#he definitely doesn't use it for drinking

[basketonthedoorstepofthefbi]

Spencer Reid x Read fic. Reid and Reader are friends, like best friends. Reader is always offering Reid donuts and listening to his fun facts and info dumps. It's one of those, they both like each other, but also are convinced the other doesn't like them.

Spencer is taking care of a slightly drunk reader whose grandmother called and asked why they're not engaged when they're younger sibling is married and expecting a child. At some point Spencer makes his ever classic comment about how it's safer to kiss and drunk reader, before being able to think, kisses Spencer. I hope that made sense.

OOPS I DID EXACTLY THAT

Safer to Kiss (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Word Count: 2899

Warnings: Mentions of food, drinking alcohol, mild cursing, outdated expectations of women, and lots of pining

A/N: Hi I wrote this in 2 hours and was extremely entertained, please enjoy and if you send me a fic request I'll probably do it bc this is my hyperfixation hobby right now and very much keeping the demons at bay xD @bxm-1012 thank you for dropping by my inbox! I am VERY tempted to make a part 2 of this, I hope you enjoy! c:

-----

The whole expiration date thing that women faced was, in your humble opinion, complete and utter bullshit. Here you were, slowly approaching thirty (definitely still told people you were twenty-five, when, in fact, you were actually twenty-eight), and the biological clock was ticking. No, you didn’t want kids. Not right now, anyway. Not when you were only two years into your career as a profiler for the FBI’s prestigious Behavioral Analysis Unit. Not when you still had tons of things to check off your bucket list - go to Europe, visit an independent bookstore in every state, pilot a helicopter. 

And you didn’t buy into that whole ‘once a woman hits thirty, her stock plummets’ crap. Not usually, anyway. 

But Nan’s phone calls always left you questioning your existence. 

Back home in Ohio, your little sister, Kendra, had just announced her pregnancy. Three years younger than you (ironically, the age you told everyone you were), and married to a power plant manager, Kendra was living the dream of a woman from the 1950s. You tried your best not to look down on it, to wish for more for her - but Kendra was happy. She’d always wanted to be a mother, and you couldn’t imagine anyone better suited for the role. There was nothing wrong with wanting to be a wife and a mother, to devoting one’s life to it. You reminded yourself of that every time you spoke to Kendra. You especially reminded yourself of it every time you spoke to Nan. 

That sympathetic tone your grandmother used when she said, “Oh, Button, you’ll find someone eventually, and you’ll be just as happy as Kenny” was like nails on a chalkboard. You resisted the urge to gag into your speakerphone and simultaneously rip your grandmother a new one. You wanted so badly to explain to her that you were perfectly fulfilled with your life. 

You helped lock up bad guys on a weekly basis, you wanted to remind Nan. Your brain was one of few that had been chosen for a task force that caught criminals based on their behavior. It was amazing, working for the BAU, bouncing ideas off of your colleagues, finding a family within this small group of people that spent more than forty hours a week together. 

Nan didn’t see it that way. She wanted you to be just like Kendra. She wanted you to have that white picket fence in the suburbs, with a broad-shouldered husband and two little tykes running at your feet. Domestic bliss just wasn’t in the cards for you, you’d decided. And that was okay.

You were still reeling from your conversation with Nan the night before when you walked in to work on Monday morning. It was Derek who caught the raging RBF first. “Woah, pretty girl. Pump. Your. Brakes.” He said, halting you just as you entered the BAU’s bullpen, holding a hand up to stop you. 

“Good morning to you, too, Derek,” You flashed him a phony grin, and he rolled his eyes. 

“And you’re grumpy this morning… why, exactly?” Derek asked, turning to walk beside you, essentially escorting you to your desk. 

“Because I’m allowed to be?” You proffered, shrugging your shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it with him. You loved Derek - hell, you loved all your coworkers - but he was not the person you wanted to go to with these thoughts. You didn’t really want to talk to anyone about it, actually. You just wanted to ride the cranky train until it came to a complete stop. 

Emily was returning from the kitchenette with a fresh mug of coffee and decided that the conversation concerned her as well. “What’s going on?” she asked. 

“Y/L/N’s wearing her cranky pants this morning,” Derek filled her in. 

“Oh, those so don’t match your blouse, Y/N,” Emily teased, winking at you with a smirk before looking at Derek. “Cut her some slack. No one likes Mondays.” Derek held up his palms defensively. “Alright, alright. Forgive me for being a concerned citizen.” 

“It’s appreciated,” You told Derek genuinely before setting your bag down at your desk. “But unnecessary.” 

It wasn’t until later in the morning, around ten, that anyone bothered you about your obvious bad mood again. This time it was Spencer, the one person you couldn’t possibly be annoyed with. He rolled on his desk chair around the partition that separated your workspaces, holding his hand out expectantly, like he usually did this time of day. 

Without speaking, you opened the bottom drawer of your desk and pulled out the white bag of mini powdered donuts that you always kept in stock. They were your guilty pleasure snack, and one of the first things you and Spencer bonded over when you started at the BAU two years ago. That, and the fact that you were the closest agents in age, was how you got along so well so quickly. Over several cases, varying in degrees of intensity, you and Spencer became really great friends. Best friends, actually. 

There wasn’t anyone else in your life that you trusted more than Spencer Reid. 

You opened the bag of powdered donuts and shook one haphazardly into Spencer’s palm, then grabbed one for yourself. Silently, you cheers-ed your donuts together, and ate them simultaneously, making weird-but-comfortable eye contact as you did. 

“Derek says you’re in a bad mood today,” Spencer pointed out with a teasing smirk on his face. A smirk, and white sugar blanketing his upper lip.

“Derek’s full of shit,” you grinned after swallowing your snack, the smile on your face totally facetious. “I’m extremely happy.” 

“I can tell,” Spencer snickered as you set the powdered donuts back in your snack drawer, closing it with a clank. You watched as he brought both of his legs up into his desk chair, crossing them like a kindergartner. 

The action made your stomach flutter. You’d felt strongly about Spencer for a really long time, probably a year and half, if you had to try and pinpoint it. But there was no use in going down that road with him. For one thing, he was your best friend, and you didn’t want to risk flushing the best relationship in your life down the toilet. For another thing, you knew it was one hundred percent impossible that he could feel the same way. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” Spencer asked, and you could tell by the question that he was trying to discover the source of your poor attitude. 

