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#he is the smartest and dumbest man alive
ohjaimelannister · 1 year
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‘Wesleys a lawyer, we like Wesley!’
‘Ehhh, we accept Wesley because we fear Lopez’
TIMOTHY.
….smart man.
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looking-for-orion · 10 months
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rwrb movie text posts p2
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braimin · 17 days
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Law has the autism rizz, but that's nothing compared to Zoro's autism And ADHD rizz. Bro is unstoppable, Sanji took one look at this sword obsessed weirdo and went like "alright fine whatever I'll love this bitch for the rest of my fucking life"
Bestie you are correct ✨
Law will like, hear about the stuff you like and will be able to recite crazy shit that's somehow connected to it right off the top of his head. When he makes eye contact it's like you're the only person he's seeing (which is really because no one told him it's okay to look away when you talk to someone so he take eye contact very literally lol). He's the type to be vaugely unsettling when you first meet him and then when you get to know him he's got a very nice vibe to him. Also Law surprisingly has game when he hits on people, like he could really pull some hotties if he wanted to lol. (He doesn't, he hates people.)
Zoro, like Law, is wholly uninterested in most people. But I feel like Zoro's rizz is really niche, it takes a specific type of person to really get into him. Sanji is, unfortunately, one of those people. Which really just means he's a morosexual. Because Zoro is somehow simultaneously one of the smartest and dumbest people alive. He's so reckless he's borderline suicidal and yet he's one of their best strategists, he has never picked up a book in the entire time he's been with the crew and yet he is their human calculator.
Sanji has found himself on more than one occasion saying stuff like 'That's so fucking stupid, tell me more.' There's just something about the way Zoro says dumb shit. And it's always after saying the most profound and wise things.
He's also the perfect amount of bouncing off the walls kind of feral, like Law is, for the most part, a fairly monotone guy (unless he's around Luffy and Kid). But Zoro is ready to fight or fuck at the drop of a hat. When they first met Sanji saw him go crazy for a fight with a man who was so obviously out of his league, then almost die over it and was like 'Uh oh why was that attractive?' Every time he sees that feral smile before a fight it's like the 'oh no, he's hot!' meme plays in his head on repeat.
He's mostly hyper fixated on his swords but after spending so much time with Sanji, Zoro has accidentally learned a bunch of shit about food and the kitchen so he's incredibly helpful when it comes to shopping and cleaning. Because Zoro knows all his systems and follows them to a T (He complains every step of the way though and that pisses Sanji off.) He fits really well in his kitchen, Sanji has almost forgotten what it felt like to not have him there and he's not entirely sure he could go back to how it was before.
So yeah, Sanji goes from 'Damn, why am I into this little weirdo?' to 'Fuck, I'm in love with this freak aren't I?'
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faarkas · 10 months
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tagged by my darlings @aartyom and @nuclearstorms to do this cheeky lil oc game. i love to rate my children.
no pressure tagging @vilkaas @rockerboys @malefiicarum @cptcassian @leefi @denerims @virmire @statichvm @jackiesarch and @reaperkiller !
enjoy the hastily cobbled together banners at midnight when i have work tomorrow. 😭
- picrew
– FAVORITE OC.
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salen trevelyan [dai] & verde jack [cp77]
ooohhhhhhh these two blond(e) freckly bitches are the baddies of all time for me. I’ve had Salen since 2017 and he’s remained my biggest comfort oc for some reason. he is literally just some layered bimbo with daddy issues and too much responsibility. 😭 AND VERDE IS JUST….woman of all time. Almost as old as Salen bc I started cobbling her together RIGHT after i saw the fake 2018 e3 demo. :^) But her aesthetic and character and just the way she is (talented artist exhausted and resigned to having to literally fight for her life…SO many different ways) appeals to me. These two and gwen are always on my mind I rly should do more with all of them tbh. they are so special to me.
– NEWEST OC.
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megan stern [re]
everybody say hiiii meg. She’s the new baby on the block and if U can believe it….she’s getting shit written about her. Imagine that. The blondies are fuming. Anyway she’s a bit of a spitfire pilot that gets the honour and dreadful task of loving chwis wedfield. She likes pickle flavoured potato chips. (among many many other strange flavours)
– OLDEST OC.
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elena lavellan [dai]
The fact that she’ll be 10 years old next year is giving me fucking heartburn. I don’t really think about her so much anymore, but she was the IT girl for a while. She still holds an esteemed position in my barbie playhouse or w/e. But she’s got the chronic pain, the wit, the beauty, the drive, the bravery to keep on trucking. tragically a c*llen romance first and then s*las second.
– MEANEST OC.
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vertex [cp77]
ms cuntress supreme. Her and gwen fought for this spot. But Vertex is MEAN, she’s bitter, she’s old, she’s warped, shes a netrunner, shes almost a cyberpsycho if not one already,,,, her and saburo get along. she’s EVIL. But she does have 1 son that she loves :( cuts her up that he’s basically cut her off completely :(
– SOFTEST OC.
