ready for it, my friends were ready for it but the staff member was surprised as hell at our enthusiasm. He was thoroughly amused by us.

Dancing in the Rain is always a cute song, you can’t hate it.

The dress code pick happened next. That was an interesting 5 minutes. So, Himchan is my bias, not secrets there. I was dressed for a Himchan pick is all I’m gonna say. My friends thought it would be hilarious to SCREAM AND SHOUT for him to pick me… from not only next to me but also in other spots down the front where others were standing. -_- Guys,pls. At one point they screaming so loud and pointing at me that not only was the staff member DYING AT MY SUFFERING but Youngjae and Daehyun started to look over to our area and I had to duck and hide behind people. Let’s not ever… nah no. It was a cute little segment though, I totally would’ve spilled my drink on Himchan too if I would’ve been that close too. Them feels are seriousssss.

NEXT WERE THE SOLOS AND BITCHHHHHHHHHHH…. WHEW LAWD.

I believe it was Jongup, Zelo, Youngja in terms of order but my feels were attacked so I can’t be sure.

JONGUP. MOON. FUCKING. JONGUP. HE DID NOT COME TO PLAY WITH THE HATERS, BAND WAGONERS, AND DENIERS OF FEELS. TRY MY LUCK THERE’S NOTHING I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS THAT DOESNT INCLUDE AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF SWEARING. Just know you guys got the tame and PG shit for TV promotions. FUCK IT UP, MOON JONGUP FOR LIFE.

Zelo decided that the year 2017 he would return to his sweet and innocent appearance after fucking the floor last year. Thanks, bro. Appreciate it. The song is actually really cute though and I need the recorded version, get on that TS.

YOUNGJAE.

YOO.

YOUNGJAE.

I have this deep deeeeppppppp LOVE HATE with Youngjae (mainly love but still) he didn’t have to come for life this way. I didn’t need it, didn’t want it, I just wanted to live peacefully that day. His solo…. I literally found the corner of the banister, rested against it, covered my mouth in amazement and didn’t move for the duration of his solo. He didn’t have to remind me why he’s bias 1.5 like that. Jesus. Also I need that studio version too.

Fermata, I Guess I Need U, and Body and Soul… Im not even gonna try and explain the level of I CANNOT reached.

Skydive, Young Wild and Free and Wake Me Up in a row… OT6 FOR LIFE. FUCK ME UP. They killed it and us.

Now for Wake Me Up apparently we did a little much. As if we didn’t go hard enough for the other two songs, us continuously doing the choreography got us recorded during Wake Me Up… by the staff… who also turned out to be one of their managers. At first he tried to sneakily record us but I caught him and laughed and he stopped. Then he did it again and didn’t care that we saw him. Which he then scurried to the backstage area as soon as that song was over. Yeah….

So after that Zelo came back out and take us the hormone increasing dance (2014 concert goers should remember that one). No one knew what the fuck they were doing it was hilarious.Check on starts playing and all of sudden my friends and I start to notice that BAP is gradually looking more and more to our corner, which for the most part went kinda unnoticed for the other half of the show. Now I’m not gonna say they saw it, but I can say for a fact that manager posted it on his instagram that same night. (which also took me a whole week to find ) But the next bunch of songs were the fun ones Spy, Feel So Good, Be Happy and Carnival.

They did their usual goodbye talk before performing B.A.B.Y *thug tear* That was supposed to be the end, but it wouldn’t be a BAP concert without an encore. They did BANGX2 again.

Now it’s time for the Hi-Touch and photo op shenanigans.

They had everyone with Hi-touch go first, they turned it into a whole damn exercise circuit. Just what everyone wanted to do, climb 3 floors, come down and go back up. But anyway… So the panic was real guys. So the order I can remember was Youngjae, Zelo, Daehyun, Jongup, Yongguk and Himchan. Literally my death in the beginning and end.

So before we get to go up to the guys the staff is doing their annoying “phones away,” “don’t give them presents,” “hurry up” speeches. I roll my eyes and continue walking to the guys.

Youngjae is first. Lord jesus I wasn’t mentally prepared, but my makeup was still in tact. *bless you Laura Mercier powder* He is the only dude I know that is ALWAYS ready before the damn fan that’s meeting him. He was already eyeing me before I got up to him. His usual smirk followed by a cute smile after I hi fived him.

I was actually proud of myself this hi touch cause I was able to look at and actually hi five everyone this time while still mentally dying.

Next was Zelo… he’s tall as shit… why? Anyway he smiled and I high fived him and went on to the next one.

JUNG. DAEHYUN. What’s your deal, bro?! So I get to Dae, I was prepared this year to feel close as fuck to him as always. Apparently he was not and made it obvious… VERY OBVIOUS. So I get to him and look him dead in his eyes and this boy legit goes O_O and looked shocked as al holy hell. I actually tilted my head a little and giggled at him and he kinda recollected for a second, but I felt victorious for once.

Megan 1- BAP - 3 Years

Anyway… onto Rude Boy Jongup. So he was right after Dae and ISTG I don’t know what was going on that night but he too felt the need to look at me with a squint but from under his fringe so I was confused.

Next was Gukkie! He’s so cute and friendly at hi touches. He looked so good though, thank goodness I’m not a Guk stan. That’s like instant death.

So last but not least, Kim Himchan.

One question, just one. WHATTHEACTUALFUCKHIMCHANWHYTHEFUCK?!

We’re going to take a little mental journey to understand this. So Himchan is last but he’s not behind the table like everyone else. He’s actually at the outside corner, so if you’re walking towards him you can see him straight on not an angle.

Ok so as I’m done hi fiving Yongguk, I turn so I can face Himchan, normal course of action right now. Would’ve been a quick go through had when I turned his hand be ready for a hi five and he would’ve been looking at my face.

Till this day this part gets me all flustered and gets my nerves going. *deep breathing*

So I turn slightly to see Himchan checking me out in the most shameless way. This man is a greaseball and I KNOW THIS. BUT NOTHING. NOTHINGGGG COULD’VE PREPARED ME. So he’s checking me out, at least from hip/thigh area and slowly pans up to my face and then proceeds to bite his lips and smirk at me and then put his hand up for a hi five.

We’re gonna have seat for a minute cause LORD HAVE MERCY IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME AT THAT MOMENT TO CONTAIN EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING.