“Stayed home, caught up on chores,” You said, crossing your knees and leaning back in your seat, your expression telling him that you knew exactly what he was doing. As much fun as playing mind games with Spencer was, you decided to throw him a bone. “Spoke to my grandmother on the phone last night.” 

Spencer nodded understandingly. “Say no more,” he said with a chuckle. “She gave you the whole ‘when are you going to get married’ spiel again?” 

You nodded. “Unfortunately. I usually don’t let it bother me, but for some reason it’s just, like, lurking in the back of my mind today.” You shrugged your shoulders and exhaled through your nose. “What about you?” You asked. 

“What about me?” Spencer arched a brow, and you rolled your eyes playfully. 

“What’d you do this weekend?” 

“Oh,” Spencer began, pursing his lips for a moment, like he was hesitant to tell you. “I actually went on a date.” 

Your stomach flipped. “Oh yeah?” You choked out, forcing a smile. “Who with?” 

“That girl, Lisa, from the coffee shop, the one you told me wouldn’t stop ‘ogling my boy band hair’,” Spencer held up air quotes when he repeated your words from memory.

You recalled the cute barista from the coffee shop just down the highway from Quantico, a popular morning stop for agents on their way to work. You tried to stop the jealousy from turning your blood into fire. “How was it?” You asked, trying to resist the urge to sit on the edge of your seat, trying not to hang on his every word. 

Spencer shrugged his shoulders. “It was okay. She was very nice, but there just wasn’t…” he trailed off, gesticulating as the words failed to come to that supercomputer brain of his. 

“It was like a donut without powdered sugar on it?” You suggested with a small chuckle.

“Yeah,” Spencer agreed, nodding, meeting your eyes and smiling, mildly amused. “Exactly.” 

Spencer went back to his desk a few minutes later, and the rest of the day went on. It was quiet, especially for a day at the BAU. There were, weirdly enough, no open cases right now, so you spent the day catching up on paperwork, which there was always plenty of. 

You caught the elevator about ten minutes after five with Spencer in tow, and you held the door open for him. It was just the two of you as you made the descent from the sixth floor, and Spencer leaned against the back wall. “Plans tonight?” He asked. 

“Not really, no,” You said, shaking your head. “Why, you want to do something?” You asked. 

Spencer nodded. “There’s this landscape and nature photography exhibit at one of the galleries downtown,” he said. “Might be fun. There’s this artist, Milton Harvell, who takes photos of renowned locations around the world but zooms in on an obscure detail and gives the framed photograph to the person who correctly guesses the location.” 

You smiled slowly at that. You loved it when Spencer went off on one of his tangents. You found it completely adorable. “It’s actually quite fascinating,” Spencer went on, an amused tone lining his voice, making it sound lighter. “Kind of like a Where’s Waldo, but in reverse. There was this one photograph he took of the Louvre in Paris, but he zoomed in really tightly on a young boy enjoying an ice cream cone. He even went so far as to edit the photograph to make it look like it was a different time of day. The four thousand and eighth person to view the photograph was the person who guessed the correct location.” Spencer’s head bobbed and he was smiling like an idiot. 

God, you were down bad. 

“Was the four thousand and eighth person… you?” You asked, narrowing your eyes at him scrupulously and allowing a teasing grin to cross your face. 

“The photo’s hanging in my living room,” he confirmed. 

You laughed softly. “Will there be alcohol at this function?” You asked him, and he nodded. 

That was all you needed to hear. 

— — —

You and Spencer went straight to the art gallery from work, sharing a cab rather than bothering with your cars. You immediately bought a glass of red wine, and began to follow him around the gallery. You weren’t an art aficionado, not by any means, but you enjoyed looking at beautiful things, and you especially enjoyed spending time with Spencer that wasn’t hunched over a dead body or trying to map out a killer’s comfort zone. It was a rare occurrence, so you tried to soak it all up as much as possible. 

Plus, your Nan’s words were still lingering in the back of your head. It’ll happen for you someday, Button. Men just don’t find you strong, career types attractive. Maybe you should soften up your look a little. 

You downed your first glass of wine within ten minutes, and caught one of the catering staff passing out champagne almost instantaneously after. The champagne fizzled down your throat as you strolled with Spencer through the art gallery, listening intently as he went on about each piece, rattling off whatever contextual knowledge he had. But you were a little bit biased; you could listen to him list different types of soil and find it interesting. 

After the glass of champagne came another glass of champagne, and by the time you made it to the main exhibit Spencer wanted to see, your cheeks were flushed. It wasn’t that you couldn’t hold your alcohol; rather, it just made you a little bit silly. Your inhibitions were lowered, just like it would affect anyone. But with your arm looped through Spencer’s and your Nan’s nagging message still in the back of your mind, you were perhaps a little more loose than usual. 

As Spencer examined the exhibit, you tapped your foot, unable to keep still, and scanned the open space. Your eyes landed on another patron of the gallery, a conventionally handsome man about your age, and you found yourself unlooping your arm from Spencer’s, subconsciously not wanting to appear taken. 

“Are you gonna go talk to that guy?” Spencer asked, and you snapped your eyes back to his. “Because you can, if you want to. Don’t let me stop you.” 

It was almost like he was daring you to. Spencer’s jaw seemed tense as you examined his expression, the way his gorgeous brown eyes darted from the man and back to you. “You don’t mind?” You asked, arching a brow, almost like a challenge.

Spencer shook his head, his lips pursed. “Not at all. I’ll wait here for you?” 

You nodded, and turned towards the man. There wasn’t any harm in getting a guy’s number, right? Your feelings for Spencer were a lost cause, anyway. Plus, as Nan liked to point out, you weren’t getting any younger. 

The man’s eyes locked on yours and he seemed to understand that you were about to speak with him. He met you halfway, and you shook his hand. “Malcolm Greene,” he introduced himself, and you spouted off your own name in return. “You’re not here with that guy?” He asked, jerking his chin over to Spencer. Your eyes followed Malcolm’s, and you saw Spencer with his body turned towards the photography exhibit, but his head turned to the side, as if he were keeping an eye on you with his peripheral vision. 