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kas adaar [dai]
Kas and I who literally had a name change fight today bc his original name (Tibbalt) just wasn’t making sense. But he is one of the kindest, loveliest ocs in my collection. He bakes, he cleaves enemies with his greataxe, he has good advice, and deals with skyholds various issues. He’s a born leader and the ideal inquisitor. He’s a big advocate for peace .
– MOST ALOOF/STANDOFFISH OC.
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gwenyth lavellan [dai]
NOW THIS is my most babiest girl. my babybabygirl. She went through a lot as a young girl, basically trained into a 24/7 bodyguard for her clans keeper until the enclave happened. Gwen and being inquisitor…Bad mix. She’s aggressive, argumentative, violent, and shockingly strong. With enough genuine support and socialization she starts to relax and open up a little. And her relationship with Morrigan…..i love valenzo but gwen and morrigan are….Like wow. She mellows out into the aloof prickly bestie they all need. But U still never know what she’s thinking and if she’ll backhand u or not.
– DUMBEST (AFFECTIONATE) OC.
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nizana daevarran [bg3]
Shes in love with a morally dubious vampire. Loves garlic bread. She’s a rogue. Last play through she lost both her eyes. BABYGIRL IS NOT VERY SMART. BUT SHES SO PRETTY and likeable. voted most likely to say something dumb.
– SMARTEST OC.
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lorenzo vecchioni [cp77]
Even tho Lorenzo presents as the most ridiculous man alive, and acts like it, he is definitely my smartest main oc period. He is literally an engineer. LIKE AJDJFKN He’s still gotta go to school but likes. That’s an engineer right there. He’s intelligent in so many ways. Husband material ‼️‼️‼️
– OC YOU'D BE BEST FRIENDS WITH IRL.
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jade faulkner [cp77]
sweet lovely jade and i would get along i think. She’s easy going and willing to get along with almost anybody so. We’d hang out in the garage bc shes a lil grease rat. :3 Also video games. She loves a good game.
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devilbrakers · 10 months
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OC TAG GAME
was tagged by the lovely @aragorngf to sort some ocs and use this picrew! tysm <333333
FAVORITE OC:
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gray -- devil may cry 🌱
My poorest little meow meow. My wet paper bag of a mercenary. My sweet cheese. My silly rabbit. They simultaneously make my heart ache and soar whenever I think about them, their story, and everything that they are. I’ve put a lot of thought and care into them over the past couple of years that I’ve had them and they pretty quickly claimed this spot. They are my favorite brainworm <3. 
NEWEST OC:
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aurora -- devil may cry 
There’s actually a newer oc but I made like. 2 days ago and I’m not quite ready to share her with everyone yet so here’s Rory!! Not too much on her backstory yet. She’s not involved with any canon characters, just Gray and eventually Dmitri. She does die a few years after meeting them unfortunately 😔  
OLDEST OC:
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tihtiyas -- resident evil 
Maverick is technically my first oc but he’s just changed soooooo much while Ti hasn’t much in comparison so I put her here instead. I’ve mostly just refined her as I’ve gotten older. I’ve had her since I was about 12 years old and she means a lot to me :) even tho I don’t talk about her too much. I really like her story and her relationship with Leon and the other characters. I made her when at a time where I was struggling with accepting my identity as an indigenous person (not because I was ashamed but bc of other reasons) and she kinda helped me with that! 
MEANEST OC:
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jace -- fable
This was a tie between him and Zeke, whom I could not make in the picrew so </3. I will give Jace the title of the worst man in Albion purely because Reaver was not alive during the first game JDFSKL. Jace was raised by good people and knew a lot of kindness in his life though he’d end up jaded to the world around him anyway due to the first raid of Oakvale that happened when he was only a child. This would result in the loss of father and sister while his mother was nowhere to be found, or so he thought. To Jace, kindness is weakness and only the strong can survive. Though one could argue he takes that sentiment a step too far.
SOFTEST OC: 
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valen -- skyrim
The sweetest girl in all of Tamriel!! Valen is soooo special to me. She is a bosmer and a healer, a job that requires no small amount of compassion. Her story is one of self-discovery, particularly discovering her strength and self-worth though she loses no amount of kindness along the way, she just doesn’t let it get in the way of taking care of herself anymore. 
MOST ALOOF/STANDOFFISH OC:
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silas -- dragon age: origins
This is partially a defense mechanism (mainly against humans) but also because of their overwhelming autistic swag. At their core, Silas is kind and protective of those around them, perhaps overwhelmingly so. They’re also irresponsible and flighty but becoming a warden forces them mature pretty rapidly. Through their journey, they discover their knack for leadership and for problem-solving even if they’re not the most diplomatic. Their relationship with Mivera (their sister), Zevran and the other companions is really special to me!   
DUMBEST (AFFECTIONATE) OC:
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sylvan -- skyrim
I had such a hard time with this one because none of my ocs are really stupid? I picked Sylvan because I guess he’s the least intelligent but mostly just acts like a giant dumbass because he thinks it’s funny. But it also works to his benefit when others underestimate him. He’s not the most academically sound but he has the street smarts, charisma, and looks to make up for it. 