For reference Himchan’s face was basically this Xuimin gif.

Like… how does one act normal in this situation. Well if you’re me, you try to give off the most controlled shocked face and act dead inside so you don’t get arrested.

For reference

Me:

So I high five him and proceed to high tail it the entire fuck outta there as quickly as possible. I made it to the hallway where I then had my breakdown, still couldn’t speak and explain anything then though.

If you had photo op they made you go allll the way back up stairs and pick your groups. Two of my friends are Zelo bias so they weren’t even gonna attempt to take a pic with each other. lmfao So we found this other group of girls and I deadass went and asked any of them if they were Himchan bias and luckily no one was. Then this staff comes over and is like “Who wants to be line leader?” I was like fuck it i’ll do it. I get to be the first person to pick a spot duh! So I tell my friends to line up behind me so they can get to their biases before the other girls and they do. So we get downstairs and we’re dying all over again cause now we’re the first people they see in the line and as soon as the group thats with them leaves, Youngjae and some of them look over at us. Great,

I look Youngjae in face again, smile and casually walked and stood in between him and Himchan. My other friends got lucky and all got to stand with their bias too. *YAAASSSS* Now, I had made it a mental note to stand a little bit away from them cause I have a butt and didn’t want to bump into one of them. All I would need to haunt me forever. Despite all my attempts, I did end up bumping into someone… I don’t even wanna know who cause I’m traumatized enough from that day, lol But a girl was rushing to kneel in front of me and I scooted back just a tad and bam… leg or something. I’ve never readjusted so fast in my life. The picture was taken and I took off in a diagonal for the gift table cause we left our stuff over there. (One of the staff was not happy about it but we didn’t care) There was amusing shit that happened on the other side with my friends Daph and Megan but I can’t even begin to get that story correct. All I know is Daphne booked it for the table while I was waiting for her and had BAP in hysterics.

Then as we were leaving we told the manager we would see him next year and ran out of there as fast as possible.

Also here’s Himchan’s face in our photo… which I conveniently compared it to the FSG face for you.

If you find the full i’m the one in the red.

‘twas a hell of a night.

Fin.

#BAP fan account #BAP #LOE NYC 2017 #party baby world tour #himchan #yoo youngjae #daehyun #zelo #yongguk #jongup #hi touch #jesus lord help #the feels are strong with this one

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bobateatree · 7 years

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I haven’t written here in a long time. This is long and sad. I’ve definitely been called “Eeyore” before, so read with caution. Also, triggers and such.

It’s almost midnight on a Saturday and I’ve been tired for at least four hours. I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m too young to be tired on a night like this.

After I grabbed drive-thru breakfast with Tim this morning, I went home and showered before my OB/GYN appointment. My IUD looks normal. It’s such a relief. When I got home, I watched a block of Will & Grace on TV before mowing the lawn. I broke something in our backyard but my mom fixed it with duct tape (bless). I took another shower and now I’m here on my computer, where I’ve been the past few hours.

Tim is going to a kegger with his friends tonight where they’ve requested he play Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix on the guitar (”just like old times, they said”). After giving me an outline of all the possible scenarios (who will be there, how long he’ll be staying there, if he’ll stay the night, the possible fist fight that someone will start, etc.), I’ve opted to just wait for a text that will tell me if it’s worth coming. I’m already so sleepy, so even if I get a green light, I think I’ll have passed out at that point.

The irony is so thick. I have such bad FOMO for things like these (i.e., not partying enough at this time in my life), that when an opportunity finally comes, I’m just too tired.

I’ve felt lots of lows before: the stressed from school lows, the stressed from my dad leaving lows, the stressed from finishing college and becoming an adult lows. But this is unlike anything I’ve ever really felt before. It’s so...real? Not that the other ones haven’t been real, but this one is so close and tight and it just follows me constantly. The other lows I’ve been able to successfully hide, block, and/or numb. Not this time around. Oh, no.

So a lot of things have happened within the past calendar year. It’s been almost a full seven months since things have blown up, but have I recovered in those seven months? Absolutely not. Strap in!

Let’s start with my brother (this will be all about him, by the way; if he ever finds this blog, hi!). He started dating this girl, and then he moved her in without directly asking my mother if it was okay that some person he just began to date lived in her own house without ever really leaving. As soon as I noticed what was happening, I became extremely resentful and angry. I hope you can tell where this will be going. This began toward the end of 2015.

After a few months of this girl not leaving to ever go to her parent’s home (which is a long and harrowing 15 minutes away), only going there to move more of her things into my home, I became even more angry. Every time I tried to bring this up in conversation with my brother, he would talk over me, denounce me, belittle me--things older brothers love to do to their little sisters, at least that’s what mine does. It was a losing battle for me. My mother said she didn’t care, but I knew she did.

Oh, did I mention that my brother’s girlfriend never bothered paying rent when she lived in my home for a full year? Now’s a good time to mention that.

Throughout 2016, I was out of the house as much as I could possibly be. I did a lot of cool things, the majority of them away from home. I went to beer fests, concerts, musicals, and overall spent a lot of time in the city. I even took all four of us downtown one day when it was my brother’s birthday. It was a great time. I even got kicked out of a bar celebrating my own birthday, which was amazing and something I never want to do again.

Anyway. I was a 23 year old doing 23 year old things. Not really doing any harm, right?

Well, here’s the thing. My brother smoked weed 24/7, and eventually quit his job to do just that. All him and his girlfriend did was smoke weed and watch cartoons all day while my mom and I went to our full time jobs. At this point, toward the end of 2016, neither my brother nor his girlfriend were working (for reference, my brother is in his mid-30′s while his girlfriend is in her late 30′s). As a 23 year old, this angered me even more. But when I’m angry, I sit quietly and boil.

This is where shit hit the fan. My brother became manic around the 2016 holidays and would never, ever stop talking, rarely sleep, and had all these crazy get rich quick schemes because hard work is for people who don’t want to stop smoking weed and watch cartoons all day. And on Christmas Day, I said I wanted to kill myself because he pointed out that nothing I could do would make our mom happy (she’s been struggling in every way--mentally, emotionally, financially--ever since my dad left).

He proceeded to viciously scream at me and threaten to call the cops. I ran to the bathroom crying. He was going to his girlfriend’s family’s get together that day while I was bringing Tim to my family’s. He ignored me the rest of the day. When I had left for the evening, I slammed the door in his face.