“Yeah, I am,” you said, and Malcolm’s head inclined to the side. “I am. I’m here with that guy,” you panicked, suddenly realizing in that moment that you weren’t interested in speaking with Malcolm. No, you had absolutely no interest in spending your time with any other man but Spencer Reid. “I just, uh…” Your cheeks flushed, and you stifled an awkward laugh, anxiously trying to come up with some excuse. “I came over here to tell you that your shoe was united.” 

Your eyes followed Malcolm’s down to his shoes, which were loafers. Laceless loafers. Malcolm’s mouth opened as if to point this out to you, but you managed to stammer words out first. “Ok, well, have a great night, goodbye!” You turned on your heel and marched back over to Spencer, your cheeks red as you reached out for his arm. 

Spencer furrowed his brows down at you as your arm gripped his. “I need another glass of wine,” you confessed. 

Twenty minutes later, after two more glasses of wine and a very watchful eye out for Malcolm, you and Spencer left the art gallery. You were awfully giggly on the cab ride back to your place, cracking puns and humming along to the radio intermittently. Spencer seemed to be amused, but more so concerned with getting you home in one piece. 

As he walked you up the stairs to the door of your apartment building, he was teasing you about your conversation with Malcolm, which you still hadn’t told him completely about. “I still can’t believe you didn’t get his number. You were talking with him for exactly two minutes and twelve seconds. What, in that short of an amount of time, could have turned you off to him so quickly?” He pondered aloud, a playfully mocking tone lining his voice. 

“Listen, I shook his hand! I had my fun!” You exclaimed, bursting into laughter as you leaned against the handrail of the stairs that led up to the door. “Good, clean fun!” 

“You know, the number of pathogens that are passed during a handshake is staggering. It’s actually safer to kiss someone,” Spencer rattled off, and your eyes snapped to meet his. 

You don’t know what took you over. Maybe it was the wine. Maybe it was the way the street lamps reflected in the irises of his eyes, or how you stood just a few inches away from him. Maybe it was his stupid tweed blazer, how he looked like a tenured art history professor despite barely being thirty years old. Maybe it was the way he smelled like pine and printer ink, a combination you wouldn’t have ever thought was attractive. 

But when Spencer said that, you stood up on your toes and kissed him. It was slow and innocent at first, until it passed the border into lingering, and Spencer’s hands found your hips, pulling your body closer to his. There was a cool night breeze that filtered through the space between your bodies, and by the time you pulled your lips away from Spencer’s, and slowly opened your eyes, you were completely red in the face and breathless. 

No, that certainly wasn’t the safest choice you could have made.

[bitterkarella]

Identifying furries by their fursonas

Fox- this is the default fursona for the default furry, namely a twink with a blown out fucked to death asshole

Vixen- Girl fox referred to as a vixen is an egg, girl fox just referred to as a fox is an out trans woman

Kistune - the same as above but weeb flavor

he-wolf - a greasy guy who weighs 12 pounds soaking wet and wears a fedora. republican.

she-wolf - the butchest bull dyke you ever saw

coyote - manic depressive. always on something. the drug connection at any furry party

Cat- always a woman

black cat - could be any gender but always goth

kitten/kitty - a trans sex worker, has an only fans they really want you to know about.

bobcat - older dude. wants people to think he's ex-military

Jaguar - an older black guy. will probably have the word "black" in his fursona's name

lion - just a huge asshole

tiger - another asshole. old. wants you to believe he's ex military or ex-police, probably a member of the dorsai irregulars. major grill dad vibes

jackal - a huge asshole and a slut. white gay racist, probably transphobic

cougar - either a trans woman or a terf. there's no in between

Horse - white woman who identifies as 2 Spirit or a guy who wants to be stomped on

Pony - gay nazi

unicorn - either the absolute gayest dude you can be or a 9 year old girl. sometimes a late in life transition

Tanuki - latino

badger - either a huge lesbian or an old avuncular straight guy. possible sex pest

Raccoon - nature's greatest mistake. too normie to be furry, too furry to be normie. dilf.

bat - either a goth or a real annoying shit (some overlap). invader zim fanboy. doesn't drink alcohol but claims to act crazy on "sugar highs." definitely has dabbled in webcomics

cow - a woman. maternal. mom friend or mommy dom. milf. possibly trans femme

steer - a big strong fat rough trade gay guy

sheep - mom vibes

pretty much any farm animal - mom vibes

domestic pig - wild card. might be a wet and messy fetish thing tho or a trash eating thing. loves to be stinky. loves to talk about being stinky.

wild pig - trans masc

skunk - either a fat beardy guy who has a tumblr blog about animation squash & stretch or a stoner gal. very straight. the straightest. a kinsey 0. has strong feelings about what the fandom used to be like before there were all these kids in it.

rat - is a huge asshole as a front, probably likes talking cigars

lemur - autistic

sloth - 420 blaze it. will never finish any commissions

chakat - an older cishet man who thinks the fandom is too political & refers to "anime" as "japanimation"

sergel - nazi

citra - the biggest dipshit you've ever met

procyon - furry equivalent of the thomas jefferson miku binder pic. you should not be talking to this person, this is a literal child

weasel - a girl with cluster b personality disorders

ferret - a person who has at least one pet ferret, but probably many

mole - this person thinks they're in a beatrix potter story

guinea pig/chinchilla/jerboa/gerbil/any kind of fat rodent you can keep as a pet - the sweetest person you will ever meet

armadillo/pangolin/anteater/aardvark - smug, contrarian. "i just wanna be different"

mouse - vore fetishist, prey. sub.