SMARTEST OC:
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demetria -- eso
I don’t think you can be as old as she is and be dumb fjdslf. But her upbringing had a heavy focus on the academics and magic so she’s always been incredibly book smart. She was, however, lacking any sort of street smarts or social skills until she left the cave she was raised in. But this would change upon meeting Valkya and Hakon, two nord warriors turned mercs who took her under their wing. She’s blunt, witty, and a tiny bit arrogant but is also kind and loves to talk about her studies any chance she gets. She’s a nerd <3. 
OC I WOULD BE BEST FRIENDS WITH:
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eden -- devil may cry 
She is truly the bestie of all time. I’ve always found myself drawn to people like Eden (extroverted, kind, and very talkative) and she loves to adopt sad little introverts so I think we could be great friends! Sitting on a rooftop and watching the stars with her would fix me, I think. 
tagging: @numbaoneflaya​ @time-is-a-lake​ @aartyom​ @celticwoman​ @mrs-theirin​ @nuclearstorms​ @morvaris​ @druidgroves​ @katsigian​ @swanfey​ @swordcoasts​ @jillvalcntines​ and anyone else who’d like to join in!! 
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Hello! If you like this idea i would love to request tired Engineer Mark cuddled up on Captain's lap (just soft platonic cuddling) and maybe he'll even fall asleep? And Captain will give him a forehead kiss?🥺 And carry him to bed?🥺🥺
Gosh I just want to take care of this man
Get Some Sleep Dork (Platonic Space Mark x GN Reader)
summary- You wake up late in the night to find your best friend Mark working late in the office. You have an issue with that.
TW- Kinda short, stress, overworking. Nothing major
Hi, I'd like to apologize if this is kinda weird. I have like 3 friends and I don't let any of them touch me much, let alone cuddle me. I tried my best! I hope you like it! I also want to take care of him though, lord knows he needs it. Thanks for Requesting, I hope you enjoy!!!
Masterlist
Join the Taglist <3
While it was exciting to be a part of creating a new colony on a new planet, it is also the most stressful thing a person can go through. You as the captain had experience in time management and not overworking yourself. Your best friend and head engineer, Mark ,did not have that experience, and that's how you ended up here.
It was about 4 in the morning, and you had woken up thirsty. As you walked through your and Mark’s shared house you saw the light on in Mark’s office. You let out a sigh. Mark was iffy about having you as a roommate but after a few months, you both have gotten used to living with each other. There were a couple of reasons why you wanted to live in the same house as the engineer. Making sure he didn’t overwork himself was one of those reasons. 
You walked softly past his office into the kitchen and made some sleepy time tea, a resource you were happy to have. 
You grabbed both mugs and walked towards the office, as you got closer you could hear him typing and his sighs. Most of the time you loved his determination to get work done, but you didn’t love waking up to find your best friend still working at the crack of dawn. 
You gently knocked on the door, a surprised, 
“Come in” was heard as you pushed open the door balancing the mugs
. You frowned as your eyes fell onto Mark, he was still in his jumpsuit. As he looked up at you, you saw how disheveled his hair was and the dark bags under his eyes. 
“ Captain, what are you doing up?” he asked his voice was not as loud or positive as it usually was.
“Could ask you the same thing Mark,” you replied placing the tea in front of him, 
“Drink,” you told him as you took a sip of yours, he groaned but complied not wanting to argue over it. You sat on the chair across from his desk and watched as he sipped the tea. Just as he put his cup down to continue typing you reached over and slammed the laptop shut.
“Captain!” Mark said surprised and offended, 
“ Mark, you are one of the smartest and somehow dumbest people alive. Why are you up?” you asked, he leaned back in his chair and groaned once again, his hands running down his face.
“ I’m just trying to finish up the blueprints for the plasma shields,” he answered his shoulders falling.
“ You mean the blueprints that aren’t due for another 2 weeks?” You questioned standing up. He closed his eyes and shook his head, 
“Yeah, yeah I guess so,” he replied, as you walked behind him placing your hands on his shoulders. 
“Mark your my head engineer. You have the brightest mind and the most determination out of anyone I know.” You twisted his chair around to face you, 
“But you're also my best friend Mark. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, you're gonna burn yourself out. “ you said, Mark, not looking you in the eye.
“But everyone is relying on me, I can’t take a break,”  he mumbled under his breath. A frown found your face as you gently lifted his face in your hands, 
“Everyone deserves breaks, especially you. You do so much for everyone in this community. Working yourself this much is self-destructive, and no matter what you do here it’s not worth your health.” you softly stated. Mark looked up at you, he leaned into your palms. 
“Yeah, I think your right captain.” He slurred out with a yawn. You offered him a hand and joked, 
“Aren’t I always?” Mark let out a small laugh as he took your hand, letting you pull him up. You took a final sip of your tea as you sat down on the couch in Mark’s office. He yawned and plopped himself down onto your lap, his head on your shoulder. 
“Mark, don’t you think your bed would be more comfortable?” you softly asked, putting your hands around him. 
“Too far away.” He mumbled into your shoulder. You let out a gentle laugh as you felt Mark fall asleep in your lap. A soft smile appeared on your face. You're glad you can take care of him like this. Lord knows he needs it.