Cue beginning of 2017. The manic episode continues for my brother. I would be followed around, relentlessly bullied, screamed at, etc. His lack of filter was piercing. In his mind, by obsessively bullying me to spend time with him, he thought he was helping me. I was actively avoiding him and his girlfriend because I didn’t want to be around 30-something potheads. He took notice and became even angrier with me. I later realized he was trying to control me, and responded badly when he couldn’t do that.

Also--by this time, I loaned him a lot of money so he could buy a car. I also loaned his girlfriend money for her bills. Surprise, surprise: my brother did not end up buying a car; he told me all the money went to fixing his girlfriend’s piece of shit car (he told me a lot of things he did with money I loaned him up to this point; looking back, I know he was clever in saying the money I let him borrow always went to helping someone else, instead of drugs, where it actually went).

Did I make a mistake loaning two shameless potheads lots of cash? Absolutely. Did I do my best to give them the benefit of the doubt because I tried to see the best in people? Yes. Because of this, will I ever loan people money again? Probably not, and that sucks.

So by early 2017, I was out a thousand dollars by two people living in my home who were essentially being irresponsible teenagers masquerading as 30-somethings with a purpose in life. Things were getting so bad at home that I looked forward to going to work every day because no one would be following me around, screaming at me, and/or asking me for money with a new creative excuse every time.

My brother would also make sure to relentlessly scream at my mother for hours at a time, for no reason at all. My mom once kicked him and his girlfriend out one evening for one of these instances, and his girlfriend started crying in her car because she was so hungry. I mean, all she wanted to do was eat dinner while her boyfriend was obsessively screaming in his own mother’s face. What was the problem? (I unfortunately was not home this evening, my mom called me and told me about it after those two were finally out of the house).

When my brother finally picked up that I didn’t want to be around him at all, he once aggressively wondered why I didn’t want to do drugs with him and why I didn’t like him anymore. This was on our way to a family party. I did not want to talk about it. (Also, while being super aggressive, he asked me why I acted like he was always attacking me. Well, JEEZ, I don’t know! I said I didn’t like being forced into conversation which was his favorite fucking thing to do to everyone around him).

And then, the inevitable happened. After all the screaming, the yelling, the aggression, the drug use, the disrespect, the lack of filter--my mom had enough. She finally kicked out my brother and his girlfriend. The day they were moving out, they tormented my mother the entire day while I was at work. They made her life hell for a full eleven hours.

After my mom could access a phone, she told me what was happening in real time. I have never been more angry in my entire life. My inner pot of hot boiling water exploded. I came home and screamed in my brother’s and his girlfriend’s faces. He responded by shoving me to the ground.

Drug addicts hate when you treat them the same way they’ve been treating you.

I think it’s only fair to point out that I wasn’t an angel; I was definitely mean at times. When my brother’s girlfriend would walk into the kitchen, I would glare at her when I thought she couldn’t see me (apparently she could?). When she tried talking to me, I wouldn’t look her in the eye. When I asked her to stop touching my things when she would be sitting inside my home when I was at work (she would share pictures on Facebook of my living room, for example, with items rearranged because aesthetic? I don’t, know, it was stupid just like she is), I could tell she didn’t like that. But I didn’t like that some stranger was living in my home, not paying rent, while I was working extra hard specifically to not be in this space she got to enjoy as a luxury. She even coaxed a 23 year old into loaning her money for her bills, as previously mentioned. She was living the dream!

There’s a lot that happened after the initial move out. It was a hot mess of them couch surfing at friend’s homes (who I brought up to speed as fast as I could; needless to say, the kindness from their friends dried up quickly) and eventually ending up in a motel (and coming back to my home, multiple times, unannounced, begging for money to stay a couple more nights there), and that’s where the begging ended. At one point they returned my mom’s stolen cell phone, which was the last “nice” thing they did.

It’s finally ended with my brother and his girlfriend blocking both me and my mom on Facebook. After this, my brother’s friends told me that he wrote a super long status about how awful me and my mom are. I wish I could’ve seen some screenshots.

Drug addicts love to rationalize in opposites.

I haven’t seen or heard from either of these people in...going on seven months. I honestly don’t know where they are or what they’re up to. I also haven’t seen my dad in four years. I hate how life has shown me that family can be so awful. Family is supposed to be the group of people in your life that’s not supposed to treat you this way.

At this point, I began to think of how my future wedding will look. Family is supposed to love you, right? But how can your family love you if...

I still need to make an appointment for a therapist because I still want to kill myself sometimes. Just when I thought I couldn’t handle more negativity, harassment, and abuse--bam! More shows up.

I just needed to get this all out, at least through this medium. Maybe if it’s all down, I’ll stop constantly thinking about these things in my mind when I should be focusing on the present. Because on the bright side, I’m no longer being lied to or screamed at by drug addicts who’ve said they love me, but didn’t actually mean it. And that’s something to be thankful for.

#after college #um various triggers

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middleeyt · 6 years

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The Growth In Music Festivals

Coachella sees on average 250,000 festival goers over the course of its two week period.

Ultra capped out it’s attendance this last year at 165,000 people.

Exit Festival in Serbia, sees an average of 75,000 people per day.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin hosts 800,000-plus people during its 11 day music festival: Summerfest.

Each year thousands of festivals are held across the globe. Each respectively bringing in a solid crowd and a solid line of artists. So I wonder... Why are people attending more festivals each year?, Why do artists agree to participate?, and what is the incentive behind the rapid increase in the number of festivals over the last few years?

American DJ, Grammy nominated record producer, singer and musician Porter Robinson just announced that he will be curating/ co-hosting “Multiverse Festival” in Oakland, CA which will make it the 4th music festival to hit the East Bay. The logistics of what the festival vibe and general genre invite is, is still unknown, but buzz around the festival is already growing over social media.

Year after year we see artists, record labels, and entertainment groups come together to elaborate on the next big festival to hit the scene… and quite frankly the reasons for doing so are obvious. (Except for my boy Ja Rule and Billy McFarland… someone should’ve stopped the Fyre Fest mess before it started)

A positive for local economy

Cities are becoming more accepting of the approach entertainment companies make with the idea of hosting a music festival, because of the opportunity these events bring for a huge amount of local spend. Think about it, for those traveling there are hotel and airbnb costs, and local business see a boost in foot traffic. A study conducted in 2013 found that the average festival goer spends $35 per day outside the festival in the local county. But not only are local businesses thriving during these events, jobs are being created for those helping construct and maintain the festival venues during their weekend runs.