hyena - vore fetishist, pred. probably trans masc

otter - a dommy twink, possible enby

bear - gay

panda - absolutely a white person pretending to be asian. probably running a gofund me scam with a suspicious story about how they're a professional nintendo gamer who injured their hand or something

bullfrog - a huge fat hairy straight guy

any other frog - inflation or rubber fetishist

axolotl/newt/salamander - genderfluid enby

rabbit - trad wife trans woman

squirrel - autistic and gay

deer - gay

gazelle - zootopia megafan

monkey - punk DIY artist type, definitely loves weed

ape - absolutely baffling. nothing this person does or says makes any sense. you will be left wondering whether you're speaking to a child, a person with severe mental issues, or someone who doesn't have english as a first language

elephant - mom friend

hippo - a fat fetishist or a transformation fetishist

rhino - an older cishet dude who wants to project a curmudgeonly yet approachable aura

kangaroo - definitely not an australian person. extremely focused kinkster, usually feet or inflation. more STDs than should be possible to carry

koala - an asian woman

virginia opossum - anarchist/communist punk trans man who makes zines and/or comics

australian possum - just here to have fun. wants everyone else to be having fun too. wacky funster. (sugar gliders and flying squirrels fall under this category)

any other marsupial - poser

monotremes - extreme poser, don't even bother

doberman- gay dude who tops from the bottom or a cop (there is some overlap)

german shepherd - a nazi or a cop (there is substantial overlap). definitely a furry raider. he will wear his cop uniform to con and after con will post videos pretending that someone was rude to him

afghan - arch femme

basset hound - racist

puppy - sub, probably an egg. extremely draining. cries a lot

all other dogs - just dudes being bros (gender neutral)

dragon - the furries of furries. like to talk about eating "sammiches" and "chocklit." probably an adult baby lifestyler. they will send DMs that just say "hi." they like to RP and when they contact you about a potential commission they are actually just trying to trick you into RP

griffin - the same as above but also a brony

snake - sissy hypno fetishist

turtle - an old man, probably southern. an ironic grandpa.

other scalies - furry in denial. either a child or an old person from CYD. the world's last something awful goons

any fursona with latino vibes - white

any fursona with asian vibes - latino

any fursona with native american vibes - eastern european

avian - girl who's not like other girls. hippie. vegan.

raven/crow - agender voidgoth

chicken - mom vibes

dinosaur - the absolute biggest nerd. probably has an actual degree in paleontology. definitely dresses like miss frizzle.

any invertebrate - not a real furry, their girlfriend just made them get a furaffinity account before they could get ass. either that or they've never even heard of furry, they just came up with the idea of anthropomorphics from first principles. a biology teacher or weirdo (there is some overlap)

amoeba - this is a troll

[paxcallow]

Shoutout to your Raz for being a little cutie patootie anyway can you spare a headcanons about him for the poor *holding out my little orphan lad hat*

hehehe thank you also OH BABY YOU KNOW I CAN! i may have like 3 hours before i have to get a train to georgia but i always have time for RAZ and TALKING about RAZ!

PAX RAZ HEADCANONS GO! NO PARTICULAR ORDER OR THEME.

raz becomes pescetarian after the meat circus. i say pescetarian and not vegetarian because of his toxic relationship with Crab Sandwich. crab sandwich is raz's friend. but raz kind of wants to eat crab sandwich.

^ raz is kind of a freak.

like all things, raz picks up hydrokinesis pretty quickly, but for a while the Hand of Galochio Aquato will not grant him access to water deep enough to swim in. he beats himself up over this somewhat because neither queepie or frazie struggle with the hand like he does and while they're learning to swim, he's standing on the surface of the water like jesus.

actually, i feel like the Hand was always the most physically real to raz than any of the others because of his lack of denial about being a psychic. all the others felt the unnatural fear at a body of water and it grew much more violent and undertowed in the presence of the psychics, but a young razputin aquato heard the name "Hand of Galochio" and took that very literally.

sorry for the sadcanons. bonus augustus headcanon for your trouble. this barrier to water is something raz and dad can bond over, because while augustus can physically get in the water, he is utter ass at swimming and learns it the slowest of anyone in the family. he is so brave but after a lifetime of water curse, being in it feels the most unnatural. you know that clip from golden boy of kintaro(?) drowning all the way across the pool before turning around and very badassly going "So! How do you like my swimming. >:)" that's augustus while raz runs across the water beside him cheering him on.

he got his goggles from true psychic tales magazine, but he uses them now mostly to combat visual overstimulation. it takes him several years to realize that's what he's doing. projecting through a psi portal is very visually intense and that's why raz is convinced for the longest time that those things actually did anything psychic.

a combination of what donatella calls "sibling survival instinct" being surrounded by so many kids his age at camp, needing to blow off steam after just having run away from home, and wanting to make a good impression at his big new job is what explains the difference in raz's rudeness between psychonauts 1 and 2. in psychonauts 3, raz is going to repeatedly say some out of pocket shit to some fellow kids and then feel really guilty because he's a professional now.

i know i've said this before but it bears repeating that raz is a little menace about tickling. he just genuinely likes it and can't imagine that anyone might not. but he's soooooo shy so his primary way of getting tickles himself is being a little shit. that tends to do the trick. he's definitely not extremely obvious about it every single time. everyone totally doesn't know what he's doing.

raz proudly eats food off the floor. raz thinks wasting food is a crime!! he'll eat your leftovers. he'll drink the rest of your soda. he'll eat the other half of your sandwich. empty your unwanted snax into the grumpus that is razputin aquato.

this is sometimes the only way to get him to eat because often he forgets to until his stomach is screaming at him to spare its life. when he is very focused on something for a while, raz's neglect of himself hits him all at once. man im tired- ooh wait im hungry- oh im thirsty too- AH my eyes hurt have i not been blinking- whoa how is it after midnight already- OUCH i have a headache! my feet hurt! etc. he. needs people looking out for him.

raz is going to be a really good dad one day.

raz knows he is cute. intellectually. he uses this to his advantage to subtly manipulate adults into letting things slide or giving him floor bacon. but he has not internalized the fact that he is genuinely a little cutie pie not through his genetics and social engineering skills, but by being a little dorky smush face who is always earnest, borderline transparent, so so so brave, easily embarrassed, wanting to be friends with everyone, being a little baby bean,[i am slowly dragged off the stage with a cane]

[grantwilsonenjoyer]

The thought just struck me

Do you think anyone but the teens ever knew that normal watched his mum die? Because I don't think they'd mention it personally,

She's there, she's fine, the whole family is back together, finally, and the kids are all still in shock from this huge horrific fight, killing a man, and then becoming god for a second

So it's forgotten in the moment

And later they each remember it, but individually don't bring it up for whatever reason, link doesn't have the voice for it, Taylor doesnt think to mention it, scary is having a hard enough time bringing herself to tell her parents anything, let alone something she views as indirectly her fault (letting willy out in the first place)