As Mark started to drool on your shoulder and mumble nonsense, you decided to take him to his room. 
You adjusted your grip on him and picked him up as gently as you could. You mumbled to the computer to open the doors for you. The computer did so as you took Mark to his room. You laughed as you heard him mumble something about “Being the king of five nights at Feddy’s.” whatever that meant. 
As you went into his room he curled more into you. You were glad the sheets were already pulled back as you laid Mark down on his bed.
 He grumbled and tried to hold onto you. You gently pried him off of you and pulled the sheets over him. With one last gentle kiss on the forehead, you whispered,
“Get some sleep, Dork.” 
You pulled out a paper and pen from his desk and quickly wrote down, 
“You have the day off today, no negotiations. If I find you working I’m gonna hide the coffee for a week, 
Love, your best friend “
Masterlist
Join the taglist <3
|| Taglist||
@authorracheljoy , @dawnsvalley
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the-laridian · 10 months
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OC Tag Game
I think I've been tagged for this by @the-lastcall and @kyber-infinitygems? Maybe @darkfire1177 too? I'm behind on the tag games, I know.
The Favorite You can't make me pick a favorite! I love them all! They're favorites for different reasons, maybe, but man. Don't make me pick.
The Oldest
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Technically, Gunnar. The earliest form of Gunnar has been around for 10 years or so now, but he's been in a lot of AUs and changes, so the current form of him is competent and fairly well off mentally. (Earliest version of Gunnar, under a slightly different name, went through some real sh*t, man. His creator was not in a good place at the time.)
The Newest
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Decanus Agrippa, an officer in Caesar's Legion. Agrippa doesn't approve of everything the Legion does, but he also doesn't see a way out of it, and being practical, makes sure he stays alive and tries to draw only the right kind of attention to himself. Agrippa's story currently involves an NCR corporal named Leo who's determined to get Agrippa out of the Legion because dammit, if he can save even one man from falling into that pit of monsters, it's worth a try. (Leo's thought process is that Agrippa is a good man caught in a bad situation, which is pretty accurate.)
The Meanest
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Probably Willow just because he's still in his young-and-stupid phase (though he should grow up and out of it soon). He can say things without thinking, and sometimes gets a little no-filter.
The Softest
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Rowan in most incarnations, but TOW!Rowan specifically. Rowan is generally a kind and unaggressive person, who wants to get along with people. TOW!Rowan still feels that way even after being trod down his entire life. He puts people ahead of himself, and he just wants a quiet life with what we'd consider the minimum standard: enough food, a comfortable place to live, and not being overworked. Rowan's very gentle at heart and hard to provoke, but he can be provoked and will fight back when he's pushed hard enough.
The Most Standoffish/Aloof
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Agrippa, just because you don't get to be an officer in the Legion by being chatty and friendly.
The Smartest
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Gunnar actually has a doctorate degree, so he's certainly the most educated. He also can and will infodump without warning. TOW!Rowan could've really gone on to something if he'd been able to attend university, but as it is, he's very articulate and has an ability to write fiction, or more specifically, screenplays and scripts.
The Dumbest
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Agrippa hasn't had much formal education, enough to read and write and do maths, which is all a standard officer needs. He doesn't see a need to know more than that, but it's not like Legion army culture wants its officers highly educated or knowledgeable of things outside military matters. Willow did have his required 12 years of mandatory public school, though it was in the Vault, and wasn't always something he actually needed to know for surviving Outside like everyone talked about his whole life. Willow isn't stupid, but he doesn't write or spell words easily. This in turn makes him feel stupider than he is, and he worries that people will pick up on that and consider him the dumb one.
The One I'd Be Friends With All of them? It'd be harder with Willow because he's younger, but not impossible.
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bombcollar · 1 month
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it's been months since I first played Cadence of Hyrule but I'm still on about it because it's just got such fascinating lore implications. The triforce can just isekai people I guess!
Mostly it's about Octavo though. Who is this guy who somehow knows about the prophecy? How does he know? The most common theories I've seen have been either that he came from the future world or that he had a vision somehow, but I have my own wack ideas that I wrote an entire short fic about.
This guy somehow found a workaround to holding the triforce by turning it into an instrument, which is not something I think we've seen any other character in the series do. And then he gets said instrument slapped out of his hands and he decides to go fight Ganon anyway, because he's somehow the smartest and dumbest motherfucker alive at the same time. Or maybe he's just desperate. I absolutely adore him.
I have some more thoughts on him too regarding my general characterization of him.
The locket Octavo can pick up in-game suggests he's related to Vaati, but it's never confirmed outright. This is a totally fine theory and has plenty of potential, but personally when I write him I don't go that route.
Octavo is nobody. He has no family, he had no childhood. He is a man with no past and no future, doomed to fail or give up on his quest. He pretends there is something special in that locket but it is empty. He was born from a magical object so old its original creator is lost to time. He has passed through countless hands, used to both heal and harm, helpless to choose for himself until he finally awoke. He is still helpless to save his homeland. He pretends to be someone but he is no one and the Fates will not let him forget that. He is not a hero. He is not chosen. He is nobody and he should know his place.