Festivals are all about creating a sense of community

Ask festival goers why they spend bank to go to these events, and the answer almost always will manifest itself on the idea that festivals create a sense of community for music enthusiast (and they fulfill the egoistic urge we have for wanting to create a feeling of FOMO amongst our friends…yeah I’m talking about you) For music lovers, festivals are an escape from our day to day lives, a place to reconnect with friends, and most importantly a place to find communal appreciation for what music is all about. Music festivals become a center-ground for people in all walks of life, and for the 2-3 days that festivals are held, we tend not to pay any attention to the worries of the outside world.

A large number of people have made festival going a yearly happening (myself included, let me flex on those 7 years of going to Coachella real quick), and many attend multiple festivals throughout the year. The community and environment that these festivals create is unmatched, and the offerings of music and art are most always versatile enough to please any goer.

Festivals are a steal!

With that being said, music festivals are a total steal... Ok most are (Coachella gotta chill with the prices) for an average of $250-350, you get the opportunity to see a large number of artistry within the span of 3 days. If you think about it, the average spend on a concert ticket is about 50-90 bucks, 3 concerts equals $270. For that amount (plus an extra 100) you can attend Outside Lands and catch about 85 different acts. I understand though, more often than not, the costs to go to one of these festivals tends to be higher when accounting for travel, stay, and those festival outfits. But we can't deny that no other environment provides us with the opportunity to catch so many performers in one place.

There is big money to be made

Ok here we go with the math again… Coachella General Admission passes this year were $429. Last year the festival was capped at 125,000 tickets per weekend in total, that brought 53.6 million dollars, that is 107.2 million for the two weekends it is held.

Ok stay with me

The average headliner gets paid 3 million, that is a total of 9 million in headliner costs. A second tier performer gets about 120k-150k and everyone else is at about 10k-75k…

Ok I kinda did the math… so here are the totals (keep in mind I am also really bad at math)

Coachella pays 12.4 million dollars in performer spend, that leaves them with 41.2 MILLION DOLLARS (per weekend). Obviously there are a ton of other costs associated, like labour, venue, technicians, and marketing spend (although I am sure at this point they really don’t do much) but damn they still making hella bank. They are generating a huge income to the sector that is festival entertainment and the after effects of these events also helps carry that money over to the general music industry.

This generation values experience

Not only do festivals create a sense of community, but these events also help feed the urge millennials have to spend their time on experiences rather than material things. A study conducted by Expedia claimed that 74 percent of Americans prioritize experiences over products. The reason we value experiences is simple... they make us happier! Experiences are also more shareable, which is important to us basic ass bitches who live for the gram. It’s easier and more effective to share pictures and stories from a festival than it is to show pictures of a new bag you just bought.

The spur of festivals doesn't seem to be slowing down. As long as we are willing to spend the money, and as long as entertainment industries are finding new and innovative themes and genres to bring to the festival spotlight, we are bound to go to these events.

I am personally a huge fan of festivals, it’s a music junkie’s paradise. So I hope more artists like Porter come together to bring a different perspective and feel to the scene.

#festivals #Coachella music festival #Coachella #outsidelands #musicfest #musicfestivals #musicfestival #middleeyt #porter robinson

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boludosaires · 8 years

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2/9/17: Organized

This morning when I woke up, I thought I was going to a jazz show tonight with my friends from Northwestern and Nico’s dad, who’s here visiting.

It’s now 12:54 AM, and I just got back 10 minutes ago from an amazing night that involved no jazz whatsoever.

I got an invitation from my friend Natalia from Las Piqueteras to a charla that was happening tonight at 7:30. She asked me to text her friend Lio, the guy I met up with at the march last Friday, for details.

I was conflicted, because I had committed to this concert and it sounded cool. And despite all my totally unrealistic attempts to calculate how I might possibly do both, it was looking like it would have to be either charla or jazz. And after a little while of agonizing, of asking Lio if there’d be another one, of general FOMO, I decided that I’d had quite a bit of fun these past few days, and that this charla sounded way more worthwhile than some random jazz concert.

Of course, being someone who always tries to do everything and use every last minute I have (my psych major friend tells me I’m a “maximizer”), I still emailed the jazz club to see if I could come to the show late and still get in. I couldn’t totally let go, but I did successfully convince myself to change course.

So after work, I took a train and then a bus waaaaay down to the southwest part of the city, an almost 2 hour ride. There, I met up with Lio in a car, who had already picked up Amanda, who I’d invited along. We drove a few blocks and arrived in villa 21 24, the largest villa in the city; about 31,000 people live there, according to a 2016 report by the city. (https://www.estadisticaciudad.gob.ar/eyc/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/poblacion_2016_023.pdf)

There, we met up with Juana, a smiley, round Paraguayan woman who was hosting the charla. Hold up though: what is a “charla”, you ask? Well, “charlar” in Spanish means “to chat”, so a “charla” is literally a chat. But in my experience in Nicaragua, it meant more like a community meeting where people come to talk about some subject. That’s essentially what this was too.

Juana led us down a couple blocks to her home. The streets were part asphalt, part dirt, a minefield of cracks, holes and jutting pavement shards. The buildings stood tight on either side of the street, wide enough for a car to pass through, but only by forcing everything in its path to stop and squeeze to the side. There were storefronts that looked a lot like the ones in the main part of the city: an empanada stand, a place selling cheap t-shirts, a kiosco with the usual snacks and drinks. The only difference was they were along this tiny road instead of a wide city avenue with sidewalks and shoppers and cars everywhere.

Oh, and the fact that everything was pulsing with the barking, running, sniffing and shitting of countless dogs. Dogs on roofs, dogs under cars, dogs weaving in-between our legs to chase other dogs. A cat’s worst nightmare.

We got to Juana’s house, but I didn’t see much of it because the charla was actually outside in the street. They set up a bunch of chairs in a circle, and by the time we started, about 20 people had gathered. It was dark, but we were lit by a couple lamps on the wall, like the ones people have outside their front doors, and the light from the t-shirt store and kiosco behind us.