And normal? Normal can't bring himself to ruin the good vibe in his family, his granddad is here, his parents are there, completely fine, uncle lark is doing better and getting on with grandpa Henry, hero is even spending time with him

How can he tell someone he watched willy murder the woman standing there in front of him, laughing at something lark said while he's washing up

Maybe hero finds out first, months later, maybe years, hidden under a duvet in the dead of night, they do this sometimes, when hero can't sleep thinking about her almost destiny, and normal can't sleep because of his destiny that was

And he whispers to her, very quietly, that sometimes he forgets that he'd brought mum back when he was god, some days he walks down stairs and instead of his mother eating breakfast or drinking coffee all he can see is the look on her face the moment she exploded into dust, sometimes he's not sure shes really their mother but is more like the build-a-bear hermie2, who is definitely a real person sure, but hes too similar to normals dead husband while too different at the same time

Or maybe it's scary who says it first

In one of the many midnight snack meetings she has with Terry Jr nowadays, they never talk much, usually just absentmindedly watch some TV while neither can sleep because of willy

She says that she feels guilty for a lot of things, and she knows she's not supposed to because willy manipulated her, but even when she can forgive herself for the active participation in tony pepperonis murder, she hasn't been able to forgive herself for causing Rebecca's death, and she's not sure she ever will

I love how will Campos can go an name a character Normal as if I'm ever going to have a normal thought about that boy ever also him and Hermie2 did date for a bit but had to break up because normal kept waking up screaming thinking he was back holding Hermies lifeless corpse byyyeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeeeeeeeeeee

HI SORRY I NEVER ANSWERED YHIS OOPSIES

and yea i think norm prob did not talk much abt what happened given that bec is still alive, and it's just kind of? brushed over at first?

i think he maybe doesn't even Realize it's still affecting him at first but every time he sees his mom laugh it makes him feel kind of sick. his fight-or-flight activates when they're having family time and she's not there, and at first he thinks it's just because he still isn't getting along with sparrow that well. and then one day he has a nightmare, maybe, or a panic attack, or Something. and it just clicks. he watched her die. she shouldn't be here, but she is, and so all of the love and grief for her can't even come out. it's all stuck in those few moments where she was gone, and so is normal, and so he can't quite believe that she's real unless he can actually see/hear her (and even then, sometimes it's hard)

BUT i do wonder if sparrow knows, given that norm chose to use the 'wish' on the throne to bring back her (&the rest of the ppl willy killed). and i think they worry abt it a lot, esp having gone thru the Same Thing (twice, if you count lark in oakvale) but norm obviously doesnt want to talk to them so they don't even know if they should try.. uaugh.

also norm and hero :(( i adore them i am cradling them so gently. The siblings ever.

+ ALSOOO scary . see this is extra crazy b/c obviously she is in a very similar situation as well with terry jr.. norm wanting to talk to scary b/c maybe she'll Get It but also being so worried that scary is going to blame herself even more if he opens up abt it.. what if i Died

+will campos wants me specifically dead i'm gonna GET him

[springsteenicious]

This is how Macdennis gets together in season 17. no, it's just a drabble I wrote about them getting together and Mac being super pumped about it. might be slightly OOC I'm still getting used to writing these characters

____

"Okay, try this one," Charlie said, offering two cups of a suspiciously cloudy green beverage to Dee and Frank. 

Dee sniffed the drink. "This smells like vinegar, Charlie, what's in this?"

"That smell would be the vinegar, yeah. Then there's milk and absinthe." 

Dee scowled and put the drink down. Frank shrugged and knocked it back in one go. He made a face afterwards. "Woah! That's intense!" 

Charlie grinned and nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was going for." He looked around the bar. "Where's Dennis? I want him to try it." 

Dee looked around as well. "Yeah, and where's Mac?" 

Suddenly, the door to the back office flew open. Mac burst out, a huge grin on his face. "YES! It finally happened! This is the best day of my life! FUCK YEAH!" He ran behind the bar and hugged Charlie tightly, lifting him off the ground a little. 

"What's happening?" Charlie asked as Dennis came out of the back office as well. 

Dennis sat down calmly next to Dee. "I kissed him." 

"Dennis kissed me!" Mac shouted. 

"Fucking finally," Dee grumbled. "What made you snap?" 

Dennis shrugged. "I'm old as shit, I don't want to keep avoiding it." 

"That's awesome, guys. Mostly for Mac," Charlie said, patting Mac's back since they were still hugging. 

"It's the most awesome thing ever," Mac said. 

Charlie finally peeled away from the hug and pushed Dee's neglected glass towards Dennis. "Try this drink I made." 

"It's vinegar, milk, and absinthe," Dee said. 

Dennis frowned. "No. That's disgusting, Charlie." 

Charlie rolled his eyes. "Fine. Mac?" 

Mac moved his hand to pick up the glass, but Dennis gave him a look. "If you drink that, I'm not kissing you again for at least a week." 

"You're gonna kiss me again?" Mac asked, grinning and moving away from the drink. 

"What? Yeah. Why wouldn't I- Whatever. Don't drink that shit." 

"So are you two, like, boyfriends now?" Frank asked. 

"Are we?" Mac asked Dennis. 

"Sure." 

Mac pumped his fist several times, chanting, "Yes, yes, yes!" 

"You're such a loser," Dennis said. When Mac's celebration turned to pouting, Dennis amended, "It's cute, though." Mac beamed and pumped his fist again. 

"This is seriously the greatest thing to ever happen to me," Mac said. 

"Since when do you like men, Dennis?" Frank asked. 

"Since always," Dennis said. 

"What? No way," Mac said. 

"Yes way. I experimented in college and I've been banging guys ever since. I just never told anyone." 

"I don't believe you," Mac said. "Why wouldn't you tell us?" 

Dennis gives him a look. "You were always banging extension cords together and talking about how the gays are going to hell, why would I tell you that I liked men?" 

"Oh. Sorry. Why didn't you say anything after I came out, though?" 

"You were way too clingy and I didn't want to be with you just yet." Dennis shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We all know now, we're together, it's fine." 

Mac giggled. "We're together." 

"I think you broke Mac, dude," Charlie said. 

"I've just been waiting for this moment for so long I can't believe it's actually happening," Mac said. "Thirty years is such a long time to wait." 

"I know," Dennis said. 