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whileurmine · 2 months
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open to: m/w/nb character: memo castillo. 47. bank/art robber. loves pretty things. simultaneously dumbest and smartest man alive.
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"lonelyyyy, i'm mr. lonelyyy!" he sang, purposefully out of tune, trying to sprawl himself across their lap in the most inconvenient way possible. "i have no nobody for my ooOOoOOoOwn." the last part made out of a terrible out of tune vibrato. "lonely— i can do this all day, you know?"
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offantasiesandreams · 2 years
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God imagining. A More ridiculous route for the thought reading thing. ‘I am going to jump out of this window to get to that specter-‘ “NO!!!!!!!!”
Batter may be smart, but the smartest people can also be the dumbest alive! Reader really needs to keep him on a leash from time to time!
Mental Link - Silly Version
Despite being fairly odd for a library, with the majority of the shelves being fake and not allowing for the sole purpose of the building - reading, you had to admit to its aesthetic being rather nice. The view was remarkable. Had the edifice not been infested with the likeness of spectres it would have probably been a nice place to read books indeed. But that was not why you had taken it upon yourself to climb down this tower of knowledge: You simply forgot to write down the code granting access to the upmost part.
Even so, the story of how Japhet turned into the vile creature you knew him as was interesting. It did make you feel bad for both the Elsen and him. And knowing you had little to fear when it came to being assaulted by those horrid phantoms, due to your companion, you could take the happenings in without worry. Although you did know you had to hurry up, but that was not on your mind as you were engrossed in the books. …whale outside…
With a jolt you remembered your primary objective and noted down the order of the numbers on a luck ticket. It was quite unfortunate that you did not possess any other kind of paper. Scribbling on it might diminish its power. …have to defeat spectre…
You put it away, separating it from the untainted healing items, as you turned to Batter, who was staring out the window, eyeing something that had clearly caught his attention. Not unlike a cat, actually, but that was a thought for another day. Approaching him, you opened your mouth to speak, but couldn’t find the right words to say when you heard his thoughts: I am going to jump out of this window to get to that spectre.
In fact, he was already opening the window as you watched him for another second, the indescribable taste of panic mixing with disappointment. Seeing him climb onto the frame of the window revealed a power within you you were previously unaware of.
“NO!!!” There was no time for you to even think properly as you dashed towards him and grabbed him by the back of his shirt, pulling him back. Naturally, he stumbled ontop of you, but quickly got up once more.
The spectre is still out there.
“Batter, if you jump out of that window I will personally kill you before you hit the ground!”
The silence between the two of you for that second was deafening, until he finally spoke up again: “I can assure you-”
“NO!!!” Holding onto his sleeve so he wouldn’t run off, you groaned. “Give me your bat.”
He did as he was told and you soon held his, surprisingly heavy, weapon of choice. After having rotated it so you held the barrel in your hands, you lightly bonked him on the head with the knob several times. “My Player, that is not how you make proper use of a bat. If you so wish, I can show you how it is utilised.”
“My mans, I am punishing you right now. Stop doing stuff like this and I won’t have to bonk you.”
Even if Batter was being penalised right now, he did not seem to mind. If anything, all you could make out in his thoughts were observations of how he could have improved his already perfect plan of defeating the mammal.
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princeypng · 2 years
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Do you guys wanna see my trash man? Of course you do
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He’s a Polish D(ilf)uelist and Radiant, his powers being based around Radioactivity/toxic waste.
There’s also the biggest push and pull in my mind if they’re one of the smartest people alive or the dumbest.
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themusicalsky · 2 years
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I live for comic gyro bc he is simultaneously the smartest and dumbest man alive
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royalsunshinehotel · 2 years
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what must i do to convince you to write submissive saroo. there is no cost too high
Tiger (Sheru "Saroo" Brierly x reader, 18+)
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A/N: I can’t lie, I’ve been working on this for about a month. It’s stumped me bestie. You got me stumped real good. Enjoy ♥♥
Getting emotion out of Saroo Brierly had to be more difficult than pulling a tooth out of an elephant. Pulling an elephant tooth required veterinarians, specialists, and monitors. There would be a procedure in place, and the elephant would be right as rain in no time at all.
Getting emotion out of Saroo usually had to happen by you picking a fight, you letting him ruin you for a few hours until he wanted to talk about what had him upset.
You don’t mind getting mercilessly destroyed by him. It was one of your favorite things, but you were never sharp enough to talk to him after. You were often asleep before you could find out what had him worked up in the first place.
But now it’s the two of you, at his place, and you’re trying to explain this to the smartest and dumbest man you know.
“Saroo, I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think it would be good.” You reason, nuzzling into your boyfriend’s neck. He’s been stressed, obviously, and it was just a suggestion.
“So you’ll be in charge?” You want to roll your eyes. He’s never been out of control before, he’s never been taken the way he takes you.
“Yeah,” Saroo backs up, propping himself up on his elbow to stare at you. He grazes his hand against your cheek, gently moving hair away, as you try not to get frustrated.
You’d been seeing each other for a few months, but now he was taking a trip to India for an uncertain amount of time. In your head, if you fucked him right tonight, he’d come back.