The charla was all about a decree that Macri’s government recently passed that makes it more difficult for immigrants with criminal records to enter Argentina, and makes it easier to deport those with criminal histories or infractions. The decree blames immigrants, who come mostly from Paraguay, Bolivia and Peru, for the drug-related crime and violence in Argentina. But this reasoning has already been questioned, especially because the Minister of Security Patricia Bullrich cited stats in a TV interview that claimed 33% of jailed immigrants in Argentina are there because of drug involvement, when in reality, taking all jails into account, it comes out to 17.5%, a very different number.

(Check out this La Nacion article a woman on my team put together for more: http://www.lanacion.com.ar/1980510-inmigrantes-y-delito-que-dicen-las-cifras)

Anyway, the charla was awesome because all these people talked about how this would affect them directly, a perspective that I honestly hadn’t heard at all from major media, though admittedly I don’t read all the Argentine outlets. They talked about how the law is targeting immigrants, blaming them for the country’s problems, putting them all into a stereotype of violent and criminal. It was scarily familiar.

One woman especially resonated with me when she talked about how they were being discriminated against because of the color of their skin, the look of their faces, the neighborhoods they live in. FINALLY, after weeks of Argentines telling me that “racism just is really a thing here” and that “there is discrimination against immigrants, but it’s not that bad”, somebody was giving me a different viewpoint. It’s really crazy how, when you only have your own life experience to refer to and you don’t come into contact with a lot of people who are different from you, your ideas of “the way things are” are so different from other peoples’ realities. Racism and classism are alive in Argentina, but the people who are feeling it are not the ones most foreigners are talking to, and are not the ones in charge of making the news and teaching in the schools. So of course the Argentine-born Argentines would have no experience at all with racism, just as most white people in America can get away for a long time, if not their whole lives, without ever really thinking about their race.

After a while, people started talking about what they could do to fight back against this law. This part was super inspiring to me, because everyone was contributing to this vision of organizing themselves and their community. People wanted to go door-to-door to ask people if they had their immigration documents, and if not, to help them get them. Others had already connected with the local radio stations to get info out. One woman emphasized the prime importance of voting, as a huge constituency that deserves to be heard in the city’s politics. It was truly awesome to see this grassroots organizing happening, and I felt really really grateful to be able to be there, learn from them, and feel solidarity with these people on the other side of the world who are doing the same kind of radical, community-building work that I do back home.

At the end of the charla, they asked Amanda and I if we wanted to say anything about what was happening with Trump in our country. We both talked a little; I emphasized how inspired I was by the airport protests after the Muslim ban, and the importance of not just letting the government do what it wants, but fighting back when you don’t like what’s happening. And I pointed out that, just like people of all colors stood together with their Muslim comrades at those protests, at the charla, Argentines and immigrants were organizing together against the larger forces trying to hurt people. Finally, I offered the only thing I have: my camera. I said if they wanted to make a video to inform people about the decree and what to do through Facebook, to please let me know, and they were all nodding their heads. So hopefully, I can use what skills I have to make a contribution to this community without overstepping my bounds and ignorance as a total outsider. Easier said than done, but I think this was a start.

<3 Escoot

Palabras Nuevas

· Empatronada- registered to vote

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brentrogers · 4 years

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Podcast: Canceling Plans Due to Anxiety

Does your anxiety take over when it’s time to leave the house — keeping you home more often than not? Do you cancel plans at the last minute due to that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach? Or maybe you are the friend that keeps getting canceled on. In today’s podcast, Gabe and Jackie discuss why this happens and how both parties — the chronic canceler and the chronically disappointed friend — can navigate this awkward scenario.

Tune in to today’s Not Crazy podcast to get specific tips on how you can feel more in control so you can cancel less.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

Computer Generated Transcript for “Canceling Plans- Anxiety” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Gabe: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of the Not Crazy Podcast. I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie.

Jackie: And that . . . I wanted to do something fun and I fucked it up already. Mm hmm.

Gabe: I just think we should leave that. I wanted to do something fun and I fucked it up already. My co-host, Gabe.

Jackie: And as it turns out, I’m not funny, but my co-host is Gabe.

Gabe: Well, I am really glad that you are here, Jackie, because I can record this podcast in my house and that means I don’t have to leave my house. And while I am not agoraphobic, I do have anxiety when it comes to going to certain places. And that’s our topic for this week’s episode, anxiety when it comes to leaving our homes.

Jackie: And this is something that we’ve seen a lot of people asking about is I’m anxious to leave the house or I’m anxious when I leave the house and how do I get out of the house? What do I do to actually go into the world? So we thought it was a good topic.

Gabe: And kudos to everybody for not wanting to be homebodies and our society is set up to make this easier than ever. Now, I don’t want to do this thing where back in my day. But yeah, yeah, back in my day I couldn’t really hang out in my house for weeks at a time because I’d eventually run out of food. I suppose pizza delivery was a thing, but Amazon was not.

Jackie: Ok. Grandpa Gabe. Well, we have all these lovely amenities now, too, where you can stay home if you want, but it’s not the point of the show. Point of the show is leaving.

Gabe: I don’t know if it was easier to be a “home body” 30 years ago than it is today. On one hand, people seem to be away from home more often. And I wonder if that general societal slide into not being home very often creates extra fear or panic anxiety in people who want to be homebodies. And where is that line? Because some people just like to stay home and there’s nothing wrong with that. But we do see a lot of you need to get out more on the Internet for people who are just like, no, I don’t, I just I don’t want to. It’s a choice. It’s not anxiety. It’s a choice.

Jackie: I think that’s a good point that I didn’t really think about, was we have more things that take us out of the house these days, maybe not more, but I feel like there’s so many things to do all the time that when you are out of the house, maybe you wish you weren’t. And I think that’s a side effect of being a human at least. Adam and I talk about that all the time where we make plans and then immediately regret that we made plans because we don’t want to go anywhere. So.

Gabe: I also hear that is adulting. All of this just to say I am curious, as a person living in America, how much of this is caused by, like FOMO — fear of missing out — where you’re not anxious, you’re not having a mental health issue, you’re not having a mental illness symptom, everything is fine in your life. It’s just a Saturday afternoon. You just want to put your feet up and read a book. But in your brain, your brain is like you should get out more. I guess sometimes I just feel that people get shamed for staying home. And that makes me sad because I really like my home and I’m a very extroverted person, as you know, and even I just like to chill out at home.