"You can't complain! You're the reason we waited thirty years!" Mac said. 

"I am not! If you were more comfortable with your sexuality we would have been together in our twenties!" Dennis said. 

Mac sighed. "Okay, fine. But you're definitely the reason we didn't get together when I came out!" 

"Sure, whatever." 

Mac smiled and turned to the rest of the gang. "Okay, next matter of business: How soon is too soon to say I love him?" 

"I'm right here, dipshit," Dennis said. 

"Five minutes is definitely too soon," Dee said. 

Charlie shrugged. "I don't know. You've been saying you love him since we were, like, twenty-eight." 

"But that was in a friend way," Mac said. 

"You can say it whenever, just don't expect me to say it back," Dennis said. 

"You don't love me?" Mac asked, a pitiful look befalling his face. 

"Yeah, I do, but I'm not saying it," Dennis said. 

Mac's mouth dropped open in a silent scream. Then he turned and grabbed Charlie by the shoulders. "Is this real? You heard that? I'm not dreaming?" 

"It's real, dude, chill out," Charlie said. 

"I just can't believe Dennis actually loves me back." Mac let go of Charlie and turned back to Dennis. "I love you." 

Dennis smiled a little. "I know." Mac leaned across the bar and kissed Dennis. Dennis moved his hands to cup Mac's face, keeping him in the kiss. 

"Boo! We don't wanna watch you two faggots making out all the time," Frank said. 

They broke apart. "We got together literally five minutes ago, let us have this," Mac said. 

"Actually, Mac, I think we should go home," Dennis said. "We should celebrate our new relationship properly without these idiots around." 

"You're so right, Dennis." Mac came back around the bar as Dennis stood from his seat. Then Mac easily picked Dennis up bridal-style, making Dennis shout in surprise. "See you losers tomorrow." With that, Mac carried Dennis out of the bar.

"Good for them," Charlie said. "Now, I'm gonna have those guys try my drink." He set up another round of vinegar milk drinks to bring to the old guys in one of the booths.

[bunny-underground]

How I'd rate BTD characters as customers

(Coming from a bartender with social anxiety)

Strade 9/10

He would be the best type of customer and I hate it- He can hold a conversation without talking at you, He's not going to be high-maintenance or complain. Plus he's ordering a lager off tap which is the easiest thing to pour and carry. Would definitely just be an easy person to deal with (Unless he takes an interest in me then I'm fucked.)

Young Ren 8/10

The same vein as Strade but with added awkwardness, he's pretty easy to talk to but there are a few awkward silences. He probably wants a spirit with a mixer but just says something generic like "Rum and coke" Which leads to me having to ask him what rum and it stresses both of us out. "Just whatever." I don't drink rum, Please don't make me make that call. If he wears some kind of anime or game merch it would help get a conversation going though...

Lawrence 5/10

This man is on the same awkward levels as me and he needs to not- Wants to be left alone which is great but he then proceeds to stare at me over the bar which makes me think he wants something but when he doesn't ask it causes me to pull my usual (Hiding under the bar and clinking bottles together so it sounds like I'm doing something). That or I'm hiding in the cellar for a bit. I will give him points because I can't see him being a hardcore Karen.

Celia 2/10

I'm sorry girlie but you would 100% complain and critique my service to my face. Snaps her fingers to get my atention when im walking past. Would also get angry that I don't know my wines or whisky off by heart and then can't recommend anything ;-; She is also definitely making passive-aggressive comments about me in general if she doesn't feel the service was good enough. She would make me cry during a shift. Girl please I'm trying.

Derek 1/10

Is the type of person to tell you why he's not tipping. Shouts at wait staff and whistles at them as well. Keeps returning the first drink claiming it's wrong or not what he ordered He did in fact order that first drink he's just being difficult. Would act like you were a friend if he was trying to show off to someone which I would awkwardly have to go along with it because "Customer is always right" Would also make me cry during a shift.

Mason 10/10

MY LOVE- He just wants to be left alone and honestly, I respect that. No small talk no awkward staring. He probably doesn't even use words. If I come over to see if he wants a refill he'll either nod or wave me off and I appreciate that and the lack of actual conversation. King behaviour.

Old man Ren 3/10

Celia take two I'm sorry. Only thing is he doesn't openly complain he just has a look that's enough to make me wish the ground would open up and swallow me. Would also make me cry during a shift. But he's also the type to look unimpressed and annoyed at the service but tip anyway and give me whiplash. Doesn't snap his fingers at me, he has some vague respect for service staff but would still terrify me regardless

[medusapelagia]

Learning to Love 4

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5)

Rating: Mature Relationship: Steve /Billy Tags: enemies to lovers, internalized homophobia Words: 1143

Billy hasn’t seen Steve since the day of the test. There isn’t any need for them to study together anymore, and the pretty boy had left the basketball team months before, so the only way Billy had to see him is looking for him in the parking lot. But he is not always so lucky. More times than not he has to pick up his stupid step-sister and bring her safely home, losing the only occasion he has of seeing Steve.

He doesn’t miss the time they spent together. And he absolutely does not miss getting cozy on Steve’s couch and drinking beer while watching a movie. And he is definitely not still thinking about that night when Steve fell asleep and his head slid onto his shoulder and he felt his warm breath on his neck.

It's not that.

It's just that he is worried about him. 

"Are you still moping?" Max asks, opening the car's door.

"The fuck do you want?"

"I'm tired of seeing you moping around, ok? You are still an asshole but when you were hanging out with Steve you were a little bit less of an asshole."

Billy glares at her. "What are you saying?" He replies in an icy cold tone.

"Nothing. Just that it was nice when you were friends with Steve. So, tell me, how bad did you fuck up?"

Billy pushes on the gas pedal, "I didn't fuck up."

"So why is he avoiding you?" Max insists.

"He is not. We don't have any more classes in common and he passed his test so now we have no reason to meet."

Max remains silent for a long moment, then she whispers "If there was an opportunity to meet him, would you be an asshole as usual?"

Billy lifts an eyebrow "What are you talking about?"

"The party wants to go to the arcade on Saturday and Steve is Dustin's friend, they searched for Dustin's cat together or something like that. Anyway, Steve is going to drive Dustin and you could drive me and Lucas."

"Lucas?" Billy growls, "Are you still hanging out with him?"