“But I like taking care of you.” He emphasizes the last word, leaning down to brush his nose against yours
“And you do a great job,” you stick out your lips on a dramatic pout, “let me return the favor.”
Saroo smiles as he pecks your lips loudly, “Okay.”
His grin was smug as it ever was, and it dawns on you that he doesn’t have a clue as to what it is to be you. The surrender, the trust you would give to him every single time.
“I’m just here to make you feel good. Same as usual. Say Tiger if it's too much.” You order, as you direct his wrists down to each side of his head.
Shuffling gracelessly with the sheets, Saroo keeps his eyes fixed on you as you, stiffening as you settle down between his legs. He doesn’t need much to get hard, just the warmth and the weight of you is more than enough.
You know this, and you use it against him.
His shirt is pulled up slightly, and you trace a pattern on his stomach with your nose. He wants to grab your hair and claim your mouth until you beg for mercy, but he doesn’t. Saroo’s determined to let you have this.
“Can you be a good boy for me?” You ask sweetly, keeping one eye on the growing hardness in Saroo’s pajama pants, you slowly tug low enough that he can spring free. He makes a low groan as you swat his hands away.
“...Maybe.” He concedes. It was getting strange, he was hearing his heart pound in his ears, and there you were, like you wanted to eat him alive, just watching him squirm.
“Even if I do this?” You lean down suddenly and graze the side of his length with your tongue. It’s soft, it’s gentle, it’s absolutely foreign. But this is a period of great transition, why couldn’t he branch out?
“Uhhh.” He groans dramatically, a rush of feelings to sort through. Was he mad that this wasn’t the usual routine, or was he getting scared of your softness.
In an effort to put the thoughts away, he reaches down to grab your hair. He usually would be fucking your throat, but you don’t let him, catching his wrist and directing his hand down by his side.
“Hands to yourself!” You put on a grandiose, patronizing tone, “I wanna spoil you! Don’t you want that?” You ask as he blinks, trying to keep his mind organized, simply shaking his head yes.
“You want my mouth?” You question and he rolls his eyes.
“Yes an-” -d the rest of you too! But you're ahead of him. If you ever rolled your eyes, he’d spank your pussy until you cried. He would not accept this behavior, neither will you.
Brat. You almost say, but you don’t. For revenge, you grip him a little too tightly, letting your thumb graze a favorite vein of his. Saroo gives you a low groan as you absentmindedly toy with his member. When you pull just right, he bucks his hips into you.
So you let go, and he’s sure he’s about to cry.
“No self control, huh.” You state, mocking, voice bordering on venomous.
His heart’s pounding, he’s hard, and you’re mean.
“What if I tied you up just to use you?” You ask, and he gapes. You're his dolly, you don’t speak to him like this.
“You could do whatever you want.” He replies plainly, practically whining as you give him another small lick.
“That’s what I thought.” Your smile is an absolute joke, you’re a goddamn sadist. Saroo was starting to ache, and with you keeping his wrists away didn’t help. But he thought he could reason with you.
“Ask.” You command
“Please, please can I have you please?” He breathes as you smile into his mouth. Not quite a kiss, closer to breathing together.
“You want my pussy?” You mock quietly, seeing all 6’2 of him start to shake. He promised...
“Yes!” He gasps, the flame you’d set in his stomach growing into a fire, and like some kind of jungle cat, you pounce.
Saroo’s breath catches as he suddenly feels you against him, putting your mouth against his, right where it’s supposed to be.
He keeps his eyes closed as you direct him into your soaking heat.
He feels your nails dig into his wrists, and then nothing.
Several heartbeats pass, and he can practically feel your dazzling, smug smile against his mouth.
“Please move, YN.” He knows he could toss you down and take you, but it’s better to ask. It’s better to ask permission. You wanted him to beg? He’d beg.
But you take your time, starting slowly, taking all of him.
“Nice and easy,” You coax as you grind down into him, “Such a good little toy.” His torso stiffens at that, as if it was some kind of insult. But the words don’t sting.
Maybe he likes being a toy. Just a sweet toy that you can use and abuse. Absolutely dumb.
“Please.” All of the tension of his project, the fact he’d finally found his home, the ache of your teasing, it all crawls up his spine in a burning heat.
“Almost-” You know he’s close as his thrusts up get slower, sloppier. Saroo’s eyes are still shut as you direct his hands to your hips, letting him hold on to you.
Your praise turns into gasps and moans as you feel him fall apart underneath you. Saroo’s mind hasn’t been this clear in months. When you clench down around him, he’ll catch you. He always wants to catch you.
With his mouth, of course.
“You're such a good boy,” he whines, as you lean down to kiss him. “I’m proud of you. You're so brave, tough, and smart.” You hear a little huff, and his dark eyes are soft as he stares at you.
“Everything is going to pay off. It’s all going to be worth it.” Saroo takes a hand and rests it on the side of your neck. You take the opportunity to dismount, and let him go. You’d have to pay him back for this, but you’re just as tired as you would be were the positions reversed.
“Just be safe. Take lots of pictures.” You cringe internally, thinking how you sounded like his Mother, but what you get in return is so much better.