Jackie: If I could stay home and never leave ever again, I would gladly do it. I hate leaving my house. Yes, I like interact with the world and things, but I legitimately would stay home. That’s why I’m such a great work from home person, because I will work from home and never go anywhere. It’s amazing. But it’s not related to anxiety for me. I just really like being at home. I like my stuff and my animals and my husband and I just want to be here.

Gabe: Well, let’s talk about that for a moment, Jackie. Let’s talk about your specific situation. You are a person with an anxiety disorder, so you understand the anxiety surrounding just minuscule tasks, right? Just, hey, I’ve got to go get the mail at the end of the driveway. Nooo, you understand that kind of situation, right? But you’ve also said that you never, ever want to leave your house. But if you never left your house, you could never see Hanson live again.

Jackie: That is that is true. There are things that I want to leave the house for, right? It’s just I’m not looking forward to leaving the house. I will do fun things. I will go places. I don’t really want to. I’m happy when I did and I don’t know, maybe there is a root cause of anxiety in there somewhere. I don’t feel anxious when I leave. I feel like dread. Like I just don’t want to.

Gabe: Let’s put it right in the context of the Hanson concert, because you love Hanson

Jackie: I do. I absolutely do.

Gabe: Mmm-bop. Bop doo wop.

Jackie: You’re gonna make me not love it.

Gabe: Nope, not doing it justice?

Jackie: No, no.

Gabe: Did you get anxiety when you left for your last Hanson concert?

Jackie: No.

Gabe: So, if it is something genuinely that you want to do, you do not experience anxiety.

Jackie: No, I was super anxious when we got there, though, because there were so many fucking people everywhere, but the actual act of leaving to go there was not an anxiety ish anxious

Gabe: Anxiety producing?

Jackie: Anxiety having? I don’t know.

Gabe: This is interesting to me because for many people, again, one size does not fit all. For many people, they have the thing that they want to do and they’re excited about that. And in this case, it’s the Hanson concert, but they’re afraid to leave their house for fear of having a bad experience and anxiety attack, a panic attack, something bad happening. So it’s not that they’re afraid to leave their house. It’s not that they don’t want to go to, in this case, the Hanson concert is that they’re afraid that when they get to the Hanson concert, they’ll have a panic attack. They’ll be in harm’s way. They’ll embarrass themselves, they’ll hurt, they’ll suffer, etc. That is generally how the anxiety surrounding leaving your home works. It’s more of a fear of what might happen after you leave than it is about the person, place or thing.

Jackie: Agree. I mean, I think I agree. I don’t totally experience this a lot, but from what I have read from people who listen to the podcast or interact with us online, it does sound like that is the more common scenario is I leave the house, but I’m afraid of what happens once I leave the house, which is different from I am afraid of leaving the house. You know, like I’m so anxious I cannot leave because I can’t do anything when I’m at home. I can’t function, I can’t clean, I cannot move because I’m so anxious. I’m paralyzed by it. That’s different than I’m willing to leave. But I’m a little bit afraid of what happens on the outside.

Gabe: Generally speaking, the prep to leave is filled with excitement, as you pointed out in your example, you were excited to make the plans, you made the plans for a reason. Whatever is on the other end of your door you are excited to get to, that doesn’t magically change. It’s the fear of the unknown. That’s really what it comes down to. Your house is safe. The place that you’re going. While fun and exciting, potentially could not be safe and not based on anything that that place did. You know you didn’t read in the paper that the building’s going to be condemned or that security is lacking. There’s not like a virus threat or it’s none of that. It’s just that you could have a panic attack. And now you’re sitting there shaking, panicking, sweating. Your heart is palpitating. You’re getting dizzy. You’re embarrassed because, well, in my case, I would completely sweat through all of my clothes and be just a dripping, soaking, wet, sweaty rag. Well, now I’m going to ruin it for my friends or my wife. If I stay home, I won’t ruin it. Chris. I won’t have it at all, but I won’t ruin it.

Jackie: I also think that it’s worth noting here that we are putting a lot of rational thought behind the reasons why maybe somebody has anxiety once they leave the house. But for me, anxiety makes no sense. It never makes sense at all. It’s always just my body going like, run, run from what? I don’t know. And so I think it’s worth noting that you might be excited to leave the house and you’re anxious the moment you walk out the door, but you have no idea why. You just are. It’s just part of how you are in that moment.

Gabe: It’s really weird how anxiety sort of manifests itself in me because I’m a public speaker. I don’t mind being onstage in front of a thousand people. That doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t mind that the podcast that we do are listened to by tens of thousands of people or, you know, my name, my thoughts and my opinions are out there a lot. And as such, I get a lot of blowback. And this doesn’t bother me at all. I have no idea why this causes me zero anxiety. But I had a panic attack at Disney World or Disneyland, whichever one is in Florida. I don’t know why I wasn’t afraid to leave my house to go to Disneyland. Or world. I wasn’t afraid to leave the hotel that morning. But something happened. The place that I had planned in my mind to get a Diet Coke was out of Diet Coke and poof, it just went poof.

Jackie: To me, that makes total sense, though, because Disney World Land sounds like I can think of no place I want to go less in life than Disney World Land because there are so many people there and children which I don’t like. I just feel like I would be anxious all the time. Big crowds make me anxious. Lots and lots and lots of people. If I’m speaking to those people, I’m not anxious. But if I’m in the crowd with them, I get pretty anxious. And that’s a new thing that has developed later in life. That was never a thing before. So I don’t know what that’s all about, but I just don’t think I would have fun there. And I think a lot of people look at the amount of people, the traffic, the foot traffic for Disney World Land on a day is just bananas.

Gabe: I thought you were going to say it was goofy.

Jackie: Oh, god. Barf.