She sticks her tongue out "He is my boyfriend! Get over it!"

"You are too fucking young to have a boyfriend! You are thirteen for Christ's sake!"

"Come on! Everyone at school has a boyfriend! Why do you hate Lucas, huh?"

Billy doesn't reply, his eyes fixed on the road.

It's not true that he hates Lucas. Well, he doesn't like him very much, to be honest, he is sniffing around his sister after all and Billy is fiercely protective of his pack, but that's not the true reason behind his attitude. The true reason is that Billy knows that if Neil would even suspect that the girl is having a relationship with a boy he will lock her in the fucking basement.

That's what he did to Billy the first time that he saw him holding hands with Thomas; he beat him with the strap and locked him in the basement for two days, giving him just water and bread. He is pretty sure that Neil will not beat her, not if he wants to keep his shiny new wife, but he is pretty sure that he will not let her go to the skate park or arcade anymore. So, no, Billy doesn't like Lucas.

“Think about it. Driving Lucas and I and finally talking to Steve, or ruining my weekend and staying in your room all day.” She says while she gets out of the car, leaving Billy staring at the front door of their house on Cherry Lane.

***

Saturday afternoons Neil and Susan go to Indianapolis to spend the day, leaving Billy in charge of Max, which is something that annoys both of them, but this time Max is determined to convince Billy to drive her to the arcade

“Come on! If you don’t drive me I’ll go on my skateboard!”

“You will not do such a thing!” Billy snarls, grabbing her arm harshly.

“I deserve to have some fun, Billy! The only reason I asked you to drive me is because I think that Steve’s friendship is good for you and I wanted to help you make peace, but if you are going to be an asshole as usual I’ll skate to Lucas and then I’ll ask his parents to drive us to the arcade!”

Billy glares at the girl, he wants to talk with Steve more than anything but he doesn’t like to be used like that.

“Fuck you, Maxine. You don’t know shit! So stop acting like you have all the answers in your fucking pocket.”

“Oh, I don’t know shit? I know why we moved here, Billy!” She retorts, covering her mouth as soon as those words come out.

“You… what?” He growls, grabbing her and pushing her against the wall.

“I didn’t tell anyone!” She assures him.

“Because there is nothing to say!” He screams, freeing her from his grip. Billy goes back to his room, slamming the door so hard that the poster above his bed wobbles.

Nobody can know what happened in California. Nobody. Not even Maxine.

A soft knock on the door breaks the seething silence in Billy’s mind.

“Fuck off!”

“I’m sorry. Billy, I’m sorry, for real. I didn’t mean… please. Come with me to the arcade. I saw the two of you together…” She whispers behind the door “You looked… you looked nice together.”

“I don’t know what the fuck you mean and I’m not going to drive you anywhere. You are grounded!” He replies, lightening a cigarette between his lips.

Max stays outside his room for a few moments before walking away and Billy finally relaxes. Did he start to feel something for the pretty boy he tutored? Maybe. But there is no way he is going to admit that, not even to himself.

He is lifting some weights, his body covered in sweat, when he hears the roar of a car that stops exactly in front of his house. Surprised, he looks out of the window and sees a familiar Beemer and immediately screams “MAXINE!” but the girl is already running toward the car with her backpack on her shoulder and Steve is holding the car’s door open for her when Billy gets on the porch.

“Maxine, come immediately back, you know that you are grounded.”

She sticks her tongue out “My mom is not here and she didn’t tell me I was grounded, she just told me that I should stay with you, not where. So get your shit together and come with us because I’m not getting back inside.” She replies bravely and if Billy’s look could kill she would be dead by now, but no, she is still there, smiling triumphantly at him.

Steve lifts an eyebrow “You coming or what?” 

[marvel-lous-guy]

Tony: PEteR bEnJAmiN PaRKeR!

Peter: y-yeah?

Tony: Why do you have a fake ID!?

Peter: *incoherent mumbling*

Tony: what was that?!

Peter: You have to be 18 to pet the puppies

[tallbluelady]

14. — bitter (for the one word writing prompts, please!)

"You know adding milk or cream will reduce the bitterness of the coffee, darling," Minthe said as Hades took a sip.

"I like it black." His face scrunched up after he took another.

She rolled her eyes. "If you say so..."

Thanks for the prompt!

[chuu-huahua]

@downbadforpixels I’M SORRY I’M LATE FOR THIS but hey guys have my brainrots for CAFE AU SOUKOKU

ok but i 100% agree with your cafe owner!chuuya cuz yes?? chuuya would be the type to find happiness in the smell of coffee and the whirring sounds of the machines. hc that he tried to make latte art once but it turned out so bad that he just never tried it again. kouyou is a regular at his cafe and they bond over wine after the cafe closes :)

ok but if chuuya is bad at latte art, then dazai would be a master at it. dazai being a well known latte/coffee artist(?) amongst cafe owners, and he has a habit of working at different cafes in order to learn more about making coffee. he was requested by chuuya to come work at his cafe to make latte art for the customers, and dazai readily agreed after realising that the one requesting was the most beautiful redhead he has ever seen and now he really wants to kiss him-

chuuya originally thought dazai would be a very quiet person because all the other people he has met who are good in latte art (kyouka, kouyou who’s a natural, gin etc) were all very quiet and focused people. so it was a big shock for him when he realised that yes, dazai likes to annoy the shit out of him during his shifts and propose double suicides to the ladies that come to the cafe.

but when he finally gets to watch dazai do his job properly, it’s like seeing him in a new light as he quietly foams the milk to perfection and his wrists flick as he moves the metal pitcher with practiced movements, forming the most beautiful flower he’s seen on the light brown surface of the coffee. chuuya can tell that dazai is in his own little world as he silently presents the cup to the customer, smiling quietly before going to wash the pitcher.

ok but they definitely fall in love with each other over time. chuuya starts to realise the small little habits that dazai has, like how he blows his fringe out of his face when it gets too long, or how his fingers play at the hems of his apron when he feels tired from working. and then one day dazai turns up to work with the cutest bedhead chuuya has ever seen, and with one side of his curls tucked behind his ear and oh, chuuya realises. oh.

dazai’s pov!