As you run your hands over his chest, and feel his heart over the haze, and let the words soak into your skin.
“I love you,” breathes Saroo as you dismount, tucking yourself into his side.
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c!techno is both the smartest and dumbest man alive like he could lead an army to victory on a whim but he could also see someone literally steal candy from a baby and think ““ah what a nice person making sure this child doesn’t get too much sugar”” and I just think that’s neat
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I think it's really funny how abusers come in two flavors where they're either the smartest or dumbest bitch alive.
I had an abuser who an created elaborate web of lies with checks and balances to make sure that no one ever believed me, including myself, while also turning my mom against me despite being my age at the time. Like she had teachers and classmates and parents in on it. She was like. 13 when she started that. Literally the only reason I got out was bc I made a new, older friend who never met her and realized what was happening as an outsider.
And then I had a different abuser who thought matpat was the sexiest, smartest man alive and hated matpats wife with a passion and fantasized about fucking matpat and would tell me about it . And also was only gay bc he hated women but he didn't like men either. Was 20. Fucking genius. Called picking up rocks from outside "shoplifting." Claimed his classmates squeaky chair made him split an alter. Copied a subplot of Riverdale when he faked his suicide to get out of a call out post.
Like don't get me wrong. They both succeeded in fucking me up severely. But the difference in the quality of their abuse? *chefs kiss* fucking bonkers.
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lady-divine-writes · 3 years
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The Hitchhiker - Chapter 1/4
Picking up a hitchhiker isn't exactly the dumbest thing Kurt has ever done, but it's not exactly the smartest either. When he comes across Blaine Anderson caught in a sudden downpour, he can't just leave him on the corner to drown... can he? (1756 words)
Read on AO3.
“Excuse me? Sir? Do you need a ride?”
Kurt flashes as confident and honest a smile as he can to the man standing on the side of the road. But the second those words leave his mouth, he hears his father’s voice in his head yelling: “Kurt Hummel! What the hell are you doing? Picking up a hitchhiker? Are you out of your mind!?”
And Kurt has to admit, the voice is right. 
There is a fifty-fifty chance that this man, standing alone in the dark by the side of the road, is a violent serial killer. His outfit alone perpetuates the stereotype - indigo jeans, white t-shirt, leather jacket. He has an olive-green duffel slung over one shoulder and he's carrying a guitar case, for God’s sake! What are the odds that there’s actually a guitar in there!? If Kurt picks this man up, he has a greater chance of becoming a statistic than of that man being a musician! Kurt should drive away now without an inch of guilt, floor it without looking back.
And he probably would have deferred to his better judgment and stepped on the gas had it not been for a few things. 
It's pitch dark out for a start. Only a handful of street lights line the curb, installed twenty or so feet apart, which creates long expanses of shadow in between. The road they're on is in the middle of nowhere, with trees towering on both sides of them. This doesn’t help Kurt’s argument any since it seems like just the place a killer would lie in wait for a potential victim. But, in that same vein, someone or something could be stalking him, waiting for Kurt to drive away so they can pounce on him from the trees. Then it would be up to the reach of this man's legs and his athletic ability to save him.
This leads directly to reason two: the man is a klutz. In the five minutes Kurt has been stuck at this red light, he’s seen him smack himself in the face with his own bag, drop his sunglasses (pink rimmed Wayfarers, no less), catch them, then fumble them again, and step in the same puddle twice. If this man is a serial killer, he may not be the most competent one on the planet. 
Three, just as Kurt’s light turned green, it started raining. And not the light drizzle he has come to expect during his infrequent forays to San Diego, but an honest-to-God downpour. Kurt saw the man turn his face up to the sky, his shoulders slumped, wholly defeated by this new development. He put the butt of his guitar case on the toes of his shoes to keep it out of the mud, then attempted to wrap his jacket around it.
And Kurt’s heart melted. 
Kurt is a musician himself. Singer more than musician but he has friends who play the guitar. His stepbrother Finn owns a Fender that he sold plasma to afford. Puck's Gibson is the only thing he has never hawked when he needed money. And Sam, in this man's position, would take off every stitch of clothing to protect his Blueridge if it came down to it. Kurt can imagine this man’s whole life wrapped up in that case, which he is now convinced does hold a guitar.
Kurt isn't a gun enthusiast by any means, but he thinks a semi-automatic should be able to withstand some weather. He may want to Google that one later on… provided he’s still alive.
And about that guitar case: it isn’t a plain, generic, black guitar case. The thing is covered in travel stickers and bling. It has a personality all its own. An easily identifiable personality. If this man is a killer, Kurt is pretty certain every human on the West Coast would know about it. He’d be nicknamed the Kitsch Case Killer or something along those lines. That case sticks out like a sore thumb. There’s no way a man carrying a guitar case decorated like an old-school Lisa Frank binder is getting away with swiping a pack of gum, not to mention murder.
To a lesser degree (Kurt tells himself so he doesn't have to admit how idiotic this idea is), this is the most a-dork-able man Kurt has ever seen. He looks more like a puppy than a predator (weak reasoning, he knows). But Kurt has instincts about people that are usually on the money. He has to give himself credit for making it this far in life. Kurt is tougher than he looks. He has taken his fair share of licks, and he’s still ticking. 