Gabe: But sometimes we have to do things because our spouses want to. I’m with you, Jackie. Disney World Land was not my vacation pick. It was my wife’s vacation pick. And part of being in any good relationship, whether it’s a marriage, a friendship, a family or even with coworkers, is sometimes they have to get their way. This was very important to my wife. I’m very glad that I went. And while I agree that this this uber sugary. Oh, it was it was just it was just so gooey perfect that it just it just I’m starting to get like like like hives. I don’t know. It was kind of neat. I did have fun. Maybe I had fun because I saw it through my wife’s eyes. I don’t know. But I guess this is one of the areas where I think to myself, I could have used my anxiety disorder to avoid the trip altogether. I could have used the anxiety and panic attack that I had that morning to avoid the rest of the day. At what point do we have to fight through the anxiety for our benefit and at what point do we owe it to the people that we’re with? One of my biggest fears is that my anxiety hurts the people around me. I made a promise to my wife that we’d have a good time at Disney World Land and that panic attack did it. I don’t want to say it ruined the morning. My wife was just sickeningly wonderful. She didn’t let it get to her, but it did cost us a couple of hours.

Jackie: I think the guilt is always a factor. Right. Even if it’s just I was late for something because I was panicking or we didn’t get to do something because I was panicking or I was a dickhead this morning because I was panicking. I feel like the guilt surrounding all of this is not light. It feels very heavy. And it feels it feels like I’m ruining things for other people if it happens.

Gabe: I often feel that my anxiety disorder impacts the people around me and it creates another layer, so I’m afraid to leave the house because I’m afraid I’m gonna have a panic attack and suffer. I’m afraid to leave the house because I’m afraid that that panic attack and that suffering is going to have negative consequences on other people. My wife is very supportive and frankly, she helps me leave the house. Going with her makes me feel stronger and better supported and better able to deal with a lot of the things that maybe scare me about leaving my house and going to an unknown place. But that’s a wife. It’s a lot harder when I have to do this for a friend. And I think that maybe sometimes we create through our anxiety some of these self-fulfilling prophecies that we believe that people have abandoned us because of our mental illness, because of our mental health issues, because of our anxiety. But in actuality, we abandoned them because of our mental health issues, mental illnesses or anxiety, because they kept making plans with us and we kept canceling on them at the last minute. I struggle with this a lot because I see these memes on Facebook where they’re like self-care is canceling plans at the last minute. Self-care is not answering the text immediately. Self-care is saying no to invitations. And that’s all true. I completely agree with all of that. But from the other person’s perspective, you canceled plans at the last minute, interrupting their time. They texted you and you didn’t reply and they keep inviting you out and you said no. And then I see the other stack of memes. It’s like people abandoned me because of my mental illness. That’s stigma and discrimination. How does that all factor into this nightmare? That is an anxiety disorder.

Jackie: That’s so true. Sometimes when people invite me places and I say no, because I just don’t want to. I always thanked them for inviting me and say, like, please invite me again sometime because I might be willing to leave the house sometimes. But it’s true. Right. You’re there’s the FOMO. But then there’s the JOMO, which is the joy of missing out. So you have these self-care memes which are in direct opposite of the other ones of people. Stop talking to me. I lost my friends. All of the things that you’ve already just said. I don’t know the middle ground. We’re doing the thing where you are like, I’m going to stand my ground. I’m going to say no and do this for me. And then you say no to everything versus like just some things or it’s the complete opposite of I say yes to everything and I’m super drained all the time and nobody gives me time to rest. And everything is awful. It’s supposed to be a balancing act. It’s everything is supposed to be in moderation.

Gabe: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Jackie: And we’re back talking about why leaving the house sucks. Just kidding, we’re talking about anxiety.

Gabe: The thing to be careful about, right, is that you’re just not constantly canceling on the same person over and over again. And this is where we have to be more judicious with the things that we agree to do. I’m one of these people where my friend Jackie calls me up and she’s like, okay, do you want to go to the club? It opens at 11:00 p.m. It’s boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants. And we’re gonna dress like 70s and it’s gonna be awesome.

Jackie: Ugh.

Gabe: Three months from now, it’s on Halloween and I’m like, I want to dress up like Halloween. And then, of course, it gets there. And I’m like, oh, man, I normally go to bed at like 10 o’clock. I don’t have this outfit. The music is loud strobe lighting.

Jackie: No. Hard pass.

Gabe: So, I call you up and I’m like, hey, I can’t make it. You’re pissed. You’re agreeing with me. But but pretend that you’re really excited about this because Hanson’s gonna be there. It’s Hanson. It’s always comes back to Hanson. But you have tickets. You bought your costume. You’ve been looking forward to this for three months. We’ve had conversations about it. It’s now the day before. That’s mind numbingly awful for you because you put all this time, energy, effort and money into this and you were excited to share it with me and I just bailed on you. And if I’m being honest, I probably gave you a bullshit reason. Hey, I’m not feeling well and my kids are sick and I’ve got to take the dog out. And, you know, Kendall’s she had surgery seven months ago and I really can’t. It’s snowing, so. Yeah, sorry. And that’s in a text message that I then don’t reply to. Would it have been better if when you got all excited about this and I got wrapped up in it, I realized that, hey, boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants at 11:00 pm is just not a thing that I want to go to. And I told you no. And then I said to you, look, I’m always going to say no to that. It’s not my thing. But could we maybe go to lunch at a restaurant that I feel more comfortable with? Is this where the onus falls on the person with the anxiety disorder to be better?

Jackie: Yes, obviously that would have been better for sure. But I also think that we’re getting a little bit off topic because we’re talking about canceling plans that have already been made. And I think that if we’re focusing on how to get out of the house, those are different. Right. Because that’s something like you’re like, oh, I’m super anxious. I don’t want to go to this thing. That’s a little bit different than canceling plans, I think.

Gabe: Ok, so let’s talk about that, because the the anxiety makes makes me, makes us, if we’re being honest, cancel shit all the time. It just does. So let’s talk about strategies to not do that. So it’s now the day before the boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants. And I want to cancel. What are some things that I could do to ensure that I show up at 11 p.m. dressed in the 70s garb so that you can have your strobe lights and hear Hanson and you are not just bitterly disappointed that your buddy Gabe bailed on you for the hundredth time.