[1way2mars]

spending new year's eve dinner with my sister's boyfriend family was surprisingly comforting and i have to thank his brother for that. i have always heard my sis bf's brother is a picky eater. "just like you" my sister and her bf would tell me. i had only once happen to eat with his brother, and that one time my sis' bf had to prepare a different pasta dish for me because i wouldn't eat the pasta they had prepared for the rest of them. but when his brother arrived at their home in new year's eve, saw the food, jokingly turned to his brother and asked him: "okay so what am i gonna eat?" just brought me so much comfort. because that was the same question i asked when i saw all the appetiser on the table. and i felt so understood for the first time in my life.

sitting in front of him, seeing how he was refusing to eat the same dishes as i was, made me feel happier than it should have probably made me feel. but when he refused to try things because "you're saying it doesn't taste like fish, but it's still fish, so no thank you" or when i noticed how much he tensed up whenever his family made him try something in specific made me feel so much better than i usually feel in celebrations where the most important thing is the food. because seeing someone barely eating because of something like "being picky eaters" was something i have never seen in another person, so seeing someone like him picking a dish that is going around the table and handing it to the next person without even having a single thought of trying it made me feel so so valid.

both my sister and her boyfriend were super mindful about us, making sure we had at least sth we could eat during the starters. it wasn't much to be honest (it was jamón serrano and well, compared to the other stuff that was on the table it was pretty much sad that we were only eating that), but at least we had something we only ate the both of us. and im so grateful i could go through such a difficult celebration for me with someone who is going through pretty much the same situation as me. having him in front of me made everything much more easier and i wasn't that much conscious as i usually am. but also, it made me extremely sad that we have to go through things like this, that when our families prepare food doesn't even think of the stuff that we won't eat and think about things we might actually enjoy without the need of taking off ingredients. but this year, everything felt better and i'm glad i got to spend a day with someone like me

[weaselshaped]

Look, as someone who accidentally poisoned myself on the first turn of a boss fight, I cannot judge anyone else's gameplay errors, but I am still going to bully my brother mercilessly for somehow ending up with twenty-six pounds of alchemical reagents that can't be combined with each other

[rockshortage]

Gathering information on Hector:

🍇🌽🍰🍷🍻🍔🍟

🍇: What sort of friend are they? Where are they in the group dynamic?

Most of the time he’s just that small weird guy off to the side who just quietly follows along with whatever the others are doing. Sticks close like a nervous dog, or may also wander off if distracted by something that interests him. Which may or may not be noticed because he doesn't really speak up all that much unless a special interest is touched upon or something pisses him off.

🌽: How does this OC feel about acts of affection? What's their favourite act of affection, physical or emotional?

Definitely more on the emotional side, he likes it when people tell him he did a good job with something :) Or when his coat is looking extra flowy and evil today :) :)

He may be touch starved, but he will only submit to his need to be hugged after kicking and screaming a whole bunch (can be figurative or literal). Unless of course he’s getting kisses and head bumps from animals, now that’s the Good Shit

🍰: What's something your OC counts as unforgivable?

Hard agree with Django about child abuse. Animal abuse is a close second but there has to be a little bit more leeway there, considering he sorta has to forgive the Pack’s past transgressions.

🍷: What's one of your OC's pet peeves concerning food?

He has a real hard time understanding picky eaters. Fair enough when people don’t want to partake in his creative cooking but is it really necessary for someone to take apart a whole sandwich because there is one pickle slice in it? And why the fuck would you not eat the crust? Unbelievable…

🍻: What's your OC's favourite comfort ritual? How do they calm themselves down after a rough day?

Talking to/at MAAK is his main go-to. He’ll do that no matter what kind of day it was though, sometimes in combination with writing in his journal to bounce thoughts and ideas off the robot.

🍔: Are there any recent trends you think your OC would hate? Or love?

Honestly his knee-jerk reaction would be to be a grumpy old man about most new trends. Kids these days… As long as they’re not hurting anyone or being particularly annoying, he has an easy enough time ignoring them though.

🍟: What does your OC admit to be their guilty pleasure? What actually is their guilty pleasure?

This question keeps coming up and I never have a good answer lmfao

👉All pleasures are guilty when you’re anxious enough

[drifteratheart]

I swear, this shitty new job is doing the weirdest things to me.

So there is this guy and he is just so nice and kind and every time I see him, it makes me so happy and when I talk to him I get nervous.

Well, that’s a good old crush, you think. Nothing wrong with that, right?

But the thing is that he is 15 years older than me. And that’s just not me. I have never been into older guys. I mean, he looks and acts younger, but still.

So I gave this whole thing some thought and the truth is, I’m in a really unhappy place right now. And clearly this is just my stupid brain latching on to one of the few good things I have at that place.

Okay, now that I’ve figured out what this really is about, I can put it aside, right? I just need to stop thinking about him. It’s basically just a real life hyperfixation. It will pass. Besides, he is probably married anyways. Only I’m pretty sure he’s not. He has basically spent the last 2 months at our hotel, because his company keeps sending him here for work. And he will be here for another 2 months at least and I doubt he would agree to that, if he had a family at home, which is in a different state. So maybe he is married to his work actually. Which is not good either, right?

And have I mentioned that he is 15 years my senior??? I know it’s ridiculous. And yet I am sad that he goes home for the weekend again, which means I won’t see him at work tomorrow and on Saturday.

It’s probably a good thing that I will be on vacation next week and won’t have to see him. Maybe this will cure me. The distance will be good for me. Distance from work. Distance from him. Because really, this whole thing is so beyond ridiculous. He is just some guest. I am nice to him, he is nice to me. Basic deal of human interactions. This is not about being in love. And yet I have already assigned him his favourite room for next week in advance. And yet I can’t help but hope he will notice that I’m gone.

And then there’s this whole other thing this situation made me realize. I’ve said for a long time that I’m pretty sure I can be happy alone. I’m a loner anyways. And an introvert. I like being alone. Besides, I have my fictional worlds to dive into. Books, shows, movies. Stories that I create. I rarely feel lonely and that’s the truth. But still... suddenly I feel like something is missing after all.

[madefate]

character meta question: under what circumstances does your character belt the winner takes it all at the top of their lungs & what does the scene look like ?? comment!!

[arcane-strangeness]

had it about up to fucking here with my science teacher we're creeping up on how much bullshit i can take in a day and we're not even 20 minutes into class