Plus, he has bear repellent in the pocket of his jacket the size of a can of Aquanet. He feels he has his bases covered.
The man walks slowly towards Kurt's car, the curls piled atop his head hanging heavily down his cheeks the wetter he gets.
No, Kurt can’t leave him out here.
“Um. Thanks. Thanks a lot,” the man says, cautiously eyeing Kurt up and down as if he may be asking himself Kurt’s same string of questions in his head. “But I… ” The fact that he isn’t jumping at Kurt’s offer, that he’s glancing anxiously down the road, mulling his options even as rain pours down his back, puts Kurt at ease. The man looks like he’s trying to gauge if Kurt might have a weapon hiding somewhere on his person, contemplating if he’ll come out of this alive if he accepts this ride. 
Ironic, but that proves that there are two sides to every situation.
The man looks about to step away and decline until a fork of lightning turns night into day for five seconds, a boom so loud following it shakes Kurt’s rental car. 
“Sure. Okay. Why not?” He pulls open the rear door in a rush but still wary as he puts his belongings into the backseat and joins Kurt in the front. “Thank you so much. I didn’t expect it to rain this hard, or I might have stayed in my hotel room one more night.” He runs a hand through his hair, cringing at the water that sprays the headrest.
“Not a problem.” Kurt reaches behind the seat and grabs the towel he’d fished out of his luggage earlier when he’d done the same thing. But the rain was only a sprinkle then – angel spittle, his mom would have called it. “I couldn’t just drive by and leave you out here to drown.”
The man chuckles. It, much like the rest of him, is too cute for words. “My name’s Blaine.”
“Kurt.” Kurt extends a hand for Blaine to shake. Blaine looks at it, hesitates a second before taking it, still questioning Kurt and his intentions, Kurt assumes. Despite being stuck in the rain, Blaine’s hand is warm, comforting in a way Kurt speculates a serial killer’s hands would not. “Well, Blaine, where you headed?”
“Oh, uh… I’m trying to make my way to L.A. But you can drop me off anywhere between here and there.”
“Ooo. Actor? Producer?”
“Unemployed schlub, unfortunately. Currently riding my brother’s couch. He’s the actor. I’m the… the failure.”
Kurt pulls onto the road again and heads for the highway. “That’s a really unkind thing to say about yourself.”
“It’s what… well, it’s what my father would say.” He wrings his hands uncomfortably. “He’d also say I’m a disappointment, a waste of a Harvard education, a bum… ” He shivers. Kurt raises the temperature of the heater. Blaine glances at Kurt in embarrassment, and Kurt gets the hint that it’s not the cold that has him trembling.
“I know it’s not my place to say, but I’d stop listening to your father if I were you. It doesn’t seem like he has anything worthwhile to say.”
“How can you say that? You don’t even know me,” Blaine says under his breath, with an edge like a growl, the kind wild animals give when you stumble into their territory unaware. It sets the hairs on the back of Kurt’s neck on end, and he starts second-guessing this decision. 
Relax, Kurt. The man’s just beat down. Exhausted. You understand what that’s like.
Blaine sighs, sinking into the passenger seat and leaning his head against the window. "I'm sorry. I know you're trying to be nice. It's been a long day." 
“I understand. And I may not know you, but I know fathers," Kurt continues. "A father’s job is to be supportive of their children, no matter what they do in life. Succeed or fail, win or lose, they should always be in your corner. And if he’s not, screw him! Surround yourself with people who want to lift you up, not tear you down.”
Blaine winds his arms around his torso, hugging himself tight. “I---is that the way your father treats you?”
“Yup,” Kurt answers with a subconscious smile at the mention of his dad. “He supports me in everything, even the stuff he doesn’t entirely agree with. And when things don’t work out, he’s the first person there, helping me to my feet and encouraging me to try again.”
“Sounds like a great guy. You’re lucky.”
“He is," Kurt says proudly. "And I am.”
Blaine fixes his gaze to the road ahead as Kurt merges onto the highway. He chews the inside of his cheek, stares too hard at the rain-slick asphalt, not shifting focus. It's as if he can't bring himself to look at Kurt when he asks, “So, you think you’re a good judge of character?”
Kurt nods. “Yes, I do."
"How do you know?"
"Experience. I have a decent track record.”
"Surround yourself with a lot of questionable people, do you?"
"I guess you can say that," Kurt agrees with a laugh, thinking of the people who have come into his life that he has adopted as his own: Rachel, Dave, Santana, Puck, all of them rivals or bullies. Or both. But now, a cherished part of his found family.
People he hopes will miss him if SDPD finds him by the side of the road tomorrow with his throat cut.
Stop it, Kurt! Relax! You're in no danger! Everything is going to be fine!
Blaine shrugs, examining his wet hands as if he’s reading something etched on his skin. “Someday you’ll be wrong.”
“Probably." Kurt meets Blaine's eyes in the reflection of the windshield, flashes his confident smile again. "But I don’t think that day is today.”
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