Jackie: I mean, I could tell you all the things that are the right things, right? I will tell you. Make sure you have everything planned out. Make sure you have your directions lined up. Maybe take a nap during the day. Talk to somebody about maybe why you don’t want to go and have them amp you up. You know, all those things. But I’m going to tell you. For me, it’s just get off your ass and go and dread it the whole way there. Be angry in the car there. Be sad. Maybe pout. Talk about how much you hate it. And you really wish you were at home. And then get there and be like. It’s not so bad because it always is not so bad. Whenever I agree to do something, it’s because I want to do it. It sounds like fun. It’s just getting me there. That sucks. So once I’m there, it’s generally okay. But I have not found a way to sort of get me amped to get going when I’ve already decided I don’t want to go. I have to just suck it up and go. And that’s the only thing that really works for me. And most of it, honestly, is it surrounds money. Did I pay for this thing already? If I paid for it, I’m probably going to suck it up and go. If I haven’t paid for it, then I might cancel.

Gabe: I like the don’t lose money. I’m really all about the pre-planning. One of the things that I have learned is to say to you, Jackie, I want to go with you, because that does sound interesting. I’ve never been to a party like that. I want to do the co-host costume idea with you, but I’m gonna need some things from you to make this happen. So, like, I’m being very honest with you. And what I’m going to say is I need you to pick me up. I need you, Jackie, to drive to my house and put me in your car and drive me there, because I have a lot of anxiety about driving to places that I’ve never been before. I don’t know where to park. I’m afraid I’m gonna lose my car. I just call this entire method the buddy system. I tell all of my friends that you have significantly better odds of me going if you pick me up. Now, I try to be nice about this and I buy dinner or dessert or I offer people gas money or I’ve had my friends drive over to my house and we take my car, I’ll do the driving. But you do the directing like maybe that helps. Or all of my friends, I’m okay driving to all of their houses, so I’ll drive and pick them up because I’m comfortable driving from my house to their house. So meaning there is almost something that I never, ever, ever, ever do. And I’m shocked at how big of a difference this makes.

Jackie: I think there’s a excellent idea. It also makes it so you really you can’t back out on the way there because you’re not driving.

Gabe: It also helps because it’s setting those small goals, right? My plan is, OK, at 9 o’clock I pick up Jackie like that’s my plan. Gabe, what are you doing? At 9:00, I pick up Jackie or at 9 o’clock Jackie picks me up and this gets me into my next thing I call it pre-gaming. Now, I know that the younger generation, that means drinking expensive alcohol, cheap at home so that you can continue drinking low grade alcohol when you have to pay for it. That’s not what I mean. So I just mean the eleven o’clock thing scares me. I’ve never been to this bar. I’ve never had the music, the strobe lights. I am for whatever reason, anxious about it. So Jackie picks me up at 9:00 o’clock and we go to Olive Garden.

Jackie: Yuck.

Gabe: Because I like Olive Garden. So now I have to be ready at nine. That’s step one. Then I go to Olive Garden with Jackie, which I like. And then after Olive Garden, Jackie drives me to the thing that I’m scared of. I’m slowly ramping up in the evening that way. It just seems more manageable to me. This helps me a lot.

Jackie: You’re like a child that gets their treat before dinner. Right? Let’s do the thing that makes me happy. Before we do the thing that I don’t know that I really want to do.

Gabe: Exactly. And I want to be clear that I feel that not only does the slow ramp up help manage my anxiety, but I’ve also told you that that’s why we’re doing it. I’ve told you, Jackie, that I’m nervous about this. I’m anxious. I need your help and I need a slow build. And another thing that I try to do is I remind myself, OK, I just have to do this for a half an hour. I make like a clear goal with you. I’m like, OK, I’ll do this. But every half hour we reassess. We will go at 11:00. So at 11:30, we decide if we’re gonna stay. And it’s two yeses and one no. If I say I want to go and you want to stay tough shit, we’re leaving.

Jackie: Well, I think we live in a time where that doesn’t necessarily have to play anymore, right. You can always Lyft yourself home, you know, which I think is a great option that we have now where I’ve gone places that I can’t give a great example right now. But I know this has happened, that I was like, yes, we’ll stay the whole time. And then I kind of hate this. So I just got a Lyft and left and nobody was mad. I didn’t make anybody miss out on what they were doing. There wasn’t a lot of guilt because they were still enjoying the thing that we set out to do. It was like everybody wins.

Gabe: Yes. And your friends. So often when I explain these things, people are like that is like uber high maintenance. Gabe, who would tolerate that? The answer is my friends, my friends and family. And they always hate it when I say that they tolerate it because they listen to this. And like Gabe, we don’t tolerate it. You were honest with us from the beginning. And I really like my friends and family because they’re like, you realize you never leave. You close the place down. You always say, OK, I’ll go for a half an hour and you’re the last person out the door. You you have so much fun. It’s the initial getting there that terrifies me so much. Once I’m there, I figured out where the exits are. I figured out where the bathrooms are. I figure out how to get a drink. I make friends with the servers. I. I understand the outfit. People are like talking to me. Then it’s like, poof. I am the Gabe that people know and love. So they’re kind of banking on that. But the few times that I have left that I’ve invoked the half an hour clause. They’re just like, hey, it’s a good trade. I’m thankful that I have the right people in my life. I really, really am. And I understand that not everybody has that. But I am a little bit sincere when I say maybe the reason you don’t have this in your life is because you didn’t plan for it. You pulled the rug out from under them by telling them that everything was fine, pretending that everything was fine. And then after you were there for a half an hour, you freak out and you leave. And then when they ask what happened? You say stuff like it was too loud and it was stupid. Who does this? And you start insulting the thing.

Jackie: Would you really say that?

Gabe: Oh, my God. I’m in the middle of an anxiety and a panic attack. I’m sweating through my clothes. My heart is racing. And I think I’m going to die. I will say whatever it takes to get the hell out of there.

Jackie: Well, I would just leave.

Gabe: But we drove together.

Jackie: I don’t care. I will stand outside and wait for you or I’ll call Lyft.

Gabe: I do see what you did there, Jackie, and I love it. Listen up, listeners. Here is what we need you to do wherever you downloaded this podcast. Please subscribe, rate, and review. Share us on social media and use your words. Tell people why they should listen. And finally, if you have any show, topics, ideas or burning questions, email us at [email protected] and tell us all about them. And remember, after the credits is all of the outtakes and all of the things that Jackie and I just fucked up along the way and it’s ultra funny and it will make our producer and editor really, really, really happy if you listen to them.

Jackie: We’ll see you next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

Podcast: Canceling Plans Due to Anxiety syndicated from

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